KILL TONY - KILL TONY #196

Episode Date: February 14, 2017

Ralphie May, Brian Moses, Joe DeRosa, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 02/06/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And we're going to be at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. That's April 21st. And we might have another Texas date announcement very soon, so keep an ear out for that. But you can always go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for his dates and his merchandise and everything like that. DeathSquad.tv is the home base of Death Squad, so if you like Kill Tony, check out all the other shows we do there,

including the new Death Squad Chronicles. Also, if you click on Tour Dates, you can see all the different shows we do. It's gotten really confusing lately, but pretty much we do Monday, Kill Tony, every Monday at the Comedy Store. Every first Wednesday of the month, we have the big secret show in the main room. Every first and third Friday, we're at the Ice House for the secret show. And then Laugh Factory, we're doing two shows a month now there.

So check out DeathSquad.tv. Click on tour dates. shows a month now there so check out death squad.tv click on tour dates also coming up a bunch of new stuff at shop squad which is the official merchandise of the death squad universe you can go to shop squad.tv see if there's anything left but look out for some new hats and stuff very soon and last but not least go to ryanjebelt.com. That's the house artist. He draws every episode and then sells prints of it. And so go to ryanjebelt.com to check out those. All right, here's a brand new episode

of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Henscliff. Yeah, that's right. It's a real live show in here.

Wow, look at that. Look at the empty chairs. I like the energy in here tonight. It's a real eye-opening experience. Super Bowl. We have the toughest door guy in the game back there. Look at you. Angry tonight.

Arms crossed. One of the most unwelcoming door guys ever at the Comedy Store. How are you? What do you hear? Let me check something. Check your ID. Jamie Vernon? No Jamie Vernon.

Brian Redband's here, everybody. Hey, what's up, guys? I love Brian Redband's here, everybody. Hey, what's up, guys? I love Brian Redband. Brian J. E. Belt is here drawing tonight's episode. I'm excited about that. We're streaming live on YouStreamSomething.com. DeathSquad.live. DeathSquad.live.

So here we go. Live audience. You ready to have some fun tonight or what? Here at Kill Tony right now. We're going to be at Moon Tower in Austin, Texas, April 21st. That's a really big deal. 421 in Austin, Texas. Ryan, are you going to go to that?

You going to be there for that? Yeah. I was going to try. Ryan J. Ebelt drew the Kill Tony poster, and he draws every single episode of the show. Those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com. What do you think, Brian? Let's bring them up. Let's bring up tonight's guests.

Usually I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week, we have three of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. Put your hands together for Ralphie May, Brian Moses, and Joe DeRosa. Yeah. The host of Comedy Central's roast battle.

The newest one-hour special on Comedy Central. And a man with ten one-hour comedy specials. And a beast. The great Ralphie May, ladies and gentlemen, is here. Three of my favorite humans in the world. Yeah, you got it. Okay. No, mine's not.

Oh, shit. Got to keep trying. But I was supposed to come in first. You should be like, heck. And I don't think you're being honest, to be honest with you. I was supposed to come in first. And my fucking foot fell asleep because I'm fat,

and I was sitting on that ledge. And it was like, danger, my foot fell asleep. Mo's like, get me out of here. He's going to kill me. Well, Ralphie's foot fell asleep, everybody. That's when you know we're off to a good start. It's y'all's weed.

I haven't had West Coast weed in forever. It made me dum-dum-bill. It hits me every time. It makes my feet fall asleep. It's too strong. It starts at the foot and goes up. It's powerful. Good thing we got that tequila, though. Do you think it's too strong, Tony?

Because you're a pro. Yeah, I do. I love it. That's why I can only smoke so much. I take baby hits just throughout the day and night. Just little baby hits here and there You're a pro. Yeah, I do. I love it. That's why I can only smoke so much. I take like baby hits just throughout the day and night. Yeah. Just little baby hits here and there off of a joint. I did Getting Doug With High last week

and I almost had a fucking nervous breakdown. Yeah, well, the thing that we... What I've realized about that show is it's not even... It's not even... It's not even the pot on Getting Doug With High. It's the fact that there's no format to the show other than just smoking pot.

He asks you pot questions and stuff. Yeah, but you're inhaling a bong at the time. It doesn't make sense. Somebody's got to be smoking the whole time. So I end up having a half a panic attack the few times that I've done that. Yeah. I knew I was in trouble when I go, I was sweating harder than I've ever sweat in my life. And I go, it's hot in here, right?

And everybody was like, no. And I had to go sit in front of a fan. Then I evened out. I was cool. But it was scary. But no, I thought Sativa's the light. There's the heavy. I mean, it's the high one.

And that's when you get on your head and you think everybody's trying to kill you. The indica is the one that makes you want to sit in a couch. That's the one when you say you're stoned. That's what you feel like. But sativa is when you go, I'm high. That's what it is, sativa. Okay, so you want to... But if you ever get anxiety from weed really bad,

do push-ups or exercise, and it burns it off. It's gone. You don't have to go to the hospital. Somebody take me to the hospital. People are fucking up all over the country. You're right. Do push-ups or a clear carbonated beverage like a Sprite or Ginger Ale

and then you have to burp it up. Why a clear beverage? Because if it's a dark soda, then it tends to have a syrup in it that sort of sinks things more. So they just sort of, by keeping it simple so that people don't end up doing,

I guess, cola or Dr. Pepper, which is surprisingly not a remedy of all the sodas. You would think Dr. Pepper would be the healthy one, but no, it's actually pretty much just Sprite, ginger ale, like regular soda. I'm going to try this indigo theory. When you have a panic attack and you feel like you're having a heart attack.

The indigo's good, and I've been smoking weed longer than everybody up here. They have the best names, too. I have indica at home called Yoda OG. That's the best. That's a pretty strong one. I like God's Gift and I like what we used to call...

What's the kind called where you smoke so much of it that you forgot that you were doing a live show? Oh. Anyway, I'm excited about this. It's called Tony's Blunt. I don't know. I'm sorry.

We're just having a great conversation. I've been waiting for the horse of truth. I already laid down truth twice. No horse of truth. Okay. Or Winnie. You are right. There was no horse of truth.

Yeah. Let's get into it, though, let's bring up the band You guys love rock and roll or what? I have the coolest band in all of comedy It's called the Kill Tony Band It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins And Joel Jimenez Pat Reagan

Yeah Oh my god Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store for another edition of Kill Tony, volume whatever. Give it up for the host of Kill Tony, Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, no. He's sick. Son of a bitch.

Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, you son of a bitch. Fuck yeah, everybody. Fuck yeah. Hey, Josh Martin, get your ass up here. This mic isn't loud enough. You need to adjust it. You dumbass, adjust mine.

Mine. That's the greatest thing ever. Oh, my fucking God. Holy shit. Wow, where's Josh at? Is that your hoodie? That's amazing. Wow.

He's got the key thing. The tight pants and the key thing. The annoying key chain hanging from his waist. Except that doesn't make a ton of noise every step that he takes. That's so funny. I'm going to have a bad episode this week. This guy's out of control.

Wow, hello, welcome me and Red Band and Josh Martin. How are you guys tonight? Feeling like the greatest comedian in the world. Wow, I don't think I've ever said that. Martin, how are you guys tonight? Feeling like the greatest comedian in the world. Oh, wow. I don't think I've ever said that. I've thought it a lot, but I don't think I've said it out loud. No, you've said it. I've heard you say it.

Oh, you son of a bitch. Was he really saying it, or was he just quoting a Jesonic bit? Oh, how dare you. How dare you. Where's that horse? Where's that horse? Let's go. How dare you. John Panette said? Where's that horse? Let's go.

How dare you. John Panette said it better to me five years ago. Oh, stop with the Panette. Come on, stop. I'm just kidding. We're in the show, guys. I have a bucket full of comedians. How about that?

You ready to start this shit or what? Truth. If you get paid out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. 60 seconds uninterrupted. 60 seconds uninterrupted. All right. After that 60 seconds, you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go.

That means wrap it up. Don't be an idiot. Don't be a buffoon. I pulled a name out of the bucket put your hands together for Joan LaRosa ladies and gentlemen Joan LaRosa what is your name that's weird I thought somebody

dressed like me was going to come don't interrupt this part. Joan LaRose, everybody. Put your hands together for Joan. Guys, so I've been cat sitting lately. And I know I should be more grateful because I get a free place to live. But this cat is just so annoying. And I couldn't figure out what bothered me until finally I realized this cat acts exactly like me every time I convince a guy to spend the night.

It's like, hey, thanks for dinner. Can we cuddle? I've just been so lonely for so long. It just feels so good to be held. Are you asleep? Are you asleep? Are you asleep? Are you asleep? I'm going to sit on your face!

Sorry about all the hair. Thanks, guys. I'm Joan LaRosa. There you go, Joan LaRosa. Not to be confused with Joe DeRosa. That is odd, isn't it? Actually, we have one tweet with each other. I was just like, when are we going to talk about our names?

Oh, I remember that. I actually remember that. It's good to meet you finally. Yeah, nice to meet you. Yeah, hi. How are you doing? Very funny. Good work.

This is how it starts. With La Rosa, Nick DeRosa. Which last name do we keep? I don't know. DeRosa or La Rosa. I would totally hyphenate it.

I would be La Rosa DeRosa. Oh, she's into it. That should be your stage name anyway. That would be so cool. Drop Joan. Just be La Rosa DeRosa. La Rosa DeRosa.

That would be a pretty amazing name. That would be sweet. I want to. Just be La Rosa De Rosa. La Rosa De Rosa. That would be a pretty amazing name. That would be sweet. I want to know what I thought about that performance. Yeah. What did you think, Tom? Well. Oh, this you.

All I could think about was how long have you been wearing pillowcases as shirts? Thank you. Now I can't do that one. But seriously, how long have you been wearing pillowcases? I bought this today at like 4 p.m. Why?

Because I had... I don't know, dude. You're so much funnier this way, Jeremiah. Are you kidding me? I worked a weekend with him. Funniest he's been ever. He's cold-blooded, right? Funniest man ever.

I just flew in today, and I had no clean clothes, and then I was like, oh, shit, let's go to Target, and I just ran around everywhere. What is that? What is the rationalization of that crow right there? That's her flying in. Yeah, I got that. Is that a cat scratch?

I don't know what it is, actually. Whoa, we have an open wound. Yeah. Yikes. I was really drunk in Osaka, and it just appeared. Wait, when was this? Like three days ago. Whoa, you were in Osaka three days ago? Yeah, I flew in from Tokyo

this morning. Wow, and you have an open wound on your arm. I do, I do. But I made it through immigration, so it's cool. Them Japanese ain't Muslim, that's what it is. I didn't realize how bad it looked. That's true.

Hey, what's your favorite category of porn? Horse feeding. It's force feeding. What? Is that true? Yeah, it's true. I mean, I like watching skinny girls have to eat.

Is that true? Yeah. That's hilarious. It's totally true. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can make money with that? By the way, open with that. Lead with that.

Lead with that? Yeah. What do you mean? My favorite kind of porn is force feeding. Well, I have that as a thing. Because I like watching skinny bitches have to eat. Yeah. That'll kill.

Yeah, yeah. That'll kill. Seriously. Nice. Okay. Is that an actual thing that you really watch? Are you trying...

It's a thing that you stumble upon when you're looking through random Japanese stuff, you know? Wow. Why is everything so Japanese with you?

I don't know. I actually have been living in China, so I don't know why it's so Japanese right now. Wait, what? What do you do?

Who are you? Are you a comedian or a fucking spy?, yeah, yeah. Or a fucking spy? That's Japanese music. That is very Japanese. Some of that good old Japanese jam band music. Yeah, yeah.

No, I'm a comedian, yeah. What do you do for work? Well, for day job work, I do online stuff for a language learning company called Italki. Shameless plug. Ooh, Italki. There's some more of the classic Japanese. No, no.

It's more like our founder named it in 2008 when everything was called I something. Italki. Yeah, we teach every language online. You teach some shitty English. No, we teach every language online you teach some shitty english no we teach every language I don't actually teach I just do like HR stuff online what if they could

if they hadn't gone to their class they just go to regular class they'd be speaking the king's english and then italki over here fucked them up and that's what we make fun of them. Roosie Roo, okay? Actually, my name is super hard for them to pronounce

because they're like Rolosa. Mine's Ralph. I mean, Lord Jesus. Try that one. Ralph. Rolosaki. Funny. It just all goes down to faggot.

Joan, did you do comedy in Japan? Yeah, I just did two shows. I did a show in Tokyo and in Osaka. And then I was in Bangkok before that for the Stand Up Siam comedy competition. And then before that, Shanghai Comedy Club for a year. Surprise, Red Band didn't do a Bangkok joke there at any point. Yeah, guys, Bangkok jokes. surprise red band didn't do a bangkok joke there at any point yeah there's

guys bangkok jokes it's not worth my time I literally can't think of anything to say I'm sitting here my brain is empty right now I'm not saying that to be insulting I'm literally sitting here

like say something I can't think of a fucking thing to empty right now. What? I'm not saying that to be insulting. I'm literally sitting here like, say something. I can't think of a fucking thing to say right now. It seemed like it was very acted out, like you were acting or you had a script. And when you performed it, it felt more like acting than it did stage. Red band, that's called writing. Yeah. There we go. Now I'm in.

We're getting off to a good start. Yeah, there we go. Truth or lies. Even with writing, you can make it come across so it sounds natural, and it didn't seem natural. Do you really have a cat? No, no. I was just cat sitting, so I kind of hate cats. She said that, though.

Your setup is too, to get inclinical about it, your setup is too long for the punch, and you can say a lot more with the spoken word than you can with the written word. And you write out your shit. All right? Take it and write and leave two lines in between it and just take out every unnecessary word. And that joke is great. Cool. Okay?

Don't do the snuggle thing because it makes you sound pathetic. Okay. But I'm going to get on your face. don't do the snuggle thing because it makes you sound pathetic. Okay. But I'm going to, oh, you're asleep. I'm going to get on your face. That's the part of the joke that you thought was Peter's sound dad?

Cat sitting, yeah. It wasn't the face rape while the man's sleeping? No, that's strong. That's a strong woman move right there. No face rape. Joan, if you had to guess

how you cut your arm in Osaka, Japan, how would you guess? I was... What types of people were you drinking with? Well, we tried to do the bicycle thing where like one person, me and another comedian there at Daggers. The bicycle thing? Yeah, the bicycle thing

where I was... An Asian guy? No, he's British. He runs the comedy club there in Osaka. British? And we were doing like the stranger things way to ride a bike where the girl stands on the pegs on the back and like he bikes it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I

think I fell off many times. Oh, you think you fell off many times. Yeah. It was just really difficult. Like it was, I don't know how they do that. They were just all cruising around like two, three, four people on a bicycle and I'm just like. Oh, in Asia? Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's what they do. A lot of people over there. Yeah, just like tons of people. How long were you over there for? I lived I've lived in Asia for two years. I lived in China for two years. And I'm doing just visiting. I know I just moved to America today.

Oh, welcome. Yeah. So I feel like I'm so excited because I used to listen to this show on my metro commute. You used to listen to this from Japan? No, in Shanghai. In Shanghai. I just like, this was my metro commute all the time.

Oh, that's so cool. Listening to this show. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. And now I'm here. That's awesome. She deserves a round of applause for this because that's like true hunger for comedy

when you fly from fucking Asia to America and you still go out and do an open mic that night. That's commitment. That's great. You got pulled out of the bucket. That is going to make you a success. Jump. Jump. Best of luck. Thanks for calling me.

That's what's going to make you a success. That's fucking outlast them all. Work harder you. That's fucking outlast them all. Work harder than everybody else and fucking outlast them all. You'll fucking kill. That's great. And you already have luck on your side. You got pulled out of the bucket first tonight. Thanks for pulling me out of the bucket.

Congratulations. Joan LaRosa, everybody. Thanks, guys. She's on Twitter at Joan LaRosa. Not to be confused with Joe LaRosa. Can I plug my... Yeah, plug it right now. I'm sorry to plug, but my...

Your amazing Comedy Central special that airs tomorrow and available on the internet? It already aired, but it comes out on the internet tomorrow for download. You let me down. On the internet. Tomorrow. Tomorrow for download. Tonight at midnight, actually. Yeah.

I hope you enjoy it. It was filmed in a cemetery. It's fucking cool, man. Thank you. Oh, thank you. That's the first time you ever said something nice to me. You let me down. You let me down. You let me down. Comedycentral.com. Everybody else's fault but my own. You know, it's also available 24-7 streaming on Netflix. My one-hour special,

One Shot. Well, I mean, I don't ever really plug that, I mean, I don't ever really plug that. Because everybody's seen it already. Listen to Pat Reagan's album Bad Chad. Yeah. And watch Rose Battle on Comedy Central and check out the

tons of amazing things. I just noticed his watch. He has the perfect watch. It's total Josh Martin right there. That just noticed his watch. He has the perfect watch. Oh, my God. It's total Josh Martin right there. That fucking blew my mind. I feel like, I don't know anything about Jones, though, except that she likes force-feeding porn.

And that shouldn't be a thing, the only thing that's interesting about her. It shouldn't be. Like, Jones, there's got to be something else about you. I mean, that's a real big one. She's all over the world. Like, all over the world. Yeah, but then she's talking about being like a cat

and it's just like, I mean, yeah, you like to cuddle. Everyone likes to cuddle. But you like force-feeding porn? Lead with that! That is an opener. That is a fucking...

Yeah, that's where you go Then we know where we're going, Joan, you know what I mean? Okay, next time. Yeah. That's where you go, baby. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

60 Seconds, Suddenly Interrupted goes to Darren Davis. Yeah! Yeah! I grew up in L.A., and I kept getting my accomplishments overshadowed by one man, and that was Kobe Bryant. He was real great. He made two numbers great, 8 and 24.

My birthday happens to be August 24th, and this year, L.A. decided to make my birthday Kobe Bryant Day. I couldn't even get a text back from my mama. She kept on saying, Happy Kobe Day, all on the internet, but I couldn't get a happy birthday. You know, but I like being in LA, getting the tacos, the best. Go to Tito's Tacos, then I go to Venice Beach, play some basketball. I want to shoot some shots, so I give my tacos to my homie, say, yo, just hold my tacos real quick, and y'all won't believe who get in front of us. Chris Tucker walk on the basketball courts. My homie want to act like a groupie, like, oh, Tucker!

Yo, you the man! And he drops my tacos on the Venice Beach courts, and I'm like, wait, homie, Chris Tucker's funny, but he ain't dropping nigga tacos on the ground funny. And that's my time. That's all I got. There you go. Darren Davis. Exactly 60 seconds. For real. For real on that one.

He ain't dropping my tacos on the ground funny. Fucked up. Big fan of Darren Davis. That was funny. That was hilarious. That was good, man. You chop a little time off the top and get into that Kobe thing faster, but the jokes were really funny, man.

Yeah. I thought you were going to say, like, yeah, so, you know, because nobody's texting me happy birthday. I just went to Colorado and I led you away Rape the Woman, like something like that. But you didn't go there, and I'm proud of you. You didn't go there. I thought it was going to be a Kobe rape joke, and I was, like, I was kind of disappointed. But I was, like, no, it's just smart writing.

Good job, Darren. A lot of people don't know Darren came up starting stand-up comedy in a prison and would always make all the guys at the prison laugh and was in prison for years and then got out and came here. Is this true? That's right, right Darren? Yeah, I was in Pelican Bay for a little bit. What? What'd you do?

Slap Kobe. I was gonna say assault. I was gonna say assault. I have a felonious bunch of friends and so I'm saying assault. Just a little fun fact, by the way. I was saying all that, and I was expecting him to say no, and I was going to get a big laugh off of it.

It just so happened to be that I was right. Oh, you didn't know that? I did not know that. I agree. I'm also – I'm also – I was all set up for a joke so that when he said no, I was just going to – Oh, I just assumed that.

He's very funny. And I think we should get off asking you what you did because you just going like this quietly is telling me you don't really want to talk about it. Yeah. So it's your business. But congrats, dude. You're a funny fucking dude. Yeah. Hard situations make you funny.

Yeah, man. Hey, ain't no comedian made from silk. We're all cut from tater cloth. It means all of us had shit going crazy in our lives, and that's why make you funny. Yeah, man. Hey, ain't no comedian made from silk. We're all cut from tater cloth. It means all of us had shit going crazy in our lives, and that's why we're funny. And, dude, welcome to the party. You're really fucking funny. Thank you, man. I really appreciate that.

Thank you. I can't believe that. I guess that you were in prison as a comedian. That's fucking hilarious. I love this. Did you know that? No. You were in prison? No, I didn't know that. No, it's not true. Thank you. Thank you. I love this. Did you know that? No, you're really in prison? No, I didn't know that.

No, it's not true. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, it's not true? No. No. God damn it. It's breaking my fucking head.

Good Lord. Shit. Little known fact about Darren. That's fucked up, man. My heart went out to you. I don't put my heart out to people like that. Yeah. Guys get an improv and acting. Fuck, you're tripped up, man. I heart went out to you. I don't put my heart out to people like that. Yeah. Guys get an improv and acting.

Fuck, you're tripped up, man. I was like, people can't change. There is hope in these turbulent times. I'm not the guy that let you down. What do you do for work, Darren? Available online or download later on. Yes, just start tonight. Hey, what do you do, Darren?

Do you work for the Trump administration? Nah. You fucking liar. No, I don't. I work for my school now. I do mand Darren? Do you work for the Trump administration? You fucking liar! No, I don't. I work for my school now. I do man dating. Like, I do research for... Man dating? Yeah. That's what they call it.

Yeah. Folks! I don't think you're saying that right. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think there's supposed to be a space between man and dating. I know, like... You're man dating. They, um... You have to say it quicker, bro. Yeah, no, I'm trying. Sounds like you're dating a bunch of dudes No, not at all

Also busy starring in the film Moonlight Yes Topical I like that one That's how it worked He said mandating, right? Yes, I did Oh my god

What, is this too smart for this crowd, you peasants? You chubbies? That was a great joke. Listen up, you tarts. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. He's got your shoes on, too. I love that the impression of you is an Andy Dick impression.

It's really funny. He's doing Andy Dick. That's true. Son of a bitch. There's a really piling on tonight. Oh, man. If somebody brings up my divorce and not seeing my kids, it's a great night, man. Trust me.

That's all we got left. This is so fucking... I am really impressed's a great night, man. Trust me. That's all we got left. This is so fucking, I am really impressed. Really good jokes, man. Thank you. Where are you originally from? I was born in New Orleans, but I was raised in the Valley.

Wow. That's real different than Pelican Bay. Yeah. No, that's, that's, like Pelican Bay would be like,

ooh, vacation. Right, right. New Orleans, wait, what are you talking about? New Orleans. No, that's, like Pelican Bay would be like, ooh, vacation. Right, right. New Orleans, yee. Wait, what are you talking about? New Orleans is stabby. No, the valley. Yeah. Oh, yeah, the valley, too, is stabby as fuck.

Stabby? Yeah, the weather's always partly stabby. The valley? In California? Yeah. Well, where I get my weed, okay, it's a little stabby, okay? Stabby? Stabby? With a B? A little stabby, okay? Stabby?

With a B? A little stabby, yeah. Stabby. Yeah, a little, yeah. You know, like, Danny Trejo's from the Valley. Oh, well, then it must be a tough place. The guy that has a taco and donut shop now? Sounds like the land of crooks down there.

He was in jail, though. Huh? Yeah, he was really in jail. No Yeah he was really in jail No he was really in jail Yeah he used to come out To the schools And do like talks To like the students And tell us like

Not to go to jail You still live with your parents? Yeah I do Thanks Danny Trey You kept me out of jail Yeah you did You live with your mom And your dad?

Yes both How old are you again? 26 26 Yeah How's that going? Did they remind you that they don't want you there at all? They're going to move out soon They're going to move out?

You walked your parents? What's hilarious is They're about to be living with him That's how old he is In two more years He don't live with his parents They live with him That's correct.

That's what you gotta start saying. Yeah, you gotta start saying that. Yeah, I think I'm gonna start tonight. So they have a new place and you're taking it over? I don't think so. I think they're gonna like just get rid of this property and then go. My dad's retiring and he's gonna go back to New Orleans.

Back to New Orleans. Yeah. Is your mom going with him? Yeah. But you're gonna stay in that place. Is Danny Trejo coming? No, he's going to go back to New Orleans. Back to New Orleans. Yeah. Is your mom going with him? Yeah. But you're going to stay in that place. Is Danny Trejo coming? No, he's not. Good question. Okie dokie. That's all the time we have for Darren. Next name in the bucket.

You're out of control. But he's right. There he goes. Darren Davis. Darren, nice work. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. I feel like all I know about Darren is that he likes force-feeding porn.

I feel like I should know more about Darren right now. Wow. Josh. We know this guy. This is the first guy I ever met here at the Comedy Store. He literally said tonight, and I made a point to tell him it's a fucking bucket. He complained because he hasn't gotten up in

so long. He made a point to literally complain to me about it. And there he goes. He just got randomly pulled out of the bucket. Here he is, Eddie Whitehead Jr. Hello. I'm old. I usually don't tell people how old I am. I usually just give them a phrase.

I might not look like your granddad, but I will fuck your grandma. Real hard. General consensus is grandma likes to take it up the butt. Because you know grandma's freaky. A lot of people think I look like Samuel Jackson. A lot of people think I sound like Samuel Jackson. But if I ask this man what's in his wallet right now. You better run.

I don't need no fucking Capital One cards. I went to a new beach this time last year. I have to do this because we have time. That's it. Thank you for listening. There you go. Eddie Whitehead. Hey, thank you, Tony. Thank you, Tony, very much.

Keep it going for Samuel L. Haxson, everybody. I have called him that before. Tony, I really like being on your show. Okay, thank you. Thank you very much, Eddie. I'm over here, you bastard How are you? Thanks for ironing your jacket

Oh, man, this is my look I'm Indiana Nigga Jones Wow Like Indiana Orlando Jones I was gonna say Or Gary Indiana Jones Great Very good Or Gary Indiana Jones. Great.

Very good. Gary Indiana. It works. It took you 10 years, kid. Good. I thought you were fucking great, man. Hey, man, I was in Port Huron. Oh, jeez, here we go.

I was in Port Huron. You was doing a show, and they had an audition, and I almost made the cut over for you. I'm sorry, buddy. I'm sorry that you didn't. You should have. I know. You was doing a show and they had an audition and I almost made the cut. I'm sorry, buddy. I'm sorry that you didn't. You said it. You were funnier than the guy that did. I was there for that. It was cool. Nice to see you again. Man, really funny, man.

I'm glad you got the fuck out of Port Huron, Michigan. Those are some goofy fucking white people, dude. I'm telling you. There's a black guy in that place The car broke down You think I'm bullshitting Moses You ain't never been

I believe everything you tell me You don't know Here on is cracking up right now And messing up too You play the harmonica Near an intersection that I used to live near I still do. Yeah.

I wake up in the alley every morning. Tomorrow I will wake up in the alley, probably wet. And how long have you been sleeping out on the streets? On the streets, like I said, I travel. So every now and then I go. Well, yeah, we know you don't have a place to stay. So you're constantly traveling. I mean, technically you're literally on the road more than any other comedian I know.

Hey, the first time I seen Moses in San Francisco, he said, what the fuck you doing here? That's the truth, by the way. What the fuck were you doing there? What the fuck? He says, I know you sleep in the streets. How you get here? This is what I do, man. This is what I do. It's kind of cool.

The thing is, if you want to see Tony Hinchcliffe when he was 20 years old and he showed up and he did like this. I said, what do you want to do in life? I want to be a comic. Look at the nature of stand-up by Eddie Wayne Jr. What are you doing? I'm doing a commercial.

What are you doing? I got 100 followers. I've seen the documentary. It is mesmerizing. Thank you. Thank you. Out of control. I don't understand what's happening right now.

Does anything interesting ever happen out there? Like when you're actually asking for change? Anybody ever give you anything weird like through the car window? Diane Keaton. Because he works the stoplights, if you're wondering. Diane Keaton stopped two days ago. Yeah. And she held stopped two days ago. Yeah. And she held this credit card out.

And I said, what's going on here? And she says, it's a credit card. It's a gift card for $20. And I says, ooh. Did you drop your stick? Yeah, that was amazing. Hey, no, my stick came up. Thank you.

Thank you, sir. I didn't know it was a gift card. I don't know what you said on the afterword. Like magic. No, no, but it was Diane Keaton. And she says, I said, oh,, sir. Like magic. No, no, but it was Diane Keaton. She says, I said, oh, I really love your work. And she says, do you really?

Do you really, really? And I said, I really, really. And she's like, oh. And I went, man. And she was 70 years old, but I would have jumped in her car in a minute. I bet you would have. The urge to car jack. For you people out there, don't. This is very naturally to you.

Have you ever used that stick as a weapon? Sexually? No, I mean, well, that also, that's a good one. Which end is it? It's the one with the rubber. Yeah, that's what I thought.

You always use the rubber first. I love you. You're one of my favorite guys on Walking Dead. I love you. You're one of my favorite guys on Walking Dead. I love you. What was the gift card to you? Do you remember? It said Ralph's.

Matter of fact, it was to a multiple chain of grocery stores. It was like, you can go where you want to. Wow. Yeah, it was cool. And she said goodbye. What did you end up on? Ralph's. Ralph's.

And I bought some chicken and some vodka. Wow, chicken and vodka. I'm sure. It's it was cool. And she said goodbye. What did you end up on, Ralph? Ralph. And I bought some chicken and some vodka. Wow, chicken and vodka. I'm sure it's a great diet. I live on a corner, man. I wake up in LA. You didn't have to tell us you bought chicken. We already knew it. Hey, Ralph has good chicken.

That's not me. It's not an advertisement. It's a fact. Oh, Brian. Oh, Brian. Son of a bitch. How many times have I told you to stop playing that racist music? Sound just like it.

I am the voiceover. All right, Eddie. So, I mean, anything else going on? You get laid lately? You ever take a girl back to her place? Oh, man. I got this one box of fish and sea.

It says Maytag on it. Which box is yours? It's the one that says bad motherfucker on it. Nice. DeRosa. DeRosa. Still here.

Still here. Just waiting in the pocket till it comes to me. There's going to be a court order from Samuel Jackson for you to till it comes to me. There's going to be a court order from Samuel Jackson for you to stop doing him doing me. Are you able to get laid?

Yes, I get laid all the time. It's kind of crazy. All the time? Especially when it rains. Is that true? How does that work that way? Because I know... Because you're a cleaner, right? Tell the truth. Jesus Christ. No, I am the truth. You don't... Jesus Christ. No, I am the cleaner.

Okay? Anyway, no, no, no. Focus on the question. No, no, I got access to a high-rise building, and I go into the stairwell. What? Yes. And you know what? This is the truth. The last three times I had sex with a woman I didn't know, we was getting kind of hot.

And every one of them said the same thing. The first one was kind of surprising. The second one was kind of like... And then third one, I knew it was going to happen. What'd they say? These newspapers are itchy. That could have been the second question. Is that a backstage rest? No, we're in a place

where nobody's going to come and they look at me like this and say... All of them say the same thing, exact same words. Are you going to kill me? And I say no and then they have sex with me so I think it's submission. Is that right? Because they do.

I never see them again. When they ask you this question, do you have a knife up to their throat? No, I'm a six foot four, very tall and muscular black man when I'm naked. Do you never see them again? No, I'm a six foot four, very tall, muscular black man when I'm naked. Do you never see them again? No, I never see them. I never see them again.

It's kind of crazy at this point in life. I do want to get married and have children. Alright, Brian. We get it. You're farting a bathtub and watch the bubbles come up. Brian. All right, Eddie.

You've been on this show a ton. We all know you. Thank you very much. Anything else for Eddie, guys? Funny shit, Eddie. Great. Very funny, man. Very funny shit.

Be careful, Eddie. Jesus Christ. Be careful, Eddie. Be careful. Dropping the mic. Eddie Whitehead Jr. He's on Twitter at number one Eddie Whitehead. That's section one on Al Meada.

I feel like all I know about Eddie is that he likes force-feeding porn. I guess that joke's done, alright. Wow, we've seen this guy a bunch on the show as well. Very funny young man. Put your hands together for Dan Nolan. what's happening i uh just flew in from a lesbian wedding and boy are my mom's tired i got that new iphone app that shows you all the sex offenders around you live but it doesn't let you swipe right

or send them winks or anything I'm starting a new band the sound that we're going for is going to be like a cross between Simon and Garfunkel like just those two guys I ordered a Vietnamese prostitute and she showed up at my house three hours early uncle. Like just those two guys. I ordered a Vietnamese prostitute and she showed up at my house three hours early. She wanted to love me wrong time.

I always confuse the words optimist and optometrist. I asked a guy to check on my glasses. He said he thought they were half full. Found out recently that penguins mate for life. I wish somebody had told me that before I fucked all those penguins. They will not leave me alone. Dan Dolan. Coming in.

Laying it down. 60 seconds. Frank Werf. Oh, it's so hard. I'm going to speak with you again. Dan Nolan coming in. Great work. That's a great set, Dan.

Thanks, guys. Do you write for TV? I just got to write for the Rose Pals, my first paid consulting gig on the Great Essentials Rose Pals. By the way, very special show. That's awesome. Somewhere in this room. Where the fuck is he?

Is Coach T here? I saw him. Put your hands together for the great Coach T. Roast Battle. Yeah. The man behind the everything of sound on my favorite show, Roast Battle. That's great. It should be your favorite show, too.

Roast Battle 2 just came out. Comedycentral.com. Hosted, executive produced. Hi be your favorite show, too. Roast Battle 2 just came out. ComedyCentral.com. Hosted. Executive produced. Hi. Literally worked to the grind. I just feel like it's hard for me to talk about this. Like, I know Darren.

I know Eddie. I know Dan. It's like, it's hard for me to even talk because I know their stories. Like, Laura, we could talk about all day, but the rest of these stories, like, you guys are fucking vets, man. Yeah. At open micing. Yeah, I don't know why I'm still here. No, you should write.

I mean, I'm assuming you have aspirations, but should be writing for like late night and stuff like that. Yeah, I don't know what to do. I have no idea how to go about it. You get somebody to send you a packet when they're accepting submissions. I could guarantee you you'll get a job if not on the first try, the second try. I mean, you know how to write tight jokes. Yeah, I got the packet for John Oliver's show, but I was like, I don't want to do that. No, you should write for like something.

Are you fucking shitting me kid I just have no interest I don't know I'd like to write for like Jimmy Cameron Dan hi I'm Ralphie okay I don't mean to be a dick

but if you get the fucking chance to work for John fucking Oliver yeah you fucking suck the guy that told you about

his job's dick and then work your butt off to get that there you go shit he's so spot on I told you about his job. And then work your butt off to get that. Oh, shit. He's so spot on. It's the fucking truth. You're really fucking good, dude.

I mean, I saw the, just because I'm an old fucking comic, I saw the optometrist joke coming. But the other stuff I didn't see coming at all. And for somebody who's quote-unquote new, for me not to see their jokes in 60 seconds coming, pretty fucking impressive, dude. And I'm telling you, you should be writing. And, man, I know guys that used to just get early sets here.

Early sets. And then they fucking, and they had no money. Okay? And they just, they go from doorman to that, and now they're writing, and they've got a fucking house in Beverly Hills. That's no bullshit, dude. You do what you're doing, and these fucking talentless fucks will buy everything you write. You're great.

I agree with Raviie, except I disagree that I don't think you made a bad decision if you don't think you're politically minded. You should write for something that you understand, because you don't want to get a job and then not be able to deliver. I'm not smart enough for that show. It was like, write something about the Australian Parliament. No, you have to write jokes about everything.

What you do is you write jokes about everything. For example, once he's in the room with all the John Oliver jam band, he can contribute that specific. It's like a Trump administration. He doesn't seem like the right hire. It's different. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

It's different if you're brought in as we need a guy that does this and you're a little different. That's where we want to hire you. What you don't want to do is work tirelessly for three weeks to write ten political jokes, and then you get a job. They go, these are great, and then you're at work the first day, and they go, go write ten jokes right now. And then you can't do it. That's not good. That's a bad position

to be in. All my writing gets... I didn't know shit about anything. It's interesting. The jokes are political, but I feel like the punchlines sort of aren't, if that makes sense on shows like that. The setup is eclectic, but I feel like the punchlines sort of aren't, if that makes sense, on shows like that. Yeah, yeah. Like, the setup is eclectic, but it's still a dick joke. Yeah, exactly.

But you don't think he's better. Waka, waka, waka. You don't think he'd be better for, like, a camel or something like that? Fuck yeah. Yeah, that's who I really wanted. Jimmy Kimmel's, like, number one. That's the packet I wanted. Dude, he's the one who's doing a great fucking monologue.

Yeah. I mean, that's the one. That's not out of reach, dude. Bro, that's not out of reach. You go over there and you ask for fucking Sal, and you go, hey, I mean, that's the one. That's not out of reach, dude. Bro, that's not out of reach. You go over there and you ask for fucking Sal and you go, hey, I want to write jokes for free.

I want to come in here and I want to learn how to write a packet. And you know what? Every one of those guys, I know them all, they're all fucking human beings. They're all real people.

They're not these Hollywood fucking assholes. They're real. They'll shake your hand and they'll go, you want to learn? We're not going to pay you a fucking dime

and we treat you like a bitch? Great. Say it just like that. That's exactly what they'll do. Now a bunch of the unfunny people are just going to show up at Jimmy Kimmel tomorrow while Dan sleeps in and celebrate. Write down a bunch of one of those jokes, those one-liners

jokes like that. Ralphie May told me to suck your dick and get to work. I think you like it too much. I think you like this character too much. Like all great Hollywood fairy tales, it starts with a man named Sal. Dan, you've been on the show five, six, seven times, always constantly getting funny. Is there anything interesting going on in your real life, your personal life?

I quit my job. You're just doing fucking comedy now for a while? Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah. I'm not making any money or anything, but yeah. How are you surviving? I'm living on Frank Castillo's couch. Rose Battle Champion Frank Castillo.

Oh, man. That's fucking amazing. Castillo. Congratulations. Congratulations. Hey, at least he's got a couch. That's a good point. When they told Joe Diaz's house, he lived on my couch. That's fucking for real.

Joe Diaz is fucking movie stars, and they towed his fucking house. So if you're sleeping on a couch, you're doing better than a lot of comics. And that should show you how far you can go and where you can be. And that should show you how far you can go and where you can be. Okay? You're fucking two years. Bob or somebody over at fucking Bill Maher will fucking. Yeah, two years, you'll be on an air mattress for sure.

Way past the futon. Way past the futon. Two years, Sal's going to be coming to you. Let me suck your dick. Oh, totally. Thanks. Well, Dan, you absolutely killed killed it let's keep moving on there he goes Dan Nolan

at Dan Nolan Comedy let's see a bunch of the old all stars here this looks like a new name put your hands together for Matt Pinnstein. What's up, guys? It's good to be here. How you feeling tonight? I can tell that I'm not the only single dude. Just check out the gallery.

But I have spent a lot of time on, what's that site? Tinder? Tinder, that's right. It's a lot like buying a car on Craigslist, in case you don't know. You get five photos and a brief description. It's up to you to make contact with the seller. But when you show up, you realize all the photos were taken like five years ago, And they didn't account for the scratches and the dings and the dents in the exterior. Let alone to mention the entire interior mess. There's daddy jokes hanging from the rear view. There's a couple ex-boyfriends in the passenger seat. There's a gluten allergy in the trunk.

That's pretty much it. There you go. I forgot a couple taglines, but there it is. There you go. Matt Pin a couple taglines, but there it is. There you go, Matt Pinstein. Fuck yeah. How long have you been on stand-up, Matt? This is like my

sixth show. Sixth show. Fuck yeah. New Year's resolution. New Year's resolution. I can totally tell. The biggest slap you got was when you skipped like a CD in the very beginning of your set. It felt like it was part of it, and I wanted more. That's how it's going to go. Accidental skipping.

Good to be here. Well, you can tell I'm nervous. What can I say? Then as each second went on, I could hear the fear in your voice growing from getting laughs. You sounded defeated in your voice, which, I mean, is common amongst people who are just starting out. I hear that, yeah. What do you do for work? What fire department do you work at? Exactly.

No, not putting out fires, but I was a volcano god most recently out in Hawaii. I live on the Big Island. Wow. And you want to do comedy? Yeah. Who is telling the truth tonight? No, it's true.

Is that true? Is it true? Yeah I lived on the big island for 8 years And you did what? I was a volcano guy A tour guide for the killer whale volcano I think you said a volcano god That's what I thought you said

No no no guys Volcano humor It's Pele over here G-U-I-D Sorry I shouldn't have yelled I'm gonna have a lot of laughs with this one. What got you in? What's that?

What got you in? Like, what made it be like, I don't want to fucking, I don't want to give people tours of fucking death anymore. I want to fucking come and die on stage now. Because it's like 300 miles of driving and 10 hours of talking. I like that. And, you know, I stuttered through most of it, but I got through. You do have a stutter? That's a thing that you have? I think it's just anxiety

induced, yeah. It's fucking terrifying what you're doing, dude. I've been in the exact position you're in many times. Many, many, many times. You hung out at my volcanoes? Yeah, I'm referring to the volcano guy. Seriously, man, I've been in your position many times. It's fucking terrifying. You're just going to get used... When No, seriously, man. I've been in your position many times. It's fucking terrifying.

So you're just going to get used. When I first started, I used to drink five whiskeys before I went on stage, and I wouldn't be even buzzed. That's how hard my adrenaline was going. I would just be normal. So, like, it just takes time, dude. And the more you get comfortable, the more you'll be able to ease into things. Generally. Go ahead.

I was going to say, and you're Jewish, so you're fine. Truly. You're going to be fine. I just got to keep working at it, man. It's something I want to pursue. Are you generally a nervous guy? Even if I bomb tonight, like, that's not – Trust me.

You'll learn more from bombing than you ever will from fucking killing every show. Guys who kill every show, they get that way because they get a joke that fucking works, and they never fucking do something else. All right? They do the ones that only kill. The guys who got balls, take the shot. You took the fucking shot. And, dude, remember, you fuck with fucking volcanoes.

You fuck with volcanoes. An audience of fucking these mutts don't mean shit. You fuck with nature, bro. Okay? You understand me? This ain't nothing, Jack. That's one of those volcano seals, if you're wondering. Huh?

Ralphie's like giving beautiful words of inspiration just turns and shits on the audience for no reason. Well, this is who he's afraid of. This is who he's afraid of. This is who he's afraid of. A steadicam guy. A guy who's wearing a scarf inside.

Okay? I mean, come on. You know? This beautiful girl. How long have you been in Los Angeles? I came here on Friday, and I have a flight at 1030. I'm going back to Boston to see family. You're going to Boston.

Great scene out there. Boston is a fucking phenomenal scene for comedy. There you go. I'm going to be there two weeks before I... You live there? No, I live in Hawaii. Okay, okay. So I'm going to be there for two weeks.

If you want to do comedy... I think that's probably a good call if this is my pursuit. If you want to do comedy, you go to fucking Boston. All right? Nobody is... There's Augie T. He's the only guy... The only person to make it in the comedy business out of Hawaii is the guy that makes Gabriel

Iglesias' shirts. Oh, shit. Yeah, it's not a very good scene over there. Listen, I'm going to be- It's growing, though. There's some good comics in Hawaii. I'm going to be in Boston at Laughs this month. So look it up.

Come down and hang out. All right? Yeah, I'd love that, man. That would be really cool. Just come down and hang out. Tell them you're there with me. Give them my name, whatever. Seriously, just hang around.

Buy a ticket. Buy a ticket. Buy your friends. No, no, no. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. This is what... Look, dude, I was a white dude from the suburbs.

I started in an all-black room, all right? You're talking about fucking nerves. What got me comfortable was going down and hanging around at the club and just being around. Just being in the environment of a comedy club. It's like, you have to

just do that. Come hang out with me when you're there. Word. Yeah, that sounds great. Just hanging out with comics. Just get you used to it. Show there's not been any big deal. In a minute, it feels rushed. You got rushed, but don't worry about it. Take a breath. And you're also god-awful. You have to work on that as well.

Other than all the news stuff and the nervous stuff. You also, you know... But it's six-time god-awful. Six-time is not god-awful. It's just awful. It's personality and everything. This isn't easy. It's not built for everyone. Do you record your sets?

That's a shitty thing to say. Oh, shut up. I highly recommend recording your sets. Pump them up. Not only that, check out rubmaps.com. Do you get nervous other times in life, too? No, I'm pretty good. Do you get nervous on dates and shit? You single?

Yeah. I mean, that's why I'm on the Tinder app, for sure. How has the Tinder app worked for you at all? My legs fell asleep today. That makes three of us, right? What does that mean? I mean, that's how we opened the show. You said your legs were asleep, Tony.

Colbeck. I don't know. Too much. Too much. As I said, God awful. Take it from me, the number one host of the number one live podcast in the world, Keltoni. That's why.

Hey, hey. Do me a favor. What's up? If you want to learn more about comedy, I recommend every comic. I spent an hour, I spent like two hours talking here one time. You Google my name, Ralphie May, Comedy Store, and Stand Up Boot Camp, and it'll tell you everything that you want to know about comedy. Word.

I mean, it's really, I've never, all those dumb books, Judy Carter, that's a fucking scam. You have a boot camp, Ralphie? I did it for, they wanted to pay me and I bought lunch

for all the people there. I'm not going to take money from other comics for fucking helping them out when I tell them jokes for right there. There you go. You know what,

can I say, can I say something that's bugging me right now? Every time Ralphie says an inspirational thing, you clap. Nobody clapped when I invited him into my green room in Boston. That is my space before the show. That is my sanctum, and I invited this man into it. Let's just say Joe vs. the Volcano didn't need a sequel. That's really good. It's a really good one, me.

I have to look to find out which snidey-cunty remark was made by who. Matt Pinstein. The Pinsteins, huh? Is there a big family you have Yeah I'm the oldest of four My brother's here Really Oh

What do you do I mean what does he do He uh He actually got me this coat today He runs an online clothing company Wow he got you that coat Well he got He runs an online clothing company

Called Moose Limited Oh Wow there you go You gotta plug in I bet he ain't got no fat guy shit Does he Fuck you I don't know it depends Moose Limited Wow, there you go. You got to plug in your brother. I bet he ain't got no fat guy shit, does he? I don't know.

Fuck you. I don't know. It depends. Moose Limited. The largest fucking deer. He can dress a moose, man. You can't fucking put a fat guy shirt together, you dicks. What size is that? It's large.

Can I get that? Fuck yeah. I just got it today. Let me get that. All right. This is a modern stick up, dude. Don't take his shit. What the fuck is wrong with you? I said that. All right. This is a modern stick-up, dude. Don't take his shit. What the fuck is wrong with him?

I said no shit, man. This is all I got. This is all I got right now. First of all, first of all, don't give it to the black guy. If you want to trade me that hoodie, I'll do it. I would, but it's H&M. I can't fuck with that. Oh.

That doesn't make any sense. Yeah. They don't like black folks, H&M? No, it's just like they probably want me back in after this, so I got to keep this. Yeah, I mean, you want to hang on to that $3.75 fucking hoodie that you bought at H&M. God damn it! I know! Why can't I land a fucking joke tonight?

Are you kidding me? Because you had a special on Saturday that they should check out. H&M is really cheap, everybody. It's not. It's like 10 bucks. Everyone can tell that you want it too much, Joe. Oh! Tony's killing, by the way. You see? Everybody. Everyone can tell that you want it too much, Joe. Tony's killing, by the way.

It's hard to see where the cunty remarks are coming from. I know, it is. It is. It's like tennis in here. You're right. I'm agreeing with you. Thank you. Take it from me, Writers Guild. I'll say this, Matt.

That was great improv because you actually went with it. You didn't blow him up. You were like, yeah, I'll give you my fucking coat. Shut up, Brian. Come on. God damn it. You're trying to steal the kid's jacket. Yes.

Stop trying to act like you were doing a fucking Robin Williams exercise with him. All right. You're right. I tried to rob you, Matt. Matt, what's the craziest thing? You ever gotten arrested? Yeah, just on a DUI like years ago. Driving in Hawaii?

No, I was back at college. UMass? Oh, fuck yeah. Zoomass. You got to graduate. You got to get a DUI if you want to get your diploma. Pretty much, yeah. Yeah, it's like price of admission.

It's drinking everywhere. I never really got an answer out of you. Have you gone on a Tinder date yet? Yeah, I've been on a few times. There you go. This is audio from one of yet? Yeah, I've been on a few times. There you go. This is audio from one of them. Yeah, I don't know, man. It's like the girls out there seem like they're into it kind of rough.

Have you noticed this? Girls that you're with? That's why Brian's playing a fly sound effect. Let's dig, man. Tell us more. What's rough about the girls that you've dated? I don't know. What's the've dated? I don't know. What's the first thing? I don't know. You guys are into the UFC, right? Ooh, new bit.

I mean, like, this is a totally redefined idea of, like, rear naked choke. The place where I go ringside with Joe Rogan. Yeah. Yeah, you love that shit. You see me in the audience going, oh my god, yes, it's me. I am here.

It's true. If you look right above the mat, right where the fence starts, you can see this. Only for the best fights. What about the UFC? I don't know, man. Some of the dating out there,

it's like ground and pound. It's very similar to that. You went a long way to get there. Wow. Holy shit. Have you ever been married? Never very news Matt doesn't know how to tell a joke oh stop it stop it this is tough he's in a fucking tough spot right now I feel you man it's cool it's all right it's fine I'll build them up a little bit like if they don't, fucking tear me down, man This is a good learning experience

I'm not hovering over his shoulder He's not gonna stutter It's alright, man, I've crushed before This is a lot of pressure It's being tough up here Here's the truth, is that when you come to LA Or to New York And you see the cream of the crop

You realize there's really not that much difference You just gotta work hard And time and experience You'll do it, you'll be fine, man If you wanna do it, you realize there's really not that much difference. You just got to work hard and time and experience. You'll do it. You'll be fine, man. If you want to do it, you can do it. Everybody's going to clap for Ralphie again. Everybody clap. Everybody fucking clap for Ralphie. I'm sorry.

Don't clap for me, folks. I don't have my Comedy Central special going to be available online at midnight tonight like Mr. Jodorowsky does. I did not at midnight tonight. Like Mr. Jodorowsky does. I did not let you down. Breaking news. Jodorowsky's desperation is potent. Wow.

Tony's a lord. You son of a bitch, Red Band. I'm going to chew your ass off outside for doing that to me. This is my show. How dare you come after me with a wah-wah sound effect, you son of a bitch. When have I ever said that? This is Tony.

Shoot out Brian before. This is Tony Hinchcliffe's internal monologue. Oh! Well, in that case, you're pretty much spot on. Wow. Matt Penstein. Matt, you ever string, you ever string a floss along your butthole and divide your poops into two?

Good question. Legit question. Legit question. The answer now? Rhetorical question. There you go. All right, Matt. Well, nice to meet you, man. Hey, thanks. You guys too. Thanks for the advice, guys. Right on. There you go. All right, Matt. Well, you know, nice to meet you, man.

Hey, thanks. You guys too. Thanks for the advice, guys. Right on. Thank you. Go get them, Matt. And imagine being on stage alone. It's going to be less nerve-wracking

than what you just went through. I think we just helped a little boy with his stutter here tonight. That's my theory. You want your stutter fixed? Come on down. Josh. Josh.

Josh, that's way too low. That's okay. Josh, I'm having trouble fixing the mic stand. Can you maybe fix it? I'm a god. Money is nothing to me. Wow. That is a really. Money is nothing to me. Wow. That is a really good impression.

That's amazing. Of someone nobody here knows. Yeah. Well, the listeners know. I know, right? So I pulled another name out of the bucket, and this is another Kill Tony. There he is.

Totally clips of the Josh. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This is an absolute kill Tony legend. You know him. You love him. Put your hands together for Tam Pham, everybody. Hey, 2016 was bad, but 1994 was a lot worse. That was the year when Congress passed what is called the Margaret Cho Law,

which requires that all Asian comics do an impression of their parents. I still haven't done an impression of my parents yet. I still need a lot more practice following black people around liquor stores. around liquor stores. My parents don't work at a liquor store. They're just very rude.

I shouldn't call my dad rude. Abusive is a better word. I haven't talked to him in years, but when he dies, my family still wants me to help pay for his cremation. Honestly, I would rather cremate him myself to save money, but it's illegal to burn garbage. Wow.

Nailing it. Tam fam. You speak such perfect English and then at one part there, right towards the very end, you said my fam-ery once. Just barely hit it. One of our favorite things about Tam fam, guys, is that

sometimes he can talk. Anyway. I don't even know how to describe it without ruining it. No, but you get it. Tam Fam, how's life? Life? Oh, okie dokie. That wouldn't be right there.

That was crazy. That wouldn't be there. That would be after the big laugh happens. That wouldn't be right there. That was crazy. That wouldn't be there. That would be after the big thing, after the big laugh happens. That's when that would happen. Well, could you cut off that sound effect, it really annoyed me.

It doesn't make sense. Man, can I just talk, I was really fucking impressed. Those jokes were really fucking funny. You've been impressed with everyone tonight, Ralphie. Not everybody. Not everybody mocked Tony.

Not everybody. My name is Tam Fam. If you are reading my whips correctly. That was funny. Yeah. This is one of our favorite things. Anytime Tam Fam's on, he has the ability to channel Jeremiah something, reverse something. It's that silly and stupid.

So, Tam Fam, what have you been up to recently that's different than all the other times you've been on the show? Well, I have been getting it in a lot lately You know, sometime twice a day Sometime four times a week But you know This has been the shortest dry spell I ever had Wow, you are a Sheen Tam fan You always hook up with just Asian girls?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no I also like Oriental girls Jeremiah Watkins Jeremiah Walkins Jeremiah Motherfucking Walkins Wow Okay real Tam fam In real life Anything Tam fam in real life. Anything crazy happening in real life? Anything different?

You're still just grinding every night, performing every night, killing. Everything's good? Sure. You sing? There you go. Some of that celebratory Japanese music. Yeah, you know, same old, same old.

Don't really have much of a life. You're a nice guy, and you got a nice face. When you do that garbage joke at the end or burning garbage or whatever, it's fucking make it sweeter like

it's $500 fine for littering. Don't fucking go and then I burn them. You know what I mean? It creeped me out a little bit. They can't laugh if they're breathing in. I think I disagree with you on this one, Ralphie.

Wow, geez, Tim Pham. I can't believe you're disagreeing with a legend. What are your thoughts? Well, I am speaking from my life. And me saying that my father is human garbage comes from a true deep, dark place. So therefore, speaking the truth, and we all know, truth is comedy. Wow, tamp him. It sounds like you have some real issues with your father.

What did he do to you? I know, right? What did he do to you when you were a little boy? What did your dad do to you? What did he do to you when you were a little boy? What did your dad do to you? He decided to have me, conceive me, inside my mother. He raised me for years.

He raised you inside of your mother. This is very creepy. To keep you warm? It almost sounds like you're improvising this answer on the spot. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stay with me, Tony Hinchcliffe. No, no, no, no, no, no. Stay with me, Tony Hinchcliffe. My English is sometime bad.

What I meant to say is, my father raised me outside of the womb. And he told me, you will never be funny. You will never be comedian. And I say, I'll show you that. I'll show you that I'll show you God it's amazingly incredibly dumb and amazing okay just another piece of advice fucking spent

some time writing jokes goddamn y'all are. If y'all put any of this on stage, holy shit. It's fucking funny as balls. Do you do this? Does he do this all the fucking time? The two of them? Put your chairs on stage. The two of them? That way it's on stage. You mean the two of them, right?

Yeah. I totally agree with you. I think it's the I've said it many times. I've never seen 27 years of comedy. I've never seen 27 years of comedy. I've never seen that. This is probably the most mellow version. Can we do it backwards? Can you do Jeremiah once? That's a really good question. I bet Jeremiah can't keep up.

Tam Pham, why don't you sit down over there and switch spots with Jeremiah. You're in it now, Tam Pham, why don't you sit down over there and switch spots with Jeremiah. You're in it now, Tam Pham. You're in the war zone like a true Vietnamese little boy. So, Jeremiah, you've been killing it lately.

Killed Tony, the goddamn comedy jam, roast battles, the wave. What's next on the platter for Jeremiah, a guy who's part of so many things? What are you looking forward to next? I just... Well... You have to try to sound white.

Yeah. You can say anything. You can say anything. Jeremiah, did somebody hit you in the head with an aluminum bat today? Jeremiah, why don't you explain to me your favorite kind of porn? Missionary. Wow.

Jesus. That could not have been any creepier. He's blown it, dude, on stage. That heavy breathing that happened right before he said missionary. I feel like Tam Tam's head was just about to explode there. Jeremiah, is it just straight missionary?

Do you like black, white? There has to be more than just missionary. As long as there's love. Wow. What's the craziest thing you've ever put your penis inside of, Jeremiah? An extremely sane woman. Wow. All right, There you go.

Jeremiah. Just remember, it was Brian's idea to make them switch everybody. Jeremiah, do that funny Tony Hinchcliffe impression you do. Oh. Yeah, you know.

What the fuck? Yeah! There's no way Tam Fam can compete with what I write. Wow. there's no way a tan fan can compete with what I write Wow I'm gonna get a voice transplant tomorrow all right there you go there goes a tan fan chair All right. Do we have an update on Allie? Allie is in New York City. She's coming back at some point soon. But we're going to go to the bucket one more time. But before we do, we have one more Versi triplet left.

If you remember correctly, we split the Versi triplets up into independent sets for the first time. A group of triplets that normally goes on stage together. After giving them multiple spots, we decided why don't we try an experiment where they go up alone and each one tries a minute. This is the third installment.

What's the first name on this one? Sean. Sean is the funnier one. Well, we're going to find out. Put your hands together for this third installment of the Versi Triplets Separate. This is Sean Versi, everybody. The great Versi experiment.

I play rugby on the weekends. I started playing in college. A classmate came up to me and said, hey, you look athletic and too small for any other sport. You want to play? And I said, sure. Anything I need to know? He said, yeah.

After we pound each other for 80 minutes, we take the other team out, we go for drinks and sing songs. Rugby is like a gay karaoke team. It's like a tackle glee club the winner gets to sing to village people but there were some cool things about rugby I got cauliflower ear

it's delicious it goes great with my broccoli neck that's all I got, thanks Tony Tony It goes great with my broccoli neck. That's all I got. Thanks. Tony. Tony. Moses thought it was so great. He's about to pee the urinal.

Moses, can I come? Tony, the only way that could be any worse is if there was two more of them. Yes. Wars of truth. It's about time a joke hit Joe Nice job I know I know man I know I'm not in it tonight

Neither am I What's crazy is that you've had an extra Two weeks of preparation But I think the first one did the best. He did. He's the brainchild, and you two mooch off of him. Kind of like you do your parents. Alright, Brian, relax.

Brian's like, own up to it! He hates these triplets. I don't know if he got molested by triplets when he was a kid or something. Ever since they first came on the show, he's just over here. Fuck these motherfuckers. I fucking hate these fucking triplets.

Not true. Do you feel very out of your comfort zone without having the two other brothers up here? It's definitely a change for me. Yeah, I mean, clearly. Where do you normally stand with the other two? Are you in the middle? I'm the middle child.

Really? Yeah. And I stand in the middle. But the other guy should be in the middle, right? Well, no. You're the middle child. I feel like you should be in the middle during your on-set thing. Yeah, I do. I stand in the middle. You really can't use that as an excuse because you stood next to me the whole time you were up here. I mean, it's kind of like a triplet.

Both my brothers combined. Way fucking funnier, though. Way fucking funnier. That's true. Way fucking funnier. Apples don't fall far. All right, the best of those three. Shut the fuck up.

Is this your first time doing it on your own? Huh? Is this your first time ever doing it on your own? Alone, this is probably my fifth time. But you and your two brothers have been performing about a year together. About a year continuously. And recently we saw you guys released

a Crest commercial that you tripped Colgate. Colgate. Colgate. Wow, and it was hilarious. You guys were like meatheads even when you were like... Eight years old? Yeah. Very impressive. Thank you. Did you see that, Jeremiah? Yeah, so it was terrifying.

Anyway. All right, well... Terrifying with a toothpaste? What do you think sets you apart from your brothers, your identical DNA? I'd say a lot more reserved than them. Alex is pretty outspoken, and Mitchell's more artsy and wants to be an individual. But, like, so, other than reserved, anything else?

Any other ways you would describe yourself as separate from? No, we're pretty similar. I mean, I'm sorry. Yeah, I know. Mitchell's laughing back there. Tell chicks. There's chicks in here. My dick tastes better. Okay? But I haven't Mitchell's laughing back there. Tell chicks. There's chicks in here. My dick tastes better.

But I haven't tasted it. Fuck it. Oh, my God. Oh, Brian's playing the Colgate commercial. The Russian version. I like the American version more. That's the Russian version. Why was it German?

Oh, it was Russian. Sorry, there's... They had to kill Tony. Yeah. Now, I mean, here's the thing. This is the positive thing I want to say, is there's nothing wrong with... If the three of you vibe and that's how it works,

there's no rule saying you have to be good separately. You know what I mean? No, no, no, no. I don't mean that to be shitty. I'm saying, like, if that's what works for? No, no, no. I don't mean that to be shitty. I'm saying if that's what works for you the best, then great. You don't have to pursue a solo thing. Did you learn anything

tonight from doing it on your own? We get up a lot more, obviously. I think we're going to allot a solo day each week for all of us just to step back and do it. I think that's healthy just to get away. Stop fucking being team brother.

Okay? Fucking stop it. Okay? Because one of you is not going to have enough talent to fucking carry it. Then you're going to drag the other two down. Then you're all quick comedy. You fucking make money on commercials. You go down to that place in Brentwood and you fucking audition your ass off.

Alright? If you want to fucking do this, I want to tell you, I've never heard of fucking triplets comedy. That's number one. Number two, get fucking funny separately and then bring it together because I've seen it fall apart way too many fucking times. There you go, the horse of truth. Like Ralphie said, don't let the weakest one weigh you down.

So you quit, let your brothers do it, and it's going to be perfect. There he goes. Good work, man. Sorry, Sean Bursey. All right, one quick turbo minute, and we're done with this motherfucking thing. Kayla Rosenberg.

Be free. I can't keep up the route. I can't keep up the attitude, but I ain't from Compton. I can't keep fucked around. I'm buffed around. I can't be held down. I just...

Hi. Hey, you ever get assaulted so much you start to wonder if you're on some hilarious Japanese prank show? I just hope we're getting good ratings at this point. Because it feels like overkill. Because they all look the same, you know. Not Japanese people, rapists.

Come on, they all have the same eyes. I got catcalled the other day. It was a good one. He called me Cum Raggedy Ann. It was a good one. But I can't imagine a time where I walk away from a catcall like a better person. Like, oh, I needed to hear that. But maybe that's on me.

And I haven't taken it on the right way, you know? Because it's usually something like, dad ass. But what if I was just like, you know what? You're right. This ass. And who knows? Maybe I could leave this town and get an education and Papa was wrong.

This ass is going to be a chef. Okay, that's what I'm thinking. Kayla Rosenberg. Very funny. Can I just say something? When you say dad-ass, it sounds like you're saying dad-ass. Dad-ass? Yeah.

Well, I mean... Dad. Dad. Are you? I mean, I take after my dad. Are you saying dad-ass or are you saying dad-ass? Your dad's got a pretty good ass, man. I guess it's like a...

You have a freckled vagina. Wow, geez. Brian, you couldn like a... You have a freckled vagina. Wow, jeez. Brian, you couldn't even hold back there for a moment. Only slightly more aggressive than usual. You do have an interesting look. I didn't know they made spinner brains. That's my boy, Brian Redman. Oh, there you go.

All right. Cancel that out. I thought you were funny. I like your style. Thanks. Nice work. Thanks. Yeah.

Sometimes you just got to say a nice thing. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Thanks a lot. There you go. Are you just saying that because she looks like you if you let yourself go? Nothing?

Wow. Okie dokie. I got to say. No, she's in much better shape than I am. Yeah. Come on, man. Yeah. But we do kind of look alike. You've changed. It's kind of weird. Yeah. You've changed. I know. I have say. No, she's in much better shape than I am. Yeah, come on, man. Yeah. But we do kind of look alike.

You've changed. It's kind of weird, yeah. You've changed. I know, I have changed. You've let me down. I've let you. I thought that you were going to go more towards, like, liking the cat calls or, like, compliment me on something I really worked hard on.

Okay. Like, if they're ass and you're mad because you saw Michelle Obama fucking arms is what you're trying to get. I don't know. Maybe there's a misdirection. Kayla Rosenberg. There she goes. I didn't know. There's a motherfucker.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm going to be a dick. There's no way for me to tell you. There she goes. Kayla Rosenberg. She's very funny. We're about to take a picture all together. Ryan J. Ebel.

Look what he drew, everybody. While you sat there on your lazy asses he drew tonight's episode awesome that's awesome Joe DeRosa's new special is out now on Comedy Central.com

tomorrow night if you're watching the live stream it's out but if you're listening to the podcast it's out yeah

and my album my album and special hit the internet for download tomorrow iTunes all that stuff Brian Moses is the host of Roast Battle, ladies and gentlemen, which is available at ComedyCentral.com,

the coolest live show in the world. Every single Tuesday at midnight at the Comedy Store. Hey, if any of you guys go to Vegas, I've got a residency at Harris. Please come see the show. Yes. All right, I'll make you laugh. It's in Vegas, 2017.

Jeremiah Watkins, go ahead. Reach out to my best friend. Jeremiah Watkins. Go ahead. Reach out to my best friend Jeremiah Watkins at Jeremiah's Stand Up on social media and go to Stand Up on the Spot February 21st with Joe Rogan, Eric Andre, Neil Brennan, Jeremiah Watkins, and more. There you go. Pat Reagan has a new album

out. That's called Bad Chat. Bad Chat. That's right. That's available on SoundCloud, iTunes, a bunch of crazy shit. Mostly Sorry is Joel Jimenez on Twitter. Follow him on social media. Amazing, amazing, amazing job tonight, Josh.

Josh Martin Comics on Twitter. There you go, live audience. Thank you so much. Have a good night. See you. Breathe. You have been under his cover to protect his brother's life. Shuck him. For he is the harbinger of death. time now i'm back with a brand new sick rhyme so blackjack time and tempo revolution ain't never been simple following the path of my life and all just build your brain and we'll soon make progress

paid your dues don't snooze or lose they came with the master plan it got you so know who's opposed to the dominant dark skin food for thought is a law for the brother man Bye. you you