KILL TONY - KILL TONY #203

Episode Date: April 4, 2017

Bert Kreischer, Josh Adam Meyers, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 03/27/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis! Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to kill tony here at death squad check out our website death squad.tv for everything you need for the death squad universe including past episodes kill tony video portions of kill tony and tour dates if you click on tour dates there you see that not only do we record kill tony every monday at the road Comedy Store, but we are going on the road. That's right. This month, the 22nd of April, we are in Austin, Texas for the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Yes, it's going to be a lot of fun. And the following day, we're bringing Kill Tony to Houston. And then following that episode of Kill Tony in Houston, we got a secret show.

So if you've been jealous of all the secret shows we've been doing here in Los Angeles, here's your chance to go to a secret show in Houston at the Secret Group Comedy Club. All this information can be found at DeathSquad.tv and just clicking on tour dates. Also, ShopSquad.tv, that's the official merchandise of the death squad universe

we have a new hat for pre-order right now the 2017 edition of this lucky stripe hat we got them in pink and purple or crimson and purple check it out the pre-orders right now ships this month at shop squad dot tv also don't forget ryan ebelt.com. He's the house artist. He has the new kill Tony poster up there for sale. He also has past episodes of where he's drawn the episode. Check it out at Ryan J ebelt.com. Last but not least, don't forget Tony Hinchcliffe. He has a website, the golden pony. He has some merchandise there, some tour dates, check out Tony Hinchcliffe.com. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the real famous comedy store. Here's Tony Hinchcliffe. Hey, everybody. It's Kill Tony with me, Tony Hinchcliffe. Make some fucking noise. It's a big livecliffe. Hey, everybody. It's Kill Tony with me, Tony Hinchcliffe. Make some fucking noise. It's a big live real show you're at, motherfuckers. I'm excited about this, Brian. Brian's wearing Snapchat

glasses made by Snapchat that records everything. LA Speedweed gave us a bunch of weed. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the show. How's it going? You're at Kill Tony. We're a big, the number one live comedy podcast live in front of a live audience in the world. This is episode 203.

And we are doing this show next week in Austin, Texas, in Houston, Texas. So you can see that there. But we have an announcement to make about Austin, Texas. Okay. Usually it was supposed to be May 21st. Yes, it's May 22nd. Yeah. Is it May? No, it's April. April. April 22nd. Yes, it's May 22nd. Is it May? No, it's April.

April 22nd. So that's April 22nd. April 22nd there, April 23rd in Houston. That's your late, late breaking news, and we're good. Should we bring up our guests? You guys ready for guests? You guys like guests? Ready for the show?

We're easing into the show. We have to promote ourselves first because you guys are a fraction of the people that end up being part for the show? We're easing into the show. We have to promote ourselves first because you guys are a fraction of the people that end up being part of the show, the live audience of the show, because we're a big live podcast. I'm excited about this, though. People are eating nachos. It's a good-looking crew. A lot of arm tattoos in the audience tonight. A lot of backwards baseball caps. A lot of tough-looking guys in this crowd. Comedians, how are you guys? Very mellow. It's very mellow over there.

It's a depressing Monday. A lot of comedians still haven't quit from starting on their New Year's resolution. So the comedians are in a sad stock market mode right now. Ryan J. Ebel is here drawing tonight's episode. He just drew the brand new Kill Tony poster, guys.

Look at that. With the entire band on it. Ali Makovsky, the regular. That new poster is unbelievable, and it's available at ryanjebelt.com for pre-sale right now. They start coming in next week. And he's drawing right now. He's drawing the episode at the end. He's going to have the whole episode in drawing form. Wow.

You said episode three times in seven words just then. He's drawing it, and you're going to see it after the show. After the episode. You guys ready for the guests or what, huh? Guests, yes. I love guests. Always have two of the funniest comedians

in the world on this show. This week's no different. Put your hands together for Bert Kreischer and Josh Adam Myers. Volume, baby. Volume. Huh? Okay, did you get that technical note?

Oh, there it is. I see. Burt Kreischer, Josh Adam Myers. Hello. Hey, everybody. Hi, everyone. I'm excited about this. Josh, you've done this show before. You have a new show, The Goddamn Comedy Jam, on Comedy Central.

It's actually now titled The Comedy Jam. The Comedy Jam. We want the Procter & Gamble money. Kind of ironic that a bunch of Jews took the goddamn out of their house. We're going to have to lose the goddamn. They killed him. All right. Goddamn's a little too extreme for this rock and roll comedy show.

Too extreme. And Bert Kreischer, you did that show. All right. God damn's a little too extreme for this rock and roll comedy show. Too extreme. And Bert Kreischer, you did that show. I did. It was a highlight of my career. That's going to be on. Yeah, I've been on television seven years straight, and this was the one five-minute thing I did was better than all of that fucking combined.

You got to belt your little heart out. Dude, Scott Stapp comes out. It is fucking surreal. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen. We made love on stage, like spiritually. Him singing higher with Creed. I think we made the band Creed relevant again because of how fucking good it was. The best is when you do that, the comedian comes out and they sing the song.

And then the star comes out mid-song and goes, ladies and gentlemen, Rod Stewart. He didn't show up. It's season two. So my guy comes out. I bring him out, Scott Stapp. And we try the song once where I start singing. And the place goes quiet, right? No, no, no.

They went fucking nuts. They went big. But Scott said, he goes, hey, you know what would be great is if, let me open the song. I'll really bring it home, and then you come in for the second verse. And I was like, okay. And he starts it, oh, when I see you there. And the fuck, you feel the energy of what it's like to be next to a rock star, melting fucking faces. They're like, oh.

And then I come in, I go, oh, baby. And this girl in the front row audibly goes oh and I looked at Scott Stabby and he's like that's why I did it

that's awesome well when's when does that air mine's April 19th April 19th but it's on every Wednesday night

10 o'clock Comedy Central guys please watch Wednesday nights 10pm set your DVR. I like buying expensive shit, so please watch as we can get season two.

As you can not tell from his outfit. Indeed. We have a band on this show. This is like a real show because we have a real band. Everybody knows them. They love them. They became viral sensations again this week. Put your hands together for them.

It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez, the Kill Tony Band. Reagan, Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. They come out to a different theme every week. You never know what it's going to be. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. This is impressive. Prison outfits. Jeremiah's a little bit cross-eyed.

Wow. This is fucking awesome. Now, is it prison or Guantanamo Bay? Yeah. Yo, we got stuck in Guantanamo Bay. Oh, shit. You better save that tinfoil. Oh, snap.

My grill fell out, dog. Yeah. That mouthpiece was not properly fitted. The mouthpiece. Yo, yo, yo. That's how things are in prison, man. Wow. Thanks, Paul Wall. How long have you been out of prison?

You look fresh out. Yeah, we just got out right now. Man. I like that accent. Where did you grow up? Yeah, Houston. I am so glad I got high for this. I know.

That's like part of it. You sort of have to. Hey, Pat Reagan, how's it going over there? Everything good? What are you? A guy with shirt on head, huh? Oh. Yeah, this is my bitch, Patty Reagan.

Yeah. Well, let's just jump into it. We have the Jolton Joelberg over here in the ones and twos on percussions. He's on a hot streak of joke telling. Look out for Joelberg throughout the show. You guys ready to get this motherfucker started or what? There's a bunch of names in a bucket right now. This is where the show

actually starts. A ton of comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage and then talk to us afterwards about anything in the world. Comedians that signed up, you know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That happens at 60 seconds. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out

the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go with the little cow in it. Alright, make some noise. Ready to start the show? Here we fucking go. An uninterrupted 60 seconds. And your first comedian will go by the name of Josh Gonzalez. Josh Gonzalez!

I don't see a Josh Gonzalez. We shall pool again. Put your hands together for Joel Matthews. Put your hands together for Joel Matthews. Very interesting. This is going to be a quick show. I like it like this. Somebody's scared.

How about Sam Lopez, everybody? Here we go. Yay! I think you can tell a lot about a woman by the types of dogs she follows on Instagram yeah I mean like it's just like women love dogs

and men are dogs right right except for like you know you like pussy it doesn't really work um but men are dogs you know women look at dogs on instagram the same way that men look at butt models on instagram we're just like i'm gonna pet the shit out this dog you know like that's it's just all day. I have a friend, she only follows pit bulls on Instagram, right? Pit bulls are ugly dogs. No taste, right? She knows. No taste. Pit bulls are ugly dogs. It's like, pit bulls are like the John Goodman of dogs. It's like, like, I don't, I don't want you on my body, but I don't mind having you in the room. You're cool, John Goodman. It's like, I don't want you on my body, but I don't mind having you in the room.

You're cool, John Goodman. It's cool that you're around. Okay, he did a dog, everybody, instead of the cat. Nice, Brian. Way to improv. Way to go with the flow. He's riffing over here on the soundboard. So, Sam Lopez.

Hello. How are you? Good. How are you? I like that you perform with sunglasses on your head. I've never really seen that before. I actually literally just walked in the room and then you called. So Sam Lopez. Hello. How are you? Good. How are you? I like that you perform with sunglasses on your head. I've never really seen that before. I actually literally

just walked in the room and then you called. It's fitting. It's fitting for someone that has sunglasses on the top of their head. That might be a first on the show. It stands out to me.

Do you really, is that true? Do you follow dogs on Instagram? I do. What kind of dogs do you actually follow? I follow Bernie's Mountain Dogs. Have you ever seen those? Yeah, of course. Black, brown, and white.

Yeah, they're sexy dogs. And then I follow Australian Shepherds. Great dog. Good dog. He gets all these special barks for each different dog that you're naming. He's doing the actual fucking dog it is. I like a Border Collie. Oh.

Oh my god. Our border collies are a little tied up right now. This is all live stream, actual dogs. I got turned down to the border collie. They like that one. So Sam,

what do you do for work? I'm unemployed She's an Uber driver How are you surviving? I'm living I'm a kept woman, guys Wow For people who don't know what that means

What does that mean? How long have you been a kept woman? What does that mean exactly? Well, I was working, and then I quit my job, and I run the budget with my boyfriend, and we just kind of figured, I was like, you know, we could get by on just your paycheck if we budget. Oh, this hoe's a gold digger.

Okay. Wow, how long have you been unemployed doing the budget for your relationship? You know, I pretty much do the budget and he makes the money. Yo, I gotta tell you, boy,

he can just get TurboTax and sell this whole thing. He is so lost in character right now. It's amazing. Jeremiah Watkins. So you're a cam girl or something? No. Is that the vibe I'm giving off? Not at all.

What does your boyfriend do? He works a minimum wage job. Wow. Now here's the question. When you're a kept woman, do you get to say no? Like, I don't want to give you a blow job? You're like, ooh. You have to.

You have to. I have other skills. Okay. I'm a really good cook. You better be a pretty good ironer. What are some of these special skills that you possess that would make someone want to support you on a minimum wage? I know.

I'm a really good cook. Really? Unless you could cook a turkey that could suck my dick. I don't know. Wow. A really good cook. Such a good cook that whatever you make tastes better than the twice amount of money that he'd be able to spend on a meal if you weren't making it. How long has this been going on?

Just a month. Just a month. How do you feel about it? I actually, I'm very uncomfortable with the situation. I don't like it. It's not my idea, actually. It doesn't really seem like it. I feel like you think you're answering that question correctly, but it sort of seems like you love it. Is your boyfriend in the room

right now? He might be. Yeah, he might be here. Man, I'd run after this 30-day trial period, you know what I'm saying? Fresh out of prison. What was the job that you had a month ago? I was a barista. Oh, a barista.

Where? This cafe downtown. Oh, never mind. Did you quit that job or get fired? I quit. I was hoping she said my Starbucks. What was that? I quit.

You quit. You're like, fuck this. I woke up and I was too tired. That's called white privilege. When you don't have any money, but you decide to take no money other than work because you're tired. Are you white?

No. Lopez. Out of all the jobs to quit for being tired, I don't understand how you quit a coffee shop. You know that at least when you get there, never ending coffee, right? I'm tired seems

like a reason to almost quit any other job other than working at a coffee place. It actually seems like that would be the reason to go to work because you were tired. Exactly. By the way, Brian, never mind, I'll tell you later.

The dog joke, even though some people really do hate people. Here's Brian with the joke breakdown. A lot of people do hate pit bulls, I bet. But you're going to make half the audience hate you right immediately, unless you turn it around somehow. There's actually more to the pit bull joke. I have a

pit bull. You have a pit bull? I have one, yeah. It's a service animal though. Snap back, bitch. And I hate you because I have a John Goodman. Yeah, why John Goodman? What did he do to you? I just said it in a mic once and it

worked. Don't do it again. John Goodman, what did he do to you? I don't know. I just said it in a mic once, and it worked. Don't do it again. Don't do it. John Goodman, he's a St. Bernard. If you're looking for a pit bull, you've got to find a guy. Ray Rice was a pit bull. That's a good. Pit bull was a pit bull.

Ray Rice is the guy that beat his wife up. I'm from Baltimore. Okay, okay. Have you been thinking about perhaps moving a dog in on this minimum wage one person budget that you and your boyfriend have been living on? What was the first part? You've been thinking about, you ever think about pulling the trigger and getting an actual dog? Oh, getting a dog or a job?

A dog. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, I don't want a dog. No. How about a job? Have you been thinking at all about getting a job? I've been thinking about getting a job, yes. What do you think you might go for?

Dog walker? I'll probably get another barista job. Another barista job. They're really easy to get. No, I know. It's the absolute bottom of the barrel. Yeah, it's not. It doesn't take a master class to the old,

one of those hit that button job. Sometimes, you know, those machines do it, you know. They have it now to where you could just put, all right, forget it. No. Interesting, Sam. What else are you into? You do stand-up comedy. You have a boyfriend.

You got no money. So, like, how do you pass it? Like, what else? Like, what's a hobby of yours? I like to swim when it's warm and uh i read and was that read i read and i learned how to read in prison yeah people have a lot of tattoos on their body interesting well you had great energy you're literally are totally adorable and like i Interesting. Well, you had great energy. You literally are totally adorable.

And I think you... I saw that while I was looking at your ass. Because she was facing you guys. That's what I was looking at. But she's got... So you really connected with the audience. And you muscled through those mediocre jokes. But what I would say is... I'm going to always give this note,

but I'm obsessed with dogs. So when you started talking dogs, I got really excited. And if you really are obsessed with dogs, find that niche part of the obsession that maybe you connect with the weird thing. Like the really weird part. I don't know what it is technically,

but I know I've gone down spirals and watching uzbekistan dog fights on youtube because i'm looking for the world's biggest baddest dog and yeah and then you're like fuck i need to get one of these all i need is a yugo and a fucking but like go there and find that weird niche part i always think that's more interesting than just like you know like the base joke about guys like pussy or whatever. John Goodman. Figure out a way to make a joke about not waking up to your coffee shop. That's

ridiculous and I can't do anything with it. I also like the joke about you being a kept woman. It's funny that you figured out a budget where you could live off his salary and it's minimum wage. That's interesting that you figured out a budget where you could live off his salary. And it's minimum wage. That's interesting that you're so smart, but you refuse to use that intelligence to get a job.

Yeah. And you need to make jokes about that. It needs to be real because people will be able to feel the realness because they know nobody's just going to be bragging about running a budget off of, you know, like it feels real. Because why would anybody do that? You're like Superman, but all you use is your heat-seeking vision to open up beers. You're really smart, but you're... How long have you been on stand-up? A year.

A year, yeah. Have you ever been to prison? Not yet. Whoa, good answer. Hell yeah. If you could see yourself going to prison, what do you think the crime that you would have committed is? Other than shoplifting at a grocery store in a month.

Probably a crime of passion. Gotta get that baloney. Sam Lopez, everybody. We met her here on Kill Tony. She's on Twitter at the best Sam Lopez. Fuck yeah. Rock and roll. Take care.

Sam Lopez, everybody. There she goes. By the way, Brian, I had to tell you this. I was doing sound effects in my podcast for a while. I was doing characters. And I have a horse sound of a horse going, and it was just, you got it? Yeah.

And I was driving down the 101 and the Run the Jewels song ended and the very next song was the horse neigh. And out of nowhere, blasting at my car, I hear a horse. And I almost shit my pants. It was like, nee! And I went, ah! I have all these sound effects.

I have fights and fucking crowds cheering and it's all on my... I'm going to pass out. All these sound effects. I have fights and fucking crowds cheering, and it's all on my own. I'm going to pass out. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Missy Martinez. Wow. We knew Missy Martinez. Put your hands together for Missy, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, kids. Oh, I just punched myself in the fucking mouth, which is fitting because I'm a porn star. So I've been... It's really hard to date being a porn star because there's no magic left. My life is basically like an episode of SVU, except I don't press charges afterwards. And, you know, there's no magic left because like my butthole's

on the internet so if I have to send a guy a selfie I have to like go extra slutty so I send x-rays. And then you know you have that awkward first date talk like oh when did you lose your virginity? I'm like well I actually broke my hymen riding a horse. Don't know why my uncle called his dick a horse. And then, you know, it's, you know, it's, people think, you know, I'm a slut, whatever. I don't kiss to, like, the third or fourth date, which makes anal on the first really awkward. And after sex, I always curl up in the fetal position.

That's when I put, lay on my back, put my legs in the stirrups, and wait for the abortion to be over. Is that a minute? I can't tell time. That's 57 seconds for Missy Martinez. Math! Fuck yeah. Hi, Missy. You've been on the show before. It's been like a couple years. It's been a year and a half, and this is my 12th time. Welcome back. Thank you. Very, very rarely do we ever, ever, ever see a stand-up comedian be able to really pull off being slutty and talking about it. Thanks, Dad. And you make it look so... I'm sure your dad gave you other approval than this.

But no, it is extremely impressive your stage presence and how you go about it. Like, it's really incredible. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, this girl got problems in the head, and I like that.

Missy, I was here the last time you did stand-up. Oh, wow. I didn't know you remembered me. Yeah, of course I did. I should have worn yoga pants. I Googled you the second I got fucking home. And then the whole next weekend. I'm a big fan of your work.

Thank you. You're the one. Beat Chrysler over here. Obviously it's been a year and a half, but massively improved. It's weird that I get to say that because I was here last time, but I like what you're doing.

I like where you're going with it. I like, personally, I don't think... You can't offend anybody, so I would go even more of that fucking abortion shit, more of that SVU shit. Really make it... What happened?

Oh, jeez, we're going to make a whole thing about it, huh, Brian? So, Missy, that's interesting. How's the porn business going? I don't have AIDS, so it's doing great. My asshole's in my body. My tits are attached. I can't complain. How often does, like, someone work?

Like, how often do you just, like? Some girls work every day, but I'm 30, so that's, like, 76. Porn stars age like dogs. Yeah, so, yeah. Man, this girl real, too. Meaning the older they get, it's harder to be thrown assholes? Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the only reason why I do yoga, so I can still do it.

Oh, God. This is the first time I've ever seen you do stand-up, but I have seen you fuck five black guys multiple times. I'm a huge fan. Thank you. Everyone remembers their quince multiple times. I'm a huge fan. Thank you. Everyone remembers your quinceañera. Oh, you're incredible. Missy Martinez is an absolute legend.

Porn star. I was very starstruck when you first got pulled out of the bucket years ago. It's an actual thing. That's actually the name of her first porn movie. Pulled out of the bucket. Oh. I'm going to be honest, Missy. I kind of would like to see you do a longer set.

I would be interested to see you do like 20 minutes, you know, because I would love to hear your fucking, I'd love to hear your. You silly fucking goose. You can just stop right there. I'd like to hear your fucking... Boing. But yeah.

Well, thank you. Are you still an active porn star? Like, you still doing scenes? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have my own sex toys and stuff. No, Greg Lansky won't hire me because he wants like the natural girls with tiny tits

and I have these so I don't have to have a personality. Tushy? Tushy? Oh no, I do butt stuff but he hasn't hired me. What's the most recent thing

that you did? Most recent stuff, I did a Wicked movie with Asa Akira. Anything fun happen in that? Anything fun happen? I didn't shit on the dude's dick so it's a successful scene.

There you go. Power up. Extra points for you. You're totally unfiltered. Man, that's a real prison talk right there. So like, the thing I'm obsessed with is finding a brand new stereotype that no one knows about. You know, like Asian people are

slow. Like no one knows that. They've never won a gold medal in the Olympics, a bronze medal, or a silver medal in anything below the marathon. They've never won any. So that fascinates me. But I want to know Wow, someone's

racist against the Asians, huh? No, but there's this Asian lady that runs to our school every day and she runs so weird. I go, that's got to be inherent. And it comes from Genghis Khan. They're really great horseback riders. They're not good at running. Or driving, from what I've seen. What's a stereotype about porn stars

that you notice, that you pick up on? I'd be interested in these insights that we'd never get but then would answer a question for us. You know what I mean? There's the cliche ones that they're all drug addicts or were molested.

A lot of them are really bad with their money so they can't afford to buy drugs. So that goes out the window. Most of them are educated, normal. They're just, you know, they just like to sleep in till noon. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I like to sleep in till noon.

There you go. You're a porn star. Look, I know baristas that like to sleep in till noon. Coffee enemas. What's the funniest thing you've ever seen go on in a porn set? Is that pretty much what it boils down to? Is a lot of poopy on the pee-pee stuff? Sometimes.

Sometimes. The funniest thing, you know what Nuber rings are? Yeah. They look like scrunchies, but they're birth control. Oh, my wife. There you go. Anybody want to guess whose wife you can bust in all the time?

Huh? I'll give you one guess. So I was on set and a girl had it. Anyone want to guess whose wife you can bust in? It's fun getting to make jokes like that and look over Anyone want to guess his wife, you can bust in. Blooper, blooper, blooper. It's fun getting to make jokes like that and look over and just see you dying of laughter. It's a weird thing to say that you could bust in some guy's wife if you think about it.

But it's a weird gig we have. Weird kept woman. So wait, Nuba Ring story. Yeah, Nuba Ring story. So I was working with this one girl. And you have to be a little dexterous for certain things And so I was in there I was fishing around And then shot out across the room

The NuvaRing did? The NuvaRing shot out across the room Wow, man, did she get pregnant that day? It ain't mine Why does she have a NuvaRing on for a girl and girl? I don't, you only have to put it in like, I think you can take it out for a few hours at a time. Yeah, you're not supposed to take it out.

You're supposed to let it get there and get curdled up. Ugh. Oh, God. Man, the way you describe it is so... Thank you, Crypt Keeper. Yeah, so romantic. Missy, you were coming quite frequently, and you were getting really good at stage presence.

You were really calm on stage. This time you seemed really nervous. Why did you quit? Because you were doing so good, and then a year and a half. We haven't seen you in a year and a half, but you have been coming quite frequently. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Joel.

That's a lie. No, I don't come. Women don't deserve orgasms. That's just a fact. Yo, that's feminism right there. Do you not get orgasms? Is that true? No, no don't come. Women don't deserve orgasms. That's just a fact. Yo, that's feminism right there. Do you not get orgasms? Is that true? I don't know.

I do. I just don't care. I'm just jaded now. Let me ask you this. If you didn't get orgasms, would you still as a, is it like being a pro wrestler or something? Like, if you couldn't actually have orgasms as a porn star, would you still have to say that you're able to get an orgasm? Like, is that a thing that I guess?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. It's just all dead down here, though that a thing that I guess... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. It's just all dead down here, though. Because guys want to hear... Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. So even if she has never had an orgasm, she'd have to be like, oh, I totally... Right now, I had like five since I was standing here.

I fake them sometimes, too. There's the hot yogurt on the back. I just spit on her stomach and go, oh. Keep toothpaste in my hand. No, there's red stripes in it. Oh, shit. Her stomach's never been whiter. Bert, you got your ears pierced.

Yeah, I got my ears pierced in London and my daughter wants me to keep them in. Some gay guy said to me, not even gay guys have their ears pierced anymore. You look like Charles Sassoon or something like that. I love it, dude. I feel so young. Do you have problems coming when you're drunk?

Do I have problems coming when I'm drunk? Yeah. Dude, don't even get me started. I love that we get Missy Martinez up here and finally want to start asking Bert how he comes. We could see it. Why don't your dick work, Bert? No, my dick still works, but I don't.

I become what I jack off. When I jack off to you, I'm like an animal. I'm just saying, I did. What kind of animal are you like? You're not enjoying it. You're not really making love. You're just like, gah! Power fucking.

Yeah, power fucking. And then when I get drunk, I don not enjoying it. You're not really making love. You're just like, gah! Power fucking. Yeah, power fucking. And then when I get drunk, I don't enjoy it. I had sex this morning, sober, and I really enjoyed it. I was like, oh, this is, I should take my time. It's not a winging eating contest. Well, morning fucking's the best fucking. That's the best way to start your day. We took a bath, we brushed our teeth, we took care of each other.

I like that you had to tell us you were sober this morning, though. Well, I haven't had sober sex since I was 17. Wow. Yeah, who fucking does that? Have you found it that it's harder to please your wife since you have earrings in now? Yeah. She asked me today. She was like, because they're both really infected.

She was like, maybe we should just take them out because you're not going to keep them, right? I was like, I don't know. She was like, no, you're not going to keep them. I was like, well, you can't say that. Morgan Freeman's got an earring. She's like, you're not fucking Morgan Freeman. You should get some power hoops. They have really big, thin ones.

I'm already thinking about getting real tight hoops, like real thin and tight. Oh, my God. Discreet. If you know I have earrings, you know I have earrings. But if you don't know, you don't know. Right. That's a whole world. Good set, Missy.

What made you want to get earrings? My daughter was getting her ears pierced in London, and she didn't want to be the last one to go. She was like, I want someone to go last, because that's the one who has the most pressure. I go, fuck it, I'll get it done. And so I went last. She went second to last. She cried the one who has the most pressure. I go, fuck it, I'll get it done. And so I went last. She went second to last.

She cried. You can find the video online. It's my best parenting moment ever. Teaching her how to ride a bike and that are my two parenting heights. Getting your ears pierced. Getting my ears pierced. But I moved because I freaked out and they pierced it fucking weird. Speaking of getting holes plugged, Missy.

Yes. So how often do you work now? Is that like once a week, you'd say? And how does that happen? Do you have an agent that calls you? Oh, no. I'm a free agent now. I've been in for eight years.

Wow. I've been in for eight years. She's doing the camming. I webcam every day. I'm not shooting. I'm like, it's free money. I just sit at home, walk my dog. Wow.

They pay to watch you walk your dog? No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't do that stuff. I go straight for the butt. Straight for the butthole. Yeah. How much watch you walk your dog? No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't do that stuff. I go straight for the butt. Straight for the butthole. How much do you make webcamming? Last year, I made 60 grand just on webcam alone, not including my shoes.

Dang. It looks like ground zero down here. It's exploded hot pocket. Tony. Looks like a jellyfish sneeze. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Tony. Yeah.

Are we all just going to ignore the elephant in the room? How are your budgeting skills? Joel Burke. I have a good budgeting skill. Joel Burke. I can't count. So you took off for a year and a half. Is that what you're saying? Or do you stand up pretty regularly? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Or you're doing stand-up pretty regularly?

Yeah, I was doing only Kill Tony. I'm exclusive to Kill Tony. And I still haven't received a paycheck yet. So I was doing that. Neither have we. Right? I was doing it, and then it was just like a scheduling conflict and getting down here. Because I don't live down here.

I live about 40 minutes by Magic Mountain. Well, we know where you guys live. 40 minutes away from Magic Mountain? No, no. I live by Magic Mountain. Up top. It's a 40-minute away from there. More space to shoot.

That's where they shoot the pornos, right? Locations, yeah. I actually have to drive down here to shoot. You can always just look up at Magic Mountain. Yeah. I think the jokes were there. You have a point of view because of what you've done in life but I just like

agree with what Burt was saying you just seem nervous you could tell that you were just not you weren't as comfortable as I think somebody that was getting up you know what I mean I said this the first time I saw you I'm fascinated by your life I'm interested on the outside I think I told you this exactly last time

there's a lot of porn stars I follow on Instagram because it's not nude on Instagram, but it's cool to see their life. It's really cool. I met that girl, Lindsay Pellis, the other day, and I was like, I follow your life. It's really interesting. But I would like to see more about your life.

I would like to hear about that. And just get on stage more. Just get on stage more. It's definitely the stage presence. It's the only thing that's putting it back, because we feel your... There's room only thing that's putting it back. We feel your... There's room for a porn star stand-up comic. It is not out there yet.

You are the one that is leading the race. Just imagine that that microphone is a dick. Don't know. Don't do it. It's not like this. I was told not to spit on it last time. Hey, I got a question. Oh, question over last time. Hey, I got a question.

Oh, question over there. Patty Reagan. I got a question. All right. What about, you ever get like a chatty cameraman who's like talking the whole time? You ever get a camera guy that's, let me get more specific.

You ever get a camera guy that starts jerking off in the middle of it? Okay, you guys are making ridiculous statements. Have you ever had a Tourette's Syndrome sound guy who's like, cocksucker, cocksucker! Suck that dick! Suck that dick!

And you're like, you gotta hire a new one of these. That guy's a loud sound guy. He knows his job, right? Motherfucker, motherfucker! My penis is on fire! Those are things I'm saying though during the scene.

Missy Martinez, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes on Kill Tony again. Year and a half. She's on Twitter at Missy X Martinez. But you probably know that because you probably follow her if you're listening to this show. Is there another way I could get another? How much time do we have left?

Can I get another Double Tito's and Soda please? Double Tito's and Soda.? Double Tito's and soda. Double Tito's and soda. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. How about David Ramek, everybody? David Ramek. That's not David Ramek at all.

He's back here. Oh, here he goes. David Ramek at all. He's back here. Oh, here he goes. David Ramek. Straight from Comic-Con. Sorry, I only knew from the belly room. So I want to talk about something that happened last week. I almost got hit by an Uber driver while I was riding my bike.

So I do what I always do when somebody pisses me off. I went on Twitter and I tweeted, I almost got hit by an Uber driver while I was riding my bike. So I'm definitely not giving that fucker five stars.

It gets better. I got a tweet from Uber, and it says, we're sorry to hear that. So, everybody, Uber is really watching out to cover their ass, okay? Just to let you know. is really watching out to cover their ass, okay?

Just to let you know. I want to ask you guys a question, all right? Am I mistaken, or is it Dirty Sanchez is when the woman goes to Home Depot and picks up a Mexican named Sanchez and then lets him fuck her in the ass. Is that a dirty Sanchez or am I mistaken? I just want to know.

Wow, you are. What a way to end it. Give it up for Bobcat Paperweight. Bobcat Paperweight. Joelberg is on the street. David Ramick, wow, wins the part where it gets better. You said that in the middle. I'm still waiting for it.

Jeremiah? Yeah, did you change your name from Elijah Weiss to David Ramick? Because I've known you for years, and you've always gone by Elijah. Well, I was doing that as a stage name for a while. Oh, my bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean... You've been performing

at prisons, obviously. Thank you. No, that wasn't a compliment. Because my Hebrew name is Elijah. Oh. Yeah, and my... I guess it does get better, guys. My mom's birth name,

she's a German Jew, was Wise. So I was kind of like, going by that stage name to kind of like... To emphasize my half-Jewishness. But after a while, I was like, you know what? I'm going back to my father's name. Where are you originally from, David?

Where are you originally from? My? Where are you originally from? My father's from Bosnia. He's Yugoslavian. And my mom, who I really didn't know. Thanks for the sad music, by the way, because... Stick with me here, David. Just keep answering the questions.

Yeah. You know, she's German Jew. Her name is Evelyn Wise. So where did you grow up exactly? I grew up in Connecticut. Connecticut? What city? Oh, sorry.

What high school did you go to? I was born in Bridgeport. Yeah. I lived there for 12 years, and then I moved to Shelton, Connecticut. Yeah. Your first love. Let's talk about it. Danny.

My first love. All right. Keep going, David. Don't think about it. Just answer. Stick with me here. Oh, my God. Danny. My first love. All right. Keep going, David. Don't think about it. Just answer. Stick with it. Oh, my God. Oh, my first love.

A dog I had named Bliss. Even though he did bite me at some point. They always bite you, David. Yes. They always do. True love hurts. It was a bite of love, I guess. You know, yeah.

Where did he bite you? He bit me actually above the ear. You just pointed at your eyeball and said above your ear at the same time. It's almost impressive. But the thing was he was a straight dog. He was a husk. He was a straight dog?

Yeah he was a husk. Doesn't sound like it to me. Huh? Go ahead David. I'm sorry. He was a husk. We't sound like it to me. Huh? Go ahead, David. I'm sorry. He was a husky. We brought him in, and that's the thing. We just never was able to raise him right. You know what I mean? Like train him. So he still had that wild side to him.

I was a stupid kid. I'm not going to admit it. I'm going to admit it. I was a stupid kid. I used to fuck with him, and one day he just got pissed, and he just, rawr, and then he bit my eye off. What did your dad do for a living David? Huh? What did your dad do for a living? He was a machine

operator, a molding machine. Did he drink? No. My mom did. She was an alcoholic, yes. David, I gotta be honest with you. You're so fucking interesting when you're not doing stand-up. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

You're literally the best. It turns out that you matched with the soundtrack from Forrest Gump. You're like when Forrest was running with the leg braces on when you do stand-up. And then when you become you, the leg braces break off. Run, David, run! You're doing it right now.

Let's see if this experiment keeps working. David. Uh-huh. What was the dog's name? My dog's name. It was Blizzard. Jenny. Blizzard, yeah.

Blizzard? It was white. No, Blizzard. Blizzard. Oh, Blizzard. Yeah. Jenny returns. Okay. Okay.

Blizzard. Now, where did things go wrong? With Blizzard? When he bit you? Did you put him down? No, no, no. We didn't. How much longer did you keep him around for?

He lived like 12 or 13 years. 12 or 13 years. Yeah. Dog AIDS. And then what happened? He just died naturally, you know. Were you the one that buried Blizzard's body?

Actually, I don't even remember what we did with Blizzard. I think my father took care of it. Remember he's a little bit foggy on that part, how he died. No, because here's the thing. I'll be honest. I don't know if you really are. My mom

and my dad divorced when I was two years old. And for like 10 years, my father actually raised me and my three brothers all by himself. So we were like in the, what, you know, poverty, poverty. We were so poor. Yeah. How poor were you? No, don't make a joke. Don't.

Try not to be funny. You're better when you're not funny. Keep going. Keep going. How poor were you? No, don't make a joke. Try not to be funny. You're better when you're not funny. Keep going. Keep going. How poor were you? We were so poor once I told one of my neighbors I was hungry. Serious, true story. And when my father got home and found out about that, well, you know, I got my ass whooped good that night.

David, David. David, do you see what you're doing? You're writing comedy. I was so poor when I was young. You know how poor we were? How poor were you? I asked for food one time and my dad beat the fuck out of me. That's poor, David. You're writing comedy.

Just stop trying to do it. Just do it. Yeah. That's absolutely right. How long have you been doing stand-up? About 8 years How do you make your money? I work as a window washer

Self employed Wait a second I've fucking seen you washing windows That's incredible It's hard to hide when you wash a window I'm all over the place I go to like Usually you see me on Melrose

I go to Silver Lake And you know Hollywood I've seen you on Melrose Washing windows How long have you been In the window washing game? Oh god like 11 years now

I used to wash windows For two years Well you know what they say It sucks It's a horrible job I don't like washing My own windows Do you do high ones though?

Like I had to do like High ones No no just street level Street level I mean maybe I could go Up to 30 feet But that's it a horrible job. I don't like washing my own windows. Do you do high ones, though? I had to do high ones. No, just street level. Maybe I could go up to 30 feet, but that's it. Street level or 30 feet? That's three stories above street level. That's not street level anymore, David.

That's a ball that breaks your back. No, but I'm talking with just a pole. I don't go up on... You have to climb up the pole? No, I'll climb up a ladder, but I will not be one of those fucking guys that go way up.

I used to have to do that shit. You look like you've already fallen off a couple ladders. Yes, I have. Would you consider yourself one of the best window washers in Los Angeles? Probably yes. For the price, yes, I am. Do you have any, like, cool catchphrase?

For the price you are. Are you an independent contractor? Yeah. I'm self-employed, so yeah. Shut up. They, like, call up and they're like, David. Wait, do you have, like, some cool catchphrase? Like, you know, like... David, you hungry? Fucking pigeons, man. Can you help me out? You're like...

What's the name of your ass if you clean the window. What's the name of your company? Dave's Window Washing. I don't have... It's very original. Dave's Window Wash. You have any cool catchphrases or anything like that? Like the glass is always cleaner on the other side or something?

Life is like a box of chocolates. No, no, I don't. Dave's window washing. At least I won't come on your windows. Let's ballpark a bunch of, we're going to go round robin style on names, on slogans for your company, okay? Ready?

So we'll start with you and then go to me, then Josh, then Tony, then Brian, and we'll go around, okay? Here we go. Dave, give me a slogan for your window washing. Quick. First thing that pops in your head. Don't think, man.

Dave, wash your window fast. I can't follow it. Dave, watch your window fast. Dave's washing window fast. Oh, my God. I think that's it. Dave, you see that when you don't think you're ten times funnier? I love, man, you're an interesting guy, but just stop trying to make it what you think it should be.

Just be you. I could hear you talk about window washing for 30 fucking minutes. Yeah. You're right. I am trying to find myself still. Creepiest thing you've ever seen on the other side of the glass while cleaning a window. His doppelganger. I would say like anything that the stores do with mannequins

because they do some really creepy shit with mannequins here in Hollywood. What about mannequins? Did you answer a different question? No, I like this line of questioning though. So wait, what bothers you about mannequins? No, I like this line of questioning, though. So wait, what bothers you about mannequins? I don't like balloons.

Mannequins, go, Dave. They'll put S&M outfits on fucking mannequins. Like, why the fuck do you do that shit? You know what I mean? Or they will expose one breast, not the other. It's like stupid shit like that. Yeah, they've got gotta expose both breasts. S&M, please.

When you say, why would you do that shit, are you talking about why would you put S&M stuff on a mannequin? And by the way, obviously you're also cleaning windows on Santa Monica Boulevard. I know the places that you're talking about. I think he's talking more about mannequin rights. Yeah, this is interesting. They're almost people too. Yeah. What is your favorite porn category?

I don't know about favorite. I would say Japanese. Anything that's Japanese. That is my favorite porn. Wow. I fucking love you. What is it about Japanese? Are you talking about submissive? No.

They do shit that puts America to shame. Japanese? Are you talking about submissive? No. I'm talking about they do shit that puts America to shame. Like Japanese tentacle porn. You ever seen Japanese? Say Japanese again. I want you to get it out. I feel like you had a stroke midway through saying Japanese. Two weeks.

You have to explain what tentacle porn is. I don't think we've ever heard this before. Yeah, go ahead. Explain it to us, please. Believe it or not, they actually have porn where they have a Japanese schoolgirl that's being ripped by some alien monster. She's getting these tentacles ripping off her clothes

and getting a tentacle in her pussy and her ass. I swear to God, it's the craziest fucking thing you've ever seen. Keep describing it for the podcast listeners. They got tentacles in their pussy and their ass. I swear to God, it's the craziest fucking thing you've ever seen. Keep describing it for the podcast listeners. They got tentacles in their mouth. They got tentacles all over the fucking place.

I mean, it's... At first, I thought he was saying technical porn. And I was like, technical porn? Technically, isn't it all porn? So wait, do Asian women turn to porn?

Yeah, well, you know, it's... And I know this is one of the tentacles. Actually, I like more of the Japanese anime porn. MMA porn? Anime, I don't know how you say it, but... Anime? Anime. Oh, anime.

Yeah, because they come up with some really crazy shit on anime. I don't know where they come up with it. Well, you know it's not real, right? Craziest anime. They draw it. That's where they come up with it. Well, you know it's not real, right? Craziest anime. They can draw it. That's where they come. It's not like, where do they fucking find this gorilla that's going to fuck this woman? How's this gorilla?

Where's Peeta during this whole thing? Craziest anime porn you've ever seen. Yeah. The one that they had this one. Oh, I fucking love you. They had this one. I fucking love you. Come on. They had this one where, I don't know what it was.

It was a giant ball, I guess a giant ball tentacle alien. It traps one girl, Japanese girl. It rolls along and some other girl, Japanese girl in a swimsuit walks along. She gets trapped. So they're trapped by this fucking thing. And then this guy walks along. And then all of a sudden they realize, the guy realizes he has to fuck them

and come inside them. They release the girls from the giant alien attack. I'm not making this shit up. You need a podcast, dude. I will fucking listen to that every day. Wow. Wow.

My goodness. My question is, how do you get this? Read books for me and then explain the plots. There's a big fish, a guy after him, and then someone

with a tentacle and a pussy. It's called Moby Dick. You should work in a comic book store. Right? Because that would be awesome, working around a bunch of porn, anime porn. You could probably be guidance counselor Brian Redman on the ones and twos.

I'm not. Who's that guy? The comic. I'm thinking of. The fact. I hate to say it, but the fact comic. You? That's like all of them.

Kevin Smith? Kevin Smith. No, I'm not Kevin Smith, man. You're definitely not Kevin Smith. But you are the Kevin Smith of window washing. Let's talk about it. Yes, I'm not Kevin Smith. You're definitely not Kevin Smith. But you are the Kevin Smith of window washing. Yes, I am. I feel like the tagline for your company should be David washes windows.

While I wash the window, you can guess if I was vaccinated as a child or not. That's a good slogan. Thank you. Dave, so wash your windows fast. I will consider that, Josh. I love you, David. I actually, David, we used to do open mics like 10 years ago together.

Yeah. And it's good to see that you're still doing those same open mics, brother. I love you, man. Kicking ass and cleaning glass. There he goes. David Ramek, ladies and gentlemen. Great job, David. For his Twitter, he wrote David Ramek at Twitter. So whatever that means. The at Twitter, he wrote David Ramek at Twitter.

So whatever that means. David Ramek, the at symbol, and then Twitter. So if you can find David Ramek on Twitter, you get free front row seats for the next Kill Tony. That's David Ramek.

R-A-M-I-C. One more time for him. Obviously a new Kill Tony. That's David Ramick. R-A-M-I-C. One more time for him. Obviously a new Kill Tony icon. Oh, you know what? I pulled one. I pulled another one when I thought David wasn't coming. Is Patrick B. at it again here? Patrick B.

at it again. Wow. Patrick B. at it again. He's at it again. Oh my God. Patrick B., at it again. Yeah, so I'm white. I'm so white I had to grow dreads just to see myself in the mirror. I'm so white I had to grow dreads just to see myself in the mirror. I'm so white that people at Whole Foods know my first and my last name. I'm so white that I'm still trying to understand why when I'm at taco spots, with the news on, they underserve me.

It's so unfair. But now I'm out here in Cali. Thank you. Thank you. And I noticed there's two things that interest me a lot. And that's weed and women in that order. You guys' weed, impeccable. I love it.

It's delicious. And you women are just as fine. But the difference here is... What is the difference? I want to know. I want to know if this is the one. If this is the big one. I like to play in my imagination sometimes

and like to think that you were just building all this tension for one magical joke. What is the difference between the weed and the women here in California? There you go. No answer. No answer, sorry. Like the opposite of David Ramick

if both his set and his interview went terribly. I just want to know, what was it like fighting Morpheus in Matrix Reloaded? And where is your twin brother and why do you have pigment? You look like you shouldn't have pigment. I'm over here.

You have a pen in the Dickies t-shirt pocket of your shirt. What do you do with that? Show people I do work. You need to quit comedy and start a 311 cover band. Immediately. To show people to work. I feel like he understands this. Let me speak your language.

I'm sorry. Now we met you last week. I feel like he understands this. Let me speak your language. I'm sorry. Now, we met you... We met you last week for the first time, correct? We found out you had just moved here from Hawaii. You have warrants. You're going under a secret name. You wouldn't even tell us the crimes that you committed.

And here we are, destiny, getting you pulled out of a bucket twice in two weeks. It almost seems like, you know, you're going to get arrested at some point if you keep coming back here. You know this is a live podcast. All right. Yeah, and yeah, I should have been.

I'm sorry you guys, that last set just had me so off, yeah, on laughter. Nothing funny to follow up with it, but you're right, this isn't the smartest move. And I'm not the smartest guy. I like what you're talking about here. I like that you're owning it a little bit. Can you give us some more examples of you being stupid?

As many as you'd like. Well, there you go. Go ahead. You're looking at his hair. Yeah. I want more. I want some bad decisions. Give me some, Patrick B.

Add it again. What made you write add it again in quotation marks after your name? Because the last week. Bad attempt at a joke. I am at it again. And the whole white Vans thing. Just Patrick B. Try to play with a syllable.

I have no idea what you just said. Nobody does. For a guy who's so white work. I have no idea what you just said. Nobody does in the world. For a guy who's so white, you sure don't talk like one of us. You got like this, yo, I'm so white, like, I'm fucking they know my name out, Whole Foods. It's like that dude from True Romance. It's called Whole Foods.

Whole Foods, that's how we say it. I feel like this is another one of Jeremiah's characters. You gotta initiate the H, yeah. Like Jeremiah cloned himself. Yes, sir. He's able to take on multiple forms now. I'd get rid of every one of those I'm so white jokes personally. Yeah.

I just would because I don't think anyone does that comedy anymore. Yeah. So there's no reason to practice it. Oh, man, it's time to bring it back. Hmm. to practice it. Oh, man, it's time to bring it back. I always think the interesting, crazy stuff, like the interesting stuff, is more, like, I'd rather go interesting

than something you recognize as funny. Like, I'm so white that they know my name at Whole Foods, first and last. It's not a bad joke, but it's just not something I care to listen to. How are you making money right now, Patrick? Be at it again.

I'm still trying to find something. So how are you getting weed and women in California with no money? Those looks, those dreads. Your dreads are gorgeous. Yeah, you look incredible. I'm not saying much. Thank you.

No, say more. I'm literally trying to figure out how it works. No, that's why I just don't talk because that's when things just don't talk. That's when things end up going south as far as my relationship with women. So you don't talk. You just literally walk up to them, turn your head, like point at the dreads, and they just start sucking your dick, your penniless penis they just put in their mouth. And then you judge the L.A. women while smoking L.A. weed that I guess just gets handed to you because of the dreads?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. Where do you walk to get handed weed with dreads like that? Everywhere I go. Venice Beach. If you could say one thing to Jerry, what would it be? There you go.

I'm sorry, who's Jerry? You should have asked him. Jerry Garcia. If you could say anything to the lead singer of Rusted Root. A little over your head, guys. What music do you listen to? I think is what we're getting to. I got you.

Oh, man, nothing, everything. Nothing recently because I don't have anything to play music on. Wow. You don't have a phone? I mean, I do, but I don't have the wireless data capabilities. I got to be at Starbucks or McDonald's. You have to have Wi-Fi in order to operate it. Right.

And it would be weird if I went to McDonald's to listen to music. By the way, that's a tragedy that a guy that looks like you do doesn't have the opportunity to listen to music. That's all it looks like you do. I know. I'm still trying to music. That's all it looks like you do. I know. I'm still trying to cope. Are you really running from something? Like, is there, like, legal problems that you have in your life?

Yeah, and we got into it a little bit last time. I really shouldn't bring it up because I don't like to talk about it. Well, what I'm saying is you need to turn that shit into jokes. Like, your experiences, your stories, you look like you have a million stories. And to do just some vanilla shit about being white, what a million other comics have done, like, you look like you have something to say.

So you need to express that, I think, in your comedy. Did you grow up in Hawaii? Appreciate that. No, lived out there seven years. Not really from anywhere. I was born in California, but I moved all over the place. So then you're from California. No.

I mean, I was born here, but I guess not really. I got a question. You were born mid-flight? I moved when I was three months old, so. You moved. How did you get people to help you pack? You're only three months. You got a U-Haul.

They let you. I was born in a cave 400 feet below sea level. Hey, hey. Pat Reagan. Hey, when you go down on a girl, does your beard like tickle her butthole? That's why I got it. That's why I don't got to talk. A beckle.

He calls it the chimney sweep. Ha, ha. He calls it the chimney sweep. Patrick B., anything happen to you specifically in this past week in your real life that you find worthy to mention? Anything interesting in the world? Yeah, I actually might have a job coming up this next weekend.

Hopefully. You feel it? No resumes are promising leads. You just feel it in the energies? I've burned a lot of sage. I'm feeling super confident about that. It's the Whole Foods sage.

Says he needs another guy to wash windows with him. No. I got the sage at Whole Foods. Did you apply for other jobs? Did you apply for new jobs? Have you applied for a single job, Patrick? No, I just put a tax sign on my vision board. They didn't come up

and ask me if I had weed for them. Wait, is that the job you're talking about? No, no, no. I got a legitimate job. I'll have to pay taxes and stuff now. As you should. That's how you think it works. Are you ticklish? Are you ticklish? No, I don't believe so. I have to pay taxes and stuff now. As you should. That's how you think it works. What?

Are you ticklish? Are you ticklish? No, I don't believe so. When's the last time you came? Two weeks ago. Jesus, two weeks ago. I think it was March 22nd? Yeah, that was a pretty hot day. Oh, no.

Yeah, it was. All right, Patrick. We talked to you last week. It was good to pretty hot day. Oh, no. Yeah, it was. All right, Patrick. We talked to you last week. It was good to see you again. There he goes. Hey, I'll be better next time. Thank you, guys. I don't know about that.

He's on Twitter at the White Mans. At the White Mans. I pulled another name out of the bucket already. Put your hands together for Elvis Mujic. Elvis Mujic. Elvis Mujic? Sounded too good to be true. Oh, here he comes. Elvis Mujic, ladies and gentlemen. All right. How's it going? I know it sounds like a stupid name. It's Bosnian. Are there any Bosnians here? All right.

I moved here after a war. There was a big war between Bosnia and Serbia. You don't have to guess what side of the war I was on. It was the Genocide. I had a good time in Bosnia. My best friend made it all right. He was a goat named Tina Turner, and we loved each other. And we moved to America after the war. I learned how to speak English in New York City,

but we missed Bosnia so much that we moved to Detroit. It's hard being black in Detroit, you guys. It's very difficult for me., you guys. Very difficult for me. You guys know. All right. Anyway, I left Detroit three years ago. I bought my own house. I'm 27.

I own my own house. I'm pretty proud of it. It's actually not too far from here. It's an 07 Dodge Grand Caravan. Named Beyonce. It's very nice. There you go. Elvis Music.

Elvis. How long have you been doing stand-up? Six years. Six years. Five or six. It's all of a sudden, it's lessening up. Now we're down to five.

No, no. It's at least five. I kind of stopped counting. Maybe four and three quarters? No, at least five for sure. I we're down to five. No, no, it's at least five. I kind of stopped counting. Maybe four and three quarters? No, at least five, for sure. I'll stick with that answer. Elvis, interesting, interesting, interesting. That's a long time you don't stand up.

How much of that is in Detroit? I was on probation for a year. Whoa, look at you. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. For what? I got just weed. Just weed? Yeah, I know, yeah., whoa, whoa, whoa. For what? I got just weed. Just weed?

Yeah, I know, yeah. I didn't have a lawyer. I went in, I was like, I'm going to be genuine to this. Never do that. You can't be genuine with that face. How do you be genuine with those tattoos? Every guy that did it in cold case files. Hold on, you survived the genocide, and you thought the way to go about this Was to be honest

I know You came into your country Killed your men And raped your women And you were like Let's just put ourselves out there What the hell I don't think that's Bosnian

I don't know Wait wait Which one were you Were you the rapist Or the non-rapist No I was getting raped Okay yeah That's what I thought right

Have you met Missy Huh I didn't What do you do for a living? What do you mean? Cell phone kiosk. What do you do for work? The last three months I've been unemployed.

Unemployed. It's been really rough. Huh. What did you do before that? Actually, so for three years I was living in my van. I still am, but I did stand-up. And I would go into small towns and I would do a lot of impromptu gigs, and I would sort of book

something through that, and I would go into another town and book something through that. For people who don't know, what does impromptu mean? I would show up, and I would ask a bar or restaurant, can I do a set? And small towns, they don't have a lot of entertainment, so they would say, yeah. And then I would do it,

and it would go kind of well, and then I'd come back, and I'd get money. Why is there Godfather music? Oh, you think that's Bosnian, too. I see what's going on. He doesn't know where Bosnia is. I don't either, dude. I don't know. How old were you when you left Bosnia? Seven. Oh. Seven, seven, seven, seven.

This wasn't that bad for you. No, it was great. You were in, like, first grade. You were like, whoa, I gotta meet new kids? All right. Do you look up to Vlade Divac. No, it was great. You were in like first grade. You were like, whoa, I got to meet new kids? All right. Do you look up to Vlade Divac? He's Serbian. Oh, he's Serbian? Yeah.

Oh, my bad. It's fine, dude. It's fine. So you still live in your van. Yeah. How long have you been in L.A. now? Since Christmas. Since Christmas.

Yeah. Where do you park your van in L.A.? I want to know so that I can drive by and make some noise at night no please do just start honking my horn wherever I'm going to do stand up the next day so it's always different wherever you're going to do stand up the next day

so I guess you park outside of put in your own shitty open mic right there I got a show tomorrow at Clancy's Put in your own shitty open mic right there. Oh, I know. Yeah, I got a show tomorrow at Clancy's. Wait, is this one of those impromptu shows? Did you just decide it right now? Did you just book yourself? I started it, yeah.

I have a show tomorrow. Farmer's Market. April, if you can't be in Austin for your show. Stop promoting this show, Elvis. How old are you? 27. Really? I know, I know.

I mean, your skin looks good, but you do look like you own a building and you're not cool to rent from. Oh, thank you. Yeah. No, it's a compliment. Thank you. It's very sweet of you, bro. Yeah. How did you get that so fast?

He always has Three's Company loaded up in the two spot just in case. So how much time can you do on stage? 20. So you do impromptu shows for 20 minutes? If it goes well. I mean, I just kind of read it. If it's not going well, I stop. But yeah, I did a thing where I did 50 Waffle Houses in 27 days.

And I did an hour and a half at one Waffle House. By the way, I did that too. I gained like 40 pounds. Yeah, I'm serious. Oh, you just stand up at them? Yeah, I would walk in and I'd ask. I ask everybody that's there. I don't just start.

What time of the night? What time? That one, the long set? No, no, just the average Waffle House hour. I stop before 12 because they get too fucked up and they're crazy. Oh, I would pay legit fucking money to watch this refugee go up in an Atlanta Waffle House at 3 a.m. With just hood rack bitches going like, get the fuck out of here.

I have video of this. What do you say? You're like, I do 20, but for you, I do 30. Who said that? Brother, brother brother brother so you would literally go up to like without a microphone or a speaker or anything you know please let me finish this you would go up to a table of people that are sitting there eating a meal and you would literally up yeah you guys want to hear some stand-up yeah like that while you're standing up over their food while

they're eating while they're talking to each other. Yo, if you love Grit, you'll love my comedy. Yeah. Was the audience shaking, like looking at the door, like can I get out of here? No, I'm not as nervous as I am right now. Usually I'm pretty sweet about it. Hey, who likes the comedy? Scattered, smothered,

covered. I think this is a great time for a sketch. So here we are. Four guys sitting at the bar at Waffle House having waffles. It's midnight. Now you come up and pitch yourself. No, I got it.

We're in character. I thought you were going to fuck that chick, Tony. Man, I don't know. Hey, you guys. Oh, well. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Let's start this one over, please. Figure out a way to please You want me to really do it how I actually do it?

Yeah, exactly how it goes down Okay, hold on, hold on Back off, we gotta get in character, okay? You gonna eat that? Wait, just let it happen, Brian Let it happen for a second I'm gonna get more bacon You guys want more bacon?

You can't eat more bacon You're too fat You guys, excuse me Excuse me, you guys Would you guys be okay if I did some stand-up comedy here for you tonight? That sounds pretty fucking terrible, but go ahead. That's an answer, yeah.

No, if somebody says that, if there's one person who's not into it... Just do what you're fucking gonna do! What are you, retarded? It's a commentary! Hey, normally when I'm doing the best I can, this is live, dude! Go, motherfucker!

Tell some jokes! I'm still in character. I'm eating my waffle. I'm still in character. I'm a guy at Waffle House. This isn't me hosting the show. You just asked. You're going to interrupt us? Yeah, sure.

Do you mind if I get my amp and mic? Where do you keep that at? It's in the van. I live in a van. Where's the manager of Waffle House? Just doing some standing. Ma'am, can someone get this refugee out of here? What the fuck?

Hey, come on. I said we take him outside and fuck him in the ass. Let's do it. He's got the van. Yeah, that's nice. So, like, what would be your opening joke, Elvis? You're really not committed to it. You're really just letting us ramble. So you would go get an amp and a microphone. You would come into the Waffle House. You would put it at the end of

the table and you would stand this far. You would come into the Waffle House, you would put it at the end of the table, and you would stand this far. You would stand right next to the table with a microphone. You'd be like, so now that I have this amp and microphone. No, I would stand right next to the fucking jukebox and I'd stand on a chair, plug my amp and mic in, and do a set.

You got balls, man. It's because it's hard to get audience members. You would plug into the jukebox? There's no jukebox at Waffle House. I would stand next to it. Yes, there is. I would stand right next to it. There's a Waffle House at every jukebox. There's a Waffle House at every jukebox?

Well, there's a jukebox also on every table there, right? Do you ever plug into the little table one? That must be West Coast. That's Johnny Rockets. Can I help you rethink your business paradigm? Yeah, sure, please. Why Waffle Houses? Why not go to a place where people don't want to be and lighten up their day,

as opposed to go to where people directly want to be and then bother them? Yeah, yeah. I've done at least like 50 different places here the first two months I was here. Why not go to like a bar that already has a stage and a mic? How about the DMV? I tried that once. They were like, I've never had that question before. No.

In the waiting room at the DMV? Yeah, I thought that would be pretty fun, but they said no. You took an amp and a mic in there? No, I asked the manager and they said, oh, that's an interesting question. His opening joke was, H-16, H-16. What you should do is go to the DMV, actually say you have a problem, take a number, and just wait.

And you just stand up and start doing your act for those people. No, they would throw him out or arrest him. You'd be like, I got to renew my registration. No, I always get permission from everybody there, not just who's in charge. So I ask everybody. Oh, so that probably never works. No, it does. I did this every night.

You mean you walk around a Waffle House, get everybody to approve. This was only for a month. I've done like restaurants, bars. I did McDonald's once. Dude, now I'm fucking hungry. Do you always dress like a school shooter that after shooting the school goes to the little baby boy bodies and then fondles? I look in the mirror and I'm like,

you have a look that covers really everything. He looks like the lead singer of Minor Threat. Can I just tell you he dropped any real hardcore people in this motherfucker, doesn't he? Can I just tell you he dropped a book bag off next to me before he got on stage. There's a book bag right there.

He definitely has the vibe if one of these people were going to shoot themselves in the mouth during their set. Have you seen me? I feel like you write your jokes on a pressure cooker. Oh, God. Sometimes. I liked your material. I thought it was funny.

You actually, out of the people that have gone with you tonight, you did fairly well. The crowd liked you. In the minute, you had material. Thank you. I just think that you've got to hit more places than fucking Waffle Houses. Oh, I do. I do.

You've got to hit the IHOPs, the Denny's. I'll try. You've got to hit the Chipotle's. Get ethnic. I'll try. There he goes, Elvis Mujic ladies and gentlemen, he's on Twitter at Elvis Comedy If you're wondering who Elvis Comedy is

it's him Oh shit, what's going on? There he goes He just touched me twice I have his DNA now Alright How about AJ Rank, everybody AJ motherfucking Rank Here we go

People coming from All right. How about AJ Rank, everybody? AJ motherfucking Rank. Here we go. People coming from deep in the back tonight. Here he comes. It's AJ Rank, everybody. Put your fucking hands together for AJ Rank. Thank you. I about to turn 27, which is a little depressing, just because I thought by now my voice would be a little bit deeper. Puberty sucks.

I like having sexual intercourse. That's something fun to do. Last time I tried, though, I took a girl home back to her house. I didn't have a condom. I asked if she had one. She's like, yeah, and then she pulled out a Magnum. I was like, oh, no. It's going to be a challenge, I think. But I figured like, what the hell, try it out. So I put it on, but she got mad at me. She's like, what are you, 12? Take that off your hand. I'm like, okay. Should fit like a glove. That's what. I don't like dirty talk. I don't like when girls do that. It's weird to me. One girl was

like, she kept repeating, I'm a dirty whore. I was like, ew, that's gross. Probably should have wore that condom right, I think. It's gross. I don't like dirty talking either. That's weird. I just don't do it right. The whole point of dirty talking either. That's weird. Like, I just don't do it right. Like, the whole point of dirty talking is to, like, sound cool. All right, I'll just stop there. Finish it, go ahead. Finish, all right. Whole point of dirty talking is to sound cool.

I don't sound cool. Like, when I dirty talk, I just sound like I'm leading a focus group. Like, I say stupid shit like, does that feel good? Do you like that? How does my product compare to its competitors? Because I'm like, all right, my name is AJ Rank. AJ Rank. This is your first time on the show, right?

First time, yeah. Very cool. Welcome. Very funny. Where are you from? Detroit, actually. Wow. Another one from Detroit.

See, Elvis? Started in the same place as you. How long have you been doing stand-up? On and off for like three years. Yeah, interesting. Easy breezy. How many Waffle Houses have you performed at? Zero.

Zero Waffle Houses. Throwing up in a few. What do you do for work? I just got out here so I'm unemployed What was that Jeremiah? Ah man time fleets Man for a Recently released prisoner you really

Respect good comedic timing Uh yeah What was the answer though? I don't even remember the question. He just came out here. He just got out here. He just got out here. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What did you do back home? I was in sales. Of what? Babies? Logistics, transportation. How long have you been here? Just making cold calls all day. How long have you been in L.A.?

Two weeks. Two weeks. Wow. What have you pretty much spent it doing? This. Sleeping. Weed. Oh, wow. What have you pretty much spent it doing? This, sleeping, weed, that's it. What are the new jokes that you wrote the two weeks out here where, like, your change shifted and you were like,

oh, you know what's different about here as opposed to Detroit? Well, I'm trying some, like, one-liners just because comics don't laugh at anything. So, like, I just don't want to bomb at open mics. Yeah, well, okay. When I first came out here from New York, New York was all about being able to do crowd work. When I came out here

I realized you needed set up punch and I didn't have any of them. I don't do it anymore but it's a nice thing to learn how to do different parts of stand up to get yourself out of bad situations. So one-liners aren't bad. I mean, but yeah, you're really funny, man. You're very funny.

Don't worry about what other comics think about you. You know, just be a nice guy and just be yourself on stage and you'll be fine because those jokes were great. Like when you started that whole condom thing with the Magnum, I was like, oh, here we go. I've heard this one before. And then you added like three other jokes that followed that that were terrific. So just keep writing. Don't do one-liners if that's not your thing.

I mean, the way you're writing right now is fine. Okay. Yeah, I like that I took her home to her place. I don't know if you meant that to be a joke. I actually fucked that joke up. Okay. Hey, what's your favorite comedy special? Dot, dot, dot. To have joke up. Okay. Hey, what's your favorite comedy special? Dot, dot, dot.

To have sex to. Wow. Pat Ring. I'm killing it. I'm killing it. So, AJ, tell us something else interesting about you. What made you pick L.A., not New York? I went to New York.

I have some friends that live there, and I just wasn't a fan of all the people. Dude, you look like you'd be eaten alive in New York. Probably. And friends that live there and I just wasn't a fan of all the people. Dude, you look like you'd be eaten alive in New York. Probably. And you grew up in Detroit. How did you survive the apocalypse? I didn't grow up in Detroit. I just worked. Those New York comedians would just literally try to fuck you. They'd be like,

look at that fucking cute little spinner with the short hair, right? As opposed to Austin trying to get you. That would happen here, I think. You sound like, like, I'd sound like you if I never snorted Oxycontin.

If I didn't drink gasoline. How much time can you do on stage? The most I've ever done was 25. How did it go? It was good. There was only like

seven people there, but. So that doesn't count. For the record, that does, yeah. But it went well. It was good. There was only like seven people there. For the record, that does... But it went well. It wasn't like an awkward... It was an audition for the new Spider-Man movie. What's your go-to song on karaoke? Lose Yourself, Eminem. Oh, yes.

You had a very quick answer there. Go ahead with it. Lose Yourself, Eminem Gotta get into it Can you do it? I don't even know I gotta have the lyrics His palms are sweaty, knees weak Arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweater already

Mom's spaghetti, he's nervous He's nervous on the surface, but his arms are heavy He drops bombs, but he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down. The whole crowd goes so loud. He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out. He's choking how everybody's choking now. The clock's ticking. Wow, a white guy

with no rhythm. He sounds like a younger version of David Ramek. He's like 8-mile Fiat bicycle. Doesn't he? A little bit. Before the stroke. I will say, to take this to a more serious

comedy... You can just let the moment go. Don't let it go. Just let it go, Brian. Please, for the love of God, stop playing the music. Do you want me to do it? I'll do it. You already did it. It's over. How about do a minute of to do it? I'll do it. You already did it. We already did it. I don't need it.

It's over. How about do a minute of stand-up? We can do that again. I will say it. Yo, cue the music, Brian. You know who he really reminds me of? God's honest truth. You remind me of Kirk Fox.

Does anybody, you know what I mean? Just your cadence. I mean, he's a little bit quieter. And no offense offense better jokes but that's also you're new at it you're very likable man you're gonna be fucking

I totally agree I think you're one of the top young rising lesbian comedians dude Tony if he was a gay comedian they'd call him Moshe Catcher. Man, for a prisoner, you have good knowledge of comedians and references. Yeah, I watch Comedy Central.

Oh, they play that at the yard, huh? All right. The guy that caught Jeremiah's name was Moshe Capture. Oh. The guy that caught Jeremiah's name was Moshe Capture I don't think we need any Moshe of these Moshe jokes AJ What's an interesting hobby That you have or something that you're good at I feel like you have a special talent That you're not telling us about

Oh fuck Special talent Something that you're into that you do I was audited by the IRS, and I evaded them. And you what?

I evaded them going to jail. You just stopped paying your taxes for a little bit? I owned my own business for a little bit. What was it? I rented tents out for graduation parties and like, what's that? Coltins? No, like tents for weddings.

Colpins and tent? I don't know what the fuck a Colpins is. No wonder the business failed. No, the business did great. Party rapping? This conversation got fucking intense. I'm actually good at basketball, too. Well, not good, but decent enough for a white guy.

Really? Basketball? Wow, you're like the white guy version of the nerdy girl that takes off her glasses and becomes hot. You're like that on the basketball court. People are like, look at that guy riding up on a tricycle. And then you take off the glasses

and you just ball on people. Do you have special sports goggles that you put on? No, I mean, contacts. Wow. What's a secret about you that you... Like, tell us a secret. A secret of... Yeah, I like that.

You want to, like, a deep... Like, be real about it. Yeah. Like, I one time told people that my first wet dream, I was riding a horse. Okay. Fair enough. Like, I want to... Like, give me...

Go, go. I haven't done it yet But I think I would Actually really enjoy Like in watching people Have sex Like in person Like just You know

Like just to Mother cucker I think I would like it I haven't done it I'm willing to experiment You're talking about Live watching a couple Have sex

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Like voyeurism Or whatever We all would Yeah

Well like Just hang out Later tonight with Elvis. Okay. I think I'd like french fries. I haven't tried them, but I think I'd like them. True. You've never watched people fuck?

Well, like, yeah. On a fucking computer. But like in person. I gotta go like Tijuana. You like it in real life. Well, no shit. But like, it would still be kind of awkward when you think. Have you done it?

Yeah, no. You're not watching me and my wife fuck. And that would be awkward. And his wife's got a NuvaRing. Honey, honey, I met this guy earlier tonight. He's a new comic. He's a new comic. He thinks he might like this.

Come on. Missy, maybe. I don't know. You're pitching yourself to Missy right now. You're like, Missy, I might like it. Maybe. Have you done it? Have any of you actually?

Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to the Casa Rosa in Amsterdam and I watched. I paid money to watch people fuck. Yeah, I watched people fuck and yeah, it fucking smells weird. Smells like buttholes and fucking homeless feet. Yo, welcome to prison, dog. Ass and shrimp. AJ, this is interesting, wanting to watch a couple fuck live.

Now, would you go glasses or contacts for that? Contacts, for sure. Really? Yeah. Colored contacts? No, no colored contacts. Foggy contacts. Yeah, I don't want it.

Juvenile tattoos? What's that? Whoa, it looks like Brian hit a bunch of buttons at once. Tony. Yeah. I feel some sexual tension between you two. Oh, wow, you stopped the show to do that, huh? Look at that, you got a couple angry comedians clapping.

No, I mean, I know I've asked everybody personal questions. Brian, this is episode 203 of the show. Do you like how he's dressed? Like a lumberjack? No, more like a lumberjill. You're taking a lot of creative chances here tonight, Brian, and it really doesn't ever really work that well. Hey, I got a question.

Yeah. Why do we bury our pets instead of setting them on fire in canoes and pushing them out to sea? Granted, Scandinavians do it, but they don't count as people. Wow, you did learn how to read in prison, Pat. A.J. Rank. Alright, buddy. Well, welcome to the show. Thank you. Great job. Thank you.

Very funny stuff. There he goes. You saw him here. A.J. Rank. He's on Twitter at A.J. Rank I-S-A-I A-J-R-A-N-K Junior. You're A.J. Rank Junior? Wow, there he goes. A.J. Rank Junior? Wow, there he goes. A.J. Rank Junior. That's his handle on

Twitter. One more time for A.J., everybody. This has been fun. We have a regular on this show that writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. It's a goddamn anomaly of the art form that takes place weekly here. She doesn't get pulled out of the bucket. She literally has to do it every single

week. You get to watch her grow, kill. It's always so fun. One of my favorite comedians to watch. It's the great Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. Come on! AJ, rank is hot as hell. Oh my god.

Fuck. He's so hot okay I got rear-ended in an uber pool the other day and that is not a euphemism for for getting anal in a gangbang but I have tried anal before which which is tight. Well, it didn't work out very well. Like, the guy couldn't get it in. And honestly, I take the blame for it. I feel like I did a half-assed job. I'm about to get out of this abusive relationship I'm in, which is, like, exciting and terrifying, you know.

I'm about to start taking this pill that will cure my acne. And it's the longest relationship I've been in, about five years. And once this, like, it does feel like a relationship in the way that I feel like once my acne clears up, I'm like, it wasn't really that bad. Okay, yeah. Is AJ still here? Wow, you are really in love with AJ Rank. Yeah, let's get him back on the stage and see if we can get him back. Please, he's so hot. AJ, get back up here.

What's going on? AJ. AJ, you want some booze? You're being called up to the couch. The proverbial Kill Tony couch. For those of you that don't know, Ali Mikovsky's never had an orgasm. And I'm pretty sure AJ Rank has never given an orgasm.

So this is going to be... This is a match made in falling asleep early heaven. Wow, AJ, initial thoughts about... Whoa, look at this. Power move. He just slid right into first base. He just said he would kiss me.

Oh. Alright, let's make it happen. It's gotta happen. Cue the music. Wow. Our first ever Kill Tony matchup. It's AJ Rank and Ally McCoskey.

Where are you going, AJ? You're supposed to kiss her, you fucking pussy. I think it would be only fitting if someone else kissed her and he watched. Hey, what? Forrest Gump guy. Unbelievable. Who would you like to see kiss her?

Brian wants to get the window washer up here. Just to watch. He's probably clean. I say we make a full-blown analogy and he washes the window while two people kiss and you're his employee and you're like, whoa, are you seeing that? Give him a kiss, Allie.

What are you so afraid of? I won't kiss him, but I will suck his dick. Wow. Oh, wow. We just raised the stakes. All right, go ahead, Allie. Suck his dick. Go in the dick-sucking curtain.

Wait, what about my dick? It's not a dick-sucking curtain, Brian. See, when you do that, it gets too weird. Hey, go behind the old dick-sucking curtain. What if she actually sucks his dick in the back? We do a couple more comics, come out, smell her mouth. Smell her mouth. There you go.

There it is. Man, it's a hood trap right there. Smells like bleach. She did it. I feel like we look good together, no? Yeah, you guys look like you belong in an anti-Trump protest or something like that. He will not divide us. know? Yeah, you guys look like you belong in a anti-Trump protest. Something like that.

He will not divide us. I refuse to look into his eyes, but there's so much going on. Yo, Tony. Wow, look at that. When he does that... Let's see how close you guys can get to kissing without kissing.

Jeremiah Watkins. Let's play hetero you guys can get to kissing without kissing. Jeremiah Watkins. Let's play Hetero Chicken. It's happening. It's happening. Yes, you can. Yeah, let's see how close you can get. I like this power move. Wow, lighting change.

We even got a motherfucking lighting change from Damon up top. AJ. I love this. AJ. AJ. Wow. AJ rank, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes with the great Ali Makovsky.

Go make a comedy, baby. Well, Ali, I guess stick around. Yo, Tony. My mom's watching. Oh, wow. Your mom's watching. Oh, wow. Your mom's here? Oh, fantastic. You know what they say.

One in the rank, two in the stank. What did you say? Nothing. It's not worth repeating. Yo, Tony. Yeah. It's always been a fantasy of mine to see the Verizon Wireless guy hook up with Jay from Jay and Silent Bob. to see the Verizon Wireless guy hook up with Jay from Jay and Silent Bob.

Damn. Two in one episode. You have a little bit of both going on. You're like Silent Jay right now. I like that. You know what's good? He fucked with me before the acne went away. He's down. How wet are you right now? You can with me before the acne went away. He's down.

How wet are you right now? You can say he's proactive about your relationship. Wait, what? You can say he's proactive about your relationship. There you go. I had a feeling we had something there. Interesting stuff. What else is going on in life, Allie?

There was another amazing set. It's incredible. Plowing it out every week like that. I love that going on in life, Allie? There was another amazing set. It's incredible. Plowing it out every week like that. I love that you fell in love blatantly. Oh my God, I'm horny as hell. Why do you think that is? I don't know. I think because I want what I can't have.

Oh, you can probably have that. You can totally have that. He's got nothing going on. He just got here two weeks ago. AJ, for Christ's sake. You turned down the blowjob curtain. I mean, I tried to help you. Guy looks like he works at a yogurt land.

I'm lactose intolerant, so that's perfect. All right, all right, stop. Oh, well, good thing we don't cum milk. Wow. All right, Ali. Well, I mean, you killed it again. You have any questions for us? Any questions for the machine Bert Kreischer?

No. Or goddamn comedy jams? Josh, out of my hands. I think it was really, I liked that half-ass joke. Thank you. Yeah. That took a weird turn, and I'm not proud of myself, but I'm feeling good. What took a weird turn?

The half-ass joke? I mean, I wasn't, I never was like, oh, I can't wait to get into comedy so I can kind of make out with a hot guy on stage. I mean, of course not. That's just one part of one small thing. It's no big deal. Just one episode and it was just something that happened. Hey, guess what? I didn't get into comedy.

I didn't get into comedy so I could shit blood in an airport, but it happened. Yeah. Yeah. Allie, it's not like making out with, you know, a half a lesbian is your new getter done and you're going to have to do it every set or anything like that. I didn't get into comedy so I could gag trying to put down a fucking jack on the rocks in a fucking bathroom at 6am but it's part of the gig.

I didn't get into comedy so I could turn down blowjobs in West Palm but I'm married and she gets half my shit. So whatever. Fucking toughen up, Allie. It's going to be great at your wedding when they play that video. Yeah, of Kiltone. Or I mean,

or whatever it's called. Hell yeah. Allie Makovsky, you did it again. Great job, Allie. Very funny. Some improvised fun. What do you guys think? Go to the bucket one last time? Do something crazy and then get the fuck out of here?

Let's do it. Sometimes it's someone boring. Sometimes it's the craziest person of the night. Hopefully the window washing guy signed up twice. Who knows? Anything can happen. Wow, it really is. One of our favorite guests ever on this show. Put your hands together for a Kill Tony legend.

It's the great Steve Lee, everybody. I love you, Brian. Make some fucking noise, people! Chessist girl. Yeah. I almost couldn't make it on stage, so... It's not a joke.

Here, let me help you. Sorry. Give me five more minutes, guys. Did I just prove, like, all Asian people can't walk really fast? Stereotype? That's for you, sir. So. That's for you, sir. Are you done? I only got one minute. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So in L.A., a lot of people told me, Steve, you're going to make it because you're unique. You're Asian and disabled. I'm like, so I don't need to be funny? So when I find out there's another Asian disabled comic, I'll kill that motherfucker. Just saying Boom Steve Lee

Did you want to do more? Go more I'm sorry I fucked it up Do another one So I went to geneticist He told me bad news is My muscle cells grow a lot of fat cells instead of muscle cells. That's why I can't dunk.

On the other hand, he told me good news is my condition is not going to affect my kids. So I'm like, thanks God. I'm not going to have another Asian disabled kid out there compete with me in showbiz. Nice.

Steve motherfucking Lee. Fuck yeah. You are incredibly funny. That was great, man. Terrific. An insane ninja style callback to the walking slow thing earlier. That was so

fucking good. That ability is so fun. Because I don't think any of us had it on our head, but man, you took forever. I almost grabbed one of your crutches thinking it was one of the mic stands. You had three things moving around at once

and I was like, fuck, I don't know which one to grab. It was so great that you brought that up immediately. You were so slow. I could not stop laughing about that. That was making me laugh so fucking hard. It was real. There were so many wires. Should I jump over them?

I can't do shit. You know. It's like handicap wipeout What's a crazy time you've gotten Stuck in a terrible Physical like position You ever take like escalators or shit Like shit ever get weird? You have to like speed up

At the end of the escalator like Here we fucking go go go Get the fuck out of there you know what I mean You mean like transportation related? You have to speed up at the end of the escalator. Like, here we fucking go, go, go, go. Like that. Get the fuck out of there. You know what I mean? You mean like transportation related? Yeah. Problem.

I did some shows. Their stage is like this high. And there's no like second or little step I can step on. Right. So I just couldn't do the show. Don't you just have an amp and a mic that you carry around and plug into the jukebox once in a while I should

so you just walked up to the stage and stopped and they're like I guess he's not here I mean like I ended up doing like doing it like down there I love it when you use your walker as a pointer. It's totally a thing. Steve, I can't remember what this condition...

How bad was the car accident that you started to... All right. Why are Asian car accident jokes... That was the second one that failed here tonight. Really, out of all the stereotypes of all the races, you realize that's the biggest one, right? They fucking can't drive. I mean, it's truly un-fucking-

By the way- It's unbelievable. Steve, do you drive? By the way, this is real. My speeding record is so bad, I applied for Uber and they rejected me. You drive? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

It is ironic that the slowest Asian on earth speeds everywhere. All right. There you go. There's the entire cartoon for you from Brian. I've been dating an Asian girl for almost a year. She's been in three car accidents in one year. 100%.

She got in a car accident taking the rental back. She destroyed the car in front of the rental car place. Love hurts. What kind of Asian are you? Chinese. Old school. It's a fucking hurts rental car joke.

He said rental car you fucking haters Alright Anyway, Steve Lee How long have you been doing stand up? Seven years Too long And how do you survive? What do you do again?

I used to work in the Bay Area It's like a startup company But after they went south, I was like, ah, I don't have a job. I guess I moved to LA. Trying to make it. I mean, I get by from time to time.

At least I have a place to stay. Do you get sent in on casting calls? No, I haven't. You mean Asian disabled roles that are out there? Yeah, right. Everybody knows Ken Jung gets all this.

I'm doing more writing now, so probably that's the direction I want to do. What do you write with your feet? Alright, shut up. Yeah, you want to not laugh at my fucking driving jokes? Well, that's what you get, bastards.

Yeah. What do you mean? No, actually, you asked the right question. I use like a voice to text program. Siri? And sometimes I'm having an accident. Voice to text?

By the way, how difficult that computer's job is. Can you please repeat? Please repeat. Cheese and meat. Okay, so I have a problem with the program because I have an accent. Oh, yes. No shit, Steve.

What? My program is defaulting. You cause the program a great shame. The program is a failure. The program is a failure. Can I make one request? Can I do a selfie with all you guys? Yeah, of course. You think you can get that with your tiny arms?

All right, fine. Try to pull off the world's shortest selfie. One of those crutches better turn into a selfie stick. Oh, my goodness. This isn't roasting. I'm pretty sure this is Mongolian barbecue. What's going on right here? You know we're going to be hungry in 15 more minutes.

Oh man. Wait, were we supposed to be in that? Here, give it to me. Everybody's in it, but but Steve I love this this is one of the greatest things we've ever tried to shoehorn in Steve Lee before you

oh wow one with the audience get into it audience You fucking haters Bunch of Diaz Brothers fans in the front row Don't want to play nice huh Alright Steve Lee I really enjoyed it Steve

I really did Okay I have one question The joke about I can't dunk People don't laugh all the time With that punchline Yeah, because it's not that funny Man, I don't know What are you wondering exactly?

About the dunk part? So the joke is So my muscle cells develop Turn into fat instead of muscle That's why I can't dunk it Like that, right? That's how you say it? Say it how you say it. My muscle cells develop

a lot of fat cells instead of muscle cells. That's why I can't dunk. This sounded like a I know a lot about cells. I think maybe you could put it more on the nose or you could just switch it up for something else. I'm going to make a judgment

call here and think you should be doing crowd work. The way you came up with the joke about me was so quick. I would like you to do a tab of crowd work to the audience real quick. Yeah, let's try some. Just try it.

Just try it. What the fuck? Come on, Steve. Don't be scared. It's like walking without crutches. Yeah. Should go good. Just try it on one of these boring meatheads in the front here covered in tattoos. One of these guys that could easily have their way with you. Yeah, exactly. I'm pretty sure they're fucking UFC fighters.

But go ahead, Steve Lee. But Steve, don't be a pussy. Light them up. Okay. Yeah. I'm, don't be a pussy. Light him up. I'm sweating already. No, no, no. Go for the fucking tatted up one. What's up, bitch?

It's alright, Steve. They're sweating too. They worked out before this. What's up, guys? This, you know, gay skateboarder group Right here What's up How you doing By the way

Yes And it's genius And I think you could be A roast god There's something about Being completely Fucking handicapped And coming up

Looking like Look at these gay skateboarders What the fuck Am I right It's great Fucking Schlups Keep going Steve Keep going It's great. It's fucking schlups. Keep going, Steve.

Keep going. It's unbelievable. Ask them what they do for a living. Ask them what they do for a living. But Steve, light them up. Light them up. This is incredible. Steve, you're like Don Ricketts.

I'm not going to touch you, dude. You're fine. Come on. Don Ricketts. What do you do for a living? What? Manage the paintball field. Manage paintball field?

Is that like your highest achievement in your life? Is your mother proud of you? Steve, call him a faggot. Do you shove those paintballs in your ass? Like, oh yeah, yeah! You shove those paintballs in your ass? Like, oh yeah! Steve, I think it works

Yeah I think you can dunk after all Don't be scared No one is going to hurt you God already did Yeah exactly You gotta take the hard route dude I think yeah

I really think that you're untouchable man You really are You have a license to say and act whatever, any way you want to an audience because you come up with a disability and fucking light bitches up. Is there anyone black in here? Steve, go after

a black guy. Go after a black guy. Just tell a good black joke, Steve. Nothing's going to happen to you. Do you have any good black jokes? Over here, over here. Oh, they're all pointing at this one guy. It felt really weird to be pointing. Here he is. I found him. Obviously there's a fourth member of the band that just broke out of prison over there.

Go on, Steve. Where's the black guy? I can't see you. Oh. Brian. Steve, it's either a floating white shirt or there's a black guy back there. Man. Someone starched the fuck out of his shirt and left it on a chair.

Because when you do crowd work, it doesn't work all the time. No, that's not true. And it goes both ways. And you should be, you know, taking chances and having fun. And there's truly something hilarious with being an insult comic who is, I've never seen or even heard of anything like that. And when I first saw you call those guys gay skateboarders, I truly, my head almost fucking exploded. Yep.

As a fan of roasting, there's something about having a huge, you're like a glaring, I mean, you're a huge target. Wait, here's Red Band. Tony, you have to watch out though because at comedy clubs a lot of people get drunk. They could just accidentally nudge you when they walk by and you'll fall down on the ground immediately. There you go. You should live in fear every day of your life. According to Brian,

you should be careful. You could fall down at some point. You know what? This is super meta and super deep, but your defense your whole life has been making jokes about yourself before anyone else could. Fuck it, man.

Own this stage. Go up and just light motherfuckers up. The better looking they are, destroy them. By the way, I'm just saying that that doesn't have to be your whole act, but if you can find that, let that be your wedge in the door, your foot in the way, I'm just saying that that doesn't have to be your whole act, but if you can find that, let that be your wedge in the door, your foot in the door, and let them know you can do that.

No pun intended. Your foot. You're really good on your toes. My goodness. It was great, man. You were really, yeah. Just say, look, we don't know what the fuck we're talking about. We're just giving you a tab of advice from the outside, CNN,

and I just thought it was fun watching you come up with stuff very quickly. Yeah. And don't make yourself the punchline. Light motherfuckers up. It's true. No one's going to fuck with you, man. Fuck with you. You're untouchable.

Yeah, man. You the praying magnet.'re untouchable. Yeah, man. You the praying mantis. The praying magnet? The praying mantis. Oh. My bad. I have one question for that. My grammar not too good. I have one question.

Wait, Steve Lee has a question for you, Jeremiah. So what happened if I went to prison? What happened? Man, I'd use your little hands and fist dudes buttholes, man. Man, I'd use your little hands and fist dudes buttholes, man. Steve, do some mean crowd work on Jeremiah real quick. What would you say about him if he was sitting

in the front row of your show now, Steve Lee? So is that like a prison rehab program right there? Like they're playing saxophone, jazz and shit. Come on, go deeper. Look at me. Just say it, Steve. Come on, go deeper. Look at me. Just say it, Steve.

Come on, you know it. Steve, it's staring right at your face. All right, you fucking faggot. Whoa, Jesus. Whoa. Whoa. I didn't tell you to say fucking all angrily before it like that, Steve. We meant it like a compliment.

Nice clothes, you must be a faggot. Yo, you just got jumped into this game. Put your hands together for the great Steve Lee, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter, it's Steve Lee Comedy. That's episode 203 of Kill Tony. We have the goddamn comedy jam coming up.

Wednesdays, 10pm. Comedy Central. You can also catch Jeremiah Watkins on that show. Other friends of Kill Tony. Pretty much everybody who's on it, I'm sure, has done Kill Tony. Johnny Skordis, everybody. The great machine,

Bert Kreischer! Tony Hinchcliffe's on my podcast this week. It's a day after this, I guess. Check out the Birdcast. Tomorrow, catch me on the Birdcast. It's a good one. It was so good. It felt like we were there for 40 minutes. It turns out we churned out a quick two hours.

The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel, who drew that while all you lazy asses sat there. Wow. That's just absolutely fucking ridiculous. If you want to do something crazy after the show, find Ryan J. on the front patio and ask him to show it to you while you sat there and did absolutely fucking nothing.

He'll show it to you. That's available at ryanjebel.com. So is the brand new Kill Tony poster, which I'm absolutely in love with. That's what's going to be next week when I finally get one. It's going to be in the middle of my living room right next to my other Kill Tony poster. It's going to be in my bedroom.

Ooh la la. Above the bed. We are going to Austin on the 22nd and Houston on the 23rd. And I'm doing a bunch of stand-up a ton of different places. I just signed on to a deal with Monster Energy Drink. It's putting me on a tour this summer. Monster Energy Drink presents Tony Hinchcliffe.

Yeah. Hello. That's this summer. That's on TonyHinchcliffe.com. Get tickets wherever you live. I'm performing near you because I have to do over 12 cities in two weeks. So come be part of the fun.

TonyHinchcliffe.com. Thank you, live audience. That's Kill Tony 203. Love you. This was a triumph. Making a note here. Huge success. It's hard to overstate my satisfaction

Aperture science We do what we must because we can For the good of all of us Except the ones who are dead But there's no sense crying over every mistake you just keep on trying till you run out of kick and the science gets done and you make a neat gun for the people who are still alive i'm not even angry

I'm being so sincere right now Even though you broke my heart And killed me And tore me to pieces. Threw every piece into a fire. As they burn. Now before. you