KILL TONY - KILL TONY #2

Episode Date: June 21, 2013

Brody Stevens, Tony Hinchcliffe, Iron Patriot, Brian Redban – Date: 06/10/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony on the Death Squad Podcast Network. Yeah, they decided to go with the name Kill Tony. This doesn't really take an effect until the third episode when Tony announces that he wants to change it to Kill Tony. The audience agreed. At first, I wasn't a big fan of the name but then i when tony describes it in the third episode it i like his explanation and i and i think it's easier to find for people that don't want to try to spell hinge cliff and you know i think it's all about marketing yourself so people can find it so i get it but anyways so this podcast is now called kill tony uh you can see

it live every monday at the Comedy Store starting at 8pm. We have Death Squad Night at the Comedy Store. All tickets are free and then it's followed by 10 o'clock at the Ding Dong Show. So just go to thecomedystore.com or go to deathsquad.tv Also don't forget to subscribe to us on iTunes

or Stitcher. Just search for Death Squad and hit subscribe. And we're coming to the comic con 2013 next month and toronto canada all these tickets can be found at death squad.tv and now here's the second episode of kill tony Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Store here on Hollywood, California for a brand new episode of the Hinchcliffe Notes. Give it up for your host, Tony Hinchcliffe. This is immediately an extremely, extremely exciting show.

Yeah, it is. How was your weekend, Brian? My week, I think I might have said this already, but my week consisted of drinking a whole bottle of tequila and a whole bottle of Southern Comfort and then blacking out and then talking to some girl on Facebook I met in Tokyo last week and then I guess I bought a plane ticket for her to stay with me

for seven days from Tokyo. Wow. Put your hands together for that everybody. Who's living that kind of life in this room to where you're having so much fun in life that you wake up the next morning and you find out that you have a pet Japanese girl that's living

with you for a week after that. And let's just say when I did meet her I met her at a strip club and I only knew her for probably six hours and I've probably talked to her three times on Facebook and I didn't have a1,000 just to blow.

And so now I'm fucked in so many ways. And then she stayed with me. And look, seven days is either you can fall in love with somebody or you can murder them. Right? I mean, by day three or four, if that's not a decent person that's just sort of chill and and cool i mean you got to be so cool if you come out here for seven days right and uh yeah luckily but it went well yeah it went pretty well i met her she seemed super cool super smart super fun it was like hanging out with your mom that walked around in underwear it she like got mad at me for peeing outside because i have

a pee pot oh yeah i got a bush that I pee in It's a plant And once in a while I'll be outside having a cigarette And be like you know what I'm going to pee in my pee pot You know I like it I heard that that's really good for you to pee outside Have you guys heard that before that it's good to pee outside once a day It's supposed to bring some kind of balance

That's not a joke It's supposed to bring some kind of balance to your life I can't remember who I know that does it, but I know one smart person that does it. She looked at it as if I was Hawaii. She was just upset and she was just shitting on me for four days straight.

She saw my nails and my nails were not trimmed to specifications. Then she got really drunk and she's been trained in the arts of strip clubbing her whole life since she was like six.

And so she like does really uncomfortable things like where we'll be hanging out in a group and then she'll just come up and be like, ah! Like hands waving up in the air

like as you know like strippers do when you're like, hey, pump! Let's get a bottle! Not only do strippers do that but Asians do air. Like, as you know, like strippers do when you're like, Hey, let's get a bottle. Not only do strippers do that, but Asians do that. Yeah.

Right. So both being an Asian stripper must've been right. Aggressive. Yeah. And then hands on people's strangers legs. That was actually my penis. Yeah. I'm sorry.

How you're sitting confused. It wasn't a leg, but thank you for the compliment. Well, actually that, that was, I was just trying to be accurate for you. I love it. No, it's true.

Me too. I mean, I was trying to be accurate too. You definitely grabbed my cock just then. But it worked out. Yeah. So I had to drop her off today. So this week was stressful. I learned a lot about myself.

I'm going to start working out more. I'm not going to drink as much. My Asian fetish is now completely gone. So is my strip club and porno fetish, I think, all in one week. I think she was... She eliminated all of your fetishes in one week, including eating. Yeah. How was your week?

That's good that it paid off, though. I mean, you're really lucky. I guess keeping all those Chinese lucky cats around you all the time is really paying off. Yeah, that was like feed. That was like snacks for her. I think that's why she came to me. I'm doing good. I had a great weekend.

It was my birthday on Saturday, everybody. Thank you very much. I spent it down in La Jolla. Me, Sam Tripoli, and Annie Letterman did four shows at the La Jolla Comedy Store. They recarpeted the Oceanside Condo. That was really nice. Way better than our Roof Otter 2, huh? Well, we turned that into something special.

Roof Otter 2 was great, but it would have been a better Roof Otter, even though we don't have Wi-Fi there. But it was a lot of fun, and it worked out, and I'm happy to be back, because I'm excited about this show. Thank you, everybody, for coming to Episode 2 of Hinchcliffe's Notes,

where me, a professional comedian and writer and Red Band and my guest every week, we try to help comedy in some way. You're sticking with the name Hinchcliffe Notes, right? I guess so.

You haven't put up a Twitter status or a poll? I think maybe we'll do that this week. That's a good idea, right? Yeah. Anyway. But it's an exciting show.

We have a new addition to the set. Oh, yeah. Would you bring this up? I'm very, very excited about it. Put your hands together for the new head of security of my podcast, the Iron Patriot, everybody. As he lost his mind

There he is. That's right. He's here and he's in the flesh. He's the one and the only. Iron Patriot. The Iron Patriot. For every life he saved, there's a million new ways to die. Love it.

Iron Patriot. It's so much like the Iron Man, but it's the Iron Patriot. Red, white, and blue. I'm looking forward to 4th of July. Is that one of your catchphrases? Right now, I just thought of it. I love it. Well, welcome to the show. We're so

glad to have you be part of it. We're hoping that, well, we'll see how it goes on this test run, but we're definitely going to perhaps be in talks about having you be the regular head of security for my pod. There's nothing like head of security that can't see where he's walking.

He fell on me earlier and somehow, this is what I didn't want to tell you about at the beginning, somehow my hand got in this crotch area and I actually touched your dick. Did you know? No, that was my hand. It's actually touched your dick. Did you know? No, that was my hand.

It's rather dark in here. I think that's your secret. I think it's the old Folly touch my dick move, Fireman. He really is. Oh, look at that. That's why you're in town. It's all coming together.

Nothing like having a head of security who his last words to me before the show were, there's no steps around where I'm standing, Arthur. But I'm excited to have you. I just really hope that your presence alone is enough of a defense mechanism so that nobody harms me physically. Oh, wait, well, we have a question, a very aggressive question coming from the balcony.

This guy's very excited. It's Jordan. I'm thinking merchandising for you, Tony. Can that be the first shirt? Wait, what? There are steps behind me. For the Iron Patriot. The Iron Patriot's the worst superhero perhaps ever. He just has no idea

where he's... I mean, it's great. Don't get me wrong. But, I mean, there's no defending the galaxy with this guy. There's basically just stand in one place. I wonder what more great bad superhero catchphrases we could come up with. If I fall on you, it'd be painful, though.

That's a good catchphrase. I don't know if you meant that, or... I don't know if you meant that or... I don't know if you're just saying that or you knew what you were doing. You have to go really close to that. You have to get really close and you have to keep your eyes wide open. See, that's another good catchphrase, though.

Put your eyeball right next to this light. See that's another good catchphrase though Put your eyeball right next to this light I don't bend I break We could go all night This is great anyway The Iron Patriot also is a Death Squad fan Right and by the way Just exactly right

He's a Death Squad fan The way that we met him was about 7 minutes before the show started Brian and I are standing outside And we hear this squeaking noise fan the way that we met him was about seven minutes before the show started brian and i are standing outside and we hear this squeaking noise and we look over by the doorway and then and this is walking towards us and we have no idea what's going on it's very quiet it's just brian and i were watching it walk slowly closer and closer to us. We're thinking it must be somebody, you know, that's going to kill us or something. And his first words to us were, after he

finally stops and through this robotic voice he just says, nice to meet you guys. Really big fan. Do you think there was a thing this far for anybody else than you crazy guys? Thank you, guys. Oh, thank you, man. Get up one more time. Our new head of security, everybody. The Iron Patriot.

Anybody fucks with me, I'm gonna get hurt. Fuck yeah. So it's a pleasure for me to bring up my guest tonight, the person who's going to be going over the comedian's work with me for this show,

one of my very good friends. Everybody on the Death Squad knows him. Everybody from The Hangover knows him. Chelsea lately. This guy's got credits out of the wazoo. His best credit is that he is probably literally one of the funniest comedians in the world

right now. Put your hands together for my guest tonight. Episode 2. Brody Stevens, everybody. The Hangover. Hangover 2. New Date. Chelsea Lately. Over 2,000 crowd warm-ups.

The Burn. Comedy Central show coming out in a couple months called Enjoy It. Brody Stevens, everybody. Steven Brody Stevens. You. Steven Brody Stevens. You got it. All right. Thank you for having me here, Tony. Positive energy.

You got it. Are you excited about the Iron Patriot, Brody? Yeah, I think he's a great character. He's a great person. I saw him walking down the street, and he was strong. He was protecting Sunset Boulevard. And thank you for being here. Iron Patriot. There he is. You saw him when he was walking

down Sunset? Yeah. He was very walking straight. He's very a lot of 90 degree angles. And you were really just walking down. I saw you. I felt your...

And I'll tell you what. When you said you knew me, I felt good. Thank you. I told you I was a fan of Dead Squad, didn't I? Yeah. I've seen you on the Ice House Chronicles, too. Thank you.

Fuck yeah. You are the coolest fucking thing that's ever walked in here. He's a cool guy. I knew I would be lucky. That's why I came. The Iron Patriot. Let him hear it, everybody.

Yes! Push and believe. You want to smell the iron penis? He doesn't stand outside Man's Chinese Theater. He stands out at Lemley's Theater. Yes! You got it. Smart guy. Stands outside Lemley's theater. That was the joke.

It's funny. He stood outside of Lemley's. It's funny. It's exciting. So it's been a big weekend for you, Brody, right? It was a great weekend. Gay pride weekend? Traffic was ridiculous.

I couldn't get anywhere. And on top of that, my float broke down. So thank you for not laughing. Saturday was great. I went to Dodger Stadium, and I met Sandy Koufax. Who here knows Sandy Koufax? An American legend. An icon.

The Wilt Chamberlain of baseball. He played for the Cleveland Indians, right? No, he played for the Dodgers. And he's Jewish. You got it. Yes. One of the greatest pitchers ever. Left-handed.

Retired at 30. He was dominant. And I shook hands with him. His fingers are so long. He's got such long fingers. He was able to throw that curveball and really whip that fastball. I was just proud to be around him. Sandy Koufax, everybody. I was there.

I'm sure if Sandy could hear that it would... That was a big weekend. Yeah, he is Jewish. I told him I was Jewish too. I said, Sandy, I'm Jewish. Did you pay that kid in the back to ask if Sandy was Jewish? Because you love

dropping when people are Jewish. No, I didn't drop him. You said he was Jewish. I heard you say it. He's Jewish. And then he goes, hey, is he Jewish? Maybe you didn't hear. Maybe you walked in halfway in between. Just out of curiosity, what's the nationality of the Iron Patriot?

You got it. What is he? Wait, wait. Let's guess. Let's guess. I know he's American. I'm guessing Scottish. The Iron Patriot is American, period.

Definitely American. A mixture of everything. He's from everywhere. He represents a lot of people. He's Aryan. He's Jewish. He's black. He's Latino. He's Armenian. He's Latino. He's Armenian. He's American. Give him a nice hand.

The American patriot. The iron patriot. It felt like a Scottish penis to me. That's why I said that. Seriously, what's your nationality? He's not going to tell you. Don't give it away. He'll tell me.

What are you talking about? Don't break character. Okay. T you. Don't give it away. He'll tell me. What are you talking about? Don't break character. Okay. TIP. Don't break character. I think it's funny if he does break character sometimes. I want to show every side of me. Tip.

Tip. Don't break character. The Iron Patriot. Tip. You like that? Tip. Yes. For short.

Just between me and you, here's a little secret. The bad guy always wins. Me killing you is perfect justification for symbolism. Yeah, I like how he speaks. All right, guys, we are all going to die tonight. Oh, my God. I'm happy. I'm positive.

Justice will triumph over evil. We will crush the enemy together. Let's do it He sounds like Nick Rutherford If you know Nick Yeah it does Very funny comedian So that's a compliment And his girlfriend's hot

Who do you date? What can I say? I can't say the best for last Who do you date? Lucy Lawless? Lucy Lawless? That's racist Please

Keep doing what you're doing But I just have to say it I love what you're doing, but I just have to say it. I love what you're doing. You can take the abuse. That's another good slogan. This is so funny. I can take the abuse.

I'm sorry for moving the microphone, Brian. Oh, my God. Anything to make the show better. That's what I'm here for. Absolutely. Okay, well, speaking of the show, what do you say? Brody, what are you doing, man? Well, it looks good right there in the mic. Yes, you got it.

Iron Patriot. Yes. That's going to be a great vine. Do you vine Iron Patriot? Do I what? Do you vine or Twitter? Are you on the social? I am on Twitter. What's your name

on Twitter? At Comic Patriot. Wow! That's comic for the comic books and comic for if I get on stage here. Right. I don't know how easy it's going to be for you to get on stage here. There's a step.

Wait, wait, wait. Did you just say you sing? Yeah. Wow. Stop in the name of love. Before you break my heart. Stop in the name of love. Before you break my heart.

Oh, my God. This time next week, you're going to be seeing this guy on The Voice. These judges are going to turn their chairs around and be like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. All right, all right. That's enough singing. People listening to the podcast. Give them a nice hand. Yes.

You got it. The Iron Patriot. G-I-P-A-T-I-P. You got it. Touch. Believe. 90 degree angles. Okay, well, this is really exciting.

This is the part where we're going to get the patriot More on the security side of things If you need to save batteries I don't know if your batteries are good all night Or whatever Yeah do you want us to turn some batteries off for you I'm fine I'm fine I'm fully charged Okay very good

Another great catchphrase by the way Fully charged On the back of the shirt These batteries won't die Okay Another great catchphrase, by the way. Fully charged. Fully charged. On the back of the shirt, these batteries won't die. Okay. So if you don't know the format of the show, everybody, this is where things get a little bit more interesting and fun, or I don't know if it actually gets more fun than the Iron Patriot,

but we're going to try anyway. But this is the part where I go downstairs earlier in the evening and people are signing up for the open mic. A lot of fresh, young, awesome comedians and some crazy people. And you never know who's signing up for the open mic. I've hosted the show downstairs for years. And so anyway, what they do downstairs is everybody's signing up for a three-minute spot on the original room stage. We're up in the belly room.

for a three-minute spot on the original room stage. We're up in the belly room, and for the first 15 people that sign up on this list, instead of doing three minutes downstairs, they do one minute of stand-up here, and myself and my guest, who tonight is Brody Stevens... Steven, Brody Stevens, you got it. Steven, Brody Stevens, you got it.

We'll be either tagging the jokes, maybe just telling them how we feel, you know, whatever. I'm here to help. Right. I'm Steven Tyler, you're Simon. Is that fair? No, that's not cool. That's not rock and roll. How do you get to be a hit guitar player?

You know what? Simon's respected. Simon is a corporate megalomaniac. Simon's not in the Writers Guild. I'd be happy exchanging places with Simon Cowell. But Steven Tyler's pretty good, too. Well, I'm sure Simon would probably want to change places with you. Me?

You have your own comedy show. I mean, he probably wants to be liked. I guarantee you, if Simon Cowell wants to do a comedy show, they'd give him a chance. But it wouldn't work. He's not funny. I think he's funny.

I'm positive energy. Well, he's not, so you're rooting for a negative energy. Well, two wrongs don't make a right, Tony. I look for the positive. What's his name? Simon. Simon Powell. the positive. What's his name? Simon. Simon Powell.

Simon Powell. Anyway. I'm a positive energy guy. I want to see these young comedians. I'm excited to check out the competition, what's out there, the talent pool. So everybody signed up. It filled up extremely quick. It was pretty exciting.

Last week was the first one, and I could sort of tell people, like, what's this? I don't know what's going on. And then what's funny is, like, seven or eight people signed up immediately and as the time went on before they were either going to get picked to do a spot downstairs or not, people started realizing, oh, shit, well, I might as well see what's going on. So they signed up. But tonight, it filled up

immediately. We have a lot of people that are really excited to be here and I'm excited to have them. So everybody's going to do a minute and then to be here, and I'm excited to have them. So everybody's going to do a minute, and then we chat with them, and then we do the next person. Ready? You got it. Here we go.

First up. I'm really excited about this first person because it was actually a stamp. Somebody has a stamp of their name. Hipster. They didn't have a stamp to put in the subject line so we have no idea what they're going to talk about. However, I will tell you that this person has a stamp and then

somebody actually, it probably was him, had to put an arrow to it that says actual person so that I knew that. Anyway. So I'm going to just read exactly what's on the line. Put your hands together for Adelston Fitzgerald. Hold her first. She here?

Next. Awesome. Way to go. He wasn't a person. The stamp was a lie. That's what you get to listen. Why are you listening to hipsters? That's really bizarre.

Hold her first. Interesting. Maybe that's Iron Patriot. Wouldn't Iron Patriot have a stamp? He wouldn't be trying to write. It's true. That's a good idea. He's done a minute.

Let's keep this thing going. Iron Patriot's great. You need to settle down up there, buddy. Let's get this thing going. Yes. You just settle down. Anyway. Anyway. Okay, well number two is the person

who actually was nice enough to get everybody's attention for me. I asked him to do it because he has a deep voice. I know this guy. Fun upcoming stand-up comic. I'm excited to have him here. Put your hands together. Talking about drinking, it's Doug Fager, everybody.

Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Been treating my body like shit lately. I've been drinking too much. If my body were a temple, it'd be Temple Grandin. Got so drunk the other day,

I had to take a cab from Burbank to my place in Hollywood. I realized about halfway through that it might have just been cheaper to get the DUI. By the time we got to the freeway, I think I would have had enough money for bail. By the time we got off the freeway, I think I would have had enough money for a lawyer. By the time I got home and paid him, it felt like I had been raped. Might as well have spent the night in jail. Are these cab drivers any better at driving

than I am when I'm drunk? They're swerving through traffic. They're cutting people off. They're swearing at people. Or at least I think they're swearing. I don't know. I don't speak Farsi. What I'm trying to say, guys,

friends don't let friends take cabs. That joke kills. Literally. How am I supposed to stop drinking when everybody wants you to go to some happy hour after work? Everybody's like, oh, come on, Doug, we're going to happy hour. Everybody's going. But happy hour's the wrong name for it

because happy hour's never just like an hour. Happy hour's like three hours. Then a happy hour turns into a crazy night, which turns into a crazy night, which turns into a shitty morning, which makes you want to go to another happy hour to take the edge off. That turns into like a forgotten week. Give him a nice hand, yes.

Doug, Doug, stay up stage. Stay on stage. All right, first of all, I love what you're doing. You're the first person in the history of the show to run the light, which is exciting. We got to hear we got to hear for the first time ever. That is the new. That's exciting. Yeah, we went through 15 people last week and nobody ran the light.

I could tell you were going to close on the thing and then you went into new material. It was pretty interesting. I think the second part is stronger but I can't really do the second part without the first part. First of all, let me just settle down, Doug. Just take it easy. Don't make me get the Iron

Patriot on you. No, we don't want that. Somebody's rooting for that in the back. The Temple Grand. Now, that's a reference that I have never heard in six years. That's like an old Western actress, right? No, Temple Grand in this nautistic. She's famous.

There was a movie. Wow, that's something no one knows. How many people by round of applause knew who Temple Grand was? One. That's a lot of people. I saw an embarrassed lady right here. I put her arm up for a second. She's famous for essentially being autistic and being able to do a lot of things subsequently.

You know who a more famous autistic person is? Josh Meyerowitz. I thought you might go there. If you're going to use an autistic person in your joke, you better use our friend Josh Meyerowitz, or else we will have him apologize to you so hard. Yeah, that's too deep of a reference, though. For real, though.

Too deep of a reference, for real. And also, when you DUI, you could kill people, and driving drunk is not cool. Yeah, and anywhere you perform, you're hoping... No, listen. Anywhere you anywhere you perform you're hoping no listen anywhere you're performing you're hoping that people are drinking a dui joke it's really tough to pull off a b i mean it can be funny but you what you'll notice is that most of the venues that you perform at they really don't want you talking about that because they want people to

buy three or four or five drinks and the farther out you get i mean i you know it's not cool that places tell you what you shouldn't shouldn't talk about but the farther out you get the more you find that so dui thinks a tough subject but i love your cadence man i think you have like yeah i don't remember what did you what did you think all last week but i think um you know i i've heard i like the cab stuff. I've heard, you know, it's not a fresh topic to me. But you told it well. You created a nice picture. I would say mic technique, you want to like, it just depends on the volume, though. Like, I'm sticking the mic in my face, but I think generally you want to have the mic here where the audience can see your face.

When you're eating the mic, they can't see your face. I think the mic is low, but you're holding on your chin. Maybe that's comfortable for you, having the mic on your chin like that. It's a comfortable feeling. I disagree. Maybe it's a comfort. But ideally, and I think it just could be the microphone. You want them to see your mouth.

I thought that your stuff was concise concise to do a minute's hard is hard but the cap stuff it's good i mean there's a beginning middle and end well thank you and i think you just gotta you just gotta keep doing it let me ask ask one more question and i don't need to go into detail but i don't agree with that by the way brody don't agree with what tell me like way, Brody. Don't agree with what? Tell me. Like putting the mic close to your face? That's all I do all day long. I lick the other comics' sweat and tears and spit. I think if you're going on TV stuff, they want to see your face. They want to see your mouth.

If you're eating the mic, you're taking away something. Yeah, you're not supposed to wear a hat either, and I love wearing a hat. Well, a hat's going to darken your eyes. Right. I'm just talking about that's – I mean, rules can be broken. Not everyone has a beautiful face like you. Some of us need to hide. Look, whatever I say –

Is that what it is? Are you hiding something? No, the mic is a certain level. But I think there is something to that. There's something mildly comforting about resting it there. I don't know what it is. I don't know. There's something about it.

It just feels good. It's like balls on your mouth. But it could be one of those things like, you know, how when you start, you hang on to the mic stand. Maybe it's a comfort. Technically, it's wrong. I have to go on record saying that. Maybe it's one of those that's technically it's wrong i have to go on record saying yeah maybe it's one of those that's actor actually now they got me upset technically by who

what's the by most comedians most professional i'm not saying you aren't but i'm saying like the rules would be i'm not a professional technically to hold the mic here i mean that they would say that is the rule. The exception is this. There are guys who hold it like that. But the rule is, hi, welcome to the comedy club. My name is Brody. You can see my mouth.

You can see my teeth. That's the rule. The exception is, fuck yeah, I'm doing this. I'm this guy. If your material was awesome, no one would be paying attention to your teeth. I don't know. I don't know.

You better have great material then, is what I say. What are you saying? I say generally speaking. I'm not talking about you. I'm not talking about anybody specifically. Would you agree in general, in general, audience, I'm eating the mic, but in general, it's probably not a good idea to eat the microphone.

If you want to look cool. It's definitely a great, great technical note. Thank you. That's all I was saying, and then a red band attacked me. No, it's fine. I think you both had really good points. Whose point is more? Who won this fight, Tony? Yeah, who won this fight?

You guys both have really good points. Two points. I say, okay, I got two. Red Band's got one on that. And the Iron Patriot has three. Four. You did great before, yeah. It was awesome.

Let's keep it moving. Good job. Doug, great job. Doug Fager, everybody, in the one spot. Positive energy. I am positive energy. How dare you, Tony? I'm excited.

I'm excited about this next one. I know this guy as well, another very funny young rising comic. Talking about baseball, it's Aaron Marsh, everybody. Thank you, guys. So everyone's heard of that baseball analogy. You know, like you get to first base, you kiss a girl. That dating analogy. But when I was introduced to this analogy, I was a child.

Just a kid. So in my mind, I knew more about baseball than dating. So I thought to get the second base I had to get a friend to go to first base so I can move the second and then I can't go back I'm stuck in this position which isn't exactly the way I wanted to date as a child and then thinking like well if I want to go home I got to get a stronger friend to bring all of us around. And so this guy would have to hit at least a triple,

maybe a home run, and then when everyone else crosses home plate, I have to high-five everyone else as they cross the line. It's not fair. The analogy should be football. You go to the line, you check it out, you read the defense. Is this a bump and run situation? You go back, you check your slots if she's got them covered, you go for the tight end boom! Touchdown! That's what I thought that's what I think dating should be about clearly

that's a bit aggressive guys I'm an aggressive guy, I got a lot of tattoos Whoa, there you go There I go, thank you guys Red band, you wanna start? There I go. Thank you guys. Red band, you want to start? Hey, look. You both had... Sorry, Aaron, but let's just finish this right now

because I was actually thinking about it while I was daydreaming during a set. Keep it positive. No, it is positive. I'm just being honest. It was just a quick five-second daydream and what I thought of was you can have the mic in front of your face and be a comedian, and that's fine. It doesn't work if you want to do comedy on TV. If you want to do stand-up and you want to tour and do stand-up, and that's great, which is awesome, which is all – any stand-up should be just fine with that.

But I think if you're doing a special or something like that that you have to get ready to not have the microphone covering your mouth your first minute should be the most important minute and what happened right there was like you just went into like a story and then immediately I was like wait this guy don't even know he's telling a story I'm just going to look over here for a bit you know like your first minute needs to be like slap you in the face what the fuck

hi my opinion on that is because you only have a minute and it's a specific topic i i i understand what the comedians are going through i mean you got to go right into it so you don't have time to kind of so i i don't mind you going right into the story but i was confused by it i didn't get it trim i you're trying to do a playoff. Going to first base is this. Second home run is having sex. I get it. I just got lost.

It was – and then cross the line. You mean cross the plate or some wording. It's tough when you jump from one analogy to another. It was hard. It was hard to get out of. All right. But maybe it was just a topic. I don't know the rules of the game.

I mean, was that the topic you chose? I tried to jump into it too fast, I think. The what? I tried to jump into it too fast. Like that's The what? I tried to jump into it too fast. Like, that's something that normally I have. I'm slower going into it, but I only had a minute, so I overthought it and got nervous and went through it. Fair enough.

You got nervous. Give him a point for honesty. Thank you. What's your name again? Are you a patriot? Do you have anything to say? I don't. Don't take it personal.

I think it was pretty good. I leave it to the professionals, because stand-up comedy is very difficult. Shit. Give him a nice hand. Yes. TIP. All right, good job.

Adam? Wait, wait, wait. Aaron, Tony? Oh, go ahead, Tony. Well, first of all, Brian reminded me of something very important, and that's that the name of this actual part of the show. Well, last week it was Tag It or Fag It.

It's spelled with a P-H, by the way, guys. Calm down. Sorry, Iron Patriot. Right, P-H, Fag It. But what it meant was either we would end up tagging the jokes, which, if you don't know, means adding on and helping out and punching up or whatever you want to call it. Which would be tag it and then fag it. With a PH.

With a PH meant we think it should just go in the garbage can and you should start anew. And Tony's getting nervous about the idea of the name. So do you guys want us to call it faggot with a PH or baggot? Taggot or baggot, which means put it in a bag. Taggot or baggot. You can't say the PH word. Don't do it. You want to work in this town? Drop it. Taggot and

baggot. Thank you. You know, I could be wrong. There's just a couple words I don't like, and that's one of them. I don't like that one. Even with a PH. There's a lot of... It's a podcast. We're lucky to have people here, right? You're right.

I feel like so many people are going to be against me when I make it in a couple years. The last thing I want are people like, hey, look, he was calling people faggots all the time because it's just... It's not even true. It was just a funny segment. Hey, look, man, if you still people faggots all the time because it's not even true. It was just a funny segment.

Hey, look, man, if you still hate Jews as much as me, then I don't care what you do. What? Oh, we're losing Brody's. He's just standing. Here's the deal. This is what I'm talking about. All right, so what do you think we should do, tag it or bag it?

Tag it or bag it and keep it moving. We've got a big list. Keep this thing going. 30-second intro. One-minute deal. One-and-a-half-minute comment. Next guy. Crank it.

Boom. Great job, Aaron. Am I right? Am I right? Sorry we didn't get to punch it up that well. Let's get some energy. Crank. Who's up next?

That was a bag it, by the way, right? That was a bag it. Yeah, definitely. Who's up next? That was a baguette, by the way, right? That was a baguette. Yeah, definitely. Who's up next? Put your hands together for Jerron Horton talking about... Yeah. What's he talking about? Ignant ninjas.

Ignant ninjas. It's cool being black, you know. We get a whole month to celebrate our history. But we're always complaining about having the shortest month to celebrate our history. You know who has a shorter time than us but never complains? Sharks. You know. It's cool. Chris Rock, he said it best when he said there's black people and there's niggas.

I'm tired of the ignorant niggas, y'all. For real. I'm convinced like all niggas hate the game Monopoly because you actually have to buy shit that appreciates in value over time. There aren't any Escalade dealerships or Foot Lockers on the board. Like, I'm guilty of it too, though.

Like, I remember the day I found out I was ignorant. It was the same day I got shot. And as I lay there... And, like, as I lay there bleeding, like, the first thing I thought was, damn, I can be a rapper now. And that's the end of that joke. Fuck yeah.

Killing it. Jerron Horton. Fucking love the shark joke. Love what's going on. Good writing. Really good writing. Thank you. Really well delivered.

I got to start thinking more in like punch up because I mean I guess you could probably tag that shark week joke with something you know. Yeah you could totally go into that more. Cause it's so good. Compare sharks to black guys. You know like damn

I got a shark dick or something. I don't know. What the fuck? It goes about sharks never complain. You got a good vibe up there. Good, cool vibe. Educated. I'm not big on the N-word.

That's just me. But I thought the shark joke was good. Good demeanor. Good voice. I say positive. It's like good personality came across. Yeah. The joke was good.

Spoke well. Something to work. What do you think, Tony? Yeah, I think it's really, really good. I wish I could think of something to help you out. But what I would say is take that and turn that minute into bigger, even longer because you could stay in the pocket there

and just try to really grind out some good ideas around those really, really, really well-written jokes. I mean, that way that Shark Week thing came across seems extremely hilarious. I would say... I would dress better because... Dress better? He's got a good style! It's alright. I would dress better because dress better. Yeah.

He's got a good style. It's all right. I mean, what do you mean? Just better. Like, well, I mean, it's just it's just a what do you mean? Yeah, I don't I don't believe in what kind of jeans are those? I'm just I'm just talking about the hoodie. It just seems collegiate.

Are you in college? I think you're no, I'm not. I'm not. I think you're better than your hoodie is what I'm saying. I think the hoodie is holding you back slightly. Or if you're going to get a hoodie, get a more stylish one. Right. Okay.

Definitely. Are you into sports? Is that why you're wearing that hoodie? No, I'm just into like fitting in out here. Fitting in? Oh. Well, you don't want to wear that. You think you want to fit in?

Look at the guy behind you. He's dressed as the Iron Man. Hey, Iron Patriot, what did you think about it? The glasses are very stylish. Very comfortable on stage. Delivery's rather smooth. I see big things for him if he continues to get on stage.

Yeah, I agree. I consider that a tagget. Jerron? Yes, yes, Jerronon how long have you been black for uh i'm kidding that's a just a kidding i just had to do that because it's fun to do i think you're fine good style keep doing it i could actually go in and ask more personal questions where are you from what are you doing because i have different opinions on that. If we're just totally basing this off the one minute and one minute only. Okay. All right.

Then let's not comment on clothes. We'll not comment on mic technique. And we'll comment on that one minute. No, it's about everything. It's about the one minute totally. So what they wear. Then they got to speed it up. What they do in a minute.

Everything in a minute. Okay, fair enough. It's not just about the one minute totally. So what they wear in a minute, what they do in a minute, everything in a minute. Okay, fair enough. It's not just about the absolute writing. Well, it's just hard because some of these guys, one minute is a tough thing to crank it all in. Yeah, we know that. I mean, definitely. Well, you're ripping the guy. These guys have been waiting two hours to do this one minute.

So let's keep it moving. Jerron Horton, everybody. Very excited about the next one. I know this guy. I've seen him tripping on acid. I've seen him with a broken foot many times. It just won't heal. He's going to be talking about cannabis.

His name is Jim, everybody. Look out, ladies. Coming right behind you. Hi, ladies. Here he is. There he is. Hi. My name is Jem.

That's G-E-M. And I recently had sex with a 24-year-old lady. Yeah. It was awesome. And it was all thanks to cannabis. Yeah. I grow medical cannabis as well as being a comedian. I'll let you guess what I make more money at.

All right. So I'm walking down Highland, and then there's this chick in a bikini. Long story short, she comes back to the house. I cuddle with her all night. The next day, I smoke one hit of the sledgehammer, blow it in her mouth, grabs my hand, takes me in the bedroom, fucks my brains out. 24-year-old girl is great. I'm 43. It was a treat. Now, the oldest lady I've ever had sex with was 54.

I did make out with a 70-year-old once. But in my defense, I was high on ecstasy. And he kept pouring the cocaine on his lips and making me lick it off. That was the only way I could have it.

All right, my name is Jim. Thank you. That's G-E-M. I love the fucking the 24-year-old. It isn't really a joke. You're just pretty much bragging about that. Yeah, you're bragging what drugs you do and that you fuck.

There wasn't even a punchline anywhere near that thing. I heard weed cocaine yeah but you segue into the part that actually has a punchline which is i once made out with the seven like that's actually a restart to a whole another joke i mean you you turned it into a segue you made it appear that way but in reality you did two jokes one about hooking up with a 24 year old-old that wasn't a joke. And then you talked about the 70-year-old. And the misdirect on that, if I caught it right, was that it was

a guy, right? And that you had done ecstasy and that you were actually doing cocaine or something like that. The 24-year-old and the 54-year-old were totally true. The 70-year-old was totally made up. The old male-female switch. That's what I was going to ask you about. The one thing that I thought of in it was, what was it like

making up with the 70-year-old? I don't know. Wow. Can I add something? Can I focus on the positive? Great storyteller. That was positive. Thank you. He made it visual. He told it with confidence, likability. I wasn't a fan of the

bait-and-switch kind of, you know, it's been done before at the end. But I kind of liked where you're going with. It was my first joke. I kind of like how you're going with the 43-year-old with the 24-year-old. It's an interesting story. Smoking the pot, selling the pot. You're likable. I would say keep doing it.

But, you know, watch those kind of jokes at the end. The switcheroo. They're good basic jokes, I guess. You could do those on the road. That's something you could do on the road. Go ahead, Tony. When you hooked up with the 24-year-old, you said that you blew smoke in her mouth. She asked me to blow a hit in her mouth, and I was like, okay.

So I blew one hit of my sledgehammer in her mouth. How long did you talk to this girl for before? She spent night before we smoked the herb how uh so this was the morning after yeah but we didn't have sex we just she took a bath and in bath and I read I read I read Frederick Nietzsche's uh beyond good and evil to her so she was homeless no she was not no how not homeless no no how How fat was she? Mugs are fat. Why does it get quiet? Why does it get quiet on that?

She was hefty. There you go. There you go. Definitely. That changes the story. That's one of the worst jokes ever. Hey. He loved you.

What are you talking about? He built it up like she was hot. And if you think about it. Everybody settle down. She was fat with rosacea. Brody. And those are fixable offenses. How fat was she?

Was the bath your idea after you smelled her? Oh, Tony, you took it to another level. Oh, come on. She wasn't that hefty. Brody, settle down. I don't mind BBWs as long as they have a pretty face. I thought her face was pretty. Wait a second.

How did the bath come up? How did she drop that on you? Can I take a bath at your house? For people that are just listening to the audio right now, what would you say Jim looks like, Brody? I'll let you say because people say I'm too mean when I do. He's truly outrageous.

He looks like a guy with long hair, kind of like a Tommy Chong vibe. I'll take that. I like it, like a smart guy. He has Smokes Pot. He's been around, hung out in San Francisco maybe in the early 70s, mid-70s. Early 90s. Late 70s. Early 90s.

Yeah, you're my age. Early 90s. But you're an old soul. Oh, yes, yes. Definitely. You act older than you are, and that makes being with a 24-year-old even more of a turn on.

Oh, God, it was awesome. It was brilliant. By the way, it was nice. 24 is too old for me. Oh, Brian, you sicko. No, I'm being honest. That's like marriage girl. 24 is marriage girl.

All right. She's learned her lessons. To Brian and I, 24 makes you a is marriage girl. Like, all right, she's learned her lessons. To Brian and I, 24 makes you a cougar. Yeah. Absolutely. I'll go to Brazil and do a 16-year-old. You need to go down there and push it to the limit. Jim, the joke is really, I feel like you have to reveal that it's a bigger girl

and that she took a bath. The first thing was that, I mean... I only had a minute. I only had a minute. I was wanting to make sure I got into the 70-year-old. That was the joke.

You went to a misdirect, Brody. Will you settle down? Just relax, Brody. Oh, I get it. I'm getting attacked. Just be comfortable. Please don't touch me. I know he has a...

Don't touch me. I know he has a minute, Brody, but he went into a totally different story instead of talking about... He needs punchlines for the 24-year-old. He needs to punch a 24-year-old?

I think you need to make it 19 or 18. Just say 19. 19's a nice number. It rolls off the tongue nice. 19's good. It feels better on the tongue than a 24-year-old. Yeah, exactly. Very good. 19 is good. Make it creep free beer.

Just switch it. That's okay. Do you live by yourself, Jim? What? You live by yourself? Me and my dog. Oh, nice. Of course he does.

I mean, yeah. Make it a snake. All right, let's keep it moving. Keep it moving. That's Jim, everybody. Yeah, make it a snake. That's great work. I think I should do it in a minute.

Tony, you're not going to send me an evil text, are you? No, no, it's fine. Brody, look at me. Why do you keep looking over there? Look at me, Brody. It's okay, Brody. Because I'm fat and I'm just lying this direction. I'm trying to cover up my stomach.

These meds make me put on weight. Hollywood put me on medication. I'm starting a workout this week, 24-hour fitness. I'm losing 30 pounds in two months. You want to do it? How are you going to do that? Look at that. Easy.

How? Easy. I'll help. All right, let's do it. I'm losing 30 pounds in two months. You want to do it? How are you going to do that? Look at that. Easy. How? Easy. I'll help. Alright. Let's do it. I'm already cutting out soda. Cool. I had an orange crush for lunch. You got it. Eating local. Pastrami on rye. Pay a couple

extra bucks to get some personality. See you later, Subway. I go to an original sandwich artist. His name is Herman the German. All right. What do you mean all right, Tony? How dare you? You and your veggie grill.

I'm excited about... Oh, okay. Well, this is a new name to me. I'm excited to see what we're... Oh, marriage from Felipe Ramirez, everybody. Here we go. Felipe Ramirez. Felipe Ramirez.

Ramirez, what happened? Oh, snap. INS show up? Oh. See, there you go. He's on a bus back to Tijuana as we speak. I love how Brody can talk about whatever he wants, but every time I even get close to a slight dull edge,

it's, oh, Tony, how dare you? The guy's not here, a Latino guy, and I said INS showed up. That's just a basic joke. Let me see if he's sleeping your back. Oh, that's racist. What? That's racist.

He actually cut my lawn this morning. Luckily, a bunch of people signed up, even though there's more spots Keep it moving, good job Tony Henshaw Put your hands together You know what there's not enough jokes about that I've noticed Is thought that counts From Nick

Bouvier Bouvier or something You actually got it right Bouvier? Wow Awesome French Oh sorry, go ahead

Nick everybody, there he is I really hate when people say inconsiderate shit She got it right. Bouvier? Wow. Bouvier. Bouvier. Yeah. Awesome. French. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Nick, everybody. There he is. I really hate when people say inconsiderate shit like I love you or it's the thought that counts is the one that really pisses me off. It's the thought that counts pisses me off more than you realize. There's no lazier way to tell me that you're a negligent friend than it's the thought that counts. Like if you buy me a pair of socks for Christmas negligent friend than it's the thought that counts like if

you buy me a pair of socks for christmas and you tell me it's the thought that counts obviously you don't think that much of me uh yeah so it's a new thing so obviously i love it oh why'd you stop i don't have much it's new so i don't really have much after that. So that's kind of what I'm trying to say. All right. You want to – my opinion? Yeah, go ahead. I would say I don't even know what the bit was, but I think you have good, strong presence up there. Like hold the mic. I mean you actually – see how he holds the mic? Yeah.

It was six inches from his face. Yeah, it was good. But I didn't see the bit, but I think – I mean, I saw it, but like, likability matters. You want to maybe come off with a little bit of a smile, how you doing, that kind of thing. Like I said, I like how you enunciate. I like how you held the mic. But I think a little more likability up front, a smile, how you doing. And again, I know you're like, it's a one-minute thing and what have you, but I think that's what

I picked up. I agree with that smile thing. You could definitely pull off because you already seem likable. I think that is definitely a missing part. Maybe it's just because of the one-minute set. Well, he's a big guy, too. Wait, that was a 30-second set, by the way.

How long have you been doing stand up for oh i thought you said stand up for me um i'm like why that's weird and kind of creepy yeah uh no i'm new i'm like a couple months in like really oh also one thing i picked up you don't need to curse i i think saying shit or saying fuck or whatever it's like you don't need to say them you can use it some people say it use it as a crutch some people use it as a punch line some people use it out of nervousness i would say if we don't know you you're just getting started i see somebody cursing i this is just me i go how dare he i don't want to hear shit and fuck i don't know this guy you know that's just my instinct whereas i just think it's a healthy

thing to like, when you're starting out, I wouldn't curse. But I'm not, you know, again, that's the rule, not the exception. I disagree with Brody again. Oh, you son of a... You son of a bitch! I say if you curse in real life, you curse in person, and that's the

biggest thing that if... I thought your presentation was very... If you talked to me like that, I thought you'd be selling me something. It seems you're very strict. You should just talk in the mic how you'd be talking to your best friend. Do you swear in real life like that? All the fucking time, actually. I don't like it.

I don't like it. Call me old school. There's a reason why you can't say shit on NBC and they buy the Olympics well if you want to go watch Channel 9 and watch FX and your fuck they're not buying the Olympics and there's also a reason why people are downloading their stand-up comedy now and not watching it on NBC like they used to have to and it's not thinking any five years out talk about real things and in five years I that would be bought the Olympics. Everybody wants to be on Comedy Central, right? I think so.

Yeah, I agree. Well, I don't curse and I made it there. I didn't say one curse word on my half hour special. There you go. Absolutely. I do not want to be

on Comedy Central. Right. Not everybody wants to be on TV. It's just a bad... I think it's... Especially when you're starting, I think it's a good idea not to curse.

You watch... They say fucking shit on the Super Bowl. It's a good idea to try to write around it, but it's also a great idea to work on being yourself. And if that's who you really are and that's how you... I don't want to hear it then. Then you're out. If a guy's saying fucking shit...

But you swear on stage. ...and he's a three-months guy. But you cuss on stage. When my buttons are pushed and I've earned the right, I don't swear when I do audience warm up. No way. Well, right, because Because what? Because there's repercussions when you're doing audience warm up. There's repercussions

when I'm watching a comedian who I haven't seen and he's saying fucking shit. What are the repercussions? I won't hire him. What are you hiring for? What business what side business are you running? I have some say in some things. Just to help you move or something?

What are they auditioning for? I have some say in something. You're doing good. I like you. But you're a big guy. You're strong. You got buttoned up already. Loosen up a little bit. I would definitely loosen up a little bit. Loosen up a top button without a doubt. There you go.

All right, that was good. Definitely. Thank you. I would definitely lose the top button. His outfit's tighter than the Iron Patriots. The Iron Patriots squeaking over there at times. I love it. You need some WD-40 for your...

I've been working out. Sorry for getting heated, Tony. I apologize. Oh, it's okay. You're very emotional. I cut back on my Klonopin. Really? Yeah, I take a half of Klonopin. Wow. As opposed to a full one. No withdrawal.

No withdrawal. Does your psychiatrist know about this? Did it against her will. She told me to take more. I said, I'm taking less. No. And now I'm seeing things. Iron Patriot, can you do me a favor and shine your lights in that guy's eyes that's sleeping right there? Hey, Jordan, wake up, you son of a bitch. What the fuck, Jordan? Jordan, this guy's lost 100 pounds in, what, six months?

It's like a world record. Yeah, he's over there dying. He's holding up his head right now like he's fucking. All right, let's keep it moving, everybody. That's impressive. Alright, keep it moving. Who's next? I'm excited about this next one because this sounds like a rap title of a stage name. Here we go. 20,000 made in two months,

is it, what we're talking about? And the name is Lil Bro. Hell yeah, here he is. Oh, snap. The hoodie is because I get cold. The hoodie is because I get cold. The cap is because I'm going bald. And I'm dressed because I wasn't planning on coming on stage. I made $20,000 since I've been out here, right?

I know y'all wondering how you make $20,000 in less than three weeks. I go to Beverly Hills and kidnap their dogs and wait for them to post rewards. That's how it's done. Go to Beverly Hills and kidnap their dogs and wait for them to post rewards. And if you want to do this, you can't go to Beverly Hills right now because it's a little hot over there. You need a black town car, a black suit, black hat, and a black tie. It's got to be about 2009 or newer because after that they'll pull you over in a 74 town car. Like, woo-woo! And you can't stop

in Beverly Hills. You got to just slow down. You can't stop over there if you're black. Stop your ass. That's my time. Hilarious. Very good. Absolutely fucking hilarious joke. You know, I told you to loosen up and not cuss and you changed your whole style

whoa racist what happened I got racist what happened check check two two I thought it was really good great joke up front. Stealing the dogs. Likeable.

Got a good style. Confident. Totally. I say keep doing what you're doing. Absolutely. And nice watch color. You can make that one. That's another type of joke

where it could be such an even... That's when you know a joke's good is when it should be an even bigger bit. You know what I mean? Who threw that at me? I don't know. What are you doing? I was showing them my watch. We're both wearing a G-Shock, but you don't see that connection.

No, I mean I was just – Hey, it's all about Casio. $14, Kmart. Looks the same. Who cares? This is a better watch. All right. I thought that was good.

You know what was also good? What's your name, by the way? Lil Bro. Lil Bro. You went up there and you described what you were wearing. I'm wearing a jacket. I'm wearing a hat. You did that.

I'm making $20,000. It's interesting. You set it up well. You spoke well. I know you only had a minute. I thought it was really good. Really cool. Really awesome.

Make it bigger. Great show. Here he goes. Lil Bro. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was good. Really awesome. Make it bigger. Great show. Thank you. Here he goes. Lil Bro. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was good. All right. Keeping it bumping over here.

Talking about dating, everybody. It's David Neeker. Thank you so much. Before I get started, I just want to say that I should be able to marry the person that I love. And I wish the Supreme Court would make it the law. Because right now, she won't even reply to my emails. Thank you. I am dating. I'm trying internet dating.

Internet dating is not going so well. I like to get to know a woman before I have sex with her. The trick is to get to know her enough to want to have sex with her before she gets to know me enough to not want to have sex with me. When it comes to women, I've got the Midas touch. Every woman I touch puts on the brakes. Guaranteed. Thank you, Andre Biker.

Fuck yeah. Ended strong. Yeah, totally. Go ahead. You want to start first? No, I like you going first, Brody. All right. The Midas joke, to me, seems like it's been done before. I got to research that joke.

I wrote it. You did write it? I wrote that joke. First joke I ever wrote. Okay, go ahead. That's my joke. Okay, this is what I do. This is what I do.

That's what happens when you write a joke like that. You start doing comedy. No. The joke happens first, and then you're like, you know what? I think this one has to get a laugh. But you know what? When you come up with something, this is what I do. This is just me.

When I come up with a joke or a short joke or a funny like that joke, I have the Midas touch with women when I go for that. They put the brakes on. To me, it's a clever – I'm not saying it's not clever. It's a wordplay joke, but it seems like I would research that one. I stop a joke the minute I hear something similar. For the most part I do that. So I would not be so

married to that joke. Number one. It sounds like a street joke. And I'm not saying you didn't write it but I'm saying it's got to be somewhere else. I've never heard it before. That's my joke. Thank you though. I appreciate it. I take it as a compliment. But it's a good joke. Okay. Also the beard is different.

The beard is different. I think with you, it's just like just keep doing it and getting more comfortable and more confident. That's what I say. Right. I totally agree. I think that finding a comfort zone in the beginning you know figuring out a way to build that connection because the first joke felt like it was

you delivered it like it was a stock joke you know what I mean what was it again the one with the Supreme Court making a marriage oh right yeah and on that note I think that you can hype that up more in the beginning by you have to spell it out more on the top end where you're saying

you really have to make it look like you're gay for a second, you know, to build that up before you give the reveal that it's a she. Because as it is, there's only like a second you say the Supreme Court won't let me get married or whatever, because she, it just needs

more set up for the punchline on that. The old switcheroo. Okay, so what's the Midas touch joke? I got the Midas touch where I put the moves on women, they put the brakes on. Yeah, every woman I touch puts on the brakes. Brody's Googling this right now. I like, I thought, honestly, I thought you, at the beginning, it was kind of, you know, touch and go, just because there's more, I think.

I'm honored that Brody thinks I stole that joke, but that is my joke. No because there's more, I think I'm honored that Brody thinks I stole that joke, but that is my joke No, but I thought that saying you stole it Right Every joke is like that though, Brody. I never heard it before It was a good joke

Thank you Have you? Who's heard the Midas touch joke? Breaks. She put the brakes on. The Midas touch. I'm still researching. I'm not going to... Have you? I think I should defend it. Did you? It's my joke.

I wrote it. You might have heard it here. It's my joke. You might have heard it here from David Meeker. It's my joke. I wrote it. I believe him. I love it.

Absolutely. No, I agree. I think everybody's in agreeance with that. I think Brody's just checking to see if it's been come up with before. I think Brody's just mad that he shaved his beard and it's not as glorious and romantic as yours, sir. Thank you very much for coming.

David Gainer, everybody. Thank you so much. David, can you text me the whole joke so I can just cut and paste it into Google? I have to. I've got the Midas touch. Half is meds. Whenever

I make the moves. Does anybody have any extra Kalana pin on them? You guys are in for a treat talking about homeless guys. It's Nina B. She is. She is. Good evening. I've got an English accent and I'm still a bit confused about

homeless guys since I've been here. In the past two months I've had three homeless guys jerk off in front of me. Should I be complimented or insulted? Thank you. But it's still confusing or insulted? Oh, thank you. But it's still confusing.

It's like, is there a quota for this? It's a city quota. The first time it happened, I thought the guy was having a seizure. I was like, are you okay? Are you all right? Okay, all right. I'll just leave you.

You're good. You're good. The second time I come out of work, the guy's sitting by my car and he looks really upset i get out five here's five dollars are you okay uh um should i wait i'll just put it down here he was so sweet he said thank you you know they're really polite but i told my friend this and she's like, Ooh, homeless guys jerking off. Ooh.

And I was like, why? And she said, well, I mean, can't they go around a corner or behind a car? You know, why do you,

you know, they become homeless. There you go. Very nice. Hell yeah. Um, fuck. Yeah.

So that's exciting. Homeless guys jerking off. It's happening, huh? That's the highlight of hilarious so far. I would definitely own it instead of having your punchline be a question when you say, I don't know if I was insulted

or I don't know whether it was an insult or a compliment. I would definitely go either way with it and flip it so that you actually have something to say so that you're not ending it in a question. Like I wasn't... First I was insulted and, you know, something... In your own way or whatever, you could say something like, you know, at first I was insulted, but then I took it as a compliment

and it still would need a tag or something to be... And then you, I don't know, you go into a seizure thing. I was distracted because I saw, heard Iron Man get a blowjob. I was distracted by the masturbation. A boner, I mean. Oh, my God. What are you doing? I thought it seemed more like a story.

Like you're telling a friend a story of something that happened. So it was kind of like, I was like, wait. Kind of interested. Like, wait, what's going on? It wasn't, I don't know, I just kind of... It seems like it needs to be trimmed and tagged. You know what I mean? It just seemed like it was a story.

I was waiting, kind of like, trying to focus and figure out what happened. I don't know. I, um... You know, you have an accent. Did you mention you're from another country? Figure out what happened. I don't know. You know, you have an accent. Did you mention you're from another country? Yes.

What country again? England. England. I like that. You've got a Tracy Ullman vibe. Very Tracy Ullman. That's a compliment. I'm looking at you as a piece of meat right now.

Do you have a boyfriend? Oh, my God. What? You ever been to the valley at night? No. How long are you here in America for? I've been in America for two years before this. I'm here indefinitely. Really?

Yeah. So what do you do? You're into dogs? It's like the dog bone. I like it. No. She's a piece of meat. I spray paint.

Spray painting. You're a tagger? Yes, I am. Are you Banksy? Pardon? Are you Banksy? We're testing you right now. Am I Banksy? I may be.

I say keep doing it. You know, you've got good stage presence. How long have you been doing comedy for? I did do it for 18 months, and then I fell off stage, broke my leg. I didn't have health insurance. Wait a second. Wait, what? Wait a second. That's a great story. You fell off stage, broke my leg, didn't have health insurance. Wait a second. Wait, what? That's a great story.

You fell off stage doing stand-up your first time? No, no. I've been doing it for 18 months. I was actually getting somewhere. First of all, I've got to tell you something. It's not like a baby. Once you've been doing stand-up for over a year, you just say you've been doing it for over a year.

18 months. That's not how we keep time here in America. People are going to think you're completely insane if you answer that 18 months. Say almost two years, a year and a half, or a year. So you started when you were like 22 and a half.

Never mind. I think you have good stage presence. I think you just keep doing it Don't worry about it It takes a while Talk about yourself more You got a nice bubbly personality You have confidence

Don't worry about the jokes What did I do wrong? You grossed out by me doing that joke Was I grossed out? I was researching some others About having sex with a homeless guy? No I didn't Were you talking about homeless people right? out? Why was researching some other... About having sex with a homeless guy? Jesus.

Were you talking about homeless people, right? They were masturbating to her. What do you think about the Iron Patriot? Are you into something? Can I say something? As a compliment? What did the Iron Patriot just say?

Hold on a second. I think she's a beautiful girl, and there's not very many women in comedy, so I think she's got a good chance if she just keeps it up. I can't make you laugh. I agree. Can I say something? What's your name? Nina. Nina?

You know, it's like, oh, my leg's falling asleep. You look great, but the sweater, it's like you're covering up. I say, like, show off your body a little bit. Give off a little sex appeal. Wow. It was nice meeting you. Damn. Am I wrong with that?

My leg's asleep. Hold on. I think I'm right. Okay. Anyway. What do you mean anyway, Tony? I didn't like that you... That's a pretty big insult to tell a female comedian to show some more skin.

Oh, thank you. My leg fell asleep. I didn't say show more skin, but show your body. When you're layered like that, it's like going on stage with a jacket. My leg's asleep. I didn't like... The sweater felt like it was hiding something. It was a distraction.

Sorry. So hate me like it. The sweater felt like it was hiding something. It was a distraction. Sorry. So hate me for that. Tony. Brody, it's okay. When your leg falls asleep, Brody, when your leg falls asleep, doesn't it tickle so much that if anyone were to touch it, no one would... What do you mean anybody? When my leg falls asleep, if anyone touches

it, I will probably die. No, it feels weird. Let me ask Lainey. Can I ask you a question? Was I wrong or out of line saying I would like to see her up here without the sweatshirt? It felt like she was kind of like, it would have made a different impression. Without the sweatshirt. She's really pretty and she would have been very cute in a six-year outfit.

Yeah. Why not play on that is Is what I'm saying. I say don't take it as a slam. Everyone's uncomfortable. Well, he's probably going to want to see more skin from this next comedian because it's a man, everybody. Oh, you son of a bastard. Talking about dating site commercials and sex toys. Put your hands together for Tom Connors.

Yeah. So I just moved out of my grandma's house. I haven't enjoyed pornography in a fucking year now. I've been getting off on Christian Mingle commercials and shit like that. Oh, she would fall for all of my bullshit, yes!

And it's never in line of family-friendly sex products from Trojan. I'm glad for that. Iron Patriot, get closer to the stage. I can't wait to see their take on anal beads. It'll be nice and small and non-threatening. It'll be good. I forgot the next line.

Fuck it. I forgot the next line. Fuck it. Very good. I think that was enough. I love your style. How long have you been doing stand-up for? There you go.

Second time? Second time? Wow. You are a badass motherfucker for doing this show. I got great advice for you. Your second time. Oh, you know me? Oh, wow. Hi, nice to meet you.

Oh, cool. Wow. Look at that, everybody. I inspired Tom Connors, everyone. Tom, I got it. Thank you, Tom. That's a beautiful moment. I have some advice for you, Tom. That's a beautiful moment. I have some advice for you, Tom.

There's a show after this called The Ding Dong Show, and I think you'd be a great fit for that. You're a character. I grew up in a house full of strippers. I got ding dong jokes. Yeah. Where are you from? Indio, down in the desert.

Oh, my mom lives in Palm Rancho Mirage. Can you check on her tonight? My mom has probably slept with your mom. Okay, let's not push it. My mom's not a lesbian. My mom went to Fairfax High School. She banged dudes. Who's the guy from The Hangover

that the guy that's not Zach and not Bradley Cooper. Ed Helms? He looks like Ed Helms? He looks a lot like Ed Helms. You do a little bit. I had no idea.

That's a compliment. You know who Ed Helms is? No, he doesn't. He's on the off. You have internet at home? What are you talking about? What do you mean? Look at him.

Not really. Okay. Well, he has a shaved head. What's the guy that's in the bathroom that's like that movie, the army movie? He's a spy. Yes. What's the guy that's in the bathroom that's like that movie, the army movie? Private Pyle. Yes. That's also true.

Platoon? It does look like Private Pyle as well. Were you in full metal jacket? No, but I was in the Marine Corps. Give him a nice hand. An American hero. I was in the Marines too. 1994.

You got it. Iraqi soldier. Fucking Ed Hel 1994. You got it. Iraqi soldier. Fucking Ed Helms. Nobody got my joke. It's one of my best jokes ever. I wrote it. But I'm sure other people do. All right.

What else we got? What was that cat noise? I'm trying to get a Jack and Coke. Sorry. All right. Who's up next? Well, you know what? We were talking about women before.

And the subject written down here is women. Put your hands together for David Doorward, everybody. All right. I'll bring the sex appeal, Brody. Don't worry. I'm joking. I recently had someone tell me I look like I do solo masturbation scenes in porn.

Yeah. What is that how am i supposed to respond to that they just heard me tell that downstairs god damn it uh yes um i do love women i wrote that down uh tell you when people are disrespectful to women okay you guys like i think one of the most disrespectful things you'd say to a woman this day and age just like bitch make me a sandwich you know like that's terrible why would you say that so i was so awkward the other day i saw someone walk up to a woman and he was just like bitch make me a sandwich it was terrible because all she could say back to him was just welcome to subway, fellas. You got to keep them in line at the Subway.

All right. That's the joke. Thank you. Woo-hoo! Fuck yeah. Now, before we get to Subway, which, you know, all right. What's interesting is that Brody was just searching Dave Neeker for jokes and

Brody actually has a joke about solo masturbation. So I'm wondering if I have a feeling that perhaps David Dorward wrote it first and... That's right. You a-hole!

You don't talk to me, though. What's the joke? What's your joke? You know what? Actually, an employee at the comedy store told me that, so... What?

Solo scene? Yes. He told me I look like I do solo masturbation scenes in porn. Who said that to you? Had to be Ricky Luna, right? There you go.

Who was it? Ricky Luna. There you go. Ricky Luna, who's seen my act probably a lot, working the door. Absolutely.

So he's selling off my jokes? He tells every guy. Oh, shit. He tells every guy. Oh, my God. He probably wanted to be with you. Yeah. He was hitting on you.

That's what I figured. Yeah, he was definitely hitting on you. He tells every guy that walks up to the back door that he wants to see them do solo masturbation porn. That's my bit. He's the only employee here that actually blows other male employees in the parking lot. Solid New Year's Eve. Ryan Mervis. Wait, is that

now? It's out there now. This is unedited, raw, and fun. I think you're fine. Just keep doing it. I sort of saw Subway coming. I think you could double down. If you're going to do it, I think you're fine. Just keep doing it. You got... I sort of saw Subway coming. I think you could double down.

If you're going to do it, I think you could double misdirect it and say, you know, this is a goofier store like a JCPenney or a Kaufman's or something. I don't know. Because I think... Did you guys feel like Subway was coming?

Right. Okay. Dillard's? Dillard's is a funny word. Dillard's? Dillard's is a funny word? Dillard's is funny. There you go. I would say that you saw him say, bitch, make a sandwich to somebody,

and then she's like, this is Dillard's or something like that. I don't know, though. You've got to write it yourself. I would just say that it would be, you feel Subway coming. Okay. Bitch, make a sandwich.

Could have done Quiznos. Jersey Mike's. Oh, those are delicious. It's a guy, too. You want a Jersey Mike's? All the Mike's? And it's a guy. And you say bitch to a girl.

Do you want a Mike's way? That's what he says? I don't know anymore. I don't know. I'm sorry, Brian. I would bag it. I'd bag it. I'd bag it.

There he goes. David Dorwood. The Patriot. The Patriot. The Patriot gave him the blast away with the light. Did you notice that? Like when he walked out, he goes like this, and he walked away. So it made it look like he had some powers there. Oh, my God.

How many more do we got? Because we got... How long do we got? We got about 10 minutes. Awesome. I think we might be able to knock it out. Put your hands together for Cancer Walks is the name of the show. From Elise Martin.

Here's Elise, the lovely Elise, getting a high five from the Iron Patriot. Hi, how's it going? So I'm a teacher. You're supposed to clap for that. Thanks. I teach in downtown Los Angeles. My favorite part about teaching poor kids is that it doesn't matter.

My friends always ask me, Elise, why are you doing stand-up? Why are you doing teaching? Don't you want to own a home? Don't you want to be a homeowner? I plan on owning a home just as soon as my parents die. So everyone's into running races these days. I'm into 5k's, I'm

into 10k's, but the one race I won't do are cancer walks. It's too competitive. No one has tits. Is that too mean? I did that joke for my mom's friend who has cancer on Mother's Day. She laughed. So I'm a woman doing comedy and I just feel like I owe it to women in history before me like Joan of Arc or like Mother Teresa or like Amelia Earhart Amelia Earhart, the first woman to prove

that women shouldn't drive thanks guys yeah love it now the sweater looks really good on you I would say for Now, the sweater looks really good on you. I would say for you, keep the sweater. I think you're doing great.

Just keep doing what you're doing. You know, like good stage presence, good speaking, likable. I know you have like the dark little edge at the end, but, you know, I think you're on the right track. That's my feeling. Go ahead, Tony. Tony's a material guy. I just thought, like, yeah, your presentation was good. That's my feeling. Go ahead, Tony. Tony's a material guy. I just thought your presentation was good. Your confidence was good.

I feel like the more you do it, you'll just get better and better. I really like the cancer walks joke, the flat-chested thing. It's kind of harsh. That's the second time I've done that one. Talking to the mic. Talking to the mic when you respond. That's the second time I've done it.. Talking to the mic. Talking to the mic when you respond. That's the second time I've done it.

What do you say again? That it's competitive? It's too competitive. No one has tits. Right. Your school, your teaching joke was good. I thought your material was really great. Obviously this is a one minute set so it would be really cool to see you do longer sets with that material and stuff.

I thought you were doing awesome. You look awesome hot sexy you want to fuck all right how long have you how long how long have you been doing stand-up um actually i just had my one year anniversary uh like a couple days ago okay um i would definitely say stretch out the cancer walks talk more about why it might be more competitive uh why uh you know i don't know maybe something has to do with the color pink like you could get into it more and more i. Why, you know, I don't know, maybe something that has to do with the color pink. Like, you could get into it more and more. I would tag that more. Normally, sometimes, last week,

I was coming up with more stuff, but I'm sort of just... Tony is a tag master. I would say, again, yes. I mean, if you're doing cancer jokes, you're good, and you're walking that fine line. I think. Right, between funny and hilarious.

Yeah. I agree. Okay. If you want to do that, go ahead. Throw cuss words in it. I'm just telling you. The only thing that's missing is a couple of fucks and shits. I'm telling you from – I just know how sensitive people are.

I know. And you're talking about fundamentals and it's great and it makes sense. And that's why there's always a different guest, and it's great, and it makes sense, but and that's where, that's why, you know, there's always a different guest here, and it's always going to be different, and one thing between you and I, you're very clean, you're extremely clean, and I'm extremely clean. I'm not extremely clean. Oh, you're definitely extremely

clean. Yeah. Jerking off on a Ferris wheel is clean? Somebody's got to wipe it up. Well, that's not one of the ones that you did in your half hour. Yeah, I did. Well, there you go. Then you did jerking off jokes in your first half hour on TV. It's not cursing. The bottom line is...

Did you curse during the set? I don't remember. I might have said the S word. I'm just saying, like, again, I think you're doing great. I just read flags for me when I see new comedians doing dark

edgy stuff how many milligrams of hypocrite are you on I said new I said new if I was a brand new comedian that should get a big laugh but I've been doing it

20 years I say it's a funny cancer joke and then you say you shouldn't be doing a cancer joke to somebody like we're really I mean Brody it's a different age and it's starting to evolve and it's all going to turn into

one internet box so i don't think people need to be afraid of look at bieber here's the deal justin bieber because i he's an internet guy right people hate him now and he's popular but you know what the people who really make decisions are going to go f you bieber right and he might laugh I hate that guy, right? People hate him now. And he's popular. But you know what? The people who really make decisions are going to go, F you, Bieber. Right. And he might laugh all the way to the bank. Right. But America and values, they don't like to hear young people or fresh people doing offensive stuff.

I don't. And I've got power. You keep changing it from young people to comedians. So which one is it? Young comedians. Oh, wow. I which one is it? Young comedians. Oh, wow. I'm just saying it's a red flag. Okay, let's ask Lainey again.

Lainey, what's your feeling when you hear... I'm not saying the joke wasn't funny, but when you hear a cancer joke with a breast lopped off. Kind of bothers me. Thank you. Of course, that's Lainey. That's the Comedy Store mother. That's not the target market she's looking for.

Middle America, CBS. These guys over at the Crazy Norwegians. Where are they from? Where are you from? We're from Iceland. Okay. All they're into is Bjork there. It's very happy.

Not really. Bjork and... Let's ask the Iron... Okay, Iron Man. The final opinion. Cancer jokes or no cancer jokes? I think she has nice skin. That's a melanoma joke.

Thank you very much. Very funny. And now, talking about white guys, it's Bianca Yates. White guys. Look out, Iceland. The whitest guys. It's Bianca Yates. White guys. Look at Iceland. The whitest guys. The whitest.

Guys, have you ever seen an ugly person jogging and thought, oh, that's really kind of pointless for you? Me neither. Hey, I used to date this guy that didn't know he wasn't black.

He used to insist on calling me boo. I was patient with him for a while, but I got so tired of pretending to be scared all the time. Like, hey, boo. Ah! Didn't see you there. Again, we have to talk. So I'm single now, which I love. Nobody believes me.

Right? When a girl says she loves being single, like, be honest. What you hear is like, oh, hey, I'd love to have someone to share my dreams and hopes with but not if it's cutting into my eating cheese alone and crying time okay thanks guys yeah um fuck yeah the the Fuck yeah. The boo. The boo. What did you just say to me? I said, have I dated her? Boo? I say boo to everybody,

including my dad. There needs to be more to that one for sure. Either that or bag it. I would say it would need it because you set it up like he doesn't know that he's black but all he's saying is the boo thing so you would need more.

But it's a minute. Alright well I guess it's better to do one subject at a time than the best part of each joke. I think when people do this but I mean it's everybody's first time. Well, okay, so what would

you say about... Is that the whole joke or are you saying that it's only a minute? I'm saying is that when you were talking about the boo thing, the white guy acting that didn't know he was black, is that the whole joke or did you only do specific part of a joke because you knew it was a minute? The boo part is

the main part. Part of that setup, which was... So you would say build on the fact that he doesn't know that he's not black? Or the boo thing. Right, what I'm saying is the only time he was white was Blah Biddy Blah, and another thing that he did that was black was Blah Biddy Blah. Okay. Well, yeah, because you set it up like this guy was always black,

but you only give one little boot. It's a boo joke. I'd bag it. I'd bag it I'd bag it Okay here we go My name is Stephen Brody-Siemens What's her name again? This is Bianca

Bianca Good energy I liked it I could see you doing commercials I see an improv energy I see like an actor energy Actress energy I'm not saying don't do stand up

When I see you up there I say this, I'd put you in a commercial. I'd put you like, are you an actress? Yeah. Okay. I see that. Do you do commercials? Do you have a commercial agent? No.

Brody, you should get her one. All right. Hold on. Hold on. I'm from Canada. But I do. You have good actress energy, improv energy. I'm not saying don't do stand-up you know it's like

i think your your your your strength is you you're acting this and that kind of stuff so i think the jokes will somehow catch up to your mannerisms i wouldn't worry i mean i always say yeah jokes matter but it's about stage time. It really is. You can focus and really tag and tag and tag and tag and do this, but you've got to get up on stage and stage and stage. Bottom line is I think you've got good energy and just keep doing it. Yeah, I totally agree. What do you think? You haven't said that yet.

You have good beats. I'd say definitely keep doing it, like Brody said. I like the boo joke. I think you should keep doing it, like Brody said. I like the boo joke. I think you should really actually go into a boo joke. Oh, there's conflicting. I know there's conflictions because I use the word boo, honestly, 40 times a day. You love boo. I like when you say boo.

I think it's a nice word to say. The only time. It's comforting. It's like a hug with your mouth. But it's turned into something different. But what's the joke? He calls you hey, boo? He calls me boo.

I like that. Is it short for honey boo boo? No. That could be something maybe. In a world where unfunny things are funny. Where are you from originally? Montreal. Montreal.

Home of a powerful comedy festival just for laughs. So you speak French also? Oui, yeah. It is tough when you have the minute up here because if you had more minutes, you could say, do you talk about you're from Canada? I have before, since coming here, yeah,

because I didn't have to mention it at home. I've only been here for a couple months. Oh, really? You need a place to stay? Why is that weird? I offer lodging. Brody, you're our female fashion expert tonight. What do you think about the way she's dressed?

I like it. Maybe you could lose the jacket. You know what? I feel like I knew you were going to say that. I notice he never says put on more clothes. No, but the girl before, I felt the sweater was Bianca. I felt the sweater was really good. I felt the sweater was really good and Kate B or whatever.

She needed Elise. Elise was good. You're Bianca? She's my boo. Are you Bianca? I think the black jacket you could lose and the girl with the orange sweater. Lose the sweater, but Elise, your sweater looks good. It was sexy.

Do you want Brody to take off any clothes? I'm out of shape, Tony. I'm on medication. It's bloated me up. Is that why you're... Okay. Say it, Tony. You have the balls to say it on the internet.

I was going to say, is that why you're lowering your dosage? It was an actual question. Oh, thank you for being honest, Tony. By the way, does your psychiatrist know that you lowered your dosage? Don't say anything. I want this podcast taken off the air immediately

If she finds out, I can get in big trouble Hollywood will suspend me from SAG Bianca, thank you so much Put your hands together for Bianca Bianca, thank you Alright, do you want another minute? Matt Segan Thanks, I am Patriot Thanks guys, big fans, love this first week of the podcast

This week's awesome too I'm Matt Segan And I'm depressed I'm depressed And I'm trying to put myself on the right medication And the right dosage But I'm confused And put myself on the right medication and the right dosage. But I'm confused.

And I'll tell you why. The names of these things. Who's coming up with the names of these antidepressants? Are these just Harry Potter spells? No, listen to this. Abilify! Lexapro? Sounds like Harry Potter spells to me and while we're on that

I don't trust it because Harry Potter I don't trust why? because they're wizards right? and so they use magic instead of medicine you break your arm there's a spell for that bad crooked teeth it's England okay but there's a spell for that Harry Potter breaks his glasses

they have a spell to fix his glasses. Here's an idea. Fix his eyes. And they're at a school for centuries and no one's come up with a spell for 20-20 vision because I can guess it. Lasik. I'm Matt Segan.

That's my time. Very funny. I'm Matt Segan that's my time very very funny very funny on the glasses thing I'd move it up quicker and or perhaps write different stuff but I would definitely move that up quicker right at the front of the Harry Potter thing because then

I think people will want to hear more about what you have to say about Harry Potter instead of having the best part at the end, I would move that all the way up to the forward, and then you're going to force yourself to have funnier tags and everything, because then people are going to know that you're funny instead of at the end of the Harry Potter bit. Because your first take on Harry Potter being that will have everybody convinced.

I found it hard to listen to somebody because I'm not a Harry Potter guy, so I found the front end hard. If you would have done that part first, I would have paid harder attention and sort of... because that's the funniest part of the joke without a doubt. Brody, go ahead. Thank you. Stephen Brody, Stephen Sir. Can you say LASIK at the end again, how you said that?

LASIK. You said it more like LASIK. Sounds like me, but that's just me. I would say the opening bit, if we're going to talk about material. I'm a huge fan. I know. You said you're huge. I'm huge fans of you.

So you're going to say you should do a third one? No. I would say I've heard a lot of bits on names of medications like Lexapro and Prozac. I've heard jokes on those that I can't say exactly how you did it, but again, I don't want to get beat up for saying I heard something before. But it's kind of a generic thing, no pun intended, medication.

I think the Harry Potter stuff was really good. I didn't like the British thing with the teeth, but the 2020 Vision thing was good. The LASIK thing was funny I like you ended strong I felt like you were confident up there

You felt like you were funny There's definitely some magical stuff going on in there No pun intended Harry Potter There you go You're really good at that no pun intended thing It's Matt Segan everybody We have time for one more And it's pretty exciting

Because it's going to be our only Our first ever reoccurring guest on Hinchcliffe's Notes or whatever this is called. What's her last name again? Sarah Dresses. Oh, that's her name. I know her Twitter name. It's at Sarah Dresses, everybody. That's how I know her as well.

It's Mosta Jabi. The last name Sarah Dresses, everybody. That's how I know her as well. It's Mosta Jobby. The last name's Mosta Jobby. That's right. You gotta change that ASAP. Working on it. Rocky. Working on it. So I'm just getting out of a three-year relationship. Basically made the decision to move that

benign tumor out of my ass, so it's coming out. You know, every time I start a new relationship, it's like grabbing a cold Capri Sun out of the fridge, and it's like, you see this tiny little hole of fucking opportunity, and you're just trying to shove your fucking happiness into it, and then when you are successful, you have about three minutes of deliciousness, and then it's over and you're left with a piece of trash. So not very happy. I cut myself today, but it was on accident, so you could say I'm making progress.

All right, that's all I got. Hilarious. Good job. Yes. Yes. The cutting thing on accident is funny. Great joke. Great joke. And we can talk about cutting.

That's acceptable. Right. Well, you know what? The jacket looks good. I like it. You got a Tegan and Sarah vibe. I like it. You got a Tegan and Sarah vibe. I like your hair.

The jacket looks good, but it's a good style. Would you give us the option of seeing without the jacket? I like the jacket, but the guy's from Iceland. Wait a second. I'm Persian. Haven't shaved in six hours, so I don't know if that's a good idea. Are you self-conscious about something? Yeah, my body hair.

I just went over this. Really? Let me see your arm. Is your arm hairy, really? No, I mean, bro, like six hours, not shaved. It's not good. Trust me. All right, here.

Brody knows. One shoulder? Oh, you look good, guys. Yeah. Don't clam up on me now. Keep going. It was good. It's okay. It's okay.

You know, you can be, like, sexy, but you don't have to, like, give away the whole fucking pie. No, I'm not saying. I didn't say that. But you're also. I like the jacket. I didn't say I didn't like the jacket. I just wanted to see what it was like without it. Yeah.

You can pay a girl $20 right down the street and get the same experience. If I, Tony, who do I complain to? Sarah, when you say you cut your hair accidentally, are you talking about your haircut? No. Cut yourself accidentally. Nothing on that, people. No, you said it wrong. You said when you cut your hair, you said it when you cut yourself.

Yeah. You're talking about your haircut. Oh, I did say it wrong. You ruined it, Tony. You ruined it. Fuck. Somebody needs to tag. Where's the person

that's helping me? We need to bag you. My hair is cut like lightning from Final Fantasy 13. It really is cool. You look like a cartoon character.

That's what I'm going for. Are you anime? Yep. This is it. Oh, I want to take you to the airport in Tokyo. At Sarah Dresses, thank you so much for coming back. Sarah Dresses on Twitter.

So glad you're back, our first returning guest. Speaking of returning guests, I'll tell you who's definitely going to be back next week, and it rhymes with the Iron Patriot. Thanks, Iron. It's the Iron Patriot. Thanks for having me on, guys. I had a lot of fun. Where can people find you again? Hollywood and Highland. Patriot. Thanks, Iron. It's the Iron Patriot.

Where can people find you again? Hollywood and Highland. Comic Patriot on Twitter. Yeah, I love it, man. Please come back next week. Thank you. Tony, thank you. Patronage together for Stephen Brody.

Stevens, everybody. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Red Band. Thank you, Death Squad community, for life. Don't ever disrespect me. I'll tackle you into a chokehold. Thank you, Brody. Thank you, Red Band. And everybody, if you want to stick around, the Ding Dong Show is next.

Live. Ding Dong Show with Don Barris. Don Barris is here. The Big Three. Love it. Dibble. Winning City Heat. Follow Brody and I on Twitter. Saginaw. Love it. Dibble. Winning City Heat. Detroit Lions.

Saginaw. Good guys. Thanks, guys. Every Monday, 8 p.m., come check out episode three next week. Boom.