KILL TONY - KILL TONY #215

Episode Date: June 10, 2017

Big Jay Oakerson, Ari Shaffir, Andrew Santino, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 06/05/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad Go to our website deathsquad.tv for everything that we do Including video portions to the podcast And live shows Click on our tour dates And you'll see that we not only do Kill Tony every Monday At the world famous comedy store

But we have every first and third Friday We were at the Ice House Every second and fourth Wednesday We're at the Laugh Factory. And Death Squad Toronto just went on sale July 27th with Dean Del Rey, Sam Tripoli, Ian Edwards, and me. That's July 27th at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. You can go to thecornercomedy.com for tickets or just go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has a website, The Golden Pony.

Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all his tour dates. He's about to go on this huge tour for Monster Energy. So check it out, TonyHinchcliffe.com Also, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the new Kill Tony poster. Go to RyanJEbelt. Ebelt, the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the new Kill Tony poster.

Go to ryanjebelt.com. All right. Don't forget shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We've got some hats in stock. We also have some new t-shirts coming soon. So check out shopsquad.tv. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of

Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatch. Wow, look at this big fun crowd. You guys ready for a fucking awesome night or what? Brian Red Band is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, guys. On the ones and twos. We have the great Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. Bam.

Welcome to Kill Tony. This is the number one live podcast in the world. We have more fun on Mondays than anybody else on the planet. Excited you guys are here. Yeah. So much fun stuff coming up for you podcast listeners. you guys are here. So much fun stuff coming up for you podcast listeners.

The Monster Energy Outbreak Tour that I'm doing in the month of August where I go to like 17 or 18 different cities. That's all available. Tickets available at TonyHinchcliffe.com Awesome. And I'm coming to Death Squad Toronto next month July. End of July, go to DeathSquad.TV

Click on Tour Dates. I'm so excited about this show that I just want to jump right the fuck into it. Let's do it. Me too. Let's bring up tonight's guests. Here at Kill Tony, I say it every week, all my funniest friends come on. This week's a

very, very special one. Make some noise for the great Big J. Oakerson, Andrew Santino, and Ari Shafir. Yee-hoo! Fuck yeah, baby. Big Jay's last episode was in Austin with a guy on mushrooms. Andrew Santino from my new favorite show on Showtime, I'm Dying Up Here.

Santino from my new favorite show on Showtime, I'm Dying Up Here, and the power Jew, the return of my big brother from another mother, the great Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen. He's back home at the Comedy Store. I'm back. With a brand new double special coming out in July on Netflix called Double Negative. July 18th. Everybody, please watch. July 18th. Everybody, please watch.

July 18th. Oh, man, Tony, you got a lot of people here. Yeah, baby. Back row. Yeah. I didn't listen to all those notes you gave me over the years. Well, the wings are still closed. Yeah, yeah, we're getting there. You weren't that big of a draw. I'm so excited

that you're going to be streaming on Netflix July 18th. Andrew, I'm obsessed with your show. I'm dying up here. Have you guys seen this shit on Showtime? It's unbelievable. If you think this place is cool at all, then it's going to be a very easy watch for you because it's basically this

with amazing, amazing storylines. Santino, you're killing it. You're a huge part of it. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Even if you don't like stand-up comedy, just watch it, okay? Yeah. It's very compelling. I would really appreciate it if you did. And fun. And you could get the Showtime app for free if you don't have Showtime. Just download it.

Or, hey, call your provider. Call them and get Showtime for free, and then cancel as soon as it's over. It doesn't matter. You see those numbers, man. You know that box thing they used to have to judge the ratings? Yeah. What's that called?

Nielsen. Nielsen. Do they still do that? I think they do. They do it now through boxes like Apple TV and stuff. They actually send them. It's way more accurate now. You buy an Apple TV, you bought a Nielsen.

Yeah. So everyone does it. Yeah, you're all doing it. Great, okay. You know what doesn't have a Nielsen is podcasts, and one of my favorite podcasts is the motherfucking Legion of Skanks with this guy, Big Jay Oakerson.

We're going to be doing Skank Fest at the end of June, by the way. We're going to fucking blow that party out on the Sunday night. Is that June 30th? I, for the record, auditioned to play Wolfman Jack in that show, so fuck that show.

I didn't get it. You did? I don't watch anything I didn't get. I was almost the fat chick's boyfriend in This Is Us, too, so fuck that show. I hope it gets canceled and she's back to eating and sad. I was in the pilot of This Is Us, so that's two for two.

You're single white female-ing me. That dates June 25th. The Kill Tony is closing out Skank Fest with our guests, Big Jay Oakerson, Luis J. Gomez, Dave Smith. Oh, all three of them. That's a good one. By the way, at Skankfest, I'll be having a kissing booth, but instead of kissing, you just have to stare into my asshole for about a minute.

How long are you going to stand in there? Is there like a glory hole thing? Yeah, but we're going to put a screen there because I don't trust his fan base. Yeah, I wouldn't. Yeah, dental dammit. Yeah, dental, damn it. Yeah, screen liquids can still shoot through the spit. Are you going to be there for the naked roast?

Yeah, I'm judging. Oh, that's going to be. Ari's got the best dick and balls for judging shit naked. I know that's uncomfortable for this crowd, but that's just the truth. If you saw his dick, you'd get it. Ari, did you just get your asshole bleached? On Punch Drunk, we're doing it on Tuesday. Tuesday, you're getting your asshole bleached.

Professionally. Wow. We're talking about... Thanks, everybody. Thanks for the three people who want that bleached. Well, we're talking about Skank Fest. You know who else is going to be at Skank Fest? One of the members of the band.

We should bring the band up here. Oh, hell yeah. We love the band. Who loves the Kill Tony band out there? How many of you listen to this show sometimes? Put your hands together for one of my favorite things in the world. It's the motherfucking Kill Tony band.

It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Wow, they always do different characters every week They always commit to a different theme And this is the first, perhaps the first week ever in which I have no fucking idea what you guys are supposed to be. It's going to be a hot one tonight, Tony.

Sports announcers? You got it. What? I'm so excited about this. I'm immediately so excited. I swear to God it was a weirdo Yankovic theme. I thought it was gay newscasters for a second, but I wasn't that far off. Welcome back, band.

You guys are excited about this? You feeling good? Really looking forward to this show tonight. We drove all the way from downtown. Well, we're going to have a blast. And all the pieces are in place. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Now, earlier on in the night,

a bunch of people signed their names on pieces of paper. There's a bunch of pieces of paper in the bucket right now with people's names on it. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds of stage time. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. There he is.

Okay. Okay. There you go. It's a very big one tonight. I got to tell you, Tony, I don't know why I always choose to sit on the inside when we know there's a 25% chance that I'm going to have to fight one of these Daleks. That's right. The last time you were on this show, he was.

He was the guy that pulled the guy on mushrooms off of Jeremiah, who was defending his sacks and continuing to make jokes the entire time. He was seamless. Just kept roasting a guy on mushrooms. I'll tell you what, though. If it does break out, I'll quickly sit on my all fours.

I'll let this guy who looks like an American Horror Story freak, I'll let him push me over. I feel like you never watched American Horror Story based off that. Yeah, for sure. You're going to go high-low on him? Yeah. I'll just donkey it. It's a solid strategy. There's got to be some psychopaths here that love to fight.

Raise your hand if you're just fucking into fighting. I don't like putting out this fighting energy. That guy, that guy, right there. That guy. Raise your hand again, guy. Yeah, that guy likes to fight. There it is. You mean his arm covered of tattoos?

Look at this fucking little punk-ass bitch. How many piercings do you have? None? None? They're gone? He's ready to fucking fight, dude. Oh, shit. You're not going to lose.

He has Vaseline in his pocket. You're wearing, is that a Boardwalk Empire shirt? That's the show you're a fan of from HBO? Wow. You must love to get into fights. That was the last big show before he went to jail. So here we go. The names are in the bucket.

They're swirling around. Sometimes it's an insane person who didn't know what the fuck they signed up for. Sometimes it's one of the top comedians who's here. No signed up tonight. He was just on America's Got Talent. Is the great Preacher Lawson is somewhere here. Just made his debut on America's Got Talent this week. He killed it.

Could be pulled out of the bucket at any point. He's had a hell of a rookie season. All right. I pulled the name out. Your first guest doing 60 seconds of stage time here tonight goes by the name of Anthony Martinez. Woo!

Come on, Anthony. This way, baby. There you go. Yes. Make some noise for Anthony Martinez, everyone. Hell yes. How's everybody doing? That's fucking great. My name's Anthony, and it's fucking cool to be alive, you know what I mean?

Chris Cornell passed away and shit, so it's good to be here and be alive and all that jazz. You know what's weird, though? When people die, people act kind of fucking weird about it. When Robin Williams died, I guess he was in a movie with a gorilla, and someone had the nerve to fucking sign language to the gorilla that Robin Williams died. Like, what the fuck do you think is going to happen? He signed language out to the gorilla. What do you think happened? The fucking hair around its asshole fell off.

Its fucking eyebrows came off. Like, come on, man. This shit is wild. And, like, I was watching the news. I was watching the news when Osama bin Laden passed away. And they were like, find out what local rapper turned celebrity Ice-T has to say about the death of Osama bin Laden. I fucking was, like, hooked. I watched it.

And what do you think Ice-T is going to say? They were like, Ice-T, did death of Osama bin Laden. I fucking was like hooked. I watched it. And what do you think Ice-T's gonna say? They were like, Ice-T, did you hear Osama bin Laden has been killed? He was like, oh, word. I'm glad they shot his bitch ass. Cullis. Cullis. Crazy, man. Fuck. I don't know if you can tell, but I haven't been late in a fortnight. You know what I mean? I want to make sure my shit works.

There you go, Anthony Martinez with a minute. I looked over at the clock thinking it was a minute 35 seconds before it was a minute because it felt like 17 minutes. He's crammed a lot of time in there. I loved it. Not a lot of punchlines. I was legit dying up here. You are accidentally hilarious at times. The best laughs came from the awkward silence when the punchline didn't land.

That was some of the hardest laughs I've ever heard. Crazy, right? You crushed on the silence, dude. It stung a little. That was fucking dope. Silence came strong. Yeah, it came really hard. I learned today that I guess I have a sort of Mexican haircut.

that I guess I have a sort of Mexican haircut. Anthony, aye, aye, aye, aye. I would suggest just for the audience, stop holding the microphone like you're fucking singing a Henry Rollins song. You're ready to fucking start giving System of a Day on Wales. Anthony, how long have you been doing stand-up? Eight months.

Eight months. Eight months. How often do you do it? I go up like three, four times a week, sometimes five. What do you do for a living? I sell rock to the community. You sell rock? Yeah.

How much do you want right now? Wait, wait, wait. I sell like tile and stone and shit. Rephrase the way you say that from now on. I sell rock to the community means something completely different to most people. Like tile and stone and shit. Oh. Rephrase the way you say that from now on. I thought it was... To sell rock to the community means something completely different to most people. I know. I'm moving rock.

I thought he was so casual about it. I push weight. You know, I push weight. Cavalier almost. I thought you were the rock's agent for a second. We all heard a little something different. How long have you been selling tile for? Fucking like two years now.

Two years. I've been a funky ass two years doing that. Why? You just make it seem funnier. You just meet different people and sometimes... What makes a good tile customer? When they got money. You know what I mean?

When they know what they're there for. I bet most of the time it's a lot of real squares. Fuck yeah. They're like... This guy's on fire. Killing it. Do you know how much I love the emotional roller coaster of what comedy is? Like this moment for him was a thing.

It's nervous, excitement. And then just in front of him, just a dude tearing into a pizza sandwich. This guy's not a care in the world. A deep V, a fucking fedora. This guy's going to go fucking paint something later to no immediate judgment from strangers. He's just like, what's up? Oh, man, that looked rough, huh?

Fucking good for a comedy club rap. He makes that shit look good, though. That shit look good. Anthony, you from Los Angeles? Yeah, Norwalk, California, by the way of Ontario. Norwalk by the way of Ontario. He lives in a sublime song. I live in a sublime song.

Meth by meth by meth. Damn. Yeah, I mean, you know that, right? You've been around that? I've been around. I've seen my share of things. What was that first I mean, you know that, right? You've been around that? I've been around. I've seen my share of things. What was that first joke about that you were talking about? It made zero sense.

Let's not worry about what he was talking about, Ryan. You come from a big family, Anthony? I'm the youngest of seven. What? I'm the youngest of seven people. Youngest of seven. That's a basketball team plus two. Damn.

How far away are you from the oldest sibling? Is there a long stretch there? My oldest sister is like 40, and my mom had me when she was 40. You know what I mean? So it's like some years. What do they do? What do you mean? What do the siblings do?

They sell rock. All of them sell rock, dude. She's like a stay-at-home mom. No, the siblings. Oh, my sister's a stay-at-home mom. My brother, he's got his own landscaping shit going on. I'm sensing a theme here. Yeah, these...

This really is like... I thought you were listening. Throw a dart at Mexican ideas. My other brother's a bullfighter. Yeah. Soups up old Mustangs. Yeah. Tell me someone owns a taco truck somewhere in the family.

Yeah. Yeah? Elote is the little corn, the corn on the stick. Nice, dude. With cojata cheese. Anthony, you're 40. Is that what you said? 27.

My sister's 40. Oh, sister's 40. Yeah. I don't know. You could play 40. I could play 40. No, he could not. No, he could not.

No, you look good, dude. You look great, dude. Thank you. You look great. I could play 40. No, he could not. No, he could not. No, you look good, dude. You look great, dude. Thank you. You look great. Thank you. Anyway, must be the lighting or something over here. Oh, damn. That rough, huh?

Wait, Anthony, hold your hand out straight. No, no, but like try not to shake it for a second. Like this, like that. Hold it straight out. Yeah, there you go. Nice. A little shaky, a little shaky. Nerves got me a little bit.

So you were going real fast. Real, real, real, real, real fast. I'm so nervous. Are you in love right now? You have a girl? No,erves got me a little bit. You were going real fast. Are you in love right now? You have a girl? No, she left me because of comedy. Really? How long ago did she leave you? How long ago did this happen? This happened about this month, May 8th.

This month, on May 8th. She gave you seven months to hit big and then split? Hey, man. That bitch was setting some really, some high expectations. She went back to Ontario by the way of Norwalk. You took me out of Ontario. Seven months I've been sitting here.

How did she let you down? Did she tell you face to face? Were you guys out to dinner? Were you at home? What was going on? Right after making love? We're at my house. She came over a little drunk and she said some shit.

You could see in her eyes. What'd she say? I met a man in Rancho Cucamonga. I'm out of here. Yeah. Damn. When you say she came home a little drunk, she said some shit.

What'd she say? She was just like, man, this isn't going to work. She started talking about shit she didn't know. She's like, you have a past home a little drunk, said some shit. Yeah. What'd she say? She was just like, man, this isn't going to work. She started talking about shit she didn't know. She's like, you have a past. I'm like, don't we all? I mean, 27, and I didn't just fucking come out of thin air. You didn't ask what she meant? She was talking in circles, and I'm like, whatever the fuck I say right now can't keep this girl here.

So she's going to go, she's going to go. Imagine both of these humans talking in circles like he's doing right now. A continuation of nonsense back and forth. I don't know what you're talking about. What are you talking about? I'm in, I'm in, I'm in. It's just a constant nonsense getting nothing done. This couple brought to you by cocaine. I always

had girls leave me, I think, because I was fat. Never because I had like a dark, mysterious past. Yeah. That's such a cool fucking story. What's your past? What's your past? I don't know. I slang dick. I used to.

Really? I don't know. What do you mean you slang dick? He said slang. It was the former. I used to. He slams dick. You know, I just fucking lay down this sweet, sweet wood tile.

You know what I mean? Dick is marble in the tile game. Dick is another level of marble. I was laying tile and dick. And yeah. Is that what happens? Have you ever hooked up? Yep.

Joel Jimenez. His dad lays pipe. He's a plumber. There it is. Shit. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. Fuck yeah.

You have no idea what the fuck just happened, huh? Your own kind just threw you under the bus. That's what happened, my friend. Yeah. Ouch. So where were we? What the fuck? He was just saying he was a hooker, I think, as you glanced over there.

Oh, yeah. What do you mean by that? Well, I don't know, man. I don't know what she saw, what she was saying. She's like, yeah, you probably fucked a lot of people. And I'm like, you're not wrong, but I let that go and I was with somebody. You know what I mean? Like, she thought I was just fucking around.

Who do you hook up with like that? Like, where do you meet them? What's your game? What's your style? Give us a little something. Help us out here. I don't know. I just start talking one thing leads to another. It's like, hey, let's go back to the house. Wait a second. Something's happening. Oh, God. Ari's taking a chair from the audience.

Putting it on stage Oh so you can sit down Ari Shafir Show me how you fuck Oh shit Yeah This show just got turnt up Ari motherfucking Shafir

Is in the house Come on show us How I How I fuck I do like some Prince shit I'll grab my own ankles and shit. Come on, give us a little example. Ladies and gentlemen, showing us how to fuck.

It's Anthony Martinez. Maybe like a samba. No, no, no, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop. I'm no chick, but if you switch positions that often, it's going to be fucking confused. That's three pumps and move.

Holy shit. What do you do? Okay, should I flip? What are we doing? Where do you want me to put my goddamn leg? It's crop MAGA sex. It gets a little crazy. It gets a little crazy sometimes.

That is slang and dick. That's how I would describe that now. Throwing it around uncontrollably. Anthony, just flailing it about. Very violent. How long did it last? About a year and a half. A year and a half of that?

She was cool with me. She works with disabled kids and retarded kids. Oh, we know. That's why it lasted so long. We know. She fucked you for a year and a half. That's what I mean. That's why it lasted so long.

I like how he said disabled first, but then was like, no, I should say retarded. Why did I be nice up top? Mentally challenged. Retarded. Wow. Alright, just say them all, Anthony. That's the way to do it. We've just lost our sponsors. Oh, shit. Anthony, the thesaurus says

all of the fucking names. Good for you, dude. Thank you. Anthony the fucking names. Good for you, dude. Good for you. Anthony, it was nice to meet you, dude. Go have a fun day. There he goes, Anthony Martinez, everybody. Swagging it. Hey.

You did great, bud. Well, there we go. Josh is going to grab that. Put your hands together for the great Josh Martin, ladies and gentlemen. Look at this guy. You've heard the name. We kept up the un-stage.

Do we order drinks right into the microphone? Yeah, absolutely. Straight into it. Can I do a double tequila soda lime? Ooh, what kind of tequila? Can I get a turkey ginger daddy size? Do me a favor. Cancel Santino's order for me.

Thank you. We'll be right back after this brief commercial interruption. Josh, Josh, and a shot of Bulla bourbon for me. Thanks. All right. I'll have a Crown and Coke, Josh. Oh, we're going to kill Tony. Brought to you by every liquor imaginable.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Colin Phillips. Colin Phillips. Colin! Yeah, yeah, yeah! All right, so when you take a boner pill, what you're taking is a nitric oxide vasodilator. So what that does is it releases nitric oxide in your stomach, but that's not very efficient. So if you could breathe nitric oxide all the time, then you could essentially walk around with a boner all the time and you'd be fucking all the time. So like back in like millions and millions of years ago, like the

Garden of Eden and shit, they used to fuck all the time because they were breathing in nitric oxide. But now there's oxygen in the air, people can fuck, and you get pregnant more often because nitric oxide, it changes the sperm in the egg so that there's more protection and shit because your body works more efficiently, so all those systems work properly.

So now that there's such a high population, we're naturally going to start creating more nitric oxide And move back to that That type of society Where it's all based on like Fucking and shit Hey

After So Yeah Wow There it is. Amazing. So, about two months ago, I guess, is when we were in Austin. And we're in Austin, Texas, and a comedian comes on stage,

and he says, I just did Mushrooms, woo. And I feel like we've become a show in which I think people think they have to be on mushrooms to do the show in order before even coming up here. Or some kind of drug. Colin, are you sober right now? No.

This guy's just been added to the Hall of Shame. What are you on, Colin? Just some coffee and some weed. Boner pills. Find them at your local Rite Aid. Some nitric oxide. After just one marijuana.

You're on nitric oxide? Have you been huffing? No, no, no, no, no. Are you sure? No, no, no, no, no, because you said it. No, I'm just joking. It was very informative. Thank you.

Listen, I'll be honest. I'm high, so I was invested. And I really thought you were going to hit it home with like after all that science shit, you were going to be like, you know, get some fat white pussy or something. And we were all going to fight. I was invested. I think where others checked out, I was still there. But that's my fault.

I'm so confused right now. Colin. Thank you, man. Thank you so much. It seemed like an episode of the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. In fact, if you took that audio and just put a picture of Joe over it

or even a moving image so you can't quite see the lips are mashed up, I bet people would be like, yeah, man, he's right about a lot of that. Colin, did you go to school for this? No, I was just studying how to... I started looking up steroids and shit to build muscles, so I started looking at supplements and shit. Obviously, you quit looking it up pretty quickly into your search.

Yeah, man, I had to switch it up. It wasn't working. Hey, steroids, what's this about nitric oxide over here? Yeah. I don't want to... That's a line of thought, too. Pussy likes muscle. I need muscle.

Where do I get muscle? Nitric oxide, guarded of Eden, another weed, disappear. It's over. Exactly, dude. That was it. Fell off a cliff into nonsense. That's great, dude. Good knowledge, though. Are you from LA?

No. How long have you been here? I got here April 17th. Where are you from? Originally from Temecula State University. Coming out of the field. Where from? Is that a real place? Colin, over here. Where are you from? Atlanta.

Where? Atlanta. Atlanta. Georgia. Wait, what'd you say? Wait a second. Where are you from? Atlanta. Where? Atlanta. Atlanta. Georgia. Wait a second. What did you say to Jeremiah a second ago? Is that a real place? What did you say? Temecula University or something?

Oh, okay. I forgot. Yes, Temecula State University is a real college. What made you move here? Nature's oxide, of course. What do you do for work? How do you make money, Colin? One bus ticket.

How do you make money? You know, I got some hustles and shit. No, you got to answer the question. He's from Atlanta, man. He's selling cold fronts. I got food stamps. I got that GR money. That's about it.

I got a little bit of savings. What did you do to get your savings? I just sold my car. Push stone? Did you push rock? No, no, no. No? Because we know a guy.

No, I just got here, so I still have a little bit of money left from when I just moved. What's your living situation? I do an Airbnb every once in a while. I sleep outside sometimes. You ever watch Crashing with Pete Holmes? No. If you watch that show, what'll happen is if you just sit outside the Conway store,

a long-term comedian will just ask you to live with them for the night. They'll just walk by and say, hey, you need a place to crash. One of the most famous in the game will just let you live with them. It is that easy. Get out of there. They'll just walk by and say, hey, you need a place to crash. One of the most famous in the game will just let you live with them. Yeah. It is that easy. Get out of there. They'll know.

Yeah, I'm looking for a bad bitch for sure. Have you done nitrous since you've been out here? No, I've never done it. Then why are you so crazy about it? Because we met you before, I think a couple months ago or something like that. We pulled you out and you sort of just rambled about the elements. No, you rambled about nitrous for a minute.

In this minute, you did nitrous and boner pills. But you know, like, if you take nitrous, it doesn't get you hard. Okay, okay, okay, Brian. Here we go. Yikes. So, Colin, I don't really get it. What inspires you? What do you want to do out here? Yikes So Colin I don't really get it What inspires you?

What do you want to do out here? I wanted to build a hibernation tank A hibernation tank? The classic story What do you mean by a hibernation tank? I want to live for like 600 years So if you Like I said last time

I want to get out of here as fast as I can. When is a sweet release coming? And in the meantime, you're doing stand up. I mean, I'm telling you all about it. This goes out to like millions and millions of people. I can't believe that. All right. I wish you were our Nielsen rating reporter.

The millions and millions around the world. Where was that, you guys? We're even getting some... What's your ultimate dream? This would be the perfect scenario. I want to build a satellite. Wait, this is different than the hibernation tank? Yeah, I want to build a satellite

that's like deep in space. It's like just a refractory satellite. How many channels does it get? You just build a lens, a huge lens, and that'll create a huge beam of light through space, and you put a solar sail on that. Do you know how satellites work?

Yeah. Can I tell you something? I want to be devil's advocate here. Do you know how to build any of this, or are you just imagining it? I'm just going to say it, and then some guy's going to pop up here and be like, yo, man, that's a good idea. But you know they already have those.

No, they don't have this. Why aren't we in space then? There's no solar sails they're using. Yeah, Tony. Why are we in space then? Idiot. Duh. There's a reason satellites

can survive in climates in which humans can't. I just want to make one that has a beam of light that we can put a solar sail on. What do you know about light in space? I studied some photography, so I know a lot. They're taking a lot

of pictures of space? I wonder how many different answers we'll get if we just keep asking. Colin, I'm going to take the opposite. Here's the thing. I'll tell you what. If your story in life goes from sleeping outside sometimes to being somehow involved in the production and release of

a satellite, and somewhere in between all that is this night, it's a pretty sick story. Yeah, dude. Fucking right. It's a pretty sick story. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck it right. It's a pretty sick story. Colin, any other goals that you have? Any other things that you have?

Oh, I had a tennis racket that I wanted to make. It's like a curved tennis racket, so you can hit one side. You can hit any spot on the court, and the other side would hit, like, super crazy spin because you can get more like surface area. That is definitely illegal. Yeah. Yeah, that's the

problem. No one wants to build it because it's illegal. Perhaps you also want to make a golf club that also, when you hit the golf ball, it attaches a little motor to the back of the ball so it just goes all the way into the hole while we're making cheating athletic products.

I sent in a submission. Wilson Golf had a show where you send in golf clubs. So I sent them a tennis racket. They were like, we don't want a tennis racket. Send us a golf club for this show. So I sent it in, and they didn't fucking use me. Dear distinguished members of NASA, not only do I have a satellite that takes pictures in space, I got this fucking awesome tennis racket.

Hey, Colin, Colin, a lot of these guys are going to tell you you can't. I think you can, man. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck you. Dick. All right, there he goes, Colin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. That man was Da Vinci right there.

Say that again? That man was Da Vinci. Colin Da Vinci right there. Say that again? That man was Da Vinci. Colin Da Vinci. Ari Shafir, official sponsor of the Special Olympics. Yeah. Me and Ari are looking for an investment. I might get in with this kid on ground level. How did Big Jade Ari lose all their money?

You've got to listen to Kill Tony. It's pretty insane. The two-sided tennis racket. Where's the All-Star game this year? Well, I think we learned something here tonight. Always take a boner pill one hour before doing a cut stat. I didn't know sports commentators just always threw the commercial for everything. I thought there was other things like during games and stuff that you guys did too.

We also do that. Unfortunately, there is no plays on the field right now. You son of a bitch. Every time I pull this guy out of the bucket, he fucking kills. This is one of our favorite people that signs up for this show. An extreme talent. Put your hands together for Mikey McKernan, everybody.

I'm so skinny when I fart. It smells like bones. Boof. Huh? Huh? smells like bones. Boo! Ha! Ha! I gotta stop writing jokes about my hair, but they're stuck in my head. Boo! Ha! Ha! Sad they've only got me this far.

Sad they've only got me this far. Anybody here with their soulmate tonight? I don't believe in soulmates. Because I had a girl rip my heart out. So now I wear a soul patch. Boo. Huh? Huh? Ha ha ha ha ha

thank you there you go Mikey McKernan I forgot one batting a thousand percent I just wanted to watch you. I didn't even want to. Wouldn't you like to watch him for another five minutes?

Yeah, I mean, absolutely. One more joke. Different show. One more joke. One more joke. Mikey, what's the one that you forgot? Doing his joke that he forgot. Put your hands together for Mikey McKernan, everybody.

Oh, yeah. It was after the skinny joke. A lot of people were like, why don't you go to the gym, Mikey? I was like, I can't go to the gym. The girls look so good. I only work out one arm. Boo! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, my God. one arm. Boo! Ha! Ha! Jesus. Oh,

my God. You're a monster. This guy's a fucking beast. He does this every time on this show. Always new material. Always a new minute. Awesome. Mikey McCarron going for the two-point conversion, and it is good. Ha, ha, ha.

Mikey. Mikey. Mikey. Mikey, Mikey. Go watch. I'm dying up here. It's amazing. The only thing that disappoints me about Mikey when he's not doing stand-up is that in real life you don't have the boo-has. That's how you lose relationships.

And you do it so well. It's incredible. Even on that one, which was obviously supposed to be your second joke you were able to turn it into like a big closer there I'm always expecting the first one not to work how long have you been doing stand up comedy? over nine years

I like how you thought we wouldn't understand the joke unless you set it up like by the way this is supposed to go after the skinny thing but it was it was a good segue that makes sense right because it was coming off the bones thing so it it was. Yeah, it was a good segue. That makes sense, right? Because it was coming off the bones thing. So it did sort of take me there. At first I'm like, what?

And then I'm like, okay, this is cozy. Right into the gym. Disagree. Yeah. Good transition. Segue. Well, I'll tell you what, Tony. The audience really took that soul patch joke on the chin.

Nailed it. I booked him on a show recently and I got to see a long set of his and let me tell you. How was it? Fucking amazing. The whole set was great. I really wish I saw you more here.

You should be getting spots here. I don't know what's going on. Manager walked out. He was here for a sec. What do you do for a living again, Mikey? I work at Bubba Dumps over at Universal Shitty. I've heard the Forest Gump trivia. That's right.

I made all those standing Lieutenant Dan jokes and whatnot. What do you do there? I wait tables. Have you ever heard Batsko's bit about Bubba Gumps? Somebody told me there's a comedian who does a Bubba Gump bit, but I don't know who it is. Now I'm going to look it up. It's Kurt Batsko.

It's like eight minutes long. I want to make sure I'm not stealing any of his jokes with my tables. Can I ask you, but why inside the theme park? No, it's at Universal Shady Walk, the restaurant outside. But it's at Universal Studios. Yeah, at the outdoor mall that's up there. You know what I mean by that? It's like when people work at the airport,

and you're like, but there's other places to work. Yeah. Oh, I know. It's a good question. So why there? I'm saying why not just another restaurant? Why did you pick that? Because Adam Ray already crushed that Wolverine.

That's so meta. Nobody here. Everyone here is like, what? No. I tried to name drop. Should we do another, like, give him, like, he can give us some trivia. I really want to. Hold on. I want to name drop. Should we do another, like, give him, like, he can give us some trivia before he's gone? Hold on.

I want to do another five. I have a friend that I really wanted to come up here and do one minute. Wait, what? Or is this, what do you do? Wait, see, you guys are, like, opening up the format of the show, and look what happens. Hey, should we? Hey, should we? No, you fucking fucks.

It works. I swear to you how weird this is. I swear in his back pocket. There's all these people that signed up. Tony Higgins' defense is on another level tonight. He is swatting balls left and right, and nobody is listening. Keep shoehorning your hate. Keep shoehorning your hate.

Does anyone want a sticker? I thought that was the back of other people's names. Look at the Jew wanting free shit. Mikey McKernan going into overtime right now passing out merch and stickers

as he finishes his set. Mikey, you have a girlfriend? Yeah. How long have you been with her? Over four years. Oh, yeah. What does she do? She's going to UCLA

doing anthropology. Anthropology. Asian? No. Whoa. White girl from Burbank. Hey, I have a real question about that. How old are you?

Oh, I know. 31. All right. You're doing great, man. You're really funny. Thank you. You fucking killed it. White girl from Burbank How old are you? 31 You're doing great man They fucking killed it Absolutely Hey Mikey Next Wednesday can you do the Laugh Factory Death Squad show 10 o'clock

Fuck yeah I would love to Redman A lot of hoo ha ha's happening next Wednesday At the Laugh Factory I got a real question. I've always heard this about specials. Do you have specials at Bubba Gump? No.

Well, then forget it. There's like summer inserts, but... You would think since it's like a Forrest Gump thing, there'd be a lot of specials. What about special team? Because he was retarded, everybody. You fucking fucks. Anyway.

Mikey, you absolutely killed it again. Thank you so much, you guys. You're becoming one of the coolest Kill Tony legends. Hey, Kill Tony listeners, hit me up on Twitter. I'll send you a sticker. Good night. He is on Twitter at Mikey McKernan. That's M-I-K-E-Y

M-C-K-E-R-N-A-N. Constantly funny. I love fucking... One more time for Mikey. Isn't that great? That's what's fun about this show. One minute it's an insane person. The next it's an insane person. And the next it's a really

funny comedian. Kill Tony's Wide World of Sports. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Kevin Mack. If it's all a dream, I wish to be better at 19. Something better than everything I've ever seen. Hanging boxes on my wall. Every Saturday, back to back, just the magic calling all.

I let my face drop into my face. I've been watching the first 48 marathon for the past few days. It's a show that teaches you that if you get away with murder for 48 hours, you're pretty much good. I think gangbangers should watch this show a lot less and one would get caught. Gangbangers are the only murderers that scream out the street they live on before they shoot you. 48th Street Crips! Pop, pop, pop, pop! Police are like, looks like we're going to 48th Street. We've got to catch Choco.

I like to get the laugh in the beginning and then let it taper off. I think it's important in comedy these days. Keep them guessing. Like that. See, I did it twice. Jesus, the longest minute of my life. Yeah, there's still 15 seconds left, bro. How do you think we feel?

There's an excuse. It's just not a good one. Is it not 15 seconds? There you go, man. Tony. Yeah. I got a question for you. When they finish early like that, you ever just let them sit there in silence for 20 more seconds

Oh I love it It's my favorite thing I always try to stop anybody I always love just feeling The way he turned to us as if like help me And I could tell he gave me the eyes like I'm giving up Because I'm sure it's so close to a minute And I'm like no fucko

You're two thirds in You were so far off Can I say what's your name my friend I'm giving up because I'm sure it's so close to a minute. I'm like, no, fucko. You're two-thirds in. You were so far off. What's your name, my friend? I got high for the first time in 20 years like an hour ago. Really? Wow. I smoked weed three times in my life. Twice when I was 15 and once.

An hour ago, we got you. That's a message to all you kids out there. Drugs and sports never mix. Villanova won a national championship. What made you smoke weed for the first time an hour ago? Our boy Frank Castillo dared me to do an edible. Wait, what?

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. Stop. What? Frank Castillo. Oh, Frank Castillo, yes. Rose Battle Champion, Frank Castillo. Rose Battle Champion.

Dared me to eat an edible if I didn't get up for potluck, if I didn't get picked for potluck earlier today. What made you think you would get picked for potluck? That's a random drawing. I was like, fuck it, maybe it'll be good luck. If you made a bet to do something that you don't normally do. Yeah, because every week I come something that you don't normally do. Yeah, because every week I come here

and I don't get on potlucks. So I was like, well, what's the same? Everything else except for smoking weed. So fuck it, I'll try it. That has never been a sack. Yeah. Does not hold up. I got to tell you something.

You are a good looking guy. Your body's fantastic. Yeah, I want to fuck. I'm up here real horny right now, dude. I got to tell you, your big old penis. Your feet are huge, which means you're probably packing a hog. And those jeans are hugging your ass like no one's business. It's so sexy back here.

It's annoying. All that said. Super sexy. You don't have to be funny. You're a babe. You're fine, man. You're a babe you're fine man you're a babe go fucking sling rock with that Mexican kid

as long as you got your own place you're crushing it bro oh fuck me one of the things that we found out about Kevin Mac last time he was on the show was that he's such a good looking guy indeed he has this Instagram set up.

And he might have, I mean, you want to talk about a pure douche bag. Get in there. Man, I can't wait until we need to get that screened down and be able to transfer it to that. Turn it around. So let me just describe it to you.

He's wearing a green tank top and a backwards hat on one. Yeah, you're about to see, audience. And he's reaching into an old Chevy, it appears, right? It's a Dodge. It's a Dodge Dart Swinger. He's reaching into an old Dodge all sweaty, covered in tattoos. And the caption says, creating a monster.

But wait for it. That's not all it says, because it also says 40 hashtags. Hashtag cars. Hashtag Mopar. Hashtag muscle. Hashtag American muscle. Hashtag Dodge. Hashtag muscle. Hashtag tattoos.

Hashtag tattoo. Hashtag tattoos. Hashtag tattoo. Hashtag, this is not a joke. Hashtag guys with tattoos. Hashtag ink. Hashtag fit. Hashtag fitness. This is still on this picture. I'm not kidding.

Hashtag fit fam. Hashtag get fit. Hashtag fit poo. I don't get fit. Hashtag fit poo. I don't even know what that is. Hashtag fitness model. Hashtag fitness addict. Hashtag fitness motivation. Hashtag gym.

Hashtag workout. And hashtag hard work For the love of God Holy shit And it's all real, it's all true You know what? My girlfriend's here and I'm gonna hit her tonight Because I know she wants to fuck him

I know you're eyeing up this motherfucker I'm even giving him some side eye I am so high. Fuck. Kevin Mac pictured working on a car, clearly spending too much time on the car and not enough time working on his jokes. All right.

Kevin, I have some bad news for you. We found another recent Instagram post. Tony! Tony, I will make you a list. Relax, relax, Kevin. It's not as fun when you own it. Look at this picture, everybody. Hold on, please.

Now, wait. Who loves captions with Kevin Mac, huh? All right, here we go. In that picture, he looks like he's going, I know what you're about to do. You're about to read my captions. All right, on May 4th, original Kevin Mac said, with this picture,

when someone asks me if I want Starbucks. What? Hashtag. Basic. Hashtag. Jokes. Hashtag. LOL.

Hashtag. Ha ha. Hashtag. True. Hashtag. Truth. Hashtag true. Hashtag truth. Hashtag LMAO. Hashtag LMFAO. Hashtag man.

Hashtag actor. Hashtag comic. Hashtag artist. Hashtag fit. Hashtag comic. Hashtag artist. Hashtag fit. Hashtag fitness. Hashtag fit fam. Hashtag get fit. Hashtag gym.

Hashtag workout. Hashtag jawline. Kevin Mack, you... There was not one false hashtag in all of those. We need a crown to make you king of the douchebags, my friend. There was not one false hashtag in all of those. That's true. Can I tell you something?

I don't want to make fun of this guy because I still want to fuck this fucking dude. I hope I got a shot. That stopped being about Starbucks, about five hashtags in. Yeah, how's working out about Starbucks? Yeah, because there's a fit. They got a gym at Starbucks now.

The jawline gym. You want to latte and work on your fucking traps? Oh, God, no. I know what you're... Breaking news. This room is about to light on fire. Tonight's top story. Tony Hinchman, back to you in the studio. Where's Kevin?

Get your ass up here. You take it like a man. Kevin Mack coming back to the mic ashamed of himself. Wait, can I please get where I have to go? No, you can't. Who's ready for another segment? Captions with Kevin Mack! Hallelujah, it's raining, Mack.

It's raining Mac. Kevin motherfucking Mac. We found you on a motorcycle. Oh my goodness. And here we go. On April 13th, original Kevin Mac said, channeling my inner, quotations, top gun. Hashtag man. Hashtag man.

Hashtag actor. Hashtag artist. Hashtag art. Hashtag model. Wait, I skipped a line. Hashtag model. Hashtag comedian. Hashtag comic. Hashtag fit. Hashtag

fitness. Hashtag fit fam. Hashtag get fit. Hashtag fit spook. Hashtag fitness model. Hashtag fit. Hashtag fitness. Hashtag fit fam. Hashtag get fit. Hashtag fit spook. Hashtag fitness model. Hashtag fitness addict. Hashtag fitness motivation. Hashtag moto. Hashtag motorcycle.

Hashtag bike. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Guys, guys, guys, relax a little bit. I absolutely need to make sure everybody hears this. Okay, we'll start right after bike. Ready? Hashtag bikes. Hashtag motorcycles. Hashtag guys with tattoos. Hashtag guys.

Hashtag boys. They love you, Kevin. They love you. Look at that. Hey, Tony. Kevin, you might Look at that. Hey, Tony. Kevin, you might be the newest regular on Kill Tony out of fucking nowhere. If you keep doing Instagram posts like this, this will be a weekly thing, I promise. Kevin.

Kevin, what's the gay code? Hashtag guys with tattoos. You're not showing any tattoos. You're wearing a tough gun jacket. That's to get them to look at the other pictures and see what the tattoos look like. Why do you want other guys to see your tattoos? You know what?

I respect his answer. Hey, Tony. By the way, the joke's on all of us fives on this panel. This guy's going to get his cock sucked later by a 12 and be like, they mocked me on stage. He's like, no big deal. You're beautiful. Yeah, but at 12, I'm a tattoo. Oh, baby, it's so good. I deal. You're beautiful. Fix another car for me.

Oh, baby, it's so good. I'm about to hashtag cum. If I had one critique on that, all that stuff, it would be that's a lot of hashtags, maybe less. I thought you were talking about my joke. I got excited. I was like, that I need help with, the hashtags. I'm clearly really good at that. Comedy's a wash, my friend. Keep with the hashtags. Write it. You got excited. I was like, that I need help with. The hashtags. I'm clearly really... Comedy's a wash,

my friend. Keep with the hashtags. Write it. You found something. Just hashtag the truth, guys. Kevin Mack, you are like the sea. I don't like you, but goddammit, I respect you. And just like the sea, Jay won't take a shirt off

in front of you. It'll never happen. I would love for that to happen. It will never happen. To me, it appeared that Kevin Mac was channeling not only his top gun, but also his bottom gun. Jeremiah Watkins in the house. Oh, boy. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Wait, he's not even in that. Wait, is that him? Okay. All right, boy. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I can see the screen. Wait, he's not even in that.

Wait, is that him? Okay. All right, Kevin. I think you're off the... Oh, you motherfucking motherfucker. There's so many comics. What? There's so many comics that want to come up, Tony.

Look at... They're so... Look at Nicole. Look how badly he wants me to move on. He can see the picture from where he's standing. Should we move on with the show? Kevin, what are you willing to do? Because this is a good one.

One last one. You guys ready for one last one? I'm sorry, comics. Shut up. Stop trying to be a hero, Kevin. It's clearly my decision. Looks like Tony Inchcliffe is going to go for one more point. Those comics hate you for your looks alone.

They don't apologize to those people. That one right there. Do that one more point. Those comics hate you for your looks alone. They don't apologize to those people. That one right there. Do that one right there. There it was. But it's not funny. What do you mean? You've just been staring at it for four minutes. It's not funny.

Wait, really? I see something. I think Big J spotted something. And the coaches have called a timeout on the show. They are huddling over in the corner. They do not know what to do. I can't wait until this gets out. Because he's on Jimmy Fallon tussling his hair. Tell me about your crazy experience on stage.

These fucking losers mocked me and I was a model. Look at how hot that is. Flip that around. Looks like there's some confusion out on the field. You already did that one. Oh, wait. I already did that one. And they are going to send Kevin Mack back into the game at any moment now.

I did that one last time, Red Band. All right. Let's move. Let's move. It's so fucking horrible. What happened to the fucking Mickey Mouse here? Just go to that one. Get the one.

Get the one. And there is going to be a penalty for delay of game. Let's move. Let's do it. Fuck this. All right, Kevin. It was nice to meet you. Please keep posting on Instagram. He's on Instagram.

He actually gave his Instagram handle, not his Twitter handle. His Instagram handle, for those of you listening on the podcast. For every girl listening. It is OriginalKevinMac. All one word ending with M-A-C. OriginalKevinMac. You absolutely have ending with M-A-C. Original Kevin Mac.

You absolutely have to fucking follow him on Instagram. Follow. Don't put any bad comments, guys. There's videos. Don't do anything crazy. The irony of writing original before his name is stunning. Me and my chick will be mutually masturbating to that later. You guys ready

to meet another comedian? Everybody having fun out there? Alright, this looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Justin Young. This way, this way. This way. All right. All right, all right. All right, all right, all right. Damn, I got to do jokes now?

Fuck, I was just eating food. You ever meet a girl so pretty she makes you want to exercise and get a job? Then you went home, looked at your unemployment check, watched Netflix for six hours Realized you weren't ready for this commitment That's a strictly adjusted young experience I don't know, man

I had one joke and ran out of shit to say Fuck I don't know You ever fell in love with a girl, right? You were so in love with this girl You were so in love with her that she turned into a lesbian? No! Yeah.

No, it's kind of a fucked up, like, realization, you know? Like, when, like, the girl that decides to let you put your dick in her, you know, decides to, like, give up dicks forever? You know, that's... I don't know, man. Ugh. I got important things to say I love

the sound of you thinking how you doing Justin? Tony I thought my phone was on vibrate the whole time Justin I like when a comic says I don't know out of nowhere like someone asked him a question My phone was on vibrate the whole time. Justin. I like when a comic says, I don't know, out of nowhere, like someone asked him a question. I don't know.

How do you get to Tulsa? I don't know. What were you eating in the back of the room? A baby Ruth? What's up? One of the great players of our time You look kind of like Like an evil dictator But like with sort of Downs-y Oh no no no

You look like You look like Mouse Syndrome Ari Shafir telling this guy He looks all the way from Downs-Downs You look like Mouth Syndrome. Ari Shafir telling this guy he looks all the way from Downs Downs. I'm trying to come up. Can you empty this pocket, please? What? Do you have a bike folded up in there? What possibly is inside a glasses case?

Well, do you have to throw it? This episode brought to you by Warby Parker. We're not the TSA, Justin. Relax. These are tight-ass pants, man., do you have to throw it? This episode is brought to you by Warby Parker. We're not the TSA, Justin. Relax. These are tight-ass pants, man. Why do you keep your glasses case with you? Do you take off your glasses a lot? I don't know.

I got to clean them sometimes. This is my first time wearing glasses, man. And when you clean them, you put them in their case? There's no way this is your first time wearing glasses. You were born with glasses. Look at you. You're born with glasses, guy. There's just no way.

Why are you squinting in your glasses? There's so many glasses. They're trying to read something small. It looks like he's wearing those fake Asian glasses. We've got to get him buck teeth. Yeah, he's just Mexican. He's got the fake glasses to make him look Asian. Oh, wow.

Yeah, the lapel that rolls down. What ethnicity are you, Justin? Your name is Justin Young. Mongolian? Well, no, I'm Chinese-Cambodian, but it's like when you get here, they don't fucking... Yeah, they don't actually give you your real last name.

Like, my actual Chinese name is Wong, but they spelled my actual last name O-U-N-G. I've never known how to pronounce that in my entire fucking life. Wong. And neither have we. Yeah, right? We've always said it Wong. So your parents are super Asian. Yeah. And neither have we Wow

So your parents are super Asian Where are they at? My dad's dead and my mom's living with me Drafted from the South Pacific Now living with him Let me ask you a question That was great wording Living with me

Was your dad killed by Pol Pot? No he died of old age. He was an asshole, so it kind of worked out. I was going to guess he was killed by Hot Pot. Killed by Hot Pot. Which is also Asian. Justin's one of the few people that have ever gotten pulled out of the bucket that has his own Comedy Central show. It's called Gore Burger.

I don't know if you guys have tuned into it yet. Really? Nobody? See, that's the only way using a Comedy Central punchline sucks. It's like literally, okay, let me just toss to Jeremiah, I guess. Go ahead. Wow, really shoehorning it.

I love it, man. Just keep any time you want. Whoopsie dadaisy. Justin, can you tell him I need another double tequila soda? Can I get another gobble-gobble? Yeah, and I never got that one drink that I ordered. Josh, do stuff better than you're doing it now, please. There is a rain delay on the field right now.

Justin, how long have you been doing stand-up? Like seven years. Justin's an employee here. He's a door guy. I actually work in the kitchen. You do. You work in the kitchen. You run food, correct?

Yeah. You're a food runner here at the Comedy Store. Meanwhile, if you noticed, he almost didn't know how to get to the stage. He stopped for some reason there and started to go that way. I guarantee you he's a food walker. for some reason there and started to go that way. I guarantee you he's a food walker. Justin, what's your love life like?

You're an interesting looking guy. What's that like? I feel like you know the answer to that one, Tony. I don't know, man. It's like I don't get laid often. How old are you? Too old to fucking not get laid that often. How old are you?

35. 35. Last old are you? 35. 35. Last date that you went on, where was that at? Where'd you go? How long ago? I'm sorry? How long ago was your last date that you went on? Four months ago.

Four months ago. All right. Where'd you meet her at? Did you really date someone who turned into a lesbian? Yeah, yeah. Nice. Well, no, she was bisexual, but it's just funny to say that she turned into a lesbian? Yeah, yeah. Nice. Well, no, she was bisexual, but it's just funny to say that she turned into a lesbian.

She just went back to pussy after she dated me. She was, I tried sexual, and she was like, no, no, no, I'm good. She tried me, and then she gave up. Once you've gone crack, do you always go back? No. Anyway. I haven't made anybody wait to hear that.

Another strikeout for Team Kill Tony. They are discussing what's going on in the ball pit right now. Let's come back to the studio and see what's going on here. Justin, where did you meet that girl that you went on the date with four years ago?

You met her at the dugout, man. Jeremiah, you want to have a sip of water or something, Jeremiah? Where did you meet that girl that you went on the date with four years ago? You met her at the dugout, man. Okay. Jeremiah, you want to have a sip of water or something, Jeremiah? Jesus fucking Christ. I was online. What? Online. Do you have the internet?

Plentyofsushi.com? Wow, he never announces when they hit well. You told me to take a sip of water and that's what I was doing. I fucking love this show. What app? Which one? What app? Oh, shit.

What app did you meet the girl on? Craigslist? Ooh, a chat room. Wow, fucking old school. What kind of chat room? Age, sex, location? ASL, baby. Dragon Ball?

They've been dating since 1996. Wait, two in a row? Really? Nothing? All right. Okay, so you ended up chatting. I think it was like IRC, if anybody remembers. Oh, my God.

Really? Yeah. The interracial chat room. Alright, for you three people that know what that is, go crack up in a corner. So back to this date. Justin, so you're chatting her up. What do you say? You want to go to dinner?

How does it work with you? I don't know, man. I was talking shit and she found me funny and then she just asked me out. She found you funny? Do you remember what you said? I know it wasn't anything from your set tonight. I did. We were speaking and I remember one fucking conversation like four months ago. Did you take the Red Band School of Getting Laid?

Yeah, probably. It's also the Bill Cosby School of Getting Laid. If you don't know, it's all... Brody! Different rules. So Justin, what did you end up doing with her? Is she still alive?

You read the Bill Cosby book, right? Justin, what did you do with this girl on your date four months ago? We went,

we got dinner and I never seen her again. Where'd you have dinner at? Whoa. Where'd you have dinner at? What was it, like,

Red Lobster? I think it was Acapulco or whatever that fucking restaurant is. I don't know, man. Acapulco? It's on Sunset. I don't know, man. Acapulco? Yeah, it's on Sunset down there.

A Mexican place. You went to Bad Mexican? Good happy hour. It's not bad. That's pretty bad. This episode is brought to you by Acapulco. Get your happy hour good times. Where do you think it went wrong?

Where do you think the date went wrong? Where do you think the point is when she decided she wasn't going to fuck you? Was there a specific point? Clinical depression. I think that's where it went wrong. Oh, you told her that you had clinical depression? But she could tell. Oh, shit. This is making me so sad.

How could she tell? That's not the right music, Brian. That's the Cosby show theme from two minutes ago. There it is. How did she know you have depression? I don't know, man. I just talked about my life.

She knew I was sad, and that's how life... I don't know, man. What do you think the saddest part of the history of your life is, Justin? Other than the 60 seconds that you did here tonight. Like, where do I start, man? Justin, I want to say something. I could probably help you a little bit. I like you very much.

I want to take care of you, but you have very depressing posture. You look like you're always kind of like, I don't know, man. Well, this... Chicks, dates, I don't know. Ladies and gentlemen, Joel Jimenez.

I was just going to say, Jay, the turtle shell is really heavy. Wow, listen to that. Listen to the Joelberg chants. We've been watching the chants grow over the last couple weeks and it might be my favorite thing that happens in the show. Motherfucking Joelberg. One more time, everybody.

Back there on the drums, killing it. If there's any girl here that wants to fuck him, please, please, please, please, please, let's fuck Justin. There he goes, Justin Young, everybody. Justin along. All right, we're going to go back to the bucket in just a little bit. Here at KCAL News, a slew of comedians committed suicide after a Kill Tony podcast happened.

But before we go back to the bucket, I'm going to bring up your one and only regular. Who likes the regular on this show, huh? We know her, we love her. One of the top rising comedians in the world. Put your hands together. New minute every week from our regular, the great Allie Makovsky. Such a treat. Wow. When I was little, I was afraid of the dark, and so I would sleep in my dad's room, but my dad would always put a pillow between us. Did he think that there was sexual tension?

I don't know. I know he's into girls from broken homes, but I didn't think it would be his own. Maybe I was leading him on, though. You know, I would always ask him to take me out to dinner, and he would always pay, so maybe he was expecting something. Wow.

I don't know. Now as an adult, I don't really need my dad that much. I just want him to be my sugar daddy. But now I feel weird saying daddy, so I'd rather have him be my sugar father. Thank you. Unspin. Exactly 60 seconds.

Thank you. It's been exactly 60 seconds. Another brand new fucking hilarious minute from Allie McCossack. She even got a thank you one right at the end, right before the cat. Great. Well timed. She's an absolute killer. This is your first time meeting Ari Shafir, right? Yeah.

I've seen her around before. Oh. Ooh la la. The old Jewish rattlesnake. What was that? A frog. The old Jewish rattlesnake. What was that? Frog. That's the noise of Ari lurking around the corner. Ari.

Ari. Ari, the Jewish rattlesnake, Shafir. Jewish rattlesnake, though? I like it. Such a creepy noise you make, Ari. I didn't make that noise. She made it. Such a creepy noise you make, Ari. I didn't make that noise. She made it. What?

When you get upset, Ari, it gets even louder. He's on the ten. He's on the five. Jews are far too lazy to make that much movement. That's too much movement for a Jew. That's not right. Oh, God. He's pretty upset right now.

Shake your neck when they do the sound. Okay, ready? One, two, three. You just left me out there. You just left me out there. Brian. Brian. One, two, three.

Brian. It doesn't work when you're not paying attention. Wow, and the buzzer beater is no good. Yeah, definitely not. Oh, shit. Allie, you're killing it. Another brand new minute. You're the regular on this show.

It's incredible to watch you. I've been doing this for God knows how long. Yeah, she's been on the show since episode 100 with a small hiatus in between. Soon after she became a regular, it became illegal for performers to perform here under the age of 21. And she was 20 at the time. Did it really? You can't even go up and then leave? Yeah, not anymore.

Not like it used to be. Wait, so how many minutes have you done here so far? I mean, I don't know. Probably close to 100, I would guess. 100 minutes. An hour and 40 minutes of material. Yeah, but it's not, like, good.

A lot of it's good. No, it's great, Ellie. It's decent at best. The Jewish rattlesnake making another approach toward the goal. Oh, I don't think he liked that joke at all. Wait a second. Wait a second. Okie dokie.

Alright, Brian. Normally I'm the one who's the predator. Ari's just giving you shit because you got a better haircut from the same barber. Alright. She'll take the Jewish rattlesnake for 25. All right. Make it 15. Wow, that was fucking hilarious.

She's Jewish, too. I think she was great. Half. Allie McCroskey showing her true colors on the court today. What's the other half? Non-Jewish. Irish, right? Human.

All right. All right. Okay. They're all Jewish, you guys. They're all Jewish. Beware, non-Jews. They're out there. Anything else?

So you killed again. Anything else in your normal life been interesting this past week, Ali? I saw Andrew this weekend. Andrew? Santino. Oh, whoa! Who's the rattlesnake now? It's still Ari. Where was I?

You were at Sinespia. Oh, I was. You were? We saw Wayne's World at the cemetery. On the lawn? Yeah, if you's World. That's right. We saw Wayne's World at the cemetery. On the lawn? Huh? On the lawn there? Yeah, on the lawn.

Yeah, if you've never been to see a movie there at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, they show movies. We saw Wayne's World. That was great. That's a great place to wait seven hours to get into a movie theater, huh? You went together or you just ran into each other there? No, no, no. I worked there.

Yeah, I saw True Romance there. It was a great place. But dress warm. Don't make this about you, Brian. It's about her. How'd you like Wayne's World? I was working the whole time, so I did not really

get to enjoy it. Ask me, Tony. Party off, Wayne. How'd you like it, Anna? It was great. I loved it. I didn't have to work. I'm happy for you. It was fantastic. You deserve it. I sat in a bag. You have to come prepared. Did they make you wear any weird movie theater shit

at that job? No, I like to dress up for it. I'll try and dress up for whatever the movie is, but I do have to wear this Nespia shirt. What did you wear for Wayne's World? I just wore light wash denim jeans, converse, and a flannel. I couldn't really go for that.

You do have the demeanor of somebody who works at a cemetery. Yeah. And a movie theater. I've been fired from one movie theater, but not a cemetery yet. Oh, alright. Well, Allie, you did it again.

Another brand new minute from our regular The Frankenstein of Kill Tony. That was fucking She was hilarious. Your future Great job. That's from the future, ladies and gentlemen. One more time from the great Ali McCoskey.

Yeah, she's a fucking monster. She just gets better every week. This looks like a new name. Are you guys excited to go back to the bucket? The opportunity to meet someone else? Put your hands together. This looks like a new name. Are you guys excited to go back to the bucket? The opportunity to meet someone else? Put your hands together. This looks like a new one. Chip Nicholson.

Here he comes. Chip Nicholson coming down from La Jolla, California. He's coming up, and here he goes. Hey, guys. I'm not much of a thug, but I do respect him. All my cousins are thugs, and I like to wear the color pink from time to time.

So I was out shopping with my cousins for a pink hoodie, and my cousin looks at me and is like, Hey, dawg, why you buying a pink? He talk like this because he had a fake grill in his mouth. When I say a fake grill, I mean like when you're too broke to buy a real grill, let alone a dentist.

So you go out and buy a shit ton of Juicy Fruit wrappers and form-foil the teeth like a ghetto orthodontist. Hey, dog, why you buying a pink hoodie? That's kind of shush Beck. And I was like, cause cops don't shoot

black kids in pink hoodies. It's a clerical nightmare what he's black and gay. That's too much paperwork. That is. Alright. Chip Nicholson dipping out at 50 seconds. All right, Chip. How long have you been doing stand-up?

About seven years now. Very cool. I know you. You're from the La Jolla Comedy Store, right? Yes, I am. Yes, sir. Very cool. And how long have you lived in L.A.?

Since February. What do you do here? I'm a waiter. Where are you a waiter at? Third Street Promenade. 12-12 off of Third Street Promenade. Okay. What kind of food do they serve? It's a mix.

It's American, Japanese, and Italian. Just how I like my women. Chip is a comedian, not a waiter. Chip is a comedian from San Diego. He's a comedian. Yeah, of course. I'm just trying to figure out how he survives. What's your living situation? I live in basically a closet from San Diego. He's a comedian. Yeah, of course. I'm just trying to figure out how he survives. What's your living situation?

I live in basically a closet with a shower. Well, we know you live in the closet. Kind of like that show I'm Dying Up Here on Showtime that's available right now. On Showtime now? Oh, yeah. There are guys that live in a closet. Yeah. That was one scene that I thought was interesting.

And a litter box. That's true. Yeah, that's true. Spoiler alert. That's true. Look, that's true. Spoiler alert. That's true. Look, I know Bill Maher just got in trouble, but are we all dancing around the fact that there's a black guy named Chip Nicholson on stage? I get a lot of interviews.

I get a lot of interviews. Come on, bro. Not the job, but I get a lot of interviews for sure. Dude, I was about to go to the bathroom. I was like, I got to go pee real quick. But then when I saw he was black, I was like, oh, fuck, I can't. That would seem weird. You'd be making statements. Oh, Chip Nicholson, he doesn't need my attention.

Daddy loves Chip Nicholson. Chip, it's a San Diego thing, right? Like, black people from San Diego have the whitest names. No, no, my mom's craving was potato chips, so she nicknamed me Chip. And what about Nicholson? Nicholson, that's my dad's last name. She fucked a white guy.

What do you mean? What else? Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. Was that a joke saying that your mom was craving chips? No, no, no. When she was pregnant with me, her craving was potato chips. Wow. Do you have any idea how close you were to being named Vanilla Ice Cream? Oh, my God.

Or Slim Jim. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles Jimenez. Pickles Nicholson. The chips were obviously Barbecue That's all I was gonna say Hey

And Chip you like it You like it You all sitting in Hot from the bench And delivering once again It's a big move You came to LA

It's a fucking big move For your stand up career It was It was How's it going so far So far it's It's eye opening And it's fun

And it's Honestly LA isening and it's fun. Honestly, L.A. is an adventure. I don't know. Can you give us an example of some of the interesting things that have happened to you since you moved up here? Okay, yes. Honestly, the very first open mic I went to at the Lexington downtown. A couple people

own the Lexington? Cool. Very cool. I saw a pimp smack his two hoes in the parking lot across the structure. And I apologize for that. In one amazing smack? You got them both? No, no. Like three stooges?

No, no, no. So he smacked one hoe, and then she went off and cried, and then the other hoe went over to her to smack her for him. Whoa, the hoe turned on the other hoe went over to her to smack her for him. Whoa, the hoe turned on the other hoe. She threw her under the hoe train. And I'm from San Diego.

I thought, like, I was asking everybody around because everybody was just standing there like, oh, wow, this is crazy. I was like, is this normal? They're like, yeah, no, yeah, for L.A. Yeah. Is nobody going to say it could have been Cheetos, Nicholson? I could have been your baby, buddy Flamin' hot Cheetos Nicholson How has no one called him Chocolate Chip yet?

That's too easy Chip, Chip, Chip Get off my shoulder, man Chip, Chip, over here Other than your name, what's the whitest thing about you? I've been on, let's see, one, two, three, four, five different cruise ships. Wow. Including the Disney cruise.

Wow. How'd you end up on so many cruise ships? Those weren't cruise ships. My grandparents were rich. My grandpa was a professor at UCSD, and they paid for us. Those are the whitest things about you. Yes, that's the answer. Oh, I'm sorry. I grew up in Del Mar.

Yeah. I know how to surf, snowboard and skateboard. Yes. Jay doesn't understand this. I know my tax. I know how to file taxes. I know what a 401k is. What? That's what's white about you. I gotta make some phone calls. I'll be right back. What's white about you?

This is the West Coast black. This is the same as anybody else out here. We're very back. What about you? What about the East Coast? This is the West Coast black. This is just the same as anybody else out here. We're very progressive. What did you say your parents do again? My dad is a general in the Army. He worked in, I'm sorry, in the Air Force. He worked in the Pentagon. And then my mom is a, she was an administrative teacher and a head start.

You skateboard? Of course. Longboard. This is what I'm talking about, man. This is what I'm talking about. I was actually sponsored for a while. Who were you sponsored by? It was a shitty skateboard company

in Alabama. Joel Jimenez. The band used to be sponsored by frankinoak.com. I just wanted to bring that up again. Oh, no. I need to close. Ari and Chipper were in the same jacket, by the way. If you don't know.

We're part of the same member. Just a couple of black Jews here getting along. Look at that. My people are from Northern Africa. Which leads me to my next question. Chip, what's the most Jewish thing about you? The most Jewish thing about me? He's here at this fucking club.

I see. Hava Nigila. The most Jewish thing about me. I would say I will pick. I do Hava Nagila. The most Jewish thing about me, I would say I will pick... I do hoard my pennies. And I will... No, like legitimately. I hoard all my change and then

I go to Coinstar and make sure that I have enough money for gas the next month. When did your parents stop giving you money? At 18 when I... Oh, okay. Because I moved out. So all those cruise ships were before 18? Oh, yeah. All those cruise ships were definitely before 18. If your parents were white,

they'd still be paying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where the line draws. Alright, Chip. Letter? Wait, were you asking me? I don't know. I'm liking this up here, man. I mean, I was doing it, and then I...

Yeah, that's it. All right. Chip Nicholson. Thank you very much. There he goes. Chip Nicholson from La Jolla, California, everybody. I've known this guy a while. I didn't recognize...

Well, we got one black out of the way. Here we go back to the white people, Tony. There was a black guy... I hugged him, which made it extra Tony. There was a black guy earlier, Andrew, that talked about nitrous the whole time. Alright. There's better be a white guy sitting in the bathroom.

Put your hands together for Patrick Ramirez. You know it's not. Sit down. Oh, well, he looks white. You can get out of here. Hey, guys. How are you guys doing today? I don't like when it's hot in L.A. It's so hot in L.A. today, I saw a homeless dude stripped down to, like, only three jackets. Homelessness is one of the things that makes me think the most.

I always have a gut reaction when I see it. I saw a homeless couple today. You ever see a homeless couple? I saw that and I was like, damn. What a kick in the ass to all the single people, right? Because I'm single. I saw that and I was like, that guy's doing something right. I'm on to my fourth dating app.

My fourth one. I'm on that dating app Bumble. You guys know Bumble? That's the one where you match and the girl never messages you. It's pretty effective. Do we ever think we would get to the point where we're just telling strangers how tall we all are? That's all we care about. In the future, our profile pictures will just be us by the door of a 7-Eleven so you can see the measurement.

That's it. I still read the dating profiles. I still read them all. What gets me the most is when I read an overly positive dating profile. I read one that said, I have a great career. I love my life. I love my family. Life is an adventure. I read that

and I was like, none of us are here because life is going according to plan. Thank you guys. There you go, Patrick Ramirez. By far one of the funniest local weathermen we've ever had on this show. Patrick. I think you mean local weatherman.

There he is. Joelberg. Breaking news. The streak is back on. He might actually get some free clothes out of that one. Joelberg. All right. Look at that face. Very good.

All right. Guys, for the love of fucking Christ, it's unbelievable. You guys will just hate people liking you for some reason. Let's just push it. Let's break the momentum. It'll be really creative. Once again, he has thrown a fit on the sidelines right now.

Yeah, yeah. Yep. I really like your show, The Prophet, by the way, Marcus. Oh, yeah. I do know who you're talking about Patrick what do you do for work we talked about this I work in the bicycle industry

booming industry that's as vague as you can be in the bicycle industry no better time than now to get into the bicycle industry. I'm investing all the money I have straight into bicycles. I'm slaying it. Never been bigger. What was that, Big J?

What did you say? Slaying it. I'm slaying Huffy's. What I want to say is I already went past it. Your hands are so much tanner than your face. Whoa, they are. Why are your hands dark? What is that? He's a hand model. He's a hand model. Hand ritual. His hands went on

vacation. Dark hands. You have the exact same hands that Chip Nicholson had. And you actually look like you'd be a Chip Nicholson. I get that. I've gotten that a lot.

All right, let's see your penis. Let's see how dark that is. Yeah, that's what I want to do. Does it get browner as it goes down? Browner when it goes down? Yeah, I have a pretty light-skinned torso. Do you have like a crazy dark dick? I bet you got a really dark dick, right?

I got that dark dick. Let's see that dark dick. Old Doc Dekrameras. Let's see that dark dick You got a really dark dick right dark dick let's see that dark dick old With us the judges table like flash dance just go across Fight is broken out on the hockey rink. Patrick. Thank you for laughing, Sarah. What's your love life like? What are you into? I'm a single guy. Really? I thought you were

into bicycles. He coaches the WNNBA team. Patrick, what are your hobbies? What are you into for fun when you're not slinging bikes? I ride my bike a lot. I ride a tandem bike alone. I ride a tandem bike alone. Say it again.

That was deep. Say it again, Patrick. I'm not going to lie. That hurt. What's that? I'm not going to lie. That hurt. He has torn his ACL and he is limping off a field. Say it again, Patrick. I'm not going to lie. That hurt. What's that? I was like, not going to lie. That hurt. Aw. He has torn his ACL, and he is limping off a field. Patrick, what was your answer to hobbies or things you do for fun?

I ride my bike a lot. Wow. You're going to double down, even though I've asked it twice. I want to ride my bike. Where do you like to ride your fucking bike, Patrick? You're giving me nothing to fucking work with here. I'll ride my bike around Griffith Park. I'll head out around there, right up to Pasadena.

And the rep is just called Travel. This sounds like the interview when someone's trying to very delicately ask a child who molested them. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You're like, where do you like to play? In the yard by the grass? I'd ask you more about this subject matter, Patrick, but this bicycle thing is too tiring for me.

Too tires, you fucking assholes. It's too tire, you bastards. That's a clean, fresh written, just for you, fucking bicycle joke about it being boring, about what he's talking about. Too many bicycles. Tony Hinchcliffe, really upset by the referee's call on this one. Hey, let's inflate Tony's ego. There you go. It's not like tire humor. They're let's inflate Tony's ego. There you go. It's not like tire humor. They're really just not into it at all.

Patrick. This entire audience doesn't like that. Do you ever think that the reason why you might be single and have trouble dating is because you only talk about bicycles? Cross my mind, yeah, but that's... How often do you ride bicycles? Cross my mind, yeah. But that's...

How often do you ride bicycles? A couple times a week. That's it? Yeah. What do you do when you're not fucking riding bicycles and not at the bicycle shop? Tony. What's going on?

Joel Jimenez. I got a few, all right? This is a vicious cycle. That's the first one. Second one, I think about riding bicycles. That's what he does. He thinks about riding bicycles. This went on way too long.

And also, LeBron James is doing really good up here. LeBron James. There's no second level to that at all. Was I LeBron James. There's no second level of that at all. Was I LeBron James? Joe Jimenez almost for the Schwinn. You know, can I tell you what's crazy? This has been an extremely boring segment dealing with bicycles. Yet, if you just take away one wheel and all of these stories were about unicycles,

it becomes a thousand times more interesting. It was a very serious talk. Shit got way too wheel in here. That's adorable. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Boo. Patrick. Patrick. Yeah. I don't know. What do you want to talk about? All right. Let's do it. There he goes, Patrick Ramirez, everybody.

He's on Twitter at Patrick in my head. Andrew has a good idea. He says we should go to the bucket one more time. So you think we need one more comic? One more comic! I'll wait for this. Have you gone pee yet? No, no. But I'll wait for this. I'll wait for this. Have you gone pee yet?

No, no. But I'll wait. But just one more. Let me ask you a question. Yeah. When you draw those out of the hat, do you ever get an Oscar situation where you read the wrong name?

No. Great. End of story. That's why I think that thing was set up for the media. You were going with the media? I got into a huge argument with somebody. No way. You really think it was a pure accident?

Yes. Flat earther, flat earther. Those things are so overproduced. In a million years, that could never happen. The winner for best film gets confused, and the one wins, and then they both sort of look like winners. You gave the wrong envelope.

Okay, sure. That's fucking impossible. How is it possible? I'm passionate. Somebody's on their fucking impossible. I'm like passionate. I am flat earther about this. So many people here don't have basic cable. I didn't even watch it, but I looked back at it

because it was a media blitz. By the way, that was the only thing I heard about of American culture while I was traveling. Was that they wrote it wrong? And that's why they all hate us. I still don't know who won the presidential election. Who did I still don't know who won the presidential election. Who did?

I don't know. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys ready to bring this thing home or what? Oh, shit. It's La La Land. He's killing it. La La Land. La La Land. All right, ladies and gentlemen,

your final comedian performing for 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Eddie Cisneros. Italian as white. What's up, you guys? You know I will steal your life. Can you get to see that life? What's up, you guys? I, at one point in time, weighed 316 pounds, man. I have no idea how much I weighed today, but I can see my penis. That's what counts, right? Dude, that should be a goal in every man's life.

Have enough money to retire, pay off your mortgage, and make sure your damn cock doesn't disappear. All right? Because, look, I don't like to tell people I lost the weight, though, because I'm from a small town called Odessa, Texas. All right? I get the regular questions, how you do it, how long did it take. Then I get Odessa, Texas questions like,

how much damn cocaine did you do, bro? Which, look, guys, not only is that shit rude, it's ridiculous, because even if I did do it like that, it's not like I kept track. Who's doing that? Who's waking up on Monday morning? Let me see. Monday, protein shake, so far so good. 10-mile jog, 10 push-ups, a bottle of cocaine,

752 push-ups, checked the window 47 times, 1,000 jaw movements, check the window 48 times. Eddie Cisneros. I like how his second joke was he doesn't like to talk about the weight loss, but his first joke was talking about the weight loss. Yeah. Got to open up with it somehow, man. Eddie, wow, that's an interesting thing. How long have you been on stand-up, first of all?

Four years. Four years. Where are you from? Odessa, Texas. Odessa, Texas. What's that near, like Dallas? It's like four hours from there. It's a little town.

Okay. Yeah. Interesting. And how long have you been in L.A.? It's going to be from there. It's a little town. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. And how long have you been in L.A.? It's going to be a year in June. And when did you lose the weight? About, it's going to be 10 years or so. When I was like 22. Oh, okay.

So you were just a fat baby. Yeah, the whole life. You blame your parents on that a little bit? I'm Mexican, dude. I'm just fucking. Are you excited to gain all the weight back? Are you excited to gain all the weight back when the crippling depression of Los Angeles

settles in? Oh, yeah. It's already started happening, dude. Get ready, y'all. So you have that extra skin that looks creepy and that shit, right? That you tuck in your belt and stuff? Do you still have that? Does that last 10 years?

Oh yeah, it's still there. Show us! Show us! Oh! Yeah! I would rather never lose weight. That was so upsetting. I didn't know you really had that.

You look fantastic. Oh, dude, you could buy a shirt at the mall. I envy you. And also I learned tonight, I have a sort of Mexican haircut. You do. It's a thing. Oh, man. We can give you a card tonight, dude.

Hey, let me ask you a question. What's your name again? Eddie. Eddie. What are you doing July 18th? Nothing. Would you like to watch my Netflix special? Yes, I would.

Yes. Wow. Look at that. Eddie Cisneros. And the Jewish rattlesnake strikes again. One could say. Come on, Brian. You're already a big slender.

God damn it. It would take him four seconds. Those Jewish rattlesnakes. They're coming to get you. Eddie. There it is. There. Thanks.

Thanks, dude. So what do you do for fun in L.A.? What do you do for a living? I'm a boxing trainer. Really? Yeah, boxing trainer. Wow. Do you ever let anybody hit your

punching bag that you have? I got the mix, yeah. It is extra absorbent. Alright, boxing trainer. How long have you been doing that for? Past year. Wow. Experienced. Yeah.

Before you were, when you were younger, you were more into unboxing. Like pizzas and shit, right? Are you a boxing trainer, like boxing classes for civilians, or you're in there like, you know, go get them rock? No, I'm not like an actual

professional trainer. You ever throw any punch lines? Hey! And I slipped the jab on that one. All right. Comedians on the panel are getting KO'd by what's happening

right now going on. So you moved to LA about a year ago from Texas. Yeah. What's your living situation? Originally, I came out here to live with another comic

on his, he offered me his couch. I met my girlfriend, so now I'm living with her. Wait, wait, wait. You met a girl out here, and then you live with her? Oh, nice. I thought you were going to say you and your girlfriend. If you saw the guy who yelled out, nice, that's double funny.

Oh, what? He literally looks like Kerry King. I got a question. How do the Mexicans in Texas differ from the Mexicans in Los Angeles? More cheese. They both hate me. They both hate you?

When you play basketball, are you always on shirts or extra skins? Definitely shirts. Joni Angel, coming back from behind. Oh, well, I'm behind now, really? You son of a bitch. Definitely Shirts Tony Hinchcliffe Coming back from behind Oh well I'm behind now Really

You son of a bitch Wow Do I hate this Sports commentator Character that they're Doing tonight Oh how I hate it Alright

What was I saying Eddie Did we find out Your hobbies How long did it take You to get to California Like the drive You drove Andrew Were you like curious All right. What was I saying? Eddie, did we find out your hobbies? How long did it take you to get to California? Like the drive.

You drove? Andrew, were you like curious? Are you going to go visit or something? It's a 16-hour drive. Oh, like a drive. Was that uncomfortable in the back of a U-Haul? And Ari Shafir has just been ejected from this game. No, no, Ari's dead. Eddie, what are your hobbies?

What do you do for fun when you're not at the boxing gym? Just pretty much, I've just been working on either getting better at the training or getting better at stand-up. Have you ever tried broadening your fight game to stabbings? It's in my genes, I'm sure. Have you ever tried laying down your belly over the newspaper comics and seeing...

I'm just jealous. I've never lost anything. Do you think the belly is the weirdest part? You're not going to have to show us, but what's the part are you the most self-conscious about? Do you have saggy butt cheeks or boobies? Do you have extra dick skin? No. Wait, how does that guy know?

Yeah, he does. How does that Dodgers... I tasted it last night. That's misrepresentation of the Dodgers, if I've ever seen it before, sir. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. It's not the Dodgers guy.

It's this beautiful West Hollywood bear that's piped up over here. The actual West Hollywood bear is here for the first time. There he is! And he's ready to fuck! A lot of people have been wondering over the last four years, which by the way, I forgot to say, by the way, this is the four year anniversary of this show,

Kill Tony. Four years. Four more years. Four more years. Four more years. Four more years. Four more years. Four more years. Four more years. There you go. What did you say?

Whoa! There's another one! Audience battle! Audience battle! Audience battle! Oh, shit. That was all Audience battle. Audience battle. Audience battle. Ah. Oh, shit.

That was all white dick love right there. They are lighting each other up in the audience. No microphones. We're sorry to the podcast listeners, but the guy behind the guy that was behind the original guy just got the guy that got the guy. And they're fucking each other in the ass right now. It's crazy. Guys, relax.

It was all love. So much butt sex going on. They kissed pee holes at the end. Did your dick get bigger when you lost all the weight? You could see more of it. It was definitely more visually. You had all this shit covering up, dude. But not more oomph actually there?

Wasn't there ever, didn't you ever do anything like lay a mirror on the ground and jerk off over it or something like that? Couldn't you ask the nitrous guy for some kind of reflective satellite that you could launch up and see your dick? He knows what a dick looks like. You don't have to fucking research it. I'm asking if your extra dick length is worth no carbs. That's why I like hotels because they always have that long mirror and that long thing. You can just lay there and look at your butthole And your dick

There you go There's Red Band being Red Band Let me ask Did you ever Dude show us your dick I'm sick of all this Stop stop stop I want to see that beautiful brown bean you got

Whip it out god damn it Yeah Stop it Brian Look at that beautiful brown bean you got. Whip it out, goddammit. Yeah! Stop it, Brian. Give me that chalupa. Brian! I stopped at the gut, guys. I stopped at the gut.

Eddie, back when you couldn't see your dick over your stomach, did you ever, like, feel for it like a blind guy and not know where it was or anything like that? Or did you just always sort of have a natural thing? You always know the January area. Oh. Yeah. I just thought it hadn't made it over the wall yet. You know. Joelbert.

That was our Mexican announcer, Joel Jimenez. I mean, you do like, and it's tough. You know, you got that big old belly in the way and you have to reach down. You got to surge down sometimes. Were you a fat baby? Yeah, I was fat the whole time, dude. Wow.

Are you 116 pounds? And how old are you now? You said you lost it 10 years ago. Yeah, I'm like 190 right now. But I mean, what age are you? Oh, 32. You're 32. So you lost it all at about 22.

Yeah. Did you start getting laid immediately or less laid immediately? What did you notice? I did go through the whole roster of the chicks that like friends owned me wow but like i'm a sweet dude but he came back from behind and god was rightfully owed to him did you come inside all those girls dude you gotta dude show them just to prove it you know what i mean yeah just leave them you denied me i'm gonna come inside all of you that's how you get them dude yeah when you come inside of them when you come inside of them, not only do you lose weight,

but they gain them of that little bit of weight. It's like a transfer. There's your screenplay. It's like a weight transplant. Coming this summer to TBS. He's brown and he's not around. A fat kid gets revenge On all those frigid whores

Who shut him out in high school Who's fat now bitches Alright Eddie Are you getting a lot of puss right now I got a girlfriend now How long have you had the girlfriend How long have you had the girlfriend Where's she at

January Where'd you meet her at Met her at How long have you had the girlfriend? Where's she at? Is she here? It's like January. January. Where'd you meet her at? Met her at a party. I don't know. Wow, that sounded like a lie. Fourth of July.

It beat. Fourth of July? Yeah. No, she's not here. Nice. Good for you, dude. Was it a Mexican Fourth of July where you guys dominate a public beach with

aggressive musics and barbecues and wild ethnic smells? Hey, how come none of you guys own a swimsuit? It's just always jean shorts. How do you get in the ocean in sneakers? Oh, wait. No, no, no.

Eddie does have a bathing suit, Andrew. He's wearing it right now. Because he's got all that extra skin, remember? That was weird. All right, Eddie. And that free throw is missed. All right, Eddie. I surf in a wetback suit.

Hey, Joel Jimenez. There it was, there it Hey! Joel Jimenez. Joel Jimenez. Burying yet another of his own kind. There he goes. Eddie Cisneros, everybody. Woo! While you guys enjoyed yourselves,

the great Ryan J. E. Belt drew tonight's episode. Look at that motherfucker right there. That's tonight's live drawing of tonight's show. All those prints are available at ryanjebel.com. So is currently our only piece of merch, the official Kill Tony poster, the second version featuring the great Ali Makovsky. The Monster Energy Outbreak Tour for me starts in August, but I'm doing the road almost continuously up until then.

Literally, if you live anywhere, I'm performing within an hour of where you live in the next two months. So if you want to see a live stand-up show, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com because I'm touring like a madman. Guys, promote your shit. Ari Shafir, July 18th, Double Negative on Netflix. Double Negative, two different specials linked. Watch them one at a time. I don't know. Watch them however you want. I love specials linked. Watch them one at a time. I don't know. Watch them however you want.

I love it. July 18th. One after the other. Yeah, it doesn't even matter if they watch it right away. And they're totally going to end up watching it no matter what. Because if Netflix is an amazing algorithm, they can watch other people's. And then they're still going to fall upon yours no matter what. Because Netflix is the shit. Did getting on Netflix make you learn the meaning of the word algorithm?

No, no. I already knew it. But did you just learn it? I did. Very good. Also, hypothesis. Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think it's that powerful of a word.

Andrew Santino, Showtime. We're not just, like, pushing it. I know sometimes when a friend's on or something, you say this thing is great. I literally watched this show. I laughed and I fucking cried. It was amazing. I texted you guys all immediately. You have to thing is great. I literally watched this show. I laughed and I fucking cried. It was amazing. I texted you guys all immediately. You have to check it out.

I'm dying up here on Showtime. Yeah, please watch I'm Dying Up Here on Showtime. That's Sunday? Sundays, and then I have an hour special on Showtime that's up there now called Home People Advantage. So watch that. Watch that. What's that called again?

Do they have an app? Do they have an app? Just came out. They have an app. Can you watch it on the app? You can, baby. Watch Santino's special. And it's free. Thank you. Yeah. What's it called again? Do they have an app? They have an app? Just came out. They have an app. Watch the app. Can you watch it on the app? You can, baby. Watch Santino's special.

And it's free. Thank you. The first month is free. First month is free. Just cancel after. What's the name of your special one more time? Home Field Advantage. That's right.

Home Field Advantage. Guys, it just came out Friday. It's the first one-hour special on Showtime. Thanks. Thank you. And by the way, Andrew also never started a podcast with Steve Renazzisi as opposed to two years ago. Check that out. I already gave you a lot of shit about that.

Here we go. One of my favorite humans in the world, the great Big Jay Ogerson, everybody. Leaving an impact on this stage tonight as always. Thank you, sir. You can check me out, Legion of Skanks on gasdigitalnetworks.com.

Bonfire, Comedy Central Radio, Sirius XM 95, and What's Your Fucking Deal, my all-crowd work show on CISO. So, yeah. Hang in there. Keep listening, and I'll keep making you laugh. I fucking love you guys. Tony, I love you, man. Thank you so much for having me on the show.

I love you. Tony! I was on this past season of What's Your Fucking Deal, and I had an absolute blast. That's all on CISO. And we love you, Big J. And again, the Kill Tony's going to be closing out Skank Fest at the end of June on June 30th.

And guess who's going to be there? The great Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah is also going to be on the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour with me for plenty of those dates in the month of August. So that's who's going to be with me, the great Jeremiah Watkins. I'd just like to add that Tony was drinking Red Bull tonight,

everybody. Red Bull. That's not true. That's not true. That's Monster. Not true. Look at Ari. Make a little jokey pie.

That's right. Watch his new special on YouTube. Hulu, Hulu, Hulu. July 18th, live streaming on YouTube. Pat Reagan. July 18th. Live streaming on YouTube. Pat Reagan. Shout out to Rod Stewart. Check out his music. He's got a great voice.

Pat Reagan's on Twitter at Patty Reagan. He has a brand new album out that's hilarious called Bad Chat. He's a comedic musical genius and I love everything he does. That's Patty Reagan. We do not save... We do save the best for last here. Ladies and gentlemen, motherfucking

Joel Berg in the house. Joel Jimenez. Hit me up. I'm mostly sorry. I love you guys. All one word. Mostly sorry. Red Band, what do you think? See you later. Live audience, thank you. I said to you, it's late September and I really should be back at school. I know I keep you amused, but I feel I'm being used. Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore.

I don't have time anymore. You led me away from home just to save you from being alone. You stole my heart and that's what really hurts. I'm out.