KILL TONY - KILL TONY #208 (HOUSTON)

Episode Date: April 29, 2017

Luis J Gomez, Dave Smith, Jeremiah Watkins, Josh Martin, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 04/22/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute?

I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Don't forget to go to DeathSquad.tv and check out everything we have there. Not only do we have video portions to a lot of the shows that we do, we also have all the past episodes of Kill Tony.

And if you click on Tour Dates, you can see where we're at next. Not only does Kill Tony do a show every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store at 8 o'clock. We're always on the road. We also have a big secret show coming up May 3rd, which is this coming Wednesday at the Comedy Store, and that's with Joe Rogan,

Tiffany Haddish, Nikki Glaser, Regan and Watkins, Edie Gibson, and a bunch of people. So check that out. That's May 3rd. Also, we have a bunch of people. So check that out. That's May 3rd. Also,

we have a bunch of shows coming up soon to the Hollywood Improv and the Laugh Factory. You can find everything by going to DeathSquad.TV and clicking on tour dates. TonyHinchcliffe.com is the website for Tony and all his stuff.

He's got a bunch of tour dates and merchandise and new podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. E-Belt is the house artist. He draws every single episode and makes a print of it and puts it for sale on his website. He also has the new Kill Tony poster for sale. You can go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv.

That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Not only do we have some t-shirts, but we also have the 2017 hats in stock right now. Go to shopsquad.tv and everything we make, all the money we make from that, goes directly into buying new stuff for Kill Tony and all the stuff that we do here at Death Squad. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony and all the stuff that we do here at Death Squad. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Houston, Texas at The Secret Group for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Here's Tony Henscliff. Hello, Houston. Fucking noise. This is so quiet. Yes, this thing isn't working. Fuckers. You guys are out of control. How's that possible?

That's mic one. We go over this every week. It's just the loose one. Give me the loose one then. That makes sense. Oh, this isn't working. Hey. Live sound check. Who loves it?

Who loves it more than me? Guess what baby Tony's favorite thing is. It's a... Yep, that's not going to work. Fuck yeah. I guess that's why they call it the secret group. They want us to whisper to everybody. Keep it secret, everything that happened here tonight.

Josh Martin, ladies and gentlemen, is here. The great producer of Kill Tony is here in Houston. Mike One doesn't work, Josh. Good thing we brought you all the way from Los Angeles to here for this special road show. Mike One worked better last time we were in Houston when you weren't here. Who was here at the last show that we did here, huh? Who loves Kill Tony out there? Anybody?

Aphrodite. Ichabod. Wow, this guy. You need to smoke more pots. There's certain things that I want everybody to erase in their memories, and that's definitely one of them. I'm glad I'm not even going to repeat it into the microphone, make everybody. Who was at the Houston show heard what the one audience member said?

Have you guys go to some kind of thread to find out what happened there just now. Life is good. I'm excited. We just had a blast in Austin, Texas. I'm super pumped. Let's just jump right into it. Should I bring up the guests or what?

Let's just wait. Hey, by the way, we have a comedy show right after this show. Who loves stand-up comedy? I love stand-up too. I love stand-up, too. We're doing a show after this. Let's just say maybe I'm booked at a club in a city, and I can't mention who's on this show.

If I was doing it, but there's a whole show, but I wasn't allowed to mention that I was doing this show. And a bunch of awesome comedians the hit secret show that is a big hit in la is here tonight when you're going to get to see a ton of awesome stand-up after this if you come to that show as well yeah um a lot of secret guests on that that are in town we're going to use one of the operational mics during the stand-up show if you're wondering you're like i wonder if they're going to use the janky mic. Keep it interesting. You know what I mean? Keep it a real live show.

We're going to be using an operational microphone. And what the fuck else? Did I stall long enough? We also might have some Kill Tony posters, some of the new posters. The brand new Kill Tony poster, guys. You're the first people to

ever get it sold live to anyone because we did not sell them at Moon Tower. No. Completely. Josh fucked up. Not we. Not we. Josh.

We fucked up, he just said. Both Josh and Martin fucked up. You are correct. We fucked up. Let's bring up some guests. Who loves guests, huh? guests huh oh boy we do guys i mean i'm so fucking excited about this literally my only other favorite podcast other than kill tony is the legion of skanks and i present to you

louis j gomez and dave smith make some motherfucking noise and I present to you Louis J. Gomez and Dave Smith. Make some motherfucking noise. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Fuck yeah. Welcome, welcome. We're about to have a motherfucking blast. What's up, guys? Welcome, welcome. Dave Smith. Very unprofessional so far, Tony. up, guys? Welcome, welcome. Dave Smith. Very unprofessional so far, Tony. Dave, first time.

I know. Dave, it's your first time on the show. Lewis, you've done it before. Welcome back. Should we even mention? I think, you know, you want to do something crazy and mention the thing we were talking about out back? You want to talk about it? Fuck it. Let's announce this bitch right now on Kill Tony.

Right now. We're going to exclusively announce. Right now. Hold on, you haven't even asked Brian yet. Yeah, have we even talked about it? No, you have not asked me yet. We just talked about it. The last Sunday.

We are going to rape Brian Redband's girlfriend. Maybe. Hold on, I'd have to check my calendar. But hold on, let's do breaking news and I'll check my calendar and give you a. Check your calendar. All right. Oopsie-daisy. It's breaking news coming in.

Skankfest, first of all, the new coolest number one festival in all of New York City. For those of you, many listeners, that we have in New York City, the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of listeners that we have in New York City. Make it sexy, Tony.

Skankfest is a huge festival in New York. Are you available? What day? It is June 23rd, 24th, and 25th. Well, we want you guys for the 24th or 25th. Hey, a lot of you guys are fans of comedy, and you've probably wondered, how does booking work? You're finding out live right now.

Very rarely. This is a little pull behind the curtain. No, it's great. It's like a fucking comedy documentary in front of a live audience. June 25th, Kill Tony's going to New York City for Skank Fest. How about that? Kill Tony, New York City! Could be the 24th, might be the 25th.

Keep a close eye on it on social media and at skankfest.com. It's actually my stepmom's birthday. Oh. Except we're going to rape her stepmom instead. Fuck yeah! It's Diane's birthday. I saw it in the actual thing. He wasn't lying.

It's not like I raped your real mom. Yeah, you can't even really hold a grudge if you rape somebody's stepmom. You'd be mad at them for like a week. Don't think of it as me raping your stepmom. Think of it as me raping the chick who's banging your dad. You know? You guys that were at the last show had a special treat because

we had a band member with us that time and that was cool. It was the great Jeremiah Watkins. Unfortunately, budgetary reasons. Well, he's in the hospital also. Yeah, that too. We have two reasons why he couldn't be here tonight. Truly so.

So instead, you're just going to have to deal with reasons why he couldn't be here tonight. Truly so. Uh... So instead... So instead, you're just gonna have to deal with the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. -♪ Jeremiah Watkins, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah from Kill Tony, The Roast Battle, The Goddamn Comedy Champ. Jeremiah, welcome to the show. How's it going, my man?

It's great to be here, guys. I had to go to an Indian reservation down the way to get healed from getting injured last night in Austin. So now there's a Native American man living inside of me. And he gave me this wolf shirt.

I remember seeing this. I remember the Indian man making an appearance on this show from you before. He was on the last episode of Houston. Oh, that was here. Yes, he was. My son is somewhere around here. I'm very excited to have you

back on, Indian man Jeremiah Watkins. The place is it seems like everything is all set. Should we get this motherfucker started? You guys know how it works. A bunch of random people. Sometimes local awesome comedians. Sometimes it's completely fucking insane people.

Last night, I gave it the same setup. And in the middle of a show, one of the names we pulled out, the guy was completely off his gourd. He was on mushrooms. His opening line was, I'm on mushrooms and fuck. I believe his next line was, blockbuster's crazy. And then Jeremiah made fun of him at the end of his 60 seconds, and he got physically attacked. There was a human being that had to get dragged off the stage. The video is already up on Vimeo. You're going to get to see it soon. I'm pretty sure we're about to be on Kill Tony.

He's about to be featured on Worldstar. But Jeremiah Walken stood his ground with a saxophone in his hands, fended the guy off, and... So there's a bunch of names in this bucket. If you get pulled out of the bucket, you get an uninterrupted 60 seconds to do whatever you want, and then afterwards,

we talk to you about anything in the world, maybe about your set a little bit, maybe just find out more about you. You're a guest on a podcast all of a sudden. You have to stand there and take it. Tony, I'm sorry. I'm new to the show. At what point do we get to fuck the Young Comics? Well,

you can pretty much... They do that to themselves once they sign up for the bucket, actually. You get an uninterrupted 60 seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. I can't really hear that, Brian. Why don't you turn it up a little bit?

There it almost is. Even that would be good for the first one. Maybe just leave that volume button all the way up. No? Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You don't want to go over your time. That's the whole thing. All right.

I guess it's just. Do people from Houston know what a West Hollywood bear is, though? It's the Dallas bear. There we go. The Dallas bear, the Dallas buyer's bear. There we go. The Dallas bear. The Dallas buyers bear. It just seems like everyone from Houston hates Dallas. Oh, Jesus. Alright, lady. Relax.

Okay. This is how it starts. I'm from Dallas. Roadhouse was in Texas, right? Cowboys are my least favorite team. Oh. And we have begun!

I pulled a name out of the bucket. Your first comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Sun Tran. Here he comes. He's coming up. Son Tran, everybody. Clap for Son. Thank you very much. Thank you very much, guys. What the fuck, man?

What the fuck, man? Nobody likes Canada. Good news. Last fall, I? Nobody likes Canada. All right. But good news. Last fall, I became an American citizen after 10 years. I'm one of you guys now. Thank you very much. Yeah, yeah.

Perfect timing. Perfect timing. I did not see that coming, guys. That was... You got me. That was good. But I'm hoping the Trump administration is going to do the right thing. I'm hoping they'll let my wife and kids stay with me in the same internment camp. That would be nice.

It's a weird time we live in. You know it's a weird time when you hear a story about your president getting peed on by Russian hookers. And your only reaction is to wait for the weird part. That's just a setup. He's in Russia. He had dinner. They peed on him. Here's where it gets crazy guys. No, but it's good. I got a couple of kids. I got a couple kids. I got my daughter Chloe and I got a son too. That's his name, son too. Thank you very much. He's a good kid. He can beat me in video games now.

He beat me. Oh, whoa. I know. Son of a bitch. Was that a cat? Yeah, at all. It's a larger cat than I thought it was going to be. I gave you four cats.

Thank you. Calm down. That was his pet. That was very good. Sorry about the mic problems at the beginning. I gave you an extra five seconds. How long have you been doing comedy? What's going on right now? What are you doing,

Brian? Just complimenting him and then randomly asking questions because you didn't hit the cat noise loud enough? I hit it four times. We all know what's happening. Who heard the cats? Nobody. See, this guy did. No, he didn't. That guy wants attention.

Not only did I do this, I did this cat four times. That's not loud enough. I didn't. That guy wants attention. Not only did I do this, I did this cat four times. That's not loud enough. I didn't hear it. Clap your hands if you heard the cat. Oh, you guys are lying. You're just clapping out of habit at this point. Because everything that I've said, you clapped for.

Brian. What if you heard the fucking cat? I hate to say it, but the smoke signal in the back was louder than the cat noise yeah that's good that'll be the new thing make loud thunder the new for today based on the sound system

when Brian made the cat noise did you get hungry? it's a real question. What kind of Asian are you? What kind of Asian am I? I'm Vietnamese. That kind of Asian. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't want to start with you. You guys do not give up. You realize they beat us in that fucking war? We don't ever talk about that much. Vietnam beat the shit out of us. A bunch of little fuckers like you. Did your dad fight on the Vietnamese side? Yeah, he did.

Actually, that's why we're here. He had to leave because he was fighting with the American side. So after the war is over, he'll either go to prison or flee the country. Your dad was just like, I'm going on Team America. They're here to stay. And America was like, this is getting bloody. We'll see you later. I was like, fuck. He was also surprised by the results of that one.

I've got to say, one thing, and I think Brian did say that, but he said it in the midst of trying to cover up his own fuck up. Very impressive that the mic didn't work and it didn't fluster you because this isn't just a stand-up comedy set. You're being judged by comedians that have been doing it for a while and you didn't flinch for a stand-up comedy set. You're being judged by comedians that have been doing it for a while and you didn't

flinch for a second. You went right into your bit. Very comfortable controls. There was a second actually when the mic sound went out and you were still talking where I looked underneath you for subtitles to see your true Asian style. My joke is not

over. What is going on with this microphone? I didn't think the microphone was off I thought it was just going to take another 30 seconds For him to start speaking Oh there it is Even my setups get laughs What's the most Vietnamese thing about you? The most Vietnamese thing about me? He eats cockroaches My name, that's the most Vietnamese thing about you? The most Vietnamese thing about me?

He eats cockroaches. My name, that's the most Vietnamese thing about me. I never got an English name when I came over here, so Son is actually my Vietnamese name. And when he plays... And I guess my DNA, that would be also very Vietnamese. And when he plays Monopoly, he only collects the railroads. Jeremiah motherfucking Watkins is in the house.

Jerry, Jerry. There's people trying to start a Jerry Springer jam for Jeremiah. It's true. Joel does have Joelberg now. This is funny, but painful too. It's funny, though. Thank you for judging us. No worries.

Thanks. So, Son Tran. That's an interesting one. What did you name your kids? Marshall. Oh, yeah. Super white. My son's name is Sergeant. And Chloe is the daughter. He named them after the law they're going to use to take your stuff.

I'm sorry? No, you don't need to. If you don't hear it, son, just keep nodding and saying it. Just keep smiling. That's good. Very good. Very good. What do you do for work?

How do you make a living? I'm a lawyer for a living. That's what I do for work. I apologize for everything. Are you a trial lawyer? No, I work for a company. I'm a corporate lawyer. What company?

Direct Energy. Can I say that? Direct Energy. By the way, I don't even have anything against it, but is there anything that sounds more evil than I'm a corporate lawyer for direct energy? I'm just like, God damn it. Yeah, not very sympathetic, I know.

What kind of energy is that? We're siphoning sunlight. It's just power and gas. So for all your home needs, if you want to call it direct energy. Oh, whoa, very creepy. Not only am I the lawyer, I'm want to call it. Direct energy. Oh, whoa. Very creepy. Not only am I the lawyer, I'm also the marketing director. We're taking a real grassroots podcast thing that we're doing. Are you trying to sell those listeners at home right now?

Yeah, sure. Why not? Why not? Job security, you know? That's brilliant, dude. You don't play to the fucking couple hundred in the room. You play to the fucking hundred thousand. You know what I'm saying?

If they see a spike in signups, I'll tell them why. Son, sometimes I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. It's corporate stuff. I thought you said some trend. I thought it was going to be some trans dude that walked on the stage. Now, an interesting part of of last night's show, for those of you that do listen to the podcast,

it was that there was an embarrassing part where a comedian talked with me about working at a pizza parlor in Corpus Christi. And I was embarrassed of working that weekend and that I made a whole joke about it

because I thought that no one was ever going to find out about it. It's the only comedy club in Corpus Christi, by the way, is this fancy pizza parlor. But then when I got there, I realized that it was a fucking pizza parlor. I mean, in a pizza parlor, it's just a pizza parlor. Exactly.

So last night, the guy that opened that show was on the show, and he goes, yeah, I worked with you at a pizza parlor in Corpus Christi. And, son, you were actually the feature at that pizza parlor in Corpus Christi. Same microphone, too. And the crazy thing is is that at that show as well, the sound went out for you. Yeah. Fun fact.

Just fun facts. So we're saying maybe it's you. Could be me. I don't know. Yeah. Could be they really maybe it's you. Could be me. Yeah. Could be they really do hate Canadians. I don't know. Some sort of like crazy like Asian voodoo that you're doing on the microphones here. What do you like to do like when you're not just doing stand-up or working for the devil himself?

Oh, yeah. I got a couple of kids and most of my time is spent, you know, driving kids around. Binding his daughter's feet and hitting his son when he's not reading. That's what they do. Get some culture. Do you get your Asian children, like I had one of those, like, you ever have one of those

little cars, the power wheels or something like that? Do your Asian children just, like, roll down the stairs in those and shit? In LA, I'm not going to lie, son. I've always said this. The most true stereotype out of any race ever, ever, out of them all.

Black dude, big dick. No. Even more so than black dude, big dick. Oh, I will take this down with you. I will pay for one of those fucking tests. dude big dick is it oh oh i will take this down with you we will go i will get we will find i will pay for one of those fucking tests we'll get 50 random black dudes look at the average size of their dick and 50 50 50 asian guys yes let me tell you the problem with this comparison is it's hard

to measure how bad a driver verse how big a dick you have. You would be shocked. Is your wife Asian as well? She is, yeah. Okay. I bet a black dude could drive better with his dick than an Asian. How many times

has your Asian wife run into something? Never, never. What? You're a fucking liar. That's crazy. A couple of speeding tickets, that's about it though.

Nothing ever hit, so. I've been dating an Asian for only like seven months and she's been in three car accidents. Yeah. I promise you. And it's all been things like on the side.

Like I can't, I don't think she can see on the side seat. You're yeah. Yeah. They need, you guys need a farther side view mirror, like over here instead of out here. Uh,

so your wife drives a lot she comes home and the car doesn't have a ding on it no no no just some speeding tickets the only ding on your car is your other child we didn't get its name um but have you ever thought that maybe your asian wife who definitely hits shit in her car has just been fucking an auto detail repair man. There he is now. It's a... Oh, here he comes. It's a... It's a...

Tran's son. Give me a kiss. Hello. Hello. Mr. Tran. That's just ignorant, Tony. I know. I love it.

It's not my Asian impression. That's insulting to Asians to do that voice. That is specifically. That's like the one that we can still get away with Asian racism. It's specifically a North Korean impression that I'm doing. Yeah, there we go. North Koreans I do impressions of because they hate us and it's okay to make fun of them

oh oh oh oh oh oh yeah I don't know about you but I checked the Legion of Skanks heat map and it can show you where the listeners come from and in North Korea we have zero

zero oh your podcast not funny oh from and in North Korea we have zero. Zero. It's not going to get back to them. Oh, your podcast is not funny. Oh, we not around the internet. They don't around us. Dude, shouldn't don't you agree that everyone should be allowed, like everyone should

be allowed to do a cartoonishly goofy impression of a voice of every racial group. It's just the most fun thing. everyone should be allowed to do a cartoonishly goofy impression of a voice of every racial group it's just the most fun thing yes it'd be like in the constitution let's start right now son do a black guy right i'm not gonna do that come on son do a black guy do a black guy do a black guy do a black guy pretty i black guy I'm pretty sure Your wife would do it I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure people from work are listening to this podcast too

So I'm just going to pass on that one Like a true corporate lawyer Do you remember when Kill Tony jumped the shark And they bullied an Asian man Into doing a black Kill Tony jumped the shark and they bullied an Asian man into doing a black guy voice? Jump the shark? I keep forgetting you're behind me and then I hear this voice and nobody's talking and I'm like, what? Oh, I keep forgetting.

No, I'm kidding. I'm sorry. I said it was North Korean. I was lying, son. I'm a racist. That's okay. Maybe driving is the second biggest stereotype. Well, son, I mean, I had a lot of fucking fun with you.

It was nice to meet you. Thanks for having me. Anything else you want to say? I'll be featuring for Tony again in June here in Houston. Is that true? We'll see you, yeah. Oh, awesome. Watch what he says.

We'll see what happens. Son Tran, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. There you go. That's how he says. We'll see what happens. Sun Tran, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Good job, man. There you go. That's how it happens. Look at this fucking guy. Spent all day drinking coffee instead of setting up the mics when he should have been. This fucking...

Good lord. Do a black guy. I like chanting that. There he goes, everybody. Geico can save 20% or more on your car insurance. Oh. Whoa. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Oh, shit. This guy actually got up last night. Let's see if he has a second minute. He traveled all the way from Austin, Texas for this. Actually, he traveled all the way from fucking Kansas, we found out, to Austin. And now he's driven from Austin to fucking Houston for this. 20-hour drive from Kansas to here. Put your hands together for Trey Thompson, everybody.

Everybody. Congratulations, ladies. I am single and straight, despite looking like the tallest bottom you've ever seen. I got turned down for a janitor position, and I'm super bummed about it. You might ask, Trey, why does that bum you out? What's worse than being a janitor?

Being told you're not qualified enough to be a janitor cuts just a little bit deeper. I knew my ex was a psychopath when she told me she was sexually attracted to me. If you're not laughing at that, that means you think I'm sexually attractive and I will be here after the show.

She wasn't all flaws, though. She had kind of an oversized nose, and she would do this adorable thing where she would wiggle it every time she'd fuck my best friend behind my back. True story, your laughter helps with the healing process. I love bad bitches. That's my fucking

problem. Thank you so much. My name is Trey Thompson. Trey Thompson, ladies and gentlemen. Holy fucking shit. Tight. That was awesome, dude. Tight.

Those jeans are tight. Fuck me. How'd you get those on your body anyway? You look like a grown-up version of everything Oshkosh B'gosh right now. I mean, you look like a doll that you would play with. Wowzers. I mean, what is this attire?

You are proof that there is no such thing as gender. You look like you were a little boy who went to a carnival and wished to be a big whatever the fuck you want. Sure. Whatever you want, Zoltan. Have fun. This guy looks like he has a permanent ride on the magic school bus. By the way, both of these guys so far, we haven't even touched on their comedy because they're both fucking really good comics. We haven't shit on them at all.

Really good comics. But you're both hilarious to make fun of the way you look. Thank you. Take that as a compliment. Really good comics. Trey's a hustler. And as you can tell by the way he's dressed, before this he performed at a Build-A-Bear.

The fuck is... I feel like you've had that shirt for like 15 years, and you just love it. Old Navy, it's only the people that sell tall clothes. He looks like he teaches a skateboarding class. To kids that already know how to skateboard. Wow, Trey, you giant fucking baby.

What I love about this is we've just been bashing him, and his whole set was like, oh, isn't I so cool? I'm free, ladies, what's up? And then all of a sudden, now all those same ladies that thought you were cool are like, oh my God, he is dressed like a dork. Do you date a lot? I mean, do you have a lot of girls

in your life? Not really, no. I think that's the whole joke, guys. What was the last girl? He's horrific looking. Nobody's fucking him. That's the idea. Do you guys really miss that point of this? You're on the end of black chicks, right? I mean, I'm not opposed to them.

You're not a Texan. I haven't found one that's into me yet. Leave! Have you ever been with a black woman? No. Right. It's delicious. Are you only autistic when you're getting dressed? I mean, all the way down to those shoes that look like shoes

that shouldn't have laces but velcro straps instead it looks like there should be three velcro straps there. How old are you Trey? 24 What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up? I cut myself I listen to podcasts and do stand-up.

Other than listening to podcasts and doing stand-up, what do you do to get away from that sometimes? Video games, just a bunch of boring shit. What video games? Battlefield. Yeah, it looks like it. We know he doesn't work out. I'm going to start here soon.

That's a really weird thing to respond to that with. This guy looks like he doesn't work out. I'm about to. Any day now. Back off. You have the body of a guy that's put the words gym on a calendar many times, but have never actually gone. And it was another man's name.

I'm going to fuck gym on Wednesday. You're built like you've never gone to the gym, but like you stretch continuously. Wow. Sometimes even I surprise myself. That was fucking hot.

Wow. Oh, man. How do I follow that? You got up last night. Maybe we should just It was fucking hot. Wow. That was good. Oh, man. How do I follow that? You got up last night. Maybe we should just keep flying through. Anything else you want to say, Trey? You living your dreams?

Yeah, this is fun. I got up twice, and I drove 12 hours for it, so it's worth it. 12 hours. Awesome. Anything else with Trey, guys? Any thoughts or anything? Dude, genuinely, genuinely really fucking funny shit. And also, you know what I like? Or maybe I don't know this, but his act didn't seem,

like after talking to him afterwards now, this is who he was in his act, which is fucking really great. He came up and you were like, oh, you're doing this character where you're some fucking weirdo. Yeah. And then you talk to him and you're like, oh. I'd even say, I'd even give you a note and say you could even go a little bit

slower. Take your time a little more. Yeah, that's a good point. I felt like you were even going a little, even though it's a whole, I gotta do it in a minute thing. It's always the biggest note is take your time during this because it's not about how many jokes you do. It's about us fucking feeling whatever. Your weird child man energy.

There he goes. Trey Thompson, ladies and gentlemen. Boom. Another one. fucking feeling whatever. Your weird child man energy. There he goes. Trey Thompson, ladies and gentlemen. Boom. Another one. We're having fun so far. We're meeting human beings. He's on Twitter at Tall and Oats. Whoa. Whoa.

Damn, Jeremiah. Laying it down over there. He's feeling it. He's in the zone. The vagina's getting wet. No reservations over there by this Indian fellow. Shut up. Please don't make that catch on. We don't want it to catch on, so stop doing it.

It's still the same idiot that said that he heard the cat, by the way, by the way. The same guy chanting Jerry is the only guy that heard the cat. It was recorded on an MP3, so you're going to all be able to hear it. Oh, I wonder who the guy that goes in and fixes the levels before the podcast gets released is, you fucking bullshitter. We can listen to it immediately

after the show. Nobody heard the cat! That's all that matters! If the comedian can't hear the cat, it's not about the podcast. You're going to make Sun look like an idiot, the cat, it's not about the podcast. You're going to make Suntran look like an idiot on the podcast. The cat's just meow.

Maybe Brian's girlfriend was getting into so many car accidents because he was working on her car. I can only push the button. That's all I can tell you. I don't know why you're so defensive about it. I pushed it four fucking times. What the fuck do you think I'm talking about?

Jesus Christ. Do you not hear what I'm saying? But if we can't hear it in the room, okay. Yeah, it's not me. Then turn the... I don't know why you're... I don't have anything other than have this mill knob that's turned all the fucking way up. I don't know why you're yelling. I don't have anything other than have this mill knob.

It's turned all the fucking way up. But it's not. Jesus Christ. I don't know why you're yelling because it's definitely not. Because I'm sick of your shit, man. Are you serious? No. Oh, perfect.

But I'm just saying, in the future. And the Academy Award for best podcast performance. I think there was a little bit of truth in there. I think it came from a real place, but he's still Red Band. Not to pour gas on the fire, but I did hear the kitty once or twice. Shut the fuck up.

You heard the wolf on your t-shirt, you piece of shit. Can I have a Crown Royal and Coke at some point? By the way, I'll take one of those. You guys want a drink? Yeah, can I get another Jack and Diet? You guys want a drink? Shot of Fireball? Oh, wait, no, you don't.

Zarka for Luigi. Your finest Zarka. Could I get some white man fire water, please? I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys ready for more? Uninterrupted 60 seconds. Going to Zed 60 seconds going to Zane Fletcher. Zane Fletcher. Oh, wait.

Is he coming from the middle of the room all the way around? No, no, no. Music, music. Zane's taking the long path. Music, music. Oh, no music now. Music, music. Hey, put your hands together for Zane Fletcher, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, what's up, y'all? So, I have a friend who's like a weed head trying to pass a drug test. No dice, let me tell you. He had this fucking, this Visine bottle that he filled with, like, coffee grounds and water that he strained or some shit. Put some pineapple juice in there. I mean, I guess it should work, but... So, he figured he had to get it up to temperature

for the drug test, right? Because it's got to be body temperature. But he put it in the microwave at this gas station right by the drug testing place, and we were smoking weed on the way to the drug testing place, so it's like jesus christ and uh so i was like dude put it in there for like 20 seconds this motherfucker puts it in there for

two minutes okay he gets it out there it's like engorged like Zeus's cock. It's like fucking scary. It's like this fucking fat. Right? Okay, there you go. That was the cat. Hey, uh... Brian, can you turn that cat down a little bit? Zane, you

were absolutely hilarious. Your comedy was terrible. Let's talk about it. How long have you been on stand-up for? This is my first time. Wow, there you go. In that case... In that case, it was pretty amazing.

That wasn't that bad. I swear to God, I would have thought it was his third. That's crazy. I'm sorry to all the real comedians that wanted to get... Shut up, Zane. None of these people are real comedians. Get back in front of the mic.

They live in Houston. I like your style, Zane. Yeah, none of these people are real comedians. Get back in front of the mic. They live in Houston. I like your style, Zane. I love it. You look like a guy that wants to be a school shooter, so he dresses up as one of the students to try to sneak in. He tries to go undercover. Just a seventh grader.

He looks like someone from a different species who was sent here to try to dress like humans. What would a human wear? I don't know. He saw one movie in the 80s and he just has to go off that. He's like this. Yes. I want to

congratulate him on winning the Olympics in Mighty Ducks 2 oh this is so much fun Zane what made you want to do stand up what was the thing well to be honest I've always wanted to do it and I listen to the podcast

so I was like if I get a chance for this to be my first time, I'd be here. Yeah, we've popped a lot of people's cherries. And we've let them do the show, too. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Zane, why are you dressed like

you're a caddy at a putt-putt course? I mean, shit. Isn't he just like Marty McFly from the future where he didn't fit into his clothes? How did you make the last guy look like a good dresser? Hey, I'm a fucking great dresser. This is a nice jacket, great T-shirt. Interesting.

So Zane, what do you do for work? How old are you? By the way, what are you, Ric Flair? What do I do? I'm styling and profiling, Tony. I don't know if he is. Zane, what do you do for work? I have been unemployed for like two months.ane, what do you do for work? I have been unemployed for two months.

Wow, why did you just turn gay? It's raining, man. Boom. I've been unemployed for fucking just two months. So I'll suck your dick for $12. You got so gay there, Zane. As soon as you mention money, he goes into gay hooker mode. Oh, music's back up.

Look at this. This is perfect. All right, Zane, I have a lot to find out about you. Let's talk about it. How old are you? I'm 26. I turned 26 last month. About to turn 27.

No, no, I turned 26 last month. Okay, just say fucking 26, dude. I turned 26 last month. I turned just say fucking 26, dude. I turned 26 last month. I turned 27 in 11 months. I'm 26 in 14. In 13 months. Fuck that up?

Yeah, I did. 23 months. Motherfucking haters. I'll get tweets about that. You idiot. You idiot, Tony. Your math was way off. Cheers. Thanks, Anthony. Cheers idiot, Tony. Your math was way off. Cheers. Thanks, Anthony. Cheers to you guys. Okay, Zane.

Let's get into it, buddy. What was the last job that you had? I was an auto detailer. Answer the question, Zane. I was like, I did the details. I was, I was, I was, I was, what's the answer? Just straight to the answer. He was a DJ.

A DJ? I was a, I was, I was, I was a, I was a, drop of those flat beats. So Zane, what was this occupation that you had? I did interior. Why do you always have to set it up? Why can't you just say the job? It's a weird job.

Say the word. I was once a DJ dry dick. That was a good impression, Indian man. Just for a second, try it with me. Ask me what my job is. What's your job? Comedian. Alright, your turn. Let's try it.

Zane, what was the last job that you had? Detailer. What was it? Alright, now it's too little. I was an auto detailer. I would do interior repairs on cars. You left one of the words off. I fixed that auto detailer. Like, I would do interior repairs on cars. You mean you're the one that... You left one of the words off.

I fixed that guy's car. You're the one that's fucking Suntran's wife? Very hard to do an auto detailer callback on an improvised show. Let it be known, you don't find that anywhere in entertainment. It's high level, Tony. That's a detail or callback on an improvised show. Let it be known, you don't find that anywhere in entertainment. It's high level, Tony. That's a high level callback. We're all the Yankees tonight.

We're all just hitting home runs. Back to you, Zane. You like manga. You like anime? I like anime. I love anime! I'm not like a fucking super animator.

Are you about to fucking judge? I don't have my ceilings covered in posters. Did you really just throw me a I like anime. I'm not one of those anime nerds, but just as much as the next guy, sure. I jerk off to the stuff.

What is your favorite type of porn, Zane? My favorite type of porn? To tell you the truth, lately it's been just regular meat and potato shit. You know, just... How do you... That's the funniest thing you've ever... That... Please put in your act.

What did he say? You like meat and potatoes. I can't understand anything this fucking guy says. I don't know how you guys know what he's saying. He has worse English than Suntran's entire family. Did you say like meat and potatoes porn?

Yeah. Like Irish porn? Wait, baked potatoes porn? Bangers and mash. I'm really into corn, beef, and cabbage porn. That's my shit. What the fuck was your answer, Zane? Meat and mash. I'm really into corn, beef, and cabbage porn. That's my shit. What the fuck was your answer, Zane? Meat and potatoes. I've never wanted to give a guy a dry erase board

before to answer questions on a live podcast. It's like regular porn, you know? Are you a white guy? No, meat and potatoes is tranny porn. Dicks and fake tits. Yeah. Is that true? I don't know if it's true,

but it should be. That should be what they call. Yeah, meat potatoes, double Ds, and a long seven inch dick. Anyway, what was the actual answer to the question that I asked you, Zane? Just like regular porn, man. Just like chicks that are attractive.

Chicks that are attractive? Who do you find attractive? Who's your favorite porn star? Great question. I mean, I don't know, dude. You fucking know, Zane. The ones I can think of are like ones I don't like, strangely enough.

Dude, ask me the same question. What's your favorite porn star? Sasha Gray. All right. Before you finish the question. Yeah, and she's retired. That's how good she is. What's your very boy story? Before you finish the question. Yeah, and she's retired. That's how good she is. I don't even need the new shit. I can watch the old shit and still jerk off to it. She's super retired.

No cream pies on record. Unbelievable. Can still come to her. That's how good she is. Is that a real thing? She has no cream pies. Zane, I'm not going to lie. You sort of seem like a creepy guy to me. So with that said, let me ask you this. What do you think?

Let's get to the point here. What do you think in your real life? You know everything about you. And we know that you're a cool dude. You smoke a lot of pot. You're pretty hip. You look like Josh Martin if he gave up. Which is funny because Josh Martin Josh Martin if he gave up. Which is funny

because Josh Martin already looks like he gave up. But... Let me ask this question. What do you think, if you had to guess, without trying to be funny, just tell the truth, but what's the weirdest thing about you? The weirdest thing about me?

There's the Zane Fletcher setup that we all know and love. Are you doing the weirdest stance about you? The weirdest thing about me? There's the Zane Fletcher setup that we all know and love. Are you doing the weirdest stance about you? Yeah. The weirdest thing about me is I'm a gay superhero. It's raining men! I don't even know what you're playing.

Whenever he thinks he turns into a homosexual. Let me answer your question. What's the weirdest thing about you, Zane? I know you're at number 117 in your Rolodex of weird. Can't say that one. Can't say that one. Can't say that one. I can't tell them that.

This is a live podcast. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. What is the weirdest thing about me? You tell me, man. I hang around weird people. It's hard for me to tell the weirdest thing about me. I mean, I can name like 400 things. Like, shoot.

Throw something out there. Tell us something that you don't want people to know about you. That I don't want people to know about me. Alright, Zane, I'm gonna ask you a question.

Okay? Hold on a second here. Can I just have, can we pause that for a second? I need to get serious here. I'm gonna ask you a question. Alright? I want you to already have the microphone next to your mouth.

Stop doing that fucking boring Anthony Jezelnik thing that you keep doing by dropping the mic near your waist. I'm not saying Jezelnik's boring. I'm saying he's a boring version of Anthony Jezelnik. Just to get that clear, I love Anthony Jezelnik. I'm a player. No, not at all. I'm a multiple time guest on this show.

Love Anthony. You're a boring version of Anthony Jesselneck. Keep the mic right next to your mouth. You ready? Keep it next to your mouth. Don't move it from there. I'm about to ask you a question. With no reset, I need you to answer it immediately without thinking. You can do no wrong. Ready?

What's your least favorite race? Oh, my God. Answer it! Say it! The white man. Zane, every second that you wait, Oh my god. Answer it! Say it! The white man. Zane, every second that you wait, you're losing. Once again, ask me the same question.

Jews! Obviously it's Jews, you idiot. It's always Jews. Let's try it again. Zane, you totally failed at the one fucking mission by the way Stop putting the mic Is your dick about to do stand up? Put the mic up next to your mouth

Put it next to your fucking mouth He's doing this shuffle thing too He dances up there, it's great Jeremiah's hating this right now It's time to move on We need more comics up here I agree I'm sorry

I'm trying to get Zane to have a breakthrough And I don't think it's going to happen You're not answering the questions at all But it's okay You're not used to this It's hard to think of What's the weirdest thing about it I don't want people to know

You seem like a rapper Look what's the weirdest thing about me. I don't want people to know. You seem like a rapper. Look what's finally happening. Look who's coming out of his... The weirdest thing about me is I listen to your podcast probably. You're wrong about that. Way to play to the crowd of people that came to the show

that you're on right now. The weirdest thing about me is I listen to this bullshit. Great answer, Zane. Only a bunch of idiots would listen to this podcast. I'm glad we gave you 12 and a half minutes to think of an answer and that's what you came up with.

I hope this crowd beats the shit out of you after the show. I swear to God, I hope they stomp the fucking shit out of you and take your jacket off your body and wave it over their head. Look, they're fucking getting rowdy right now. They're throwing bottles. Amen. Zane, before I let you go, I do want to say this, is that it needs to absolutely be remembered that anybody who ever wants to do this should absolutely feel free to always sign up.

It's something that you wanted to do and you had fun and it was fun getting to meet you. And you're different. And thank you for doing it. There he goes, Zane Fletcher, everybody. It's fun to take chances and do different shit. Out of all the people that we've ever had on, though, I think he has some deep, dark secrets, that kid. Oh, what's the weirdest thing about me?

He's just picturing this girl that's tied up right now behind his parents' shed. Weirdest thing about me? Oh, I don't even know what could be within this show. She's gonna be brisket later. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Anything can happen, as we've learned.

Put your hands together for Gabe Bravo. Whoa. Whoa, he got a big pop. He's a local hero. He's a local hero. I said I'm free to do what I want I've only got a minute, so shut up. I cut my girlfriend's cocaine with Valtrex because we have herpes

and she doesn't even know about it just yet. Ha ha ha! Thank you. When I was a kid, my mom would drive me to school every day, which was very nice of her. The only thing I had against that was I never got to see the inside of a public school bus, so I didn't know what that was all about. I knew what the short buses were for but that just made me terrified that the regular buses were for giant retarded people.

People have told me I have a golden penis. It's not because of my sexual prowess. It's because my Uncle Midas was a very bad man. Ah! Good job. Listen to that. Gabe Bravo, ladies and gentlemen. That's me.

I believe it was the great Luis J. Gomez that once said the words, tight, tight. Also tight. That was from his first book. Everything about that was absolutely unbelievable, Gabe. Great jokes. How long have you been on stand-up?

About four years. Yeah, it feels like even more than that. Thank you. Your jokes are beyond their years. Really good for four years. Yeah, that Valtryek joke was not only a great joke, but also a great idea. Yeah.

I feel like... Yeah, I wrote that down. You know what's weird? The last guy apologized to the real comedians, but he couldn't have made you look better. So he really... That's true. That's true. I feel like this is a weird compliment

that I don't think I've ever given anyone, but I can picture all the funniest comedians that I know laughing at that Valtrex show. Oh, thank you. That seems so smart to me. Louis even turned to me and we're fucking at the top of hater mountain if you're ever wondering

I hate giving compliments Valtrex burns though I notice it always burns that's the thing actually I know a friend who has it prescribed to him and it's very like the pills are huge like I wanted to take a look at them what's this friend's name?

Steven Brando. He's the owner of this club. Oh, just got called out. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. Yeah, that backfired,

motherfucker. Wow. Got him. Talk about being thrown under the bus. Only a white man would turn on his brother like that. Holy shit. Holy shit. Oh, my God.

Oh, you're going to change the fucking chant, you buffy? Yeah, what the fuck? This guy's the worst. All right. Well, Gabe, I mean, you're fucking unbelievable. Are you here in Houston? Yeah. Why?

What are you doing? It's cheap to live here. I tour with a couple of guys. I've done a bunch of shows with Todd Berry. I do stuff with... I went on a little run with Joe De of guys. I've done a bunch of shows with Todd Berry. I do stuff with... Oh, yeah. I went on a little run with Joe DeRosa, who I like a lot.

I'm about to go on tour with... Did you borrow those clothes from him? I don't have a lot of clothing options. I lost a bunch of weight. You got the pants from Todd Berry and the shirt from Joe DeRosa. For those of you that don't know, you have to, I guess, Google image those punchlines. I mean, you can literally, if you did the bottom

of Todd's body and the top of Joe's body, that would be exactly that. We forgot to mention that whoever's the best, we think is the best comedian of the night gets to open the next show. Oh, yeah, the stand-up show. You're definitely high on the list right now. There you go.

Well, thank you. It's very nice right now. There you go. Well, thank you. It's very nice of you. If you can. Unfortunately, Owen Lee has a minute. So if you don't like the same jokes, you're not... Do we decide or does the audience decide? Yeah, the audience will decide. Wow, okay.

No, just because he said audience, I want to decide. But we can veto it. Will you please shut up for the rest of the show? You're so annoying. I had to remove so many people at the festival, and I'll do it to you. I don't give a shit. He yells again, I want him gone. Thank you.

That's how it happens. Too much sexual tension. Not only do we want him gone. That's what it is. I totally want to fuck that guy. We want his head hit every door on the way out. Gabe, what else about you? What's your real life like?

Do you have a podcast? I don't. I don't have a podcast. You make money? I'm a musician and a comedian and I work here. Wow, you sing? No, I play drums. That is so fucking cool.

On your stomach? Yeah. It's called Hambone. Are you in a band? Kind of. Wow, you sing? No, I play drums. That is so fucking cool. On your stomach? Yeah. Oh. It's called Hambone. Are you in a band? Kind of. I play with a guy named Dylan Trim. He's a very talented singer.

Oh, cool. Really? Well, where were you fucking yesterday, idiots? Wow. Fuck you. Come support me. Wait, wait, wait. Let me just tell you something. Only three people clapped at that.

Yeah. How small was your audience last night? Oh, my God. It was tiny. Where were you three people? There you go. It was embarrassing. We have some footage of Gabe playing.

What's the name of your band? I play with Dylan Trim. Oh, Dylan Trim. So the band is called Dylan Tr with Dylan Trim. Oh, Dylan Trim. So the band is called Dylan Trim and Gabe Bravo. Oh, that's awesome. That's original. Wait, is this a drummer and a singer? Yeah.

Really? Mm-hmm. You guys like killing it? I wanted to hate that, but then I started thinking about it. I was like, that sounds pretty cool. Do you love that? I like it, yeah. I've been playing with that guy for a long time.

What's your stand-up to music ratio, thought-wise, like in a day? Not how many hours, but like percentage-wise, like if it was 100% high. Stand-up is like probably 90%. Yeah. And then music is like maybe 9%.

So if you could... What's that other 1%? Like if you wanted... Your dream is one over the other. Like, you'd rather be a comedian. I want to try to do both at the same time. No, you got to choose one, dude. You got to pick a fucking link. You got to pick a path right now.

Tonight's the night. Yeah, no one's ever been like, have you heard Chappelle? Here, here, bring out Dylan Trim. Bring out Dylan Trim right now. We're going to bring him up on the stage. We're going to put a fucking gun against his head. So I can only pick one? What are you trying to... right now. We're going to bring him up on the stage. We're going to put a fucking gun against his head.

So I can only pick one? What are you trying to... Dude, no one does music and comedy. Oh, you know what? Actually, it works out pretty good. Think about how bad that would be. It would be awful. Gabe, what is... What else are you into? Are you in love? No.

Not at all. Are you single? Single. How long have you been single for? How long have you been single for? How long have I been single for? Are you gay or are you just super hip? I'm just super hip. Super hip. I'm the same way. I get it all the time. Later on we can talk about it and totally

not make out. No, Tony, he's not super hip. He's got super hips. That's how he keeps those pants up. You do put the hip in hipster. Thank you. That's lovely. What kind of pens are those in your pocket?

I think, what kind of pens? These are Bic pens, I think. Bic? Bic guy, huh? Yeah. They were here. I stole them from here. So, old school.

Are you looking to... Are you looking to purchase any new Dreamcatchers? Do you have two pens because you're a douchebag and you gotta let people know you're a drummer? Take them out all the time. That's it. No, these are actually Sun Chan's chopsticks.

I tried it. It didn't work. Sorry, Sun. I'm so sorry Suntran absolutely so fucking funny with your minute tonight you should be extremely proud of yourself there he goes, Gabe Bravo he's on Twitter at the Gabe Bravo

whoa what was that? Whoa! What was that? He was going crazy over there. I'm sorry, I just did two fireballs. Well, then... Just relax, then. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Gavin Burr.

What's up? Works now, don't it? Thank you I have this theory That veganism and CrossFit Are spreading the same way Christianity used to Just a bunch of white people moved in And then never shut the fuck up It's like you guys want to try this thing we're into just a bunch of white people moved in and then never shut the fuck up.

It's like, you guys want to try this thing we're into? It's got a lot of rules. Got fancy places where just us hang out. It's great. It's really the way you ought to be. Yeah. Anyway. I was raised Catholic.

Yeah, it was terrible. But a good point is... I don't even know where I was fucking going with that. Neither did we. Gavin Burr. What up? All right. For those of you listening to the podcast, we were surprised to see that Gavin Burr. What up? All right. For those of you listening to the podcast, we were surprised to see that Gavin Burr,

we pulled the name out of the bucket, and that was the sound tech that's been fixing everything that has gone wrong throughout the night. Yeah, I'll be fired tomorrow. You shouldn't have fixed anything. I don't think they were going to fire you up until the set that they just saw you do. Now they're probably going to fire you.

If only you could go back in time and not fix your mic. I would totally do that. It's not your fault, it's the cables. You guys buy the shittiest cables ever, I guess. Fucking four in one show. It was the great Alanis Morissette that once said, you live, you learn. It's called You Live, You Learn.

He just leaned into me and goes, what song is that? What the fuck happened to you? I thought it was just a lick, Tony! Oh, this new yelling thing is the worst, by the way. If this is your way to... All right, fuck it. Gavin, let's talk about it.

You work here. Yeah. How long have you worked here? Six months since we opened. Oh, wow. It's only been open six months. Yeah. When we were here, we sold this place out twice in six months.

How about that? That's crazy. Somehow Houston has become like the Tower 7 of Kill Tony. It's just our little brother to the east. Black helicopters. Gavin.

Okay, let's just try to jump into it. Have you done, do you do stand up? Yeah. Well, in that case, whoopsie daisy. Gavin, put down the mic stand. Don't hit us. How long have you been doing it? About a year.

Awesome. Also, I do have legitimate crippling fucking anxiety, so I've already been cursing myself for this fuck up that y'all have experienced. Well, let me say, because you even mentioned, I think when the first guy was up, you were like, oh, you were very poised up here.

I just say, dude, for a year in comedy, when I was a year in comedy, I was still nervous to do comedy. And to do comedy with comics who have been doing comedy judging, for that to be anxiety provoking is like very normal. Especially when... It's not like a thing that's weird.

Here's the thing. Dave is trying to work here again. I don't really care. He's lying right to your face. That was horrific. Dude, I was going to throw the last three bets and then I got over it. Gavin, the anxiety never, ever, ever goes away.

Oh, yeah, no, it hasn't. It hasn't remotely come close to stopping. What? I said it hasn't come remotely close to stopping. Well, I mean, that's a different conversation. What I'm talking about is the anxiety. Just don't do anything crazy. And if you do happen to kill yourself tonight,

do it by these janky cables that you bought for the show. You can hang yourself. I promise. No, I'm kidding. Are you also a musician? Because you have that musician look. No, not currently. So you have nothing else to call that?

No, I tried to get laid when I was younger. I feel like you're maybe more of a roadie. Favorite band? I just do whatever Andrew tells me to do. I need you to suck my dick. I just do whatever Andrew tells me to do. What are you, the Gimp? Yeah.

Bring out the gimp. He does make me wear the suit. Does he beat you? Yeah. Interesting. Gavin, what's your life like? What do you do on a day-to-day basis? Go ahead, Gavin.

Waste time until I fucking come here and spend 18 hours a day here. And then what do you mostly do here? Just run around fixing shit that you could have taken care of before? Yeah. All right. See, I did sound check every item on this stage. Yeah, we did. And it was great.

We did. That's true. It's true. But didn't make it to the start. What are you beating yourself up more about, the set or the soundcheck? The soundcheck, clearly. Really?

The soundcheck? Andrew's going to be very mad at me. I'm a bad boy. Andrew doesn't like it when we make mistakes. When you were born at the hospital and your mother wrote Gavin on your birth certificate, did they give you the complimentary beanie? Yeah.

Well, I only have enough hair to stick out the back. Okie dokie. That got dark for no reason. That's why I wear the beanie. It's so weird. Even though you didn't take it off, I can see it now. I see it. No, see, I have

Jack Nicholson's hairline. No joke. So that's why I always wear hats and shit. Why? You have a girlfriend? Huh? You have a girlfriend? I have Jack Nicholson's hairline, no joke. So that's why I always wear hats and shit. Why? Oh. You have a girlfriend? Huh? You have a girlfriend? Yeah.

Put the hat back on. Wow. That was like he went from fucking, I don't know why, he looks like kind of a hip dude with the hat on, then he takes it off. You're like, okay, this guy rapes and murders people. Like hat on, people kind of want to fuck me. Hat on, no.

No, not at all. You look like the disowned son of Jesus Christ. Funny story. I am a disowned son. Oh, now you're going to start?

Yeah. Yeah. Alright. Oh, here's a bunch of funny jokes I could tell you. I remember now. Well, it's not really a joke. It's just an entertaining Jesus' disowned son. Like, fuck you, Dad. Grandpa runs

everything anyway. No, but, uh... It was a good joke, Tony. Thank you very much. I'm just soaking in it, even though nobody's really laughing as hard as what it deserved. I'm picturing the laughs it deserved.

That's what I do now. Instead of getting mad at the crowd, I just hear the laughs that it deserved. I hear it in my own head. They say Beethoven heard the music before he wrote it. That's it. That's how I do it. Gavin, what was your funny story?

I said you look like the son that Jesus disowned. Yeah, yeah. So about 31 years ago, my mom was fucking around on my dad. She was like the Mary Magdalene. Jesus Christ Superstar just so happened to be

on tour and she was sleeping with Teddy, the dude playing Jesus. I love how his name was Teddy. A guy named Teddy was fucking your mom? That's awesome. Yeah. And I do look more like him than my dad. So you're telling me

that in this crazy world where I nailed a 10 star joke about you being Jesus' disowned son. You're telling me right now that your mother

cheating on your father with a guy that made a living playing Jesus Christ and you're most likely his disowned son? Holy shit. Tony fucking Hinchcliffe. Wait, do Tony Hinchcliffe's joke have the power to make things real? Your jokes are divine intervention, Tony.

I'm changing the world. And I did it all after a shot of Fireball. Tony's going to start performing at churches where he jokes people out of wheelchairs. Oh, my God. All right, Gavin, you get back to work. We need you out there. We're going to fly through some more people.

There he goes. Gavin Burr. Gavin Burr. Wait a second. Hold on. I just noticed something amazing. Gavin Burr. That's B-U-R-R.

Clearly no relation to Bill Burr. It's really... Clearly no relation to Bill Burr. It's really... Jeremiah, are you okay over there? I was in a weird place. It's my day for saxophone solos. In between the show. We sing... It is my favorite motion picture film, Jurassic Park.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's make some noise for Zahid Dujji. Hey, guys. Nice to be here. I love dogs. Not the way Sun likes dogs, just the regular way. I have one of those friends that treats her dog like it's her baby, you know one of those people? Like the other day, she drowned it in a tub. I was like, what?

Yeah, silly bitch. That she drowned it in a tub. I was like, what? Yeah. Silly bitch. That's a ridiculous thing to do. Dude, like, last week, somebody on the street goes, what's up, Queery McFagstein? They just shouted that, and I was like, that's one thing to call me gay, but to imply that I'm an Irish Jew?

Real fucked up. Didn't like that. Jews are the worst people. Call back. Just kidding. They're not people. I'm 29. I still live with my parents,

which would be totally acceptable if they were still alive or whatever. I think the term stillborn is very confusing, because it sounds like good news, but in reality that's just a misconception. Wah! Wah!

Zahid Dujji. Oh, shit. Very impressive. I... I love the most that he was doing so good that in his last 20 seconds Oh, shit. Very impressive. I love the most that he was doing so good that in his last 20 seconds of his minute, he got into that comfortable leg pose where he's like, I'm really going to enjoy the stage.

It made me furious. I said it to Tony as soon as his foot went on there. I was liking him, and then I watched it in slow motion. I was like, oh, who the fuck does this guy think he is? And then Tony goes, ugh, those are feelers. And then he goes, no, it makes me furious. And I go, no, those are feelers. That's literally what happened all the way.

That was an amazing moment of who I am, who Lewis is, and who you are as a person. I just went, I like it. And Lewis went, I hate it. And Tony goes, those shoes suck. I was with you. It was more like an and they're feelers than just like, ugh. It's true. I've never seen anybody go in 40 seconds from a nobody to Kevin Hart.

But, I mean, 40 seconds, I got this, bitch. Just start taking off your clothes. He was kind of nervous at first. His arms were crazy. My first note in my head was his body language was very nervous. And then he got that first big laugh. And the jokes were good. And you opened the fuck up.

But you opened up just a little bit too much. Did you ever see, what's the guy's name? Fucking who was married to Mariah Carey. Did Cannon. Nick Cannon. He did a special. If you didn't see it, you shouldn't. But he starts off in a suit.

And by the end of the hour he's in a wife beater. He keeps loosening the tie. You pulled that off in a minute with what you did in that thing. You're already better than Nick Cannon in my mind. He's legitimately a better comedian

than Nick Cannon right now. By the way, also in that minute you're also a better stand-up comedian than Nick Cannon. But to your credit, Zahid, you do sort of look like you were shot out of a Nick Cannon. What is your ethnicity? Dude, that's not that off. I'm East

African Indian, so that is pretty fucking accurate right there. Did you say Indian? I can relate to Tony. The only thing I didn't like about your set was your shoes, because they are white. Oh, fuck. God damn it.

God damn it. Zahid, how long have you been on stand-up? Three and a half years. Three and a half years. I would say he's in the list of the people that we might call to the show afterwards. There you go. Brian's having this imaginary reality show competition over here tonight. So your name goes over there with Brian while he keeps doing this. If Simon Cowell gave up 40 years ago thing that he's doing over here.

He's emailing your agent right now. You'll see. All right. For the rest of the comedians coming up, no. We only have three roses left. Are you all white over there? What's up with Jeremiah? Reset him.

Can you hold the button down? He's light as a feather, stiff as a board. That's a feather Indian. All right, fuck it. Great joke, Tony. I'm already pulling another name out of the bucket while Zahid is on stage, by the way, for those of you paying close attention.

You're also, I will say right now, for whatever your ethnicity is, kind of like an attractive version of that. You're the better version of that, definitely. 100%. What are East African Indians known for? Are they known for East African and Indian? Yikes.

Am I right, people? Better than any Vietnamese, though. Am I right, guys? Like tech support for D Antwerp. It's almost like if you're African. Hey, Red Band finally got a laugh. All right, cool. Whoa.

Killing it. Killing it. Oh, he's doing good. He's doing good. Shut up, Zahid. You fucked up. You fucked up. I'm taking this fucking list over here.

Looks like gay Bravo just jumped right back to the top. Hard to do in pants as tight as he's wearing, but he made the jump back up to the top. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. But seriously, those. Okay, guys. So African and Indian, does that mean that you show up late

and you find out you should have made reservations? Or does it mean you constantly search for chicken on the internet? Indians go on the internet a lot? Do you not like the... The gas station kind, yes. Do you not like the Asian guy that was up before you? You've taken two shots at him.

No, I love him, man. I love Son. I love Gabe, Gavin. All the guys up here, we're all good friends. I don't know who the fuck that Zane guy was, though, but everybody else... I love that. Well, man, we're going to keep flying through people.

You absolutely did great tonight. Thank you guys so much. Thanks a lot, man. Appreciate it. Good night, guys. Thanks. There he goes, Zahid Dujji. Whoa, Brian just put him back in his magic pile.

Brian grabbed a piece of paper and put it back. A storyline to follow later. At the end, Brian sort of liked him. If you're following Brian's side reality show. Red band. What'd I do this time? Okay. I pulled another name. You guys having fun or what?

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Another uninterrupted 60 seconds goes to Jake Walker here we go I don't see not much of a Walker at all it seems he's coming

yes oh oh shit he's blind you fucking asshole he's going the wrong way somebody fucking help him off take him to the other. Help him up. Somebody fucking help him up. Take him to the other side. Wait, wait, wait. You're going to confuse him or something.

Hey, just have him climb up. He's not a black guy. Don't worry. Yeah. Oh, shit. This is unbelievable. I'm dropping a flavor. My behavior is hereditary.

But my technique is very necessary. That was a great entrance. All right. Yeah was a great entrance. All right. Yeah, I just had hemorrhoid surgery. Any of y'all deal with that? Yeah, I had a case of what I call hubba-bubba butt. That's where your ass looks like somebody chewed up a whole pack of gum at one time

and just kind of gave you a hubba-bubba butt plug. Right, isn't that? And they showed me a picture of my ass before the surgery. It looked like every single character from that crazy Star Wars bar scene was sitting with Jabba the Hutt at a poker table shaped like an old balloon knot. When I got home, I spent two days ordering in pizza, popping Vicodin, because I'd never heard of OIC, opioid-induced constipation. Yeah, after what I call a come-to-Jesus shit. OIC now.

Yes. Yeah. I went back to the doc. He said, you know, we missed a couple. We're going to have to operate again. I said, doc, damn, I don't need it to look porn quality. I don't know how he missed two. I think my Star Wars guys did the trick.

These are not the roids you're looking for. Jake Walker, ladies and gentlemen. Look at that, a standing ovation. Oh, my God. All the girls are taking their tops off. Holy shit. They're squeezing their tit milk on your shoes. People are having orgies in the stands right now.

Oh my God, Jeremiah's playing the saxophone with his asshole. All right. Jake. There was so much incredible about what we just witnessed. I couldn't agree more. For those of you listening to the podcast, we should catch you up. Jake's blind as fuck, obviously, as a stick. Blind, which is awesome.

He's got a big smile on his face. He's much more comfortable than just the pussy-ass, insecure white people that were on earlier. Oh, I don't feel so good. You're up here. You're blind as fuck. You're having fun smiling ear to ear. You got up on stage. You took the hardest path possible.

You came up towards the middle. Yeah. And you got up on stage. Not only that, a black guy tried to help him on stage. And you could see Jake, at first he was like, okay. But then he heard that it was a black guy. He help him on stage. And you could see Jake, like at first he was like, okay. But then he heard that it was a black guy. He was like, yo, man, you need some help?

He was like, no, I got it, I got it. Well, you understand. Get off my wallet, young man. No, it's interesting. There's actually science behind this. If you lose your sight, you can hear race. Because it's just evolution, really. By the way, it was the most

badass blind entrance I've ever seen in my life. The black guy came up and he goes, no, no, no, you're going the wrong way because you need the stairs because you're a blind guy. And he was like, I fucking got it. It was amazing. It's true. The guy was just trying to be nice and the blind guy's like,

fuck you, bitch. I didn't want all them reparations. Whoa, geez. My God, I'm just going to turn a blind eye to what you just said. Thank you, Ashton. Man.

So fun. How long have you been doing stand-up? Well, I went on my first time here in November on Kill Tony's, and then about two months I've been writing every day and going up. It's because it takes them, like, an entire day to write one letter. That's right. You did your first set on this show six months ago or whatever. Yeah, November, right?

Yeah. But you just decided to start full-time six months ago or whatever. Yeah, November. But you just decided to start full time two months ago? Well, yeah, it got good to me. So around February I just started. Well, I mean, he's sort of good to you, you know what I mean? Hey, Tony, I have a question.

Yeah, anyway, so I started writing every day and just coming out every night. Man. Wait. Geez, now I see writing every day and just coming out every night. Man. Wait. Geez, now I see what this Indian has with white guys. He's blind to everybody, but he's only deaf to musical comedians. Yes, go ahead, Indian man.

I was going to ask him where he went to college. Harvard? Never mind. U of H. Go Cougs. Let me take that again. Indian guy, you had a question. Go ahead.

I was just simply going to ask which college he went to, Harvard or Braille. Worth a second setup for sure. Totally worth it. He's got a concussion. Jake, you're clearly blind. What are some interesting ways That affects you in your day to day life This is the weirdest Dr. Phil episode

I've ever seen by the way At home I know where everything is And if it's light outside I still see some I can see about 5 degrees Kind of like looking down that roll From the inside of a paper towel roll A little tunnel You see that Does that roll from the inside of a paper towel roll. So you have a little tunnel.

Gotcha. You see that? I got Dobby on it. Does that take up the whole thing? What's your favorite category of porn? Bumpy? Yeah, braille porn. Jesus.

Bumpy. Bumpy. I like... All right. So you guys sit there and go, oh, you whore. Oh, my God. Dirty slut. Oh, shit.

All right, Jake. Well, I mean, what else goes on in your life? You in love? I am not. Yeah? Doing a little dating. Seeing an ex. Well, I mean, you're sort of seeing an ex.

He's a joker, this one. He doesn't say anything. He's never off. Where do you meet these dates? You know, plenty of fish in the can't see? Oh, come on. That was bad. One of the gals I see lives in my condominium complex,

and the other is kind of an ex that I dated when I was much younger. He uses the gay dating app Blinder. Blinder. Okay, Jake, we are going to hustle you off and we're going to get one more human being up here. Jake Walker, ladies and gentlemen. We have enough time for one more. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time?

Jake, please be careful. I hope this guy cartwheels out of here. If he falls and hurts himself, we can't have a lawsuit, so we're just going to all kill him and bury him in the back. They have a nice big parking lot in the back. Nobody will ever find.

Andrew will be mad at us for this. Oh, so mad. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Your final comedian of the night. We've got to hustle right through it. His name is Tim Keaton. Whoa, right from the middle of the room. Oh, he's taking the blind guy approach.

Make some noise for Tim Keaton, everybody, come on. Thank you, thank you. This is my first time doing stand-up comedy again. And uh, uh... Uh, ha ha. Well. It's my first time doing stand-up comedy, and unlike my first time in sex, I do hope I last to 60 seconds. So, my mom used to whoop me as a child. I used to get spankings. I was a bad kid.

And just like any other Christian lady, she would go straight to the kitchen, grab the first wooden spoon that she could see and just whack the shit out of me, right? That's fine, but later on at dinner time when dad's sipping, so who got their ass whooped today? Tim, I'm tasting some ass beads. That's all I got,

man. 49 seconds of thunder from Tim Keaton. This definitely seemed like it was your first time comedian-ing. Comedian-ing is one of the hardest things that you can do. And we've dealt with a lot of comedian-ing. And on this podcast in particular, it's comedians, comedian-ing, talking to comedians that are also comedianing

for a living. You know, actually, one of my favorite web series is Jerry Seinfeld's Comedians, Comedians, and Cars Getting Comedians. It's unbelievable. I'm going to have to catch that. I love it. Tim, have you ever thought that maybe your words would come out better if your blood wasn't being constricted in your arms by that

shirt? Oh, yeah. You are a big, big Texas boy. There's no reason you and I should be wearing the same size shirt right now. No, I used a little too much starch there. Wait, what? No.

You're wearing too small of a shirt is the answer. It has nothing to do with starch. His pistols are too big. That's why. My pistols? What is going on over here? His pistols are too big.

You're turning into a full-grown bear. You're turning into the West Hollywood bear, Brian. Dude, for your first time. It's a Dallas bear. It's a Dallas bear. For your first time, that was amazing. I mean, like, you can't have a better set than that. Like, that was

congratulations for your first time. Yeah, yeah. Totally. Thank you. It was fun. It's a bit of a stretch. To the Indian guy. Go ahead. No, no, that shirt is a bit of a stretch right now, I'm saying. Here's the thing. Here's what I'll tell you about this guy. Number one, love the arms. Fucking dope, bro. Second of all, okay? Just gotta get that out of the's what I'll tell you about this guy. Number one, love the arms. Fucking dope, bro.

Second of all, okay? Just got to get that out of the way. I can tell you're one of the funny guys in your friends, right? More made fun of than funny guys. More made fun of. Okay. Well, maybe you shouldn't. But no, in a fun way.

Don't awe at it. It's a good time. We have fun, yeah. Yeah, but you seem like you have a jolly energy. Way to make it sad, by the way. It was like, you seem like the funny guy in your friends. I don't have friends. What are friends?

Tim, what do you do for work? I work for an engineering firm. Oh. Engineering what? Big biceps? Oh, yeah. What I don't like is that I just can't get a gauge of him. Like, I don't know what this is. You look like you're part of a progressive hate group or something.

You don't recognize him? He was the villain in the 80s movie Over the Top. That's an arm wrestling movie reference for those of you that missed it. Google it and you'll love it later. I will say that Indian Jeremiah was trying to get that joke off for five full minutes. Tim Keaton, I've always wondered

what it would be like if Mark Hunt did comedy. And I think you pulled it off. We got to hustle out of here, though. There he goes, Tim Keaton. Guys, guess what? Hey, Tony, who should we pick? Who should we pick for the show next? We got Gabe and

Zahid. Gabe Bravo and Zahid. Who do you guys think? Who do you guys think? On the count of three, who thinks Gabe? All right. Who thinks Zahid? La, la, la, la, la, la, la. There you go.

Catch Gabe Bravo on the stand-up show. Gabe, you're up. You get to open the show next. Anyway, so you could be on the lookout for that. But those of you coming to the amazing fucking stand-up show that is featuring sets by every single fucking person on this stage tonight and also many other fun secret guests. Also, some of our absolute favorite

human beings from the comedy store that we work with every night. The great Josh Martin is going to be performing. Lucas Hurl. After this, in between this and all night, Josh Martin has his hands on the brand new that you guys are literally the first to ever get the chance to buy them in the flesh.

I haven't even seen them. Look at this. There he is. The brand new Kill Tony poster. Stand up in the front of the stage, Josh. Josh pretends like he's blind sometimes, too. Thanks, Tony. That's the new poster, so that's for sale all night long.

And Jeremiah, what do you want to plug real quick? Anything else for the podcast listeners? I just discovered social media. Follow me at JeremiahStandUp. If you reach out to me, I might just hit you back. And I'm on Big Jay Ogerson's new CISO show, What's Your F'n Deal? Check it out. As am I.

Keep an eye on that. So check me out on that as well that's a Kill Tony double up Dave Smith thank you so fucking much this was so fun Dave Smith's first time as a Kill Tony panelist

thank you dude I love this show forever I'm a fan of all you guys it's great to be here and just check out Legion of Skanks on social media and all that listen to Legion of Skanks religiously. Also, of course, as we all know, the Stymaster on my episode of Legion of Skanks, the great Luis J. Gomez, everybody. Anything else, Luis?

Skankfest last weekend in June, for sure. Yeah, but we're sold out for Skankfest, so you've got to follow Skankfest NYC on Twitter. You get win-free tickets. That's the only way to get tickets. That pitch has been sold out're sold out for Skank Fest. You gotta follow Skank Fest NYC on Twitter. You get win-free tickets. It's the only way to get tickets. That bitch has been sold out in a week. Also, check out my other podcasts. All of them are on the Gas Digital Network. GasDigitalNetwork.com

That's it, man. Look out for me in your hometown doing stand-up. That's it. I love that. I have a couple other podcasts, too. The Pony Hour, available on iTunes. And also The Store Horseman. If anybody's ever been a pro

wrestling fan, me and my friends that used to be pro wrestling fans when we were kids all got together and we started doing a pro wrestling podcast. There's over 30 episodes of that already available. Dropped it secretly underneath your noses. We're the number one pro wrestling podcast in the world.

The Pony Hour is the number one interview podcast in the world done in a basement between the hours of 2 and 4 on the West Coast. But this is the number one live podcast in the world. That's just a goddamn fact. Brian Redband, take us home.

Alright, I'll see you guys later. Bye, we love you. Thank you, Houston. I love you, Houston. I love you, Houston. Outro Music send people back in. Thank you.