KILL TONY - KILL TONY #206

Episode Date: April 21, 2017

Jeff Danis, Ryan O'Neill, Jeremiah Watkins, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 04/17/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Special announcement this weekend texas kill tony we're coming to you austin texas is sold out saturday april 22nd unless you have a moon tower pass it's a comedy festival you can still get in if you have a moon tower uh pass uh the individual tickets are sold out the following day april 23rd we are doing kill tony in houston texas that's right me and tony jeremiah watkins will be there josh martin uh we're going to have special guests it's going to be a lot of fun tickets are selling really fast really fast for that. So if you want that, you better get it now. That's this Sunday, April 23rd. And then following Kill Tony,

right after Kill Tony, we have a secret show. And if you've heard of us have secret shows all the time here in Los Angeles, now's your chance if you live in Houston, Texas to see a secret show. And this is a comedy show. We're doing stand-up comedy. It's me, Louis J. Gomez. Louis J. Gomez from Legion of Skanks is going to be there. Jeremiah Watkins, Lucas Hurl, Josh Martin, and secret guests, including maybe a golden po-po-po. You know who I'm trying to say. I can't tell you because I'm not allowed to. But, of course, he's going to be one of the secret guests. There's a lot of comedians in town that night, so we're going to have a lot of secret guests, I feel.

So come to the secret show following Kill Tony this Sunday, April 23rd. Secret show's at 10 o'clock. Kill Tony's at 8 o'clock. All right. And then we also have, if you live in Los Angeles, April 26th, Wednesday, we'll be at the Laugh Factory. That's with Joe Rogan and a bunch of people. April 29th, we're doing a Death Squad show at the Improv that has Tony Hinchcliffe and Bobby Lee and Kate Quigley and a bunch of people.

And then May 3rd, our secret show returns to the Comedy Store main room. And that's a Wednesday. So you can get all this by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on Tour Dates or following one of us on Twitter. Also, if you go to TonyHinchcliffe.com, you get all of Tony's dates, tour dates, merchandise, all Tony Hinchcliffe.

He has a new podcast, I heard. So check it out. And Ryan J. Ebout, he's the house artist. He made a new Death Squad Kill Tony poster. He did the first one and he just finished the second one. You can now buy it on his website

ryanjebelt.com And last but not least, don't forget shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And we got a whole bunch of new 2017 Lucky Stripe hats in. We have a crimson and pink, a purple and pink, which is my favorite. And we also just added black and pink.

There's only a few of each. So if you want them, these are very limited edition. So go to ShopSquad.tv. Alright guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Ray Bank. Coming to you live from the real famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Here's Tony Henscliff. Hey, everybody. What the fuck is up? Make some noise. Come on. You can do better than that. Make some fucking noise. Belly Room, Monday night.

The number one live podcast in the world. I'm very excited about this. Brian, Red Band is in the house, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, how's it going? On the ones and twos, on the looper and the pooper. We have an HD camera in the back. We'd Ryan J.E. Belt out of town, but I just picked up my new Kill Tony poster. I got mine framed today.

It's hanging up in my living room now right next to the old Kill Tony poster. You can get those at ryanjebelt.com. That's available there. I believe we sold out Austin, Texas this Saturday. Yeah, I just tried to buy tickets. And we can't do it, so we sold that out. So we got Houston, though, the 23rd, this Sunday. Yeah, I just tried to buy tickets. And we can't do it, so we sold that out. So we got Houston notes, the 23rd, this Sunday.

We have a Kill Tony followed by a Secret Show. And then we'll be back here on Monday for yet another Kill Tony. We're knocking out three Kill Tonys in three nights. Saturday in Austin, Sunday in Houston, and back home where you are right now. Actually, it'll be in the main room on Monday. I'm so fucking excited

about tonight's show. I can't even explain it. I've been trying to book these two guys at the same time since I started this show four years ago. What you're seeing tonight is a fucking perfect eclipse of Kill Tony. I'm very excited about this. Two of the funniest fucking human beings ever in the world. Put your hands together for the great Ryan O'Neill and Jeff Danish. Fuck yeah.

Yeah, baby. Holy shit. Badass motherfuckers. Welcome, welcome. Hey, man. Thanks for having us. Of course. Look at this fucking crowd.

For those of you that don't know, which I'm pretty sure is everybody, I'm just going to tell you, Ryan O'Neill and Jeff Danish were the hosts regularly when I started signing up for open mics and everything. This is true. I think I was the first guy to bring you up in Los Angeles. Yeah, you were the first guy to bring me up ever, period. Oh, that was your first time ever? Ever. You took his virginity.

It's true. In both ways. I remember I had no choice to put you up because you brought all 12 people that were in the crowd. Yes, I did. So you really had me over the fucking couch. I literally did. I thought there was going to be more audience members. I assumed wrong.

It was the first time I had ever come here. You definitely assumed wrong. Yeah. You came during the wrong era. Yeah. Now there would be an audience. Then there was not. There was nothing.

But for the first basically at least fucking three, four years, you guys would always make fun of me and get a bigger laugh than anything that I did during my set those first few years. What was the thing you always said, Jeff? You look like a young Mike Seaver from Growing Pains. To this day, by the way, I've never looked up Mike Seaver, but that's like the only thing that I know about it is that it always, everybody in the audience would die every fucking time you said it. I'd be like, wow, that's a bigger laugh again.

I don't know if the millennials will get it, but I stick to the older crowds. I think even kids laugh at that shit. So there's something about Mike Seaver from Growing Pains. You don't even need to know who it is. It just hurts straight to the core. So I'm excited about this because we're going to watch comedians do comedy.

One cool thing that this show has is... Oh, that's it? Kirk Cameron? Is that what that is? Young Kirk Cameron? That hurts. That's Tony in middle school. Jeez, there's a reason why I didn't look it up,

Brian. We have a band on this show. I fucking love them. Everybody loves them. They are the fucking greatest. Put your hands together for the Kill Tony Band. It's Reagan Watkins and Joel Jimenez, a.k.a. Joelberg.

Always with a different intro. They always do something like random, play characters a bit. It's a long intro. Oh, here they come. Oh, wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Powerful. Appears to be Moses, an Egyptian, and... An albino. An albino. The albino saxophone player who hung around with Jesus. Hallelujah! I'm back, bitches! Wait, what are you?

Happy Easter, Jesus Christ. Oh, you're Jesus, huh? Man, you really let yourself go in the afterlife. Jesus got a perm. Last week I killed Tony. I suffered, died, and was buried. But I've risen again in glory to judge the living and the dead. And my kingdom will have no end.

Wow. Is that Jesus Manson? And who's the wizard next to you there? The Lord of the Rings guy? It's Dumbledore. My name is Moses. You know, we just recently had Passover. Figured I'd be fleeing from the Pharaoh behind us over here.

Wow, you sound like a reclusive Bernie Sanders. And obviously we have Joel Jimenez as an Egyptian, casting based purely off of skin tone. So everything's in order. Everything good? You guys ready to get this fucker started? Moses? I've been roaming the desert for about 40 years,

but other than that, things are good. All right. Didn't really answer my question at all, but obviously you had to get that Moses line out of your system there. You know, we've been tortured for centuries, but, you know, I'm doing okay. Well, we're glad to have you. Is this the same guy that hosts Roast Battle? Moses. You know Moses from his very successful show on Tuesdays. That is my black friend Moses. You know Moses from his very successful show on Tuesdays. That is my black friend Moses.

I'm concerned about Moses' bare feet on the disgusting carpet. Did you roam the desert in your bare feet for that long? Yes, I did. That's how we just do it. I hope you can part the syphilis that's in that carpet. You guys ready to start the motherfucking show or what? I have a bucket full of comedians' names. They all signed up

for the opportunity to do 60 Seconds in front of my friends and I. We talk to them afterwards about anything in the world. Maybe about their set, maybe about anything in their personal life. You go from being a comedian to a guest on the show that fast. You know your 60 Seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Wrap it up then or else else you're going to bring out

the angry West Hollywood bear. You don't want to do that, because that's super annoying, right? You guys ready to start the fucking show, or what? All right. Your first human being getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Daniel Webb.

Here we go. Make some noise for Daniel, everybody. Come on. Oh, my God. That's me. Oh, my God. Oh, hello. Hi.

I'm from Texas. My name's Daniel Webb. In case we haven't met before, I'm in the closet. And what else about me? And I just got a TV! I've been watching Family Feud like a thirsty dog. It's like, can we talk about Family Feud for a second? It's like, because that's an old show, right?

It's like, when did Family Feud get so sexually explicit? You know, it's like, every single question is just like, we asked a hundred housewives, name something you want to suck. And of course it's the sweetest oldest like nana in the family that rings in and says dick i'm like mimi you can't say dick on television you know i love tv i love the news like i'm not making fun of that man that got dragged off on that united airlines flight but i'm making fun of that woman that's in every video you know like you can't see her but you can hear her you know she's the one who goes oh my god look what you're doing you know what i You know, like, you can't see her, but you can hear her. You know, she's the one who goes,

oh, my God, look what you're doing. You know what I mean? It's like sometimes you don't see her, you just hear her go, oh, my God, look what you're doing. You know what I mean? Like, I want to be that bitch for Halloween. You know what I mean? Like, I want to ding-dong in everybody's door

and look like nobody and just go, oh, my God, look what you're doing. You know what I mean? I don't know. I love the news during hurricanes. Thanks, everybody. That's what happens. Daniel Webb. Daniel Webb. That's what happens.

Daniel Webb. Daniel Webb. Wow. Thank you. The master of not sounding like what he looks like. That's like a gay Texas survival beard that you're wearing. You can drive around and not be bothered. I was thinking gay Jesus.

He out Jesus passed. I know. It's actually Charles Manson's gay twin brother. You know, they always made me wait in the car. How long have you been in L.A.? A month. Yeah, you need to just get the makeover going, man. Are you sure? No.

My car, I already had my car towed and my Uber driver pulled a gun on somebody. I'm here. I'm here. Who'd they pull a gun on? Not me. Are you that Uber driver? He said, somebody. I'm here. I'm here. Who'd they pull a gun on? Not me. Are you an Uber driver? He said, I knew I could trust you because you would be a good witness.

Wow. I know. Hey, Tony. See, it pays to look like Jesus in LA. Moses, go ahead. Let's just say this bush isn't burning. It's flaming. Wow.

That's one of like three Moses references that people will even understand. I love that. That's very good, Moses. All those years in the desert gave you a lot of time to think of funny shit, huh? Daniel motherfucking Webb, how many times have you done You don't have to wave like that, Daniel.

How many times have you done stand-up comedy? A bunch. Uh-huh. Can you be more specific at all? Four years. Four years? Probably like eight times at least. Today.

Talk to me in 40 years. Did you start performing in Texas? Yeah, I did. How'd that go over? I mean, everybody has a gun. I'm a fifth generation Texan, so technically they can still shoot me for being gay. Do you just do an impression of a straight guy there? No.

You give it to him like right at, you know what I mean. You let him have it. Have you ever seen the movie On Golden Pond? No, but I sat on a golden pond. Oh, Jesus. Wow, Brian, you really set him up for that one. Do you have it? Did you guys work that out before the show?

No, Charlie. I have a question. I have a question for gay Jesus. I have a question for gay Jesus. I have a question for gay Jesus. Do you have a dry throat? Every phrase you say ends with aw. Oh, no. You never have a dry throat when you wait for the second coming.

It's fabulous. Jesus Christ. He can say it, but I can't. This guy's ready. That is definitely against one of the commandments. Daniel, what do you do for work? How do you survive? I'm a waitress.

Whoa. That should be your opener right there. Do you tuck it in? How do you get away with it? I suck it in, bitch. you get away with it? Why? I suck it in, bitch. That's how you make a money. Wow.

So gay, he sucks his own dick in. Daniel, where are you waitressing at? What's that? I'm sorry. Where are you waitressing at? Anywhere I can. Hooters? What?

They won't have me. Hello. I mean, I look good in pantyhose. All right. Where do you waitress at? Right now, nowhere. The streets. I'll do your dishes. Oh, at Right now nowhere The streets I'll do your dishes Oh you're a hooker

I'll do your dishes I'm a hostess No I'm unemployed I just got here Oh Nobody in West Hollywood Is gonna hire me With this beard

Huh Yeah Is that where you live now West Hollywood No I live in Hollywood Hollywood Just go to Silver Lake dude Go to the other side

What does that mean Silver Lake's an area Cause I'm old No cause you have a beard A lot of beards there. Is that true? They're a social worker. Every word this guy says to me,

it's like he's going to fuck me. Is that true? It seems true. What kind of guy are you into, Daniel? What's your favorite type? I mean, I'll date anybody who's married, but down the down low, or if you have money or don't. But you know what I mean? the down low or if you have money or don't. But you know what I mean?

It's like if you have money or don't? Yeah. Really narrowing it down there. Basically, a very specific person that you're looking for. If you like it, then you should have stuck your finger in it, right? But I don't know if that's right. Exactly. It's an ode to Beyonce that no one got.

Daniel, what's the gayest thing you've ever done? Oh, Jesus. That's a question I've never gotten asked anyone before. What feels open? You know what I mean? Like, we can set a record tonight. Okay. What are you looking for?

Stick with the questions, Daniel. Oh, okay. Let's go with past experiences. What's the gayest thing I've ever done? It was probably my 11th Tori Amos concert. Sorry. Sorry. It's a bunch of straight people here. You peopleos concert. Sorry. Sorry, it's a bunch of straight people here. You people like Andy DeFranco.

It's a bunch of lesbians. I'm sorry. Was your 10th Tori Amos concert the second gayest thing you've ever done? No, I mean, I used to watch Designing Women with my mom. What accent should I speak as? Let me ask you another question, Daniel. What's the weird... Let me be more... Daniel, over here. Over here, Daniel. Let me be more specific.

Weirdest thing you've ever had up your butt? Myself. Fingers or dick? That is personal. All right, Daniel. You're a silly goose. If you answered any of these questions honestly, you'd really give us something here. Oh, sorry.

It's okay. Yeah, man. Well, good luck. You should try getting work as like a glory hole or something. It was the glorious. It doesn't matter. It was the most glorious hole they ever saw. Do you have money? Good luck. You should try getting work as a glory hole or something. It was the glorious... It was the most glorious hole they ever saw. Do you have money? Do you not have money? Put your dick through the hole.

Alright, Daniel Webb. It was nice to meet you. There he goes. Daniel Webb. I think it was a good way to start things off. He just gave Moses a little pat on the thigh. Look at that Egyptian guy. According to scripture, I have to wash it as soon as I get home. All right.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Patrick Ramirez, everybody. Wow. Is there somebody walking towards the stage? Nope. Uh-oh. Patrick must also be a gay Texan, and he's like, that guy stole my shit.

Blacklisted. I'm going to get out of here. Put your hands together for Rob Roy. Two no-shows. Ooh. Blacklisted. It's like the new hip thing. Sign up and then go away.

Is there any penalty for this? Ryan Heron. Ooh, from the middle of the audience. It's always exciting. Hey, guys. Big news. I actually also just came out at Easter dinner. Thank you, thank you.

It was awkward for me, but I could tell that my girlfriend's family had no idea what to say. Actually, I am straight. I do have a girlfriend. I knew I was straight 100% for sure when I heard about color runs. You guys know about this? Color runs? A color run is when a bunch of girls go out and run a 5K while also having someone throw food coloring cornstarch in their faces. It's the quickest way to get lung cancer while also achieving the look that...

Looking like Richard Simmons farted on your face, basically, is what I'm trying to say. So sometimes when I'm feeling down, I will arm wrestle my girlfriend. It makes me feel a lot better to know that she's strong enough for the both of us. Let's talk about the wage gap, guys. Of course I'm talking about

Fuck yeah Ryan Heron Here we go This guy You look like you would hunt the last guy for sport You know that That's your look right now He looks like he's here specifically to bust somebody For some sort of drug

Yeah are you an undercover cop? That was my opener last time, and it didn't work. It bombed. I said I looked like the cop would apologize for pulling you over. And your closer was, let's talk about the wage gap. Yeah, yeah. I like it. You're into social issues.

Let's talk about the thigh gap. Now, you were on this show a couple weeks ago, and you went up last. And I remember because you kept going on stage, and you kept panicking, and then we kept restarting. You're like, oh, fuck, I fucked up. And I'm like, all right, let's give them another shot. Put your hands together for Ryan here. And then you're like, I fucking ruined it. And then we did it again.

And then we stopped it again. And I literally go, you can do it, buddy. And you went in, and you had a great set. And that turned out to be your first set ever doing stand-up comedy. This is number two. You waited two weeks. 100% of my career so far has been. 100%.

So you're going to go one minute at a time every two weeks. Every two weeks. Jesus, what a brutal way to start out in comedy. Yeah. I know. It's a long way to the hour. Yeah, yeah. Two years, two years,

and I'll have a full hour. Wow. Ryan, what do you do for work? Six nights a week, I work at a Thai restaurant. A Thai restaurant. What do you do the seventh night? Come here.

He rests. Are you a waitress, too? No, I work in the back of a Thai restaurant. Oh, they won't even put you out front. No, no. You're a dishwasher? They put the white man back washing dishes? I cover the dishwasher.

Yeah. You cover the dishwasher because he doesn't show up six nights a week? Well, two days a week I wash dishes. He's talking about being a cop with the dishwasher. It's where I listen to so much Kill Tony. When you're washing dishes?

When I'm washing dishes. That's where it's a statistic 70% of our listenership is we are the number one podcast amongst dishwashers around the country. Have you gone up anywhere after that first spot here two weeks ago? Nope. Why hone your craft? Came up pretty well. How much of that's true? I'm not gay. You really have a girlfriend?

I really have a girlfriend. How long have you had a girlfriend? Two years, actually, yeah. You're not gay, but that mustache is. It's totally gay, yeah. I was going to say, yeah, my mustache betrays me, but I'm not gay. My advice to you is even if you do fuck up, a lot of times the crowd is no. They don't know where you're going.

So I mean, just just either roll with it or take a shot at yourself and keep going. I was trying, but I have not done it. You know, you're going nowhere in your career, but you seem good at fucking up. Like it didn't seem to bother you that much. Yeah. Yeah. What were you trying to say? Like Richard Simmons farting on your face.

Because it's a bunch of random colors. That premise is hard to understand because it sounds unbelievable. How often is this a one thing time that happened where this run happened and they throw... I've heard of them. It's a Southern California thing where girls and I assume gay men and stuff will go and do color runs and they

throw colored powder in their face. So they end up all multicolored at the end. Richard Simmons obviously farts rainbows, and that's what you're getting. Clearly. And it does cause cancer? They say on the website that it's 100% safe. I researched it for this joke. You should just drop the cancer part.

Yeah, that's not friendly towards them doing that, is it? It was a little long. Yeah, yeah, not friendly towards them, doing that, is it? It was a little long. Yeah, yeah, I realize that. I had a whole other thing, but I cut away. Where are you from, Ryan? Moorpark. One city further away than the Verzi twins. Oh, that's how I keep track of geography.

What a fucking name changer. Two out of three ain't bad. Is that on Waze? They say take a right turn at the whatever twins? They're the triplets, by the way. There's three of them. Have some respect. I'm sorry.

Oh, they're triplets? Oh, those triplet dudes. Yeah, when you see the statue when you're driving by Moore Park, it's three fucking guys. They're all on top of each other's shoulders, and they're 6'1". Does one of those three guys have a bigger dick than the rest of them? Yeah, the tallest one guy. Oh, they're different heights.

Ryan, what are you into? What are your hobbies other than doing stand-up? I like that. Outdoors. Outdoors, hiking, that kind of thing. I recently took up jujitsu. Look at this. Watch out.

Have you ever had a gay experience before? No, I have not had a gay experience before. Whoa, that was a weird answer. At a summer camp once, I did. Do you want to have a gay experience? Uncle Red Band. Where do you go hiking? What's the gayest experience you've had?

Sit on Uncle Red Band's lap. Let's see if that'll record you. I go hunting in Texas. So you just started jujitsu? Yeah. How long have you been hunting? For like three or four months. So mostly I'm just going and getting dressed in a bathrobe

and getting choked out. It was a weird way to find out about my fetish. Where'd you meet your girlfriend two years ago? Tinder That worked out for me I said that in the last set One of the original Tinder couples

Was it like a night date? No, we both kind of said in our profiles that we wanted to meet someone for not just sex How long did it take to have sex with her? How many dates? Three months. Three months?

Oh, my God. What the fuck? I'm a relaxed person. Was it because her pussy was so sore from fucking all the dudes on Tinder? Sometimes you got to take a while off. He's like, nah, for that, no way. Not for three months.

I'm just, I'm not trying to fuck people all the time. Oh, yeah, look at you. I'm a part of the time. What a cock tease you are. Well, I guess you have jujitsu to get that out. Exactly. Was she ready to go and you're like, we haven't hit my three-month mark? It was her first relationship.

Oh, she's 14. Yeah. No, she's 21. She's she's 21 Wow how do you 42 27 okay yeah without this mustache I look 19 so she Asian no no so when you decided like not just looking for a hookup, like, I want something more than a hookup, on your Tinder profile, were you like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, this is going to work?

But you actually meant it? Did you say it because you had fucked so many women that you're like, I'm just so tired of this? I'm a serial monogamist. As you can tell, I have a lot of anxiety over a lot of different things. And one night stands really kill me. You have really good parents, right? They're good parents, yeah.

Yeah, good childhood. Yeah, it was easy. Do you believe in miracles? Yes. And magic. Are you religious? No, no. No, not religious.

Interesting. All right, Ryan. Well, I mean, you know, if you want to stand up something that you really want to do. I need an outlet for being a smartass because it's gotten me fired and made people not like me. So I need to... You've gotten fired so many times that now you're washing dishes in a tie wrestler. Well, you know, I'm... What's one example of your smart assery that got you fired?

Were you like, hey, Patty, you're a cunt. Yeah. I'm just as being a smart ass. Every one of my bosses has had some kind of crazy accent Like a German accent What a smartass Were you like a CEO at one point And your smartassery

Has pushed you down to dishwasher No no I'm hard to hire. What's the accent joke? What did you say to the accent? It wasn't funny. Trump's going to throw you out, huh? Go wash the dishes, white boy.

Can you do an impression of one of your former owners that fired you for doing an impression of them? Should I do that? I just asked you to. Use his first and last name. You did it on the job. Why wouldn't you do it here? The damage is done.

Doesn't paint me in a good light, but my current boss said that I should keep working for her because you get the money by the car. Wait, was Angela Johnson just in here? Was that the deal bit? My Italian boss used to always tell me, you know, your dick, your dick like this. My dick no work.

My dick not like this. Did you ever work for someone who wasn't a stereotype? No. And then my black boss was like, well, you better get out there, sir. Oh, come on, Brian. Swing low. I think his Jewish boss sounded like Moses.

Do you have a high school diploma? Yes. And a college diploma? I dropped out of college. Because you were a smartass. Actually, I was an alcoholic. Now we've dug a little deeper. I like where this is going.

Now we've found why you're here. And why you're wearing a Dr. Pepper hat. Yeah,'ve dug a little deeper. I like where this is going. Now we've found why you're here. And why you're wearing a Dr. Pepper hat. Yeah, it's a good mixer. Trademark of many alcoholics. Just love my soda. He washes the cans out. So you're like a recovering alcoholic? Yeah.

What was your liquor of choice? Armaretto Sours. Smart ass answer. Welcome to liquor store. What you want? Yeah. They're all Armenians, so they sound a little... Go ahead.

Go ahead, Ryan. Do your dirty Armenian impression. My friend. I had no idea you were going to go there. There's some dark racism in your soul. Yeah. Wow. What would your black person impression sound like?

What does a black guy sound like to you? Just let it go, Ryan. Don't think about it. Please, just let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it rip. Just don't think about it.

Just start doing it. Go. Let him get his KFC fucking props from outside. I'm not going to go there. Oh, come on. Why is that? There's a black guy that's clearly offended in the front that you won't do them. You'll do everybody else.

Is that Lil Rel Howry? TS motherfucking A. It's medium rel. I definitely think that it's less smart assery and more racism that's getting you fired. Yeah. Why won't you do the black guy? Tell us. Too much.

Can you at least tell us? Too much. Can you tell us what you would, like, if it was written down, like, what you would say without doing the black voice? White people, I got an idea for you. You need to start saying nilla instead of the N word. You got, okay, okay, Brian, Brian, that never works. You got whiter for some reason. Yeah.

You literally got whiter during your impression of a black guy. That was my impression of a black guy doing a white voice. But that personality fits your look more than you just did. I'm sure it does. Than your actual personality. Are there any Klan members here who can book him for a gig? Third time out of the gate, he has at least two minutes of racist material. That's all I need.

You can fill the rest with N-bombs. Yeah. Ryan Heron, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. This is his second time ever on stage. He's on Twitter at Heron ladies and gentlemen there he goes his second time ever on stage he's on twitter at Heron Ryan Daniel Webb's the Daniel Webb I like that guy

these just keep getting better and better oh be likey oh you get the money for the car alright this looks like another new name I'm loving this put your hands together for Tate Winston everybody oh you got a little pop from the comedians All right, this looks like another new name. I'm loving this. Put your hands together for Tate Winston, everybody. Ooh, you got a little pop from the comedians.

What's going on, guys? How we doing? All right. Cool. So I grew up with a learning disability, despite being privileged and white. It's like mild adversity. Mild adversity.

I have dyslexia, so at Sunday school I used to take my priest in the closet and make him practice special prayers. You know, as a churchgoer, you don't really have anyone to look up to, like anyone to admire. The Pope, he's not very exciting. I had Pope John Paul II. I thought it would be cool if we had Pope Sean Paul.

Right? Like, braids coming out the back, big Pope hat. It's like, I had Pope John Paul II. I thought it would be cool if we had Pope Sean Paul. Right? Like, braids coming out the back, big Pope hat. It's like, shake that thing in the Vatican. Shake that thing, Mary Magdalene. He's like, we be burning, not concerning what nobody want to see. We be blessing all the children and baptizing every day That's fun. I have chronic anxiety.

Pretty debilitating chronic anxiety. Whenever I run out of chronic, I get really anxious. Boom! Tate Winston, everybody. Hi, Tate. How's it going? Just give him a light. I wish I knew Sean Paul more so that I knew that sounded like a good impression.

Oh, something going on. I love it. You are one of the funniest people from the cast of Our City Blues that we've ever had on the show before. Let me tell you that. First of all, right from the top, Moses, you got something brewing over there? I found that said blasphemous. And that is all. Yeah, you're almost too normal, man. I don't know.

You're a pretty normal guy, yeah. Are you really dyslexic? Yeah, I'm dyslexic. Prove it. Read that guy's fucking shirt right now. Kite flip. He's dyslexic. It says Fight Club. How long have you been on stand-up, Tate?

A little under two years. Where are you from? New Jersey, but I'm in New York City now. Are you visiting? Yeah, I'm visiting here. Cool. How long are you visiting for? Just like a week and a half.

Red Band wants to know if you need a place to stay. Are you a camp counselor at all? I'm fucking close, dude. I'm a tennis instructor. Wow. Have you ever been with an Asian woman? He's going to ask next. What's your favorite topping on a pizza?

Why is the questions that lead to nowhere? A singular topping? Mushroom tips. Do you know how many roofies it takes to knock you out? Moses. Asking for a friend named Brian. Are there any lubes that you're allergic to? Not that I know of.

Lactose intolerant? What is your workout plan to look buff and chubby at the same time? By the way, Jeremiah didn't know how to say the words workout regimen because he doesn't have one. So that was funny.

The workout plan... Jeremiah is fat for those of you that don't listen to the show. Moses just walks He doesn't need a workout I've been walking lately A lot in the desert Stay hydrated

You could say that I've been working out Come on I hit a rock and I let water come out Give me a break Tate why are you visiting LA right now specifically Comedy and friends. Just vacation. Look at that. So you teach tennis in New York City.

Correct. You ever fucked one of these hot tennis women? Language. Language. Sorry, Moses. Of course not. Have you ever made love to one of them? Of course not.

Thank you. My girlfriend's here. That means you have if she wasn't here. Of course not. Thank you. My girlfriend's here. Ah. That means you have if she wasn't here. Is that right? Of course not. Oh, my God. Wow. I mean, you're like doing both.

You're doing both at the same time. You're going to get in trouble for this if it's real. Wow. Did you meet your girlfriend giving tennis lessons? I did not. No. Okay. Did she play tennis?

Yeah. Where'd you meet your girlfriend? In Rhode Island. She was friends tennis? Yeah. Where'd you meet your girlfriend? In Rhode Island. She was friends with some friends. Ooh. If you ever dyed your balls green and wrote Wilson across them with a number four. No, man. All right.

But you end up dealing with a lot of spoiled rich kids a lot. Yeah. How long have you been doing that for? For like eight years, man. Wow. Were you supposed to go pro or something as a kid? Yeah, I was supposed to. Tennis elbow?

Keanu Reeves all of a sudden. You should add that impression to your repertoire. Do you like reggae music? Is that why the Sean Paul band? I just think it's silly wordplay. I don't really even know if he's a reggae artist. He's like a pop artist. He's a dance hall artist.

I mean, I fuck with Sean Paul. Yeah, he's good. What else are you into? Like, what do you do for hobbies other than tennis? I'm going to say longboarding. Yeah, I look like I play water polo or something. You sound like you narrate coming-of-age movies that go to film festivals and don't get distribution.

It's a very specific sound. That is a very specific sound. Jesus Christ, voiceover agent over there. Go to your, Jesus. What are your other hobbies or anything like that? I like mixed martial arts. Mixed martial arts. I like to read books.

Really? Yeah, man. Do you participate in mixed martial arts? Do you study? Just kickboxing, not the whole one around. Do you want to fight the last guy? Do you want to roll with him? What's your ground game like?

Missed. My boy who's here is a 10th planet dude. Do you think you could push a guy this size off of you? You were saying that your friend is here and he's a what? He's a 10th planet dude. Oh, interesting. Do you think you could fit in Red Band's trunk? I'd fit in his arms.

I mean his asshole when I say trunk. Hey. Sorry, Red Band. Just trying to help you out. Throw you a boner. What's your least favorite thing about your girlfriend, Tate? She's too perfect. Is she really here? Yeah, she is. She's too perfect. Is she really here?

Yeah, she is. She's right up there. Will you kiss her on stage? You hear a gunshot and a thud. Will you guys kiss on stage? Yeah! Brian, you are out of control tonight. I don't know what's going on over there. Can we get Brian three more drinks and some weed or something, please?

Keep him busy. Tate, do you always... Is that a thing that you do? Dress like condiments and stuff? Dress like condiments. Pretty frequently, yeah. Mustard, ketchup. There's other ones. Mayonnaise.

Hummus. Tartar sauce. Your shirt's so spicy and your personality is so bland. Oh, Jesus. Hey, what's your spirit animal? A dead fish? Oh my God.

His girlfriend's here. Come on, Jesus. Fuck this guy. Is it because he was against the church at the beginning of his set? No. All right. Well, Tate, we've decided that you're like the creative player before given any attributes in the video game.

Just the blank slate, sort of. You're a blank avatar. It's a generic way, dude. You're an egg. Sometimes that's good, though, because then you can go any which way. You can go green hair, red hair, white hair. Alright, Tate. You're not on Twitter?

Just Facebook. Your girlfriend won't let you? No. I'm not on Twitter either. Really? Nope. Alright, Tate. Anything else you want to say here in Los Angeles? If you're in New York City on May 16th, come to Eastville Comedy Club.

There you go. He promoted his show. I'm going to be there. I'll be there, too. Yeah. There he goes. Tate Winston, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks so much, guys.

One thing I, this is, Jeff's been on the show before. Ryan, one thing I always ask new guests when they come on for the first time is, did you ever do anything when you first started doing stand-up that, like, you can't believe you did or that you were terribly embarrassed about looking back on it? Like, you're just like, what the fuck was I thinking? Yeah, definitely. Anything specific? I don't even want to repeat it. I love it, though. We've gotten a lot of good ones.

I would do jokes about having sex with my mom or something. This would be shocking. Brian still does those jokes, but I love that he's pretending shock. Oh, jeez. Horrible. Yeah, those pretty much. Yeah, and just like...

Your mama blonde? Brown hair? Red band? Calm down. She is Asian. Do you remember the punchline, Danny? I fucked my mom joke? I can't even do it. My mom's online now, so I can't do it it. My mom's online now. That other stuff was before the internet was big.

Now she's online before she was on the dick. That was one of my bigs. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's all watch Jonathan Flanagan. Jonathan. My brother, this past winter, he was applying to be an L.A. sheriff. He needed background checks, testing, all this stuff. It took like three months. And at the very end, they finally didn't hire him.

He failed one test. He failed a colorblind test. I don't know if you guys know this, but it's true. You can't be a cop anywhere in California if you're colorblind. And he was telling me this, and I was thinking, maybe you should only be a cop if you're colorblind these days you know what I mean you know what I mean like just take the colorblind test out of the whole equation

spend 15 more minutes on psychological exam maybe they'll behoove everyone right and besides that if you're colorblind realistically you mix up blue and green and red and brown and that's it it's like what are they trying to catch the joker and the riddler like why does that matter it's not riddler like why does that matter you know what i mean it's not gotham city like why does that matter um i'll stop there i don't know why i have like 15 more seconds yep you do have

exactly 15 more seconds or i could do the joke that i'm not proud of that i first started doing you saw you got it done in 45 you're're like, why push the envelope? There's usually a little more laughter, so it takes a little longer. So you're blaming the audience for the quick dismount. All right. Jeremiah is going crazy for some reason. I don't know what's going on over there. Moses, imagine this guy getting asked to do a set for 40 years.

Oh, my God. It's like some between two ferns shit going on over there. So Jonathan. Oh, okay. You don't run more than Nealon did last week.

Jeremiah. Moses. What happened to your finger? It was pointing right at me. Oh. Okay. I cut it. It was kind of a big cut.

Yeah, I got that it's cut. There's a Band-Aid on it. What happened to it? Oh, it was a broken glass. I work at a bar a couple nights a week. I see red once I potted the Red Seas. Wow. That joke was so dry.

Okay. There he goes. He got it all out of his system at once. Jeremiah Watkins. He's going to be at the goddamn Comedy Jam this Friday. We are going to be performing together in Austin, Texas at Moon Tower. I don't want to give anything away, but that's one of the only songs he knows how to play

on the saxophone. And whatever that new thing is, he keeps throwing it. You look like the world's tallest fraggle right now. And if you were my firstborn, I would sacrifice you. Wow. This is on fire. A lot of biblical humor going on here.

What bar do you work at? It's called The Room in Hollywood. Have you been on the show before? Yeah, last week was my first time. Oh, wow. What happened on it? What stood out to you? On the show? What stood out to you? On the show?

What stood out to us? Yeah. Nealon did a really funny basketball joke that I told my family at Easter. Oh. He said that

they used to play it on carpet and then they pulled up the carpet and they realized there's a really nice hardwood floor under there. That's right. Yeah, that joke was a three-pointer.

So you were on last week? Yeah. How long did you do then? 30 seconds? No, I did the full 60. You did the full 60? Although I did forget a tag at the end of that joke. You want to do it now?

Go ahead. Just kidding. I'm just kidding. It wouldn't work now because there was no punchline. That's cool. What do you do for fun? I play a lot of basketball. I play a lot of sports with friends and stuff.

I coach a girls' basketball team, actually. She's my cherry pie. There you go. How old are these girls? Cue Red Band. That's the first thing everyone asks. They're adult age. It's just like a rec league.

It's kind of like a- Oh, you're missing out on a free chance. Yeah, rec league. Reckon that. Pussy. I've not dated any girl from the basketball team. Why would you coach a rec league? Yeah, why do they need a coach?

Are they the only team that has a coach? All right, ladies. No, they all do. Shoot! I don't want to shoot. What's your game plan? Just go out there, D those titties up, and... Yeah, this game means nothing to anybody.

They get really into it. Come on, Sarah. Treat this like your day job, god damn it. Do you take a knee when you talk to them? Get real fucking serious? Can you guys just listen to me and just do what I say? Can most of them beat you up? No, no.

No? None of them, I think. How long have you been doing this for? Yes. Stand-up? No, we don't care about the stand-up at all, Jonathan. We're talking about you coaching women's basketball at a gym during the middle of the afternoon. Four seasons.

With the same team? Yeah, the same team. We kept moving up a division, and I just jumped ships to a different team. What? Oh, shit. He was recruited away. When it goes to overtime, does it smell more? How come you never do?

Horrible sound effects. Why are you opposed Why are you opposed To having sex with your players I'm not opposed to it It just hasn't happened I try to keep those things separate This is a god damn rec league We're going to act like it

You gotta keep your home team And your away team separate When you're a Jew You're always the away team. Oh, that's so sad. Has shit ever gotten serious? Do you ever get into an argument with any of your players?

Yeah, but it's really... I recruited a girl who I dated previously. Whoa! You're like, this relationship didn't work out, but maybe you could join the team. It was a casual dating experience. Well, she's a really good basketball player. Are you on dating sites like 6-3?

I'll go on a date with her. Recruiting. It's your recruiting strategy. I'm not doing that, but there was a time I played volleyball on the beach, and we needed players for one weekend. So when I was on a dating site, and I was like, hey, and there's really tall girls. And I'm like, do you guys play volleyball? That sounds like the creepiest pickup line ever.

A girl came. A girl came. A girl came. She didn't come. She went. She lied about it. She showed up. We needed another player. And she came and she played.

In your off time, do you go watch other rec leagues? No. This is a fun rec league. It's really intense. And all the other coaches are other comedy people. It's really intense. All the other coaches are comedy people, too. What's the trophy at the end?

Like free McDonald's french fries or something? Orange drink? Pizza, everybody! One of the girls on my team broke another girl's rib plane. Oh, I thought you were going to say a titty. Broke her titty. No biblical reference on that? Language, please.

So when you recruited your ex to join that team, what went wrong? You said that that was a dramatic moment. No, it wasn't. She was just kind of like. Became the leader of the team. She tried taking over. Right. She didn't want to listen to anything I said.

And all the women are like, Stacy's taller than all of us. And this used to be about our team. Now it's all about Stacey. Like that. And you're like, come on, kids. We're winning finally, once and for all. Like that. Have you ever lost a star player to pregnancy? No.

Do you have a trick play that you specially have taught these ladies? I have an inbound play that we used when I played college. What's it called? The pumpkin spice. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. I have an inbound play that we used when I played college. What's it called? The Pumpkin Spice. Joel Berg. Joel Berg.

Joel Berg. Where'd you play in college? I was junior college in Fullerton. This guy's got Juco experience. Oh, shit. The play is called G-Spot because Gina was our girl who used to play. So it is perverted basketball. You're like, let's run the G-Spot, Gina. our girl who used to roll. So it is perverted basketball. You're like, let's run the G-Spot, Gina.

It's a spot. She was a spot. It was her sweet spot. Her name's Gina. Yeah, we all know her sweet spot. She would make the shot every time for that one spot. Are you like, hey, everybody put your hands in the middle on my cock. Put them in on Coach's sweet spot.

Go team. Do you watch them shower? Make sure they're using the soap. Hey, ladies, it's winter. Get in those showers. No one's catching a cold on my watch. I didn't go to Juco for two years to fucking coach this team for nothing.

What's your record? Well, this season just started. We're 1-0. We have a game tomorrow. How about last season? Last season, I think we were 8-2. Ooh, hitting that G spot a lot, huh? Wow, man.

Getting those points. But it's a different team. This is the first season with this new team. Oh, yeah, because you traded. You're a trader. Yeah, a little bit. Fuck. So when you play your old team, there's some hurt feelings, right?

We're in different divisions because they got really good, and this team I kind of went down to to try to build. Oh, look at you. You're a fucking builder. You're a fucking team builder. I know a thing or two about building pyramids. There you go. Do you smoke a lot of weed?

You seem very mellow. I don't smoke weed at all, really. Every now and then I get really drunk and people have weed and I'm like, oh, I'll take it. Have you tried Coke? No, I don't remember. You into pills? I don't like drugs, period.

I don't even like taking prescription drugs. What's your favorite category in porn? Probably threesome. Threesome's two guys and one girl? I don't know. I haven't watched a lot of porn in a while. Two guys and one girl. You haven't watched a lot of porn in a while.

He doesn't need it. I like realistic stuff where it seems like it's kind of home. Oh, casting couch stuff. Five on five. He likes game tape. Do you ever make them practice topless? No. Do they practice?

I try to get them to. What? For a fucking rec league? Yeah. You're talking about practice? Practice. Not the game. Not the game.

Practice. Playoff. Do you think that you could get Jeff and I coaching jobs in this league? Yeah. Yeah? Maybe. All right, because we're going to bring a whole new coaching style to the fucking organization. One of the coaches got kicked out of the game.

It was so funny. He was just yelling. Sounds funny. Yeah, man. Sounds really wacky. He just walked out. I asked him if he was yelling. He's like, I know I'm out.

He just kept yelling. Do they have referees for those? Yeah. And they get paid? The refs get paid, yeah. The teams pay. But they don't pay for those? Yeah. And they get paid? The refs get paid, yeah. The teams pay. But they don't pay you? No. You do it for free? They give me a big bottle of whiskey at the end of the season.

This is the best episode of Inside the Shitty Hobby Studio. Yeah, exactly. It is fun. They're fun games. They have a dance team. I follow one of the teams around. A dance team? I'm telling you, Aubrey Plaza made it really popular because she's on one of the teams. She would go on Ellen and talk about her team. I'm telling you, Aubrey Plaza made her really popular because she was on one of the teams

and she would go on Ellen and talk about her team. What's your favorite word? Lauren Lapkus was on one of the teams and she was talking. Would she do it all

like deadpan and one note? She was very good. Now we know why you're in this league. She did definitely. What's that? Is Leslie Jones in the league? No.

I would recruit her. Is everyone trying to recruit her? Probably. They would. She's in New York though. Yeah. A real coach wouldn't look at that as a barrier.

That's true. Get their ass on a plane. Get on that jet. All right, Jonathan. Get on that Rett League private jet. It was nice to meet you. I'm sure you have an electric skateboard you need to get on right now. I want to see one more question from Red Band for him.

You have another question for Jonathan? Yeah, yeah. What is your girlfriend's areola? Is it small, big? All right. They're small, big? All right. They're small, but they stick out. Oh, they're longer? Now, at the end of it, does it look like they got bit off?

Okay, that's enough, Brian. It was one question. Thank you. There he goes. Jonathan Flanagan. He's on Twitter at John Flanagan. What the fuck was that? F-L-A-N-N-Y.

Does it look like a broken breadstick? Is that what your nipple looks like? Quick question. Do any women here play rec ball? You need a team. Nothing. Try it. No takers on that.

Oh, somebody just fell. I like that guy. Was that Jonathan? That makes one of you. Did Jonathan just fall down the stairs? Can I confirm that? Jonathan? I think he threw himself down the stairs.

He did, right? Yes, that's a thumbs up. Yes, for those of you listening to the podcast, the last comedian just fell down the stairs. He did, right? Yes, that's a thumbs up. Yes, for those of you listening to the podcast, the last comedian just fell down the stairs. Oh, wow. This show has taken a turn for the douchey. If you like douchey white guys like the last two, you're going to love this guy

because he might be the master of this. We've seen him a few times. Kevin Mack, everybody. Here he comes. Master douche level. Come on, make some noise for Kevin Mack, everybody. Come on. I prefer super douche, but thank you. Did you know that they hire people at SeaWorld to jack off the whales? It's a real job. They really do that.

They've been having trouble finding females that are willing to do the job. Surprising. But I can relate. It's hard to find a lady who can handle a huge dick. And a small penis. The truth is always funny, people. It's unfair that somebody this tall has to have a dick that doesn't match the rest. Thank you, God.

That's it. Kevin Mack coming out of the small dick closet. That's that small dick note. We've heard that before. Kevin, is this true? You have a tiny penis? No, I actually have a huge dick. Oh, okie dokie. You seemed cocky

there you go is that red band no whoa whoa oh shit there's a hole watch out

well Kevin how are Brittany and the kids doing they're great man they're really good hey Ben when I see them How are Brittany and the kids doing? They're great, man. They're really good. Hey, Finn! When I see them, they're really good. You've been on the show a few times. How long have you been doing stand-up in L.A.?

Officially five months now. Five months. Happy anniversary. Thank you. How's it been going for you? Good, good. I've been doing shows, writing some stuff now. What do you do for work?

Acting still pays the bills, yeah. What have you been acting on? I just finished a movie in Portland. Does it have a title? It's called Portland. I'm not allowed to talk about it. Is it Guy Guy, Guy Girl? Oh, shit.

There it is. Interesting. Why do you want to get into stand-up if acting is paying the bills? I answered this question for Tony before. I've always had a love for it. It's always been a dream of mine to do it and I just never felt like I could offer it anything so I didn't do it for a very

long time. Noticing these big rings are starting to appear. Are you getting a new big ring for every month that you perform stand-up comedy? He's sponsored by Triple D Bag. What's the douchiest thing about you? Because I very rarely do it. It's because I know you from being on the show

a few times in which I even prefaced an intro like I called you douchey you followed through incredibly by talking about having a small dick and then immediately while saying that you're being honest about your small dick and then when I say that's true about your small dick and you go

no I have a huge fucking monster dick I have a huge dick what's the douchiest dick and you go, no, I have a huge fucking monster dick. I have a huge dick. What's the douchiest thing about you? My Instagram, for sure. Oh, wow. You had an immediate answer. What's so douchey about it? Can we pull it up?

Let's pull it up. Yeah, bring it up. You got it over there, Brad? Follow me at original Kevin Mac. If you were able to pull up Michael Seaver, then you should be able to. It's original Kevin Mac. Ooh, the original Kevin Mac.

Okay, why? Is there another guy going around claiming it's you? There was. A guy tried to steal my shtick. Mac. Why is there another guy going around claiming it's you? There was. A guy tried to steal my shtick. Whoa. He was posting pictures of me claiming to be me and then messaging girls with a message that I probably would use, actually. Sounds like you. And then you're like, wait, I need to go switch my game.

That was an imposter, Kevin Mac. I wouldn't say I want to fuck your mouth. Sounds like you're trying to escape rape charges or something. We got it pulled up. One of the main photos is you on a motorcycle looking in the distance. Channeling my inner top gun. I'm on a

motorcycle. Oh, man. Hashtag LamboLife is used a lot. I did not put a hashtag LamboLife. Not true. That was a joke that Brian made. I'm going to now name some real hashtags that are on it. Go back to it. Real hashtags that are on it.

One of the hashtags is hashtag guys with tattoos. Yeah, it's true. The hashtag after that is hashtag guys. But my favorite might be the hashtag after that. Hashtag boys. Wow. So now I see why there's two accounts. Wait, wait, wait.

Go back to that one. I just saw another good one. There's a picture of him and two friends. And one of the hashtags is hashtag viral. Really had a lot of hope for that one. It did go viral.

What do you mean it went viral? One of those guys is AIDS. He was making a joke. Now here's another one where it's from your behind. It's your back. Shirt off at the beach. Looking backwards. Look at those triceps. You want to see them try.

You should see them do stand-up. How long did it take you to get the right shadowing on those triceps for that picture? I didn't take that picture, actually. Were you a photographer? No, one of my bitches did. One of your bitches? We're going to take a break from the hashtags for a second

to read an actual what would you call that? It's a caption. I know your social media isn't popping. Let me describe it first. It's him against an old fence with his squinty eyes looking away. Again, you're always looking away.

I know my right side is my good side. In a life of uncertainty, belief is the king. Believe in yourself, your path, and your ability, and you will do great things. Hashtag man. Hashtag artist. Hashtag writer.

Hashtag quote. Hashtag quotes. Hashtag art. Hashtag believe. Hashtag positive. Hashtag positivity. Hashtag art. Hashtag believe. Hashtag positive. Hashtag positivity. Hashtag positive vibes. Hashtag achieve.

Hashtag drive. Hashtag you got it. Work? Oh, my God. Wait, but Tony, Tony, Tony, to be fair, to be fair, to be fair. Oh, my God. Number one, hashtags work. And number two, how many followers do I have?

Oh, I don't know. Right when he can't get any douche here. Here we go. how many followers do I have? Oh, I don't know. Right when he can't get any douchey, here we go. How many followers do I have? 38,000. 38,000. That's very good. Hashtag. Which puts me in the top 5% of the world.

Is that true? So I'm doing something right. Look at those Instagram stats. Hashtag kill yourself. Oh, my God. You're in too deep, bro. It's true. You're in too fucking bro. It's true.

I got to show this one to the audience. He's peeking around the door on this one. Oh my god. Is that? Beard gang strong, though. Hashtag beard. There's hashtag beard. Hashtag Nick Youssef with the nose job. Hashtag beard ganghtag Nick Youssef with the nose gel Hashtag beard Hashtag beard gang

Beard gang My favorite one is this one Underneath that picture of him It says hashtag comic I didn't put hashtag comic It's right there In between hashtag jokes and hashtag comedians Yeah because the picture

Was a joke. It wasn't a serious picture. How can you say that's a joke when all the other ones look exactly the same? Why aren't you bringing up any of the pictures where I make fun of myself? Why aren't you bringing any of those up? All these pictures look like you used your cock as a selfie stick. Granted. Oh, wait. No caption on the one

you're about to see at all. Zero hashtags. Zero captions. Tony, it's because he just woke up, Tony. He lost it. Oh, way to go, Brian. Way to ruin the joke, Red Band. He's attacking Red Band now.

There he is. It's a real picture. It's okay. Where's the bowl of spaghetti? If you would hashtag this moment, what would it be? You're obviously a master. That moment or this moment? No, this one right here. Hashtag killing it, bro.

Hashtag. Hashtag. Hashtag. Hashtag. Manship. Man among boys. Yeah. Oh.

You're like an ultimate. You're like the Roman Reigns of Kill Tony. I would do hashtag your handshakes every time you hold the mic stand. I want to be honest real quick. I have a pinch in my neck right now. Wait, wait. We're in a vulnerable moment here. But when you said this next guy's a douche, I got scared because I immediately turned and looked at him. But then he goes, it's me, isn't it? I know. As soon as Tony starts saying anything

about douche, I made it. I know that I'm going up every time I hear the word douche. When I see you in the audience, you'll be like, what's up? Then I'll walk three steps and I'll hear you turn to at least one person and be like, that guy's such a douche. Not a bad impression.

Hashtag, uh-oh. Hashtag, gr grrr Mondays. It's a joke. It's not a joke. Grrr Mondays. How is that a joke? How is that a joke? All your pictures are that though. It's a joke to all of us. It's not a joke to you. Kevin. Man.

What would you have done if I had admitted that my Instagram was the douchiest thing about me? I would have – I mean you were playing along with it very well. I would have probably sent you back to your seat five minutes ago. I embrace my douchiness. I do. I embrace my douchiness. Let me ask you a question now. I think I have a good one.

If you're that douchey, if you'll do all that what's something in which you're like almost done but you're like whoa whoa that's too douchey for me it's him laying in the pill holding the old selfie he's holding this like he's like just woke up like he's holding it you can tell us that looks like the gay guy from te from Texas after he gets a makeover. All right. So if I tell you what I almost did but I didn't do it, then it's sort of douchey to say it because it's kind of name dropping. Go ahead. We know it's going to be douchey. That's your brand.

Stick with it. We love it. Own it. All right. I was at Coachella this week. Mario Lopez is involved, isn't he? No. He's got to be. I was at Coachella this week. Mario Lopez is involved, isn't he? No. It's got to be. I was at Coachella this weekend.

And I was just going to... This is fucking terrible. Wow. I love that something's worse than hashtag fucking everything. Lambo life. I saw Rihanna. I had the roofie in my left hand. No, that's hilarious, though.

Hey, Tony. Moses. What? Were you working at a ring stand there? Yeah. Moses? What? Were you working at a ring stand there? Yeah. Moses? Yeah, can I just say, if Kevin was a book in the Bible, he'd be douche-a-ron. Oh, fuck.

Douche-a-ron-omy. You're absolutely right, Moses. Another good one. Google it is a brilliant job. It's really good. That's a play on words. What was it? Go ahead and finish.

I took a picture. This is hurting him. He's having a douche stroke. I can feel the wave of judgment. I took a picture. Selfie style. I think it's going to be a tsunami of judgment, by the way. In a Bugatti with Chris Brown, who is a friend of mine.

Hashtag beating women. I took a picture of us in a Bugatti. Those are his rings. I was about to post it on Instagram with the hashtag. Wife beater? If you look at Rihanna's forehead, you can see this Native American. Right. Right to the top.

That's the ring, dude. I see it. What was the hashtag? Hashtag douche gadi. Hashtag these hoes ain't loyal. Oh, my God. And I didn't, but I did,

and I was like, no, that's too douchey. Like, I can't. Hashtag what can Brown do for you? Because there was like a bunch of girls. You could beat your wife for money. Because there was a bunch of girls. Granted, they were all on his side of the car,

but there were a bunch of girls in the background. On his side of the car? Yeah, like we were chilling in the Bugatti. He just had the window down, and he was just punching. And all these girls ran over, and we're like, Chris, Chris. I was just kind of on the other side with no girls on my side. What was your other cool friend Bill Cosby doing in the backseat of that Boogaloo? Well, Chris, we're having a good time with Kevin.

Hashtag. How'd you meet Chris Brown? We play basketball together. Oh, do you need a coach? Who's good with women? He'll offset Chris beating them in timeouts. Man. So you're going to embrace this douchey personality for your comedy?

Because, you know, I mean, comedy is a lot about being likable. Yeah, I know. I mean, I don't do the douchey stuff in my comedy. I don't do the douchey stuff in my comedy. I don't go out and say douchey jokes that douches would do. I'm a very self-deprecating in my comedy.

Can we take a time machine and have him listen to his own set from the audience's point of view and so forth. And so forth. Have you ever been to Nazareth? That's a good question. They have a club there.

The Laugh Manger. Okay. Okay. All right. Kevin, anything else? If you could say one thing to try to wipe away all the douchey. That's my boy, Paddy Ray.

Oh, boy. I spoke to my father for the first time in my life last week. Oh, wow. What was that like? Was he like, those bitches ain't loyal to you. Hashtag father-son shit. He's not from Jersey, but you're not far off. Hashtag sorry I've been missing for a while.

Hashtag going out for cigarettes. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. All right, Kevin. Thank you. This was a great appearance on this show. I would look at it as amazing.

It was very, very entertaining. Look at it as gaining Instagram followers. Let's hope. Yeah, exactly. I can use them. Thanks, guys. I appreciate it. Top 5%.

There he is. Kevin Mack on the top 5% of Instagram. Talked to his dad last week. We are in the present of greatness. For the first time ever. Wow. Yeah, man. Had he only met his dad sooner, he probably wouldn't have that douchey Instagram.

Or his dad's completely worse. What did you say? I said, no, he's a douche. Oh, he's a douche too. What's the douchiest thing about your dad? I kid you not, during our first conversation ever, one of the questions he asked me was, is your mom still hot?

Oh, God. And he's like, you bet she is. Top 5% mothers, bro. What was your answer to that? What? What was your answer to that? Tears. Fuck yeah.

Crying into his tattoos. Well, Chris Brown said my mom's hot, and I'm friends with him. And then he socked her up one day. Hashtag click. I said you can see her on my Instagram. Oh, he wants another follower. La la. All right.

You get top 5% shit. Trying to fill the hole in his Insta fam. Every single week, guys, we're going to go back to the bucket right after this. We're going to knock out our regular. We have a young lady who writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. We absolutely love her. She's got a new haircut. Let's talk about it.

It's the great Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. Hi. I shaved my hair off and it feels great. Honestly, I thought that shaving my hair would make me less

narcissistic in vain, but it turns out I'm still hot. Which is a pretty big bummer. It's always scary shaving your head. You don't know what you're going to look like underneath it all. And I'm so glad I look hot, because relying on my personality is exhausting. I do feel like with this haircut,

I'm, like, transitioning into Justin Bieber a little bit, which is tight. I respect him for now. I don't know. When I grew up, I grew up Catholic and Jewish, but I identified at one point as Christian. Because I went to school in Orange County, and everyone there was Christian, and so pretty much I got too competitive at these youth services. We would be worshiping, and I would try and out-worship everyone, like raise my hand even higher and sing louder

and try and cry as much as possible. Finish it. So then I would just be like well i would just be like how great and then like you know i wasn't getting as much attention as i wanted uh so then i would like judge the other worship leaders and i would be like i'm better at singing than these people and then i was like ali what are you doing you're at church you can't judge these people. You're better than that. And you're better than them. There you go, Allie McCoskey.

Alright. I have one quick question. What is worshipping? Did I say it like that? Worshipping. How is Haley Jade doing in college? Is that Eminem's daughter? It is. She looks beautiful. She has long,

flowing, blonde hair. Congratulations on your UFC win this past weekend. Rose Namajunas. How do you say that? Is it with a J or with a is it Hunas? Oh, Namajunas. Pat Barry's girlfriend, if you're

scoring at home. Is it really? Interesting. Yes, Jesus Christ. Do you really want to hurt me? Yeah, I feel like when I shaved my head, everyone just told me I looked like anyone with a shaved head.

You look like Louis Gossett Jr. a little bit from America. No, don't listen to those people. You're the funniest lesbian orphan I've ever seen. Why'd you shave it? There we go. I've been wanting to those people. You're the funniest lesbian orphan I've ever seen. Why'd you shave it? There we go. It's such a boring story.

I wanted to do it for a long time, and I was too scared to do it, and then I just did it. I thought it was a boring story. I thought you were going to do that church joke from earlier. Oh, shit. Allie's mom's giving me the evil eyes on that one. She's here tonight.

Put your hands together for Mrs. Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. One of our favorite Kill Tony moms ever. Up there with all the greats like Lainey and Joy. I saw you put the mic on your chin. I know. I do that a lot. I would say not to do that. These mics are fucking disgusting.

It's an easy way to get herpes. Why is it when you do your comedy, you kind of slow down and you do more of a vocal fry when you do it? I've noticed that your normal voice isn't as slow and stuff. But when you're doing comedy, you kind of go, well, I don't know. Well, I think especially with this, it's a minute that I'm writing every week. And so I don't really know how it's going to go on stage, and so I'm kind of taking my time to see if anything comes up while I say it. By the way, it makes sense how you do your delivery.

You're performing. You're not just talking. How long have you been coming to this show? To Kill Tony? I first started coming just to watch when I first started, and then I became a regular I don't know when. Yeah, probably a year ago or something. Oh, okay.

How long have you been doing comedy in general? Almost three years. And you're 21? 21. Oh, young. Killer. She started when she started her period. Sorry, Mom.

It's a very late, it's a late period. Yeah. Like a gymnast. Talk's a very late... It's a late period. Yeah. Like a gymnast. Maybe I can talk to a doctor about that. Nobody knows more about the female anatomy than Brian Redman over here. Aging Dr. Redman. His hand's at your butt.

Did she tell you that, or did you just, like, smell it or something? I smelled it. Double overtime. Ali, Ali. Jesus. Yes. Does the carpet match the carpet?

What? Very confusing, Jesus. No. But it would be cool if it did. I would do that. All right. Have you been, like, do you have, like, a regular guy that you hook up with or something like that? Let me ask you that.

Lately, did the haircut affect that at all? No, I can't tell if people are... I don't have a regular guy I'm hooking up with. I'm trying to remain abstinent at this time in my life. Have you ever hooked up with War Machine? Ex Machina? He looks like Christy Mack. Kevin Mack's sister?

You ever go warshipping with War Machine? That's what she meant by it. I forget what the second part... Oh, I can't tell if people are staring at me because they're like, wow, what a babe. Or if they're like, she's lost her mind. Can you take the hat off? I just want to check the look.

She's got it. You have a nice round head. Can you take the hat off? I just want to check the look. She's got it. You have a nice round head. I told her the other day. I think a lot of people want to know, like, worst case scenario, if it all goes, what's my head look like? It's a good head. It's kind of scary because I'm like, my noggin's just right in there. You know, there's nothing. It was the whole time, but now it's good you realize it.

You can also get a lot of cancer sympathy laughs off that. Yeah. She'll probably open with that and pass the hat around. She looks like peanut allergy M&M. Wait, what? Oh. Oh. Allie, anything interesting happen in your

real life this week other than the haircut? Precious came into my work and I was like, this is either Precious or I'm about to bully someone. That's amazing. Where do you work? I work at a French restaurant in Los Feliz. I was hoping Starbucks and you just write Precious on all fat black women's

cups. Is it Figuerella? It is. I live hoping Starbucks and you just write Precious on all fat black women's cups. Is it Figueroa? It is. All right. I live a block from there. Whoa. He'll be seeing you. Yeah.

A lot. I'll pretend that I have never seen you before. Good, good, good. I saw. Role play. What? I saw. What's the name of the place? I don't want to like really blow it up.

I can give you the address. Okay, perfect. It's right on. Let me ask a better question. How much did the lady that played Precious order at the French restaurant? She's thin now. Thinner. Whoa, did she just fart?

Jesus, what does that mean to you? Try to give her a compliment. Is that a plague? I remember hearing that she had lost weight, and I saw her, and I was like, she's still Precious, based on the novel Pushed by Sapphire. You mean precious like you're a precious woman. Like if she had lost a substantial amount of weight, you'd be

like, is that precious? I feel like she didn't lose it in her head. She still sort of has a big head, right? Sort of like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, like a wide. Oh. She's precious. Did you call her that? You know she has a real name, right? No, I didn't.

I just kept staring at her. Oh, that's good. Very good. I'm very chill. Way to handle it. At that point, you'll be friends with Chris Brown in no time. I could see you with a pair of tongs like fat calipers just in the like, get away from her. Back away.

Whoa, what? What happened? Whoa, I think Precious is back. Oh, shit. A quick shout out to Mad Cow Disease. Wow, okay. All right, Allie. Great times.

Okay, bye. Yeah, I would say that the Precious thing is definitely a joke. Out of the minute 37 seconds that you did, that would have been very easy to say I was at wait tables this week and Precious came in. That or the thing. She put the wait in waiting tables. Hi-oh!

Okay, bye! There she goes, Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. She's Allie Makovsky on all social media sites. We got time. You guys want to go to the bucket again? Huh? See if we can out-douche ourselves. The beginning was very Very diverse

And then it got super white as we went on Let's see what happens here Put your hands together for Richard Bowen Wow Deep in the corner Richard Bowen Put your hands together for Richard everybody Come on Richard Bowen. Put your hands together for Richard, everybody.

Come on. Hey. Hi. I was born in a basement and raised in an elevator. When I was six years old, I wanted to double my age and almost overdosed on B12 vitamins. When I was eight, I went to my friend Steve's eighth birthday party, and he offered me a piece of cake, and I was like, no thanks, Steve, I'm already eight. Those guys like it. When I was in middle school, my English

teacher caught me stealing chairs from his classroom, so he brought me into his office, and he was like, please, Mr. Bowen, take a seat. And I was like, it's only fun if I'm not supposed to. Yeah, I didn't like that guy. I love my creative writing teacher, though. He'd pass every student no matter what. He just didn't give an F, you know? Yeah.

Then I got really depressed in high school, you guys. My principal caught me trying to hang myself. Yeah. I was suspended. In a way, though, I'm kind of glad that the public school system let me down. Because now I'm up here and I love it up here. Thank you.

Wow, Richard Bowen. That's a smathering of very funny one-liners. Yeah. Thank you. That was a lot of jokes in one minute. Fuck yeah, it was. Yeah, I've never almost laughed harder.

Punch slant. Big pun. Oh, dude. You like puns. I love puns. I'm going to take a guess on this one. I'm excited about this. I'm going to say you've been doing stand-up five years,

and you're from Phoenix, Arizona. No, just over three years. I'm from about this. I'm going to say you've been doing stand-up five years and you're from Phoenix, Arizona. Nope. Just over three years, I'm from Burlington, Vermont. I just worked for two months in Phoenix. A lot of people call Burlington... There you go. I'll take that as the... Boom. Yeah. This guy. Feeling Phoenix. Oh, did I get the

thing on that? What's with the watch tattoo? Oh, God. That's a swatch watch. I'm a skater. You're a skater? It says time to grind. Wow. Did he beat Kevin Mack?

What the fuck? Cleaning the cube? Kevin already took an Instagram of that like it was his own. Hashtag nice ink. Gleam of life. Gleaming the cube was his own. Hashtag nice ink. Gleam in the cube was fucked up. That was a fucked up movie. Do you ever wear a regular watch on top of it because it's a shitty tattoo?

No, I got the option though. That is nice. Can you turn it over? Does it connect? It's a bold move, man. What were you doing in Phoenix? He was grinding, bro. I actually built skate parks for a living. You built skate parks?

Joel Jimenez works at a skate park. Oh, really? I used to work at one before I became Joelberg and started doing better, you know? Was that before or after you were in No Doubt? It was after. It was after. It was after. But the kids hated me when I worked at the skate park. And one time they jumped the fence. They tagged Fuck Joel all over the skate park.

Damn. It was this guy. Which skate park? He's like, it's time to tag Fuck Joel all over this park. Richard, you build skate parks. It's true. Man. This guy reminds me of a white Feng Chao, doesn't he?

Yeah. Meets Josh Martin. Yeah. I've never met Josh Martin. Meets Harry Potter. Meets Christian Slater. I get Harry Potter a lot. Do you design them, or are you the dude that's pouring the smarts?

I do design them, not for this company. I'm just a laborer. You do it just to meet those kids? I just do it because, I don't know, normal jobs don't work out for this guy. Smart ass? Smart ass. That's right.

No doubt. No doubt. So are you building a skate park in Los Angeles right now, or do you live here? No, so I just finished about a week ago, and now I'm touring for seven weeks doing stand-up. Ooh. Back to New England. How much time do you do on the road?

Well, I don't have anything booked. I just – No, no. How long is your set? I mean, I can do anything, really. I could do an hour. I could do anything. How many jokes, if you do an hour, you did like 10 jokes for one minute.

Yeah. So you had to do 600 jokes for an hour. Yeah, I try to do a punchline every five to ten seconds. Is that really your style, truly? You have that much time? Yeah, I really. Time to joke. It's true.

I should change it. I should cross it out. No, that still applies to joke. It's true. I should change it. I should cross it out. No, that still applies to both. When you were building skate parks, you were originally going to be a plumber, but you were like, I can't make a full pipe. Hell yeah.

We had a couple skaters over. I didn't know you skated. Yes, it's wood, isn't it? It's true. My father was a carpenter. Richard, you were a carpenter. They used nails when they crucified you, but you really got screwed, huh?

Oh, yeah. This kid's got to get this kid off the stage. Richard Bowen is a goddamn prodigy over here. Have you always been writing these jokes? How dare you? This blasphemous fool. Oh, he called you a fool. Do you think in those, like, do you always think of these play on words?

It's pretty fucking annoying, yeah. Ask any of my friends and they're always like, okay, when's it coming? You're like, time to grind's over, bro. Take a rest. I seriously have a safe word on Facebook. If I put a serious post, I have to write pancake. You have to say pancake? That's not a joke.

I mean, I picked it. When Red Band babysits, he has the same thing for the game. That's my safe word. Richard, what else are you into? What else do you do for fun? I really like word games. I like Boggle. Wow.

I play Anagram, shit like that. You ever played a game of Risk? I've never played Risk, no. Keep going with your answer. I played a game of Risk for 40 years in the desert. Jeez. 40 years! Really can't get over that, can you, Moses?

I don't know if it's Billy Crystal from Princess Bride this whole time. To play! And the Oscar goes to... You're killing it, Moses. I would love to have you on a Death Squad show in the future, maybe next month at the Ice House. I'll be gone, but I'll be back in the fall. Whenever you get back.

Okay, great. He has shows on book that are booked that he has to do the next seven weeks. Yeah. He's got to turn you down, dude. I would love to just see you do like 10 minutes, man, 15 minutes. Hell yeah. That's brilliant. And I can't believe that we don't know about you yet.

Oh, yeah. You were really taken by this. If he can do an hour of what he just did, fucking gold. It's not super polished, but I mean, I got it. Still mad. I got jokes. Oh, wait, here comes one of them. It's not polished, but.

Oh, fuck. I believe you mean waxed. Polished, but. It's an old bird. Damn, I froze up. I actually, I make a book. Lightning and ponder over here. Yes, you actually have a book of.

I make a little joke zine once a month. The jokes are free, but there's a $1 cover. All right. There he goes. Richard Bowen, ladies and gentlemen, on his way. He's on Twitter at ColorblindBowen, B-O-W-E-N. That was a freaky minute. Very good one-liners.

Hard to do one-liners that we haven't heard before, right? That's a lot. Ryan O'Neill and Jeff motherfucking Danish, ladies and gentlemen, were your guests tonight. Listen to their podcast. Yeah, this is it. We did it. What else do you guys have? Tell us where we can find it and everything.

You can find the podcast on iTunes. Just type in Danish and O'Neill. Follow us on Twitter at Danish and O' find it and everything. You can find the podcast on iTunes. Just type in Danish and O'Neill. Follow us on Twitter at Danish and O'Neill and Instagram. We're bottom 98% of Instagram right now. But there's no H in Danish, right? So it's D-A-N-I-S. There is an H. Oh, there is?

Full Danish. And there's two L's in O'Neill. Really? Yeah. O-N-E-I-L-L. And there's two S's in Moses. The great Jeremiah Watkins will be joining us this

weekend in Texas at Moon Tower in Houston, which is a really big deal. Anything else you got? The great Jeremiah Watkins does everything. If you see Pat Reagan or I in public, ask for a sticker. We have new Reagan and Watkins stickers, and we'll give it to you for free.

Moses giving away stuff for free. Doesn't even have a pair of fucking shoes to his name. The feet are literally dirty. Jesus Christ. The great Patty Reagan, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter at Patty Reagan. P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N.

You know, people think God has all these superpowers that humans don't. But humans have a lot of superpowers. God doesn't. For example, the power to not be bothered by the smell of your own defecation. I'm Jesus, the son of God. Technically, I am God. And my turds smell putrid to me.

Okie dokie. The great Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. Joel Berg. We love him. He's killing it. He's on Twitter at MostlySorry. Anything else you want to promote, Joel? He's happy to be here.

Danish, O'Neal, we're going to be Moon Tower and all that fun shit this weekend. Houston, this Sunday, two shows, Kill Tony and a secret show with Luis J. Gomez and many more, Jeremiah Watkins and Josh Martin. You can go right now, get it. Bunch of special guests there.

Make sure you're there if you're in Texas. Live audience for tonight. We had so much fun with you. Thank you so much. A blast. And we'll see you guys again soon. Have a great night. Thank you.

Goodbye. Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry? Precious kisses, what's happened to me? And others never ask you why In my heart the fire's burning Choose my color, find a star Precious people always tell me That's a step, a step too far. Thank you.