KILL TONY - KILL TONY #195

Episode Date: February 9, 2017

Frank Castillo, Mike Lawrence, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 01/30/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. This episode actually is going to sound a little different than normal episodes uh the we have to use a backup recording for this episode because the original recording had a bunch of uh a bunch of noises on it it sounded like it was plugged into a comedy store outlet that might have not had a good grounding to it or something because it was uh unusable but luckily we have about three different cameras recording the show at the same time so i was able to pull a an okay version of the audio from one of the cameras so it's not going to sound as great but it doesn't this is definitely listenable

uh but uh so we uh hopefully when we're back in the main room this won't happen again we'll test it next time to double check because it's never happened before but it must have been some weird power outlet or some kind of issue uh so anyways uh if you want to listen to all the episodes of kill tony you could always go to DeathSquad.TV there you have the video portions by just clicking on the video or you can subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony

don't forget Tony Hinchcliffe's website TonyHinchcliffe.com he has a bunch of tour dates he's going to be going all over the place so check it out he's all over the place I think I just said that twice also don't forget RyanJEbelt.com that's the house Going all over the place. So check it out. He's all over the place. I think I just said that twice. Also, don't forget ryanjebelt.com. That's the house artist.

Ryan draws every episode. He also drew the Kill Tony poster. And he sells prints of every episode. So you can go to ryanjebelt.com. And go to deathsquad.tv to click on tour dates to find out all the different places that we are performing. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at 8 o'clock, it's a free show at the Comedy Store, but we do every first Wednesday of the month, we have our big secret show at the Comedy Store. It's huge.

It's usually about 10 or 11 comics. We have some secret guests. That's always the first Wednesday of the month and the secret show can also be found at other comedy clubs every first and third Friday we're in the ice house in Pasadena California for a secret show that's more of like a workout room for us so if you want to see us working on some new material and stuff you can always check out that secret show. That's every first and third Friday at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. And just starting today, we are doing a secret show once or twice at the Laugh Factory. So it's going to be the second Wednesday, usually, of the month.

Tonight, we have Joe Rogan, Greg Fitzsimmons, Brody, Ian Edwards, Brian Holtzman, and a bunch of people. And then Friday, this is cool, we are at Gotti Nightclub in Downey, California. And this is going to be a cool little show. It's me and George Perez. We also have Frank Castillo, who won the Comedy Central Roast Battle. We also have Rye Dune, and Esther Koo is going to be joining us. That's Friday in Downey, California at Gotti Nightclub.

You can find all this by going to Death Squad TV, clicking on.TV and clicking on tour dates. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Greg. I'm coming to you live from the real business company,

Sport Meeting Room, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony by 5. Give it up for Tony Hicksman! Hello everybody, how are you? Hi, welcome, hello! Ohio Aphrodite is here everybody, make some noise, the red Aphrodite! Holy shit, holy shit! Alright, this one sounds a little quiet. Feels good in here, right? You guys ready for an exciting Monday or what? Let's just jump right into it.

Phil Toney is going to Austin, Texas. The Moontower Comedy Festival. The show that you're at right now if you're listening to this podcast April 21st. That's where we're going to be. We're doing stand-up a bunch of places too in the next couple months. Corpus Christi, Providence, Rhodegary Canada Chicago Vegas Iowa University Madison Wisconsin another fun thanks Tony Hinchcliffe.com for tickets make some noise again everybody it's my day out

we have 10 comedians, normal human beings spread out and signed up Brian how are you it's Brian Redband Hey guys Brian J Ebel trying the episode human beings spread out and signed up. Brian, how are you? It's Brian Redman. Hey, guys. Brian J. Ebel trying the episode. It's Jamie Vernon back there. I'm excited about life. We have a big show Wednesday if you're around here at the Comedy Store. We have a secret show. Todd Glass just got added to it.

Miss Pat, Randy Linky, Brody Stevens, a bunch of people there. It's a stand-up comedy show this Wednesday night at 8.30 in this room that you're in right now live at the Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip. Let's get into the show shall we? You guys like hilarious comedy guests? Yeah! I do too.

Any fans of one of my favorite shows in all of comedy, Gross Battle? Yeah! I'm a big fan. And last night they just wrapped up season two of their huge, huge tournament here at the Comedy Store. And so in honor of one of my favorite shows, Roast Battle, I have booked the two champions all time of Roast Battle. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Mike Lawrence and last night's big winner, Frank Castillo! Still in the ring, we tour. It's been 24 hours. The ride is long. They are the champions of the world of roasting. A world in which I love very much.

Make some noise one more time for these hilarious people. Mike, you've been here a ton of times. Don't go fucking assessing. You can just look at us and realize that Roast Battle is a writer's show. One for one on knockover beers. One of Mike's trademarks. The slobber knocker. One for one, a knock over beer is what I'm joking about. One of Mike's trademarks, the slobber knocker. I just love that if someone bombs tonight, just the long walk they're gonna have to have back to their seat.

It is bigger than the belly room. I mean, I'm sure you'll all be great. Frank Castillo, this is a special treat. This is Frank's first time on the panel of this show. And to show you how far Frank, right, how awesome our storyline is, Frank, before he even worked here, was on, pulled out of the bucket as a comedian on episode one of Kill Time. Wow! Shit. Holy shit. I'd say episode one.

Yeah, exactly. He's Mexican. If you couldn't tell by his yellow-greenish... You're not really brown. You're just like two different tints of yellow and... I'm passable. You're gray. Ha ha ha. Ha ha. This is how I walk. Ha. Hey, where else in America now can you see white people berating a Mexican? Besides everywhere else?

Look at that guy's laugh over there. Oh shit. I love this show. You know what I love about this show? A bunch of fucking things. But one of my favorite things is the band. Three of the funniest humans. I can't believe I get to work with them every week. Well, a bunch of fucking things, but one of my favorite things is the band. Three of the funniest humans, I can't believe I get to work with them every week. It's the Killtony, always with the different engines. This week, here they are,

I don't know what they're gonna do. It's the Killtony Band. Fuck yeah. Fred Wurst. Is that a Limp Bizkit tribute? No, Tony. Thanks for setting me up there, Pat. You know what's so sad? That's going to be on a classic rock station

in five years, and we're going to all feel so fucking old. I think it already is, actually. There's a whole generation that when George Michael died, they're like, oh, you mean the guy who covered Limp Bizkit's face? It's the real tragedy of that time.

Jeremiah Watkins fresh off of being on every goddamn episode ever of Rose Battle, a member of my favorite part of that show, The Wave. But uh... Pat, how are you tonight? I'm good. Hey, I got a new album called Bad Chad. Yeah, so get that on iTunes, SoundCloud, whatever it's on. Probably all those things. However you listen to music. Joel Jimenez is here. You guys ready to start the show or what?

Everything is in tight. I have a bucket full of Canadians' names. You guys know how it works. Sometimes it's one of the top rising Canadians and they do a little bit of time. Sometimes I pull a name out of a bucket and it's a completely insane person. You never know what's going to happen. Anybody can sign up before the show. So that's already happened. You get 60 seconds so you know your time's up and you hear the sound of a kitty. If you can wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood there. gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood there.

Here we go, we're ready to start this motherfucking show! This is episode 190-something, episode 200, coming up live in the main room in March. I'll leave the store.com for tickets. First name I pulled out of the bucket appears to be the name of Helen Humphrey. Wow, there is no Helen Humphrey. So you know what that means. In the current state of Kill Tony, there was an anomaly that we were once informed of called the Fersi Triplets. They are either loved or hated. They all used to come up at the same time and we are experimenting a new thing where we have split up the triplets. And the first triplet to go on his own with last week was a debacle.

And this week we're going try it again this is a different one one more time thank you guys yeah I have a triplet my mom had four babies in 15 months and given birth was a big odd sport my mom would be in the hall of fame you know her she'd have a gold maternity gown her placenta would be up in the rafters my family's had a bunch of weird pregnancies though my aunt she just had a baby at 47 years old yeah she had one of those test tube babies because no one wanted to fuck her. She's very ugly, man. Very ugly. And it's kind of selfish too because no one loves her, so she had to make something that would love her?

Very weird. I was kind of scared though because 47, that's old. I thought for sure the baby was going to be retarded. 47 is the number of chromosomes that thing should have had. I thought it was going to come out with a helmet on, a little trapezoid head. I know. There's nothing wrong with having a mentally challenged child, except the next 18 years. But other than that, nothing too bad. That's all I got. That's what she's talking about.

Am I the only one who immediately sympathized with the aunt? I was rooting for the aunt the entire time in that joke. That poor woman had to give three mediocre Christmas presents every year. To stuffy WAP triplets. Jesus Christ. I'm gonna be WAP triplets, Jesus Christ. Dude, I like the part where you called her ugly. I thought that was dope. So this is your aunt you're talking about? Yeah, this is my aunt. And did she have the kid?

Yeah, no, she had a baby. She just had a baby at 47. Wow. Thank God I'll never be on TV so she doesn't have to hear that joke I mean it was just mean it was just really mean this fucking 47 year old bitch with a weird pussy and she got a tattoo baby what's wrong with her dude I thought it's hilarious keep going commitment to the Durst character, I appreciate it.

So, I mean, dude, add more retards to your set. Do an act out, go, Mama! Why have you forsaken me? But what's been happening in your life? When did you come up with that? You wrote that in the past couple weeks. I wrote this last week. I only wanted to do it one week because Mitchell only had one week, so I didn't want to do anything. And I was trying to do something that we would never ever do. What's been happening in your life on which you think you're different than your two brothers? What's something that sets you apart from your two brothers? Ah, a much better look at the both of them. That's a fact. That's a fact.

All right, fussy pants. Not that we, I mean, it sounds very corny, but we literally do pretty much the same thing. We go, we all work together. We all work construction. Everything you say sounds corny. So you're very shallow because you're talking about your aunt being ugly.

You're hotter than your other brothers. I'm definitely more shallow than my brothers, isn't that true? Yeah. I'm more like your parents. I feel like Verzi's are like Smurfs. Like, this is Vanity Verzi, there's Popple Verzi, there's Artie Verzi, there's Closeted Verzi, Balding Verzi. I take a little better care of myself than my brothers do. Like, the one that's coming on next week, he's a little fatter and less in shape than I am.

So like, okay, so if you take care of yourself better, then that's a thing that sets you apart from them, right? Yeah. So what are things that you do to take care of yourself better that your exact DNA two triplets don't do? I definitely go to the gym more, I eat a little better, although Mitch getting a little better on that front. He said he he started eating better as well What do you mean by eat better? Like what do you eat? Well, Sean that show starting pussy I love that. You're just calling all of your different family members out. Pretty much, yeah. I love that you're leaning on the mic like Bruce Springsteen posing for an album cover.

That's not good. Yeah, what a little bitch. Every birthday it looks like they were rejected by different baseball teams. It's really wonderful. I could have been in the Philadelphia team. I don't know. Triple A. So looking back at last week, if you were to grade who was better, number one or number two, who would you choose?

Who do you think? Let's ask him first. Oh, Mitch will probably get better than I did just from listening to the audience mitchell probably did better than i did so you're the weak link of the triplets apparently right now no i'm the weakest link right now all right but mitchell has a little more experience doing it solo i think that was my that was my fifth time doing it by myself and mitchell's done oh maybe maybe spend a little less time in front of the mirror more time on stage you can figure something out yeah i'd probably do it man i do want to compliment and say that that was great confidence i know that you like looked at the notebook and you were like yeah i'm doing the retirement. I wanted to try something that we wouldn't usually talk about and apparently that was it.

Dude, I'm all about unmarried confidence. You may not realize this, but 47 year old infertile aunt's the main demographic for the death squad network. So you're going to find out. You can't tell me what's the name of the kid. Abortion joke. So, Alex. Yes. You got it right this time. Hell!

Anyway. I mean, is there anything else that you think sets you apart? How about dating life? Do you get laid a little bit more than your brothers? Does it mean so much better looking than your other children? I get better looking girls. Sean definitely gets laid more, but he's a little less selective.

He kind of... He likes... he just takes everything... Wait, is he the one that had the cold sore? No, that's Mitchie, man. Mitchie... Mitchie's got cold sore. One of them once came up here with this... Is there a part of this right where you don't come off hating women? I believe in that.

I'm already hating people. One of the Mercy triplets one night came here with a cold sore so bad that he basically wrapped a fucking ace bandage around his head. It was a gigantic bandage. Dude, you saw that thing too, man. It was fucking blistering. And I forced him on the front patio after the show. I forced him. The two brothers were dying of laughter. I'm like, I want to see what's underneath that fucking thing. Well, because he tried to put a lot of cover up on top of it, and it just made it look even worse. It was like tanning the fucking skin. It was wetter. It was wetter.

The most disgusting thing I've ever seen. It was like Joe vs. the Volcano or something. It's like honey green and everything. Sean's getting more ladies right now. Alright, well Alex, you're talking about everybody but yourself it seems. I'm trying to figure out what goes on and what you, you know. Not much goes on. I go to the gym, I work in structure.

Do you think you get to maybe be a little bit less creative and like hungry as a triplet? Do you think it's sort of like tough to have it tough as a triplet being raised in a family that... No, if he was the third one to the mom's tit,

he was even hungrier. No, man, I always had someone we always got to compete against each other. I don't like that Mitchell's going to be able to hold this over me, but yeah, we always get to compete against each other. So no, it always makes me work a little hard. So do you guys compete to who can write the worst joke?

Yeah. That was my goal this week. Write the shittiest, most crappy jokes. Alright, Alex. Well, I mean, you're the second triplet to go. I think, you know, it's not a competition between you guys. It's just an experiment. So, you know, make sure...

I don't know. I don't know what the fuck. It wasn't even my idea. Rip Van wanted to do it. Well, you were putting them on every show, so I said, let's dissect them a little. I'm not giving up on these fucking versi-trap ones. Do I think they're terrible? Yes!

I think they're the fucking worst. But I think that there's a fucking spark of something. See, offstage, they fucking hate each other. I don't think they do. You sound like J.T. Barton right do. You literally sound like JT Barham right now. You sound like a fucking mad scientist.

Left of triplet freaks bomb. You're like Vince McMahon in Beyond the Mat. He's gonna fail. The Verzi triplets are my Roman Reigns. And with that said, there he goes, Alex Verzi. Back to being a triplet. Back to the old perfect. Let's get a normal human being out here, shall we?

Wow. I mean, every once in a while, just life gives you something that you really just can't take away. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you one of the greatest humans ever, one of our favorite guests of all time. She can do no wrong. Some people say she's the goat,

some people call her a pig, some people, if you haven't listened to this show before, you're in for a very special treat. I give to you the one, the only, Aphrodite. Some of y'all white folks ain't never been to a black church. I can look at you right now and tell you, you ain't never been to a black church, right? Right? Right? I'm going to give you a little something. A little something. If I was holy,

you can't be holy and serving the Lord if you say, can I get an amen on that? I say you can't hold out and plead Jesus. You understand what I'm saying? You can't be touching yourself. You can't be thinking about none of that stuff. You know, you are no sex allowed in church. That's why everybody's fucking in church

because no sex is allowed. You understand what I'm saying? You know, they be touching themselves and touching little children. Damn. I'm about to fuck somebody up. Good thing I ain't got no children, you know? Y'all might be wondering about the outfit I got on.

This is called go straight to hell outfit. be wondering about the outfit I got on. This is called the Go Straight to Hell outfit. Come up to my model! Straight to hell! They don't allow all this ass to be showing in church. Hey! The girl is moaning! She got the cat, Aphrodite. Thank you. Fully committed Aphrodite. Thank you.

Fully committed to this sermon thing. Aren't you a little... You might tell me again, how old are you Aphrodite? I'm 61. 61 years old. That's the first time we've heard that sermon bit. Is that a new one? Yeah! Yeah, cause I've met a lot of hoes. I wonder if you shave your hair

and have the other two Verzi triplets fall out. I got a little T-403 of them. That sounded like an opening sketch in a rap album I would skip. Yeah! Shut up fool! Uh-huh! Shut up fool! Uh-! Shout out FOO!

Uh huh! Drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop

a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop a leg and drop they be smoking the Argon do you know I smoke a little weed go to church you know what I'm saying that's how I don't wait I can feel that shit Tony the church that she goes to is so black at the end of every sermon they go I'm trying to remember what episode of Luke Cage she performed on. Was it she and Cottonmouth's clone?

No seriously, they like that at the black church, dude. They off the chain with it. Seriously. Hey Tony. Yeah? Doesn't she look like a 1970s game show microphone? Yeah! Same to my ass! Same! Sing it to my ass! Sing it to my ass! Sing it to it!

Bless the Lord Jesus! That's where she keeps all the ratings. I'm sorry I had to do it. You are really something else. You are a piece of work. When's the last time you went to Black Church? Oh man, I gotta confess I'm a proud heathen. I ain't going nowhere from Jesus or Buddha or Mah or Muhammad or none of them other good.

Who does Afro-Negi believe in? I believe in weed! California is legal! No, that's not a who. Weed is not a who. I just noticed her earrings. Maybe the best earrings in the whole entire world. They're two little pits. Two little pits. Af're two little pics.

Afro pics. Afro. I feel like she takes someone's virginity in a coming-of-age novel. Oh, no, no. I just had to get Jeremiah back and he accused me of losing my blackness the last time I was here. So I'm going to let him know I'm black and I'm proud. And I'm here to start a damn riot! All by myself. You're showing me. I also love the Russian hat that you're wearing.

The Russians did not come up with the afro. Let's get this straight. We stole no more shit from black people. We got no shit y'all already stole. You wanna ask her where she got it from? I got it at the Goodwill. Does your hair match your Gorbachev? No man, this is affecting smoking some good ganja.

I'm telling you, all y'all bald heads... What if the ass was just pussy hair? There's no posh, you know what I'm saying? There's no posh in there. And you know you're used to paying for it, so shut up. I'm getting roasted by Fat Albert's mom. Tony, she looks like the creature from the African American Lagoon. Oh! Man, you don't want to talk about it. You should have said it.

I used to watch that movie. He nailed it? Did he what? You said you liked that reference that he just made? No, man, he just, I think he's an old man back there because there was a movie called Black Lagoon. That was kind of racist, man. Don't talk about no black lagoon. Talk about, man. Effort Nighty, what did you...

Hey, it was a funny joke. It wasn't funny. It was only funny to the white people that are shutting the hell up. I'm telling the truth! Joel's been thinking of that joke for like... Six weeks. All his damn life.

He came up with that damn one line. That was fucked up, boy. Afro-Nighty. Do you write your name? Are you the one that writes it? Yeah. You have an unbelievably amazing handwriting. I love how you go over each line of your name about seven times.

Y'all find out when the Braille motherfucker's up there. He needs to feel it. Her handwriting matches her voice. Thank you. And black. I mean, you can probably literally see that. That's right. That's right.

That's my signature. The Amy Black woman's signature, okay? You always do a thing where you, like, turn away from the actual question and then give, like, a little performance. That's right. I like your style. Oh, I love you too. What have you done?

So you haven't actually gone to church recently, but I want to know. No, I told you I'm a proud heathen. Gotcha. I want to know about your real life stuff though, after a day. What have you really been doing lately? A change in your life? I'm really excited. I'm going to France this summer with a band called Side Blinders.

Hey, I'm back. Side Blinders? Yes. When you say you're back, what do you mean? Well, I had double hip surgery. I couldn't walk for almost three years without a walker, so I am back. Double hip surgery. Double hip surgery.

Not ass surgery, but hip surgery. When did you have double hip surgery? When? Yeah. Well, I had the first one December 16, 2014. Came out of the hospital December 30th. Went to band rehearsal. Did New Year's Eve in Grand Park downtown for 35,000 people with 17 staples in my hip.

Okay? Wow. That's awesome. That's awesome. That's awesome. That's awesome. That's awesome. That's awesome. That's000 people with 17 staples in my hip. Okay?

And then the second one was April 16, 2015, four months exactly, they cut me on the left side, 17 staples here and 20 on the other side. Hearing this is as fun as those surgeries. It wasn't really the answer that I was expecting. It wasn't really the answer that I was expecting. But it was the time when I told you I almost hit the lady in the head with the bottle of cinnamon. What? Cinnamon comes in bottles? Cinnamon?

You know, I mean, I got my spices because you know they got that funny food they serve you in the hospital. I like that Aphrodite is doing a recap of previous Aphrodite performances. You didn't see Aphrodite in season 3? I've been returning to my life basically. Like what? What's been new lately?

Well, like I said, we're getting prepared for this tour to France, which is something I haven't done since 2013. So this group that you're touring with, the Sidewinders, what are they known for? Well, actually we've been in the same band before. At that time, we should have made some songs! Some songs then, where we had the different Sidewinders? Oh, it ain't nothing like that, man. It's some real soul.

See, that should have dragged you drinking, man. So, do you perform by yourself or do you perform with... Hold on, we're testing. This is another Sidewinders. So do you perform by yourself or do you perform by yourself? I'm the female host. Hold on, we're testing. This is another Sidewinder, so I'm looking. This is the one? It's on my Facebook page. So the only other Sidewinders we have is the Dayton Sidewinder.

No, it's not them guys. They call themselves a pretty used name, but anyway, it's not them guys, man. We play our own music, you know what I mean? I forget, you are the most beautiful bowling ball. I am. Thank you. Just a sweet little thing. Honest question, is that a win? I told you last time I had a shit of 29 out of five.

How many times I got to tell you? So like, anybody can win that? Is that like- When you don't wear it, are you just dykey? No. I'm out of time! How many times I gotta tell you? So like, anybody can hear that? When you don't wear it, are you just dykey? No! I'm just fighting, I'm just fighting, mother f***er! You keep my eyes closed, I'm gonna charge your a** now. This ain't free s***.

You know what I'm saying? We be asking women all the damn secrets. Why do I feel like I'm at the post office now? Cause your a** is not gonna be at the post office. I'm just gonna be like, package ma'am, please ma'am, I will do standard shipping if that's okay. You can count on the motherfucking fines just for any damn thing. What can Brown do for you?

Anything you want. Brown can tell me why so I can get more money. Can't tell you. Are you getting paid for your trip to France? Are you getting paid for your trip to France? Yes sir, yes sir. I've always gotten paid for your trip to France? Yes, sir. I've always gotten paid for my job. That makes her better than any other comic that's going to come up on stage tonight.

I'm just blessed to be doing this in an industry that's against people of older ages. I fit all the no's. I'm older than they want me to be. I'm blacker than they want me to be. My ass is way bigger than they want me to be. So I feel great. All these flat ass black women making a show of business.

I ain't gonna keep struggling. I'm gonna sell my ass to these white women that are going crazy trying to get booty. I'm gonna give them a little chunk in time. I have no idea what you just said. I don't even feel like we need a translator. You know that's how I sell an ass, right? You understand? The sister ain't gonna keep sucking. I'm either starting a church or sell prunks in my ass. One, two. You're the only person I know that speaks in a chicken wingdings font. Half the time she sounds like the alien character in a Star Wars scene.

Like, we must fight the resistance. Hey man, let me say that shit like that to black people, man. What the hell is wrong with this dude? I don't think you're getting it up, Benny. We can't understand what you're saying sometimes. I asked him what the hell is wrong with him. What the hell is wrong with me? Wrong with you, yeah.

What the hell? Thank you, Pantsy. That feels so damn good. That's almost like, alright, y'all should do this. Come on, everybody. What the hell! No, don't do it. Y'all go. Y'all fuck like that. Y'all fuck all quiet. I forget. I don't fucking be quiet.

You don't always, you know, it's always just a show. You're killing it. They love you, right guys? I love y'all too. Especially if you buy that some weed out there. I really love y'all. I don't drink. I don't fuck with that alcohol. You can get high with Aphrodite after the show. That's right. Only good weed.

Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. This is going to France. If you're listening to this show live from France, get your tickets to Aphrodite and the Sidewalkers. Where can they get tickets for that? What janky-ass website do they have to go to? What GeoCities page?

Oh, just got the job. Well, congratulations. There you go. Aphrodite is going to fucking France, 61 years old, living her Stan Connolly dreams, while you pussies sit there wondering what you would say. I don't think she's going to fucking France, 61 years old, living her stand-up comedy dreams, while you pussy sit there wondering what you would say. I don't think she'd go into that. I can't say. I know this guy, one of the funnier rising comedians

who threw up a comedy store. Put your hands together for Woob Savelle. Oh. It was all a dream. I used to read Word Up magazine. Home pepper and heavy D up in the lim on the magazine, hanging pictures on my wall. Every Saturday, Robert's like Mr. Magic. If I was Trump, right after the woman marches, I would just appoint women to every position in my cabinet that has the word secretary in it.

Just not even tell anyone. Just not even figure it out. You're like, what the fuck? This is the most female-centric. You know, when Trump got elected, everyone was comparing him to Hitler. And they also compared Obama to Hitler. Really just goes to show you the depth of Hitler's character. Spans of different people.

That's all I got. That's amazing. I love that. That was totally beautiful I love that. That was a really beautiful, beautiful hit right there. Sometimes it's just like, you know, pretty proud. It was your minute if you were wondering.

Unbelievable joke. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since like, I don't know, 2011, 2010 maybe. Okay. We'll call that... Oh, fuck yeah. So how's life been going? Anything cool happen lately? I don't know. I'm doing all right. This is so much harder for us when they do well Those are good jokes, they're topical Yeah, shit's going bad It's got a weird name

If it was up to me, everybody would just bomb I'd call him a piece of shit We'd all have a laugh when we get off We'd all have a party in Aphrodite's hair It would be amazing Was that a horse? You did great, so what do you want to talk about? What's your favorite category of porn?

Probably gangbangs. Gangbangs? You like a lot of people in the room. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if I got beat, there's... This is the part of the show where Brian asks what kind of porn you like, and then tries to turn it into a gay thing as fast as he can. No! Aww, I thought you liked women only, so you're into a gay thing as fast as you can. No! Oh, you're like women only, so you're afraid if there's a guy in the room. No, it's interesting.

Or if there's a guy, you might just look at the guy. It's interesting when people say gangbang because that's a lot of people instead of something personal. Do you have problems with your relationships? Obviously, we like social settings, you know what I mean? I mean, if other people are fucking, I will fuck too. Yeah. I think the thing with the gangbang, I think the thing with the gangbang is that...

Dude, Tony, this guy's dope, man. He does have the stage presence of the last guy in the gangbang who's just waiting the whole time. Awesome! Awesome! Who knows he's got the biggest dick? Look, man, I get it.

If you're tired, it's okay. You can go home or just reconvene at a better time. Hey, Red Band, you want to know my category? Yeah. Finger blasting. Wow, they have a porn category for that? Yeah, it's me. So, what, any, I mean, that's fun stuff, that Hitler joke.

Did you come up with that recently? Yeah, yeah. Just seeing all the posters of Trump portrayed as Hitler and still ones of Obama portrayed, you know. That first joke that you were doing, did you ease off of, did you have more to the beginning or to the end of it, or did you just feel the room and then switch to another joke? Because it looked like you were like, ah, that joke wasn't killing his life. There are some parts to it, but sometimes I don't always do them, you know. I forget them. And move on, as we saw. Yeah, it was nice.

Just think of when someone wins Rose Battle and you're like, man, I bet that guy's whole life has changed. No, the next night he's just talking to some dude named Wolf. Yeah. It's not that much different. How long of a set do you have? Would you say you're comfortable with? I don't know, man. Five, ten minutes.

Oh, great. Do you have any special skills or talents on stand-up comedy? Wait, wait, wait. You said you've been doing it for five years and you only have five or ten minutes. Yeah, that's kind of... Well, I just sit up here and be like, yo, y'all knock out an hour. No, I mean, like, you know, if you have like a good 15, good 30, after that long, I would expect...

I've done 30 before, but... Do you perform a lot? Yeah, yeah, I perform all the time. You look like every person that brags about not owning a television. What do you do for work, Bob? I do bar trivia, like I host bar trivia. And then I also do some copy editing, like freelance. You look real excited about that.

I've got 50 minutes on bar trivia, 5 minutes on stand-up comedy. Are you a gifted wubber? I used to teach martial arts. He did. I play music. Say that again, wub? I used to teach martial arts. I can play music.

What kind of martial arts? Kung fu. Wow, really? Yeah. Well, my friend wub, it appears as though by the sound of those drums you know what that means. He just bores the board into breaking itself in half. Welcome to another...

You don't want to be together, do you? Hey, Tony. Why don't you split? Tony, can we do a high kick challenge? Yeah, I'd love that. Can we get some... Oh, no. I can't wait.

I think you could do it, Wubb. I had that surgery last year. Wait, did you have double hip surgery? Sorry, I didn't mean to. I think you could do it well. I had that surgery last year. Wait, did you have double hip surgery? So I could get wider. Did you practice at MMA? What happened to your back?

Herniated a disc. Had to get surgery. It was like bedridden. Is there something that you were doing? Bedridden. I think it was probably from lack of doing stuff. This is like if the guy from Crash Test Dummies just had a conversation. Once there was this guy who used to do karate, now he's failing gotta stand up and he's hungry and he does bar trivia. I gotta stand up there and I'm the one who does more trivia

wuh wuh wuh hmm you guys are starting to wub me the wrong way wuh what's the uh craziest thing that you've ever done and gotten away with? I fucked a stripper for like a year, friends with benefits, like no condom. Dude, I knew this guy was dope!

The reveal was so sad for her. That's right honey, we've been straight up raw doggies the entire time. I might be your father. She was a dance atos. Wow. She was dancing jumbos and you stumbled in there one night, threw back a shot and a beer and you see her come out. No, I met her online. Oh. And then what happened? Uh, went out on a date, fucked, you know. And then, so you just stayed away for a year. Yeah, I do. She was a WAP night stand. Was it like you guys were dating, or you guys were just fucking? At first we tried to like date for like, I don't know, a few weeks, but...

It didn't work, but you kept fucking for a year? Yeah. Good job. Damn. You said Jumbos, right? Yeah. The Coutortioners? It's not... No, this was like, I don't know, eight years ago.

I'm just saying if we dated the same girl, it's all right. You guys Eskimo brothers. Jumbos is the most honest name for a... Jumbos, you know what this is. No bullshit. We have Jumbo-sized holes in our hearts. So what?

That's my boy, Patty, right there. I did not expect it to end with, of our arts. You were fucking a stripper for a year. Yeah. So when did that end? At least one of you is revealing parts of yourself on stage. Did you notice one's going missing out of your wallet? Did the money she gave you ever smell funny?

I wouldn't take that money, it's fucking nasty. Yeah, but you put your dick in it, that's dope. Fuck. That's true, that's true. We got another kind of weird misogynist, we need a fun black lady to clean this up. I won't dare touch that doll. But here, let me catch anything you might have. Very impressive and tolerant look.

Um, so you made it out with that noise. I'm gonna bump! Yeah, actually none. It was, uh, though she did contact me afterwards to say I do have something now so go get checked You almost made a jumbo mistake. What was it? Oh, herpes. Wow, she had herpes. How recently after fucking you without a condom was this phone call? In which ziplocs was it? A few months ago.

You almost had a wubbzidazy. That's the champ! That's your new reigning defending roast battle champion, Reckless. A wubbsy daisy. It's my Instagram name. Is it really? Oh wow, jeez. Fun show, bro. Look at you, got a little plug in there.

So wubb, what matches your fun personality? Yeah, well, let's figure something out. Go have some more fun. So we have some more fun stuff to talk about in between you telling really, really, really funny other jokes. There he goes. What's up, ladies and gentlemen?

He is on Twitter. Wow. He looks easy. Look at that. He's tweeting at his Instagram. He said it was his Instagram, but it's also his Twitter. He got that? That's awesome. Interesting that he chose Instagram, probably because he knew that I was going to say Twitter. So he got a plug out clean for his Instagram.

Look, he looks like a guy who writes Mark Hitler jokes. Well this is fun! It really is fun. You guys are having fun It doesn't need to be violently loud We don't do those Repetitive chants or anything like that Like WWE and other shows To keep the energy

At an obnoxious level I like to let you guys relax every once in a while You like that? You guys want wanna yell things? Yeah! You do? Go fuck yourself. Put your hands together for Jamel Dotson, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, so how does this work? We just get a minute? All right. Well, this is an interesting time we live in, isn't it? I think so. Everybody's concerned about all sorts of shit, like Trump's out there doing basically what he said he was going to do. I feel like we're missing one really big question,

and that pressing question is about Melania Trump. How's to Jehovah? Like, it's a very big question. It's a pressing question. Like, how's to Jehovah? Like, I don't know how to discuss it. Like, should we, like, be talking shit about her, or should we be staging a rescue?

Like, I don't know what to do. You know what I mean? Like, it's a very important question, I don't know what to do. You know what I mean? Like, it's a very important question. I don't know. You know, how such a ho? Like, am I the only one waiting to hear about the human trafficking? It's just me? I'm the only one?

Like, Melania Trump, the human trafficking, Russian mail-order bride story. You can't know about it? That's too much? You never thought about this shit? You say it's deep? You never thought about this shit? Seriously?

Like, she's been quiet every, you know, because he's like, shut the fuck up, bitch. He was like, he possesses her. Like, you never thought about that shit? Like, you're going to find out. It's like, I got her for a very good price, you know? Jamel Dotson. I love that that was topical material from someone with a Livestrong bracelet. As if you haven't acknowledged the last ten years. It says courage.

You smartass. You've been making nigger jokes this whole time. I don't say that word. And you're laughing at that shit too. You're like, I don't know, Trump supporters and... I want to shoot blows at home by white folks. Hey, Tony. Tony, I like how...

I mean that in a positive way. Jemele, Jemele. Stick with us here. Jeremiah, go ahead. I like how he looks like Lil Yachty, but sounds like Bagger Vance. Read from Jamal. I look like Lil Yachty, but sound like Bagger Vance. It's a great cinema. Check it out.

What the fuck? Jamal, over here. Where are you from? I'm back, too. Y'all made some crazy comments. Jamal, stay with us. Stay with us. Y'all don't have black friends, do you?

It's... Holy shit. They have friends, but not black ones. No, my friends are pretty black. I mean that in a positive way. I'm making a little Yachty reference. My friends are pretty black. The majority of people who listen to rap music

are white. What? Too much. The majority of people who listen to rap music are white. Wait a minute, I made a little yachty reference. What? What happened to your voice? It's too much. It's gonna take way longer if you analyze every reference. I'm sorry. You think you might be a little bit ABD, Jamel? ABD.

You're like if Snoop Dogg didn't smoke weed. But still turned into a dog. But she isn't busy. Where are you from, Jamel? I'm from Indiana. Oh, very? Ha ha, that makes sense. Demographically, that does make sense.

However, I'm from Bloomington. Very cool. I got a couple. Is there a lot of white people in Bloomington? Yeah, there's always. I can tell. I don't know how, but I just can tell. Boy, I know you very well. How long have you been in L.A.?

Like, a week. You visiting or you live here now? Oh, hell no. I had to escape. I'm out. You live here? Yeah. Very good. Congratulations. Congratulations.

How old are you? I'm 30. You look way older, and I mean's not a funny answer. You look way older, and I mean that in a positive way. Oh, okay. I'm with it. I'm with it. I'm with it.

I got gray hair and shit. It was crazy. You said 30 like you were lying. It's not that I'm guessing that you're lying because you look older. I'm guessing you're lying because of the way that you said 30. I'm 30. You're 30 in the same way that Melania's a hostage. Yeah, she's having the time of her life.

Total ho. Total ho. Thank you. So, wow, is this something you've always wanted to do? Move out here? Uh, yeah. What did you have going on in Bloomington that held you up for 30 years? Uh, family. Oh, you have a family there? Pretty much, no. My parents, you know, my family not like my kids. Oh I just assumed because of your skin color that you were named in the family.

I'm gonna let that ride. I'm gonna let that ride. It's cool. It's your show. You can do it. They do it on other people's shows too. Somebody was supposed to speak up and be like, no! Oh, there it is again. I'm sorry. You're jamelling up on me. So how are you going to survive out here? What do you do for work? Uh, I don't know how I'm going to survive.

Like, you know, this is an interesting time. Sounds like a minority to me. I don't know. He's a Mexican. You can make that joke. My own people! I'm DC person. You're a beige. No, I'm full Mexican. It doesn't count.

You're full Mexican? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we're minorities. We're supposed to be in the... You came for me. No, we're together. We're in 2017. I don't know what to think.

These are your own people. People who say they're 30 and don't look like it. What did you do for work when you were in Indiana? I worked in Ute-a-Bella. Ute-a-Bella. I worked in the Ute-a-Bella. I worked in the Ute-a-Bella. I worked in the Ute-a-Bella.

I worked in the Ute-a-Bella. I worked in the Ute-a-Bella. I worked in the Ute-a-Bella. I worked in the Ute-a-Bella. I worked in the Ute-a-Bella. your own people people who say they're 30 and don't look like me. What did you do for work when you were in Indiana? I worked in youth development. Youth development. I like how I say that. Everybody looks at me like what? I couldn't, no. It's just surprising that you're in youth development when you're wearing a pocket knife. I'm from Indiana. What does that have to do with a pocket knife? Yeah, we don't do that in is that with a pocket knife?

Yeah, we don't do that. I wear pocket knives. You've never been to the Midwest? I'm from the Midwest. I'm from Indiana. What? Brownsburg, Indiana. Okay, then you understand. This is what the Midwest looks like. So what guy with a saxophone? What is more Midwest than that?

That looks like Gary and that looks like Indiana. Gary and the energy. No, I keep pocket knives and shit like this just to blame being in places I don't belong. Like on stage. I'm a little bit of a stand up. How long have you been doing stand-up? How long have you been doing stand-up, Jamal? That was good! You know it hurts when he was like, that was good!

It was good! I'm gonna cue you after the show, and I mean that in a positive way. How long have you been doing stand-up? Still haven't heard this question. I haven't. How long have you been doing stand-up? I don't know, like about a decade. A decade? About a decade. All in your living room?

No. I went from Indiana to Atlanta to DC. How often would you get up? Every day. Went from Indiana to Atlanta to DC Like everything this dude says sounds like a lie This feels awkward doesn't it I don't know. I said it. Like, I feel this is a this is an interesting time. Like, right. This feels awkward, doesn't it? Yeah.

I got it. Oh, yeah. This works for like when you keep commenting. Be quiet. You know, he's the part of the show. You know,

but he keeps saying silly shit. I like how he thinks silly shit is just funnier shit. But just because it's fun, like Trump is funny. You know what I mean? He says it, but you see? Can you compare me to Trump? I can eyes.

Awesome. Awesome. I'm concerned for the future. This is definitely a person who does not like the wave on Twitter. Jemele, you're a weekend to living in Los Angeles. What neighborhood are you living in? Actually, I'm in Pomona. Why Pomona? Why, why, why, why Pomona? Why Pomona? No, I got some family out there. It's cheaper, I can afford to live.

How far is that from here? That's like 30, 45 minutes depending. Not too bad. It's cool. Okay. That guy's real quiet. That way's a real quack. Other than Santa comedy, any fun hobbies, anything special that you can do? Like a yo-yo chant or something like that? Anything good? Yeah, that's what I do, backgammon. I've been a backgammon champion.

Is that a joke? You feel like every time he answers a question it's a different split personality taking over. No, there are no real hobbies, nothing like that. What do you like to do? You know. You want to relax, what do you do? You put on a TV? You know what's weird?

Like, this is pretty much all I do is write and do comedy. And that's pretty much it. Smoke. I get a chance to smoke. Because that shit's legal here. You know, which is awesome. It's not in Indiana. Aphrodite just sent cat piss up in the air. She just started spraying something. She squirted it on my shoulder.

I was smoking Aphrodite. What's the biggest thing you've done in comedy? The biggest thing? Aphrodite. I was poking out for that. What's the biggest thing you've done in comedy? The biggest thing? I've been hiding. I've been doing it for 10 years. I mean, fuck, but to date, fuck, given that I'm here in LA right now on a podcast with you.

And some silly shit. With some silly shit. This is the biggest shit I've done. Oh, that's great. So thank you all and I already knew that what's the second biggest shit that you've done? second biggest shit

like can you name a comedy club that you've performed at in Indiana or Atlanta? Dr. Grinch come on like there's only one that's coming to Wilmington that's a comedy attic they don't really fuck with me is that where you started? No, I didn't. Where'd you start? Because I was down before them.

There was a Bears Place. Where'd you start? Bears Place. Bears Place. Which was with Comedy Caravan, the largest, longest running comedy show in the Midwest. Like, you know, so they were the shit, and that's where I started off as, as a host. And I moved up through that. Comedy at it didn't necessarily like black people so you know

I mean it in a positive way you know he's getting on us I'm sitting in the kitchen I'm like I mean it in a positive way he came to the city with nothing but a dream and a catchphrase I mean it in a positive way

why should I have to pull punches I feel like you're gonna say that until it appears on a t-shirt. This is a mess. I might be able to make some money off of it. No hobbies. No real. Not much of anything. Helping people. That's what I like. That's my hobby is helping people. Helping people.

That was a whole, I told you I was in youth development. Give us an example of someone that you helped in your history of youth development. Oh, youth development, all right, same. Your favorite little story, a person that you helped. Not everybody. I don't have, you know, any favorite little story. It's just about being able to help people really access privileges and things that, you know, You can't tell me one thing that you did development in youth.

Not one memory where you're like, this kid didn't know how to stay in the lines in the coloring book, and I'm like, stay in the lines, and then he did an art thing and won, or anything like that. This is the worst episode of the first 48 I have ever... Hey, when did you come out of the dumpster? Dude, that wasn't even me.

That was the drummer, bro. I saw him, man. I think the dumb man is sick. Yeah! No, nothing's been going on long enough for him to redeem himself. It's hard to just have individual stories of quick anecdotes. I'm not out there to go out and gain donors, which is normally the people that have those quick stories. They get money from people. I'm not really trying to get money.

It's just about really changing lives. And I know I've done that. And I put people in the school. So if you need something specific, hang out with me. But generally, I know I've impacted people. And that's all. Well, that sounds like a lie to me. That's awesome of you.

You helped the TV into my car. Well, it was nice to meet you, dude. Good luck. I didn't mean to make it so awkward. I'm sorry, mildly combative, but I appreciate it. Next time, just listen and breathe a little bit. I don't want to. Listening's good.

Or else you're going to get distracted from everything. There's so many lights up here. Yeah, it's a real professional show you signed up for, Jamel. I'm glad you're here and not 12 minutes in to, uh, 12 minutes in you being on stage. Okay, good flight! Hey, there's fucking lights! What the fuck is this? Wait a second, I'm on a show?

Good night, that's my time. Jamel Dobson's on Twitter at Hoghead Cheese. The only 30-year-old man to be born in 1971. Ben Palmer. Oh no. Ben Palmer. Ben Palmer.

Ben Palmer. Ben Palmer. Ben Palmer. I need a ride home. I got a ride up here from somebody. I have a car, but it just doesn't work. But I still keep it for storage. Someone actually tried to steal it from me once. It was late at night, and I was just going to get something out of the trunk,

and then out of nowhere this dude comes, and he's got a gun, and he's like, give me the fucking car. I'm like, shit, you can have it. But it's broke. He's like, well, what's wrong with it? I don't know, man, it's making this clicking noise. He's like, is that the timing bell? It might be.

He's like, well, pop the hood. Let's take a look. So he fixed it for me. He gave me a ride up here tonight. That was great. We held back until I saw you in the air on that. I wanted to see

where you were going from that. It was really good. Oh, thanks. It was good. That was awesome. Thanks. You gave up the theme

of fun, energetic, black person followed by sad, white guy. Yeah. You really, you really, like, painted a great picture

fast. And I wanted to hear more. I could just listen to you until I fall asleep for like 10 more minutes. I want to hear you describe dialogue between two people forever. Yeah, I mean he said... With rainforest in the background. I felt like I was watching a dope one-woman play. Super dope. Ben, welcome to the show. This is your first time on the show, right?

Second time on the show. Second time. Yeah. Where are you from? I'm from the Midwest, Ohio originally, and I lived in Atlanta the last five years. What part of Ohio? Cleveland-Akron area. Oh, very cool.

From Youngstown. Nice, nice. Columbus. Did we talk about this last time? We did. What do you do for work? Cleveland-Apron area. Oh, very cool. I'm from Yonkers. Nice, nice. Columbus. Did we talk about this last time? We did, yeah. What do you do for work?

Right now, I work for a company that licenses YouTube videos, like funny videos. I'll reach out to people and ask them if we can get them money to license their clip. Oh. You should watch this video. It's really hilarious. You're going to laugh so much. How much do you have to, wait. How much do you have to wait, how much do you have to pay

to license those videos? It depends on what kind of licensing. My job is just, so I'll watch a clip on YouTube and then I'll have to find the person who posted it originally. Because a lot of times it's in a compilation. You've been doing super sounds in the 70s. Oh, that's right.

That's what we think you're up to. You have the exact same voice as Stephen Wright. One of me was like, Stephen left the bizarro Stephen Wright. Wow. So, Ben. Yeah.

How long have you been doing it, man? I've been doing it for eight years. You didn't say 21. Tell me the fuck is that possible? You've been doing it for 21... You didn't say 21. 21. I gotta say, there's nothing sadder as a comedian when the sound effect gets the biggest laughs of the night.

It's like the machines took over and were obsolete. I want to know if Skynet is in control now. George Baker selection. It's funny because the last time we did it, I think you did that clip the same time the whole time too. So Ben, how do you get into the YouTube business like that? I got lucky man, someone put a post saying they're looking for content. And I was like, I'll go on that. I was talking about the P. Jones piece of land, so I thought I'd have to do it. I was reading about the Saudi Arabia, and I thought it was really interesting.

I can't tell the difference, I don't know, who is shopping for a gal, or if it's, you know, or does it mean, or is it? There you go, Ben Palmer. Good answer, by the way. Really good answer, totally understood. Huh, do you always wear sweaters like that? Is it like a trademark thing? No.

Or a terrible, terrible accident? Oh, come on, come on! No, I'm terrible, terrible accident? Oh, seriously? Come on! No, I'm kidding. I'm actually a fan of it. Thanks. How long have you been in L.A. now? Three months. Three months? Yeah. How old are you? 21. 21.

I totally, by the way, forgot that sounded like it existed when I asked that question. You're a Rose Battle Season 3 champion, Steven Wright sound effect. But I wonder what his record would be if... You sons of bitches. Alright. Ben, anything else interesting about you other than the fact that you sound exactly like Steven Wright? And do you have any special hobbies or skills or anything like that? Yeah, I like to troll.

I do trolling. Really? Yeah. Oh my God, that is so funny that you admit that. Yeah, it's my favorite thing to do. That is what I imagine they look like. Who are some of your favorite people to... Yeah, is it YouTube or Twitter?

What's Reddit? What's Facebook? Twitter. Oh, great. So, do you want to hear who I troll? Yeah. All right, so. Women shouldn't be good.

I troll some people that I troll on the internet. All right, so I troll angry customers on corporate Facebook pages. I pretend to be customers. Don't clap like he's fucking Robin Hood. He's sad and lonely. Wait, do you do that for the... I'll be like, Home Depot, someone will be like,

Home Depot, you fucking dicks, the piece of plywood fell on my toe. And I'll be like, from Home Depot, fuck you. But it's deeper. Someone needs to stick up for the corporations. No, it's not for the corporations. It's for the service team that works for the corporations. They get shit on for no reason.

I like this. I'm confused, though. How do you respond to Home Depot? I make a page called Home Depot or just customer service, and then I use their logo separately. And they click on it. Don't they see that it has zero followers or whatever? Yeah, but most

people don't really understand. They're stupid and they just immediately just attack. Yeah. Or it just doesn't matter and it's like fuck you, whatever. It's fun anyways, you know. That's so awesome. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making people think they were all the whole people Facebook.

You're like an evil awesome genius. Thanks man. Alright, so I also trolled, I have trolled, you guys know Joel Osteen? Yeah! Fuck that fucker. Yeah, fuck that guy. If you've ever seen Joel Osteen, that was me. I don't know if you saw that.

No, we did. Instead of Osteen, it was was old steed because he's old did that bother him did he attack well they the Houston Chronicle picked it up and then his spokesperson like made a statement and they were actually pretty cool about it was it God God? It was the devil. Did you feel shitty when they were pretty cool about it? No, I didn't. Not at all. So Joel, what other great troll wins have you heard about? Well before I left Atlanta I got a bunch of parking tickets and so then I made a city of Atlanta page and then just posted like I worked for the city government. Just shit like, fuck it, just pee wherever you want.

So then, what do you do? Like use hashtags and stuff where people stumble across it? No, I'm on Facebook. I do all Facebook. Why Facebook? Of all the places, it's Facebook. I don't know. It's just easier.

It's dumber people on there usually, right? No, that's not true. Yeah, it is. Of course it is. Really? It's definitely dumber. It's dumber people on Facebook. Oh, yeah. All right, all right. Sorry. on there usually no that's not true yeah it is of course it is really? It's dumb people on Facebook. Alright, alright, sorry. I mean you know, you use more than 70 characters. No, I don't know I just well Facebook I can respond to you use more words so that helps.

Have you ever had like a obnoxiously long post on Facebook? Like which are longest posts? Longest posts? Yeah sure One time I wrote some guy and it was like 10 paragraphs long. His question was like one sentence. Do you remember what the question was? I don't remember. God damn it. I like that you spent three hours

doing that and he was the one being pranked. I pulled a fast one. So I do a show where I use a projector and a screen and I put stuff that works on stage and I kind of narrate the trolling you do a troll show? where do you do that at?

I want to go to that oh you did? and yeah wherever I can I'm touring over the next few months but yeah it's pretty cool. One of my favorite things is that I think it was Subway, they have like they got TVs in all their locations. They would have like the news and they would have like Subway like tweets that they'd prove like hey I love Subway like on the side going and then I posted a photo of like a Subway sandwich going, this is the best thing ever.

But when they approved the tweet, I could tell when they were like, people were downloading or watching it. So I changed the photo, like, because it was on my website, I changed it from a Subway sandwich to a Goat's Seat. Did someone interrupt it with the Steve and Ray sound effects? So it was a Goat's Seat. So when you're in Subway, they approved the tweet that says, I love Subway, and it's supposed to show a sub,

but it was replaced by a goat seat of a guy doing their asshole. Maybe we can replace that part of this podcast with something funny. That story was as fulfilling as eating at Subway. Ben Palmer.

Alright, buddy to meet you. How you doing? Thanks. He's our Twitter Palmer Ben. Keep trolling, trolling, trolling. Keep trolling, trolling, trolling. Keep trolling, trolling, trolling. Keep trolling, trolling, trolling. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Looks like another new one. Joy Eileen.

So, I got sexually confused reading my kids a bedtime story last night, and I'm going to share it with you guys. Let's find opposites in John's building yard. What's the opposite of soft? That's right. It's hard. Opposites are fun to find. First in front, and then behind.

I'm going to laugh. If you guys aren't going to laugh, I'm going to laugh. Opposites are always right. Some are loose. Some are tight. John can push, and Jack can pull. Joy was empty. Now she's full.

The opposite of wet is dry. John said hello, then waved goodbye. I was going to smoke a cigarette, but you guys aren't having any fun. Holy shit, Joy, I leave. That was one of the worst things I've ever seen! Joey! That was terrible! I love how no one had a phone during that. Hey, Red Band, so what did you do at Subway again? Well, see, I took a photo and I put it on my web server and I just read it.

So is that your first time? That was a bedtime story because we were all put to sleep. That's the first time that's actually bombed. That's the first time that's bombed? Where is it killed? Johnny, we got another liar on the podcast. Are you also 30? I mean, where did you do this that it killed? Like Barnes & Noble?

No, no, Barnes & Noble. That's funny. I'm a romance author, so that's funny. Good job. Jesus, that wasn't funny. No, Flappers. Like, a week ago... Enough said!

Hey, guys, that is a reputable... That's a cool place. Jeremiah and I sleep in bunk beds in the Flapper's beauty room. I know the ten people I brought said it was hilarious. Jeremiah's bed is shaped like a sax case and mine is shaped like a guitar case.

They're flat so... The subject of your comedy is truly groundbreaking. You're timing impeccable. If I had one thing to add, it would be that I'm lying right now. You need two things, a drawing board at your place and a ride home. Okay, what's going on over there? Let's close that notebook.

Joy, are we going into the double bombing? What is this, Tower 8 coming down over there? That's our seat. Tower 8. I can never remember that. Good job. Shut up. Sorry. She's like,

It worked at the Aleppo Comedy Club last week. I'm drunk. Shut up my boobs. My pet loved it. Joyce, stop talking for a second. So, when you say that it killed at Flappers, when I say how long have you been doing stand-up,

what's your answer to that? It's been almost a year. A year, and how often do you go on stage? Not that often. I have three kids. Sure. Got you. Yeah.

I know, you read very, very interesting. I mean, that's clearly not a children's book. It is. What you said. Yes. So, it's in my purse right now. Hey. Did you, where's your purse at?

Where's your purse? Right there? Why? Whoa, somebody just threw the fucking book. What is this, the little boy you've been reading to? Oh, man. Bob the Builder. Bob the Builder. Bob the fucking book. What is this? The little boy you've been reading to? Oh man, Bob the Builder.

Bob the Builder. Bob the Builder. I like that you're trying to blame the bomb on the person who wrote the Bob the Builder book. It was the bomb! It was this dumb fuck! I will take the bomb.

Yeah, Bob the Builder is a kinky little fuck. Wow. It wasn't a random house bomb. It was a non-purpose bomb. The opposite of when it's dry. Blah blah blah. Goodbye. It's a super chubby book too.

Can we bomb it? Yes we can. What if it was called Bomb the Builder? Is that the baby daddy? That is the baby daddy. Holy shit. Triple babies. They're not the Fersi triplets, are they? You guys are the parents of the Fersi triplets, are they? You guys are the parents of the Fersi triplets. Oh my god! We like mother like sons. Although he did get more last night.

Fuck. But like, Troy, you're not really going at it that hard, you know what I mean? Yeah. How many spots do you think you've ever done on stage, if you were to guess? Oh, 10. 10, yeah. Right, yeah, you're a little baby. You didn't even move the mic stand. So, did you dub those ten times? Did you always do the Bob and the Bill thing?

No, no, no, no. Because, like I said, I'm a romance author and I'm a massage therapist, so I've got a lot of shit going on. Oh, I'm the romance and the hot stone. So, are you successful in the romance novel field? Have you had things published? I'm indie, so I'm self-published. But I mean you can go on Amazon and I'm there. Very cool. What's the kinkiest thing that happens in one of your romance novels? Or in real life. Sure, sure. I want to know what this fucking fact is. We can go to massage therapy. You drive something for a living, am I correct? No.

Alright, fuck it. Anyway, back to you. I actually have a book under a different name, under Patty Cake, and it's Two Lesbians. What do the two lesbians do? What do they do? Each other. Well they're roommates and one roommate is trying, she's a virgin and she's like trying to get a guy and she's super well written. That's the story of Pat Reagan. How many different things have you written Joy?

I have five books published. How old are your kids? Five, ten, and fifteen. Five, ten, fifteen. Every five years you guys just cream pie city. Dude, that's what I call sex. Cream pie city, dude. How long have you been with your man? Twelve years.

12 years? Wait a second. But you said 5, 10, 15. Every 5 years? It's like cock work. Have you ever had a lesbian encounter before? No. Well, I think you should. I think you should bring it home for better books, right? More realistic books! Research!

Audience get on, Red Band Swag! It's like if WWF's China was a housewife. Joey, the subject matter of your comedy is truly groundbreaking. This thing ain't working, Pat. Abandon ship, bro. It would be that I'm lying right now. See, we should have both abandoned the books. Oh!

Oh! You know what? I'm gonna let you get out of here on my life, Joy Eileen. Get out of here. There she goes, Joy Eileen. Hey, it's me, Joy. I'm gonna let you get... I've never let anybody get out on their my life, Troy Eileen. Get out of here. There she goes, Troy Eileen. Hey, it's me, Troy. I'm gonna let you get, I've never let anybody get out on their one lap, by the way. That's a cool funny part. There it is, I got that.

So fun. She's still contributing more to this world than we ever will. If you're wondering, our one current regular, Allie Makovsky, is in New York City. She just went to New York for a month or two and was extremely featured on every single morning show. She was with Shia LaBeouf. She's the girl that when Shia LaBeouf got arrested on the video that circulated everywhere with her hand up. So we let her go to New York to go do stand-up out there,

and now she's basically the he-will-not-divide-us, like the face of an entire movement. He-will-not-divide-us. Literally. He-will-not-divide-us. They just keep repeating it like zombies, so I don't know what drugs she's trying. He-will-not-divide-us.

He-will-not-divide-us. He-will-not-divide-us. It's very frightening, but hopefully, when she's done with whatever cult she's joined, He will not divide us. He will not divide us. He will not divide us. It's very frightening, but hopefully when she's done with whatever cult she's joined temporarily, she'll be back on the show. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Kevin Kelly. I'm a post-out, I'm a sexual man And my homies are down, so don't arouse my anger For old and dead, they ain't nothing but a heart Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and trans, and non-gender identifying primate mammals. I was thinking about our nation's motto the other day.

You know, the one Congress changed in 1957. To in God we trust. And my question is this, y'all. Which God is it specifically that we trust in? Is it the white God or the black God? Is it the white God or the black God? Is it the brown God or the green God? Is it the God with the lion's face or the God with the hawk's beak? Is it the God with the snake tail, the eagle's wings?

Is it the land God that makes the earthquake or the sky God that throws lightning from the heavens? The God on currency. Is that fair? I'll give you that one. Is it the water God that throws tsun lightning from the heavens? The god on currency. Fair, fair. I'll give you that one. Is it the water god that throws tsunamis from the ocean? Is it the god that says to kick gay people off the roofs of buildings? And the god that's like, yo, slavery's a great idea! Is it the god that hates women?

Or the other god who hates women? Or the other god who hates women? Or the other god... Thank you, Los Angeles! There you go, that is one of the funniest manifestos I've ever heard in my entire life. Are you gonna shoot the place up now? Thank God it's over. Hey, Tony, can I say something?

Which one? Pass this. I usually hate hecklers, but that dude was dope. It is actually funny that you say that. I sort of agree on that one. I like the other guy I took credit for. That was rude. And I usually hate slam poetry, and once again, I'm right.

Kevin, how's it going, my man? How you doing? I'm well, Tony. Thanks. How long have you been doing stand-up? Stand-up? About a year. About a year?

Yeah. Oh, that's pretty evil. You look like one of the guys that gets trolled by the other guy that was on stage. How long have you been doing stand-up? Stand-up? About a year. About a year? Yeah. Oh, that's how you go. You look like one of the guys that gets trolled by the other guy that was on stage. Thanks, Mike. You're welcome. Whoa.

People not know what this show is. Yeah. Kevin, so about a year. What do you do for work? Build things on the computer. You build things on a computer? The computer. A software engine.

The computer. The computer. The computer. The computer. The computer. The computer. The work? Build things on the computer. You build things on a computer? The computer. The main computer.

What types of things do you build? Programs, systems, and networks. Anything fun that we would know about? iPhone, the iPhone 2, Not yet. iPhone 3S. Uh, that's fun. He looks like Steve Jobs. Thank you, Pat. Well, I know he doesn't.

Steve Jobs now, maybe, but... I look like a dead man? Nope. You don't look like Steve Jobs. And why are you so poetry? Like, is this your normal act? Are you like this intense? Do you go to flappers also? What do you do?

Make art where you from New York original how long you been here, LA about two years two years What do you prefer why do you prefer LA over New York? No winter LA. It's kind of like the island from Lost. Every day is a little bit the same. New York, they did four true seasons. The winter's out in the east. When you're dragging a bloody body, it leaves marks of stone. Whereas out here, it just sort of blends into the street. You look like you're performing until your wife comes back.

I'm doing this for you, Sophia. You had wonderful hair that was the color of the sun. You seem a little out of breath. Like, were you changing a diaper before you came out here or something like that? I'm winded. I'm winded. I have asthma. You do? Do you have an inhaler? Not on me.

Oh, this is interesting. Are you having an attack right now? No, you're good. Quit asking about it, dude. You're seriously not having an asthma attack right now. Like, your heart is starting to beat faster as people are asking you more questions about your asthma. Are you good? I'm good. All right.

I'm good. Thank you. Resume. So, Kevin, what do you think your main point that you were trying to get across during that thing was? Well, if I had to... If I had to... If I did it, I thought you were just going to pull out an AK-47. No, no, no.

Heaven's no time. I'm a pacifist. I'm a pacifist. But I do think now, more than ever, the world's first secular republic be allowed a word or two. Wait, say that one more time. I do think that now, more than ever, what with the climate being what it is,

the world's first secular republic be allowed a word or two. If I- BANG! Oh my god. Oh my god. What the hell was that? Dude.

Red Band is one dirty dog. You know who else chopped that I eat? Did I just say- Did you say how heavy that was? Did I just say that was still the least intense part of the last five minutes? How hard did you get? I had to count like three hands.

I thought I got shocked for a second. I thought I genuinely got shocked. I got a minute to imagine what it would be like. You would just hear a loud bang and it's just sort of like, look. I didn't even shrug that shit off. I was like, huh? Dude, we all got shot like 30 minutes ago. We're all in purgatory. You look like you're having a roast battle with yourself.

Kevin, why do I feel like you have one of those apocalypse shelters? What are those called? I think it's a, no, it's a... Bomb. You know what it is. It is, it is a shelter. Do you have one? I don't. Kevin.

Do you have like, bulk items, like stacked, like prepared just in case something would ever happen? Would you live by yourself? No. Who do you live with? My partner. Ooh, oh, really? Like, uh...

Henry Rollins? Like what people think you are, Tony? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you know what that is? It's raining men! What the fuck is going on in here? The fuck? I like that Brian tried to tell him you didn't work. He's like, back to the sound effects! What the fuck is going on in here? The fuck?

I like that Brian tried talking and it didn't work. He's like, back to the sound effects! I know what I'm good at. DJ Garage Band. Hey Kevin, how do you think the world's gonna end? Our... Nevermind. I do want to hear this. Guys, so look.

Humans are one species on a planet with hundreds of billions of species. We're on one planet. Do I have to watch this TED talk? That goes around one... We're over one star. How long is this? 30 seconds. That goes around one, we're over one star. How long is this?

How long is this? How do you go over there? 30 seconds, 30 seconds. Keep going, keep going. We got one star in one galaxy, and that's one galaxy, and it counts almost 100 billion galaxies. There's a billion stars in our known.

Yes. So, again, our inconsequential human primate mammal, I am... All right. Our society's doing well. Red Band is one dirty dog. The power of the... Kevin, any other special... Imagine a tunnel of light.

And a storm. What was the end of the whole thing? Billions of stars? The envelopes are cerebral. We are one plant. We have light on one plant. There are hundreds of billions of planets. Yep. First day of kindergarten. We got that part. Yep.

So how does this world end? Probably the same all worlds end. It's the kind of conversation you hear when they're leaving the coffee shop. That is so fucking true. Are you guys sucking dick? Yeah, I'm just gonna work from home today. Serious question.

Pat Reagan with a question from three-point range. Never done it, Pat. Never done it? Sorry. Never done it. Sorry. There you go. Dude, I'm into finger blasting. It's all good, man. I like that.

Saving it for marriage. It's sweet. So when you say Second Republic, I don't know, there's something I feel like, I feel like we're almost somewhere with you here. When you say that, Secular Republic. Oh, Secular Republic. Secular Republic. I don't know, there's something I feel like we're almost somewhere with you here. When you say that... Secular Republic.

Oh, Secular Republic. Secular Republic. I thought that you were like starting a cult or something. Oh no, we, we Americans, we as the Collective People of the Secular Republic. We gotta change the world one comedy podcast at a time. Kevin, what else do you do? As much as possible. There really has been

a diversity of creepy white guys on this show today. If you get all the white guys together, it is a disturbing police lineup. It's so uncomfortable. I feel like this might actually just be Wubb Sibel if somebody hit him in the head

with an aluminum bat after this. You guys remember Wubb from earlier? The guy that looked just like him? I'm not understanding this reference point. Hold on. Kevin, anything else you want to mention? Favorite thing you've ever done in your entire life? Favorite thing?

Yeah. I drove in a helicopter to the top of the Alps and jumped. It was so fucking intense and I jumped like you're a human not in a dune commercial. It was Code Red style, it was as real as the streets. Wow. As real as the streets. There's a massage therapist if you need any work. My shoulders are tense.

Yes, just your shoulders. So you went to the top of the Alps. You took a helicopter to get there. And then you jumped out with a parachute and did you land on the top of the Alps or did you glide along them? No, no. You're above the Alps and you're there.

You're 50,000 feet up. You're suspended. You look it over and then you just jump. You land on the ground below the Alps. You don't jump from on top of the Alps to the Alps. Duh, Tony! Awesome! We're learning all about the Alps.

Awesome! So, with a parachute, how far of a jump was that? I don't know, 15,000? 15,000? 14,000? I raised you to 15,000. Oh my god. We should make like a cow and move on.

There he goes, Kevin Kelly, ladies and gentlemen. Nice to meet you, Kevin. There he goes. He's like Kevin Kelly on this story. Sometimes after a more cerebral episode, that's what I'll describe this as, a cerebral episode. F's what I'll describe this as. A cerebral episode. Faux cerebral.

Very cerebral. Faux cerebral, not cerebral. It's pronounced pho. I think you don't realize I'm saying an entirely different word, but... Right? Dude. What? What?

There's a guy here who went up for the first time a few weeks ago that I want to see go up again Specifically he made his debut here and it was so fun to watch him work So I'm just gonna bring him up. We're gonna have one last comedian come on and that's the end of the show How do you guys feel about that? We fell in love with this guy the first time we saw him here a few weeks ago. Put your hands together for Mystery Dan, ladies and gentlemen. Time to talk to the South. Well, thank you, Tony, but sadly this may be my last appearance here. Because if the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl, I will kill myself.

the Super Bowl I will kill myself I have met every last cent I own on the Falcons and spent the last of my money on a 9 millimeter Glock in a box of bullets because they won't sell an individual So I'm, you know, I'm just waiting for the game and the outcome, because I just can't imagine a God that would allow five New England victories in the Super Bowl. I mean, there would be no God. I wouldn't be afraid of hell or anything. It's just, that's it. Well, there you go. Wow, good job. Looks like there's just no way for us to avoid the theme of tonight's it. Well, here you go. Good job, Tony.

Looks like there's just no way for us to avoid the theme of tonight's episode. I'm glad you let Kevin's partner tell his side of the story. Well, Mystery Dan actually did. You are gay, right? Yes. And you lived for, we talked about this last time you were on, you lived for decades in the closet and then you just said fuck it and moved to West Hollywood and started buttfucking everything right? Yeah. That's a story to set you guys up. To be in touch with you after the show.

I'm surprised you're not a Packers fan. Yeah dude, I'm surprised you're probably a whole history, Dan. You know what I'm saying? I feel like he explicitly travels by hot air balloon. Are you a Patriots fan because you're their logo? I feel like he still calls trains locomotives. I feel like he paints his face to look like an Indian now when dumped to the ocean. He looks like he's on Mr. Rogers' neighborhood watch list.

It's just so good to finally meet Captain Crunch. Been a favorite to him for so long. Fuck you Lin-Manuel. This is the real Alexander Hamilton. So you're going to really shoot yourself? No, no. I don't even follow football. I just...

Oh, what the fuck? That was... Rocky goes and takes the game too seriously. Wait, Josh. You thought there was something human about him but he deceived you and he takes his face off and it's a snake underneath. Foolish humans!

You fell for the musings of mystery, Dad. Why did you not listen to Kevin? Mystery, Dan. If you were going to be an animal, what kind of animal would you be? Boy, that is a hard one. I'd probably go with crow. What? Crow? Why a crow?

You get to fly. You're very smart. How old are you and Aphrodite going to be in France? You wouldn't date Mystery Dan? No! You guys would be awesome together. You two walking around would look like two eternal trick-or-treaters. Both your hair kids could cry at each other. One night as kids,

they went out trick-or-treating, and they just never separated. Ebony. And ivory. Hey, a red man is a dirty dog. Mystery Dan. So, I don't know if we got too much into detail. You have a boyfriend?

No, Mystery Dan. Oh, no. You're just playing the game, right? No. I'm a lone wolf. A lone wolf? Yeah. So that's the animal you brought.

I feel like if Robin Williams was alive, he'd play you in a movie and win an Oscar. I feel like if Robin Williams was alive he'd play you in a movie and win an Oscar. Don't be sad at that, he's still with Jones. So like what kind of guys are you into, Mystery Dan? I like the young, twinkish types. But these days we're just sitting in history. Is that even a twink or a wink? Say it again. And then Mystery Dan's like, no Latinos, please.

Wine zone. Two in the twink, three in the stink. There are some mysteries better left undiscovered. Mystery Dan, did you vote in this last election? Well, yes, I did And Jill Stein would have made a great president No, I voted for Hillary You did? Yes

Were you with her, huh? Yes, I was Wait, Aphrodite, did you just say, oh God? Were you a Trump supporter? Hell no Who'd you vote for? I was brain-potting Aphrodite, did you just say, oh God? Were you a Trump supporter? Hell no. Who'd you vote for? How was brain potty?

Aphrodite doesn't want to have to do jury duty. I voted for Martha and the Vandellas. Actually, after the inauguration, I... I wrote in the Sidewinder's. They should be the goddamn president! It was in on the Black people anyway! Hell no! A moment of silence for everyone who sat behind her in a movie theater. I love her over there.

Long moment of silence. She's like part of the set but she's not part of the set. She's on this podcast. I love her over there. Long road aside. She's like part of the set, but she's not part of the set. She's on this podcast. I love it. You're like slotting quivers. Jesus, Mike. You can't see or hear what's going on. You don't know about Black Widow. Okay, relax, Aphrodite.

You relax. Pipe down. She gets excited. Mystery, Dan. So what's something crazy you've done in the past couple weeks since we've seen you? Just real talk. You don't have to try to be funny. Just something interesting that first thing that pops

in your head. I went to the Broadway theater thing that they have downtown the other night. They opened all the theaters. It was really fancy. Oh yeah. That's going to be great. All the major theaters. The old ones. Broadway. Did you buy a new cape theaters it was really fancy oh yeah all the that's that's that's gonna be great all the major theaters the old ones broadway did you buy a new cape or wear one of your old ones

what's your favorite candy chocolate what kind of chocolate? Sweet chocolate. Dark chocolate. Let's get it on. You know that would just make too good of an ending of a big episode, now wouldn't it after a big... Wouldn't want to put a big black ribbon on this whole thing. Is this what the... Mystery Dam. What else do I wanna know about? What's your favorite kind of porn? Oh, Jesus, Brian. Really?

Mystery Dam? You're gonna throw that at Mystery Dam? I feel like you have a portrait of yourself in your house, then the eyes move whenever you walk up to them. Oh my god. In a way, they do. That is a true mystery, Dan. You were one of my favorite characters on the Guess Who Game Board. Any lucky years? Have you always had that cool white hairstyle like that? I just quit dyeing it about five or six years ago.

What color did you dye it? Brown. I used to try and keep it brown, but then I just gave up on it. And now it looks like Board of Education. So, is it true that you are running for president in 1786 right now? You look like you invented the word filibuster. What's the craziest thing that you've ever done and gotten away with? We asked for one earlier. It turns out he was raw dogging a stripper for a year.

How about you? I want to believe he wrote the children's book that she read for him. Bob the Builder. I feel like you've been chewing that same piece of gum for like 150 years. It was the first piece he invented. They called it Wrigley. He's the only person that's gonna die of tuberculosis now. He knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of everything.

Dude, that was so romantic. It was tight. Yeah. He's made up of pure imagination. Tell us something about you that we'd be surprised to know, Mystery Dan. Anything. I beat the Grim Reaper three times in the last two years. Wow! Are you fucking serious?

Wow. In what? Chess? In the afterlife parties that you guys have? I think he was just like, I'm not touching this one. In what? Chess? For like parties that you guys have? I think he was just like, I'm not touching this one. Turns out that Grim Reaper's a total twink. He came for you and you bent him over and butt fucked him.

That's creepy long gray pubes all over his black suit. He's pissed. Wiped it off in the trucking gym. Hey, Mr. Dan, have you ever owned a chandelier store? No, but I do enjoy them. I would love for someone to say, I want to speak to the manager

and then he comes out. Are you ready? I've just been hanging around the back. I want to speak to the manager and then he comes out. Are you ready? I've just been hanging around the back. It's a chandelier story you motherfuckers. Alright, mystery. He was in the play that Abe Lincoln saw. Mystery. Alright, well, what can I say? You are one interesting character. Wait, let me ask you this. What, uh, what, uh, what is the Grim Reaper failed at? How has he tried? First time I had a concussion in a steam room and I took about a four foot head dive straight in.

Wow! You were in a steam room, butt-pumping so hard that you... I was alone in the steam room. Jerking off so hard. And I thought I was dead for about a two minute period. It was truly trippy. If you thought you were dead, you weren't dead. You looked like you were dead entirely. Interesting. So you hit your head, got a concussion, did you go to the hospital? Yes, fortunately no damage other than I had to get six staples in my scalp.

Ooh, wow. Scalp staples. My scalp tore open. And they decided to flop that wig on there? Okay, so concussion and a steamer. Huge masturbating accident. And how about the second time? How'd you almost die in the steam room, a huge masturbating accident. And how about the second time? How'd you almost die in the last two years the second time? I almost choked on the Toblerone!

Dude, I laughed at that, but I have no idea what that is. It's the Jeremiah Watkins of candy bars. Don't be shy, Mystery Dan. Tell the truth. Second time was I was stabbed in a racially motivated attack. And they just said, fuck yeah. Wait a second. So I heard of the racially motivated attack, and then you might as well have been Aphrodite speaking to me.

Were you set for that? What? Racially motivated attack. Yes. And what? Yes. Ooh, yes. You did read it.

They told me to exit stage right. Left even. What happened in the racially motivated attack, and how many times did you say the N-word before you were stabbed? Towards the start of the time. I happened to be at a Burger King, 3.30 on a Monday afternoon. Oooh, an afternoon hamburger. He was wearing the crown that day.

And these two young black dudes bullying everybody there. And you said, you know what, I almost died from jerking off in a steam room recently. I'm gonna stand up for these kids. I'm mystery Dan. Hello officers, I believe I'm a part of a racially motivated attack. These two ruffians are disturbing me. What were the two young black kids doing to, uh, how old would you say that they were? Dragging their tits.

I'm trying to enjoy my Whopper Junior, the twink of sandwiches. Mystery dance. So what are these 20-year-old kids like saying to other people when you say that they were bullying? What were they doing? Every word was the F word or the N word. But they are a lot to say the n-word freedom of speech yes yeah what do you think you're the king of Burger King or something like that? the fact that he said Edward is the real mystery of the night okay so they're calling people this that what do you say somebody makes a remark about those people.

And I said, well, every group's got its lowest 1%. Uh-oh. And the father heard that and said, what did you say? And I said, every group's got its lowest 1%. And he said, what that mean? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh shit! I really didn't think he was going to do that. Oh shit! Oh shit! I really didn't think he was going to do that. Mystery solved!

There's statistical analysis involved in this. So here we go. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I really don't think you'd understand. That's what you said? Yes. And then what did he say? Then he continued to bully the waitstaff for another five or six minutes trying to get

a rise out of me. And then he sat on the food counters trying to stare daggers down at me, looking up and down the street to make sure no cops are coming. And then he said, I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to

the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station and I'm going to go to the police station me. And then he sat on the food counters trying to stare daggers down at me, looking up and down the street to make sure no cops are coming. And then he boldly walks up to me and says, Anything you say behind my back, you can say to my face. Did you tell him you fought for his rights in the Civil War? So what was most telling in the instance was the self-righteousness in this asshole's voice. Hey, can you say behind my back? You can say the right thing.

So what did you say? Well, he stepped back and sat back on the counter. So I said to him, as this is an eating establishment, I will pay for you. That's literally what every white guy says before they shoot a black kid. He proceeded to jump off the counter, stab me in the neck, throw me to the ground, beat me about the head and neck.

Fortunately, I caught his first fist with my forehead and broke his hand. He was unable to bruise this face. Little did he know that my skull was made of titanium. I mistried the way he got up and said, Don't you ever disrespect a black man like that again! And then I yelled, Worldstar. You live in a fire-burner lunacy.

So he said, get up, motherfucker! And I got up! You got up? You better believe it! Holy shit, Mr. Egan, you were- I was starting to get angry! I was just trying to enjoy my nuggets of chicken! This has been the establishment of eating!

Okay, so then what? You're bleeding out of the neck and you stood up. Like, this is like Passion of the Christ at this point. I mean,

you're bleeding out of the neck. You've been beaten in the head. You broke his hand. Here's a few more challenges of I stand my ground. He walks out the door. I follow his pussy ass up the ground.

That choice of words standing around. It's good to get back here, you pussy. I wasn't going to dignify it with an N word,, which is what he wanted I think. Probably. Now what I thought you were about to say, seriously. I was like, oh, okay. I mean, after someone stabs you in the neck, I think you might be allowed to say it after that.

This was coincidentally the same day. You could not escape the image of a white police officer throwing a young black girl to the floor. The seventh grade cl... day. It was that day. And after I was freshly stitched, I went to CNN with that tape playing up ahead to say, See what you have wrought. But unfortunately security wouldn't let me through. I don't know what just happened right there. Okay, so the third time It's cause they're fake news, bro. So the third time you almost died mystery Dan, what was this one? This one was really fun. It was strange. Oh, this one was strange? You getting stabbed in the neck in a Burger King? Well, it's only a flesh wound.

One day after the other. You think I'd be blood like a mortar? One day I'll take a piss and it's red. I think that's not right. Oh, you pee in it. Dude had hemorrhoids. I had a bladder tumor, which miraculously turned out to be benign

because I have an older brother who had bladder cancer. What if this is like the saddest Final Destination movie? I think you're right. That might be it. Wow. Death is almost catching up to your creepy pedophile. Well, that's interesting. You're a fucking survivor

and you survived up here again tonight. How long have you been doing stand-up again? That was like your first time a few weeks ago or something? Well, this is about four months now. Right. So, this is the first time on a real stage. Well, there you go. Wait, are you saying that the belly room

isn't a real stage, Mr. Mugumuru? Well, I mean, that's the second time I've been. Second time. You wanna get fucked this step into death? Yeah, dude. Do you wanna be history, Dan? Is this a step in the deck? Yeah dude, do you want to be History Dan? Jeremiah Lawson

Alright, there you go, Mystery Dan, thank you Thank you very much Sorry, a ton of other people to get down tonight I know it was a lot of weeks in that bucket Check out the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelts, everybody. He drew that live for you, man. What's up? I'm touring stand-up-wise everywhere at TonyHCup.com. Frank Castillo just won last night. He won Rose Candles Season 2.

Frank Castillo is on Twitter. Frank C. Comedy. Frank, the letter C, and then comedy. So follow him now. And the Mike Lawrence, right? Mike Lawrence, Rose Petal Season 1 champion. You're only two Rose Petal champions ever. Check out dates for you at what, Mike Lawrence?

I'm writing on a show called Drop the Mic that will premiere later this year on TBS Yeah, hey guys I'm a little bit tired now. At Jeremiah's stand-up, reach out to me on social media, bro. Alright, yeah.

I'm connecting with the heckler from earlier now. You know, catch up on Roast Battle and then the Comedy Jam comes out in March on Comedy Central with Mike, which Mike Lawrence wrote on his part too, so I've been working with Mike Lawrence all year so far. Pat Reagan!

Pat Reagan! P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N Listen to my music. He's the band leader here. Listen to his music. His new album is out on iTunes. Spotify, Bad Chat. Spotify, that's Bad Chat. He's the leader of the Kill Tony band and the reason

why Jeremiah and Joel Jimenez are here. One more time for Pat Reagan. Yeah, all that and more. I have a pro wrestling podcast called The Stuart Worsman. We just got back from the Royal Rumble. Fun times over there. Tony Hour, TonyHinchcliffe.com for all that other fun stuff. Red Band, take us home. Good night, everybody. Good night. I'm waving my dick in the wind. I'm waving my dick in the wind. Is it all good or bad? I'll be in your arms tonight. I'm waving my dick in the wind.

I'm lost in the small sports again. I'm lost in the small sports again. If I in the sauce once again If I make it through the night Maybe I'll be alright I'm lost in the sauce once again It's been 37 days since I laid my head beside you All the pain must hide in between There's some red and blue lines that are shining right behind me And that makes it pretty mean, bastard bastard Should have seen old Jimmy Wilson dance

Should have seen old Jimmy Wilson dance Give that boy a dime and you could have a chance To see old Jimmy Wilson dance Dance, Jimmy The Jazz Tribute. Thank you.