KILL TONY - KILL TONY #207 (AUSTIN)

Episode Date: April 27, 2017

Sal Vulcano, Big Jay Oakerson, Dom Irrera, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 04/22/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit rebelsis.ca.

Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv, for everything Kill Tony. Not only do we have our tour dates, we have videos of past episodes. When we have all the audio episodes up there, just search deathsquad.tv. You can also see this episode, which is a crazy episode we recorded in Austin at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. They're at the really cool bar called The Speakeasy. And something crazy happens in this episode, so you probably want to check out their video portion.

You can just do that by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on videos. Tour dates coming up this Saturday, April 29th. We are doing a secret show at the Improv here in Hollywood, California. And if you're a Kill Tony fan, you're going to like this episode because Tony Hinchcliffe is going to be there. Reagan and Watkins are going to be performing. We also have Bobby Lee. Mikey McCurran, you might have seen him on Kill Tony recently. He's going to be doing a set there.

George Perez, John Heffron, Andrew Santino. And it's going to be hosted by Kate Quigley. And I'm going to be there, of course. So check that out. You can just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Don't forget to go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. He has a bunch of merch. He has a bunch of merch. He has a bunch of other podcasts he does and stuff.

Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, has the new Death Squad poster. I mean, Kill Tony poster, which is really cool. It's the second one. And he also does every episode he draws. And so you can get prints of all those if you wanted. Go to RyanJEbelt.com for all that. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv.

That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. You always see me wear those Death Squad hats. Well, we got some in stock right now. The 2017 Lucky Stripe hats are at shopsquad.tv. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of kill Tony live from Austin, Texas at the moon tower comedy festival. Hey,

this is Ray. I'm coming to you live from the speakeasy at the 2017 moon tower comedy festival. live from the speakeasy at the 2017 Moon Tower Comedy Festival. The first one presented by Tony, here's Tony Hensclough. What the fuck? Hello! Austin, Texas, make some fucking noise.

You are the number one live contestant of the week. Holy shit. Holy shit. A bunch of Austin people signed up. Look at this little tiny... Josh, are all the names in this thing? Wow, look at that. Like fucking 10 scared shitless people. A bunch of goddamn pussies out there

afraid to sign up to do 60 seconds, huh? You guys ready to have a fun fucking show tonight or what? I know I am. Let's just jump right into it. No promotions, no commercials. I think that Moon Tower recording did that all for us right from the top. Thank you to Jolly Rancher, Sprite, Pepsi, Coca-Cola, every fucking thing in the world. So let's just do it.

You guys love great comedians? You guys like some of the funniest human beings on the planet? Great. My three guests tonight are Big Jay Oakerson, Sal Volcano, and Dom Irera. Make some fucking noise, Austin. Here we go. Sal Volcano, the impractical joker. Big Jay Oakerson,

What's Your Fucking Deal on CISO, and Dom Irera. One of the greatest of all time. The GOAT, Dom Irera. You guys can take those mics out of those things if you want, or you can leave them in, whatever you want. We normally don't have them. I like to hold them.

Like a midget sitting in a hole. It is sort of a high table and a fucking... I like it. Less work for me. I like it. I'm excited. You guys seem like you're in a good mood. You guys have all done this show before.

I'm super pumped to have you back. How many of you have heard this show before and are fans of the show? Fuck yeah. It's very exciting. You never know with these comedy festivals. Sometimes it's a bunch of goddamn strangers. You know what I mean? But I'm excited about this.

If you're a fan of the show as much as I am, then you know that my favorite part of this entire show, through all the crazy shit that goes on, is we have a band on Kill Tony. And believe it or not, one of the first times that we've had a band member at the festival that we're at with us, one is here. It just so happens to be the great Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. You know him from Reagan and Watkins.

Kill Tony, the goddamn comedy jam. Roast battle. His own show, Standup on the spot, The Future, Jeremiah motherfucking Watkins, the only white member of the all-black wave on Roast Battle. How does all-black wave sound more racist than all-negro wave? It goes both ways. They're all terrible people. Just kidding, guys.

Just kidding. That's a joke. I was raised in an all black neighborhood. That's where a lot of the swagger that you're seeing tonight comes from. Thank you. Brian, thank you. Really couldn't wait to get that one out. Put your hands together for the great Josh Martin over here,

running around, taking care of us, looking like he's built out of Legos for some reason. Well, I'm excited about this. I guess not a ton of people signed up. I'm sort of surprised about that. Last time we did Austin, we've done it a couple times. This is actually the smallest

amount of people. Spider House Ballroom. There's normally like a hundred people that sign up. A bunch of pussies in Texas, I guess. Just kidding. Jesus Christ. Anybody people that sign up. A bunch of pussies in Texas, I guess. Just kidding. Jesus Christ. Anybody want to sign up now? If anybody wants to sign up now, find Josh Martin over on the side. If you have the balls and if you think you can make us laugh and fucking have some fun with us.

You know how it works. Comedians come on stage. You get pulled out of this thing and you randomly do 60 seconds. After that, we talk to you maybe about your set, maybe about anything in the world. Maybe we just interview you about your normal life and find something more funny about you than what you actually talked about. You know how it works. You get 60 seconds. You know your time is

up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Oh, you can barely hear that. Why don't you turn it up a little bit, Brian? There you go. Wow, he has hand-on-y volume control the entire time. You wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go.

You don't want that to happen. As you'll see, it's embarrassing when you're talking and then that happens. So wrap it up in 60 seconds. You guys ready to start the motherfucking show or what? Yeah. Yeah. You never know who's going to sign up for these things. Sometimes it's

one of the top local comedians in a place like this. Sometimes it's a completely insane person that just signs up for random things on lists on the sidewalk and then sticks around. And watch out for the stairs. The stairs are over here, so if you get called, watch out. There's a lot of cables

and shit. And don't stand up too fast, you could get lightheaded. Yeah. Ease into it. You guys ready to start this thing or what? This is the actual start of the show. We are in it. I'm pulling a name out. They get an uninterrupted 60 seconds,

and then we talk to them about anything in the world. Wow. This person I actually know, he has signed up for multiple Kiltones around the country and never gotten pulled. And he showed up here. He drove all the way from Kansas for this.

Put your hands together for Trey Thompson, everybody. Woo! Oh, man. Ha ha ha. People ask me all the time if I play basketball. I don't. I'm not good at it. The only thing I'm good at playing is with bitches' emotions. I deliver pizzas.

I think you should always tip the man who delivers your pizza. I also think you should tip the man who delivers your pizza I also think you should tip the man who delivers your baby I didn't tip my doctor And I got my baby with spit on it Didn't even notice until I was halfway through my meal You guys need me to spoon feed that punchline to you? You guys know that sibling rivalry game Where the older brother holds the younger brother down and acts like they're going to spit in their face

and right before the spit touches their face, he sucks it back up? I had three brothers, so two would hold me down and one would take a shit on my face. But it wasn't disgusting because right before the shit would touch my face, he'd suck it back up into his asshole. Or at least that's what he told me he tried to do. The last thing I want to do before I die is kill myself.

There you go. That cat is too quiet, Brian. Too quiet. That needs to be louder so that everybody can hear it. Trey Thompson, everybody. Tony motherfucking Hinchwood. Answering the age-old question, where's Waldo? Found him.

He signed up for a show in Austin, Texas. So this is it. How do you feel? You've wanted to do this for a long time. It wasn't worth it. I know, right? This is what I've been trying to do for a year. Funny, my favorite part of that set,

through all the jokes that it seems like you worked really hard to write, was by far the seven seconds of you unwinding the cord on the mic stand. It's very impressive. Thank you. Have you practiced that before? You used to wireless mics or something? I just wasn't prepared.

Wow, that was the saddest answer. He's hilarious from this angle because he looks like a giant baby boy. The killer boy. You really are. You look like some type of fifth grader that got run over by a semi-truck and came back to life, just stretched out.

You know the moment I love that we'll never have again is right after the words, I want to kill myself, and then you just hear a sax go, And then you just hear a sax go... I know Trey also. We hung out in Overland Park, Kansas.

Stanford. At Stanford and Sons. And Trey was very cool. He brought me weed. We almost went to a movie. I don't know anything about that. He did say the words Tony Hinchcliffe the better part of 400 times that weekend. I don't know what he's talking about either.

This is a big deal for him. And Trey's a good kid. Yeah, dark, dark. A minute of dark comedy is always going to seem darker even because you're not even you can't get a gauge for the actual personalities. It's just like murder.

And he does naturally look like a guy who's going to kill a girl and then keep her and change her clothes every day. I think it's very gracious of you that you would hang out with an open mic. I would never hang out with an open mic. He's a good kid. I got a lot of credits.

He's talking to him. Is your whole set dirty? How much time do you think you've compiled? I got about seven minutes. I started in June, last June. How come you didn't do any of the seven minutes here tonight? Oh, I'm kidding, guys.

Oh, oh. Look what he signed up for. I thought he packed a lot I've done this show before and I think out of everyone I saw Even on that show there was like 20 comics You packed the most You were very efficient with your minute outside of the Full pile with the wire

But it was very aggressive And depressing in that one minute So it was effective If the goal of comedy is to be aggressive And depressing But it was fun, I liked some comedy is to be aggressive and depressing. But it was fun. I liked some of the jokes.

I think it's funny that you have tried to get on for a year, and you traveled all the way here to get on here, and we only got like nine names. It would have been hysterical if you picked eight, and he just didn't get picked. Well, sorry, that's it, everybody. Sorry to Trey Thompson, who didn't get picked tonight. It looks like we're one minute over. How long was your drive getting here?

You got here today. I went to Houston yesterday. Oh, what'd you do in Houston? I'm staying with Jake Walker, the blind guy that got up in Houston last time. Oh, Jesus, Trey. You guys know what he's talking about? Oh, blind Jake.

Does he know you're staying with him? Or is he just the regular blind guy? Red Band! What did I do this time? You said you had a 12-hour drive? Did you practice your set 720 times?

I do math jokes. Trey, if you do kill yourself, don't hang yourself, because I'm going to assume you were just trying to jerk off. So you traveled here 20 hours with a blind guy? No, he lives in Houston. I drove to stay at his house. And he's the one with the car.

Yeah, he drove you here. He drives with a stick outside the window. It's a crazy long stick. It's a long, yeah, you've got to be real careful. I've only seen it done twice. Successfully. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Were there any awkward moments? They're dragging a dog. Oh, blind jokes and math are my forte. This really fell into your wheelhouse, Sal. Oh, man. Have you ever been with an older man? No.

Were there any genuinely awkward moments hanging out with a blind guy? No, he's cool. Oh, you have a long drive back to Houston tonight. That's what it sounds like to me. All right, Trey. Did you try to jerk off in the room really quiet? No panting?

He's the one that's not 100% blind. He can see like a pin, right? He can see through a pinhole. Wow. So then he can see your dick if it's out. That's what you're saying. He's here? All right, tell him I'm waving to him.

All right, Trey. Well, I mean, that was fun. You know, I'm going to agree with Sal on this. Efficiency, definitely. In 60 seconds, you were able to pack an enormous amount of mediocre jokes into a set. But it was fun, man. Thank you. You're edgy. You're talking about real stuff. But it was fun, man. Thank you. You're edgy.

You're talking about real stuff. People do notice your weird height. Do you have any jokes about how you look like a child? About how you don't seem like you should be saying the dirty things that you're saying? I had a joke that I look like

a 17-year-old who rapes 17-year-olds. Dude, nice. Awesome. Awesome. All right, there he goes. Let's move on. Trey Thompson, everybody. Awesome. Awesome. All right, there he goes. Let's move on. Trey Thompson, everybody, living his dreams. He drove 20 hours for this.

Make some noise, guys. He's on Twitter at Tall and Oats. Ooh, Tall and Oats. He fucking looks like Dan Soder's lighting double or something. Really disturbing. It just hit me. I like this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Seeker of the Ooze lighting that we have up here today.

Yeah, it made Trey look very creepy. It made him have double eyebrows because he's wearing glasses. Something to keep an eye on later, especially if you're listening to this podcast right now. You got the power ballad lighting. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Another uninterrupted 60 seconds

goes to Benjamin Harrison. Here we go. Here comes Benjamin. I don't want to be a bummer to you guys, but didn't you know was good that was good uh i hate people my own age uh i think it's because we throw the word savage around too much like you go to a bar see two dudes hanging out one dude will shotgun a beer throw the can on the ground and his buddy will be like yo dude that was fucking savage bro no it wasn't it's not like you burned down someone's hut stole their horses and enslaved their family and then shotgunned a beer. Because that would be fucking savage, bro.

I mean, you might date rape someone later, but you got nothing on Genghis Khan. I'm not saying we should use the word less. I'm just saying you should at least systematically destroy an entire culture first, but whatever. I got one for Redman. Do you guys know that dogs have periods? Yeah, I got... I got a dog, and I didn't know that until it was too late.

It was like the most surprising set of Red Wings in history. That's what I got. Oh, boy. Thanks a lot, man. There he is. Benjamin Harrison giving Red Band a shout-out before a joke. Thanks for that joke. This is a very special episode of all children only kill Tony.

I like this. Last guy looked like a seventh grade basketball player. You're clearly the linebacker. Yeah. I think he's a pro. You've gotten paid before, right? Yeah, I just got paid for my first feature spot

recently. I like the Bob Barker joke. As corny as it was, it made me laugh. And I'm not a laugher. I pride myself on not laughing at people like you. That's fair enough. It's true. I let the Barker joke marinate. And it's like an aftertaste of something when you eat it. All of a sudden it's like, wait a minute.

No, that was funny to me. I also like how you seamlessly transitioned from Barker jokes to eating dogs' pussies on period jokes and rape jokes. It was seamless. I don't feel good about telling that joke anymore either. You went straight from the Plinko to the Stinko.

You know what I'm saying? I like to call it eclectic. Eclectic comedy. Did he just write that right then? I have a question. One in the Plinko. In my defense, I never tell that joke anymore, but I was like, yeah, you know, Red Band always tells the grossest shit on this, so I was like, I gotta

bring it out. You just got paid for your first feature set and you've already retired material? No, I just... That's fucking fantastic. You know what? I'm putting this one to bed. Obviously not forever.

I just don't like it. It grosses me out. You live here in Austin? No, I'm from Corpus. Corpus Christi. Why do you think I like period jokes anyway? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't start, Brian.

I have no idea why. Oh, I see. He's wearing a Tampax shirt. Podcast listeners. What do you do for work? Just some bullshit desk job. What type of bullshit desk job? Keeping logs and records.

You know, like filing. Those are the types of logs that you work with? I'm surprised, actually. When you said you worked at a bullshit desk job, I was about to interject and say, don't say that about yourself. And then you said keeping logs and records. I'm like, oh shit, it was a bullshit desk job.

I have an important question, I think. How long are those sleeves when they're not rolled up? Like way too long. They're still too long. So you're doing observational comedy now I really like the Bob Barker joke That you led with set a tone for me And I was like oh okay

Because even if it was corny It was the kind of joke that I don't necessarily think corny is not funny And then it was hard for me to transition into the gross stuff within one minute. But I guess that's the nature of it. But I thought you did pretty good, man. How old are you, Benjamin? I appreciate it.

23. 23. You're in Corpus Christi, Texas, one of the godforsaken places on this planet. Just truly, truly the worst. I actually did a guest spot when you came by the pizza place. Oh, okay. Yeah. I don't know if the pizza place. Oh, okay, yeah. I don't know if you remember that. No, no, I don't.

I've erased all of that. You were just, like, mad the entire time. That makes sense, Benjamin. Let's keep this about you, Benjamin. Let's keep this about you. Thank you. Thank you. You got me there, Benjamin.

Very good. So you secretly work in the pizza parlor, Colin? Very good, yes. They pay a lot of money for a pizza parlor. Shout out to my agent, Ari, who's somewhere actually here. They pay a lot of money. It's a fucking pizza parlor, though.

I was furious. The golden pepperoni. It ate my soul immediately. I realized what selling out really felt like. Shout out to the owner of that comedy club if he's here. Made the short drive from Portland. Did you ever do the thing in a...

I'll never have him at my pizza place again. Have you ever done... There's a place in Florida that was like a comedy club. It was like a fish restaurant also. Oh, yeah. I've heard about that. Hook them Captain Brian's. Yeah, off the hook or something like that.

But while you're doing it, they're bringing out a whole salmon to a table while you're... That's a salmon sound, if you're wondering. That's all I got. Salmon. Man's friend in the sea. So you're 23. You're stuck in Corpus. What keeps you in Corpus? Do you have a lady or something?

I do have a girlfriend, surprisingly. How long have you two been dating? A few months now. Since February. Where'd you meet her? I'm good at math if you want me to do it for you. No, no. It's two months.

Yeah. Where'd you meet this? Don't worry, I'm quick. You guys are going to fucking destroy me for this, but she actually plays D&D at the place I play Magic the Gathering. That's usually the situation when someone goes, I have a girlfriend, believe it or not.

And then you make it very believable. I cast a spell on her. Where is this place where people can play D&D and Magic the Gathering? Is it inside of a high school locker? Tony's trying to find out who books it. You son of a bitch! It's true. I'll need an opener, Benjamin.

Did you say this place is packed? Where are my nerds at? How long have you been doing it? A year and some change. Only here in Texas? I've been here for like a year and some change. You know Billy Bonnell?

It's like a Billy Bonnell clone. There you go. Hold up a picture of Billy Bonnell, everybody, if you want to laugh at that one later on. I guess he sort a picture of Billy Bonnell, everybody, if you want to laugh at that one later on. I guess he sort of looks like Billy Bonnell. And he's from, Billy's from Corp, I think. Is that true? Yeah.

Oh, wow. It's hard to get up here for sure, especially in front of a crowd like this. You seem like a really sweet guy. I'm rooting for you. Oh, thanks, man. Oh, man, I'm going to, like, cry. Do you and your, definitely don't cry, Benjamin. Do you and your nerd girlfriend ever do anything Like nerdy in the bedroom

Is there something that you guys do Like tie each other up with like fucking Sure random Sound effect out of absolutely nowhere Nothing Nothing yet I mean you know Who knows what the future holds I don't know

Have you guys had sex yet Did that take a while for you to do that who knows what the future holds. I don't know. Have you guys had sex yet? Yeah, yeah. Did that take a while for you to do that? She had to take off all of her chain mail and armor. I'm not exactly like a fast mover, you know what I mean? I'm not, I don't know. Tell us, what do you mean by that?

Let's just talk truth here, Benjamin. What was that noise you guys just made? Is this a town hall or something? I'm not like the dude who's like, oh yeah, I'm gonna fuck that chick. I'm like, hey, like, you know. Yes. I'm like, hey, do you want to cuddle?

Maybe look into each other's eyes a little bit? Oh, so you're gay. Gay. So, you know, what was like your first, you know, the first date, the first time you hooked up with her? How far did you get? Let's see. First date, we actually went out on Valentine's Day, which was a fucking mistake.

Why? Well, we both had been single so long we forgot it was Valentine's Day. And so we went out and we were like, oh, shit, it's Valentine's Day. And she actually came to an open mic that I did and I was like, oh Jesus Christ. Oh, that was a bigger mistake. Yeah, it was really rough, but you know, it's whatever. I got heckled by a dude who looked like he was in ZZ Top and then I looked like an asshole. It was whatever.

Can you do your whole entire set over with this music playing in the background? I think I'm onto something. I think I'm onto something. I think Brian's onto something. Yeah. And then I came in my pants. Yeah. So then what did she say after you got in that awkward thing with ZZ Top? Did you try to explain it like, normally it

goes better, babe? No, no. She was really cool about it. She's like, that guy was an asshole. You were doing alright. And then she was all like, speaking of asshole, wanna see mine? And you're like, well, normally I'm not a fast mover. Yeah. But I could jump right into that

shit. What? Mr. Nice Guy. If you wanna fuck a role-playing girl on the first date, just start fucking her and yell Leroy Jenkins. You know what? For the eight people that got it. More than worth it. At least I got some chicken, you know what I'm saying? Yikes.

Alright, Benjamin. Well, that sounds like fun. Why is your Twitter handle Toadie McFrog? It's an old thing from when I was a kid, but I've always liked it. What was old thing from when I was a kid, but I've always liked it What was the what was the thing from when you were a kid? Oh, do you make frog was like this cartoon character that I came up with he's like he's a frog looks like a toad

Benjamin yeah, tell us get on down. How old were you when you came up? How old were you when you came up with toadie McFrog? Like 11 or 12. I thought it was great. A frog and a toad, excuse my ignorance here, but they're two different things? Yeah, evidently. They are two different things. I'm not an expert. I just came up with a stupid cartoon.

But are they not two different things? They are. When it comes to Toadie McFrog, you are the expert, Benjamin. That's true. You created it with your mind. Sal's a math comic, not a zoologist. Is it half toad, half frog? No, he's a frog that looks like a toad.

Huh. But it's a frog and a toad. Are they two different things? Can anyone tell me the difference? Don't yell at me yes like everyone knows that. Are they both amphibians? Yes, but they are different things. What is the main difference?

I don't know. The frog is a little bit more of a fast mover. A frog has webbed feet. It's water-based. A toad can't live underwater. It doesn't have gills. And Frog and Toad, the book, they were gay. Did you know that? Whoa, Jesus. I didn't know any

of that, Brian. Frogs have wet feet. I had no idea. I probably knew that at some point. So I would never see a toad in a pond? Right. You would see a dead one. Whoa, that scientist guy just said right. Look at this fucking guy. Cock brown.

Why do you look so smart? What do you do, sir? Sorcerer. Don't shake your fucking head no. I'm going to make you do 60 seconds if you ever shake your head no to me again like that. Don't you ever do that. Ever.

He's like, Jigga what? How are you not at the science march right now? This is unbelievable. This fucking guy. You look like you're constantly discovering things. Yeah. Like the flex capacitor, the 1.21 gigawatts. The government doesn't want the cure.

It wants the treatments. I love it. Well, Benjamin, it was nice re-meeting you. Yeah, thanks for having me. Maybe I'll see you again at the pizza joint. There he goes, Benjamin Harrison. He's on Twitter as Tony McFrog. Tony McFrog.

I was hoping nobody was ever going to find out that I performed at that pizza joint that weekend. And it just happened on a big episode. Motherfucker. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Ryan Giles. Here we go. Whoa, right up from the middle.

Perfect music for this, because he literally is getting up from the middle. Perfect music for this because he literally is getting up from the middle of the crowd. We'd have a shaky cam if it was any more Price is Right. One more time for Ryan Childs, everybody. Come on. What's up, everybody? I recently moved to Austin from Las Vegas. It was awesome.

We had to leave because it started getting very weird. One day my wife came home from the gym and she was all excited and she said, Babe, I just met this super buff black guy at the gym and he worked me out so hard. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? And she said, no, not like that. He's a trainer, but he's also a stripper. And he was telling me how much money they make, and I totally think you should do it. And I said, what the fuck are you talking about, babe? She's like, no, no, seriously, not now,

but if you waited like nine months and you really worked out really hard, I think nine months, you could totally get big enough to do it. And I said, honey, I don't think you know what you're talking about. These guys are doing private shows in hotel rooms in Las Vegas. They whip their dick out, it gets crazy. You don't even know what goes on there.

And she's like, honestly, for the type of money he was talking about, if they want to do anything to your dick, I don't even care. And I was shocked. I'm like, seriously? Nine months? Do you really think I could do that? Think I could go? That's it. I had one joke.

Ryan Giles nailing it. Exactly 60 seconds Ryan, that was a very fun set Couldn't help but to notice Do you always have Ambulances and fire trucks As part of your whole thing? There you go

It was aggressive, you got fire trucked That's what we call that in comedy Silences and fire trucks was part of your whole thing? There you go. It was aggressive. You got fire trucked. That's what we call that in comedy. If you're wondering. You just learned something. I feel like everything that could have been possible problems for that particular joke happened.

It was one minute of comedy with a minute and 20 second set up. Yep. Thanks to Doc Brown, we went back to the future a little bit and gave him a little extra time. And then 30 seconds of the minute of the 30 oddly enough

whispering sections of the joke. Massive, massive crime happening outside. The odds were stacked against Ryan so what are you doing here in Austin actually I'm working accounting accounting what we could tell by the joke what were you doing in Las Vegas? I was a bartender on the strip.

Have you ever done stand-up? Do you do it? I have never done it. This was your first time ever doing it. Wow, that's adorable. Brian Giles. See, it makes the bad joke better. I can tell some people got really scared

when I asked that question. Have you ever done stand-up before? Yeah, exactly. Every night and day since that day I was born. I asked that question. Have you ever done stand-up before? Yeah, exactly. Every night and day since that day I was born. I'm the worst ever. I mean, if he did it that often, he'd be the worst. Okie dokie. But for a first time, it's not that bad.

I've heard worse on the show. What did you actually talk about, though? It was a real story My wife wanted me to be a stripper in Vegas I was going to ask you That conversation was real? 100% real It was worse

They get crazy and they touch it And they might suck it So it's fascinating to me That was a real conversation And you're telling it I felt like it wasn't. And so I feel like you'd benefit from that exact same story to tell it with a little more conviction and emotion behind it.

Because if I would have believed it was real as you were telling it, I would have been much more engaged. I think the payoff would be better. This is your wife that told you that? Yeah. How long have you been married? 16 years 16 years

She wants you to cheat on her Bad I didn't realize For money, she's fine with it Yeah, for a certain price Did you guys get married in fifth grade? Yeah, I didn't realize gay marriage has been legal for that long I guess time flies though

Can we see what your moves would be if you worked? I don't even know where she got that from. Just act like you're doing it right now. Yeah. Wow. Oh, shit. Nice. Oh, shit.

Represent. There you go. Did you guys plan that out before or something? Commercial for your own products? Hey, why don't you strip, but just enough to show the logo of the company that I own? Hey, why don't you strip, but just enough to show the logo of the company that I own? I hate to echo your wife here, but I believe if you trained in comedy for the next nine months, you could be funny enough to be a male stripper.

Ryan, where'd you meet her 16 years ago? I met her in L.A. I'm actually from Hollywood. Wow. Yep. What were you doing in L.A.? I grew up born and raised. Oh, wow. Your parents were in show business or something? No. They were just people from the valley.

Landscapers? From the valley. Yeah, after we had kids, we had to move, so obviously Vegas is the best choice from Hollywood. Interesting. For children. For children, of course. But yeah, after we had kids, we had to move, so obviously Vegas is the best choice from Hollywood. Yeah. Interesting. For children. For children, of course.

Small children. What did your parents do? You said it like it was dismissive. Like if it wasn't from Hollywood, like, no, no. They're from the Valley. Gambling addicts. So you work in accounting. You just did stand-up for the first time ever.

What else are you into? What are your hobbies? I'm into music. Music, yeah. Play the bass. Make music. You play bass? I play bass.

Are you in a band? No. Have you ever been in a band? Never been in a band. Just a one-man bass wrecking machine. Do you know how awful... I've said this before. Just playing the bass must be when you aren't home.

You couldn't even play it for a friend. Dude, I just didn't learn Hotel California. Doom. Doom. Doom. Boom. Boom. Doom. Just like the album, bro. Boom. I'm totally killing it right now.

I'm nailing it. If there was a rhythm and lead guitar happening right now, you'd see. Yeah, that is true. Why haven't you been... You pick up the bass, you imagine one would think that you want to get into a band to then play the bass, to practice the bass. You can't be a loner and a bass player.

Yeah, I always made music. Actually, my uncle was a musician. He told me if you want to make beats, you should learn how to play the bass so Wow Oh hip-hop oh yeah oh yeah oh okay well okay and now I'm interested about that cuz you're like you're saying that with conviction that I believe so you use your regular physical bass to make bass beats for hip-hop music that you then produce. Do you ever write any lyrics for this? Not too many lyrics, no.

You just make hip-hop beats? Yeah. That's hilarious. It's all just instrumental? Yeah. Do you sell them or produce other people's music? Yeah, I've produced hundreds of terrible, terrible songs. You know, if you got just one black friend, he could probably play bass for you

and rap. And better. Yeah. And then you could produce that. Yeah, absolutely. Interesting. What else are you into

other than playing your bass? No, that's pretty much it. Wow. Married with kids, so mostly doing that. Wow. Yeah.

So you just play the bass and your wife yells at you for playing the bass. Yes. Is that true? Does she? No, she doesn't care. She loves it. Who leaves Hollywood to become an accountant?

I got to get out of here. Follow my dream. Later, family. If you need me, I'll be in the basement making bass beats. Who are you accounting for? I work for Onnit. Wow, really? Yeah, I just started two months ago. Breaking news. Onnit is a vitamin company owned by Joe Rogan.

Absolutely. And I'm Mr. Aubrey Marcus. Yeah. Wow, that's great. Congratulations. You certainly have a very even-keeled temperament. Thank Mr. Aubrey Marcus. Yeah. Wow, that's great. Congratulations. You certainly have a very even-keeled temperament. Thank you. Just some observations.

Is that New Mood? Or Alpha Brain? We get all of them for free. I can't imagine you getting into an argument with your wife. I'll put it to you that way. It's been a long time since a real argument. What was the last argument about? Your dick size.

When it does happen, it's going to be like fucking thunder though. He's going to lose his shit. It's going to boil over. I've been there. Screaming at it to a bass beat. Thumping around like Tom Morello. It was nice to meet you. Congratulations on your first time ever doing stand up comedy

There he goes Ryan Giles He's at the Ryan Giles G-I-L-E-S Alright Very very likeable guy Very When he made that face it was creepy though When he got down on one knee

It was a little unnerving He had that child molester look You know That face was creepy, though, when he got down on one knee. That was a little unnerving. He had that child molester look, you know? Jay, look at me when I'm talking. That certain gleam in the eye. I pulled another name out of the bucket. I don't know if I'm going to say this exactly right. Put your hands together for Matt Fidjulio.

Yeah, it's pretty clear. I ain't no tenor, too. But I can make you feel better. If your name is Matt and you signed up for this show and you have a weird last name, then I just said your name. Don't play fucking games. F-I-G-L-I-U-L-O. Fragile. Here he comes, Matt Fragilio. Whoa.

Must be Italian. All right, I'm going to tell you a true story from my life about four years ago. So I was on that Tinder app. I swiped right and met this chick. We had a beer, went back to my place, did the adult stuff. And then the next day I'm at work. I told her I worked at the Sears Tower. I'm from Chicago. And I get a call from our security desk and they said, is Matt

there? I go, oh, our CTO. Yeah, he's not here. They go, no, Matt Fiduglio. And I said, no, that's me. They go, we have a package for you at the front desk and we need to send it up to your office. I go, no, no, no, I'll come down. So I go down and they go, we have a package for you at the front desk. Do we need to send it up to your office? I go, no, no, no, I'll come down. So I go down, they go, yeah, it's an edible arrangement from some girl. I go, oh, shit. So I just bring my backpack down and stuff it in there so no one from my work, any of my coworkers, know what happened. So I find out that this chick sent me an edible arrangement

from our last night, our hookup. So, yeah. That's the end of the story? Yeah. All right, Matt to Julia. Let's talk about it. I have a thousand questions for some reason. My first one is, do you have that disease

where you age extra quick? That thing? Yeah, I have a baby face. Okay, something like that. Hey, Tony. Can I just say how much I enjoyed how true that story was? It wasn't funny, but talk about integrity.

I don't know. It's just a true story. I don't do stand-up. This is what we've been looking for in comedy. Matt, wait a minute. He just said he doesn't do stand-up. Stop it. I have a real job. Yes, you do.

I have a real job. Matt, slight comedy advice. Oh, what's your real job? I'm an IT consultant. Whoa! So you lived in Hollywood? No, I don't live in Hollywood. Honestly, if you fucked that good

that people are sending you edible arrangements the next day, let's go in the back, buddy. Yeah, so let's get into it. I'm a little confused, because why would you be embarrassed that somebody sent you an edible arrangement? Well, because I also work for my dad's company, and I don't need him to know. Your dad doesn't think that you're having sex yet?

How old are you? What did you do to that girl, son? She sent you a goddamn stack of pancakes and bananas. Also, when an edible arrangement is delivered, everyone's assumption is not like, oh, he fucked last night. Oh, shit, melon balls in a watermelon basket. Yo, is that an edible arrangement? Who did you fuck last night?

Fajiligutty got his dick wet last night. Like, unless it was literally, like, just a banana going into a cantaloupe shaped like a pussy with, like, pube kiwi toppings on top. Oh, and then maybe some like coconut shavings for like jizz on the belly. Yeah, yeah. Dude, that got so real. A little chocolate on the bottom.

His dad sees the arrangement. He's like, my little boy's all grown up. And the cat's in the cradle and the city was full. A little boy blue and the man on the moon. Matt, I have one small piece of comedy advice. You've got to pick something to do with your hands. That was very distraught. You stood like a superhero for ten seconds.

Then you got all fucking Henry Rollins on it. Back to superhero. Then a weird, like, I'm listening, but I don't like you. All right, you're my boss, so I can't say shit, but I don't like what you're saying. It was bizarre. Now he's got the thumbs in the pockets only. Oh, now it's the fucking Marky Mark Calvin Klein poster.

He's now switched it up to only the thumbs out of the pockets. If you lift up your shirt and you got those lines and muscles that go down to your dick, I'm going to fucking send you an edible arrangement. He truly doesn't know what to do. He's doing the old corpse hands now. Just completely dead. Dead as a doornail. There's nothing you can do with your hands. We are not waiting to make fun of.

He just shut his mouth. What happened with the girl? What happened with the girl? Oh, look, he's doing the stupid face hands now. Back to the weekend of Bernie's dead hands. We'll talk. Don't keep commenting's dead hands. We'll talk. Don't keep commenting on your hands. This is fun.

Give this guy a hands, everybody, please. No, I was being... That was another hand joke. I didn't want you to actually... Wait, don't go. We're not done. I have so many fucking questions for you still. This girl, you'd never talk to her ever again? I have a question.

Why? Okay, so wait. She's fascinating to me because you met on Tinder. You said one beer. Well, yeah. I'm trying to kill the details in the story. Details are good. Let's just go in chronological order.

First of all, I am sort of shocked that Tinder was out four years ago. You may have been one of the first people on Tinder, right? Is that like when it started? Yeah, about five years ago, yeah. He's an IT consultant for Tinder. Did you have on your Tinder profile? Yeah, yeah. Loves melon balls? Great job.

What? So you told her where you worked on this? I said generally the Sears Tower. I didn't tell her what floor or anything, so she didn't know where to send it. Whoa, she found you in the... Wait, the Sears... No, no, she just sent you to the tower.

That's one of the bigger buildings, right? Yeah, it's a few... Details. Semantics. So she tracked you down to send you... Okay, here's the million dollar question. What the fuck exactly was in this edible arrangement? It was one of the smaller ones.

I brought it home. We know, it fit in your backpack. The next day, my roommate ate it, because I didn't care. What was in it? Chocolate, strawberries. He died later that evening. Yeah. What was in it?

Strawberries and what? Six covered strawberries. Six chocolate-covered strawberries. That's it? That barely qualifies as an edible arrangement. Yeah. That's a... She just sent you six strawberries.

Six loose strawberries. He's calling it an edible arrangement. Okay? He's punching up the story. She was a fucking homeless person that brought him six fucking strawberries like they were fucking magic beans. And a Ziploc bag full of potato chips.

Was it an old lady? These were the details I left out. Please bet me again, Vigilicati. Now, you made it seem like this was because you did her good. She got that flajululio

dick and just was amazed afterwards. Alright, don't do your arms like that. I know we've been fucking with you, but that's truly the worst one. You don't want to do that. No one wants to be talking to their high school wrestling coach. All fingers in pockets now.

Ten in the pockets. Thumbs in, fingers in, all the way. For those of you listening, it is an anomaly. He has doubled down and when told to do anything but cross his arms, he has locked

his hands in his own pockets. There are not many pocket variations left. It's almost like there's Chinese finger traps. Oh, no, don't do that. Wow. Just go dead hands. Turn around and look at us backwards.

I want to see what that looks like. Jeez, Brian. Yeah, take off your hat, though. Does he have a Death Squad tattoo on the back of his head? Okay, so Matt, what do you think that you do in the bedroom that made this edible arrangement of six loose strawberries come your way?

Do you have a special move in the bedroom that you do on a girl? It's a secret. I can't tell you. Oh, come on. Matt, I'm never going to be hooking up with the same girl that you hooked up with. You don't have to worry about that. You just got frisio heat. What do you do?

Do you do the old dead hand fingering? Just whispering in her ear. How do you like it? I can go just thumb. I can go four fingers. What do you do with it?

I can go all hand in. I have yet another million dollar question for you, Matt. What do you do with your hands when you're fucking? I feel like you're an old school porn star. The name's Matt. Matt Fitchlululio. And to answer your next question, I love fruit.

Matt, did you, uh, it was your takeaway that this must be a crazy person? Uh, yeah. She was your takeaway that this must be a crazy person. Uh, yeah. She was crazy. Did you go down on her? Did you go down on her and you were all like, ooh, look at this edible arrangement? Uh, no. This looks like, this reminds me of loose strawberries.

Your pussy smells like loose strawberries. Wait, you said, yeah, she was crazy with conviction, so did you know she was crazy before the edible arrangement arrived? And that was just like the icing on the... It was the icing on the strawberry. Was that just the chocolate on the loose strawberry? No. Wait, so she was normal.

And the only thing that makes you think that she was crazy was the edible arrangement. So this could be just a wonderful person? Probably. Probably? You're all over the charts! Jesus Christ! I want to come away with this feeling like I know what happened. This could have been a really nice girl. What was your

least favorite thing about her until she sent you strawberries at work? Six loose-covered strawberries that if your dad found out about that, he would have been pissed. Son, I'm really disappointed in you. Chocolate-covered strawberries? I remember when your mom first sent me six loose strawberries.

Although, if you had sex with someone and told your dad the next day that that person sent you some loose strawberries, you'd think your son was fucking a guy. Son, you could have told me a different way. You didn't have to have six loose chocolate-covered strawberries sent to our workplace.

Honey, are boys eating chocolate strawberries? I think it's time to have a talk. In my day, you know, there was no edible arrangements. You gave a woman a crack in the mouth and cat fat. Did I get an answer out of you, Matt,

on what your least favorite thing about her was up until the edible arrangement? Was there anything a little off about her? This girl could have been perfect. You liked her. You had sex with her. Everything seemed great. She sent you strawberries and you're like, fuck you, bitch.

Intense. Strawberries is intense. Did she have an extended labia? Was the sex good? Brian, Brian, Brian. Did you just break? Did you just have a stroke or something? Was the sex good?

Was the sex not good for you? It was good. Keep in mind, your father might listen to this. Oh, that's true. We're going to send it to him. Son, you fucked up this time. Talking about the family business. Loose strawberries?

Here I am in my office. Another day in the office as usual. I look down the hallway and there's strawberries all over the place. Everybody's fired. Is this the man I've been raising? What is your dad's company?

What do you guys do? We're a consulting firm. Wow. They're a chocolate-covered cherries company. No strawberries in my cupboard. All right. There he goes.

Matt Fletch. He's not on Twitter. Matt Fletch. How fun. You guys having fun out there or what? Yeah. Let's meet another person.

Put your hands together for Kyle Long. Kyle Long. Wow. Kyle Long. Here he comes. Wow, walking in like a bad guy pro wrestler, everybody. Oh, shit. It's about to motherfucking go down. Put your hands together for pro wrestler, everybody. Oh, shit. It's about to

motherfucking go down. Put your hands together for Kyle Long, everybody. Oh, shit. I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk. Uh-oh. Uh? Uh?

Uh? Uh? This is some of the funniest stand-up I've ever seen. It's amazing. It's amazing how alcohol doesn't affect some people. So I did mushrooms today. It's fucking cool. So anyways, Blockbuster. Do you remember that shit? Blockbuster!

What the fuck? Netflix! Netflix! Netflix is better than Blockbuster! What the fuck? Netflix! Netflix is better than Blockbuster, right? Fuck! Fuck, Blockbuster! You're gonna suck my dick! Oh, I'm at a gun! That's a minute. Kyle, Kyle, Kyle.

Relax. Look at me over here. Look at me over here. Dude, taxi versus Uber is awesome. Kyle, you gotta listen. Start listening. Stop talking. Why don't you listen to me? Hey, Kyle. Tony, can I just say

Blanca from Street Fighter looks pretty rough. Alright,. Hey, Kyle. Tony, can I just say Blanca from Street Fighter looks pretty rough. All right. Fuck you, bitch. It's back on. Let's do this. Oh, okay. Shut the fuck up, dude.

Okay, dude. All right, bro. Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. Over here. Shut up, Down Syndrome John White. All right. Why don't you put your fucking fucking shit Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. Kyle, Kyle Syndrome John White. All right. Why don't you...

Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, over here. Okay. What's up, bro? Kyle, everything's okay, Kyle. We're going to let you go. No, I was saying... So how long have you been doing stand-up? Hashtag what?

How long have you been doing stand-up? I haven't done it in nine months, but I've fucking been... I was going to go back to it. Okay. I haven't done it in a while. Although, if I want to be a comedian, I should go to LA or New York. What do you do, Kyle?

He's a full-time garbage pail kid. Kyle, over here. Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. Whoever's working here. What did he say, bro? You can't let him. Don't do it. There you go.

Yeah, he's gone. Wow. Kyle Wong, everybody. Just some guy tripping on mushrooms. Don't clap for him. Don't. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There you go. Yeah, he's gone. Wow. Kyle Wong, everybody. Just some guy tripping on mushrooms. Don't clap for him. It's back on the first fight in Keltoni history. Jeremiah defending his ground. Wow. Let me just say something. Kyle is obviously more of a writer than a performer. This is...

Wow. That was intense. This is, uh, wow. That was intense. I felt like I could control it almost a little bit, but then I couldn't. Every time that he looked away from me, it was over. He was completely disengaged. I'm like, Kyle, Kyle, no, no, no, no, no. It was just nothing there.

I can say unequivocally, I have never been afraid of anybody with freckles. I will run towards that fight a hundred out of a hundred times. Dude, how do you hit a guy holding a saxophone? Yeah, what an asshole.

That's like wearing eight pairs of glasses. What about how fucking quick was that bouncer, though, huh? That was great, yeah. We got Antonio on the ones and twos, keeping an eye on everything, running a hell of a show. Antonio the Great with Josh Martin and some bouncer that fucking is covered in red pubes right now. I thought you guys were talking about me, but whatever. red pubes right now. I thought you guys were talking about me,

but whatever. By the way, I honestly think that full-time Garbage Pail Kid was the funniest thing I've heard in about a year. Absolutely. Jeremiah, absolutely. I always, I'm annoying about it. I fucking love that guy. And you stood your ground like a fucking

hero over there. That was amazing stuff. The sad part about Kyle was that I thought he was fucking hilarious, by the way. I honestly I mean, that might be the greatest segue in ten years of being around stand-up that I've ever seen. I did Mushrooms today, and

holy fuck, Blockbuster video. Let's get into it. If you guys would have walked through the raindrops like I did during a set, he did get us some good points. Netflix better than Blockbuster. Uber better than cabs. Breaking news.

Maybe if he did a TED Talk or something. I don't know. This just in. Netflix has passed up Blockbuster in overall stock and company right now. Thank you to Kyle Long for introducing us to that. You guys having fun at this crazy live show or what? This is fucking rock and roll, baby.

We should go a little faster, maybe try to get some more people in? Oh, we're doing it. Yeah, we're getting through it. Put your hands together for another one. It's Mike Espinosa. Oh, very excited. Hey, Mike, your opener's a cunt. This is a guy that definitely

doesn't want to do anything weird with his hands. He learned that lesson. Mike Espinosa, everybody. Hey, everybody. Hey, Moontower. What's up? Hey, so I just had a birthday. It was a good birthday. It was good. I even got my birthday sex. But as a married guy with two kids,

I got to take a shower by myself. Without the kids watching. It was great, you know. I got to try anal. It was cool, man. Yeah, I've been married for like seven years. And, you know, keeping the magic alive is tough. We try a lot of things. I tried to buy some sex toys

but I'm such a nerd I don't want to take them out of the box just want to put them on the wall just look at them just look at them babe there you go thank you that's a minute from Mike Espinosa How long have you been doing stand-up for, Mike? What's that?

How long have you been doing stand-up for? For a little over a year I had to take a break What do you do for work? I'm a high school teacher I was gonna fucking guess that Science? Yes

Oh my god You look like every science teacher I've ever seen. I should have just fucking guessed and said ask. Sometimes you guess. Get to class, Tony. You son of a bitch. Wow. What grade are you teaching?

I teach physics, so it's like... Ooh, hello, what are sciences? I could teach chemistry. I could teach math. Yeah, science. Eleventh graders, mostly. Very good. How old is that?

Well, I could teach stand-up, motherfucker. Teach me dumb. Teach me dumb. You know what that sound means. Wait, you're a teacher, and you used to do jokes about kid fucking? Yes, I have some on those. How old are the kids that...

How old is eleth grade again? They're of legal age. I want to just get this straight. For your birthday, you locked your children out of the bathroom and fisted your own asshole, is that right? Exactly. It was the best birthday I've ever had. Apparently, if you hang yourself while doing that,

you come hard. I don ever had. Apparently if you hang yourself while doing that, you come hard. I don't know. Which birthday was it? I just turned 39. 39. How long have you been teaching high school? There's some big fans of 39-year-olds in the audience over there. Woo! I'm 39! Yeah, represent!

I've been teaching for like five years and for two years I was a home dad for a little while. How old are your kids? Just fisting your asshole all day? I move around and I try to make it interesting and I point.

You have tiny arms though. Have you been told that before? I got a laser to use. Do they still use chalkboards nowadays? We use chalk. We use dry erase markers. You can get them a blockbuster, actually. Yes.

What happened to the Trapper Keeper? Oh, that's a good question. Five-star Trapper Keepers. Yes. Should I run up and just punch Jeremiah now or something? I don't know what to do. I know Kyle. Kyle's my friend.

Why would you say that? I know that guy. Do you know Kyle because you teach him science? He was my best student. No, just kidding. Do you know him? I've seen him around the open mic scene. You didn't tell me you taught special ed, too.

Oh! Yeah! Oh, man! Yeah, Kyle, I'm coming for you! Listen to this podcast on iTunes, you bitch! For those of you listening to the podcast... Heel turn! Kyle is banging on the back windows

with boxing gloves on right now, waiting for this show to be over. So you're saying that you follow mushroom-fueled brawls a lot around town with Kyle? That's all Austin comedy is, is just this crazy guy's like that. But it's fun. It's a good time of year.

What do you do for fun to get away from... Kyle. Yeah. get away from... Kyle. Get away from the kids and the wife and Kyle. When you're not doing stand-up, what else are you into? I watch a lot of concerts, music. Austin's great for music. I read a lot. Do you ever see the bass player, Ryan Giles?

I never have. Never seen him. Sick beats. Sick beats. Sick beats. Boom, boom, boom, boom. One man wrecking machine. The nerd not taking out of the box joke was great. It was a really good joke. Smart joke.

I liked it. Thank you. That's a good one. Wow. Jeez. What a cocky asshole. Thank you. You know what else I love about my work? Alright, Mike, did you have fun here tonight?

I love the Kill Tony podcast I listen to it non-stop I've listened to the whole 200 some episodes over and over again I believe 206 I'm obsessed 207 you're at right now. Yeah. Boom.

There he goes, Mike Espinosa. Thank you very much. We're going to keep it moving. Let's try to get another one up here. All right. How about Michael Keely, everybody? Put your hands together for Michael. This most likely could be our last comedian of the night.

Michael? I don't see anybody moving. Does anybody see Michael? Here he comes. Dom Iriar is about to beat the shit out of Jeremiah for some reason. Hey! Is there somebody coming? Yeah, he's coming.

Oh, here he comes. Michael Keeley. Oh, God. Oh. coming? Yeah, he's coming. Oh, here he comes. Michael Keely. Oh, God. So, Tony, I have this hobby. I like to look up people, like celebrities, and see if they're gay. I was just wondering. And I looked up you, and it was really kind of vague. I wasn't sure if you were really gay,

like, from your Wikipedia page. So I looked it up, and the person, you know... So I think I Twitter messaged you. And you sent me a dick pic, and I was like, all right, fuck. I guess I know. This is Kyle's roommate? He's coming to avenge his roommate.

Wait, start over. It's all over now! So by the way, Tony, what are you up to, man? What are you fucking doing? This is the baby from Look Who's Talking, grown up. Where's the cat? Where's the fucking cat? In the flesh.

There you go, Michael Keely. That was your time. That's what you chose to do with it. Now, all of that was a thing, trying to look up if I was gay on Wikipedia. You couldn't find out. You DM me. I sent you a dick pic. Oh, you just got firetrucked.

That's funny. That actually isn't a thing. The city is burning down while we're here just enjoying ourselves. That's it. They're airlifting Kyle somewhere. Somebody called in a... Somebody that saw Kyle called in a bomb threat

somewhere. I just saw one of Kyle's movies on TV the other day. Oh, you did? What's it called? He played the character Rocky Dennis. Yeah, you retard, Kyle! Get back in here!

We'll go another round! We'll give him the date the blind comic guy. I guess no one actually saw the movie. Michael, are you the blind friend that Trey Thompson came in with from Houston? If so, that jump to the stage was ballsy.

I've only seen it happen twice. Jay, that's how I met my wife, man. Don't fuck around with that joke, dude. Is it a fucking... I don't know who you're talking to or who you're looking at. I thought Mike Espinosa was making a joke when he's like, no, that's what the Austin comedy scene is.

It's people on mushrooms having meltdowns. And I'm pretty sure that... Michael Keely. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for like three years. Is that true? Yeah. Do you always wear sunglasses on stage?

Always. Why is that? Just. Do you always wear sunglasses on stage? Always. Why is that? Well, just because I'm very self-conscious. About what? About my jokes. Like, I don't think I'm very funny. Yeah, you're right. You'd rather think you're a jerk-off

who wears sunglasses at night? It's a weird choice. Do you wear sunglasses when you write your jokes as well? I thought it was because you thought your future was so bright That's also a good reason Michael, how do you make a living? I'm

Unemployed Wow, took you a long time to figure that one out You do have the motions of a blind man, though. Like, the way that your head goes, you kind of look like you could be blind. What time did they start doing heroin in this fucking town? That is black tar nods right there. If he was a comedian, he'd be Bitch Hedberg.

Oh, behave. Bitch Hedberg. Oh, behave. Bitch Hedberg. Jeremiah is on a fucking terror tonight. I love it. I want to fight somebody right now. The adrenaline's up. You can't open Pandora's box. Once you unsheathed Jeremiah, he has to taste

blood before we put him back. Michael, are you on any drugs or anything? Yeah, I'm on heroin. Is that true? No. Is that another one of your wacky jokes? I told you they were bad, man. Like, you gotta accept it.

I love it. Man, that is such a cool... I like how his jokes are just weird lies. Right when Austin couldn't possibly get any hipper, we find a comedian that is so cool

because he knows he's bad and commits to it all the way. But he like owns it, bro. You don't get it, dude. He's a real Austin bro Michael You have just to go back to the Podcast what it's for

You have a funny like demeanor and everything You seem like you could be a funny guy Oh thank you Sunglasses are off for the podcast I would actually say I know that you said you were insecure so you wear the glasses I kind of get that but for for me, immediately the first thing I noticed and then latched onto was sunglasses indoors kind of guy. I think it brings more negative attention to you.

And then I don't focus on the jokes. I'm trying to figure you out instead of listening to your material. Well, I had a better joke about Tony cock-blocking me last night, but I didn't want to tell it. That had nothing to do with what I just said. There's a whole bunch going on here, too, Michael. When you're not doing this show, are all of your jokes fake Tony Hinchcliffe stories? Is this a thing you're just working out,

and you coincidentally pulled you out of the bucket for my show? Just said Austin open mics? Well, I messaged Tony Hinchcliffe. People are like, yeah, he's doing it! This is the guy I told you about with the sunglasses with the no punchlines thing. I've done this show now, Tony. You've been a great show to have me on.

This is probably my fourth or fifth time doing it. And this is by far the most adversarial comedy show I've ever been a part of. It is, man. People are very angry. Adversarial. I feel like this is like I'm pulling out a bunch of Atlanta Falcons right after the Super Bowl.

All right, Michael, we're going to keep it moving. We're going to get one more comedian up here. Congratulations. You took a chance. Michael Keely, everybody. Take the safe route, Michael. Okay. There you go.

You guys ready for one last comic? We're almost out of time, everybody. You guys ready to fucking do this shit or what? I said, are you ready for one more fucking comedian? Wow. This is a goddamn anomaly. Put your hands together for Joey Fidgelulio. Is there a Joey Fidgelulio?

Is that humanly possible? Matt's father. Wait, the edible arrangement? He was here. He's here. Well, I signed up when I found out my son sent strawberries. Holy shit, it's real. It's Joey Fitzgerald. The brother, clearly.

True story to tell before this. Oh, here we go. The guy who just went is my future brother-in-law. And yes, the guy who did the edible arrangements is my brother. Holy shit. We don't do stand-up, so surprise, surprise. All right, so since you destroyed my brother with the hand joke, I'm going to just do the joke.

I don't know what to do with my hand. No, but our name is Filio, and it's to do with my hands. No, but our name is Filio, and it's actually spelled with a G. So what I like to do is, when everyone who's like, Filio, spell that for me, I go, F as in Frank, I, G as in gnat. They go, excuse me? I go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, G as in gnome.

And they just don't pick up on it. And so I'm like, okay, listen here. G as in gnome. And they just don't pick up on it. And so I'm like, okay, listen here. G as in gnome. They still don't get it. Oh, my God. My family's not comics. I know. I need to keep them here. Sorry, guys.

It's so easy to attack my family beforehand when they... Oh, thank you. There you go, Joey Fulio. There we go. You fucking did it, dude. Step back up to the mic. That was great, man. Joey, how

do you think it's gonna feel now that you did good and your brother didn't? You're clearly the one that got the comedic chops in the family. I'm nervous as shit right now. I don't do this.

When you go home tonight now, do you get to fuck the apple pie? Feels so good. Do you notice he just put his hands in his pockets? There you go. Hey, everybody knows. I'm not an apple guy. I'm a his pockets. There you go. Everybody knows. I'm not an Apple guy. I'm a Cherry guy. It's okay. He's just got those wacky

Fulio hands. I don't know what to do with the... All right. Let's try to knock it out quick. We're running out of time, Joey. What do you do for work? I'm a software salesman. Just as boring as the last time, Joey. What do you do for work? I'm a software salesman. Oh, usually.

Just as boring as the last one, actually. Yeah. That's fun. You look like you're about to deliver a baby. I don't know what to do with my hands. That's what I'm doing. Have you ever fucked a girl so good she sent you an edible arrangement? No. Probably your training order, but that's about it. Do you work for your dad's

company as well? No, not anymore. Wow, look who flew the coop. What do you do? I'm software sales. Oh, software sales, but a different company altogether. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some Fulio hands music,

for those of you that ever want to do the... Do the Fulio. It's like an Arabian type of dance. First time ever on stage? If you need to come to a wedding, you're good. You'd fit right in. Perfect. I will. It's like an Arabian type of dance. If you need to come to a wedding, you're good. You'd fit right in. Perfect. I will. That's your time. There he goes. Joey Fulio, everybody. That's the end of our

episode. You made it through Kill Tony, episode 206. Live from Austin, Texas. The Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Make some noise for each of them independently. The great Sal Volcano, everybody. Big Jay Oakerson.

Dom Iroa. Jeremiah Watkins. Brian Redband. Josh Martin. Antonio on the ones and twos. Anything you guys want to plug or anything like that coming up? Jeremiah, go ahead. Watch Big J. Ogerson's CISO show. We're on the first

episode. Yes, I am also on that. That's on CISO right now. I did a segment as well. Absolutely. Check that out on CISO. Dom Irera? I'll be at Boca Raton next week and if you're in Kilkenny, Ireland the first week of June I'll be there, Kilkenny. If you're listening from Boca Raton in Kilkenny, Ireland the first week of June I'll be there in Kilkenny.

If you're listening from Boca Raton or Kilkenny, Ireland you just got fucking the most awesome news. One of my favorite comedians is coming there live. I'll be at a pizza parlor in Corpus Christi next week. No, I won't be. If you're listening in Corpus, that was a joke. Please don't show

up and then tweet at me that you're mad. That shit happens. One more thing. If there's any Reagan and Watkins fans, I got some free stickers for you guys that I'll give you guys out front. Oh, I think you're going to be running out of stickers tonight. Protect him for us. Protect him for us. Season what of Impractical Jokers?

One of my favorite fucking shows in the world. Six is on now. Season six. Yeah, with hopefully some more coming uh brian red band we did it another one austin texas this was kill tony we'll see you tomorrow houston yeah we're live in houston texas tomorrow from the secret group that's almost i believe sold out and uh that's everything thank you so much live audience thank. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. Good night. Stuck in my cabal Living on bananas and blood Thank you. Thank you.