KILL TONY - KILL TONY #204

Episode Date: April 8, 2017

Byron Bowers, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 03/27/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis! Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to kill tony here at death squad check out our website death squad.tv for everything you need for the death squad universe including past episodes kill tony video portions of kill tony and tour dates if you click on tour dates there you see that not only do we record kill tony every monday at the road Comedy Store, but we are going on the road. That's right. This month, the 22nd of April, we are in Austin, Texas for the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Yes, it's going to be a lot of fun. And the following day, we're bringing Kill Tony to Houston. And then following that episode of Kill Tony in Houston, we got a secret show.

So if you've been jealous of all the secret shows we've been doing here in Los Angeles, here's your chance to go to a secret show in Houston at the Secret Group Comedy Club. All this information can be found at DeathSquad.tv and just clicking on tour dates. Also, ShopSquad.tv, that's the official merchandise of the death squad universe

we have a new hat for pre-order right now the 2017 edition of this lucky stripe hat we got them in pink and purple or crimson and purple check it out the pre-orders right now ships this month at shop squad dot tv also don't forget ryan ebelt.com. He's the house artist. He has the new kill Tony poster up there for sale. He also has past episodes of where he's drawn the episode. Check it out at Ryan J ebelt.com. Last but not least, don't forget Tony Hinchcliffe. He has a website, the golden pony. He has some merchandise there, some tour dates, check out Tony Hinchcliffe.com. All right, guys.

Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Raymond from Real Life with the real famous comedy story. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hinchcliffe. I literally got stuck on a rope. That was unbelievable. That was epic. Hello, welcome. Welcome, Monday night. Hopefully that's some crazy...

I tripped on that crazy rope. Did you see that? I really got stuck there. That could have been a disaster. Welcome, Monday night. Hopefully that's something crazy. I tripped on that crazy rope. Did you see that? I really got stuck there. That could have been a disaster. That was a real-life accident, everybody. Wow. That just goes to show this is a real-life show.

Anything can happen. You guys ready to have some fun tonight? This is a show where even the hosts can fall out immediately. Coming out. This is Brian Redband. Hey, guys. On the sound effects. Ryan J. Ebeld's drawing tonight's episode.

He also drew the brand new Kill Tony poster. Look at that. Available on sale right now at ryanjebeld.com. Get yourself a Kill Tony movie poster. Why the hell not? He's drawing tonight's episode. We're going to get to see that drawing later on. I'm excited about tonight.

Ryan J. Ebel also has a bunch of prints for sale. He draws every episode also. A lot of people don't know that. Somebody just wrote me the other day and freaked out. Every single episode, including the one that you're at right now. While you sit there like a bunch of lazy asses, Ryan J. is drawing tonight's episode as it goes. All available at ryanjebel.com.

The show that you're at is going to Austin, Texas next Sunday. Moontower. Not next Sunday. The 22nd. Sure. It's Saturday. We're going to the Moontower Comedy Festival. And then the following day, the 23rd, we're going to Houston

and doing Kill Tony, followed by a secret show with Luis J. Gomez. That's not next. No, it's April's 3rd. What the hell? I'm a busy man. It's a good thing. Trust me. Good problems to have is when it's all a blur.

So that's exciting. What am I doing that next weekend? Buffalo? Anyway. Life is good. I'm excited about things things i just found out there's an extra week that i didn't know existed uh live on a live show right in front of all of you um i'm excited about tonight let's go guests first put your hands together for byron bowers ladies and gentlemen comedy central hbo one of my funniest friends one of the greatest rising comedians in the world.

Worked with him 10 years now. Holy shit. Wow, thank you. That's incredible. Here's Byron Bowers. Y'all unbelievable. Yo, what's up? Byron Bowers in the house, ladies and gentlemen.

Kill Tony. We have another guest on his way. He's going to be joining us as soon as he gets here. Yo, what's up? Kiel Tony! Kiel Tony! We have another guest on his way. He's going to be joining us as soon as he gets here. I am excited. Byron, you've done the show a bunch of times. You're one of my funniest friends in the world. Life is good. Always happy.

I'm jealous that you're taller than me right now. Is that true? I got a short torso. You do, don't you? Yeah, when I sit down, everybody gets taller than me. Whoa, and you're taller than me when we stand up. Yeah. Look at you with your little baby torso.

I know. That's amazing. I never would have known that. Bunch of small organs inside. My goodness. And you know, on most shows, there's like, on talk shows, there's different sized chairs. So if you ever get on like Conan or something like that, you're going to be peeking over the desk. I know, it's going to be horrible.

Little baby torso bowers. You know, we have a band. This feels quiet now. Feels a little touchy quiet. We have a band on this show. Who loves bands and crazy shit, huh? I know I do. We have one of the greatest bands in the world. You know them. You love them.

It's Reagan, Watkins, Joel Jimenez, the Kill Tony band. Regan and Watkins featuring Joel Jimenez. Or as many people call him, Joelbert. Oh shit, it's Joelbert! Joelbert!

Joelbert! Holy shit! Oh yeah! This is a very special Wrestlemania edition. holy shit oh yeah this is a very special Wrestlemania edition we have we have out of shape Hulk Hogan

Joel Berg and the macho homeless man Randy Savage this is incredible they always come out in a different thing based on news that week. I'm guessing this is an homage to

WrestleMania. Snap into a Slim Jim! Wow, he actually threw an actual Slim Jim. Or a Skid Row. You know what I mean? One of the two. Hulk Hogan is in the house it seems ladies and gentlemen how's everybody doing

have you guys shopped in Renne Center lately the deals are unbelievable I think it's going to be a great show tonight I'm not so sure about our first guest over here but it's going to be great oh that's right Hulk Hogan's racist I almost forgot I see what you did there

Byron uh what are your thoughts on uh Hulk Hogan man uh he's the Michael Jordan of wrestling so uh just ask Jordan he could be right I think Jordan killed more people than Hulk Hogan he could be racist am Am I right, Hulk? Yeah, brother. I love it. He lures you in with the brother, but then at the end of the day when he go home, he say nigger a lot. He rips his shirt off in the mirror like, nigger! But that's why he win matches, you know what I mean?

That's right. He's the Paula Deen of the World Wrestling Federation. That leg isn't the only thing he drops. The N-word is what I was talking about. Joelberg appears to be here for the first time ever, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to see. Everybody knows that's the drummer Joel Jimenez on a hot streak always. Every time he steps into the mic, for some reason, it seems like he hits an absolute grand slam.

So keep an eye on that as the show progresses. Let's just jump into it, shall we? Let's start the show. Our second guest is going to come in and join us whenever that happens. Y'all much quieter than the last time I was here. What's up? Yeah, you guys ready to have a crazy fucking time or what? This is the actual start of the actual show now.

There's a lot of moving parts. They slide into position. I know some people, when they get here, think that you're here for the first time, that Pat playing the guitar when you first get in is the start of the podcast, but it's not. This is it. This is the, everything is in position. Kill Tony

is ready to begin. I have a bucket full of a bunch of names that, human beings that signed up. Maybe it's one of the new comedians of the world. Maybe it's just crazy someone that signs up on random lists on Sunset Boulevard for anything. You never know what it's going to be, but you do know this, that 60 seconds

is your time. You know that's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. There you go. Very good. Okie dokie. Oh, macho man.

One of my old favorites. I can't tell exactly what's off about the Macho Man, though. There is something. It's the hair kind of goes into the beard like a ball or something like that. Macho Man's here, and I got one thing to do. Kick it up to the next level. Yeah. It's an all the next level. Yeah. That's an

alright macho man. Fuck yeah. I like it. You look like Captain Caveman. Remember that guy? Some of y'all might be too young for that, but that's what he looked like. Uh oh, Hulk Hogan has something on his mind. How long are you going to have your hand in that bucket?

I was thinking the same thing. Me too. Me too. You know what's interesting? I hear it and it's just like I'm like this is such an old school thing. All this technology you know. It's true. People die like this. Like which one of you motherfuckers

I really want to, I've wanted a rollerball system for a while. Like a little like one of the, or even one of those like ball things but we don't have the technology for it. Put your hands together for the first name that I pulled out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. How about, wow

you are a disruption. That's terrible. Put your hands together for Portia Bartholomew. Goddamn. Hey, guys. Hey. Oh, man. All right. Well, I don't mean to start my set off by bragging,

but I gave a guy his first threesome the other day. The only issue was he didn't like my other personality. My other personality was Colorado Carl. Did not like it. Wasn't about it. I got knocked unconscious for the first time the other day. And when I came to, the fellow I was with was like, oh, my gosh, how many fingers? And I was like, that's a really inappropriate question.

But, like, two and a half, three, a whole fist. I experimented a lot in community college. Experimented a lot. I just recently moved here, and it's beautiful. I was like walking on the beach the other day, and I saw a mermaid, or at least I thought I saw a mermaid. Turns out it was just a dead girl. Your dead girls are so pretty here. Portia Bartholome, everybody. Awesome. Welcome to the show. Interesting name, Portia Bartholome.

Is that real or is that a stage name? That is real. I would not choose that as a stage name. Do you know how difficult that is for people to say? That is really long. Really long answer to is it a stage name. Yeah. Portia Bartholomew. Yeah.

She reminds me of your daughter. Oh wow. Whoa. Hands off macho man. That's awesome. So how long have you been out here, Portia? Like five months now. Yeah.

Okay. From where? From Texas. Dallas. Oh, okay. And what do you do for a living? The boat. Are you that kind of Portia?

No. I'm a nanny in Beverly Hills. Oh, very cool. During the morning. Even hotter. Why are you standing like a cheerleader right now? It's fucking me up. Is it?

I just... I'm a nanny in Beverly Hills I wasn't saying that cheerful that's not something what kind of kids are you nannying two five year olds white ones they're twin boys

oh they can be difficult macho man knows macho man knows What are some of the things that the twins Twins do are they difficult Oh yeah they're little monsters Give us an example I don't know if it's a boy thing

But they can't use the restroom Without like peeing everywhere Oh so they're brothers. Wait, what kind of brothers did you mean there? You know, I'm just into the word brothers in general. Pee everywhere. Yeah, yeah. Or they just they can't be told no, you know and that that's a monster to you

yeah people that don't know the word no my nephew stabbed somebody with scissors and you got a problem with kids peeing what kind of nanny are you i was a boy so you should teach him how to pee really uh well that's actually the parents actually were like you need to teach them how to pee, really. Well, that's actually the parents actually were like, you need to teach them this. And I'm like, what? No, you bring them in there. You pee. Get up. Tell them to do it. Yep.

Touch those boys to pee sitting down. Yep. My baby said to fuck me. Are you that type of nanny? No. No, I'm not. Wait a second. Was this threesome that you had with two twin boys?

It's getting hot in here. Oh, yeah. Is that Macho Man or Kool-Aid Man? I don't... Kool-Aid Man was a wrestler where I'm from. It's on you. Portia, you're so cool. You don't seem like a Texas girl

to me though you seem like a farther north or something what did your parents do for work what were they like my mom is a dental hygienist and my dad is in gas and oil he owns his own company in Texas wow he owns his own gas and oil

company why are you working he has a Porsche also? Oh, because I don't have a relationship with him. Because I'm broken. That was a chilly. You see how she delivered that? I don't have a relationship. Yeah, I have to like veil my brokenness with like happiness.

Don't we all? Yep. Yeah, that's the whole thing where do you think your relationship with your dad went wrong oh god who knows you do you know

alright have you ever been a professional wrestling fan oh yeah actually yes okay wow Have you ever been a professional wrestling fan? Oh, yeah. Actually, yes. Okay. Yeah. Wow. If you've ever wondered what it feels like to go to a UCB class, it was like that, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love professional wrestling. No, no, no. These guys? Oh, what's next? I don't actually like to watch the wrestling part, but if you watch the 80s promos, those where they're clearly on coke,

those are fun. Yeah. This girl sounds like she needs to be choked out, brother. Whoa. Portia, you have any fun hobbies or anything like that? What do you do for fun? Fun hobbies? Other than stand-up comedy.

What are you into? uh i don't know fucking like uh uh like psychic shit like walking across the street i'm yeah something like that are you into walking across the street yeah that's like my hobby you just say yeah to everything someone tell you to do that like always you're in hollywood now just always say yes no matter what the question is. No, it was clearly sarcasm. Yes, and? What are some of your hobbies or things that you're into

that make you special other than stand-up comedy? Other than... Jesus. She's a vacant vessel, brother. I agree, Hulk. No, come on. Give us something agree, Hulk. No. Come on. Give us something,

Portia. Something about you that's like, what do you, what do you, okay, well, I,

I'm a theater major. I did that for my whole life, basically. So like, what do you do to entertain yourself like for fun?

Let's say like, I mean, what do you, do you watch movies or TV or something or anything at all? Yeah, I mean,

I watch garbage TV. That's fun. Oh, no. What's garbage TV? Just like horrible reality TV shows that I know are terrible. Are you single? Yeah. Brian, you are gross.

I see what you did there. I'm trying to figure something out. Nanny's a freak too. Found that out. Not you yourself, but everybody that works like you. What's your favorite thing that you've done in Los Angeles since being here? Like your favorite. My favorite thing?

Probably Jesus. I mean, ugh. Jesus is a good life. Yeah. I just, uh. Okay, my favorite thing is the other nanny that I met. She's a psycho. She believes in.

What do you think she says about you? I mean, I love her, but she's weird, and she's one of my favorite things. She's a spender. Her opening line... Oh, yeah. Yeah! Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah Watkins.

What's so weird about this other nanny before we let you go, Portia? She believes she can talk to dead people that was like her opening line so when you're like okay go ahead talk to dead people what did she say or did you not ask her to do that I didn't

she's like I talked to dead people and you're like okay who gives a fuck where's the diapers or something like that I just didn't ask for more information she started then talking about crystals and I was like, oh, okay. Crystals. I got you. Portia, I'm going to be

honest with you. I think one day you could be one of the top rising young comedians in the world. Tony. Look how quiet it is. Wait, Joel Jimenez. Who's next Here's the thing to me

You bought a book so when you say you study Theater you know that makes sense Cause your jokes are like By the book it's like I know when it's coming Like you know what I mean So if you're gonna like even like with the threesome joke If you're gonna do this other guy Carl Just straight up go on and do Carl.

Do the transition between that dude fucking you and fucking Carl and what went through his mind when you turned into Carl. You painted a nice picture, but go deeper into it. That make sense? Yeah, for sure. Try to counteract your theater degree by taking chances on stage at like open mics and places like that. You know what I mean? Instead, you know, like crowd work or anything is going to help you because, you know,

you've got to get that improv muscle up instead of your planned retort thing. When I asked you if there's anything interesting about your hobbies. Well, I mean, I do improv. I've been doing improv for seven years. That's not going to help you. I'm not talking about doing improv. She even goes to Improvised Parenthood.

Wow. Portia Bartholomew, everybody. There she goes. Thanks, guys. A few months in. A few months in. Hulk Hogan is... Hey, you got to keep that.

Write that down. 24-inch pie box. This motherfucker is a beast. Improvised parenthood? Shit. Watkins with the body sling. Can you imagine what those doctors would say? I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Phil Kemp. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah So I play a harmonica Yeah

Bet you didn't know that Playing a harmonica requires a lot of sucking and blowing. Yeah, I know what you ladies are thinking. You know, I have keys of harmonicas, A through G. Let me show you all my D. Hold on, it's down there somewhere. Fuck, oh, it's so tiny. Oh yes, I got this little dick

It's so hard to use I ask women for dates And they always refuse I guess you could say I got the little dick blues Hey bro you wouldn't know Cause you got a darker skin tone What it's like to have the little dick blues

Alright, cool. There you go, Phil Kemp. Tony, guys, give it up for Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Joelberg, Joelberg, Joelberg for Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Joel Burke. Joel Burke. Joel Burke. Joel Burke. Holy shit.

Alright, Jeremiah. Always holding on a little longer than everybody else. So you just made all that up pretty much, right? On stage, you just... Half of it. Because you only said, I got the Lil Dick blues maybe a hundred times, and then you had one thing else you said. That's actually the worst track on my album, really. That's...

Oh, you got an album? Yeah, I have an album. It's on SoundCloud. How many songs are on it? There's 17 17 tracks on it Go to soundcloud.com slash philkemp I gotta blast myself I'm sorry about that

You do that too right? No So Phil Louder next time We need it louder in here Have you been on this show before? So, Phil. Louder next time, Redman. Louder. We need it louder in here. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, I've been on this show before.

What happened last time? You let me play one of my songs, and the crowd went crazy. Yeah. How did this happen? Unlike this time. Very true. That's why I didn't recognize you. Last time you played a song and killed. Habits.

What did we find out about you last time? What do you do for work? Lift driver or something? You know, last time when I was on here, you asked me what I did for work, and then I got fired the next day. From answering that? No, no, for an autoerotic asphyxiation-related work incident.

What was the job that you were working? I was working as a fucking cam girl. Technically a cam girl with a banjo, playing it like eight hours a day. You were? That's what my old job was when I was on your list. So was your pussy. my old job was when I was on your list.

That's my boy, Patty Reagan. So you're saying you would film yourself playing music. And I'd get paid to do it. Like 15 an hour to do that shit. And then they got all mad when I took my shirt off, put my belt around my neck, and started

singing I Touch Myself by The Vinyls and Schmigel from Lord of the Rings while making a jerking off motion. And so they fired me. This motherfucker's doing two sets. I'd love to see this brother's character reel. Why'd you bring the banjo? Because I have songs, too. Phil, you're an interesting guy

You just plug and plug And talk about stuff You're saying everything And you're showing nothing He also tap dances Fine you want me to play one No That's not how it works

No no I'm taking the bait on this one When made you stop hanging yourself In the video That's not how it works. No, no. I'm taking the bait on this one. When may I just stop hanging yourself in the video? I think if that would have kept going, you would be platinum right now. I know, right? That's why they fired you. Do you do stand-up comedy? Yeah.

How often? Like at least three to four times a you. Do you do stand-up comedy? Yeah. How often? Like at least three to four times a week. So how do you survive? How do you make money? Do you really want to know what I do? Okay. No! Phil, you're terrible. Killing me, dude. Well, I'm sort of in the business of helping people get back

on their feet. Sounds like a wacky setup. So you sell crutches to people. Cool. Actually, I repossess people's cars. That's what I do. Yeah. I repossess cars. Wow, you gave me the crazy eyes when you said that. Yeah.

Mine might be next. If you're feeling low and down after your car gets repossessed, come on over to Rent-A-Center. That's probably how I've been sounding all night, right? No. No, what he says gets a laugh afterwards. You ever repossessed furniture before? Shit, what?

You ever repossessed furniture before? No, man. I used to sell cars to people. Now I just steal them from people. It's cool. Whatever. Anything interesting ever happen when you're trying to repossess a car? Anybody ever go crazy on you?

Yeah, yeah. Not really, actually. Alright. Well, there you go. Phil Kemp, everybody. We're going to move on. We're going to move on from Phil. It was so much gold probably there. He's on Twitter at Filthy Phil Kemp. It was probably so much gold there that he didn't know.

Can we get some more interesting comics to the stage, please? I mean, Jesus Christ. Oh, thanks, Brian. Thanks for your always positive input. I couldn't tell you weren't having fun by your heavy, gaspy, dramatic breathing to my left continuously every ten seconds. It's fucking chill. Everything's a bucket. We can't.

This isn't a wacky bucket where it's like, we'll move the good to the top. Look, we did. It just got a lot worse, by the way. It's one of the worst comedians that's ever been on this show. Put your hands together for GT, everybody. Oh! Oh! Hopefully he's not here.

Can we get that lucky? Do you see him back there? Oh, shit. Here he comes. GT! Whoa, what's up? Why do comedians adopt dogs? Just don't get that shit. You know what I mean? These fools are never home. You know what I mean?

They're in and out of open mics. They're in and out of cafes. They're in and out of backyards. They're in and out of roast battles. Networking, trying to make it. While their dog is home alone, horny, and naked. While their homosexual dog is home alone, horny, and naked. While the homosexual dog is home alone, horny, and naked.

Wiping his dirty ass all over the carpet. And then when you come home, he's willing to fuck you in the ass. And then you're out every single night. Ross battles. Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle! And then you're out every single night. Ross battles. Battle, battle, battle, battle. Battle, battle. Shut up.

Shut up. Battle, battle, battle. There you go. Battle, battle. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. There you go. Just turns into a... Battle! Battle! GT. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Stop, GT. Wow. First of all, it got a lot worse. See what happens? We have to look at this with positive energies. You have to smile and say yes, Brian. You have to put good energies out there. No one wants to hear you breathe.

GT is Hulk Hogan's favorite comedian. I love it. GT, you are like if a crazy Armenian guy got cast as a new Home Alone cast member. You are out of control. At some point you just switched over to animal noises there towards the end when everything else wasn't working. You tailored your material to what it seems to be for comedians that are currently somewhere in the middle of the grind. It's very tailored to comedians. Because I'm always performing in front of comedians.

And how do they normally relate? Most of the folks here aren't comedians. So I was like, look at them. They don't relate. GT, at them. They don't relate. GT, over here. They can't relate. GT, can you hear me? It's this.

Anytime you hear that voice that sounds like this, it's me right here. That means I'm talking to you. It's a whole thing. It's a real live show. I lost you there for a second. You just kept explaining that one thing. Go ahead. Yeah.

Thank you. So, GT, how does the audience of comedians that you normally perform in front of respond to your normal non-comedian about tailored-to-them jokes? Oh, that bit goes worse a lot of times. That's a bit? So you're working that out. You're now working out bits just to perform in front of comedians. No, no. Just that one. Just that one.

Just that one. I designed it for you. How many times do you think you... Let's see what Joel Jimenez has to say. I just want to know, when are you opening up for a system of a down syndrome? Oh, you son of a bitch. Good job.

Wordplay, brother. Why you don't perform like you're talking now? What's up with all the... Yeah, it seems like you'd be so much more like... No, no, I do perform. No, I do say... I do more like storytelling comedy than what I was just doing. I just...

I like the sound effects. That's why I was doing that, so I could relate to the sound effects and talk, you know, make bird noises or talk dog noises, because I like... Hey, TG, over here. Okay, go ahead, Pat. What did you do today? Yeah, in a calm voice. Okay, I see, Pat. What did you do today?

Yeah, in a calm voice. Okay, I see what he's doing. What did you do today? What would the real GT, without trying to be funny, what did you do today in your real life? Did you snap into a Slim Jim? It was all just set up for that. Go ahead, GT, please.

I was working out of my house. I have a website. I have a couple of businesses I run. I have a website called WebTentSale.com. WebTentSale? Yeah, WebTentSale.com. What do you sell on there? I sell party tents online.

Does that really work? Yeah, I sell them all across the United States. Is that true? You sell them one time only or you rent them out? No, I just sell them. How did you get into the tent selling business? One day I was like, I had to move out of my place and I needed a tent in the back. Good.

And then I was looking for a tent. I couldn't find one. I'm all like, hey, why don't I start staying in tents as well? So you started sleeping in a tent first. No, no, no. I wasn't sleeping in a tent. I had to put a lot of my stuff in there because I was like moving from my upstairs apartment to the downstairs apartment, which was cut in half.

So you got a tent to put your stuff in. Yeah. So instead of taking it from upstairs to downstairs, you just take it outside for a little bit, put it in a tent, and then bring it to the downstairs apartment. Yeah, which is half what it used to be. You should talk about that. Well, you know, I talk about a lot of things. I talk about my girlfriend, you know, how she called me up and stuff like that. That tent shit was interesting, wasn't it?

That girlfriend was... Nobody wants to hear about that. Oh, come on. GT, what else did you do today? What do you think is something that makes you... What's something that you do that you think is a little bit weird? Because you just did animal noises in public senselessly. What's something that you think is weird

that you do? Weird? Doing a lot of open mics. Okay, next one. you know senselessly so like what's something that you think is weird that you do weird um when you're like doing a lot of open mics okay next one i think comedy's killing you by the way gt how long have you been doing it now comedy i've been doing it for since 2008 actually 2008 i remember you know why i remember because i was hosting here a lot. Yeah, you still always trash me. Yeah. I don't know what was the deal with that. I don't know. I don't know.

Whoa, we've got a rivalry, brother. You still always talk crap. I don't know why. You still always bring me up under negative light. Yeah, you still always bring me up under negative light. Just like tonight? You would bomb. And then this is my point.

Really? Is that true? I mean, GT, you know it's true. I mean, now eight years later, you're tailoring jokes for the people in the room, and they didn't like it. It's like a whole thing, right? Are we being honest here? That's funny to me. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with the rest of y'all. GT, specifically, can you remember any way he brought you up?

Honestly, I don't bomb. brought you up honestly I don't bomb a lot of times I don't bomb I love that you finally made the comedians that watch you all the time laugh by saying that you don't bomb you finally got them round up

alright we're gonna keep flying through people. There goes GT, everybody. There he goes, GT. That's it, GT. There you go. Oh, wow. Loaded up there for a second. Did you guys see that? Shit.

He's got something brewing. This is a wacky bucket tonight. Yeah, that's a very interesting guess. What the fuck? Wacky bucket? Yeah. I pulled another name out of the bucket. How about Lindsey Jennings?

Yeah. Make me stronger. Yeah. Oh, no. She's not here. Macho man, what were you going to say there? Put your hands together for Miranda Lenski, everybody. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hey. Hello. My boyfriend and I are currently doing long distance, so I'm single. Thanks. My mom still doesn't believe I have a boyfriend. She's like, Marina, I think you're getting catfished. I'm like, Mom, you've met him twice okay uh we sexed a lot last night we were sexting and uh we were getting into like the goods you know like the juicy the verbal penetration if you will and I was like oh yeah baby you like that

well just don't forget to slip a condom on and he was like why would you ruin the moon why would you ruin everything don't bring up condoms when we sex and I was like why would you ruin the moon why would you ruin everything don't bring up condoms when we sex and i was like excuse me for being worried about safe sexting um and excuse me you said you wanted it like i was there in the room with you you said you wanted it realistic i'm just doing what you okay fine i won't bring up condoms when we sexed anymore just don't forget to put a towel down you know I'm on my period this week. Thanks, guys. Fuck yeah, Miranda Lenski.

There you go, Jeremiah Watkins playing a song. Miranda, so that's awesome. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes. Okay, great. How long have you been on stand-up? A year. Very fun. Where are you from? Florida.

All one-word answers. You're a fun one. I like Florida because they're like-minded like your brother over here. Do you really have a long-distance relationship right now? So you Skype sex and all that shit? Uh-huh. Do you really like condoms? Do you make your guys wear condoms? No.

Whoa, this girl's slutty and the Hulkster likes that. This bitch got Zika virus. How long you been dating this guy? Eight months. Where's he at? Florida. He's still in Florida and you moved out here? Yes. And what do you do for work? I'm

unemployed right now. What's the last job you've had? I was working as a receptionist in Florida. I've been out here for a month, so I'm still on the job hunt. Did you move here for just comedy? Yeah. A month ago. Yes. Wow. So the relationship wasn't that strong, right? Because you

broke up with him. No. Welcome to Brian's live dating website called Kill Tony Live. Jesus. Next up, Red Band asks, what does your butthole look like? Yeah. Florida.

Looking like a motherfucking panhandle. Oh, yeah. Brother. Ah, okay, go ahead. Ha, ha. Miranda. That's fun. He's finishing school.

You're so upset about it. He's studying editing, writing, and media. I thought he was studying going Monday night raw dog. That's a wrestling pun for you idiots out there. Wow. Hogan turning heel. Miranda, that's fun. So you've been living here a month.

Wow. What's your living situation? You all alone? You find a creepy roommate? I live with four boys. Welcome to Los Angeles. It's show business. You in the living room?

No. I have the master suite. Thank you. I don't fuck around. I didn't realize you were running a plantation. She's from Florida. I'm in the master's quarters the fuck what are those other

are they all comedians too yes wow so they're like telling you where all the open mics are and where they like to be touched on the doll are they black

I told them but yeah they're black no okay you safe I was gonna say it's not safe? I was going to say. It's not a plantation.

I just wanted to make sure. It's not Candy Land over there. Niggas fighting in the living room and shit. Is this your first time having that many roommates? Yes. Well, what's that like? I mean, is there anything that you've noticed in your past month living with these guys that you don't like? Anything stand out to you specifically? I mean, is there anything that you've noticed in your past month living with these guys that you don't like? Anything stand out to you specifically?

I really like it. I love having all this sex all the time. No, they're really good friends. I know them from college, and we all did stand-up and sketch and improv together. Oh, that's awesome. It's awesome to have you. What college? Florida State.

Oh, shit, you was raped. No, but I tried to be. I'm a Georgia boy, so I know Florida State. Recruiting well, you know. That's between us. Well, what do you think you're going to end up doing for work, Miranda? Serving. I had an interview today for a serving position.

Where at? Central Grill. Central Grill Central Grill it's new Central Grill it used to be Shakers Shakers that's one of my roommates so you're going to end up waiting tables have you done that before yes

where'd you do that in Florida at a place called Primetime oh you're familiar Yes. Where'd you do that? In Florida? At a place called Primetime. Oh. And? Sports Bar. You're familiar. That's a good wrestling reference. Well, Miranda, what's something interesting about you that would surprise us? Bye.

I'm just kidding. The pacing of this podcast is driving the whole crazy. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Yeah. Look at that. He is built like Jim Carrey in drag. I never realized that Hulk Hogan

was so easily moved by podcast pacing. Wow, the pacing here is ridiculous. The holster's not going to handle this disrespect. I'm out of here. Wait, he takes off his shirt and then walks outside? What? Oh, wow. He's going to get pneumonia.

Oh, yeah. Okay. You got the Zika virus? Be honest. No. How you know? I don't know. I could.

All right, Miranda. Well, I mean. Man, this is exciting right here. It is. I'm having fun. I mean, Hulk Hogan just dissed the show, ripped off his shirt off and left. Brian's still literally doing this.

You need to meditate or something, dude. This breathing thing is driving me fucking insane. You've never really done it this hard before, bud. What's your butthole look like? Were you kidding? There you go. That's hilarious. There you go. You set it up. There you go. Please. Yes.

Were you killing in Florida before you left? Uh-huh. Her nickname was the ultimate bore-ier. Yeah, I'm still here, you fuck. Job. Job. Job. There she goes.

Miranda Lenski, ladies and gentlemen. She's on Twitter at Miranda Lenski. Man, where is our second guest? Oh, yeah. This is one of those wacky nights, everybody. Y'all still here?

Everybody? Woo! I pulled another name out of the bucket. Getting 60 seconds uninterrupted is Connor Bauman. Yeah! Yeah! Hey, guys.

I've never understood. I just turned 21 a few weeks ago, and I've never understood why people say that my generation is the best generation to grow up in. Because anyone who's ever had a Google image, a picture of a dick to send to a girl before, knows that it's really difficult, because you've got to go to page four,

and you've got to find one that matches your body size and type, and, you know, you can't go too big, because, oh, shit. I'm sorry. that matches your body size and type. You know, you can't go too big because... Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Fuck! My girlfriend's laughing her ass off at me right now. Shout out.

No, I don't got this at all. Even Ryan's laughing at me. He's going gonna draw my tiny dick on the poster you still have like 5 more seconds 3, 2, 1 if you want to say that you're done then you can say that you're done alright there you go. First of all, let's go through it beat by beat, but let's go reverse.

There's no way Ryan J. could know just from you standing there that you have a tiny dick. You really gave that one up, Connor. But on a good note, I mean, this was what, your first time doing stand-up? Yes. Well, there you go. Give him a round of applause for that, everybody. Yeah. Give him a round of applause for that, everybody.

And what you ended up finding out was you got two of the biggest laughs that a lot of the comedians have gotten up there tonight just by acknowledging something real in the room and what you felt, which was you fucked up. I fucked up. How long have you been preparing for this minute?

A couple months. Oh, shit. How long have you been preparing for this minute? A couple months. Oh, shit. You know what? I have notebooks and notebooks and notebooks, but I'm shaking. It's like fucking for the first time. You prepare for years, but as soon as you get in there, you're like, what the fuck? See, but no, but for me, it was the opposite. No, because I went to a No, because I didn't...

I went to a small school. I didn't get any pussy until way after high school. So the first time, I was so excited. It went great. So break it down. What were you trying to say to us? What was the joke? No, I don't even want to know.

Let's get back into... How did it possibly go good? What do you mean it went good the first time you had sex? It went fucking great. How do we know that you don't know what great is? What's great to you? I'm just curious. What do you mean?

What happened that made it so great? Describe it a little bit. She came. Did she? Did she? Did she, Connor? What are you pointing at? Did she? Did she, Connor? What are you pointing at?

Is she here? What are you pointing at? A real human being? No, Miss Lady. He made you cum the first time he had sex? You want to bring her up? Bring her up here. Katie! Oh, don't come up.

Do not come up here. Listen to the sound of both of the... The mixture of... Don't come up here. Listen to the sound of both of the mixture of gasps. There was a 50-50 gasps and cheers at the same time. All the women like, no. And the guys like, yes.

Alright, stand next to him. Wait, did you just hand him his fanny pack? Holy shit. You were holding on to that when he came up here? You know what? She did come her come. She did come. Yeah.

It didn't want me to hold a man's fanny pack. Holy shit. It's the cunnilingus, man. Congratulations. Thank you. That is incredible. Was he your first? Oh.

Wait a second. You mean to tell me you were holding some other guy's fanny pack for him That's a good thing though If you already experienced it He made you come then you liked him Here's how good it is I'm 21 and she's 30 Okay wait a second I have a question for her

Hold on That just means she was molested That's all don't worry about it That's what makes the freaks Forget it This got weird quick I like it How long have you two been together?

A year and a half Where are you guys from? Oregon Detroit The Oregon of the east Midwest You're from Columbus you should know half. Where are you guys from? Oregon. Detroit. Detroit. That's right. The Oregon of the East. Midwest. Sure. You're from Columbus, you should know.

I'm not really. Youngstown, sorry. Okay. Anyway. Are you... Oh, wow. Oh, wait. What the... Oh, shit! Oh, no! Oh, yeah, brother! Yeah! Oh, shit! Oh, no! Oh, yeah, brother! Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Wow! Oh, shit! NWO Hulk Hogan just invaded the show. A true NWO invasion. Everybody knows Hogan went from the yellow and red, a good guy, to being a bad guy that wore a black t-shirt and a black bandana in WCW

and it changed the shape of wrestling forever. And he is back! Heel Hulk Hogan! Bad guy Hulk Hogan! This is the most racist version of Hulk Hogan. Not only does he wear black, he fears black. Am I right, Hulk?

Yeah, you retard. Oh, that's it? I thought you were going to do... We'll get to the black one later, brother. All right, brother. You don't want none of this. You saw what I did to your daughter, brother. You don't want none of this. You saw what I did to your daughter, brother. You saw what I did to your ex-wife, brother.

This is the part, Connor, where if you're going to propose to her, now's the time. We pulled a ring out the fanny pack. I'm pretty sure anybody that's ever pulled a ring out of a fanny pack got turned down. Holy shit. Wait, is this actually happening? We are leaving for Vegas in a few days. That's how you get free drinks. Oh, okay.

Wow, that's... Shit. Hey, he scared me. Was anybody else scared? I got nervous. I ain't gonna even front. I got nervous. By the way, hold on a second.

Shit. I'm evil and that's plain disgusting. Yeah, that is by far the absolute shadiest shit I've ever heard of in my entire life. You guys really do that? How often have you done that? Never. Really? It was just in there.

It was a joke. That was from a party. You just randomly carry around a ring with you? That was in there, and I knew it was in there. When he took the fanny pack, it was in there. Yeah. Doing that Walking Dead thing that he went to. The last person who wore it, they gave the ring back.

What do you do for work, Connor? I work in a metal shop. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You got the macho man going crazy over there. Wow. That's fun. Where'd you two meet at?

At the restaurant we worked at. Ooh, what was that? The Outback? Buffalo Wild Wings. My favorite restaurant is Soup Plantation. Oh, shit. Broccoli Cheddar. Alright, we're gonna let you guys go.

Connor, what else is something? I mean, I'm just surprised that you were able to... I mean, look at her. She's trying to get away. There she goes, everybody. She got to finish making that sweater, you know what I mean? Yeah. So it can look like mine.

Catch her soon on the new season of the remake of the new Roseanne Bar show. I mean, not as Roseanne as like one of the daughters or something. If you were a monster truck, your name would be Gravedigger. Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! monster truck, your name would be Gravedigger.

Hulk Hogan. NWO Hulk Hogan. Absolutely. Just like he did when coming back into the NWO. He's absolutely killing it right now. Alright. Well, Connor, I mean, is this something that, like, were you just trying to do this, like, as an experiment? Like, you know, or is this something that you're interested in doing?

It's something I'm interested in doing, but where I'm from, there are not a lot of open mics, and I listen to the show all the time, so I just got nervous coming up here. Of course. I would be, too, to come on my own show. So that's interesting, though. A metal shop I mean what else are you into

other than podcasts I play music oh you do what instrument do you play guitar drums and banjo oh you play a banjo yeah oh holy shit

unlike the last guy I really don't get it alright Connor you know if you're walking down a dark street and you hear the sound of a banjo, you're about to get raped. Or you're playing a banjo. Yeah.

There he goes. Connor Bauman, everybody. Thank you. Connor underscore Bauman. Congratulations. You know what's crazy? You scare him more than Detroit. And that's fascinating to me.

Oh, wow. I never thought of it that way. A minute on your stage was more scary than Detroit. You know what I mean? Working at a metal shop in Detroit. Were you saying she looked like Darlene? Is that what you're trying to get at? Yeah, I was trying to get at that.

And it was more about what she was wearing, not her actual thing. It was sort of like get at? Yeah, I was trying to, it was like, and it was more about what she was wearing, not her actual thing. It was sort of like a, you know, I don't know. I was just laughing at the way your mind was working as you were saying that. But I did sort of mean the daughter thing, but it did come across as me trying to fix it, and that was okay.

Oh, Jesus, this fucking guy. Is Eddie Whitehead Jr. here? Perfect. Let's not make Is Eddie Whitehead Jr. here? No. Perfect. Let's not make a big deal about it. Oh, shit. I didn't want to see that. This looks like a new name. How about Haley Goldstein? Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Back to the bucket we go. How about Rob Smallwood? What are these names? Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I'm working on being a good person. I desperately want to be a good person. I desperately want to be a good person. I'm trying to be a good person so much that I'm starting to take on things that I'll actually believe in. I support things like a dad with a gay son.

He says he loves him, but it's definitely not the same. I'm pro-choice. I'm pro-choice for the right choice, though. I'm not against kids. I'm just strongly against them being mine. right choice though. I'm not against kids. I'm just strongly against them being mine. One of the worst things I've ever had to go through was an unplanned pregnancy. Don't get me wrong. I completely planned on coming. Just didn't want to be reminded about it. Anyway, the girl, she, this woman, this girl, this bitch, she decided to keep the kid.

She decided to keep the kid. Unfortunately, three months later, she had a miscarriage. And if anybody in here wants to know what it's like to win the lotto, I just want to be a good person, man. I'm Rob Smallwood. Rob motherfucking Smallwood. Good job.

Let's go on, Pippin. The handshake just went down between Rob Smallwood and Byron Bowers. For those of you that missed it, it happened as the music played him off. It was a Masonic handshake. It was like Watch the Throne or something like that. How long have you been performing? Five years. Yeah, you're a little seasoned more than compared to everybody else. You came up. Yeah, you're a little seasoned. Thank you.

More than compared to everybody else. You came up. You went right into it. Thanks. Thank you. But I knew you was, when I saw you walk up, I knew you'd done this a lot. Yeah? Yeah.

Good. I got the walk down. All right. No, the jokes and shit was good. You know that, though. Yeah, the jokes. But the walk is the most important, especially for a black guy. You got to have the walk down.

I agree with you. I, as a black man, put a lot of... I mean, if you ever get a chance to see me walk, you know. Yeah. Tony, can I say I just loved everything about this comedian except his skin color. Fuck you, Jeremiah. Fuck you. New world order.

Oh, my God. So crazy that white people can still do this shit, right? Fuck. It is, you guys. For now, we'll be back. That's cool. You've been doing it five years? Five years.

Wait, Joel Jimenez. I'm just glad he wasn't a Dudley. Devon. I don't know. The five people that do it are dying right now, by the way. Hold on, let's have a black meeting.

You know what the fuck he's doing? I have no idea. He nailed a reference. You do sort of look like D-Von Dudley. If you Googled it, you would sort of see it. A little bit, maybe, hopefully. I'm not going to waste...

Was the miscarriage shit real? Yes, that's real.riage shit real? Yes. Congratulations, man. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Trust me. You got favor, boy. The Lord bless you. I prayed for it, though. So that was like...

Sometimes it works. Yeah, everything's on me now. Anything that happens from here on out is all on me. How far along was she? It was two months. Two, two or three months. What have you been like seven? I would have died laughing. She's actually calling in right now.

Fuck. Hello? It was. It was. Macho man tried to take the call. That guy a freak. He'll fuck anything. You don't get a Slim Jim sponsorship bullshit.

Where you from? Baltimore. Baltimore. Baltimore. We've had this conversation before. How long have you been out here? Five months. And what do you do for work?

I just lost my job. What were you doing? I was working at Sony. Wow. What were you doing at Sony? That's lost my job. Oh, what were you doing? I was working at Sony. Wow. What were you doing at Sony? That's such a broad. I was working in home entertainment. I was a project manager slash artist.

So. Huh. So like what were you working on specifically? Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean by slash artist? Was you rapping on the shit yourself? No, no, no. Check this shit out.

Motherfucking white people always. So I design the DVDs that nobody fucking buys, which is why I don't have a job anymore. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah. So stop stealing shit. That's coming from a black guy. I think you came up.

Huh? You got the job designing DVDs. Yeah. In 2017, you won. You won. All this Netflix and shit out here, you convinced a company like Sony to give you a job? Yeah. You're going to make it.

Thank you. You're going to make it. Did you hide any Easter eggs that no one knows about? No, I didn't get that far into it. I only had the job for, what, four months? And then they fired you. And then they found out. What were you doing before that?

In Baltimore, I was also a designer for broadcast TV for a company named Sinclair. Am I going to get sued for saying this shit? No, it's been seven years. Oh, all right. No, I mean. That's not a trick, man. I don't believe me, motherfucker. Anyway, I was a designer for another place,

for another company in Baltimore. What's your living situation? You live with a bunch of comedians? No, I live by myself in Culver. Wow, by yourself. Holy shit. You made it. Culver City?

Yeah, that's not bad at all. I mean, I'm going to lose it if I don't find a fucking job. For a minute, though. For a minute, though. You was't find a fucking job For a minute though For a minute though you was in there Shit For a minute you know what I mean Fair Fair

That's what I call black logic Hey we gotta get it while we can, homie. Right? You know how it work out here. Used to have it, too. It's true. It's true. Remember when your knees worked? Rob, what's your love life like?

You getting any ladies back to that? Fuck no. It's difficult out here it's very hard especially for if you're dark skinned you got money so you can't have this conversation but i got money how you figure because you know you do comedy you've been here for a while you work at sony i got comedy money look that's a whole nother conversation that is a whole nother conversation but you can't try to fuck chicks in Culver City. That's all. No, you can't. Go to Orange County. You'll be great. All right.

Check out Orange County. What? That was the creepiest nod ever. Orange County. Have you been on a date since living in L.A.? No. Well, that might be your problem, Rob. I mean, I'm doing comedy every night, so I don't have time.

Let's wait until I do something to go out and try to find love. Dirty sucks. You haven't hooked up with a comedian or anything like that? No. What? I should, but. It sounds like there's some chick that's bad. Oh, fuck, yeah.

What? I didn't really, but you know what I realized? What? You got to get them while they're young because they're going to find out they shouldn't fuck comedians as funnier they get and then it's going to be over for you. That's true. This is the second conversation we've had about pussy on stage, by the way. You can start talking about dick if you want.

No, I'm good. The first time I met Tony, he asked me, have I ever fucked a black chick before? You were doing a bit downstairs. I had asked for that. Oh, you don't look like, you don't sound like you fucked black chicks?

Was I on stage? You were on stage and you were crowd work. Where were you? I was in the crowd. You were in the audience? Yes, I was in the audience. That wasn't a conversation, bro.

That was me doing a show. All right. Like I said, it was me. The first time I met Tony, he was all like, hey, you have sex with black women? The fuck do you think that was, bro? There was 300 other people in the fucking room.

It was a joke. I just said it. 180 people. I'm going to let you have it. The first time I met Chappelle on Netflix. I know. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. Joel Berg.

Joel Berg. This is going so well. Did he tell you about the time he met OJ when you met him? That's crazy. That's crazy. Oh, my God. This is going really well. It actually is, Rob. It is going really well It actually is Rob

It is going really well Fuck Do you have any pets? No I don't have any pets Why? Cause I don't have a fucking job What do you mean? You have your own apartment

Right but you don't have a I just got here Oh as soon as you got fired you got rid of the pet? No I'm just saying I just moved here We met a guy a couple weeks ago that got a snake before getting a lawyer for something that he had to go to court for. All right. That's a true thing, by the way. This motherfucker got fired and went to the dog and was like, look, we downsizing.

Sony don't want us So uh You gotta go You'll be alright What's over city Alright What's your favorite category of porn Uh fuck Woo Me too

My favorite Yeah What's your go to I like I like the I like the threesomes The way they do it You know

Two guys and a girl No no no Three Three girls Two girls and a guy Or like a girl on girl The strap on thing really interests me. Yeah.

That whole thing. That's my favorite. You're like transgender category. No, no, no, no. Strap-on. Not like add-on. Strap-on. That's next, though.

That's next. That's the next thing. That is probably. I'm going to click away. I'm going to click away. That's what I'm saying. You can click on it by accident. It don't pop up.

But as long as you focus on the titties and ass, you good. Trust me. Wait, the strap on? Is that what you're talking about? No. If you click on enough strap on, see, he's right. If you click on enough strap on, transgender

pops up. The transsexuals. Yeah, that pops up. After a while, it's like, well, if you like this. Because it's just like watching a guy and a girl have sex, but one looks like a girl. It's way better.

It's way better than watching two girls with a strap on. You were some weird shit. But now I feel like I need to check it out. You're going to like it. You're going to like it.

If you keep watching porn, you're going to go right before animals ever see that version. You're going to see strap on with a slim jim. Oh, yeah. If you keep watching porn, it's going right before animals. Everybody strap on with their Slim Jim. Oh, yeah. Strap into a Slim Jim.

Strap into... This motherfucker beard, man. I don't know what it is. Once again, that's my boy, Patty Crank. Well, that's... The Hulk really should have that beard. know i mean but don't think about don't switch how did that uh how did that conversation that we had the first time we met rob uh well you and we know how it started you were on stage doing a bit and you're doing

crowd work and i just happen to be the only black eye in the crowd because it's you know what did i say to you you said you were doing a bit about like it's a difference... Don't give the whole bit away. I'm not going to do the whole bit. What did I say to you specifically? You literally asked me, you know what it's like

sleeping, the difference between sleeping with a white girl and a black chick, right? And then I fucking copped out like a bitch and you're like, all right, I'm going to move on.

Because you were with the date. No, I was with... You were by yourself? No, there was a girl there. But can we not put my shit Out here man Jesus Tony I don't even know What's going on

I don't even know What just happened Is she an escort You can't talk about No I'm just saying Like what What the fuck No

This is LA You can stay How many roses I guess that's fair Alright I'm new here Just be funny That shit just works out

The lord will bless you again Just like you did Where do you usually Perform Is that what you did? Where do you usually perform, though? You say you do a lot of stand-up around town. So wherever's on Comedy Bureau or Bad Slava, whatever the fuck that is. Bad Slava. Bad Slava. Shout out.

You fucking booking gigs on back pages? Yeah. So wherever I can get up. What else do you do for fun? Fucking. Rock climbing. No. What?

What do you do for fun? Weed. I mean, that's pretty much it. I don't have a life. What do you like to do after smoking weed? What do you like? Get on stage. That's it.

That's literally all I do. I'm not. I'm not. You're going to get in. What about during the day? What do you do during the day? Look for jobs. Wow.

Yeah. Right. I totally forget what having a normal life is like. Good luck with that, man. It's hard right now. It is. You got a California license? Yes. Send a bunch of weed back to Baltimore. That's not a bad idea.

It's Baltimore. They need it. If you could sell DVDs, you could sell weed. You're right. Alright, there he goes. Thank you. What do you learn on this show? How to weed. You're right. Alright. Alright, there he goes. Thank you guys. What do you learn on this show? How to make real money.

There he goes. A brand new drug dealer out in the world. You know what Baltimore needs? Edibles. I was just in Georgia. There's nothing for people that's like 35 to 40 who don't want to smell like weed. Edibles are different, though. They fuck you up in a different way.

They fuck you up, but they're for grown people. You can just have them at work. Fuck that. No, you don't. Because you don't know. You might eat one edible and start tripping. No, you won't trip like that. Yeah, you will.

You can trip. Not in a city like Atlanta. You just act like everybody else. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Charlie Winfrey, everybody. What? Let it out. Hello, everybody.

Good to see everybody. This is what I look like. You know, the world's changed, didn't it? It all happened when Bruce Jenner got tits I think we can all agree on that Now everybody likes trannies, that's great Good things, you know Trannies are like eagles, you know

You used to be able to spit on them and pluck their feathers But not anymore, right? You look at your face, you horrified woman Take it easy, who gives a shit i just don't think that bruce jenner wanted to be a lady his whole life you know that guy was a gold medal athlete i think he just went crazy living in a house full of talentless whores who are getting tons of attention for being alive when you think about it you're just sitting in there going jesus christ i want gold medals what do i have to do to get a fucking picture taken of me in this house?

Do I have to get tits? All right, I'm getting tits. Fuck it, I'm Caitlyn now. Worked like a charm. She healed her lady with her car, killed her, got a show. What a hero. Right? You guys forgot about that she was a murderer.

Everybody was calling her, everybody called her a hero. Not in my book, right? Because she still had her dick and balls. There he is with the new E! News wacky minute. Charlie Winfrey. You know what really messes up my day? You know, Tony, sometimes I think this podcast is misogynistic. Then comics like him come up and totally confirm it. Yeah.

Hell yeah. I guess. I mean, I don't know. Wow. I think what my brother, Macho Man Randy Savage was trying to say is tranny is an insensitive word to the trans community. It's not the forward thing or being progressive at all

and therefore, that is why you receive zero laughter. Oh yeah. I thought he was talking about transmissions the whole time. Yeah. Because that's what we call trannies in the car world. Right? Was he talking about transmissions? I am a mechanic. Do you really

not like trannies or something? No. I don't give a shit what anybody does. You have beef with them? No. Did you quit smoking recently? Yes I did. Wow. How long ago? Today because I found out that the cigarettes went up $2 a pop. Oh, Jesus. That was the thing. That was it.

Trump made you stop smoking, baby. Yeah, piece of shit. Or whatever. But going up $2 more in a couple months. God damn. Yeah, that's just step one. Holy shit. It's over for you motherfuckers. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Charlie, how long have you been on stand-up?

Seven years. Seven years? Yeah. Wow. What do you do for work? I drive Lyft. Huh. You've been on a few times, right?

Just once. Just once? Do you always say, this is what I look like? Yeah. In that one part of that one joke, do you always say, take that horrified look off your face, lady? No. No? She just had her face lit up. Who were you looking at exactly? That gal right there. That one? Did you have aified look off your face, lady. No. No? She just had her face lit up. Who were you looking at exactly?

That gal right there. That one? Did you have a shocked look on your face? Yeah. It was like a spotlight. Oh. I feel like you could just wire that into that part of the joke. Like, take that shocked look off your face, lady.

Like, why do you look so shocked at what I could put? Because, I mean, there's definitely going to be people that aren't laughing. Right. So you could prepare for that. Like, you know what I mean? I could put because I mean there's definitely going to be people that aren't laughing so you could prepare for that like you know what I mean you could write stuff for the audience not laughing like why are you not laughing mister would you do once I have a tranny inside of you or something like that I mean if you're going to go for it if you're going to go for the

if you're going to go down this set of you know tranny tracks then fucking commit to it like a freight train if you will you know what I mean or maybe even take that shock look off you know, tranny tracks, then fucking commit to it like a freight train, if you will. You know what I mean? Or maybe even take that shock look off your face, you tranny. There you go. I'm still trying to adjust what they like in L.A.

Because I moved here from St. Louis. Oh, I had to do that. Oh, I see what you said. I had to do that when I got here from Georgia. Yeah, Hulk Hogan actually does have a good point. You could just literally just say, and if you don't think that's funny, you're a tranny, and then just turn the whole thing into a meltdown.

Oh, now you get what I was saying? Yeah, it took me a while. It really did. Joel Jimenez. I like his beard and the toothpick. I like the toothpick, but what are you, no razor Ramon? You know, wanna show not bad odds.

There's two foghorns. There's two different kinds of foghorns for when it's good or when it's bad. Oh, I like the beard and the toothpick. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, man. Somewhere, somewhere.

I say whatever. Just make it. If it's your point of view, just say that shit. You know what I mean? But make make it. If it's your point of view, just say that shit. You know what I mean? But make sure it pay off. That's what the people who make more money, a lot of money say. You know what I mean? What do you do for fun, Charlie?

You seem like sort of a scary guy. You seem like you're into some weird shit. I like horror movies. Horror movies? Yeah. Horror movies. How often do you go see horror movies? Whenever a good one's out, you know.

Do you see Life? Life? No. Oh, is that that new one with Ryan Reynolds? Yeah. I haven't seen that one. You see Get Out? Yeah, I did see Get Out.

Yeah, I liked that. I liked how it was straightforward. I thought it was going to be cute and clever, but then it was just straightforward. No, white people are bad. It was straightforward. I thought it was going to be cute and clever, but then it was just straightforward. No, white people are bad. Yeah. It was great. I, on the other hand, did not approve the message that movie portrayed.

Yeah. It left me saying, Chris Ben what? Wow. And the bell was incredible. Charlie, man, that's interesting. I feel like there's something we're not covering, though. Parents, what were they like?

Oh, good. Divorced when I was eight. Divorced when you were eight. Now we're getting somewhere, brother. You have siblings? Yeah. I got a brother who's 10 years older than me, and a sister who's 11 years older than me.

What do they do? My sister's a teacher, and my brother is making an app than me. My sister is 11 years older than me. What do they do? My sister is a teacher. My brother is making an app. What's the app? It's like a game. Like Snapchat? Nothing nice. Yeah.

It's just a small thing. That's fun. You're driving Lyft. Yeah. I'm sure last time you were on, I probably asked you if anything crazy has ever happened in your car. Yeah. Did you answer that? I did, and it was awful.

Very good. Let's move on to Macho Man, Randy Savage. Hey, are your parents the people from that picture of the pitchfork farmer and his wife? Yeah. Good one, Macho Man. Very good. That's a good one. Let's move on while we've got some good energy in the room.

Oh, thank you. I always love it when Hulk Hogan does that. Thank you. The main reason I was here, I wanted to challenge Joel again. Oh, you had a Mexican drum off? Yeah. Is that true? Wait a second.

You're not Mexican. Well. It didn't matter the last time. Only Mexican drummers can No Joel actually it's not It's anybody who knows how to Alright I take it back It's anybody who knows how to play the drums

The Mexican in Mexican drum off Exactly so next The man who knows how to play the drums Alright I guess I'm never getting my joke out No no it's okay It's a Mexican drum off Because you're in it, Joel. That's the only reason why we call it that.

They don't have to be Mexicans. Joel just realized he's Mexican. All right, there he goes, Charlie Winfrey, ladies and gentlemen. You met him here. He's on Twitter, Charlie Winfrey. All right. We have a regular on this show. She performs a brand new minute every single week,

which is fucking crazy. Unlike everybody else who you saw got pulled out of the bucket, she does it every single week. Tough to do. Tough to perform a new minute brand new every week in front of a bunch of fucking judgmental assholes. But she manages to do it. Put your hands together for the great Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah! Hi. I recently followed a magician at an open mic, and when the host came on stage, he was like, man, I want to know how you do those jokes. And then he was like, but, to know how you do those jokes and then he was like but you know magicians are always tough they won't tell you how they do their jokes and then I went up and I was like I'm just glad no one asked me that question because if someone was like how do you do those jokes up there I'd just be like years of depression Impression. New joke.

Great. I hate people who, oh, yeah, yeah. So the magician was asking for volunteers, and someone raised their, I hate people who raise their hands and then get surprised that they're called on. They're like, me? Me? Like, who put your hand up up there it was you okay whenever whenever I have a low self-esteem or something it makes okay great go on no it's self-esteem what I shouldn't go on but I will

uh whenever I have a low self-esteem that's when I get my most horny, which is tough because when you're horny with a low self-esteem, you just come off like a sad baby. I'm just like, oh, I don't deserve anything. Yep, a new minute every week, baby. Fuck yeah.

I mean, that's the best performance of the night, for sure. Even though you were being silly about it, I think it sort of played into it. Allie, what the fuck's up? You know, just watching magic. So you really performed? By the way, all that setup that went into that, which was like 29 seconds you said

that magicians don't tell people how to do their jokes but you meant tricks right yeah yeah i got mixed up first time saying that out loud the magician joke i was at a bar in the valley which was a mistake in the first place and then you know i got i was on deck I was ready to go and then just magic started happening you have an inflection like a Scottish person without the accent okay macho man have you met a lot of Scottish people without accents oh yeah okay thank you so what was the magician doing was it like amazing magic was Was he funny at all? You know, he was doing like the classic magic bits that's like pick a card and stuff like that.

Really? I don't know. I honestly was like very caught up in the fact that I was watching magic at an open mic. Are you on Molly right now? No. There's something different about you. New antidepressant or something?

No, I'm just feeling goofy. And I'm not feeling confident in my new joke. So I'm just like, fuck it. Why not act a little? But every episode in the past, I've never seen this before from you. You definitely are different today. Wait a second. Did you cum recently?

Yeah. Did you... Did it happen? Did you get some good D finally? No. The long-going storyline is that Ali's never came before. Yeah. Hey, maybe the guy that made his girlfriend cum.

Oh, yeah. First timer. We're both the same age, too. Hey, maybe the guy that made his girlfriend come. Oh, yeah. First timer. We're both the same age, too. Oh, there you go. He just turned 21, you said. Wow. Somebody must have matched on Tinder. She's down for a threesome, she said.

No. I am not. I have already been there. What about a cage match? The Hulkster really liked that one. What's wrong with your mustache? Your mustache is dangling from your face.

Your racist mustache is dangling from your face. You need some white powder to put up there. Take a shower. Okay, I'm sorry. No, no, don't be sorry. What was that last joke you did?

Fuck if I know. Oh, the baby. Oh, yeah. Oh, I don't deserve anything. Yeah, I didn't really get that. Me neither. I just said it once in conversation and said, let's try it out for Kill Tony.

You're drunk or something. Yeah, something's going on. You are drunk. You are out of it. I just don't feel funny and I don't feel confident, so I'm just doing whatever, you know? What am I supposed to do? She is horny. She got low self-esteem right now.

I mean, do you want me to be monotone and dull every week? Yes, please. There she goes. Ali Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to do one more real quick. One last one. You guys ready to close this shit out or what? Put your hands together for Tyler Gwazier.

God damn. Yeah. Okay. How about Michael Wells? Wow. A lot of people must have left thinking that was it. Ryan Heron. Whoa.

From the front row. Hey, guys. My name is Ryan. I'm the cop who apologizes for pulling you over. And this is my first time, if you can't tell. So, uh... Talk about Black Lives Matter. Oh, guys, guys.

Okay, all right. I'm sorry. Start my minute over for me Guys, I have dreams I have a lot of aspirations I really want to be a dad Like a stay-at-home dad Ryan, you're okay, brother This is amazing

Connor fucked me, dude Connor Ba Connor fucked me, dude. Connor Bauman fucked me. What? That was like 25 minutes ago. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. For a guy that's never done it before, you're quite the diva, can I tell you?

Keep going, Ryan. Here he is with his first ever debut set, Ryan Heron! Freeze! Go, go, go, motherfucker, go. Oh, I didn't know you were starting. So I want to be a stay-at-home dad now. Wait, wait, wait, you just did it again, Ryan. You bombed again.

Somehow you've... Ryan, when you hear the music stop playing, just pretend like you just got to the stage for the first time. You ready? Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Heron. I can't believe this is going to be on my favorite podcast. This is horrible. You just did it again, Ryan.

I bombed again. Right there. Right up to my mouth. You're the drunk guy from Cops. What? You're the drunk guy from Cops. I'm way too sober right now. You're just snitching on yourself.

Ryan, I need you to focus on me. Yes. When you hear the music stop playing, you go straight into your shit. Do not be scared. You can still kill it. I believe in you. Ladies and gentlemen,

Ryan Heron. So, guys, hey, hey. I have dreams. I have dreams. I have dreams, I have aspirations. I want to be a dad, father someday. Not just any dad. I want to be a stay-at-home dad. If you don't think that's aspirational,

try saying that on a first date. It actually worked out for me, though. I won. I beat Tinder on hard mode. I have a girlfriend, yes. She has a good job. She has a good job. She works with autistic children,

which is perfect for me and my kids. We're working on it. We're working on kids. We're going to have some kids someday. We have pretty wild sex, I have to admit. Thank you, thank you but we decided to go old fashioned with our safe word

it's ouch last joke I gotta say don't guys don't ever have shower sex shower sex is terrible. It is the worst. It is like raping someone in Guantanamo Bay, except you're also cold

and naked. Ryan Heron, ladies and gentlemen. He did it. In an unheard of first time ever on the show, he bombed four times we restarted

and then he fucking killed somehow on his first set ever for a minute you know right before on the fourth time when I'm like you know when the music goes out just start you can do this you can I believe that

you can still kill I was lying and then you did that it was fucking awesome man start. You can do this. I believe that you can still kill. I was lying. And then you did that. It was fucking awesome, man. I was about to call him Jeff Notworthy, but he did pretty good. Alright, there he goes. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. How about one more time for Ryan here on We Just Ran

Out of Time, Ryan, or else we'd hang out with you more, but this is the absolute end of the episode. You can catch that print at ryanjebelt.com. Look at that. Hulk Hogan, Macho Man, holy fucking shit. This guy is on another level. If you want to do something really cool after this show, hang out on the front patio.

We're all going to be hanging out out there. Go up to Ryan Jebelt and ask to see that drawing. It's going to blow your fucking mind. He'll show it to you. This was a fucking blast. How about putting it together for Reagan and Watkins and the band? Look like Flanders, don't we? Reach out to your brother on social media.

Come check out Stand Up on the Spot every second Tuesday of the month here at the Comedy Store. It's a great show. I love it. That's Patty Reagan, P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N. Yeah, check out Wrestlemania October 17th. It's 3 p.m.

There you go. A promo for an event that makes billions of dollars. Joel Jimenez is on Twitter at Mostly Sorry, or as we call him, Joelberg. How about making some noise for Byron motherfucking Bowers? Byron, what do you got coming up, buddy? Touring?

Something crazy? I'm at Byron Bowers on the internet. I'm about to go to Flint, Michigan. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. And then I'm going to do this. Drink that water. I know, right?

I think I'm going to do this video game voiceover, too. Fuck, Michigan. Drink that water. I know, right? I think I'm going to do this video game voiceover too. Fuck yeah. Byron Bowers. Follow him on everything. He's one of my favorite comedians. We've literally been doing this forever together here at the Comedy Store. We started together. We grinded together. We've come all the way up to the bottom of the

top. And here we are. Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen, my partner in crime. Catch us next week in Austin, Texas. No, not next week. Two weeks in Austin and Houston and all other tour dates at TonyHinchcliffe.com. A huge summer tour about to be announced hopefully next week here on this show. Love you guys. Thank you to the live audience.

Thank you. Good night. Yeah! that you could relay the one that I told you that you liked and the fix that we made Ooh, ooh, ooh You're all predation

I never pay attention Nobody but your heart You broke it all, guess who can't finish what you start? Nobody broke your heart You broke your own Cause you can't finish what you start Nobody broke your heart You broke your own

Cause you can't finish what you start Nobody broke your heart If you alone Was built once to be a part Oh, boy. His name is Red. Bam. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

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Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.. Oh, boy. I'm a good. I'm a good. That's pretty good.

Oh, shit. How are you, buddy? Just got off the tube. Yo. you