KILL TONY - KILL TONY #209

Episode Date: May 7, 2017

Steve Rannazzisi, Steve Simeone. Jeremiah Watkins, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 04/24/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Don't forget to go to DeathSquad.tv for everything Kill Tony. Not only do we have video portions to a lot of the shows, we also have tour dates.

Just click on tour dates, and you can see where Kill Tony is next. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world-famous Comedy Store, we always go on the road, and we're coming to the Skank Fest in July. End of July, we'll be there. It's already sold out, so you're screwed. So I don't know what to tell you. But we have a bunch of new dates and stuff about to be announced, so always go to

DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has all the other stuff he does. He has tour dates, he has merch, he's got other podcasts. Check it out. TonyHinchcl has tour dates. He has merch. He's got other podcasts. Check it out. TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebel is the house artist.

He draws every episode. He has the Kill Tony poster for sale. The new one. And he also draws every episode and sells prints of it. Go to RyanJEBEL.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Hats, hoodies, shirts, everything.

Go to ShopSquad.TV and help us, support us. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road famous comedy server brand new episode of Kill Tony get over to Tony Hanchcliffe make some fucking noise, what is going on out here, make some more

noise, are you guys excited to be at the number one live podcast in the world or what I already feel uncomfortable with this crowd, you guys excited to be at the number one live podcast in the world or what? I already feel uncomfortable with this crowd. You guys seem off as fuck. What's going on? Everything okay? We are hot after three shows. Guys, let's try it one more time. Make some fucking noise. Let the people listening. There you go. There it is. Jesus. They make me fucking work. Good to be here. Welcome to the show.

Come on in. Settle in, guys. Here they are, the Diaz brothers. Welcome. Have a seat. I'm excited about tonight. We have done two Kill Tonys the last two nights. We sold out Austin, Texas at Moon Tower Comedy Festival.

We actually have Moon Tower Comedy Festival now because we stole it, so it's ours now. We have that, yes. If you don't know, Jeremiah Watkins, a band member of the Kill Tony band, got attacked by a guy on mushrooms in Austin, Texas, and stood his ground, continued to roast him

while getting attacked, and stole the entire show. It was amazing. We also sold out Houston, Texas last night. Two shows. Yeah. Unbelievable blast. Thank you to Houston and Austin.

And we are back home. And we are also going to announce that we're doing Skank Fest. Yeah. Skank Fest. New York City Legion of Skanks. It's already sold out, but we're just letting you know that we're going to be there and you're not. So, ha ha. All right. Let's do it. Guess but we're just letting you know that we're going to be there, and you're not, so ha-ha. All right, let's do it.

Guess? Wait, look who's back. Oh, my God, that's right. I almost fucking forgot. Look, we have a house artist, everybody. It's Ryan J. E. Belt. He's drawing tonight's episode. He drew the brand-new Kill Tony poster that's for sale at ryanjebelt.com.

I have it framed in my living room. ryanjebelt.com for all the prints. he draws every single episode while you sit there doing nothing. This man's already hard at work. I'm going to bring up tonight's guests. Okay? Who loves great comedians, huh? Huh? Who loves the Comedy Store?

Huh? I know I do. These are two guys that were built right here. Two of literally the funniest comedians in the world. Both returning guests. Put your hands together. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Steve Ranazzisi and Steve Simone. Fuck yeah.

Comedy store beast. Welcome back, gentlemen. Hello. My two Steves. It's Christmas Steve. Fuck yeah, man. Welcome, my two Steves. It's Christmas Steve. Fuck yeah, man. Welcome, welcome. Is this thing on?

Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I'm excited. We have Steve Simone, the nicest guy in comedy you're going to see here tonight. This is going to be rough for you to make fun of people tonight. I won't, man. I'll say nice, funny stuff, I guess.

You're going to be fun. Welcome back to the show Super excited You guys are the fucking best Hear me this now Hear me this book Hear me this now Hear me this book

My podcast Good times with Steve Simone So much fun What do you do on yours? Pick a book I don't read books But I need people to read them for me You killed it when you were on there. So much fun. What do you do on yours? Pick a book. You come on. You talk about it. I don't read books.

Yeah. But I need people to read them for me and just tell me about them a little bit so you can answer questions at a dinner conversation. Oh, you read The Hike? Oh, of course. Everyone's read The Hike. It's about a path and you've got to give it a little information. I've never wanted to do a podcast less in my life than yours. I'm telling you right now.

I have to read a book for this? You've read a book in your life, haven't you? Not one book. Finished a whole one? A whole book. I end up looking up the rest on the CliffsNotes on the internet. CliffsNotes? Yeah.

The CliffsNotes? CliffsNotes. You've read a book. Everybody poops. Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing. Super fudge. You've read a book. Everybody poops. Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing. Super fudge. You've read a book, right? It's about the last two.

How many people in this room have read a book in their lives? From beginning to end, we've all read books. How many of you have finished a book? Okay, liars. How many of you keep clapping if you've hit a hole in one in your life on a golf course? See, there's liars. Did you hear the claps? Fucking liars. Putt-putt players over here.

You guys ready to meet the band? Who loves the band? I know I do. The fucking greatest band in all of comedy. Put your hands together for the Kill Tony band. It's Reagan, Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. Motherfucking Joelberg. Here they are.

They do a different intro every week. Oh, wow. Oh, it's like a... Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Super model...

What's that? Runway models, huh? huh hey jeremiah where'd you get that shirt at frankenoak.com where did you get that cool shirt joel at frankenoak.com wow that's pretty dank want cool clothes like us go to frankenoak.com invite slash reagan Watkins. By clicking this link, you will get $30 off your first month, and Reagan & Watkins will get $15 store credit for every sign-up. Titties! This intro brought to you by frankenoak.com. Okay.

Well, it looks like the band has a new sponsor. frankenoak.com. I love it. How you doing, Jeremiah? Fresh off an amazing weekend in Austin and Houston. Yeah. You know, still ice in my shoulder from the incident. But things are good.

Things are good. He got attacked while holding a saxophone. It's amazing. It's one of the greatest moments ever. Were you scared? Your first comedian, a midget. I had so much adrenaline going through my body because

Big Jay Oakerson was right next to me and Dom and Sal and Tony and Red Band that I was like, I can handle anything right now. I was more concerned that my sax anything right now, which I probably, like I was more concerned that my sax was going to get damaged than my face. If Dom Irera pushed you out of the way and beat that guy up,

you should kill yourself. You were really close to him, though. Like we were kind of like behind a table, and you were like right next to him, and he kept on like unplugging your mic cable. He ripped my cable out. Twice. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I can't believe he would do that. You put up with a lot.

You never touch a sax player's cable. And then there was an after party for Moon Tower, the last party of the whole thing and he got kicked out of there immediately. I guess the police were following him. Anyway, enough about that guy. Let's talk about tonight's show.

You guys want to have some fun? That guy was an asshole. I don't even want to give him any more attention. It was Jeremiah that stole the show. You guys know how it works, or maybe you don't. How many people is this your first time seeing or hearing this show? Okay, a lot of them. Make some noise if you know what the fuck's going on here tonight.

Wow, that's so cool. I love that. People get pulled out of the bucket. You get 60 seconds. If you signed up for the show and I say your name, you come up here, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Oh, yeah, that means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You don't want to do that because that's annoying, right?

You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Here we go. So many names in the bucket. Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for Casey Stoddard, ladies and gentlemen. Alright. Alright. Let's see.

My little sister just came out of the closet. She's a lesbian. And I'm proud of her. But I feel like I should have known. Like I remember whenever we played rock, paper, scissors, she was always too busy eating pussy. Never murder a janitor, folks. Never murder a janitor.

Too many key witnesses. This next impression is the optometrist finger-banging his wife. This is the eye doctor finger-banging his wife. Better one or two? One or two? Let's see. If you had hooks for hands, you wouldn't be able to do air quotes because it would look like everything you're saying is a question.

You could turn one hook upside down and it would look like you know how to speak Spanish. Yeah. Thank you. Casey Stoddard. How long have you been on stand-up, Casey? Started when I was 19, but it's got a little more serious. Now you're 73.

How old are you now? We need a frame of reference, right? 27. 27. Yeah. Where'd you start at? Grand Rapids, Michigan. Dr. Grins.

Yes. First place I ever did comedy. Fuck yeah, man. And your dad, Daniel Day-Lewis, told you to go and chase your dreams. What? Yes, exactly. What do you do for work? I put subtitles on stuff. Whoa. Really?

What kind of stuff? Really bad TV shows for the CW. Who are you to judge? I have to watch them. You're terrible. You seem like somebody that has the energy of somebody that would do subtitles. The CW. Is that the channel with the frog?

Formerly. It used to be the WB, right? I think so, right? There it is. The sound effect of the CW. They have the flash now. It's pretty dope. Yeah, I do that sometimes.

You do the subtitles for Flash? Yeah, sometimes. So you have to listen and type and then decide when exactly that appears? Usually we get a script, but if we don't, then I have to type. Is that why you have so much writing on your shirt? Yes. No. Are you like a wordsmith?

No, this is my... Are you a fast typer? No. No. Yeah, I don't know. Are you like a word smith? No, this is my... Are you a fast typer? No. No. Yeah, I don't know. Are you a black smith? No, I'm not. Are you any kind of smith? No. Are you having a good time? No. No.

You have a nice tuchus. Oh, thank you. That's all I'm staring at from behind here. I've got a pretty bad secret. Imagine what that tuchus. Oh, thank you. Thank you. That's all I'm staring at from behind here. I've got a pretty bad secret. Imagine what that tuchus would look like in Frank and Oak jeans. True that. True that. FrankandOak.com.

Casey, you seem so bored right now. I'm just tired. What do you like to do for fun when you're not doing comedy? Lullabies. Watch. Watch stuff. write, read, drink. Watch paint dry. Yeah. Oh, you like to read?

Yeah. Oh, Steve Ranazzisi has a new book. What are your favorite books? You've read a whole book before? Yeah, I've read a whole book. Yeah, see, one for one. We'll take a poll. What's your favorite?

If you had to pick one, if you were going to be on my podcast, which would be your choice? Sound of the Fury. By? William Faulkner. I love how it which would be your choice? Sound of the Fury. By? William Faulkner. I love how it's like, I didn't even know the book. Do I give a shit who you could have made up whoever it was by? I don't know. Is it good?

I like it. You love it? Yeah. What's the most illegal thing you've ever done? I don't know. Trespassing? Trespassing? Would you trespass?

I don't know. I was just drunk and we wandered into a building. What'd you do in that building? Broke some stuff. What did you break? Yeah. Do you remember? Like lamps?

No, it was just like... I think breaking and entering is your worst crime. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Ha ha ha. Yeah. Trespassing. Hearts?

Yeah. I like your beard, man. That's a fucking... Thank you. You almost seem like you got nervous about that like it happened

very recently no it was a while ago what kind of building was it like it was just an abandoned building down like in Michigan

what kind of stuff were you breaking inside of an abandoned building just like windows and stuff human beings seems like

that's the vibe you're coming off very low key but I'm also picking up in pain. It's rage. Oh, no. No, I was just...

Right? Like, you're one of those guys that's just like, you just snapped somebody's neck for life. My friends were all like, let's go in here. I was like, I guess I'll follow. What does make you angry? Cursive. Bad enunciation.

Japanese. No, I don't know. Not much. What's your least favorite race? Here we go. All right. I feel like I'm dreaming. Yeah.

Started at 19 in Michigan. Yeah. Rough neighborhood? No. Very Christian conservative neighborhood Can you do me a favor Casey When this podcast comes out And the video for it comes out

Can you put subtitles of funnier stuff happening Underneath it To overplace this entire part of this show I'll try There he goes Casey Stoddard everybody You met him here first on Kill Tony Casey underscore Stoddard On Twitter That's Casey Stoddard, everybody. You met him here first on Kill Tony. Casey underscore Stoddard on Twitter. That's Casey Stoddard.

Getting the party stoddard. That's his last name. I feel like I'm on muscle relaxers now or something. It was real easy listening. It was very mellow. He turned that sativa I smoked into an indica immediately. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Justin Fleming.

Here he comes. Oh, jeez. Howdy, how are you? Fucking cool? All right. If you have a family member or maybe a personal friend who gets released from prison to celebrate, don't take them to an escape room.

Things get real rapey real fucking quickly. Give us a shout out if you used to get a spoon when you were a little kid. No? Everyone well behaved well that just fucks that one i mean my uncle used to sneak into my room make me watch ghost my brother had it worse he used to have to stand in the corner with a wet mop on his head and pretend to be Whoopi Goldberg. It's fucking terrible. Just like this set. So a penis walked into a vagina and said,

do you come here often? Yeah, I'm just digging deep here. Justin Fleming, everybody. Wow. In the history of the world, I'm pretty sure it's the first time Australia's ever bombed. I always thought you guys

were one of the more neutral countries, right? Are you on mushrooms? I'm pretty fucking high right now. Oh, okay. You are? You got stoned before this? What's your deal? What part of Australia are you from? Melbourne.

Melbourne. Yeah. That's fun. Dude, I liked how he called it a giner. What would you have said had the crowd gone crazy of getting the spoon as a kid? You're talking about like getting spanked by a wooden spoon or something like that? Yeah. In Australia, that must be much more common if it's just called getting the spoon. You're talking about getting spanked by a wooden spoon or something like that? In Australia, that must be

much more common if it's just called getting the spoon. You're like, really? Nobody? Well, that just fucked up everything. Everyone gets fucking hit with a wooden spoon. I wish you explained a little bit more about you and your uncle watching Ghost together. Forget

your brother in the corner with the mop on his head, which wouldn't even make sense because she has black grades. But why Ghost? And what happened? That's a long movie. We just got that movie in Australia. Yeah, that's good. Ghost just came out in theaters.

Still number one. Justin. Have you seen Theodore Rex? What? A really obscure Wolfie Goldberg movie. I know. What? The really obscure will be Goldberg. I know. What? How long have you been doing stand-up, Justin?

A few years now. A few years. You perform at the Comics Lounge? Regularly. That's my home ground. Yeah. It's a great club. It's the best.

It's all pink on the inside. Justin, what do you do for work in australia you seem like if you were american and you didn't have an australian accent you would be a shady fucking white guy yeah exactly a what math dealer you'd be a bad human being is that pretty much what it is in australia i just get hot i just work at the comics lounge and get high oh that's cool yeah just do gigs what do you do there? Fix shit. Whatever. I just fix shit. What? You fix shit? You're the Yakov Smirnoff?

Look for things that are bright and go do it and then wait around for the gigs and then do the gigs and I basically live there. Have you ever tried to fix yourself? No. A fun fact.

Me, Steve Simone, and Steve Ranazzisi all for years worked here at the Comedy Store. Actual employees. We broke a lot of shit. We didn't fix anything. And what happened to us is not going to happen to you.

The whole career thing, the success, the momentum. I'm just kidding, Justin. I just wanted to be mean for a second. Please don't hurt me. What's the most illegal thing you've ever done? Ah, fuck. I've done so much. Come on. Throw us some good ones. I went to a reform

school. I've done drugs. You got the spin. Breaking into shit. Smash shit. Cars. Before you went to reform school or after? Yeah, this was during. As a kid? Yeah. Part of the program? And during. Yeah. Oh, you end up learning more shit when you go to a school like that.

You hang around better kids. More fun shit. You ever stole anything? We used to break into phone boxes. Yeah, we used to make a lot of money. Did you ever throw a hot dog truck at a fucking guy and then smash the sleepers? Have you done that? Sleepers?

Braun Strowman or something. Justin, what do you do when you're not fixing shit at the comedy club and doing stand-up? I get high. You must get high a lot. That's all I do. When you were there the first time with Joe,

I brought weed down for you we were smoking in the green room that's where they just go go back out the back and say oh I do remember you now I was like who the fuck is this guy

and it was you yeah and it turns out you're the maintenance man to this day I didn't know what the fuck you were doing in that green room

it was incredible now it all makes sense I mean this is a live show anyway Justin when you saw this sword, were you like, now that's a knife? Yeah, well and dead. Very well and dead knife. Can we get subtitles for that?

I didn't catch that at all. Justin, can I ask you a legit question? Yes. Would you give the spoon to your kids? Do you think it worked? I'm all right now, but now. Please tell me you don't have kids. I don't have kids.

I don't want them fucking. Yeah, they're going to be fucked. They'd be living at the fucking comedy zone or wherever the hell you live. Yeah. And heavy metal fucking weed and comedy and that. It's best that you don't procreate. Heavy metal. There's no H how you said that right now.

Heavy metal. Heavy. Begins with an E to me. Heavy metal. This is a comedy show, right? Yeah. Oh, shit. Wow.

Pat Reagan coming in from fucking. Excuse us. Incinerating. What's your favorite category of porn? Wallabies Do you have a laptop? Yeah What's your favorite category of porn?

Porn Be honest Anything filthy I've seen it I used to do porn in Australia You did? Whoa Way to marry the lead.

Wow. Cockadile Dundee over here. This is a cold audience. Cold. Cockadile Dundee, that's what that gets? What was your specialty? What was your thing? What were you known for?

Fucking ugly Australian women. You were the JV team? They brought you in? What was your porn name you in. Don't. Yeah. What was your porn name? Mr. Kangaroo. I'll do anything.

I got the drives real bad now. Mitch Comstein. Mitch Comstein? Caddyshack? You made yourself Jewish? From Caddyshack. My favorite movie. Not even Steve Jerkwin?

Look at the drives. That's my favorite movie. I thought fucking Mitch Cullen. Then when they saw the foreskin, they'd be like, what the fuck? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got some heavy foreskin? Not a lot, but. How much we talking here?

Like if you went to the deli. Maybe eight quarters. You could fit in. How much? Eight quarters. Eight quarters? Eight quarters. Eight quarters? Anybody convert the metric system of foreskin?

Anybody specialize in that out there? Like your quarters. Wait a second. What? Who sticks their quarters in their dead hole, man? Australians do it. What? I haven't done it before.

You are not a good representation of the land down under. You guys put coins on the tip of your dick and you have foreskin because you're animals. at 40 clubs and shit. No, not one. Heaps of weird shit. Eight quarters. Eight quarters.

Two dollars worth of probably. Yeah, so dude. Quarters. On your dick. My old club could stick like fucking like five bucks worth of coins

and a Luke Skywalker apparently. Fuck. Wow. No shit. It's the first time I've ever almost puked on this show before. No wonder your mother hit you with a spoon you fucking animal. It's the first time I've ever almost puked on this show before.

No wonder your mother hit you with a spoon, you fucking animal. That's probably what started it. I have a dick that holds three spoons, actually. What's one of the movies that you were in called? Do you ever go to the Crocodile Country? Aussie Good Girls Gone Bad. Aussie Good Girls Gone Bad? Yeah.

They were actually made for here. They were made for America? For L.A., yeah. Oh, yeah, that's what we want. You might phone them up, Troy. Do you ever use your...

Oh, please. Their V.I. No, it's Aussie. Do you ever use your dick as a coin purse? He put Aussie, like Aussie Osborne. Aussie Good Girls Gone Bad.

Oh, I said Aussie. Or one of those things that an arcade... Mr. Crowley! Wham, wham, wham. Those arcade dispensers, you just, like, Pez dispensers, just pop them off. You got it making change.

Two dollars. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Do you ever park at a meter and you're like, oh, I gotta go back to my car. Wait a second. Boom. It'd be, uh, Tony, it'd be weird if this guy worked at an arcade. If there is a god in this world right now, please tell me that you just found this motherfucker doing porn. Oh, no.

It's fucking hideous. No, it's a lesbian one. Oh, God. There's one with a pregnant woman on the cover. Yeah, that was fucked when I got home and saw that. Do you have any kids? No. Thanks.

We have. If you had to guess how many abortions you've caused, how many would you guess? Two. You just gave the peace sign. It looks like he had the number. One, two. He just threw it out like a catcher does when he's signaling to a pitcher.

Maybe five, actually. Whether they'll tell him the truth or not. Which is worth three in America. What's the worst STD you've had? Crabs. I got away without anything. Not even a little cream in the... Crabs. I got away without... Nothing? Not even a little cream in the... Older is fucking used.

Crabs when I was 17. Yeah, we all have that. What? Seven or eight? 17. Oh. I think you said seven or eight. Did anyone else think that too?

It was a chicken and caravans. Your mom should have done more with a wooden spoon. She shoved it up your fucking ass. It was a girl and a caravan. Shouldn't have gone there anyway. What was that like having crabs? Where'd you get the crabs? Outback Steakhouse? Is that your dick going in there?

Nah. Jesus Christ. That's not the point. It's not to find his dick. You want to find his face you buffoon. Is this your car? She's too good looking. What about this dick? Wait, he just

shot a load. Three dollars, everybody. Redman, you're such a buffoon. You truly... Classic buffoonery. If you were to do porn with the quarters on your dick, you'd be the first guy to literally do a money shot. A true money shot at the end of a porn.

What is up with this crowd tonight? I don't know what the fuck happened. Good Lord, there's just no beats with you guys. What is this, like a Syrian night? Yeah, was this a serious night? Yeah. You guys in from the Armenian march? Was this a Syrian store?

Nothing. Those Armenians did their march today. Powerful. I blame you, man. Right here. If you didn't bring up that wooden spoon shit, everyone would have had a fucking better time tonight. Yeah, I'm sorry.

You can all hit me with a wooden spoon on the way out. Justin, what's your least favorite race? I'm cool with everyone. I grew up in a Vietnamese suburb with fucking everyone. So it's them. There's no one. No, multicultural as fuck. So we get along with everyone.

Australians, actually, they shit me. When I'm overseas, they talk like fuckers. Are you here on like a, are you like sneaking out like a work visa? On a holiday? No, just on holiday for a couple of months. Just checking shit out. Couple months? Yeah.

Couple months. Must be nice. A man of leisure. No, I'm fucking broke. I'm the quarter guy at the arcade. Now I'm back on the quarters pulling a man in my dick. Well, Justin, I have really good news for you. A light bulb needs fixed in the back of the room.

And you're the only guy that can do it. It was nice to meet you, Justin. There he goes. At the Comedy Store on Sunset. All the way from another fucking hemisphere. Justin Fleming. He's on Twitter at TheFlemo. At what?

TheFlemo. F-L-E-M-O. F-L-E-M-O? Yeah. And if anyone finds one of his videos, please tweet it to one of us. Yeah. Please look. Again, that's under Ozzy. Ozzy. All right.

This looks like a new name. You guys having fun out there? I hear this first row, but it feels like there's nothing behind it tonight. It's very bizarre. Trying to put your hands together for Mikey Milios. I don't know. I like that song. I forgot about that.

I've been listening to this song forever. I've got to remember to get that. Hello. Hi, I'm Mikey. I'm from Australia. I just moved here six months ago. I have a therapist because it was in my lease agreement. And she's pretty cool.

Her office is right across the road from Shake Shack, which is handy. Because I only get to see her for like an hour, but then I can go spend all the time I need at Shake Shack. You know, it's not true. There's only so long that they'll let you cry into your fries. You know, hi, welcome to Shake Shack. What can I get you? There's only so long that they'll let you cry into your fries. Hi, welcome to Shake Shack. What can I get you? Do you guys have a dad who loved you? Or a mom who wasn't a petulant child always looking for validation?

No? Well, I guess I'll have seven Shackburgers then. Is this too sad for you guys? I lost my virginity when I was 13 to a prostitute. It wasn't my choice. Oh, shit. Mikey Milius. Wow. This was another Australian bombing.

Yeah. It was sort of incredible. What did we do to you guys? What the fuck, man? It's payback for World War II. I don't know what that is. Perfect. Nailed it.

Topical reference. Now you're saving it. Now you're pulling out of the tailspin. Pine gap. Good thing I didn't use up all my Australian digs on the fucking last guy. What was your porn name? Eric Banana Hammock? Australian Dracula?

Cumstein Juicestein. You've got to have something more interesting. We have a weird Jew fetish in Australia. Are you saying Jew fetish? Yeah, Jew. I was referencing the other guy. Fuck. Hey, it's Mikey Milios. You do have like a party name.

You ever DJ? No. No? What do you do for fun? Just hang out back. Try not to kill myself. Try not to what? Try not to kill myself. Oh boy to what? Try not to kill myself.

Oh, boy. This is not a good place for you to be right now. No, it's not, is it? Do you have a job? What do you do during the day? No, I don't have a job. A few years ago, I managed to convince my parents to give me my inheritance. Oh, fuck.

Wow, you're the biggest douchebag ever. Wow. How old are you? It's the best way to do it. What? I'm 36. 46 douchebag ever. Wow. How old are you? 36. 46? No, 36. 36. Wow, I love how mad you got at me for that 10-year difference.

It sounded like 40 to me. Is that shit gone, by the way, that inheritance? Is it gone already? No. Is it a lot? Your dad's very wealthy? Do you want to start hanging out? It's perpetual.

Say that again? Oh, perpetual. Yeah, it's like it start hanging out? It's perpetual. Say that again? Oh, perpetual. Yeah, it's like it never runs out. It never ends. What type of business was your father into? I can't talk about it.

Really? No, I can't. It's just construction work. I don't know. It's like stuff. He's good at things. I don't know. I'm not obviously...

Yes. That's exactly what the fuck's going on. It's Mikey Milius. He thinks he's funny. Where you're from, everybody just has to laugh at you or else they get whacked. You're so funny, Mikey. Here, everybody's just like, what the fuck? Oh, Mikey, you having fun?

No. Why are you so sad? Have you ever got medication or anything for that? No, I think a lot about things. I don't know. I'll tell you, it would fuck with me. If I knew that I had this shit ton never-ending amount of money and none of it was from anything that I ever fucking accomplished at all whatsoever in any way,

that would fucking eat me alive. Yeah, it does. It's stressful. I guess that leads me to my question instead of just making you feel terrible is this. What are some small term goals and things that you can accomplish other than literally the hardest

job in the world? How long have you been on stand-up? I don't want to talk about that. What? I literally like I put my name in these fucking buckets and then just pray the whole time don't call it a fucking bucket because it didn't go good for you buddy

fucking bucket fucking bucket fuck this bucket my god oh this is the best set I've had I just end up getting stomped De Niro style can you guys come to all my spots and just heckle me? Yeah, totally.

All right, cool. Yeah, which one? Your dad's going to have to pay us too, though. I'll pay you. Your dad's going to have to pay us a lot. What do you do for fun? Can you talk about that? Strip clubs?

No, I don't do strip clubs. I'm dating a lot. I guess that's fun. I don't know. I read. I don't do strip clubs. I'm dating a lot. I guess that's fun. I don't know. I read. I don't really read. You have a never-ending amount of money. Can you give me a description of what a date with Mikey Milius?

How does it start? Go to the Olive Garden. No, I'm just trying to become more aware of myself. Everything I do is about trying to learn about who I am as a person. I mean, it sounds really boring. but it's just self-awareness. Mikey, I'm with you, bro. You're killing it. My question is, what does a date like?

Do you have a car? Do you pick them up on a date? I'm just curious how this goes. No, usually you date, right? Who picks up people on a date? You meet them online, like you meet them online and you meet them at a place who's going to someone's house

where do you live I want to pick you up for a date does that fly does that work for you where do you meet them at a restaurant or a bar the morgue the morgue yeah wherever like I usually let them pick where they want to go

and we go there I don't know what the triangle is but I love it seems to make sense do you live here or in Australia I live here you call that living Joel Berg

oh listen to that they want it what is your favorite category of porn Joel Berg. Oh, listen to that. They want it. I'm interested. What is your favorite category of porn? Porn. It's all depressing. I don't like watching porn.

It makes me sad. Oh, it sounds like somebody has daddy issues. No, it's like I like porn that looks realistic, like the girl hasn't been forced into doing porn for money or some shit. Whoa, they have a lot of porn that's not forced into porn. I mean, like, it's like... You like it when it's forced or unforced? Not unforced. I don't quite hear you.

I guess I like amateur porn, I guess. You don't like it if a girl's like, you know, please, please, please, daddy, please give me my inheritance early? Like that? No, no. What if she's getting tricked? Too getting tricked I'll give you your inheritance here comes a deposit yeah that's what I do I just watch that

it's a direct deposit now don't tell anybody this is what I call perpetual I'm into that kind too it's a good porn genre. A lot of people tonight seem like they're victims and they seem like

they didn't sign up themselves but they were signed up by people that hate them. I just threw my name in a bucket. The bucket threw out my name and that's it. Here I am. I don't know why I put my name into the buckets all the time and then just sit there praying I don't get drawn. You have a dream, man.

You're on a show right now. If you treated it like you were having fun, then you'd be having fun. You seem like you're running for president. I'm having a lot of fun. You're trying to get the right answers. I'm having the time of my life. This is the most fun I've ever had in my life.

I'm going to kill myself after this. It doesn't get better. Don't say that. Stop it. Stop it. I don't want to be a part of this. Stop it. You will not kill yourself.

You will not kill yourself. Until you check in with my lawyer and put me as the recipient of your perpetual. True. You should at least donate some of that to the podcast, if nothing else. Do you choke yourself when you masturbate? No. Also a question from the other side. It's a rich person thing to do.

Yeah, I don't. Have you tried it? Not bad. I do jujitsu. I mean, I don't masturbate during jujitsu. That's a different thing. Do you masturbate while choking yourself? No, but I do jujitsu.

No. Daddy pays for me to be jerked off while I wrestle. There he goes. The Australian, back to back. Mikey Melios, everybody. Fun times, Mikey. Make some noise for Mikey one more time, everybody. Come on.

Just make sure I don't get rear naked choked as he leaves. We have to find somebody that's happy. It is interesting, right? I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what goes on here. Rob Smallwood, everybody. Rob Smallwood. Everybody. Rob Smallwood. Here he comes.

Come on. Make some noise for Rob, everybody. Here we go. Fuck. I was asleep in the back. The other day, I'm in West Hollywood. I'm at the donut shop. I see these middle school kids talking. The one leans over to the other, and he's like, yo, bro, real quick, would you suck a dick for a million dollars? I instantly got pissed off because that's an adult question.

That kid doesn't know. He doesn't know what rent's like. He doesn't know what missing a car payment's like and the other thing that bothered me is like that's the worst way to come out you know it's because every kid every guy in your middle school or high school that said to you you know would you suck a dick for a million dollars is gay as shit now like that's and real. What's one dick for financial security? Give you guys an example. On the way over here, I saw a homeless guy with a Yale sweater on.

Student loans are a bitch. Tell me he wouldn't suck that magic dick, though. This isn't going well. There we go. Holy shit. Rob Smallwood. I thought it was going well. There we go. Holy shit. Rob Smallwood. I thought it was going well. For what's been happening tonight.

That was basically fucking Richard Pryor. Great. Great. Rob, first of all, let me tell you, I love you as Gerard Carmichael's brother on the Carmichael show. I love that. It's an honor that you still sign up for a show like this. It's so dope. It's so dope.

I need that money, though. So, you know, if we could get... Yeah. Great. Awesome. How many quarters do you think you can... I feel like you're going to say... What's up?

No, no, no. I got to... You have to look. I thought you did okay. Thank you. I really... Thank you. You thought you were crapping yourself at the end.

Yeah. But, no, no. It was going fine. You have good confidence. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I should have did better. I mean, more energy than anything we've seen so far.

That's why I was asleep in the back. You looked comfortable. How low would you go in the price to suck a dick? How low? Yeah, what would your lowest price be? Here's the thing. Realistically. What nobody really thinks about is you don't know where you're going to be in your lifetime.

You know what I'm saying? You don't know what you're going to be going through. Back to the comedy store. Right now, how much would it cost? Wow. How much would it cost? It's happening. It's happening.

What's the number? What's my number? Make a deal. Right now, I need more than a million. I got a job now. I wrote that when I lost my job. So I was kind of thinking, what would I do? Now, your last name would i do you know so now your last name

what do you have a five hundred thousand dollar your job you're like well now i'm fine but no i'm just saying but like when you lose your job you go through an immediate like what the how am i gonna pay this million now yeah i need something i need something you know that's all of us you should pace yourself but options you need you know we're fine where'd you lose your job at like the abbey or wait what where'd you lose your job at like the we've had this conversation two weeks ago i don't get what was it it's sony that's right it's sony yeah your last name is smallwood doesn't feel like but you're black uh yeah does that do where does that come from do you know did you like, why are we the Smallwoods?

Listen, Smallwood is clearly a slave game. I guess what I'm asking is how many quarters can you fit in your extra foreskin? That's a good question. That is a good question. None. How many hundreds? I'm circumcised. Oh, okay.

No Pac-Man for you. No. It's an arcade game, you fucks. So now what? You've been out of a job for two weeks. What was it? Two weeks? Yeah.

I'm on a contract now. I'm on a contract job. Is the contract perpetual? I wish. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing to call back. I contracted gonorrhea.

What the fuck's going on tonight? You been dating, Rob? We went through this last time. No, I haven't been dating. Again, the last time doesn't matter. Just pretend like not everybody's seen the show. Yeah, I guess that's true. No, I'm not dating.

I am, you know, I'm fucking if anybody's interested, though. I don't think anybody's interested. It's a real nice offer, man. It's a real good offer. I thought it was. Yeah. Solid. Nobody bit, but that's cool.

No, they didn't. You work out, Rob? You go to the gym? Yeah. What do you do at the gym? Well, standard lift. Rinse, repeat. Standard lift.

Standard lift. Lift weights, put shit down. You know, I lift. I Uber, you know. How long have you been on stand-up? Five years. Wow. You look comfortable, man.

Almost as comfortable as these jeans from frankenoak.com. They are comfortable. Well, you got up a couple weeks ago. You had a fun set. Let's keep it moving. Rob Smallwood, right? Rob Smallwood, everybody. He's on Twitter at Robbie, R-O-B-B-Y underscore Smalls.

I thought that was fun. Well, at least we're 50% Americans now. God. My goodness. Those Australians. God, yeah. What the fuck? Steve Simone just said, pick a good one.

Like it was a booger. I've gotten to the point now to where I can tell by the texture of the paper. Hopefully they'll call Larry King. I literally just pulled a good one. I know who this is. He's actually one of the funniest guys that ever gets pulled out of this bucket. Put your hands together for Mikey McKernan, ladies and gentlemen. It worked. It worked.

It's like in Vegas. Thank you. Thank you. Give it up for my friends who said they were going to watch me bomb tonight, you guys. They said they were going to be here, but you can't spell flake without L.A. Boo. Ha. Ha. Anybody here give weed to homeless people? Don't do that. Stop. That's fucked you're just making them more hungry later that's why you give them an edible two birds one stone homeless guy

I just got a Jesus audition you guys I didn't get it but I forgave them. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. You deserve a hug. One more time for all the comedians you guys didn't laugh at. Mikey McKernan. Killing it.

Mikey McKernan. Killing it. Goddamn Stone Cold Assassin. Dude, these comics is the main room. You guys got to do well. God damn it. Sorry. You're on a commercial, right, that's running nonstop, and you're in the back seat. I was trying to get your face.

Geico. Yes. Congratulations. I'm off the artistic roll call according to Bill Hicks. Oh, you are? Yeah. It's an old joke. Really old.

Geico. Ooh. Geico. Double A. MCO. So, Mikey, life is good? You have commercial money? Not yet.

It aired two weeks ago, so I got to stop going to open mics because everybody wants me to buy their one item now. So it's going to happen. I already know. And if they do it, though, I'm like, okay, every time you get the light, I'm going to go up there and just go. I'm always so jealous of the audience when you do that shit because we never get to see it. Can you do it to us? I can do it to them again. Should I do another one?

Another boo-ha? The Jesus one, yeah. I can't. You can only do it once. Every time my friends come up to me, they go, or they go, Fuck it up. Every time my friends come up to me, they go,

You feel me? I feel them. Boo-ha-hug. Every time our friends come up to me They go, you feel me? I feel them Boo Ha Hug Steve Renazzisi just got raped For you podcast listeners out there You are freakishly They're usually never this close

Freakishly hilarious How long have you been doing stand-up? Nine years Nine years Yeah, I should be better Where are you from? Rancho Cucamonga, California And you've been doing it all

In between like here and there pretty much Mostly in Los you've been doing it all in between here and there, pretty much. Mostly in Los Angeles. I started doing it out here, which was a mistake, but now it's hopefully getting me out of Los Angeles. Hey, I have a question. Did somebody cut a beefy one? It smells up here. Fucking nailed it.

He's talented. For those of you that are listening to the scratch and sniff version of this podcast, is it really smell over there? Mikey, you have a no shower thing or something? No, I showered today, actually. Mikey smells great. Mikey runs a show at the Universal Bar and Grill

called Turbo Tuesday. It's the first place that ever booked me five years ago. Him and Robert Turrell, they're good guys. Terrific shitty bar show. I tell comics. You have comics that when you tell them that they go, no, I don't want to. I don't want to come to that. Then you got some who are like, yeah, every Tuesday

I'll be there. When's the last time you came? I'm going to turn you down every week. When's the last time you came? Last night. Bah. Huh. Is that what you do when you come yeah I know that's why I lost the first one

you have a girlfriend yeah four years four years she's turned 29 at midnight you're probably like the best boyfriend ever right she is obsessed. She's great, though.

She's funny, but, you know, she doesn't do funny, but she's funny. What's she do? She's going to UCLA to do anthropology. Wow. 18? 18? No, I just said she's going to turn 29 at midnight. It's okay.

Sorry. He's back door and her birthday is tomorrow. Did you get a new laptop? No. Okay, Mikey, over here. What's your living situation? You live with her? No, we do not.

She lives over there. You live with a bunch of comedians or something? No, I don't. I live with some Cal-artians. What? They went to Cal Arts, so they call themselves Cal-artsh-ians. What? They went to Cal-Arts, so they call themselves Cal-Arsh-ians. Awesome!

Oh, you're still up there in Rancho Cucamonga? No, Toluca Lake. Paddy's all day. Oh yeah, Patricia's we call it, because, you know, we're funny. Hey, I would like to have a Death Squad show Saturday. I would love to have you on it.

Fuck yeah, I would love to have you on that. Hollywood Improv. Boom. Catch him at the Hollywood Improv. Thank you, guys. Killed it. Mikey McKernan. Shout out to the listeners. I appreciate the followers.

Good night. The listeners love you, Mikey. It's Mikey McKernan. M-I-K-E-Y-M-C-K-E-R-N-A-N. Make some noise for Mikey. He kills every time he's on the show. You hateful, hateful, hateful Monday night audience.

Ooh la la. Let's see what happens now. Oh boy. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This is a guy that has been on the show a couple times and is always very a polarizing figure

is what I would call him. Donald Trump! Ladies and gentlemen, what do you... Okay, dude, I mean, put your hands together for Mystery Dan. I don't know, I can only... Here he is, Mystery Dan.

Thank you. I'm a patriot. So whenever Uncle Sam flexes his military muscle, my dick comes to attention. Nothing gets me hotter than firepower. We just fired 59 missiles in Syria and dropped our largest non-nuclear weapon in Afghanistan. I haven't been this excited since shock and awe. Although for me it was more like shock, awe, and shoot.

This bomb in Afghanistan, they call it a MOAB. That's short for Massive Ordnance Air Blast, or mother of all bombs. This thing is set to explode in the air and kill absolutely everything in the blast zone. That's what I call a surgical strike. Baby's got 21,000 pounds of explosives. That's ten and a half tons of American justice. I'm sorry, I get a little excited just thinking about it. Okay, Mystery Dan, everybody. That's the second time in the show's history in which I've almost puked on the show yet again.

Polarizing is one word for it. Hey, Tony. Fuck, man. It turns out I don't like old guy cum act outs. You learn something new every day. It was polarizing because this table, she literally was like this, and these guys loved it.

They were like, bring it on. It's funny, you said you're a patriot. You do look like their logo a little bit. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. Yeah. Killing it behind the drums. Back to you.

Mystery Dan, what type of coffin do you sleep in? I don't. An upside down one. Ironically, I did have a friend once who invited me over to see his coffin. And I looked at it and I said, this is not a coffin. It's a casket. A coffin has tapered ends. This is a rectangle.

He was so depressed he killed himself. The irony is that they wound up cremating him. What is going on? You guys have this planned out or something? What? You were working on the side with Mystery Dan? We hang out once in a while.

Do you go to his haunted house and hang out with him? Marble Tree House. Mystery Dan, you look like you electrocute yourself to get ready before you go out. You put a sweater vest on before you electrocute yourself or after? It looks like you have pet bats. As a child, in the summer months, my parents would take the family out to

McDonald's and then we'd go to this cemetery across the street to have a picture. And then we'd go to this cemetery across the street to have a picnic. Why do all your friends dying and shit? And then we would get home just in time to watch the bats leave the haunted house next door. Wow. So the laugh's the scariest thing about you. I almost forgot from last time.

Whoa. What do you do? On Halloween, do you give kids candy? No, I go to the West Hollywood Parade every year. Oh, that's right. We found out that one of the mysteries about Mystery Dan that's not a mystery is that he's gay. So if you're wondering how to get that hairstyle,

it's by having a guy behind you yanking on both sides of it continuously. I got this hairstyling tip. Now those are love handles easy rider it works for both blowjobs and reverse cowgirl you got Khaleesi flying a dragon back there hold on tight actually I got my hairstyling

tips from a purple haired lesbian I don't believe it one day I went to the gym and I forgot to use conditioner and I thought it looked horrible I don't. Maybe get a second opinion. What's that? Maybe get a second opinion. A second opinion. No, I just listened to the pepper hair lesbian.

Only that one, when it comes to it, by somehow I like my hair better than a pepper. It was a monster mash. It was a mash. It was a monster mash. It was a mash. Mystery, Dan. Yes? So when you're,

so you go to the West Hollywood Parade and you do things like that, what's your type of, favorite type of guy? If you have like a dream guy, like is it an Asian boy, a black man?

I like cute young guys of all colors. Oh, shit. Bam! You know what keeps me looking cute and young? It's Frank and Oak. Frank and Oak. Frank and Oak.

There's a handsome peach one for you there. Mystery Dan, what do you turn into at midnight? Fabulous. do you turn into at midnight? Fabulous. At midnight? Probably consciousness. You live by yourself? Yes. I feel like your

apartment's scary as fuck. Oh no, it isn't. Is it clean? Newspapers out? What? Newspapers out somewhere? No, it is a work of art. It is a cohesive work of art. Is there red yarn connecting all the pieces of art? What do you collect?

What do you collect? Boys disappeared in Wisconsin. Do you collect anything? Victims. Newspaper clipping. Besides bodies. Oh, that's just my wallpaper. A purple-haired lesbian told me to do it.

He goes by the name Mystery Dan. There you go. No, but I'm very proud of my apartment. It is one cohesive artwork. Tell us more. What do you mean it's one cohesive artwork? It's all made of skin. It all smells like dead bodies.

Are the screens part of the artwork? It's based on Schrodinger's cat. You ever heard of him? No. Okay, let me ask you a different question. What is a daily routine of a guy that looks like you? How does that start? First things first, you wake up like this.

Right? And then what? Then it puts the lotion on its skin. Yeah. But not the conditioner. Not the conditioner, exactly. Only the lotion. Only the lotion. Then you go to work on a symphony.

I haven't used it. So what does a day look like? You wake up. What's the first thing you do? Feed the cat. Whoa, feed the cat. Just when it can't get any creepier. Is it a black cat?

The cat wakes you up? Yeah. What type of dead animal does your cat bring you to wake you up every morning? Whoa. It's a one-way street on the feeding side there. She never brings me anything. I always have to feed her. And then what? You feed the cat.

What are you wearing when you feed the cat? Butt naked. And why do I feel like your pubes have the exact same hairstyle down there? It's just this unbelievable George Washington wig for those of you listening to the podcast. But it's not parted. Not parted.

Oh! Yikes! You brushing those teeth? What? Do you have any time of the day to brush those teeth? I got a real bad view here. So you feed the cat. And then what do you do?

It's real rough. You're going in on that one. You feed the cat. What are you wearing? Then I turn on the news, check my email, see where the open mics are. What news do you watch? I flip between MSNBC, Fox, CNN. Disney Channel.

I'd like to see how different they are. Mystery, Dan. Are all of your outfits already pre-ordered and already on a hanger? I feel like that shirt was already... Zip that thing up in the back? Is that it?

What do you sleep in? How do you sleep? Underwear. Underwear. What kind of underwear do you wear? Tidy whiteys. Oh, so creepy. Shirtless? No, I always keep my shirt on. No matter what? No matter what. Even when you're making love to another man

well then I'll take it off he's a gentleman do you have your foreskin mystery Dan no I wish I did though why do you wish you did but I was not consulted in the matter hey mystery Dan why mystery why mystery Dan my nephews hung that name on me That's what's up. Hey, Mystery Dan. Why Mystery?

Why Mystery Dan? My nephews hung that name on me because I'd never seen them before. And the one time I met them, I gave them a copy of the name Mystery Man. And so thereafter, they referred to me as Mystery Dan, and I just liked the name. So you met a nephew one time, and they called you Mystery Dan. You stuck with it. You walked by a lesbian with purple hair. So you met a nephew one time, and they called you Miss Street, and you stuck with it. You walked by a lesbian with purple hair.

She said, do your hair completely insane. I take good advice when I hear it. And how long have you been giving smallpox blankets to Native American families? What's the most fun thing you've done recently? What's the highlight of your 2017 so far? Other than comedy, like in real life. Yeah, probably going to a night out on Broadway. Downtown, they had all the theaters on Broadway open.

Six, you know, the really ornate old fancy ones. I get into architecture. That's literally the gayest answer I ever could have imagined. And I could have imagined a lot of gay answers with you, but just going to a play. Do you still want us to adopt a child in Africa? Sure, go ahead. Mystery, Dan. Where can people, you don't have a Twitter, where can people find you other than underneath their bed? Mainly Amber Alerts.

What kind of car do you drive? I don't drive. I'm strictly Metro. I quit driving in L.A. about three years ago. I just had it with the pedestrians stepping out in front of me.

You ever get in arguments on the bus or anything like that? A lot of crazy people on the bus. People that look like you. I managed to avoid them. I lot of crazy people on the bus. People that look like you. I managed to avoid them. I've never been stabbed on the bus, though.

How many pedestrians have you killed with your car, though? I've never killed a pedestrian with a car. With the hearse that he drives. All right. Can I just say, Dan, do you remember when I beat you in pool? That's right. He did beat me in pool. Thank you. I just wanted to say that live on a podcast. That you remember when I beat you in pool? That's right. He did beat me in pool.

Thank you. I just wanted to say that live on a podcast. That's it. I beat you in pool. That's it. All right, moving on. Pocket pool. All right, there he goes.

Mystery Dan, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. We interrupt this show for a special news report. A man has just been spotted blowing a whale off the coast of Nova Scotia. At this time, it's unclear whether the whale enjoyed it. Back to you, Tony.

Thank you, Pat. He goes by the name Mystery Dan. This message was brought to you by frankenoak.com At this part of the show we're going to watch the regular. We have one human being that writes and performs a brand new minute

every single week. I'm a huge fan of her. Absolutely phenomenal. Put your hands together for the great Allie Makovsky ladies and gentlemen I was a pretty dumb kid growing up I was pretty dumb

later on in high school I learned what the word illiterate was, and I was like, oh, fuck, I think this is me. I also didn't really understand the concept of veganism. I remember I was in middle school at this time in my life, and I ordered a chicken wrap, and the lady was like, this has lettuce in it. And I was like, wow, I think I'm vegan now. I feel like I eat pretty bad. Like I feel like I've been gaining weight recently, which is pretty scary because I don't think I'm ready to rely on my personality.

rely on my personality. I eat a Chipotle a lot because it's the only place where you can eat a salad with sour cream on top. That's all I'm going to do. Thanks. There you go. Another new minute from Allie Makovsky. I think that illiterate thing is a great premise.

I just think it's maybe a little too long. I think there's almost like a one-liner in there. The illiterate thing. I think it's almost like a one-liner instead where it's sort of like there's a gray. Do you see that gray? This is remnants of mystery, Dan.

There's a little floating gray fucking creepy old man flake. Flaking. Yeah. I haven't used condition essence 1972. and there's a little floating gray fucking creepy old man flake. He's flaking. Yeah. I haven't used condition essence since 1972. Let's start. Yeah, that's not good.

Take a bath in it. You're supposed to use condition. Mystery dandruff. Yeah. I think the illiterate thing is sort of just like, you know, I didn't pay attention in school. I didn't learn what the word illiterate meant is sort of just like, you know, I didn't pay attention in school. I didn't learn what the word illiterate meant until it was already too late. So it's like there's something there.

If you try that in front of an audience that isn't super judgy and weird and already heard three different versions of it by this point, then I think it would get a big laugh. Word. Great set. Working it out. What about your real life? You just went to Coachella. Am I correct? How was that? Was that your first time there? word great set uh working it out what about your real life you just went to coachella am i correct

how was that is that your first time there no i think it was my second or third time there but it was my first time sober oh what shut up um it was fun i went for lady gaga and i weeped and it was so beautiful any drugs drugs? No, I was sober. Wept? I think you wept. Wept. Yeah, I'm stupid. Weeping?

My mom's like, Allie, all comedians are really smart. And I was like, I must not be a comedian then. Because I'm very stupid. You look like a fifth grade skinhead. It's too much hair to be a skinhead, no? I think that's why they're called skinheads. Oh, shit. Fire back. Damn.

Just put Patty in the corner. Nobody puts Patty in the corner. So some highlights of Coachella, other than you just being sober. So I was judging everyone, and it was great because everyone was like there with their significant other. And you could just tell that none of them were going to last. Like this was their last Coachella.

And I was basking in the glory. I was just staring. Okay, so there was this couple that was making out. And keep in mind, it's 100 degrees. No one wants to make out in 100 degree weather. They're going at it. The guy is looking around at other girls. The girl keeps making out with the guy.

I was just like, this is over. I can tell. I was going on for a long time. There's no point, but I can really tell when things aren't going to work. Another interesting premise. The execution of it. It's all good. That is a great premise.

Thank you guys so much for your feedback. Hey, Allie, has anyone said my tea's gone cold? I'm wondering why. Yeah. Thank you for bringing that up. I am Ditto. Isn't that who it is? Ditto? Fuck, I don't know anything. It's alright.

You're still cool. Did your uncle make you watch Ghost 2? See, I said this last time, but... I saw you. Hey, Sam, it was me the whole time. You can do that version, too. Dia Slim. Yeah, Dia Slim.

It was me. Oh, I love the end of that song. Oh, shit. It was me. You just figured that out? We knew the whole fucking time you were saying this stupid song, you idiot. Are those Frank and Oak jeans? I saw one of your tweets that said you only spent $21 in one day at Coachella.

How was that possible? Yeah, I was wrong. It was $112. I miscalculated. Wow. It was like $31, so it was still112. I miscalculated. Wow. I got... It was like $31, so it was still pretty reasonable. Why'd that make you laugh so hard?

Because it was... Are you turning into Mystery Dan right now? Mystery Danielle over here. Because I could have corrected myself and deleted it and started over, but I was like, nah, I'm just going to act like I'm really smart with my money. You have a cool new rock and roll haircut that you just did. Are you thinking about

not using conditioner and letting it go out on the sides? I use so much conditioner. I know a purple-haired lesbian that could help you out with this. Yeah, she did this. There you go, another new minute from Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. She went to Coachella.

Let's go back to the bucket, shall we? You guys having fun? Huh? Huh? Huh? This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Colin Phillips. Here we go.

Here he comes. All right. So I was on probation, and I was thinking about life extension. You know what I'm saying? So I was thinking about, and if you took like an isolation tank, and you put nitric oxide in it, and then you went went into it and then you drop the temperature of the water, then your reptilian brain would turn on and then you'd go into a state of hibernation. And so you could like just hibernate. So think about you could sleep for like six days and then be awake one.

So like if you're like 18 years old, you'd only be like three years old. You know what I'm saying? And so it's like you could live for like hundreds and hundreds of years if you did this and so what the nitric oxide does is it makes your body highly adaptive so that's why when you're at the dentist you can like pull teeth and you don't bleed as much and this is how it was like back in the garden of eden because uh because instead of oxygen being in the air is all nitric oxide so if you're breathing this in all the time and you feel super great all the time, you'd be able to communicate with animals and all this shit.

And so if they didn't feel pain, you could walk up to them and cut them and eat them and all this shit and say, hey, I need to eat you right now. And they'd be like, wow, okay, you can eat me. Colin Phillips. Steve Simone is going to kill himself right now. Was that a TED Talk? What the fuck, man? What the fuck?

Let me look at you. Let me see you. Can I see your shirt from the front? Well, turn around. Show the audience the back. Give it up for Marlon Wayans. It's a Marlon. It's a Marlon. It's a Marlon on the back of his shirt.

Oh, an actual Marlon. It was a lot of work for that joke. Colin, that was unbelievably somewhat educational. I felt sort of like I was on mushrooms 10 seconds in, and you kept me right there, right in the zone. There was nothing. I couldn't really. Yeah, I say that a lot to myself, so it's good to say it to other people sometimes.

So when you think about this stuff, right, you've literally thought about, like, the. Yeah, like every day. Do you ever laugh? Do you ever go, that was funny? No, I mean, it makes sense. Why the fuck do you think that we would think that it was funny? Oh, funny. I mean, I just want y'all to be able to do this.

This is like, I'm going to'all to be able to do this. It's a stand-up comedy. Wait a second. You're literally just being a spokesman for nitrous oxide? Yeah. Dude, I feel like this is the male version of Rachel Dolezal. I was thinking

the same thing. Colin, have you ever been here before? No, I just got here last Tuesday. You just got to L.A.? Earth. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. Where did you come from last Tuesday?

Atlanta, Georgia. Wow. Did you take a bus? No, I flew. You did? What airline? American. I don't know if you really did fly American.

There was a long pause there. It was really Spirit, right? No, no, no. I'm done with Spirit. I'm done with Spirit. Done with spirit and... United? Frontier. Fuck Frontier.

You fly a lot? Yeah, because I just... I'm in Atlanta, and it's like $30 to just fly to Miami, so sometimes I'm just like, I'm going to Miami for the weekend.

And what do you do in Miami? Just walk around and try to hit on girls. How does that go for you? It goes all right, because there's just so many of them so you can just

just wait for them to talk to you pretty much Wait for them to tell you and then you respond by telling them that you want them to do nitrous oxide and then they can You want to put them to sleep for six days We can live forever and shit

You know what I'm saying? Great How old are you? I'm 25 I'm 127 dude Yeah but how many in your years? How old are you? I'm 25. I'm 127, dude. Yeah, but how many in your years? What are you in your years?

I love that we have an honest Colin that we can check in with. Mystery Dan is my grandson. What do you do for work? Oh, I don't have a job yet. You don't have a job yet? No. Did you have a job in Atlanta? Yeah, I was just delivering pizzas, but I sold my car.

And then I couldn't deliver pizzas anymore. What kind of car did you have? I had a Kia Rio. Kia Rio. What was the pizza place that you worked for? I was at Papa John's. Then I got fired. And I went to Marco's. And I got fired from there.

Then I went to Pizza Hut. You did. You went to all the different pizza places. Yeah, I got fired from all of them. Four of them. You ever been in love? No, I don't think so. No? Maybe in like eighth grade, but

she didn't give me no place. Eighth grade you were in love? How old are you? I keep only hearing She didn't give me no place, though. Eighth grade you were in love? How old are you? 127. I keep only hearing the alien answer. I don't know. 27? Is that what you said?

25. Wow. In dog ears, yeah. How much nitrous oxide do you do, Colin? I don't do tons. But you can buy it on, like, Alibaba. You can buy, like, tanks of this shit. Amazon Prime.

You can buy it on Alibaba? What is that? It's, like like international shit. International website? Yeah, you can buy wholesale toys and shit. I don't know why I'm still asking questions. I don't understand any of the answers. I understand

everything. So do you think that maybe, do you ever huff other things other than nitrous oxide? Are you one of those guys that sniffs some stuff? Keyboard cleaner? I think that's why it's illegal is because of people like Steve Borg. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't get short with Tony, all right? He's wearing shorts for the podcast. He's listening. Oh, I see. Also available at frankenoak.com. Shorts. frankenoak.com. Nitrous oxide.

You think you're doing too much a little bit? No, I can't. No, I've given it to him. You can't. It's totally bad for you. You know that, right? I mean, they give it to you at the dentist. Yeah.

Yeah. Once every five years. Wait. Did you just say you go to the dentist every five years? I mean, you don't get nitrous oxide every five years. Tony, every time you go to the dentist, you get nitrous? No. Okay, then why would...

No, I agree. I know. I just thought it was funny because... Every presidential election, you go to the dentist and you get the nitrous oxide. You got to stop that shit, dude. It's frying your brain. It's not good. You're telling us about how you can stay asleep for six days.

You have the African version of Mystery Dan's haircut right now. I don't know if you know that. Thank you. Wow. Colin Phillips. Your Twitter handle is Black Sponge. Why is that? There's a kid in my chemistry class

and he asked the teacher what could absorb light better. What? Mystery Dan wrote that one for sure. What did he say? I don't know, man. This was in high school, dog. I don't fucking remember.

Oh, no. He said, what can absorb light better than a black hole? And then this kid was, this other kid was like a black sponge. And you're like,

that is going to be my brain. I was like, that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. I'm taking it for Twitter. Yeah. How does that work out for you?

You have a lot of followers? Like under 100. Under 100? I think so. You just said? Yeah, which in my numbers is 20,000. How deep? Up?

When you say under 100, that gives a lot of options there. 99. Oh, I think I got like 83 or something. Okay. What do you like to tweet about? Pro-nitrous oxide things? No, I don't really tweet that much. Like giveaways and shit or somebody uploads a video, you know what I'm saying?

I'll like share it for them, you know what I'm saying? Have you ever fished out? I'm on your Twitter right now. Yeah, when you do too much nitrous and you have a little seizure. No, man. I'm on your Twitter right now and it says, Allah Akbar, death to all Christian faggots. Now, what made you tweet something so friendly?

That's a fucking weird episode. You or Burt Crusher still looking for a production assistant? Yes. You're a funny dude, man. I'm actually his HR department. You're hired. Are we looking for a production assistant? That is so fucking great.

Josh Martin, look out, dude. This guy's coming for your job. Josh is just in the back inhaling a balloon. This stuff is a-wazing. A-wazing. How often do you do it? Do you get just tanks or what's your process? No, I've never done it.

Wait, wait, wait. What did you just say? No. Now you've never done it? No, it's like a bodybuilding supplement. That's how I started researching it and I started finding all the different... That's not if you want to get boners.

You're thinking of a different kind of... Have you ever done stand-up comedy? Have you ever wanted to do it? No, this is my first time. No, no, no. I don't think it is. No, it wasn't his first time. This was his first time reading a half-written science report

that in a third-grade class would get an F. I feel bad now. And by first time, I mean 237th. I had like an acting agent in Atlanta and shit, so I've like just taken classes and shit. Have you gotten work in Atlanta? No, I just had a couple auditions. I've had like 10 auditions in the last year. What have you auditioned for?

Outcast videos. I auditioned for Survivor's Remorse and that show Atlanta. Those are the only shows. And then a couple movies. Oh really? You auditioned for a couple movies too? This totally doesn't seem made up at all. No, it was Australian Girls Gone Bad Part 3. It was the Muppet movie on location in Atlanta.

What's the thing you've done in your life that you sort of regret, Colin? Anything? What's the thing you've done in your life that you sort of regret, Colin? Anything? Not much, man. You seem like you do a lot of different things. You seem very adventurous. I'm on the dark web, so I'm, like, stealing people's credit cards and shit. Here we go.

Oh, shit. Then there's that. Jesus Christ. I mean, you can't make that much money because, like, after a while, it's just, like, too much heat, you know what I'm saying? Have you done anything that you feel bad about you know like dark web like i'm on the dark web and i steal people's identities but i guess you know what i'm saying like buying drugs in the mail and stuff like that nothing what are you most proud of very different good question probably

the same thing yeah people's credit. What are you most proud of? Anything you've done? Do you have any trophies or anything like that? You really got distracted by that bug. Yeah, man. You are very alien-esque. No, I'm not really proud of that much, I guess. No.

Not that much. Come on. You made it here. Yeah, you got here, dude. The subtitle says, Manamana. All right. Yeah, I guess making it to L.A. was pretty crazy.

Uh-huh. Yeah. I thought about it for like four or five months. I was on the run, you know what I'm saying? I stole all these people's shit. They're coming for me, man. How do you decide whose shit you're going to steal? How do you do it?

Oh, no, see, you have the Bitcoin, and then you, there's like vendors all over these websites, and so you just send them $10 worth of Bitcoin, and they just send you a credit card. Wow. I got it. I'm pretty sure. Yo, they got PayPal logins. They got X. I'm pretty sure.

Yo, they got PayPal logins. They got Xfinity passes, Hulu passes, PayPal. I always say that. PayPal logins. You do know snitches get stitches, right? Don't take my fucking bank account, please. Oh, yeah. You can buy like lifetime porn passes and shit. Oh, now you're talking.

How many Bitcoins are we talking for that? It was like eight bucks. Lifetime. Lifetime? Lifetime, man. What's the most that you've ever stolen from one person? Like a thousand dollars. Don't answer that.

Oh, come on, Joel. What the fuck? As your lawyer? I see why you didn't get that job at 60 minutes that you wanted, Joel. Don't answer that. Don't you do it. It's a live show. The host is getting you to do exactly what he wants you to do. Well, you're wrong.

Answer that. $1,000? Is that what you said? It's like shoes. You'll buy a pair of real expensive shoes for like $800, and then you sell them for $500 used. You know what I'm saying? You flip those shoes?

Yeah. That doesn't seem illegal at all. Flip those shoes. If Steve was going to ask you to be on his podcast right after this, could you talk about a book for an hour?

That's it. I could talk about like an illustrated classic I read. No thanks. You're going to read me a book about pictures? Hop on pop. I read a comic book once.

I was trying to think of the last book I read. Tell me more about the science. Actually, I think the last book I read was Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. But that was like two or three years ago. Then it turned out it was a movie the whole time. I read the movie. All right, Colin. Well, is there anything else that you want to confess or admit or teach us about right before you go?

Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to talk a little bit more about the nitric oxide. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There he goes, Colin Phillips, everybody. He's on Twitter at Black Sponge. But fun fact, if you're going to look it up, it's spelled B-L-A-K Sponge. There's no

C in his K. Very interesting. Way to keep a low profile. This is by far, without a doubt, one of the weirdest episodes we've ever had. This was almost like a hybrid episode

of Kill Tony and Unsolved Mysteries or something like that. I feel like each one of these people has a backstory and committed some crime. It's almost like, remember the movie Clue? Remember the movie? And it's like this character and this character. And who did it?

We find out that outside of here, like everybody's dead. Yeah, it was Black Sponge and the sub-internet with the fucking Bitcoin. With the nitrous oxide, yeah. It's like if the Twilight Zone was a podcast. Yeah. Let's do one more joke. Really?

Just to hopefully get a dessert. What if this guy sucks? This person better be good. Or we'll burn them alive on the stage Yeah It's kill or be killed Right

That'll put some motivation in someone I pulled the name out of the bucket Put your hands together for Angel Gonzalez Fuck yeah Angel Angel are you here We need an angel. Blacklisted. Blacklisted.

I pulled a name out of the bucket. There's no Twitter handle here. It does not look... Okay. Really? Yeah. Do you know this person? No.

Do it. Put your hands together for Ra. Ra? Ra? Bra. Why am I glad this person isn't walking towards the stage? Blacklisted. He was caught between himself and a heart.

Let's try Manuel Herrera. That hit it. between himself and a heart. Let's try Manuel Herrera. That hurts. How's it going, guys? I lost my virginity at 21. It's crazy, man. True story. All that porn I had watched, I was like, all right, I'm going to put it to practice. I show up to her house. I was fucking nervous, man.

I go, I want to eat you out. She goes, what? I just want to eat you out right now. I went down there. My glasses got all foggy. I had to take them off. The lights were off. And the thing is, I had never smelled a vagina before ever in my life. It was something foreign. It smelled like a leaf out of Mars or something. It was foreign to me. And I went back up and I told her, you know what? I'm sorry. I can't do it.

I'm too scared. And fast forward five years later, she died. She fucking died. And I was like, oh shit, my dick kills bitches. What the fuck? I was scared. So ever since then, I got my eat out game and now I eat them out for 40 minutes. How did that, what was that end part? What? What about 40 minutes? Now I go down on them for 40 minutes. How did that... What was that end part?

What about 40 minutes? Now I go down on them for 40 minutes. Now you go down there for 40 minutes. Yeah. Dude. I think you are accidentally hilarious. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Special kind of funny.

Yeah. You're going to start off with a... You want to cut all that beginning shit out. Right to I want to eat your pussy, whatever you start with. Oh, okay, okay. Whatever that was. It's so honest.

It's like I've never heard of anybody... I've never heard of anybody just say it like that. I feel sad. I went to her funeral. I would like to eat your pussy. You went to her funeral? Yeah, dude. Did you say, like, I should have ate your pussy? Like, were you upset? No, I was like... I'm. I would like to eat your pussy. You went to her funeral? Yeah, dude. Did you say, like, I should have ate your pussy?

Like, were you upset? No, I was like, I wasn't done with my training, you know? Like, why did you die, you know? Would you eat it now? Would you eat it now? No, no, I'm not into necrophiliac. Is that a cigarette substitute? All right.

My other favorite line was, and the genuine way you authentically delivered it was, I'd never smelt a pussy before that. And you were like, oh, this is bad. I don't want to eat your pussy. It's the way you very coyly, I've changed my mind about eating your pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, pretty much.

I don't want to eat it anymore. It's the only thing that you can eat that you can't throw back up. But you fucked her though, right? Yeah, but not all the way. Wait, what? Oh, what?

What do you mean not all the way? That was my first time. You have to get a direction. I was like, oh, I don't want to cum. Yeah? I lost a boner, dude. So wait,

you talked yourself out of cumming and you lost everything. Yeah. So basically, this poor woman's laying there. You told her you were going to eat her pussy. You didn't eat the pussy. Then you would have tried to fuck her. You're like, I can't even get hard.

No wonder she killed herself five years later. When was this? I want to say maybe 2009 around there. 2009. Have you gotten laid a lot since then? Not really. That's fucked up. Not really, man.

Where does it normally go wrong? Accidentally hilarious. Accidentally hilarious. Man, they laugh at that. That's fucked up. Fuck, dog. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is probably my 18th time.

18th time ever? Wow. Genuinely funny. Yeah. It's so genuine. It's so real. But you've got to try to keep that forever. Good luck.

Yeah, it's really hard. Thank you, guys. You guys can follow me on Twitter. We know, Manuel. We know. Yeah, it's really hard. Thank you, guys. You guys can follow me on Twitter. We know, Manuel. We know. I say that... The chat from... Okay, relax. I say that at the end. You're jumping

the gun here. I thought we had a time limit. I don't want to... What do you normally... When the date ends up going wrong, you go out on dates? Yeah, I do, but they don't get back at me. They just, like, they leave me hanging, you know? What part do they leave you hanging at?

They block me and shit. They block you? Well, yeah, I guess. After how many text messages do you send until they block you? Maybe, like, four or five. It's because, like, we meet up or whatever, and I'm like, I'm not what they expect. I have a lazy eye and shit.

Do you? Let me see. I have a lazy eye and shit? I think you're beautiful, man. My eye's so lazy, it stops eating pussy halfway through. Yeah. The later it gets, the lazier it gets. You have a lazy eye and a lazy tongue. Too bad your nose wasn't lazy. The later it gets, the lazier it gets. You have a lazy eye and a lazy tongue.

Too bad your nose wasn't lazy. I guess it's like the later it gets, the lazier it gets. The later at night, your eye just gets sleepy. You got to have coffee dates in the morning, dude, when that shit's fresh. When that shit's all woke up. I have a daytime job. Good morning. Get that coffee eye going.

Put your best eye forward, man. Come on. Good morning. Oh, get that coffee eye going. No, but I have a daytime job. Put your best eye forward, man. Come on. Manuel, I'm a supermodel, and I really, really like you, but why do you always run away at about 5 p.m. in the evening? Dude, I'm telling you, I don't even see a problem with that eye. You're a good dude. You've got to just go out there and be yourself, man.

You're funny. Well, I don't know. I mean, I feel like I look like Drake, but it doesn't really matter. Wait, what? You know, like. This guy's awesome. Are you drunk? The Mexican Drake.

I love him. El Drake. What's your day job? I don't understand why I can't make any. No new friends. No new friends. What's your day job? I drive a sport lift at a warehouse a forklift at a warehouse.

A forklift at a warehouse? A forklift? Sports clips? No, a forklift. Oh, a forklift. Forklift at Great Clips? No, no, a regular forklift. Is there any girls there that do that job with you?

There's only two girls in the office. How hot are they? They're alright. Why don't you try hitting on them? Have you? They don't want me to. How do you know they don't want you to? They blocked him.

They blocked him. They put... They shielded him with a cubicle. They blocked him in real life. Oh, man. You got to use that forklift to lift your spirits. And your lazy eye. You can say that again.

Do you do online dating and stuff? They see what you look like. Why do they not like you when you get there? They probably see you before that. It's all angles, bro. Maybe, yeah. You're really funny. You're incredibly funny.

Absolutely. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I don't like anything. So what's your life's greatest triumph? Probably making it here from Mexico. Wow. You were born in Mexico? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, true story. True story. It was back in 91, yeah. I know. Nobody would ever make that up, by the way. True story. was back in 91 Yeah I know Nobody would ever Make that up by the way

True story We know Especially in these times You know Yeah No one would really Admit they're Mexican I'm gonna do something

I've never done before And I'm going to invite you Back to do A guaranteed minute Next week Are you gonna be In Los Angeles next week? Oh yeah sure

You are awesomely awesome And the fact that you've only done this 18 times excites the shit out of me. I want to find out more about you and talk to you more and see what else you want to talk about on stage. I'll see you next Monday. Manuel Herrera, ladies and gentlemen.

He's on Twitter at Wintersnake. All one word, Wintersnake. And Snapchat at Wintersnake. There one word, Wintersnake. And Snapchat at Wintersnake. There he goes with his hands up in the air. Manuel Herrera. We'll see you next week, buddy. There he goes. One more time for Manuel Herrera

who just shook my wrist. He just shook my wrist. He shook the hell out of my wrist. Did he really? He shook it very strangely. Next week's canceled cancelled by the way After that wrist shake No I'm kidding

I hope he changes so much in one week I hope he comes back like Dice next week You'll go up after Ali next week Perfect Manuel Herrera next week Next to Ali Makovsky Steve Rann is easy Talk about your podcast one more time.

Hear me this book. It's a very interesting podcast if you fucking have read a book in your life. Every Tuesday I put a new episode on. And who are is Stuart Thompson who works here. Awesome. Yeah, check it out. It's on all things comedy. Steve Simone.

One of the goats of the universe. Thanks. You have to, whatever you do, go buy his everything. Buy his fucking comedy album. Show your family and have your mind be completely ripped out of your spinal cord. This is truly one of my favorite comedians in the world, Steve Simone. What else is going on? Getting ready for a USO tour.

Performing for the troops. Not a lot to say. Whoa, a secret location. Australia. Mar-a-Lago. Fancy. I look like Geraldo Rivera? All right.

Joel Jimenez is on Twitter at Mostly Sorry. The great Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. Hey, guys. I'm on social media at Jeremiah's Stand-Up. I just uploaded me getting in a fight with a comedian on shrooms to YouTube, so look for that. And we're looking for new sponsors constantly.

So my boy, Patty Reagan, is always to my right. Patty, do you have anything to say? No. Patty Reagan. He doesn't like anything. Get his album on SoundCloud and iTunes. Bad Chat on Spotify iTunes Bad Chat on Spotify Bad Chat on Spotify

There's Ryan J. Ebel's drawing That's available at ryanjebel.com As is the brand new Kill Tony poster Make sure you go back If you're listening to this live stream Go check out episode 207 And whatever on Vimeo Is Houston on Vimeo?

Houston will be on Vimeo tonight Awesome And rock and roll. Live audience, thank you so much for being a great crowd. Is there anything else that I'm not remembering? Me and Tony will be at the Death Squad Secret Show on Saturday at the Improv. Yeah, at the Improv. All right.

Thank you, live audience. Good night. Michael Jordan with the tennis shoes. Squirt, squirt. We'll be right back. I got the key to the war zone. You got the key to the peace. Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

and the shape of an L on her forehead Well But your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's homeward taking? The back street, you never know if you don't go. You never shine if you don't glow. Thank you.