KILL TONY - KILL TONY #217
Episode Date: June 23, 2017Natasha Leggero, Moshe Kasher, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 06/19/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastc...hoices.com/adchoices
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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.TV.
There you have all the video portions of all the podcasts we do.
You have all the different podcasts we do, including the Death Squad Chronicles.
And you also have tour dates.
Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world-famous comedy store,
we're always going on the road, including this weekend.
We're going to be at Skank Fest in New York City.
Too bad it's sold out. but you might be able to get tickets
at the door if you really wanted to.
Also, next month is going
to be a huge month. Not only
am I going to New York City,
but July 7th and 8th
I'll be in Alaska
with Kate Quigley. You can get tickets
at brownpapertickets.com
That's July 7th and 8th at Coots.
And that's the place that we'll be at.
Also, Death Squad Toronto.
That's July 27th.
That's me, Ian Edwards, Sam Tripoli, and Dean Del Rey
at the Queen Elizabeth Theater.
Go to deathsquad.tv and click on Tour Dates.
Also, shopsquad.tv is the official merchandise
of the Death Squad universe.
There you have all the hats and T-shirts and all the good shit.
And we've got some new stuff coming very, very soon.
Huge surprise.
So keep your eye out at ShopSquad.TV.
Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist.
He draws every episode.
He drew the Kill Tony posters.
You can get all that at ryanjebout.com.
And last but not least, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, The Golden Pony.
He's doing a lot of different shows, doing Monster Energy Drink tour.
So he has a whole bunch of new dates.
So go to tonyhinchcliffe.com.
All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the famous Comedy Store main room.
Here's Tony Hinchcliffe.
For a new episode of Kill Tony, here's Tony Hinchcliffe.
Hello, live audience.
How are you?
Oh, boy.
Am I excited about tonight?
Are you guys excited about tonight?
You're at the number one live podcast in the world.
All right. Cool.
I'm excited about this.
The great Brian Redband is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, everyone.
We're excited about things. We have a lot of fun
stuff coming up. I'm doing the Monster Energy
Outbreak Tour all across the United States of America.
That is everywhere.
Featuring for me on most of those dates, the great Jeremiah Watkins,
who has a brand-new T-shirt out at jeremiahwatkins.com.
This is mine.
Breaking news.
I just got this just before the show.
This is my official shirt.
You can get yours at jeremiahwatkins.com.
I know everybody wants one.
He is fucking brilliant. Yeah. Ryan J.E. Belteremiahwalkins.com. I know everybody wants one. He is fucking brilliant.
Yeah. Ryan J.E. Belt.
Ryan J.E. Belt is here. You're doing Toronto
with Sam Tripoli, Ian Edwards, and Dean Del Rey.
Yeah. It's going to be great. It's the end
of July. Also going to Alaska the 7th
and 8th. And we're going to New York
this weekend. Yes, we are. We're doing the first
ever Kill Tony
live in New York City at
Skank Fest.
I guess that counts for a yodel.
The great Ryan J. E. Belt
is here drawing tonight's episode.
He drew the official Kill Tony poster.
You can get that at ryanjebelt.com. Oh, it's over
there. We're shooting 360
degrees tonight, courtesy of our friend
Kiel Yulberg and friends.
Kiel is here.
Lots of cameras going. Hello to everybody
on Ustream and everywhere else.
Comedians, you guys ready?
Comedians are ready? Audience,
are you ready? Well, then let's meet
tonight's guests. If you're a fan of the show,
you've seen these two do it before. Last time
they were on, it was
one of our favorite road episodes ever,
San Francisco. They're back again
right before kicking off the honeymoon tour. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great
Moshe Kesher and Natasha Leggero. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It takes two of us. Yeah, yeah.
The great Moshe Kesher.
The powerful destroyer, Natasha Leggero.
Welcome, welcome, welcome back.
Thanks, Tony. How are you doing?
Great to be here.
Natasha, we always love having you. Moshe, you're in the middle of problematic right now.
We're done with the season one.
We have taped all of our episodes.
You've taped your episodes.
Yeah, thank you.
Season finale is?
It already happened.
Oh, okie dokie.
Go back and watch it.
I can tell you did, Tony.
Thank you for your support.
Oh, boy.
But I'm excited for your guys' Hollywood tour kicking off July 19th.
Yeah, the honeymoon tour kicks off July 19th.
We start in New Orleans
and we're going all over the place.
Miami, Atlanta, Boston,
Philadelphia, New York, Montreal.
Chicago and Milwaukee.
Oh, yeah.
Sweet, sweet Milwaukee.
I'm excited that you guys are back.
Last time you were on
was San Francisco.
We had so much fun.
We even had part of the band
in San Francisco.
You guys like the funniest
comedy band in the world?
I know I do.
Here they are.
It's the Kill Tony Band.
In full effect, Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Berg.
Joel Jimenez.
Every week they do different characters.
You never know what it's going to be.
They try to commit to it throughout the episode.
It's the Kill Tony band.
Wow.
That's a very visual joke for a podcast.
Their mechanics
tonight it appears.
I do believe just regular car mechanics.
Wait, the band just dances to songs
that are hits?
Do they use the instruments ever?
Yeah, they do eventually.
That's their big intro.
Put your hands together for your mechanics.
It's the Kill Tony band.
Fixing the mic stand with that wrench.
It's really working.
Hey, look, Josh Martin's playing guitar tonight, it appears.
I'm going to rock out with my cock out.
Oh, wow.
There he is, Josh Martin right there, everybody, the real mythical creature.
You've heard of him numerous times.
Band, how you guys doing?
You been fixing cars or something?
You guys mechanics or...
To the listener at home, there's some funny shit happening on stage right now.
There's a wrench and what appears to be
a poor Mario and Luigi.
Hey, how's it going, Tony?
Mechanics, am I right?
Am I getting that right?
Oh, you're right, all right.
Oh, it's Josh Adam Myers.
It's the goddamn comedy jam.
Hey, y'all.
How's everybody doing tonight?
You guys good?
What's going on?
Joel Berg, looking good back there.
How are you?
Ready to go?
Happy to be here, Tony.
You sound like you normally do.
No character switch there.
Okie dokie.
Yeah, that's cool.
They were like, all like Alright here's the concept
We come out as mechanics
Two of us will do
An unbelievably bad
New York accent
And Joe Berg
You just
Use your regular voice
Do your regular thing
Yeah
Okay Moshe
Kesha
That's right Moshe
Alright
Everything is in its place
Are you ready to start the show?
You guys know how it works.
This bucket right here is filled with the names of comedians.
Sometimes it's people starting out for the first time.
Sometimes it's completely insane people that just sign up for random things out front on the patio.
If your name gets pulled out of the bucket, you signed up, and I call your name.
You come up here, you do 60 seconds
of trying to entertain us.
You know your time's up
when you hear the sound of a kitty.
That's 60 seconds.
Wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out
the angry West Hollywood bear.
There it is.
There it was.
There were so many animals in that.
You ready to start the show or what?
Your first comedian
performing in uninterrupted
60 seconds tonight
goes by the name of Miranda Lenski.
Here we go.
And it has begun.
Being a theater major makes role-playing in the bedroom
a little more work than play, I should say.
Whenever my boyfriend wants to role-play, I'm like,
of course, baby.
Did you do your vocal warm-ups like I taught you?
Let's do them now.
Sally sells seashells down by the seashore.
Very good.
Diction.
Sally sells sex down by the seashore.
Again, really need you to project for me.
Sally doesn't have a father down by the seashore.
I play the role of Sally.
I like to give notes after a performance.
I'm always like, babe, I really need you more on your character study.
Like, why do you think your character wants to punish and spank and choke and spit on my character?
The audience really needs to see that.
Also, you were stage left that last line.
I won't repeat myself again.
Remember the blocking?
Or I'll call in the understudy.
Thank you.
Wow.
There you go.
One minute for Miranda Lenski.
You have all the punchlines of a theater major.
I would say save it for the stage, but oi.
How long have you been doing stand-up, Miranda?
About a year and a half.
This music follows you around everywhere you go.
Everywhere I go, and the red carpet.
Thank you.
All in L.A.?
No, I just moved here from Florida.
That music doesn't play in Florida.
They don't have that music Hey I got a question Miranda
You drive a car?
Yes
Can I
Can I look under the hood?
Yes
No further questions
This show has become something different
From the last time I was here
It's not
It's not
It's mainly a sound effects and character work show.
I would like to say that
I thought Miranda had very good presence
and also she was very confident
and I saw her really making an effort
to connect with the crowd.
I would like to say I didn't enjoy your set.
Yeah, I don't know. No, I'm kidding.
It's just a he said, she said.
It's a classic. No,
I'm just kidding. It just was the time for me to say
that I didn't. I mean, I genuinely didn't,
but also, no, I did.
You just moved here from Florida. How long have you been here?
Three months. Three months.
You live by yourself?
No, I live with,
I've been on the show one time, so I feel like I'm
repeating a lot. It's okay.
Nobody remembers. Yeah, no one
remembers.
My parents listen. Yeah, no one remembers. My parents
listen. Yeah, I live with four other
boys. We all moved out here from Florida. We went to college
together. We do sketch, improv, and
stand-up. I would try to
have the subject matter go beyond
that, though, like sketch and
theater, right? Yeah. What do you do
for a living? Right now, I'm
serving. I'm working at a restaurant.
Who are you serving at?
Central Grill.
Oh, I love Central Grill.
No, I do.
I used to fuck with Eastern and Western Grill,
but now I'm right down the middle.
I like it.
Where is Central Grill?
It's in Glendale.
It's right between the hood and the axle of the car.
If you look straight down the middle,
that's where the axle of the car. If you look straight down the middle, that's where the center grill is.
This is why Jeremiah Watkins
is Jeremiah Watkins.
Somehow is able to make a genuine mechanic joke.
You're fucking freaky, dude.
Central grill.
I actually like the first joke.
I thought the first joke was good where it was I play the role of what was it?
Sally?
Yeah.
I mean, that was technically a funny joke.
Technically.
Thank you.
I'll take it.
It's a technical.
It was, you know.
But I thought maybe the father thing, you know, there was I wanted it should have been
darker maybe, you know, raped by her father.
Were you raped by your father?
You're from Florida.
I'll take that as a yes.
What's it like living with four guys?
Now you've been in it for three months.
They're all from Florida, too.
You're living with four male Floridians.
What's the deal with that?
What's the face-to-eaten ratio?
I was going to say, it's a lot of sex.
No, it's awesome.
They're some of my best friends.
We all met in college.
We all made this plan years ago to move out here.
And become stand-up comedians?
I'm actually, I think out of all of them,
I'm the one who's, that's probably more my priority,
sketch and improv and, yeah,
just like collaborating, being together.
The orgies.
Stand-up's not that collaborative, though.
Are you ready to?
No, well, that's actually
something that I like about it, is that you don't have to
count on other people, and it's kind of like if you just
want to go do stand-up, you can just go do
stand-up.
You can do it any time of the night. I think you really
could have used the help of your friends
up here tonight.
But it's good that you're doing that. You get up a lot?
Are you taking it seriously?
Yeah, I'm trying to.
It's hard figuring out.
It's like a lot of trial and error figuring out what mics are, like,
going to be worth it, the track.
Is there something that surprises you about L.A.?
You've been here for three months.
You're a newbie, but you're right there.
You've been here long enough to where you sort of absorbed it a little bit.
Is there something that surprises you?
Is it different than you thought it would be?
Yeah.
In what way?
Is there something that surprises you?
Is it different than you thought it would be?
Yeah.
In what way?
I feel like it's not the mics.
The talent here I thought was I was going to be like blown.
There's a lot of hacks.
I'll say that.
There's garbage comedians.
Primarily garbage.
I love it.
You're already hating on other comedians.
And you just did a punchline-less 60 seconds.
He's like, well, I'm really surprised how much all these people suck.
Well, you don't know what comedy's like in Florida.
Maybe that's what comedy is.
Like, I come to L.A., it's like all these
set-up, punchline, set-up, punchline.
I'm like, uh-uh, I'm here for comedy.
Let's talk the theater.
I thought the Sam thing was a punchline.
The what? I'm sorry.
I got you.
I'm just busting your chops.
Spark plugs.
So that's for real though? The thing that you're surprised about
is how bad the comedians are here?
They're not bad. It's just like I've been here
and I've seen people get up who have never done it before.
And I'm just like, what are you doing?
What are you saying?
When you're out at those mics,
when it comes to this week,
we had an interesting, you know,
Eliza Schlesinger situation.
Now, you're out there on the actual open mic scene.
Do you notice that a lot of women
are talking about their pussies a lot?
I'd say the ratio. Do you have a World War II
joke? No.
Not yet. It's in the works.
It's in my book. No, I think the ratio is about
the same for men who talk about
their dicks. Do you have a pussy joke? See, the thing
about me is I talk about my dick
and other women's pussies. That's the thing
that I do. Do you have a pussy
joke? Not many. That's a thing that I do. Do you have a pussy joke?
Not like that's out.
That's not one I can think of. Do you have a pussy one-act play?
The fuck is this?
You have a lot of vagina jokes, though, not pussy jokes.
I have a period joke. I said my period one last time.
Well, that's a vagina joke.
Okay, then yes.
It's the same as pussy, you just don't call it a pussy.
I feel like my vagina jokes are tasteful.
It's a period piece.
It's a period piece, yes.
Thank you.
Well, Miranda, you did 60 seconds, and we talked to you about that,
and that's how this show goes.
Anything else?
Can I?
Oh, me, me, can I?
What is it?
I just want to, my boyfriend and I, who, he lives in Florida, he also does stand-up,
we just watched clips from your honeymoon tour,
and I was just telling him, I was like,
oh, I hope I get on tonight, and I can see them.
Oh, I like you.
Oh, that's hot.
Turns out I think you're great.
Did you know about either Moshe or me
when you lived in Florida?
Yes, yeah.
My boyfriend read your book, and then I borrowed it,
but I haven't read it yet.
That's cool. And you moved to LA. That's the last part. I then I borrowed it, but I haven't read it yet. That's cool.
And you moved to L.A.
I mean, you'll have plenty of time to read it at those open mics
where you're getting bored by the other comedians in the back,
like, this guy's a real comic.
Well, there she goes, Miranda Lenski, everybody.
She's on Twitter at Miranda Lenski, L-E-N-S-K-Y.
And that is how it motherfucking
goes. I can't believe Jeremiah can play saxophone.
He's really talented.
Jeremiah, are you surprised
that Natasha's surprised?
Not at all.
I pulled another name out of the bucket. It's been a long
time since we've had this guy on this stage.
Put your hands together for Brett Banta.
Tony.
Tony.
Tony.
Tony.
He had to go.
Hey, Tony.
Tony.
He had to go.
What?
He apologized before the show to me.
I did not deliver the message.
Now I'm the bad guy.
Now I'm the bad guy.
I wasted everybody's time, okay? I apologize.
I might have
messed up here.
I like that you delivered that in character, though.
That was cool.
Man, you're really throwing a wrench into our show, Jeremiah.
I pulled yet another
name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for
Johnny C.
From deep in the back.
So, my parents are still together?
I know.
My parents have actually been together since my mom was 12.
Aw, cute.
My dad's the only man my mom's ever even kissed.
Aw, soulmates.
My parents have been together since my mom was 12 and my dad was 18.
Aw, molester.
My dad's been child molesting my mom for 47 years.
It's the longest case in history.
Continues to this day with no investigation.
My mom was 15 when she got pregnant with me.
15's too young.
Even MTV thinks 15 is too young.
15 and pregnant?
What are we, fucking psychopaths?
The day I was conceived, my mom rode her bike home.
Wow, Johnny C.
Wow.
I don't remember much about your last sign,
but I remember it not going that well.
Am I correct?
I mean, that was better.
Yeah, that was definitely better.
How many pit bulls do you own?
That's rude.
Tony, that's rude.
That's rude.
When did you first learn to do a fade, though?
Seriously.
Do you set a trombone down while you get the tattoo?
Yeah, why do you look like you're part of the mechanic band?
Johnny C., remind me, what do you do for work?
You know what?
I got reminded that I should not speak about what I do for work.
Oh, he's a cherry-popping daddy.
That's right.
Actually, your father was a cherry-popping daddy, I think.
That's right.
You got reminded by what?
You're definitely not a lawyer?
Yeah, exactly.
I work for a friend of mine.
What?
He's a friend of ours, I guess.
Oh, you work for a friend of yours. Yeah, I work for a rich guy ours. He's a friend of ours, I guess. Oh, you worked for a friend of yours.
Yeah, I worked for a rich guy.
Wait, so what happened?
When did your parents tell you that,
and which parent told you that they were the, you know,
that it was inappropriate?
Well, as soon as I could do math, I figured it out.
So last week?
Oh, really?
Is that the mean one?
Yeah, exactly.
Thank you.
I appreciate it. Guy covered in tattoos. Is that who you go to Yeah, exactly. Thank you. I appreciate it.
Guy covered in tattoos.
Is that who you go to to figure out your 20% of your bill, you fuckheads?
All right.
Johnny C.
Well, it's weird because it's not that many years apart, so it is kind of a hard.
But it's a big.
100% now, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.
No, it definitely does.
100% seem like a.
No, no, I mean them now.
No, they're both in their 60s.
Oh, them now, for sure.
It's not that big of a deal. Yeah, it shrinks in their 60s. Oh, them now, for sure.
It shrinks as you get older. Wait, he's how old?
Yeah, the statute...
Yeah.
Think about being 18 years old and you're dating
a 12-year-old. Think about how fucking lucky
an 18-year-old you are.
That's super tight,
pussy.
My mom was also 5'9 with giant boobs when she was 12.
That's a cool mom.
Well, that's what, yeah.
She told my dad she was 16.
She's a Mexican girl.
What do you have to do?
How long before your dad stuck his thing in a tailpipe?
You know what I'm saying, people?
Do you happen to know?
Did your dad ever buttfuck your mom?
I don't know that for sure.
I assume so. They've been together for
47 years. How do you think he was conceived?
I don't think that's how
babies are made, Mechanic Jeremiah.
No, when you're young, they're kind of
fused fully, so you can do it that way.
Now, John,
I see
that
you have the name John
on one hand of Knuckles and
Terry on the other. Are you still with Terry?
It's my parents' names. Are you still
with them, though? Yeah, I'm still with them.
So do you use John or Terry?
Oh, yeah, that's cool.
No, when he's written off to gay porn,
it's John. And when it's gay porn,
it's Terry. And when it's gay porn, it's Terry. When it's transgender porn, it's Bob.
Now he's going to think that.
That thought has never crossed my mind, honestly.
Jesus Christ.
Terry likes to go in the butt once in a while, right?
Yeah, for sure.
Man, you have a tattoo on the fucking palm of your hand.
What is that?
That's a rose.
That sucked.
Why?
Which one hurt the most?
The palm?
It's not even, there's not even a comparison.
Why did you do that?
Because it looks cool as fuck.
Yeah, it looks cool.
Also, you can give somebody a high five and give them a tattoo.
Ah, I didn't know that's how it worked.
John, are you?
I think you have a really good look, and I think that you had some good jokes. I didn't know that's how it worked. John, are you... I think you have a really good look,
and I think that you had some good jokes.
I didn't love the first one.
It felt like... Because it felt like you could have made that joke a little better.
Quite economical.
Yeah, like I think everyone wanted it to be really great,
and then people were a little let down.
Does that mean?
I think when Natasha's...
Are we supposed to just be being rude or what's happening?
No, you're killing it. You're doing great.
Because I feel like I want to help people
but also...
I feel like I want to fuck a 12-year-old. That's my primary
takeaway from this set.
Johnny, do you have a girlfriend right now?
I do not. Well, why is that?
What happened?
They don't make them young as they used to.
I moved.
I'm from here and I moved for a few years.
To where?
I moved to Minnesota.
But they don't have girlfriends.
No, no.
And then I came back.
How long have you been back?
Just over two years.
You been on any dates lately or anything like that?
You know what?
No.
Why?
I don't know. That's a. Why? I don't know.
That's a good question.
I don't know.
Last date you went on?
The last date I went on, god damn it.
This girl, she hypnotized me.
It was a girl that I met that I knew was trouble, and I said, I want nothing to do with you.
Where'd you meet her at?
At work.
Just hot as fuck and covered in tattoos.
You're into chicks that are covered in tattoos?
No, I hate them.
I hate girls with tattoos.
How many years have you been in AA?
None.
I still, I'm not there yet.
So you saw this chick covered in tattoos,
and you're like, I don't want to fuck her.
Go away, please.
So then what happened?
We worked together, and eventually she just wore me down.
With that job you won't tell us about? No, before
that. What was that job? I worked at
a dispensary. Stop fixing
the mic stand. There's nothing left to
fix. I don't know what you're twisting.
No, it's okay.
Jeremiah's got this.
Thank you, Jeremiah. Now it's good.
So what happened?
I was working at a dispensary.
Oh.
And so just hanging out all day.
That was like the least surprising plot twist ever.
I worked at a tattoo shop before that.
Cool.
I got full of surprises.
But he's good because he likes to make fun of himself.
Yeah.
And that's a good quality in a comedian.
Yeah, totally.
It's also kind of cool that your dad, like, he found a way to fuck a 12-year-old in the only socially acceptable way that there is.
Like, now they're married for 50 years.
Right, what are you going to say?
He's like a good guy, you know, in a weird way.
But he was once a really, really, really bad guy.
The ends do not justify the means.
You're the ends, and you justify it.
I told you guys, they're psychopaths.
Jeremiah, do you have... I told you guys, they're psychopaths.
Jeremiah, do you have that Woody Allen wrench?
Exactly.
Also, how long is your drive from Long Beach?
Johnny, what do you do... I'm from Hawthorne, thank you very much.
Close enough. All right, moving on.
What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up
and you're not at work?
What's like a hobby of yours?
Besides getting high and wrestling.
Did you say wrestling?
Yeah.
Really?
I ain't going to say that under your breath.
I don't really have any hobbies except getting high and going wrestling in the woods.
I'm a regular old guy.
My mom was 12 when she got pregnant with me.
I wrestle bears in the woods while getting tattooed and fucking the mafia.
You're the most interesting dude here.
What kind of wrestling?
Like traditional, Greco-Roman, silly style?
Pro wrestling.
Who's your favorite pro wrestler right now?
Currently?
Yeah.
It's hard to beat Kevin Owens.
All right.
Killed himself last night.
Yes, he did at Money in the Bank.
Killed himself.
I watch pro wrestling as well.
Anything else, Johnny?
Anything else you want to say?
No.
There he goes.
Are you getting up a lot, though?
I'm trying.
You know, like it's...
You got to try harder.
No, no, for sure.
I'm getting up.
Yeah, you got to go like five times a week.
No, no, no.
I aim for ten a week as well.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, never mind.
You're doing good. Jesus Christ. I aim for ten a week. Oh, Jesus. Oh, never mind. You're doing good.
Jesus Christ.
You aim for ten a week?
Yeah, I try to do ten.
Jesus Christ.
You're doing it.
There you go.
How old are you, Johnny?
I'm 42.
Oh, perfect time to start.
There you go.
You're in the pocket, baby.
You have the whole world in the palm of your hands.
Tattooed, literally.
There he goes. That, Johnny C, everybody.
He's on Twitter.
At that Dodo Johnny.
That dude Johnny.
C.
That dude Johnny C.
J-O-H-N-N-Y.
The letter C.
Fuck yeah.
Hey, stop seeding people over here.
Josh should have told you not to seat people over there.
And if any of those people that are hidden behind the band want to move back to the middle of the showroom where you can actually see the show, you're totally allowed to do that.
If you're stuck behind the band.
Or if you like it, you can stay.
But if you want, you can move over there.
Stop seating people over there.
Use common sense, door guy.
You guys ready to keep this show going?
Wow.
Sometimes you got to do it all.
Principal Hinchcliffe.
Put your hands together for Eric Mack.
Woo!
Here he comes.
That's not him.
Tony, I apologize.
He came up to me before the beginning of the show.
And he told me he wasn't going to be here.
Now I'm the big guy.
Oh, I thought you said the door guy came up to you.
He's like, should I seat him over there?
That too.
Wait.
He's really not here?
He's really not here?
No, no, no, no.
Blacklisted.
Eric Mack not here, right?
I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Uncle Ron.
Is Uncle Ron here?
Wow.
A lot of sign-up no-shows.
This is exciting.
Oh, here he comes. Uncle Ron.
Come on up.
He's shaking everybody's hand on his way up.
The first ever time that's ever happened on this show.
He's high-fiving the other comedians that didn't get up.
Hello, Uncle Ron.
He's wearing two dress shirts, two-collar
dress shirts. He's literally... He's still approaching the mic.
Okay, who was that first guy with the guitar. Was it you? It was you? That was great.
I'm unprepared, but I heard
you had unprotected sex.
Maybe.
This is totally unprepared.
I had unprotected sex last weekend with two dogs.
Two dogs.
They were having unprotected sex.
I wasn't.
I was just watching.
I didn't know where I was going to go with that,
but I thought that was great.
Okay.
Wait.
Let me tell you a story about the time
that I ran on the field
at Yankee
Stadium.
It's funny. I guess it's funny.
It's true. I did it. I'd never
do it again because they fucking
beat the living shit out
of you, the cops.
So don't run on the field at Yankee Stadium.
But I got ten seconds.
No, that's the full minute.
But you want to do another ten seconds?
I want to hear the story.
I'll let you go. Go ahead, Uncle Ron.
I'll let you go. Extension granted.
Go ahead, Uncle Ron.
You have ten seconds left to live.
Okay.
Okay.
left to live.
Okay.
Wait.
I went in the bathroom at Caesar's Palace last night. I'm a dealer
on the strip and the sign
said, this is an old joke,
the sign said, I took a piss
and the sign on the mirror said
employees must wash hands.
I waited in there for an hour
for an employee to come in and wash my hands.
Oh, Uncle Ron, there you go.
Uncle Ron, coming up.
How did we get back to 20-second stingers again, guys?
Come on.
That's 20 seconds.
No, not you, Uncle Ron.
That was very impressive, first of Come on. That took 20 seconds. No, not you, Uncle Ron. That was very
impressive, first of all. Let me tell you this.
You came up completely unplanned,
unprepared. You made it
very aware that you had nothing prepared, and
somehow you did 100 times better than the
girl with an improv sketch background.
She's got it, too.
Woof, woof. Course of truth.
Wow.
I mean, I like how... I've never seen in my comedy career,
not at Kill Tony, in all of comedy,
I've never seen a walk-on stage swagger like you had.
I mean, I'm talking every great comedian I've ever seen
is more timid and less confident than you getting on stage,
and you're just like, aw, thanks the band.
Which one of you,
I got a minute.
Okay, let me just start
with a little bit of crowd work.
Which one of you band people
was talking about unprotected sex?
That reminds me of a bit.
I watched two dogs fuck.
And it was so confident.
And then when you said
you were unprepared,
I was like,
that's what you should do.
You focus everything
on your walk up.
Fuck your act.
Yeah. Yeah. Right? Who cares about an act? The momentum begins
on the walk-up. And you built
a wave and you rode it the entire way through.
I just wish that was a late night set like
Johnny Carson. You just walk
on, Johnny and baby!
So, uh, I watch
dogs fuck.
That's all I got.
You guys have been great.
Oh, wait, I went to the Yankee Stadium once.
And here's a joke that Jerry Lewis wrote.
Uncle Ron, also considering first impressions,
I did notice and I took note that you are, for another first,
that I've never seen anywhere in my life,
you are genuinely wearing two collared shirts at the same time.
That's not an undershirt.
That is an overshirt.
Also, this used to be a long-sleeve shirt, and he has cut it off.
Oh, you did cut it?
Yeah.
Wow.
And also, there's a lot of stains on his pants.
Yeah, also, Ron.
Yes, there are.
Also, Ron, give my wife about two feet of personal space, okay?
Somebody hand me
one of those wrenches.
Uncle Ron,
grab the mic.
The stain's right here, honey.
That's what I was staring at.
Oh, God.
Into the mic, Uncle Ron.
That's from the dogs.
Into the mic.
Joe Berg.
Whoa.
Tommy Lee Jones
has got all his money.
Now he's showing everybody how many $100 bills he has.
Hey, so if anybody wants to knock out an old man and rob him, here's your guy.
But right before you knock him out, you got to walk up to him, shake his hand.
I love your work, baby.
Men in black.
Uncle Ron, grab that microphone.
Did you forget where you were, Uncle Ron?
I drive two Toyotas.
You drive two Toyotas. You drive two Toyotas.
He just pulled out... Okay, guys,
just for you at home. He just pulled out
$1,000 in cash, a fat
stack of hundreds, and then to
try to cap that, he pulled out
two Toyota keys.
At the same time. And if that's better than
a big stack, I drive Toyotas,
baby!
At the same time. And one of these came out, too. I drive Toyotas, baby! At the same time...
One of these came out, too.
I haven't seen a thick rubber band like this in a while.
Tony, an extremely dirty
rubber band also fell out of his pocket
when he pulled the keys out.
Let's see what else is in there.
Oh, he's pulling out...
Oh, your socks have holes in them.
Get ready to run.
Oh, it's rubber bands.
No, the rubber bands are holding up his socks.
Is that for heroin?
Wait, Ron, you've got to use the mic so we know what's going on.
Oh, well, shit.
That's my main word.
Can you say that?
Are you allowed to say that?
Hey, you know what?
You invented the word.
You might as well say it.
Wait, why do you have so much money in your pocket?
To bet horses.
100% believable.
Yeah.
I believe it.
Less surprising than that the other guy worked at a dispensary.
Are you sure you want to spend all that money on horses?
Don't go to the betting place.
We feed the horses.
When we bet on the horses, somebody's got to feed them.
We lose a lot of money on the horses. Tony? We feed the horses, somebody's got to feed them. We lose a lot of money on the horses.
And we feed the horses.
Who's going to feed the horses?
He's trying to get enough money to buy another Toyota.
Joelberg Joel Jimenez.
Just for all the podcast listeners,
this guy's so weird, Mystery Dan just walked out.
I swear to God.
Oh my God, he really did. He was over there.
I saw him earlier.
Hey, who seated these guys over here behind the band?
Wow, Uncle Ron's on my side.
Thank you.
These fucking door guys have no common sense,
and you're wearing two dress shirts at once.
That's how stupid you guys are.
This fucking guy's got nut stains on his pants.
He's got two Toyotas.
He's like, what the fuck are these door guys thinking?
Yeah, he like brushes the cardboard box off of him in Skid Row downtown,
and is like, I could do a better job than that door guy.
Wait, Ron, Uncle Ron, have you done comedy before?
You've done it on this show before, if I'm not mistaken, right?
I was on here three months ago.
You live in Vegas, right?
You live in Vegas, right?
Yeah.
Oh, you should not be in Vegas.
Oh, you're a dealer.
That's right.
You're currently a dealer.
You're a car dealer in Vegas?
I'm currently a fucking strip dealer.
Really?
On the strip.
So they wait.
Do they let you live in the van
in the parking lot there,
or do you have to park it off-site? Yeah, the van? Yeah, I have to bring the van. I don't strip dealer. Really? On the strip. So they, wait, do they let you live in the van in the parking lot there, or do you have to park it off-site?
Yeah, the van, yeah, I have to bring the van. I don't believe you.
I don't have a van.
On the strip.
On the strip.
Which casino?
Harrison Valleys.
I know what a $100 blackjack is.
Harrison Valleys?
Harris and Paris.
Oh, Harris.
Harris and Valleys, if you want to come see me.
Oh, you work at the Paris, okay.
I'll let you win.
Anybody comes.
No, I can see why they would hire you.
Well, this guy's got an ace up both of his sleeves.
I mean, I'm not going to see this guy.
He doesn't even drive an American car.
Come on.
Uncle Ron, you are an incredible character.
What do you think the weirdest thing about you is?
What's the weirdest thing that you do?
Like a thing which you're like,
man, I hope nobody ever finds out about this.
Okay, I...
It's like I fucked the last comedian's mom
when she was 11.
Flash.
I do a little bit of cocaine.
No, no, no.
What, what?
Whoa.
Okay, no, no. He's getting a standing ovation.
Holy shit.
Holy fucking shit, man.
I've never...
This guy really wants to do it with you.
I've never done cocaine once in my life,
but I feel like I would try it with you, Uncle Ron.
It sounds safe.
I feel like nothing can go wrong.
You have a lot of Toyota keys to do it off of, too.
One for each nostril.
And he knows the original recipe.
It's really good. Tony, it's really good Tony it's not coke
It's just all his friends that have been cremated
Joel Berg
Listen to that
Wow
Powerful
Oh that's Joel Berg's music
It goes along with that.
Let me talk to these two guys.
Oh, you want to try to roast me a little bit?
Yeah.
I saw you the last time you were on.
Uh-huh.
We watched you last night.
The dogs and me.
We watched you.
I remember that joke.
Woof, woof.
You were on about, what, six months ago or so?
Yeah, San Francisco.
You actually have a very good memory.
Nine months ago you had a baby, right?
She had a baby?
No, but that is the gestation period for a baby, so you're in the zone.
You're all right.
Uncle Ron, looks like you're at about what, eight right now?
That's where all the cocaine is.
He's got a coke belly.
No, you can joke about it, but this is not fat.
It's an operation I had.
I was dying.
Oh, Ron, why do you do this to us?
We were having so much fun mocking you.
Uncle Ron, why do you look exactly like Mel Brooks from Spaceballs?
What was the operation?
No, it's Tommy Lee Jones, man, from Men in Black.
What was the operation? Stop, stop, stop. Uncle Ron, what was the operation? Yeah. No, it's Tommy Lee Jones, man, from Men in Black. Yeah. What was the operation?
Stop, stop, stop.
Uncle Ron, what was the operation?
It was a ruptured appendix and open heart surgery.
At the same time?
At the same time.
Oh, Coke's good for that.
Yeah, Coke's really good for that.
So you're lucky to be alive.
It's a miracle of science
I thank all the EMTs
All the nurses
I tried to get a sponge bath
Oh that's who he thought
Hands he was shaking on his way up
He thought they were all doctors and nurses
Who had saved his life
It's a miracle
I mean
I'll tell you this Uncle Ron
Put them back together You think that's what they did? It's a miracle I mean Well I'll tell you this Uncle Ron Pull the intestines out
Put them back together
It's a miracle
You think that's what they did?
They took all of your intestines out
And then put them back together
Put only half of them back
Wow
That's crazy
Your appendix really exploded
You know it exploded
It was like the doctor told my girlfriend
You know the dog
He told my girlfriend, you know, the dog. He told my girlfriend, 20 more minutes, I would have been dead.
Wow, that's about how long it took you to get on stage.
So, I mean, just think.
Uncle Ron, what kind of dogs do you have?
Well, Irish setters, if anybody knows, and I bet nobody knows.
Irish water spaniels, a very rare breed.
Oh, they have big tits Do they have big tits?
They have big tits.
Which one did the big tits?
All right.
Do they really have big tits?
Uncle Ron, Uncle Ron.
Put that mic back in the mic stand.
He thinks we're ventriloquists and we're throwing our voices.
Uncle Ron, look at me.
Thank you so much for coming on this show
You're very, very awesome
Quite the character
Thank you, there he goes
Uncle Ron, ladies and gentlemen
He does cocaine sometimes
So great
Be very careful, Uncle Ron
You're right next to a staircase
I'm going to be honest with you guys I remember Uncle Ron. You're right next to a staircase. Okay. I'm going to be honest with you guys.
I remember
Uncle Ron. I remember Uncle Ron
very, very clearly
because the last time he was
on our show, we found out
that he drove all the way
from Las Vegas with somebody.
And when I say somebody,
I mean what many Kill Tony
fans would consider the biggest, most popular guest in our history.
We've had many, many fun, memorable characters.
Your mystery dance, your Aphrodite who is here in person right over here.
So many fun people get pulled out of this bucket.
But nobody hit us quite the way that this next comedian did.
hit us quite the way that this next comedian did. Here
tonight, all the way from
Las Vegas, Nevada, I give
you the one, the only
Ichabod!
Here he comes. Thank you. Hi, my name is Ichabod.
Thank you.
It's an honor to be here on the most watched live video stream podcast
in the history of the universe.
You have real-life legendary comedians giving you feedback,
like my feedback.
Apparently, I'm creepy. I didn't know. I had
no idea. But thinking back now, I really did have a lot of awkward moments in my life.
Like one time I was riding along with some friends and we got pulled over by the police.
That minute goes pretty quick.
Keep going. Go ahead. Go ahead, Ichabod.
You got pulled over by the police in what?
Yeah, it was crazy. And the two cops were walking up behind the car, you know,
and one cop says to the other cop, watch the creepy guy.
And I said, oh. And I looked next to the guy sitting next to me,
a Chippendale dancer.
I said, oh man, that's so unfair.
I don't think what you do is that creepy.
There you go, Ichabod.
Ichabod is back.
Ichabod.
Wait, so he drove up with Uncle Ron to do your show?
Picture him and Uncle Ron in the same car together.
Uncle Ron doing bumps of coke every once in a while.
Wow, thank you.
It's a signed jack-o'-lantern from Ichabod.
Thank you, Ichabod.
He already has merchandise.
Watch this.
This is how quickly you become part of history.
Oh, the new bucket.
The new Kill Tony bucket signed by Ichabod.
Just happened right here live.
Okay.
Jeremiah.
Yeah, I don't want to be critical, but that set needs a lot of work.
You're going to need to bring it into the shop.
We're going to take a look at it overnight.
We might get it back to you in about three days with an analysis,
but I'm not sure what's going on underneath the hood.
but I'm not sure what's going on underneath the hood.
Now,
Ichabod,
how was the drive from Vegas?
Oh, it was torture driving with Uncle Ron.
Did you have a farter?
What do you think, Ichabod?
What was torture?
Oh, just listening to him all the way down. He just wouldn't stop talking. Well, you think, Ichabod? What was torture? Just listening to him all the way down.
He just wouldn't stop talking.
Were you guys driving on the wrong side of the road?
Only once.
I told him not to go that way.
Ichabod, what do you do for work?
Uncle Ron's a dealer at Caesar's Palace.
What do you do?
Other than dig graves.
Yes.
I don't know if you'd call it a job,
but I fuck dead bodies.
You have a job?
I'm on disability, but once a week
I leave the house
and I get a job as a DJ
at this open mic comedy
thing. I play the intros and
outros. What does that pay a year?
I get a free Coke.
A lot of Coke.
A lot of Coke in the Ron Ichabod dyad.
They pay you in Coca-Cola?
Yeah, it's awesome.
You're genuinely excited about that.
You drink a lot of soda, Ichabod?
Sometimes two, yeah.
Two?
Went for each car.
Did you drive?
No, I don't drive.
Who drove?
Ron drove?
Yeah.
Holy fuck.
Ichabod.
That's a sitcom right there.
He doesn't drive.
He just turns into a bat and flies places.
Schoelberg's in it.
He's on the street.
What's the most annoying thing that happened on the ride?
Do you remember something he was specifically that he just wouldn't shut up about?
That Uncle Ron kept
bringing up?
Horses.
Ah.
What did he say about the horses?
He won $600 on that.
He won $300 on that. The lady told him about this and he he won 600 on that, won 300 on that,
and this damn lady told him about this,
and he lost 800 on that,
and this one's got a big cock,
and we're bringing these other people to...
It's like Vietnam for me.
I don't get flashbacks just thinking about this.
Were you in Vietnam?
Me? No.
No, but I rode with Ron, motherfucker.
You're from Australia?
No, Las Vegas. Oh, you're from Las Vegas. Yeah. You're from Australia? No, Las Vegas.
Oh, you're from Las Vegas.
What do you do for fun in Las Vegas?
Oh my God, Tony.
Other than lure children.
Try and get into sports.
I go to this new thing in Las Vegas.
I don't know exactly how legal this is,
but it's Friday night gunfights. I try and get into sports. I go to this new thing in Las Vegas. I don't know exactly how legal this is,
but it's Friday night gunfights.
You sit behind a bulletproof window,
and then they'll have one-on-one or teams,
and they shoot each other.
Do people get shot?
Yeah.
Wait, Saturday night gunfights?
Friday night gunfights. Friday night gunfights.
Yeah, you moron. They wouldn't do that on Saturday night gunfights? Friday night gunfights. Yeah, you moron.
They wouldn't do that on Saturday night.
Of all the things that got corrected, it's the day of the week.
It's Friday night gunfights.
Let me get this right.
I mean, that does sound kind of great, though.
So you're telling me that you use real guns,
you stand behind bulletproof glass, and you shoot at each other?
No, he watches it.
He watches them shoot at each other.
Do people die?
Not yet, no.
Does anybody win?
He's like, but I'm hoping,
because I'm hungry.
Yeah, how long have you been
a mannequin for coffin displays?
No, but seriously, how long have you been the mascot for Spirit the Halloween Store?
You have an interesting laugh, Ichabod.
I'm going to ask you the same question that I asked Uncle Ron at one point.
I got a great answer out of him.
the same question that I asked Uncle Ron at one point.
I got a great answer out of him.
What's something... What's something creepy
about you that you sort of don't want
other people to find out about?
Think about how many images
are flashing through his head right now.
He's proud of it all.
Stacy, why didn't you talk to me, Stacy?
I could have saved you, but I had to end you.
The devil told me so.
Ooh, Friday night gunfights.
Friday night.
No, he has an answer.
No gunshots.
I got a Twitter
direct message
from Ichabod today.
At 516,
I got a Twitter direct
message from Ichabod
at Ichabod Rocks that says,
Ron is driving crazy,
but we're getting there.
On 210 to Pasadena When should I arrive?
Maybe right after 8?
Now normally I ignore
Every Twitter DM that I see
But when I saw this
I got so excited
Was this contextless?
You didn't even know he was coming before this message?
No, I did know he was coming a week ago.
He said, the original DM said,
a few weeks ago, Jeremiah said I should let you know
if I'm going to the Kill Tony show.
Ichabod saw Jeremiah live when he was headlining Las Vegas.
Awesome.
And so this message says,
a few weeks ago, Jeremiah said I should let you know
if I'm going to the Kill Tony show.
I'll be there this next Monday.
And so far
just you and my Uncle
Ron know.
He's not really your uncle.
Is he
your real uncle?
Are you guys related?
No, I just said his name
three times.
Ichabod, is Uncle Ron really your uncle or
you just call him Uncle Ron?
Hey, shut up, lady.
Hey, were you ever on
that sitcom Sabrina the Teenage Witch?
Ichabod, I'm going to ask you this again.
Is Uncle Ron actually your uncle
or do you just call him Uncle Ron?
No, yeah, he is.
He's your uncle?
Yeah, he's a father's brother's son.
Father's brother's son.
Here we go.
How long have you been calling him Uncle Ron?
About five, ten years now.
You met him five years ago?
No, I met him like ten, I don't know.
We were in the Marine Corps together.
It's so horrible when it comes to years.
Like last time I was here, you asked me if I played guitar,
and I totally forgot.
Oh my God, I do play guitar.
I just totally forgot.
You said no last time you were on?
I asked you if you play guitar?
Yeah, I said I should play guitar,
and then on the way home, I'm like,
oh my God, I do play guitar.
Wait a second.
When you play guitar, do they give you a can of Coca-Cola afterwards?
No, usually a joint or something.
Wait, so do you and Uncle Ron go to the same family reunions?
Never.
Okay.
No.
No, we actually met here in Las Vegas.
You can go to these.
We're not in Las Vegas.
Let me get back to these DMs for a second.
After he said we're on the 210 to Pasadena,
I said, yes, come into the main room a bit after 8.
Can't wait to get you up there, pal,
because I knew that I was going to bring up Ichabod on his own
as a special guest at some point.
I wasn't expecting to pull Uncle Ron out of the bucket.
I was going to bring you up later.
But then, after I said, come into the main room a bit after 8, that was at 519. At 702, I get
another direct message from Ichabod. It says, Uncle Ron and Ichabod have arrived at 7,
all parked and are ready to come into the main room a bit after 8.
Uncle Ron signed Ed the Comedian's sheet
and wonders how he can get a seat
if it's sold out.
The next message, there was one next message,
the final message came after that,
and it said HHNJJ.
That's it.
That's the whole DM.
What's that stand for?
Halloween Horror Night
Just Jokin'.
Jokin'.
Jokin'.
Jokin'.
These guys are on a whole different level.
Jokin'.
Wait, I have one more question for Ichabod.
Yeah.
What kind of music do you play on your DJ set?
Oh, all kinds of stuff.
Rockabilly, psychabilly.
It's all backwards, though.
Hard rock.
Primarily the Monster Mash.
Again and again and again.
And then I do a long explanation
of what actually did happen to the Transylvanian twist.
You said rockabilly,
psychobilly.
A little boy named Billy that I have
locked in my basement.
It was a graveyard smash.
It was a graveyard snatch?
Heavy metal rock and roll.
We heard it.
What was that, Natasha?
He was trying to get out heavy metal rock and roll.
Yeah.
A lot of the hard, crazy stuff.
It's fun.
It's the hardest.
This place I DJ at, it's open mic, and I think it's one of the best in Las Vegas.
And I've heard rumors we would love to have you there, and they actually said, you know,
we'll give you 100% of the door.
Tony's one of the best open micers in the business.
He'd love to come.
It's true.
And I've been looking for a place that will have me in Las Vegas.
You've been looking for an open mic to go to.
Right.
Doug Stanhope was there just recently, did a special there.
Oh, at that venue?
He's a great follow-up.
Oh, okay.
Did they pay him in Coca-Cola?
It started as a joke, but I'm pretty sure Ichabod just booked me in Las Vegas.
If Doug Stanhope shot a special there and you DJ, I guess I will.
We pay you in baby teeth.
Oh, God.
This is so fun.
Did I forget to tell you the name of the place?
Yeah, say it.
World famous dive bar in Las Vegas.
That's called the world famous dive bar?
Yeah.
Well, there you go.
There's your plug.
Did you have fun up here tonight
Oh it's not my bar it's DJ
I know it's not your bar
But you still gave it a plug
Oh yeah it's like the time you forgot that you play guitar
It was my plug
Ichabod is there anything else you want to say
The mic is yours
wow
there you go Ichabod ladies and gentlemen
one of our favorite
guests ever on this show
you know him
you love him
there he goes the great Ichabod
everybody kill Tony legend
him and Uncle Ron drove here all the way from Las Vegas for this make some noise for Ichabod, everybody. Kill Tony legend. Him and Uncle Ron drove here all the way from Las Vegas for this.
Make some noise for Ichabod, guys.
Tony, you're making dreams come true.
It's crazy, right?
I'm making zombies' dreams come true.
To Ichabod, there are only nightmares.
Going back to the bucket.
You guys ready for more?
All right.
This looks like a brand new name.
Put your hands together for Mia Mars.
Thank you.
Yesterday was Father's Day, so I was talking to my dad.
And I said, Dad, I think I need a future.
And he said, you should have thought of that
before you went to art school in the middle of a recession.
Then he said the most amazing thing to me.
He said, don't worry, Mia, you like those nerdy boys.
If they're nerdy, they'll be smart.
If they're smart, they'll be rich.
So you'll always have someone to take care of you.
So either my dad thinks it's the 1800s,
or he just advocated for me to be a gold digger.
I'm not pretty enough to be a gold digger.
I look more like a grave digger.
I look more like a punk rock Betty Boop.
I look like Peter Lorne drag.
I really don't like the way I look.
I would sell my soul to the devil
if he would make me more attractive, but I
can't because apparently Jews don't have
souls.
I know that's a groaner.
Thank you. There you go, Mia Mars.
Cool, man.
You know, it's the joke everybody wants to make.
Should we all do it at the same time?
Ichabod's girlfriend?
Ichabod's daughter.
Ichabod's daughter, yeah.
It's a real family show.
You get the uncle, you get dad, and you get daughter.
Joel and I looked at each other with eye contact and started laughing the second she hit the stage.
Moshe looked at me, he's like, hold on.
You said you'd sell your soul to the devil.
We have him here tonight.
Only $1.50.
I think you look cool.
Yeah, you're so cute.
Thank you so much. Yeah, I think you're onto that thing're so cute thank you so much
yeah I think you're onto that thing with the Jews not having souls
yeah
there was somebody in the audience that was like
hadn't laughed at anything she said yet
and then she goes Jews don't have souls
he's like damn right now he's like totally got on board
I'm looking in the general bald white person area
over there but I don't know
I thought you were yeah you look great't know. I thought you were, yeah,
you look great. Thank you. I think the comedy
was, but I thought you looked great.
I thought, yeah. She had that grave
digger joke. Yeah, that was a good one. I like the grave
digger. Mia Mars,
how long have you been doing stand-up?
I'm supposed to say two years,
but I'm... What do you mean supposed to say?
Okay.
Sit back, Tony.
It's going to be a long night.
Yeah.
I started doing improv when I ended up being an intern at the Laugh Factory.
And Jamie made me go up on stage.
And I've kind of been on and off ever since.
But I really only started getting my shit together two years ago.
Did Jamie tell you you had to say two years?
No, not him.
Someone else did?
Yes.
What'd they say?
That's how long I've been taking it seriously.
That's how long I've been able to get out of bed every day and do it.
Okay, let's clap for her.
She's doing it.
I guess.
I don't know, I guess.
What are we clapping about?
I don't know.
She got out of bed?
Yes!
She rose out of casket.
Mia, do you still work at the Laugh Factory?
I actually just put in my two weeks today.
Wow.
That's the biggest thing in comedy that you've ever done for sure.
Aside from this. No, even if there's no bigger thing in comedy that you've ever done for sure. Aside from this.
No, even, there's no bigger
highlight in the world I'd imagine than putting in
your two week notice at the Laugh Factory.
What's it been like working for Jamie, one of the
worst human beings on the planet?
Yikes. Just kidding.
Said Tony.
Someone never got passed at the
Laugh Factory. Actually I did
a bunch of spots there last week, and I still hate the club.
He's just mad about the hat thing.
It's true.
Wait, what's the hat thing?
He told me to fucking talk about being from Ohio and wear a cowboy hat.
What's the connection between Ohio and cowboy hats?
He's like, you know.
That's like Jamie's idea.
I believe it 100%
Buddy
You're from Cleveland
There's a snake in my boot, Tony
Buddy, buddy, you're from Ohio
Talk about it, play into it
It's a classic cowboy hat
You know, Cleveland style
Yeah, exactly
That's a good Jamie impression
It actually really is
You are
I just do Jews
What ethnicity are you?
Okay I'm half Egyptian Jew
I like it
Quarter Ashkenazi Jew
And a quarter Welsh
Oh I don't like that part
One of my ancestors is Captain Morgan
The pirate? Yeah I do have a little bit of Captain in me Is that true? Yes Ooh, I don't like that part. One of my ancestors is Captain Morgan.
The pirate?
Yeah, I do have a little bit of Captain in me.
Oh.
Is that true?
Yes.
The real Captain Morgan?
The real Captain Morgan.
Wait, Captain Morgan was a Jew?
No, he was part of the Welsh white side.
Oh.
Yeah.
That would have been cool.
It's not Captain Seymour One could say that
Being related to Captain Morgan
Rums in your family
Oh yeah
Jesus Christ
But you want me to walk the whole plank?
Get out of here
I barely got out of bed this morning
Mia you have braces
How long have you had them for?
Since November
You have braces?
I do
She's young
Fuck yeah it's hot.
Yeah, but you don't look it.
Oh, really?
You look young enough to be that dude's mom.
Your teeth seem straight to me.
What are the braces for?
I don't know.
It's an alignment issue, you know.
It's all out of whack.
Wow.
God damn it.
They're definitely an affectation.
Wait, they're an affectation?
That means it's a... Fake.
No.
It just means it's a, like,
a... Something to get attention
Something like I don't want to
But when I do smile people see it
You incorrectly
Tried to explain the word affectation
To a room of people who knew
What the word meant
Yeah I thought I did apparently I don't
Mia you put in your two weeks
Notice at the laugh factory
How are you going to survive?
I play a lot of poker, actually.
You what?
I play poker.
This is the most degenerate group of comedians.
What the fuck?
The grave robber, horse betting man,
a fucking professional poker player.
Corpse.
You do that good at poker?
Huh? You're that good at poker to where you're going to do it
for a living? I didn't do too well this weekend.
Where do you go? The casino or
private games? Hollywood Park. Wow.
You go right there, huh?
Yeah, the United Nations of Inglewood. And do you
wear that outfit? Yeah. People
overestimate me.
I dress like this every day.
I walk in. I underestimate you. See, I dress like this every day. I walk in.
Underestimate you.
See, I can't fucking talk today. No, but underestimating someone is an affectation.
Don't worry about it.
So you walk in there by yourself,
and what's the most you've won in a night?
A Malaysian child.
From my father, Ichabod, who had one in his van.
$1,200. $1,200.
What happened this weekend? How much did you lose?
$300.
Where'd you go wrong?
Was there something you did in particular?
I got drunk.
Do you have a boyfriend?
A gambling man?
No.
All your time at the poker table
was Uncle Ron, every year dealer? No. All your time at the poker table was Uncle Ron,
every year dealer?
Maybe.
I gotta say,
she feels like a comedian
to me for some reason.
Oh, wow, thank you.
That's exactly what
Jamie Masada told her.
Buddy,
you feel like a comedian.
Oh, wait, I can't.
I'm having a hard time coming.
Hold on. Put on this cowboy hat. Oh, you feel like a comedian. Oh, wait, I can't. I'm having a hard time coming.
Hold on.
Put on this cowboy hat.
This is a fun show. I like Moshe.
This is what I like about Moshe Kesha right here.
He got on to Tony about, you know,
complaining about the clubbing,
but then Moshe does a jack-off act out
about, you know about feeling up on comics
and molesting them, and that's totally okay
in this book.
That's what I like
about Moshe Kesher right there.
That's my boy, Raw Dog Kesher, right there.
RDK?
I do wear
a dog, I will say that. I haven't
worn a condom in... How long have we been
married?
Yeah, you don't wear condoms.
Never. Let's just say he has a lot
of horsepower. Oh, come on now.
Alright,
Mia. Was it everything you thought it would be?
More. There you go.
Mia Mars, everybody.
On to the next one. On to the next
one. She's on Twitter
at Mia F-ing Levi.
By the way, I don't know if I said it, but
Ichabod on Twitter is
Ichabod underscore
rocks.
Dress for less.
I mean, is that his real name?
Because it could not be more perfect.
Ichabod.
No, is his name Ichabod? His first name is really Ichabod. Parents. What, Ichabod? Ichabod. No, is his name Ichabod?
His first name is really Ichabod.
His parents were like, Ichabod.
One thing I forgot to say was that the only other thing that,
the only other message that he sent was after that first one,
he sent an emoji.
It's the sunglasses one.
Trademark Ichabod.
I'm starting to realize he puts on his sunglasses right before he starts.
You should have sent the skull.
They should do a podcast on the ride home.
That's a really good idea.
Yeah, Ichabod, Ron,
start a podcast.
Call it Vampire Diaries.
And then on Friday night,
shooting, whatever, that's the Vampire Weekend.
Gunfight Fridays, yeah.
Yeah, he watches people shoot it.
Ooh, he's standing right there. Look at him.
It's like a bod lingering above. There he is.
Oh, he just floats.
Interesting.
Networking.
Oh, he just floats.
Interesting.
It's too... Networking.
He's...
Put your hands together for Colin Da Vinci.
Thank you. Okay, I know why all the dinosaurs went extinct.
It's because they used to breed nitric oxide.
It's a bodybuilding supplement.
It makes you fucking jacked at all times.
So they used to eat all the trees, right?
They were huge.
They used to eat all the trees because all the trees release oxygen.
So once the asteroid came, it killed them.
Then all the trees overgrew and started making more oxygen.
There's no more nitric oxide.
Okay, do we have any expecting mothers here?
Okay, so you should have your baby sleep on their stomach at all times.
So have them sleep on all fours so that they can carry their own body weight for like eight hours a night. And then your spine will get super huge and
you'll be fucking jacked at all times. And that's why the Sphinx, the Sphinx looks like
it does because that's like a person who did that. They have like super crazy, like long
spine and like they can like, they're super flexible and all this shit. They're super strong. And I think the pyramids were built underwater.
That's a good punchline to end on.
This could not be more incongruous,
like how he looks.
And I had no clue what you were saying.
Hold on one second here.
This is so you could throw the towel in here.
Colin. Joe, this is so you can throw the towel in here. Colin.
Your heart of stone.
Colin, you have been on this
show twice before. I remember this
because... Three times, right?
This is the third, right? I remember
this because every time it's all about
nitric oxide for some reason.
It's absolutely
unforgettable. You're looking
very sloppy tonight.
Your shirt, I mean, both of
Uncle Ron's shirts that he's wearing
are better than the one that you went with.
I don't know.
I like a black comic
that wears a tunic to a show.
I'm into that. It's like a pirate shirt.
Unusual choice.
That's her great-great-great-great-great uncle's shirt. Unusual choice. Oh yeah, that's her great great great great great uncle's shirt.
Captain Morgan's.
Do you have any history
of mental illness in your family?
Like with you?
No. Not diagnosed.
How about building pyramids?
Uh...
Alright.
Oh yeah, Red Band. What's up with that shirt, dog?
Oh, you're going to roast him on his outfit?
No, I just want to look at it and make sure it's not...
Oh, I get it.
Oh, yeah, he deserves to get roasted on that.
So, Colin, have you written any jokes?
Every time it's always been a ramble about the nitric oxide,
and it gets a big pop from the comedians that think you're pathetic,
but it doesn't connect with any audience members.
I felt like schizophrenic.
I wasn't thinking pathetic.
You know, sometimes...
You're welcome.
Sometimes whenever there's too much nitrous in the system,
it can put too much torque on the engine,
which causes motor function problems.
All right.
Who's your favorite comedian? Causes motor function problems. Alright.
Who's your favorite comedian?
Karl Marx.
Usually I just listen to the podcasts.
Nostradamus.
I don't listen to stand-up.
I listen to Lavender Hour for a while.
Who?
It was one of the first podcasts that I had.
This does not bode well. Oh. This is not
Bodewell, though.
This is uncomfortable.
Yeah, I just listen to podcasts, not really stand-up.
You know what I'm saying? So maybe he's trying
to do a podcast thing when he's
up on the mic. Yeah.
Are you trying to get a message out when you say that stuff?
Oh, yeah. I'm trying to send this out to the people
so they'll come back here and
help me out to build all this crazy shit.
No, I guess I don't know what you're saying.
He has a bunch of inventions.
Can you tell Motion and Tasha some of your ideas?
Okay, we got the two-sided tennis racket.
Oh yeah, the one I didn't say last time.
A golf club that's completely straight
so it's more like a baseball bat.
Wait a second, wait a second, Colin.
Let me just remind you that there are only two-sided tennis rackets already.
That's what you think, man, because you've been nitrous poisoned.
It's a curved tennis racket, like a C, and then the handle comes off it.
Okay, tell us about the golf club.
Okay, the golf club, so it's just completely straight, like a baseball bat.
Because if it has, like, an elbow, you know how it goes down into the right or left yeah like you don't punch somebody like
you know i'm saying no yeah i do point of leverage like when you hit a golf ball the
you're telling me my friend that you think all this while shut the fuck up you're telling me
that you truly believe that this entire time that we've had the physics of golf clubs not exactly where it could be?
Exactly.
But you have it figured out.
And it's just a fucking baseball bat.
Exactly.
All right.
You're a good looking guy.
You seem nice.
I think, honestly, if I could just give you a little feedback on your comedy,
it's just like find a doctor that you can talk to and get help.
I'm not kidding.
You seem like a sweet dude.
And honestly, I think if you got balanced out, you'd be really happy.
It gets better.
As a mechanic.
Now, last time you were on the show, what was your name?
Oh, Colin Phillips.
What made you change it to Da Vinci since then?
Ari Shafir called me Colin Da Vinci at the end of the last episode, so I was like, I'm taking that with me.
I see you were wearing that shirt on the last episode as well.
You dropped some names too.
Well, all right, Colin.
You've got really good bucket luck,
and you got up again to talk about nitrous oxide.
There he goes, Colin DaVinci.
Black Sponge on Twitter.
Is this one of the weirder episodes?
Did you guys see that?
He threw the towel at me.
Oh, he did?
How fucking dare you.
Wow.
I'm going to make this into a t-shirt he can wear next week.
All right, cool.
Is he pro-nitrous oxide, anti-nitrous oxide?
What was the thing about the baby?
I think it had to do with not nitrous, but some other nitrate.
Everything, everything.
I can't really get a grasp of it at all.
Didn't he say last week he didn't even take nitrous?
As a mechanic, my diagnosis is he's got to screw loose.
Ichabod left his tablet on stage.
Oh, no.
Ichabod.
Uh-oh.
Oh, here he comes.
Ooh.
Yeah, and there's an external drive attached.
Wow. Ichabod.
That's a Sheikah slate from Zelda.
There he goes again, living his dreams.
Ichabod, everybody.
Why don't we bring up our regular and then go back to the bucket again afterwards.
We have a regular on the show.
She's the only person that doesn't get pulled out of the bucket.
She writes and performs a brand new 60 seconds every single week.
It's one of the toughest jobs in all of comedy.
She does it in front of our millions of listeners every week.
Put your hands together for her.
Here she is again, the great Allie Makovsky.
Allie.
Too much laughter at my appearance, sir.
I just got this haircut and it has changed my life.
I just recently bought a 2003 Subaru Outback.
So I'm just leaning into the look.
All I need is a pair of cargo shorts and I am, you know, full les.
I used to be, you know, pretty hot.
My dad still thinks I'm like
the young girl with long hair.
He introduces me and my sisters to his friends
like a pimp
he lines us up and is like this is britney she's the oldest this is courtney she's the middle and
she has fake blonde hair this is ally uh she's a comedian don't worry about her
my mom does the same thing my mom whores us out. She'll show all of her friends pictures of my sisters and I
to all of her friends who are just the employees of Verizon.
Boom.
Another new minute from Allie Makovsky.
Very impressive always that you're able to do this week after week.
Oh, God.
Isn't it annoying as a woman to shave your head?
Like, don't you have to talk about it all the time?
Doesn't everyone comment on it?
People do comment on it a lot, but it's nice for this Kill Tony
because it's like a quick joke that I can just be like,
something, I'm like throwing spaghetti at the wall, you know?
That's cool.
You should find a new haircut for each year of stand-up that you do so you have, like, a different wacky, like, haircut wall, you know? That's cool. You should find a new haircut for each year of stand-up that you do
so you have a different wacky haircut thing.
That's a great idea.
Do a weird side ponytail
and that'll be a nice joke or something like that.
Jeremiah Watkins.
Hey, didn't I see Ally in that movie
with Eddie Murphy, Golden Child?
Wow.
I don't get the reference,
but a few other people did.
Four people will get it.
That's all I care about.
I got it. It makes sense.
Joel Jimenez. If you're leaning into the look,
how many pairs of Birkenstocks do you have?
I was just looking
through my joke book to find something
and I wrote down a note that said
I think if I get Birkenstocks,
it will change my life.
That's what's up.
That's what's up.
All right.
Moving on.
Wow.
Actually, I was thinking cargo shorts and Subaru is a little bit too, you know, on the
nose of lesbian thing.
It's like it'd be fun to be something like I've given up eating, you know, gluten altogether
and I exclusively pussy now or something like, you know, something more specific, you know,
hard twist pussy and seeded breads. now. Something more specific. Hard twist.
Pussy and seeded breads.
Also, Moshe drives a Subaru,
so he probably didn't like that.
I eat pussy like a fucking...
How long have we been married?
Allie, I love that shirt.
How long have you been renting out U-Hauls?
How long have you been a bowling champion?
No, but Allie, honestly,
when you were in 8 Mile and you had one shot,
you had one opportunity.
Even Uncle Ron doesn't miss his one chance to blow.
That's a cocaine joke.
That was funny, though.
It's unbelievable what you're doing
I just saw a great write up of you
In the Interrobang
After your performance last week
Big Jay Oakerson
Had you open up for him at the Hollywood Improv
And you got a real write up
Like the monster that you are
We absolutely love the work that you do here
Every single week
I don't know what else to say without being too repetitive
awesome
that write up was cool
it was like the young bald dude that opened up for Big J
slayed it
oh yep okay
there she is with another brand new minute
yes Joel Jimenez
I was gonna say
Ally McCops I was gonna to say... Allie McCops.
I was going to say she's the American
history next big thing.
You know what I'm saying?
I love it.
For some reason, I didn't get that one either.
American history's
next top model.
You know?
You don't get it?
Yeah, it's not really hitting me.
Skinheads have short hair.
Edward Furlong.
American History's ex.
The next American History next.
Will everybody just Google the movie Golden Child later?
It deserves more.
You're listening to the podcast.
Google it now.
I pulled another name out of the bucket.
This looks like a new name, but obviously people have been changing their names on this show lately, so who knows?
Could be somebody we've seen before.
Put your hands together for Jerome Tennyson.
Here he comes.
From deep in the back of the room. All right, what's going on, y'all?
I'm a high school math teacher, so I'm enjoying my summer right now.
I remember we have these drug-sniffing dogs that come on campus.
And when they come on campus, sometimes they could come into the classrooms.
And when they do, everybody has to leave
the classroom, right? So the dogs came
in my classroom, so we all leave.
Students, teacher. And they leave
backpacks and everything in there.
Well, one of the dogs found weed
in one of the students' backpacks.
Right? And so, as a teacher,
I get attached to some of my students,
right? So I felt really bad
because I was the one that put the weed in his backpack.
And I think, like,
the hardest part about that was, like, when the
principal told me, was trying to act like, what?
Jeffrey had weed in his backpack?
Oh, that's it.
All right.
One more.
That was the best joke tonight.. That was the best joke tonight.
That was definitely the best joke tonight, I think.
I agree.
The girl was good.
I think he is one of the...
Okey-dokey, Brian.
Thank you for that again for no reason.
Jerome, I think you are one of the top rising future comedians
that looks exactly like future.
Too much sauce.
He's so charming.
The future is bright.
How long have you been teaching high school math?
This is my first year.
I just finished my first year.
You smell like pot.
I smell like pot?
Yeah, and I smoke pot continuously.
I have pot almost in every pocket of mine.
I'm a big pot smoker.
He has like cologne on or something.
Really?
That wasn't you?
That wasn't me.
Jesus.
That's not right now.
You wear weed cologne?
That's impressive.
Jerome, how long have you been teaching high school?
He told you he smokes pot.
Leave Tony alone.
I just finished my first school year.
Your first school year.
Wow.
What did you learn?
A lot.
He's given me so much material, for sure.
Oh, man.
Students are crazy.
Well, it looks like I just gave you a perfect lead-in then.
Just some material.
I remember, like, got to go right into it.
I remember just making this up right now.
Oh, the old Uncle Ron.
Right.
The classic Uncle Ron.
Old Uncle Ron.
That is cool, actually, because Uncle Ron had two dress shirts on, and you have, like, two T-shirts on.
So there's some beautiful synchronicity.
That's cool.
No, but you know what, though?
So, like, even though, like, teaching high school, like, I realized I have to pay attention to, like, all my students all the time.
Because the last time I put my head down
for a second, a fight broke out in the class.
This is how the fight broke out. They were taking
a test. It was all quiet
and I put my head down for a second
and then all of a sudden I heard,
Worldstar.
Basically, right?
Pretty much. All of a sudden I heard,
Hey nigga, keep your eyes on your own scantron.
The other student was like,
nigga, ain't nobody copying you, dumbass nigga.
And I was like, oh, God.
And I looked up.
I saw it was two Korean students.
I was like, God.
Oh, no.
There you go.
That's how you do it.
These Asians are out here.
You should keep doing stand-up.
Are you getting up a lot?
I am.
I'm starting to get up a lot more.
Are you new to stand-up, or have you been doing it a little while?
I'm still fairly new.
A little over a year.
So you started stand-up at the same time as you started teaching high school math?
Just before, yeah, but about.
You know what I like about him?
He seems to understand what a punchline is.
Seems like that's been a problem with some of your students.
I don't know if they're my students.
They sign up on a sheet of paper before.
It's all random luck.
As you see, I got this bucket today.
I had some nitrous and then I flipped a baby over.
Okay, time's up.
You think that's one of my students?
I didn't even know he was a disciple.
Can you say what city you teach in?
You don't have to.
Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
Yeah, because you want to keep using those students and keep telling their stories.
Yeah.
But I think it'll be fine.
I mean, I teach out towards Ontario.
Towards Ontario.
There you go.
Okay, cool.
And how long have you been teaching school for?
You have a girlfriend, Jerome?
Yeah.
Of course he has a girlfriend.
He's so cute.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Honeymoon's over.
No, you know what?
I thought your set sucked.
You don't have a future in this business.
Man, by the sounds of things,
this just went from being the honeymoon tour
to the third-person cuck tour.
Moshe, Moshe, it's okay.
He only likes fat white women.
Oh, Jesus.
Jeremiah.
Jeremiah.
You are a typical racist mechanic.
Very quick, though.
No, no, no.
His Twitter is at PogWoody.
All right, not worth it.
I like how it's still the Joel Berg chant.
Either way, it's a foghorn or the chant.
Listen to it next time.
I think the foghorn means it didn't go well.
That's if it goes really good.
That's if it doesn't go good.
We have a little system for it.
You're funny.
Yeah, you're funny.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, you're good.
Yeah, you're good.
Where are you from?
I'm from out here, L.A.
L.A. all the way, huh?
Yeah.
Now I live just outside of L.A.
What do you do for fun?
Any hobbies or anything like that?
Yeah, I like to ride dirt bikes, go-kart riding, stuff like that.
How many CCs on that dirt bike?
Not that much.
I actually don't even have my dirt bike now.
I just got rid of it a couple of months ago.
You just hang out at Speed Zone? Hmm. You just hang out at Speed Zone?
Hmm?
You just hang out at Speed Zone?
You know what? Forget it. I'm going to shut up now.
No, I have my own go-kart.
Joel Burke!
You have a go-kart?
I have my own go-kart.
Did you build it?
No, I didn't. I bought it.
That's crazy. You have a go-kart? What do you do with it?
I just go like...
He goes! Yeah, I just go like... He goes.
Yeah, I just go riding the dirt.
If you go towards Riverside...
Is that what they mean in rap songs when they say riding dirty?
Sometimes that might be what they mean.
Sometimes they crash and it causes a lot of T-pain.
Wait, do you put the go-kart in a truck and go...
Or do you drive?
Yeah, yeah.
I don't have a truck, but that's how I get it there, though.
Wait, wait, wait.
French truck.
Oh, you borrow a truck.
Yeah.
Does it ever get stuck in the mud and you have to use two chains to pull it out?
He's on the road.
We're the black guy, you know, with dreads.
So we got T-Pain, Future, two chains.
All the guys.
I'm used to it.
I'm used to it.
Call him out. Call me in all the time. Hey, hey, hey, 2 Chainz. All the guys. I'm used to it. I'm used to it. Call him out.
Call me in all the time.
Hey, guys, let's bring the tension down.
It's one love, one heart.
Let's get together and feel all right.
I agree with Moshe.
Most death, most death, most death.
You just asking us to give me some more?
It's a Busta Rhymes joke.
All right, cool.
Jerome, is your girlfriend white?
No, she's black.
How long you been with her?
We've been together now like five years.
Wow.
Wait, was the follow-up question going to be the same if she was white?
No.
Yes.
Oh, yeah, yes, it was.
Where'd you guys meet?
College.
Where'd you go to college?
UC Riverside.
And you studied?
Math and chemistry. So my degree's in math, applied chemistry. Damn. It's to college? UC Riverside. And you studied math and chemistry.
So my degree's in math applied chemistry.
Damn. It's so weird when you meet somebody who's like that. Well anyway, let's talk about hip hop some more, man.
That's how I feel like I connect with you.
Most black people I know
don't even say the word
math properly. They call it math.
M-A-F.
Some of the greatest mathematicians
are black. I'm from an all-black
neighborhood, Natasha. That's interesting.
Some of the greatest mathematicians are black.
Did you know that, Tony? Is that true?
Yeah, all their papers start with one,
two, three, and to the foe.
He's back.
He's back. You got nothing for him.
He's back all the way.
Who are the great black mathematicians? Well, one of them He's back. Snoop was paying homage when he came back. He's back. You got nothing for him. He's back all the way. I like that.
Who are the great black mathematicians?
Well, one of them is a calculus one.
And I can't really pronounce his last name correctly, but it's like Michael Thamalius or something like that.
There's other great black mathematicians.
We all remember Fat Albert Einstein.
I can't think of any other ones.
Do you like me?
No, I'm fine.
As long as y'all don't ask me to tap dance.
Do you like being a teacher?
I do.
Actually, I love it.
Yeah, I do.
I love it.
What grade?
High school.
So most of my students were in this past year.
My class was AP Calc, so most of my students were junior students.
Oh, you're brilliant.
You're teaching AP Calculus on your first year?
Mm-hmm.
That's crazy.
You're too smart for this show.
Go do Coke for 45 years and come back.
We'll talk to you then.
There he goes.
Jerome Tennyson, everybody.
Thank you.
He's Kiltoni Debbio.
He's on Twitter at IsThatOklahoma.
IsThatOklahoma on Twitter.
All one word.
That's an interesting Twitter handle.
He has a future in comedy.
It's true.
Absolutely true.
It's another future joke.
Something just doesn't feel right.
Should we go to the bucket one last time, guys?
All right, let's do it.
One last one.
I lost my grip.
Okay, put your hands together for Justin Marchert.
Here he comes. Tantric sex. Anybody into it? I recently had a date who was. It seems to be
sex during which you do not touch. I'm not a fan. I do enjoy tantrum sex.
Tantrum sex is when I lay on the floor
kicking and screaming until somebody has sex with me.
Wah!
It's very effective, especially in shopping malls.
This same date told me I look like a cross between
Keanu Reeves, I'll take it,
and Woody from Toy Story.
So I thought it was kind of a wash.
90s sex symbol.
Keanu Reeves.
Definite wash.
My favorite new dating activity is the escape room.
Anybody been to one?
It's the hot new thing.
You go and solve puzzles and try to escape.
They have different themes, like the space station theme and the pirate ship theme.
My favorite theme for a first date is, if you can break out of my trunk in less than an hour, I don't kill you.
I don't get a lot of second dates.
I play to win.
I play to win.
Okay.
All right.
Very believable set.
Very believable.
Maybe that's his tag.
I play to win.
Obviously, you're not playing to win Kill Tony tonight.
No, I liked it because it was like super down the middle, like club.
First joke, super, super generic.
Second joke, last joke, I rape and murder women.
That's what I do for romance.
I am a murderer and rapist.
I hadn't thought about the structure, but
yeah, I need to
consider that.
You can't start with the rape and murder joke.
Speaking of structure,
I really like that fancy shirt you're wearing.
Thank you, sir. You guys remember that shitty
story structure? It's like an
old-ass reference, It's still around.
But somehow Golden Child got a bigger laugh.
How do I not know that movie?
Justin, what do you do for work?
I'm an animator.
Animator.
What are you working on?
Anything we know?
Well, I've got a show.
Can I just plug my show?
It's called Fantasy Hospital at fantasyhospital.com. I mean, you can plug it, but anybody that heard your set isn't going to go watch more of what you're doing right now.
Until you have a better set on this show, there's no really...
He's got at least three dates that are going to be forced to watch him.
Right, exactly.
How long have you been doing stand-up?
Two and a half months.
Two and a half months.
You've lived here in L.A. for a long time?
Yeah.
How long?
Like ten years.
Where are you originally from?
Chicago.
How old are you?
I'll be 30 Thursday.
You'll be 30?
You're only 30?
Damn.
You look older.
Physically, you look older than that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes.
No.
Physically, I am much older than you, but look physically much younger.
Yeah.
Interesting.
But you're attractive.
That's the part that's fucking people up.
You look old but hot.
His animation's
actually legit. It has like Pete Holmes
in it, Jonah Ray, Will Wheaton,
a bunch of people in there. Fantasy Hospital.
How'd you meet all those guys?
I went to their comedy
shows and hung out afterwards and
signed up to be in it.
You were like, I'll draw you.
Exactly. We were just talking
about how you look a little bit older than you are.
You're 30 years old. Why do you think you
look a little bit older than you are?
I don't know. Anything stressful
ever in your life?
He probably just doesn't have enough oil.
You know what I mean? He's going to get more oil
into the system.
You know,
Jeremiah, go to the well. You know what I mean? He's going to get more oil into the system. You know, Jeremiah, you go to the well.
You know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know.
That joke needed a tune-up.
We can fix it.
I swear to God, you came after me, one of your own, Joel Berg?
No, no, no, I love you, I love you.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I see how it is.
Wow, the band having a little bit of turmoil.
Did you say oil?
Did you say oil?
Justin, tell us something about you
that would surprise us.
Something that would surprise you?
I'm black.
I've never had a headache.
Is that surprising?
Cool.
I get the hiccups almost every day. I've never had a headache Is that surprising? Cool Really?
I get the hiccups almost every day
Wow, that's weird
My guess is that those two things are connected
Yeah, that's connected
I have full-blown AIDS
I'm not sure if that's true
I'm sure these are weird qualities
That's interesting
You've never had a headache?
No
Interesting
Well, a couple of times I have
I had the flu
I mean, like
No, no, no I a couple of times I have. I had the flu. I mean, I had the flu.
No, no, no.
I'm on his team.
I support you.
You're saying you've never had the phenomenon of just getting ahead.
Right.
I had the flu within a few hours, so I knew it was coming on because twice in my life
it happened, and I was like, oh.
And then I was sick in bed for like five days.
Just tell us how many miles you have on your car.
36,000.
When do those hiccups normally happen?
Is there a certain time of the day?
After I eat. I eat too fast.
What are you, a fucking baby?
It'd be weird.
I wonder if there was a way that you could not get the hiccups.
I don't know.
I eat too fast. Sometimes I spit up all over my shirt.
You find yourself tired a lot?
Yeah.
It might be an exhaust problem.
I don't know.
Oh.
All right, Justin.
Well, I mean, you've been doing it two and a half months.
At this rate.
What do you call a guy who masturbates in his car?
A carburetor.
Wow.
Hey, what do you call two guys that both masturbate in their car?
Ron and Ichabod on the way home.
Justin Marcher, congratulations.
You made it on Kill Tony.
Thank you so much.
There he goes, everybody.
Justin Marcher.
We did it.
That's the show.
How about that?
You made it through Kill Tony.
That's the entire episode. Tell us
more about the honeymoon tour. We're coming to a town
near you. Me and Natasha, we're doing stand
up and then we do relationship advice. We'll bring
couples up on stage and have fun with them just
like people have fun with us. Someone got married from it last year.
That's right. We set a couple up and they
got married. That is so fucking awesome.
So singles, come on out.
July 19th, we're in New Orleans.
Then we go to Atlanta, Miami.
Then we go to Montreal, Boston, Philadelphia, New York City, Chicago, Milwaukee.
We're coming to a theater near you.
While you all sat there being lazy, the amazing Ryan J. Ebel drew this the entire time.
All these prints are available at RyanJEBelt.com, including the official Kill Tony poster.
TonyInchcliffe.com will get you tickets to the
monster energy outbreak tour the entire month of august and moshe casher.com will get you tickets
to our tour go to both tours absolutely you know what i'm excited about is my brand new
jeremiah walkins t-shirt the walk-ins with the saxophone that's available
at jeremiah walkins.com jeremiah tell us other things yeah you know uh just reach out to me
on social media at jeremiah stand up and uh you know, just reach out to me on social media,
at JeremiahStandUp, and you know, I might
hit you back with a message or something.
Patty Reagan has a new album
out called Bad Chad, which I absolutely love.
Anything else, Patty Reagan? Eh, forget
about it. Joel Berg,
Joel Jimenez, everybody.
He's on Twitter, mostly
sorry. What else? I mean,
people have been reaching out to me
saying that they listen to the podcast while they work.
It gets them through their day.
It's nice to hear from you.
I love you guys.
Keep on fucking listening.
Happy to be here.
We love you, Joel Berg, Jeremiah, Pat Reagan, Brian Redman.
See you guys.
Thank you, live audience.
Have a good night.
We'll see you on the front patio.
We'll see you on the front patio.
LA Speedweed.
I always forget to fucking plug them. We love you, LA Speedweed I always forget to fucking plug them We love you LA Speedweed
We love you LA Speedweed The Falk shall be.