KILL TONY - KILL TONY #20

Episode Date: November 7, 2013

Rick Ingraham, Sandy Danto, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Brian Redban – Date: 10/14/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Please check us out live at the Comedy Store every Monday at 8 p.m. It's free and followed by the Ding Dong Show. Also go to DeathSquad.TV for tour dates. If you just scroll down a little, you'll see DeathSquad live shows. And we will be in Irvine, California, November 12th with Comedy Juice. It's the first time that we've ever done this Death Squad and Comedy Juice are joining forces

So check out this show Our first show, November 12th With Sarah Tiana, Tony Hinchcliffe, Little Esther and myself November 20th, we'll be in Punchline At the San Francisco Punchline We'll be in Punchline We'll be in San Francisco at the Punchline at the San Francisco Punchline. We'll be in Punchline. We'll be in San Francisco at the Punchline, and I'll be joined by Dean Deloray and Christian Spicer. So please check

us out if that is Christian's last name. Spicker, Spicer, S-P-I-C-E-R. I'm guessing it's Spicer. I don't know. November 20th, Dean Deloray, me, and Christian will be at the Punchline San Francisco. Go to DeathSquad.tv for all the ticket links and all our tour dates. And check us out on iTunes and Stitcher. Please subscribe to our podcast. We need people to subscribe and rate and review our shows. Please help us out. And don't forget, we pay for everything by selling Kitty Kat t-shirts.

These are limited edition. And you can help us out by going to ShopS shop squad.tv and buying them before they sell out because once they're sold out they're gone forever and now oh wait there's there's a part of this episode where the battery died um so there's like a good two minutes where the audio goes kind of shitty at one point because i had to use a backup audio source. So, yeah, sorry about that. Anyways, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Store. How are you guys doing today?

This is Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yay. Hi, everybody. How's it going? It's exciting to be back. As always, so fun. We're here another fun Monday night.

Over 20-some comedians signed up for tonight's show to do a minute and hang out and see what happens. Here we are. Fuck yeah, it's been... Our last episode was with Maren and Benson at the LA Podfest. So this is the first episode following that. That was a lot of fun. A lot has happened since then.

Hell yeah then I died it's true we missed last week because you had Selma Hayek or Selmanella poisoning bad chicken so Friday night I ate El Pollo Loco

they get their chicken from Foster Farms and Foster Farms is closing all these plants right now because all these people are getting sick and stuff. But there's no government to actually oversee all this. So people are just dying from this fucking shitty chicken. And so I ate it right before Podcast Fest. Friday night, everything fine.

Friday around 6 in the morning, fire out of my ass, my nose, my mouth. It was the worst fucking five days of food poisoning I've ever had in my life. So when you always make fun of me for being a vegan, you factor in that not only does that never happen to me, but I haven't

had a cold in about two years. You could get that shit from, you could get crap from kale. You could die from kale. I don't want to hear it. Yeah, I could. I could really, I hear about that all the time. You'd be the biggest pussy ever if you died from kale. I don't want to hear it. Yeah, I could. I could really. I hear about that all the time. You'd be the biggest pussy ever if you died from kale. I've heard of so many people. The new kale overdose outbreak that's happening.

There's a lot of bacteria in kale unless you cook it. Just like chicken. But yeah, so. That's some scary talk. And speaking of scary, that makes me think of Halloween. And we have some exciting news about Halloween this year, everybody. Segway. We're going to be in San Diego. We're going to have a Halloween show at the

American Comedy Co. It's going to be me, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sam Tripoli, and there's a lot of special guests that we've already booked. Secret guests. We're even talking to the old Jew, Ari Shafir. He might be in town. Holy moly. It's going to be a good party. It's AmericanComedyCo.com

and then... Where were you? You were... You've been... Like, is there anybody here from Windy City Weekend right here? Yeah? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. That's awesome. You missed all that. I know. I got booked last second to go to Seattle and work there Thursday, Friday, and Saturday

nights. And then I traveled all day on Sunday to get back here yesterday. And I can't believe that I missed Windy City weekend. It's, of all the gigs that I had, because I just found out that I have a shit ton of parking tickets that I'm going to contest. But let's just say that if you get

a few 60-some dollar parking tickets and you forget to pay those, it gets to well i guess you you get guilty so when you get offered something like there was a part of me even though no comedian should ever turn down a gig there's a part of me that's like no i'm not going to take the deal i'm going to stay for windy city weekend but it was cool it's cool seeing them like because i don't know if you ever saw the movie windy city here i'm sure you have i'm obsessed yeah it's one of my favorite movies ever.

But seeing it with a... That's what killed me is that I'm one of its biggest fans. I obsess about it. It was like watching Rocky Horror Picture Show. And then at the beginning or at the front, you know, Scary Perry sitting there in the front row and people are just fucking with him. Like, guys are giving him like bags of popcorn

and like pouring it all over and stuff like that and wrapping him up with toilet paper and spraying him with water pistols. It was fucking amazing. I can't believe I missed it. I can't wait to... I hope there's some way to be able to watch that. I don't know. Eventually, hopefully.

Fuck yeah. As always, guess who's here, everybody? Our head of security. The one and only Iron Patriot. All right. It's always something a little bit different with them. Patriot, how have things been? I'm glad to be here on Columbus Day with you, Tony.

Oh, it is Columbus Day. You know, it was 521 years ago that Columbus first landed in the Bahamas. It must have been a scary voyage for him, Tony. Why is that? Because he didn't know if he was going to see land. It's kind of like this show. We're on a scary journey with Kill Tony. We don't know if we'll ever see land.

What the fuck are you talking about? Anyway, Tony, I had fun at the podcast festival. Mark Maron really did like me. He said I could come over to his garage anytime. I didn't hear him say that to you, Tony.

Oh my god. What the fuck was that? Got a little excited at the end there. He even said that I could come and look at his girlfriend Jessica's feet. Yes. Yes, it's true. You know, it's true. I'll take you if you're nice tony i'll take you with me as soon as i get time out from my busy schedule you know i'm a very busy man on tuesdays wednesdays parks and recreation thursday bingo friday wait a second wednesday you work for parks and rec but thursday'singo? Yeah, I'm busy. I do yoga too

Wait, bingo with where? You play bingo? I do meetings with Scientology on Saturday What? Are you a Scientologist? Oh my god Wow We did get to meet him. It was our first time meeting him without the costume and he used my hotel room at the LA Podfest

to change into his outfit. You did leave a sock, by the way. I was going to bring it, but it was so crunchy and horrible. That couldn't have been mine. I took inventory when I got home. Everything was with me. That must have been somebody else's creepy sock.

Red Band, there's something I want to say to you, Red Band. What? I saw that picture with you of Jimmy Kimmel at the 10-year anniversary of Windy City Heat, which, by the way, is a film I love. I love Scary Perry. I saw the picture with you. Back in May of 2012,

I was on the Jimmy Kimmel show in my old Iron Man suit for the premiere of The Avengers. Scarlett Johansson was on the show. We had a contest where we drove where we drew t-shirts. The Hulk was on there, Chewbacca, Spongebob, Juan Diego, my good friend that plays Captain America.

Spongebob was there. The weirdest name dropper in the city right now. Spongebob, Chewbacca. It was all the Hollywood and Highland people? Yes, yes. It was the characters and we were there. It was good. We got paid union scale, and they even played it again, and we got paid another check.

So it was nice. I liked it. It was a fun time. But what's been going on with you, Tony? Well, we sort of just talked about that. I was in Seattle. Another thing. I heard you on the podcast with Tom Segura and his wife,

your mom's house, and you would have loved this, guys, if you want to listen to this because this was just done last week. Tony's mom is on this show. They call to Ohio, Youngstown, and this woman, she is funny. You're going to see where he got all his wits about her because this woman, she's real cool, but if you don't pay her on time, that's when she turns ugly. There you go. Fuck yeah.

So you sent me a song, as you do sometimes. Yeah, and you know why I'm doing this? Because at the podcast festival, Tony kept saying, holy moly. Do you remember that? No. You kept saying, if you go back and watch the tape, you kept saying, holy moly, and I have a song by the same name. So I said, I thought it was time to do it.

This is my father's favorite song. My dad, Bubba, in Mississippi. He loves this song. All right. Here it goes. Holy Moly. Turn it up, Jeff. Do it.

Come on, buddy. Come on. Yeah. Woo. On the south side of Chicago There's a lot going down There's a car girl, her name's Tony She does the messing around And I saw her, holy moly, holy moly

Holy mo, on the road to Chicago From the south side, holy moly, holy moly, holy mo on the road. Just a tall girl from the south side. Holy moly, holy mo on the road. She left lipstick on her pillow. So sweet and lovely with a cute little note. It said, call me. My name's Tony. She left a number that was all that she wrote. And I saw her.

Holy moly. Holy moly. Holy moly. On the road to the car girl. From the south side. Holy moly. Holy moly. On the road.

I'm playing Moe Thank you, thank you Guys, give it up to Iron Patriot Nobody was clapping yet And you said thank you Thank you I don't think the people had decided What they wanted to do yet

Let me explain a little bit about that song That song is about a call girl Named Tony On the south side of Chicago It's an imaginary girl. It has no race specific. It could be Tony Braxton. It could be Tony Collette.

It could even be Tony from Captain and Tennille. So it's an imaginary call girl. I told you I used to live in Chicago. That's on the south side, Tony. It's the Windy City, too. Yes, yes. I'm tying it all together. Wow, there you go. Tony's a hooker'm tying it all together. Tony, are you?

Wow, there you go. Yes, I feel. Tony's a hooker is what he's trying to say, right? Yeah. Did you write that in your Dirty Crabber days? Yeah, yeah. That's one of my classic hits. How many songs did Dirty Crabber have?

I just started. I got a lot more. I like that song, by the way. I think that's my father and Bubba's favorite song. I told you. Well, the thing that I've noticed... When he hears that, he starts dancing. He'll start doing this Bubba strut.

He'll just go like that. What I've noticed about all the Dirty Crabber songs is that you get it after about 40 seconds of each of them. I can't imagine listening to that for three and a half minutes like a normal song. Because you just... And you always have a little cute dance break in between choruses.

Yeah, solo. You can shake your thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's bringing back a lot of memories. I appreciate you guys letting me do these tunes. It's good. It reminds me kind of of the presidency of the United States of America also.

Oh, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of influences. Some people say I sound like Frank Zappa. All right. Anyway, so that's a lot of influences. Some people say I sound like Frank Zappa. All right. Anyway, so that's the Iron Patriot here with us, as always, to make sure nothing gets too crazy. He has a suit made out of whatever the fuck. It's super heavy and crazy.

Fiberglass. ABS plastic in the middle. The heaviest fiberglass ever. Yes, yes. He has to take the bus here because he can't sit down. So he has to take the buses because he can't sit down in this $5,000 outfit that he bought himself. It takes him an hour to get ready, and he's always with us. He's never missed a show.

The Iron Patriot, everybody. He's always with us. He's never missed a show. The Iron Patriot, everybody. So now that we know what goes on here, a bunch of comedians get to come on and do 60 seconds, and then we talk to them about what happened and maybe who they are and whatever the fuck. So what do you say we get this thing started

by bringing up our guests tonight? Both of them very good friends of mine. Two of the funniest people I know. No particular order. The Fighting Pride of Kansas, everybody. I mean, holy moly. This guy is hilarious. Check him out on his show, The Rick

Ingram Experience, now on YouTube. The one and only Rick Ingram is in the house, everybody. He was here during episode one. He was the only guest on the show. And this is his first return since the pilot episode when it was actually called Hinchcliffe's Notes. Yeah, I was going to say, you said he's never missed an episode.

I've never seen him in my life. That's true. That's right. You're the only guest that hasn't had the Patriot experience. I'm glad, Rick, we can do it right this time. You came back, we'd do it the right way. I want to say something, Rick. Oh, wait. And also, our other guest.

Just when you think it couldn't get any better, there's two guests. I've seen them. This is one of my oldest best pals. We've been roommates. One of my great buddies. You know him from his appearances on Mad TV and Comedy Central. Put your hands together for Sandy Danto, everybody.

Is it Mad TV? It wasn't Mad TV. Is it Mad TV? It was Mad TV. A long time ago. For 45 seconds. When did Mad TV end? Now I'm confused. I don't know. That's interesting.

As far as anyone in here knows, it never existed. Fuck yeah. So, Sandy, this is your first time on the show, and this is Rick's first time with a patron. I had a brief cameo on the show with Pauly several weeks ago. Oh, yeah. That's right. Lucky.

That was Kill Tony 13. With Doug Benson. They made a surprise appearance at the end. That was Kill Tony 13 With Doug Benson They made a surprise appearance at the end That was very special Do you have like a card catalog system in that suit? Yeah I need it I need a clock so I know what time it is It's one of the main issues

With most of the Iron Man movies Is he can never figure out what time it is It's true All those fancy uniforms. Everything is exactly the way it is in the movie, which is cool. Sandy, can I say something to you? I was reading about you today. I see you're from Detroit.

You must be happy because your football team is doing pretty good so far, first place. I first saw you on Ice House Chronicles number 55 back in December of 2012. Wow. I really like your Pauly Shore impersonation. Oh, thank you. It's funny as shit. I like a raper that knows his dates. Could you do that voice for the remainder of this show?

You want me to do it the entire time? Well, as much as you can, because I love it. It makes me laugh. It's all about him with this. What are you going to say right now? Dude, it's a whole thing with you. Dude, it's not happening, dude. It's got to be what?

It's got to be organic. Oh, he just gave you the laser beam with his left hand. Is that like getting the light? Paulie got the light from Iron Patriot. Rick, I want to say something to you real quick before we begin the show. I'm dying to hear it. Rick, this is what I want to say about you. Wait, about me?

Are you saying it about me or to me? No, to you. I listened to Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank, and I was amazed about your story. From the age of 23 to 30, you had severe stomach pains. You have a high tolerance of pain, Rick. I could not believe that story you went through. They finally diagnosed you with diabetes, but they did not know what the hell was going on. You went through several doctors.

Is this guy like just exposition? He just provides backstory, which is very Iron Man-like also. I love that of all the research you did on Rick, the thing you wanted to talk to him about was his stomach pains that he had. You know one time he projectile vomited

seven feet in the air when he was with his mama. Fact. This guy, he knows a lot about people's moms, which is uncomfortable. He does his research. He's a big fan of the...

Yeah, I want you to meet my mom someday, Tony. Yeah, I think we all would like that. I think it's fair to say. Dude, my mom started this whole fucking thing. What superhero is she? She's the super crab mama. I want to meet your cocker spaniel. What?

I call her June It's Bubba and June They're in Mississippi They're very proud of me They're very glad I got on this show They love it Those are your parents' names? Yes, Bubba and June

In real life? Yes Wow Bubba and June Patriot? Yeah, you ever been to Mississippi? Wow Mississippi. Wow. That laugh is special. That laugh is something that would make Sandusky cringe,

which is nice. Very creepy. Yeah, man. And the Nazi from one of the Indiana Jones movies is up there. That might not be him. That is a bright yellow jacket. of the Indiana Jones movies is up there. That is a bright yellow jacket. Hey, is that true that you met Pauly in an airport and he said you were a combination

of Jack Belushi and Jack Black? He did say that to me, but it was not at an airport. Why don't you do your research, Patriot? Well, you can't trust everything on the internet. I'm sorry about that. I like to be accurate.

There are inaccurate rumors about you and Pauly? There's a lot of stuff swirling around about me on the internet. Don't believe anything you heard on country music television, first of all. Rick, when you were having all these stomach problems, I remember that time period barely. What was the kind of stomach shit that you were going through?

I remember pain time period barely. What was the kind of stomach shit that you were going through? Because I remember just you, like, pain at points. I mean, there was a lot of vomiting nonstop. I went into diabetic shock when I was in New York, when I was with Bobby Lee and Freddie Lockhart. But I didn't have insurance, and I'm a fucking man, so I just didn't eat for about six days, so my blood sugar would drop to a decent level. Wow.

And pretty much just sick the whole time. Wow. Spent a lot of money going to doctors at first, and that's when I found out doctors don't know shit. Yeah. So it was a fun lesson learned. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah.

And because you didn't know that that's what it was, you were just, you know, you couldn't pinpoint it, so. Yeah, well. What did you think it was? I was told that it's severe acid reflux and intestinal migraines. And then it was like a weird Greek doctor. And that's when I learned never trust the Greeks for anything. Not their yogurt? Nothing.

Unless gay bathhouse is pretty much all of them. Have you ever had any ailments? Dude, what about socrates? So true. So true, Weez. Dude, you gotta think about stuff. One thing I do know, I've had stomach problems before, and it's the worst thing you can experience,

because that's like the center of your whole, you know, your being. Wow, you're like a fucking doctor over there. You really figured that out. You think it's worse than dick cancer? Yeah. Fair enough. Short and sweet. I didn't hear that. What'd you say?

Anyway. Where did you get this guy? I know. He showed up after that episode After that first episode with you I heard you talking on Red Band on the Ice House There was another girl That ate El Poblolo Loco too

Yes Did she go through the same amount of time? She was very young So her body was accepted a lot easier But yeah, she went through the same stuff To a degree Like hers wasn't as Horrible as mine it a lot easier. But yeah, she went through the same stuff to a degree. Like hers wasn't as horrible

as mine. But for like a couple days or something. Yeah, like three days she had it. Well, that's the proof right there. That's the proof in the pudding. Yeah. Oh my God. Alright, well that's the part of the show where Patriot has a lot of input. Yeah. It almost makes you

hate America in some ways. It's true. Maybe we could change him to a country we don't like, Patriot. The Canadian Patriot. I'm running for president in 2016. My platform is going to be protect the feet. Dude, we... Sounds like it's going to be a tough campaign.

Yeah. By the reaction you got on the original pitch of it, so. Yeah. Dude, he just got sequestered, right? Dude, Paul, don't say, that's too many syllables for you, Paul. Dude, it's nice of him to be here during the government shut. Oh. Jeez.

Well, I'm super excited that we have Pauly Shore in the house for, you guys know the format of the show. So there's a bunch of comedians. Rick, you've done it before. Sandy, you basically know what's going on, right? Yeah, I know. Awesome. So comedians each do 60 seconds.

When they hit 60 seconds, you'll hear the meow of a kitty. And then if they run their time, the Angry West Hollywood Bear comes up. So don't run over your time limit or else that bear is going to come up. I heard the Angry West Hollywood Bear is a. So don't run over your time limit or else that bear's going to come out. I heard the Angry West Hollywood Bear is a Timberwolves fan. Oh, that's a different impression that you just went into there.

No! What was that? Was that one of the sound effects? No. You should get Mervis on the soundboard there. Loser. It's weird seeing Laney without Jerry, by the way. Where is she?

Oh, wow, Lainey, hello. Oh, there's Jer Bear. He was just probably spooning a couple of teenagers somewhere. Slick dog. The pride of Aspen. Looks fantastic. Have you guys ever talked

to the Iron Patriot before? If you had one question for the Patriot, what would it be between the two of you? You can put your heads together. How do you get into that thing? How do you get into that thing is what she said. It's like launching a space shuttle. It's a very slow process. I've got to make sure every step is correct because if I screw up, I'll pay for it in pain.

What do you look like? I kind of look like Pauly Shore because I had this whole story. I came four years ago to talk to Dean. No one said they wanted to hear the story, actually. Dude, but one thing in common, I came four years ago, too. Nice, Pauly. You son of a bitch. Right?

Pauly's already on the money. So let's get the show started. Your first comedian tonight. Are you guys ready for this or what? It's crazy. Got so many talented names in there. All right. Your first comedian tonight is Scott Kidd.

Oh, yeah. Professional walk so far. Is this on? Wait, that's a little shtick, right? Is it on? Josh Martin didn't do his job. He's doing Will Tilly. Oh, nice.

Hello? There it is. Can we reset the timer? Thank you. All right, how y'all doing tonight? All right, let's feel some energy in the room. Yeah! Make some noise!

Hello! All right, wonderful, great. Strong intro. Anyway, so I work in a casino, and I don't understand compulsive gamblers. I understand them, but I don't understand why they still continue to live. One reason I don't understand them,

because when they sit at the table and lose all their money, they go... But what they're really thinking is... Just imagine a guy jumping off a building or two trains hitting each other, or I don't know, 9-11. But yeah, it doesn't make any fucking sense. And if Asians are good at math,

then why do they spend all their time in casinos? Anybody want to answer that question? No? All right, I'll say something else racist about a different race Dammit! The bear came out quick on that one I don't think he has a watch either No

I had no idea what you were talking about Oh, I'm sorry Well, he started out strong, obviously He cheerleaded He cheerleaded his way into a good beginning And then he hit him strong with the segue Anyway He cheerleaded his way into a good beginning. And then he hit him strong with the segue. Anyway.

From there, skyrocket to success. That's right. I'm sorry. I had just finished saying, I can't wait to not be called up. And then they said my name, and I felt like an ass. So I figured I'd make an even bigger ass of myself. And I'm going to stop talking now. That's a good game plan. Yeah, thanks, man.

Who did you make an ass out of? Who did you say that to that you weren't going to get picked? I was secretly, like, telepathically sending it to you, Tony. But then I guess you read it. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that might be the creepiest shit any guy's ever looked right in my eyes and said.

Bosco. I was trying to telepathically send it to you. It's like, that's a weird attempt, man. It's better than... Why do you have to say your name? He was looking right at you. Tony. It got weird.

And I like... He was not doing well. And so then he was like, well, now that they don't like me as a person I should go racist interesting plan there was also one part in the middle of it all in which

he had also abandoned their everybody liking him and out of nowhere I don't even think at a proper place just said the words 9-11 yeah oh I'm in this hole now what's that and think at a proper place just said the words 9-11. Yeah. Oh, I'm in this hole now. What's the quickest way out? That's a good hook, though, because if you just have jokes that don't go well,

you could just abandon them and say 9-11. If you repeat that enough, it becomes a good hook. Right. Yeah. Push the fear of the government. All your jokes should just fall off a cliff and then you mention

9-11 and move on to the next joke and do that again. And be like, so 9-11, anyway. And maybe end every set with a full suicide bombing. No, no, no. Do it at the Ice House. Do it somewhere else.

I think if you're going to talk about having a job as niche as a casino worker, you've got to try to relate it to jobs that other people have. Oh, that's a great point. Like, can you imagine if you worked at Petco and people got addicted to that or something silly like that? I bet they do. That's great.

Wow, there you go. 9-11. Why are we getting judged? I should get judged for saying that. There should be a panel of open micers. There should be a panel of open micers judging the judges.

But I don't know. Also, he nailed it with the comic jacket. Oh, I mean, totally. Yes. I thought that as soon as he got up here. It's cruelty free. We know.

As opposed to my jokes. Hi-oh. Zinger. Wow. Barely made sense. Anyway. Stretching, stretching. I mean, where do you get a jacket like that even from?

It's like a Macy's thing right there It was Eddie Murphy's garage sale actually It looks like Pacific Sunwear If I'm being 100% honest Not OP? Macy's It was Macy's? Yeah, it is Macy's

Got that at the DX I could tell it was a Macy's Yeah? Yeah How? Just by the look, the smell. Oh. The smell.

The person inside of it. Well, there you go. We have a lot of people, so there you go. Scott Kidd, everybody. Scott. He's got a little something for... He's going places. He could take that Petco thing,

and in case he wants to just continue to fail, he could have the 9-11 hook. So whether he goes good, he's got something, and if he wants to not do good, he could just be that 9-11 comedian. He could be the 9-11 comedian. I've heard a lot of people say, I like a lot of comedians, but I wish there was a 9-11 comedian that just repeated it. The problem is going to be there's going to be conspiracy theorists

that say he bombs like that on purpose. 9-11 style. Could be. He's fake like Tower 7. Patriot, what did you think of Scott Kidd? I was thinking about his performance at the podcast festival and how much he changed. Because remember he's doing that real country guy? And then he changed. He's kind of more normal this time.

Okay. And then I saw there was another Kill Tony who was normal before that. So what do you think about all these changes? What do you think he should do? Do you think he should do that character? He's trying to find his voice. Definitely.

You can tell he's searching for it. Yeah, he's goofing around. He's at Devo Kid on Twitter, by the way. D-E-V-O-K-I-D-D. Anyway, your next comedian goes by the name of J-Mac, everybody. Yeah. All right.

So I'm tired of being reverse stereotypified in this town. In Hollywood especially, I get stereotyped as a stereotyper. And I get it. I know how I look how I sound but I'm not a rapper but if I was my rapper name our Patriot would be Cheetos and chicken spread because that's what I'm all about you gotta keep it real if you're going to be a rapper. I could never be like a hardcore gangster rapper. Because they like for their women to be

a queen in the streets and a freak between the sheets. But I ain't got it like that. I need somebody between the sheets that's very understanding. She could be a freak in the streets. You know? Blow my buddies while I'm watching the game.

As long as I'm getting mines. You know? See, I ain't had enough sex to be freaky. That's the thing. You know, the more sex you have, the freaker you get. My biggest finish is when I can get a girl to be there. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't fight the bear.

Don't fight the bear. He might You don't fight the bear. Don't fight the bear. He might be able to fight the bear. He actually could. I think he might be able to. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He sounds angry. Oh, there you go. The bear lit off an old firework there at the end.

It's really pissed off. Fuck yeah, J-Mac. Yeah. Ran the lot. At least I was running. There you go. Nice. He looked up at the balcony for a laugh at that one.

By the way, who did that snort during that? Yeah, that was a beautiful snort. Yeah, it was not only a nice snort, but the Asian girl still covered her mouth traditionally, even though it wasn't her. That really did happen. I totally thought it was you because you did the mouth cover. That's what I thought.

It was really you? I embarrassed her. That's amazing. That's like ventriloquism. You get thrown your snorts. Heck yeah. J-Mac, do you often draw a lot of snorts from the audience when you're doing comedy? When I'm back home, but it's not laughter.

It's just the crank. I'm falling back on a lot of hacky shit, yeah. That's interesting. I do what I can. Pauly, what do you think of J-Mac? Dude, we like him, right? Dude, look at him. You're a big hit in Oklahoma.

Dude, I know. You're telling me. Son-in-law, right? Dude, son-in-law is the reason why Oklahoma fell in love with me. Yeah, bro. I want to squeeze you. That is what Pauly's actually like, by the way. For those of you that don't know.

Way nicer. I wish we could replace Pauly with just Sandy as Pauly. Full time. I guarantee if we talked to Mitchie, she'd be like, he's better, I like him. He's better now. Oh, he's better, I like him. He's better now. Oh, that's great. Fuck yeah. J-Mac, where do you

keep your bandana thing when you're asleep? I picture you as the kind of guy for some reason that might go to bed with one of those sleeping hats on that has the ball at the end that's extended. It's called a sleep apnea machine. That's his hat.

Do you really have one? Do you wear it? Yeah. You really do? How do you have diabetes and I don't? Well, I... It's a different kind.

Interesting question, yeah. I'm trying to get to your level. I have the kind that God gave and you're going for the kind that you caused. More or less. But you have the American kind. So yours is the pure American hope, anyway.

Yeah, that's the only thing I can think of. That's why I think I didn't know for so long, because I'm not overweight. I have juvenile diabetes. I just didn't get it until I was 30. J-Mac, you were in the comedy boxing matches a few weeks ago. And let me just say the best part about that match was that you chose to wear your shirt. That other guy. Right.

I mean, that was frightening. Oh, yeah. That belly button was like, it was like the crater killed the dinosaurs or something. Oh, I thought that was his dick. I didn't know that was his belly button. Who knows? Wait, did he have an Audi? No, it just was an Audi.

Do people still have Audis? No, that's so odd. They're not doing Audis anymore. The flanks. The flanks. Yeah. I sent a picture to a buddy back home. He texted back and said,

is that a tumor or is it a titty? Damn. There should be a certain weight by law that if you hit it, you can't not wear a shirt in public. It's swimming. Do you wear your shirt while you're swimming?

Actually, not so much. I always did. Do you float or sink while you're swimming? Actually, not so much. I always did. Do you float or sink when you're in a swimming pool? I can walk on water in seawater. That's amazing. I float in fresh water. I can have a beer and a cigarette and just lay out and shit. That's actually what Jesus looked like.

They just cleaned his image up for Hollywood. Yeah, absolutely. I could see him swimming with the shirt off just because he doesn't want to be like Mexicans. That's true. I mean, he does have an American flag wrapped around his head tight right now. I'm not a stereotype.

Yeah, all this looks way better underwater. For sure. He's got a great underwater body. He looks fat,. You should see him underwater. He looks fat, but you should see him underwater. I'm an underwater model. It's like funhouse mirrors. It just works for him.

That's great. There he goes. J-Mac, everybody. J-Mac. At J-Mac Comedy. J-Mac Comedy. The name of that joke, by the way, there's also one area

on these sign-up sheets where sometimes people write down their topic. It leaves a space for it. And the name of that what he just talked about up here is what he calls reverse stereotypification. That's the name of that. Reverse stereotypification. And Scott

Kidd talked about smoking. That's not what he talked about at all. He didn't mention that whatsoever. But Scott is a fucking liar. He improvised some different stuff. He should have stuck with the smoking thing, right? Yeah, no kidding. All right.

Pauly, you having fun? Dude, what's stereotypification? Ooh, this looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Joe Barron. Hello, folks. And here we go. So I was living in Hawaii, and I finally found out that this girl I really liked

dumped her boyfriend. So I figured this is a good time to call her up. I call her up, she was drunk, and she told me, I asked her out, she goes, Joe, I just hope I have visions fucking you. So I told her, well, I have visions fucking you, isn't that halfway there? Okay, that didn't work.

So I figured, I also have something 50% off if you go shopping. She hung up, got mad, hung up the phone. That was it. Didn't say anything about her sisters or nothing like that. Okay, we go to the next one. Okay, at Cinco de Mayo. I'm staying here. I don't care.

Okay, I went to Cinco de Mayo. Went to a concert. This blonde girl. She was very drunk. I don't care. Okay, I went to Cinco de Mayo. Went to a concert. This blonde girl. She was very drunk. Falling on everybody. And somebody comes up to me and goes, What's her name anyway? I don't know, but if I bring her home in about two hours, her name would be Get Out.

Okay, smitter, smitter. He nailed the wave as the cat sound played. There's one thing you got. It's timing. Kind of. The bad part about it, it actually went better than the first time. Dude, Jay London cleaned himself up, right? True.

It's half Jay London, half PJ, I think. Hell yeah. No, I burned a giant hat. You have to talk into the microphone. I burned a giant hat. That's why I'm wearing this one. Well, you didn't have to repeat that one. Right.

It didn't work before either. Joe, you know what I liked about your material is that I couldn't tell when jokes started and ended. It sounds like more of an insult. Until you said next one. So that didn't work. I didn't even know what was... Was that just me? You guys were completely

silent as well. Well, I thought it was going to be funny when I said well, I have visions fucking you. So they didn't go that way. But what was she saying? I don't have visions fucking you. I thought you said that she said the same thing as you. Yeah. I was confused.

No, what I said is she said, Joe, I don't have visions fucking you. So I told her, well, look, I have visions fucking you. Isn't that mean we're halfway there? That's what I said. But why would she tell you that she doesn't have visions of fucking you? Because I asked her out, and that's what she said. You asked her out on a date. Yeah.

How did you say that? Like, how did that go? Let's go out. I like you. That's it. You just walked right up to her and said that out of nowhere? No, I said it on the phone.

You called her? I called her. How'd you get her number? She gave it to me. When? At her house. Where she worked at the hotel in Waikiki.

So you're in Hawaii. Yeah. I lived there about 18 years. But hey, he also said she broke up with her boyfriend. So when did that happen? About two days before I called her. How did you find out that she had broken up with her boyfriend? She told me.

How did she tell you? I broke up with him because I got fed up with him working part-time for 10 years. You what? He got fed up with him working part-time for 10 years. You what? He got fed up with her working part-time for 10 years. But where were you when she told you this information? Where she worked at. Were you staying at that hotel?

No, no. I used to go visit her all the time. Used to just show up at the hotel. See, now I think we're getting somewhere. Here we go. So you used to show up at the hotel that she worked at, but you weren't staying there or doing anything. You were just there to...

No, I was just visiting her once in a while, hoping... Even though she had a boyfriend. Yeah, well, there's OPP. I don't know what's crazier. I love you. I don't know what's crazier, the fact that you would show up at that hotel regularly or the fact that she would update you on her boyfriend

breaking up with her? No, I just like visiting her, that's all. And I used to visit her, and there's the other girl, Sandy. And then I finally did... Where did Sandy work? I forgot. Oh, she used to be a coffee shopper. Did she have a boyfriend, too?

Yeah. So? I dated a girl from Chicago. That worked out. Do you think there's a chance that maybe they're just telling them they have boyfriends? There might be a chance. But I'm amazed that she would tell you that she didn't. She'd like to tell me her business. They always do.

You said, how did, wow, she gave you her number too. That's interesting. She's like one of those girls who likes hanging out with other guys and not girls. She has a lot of guy friends. Her boyfriend didn't care. Did you ever hang out with her outside of the hotel where she was working?

Yeah, I used to go to lunch with her and stuff like that. Nice. I used to go to lunch with her. I used to go to the beach with her because her boyfriend didn't like doing anything. Wow. She was a nice, cute little Chinese girl. Why'd you go racist?

Because she was a Chinese girl. No, I'm kidding. Good point. Fuck yeah. How many chicks have you killed before? How many girls? Should I include prostitutes

and strippers? No, no, no, no, no. Just innocent victims. Let's see. When I had hair, about eight. Then Chicago. So about three chicks. No.

No, it's more than that. Well, in school, it was pretty good. Nine in school. Wait, he school, it was pretty good. Nine in school. Wait, he just went from eight to nine. Parks was five. Joe, I'm pretty sure we're all going to have to testify in court after your appearance here tonight. So thank you.

You guys have any questions or anything for Joe, guys? Dude, I killed Stephen Baldwin's career. True. You and Christ. I know, babe. Bio don't do. Bio don't do. You really want that sequel, don't you?

Yeah, dude. You think the Baldwin would ever do it? Dude, he's been calling me up to do it. But it's like he wants to do it with no cursing and no drug references. You're out on that shit, right? Yeah, dude, you gotta have that stuff. Purple sticky punch, purple sticky... Uh...

Uh... Uh... Fuck yeah. Okay, can I go now? Sure. Yeah, you can. Let's bury him. I like how he wears a Hawaii shirt to do Hawaii material. Smart.

And shorts. It really nails it. Really hammers it home. You know what? Maybe that first guy should have worn his casino uniform. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. The little green visor might have really taken it up. A little cash register.

Oh, it would have been great. Fuck yeah. Joe, you're not on Twitter, huh? No. That's shocking. Not until I'm ready. You know what? I wish more people adopted that.

He's ready to date, but he's not ready to tweet. Yeah. He's not ready. At least he knows where he stands. It should almost be like a driver's license. You should have to be able to show you can tweet before they give you that privilege. It's true. Dude, what do you mean?

Have you seen my Twitter? Actually, you're one of the only people I ever had to follow and immediately unfollow, Pauly. What do you mean, dude? Pauly, if you think if I were to ask Sandy what some of his favorite Pauly tweets that he's seen, what would they be?

About to go on stage with Sambi, S-Stars, and Beb G. Wow, funny shit. Hi, babes. About to go to the mansion. And, you know, hey, Cincinnati, I'm about to be there.

Come to the shows. You know, hey, hey, Pauly has a business side, too. And if you watch the movie Pauly Shore is Dead, came out in 2000, if you go to the special features and you listen. It's not what you came out. He's a smart guy, and he has a lot to say about the entertainment business because he's been in here since a small boy in this club, you know?

Yeah. That's not true at all, the things you just said. No, you got to check it out. See, he said it. There you go. Our next comedian, everybody, goes by the name of... Jonathan Tumblin.

Cue off the Van Halen. What's up, y'all? When I moved to L.A., I learned quick that you got to be color appropriate. But I didn't know it applied to Hollywood. I was walking down the street on Hollywood Boulevard, and I was approached by this gang of Negroes. They came up behind me, and they were like, what up, cuz? What you doing with all that blue on, cuz? And I was stumped, because I'm not a bitch, but I was scared, you know what I mean?

And it wasn't going to go over well if I got jumped by a bunch of skinny jean wearing dudes and shit. So, you know, I did the only thing I knew to do when I'm in trouble. I went back to my roots and I was like, excuse me, my brother. I don't know anything about any set that you talk about. I'm just trying to get to the club

over here. And they let me go, man. They were like, you wanted them real niggas, huh? That's it. Nice. There you go. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. I mean, he killed it

more than the other people. I have that same punchline to a lot of my jokes. But. Dude, that's one of my jokes word for word I stole it from Pauly sometimes people just you know

have the same thoughts I've always been amazed I think like a brother Pauly you're going racist what do you mean dude I was in the wash. I was shut the fuck up. What was the wash?

I don't even know about that. Dude, Snoop Dogg and Dre. The remake of the car wash. Yeah, dude. Oh. With George Carlin. That's what they called it. Richard Bright.

I've always found it a little crazy that gangs do use color differential. It's crazy as hell, but I mean, the government does the same thing. The government? Yeah. Like Democrats and Republicans? The Demo-bloods and the Democrips and the Rebluh-bloodikins or whatever you call them. I don't know what I call it. I don't call it any of that. It's just funny. It's a different world I live in. You know what I mean? Everything's a gang to me. Which side are you on? I'm like a superhero. Sex is like that game Sorry.

Not for me. Or guess who in some people's cases. Operation because she's only four. I think I did good, y'all. They're not talking to me. Just don't hit the sides. They're not talking to me at all. Don't hit the side. Don't scrape the DNA off into the girl does anybody

hey snorty has anybody ever tried to get you in a gang before yeah yeah yeah when I was younger I went to my stepdad and I was like yeah I'm thinking I'm going to join a gang he's like son if you're going to join a gang you gotta whoop my ass because I'm not gonna

let that happen and you know I just didn't do it Wow I have a joke about it though where I did beat his ass and join a gang though but you didn't does it does it work anything like the NBA draft like do you have to declare it kind of does like they look I'm looking to thug. They look at your physical specs. Come to the combine. Let us see how you... Shoot a few niggas or two. They're, like, watching you at the arcade, the shooting games.

Yeah, they watch you, like, if you want to do this. That's a really good workout for the Latin kings. All right. Pauly is on fire tonight. He is. This is the sharpest he's ever been. This is unbelievable. Pauly is on fire tonight. He is. This is the sharpest he's ever been. This is unbelievable. Pauly's killing.

Fuck yeah. That was really good. There's not really any tips because it's already pretty good. Yeah. Funny as hell, y'all. You have really good stage presence. Yeah.

Everything's good. I like that you held the hat You took it off Like respectful Like the dinner table Yeah Yeah Fuck yeah, Jonathan Tumblin

He's jshurlockt on Twitter At jshurlockt No clue Was the name of that Was the name of the topic T on Twitter, at J Sherlock T. No clue was the name of that, was the name of the topic. They should always bring black people up to Van Halen. Yeah, that was funny. Patriot's known for his accidental

racism. He's originally from Texas. He sometimes just doesn't know any better of exactly what he's saying. You'll notice it pops up sometimes. Like Patriot, what did you think of Jonathan Tumble? Yeah, I think you guys summed it up pretty good. I like the female brothers.

We went over that. I like the female hombres. Eva Longoria. I like her feet. I like all that. Did we talk about Eva Longoria? No, not at all. We went off on a real...

Attention. What did he say? I'm like Ross Perot. I'll say what I want. Have you ever met a girl that has a little hair on her toe? No, I gotta be shaved. I like her legs and everything clean. No hair. You can have some

hair on the pouch. That's okay. Have you ever been with a chick that had hairy legs? Maybe a little bit, but never out of control or anything. Have you ever been with a chick? Yes. Hell yeah. But it has been a while. When was the last two times you hooked up with girls again?

The last time I had sex was May of 2004. The last episode of Friends. I played with a girl's feet. That's uncomfortable. Remember that song? No one told you life was gonna be that way. Your job's a joke, you're broke. Your love life went astray.

Seems like you're always stuck in second gear. When it hasn't been your day, week, or month, or even your year, I'll be there for you. The Rembrandts. You remember that song? There you go. That was a catchy-ass song, man.

The last time you got laid, did you own that costume? Oh, no. I just got this back in May when Iron Man 3 came out. It took me a year and a half, Sandy, to get this costume. I ordered it from Norway, and I waited a long time. I didn't think I was going to get it. There was a lot of legal problems, health issues with the sculptor. Didn't think I was going to get it,

but I got it. And it changed my life, because I came to the comedy store, and Tony put me on this show, and it's really cool. I got all these fans on Twitter, and they love me. Who did you have sex with the night Friends ended? I said, who did you have sex with?

It was a bartender girl at the Sugar Shack. I was a DJ there in Dallas. The Sugar Shack? Yeah. Did you ever fuck during Mad About You? No. Strange. What about Caroline in the City?

No, no, no. Have you ever tried to fuck any of your Twitter followers? Well, I'm hoping things are going to change for me. I'm starting to meet women, and it's just a matter of time before I get lucky again. Can I ask you something? If you met a girl that adored you because of your persona with the costume on,

would you fuck her with the costume on? Yeah. No hesitation there whatsoever. I don't think you got the final word out on that question. And if anybody in the adult film business wants to get with me, I'm ready to be signed up. Put me on contract. Wow.

Hey. What would your porn name be? Ah. What would be the Iron Patriot's porn motto or porn name? Ah, share your banana with the Iron Patriot. Wait, share your banana? Are you doing gay porn? No, no, not that. Hold on, are you getting pounded?

Share your banana. Hey, Iron Pager, we actually have a lady in the audience. It's in the adult industry. Mia Lee, how are you doing today? I'm good. You're very beautiful. Thanks, I try, I guess.

I came out squinty-eyed like this, and you guys like it. Would you ever work with the Iron Patriot? I just did a shoot for Fucking Machine, so if you rebelled those with kink.com, and Marvel gives a release, I guess. Ah. So. You could wear it here. Yeah, yeah.

We're already questioning whether or not, because Marvel in some forms, you know, we've put us in quite the conundrum because they own the Iron Patriot. Yeah. Well, this is kind of a custom model, so I might not have as much trouble. Well, we already found a solution, actually, because we want to avoid, you know, there's been rumors of a lawsuit, a pending lawsuit, Death Squad versus Marvel. And we wouldn't want anything of the such. I think we're going to

bring a... We're going to start bringing beards. We're going to try some different looks for you. Like a curly hipster mustache. Do you think I should just call myself the Comic Patriot instead of trying to do Iron Patriot anymore? I think you could call yourself the Rocketeer because I think the pattern on that

has ended. Because your career is about to take off. Yeah. If you just put a fin on the head could call yourself the Rocketeer because I think the patent on that has ended. Because your career is about to take off. Yeah, if you just put a fin on the head and call yourself the Rocketeer. They'll probably appreciate the publicity. Yeah, they'll sell some VHS copies. The Rocketeer. Maybe Laserdisc. Wow.

Laserdisc is the best way to watch my movies. So true. The Munchies and the Weasel. Right. Back to the bucket we go on that note. Your next comedian is Leah Naur. So no one told you that it's gonna be this way I was a virgin until I was 20

I was even in a club called Abstinence is Cool Because I was waiting to fall in love And I found it, I fell in love with sex Thank you We're going on a year and a half And we're thinking of taking our relationship to the next level. Anal. Yeah, I'm really excited.

But that being said, I've only had sex with one guy, and it totally works in my favor, because now, like, whenever we're in a fight and I'm mad at him, I'll just be like, Yeah, well, you're the worst fuck I've ever had! And then when we're happy, he's still the worst fuck I've ever had. He's seven years older than me, and I love older guys.

But there's one thing that they do that I cannot stand. I'll be talking to a guy, he'll find out that I'm 21. And then they'll be like, Uh, whoa, am I gonna get arrested for talking to you? Uh, are you gonna rape me while you're talking to me? Yeah. Probably. There it is.

Thanks, I'm waiting an hour. Heck yeah. Fuck yeah. How old are you? I'm 21. And you've only really slept with one person before? Yep.

Do you have a Twitter? Dude. Can I make a suggestion from your material? Please. You should have sex with another guy, say a movie star, and then... Smart. You'll have a lot more material because you can talk about that, babe. Okay, thanks, Pauly.

Yeah. Here, put your number on my phone. I'm about to come. You should put my dick in your mouth. Wait, but you're not a movie star. What? Wait, wait,'re not a movie star. What? Wait, wait. She just said,

Pauly's not a movie star. Oh, my goodness. He was in a made-for-TV movie on country music television two years ago. It was called Whiskey Business. That was. That did come out.

He played a... That's another thing. Much like the Rocketeer. Something I haven't thought of in quite a while. Whiskey Business. Yeah. I think he played

this situation essentially. Dude, I... It was... It was Pauly Shortgo's Jersey Shore. Nailed it. Fuck yeah. Well, what an interesting

perspective you must have as a 21-year-old. How long have you lived in L.A.? Two years. How long have you been 21? Great question. Since June. At least two years, probably. When did you first have sex?

How long ago was this? It was on my... Well, I was technically 19, but also 20. It was like on my 20th birthday, the eve of. Wow. Jesus. Women are so fucked up like that. I'm saving it for the eve of my birthday. Fuck yeah.

Yeah, I think just, you know, more fucking. Cool. I can do that. Are you really going to do anal? Have you done anal? Tried. Didn't work out. Did it hurt too much?

No, it just didn't work. Oh, because he was gay or something? I don't know. I want to try again. So smiley. You got to have a glass of red wine and a Valium. Good to know. Okay.

I'm pretty sure I just heard Red Band come in his pants. Like I heard this weird liquid release and little splash. I actually heard him come in my pants. It's heated because of the salmonella. It's a little hot. Fuck yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost a year and a half.

Wow. So you had six months of pre-fucking comedy. No, I was a virgin when I started comedy. So I had a lot of material about being a virgin, and then I had to scrap all of that when I finally had sex. Jeez. For the best, I guess. Did you find anyone at a comedy show

ever related to your virgin material? Most of the guys. No. Yeah, no. Some girls, like, out of pity would woo. Like, they're proud of me. Why did you choose to remain a virgin for so painfully long?

I was waiting for love. Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm a hopeless romantic. Yeah, you're 21. I can't wait until she's 25 to see the fucking material. Right.

So I do a lot of anal. I don't know if you guys know what blown out means. I got a pink sock. It's going to be a beautiful set,, but... I got a pink sock. It's going to be a beautiful set, though. I got the cutest pink sock. Did I announce that last name right? Naur with a K?

It's Kanaur. Kanaur. Wow. It's a weird subject matter to talk about, how you just had sex and you've only had sex with one person, because it automatically makes us all think like fuck you know now we're all thinking about sex while looking at you sure and so it's very a weird laney is that what you're thinking it's not like a dirty way no no it's in a really very dirty way like i'm thinking like fucking fucking you in the ass

while fucking a dildo at the same time and shitting on you and stuff like that. Sure, I'm not talking about that though. It's boner pills. It's amazing that you have that stuff like that in the back of your brain that you use when the time still isn't right. Honestly, but when you talk about it and you're so beautiful and you talk about such a thing like this, you automatically

kind of like, I got brainwashed and I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about. Could we get a bucket of ice or something? Jesus. It's weird sitting next to dudes with boners on a stage. Oh, God. Well, it's not weird, but it's...

It's only weird because it's out of his pants right now. True. All right. Would you fuck her boyfriend to get to her? I got to try it off. What? Would you fuck her boyfriend to get to her? Would you fuck her boyfriend to get to her? Hand job

He'll take her from behind You take her from behind him Got a yellow jacket But anyways What I was saying is that It is distracting when you bring up sex And you're so innocent and beautiful looking So be prepared that a lot of your material

Is probably going to be a lot of guys going, uh, instead of like, I don't know. Another option is to keep the material and get fat and gross. I don't want to do that. That's not fun. Patriot, what did you think of Leah?

You know, I've heard Dr. Drew say that that constant anal sex can be dangerous. Because when you get older, you might have to wear diapers. Because the shit just fall out. Okay. You've got to be careful. Be careful with that. Farrah Fawcett got colon cancer from it.

That's basically, it's pretty much as good as I think Dr. Drew would say it if he was here. Will you show Iron Patriot your feet? No, no, no. I was like so afraid that he was going to look at them actually. Because I am wearing flats. Okay. Cool. Thank you. What's wrong with your feet? No, no, no. I was so afraid that he was going to look at them, actually. Because I am wearing flats. Okay. Cool. Thank you.

What's wrong with your feet? No, it's just that they're out. You got one of those retarded little toes? I don't know. It just freaks me out knowing that people get turned on by feet

and that I'm wearing flats. Her toe cleavage is on. Those are like naked shoes you're wearing. They're what? Naked. It looks like you're not wearing shoes at all.

Yeah, yeah. Cool. There he goes. He already looked. That's why he said he wasn't going to look. He had already looked. She's not wearing open-toed sandals. I could already tell.

By what, the smell? No, I just looked. I glanced down. You can't see nothing. How long do you think she was on the stage until you had to look at her feet? Tell the truth. You know, I'm always looking at everything in this club to make sure it's the security

system. Yeah. Actually, you're not. We can see where you're looking, and it's only within, like, a 30-degree radius. Seriously, Patriot, what part of her being up here did you look at her feet? I glanced as she got on stage. Pretty early on. That's right, Patriot.

When you have a foot fetish, you own that shit. I mean, I don't know. You're the only pal that I know that has a foot fetish. Patriot, would you consider going to podiatry school? Yeah, do you get a pedicure every once in a while? I don't want to tell you.

What'd she say? She said she didn't want to tell him the answer. That's a perfect answer. Thank you. That's exactly what I would say, too. Leah Knauer, everybody. Yeah, thank you. Knauer.

Knauer. It's an interesting... She's got an O-ring that doesn't even let dicks in at this point. It's true. Very, very tight. Most chicks at 21 are just, you know, I mean, they're on the Sibian already nowadays, you know? Is this guy already following her on Twitter over here?

Yeah, I think that's what's happening right now. Followed! Wow. Nice. So if you follow him back, you're surely going to get a DM in about 13 minutes. You want a podcast? It's that easy.

Welcome to show business, kid. Do you like Olive Garden? Yes. That's interesting. Bruce Boyman? Oh, wow. Holy shit. Oh, yeah.

This is amazing. Get this whippersnapper up here. Fuck yeah. Holy shit. Oh, yeah. This is amazing. Get this whippersnapper up here. Fuck, yeah. Holy fuck. Hey, everybody. Nice to see you. You know, Jewish people have been attracted to comedy, you know, through history. So for the next minute, I'm going to be your village idiot.

Yes. You know, I love interacting with younger people You know it's always interesting You know young people check out older Young guys check out older women You know sexy ones and they call them milf And I'm hoping some nice young lady Is checking me out thinking hey he's a father

I'd like to hump Which would make me filth It worked out. Yeah. It's my minute. In fact, my last girlfriend said I was just like the dog, you know? And she's right. My dog drools because at Sam's Club they have kibbles and bits.

I drool at the strip club because they have nipples and clits. Nailed it. You know, we're all here trying to build a comedy career. And it's dangerous. In the very last episode of The Three Stooges, Curly injured his groin. He became a eunuch.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. God damn it. Wow became a eunuch. Nook, nook, nook. God damn it. Wow, that's a minute. I am an instant fucking fan of Bruce Boyman. Yeah. It's cool because he reminds me

like from the waist up, he's like a dad, but then from the waist to the knees, he's like stone cold, which is cool. Yeah, totally. But well ventilated.

Yeah. And I'm sure it won't be long until he has the two black knee braces. So it actually, he's just going to grow more and more into Stone Cold from the waist down. But instead of beers, he'd be crushing Manischewitz. Bruce, I love your fucking style, man. Like you'll do a joke and then it goes right into something like some kind of interesting. I love the bark at, man. Like, you'll do a joke, and then it goes right into something, like some kind of interesting. I love the bark at the kibbles.

I mean, I didn't like nipples and clits that much, but when that bark came out, my tune changed immediately. Well, it's better to bark into the microphone than drool into the microphone like the dogs. Hey, good point, too. Wonderful mic with no cord. Yeah, it's like fucking crazy-ass technology, the cordless mic.

We got it special. Even the short-sleeved business shirt, that might be what Stone Cold works. He's got a cubicle job now. No, it's from years of being a chiropractor. You were a chiropractor? Retired. And I'll tell you something.

You figured you'd go on a career change and start cracking people up, huh? Son of a bitch. Am I right? Chiropractor jokes, people. I've been waiting to do that for nine years. Well, you know, a chiropractor's work is up to his hands. But when Obamacare pays

for fisting, we'll be in our work up to our elbows. Fucking Obama. Oh, shit. Fucking Obama. The bear is angry that you tried that joke out after your time was up. I think that joke would have worked if he had a barking or Curly's laugh type

sound effect after it. Can you do the eunuch, just that one part again? The end of that? Resundancy? Just say the word eunuch. Eunuch, eunuch, eunuch. Is that what you do? That's so funny. Did it differently that time, but I still am in love with you.

So what do you do now? How long are you in L.A.? You live here? Been in L.A. for a year, doing this for six months. After years in Portland, Oregon. A great town. Good comedy scene. And it was going so well when life fell apart, you know, family courts and things like that. Oh, that's that you into this world fast. Right? This is going Maury. Yeah, quickly.

Seriously. Yeah. Family courts are terrible. Got to get that on the record. My ex wife used to terrorize me with the family court, so I turned her into Homeland Security as the Unimama. Oh, you better look out. Hi, there's Razor. What else was nice is... The bear is launching fireworks still. He creepily rubbed his belly when he told that joke. It was like a nice...

Like that's where his wife is now, like he ate her. You know, we've all heard that acronym MILF, but I've never heard the FILF. Father, I'd like to fuck. And I'm sure Patriot, you must be a really big fan of Bruce because I'm pretty sure that underneath the suit, you guys are about the same age, right? No, I'm 46. Let me tell you something, Tony. You might not make it to 46 with all your smoking. Oh, Jesus. Whoa, take it easy on me.

Or that lip. They put the general warning on cigarettes for a reason, Tony. Good, valid point. Thank you. Thank you, Patriot. Meanwhile, the guy that was making your suit had health issues with whatever paint and whatever the fuck's on that. And you trap your body in it for God only

knows how long a day because his body was hurting because he wears an iron man too he had a lot of pain in his back and hands wait the guy that wears an iron man suit is the same guy that sculpted your uniform yeah he was one of the first ones to make a walking iron man suit back in 2007 he was already working on this thing even before iron man came out in 2008 he was working on This guy is one of the best sculptors in the world. Fuck yeah, there you go. I'm glad Bruce is up here for this talk. Bruce, thank you so much.

Please come back. Sign up again soon. Very funny stuff. He's just holding the microphone like a priest waiting for the song to be over. Oh, he's got business cards. Fuck yeah. He insulted us and called us homeless.

He gives these to all the homeless people we meet. He doesn't have a Twitter handle, but you can call him at... No, I'm just kidding. He does have AOL, however. Version 3.5 it says on here.

That was a good year. 10,000 free hours. If I had no idea who this was and I saw the card, I would know exactly what he looks like. It's got an AOL email, his phone number, and a brick wall with tomatoes smashed up against it. See, I thought it was bloodstains. One's a bloodstain, one's a tomato.

Family courts to the belly room. That guy's making it right now. Yeah, hey. Bruce Boynton. I don't know where your ex-wife is, but I think she can see who's winning now. Hell yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Totally. All right. She might have gotten the money, but... Yeah. Did it not go well, the verdict? totally alright she might have gotten the money but yeah did it not go well the verdict well feel free to come back here use this place as an outlet

one more time for Bruce Boyman everybody finding his dreams out here great sense of humor keep rocking it, Bruce. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Jeff McKinnon, everybody.

Here he is. At Wicked Comedy. Pulling on the red. Hello, everybody. Thank you. You already met my girlfriend, Leah Knauer. Oh, wow. Her time up here was a thrill for me.

She told this whole room I'm the worst fuck she's ever had. And at 21, I don't think she realized, I don't give a shit. I just don't. And interesting enough, I know that you posed that Brian might have to fuck me to get to her.

And I'm not putting anything on the table, but truth be told, I am bisexual, which is a label I don't... It's not a label I like. I prefer sexual double threat. Because when people hear bisexual, they're like, what, so that just means you'll just fuck anybody? It's like,

no. There are still ugly people. Like, I. There are still ugly people. Like, I like very specific types of people. I like short, beautiful women and guys who look kind of like me. It's been like the last 25 years trying to figure out if I'm bisexual or just the most extreme narcissist.

Narcissist, thank you. That's it, everybody. Thanks. There you go. Jeff McKinnon, everybody. Interesting. So you're the one that took Leah's virginity, huh? I did. Fucking A. So do I just put it on your cheek

or something like that? I just drag it on your chin? Redband, just retweet me once and you can get a blowjob. Okay, retweeted right here. I think it's from him, though. They do kind of look alike, a little bit. I kind of have a question. If he's bisexual, how did the ass sex not work out?

I know that was going to be posed. In general, I'm not a fan of anal sex, period. Oh, okay. Cross the board. I find the butthole to be disgusting. So when you're with another dude, you guys are just like blowing each other? Just ramming dicks. Like a mountain goat.

Yeah. We have sword fights And we watch Kathy Griffin I don't know That's That's all there is Alright So you wrote today Joe the plumber said

Wanting a white president Doesn't make you racist It actually makes you American Actually it makes you A racist American And I just retweeted that Thank you Brian Yeah

Alright Leah Can we get you up here? Patriot Secure the back. We've got business to deal with. Fuck yeah. He wants a podcast, too, so this is going to work out. Looks like a double retweet.

Nice. Scroll down. My only advice would be you should definitely break up with that girl. Look, I'm trying to help Red Band here as much as I possibly can. Two comedy couples. It's strange. I think in general.

I have someone to hang out with while I watch this show. Look, it's either going to not work out for you guys as a couple or as comedians. Yeah, to be honest, if she had done much better than me, I probably would have broke up with her tonight.

Well, that's funny you say that because I was going to say she actually did better than you tonight. Thank you, Tony. Brian, you're in business. What's that? Jesus Christ. Who's this wild little firecracker?

That's the snorter too Oh yeah Can't win them all She'll let you fuck those Gaping nostrils she has Because she's a snorter She was the snorter people She doesn't have a weird nose

Or anything Okay Jesus Alright She's got A gaping attitude Come on you're killing the mood. What is that? It sucks that you guys broke up.

Well played. Awesome. Fuck yeah. So what are you going to do now that you're single? Dudes. Snorting later. Kink.com, apparently. I never knew that that opportunity existed here.

Oh, yeah. I know a pretty desperate man by the name of Bruce Boyman. If I could get his AOL account. And I think probably the best way to make his ex-wife see how much better he's doing is to get a shot of a man sucking his dick. And there's nothing much gayer than having your last name be Boy Man. So, I mean, other than Larry Lady Boy,

that's pretty much it. Yeah, you two should totally fuck. Bruce, would you be interested in fucking Jack McKinnon while Red Band fucks his girlfriend? Where did it become that he fucks me? Listen, man, you said you don't like buttholes. Bruce is down with anything.

Fuck yeah, totally. There's nobody that owns that pair of denim shorts he was wearing that doesn't love anal. That's a fact. You want these Levi's shorts that go above your knee? Do you love anal? And's a fact. They make sure you want these Levi's shorts that go above your knee. Do you love anal?

And if the answer is no, they're like, you got to go get Wranglers. Yeah. You're required to steal the denim shorts usually unless you have a barbed wire. Fuck yeah, guys.

I brought my Hot Rod 5000 too. Your girl's in luck. Perfect. What is it? Wow. It's boner pills right there. Oh, okay. Hot Rod 5000.

It's more than a boner pill. It's what this program's brought to you by Not officially but It's what fuels Red Band Yeah absolutely Hey snorter would you be willing to snort Some Hot Rod 5000 No no no Do you snort a boner pill

Have you ever snorted a boner? I haven't, but I like to see one. I like it very much. Wow. Are you 21? No. Do you want to be? There goes Jeff McKinnon, everybody.

Good luck. At Wicked Comedy on Twitter. Fuck yeah. She waited for love, and love was with a bisexual. Unbelievable. I know. He loves blowing dudes. She's waiting for love.

He's waiting for a hole of some sort. They really are in love. I just saw them give each other a kiss on the lips when he got back up there. Nice. Swap and come on. Just like everything's cool. Dude, bisexuals, when you have sex, then you say goodbye, right? Yes.

It's like we just fucked, babe, bye. Oh, Pauly, you are unbelievable tonight. No, it's not fire. All right, I think we have about time for about one more out of the bucket name. Let's see what's going on here. Let's see what we got. Put your hands together for Sarah Wineshank, everybody. Fuck yeah.

I'm looking for Molly. The shanks of life. Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly. What's up, everyone? Anyone eat raisins? Yes. Yeah. One of the only adults I know who eats raisins? Yes. Yeah. One of the only adults I know who eats raisins.

Right? Like, after five years of age, no one's like, I want a snack. Let me have a raisin. Let me have a handful of raisins. Because you're still fucking hungry. You know what I mean? And raisins are weird because, like, most other dried fruit, it just calls what it is after the word dried.

Like dried apricots, dried cherries, dried cranberries. Some like uppity French person was like, we're getting to kill them raisins. And then it stuck. It's weird. Like the only other fruit that's not called dried what it is is plums. Foons. It's weird.

I hate picky eaters that are children. Nothing's worse than a picky child eater. Except for their parent that caters to them. You know what I mean? Because life's hard. Like your kid, if they don't want to eat tomatoes, let them peel that shit off. Because life's hard. You know?

If they don't, it's weird. It's like, take off the onions, okay? Because life's hard. There's lots of challenges. All right. Fuck yeah. Notice that you have a lot of food jokes. I know.

But I just like, because I don't know. I was like on the fence. I was like, do I want to do food again? And then I was like, yeah, I do, I do. But I have other jokes too. But lately I've been like in a real food thing right now. That's awesome. But remember, she did do Jimmy Buffett at the last show.

Yeah, right. Yeah, it wasn't food. Do you really like raisins a lot? I hate raisins. You hate raisins? Yeah. Why? Because they're disgusting.

Like no one wants raisins. Like I'd much rather have a chocolate chip. You know? I have a bowl of Raisin Bran every morning. Fuck yeah. Of course you do. It's a ringing endorsement for Raisin Bran right now. It really is.

Free advertisement that they're very excited. I have another bowl at night too. I have two bowls a day. Really? Have you been smoking pot lately, Patriot? I'm sober right now, but when I get home, I'll have a smoke now. Any deep thoughts or insights from the list? Yeah, yeah.

The most difficult question to answer is, how can we all simultaneously be at the center of our own universe? There you go. Sarah, when you're writing raisin jokes, are you looking at raisins? Are you Googling raisins for inspiration or anything like that? You know, I was actually hanging out

with some children babysitting, but I didn't want to say that because I'm doing stand-up. So I was babysitting, and I was watching this little girl just eat handfuls of raisins, and I was just like, that's foul. If I was hungry, I would have a snack. I wouldn't just be taking as of raisins and I was just like that's foul if I was hungry I would have a snack I want to just be like taking a handful of raisins and

like pouring into my mouth right because they sort of are just rotten grapes yeah it's like a bad taste it's not even like sustenance it's just a taste what are prunes again prunes are dried plums. Do you like Dr. Pepper? Eh. Not really. I like Diet Dr. Pepper. Interesting. That's what I'm drinking right here, dude.

Hey, you already have a girlfriend on this podcast. And a boyfriend. Yeah. I'm trying to get rid of the boyfriend with this girl. Just, hey, just keep them both for now until you figure out which one you really like more. Play both sides. Snorty over there, I'm thinking.

Raisins taste good in cookies, too. Do you babysit a lot? Is that a lot of your day is babysitting? Do you have a lot of material that comes from watching kids? I spend a few days a week babysitting during the afternoons. Yeah, kids, but not too much kids, because I don't want to isolate people by just talking about kids. You know?

Not everyone has them. But everybody does have food. Yeah. It's true. Yeah. I can't wait until she does oxygen jokes.

Really connect with the people. It's just air, you know? Sleep. Make some noise if you sleep once in a while.

Well, there you go. Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Keep it up, guys. Thank you, Sarah Sarah Weinshank everybody. She's a regular, regular, always regular. Torture belt on as well. What's that? She had a torture belt on or something. Oh interesting, I missed that. Patriot, we notice you don't have a belt of any kind. No kind of superhero, no real weapons or anything, huh? No, no.

I can throw it out like this, go. There's gotta be 15 to 16 seven year olds that are scared of that noise. The lasers that must come out. I can crack this fiberglass on your head. Oh, wow. Oh shit, you're not twangin' his voice. You're not twangin' his voice. The lasers that must have... I can crack this fiberglass on your head. Oh, shit. He's got a twang in his voice.

What was that accent? That's Houston Hillbilly. Yeah, you be calling your lawyer real quick. You be suing me. Is that a threat? Yeah. Okay. I like you, Rick, but don't cross the line.

Wow, there you go. I think you just got called out by the patient where is it that's the line the line that he can't cross physically you're my favorite kid fucking superhero no doubt no no Green Lantern then you

well it's time for the regular portion of our show where now it's time for the regular portion of our show where now it's two lovely young ladies regularly do a new 60 Seconds each week on this show. No particular order. Let's do tonight first. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Here she is.

I can adjust. Plus, I can just walk up to a mic and just bust. So, applause. Hi, guys. What's going on? I want to talk about something a little serious tonight. I caught my little sister sexting. And I wouldn't be so upset about it,

but she's 12 years old. Yeah, it's true. And I'm like, what are you sending? Like, is she sending pictures of herself completely naked like yeah i just got a brazilian hayley you don't even have armpit hair you know she's like she's being really bad she she offered our sister our other sister for a threesome and i'm like you you can't even have a twosome or a onesome i'm like hay, Haley, mom and dad are going to kill you. They can never see this.

So I did what every other good big sister would do. I helped her download Snapchat. Thank you. That's a new minute. What's Snapchat? I don't know. I'm not a social media guy. I knew you, old man.

Snapchat's something that you send a photo or a video, and it disappears after a short period of time. So you're like, oh, look at her tits. Oh, it's gone. And you only have like 10 seconds, Are you already friends with her little sister on Snapchat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a very uncomfortable material to kind of go down.

That's like Penn State's finest. I felt like I had to make a joke about it, because it was scary. Maybe not make her 12, because that's like- She's finest. I felt like I had to make a joke about it because it was scary. Maybe not make her 12 because that's like... She is 12. She is sexting. It's crazy. Yeah, this is probably one of those that it would be funnier if it wasn't true

type of jokes. Yeah, because that's not disturbing. Especially when you start talking about her pussy hair and stuff and it's just like, alright, she's 12 years old and you're talking about some pussy hair. Now I'm in my head thinking about a 12-year-old pussy. Right. Aren't you usually?

Dude, I know. Normally, Brian wants to decide when he gets to think of a hairless 12-year-old pussy. He doesn't want anybody telling him. Yeah, he's not a if there's grass on the field, play ball guy. He's a if there's a field, play ball. Right. You have to at least have your first period.

12-year-olds love playing in fields. So yeah. Sandlot style. That happened. Okay. Well. Did you say that she

invited you to do a threesome? No. She like okay she's really innocent. She doesn't actually like hook up with boys. And she was just trying to impress an older boy.

She thought that was the cool thing to say was to have a threesome. 12 years old she's saying this. She's already a fucking cock tease. That's terrible. Dude, what were you? A virgin until you were 21? When did you start having sex? I was 17.

You need to have a serious talk with your sister before she can physically get pregnant. Yeah. You need to talk to your mom about this. I did. She told me to make a joke about it. Your mom? She was like, oh my God, Kimberly,

you have to do that on your freaking comedy. See, I think maybe if you would have done the mom accent while talking about the little sister pussy. Replace the mom part with the pussy hair. There you go. Oh, okay. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Thank you. Always something new and different.

Sandy, I love this look that you have. Yeah. What look? It's like the dude Belushi. Very Rick Ross on the beard. That's what I was going for that you have. Yeah. What look? It's like the dude Belushi. Yeah. Very Rick Ross on the beard. That's what I was going for

with the beard. Yeah. All right. I drink a lot of rosé, too. Our second comedian, as always, regular here since episode one,

Sarah Mostajabi, everybody. What's up, guys? I'm not ready to be a mom. I'm not ready to wake up angry every day. I've been throwing up every day for like 20 years. I'm not ready to like give up all that hard work. Yeah, fucking that's where you know where I'm going. You know, my mom told me, she said,

Sarah, whatever you do, don't have kids. You're just going to fuck them up. And I said, well, you just, what, you don't want to, like, pass down the tradition, or... I figured it'd be nice. I'd be afraid of what kind of mom I would be. I was driving through Burbank the other day because I hate myself.

And I saw a mom carrying a tiny little dog and dragging a child on a leash. That would definitely be the kind of mom I would be. I've only had one thought or dream where I was a mom. And basically in the dream, there was a baby in a crib. I put a piece of paper on its face and seen. That's what me being a mom is like. So it's just not going to go well.

If I lay any eggs, I'm going to step on them. Do you get where I'm going? Who says you have to keep them, right? Control-Alt-Delete. There you go. Casey Anthony, everybody. The lovely Casey Anthony. It was just a matter of time before she started doing comedy.

While we're on the subject of Casey Anthony, though, I think there's still a chance that kid killed herself. No, I mean, it's like Michael Vick's dogs. Those dogs killed themselves because he wouldn't let them fight anymore. All right, maybe not. Very young suicide, that would have been. Yeah. dogs. Those dogs killed themselves because he wouldn't let them fight anymore. Alright, maybe not. Very young suicide. That would have been... Plus the self-burial is hard to explain.

Talent is talent. That's where things get really interesting. Sandy, I love your smile. This entire podcast is just me enjoying your smile. She's buttering you up, man. Sandy loves butter. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare before? No. You want one? me enjoying your smile. Oh, thank you. It's so amazing. She's buttering you up, man. That's right. Sandy loves butter.

Have you ever had a pregnancy scare before? No. You want one? Nice. No, I'm barren. Just so you know, that was the hottest thing every dude in this room heard. What?

Oh, yeah. No pull out. Got it. I have one of those permanent little coat hanger things in my cervix. It's pretty great. That doesn't sound comfortable at all. I like the bit that you had with holding the dog and dragging the baby. Is that what you said?

Yeah. Make sure you emphasize that because that almost sounded like how it was supposed to sound. I almost was like, wait, she said it the opposite. Aha, that's funny. But you know what I mean? You kind of just floated over that and went to the next one, but really emphasize that that's a funny joke, especially in this city.

I legit saw that, and I was so confused by it. This would definitely be the exact kind of parent I am. I wouldn't own a carriage, but I definitely would own one of those little dog carriers. Patriot, what's your input? Let me say something to Sarah. I recently watched the film The Kids Are Alright,

you know, with Annette Bening and Julianne Moore. They were like a lesbian couple raising kids. Would you see yourself having kids that way or with a guy? Oh, I don't see myself

having children. I think that's what this whole bit was about. No, I think you'd be... Sarah? That was pretty much what it was all about. You'd be a great mother. Sarah, I've known you for

four months now. You're crazy, Patriot. This is why I don't let dudes come at me. It sounded like he was saying more, though, you'd be a great lesbian parent. No, no, no, either way. She had it with a guy, too. I see you being great with kids.

You should start hanging out with her more, Patriot. I think we found a love made on Kill Tony guy, too. I mean, I just, I see you being great with kids. I just see it. You should start hanging out with her more, Patriot. Yeah, I think we found a love made on Kill Tony tonight, everybody. Oh, yeah. There she goes. Sarah Mostajabi, everyone. Yeah. So much fun tonight. What a blast. Yeah, good times. A lot of great talent out there in other

rooms. Hey, I got my money on Bruce Boyman. He's my pick of the night as my MVP. I love a guy chasing his dreams. Yeah, I do too. The boy man. What do you guys got coming up? Anything to promote?

Rick Ingram. You're Rick Ingram on Twitter, which is one of my favorite Twitters to follow. Always funny. I'm on Twitter and Embrace the Hate podcast. And that's pretty much it for me. Sandy. Same thing. I'm Rick Ingram on Twitter.

Sandy Danto on Twitter. No, I'm Sandy Danto on Twitter. Thank you. The regular ladies are Kimberly Congdon and Sarah Dresses on Twitter. Comic Patriot on Twitter. One of the mainframe, main social media responders of the show. So I'm Tony Hinchcliffe, Red Band. And I'm Red Band.

You'll see us October 31st in San Diego. American Comedy Code. Thank you, guys. I'm trying to tell you And whenever you don't even try You can buy if you don't get loose Lose, kick off the sudden mess Moody, money, shake, shake the money Oh, my Lord, come on, come on, let's go Thank you.