KILL TONY - KILL TONY #211

Episode Date: May 16, 2017

Sklar Brothers, Jeremiah Watkins, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 05/08/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Don't forget to go to deathsquad.tv for everything Kill Tony. Not only do we have video portions to a lot of the shows, we also have tour dates. Just click on tour dates, and you can see where Kill Tony is next. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world-famous comedy store,

we always go on the road, and we're coming to the Skank Fest in July. Into July, we'll be there. It's already sold out, so you're screwed. So. And we're coming to the Skank Fest in July. Into July we'll be there. It's already sold out, so you're screwed. So I don't know what to tell you. But we have a bunch of new dates and stuff about to be announced. So always go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com.

There he has all the other stuff he does. He has tour dates. He has merch. He's got other podcasts. Check it out. TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebel is the house artist. He draws every episode.

He has the Kill Tony poster for sale, the new one. And he also draws every episode and sells prints of it. Go to RyanJEBelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Hats, hoodies, shirts, everything. Go to ShopSquad.TV and help us support us. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hinchcliffe. Hey, everybody. Hi. Come on. Make some noise. It's Monday night. Who has more fun than us on a Monday night, right? Everybody has fun here on Mondays. Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world. Comedians, how are you guys doing tonight? You ready to have some fun? These lucky motherfuckers. Brian Redband is here, everybody. What's up, guys? Okay. Make some noise for Redband. Jesus Christ. Ryan J. Ebelt drawing tonight's episode. While you all sit there being lazy, this guy's

drawing already, already masterfully. All those prints are available at ryanjebel.com including the new Kill Tony poster which is awesome. There's that. That's all available at ryanjebel.com too. Life is good. Brian, what's going on? Not much, man. I just got a new car. Living off that high right now.

Sweet. I'm super pumped. LA Speedweed. We L.A. Speedweed. We love you guys. And fuck yeah, there's an L.A. Speedweed guy over there. If you need weed, you can just get it off L.A. Speedweed if you're in L.A. Call L.A. Speedweed. We'll be going to the Skank Fest next month in New York City.

Yep. So I know there's a lot of comics coming to that. Yep. It's already sold out, completely sold out, our show in New York. But you can win tickets by following Skank Fest and other certain giveaways that they have. So that's available. Let's bring out our guest. Yeah, let's do that.

Or should we bring out the band? Is the band ready? No. Okie dokie. Five no's somehow. There's only three people in the band, but there was five no's on that. Okay, I got that, Josh. Thank you. Wow.

I'm going to bring up tonight's guest. Put your hands together for the great Randy Sklar, ladies and gentlemen. Come on! One half of the Sklar brothers. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Jason on his way. Jason is on his way.

For some reason, you two don't travel together. What the fuck? I travel by horse. Hello. We just don't have enough water up here, guys. Can we please get some fucking water up here? Jesus Christ. I'll take one of those.

This is the fucking reason we had a drought, this fucking show. God damn it. Make some noise for the motherfucking Sklar brothers, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, bitch, make it. Two of the funniest comedians in the world. Make it. We just had so much fun together at Moon Tower. We were at Moon Tower.

We hosted this three-hour ping pong tournament that we commentated. He hung with us and, of course, pinging and ponging it like no other. Nailed it. We were amazing. We roasted the shit out of innocent people that were just playing ping pong. When you say innocent people, you mean Chinese people. Yeah. It was ping pong.

There was a guy that looked like the guy that got dragged off the United flight. He did. And I made a joke about it. And then he played into it. He laid down on the ground like that. Yeah. He laid down on the ground. That was the guy who was coming to move the tables.

He laid down on the ground. And then he sued you. He sued you and United. The weird part about that, he's flying first class for the rest of his life on United just because of your joke. That's so great. Definitely. We make dreams come true.

I love it. Is the band ready? All right, I'll take that silence as a big fat yes. How many actual Kill Tony fans are out there tonight? All right. Then you probably know that my favorite part of the show is the band. I love them with all my heart. Put your hand.

They always come out to something different every week, some type of crazy thing. I never know what they're going to do. So here they are again this week. Let's see how loud this place can get. For the Kill Tony band, Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel, Joelberg

Jimenez. They are completely pirates. Holy shit. Wow. I don't even know how to describe it. They all have eye patches. It's great to be here with the Sklarb. Arr. I love that you're pirates and not one of your hooks are good in any of your songs.

Thank you. I love it. Fucking real pirates. Jeremiah putting on the sacks with a hook. Wow. I didn't realize that they had so much food on the ship that you were on, Jeremiah. Look at that. Look at that gut.

Jesus. Man. Tony, you mentioned the hook. You're talking about his nose, right? Not one of them dressed as Andrew McCutcheon. I think that's a missed opportunity. Sports joke for two people out there. I feel very welcome here.

Thank you for having me. Wow, Jeremiah, eating a lot of the chicken of the sea, huh? Eating a lot of booty. A pirate's booty. That's a joke for people with kids. I get that. And obviously Joel Jimenez is a pirate that got stuck off on the island of Jamaica for a little while. Clearly dreadlocks under his pirate.

He's the spring break pirate. You look like a pirate that got... Norwegian cruise lines. I stand on the deck and count crows. Joel looks like the only guy that performed at the Fyre Festival. Joel looks like the only guy at Burning Man that won't take his clothes off. Thankfully. Well, that's the kind of fun that we're going to have tonight.

That's just the motherfucking band. How about that? You guys know how the show works. I have a bucket full of comedians' names. They all signed up for the opportunity to do 60 seconds on the show here tonight. What was that song, Jeremiah? What in the world were you playing? I can only play three notes with one hand.

It's going to be a lot of that song all night. It's not Careless Whisper, it's Careless Whee. I have a feeling nobody's going to want to pirate any of your tracks tonight. Taking some of our jokes, leave some for us, please. Jesus.

We have some stuff planned for later if you would cool it with the pirate references. Alright. Sorry about that. We will crowdfund for your hand, though. I appreciate that. Oh, I fucking love you guys so much.

I have a bucket full of comedians' names. Some are comedians. Sometimes people just sign up for the opportunity. Sometimes they're a fan of the show, and they just think that they're funnier than other humans, and they try 60 Seconds. By the way, sometimes it works. Yeah. So we were at Moon Tower. We saw the live one, and there was two brothers, one who was a comedian and the other one who wasn't.

And the guy who wasn't was way better than the one who was. Totally. That is a quiet car ride home. Yeah, definitely. It truly, I mean, that was an amazing episode. If you haven't listened to the episode, Austin, Texas, Moon Tower 207. I do believe we're 206. 207.

Awesome, 207. I have a bucket full of comedians' names. You guys know how it works. If you don't, I pull a name out, and they get to perform 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sweet sound of a kitten. Aw, you hear that? That means wrap it up then. Don't go any longer, or else you're going to anger the angry West Hollywood bear.

Whoa. Wow. Arr, that meanness. Help stop forest fires Was that the slogan Help stop forest fires I think it was only you can prevent forest fires Help stop is like a way more Mediocre approach

It's like you don't have to really stop them. Just, you know, act like you're interested in helping. It's not your, let's make the responsibility and spread it around like a fire. It's not all on you. If you throw a cigarette on the ground, fuck it. Just try and help, like, do this a little bit. Step on it.

Create an oxygen push on top of it. I believe that's how, yeah, it's blow it out. Blow out. Always blow out the forest fire if you start one. Only you can help blow out forest fires. So let's fucking do it. You guys ready to start the goddamn show or

what? Everything is in place. You are at the number one live podcast in the world. Every time that song. Okay, the first person that gets to perform an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight. Davy Jones!

Nope, false alarm. No Davy Jones. Put your hands together for Callie, everybody. Callie, everybody. Callie? Wrong word to keep it going on. Wow. Whoops. Put your hands together for Callie, everybody. Come on.

Wow. It's like that song knows me personally. It's great. Guys, I have a problem with men not going down on women. That's probably just me, right? Yeah, it's probably just me. I think it's me because I don't like to shave. Because, yeah, I like to see men suffer. You know what I mean? Like, when they're like face to bush,

you know what I mean? They're like, oh, but you look so cute in your pictures. Welcome to 1975. Now, I used to be very self-conscious. I used to be very self-conscious I used to be very self-conscious about that but now I'm a grown woman you know I'm just like you eat that shit you eat that shit like you mean it they never call me back that's that's why I'm here guys uh yeah thank you very much thank you fuck yeah Callie

50 seconds of Callie what's that accent what are you I am Dominican Thank you very much. Thank you. Fuck yeah, Callie. 50 seconds of Callie. What's that accent? What are you? I am Dominican. Dominican. Yarr, I hate Dominicans. Oh, wow.

Wow, that came from over there. Wow, she's going to crash her car and die in an accident at some point. That is the Dominican way. She is a pirate of the Caribbean. I wouldn't let a Dominican sweep the poop deck. Hey. Wow. Jeremiah's really rocking the boat over there.

Would you let her eat your bush? Your giant bush? I mean, do you like when men, do you really like when men go down and eat you out? Is that a big thing for you? Yes, it is, actually. And do you have an un men go down and eat you out? Is that a big thing for you? Yes, it is actually. And do you have an unkempt,

but is that, is all this true? Well, I actually, I like to call it the Hitler because, because, because it's killed 6 million Jews. You said the magic word.

Tonight's episode, if you say the word Hitler. Cause it's hidden in a bunker. if you say the word Hitler. Because it's hidden in a bunker. And also because Jews don't want to go near it. And it's on the History Channel every night because there are rumors that it committed suicide 50 years ago.

No, I shave the sides and leave a little mustache on top. So you enjoy the grooming down below. So it's a Hitler, not a Bush. on top. Okay. Alright. So you enjoy the grooming down below. Yeah. So it's a Hitler, not a Bush. Yeah, it's a Hitler. So it's not a truthful joke. I mean, ultimately, it's not a truthful joke. You were going for what

you thought would be funny. No, it's very bushy. Right. That one little piece is very bushy. Alright, let's see it and make a decision. No, so, okay. Leave it to a Dominican to try to make an illegal landing strip. You know what I mean? That's just drug smuggling 101.

Come on. How long have you been doing comedy? Too long now. Really? Yeah. How long? Eight years. Eight years.

In New York. In New York. In New York. So what do you want your persona to be? Are you sort of, you'll say whatever. Does that, you know, like you don't mind telling a guy. Yeah, I like to be in the moment mostly. Dominicans love having sex. Do you talk about sex a lot?

Is a lot of your stuff sex? I try to avoid it, but yes, I do. Are you like horny all the time? I am. Right. like horny all the time? I am. So here's my question. Dominican culture feels like, is it a male-dominated culture? Do they like their women to be funny?

No. See, that to me is an interesting thing. They hate it. Wait, you're not Dominican. No. No, I'm going to die alone. I have a question. Oh, you have a question?

Why is there a pinky hanging out of your hook? Okay, go ahead with your question, Jeremiah. I was just curious. How long have you been in the Bruno Mars cover band? Fuck, man. I knew there was something. I was trying to think of it, and that's exactly what it is. It's so good.

Because I'm Tom Funk, I'm going to give it to you. That's a Bruno Mars song, believe it or not. That is a jam. Brian likes to pick the unfamous songs from people. Wait, wait. Why do you think you're going to die alone? You're so cute. I feel like you're articulate, funny.

Yeah, because Dominican men don't like funny men. You got to go with a Jew. You got to do something different. Don't get with a Dominican. Do you have to get with a Dominican man? Your eyes are very, wow. You guys are. Uh-oh.

You should see what their eyes look like next to a Hitler bush. Exactly. My eyes next to a Hitler Bush. We just plead for our grandparents' lives. What is your preference? What's your favorite type of guy? You know, someone that will take care of me. Yeah, that's good.

Money. Okay. Not just money. Do you like the bloons? All right. Come on. I've got a fistful of the bloons. Like you have a boyfriend right now?

No. So, like, what type of guys have you been hanging out with lately? Oh, God. I went out with this Muslim dude. Oh, okay. I hate the Muslims. Come on. They don't mind munching on carpet at all.

Yeah, but. I don't know. Bush and Muslims don't go together. It was not good. Why wasn't it good? Because he wanted me to be like, oh. You went from one culture that does not respect women to another culture that really doesn't respect women.

He woke you up at 5 in the morning and you were like, are we going to have sex? And he was like, no, we're going to pray. Arr. Just throw an R in there at the end. No, that's what he said. That's literally how he said it. And read the Koran.

Koran. I've always got me boys putty-riggins back. How long have you been in L.A. for? Six months. Six months. Six months. Have you dated somebody out here, or was this out here when you dated this last guy? Yeah, the last guy was here, the Muslim guy.

What made you say that he wanted you to be more, ooh, like, what does that, how do you? Because he said it. He was like, I like my women to be like this, and you have to be like this for me to. How did you fuck it up? Did you stay? No, I'm saying in a good way. How did you fuck it up?

Did you speak out of turn too many times or what happened? You took the blanket off your head? Yes. I was just like. Metaphorically. Yeah. I was like, fuck you. I'm doing whatever I want.

That's right. You know, Muslim men love to hear that from their women. Yeah. That's the problem with women these days. All right. They have their own opinion and voices. Are you a. So are you politically speaking, are you a Dominican Republican? Just a joke.

These guys aren't pirates. They work for Breitbart. Breitbart. How far did you get with the Muslim guy? Only a week. One week. Wait, I mean like did you have sex the Muslim guy? Only a week. One week. Wait, I mean like, did you have sex with him? I did.

Of course you did. The problem was it was during Ramadan. He was so hungry. No, that was the thing. He got me that way. He was like, I'm going to eat all of it. And then he never even saw it. He was fasting for Ramadan.

He never saw it? You should have told him it was hummus flavored down there. Hey. He tricked me, man. He tricked me. Well, I think this to me is fascinating because you are really, you actually, you're really cute and I think you, again, have this like

great persona. I want you to go down the path of talking about truth. Why it's impossible for you. Did somebody say go down? Yeah, wait. Joel Berg. of talking about why it's impossible for you. Did somebody say go down? Yeah, wait on. Joel Berg. Well, that's interesting stuff, Callie. Did you move here permanently?

Yep. Interesting. Are you doing a lot of comedy since moving here? Yes, I am. What do you do for work? I just got a job today. What's the new job? Playing Elian Gonzalez. Sushi restaurant.

Sushi? Sushi. I feel like I failed at life. Why? Because I'm a comic. Now I have to actually work. So you like it raw. Oh, come on.

All right. That's me matey, Potter Reagan. But she does smell like fish, so you guys should like that. Hey, in a good way, from work. Fuck you. Fuck everyone in this room. What are you doing at the sushi restaurant? Server.

Server. All right. Okay. I think you're an interesting person, and I think your view, again, being from a culture where that doesn't allow, really doesn't celebrate women speaking their minds the way you're doing it. I want to hear more about that. Like, how does your dad feel about what you do?

Oh, he loves it. He loves it. Oh. Except when I tell that story about him peeing on me. What? Oh. Oh. Your dad sounds like a gentleman.

Your dad's, argh, Kelly. Yeah. Joel Jimenez on that one. Did that happen? That did not happen. Did that happen? R. Kelly. Anybody?

It was by mistake. Joel Jimenez again with the R. Kelly joke from a pirate. R. Kelly. Real talk. Anyway. That's where you would start a Joel Berg chant if you were a good crowd. Callie, let me ask you, what the fuck do you mean your dad peed on you? Oh, God.

It was by mistake. The lights go off a lot in the Dominican Republic. Yes. This is funny. And so he opened the door and he was like, he really had to go. He didn't know I was already on the toilet. Yes. Oh, shit.

This is funny. I'm from on the toilet. Yes. Oh, shit. This is funny. I'm from the Dominican Republic. The lights go out in the Dominican Republic. You've already got it. You've already got it. I grew up in the Dominican Republic. How am I supposed to find love? Because the one model I have to bet is my father, and he peed on me.

Boom, you're into that story. That's a great bit. It's a good story. That's a good bit. It's truthful. That's why it's. It's a good story. That's a good bit. It's truthful. That's why it's good. He said X marks the spot. That's another part.

Well, Callie, awesome stuff. It was so nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on the show. I hope it was fun and informative. Nice. There she goes. There she goes. Callie, K-A-L-I.

Catch her on Twitter. She's CallielandTV. She shook my hand and handed me a plastic doubloon. Is that weird that she picked up off the floor? She palmed it, too. Thinking of a new design for the bush. She gave you some booty. That's right.

Didn't realize she was into gold and showers. Oh. That's right. Hey. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Mike Diaz. You know, everyone's talking about the Marvel Universe, but nobody gives credit to the Looney Tunes universe, guys.

Looney Tunes started out... I mean, Looney Tunes Universe. Guys. Looney Tunes Looney Tunes started out I mean, Looney Tunes was progressive as fuck, right? Like Bugs Bunny might have been the first trans woman on television and possibly fucked Elmer Fudd?

I don't know. And I mean, I guess people probably don't talk about it as much because Looney Tunes is also really racist. When they started out, it was really racist. What's crazy is they just bounced back. They went from being super racist to just playing basketball with Michael Jordan. Bill Murray was there.

They all had a ton of fun. I don't know. Good stuff. Thanks, guys. I don't know. I mean, yeah, good stuff. Thanks, guys. I'm Mike Diaz. When you say good stuff, what are you talking about? You said good stuff at the end to sort of maybe lead us into saying good stuff. Oh, no.

Man, that was terrible. Thank you. Busting out some new Looney Tunes and Space Jam jokes on us. There might be another Space Jam, though. It might come back around. You took the microphone out of the stand,

is what it's called. Like I thought you were going to tell some great jokes. You have some confidence. You pulled that out with confidence. Yeah. I've been working on that mostly. Yeah, you've done a great. You are nailing the shit out of that.

Let's be honest. Thanks. Okay, I'll start working on the jokes now. Yeah, you got the mic out of the thing very well. Yeah. Thank you. We were all expecting more of a bang. It was like one of those guns where just the flag comes out in the end.

Like in the Looney Tunes, right? Yeah, exactly. That's all, folks. No, you were like Wile E. Coyote who had just run off a cliff. And you were running hard at the beginning, and then you just fucking dropped. And the smoke that left above you after you dropped just spelled out, yikes. Yikes. All right. above you after you dropped just spelled out yikes. Alright.

Are you a cartoon fan? Do you love like... I like those style of cartoons like Tom and Jerry, Pink Panther. There is something to it. I mean, you're right. Bugs Bunny was racist. There's a lot of fucked up shit in Bugs Bunny. Was he racist? I didn't have a problem with it. What was the most racist? Bugs Bunny himself Was he racist? I didn't have a problem with it. What was the most racist?

Bugs Bunny himself wasn't racist. They just had a lot of racist characters. Like what? Like Blackface. There's a lot of episodes that are pirate. Yeah, I knew Blackface. He was a good pirate. No, no, no.

Jeremiah's ready to rock. Come on. Erg. And Tom and Jerry also. I mean, all those cartoons, there is something to it. And I do like how you said, you know, just years later, they're playing basketball at Jordan. So there is something to that.

You just need to write it better. The premise was you made us work too hard to find the premise. Well, the world was more racist back then, let's be honest. I mean, it still is pretty racist. I would love for you to go in the other direction and tell me how much more racist it then, let's be honest. I mean, it still is pretty racist. I would love for you to go in the other direction and tell me how much more

racist it is today. Yeah. He doesn't have jokes for that. Okay, I'm sorry. Well, he didn't have jokes for this either. Man, what are you into now? What entertainment are you into now? Because Looney Tunes and all that shit. Video games now.

Let me rephrase that question. How often do you jerk off in one day? Well, I mean, I try to I have roommates who I have to cut down a lot, but before I was pushing like three a day maybe. Three a day? Three a day. Once. How far do you have to time it out? What's the reload

time? What's the reload time? Sometimes, if it's a good video, I can do two in one session. Two in one session. And do you stay hard the whole time all the way through to the next one? It's rare, but yeah, the video has to be reloaded. Overachiever. I just think that's one hell of a video.

It was to Space Jam. How many roommates do you have? Monsters! How many roommates do you have? Monsters! How many roommates do you have? I have three roommates. Three roommates. Where do you jerk off now when you jerk off? In the shower.

That you share with three other people. Well, actually, yeah, it's getting, like, I can see the shower doesn't, like, drain as fast now, and I think it might be just from consistently jerking off. That's what it's definitely from. Well, yeah, no, exactly. But the lease is going to be up in a couple months, so hopefully no one's going to figure it out. You should try Gooby Gone.

It's an old pirate trick. Man. What do you do for work, Mike? Drive for Lyft. You drive for Lyft. Do you ever jerk off in the Lyft car? I mean, not on the clock but I've jerked off while driving That is unbelievable

The old jerk and drive Oh yeah, long drives What happens to where you start jerking off while driving? You just hear Siri's voice giving you directions and you're like, fuck yeah, you dirty bitch. Tell me to go right again.

Sorry, I didn't get that. Oh. Brian Rittman. By the way, that's what everyone said after you told your first joke. Sorry. I didn't get that. How long have you been doing comedy?

Now it's about nine months. Nine months. Nine months. You're pregnant. We're about to deliver a baby. You gave birth to a bomb. Congratulations. Who do you love comedy-wise besides Tony Hinchcliffe?

I guess like Tom Segura. Yeah. Okay, so Tom Segura, that's a guy. It's interesting you bring him up because we've talked to him before. What he said is spend more time on your setups than your punchlines. I mean, I don't know if he actually said that. I'm paraphrasing. But actually, he probably didn't say that at all.

He did not say that. But he said he is the master at getting his setups really tight and really clear so you know what he's talking about. That's something if you like that, that is something to focus on. Go back and watch a special of his and watch each one of his setups and watch the economy of words and then try to do that.

I thought he said I'll take a number six. No onions, no tomatoes. Okie dokie. He did. He did. If you're going to talk about Looney Tunes being racist, I would throw in a line giving somewhat of an example. Say that. Don't make us think, how was it racist?

Say if it's even just like they'd be in blackface or whatever. I think you've got to go for it. Like when so-and-so called someone a chink or something like that. Yeah, exactly. Say the N-word-so called someone a chink or something like that. Yeah, exactly. Say the N-word. A lot. Do it a lot. No, right now. Say it. No, don't do it. No, no, no.

Yes, go hard on the R. Yes. Hard R. Patty Reagan. Man, that was you? Everybody's sitting home runs. Jeremiah. That's a, again, they're dressed as pirates,

so a hard R reference is literally worth a thousand points at this point. Hard R and an R. Kelly joke from Joel Sofar. That's right. Sofar. Sofar. All right, Mike. Well, you've been on the show a few times. Has it ever gone good for you? right, Mike. Well, you've been on the show a few times. Has it ever gone good for you?

No, actually. I didn't think so. Well, it was nice. You gave it another shot. You're not quitting. Nine months in, not bad. At least you're consistently not improving. Short setups.

Get your point across. I think you got some good notes. Awesome. There he goes. Mike Diaz, everybody. He's on Twitter at NotMikeDiaz, which is interesting. NotMikeD He's on Twitter at not Mike Diaz Which is interesting Not Mike Diaz on Twitter

The Joey Coco Diaz Of nine months I shook his jerk off hand Now my shower doesn't work That's the power of twins That's the power of twins I shook his hand and Randy felt it It's the power of twins

It's the power. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Julian Fernandez. Oh. Oh. Hey, everybody. I don't want you guys being confused looking at me, trying to figure out what exactly I am. I know I look confusing. I look very swollen. I don't want you guys being confused looking at me trying to figure out what exactly I am.

I know I look confusing. I look very swollen. I get it. I just want you guys to know I'm not Hawaiian. I'm not Native American. I'm also not a very butch lesbian. I want to get out of the way, too. I get the confusion there. I have this haircut. I pull off this jacket. I know my body type. But I want you guys to know I'm actually 100% Mexican. 100%. Thank you. But I'll let you guys know, I'm actually 100% Mexican. 100%. Thank you. That's all right.

At this point in our country, I'm fine with silence being the response to that statement. It's either cheers or silence. If I get booze, I'm like, guys, I'm Hawaiian. Mahalo. It's all good. No. I am Mexican 100%. I know I don't really come off it very much.

I don't look it. I've struggled with that my entire life. Growing up, I never felt like I belonged in my culture. I always felt like an outsider. And my friend told me that's because I was whitewashed, which I don't agree with that at all. I just feel like there's things about me that don't come off very Mexican. I'll give you guys some examples.

Number one, I'm really light-skinned, which is a huge deal. Because growing up, brother and sister a little darker than me would always tease me and try their hardest to convince me I was actually white and adopted. And I believed them. I don't know why you're clapping for that, but you know what? My time's up, guys. Give it up.

Whoa, whoa. The bear. That bear is crazy. I like this guy. Yeah. I'm going to say this. I liked your presence on stage. I liked the premise you were going to. I just wanted you to get there guy. Yeah. I'm going to say this. I liked your presence on stage. I liked the premise you were going to.

I just wanted you to get there quicker. Just get there quicker. The premise of being an outcast in the Mexican society for being too white. Yeah. Let's get to a joke quicker. Yeah, you're not whitewashed. You're wetback. You just want a bunch of one-man shows.

There you go. There you go. Well, I have one note on it. Your brother and sister built a wall around you and made you pay for it, right? Who's your favorite comedian? John Leguizamo? What the hell are these notes?

Look, I think... I have no idea what that means. By the way, you definitely look Mexican. You do look Mexican, but you look like someone took a Mexican and stretched him out.

You look like a Mexican that ran face-first into the wall that he paid for himself. Stone Mexican. You look like you swallowed a bunch of seawater. Yeah. You look like you averaged nine blocks in a Mexican pickup basketball game. You know what I mean? The ultimate question is, and I don't know if you can tell from where you're sitting, people, but let me ask it.

What the fuck is that mustache you're trying to do something with? It's like a seven-year-old Mexican. You probably can't tell from where you're sitting, but it's very long and very thin. I just haven't shaved. That's all that is. You just don't shave?

Yeah, I just haven't shaved. Oh, you haven't shaved. But you shave other parts of your face. No, nothing grows. It's just like that. It just grows there? How long is that? You have the first girl's bush of your face. No, nothing grows. It just grows there? How long is that? You have the first girl's bush on your face right now.

How many days is that? How long have you grown? This is like a couple weeks. Wow. You need to shave that. Wow. I've never seen a guy that's 100% Mexican not trim more hedges than you. All right.

What do you do for work, Julian? What? What do you do for work, Julian? What? What do you do for a living? I'm a tour guide at Universal. A tour guide? Yeah. You can barely open your eyes. How the fuck are you a tour guide?

It's like it's over there, I think. I can't really... Where at? Universal Studios. What's the ride that you mostly do? The Dirty Sanchez. The whole tour. The whole tour.

So you're used to getting up and talking in front of people and addressing. I felt that. I felt what I liked is that you felt like you were in the moment. When the crowd reacted one way, you didn't stick to this material. For a guy who looks like he's suffering

from severe alcohol poisoning and bloating, you seem to handle yourself pretty well. And also, for those of you listening to the podcast, he just started sweating profusely in the last about 80 seconds. He's sweated an entire can of Tecate. You look like Sacagawea

just walked out of an Urban Outfitters. You're soaking wet right now. I loved you, by the way. I loved you in Moana. I think you should say that by the way I loved you in Moana I think you should say that more often I loved me in Moana Maybe that's better than I'm not Hawaiian I'm not Hawaiian

Aloha Do you always sweat profusely? From dusk until dawn Yes You're a wet front as well Yeah Yes I like this Yes. You're a wet front as well. Yeah. Yes.

I like this. Wow. That's a great joke. That's a great joke. Yeah, you should do it. I can't do it. You can't do it. What am I going to do? Hey, welcome, everybody.

You should have seen this guy on Kill Tony the other day. He was a Mexican that was sweating. Wet front? Actually, you probably could do that. You could probably do that. Okay, perfect. It's mine. When he does it, you should say that he. You could probably do that. Okay, perfect. It's mine. When he does it,

you should say that he stole it from you and accuse him of being a thief. How long have you been doing comedy? Going on seven years. Okay. Ooh. Your voice got deep for that. Going on seven years.

Do you get up a lot? Yes, as much as possible. Okay. Can you get discount tickets to Universal? Yeah. Honestly. Yeah. Honestly. All right, We'll talk later.

Joel Burke. You have a great voice, man. You have a really good, smooth voice. You ever run a tram on a girl? Who? Jeremiah. Craziest thing that's ever happened on one of your tours.

Craziest thing? Something that stands out to you or sometimes you did something. God, you just started sweating it. I just watched it happen. When you think it just starts bloop, like water just comes out of you. It's shocking.

It's his thinking juice. It's thinking juice. I mean, don't say it three times or else it happens again. Thinking juice. I mean, you are a Mexican tour guide, and you probably have to take around in these trams a bunch of fucking Trump supporters

who want to see your ass deported. How does that feel on a daily basis? Really, how does it feel? Do you have resentment for the people you have to be cheery-eyed and smile at? I wear sunglasses so they don't see how disinterested I am in the whole thing. Okay.

All right. You just look like the Lowrider logo. We have people that are morally corrupt. We have... Okay. morally corrupt. We have... Okay. Julian, craziest thing that's ever happened on one of your tours? Craziest thing. Norman Bates comes out when you get to the...

Oh, the Psycho House. The Psycho House. Yeah, I love that you almost forgot that it's the Psycho House, by the way. Tony, you want to start leading the tours? Norman Bates comes out of Jurassic Park. But when we were driving away, someone beamed him in the head with a water bottle. Like a full water bottle. Go back to Mexico.

That was for you. That was for you. They missed you. Just had bad arms. But someone just beamed him. Wow. Just a good arm. Just all the way in the back.

So I wasn't able to see exactly. Is that a person? All I see is this water bottle fling at him. And it's a person. Yeah, a person. Who's an actor who's playing Norman Bates. And he gets hit in the head. It's got to be one of the worst acting gigs in the entire city. That guy just waits for a bus to go by and then he has to slowly walk out.

And then he starts chasing the bus, right? Then Michael Caine comes out and says, Muster Bates. Is that true? Is that really what happened? Wait, the human being in the audience just threw something at Pat Reagan. Hey, get the fuck out of here, you son of a bitch. This is not Muppet Baby, sir.

You can't throw things at the comedian. This guy's got a basket of tomatoes over here. Fucking dumbass Sacramento audience. Speaking of tomatoes, back to you, sweaty wop. Do you ever get high? Yeah. Do you get high during the tours? Have you been high on a tour? No, not at Universal. I used to work at

Disneyland. I would get high there. In front of kids. I was a character at Disneyland. Who were you? I don't want to say too much because it'll give... Shut up. What the fuck are you talking about? Crush the Turtle from Finding Emo. I did his voice in Puppeteerdom.

Wow. And you were high the whole time. I would usually be high. Because that's a good high voice. Can you give an example of that? Whoa, dude. That sounds nothing like that character at all. Yeah.

All right. But you were high as shit. Yeah, I would. That's funny. You had some interesting jobs. Yeah. I would talk about that. Hell yeah. Yeah, dude. What's your living situation? I currently live at shit. Yeah, I would. That's fine. You've had some interesting jobs. Yeah. I would talk about that. Hell yeah.

Yeah, dude. What's your living situation? I currently live at home. Dead. With your parents? What? No. Yeah, with family, yeah.

Wow. Big family? The Fernandez's? Not usually a small family? Like five people in the house. Five people? Yeah. In any given room at any given time, five people?

In the bed. It's like a Mexican Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Charlito. Cinco de Rumo. Whatever. All right, Julian, we'll keep rocking. There he goes. Go dry off, buddy.

Grab yourself a towel in the back of the room. Towel him off. Julian Fernandez, JJFComedy on Twitter. If you're going to sweat that much, he is wearing a T-shirt, another shirt, a sweatshirt, and a fucking thing, and it is literally 70 degrees outside. I don't have to shake their hands, do I? Why do I keep doing it? I don't know. No, I don't know why you keep doing it. I don't have to do that at all, right? No do I keep doing it? No, I don't know why you keep doing it.

I don't have to do that at all, right? No, I don't know. You have to stop doing that. I don't understand why I did that. All right, I'm done. Hey, who threw something? This guy right here. This guy in the front?

Your water bottle? This passive-looking man in the front. It was in a loving way. It was in a loving way. This guy looks like he's in the fucking The Graduate. This guy looks like he's a Wes Anderson fucking character. Give a look at his fucking H&M fucking blazer, and he's throwing shit at me.

Why don't you go fuck yourself, you piece of shit? That's how a pirate handles it. I'll rape you in the face every night. Man. Pat's doing his best Somali pirate right now. I'm the captain now.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Taylor Rizzo. Rizzo. Uh. What? Uh. Alright. So I have this really big fear of What? All right.

So I have this really big fear of falling in love with a girl who's fake. And it kind of, like, dictates the type of girls that I'm attracted to. Because, like, I've always been into girls with really big noses because, like, nobody's faking a big nose. And, like, I don't really like when girls wear a lot of makeup, which I didn't realize was such controversial stance to have until uh I got into an argument with this girl because I made a joke about it because I said, uh I can't trust you if I don't know what your face looks like She was like, oh really? What about your beard, huh? Beards are just makeup for guys And I was like no because you have to apply makeup every single day

But in order to have this beard, I can't apply myself in life at all. You know? Like, this is a natural occurrence. If I was stranded on a desert island, this is what my face would look like. But that girl, if she was stranded on a desert island, this is what her face would look like. Right?

Because she was fucking ugly. Alright, thanks a lot, guys. Fuck yes. That's how you do it. Taylor Rizzo. Look at that. What a difference of fucking how long makes. How long have you been doing this show?

Why do I feel like you started on here a long time ago or some shit, right? About two years ago, I talked to you guys about moving out and I did. And now he's opening up for Doug Benson all the time. Wow. Don't shave. Don't ever shave. Brought it all around in a minute. It was beautiful.

That's fucking awesome. I love the tape. To give you an example, when I said to that one guy earlier, has it ever gone good for you on the show? He said no, but you're one of the guys that the storyline is interesting. Over the last two years, we really watched you struggle, but definitely get better.

We've seen exponential growth from the beginning, and bringing it all together, that's a solid, super solid, one-minute joke that only you can do that's about you and the way you look. And it's about what people are thinking, and you're acknowledging acknowledging it and you're nailing it because you also are adding perspective by having it be about the girl and the makeup. Yes, I love that. That's a take that you just don't hear people saying. Like, I want someone who I know they can't fake certain things. That's a great take. It's a very

real. And you believe that. I can tell that that was real. Question about your beard. Are you the Muslim guy that wouldn't go down on Cali? No, that is literally her bush on his face. That's what she calls a Hitler mustache? She does not know her history. I know him.

He says he doesn't give Maham head. Maham head. Maham head. I'm going to be killed for that joke. I hope you guys. Mahomhead. Yes. I'm going to be killed for that joke. I hope you guys... Someone cut off his hands. Best part. The mother of all bums on that one.

Wait, I... Is Joel Berg in your cup? Joel Berg. It's the best part of waking up. You know what? I loved your... I loved your take. I would have liked to see you hit the stage with a little more energy.

As soon as you take the mic out, I think if you had a quick something, like a quick joke that pulled a laugh, gave the crowd confidence. I agree, but he likes women with big noses so much, he's going to fuck the shit out of Jeremiah in one second. Yeah. I'd like to see him try. Hook it all! A deserted island

sounds like the kind of island that Jeremiah got stranded on, except deserted being the type of meal that you eat after dinner. Desserts island. No, I mean something quick. That's all I'm saying. Like, walk out. How you guys doing? Praise Allah. Something fast.

I don't know what it would be, and that's a bad one, but you have a way. I'm spitballing. Jesus Christ. But something. You know, hello, you, you know, guitarist. I don't know. Whatever you want to say. It's a problem of mine when I first come on stage.

I get super nervous, and if I do, like do like a 15 minute set, the first 20 seconds I literally won't say anything. Just let my nerves kind of go away and it's obviously not something you can do here. I say I don't eat leftovers. I just tuck my beard in my mouth. I always opened weird in the beginning. First couple years for some reason and I thought it was part

of my thing. Like I had convinced myself and it's a waste of time. Get good at learning how to get the hit. You've just got to keep trying it. It's more fun if you look at it like you know that you're

sitting on a good opening joke. You should be thinking about that. Taylor Rizzo. That sounds like an Italian name. It sounds like a jerky boy. I'm like Taylor Rizzo. I'm the first Italian who's on a watch list. Give me your shoes. I think I am actually on a watch list. Sexual predator.

When I was in film school, I was doing a photography project and was shooting pictures of an oil tank. Like an oil rig tank. Not kids. And I had to talk to Homeland Security and prove who I was and they questioned me about being a terrorist. Oil tank. Well, that's a slick story. It's not a slick story, but I'm definitely on the watch list. Taylor, what kind of job

do you have with a beard like that? Who hires you? I build the interior visuals for Urban Outfitters in Westwood. Wow. Of course. Jesus. You look like you build the visuals for Turban Outfitters. Am I right? Because of the Middle Eastern beer? A little bit, yeah.

I agree with that. Nicely done. How about we go get some drinks right now at Bourbon Outfitters? Bourbon Outfitters. You want a little drink at Bourbon Outfitters? Is that what you said? Alright, listen to pop punk music at Suburban Outfitters. You want a little drink on bourbon outfitters? Is that what you said? All right, listen to pop punk music. It's a bourbon outfitters. Shit.

You guys get medical. Do pirates get medical attention in urban gout fitters? By far the worst one. That's a joke about a disease. Disease? Disease. All right. The only disease we know about is scurvy.

Scurvy outfitters. Keith Urban outfit. All right. Fuck Urban. That's what Nicole Kidman shops for shitty books. These jokes are worse than what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary. Kids dying. Too soon.

Kids dying. Good joke, people who don't have kids. Yeah. Time to leave class, kids. There it is. Actual audio from the event itself. Wow. Man.

Red band! event itself. Wow. Wow. Man. He's Red Band. Red Band. Red Band. What'd I do this time? All right. Well, Taylor, I mean, that was an unbelievable set. It's always so fun for me to watch people end up who I've watched many times, really show that they're growing and have a great performance on the show.

You did it. Congratulations. There he goes. Taylor Rizzo, everybody. Rizzo. He's on Twitter at Taylor Rizzo. My shoes, my glasses. Nice.

I pulled yet another name out of the bucket. It's a good set, dude. He's on a watch list, but his comedy is not. Yeah, he's on a comics not watch list. He's on the... Boo you. You guys having fun out there or what? Yeah.

Tepid. You guys have been better. You guys can do better. As an audience, it's your job I'm kidding Put your hands together for Remy Nasiri Thank you My girlfriend recently moved to San Francisco

For a job We were together every day for three years But now we see each other once every three weeks. So it takes some getting used to, as you can imagine. The first week's all right, though, because you can FaceTime and jerk off over FaceTime. The second week's a little tougher because I just want to fuck everybody in the world. And by the third week, I'm just like, where is the nearest massage parlor? Because I'm horny. But I love my girlfriend very much. And I don't want to cheat on her. so I did the one thing that all men should do

when your girlfriend goes abroad I got drunk and I ordered a fleshlight now for those of you that don't know what a fleshlight is it's billed as the best male sex toy of all time but in reality it's just a plastic vagina shaped as a torch but when you get it you learn it's a lot like a real woman because I had a name it was called Lisa I had to run in a bath I had to put some lotion out I had to put some towels down and was called Lisa. I had to run in a bath. I had to put some lotion out. I had to put some towels down. And because I had roommates, I had to put on a playlist and no one came in

having sex with a plastic vagina. But after a while with it, every time I'd come inside of it, I'd just be like, really? Is this what your life's come to, Rem? Fucking a plastic torch for the rest of your life?

And you know, it got too much for me and after a six-week period with it, I was moving out of my old apartment and I was like, nah, I'm going to leave it behind like a Jumanji book for someone else to find.

I enjoyed that life. Wow. that a lot. Wow. So many words. So little laughs. Freestyle. Remy Nasseri doing you were performing like you were on 8 Mile or something like that. Nothing was happening. And then what I did when I got sick, I just was like

I want to fuck everybody. A torch. A torch. Everyone knows what a torch is. A flashlight shaped like a torch. I felt like I was watching the streets. Yeah, it don't work. I just fucking get so nervous when you get up here. You're like, I'm psyched. I'm psyched.

And you get up here and you're like, no. You're like Jason Statham mixed with Dumbo eating like a bowl of fucking shepherd's pie. It looks like Jason Statham mixed with cancer. When did Gilbert Gottfried get over there dressed like a pirate? I loved you in powder, by the way. I mean, what do you do here? Well, you definitely have to slow down by 50%. This is a special part of the show where for the first time ever we bring out a dunk tank

and everybody in the audience gets one throw. Are you Australian? No, we've done this before one time. Oh, we did? I'm English. You're English. I was hoping you would Brexit the second you walked on stage. You never want to hear this after you perform comedy.

Well, you got it all in. Or when you're messing with a flashlight. Well, you got it all in, I guess. Do you stuff your balls into the flashlight as well? No. Do you cream pie the flashlight? I left it behind. No, you do cream pie it, yes.

You finish inside of it? You finish inside of it. And then what do you do? Dump it in that one guy's shower? Do you put it in the dishwasher and just let it run? No, you have to run it above twice before. You run it in a bath. You run it in a bath. A B-A-F. A B-A-F. You run it in a bath twice before and after. You run it in a bath. You run it in a bath.

A B-A-F. A B-A-F. You run it in the bath water. You take your bath. Take your bath. Turn the little nozzle. Get your flashlight and take your bath. Right?

A fucking bath. A fucking bath. Sometimes I just run a little bath water and then I take my flashlight and I let it steep in the bath water. And what you end up with is a cup of tea. It's so good. It's so lifelike. You just want a fucking BAFTA.

It's a British joke. You know what that is. He knows. The BAFTA's like an Emmy. Why would I want a BAFTA for best sex scene on my dick? On my fucking wanker. If you came out and did that, I would

have gone nuts. I love you. I wanted the whole time for you to get beat up by like a group of soccer hooligans. Just waiting for them to come in and just kick the shit out of you. They really shivered my timber Right Wait you can't

You can't rim shot your own joke bro That's like That's like sticking your dick in your own fleshlight You ever let any friends use your fleshlight No I did leave it It's a true story I left it behind in the apartment Where'd you

You left it behind in what In the pub No apartment In the apartment. You left it behind in what? In the pub? No, apartment. In the apartment. 117, 111 Ohio Avenue. Nobody wants to know that. Somebody tried drinking from the flashlight.

This isn't a pint. We call that evidence. I feel bad for the guy that gets stuck in that apartment and it's dark and he's like, oh, there's a flashlight. I'm going to use this to get around. Oh, shit. That's why the joke, the Jumanji box line usually works, but I was just so nervous.

I didn't hear it. Yeah, you went too fast. You were going too... It's very intimidating. You come in, you run up here and then... Totally. It is. Yeah, totally intimidating. Taylor Rizzo completely killed it right before you did.

So if you're ever wondering how impossible it is, it was six minutes before you, a guy completely nailed it. This is like one of those moments where I never, I always like, comedy's hard. It's not an easy thing to do. Anyone who thinks it's easy is way like me. I've done that joke at a regular pace, and it's worked. I just never, like, in this audience frame,

I've never did presentations as a kid, so like this part. Presentations? So where did you tell... Presentations? Presentations. I was calling it sick. I got to do a presentation tonight.

Where in England... Oh, what are you going to do for us tonight? I went to the comedy store after taking a bath, y'all, and I gave a presentation. I took a fucking bath. Hello! You have poster boy. I took a fucking bath with my fleshlight. You know my name is Simon.

In a one-teethed drawer. Are you ready to rock? I've got big balls. All right. You seem like. I've got big balls Alright So you like What I gather from it Is that you love your girlfriend And you're trying everything you can

To try and maintain your monogamy With this woman Is that That's not something that's Does that go against who you are as a person Would she be embarrassed if she knew you had it I played her the joke and she was a little annoyed but she liked the Jumanji box line so she let it slide okay well did she like the fact that you were using a fleshlight I mean that's gotta make a

movie talked about it cuz it's like the female vibrator there is a no ladies vibrators sure yeah you just did you did you have the vagina fleshlight the butt or the mouth and the mouth have bad teeth? I had Lisa Ann's vagina. He's British. He had one that had bad teeth. Yeah, exactly. It was like this. It was just flying around.

Jagged edges. Jagged edges. I ran it under the bathwater. Flying around. I ripped my horse. Singing Elvis Costello. It's a British fleshlight. It was watching the detectives

while it was giving me a blowjob. It's called a shag light. You could have killed me. Can your girlfriend understand anything you say? Because you seem like the pictorial representation. I've got this new character that's a British guy who talks like

she can't say fucking what he says. And then when he sings, he sings like representation. I've got this new character that's a British guy who talks like A.C. Cowse, that fucking way he says, right? And then when he sings, he sings like, I'm a bitch, I'm a lover. And he goes right back to fucking like, how is that, right? You're like the representation of that. He dropped the pirate voice

for that guy. I do things like that all the time. I go back and forth. Why is your name Remy Nasiri? My mom's best friend was French and my dad's Iranian. And also I'm Slytherin. Your mom's... Slytherin.

Slytherin. A Gryffindor. Okay, say that slowly, Remy. Why is your name Remy Nasiri? My mom's best friend was French. Your mom's best friend was French. Because Dumbledore is a stupid wizard. I hate...

Stop. Snape is one of the Dark Lords. Does it look like he's sparring when he's talking? It does look like he's sparring. Prince Nassim Hamed. Lucius Malfoy is one of my best mates. I'm a big fan. Your mom's best friend was French.

Voldemort is my father. Did you say Dumbledore? Did you say Voldemort? Don't say it again. And then your last name is Syrian. My father is Iranian. His name is Benzad in the series. Benzad. What does he do? Or in English, Voldemort.

You haven't spoken to him? Why have you not spoken to him for a while? He's a Persian man. Crazy egos. He's an alcoholic. He's a bit weird. Let's get into that shit. That's interesting. You spend more time with your dick in a flashlight than you have talking to your dad? Is there a moment when you're coming

and you're like, I haven't talked to dad in so long? Talk to your Iranian father. You guys can relate over bombing. Every once in a while. Yeah, it works. It still works. I do have a joke about wistful wanks where you're jerking off about a past experience

and then you start thinking about Dave's couch. You're a wizard, Remy. You're a wizard, Remy. Wistful wanks. I like that. You're a wizard, Remy. I only did this one because every time I've done it, it's worked.

You're a wizard, Remy. Where do you do that joke at? At the improv and the open mic. Is my voice that high? It's my voice. Your voice is like taking a bath in a million flashlights. I'm a house elf. My name is Dobie.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it right now. I am Michael Caine. I am Michael Caine. And I love it. I love everything he does. Remy, what do you do for a living? I'm a waiter. Remember we did that? You're a waiter. I still will not

never remember your last appearance on this show no matter how hard you try. You're a waiter and we're waiting for you to be funny. Where are you a waiter at? La Scala. Green Gots. La Scala. La Scala.

I love it. Good chopped salads. Yes, but I'm leaving. Oh, shit. I'm going to San Francisco to be with a girlfriend. Say that again? I'm going to San Francisco to be with a girlfriend. To be with a girlfriend.

Great comedy scene up in San Francisco. That's what they tell me. Hopefully I'll bomb there as well. Are you going to San Francisco to be with a girlfriend. To be with a girlfriend. Great comedy scene up in San Francisco. That's what they tell me. Hopefully I'll bomb there as well. Yeah. Are you going there because you don't trust her? I'm taking my Nimbus 2000 up to San Francisco at any moment now. No, no. I'm going there for two months.

We're spending the summer together. Then I'm moving to New York if you really want to know the truth. Wow. Oh, man. I don't. Why are you asking? I don't know. No, no. I'm being a dick. All right. So how long have you been doing comedy? Since September properly. I don't Why are you asking? I don't know

Alright so how long have you been doing comedy? Since September properly Since September properly I don't know if anything you did was proper No it wasn't good tonight Improperly Committing to going to the nights Every week and making the effort

Properly Properly man Waitly, man. Wait, wait, wait. Was that your American impression? Yeah, let's hear some more of that. It is more American. I can do Eddie Murphy. Hey, man, get the fuck out of my face, brother. That is not Eddie Murphy.

Oh, my God. That's the beginning of the L.A. riots, what you just did. What you just did is justification. What you just did is justification. That's Eddie Murphy. What you did is justification for that truck driver getting beaten up on the street. That's Eddie Murphy doing his...

That's not even a good dead Charlie Murphy. Oh, boo! Let's make a Sandy Hook joke and laugh about dead kids. Then we make a joke about a dead grown man who had a good life. I want to hear some more of these American impressions. Who else can you do? I can't do impressions.

You can do Eddie Murphy. Who else can you do? Can you do Richard Branson? Chris Rock? No, I could name... Dave Chappelle? No. No. Tully Tubular, bro. No.

What? That was a surfer. Oh, my God. No, I can't do it. Okay. Can you do Bath Williams? Who's Bath Williams? Nothing.

Forget it. That didn't make sense. Can you do John McEnroe? No, I can't. You can't be serious. Find him on Tinder. I'm not one for voices. No, you aren't.

You're not, but your voice is interesting. If you slowed way the fuck down. I know. Here's all you have to do. Slow way the fuck down and write some really funny jokes and you are set. Switch to decaffeinated tea.

Yeah. I did have a coffee earlier. What's your outgoing voicemail message sound like? Probably in the bath getting ready for my day. I certainly call you back once I'm properly washed. Washing off the fleshlight. I'll be right back. My lantern. Hi, you've reached Hogwarts.

No one can come to the phone right now. Give me a call back at your soonest convenience. There he goes. Remy Nasiri, everybody. Remy Nasiri, dude. Now that time, you shook a hand. I liked it. You guys love handshakes.

I wanted that hand. I was building a bridge across the ocean. That's a guy that you don't want to see do comedy, but you want him to serve you a beer. That's what you want out of that guy. A point. I mean that in the nicest way. Did that come off weird?

All right. To be honest, I haven't been paying attention to a word you've been saying. What kind of beer would you order from him? Perhaps a flesh light? Something warm. It's a fucking flesh light. I can't groan a thing that was improvised from a minute ago.

Baffoons. A baffoon! Awesome! from a minute ago. I love it. Baffoons. This looks like a new name. I love that. Right? Awesome. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Jesse Johnson. Yes.

Hey, everybody. I grew up with divorced parents. Thank you. All right. Now that I'm older, they tell me, okay, Jesse, you're older, you can decide which house you're going to spend the holidays with, right? I'm always like, oh, I liked it so much better

when the courts did that for us. Okay. Who's with me? I, uh, they were really cool though. I have great parents. I got a cool dad, and I, especially, and I was thinking, in a way, we've all got a cool dad. That's right.

I'm talking about, uh, G.O.D. Ever heard of them? Right here. Just going to Tokyo Drip this part of the show into some Christian comedy. I told my parents, I tell them all the time I don't believe in God, to be honest. And every time they say, well, we're going to keep praying for you. But between you and me, I totally believe in God. I just keep telling them that because of how powerful I'm getting from all the extra prayers.

Fuck yeah, Jesse Johnson. Oh, yeah. A very amazing performance consistently the entire way through, which is surprising since it's so hard and intimidating up here. No, you took, okay, so here's the example. She took whatever nerves you had and folded it into the character, and it was so likable. I was like with you from the second you got up there.

Fucking great job. Really good for a girl. Great Tokyo Dream. Really good for a girl. How long have you been doing stand-up uh five years where at phoenix i moved here a week ago wow look at that congratulations uh that was great i i love it because like you kept twisting what the audience believed who you were like you were like first you were like i'm a god person then you're like i'm not a god person but then you're like, I'm not a God person, but I actually am a God person.

I still don't know, but I think it's really funny because you played with the audience in terms of offering them truth. You said you had the worst parents, right? Or did you say divorced parents? Divorced. Divorced. Same thing. Divorced is the worst, Tony. Yeah.

Easy to say for you, you're not a rape baby like me. Oh, wait a minute. Wow. Wow. You know what? Hook Jeremiah, but your parents stayed together. So they stayed together for the kids. No, they stayed together for the continued raping.

So is that, what is that? Oh, there's a storm coming. Storm. We stayed together for the continued raping. What is that? Storm. Storm. Did you get up at comedy clubs in Phoenix? Did you get up to stand up live in those clubs there? Not really. I did the New Faces a couple times, but mostly the independent shows.

Is that where you grew up, Phoenix? Yeah, I lived there my whole life. This is the first time I moved to a new state, and it's all very nice. Wow. Good for you. Good job. That's so cool. She's likable, man.

Yeah, very much so. So your goal is to just do stand-up? You have a job? Yeah, I work remotely at home, and then I can do stand-up at night. What do you do at home? Web cam. my free camp. Every person up here did a version of webcam.

Webcam, mind cam. I work for a little company called X Hamster. Maybe you've heard of it. How many tokens do you make a day? Good. She can talk for another two minutes. Good. She can talk for another two minutes. Good. That'll pay my phone bill. Are you going to tell us, Jessie? Or is it like a secret?

What do you do? Oh, no. No secret. I was just letting everybody riff. Nice. Very good. Very good. I love it. She's generous. No, but in the way she said that There was some derision too Just letting everyone riff up here Do what you do

Let you guys do your own masturbating Into a flashlight up here Well, it's an online company So we're right Webcam We make a You know, if you work in a corporation So we're right. Webcam. We make a, you know, if you work in a corporation, you have to watch a video for training or harassment.

We make those. This is hilarious. Oh, you make sexual harassment videos. Need help? No means no, Brian. From behind. Of course that was read back. Wow. Come on. Jesus. Get your dread Of course that was red. Wow.

Jesus. Get your dreadlocks out of her pants. For Christ's sake. By the way, that's funny. Do you ever do any comedy about making sexual harassment videos at home? No. I mean, I don't make them. What's going on over here? You work for a company that puts them out online.

Yeah, I do. I'm like a personal assistant. Nothing fancy. That is... I love everything she's doing right now. You just moved into town this week. What part of town are you living in? Technically East Hollywood.

East Hollywood? I've never even heard of such a place. Is that a thing? I've been here 11 years, and I don't think I've ever heard of East Hollywood. My goodness. Jesse, really breaking new ground. She said technically, all right? Pasadena, all right?

East Hollywood. East Hollywood. Do you like it? What were your thoughts when you... It's got to be the whatever it is. It's the worst part of town. I can tell you that right now. She essentially was like, I'm lucky I haven't been murdered yet.

A week. I say that every day. Yeah, you do. So do I. Praise God. What are your nearest major cross streets? Western and Santa Monica. Stop, stop.

That is a shitty neighborhood. Jesus. Yeah, that's fucking. Jesus Christ. Beast Hollywood. Hey, I have a parking space. What's up? Baller. What's up? That's fucking Jesus Christ East Hollywood What's up, there's a tranny sleeping in it right now in her shopping cart You really know what it's like on Santa Monica and Western. It's right thing. Oh my god, LA Community College frightening Phoenix's has like

Phoenix has like a huge party scene and stuff. Yeah, you do coke? Jesus. Whoa, wow. This guy, whoa. What? Coca-Cola. Anyway. Did you say, dude, did you do coke for glaucoma? I said Coca-Cola. Oh, Coca-Cola.

Did you go to college, Jessie? I did, yeah. What Christian college did you go to? I went to film school at Scottsdale Community College. Nice. Arr, one of the finest in the lab. The Fighting Artichokes. Hey. Is that a real thing?

Yes, that's our mascot. Fighting Artichokes. That's our mascot. I want a T-shirt. It's better than the University of Phoenix, so good for you. Congratulations. Congratulations. It's an actual school University of Phoenix, so good for you. Congratulations. It's an actual school.

The band went to the same school. They got all Cs. I liked it. I liked it a lot. I liked it a lot. I liked it. No, no, no. It doesn't work when everybody laughs. You avoided that crash.

Keep committing. I think you're really funny and fun to watch, and I even love how you're handling all of this right now. I just think you should continue doing what you're doing. Yep. And by doing what you're doing, I mean webcamming. No, but I think you should continue doing what you're doing. I think you're a real talent.

I think we're going to see you on the stage here. Good start for you in L.A. I think this is a really good show for you to be doing so that the five years that you've put in, all of a sudden you're being exposed to really, really great comedians that work a lot and people are always looking to have people open for them on the road and stuff like that with your energy and charisma. Just stay away from flappers.

You'll be fine. I love this show so much. I watch it every – in Phoenix I would watch it. Oh, wow. It's cool to be here. So this is your first time doing this show? I was here on Halloween. The Ichabod episode.

Oh, you were on that show. I remember now. So you're memorable to him. All right, that's good. I saw you, and I came back to visit, and you said, oh, are you that girl from Pennsylvania? And I was like, he kind of remembered me. Funny.

Pennsylvania, Phoenix, it's all the same to me. It's all the same thing. I've been in L.A. so long that... Both places voted for Trump. I've been in L.A. so long that I now know where East Hollywood is. Exactly. Pennsylvania, the East Hollywood of wherever. Phoenix.

Arr. Alright, well there she goes. Absolutely killing it. Welcome her to Los Angeles, everybody. It's Jessie Johnson. Nice. She's on Twitter at J's Jesse Johnson. Nice job. She's on Twitter at Jetski Johnson.

We have a young lady who is 21 years old and she writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. She made her debut on the show on episode 100. This is episode 210. Put your hands together for

her. The Frankenstein of Kill Tony. The great Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. I'm shady. Okay. I think my friend's a psycho. And I don't know what to do because he hasn't done anything, but I just know it's coming. There's no self-defense classes I can take for a future psycho. There is no end to that joke, but if you do know my friend, he probably will kill you in a couple years.

Okay, great. I have another friend. His name is Armin. And, you know, I put the pieces together. I figured out he's probably Armenian. That is true. His name is also 75% of where he's from. And I had another friend say, I didn't know he's from. And I had

another friend say, I didn't know he was Armenian. And I was like, yeah, come on, that's common to be named after where you're from. I know two Jews named Jew. I mean, that's definitely not their name, but it is what I call them. Boom. Ali

Makovsky with another minute. Fun times. How's it going? Things are good. Things are fine. What is the story with this friend that you think is a psycho? Well, I have this weird premonition that he's going to be a bad guy. I think truthfully that with all the shit of meeting people on Tinder and all that shit,

you have to prepare for psychos that you haven't met yet. That to me is a good concept that you want to open up your own self-defense thing for psychos who haven't presented themselves. Yeah, I just thought of it on my way here. Good thing there's no psychos at the Comedy Star. Yeah, none. And if anybody's a real, real, real psycho, you could just throw a bottle of water at them as hard as you can.

Remember that from earlier, you motherfuckers? I do, yeah. God damn it. That's a great joke. That's an hour later callback. That is such a good joke. Nobody gave a fuck. Time bomb.

He wasn't a real psycho. He was just playing Anthony Perkins. All right. Allie, you look like you're dressed to caddy at a putt-putt course. What is it? What's going on? You look like you're a stagehand for, like, children's theater. I'm just moving the sets.

I'm not even here. The marionettes are just being taken out of their boxes. Josh, can I have another alcoholic drink? Alcoholic drink. Wait, here's, I like the beginning of the Armenian thing. I thought that was really funny. How can you tell he's Armenian? He's got 70, I thought you were going to say he's got 70% of his name is Armenian

and he also was my Uber driver or whatever. Like some joke or he sold me two rugs. Something where you're in that we're in the zone and you're going in a different direction because the setup is there I think there's something in that yeah I'm really good at ideas I'm great at ideas yeah executing them you

are thanks no you are but the ideas is a really you know that's one of the fucking hardest craziest parts that people get really lazy by the way that to me is really funny What if you did a bunch of jokes where you're like Okay I'm really great at this But I have zero punchline

Just do a whole chunk of setups Just a bunch of ideas Just setups Just only setups And I think they might not laugh at the beginning But then once people realize what you're doing It's just another choice In 59 seconds they're really going to love it.

They're going to love it, yeah. I would say even in longer sets, you could do something like that. Like to close my set, I'm going to do some jokes that I haven't finished. These don't have punchlines, but I really believe in the setup. So again, and I would even remind them,

even though you just said it, I go, again, none of these have punchlines, only setups. And you literally can't lose because then they don't know when the end is and you could just be like, told you so. Yeah, you could just set it up like that and then just do Ray Romano's act. Yeah, I could. There's your alcoholic

drink. I would have to get booked first. Yeah, that's true. How do you prepare? Allie, how do you prepare every week for the minute? She walks the plank. How do you prepare every week for the minute? She walks the blank. How do I prepare? One in the plank.

Did you say walks the blank? Two in the stack. I don't know anymore. How do you prepare every week? Existential Joe Berg. What's your preparation? I write and then I hope that something works enough for me to try it out here. And most of the time it doesn't.

And I just say, well, I showed up. Did you get a new job? Nope. No job news. I was at work. I'm only scheduled one shift a week. And my manager came up to me and said, yeah, you only have one shift a week because everyone here thinks you're slow. Well, you're probably really slow, right?

Yeah. What do you do? I'm a hostess. Oh. Yeah. You're not going to be slow as a hostess, though. Yeah, that's really bad, by the way. You're like, I'm not that slow.

I think I just talk slow, and so they assume that everything else is as slow. Allie, could you walk us through, as soon as a customer comes in, what do you do? Yeah, give us an example. I just walked into your restaurant. My name is... My name is... Allie Makovsky. You walk up, and I say how many are in your party? You say two. I say, great, do you want to

go inside? Okay, well, let's not... Okay. There's no I say, you say. Let's try it out. I just walked in, okay? I walk in with the Sklar brothers, all right? Here we go. Hi. Oh, hello. Jesus, let's get out of here, guys. This place sucks.

I didn't know I was going to be verbally raped. Wow. Cut the attitude. Well, I'll probably be texting first. Oh, that's great. Oh, yeah. So you really don't want a job. I don't want a job.

I just need money. So it's like. But you're not going to have money if they fire you. No, I know. It's a struggle. What about webcamming? I've thought about it, but I... But I was like, I have to wear a mask.

So you can do that. I can always work remotely. But then I was like, I don't have it in me to do this. I'll just be a shitty employee until something else works out. Anything else happen this week that in your normal life that is just sort of interesting or out of whack or anything? You're the only person that does a

nuke that is on the show every single week. So I always like to ask that. I just started Accutane, which is this pill that gets rid of your acne, but it makes your face extremely sensitive and red. So it's like, what the fuck am I doing? Well, everybody's always said you're one of the breakout stars of this show.

They should see my pussy. You take, you know, every single week with your writing and your performing, you take a very proactive approach to being on this show. I have a serious question. Allie, did they tell you anything about the suicide thing with Accutane? No, it's pretty much not

happening anymore. She's got the whitest head ever. There was a suicide thing? Well, when it first came out, it was pretty dangerous and sketchy and people were killing themselves, but now they have new and improved Accutane that makes you want to kill yourself

with how burnt your face is. Right. It's different. Well, you kind of died a little on stage for a minute, so there's that. Yeah, I feel it, yeah. No, but I mean, if any time a joke doesn't go over, why don't you talk about Accutane? That's so personal and I love it. Are you

21? Yeah. So you should be past this nonsense. I should be past it, yeah. I'm 30. I still got it. Yeah, you guys have male acne or like adult acne? I put Accutane on my taint and call it Accutane. Oh, boy. I was thinking like... Has anyone seen my bird?

I love that you don't have a handle on it. I think that went over everyone's head. Yeah, literally. He probably did. He's probably flying around. Man. I think we always say, I mean, this is like we keep coming back to that. The more personal you get, the better it is.

I mean, that is something that you're going through that probably some people have gone through in their lives. But your take on the Accutane experience, I think, is fascinating. Yeah, I think it, yeah. I just thought of a joke, but I'll save it for next week because Mama is short on new material. There she goes, Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. Way to go. I shook her hand.

I got two zits, two zits on my hand. Thank you, Thank you. Thank you. Trying to get every hand-shaking joke I can out of this goddamn thing. I went to the bucket again. Is that okay with you guys? You want to see another comedian? This guy is a legend on this show.

This week, the Kill Tony account actually tweeted out who are some of your favorite characters that have gotten pulled out of the bucket. And this guy's name actually came up quite a few times. You've seen him on this show many times. Always absolutely a killer on this show, on Roast Battle, one of the funniest writers around. I'm excited to see a new minute from Dan Nolan, everybody. Yarr! What's up? I'm a recovering heroin addict. I gained 75 pounds after I got sober.

I used to shoot heroin, now it just looks like I'm smuggling it. There's still a bunch of dirty spoons on the floor of my car, but now they're just covered in pudding. Did some jail time. I spent six months in jail back in 2014. First question people always ask me when I tell them that is, how'd you get raped in there? Which is ridiculous. It was always consensual.

Jail's not that bad. You actually just hang out all day. You can watch TV. It's just like having a shitty regular life. I had a job. I used to work in the kitchen. I used to make pancakes. I used to make 2,000 pancakes a day.

And one day I was walking him through the hallway, and I. I used to make 2,000 pancakes a day. And one day I was walking through the hallway, you know, I got this giant rack of 2,000 pancakes, and I take a corner and it starts to fall, and I'm like, oh my god, I'm gonna drop these pancakes all over the floor, and I'm just gonna look like a big klutz in front of the whole jail. Everybody's just gonna think I'm a goof. You gotta look tough in there.

So last minute, right when they were about to leave my hand, I just went, yo, fuck these pancakes! Boom. Dude. Wow. That's how you do it. Look at that, Dan Nolan. Look out there. Look what you did. Look at them. Look how happy they are. Fucking love it.

For everyone else who came up tonight, great jokes, great opening premise, personal stuff that really did happen to you that could not have happened to us. The consensual joke is so funny. And one of the interesting things that he did that the other couple people that had really good sets didn't do is he did the one thing that we sort of acknowledge, which is start commanding. You had it.

You looked outward. You said, I'm a recovering heroin addict. There's a premise. Which, by the way, is funny because, you know. People always go, yeah, you don't look like a gay guy. There's no way you are a heroin addict. Dude, that's fucking great. Spoon's joke

was a great joke. Spoon's joke was a fantastic joke. I would even consider calling them bitch-ass pancakes. Fuck these bitch-ass pancakes! Now, I've never been to jail, but that feels like something you would say in jail, right? These bitch-ass pancakes. Bitch-ass pancakes ain't gonna tell me! Ain't gonna tell me!

And then you raped them. Wow. But it was consensual. It was. Sometimes you punch up a joke. Sometimes you punch down one. Showing by example, I guess. Exactly.

Thank you. The comedy Ray Rice over there. Speaking of punching down. Yes. So, Dan, you really are. Speaking of punching down Yes So Dan You really are We have all watched you gain weight Since you've been He's lost weight

I lost I lost 30 pounds Is that true? And I saw you crawl through a window This big Because he locked his keys in his house And there was a window this big And somehow you got through that

Yeah I wouldn't have been able to do that Two months ago Yeah But in your heroin days That's how window this big and somehow you got through that. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't have been able to do that two months ago. But in your heroin days, that's how you got in and out of the house. Man, so you used to be on heroin

and then jail time was for heroin? No, it was for a DUI and I kept getting caught buying heroin but I never got caught with heroin. They would just catch me

coming in and out of the hood. I want to hear about that. I want to hear about that. I want to hear about that experience. Dude, it's fascinating because you look like a mild-mannered dude who does not do heroin. I know that lots of people do heroin who look like you, but it is fascinating and interesting, and I feel like something that you don't hear many comics talking about. That great set, dude. Who was your dealer?

It was this guy named Babel. If you ever go to Newburgh, New York, First and Carpenter. Okay, okay, okay. This suddenly became an episode of The Wire. Jesus Christ. We're up in the... Shake the guy down.

We're up in the towers with Fat Joe. What the fuck? Dan, I would absolutely love to have you on the next Desk Watch show at the Ice House next Friday. Whoa! Yes! Look at that. Holy shit.

Great fucking call. That's a booking. I'm leaving Wednesday. Fuck off. There he goes. A booking that he turned down. I'm so sorry. That may be the heroin talking.

When is the next one? Next Friday. Oh, you're back to jail? Soon. I would love to have you back. I'll hit you up when I get back. Fuck yes. That's great. Alright, there he goes. Dan Nolan, everybody. Dreams coming true.

Did another minute. You know what I want to do? There's a guy out there that we all fell in love with a few weeks ago, and I'm excited to bring him up again to see another new minute from him. He's super honest. This guy doesn't seem like he can tell a lie. Very interesting character. I love him.

We love him. Put your hands together for Manuel Herrera, everybody. Here he goes. Yes. Here he goes. How's everybody doing tonight? Good? All right. Guys, I almost fucked a tranny last year.

Couldn't believe that shit. We matched up on Timber, met up at the Starbucks down here. And the moment I looked at her, I saw her hands, they looked like mine. I saw her feet looking all gargoyle-like. And I was like, fuck. You're not a girl, huh? And in that split second,

she realized she was losing me. And she threw a Hail Mary at me. She goes, yeah, but I got a mouth and an ass. And I was like, oh my god, I felt lost. I felt confused like Warren Beatty on the Golden Globes. And I tipped her a $5 bill and I left. Why the fuck

did I tip her a $5 bill? She was so stupid. But yeah. Fuck Chinese, man. That was a close call. Yeah. Thank you a close call. Yeah. Thank you. Wow. Interesting set this

week where you get accidental... I've always said you are one of the most accidentally hilarious human beings. Let's fact check it. Timber? I think he called it the golden glones.

Warren Beatty hasn't built on the golden glones in several years. I feel like that could be an episode of Transparent, though. You should mail that story to yourself. Jeremiah Watkins? Too late. Did it happen?

Did it really happen? How did you meet her? On Timber, you dummy. We matched up. You matched up on Timber. Timber is the dating app when you're willing to drop your wood into anything. Timber is a dating app

where if you have sex with a transvestite in the forest, then it didn't really happen. God, Jeremiah motherfucking Watkins, man. Jeremiah Watkins. Just drop the eye patch and walk out of there on the phone.

It's the sound of one hand slapping. Manuel, you're an interesting character. So you went to see the tranny. I mean. Well, in her pictures, all five pictures were on the same pose. Right. But like different areas of her house, I guess. Yeah.

Yes. The woman knows how to take a picture. What was the pose? Like that. Oh. Like she's getting ready to. That's the pose? Yeah.

Like a half a superhero. Yeah. Half a man? So when you got, was there a moment where you're like, Wonder Woman, I wonder if she's a woman. Supertran. Where you were like, I already spent all the time getting here. I might as well get something out of this.

I gave her a $5 bill. I felt bad. You gave her a $5 bill. You gave her a I don't know what I... You gave her a $5 bill. You gave her a present your grandmother gives you on Hanukkah. You give her that Lincoln and jump into the stinking. You know what I mean? I mean, deep inside, I'm a nice guy. I don't want to be a dick too much.

So was she. She was also a nice guy. Yeah. You know what women love when you throw small amounts of money at them Women love that Just the tip And so you didn't do anything with her No I was too scared

Too scared of what for your own sexuality No no but I don't know Maybe she can overpower me Maybe not though Maybe you were afraid That you would like it a little bit. Yeah, what if you... He's the new you. No, I'm going to fuck a fat girl on Wednesday.

I'm good. Is that true? Where'd you meet the fat girl? Through a co-worker. Through court? A co-worker. Court-appointed hookup? No.

A court-appointed obese woman. I hereby sentence you to fuck this fat chick. No, no. What's crazy sentence you to fuck this fat chick. No, no. What's crazy is it's her community service work to do this. He met her on Blender. Blender. Manuel Herrera.

What do you do for work again? I work at a warehouse. Oh, that's right. A lot of Manuel Herrera What do you do for work again? I work at a warehouse A lot of manual Herrera Manual labor I'm the sixth one Anything happen to you interesting this week? Was that the tranny thing? That happened? No, that was actually last year

I saw the Canelo fight Yeah, how was that? Did you enjoy that? Yeah, there was a lot of people at the house. Are you Mexican? Yeah. Stop it. Easy. I clicked on your Twitter at one point this week and one of the things that I noticed is that

you respond to a porn star that's notorious for deep-throating people. Am I correct? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I also did that this week. I didn't know she was a porn star.

Is she a porn star? I'm not sure. Well, you tweeted her ridiculously. Let's just say she works remotely. Sexual harassment videos. She just moved from Arizona. This lady named Dreadheadkilla tweeted four days ago, in all capital letters, she said, I gave head for three hours straight today.

SMH never did it that long. To which you tweeted directly at her. Dome for three hours straight today. SMH never did it that long. To which you tweeted directly at her. Dome for three hours. Next time, dome me up instead. I only last 15 seconds. Like a YouTube ad. Wow. That's actually a good joke.

That's a good joke. That's a good joke. Why didn't you tell that joke? There you go. And then... And like a YouTube ad, you that joke? There you go. And then. I'd like you to have it. You just want it to be over. And then all of a sudden you tweeted again.

You said you basically gave Dome and could have seen the movie Titanic until the end. That's funny, dude. Dude. Your Twitter. Go through that, man. Your Twitter feed is getting more laughs than you are. Right. Exactly.

Let me remind you of the original tweet. She said, I gave head for three hours straight. I never did it that long. Then you tweeted again, a third tweet to that exact same tweet four days ago. There's a lot to respond to there. His response was, again, you're going to have a buff-ass neck now. That's right. Looking like China from WWF.

And then you went out with her. Oh, man. Wow. Yeah. China who is dead, by the way. Oh, that shit killed. Yeah, it does. Yeah, dude.

Trust your writing. Trust your writing. And then what's crazy is that was all four days ago. But then three days ago, the same girl, Dreadhead Killa, she tweeted, I'm really having allergic reaction. Can't breathe well, and my face is so swollen and red. What do I do? She tweeted out to people.

And he responds the next day after all those other tweets. He goes, I guess that's what happens after three hours. That's funny, dude. This is funny. I was reading these by myself stoned on my patio yesterday. Dying of laughter. By myself, picturing

Jeremiah laughing the next day. Okay, hold on. Wait a second. She's putting too much faith in the public. I didn't even notice this one. Two days ago, she tweeted. Again, this is just a random girl. By the way, she only has 5,683 followers.

Her actual Twitter handle is H-A-L-E-H-X-B-B-Y. Anyway, two days ago, she said, my feet and back hurt so bad, exclamation point. Bartending is hard. To which Manuel Herrera responded, you did it for more than three hours? Or was it just that epic head from the other night? You're an animal. You're heckling this.

You're Twitter heckling this woman. She is literally just listing off all her ailments, which there's nothing sexier than that. Now, here's an interesting one. Ten hours ago. Ten hours ago. Ladies and gentlemen, listen to me. Ten hours ago. This calendar day.

Ten hours ago today, the Kill Tony official Twitter account, at all capital letters, Kill Tony tweeted, another Monday, another Kill Tony at the Comedy Store with Tony Hinchcliffe, Red Band, and two amazing guests. Get tickets. To which a young man named Brian Vieira tweeted, young up and coming or failing older comics, in about 15 minutes you guys will be the older comics.

Winky face, smile. Clearly making a joke. Manuel Herrera responds to all of us. We're all tagged in this. Tag it up. To Brian. Remember, Brian Vieira ended that tweet with a winky smiley face. I love that you're surprised that a Mexican tagged a lot of things.

Thank you. Manuel Herrera goes, why don't you put your name in the bucket, then talk? a lot of things. Thank you. Manuel Herrera goes, why don't you put your name in the bucket, then talk? Yeah! To which Brian responds, Brian Vieira responds,

one of us is confused, dot, dot, dot. To which Manuel goes, never mind, I thought you were trolling. Yeah, bitch. Yeah. I'll get that shit. Taste it, bitch. Yeah. Look at that shit. Taste it, bitch. Manuel, I love your style. You're on Twitter at

Wintersnake. Right. Why Wintersnake? What is that? It sounds like the worst Game of Thrones character ever. Beware the Wintersnake.

Kill it with a White Walker. Wait, get that guy, get Remy back up here. Wintersnake? Wear the winter snake. Kill it with a white walker. Wait, get that guy, get Remy back up here. Winter snake? I will never let him take a bath at my house. She'll take a bath in it. Oh, man. You guys are killing me, man.

Why winter snake? Yes, we are. Why? It just sounds cool. It flows good, you know? Does it? Winter snake. That's the type of thing a trainee would love. Yeah, winter snake. We are. Why? It just sounds cool. It flows good, you know? Does it? That's the type of thing a trainee would love. Yeah, a winter snake.

She calls. Put that thing in a deep freeze, yeah. Sounds like a small penis winter snake. Yeah. A little shrinkage. Yeah. How big's your dick? It's uncircumcised.

Remember his mom sucked on it or something? Oh, yeah. It's 6.75 inchescised. Remember his mom sucked on it or something? Oh, yeah. It's 6.75 inches. 6.75? Yeah. That is far too accurate. Six and three quarters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know you don't push the ruler into your skin super hard.

Yeah, why don't you just push it down and get that extra quarter? Yeah. I don't know. I used to ride a girl's skateboard. I love it. I love it. Accuracy. That's the key to your comedy, bro. Accuracy.

There he goes, Manuel Herrera. Manuel Herrera. Winter Snake. There he goes. One more time for Manuel Herrera, ladies and gentlemen. While you all sat there, Ryan J. Ebel drew tonight's episode. While we're looking at that,

what do you guys want to plug? Sklar Brothers have a new podcast with our good friend Daniel Van Kirk. It's called Dumb People Town. It's on Fairlotto. You can get it for free on iTunes. I saw it at Moon Tower. I loved it.

Get it on iTunes. You'll be on it. Yes. We got that, and we have a Sklarbro Country, which is sports and comedy. That's awesome. Wow. Fuck yeah, man. That's great.

Look at you guys. Yeah. Tweedledee and Tweedledum. I love it. Tweedledum and Tweedledummer. This weekend, while I was on the the road I had the amazing pleasure of listening to one of my favorite musicians new albums. It's called Bad Chad.

It's from the great band leader Patty Reagan over there. Patty Reagan's on Twitter at Patty Reagan. Anything else Pat? What else is going on? The motherfucking Stone Cold Assassin. Perhaps one of the most momentous,

unbelievable comedic killers in the world, Jeremiah Watkins was on the show tonight. Just completely fucking dialed in. Yar! Check out Stand Up On The Spot every second Tuesday of the month here at the Comedy Store. Reach out to me on social media,

at Jeremiah Stand Up, and check out my website, jeremiahwatkins.tv, for my latest Jimmy Kimmel Live appearance. Yeah. Motherfucking Joel Jimenez has his own mic. Say something, Joel. I just broke my tooth.

Mostly sorry. Just say hello. Love that. Happy to be here. I'm doing Wise Guys in Salt Lake City, June 2nd and 3rd. Great fucking club. Tembler Brewing Company, June 9th. Joke Join in Salt Lake City, June 2nd and 3rd. Great fucking club. Tembler Brewing Company, June 9th. Joke Joint in Houston, Texas, June 16th and 17th.

The Comedy Zone in Jacksonville. And then Hartford, Connecticut. A bunch of fun places. Fort Worth, Texas. And next week on this show, I get to officially announce my entire huge Monster Energy tour dates that are happening in the month of August. I literally go everywhere around the country. Some

House of Blueses, some big theaters, some rock venues. I'm super excited about that. So find out more about that on the next episode, episode 211. This was episode 210. Brian Redband, live audience. Thank you so much. Have a great night, everybody. We're going to take a picture real quick. Thank you. so nice to get a call.

Children, I'm good at stuff, and you're into stuff. Ooh, let's make products. Oh, I'm a product guy, and you're a produce girl I said the money, money, money, money, money will be suspicious to the girl Thank you.