KILL TONY - KILL TONY #197

Episode Date: February 21, 2017

Bryan Callen, Brendan Schaub, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 02/13/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Don't forget to go to DeathSquad.tv for everything Kill Tony. You can find all the episodes there.

You can find video portions by clicking on Videos. And you can find ways to subscribe. Just click on the Subscribe button there, and that will take you to iTunes. Or just open up the iTunes Store and search for Kill Tony and hit Subscribe. Or you can subscribe to Death Squad on iTunes, and there you get all the shows that we record here, including the new Death Squad Chronicles. Or go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates and then you'll see where we're at. Not only do we do Kill Tony Live every Monday at the Comedy Store and it's a free show, but we do a bunch of shows.

This Wednesday, February 22nd, we have the big secret show at the Laugh Factory with Joe Rogan and a bunch of people. And then the following Wednesday, March 1st, we have the secret show at the Comedy Store. And that's going to have Tom Segura and Chris D'Elia and a bunch of Death Squad regulars that you know. So check it out. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for more information. And don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have all his tour dates and his merchandise and everything Golden Pony. So check that out.

And if you haven't checked out Tony's Snoop roast, check out that. It's hilarious. You can find it on YouTube. Just search for Snoop Dogg, Tony Hinchcliffe. You should find it. Pretty easy. RyanJEbelt.com. That's the house artist.

He draws every episode. And then he sells a print of it on his website. So check that out. RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. So check it out. And all the money we get from that goes right into buying new equipment and stuff to make the shows you like better here at Death Squad universe. So check it out. And all the money we get from that goes right into buying new equipment and stuff

to make the shows you like better here at Death Squad. Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hello, everyone. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hensclare.

It's me. Hello. Hi, everybody. Happy Monday to you. Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world streaming live right now. Live audience, make some noise. Let them know that you're really here. It's a real live thing.

More time for Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez, the Kill Tony band, getting warmed up for us. I'm excited about the state of Kill Tony. We're going to the Moon Tower Comedy Festival April 21st. We're going to be there in Austin, Texas, so get tickets for that. We're doing a bunch of stand-up.

I'm doing stand-up everywhere. Portland tomorrow, Calgary. Portland tomorrow? Tomorrow, Valentine's Day. One night only. Catch me in Portland. For those of you listening to the stream in Portland right now that have a date for Valentine's Day as well.

Which would get roasted by on your date. Come get an evil, evil love. Dark love. Dark love. And a bunch of other places. Those dates are TonyHinchcliffe.com. Let's start the show, shall we? Hey, look who's right here in the audience.

Oh my God. Look at that. Thanks for being there, Brian. Ryan J. Ebelts here, the house artist, ladies and gentlemen. He's drawing tonight's episode while you all sit there, spoiled, lucky, happy. He's drawing tonight's episode. You're going to get to see it at the end of the show.

There's the official Kill Tony poster, all those prints of every show that we've ever done since Ryan got here are available at RyanJEbelt.com. The powerful Jamie Vernon is on the HD camera. He's here. Powerful. of every show that we've ever done since Ryan got here are available at ryanjubelt.com. The powerful Jamie Vernon is on the HD camera. He's here, powerful Jamie Vernon with his powerful hoodie that I wore this weekend when I was in Providence, Rhode Island. You guys ready to start the show?

You want to meet tonight's guests, everybody? We're almost at episode 200 of this show, which is also happening here in the main room march 3rd i do believe it is episode 200 of kill tony do you have any ideas who you're gonna who you're gonna it's gonna be huge it's gonna be huge yeah i'm reaching for it you know the first comedy central roast that i ever wrote for six roasts ago you know who who that was? Anybody want to do the math on that? It's your motherfucking president, Donald Trump. Not saying he's going to be here at episode 200, but we're going to try our best. And the way that he treats security regulations, I'm pretty sure we'll be able to get him. He might not even tell the fucking other people in the government that

he's coming here. So let's get into it, shall we? Okie dokie. That wouldn't be where that goes ever. Yep, there you go. 0 for 1 for those of you keeping track on your Kill Tony bingo cards. Brian on sound effects is 0 for 1. You guys ready to meet tonight's guests, huh? 1, 1. Put your hands together. We've been trying to get them forever. They're here at the same time. It's the motherfucking fighter and the kid, Brian Callen and Brendan Schaub. They're here at the same time. It's the motherfucking Fighter and the Kid, Brian Callen and Brendan Schaub. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. Brian Callen, have a seat. Come on in. You're going the wrong way. There they are, live in the flesh. Make some noise for the Fighter and the kid, ladies and gentlemen. It's Brian Callen and Brendan Schaub. I'm wearing a collar on my sweater, which you don't see in L.A.,

so you're fucking welcome for being fashion forward. Samurai! Long-time listener, first-time caller. Look at that thing, barely holding on over there. Hey, man. Here, we brought some duct tape for you to, I don't know why that's there. To wrap my gerbil in.

This is the cross-pollination. We're so happy to have you here because you guys have one of my favorite podcasts, and you're here. Thank you. Well, you're one of our favorite people. You know this, Tony. I do. It makes me feel so safe when you tell me that, Brendan. Thanks, man. I think of that when I'm scared right before I fall asleep. Brendan said it's going to be okay. It makes me feel so safe when you tell me that, Brendan. Thanks, man. I think of that when I'm scared right before I fall asleep.

Brendan said it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. We just won number one podcast by the International Podcasting Experts Association of America. Oh, we won number one live podcast, live streaming on a Monday at the Comedy Store. We're double featured in next month's... Breaking news. The International Podcast Award winners and nominees

are being released right now by the people that were nominated and won those awards. We swept them. We were the Adele and Beyonce of the International Podcast Awards. But you should have won. We feel guilty.

We have a band here on our number one live podcast, and you're about to meet them right now. Let's see how loud this place can get for the Kill Tony band, everybody. Here they are. Always a different intro every week. You never know what they're going to do. Sometimes they've been dressed as Pokemon.

It's been Hillary and Trump. It's been Red Band and Hinchcliffe. Oh. Oh. Whoa. Oh. Amazing. No tuba, huh?

No tuba? Okay. Oh, there's some... I need more cowbell, gentlemen. Philosophy? What am I missing here? Just a normal bass player? What's up with that guy?

We are but simple thespians, Tony Hinchcliffe. That Burberry scarf begs to differ. Yeah. When you have orgies and a band plays, you always have the band wearing either mask or their blindfold. That'd be great. Thespians this week, huh? What a drop-off from Red Band, Hinchcliffe, and Josh Martin

to just a couple... One other's fall is another's rise, Tony. A little more effort, though, huh? I guess so. Although I'm not mad at his turtleneck at all. Yeah, what do you do with that, Joel, when you're not dressed up as a character? Drink water, if you love that question.

Off to a roaring start. Let me ask you thespians a question. You got a new bass player here? Oh, yes. That's our friend Chris Dillon. Yes. Wow. Look at that. You didn't tell him you guys were going to dress as Thingamajiggers?

We did not clue him in. Okay. It'll be fun to play with you guys tonight. It sure will. The old wacky thespians I found it fitting you know UFC themed

guests I think we can all agree as an actor myself that UFC fighters are actors as well because they have to act like whirling around with sweaty men is not gay. Oh, Jesus.

Really? Really? Really? No. Nobody liked it, Jeremiah. Sit your ass back down. Your hair is so Kurt Cobain. Yeah. And subversive at the same time. Thank you.

He spends a long time on it too. He curls up the edges specifically with a curling iron but then we get a UFC guest on and he calls him gay. Jeremiah, put the mic back in the mic stand. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Let's do it. You son of a bitch.

Jeremiah is a firecracker. He just takes shots at people. We have a bucket full of comedians. Over 40-some comedians signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of the bucket. You get pulled out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds of stage time. Sometimes we're meeting the person for the first time. Sometimes we know the people. Anything can happen.

Did you say stage, Tony? Yep. Oh, okay. Sometimes it's one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Sometimes it's a complete insane person. Either way, they get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear

the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Yep, good. You guys ready to start the show or what? Here we fucking go. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Tommy O'Neal. Come on up here, Tommy.

Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! How we doing, guys? The, uh, yeah, what's up?

The Super Bowl just happened, which means only one horrific fact for me as a sports fan. Baseball's coming back, which terrifies me because the last time I watched a full game of baseball, it almost ruined my life. I tried to enjoy it. I'm a sports fan. I got a flat screen TV. I got weed. Let's do this shit. You know what I mean? I sat down. I got comfortable. Turned the game on. Rolled a joint. Sparked it. Smoked it. Ate a sandwich. Took a nap. Woke up. Took a shower. Got out. Read Lord of the Rings.

Then watched Lord of the Rings. Turned the game back on. Third inning. I was like, what the fuck? And I was bored, right? Like any good American would be. So I called my girlfriend over. She came over. She's a good girl. We made sweet, passionate, beautiful love. I'm not afraid to say that. She cried afterwards.

I held her. It was nice, yeah. But she got pregnant. What? We had to get married, move to Michigan, start a family practice. I went through law school, graduated. Couldn't work with her parents, so my father-in-law's an asshole. So we fought, got divorced. I got to pay child support and alimony now.

Real talk. Moved back to L.A., turned the game back on. Bottom of the eighth. I was like, what the fuck? Thanks, guys. Yeah, that's it. Fuck yeah. Tommy O'Neal.

Hell yeah. The Jesse Pinkman of comedy. Look at this guy. You guys are freaking me out, man. Fuck. Love it. You're like the King Joffrey of Bakersfield. It's amazing.

It means a lot coming from you. Thanks. How long have you been in California? Literally two months. Two months. From Michigan? Wow. Orlando, Florida.

Orlando, Florida? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long have you been in that cultural hotbed? How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years now. That's funny, man. Thanks, bro. I appreciate it.

Coming from you, that fucking means a lot. Thanks. Yeah, it was great. I liked it. Yeah, one more time for Bro Burnham, everybody. I appreciate it. Coming from you, that fucking means a lot. Thanks. Yeah, it was great. I liked it. Yeah, one more time for Bro Burnham, everybody. Bro Burnham. Bro Burnham. Very good, Fespi.

I'm starting to like you. Those fucking tights are hilarious. Jesus Christ. Tommy, stick over here. How you doing, buddy? Sorry, buddy. Sorry, Tony. Sorry.

High as fuck. What do. Tommy, stick over here. Sorry, buddy. Sorry, Tony. Sorry. High as fuck. What do you do for work? Comedy. I also do Radio Collins and shit like that, but stand-up is what I do. You do stand-up for a living after five years? Not a whole bunch, but yeah. You've been in L.A. for two months? Two months now, yeah. Making a living off of it?

I travel. I get out of the city to make money. Wow. That's the only way. Bonkers and funny business and stuff like that. Some comedy zones. How soon into starting in Orlando did you start getting... Two years. I did a spot at the Orlando Improv, and a headliner picked me up there,

and we just started going on the road, and it developed me quick. A guy named James Yon, he's a Florida native guy, and just took me on the road all over the nation just doing shit shows everywhere, bowling alleys, fucking abortion clinics, whatever they let us do. Did an abortion clinic? No, I'm fucking around.

It was a joke, Tony. They laughed. You got it. No, I'm fucking around. It was a joke, Tony. They left. You got it. No, I mean, I know that. Yeah. How's that? It's a good song. Whoops.

Dude, you're tripping me out right now, dude. It's so... Wow. I love you guys. All right. Jeez. Thanks a lot, guys. Really gave me a chance to respond there.

Fuck, man. Bunch of hateful little fucks in the audience tonight, huh? Rooting for the little underdog over here, huh? Writing your own little reality show, huh? Pieces of goddamn shit. Alright, Tommy. I just find it

hard to understand how you make a living doing that. I worked at a real estate office a whole bunch. I saved a fuck ton of money. By fuck ton, he means a million dollars. Not a million dollars. Less than $10,000.

That's enough to get me by right now. I got a good chick. She has a great job out here so that helps out a lot. Not a whole bunch of pressure. You got a sugar mama. A sugar mama a little bit, yeah. You've been her in the last two months?

No. We've been together for two years. We just got engaged. It's my fucking baby. Second applause break! I wouldn't count that first one against me as an actual applause break. I know.

Wow, he took a shot. It's more like that. He didn't make the half-court shot for the bonus money. We don't want him to kill himself. I would call that one a low blow burner. Oh, boy. How cool is that?

Shit. So you're getting engaged. Yeah. No, we got engaged already. What does she do? She represents... Like a cost of food. yeah now we got engaged already what does she do she represents I don't know like a cost of food she like slings milk products

and shit like that to schools like colleges and shit like that hospitals she'll go and like sell them mass amounts of products

boom yogurts and stuff like that yeah yeah yogurts are good for you yeah they're processed but they're good for you how often do you eat

yogurts tubes as long as they're you know as long as they're sourced from goats that eat grass. My yogurt tubes got to be sourced from goats that eat grass. And they have to be treated humanely. Humanely. And they have to be hand-milked in a grass field

by a Christian. By a fucking Christian. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm not saying... No Jew goats? No, I'm not. Jew goats? Holy shit.

Jewish goats. For me, it was off-Broadway. That's right. I was once friends with a Jewish goat. I went to his bar mitzvah. Jewish goat jokes. There you go. That's for all you hacky fucks

that plotted in him earlier, you pieces of shit. Don't you ever forget who the boss is. Tommy, that was very funny. Awesome stuff. Good minute. Very fast. I love it. Sorry, I was trying to get through it.

But it worked. You got nice skin. You got shiny skin. Thanks. Wow, fuck. I would pay a lot of money to watch you dance in a corner. Thanks. You're older. Hell yeah. A little light touching. Get your rent paid on fucking time. Go. Fuck. Thanks.

Hell yeah. Goat yogurt. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. I got some goat yogurt. We can make this shit happen, man. Fuck yeah. My eyes go dead and I just fucking start groping. I'm straight. You know what I mean?

It's fun. Fuck yeah. Yeah, pay me in fucking tubes and yogurt tubes. Goat tubes. My fucking gut flora is real healthy. Well, Tommy, look what you started. Yeah, right. It's my bad. So much fun. Great stuff. There he goes. Tommy O'Neill. Thanks, Tommy, look what you started. Yeah, right? It's my bad.

So much fun. Great stuff. There he goes, Tommy O'Neal. Thanks, man. I'm here first. Tommy's line. He's on Twitter

at Tommy's line. There he goes, Tommy O'Neal. Absolutely. I like the way you play that sax. I'd love to fucking play the sax.

I'd bring it to the beach in a speedo and just fucking hoot it is that what you call it? hoot it? I don't know what the term is for blowing my horn hoot it and toot it I'd have it open in my apartment and if my girl tried to touch it I'd go hey!

nobody touches my horn I always just say that because it just sounds macho as shit I completely agree Jeremiah doesn't let anybody anybody ever he once told me that if people asked

to blow into his saxophone he gets like seriously mad he's like a really nice guy horn players don't fuck around when it comes to their horn yeah

and then I'd be corny I'd go you can't touch that horn but you can touch this one fucking hilarious I pulled another name out of the bucket you guys ready to keep this fucking thing moving I'd be corny. I'd go, you can't touch that horn, but you can touch this one. Fucking hilarious! I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys ready to keep this fucking thing moving? Yeah, this looks like another new name.

Put your hands together for Jacob Moses, everybody. Here we go. Come on, give him a shot. Ooh. Ooh, I don't see a Jacob Moses. He died. Sounds like the kind of guy that Brian would not want to milk his goat. You know what I mean?

That's right. Jewish. Jewish. I pulled another name out of the bucket. How about Jordan Eggleston? Jordan Eggleston. Jordan Eggleston. Ah.

You're scaring him. Jordan. Jordan. Yikes. A lot of people afraid of the thespians well stage isn't for everyone let's see if this one's here how about Jessica Mears everybody this is crazy here she comes.

Jessica Mears. What happened? Oh, there you are. Ooh, it's a lady. Jessica Mears, everybody. Come on. I got made fun of a lot in school by boys growing up, and my mom told me,

Jessica, you know when those boys are picking on you, it's just because they're jealous. I was like, yeah. Why are they jealous? And she said, because they can't grow a mustache yet. But my mom was really there for me. The worst time I ever got made fun of, I went home crying to her because this boy was making fun of me for something that i can't change about myself he said i have a long face my mom said jessica this is what you do you go right back to school

tomorrow morning you march right up to that boy and you tell him yeah i do have a long face. Because my mom's got a tight pussy. And I told him. And I told the teacher, and the guidance counselor, and the principal, and the social worker, and the judge. And then I didn't see my mom for a while. But I feel better about it as an adult looking back on it now. I'm like, I realize if somebody doesn't like you for something that you can't change about yourself, so what? It's their loss. Oh, shit.

There's the bear. All right. That bear came out quick tonight. Jessica, that was fun. Yeah. How long have you been on stand-up? Seven years. Seven years.

Where are you from? Jacksonville, Florida. A lot of Florida tonight. A lot of Floridians. A lot of comedy comes up from the south. I read a book about that. Comedy Exodus. How long have you been in LA?

I actually just got back in LA today. Earlier today. I don't live anywhere. I live in an RV. Ooh, this is interesting. Here we go. Nope, still not. If you need help with your rent, let me know.

Yeah. Brian is dying to shoehorn this Price is Right horn in here tonight. Did somebody say that? Really reaching for it tonight. The RV thing is pretty interesting. How long have you lived in an RV? Since July. July? Yeah. You live by yourself

in there? Yep. What's the address? Fucking destroying it tonight! Yes, man. Why can't I kill it? It just comes. It just comes. Where do you spend most of your time in the RV? Well, it spends most of its time in the shop.

So I have to stay. I've been spending a lot of time sleeping in rental cars or on people's couches. But, like, it's here for the winter, kind of, based here. And then, like, New York in the summer. If I can get it there, you know? So do you just go around the country doing sets? Yeah. My day job, I bartend at major sporting events and music festivals, so I travel doing that.

And they don't pay for expenses, so I thought the RV would help with that. But it turns out it just took all my money. Right. Keep it. Yeah. So that's basically what I'm doing. How big is the RV? It's a 30-footer. Oh, my God. Wow. That's like a fucking tour bus. Yeah. So that's basically what I'm doing. How big is the RV? It's a 30 footer.

Oh my God. That's like a fucking tour bus. Yeah. So you're out. Do you drive it yourself? Yeah. All by myself. And you're out there.

These lady hands. You're out there on the road all by yourself. These lady hands. And it gets about a block a gallon. She's pretty gangster. It gets seven miles to the gallon. God damn it. Yeah.

Do you think it's a smart choice? No. Anyone want to buy an RV? Buy my merch. Now, did you soup it? I'll soup it up for you. Maybe sell that, get a Prius. I think I'm going to downgrade to a van.

That's the dream, really. I could tell you your logic is not very good, and I'm a theater major. Yeah. So you bought it in July and then where have you gone in this RV? First I took it to Chicago and it broke down there. What broke on it there? The car parts.

I don't know. Did you just yell Cabo? Chicago. It's in 1987. I thought somebody was very inefficient at the globe for a second. Motherfucking Cabo? Chicago. It's in 1987. I thought somebody was very inefficient at the globe for a second. Motherfucking Cabo. That is one magical RV.

What broke in Chicago? The spark plug? You don't... Wow. You know that's all about cars and you're out there with a 30-foot RV. This is a nightmare waiting to happen. The Spark something, I think.

You just needed a new Spark plug. You needed a $5 purchase. Spark module, that's the thing. You have a, I think that you, so you came up with this RV, and now you live in an RV. There's a sexy sort of runaway quality to that that I appreciate as a creepy older guy. You want to get under the hood, check it out, Mark?

I got my tools in the back of my Tesla, Tesla, Tesla. Speaking of spark adapters. Dudes are definitely into the RV. I think it's like some sort of bang bus fantasy or something. Have you gotten a lot of guys back on it? I have had a lot of gentlemen

on the RV, but I'm not very promiscuous myself. There you go. There it is. Baby Brian. I haven't done a lot of fucking on it is what I'm saying. Like I've had people over. I entertain guests.

There's not a lot of fucking that goes on inside the RV. It would be a weird pick-up line, wouldn't it? Actually, I haven't. No fucking on it, actually. Oh, man. That makes the RV a lot less cool. Is that because of the quality of the men in LA or is it because you feel it would be not that reliable?

I'm a choosy lady. Really? So choosy that you bought a broken 30 foot RV? That's right. I'm like really picky. While she's dumping this big thing of shit out of it into the sewer.

Turn the whole RV thing into a big poop joke, didn't you, over there? Do you have one of those big things you have to empty out? Do you slap on it? A poop bowl? Yeah, it has one of those. I don't know how to use it yet,

so I just haven't... Oh, you haven't been potty trained. Filled to the rim. She doesn't know how to use the toilet, everybody. I'm real picky. This RV turned into a nightmare. No fucking or shitting? I don't know how to work the fucking shit so like I just park it on the

street. I don't hook it up to anything. I don't pee in it. I don't shower in it. I go to Planet Fitness. It's like 20 bucks a month. They're all over the place and I shower at Planet Fitness. What's parking like for an RV at Planet Fitness? They don't really have that there. I made my own parking pass Backup alarm is the funniest thing

Well you were funny Thanks Enjoy what your mother said about you having a long face Indeed your face is long So long I mistook it for an Edward Albee play That's a fucking great joke right there That's a great joke I mistook it for an Edward Albee play. That's a fucking great joke right there. That's a great joke.

And that is my boy, Batty Reagan. Thank you. Thank you so much. Wow. I don't think you have a very long face. I don't either. I think you're good, and I think you're funny. It's really amazing to me. You saved that RV, though. All right. either. I think you're good, and I think you're funny. It's really amazing to me. Be safe in that RV, though.

All right. Definitely funny. Definitely a couple good jokes in there. Everything you said was funny. The setup's a little bit, you know, whatever, a little bit chunky, but you hit your points. But let's get back to this RV thing because it's interesting. It's a very special thing. So I just don't have a lot of 30 foot RV girls on this show ever

and I'm a little excited to delve in you're really set apart from the group here do you have a pet that lives with you? no, I had this crazy idea to buy a duck once wow this RV is freaking me out I made a bad decision because I shit all over the place

she's a little weird it lasted a couple hours I set it free in a park man, I didn't know because they shit all over the place. She's a little weird. It lasted a couple hours. I set it free in a park. Man, I didn't know they clip poultry ducks' wings. So I thought I was saving it from this meat shop. No. Are you a vegan?

And I think it's probably dead in a pond in New York. So we can have that duck living in our room. It couldn't find the water. I got really paranoid about bird flu. I was like, I gotta get rid of this duck. A duck? So what'd you do with it? I searched on Google Maps and I found a...

I found a duck. Can anybody guess Who doesn't have a duck on his soundboard So you bought this duck Oh fuck It's a poultry duck. Yeah, like I wanted to save it. And I was like, maybe it will be my friend. Because I always had a dream of a duck being my friend.

A dream of a duck. No, it's printing on you. You're going to have no problem getting married on that 80s RV with a duck. Yeah, yeah. I'm not trying to get married. That's not my goal in life. Did you take the duck? Wait, not all women want to be married.

Yeah. Actually, I'm divorced. So it's like I already. Do you have any donkey? Wait, not all women want to be married? Yeah. Actually, I'm divorced, so it's like I already got over that. Do you have any weaponry on board in case you deal with an intruder?

Yeah, I have a box cutter. Nice. Like a terrorist. I like it here like this. Yeah. Box cutter's good. You hide it like this and you go,

don't, I'm just a damsel. Then you unzip the bunker. Yeah. I think I'm going to get a gun though. That's probably a better. You think you're going to get a what? yeah i think i'm gonna get a gun though that's probably a better you think you're gonna get a what i think i'm gonna get a gun yeah you should get a 30 you should get a 30 foot gun yeah how far did this duck make it back to your rv how what did the duck make it to the rv how long did you have the duck in the rv for

like a couple hours and then i was like man i'm freaking out i because i walked through like chinatown with it or something and all these asian people were scared of me and i was like you were picking out which duck you wanted were you all like duck duck i was like man whichever one you can grab out of there they have like 20 of them in a cage you walk the duck through chinatown yeah and they all the people were scared of me, and I was like, why am I the weird one in New York City right now? Is this weird what I'm doing?

Did your first marriage end pretty bad? Is that why you're living in an RV? Is he still alive? Down by the river. That marriage ended like seven years ago, so I've rebuilt myself and fallen apart since then. Why that marriage end? Like a true comedian.

He was just real shitty. He was? He was cheating on me since before we married. Did he ever try to hit you? Is that why you wanted a duck? Motherfuckers. Don't you ever, ever forget. He never hit me, but I'd accidentally get hurt a lot.

Like, around him. Around him. Super sad. He was kind of jinxy. It's like a weird term. Yeah, it did. He forced you to be clumsy. When you divorced him, did he have to go to the other side of the RV?

He's probably excited to get rid of the RV. This guy sounds like a real Luzabego, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, he was. Luzabago, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, he was. Luzabago. So how much longer are you in L.A. for? What's your next move? I'm here for like three weeks consistently,

but then I'm going to Florida for a bit and then to Texas for a bit, and then I'll be back. And you're planning on taking this RV? No, it needs repairs right now, so I'm probably going to fly and get rental cars. I know a great RV guy. Texas for a bit and then I'll be back. And you're planning on taking this RV? No, it needs repairs right now. So I'm probably going to fly and get rental cars. I know a great RV guy. Yeah.

It's got some brake issues and the shocks and springs need to be worked on. I love it. Well, Jessica, interesting as fuck. Great set. Nice to meet you. Well done, Jessica. Well done, sister. Best wishes for you and your RV. I want your RV to have a Twitter account, too.

I want to follow up on this. Jessica's on Twitter at TheJessieMarie. J-E-S-S-I-E-M-A-R-I-E. You can follow her. All right, all right, okay. He's really into it for a second. If she ever needed a shower, also, no cameras. I have a shower.

Oh, you're talking to the RV girl? Yeah. Red Band, you can take that creeper attitude back into the woods. creeper attitude back into the woods. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Looks like another new name. Let's meet Jesse Woolmart. Yeah, Jesse Woolmart!

Yes! What's up? America's awkward, man. I've been living in America, and it's been awkward for me before Trump. Like, I'll give you an example. Like, I was at a bar, and I offered a girl a drink, and I was like, Miss, let me get you a drink. And no question, she was like, sorry, I don't date Arabs.

Mm-hmm. I'm Puerto Rican. But, like, I know my face says otherwise, you know, like I know I got like prey on rug face, you know? Yeah, I get it. I know I look like a casual terrorist. It's all right. Like I'm on chapter six of how to join ISIS for dummies. I get it. I always try to tell people I'm Hispanic, but they never believe me. And it's like, the only way I can prove it, and if you're Hispanic, you can understand this,

is everybody in the Hispanic household always has a two-syllable nickname. It's always two syllables, right? So like my aunt, her name was Toti. I don't know what the fuck that means. Right? My brother was Chacho, short for muchacho. You know, that means little boy. My brother was Chacho. Short for muchacho. That means little boy.

My sister was Nena. And everybody in my family called me Faggot. There you go, Jesse Woolmart. How long have you been doing stand-up, Jesse? Three years now. I'm from New York, from the Bronx.

In the city. Manhattan. I feel like we look similar. A little bit. You guys look like a before and after. Where are you from, man? I'm from Denver. Fair enough. You look like a before and after of a product that works wonders. Walmart.

Is Walmart really your last name? So this is the thing about my last name And this goes more to just how ambiguous I am I guess I don't know where the fuck Walmart comes from to be honest Walmart Yeah it's apparently German And there's nothing really German about me Did you say German?

No I didn't Did you say German? German No that's not that That's like African That's not that race I would like to see your papers please German? Yeah. No, I didn't. Did you say German? No, that's not that race. I would like to see your papers, please. Yeah, I mean, like, the only German thing I've ever done, use an oven. Oh, Jesus.

Jesse, come on. I know, I know. I just figured I'll sneak another joke in because I'm a hacky. No, that wasn't a joke. Don't say that was a joke. I'm sorry. That joke got me fired, by the way. From what? Restaurant.

Comedy. From Walmart. From what? Restaurant. Comedy. From Walmart. From Walmart. What restaurant were you working at? I worked at Del Frisco's. It's like a steakhouse or some shit. Where do you work now? Nowhere at the moment.

Wow. Yeah. You know, a girl with an RV. This should link up, huh? Somewhere to live. How long have you been unemployed for? It's been a few months now. I got a flight out here.

I'm leaving tomorrow. Where are you going? Back to New York. The Bronx. Yeah, the Bronx. Back home. How long have you been out here? For a week now.

Anything fun happen in your week here? Did you experience anything that you weren't expecting? This. Other than this? Other than this. I had ramen. You had ramen? Wow.

That's tough to find in New York. Honestly, I've just been the worst thing that happened to me, and I can tell you that. Yeah, sure. Anything interesting. Let's get it sad in here. Anything other than ramen, really. This is disgusting, but I feel like a criminal because I'm staying with my cousin and he has a niece, but he...

This is the most Puerto Rican start of a story I've ever heard. I'm not even going to go into it. No, you are. Anyway, I got caught masturbating in my niece's bathroom. There you go. By who? By my cousin.

The Mexican guys just ate that up. They put their hands up like they were on a roller coaster. He's cool. He's a really cool guy. He was like, if you bring a girl over, just change the sheets because I'm sleeping on a Barbie bed. Yeah, and you fucking put her down. But no, I didn't even bring anybody back. You were sleeping on a Barbie bed?

Yeah, I'm still sleeping on a Barbie bed. Jacking off. You were masturbating? Well, no, not mean, I didn't even bring anybody back. I just. You were sleeping on a Barbie bed? Yeah, I'm still sleeping on a Barbie bed. Jacking off. You were masturbating? Well, no, not in the bed. Were you facing the Barbie side while masturbating? No. Yeah, maybe. I don't know.

What is this that you're? The Itsy Bitsy Spider. All right. It's so creepy. Were there any, like, toys going off or anything like that? No, thank God. What did he do when he walked in? He was just like, dude, close the door.

And that was it. Wait, the door was open? Why would you do that? I got caught masturbating in the lobby of a major hotel. They totally busted me. You believe that? You believe that? That's what I call poor to Skeeton.

I need a casual audience. I felt bad. He didn't catch you masturbating. You let him see you masturbate. That's so creepy. He's a claustrophobic pervert. It's you jacking off in front of your family.

They didn't catch you. I don't even leave the door open when I masturbate in my own apartment by myself. It's so weird. It just feels weird. I don't want any ghosts seeing me or anything like that.

Did you not think anybody was in the house? Well, the thing is, no one was home. But he came in, I guess, to tell me that he was leaving or he was probably in his room already. And you left the door open To tell him you were coming Well there's two doors Yeah Did he sneak

Did he tiptoe Does he tiptoe around his house So this is There's two doors There's a door to the bedroom And then a door It's the bathroom Inside of a bedroom

So By the time I heard The first door open It was too late You were already like Give give me another day. I tried to turn around, but you can't really hide the fact that it matters. Is that why you're going back to New York tonight? Yes.

Yes, it is. Best week, worst week. What was your masturbation setup? What did you have going on? Were you naked, underwear on the knees, laying down? Stand up, Charmin's Ultra. That's it. You were, wait, Charmin's Ultra? I just had up Sharman's Ultra that's it you were

wait Sharman's Ultra Sharman's Ultra multiple plies yeah that means he's gonna catch his fucking load for you liberals out there

right cause he's a man and he shoots heavy arcs of fucking glory I was just afraid that like somebody might touch it.

You're standing next to the bed. No, I'm in the bathroom. It's in the bedroom. You're facing the mirror, the sink, the shower. You were looking at yourself, right? I was looking at myself. You were looking at yourself. That's the second most Puerto Rican thing

I've ever heard. Did he hear something? That's Mexican, bro. Did he hear something? That's Mexican, bro. Did he hear something? Was he like, somebody's doing push-ups? Yeah. So what I did is, so there's like two lights. There's a light for the light, and then there's a light for the air conditioner

sound, so it covers the sound of me masturbating. It also covers the sound of your cousin walking into the bedroom. Oh, he's never going to hear me masturbating with this on. I'll leave the door open, though. Let me turn the air conditioner on and leave this door open. They'll never catch me.

Might as well have just fucking been jerking off with an air horn. Nothing going on here. I can't come unless I hear the sweet sound of an... Yeah, that motherfucking party started. You're facing yourself in the mirror. You said Charmin Ultraply? Yeah.

Do you roll the Charmin up or do you have it still on? Do you already have it taken off? It's pre-rolled. I know it's already on a roll. You took some off to be able to... what you predicted, to be able to hold the load that you weren't going to inevitably shoot. Yes, sir.

Did you have lotion? Were you using baby lotion? No, I came straight out of the shower, so I was good like that. Straight out of the shower. I'm straight out of the shower. Why would you do it in the shower? Because I felt awful doing it in the shower. It's my niece's shower. Yeah, but that's the cleanest place.

He's Puerto Rican, Brian. They don't do anything clean. Oh, I'm in the sanitary masturbating business. Tony, you made fun of my gay joke at the beginning of the podcast, yet we've been interviewing this man for seven minutes about how he jerks off. Again, when I find something

interesting about someone, I mean, we found out that he left a fucking door open from my questions, by the way. Yes, 14 minutes ago we found that out, yes. Son of a bitch. Six minutes ago. Did you fold the paper?

Did the toilet paper, did you fold it in half, my good man? Yes, I did. Wow, what a Mercutio. So when he saw you, you're mid-stroke. What does he say? What do you say? I mean, he was just basically just like,

Come on, man. Just close the door. I guess he was cool with me. Just close the door? He was like, no, just be more mysterious about it. What was the face you were making? No, no, no. He didn't say that.

Put on this mask. Keep doing what you're doing. Put on this mask and I'll totally walk out of the room. Could you please slowly demonstrate beat for beat how you did it with your hand? I think the audience would like to know. Alright, Jesse.

That is definitely the most interesting thing that happened to you this week. Getting caught masturbating from your cousin. How old is the niece? Six. I didn't ask that question for a reason. There you go. Left you with a little parting gift.

Called back all the way to the San Francisco episode. Anything else for Jesse, guys? What's your favorite type of crowd to bomb in front of? Ooh, a little hatred from Pat. Puerto Ricans, I guess. Because they have low self-esteem and low standards anyway. I heard Puerto Rican said next in the crowd. A minute's a hard time to make people laugh,

but you made people laugh. I have a question. What's your favorite type of crowd to bomb in front of? Sounds like the same type of crowd that you love to bomb in front of, Pat. I feel like this is like an ISIS joke that you're trying to...

No? I don't know. I think that is a bit of a stretch. Okay. Don't worry about the actors. No crowd. I don't like to bomb in front of any crowd. Is that fair? That's a Bronx answer right fucking there.

He just bombs in front of his cousin in his six-year-old's bathroom. All right, Jesse, there you go. Thank you, guys. There he goes. Jesse, Walmart, there you go. Thank you, guys. There he goes. Jesse Walmart, everybody. Walmart. Walmart. Walmart.

He's on Twitter at JWolmart. W-O-L-M-A-R-T. Walmart. I want to play music. Get up there. I'd love to fucking play. You can sing? I can sing. I have a beautiful voice. I'd love to fucking play. You can sing? I can sing.

I have a beautiful voice. I'd like to fucking play the tuba. I'm good on the tuba, but I don't. You play a mean tuba. Yeah, but it's hard to fit in my Tesla, Tesla, Tesla. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This will be interesting to see if this is a real human. I'm excited to see what happens here.

Put your hands together for Hostile Takeover. Ah, yeah. Yeah. I didn't, yeah. Yeah. I didn't think so. Oh. Yeah, here he comes. Hostile Takeover. Yo, what up?

Man, I'm in an interracial relationship and shit and i i'm finding out shit about white people i didn't know like christmas just passed like a couple months ago white people really do read the night before christmas the night before fucking christmas i thought that shit was an urban myth like pop rocks and soda and you know you get the there's just differences between white people black people not better worse just different like white girls suck the fuck out of a dick black girls do too they just ain't a payoff in that motherfucker white girls would be like shoot it here here here it's like protein black girls, don't treat the shit like protein. They treat it like acid.

They be like, oh baby, I'm about to, uh, nigga. Oh shit, is that a mini yet or what? I don't know, fuck. It was 48 seconds. It was 48 seconds, but the band started playing so I guess you're safe. Right, right. Get the fuck out of a dick. Some girl was super excited about that.

Right? Where the fuck is she? She's gone now. Whatever. Hostile Takeover. How are you? Welcome to the show. Hey, what's up, man? How you doing? How's it going? Good. Nice to meet you. How long have you been on stand-up? Like six years. Very cool. Where at?

Mostly in the Empire. I'm from san bernardo awesome this white girl you're hooking up with is that your first white girl uh no okay you've been with a few yeah a couple but this white girl that you're with literally read nightmare before christmas or night before christmas on actually i was a white girl before her but you know how many for comedy's sake i had to how many Christmases ago was this? Oh, shit. A lot. Yeah, a lot, a lot. A few. And you think because she read A Night Before Christmas on the night before Christmas that all white people do that?

Well, shit. Because that's one of our biggest kept secrets that we don't want you knowing about. That's the real whitest tradition that we have, that we hold on to. I'm surprised she shared it with you. Right, right. Do you only date white girls? No. Sometimes you go back and forth.

Sometimes you're like, you know what, I want a girl to feel like that. I don't discriminate. I'm black. I date black girls. Fuck it. But currently I'm dating a white girl. It just way fucking worked out. Yeah.

That's good. I had a nightmare before Christmas once. It was when the lead from Oliver Twist dropped out, and we had to use the understudy. Oh, my God. Shit, I'm going to have a nightmare about them fucking leggings. What the fuck do you have on, nigga? Oh, shit.

Calm down, Othello. Rose. Oh, shit. It's a hostile takeover Now hostile Is there a reason why you go by the name of hostile takeover Do you always do that Has that been your stage name for a long time

For the last like four years yeah Then his shirt has a middle finger on it Oh that's cool I love that It's like four years, yeah. Then his shirt has a middle finger on it. I don't know if you saw that, T. Oh, that's cool. That's hostile shit, yeah. I love that. Hey, I got two in the trunk of my car, 20 bucks. I'm playing. Wait, guns?

Wait, what? Oh, the shirts. I just assumed guns because, you know. The hoodie. I'm from San Bernardino. Of course there's a fucking gun in the car. Oh, shit. You're from San Bernardino. I course there's a fucking gun in the car. Oh, shit. You're from San Bernardino.

I'm surprised you have a car, actually. It's stolen, but still. Brian. All right. So, interesting. What do you do for work? Sell drugs. I'm from San Bernardino.

Jesus Christ. I love this. We've had a San Bernardino, a Puerto Rican, and... No, for real, I work at a warehouse. Oh, okay. Men's warehouse? What kind of warehouse is it? I'd rather not say, because it's a big company,

and they might fire a motherfucker if they see this shit. Right, gotcha, that makes sense. Makes sense, that's smart, really. How long have you been with this white woman? This particular one, four years. Four years? Yeah. Wow.

You stay a one-woman man? You guys are... Yeah. Huh. Did you bring her tonight? No, no. She didn't want to come. She said, fuck Tony.

Really? Yeah. That's actually... Fucking white. She didn't want to watch her 48-second performance. That's a long way to drive. Very saucy words. No, for real, it's not a lot of time.

She comes to see, like, she comes to my shows, but, I mean, one minute, it's an hour drive, dude. What does she do for work? She works at a furniture store. Oh, very cool. Yeah. Hell yeah. All right, hostile.

Well, I mean... What's your favorite category of porn? That's a good question. Good question. And is it black or white? Nah. Color doesn't matter. I'm an ass man, so if a porn star has a nice ass good chance I'm gonna watch that shit

is that what you type in the search bar? big booty bitches? I don't know why I added the bitches I didn't say big I said nice motherfucker at least BBW is what they call them yeah I like the BBBWs

BBBW yes we talked about this a few weeks ago right and we mentioned pogs yeah you into pogs? what the fuck is a pog? you ever put a pog in a girl's butt? It's white people currency.

It's a porn that starts with us watching The Night Before Christmas. Oh, okay. No, I ain't into that shit then. How often do you get to perform living out in San Bernardino? Out here, probably like two, maybe three times a month if i'm lucky right that's tough out there right yeah it's just a long drive and a lot of the shows you know they don't pay for shit so it's like if i can get a gas money show i'm good right well since you mentioned it we're not going to give you gas money oh i know right we were giving everybody gas money but now we can't

talk about it anymore it's a long trip to sam that goes especially for the person with the 30 foot rv it's a 700 gas bill man interesting anything else interesting hostile you into you have any special hobbies you like fly airplanes or anything like that yeah Besides taking your fuck over. Yeah. No, honestly, besides that, I'm actually like a really dedicated dad. Like I love hanging out with my daughter. Oh, that's cool. You know, if I'm not doing it. How old is your daughter?

Seven. Wow, just one year older than the person who got their bathroom jerked off into. What would you have done if you walked into your seven-year-old's bathroom and saw that last guy masturbating in it? Oh, he'd have been a dead motherfucker. Yeah, how would you have killed him? I'm from San Bernardino. I got guns. I know.

I know you're from San Bernardino, but I thought I would have gotten a... No, like, for real, like, I live in the hood, so I got, like, guns. You're scaring me, Hostile Takeover. I work at a warehouse and do comedy on the side. You think I got dough? Like I live in a fucked up ass apartment complex. I would love it if the warehouse you worked at was like Bed Bath & Beyond, though. Where did the name Hostile Takeover come from?

It just came from like when I first, after the first couple years I was doing comedy, it seemed like nobody would, like, even let me get any stage time, or I had to, like, go out of my way to get stage time. So I said, fuck it. Instead of trying to fit in, I'm going to take this shit over. Now, Brian, I have a question for you. You're a powerful figure in the comedy world. Have you ever thought about changing your name?

You have so many majestic qualities about you. Maybe get rid of the kid. You're saying if you got rid of the kid? Yeah, if you were going to change... To be honest with you, I was thinking about changing it to Brian Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, I like that. Fucking hell! My stock just went up.

I don't know. I don't know what would be a good, like Brian the Immortal, you know, or Brian the Best, you know, or Brian with that huge dick, or he's got money too, you know what I mean? Trying to figure it out, you know, like where do you go? He's an all-around athlete with a huge dick, and he makes money, and he's on three TV shows. You know what I mean where do you go? He's an all-around athlete with a huge dick, and he makes money, and he's on three TV shows. You know what I mean? There's so many.

So that would be a longer sort of thing. You know, he's 50, but he plays 33 in TV. You know what I mean? So there's that. Yeah, that's what I hear from the media. I don't fucking care, but it's what they say. So there's a lot of that. You know what I mean?

Either one of you guys ever been with a black woman before? Yes, I have. I sure have, Tony. Sure have. Anything stand out to you different? It was hostile. Was she from San Bernardino? Super hostile.

I've had, in college, I went through a real phase. I'm an equal opportunity employer. Callum went dark. I put it down. I put it the fuck down. Brian's immortal. Because I move. I move from my hips. You understand? I got a the fuck down. Brian the Immortal. Because I move. I move from my hips.

You understand? I got a lot of equator in me, if you know what I mean. That's it. I knew it was going to get you. And I'll tell you, not to be too graphic, but when I have sex, I do not use my hand. The hands behind the head. Ooh, the 360 roundabout. I bite my own tongue.

Oh, he bites his own tongue. I had a feeling. I spit in my head for no reason. Spit in your hand and then put it back behind your head again. Rub where my soul is, right in the back of my fucking head. Hey, hostile takeover. I feel like Callum might be a little

light in the ass for a black girl. Is that right? Oh, I don't know. Do you have any tricks that you do in the bedroom hostile takeover? Are there any San Bernardino tricks? Oh, they're not San Bernardino tricks necessarily. I don't think. At least I don't think so. It's not like I stand around watching guys from San Bernardino

fuck or something. But no, I mean I got a few. I guess. Like what's your go-to? Oh, my go-to? Give me all your money. Like that? Yeah.

Oh, Brian. Robbing him at the ATM? No, a handful of hair smack on the ass, you know? Handful of hair smack on the ass. Yeah, standard. The new album from Lil Wayne. You know what works, bro? You know what works?

When the episode ends, just look her in the eye and go, I'll pay your fucking bills. We're going shopping after this, motherfucker. Why are you talking like that? Because I'm from the hood originally. Something about Nadino. I love it. Oh, shit.

Hostel Takeover in the house. Hostel Takeover. It was nice to meet you, man. There he shit. Hostel Takeover in the house. Hostel Takeover. It was nice to meet you, man. There he goes. Hostel Takeover. Fun stuff. He's drinking the big beer. He's got the big beer.

It was a Hostel Takeover. He's on Twitter at H underscore T underscore comedy with a K. That's H underscore T. The back of his sweatshirt says hashtag zero fucks given. Wow. Wait, can I do one thing? It's such good marketing. Can I just do one thing?

Can you just play the sax a sad tune? And I just want to look. You want to move around a little bit? I just want to get up and I just want to wave to somebody I'm never going to see again, a girl. And I'm just going to be on a boat. I just want to do that one thing. Oh, like a sad song? Yeah, I just always want to do this.

Think Titanic. Yeah, and I'm just going to do this. Think Titanic. I'm going to see her. She knows I love her, but she decided to marry another man. Yeah, and it's fucking taken off. I want tears, Cal. Yeah, it's a different... Trying to make her jealous. I was going to make out with my new boyfriend.

No. Oh, but that's what I would tell her. Oh, you're leaving her because you're gay. No, you chose him and I come in and drink your mouth, but you don't want to fucking play. All right, never mind. That was amazing. That guy plays a mean sack All right, never mind. That was amazing. That guy plays a mean set. Yes, he does.

Thanks, guys. Good acting job, right? Here he is together with Troy Conrad, one of the best photographers in Los Angeles, getting special pictures of us tonight. You can see his gallery in the main room when you're leaving the main room. Yeah, those are all Troy Conrad pictures.

He's also the creator of one of my favorite shows, Set List. We have a business together. I'll loosen you up, and then he shoots you, if you know what I mean. Brian is the guy that makes the guy smile. I don't know. I was waving with my tongue. Samurai! What got into this guy?

I love it. You should see me work with a sword. I'm fucking ridiculous. Please don't let him get that sword out. I would never ever touch it unless I wanted to use it. Ever. That's our credo. That's the gitana.

When you do use a sword, Brian, what do you normally use it for? What do you do with it? What types of things? I feel like you, you know. The only time you hear me laugh is when I'm taking a life. That's the only time I use it. Don, the last thing you fucking hear. Not to be a dick, I walk the earth.

I never fuck, but you fuck with me. The last thing you hear. That's it. Brian motherfucking Callan. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Coleman Cox, everybody. Here we go.

No Coleman Cox? Is that him coming? Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. Guys, here we up for Coleman Cox. You have the stage presence of a fucking ghost. There he is. One more time for Coleman Cox, everybody.

I just moved to a new area. It's pretty sweet. There is this bar down my street, and they got a sign out front that says, beer cheaper than gas. Every time I see it, I'm like, well, beer cheaper than gas. Looks like I can finally stop drinking gas after all these years. I'm going to drink I had a really bad set last night. I was trying to tell my girlfriend about it, and she has multiple sclerosis.

And I was like, I had a really bad set last night. And she was like, I'm dying. She just doesn't get it you know all right so like fuck yeah 54 seconds that's good that's good that's so amazing great stuff colman that was so stupid and funny and I love stupid when it's funny. And that was, that's, it's hard to do. The gas thing made me laugh out loud. So funny.

I like that multiples are growing. I'm eight years old. I still get it. Yeah, I ran that by her before I ever told it on stage. I was like, can I, I can say this, right? Yeah, she really has it. Yeah, yeah. It's not funny anymore.

Well, I mean, I broke up with her, but. You broke up with her? Huh? Yeah. Are you with her or no? Yeah, yeah. It's not funny anymore. Well, I mean, I broke up with her, but... You broke up with her? Huh? Yeah. Are you with her or no? Yes, she was dead weight. Is nothing sacred? She is in the hospital, though, but...

She is in the hospital now? What's true and what's not? I'm just trying to get to the bottom of it. Oh, she got the... It's like flu season, and so it's like a big deal when you have multiple sclerosis. I can't tell if you're a bad guy or if this is funny. Some of it, the stuff that makes me a bad person

is a joke. Where are you from? Texas. Houston, Texas. You look like a young British prime minister. Yes, he does. Yes, he does. It's amazing that you're from Texas. Houston, Texas. You look like a young British Prime Minister. Yes, he does. Yes, he does. God damn it. It's amazing that you're from Texas. Or he looks like a giant Tobey Maguire.

Yes, a giant Benedict Cumberbatch. Yes. A huge Hardwick. Chris Hardwick. Do you have a play character to speak as well? Do you have a play character to speak like they're from England? Do I have a character? you ever play characters do you ever play characters that i thought i don't act or anything i pretty much just stay at home and eat rice you take my workshop yeah you have

a workshop yes my accent i don't know anything about what other accents can we learn can i get like a scholarship for being on the show what's that can i get like a scholarship for being on the show or something can you give it what would a For being on the show Yeah let's see what happens Can you give What would a Russian say to A Russian I think a Russian Must be back

You know Russian You say Russian Vodka You are from I am from Russia Yeah All my accents

Just end up blending together So I never really get one You have a You have a lisp Yeah I have a lisp Which is good though It's good for comedy Because you got up

And I started laughing I was like That's a good That's a good thing to have for comedy. I never got rid of it. It used to be really pronounced where I would say TH with lisp, too. So people at school would be like, say 330. I'd be like, 330. And they'd beat me up. Would they beat you up, Coleman?

I used to not be 6'5". It's weird how people would beat you up just for putting your tongue in the wrong place in your mouth when you say words. Fucking kids are ruthless, dude. Kids are brutal, man. I never was like that. I was just too fucking evolved. I'm sure. What do you do for work, Coleman?

I've been fired four times since I moved here, but I finally got a full-time job as a slave office assistant. What's up? Same reason for all the four fires. The first time I worked at a telemarketing company and I got fired, they told us... That's a bad idea, sir. Yeah, they told us that we... They walked into the room and they told everyone in the room that we couldn't use the bathroom anymore because we weren't getting enough leads, which is illegal, right?

So I was like... I decided all I would do was make prank phone calls and put people on the do not call list for two weeks. And then they eventually figured it out. Because I would call people up and I'd be like, hello. And some dude would answer and be like, hello. And I'd go, hi, let me talk to your wife. Wow. And he'd go, why?

And I'd go, none of your business. And they heard that and they were like, that's not in the script. Damn. So that's the first job you were fired from what'd you do after that i was a i was a canvasser for amnesty international which was cool because it's like um it's like amnesty international helps feed people around the world and everything and it's like i was asking for money on the street so it's like a great job if you have a passion for human rights and begging number three? Sounds like the theater.

Don't laugh. No. Coleman, where else did you get fired from? I got fired from, what was the job after Amnesty International? Oh, fuck. Oh, I used to sell mattresses. That was the first job I got fired from. Really?

Yeah. Is that hard to sell mattresses? It seems like anybody in a mattress store. Yeah, it sounds like a cushy job. Oh, there he goes. He's retiring forever after that. There he goes. That's weird when you sell mattresses because people, what kind of questions would people, I love that. You probably would like, is this comfortable?

That's the job that taught me I was a really bad salesman because people would come in and they'd just be like, is this comfortable? It's like, I learned, that's the job that taught me I was a really bad salesman. Because people would come in and they'd just be like, is this a good mattress? Hey, what's your sleep number? Yeah, like. Fuck a pass. Hey, is this a good mattress? And I'd be like, yeah. And they'd be like, all right, I'm not going to buy it.

All right. I feel like if you're looking at mattresses, you're there to buy one. Yeah. I feel like all you could do is fuck it up. I'm really bad. I maintain eye contact for too long, you're there to buy one. Yeah. I feel like all you could do is fuck it up. I'm really bad. I maintain eye contact for too long, you know, and just like sweat. Made it awkward. I had a weird, I don't know.

I bought a mattress. The guy said, I said, well, all matches are the same. And he goes, they're not all the same. They're just not. And he stopped and I went, oh. And he goes, that's why this Rip Van Winkle. Oh, gotcha. Called it a Rip Van Winkle. Really? That's why it's $1, oh. And he goes, that's why this Rip Van Winkle. Oh, gotcha. Called it the Rip Van Winkle.

Really? That's why it's $1,000. And I went, well, that's a lot of money. He goes, yeah, but you spend a lot of your life sleeping, so it's actually very little money if you extrapolate it out through your life. And I was like, it cost me about a cent a day. I bought the fucking mattress. You got the Rip Van Winkle?

I got the Rip Van Winkle. I got the Rip Taylor. That's when you sleep on it. Confetti shoots out of the sides. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? That fucking guy. That's another good joke. For the seven people.

Am I saying that right? Rip Taylor? Rip Taylor. Throwback. I worked with him. Did you? On Mad TV. Original cast member.

It doesn't matter. I remember I did work with Rip Taylor. It was pretty cool. I did work with Rick Taylor. It was pretty cool. I love it. Coleman, how long have you been with multiple sclerosis? That's what he's calling your girlfriend, by the way. How long have you been with the I don't have her name.

The old MS. The Miss. Like a month. Only a month. It was like a month only a month talk about hit it and quit it she's an illustrator and she makes like art she's an illustrator? damn she puts the ill in illustrator

multiple sclerosis everything she draws is blurry this isn't going well how bad does she have it?. How bad does she have it? Like, how bad does she have it? Is it pretty bad? It's like she learned she had it a year ago. So it's like it's not bad.

And then it's like can be really pronounced if she gets the flu or something. Because MS is like your own immune system attacks your nerve cells. And so when you get something like the flu. Do you go visit her in the hospital? No. You don't? Yeah, I do. So you do.

All right. How about we just skip the jokey answers for a second? Because there's things that I could really get into here. You guys ever do anything sexual in the hospital room? No. I've always wondered that. Not personally, but I will sext her in the hospital and stuff. You sext her, but then you get there and you're just

totally like a cock block. You just stare right at her. You send her dick pics? Oh, yeah. Really? You're working with a piece? Does she ever send you pictures? Nah, forget it. You got a dick on you? I almost crossed the line there.

I stopped myself. Back up alarm. Back up. Back up. You've only been with her for a long there. I stopped myself. Back up, alarm. Back up, back up. You've only been with her for a month. Yeah. But you're already telling jokes about her. Yeah. What does she think of this? She thought I was funny.

She's funny. Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have MS, of course. Then you're pretty much fucked. Oh, the cruelty Coleman's loving it Cause I know she's gonna listen to this And that's like She has a good sense of humor

That's great Shout out to her Sounds like you found someone really special You guys are gonna have Fun next few weeks. What does she draw? She makes illustrations for children's books and stuff, and we're working on a kid's book.

She's done other projects and stuff like that, like covers of books and all that shit. Oh, cool. Oh, her name's Monty Ratchford, I guess. Ooh, Monty Ratchford. Monty Ratchford. There you go. If you're into illustrations, they won't be available long, guys.

Get them while they're... They're going to increase in value. That's so fucked up. They're going to shoot up. She's listening to this right now. We don't... I apologize. You don't know when she's going to van go.

So these... They're ruthless. They're fucking ruthless. I apologize. You don't know when she's going to van go. They're ruthless. They're fucking ruthless. Your jokes were great. All right. Well done. Yeah. Yeah, so anyway, I'm going to go.

Do you want to go? Do you want to go? No, this is good. I'll stay for a little bit. I was going to do what God's doing with your girlfriend and leave you here a little bit longer. Oh, come on. Sure. Fuck you. Bray Wyatt liked it.

Your new WWE champion is in the audience. You see Bray Wyatt? Nothing? Alright, fuck yourselves. Put your hands together for Coleman Cox, everybody. Awesome stuff, dude. What's her name again? What's her name? Monty Ratchford is the name for those illustrations if you want to

check them out. He's on Twitter at ColemanTology. ColemanTology. C-O-L-E-M-A-N-T-O-L-O-G-Y. One more time for Coleman Cox, everyone. We're having fun. This is your guys' first time on the show. One of the things that I like to do once in a while when it's somebody's

first time on the show is I always... Now, Brendan, you recently started doing stand-up. You've always been a hilarious personality and you guys have had the podcast for a long time. And Brian, of course, you know, one of the top in the world. I just won Best Comic by the International Federation of Stand-Up Comic. I love that.

Your award just came, didn't it? I'm going to ask you guys a real question. They sent me a virgin. Really? Seven of them. Anyway. Fuck. Is that what you're going to ask? Was there anything that you guys did when you first started doing stand-up

that you can't believe you did? It was like, oh my God, that was so dumb. What a huge mistake. Yes. Like what? This one time I wore tights. Yeah. I did...

I told you this. This is one of my jokes where I was like, this is so embarrassing. What I always like to be a turtle. I think I'll go outside for a walk. Uh-oh, a dog. I don't want to talk about it, but I was to think that I came from that to fucking

and then my career. You gotta start somewhere. Super fucking Nova. No, it's Brian my career. You gotta start somewhere. Super fucking Nova. No, it's Brian's career. Is that a super Nova? No, it's Brian's fucking career. Take it, B.

Anyway, I'm just saying that's what the New York Times says. Is that a super Nova or his fucking career? Look at that dick and his jawline. I hate it. Brendan, you've been doing

stand-up a little while now. You're also doing the Big Brown podcast, this other stuff. Big Brown Breakdown. Big Brown podcast, all this other stuff. Big Brown Breakdown. Big Brown Breakdown. Yes, sir. And he's a fighter.

Yeah, of course. Not anymore. One of my favorite fighters ever. Question is, anything weird, anything go wrong, anything weird? Like, fuck. I had a set at the Laugh Factory and it was all Armenian night. Didn't go well at all.

Didn't get one laugh. Unless your jokes for the Armenians is like, who loves dirty shit? Then they go crazy. They fucking love it. Just like that. See, even white people laugh. Some of my Armenian jokes go both ways.

Oh, my God. Hits the mainstream. There's a big Armenian mafia in this fucking town. Be careful. Yeah, they are. They don't fuck around. You're a pussy. True.

You guys ready to see another comedian? Huh? How about that? All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Justin Glockler. Justin Glockler.

Is Justin here? Here he comes, Justin Glockler. Oh, from the back. Keep clapping. Here he comes. Gentlemen. Very nice to meet you all. What's up, man?

So, how we all doing? Good evening, and go for me. Ha ha ha. Ha ha, yeah. So, the other night I was at this bar. I was talking to this girl. Randomly, she grabs my face and kisses me. And says, you'll never see me again.

And I say, I know. Now, you know the best part about dating homeless chicks? You can just drop them off anywhere. So. You guys ever hit a girl before? I'm talking like, not like, bink, slug mug. Like, 90 mile an hour fastball Bam! Blast the bitch in the face Me neither

Yeah I would never do that shit So honestly I'm not trying to be in a relationship At all right now. Because the last relationship I was in almost killed me. So let me tell you boys and girls about falling in love with cocaine. That shit will break your bank account. It'll break your heart.

It'll break the skin off your penis. heart, it'll break the skin off your penis. Ladies and gentlemen, I think that's probably about a minute, right? We were going to see how long you were going to go for. We wanted to see how long that could last. That was like watching a gif of a train wreck. I actually just got...

Boom! Boom! That's the beauty I love about comedy. I think jokes write themselves. You make me nervous. Well, a couple of your jokes writ themselves like 70 years ago. I got a text from the

International Comedy Federation. Is he out? They said, Bravo, you have a lot of potential. Then they said, psych. That's so fucking mean. That is so mean. You know what?

I feed off of bombing. Well, then you must be absolutely filled to the brim. No need for seconds for you, then you must be absolutely filled to the brim. No need for seconds for you, then, if that's what you're feeding off of. It's time for dessert, my sweet Justin. Oh, my God. You feed off of bombing. You ate it tonight.

That was harder to watch than theater in the park. Do you really believe so? I mean, the crowd kind of speaks for it. No, you have no idea what they were laughing at, Justin. It was amazing because I could tell you were using that momentum. It was incredible. It's the first time. I mean, what's 195 times probably 10 comedians per episode?

That's, I don't know, a few thousand comedians we've had on this show at least. And that's the first time me and Brian both agreed, like, yeah, let's just see how fucking long. First time we've ever gone no cat ever. I would have gone longer, but I only thought I had a minute in my head. Oh, you didn't have a minute in your head. You had, you didn't have, there was not much going on. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've actually been doing it less than a year.

Okay. Do you work doing stand-up? I've actually been doing it less than a year. Okay. Do you work at Medieval Times? No, I actually work for a music composer. And when I'm not selling out comedy clubs across the globe, I'm fucking working at the Cheesecake Factory getting hit on by a bunch of old ladies and gay dudes. Wow. You're waiting tables at a cheesecake factory? Yeah.

How long have you been doing that? Less than a year. Why is everything less than a year? What happened a year ago? You know... I don't know. The answer goes out into the infinite. I can't answer that.

Why can't you answer it? I just can't. I don't know. I just started taking chances, and I just wanted to start doing stand-up. Well, keep doing it. Have you been doing it a lot, though? You said less than a year. Where do you live?

I live in Palms right now. Culver City. You know how it's all one fucking weird unit. So yeah, I live over there. So you told a joke. The thing about cocaine is it'll break your heart, your back, and your dick. And the skin off of your penis. Well, why would it break the skin off your penis?

Because you're having too much sex and you're not having enough sex, so you're jacking off. Duh, you idiot. That's not a joke. Yeah, more toilet paper for you. Nobody's trying to wrap a mummy up here. Get that shit out of here. And you can see all that

and more whenever you re-watch this episode. We got dartboards for that. I love it. Brendan Schaub, a former UFC fighter looking genuinely scared at this moment. He's never been this close to a school shooter before. This is new for everybody. Creepy vibe. I don't know what to tell you, man.

What was your last job before working at the Cheesecake Factory? I have multiple jobs, so I work also for a music composer. He's the composer but that's not really how you're making your money let's face it you're grinding that isn't that isn't i'm grinding i'm just working as much as i can who's the music producer his uh his producer of bones i don't want to just say names yeah i just bones and thug no bones is the fox show oh yeah so you know like there's money out there to be made in Hollywood, you know, that people will never meet. So there's just money out there.

There's that song. Justin, let me ask you another question. Go for it, Tony. You're talking about the skin falling off of your penis. What type of women are you hanging out with? The wrong type of women, Tony. Huge laugh. Like seven-year-olds? I wasn't even going for a laugh.

That's why I closed my eyes. We know you're not going for a laugh, Justin. I went for a moment of pure utter shame in front of all of you. You had a minute and 40 seconds of that earlier. And it's continuing, obviously. So what was the thought process when you said, I'm going to be a stand-up comic?

What was it? Was it that you crack your friends up, or what was it? Were your friends... It's weird. No, honestly, I've always been kind of a performer. I'm a musician as well. So it transcribed into that. Like everything.

I play guitar, drums. You know, I play music. Do you play guitar like you do stand-up, and that's like barely at all? Here, play a song. You're going to play us a song. But I'm super good at it. This is called

How Hard Can One Human Bomb on this show. Next up, we're going to have him shoot some basketballs into a hoop. It's going to be glorious. Anything he says he's even mediocre at, we're going to watch him fail at here tonight. Oh, yeah. Wait, is that him? Wait a second.

We can't hear him. Wait, bass player, you're making him sound good. Stop this. He can play. He can play. Okay, we got that. Guys, play. He can play. Okay. We got that. Guys, can we let him play the guitar for a second?

One, two, three, four. Oh, I've been bombing. I've been bombing. For so long. For so fucking long. I can't keep track of time. Skimba-dum-ba-doom-ba-doom-ba-ba-doom. Something must be wrong.

Skimba-dum-ba-doom-ba-doom-ba-ba-doom. I'm on the bomb squad. Bomb squad. The bomb squad. Bomb squad. Bomb squad. Oh, my God. Bomb squad.

Bomb squad. All right, That's enough. That was like Les Clay Drool. He's kind of nice on the guitar. I love it. That was good. That was good. Oh, yeah, man.

Stick with the guitar. John Mayer of Bomb Town. That was all improv. So, come on. Work with me. I wasn't going to just like, hold on. Let's turn the lights down low and have a moment. Yeah.

Improv. It was like a freestyle on a guitar. Give me a fucking break. Justin, settle down. The guitar was good, man. Thank you. What are you doing? Give me a fucking break. I'm driving a car, my boy.

What are you doing? What's going on in here? I'm driving a car. Give me a fucking break. Is there a goddamn parent in the room or what? Fuck. Give me a fucking break. Justin, where are you from? I was born in the UK. I was raised in Reno, Nevada. Ooh.

Now I'm here. Biggest small city in the world. Yeah. Huh. Justin. 24-hour drinking, gambling, all the fun shit. How long have you been out here? Five years.

How much longer till you go back? Just kidding, Justin. I never got an answer on that love life thing. Just give me a better break! What are you doing? Why are you busting my boobs? Caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw Justin, I just find you unbearable, so let me ask again. You know what?

That's why I don't look in the mirror. Stop, stop, stop. Me too. Settle down, Justin. The last girl that you had intercourse with, how did that happen? Where did you meet her? A bar, something like that? How did that go down?

A playground. It was a playground. Where else would it be? Why are you asking me questions like this, Tony? It's like almost tries to be like the consciousness of my thoughts, but it's not even strong enough. Justin, I'm trying to fucking save you right now. Thank you. You're terrible.

So listen to me and answer my question. Last time I had intercourse? Yeah, how'd that go down? Fucking drunk, ravaging, wild man sex. Where at? With who? It was random girl as it was random sex in a random place on the random grass. Made up story. On the random sidewalk.

Made up story. Random, random, random, random. I'm improvising here. I'm improvising. I don't have an answer. I've never had sex before. I don't even have a dick. Alright, well. Well.

Justin, you're something special. You're alright, Justin. Thank you, guys. You're alright with us, man. Don't kill us. I feel fucked up that you said that because I'm not trying to put that vibe off. We're kidding. We know you're not trying. You'll do it. No, first up, hey, first up how I'm looking at it is like this.

You guys are who you guys are, and second of all, you called my name up. It's all random out of whatever fucking bucket that is. I came up here trying to jump on this stage and command this bitch. So that's how I fucking look at it. You know? That's how I fucking look at it. Absolutely.

It was a hostile takeover. Without the name. But the name, though. Alright, there he goes. Justin Glockler, ladies and gentlemen. Give him a hand. Give the man a hand. That's what you all wanted. Justin Glockler.

People love watching people bomb. I loved watching you two. You guys shut down and leaned back. I was uncomfortable. I thought I was just going to kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. Fuck you guys. Kick, kick, kick, get, get, get, get. Don't be uncomfortable. Fuck you guys. Get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get. The 360 just takes out everybody.

Just fuck this. Oh, Joel Jimenez. I just want to lighten the mood after that. It's my mom's birthday. Can I have a happy birthday to my mom? Happy birthday, mom. Is she here? Happy birthday.

Is she here? Yeah. Well, in honor of your mom's birthday and in honor of the show, we're going to do something special. A lot of people love a certain group of triplets that we met a few months ago. They are the Roman reigns of comedy

in which they are either absolutely loved or fucking hated. This last three weeks, we split them up individually, and they each did a set one by one by one, and it's been four weeks since we've seen them together, but you special audience get to see it right now. It's the

reunion of the Verzi triplets. One minute. They're gonna, uh... They're gonna... Yeah! Yeah! Alright. They're going to... They're going to... Yeah! All right. Thank you, guys.

Well, thank you. Thank you. Last week, Tony showed one of our commercials we did when we were seven years old. Yeah, we were child actors. You don't need talent to be a child actor. You just need to be cute. Yeah, and we were very molestable kids. Oh.

We were. Totally. Six dimples. Six dimples between us. We're a pedophile's wet dream, okay? That's all we're saying. We were. Totally. Six dimples. Six dimples between us. We're a pedophile's wet dream, okay? That's all we're saying. We're very cute. And, you know, in the commercial, we had our shirts off,

which I can only imagine Jared from Subway has jerked off to you like five times. Multiple times. I do. Oh, my God. We're adorable. We're molestable now. It's true. Maybe.

But then we hit puberty. And once you hit puberty, your career is over. Puberty is like AIDS to a child actor. It's not fun anymore. Just kind of wither away. Speaking of AIDS, that commercial was shot in Africa. Yep, us in Africa. No joke, it was shot in Africa.

But it's different out there. Like the child labor laws in America, you work three hours and then they rotate you in. In Africa, you work or they kill you. That's just it. You work or you're a soldier. Different kind of environment there. Different kind of environment. We went to McDonald's and all the Happy Meals came with machetes.

All the Happy Meals came with machetes. You sons of bitches. I don't know why I love you, but I do. It looks like three Chad Mendes. Yeah. You guys are about to weigh in.

Let me ask you guys a question. Dead serious. You guys lift? You guys fucking hit it hard in the gym? Do you even lift, bros? You guys work? Because I was looking at you from behind. I'm happy with your backs. I'm happy with your backs.

I'm happy with your fucking glutes. You definitely don't waste any time. You fucking hit your glutes. I know you hit them hard. All three of them. You think they're on something, B? I don't think they're on something. I think these kids are probably, they got some Italian in them. They got some Italian. They're Jersey Italian. They're good with their carbs.

They eat their carbs at night. They eat their protein in the morning. They got smooth. They're good with their carbs. They eat their carbs at night. They eat their protein in the morning. They got smooth American slash Italian skin. Appreciate that, you guys. All three of them work in their parents' construction business. They all eat together. They sleep in cribs.

Any wrestlers in the group? Anybody wrestle? We played football. You built like fucking wrestlers, you guys. You guys ever do any light wrestling just for fun? Yeah, we fuck around. Yeah, no, I mean, just you ever do it for money? We'll talk about that. I'm straight. I'm asking

American questions. That's all. A Kill Tony charity wrestling match? Yeah, why not? You three. Look, you're cocky. Is that a speedo? You know, that kind of thing. We'll figure it out. We'll do some stretching.

You guys flexible or what? Creepy questions. Creepy questions. Ooh. Those yours? I just gave you his underwear. Those are his. You guys grew up in Jersey or where?

No, we grew up in L.A. We're in L.A.? Yeah, we look like we're from Jersey all the time. Yeah, you look like three guys from Jersey. Yes. Put it on, then take it off. Oh, right on the head. Jesus.

These guys will do anything for your love, people. They're fucking warm. They will do anything for you to like. They're fucking warm. Now, you guys get together as three, and you go, I got an idea. Let's all bomb at once. That's the usual idea. Just bomb at the same time.

Don't worry, Justin Glockler also triple bombed tonight. That was that last guy. Yes. How long have you guys been doing stand-up? A little over a year. You guys should climb up on top of each other's shoulders and perform.

One mic at the very top. Yeah. Have you guys ever fought another man or three other guys? Are you well organized in a fight? Like twins on twins on triplets or something? I'd be down for that. That'd be fucking fun. If you guys were related as closely as you guys, it'd be hard because you're psychically organized.

One goes low, the other goes high. We're in sync for sure. Or really easy. What about chicks? You guys date the same girl, ever pull the switcheroo? Not really, although he took a curl on a Tinder date out like three years ago and never made a move, so I just took her out a couple weeks ago and I'm going to fuck her. You made a move.

Yeah. That's super aggressive, but yeah. How did it go? Yeah, I'm going to fuck her tomorrow. Hopefully. Not if I have going to fuck it tomorrow. Hopefully. Not if I have something to do with it. Whoa. Oh, my God.

He's a wacky person. He's not going to do a fucking thing. He already blew his chance. You guys are only funny like 12% of the time. I love it, though. It's adorable. That ratio is a huge increase of where we were a few months ago

so let me ask you triplet something you guys all got to perform on your own now you're all back together at once how did that affect you guys doing solo sets for three weeks in a row we saw one of you do a new minute another did a new minute and then another did a new minute and it started pretty okay, and then it got

worse after that. Everybody started doing worse. I'd kind of done a little bit of stand-up before we did the triplet act. Were you the first one? Yeah. You were week one? Yeah. But I did new material. And you had less time to prepare, which is weird because you guys had an extra week. Isn't it sort of crazy that you guys are triplets and this guy's

absolutely superior to you in the comedy business? Yeah. Isn't that weird? Not at all. He just had one good set. Whoa. And one of the lines he used in there was one of my lines. Whoa. Yeah, yeah.

He doesn't want to admit it, but it's fucking true. It was a throwaway joke. You got to chuckle. Do you guys find yourself reading the same book coincidentally? Having the same dreams and stuff? Yeah, they do. They read the same book sometimes when they're sleeping in the same bed coincidentally and having the same dreams? Yeah, they do. They read the same book sometimes when they're sleeping in the same bed

right before falling asleep. You guys do live together? Yeah, we all live together. Have you ever spooned with your cocks and each other's asses? Whoa, Jesus. Every night. Have some decency here. Just went all the way there.

Any of you guys ever catch the other ones masturbating? We have a catch Masturbating thing earlier Who gets caught the most I did a lot When we were kids We had really shitty internet So the second like

Someone got on like A YouTube video or something You knew they were on it And they just run in the room And you catch me jerking off Do you guys all have The exact same size piece Or what's going on

We haven't looked man We haven't looked You haven't looked What I've seen his dick The first day I met him I was pissing And he goes like this And I go what He goes I'm just checking out What you're working with man. We haven't looked. What? I've seen his dick. The first day I met him, I was pissing and he goes like this. And I go, what? He goes, I'm just checking out what you're working with.

You guys haven't looked? You guys have seen each other naked? That's so weird. You haven't seen each other naked? You don't spot each other? Show us your penises now. One extremely lonely woman wants it to happen right now. So you never rock with your cocks out as a group?

No, it's fucking weird. I don't know, dude. You guys should come out like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Socks on dicks. Well, you're sweet, guys. You're a sweet three. I call you guys the sweet three. Oh, thank you.

That's my nickname for you guys, the sweet three. Oh, thank you. Yeah. That's my nickname for you guys. The sweet three. So what do you guys think is next for the Versi trip? Better than the salty four. Suicide. Is that for us? Yeah. We're going to keep doing it.

You just got to keep getting up and keep fucking doing it. I mean, it's an interesting thing for us, but we're going to keep doing it. Serious question. Did this throw off your guys' chi or anything, this experiment, this odd? Oh, no. I was going to say we set aside a day to do strictly solo, and then we'll come back together. So you guys are back to it just full speed? Yeah.

Well, we're going to give each other one day to do a solo day just so we each creatively think outside the triplet shit and then go back and do it. Thank you, Red Band, for that. So you guys can go and think about the same things in separate rooms. Yeah. Very good. The triplet act does work, though, in some places,

like other clubs. Right. Freak shows. This doesn't happen all the time. I feel like you guys would kill it on America's Got Talent or some shit. Yeah. Well, when we get longer than a minute, it's...

That's sort of, in my opinion, what I think they're in a weird fantasy football type of way being built for. It's definitely not going to be fucking... They're not edgy at all, but... Are you friends with the wolf boy? What? Are they friends with the wolf boy? I've always wanted to know what he's like. What the fuck?

Wow. Long. Deep reach. Deep reach. I don't even get it. Oh. What? Oh.

Okay. What were you saying? I don't know. Some Bersie triplets. I don't know. What do you think? We feel much. I mean, obviously, every comic feels much better outside of a one-minute set, but definitely

for us, it just helps us lean out a little more. I love it. There they go. Thank you so much, guys. The Versi Triplets, ladies and gentlemen. They're on Twitter at The Versi Triplets. What do you guys think? Just do one last quick one and then get out of here?

One more? One more? Crowd's not really into it. We're going to get out of here right now. One last one. Put your hands together. We know this young lady. She's now an employee here.

Put your hands together for Jessica Wellington, everybody. Is she here? Jessica Wellington. Is she in the room? Nope. I didn't think so. She's working, right? She fucked up.

She took off early. All right. Scott Cohen. Wow, here he comes from the middle of the audience. Price is Right style. Scott Cohen. Hey, guys. I'm here on holiday.

I'm from Australia. I'm really on holiday. I'm from Australia. I'm really enjoying my 2017. My 2016, I spent dealing with the big C. Yeah, that's right. The big C is what I call my girlfriend. No, I did have cancer. I had bladder cancer. They wanted to take out my whole bladder and replace it with a neo-bladder, which is like a regular bladder, but it's from the Matrix.

So it can dodge bullets? I didn't ask. They ended up taking out a third of my bladder, so now I have about the bladder the size of an 11-year-old's, which I'm okay with because I've always had the penis about the size of an 11-year-old's. Also, I'm a fan of symmetry. Thank you, guys. a fan of symmetry. Thank you guys. I've been Scott. Fuck yeah. Scott Cohen. All the way from Australia.

Making jokes about his small penis. Slider council. Having a little problems with the old down under areas we see. Down under, yeah. He looks like it's got a little shrimp on your Barbie, huh? Tiny dick, Australian tiny dick jokes, people. How did you find out you had cancer? Did you start smelling, or was there blood?

Pissing blood. Pissing blood. How long did, wow. The name of my new album. Immediately when you see blood coming out of your vagina. Is that hereditary? Did you smoke a lot? They don't know. They can't figure it out.

Are you wearing a device now, like a bag now? No, no. I was going to wear a device, but I got to keep my own bladder, and they just made it a lot smaller. So you've got to pee all the time? Yeah. How often do you go pee? I've shoved past this guy three times this show.

Three times? Wow. Are you drinking right now? Yeah, yeah. Man, I wouldn't drink anymore. I am yeah. Man, I wouldn't drink anymore. I am Australian. Yeah, you wouldn't drink anymore, Brian, sure. I'd be doing like Coke or something.

You would also probably be doing that as well. Are you going to keep developing the cancer-like stuff because it's a big part of your life? Well, this is my first time ever doing this. Wow, look at that. We popped his cherry, everybody. We popped his bladder. Is this your first time doing stand-up? this. Wow, look at that. We popped his cherry, everybody. We popped his bladder. Is this your first time doing stand-up? Yeah. Wow.

I'm just a big fan of the show, and I couldn't come all this way without putting my name in it. You're ready to pee your pants or something like that. Good job. Thank you. You're a sweet guy. This is like your make-a-wish if you didn't survive your cancer. Well, they're not sure it's gone. It's funny when somebody has cancer.

I feel like you're much sweeter. You have cancer, so now I just generally like you. You guys should get a time shift. In my mind, I was like, he's got a very sweet expression in his eyes. Yeah, you seem like a cool guy from some kind of Bond movie

or something like that. Hey, bro, you want to hang out? I've got yogurt. Remission Impossible? Tony Hensley, ladies and gentlemen. You're talking about a fucking professional. You better recognize. It took me a long time to write those jokes.

I beg to differ. I think he looks like if the store Journeys was a person. No one been to the mall in a while? It's dead on. We don't have that in Australia. Does that get you laid, by the way, when you talk about how you had cancer? Cancer survivor.

Girls like that, right? Oh, the girlfriend loves it. Yeah. They want to take care of you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Were you pissed when you got cancer?

That's a good fucking Hey there Fucking keeps coming Now you know how I feel Mr. Callan What are other side effects that you've had to deal with? It's been a long word Like I had nine surgeries Chemo, then it spread to my lung

I had surgery there How old are you? 34 How old were you when you got it? 33 Nine surgeries, chemo, then it spread to my lung. I had surgery there. Oh, shit. God damn, man. Fuck, how old are you? 34. How old were you when you got it? 33. Oh, fucking fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Bladder cancer most common in people over 80.

We're glad you're here. It's happening tonight, Tony. We're glad you're here, man. Yeah, thanks. Me too. Yeah. Good answer. And that was funny.

Did you have cancer in the family? Like, was this a family cancer thing? No, they gave me a list, and they said, is it any of these? And it was heavy smoker, people over 70, prolonged catheter use, like working in the carpet dyeing industry. And I was just like, nope, nope, nope, nope. What the fuck? Wow.

Wow. How do you smoke with your dick? Well, when it spread to my lung, that was also bladder cancer, but in my lung. So people ask, how are you pissing, man? Why you got bladder cancer in your lung? A lot of heavy shit tonight, Tony. Yeah, definitely.

A lot of heavy shit and light peas. Heavy shit, but also a whole bunch of triumph, you guys. See, Tony? Triumph. Triumph. Man. I'm okay. I just feel so lucky. I can't stand it.

Yeah. Sometimes Brian Cowan goes hours without pissing. I know. Wow, Scott. Well, this is pretty cool. How long are you visiting America for? We're here for three weeks, but we've been in L.A. for four days, and we leave tomorrow.

We go to San Fran. Where's your girlfriend? Is that your girl? She's a doll. She hates being spoken to in the crowd. Well done, dude. Yeah, totally. Bravo.

We like you guys. You're winning at life, sir. Here's my platinum credit card. Go crazy, sir. Well, I mean, it also is one of those things where she might not really like you anymore, but she stands by you just so that she knows that she wouldn't be able to live with herself because if she did leave you, you know what I mean? Everyone would look down on her.

It might be one of those things where she's not really that good of a person, but because it's for her own selfish reasons, she's just, you know. No, I saw that movie. Yeah, it's true. I'm just kidding. Scott, I'm so, so happy for you that you got to do something that you've always wanted to do here tonight and try stand-up comedy for the

first time. It was actually pretty awesome and your interview part was amazing. You're sort of built for this. Don't die. It was nice to meet you. Back to Australia tomorrow. Scott Cohen, you made it through this episode of Kill Tony wow look at that

Brian versus Brian that's amazing Brian J Ebalt's a freak that's so cool why do I look older than everybody else why do you look old you can go get a print at ryanjebelt.com guys that was this episode of Kill Tony what do you look old? You can go get a print at ryanjebelt.com

ryanjebelt.com Guys, that was this episode of Kill Tony. What do you guys want to plug? Brian Callen is like... Nashville this weekend. Thursday, Friday, Saturday at Zaney's. Only come if you like laughing fucking hard as shit for an hour and a half. Fighter and the Kid

is in Washington, D.C. and Philly in April. One of my favorite podcasts. Check out the Fighter and the Kid is in Washington, D.C. and Philly in April. One of my favorite podcasts. Check out the Fighter and the Kid. Jeremiah Watkins. Yes, at Jeremiah's stand-up on all social media. Please reach out to me. And Pat Regan and I have a new Regan and Watkins video coming

out tomorrow. Joel Jimenez is the drummer. He's on Twitter at MostlySorry. Check out my other podcast, the Pro Wrestling Podcast, Store Horseman, The Pony Hour, which I've had a great interview with Brendan Schaub

on before, episode one. And thank you, live audience, for coming out. See ya. Goodbye. That's Chroma Chris, the bass player. I want to do that. Thank you so much. you