KILL TONY - KILL TONY #216

Episode Date: June 17, 2017

Willie Hunter, Jerron Horton, Andrew Santino, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 06/12/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Every second and fourth Wednesday, we're at the Laugh Factory. And Death Squad Toronto just went on sale July 27th with Dean Del Rey, Sam Tripoli, Ian Edwards, and me. That's July 27th at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. You can go to thecornercomedy.com for tickets or just go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has a website, The Golden Pony. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all his tour dates. He's about to go on this

huge tour for Monster Energy. So check it out, TonyHinchcliffe.com Also, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the new Kill Tony poster. Go to RyanJEbelt. Ebelt, the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the new Kill Tony poster. Go to ryanjebelt.com. All right.

Don't forget shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We've got some hats in stock. We also have some new t-shirts coming soon. So check out shopsquad.tv. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rampant Company Live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony.

Tony. Hello! Hi, everybody. How are you? Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world You guys ready for a fun night or what? Still shuffling around up there, look at this I like it One more time for the great Pat Rager

Playing some jams for you The great Brian Redman is here We're about to do this shit again. This is episode 200 of motherfucking something. Celebrating four years of this show. This is episode 220 or something crazy. Something like that. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here drawing right in front of us.

Blank sheet of paper. He's the guy that drew that Kill Tony poster right there. And that's all available at ryanjebelt.com drew that Kill Tony poster right there. And that's all available right in J-E-Belt.com. Official Kill Tony merch. I'm going on tour. Big tour. I'm doing Houston this weekend, Fort Worth. And the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour is coming up for me,

which is me doing rock venues and theaters all around the country. All those tickets are available at TonyHinchcliffe.com. We've got a show Wednesday at the Laugh Factory. Also, Death Squad Toronto next month, July. I'm also going to Alaska. Tickets are going on sale tomorrow. We say that not for you guys in the audience, but for the podcast listeners all around the world. Should we bring up our guests?

All right. Let's start with some guests. I always promise and give you two of the funniest comedians in the world, two of my funniest friends. Tonight is no different. Put your hands together for the present and the motherfucking future. It's the great Jaron Horton and Willie Hunter, everybody. Oh, shit.

The writer of I'm Dying Up here on Showtime. You want to know who writes that shit? This guy. He's the writer. The Carmichael Show on NBC. Who writes all of that funny stuff? That guy right there. Guys I've been friends with for years that are fucking making it.

These are two dudes that I, just like me, that went from being a motherfucking door guy at the store to making six figures at least a year. Give it up for these two motherfuckers right here. Comedy business fucking hustlers. Two of my funniest, most

creative friends. Willie, of course, is part of the wave on Rose Battle, one third of the powerful wave. The writer of the wave on Rose Battle, one-third of the powerful wave. Yeah. The writer of the Carmichael Show, one of my favorite stand-up comedians, one of my favorite dancers. Oh, man.

That's a great compliment. I saw you win that dance competition a couple weeks ago. Goddamn blew my mind. I was stumbling up here to go pee or something. So I saw this guy in full Michael Jackson. This place was bumping. Yeah, yeah. Smooth criminal.

That's what I did. It was fucking awesome. The Great Jerron Horton, another one of my best pals. What's up, man? Forever. Just finished writing season one of I'm Dying Up Here on Showtime. This fucking guy wrote a big fucking big kid show. It is. So fucking cool. Hey big fucking big kid show. It is.

Hey, watch that shit so we get a season two. I saw him dying up here. I've been preaching about it for weeks. Literally, I mean, it moved me. I'm so excited to watch all the other episodes. Carmichael Show is by far my favorite show that NBC has had on its network

for fucking decades. And your mom. Your mom loves the show, too. Yeah. Everybody loves the Carmichael show. Yo mama. Yo mama loves the Carmichael show. And it's also available on Netflix, which I think is fucking awesome. So here we are.

I'm here with two of my funniest pals, Brian Redband. We ready to do this shit? Let's bring up the band. I love my band. I'm convinced that I... I sound a little Trumpian when I talk about them, but I'm convinced I have the best band. I love my band. I'm convinced that I sound a little Trumpian when I talk about them, but I'm convinced I have the best band. I think my band's

better than any other band. It's the Kill Tony band, ladies and gentlemen. It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. Motherfucking Joelberg. They do different characters every week, and they commit to them. You never know what they're going to come out as and what the characters are going to be.

Oh. Oh, shit. Is this Harry Potter? Of course it is. Wow. Oh, look at this. They've made Jeremiah disappear. There's no Jeremiah.

Josh. Josh Martin. Can I get a whiskey? Can I get a Jameson and gingeroso? Clearly in Harry Potter attire. I'm loving it. This is fucking awesome. One more time for the great Pat Reagan and

Joel Jimenez. They're here with us. Woo! I am immediately intrigued with the wizardry that's going to be happening over there tonight. One of my favorite things in the world. So the band is in place. The guests are here. Red Band is the soundboard.

Ryan J is drawing. Everything is ready to rock. I have a bucket with over fucking a ton of names tonight. A lot of people. Put your hands together for all these crazy comedians. And sometimes it's a normal human being that we meet for 60 seconds, and then you're just a guest on a podcast after that. It's pretty fucking awesome.

So much so that we're the number one live podcast in the world. A podcast? Sounds like magic. So you know how it works. I pull your name out, you perform for 60 seconds you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. We can barely hear that little baby kitten.

What does that sound like, Brian? There you go. All right. That means wrap it up then, Earl. Sure going to bring up the angry West Hollywood bear. All right. Okay, okay, okay. So.

You got a zoo of sound bites over there. A zoo of sound bites. A zoo of sound bites. You got a zoo of sound bites over there. A zoo of sound bites? A zoo of sound bites. You got a zoo. I'm sorry. That's how I pronounce zoo. My bad. Why do you have to say that like an 80-year-old black man?

Because on the inside, I'm an 80-year-old black man. Is that true? Yeah, that's why I write for a show that takes place in the 70s on Showtime at 10 p.m. every Sunday. Yeah.

Yeah. 70s on Showtime at 10pm every Sunday. Yeah. So let's fucking do this shit. You guys ready to start the show? All the pieces are in place. We have more fun on Mondays than anybody else in the world.

And it goes a little something like this. Your first comedian performing 60 Seconds tonight goes by the name of Gallet Levi. Here we go. Gallet. Hi. I've never been here before.

Hey. Hi. I've never been here before. Let's take the mic and talk. What's up, fuckers? Hey, y'all. I'm from Baltimore. My name's Galit. People always fuck up my name, like you.

I've gotten Delete, which is, like, weird. That's like saying, oh, I was gonna name the kid Abortion, but let's just call it Delete. I've gotten deletes, which is like weird. That's like saying, oh, I was gonna name the kid Abortion, but let's just call it Delete. I've gotten Gillette, the best a man can get. What? All right, when I got married, my best friend from Baltimore was like,

girl, you better let your man eat it like it's groceries, or else some other hoe will. I was like, really? Okay. I went home like, so shmenkele, you want to eat my tuchus? He was like, ugh, people do that? Is it kosher? Ugh, I just had dairy blintzes for breakfast. I'm not so sure the two would mix. Maybe we should call our rabbi. I was like, yeah, call the rabbi. Oh, could you get his wife's matzo ball recipe, please?

Mmm, so good. Alright, I'm Galit Levy. There you go! Galit, you are one of the funniest little boys I've ever met in my entire life. Lunel said that I'm the female version of you. Wait, wait, wait.

You have to wait until the people are done cracking up at the jokes that I say. I know you're not used to that type of having to wait for laughter thing, but you have to listen for it. Galit, where are you from? Baltimore. How long have you been in L.A.? About ten years. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Eight years. Now, I've met you before. We've done a show or two together, I think, up here, and you're a clown, right? Yeah. You do that as a job, right? Kind of, yeah.

How long have you been a clown for? A long time. Oh, Lordy. Just got to pause it before going back to the thing. It's so funny. How'd you get into the clown? Sorry, guys. My vagina makes noises.

I apologize. How long have you been in the clown? I already asked that. How'd you get into that? I had a clown teacher from Ringling Brothers Clown College at School for the Arts in Baltimore City where Tupac and Jada Pinkett went. Tupac went to clown college?

All eyes on me. Tuhonk Shakur. Tuhonk Shakur. He had a pair of giant red Nikes on. Did he get shot with one of those those waters that shoot I don't know. Flowers?

Those waters that shoot flowers. That would be funny. A? Flowers that shoot water. Those waters that shoot flower. Okay. All right. Yeah. That would be funny. A gangster clown that has like a gold pistol that shoots water and stuff. Drive by. I thought she was good. My favorite.

Oh, wait. What part is this? What are you going into? I thought we were like showing love to the comics on a minute right alright I'm just saying well I didn't get a chance to say my fucking joke I think Jerron just decided he wants to fuck her right in front of us everybody

did you guys just notice that all at once I enjoyed the twerking that was my favorite part did you? it was cool it was like a surprise it's better than like the rest of the set but did you laugh at the twerking it was entertaining though is better than the rest of the set. But did you laugh at the twerking? Oh, Willie. It was entertaining, though.

Yeah. Willie's just jealous because I twerk better than he does. That's true. First of all, I don't think that's true. I saw Willie win a dance competition a few days ago. I twerk pretty hard. Yes.

What do you do for fun, Galit? What do I do for fun? Yeah, when you're not doing stand-up or being a clown. Fucking smoke weed. Do you ever scare kids on purpose being a clown? No. Do you ever do scary things? No.

Scariest thing you've ever done in your clown costume? Do you ever have sex in it? No, but I clown. That uh is a yes. So whatever she says after that's a lie. Do you like tie dicks into like animals and shit? Accio Boner! You've never seen this show before?

You seemed really like shocked when you were up here. You've never seen this? You've never been up here? I watched you guys online, but... Oh. Yeah. I haven't been on stage. And I had my brand new retainer in my mouth in the back.

And I wasn't ready for you guys. I've never factored that into the bucket pool. Retainer time? What if someone is on retainer time and I pull their name out of the bucket? Yeah, I was like, oh, shit. Oh, that's so gross. Yeah.

So you're saying your boyfriend or your husband won't go down on you. That was the point of the joke, right? Eat the booty like groceries, he won't do that? Yeah, that he didn't do that. He'd never done it. You brought it up, and he said no. Yeah. You brought up eating the booty?

Well, that's what I was told to do. Do you have a grotesque labia? Wait a second. No, that's a different topic. I read that. You can't just start. Oh, Brian. Hermione.

Gleet, in your 10 years of doing stand-up comedy, how much time do you think you've acquired? A lot of time. That's an interesting answer. I can see why I don't know who you are after you've been doing it for 10 years. Very nondescriptive answer. Want to nail it a little bit more?

I just performed with Michael Blackson in D.C. I featured for him. I performed with Lunel. That's not what I asked. I said, how much time do you think you have? I put. I featured for him. I performed with Lunel. That's not what I asked. I said, how much time do you think you have? I don't log it. What do you have? Like a little fucking Fitbit for stand-up comedy?

You've never heard of this before? That's how you do stand-up comedy. I've been doing stand-up a long time. I do a lot of urban rooms. Me too. That's still a different question. Yeah, that's where the clown college is. I roasted the dog shit out of Michael Blackson

on the Snoop roast. You should see it. I said that I met him in hair and makeup and they were rubbing a charcoal briquette against his face. You have to see Michael Blackson and how hard he laughed. You guilty white idiots. Lunel loved

doing the roast and when I performed with her, she said, I remind her of you. Really? You guilty white idiots. Lunel loved you in The Roast, and when I performed with her, she said I remind her of you. Really? She said I'm the female version of you. You are maybe an even more male version of me, if you ask me. Galit Levi, there she goes, everybody.

She's on Twitter at Galit Levi Comedy. It's more of a diss on me than you. Are you happy? I agree. There she goes. Galit Levi, everybody. That's what I would be like if I was like if I like did yoga or something like that. If I was just a little more feminine

that would be me. I can't believe I missed Quidditch practice for this. Alright. I pulled another believe I missed Quidditch practice for this. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys get it now. Put your hands together for Chris Drulios. Oh, right from the middle. I have this friend who, he tries to be funny,

but he always comes off as immature. Like, he's the type of guy who will walk in my room and just grab a random object, and he'll be like, what is this, dude, your butt plug? And I'm like, nah, man, that's a pen. I'm like, we could try, though. I gotta weird him out, because because he asks a stupid question he's gonna get a stupid answer

same guy walks into my room and he grabs my laptop stand and it's kind of a contraption like it folds out into a laptop stand and he's like what is this? a sex toy? and I'm like yeah I put my laptop on it and watch porn

speaking of porn Tinder's cool. I'm always freaked out after a Tinder rendezvous. Like, I get home and I'm always like, did I get something? And the other day I was sitting on the toilet going through symptoms that I thought I had. other day I was sitting on the toilet going through symptoms that I thought I had and I came across mono and I was like I think I got mono and and just as I thought that I looked I dropped a log and I was like is that wait wait wait Chris hold on wait a minute hold on let's slow it down a little bit gosh Hermione all right finish it You dropped a log Are you talking about pooping, by the way?

Alright, go ahead Finish it Wait, wait, wait The snake is out Hold on a second Hold on, wait It's a little bit mad The tensions are high

Okay Whoa, whoa It's okay I speak Parseltongue Patty motherfucking Reagan Bad chat available it's okay. I speak parcel tongue. Patty motherfucking Reagan. Bad chat available on iTunes. Chris, finish that joke.

So you drop in the log and... Yeah, so I was sitting on the toilet and I was on my phone going through like HelloMD or just some medical website thinking like, oh, do I got mono? And just as I thought that, I dropped the log

and I was like... How many times did you drop that log? Shut up, I thought that, I dropped a log, and I was like... How many times did you drop that log? Shut up, man. You're not allowed to yell, you piece of shit. Hey, somebody tell fucking Mumford's Bray Wyatt-looking nephew here with the beard. Beard. Shut up. All right, start over from before.

I want to hear the drop the log part again. Start from before the drop the log part. All right, so I was sitting on the toilet, and I was going through the symptoms that I thought I had, and I was like, I think I got mono. And just as I thought that, I dropped the log, and I looked down, and I was like, is that a monologue? Monologue?

Oh! Yay! I was like, is that a monologue? Wow. Look at that. What the fuck happened? It was worth it. He killed it. He turned it all around at the end. I'm so glad we asked worth it. He killed it. It was worth it. He turned it all around at the end. I'm so glad we asked for it.

It was like when the DJ is playing your favorite song but then just takes it back a little bit, lets it play for a little bit. Oh, my God. Wow. Chris, so you came out of the second row. I'm guessing how long have you been? What's your stand-up career look like? First time, right? First time.

Wow! Wow, give it up for her. What a feeling. That's amazing. That's amazing. That's the car engine one, right? Amazing. What's that one?

It's so stupid. Oh, Lord. All right, Chris, this is your first time doing stand-up. You brought it all around in the end. Honestly, it's a pretty stupid joke that we all laughed really hard at. It's not as great as we all, any of us, really think it is. But it was so dumb that it was perfect.

But that's fucking awesome. Let me guess, you're a Marine, you're from San Diego. Not at all. Not at all. What's your back story? Back story is I've been... Where are you from, Chris?

I'm from La Habra. Which is like, if you're going to Brea, it's the city right before that. So right by the Brea Comedy. Boing, crap. I'm always fascinated by when do they come up with their jokes did you come up with that joke

while sitting on the toilet I legitimately thought that and laughed to myself what do you do for work I work in the logistics department I'm the manager it's kind of boring it's just where what are you managing yeah it's boring uh it's a tech startup and i'm like in

charge of the shipping and receiving of all the product that we ship in party time pretty boring what's the most exciting thing that uh you're into like what do you do for fun what's a chris drool Am I saying Droolius? Droolius, yeah. Wow, that's an interesting last name. Did they make fun of you for that last name when you were a kid? So, the drool part? My P.E. teacher did once. Hey, what's up, Droolius?

Exactly. Orange Droolius. Was he inside you? No. Brian! He did it again again what'd I do you have a girlfriend Chris no girlfriend you listen to the show sometimes

all the time since day one wow that's so cool so you've wanted to do stand up for a while pretty much and I've never had the balls to until today how old are you 29 working logistics or did you stand up for a while? Pretty much, and I've never had the balls to until today. How old are you?

29. That's awesome, man. 29, working logistics. How long have you been plotting this for? Is this your first time ever signing? Since you started the show, I've always been at home watching it. And this is your first time signing up? Yeah.

Wow. Were you going to say something else there? I cut you off. Yeah, after the show was over, I just got into a depression because I'm like, I should be doing that. I just never do. Well, look at you now, man.

I mean, when you go back, I mean, as a guy that's listening, I've also, believe it or not, listened to this show since episode one. And that was, I mean, you had a really, for a first, I had a feeling your first time, or sometimes we get that, when they come out of one of the first, like, you know, three or four rows, it's almost usually like that, but

for a while, I even thought that maybe you'd been doing it longer. That's an interesting thing. I could hear it in your voice, your nervousness. That's the only thing that, you know, you take that away, you know, it's gonna take a couple mics, you know. Yeah, I think you nailed it with the sound bite because when you started playing the snake thing, I actually keep snakes. So I don't know if it was like a... Lead with that, dude. Fuck.

He keeps them. Where do you keep them? Dumbledore, what happened to your voice? Trow's a snake. And your beard. Hey, you know, I had the beard, but it's hot out here for a wizard. It was fucking hot.

And I didn't get to do my first joke, but I had a magic wand. Ah, because he's Mexican. Thank you, Tony. All right, back to this guy. You keep snakes. Go ahead. All right. Where do you keep the snakes, Chris?

How many snakes do you have? Between my cheeks. I have 11 snakes. You have what? 11 snakes. 11? How many girls do you have? Between my cheeks. I have 11 snakes. You have what? 11 snakes. 11? How many girls do you have? How many girlfriends do you not have?

No girlfriends. I just Tinder it. He's Tinder. He's been fucking on Tinder. Is that true? Yeah, I fuck. How often? Man Give us a description of like what

One of your last great Tinder dates How that looked She kind of catfished me but I just went with it You sure she didn't Oh my god She kind of catfished me, but I just went with it. You sure she didn't? Oh, my God. That's one of the greatest things I've ever heard in my life. Yeah.

You didn't throw her back. You didn't throw the catfish back. That's one of the most amazingly honest, beautiful answers I've ever heard on this show, by the way. She kind of catfished me, but I went with it. That means this chick wasn't what he was expecting at all, but he's like, all right, I guess we're just drinking more than I was going to. Let's fucking commit. Did she have a snake also?

No, she didn't. When you fuck these girls, do you bring them back to your place where all the snakes are at? I do, yeah. On my Tinder profile... Do you call your house the pit? No.

I mean, on my Tinder profile, I have pictures of me with my snakes, so they know what they're getting into. Wow. Oh, my God. I mean, okay. So like this last Tinder date, like what do you do? You've met her.

The one where she's sort of catfished you. Let's take it step by step. When he saw her, he was a bit rattled. Nice. That's Joel Berg. That's right. If you guys want to do it all at once, it'll be better next time.

So, Chris, let's go through it. Did she message you? You messaged her? How does that work for you? Did you slither into her DMs? She actually woke me up. It was, like, midnight, and she sent me a message, and she was just like, what are you doing?

And it actually woke me up, and I was, like, sleeping. And she was like, can are you doing? And it actually woke me up, and I was like, sleeping. And she was like, can I come over? And I was like, I mean, I'm kind of tired, so unless you just want to, like, literally sleep with me. And then she was like, how about we just cuddle? And I was like, sure. Yeah. Anytime a girl hits you up first, she's a catfish.

That's just how it is. That's the rule. If a girl's texting you, she's not who she says she is. I'm concerned about this catfish. Does she not look like her profile at all? No, she's really good with angles as far as the face goes. Oh, damn.

Damn. I've seen that before. She was a sneaky cat. So, can you tell us what you were expecting? Like can you give a description of the girl that she sort of looked like via her angles? She looked like – If you could describe it via a celebrity that we might recognize.

Not really a celebrity, but just like a hot, like half black, half Asian looking girl. So like, you know, you've never seen – you don't know any celebrities that are sort of like that? That we might recognize? Black China? Not really, no. Was she really half black, half Asian? No, that's like a unicorn. She actually was Hawaiian. Oh!

Wait a second, wait a second. You mean you thought she was Hawaiian. It turned out she was Samoan. Yeah. Yes! That's what, that's a fucking, that's the old.

She looked like a can of spam. That's the old Pacific Island catfish that you got. Yeah. That's a specific, that's only in season. But he,

he mahi-mahied him. He rolled with it though, that was pretty cool. So when you first saw her, what was your initial reaction? I was like, she's probably gonna be good in bed, so.

No. Yeah. You are, honey. Was she a lot bigger than you thought she was going to be? She sent me a picture of her working out, but it was from the waist down. She had thin... She looked thin from the waist down. What was she doing? Calf raises?

You got calf fished. All I saw was face and waist down, but she had kind of a gut, but it was all right. So you took her to the Slytherin common room? She was good with angles, but then she just looked like Kurt Angle. Wrestling.

So you get her back to your... What happens? You guys go straight to bed. Kurt Angle. Wrestling. So, all right. So you get her back to your, what happens? You guys go straight to bed. I mean, you were very direct with this lady. By the way, I would have a feeling that if some chick hit me up randomly on one of those things in the middle of the night, and I was sleeping, and my answer was sleeping, and her next thing was, can I come over a stranger? I would guess that she's homeless, too. Yeah.

Because that's, like, aggressive. Yeah, did she smell? She didn't smell, but the weird part was I waited outside for my house. I waited outside my house for her. Like prom? And when she got dropped off, I heard the Uber driver say... It was an earthquake?

I heard the Uber driver say, don't I get a goodnight kiss or something? And I saw her do that. So I was like... Are you sure he was an Uber driver? I don't know. It might have been a friend or something, but I was like... I was like, that's weird, but alright.

So Pim, what did she steal from you? Tell us what she did. Did she get out of the... When she got out of this Uber, was she getting out of the passenger seat? No, she actually... She left a lay at my house, though. Oh, God, that's her calling card.

That's her calling card. Sorry, I had to get my boa for the snake guy. You got laid. You got laid, man. Fuck it. You did it, man. Man. All right. So let's get back to it.

So now she gets out of the car. You're waiting outside. Then what happens? The waiting outside, by the way, is a smart thing, Chris. You still had a chance to save yourself. Because with the outside thing, it gives you the sidewalk option of she could walk up and be like, are you Chris? And you'd be like, no, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. You're much bigger than I thought you were.

I mean, I'm not Chris. So I know what he's thinking with the outside thing, right? Because you don't want her coming straight to the door because then you're definitely Chris. Can you show me and Tony a picture? No, I deleted her. I ghosted her. Does she look like Rikishi?

Do you remember her name? Kenesha. Kenesha? Kenesha don't live here no more. Wait, wait. Forget it. We don't need to know her name. The sad part doesn't matter. She gets back to your bedroom.

Is there anything in between that way? She was Hawaiian named Kenesha. I was like, well, you came here to cuddle, so let's lay down and then just... Yeah, straight to the good shit. And then what? Were you the big spoon or the little spoon? He's the little spoon. Look at that

butt. Jerron Horton nailing it with a million dollar question right there. You little spoon motherfucker It was weird I tried to spoon her But I think she was kind of self conscious She's like you're constricting me What do you

Joel Burke That's dope I tried to spoon her and then right away she shifted and she's like, let's do another cuddle position. Alright. So the next thing you know what? You just start making out with her?

Did you put on snake charming music? To set the mood? Did you lube up with snake oil? Did you have sex? Yeah. I just grabbed her butt and then... I grabbed her butt. All the way back to...

Remember when you got laid as a kid? Well, I just grabbed her butt, didn't we? And went from there. So you grab her butt keep going what else is that it and then she like I didn't really want to but she started making out with me how was her breath was her breath okay

her breath was alright keep going I mean it's just gonna turn sexual yeah we know it's gonna turn sexual we want it to turn sexual you're killing it. You're way in overtime right now. Don't make it not worth my while, Chris.

Let's go. Then what happened? I turned her over and I... Oh! Oh! You turned her over and you what, Chris? Don't you give up on me now, you son of a bitch. No, no, no.

You didn't turn her over. You rolled her over. And then what'd you do? I put it inside her. I don't know. I think he's lying. I'm calling bullshit now. Nah, this sounds too real to me.

I swear. Any butt stuff? I touched her there and I was like you cool with that? And she's like yeah I've done that before. Her butthole or her cheeks? How soon did you go for the butt? I didn't put my dick on her but I touched it with my finger.

Her butthole or her cheeks? Her butthole. You thought he was talking about putting his finger on her butt cheek? I don't know. Tell me at least you covered up your wand first. Did you? Did you use a little wand?

We found out where the monologue joke came from. That's awesome, man. So you had a little fun. You had a little great time. Did she leave afterwards? She stayed until the morning and I told her I had to help my dad clean the garage. The old I have to help my dad.

When the old I have 11 snakes just isn't enough. Did I tell you I have 11 snakes? Goodbye. She probably felt like you catfished her if she found out about the snakes. All right, Chris, you've been one of our most fun interviews

in forever. 17 minutes you took out of all of our lives. Congratulations. Red Red, Tony, I'm a huge fan. Thank you. There he goes, Chris Julius. He's on Twitter at ChrisDComic. He's listened to every episode

since episode one. He sort of just got to live some fucking cool half-dream right there, probably. One more time for Chris, everybody. Come on. Alright. You guys having fun? You want to meet somebody else? Let's do this shit. Wow. We know

this guy. He's been pulled out of the bucket multiple times. He's considered an instant legend on this show. Put your hands together for Mystery Dan. Thank you. Thank you. So I'm driving down the freeway the other day, and I'm running kind of late, and I look ahead, and I see this message board is all lit up, and I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, another fucking traffic jam.

Thank God it was only an Amber Alert. You know, I can understand Amber Alerts for stranger abductions, but I just don't understand these parental abduction things. Those are just custody cases. The kid isn't in any danger. It's just daddy paying mommy back for not trying anal. But I'm not totally heartless, though. I was walking down the street the other day.

I saw this poster on a telephone pole of this cute little girl holding a little doggie. And I look and I see there's all these other pictures, but they're of the damn dog. Turns out it's the dog that's missing, not the kid. I mean, for a second there, I almost cared. Later on, I saw a dog that fit the description, but I didn't report it because I figured it might involve anal sex. Anyway, thank you very much. Mystery Dan, you are one of the scariest looking human beings I've ever seen in my entire life.

You're so frightening looking and you come and you try to make people laugh. And we're all just wondering what you keep in your dark closet or something like that the entire time. Yes, Joel Jimenez. Well, you said he was an instant legend, but he looks more like instant oatmeal. I don't appreciate him trying to out wizard us either. Alright. It looks like he

rents a room in the house of a thousand corpses. Do you write books or anything? No. I just write comedy these days. When? He looks like these Hollywood hills have eyes. These west

Hollywood hills have eyes. Now, Mystery Dan, you are openly, you've been on the show a few times, you are openly and outgoingly gay. He's a muggle? You just had Pride Week, right? Yes. Pride on, dude.

Did you do anything fun for Pride Week? No, nothing in particular. Did you eat anyone fun for Pride Week? No, I just did my normal routines. Go over to a guy with 11 snakes house. Give him the 12th. Joel Burke.

Joel Burke. Joel Burke. Mystery Dan, what do you mean by your routine? Like there must be something interesting that you did this week, a little out of the ordinary or something like that? Well, I did hang around West Hollywood longer than I normally do. What did you do?

I just hung around and just talked to people. That's all I ever do. Mr. Edan, why are you growling at me like that? Mr. Edan, do you always growl like that? No, that's... I think... I think... I think my wand's broken, Tony.

I keep trying to turn him back into Josh Martin, but it won't work. Oh my... Whoa! That's incredible. That actually worked. The real Josh Martin. Mystery, Dan.

So how's the stand-up comedy been going? How long you been doing this now? About eight months. About eight months. Yes. How's it going? Fantastic. I've got a book spot.

You're almost ready for delivery. I've got a book spot at the Ice House on July 2nd And I'm a new member of the Ding Dong Show Oh The longest running show in comedy stories Oh You know, they always say that you write about what you know, right? That's what you write about what you know, right? That's what you do.

You write about what you know. And you've never touched any kids, have you? No. You've looked at them, though, haven't you? No. What are you doing with your hand in your pocket right now? Playing pool. Do you ever go to a playground?

No. Do you ever go near? I feel like he has a bunch of kids tied up in his basement. He doesn't need to go to a playground. Do you ever go near... I feel like he has a bunch of kids tied up in his basement. He doesn't need to go to a playground. Do you ever go near playgrounds? No. This is not a trial. Hold on, wait a second.

Not a trial at all. Have you ever driven past a playground? Is there a reason why you don't allow yourself to go near playgrounds? It's court ordered. Well, I have no reason to go to playgrounds. It's against Megan's law for him to go. Not when there's so much good kiddie porn on the dark web. Are you ever anywhere where you do see kids?

The Metro. The Metro. My window. Young Metro, Young Metro, Young Metro. Everybody knows if Young Metro don't trust you, I'm going to shoot you. Young. Beautiful morning. Yeah.

Mystery Dan. Wow. That's a fucking. You would scare. The reason why I ask is because you would have scared the shit out of me if I was a kid and I saw you. You do know that you look like the bad guy from Poltergeist. Like they made a character A couple decades ago

Scary as fuck Right They got to use their imaginations To make the scariest character possible And they made it look just like you And you are just rocking it That's by choice Or he could be a good guy like that old man in Home Alone

Oh my god, yes. There you go. Here we are being cynical and he's really just a hero. William is so fucking funny. He left his ice shovel outside. He's the one that saves me when I get attacked from somebody else. It was me all along. Tony, have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and gone,

Aha! Mystery Dan, Mystery Dan, what's your ideal man? I like them young, smart, well-mannered. Something that is non-existent these days. Wow. Looks like you're not going to be home alone any longer, my friend. This went from... This went from home alone

to homo alone real quick. We're never alone, Tony. Jules keeps getting more and more Mexican as the episode goes on. For those of you paying attention, with the wizard hat and the beard, he could have been a white guy, but as it goes on, I feel like...

Alright, mystery Dan. Well, we've talked to you a bunch of times before. We know everything about you. We've made every single fucking roast joke that we possibly can. So let's keep it moving, shall we? Okay. There he goes, Mystery Dan. Back to the bucket

we go. You guys having fun out there? Let's meet another soul. The name I just pulled out of the bucket says Ahmed Dakil. What up? So I'm an Arab. I don't know if you can tell from these Alibaba jeans. Well, I'm not really an A-Rab.

I'm more of a B-Rab or a C-Rab. I like Americans. I'm like a big fan of Ariana Grande. Too soon, too soon. Well, I guess it's too late for Aleppo. Yeah. Yeah, well, yeah, like, I'm not really a, I'm, like, not very Arab, I guess. I do like, I mean, I don't have Arab money. I'm broke as fuck. I drive a Ford Fiesta. It's not very pimp. It's not very baller. But I did live in Dubai. I lived in Dubai

for a few years. It was pretty gnarly. A lot of hookers out there. You would be kind of shocked. Yeah, I ran into one once. I was like, she kept asking me, hey, you got coke? You got coke? I was like, damn, man. She's like straight, pretty forward right here. I was like, yeah, yeah, let's go.

You know what I mean? And she's like, I got coke, coke. And I think she was trying to say, because all of them are from different countries. I think she was trying to say, do you have any coke? Coke. So I just shoved my dick in her nose. It worked. I guess it counts if it works.

It's an interesting crowd. We have like a wild patch over here. Yeah. It's like Red Band's cronies over here or something like that. Like a bunch of dirty fucks. They just went crazy over dick in the nose. Olive Garden.

You say you're Arab. Why do I feel like you're an Italian guy from Jersey playing a character, though? Well, Tony, I was going to... A whitewashed Arab. He's like a genie that came from a Pier 1 import's lamp. Terrible Deliveroso. Ahmed, how long have you been doing stand-up? It's my first time.

Whoa! That makes sense. I have some career advice. Talk into the mic. Yes, I should. I should. Ahmed, how old are you? 32. Today's my birthday. Happy birthday.

Don't frown. I said, you look great. Brown, don't frown. True, true, true. What do you do for work, Ahmed? I was a baking consultant. A baking consultant? What have you been baking?

Baklava? Baklava? Baklava, yeah. Homos, lots of falafel. Really? No, I'm just kidding. But I was a baking consultant in Dubai, yeah. So you have a lot of pressure cookers for a good reason. Definitely.

What were you baking? I didn't really get a clear... A banking consultant. Banking? Yeah. Oh, banking. I thought you said baking. I would have asked a different question. I was very confused. No, not a banking consultant. Banking. Yeah. Oh, banking. I thought you said baking. I would have asked a different question.

I'm very confused. No, not a banking consultant. A banking consultant. Like Gringotts. You can't just leave an N out of a word sometimes. Hey, I'm Arab, man. I'm Arab. We leave words out sometimes.

So a banking consultant in Dubai seems like a pretty good job, no? It's a suit and tie type of job. And I was born out here so and i worked on set prior to that so like it was very difficult for me to make that just what did you work what set did you work i used to work in the film industry what what so what sets did you work on i was working with a production company we made commercials it was really fun i did photography and wait you went from yeah this this this went from awesome to bad real quick you just said you made movies and i asked what movies.

It wasn't movies. Oh, you were on set. Yeah, I was on set, yeah. And then you said photography. I did set photography as well. On what, though? On what productions? Like we did a Nissan Super Bowl commercial,

like Match.com, stuff like that. Any Camel cigarette ads? Jesus. Wah, wah, wah. Yeah. stuff like that. Any camel cigarette ads? Jesus. Womp, womp, womp. Yeah. Dumbledore. So how long have you lived in L.A.? I was born out here.

I moved back a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago. How long were you in Dubai? I was in Dubai. I was based out of there. I was on and off based out of there for the last three years. And I just saved up some money and moved to Mexico for four months.

What did you do in Mexico for four months? Blend in. Si, si. Joburg. Joburg. Joburg. Joburg. Si, si.

What did you do in Mexico for four months? I did photography and ate octopus tacos. Octopus tacos? That's it? What's the hookers in Dubai like? I think he made a lot. Plentiful.

I thought Dubai wasn't the place you can even hug in public. So that's the paradox about being out there. And actually I could probably get in trouble for talking about it. Because you're super even hug it in public. So that's the paradox about being out there. And actually, I'd probably get in trouble for talking about it because you're super intense about it. How do you check out a girl who's wearing a whole sheet? You have to talk into that end part of that mic.

Make sure it's a low thread count. Dubai is not like that. Dubai is super, super liberal, and women dress very, very liberal. What do you mean when you say liberal? I don't even know. Is that what you mean by slutty? Or what do you mean liberal?

What is liberal in Dubai? That's the PCA. Be a little bit more descriptive. Women dress buckly in Dubai. They dress like Bernie Sanders? More like Ariana Grande. So liberal. They dress like Ariana Grande. I just made that joke. All right. Stop saying Ariana Grande. So liberal. I just made that joke.

Stop saying Ariana Grande. That's not a way to make the white people like you. Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande. It's like hate me Beetlejuice. You keep talking about Ariana Grande. Have you ever thought about joining ISIS? I think that's a different

place they wouldn't accept me they would probably like they had my ass you look like you got kicked out of ISIS for having too much swag and shit

true story true story like you're like you're trying to teach them how to dougie or something actually like a funny story is

I went to Libya and I got detained there by a militia like that was last year. What was that like? Be a little, yeah. What were you taking a selfie? I was taking photographs there.

Yeah. Really? Yep. And you got detained? Yeah. What was that? That was pretty intense. It was like the first day I got there and I was doing photography.

They also do it in tents. Literally in tents. I have a lot of nervous habits. Like my first time up here. I haven't been in front of this many people before. No, no, you're fine. What did you just say? I have a lot of nervous habits.

Talk into the fucking microphone. You're driving me crazy. It's like the most important thing of this whole thing. Got it, got it. You got detained and then what? What is that? They make you sit in a cement room? What is it? Libya is scary as fuck, for those of you.

I can tell there's some ignorant fucks out there. There's some gnarly. So I want to make sure that you're all caught up with your education and whatnot. Libya is super fucked up, man. I knew it was fucked up as soon as I landed. We were waiting for our bags, and a kid came out of the baggage carousel with a fucking Beretta in his hip. He was like 15. I was like, that's not my bag.

This shit's fucked up. I shouldn't have came here. And then literally the first day, I'm like, I'm going to go take photographs. I asked my cousins, hey, is it cool to photograph? Do you see how you're talking with your hand and into the mic and all this stuff and how you just got a laugh? Do you see that? Cool, cool.

Thank you guys. Thanks for showing guys. Thanks for showing love. Thanks for showing love. I love it. You're just gonna soak it in that once, but not really take the note overall. Give a man a fish. I apologize, Tony. You are fucking awesome, man.

Wait, really? Do you listen to the show from Dubai? Absolutely, man. I'm a huge fan of yours, man. They allow this show in Dubai? They fucking... It's illegal. I can get two years for it.

They don't allow this show in Dubai. The most illegal live podcast. But I know how much of a fan of Ioannis and Jacob you are. I brought that up to you once. Where? Out here. Oh, you were here. Yeah, yeah. Cool. What happened in Libya? So, back to Libya. The first day I went out to photograph um i saw an

atm a decrepit atm it was like spurting out oil and i was like dude this is like a perfect yeah uh this is this is explaining the entire country like the oil money fucked up place so i photographed it yeah and a militia man's like hey what the fuck you doing i was like oh shit and he had an ak and he grabbed me and he fucking just took me with him. Luckily, my cousin saw it. He was, like, not that far from the area which I got detained at. The guy grabbed me. They handcuffed me.

They interrogated me. They put, like, guns in my face, and they were like, what the fuck are you doing? Who are you? My Arabic is kind of broken because I grew up out here. Can you give us an example of what you sound like when you're begging for your life? Oh, my God. It's Ariana Grande. It sounded like.

What is that that you just said? It sounded like I love Ariana Grande. I said, I swear to God, I'm not from America. I'll join you guys right now. I'm not from America. I'll join you guys right now. I'm with you guys. I'm with you guys. Let's cut some heads off, man. You told them that you're with them?

I'm like, let's cut some heads off. I'm totally down. What did you really say, Ahmed? No, I'm just kidding. I was like, no, man, I'm sorry. I'm just a photographer. I'm not a journalist. I'm not a spy.

And that's what that sounds like? Say it one more time in your language. Arabic's intense, man. I don't know. I love Star Wars. Fuck yeah. Say it one more time. Oh, shit. Wait, I thought you were telling us more about the story, Ahmed. Did you just... Oh, fuck. Oh, wait, I thought you were telling us more about the story, Ahmed. Did you just...

Oh, fuck. Oh, wait a second. Wow. Oh no. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh my gosh. You may have been wondering. It seems as though we've been missing one wizard all along.

Make some noise for the great Jeremiah Watkins! I didn't realize Harry Potter had a gay magician. Hello, Tony. Snape. Hello, Tony. Snoop. Ahmed, do you know who that is? He's one of your band members. Very good. I'm a genius.

You answer that like I'm about to detain you, Ahmed. I mean, you got a fucking sword, so. Just like a stupid muggle to respond. Wow. So, Ahmed, did they take your camera? Did you get it back? They didn't. They didn't delete all my photos, but I got my camera back.

Any other parts of being detained in which you want to share with us? Was there anything else? Oh, not really. Did they kiss you on the lips or us? Was there anything else? Oh, not really. Did they kiss you on the lips or anything? Scariest part. Scariest part to you. The scariest part was my mom told me not to go, and she didn't know I was in the country.

So immediately you're like, if I die here, my mom's going to be so pissed. She told me not to go. Yeah, definitely. It sucks. Can you say one more phrase of Arabic? Yeah She told me not to go. Yeah, definitely. It sucks. Can you say one more phrase of Arabic? Yeah, say happy birthday in Arabic. Yeah.

Can you sing happy birthday in Arabic? I can, I can. Try it. Sa na hil wa... Expelliarmus! I kill you! Can I be sincere really quickly? I just want to be sincere.

I think all this stuff about your life is really interesting. I don't think you need the Ariana Grande stuff. At all. When you talk about yourself, it's like I want to listen to you. It's really great. I appreciate it, man. No doubt about it. When you were actually just talking to us, like how you talk with your natural movements and everything,

it was much more comfortable. I appreciate it. And the stuff that you can talk about is funnier than the stuff that is the too soon and that we've heard and those references. Yeah, yeah. I get it. Yeah, it's a little hacky for sure. There you go. Good for your first time, man.

Thank you. I appreciate it, man. I'm a huge fan of you, Redman. Rhino pills. Seven. From the other side of the world and back, Ahmed DeKil gets his first time ever doing stand-up live in front of you people. That's what it's like. All right.

Go back to the bucket. Well, this new wizard is giving me one intense stare. I don't even know how to handle this. You are focused. Did I say something that you didn't like? You are wanted as a subject to serve the Dark Lord. He looks like Edward Scissorhands. Parseltown I have no idea what he's doing

but it's so funny It's Corey Feldman He looks like Michael Jackson Courtney Cox Trent Reznor. Quit while you're ahead, young boy. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here.

Put your hands together for Calvin Edwards. Oh, there's no Calvin Edwards. All right. Calvin Edwards. All right. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Hank Northrop. Hank?

Is there a Hank? Hank? Hank? Is there a Hank? No Hank. No movement. Put your hands together for Jihan Sabir. What's up? Every time I meet new people, they always look at my big, beautiful eyes. And I hate that shit, because my tits are down here.

Like, I didn't spend two hours finding the perfect shirt and bra combo for you to look in my eyes what I'm saying is buy me a drink I'm poor thank you you guys I'm a nanny and I decided that it's my duty

to make my kids the wokest kids on the block so I only teach them facts about historical black figures in America so in their world white people have contributed nothing I got my four year old he's wearing suits and bow ties selling bean pies and papers on the playground you know my seven year old she's like she's in class she's like excuse me sister but this

very oppression of the body of the body which brings life into this world is a very slap in the face of my ancestors who fought and died for it and the teacher's like me I already

said you could go to the bathroom like Jihan Sabir for it. And the teacher's like, Mia already said he could go to the bathroom. Jihan Sabir. You've been on this show before, right? Yeah. We learned something really great about her last time in Pat Reagan. Oh, really?

Oh, did we? Was it great? Oh. I do remember that. Jeremiah? She has had sex with he who shall not be named. I'm gonna try, baby. Oh, my God.

Sometimes it physically hurts. Ow! I think I tore a fucking ab muscle or something. Imagine how I feel. You know what I mean? Oh my god. Do you ever sometimes think about

that night with Pat? You ever reflect on it? Um, no. Not anymore. Oh, jeez. Wow. What's up? What do you guys think about that? Can you picture Pat making love to this guy? Oh, it was actually Pat.

Oh, shit. Hell yeah. I can picture that, yeah. How was he? He was alright, yeah. Oh, shit. Did you take a ride on his Nimbus 2000? How did this happen?

He wasn't your first white guy either. Do you have a blackpeoplesmeet.com? Yeah, he's on Black Planet. He wasn't your first white guy, though, right? Of course not. Why do you say of course not? What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Willie? I feel like you have a good personality.

You can get any guy you want. Oh! Wow! Whoa! That was a nice save. Did we just watch Willie convert to white right then? Did you just join the white team?

Look, I'm just trying to say black women need to be fucking white men. I've been on this whole diatribe for a couple years. I've heard of jumping ship before. I'm trying to get you white guys laid by this black pussy, man. That's what I'm trying to do. Willie Hunter is a Gryffindor in the streets and a Slytherin in the sheets. Who is it that's bringing out the money?

I love you so much. Jeremiah motherfucking Watkins. Unstoppable force. Getting more powerful every week by the way if you're a fan of comedy please it's unbelievable alright Jihan have you been with a white guy since then?

no it's like they say once you go white Have you been with a white guy since then? No. It's like they say, once you go white, you go back to black. Yes! What do you do for a living, Jihan? I'm a nanny. Oh, that's right. Is this a rich white family? Of course.

Where do they live in? And Jewish. Hollywood, here. Hollywood. In the hills. Have kids sometimes assholes to you? My kids? No. Of course. Where are they living? And Jewish. Hollywood, here. Hollywood. In the hills. Hmm. Hmm. Kids sometimes assholes to you?

My kids? No. Other people's kids? Definitely. I like one time I volunteer babysat for their neighbors, and the little boy was like, Ew, you're brown. That means you're made out of poo. Oh.

Fuck. Yes. I never wanted to slap a little blonde child so much in my life that's worse than the N word how did you respond to that what am I going to do I can't go to jail

you should have beat his ass I was weighing it though I was like how much time will I get for like being this kid how old is he like 2 two or three, though? The kid's probably like innocent. No, he's like five. If you were wearing that scarf when he said that, you should have beat his ass.

I was not wearing the scarf. But I did have afro. Kids say the darnest things. No, my kids are cool. Like, I don't know. Because they came from New York and they had black nannies before. I have friends that are nannies. So they know how to talk down to them? You said so they're that are nannies. So they know how to talk down to them?

You said so they're not assholes? No, so they know how to talk down to them? No, so they don't ask race questions. Okay. I have friends that are a lot of nannies too. How are the parents? Do you travel with them? No.

Do they treat you right? Yes. Does the husband make any moves on you or anything? I wish. Just around? Oh, you're into the husband a little bit? Oh, shit. From Patty Reagan to Daddy Reagan.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. No, they're really good to me. They actually just got me a new car like a month ago. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Do they have nanny cams that you know of? I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. No, they're really good to me. They actually just got me a new car like a month ago. Wow. Wow. Yeah.

Do they have nanny cams that you know of? No. Is it a company car? Like you got to give it back after? Yeah, if I don't work for them anymore. It's a lease. So I just turn it back in. But I'm good. That's what's up, though.

That's cool. That's cool. Right. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up and when you're not nannying? What's like a hobby? Do you have a nightlife thing that you like to do sometimes? Do you practice black girl magic? Oh, that was great.

That's a great joke. Answer the question. Snipe. I don't know. Severus. I feel like I'm boring. I don't know. Severus. I feel like, I don't know. I feel like I'm boring. Like, I really only do comedy and...

There must be something that you do once in a while or lately or something that happened out of the ordinary. She takes off a head wrap to reveal Voldemort. Oh. Oh, fuck that one up. Try again later. Oh! Shit. Fuck that one up. Try again later. Oh! I would like to offer you a position in the Slytherin household.

I did have this weird encounter with a guy the other night. Yeah, tell us more. Wait a second. Did you say you were Hawaiian? And then... Wait, is that a callback? I don't know. I was in the back room. I can't hear shit. I'm sorry.

Technically, it's a callback. Oh, okay. So tell us about this with this guy. What happened? I was walking to my friend's apartment at night and thanks for that. And this dude was following me. He stalked me, basically.

He followed me a few blocks. I went to my friend's apartment, but she wasn't there, so I was waiting for her, and he came up this dark driveway with this giant gym bag. And every light went out on the street, and it was Hagrid, and he said, you're a wizard,

Harriet. Harriet Potter? Harriet Potter? Harriet Potter? The guy came up with the duffel bag, and then what happened? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait. I have a question.

What? So you say he comes up the driveway. Did you go up the driveway already? Yeah, I was. I had already went up the driveway. How many paces ahead of this guy were you? Like a good 20. 20 steps. But how long was of this guy were you? Like a good 20. 20 steps.

But how long was he 20 steps behind you? How long was your walk from where you were coming from? How long was he behind you? It wasn't that long, but I think he stopped along the way. Because I looked back and he wasn't there. And I was like, cool, he's not following me. He's just walking in the same general direction. And then this nigga came up the fucking driveway out of the darkness.

And I only saw his big ass eyes and I'm like can I help you with something? Can I get your number? That was it? That was it? That's pretty cool. Yeah, that's what he said and I was like no because you're stalking me and I'm not really into that. A letdown

to this very long tail. Sorry. Did you give him your number? Hell no. No? No. What if you wrote down his number, and he took it,

and he put it in the gym bag, and you just saw it was a bunch of other numbers in the gym bag? All right, anyway. He's collecting numbers. He was mad afterwards, though, because I was at the gate, and he walked back by me, and he was on the phone.

He was like, yeah, you can boost it. He was pissed. He was really mad. But he did not rape me, and I was great for that. That's good. He's like, what? That's good. At least he has a friend that he can call.

Right. Someone that actually gave him their number. Jihan, it was nice to meet you again there she goes Jihan Sabir Jihan Jihan Jihan well let's do something fun we're going to go back to the bucket in just

a second we have a regular that does a spot every single week that does not come out of the bucket but is an absolute fucking machine that writes and performs a brand new minute every single week live on this show to hundreds and hundreds of thousands of comedy absorbers

around the world. Comedy absorbers. Yes. Comedy absorbers. Put your hands together for her. You know her. You love her. It's the great Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. I used to practice my handwriting in middle school. All of the pretty girls had really nice handwriting, and I wanted to be pretty,

so I thought I had to change my handwriting, and the rest would just somehow happen. I don't know why I wasn't writing guys notes like, hey, do you like me? Nothing like that. And I don't think anyone would appreciate a nicely written suicide note. No one's going to look at that and be like,

wow, such a loss. But look at that penmanship. wow, such a loss. But look at that penmanship. I'm not into kinky stuff. Sometimes I'll tell guys that I'm really into role-playing, but it's just for stuff that I need. I had a guy come over and I was like,

hey, I hope you're cool with this. I really like role-playing. He's like, yeah, whatever you want. I was like, okay, you're my chiropractor. And I need an adjustment. Boom. Allie Makovsky. Fun. Funny.

Is that based in a true place? No. Perfect. It's based in a place of, I gotta get a new minute. Yeah, totally. And another very, very, very impressive one. Another one with solid stuff, yes. This is the best Malfoy has ever looked.

Now we have the same cadence. Exactly. Allie, what else is going on in life? Another minute of fun material. What else? I'm still on Accutane. Polyjuice potion. Which pretty much clears my skin, but it dries out my body.

What the fuck is that? I think it was his mouth watering. Oh, that's the grossest thing, please. There's nothing hot about dry skin. What's wrong with you people over here? One more time. Is that your fucking coach over there? Hey, Jeffrey. Where are you doing?

Coach Slurp? That's a weird section. Is this a new thing that's happening? Red Band's cronies over on this dirty wall over here? Hey, talk about a pussy. Come on, Brian. Ask her if she ever farted in her hand and smelled it.

You like breakfast in bed? There's a weird fucking red man crew over here. Yeah, redheads. The redheads. Accutane. So, you mean when you say dry out, are we talking...

Well, I just have to use Like a lot of moisturizer On my face But pretty much Oh you mean your face Your skin looks good Thank you It's getting there

But my lips have been So chapped And I'll just like Peel off What's so funny He's wearing an eye zi The imperial curse Eye zi He's wearing an eyes-eye robe. The imperial curse. Eyes-eye, he's wearing an eyes-eye robe.

I'm not even getting to the funny part. What the fuck are you laughing at, Joelberg? She said her lips and... Oh, yeah. I can't help because last... All right, moving on. Okay. You need to put on an invisibility cloak.

Ali. Ali. Yeah. What drug are you on? Accibility cloak. Allie. Allie. Yeah. What drug are you on? Accutane. Expelliarmus! Okay. The rest of this isn't going to be funny.

Now you guys just know that I have dry skin. No, it is funny. Go on, Allie. Go on. Tell us the rest. So now my lips are chapped and they're just peeling and I'm just tearing off. And you drop the log and then what? Monologue.

Monologue. Monologue. Monologue. So you're peeling it off the lips. Peeling skin off the lips. Walking the mile. Walking the mile. And then what happens?

Well, it's all ruined now, but I peel off the dead skin and I just think this is the old me. Right, guys? I love this. I love that she has a short haircut. I was just about to ask you guys. How long has she had it? This has been like a month now.

You were blonde for the first, I think, a few weeks, right? Yeah, I haven't had time to bleach it. I was listening to Eminem on the way over here, and I secretly was hoping someone would think that I was Eminem driving a Subaru. Do you ever peel the skin off your lips and then hold it out the window and drop it and think you gotta

lose yourself in that moment. You better never let it go. You only get one shot, which is the name of my Netflix special, by the way, One Shot, available on Netflix. When is she, like, so it's been month, so that means you've cut it again.

Sure. I keep cutting it. Do you go to a black barbershop? Black barbershop. That's exactly what I was going to ask. Because I know one. I was going to, but then my friend cuts hair, so it's like cheap. You just need a razor.

That's all you need. A $14 razor. I know, but I like to support my friend. You should get a lineup. You need a lineup. You need a lineup. No. No. So when I first got it cut, I did one on the side and then two on top.

You look like G.I. Jane. You need a haircut. But it grows so fast, so I feel like I just keep having to get it cut. Yeah. Welcome. Yeah. No. It's not easy being a guy.

I just like to see where it goes. It's true. It's not easy being a guy. I just like to see where it goes. It's true. It's not. It's hard work. It's not easy being a girl who looks like a guy. Wizard? What? You ever think about cutting your hair?

Never. It is part of who I am. Red Ben. He looks like Wednesday Adams with a makeover. Looks like Monday Adams. Monday Adams. All right, Ali Makovsky with another new minute. There she goes. He's not the cure.

He's the antidote. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime. Alright, you guys want to go to the bucket one more time and then close this fucker out, huh? I think you guys might be able to do better than that. You want to go to the bucket one more time and then end the show?

Jesus Christ. It's like fucking pulling teeth out here. All right. This looks like a new name. Let's see what happens. Put your hands together for Carlos Feliciano. Donald Trump. That's a joke right there.

All right. Thank you. Do you know how hard it is to explain to people when you're Latino that you're not Mexican in LA? You know how hard that is? I'm Puerto Rican. That's exactly the same reaction I get everywhere I go because I'm usually the only one. You know how hard it is to be Latino? I can't dance.

I'm a lousy lover, but I will stab you. All right? All right, thank you. Thank you for that. Bad jokes. All right, continuing on. I'm 35 yearsousy lover, but I will stab you. All right? All right, thank you. Thank you for that. Bad jokes. All right, continuing on. I'm 35 years old. I just turned 35 last week.

Thank you for that. And I got my first dick pic. That was interesting. I wasn't asking for that. I was asking more for money and a girlfriend, but I got a dick pic. So I decided to go with that. So I knew that it was a mistake the moment I got the dick pic, but I embraced it. I said, thank you, universe, for this.

But I texted the person back. I said, dad, this text is meant for mom. Thanks. All right. Let's continue this charades. Yes, exactly. Exactly what you said. Exactly.

Wow. There you go. Carlos Feliciano. Wow, there you go. Carlos Feliciano. First time doing stand-up, right? No. Oh, okay.

No, no. No, I felt it. He's been doing it for a while. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Tony. How long have you been doing it? It's okay. Six months.

Six months. Yes. Can I say I do not know what it is like to be Latino, and I do not care. I don't think that's Latino drums. Carlos, this is interesting. So six months, you're 35 now, and you don't look a day over 62, which is really cool. What do you do for a living?

Uber driver, and I also am an AV tech. AV tech. Yes, I work in conferences. Part-time, de-mental. Yes, part-time. What kind of car are you driving on the Uber? Kia Soul 2015. Expelliarmus.

Awesome. What's your Uber driver rating? 4.8. Why do I feel like it's a 4.7, but he's rounding up right now? Am I right? 4.8. 4.8 sharp? Do you know what you did wrong for this point?

No, I don't know. You sort of know, though. Yeah, right? Did you talk too much? No, actually, I got a thing that says excellent conversation. You get an Uber, you get... Anybody who would leave excellent conversation at all, ever, leaves it for everybody. Oh, okay.

Anybody who would leave that comment leaves it for everybody. Have you had someone vomit in your car? No. Have you ever hooked up with somebody? Are you leasing your car for Uber? Yes, you have. Have you hooked up with somebody? Are you leasing your car? Yes, you have. Have you hooked up with a passenger? No, I haven't hooked up with a passenger, but I was called in one day.

I was called the N-word and a Jew all in the same day. Hell yeah. It was the first week of me moving out here. Can you tell us the context? They think you're a drinker. Hold on, wait a minute, guys. Can you give us the context in which you were called the N-word? This girl was drunk pretty much. I picked her up, and she was being obnoxious and she wanted

me to take her like four different places and I said, I'm only going to take you to your destination and she kept on just rambling obscenities to me. Can you say some of the obscenities? The N-word, that's one of the obscenities. What N-word are you talking about? Can you say the word?

You can't say the word. Can you use it in a Ninja. Can you use it in a sentence? Can you spell it? Can you spell the N-word? Can you tell me the origin

of the word? It rhymes with tiger. Tiger? Yes. He called you a niger? Nigeria. It rhymes with tiger. Carlos.

I don't think you got caught. I don't think your career as a songwriter is going to make it, Carlos. Was she a white lady? Yes, she was a white lady. Bellatrix Lestrade. A tiger.

That rhymes with tiger. What else did she call you? Any other obscenities? No, no, no. Instead of telling us the obscenities, can you just rhyme with them them like tiger tiger okay what was another one thing she called you shite shit shithead you said bike? Yes, she called me a bike. Did she call you a blunt? A blunt, yes.

Wow, she did? She crossed a... She called me a... Did she call you a jipper head? Maybe. Did she call you a whiny, sick, wittle... Tees... Glove...

Red pad! Red pad! Hermione! Hermione, not now. I'm 30% through. Alright, that's it. Wow, Carlos. So, I mean, what changed in your life six months ago that you decided to start doing this to yourself?

I just was going to come... I moved out of here, didn't have nothing to do, so I wanted to meet people, so I just was going to come. I moved out of here. Didn't have nothing to do. So I wanted to meet people. So I just started just going up to open mics. Did your accent just get a lot thicker

all of a sudden? Yeah, it did. I like it. I like it. Your parents are still in Puerto Rico? Yes, between Puerto Rico and Florida.

You ever go back and visit? Yes, I do. But they want to live in America. They want to live in America. They want to live in America. Yeah? Yeah.

What do they do? They're retired. My dad's ex-Navy. They're retarded? Navy? Yeah. And the Puerto Rican Navy? No, the U.S. Navy.

Very good. I always thought Puerto Ricans were good at lovemaking. I thought that was a stereotype of Puerto Ricans. Is that wrong? No, domestic violence. Puerto Ricans have sex with all their clothes on. They just slip it in and fuck. Out of all the Latin ethnicities,

they are just the most to not give a fuck. They're just about the fucking part, I do believe. This is from my own self-taught analysis. They're like, pull the panties to the side type of fucking. Where Mexican women feel like they have to get naked because they need to be made love to. Oh my God, that's hilarious.

I lost everybody on that. Okay, very good. Red band section. They have a point. They always keep the do-rag on too. They keep a do-rag. Oh, boy. Well, we're all just fizzling out here at the end.

There goes Carlos Feliciano, ladies and gentlemen. Hilarious. I'd like to give a special shout-out to a couple of my favorite people in the world that are here right now. If you know me and my comedy background at all, you know one of my favorite things of all time is jackass. And I'd like to give a big shout out to Rick Kozik and Wee Man up there. Badass motherfuckers. We got to get you up here sometime, Wee Man. Will you come do the show sometime?

Me. Oh, wow. That's... Wee Man really knows how to work a live crowd with a hard maybe to close the show. Thanks, Wee Man. Wow. I blow him all the way up

for nothing. Maybe. I don't know. We love you, buddy. We love you too, Rick Kozik, as always. Guys, we made it through Kill Tony episode 200 something Jaron Horton every Sunday night at 10pm

you can watch the show that he wrote and he's on crossing the streams it's I'm dying up here it's my new favorite show on Showtime the Carmichael show on NBC is motherfucking Willie Hunter and it's on Netflix now Wednesday nights every Wednesday night atael Show on NBC is motherfucking Willie Hunter, and it's on Netflix now. Wednesday nights.

Every Wednesday night at 9 p.m. on NBC. The drawing from Ryan Chaiba while you sat there like lazy asses. Look what he did. Connect four. Why do I look depressed? Follow Jerron Horton at Jerron Horton. Willie Hunter at Willie Hunter, right? Yes.

Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. He's on Twitter, Jeremiah Watkins. What Hunter, right? Yes. Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. He's on Twitter, Jeremiah Watkins. What else, Jeremiah? At JeremiahStandUp on social media, and I'll be on the Monster Energy Drink Tour with Tony Hinchcliffe. Yes.

Yes, Jeremiah's going to be on a lot of the dates with me for the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour. Wait a second, wait a second. Something from Wee Man. I take it back. I will be on a lot of the dates with me for the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour. Wait a second, wait a second. Something from Wee Man. I take it back. I will be on the show. Oh! Pat Reagan's comedy album, Bad Chad, is available on all outlets.

Bad Chad. I love Pat Reagan's music. He's on all social media outlets. And Patty Reagan. And, yes? Accio Dead Parents. Oh, no! The great Joel Jimenez is on Twitter at Mostly Sorry.

Reach out to me. I love it. I love you guys. Thanks for coming. And Josh Martin Comic. That's the episode, everybody. There you go. Kill Tony. See you guys. I love it. I love you guys. Thanks for coming. And Josh Martin Comic. That's the episode, everybody. There you go. Kill Tony. See you guys. We did it.

Goodbye. The Ding Dong Show. Who's gonna tell you when It's too late Who's gonna tell you things Aren't so great You can't Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.