KILL TONY - KILL TONY #210

Episode Date: May 9, 2017

Adam Ray, Jon Reep, Jeremiah Watkins, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 05/01/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute?

I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning in an exciting live dealer studio exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Don't forget to go to DeathSquad.tv for everything Kill Tony. Not only do we have video portions to a lot of the shows, we also have tour dates. Just click on tour dates, and you can see where Kill Tony is next. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world-famous Comedy Store,

we always go on the road, and we're coming to the Skank Fest in July. End of July, we'll be there. It's already sold out, so you're screwed. So I don't know what to tell you. But we have a bunch of new dates and stuff about to be announced, so always go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website.

Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has all the other stuff he does. He has tour dates, he has merch, he's got other podcasts. Check it out. TonyHinchcl has tour dates. He has merch. He's got other podcasts. Check it out. TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebel is the house artist. He draws every episode. He has the Kill Tony poster for sale.

The new one. And he also draws every episode and sells prints of it. Go to RyanJEBEL.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Hats, hoodies, shirts, everything. Go to ShopSquad.TV and help us, support us. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hinchcliffe. Hey, what's up, everybody? Come on, clap your hands. Get some energy in here. Let's turn this Monday into a fun day, shall we? Fuck yeah. I'm excited.

Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world, you crazy motherfuckers, on a Monday. Brian Redband is here, everybody. He's a little bit under the weather, so he's going to be a little baby quiet tonight. He's got a full-blown sinus infection. We have the HD camera going. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here, ladies and gentlemen, drawing tonight's episode. He drew the Kill Tony poster. He draws every single episode on the show, and that's all available, all those prints, including the Kill Tony poster. I have both of them framed next to each other,

and they look fucking awesome in my living room. I highly recommend doing that. All those are available at RyanJEbelt.com. Josh Martin is here. Look at this guy, keeping everything under control. Let's do it. Let's bring up tonight's guest, shall we? A lot of fun shows that we have coming up

in a bunch of different cities. That's all available at TonyHinchcliffe.com, DeskSquad.tv show here on Wednesday. Big one with Rogan. That's going to be a lot of fun. Let's bring up our guest here tonight. Always two of the funniest comedians in the world. Tonight's no different.

Let's see how loud this place can get for the great John Reap and Adam Ray. Wow. Fuck yes. Only two of the best in the world. John Reap, one of my all-time favorites. Adam Ray, a guy that I started with, came up the ranks with. Yeah, baby.

We just had an amazing weekend in Texas. In Austin, yeah. You sang at the goddamn Comedy Jam. I did. And you fucking killed it. One of my favorite songs. Man, I tried way too hard. You are like a real singer.

I don't think anyone can fully prep when you get a great live band behind you that wants you to do well. And you get a crowd of people that is cheering on your selection of Alanis Morissette's Ironic. It was great. You stole the show. Good choice. Thank you. It's great. You stole the show. Good choice. Thank you. It's ironic. I did a horrible version on the same show

of George Michael's Careless Whisper with our good friend Jeremiah Watkins. I won't let you say horrible though because you went in with so little expectations and then you delivered like you always do and you committed. I committed. It may have been assault on

the audience's ears but I committed. I definitely wouldn't do that may have been assault on the audience's ears, but I committed for sure. I definitely wouldn't do that song without the band. No. But you sounded great. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We don't have a chance. Acapella.

Yeah, yeah. John Reap, everything good? Yeah, I did. This is your first time on the show. Make some noise for motherfucking John Reap, everybody. Hey. You know him and love him from fucking everything. I did the goddamn comedy jam at the Wild West Comedy Festival.

What did you sing? I sang, oldie but a goodie, Georgia Satellites, keep your hands to yourself. You forget you know it until you hear it. Then you go, oh shit, that one. And keep your hands to yourself. And then you hear it and then you forget it. Yeah. Then you wish you never read it.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm excited that you guys are here. I'm excited about this show. One of my favorite things about this show, as any listener knows, is we love our band. Our band is a really big deal here on this show. And every single week they participate and they come out to a different type of introduction. You never know what type of characters they're going to play and for how long they're going to commit to those characters. Let's see how excited you guys are when I introduce.

It's the Kill Tony band. Matt Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel motherfucking Joel Berg Jimenez. Yeah. No, that's not Joel. Whoa. Oh, they're Mexican. Yeah, they are. This crowd fucking loves Mexicans.

I don't think they've ever gotten this warm of a reception before. Yeah. Wow. Break the walls down. Here they are. Tres Amigos. Do you guys hear that? Yes.

It's my ancestors rolling in their graves. No, they love it. Joel Burke. Joel Burke. Joel Burke. This place is out of control for the fucking all-Mexican Kill Tony band. Kill Antonio. La Banditos.

Kill Antonio. I just took two of their jokes away by making that reference. I can tell. It's la verdad. Whoa. All reference. I can tell. It's La Verdad. Whoa. All right. I'm excited about this. Jeremiah in full Mexican regalia.

Pat completely Mexican. And Joel looks absolutely the same as he always does every Monday. Joel and Joel Jimenez on the percussion. We got Pat on the acoustic andenez on the percussion. We got Pat on the acoustic and Jeremiah on the sax. You guys ready to start the fucking show or what? I have a bucket full of comedians. A bunch of crazy people.

Sometimes it's like a top-rising comedian. Sometimes it's a complete insane person. Literally anything can happen on this show, as we found out in Austin when our friend with the saxophone got attacked by a comedian on Mushrooms. Oh, boy. Finally. That really happened last weekend. You know how it works.

If I pull your name out of a bucket, you get the uninterrupted 60-second performance that you were hoping for. You got to wrap it up after 60 seconds, and you'll know that time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that means wrap it up then. Do only your time. Earl, she's going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Yeah.

You don't want to do that. See, that's what happens if they run. If they go too long to get the bear. Very emotionless Mexican guy you are. Jeremiah has obviously never seen a Mexican guy smile before. When he breaks tonight, he's going to break all the way. Yo vivo en Mexico. Oh, yeah. No me gusta el trompo. Oh, yeah.

No me gusta el trompo. Oh, yeah. You don't like him, huh? That's a popular sentence. Man. Give me bumper sticker. What kind of card? It's like the guy who didn't get cast in the most interesting man in the world commercial.

The least interesting man in the world. Solo X. He's still trying to pitch that beer. Look how his hat bobs when he laughs. It's like his neck won't work either. Oh, I just want to fill that thing with water and watch it drip out every time you laugh

tonight. Sombrero. All right, let's do it. I have a name full of buckets, and I'm just going to pull one out, and then you're going to clap your hands when I say this person's name. You guys ready to start the fucking show or what? It's that easy. Your first comedian going up tonight is immediately an absolute legend of the show

You know her, you love her If you knew she was here You'd wish she got pulled out of the bucket Put your hands together for Kill Tony legend Aphrodite Yeah How ironic

That you were already there. Holy shit, it's the real Aphrodite! Oh, shit. Make some noise one more time for Aphrodite, everybody. Hey. How y'all doing? How y'all doing, all guys? Shit. I don't care how y'all doing? How y'all doing? Okay, sure.

I don't care how y'all doing. I don't care. You know, I'm sorry. I got to talk about white people in scary movies. I don't understand y'all. Why y'all keep going back in the house? Black people, we don't play that shit. We see the monster, we ain't going back in the motherfucking house. Y'all white people got to start making the monster wig going back in the motherfucking house

y'all white people gotta start making these horror movies going back in the motherfucking house and then y'all be out there swimming with them damn sharks I saw some shark shit on YouTube ain't no way in the hell you see no black people in the motherfucking water with those sharks make them little bitty ass caves

in the shark like yeah motherfuckers yeah bam running there and everybody's like oh shit, motherfuckers. Yeah! Bam! Running there and everybody's like, oh shit, we shouldn't be fucking with the sharks. Y'all better stop that shit white people. I'm telling you, they cool, they cool. Biting y'all below the waist, you ain't got no legs and shit. What's up with that

shit? Black people, we don't fuck around now. We barbecue, we shoot each other. Alright, Aphrodite putting in a minute. Obviously she saw Jaws for the first time this week. It's been out

for a while, but it just came out on Black Ray. Aphrodite. Sweet, sweet Aphrodite. Jeremiah. Tony, this is embarrassing. I'm wearing the same thing as Aphrodite tonight. Yes,, this is embarrassing. I'm wearing the same thing as Aphrodite tonight. Yes, yes. How embarrassing is it?

You guys are dressed exactly alike. You even have, if you're, wow. He just ain't got no titties. I bet she could do her hair up in a sombrero like that too if she wanted to. He stole a part of my Aphrodite with the damn mustache. Both of them. Alright, Aphrodite, relax a little bit.

Breathe. What scary movie did you see this week where white people kept going back into a house that... I didn't see it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I need you to really listen, Aphrodite. I'm going to just try to ask this question again. What movie did you see in which white people kept going back into a house that had a monster

inside? Well, I have flashbacks from my childhood when I went to see The Exorcist. And all us black kids, we in the movie, we cussing the screen out and the white people just sitting there acting all normal and shit. So I had a flashback this week of that. Flash black. Yeah, flash black. Just going to keep doing that. I'm going to keep going black to these jokes

As often as I can How often are you having flashbacks Is it like any day of the week Because you literally just referenced the exorcist And you were talking It turns out you were talking about Jaws I was making a joke before But if you're referencing the exorcist

Then you must be referencing that one shark movie Well it's all kind of scary movies I've seen over the years. Have you seen Sharknado? No. I'm going to get that one. What about the LL Cool J movie? How did you see that, Mexican Jeremiah? It's called a bootleg, Tony.

It's not good. It's not good. Afromati, have you seen...ite, have you seen Get Out? No, I ain't seen Get Out, but I had to get out one time. Oh, shit. No, no, no. That's just called gout. Yeah.

It's not Get Out. It stays in you. But, yeah, Get Out. Get that one on your playlist. Get Out. Okay. Aphrodite, I want to know stuff. You don't, you know, I feel like you're trying to be funny, and I feel like you don't have to try.

Yeah. Does that make sense? Well, a little bit, yeah. I feel like you're trying to talk about things that, like, I mean, what did you really? Don't try to be funny. I'm going to ask you a real question. I don't want you to be funny. Okay?

What did you do today? Okay. What I did today, I went to the store and got question. I don't want you to be funny. Okay? What did you do today? Okay. What I did today, I went to the store and got groceries. I did something real simple. What kind of groceries did you get? Well, I love crab legs. Straight to the crab legs. There we go.

Open with that. See what the fuck I'm talking about? Open with that. First thing she got at the grocery store. I think there's a word for that. Anyway. How'd you get to the store? How'd I get in the store?

How'd you get to the store? How'd you get in? I'm not that racist. I was in the store. How'd you get in with that fucking hair? Well, it was my ass that caused the biggest problem in the car. Nice. But how did you get there?

Did you walk? In a cab? Yeah. In a real taxi cab? In a real taxi cab. You called a cab with a phone? I scheduled it the day before. The day before?

Yeah. So this was on your list for a while, at least 24 hours. I have a ride service. You got a special ride service? Yeah, you have to schedule the day before. Oh, wow. Uber Black. It's for seniors.

I'm 61. You don't fuck around with your crab legs. It's a whole adventure. I like a dip with some butter sauce with garlic mix in it. Oh, we know you love butter. I like the curry. I'm a sister. What can I tell you?

What did I tell you? You relax with the Aphrodite antics. I want to talk real talk with you. Crab legs, what else? Okay, I have salad. Bullshit. Go on. That's a lie.

Tell us the truth. Why, why, why? Honest answers only. I like to eat like that. What kind of salad? Chicken? Chicken salad? I didn't mean that.

I made it racist by laughing halfway through that, guys. But you do put chicken on your salad, right? No, I don't put meat on the salad if I'm eating meat, you know. It's the crab meat that I wanted, not chicken on the salad. Do you put the crab meat on the salad? Sometimes. Oh, you are. And do you have a soundtrack when you cook?

Do you cook any jams? Well, I sing myself. I like that. That was what I was getting at. What do you sing? Whatever hits me at the time. Do you make up songs about what you're cooking? Whatever hits you at the time.

I have a song that came to me tonight, though. You mean Chris Brown? Well, you want to hear what came to me tonight? Oh, please. Yeah. Okay. If you want to, you can help me, baby. Hey, yeah.

All I'm asking is that you don't drive me crazy. Anybody else picture the little crab legs running out of the kitchen? Get me out of here. They ran out of the house, not back into it. So salad, crab legs. Did you make this tonight? Yes, before I came here. So you went from the grocery store straight back home?

Yes. Did you eat by yourself? Yeah, I ate by myself. At a table? In my kitchen. In the home? Yes. Did you eat by yourself? Yeah, I ate by myself. At a table? In my kitchen. In the kitchen? Yes. Over the countertop?

No, no, it's a little small nook area. Oh, a nook. Yeah. I love that. Are we not going to acknowledge that set of pipes she just displayed? Oh, it's unbelievable. Yeah, it was fucking incredible. It's unbelievable.

That's like a... It's unbelievable. So what's your go-to karaoke song if you were going to go out and sing? You have a good voice, obviously. Great question. I like to do different things. Like one of my favorites is Stevie Wonder, Isn't She Lovely? Okay.

And this lady, Deborah Cox, who's amazing, singing Nobody's Supposed to Be Here. I love that song. When's the last time you made love? Oh, boy. I'm a little past due, like a library book overdue. I ain't going to lie. But Mr. Muscles, we were making arrangements. Mr. Muscles.

Mr. Muscles? Yeah. Who's that? Do tell. I love a brother with some muscles. He got to handle all this real estate. You know what I'm saying? They need muscles because they got to lift those big ass sequins you got on you.

That's right. That's the least of his worries. So is Mr. Muscles one person or any guy with muscles? No, he's just one big guy. It's a guy that we know. Aphrodite, your ass is unbelievable. Is there any special things that you have to do throughout your day? I know that some ladies, they have big boobs, and, like, that hurts their back, or whatever, right?

It hurts their lower back over time. I've heard. I've read this. See? See? The worst doctor ever. Yeah. Is there anything?

But you have big boobs, too, but your butt, like, balances it out. You're sort of shaped like an S for the podcast listeners. Like, there's an interesting thing that goes on here. Very proportionate. I'm just pretty hopeless. My genes, like I've said before on the show, this is my mom, 100%. This is my father's

mother, all back here, 100% USD ass. Ain't no fillers, ain't none of that glue-on shit they get. Glue-on? Whatever they're doing, busting their asses. This is real shit. That's the real deal.

Where are you from from? I'm from St. Louis, Missouri. Okay. Like when you were like a little kid, did you have a big ass too? Yeah, always. Really? Always. They used to dog me out all the time.

What were some of the nicknames they threw at you? Oh, man. They used to call my- Big ass and stuff like that? Yeah. Yeah. Because kids are not creative. They just see what they see and they just say it.

But they say it in a delivery like, oh, man. Look at you, big ass. Black people call me one of the butt sisters. One of the butt sisters? Do you have a sister? Yeah, I got a sister. Got the butt.

I got two sisters younger than me. Okay, yeah. Do you keep them hidden inside of your butt cheeks? Well, you would think I got something in there because people are running up goose in my ass as if they are striking gold or something, you know? And I say, why you can't ask me if it's real? They got to come up and personally feel my ass.

Oh, really? They do that? That's not cool. Like at the grocery store and stuff? I mean, this is really tripping me out. I've said it on the show before. I'm really 61 years old. I'll be 62 in a minute.

Wow. Give it up. You look amazing. Fuck, yeah. Fuck. I just don't conceive getting my ass goosed at that age, you know? Yeah. Right.

Is there a certain... I don't think you can get an ass conceived, though. Sometimes I feel good, though. Oh, shit. So, yeah. So, you're referring to ass play yeah What about Mr. Muscles He's all up in that ass Is there something you have to do special when you wipe

Like it seems like your butt cheeks Do I always ask you that Oh I know You bring your little ass on over So that I can watch you wipe? Do you take Venmo for that? No, it's not that difficult I've been doing it all my life

Right So, do you have to poop a certain way? Like, do you sit straight up? Great question Do you like straddle the toilet reverse? Reverse cowgirl? Do you reverse cowgirl the toilet? Do you face the...

You ask me that all the time. Now you're going to have to pay to see it. He's going to have to pay to see that shit. I've done that one before. Do you have to actually be... I'll tell you what. $10,000, you can go watch me shit all day. Who would pay $10,000?

That's my favorite sentence of 2017. We're going to start a collection. I mean. How much is shit in this bucket right now? Give me $10,000. $10,000 is the going rate? You're going to do it anyway, Aphrodite. No, I don't be showing nobody I'm doing it.

Has it always been $10,000? Or at some point did you up the price? I just decided to give him a break. I was going to say $10 million, but I know you want to go up the price. Well, that's fucking crazy. Nobody would say that. Those are friend prices, 10K. Yeah, that's a family and friend discount.

She likes Tony. I mean, the price of ass goes up every year. Y'all should know that. Yeah. It's love or death. All right, the price of ass goes up every year. Y'all should know that. Yeah. It's love or death. All right, Aphrodite. You're amazing.

I absolutely love you. 61 years old, and you come out, you eat your crab salad, and you come out and play with all of us crazy kids, and I absolutely fucking love you. You're unbelievable. Keep your amazing spirit. Never stop singing, either. Oh, yeah. I'm going to do it, man.

Thank you so much. Make some noise for the great Aphrodite. There she goes. That's one down the train. Aphrodite Love is her on Twitter. A-F-R-O-D-Y-E-T-E-L-O-V-E. We love her. Look at her.

Just that fucking ass just squeezing through people, just knocking over drinks as she goes back. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's watch this guy. Patrick Ramirez. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's watch this guy. Patrick Ramirez. All right. The band loves it.

Patrick. Yeah. Here he comes. What up? Hey, everybody. How you guys doing? Quick question. Make some noise if you're currently employed.

Anybody currently employed here? Yes. Yes. I just do that so I know who to ask after the show if they're hiring. I did not make a lot of money this year, and I just did my taxes. I love doing my taxes. I always do my own taxes. I think that's how you know you're broke, right?

You like doing your taxes. I did my taxes like, all right, I'm getting $62 back this year. All right, I didn't get my life back together. And I got my shitty W-2 back from my job. Anybody ever get the W-2 back from your work? Look at the number and go, I lived off that for a year?

This isn't a tax form, it's a letter of recognition. In the box it said yearly earnings, mine just said, you tried. I have broke motivation though, like even though I don't make a lot of money, I'm still pumped up sometimes. Like I'll be driving in my car,

the low fuel light comes on, a minute later it goes off, and I'm like, well, I guess The low fuel light comes on. A minute later, it goes off. And I'm like, well, I guess that's not a problem anymore. Thank you, guys. I'm Patrick. Fuck yeah, Patrick Ramirez. He's got some jokes. Yeah.

By far, without a doubt, one of the funniest MSNBC correspondents we've had on the show. Thank you. That is true about the taxes. I do miss getting money back. That was like the nicest thing. It's the best. Yeah. I felt like when you went with the 62 number,

we were about to hear some examples of what you got with that 62. I felt like you left us hanging there, like you could have went more on that. You bought TurboTax for 62 bucks or something. What do you do for work, Patrick? I used to work at a bike store, and now I do my own solo thing. I do bicycle fitting, athlete consulting.

Hell yeah. Athlete consulting. What the fuck is that? You got to get way into that mic, Patrick. Get into it. Get that mouth. Get it right next to it. Eat it. Closer into that mic, Patrick. Get into it. Get that mouth. Get it right next to it. Eat it.

Closer. Closer, Patrick. There is lipstick still on the mic from every night. Yeah, that must be it. You might not want to get too close. It's muy peligroso. That mic smells suspiciously like crab salad right now. Peligroso.

Oh, okay. Smells suspiciously like crab salad right now. Pele Grosso. Oh, okay. So you're running a little bike shed, it seems. That's right. Yeah, I got a little bike situation going. I'm the CEO.

And when you say... Oh, shit. CEO. You're the CEO of this? I'm the chief executive officer. I'm the CEO, manager, employee, and janitor. You're the only employee, right? I'm the only guy. Yeah.

Yeah. You're the CEO, and you're also the janitor. The janitor. You're the only employee, right? I'm the only guy, yeah. You're the CEO and you're also the janitor. The janitor, yeah. Do you have commercials for your business? I do the scheduling. That's good. Okay, good. That was my question.

That was really funny. What's the slogan for the shop? Slogan? Well, it's no shop. It's me. Oh, you don't have to be a dick about it. Jesus Christ. Where?

Where? Where am I standing? Wait, okay, so it's just you. But, like, so what's, like, your pitch to people? Like, you say, hey, come to... What's the name of the shop? Well, say you... Well, it's not a shop.

It's just my name. Right. Patrick Ramirez. Patrick Ramirez. And everybody just... Bicycle shit. Patrick Ramirez. Athletic consultant.

That's good. Yeah. Wait, wait, you're not the marketing guy for your own company? This is all new questions. You outsource the marketing? Hey, Tony. Wait, wait. You're not the marketing guy for your own company? This is all new questions to you all? You outsource the marketing? Hey, Tony. Yes, Jeremiah. Can we all make up slogans we think he should use for his bicycle shop?

Great idea. Yeah. Yes. Okay. I think one would be the most boring bicycle trip you'll ever make. That's good. That's definitely in the maybe column. Are you affiliated at all with Lance Armstrong?

No, everybody asks that I got another slogan Maybe I'll make you more tired than your bicycle That's a good bike joke That deserves an applause break right there Maybe not I thought it did Maybe another one would be

I wish I spoke better That's really funny Spokes on a bicycle I thought it did. Maybe another one would be, I wish I spoke better. That's really funny. Yeah, that's great. Spokes on a bicycle. Thank you. I like it. You did inspire them to actually clap when a good audience would. Thank you, John.

That actually worked that time. Boom. They put the seed in their chest. Yeah, yeah. Hey, mi amigo, what's your name? What's my name? What's your name? Patrick.

Patrick. Patrick Ramirez. Okay. Okay, okay. What's your name? Patrick Ramirez. Okay. Okay, okay. Maybe like Patrick's bicycle company. That's really good. It's me

Chico Patty Reagan. I'm still confused on what he does. Maybe Patrick Amirez Seating for one Yes Seating for one Not bad Put that on the business card

Do you have a business card? Single business card I got a business card Just one Just one card Let's take a photo of it and give it back Do you have it with you? No, I don't.

I think you're so lonely you sell unicycles maybe. I'm sorry. We just keep cranking them out. Wait, wait. One more. Wheelie awesome bicycles. Wheelie. Wheelie.

That was a little long. Oh, my God. The best bicycle period. There you go. Wait, so what is an athletic consultant? So if you were to say you wanted to go do something, say, like, I want to ride with my buddies three hours. I've never done it before.

Give me a training program to do that. Sounds terrible. I have another slogan. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. How about this one? I'll huffy and I'll puffy and I'll blow your house in. Something like that. Huffy. It's a brand, people. It's a brand. Oh, I thought that one was going to be

a real schwinner. Oh! Motherfucking bicycle jokes. You can't kill Tony. Set me up with a gas bottle. And he caught it. Jeremiah. Bicycles, we will peg you. I thought it would rhyme with rock.

It didn't. Good misdirect. A, A, A. Maybe just bicycles but you spell it B-U-Y you know what I mean I don't think Patrick Ramirez is going to work for you

you gotta change your name so you've been fixing bikes your whole life you get a lot of pussy doing that I've gotten to this to date exactly zero today but I mean how about in life overall to date

to date zero bicycle pussy zero bicycle pussy how about bicycle asshole are you yourself bicycle? no no but I could change that cast a wider net for clientele oh so you could be

Tricycle Muy bueno Yes Oh si senor Muy bueno Was this a family business That was passed down Or did you

No On your own was like What's the fucking Most boring thing ever I could do What will get me Laid the least And then back that down Yeah but you love it You love it What about it Or did you, on your own, was like, what's the fucking most boring thing ever I could do? What will get me laid the least and then back that down another 10%? Yeah, but you love it. You love it.

What about it? I grew up riding and racing bicycles. Well, there we go. Racing bicycles. When's the last time? I'm sorry. Go ahead, Adam. Yeah, racing bicycles against.

Have you ever seen the Tour de France where it's a big group of riders going down the road? Yeah. I'm not familiar with that. Professionally. No. It was the goal. Yeahessionally. That was the goal. And then it didn't work out. I never got to that point where I could race outside of the states.

It was all in the states. You couldn't get a passport? Why? I understand the struggle. It's hard. Now Patrick, you are a Patrick Ramirez. Obviously you are a Patrick Ramirez. But obviously you are a white-seeming Mexican up there with Ted Cruz and the band tonight. My band.

What's the most Mexican thing about you? He voted for Trump. Dan voted for Trump. The most Mexican thing about you? Both parents, Mexican. Grew up in a border town. A boarded town? Lots of tornadoes.

Tony, the most Mexican thing about me is I saw the movie Selena in theaters. Hell yeah, I did. Joelberg. I did see that in theaters, though. You were answering, though. Go ahead well, you were answering, though. Go ahead, your two parents, border town. I was in the movie, Selena.

Were you the one that shot her? Anything for Selena. Most Mexican thing about you, Patrick, both your parents born in a border town, and then we had a bunch of laughs. I never got an answer out of you. Really, all my family is Mexican. But I would say...

What's the most Mexican thing that you do where you're going through a day or something like that? Yeah, to where even you stop and go, that was pretty fucking Mexican of me. Yeah, yeah, exactly. If you went to my house on Christmas or some holiday like that, it's super duper every stereotype you would think of.

The food, all the people that come over, all the Spanish spoken. So I get it all the time. Yeah, I will never be thought of as a Mexican person. What's the whitest thing about you, Patrick? I went to a liberal arts college. Very good answer. There you go. Spot on.

The circle gets the square. See, you could have said a bunch of white stereotypes. I went to a liberal arts college. Very good answer. There you go. Spot on. That is definitely the whitest. Circle gets a square. See, you could have said a bunch of white stereotypes, and that would have. Es muy blanco. What college? The College of Santa Fe, which later. Of course, even the white liberal arts college sounds Mexican. Yeah.

That college, after I graduated, closed, too, I found out. Shut it down, dude. It was no good. You got your master's degree in bicycling. No, I got a bachelor's in psychology. I'm sorry, I stepped up here. Say again. What? Psychology.

Oh, dude, he's in her fucking heads right now. Psych- Psychology? Jeremiah? I just got it. Oh, dude, he's in her fucking heads right now. Psychology? Yeah, yeah. Jeremiah? Psychology! I just got it.

Tony. Yep. Antonio. You're on fire. Ask me how Mexican I am. Hey, Mexican Jeremiah, how Mexican are you? I'm so Mexican, my first blowjob was from a leaf blower. That's Mexican as fuck. And so is Patrick Ramirez. There he goes, everybody.

He's on Twitter at Patrick Kinney. Good job, Patrick. Keep it up. Patrick Kinney head? I can't read your handwriting, Patrick. That's interesting. Another new one. What are the odds of fucking Ramirez out there with the band just summoning? Hey, Tony. I. Another new one. What are the odds of fucking Ramirez out there with the band just summoning? Hey, Tony.

Yeah? Hey, I have a new sponsor. Oh, yeah? Go to Apple. Everyone, Kill Tony fans, go to applesauce.com, put in the code KILLTONY, and you can get your free applesauce. It's just absolutely It's like if a

Okay forget it Just perfectly funny It was like doubly unbelievably so stupid At first I hated it And then I just fucking ended up loving it Because it just is so Applesauce might be the perfect product in the world to have as a sponsor.

To need a promo code for. Jeremiah's spit take left me with a wet back. Help! Oh, Joel Berg has listened to the crowd roar. It has begun. Joel is

notorious for going on joke streaks, so he gets a special chance. I has begun. Joel is notorious for going on joke streaks, so he gets a special chance. I love it. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like another new name. I'm pretty excited about this. One word names are always some of my favorites on this show. How could we forget greats like Aphrodite and maybe you've

heard of the character we once had called Ichabod. You guys do know about that. I love that. I just pulled a one word name out of the bucket and once had called Ichabod. This is, you guys do know about that. I love that. I just pulled in one word name out of the bucket, and this name is Callie. Callie! Here we go. K-A-L-I.

Move over here, Callie. Move your ass. Anybody see anybody moving up there? Callie! Nothing? No movement. No movement for... Callie's in big trouble.

Pulled another name out. How about Isabella Charlton? Here she comes. From the top back. Yes! Yes! Make some noise for Isabella, everybody. Come on.

Yeah! My brother does really good impressions of all the characters from Harry Potter. And I can do impressions of his impressions. Harry, no! Thank you. That was... That was Hermione.

Or Ron. I told my mom I was doing comedy, and she said, So you're trying to be like that Amy Schumacher. Yeah. My mother never hugged me because she's British and I'm not a horse. Is that a minute? Keep going.

I've got more. I showed my mom one of my comedy videos and I said, I don't know if that's funny and she said yes there you go Isabella Charlton welcome good evening

what's up Isabella how long have you been doing stand up two years all in England no not in England How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. All in England? No, not in England. Where? A year here and a year in... In Auckland, Hong Kong.

Wow, I'm surprised the Mexican guy knows what Auckland is. Yeah, my family swam far. Jesus, that's very far. That's ridiculously far. Watching you laugh to try to keep the mustache on is fucking amazing. Yes, that's very far. That's ridiculously far. Watching you laugh to try to keep the mustache on is fucking amazing. That's my favorite. That should be a game show in itself. Half off.

Because it's so creepy because you're not fully smiling. It just looks like you're cumming in your pants and not moving. Like the worst orgasm ever. Or you can't enjoy it fully. All right. Isabella, what are you? A girl. But did we get it out of you?

British, English? Yeah, British. I'm British. Yeah. So how long? You've been on stand-up for two years. How long have you been in America? A year.

One year. You said you did it for a year in England. Hong Kong. Yeah, I grew up in Hong Kong. Really? Oh, shit. Hong Kong. You grew up in Hong Kong. Really? Oh, shit. Hong Kong. You grew up in Hong Kong.

Wow. It was a colony. Is everyone really kung fu fighting? You said that so sincerely. I know, right? Sold it. Sorry.

Was that fun? How'd you get to Hong Kong? I'm sorry, like, how did this happen from there? My mom moved there when I was a baby. She has a law firm there. Okay. So did you mostly go to school with all Asian people?

Yeah. I speak Chinese. Do you? Can you give us a little example? Can you say, I really love your show or something like that? That's it. Correct. I believe you. That was it. She's right. That was correct. That's it. Correct. I believe you.

That was it. She's right. That was correct. That's exactly right. Good job. Based on what I know, that was it. Yeah, 100%. What do you do for work?

In between jobs. In between jobs. Yeah. What was the last job you had? I've had loads of jobs. I used to be a lawyer, and then I worked in a bank and then I did TV and film in China and then I moved here.

What was the best TV job you did in China? What show? Do they have an equivalent to a Family Feud out there that you might have been a contestant on? No, I didn't do reality. I just did scripted stuff. What was one of the name of the shows?

Long Haody Tour. Got that on Black Ray. Callback, Tony! It'd be Yellow Ray for that one. That's the line. Crossed it. Tony. Isabella, when you were a lawyer, were you representing yourself?

No. Okay. What kind of law did you specialize in? Crime. Yeah. Oh, shit. What's the worst case you had? And did you win?

Yeah, I won most of them. Was win the name of the guy that you represented? Who? That's funny. That's funny. So you grew up around mostly Asian boys. Have you mostly been dated and in love with Asian boys, or did you always try to find the white kids out there?

Yeah, I guess. You tried to find the white kids? You just said, yeah, I guess, to a different type of question. So white guys? Yeah. Are they hard to find in Asian? No. Asian? No I don't know what just happened right there

Asian? That's a total That was a total weird thing that happened there I don't know how to explain that It's almost impossible to find a white guy in Asian Proper words, oriental Yes, Jeremiah? I was just thinking, do Asian rappers

after they have a dope rap at the end, do they say SARS instead of bars? Wow. That mustache is coming off, dude. I love that sound so much. That's the same noise that Isabella used to wake up to every morning, by the way.

Not that one, the car crash. What was the biggest difference up to every morning, by the way. Not that one. The car crash. What was the biggest difference you noticed when you got to the States from the UK? From the UK? Yeah. Probably the food, isn't it? People are more positive. People what?

People are more positive. Point the hillbilly accent on that Mexican all of a sudden. Probably the food, right? I thought I said that for a second. I didn't say anything. Mexico all of a sudden. Probably the food, right? I thought I said that for a second.

I didn't say anything. Okay, so tell me the case, your worst case in criminal law in Hong Kong. I went to London when I was a criminal lawyer. I know. I was quizzing you to make sure you weren't lying to me earlier. Okay. How old are you, Isabella?

30. How do you survive if you don't have a job and you're in between jobs and all this? What's your story? Like, I don't get it. There's something missing. Yeah. She's got a secret, obviously. Well, I did work.

I had all these jobs, so I saved money. And my mom's pretty nice. Your mom's pretty nice. That's good. What does your mom do for work? She has a law firm. Yeah. What does that money come from?

Law. War? Criminals. Did you say war? Law. Law. Law. She works in law, too. Law. Oh, yeah. That's deep. Criminals. Did you say war? Law. Law. She works in law too.

Lore. Oh yeah. That's deep. Say that again. Lore. Oh my god. Were you in the UK when Susan Boyle popped?

Yeah. Was that a pretty big deal? Yeah. The bus went everywhere. The accent's back. Isabella, what's something that when you're not doing stand-up comedy What are you into, like hobby-wise?

What do you like to do for fun? I like woodwork Woodwork? Oh my god Here we go A lot of horny guys clapping in this room What's your favorite type of wood to work with? Balsa Balsa?

Nice Maple Oh my god What's the coolest thing you've made? It's the most buoyant of the woods A chopping board It's here to float on a cross-torm Chopping board

You come from the balsa There's two conversations going on. What was the coolest thing you made? A chopping board. A chopping board? It's just a piece of wood. Isn't that what you need to do the work? So wait, you just found a piece of wood?

Yeah. That's great. Are you currently working on any woodwork right now? She is over here. No. Jesus Christ. You are disgusting. It was just a matter of time.

Red band. Red band. Red band. What did I do this time? You guys are out of control completely. So earlier you talked about your brother who does Harry Potter impressions. How old is your brother?

He's two years younger. Okay, so we know how old she is now. Oh, look what you did there. That's some real pedophile shit. He's obsessed with Harry Potter, yeah? No. When he was a kid, he was auditioning for the role.

Oh, shit. Harry Potter? Okay. Because he went for the role. Oh, shit. Which role? Harry Potter. Okay. Well, there's other ones on there. Because he went to the same school as Emma Watson. It was a boarding school. Damn. God, look at you.

That's like real British royalty right there. All right, Isabella. Other than woodwork, anything else? That might be the most British boring ass answer I've ever heard in my entire life. So other than woodwork, what would be your number two favorite hobby, something that you're into, a fan of, or perhaps, you know? I like petting dogs.

Wow. Wow. Basically a bunch of grown up kids on this show today. I think there's an app for that now. I work with bicycles, I pet dogs, and woodwork. And Aphrodite does literally nothing all day. Do you do you smoke weed?

No. No. Yeah. So like for like in a full like a day like today, like what was your what was it when you're in between jobs? How do you feel the time? Yeah. This morning I got a parking permit. You got a parking permit.

Yeah. You have to have a permit to park. Yeah. This morning I got a parking permit. You got a parking permit? Yeah. You have to have a permit to park? Yeah, where the fuck do you live, John? Oh, that's not here, apparently. Really? Yeah. I have a garage. Go ahead.

Oh, well, yeah. Well, I mean, yeah. So many people were so jealous when you said that. I know. Oh, what's that life like? What are you? I took two baths. So many people were so jealous when you said that. I know. Oh, what's that life like? I took two baths. I met someone for coffee. You took two baths?

Oh, my God. Steeping in a cup of tea. Dirty, dirty girl. I'm writing, too. You're writing, yeah. I'm writing a novel. You're writing a novel? In the tub?

That's what it's called. About what? It's a young adult. Young adult? Go ahead. More descriptive? Set in a boarding school. Again with the wood.

And then what happens? I'm working on the ark. That deserved more. That was really funny. That deserved a couple claps. Again with the wood. That's like your catchphr That deserved a couple claps. Again with the wood. That's like your catchphrase on a shitty sitcom. Again with the wood.

The wood again. So then what happens? What happens in the boarding school? Young adult in a boarding school. I guess it was loosely based on me. Oh, shit. And I got in lots of trouble at boarding school. For doing what?

Shenanigans. Like what? Like specify. Come on. And I got in lots of trouble at boarding school. For doing what? Shenanigans. Like what? Like, specify. Oh, come on. Like, what kind of shenanigans? Shenanigans is different to everybody. What are British shenanigans?

In the girls' room? I got suspended for climbing on a roof. Oh, wait. I just realized these are like British shenanigans. Yeah. One time I went

into the exit. You can't do that. You can't do that. I got in big trouble one time when I accidentally dropped a lemon seed while making tea. Ten conduct points off my overall score.

I ate a breakfast biscuit for dinner. When the principal found me, I was in big trouble. I don't have an English accent. Something not in my repertoire. There's a loophole. How long do you anticipate

it taking you to finish this novel? Another two years. Another four baths. That's cool. Is the main character named after you? Are you making it very personal? Well, it's going to be pretend fictionalized. Pretend fictionalized.

I say put the novel together. It seems like it has a storyline. I think it's really something that would work. That's great. There she goes, Isabella Charlton, everybody. Isabella!

That was fun. There she goes. She is long gone, which is also the first boy she kissed. Also, I don't know if you noticed, there is a guy up there with a staff.

No shit. I'm not even making a big joke. There's an actual staff up there. We have a guy with a staff? Yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. Not a bunch of people you pay.

We know that guy. The old black wizard up there. Okay. Work on it. Okay. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and again, this looks like a brand new name. Put your hands together, believe it or not, for

Diego Zavala. Yeah, baby. Alright! Diego Zavala! Oh, no. No Diego? Oh, no. Another friend deported. Well

played. Well played. Well, Diego, since you missed your spot, you know what that means. You just got brownlisted. The listeners are going to love that one. And it got nothing in the room. I can hear them laughing with their headphones on now. Another name. How about Johnny C?

Yeah, baby. Johnny! Here he comes. Here he comes! What's going on? Ha! So, uh, I'm single and dating gets harder and harder as I get older. And I think it's because I know what I want out of a relationship now.

And more importantly, what I don't want. Like, so many women out there have terrible relationships with their families. Or do a bunch of drugs. Or into weird sex shit. And it's so hard to find all those things in one person. She's out there, though. I'm looking. Money can't buy happiness.

It's true. I work for a rich guy, and I see him travel around the world doing rich guy shit with his rich guy friends, and it doesn't matter. No matter how much money I steal from him, I'm still not happy. Thanks a lot.

Fuck yeah, Johnny C. 48 seconds. Keeping it tight. Keeping it tight. You are the funniest guy that's ever performed on the show that is a cast member on every show on A&E. Every single show from Pawn Stars, Code Red,

Prison Life, First 48, right? Johnny, what's your story? You seem like a funny guy. What do you mean? Can we read the tattoos and tell the story? Really? How long have you been doing stand-up?

A little over a year. A little over a year. Where are you from? L.A. Do you really work for a rich guy? Yeah, I a year. A little over a year. Where are you from? L.A. Wow. Do you really work for a rich guy? Yeah, I do. Can you give us a hint? I mean, what I do? I work.

What does he do? What does he do? I open a dispensary every day. I go get everything ready. I fill jars and stuff. Very cool. Matthew McConaughey! No. Okay Okay I thought

That's who the guy was Well that's fine And you've really Stolen money from him Sure he told me My first date That he didn't trust Anybody that didn't

Try to steal from him In a little bit Oh shit So I had to figure out What an acceptable Right To steal was Yeah

You know what I mean And did you I'm still working on it I have a formula You know what I mean That's a fucked up equation But still working on it. I have a formula. You know what I mean? That's a fucked up equation, but you're right. Sure.

I mean, you're playing with fire. You know what I mean? Because I don't want to not steal as much as I could. Sure. You know what I mean? You got to maintain the street cred. Get just enough,

not to get fired, but enough to, you know. Yeah, it sounds like your boss has some sort of childhood trauma. Anyway. That's interesting. How many tattoos do you have, Johnny? I have no idea.

No idea. Do my knuckles count as one, two, or eight? Oh, what is that? I'm going to say that's four right there. Oh, okay. Now that's eight. What was the first one you got? My first tattoo?

Yeah. I had some horrible shit on my back. Yeah, that's why I asked. Is it on your back? Oh, no. Get out the fuck out of here. Johnny, I have some questions for you. Yes, sir.

Are you in love? Oh, fuck. No. No. Are you dating someone? No. Hmm. What's the last time you had sex with somebody?

Tony's asking for a friend. Last night. Sure. I mean, sex and dating. Wait, what? Sex and dating, that's not the same thing, right? No. No, man, it's just fucking.

I would love to. You know what? I would be stoked to date and stop just like. Depends on what you did before the sex. What did you do before the sex last night? Went on a date. I was asleep. When's the last time you got your burrito wet?

All right. That was so, okay. She came over late night. It's like late night. Yeah. It's on cheese day. It's on cheese day. Do you like girls who like crab legs and salads?

I do. All right. How do girls respond to all your tattoos? Are they intimidated? You know what? Either in or out. Yeah. Pretty immediately.

You know what I mean? How do they respond when they come into your place and the pit bulls start running towards them? When they see the cage, do they go towards it? How close am I to right on that? I don't have any dogs. Really? If I was going to have a dog, it would be a big dog that could knock me down and fuck me for sure.

You'd want a dog that would fuck you. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Learning some new shit. Welcome back to what? How many sublime music videos have you been in? There it is. Man, you're an interesting character. I feel like you've seen a lot.

I feel like you're the guy that drives the getaway food truck or something like that. I don't know. Now you're not far off. Now, have you always been a hat guy? or is the hat used to offset all the tattoos? No. I've worn a hat since some kind of hat on my head since I was a kid. Hey, does the hat come with a free trombone? Whoa, feel the burn on that one.

Nice. A little trombone joke. That's what she's saying. That's what she's saying. You always worn a hat? Yeah. I like hats. You always want a hat? Yeah. Yeah.

I like I like you have a bunch of hats. You have any of that collection right? I do. I do. What is the what

is the C stand for? I mean, what's your ethnicity? Mixed Mexican and white Mexican and white. Oh, that's so fun.

What's the tattoo? You clearly have tattoos all over your body. What's the tattoo that You clearly have tattoos all over your body. What's the tattoo that you regret? One in which you're like, fuck. You have to explain to the ladies. The tattoo on my forehead was pretty stupid.

Whoa, that's dumb as fuck. It looks like real hair. That was pretty dumb. The dude tried to talk me out of it. Are those horns? They're diamonds, but they look like horns. Yeah. Hey, horns are a girl's best friend, Tony.

I'm out of here. Oh, man. Johnny C., when you're not doing stand-up, what are you into? Like when you're not working at the weed store and you're not – I still hang out at tattoo shops a lot. Really? That's a – Oh.

Why? Is the conversation that good? It's just – it's home. You know what I mean? It feels comfortable I'm just coming to the comedy club Before you just know It's your cheers

And it doesn't matter what city I'm in I know there's shops in every city Where I know somebody So if you walk into a tattoo parlor anywhere They go, oh hell yeah Not anywhere, but there's at least one In every major city It's a place you go to where everybody knows your name

because it's written across your chest. Exactly. Would you guess between the three of us here, how many tattoos we have between the three of us? Go ahead. Give it a good guess. I'll give you a hint. I'll give you a hint.

You have more on your forehead. I would guess eight would be my total guess. What do you got? I got two. One here. What's it? What is it? This shit right on my fucking hat.

And then I got one that looks just like a freckle. Got it in Myrtle Beach. Oh. Yeah, it's a fake freckle one. So that's just to match the rest of them. I have the cast of Space Jam on my taint. Except for Wayne Knight. Couldn't fit Wayne Knight on there.

But everybody else made the cut. Red Band, how many do you have? Me gusta Monstars. Really? No shit. I have one that's, there's a bad story where it's like Asian letter. And I thought it was R for my last name. And then recently this Asian girl goes, why do you have that on your arm?

And I was like, it's R for my last name. She's like, there's no such thing as an R in Japanese or whatever it was. For years, guys have made up flash sheets to put up on wall that mean... I was like, what's it mean? And she goes, oh, it means waterfalls. Bad story indeed. You were right.

I have a bad story about this one tattoo and then you told it. I mean, quite incredible. The whole time I was waiting for a big misdirect there. Go ahead, Pat. I have a tattoo. Yeah. Yeah. It's a tattoo of the Rio Grande along my butt crack.

Okie dokie. Everybody's malfunctioning right now. Johnny. I've got a tattoo, Tony. Craziest thing you've ever seen go down at a tattoo shop. Oh, okay. Go ahead, Jeremiah. It's Virgin Mary crying, eating a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos.

Okay. Myrtle Beach. Saved it. It was nice to meet you, Johnny. See. I like your first joke. Are you going to get a tattoo that reminds you of this, what happened here? I already have one. Really? It's a secret. Thank you, sir. Nice to meet you. I like your first joke. I like that. Are you going to get a tattoo that reminds you of this? What happened here?

I already have one. Really? It's a secret. Are you serious? A Kill Tony tattoo? Yeah. No. Okay.

Shit. Oh, God. It wouldn't be the first one I saw, so no big deal, you motherfucking haters out there. Put your hands together for Johnny C. Good job, Johnny!

Hey! Tat. Put your hands together for Johnny C. Good job, Johnny! Let's do something fun. Before going back to the bucket, let's bring a regular on who does it. This young lady, John, this is your first time on the show. She does a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. Like some kind of freak. She's up to 10 minutes now.

She's actually done more than 10 episodes, but yes, she's up to many, many minutes. Put your hands together for her, everybody. It's the great Allie McCoskey. Woo! Oh, boy. It's Monday, which sucks, I guess. I don't know know i feel like every day sucks i hate when

people just make it about mondays they give it a little bit too much credit about how shitty their lives are i work at a restaurant i'm like hey how's your day going and this lady's like oh you know not bad for a monday i wish people gave the same like props to other days. Like on a Friday, be like, hey, how's your day going? They're like, well I want to hang myself even on a Friday. That's something I can get behind. I hate small talk too, especially at restaurants and stuff. Whenever I have to go out to eat with someone I don't know that well, our conversation is about how hungry we are.

Then we don't talk about anything else we eat, and then we talk about how full we are. And then I want to hang myself every day. Okay. Another brand new minute from the great Ali Makovsky. Nice. 56 seconds of great, great stuff. You're fucking killing it.

How's life going? Awful. Why? What's happening? I don't know. I'm just in a little funk. You know how it goes. Ebbs and flows or whatever.

Something like that? So you're working a lot? No, that's the problem. I have one shift a week. Yeah, but's the problem. I have like one shift a week. Yeah, but it's fine. I'll find another job. Where do you work? I work at a French restaurant in East Hollywood.

Okay. Yeah. Part, part, part, part, part time. Super part time. Do you just work one minute a night? One, yeah, one shift a week, but I covered someone's shift today. But it's longer than 60 seconds. Yeah. Okay. Hey, you want to join our but I covered someone's shift today. But it's longer than 60 seconds. Yeah.

Okay. Hey, you want to join our gang? You already got the haircut. Yeah. Well, that's fun. So you're working at a restaurant, right, right now? Yeah. Yeah, I used to do that.

What's your least favorite thing about working in a restaurant? Part you hate the most? Refilling salt and pepper shakers? No, I don't do that. I have to fill up water all the time and sometimes I just like don't give a fuck and I'll spill it all over and I'll be like, whoops, part of the job. Wow.

Maybe you'll get more shifts if you stop spilling water on everybody. That might be why you have one shift. Jeremiah? Yeah. Ali and I recently received some good news. We're being recast in the movie Alien. She's Sigourney Weaver, and I'm just illegal.

God, I love you so much, Jeremiah. It's incredible. It's still hanging in there, dude. The thing's, Jeremiah. It's incredible. It's still hanging in there, dude. The one side's coming down. I like your cadence. I like the way you sound. I like the way you talk. Thanks.

Sounds good when I say that, but yes. Do you write a lot when you're at work? Yeah. I just started today. I bring my notebook with me, and I just started today. I made a bullet point thing for every day of this month to at least write two things

and then as the month goes on, write at least like six things by the end of the month every day just to kind of like practice because I've been like just really lazy. Can you pull material from the job or do you hate it so much that you can't even see that?

Yeah, it's kind of a mix of both because I'm dealing with so many people. It's less about the job or do you hate it so much that you can't even see that? Yeah, it's kind of a mix of both because I'm dealing with so many people. It's less about the job and more about interactions with people. But it's like I just hate working so much that it's hard to be like, what am I going to come up with today? Someone's like, what are the specials? And I'm like, fucking nothing.

Nothing special. Where are you from? I'm from Long Beach. Now, where are you from? I'm from Long Beach. Okay. LBC. Yeah. But I went to school in Orange County, so I, like, claim Long Beach, but really I was, like, going to school with all the surfers and stuff in Orange County.

Born and raised? Born and raised. No shit. Rare breed. What? Rare breed. Rare breed, yeah. Wait, Allie, surfers go to school?

People that own bicycle repair shops go to college. I was going to say, if she needs a job, I know a guy with a bicycle shop that's severely understaffed. And lawyers are woodworkers, apparently. My goodness. It's a crazy world. Have you had jobs other than this restaurant? Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah.

Worse? I feel like they're all the same It's like mostly I work at restaurants and stuff I worked at a movie theater but yeah everything else was restaurants Movie theater is awful because you're just like drenched in butter at the end of the shift

Sounds like my ex-wife It's a fucking at the end of the shift. Well, I mean... Sounds like my ex-wife. It's a fucking... It's a tough... It's always a tough time, you know, building, you know, gaping that bridge in between fucking, you know, like, having enough to survive

and eventually being a killer. But you writing and performing a brand new minute on this show every week, you know, is obviously pushing yourself to a fucking crazy place. And I just got a coffee before the show at the exact same coffee shop that I had to fucking work at nine years ago.

And it was miserable. And great stuff happens because now I have young, dirty fucking Netflix money. It's a whole thing. You have to look into it. How long have you been doing it? Almost three years. All right. Good stuff.

Yeah, I just got, I went to a party this weekend and some person there was like doing tarot readings and I got the death card. And so I'm just like, I think it really took me. All right. Well, you're still alive.

I don't know. You're dead. You're kicking. Wow, that was terrible. Terrible. That was recorded. All right. Allie.

No, keep it up. Allie, you are a stone cold assassin, and I love that you are a part of this show. Keep killing it. There she goes, the great Allie McCoskey, ladies and gentlemen. Good job. The super regular. Absolutely slaughtering it. Since episode 100, I think, with Bruce Buffer.

Is that 100? When we did the switch, it was, right? Wow. We're at 208, 9? 9. This is 209. Represent Nate Diaz, Nick Diaz. Shout out to you on episode 209.

That's the area code to Stockton, for those of you who don't know. Hey, is Manuel here? Manuel? Manuel? Are you here? Okay, well last week, before we go back to the bucket again, we're just going to knock this out now. Last week, I fell in love with this guy. A lot of us did. Very

interesting character. Extremely honest. We were very excited about his interview and his set and what we saw so we in an unheard of maneuver invited him back to just do a spot this week. Let's see what he does tonight. Put your hands together for the great Manuel Herrera. Alright everybody.

I've never had a girlfriend in my life. But I almost wish I had a girlfriend, just to see how it feels to cheat on her, you know? But here's the deal. I'm hairy as fuck. I'm so hairy, I had an ingrown on my ball sack. There's no girl who's gonna pluck it out.

Guess who plucked it out? My own mother plucked it out, man. She was on her knees and plucked it out. No girl is ever gonna do that, you know? I'm not circumcised, I don't give a fuck. Jesus Christ. You know? Hey, but you know what, girls? More foreskin for more action.

What's up? You guys can follow me on Twitter. Yes. Yes. Thank you. All right. 58 seconds of thunder from Manuel Herrera. I mean, a lot of information, and close it out with a catchphrase. More foreskin, more what?

More action. Yeah, dude. But no, he ended with, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. I like that. You truly don't. I mean, even though you clearly had no choice, I don't think anybody has a choice of when they're circumcised.

I don't know how many two-month-old babies are like, it's time. I'm a huge, I totally give a fuck. Get rid of this extra skin. I give a fuck. I'm a baby. I'm a fucking baby. All right. You are one of the words that I use to describe you, which I very rarely use on an intro ever,

maybe ever in 10 years of doing this, is honest. I said that you were honest, and I think that you truly followed through with that. That ingrown ball thing, that has to be true, right? Did your mom really pluck out a fucking – oh, God. Did you ask her? Did she offer? Was it on the back side of your balls? Is that why... It was on the lower left where I have my mole around there.

Oh, where you have your mole. It's a whole fucking cast of characters. That's how you find it. Mom, what's next to the mole? I have a globe in the corner of my bedroom that's just a model of Manuel Herrera's balls, and I should have known where that mole is, is where the ingrown hair right down near like the Australia

of the ball sack, right? Go ahead, I'm sorry, I just stepped on it. No, it's okay. So she actually did that. How long did this process take? The removal of the ingrown hair? I want to say, while leading up to it...

Oh, there's some foreplay. No. Why didn't you do it yourself, by the way? Why didn't you just squeeze it out? He wanted his mom to have some fun. I'm sure she had a ball. I couldn't really do it. He wanted to put his mom to the test.

I'm surprised he's even talking about it. It's a little testy. Hey! That was a testicle joke, guys. She wanted to feel like a grown-up. I'm surprised he's even talking about it It's a little testy Hey! That was a testicle joke, guys She wanted to feel like a grown up Wait, what? Say that again Please repeat it

Jeremiah, you really got the shaft on that one Wait, are you and your mom close? Was this an out of the ordinary thing for you to ask? Well, I had no choice. I mean, what does that mean? She tackled it. How did you know what it was and what was going on down there? Well, every time I walked, it felt irritated.

Oh, yeah. And she she noticed a weird walk going on. She's like, is there a pube that's giving you a hard time there? Yeah. She noticed something was up. She knows something. What did she do? Did she do a tweezers or teeth?

Tweezers. I love the delay that's going on in this room. There's a hard two-second delay. Enough time for him to answer it. Tweezers. Well, I applaud you having that happen and immediately thinking, all right, well, there's a bit here. Right.

I mean, if ingrown hair gets that infected, there's got to be some what? Some pus that came out of it, huh? So was she, like, squeezing her two fingers against your balls, too? I didn't have any. Normally, I don't like to get this gross, but I feel like this is, like, a true story. Well, you said she used tweezers. Yeah. To get the hair, but, I mean, you wouldn't squeeze the skin with that, right?

No, no. Did she have gloves on? You could tell the truth. Did she have a face mask on because you're uncircumcised and you got chowder dick? No. See, that's the line. That was the line. You went way over the foreskin. Oh my god.

No, she just plucked it out in the spirit of May 5th. Candy came out. Oh, see. I don't like it when people try to be funny. I always like it. I don't like it when people try to... Just stick with the honesty. Hey, Manuel, did you have to consciously

knock at a boner and shit? No, that was out of context. You see why I don't like it when people try to be funny? No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I love you, Pat. Stop moaning like that, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I love you, Pat. I love you. Stop moaning like that. I love Pat. Manuel, will you tell us a story

about your school photo? I heard this story yesterday. Is this true? Oh, Joel thinks it's true. I want to hear this. This just did. Go ahead. Well, yeah.

I mean, some kid did the Stone Cold Stunner on me and he broke my glasses. My dad had to put them together, and he went into his room, and he came back out with one of my mom's old sunglasses, and my lenses wedged onto the sunglasses, and I had to take a school photo with them. That's fucked up. Are you still on the movie rights to that story? Not yet.

Wait, so then what happened? I'm confused. It's called Selina. How many lenses are we talking about in the picture? No, he took out the sunglasses. The sunglasses. And he wedged my actual lenses onto the sunglasses. Oh, so that's the whole thing.

So it was clear over the sunglasses. No, there was no sunglasses. He took them out Do you have this picture anywhere? He's doing it now It's the same glasses Did you get a lot of shit for that? Did the kids make fun of you?

Yeah sort of Fuck that what did they call you? Like big ass and stuff? Remember from earlier? Call back! But seriously did they say anything? Ever since then, they started calling me Pep Boys Pep Boys?

Pep Boys! That's not bad! Oh, my God That's pretty good That's not bad for a kid insult That's not bad That's pretty damn good for a kid insult Wait, how long goes this?

She gets me mad Now, would you fire back memories and shit yeah would you fire back gafas de so bendejo oh oh alright

hell yeah would you make fun of people back or would you try to fight or what was your way of handling that would you just cry at the time

really I was more like introverted yeah right now I got more a little more wild hell yeah more introverted like your dickhead.

That's a foreskin joke. You became more extroverted when you let your mom pop the thing on your ball. You're like, listen, world, I am here. Oh, God. I'm still watching that one day. Some of these, I guess, are just for me. You guys keep that up over there.

I might build a wall in between us and you and make you pay for it. Anyway. How does your mom feel about your choice of profession with comedy? She's a little disappointed. She doesn't think I'm that funny. Oh, no shit. Really? Is that true?

Well, he could have been selling auto parts. Yeah. Well, the kid's logic was, okay, I look like the logo with the glasses and the mustache. No, we know Hawaii Pep. We agree that you do look like a Pep boy. We said that it was good. Okay, okay. So let me ask you this.

Your mom says that you're not funny. How do you make your money again? Remind me. I work at a warehouse. What's in the warehouse? Copper wire. Wow. That might be one of the saddest answers.

What are they housed? What's in there? It's just copper wire. Okay. And where is the copper wire going to? Who's coming to get it and what are they getting it for? Well, other customers who are, like, construction companies. Right.

And use the Copper Wire for, like, you know, for buildings. Are you guys the go-to Copper Wire warehouse in Los Angeles? One of the ones, yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, no, I'm familiar. I'm a ginger. I call my pubes Copper Wire. Sorry.

I shouldn't have wedged that one in there. Tony hates that shit. What's the Pep Boys fucking slogan? Are you Googling it? I tried to find it. I would have made something happen. Do you even know what it is? Did they used to do it to you?

Wait, this guy knows. Oh, say it again. Cars like us, people love us. Oh, it's Logan. Spin that. Spin it. That's fucked up. No.

It's too late now. All right, Manuel. Well, anything else crazy happen this week that you want to share about? Spin that. Spin it. That's fucked up. No. It's too late now. All right, Manuel. Well, anything else crazy happen this week that you want to share about? I bought La La Land and they started making fun of me at Target. Who's they? Who started making fun of you? Yeah.

The Target employees made fun of you? Yeah, because they had that exclusive three disc edition. What the fuck? And you couldn't say no. This guy is the most accidentally hilarious human being in the entire world. He doesn't know why or what the fuck. I don't think he knows. I think he sort of gets it. Exclusive, like more than what, like everything about that offer got you fired.

You were like, if only I had a pube to pull out. Well, I took my mom to go see it, and we liked it. I bought it. The Blu-ray, yeah. You've already seen the movie in a theater. You bought the three disc DVD. Did that come in a box with a dildo? What color ray would this be?

That'd be rainbow ray. Rainbow ray! Just R-A-Y- That'd be rainbow ray. Rainbow ray! Just R-A-Y-N-B-O. Rainbow. All right, that is... So your mom loves that movie. So would she prefer... If you were like, I'm going to do musical theater now,

would she be all about that? I don't know, man. Yeah. Well, let's call her. I got her number right here. Do you still live with your mom? Yeah, you can tell, huh? Yeah, well, I mean, it'd be weird if you had her come over

just to pull the hair out of your nutsack. Had to take a flight. There he goes, everybody. Manuel Herrera. Hey, Manuel! Once again, very funny. Yeah. Very honest.

He's a funny guy. Honest. I even gave him an extra question. He comes out with three discs set of La La Land. I don't know. Somebody's got to make a t-shirt with the Pet Boys logo and the, you know. I fucking love that guy. Whatever that is. It's a pretty good one

for a kid. Alright. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun? You want to do this again? Want to keep going? I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun? You want to do this again? You want to keep going? I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some fucking noise for Jonathan Galeano. Woo! Jonathan?

Good one. Anybody moving up there? Here he comes. No, that's Manuel Herrera. He's back! He heard Mother Herrera. He's back. He heard Mother's song and came right back. All right.

Brown listed. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This person definitely seems like they're not here. Dope Man. Dope Man. Please be here. Please be here. Yes. Yes't man. Please be here. Please be here. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Hell yeah. I've waited four fucking years for this shit. I start. Fuck it. Four fucking

years to get on this motherfucking mic. All these white people. I feel like I'm about to be sold into slavery in this motherfucker. God damn. I haven't been this shocked since I went to West Hollywood sucking on a popsicle and accidentally made eye contact with another dude. He looked at me. Yes, fat man. Eat that popsicle.

Yes. I left so quick. Ran up some stairs and shit fucking crazy how do you how do you what do you say to your nephew who's racist what do you what do you say to that what are you watching the news 10 people shot dead that's sad no it isn't uncle why isn't it because all the 10 people that got shot were white it's's like, that's fucked up. But it's true. Four fucking years. I can't believe this shit. My grandma recently, she got shot six times.

My grandma got shot six times with penicillin. She'd be alright. There you go, Dope Man. Four motherfucking years. Four years of coming to this show, signing up for a bucket that's completely randomized, and after four years of sitting here, obviously, throughout

every hour and a half, 209 hour and a half long episodes, the first words out of your mouth into the microphone were, should I start now? Obviously, you've been paying attention in the four years that you've been hanging out, Dope Man.

What's interesting is that next month is the four-year anniversary, so I love that you showed up a little bit early, held down the fort. Come back in four years. Nobody knows more about belly room than a guy shaped like you, Dope Man. Well, his name is Dope Man. He looks more like the Kool-Aid Man. Second of all, really happy Suge Knight could join us tonight.

Dope Man is an interesting name. Are you the Pillsbury Dope Man? My real name is Brandon Briggs. You know, I talked to you a couple times. Okay, yeah. Tony? Brandon Briggs. Now, that's a cool name.

Why you switch to dope? Because he's a brick. I've been coming here so long, I get bored, so I just put random names. Sometimes I put, like, seven names down and see what happens. You do? No wonder it took four years. You forgot your goddamn name. Probably.

That's an interesting way of doing it. And even when you sign up for seven random names, sometimes you don't get on. Don't get on. Oh, wow. You just have the worst luck. What were some of the other names you went with? McBig Dick. That's what I got up on a potluck.

McBig Dick. I like that. I put Gravy Boat. Gravy Boat. Warren Sapp. Black Man, of course. Black Cat. Nah, that's not.

That motherfucking leg's too small. Uncle Phil. Actually, Carl Winslow from Family Matters. Oh, nice. Young Carl Winslow. Yeah. That's a good one. Trans Precious.

Yeah, Trans Precious. I eat a lot of trans fats. Yeah. Hooties, brother. You get a Blocking the Moonlight. That's a good one. How long have you been doing comedy? About three and a half years.

Nice. You started here? Tried. So you came here when you weren't even doing comedy. Four fucking years ago. Well, I mean, I'm from Los Angeles, and I just, you know, I was like, you know, I got child support. I was like, what the fuck? You got child support?

Yeah, that shit will make you do stand-up. That shit will make you do stand-up. Really? How many? Yeah. I got one child, and right now my back pays up to $24,000. What does that mean? That means I haven't paid so long that it racked up to $24,000.

Oh. Oh, boy. You got to start selling some dope, man. You know that show doesn't pay, right? You know what? That's why I like robbing people. How do you start to chip away at that? What do you mean?

How do I get money? It's called not paying it ever. Oh, I mean the child support. I got a wife and I got another life. Oh, cool. Yeah, fuck that kid. No, no, no. I give her money.

I give her... Child support ain't got nothing. No, no, no, no. I go. I give her. I give her child support. And you got a new life, man. Child support ain't got nothing to do with the kid, though. Oh, of course it don't. Because the courts get a percentage and they just fucking you. So, yeah, they get a little bit of that. They get a little bit. Most of it goes to the kid.

No, Tony. I mean, I mean, let me put it to you this way. Dope man. Clearly you are eating well. What's this kid's situation? No, I give her money personally. Off the books. Yeah, because what happened was she filed child support because I filed joint custody.

And so she couldn't leave with the child. So she did that out of spite. Of course, a guy that goes by Dope Man wants joint custody. No coincidence. Yeah. Well, that's fucked up because you're going to end up what? They're going to end up coming after you. No, no, no.

I pay enough so I won't go to jail. I still pay, but I just can't make it. Wow. They want an unorthodox. How do you make money? Oh, I do security. I do security. Robbing people.

I give blood. I give plasma. You give blood? You give plasma. You give blood? You give plasma. How much does plasma pay? Enough for an eighth. It used to be $80. You look like a blood. That's like $40, $35, $40. You give blood. Do you ever give crip?

Nothing? You guys are tired. We beat you to death tonight, didn't we? Running out of energy out there. Sons of bitches. We beat them to shreds. What do you do security at? Rite Aid right now in the hood. Rite Aid?

Rite Aid in the hood? Oh, shit. What's some crazy shit that you've seen go down there? Oh, man, you shit. Come on. Bus is head wide open to the white meat and shit. To the white meat? What does that mean?

Chicken? I've seen brains before. I've seen brains. I've seen broken bones. I've seen death. I've seen a lot of shit. What? Yeah.

At the right end. No, no, no. But I've been doing security for like 12 years. So what happened at the white meat? The white meat. I'm still confused on that. Okay. A person came to the right end.

They would jump. They slipped and fell, and they cracked their head open. On the white meat. I'm still confused on that. Okay, a person came in a ride and they would jump. They slipped and fell and they cracked their head open. On the white meat? And it bust their head to where you see the white meat. Oh! That's not bad. Did everyone know that? You walked right in there.

I had no clue that was. That's what we're calling it. Good thing they sell Neosporin. You saw the white meat. All light. I've never heard of that. We're all white on the inside. I didn't know it was called that Brandon Bricks

So do you do a lot of stand up now? Too much Really is that true? I'm getting those shows everywhere They book me all over the world All over the world I get booked in my living room Are you writing a lot? Where do you put your material from? I get booked in my living room. That's where I get it. All right.

Are you writing a lot? Where do you pull your material from? What? He's talking about your shirt. Where do you pull that material from? That's a lot of material. Is that some kind of a – Did you get that when you were working security at Target?

No. I got that same tent. Did you steal that from Paddington Bear? Yeah. That's funny. He's adorable, man. He is adorable. That was a compliment.

Do you ever go bullfighting with that thing? El Fatador? Wait, but do you talk about the child support situation? Huh? Do you talk about the child support situation? I used to. I did that at the beginning. It got played out.

I mean, I made so many child support jokes. It was ridiculous. Like what? Like, you know what comes out of a woman besides a baby? Huh? Child support paper. Oh, okay. Hey, why'd the baby cross the road?

Because it was starving. That's one, right? Hey, I just flew in and boy, is my child tired because he's malnutrition. Knock, knock. Who's there? Who's there? The dad paying for any of your things. There he goes.

Dope man, everybody. Brandon Briggs. Dope man. Dope man. Yeah, that's him. That is tonight's episode of Kill Tony. Wow. Look at the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel.

How about that? While all you sat there being lazy, Ryan J. Ebeld drew tonight's episode. He's a freak. He looks especially proud of this one. It's available at ryanjebeld.com. John Reap, you have a new Netflix special coming out in August with a bunch of other friends of ours.

Yes. Sarah Tiana will be on it. Brad Paisley, others. Check it out in August. What I love about Netflix is they don't have a fucking choice. They're going to see it no matter what. That's right.

Adam Ray. Check out my podcast about last night with Brad Williams. And my show Return of the Mac on Pop TV, 830 Wednesdays. I had so much fun with him. Did you do the comedy jam on TV too? No. Hopefully next season. Yeah, I'm sure you will.

Catch him on Wednesdays. You can see Jeremiah on the goddamn comedy jam. Jeremiah! You can see Jeremiah on Kill Tony. You can see Jeremiah and Pat Reagan Comedy Jam. Jeremiah! You can see Jeremiah on Kill Pony. You can see Jeremiah and Pat Reagan on all the Death Squad shows. You can see Jeremiah on the Roast Battle. And you can even catch Jeremiah on the most recent episode of my interview podcast, The Pony Hour, which is getting very fun reviews today.

Jeremiah, what else? Yes, please listen to The Pony Hour. And also reach out to me on social media At Jeremiah Standup Reach out to him, he actually responds Patty Reagan has a couple of my favorite comedy music albums ever Out right now Pat Reagan, Smells Like Shit, and Bad Chad

And that's all available at SoundCloud, iTunes, a bunch of fun stuff Spotify Check out Reagan and Watkins live on the Death Squad show on Wednesday. Let's see how loud this place can get for one of my favorites, the great Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. Motherfucking Joelberg on the beat. The great Ali Makowski did it again.

So many tour dates. If you live anywhere in America, I'm coming to where you live. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for those dates. If you live anywhere in America, I'm coming to where you live. And so go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for those dates. Brian Redband. See you later. Bye, everybody.

Have a good night, live audience. Thank you. Love you. Good night. Good night. The hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the hip, the black, to the white, the red, and the brown, and the purple, and yellow But first I gotta bang, bang the boogie to the boogie Say up, jump the boogie to the bang, bang boogie Let's rock, you don't stop Rock the rhythm that'll make your body rock

So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so And that's called the call Always. you you