KILL TONY - KILL TONY #220

Episode Date: July 10, 2017

Jason Acuña (Wee Man), Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 07/03/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv, for everything you want for Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions of the show. Also, you can click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store,

but we have a bunch of different shows. Death Squad's going on the road to Toronto with Sam Tripoli and Dean Del Rey and myself, July 27th through 29th, August 9th through the 13th, Edmonton with Kate Quigley, and August 16th through the 20th, Minnesota at the House of Comedy with Kate Quigley.

TonyHinchcliffe.com has all your Tony Hinchcliffe tour dates. He's about to go on this big Monster Energy tour. It's going to be crazy. He's going to be in like a thousand cities. And Tony has it all at TonyHinchcliffe.com. His next couple ones, he's going to be in Fort Worth, Texas at Hyena's. He's going to St. Louis, Madison, Wisconsin, and a bunch of other dates. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. I'm proud to announce that the new Kill Tony t-shirt, the first t-shirt, is finally available for pre-order. If you go to ShopSquad.tv and click on Kill Tony to pre-order it. It's going to ship out in a couple of weeks. Uh,

and we're going to have a bunch of new shirts, uh, for kill Tony in the upcoming months. So check out shop squad dot TV. They also have desk squad shirts and hats shop squad dot TV. Ryan J E belt. He's the house artist. He draws every single episode.

You can always go to his website to buy the new poster or past episode prints That's ryanjebelt.com And last but not least Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony And hit subscribe And now here's a new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Ray Van Company Live in the real famous comedy store for our last Belly Room show.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Kill Tony! Hello. Hi. Welcome. Good evening. And hello. And welcome. belly room show give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe kill Tony hello hi welcome good evening and hello and welcome the great Brian Red Band is here everybody we're all settling in hello everyone make some noise for the great Pat Reagan you just saw the band leader here on kill Tony getting everybody a little riled up a little big dick small boss that's on bad chat his new album a little riled up. The little Big Dick Small Boss. That's on Bad Chad, his new album. Shout out to L.A. Speed

Weed. If you love weed, why not have it delivered directly to you from our friends at L.A. Speed Weed. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here drawing tonight's episode. This is a human being with a big giant piece of white paper in front of him. He's drawing while you all get to sit there and do nothing like bums the entire episode.

All of his prints of each individual episode are available at ryanjebelt.com. He's also the artist that drew the official Kill Tony poster. That's at ryanjebelt.com as well. Boom. And I'm on the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour. A few podcast listeners, hundreds of thousands of millions of people out there

listening to this show. I'm touring the entire country. It's called the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour. So I'm going to be in a theater or a rock club near where you live. But back to this awesome live show. Are you guys ready to do this shit tonight or what? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? I know I am.

I love this fucking show. And this has been over four years of us doing this show in this room. In the last year, we've been doing every other show here and every other show in the main room. And from now on, we are going full-time main room. And we figured for our last spot ever in the belly room, the smaller room, why not have our favorite small human of all time on as a guest? An awesome fan of the show, one of our favorite human beings from all of our favorite jackass movies. Put your hands together for Wee Man! Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. Yeah!

Holy shit. Holy shit. Yeah. Moisturizing the lips with chapstick. Real chapstick, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit. This is one of the most powerful intros I've ever seen. I don't know how long he's going to go. Tony is unzipping his pants.

Looks like he has another tube of chapstick down there. What's up, brother? How are you? Welcome to the show. Have a seat. I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. Motherfucking Wee Man's here, ladies and gentlemen, on the number one live podcast in the world. Our good friend Steve-O was supposed to be joining us, but we got a fun text message from him saying that he, for a thing he was doing,

the type of life that Steve-O lives, he tried to do snow angels on a fire today and came out with fourth degree burns. Look at that, everybody, from our friend Steve-O that was going to be sitting next to Wee Man tonight. You know what I was thinking? He's going

in on the worst day for a burn because as soon as he goes in they're going to be like oh Greg what kind of fireworks were you playing with? I was just doing snow angels on a furnace. How many people are going to be going in in the next day or two for firework burns?

Do you think Steve-O just has like a bracelet like a front of the line pass at the hospital? Yeah. That's that, right? That's the bracelet. You guys just get to walk right in. You get to kick the ambulance doors open

and do whatever you want. I'm excited that you're here. You know how the show works. You've been a regular guest numerous times. Or I mean a guest as a... Yeah. I was an audience member yeah yeah and it was funny the first time because i was just coming to watch and then you're like come on and i'm like uh

yeah i don't know if i want to put my name in the bucket i wasn't asking you to put your name in the bucket you got to think bigger we man uh i wanted you as a guest on the actual show. I can only think as big as I am. Five inches. One of my favorite... Damn. And I got a good tongue, too. That chapstick tube extends if you twist the bottom of it, huh? Exactly.

You know what I love about this fucking show? As a fan of this show is the band and let's just bring them out it's my favorite thing in the world they always do different characters or different something special every week who knows what it's going to be this week put your hands together for the Kill Tony band they're all here it's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins

and Joel Berg Joel Jimenez. Wow. Is that Abraham Lincoln? Whoa. Oh, my God. Yes. It's a 4th of July spectacular.

We have Abraham Lincoln, What appears to be George Washington And Pocahontas is here everybody How? The fuck did I Welcome to Wow that almost worked out as good as it did For the actual Indians Abraham motherfucking Lincoln Wow, that almost worked out as good as it did for the actual Indians.

Abraham motherfucking Lincoln in the house. Yeah, last time you were at a live show, things didn't go so well, huh? There was a man who snuck up behind me and happened to kill me. What he didn't realize was that was part of my plan the whole time. Ah. Surprise, your hat's still all in one piece. You got a new one? Ha, ha, ha.

I do not find that very funny. That was quite the proclamation, sir. George Washington, how you doing over there? Is it George Washington? I'm George Washington. The first president of the United States. Wow. Wow, I didn't realize I was watching a first grade play today.

I'm so excited about this. That was funny right there. Thank you, Abraham. I kind of feel like a turkey. I don't know why. This makes me, you know, you got the Indian there and all that. We're going to carve you up right now. Let's do this.

You guys know how the show works. I have a jack-o'-lantern courtesy of our friend Ichabod, one of our favorite guests of the show. He brought this a few weeks ago, and we changed our bucket. He officially signed it. It says Ichabod on the side. The creepiest thing about Ichabod is that his Ds and Bs are backwards. Anyway, it's filled with people's names that signed up before the show for the opportunity

to do 60 seconds on this stage and then talk to us us our founding fathers and sisters and and you know how it works if I pull your name out of the bucket you get 60 seconds uninterrupted you know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten

nope just the cat part and that means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There it is. There it is. Okie dokie. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? All the pieces are in place. Your first comedian performing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight

goes by the name of Tommy O'Neal. Tommy. Tommy, Tommy O'Neal. Uh-huh. I mean, there's people going up the stairs, and there's not room for anyone. Even if anyone was coming, they wouldn't know because I can literally see that nobody can get through there. Is anybody back there named Tommy O'Neal? Oh, okay.

I heard the great Aphrodite. Put your hands together for Aphrodite in the back of the room, everybody. Is Shaquille O'Neal back there? You can always hear her. You can always hear her. There ain't no Tommy O'Neal. Tony, what about Shaquille O'Neal? Oh, George, I can't believe you've been keeping up on your topical references, George Washington.

He'd sure have trouble hiding back there. How do you know who Shaquille O'Neal is, George? Have you been alive? He'd sure have trouble hiding back there. Ha ha. How do you know who Shaquille O'Neal is, George? Have you been alive? Oh, you can ask me that later. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jessica Jackson. This is why we're moving to the bigger room. I feel like even if somebody was coming, we wouldn't even know.

Aphrodite is standing at the top of the stairs. Look at that black mass just standing there. Aphrodite, you've got to move somewhere, kiddo. You can't stand there. You are the epitome of a fire hazard right now. You are everything a fire marshal hates in life. I thought that that was Harriet Tubman up there.

Oh, hey, Ram. Your old friend. I have a feeling these two comedians have a fear of little people. That's why they're not coming up to the stage. It might be. It's a real thing. It is.

It's serious. If the third person doesn't come, I'm glad. Wee Man is the first guest that I've pulled out of a bucket before, by the way. Fun fact. I pulled another name out. It's Ian Russo. Whoa! There he is.

Make some noise, Comedy Store. I just flew in from New York, and boy, are you all faggots. So a couple years ago, I found myself going through a breakup, and I was at a Hanson concert of all places, getting wasted off of a little something called Mhops. If you don't know what Mhops is, it's not something I made up for the sake of the story. It is a beer that actually exists. I like to believe that the band Hanson was one day tinkering with a beer brewing kit in the garage,

and they developed this recipe that was so perfect, and they just had to slap the mmm hops label on it. And, yeah. The band Hanson, though they were I don't know if you know this about The band Hanson but I've had a long Musical upbringing I've seen thousands of Punk bands metal bands indie bands Went through a lengthy

Ska phase I'm not proud of it but it happened It happened But the band Hanson They were the tightest fucking band I've ever seen. Wow. All right, Ian, let's talk about it. Come out, call the audience faggots. Check.

While sounding like Josh Martin. Work out. And then go straight to Hanson. Yeah, that new Hanson shit. I don't think anybody's ever really covered this before, especially when Hanson was a band that worked. Three-minute bit that I tried contesting to. That's exactly what Hanson tried to do, ironically enough.

Are they all adults now? I think so. No, they stay the same age. He was trying to pick up girls the same age at the show. Ian, what's your story, man? How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years.

It sounded like you were almost about to cry towards the end of that set. No, I am not. Did you notice that? Is that part of your comedic voice? Sort, not really. Do you sometimes almost cry sometimes? Let's just say I wanted him to stop.

That's Jeremiah under there, I do believe. I think that might be Jeremiah Watkins underneath that beard. Okay, so you've been doing the, the crying thing. I want to get back to that serious question. No, my nerves got like, yeah, they caught me off guard. What about, why do you think your nerves started going haywire at about 45, 50 seconds?

Because it wasn't going the way you thought it would? Combination of that and... You think that a lot of these people are ready to really be like Hanson? Like they have a strong opinion of Hanson now more than ever perhaps? Not a good time for – yeah, not the room for it. Yeah. It's ironic. I don't think it's the year for it. So how long have you been working on this Hanson bit?

It's about two months old Two months old Okay Interesting So what do you do for work? I'm a background actor Yeah What have you background acted for?

God, I've done Modern Family, Bones Have you? Yeah The Mindy Project I've been Modern Family, Bones. Have you? The Mindy Project. I've been all over. Say Bones again. Bones. Say it again. Bones. Again. Bones.

I do have a lengthy Bones bit, but... I think I've found a loophole with you. I think it's just hilarious if you just say the word bones over and over again. I'm the bones comic. Yeah, you're better that than the Hanson faggot guy comic.

I mean, you're aggressively... I think anything's... Bones is a good skeleton of an act, but not the whole thing. It's true. It's true. It could be bad to the bones. It might not be a great idea.

What else about you? Do you think, when you do, when you look at yourself in the mirror before you leave, what do you think you look like? I have the best hair in all of Los Angeles County, but due to that and my weirdly shaped face, I look like a milkman from the 1950s.

Say bones right now. Say it. Bones. Bones. All right. All right. Do you have, like, a one-liner? Do you have, like, a short joke that you might Have anywhere in your pocket?

Duh No pun intended Wee Man I'm sorry Literally do you have a short joke? I may be new in town Wait wait wait I want you to do the joke And then pretend like Everybody in the audience plug your ears After you do the joke

Say bones afterwards okay do it i may be new in town but i'm so la even my pants are sag bones this is like when gallagher found a watermelon. I mean, what's happening right here is fitting because it's Kill Tony history, Ian. Or like when the white man found America. Wow. There she goes, Joka Hauntus, everybody.

Tony, can we get Josh up here to say Bones with him? She goes, Joka haunt us, everybody. Tony, can we get Josh up here to say bones with him? Josh? Yeah? We got bones in the back. Yeah. There's a lot of bones going on. Bow, bow, bow, bow, bones.

Ian, I'm going to ask you a question here. All right. Don't, don't, don't. We don't. Bones, bow, bones, bones, bones. Ian, I'm going to ask you a question here. All right, don't, don't, don't. Bones, bow bones, bones, bones. You loop him going, bow, bow, bow, bow, bones. Maybe it's like, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow. Well, I mean, that's a little sexier than what I was thinking. Bone Thugs Unharmonied Crossroads.

I was thinking. It's Bone Thugs Unharmony Crossroads. I was thinking, you know, Tony, it's about time the founding father, George Washington, threw the show back over to Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, I think you could have done it without even having to say that. I just would have, had you not said anything, I just would have kept going. But it is an honor to have George Washington and Abraham Lincoln here because I figured as far as I knew, at the level of decomposition that you guys should be at at this point,

I thought that at this point you would just be a pile of... Bones. No, see, I don't want you to try to say it cool. You fucking say it like you say it like somebody asked you, what are you a background actor on? Bones. Still, now you're fucking it up, Ian. Even you're wrecking this word.

You had it just right before. You can't try. Bones. There you go. That's good. All right, Ian. Well, there's no bones about it. You are a one-trick pony,

and you should ride that out into the sunset, my friend. If I ever stumble across you doing a show, and you're not saying bones every few seconds, I'm going to be furious, because none of the other stuff you have going on is ever going to work. If that's the minute that you picked, you tried to condense three into one, Hanson. Yeah. Is the faggot thing ever? Like, is it like, oh, he's... That's really new.

I was in New York last week, and I thought of that when I landed at... Did that happen because they called you a faggot, or... Oh, did I? You thought of it there. I thought of it there. It was only, like, my third or fourth time telling it. It landed really well last night,

and here for show-off go-up. Out of all the things you've been a background actor in, what's your favorite thing? Bones. There he goes ian russo everybody speaking of bones i go back to the bucket that ichabod brought to us a couple weeks ago you guys ready to bring up another comedian? I guess not. Put your hands together for Derek Gruber. I live in Anaheim,

home of Disneyland. This past Christmas, I was stopped at a red light in my neighborhood. I was first in line right by the crosswalk. And I see this guy carrying this big white sign with big red letters. And it said, Ho Ho Homeless. I don't have anything against homeless people. Like, I was almost homeless last summer. My buddy, I lost my job.

My buddy let me stay at his house for a couple of months to figure it out. And he lived by the beach. And he had this bike. And every morning, I'd ride along the beach and think about my next move. And there was this homeless woman. And every morning, she was smiling, carrying her luggage. And one day, we started talking. And she started telling me about all the positives of being homeless. And that's when I thought, like, if I really needed to, like, I could date a homeless chick. Like, the best part about dating a homeless chick is you can drop her off anywhere. That's my time.

Thank you. All right. Derek Gruber. Derek. Into the microphone. Oh, sorry. Say bones. Bones.

Hold on. Wait for it to get good and quiet again. Say it again. Bones. Do you guys hear what I'm talking about? Is it a thing? Does everybody have a slight lisp in this bucket tonight? There's a little magic going on.

This is the special short-tongue episode of Kill Tony. You have a little lisp, huh? Short-tongue is my father's name. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. There he is in the flesh. So, Derek,

what's the deal? How long have you been on stand up? Tell the truth Like four years Literally though Really? I was on I was on like

I think maybe like the second or third Kill Tony Ever? Yeah It was with Earl Skakel And I think Jeremiah That was many moons ago Yeah

Yeah Wow So how did it go that time? It was bad. How bad was it? It was, I don't know. What happened? I did a hacky. I've only been doing it for two or three months. No, yeah, I know. You just did it again tonight, by the way.

That drop a homeless woman off anywhere thing is like a regular, that's like a very normal, yeah, that's like a literally, literally truly one of the oldest jokes anywhere. Alright. I was actually very disappointed that you as an audience laughed. I got angry at you. I got angrier at you

for laughing at it, like that's like a thing you haven't heard before, more than I'm even mad at him for not knowing that it's a thing. I'm judging you guys tonight. It's a special flip the script episode of Kill Tony. We give you guys notes on how to be a better audience.

I actually told that joke in the Gettysburg Address. I fucking love you so much. Oh my God. Derek, what do you do for a living? How do you make money? What skateboard shop do you work at? I work at Target unloading trucks.

You unload trucks at Target? Awesome. Wow. Yeah. There's a lot of interesting shit that goes on there, obviously. Like what? Just the people. Like what?

Don't beat around the bush. Tell us the story. Yeah. You're not really hitting the Target here at all. I don't like Targets. So you unload trucks. How long have you lived in L.A.? I've been in Orange County for 10 years.

10 years. Where are you originally from? From Ohio. What part? Like outside of Dayton. Oh, okay. How long have you been working at Target? Like a year and a half or so.

I just do it because I can still go to Mike's and stuff during the day because it's at 3.30 at night. I do that for four hours and I'm off at 7.30 in the morning. And then what do you do? Smoke a lot of weed, try to write non-hacky jokes.

Do you have roommates? No, actually. He's almost homeless. I can drop myself anywhere. You ever hook up with a chick in the dressing room at Target? Oh, shit, no. You have your own dressing room at Target? No, but Target's have dressing rooms. No, that's just you, dude.

That's when you go to a Target. They make you a special thing. Not everybody has that. Oh, now it's special. Oh, I mean. Wow. Well, I mean. Here we go.

So, no, literally, Derek, what do you do after that? I understand smoking pot. That's not really a thing. What else do you do? Yeah, I mean, I hope. Wait, wait a thing. What else do you do? Wait, what do you mean you live by yourself? Hold on. Go.

Answer that. I live with my great aunt. She didn't have any kids. You call that living? Your great aunt didn't have any kids. Yeah. I live in her house. She doesn't want to sell her house yet.

So you live with your aunt? No, she's at an assisted living place right now. Do you ever visit her? Yeah, absolutely. How often? I visited her yesterday. She fell and broke her hip like three weeks ago, unfortunately. She's 97 years old.

Wow. So what's going to happen to that house when she dies? I don't know. I mean, maybe I'll blow it up. Maybe I'll become like a meth head. Wait, did you just try to be funny again? Yeah. What did I tell you about this? Never try to be funny.

That's a hot tip from George Washington. The first president of the United States. I have a question regarding your great aunt. Is he a pull string? Did your great aunt have wooden teeth? That's my question from George Washington, the first president of the United States. That's my president, President Patty Reagan right there. Did your great aunt have

wooden teeth? No. She didn't. She was born in 1919 though. I don't know. Wow. That must be easy for you to remember when you're breaking into her credit account. What are your goals,

Derek? How old are you? 34. Living in the dying aunt's mansion. She doesn't even know. Yeah, she has no idea. She broke her hip. She fell off the unloading dock at a Target. Really

random thing. I moved in. He's a squatter, pretty much. That's it. The target's a cover-up. It is. How old are you? 34. 34.

So what are your goals? Just trying to do stand-up. I went to grad school. It sucked. What'd you go to grad school for? I know it wasn't speech. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, what a burn.

The guy has a lisp. You got him, Tony. I'm enhancing your joke. I'm over here. Hanson. I've already. Wait, what did you study? Political science.

Oh. Oh. Go on. Political science is one of the few majors in which we get to hear your lisp twice in the same word. What's your love life like, Derek? It's not great. He's trying to to fuck homeless chicks what do you think his love life is like I mean how much more down in the gutter bro I'm tired I don't have enough money

to go to the bar this chick needs like 50 cents and she's cool I'm cool with her. Get her a soda. I'm fucking anything. Is that how it works? Yeah, unfortunately. He hit the nail right on the head. No, I don't know. I'm not making that much money. So the last chick you hooked up with, how long ago was that? About three hours ago. Is this someone that you hook up with often?

Yeah, it's like a friend with benefit. She's here. Wow. I got to see the chick you're poking. Yeah, you say it like you want to bring her on stage right now. No, ironically, I don't think she would get upset with me. I was thinking of that homeless bit. And she drives Lyft and Uber.

And she's kind of homeless now. It's very weird. Abraham? And you give her a sandwich and she has sex with you? Is that the friend with benefits part? I have sandwiches. You have sex. Let's trade.

She takes out a gun and Ames shoots him, but it hits you instead. It hits Lincoln. Another good one by George Washington, the first person in the United States. Husband to Martha. So this girl that's here, is she a comedian? No, but she's funny. I tell her to... Oh, like you know what's funny, Derek.

We know your eye for talent. So, Derek, how do you know her? Where did you meet her? At Target. Wait, she works at Target, too? Yeah, yep. Man. Yep, she's at Target.

Wow. How is she almost homeless? She has, like, three jobs. Target, Uber, and Lyft. That's basically one job we man uh on her way to target she picks people up and it's target employees they're like yo just give me a ride so you met her at target you guys ever hook up at target when working a little bit um no come on tell the truth derrick i see you doing your little fucking smile there's cameras everywhere i'm i follow the rules did you ever put one in the stinking and two in the lincoln

wow so funny first time you guys hooked up it was right after work you asked her how does that go down How do you pick up a chick? I just had a roof over my head and I was like... Did you build it with Lincoln Logs? A roof over your head? What does that even mean? Well, you know, when you have a roof over your head, you go in for the kill.

Well, they do sell tents at Target. I mean, when you have a roof over your head, you go in for the kill. Well, they do sell tents at Target. What do you say we Uber over to a field? Do they sell teepees there? Wow. Why is Pocahontas topless? There are two mosquito bites that seem to have landed on the chest.

Pocahontas, you are slutting it up tonight. Look at those purple nips hanging out. It looks like Pocahontas has been eating too much buffalo. Wow. Pocahontas. Man, this is fun. All right. So, Derek, all right.

She looks more disgusting than Mary Todd Lincoln. All right, Derek. I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors, and thanks for coming on the show. Thank you. There you go. There it goes. I saw a little high-five from Abraham Lincoln to Derek on his way off.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Chaz Carter. Yo, what's up? You guys, I need a car. I need a car because I'm tired of commuting and I keep having all these horrible interactions with homeless people. I had a homeless guy walk up to me the other day, and he was like, Nigger Christmas! I was like, the proper term is Kwanzaa, but you have a nice day, sir.

You know what I'm saying? I was walking through my neighborhood, and I was mistaken for a teenager by a local sex offender. The only reason I knew he was a sex offender was Because he kept asking me questions about my mom's work schedule I mean I should have been disgusted But that shit did wonders for my self esteem you guys But in his defense My wardrobe doesn't help I walk around dressed like a buff 13 year old

I look like I could be a stand in For the black kid from Stranger Things Shit's ridiculous Yeah man I think that's it I'm good I'm tapping out black kid from Stranger Things. It's just ridiculous. Yeah, man. I think that's it. I'm good. I'm tapping out.

Chaz Carter tapping out at 50 seconds. All right, Chaz. That's all I worked on. I was like, if I get called up, it's a hot 50 and I'm cool with it. A lot of short sets, didn't you? Yeah, man. It's true. It's true. Chaz.

What up? Why are you dressed like you work out at a playground? Oh, man. Do you do chin-ups on the monkey bars? Yeah, man. I've been physically active since I was like a kid and shit, man. Really? Yeah, I came out of the womb buff.

Is that true? Nah, no, it's not true. I like working out at the playgrounds, you know? Just like hanging out and shit. Nah, man, I don't like it. Is there anything you'd like to say to this gentleman right over here? Chaz, can I just say I'm a big fan of your people. It's a very, very, uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Abraham be fucking... Hats off to you, Abraham. Abraham, have you ever been with a man before? Sexually, Abraham Lincoln? Only in the foxholes. Chaz, what's your story, man? How long have you been doing stand-up?

I'm coming up on a year next month. Again, what do you do? You don't have a car? Is that true? No, I really don't have a car. When's the last time you had a car? Have you ever had a car? Yeah, I did.

But years when I first moved to L.A. How long ago was that? Over five years ago. Where'd you move from? Florida. What part? Tampa. Oof.

Yikes. How long have you been teaching Zumba? Zumba? Hey. Lay it on me. Whatever. Chaz, how does it feel to be in the exact same weight class as Wee Man?

It feels good, man. I'm representing for the little niggas. You know what I'm saying? They're called people. They're called people. You can't use the M word. I thought you were going to say, okay, I got you. All right.

I'm like, how much uncomfortable laughing is going on right now? Very comfortable. Very comfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Abraham. I was not planning on coming up today. Why do people say that? Because I sign up all the time and I never get called up,

so I was just kind of like put it out of my head. You know what I'm saying? And then when he called me, it just kind of threw me off. Why did you want to come up today? Because he's taking a break from being in his Prince cover band. Oh, man. Purple stain. Tony, Tony, Tony. Purple stain. Tony, Tony, Tony.

Purple stain. You do sort of have a naturally uncomfortable sounding laugh. Ha, ha, ha. Ha. Funny. Ha. Chaz. So, man, is Chaz your real name?

No, my first name is Sanchez. Sanchez? Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. You're much cleaner than I thought you'd be. Ha, ha, ha first name is Sanchez. Sanchez? Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. You're much cleaner than I thought you'd be. Yeah. Where, bud?

That's what's up. Is it Sanchez or Sanchez? Sanchez, yeah. Oh, Chaz is short for Sanchez. Yeah. Why do you have a last name as a first name? And a first name as a last name? Sanchez Carter is your real name? I don't a first name as a last name. Sanchez Carter?

I don't know, man. My mom. Carter Sanchez. I'm half Latino. My dad's Hispanic. So I feel like I don't know. My mom's trying to honor those roots. Oh, Pocahontas put her top back on.

Look at that. I'm kind of uncomfortable about my father. Thanks to Mr. Lincoln over here. Chaz, what's your love life like? What are you into? I'm single as fuck Are you almost homeless too? Nah, I'm not homeless Almost homeless

So you're into dollar bills? What? Single as Man. Wow. That was pretty corny. Did I find out what you did for work? No, no, you didn't ask.

What is it? That's a stoner crowd right there. That's a full stoner crowd. You get the delayed laugh. I work at... I have two jobs. I work at a coffee bar, and I do catering. I just got it, yeah. Corny because she brings corn to Thanksgiving or something like that.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. It's actually blue corn. For Trey. It's so stupid, Joel. It's actually blue corn. We're circling around this joke so much, I feel like I'm in a maze. Oh.

Is Abraham Lincoln caught in mazes a lot? I don't get it. That's a tribe. Whoa, whoa. Oh, it's a type of corn. Motherfucker. Tony. What the fuck is going on right now?

You are a general in the battlefield, Mr. Lincoln, but you are definitely a colonel when it comes to these corn jokes. Never was a general. Yeah, I was just going to say George Washington was the general. But then we actually would have worked better. But people laugh at whatever you say with confidence. Exactly. It's true.

They're not really looking at the scientific backing of the joke. I don't think it was actually a general. It was more of an understudy. And that's why Donald Trump is president. Yes, that's exactly why he's the president. Chaz, so you've been working at a coffee bar? What does that mean? Is that a cooler way of saying that you're a barista?

Kind of, yeah. Is this bar that you hang out at called Starbucks? Nah, man. What is it? It's a place called Brew in Los Feliz. Brew. Hipster. Yeah, it's hipster as fuck. It's set up like a bar when you walk in and shit.

So it's like upscale and shit. Oh, it is. It's bougie as fuck. Let me get a double latte. Yeah, yeah. When you get a double latte, Wee Man, do they still give it to you in the espresso mug? Yeah.

Hey. Yeah, and you know what? I always order the tall one. Wee Man is your favorite rapper, too short. What? Fuck, man. Actually, yes. How long have you been working at the coffee shop?

About two years now. And what's the other thing you said you do for work? I do catering on the side. I make white people feel special at their weddings. Hey. Whoa, whoa. How do you make

white people feel special? Like, I bring them their drinks when they want it. I tell them they look good when they don't. I fucking, like... That's how you make everybody feel special.

I, like, help set up the wedding and shit. Ah, that seems like something you'd be good at. Really? Yeah, you seem like you have, like, the little firecracker wedding and shit. Ah, that seems like something you'd be good at. Really? Yeah, you seem like you have the little firecracker wedding planner thing. I mean, I'm bossy as fuck, so yeah,

it naturally comes to me, just delegating shit. You just did a snapping thing with your hand for the podcast listeners. Yeah, I did. Okay. I'm really high, I'm sorry It's okay, Chaz

There he goes, Chaz Carter, everybody He's on Twitter at SCarter727 Derek Gruber is Gruber Derek Ian Russo is Ian Russo Comedy It's all happening I'm excited You guys having fun out there? See some stars hanging around.

There's Mystery Dan on the staircase. If you've ever wondered what that creepy motherfucker looks like, there it is right there. Taking a break from playing the organ inside of a furnace somewhere to be here. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jihan Sabir. Yeah!

What's up? You guys, that was my best comedy friend you just saw. What am I going gonna talk about just kidding um you guys do you want to know how to make a black person have an existential crisis just deny them lotion when they're ashy um that shit is stressful as fuck, and white people never have lotion in their bag. Like, ever. You know, I feel like when I'm ashy, it makes me desperate and a little violent.

I feel like it's the only thing that can make me turn back into a slave. You know? I'm like, oh, massa. Oh, massa, please don't let me go out with these ashy knees. I'll do anything for some Aveeno, massa. I think people think there's a lot of violence in the black community because of drugs and poverty, when really it's just a bunch of ashy-ass niggas

looking for lotion. You know? What I'm saying is, ashy lives matter, you guys. They matter. There you go, Jihan Sabir. I've never experienced an ashy person. Really? I don't know. I'm pretty sure your friend Stevo, who tried

to do a snow angel on a fire today is a little bit ashy right now. He's pretty scabby. Ashy. Stevo looks a little ashy. Jihan, Jihan, aren't you precious? Oh. You have amazing...

Let me ask you a question, Jihan, going back to something we talked about earlier. Have you ever stayed at your great aunt's house? Because I believe Jemima would have. Aunt Jemima? No, nothing? I didn't quite say that correctly, huh? I actually have stayed at my great aunt's place.

Thanks. Oh, you guys call it aunts. That's right. Well, we really call it auntie. You people. Really, we call it auntie. What did you say? Use you guys. You people.

You know what I mean. We're supposed to all be Americans today. Exactly. I was freed. So when you go to the hotel and there's like that little lotion that's for black people. Yeah. I've always wondered. I thought it was just masturbation.

I didn't know it was just black people. That's what I use it for, yeah. I went swimming today at my friend's house, and there was a black girl who also swam, and I will say this. This happened today. I had a nice face lotion that I have. I have a good face lotion that I like to use.

It's SPF, and it's for people that are... It's called Jizz. Oh, thanks, Abraham. Real smart Abraham Lincoln. 16th president of the United States of America. Real fucking Emancipation Proclamation. Grown-up leader of the free world. Guy that solved all the Civil War shit and freed the slaves.

Real smart. Yeah, my lotion's Jizz. You piece of shit. Yeah. That's an expensive lotion. That's what I use is normal free jizz. Come. Come out of men's ball sacks.

Oh my god. Anyway, so I was using this lotion and she goes, goes oh you got lotion can I use some of that lotion and she goes for my feet and I go fuck no you can't use this lotion on your feet

this shit is a hundred dollars a jar and it's not going anywhere I wouldn't put it on my fucking feet it's face lotion you're a lotionist. I know. Oh, my God.

How much is this lotion you're talking about? It's like probably 70 bucks for a little. 70 bucks. Yeah. Bruh. Wow. Your face not that precious. No shit.

Wow. Okay, Jihan. Okay, Jihan. Jihan, you have amazing hair. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. You have good hair. You're not bad yourself.

Oh, thank you. Whoa. Oh, shit. I've never seen somebody be able to do a live upskirt before, but I think this shit's about to go down. I'm pretty sure Wee Man is one jump away from being deep inside of you. Well, I do eat my tacos standing up. Oh! Aye, aye, aye!

And if there's anybody that's been up here tonight that loves a taco stand, it's clearly Jihan. I'm not going to deny that. I'm not going to deny that. Oh, your face ain't that precious I wouldn't even have gone there Jihan You really are an awesome bundle of charisma. What else do you do in life for fun and everything like that? I take care of white kids. I try to instill in them as much black knowledge as possible.

Like what? Are you ever like, all right, well, here you go, kid. This is chew trains that's a uh black culture joke about how two chains is a person and it's white kids so you have choo-choo trains i made a chew trains two chains joke that you guys wanted to pretend wasn't brilliant just to let you know. You can never make that joke twice about teaching white kids black culture. Two Trains, you pieces of shit.

And you missed it. Like peasants. And you laughed at the fucking drop the homeless girl thing off anywhere. Pieces of shit. If you have to explain it that deep. I know, Jihan. I'm hosting the show. It's a live thing.

I do it every week. Anyway. What else do you do for fun? Take care of white kids. What's fun, though? What do you do for fun? You ever go roller skating? No.

I used to rollerblade as a kid and shit. What's something about you that you think is sort of weird that you do that you don't want anybody else to sort of know that you wish you wouldn't have mentioned on a podcast? I used to turn like millennium rap songs into opera songs. Can you give us a little example

of turning a millennial rap song into an opera song just to give us one little note or something? Gator boots with the pimped out Gucci suits ain't got no job

but I stay fly. Oh, that's very cool. I like that. From the Waffle House to the Opera House, I can see it. Fuck you! Waffles are tasty. Now that is a play that I would that. From the Waffle House to the Opera House, I can see it. Fuck you. Waffles are tasty. Now that is a play that I would see.

I love it. Oh, my God. What else has been going on in life, Jihan? Everything else fun? What's your love life like? You've still been banging former first presidents of the United States of America absolutely not

can you imagine I was gonna say I remember hearing she's fucking white dudes well there's hope for you hope I was already in hope I'm just kidding can you imagine if I got a splinter in my pussy that would be terrible Hope, I was already in. Hope.

I'm just kidding. Can you imagine if I got a splinter in my pussy? That would be terrible. Are you talking about the time George Washington went down on you with his wooden teeth? He did it again. Whoa. Whoa. Okay, that was just plain brilliant right there.

Yes, it was. Okay. And now, George, how was just plain brilliant right there. Yes, it was. Okay. And now, George, how was the sex? I've heard that you cannot tell a lie. He changed that night. I'm pretty sure it was a very revolutionary experience for him. The British were coming. The British were coming. The British were coming. Oh my God.

That's great. Gave her a little bit of your John Hancock, huh? He's speechless. He's speechless. You went over the bill of rights And the bill of wrongs Show some respect for this Blackfeet

Sister Wait What just happened? Well alright Blackfeet is a type of Indian right? Native American Native American I don't want letters

The band The band does not endorse what just happened. Oh, wow. Yikes. I'm not good at the type of Native American. I guess we all forgot. It doesn't help when you get angry.

We decimated the culture, and now we forgot the Blackfeet. All right. Awesome. Jihan, you are so lovely. You're so much fun. It was such a pleasure to have you on the show again. Thanks for coming on.

Can I put you on my Twitter? Yeah. Jihan Sabir, everybody. She's on Twitter at Jihan. Is that a dot? Dot Sabir? Jihan dot Sabir. J-I-H-A-N dot S-A-B-I-R.

Follow Jihan. You guys having fun out there or what? you guys having fun out there or what you guys are getting to see George Washington and Abraham Lincoln in one of the oldest comedy clubs in the world put your hands together for Danny Williams Danny Williams he's coming he's coming Danny Williams.

He's coming. He's coming. They say he's coming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. I didn't know I was coming up here. What are we doing?

A minute? All right. I live in Los Feliz. It's the whitest neighborhood in LA. This is how white my neighborhood is. I was walking down the street. I was walking the fucking dog. And my neighbor was coming up the street texting on her phone.

And she had on a t-shirt that said hashtag BLM which stands for Black Lives Matter and then she saw me and just freaked the fuck out. That's how white my neighborhood is. Black Lives Matter but just on the internet. Like

not in real life. Alright, I'll do one more quick joke. matter but just on the internet. Like not in real life. Alright I'll do one more quick joke. Alright this is the dumbest joke I know. I got lost one day I was using GPS and I couldn't find my way and I asked this dude I said hey where's

7-Eleven cause GPS is not telling me where it is on the street. And he said, yo, it's right down the street. Alright. You can finish it. Oh, but dude only had half a finger. So I didn't know if this shit was all the way down the street. Danny

Williams. That's what it's all about. Yeah. Laying it down. You did it again. You've been on the show before. Yeah. What did we find out about you again?

I talk really slow. You talk really slow. And I sell wheelchairs to handicapped people. You sell wheelchairs to handicapped people. Yeah. That's a good market to be selling wheelchairs to. If you were selling wheelchairs to unhandicapped people, that would sort of just be fucked up. That would just mean I was a really good salesman.

Yeah. True. How long have you been slinging wheelchairs for? I've been working there like seven years. Seven years? Man, you're really on a roll with that whole fucking thing. Stupid. Dumb.

Really stupid. Don't clap at that, sir. That wasn't that good. It should have been the other things that were all smart that you guys made noise for. So, Danny, what is, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for five years. Five years. Yeah.

You do a lot of spots? Yeah, I try to get up like two times a night. What are your hours like from the wheelchair thing? I work from 6 in the morning until about 6 in the afternoon. 6 in the afternoon. 6 isn't even in the afternoon, my friend. That's the evening. Right now.

6 in the morning to 6 in the evening. Right now, the sun is still out, so it's afternoon. No, that's not how it works. The sun's coming out now? No, the sun is still out. Oh, still out. It's called evening. Yeah, this is 9-12 in the afternoon, everybody.

Perfect. I go to bed at 10 in the afternoon. I guess technically any time afternoon is afternoon, technically. If we really want to pretty much. Yeah, all the way up until 11-59 a.m. That could still be afternoon. Yeah, still afternoon. No, 11-59 a.m. is before noon.

Well, there's no before noon. There's only afternoon the day before. Oh. What if afternoon didn't exist? Yeah, we just... Somebody... All of our pot-smoking fans listening to this podcast just had half a stroke right then.

Whoa! Flat earthers. There's no afternoon. Dude, it's always the afternoon, whether it's morning, noon, or night, bro. I heard it on an episode of Kill Tony. That's where I get all my fucking stuff from. That's where I make serious life decisions is from listening to that show. So you work 12 hours a day.

I mean, do you do that all week long? Yeah, I do that. He does it all afternoon. No, I take... No, I try to work short hours on Mondays so I can come here. And then during the week, I try to make enough money to just... A completely sales base? I mean, like...

Yeah, do you only get like... Commission. Yeah, you you only get commission? No, I work on the back end. That's the poopy part. Is it easy to get the back end of a handicapped person? Grab them by the diaper. My whole job is trying to convince an insurance company that somebody needs a wheelchair. Wow.

Is it easy to do? You're rap Look, man. So all of a sudden you go, oh, man, I just don't know where my state farm agent is. And then he pops up right in front of you. And you're like, hey, this fucking guy over here, look at him. He's got rotten,

rotten, rotten legs. They're rotting. They're rotting. Look at this. Smell his legs. They're rotting. They're rotting. Look at this. Smell his legs. It's normally people with no legs. Rotten legs and smell his legs, both relatives of mine. Pocahontas can't put the feet together. Yeah.

Joel's jokes don't have legs tonight. Man, so what's your, like, is there anyone ever that comes in there, like, with no legs, they sort of just, like, crawling in, right? You hear the, like, little bells on the door, like, ting-a-ting-a-ting, and all of a sudden, you see someone crawling in, right? And they're like, ting-a-ting-ting, and all of a sudden you see someone crawling in, right,

and they're like, I really need your help. I don't know why they would have an English accent, but I really need your help. I have no fucking legs. I know you only talk

to insurance people. What can you do for me? What would you say? Make an appointment. Oh, shit. He would make them crawl back later. Can't deal with you now.

Crawl back later. They had a ride there. Smile now. Crawl back later. Wow. That was a... When you make the same joke twice, is that called a crawl back?

Oh. Jesus. So, wow. So you don't even ever sell directly to someone. No, I just make sure we get money. That's it. So you get most of your money from the insurance people. And you talk to them all slow and smooth on the phone like your normal cadence?

I send a lot of emails. A lot of emails and stuff. What do you mean? I just send a lot of emails. It's mostly emails, not talking on the phone? Abraham, are you mocking this man that you helped free? Perhaps. I was just wondering if he gets more Washingtons or Lincolns.

Jesus, Joel, what is going on? I'm having a stroke right now. Can somebody put some super glue on Joel's drum seat? Yeah, who's got it, you fucks? Anyone have any super glue, you fucks? Complete heel turn.

You fucks have any super glue? George Washington. What? Standing strong. What the fuck you want? Oh, my God. How's that happening? Anyway, so, all right, Danny.

What's your lovemaking situation like? You seem like you'd be incredible at it. He's rolling through the limpy. What the hell kind of a question is that, Tony? You look like an incredible lover. Hey, I think these people agree with me. I'm all right. I'm single.

I think I've been single for like two weeks. Single for two weeks. The last girl you hooked up with, what was that like? Was that a random hookup, like a one-night stand or something like that? No, I met her in public and shit. Met her in public? Yeah. Where'd you meet her at?

Some bar. What bar? I don't want to say. Doesn't matter. Okay. And then did you go back to your place or her place? No, I live with my sister, so I just went in my car. Oh, you took her to your car.

Were you sitting in the driver's seat and she was in the passenger seat? No, I drive a hatchback, so we just fold that shit down. Wow. Yeah, efficiency. I guess so. Wow. So you, right. But still, are you both in the back seat then?

Is that what you're saying? When you're fucking? Yeah. I don't know how it works. It's not that big. It's a hatchback? Yeah, it's a hatchback. It's like a station wagon, but like.

A mini station wagon. Yeah. Oh. It's a bitch ass station wagon. Oh, okay. You guys seen a hatchback? So you go to the bar. You're parked outside of the bar. You take a bitch ass station wagon. You guys seen a hatchback? You go to the bar. You're parked outside of the bar. You take the girl back in it. Do you go

straight to the back seat? No, we went on dates and shit before we started fucking in my car. Well, that's interesting. I took her places. We went to dinner. Wow. I didn't realize that was a thing. Take a girl to dinner and then fuck her in a car afterwards. I didn't realize that was a thing Take a girl to dinner and then fuck her in a car afterwards

I didn't realize you had to work your way up To fucking in a car I took her to Buffalo Wild Wings Oh now it makes sense Okay perfect Point for Buffalo So then you're in the back seat The pop's top

Somewhere in Los Feliz There's just you No I don't fuck by my neighborhood We fuck by the Buffalo Wild Wings Wild night indeed You take a wet nap home Just because you knew that was going to happen Good question

I keep him in the armrest. Oh, you do? Yeah. Oh, Chris. I want to ride home with sticky dick. You know, the good thing about having six in a car is you can drive away. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

Buffalo Wild Wings. Do you take a lot of girls places? That's where she wanted to go. That's where she wanted to go. Yeah. And little Wings. Do you take a lot of girls places? That's where she wanted to go. That's where she wanted to go. Yeah. And little did she know, her night... Okay, I guess we'll just do a chicken noise instead. Oh, boy.

So, Danny, I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, like, is there anything special you do when you're making love to a woman that you think is different than... No, I just come and go to bed. Do you ever whisper anything in their ear with your cool, slow-paced voice? Do you ever say anything cool? I just say, I'm done. Wow! Jesus. I'm done. Get the wet naps out of the side.

Alright, Danny. Well, it was fun to have you on again. There he goes, Danny Williams, everybody. He's on Twitter at Trunk underscore Liquor. Well, it was fun to have you on again. There he goes, Danny Williams, everybody. He's on Twitter at trunk underscore liquor, L-I-Q-U-O-R. Trunk underscore liquor. Josh, can I get a ginger beer? Josh.

Ginger beer. Josh, maybe fix the sound. Josh, maybe fix the sound. Anybody know where Josh is? Nope. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Quentin Thomas, everyone. Quentin Thomas.

As I get older, I'm finding new reasons to hate people. I'm starting to hate people who bring up my height the second time we meet, you know? Because like it's always the same conversation. It's like, oh, do you play basketball? Like, yeah, dude. I'm in the NBA and I moonlight as an Uber driver. It's just my thing. It's like it just gets boring because it's always like the same conversation.

Like I just wish once someone would be like, hey, how many many stretch marks you have on your back from growing 10 inches in five months it's like a lot it's really gross like my back looks like someone else's height chart to give you a perspective um guys can be perverts i think we can all agree about this guys can be kind of perverts i think the perfect example of this is like every time there's this news story local teacher sleeps with 12-year-old student. There's always that one guy like, man, where are all those teachers when I was in middle school?

Which is crazy, because like girls don't do that. Girls don't see an Amber Alert, and are like, man, where are all the guys in early 2000 model Toyotas when I was seven? All right, my name's Quentin Thomas.

Thank you, guys. Yes, 57 seconds is Quinton Thomas Thank you guys Yes, 57 seconds From Quinton Thomas Awesome You are funnier than a fourth grader Quinton You are a giant For you podcast listeners

He looks like a giant little boy Yeah, I was going to ask You're like, in my old age You you're starting to look like you're 17. We look like we should probably switch faces so our bodies would make sense. There we go. There we go. That does make sense. There we go.

But we definitely don't want to trade wieners. I like mine closer to my knee. But we definitely don't want to trade wieners. I like mine closer to my knee. Now, Quentin, you look like an incredible lover. Do you have any heart? Thank you, Abraham Lincoln. Actually, quite the opposite. I got Quentin on premature ejaculator for $1,000.

Almost undoubtedly. Am I close to right on that? The last few times I've had sex, I didn't cum. So I don't know what that means. Wow. Why? Was it because it was with a woman? Yeah, was it a dude?

I'm gay. That is the joke, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I think I just had too much to drink and one of them was in a car, so that doesn't work for me. Oh, you clearly don't have a... What's his name's car?

Yeah, me and that guy were fucking... Danny Williams wasn't able to make you cum? He's really bad at sucking dick, I'll tell you that much. I told you they met at Trunks. I'm done. Man, the last two times you haven't cum, has it been with the same girl both times? No.

Damn. So you think it's because you were been with the same girl both times? No. Damn. So you think it's because you were drinking so much? It's called whiskey dick. Yeah. Or I would put more of my money on just like bad at fucking. Really? Yeah. We call it fire water.

Fire water. It's a question from George Washington. Yes. Why, if you're a smart man, are you bad at fucking? Good question, George. Not really much to it. I don't do it often, so I just don't have the experience, I think.

The confidence is what is the issue? I don't know, man. You don't know why I don't cum? What George is trying to say is what's wrong with your dick? I've been asking myself that a long time. I mean, let's just keep it real, Quentin. When do you notice that when you're hooking up with these chicks,

when do you notice that it's not going well? Is there any point where you do get hard and then you lose it? Yeah, it's usually I start off strong and then it just kind of fades away. You get tired? You have bad cardio? Oh, yeah. I'm in terrible shape. Really? Yeah. Is that true? Yes.

How old are you again? 23. Why are you in such bad shape? You look like you played a 7th grade basketball game today. I did. I don't know. I just, I don't, I don't take, I don't, I focus on my mental health, not my physical health. So she was on top, but you're on body. Wait, you focus on your mental health so well

that you're too drunk to be able to come? Yeah, exactly. Oh, okay. No, that has also something to do with it, probably. Right. But this is weird. I didn't know a thousand people were going to listen to how bad I am at sex. No, it's many, many, many, many, many more than thousands of people.

Quentin. 500,000. Let me ask you this. What's up? Yeah, you're just a guest on a podcast now. We're. Quentin. 500,000. Let me ask you this. What's up? Yeah, you're just a guest on a podcast now. We're all hanging out. Okay, cool.

So do you do anything when that doesn't go that way for you and the girl's like, hey, what's up? Do you do anything to overcompensate? Do you make sure that you please them? Yeah, I do that before I take care of myself, obviously. You ever punch her in the face? Talk all sorts of shit. You ever do that?

I don't do that, no. I've never, no. It's been the other way around. You've gotten punched? That was weird for you guys, not me. You've gotten punched? Yeah, yeah. While being made love to? No, no After, they're like, that was terrible

Really? Can I give you a tip to come in the bedroom? Please Abraham, yes Abraham Lincoln's about to tell Quentin how to bust a nut Sometimes whenever you're having sex with a woman The physical element is just not there. She gets your engines revved, but only to a point.

So what you need to do is think about something that's very erotic. Like sometimes what I do is whenever I'm making love to a woman, I think real hard, and then I think about the civil rights, and then I'm like, civil rights! And before you know it, my pants are filled with boy fishes. Boy fishes? Abraham Lincoln. You mean your pants, by the time you know it, your pants are filled with my face lotion.

Because it's jizz, remember that, Abraham? I use jizz as face lotion? You child. You bearded child. I'm going to cut out you just saying, I use jizz as face lotion on this podcast. And that's going to be your new ringtone. Wait.

Abraham Lincoln. I'm glad that it's going to be my ringtone because I'm never calling you again. Abraham Lincoln and Quentin look pretty similar. Yeah, it's like a Babraham Lincoln right here. Babraham Lincoln. It's our founding fathers and founding grandson. Quentin, do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Definitely not fucking.

Hell yeah. I know this isn't good for a podcast, but I can do this weird thing with my stomach. What can you do? Sold. What can you do with your stomach? I'll show us. I'll demonstrate. What the fuck was that?

For the podcast listeners, he just stuck out his stomach. I'm pretty sure the answer to my question, do you have any special skills or talents, was no, by the way. Well, I can lift up my shirt and pretend like I'm pretty sure the answer to my question, do you have any special skills or talents, was no, by the way. Well, I can lift up my shirt and pretend like I'm doing something. It's pretty special if you ask me. Really?

Do you ever do that when you're not coming? The answer is no, so yes, I just came. Oh, man. All right, Quentin. Anything else for Quentin, Wee Man? Oh, man. All right, Quentin. Anything else for Quentin? No, we're in two different hemispheres. Josh Gingerbeer.

Oh, yeah, can you have a gingerbeer? Josh Martin running around, everybody. Josh Martin comic. There he goes, Quentin Thomas, everyone. He's on Twitter at Quentin Jokes. All one word. Q-U-E-N-T-I-N. Before we go back to the bucket again,

let's get our one and only regular up here. She writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. She's a goddamn fucking sensation. You know her. You love her. It's the Kill Tony regular, Allie Makovsky. Thank you. Thanks. I keep getting friend zoned by my haircut.

I got sexually assaulted on my skateboard the other day. I was on Hollywood Boulevard, and this guy was trying to get out of my way, and he just decided to stop me by grabbing my tits. And at first I was like, you know, it was a mistake. He was just in my way,

and then I realized I wasn't even moving. I like doing this. Doing a minute every week is fun. People always tell me it's such a great opportunity. You learn so much, but I've never learned anything by doing it one minute every week. You never hear someone going to the gym and being like, I went for a minute. I can't wait to see what happens next week. The number one gym in all of the world or whatever. The number one gym in all of the world or whatever.

There you go. Another new minute from Ali Makoski. Wow. Okay. I think your haircut's sexy on you. Oh my god, thank you. Wow. Damn. I love that.

Is that a... Nothing. Allie, so how's life been going? Life's been great. It's been happening. I'm so happy. I'm just like living my best life. I'm just like swimming a lot and Have you seen

any good motion pictures recently? Yeah, I did. What was the name? I saw Baby Driver. Oh, okay. I saw a great movie recently called Captain America Civil War. You really, really saw that movie?

Yes, I did. Where'd you see it at? What? Where'd you see it at? What? Where'd you see it at? Oh, you know, an AMC. Not a general cinema? Oh, my God. All right.

So, Allie, what else has been happening? You've been swimming a lot. Clearly, it's a July 4th weekend. You're a California girl. So, Allie, what else has been happening? You've been swimming a lot. Clearly it's a July 4th weekend. You're a California girl. Yeah, yeah. You've got the buzz cut. Swimming a lot, you say? Yeah, enough. I like the summer because I don't really have to shower.

I just need to find people with pools. Wow, that sounds like something a kindergartner would draw on construction paper. Me like this summer not have to shower, swim pools. Are you almost homeless? No. Oh, okay. No, she's just disgusting. Yeah.

I've never really... I was beating around the bush on that one, if you know what I mean. Old chowderpuss? They call me honest. You beat around her bush, Susan. Oh, man. George Washington, by the way,

George Washington, by the way, is turning into Beethoven more and more by every ticking second. What's that, Tony? I can't hear you. Beethoven's death. Do the drapes match the curtains? Somehow

it went from the Founding Fathers to Beethoven and Mattis Yahoo real quick. Wow. Musical guess. Allie, we're going to try to get one more person up here. Another great minute. There she is. Wow. Musical guess. All right. Allie, we're going to try to get one more person up here.

Another great minute. There she is, Allie Makowski, everybody. Magical Allie Mack on all social media platforms. One word, Magical Allie Mack. Magic Allie Mack? Magic Allie Mack. All one word. What's magical? MAC, word. What's magical?

M-A-C, right? What's magical? Allie Magical. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Are you guys ready for one last comedian here tonight, huh? Let's see what happens. Put your hands together for Ray Easter. All right. How are you guys doing?

All right. So I live in Koreatown. I had this older white lady come up to me and ask me, oh, you live in Koreatown. Does it mean you're part Korean, too? Like what an idiot would say. And I was like, no, ma'am. I actually couldn't find a place in Nigga Town that was quite my price range. She was like, oh, you mean Englewood? I'm like, yeah, Englewood. You guys heard a lot of N-words tonight. There's a lot of black comics that said nigga a lot. I love saying it.

Gets me out of a jam sometimes. Like, I actually just used it to win a Scrabble game. I was playing against a white guy, too, so it was like, fucking sweet justice. And I was playing against a white guy too so it was like fucking sweet justice and I was like what man you can't use that word I'm like no you can't use that word

but I think I've earned the right alright that's my time guys thank you very much there he is Ray Easter Ray Easter how's it going, man? What's going on? Is this your first time on the show? No, third.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remind us of, what do we know about you? You work? DC, I do Postmates, swag, so I don't have a job pretty much. Ray Easter, George Washington here with a question. Yeah. Pretty much.

Ray Easter, George Washington here with a question. Yeah. When you come, does it take three days to come again and you say, he is risen? It's because his last name's Easter. Oh, okay. Yeah. Ray Easter. No, if that answers your question.

Ray Easter, George Washington here. No, I got that. No further questions. Okay, thank you. Wow. Sounded like he got a little drunk there as the show went on there at the end. No questions. So, Ray, what's the most interesting thing about you other than

anything that you talked about here tonight in real life? What do you have going on? Anything fun? What do you have going on? Anything fun? What do you do for fun? Hobby? Hobby? I just fucking work and do stand-up. What else?

That's it. You must do something else. I don't. You must do something else. Sleep, eat. I mean, that basic bullshit. What do you do when you're falling asleep? You just lay there like this?

What do you do when you're falling asleep? just lay there like this. What do you do when you're falling asleep? I lay there like this. Tony, Tony, do you know why he just works and does stand-up? This is calling from George Washington. Yes. First president of the United States. No, I don't know why. Well, because it takes so long to get sets out here.

So you can spend six, seven hours in the night to get in even one set you'd be like oh I'll try to get three sets in tonight and then you spend seven hours out and you only get one or two sets so so that's that's it's it's a it's an incredibly it's incredible grind just to try to get out the first thing that actually made sense tonight thank you I appreciate yeah yeah I'm on a different wavelength you know I get that was very deep yeah. Thank you. I'm on a different wavelength, you know. That was very deep. When they told me pot was legalized in Washington, I didn't know that's what they meant exactly. Ray Easter, your family has the last name of a holiday.

Of a holiday, yeah. Has that ever affected you in a weird way? No. I heard there was another comic out here with the same last name. So I haven't found him yet. Kill him. Yeah. Kill the man.

Yes, I was going there. I'm fucking stabbing when I see him. Have you ever told the chick, all right, here comes the Easter Bunny? The chocolate Easter Bunny. Sad chocolate Mr. Bunny. Sad to admit, but yes. You have? Yes. That is awesome.

You're a Postmates driver. What's your least favorite place to pick up from? Is there a place that you hate? Fucking downtown LA. Just the whole city? Egg Slut? No, that downtown. Yeah, Egg Slut. It's a that downtown egg. Yeah, egg slut.

It's a restaurant downtown. It makes sense to me. I'm sorry. All right, we'll be fine. Anyways. Yeah, a lot of fucking crazy people. Oh, boy. All right, yeah.

Okay. Oh, boy. Ray, what's the most interesting thing that's happened to you this year? Anything in the world? Wait, is it this year? I don't know. It might be. I think it is. I think it is.

Wow. So is that. There he goes. Beethoven, ladies and gentlemen gentlemen That was it now I thought Beethoven was a dog Alright Ray well we have to end the show Thanks for coming on there goes Ray Easter everybody He's on Twitter at RayEasterComedy

This is tonight's drawing from Ryan Chey-E-Belt Those prints are available at RyanChey-E-Belt.com So is the Kill Tony poster I'm on the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour for the next three months, basically. I'm touring continuously. But in the month of August, it is the real Monster Energy Outbreak Tour. I go all around the country, traveling around with me. The one and only Abraham motherfucking Lincoln, Jeremiah Watkins, is going to be with me.

20-some different cities in the month of August. It's going to be an absolute blast. Motherfucking Wee Man was with us tonight, everybody. Come on. This is our last show in the belly room. We've been here for four years. Did you have fun? I had a blast.

Wee Man, we've got to get you back on again soon. I would love to be back on. I love it. I love it. Well, we love having you. Make some noise one more time for the great Wee Man, everybody. Jeremiah Watkins, what else are you plugging? This is the busiest man I know.

Just reach out to me on social media, at Jeremiah's Stand Up, and come to the Stand Up on the Spot every second Tuesday of the month here at the Comedy Store. There he is. Motherfucking Patty Reagan, the band leader, creator of Bad Chad. Anything else, Pat? Joel Jimenez is on Twitter at Mostly Sorry. I don't get to give my Twitter. Oh, yeah, you can.

Just I am Wee Man at all the feeds. Wee Man. Everybody knows that, though. They just type in Wee Man. Well, I don't know. You could get some fake one, like some funny comedian. Boner guy. Brad dude or something. You just type in Wee Man. Well, I don't know. You could get some fake one, like some funny comedian. It's a boner, guys. Brad dude or something.

You're I Am Wee Man? Yeah. I Am Wee Man on all platforms. Make sure you follow him. He's hanging out here with us most Mondays. We love you. Brian Redman, get us out of here. Live audience, thank you so much.

Alaska, this weekend. Get well, Steve-O. We love you. Four years in this room. Our last Belly-O. We love you. Four years in this room. Our last Belly Room Show. We'll see you on the patio. It doesn't matter. We can all get down and do what we like. And do what we like. From a pink-skinned Yankee to a blue-black Southerner, ditch-digger or governor, just do what you like.

Look how you like. Now don't you know we're getting busy. We can't be corrected. Shakespeare had to be there if I say what I like. I like the flow. Thank you.