KILL TONY - KILL TONY #205

Episode Date: April 15, 2017

Kevin Nealon, Kirk Fox, Jeremiah Watkins, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 04/03/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Redman and this is Kill Tony. You're listening to Death Squad. Go to deathsquad.tv. Check out everything we do. We have past episodes of Kill Tony, video portions of the shows. Also, if you click on tour dates, you'll get to see where we're at next. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the Comedy Store.

Texas, we are coming to you this weekend, this upcoming weekend. The 22nd, we'll be in Austin, Texas at the Speakeasy. And you can get tickets. Just go to speakeasyaustin on Twitter or speakeasyaustin.com for more information. That's a part of the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. And then the following day, Sunday, April 23rd, we are going to be at the secret group in Houston doing Kill Tony at 8 o'clock and that's followed by a secret show

at 10 o'clock with Louis J. Gomez, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Lucas Hurl, me and a bunch of secret guests you can check that out by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates for tickets and all that uh also we are doing a awesome new hat at shop squad dot tv right now

shop squad dot tv is the official merchandise of the death squad universe and i got some new 2017 lucky stripe hats out and you can order them if they're still available by the time you listen to this they're pretty cool they're like pink and purple and pink and black check it out shopsquad.tv don't forget TonyHinchcliffe.com that's where you can get all Tony's merchandise

and tour dates and he's all over the place so check it out TonyHinchcliffe.com and last but not least RyanJEbelt.com. He's the house artist. He has a new Kill Tony 2 poster out right now. You can order that. He also has past episodes of the shows where he's drawn during the show.

Check it out, RyanJEbelt.com. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hey, that's the part where I'm supposed to come out. I always get excited. Make some fucking noise for the band, everybody. Playing some music.

Audience loading. The great Brian Redband is here. Make more noise for that. The hilarious, awesome Brian Redband. The great Ryan J. E. Belt is drawing tonight's episode. That's this guy right in front of me that's drawing things while you guys sit there and do nothing. Ryan J. drew the brand new Kill Tony poster. Look at that bad motherfucker that I took

to the frame shop today. Finally got it in there. So I can hang it up next week. Next to my other Kill Tony poster. Both of those are available at ryanjebelt.com including every single episode that he's been with us for. He's already drawn. There's prints of that available at ryanjebelt.com.

You have a favorite episode, huh? Yeah. Maybe it was Ichabod? No, it's going to be in two weeks in Austin, Texas. Oh, yeah? Yeah, we're going to be at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. So if you live in Texas and you're listening to this live... That's 12 days from now. Yeah, the 22nd.

Yep, and the 23rd we're in Houston. We go to Houston the next day and that's going to be a lot of fun. Yeah, we're doing a Kill Tony in Houston and then it's followed by a secret show. Right, a stand-up show with secret guests. Some of the guests you know, some of them you don't know. Maybe there's a big guest that's going to be on that show that has a show

a couple months later in Houston but contractually in his deal isn't allowed to say that he's performing that night in Houston, his stand-up, stuff not from his most recent one-hour special on Netflix but all new material.

But who knows who that secret guest could be. I don't know. Could be anybody. So we got that out there. We promoted everything. You guys ready to start the show? Huh? How about you guys?

Are you ready to start the motherfucking show? Guys, that's not enough energy. Are you ready to start the motherfucking show? God damn it. It's a fucking lazy ass, dark ass Monday pussy fucking crowd, huh? Let's see how loud we can get it now when I say welcome our guests, the great Kevin Nealon and Kirk Fox. There you go. Now we're getting there.

Come on. Yeah. Kirk Fox. Boom. Look at you badass motherfuckers. Just a couple tall guys, man. You got 13 feet of comedy between the two of us right here.

13 feet. That's it. You guys are big. You're cool. And we're wealthy. Yes. Very well. Very successful.

Kevin is, and I'll just take a little of that. I meant healthy. Yeah. Healthy, not wealthy. We are tall. We didn't know we'd be boxed in. How you feeling? I'm feeling tall. I'm feeling tall.

I'm feeling tall. I've got a high range of 5'8 to 6'4", Tony. We need a couple phone books, I think, for me so that I can catch up with you guys. For those of you listening to the podcast, they are indeed tall. You're taller than I thought that. A lot of people tell me that, Tony. They say, you know, you're a lot taller in person. And we're still growing.

A lot of people don't realize it. And I tell them, you've got to get a bigger television. Because your TV is not my actual size. Did you know that? Because that's all they know me from. Some of my many, many TV shows. Well, I'm excited to have you guys here. Kirk, you're one of our most

regular, awesome, favorite fucking guests in the world. Wow, that's good to know. It doesn't seem to be doing much for me. How many actual... Whatever that was was terrible. Was that a sound effect?

Oh, jeez. I didn't know if I had brought that with me. Does that say K-Fox? Yeah, it's what does the fox say. How many people in this audience are actual Kill Tony fans? that with me. Does that say K-Fox? Yeah, it's what does the fox say. Okay. How many people in this audience are actual Kill Tony fans? Seems like there's not a lot of excitement in this room right now. Is everything okay?

Should we start the show? Wait, I think we're missing one thing, huh? I think it's one of our favorite things in the world. Kevin might not know what the show is. Does he know what the show is. Does he know what he might be in store for? Well, Tony explained it to me a little bit beforehand because I'm not a Tony fan at all.

So I've never listened to the show. But it sounds interesting. I'm going to do what I do typically always. I just kind of feel it out as I go along. Okay, I like that. Well, we do have a band, much like many of the hit television shows that you've appeared on, Kevin. We have like a real band, or at least we pretend.

That's impressive. Now, they're not going to be loud right in his ear, are they? Is that a thing? No, he's worried about it because he has tendinitis of the ear. It's a ringing. It's a constant ringing. By choice. I'm going to bring out the Kill Tony band, ladies and gentlemen.

Here they are, Reagan, Watkins, and Joel Jimenez, the Kill Tony band. They do something different every week. Normally it's a, oh, wow. Oh, they're very Hawaiian. It seems like. Wow, look at Joel Jimenez. I got a sexy body. Joel Berg.

Joel Berg. Okay. I feel like you're in Maui. You guys look like you're ready to get pulled off of a United flight or something like that. Oh, good one, Tony. Whoa, what is that? What was that voice? What do you mean, dude? This is my normal voice. Whoa, what is that? What was that voice? What do you mean, dude?

This is my normal voice. Whoa, where are you from? Oh, Hawaii, dude. Wow, so I guess it's a Hawaiian band, huh? I went to Hawaii last year, and I found this beautiful beach. It was like right on the water. You could not get any closer. Kirk?

Dude, I tried to go to the beach today. What was her name? I couldn't find it. Okie dokie. I like it when episodes start like this. Wait, has it started? A lot of people like momentum, a big energetic crowd. I sort of like it like this.

It's better for the podcast listeners, you know what I mean? Lead back. You know, they get to hear everything. They make sure the quality's good. It feels like Hawaii. It's a little laid back, so it's perfect. Nice and chill, dude. Well, all right.

The Hawaiian theme. Must have been a slow week in the news, huh? Dude, we got to keep throwing you curveballs, Tony. all right. The Hawaiian theme. Must have been a slow week in the news, huh? Dude, we got to keep throwing you curveballs, Tony. All right. Yeah, fuck yeah. I didn't realize you went to number 755 on episode 205, but I like it. The all-Hawaiian mellow theme with the always well-hidden bass player. You guys hate your bass player.

Give it up for Chris, everybody. Round of applause for Chris on bass. Chris on bass, everybody. There he is. Alright. You guys ready to start the fucking show or what? This is the show where comedians and sometimes completely insane people sign up for the opportunity

to do 60 seconds on this stage. They signed up before all you guys got here. And now they're over there. Hello, comedians. And some people, some people even signed up that may you guys got here. And now they're over there. Hello, comedians and some people. Some people even signed up that may be scattered in the audience. And that's what happens. They do 60 seconds. We talk to them afterwards.

You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up. You did your time. Close it out or else you're going to bring up the angry West Hollywood bear. That's what happens. It's a sound. Okay, okay, we get it. You guys ready to start the fucking show or what?

This is the true start. Everything's in place in an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Anything can happen. To start off the show goes to Nick Bowman. 60 seconds of Nick Bowman. 60 seconds of Nick Bowman and then we talk to him afterwards. Maybe about his set, maybe about anything in the world.

There's nobody coming. Hey Tony, does the 60 seconds start as soon as you say their name? No, it starts when they get up here. Yeah, it starts when they start talking. Okay, good, because that would be really stressful. And Nick was blacklisted. Okay. So Nick didn blacklisted. Okay. So Nick didn't even, did he do it?

Did I miss it? No, he's blacklisted. Sorry, I drifted for a second. Sometimes people sign up, and then I don't know whether, sometimes they feel like they get scared. No, it's really scary when you're first starting out and they call your name. I used to go to the improv on open mic night, and they would call my name, and I would just sit there looking around the room for me because I didn't want to go up.

Because they didn't know who I was. I wasn't as famous and successful back then. But, you know, it is scary. It's like jury duty for me. I hear my name, I'm just not there. Yeah. You look around the courtroom. Yeah. Well, I pulled another name

out of the bucket. We'll see if this person's here. This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Derek Mochia. Wow, from deep in the back, I do believe. The farthest back. Yes, here he comes. It's Derek Mochia from the absolute back of the

main earth. Can the West Coast get some love for Tupac, please? I ain't a killer, but don't push me. Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pussy. Damn, Pac, you should have lived a little older to find out a revenge fuck was better than both of those things alone. So my name's Derek. Look like Jeter. Hit like Teeter.

I can't hit for shit, but I got baseball in my blood. Started out selling hot dogs at Shea Stadium in Queens and worked all my way up to A-ball. Ain't a player, though, baby. I just call the shots, baby. Balls and strikes. Last name is Moshe. May sound Jewish, but I'm sorry I'm not a Jew. But don't worry, I'm not Germans and strikes. Last name is Moshe. May sound Jewish, but I'm sorry I'm not a Jew. But don't worry, I'm not German and I'm not out here to fool you.

I'm just an Italian from Queens, but I never fucking been to Italy. Tired of being known as a European prefix. America, baby. America. Say it with me. America. America. America. That guy didn't say it. He's a fucking terrorist. Call ICE, baby. So if you go into the store and buy cigarettes, and you walk outside and get hit by a can, but you hops the curb, you still die from cigarettes, bro. Okay? And you ask me credit, debit.

Fuck yeah, there it is. Derek Mochia. Am I saying that right? Mochia? Yeah, Mosha. Mosha. Yeah. All right, Derek Mosha.

For sure. I went with the first name this time. A lot of plugs for the city of Queens, huh? Yeah, I got it out there. How much did they pay you to say that? It's in my blood. What did you sell at Shea Stadium? Hot dogs in the crowd. Wasn't it Tracy Morgan used to sell peanuts at Yankee Stadium?

You should have worked over there. Fuck, that's where the money's at. That's where the money's at. That's where the money's at. I gotta be honest with you. I would have bought a hot dog from you. You've got a lot of passion. I felt like if I didn't buy the hot dog, something bad would happen. Can we get, can we hear your hot dog pitch?

Oh, it'd be straight. I can't use the mic. Don't use the mic. Hot dog! Hot dog! Get your hot dog here! Get your hot dog here! What if they want more than one? Yeah, you gotta't use the mic. Yeah. Hot dog. Hot dog. Get a hot dog here. Get your hot dog here. What if they want more than one? You just have one? Yeah, you got to whip it out sometimes.

There's more than one hot dog that you have. There's more than one. You got to maybe hyphenate. You say hot dog instead of hot dogs. Yeah, hot dog. Hot dog here. Get your hot dog here. And you change your accent just to bring in more people?

My accent's crazy. I mean, as soon as I open my mouth, you know I'm from New York. But I try to switch it up because being from all over America for baseball, I try to talk like I'm from that town. What does a hot dog cost there, Shaystain? Well, here's the trick. It probably costs a little bit less than the button that I was wearing because I like to take a 50-cent rip on the top.

So say it costs like $5.75. We used to wear a $6.50 and just make that extra change right there on the top. Yeah, that's why ballpark dogs cost so much. Oh, pulling on over on the system. So that's because someone's getting fucked? Everybody getting fucked no matter where you're at. So when I buy a hot dog for five, I should only be paying four? Yeah, don't tip his ass nothing.

He already got the tip. Yeah, but then they get angry. Actually, you know what? No, forget that. This day and age, the ballpark, when you go there, nobody's out there slinging hot dogs anymore. Everything is order on your phone. It's not like it used to be. Is that true?

Yeah, it's not like it used to be. I sold hot dogs a long time ago. How long ago were you selling hot dogs? In high school, so 99, 03, 05, you know. What other entrees do they have at the ballpark there besides hot dogs? Whatever, what? What other entrees do they have? Entree was my besides hot dogs? Whatever, what? What other entrees do they have? Entree was my coworker.

Get yourself a big-ass dog. I don't know. That's it. Some ballpark. Yeah, bro, that's it. No burgers, no chicken wings. Yeah, whatever you want. You got it.

Ballpark fare, watch out. Ballpark fare will land you in a fucking shitter for months. What are you doing now? What are you doing now? Call baseball. You call baseball? Balls and strikes, right? All I do is duck a real job, bro.

Trying to get into comedy. I remember now. You've been on the show do is duck a real job, bro. I remember now. You've been on the show before. Can you again run us through how you call strikes? I can. You want to do that again? Strike one. All right. Humpire.

Same thing. Humpire is the coolest. Same shit, except now I'm on the field. No more hot dogs. You should open with that instead of the Tupac stuff. Ah, well, they were playing the rap music. That's why I went along with it. Let me hear you say ball.

No, you got to say not even. Ball. Ball. Hot dog. You turned country for that, too. Exactly. It's hot dogs and balls. Those are the things.

What's fucked is the batter's confused when he's up there and you're calling balls and strikes. He doesn't even know what country he's in. Let's have another strike. Let's have another strike. What's strike two? Strike two is straight. Two.

Ah. Okay. And I'm banging like that. Two. Two. Strike two. Where do you think this inner hillbilly comes from? You're from Queens, New York.

I know. You're a tough guy, Italian. Shout out to Tupac and Biggie. Yeah. You're like all that. It's just a love for being in some horseshit town. Do you have any jokes? Do you have jokes?

Yes. Always jokes, baby. Always jokes. Do you have any jokes? Do you have jokes? Yes. Always jokes, baby. Always jokes. Did you get to one? No, I'm just wondering if I missed something. I mean, I was just introducing myself, you know what I mean? I wasn't shouting any one-liners or anything like that. I set a punchline. I was just talking about myself.

So that was your 60-second intro. Yeah, I got it out as much as I could. You married? You got a family? No, no family. Just a girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah, just a girl. How long have you been with her? For a while. Two years? Yeah, a got it out as much as I could. You got a family? No, no family. Just a girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah, just a girl. How long have you been with her? For a while. Two years? Yeah, a couple years.

She supports me. She supports you? Yeah. Well, not financially, but supports me in baseball and everything like that. She don't say, hey, Derek, you're a fucking loser. She don't say shit like that. I didn't realize umpires... Do you ever just say, two balls in your mouth?

I didn't realize umpires needed that much support. Well, we're on the road so much, brother. He calls her his cup. What league are you umpiring for? I didn't make it out of A ball. I currently work in an independent league called the Atlantic League. Now, what stopped you from making it to the big leagues? Just some bullshit off the field.

Nothing umpiring-wise. Just some bullshit off the field. Were you calling extra balls and strikes to make money? No, I passed the background check and everything. It ain't like that, bro. You calling extra balls and strikes to make some money? Fuck, dude. You can't be doing that. Three strikes. It's the first pitch.

Sorry. All about integrity. Want a hot dog for $12? Don't look under the tag. When you go to bed at night, do you kind of relive the calls you made during the day? You can't bring it home with you. You live with during the day? You can't bring it home with you. You live with it there, but you can't bring it home. You've made some shit calls.

Like if you bomb out there, you can't bring it home with you. You've made some shit calls. Be a horse shit umpire. You know better than that horse shit out there. But you've made some bad calls. I haven't made bad calls. I'm not God. I've also had the balls to turn it over.

Everybody knows God makes the best calls, by the way. I don't know if you've ever seen him umpire. Sometimes they bring him in for game seven or something like that. You're out. You're fucking out. Only God sees him, brother. I just call it as I see it. I bet he doesn't charge you extra for a hot dog. Nah.

You got to do what you got to do coming up, though. So strike three, that's the most important one. All the chrism in the world. Just some crazy shit. I did it earlier. Just some wild shit. Throw it up. Bam, like that.

What do you really do? Come on, get in the zone. Pretend like there isn't an audience here. I did it earlier. Just some wild shit. Throw it up. Bam! Like that. What do you really do? Come on. Get in the zone. Pretend like there isn't an audience here. I bring it back. Hi! Like that. Wow. Have you ever heard any of the little kids that you actually umpire for? Little kids? I try to stay off those fields, bro. Do you umpire for bad habits?

Do you umpire for T-ball ever? No. You get bad habits out there. I fucking hate whoring myself out. What do you mean bad habits? You pick up heroin on the t-ball? Yeah, you don't do the things you're supposed to do on a good field because you're on a shit field. He's got to stay at least 500 feet away from my children. Have you ever just punched

a parent because he was too loud? You will definitely steal outs on a ball field where you could steal outs if you don't want to fucking be there. Biggest argument you ever got in with another manager? The first one that pops in your head. What was the fucking like? Do you remember saying anything crazy?

You ever sort of cross a line yourself where you lose it a little bit? Yeah, you can motherfuck guys. How many times have you said the N word on the baseball field? Nah, you can't say any word. Hey, but everybody racist though. Everybody racist. You know what I mean? Everybody racist. No, that's not true. Really? We at Kill Tony do not endorse the thoughts. We're not in Queens anymore. Nah, I'm kidding. You know what I mean? Everybody racist. No, that's not true. Really? We at Kill Tony do not endorse the thoughts. We're not in Queens anymore.

No, I'm kidding. You don't do that. Nobody racist out there. Just kidding, guys. Nobody's racist. Totally. That was one of my jokes I didn't get to tonight. I'm surprised you didn't make it to the big leagues with that attitude. Everyone's racist. I have some off field. It was a setup for a joke. That's all.

Has any coach ever come up to you before a game and tried to bribe you? No. No bribery. Look at me. Look at me. Have they? No bribery, brother. No bribery.

No bribery at all. It's the biggest argument where you had to maybe eject a manager or something like that. Bro, I had Jabba Chamberlain thrown at somebody in spring training a couple years ago. Who's John Chamberlain? Some fucking reliever at the time who was big news. I think he's yesterday's news now. You know what I mean? Wasn't he with the Temptations?

Yeah, yeah. He danced, bro. He danced out there. He sang a little tune. What was the argument about? He was like, I didn't throw at him. And I'm like, you have pinpoint accuracy. You definitely threw at him.

You hit him in the fucking head. And then what did he say? He said, if I wanted to fucking, I don't even remember what I said, bro. I don't even know. But it was some bullshit like that. And then did you kick him out? Yeah, I ejected him. That sort of makes sense here, but not really.

Yeah, I ejected him. Hey, when you come home, does your girlfriend ask you about the game? Does she say how many balls, how many strikes? She don't have a clue, bro. You know girls in baseball. She doesn't know about baseball. She don't have a clue, bro. You know girls in baseball. She don't have a clue. What does she do? She's a teacher.

What's she teaching? She'd be teaching English as a second language. Wow. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah, so she's dealing with immigrants. She doesn't bring her work home either, does she? I hope not.

I feel like we're doing a 30 for 30 on this guy right now, dude. You know what's great about being homeless? You can never bring your work home. Yeah. Take a break. We'll be right back. Derek said that. I have a question for you, Derek.

Because you said you never bring your work home. But do you ever bring it to third base or second base? Yeah, bro. That's a good baseball joke, you assholes. That works on many levels. You said you were like... And remember, you can do that drum for anyone, but Kevin and I, if we say something,

it doesn't warrant... Because we're professionals. Derek, you said you were like... Derek... You said you were like... Derek Jeter. And then you were like, not Teeter. Yeah, I look like Jeter, but I hit like Teeter.

I can't hit for shit. Who's Teeter? It ain't Jeter. I look like Jeter, but I hit like Teeter. I can't hit for shit. Who's Teeter? It ain't Jeter. It ain't Jeter.

You better hope Teeter's not coming up in the minor leagues and he's a hell of a hitter. Hey, Tony, ask me who Jeter is. Who's Jeter? It ain't Jeter, dude. Well, Derek, any other worth of wisdom for Derek, guys? What do you think about J-Lo and A-Rod, man? What's up with that? I haven't been to New York City, but I'm sure it's probably fucking pathetic to

look at in every one of the newspapers out there. If you could hang out with one baseball player, who would it be? Nah, they're all rats, bro. I ain't hanging out with them. They're all rats? They're all rats, bro. What have you been ratted out for? Well, they'll get the manager. They'll get the dugout on you. What are your off-field issues? They'll show you up. Derek, tell us about your

off-field. I want to get you out of here, but I also want to know more. Yeah, for sure. What are these off-field get you out of here, but I also want to know more. Conspiracy theorists right here. They're all against me. What are these off-field issues that you said are keeping you from moving up to the double A or single A? Oh, no. That was beyond me. I'm already past that. That's why I'm out here talking.

Because if I would have done this while I was in the program, I would have been released. I was released for something bullshit. I was in a car with my girlfriend when I should have been in a rental car with the crew. Simple as that. Are we talking baseball or prison suddenly? Exactly. Exactly, bro. Exactly.

But I'm not burning a bridge. I'm not burning a bridge. I'm not. What were you doing in the car with your girlfriend? Being an adult, dude. Being an adult. Leaving the yard with my girlfriend. That's what I call anal in Queens.

They don't let you be an adult. You know what I mean? It's just called be an adult. You know what I mean? It's just called being an adult. You know what I mean? Spread those fucking cheeks, babe. Time for me to grow up. Girls like a guy in a uniform, right? Time for me to be a responsible man.

Girls like a guy in a uniform. Do you ever just wear your uniform into a bar with that big old padding? Chest protector and helmet on? I should do that, bro. Yeah, you're going to find someone. I should do that. Fuck it.

Do you ever have anybody just throw balls at you just to feel it hit? Nah, nah. To see if it works? Nah. Well, we have a surprise for you. Baseball's getting launched. Set up the machine. Fucking duck.

Jeremiah? Do you do the southern accent sometimes? Do you, like, do any other accents? Like, do you work on them? Do you, like, see, like, instead of, like, yelling hot dog, like, you see, like, an Asian person, you're like, pork fried rice. Oh, really? Oh, do you work on? Do you like see like, instead of like yelling hot dog, like you see like an Asian person, you're like pork fried rice.

Oh, really? Oh, really? No. Okay. Okay. Just like entice them now. All right, dude. All right.

Okay. Where do you go from here? After you leave here tonight, where do you go? I'm living in Phoenix for the next month and a half. You came here from Phoenix for this? Yeah. Tonight? For 60 seconds? I've been coming. Yeah. Well, for two days. I'm living in Phoenix for the next month and a half. You came here from Phoenix for this? Yeah. Tonight?

For 60 seconds? Yeah, for two days. I'm with my girl. That's good. The suspect is in the house, dude. I worked baseball in Chino yesterday, so I'm in the area. Chino's a good baseball town. Do you always keep that clicker? Do you always keep that

clicker on you? Indicator? No, I'm past that. I fucking call that green. You have an indicator out there, you're green. I don't need one. I keep the count here. What if you were a doorman and people are walking into a room like this? Would you be able to do it with your head? No, I'd fucking keep a count. You need that thing. He had it out there.

But balls and strikes, you're beyond thinking. I mean, yeah, four and three. It's instinct now. You can keep it there. You can't keep it there. What else are you fucking thinking about? Okay, we've got it. That big tits in the first row? All right, real quick, we've got 60 more questions for you, dude. No, we don't.

That's it. Derek Mosia, everybody. For sure, the worst. Truly the worst. I asked for so little. No, he didn't. He's on Instagram. He didn't write his Twitter.

He gave us Instagram. Q-N-Z-2-P-H-X-2-L-A. So I guess his Instagram's fucking name is also his password. That's Q-N-Z-2-P-H-X-2-L-A. Way to get a following, Derek. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna boom, boom. All right. Who's having fun out there? We just met Derek.

We spent way too much time with him. Compelling character, the umpire. We've always wanted to know who's behind the mask. You know what I mean? All right. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Jose Esquivel. Jose Esquivel.

Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. Jose Esquivel. Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. All right, so this is Arnold Schwarzenegger learning Spanish to reconnect with his bastard son. Hello, how are you? Como estas? Nice to meet you. All right, never mind.

This is Bill Cosby, his new Jell-O product. Have you ever been on a date that wasn't going so great? You tried to tell jokes, but they're not working, the girl's not twerking, and no one's getting lucky tonight. That's why I reached for Mr. Bill Cosby's pre-spiked Jell-O shots. They have all the fun and great flavor of Jell-O pudding that you're used to, but with an added sedative called Rufus. Here is Chris Rock talking about

Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill when it should have been Michelle Obama. Harriet Tubman? Ain't nobody want to fuck with Harriet Tubman. Fuck Harriet Tubman. Give me Michelle Michelle I love Michelle I love Barack But given the chance

I'd fuck Michelle Jose Esquivel Man Who was that? Was that Chris Rock the last one? Not really Not so much Give it up for

It really wasn't Arnold Schwarzenegger, and it really wasn't... It's not Jeter, dude. And it ain't Jeter. Jose Escueil. Ezequiel. Oh, okay. Give it up for Frank Colliend. No.

No. Okay. Jose, how long have you been doing stand-up? I'm from New Mexico We have no stand-up comedy club So we gotta make our own show So it's been eight years But in actuality

Maybe a year Wow No comedy clubs in New Mexico? None Albuquerque? Nothing? Zero Seattle?

None there? No So a year in New Mexico Is eight years In real time No no Eight years in New Mexico is eight years in real time. No, no. Eight years in New Mexico is one year in real time.

Dude, you'll be excited to know that nobody's ever done those impressions, dude. Yeah. Original, aren't they? Yeah. You consider yourself like an impression? Who else do you do impressions of? Martin Luther King Jr. Martin Luther King Jr. You know what I noticed about Chris Rock?

He'll do like an hour special. But a lot of that's really only 15 minutes material because he repeats the setup a lot. What is it with Michelle Obama? Michelle Obama. What is it with her? What is it with Michelle Obama? I'll tell you what it is with Michelle Obama what is it with her what is it with Michelle Obama

I'll tell you what it is with Michelle Obama it is amazing who else Jose who else do you do I do a gay Optimus Prime okay how does that sound I am Optimus Prime

to all those Autobots lurking in the stars. We're here. We're queer. So deal with it. Wow, you could have done so many other funny things. I could have. I could have.

Next time I would just be like, I want to suck your dick. Because it doesn't even have to sound like Optimus Prime. Just get right to it. Yeah. Which comic did you grow up listening to? What did you like growing up? Jim Carrey, Dave Chappelle. Same guy, by the way. Two of the same people.

You, Hans and Franz, all the SNL guys. Just everybody. I own Hans and Franz's album, dude. Do you do jokes also or just impressions? I do long stories, so I don't have enough time to tell you a whole story in a minute. That's true.

That's why I just dropped a couple quick impressions. How long are you long stories? I'm Gilbert Gottfried. What's your real name? What's your real name? Jose. Gilbert Gottfried. And Jose once lost his virginity when he was 17. See, Pat can do bad impressions too, Jose.

Yeah. You're not that far off. Wow. So what do you do for work? I work at Equinox in Beverly Hills. Holy fucking shit. Yeah. How long have you had that job?

No, that's West Hollywood. Sorry. I like how the comics keep turning around. Are you a trainer? Are you a trainer? Yes. You came out here to train? To train at this, yeah.

But to train as well, yeah yeah how long have you been in la uh four months four months yeah did you transfer from an equinox in new mexico there's not enough rich people in new mexico to have an equinox did you study comedy from like watching burger king commercials i like watching the trainers at some of these gyms because uh some the trainers, they're working with, like, really old people. And you know those aren't the good trainers. You know what I mean? And, like, the guy can't lift anything up, you know, and the trainer's not even really dressed to be training him. You know, he's just kind of, he's reading a book as he's training him.

Yeah, yeah, that's good. You got that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, form, good form. Anyway, you know. You train any old people? A couple. Actually, that's where. You got that. Form, good form. Anyway. You train any old people? A couple.

Actually, that's where the money's at. Is that right? Yeah, they got the cash. Why? Because you can just charge them what you want? Yeah, basically. You don't charge them by the pound? By how much they lift?

No, then you wouldn't make any money. Do they tip you after each machine? Usually, yeah. Wow. Every rep, yeah. What did you do for work in New Mexico? Worked at a gym. You did work at a gym.

That's what I was sort of getting at. Do you ever use the gym yourself? You seem like, you know, not like I see a lot of the guys that actually, I'll one-up you. I work out at the Equinox in West Hollywood. There you go. There you go. I was waiting for it.

And a lot of those guys are just like freaks. They look like beasts. So they stuck you in – did you ask for Beverly Hills? Oh, no. See, the girls don't want to work out with a Hulk. They don't want that. You work out. Are they lining up to work out with you?

You know, there's a couple. There's a couple. Get a good sugar mama and you're good to go. Yeah. Now, that ring you got on, it's an S for Superman? Not really. But it is an S. It is an S.

It is a Superman S. You're not Superman, are you? Not really. Because that would have been a giveaway. Yeah, I can't find a phone booth, so. Not really. Because that would have been a giveaway. Yeah, I can't find a phone booth.

You know, you think Clark Kent ever gets tired of people not recognizing him as Superman? And he'll wear a ring once in a while with an S on it. What's the ring with the S? Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. You think when he wants a good table at a restaurant, he'll take his glasses off, Clark Kent? Anything? Anybody?

Anybody? Jose, are you in love? No, not even close. Did you leave a girl in New Mexico? No. Last relationship you've been in, what was that like? That was actually back in high school. Wow.

Teacher? Yes, yes. She was a sub, though, so I barely saw her. Nice. Wow. Teacher? Yes. Yes. She was a sub, though, so I barely saw her. Nice. Interesting. You were a doll. Have you thought about getting some short stories instead of long ones? So you can do some jokes and things?

I have, yeah. You've thought about it? I've thought about it. It hasn't happened just yet. Work harder on that thought. Yeah. How old are you, Jose? 27. 27. Me too. Me too. Work harder on that thought. Yeah. How old are you, Jose? 27.

27. Me too. Me too. Your last relationship was in high school. And so that's like, what, nine or ten years? Yeah. It's been a while. Do you date?

Have you been on a date since being in L.A.? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Been on a few. How's that? It's been good. I don't meet a lot of girls, a lot of small-town girls where I work. So a lot of rich old ladies.

At work, have you ever gotten an erection while training a real hot bitch? Yes. Wow. Yes. And what do you do at that moment? You tough it out or you just say, I'll be right back? You just got to go tuck. You go full-on Buffalo Bill.

That's the only way. What would that sound like? So you tuck it in when you're training? Wait, how does your penis bend that way, dude? The Hawaiian has a good question. If you have an erection, how do you tuck it back? How do you tuck it back?

It's like a squat motion and then you pull one leg over the top, and then sort of... You really are a good trainer. Yeah. A lot of penises have hinges on them when they get hard. Definitely an equinox. Hinge dicks? Hinge dicks, also telescopic capabilities.

Tony Hinge did. They're huge in New Mexico. Tony Hinge did. You guys really had to get it all the way out, didn't you? What is going on? Jeremiah with the rebound and layup. Did you guys hit Tony Hingedick? Hashtag Tony Hingedick.

There you go. Reach out to him on social media. Can you speak New Mexican? I'm not very fluent. Not very fluent. Where do you live? West LA. Looks like you live in a display case.

Do you walk a lot of places? How did you think of your premises? What the fuck is going on in your head? Gay Optimist Prime. Name another impression that we didn't see tonight that you do. I'm not saying do the impression. I'm just saying, what are these characters? Dave Chappelle. Okay, let me hear a little Dave Chappelle.

I want to hear the most unfunny version of Dave Chappelle I've ever heard in my entire life right now. Go for it. Sometimes you just got to get out the game, baby. Oh, you got to go down to Africa, smoke some reefer, fuck a fat girl. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Okay, who else do you like? I like that. Is that Rock or Chappelle? Huh? Is that Rock or Chappelle? Chappelle, right? Neither. It was neither.

Just some random guy. Chappelle got bulked up a lot, didn't he? Yeah. Have you seen his last special? He's huge. Did you train him? You trained him, right? I wish.

He's a monster. Can you do his last special? He's huge. Did you train him? You trained him, right? I wish. He's a monster. Can you do any lady voices? Good question, Red Band. He's not a shemale. When's the last time you came? Jose, what are some more impressions? This would be called bullying in high school. What do you like on your pizza?

No, stop it, Brian. What are more impressions? Do you have any more? Eight years in New Mexico? How do you learn an impression? Do you get in front of the mirror? Or do you listen? That'd be a good question for an impressionist.

I guess what Kevin's trying to ask is what do you do? How do you not do an impression? I apologize for Tony Dude, it's freaking Tony Hingedick over here Oh, okay, there you go Listen to the comedians laugh it up because they hate me

Son of a bitch Okay, Jose Rock and roll What's your favorite thing that you do that's not comedy, not at the gym? Like, what's another hobby that you're into? Staring at the wall, dude. Jesus, Pat Reagan hates this guy. Any other hobbies or anything that you're into?

Staring at chicken legs back here. That's what I like. We're going to get you out. We want you to leave on top. There he goes. Jose Esquio he left an email instead of a twitter maybe insult comic is his forte

yeah I like it he got out on a big laugh nice one I thought those impressions were good totally good start I could probably see him doing a Robin Williams after the show tonight.

Oh. Oh. Oh, too much for a Monday, huh? Too much for a Monday, you fucking pussies. Tony Hinchdick. Okay, Jeremiah. Oh, you fucking bastard. Hashtag Tony Hinchdick.

Okay, thank you, guys. I'm ready to see some stand-up. Me too. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens. Jonathan Flanagan, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Jonathan Flanagan. Here he comes.

Uh, uh, uh. Hey, I'm John. A friend of mine just told me that a mutual friend of ours used to do porn. I just found out someone I know used to do porn. I'm going to like this already, man. This is going to be good. And it's weird because I didn't find her attractive before, this information. And I still don't find her attractive, but I am very interested. And the best way I can relate to you is like,

imagine you find out a friend of yours used to do magic, right, used to be a magician. It's like, yeah, when I was a kid, I was more into the magic shows than I am now, but I still want to see them do some tricks, right? Porn and magic have some similarities. They both enter the big reveal. They have weird names for their tricks,

like the Houdini or the Scarecrow, the Angry Dragon. The biggest difference I found that porn and magic have is that if I'm watching a magic show online, I'm not also searching for a better magic show, if that makes sense. Basically, what I'm saying is I'd be equally disappointed if my kid got into either profession, like porn or magic, you know what I mean? That was a really big punchline, but I still have time, so I'll just add more tags. They both have that weird bassy music that only sound normal in a porn or a magic show, you know what I mean?

Anyways, thanks. Is there more to that? You wanna keep going? Are you, Did you say you do that? Is that what it was, I wasn't, I sort of was like, I somehow couldn't keep up with everything you were saying. Do I do what?

You do magic and porn? No, no, no. Oh, no. That was just a joke about porn and magicians. I don't find her attracted by any of the others. Oh, okay. What? Stick with the question that I asked you.

Okay, we lost it, I guess. Jesus, Pat, you're really fucking... We're just throwing it all out there tonight, I guess. I'm actually throwing very little out there. Okay, yes lost it, I guess. Jesus, Pat, you're really fucking... We're just throwing it all out there tonight, I guess. I'm actually throwing very little out there. Okay, yes. Okay, Jonathan. Answer that question I just asked you. What was the question?

I don't even fucking remember. I didn't hear it either. Son of a bitch. You guys are on it, huh? I love it. Let's burn the house down. How long have you been doing stand-up? My first real show in front of real people

was in 2014, like the fall. It was actually here. I love that you made us all do the math. I don't know. What do you do for work? I work a couple nights at a bar here in Hollywood. What bar? It's called The Room on Coinga.

The Room? Yeah. Wow, a lot of people like that place. Never been there, but the movie's hilarious. It's a trendy place, right? You see a lot of crazy shit going on there? No, it's kind of, it's not trendy. It's like a hip-hop place, like one of the few, I think, places you go to.

A lot of blacks? So this girl told you she was in porn, correct? It's a girl that I used to work with That I found out used to do porn Okay, now have you watched any of her movies? Fuck yes you have Shut the fuck up No, because it wasn't like

She was like a big porn star with DVDs It's kind of like internet porn stuff What's her name? She's a cam girl It was Her porn name was Sierra Sky, I think. Oh, yeah. He was going to say that.

Did you have sex with her ever? I did not. No, she's married now, actually. To a magician, which is fucking hard to believe. That's a sexy name, by the way. That would get me off just to name a little. I can see a can of Sierra Sierra Mist soda and I get excited. You know, would you ever – a friend of mine married a porn star.

Really? They're going through a divorce now, though. But would you ever marry a porn star? I mean, I wouldn't rule anything out. I feel like you can't choose who you fall in love with. You dating right now? Yeah. You're right now? Yeah. You're romantic, aren't you?

Dating. Like, I mean, are you with someone? I mean, I'm dating. And you actually can choose who you fall in love with. Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes you can't help it. Not if you live in Iraq. Or where else?

There's no porn in Iraq. You can't even get it. Oh, they got it Did they catch Obama with porn? Do you think they did do you think that romantic loves turns from passionate to come passionate as time goes by? Yeah, definitely Jonathan What are you into Jonathan? Don't ever look back at the yeah, I won't stay with us my mistake

What are you into other than stand-up? I play a lot of basketball. We're pretty, though. I did that. I'm not turning back. Where do you play basketball? Professionally? No. You ever been to a professional basketball game, Tony? Yeah. Oh, my God. These guys play full court. Back and forth.

Unbelievable. They run and a lot of squeaking of the sneakers. That's why I don't watch basketball. It's too much squeaking. Yeah. You know, have they ever seen Wipe Their Shoes? It's so you get squeak more. Really? Yeah.

If they would play on carpeting, I'd watch. You know what I mean? And a smaller court. The courts used to be carpeted. And then a long time ago, somebody found out there's some beautiful hardwood floors underneath the carpeting. And they took a look and fixed it up. That's true. That's the way.

Dude, can Kevin Nealon just do the rest of the show, man? Jonathan. When was the last time you were in a fight? Seventh grade. I know, man. She had it coming, right? Did you win? She had it coming.

There was no winners. It was kind of like... No, it was not in a fight. It was quick. There was no winners. No. Not in 7th grade you got a lot of road rage? no I do don't follow me home I have passive aggressive it's road passive aggressiveness

like I'll follow behind them oh really? that's what you did? ok but I want to be aggressive aggressiveness. I'll follow behind them and just say, oh really? That's what you did? That's what you did? Okay. But I want to be aggressive. When you pull them next to me, just wave. You don't actually say anything. Where are you from, Jonathan?

Inland Empire, Southern California. Is that where you live now? No. Where do you live now? You said that with a question mark. Do you not know where you live? I should have said that. It's not as specific. Is it called the Inland Empire? Inland, yeah. That's really so misleading, isn't it? It's not an empire

out there. It's a riverside, right? It is inland, though, yes. It's not even close to an empire. No. It's more like an umpire. Take a break. We'll be right back. What was that fight in the seventh grade over? Do you remember?

No. A young lady named Sierra Sky. It was some friends I knew were kind of in a gang, and they kind of wanted me to be in the gang, and that was it. Some of your friends were in a gang? Yeah, they were like gang members. That is some wacky friendship going on, Jonathan.

My goodness. You ever been in a drive-by? No. There was a drive-by two doors down from my house, though, where I grew up. Oh, wow. Do you have three doors down? Was it an Uber? Did they just drive by, or did they actually shoot?

Was it an Uber who was lost? No. This was way before Uber. But no, actually, we were watching the movie Tombstone This is the stupidest show ever Wait, this is good, you were watching Tombstone Me, my brothers, and my dad were watching Tombstone When my mom was in her bed asleep

And she had told us to turn it down already once And then the drive-by happened She's like, I told you to turn it down And we did, and we realized she heard the real gunshots And she thought it was our TV That is so Inland Empire all right Jonathan all right buddy you've been doing it since 2014 was that mostly down there no no all here all here I didn't do it until I was already what's

your favorite gig that you've done in doing this for three years uh there's actually a really cool little indie show in Redlands called Laugh Local or something like that. It's like a little college town and they do it in this private room upstairs of this bar. It's a rowdy crowd, but it's a lot of fun. What happened?

Okay, I don't know what's going on. Rowdy crowd in the OC. Oh, God, the OC. Explain it. Okay. All right, Jonathan. Anything else interesting about you that we'd be surprised to know about? You're like a master yo-yo skydiver or something like that?

You think you might have a kid that you don't know about somewhere? No, I know I don't have a kid. Why are you so certain of that? Because I was in some long relations. I wasn't just banging around everywhere. Really? Yeah. You seem like you would fuck a lot.

You're tending bar. You have that slimy look where you have a deep secret, something like that. You seem sort of like a bartender version of a Fifty Shades of Grey kind of guy that's into some kinky shit. No. You think you might have a girlfriend you don't know about? No, I think I know. You don't look like you pull out, you look like you pull in, dude. All right, Jonathan, well, it was nice to meet you, out. You look like you pull in, dude. Alright, Jonathan.

Well, it was nice to meet you, buddy. Thank you. Thank you, guys. There he goes. Jonathan Flanagan. He's on Twitter at John Flanagan. J-O-N-F-L-A-N-N-Y. This is almost like being a shark on Shark Tank.

It is. It is sort of like that. It's like the Shark Tank of comedy. I've never thought of it that way. But they're not selling anything. I'm going to have to pass. They're selling themselves. For that reason, I'm passing.

Is that what they say? For that reason, I'm something. I'm not going. That show works. I just got dude wipes. Those are pretty good. I haven't used them, but I've been constipated since I got them. You're so excited about your dude wipes.

I'm so excited to use dude wipes. What does it do? That's a real man butt wipe. You know, after you wipe your butt, I think the last wipe is supposed to be a dude wipe. It's supposed to clean it up, make it sweet. And you have a wet towelette just for that in a little packet. It's kind of expensive. Yes, I do.

It's kind of expensive. But the thing is, I got them like a week ago and I just haven't been able to use one. Paper towels and Windex, cheaper. Oh, there he goes. That's not bad. That's a good way to go in. I try not to burn.

I try not to burn it. You know what I just learned about you, Kirk? I'm pretty sure you get your ass eaten sometimes. Well, they have to be so hungry. I mean, if you're dude wipe, then that means somebody specials. Yeah, dude, that's like a nice vinaigrette for a tall salad, dude.

Exactly. I pulled another name out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Michael Scott. Michael Scott. Michael Scott. I'm driving in the sun, looking out for number one, California. Can I go? All right. I'm kind of glad the election is over and all that news stuff,

because I feel like it was a distraction from the real news out there. Like a lot of y'all probably don't know, the FDA approved a pill that make male semen taste like pineapple. And that kind of made me mad because pineapple, that's for Asian Pacific Hawaiian chicks. I fuck a lot of black chicks. When they gonna make grape?

I fuck white chicks too. When they gonna make bacon? Uh, I'll say, I'll say, I'll just end ending right there You have 22 seconds Alright Also with these dating apps Watch out with the information y'all give people Off of these dating apps

I gave a girl my name and my birth date And I thought she was like gonna use it for that Zodiac shit Like oh he's an Aquarius I'm a Libra it may work This girl took my name and my birth date and I thought she was like gonna use it for that Zodiac shit like oh he's an Aquarius I'm a Libra it may work this girl took my name my birth date and ran it through an app that put it through 50 state prison systems and that was the last

time I saw the chick oh that's why your name's in 50 state prison systems alright Michael Scott ladies and gentlemen fuck yeah so Michael Scott, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. So, fuck yeah. Is that true?

That dating app thing? Yeah. You're just kidding, right? Well, but I ain't got a felony. But the fact that she ran it through. Nah, no felonies. What do you mean? All right, three misdemeanors don't equal a felony, do they?

Come on, you got more than that. They actually do. Keep going. Come on, tell the truth. I mean, I passed background checks, so I gotta be alright. You know, as long as you don't do the federal one. But you've committed a felony. You just have not been caught, correct? That is true, sir. That's what I felt. That is true. This is hilarious.

I sensed your passion when you said felony. Yeah. Well, was it anything good? You just had to smack a hoe, right? Sometimes you got to do that, but no, I ain't do that. You don't get a job after that, you know. Oh, yeah, just do the crimes where you can still get a job afterwards.

Right. Always look at it. Like check fraud, stuff like that. Did you say smacking a hoe? Yeah. Yes, I did. You can get the job after smacking a hoe if you want to be a pimp. Or a gardener.

Don't laugh that hard at that. It wasn't that good. It was testing. Michael, I thought creatively you could have just started right off with the FDA stuff instead of talking about whatever it was you talked about originally in the beginning. I'm going to be honest with you a minute is kind of hard. Like you know the setup

when you got like 60 seconds. What did you start off with? It was the election or something? The new pill just came out. No but there was something you said before. He said the setup all the. I remember what it was you looked at me and you said before. He said the setup. I remember what it was. You looked at me and you said, can I go now?

That was that opening. That is correct. Was FDA your first joke? Yeah, that was my first joke. No, no, but you said a lot of it. Something about the election. You were talking about the elections. Right, all the news from the election. Like, you know, when you got like 10 minutes, you set it up a little bit differently.

I don't know, maybe the 60 seconds. I think you could have just started off with the FDA approved. Because when you talk about the election, we start thinking about the election. We don't need that. The joke is so good, it can stand alone on its own, and that's what you want to do is just get right to it. You're cluttering it up by saying elections because there's no Trump twist or anything coming. But it was actually very funny. What makes you think how many all the white women you've been with love bacon that much?

That bacon's the go-to? Bacon is the white woman's grape drink? Is that what I'm getting from that joke? I mean, I done fucked enough of them. Now I like bacon. So, I mean, let's just. You fucked that many white women that now you enjoy bacon sometimes? Yeah.

Man, you've rid that. Maybe if you could taste like gluten. Or pumpkin spice. Pump. Damn, you've rid that. Maybe if you could taste like gluten. Or pumpkin spice. Pumpkin spice, yeah. Actually, I do like pumpkin spice. Turkey bacon. And yoga. I'm starting to take up yoga now, too.

You're doing yoga? Yeah, I'm doing yoga. It's hard to taste like yoga. That's kabushka, I guess. Kabushka. Kabushka. Yeah, kabushka. Why are you taking up yoga?

I mean, when you start fucking somebody, you kind of take on their spirit. You're with a white woman right now? Are you saying you steal somebody's soul whenever you have sex with them? That's crazy, dude. You banging a white chick now? I'm in between white women right now. How many are in your rotation? Me, TD. I just let two of them go, and I got one that I'm white women right now. How many are in your rotation? Me, TD.

I just let two of them go, and I got one that I'm working on right now. When you say let them go, are they being held captive? Is that your felony? Yeah. You know, I go lie. My dick long enough to kind of tie them up. They get tied up. You ever talk, Michael?

How far back can you talk? Can I talk? Talk. Talk. What's talk? Talk your dick, man. Oh, like that. I ain't mean to get into this kind of conversation about my dick.

Really? You didn't mean to? I mean, you said your dick was so big that you could tie him up. You didn't want to start this conversation? You are right. You're talking about said your dick was so big that you could tie him up. You didn't want to start this conversation? You are right. You're talking about tying your dick up. Tell us how far you can put it between your legs. It depends.

Can you put a tail behind your legs? You opened it, motherfucker. Are you tying them up around their waist, or are you tying them up like their wrists together, or something like that? Like, how much can you tie? The thing with tying a girl up with your dick, you have to stay there.

Not Michael. Not Michael. Not Michael. His is much longer than that. Well, it depends on what supplement I'm on, you know. I knew you were a supplementer. When you came out here, I thought, this guy, he supplements. I mean. He does.

I do the 7-Eleven, one of the cheap ones. You take vitamins every day? Yeah, actually. What's the one vitamin you can't be without? I would have to say vitamin. Pretty much, bacon. No, I would have to say vitamin C. Vitamin C is your go-to.

And you said a second ago you could. And how do you get that, in a pill or an orange? 7-Eleven. I go buy that packet, the clear packet. 7-Eleven vitamins. Like, what do they get you to do? Like, do they even increase your energy at all? I told you I got some misdemeanors.

That's from the vitamins at 7-Eleven. Kind of throw off your energy a little bit. Maybe you're just eating Pop Rocks. I grew up with Pop Rocks, man. They don't sell them no more. Don't they have like cancer or some shit? No, they replaced it with Crack Rocks. I tell you, I checked into a hotel once a couple years ago,

and there was a plate of cookies there because of Big Star. And I started eating one of the cookies, and they had Pop Rocks in it. I didn't know it. I was going through some anxiety at that time in my life. I started eating it, and I could feel it, like, popping in my mouth. I go, what the heck is going on? I called downstairs. I said, is there a medic in the hospital?

Something's going on with my mouth. Michael? That was pretty good. Oh, shit. Michael, what do you do for a job? I get that all the time. I'm like most comedians where I'm at right now. I'm getting paid off for unemployment.

I used to have one. What was your used to job? Tech. I used to do IT. With a lot of nerds. I got tired of adjusting my blackness. You have to adjust your blackness? Yeah. I can't be like... You just gotta leave that big dick

at home when you go to work. IT, you mean you fix people's computers and things? Geek Squad? Quality assurance. Like, I help people out with their, you know, web pages and stuff like that. Look at the code and see, like, all right, that's fucked up. You think you're more qualified to work at the Genius Bar at Apple or at the Geek Squad at Best Buy? Probably the Geek Squad.

Only more right. Apple's too much responsibility for me Because Alright I ain't gonna pass the background Check out Apple Because Because Michael because Do you think it was smart to quit a job

That you actually got It seems so hard for you to Con smart to quit a job that you actually got? It seems so hard for you to con your way into a job. You should have kept this one. Well, actually, I didn't quit. Like, you know, they let me go. Did they even know you were there? Yeah, they knew I was there.

Retied up? They knew I was there. A lot of letting go tonight. A lot of letting go. What's your living situation? I have my own apartment. You have your own apartment? Yeah.

I rent the front room out on Airbnb sometimes. Or I may move a white chick in, you know, have her pay the bills. So your life just, like, revolves around white chicks. It does. It does. Like, for example, let's be honest here. You don't have to be silly. I want to know the real Michael Scott. Okay. For example, let's be honest here. You don't have to be silly. I want to know the real Michael Scott. How many women are you currently hooking up with?

Honestly, I'm working on one. About four hours ago, I let another one go. That's one. Okay, four hours ago. I didn't really ask what's the most recent one. How many are in your rotation, Michael? I got about three in a rotation. Three? Three in a rotation.

One that I'm seriously working on, and if she actually hear this, if I end up getting with her, I'm going to let everybody else go. Somebody's not getting bacon in the morning. They like the unemployment? They're okay with that? I mask that until I hypnotize them with

the dick. Then I tell them, all right. Is it a black ski mask? So you're hypnotizing them and thenize them with the dick. Then I tell them, all right. Is it a black ski mask? So you're hypnotizing them and then taking them to the basement? Yeah, to the basement. Actually, my apartment, it used to be a washroom basement, and they turned it into an apartment and decided to charge me. Is it still a washroom that you just called an apartment? No, it's pretty fixed up, and they charge me $1,600 a month for it.

Michael, what's the one quality you look for in a woman? aside from gullibility Job stability jobs can't fuck with you if you ain't got no job Oh, you like a girl with a job. Okay. It can't be two of us thing. I'm like You can't Say that up front. Oh No, I don't tell them that, you know. So honesty's important in your relationships.

Yeah, from them. They got to be honest with me, you know. I'm honest with them, but it, like, comes along in time. Like, you know, after about three months, you're going to know everything about me, but it's not like. You got to work hard. They got to earn you. You have any tricks that you do to.

This is not a magician. Do you have any tricks that you do to... This is not a magician. Do you have any tricks that you do in the bedroom with these white ladies to get them to always make you bacon? Yeah, I got certain kind of moves, man. Like what do you do? Teach me. All right, man. You got the whole... You really want to know.

You got the whole legs over the head. You know what I mean? The whole legs over the head. Legs what I mean? The whole legs over the head. Legs over the head. What else? Come on. Legs over the head. I haven't made any particular names of these sexual positions.

I mean, legs over the head sounds sexy. Yeah, legs over the head as long as, you know. What are you doing right there? What did you just do with your hands? Like, you put it. And then you go like that? You put them on a shelf after you fuck them? What are you doing with your hands?

You hold on to them? It's like me taking a leg, and I'm, like, pushing it up. Yeah. And then, like, I try to... You slam dunk it? I try to get as much... Looks like you're about to dive in. Do that again.

Like Superman. And then what do you do, Michael? Then, you know, I jam it in as far as I can get it. It's the angle. It's the angle. You know what I mean? He just made us see. He has no idea what's going on and he actually did it.

He puts her in the overhead compartment of the airplane. I'm not trying to give up all my secrets Michael, you ever think you might have killed somebody? If I did, I did not know about it Good answer, we'll see you in court There he goes, Michael Scott everybody Nice to meet you Michael

He's on Twitter at MovieMikeScott That's an interesting Twitter handle Movie Mike I kind of want to double date with him That'd be fun right I'll just show up with two hot white bitches You'd be the one with the job You guys having fun out there This looks interesting.

You open those up like a fortune cookie. I get excited every time, too. I'm excited about this one because I love bad handwriting. It's always one extreme. It's either crazy or a genius. So here we go. This all looks like one word because it's all continuous. So I'm just going to say it as it's written.

Sethosala. Put your hands together for Sethusala. Oh, my God. Sethusala. Oh, geez. There we go. Sethusala, everybody. Oh, boy.

Oh, my God. Make some noise for Seth Ussler everyone. It's Seth Ussler. I woke up this morning. I need to be my age, there's not much to do but think about death and masturbate. That's why my room's covered in dust. I'm doing pretty well for my age. You know how not to get sick? Don't go to the doctor. I got a couple of cats.

My nephew says I have hashtag pussy probs. I don't like hashtags. Now I got pussy probs. Oh, boy. Seth Usula, everybody. Seth Usula. Seth Usula. All right, now we're talking.

Boy, oh, boy. Now grab the microphone, Seth Usula, because you're on a show soon. Oh, okay. Now, you were on the show a few weeks ago. I was. Didn't go so good. It was my nephew, Seth Rowe. Right.

That was a younger clown? He's my nephew. He's autistic. Right, right. And then there's Seth, the other guy. It's Seth, the other guy. That was the normal guy. That's you without the clown nose is what we learned.

He's somewhere around here. Oh, boy. Yeah, we're so compelled by this story. Boy, are we going to see him? Are we not? Oh, boy. Yeah, we're so compelled by this story that, well, are we going to see him? Are we not? Oh, boy. What? After that unbelievable performance, I mean, who knows what can happen.

Is this a character that you're doing or is this really you? What? This is like being in the break room of a Target. Huh? I guess it is. I've never been in the break room of a Target. It's just like this. This seems like what it would be like.

A break room of a Target. Okay. Yeah. All right. What do you want to know? Not much. I really don't like characters on the show that much. Should we just move on?

Because there's no honesty and stuff, so it gets boring quick. Let's just move on. So let's do it. Seth Ussala. There he goes, everybody. We're going to meet somebody else. All right. That's the first time that anybody's ever been on stage as long as it took them to get on stage.

So for those of you playing Kill Tony, bingo. You can mark your card. He stayed in character. I like that. that anybody's ever been on stage as long as it took them to get on stage. So that's a... For those of you playing Kill Tony, bingo. You can mark your card on there. He stayed in character. I like that. He really stayed in character. That's true. Hopefully he loses the character after this. You can go back and have it.

Hey. Hey. Got a real smart mouth on you, old man. Funny as shit he said. That was nice, dude He got me good Son of a bitch How old do you think he was, Tony? He was very old

Very old man Very old How old are you, Sethus? 79 79 was Of course he picked one of the least funny numbers in the world Not much numbers as unfunny as 79. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Neil Gosch. Neil Gosch? I don't see any movement. I think people go to the wrong room sometimes. There's probably somebody up in the belly room right now named Neil Gosch that's like, man, I hope this show calls my name. That's what I heard happens, and it's some book show.

How about Elvis Mujic? Is that a real person? Elvis Mujic? Uh-oh. Make some noise, everybody, for Elvis Mujic. Come on. Thank you, thank you. I live in a minivan. I live in a minivan. I live in a minivan named Beyonce.

And surprisingly, I still have sex. It's kind of ridiculous. I feel obligated to scold women the next day. Like, you've got to make better decisions. You can't be fucking a guy who lives in a minivan. You've got to think about your future, you know? Like, where are you going in life? I went to the doctor, and I got real sick because living in a van sucks.

Doctor's like, are you exercising? I'm like, I go to the gym every day. It's like, well, what are you doing there? Why? I just shower and I sometimes I cry in the shower. Living in a van sucks, but I'm doing it. I feel like I'm kind of like a fortunate homeless person though. And I'm kind of, I feel kind of, feel kind of bad that I'm gentrifying Skid Row. You know, it's just sad. Can't really smoke crack like you used to there, you know? Back in your tent. All right, living in a van.

Living in a van. Named Beyonce. All right, let's see. I've been doing that for three years, so the last three years... Oh, damn it. Thank God. Elvis Mujic. Am I saying that correctly? Mujic.

Yeah, that's right. Mujic? Not Irish? Bosnian. Is your van like a van or like one of those big awesome family vans? No, dude, it's a minivan. Living in your van. Now, very rarely on this show has anyone ever just had their premise also be their punchline.

Does that make sense at all? No, it doesn't. Living in a van. At least it's not down by the river. Sometimes. And you've been in this van for three years? Is that what you said? Three years and four months.

And do you have to move it to a different spot every night? I just kind of plan where I'm going to do stand-up the next day. Is it a stand with a sliding door? Two sliding doors. Two? Wow. On the left and on the right? Yes.

Oh, my goodness. The trunk opens up automatically, too. Double penetration, dude. Do you have roommates? Sometimes I let homeless people sleep under the van. It's pretty nice. Under the van? Do you run over them or are they just...

No, I just kind of like get up. Have you ever been harassed at night by anybody? Police and stuff? Twice. But no, it's a minivan. That's kind of why I picked a minivan. To kind of stay incognito and shit. Now, do you have to live in this minivan?

Could you get an apartment? Yeah, but then I'd have to work. Do you have a job? No. GameStop. No. Okay, what? How much money do you have? Why GameStop? I don't know.

Like $100 maybe? Looks like a GameStop at a Target green light. He just looks like a GameStop guy. Are you all right? Why are you staring at me like that? I'm just taking it in, man. Oh, okay. Good, good, good.

Are you a little paranoid? No, I'm good. Are you? No, he's not. He's a professional. I'm the opposite of paranoid. I'm just giving you a look. Just taking it in.

Oh, okay. Thank you. How old is the van? 2008. What old is the van? 2008. What kind is it? It's an 07 Dodgeman Caravan SXT. I was looking at you because you look good.

You look like you don't need to be living in a minivan unless you want to. I guess. It's kind of motivating too. You think it's romantic, correct? No. Do you ever get a girl back to. You think it's romantic, correct? No. Do you ever get a girl back to your minivan to make love to her? Yeah.

Does she make you bacon in the morning? No, I only fuck black chicks that don't eat bacon. Is that true? Is anything you say true? Yeah, it's all true. My van's actually up in the hills right now. When did you come here from Bosnia? 97.

19? 97. 19? 97? 1997. 1997. Have you always lived in cars? No. I started stand-up in Detroit and I was like, I want to be on the road. What kind of car were you in there in Detroit? A Buick.

It was a house. What's the most Bosnian thing about you? Besides living in a minivan. Yeah. You ever see a rock on the sidewalk and just pick it up and throw it or something like that? No, it's Middle Eastern.

Most Bosnian thing? I guess half my family's dead. Wow, that got a room full of cheers in another room. Yeah. So you're from the city of Bosnia? No,

it's a country. In, yeah. Do you know a guy named Garrett? No, I know.

Garrett? Yeah, Garrett, yeah, yeah. Tall guy. Played basketball? He was a good basketball player.

Garrett? Garrett. No, I don't know Garrett. Salub, Played basketball. He was a good basketball player. Garrett? Garrett. No, I don't know Garrett. Goes by G-Spot? Salub Garrett. Salub. Is that a real person? Yeah, Salub Garrett plays for the Bosnian Raptors.

I think it's a Raptor. You nailed it. Absolutely. The Bosnian Raptors indeed. Elvis, you have the same first name as the king of rock and roll that died on... Is it weird having the same name as a guy that died on a toilet when you don't own one? I know. When's the last time you had a toilet?

Three years ago. Well, I don't know. If I have a girlfriend, I kind of use her toilet. I use them as a toilet. Do you have a gym membership? Is that how you shower? I'm kidding. But listen

Here's the problem Yeah Because you make it like When you do your jokes You make it like Living in a minivan Is a bad thing But the truth is

You love it You have made this choice So Yeah It kind of defeats the purpose It's not a bad thing to you Do you think one day Maybe you'll

Get rid of the minivan and get a regular size van? Yeah. Or put that minivan in a garage of a house? I'd like to live on a tour bus. What's the making model again? Do you have the minivan on you now? No, it's nearby though. What's the making model again?

What's the making model of your fucking van, dude? Dodge Grand Caravan. It's a Dodge. Yeah, it's a Dodge. SXT. That's good equipment. And registration, you're up to date with everything?

Everything's current? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your license plate number? Uh, yeah. Anyway. It sounds like you're doing exactly what you ought to be doing. Yeah, I am. Do you ever worry that while you're sleeping at night, you make a tote away?

Yes, I do. Often worry. Actually, I do often worry about that. That would be my biggest fear. Yeah. I worry about Do you ever worry that while you're sleeping at night, you make it towed away? Yes, I do. Actually, I do often worry about that. That would be my biggest fear. Yeah. I worry about a lot of shit. You don't watch TV at all? No. Just when you're in a bar or something?

Yeah, if I have to, yeah. You have nice sheets? Good thread count? Not really. You have a housekeeper? A carkeeper? You're slumming it? Yeah.

When it comes to sheets, you're slumming it. No, no, I do. I do. Is that your loving caravan? Yeah, yeah. Is there a hot plate in there? No, no, I do Tender loving caravan Yeah, yeah Is there a hot plate in there? No, I just I have a fridge

Ooh, a cold plate Yeah, I have a fridge With a bunch of ice I eat terrible food I'm not But you eat out a lot, right? No, never You never eat?

No, I never eat out I have a bunch of food in a fridge And then I eat it You don't eat out Do you toss the salad? Yeah, I lick I lick a bunch of homeless people's fridge and then I eat it you don't eat out do you toss the salad yeah I lick I lick a bunch of homeless people's buttholes all the time

very good Elvis do you ever get a girl back to the van yeah yeah how does that go down you just slide well duct tape and

you slide the door open and you're like come on do you know other people that live in vans too is there like a community out there yeah unfortunately yeah I do. There's Little Tokyo and Little Italy. Is there a little van somewhere? Yeah, there's Little Skid Row with a bunch of people

living in it. Well, there's Mini Italy, Mini Tokyo. Van Nice. Van Bernardino. Inland Empire. Yeah. What's your dream? Van Francisco. What's your dream? To be able to make enough money from stand-up to not live in a van. Where do you want to live?

New Orleans. I like New Orleans. New Orleans. Yeah, I love New Orleans. But you don't want to work, though. You said that. You don't have a job? No, I don't.

So you just want to get out of the van. You don't have an idea of a house or a family? No, I just want to do stand-up. You just want to do stand-up. You just want to do stand-up. And you're set on living in a van until you make enough money only doing stand-up. So like seven or ten years, if that happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long have you been doing it again?

Five to six years. Who was your favorite comic in Bosnia? There's none. Me. There's no comedians in Bosnia? No, I don't think so. No. They would be funny.

They would be really funny. Son of a bitch. He's struggling. I like prior, you know, Chappelle. I like a lot of comics, man. Dad van. I'm still here, you fuck! Joelberg.

All right, Elvis. What's something interesting about you that we'd be surprised to know? I got a full scholarship to a pretty good school. Where, Vanderbilt? No. The school is actually called a pretty good school. It is. Yeah, it's not bad.

I tried to go to Carver, but they wouldn't. Amherst College. Amherst College, Massachusetts. Zolberg's warming up over there. Look out, we're on Zolberg. Zolberg. Did you graduate from college? I didn't do my finals.

I left. I thought I would come back, but I hiked the Appalachian Trail. That's interesting. And then I did stand-up. How far did you go? I cut across the Appalachian Trail once. Georgia to Maine. Five months. Five nights? Five months.

How many miles? 2,200. A little under that. Do you see anybody else out on the trail? Yeah, all the time. Yeah, a lot of meth heads. A lot of good people. What did you learn out there? Don't give up. I think it's Don't give up. Don't give up?

Yeah, don't give up. I think it's time to give up. When was the last time you slept in a really nice hotel bed? Oh, man. I don't know. Months ago. I got really sick. That's true. I got really sick.

Carbon monoxide poisoning? No, I was sleeping. Sorry, man. Sorry. I got the flu. Do you ever eat mini hot dogs? Do you have carbon monoxide poisoning? No, I was... I wasn't sleeping. Sorry, man. Sorry. I got the flu. Do you ever eat mini hot dogs? Do you have insurance? On the van?

No, insurance like medical insurance? No, of course not. No. What did you get sick with? I was staying up, so I was writing at night, and I got dehydrated. And I had the flu and an ear infection. Flu and ear infection. Oh, that's the worst.

You got a van, sir? Yeah, it was terrible. You got what? I had an ear, and I had the flu and an ear infection. Flu and ear infection. That's the worst. You got Vanser? Yeah, it was terrible. You got what? I had an ear infection and the flu. I passed out in the bathroom at my gym. It was very sad. Wow. All right, here's my suggestion as a friend.

Oh, my God. Okay. Did you know he was your friend? I do now. I am your friend. I love you. Here's what you need to do. Okay.

Okay? Yeah. Downsize. I love you. Here's what you need to do. Okay. Okay? Yeah. Downsize. No. No. Here's what you need to do. Okay. What's below a minivan?

No, listen. A minibike. I want you to get a job because you're a smart motherfucker. Okay. Get a little apartment, a single or some shitty little apartment. You park your van out front and you write jokes in the apartment. You get some stability. You're a smart guy.

You can rent out the van as an Airbnb. Yeah, you can. How do they do that in New York? He's fucking right. I think you're doing this because you think it's romantic and you like to tell people. Do you want to know the real reason I'm doing it? Yeah. Okay, so if I have a job, I have to work all the time. I can't do enough stand-up.

I can't write enough. It's hard to actually get on stage if you have a job. We all got to find time. Can I tell you what I did, Elvis? Yeah, what did you do? There's a place called, I don't know if it's around still, but Temporary Help, Manpower. You can work one or two days a week and work whenever you want and then

have your nights off. Make enough money to get a real shitty apartment. But I'd rather you be in a shitty apartment than saying I live in a van because you think it's sexy. Lunch shift at the Olive Garden will pay for a one-bedroom apartment. Get some roommates.

Where there's a will, there's a wave. We're all computers. Life is meaningless. I'm just saying you're a smart guy and you know you're slacking on purpose. I don't think I'm slacking, man. Were you crazy when you were in college?

Were you like Van Wilder? No, no. My major was philosophy. I just like learning. Did you get bit by another guy who owned a van and then you become a vampire? Yes. Drop the glasses.

Elvis, you were kidding with half of your family's dead? Or is that true? No, that's true. Is it from war-torn Bosnia? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, no, I'm sorry to hear that. No, no, it's fine. I never knew him.

That's not Bosnia music. Years and years ago, yeah, I went back. I haven't been back in like 10 years. Forget about them, Elvis. We'll just have a conversation. Elvis, let me ask you a question. Have you ever been driving behind an ambulance and you see

the stretcher that's through the window in the back of an ambulance and you're like, man, that makes me really want to get some sleep. Because there's a stretcher. Yeah, a few days ago. You take anything to sleep at night? No. No.

Would you like something? Sure. What do you got? Do you drink? Not really. I used to smoke a lot of weed. I don't smoke weed anymore. You ever think about going gluten-free?

Sometimes, yeah. What's something that we'd be surprised to know about you, Elvis? I feed homeless people every day. You feed homeless people? Yeah. And then you go back and sleep in a van? Yeah, I like it a lot. Wow. Do homeless people ever homeless people? Yeah. And then you go back and sleep in a van? Yeah, I like it a lot. Wow. Do homeless people ever

feed you? Yeah. I hang out with homeless people all the time. Is that true? I let a homeless lady sleep in my van for 30 minutes and I watched her sleep. Why did you point to the blowjob area when you said sleep? Like, I let a lady sleep on this dick. Elvis, where's the best parking place overnight in

LA? Not here and anywhere but around here. You can't be in all the areas. Like in Sherman Oaks? Yeah, maybe. Sherman Oaks is fine. Anywhere around like West LA or West Hollywood, I mean, and all that shit. Oh, that's good. Hollywood Hills?

You can, but I feel so creeped out sleeping up there. Just be careful out there, man. Just be careful out there, man. Just be careful. I think Kirk is worried about you. I think he really likes you. He really is, man. You never feed the homeless people any jokes, do you? Does your mother or father...

Are your mother and father alive? I'm done standing up for homeless people. Huh? Are your mother and father alive? Yeah, yeah, they're alive. Do they call you? All the time, yeah. Do you have your phone in the van?

My dad doesn't know I live in a van. He just doesn't want to know. I'm telling him. Don't tell him. Don't you tell him. Smoke's a good thing. Your mother knows, and he'll hear about it. Yeah.

All right, real quick, Elvis. We've got 70 more questions about vans for you. Yeah, I know, right? What is it? What do you got? If you could have any van, which van would you like? Dude, there's some really nice, you know, like the fancy black, white. I don't know.

There's like sprinter vans that are like brand new. There's a Mercedes van you could live in. Do you ever open up both sliding doors and just drive like fuck it, wherever it all ends up, life is good? Anything like that? Like while you were at the Appalachian Trail? Not yet. That's a good question, Tony.

I was going to ask you, do you have a driver for the van? No, do you know a guy? Yeah, I'll drive it. All right, let's do it. No, no driver, just me. What kind of weapon do you have in that van to protect yourself? As you clinch onto that. I had a bat.

A bat? I had a bat for a while. Like the animal? Hanging upside down in your van? Aluminum bat. Nothing really? I had a bat for a while. Like the animal? No, I had a... Hanging upside down in your van? Aluminum bat. Nothing really? Okay, go fuck yourselves, guys. I guess I'm picturing a bat hanging from a fucking van.

Is it funny? Bat van? You have a bat in case someone comes in there and tries to take some of your shit? I don't have it anymore. I got rid of it. You have a bat in case somebody throws a baseball at you? Yeah. Do you have a van in case somebody throws a van at you?

I'm not responding to that How do you say your last name again? Muich Muich Muich Muich Yeah It's tricky

When you have to say your last name five times I would change it Really? Your parents have a lot of money? No What do they do? My dad have a lot of money? No. What do they do? My dad's a truck driver and my mom works in a grocery store. You got brothers and sisters?

I have a brother, yeah. What does he do? He's an asshole. What does he do? Successful as a family? No. Sounds like your family's intact. They didn't all die.

Yeah, the immediate family's good. Everybody else is kind of... Yeah, everyone's... Secondary family's dead. Yeah didn't all die. Yeah, the immediate family's good. Everybody else is kind of... Yeah, everyone's secondary family's dead. Yeah, fuck them. Okay, speed round. What's your favorite band? Van Halen. What's your favorite shoe?

Vans. What was the first thing that came to your mind whenever you saw Kevin Nealon? I'm your biggest fan. There, you got it. Yeah, that's it. You go to the dentist? No. When was the last time You go to the dentist? No.

When was the last time you went to the dentist? Years ago. I don't know. You got a colonoscopy lately? Actually, a few years ago. I got pretty sick. At that time that you got sick, did you go see a doctor? Yeah, of course. I had to.

You had to get antibiotics. Yeah, it fucked me up. Antibiotics. Last one. I don't know if it is. Since Jeremiah wanted to say 70 more van jokes, 70 more van questions, I think we should follow through.

Don't teach me that lesson, bro. Are there biotics you could take? There's probiotics. That's the yogurt shit. Probiotics are the biotics That's an interesting... There's probiotics. Probiotics. Yeah, that's the yogurt shit. Probiotics are the biotics that do it for a living. I know there's the biotic man. Elvis, it was nice to meet you, buddy. There he goes.

Elvis. You eat. He's very vanguard, that's for sure. I think he's going to be very, very, very... There he goes. Very good. I have a feeling he lives in a house. Yeah.

He just has a Van Gogh artwork. I want to get him a new van. Uh-oh. I want to. Uh-oh. I want to. Yeah, there's a few things you have to give me first. Uh-oh.

Inside joke going on over here. Man, you guys. I mean, if you hand out vans, I'd like a 911. A 911 van. You know what, Kevin? I just realized there's one thing I forgot to tell you. There's one comedian who goes on not out of the bucket. She does a brand new 60 Seconds every single week.

A brand new 60 Seconds? Okay. So she doesn't come out of the bucket. She's just a regular on the show. It's something we've always done. So she writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Put your hands together for the great

Ali Bukowski, ladies and gentlemen. I'm wearing a Van Halen shirt. Oh, boy. I had to delete my Bumble account. I don't know if it's a dating app, Bumble, but I had to delete it. I was disappointed because my favorite guys aren't even on Bumble.

I'm really into beekeepers. There's none on there. And the bad thing about Bumble is that the girl has to make the move first. So the girl has to message the guy. And my first question was, hey, do you like bees?

No one. So I had to delete it naturally. I did like my bio on Bumble, though. My bio was on here looking for my dad in love. I feel like there's a lot of sexual tension between me and my dad. Just because he says inappropriate things to me all the time, like I'm his friend and not his daughter. I called him the other day and I said, hey dad, what are you doing? And he was like, oh, I'm with my girlfriend Karen who lives in New Jersey with her husband, we're going to hop in the shower.

And I was like, are you negging me? Okay, great. There you go. Allie McCoskey, ladies and gentlemen. I don't believe that you're into beekeepers. Yeah, I think the whole audience didn't believe that. Yeah, it wasn't. Yeah, that was sort of my point, Brian,

with the whole thing that I just said. Right. Yeah. It was just a new minute, and I like that it's called Bumble, and it has absolutely nothing to do with bees. But the part about the bio straight into your dad, and that's all good. Thanks. Are you really on Bumble? I was, yeah, briefly.

Oh, you really did delete it. Yeah. Wow. Do you ever go to a bar looking to meet somebody, and then it's just ridiculous, and you say, I'm going to go home and go on Bumble and see if that happens? Well, what I like to do is if I'm at a bar and I see someone cute that I don't want to talk to,

I'll open a dating app and see it. I'll change my radius to, like, one mile, and I'll just swipe until I find them. What's your radius now? Well, I deleted it. It's off. But you changed it to a mile. Was it, like's your radius now? Well, I deleted it. It's off. But you changed it to a mile. Was it like 100 yards before?

No, no, no. It was like a window. I would change it to like three miles because I want someone nearby, you know? Someone in a van by any chance? Yeah. It's like delivery. My father-in-law is divorced

and he's going on the dating websites and he started off with just a mile radius and then nothing happened and then he increased it to like five miles the next week and then it kept getting bigger and bigger I think it's like 3,000 miles now he'll take somebody

he's dating the Bosnian guy's mom right now Bumble I've never heard of Bumble I'm dating the Bosnian guy's mom right now. Bumble. I've never heard of Bumble. Yeah. Yeah, there's so many. I'm waiting to get them. There's another one.

It's more exclusive. It's called Raya. And that's for like the Hollywood hot people. And I got declined the first time. But I'm trying again. You can't do it. You can? Why can't you just meet someone? I mean, you're pretty and smart.

What's your fucking problem? I don't know. I feel like I'm very predatory with guys. In what way? Like you spray on them? Like remember AJ? Do you remember AJ from like two weeks ago? AJ Carter?

Oh, yeah, the one that you kissed on stage. It was a big deal. Yeah, I like harassed him, and I think it was just like a little too much. Obviously, I'm going to ask, what do you mean by harassed? So I found him on all social media, and I tweeted him.

I found him on Facebook. I messaged him. Why would you do that? Because I just want it now. I need immediate validation. What's the validation that you're looking for? Like sex? What's good is I got my answer to why

aren't you meeting men. That's the right sound, by the way. Yes, there it is. I think I just want everyone to want to fuck me. Don't you get laid a good amount? No, not that much. Really?

I'm not a bad amount. You seem so cool. You're pretty. You're cool. Dude, I'm super cool. But these comedians, you're not interested in like the people that you work with? No, I am. I'm interested in everyone. That one guy, Michael Scott.

Did you guys not notice he was wearing a Michael Scott t-shirt? Yeah. He was hot, but he left. How do you know he left? Because I saw him leave. See, I got my eye. I'm like, I stare at people until they notice me. And that's not enough.

I got to tell you, it's interesting. You have a quality where you just lean your pussy out. That's how you talk. It's like, smell this. You got to try and go just lean your pussy out. That's how you talk. It's like, smell this. You got to try and go more straight up there. It's minus that eight. Yeah.

I got a lot of pussy issues. Like what? It's just it never smells quite right. That's old cum. You got to get that out of there. You can smell it from up there? Yeah. That far away?

You know what? You should date a beekeeper. They're okay with that. They have a lot of honey. And they have a net around their head so they won't have to worry about it. And then recently I thought I had skin tags near my vagina. Oh no.

And I looked it up. HPV. But I got the vaccine for that. So I'm just confused. Maybe I just have an ugly puss that doesn't want to be seen. No, that's herpes. No, it's not herpes. I got tested for that.

I got to tell you, it's not going to stop Michael Scott. You can't test herpes unless there's an outbreak, just so you know. Oh, tight. Well, I'll get tested again. Are you sure there's skin tags by your vagina and not price tags? Hello. Yes. This pussy going once, going twice.

Last time you got laid, how did that go down? I had a threesome. That's still been that long? Yeah. How many people? As sexual as you know, that's been like three weeks.

So you had a threesome? Yeah, I met them on a dating app and then I deleted the dating app after and they just messaged... Was that dating app Plenty of Plenty of Plenty of Fish? It's a threesome, you fucking idiots. Thank you, Brian. It was just regular Tinder,

but then they messaged me the other day asking what was up, so I guess my puss still got it. Let me ask you this. When you do... Okay, all right, I guess... Okay. Stop whatever that is.

When you do a threesome and they text you, is it always a group text message? No. I have it saved as both of their names, but it's just the guys. Was it a guy and two girls or two girls? It was a guy and his girlfriend. And one cup.

Nothing real. Wow, I'm just surprised. Was the girl in a wheelchair? What's the most people you'd have sex with? An entire hive. I don't know. It was a B-sum. A B-sum.

A B-sum, yeah. Do they ever say, tag, you're it? Does Kevin's feet smell? What? No, no. Of course not. People tell me they smell like pussy but there's a reason for that foot fetish

well that's interesting did you respond to the threesome group well yeah and then they were like sorry lost all my contacts who is this and then I was like what am I doing I don't want to sleep with them again. So then I just deleted it.

I don't want to. I want to be abstinent. You do? Yeah. Well, I'm going on a pill. You're doing all the right stuff. You're going from a threesome to a lonesome. Yeah.

Make sure your vagina keeps smelling weird and you'll always be able to practice abstinence. No, it still works. It still works. You guys are into that, right? I'm exaggerating. You guys out there love a smelly pussy. Make some noise. Old cum. Old cum that needs to be scooped out. You like that smell? It's not always. It just

sometimes, you know, has a little artistic creativity. Do you bathe? Do you know? Yeah, yeah. Sometimes. Have you tried dude wipes? I don't like to bathe that often.

Well, that could be the reason why there's a scent down low. When you say bathe, do you mean shower? I mean shower, yeah. Oh, my God. This is not good. How often do you shower? Enough. When was your last shower?

Since the threesome? Probably like two days ago. Wow. I like put off showering for as long as possible. I do like a whore's bath with baby wipes and stuff. That's called a stripper shower. And it's supposed to be in a bathroom. I got something for you.

It's called a dude wash. Or get some paper towels and some windex. I'll tell Mark Cuban that. I love Mark Cuban. I'm very into old men. Well, he needs a... He can't have a smelly pussy. Well, now I'm never going to get fucked.

I know a guy that lives in a van that'll fuck the shit out of him. You know what the bad news is? She's going to use a dude wipe before me. It's going to get lost. She's not. I'm going to need that back after. Who knows? Hey, I have a question.

Yeah? What is it, man? Okay. Oh, God. Ukulele. All right. He does not have a question, it turns out. It was just an artistic

maneuver. Allie, anything else crazy happen in this past week? Not really. I don't know. I went to a Green Day concert. How was that? It was great. I thought I fell in love with the guy standing in front of me and he was like, you know, there was a lot of people.

He thought you were a basket case. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. No, Brian. Brian, I mean, it's like... Did that song remind you of the guy? Yeah, I mean, I kept like holding trying to hold his hand.

What? Are you serious? Yes. And what did he do? He kept. Okay. Brian. Oh, my God. All right. Good Lord. So when you tried to grab the guy's hand, what did you do? I got to tell you, I'm going to be honest with you. I think you're going to be a real big star.

You're funny and smart. Once you get your vagina all cleaned up. Yeah, that's an easy fix. I'm not worried. It's an easy fix. Play hard to get. You'll be just fine. I have no worries about you.

Thank you. Shower regularly, though. I worries about you shower regularly though I don't like to you have to find ways to make you enjoy get a swimming pool just dive in occasionally there's like not a soap that you like that makes you feel good I have a good soap I got a good exfoliating sponge

no I don't you'll feel better about yourself if you're clean. Do you ever dab it down there and then smell it? No, no, no, stop. You don't? Not when I'm in the shower. Why would I smell it when I'm in the shower? It's the most neutral smell in the shower.

Ellie. I want to know what it's like when it's the worst. Ellie, have you... I don't think your shower is neutral for some reason. All right, there she goes. Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. We did it. Kill Tony.

What's this episode? What are we calling this? 20-something? 205. 205, baby. Just flying through it. That was fun. You guys have anything you want to promote?

The great Kevin Nealon. Thank you so much. Make some noise for motherfucking Kevin Nealon. Lazy ass crowd tonight. Kevin, anything you want to promote or anything? Well, Tony, I'm on a little show called Man with a Plan on CBS. It's actually on tonight. Yeah.

At 8.30. It was on. Every Monday night with Matt LeBlanc from Friends. Awesome. And you were nice enough to be here with us. Thank you so much. Man with a Plan on CBS every Monday at 8. Awesome. And you were nice enough to be here with us. Thank you so much. Man with a Plan on CBS every Monday at 8.30. The great Kirk Fox.

Just happy to be here, Tony. No one needs to follow me or watch. We're all right. One of my favorite people on Twitter, the great Kirk Fox. And follow him definitely. And Kevin Dillon. Wow, look at that drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. It's a Wild West version of us.

You guys see that? That's fucking crazy. All these prints from Ryan J. Ebelt. It's a Wild West version of us. You guys see that? That's fucking crazy. All these prints from Ryan J. Ebelt are unbelievable. I highly recommend, at minimum, you go to his website and check them out. All the different guests, all the different shows. Jeremiah Watkins, locked and loaded. Can't wait to plug his social media. You can reach out to him and he'll literally respond back.

Go ahead, Jeremiah. Yeah, dude, it's true, man. I'm at Jeremiah's stand-up. I've got a lot of time on my hands, and I'll say what's up back. Check out Stand Up on the Spot every second Tuesday of the month here at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room. And, yeah, my boy Patty Reagan, at Patty Reagan on Twitter, and at Mostly Sorry, and at Chroma Chris on Instagram.

Please put your hands together one more time for the band, everybody, right? I love them so much. Pat Reagan's most recent album is available on absolutely everything. You know, I've been looking for a reason to live and I just can't find one yet.

Brian Redband and I are both going to be in Austin, Texas. Not this weekend, but next weekend. Yeah, the 22nd and then Houston the 23rd. That's right. So if you're in Texas, come see us there. Those are going to be live Kill Tonys and a lot of fun. Live audience tonight. Thank you so much for coming out. I love you guys.

Have a good night. We'll see you soon music music music music music music music music music music music I get up And nothing gets me down

You got it tough I seem to have a soul. you