KILL TONY - KILL TONY #214

Episode Date: June 1, 2017

Russell Peters, Erik Griffin, Dom Irrera, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 05/29/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to our website deathsquad.tv for everything that we do, including video portions

to the podcast and live shows. Click on our tour dates and you'll see that we not only do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we have every first and third Friday. We were at the Ice House every second and fourth Wednesday. We're at the Laugh Factory and Death Squad Toronto just went on sale July 27th with Dean Del Rey, Sam Tripoli, Ian Edwards and me. That's July 27th at the Queen Elizabeth Theater.

You can go to thecornercomedy.com for tickets or just go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has a website, The Golden Pony. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all his tour dates. He's about to go on this huge tour for Monster Energy. So check it out, TonyHinchcliffe.com for all his tour dates. He's about to go on this huge tour for Monster Energy. So check it out, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the new Kill Tony poster.

Go to RyanJEbelt.com. All right, don't forget ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We've got some hats in stock. We also have some new t-shirts coming soon. So check out shopsquad.tv. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hensclean. Hi, everybody. Hello. Make some noise. Band coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hensclean. Hi, everybody. Hello. Make some noise. Happy Monday to you. There it is. Volume, power. Feels good in here. Welcome to Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world.

You guys ready for a fun fucking night or what? Brian Red Band's here. What's up, guys? Brian J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. I'm fucking pumped about things. We have amazing guests ready to go. I'm positive that Josh is letting the 20 people

that are waiting outside for some crazy reason in. I think we over, over, over sold out or something weird. I don't know what's going on. Some ticket malfunctions or something like that. I'm excited about tonight's episode. Yeah. Look at what we have on stage here ticket malfunctions or something like that. I'm excited about tonight's episode. Yeah. Look at what we have on stage here.

A little different. Make some noise. I saw this show. I'm dying up here on Showtime. So they leaked their pilot episode on YouTube, and it is the absolute coolest show. It is. And if you are a fan of the comedy story,

it almost feels like it's the comedy story. The Goldies is what it's called in there. It is fucking awesome. I cried four times. I laughed a hundred times. I really did. Nothing makes me cry,

but this is a powerful fucking show. I'm convinced it's like, you know, the new like Breaking Bad but for comedy. It's filmed really well too. Like it feels like Almost Famous,

that movie Almost Famous. It's executive produced by Jim Carrey who's a comedy store guy. It's clearly from,, too. It feels like Almost Famous, that movie Almost Famous. It's executive produced by Jim Carrey, who's a comedy store guy. It's clearly from his brilliant, brilliant mind. And you can see that on June 4th. It's the series premiere of I'm Dying Up Here. Saturday, June 4th, 10 p.m., 9 central, only on Showtime. Make some noise for I'm Dying Up Here on Showtime. It's like us.

It's about young up-and-coming stand-up comedians trying to make it in the L.A. comedy scene. And if you don't have Showtime, you just download the app. You get a free trial for a free month. It's true. And it's on Apple TV. It's on your iPhone. If you like comedy at all,

you're going to absolutely love I'm Dying Up Here on Showtime. Again, that's June 4th, Sunday night. Yeah. You guys want to meet tonight's guests? How about that? I know I do. I wonder if they're ready to go. Put your hands together for Eric Griffin,

Dom Irera, and Russell Peters. Yeah! Yeah! We got Russell motherfucking Peters. They're probably backstage having trouble getting to the room. I'm sure our other guests are coming. Russell motherfucking Peters is in the house to get this started, though. I'll tell you what, boy.

How are you, buddy? I'm good, Tony. How are you? I'm good. And hello, Brian. Russell. And hello, audience. I'm excited for a fun night. I'm excited those two big guys made it up the stairs.

Good job, fellas. Yes, they did. That's the amazing father and son combo. That's a father and son combo? George and Christian, yes. Wow. Looks more like a chicken and rib combo. Josh, we got Dom Irera and Eric Griffin.

Yeah. This is great. Is that my brother, Dominic John Dom Irera and Eric Griffin yeah this is great is that my brother Dominic John Joseph Irera Dom Irera and Eric motherfucking Griffin Eric Griffin boom both on the new

show I'm dying up here Boom. Both on the new show. I'm dying up here. How you doing? Eric. Fuck yeah. This is as staggered of an intro as we've ever had at the top of this show. I like it. We're way in the back.

I know. We got you guys hidden back there. I mean, I heard the intro. I'm just saying, guys. Guys, I saw your show and I absolutely love it. Dom and Eric are both in. I'm just saying, guys. Guys, I saw your show, and I absolutely love it. Dom and Eric are both in. I'm dying up here. Killer fucking stuff. I got distracted in the front here.

Eric, say hi, Eric. Hey, Sharon Stone. Oh, sorry. Hi. Are you going to cover him up now? Okay. I don't know what the fuck's going on over there. Dom Irera, say hello.

You don't see. I don't usually do television. I going on over there. Dom Irera, say hello. You don't see. I don't usually do television. I do mostly movies, but in this case... Let me say hi to the little people. I love your wig in the movie. They have this awesome wig. Because it takes place in the 70s when you were like 25 or something like that.

Well, the funny thing... There was a guy who actually said, who the fuck's he kidding? Like, I was trying to get away with making that wig my hair, and I'm thinking, even the nuns in Nepal don't have that thick a hair.

It's funny. Those Nepalese nuns. I do a lot of Nepal jokes, please. Eric Griffin also plays a comedian in the 70s, and they just added, all they really did to change you is they just added two more inches of hair on the top of it.

I'm glad you said hair after two more inches. Shut up, Peters. I'm excited to have you guys back. We've all done this show together before. Are you guys ready to do this show? Let's jump right into it. We have a band, ladies and gentlemen. My favorite band in the world.

I feel like I'm going to be too close to the comedians. There we go. You are really out there in the middle of that stage. Josh pretty much gave the fuck up at some point today producing this show. He's left people outside. Guests weren't ready. He has like three things to remember to do. Let people in.

Have guests. No start show. Eric, I guess you're... And he came in real soft-spoken, too. Guys, I think Tony introduced you guys. I think he introduced you guys. No urgency at all. So at some point, if you could make your way to the stage... Yeah, yeah.

He gave us the option. By nine, at least. The Kill Tony Band, you can always count on them to be motherfucking ready. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Kill Tony Band. It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel, Joel Berg, Jimenez. Oh, wait a second. It appears as though there are some detectives coming into the room. Every week, they do. Oh, my God. Jeremiah looks detectives coming into the room. Every week they do.

Jeremiah looks like Barry Cash right now. It's creepy. Jeremiah obviously... Is Josh in there? Jeremiah is a pregnant detective. We hear about... He's got low-hanging balls right here. Hey, see? We hear about

a murder. We heard somebody killed Tony. Oh. Very cool. Wordplay. Detective Short Tie. And clearly his

elephant titus infested It's quite a hog on you, Jeremiah. Talk about Dick Tracy Hello Has anyone seen A saxophone Mystery

Solved How disappointing What's that? A saxophone tie underneath The saxophone tie underneath the saxophone. Wow. That's the real Jeremiah Watkins. Fuck yeah.

I feel so unsure. The old saxophone. Oh, shit. The old saxophone under the trench coat trick. Yeah. Rockets. Fuck yeah. I feel so unsure. The old saxophone. Oh, shit. The old saxophone under the trench coat trick. Yeah. It would be more impressive if it was a drum kit, Jeremiah. Yeah. That would have been hilarious.

Just a big drum. He just. Look out, ladies. Coming in. Well, it's always fun to see the band commit to characters throughout an episode. This detective one seems like it's going to be an interesting one. So I'm excited to start the show. Welcome to the show, Kill Tony Detective Band.

I wish Josh put as much effort as they did. I still haven't seen him since the show started. So we have a band and music being played? I'm really confused. Believe me. Is the DJ still trying to we have a band and music being played? I'm really confused. Believe me. Is the DJ still trying to be relevant? What's going on here? Wow, yeah.

You can tell which one's in control of the volume of the show. And not of his finger. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? The pieces are in place. This is Kill Tony. I pull a name out of a bucket. Whoever's name I say comes up and does 60 seconds of stage time.

Sometimes it's a top rising comedian. Sometimes it's a completely insane person. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten? That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Boom. There it is.

There you go. Where is Jerome? Jerome? We made that joke. I remember Jerome. I haven't thought of him in a long time. Alright, I pulled the name out of the bucket. We've seen this young lady on this show before. Put your hands together for Nicole Buchanan.

Oh. Put your hands together for Nicole Buchanan. I don't see movement. Anybody know if she's there? Is anybody coming? It looks like we have a murder to solve. I love the employees are pretending like they have no idea that a show is coming. Hey, guy that works here. I think they called you. Enjoy the show.

Just stand there and do nothing. You should come out and... Nicole, are you here? I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Rasheed Stevens, everyone. There he is. There he is. I got chlamydia my sophomore year in college.

And just like any... Shut the fuck up. Most of you guys had it too. Just like any 18, 19-year-old guy, I was young and dumb. For an entire week, I peed and it burnt like hell. And my only thought subconsciously was, damn, I got to stop eating these hot Cheetos, man. Hot Cheetos are fucking me up. And I had a best friend on my team.

He was 6'5", 300 pounds. He was my best friend. He was the only person I could confide in. I was like, Andre, man, this is a little embarrassing, man, but every time I pee, it burns like hell. He was like, fool, you like hot Cheetos too, man? I thought I was the only one, man. We out here slinging this hot Cheeto dick, man.

Cool. I'm done. Oh. There you go. 45 seconds of Rasheed Stevens. Fuck yeah, Rasheed. We have time for another venereal disease. Oh, yeah, I do.

Give me a whore. Watch. So, Rasheed, let me a whore. Watch. So Rashid, let's talk about it. I don't understand why we ever do that. It's pointless after they sign out. It shows how much time we've got. But we don't need to show that. It's not

a thing that ever needs to be shown for sure. Stop it down there. So Rashid, how long ago were you a sophomore in college? When did you actually get this? Because you say sophomore in college, but nobody knows. Are you a junior in college now? When is this? No, no, I wish I was.

Black don't crack. He's like 47. No, I'm 53. This was about three years ago. Three years ago. I was playing football up in Minnesota. You got chlamydia playing football? Yeah, you should have had a helmet on.

No, it was from me. I think because in high school, I wasn't really as promiscuous as I was until I got into college. Men aren't promiscuous. Women are promiscuous. Men are just fucking men. You don't beat around the bush. I was only like 160 pounds.

I'm 200 pounds right now. I was only 160 pounds, so I was insecure and stuff. Then when I got to college, I gained a lot of weight because I was playing football. And then one of them was throwing vagina at me and shit. So I was like, okay, cool. I'm not going to use a condom because they're throwing at me. So I ended up getting chlamydia. Did they use a spiral when they threw a vagina at you?

You said what? Did they throw a vagina at you in a spiral? Oh, no. Juggling. Juggling. Wow. Listen to that chant from the audience, which was probably as audible on the podcast as what Joel said with no mic back there and a cigarette in his mouth. Kill him.

I thought he had good stage presence. I thought he was a little meek for a guy like you. You were likable as soon as you walked up there. It's interesting. When I was in college there was no AIDS. We used to eat chlamydia for breakfast. Or toast.

With a side of herpes. What do you do for work? They called it just VD back then. They didn't distinguish between all of them. It was just called VD. And that was like herpes, AIDS, cancer. Everything was VD.

You got to be careful around Dan. Massive brain flux. How did you feel? How did I feel? What did you mean? Right here? Good. I mean, I wanted to kind of do something short.

I remember that was like something I did have short because I didn't want to go over the time I do a lot of storytelling and I know with that storytelling it's not enough for me so I just try to do a little short joke Is this one of the stories that you tell right now? This answer to this question?

I think I just got chlamydia from the story Rasheed, what do you do for work? I do this What do you do for work? I do this and I... What do you do for work? Comedy. You've said comedy three times. How do you actually make money, Rasheed? Film and comedy.

I just wrote, produced, and directed a feature film, a comedy film. I got an investor. He invested in it and it paid my rent for about six months. So the investor paid your rent? Yeah, he did. Wait a second. You used the money?

Hey, my mom's supportive too. You know what I mean? He gave me six grand. He invested in the family. He gave me six grand. Six grand? It was like $500 a month. Wait, this sounds exactly how a porno company starts.

Yeah, I know. Exactly. Are you in the movie with socks and shoes on? No. No, no, no. In the back of a bus? No shoes. Would you pretend to be a gangbanger?

Why does it have to be the back of the bus? You know you ain't supposed to be in this part of town? No, I don't know what I'm doing here. Me and the fellas need to talk to you. It's called the back of the bang bus. There it is. There's Joel Berg of the Bang Bus. There he is. There's Joel Berg. Yes.

I just said that. Listen to that roar. He said bang bus, though. It's all about that. I know. It's a Rosa Parks porno joke. Rasheed, let's talk about it. Where did you meet this investor?

You disrespectful motherfucker. Back of the Bang Bus. Oh, man. You disrespectful motherfucker. Back of the bang bus. Rasheed, where did you meet this investor? Through a third person. I met this chick on Tinder. Oh, there you go. For all of you wondering how to get your big Hollywood script made.

No, that's what I mean. I met her on Tinder. Swipe up for her. What did you meet her at? The free clinic? He didn't go to the clinic. Swipe up. You met her at CVS picking up your penicillin?

No, I met the chick on Tinder and... You do tell long stories. I got to. I'm from the South, man. I used to tell these long-ass stories. Met her on Tinder. Next part.

She invited me to a pool party and she was asking me what I want to do. I was like, I do stand-up comedy. Talk aboutass story. Met her on Tinder. Next part. She invited me to a pool party, and she was asking me what I want to do. And I was like, oh, you know, I do stand-up comedy. Talk about long-story wart, you know? Long-story what? Wart. Wart. As in long-story genital wart?

Is that better? No. No. Oh, no. The streak appears as though it has ended. Okay. She is my as though it has ended. Okay. She is my associate. Rasheed, so you're at a pool party.

I love that. That has nothing to do with the story at all. Infecting the entire pool. That's not a joke. I met up with Macy and invited him to a pool party. We just got to talk. So you're at the pool. We know you're not swimming in it, so you're talking.

Rosa Parks joke and black people can't swim. In one conversation. Might as well throw in he wasn't tanning either. Wait, is this a fat white girl you were talking to? Yes. Were you behind the grill when this conversation was happening?

He was wearing a grill. Wait, wait. Tell me about the... Oh my God. Yes. We only see two colors on this podcast. Black and white. And this guy's black.

Wow. Hey, don't go starting a fight again, tough guy. So you're at the pool. You're sitting outside of the pool. This girl's asking you what you want to do. You're like, I want to make movies. And this guy over your shoulder goes, what? I want to make Whoopi, but nobody says anything to me.

Okay. So back to the actual you making this movie, and then what happens? She, you know, after we got the conversation, she introduced me like a couple weeks later to the cat who said he can invest in me. Can we ask how much the investment was? How cool was this cat? $6,000. No, it was a low budget. It was just $75,000.

And you were able to make the movie for $1,500? No, $75,000. $75,000. $75,000. Actually, it was $81,000 because he gave him an extra six for rent. Yeah. Exactly. And you got it made. Actually, it was 81,000 because he gave him an extra six for rent. Yeah. Exactly. And you got it made.

What's it on? How can we find it? I just got the trailer on YouTube, but, I mean, we're working film festivals. I actually got a screening for it on Thursday at the L.A. Film School. Wow, look at this. We have a young lady in the front row who obviously has started conducting her own interview. You can definitely not say another word for the rest of the show, by the way. This is a live podcast, you buffoon.

Anyway, fucking dummies. I wonder what's happening here with all these microphones and speakers. Fucking people. Some fun old tourists. I wonder what part of the Midwest you're visiting from. I love it. Kansas, am I right? Am I close?

No? I don't give a fuck. Anyway, Rashid, back to you. Proving once again women need to stay in the kitchen. Oh, that's an old school detective. Solving yet another crime. Horse of truth has just... Why?

Why a horse? Because, no, it's the Horse of Truth. It's a running thing. It's not a racist thing. They're like, what is happening? However, the Monkey of Honesty could appear at any point. That was a black stallion. All right, Rashid.

Well, I mean, I'm excited. Is that the only STD you've ever had was chlamydia? To my knowledge, yeah. I mean, I'm excited. Is that the only STD you've ever had was chlamydia? To my knowledge, yeah. You might be infected right now. Maybe. No. I don't think there's too many words. You just cock-blocked the fuck out of yourself, Rasheed.

I don't think it matters. I think she's still... Yeah, that's what you want, Rasheed. Now black is daring again. I'm sure the chick that talks during the live podcast isn't annoying outside of here at all. Yeah, go hit that. There he goes, Rasheed Stevens, everybody. Your first Kill Tony guest.

He's on Twitter at Rasheed Stevens. Eric's about to do some stand-up for us right now. I just want to wipe off this chlamydia. I don't know, you're wiping it right by your dick, Eric. Yeah, it's really not good. She talks during podcasts, he talks during movies. They're probably a great couple. Jeremiah Walker is back after a three-week hiatus.

Wow, I just pulled another name out of the bucket. This guy quickly has become one of our favorite characters on this show. Very, very interesting guy who got into the game a little bit late. Put your hands together for Mystery Dan. Oh, I can see him coming from deep far away. Trademark white hair. Oh, I can see him coming from deep far away. Trademark white hair. Oh, he's... Thank you.

Oh, yeah. Dad? I am so sick and tired of these Star Wars fans and their stupid May the 4th joke. Every year on May the 4th, they gash up in their Star Wars uniforms and go around saying, May the 4th joke. Every year on May the 4th, they gash up in their Star Wars uniforms and go around saying, May the 4th be with you.

They think it's funny to mock people who speak with a lisp. I could suck a million dicks and nobody dare make fun of me, but talk with a lisp and it's open season. So this year I decided to get even. So I'm in this bar and this bunch of Star Wars fans come sass-ing in.

And this Princess Leia says to me, may the force be with you. So I pulled out a pair of scissors, and I cut off both of her buns. And she wasn't even wearing a wig. Then her friends jump in. I clip that Wookie's ass bare. And that Luke Walker Skywalker wannabe, I took his lightsaber and subbed it right up his ass. He had it coming, those fucking lispophobes.

Thank you, good night. Wow, good night indeed. Wow, that was the worst thing I've ever seen in my fucking life. I've always wondered, how bad can it get? That's as bad as it gets right there. So when you're not conducting an orchestra...

And when you're not out there neglecting your teeth, what are you doing? Yeah, those come out, right? Mystery Dan, you look like a serial... What? You are everything that I'm scared of, Mystery Dan. I mean,

look at you. Man, Cliff Richard looks terrible. Who's Cliff Richard? Who's Cliff Richard? Two people. Mystery Dan. You mean the Virgin America guy, right?

Richard Branson? Mystery Dan. I'm not aiming for Richard Branson. I tell people that I'm his good twin. Mystery Dan. Mystery Dan. Mystery Dan, over to your right over there. It's Pat Reagan.

It's impossible to get anyone's attention in this joint. I'm sorry. You got it. All right. there. It's Pat Reagan. It's impossible to get anyone's attention in this joint. I'm sorry. You got it. Mystery Dan, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and everything but the truth? I didn't quite understand that last part. Mystery Dan.

Keep laughing, wise guy. Mystery Dan, back over here. You're scary as fuck. That thing you did was terrible. So let's talk about your normal life. Where do you live? Do you live here in West Hollywood? East Hollywood.

Well, we talked before. You're gay, correct? Yes. Really? Mystery solved. You better be quiet, Jeremiah. This is the ghost of the future. Mystery, Dan, have you been making love to a lot of dudes lately?

Is that how your hair gets like that, by the way? Are those like handles for something like that? It just comes natural. Is that what happens when you take the two side ponytails out? It's like a handful of pubes. I'm too lazy to do ponytails. I've always wondered what John Hancock's pubes looked like. And looking at your skull.

Wow. Mystery Dan. What's the biggest cock you've ever had in your mouth? From the looks of it, it was a brown one. It was a little ATM action that day. Mystery Dan, if you had to guess

how big the biggest penis that's been inside of your mouth is, how big would you guess that that is? Very small. Very small? Wow. You specialize in... Delicious.

Whoa. Whoa. Oh, no. This is not good. We have live audio from the person who's... Oh, that's gross, Mr. Edan. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Somebody get that baby the fuck out of here. Mystery Dan. Oh? Can you describe the penis? He's got a log book and a pen,

and he's writing things even though Mystery Dan isn't saying anything. What is happening? Did it look like this, Mystery Dan? Did it look like this? Is this a suspect? Can you identify him in a gay lineup? Can you? Mystery Dan, why identify him in a gay lineup? Can you? Mystery, Dan.

Why is it always a small penis? I'm very confused. I'm more a top than a bottom. Oh, stop, stop. Put the baby away. More the top than the bottom. Eric, you're in business. Why am I the big bottom?

Wait, what does that mean, the top? So you're the fucker. Yeah. So why would you get the blowjob? Why did you not figure that out? What does that mean? But it's because he said, oh. No, it just means he eats a lot of asshole, right?

He's getting in there. No, you don't do that either? Do you have a hungry butt? No. What about a hungry heart? No one has fun with you. You're just straight like, give me this ass. I'm going to fuck this hole.

That's it? You're just all about the thing? No romance? There's no foreplay? Are you lube or spit? We just go right for it? Looks like puke, by the way. That would be my guess.

Since we're going down the dirt road, let's find out. Mystery Dan, you ever sucked a cock so long it made you think about doing something else? Isn't it fun when you can hear Pat write what he's saying right in front of you? It's always... You just start sometimes. True improvisation. Well, you know, it's tough because I have such a good time

listening to the comics riff on the show that sometimes I lose what I'm thinking about. There you did it again, right there. That was Dan crashing into a man's ass. Mystery. Dan, when's the last time... I almost just called him Mystery. Like, that's his first...

Hey, Mystery. Is it okay if I call you Mystery? Whatever works for you. When's the last time you made love to a man? About six weeks. When's the last time you fucked a man? About six weeks. Okay, same thing.

I did it twice that night. Where'd you meet that guy at? Right outside the subway station where I live. Subway station. I like the metaphor. I thought it was a pool party. You know what I mean? Subway station. It was a pool party. You know what I mean? Subway station.

One guy got it. It was a callback. So you're standing outside the subway station. No, I was coming out of the subway station, and these dudes were just coming back from the gay bar off the street. They happened to meet. It sounds like you were stalking. How do they know you're gay?

Because I didn't know you were gay when I saw you. Right. That seems tough to predict. I didn't know you were gay when I saw you. Right. That seems tough to predict. I wouldn't go, that guy. There's guys you look at and you go, that motherfucker right there. I remember when this show used to be funny. Remember that?

Yeah. We used to actually do comedy. I actually don't, Dom. I actually don't. Well. I actually don't. Well, they added a band and sound effects. Well, they've got to make up for it somewhere. It's the only time Red Band kills. Oh, come on.

Russell taking shots. Play a sound or something to get him back. I just... Mystery, Dan. When you're not on Mount Rushmore... Place on the scene, there's been a gunshot.

Wait, of all the sound effects you could choose from over there, the multitude of sound effects... Oh, no, no, no. You're going to make him do another one out of it. There you go.

All right. That's better. You can't play with the... That's pretty... That's why I want to put... If it was up to me, Red Band would be in one of those

Robin Quivers fucking clear booths in the back of the room. Like, hey, Robin, let's go to the news. This guy's frightening over here. Mystery, Dan. Back to you. So what do you do for fun, like when you're not just hiding under people's beds and things like that? Well, I pretty much just do like as many open mics as I can a day and go to the gym, and that's about my life.

Mic, gym, I see what you're talking about. I think six weeks is a little bit of a stretch, huh? Nothing better than opening mic, am I right? But I have fun doing it. He's a regular at Sal's Comedy Hole. Inside baseball for the comedians, but who cares? Mystery Dan, have you ever been with a woman before? Yes.

What was that like for you? What do you mean? It was very pleasurable. She's still in my freezer. There he is. Streak is back. Can you tell us when did you realize that you were gay?

When I was about two, probably. Two? Wow, you young, horny fuck. My God. He likes everything in the two. Yeah, we're still searching. I'm looking for the punchline. Has anybody seen my punchline? Anybody found it?

Let me know. Let me know. Has anybody seen the premise? Mystery Dan. Anything else? My mother had my younger sister, and she was changing her diapers, and I noticed that there was nothing between their legs, and I thought, well, boys are good and girls weren't very interesting.

Wow. And that's where it started. Yeah. You were looking at your sister's vagina. I mean, most guys wouldn't want to fuck their sisters anyway. Somebody ought to make a Goldie Hawn movie about that. I said most. Mom, how come my sister doesn't have a cock?

Oh, she'll get one. Daddy's coming home. Or his sister's pussy is so ugly that it scared him away from pussy for the rest of his life. Who knows? Maybe your sister's pussy turned many men gay. Most of my sisters are quite

attractive. Oh, really? And I'm guessing is that Mystery Anne? Have you subsequently seen her vagina throughout the years? No. Have you seen it since then? It might have improved. Have you seen her? Do you guys have the same hairdo or anything cool,

like anything random? No, well, my one sister marries a redhead and my youngest sister, Judy, has brown hair. Wow, okay, that's bad because what? You're a Nazi? I'm gray. What's going on? All right.

Mystery Dan, you are an interesting guy, and it's always a pleasure. Why do you go by Mystery Dan again? I just kind of thought it was a perfect name because most of my comedy is like sketch comedy with different characters, and so Mystery Dan just suits different characters. Oh, I just got that.

He doesn't have a lisp. Oh, yeah. That was one of the characters, Eric. Oh, okay. If he had a lisp, he wouldn't call himself Mystery Dan. Any of those characters What's your best character?

Lisp guy? No, that's my worst I only did that because it's a one minute bit Most of my routines are 5, 6, 7, 10 minute long How about Hall and Quaker Oats? Like that fake news thing I did I turned that into like a 7 minute bit I had a cult leader bit that was really good.

My pussy routine's really good. Your what? My pussy routine. What do you mean, your pussy routine? For some reason, I don't believe you have a routine. That's where he tucks his dick between his legs. Yeah. I did this.

Oh, yeah. I did this routine. I call it the pussy hack. And the premise of the routine is that I'm a hacky comic who discovers that he can get a laugh every time he uses the word pussy that I'm a hacky comic who discovers that he can get a laugh every time he uses the word pussy. What's a hacky comic? So from that point on I stooped to no depth or reached to no height

to bring the word pussy in the act. Wow this was horrible I wish I never would have asked any of these questions It spawned about four more routines from it. I call it the pussy chronicles I have no idea what you're even talking about anymore. There he goes, Mystery Dan, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much.

I mean that fucking bombing and with a lisp. It's a special 60 seconds he did here tonight. Ballsy. No, Colt Buchanan's here. Just letting you know. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Saul Simone.

Nicole's here. Nicole's here. Is someone coming to the stage? This system is absolute dog shit. By the way, I'm happy to announce you're the first audience to ever hear I'm going to release it right now. We are making a permanent move

to the main room of the Comedy Store this July. That's going to be interesting. We won't have these problems anymore. Here's Saul Simone, everybody. Breaking news. Saul Simone. Hey, what's up, guys? Yeah.

Hello. What's up? Big fan. Big fan. Big fan. You lied. I don't know the other two. You I kind of recognize, though.

Thanks. What's going on? Just do your minutes, Saul. Oh, it's a stand-up bit? I actually, to tell you the truth, I just kind of rolled in here with my buddy and everything, signed up. Done a little bit. My people are traditionally funny. Nothing?

Not a lot of Jew fans over here. All right. Christ almighty. Fuck. Let's see. Well, I'm an Orthodox Jew. I mean, right? I got a goofy ass fucking voice

notoriously cheap I don't know I just moved to LA a little while ago God you got like the meanest fucking mug on the face of the earth this guy's at least eating you're just fucking a lot of antisemitism

anyways yeah I just moved to the west coast pretty recently been cruising around checking out the architecture. This is something I actually thought was kind of funny. And, you know... There you go. Saul Simone making Mystery Dan look like Dave Chappelle. I'm sorry, but...

Holy shit. I just don't do this. Wow. No, relax, relax. Just soak it in. Don't just talk uncomfortably. I thought this was the list to get in the fucking place. I didn't know this shit.

I didn't realize it was a podcast. I don't believe you at all. I'm an alcoholic. We believe that part out of everything. That part makes sense. How much better shows can you possibly drink? Listen, every kind of light beer is kosher. You know, you got a little vodka in there.

This character is the worst. This is a character. This is you? Nope, I go to temple three times a day. That's bullshit. You're so full of shit. It's a bad character. It's like the lisp guy that Mystery Dan did.

It's a bad character, all your fucking wine. Where are you from, Saul? I'm originally from Providence, Rhode Island. I think all Jews are bad characters. That's a 50s detective character Jeremiah is playing. from, Saul. I'm originally from Providence, Rhode Island. I think all Jews are bad characters. Oh. That's a 50s detective character Jeremiah is playing. I'm sorry, I really didn't. 1940. 40. 1940. 40s.

Yeah, I got a creepy, you know, kind of rape voice. Saul, please, I know you think that voice is funny. Please just stop yapping for the sake of it. When we ask you a question, you can start talking, okay? That fucking thing you're doing is death. It's hot death. Wait, wait, wait. Saul, Saul, Saul,

you're not listening clearly. Saul, I need you to fucking listen. I don't need to listen to you, Saul. Listen to fucking me. You bombed for 60 seconds. I'm not just going to have you yap through this interview. I didn't know it was stand-up. Let's drop him in.

If he doesn't know it's stand-up. All right, let's drop him in. If he doesn't know it's stand-up, why don't we just move on? So, do you normally sign up for things and just bomb? Well, I thought it was the list to get into the bag. Get into the back of what? What were you coming here for if you didn't know there was a show going on? Let me tell you something.

The back of what? This thing is not for decoration. The front was 10 bucks. This thing was a sign-up sheet. But it wasn't. You just bombed in front of people. Are you trying to do stand-up in L.A.? They said they never call people. Saul, listen to the question.

Actually, I work in the ganja business. So you literally, so Saul, you literally just sign up on things assuming that it might be a free admission to a show? I mean, hasn't Israel seen enough bombing, honestly? God, that's the worst.

Saul, you gotta go. That's it. You're done. There he goes. Nobody clapped for him. God, is there anything worse than that type of character? Bad acting. I have no words.

Is the phrase the Jews run show business or the Jews ruin show business? Just a reminder, I'm Dying Up Here premieres June 4th on Showtime, 10 p.m. Oh, I get it. I get it. That's the theme of the night. Yeah. However, I just pulled. I get it. That's the theme of the night. Yeah. However, I just pulled another name out of the bucket. This young lady has had some really good sets on this show before.

Put your hands together for Jessie Johnson, everybody. Hey, guys. Oh, man. I'm so happy to be here. But to be honest, I've been really tired lately. I think I'm so tired because I'm working three jobs right now, which is some bullshit because I don't even have kids. So, I don't have kids, I don't have a man. I actually just got out of a five-year off-and-on relationship.

Yeah, I mean, it was toxic. It was so bad because the guy was the lead singer of a local ska band. It was awful. I can't believe I skanked around with him all those years, you know? And he still keeps trying to creep back into my life, you know? But I think I found a way to tell him off in a way he can understand. All right? I'm just like, brr, not interested.

Ha, ha, ha. What are you talking about? I just opened for real big fish. Cool name drop. Pick it up, pick it up. Yeah. Thank you very much. Jesse Johnson. Exactly one minute.

Coming in like a goddamn professional. Someone that probably actually wants to do stand-up comedy at some point in their life. That's fun to have you here. How you doing, Jesse? I'm doing so good. I'm so glad to be back. You've had amazing luck in the bucket.

Yeah, you have. You've been here for what, like a month? This starts my fourth week in the big city. So you didn't have sex with Mystery Dan. No. Well, I'll keep that one a mystery. Jessie, how's life going? How's living in L.A.?

You tell me. It's been going great. I've been doing a lot of comedy I'm going back home this weekend and I'm excited we've already seen enough of Los Angeles where's home Arizona I'm going to go back for the weekend it's my birthday on your premiere day

it doesn't matter happy birthday thank you very much. Happy premiere. How old are you? We'll be 27. Eight years too old for me, but so what? What am I going to do with some stretched out old 27-year-old?

Very nice, Dom Herrera. Very nice. But seriously, folks. All hanging there. What are you looking forward to doing when you head back home to Arizona? Do some shows, see my family, see my friends. Basic. Very basic indeed.

A lot of the shows out here are... I'm just a dumb cracker, Tony. I'm just trying to be interesting. Okay, I was wondering when the end of that answer was going to be, and there it was. Do you have a voicemail message on your phone? I don't know. You don't?

No. Like you mean a greeting, right? Yeah. You don't know what your voicemail is? You don't know if you ever recorded one? Haven't you heard of science's newest invention, your voicemail is? You don't know if you ever recorded one? Haven't you heard of science's newest invention? The voicemail? I must not, yeah.

How do you think of stuff like that? Yeah, it's quick over there. You're so fast with it. You're like California in the summer. You're on fire. That's my PI, Patty Reagan. Jesse, you flying or driving to Arizona?

I'm driving. What kind of car do you have? Well, I have a roommate who will be driving his car. Ooh, a roommate. A roommate. In his car. You have a male roommate, huh? Is he a comedian too? No, he's a musician. Ooh. Sky band?

Oh, thank God. What does he play? Rock music. What's the name of his band? He's not in a band. He's doing cover stuff. He covers? Yeah. Like what are some of his more popular covers that he does that you like? I don't know, honestly.

He was the brother of a comedian in Phoenix and I haven't heard him play it which comic? Sierra Miranda she is so he does karaoke is what you're saying right?

I don't know okie dokie sometimes Jesse I think just shuts down and stops listening I don't know. I don't know. Okie dokie. Sometimes Jesse, I think, just shuts down and stops listening. What else about you, Jesse? What else is going on in life? Anything interesting? Work yet?

Job? I have a job. I want to get another part-time job. What's your current job? I work at home as a personal assistant remotely. You work at home as a personal assistant remotely. You work at home as a personal assistant remotely. As you should. You'd be more specific because you're at home yet remotely. Is that a call center?

It's a company that makes e-learning videos. No offense to you. Fuck you stealing our jobs for. It's not like that. What is it? They make e-learning videos. So if you are a corporation, you have to make training videos.

What do you do? I do clerical work, data entry, research projects. Jesse, let me ask you a question. Yes, Detective Pat Reagan over there. You want to hang out after this? Yeah.

Yeah, look at that. Wow. Awesome. Anything else for Jessie, guys? This is her first time seeing her. She's got a little nervous energy. Yeah, you're a little nervous, but I appreciate that you came up here

and tried to do a set. Yeah. Thank you. I just signed up for all the free shows that I can do. I know it's weird to come up after that nonsense we just saw from the last two. What are you talking about? That was fucking brilliant, asshole.

The anti-Semitism in here, like, shut up. There was Uncle Semitism, too. Uncle Semitism. Yeah. All right, Jesse. Well, it was fun to have you on the show again. There she goes.

Jesse, everybody. Jesse Johnson. She's on Twitter at Jet Ski Johnson. Jet Ski Johnson. She does have very good bucket luck. Some of these people get pulled out a lot. Some of them never do. Who knows what can happen next? We've seen

sort of all spectrums of insanity so far. Put your hands together. This looks like another new name. Rayjean Tyler, everybody. Rayjean Tyler. Rayjean Tyler. If the United States isn't using the penile system as a recruitment tool for the United States military, then somebody needs to get fired yesterday.

Now, I know what you're probably not thinking. Rayjean, well, if we use the United States penitentiary system as a recruitment strategy for the military program. The point is there'd be a screener project. What are you in here for? Well, I sledgehammer three people to death. You are one crazy son of a bitch. He's in. I stole $95 million in diamonds across three states and 30 banks.

Get this guy a knife, a rope, and night vision goggles. And I know it sounds crazy. That is crazy. Fuck it. Wow. There he is, Rayshon Tyler. He makes Saul Simone look like Dave Chappelle. This thing just keeps going backwards.

How hard can we bomb? It seems the Jewish character took his clothes off. I love that you were almost cracking yourself up during the middle of some of that, Rayjean, while we all stood here staring at you. It was because he was trying to remember the fucking thing he said before that. I have PTSD from that.

Maybe his thoughts were funnier than the words you were saying. I think exactly. I kind of felt like I knew where he was sort of going, but he just didn't present it the right way. Rayjean, how long have you been doing stand-up? A week. It looked a lot better on paper.

Wait, did you describe your set or the length of time? And when you say it looked good on paper, did you draw smiley faces around the jokes or something like that? To where you were getting a better response physically on a sheet of paper than you were in a room filled with human beings packed to the gills? Packed to the gills, I know. It's kind of embarrassing. How long have you been a background actor for the movie Grease? He's Kenickie Stunt Double.

So you've been doing stand-up comedy for one week? For one week. Well, a week, yeah. Wow. So is it something that you've always wanted to do? I've been writing for quite some time, but... Where are you from? Minnesota.

How long have you lived in L.A.? Three years. How come you don't write comedy? Give that a shot. Dom, that was a good one. Even on paper, that was a good one. Thank you, Tony. Ray John, what do you do for a living?

How do you make money? I'm in sales. What are you selling? Freight. Space on a truck. Ooh. Sounds like an app. Freight. Doight. Space on a truck. Ooh. Ah. Sounds like an app.

Ooh. Freight. Do you download space on a truck? Do you want some space on a truck? Why am I talking like those fuckers? I don't know. Where's your boss's house, eh? Where's the paper? Is this your first time on stage?

No, I've done five. I've done some. It's open mics. Five open mics. This week. You started a week ago. Five in a week? God damn.

You are nervous as shit right now, aren't you? I'm not really nervous. It's just it sucked because I've done it a lot better in the fucking car. So it's like... Better in the car. Yeah. You know what? That's what my mother said.

Hello. Yes, she did, Patty Reagan. Yes, she did. I fucked the shit out of my hand before. I've had it fail on me with a woman. It goes better in the car, huh? That's a real thing.

Would you like to maybe FaceTime in your set next week while driving? Hopefully that reception's not as bad as this. Oh! Only if he has cricket mobile. Only if he has Cricket Mobile.

That's it. I'm out of here. Thank you. So, selling freight. How's your love life going, Rayjean? You have a smooth little, like, what is that? French, Rayjean? French, yeah. I was surprised that you pronounce it correctly. Yeah, well, I'm a fucking really smart guy.

Réjean, so how's your love life going? What's that like? I'm Réjean. I'm single. Really? Yes. That's my boy, Patty Réjean. When's the last time you had a girlfriend?

Minnesota? Yeah, Minnesota, yeah. Have you dated in the three years that you've been in L.A.? Yes, I have. Like, when's the last date you went on? What'd you do? We went to the Grove. You went to the Grove? Yeah, Minnesota, yeah. Have you dated in the three years that you've been in L.A.? Yes, I have. Like, when's the last date you went on? What'd you do? We went to the Grove. You went to the Grove? Yeah.

Oh, Jesus, that's terrible. That was not a good idea. Did I fuck her? No. No. Try to be respectable. Was that date idea... First date.

First date. Was that date idea to go to the Grove better in the car, too? Yeah. You know what? I'm out of here Sit back down Sit back down, Eric From the cradle to the grove Russell, let's get out of here We gotta get out of here You guys gotta stay

Russell just left in a helicopter. Okay, Rayjean. So you went to the Grove. Do you see a movie or something? That's a really, really bad idea. And I live right next to there. And I'm telling you, I see that happen a lot. I see people.

It's so clear when people are on these janky first dates. It's hilarious. Well, the plan was to eat at the farmer's market. Not a good idea. It's a fancy food court. We did go to the movies. We saw the new... A motion picture? What did you see? What did you see, Rajon?

I want to talk about how I've never met a white Rajon before. Is that the elephant in the room? You know what I mean? That fucker's name was Rayjean. He fucked a black Kim Kardashian. How'd you get the name Rayjean? I was named after a hockey player. Which one?

Rayjean. Is that one better? So apparently, if you're white and you're named Rajon, you have to carry that on to another. You know, I have a friend whose middle name is actually Rajine. Rajine? Joel Jimenez. Rajon is what they call the puck in Quebec. Wow.

It's a long walk back to that drum set from there. I'm not moving. I'm not moving. You know, he's got time to think about it. He's got to walk from there. It went better in the car if I'm not wrong. It's actually a landscaping truck,

but thank you. Oh, God. This is the strangest thing I've ever heard. I love it. It's just fucking home run derby. That's what this shit is now. So, Rayjean, we never got an answer. What was the movie that you saw at the Grove? We saw the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie.

And? Well? Then what did you do as the movie ended? Did you drive her? No, we met. You met at the Grove. It was kind of one of those things where we didn't know each other that well. We met at a gas pump.

Gas pump? You said you met her at a gas pump? At a fucking gas pump. We wrote letters back and forth, I swear. How did you meet her at a gas pump? Did you say, like, hey, what's up? Did you make the first... By the way you look, I'm guessing you went out to pump the gas.

Alright. So, premium, huh? They can't all be winners everybody I mean that was a pretty decent winner I mean what do you mean they can't Yes they can all be winners Tonight yeah So Rajon what do you mean you met her at a pump Be more descriptive

Gas pump on the corner of Not the location Meeting the fucking girl You got out of the car. You were getting some 87. That's good, Ray John. What happened? I got out of the car.

Wait, when you started, did you try to like upsell it? You got the 91? Don't listen to this. The wind was blowing. Wind was blowing. Yeah. Nice day.

Nice sun dress. And I'm like, damn, she's good looking. And then, so she's good looking. Hate you. And then what do you do I said excuse me

I know this is very weird But how are you I don't know what I said Something like that Wow Raishan That's usually the line You should open with the Military in the jails

Alright Raishan Well oh well oh well oh well What's that mom What's that mom All right. Rayshon. Well, oh, well, oh, well, oh, well. What's it more? What's it love it for sight? Scabby dog, scabby dog. Baby, it's a little light. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

This party is out of control. Look what you did, Rayshon. Tell me more, tell me more. All right, Jeremiah, that's enough. These guys love beating dead horses more than I don't know whoever beats dead horses. Ray John, what's the most interesting thing

about you? Any hobbies or special skills or talents or anything like that? He was named after a mustard, Ray John. That's his father, Dijon. Oh, thank you. I assisted, was waiting for the slam dunk. Appreciate it. Interesting?

Most interesting... Oh, God. Still the same question, Rayjean. You're going to kill me. Thanks to my cohorts, you've had a lot of time to think of a productive answer, I'm sure. Most interesting thing about you, Rayjean. I play sports. What, any...

Do you, uh... Okay, here's something, here's something. I came here to caretake an autistic 20-year-old, but that's not interesting. Call them what they are, retards. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Wow! My favorite part about that is Jeremiah lowering his head like I can't believe I said anything for the joke. Again, for the ladies that write the blogs. I can't believe it's not Asperger's.

For the people that write the blogs, again, Jeremiah is playing a character from the 1940s that is important to note when you're talking about the jokes that you heard on the podcast. Rayjean. Any times where having a name like Rayjean has come and backfired on you? For say, one time, yes. Wow. Okay.

I'm teaching you to say that. I was looking for a room. I know. I ask questions that could lead you into being interesting. I'm trying my best, Rajon, and you're really making me work here. Okay. I was looking for a new apartment, and the person that I was texting, the potential roommate,

didn't text me back because he thought I was black. There you go, perfect example. All right. Well, Rajon, it was nice to meet you. You're one week into stand up it's only going to get better I know that because it can only possibly get better than what you did here tonight there he goes Rajon Tyler everybody

R-A-J-O-N Tyler all one word on Twitter we're flying through him tonight flying through him tonight we got Josh Martin in the back standing right next to Stepdad Pete is in the house. Oh, shit. Everybody loves

Stepdad Pete. Stepdad Pete. Okay. Now, boy, this is a fucking compelling episode of Kill Tony tonight. That's what we're having. We met this guy for the first time last week. You should always be careful when it's one word names. Put your hands together for Landon, everybody.

Landon. He. Landon. He's not here. He's not here. Is anybody coming? You guys see movement? Perfect. I never understand that. Let's keep moving ahead.

Why put your name in and leave? What is that? Well, they don't. A lot of these people are completely insane. Put your hands together for Nicole Ritchie. Oh, no. Nicole Ritchie, everybody. Okay, yes, that's really my name.

I married a guy that was not a flight attendant at the time named Dusty Ritchie and we ended up having five kids together and then he took off to be a flight attendant and he gets offers Dusty Richie, and we ended up having five kids together. And then he took off to be a flight attendant, and he gets offers daily to have his dick sucked by all the guys on the plane because they think he's all gay. We really are married. I'm from Texas. We live in a trailer in an RV park in Oregon.

Sure do, with five kids. 15, 14, 8, 6, and 2. And I get to stay home with them all the time. This is my first vacation in like 5, 10 years. So, we're coming here. And he's so excited I'm here. And I'm supposed to tell you,

sir, that my favorite kind of porn is girl on girl. So, he listens to you guys every week, and he's probably going to die when he hears I'm here. He's in Texas playing indoor soccer, and he's not gay. And no, I'm not related to Lionel.

Okay, Nicole Richie. Now, this is actually interesting. This is a goddamn anomaly. Let me get this right. You're going to talk into that microphone the whole time. This is your first time ever performing anything with a microphone, right? Yes. Okay. Let's just take note.

Very good. Let's just take note that she just did better than 90% of the people that have performed here tonight. Right off the bat. With almost no punchlines, but just talking about the silly actual shit in her actual life. Let's also take note that earlier in the show,

she disrupted the show. Oh, I did not. That was her. Your other girl. That was her. That was the other girl. Yeah. That was the other girl.

That was Donna Disruption. That's Hannah. That's Hannah. You're getting your dames confused, Tony. That's right. Not Nicole Richie. Nicole Richie would not be rude. Nice stems.

Not to Tony. So this is the first time in 10 years you haven't been pregnant. Yeah, pretty much. You have five kids. Hey, who the fuck has the kids if you're here and your husband's in Texas? My 15-year-old has the kids at home. Wow. My neighbor.

Fuck yeah. We're all taking part in a felony right now. Yeah, this is like child services. Neighbor supervision. I think it's legal. I love that. In the trailer park it is. In another state, though, like child services. Neighbor supervision. I think it's legal. I love that. In the trailer park it is. In another state, though, by the way.

In the trailer park, they think that's mom. RV resort. And that's in Texas? Oregon. Oregon. How long have you been living in a trailer? A little over a year. You just looked at your watch for a moment.

For the date. A little over a year. You bought an iWatch but not a home? That's right. Priorities! for the date. A little over a year. You bought an iWatch but not a home? That's right. Priorities! Oh my God. That is so funny.

Yeah. So this is awesome because you're like, you like know and you're like owning who you are. You get it. There's kids with no books in the trailer.

They are homeschooled. Thank you. Wait, they're homeschooled? You mean they're trailer schooled? What the fuck are we talking about? They're motor homeschooled. Road school, technically. And the two-year-old's starving because she brought the food with her. Tomorrow we have to take the wheels

off our school. The wheels on the school go round and round. Wheels on the house. The wheels on the house go round and round. The wheels on the house. The wheels on the house go round and round. Round and round. Wow. You have five kids.

What's the youngest again? Two and a half. Two and a half. And how old are you? I'm 30. Damn. God damn. Jesus Christ.

Wait, you had your first one at 15? No. No. My oldest two are my husband's. I adopted them. Oh, that is just. Yeah, because we thought he was just. We thought your husband was just.

And they're six months apart. So, you know. We thought your husband was just waiting for your pussy to heal. Just to be like. How many. You ready for another one? How many liters of Mountain Dew a day does your husband drink? Rock Stars, Monsters.

Wow. Speaking of Monster, the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour this August. TonyHinchcliffe.com. I love Monster Energy drink. I really do. Well done, Tony. I'm excited to be working with such a great, cool company. Which color is your favorite?

And don't forget June 4th. I'm dying up here on Showtime. Yes, June 4th. And don't forget Jim's Trailers. Visit Jim's Trailers for every trailer need that you need. Jim's Trailers. Now, I'm very excited to be speaking with you, Nicole.

You seem cool and honest and like you actually get the interview part of this show. What is one of the wackiest things you've seen go down at the trailer park? I'm obsessed with... Her husband's sucking dick. That's on the airplane. That's only on the plane.

Somebody graduated from high school. Yeah, they came in with one of these hats with this flat thing on the top. I didn't get it. I was like, what happened? Did your ball cap get run over by a truck? What's that dangly

thing? It looked like he had nipple tassels on his hat. I don't get graduating. I don't even know. You don't need to graduate to get cream pie. You know what I mean? How many females have you been with?

What is that? That has nothing to do with anything we've talked about. So your favorite porn is girls, but you've never been with one. And you live in a trailer park. The math doesn't add up. I know. There you go. There you go.

I'm glad we got that one. You know what else? You guys have never made out ever. That's very good. We've been together for a month. Well, get on out of here! Oh, shit. All right, guys. That's Cesar. Hey, go! out of here! Oh, shit. Alright, guys, that's Scissor.

Hey, go! Scissor, Scissor, Scissor, Scissor. Alright, this party's out of control. Oh, shit. Nicole, do your kids... I think that all queers go to hell. Unless... Oh, my God.

All right, dude. Unless they're two attractive white women who are willing to make out. But you two will do. Damn it! Nicole, uh... The Hammer! How white trash are your kids' names? What are your five kids' names?

Travis, Tyler. Ethan, Billy Joel. Jimmy Ray. Samantha. Sarah Jane. Mary Joel. You want an answer? Bilbo.

You done guessing? Yeah. Come on. Keith, Kevin. No? Yep. No? Yeah. Come on. Keith, Kevin? No. Yep. No?

Let her tell us. Hannah, Chase, Elle, Mason, Luke. Chase is the most white trash name out of them all, right? Any Chase you've ever met has one of those little rat tails, right? Like a little baby ponytail. Does he have one of those? No, he doesn't. He lives in Texas.

How many mullets? How many mullets in your family? The other ones all live with us. Oh, Chase is the one that went to Texas. No, he stayed in Texas with his mom. Yeah, he lives't. He lives in Texas. How many mullets? The other ones all live with us. Chase is the one that went to Texas. No, he stayed in Texas with his mom. Hannah and Chase are six months apart. That's so cool. Three of yours.

No, no, no. You misunderstand. Do you have children? Me? No, no, no. I live my dreams. How long does it take to have a baby? So nine months. Oh, nine months. You've got two baby mamas. I get it.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. Sometimes I get the episodes of Jerry Springer confused in my head. Yeah. So this guy's spreading his seed all over trailer parks all over America. Hell yeah.

Hey, so when the first guy was talking about chlamydia, were you like, I know. No, there's an application process. all over America. Hell yeah. Hey, so when the first guy was talking about chlamydia, were you like, I know. No, there's an application process to date somebody in a trailer park. So you hand it out, and you're like, have you had an STD? Yes? Okay, you go to that trailer park.

Not this one over here. Oh, you guys are the classy trailer park? We're the classy trailer park. That's right. We're the RV resort. I can't tell if this is true or not, and I'm a detective. What part of Texas is this?

Well, I'm from Texas, but I live in Oregon now. What part of Oregon? Like the middle of nowhere? I live on the base of Mount Hood, so Welch's. Good meth out there. There is a lot of it. A lot of meth. A lot of meth.

A lot of meth. Yeah. Now, what is your current, what does he do for work? He's a flight attendant. A flight, that's right. What airline? Southwest. Of course.

Does he sing and do the things? Is he going to be that or spirit? You know what I mean? He doesn't sing often, I don't think. Oh, he might. He might shake his ass for somebody. I don't know. He likes to dance.

Wait, you know what? You mentioned how he's not gay like eight times. He's not gay, but he can shake his ass better than any white boy I've ever seen. We don't even know that. Better than a black girl. If there was a picture of him up here or something, then we would be like, you know. It's crazy. I don't believe it.

So what you're saying is he's a little bit light on the locals. I'll bring him next time. He's got some sugar in the tank? I don't know. All right, Nicole. Tell us, you have any hobbies or anything like that when you're not raising kids? What do you do for fun?

When I'm not raising kids, I... I shine the house tires. Ooh. That is so... Finally! Joel Berg. Joel Berg. What are your hobbies, Nicole?

What do you do for fun? I like to swim. We go hiking. Workout. Above ground pool. Without using the... I want you to do something cool. Because my mom, believe it or not...

My dad's Italian, but my mom, totally white trash. So I'm excited to do a little thing we've never done before. For this test, I want you to put the microphone away from you like that. I want to hear if your kids are out playing, what do you say or yell to get them all to come to the trailer at once? Without yelling

into the mic, put that, extend your arm out. How do you do it? Pretend you just opened the trailer door. Go ahead. You. Wait, that's it? Are these puppies that you're raising? Hey, how much fucking yard space do you think they have? I think it's a lot.

It's like three feet. Those kids, they go way down the fucking dirt road. Ethan, Hannah, get in here! It's like you're yelling at Chase who lives in another state. Oh, jeez. Chase lost his dad, but he gained a roof over his state. Oh, jeez. Chase lost his dad, but he gained a roof over his head.

Oh, my God. These guys are ruthless tonight. If I catch you boys whacking around my camper again... Boy, I'll tell you what. You know what, though? I gotta say, though, in all seriousness, you got a great attitude

for someone with all the, you've got a great attitude for someone, all the things you're saying. It doesn't sound like it's an easy situation all the time, but you're enjoying life, and good for you. I'm sure you're raising some great kids. You don't look stressed out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, but...

And that is awesome. Clearly, as a fan of this show... I'm half Italian. Oh, there you go. As a fan of this show, you clearly have a. There you go. As a fan of this show, you clearly have a great sense of humor. At least we can all rest assured knowing that you're spreading that to all your

amazing children that you have compiled. We have compiled. Nicole, it was so awesome to have you on. You were probably my favorite so far tonight. There she goes, Nicole Richie. Thank you, baby mama! Baby mama.

Very impressive. Right back to seat 1A, right in the front. That's awesome. Have you ever had Mexicans? Oh, shit. I know what real queso is, not this West Coast bullshit. Right, girl?

Brian's had a little too girl? All right. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Brian's had a little too much to drink tonight. Yay. What the fuck, Tony? Okay, that never worked either. Put your hands together for Jessica Mears, everybody, another human being. Here she comes. Thanks.

So I worked at Hooters for five years. I didn't realize you actually, you have to be a really strong person to work at Hooters. Just the amount of disrespect you have to deal with can be pretty ridiculous. Like it's our policy there to ID everyone, so that's what I did, just trying to do a good job this old guy orders a beer I asked to see his ID he says to me like I haven't heard this a million times before in my life he goes you know I could be your dad I'm like yeah I know my mom's a

whore I know who my dad is, you asshole, you know? My dad never went to college. He was just a plumber, but he was a really good plumber. He was a really hard worker. One day he got a really good job traveling all over the world building nuclear power plants. It's like crazy inspiring. And do you know what his secret to success was? He abandoned his family.

I think that's about a minute, huh? That is right there, Jessica Mears. Well done. Fuck yeah. Wait a second. Did she actually tell real jokes? I know. What's happening? What is that?

That was very nice. I'm not sure what you think this is, lady. Where do you get the balls to come in here and be funny? With those hooters. Jessica, you really do have

gigantic boobs. Thank you. Are those real? Uh... Uh... Spoken like a true flapper. I like to say that nothing in life that's perfect is ever real wow that's a sad album

my wife's got great tits oh that was actually a very braggadocious comment I think it was poetic I'm from Jacksonville Florida oh well there you go how about the tits? Where are they from? Beverly Hills?

Ancient Chinese. Dr. Goldstein. Pontevedra Beach, Florida. Ooh, Pontevedra. That sounds like the discount boob job place, right? Oh, no. Buy one, get one free. Did you get under the muscle or above the muscle?

Under the muscle through my armpit. Interesting. Oh, so you didn't fuck up the niddles. Right. I like my boobs like I like my potatoes. Lumpy. You really like your potatoes like that? Yeah, mashed potatoes.

Lumpy, see? Did you really work at Hooters in Florida? Yes. For how long? For about five years. What do you do now? I'm currently unemployed. If anyone knows anyone hiring bartenders...

Yeah, Hooters. Case closed. Patty motherfucking Reagan. It's actually real sad. I went back and applied at Hooters. I think I'm too old to work there now or something. Not with those new tits you're not. Show them the

tits right there. She got the tits and then started working at Hooters. Is that how it works? Did Hooters pay off the tit money? No. Did you make big tits? I worked at Hooters and it took me four years to save up boob money working there with no boobs. Wait, so you already worked at the titty place.

Yeah, I got a job off my personality there, which was crazy. Now, this is interesting because a lot of girls work at a strip club to be able to afford college, right? Now, you were working at Hooters to be able to afford boobs. Yeah, I did. To be able to work at a strip club. Am I right? Is this wrong? Why were you paying for boobs?

I just love titties. I just wanted them. Being around them every day was very inspiring. Can we see it without the jacket on? Brian, stop what you're doing. Brian, you are so disgusting. Brian, stop it. Brian. Alright.

Jesus. How dare you make her jacket Stop it. All right. Jesus fucking Christ. How dare you make her jacket off when I'm going to? You went from a what to a what? Like a 34B to like 30. That was a nice size already. From a girl to a woman. 34B and what are we looking at now? Like a 34DD.

34DD. Fuck yeah, like the battery. Big ass batteries. Really? Tony, there's some kind of tingle tango going on in my pindy panties. His boy parts are getting itchy.

Do we all have to go like this? My detective compass is pointing to the scene of the crime. Apparently, North is that way. Wow. Yeah, I don't know. I started working at Hooters because it was a flexible schedule. I could do stand-up at the same time. Kind of like being a whore.

They would hire you with no experience. And also, you have to talk to your tables and entertain them. So it was kind of like unlimited stage time. They'll listen to you if you have boobs. Do you think that they were listening to you? Hilarious! So you thought you were killing, huh? I was, I was.

They didn't even know you had a face. For the first four years, the first four years, I didn't have the boobs. Oh, okay. That's true. And then you came in with the boobs, and then that's when... And that's when I was like,

I'm too good for this place. Wow. Isn't that a perfect example? How did you quit? Did you walk in the boobs and then that's when... Game changer. And that's when I was like, I'm too good for this place. Wow. Isn't that a perfect example? Yeah. How did you quit? Did you walk in the office and go, these tits were made

for walking? That's where your good old Nancy Sinatra reference. I'm all on point tonight. So you walked into the Hooters manager with the new titties

and you said, unemployed is better than Hooters manager with the new titties. And he was all like. And you said, unemployed is better than Hooters with these titties? I left there to bartend for the PGA Tour. Oh. Oh. The PGA Tour. Hole in one. What kind of drinks did they have you make at the PGA Tour?

What was Tiger was drinking? Golf stuff. Arnold Palmer's. John Daly's. I never served. I don't think I ever served an actual player. Did they serve you? Little Tiger Woods action.

I fucked a caddy a few times. Is that true? You fucked a caddy or in a caddy? A caddy. In a car once. He gave you a seven iron golf car. A caddy in a car once. He gave you his seven iron? Golf car?

Did he have a Volkswagen Golf? You thought that the tea was going to make it funny? It did! It did! Wow. Jessica when do those what do the boobs help and when do they hurt? What's the positives and minuses of having tits like that? What would you recommend someone having? It's real tough to find

any negatives because I feel like if somebody is sexualizing you off of your boobs, who gives a fuck? That only means something if you let it mean something. But if you back up yourself with some substance, like my jokes are actually

funny. I was telling Jeremiah this about his boobs just the other day. So, I don't know. I feel like if I get somebody's attention because of the way I look, that's fine as long as I retain their attention because of the way that I don't know. I feel like if I get somebody's attention because of the way I look, that's fine. As long as I retain their attention because of the way that I am. Right. That makes sense. Thank you, Tony Robbins.

Yeah. Thank you. Titty Robbins. Titty Robbins. Tony Floppins. Mary Titty Poppins. How long have you been unemployed for? Since the middle of March Middle of March

So you're running out of money eventually here Yeah Well I was on a show before I lived in an RV when I was traveling Oh Wow This is Do you know Cicerella?

Yeah you should So I sold the RV And I've been living off of that, and I am running out of money. But I had shows in Texas and Florida that I lined up when I thought I was going to be there for work, so I figured I should go do those shows and then just lose money. And now I'm back and don't have any shows and don't have a job, so I'm going to get on that, I swear.

I would give you $127.50 if you let me finger you. What the fuck? That's a hard pass. He broke eye contact and looked out in the audience for that last part. It's really one of those you had to watch it live.

He was working the inflation in his head. Would you like to do the Ice House Friday? Yes. Wow. I think we just found out the shortcut to Brian's heart. You guys are wondering how to get spots at the Ice House. 34DD seems to be the...

Well, no. Jessica, that's very funny. Are you the only person in your family that got a boob job? Yep. Are you close with your dad? Not really. Has he ever seen you since getting the boob job? What did he say?

Was he all like... Was he trying to get close? My dad's favorite restaurant was Hooters. He's exceptionally proud of me. He really like exceptionally proud of me. He really took you under his wings. It's a Hooters joke.

It's better than the spinach dip. Have you played the Hooters on Sunset Boulevard or Hollywood Boulevard? Have you played that? I haven't. You should try it. It's a great mic. It's I think every Wednesday. Yeah.

Check it out. I just toned it down. The Hooters at Hollywood and Hill. You should try it. It's a great mic. It's, I think, every Wednesday. Yeah. Check it out. It seems like Brian... I just toned it down, man. The Hooters at Hollywood and... You fucking transparent motherfucker. I'm going to be an all proper... You know, there's an open mic. Would you like to do a spot on Friday?

I have a spot at the Ice House and a reservation at the Olive Garden. Why don't you put on your fucking... There she goes. Jessica Mears, ladies and gentlemen. She's on Twitter at the Jessie Marie.

So many fun young ladies on this show tonight, so why not bring up another one? You know her as the regular of this show. She writes and performs a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. She's absolutely one of my favorite comedians to watch. Make some noise for the great

Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. I got this haircut recently thinking that it would make me less narcissistic, but I wasn't expecting to look this hot. I keep getting objectified as a mannequin. I went to a museum the other day with some friends

and I felt really stupid at the museum. Not because I don't know anything about art, but because I don't know any other words to describe it than cool. I'm a slow worker. Every job I've ever had, they've told me I'm slow. I think it's because people think that I'm high all the time. Because I am.

I just applied for a new job. I'm looking for a new job. I'm looking for a new job. Not at Hooters, but at a hotel cleaning rooms. I don't know if I'm just really desperate for a job or if I love unsolved mysteries. Boom. Allie Makovsky, exactly 60 seconds.

That's going to be a record. 59.99 on the dot. Jokes the whole way through. I think she told more jokes than we heard the whole night. Exactly. All at once. And I'm including the band. And she's the only one out of all those people that do this show every single week.

But here you are laying it down again. A million dollar baby. 21 years old. Doesn't have cancer. Not yet. Uh-uh. Doesn't have cancer. Not yet. Uh-uh. Doesn't have kids. Or chlamydia.

Not yet. Those were great jokes the whole way through. How's life going for you? Life's good. Just hanging, living, loving. She's just a mama. Hang out with any skateboarder boys this week? Oh, my God, yes yes is that true yeah no i've been skating

lately um but it sucks because i want to like look cool in front of them but i can't like ollie or anything and then i'm just like that girl at the skate park who's like can you teach me how to ollie you know yeah one in the rank two and the stink or something like that skating on thin ice I wanna bowl movements I wanna like like there's this super hot guy

and we actually matched on tinder and I skate with him sometimes and I wanna be like hey have you heard of this new trick it's where you get

on the board and we just fuck on the board that wasn't great delivery but you know I went for it you You're gonna fund his movie for $75,000?

$81,000. Sorry. It's interesting that a couple of skateboard kids are on Tinder. I find that whole thing funny. Yeah, I just deleted it. Oh, you deleted it? Yeah, in a fit of rage. Why'd you delete it? Well, because I matched

with that guy, and then I was like, this isn't going to go anywhere. You were just like, fuck this whole app. Yeah, and I'm getting less swipes because of my haircut. I know. You had to switch the pictures, right? You can't catfish these guys. No, I can't. What?

You should have put nothing compares to you in your profile. My latest bio was all of these pictures are 20 years old. You should have a picture of you ripping up the picture of the Pope. Yep. Yep. Sinead O'Connor references the whole way around. Do you feel like you're going to

keep the hair for a while? Yeah, I like it. I like it. Keep it. What, next week she'll be like, okay, I'm just going to grow this back right now. Yeah, no, I keep shaving it. I like it. You say keep it. I mean, what does she want? What next week she'll be like, okay, I'm just going to grow this back right now. Yeah, no, I keep shaving it. I like it shaved. It's nice.

So do I, but, you know. It'll grow back. Have you seen Minority Report? No, I actually haven't. Okay. You're looking like one of the pool people. Take your word for it. You know, I took Allie on the road with me.

Oh, my gosh. Is that true? Yeah, last time I was on this show. I tell everyone. What did you end up doing together? So we did the Ontario Improv. And boy, did I bomb. No, she didn't.

It wasn't good. But it was a great learning experience. People in Ontario don't know about Jews. Yeah. Oh, they know. That's why they're there. Yeah, I was like, so I'm Jewish. And they were like, ugh.

Aye, aye, aye. I was like, but Russell's coming up, so just forget that I was ever here. No, she killed it. Don't listen to her. It was a great experience. Very humble. I would have told you if she sucked. I would have been like, yeah. She didn't kill. No, she didn't kill. My mom came out to one of them.

My mom came out to one of them. That's right, I met her mom. Mom's a comedy fan. Yeah, she's the best. She's great. She's watching right now. We love Mrs. McCall. Yeah, she texted me before the show. She was like, fuck, I should her mom. Yeah. Mom's a comedy fan. Yeah, she's the best. She's great. She's watching right now. We love Mrs. McCartney. Yeah, she texted me before the show. She was like, fuck, I should have come. I didn't know Russell and Dom and Eric were on the show. Yeah.

I don't know why you gave her a strange voice like that. I don't know either. That's not how she talks. My wife does that when she talks about me. It makes me all fucked up. Yeah, it just gives me the worst. And then he said, What the fuck are you doing?

That was spot on. And then he said, What the fuck are you doing? That was spot on. Make some noise for the great Allie McCoskey, ladies and gentlemen. She did it again. Allie McCoskey! Another brand new minute.

From the great Allie McCoskey. In North Ontario. Oh. Russell Peters and Allie McCoskey are there. It's Neil Young Awesome I love it Ladies and gentlemen We absolutely fucking did it

That's another episode of Kill Tony That's what it feels like That's how it goes Thank you This is the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt Make sure you watch I'm Dying up here. New original drama series from Showtime this June 4th. And July 7th, my hour special will be on Showtime.

Yes. The Showtime baby over there. I'll be in Kilkenny all week if anybody's in Ireland. Hey, we have a lot of fans in Ireland. All right. You've been going there every year, right? You know why? Because I kill.

Kenny. He's the only one that does Kill Tony, Kill? You know why? Because I kill Kenny. He's the only one that does kill Tony, kill Kenny, and he's going to kill Orlando this weekend for Russell Peters. That's the improv. We have Mohegan Sun in Connecticut this weekend. All right. I'm on the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour, the Tony Hinchcliffe 2017 Summer Tour. I go to theaters and rock venues all around the country the entire month of August. But this weekend I'm in Salt Lake City and then I host the Cannabis

Cup on Sunday. The High Times Cannabis Cup in Oakland, California. But seriously, it's all about I'm dying up here. That's what it's all about. You can download the Showtime app, get a free month. It starts June 4th. You can also see it on YouTube right now. And this isn't a joke.

This is seriously my new favorite show. Melissa Leo plays the comedy club owner. She's a fucking Academy Award winner. She's great. You just can't beat it. She plays the Mitzi, kind of, I guess you would say. I also love Shameless, Billions, and Dice. All those fun shows are on Showtime. But this cast, I mean, it's incredible.

Eric Griffin, Dom Irera, Andrew Santino. Yeah. Al Magical. Al Magical. Melissa Leo. I would have been in it, but they didn't have Indians in the 70s. Jeremiah Watkins. We're not out in public. Hey, I'm Jeremiah Watkins.

You can reach out to me on social media, at JeremiahStandUp, or you can see me at Clusterfest, Comedy Central's festival, San Francisco, this weekend. Joel Jimenez is on Twitter at Mostly Sorry. Pat Reagan did a great job tonight leading the band. Little pre-show warm-up. Patty Reagan, anything else? At Patty Reagan on social media.

Bad Chat on Spotify. That's my boy, Patty Reagan. He has a great album. I love Pat Reagan's music. Brian, you're going to Toronto. Yeah, July 27th with Sam Tripoli, Ian Edwards, Dean Del Rey. We're doing a bunch of shows. My hometown. Queen Elizabeth Theatre.

Is that a good theatre? Oh, that's a great theatre. It's a big theatre. Desquad, Toronto. If I'm in town, I'm dropping by. Please stop by. Live audience, say hi to us on the patio after the show. I love you guys. Have a great night. You get what you deserve. L.A. Speedway.

L.A. Speedway, of course. We love L.A. Speedway. Get bowed down before the one you serve. You're going to get what you deserve Bow down before the one you serve You're going to get what you deserve I'd rather die Give you control Headlock the whole

I'd rather die than give you control Headlock the hole, block and destroy I'd rather die than give you control Headlock the hole, block and destroy I'd rather die than give you control Headlock the hole, block and destroy I'd rather die than give you to death.