KILL TONY - KILL TONY #202

Episode Date: March 30, 2017

Moshe Kashir, Dom Irrera, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 03/20/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Not only does Kill Tony record every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California, we're also going to be on the road. And we have an important important announcement uh our moon tower festival in austin was originally supposed to be on 4 21 april 21st it has been moved to april 22nd that's a saturday so austin texas moon tower festival us it's going to be on april 22nd it's at a venue called Speak Easy on Congress Avenue. You can go to the Moon Tower's website for more information and to get passes. And then on April 23rd, we are at The Secret Group in Houston.

And we are also doing a Kill Tony there. Two days in a row, Kill Tony. So Houston, it's going to be on the 23rd which is a sunday and that show starts i believe at eight o'clock and then after it we have a huge secret show and there's going to be a lot of secret guests including a very golden one that we can't talk about but that also has lewis j gomez you have jeremiah watkinskins from Kill Tony and everything else. You have me. You have Josh Martin, also from Kill Tony and Lucas Hurl. It's going to be a lot of fun, a lot of secret guests. So there's two shows on Sunday in Houston. So check it out. You can always go to death squad

dot TV and click on tour dates for more info. And if you live in Los Angeles, you're lucky, especially this week. We have two Death Squad secret shows. Not only do we have March 29th, which is a Wednesday, we have a secret show at the Laugh Factory. That's with Tom Green, Moshe Kasher, Brendan Walsh, Kate Quigley, Justin Martindale, a bunch of people. So that's this Wednesday at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles. And then Thursday, we have another secret show. This time, we're at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles. And then Thursday, we have another secret show. This time, we're

at our home base at the Comedy Store. And that has Steve-O, Steve Rinozzisi, Bobby Lee, Chris D'Elia, Kurt Metzger, George Perez. It's going to be a huge show. Tony Hinchcliffe's on it. You can always go to Death Squad and check out more information.

Don't forget to go to Tony's website.'s hands tony's website i almost called him tony winchcliffe tony henchcliffe's website tonyhenchcliffe.com there you have all his tour dates and his merch and everything else tony henchcliffe the golden pony and ryan j ebelt the house artist just released his second poster wow and this one's badass so So check out the new Kill Tony poster by going to ryanjebelt.com and support an artist. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Ripon coming to you live from the real famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Tony Henscliffe. Yeah, hi everyone. Hello, good evening, welcome. Happy Monday to you all. This is Brian Red Band, everybody. That's Josh Martin. Look at it, it's Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode

and you are the very first audience ever to see the reveal of the brand new Kill Tony poster right there, ladies and gentlemen. It's hanging up. From Ryan J.E. Belt. Un-fucking-believable. Featuring the Breaking News new Kill Tony poster featuring the entire band, Ali Makovsky. Look at that.

And you can even see Ryan's hands on the top drawing the whole thing. One bucket, one microphone. 60 seconds to Kill Tony. The new poster. Available soon on RyanJBell.com. You notice Josh is the one behind the West Hollywood bear?

He's riding it. Oh yeah. Josh Martin is riding the bear. He's deep in that bear. There he is. Right there. Josh Martin. So the bear. He's deep in that bear. There he is right there, Josh Martin. So life is good. This show, Kill Tony, that you're at right now is going to be in Austin, Texas on April 21st and Houston, Texas on April 23rd. Yes. We have two shows on the 23rd. Is it March?

No, it's April. Okay, perfect. Yeah, we have Austin. We're at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. It's a Friday night. And then Sunday we have A Kill Tony in Houston. And we're also followed by a secret show with Luis J. Gomez and Jeremiah Watkins and Josh and Lucas Hurl and maybe some other people. Yep, and I'm doing stand-up in a bunch of cities.

That's all available at TonyHinchcliffe.com. You guys ready to start the motherfucking show or what? Huh? Great. You know what I love? We're back in the belly room for the first time in a month. This is the longest we've ever

gone without being in the belly room. We did three main room shows featuring 200, 199, and 201. We're back for 202 and I love this fucking room and I love that you're all here with us tonight and I'm super excited about tonight's guest because two of our favorites, two of the truly best Kill Tony guests,

put your hands together for the great Dom Irera and Moshe Kesher. Yes. Two of the best comedians in the world. Two of our favorite guests on Kill Tony. The beast of this show. on Kill Tony. The beast of this show. Hey, Tony. Moshe's got a pretzel. Yeah, I was hungry.

Hi, Dom. How are you, buddy? Hi, Tony. How are you? That's the first time Dom didn't talk into the microphone tonight. For those of you with your Kill Tony bingo cards, you can mark off that spot. Hi, Tony.

How are you? Great, Don. I'm going to make a clear, resonant voice, he says. I'm ready to judge people. Well, I mean, we're going to have fun. We're going to meet some people. Life is good. Moshe, what did you just do?

Something crazy. Oh, yeah. I just jerked off in the bathroom getting ready for this show. When does your show come out on Comedy Central? April 18th. Tuesday, April 18th. The newest show on Comedy Central. Problematic.

Yeah. With Moshe Kesher. Very excited. Got your own motherfucking show, baby. I'm so excited, man. The format is basically we get younger comics to come up. They do a minute or so of material. And then I just roast those boys.

It's just a cool idea from my brain or whatever. It's about time a Jew got a break in this business. Dom's got a new show coming out. It's reruns of Seinfeld. Still syndicated. It's still syndicated. Mocking. I actually do have a show coming out.

Oh, well, I coming out I was just saying You were a regular guest on the biggest sitcom of all time That's always running And he took it personally He's like fuck you Tony What do you mean I got other things other than Seinfeld I got other credits I got Hey Arnold

I just think it's amazing Hey Arnold is awesome Ernie I love it You're still listing other credits Hey, Arnold, it's awesome. That's my favorite credit. Ernie, Ernie. I love it. You're still listing other credits. I'm still a compliment, but I was kidding. Hey, any of you guys remember the Golden Girls? Come on.

Did you really do the Golden Girls? I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, I did. That's so cool. That's literally, I think that's like the funniest show of all time. Yeah, it was. Which one did you fuck? Which one did you match?

Who's your girlfriend? There's only one to fuck. It's Blanche. She'd fuck anybody. When you say fuck, do you mean in the ass or regular? Regular. Down so old school, he doesn't even know what you mean by fuck. You got to clarify where I come from.

You're going after me now. I can't stand it. Let's be supportive. We're in love with you, Tom. going after me now. I can't stand it. I'm being supportive. We're in love with you, Tom. These are all compliments. You're very on edge tonight, just like you were when you were driving the car in the big Lebowski. Ooh.

It was fun working with those guys. I think I carried that fucking movie. You know what's on the new poster and what's one of my favorite parts of this entire show is the band. The band here at Kill Tony. And here they are, ladies and gentlemen. It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins,

and Joel Jimenez, the Kill Tony band. They do something different every week. Always a different intro. Wow! It's Power Rangers! Wow! The Power Rangers, everybody. That's pretty much the reception I would expect

for the Power Rangers. More like the Power Bottom Ranger. Oh, my. Joel Jimenez already firing missiles. Wow. The Power Rangers. Must be a slow week in the news, huh? Our new movie comes out this weekend, Tony.

Oh, wow. Did you ever see his girlfriend, his fiancee? Yeah. I look at him and I look at her and I think, how fucking does that happen in life? Oh, she's super ugly, you mean? No, she's beautiful. So how did she pull that guy?

That's a really large hoodie you're wearing, Jeremiah. What are you hiding under there? A gut. The band is here. Everything is, business is a booming. You guys ready to start the motherfucking show or what? There's a bucket

right in front of me with a bunch of people that signed up for the show. If your name gets pulled out of the bucket and you signed up for the show, then it's happening. You have 60 seconds. Wrap it up in 60 seconds. You'll hear the sound of a cat. Bring your set to a conclusion right around then. Earl, she's going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

There's the goat. The goat. So let's just jump right into it. You guys ready to start the show or what? Here we go. People sign up. And then after 60 seconds, we talk to them about anything in the world.

First person getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds here tonight goes by the name of Jake Sheffer. The heart is true. You're a man in the dark. Oh, no. No Jake, huh? Yikes.

I thought he was clever. Blacklist him. How about Eric Shryock? Here he comes. And invited everyone you knew. You would see the biggest gift would be from me. And the card attached would say, thank you for being a friend. Hey, guys.

Despite popular belief, I'm obese. Yeah, I have this thing called sleep apnea, and for those of you who don't know what that is, it basically means as soon as I start to sleep, I almost immediately start to die. Yeah, my throat has so much fat in it, my unconscious self can't hold it open while I sleep, so I need a machine to do it for me. It is convenient as shit, especially when you bring a chick home, you know? Adds one more step to the process, you know, you pinch the mask on and you press the button and it's. And it's great. You don't even need a safe word. Like, you know, if she ever wants you to get off, all she has to do is like garden hose, pinch it and I'll pass out in two minutes.

You know, it never gets that far, though. Usually they walk in and they're all, what the fuck is this? I don't need this shit for pleasure. I'm like, I don't need it for pleasure either. I need it to live. There you go, Eric. Shryock, everybody. Fuck yeah. Okay, okay.

Maybe these stingers get... Okay. Oh, my God. See that? Three songs, Tony. Three songs. These outro stingers off the comedians get longer every week. Am I the only one noticing this? Was that sarcasm?

Was that sarcasm from the band? We just talked about that. Three verses of Go Go Power Rangers to play him out on that? Was that sarcasm? Was that a sarcasm from the band? We just talked about that. Three verses of Go Go Power Rangers to play him out on that? Yeah, and they wanted four. Eric Shryock, you guys are firing

lasers over there. You kind of lost me on the second part of your joke. At first, it was killing, and then I didn't get the, when you brought home

the girl, you lost me there. Was the mask on your dick? No, you got to put the mask on because I fall asleep right after, immediately after. Oh, that was the condom. You pinch the tip and you roll it back. You pinch the tip and roll it back? Yeah.

Let me see. What's a condom? Let's start there. Condoms, you know. Oh, you're gay? No, I'm not gay. Okay, that's crazy. I've heard about that,

but that's not for me. Raw dog cashier in the house. Who said that? What? R.D. Coy. That's why I got that AIDS, man. You could lose some of that weight. Super irresponsible.

The apnea would melt away, but so would all the years of your life. I thought at least he had material, though. He came out, he had tight material. I thought the obese thing was kind of self-evident. You didn't need that. You didn't need to tell people you were fat. We can see that.

But, I mean, it's redundant in a sense. But I love the way you actually wove a tight set together in 60 seconds. Thanks. I appreciate it. Yeah. Let me ask you this. Do you have a girlfriend? I do.

How long have you guys been dating? We've been off and on for like nine years. Off and on. Oh, damn. Nine years. Once he gets on, he can't get off. Once the sleep apnea thing came up, it was kind of a rough time. He's like, I've been trying to break up with her for eight years.

I just can't get out of the bed. You said once the sleep apnea thing came up, things started getting a little rough. She had to wear a mask. She has a fear of getting strangled in bed. What does it sound like?

Like a Roomba. Like a Roomba? Like a Roomba? A Roomba? A Roomba. That sounds delightful. This motherfucker has a disease. It sounds like a Caribbean island. It's like steel drums.

A Roomba. A Roomba Jamaica, who I want to take. So do you have a Roomba? I don't have a Roomba, but my office. Yeah, I have one at my office. Well, my manager's do. What do you have a Roomba? I don't have a Roomba, but my office... Yeah, I have one at my office. Well, my managers do. What have you been on Amazon? I'm on HR Admin.

You ever been on Amazon.com? Yeah. All right. Oh, man. That's crazy. Obviously, Pat Reagan got a new sponsor the rest of us didn't find out about. Wait, Kill Tony...

Pat's taking a special crowd work class here at the Comedy Academy. Kill Tony is sponsored by Crest. Crest. Stay fresh with Crest. Yeah, an empty tube of toothpaste. Normally in the commercials, they have a full tube when they're marketing it. I like your approach,

because it says you believe in the product, you've used it. It's new, it's different, it's fresh. You would think they would do that like that. So, Eric, what do you do for work? What's your office? I work for Atlas Financial Services and I'm an HR manager. Wow, financial services.

Yeah. Like business financing. Big business. Yeah. I just hire and fire people though. You fire people? Yeah. Damn. That would suck. Yeah.

Yeah. To get fired by you. That would be so humiliating. Yeah. Is it over an open flame? Can you give us an example of how you would let somebody go? Yeah. There you go.

That's great. Well. Like say you're going to fire me and I don't understand what I did. I worked my hardest. What would you say? How would you do it? Well, I'd probably just say, Dom. Hey, fuck you, man.

Yeah. The first person I had to fire was. I had to wear a fucking sleep apnea machine at night. The first person I had to fire was actually one of my best friends at the office. Like I got hired and then my manager was like, cool, now fire him. I'm like, oh, it's like a gang initiation. That's cool. You really down with us?

You got to kill Smiley. That was bled in, bled out for sure. Interesting. Did you guys stay friends after that? Yeah, actually, we were going airsofting that weekend. Air what? Airsofting. Air what?

Airsofting. Is what? Airsofting. Is that BB gunning? What the fuck is that? It's like paintball, but with BBs, yeah. Damn. You shoot each other? Yeah. It's like paintball, but without the mess.

You seem like you would be the worst at that sport. It's hard for me to hide places, yeah. It's like paintball, but without the paint? Yeah. Wow. You probably used to be in paintball, but then you look like a fucking... Does it hurt any less? Oh, for me?

Not for you. I mean, those are probably in you still. Oh, uh... That's cool. That Appian mask probably has those BBs like all night long. Ping, ping, ping. Yeah, I think it hurts less than paintball. Hey, Tony, you know, remember last week when I bought that gun off Amazon?

Now I have this really scary gun that I can't take outside because I'll get shot or people will call the police on me. It looks like a real fucking assault rifle. Yeah, it's an airsoft gun. Yeah. I can't go out of the house. That's just stupid. Yeah, no, I know. I know buying a gun last week live on the air while we were doing a professional show was stupid when you started doing it. It's no surprise to me that the conclusion

was boring and stupid and illegal as well. That's funny, though. Your conclusion from looking at assault rifle, your big inconvenience of it is that you can't leave the house with it. No, I can't do anything with it. The worst part about the AR-15 is you can't leave the house with it. You can't do anything.

It's just for selfies in the kitchen. I want a latte. I got this assault rifle. What am I supposed to do? Leave it at home? Not an option. Eric, any other special things that you do? You're into airsofting.

What else? Why do I feel like you're a part-time DJ in a hotel lobby or something like that? Do you have any pets? I do have a pet, yeah. Why am I interested to find out what kind of pet this is? A rat? A tarantula? No, it's a dog. Have you ever heard of a chupacabra?

Oh, yeah! Yo, I did hear that. I think that's the thing that killed Smiley! Smiley! Man, Ron Don Kessler with the callback, baby. R.D.K. What's the pet? It's a dog.

Sounds a little suspicious to me. It's a, sure, it's a dog. Yeah, that's what it is, a dog. Oh, did I say dog? I meant human lady that I kidnapped. Oh, my God. What kind of dog is it? It is a golden retriever.

You're a fucking liar, dude. You're a fucking criminal. You're a fucking liar, bro. What are you like? Of all the things to lie about, we've stumbled across something here. We're about to all be witnesses to a crime. Hey, Tony, ask me what kind of dog I have. Dom, what kind of dog do you have?

It's a... I forget. I forget. Oh, shit. And it was the most generic dog it could have been. So, what's your name? It's Bob

Mainstreet. That's where I live. Mainstreet. Golden Ret I live. Main Street. The old golden retriever. How long have you had this golden retriever, Eric? Two years. He's like, I don't know how long do dogs live. A hundred years.

What's the dog's name? Waffles. Wow. Now that I believe. Yes, exactly. That golden retriever named Waffles? We are Waffles. You love Waffles, don't you, Eric?

I love both, yes. All right. His other dog is named Chicken. So silly. I got a tarantula named Roscoe. Oh, God. Eric, so much fun meeting you, man. We spent a lot of time with you.

This was my first time. Really? Ever? Ever. Wow, that's great, dude. Yeah. Wow. I came.

My buddy told me. After that whole dog thing, I don't know why we're believing that, by the way, for a second. Yo, that was a good debut, man. That was really good. First time ever. Awesome. My buddy brought me to Kill Tony two. Awesome. And I literally, my buddy brought me to Kill Tony two weeks ago.

Then I came to the, that was the 200 show. And I signed up that night. I was like, fuck it. I'm gonna do it. Hey, we're out of time, but dude, I gotta tell you. I get it. That's pretty dope. That was good. That's as cool as it gets. That's what I love

about this, is people at least getting to, you know, try to fucking have a chance to do something cool and talk to people and be on a real show. And you just did it, buddy. That was a lot of fun. Congratulations, Eric Shryock. Thanks, guys. There he goes. Another cherry-popping good time here on Kill Tony with the debut of Eric Schryock. He's on Twitter at EricTheAverage.

Eric with a K. Eric The Average. That was a good debut. That was a good first set. Totally. Second one's gonna suck. Yeah, it's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt.

There's no mask that you can put on to save you from your second set, Eric. All the confidence in the world. It's a sleep apnea. The second one sucks. The third one, the fourth one, then you find yourself in your apartment staring at a weird AR-15 wondering what to do.

It becomes so personal. I would kill my dog if I had one. So what do you think the deal was? It was obviously a small dog, like a little shih tzu or something. Oh, you think he was embarrassed about it? Yeah, it was like a shih tzu. He's lying about his dog.

I don't think it was a dog at all. I think the lie started at dog. Maybe it's a snake or something. I don't know, there's something. Golden retrieval named Waffles. I wish Kill Tony could get search warrants for people to get pulled out of the bucket for us to do follow-up. That would be the great show.

It's just the follow-up of the podcast. They thought they were going to be on a podcast. Until they were trapped between enemy lines. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Matt Tabor, everybody. No Matt Tabor. Blacklisted.

Alright. Put your hands together for Patrick B. That's a real person. All right. Put your hands together for Patrick B. That's a real person. Patrick B. Here comes Patrick B, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. I appreciate that. All right.

Calm down. So just got here from Hawaii, guys. Thank you. Oh, appreciate that. All right, calm down. So, just got here from Hawaii, guys. Thank you. It was pretty easy. Just bought a ticket. I didn't have to do any rowing. But now I'm here. I had the best job out in Hawaii. I tell you, I don't know why I switched it up. I was a beach boy working on the beach. No shirt, no responsibilities. Get to walk around with no shoes and talk to hot women all day. So, of course, I figured out a way to fuck that all up.

I got fired. I said, fuck it. I'm going to go be a comedian because my life is a joke. Now I'm out here. A lot of people ask me about Hawaii, but mostly they're interested about my accent, because when I start to drink, I sound like I'm the offspring of if a cowboy raped Rachel Dozal, if anyone knows who that is. Hasn't been in the news, but yeah, I kind of like, I ride that line. If you haven't heard about her, just know that she's on food stamps now. If that's not irony, I don't know what is. Patrick B., ladies and gentlemen, he did it. Awesome.

Awesome. Wow. So was that your first set, ever doing stand-up? So it was my first set. I've done poetry before. No shit. You've done slam poetry? Yeah. By the way, you just my first set. I've done poetry before, but usually... No shit, you've done slam poetry? Yeah. By the way, you just did it again. I get laughs, and

so, you know, I figure, why not, right? You couldn't possibly have a more I've-done-slam-poetry affect than you do right now. Do you have a pet? I do. I do. You do? Yeah. What's this pet? My pet? I got a boa. By the way, this is a great new question

I've come up with here on this specific episode. What's your pet? By the way, I also love that it's almost like, now it's beating like, what do you do for work? Is that your first time doing snake? Hey, what's your pet, bud? A big boa?

Dude, you couldn't have a more, I have a boa vibe if you tried. I felt a fucking Haven't I been saying snake the whole goddamn time? It was your weird energy I was feeling. I'm sorry about that. What are the odds of that? And if the snake in the slam board doesn't blow your mind

I smoke weed as well. It's a true story. How did you know? That's all out of me. They call me the Ha-Wigger. Peace. Wow, that's powerful. I have that effect.

One could almost say he's a Honolulu girl. Tony, actually. Wait, what? My beau's name is Tony. After this Tony? No. Oh, man, thank God. Who'd you name it after?

Tony Danza. Tony the Tiger. No, Tony the Snake. Yeah. I thank God. Who'd you name it after? Tony Danza? Tony the Tiger? No, Tony the Snake. Yeah. I mean, it was a cool name. Did you name it after Rachel Dolzeal? Oh yeah. That would be my one note. Well, I have a bunch of notes, but you should research the name of the person

who's the punchline of your joke, because that's not how you pronounce her last name. Dude, I know. That's a tough last name. I should have just said who it was. I mean, we say things differently in Hawaii. Right. So I'm going to have to argue with that constructive criticism on that. It's funny. Why do you sound like a dude from San Diego in your Hawaii impression?

Hawaii is the San Diego of the United States. Pretty good. Jeremiah Waten. What island are you from? Oahu. That is so fucking cool. When did you get to Los Angeles? Mid-February.

Did you bring your snake with you? No, I just got that recently. You got it out here? Yeah. You've been here since mid-February, and you're like, first things first. Yeah, I moved quick.

First things first. Let me get a fucking boa. I'm going to get a snake and then I'm going to try stand-up comedy. That's it. Then I'll move back. What's your living situation?

You live by yourself? No, I live in shared housing. Shared housing. You went and got a fucking snake? Yeah, they don't know about it. They don't know about it? Right. I'm probably not going to be there very long.

Really? I mean, in my defense, the snake gives me like $2.50 a week to live there. Did you grow up on Oahu? No. That's the longest... Everywhere. I'm not from anywhere, really. But Hawaii for seven years. Yeah, it's a long story. I can't really talk about it.

What a long, strange trip it's been, right? I've heard that before. Can you give us a little bit, just a tidbit of the stuff that you say that you can't talk about? But in slam poetry cadence, okay? Yeah. There I was, growing up was no joke. I took a toke and I opened

my third eye. Boom. Killed Tony. My Tony, the snake. Tony, the comedian. Tony, the tiger. Tony Danza. Who am I? I'm the private dancer. Oh, wahoo. Most are motherfucking casher. I can't follow that.

I can't follow that. What was that? I can't follow that. That was too good. Hey, man, that was pretty dope. Do you want to join me in my sublime cover band? Do you play any instruments?

No, not well. Really? Yeah. You never took the time to learn the guitar, huh? Not, no. Huh. No, not well. Really? Yeah. Never took the time to learn the guitar, huh? Not, no. Huh. Do those rain stick things count?

Joel Jimenez at two for two. Look out for him. He's on a Bill Goldberg-like streak on this show recently. Just literally. People say that he can't fail. Joel Bird. Make it three for three. Planking in another one. Wow.

Man, so Patrick B., so you're even at the level to where you're not even going by your last name. You've done some shit. You're on the run right now. You got a snake. Yeah, that ain't bullshit. Wow.

Yeah, my warrants. Wow. You for real have to snap. Yeah, that ain't bullshit. Wow. Yeah, my warrants. Wow. You for real have warrants? Yeah, man. I'm really good, Brian. Wait, did that one dude, that racist guy from Hawaii ever come after you? What's that guy's name with the mullet? Dog?

Oh, Dog. That was the earlier comedian. He was like, it's Dog. It's called Dog. I figured it out. So can you tell us how many hacky sacks you stole? Have you ever seen Dog the Bounty Hunter? Like in real life?

In real life. No. I saw someone playing him for Hawaii Five-0 but not the actual dog. It was very meta. You were at the taping for Hawaii Five-0? You'd have to be there.

How long have you had those dreadlocks for? Four years. You like that amount of time? That's a four yearyear head right there. Hell yeah. Instead of going to college, I grew up at Dreadlocks.

Patrick, what's the last legal job that you had? That was as the beach boy. As a beach boy. How did you get paid as a beach boy? The way that you made it sound? Unbelievable.

The beach boys. For you idiots, that's the beach boys that Brian nailed immediately. As he said. Tony, I don't get this. You're running from the law but you're trying to do something that is a public thing. I figure they'll never look for me on stage.

No, I don't. Which, to be fair, that's true. With your act, they'll never find you. That's why I don't worry about much. That included. You can't tell us what you're in trouble about? No, I really don't worry about much. That included. You can't tell us what you're in trouble about? No, I really don't like to talk about it

because it's the trigger. You know what I'm saying? I'd get into... Oh, he's a rapist. That's cool. I got a serious question. Is it hard to run from the law in flip-flops? Wow! Holy shit!

Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Probably the funniest thing you'll ever see. We could start those chants after he kills him. I would really appreciate that. Patrick B.

Man. For a second there, you put the mic in the mic stand like you realize the cops might be on their way right now. Man. Interesting. And you definitely can't tell us what it is. You're unbuttoning the top button of your shirt. Were you trying there? You can go for it. You can go for it. You don't mind tell us what it is. You're unbuttoning the top button of your shirt. Were you trying there? You can go for it.

You can go for it. You don't mind? I appreciate it. I once saw Mike Tyson do this at the roast of Charlie Sheen. Is it bigger than a bread box? He kept trying to unbutton his jacket. Look for it next time you watch that. I get residuals every time.

Next time I watch it, I'll for sure look for it. I wasn't specifically talking to you, Pat. Millions and millions of roast fans out there. That's my boy, Patty Rager. Now I specifically want you to watch it, Pat. So wait, Pat? Yeah, that's cool. Oh, so that's not even your real name?

Patrick is my legal name, yes. Oh, okay. That's your government name. Right, right. No, Patrick even your real name? Patrick is my legal name, yes. Oh, okay. That's your government name. Right, right. No, Patrick is your slave name. What's your soul name? My soul name, what I feel, I don't like to put labels to it, man. Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Crystalline energy, man. That's awesome. How long until you're off of no more warrants, though? How can we free you? Well, I'm still trying to find a lawyer, and hopefully he'll do all of that technical stuff.

You're telling me that you found a snake before a lawyer? A lot cheaper. In a weird way, a lot of lawyers are snakes. When you think about it, I did find a lawyer. See, it was kind of a bummer because I thought President Obama was going to pardon me, but it didn't work out. I mean,

the other bummer, I would say, was that I saw the doors and it said, ride the snake. So I bought the snake and I sat on it. They didn't mean it literally at all. Patrick. I'm really hoping for a payout on that one. What did you name the snake? Tony, I already told you that.

Tony, that's your name, right? God damn it. Yeah, don't piss him off, man. He's got bodies. Yeah, I'm getting a little heated. Did you hook up with a lot of chicks walking the beach in Hawaii? Well, you know, funny thing, actually. I got to give a shout out to Tony because he gets me all my chicks

because they always want to see the boa. Oh, Tony the snake. Yeah. Interesting. You're like, if you like boas, you'll love a worm. Look down. Yeah. Where are you originally, originally, originally from?

So I was... Oklahoma. Born in Fort Ord, which is in Monterey, California. Fort Ord? Fort Ord. I was born in Mordor. Mordor? Mordor.

Well, as the crow flies, it's a two-week walk from the Shire. It's actually where the only thing that's really worth of note is that Jerry Garcia was stationed there for a little bit. But I moved there when I was... That's Northern California, Monterey. Okay. How long did you go to Hawaii for? Seven years, as long as I've lived anywhere. Yeah, that probably would be.

That's how that normally works. Yeah. If you moved to a place. But it's tough, see, because you get into shit out there, and you really do got to paddle if you want to get away from the cops. It's a little... How often were you running from the cops? Can you tell us that on a regular basis?

Let's say a regular week. How many... I mean, it averages out over... I'm a mathematician mostly and I deal in means and statistical averages. Can you give us an example of you getting really close to getting caught

and then getting away with it? Yeah, I don't want to say that I ran from the law a lot, but the movie Point Break was based off my life. Patrick, can you give us an example? Well, honestly, before I started growing dreads, I didn't really even have to run. I could just stand around and I didn't have to worry about anything. But other than that, man, it's usually not close. Maybe it doesn't get close. You were a drug dealer.

Yeah, I don't do much running, that's for sure. You're about to be murdered, Pat, like that. I know. You are a mark man at this point. Are you a narc? It sounds like it. I'm a narc. You're a narc.

Yeah. Why don't you just shave your dreads? This is a good idea. I can't believe I didn't think about that. Wow. Hey, Patrick, just remember this. Yo. Yeah.

After the show, we were walking to our cars. I was nice to you. It's true. There he goes. Patrick B., everybody. You met him here. I appreciate that. Guess what? No Twitter handle for him., everybody. You met him here. Guess what?

No Twitter handle for him. You can't follow him anywhere. It's blank underneath his name. Patrick B. You get to guess what his last name is. I'm guessing breaking and entry. Awesome. Hi, everybody.

You guys having fun? Pulled another name out of the bucket. How about Joey Newfield? Uh-oh. What's up? So where are my people at? By round of applause, where are my people at who smoke weed because it's fun? Come on. All right, all right. What's up, LA? Nice, nice.

Now by round of applause, where are my people at who don't smoke weed because it can get real scary inside your head? All right, nice, nice. Let's hang out and avoid the people clapping for us. Because I don't know about you guys, but I have this issue with weed where if someone asks me if I want to hit it's basically the same thing as someone asking me hey man do you want to have a good time or maybe have an insane few hours full of paranoia and I was recently in a really bad accident and I was prescribed medical marijuana and I told my doctor about this issue and he said don don't worry Joey, medical marijuana is not like weed. And I'll give it to him, he was right. But he left out a small detail.

Medical marijuana is not like weed. Medical marijuana is like weed that took some bad MDMA, then tried to smoke some weed to come down from the meth, then realized, oh no, that's my crack pipe, then tried to wash it down with a bottle of water, then realized, oh no, that was a hit of vodka, so I took a hit of that. And I heard the cat. Aw, guys. Thanks, guys.

There you go, Joey Newfield. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, it is, yeah. Straight from the cast of Book of Mormon. Yeah. It's good to have you here. Good for you. I'm white. It's about time somebody did a bit about weed, huh? Yeah, did you even end up smoking weed during that?

What? Yeah, yeah. Do you wear black every day? And second question, are you very organized? I am very organized. I got here from work, so yeah. Yo, the other dude was a criminal on the run from the law. I'm so much more scared of you right now. Yeah.

You literally look like the guy that's on the cover of that one haunted stories that you have to read when you're a kid book. You know what I'm saying? It's that fucking, look at that weird fucking, like you answer the door. Are you an actor? I'd like to be one day. You could be. Totally in a haunted house. Absolutely.

You're the greeter. Good evening. Welcome. Joey, what the fuck do you do? It looks like you umpire at a fucking golf course or something like that. There's some kind of like, no good. Not in the hole.

It'd be a more coveted title. I'm a bartender. A bartender? Wow, where at? Creepies? I didn't decide on this outfit. Oh, it's not the outfit, my friend. It's not that. It's your head. I can't change that.

You do play the organ, though, right? Tell the truth. I guess your head. I can't change that. You do play the organ, though, right? Tell the truth. I guess I would say I eat bones. But only the bones of the young? That's what it is. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. He seems like the kind of guy that eats bones. I can't answer that question.

Joey, how long have you been on stand-up? A few years now, but really a few years, but more like the past year I've been focused on question. Joey, how long have you been on stand-up? A few years now, but really, a few years, but more like the past year I've been focused on it. So a year. Yeah, so a year. Where do you bartend at? I bartend at a bar in Glendale. It's more of a funeral home.

It's the receptionist's area. We have a morning hour. No, that was fucking stupid. Sorry. And by bartend, I mean I drink formaldehyde. I do. You look like the lead singer of Bugazi, Guy Picciacciotti.

I'll Google that. Wow. That was for one podcast listener. That's his boy, Patty Reagan. It's a good podcast listener. What's your favorite category of porn? Favorite category of porn? When they repeat it.

Dead. Scary. Haunted. Cobwebs. Yeah. What is the creepiest thing about you? If you were to lean into the joke and be like, you think I look creepy,

well, you should see what I do on Thursday nights. What's that? What's the creepiest thing about you? Oh, man. He wouldn't answer what porn category he liked. We're not going to get an honest answer. Well, Tony, I go to Pornhub, and I type in code blue and then there it was.

The end of the streak. Reality sets in. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. Joel Berg.

Oh, Joey Newfield. That's so funny. He was on like a 12 streak on the whole thing all together. As soon as we start the chant, the chant, now I feel like you're only going to get it when things don't work.

Sight, I'm back. Moving on. Oh, shit. So, Joey, how long have you lived in L.A.? Just a few months now. Where are you from? Florida. Florida-er?

Florida-er. You look like you escaped Scientology. Yes, yes, yes. Is he close on this? Nailed it. Have you ever had your e-meter tested or whatever? Oh, no. I got the, as a typical new L.A. person, I got the thing, and I was like, oh, no.

Wait, what thing? The little card they hand out that says, come do your test. You know, the chip in the back of your neck. Help. The typical L.A. thing. You know, the thing. The chip. Oh thing You know the thing The chip Oh I got the thing

That one thing they give out We all hear that? New soundboard Joey I don't think I ever got an answer out of What is the creepiest thing about you? Other than your head I wish that I had an ant. I'm not typically given creepy, so this is like a new...

What are you typically given? To be fair, I do exclusively hang out at the School of the Blind, so that might inform that. What do people normally label you as? Like what? Like the Fonz? Swashbuckler. I don't know.

I get sweet, but I don't wear black ever, so I'm never wearing black again. I'm going to talk to the restaurant. Wow. No, I think you're handsome. You just look like a handsome jack-o'-lantern. It's like... Handsome's in it, I'll tell you.

It's true. He's got a good look. I really think you could make it as a character actor because you have a very unique look. Thank you. You could really carve something out nice for yourself. I really think you could make it as a character actor because you have a very unique look. Thank you. You could really carve something out nice for yourself. Wow.

I mean, most people, I think a lot of comics, people would come up on stage and then be perceived as creepy. Like a lot of the general populace, as soon as they would walk on stage and be subjected to the perceptive, scathing eyes of the public audience. Have you seen Zeitgeist or Loose Change? Would be perceived as creepy. There's a lot of fucking

people who would come up here and be, so whatever. I mean, if you've never seen that just because you haven't been on whatever. Hey Pat, way to slow things up. I got a point. So you're bartending in Glendale. Is that where you live? Cancer.

Currently I'm Airbnb-ing in Mount Washington. But just got a house yesterday. A house? That's hard, yeah. An entire house? Yeah, me and my buddies. We're going to room. You and your buddies.

Does one of them own a snake? You don't have a pet, right? Not here. You kill any animal that comes to you. That's my porn. I had a pet, but then I got hungry. Joey, we're going to keep flying through it. Anything else for Joey, guys?

Any parting words? I can't even remember. What did you talk about? I talked about weed. No more weed. Do you even smoke weed? Actually, yeah, I do now, but it's still like, medical marijuana is horrifying to me, but that's a new L.A. thing. What do you do when you smoke pot

typically? I smoke it. You know, you get home, you finally, you got You kind of roasted you there, Tony. I smoke it, dude. Well, yeah, but the question was, like, that way, you there, Tony. I smoke it, dude. Well, yeah, but the question was... You get home after a long day, you put the shovel and

the duct tape and everything away back where it belongs in the garage. I like this. In your mind's eye, he goes to work to go murder people. He gets up in the morning and he's like, well, gotta go murder. Well, I think he's a murdering bartender is what I think. I think that he gets the girls drunk and then at the end of the night and he's like, well, gotta go murder. Well, I think he's a murdering bartender is what I think. I think that he gets the girls drunk and then at the end of the night he's like, hey, I'll give you a ride.

And then all of a sudden... I say I don't do that because we're on recording. I was totally going to go somewhere else, but I decided to make it creepy because of that sound. So it's very... See, the thing about weed is it's not even controversial anymore. It's legal. So it's such a beaten subject. When I was your age, it was illegal.

People went to jail. It was a big thing. But now it's like... There's no shock to it. So don't ever do that fucking bit again. Sorry, I snapped. There he goes. It's Joey Newfield, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter. It, Joey Newfield ladies and gentlemen he's on twitter at

Joey Newfield, all one word easy breezy shout out to Kill Tony favorite human Rick Kozik sitting over there, the great from Jackass sexy motherfucker also a special shout out my friends here, Jared sitting over there. The Great from Jackass. Sexy motherfucker.

Also, a special shout-out. My friends here, Jared and Manny, have been coming to the show pretty much every fucking episode since we started almost four years ago. Jared's been coming here for four years. I just want to give a quick shout-out to autism. Yes.

A quick shout-out to autism. All you autistic people, shout-out to you. Shout-out to them, absolutely. Also, just keep hitting the guitar for as long as you can until it doesn't feel weird anymore. Okay. Jared. Jared, our friend who's been coming to this show forever, has always had cancer. I want to give a shout-out to sunscreen.

Actual cancer. Quick shout-out to sunscreen. Jared's had cancer for the last four years that he's been coming to the show, listening to bullshit for four years, and he just went into remission, everybody. Cancer-free! Boom.

Yeah! Hello. That's right. Rev up those engines. That's right Rev up those engines That's the sound That's the official Kill Tony sound Of remission

Fuck yeah Absolutely Bravo Standing O right there Standing O for something What did we learn? Kill Tony cures cancer Come here every Monday if you have cancer.

For those of you that were at home, some of us stood up and were motioning to the rest of the audience to give him a standing ovation. And most of the crowd was like, no, we're actually good. That's what an evil group of people needs to know. You guys ready to keep going through this?

Another name coming out of the pocket. I got a few more shout outs. Oh shit, going off on a whole thing about it now. What are they? Do you have any more that you want to list off right now? Oh, you know, I won't share them now. I'll just keep them in the brain drain. Yeah, baby. Perfect.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Johnny Roth, everybody. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, y'all. That means I'm from Texas, by the way. And one thing about Texas people, we drank a lot of lean, so that's a big red flag right there. When you drink lean, you start to think, what other combination of things would go together? Lean is a Sprite, codeine, and a candy. So last time I drank lean, I was sitting

in my shit on Sunset, listening to the Texans play the Patriots, and I thought, why ain't there more sports references on the streets? A lot of street talk, but no sports references in them damn things. So, what I did was I came up with a few for you guys.

Okay, so, say, um, say you, say somebody snitches on you, right? You get out of jail. You find him. You say, bow nose, you toe! Alright, so, laughter laughter Say, say you get into a small

bad drug deal. You tell him, you want to die behind this eight ball? You always carry your gun, right? And they be talking about you. Man, don't fuck with him, man. He got an arm like a gun, man. Somebody get cute with you. You say, you thought you were cute throwing me that curveball?

Johnny Roth, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. That was incredible. I don't know what that was. Yo, what? I don't know. Yo, what gang are you with? The Geek Squad?

Yes. you do. You seem like the kind of guy that came, that made it out of the hood, got his life together, and today at work was like, I'm fucking it all up again. Let's do this. I'm going back. I'm going to do stand-up tonight. Yo, he's never worn that outfit and not said

your honor when he first started. I've always wondered who does the final accounting at all those check cashing places. So basically, to all of you Serenios, you all got to, it's tax season, baby, so to the Bloods and Crips, I'm non-denominational, and I will do them taxes.

I got an idea. You know what you should do? Maybe talk about weed. That's cool. I like how he's wearing his favorite brand of clothing, Tommy Hill wicker. He's not white? You're not white? What ethnicity are you?

Nah, man. I'm Spanish. I got some Cajun. Cajun. Cajun. Cajun. Wait. You're from Spain? Spanish?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Trip. But also, you're from like Paul Wallville. Yeah. Bucket right, Paul Wallville. Paul Wall. You were born in Spain?

No, I was born in Texas. Houston. Oh, born in Houston, Texas. Yeah. Straight up. Wow. Straight up. What do you...

In like a... In a poor neighborhood. In an all black neighborhood, Texas. Wow. Straight up. In a poor neighborhood. In an all-black neighborhood. Yeah. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. I lived in the inner city first part of my life, and then high school, we moved out to Katy, Texas.

Yeah, same thing. It was a suburb. Same type of thing. I was raised in an all-black neighborhood. You know what? Yeah, man, I'm hard. I'm from the H&R block. You got green.

Green. Boo. My favorite gang color, green. What'd you just say? My favorite gang color is green. Your favorite gang color is green? For money, John. You talking about that money, baby.

For money, you square motherfucker. I thought it's because Spanish. Like cutting grass or something. I don't know. Is that a thing? What do you actually do for work? Oh man, I did real estate when I was in Houston.

I'm still living off that. You're living off the real estate that you did in Houston? I go to school too. What brought you to LA? This right here. How long have you been here? Not very very long i came about two years ago stayed a little bit checked it out and went back and now i'm back since uh about four or five months four or five months right fuck yeah fucking right i got a question when you do real estate do you code switch

do you go from like you know pow wow baby like whoa, we've got a very nice marble floor. Like what do you Try to bring out the Jon Hamm voice. Oh yeah, can I hear it? Yeah, can you sell us can you pitch us like an exact thing like picture the house, let's say we're in the fucking kitchen or something like that. Man, this kitchen right here, this is a great place for you to

drink on that lean baby, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's like Yeah, you's like... Yeah, you trying to run a train on a home. You need a bathroom this big. The pool! Pool party. Oh, my God. Fucking pool!

Come on, give us an example. Give us your real estate voice. Let's get real for a second, Johnny. Let's see your acting chops. Sell us a house right now. This is the house you want. This is a house right now. This is the house you want. This is the house for you. This is the house that's gonna put you over the top. When you get into this house, you're gonna have things. You're gonna have girls, you're gonna have money,

you're gonna have lean. That's the final line. That's how you sell a house in Houston, man. It's cold. Now, straight up. Now, at the end of the day, bitch, you bring me back 100% of that money. You feel me? Get some cars in the driveway.

Wow. One real tip I had. I had to turn your volume up by like three times other than other people. You talk really, really quiet. Really? Yeah. My act's screwed and chopped. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying. Really. So I'm going to give you. Really? Yeah. My axe screwed and chopped. You know what I'm saying?

Really. So I'm going to give you... Joel Byrd. Joel Byrd. Man, I didn't even know you did that. Joel Byrd. So I'm going to put the mic

how all the other comics had it. Now try to talk and do it. What? Huh? Try to say something. He forgot what talking is. This is a... All right. Yeah, was that... That's how... Yeah, it was low. That's how I sounded at other comedy places. and do it. Try to say something. He forgot what talking is. Yeah, was that?

Yeah, it was low. That's how I sounded at other comedy places. You just got to keep an eye on your... Project your voice. Yeah, that's it. Or just put the mic all the way up to your beautiful little mouth, you know? Just touch it. Touch that mouth. He does have...

What is lean? It is permethazine cough syrup. It's what? You've never had lean? Permethazine cough syrup. Permitazine Cough syrup It's what? You've never had lean? Permitazine Cough syrup Cough syrup Cough syrup

Cough syrup Cough syrup Cough syrup A little codeine That's what they all drink In Texas They're all like Dying of codeine overdoses

Yeah I think Yeah cause when you go You get What that dude had That sleep acne What? Sleep acne Sleep acne

Sleep acne Sleep acne You guys ever get that Where you have to put a mask On your face It's like basically Sleep acne? What? Yeah, he has sleep acne. Sleep acne. Sleep acne. You guys ever get that where you have to put a mask on your face? It's like basically you fall asleep in like a vat of chocolate and oil, and we wake up, you're one big pimple, baby. Sleep acne machine. Man. You have a, what type of girl are you into?

What's your favorite type of lady? You into a? I ain't got no type. Hey, man. Bad is the only thing that I like. What is? Bad. He likes bad bitches.

You have a girlfriend right now? He said, I ain't got no type. Bad is the only thing that I like. Gotcha, gotcha, I gotcha. You have a girlfriend right now? Yo, she twerks, she works. You know what I'm saying? Texas.

Texas. But it's over. What's now? Yo, she twerks, she works. Texas. Texas. What's she? The type of girl is she? She's white. She's a white girl. Regular white girl. Are you fucking with a white girl? My man.

Country white girl, though. She got a fat ass, though? Country white. Okay. She got a fat ass? Yeah. All right, player. I'll see you.

I like skinny girls, too, though, now that I got to L.A. What'd you say? High school girl? I said skinny too, though, now that I got to L.A. What did you say? High school girl? I said skinny girls, too, now that I got to L.A. Gotcha. I really, really have trouble understanding. You make me feel like an old man sometimes. He makes you feel like an old man? He's dressed like the oldest man. I want to see what his tweets look like. I could already think in my head

it's a lot of what's and numbers and fours. You don't have Twitter? Wait, can I ask a real question, though? I'm not trying to be insulting. You are so hood, but you do dress like a Poindexter situation. What's going on? Why aren't you in a triple extra large white tee?

I really want to know. What's your deal? I just looked at this fit and I said this is what I should do stand up in just screen stand up for some reason stand out I'm also leading a youth group later so you know

so you have different outfits for different material no not yet I think he has likeability oh he's cool. I'm just trying to figure out the riddle that is him. Do you sleep in your underwear, full nude, pajamas?

That's a great question. I enjoy answering that. I can relate to that. Sleep every night. Underwear. Just boxers. Everything is always straight up. I straight up sleep inside the pussy. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, you soak? You soaking? I soak. Interesting. Oh, no, you hitting that. Oh, shit. He's got random audience members lighting up over here. Johnny's energy is spreading like wildfire.

How old are you? 38. Okay. Oh, interesting. Same age as Philip Marlowe. How long have you been doing stand-up? I started on election day 2016. That Tuesday, the place down the street that do the thing on Tuesday when you sign up the week before.

So I signed up the Tuesday before, and I thought, wait, I'm going to be performing. Come on, man. I don't vote. I don't vote. I don't vote. He rocks the mic. He doesn't rock the boat. Man, I was performing comedy, man. Just like every good American does on election day.

Johnny went and started stand-up comedy. Yeah, so I can now gauge what I'm doing against that. Wait, do you have felonies? No, man. So you just don't vote for no reason? Yeah. Because fuck it, right? Yeah.

One time when I was a kid, my uncle, he said, we got to deal with the politicians. He said, they leave us alone, we leave them alone. But that's not true. They don't leave us alone. I know, I know.

It's not about it. It's how they cool to a kid. Yo, man, he had a tattoo of it, so I believed it, man. Straight up. Johnny,, man. Straight up. Johnny, anything else? Straight up. You live by yourself?

Yeah, I do. Really? You saved a lot of money flipping houses in Houston, Texas, huh? Do you have any posters or any unique home design things that would stand out? I got this bee. It's a bumblebee. I found him crawling. Wait, what?

You have a pet bumblebee? Yeah. Is this what we're finding out right now? I put a cup over him. I put this clear cup over him. Damn, it feels good to be a bumblebee. Then I moved him up on a shelf. I moved him up.

I put this plastic solo cup. You sure it's not a little child? No, it's a little bee. I put him up on a shelf. I moved him up on, I put like this plastic solo cup. You sure he's not a little child? No, it's a little bee. So I put him up on the shelf and he's been going strong for a couple days. Let him out, he's gonna die. You're gonna kill a bumblebee. I'm gonna let him loose tonight.

You really have a bumblebee? I walked in and I'm like, you could've been in my pants. I'm so from Texas, I named him Bumble, Bumblebee, I named him Bumble Bill. Bumble B. Bumble B. It's a Bushwick Bill joke. I'm sorry, you guys. You're right. You're right. It's a Bushwick Bill or a Bumble B joke.

Oh, Bumble B. That's upgraded. Yeah, Bumble B. Johnny Roth, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. It's Johnny Roth. Yeah. Okay. Why don't we do our regular? We have a regular every single week. You can see her here every single week.

You can see her featured on the new Kill Tony poster, too. She's part of that. One of the funniest young rising comedians that I know. The great Ali Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. comedians that I know. The great Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. I recently was talking to my mom and I told her I don't feel very funny. And she said,

why don't you just talk about all the childhood trauma? And I was like, that's all about you, though. I don't, like, childhood trauma doesn't strike me as funny. I remember weird things from my childhood. Like, if I said something smelled, my sisters would tell me it was my upper lip,

and I didn't know what they meant by that, but they were pretty much just telling me that I was the one that smelled. And now I have just adult trauma. Like, I recently partook in a threesome, and I was with a couple who's been together for three years. And I can't come,

but the girl I was in the threesome with came right next to me and I was like that's what it's supposed to look like? And now I know what my sister's meant by my upper lip because now it just smells like pussy. Ali

Makovsky ladies and gentlemen. This threesome thing is true yeah wow this I mean the craziest part

of that bit was how you very casually referenced the fact that you can't come and just moved past that well because I

talk about it as you know oh is it the established thing it's like a thing so I can't keep oh I didn't know that yeah yeah

I think of you as like a precious like child of my heart precious I don't think of you coming or not coming so I can't keep... Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. I think of you as like a precious child of my heart. Precious? I don't think of you coming. We're not coming, so I guess that's good. Yeah, good. We can maintain that.

Yeah, it's a huge running thing. I saw in your... You posted on Twitter, Instagram, something, and people were just like, have you come yet? Did you come in your mention? It's kind of interesting to be pre-orgasmic but do a threesome, though.

It's kind of like, I'm a interesting to be pre-orgasmic but do a threesome though. It's kind of like I'm a sexually adventurous non-orgasmic woman. And I told them on the car ride to their place I was like oh by the way

I can't come but let's have fun. Right? Did they do that in some weird threesome thing? How long was this couple going out before you Three years.

Three years. Are you available Thursday? What? Ugh. Yikes. I think you gotta pump up the word Red band. Three years. Are you available Thursday? What? Nothing. Yikes. I think you gotta pump up the word pussy. Red band. I think you have to pump up the word pussy like if you just, instead of just, you said it in the same

level. I think it'd be like stanker pussy. I threw that in. That's definitely my brand. That's my brand. And then go right back to being normal. Was that the first pussy you ate? Sober, yeah. Wow. Did you like it?

No. Okay, so I thought giving blowjobs was bad. This was exhausting. Now I know why I haven't come. I was like, this is hard work. Did she come on your face? No, I'm not going to make someone come. She was just having sex with her boyfriend.

Well, she... She won't make you come, but she can't come herself. She's perfect for the threesome. Yeah, I was like... That's the one I want, honey. Was she clean enough? I don't know. Brian, stop with the gross shit. Was she clean? I don't know. Brian, stop with the gross shit.

Was she hot? Try to find a way to make it funny. Well, the thing was, like, so... I'm literally... I mean, it's literally like there's a part where you get excited and you just forget the entire show that's going on. Until she goes, yeah, she stunk.

It was stunk really bad and we got there. Calm down. No, no, no, you're wrong. Calm the fuck down. The volume doesn't affect it. Joel Byrd! Joel Byrd! Joel Byrd!

Joel Byrd! We can just keep moving on, Brian. But why did you have a threesome with him? Okay, so I was on Tinder because I need constant validation, and I saw this couple, and I was like, I've seen couples on here, and normally I'm not interested, but I was like, I'm young, I'm crazy, let's go for it. And in my head, it was like this hot thing, and I was like...

You're like, I'm young, dumb, and not full of cum. Yeah. No, I'm full of it. It just does not come out. The first time you cum, you're just going, whoosh, and you'll just take the stream all the way back home. Yeah. And so in my

head, I was like, oh, it's going to be so hot. But then we met up, and I was like, okay, now it's just a thing that we're doing. And it just was so out. I was like okay now it's just like a thing that we're doing and she it just like it was so out it was weird a bad experience weird experience yeah it was like their place they live around yeah their place home in Silver Lake anything

weird about their setup no um no they kept the light on no nothing like weird they had a dog and I was naked on the bed after we like took care of business No, nothing weird They had a dog I was naked on the bed after we took care of business And I was like, oh my god It's about to be a foursome

It was scary You're like, I'm down Ellie, was this dog a golden retriever? He's back Oh shit Joel Berg Joel Berg Joel Berg Joel Berg

Oh my god I love it It's back off And his shirt is off for the podcast listeners For some reason on that one Now that he's back He's got Have all the questions About you being non-orgasmic

already been asked on this podcast? Go ahead. Fire away. I'm not trying to be creepy. No, go for it. But how many partners have you had? Enough to have come at this point. Okay.

Writing partners? You fucks with Hitachi Magic Wands already? Okay, so the first time I masturbated, I did cum, but ever since then, not. And so I did get this vibrator, but now I mentioned it. I said Hitachi magic wand. Have you fucked with a Hitachi magic wand?

No, I have not. You need one. I have not. No, that's the vibrator my mother used, and it worked. That's true. And it's the top. It's the top. Yeah. And you got to do it. Dude, go to go to fucking.

I have stopped doing comedy. Stop doing Kill Tony and focus only on that. Like you go to one of those classes at the pleasure chest. Yeah. At the pleasure chest. It'll be all like burly women and they'll be like, oh, poor honey. And then they'll fucking jam one of those Hitachi magic wands at you and you'll be a new woman. And then you'll come back here with a new hour about,

I'll be coming, right? You know how you be coming. Start, start, start. Start, start. First of all, I've been with your mother. I've been with your mother. My mother never heard you coming, actually. My mom's deaf. You have to know that to know how funny that you coming, actually. My mom's deaf.

You have to know that to know how funny that... Anyway, whatever. I was just in San Francisco, and my Uber driver was deaf, and I always love when I encounter a deaf person, and then because I know signs... I don't know. I just get nostalgic.

My grandma's deaf, whatever. And so he signs to me when I get in the car. He's like, I'm deaf. And I was like, cool. And then it was an Uber pool, and someone else. I can't come. So we're both disabled in a way. And then we picked up another passenger and the driver like looked at me to tell him. And I was like, just so excited that the tone of my voice was bad the way I told him. I was like, the driver's deaf. And it sounded like I was so mad about it. I was like, the driver's deaf.

A deaf Uber driver. Yeah. Did you say anything interesting on your way out? Like, thanks a lot, man. I just said that. Three stars all the way. No, I just said thank you. Like, I get so enthusiastic.

I'm like, thank you. Because I want them to know I'm, like, cool. You know, I'm down. Because you I get so enthusiastic. I'm like, thank you! Because I want them to know I'm cool. I'm down. Because you're not tipping them a single dollar. No, you can't tip on Uber. That's why I support them, despite all political beliefs. I do. I agree with that.

And I don't tip on their... But lately, they have signs, right? Have you been seeing that? Yeah, some people put the signs in the car that are like, we can take tips. You can tip them in cash because Uber is a pernicious company, and they pretend that they tip them, but they don't. They just don't let you tip them, so they get less money. That's so pernicious.

I mean, you've been trying to sound smart all night, Pat. I just wanted to model what real intelligence looks like. They're also too dumb to get a lift. Boom! I wanted it to be a big laugh, but it... But they're also too dumb just to go to Lyft. Why wouldn't they just drive for Lyft? They do.

They drive for both in order to make a living. They drive for both. By the way, catch the premiere of That's So Pernicious on BET this week. What's that on my upper lip? It's pernicious. There she goes, Ali Makovsky with a new minute. He's reppin'. About a threesome. There she goes, Ally Makovsky with a new minute.

About a threesome. What did I do this time? I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Tim Bramer. What's going on, guys? How's everybody doing? Good? I love fucking with people. Nothing gets me a bigger heart in this world than fucking with people. Especially my ex-girlfriend, which is probably why I'm single,

but we just won't go there. It was kind of like Forrest Gump and Jenny. I was retarded and she was a whore. Okay, anyway. When we moved into our new apartment, we went to order food because we didn't want to cook anything. And she got chicken fingers off the kid's menu, because she's like 5'4 and 95 pounds, so she could pass as a 12-year-old.

Which says a lot of fucked up shit about me, but we just won't go there. And the waiter comes up and goes, let me guess, chicken fingers are for you, huh? Cheap ass. Looks like I'm getting tipped. Who the fuck are you talking to? So before my ex could stop me, I went, well, mom said they're a big gold boy all week

that can pick anything off the menu, and I want a chicken fingers because it's crispy, it's chicken, and then they give you sauce. The look on this fucker's face was priceless, okay? He goes, I'm sorry, man, that's okay. Sometimes I have bad days, but then people give you sauce. The look on this fucker's face was priceless, okay? He goes, I'm sorry, that's okay. Sometimes I have bad days, but then people give me hugs. Let me give you a hug and make it all better.

He goes, okay. Ladies, you know that ass-out hug that you give us guys? You tell us you never want to fuck us? That's what he did, but I just filled the gap. And I just started going one Mississippi. That's it. There you go. Tim Bray.

Thank you. Honestly, Tony. Yeah, Joel. Go ahead. Wait, Joel, go ahead. Yeah. You are the funniest thumb we've ever had on Kill Toast. Joelberg.

Joelberg. Doesn't matter what he does anymore. We've started a new Jolbert chant. Tony, this guy looks like he eats a lot of pussy. On Orange is the New Black. He looks like he gets a lot of pussy, but he doesn't.

Whoa, don't try to fire back. I tried. I tried. Those are funny roast back. I tried to fire back. Don't do it, don't do it, Tim. I tried, I tried. Don't do it. That's a funny roast joke, though. He's handsome as fuck. Good looking dude. No net payout at the end,

but he's good looking. Tim, what's your story? How long have you been on stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about a year now. What do you do for work? I work at a tanning salon. I knew it!

You knew that? How did you know that? How do you know? Is that a thing? How long have you worked at a tanning salon for? About two years. I knew it.

Wait, in what city? Right next to Arclight Movie Theater. Oh, okay. Oh, that one in the complex? Yeah, Arclight City. Ooh, another... You've got a lot of sponsorships going on.

Bad chat on iTunes. Amazon, fucking Arclight City. So the difference between the premium beds and the regular beds is a really big difference. Do you tan? What? Do you go to tanning beds? No. He does have the sweetest

thighs in the business. They are lovely. Tim, so you've been working at a tanning salon for two years, doing stand-up for one. What do you do for fun? You seem like an interesting guy. I play rugby. Rugby? Cool.

I was a scrum half. I was inside center, outside center. I was a hooker. You were a hooker? It's a position in rugby. You hooked the ball. I bet it is. You were a

rugby player. Where do you even play rugby in Los Angeles? They have a couple of spots. Santa Monta's got a couple of Pasadenas, but I'm from Ohio, and I got started playing in Ohio. What part of Ohio are you from? Cleveland. Oh, interesting. I'm from Youngstown, Ohio. I'm from Columbus. Nice. Yeah, we're never going to help you.

OH. That's interesting. Tim, are you single? Yes, I am. Did he cheat on you? Oh, you're saying he's gay. Are you straight or gay? Straight.

That's a good roast right there. And the Blue Ranger asks. Is the Blue Ranger gay? Straight. That's a good roast right there. And the Blue Ranger asks. Is the Blue Ranger gay? Yeah. The fact that you know that sort of makes you gay, though. You know that, right? It does. That's funny that the idea is the gay guys know a lot about the Power Rangers.

It's not kids. It's gay dudes. Welcome to You're Gay at the Comedy Store. Old school. Have you ever not had that hair flip thing? Like,

have you ever just, like, chopped that off and just had, like, hair, like, up? Oh,

I like it like that at school. But have you always had, like, the Christian Slater? Have you ever always had the Christian Slater?

It's just always kind of flopped that way. Joel Jimenez. Have you ever thought about going with blonde dreads? Tim, tell us something interesting

about yourself. Something we would be surprised to know about you. Surprised to know about me. Anything interesting? Have you ever accomplished anything? Any records or anything like that? I did this haircut deliberately. I don't have any warrants out for my arrest.

I don't know, Noah. Last time you had sex, what was that like? Where was that at? Where was that at? Weirdest place you've ever had sex. His butt. Funeral home?

Jesus Christ. Throwback to... A blue Power Rangers butt. Go ahead. Funeral home? Really? Not with a dead person, just at a funeral home. Wow. Still sucks. Whose funeral was it?

My grandmother's. Is that for real? Yeah. You fucked at your grandma's funeral? Yeah. Damn. Man, Rod on Cash knows all about that. How was she? R.D. Curry. Very stiff. Man, what, like an extra,

an empty room you had sex in, or a bathroom, what was it? Closet. A closet in the funeral. It was weird, they had a bed inside of a box, right? And there was a lady in there waiting for me, so I'm like,

fuck it, let's do this thing. She didn't back down. Un-fucking-believable. Man, who'd you have sex with? I mean, it seems like a lot of relatives go to grandma's funeral. Was this like a cousin or a sister or something like that?

Yeah, why go across town when you can go across the hall? No, it was a girlfriend. You took a girl that you were dating to your grandma's funeral? How long were you dating her for, do you think? Six months. To be fair,

I knew that funerals made her very horny. What kind of girl is that that would actually do that? How'd you guys break up? Did she cheat on you or did she die?

She died. Are you talking about his grandma? Yeah, she died. No, his girlfriend. The girl that... I honestly don't remember. It was a long time ago.

How about now? Current love life situation? Anything? Single. Dating in L.A. sucks. What sucks about it? All the billboards. Wait, what do you mean?

The syphilis explosion. HIV no problem. Oh, that actually gets... That scares you? It creeps you out. You don't want those things. That's why you're not getting laid? syphilis explosion, HIV no problem. Oh, that actually gets... That scares you? You don't want those things. That's why you're not getting laid? Because of the billboards?

I wasn't into when Red Band was like, are you gay? But now that you're saying it's the AIDS billboards, you are gay and I think you should accept that and jump on it. Jump on it. How old are you? 32. When I was your age, there was no AIDS AIDS I used to eat chlamydia for breakfast

I hate chlamydia what John Chlamydia? I hate that fucking guy chlamydia yeah you tell chlamydia you tell them all I'm coming for them so yeah I mean I've been opening for John Chlamydia, you tell them all I'm coming for them. So yeah, I mean, I've been opening for John Chlamydia at the Ha Ha and...

Ha Ha. You know I've never performed at the Ha Ha the whole time I've lived in L.A.? Yeah, I read that in the trades. Dumb motherfucking Irera. Tim, we're gonna let you there. Go, there he goes. Tim Bramer, everybody. He's on Twitter. It's Timothy Bramer.

B-R-E-H-M-E-R. He's got a whole camo backpack with him. We did it, people. That's the show. Moshe Kesher, Problematic. April 18th, Problematic. Watch that show. Dom Irera. Put your hands together for the great Dom Irera

and Moshe Kesher, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt. Look at that. Wow, like a CBS Sports type of throwback. Oh, that's fucking awesome. And that looks exactly like all of us. That's crazy.

Tony, can I plug my gig in Atlantic City? Yes, Atlantic City, Dom Irera. Atlantic City this Saturday night at the Tropicana. At the Tropicana. Where I'm going to kill. You have to go see the great Dom Irero. Atlantic City, this Saturday night at the Tropicana. At the Tropicana. Where I'm going to kill. You have to go see the great Dom Irero. Just a great comedy watching experience. Absolutely.

It was a fun show. One of the best in the world. Thank you for gracing us with your presence again. Dom Irero, Moshe Kesher, thank you so much. Guys, it's the band. Patty Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. Jeremiah, take it over. Hey, guys, if you have the time, reach out to me on social media,

at Jeremiah's Stand Up, across the board. Really looking forward to your messages. Patty Reagan has a new album out called Bad Chat, available on SoundCloud, iTunes, and so many other things. He's the band leader. Catch him writing on the Eric Andre Show. Watch his work on Adult Swim. What else, Patty? Keep us up to date. Check out Amazon.com.

Also, every second Tuesday of the month is Stamp on the Spot, so go for that. Yeah, definitely. Jolton Joel Jimenez has a new chant as of tonight. Joel Burke. Joel Burke. Joel Burke.

He's on the brand new Kill Tony poster, which by the time you hear this. Atmosphysory. By the time you listen to this, unless you're listening to the live stream right now, by the time you listen to this, the new Kill Tony poster is available at ryanjebelt.com, and it's fucking awesome. I'm getting my copy as fast as possible and hanging it up next to my other Kill Tony poster, which I love.

Hey, Tony, I'm going to be on At Midnight on Comedy Central. This Wednesday. Comedy Central debut. Yes. Brian. This Wednesday. Motherfucking Red Band.

That's right. If you're listening to this show. Red Band. That's right. If you're listening to this show... What'd I do this time? Thank you so much, live audience. Good night. Thank you. Goodbye. It's hard to explain They're talking about you, boy But you're still the same

There's something inside you It's hard to explain They're talking about you, boy But you're still the same There's something inside you There's something inside you It's hard to explain it's hard to explain it's hard to explain

they're talking about you about you but you're still the same you you you