KILL TONY #221
00:00 Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...
00:14 That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute?
00:40 I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winningning in an exciting live dealer studio exclusively on FanDuel Casino where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca
00:58 Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv, for everything you want for Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions of the show. Also, you can click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store,
01:21 but we have a bunch of different shows. Death Squad's going on the road to Toronto with Sam Tripoli and Dean Del Rey and myself, July 27th through 29th, August 9th through the 13th, Edmonton with Kate Quigley, and August 16th through the 20th, Minnesota at the House of Comedy with Kate Quigley.
01:44 TonyHinchcliffe.com has all your Tony Hinchcliffe tour dates. He's about to go on this big Monster Energy tour. It's going to be crazy. He's going to be in like a thousand cities. And Tony has it all at TonyHinchcliffe.com. His next couple ones, he's going to be in Fort Worth, Texas at Hyenas. He's going to St. Louis, Madison, Wisconsin, and a bunch of other dates. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. I'm proud to announce that the new Kill Tony t-shirt, the first t-shirt, is finally available for pre-order. If you go to ShopSquad.tv and click on Kill Tony to pre-order it. It's going to ship out in a couple of weeks.
02:26 Uh, and we're going to have a bunch of new shirts, uh, for kill Tony in the upcoming months. So check out shop squad dot TV. They also have desk squad shirts and hats shop squad dot TV. Ryan J E belt. He's the house artist.
02:42 He draws every single episode. You can always go to his website to buy the new poster or past episode prints That's ryanjebelt.com And last but not least Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony And hit subscribe And now here's a new episode of Kill Tony.
03:18 Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hello, everybody. Can you guys make some fucking noise? I don't know what that dog shit is, but I will have nothing to do with that. God damn it. We're the number one live podcast in the world.
03:36 Brian Redband is here, everybody. Hey, guys. Hello. The house artist, Ryan J. Ebeld, the great Ryan J. Ebeld, is here drawing tonight's episode. He draws every single episode, and all those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com.
03:51 He also drew the official Kill Tony poster, which is available at ryanjebelt.com. I'm pretty excited about everything, Brian. I am, too. We have some shocking news. You do? Yeah. Really? Shocking news?
04:02 I like shocking news. The brand new first ever Kill Tony shirt is now available at shopsquad.tv. You can't even turn that around, can you? It's an awesome shirt. It says Kill Tony. It's red.
04:19 It's fucking great. So that's all available at shopsquad.tv. Last week I was talking about how I like to use fancy lotions. Yeah. You remember that? Can I tell you, I tried something else out this week that is the most amazing thing in the fucking world. Dollar Shave Club.
04:39 Any Dollar Shave Club fans out there? I'm telling you. It's the smarter choice. You can get a great shave at a great price, conveniently delivered right to your door. Oh, I know, I know. And it's not that cheap shit, like those gimmicky things you buy at the store,
04:52 like with those gel strips. Yeah, give me a break with those things. It's a no-brainer, because it's delivered right at your door. And when I use my... When I use my Dollar Shave Club executive razor with the Dr. Carter's shave butter.
05:08 The blade, this blade, Brian, gives me such a smooth shave. Do you guys see this? Yeah, look, I shaved also. For a limited time, new members get their first month of the executive razor
05:22 with a tube of their Dr. Carver's shave butter for only $5. And that's a $15 value, Tony. For only $5. And the shipping is also free. And after that, razors are just a few bucks a month. And there's no hidden fees.
05:36 No commitments. You can cancel any time, like tomorrow. But you wouldn't want to do that because after your first month, replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price. Yes. There's no hidden fees, no commitments. You can cancel anytime you like. You can get this offer exclusively at dollarshaveclub.com slash kill. That's drshaveclub.com slash kill. Yeah. It's an awesome. How many of you in the audience are going to go do that right now. It's an awesome life hack, guys. It is. It's a great shave at a great price
06:12 conveniently. It's the smarter choice. It's the Dollar Shave Club. Seriously, guys. Check them out. They're awesome. You guys ready to start this show or what? Should we bring out the guests first? Why don't we do that? Every single week we have two of our funniest friends in the world on this show.
06:31 This is one of the few shows ever, ever, ever, in which we are having an exact repeat guest. These two guests have been on together before, and it was literally one of our favorite episodes ever. Undeniably awesome. They're back again. Put your hands together for the great Kirk Fox and Kevin Nealon. Huh?
06:56 L.A. Speedweed, by the way. We love them. I get all my weed delivered by L.A. Speedweed. There they are. I get all my weed delivered by L.A. Speed Weed. There they are. Two of the biggest names and the tallest bodies in all of stand-up comedy. Between the two of us, Tony, you've got 13 feet of comedy.
07:15 I love that. Sometimes 14, depending on our mood. And posture, and posture. You guys are the subway party sub of stand-up comedians. Thank you, Tony. It's nice of you. So is this mic, how's the volume on mine? Not high enough, I say. Am I talking into the right end? Yeah.
07:29 Okay. Why is his a little higher than mine? Are we even? No, you're actually way higher. I don't think so. It's the mustache. It does something to you. All right. The mustache is...
07:40 You just work the controls. Don't speak. Don't speak. All right. I like it, man. You just worked the controls. Don't speak. Don't speak. All right. I like it, man. Is someone doing their homework in the first row, or is that an artist? That's the house artist, Kirk. You've done this show about 35 times with him right in front drawing the episode. This is the first time I've actually looked out there.
08:01 Hey, Tony, why is it called Kill Tony? Well, I mean, that's a good Well, I mean that's a good question Kevin There's a few different possible ways to look at it It could almost be words of encouragement Like Kill Tony, it's your show, let's do this Who would ever think of looking at a positive slant on that? Right, exactly It could be maybe the comedian that got called up here
08:21 Got so mad at me that they wanted to kill me That seems more like it Maybe the comedian that got pulled out of the bucket wanted to do good, so it's like kill in front of Tony. Maybe all the other names were taken. Make him laugh, like that type of kill Tony. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, okay, sorry I asked.
08:36 And there's also sort of like... Dollar Shave Club is the smarter choice at a great price, conveniently delivered right to your door. It's an awesome life hack. And a no-brainer. All right. You know what I love about this show is the band. Who loves bands, huh?
08:53 I know I do. I like to say I have the best damn band in the land. Put your hands together for them. It's the Kill Tony Band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez. You guys got to make more noise than that, live audience. I don't know what's going on out there
09:08 tonight. I need more. What's up with that second level? Energy? Energy? Ooh. Oh, Jeremiah's got his favorite. Uh-oh. Oh, wow. I really... Every week, they do different characters. Are these pool boys or something?
09:26 They're porn stars. He's fucking a box of pizza but he ate it obviously. Wow. Okay. Porn stars. I feel bad I had a slice of that pizza in the back. I didn't know it was a problem. With the ricotta?
09:42 Why are they called the Kill Tony band? They're the band for the I see what you're doing Call back Do you guys see what our bass player has in his holster? Yeah it was a giant dildo Nice Before we started he said my name is Girth Brooks
09:59 Is that a giant? Would that be considered a big penis? I think so Okay, that's good to know Hey, did somebody order this pizza? Porn stars, how are you guys? Good, hey Tony I'm an amalgamation of
10:18 My favorite black porn stars You ever fuck an amalgamation before? No It's a next level gangbang Alright porn stars. You ever fucking amalgamation before? No. It's a next level gangbang. All right. Seriously, did somebody order a pizza right here? Extra sausage, I'm guessing, right?
10:37 Light on the cheese. Okie dokie. Well, the band's here. It looks like we're going to be dealing with porn stars all night tonight. Kevin Nealon, Kirk Fox, Brian Redband, Ryan J.E. Belt. All the cameras are on. We're live streaming to tens of thousands right now. You guys ready to start this show or what?
10:56 Everything is in position. The bucket of destiny is filled with names. Anything can happen. I pull a name out of this bucket. You know how it works. Some people signed up before the show and you get 60 seconds on the stage. You know your 60 seconds
11:14 is up when you hear the sound of a kitty? Yeah. Seriously, did somebody order this pizza or what? Yeah. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There we go. You guys ready to start the show or what? Here we go.
11:38 All right. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Your first person could be one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world, could be a completely insane homeless person. You never know what's going to happen on this show. How many of you are fans of this show? All right. Your first comedian going up tonight goes by the name of Roger Lopez.
12:01 Here he comes from deep in the back. Hey everybody, my name is Roger Lopez. And uh, shit. So on some nights, there's this one place called Dub Club, it's on the Echoplex. One of the nights they have reggae music. And one night I wasn't out of breath. And I was dancing like this, right? And then all of a sudden I feel these two hands on my waist.
12:35 And I'm thinking, what the fuck, man? I look behind me and it's this big black dude. And then he looks at me. He's like, oh, shit. I'm like, yeah, dude, what are you trying to fuck me? And then he looks me in the eyes, he's like, don't tell nobody. He walked away, I just stood there laughing, because I knew I was going to tell everybody.
12:57 That was it, thank you guys very much. You don't want to... You have 20 seconds left. You're going to get down on that? Is that it? Hey, everybody. I lost my right testicle in March. But don't worry, because it's gotten a lot bigger. So now I'm rocking, like,
13:18 one big gong in between my legs. All right. I wish we never would have gone there. Did you lose a testicle in March? Yeah, I did. Was it to the big black guy? No, it was genetics. Genetics, yeah.
13:35 You don't want to get genetics, man. And it happened in March? It took that long and it was genetics? I found out in February and it took the health care and all that shit, like the process to like March. Well, you also dropped the ball with your set tonight. So you found out in February you were going to lose a ball in March. Yeah.
13:54 So for that month, did you just do a lot of extra stuff with that ball, knowing that you were going to lose it? Isn't it funny that you get last 20 seconds is more important than the main meat of the set with the black guy? Yeah, that's true. Or the lack of meat of the set with the black guy. Yeah, that's true. Or the lack of meat of the set, you know what I mean? Whatever you lost. But that story was riveting, man. When the guy grabbed you from behind, I thought, oh, man, what's going to happen? And it turned out nothing happened except you lost the ball.
14:17 How long ago did that happen? Was that back when you were with the Mars Volta? Or more recent? Did you lose weight when you got on the scale? Did you lose weight after you lost that ball? Oh, yeah, I lost a lot of weight. How much does the ball weigh? 14 pounds. Like 12 pounds. Because I tried to weigh one ball and it's really hard. Did you get a scale that
14:39 people weigh their food on? No, no, it's just a regular scale. Do you ever think they took the wrong one? No, no. I mean, the regular scale. Do you ever think they took the wrong one? No, no. I mean, the odds are, if you're taking, you got two. Odds are they took the wrong one. Did you have an option to get an implant?
14:56 Because, yeah, did you go with one? Yeah, well, I thought it was going to be one out, one in, but then I'm going to have to do a whole new surgery to get the implant in. Are you going to go bigger? That's how they get you. They're not going to do it all at once. Did you ever think of once they took one ball, why not go ahead with the whole transgender
15:12 surgery? No, what the fuck? That would have been a good opportunity right there. Did you see the ball when they took it out? No, I get that question a lot though. But do you get it in the tone that I did? This cool? I didn't hear it. They make a good keychain,
15:27 I bet you. Yeah, well... You didn't get it in a jar or anything like that? No, that would have been... I riffed when my doctor was saying, I can bring it... You riffed with your doctor? Yeah, when I told him I was losing it and then he... Do you ever think you'll have half a kid someday? You know, I'm not kidding
15:43 around, but when they take the ball out, they don't just cut open the sack. They have to go in through under the belly button, right? And go down? No, it's like by our pubes. They shave our pubes and then they fish it out. Yeah, but you don't cut the sack open. No, my girlfriend thought that, but I think all my fluids were just... Roger. You have to pay extra for the sack
16:02 these days. Roger, let me ask you a question. What happened exactly? What's the exact condition called in which you lost your testicle? Just to stick you to the cancer, some enema, 1A, or type. Stage 1, it's the best kind of cancer you can get. Yeah, I'd come up with something funnier. That's a complicated thing. That is a really good cancer.
16:20 I wish I got that. It's like top two cancers, top two. Stage 1 is basically the main room of cancers. It's the stage that you want to be on. It's not bad. Which, by the way, before I forget to mention, this is you are at the first official full-time main room Kill Tony.
16:38 We moved from the belly room full-time last week. The number one live podcast in the world. Shout out to the great Sam Tripoli just peeking his head in over there, everybody. We love him. You know, recapping, Tony,
16:55 I think, Roger, you should have started off with the testicle thing and closed with the tall black guy grabbing you. And maybe you told him at the end that you only have one ball, and then he changed his mind. Maybe he would have got on it. Would you rather lose a ball or an eye?
17:14 A ball. Hell yeah. We need both our eyes. Do you? Not really. Well, has anything changed with your ejaculation since losing that ball? No, it's been the same, if not more, I'll put. Why do you always look at them when you answer the questions?
17:31 Is there a teleprompter over there? I just try to feel like I got to connect with everybody. Do you know other famous people, Roger, that are missing a ball? Yeah, you got Lance Armstrong, you got Tom Green, and then you got my Uncle Pedro. Your Uncle Pedro is who I was thinking about. Yeah, Uncle Pedro. Uncle Pedro is who I was thinking about. Yeah, Uncle Pedro. Uncle Pedro came to my mind first. And then the other guys later.
17:50 Why do I feel like Uncle Pedro had a soccer ball removed? It's because they love playing in parks. Mexican people do. You got a little Richard Ramirez going. I've been told, yeah. I don't kill people, though. What do you do for work? I come string cheese. I don't do anything really, but I do audience work. I don't kill people though so What do you do for work I come string cheese
18:05 I don't do anything really but I do audience I don't know what he said I do do audience work What Roger can you answer I come string cheese Okay Jeremiah You do audience warm up you start rooms clapping No no I don't do warm up I'm the one I'm the fucking sheep clapping
18:22 What are the odds For what For 10 bucks an hour it's are the odds of... For what? For $10 an hour, it's not bad on tax, folks. For what show, Roger? Oh, there's a bunch. It's like a company that gets... What show did you do most recently? I remember doing J-Lo's show,
18:36 The World of Dance. That was one of the best shows I've seen. Because most of the time... Do you clap differently since you lost your ball? Do I what? Do you clap differently? No, no ball? Do I what? Do you clap differently? No, no. Still the same?
18:47 Good tempo? Do you worry about losing your other ball? Yeah, I do sometimes, but the statistics are very low. I went to the doctor. What are the odds of losing your dick? Hopefully zero. Hopefully zero. It could happen.
19:03 What if they just started removing parts of your body from now on? No, that's why I unsubscribed from the donor list. What if you found out you didn't need your ball removed and the doctor just collects balls? No, it was hard like a rock.
19:24 The right one was just mostly tumor. Did you autograph your ball and give it to a little kid after this happened? Was this at a hospital or in a garage? No, it was at the hospital at the Kaiser where I live. Kaiser is the best. It's good to give a shout out to Kaiser. Maybe they'll give you free ball removal the next year. Kaiser is the shit, dude.
19:45 All right, Roger. What are your hopes and goals in life? What's your biggest dream? I come string cheese. At this comedy game, George Collins, one of my favorites, and the way he went out just doing comedy until he died. He died from comedy? By your cancer history, that's going to be sooner than later, Roger.
20:04 Oh, no, no. I got a CT scan results today. I'm good again, so no cancer. Man, he can get that room clapping. He is good. Yeah, yeah. He's on the ball. All right, there he goes, Roger Lopez, everybody, your first person here tonight.
20:24 Roll on out of here. He passed his CT scan, guys. He's on Twitter at Roger Lopez. Wow, you're the Roger Lopez? You got that handle, dude? Have you seen his brother George Lopez? That's his biggest credit. He's at Roger Lopez on Twitter.
20:41 That's incredible. Is it the real Roger Lopez? I can't believe it. There must be so many people that are mad at you, Roger Lopez. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. If handwriting is an indicator of this person, then we are in for a treat. Put your hands together for Jeff Farohohe. Make some noise.
21:14 This is North Hollywood, right? Where are we at? This is dead. Come on. That's it? All right. So I'll just jump right into it. Talk directly into the mic.
21:21 Directly into the mic. Put your hands together for Jeff Rohe, everybody. It's actually Fruity. I didn't choose it. So it's Fruity Put your hands together for Jeff Rohe, everybody. It's actually Fruity. I didn't choose it. So it's Fruity. My last name's Fruity. Didn't want to open with that one, but we'll just go with this. So favorite movie. Anybody have a favorite movie? Want to shout out?
21:35 My favorite one's Goodfellas. So actually at my house, I have a copy of Goodfellas still on the plastic wrapper. And you know why I left it in the wrapper? It was out of respect. Oh, nobody would know? Alright. So I was cuddling one time with my girlfriend,
21:52 ex-girlfriend actually, but I bumped two, she had two bumps on the top of her head. And I dated her a couple months later and I ended up finding out that they're horns. So, this next one is called Black Puma Socks. I just recently moved to Long Beach with my brother.
22:11 It's cool, but he likes to wear my clothes. It's cool, but he skateboards and does other things. He'll jerk off in my socks. I think it's all right because we all do it, but just don't use the same one I'm using. You know, like, just use a different... Alright, thank you. Alright.
22:35 How do you feel right now, Jeff? Look at that mic. See what it's doing? It's running away from you. Where's Weed Man when we need him? Yes, Jeremiah Watkins. How long have you been an ultimate Frisbee professor? Awesome. Awesome.
22:52 Awesome. I'm actually an adult star of porn. Jeff, over here. You don't have to actually answer that, Jeff. Tony, I met this guy last week. If I'm not mistaken, this is your first time ever doing stand-up, right? First time. Wow.
23:11 You would never know. You would never know. Man, I never would have guessed that. It seemed like your first time doing anything in public. That's what I would have guessed. But I will tell you, Tony, he covered a lot of topics. Yeah? I mean, we started with Seven, the the movie Goodfellas was his favorite movie
23:29 And then we went right into the sock Good thing that guy didn't say Goodfellas That would have been a problem But I'm just reliving the whole act right now I mean you really took us on a ride You know Started with Goodfellas and you tied everything back to Goodfellas Which was good
23:44 It was I saw Baby Driver over the weekend And your set reminded me of Thank you. You know, starting with Goodfellas, and you tied everything back to Goodfellas, which was good. It was. I saw Baby Driver over the weekend, and your set reminded me of there was a period where I choked on popcorn for a second and almost died, and it was really uncomfortable. Will you ever do this again? Yeah. Really? Okay. I want this to be my first time. Where are you from? I was born in Michigan.
24:03 Born in Michigan. Can I just say his delivery was a little off? Jeremiah is the pizza guy. Yeah. You know what? Next time you get up there, just take a breath. Get some air inside you so that you can project a little. I didn't hear much.
24:27 But I know that you had intention. You wanted to be heard, so that's important. But next time you've got to get some air, slow it down, and speak into the mic. And just trust that you might have a joke in there. You might. Do you feel that you have a joke in there? I think so. Why are you so angry and mean to him? No. joke in there. You might. Do you feel that you have a joke in there? I think so.
24:48 Why are you so angry and mean to him? No, I'm happy for him. I think Kurt's being hopelessly helpful, to be honest with you. I don't think there's a chance in the world that you're ever going to actually take that note or listen to that, because I don't think you're paying any attention right now. I think the adrenaline's got here.
25:02 Did you hear anything I said? What did I say? To slow down and talk. What did I say? That's not what he said. So you did the opposite just then of what I instructed. You blew all the air out so we only heard sadness. Jeff, tighten the mic. Pull the mic up to your mouth. This is like, alright, there you go.
25:20 Keep it where you think it's going to be good. And then you see what Kevin just did? And then you talk into that end, but you keep your mouth near it. All right. Let's try this again. Project. Say something. All right.
25:30 Say, thank you, Kirk. Thank you, Kirk. No, a little louder. Thank you, Kirk. Louder. With a T at the end? Kurt. No.
25:38 With a K, like Captain Kirk. We're going to have to work on speaking. Jeff, did somebody hit you in the head with an aluminum bat right before you got pulled out of the bucket? It was a shovel. You know what might help you is to get a microphone to work with at home. You don't need an amp or anything, but just like speaking into like the brown or one of Roger's balls. Yeah. Just something round.
26:03 Jeff, you look like the kind of guy to me that drinks Monster Energy drink. Am I correct? Close to that? Which reminds me, I'm on the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour the entire month of August. All around the nation, every single major city. It's an awesome life hack. How long have you lived in L.A., Jeff? About four months.
26:21 Four months. You're from Michigan. You have a job now? Yeah. Oh, I start Wednesday. You start on Wednesday. You have a job now? Yeah. Oh, I start Wednesday. You start on Wednesday. Where are you starting at? Romeo Chocolates.
26:29 Romeo Chocolates. What are you going to be doing at Romeo Chocolates? I was told doing sales. I haven't started. I start Wednesday. Sales. You're selling chocolate? Yeah.
26:38 I used to do Ringling Brothers retail. Ringling Brothers? What did you do at Ringling Brothers? Retail. What were you selling? You sell elephants. So you ran away and left the circus?
26:51 Is that microphone on? It's up about 30% more than anyone else. You gotta get in on that mic. You're getting farther away from the mic. I don't think you understand this part, Jeff. It's like a really important... I've never wanted to hear someone's voice. Stay right there. Stay right there.
27:08 Just stay there. Now we're talking. But Ringling Brothers is defunct now, isn't it? They're not a circus anymore. Yes, no longer. What was the last thing you sold for them? Programs. Programs? How much was a program? They were $15. $15? What would you say to
27:23 sell them? Can you sell us on a program? You sold one program. That's probably why they went out of business. Can you sell us a program right now the way that you would? Well, if you were walking up to the stand. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest show on earth. Step on up and get your program. Take it down to the arena floor. Get it autographed one hour before the show begins.
27:43 That's right. You can meet all the performers from around the world. Bulgaria. I just messed up. Sorry. But anyways, take your program, get it autographed. That's right. Once in a lifetime opportunity, come down to the greatest show on earth. Thank you all
27:57 and enjoy. But don't forget to pick up any other souvenirs on your way in. Is everybody else ready for a nap after that? I mean, my God. No, but here's what you gotta do. You gotta sell your jokes like they're a program. It's my first time. I just want to try it out. It's a what? First time. I just want to try it out. I know. That's good. I'm just telling you the second time we want to
28:14 hear you. Kirk, if I may interrupt, Ringling is not really the greatest show on Earth. Have you seen Celine Dion in Vegas? Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Okay, Jeff. So we know you're not that good at selling Ringling Brothers stuff. Let me ask you this.
28:30 You start on Wednesday. Sell us some Romeo chocolates right now. How would you do that? Come on. Bring in the heat, Jeff. That's right. Thank you, guys. We'd like to try a single orange or single origin chocolate or a truffle. What's the difference between an origin and a truffle? It's a single origin.
28:48 What's the difference? Single origin is a type of chocolate. I've been kind of like trying to Google it. A truffle is a mushroom, isn't it? Did you just say you've been trying to Google it? Is that what you just said? You don't know, but you've been trying to Google it? As in like you can't quite Google truffle?
29:03 Like there's something like the two F's back to back or sort of... How do you try to Google something? I haven't started a job so I don't know how it's going to go. Do you like chocolate? Not really. I was actually 310 pounds in high school. Were you really? How much?
29:19 310. 310 pounds in high school. Of chocolate? That's right. I was like Violet. What do you do? What are some of your... How did you lose the weight? I just started running. You started running?
29:34 I do like five miles a day. From who? The tigers at the circus. So you're still running five miles a day? Are you ready to put that weight back on when you start selling chocolates? No, that's why I don't want a job. I want to do comedy. This is my first time.
29:47 It's fun. I like it. Did you like it? I do like it. I wish the microphone wasn't... I've never talked in a microphone, so if I get comfortable with it, I think I'd like it. In the future, there probably will be a microphone involved. Jeff, do you have any special skills or hobbies or anything like
30:04 that that you're good at or that you're into, things you do other than stand-up comedy now for the first time? Mostly I travel. I've been to 19 countries. You've been to 19 countries? Wow. You just do that on your own? Yeah, I mean, I have more material that I want to try. I don't want to give it away right now. I'd rather just wait. Yeah, save that material for me. Yeah, I know. You don't want to peak on away right now. I'd rather just wait. Yeah, save that material. You don't want to peak on your first time.
30:27 That's true. Out of all the countries you've been to, what's your favorite one? Morocco. Morocco. Why is that? It's chill. It's like the people are...
30:37 It's a very quiet country. It's a really relaxing place. No, I just... Okay, I like yourama, the hashish. I'm sorry. Let's get honest. We don't know what you're saying. You're too quiet.
30:49 Say it again. The hashish and Kitama. Let me ask you something. Step away from the microphone for a second. Just stand. Now yell something. Like if you were going to be mad at somebody and yell something, just yell it. Yell it right now on the stage.
31:02 That's your yell. That's your yell? That's your yell? Is that your yell? Like if you were going right now on the stage. That's your yell. That's your yell? That's your yell? Is that your yell? Like, if you were going to yell at the guy. And they had him selling programs. That's the joke. If you were going to yell at that guy.
31:12 See that guy waving his hands over there? That guy right there? He met him in Morocco. My boy Griff with my brother Donnie Hinchcliffe in the house, ladies and gentlemen. All right, Jeff. Well, I mean, you popped your cherry here tonight, popped your chocolate-covered cherry. I mean, I'm excited to see what happens with you. If you ever learn how to talk audibly through your mouth, it's going to really, we're going to,
31:48 I think you might have a chance in this business. Anything else for Jeff, guys? No, just, you know. I'm sorry, were you the one that lost the ball or was that the other guy? Thank you. Jeff, do you always dress like a kid that cleans up the funeral home at the end of the night?
32:07 That's a good one. I might steal that line. But no. Comedians love that one because they know it's true. They know they're going to see you at an open mic later this week going, I know, I know, I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking.
32:22 I look like a... Because you'll over set it up like that. And then our next joke will be... Hey, I like movies. Anybody here like a movie? Name some movies that you like. Anyway, my favorite movie is Goodfellas. The note that we would give you in three months
32:38 is that you don't have to ask questions like that. You could always just get right into it. But yeah, I don't think you're going to ever need to know that. It's a little dead in here, though. What? It's a little dead in here, right? It's kind of quiet. It's what?
32:48 A little quiet. It's you. You're quiet, Jeff. It's you that's quiet. Watch this. Blah, blah, blah, blah, funny, funny. Did you hear that? Did you hear that reaction they just did?
32:58 I didn't even have to do anything. I said blah, blah, funny, funny. Tony. All right. It's good. You got the first one out of the way. Congrats, and good luck, man. There he goes. Jeff Frochi. Oh got the first one out of the way. Congrats and good luck, man. There he goes. Jeff Frochi.
33:07 Oh, he's going for the handshake. Oh, shit. Please don't try to shake Kevin Nealon's hand. I like it when my guests come back to do the show again, everybody. Put your hands together one more time for Jeff. It's his first time on stage. He's got a little bit of a school shooter thing about him.
33:29 Ringling Brothers had $15 programs. That's fucked up. I can't shake that. Why do you need a program for a circus? You know what an elephant is. You're not looking at its past work. Oh, this elephant worked at Broadway for a while. Oh, we're going to like this elephant.
33:44 This was tortured in New York. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there, huh? Put your hands together for Chris Hurst. Hell yeah, you motherfuckers doing tonight, by God? Getting fucked up?
34:07 I'm higher than hell right now. These goddamn lights make me feel like I'm in the Matrix. Make me feel like Morpheus stretched both hands out, the red pill, the blue pill. I said, fuck it, took them both. Where I'm from, by God, they like pills of all colors, you know? I'm Eastern Kentucky. I moved to the city for the culture.
34:25 You know, I'm for social equality and gay rights and black rights and shit. But I be goddamned when I start saying it in this voice. I can't even say black people. I say African American and it sounds racist as shit. I get profiled all the time, I feel you guys. Hell, I can't even buy Sudafed in the surrounding counties by a guy. So imagine me, oh shit, he's bald. Imagine me just walking in there, my hair all messed up.
34:52 I can't speak English good in no way. Just walking in there looking like a hillbilly Beetlejuice. Walking in there looking like Matthew McConaughey on meth. You got any Sud of hair, man? Be a hell of a lot cooler if you did. Wow. Chris Hurst. Fuck yeah.
35:17 You're something else, man. Thanks, brother. Appreciate it. Where are you from? Eastern Kentucky. Hell yeah, you are, buddy. Real small town, Eastern Kentucky. Then I moved to Lexington about six years ago and started doing comedy there about three years past.
35:34 Wow. You're like a hillbilly that is at the end of a rainbow with a pot of gold or something like that. Thank you, brother. I appreciate that. I'm just a big hippie, man. I love that. I'm just a big hippie, man. I love everybody. And everybody kept on telling me to move out west because that's where everybody likes to party. So I like to party.
35:52 Is that what they told you? I got to tell you. I got to tell you. I couldn't see your mouth. I was behind you. But it's hard to understand your accent, by God. But I did pick up a few things. I took acid earlier today, too.
36:02 It was great. I love the Sudafed run. Thank you. You can't get Sudafed in three states? Three counties. Three counties. We use counties in Kentucky. They name things by counties.
36:12 I don't get it. I can't believe I already wasted my you-look-like-you-drink-a-lot-of-monster-energy-drink line on the last guy. I did a lot of drugs today. I didn't know I was going to get called up, but I did some acid earlier. You did acid earlier today?
36:27 You did? That's why I'm kind of like edgy right now. I feel like earlier today he was in like a business suit, clean shaven, all of his teeth, and now that you say that you've done acid, it looks like you're on acid. It all makes sense now. What was the last job you had?
36:44 Last? Well, I got one right now. Playing flute for Jethro Tull, am I correct? I drive heavy equipment in the morning, low freight and stuff. Oh, that's good. That's where the acid comes in here. I just got that job
36:59 about a week ago. I just moved here a month ago. I just packed up. How'd you lose your tooth? I got robbed one night. They wanted a tooth? Must have been a friend of his. Kevin motherfucking Nealon is in the house, ladies and gentlemen. What was in that tooth? He knocked it out when he was robbing me, but jokes on him only had ten bucks on me.
37:26 And my buddy told me, don't get it fixed because it makes it funnier on stage. I ain't got it fixed, so I figured I'd just bust the teeth and make people laugh more. Your buddy's a smart, smart guy. You know, it's hard enough understanding the accent, but when you're missing a tooth, too, it makes it doubly as hard. I used to not be able to whistle, but every now and then I can whistle sometimes because of my tooth missing. You can whistle through it? When you see a hot chick, you need to whistle. I get whistling in my eye.
37:51 When I talk sometimes, I get to whistle a little bit. Can you do it right now? No, it just happens sporadically. I don't know how to whistle. I never was taught that. You started driving heavy machinery a week ago, you said? It wasn't really heavy stuff. It was just like one of them pallet loaders that load
38:08 up shit from the 99 cent store. Of course. So I work, I live out in East L.A. My buddy told me to come live with him in East L.A. So I got one of them factory things and load stuff in the mornings. Man, we just got to get some cameras out to that place and start filming it.
38:24 You know, Tony, I've always like taken, I've seen medicine where they say do not operate heavy machinery. And I always wonder what that heavy machinery was. And he just explained what it was to me. It's basically, is it a forklift? Well, our drive is like a pallet jack. Like we pick up the items and put them on there. I can't understand a word you're saying. Like we stack the items up. Stack something up there? and put them on there. The President President of the United States of America Can't understand a word you're saying. The President President of the United States of America
38:45 Like we stack the items up. The President President of the United States of America Stack something up there? The President President of the United States of America And then I wrap it with plastic. The President President of the United States of America Nothing, nothing. The President President of the United States of America
38:53 Not getting anything out of that. The President President of the United States of America No? The President President of the United States of America No. What do you like when you're not on acid? The President President of the United States of America I smoke marijuana most of the time, but if anybody's got any free drugs, I do free drugs
39:02 if they're available. The President President of the United States of America What drugs have you done before? Name some drugs. I've done most all of them, honestly. I've tried cocaine. I just did that for a little bit. A little expensive, right? A little expensive. I got a good cocaine
39:16 joke. After you did cocaine, did you rub a little bit on where your tooth used to be? I do that on accident sometimes. Oh, fuck, it's not there. Just gotta hit it up there a little more to the gum. Do you ever inhale a joint when you suck too hard? That's a good question. Has that happened?
39:34 It's not happened yet. What other drugs have you done, Chris? I did all of them. Crystal meth? I have done meth before. What do you like to do after doing crystal meth? I'm a fan of breaking bats. Well, you'll see, I got tricked into doing it one night.
39:49 That's funny. No, I used to be a bathroom attendant for a strip club, and I used to wear a bow tie with a tuxedo. You would wear a bow tie and a tuxedo? That's a strip club I want to go to where he's working. I was like, I'd give people mints, and then I'd have 17 bottles of cologne and shit, and it was real fancy. I was like, I give people mints, and then I have 17 bottles of cologne and shit, and it's real fancy.
40:07 I reach your hand towels. Some people tip me 20s and shit. Don't you think missing a front tooth sort of cancels out the bow tie? I think it puts it on an even keel. They don't think I'm better than them. Hey, Chris, what was the last book you read?
40:25 Hot Operating Machinery? Pillars of the Earth by Ken Falk. The what? Pillars of the Earth by Ken Falk. True Story, correct? Yeah, it's a real good book. Y'all should read it. Did you read it or was it on a book on tape? No, like I moved to
40:43 like, you know, here because I read books and stuff. You came here to read books? There's no books in Kentucky. No, there's none there. This is the book capital of the world. Hollywood is the book capital. And the acid capital of the world. Chris, the book that you read, if you could give us like a one paragraph summary of it,
41:02 how would you describe that book? It's just about an old family back in when the Catholic church used to kill people and stuff, like back in the dark ages. This fella just goes around building churches. I gotta get this book. This sounds like a good story.
41:18 It's a good book, man. I could probably read all the way up to chapter two. I see what you did there. I see what you did there. I see what you did there. That's funny. Yeah. Clever.
41:29 They saw what I did, too. Tony, you found your target audience. I think so. This is it. I can't get you. This is my kind of crowd. Do you come from a wealthy family? Hell no.
41:39 I grew up poor as fuck, man. Because your clothes look kind of nice and hip. Well, I bought these at Goodwill. They're four bucks for these pants, and they're pretty. Well, somebody must have been wealthy that had those pants. But you have a certain style to you. Thanks, man. I like to party.
41:55 Well, that's the party style. That's the party style? That looks like the party style. I'm just a big hippie, man. I just dress like 70s clothes. Do you play an instrument? A few of them. You know what they're called?
42:10 The spoons? The hand bone? You play the thigh one, right? That one? I don't listen to country much. Oh. Alright. Chris, let me ask you this. What did your parents do for work? My dad used to be working the coal mines
42:27 And my mom was a stay-at-home mother Stay-at-home mother? Well, he got hurt in the coal mines Do you call it stay-at-home mother if it's a trailer? Well Was it a trailer? Yeah, I grew up in a trailer All you haters
42:42 All you wanted to groan when I said it Fuck Did your father come home Like covered with soot from the coal mines Yeah when I was little then he got like Broke down didn't do shit after that You broke down No I mean like he got hurt in the mines
42:59 And then he just watched TV and got hateful Sometimes He got hateful What was one of the most hateful sometimes. He got hateful? What was one of the most hateful things he did to you? Was he the one that robbed you? How could you possibly get hurt in a mine? Well, because it's...
43:18 Yeah, coal mine. Coal is kind of soft, isn't it? No, it's rock. It is rock. Yeah. But sometimes there's a diamond? it's rock. It is rock. Yeah. But sometimes there's a diamond? There's nothing left anymore, though. Does he ever find a diamond in a coal mine? No, I don't think so.
43:31 When you make love to a woman, is there anything special that you do in particular, like with maybe even the gap in your mouth or something like that, some trick or anything like that that you do? I try to put a pinky in the butt sometimes. You do? Yeah.
43:44 What about her butt? Kirk, ask that again. No. It's so good. I know nobody heard of it. So pinky in the butt, correct? They just got a new song. What do you do for her?
44:02 That's funny, man. Pinky in the butt. Pinky in the butt. Pinky and the Butt. That's another book, isn't it, by Ken Follett? Yeah, it's one of my favorite cartoons ever, Pinky and the Butt. That's a great one. All right. So someone tricked you into acid today.
44:17 You took it. You came here. You did some comedy. This is a good day, correct? Yeah, it's a good day. Will you eat? Will you eat some food later? Nourishment?
44:24 Food. Calm down a little bit. Calm down. Where do you live right now? Do you live in an apartment? I, it's a good day. Will you eat? Will you eat some food later? Nourishment? I'll eat some food, calm down a little bit. Calm down. Where do you live right now? Do you live in an apartment? I live in East L.A. I just moved here a month ago. Yeah, we know. We talked about this already. You're tripping your balls off right now, huh? It's alright. I also read about it. I read about him moving here
44:39 about a month ago. It was in all the papers. It's all about good vibes, man. What did you do today when you were on acid? Yeah. Just drunk a half pint of liquor, smoked a joint, and traveled around a little bit, come here and said, please find me.
44:57 Modeled for Jack-O-Lantern. So this might be the last time we see you anyway. No, I used to headline out east. I've been doing comedy for three years. I plan on doing comedy as a... Would you consider being an Uber driver? I got some shows coming up. You could always drive Uber, right?
45:13 I make pretty good money. The little job I'm doing right now. It's a lot of hard work, but I've always worked hard. What do you make an hour on something like that? Like $13.50. You have a dog? No, I don't have an animal. Have you ever had a dog? When I was little, but it died. That's surprising. Overdose?
45:28 Two shots? I'm sorry, guys. It's all right. Just one? What? Just one? Well, you had a few dogs. Your dad get hateful and shoot them?
45:39 Did the dog die in the coal mine? No, not in the coal mine. Last question. Have you ever made moonshine? My uncle, Bobby Wright, used to supply half of Kentucky moonshine. Didn't hear what you said, but it sounded... I heard it. I didn't understand it. I heard it. I didn't understand it. My uncle, Bobby Wright. Bubby Wright. Bubba Wright. Bubby. Bubby. Wow. It's just when you think it couldn't get any more white trash than Bubba. Bubby.
46:07 Bubby Wright. Bubby Wright. You sell moonshine. You just get it by the courts. It wasn't that flavored shit either because that flavored shit wouldn't get you as drunk. You are every show on A&E put together. There he goes, everybody. Chris Hurst.
46:24 Kevin. Chris Hurst. Sorry. Chris Hurst. Great job, Chris. He's on Twitter. What the fuck? The one they call Mr. Wow, I could feel that little whistle right over
46:40 my neck when you did that. The one they call Mr. Mr. The one they call Mr. Mr. The one they call Mr. MR. I wonder what someone like that has for a goal. What is their goal? What is your biggest goal, Chris? Say it from there.
46:56 Being a professional comedian. What? What? Not always you ask what my goals are. Yes, talking to the mic, first of all. Ask that again. What's your dreams? What are your biggest goals?
47:10 I want to be a professional comedian. What else? Party. Party. When you start making that money, just start with a tooth. Trust me. Tony, you know... Just start with a tooth, man.
47:30 You leaned in on me, you breathed on me, and it's not good. Tony. Yeah. I'm really depressed. I'm getting really depressed up here. You are? I mean, just one after another, and Trump's president, and what's happening with the country? What happened?
47:47 You know, anything can happen. Everybody's just checking out. I mean. Let's take a break. We'll come back. We need to build a wall. Get a great shave at a great price conveniently delivered to your door with dollarshaveclub.com. Slash kill.
48:07 No contracts. Hey, Tony, for the listeners, Jeremiah took off. He had to deliver a pizza, so now we got the bass man, Girth Brooks, joining up here. Ooh, Girth Brooks over there on the bass. Look at him. Fuck yeah. It may be too late to make this joke, but stick with me. You know those toads that they say you can lick and get
48:24 high? It looks like a princess kissed one of those and it became him. There you go. He's making fun of Chris Hurst from earlier. To answer your question, it was too late to do that joke. I knew it. I knew it. I pulled another name out of the bucket.
48:40 Put your hands together for Andrea Carlyle. Here she comes. Andrea Carlyle, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, y'all. I started microdosing on mushrooms because I told myself I was going to stop smoking weed because I do stupid shit when I get high. Like the other day, I flushed my phone down the toilet because I thought the government was in it.
49:20 You know, now this is my only one. But it's fine. I bought a new iPhone 7 because i'm a grown-ass woman i can do that my parents give me money yeah i had a really cool nickname growing up it was bitch you ain't got no ass yeah it really sucked i got made fun of all the time because i grew up in like in an all-black neighborhood and I was the only Asian and I would say I would come home crying to my mom every single day saying ridiculous shit like oh mom I wish I was black and she'd be like oh I wish your dad was black too and I was like wait what like I don't
50:00 understand like you don't love dad anymore like she said, no, I love your father. He's the only guy I've ever married. Only guy I've ever dated. Okay. Thank you. Andrea Carlisle. That's a minute. Why does she wish your dad was black? Penis?
50:22 Probably. I mean, I didn't really ask. I don't want didn't really ask. I get it. I get it. I don't want to know. Yeah. Andrea. So do people still call you bitch, no ass? Probably so.
50:34 I mean, I grew up literally in an all black neighborhood. So I was like, and I was really thin growing up. So, you know, I didn't have any curves. So I was made fun of all the time. Yeah. Some things never change. Andrea, how long have you been doing stand-up? Well, off and on.
50:51 Well, okay, I started in end of 2013, on and off. And then I got into a musical duo, which was like the most embarrassing thing ever. Was it Simon and Garfunkel? Huh? Was it Simon and Garfunkel? No. It was worse. Like, just no.
51:04 Loggins and Messina? It was just really embarrassing. How did you know it was an all-black neighborhood? Did you check every house? I did. No. I mean, everyone in my neighborhood was black. Except our family.
51:15 Hey, I have a question. Did you grow up in an all-black neighborhood? Wouldn't it be an all-black, partially Asian neighborhood then? I guess so. Yeah. All black except our family. Well my dad is half Spanish. I mean.
51:33 Your dad is what? Yeah he's half Spanish. Half what? Spanish. So he's a part time taxi driver? No. What does that mean? I don't know. Half Spanish half what? Filipino. What's your mom? I don't know. Half Spanish, half what? Filipino. What's your mom?
51:48 Full Filipino. Okay. So you say you did stand up often on 2013, and then you weren't descriptive of when this musical duo started. When did that start? It started, like, at the end or, like, the middle of 2014, and then I ended it, like. Why did you end it?
52:05 You ended it. You're making a point to make sure that we all know that your musical partner didn't end this. Is that laugh that you do when something's not actually funny, but you're uncomfortable? Do you know you do that,
52:17 or do you not notice that you do it? I guess now I notice it. There it is. Yeah, I had a feeling that was coming. It's easy to end a duo. You just walk away and they become a solo. It happens quick. What kind of duo was it? Was it like rap? What was the
52:34 name of it? How many were in the duo? It was called Andy and Mandy and I'm sure some of you witnessed it. No, nobody witnessed that ever. Okay, good. At all. Good, good. We would go up at the show, go up a lot. Oh. And you think these people,
52:52 this room, was these people? Or who are you talking to when you say you've probably seen it before? I'm sure some comics have seen it. There you go. Yeah. I just want to make sure you're clear for the podcast listeners that even you laughed at the thought of that comedy duo. Yeah, just, you know. What do you do for a living? You make mistakes.
53:10 I do acting, and I also teach bar. You know, bar. It's like the ballet bar. Yeah. Oh, that bar. You teach ballet bar? Yeah. Your legs are amazing. Thank you. I wasn't expecting to come up on stage. I would have worn pants. Do you get a discount?
53:26 What do you mean? For the classes. Who's that? Oh. I mean. Never mind. If the ballet bar was vertical, you could probably make more money. No, I would be horrible.
53:40 I know. I would be really bad. Where would they stick the bills? Not between our butt cheeks. Can you name some of the songs that you and your musical duo had? No. No, you can't?
53:53 We had this. It was a rap montage. Oh, he knows about it. Can you name some of the songs that your musical duo had? There was one called Shave. Oh, that was yours? Yeah. You know what what that reminds me of? The Dollar Shave Club. You can get this offer
54:10 exclusively at dollarshaveclub.com slash kill. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash kill. Great shave. Great price. Hell yeah. It's a no-brainer. Have you ever thought about just knocking a tooth out? Just randomly knocking a tooth out? Not just randomly knocking a tooth out.
54:26 Yeah, and then just trying some jokes. If someone pissed me off, yeah. All right. Yeah. I mean, it worked for Kid Rock. You know, he kind of looks like Deputy Dan from Forrest Gump, sort of. I had a feeling that wasn't going to work. No, I'm not feeling like that.
54:46 I wasn't trying to make a joke. I was just saying what I thought it would be. Andrea, you take all the stereotypes about women in comedy and... Anyway... Andrea, where do you see yourself in ten years from now, Andrea? Where do I see myself in ten years? And I don't mean a state, like Michigan, but
55:07 career-wise and family. I'd like to have my own show. Your own show? Yeah. And what would it be? I used to want a sitcom. I actually wrote my own pilot. Is it about growing up Filipino?
55:24 No. Do you want to hear what it's about? Is it about growing up Filipino? No. Do you want to hear what it's about? Is it called Fresh Off the Plane? No. Is it called All Black? No. What is it called? Asian-ish?
55:41 It's called... Do you really want to hear what it's called? It's called Bronze Digger. Because when I first moved out here... Sounds racist. It's about a really bad gold digger. That's a good title. Go on. It's about a really bad gold digger
55:55 because my first roommate, when I moved out here, tried to get me to be a gold digger and I didn't want to do it. Too much work? Huh? I just didn't want to do it. I was dating someone else or whatever. Would you rather work in a coal mine?
56:09 Yeah, probably so. What's it called? Some news about Bronze Digger. We just found out it did not get picked up by YouTube. Oh, well. They didn't want to sign on to the pilot. Bronze Digger. Bronze Digger is the name of my favorite monster truck
56:27 What's the longest relationship you've had, Andrea? Two years Two years? Yeah And were you in it? Sorry, Kevin Was I in it? Were you part of that?
56:38 Was that the duo you were talking about? No And do you still keep in touch with that person? No, he's in Houston. This was like years ago. Oh, they don't have telephones there, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have any other show ideas? Like, you know, it's always
56:54 sunny in Manila. Oh my god, I was just... Keep them coming. Perhaps like Rucky Rui or something like that? No, I don't. No. Do you have any Filipino jokes? Like specifically Filipino Spanish jokes?
57:11 I did it. It's always sunny in Manila. I did that. Can I ask a stupid question? Sure. Filipino, is that with a PH or an F? Oh my God. It says with an F.
57:23 But some people spell with a PH, yeah. But that's wrong? spell it with a PH, yeah. But that's wrong? Philippines is with a PH. Is there an F in there anywhere? Filipino is spelled with an F. Isn't it kind of like racist to add an O to the end of that? Filipino.
57:41 Should it just be Philippine? Well, technically, if you're talking about a girl, it's Filipina. But that's only really, like, in the Philippines. No one here really knows. Do you have a group of people that, like, you hang out with that you're sort of like? Are you sort of part of any, like, Rat Pacquiao? See, that's specifically a Filipino joke. That was actually funny.
58:01 No, thank you, Andrea. I know I'm a professional comedian and writer, one of the top young comedians in the world. I actually love racist jokes. Tony, can I ask a question? And this is a very serious question. And I'm not trying to be funny, but is there a little Filipino city in Los Angeles? Is there a little Filipino? Yes. Wow. That lady sounds like she lives right next to it and
58:20 hates it. Yeah, there is. They're the worst. Yeah, there's like a Filipino town. I think it's near downtown or something. It's not near Koreatown. That would be confusing. We actually have live audio of Little Filipino right now. Do you drive, Andrea?
58:41 Yes. What kind of car do you have? I have a Mini Cooper. A Mini Cooper. Have you ever gotten into an accident? Yeah, but I make a bad driver joke What kind of car do you have? I have a Mini Cooper Have you ever gotten into an accident? Yeah, but I got hit twice They're both Russian Would you ever want a full-size Cooper? No
58:56 No, Mini is fine Mini's enough for you? A lot of Russians just hit cars to meet people Really? One was a guy, one was a girl. They were both texting. They were texting each other? You got sandwiched?
59:11 If it was a black Mini Cooper, you could be hanging with Mr. Cooper. Oh, my God. Mark Curry? Nobody? Mark Curry? I like that show. Two for seven so far tonight.
59:23 That was an okay show. Andrea, do you date any color people? Not colored people, but any color of Asian or Caucasian or black? Do I date anyone? Yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty open. Are you specific for any race? No, I'm pretty open.
59:38 You've been with a black man? I've been with a half black man. Which half? The lower half. Nice. Which half? The lower half. Nice. It's just a blowjob. Would you date, you know, I used to date a Chinese girl. Really?
59:50 And she did not want to go out with Chinese guys. Oh, yeah. Would you date a Filipino? Or a Filipina? To be honest, no. No, you don't like your own kind. It's just because it's like you're dating your brother or sister. That's it. Because it's all inbreeding.
01:00:05 I've done that. It's weird. I don't know. It's weird. I could see that coming from Appalachia, but not from Filipino. I feel like mixed babies are always a good idea. Chris Hurst, your last comedian, has no problem fucking his sister. We know that for a fact.
01:00:18 He's into that type of thing. I've got to be honest. You should write something for you and Chris. I'd watch that. That'd be a good duo. That'd be a good duo. Are you down? Toothless in Seattle or something like that. I'll produce it.
01:00:37 Toothless in Manila. Maybe I'll look into it. Oh, shit. All right, Andrea. Well, it was nice to meet you. Rock and roll. There she goes. Andrea Carlisle is on Twitter at Andrea Carlisle1.
01:00:53 C-A-R-L-I-S-L-E 1. We're having fun. You guys having fun out there, huh? Tony, I gotta tell you, I'm surprised at how good natured everybody is that comes up here. I mean, you would think that they would run off crying or be very angry, but everybody's very...
01:01:14 I guess maybe they're all just on acid. It's one of those things, you know. They want to, you know, they come back sometimes and they get redemption. Sometimes they come back and bomb again. Yeah, yeah. I can't tell you how excited I am for this. This is... back sometimes and they get redemption. Sometimes they come back and bomb again. Yeah. I can't tell you how excited I am for this. The Twitter handle is scribbled out.
01:01:31 If you're a real fan of this show, you know that I have a theory that anytime it's a one-word comedian, it's usually exciting in some way. This is extra special because I'm pretty sure there's about 30 people in this room that could fall under this name. I'm excited about this one. Put your hands together for
01:01:48 whoever signed up as Tom. Was there a human named Tom that signed up and then halfway scribbled out their Twitter handle afterwards? Tom? You're blacklisted, Tom. All right. I had a feeling.
01:02:10 Sometimes it's just like special people walking down the sidewalk. They just sign up and leave. Oh, boy. One of our most recent new favorite guests on this show. Put your hands together for Kevin Mack. What's up, guys? I was on Tinder the other day. Saw a girl in a wheelchair.
01:02:51 And I was like, wow. Don't they have their own? I mean, that's fair, right? They have their own parking spaces, their own bathrooms, their own ramps. But what would you call it? Roller? I think midgets should have their own dating site too. You could call it Spark. That's a short joke, guys. Come on, keep up. Fuck.
01:03:23 I think it's funny in movies when people kill people with a pillow and they suffocate them. And the whole time they do it, they just whisper, just let go. Just let go. He's under a pillow, you fuck. Maybe you want to yell what you want him to hear. It's just a thought. There he is, Kevin Mack. Wow, Kevin. Welcome back to the show.
01:03:52 Thanks for having me. Now, for those of you that are wondering why I said he's one of our more favorite guests, and then he came up and sort of bombed for 60 seconds, let me explain. Questionable. You're working on new material, which is cool, and we get that. We've seen you be funny on this show before, but for those of you that
01:04:07 might not know, this is the Kevin Mac that is famous on this show for having the douchiest Instagram posts we've ever heard of in our entire life. The king of the hashtags, Kevin Mac. Now, you guys, Kevin and Kirk, he wasn't on last time
01:04:24 you guys were here, right? No. You wouldn't even quite believe. What the fuck is that? It's something I wish I didn't see. Oh, that's almost like too cute. I like it when he's douchier. Do you not notice anything strange about that picture? What? Look closely. Okay. Look very, very closely. Which part? You have to be more specific. The other guy.
01:04:47 Yeah, so don't know. I know it's Jeremiah Walken. There's Vladimir Putin taking a shit. But that's sort of good. I don't want any good ones. There you go. There's one. Where did Jeremiah go?
01:04:57 Let's start here. So we have new posts since the last time you've posted this. You guys ready to play a game called King of the Douches with Kevin Mac? I think you're going to like it. You're literally not going to believe what this guy does, what he says on his Instagram post. This is a new one from June 17th. Now, I like to read exactly what he says. You see the picture here, live audience.
01:05:22 I always like to let you know exactly what the caption exactly says. Very photogenic. Thank you, Rick Fox. Thank you. I'm going to read it to you, and then we're going to, Brian and I then rattle off the hashtags afterwards. But look at this picture, everybody. Here it goes. Original Kevin Mack says, those who say you can't are hoping you won't. They want you to fail so that they don't have to face their lack of motivation. Hashtag motivation. Hashtag motivational quotes. Hashtag man. Hashtag believe.
01:06:01 Hashtag work. Hashtag drive. Hashtag no days off No, never Hashtag grind Wait, you're missing the ER at the end of that, Kevin Yeah, I am Sometimes I slip Hashtag dream
01:06:20 Hashtag dreams Plural, baby Some people have more than one Some people have more than one Some people have more than one Once you post that With all the hashtags Does it ever happen where you think of another one And you go oh if only I remembered that
01:06:35 Yeah and then there's an edit option So you just go in and add it Yeah but people see that Does it change everything when you add that Sometimes yeah sometimes it changes lives Do you add that? Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes it changes lives. Do you ever do hashtag, hashtag? No. Damn.
01:06:50 I'm going to be editing tonight. Kevin, what was your childhood like, honestly? Yeah, was it hashtag lonely? I grew up in an all black and somewhat Asian neighborhood. No, but like really, what was your childhood like? No, I really, I really, I grew up in an all-black and somewhat Asian neighborhood. No, but like really, what was your childhood like? No, I really, I really, I grew up in Detroit. I was like the only white kid for five square miles. And again, I'm going to say nice legs for you too.
01:07:12 Thanks, man. Thanks, Kevin. You teach bar? I don't. Kevin, last time you were on, we read some of your Instagram posts. And did you notice an influx of perhaps new fans or comments? I don't know that I would call them fans, but yeah. Very outspoken Kill Tony fans, for sure. Did anybody leave any comments that you remember?
01:07:33 Do you want a few? I remember a few. Vividly. You say that like you see them in your nightmares. I see them in my hashtag dreams. Let's see some of the toppers. Hashtag hope your mom dies. Is your mom alive? She is. She is.
01:08:05 She's barely hanging on. Thanks a lot, dickface. Hashtag kill yourself. Hashtag dick in the ass. That one was me. I sent him that one. He did. That was. He did.
01:08:16 He spelled it wrong. All right, Kevin. All right, Kevin. I think the best one was, Kevin, I'm here from Kill Tony. I just wanted to let you know that I followed you only so that I could tell you every day how much I hope your face gets burnt off by some man's herpes. Wow. Jesus. You do vividly remember that.
01:08:36 All right, ladies and gentlemen, here's one more king of the douche bag for you. Look at this picture, everybody. I mean, fake face tattoo on this one? Yeah, that's from a movie I did. Oh, wow. Just when it couldn't get any douchier, you drop that it was in a movie. I'm a movie star. Temporary tattoo that says
01:08:51 family on it with no hashtag. I'm actually surprised the tattoo doesn't have a hashtag. The makeup artist wouldn't do it. You're wearing a fedora and it says movie swag. Has a little camera and then let, believe it or not, this is all true, by the way. We're not making up any of these hashtags.
01:09:07 Follow me at Original Kevin Mac. All it says is Movie Swag. Yes, please follow him and leave comments. Movie Swag. So that's all that it is. Was there another Kevin Mac that you had to? There is. It's an Asian dude who has never posted, and he has no followers.
01:09:22 And I've messaged him about 80 times asking him for it, and he never checks his messages. Yeah, but you're the original. Maybe if you started following him, he would answer you. I did. So you're the one follower? I'm his one follower. But he doesn't post, and he's never accepted my friend request.
01:09:39 He's Asian? Yes, I'm Asian, too. I think it's that girl's brother. Maybe you should speak to him in hashtag-a-log It's for like the four smart people That know what that language is I got it Tony that was good I like that You guys should have laughed at that you fucks
01:09:53 Thank you Joel Okay here you go here's the picture It says movie swag hashtag Hashtag actor Hashtag artist Hashtag art Hashtag movies Hashtag film Hashtag art. Hashtag movies. Hashtag film.
01:10:05 Hashtag films. Hashtag man. Hashtag character. Hashtag create. Hashtag become. What does become mean to you? I don't know. You spelled that wrong too.
01:10:23 That should be B-E-C-U-M. Here's the problem. The problem is you're so beautiful that even we can't even pick on you because you just stand there so handsome that inside you know you're hashtag winning. That's true. So it's like I just look at you and I realize that nothing would say the matter. Sorry to cut you off, Kirk, but we were only one-third of the way of hashtags on this one picture. So after Become, I lost my place.
01:10:52 Hashtag believe. Hashtag hard work. Hashtag work hard. What does that mean? Do you have a boner right now? Hashtag eyes. Hashtag jawline? Hashtag eyes. Hashtag jawline. Hashtag tattoo.
01:11:09 Hashtag tattoos. I have more than one. Wait for it. Wait for it. Everybody relax. Hashtag guys with tattoos. One of our favorites. Hang on a second.
01:11:20 Tony, before you get to the second half of the hashtags, when you're writing the hashtags, are you looking at a mirror? Yeah. Sometimes, yeah. Are you looking at yourself? Are you looking at a hashtag? Most of the time I'm sitting alone in my car. In your hashtag car?
01:11:37 In my hashtag car. In my hashtag Isuzu. Hashtag grind. Hashtag hustle. Hashtag no days off. What did you do today? I took the day off. Hashtag work.
01:11:50 Hashtag set life. Hashtag drive. Because I was in my car. Then the last one is hashtag bad boy. Now, when somebody's searching for a bad boy, Kevin, why do you feel like you're the one that you feel like you for a bad boy Kevin Why do you feel like you're the one You feel like you're a bad boy Because I have it tattooed on me twice
01:12:10 You do? Yeah that might be another of the douchiest things about me Where do you have those tattoos? I have bad lad tattooed right there Do you have bad boy tattooed next to your boy penis? And then I have bad lad I have bad lad tattooed on my lip Oh my god
01:12:24 You have a tattoo on the inside of your lower lip. Yes, I do. Why? When he spits the cum out. There you go. Red band. Good placement, red band. Well done, red band.
01:12:40 Did you get that done by a dentist? Yeah. By a biker named Chain. Did you get that done by a dentist? Yeah. By a biker named Chain. Chain's true. That's true. A biker named Chain in his kitchen. Did that hurt a lot?
01:12:55 No, it didn't actually. No. It was probably my least painful tattoo. Where would it hurt the most? In my armpit was the worst one. What did you have put in there? I've got Cambodian writing written down my side. I love Cambodian writing.
01:13:10 What does it mean? What does the Cambodian writing mean? It's Cambodian. It says hashtag dreams with men or something like that. What does it say? It says she forever holds my heart. It's for my mother. All right, moving on. You put it in your armpit?
01:13:26 What? It's for your mom, so you paid tribute to her? It ended in my armpit. Let me get a tattoo on my asshole. Yeah, you could just put an M on one butt cheek and an M on the other and spread... Alright, forget it. I love my grandma. Can I get my
01:13:43 colon tattooed grandma in Japanese? If you ever stopped being a bad boy, would you have that taken off your lip? It's on its way out. It's just kind of working its way out of my skin. You're going to change it to good boy? If someone doesn't believe you're a bad boy,
01:13:59 do you just go... I didn't think it through because if I do want to show somebody my lip I'm pouting to say I'm a bad boy it didn't make much sense when you go to Ireland do people more than likely see the bad lad tattoo than the bad boy
01:14:18 I've been to Ireland they're like oh you're a bad boy are you I was like I am Kevin you seem like you do pretty well with the ladies They're like, oh, you're a bad boy, are you? I was like, I am. And then they hit me. Kevin, you seem like you do pretty well with the ladies. The last time you made love to a woman, was that at your place, her place? What was that like? It was at her place.
01:14:33 How'd that go down? It was cool. I mean, like, what happened? How does that go for you? Her son was there, so we had to be quiet. Oh, hashtag shh. He wasn't in the bed, was he? No, his bedroom's like right
01:14:48 next door. Was the sun over 30? No. What is that playing for? Wow. Bad boys. Bad boys. And you say, I'm bombing.
01:15:03 No, you are, Kevin. You are. It was actually good. It was just the verse instead of the chorus of the song. Did the husband come home when you were there? No, he's in prison. He is? Yeah.
01:15:16 How old's the kid? She likes bad boys. He's eight. Eight? Is he a good boy or a bad boy? I don't really know him. I haven't met him. So she just makes you come over to have quiet sex with her.
01:15:30 She couldn't find a babysitter. They're hard to find, man. They are. They're tough. Tough to come by. So you kind of became the babysitter. Yeah, sort of. Have you ever had sex with two women at once? You ever hashtag team a girl? Yes.
01:15:48 What was that like for you? Wait, tag team a girl. That would be two guys. No, I haven't done two guys on a girl. I have done two girls on a guy. Me. Yeah. Threesomes are confusing, Tony.
01:16:01 Even describing them. I've had three girls on me once. Really? Yeah. Were they tattooing you at the same time? Yeah. Were you being raped? Were you raped?
01:16:12 No. Partially. When you had three girls on you at once, let me guess, your penis is inside one of them. Correct. Your mouth is going down on another one. Correct. One of them's sitting on your face, perhaps. What's the pinky doing?
01:16:23 Is that right? Correct. What's the third girl doing? She's wearing a strap-on, correct? Hashtag bad boy. Yeah, that's about right. That's about right. No, the third girl was fondling and licking my balls.
01:16:42 Wow, while the other girl was riding you? Doesn't that seem like she could get a concussion from that? The third one sounds like my favorite. I was on top. The other girl was standing over the girl that I was banging, so I was in the box, and the other girl was laying
01:16:58 underneath, going to town on my balls. Were they professionals? Did they do this before? Two of them were porn stars, and one of them was a girl that I was dating. Okay, I've seen this movie. Yeah, yeah. I've seen it. I knew I knew you.
01:17:09 You looked familiar. It's my finest feature. Two of them were porn stars and you said you muttered out on the other girl. The third one was a girl that I was dating. What's too many girls on you? That was too many girls on me. Who were the porn stars? I will not say Brian Redband because I know you know every fucking porn star.
01:17:28 So you didn't enjoy it? No, it was fun. I mean, it was hard to not have fun doing that, but it was like there was a lot going on. I didn't even come. You didn't? No. Because I was too busy focusing on all the shit that was going on. Hashtag I didn't come.
01:17:44 Hashtag yeah, yeah, yeah. Must be nice. There needs to be an eight-year-old boy on the other end. That's how you got back at him. You just said it. Have you ever done anything with another man? No. No?
01:18:02 Yeah, I didn't even come. You said you have. No. We're not going there. Come on. Why are we going there? We've already gone there. We're not going back there.
01:18:10 Remind me. What happened? No, hashtag no. Oh, he went back there. Ryan, do you remember what happened? Hashtag refusal. He needed money, so he used to suck dick. That is not it.
01:18:18 Yeah. Well, then explain yourself. Then explain your side. Red Band, we're not talking about how you got on this show. We're talking about my experiences with a man. Oh, come on, Kevin. No. Kev, we're not talking about how you got on this show. We're talking about my experiences with a man. Oh, come on, Kevin. Kev, what about a she-male? Well, I did live in Thailand for a year.
01:18:32 What about a transgender? No. No. No he-she's, no she-males, no Q's, no... I don't know, what else? What about a girl named Bob? How about a girl named Bob? How about a boy named Sue? Neither of those.
01:18:52 Okay. I'm sorry. I'll try and get out there and nail a tranny, I guess. Do we talk about what you did for a living? I'm an actor. Acting pays my bills. You make a living off that. Yes, sir.
01:19:05 So that movie that you did with the temporary face tattoo, what was that for? What movie was that? It was for a movie called Snow. What's that movie about? Was that a cocaine movie? A post-apocalyptic rendition of Snow White. Whoa.
01:19:23 I got to be honest, it sounds good. It's pretty cool. Sounds like a good movie. It's a pretty cool movie. I'd rent it. I'd rent it. Is there someplace I could see it? No, they're finishing the edit on it right now.
01:19:34 Is there someplace we could see the three girls on you? Are you hoping that they green light another Bad Boys movie so that you could audition for it? Hell yeah. Alright. Well, Kevin, it was nice to meet you. We spent way much more time with you than we needed to. There he goes. Kevin Mack. He's on Twitter and Instagram at OriginalKevinMack.
01:19:56 We have a regular. We have a regular that performs a brand new minute every single week. She does not get pulled out of the bucket. She does it every week in front of the public, in front of all of you. You guys know her. You love her. She's a phenom. Put your hands together for the great Allie Makovsky, everybody.
01:20:12 Here we go. People think I'm high all the time because I talk slow. The last time someone told me to calm down was 2013. I don't know. Because people think I'm high, they don't expect me to be good at anything. They just invite me to things that I don't want to go to. I got 12 text messages today telling me that it's free Slurpee Day tomorrow.
01:20:53 I don't want to do that. Stoners always think that they're so chill, but there's nothing relaxing about alien conspiracies. Whenever I smoke weed, I just think I'm shitting my pants. And all the stoners are like, just push through it. I'm like, I don't want to actually shit my pants. I feel like if I did shit my pants high,
01:21:18 I would be like super chill about it. I'd just be like, I think it smells like someone shit their pants. It definitely wasn't me. Yep. There you go. That was all good. That clearing the throat thing, is that like your new calling card or something
01:21:40 like that? Just kick off your set? No, I just had a lot of mucus I wasn't expecting to come up. Hashtag mucus. Have you ever really shit your pants though? Oh, I have, yeah. On purpose? No, not on purpose. You've pooped your pants?
01:21:57 I have, yeah. Were you scared? No, I wasn't scared necessarily. I was just surprised. Was it a shart? It was freshman year of college. Ah, the freshman 15. That's a good way to start college. Freshman 14 after you shit your pants.
01:22:14 Was it a sorority kind of a place? No, no, no. I just thought it was going to be a nice simple fart and you know how the story goes. It wasn't. It got complicated. It got complicated. It got real messy. Do you remember why it got messy? Do you remember was it like did you have too much?
01:22:32 No, I mean it just happened. It was probably, you know, I love Taco Bell. I will tell you something though. There's something really enjoyable about just taking a poop with your clothes on and not being near a toilet and just leaving it there all day.
01:22:49 Am I right? I don't know about that. It is freeing to just poop wherever you want, but I don't know about leaving. I will be honest with you guys. I don't know if I've told you this, but one time I shit my pants on purpose in Guadalajara because
01:23:04 the waiter had a problem with me and he gave me all this hot sauce and he knew that I would shit my pants and I stayed in his booth until I did and I just stared him down as I was shitting my pants. Show me the face you made as you were doing this. my pants. Show me the face you made as you were doing this. That was my face. Just focus. I just stayed on him and just kind of smiled. He wondered what was happening
01:23:31 and then he started to realize it. How did you let him know that you did it? I just opened my legs. And I just stayed there. I finished eating. Stayed right in the booth. But it did feel good. It felt liberating.
01:23:49 Yeah, man. It felt like I was at one with myself. I've never felt as free as I did that day. I've tried. I've tried to do it since then, but I have a mental block. Rectum. It's a good story. Yeah.
01:24:03 Yeah. Yeah? I mean. So you smoke a lot of weed? No, I don't at all. It's a good story. Yeah. Yeah. So you smoke a lot of weed? No, I don't at all. I wasn't paying attention. Yeah, me neither. But you have a lot of friends that are always stoned? Yeah, I mean, everyone here for the most part smokes,
01:24:19 so I'm always around stoners, you know. That's true. That's my boy. Our friends over at... We're sponsored by Speedway. Do you keep your hair short because you don't want to bother with... Easy maintenance.
01:24:32 I just wanted to see if I can look beautiful despite all odds, and here I am. Are you growing it back now? No, I mean, yeah. I just keep shaving it until I get sick of it, and then I'll go back to being even more beautiful. I like the shaved head thing. This would be a good time for you if you wanted to join the Marines.
01:24:52 Yeah, but I don't. Yeah. Fair enough. You'll definitely poop your pants there if you were pooping it in your freshman year of college. What did you study in college? I was going to do political science, but I dropped out pretty quickly. When Trump
01:25:07 got elected? Right when I shit my pants. I was like, I can't do this anymore. Anything else happen this past week in real life that's interesting to you? Yeah. I went up to San Francisco this weekend, and ooh, and
01:25:23 the guy, I went to Cobb's Comedy Club and the guy working there knew who I was from Kill Tony. And he says he watches it every week. Oh, wow. So shout out to Austin. One of the hundreds of thousands. Tony, how much money
01:25:42 have we raised so far? According to Dollar Shave Club... This is not a benefit? No, it's not. I'm sorry. So you went to San Fran to do sets up there? I just did a showcase, but I didn't do any shows. Was it fun being up in San Francisco
01:26:03 where so many women have the same haircut as you? Yeah, and their armpit hair was so long, like longer than my head on my hair. How does someone like you get to San Francisco? I drove, and then I camped in my car one night. That's what I figured. Yeah. I do have a Subaru to match the haircut.
01:26:19 Now you call it camping in the car. Yeah, everyone keeps giving me a hard time that I say I can't. Did you build a fire inside the car and all that? No, no, no. Where do you park? I parked off the highway, and I went to Monterey, and I parked off the highway, and there was the beautiful ocean,
01:26:37 and then I was freezing in my car, but it was great. It sounds great. So in the morning, do you brush your teeth somewhere? I did. I had a water thing, and then I just dumped it out, and I brushed my teeth. When you say a water thing, you mean a canteen? No, I just had like a gallon of water from Trader Joe's. I really got the experience of the wild.
01:26:58 They have the best water there. Where did you shower? Where did you shower on this trip? Oh, no. Oh, I had friends in San Francisco, so I showered when I got back to town. All right. Well. Yeah.
01:27:09 Another new minute. Okay. Allie Makovsky, everybody. There she goes. Magical Allie Mack. Magic Allie Mack. It's Magic Allie Mack on all social media outlets. One of the top young rising comedians in the world.
01:27:25 One more time for her. She's 21 years old, everybody. Writes and performs a brand new minute every week on this show. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time, huh? One more time? Huh? You guys want to go to the bucket one more time, huh? Huh?
01:27:44 Okay. Your final comedian of the night. One of our favorites here on Kill Tony. One of the funniest comedians to ever even sign up for this bucket. Legend. The great Mikey McKernan, everybody. Here he comes.
01:28:03 Making his way in. Last comedian of the night night I think you guys can make some noise for him it's Mikey McKernan I don't have any dick jokes but I'm trying my hardest huh huh But I'm trying my hardest. Huh? Huh? Huh?
01:28:30 One more time for all the great beards in the crowd, you guys. All right. I grow my hair out this long because I can't grow a beard because people with beards look cool, right? Right? You're smart, aren't you? They say smart things. Like, oh oh you're perceived reality with five senses but tonight you have a sixth sense sense of humor oh like an idiot i feel like an idiot too because every time i eat i gotta put my hair up to eat so I don't eat my hair. Now people think I work at 7-Eleven. Free Slurpee Day tomorrow.
01:29:17 You guys ever thought you can rob a 7-Eleven but you stop when you saw the cut out cardboard cop? Oh. when you saw the cut-out cardboard cup? Ha ha ha ha! Oh. Mikey, you are a hilarious guy. You're always funny. Thank you.
01:29:35 And that was funny, too. Thanks. I'm, uh, every guy do a new minute every time you come up here. Yeah. And hopefully it works. Ooh, huh? What? What? Mikey, I can't help notice new minute every time you come up here. And hopefully it works. Boo.
01:29:46 Huh. What. Mike, I can't help notice you have something in your back pocket. What is that? It's a sticker that says I'm not funny. That's how I promote my comedy. Okay. And that promotes your comedy, saying you're not funny?
01:29:58 Unless people take it. Do you want one? Sure. Kurt, can I give you one? Yeah, man. I believe it I'm bored with it Mikey you've been on the show a lot
01:30:13 we've pretty much figured out everything about you you work at Bubba Gums Shrimp Factory ironically looking like Lieutenant Dan that was a good Halloween costume one year of course I got heckled, though, because I had legs. Right. Right.
01:30:29 Unlike some of your jokes tonight. Do you work at a shrimp factory? Bubba Gum Shrimp Company at Universal Shitty. Yeah. Anything happen recently that we haven't talked about in, like, real life that you find interesting? Well, last time I was on here, I said, Kill Tony listeners, if they want a sticker to hit me up, and I got to send out like 30 stickers
01:30:50 to 30 people that hit me up. What does the sticker cost? I buy them by the thousand. So it's like $170. You ever think about going on Shark Tank with these? I will sink. How much does it cost to ship one of those?
01:31:11 What's? 40 cents. Yeah, 40 cents. So you spend a lot of money on free stickers. Is this the first sticker you came out with? Yeah. So you have no other expressions? No, I was like, people, when I started doing comedy, they're like, you've got to stop saying you're funny other expressions? No, I was like people when I started doing comedy were like,
01:31:25 you've got to stop saying you're funny. I'm like, I've already invested. Really? You should also make something that says Mikey McKernan is not making money. I mean, this is really not that big to see on a bumper. Spending money. How much would it cost to make a bigger one? I don't know. I don't know if I'd ever make a bigger one.
01:31:43 It's always been like that. You've got to stay punk rock. What's your annual profit for the last year? Not a lot at all. I'll give you $200,000 and 50%. Sold. You want my jokes too? Nope. You keep those.
01:32:01 All right, Mikey. You've done this show a lot. Yeah, I love it. I'm very grateful. You've done this show a lot. Yeah, I love it. I'm very grateful. You did good again. Thank you. Maybe we should just move on from you and maybe go back to the bucket one more time.
01:32:11 Yeah, you get some more comedians out there. There he goes, Mikey McKernan. He's on Twitter at Mikey McKernan. You guys ready to go to the bucket one more time? This is a good crowd. I like you guys. This looks like a new name. I like you guys. This looks like a new name.
01:32:28 Put your hands together for Zach Kirby. Here he comes. What's up, y'all? I just graduated with my bachelor's degree. Thank you. I also smoked a shit ton of weed while I was earning that degree. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I built up such a high tolerance that I had to start packing a second
01:32:49 bowl while smoking my first bowl to even feel the effects of the fourth bowl, which I would have to smoke five minutes after smoking a third bowl, which I didn't even say in order right now, because that's how much I smoked a little bit earlier tonight. What else? Oh, yeah. Tinder came out while I was in college, and Tinder is where I learned that chicks are more desperate for sex than guys are.
01:33:10 It's true, my first Tinder hookup, the girl messaged me first. Weird, right? Nothing like real life. And all I had written in my profile was that I was just looking for new friends. Absolutely no sex wanted. Because that's your guaranteed in, fellas. She's thinking, he doesn't even want to hook up with me. He just wants to be my friend. Hell no. And that is when she, her pussy starts dripping wet, and she's pretty much grabbing your dick for ransom.
01:33:37 Thank you. Zach Kirby. That's a minute. All right. Do you always dress like a divorced mom? Oh, class is out for all you divorced moms. That sort of makes sense. You know, I'll say something, Tony. He was very focused coming out here, very efficient with his time,
01:34:03 and he really got to the point on each thing. But there wasn't like a lot of laughs. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I mean, it was good. It was good energy and got it out there. But nothing really funny.
01:34:14 Right. No, totally. And that's a compliment. You seem like you're. If I could make one suggestion, take out the part where you're like, oh, yeah. Like in the midst of something, you say, oh, yeah. Like you just remembered something. You remembered the killer part.
01:34:32 Is that what he was saying in the beginning? He kept repeating something. Was that what it was? What was that thing? I haven't heard a word tonight. Yeah. I think he was talking about the pivot from the two topics. You ever been to Bubba Shrimp?
01:34:44 No. I don't like shrimp. You don't. You ever been to Bubba Shrimp? No. I don't like shrimp. You don't? No. What's your favorite meal? I love Burger King. You do? Wow, you said that like a giant six-year-old.
01:34:55 What do you get when you go to Burger King? I get the original chicken sandwich. Two for five. Just one? Two for five. Two for five. Just one? Two for five. Two for five? Yeah, yeah. That's a pretty good deal.
01:35:12 Like a burger prince. What else do you like to get sometimes? You get the two for five. What else? Come on, tell us about it. From Burger King? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I grew up eating Whoppers.
01:35:21 I weighed 250 pounds in high school from Burger King. And are you still in high school? Oh, no. That was like 10 years ago I graduated. Still got the look, man. That's good. Thank you. You stay pretty loyal to Burger King.
01:35:36 You got your In-N-Outs and all that. You like them. I like all In-N-Out. Five guys. I noticed you got the pierced nose. You got the earring right there. No. Oh, is that just copper wire
01:35:46 You just said no But you do indeed have a piercing You know how you have a piercing in your nose Who did that to you The nose piercing A piercer How long ago A year ago
01:36:02 Did you get that at Burger King Two for five? Did it come with a crown? When you blow your nose, does that get in the way? Yeah, a little bit. That's not a fish hook, is it? It's not a fish hook. No.
01:36:18 My other ring fell out. I think this is a nose ring. This is my girlfriend's. I think it was a nose ring. Wait, wait, wait. You have a girlfriend. Let's back up a little bit with the girlfriend. The nose ring is your girlfriend's?
01:36:28 Yeah, my other nose ring I had fell out while I was sleeping, so she gave me this ring. I don't know if it was really a nose ring or not. So if a nose ring falls out while you're sleeping, it wasn't in there very secure? It was shaped like an L, so I just slipped out. For loser? Oh. Do you have any other body piercings? This is the only one. Do you wear anything else of your girlfriend's?
01:36:51 Are those her tits right there? These are my old ones. What? These are my old ones. Those are. How often do you go to Burger King? At least once a month. Wow.
01:37:04 I feel like you don't even wear one of the cardboard crowns Like you put on a real fucking crown when you go in there Am I right? Pretty much, yeah Have you met your girlfriend's parents? Yeah And they think you're Yeah, we're the same age
01:37:18 They just told her to have it your way Do you like the broiled things there? Fresh, never frozen, broiled? I guess the Whopper is broiled. Where do you want to be one day? I want to be a therapist. I think you're almost there. You're almost there.
01:37:39 Yeah, I just graduated with my bachelor's degree. Did you used to want to be a king? I used to be a king? Was there ever any deals that Burger King had or anything like that? McDonald's does the whole Monopoly thing. Big fans of McDonald's get excited around that time. Is there any promotions or anything that Burger King's done where you've gotten
01:38:00 pretty excited about or anything like that? The two for five chicken sandwich. For sure. When you heard that, were you like, what the fuck? Are they kidding? I've never in my life seen anybody so excited about such a basic deal. Two for five.
01:38:16 Even Arby's, when they go all out, they do a five for five. It's pretty mind-blowing. That day, when you heard that, were you just like, I gotta go? I just found out one of the days I was going and I was like, oh, cool. I fucking hate Burger King. Oh, really? Yeah. It's the worst fast food you could fucking
01:38:32 buy. It doesn't make any sense, Brian, because you two are shaped exactly the same. I don't understand what you're eating that gives you the exact same amount of calories. I eat McDonald's. Zach, how did you lose the weight? I limited my eating to a thousand calories a day
01:38:48 and then after like probably three months I lost pretty much all that I needed to lose so you cut Weight Watchers in half pretty much so Tony you went from two for five to one for five I thought he swam laps around the Burger King's moat did your girlfriend tell you to stop losing weight I thought he swam laps around the Burger King's moat.
01:39:09 Did your girlfriend tell you to stop losing weight? Joelberg, yeah. That's Joelberg. He's here. There's the people that have been holding in their chants all night. Well, you didn't do that hot, Joel. Just be able to, Joelberg! I get it.
01:39:23 Joelberg. Zach, what's going on over there? So what else are you into? Just be like, Joel Barg! I get it. Joel Barg. Zach, what's going on over there? So, what else are you into? What other hobbies do you have? You look like a fucking giant baby, and it's freaking me out. How old are you? I'm 26. You're 26.
01:39:39 What else are you into? What do you do for hobbies and stuff? You sort of look like you sometimes caddy for women golfers? I'm into music a lot. What kind of music do you like? I like hip-hop. I like... Ooh, what kind of hip-hop do you like? I kind of like a lot of the new mumble rap type shit.
01:39:58 Like what? It reminds me of Josh. Like Lil Yachty. Yeah. Wait, Lil Yachty? Playboy Cardi. New album, pretty good. Jesus. Huh. You ever kill anybody? No. What's the worst thing you've ever done?
01:40:12 What's like the meanest thing you've ever done to another human? Besides this. One thing I thought was really mean, it's not really that mean, but this was when I was in middle school, someone asked me. Ooh, I think somebody once took one of somebody's Burger King french fries. Someone asked me that I knew was, like, not one of my friends. He was like, how are you doing? And I was like, why are you asking me?
01:40:38 How am I doing? That was so mean. I felt like it was mean. Wow. What a dick you are, dude. I was in middle school. You were a fuck. Wow.
01:40:47 Hashtag bad boy, Chris. That was Girth Brooks over there. Girth Brooks. Hey, Girth Brooks' first big joke. Girthberg. Girthberg. Girthberg. Tony, Kevin and I have another podcast to get to.
01:41:06 How long are we going to do this? This is pretty much it. I have one more question for you, Zach. Is there anything weird that you do? Any weird, like anything that you think is sort of strange? Maybe you like bite your toenails off or something like that. Anything weird that you wouldn't want anybody to know about that you really wouldn't want to say? And then I have a follow-up on that, Tony.
01:41:24 Yeah, it's something that you really wouldn't want to say on a then I have a follow up on that Tony. Yeah it's something that you really wouldn't want to say on a live podcast. Well I guess you hit the nail on the head. I do. I've been my toenail since I was little. You really do that? Yeah my bottom How did I guess that? Y'all ready for this? Y'all ready for this?
01:41:42 Your bottom tooth is crooked because you literally you to this day, at the age of 26, sometimes you put your foot in your mouth and you literally bite your toenails. You toenailed it. Joelberg is zoning in. Joelberg's just getting warmed up
01:41:57 and Kirk and Kevin are ready to go. My last question is this, Tony. Yes, Kevin Nealon. It just strikes me like you seem like a person who doesn't mind waiting in lines. I smoke a lot of weed. But you seem very comfortable, like you would be comfortable waiting in a long, long line.
01:42:17 If I'm high, then it's whatever. So the answer is yes? I hate lines. But you don't mind waiting in them. I'll complain in them about the lions. But if you have some long toenails, you can find something to do. And what if the lion is for weed? Yeah, that's a good deal.
01:42:35 Two for five. I think we just got a phone call in. Let me ask you something because I don't like the answer that I got. I feel like you're just rolling with what I said with the toenail thing. So now I'm going to put some pressure on you and make you name one more thing that you do in your normal life that you think is sort of creepy that you don't want us to know about.
01:42:54 You know what it is. Sometimes you like rub your rub your nipples or something like that. Do you ever like look in the mirror and like push your old boobs together and just sort of pretend they're a chick's boobs? Yes. Well, okay. Okay, here we go.
01:43:10 It's kind of similar to that, I guess. I knew to stop losing weight when I could no longer lick my nipple. Because I used to love licking my nipple. You look... Wow. Zach, I'm pretty sure none of the people in this room are ever going to talk to you again. Do you ever get milk out of that nipple?
01:43:31 I wish. Do you ever breastfeed a baby? No, sir. Is your girlfriend alive or buried in your basement? She's alive. How long have you been with her? About five years now.
01:43:49 Five years? Can you reach her nipples? Sorry? Can you reach her nipples? Yeah. Where'd you guys meet five years ago? In front of Starbucks with friends. How many pounds ago did you meet her? Sorry. How many pounds ago did you meet her?
01:44:05 Sorry? How many pounds ago did you meet her? I look like this. So recently? Five years ago. You ever taken her to Burger King on a date? Yes, sir. Look at how excited you get when you talk about Burger King.
01:44:20 She felt the same way as Brian. When's the last time you went to a Burger King? Less than a month ago. I'm not sure. I forget. You ever use the Dollar Shave Club? I will starting now. There you go. I completely agree. It's an awesome life hack, man. There you go, Zach Kirby, everybody. He's the last
01:44:38 comedian on the show tonight. He's on Twitter. It's Zach Cool. Put your hands together for the great Kirk Fox and Kevin Nealon. Guys, anything you want to plug coming up or anything like that? Tour dates or anything to the... I'll be at Cobb's at the end of the month. Awesome. Ironically.
01:44:55 I love it. Cobb's at the end of the month. KevinNealon.com. TonyHinchcliffe.com for the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour. I'm on road the entire month of August. I'm also going to be at COBS at the end of August and everywhere. Portland, New Jersey, New York, South Carolina, North Carolina.
01:45:11 Look at Ryan J.E. Belt's drawing. That looks exactly like Kirk Fox, exactly like Kevin Nealon, Pat Reagan. He got everybody in there. All those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com. You got the great Josh Martin comic running around helping us out on everything. The new
01:45:28 Kill Tony t-shirt is available at shopsquad.tv. Make sure you sign up for Dollar Shave Club. DollarShaveClub.com slash kill. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash kill. For literally five bucks, you get all that stuff that we've been talking about.
01:45:44 That's a $15 value. And then some. Live audience, thank you so much for coming out. We love you. We're in the main room full time now, so anytime you ever want to come back, there's going to be a seat available for you. We love you. We'll see you on the front patio after the show. We're going to be hanging out having a drink.
01:46:03 Happy birthday, Brad. Oh, yes. The great Joel Jimenez is on Twitter at MostlySorry. Pat Reagan has his new album out called Bad Chad. Chris Dillon. Chris Dillon. Go ahead. I crawl with Chris.
01:46:17 There he goes. Girth Brooks in the motherfucking house. Live audience, thank you so much for coming out. We'll see you guys again soon. See ya. I want to drive you through the night down the hills. I gotta tell you something you don't want to hear.
01:47:05 I'm gonna show you where it's dark, but have no fear. There's something inside. Thank you.
There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click any sentence in the transcript to leave one.