KILL TONY - KILL TONY #222

Episode Date: July 24, 2017

Steve-O, Russell Peters, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 07/17/2017 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute?

I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winningning in an exciting live dealer studio exclusively on FanDuel Casino where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca

Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv, for everything you want for Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions of the show. Also, you can click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store,

but we have a bunch of different shows. Death Squad's going on the road to Toronto with Sam Tripoli and Dean Del Rey and myself, July 27th through 29th, August 9th through the 13th, Edmonton with Kate Quigley, and August 16th through the 20th, Minnesota at the House of Comedy with Kate Quigley.

TonyHinchcliffe.com has all your Tony Hinchcliffe tour dates. He's about to go on this big Monster Energy tour. It's going to be crazy. He's going to be in like a thousand cities. And Tony has it all at TonyHinchcliffe.com. His next couple ones, he's going to be in Fort Worth, Texas at Hyena's. He's going to St. Louis, Madison, Wisconsin, and a bunch of other dates. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. I'm proud to announce that the new Kill Tony t-shirt, the first t-shirt, is finally available for pre-order. If you go to ShopSquad.tv and click on Kill Tony to pre-order it. It's going to ship out in a couple of weeks. Uh,

and we're going to have a bunch of new shirts, uh, for kill Tony in the upcoming months. So check out shop squad dot TV. They also have desk squad shirts and hats shop squad dot TV. Ryan J E belt. He's the house artist. He draws every single episode.

You can always go to his website to buy the new poster or past episode prints That's ryanjebelt.com And last but not least Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony And hit subscribe And now here's a new episode of Kill Tony. Tony, give it up for Tony Henscliff. Yeah, yeah, give it up for me. You're at the number one live podcast in the world.

Make some motherfucking noise, Main Room Comedy Store, Monday night. You just saw Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. This is Brian Redband in the motherfucking house. Uh-oh, Ryan J. Ebelt is here drawing tonight's episode while you all sit there like lazy bums. He's drawing the episode. He has a blank sheet of paper in front of him right now, and that's what he does. All those prints, including the Kill Tony poster,

are available at ryanjebelt.com. Support a great artist. It's Ryan J. E. Belt, everybody in the motherfucking house. You're going to see what he drew later tonight after the episode. You're going to see it because he's going to draw it right now. It's also the last week to preorder the new Kill Tony shirt. The first ever and brand new Kill Tony official merch, shopsquad.tv. It's awesome.

I'm wearing mine inside out right now. I like to keep it close to my heart. Can I look at it? No. Don't touch me. All right. It's one of the funny things is that you never have to touch me because it's a podcast. I know.

It's been great the last four years. I'm touching your... Yeah. There you go. There you go. Don't try to think too hard, Brian. Just breathe. I was just going to say for the podcast users, I am touching you underneath the table.

Did you hear how that joke went? Yeah. There we go. Don't do that. Let's play real time. Don't do it. Okay. LA Speedweed,

we love you. Who loves marijuana? Comedy fans? L.A. Speedweed delivers pot directly to you. It's the Uber of pot. Life is good. Oh, I know what's up for you thousands and thousands listening to the hundreds and hundreds in this room. I am on the Monster Energy

Outbreak Tour the entire month of August and doing theaters and rock venues all around the United States of America. So that's a lot of fun. New special, taping it in September. We're going to be announcing that in the next couple weeks, exactly where that's going to take place. Are you guys ready to start the show or what? Every single week, I bring two of the funniest human beings in the world on this show. This week's no different. Put your hands together for the great Russell Peters and Steve-O. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.

Steve-O! Steve-O! And the great and powerful Russell Peters! Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now. Steve-O, you were scheduled to be on the show two weeks ago, and the day of your appearance, I got a text about an hour before the show saying, Steve-O tried to do a snow angel on fire, and he won't be able to make it here tonight. Right. Yeah, I was performing fire angels in a bed of rocket engine fuel.

Fire angels. Steve-O. When will you learn? Oh, man. God, it was fucked up, dude. And then I went to the hospital. It seemed like it was cool. Next morning, I woke up with these hideous blisters all over me, it was fucked up, dude. And then I went to the hospital. It seemed like it was cool. Next morning I woke up with these hideous blisters all over me and I was like, dude,

I've been burned before. I'm gonna power through it. And five days later I'd fucking tapped out, man. I showed up at the hospital. I'm like, you guys got any numbing cream and I don't want to take painkillers and shit. And they're like, yeah, we have numbing cream, but let's just check you in and get you looked at. Doctors looked at me. they said, fuck.

Like, fuck, you know, you need emergency surgery. So now I have the skin of seven different dead people grafted onto 15% of my body. Is that true? I swear to God. And they're not all white. That's the worst part. Oh, my God. Yeah, I got cadaver skin grafted onto 13% of my body.

You're a goddamn fucking zombie, bro. You have the skin of dead people on you. I know. Do they only white people, or do you have one black guy? I don't think so. I just did that joke. Yeah, you did it 45 seconds ago. Jesus.

This is why I'm telling you to breathe and listen, Brian. Just keep breathing and listening. You play your fake turntables, Brian. Hey, Steve-O, question. Are there any black people skins on your back? I don't know, man. I'm pretty sure that there's not. This doesn't look like you might imagine it might.

You'd think it looks like beef jerky kind of. Maybe it's all the skins. Maybe they put them in a blender, mixed them together, and you have a nice Russell Peters shade to you. We fucked up. They used foreskins. My fucking elbow keeps popping out. Russell, welcome back to the show.

You're one of our favorite guests. Welcome back. Everything good in your life? No fire angels on jet fuel or anything like that? No, I'm too hairy for that shit, Tony. You tend to use jet fuel for your jet. Yeah, I tend to. Much better use.

You know, the worst part for Steve is that he's sober and he did this. He doesn't even have an excuse anymore. You know, I can't argue with that. So how does, I mean, do they have special things to give you since you how does it, did you, I mean, do they have, like, special things to give you since you're sober?

Like, or did you just fucking cry for two weeks straight? The, oh, dude, I was fucking hurting. When I got to the hospital and they said I needed surgery, they asked me, when's the last time you ate? And I was like, well, I just ate. And they're like, okay, well, we can't operate on you for, for, like, fucking eight hours. So I had to, like, sit there, and I'm like, okay, just give me fucking something. They couldn't put an IV in my arms because they're like, okay, well, we can't operate on you for, like, fucking eight hours. So I had to, like, sit there, and I'm like, okay, just give me fucking something.

They couldn't put an IV in my arms because they're all burned up, so they put an IV in my neck and just started putting fucking great drugs into it, you know? I hope you videotaped all of this, Steva. Oh, I videotaped. All right. Well, let's see what kind of crazy shenanigans. Maybe we'll have some fire angels here tonight during this very fun episode of Kill Tony.

I know you guys already saw them. You know who they are. You love them. A part of this show every single week. They commit to different characters. I never know what they're going to do. Every week's different. Put your hands together for them.

It's the Kill Tony Band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel, Joel Berg. Jimenez Wow I already know what this is Wow Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's Game of Thrones with the Queen of Dragons, the guy with no dick, and a warrior of some kind, a Mexican warrior.

Juan Snow. And we have a special treat. Whoa! Look at this! Holy shit! Motherfucking Tyrion Lannister, ladies and gentlemen! Fresh off of the

debut of season seven of Game of Thrones. The cast of Game of Thrones. For you podcast listeners, Jeremiah Watkins came in on the back of the bass player who's dressed like a dragon, and Jeremiah is in full Queen of Dragons garb right now. Perhaps slightly bigger tits than the actual Queen of Dragons.

And he was dragging his balls on his back. Is it upsetting that Jeremiah's kind of turning me on right now? I'm sorry, dude, but you got a nice ass. Let's not discount Brad Williams. I love this. By the way, when I walked in, Steve-O, your name is on the marquee, and it is impossible for me to walk in front of the comedy store with your name on the marquee without everyone thinking I'm fucking Wee Man. Right.

Okay, like. I'm fucking him. Yeah. Some people were very disappointed. They were like, oh, my God, Wee Man's here. I'm like, no, I'm not him. They're like, fuck you. Like, they literally said, fuck you. Like, noe Man's here. I'm like, no, I'm not him. They're like, fuck you. They literally said, fuck you.

No, you're him. There can't be a midget and Steve-O in the same building and have it not be Wee Man. There is another little guy in the building. I saw him earlier. Where is he? Check the bottom of your chairs. You get a midget. You get a midget. You get a midget.

Great to see you, brother. Good to see you, Brent. Everything is in position. The band is in its place. Our guests are here. Let's get to the motherfucking thing. I have a bucket called the Bucket of Destiny given to us from our friend Ichabod a few weeks ago. This bucket is filled with the names of comedians.

Sometimes it's people trying it for the first time. Sometimes it's some of the best up-and-coming comics in the world. Sometimes it's a completely crazy person. You never know what's going to happen. It's filled with names. You get 60 seconds. If I pull your name to perform, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear

the sound of a kitten. That's what that sounds like. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. So do your time. You guys ready to start the show or what? Yes. Into the bucket of destiny my hand goes.

What comes out? Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, you'll never believe it, the drummer and the legend of Kill Tony, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. My brother is half black, half Mexican. My mom married twice. In our family, we call it Blacksican. White people just call him black.

And the cops say, that's him. It's never him. I don't know what about his physical appearance makes them think it's him. It was him once. I'm so broke that I refer to things that people just do all the time as once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. My friend's dad took me snowmobiling.

We got to the top of the summit. He's like, what do you think? I was like, oh, it's amazing. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. And he was like, nah, we do this shit all the time. And then he yelled, this is Tahoe, and he kicked me into the snow. Tight, that's it.

All right, thanks. 52 seconds of Joel Jimenez. Well. There youenez. Well. There you go. Boom. Does anybody here know how to play the drums? I think we're looking for a replacement. No, I'm kidding, Joel.

That was fun. The black Mexican thing was a lot of math. Is that true? Yeah. It was hard to believe because you're wearing an Afro wig right now. I thought, you know, I was like, they're not, you know, whatever. You look like your brother. So your mom has, your brother's younger than you?

My brother's older than me, yeah. Older than you. So before she made you with a Mexican man, she... What are you then? I'm Mexican. She married my dad. I would say like, well, I learned once you go black, you marry a Mexican mechanic. Thank you. There you go. Red you marry a Mexican mechanic. Thank you.

There you go. Looks like Red Band's got the drummer's job. So, Joel, how much older is your brother than you? He's like in his 40s, I think. Jesus. Wow, that's much older. What about me? I'm 30.

How old's your mom? 67. Old enough. She's probably younger than his brother. She old's your mom? 17. Old enough. She's probably younger than his brother. She's legal, don't worry. Interesting. So when you were growing up, was your older brother still living at the house? Yeah.

Did you ever see his gigantic black Mexican penis? Only when I asked. It was unemployed. His name is Drogo. It's funny, he would pick me up from school and I'd be like, oh, this is my brother. And they'd be like, are you guys adopted? What's going on? Probably.

Yeah, they're like your brother. Where'd you grow up? L.A. Yeah, northeast L.A. Shout out to Frogtown, if anybody knows where that is. All right. Nobody knows. It's right down the street from Dodger Stadium.

I don't know. Whatever. All right, moving on. You know what I thought about this? I'm like, comics are going to get mad because I'm like already. So should I just give the time back to the room and should we get some other comics? It's okay. I got it, Joel. I got it.

Let's let Tony run this. Did I pull? From now on when I pull a name out of the bucket, you get to host the show, by the way. You get to just control what happens. Do not question the unsullied. That's me. I'm the unsullied, I think, in this analogy. No penis.

Joel, what's your love life like? Oh, it's good. Yeah? Yeah. What's that mean? I have a girlfriend. How long have you had a girlfriend for? Wow, the crowd goes crazy.

Yeah. How long have you been dating her? 13 years. Really? What? What? Yeah. How long have you been dating her? 13 years. What? Really? What? Yeah. Since you were 17?

18. Oh, my God. How old are you? 31. I'm almost 31, yeah. Has she ever been out of the basement? Well, has she? It's L.A.

Nobody has a basement, Tony. No. It's nice. You think I could afford a basement. All right. 13 years. Yeah. So in high school you guys met? Yeah, we met in high school. We started dating after. It's nice. You think I could afford a basement. 13 years. In high school you guys met?

Yeah, we met in high school. We started dating after. After high school. Have we ever brought her to the show? No, she works Mondays. I'd love to though. What does she do? She works at a spa. She's Asian?

No, Red Band. No, $40? No. Red Band knows her. I already know what you're thinking. How long has she done that? Is that a thing she's done for a while? About a year now.

The spa she's at, she's been there for about a year now. Is it like a legit spa? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a nice spa. Do they have any special massages for people with the skin of seven corpses on their body? No. What does that mean? Do they have the Hindu bride special?

The Ichabod special? All right, Joel, you're right. I am going to send you back to the drums. Thank you, all right. There he goes, Joel Jimenez. He's on Twitter at Mostly Sorry, and you know him as the drummer of the official Kill Tony band.

You sent him back to the other side of the wall. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Charlie Newhart. Charlie Newhart. Up this way, this way. They made us move the comedians farther away today for no reason,

so it doesn't really help. Charlie Newhart, everybody. My friend says he doesn't believe in God. He says he believes in people, puts his faith in people. I can understand that because people are awesome, right? You agree? Sure you do. Like Tiger Woods. He's awesome, right? Great athlete. Tiger's the only person we know that can run through 18 holes in record time and then go golf. An amazing man. Yep. Yeah, thank you. All right. Caitlyn Jenner, an amazing person. Give it up for Caitlyn. Yes, such boldness. Caitlyn was even amazing as Bruce.

Bruce was doing 90 miles an hour, texting and driving, runs into the back of a lady, hits the car, kills her on impact. Bruce no longer wants to be a man, still hits women from the back. Just an amazing person. People are amazing, I agree.

Totally agree. What can God do? You know, he makes angels. Whitney Houston had Totally agree. What can God do? He makes angels. Whitney Houston had the voice of an angel, right? Whitney's finally getting a star on the Walk of Fame. Only thing I don't like is where they plan on putting her star. The concrete in that area is all broken up, and I don't think it's right that they put Whitney's name on cracked rocks.

It's not right. Thank you. That's my time. Charlie Newhart with exactly 60 seconds. I love that. Thanks for making it here fresh off of assistant coaching for the Boston Celtics. No, I think he was stunt doubling for some special effects. Charlie, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about three years now.

I'm fresh from Detroit. Fresh from Detroit. 3-1-3. 3-1-3. 3-1-3. Grass should be seven miles. How fresh? How long have you been here? A week and a half.

Super fresh. I'm a virgin. How old are you, Charlie? I'm 39. 39. And you're living here now? Yes, just moved here. Do you have a job yet?

I do. What are you doing? I work at the Santa Monica dealership, Chrysler, Dodge, and Jeep. Come see me. Give you a discount right now. Right now? Right now? Right now?

I think people are interested in a Chrysler right now. Tell them I sent you. No better time than in the middle of a live show to buy a Chrysler, Dodge, or Jeep. Chryslers are pretty dope. American made. They are? I think they're dope. We're going to get that new Demon.

Come check it out. Actually, they're Canadian made. They make them look like Rolls Royces and shit. They do? Do you provide pedal extenders? Charlie, how long have you been selling cars for? Since Key and Peele wrapped. Joelberg in the house. He's much better back there on the drums My dad owns a dealership in Detroit

I've been selling cars all my life Southwest Detroit And before that How long were you selling Sprite? Jeremiah Watkins Warming up over here I love this Everybody's here in their glory.

Charlie, what was the name of your dad's car dealership? Eagle Motors. Eagle Motors? Evil Motors. Come on down. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I'll fucking give you a deal, you cocksuckers. It's in the hood, man.

It's like southwest Detroit. There's tons of prostitutes over there. It's pretty awesome. Do you ever throw them into the deal? Do you really know how to sell this dealership? hood, man. It's like southwest Detroit. There's tons of prostitutes over there. It's pretty awesome. Oh, do you ever throw them into the deal? Do you really know how to sell this dealership? Oh, yeah. The prostitutes over there, they're always in the area whistling. Like, perfect.

That's how you whistle when you don't have teeth. I'll take a Chrysler Hodor. Hodor? Did I say Hodor? Who said Hodor? They fall for your sales pitch. Come on down to Eagle Chrysler. The only thing that suck here are the hookers.

Come on down to Eagle Chrysler. The only thing that sucks here are the hookers. Charlie, if you were going to sell us a car right now, how would you do it? What car? Give us a pitch. Pretend like we just came on the lot. We came on the lot, Tony. We came on the lot?

Yeah, we came on your... Security, please, security. Keep in mind that some of our modes of transportation are dragons. Okay, so I'll sell you a car. I'll sell you a Hellcat. Let's do it, Charlie. Sell it.

I noticed that you were looking at that Hellcat. What would prevent you from buying it right now? That fucking green shirt. That fucking green shirt. That shirt suggests, go, get the fuck out of here. It's amazing. It matches my eyes. Even the dragon's checking you out.

He looks like a rejected Fanta dancer. How would you respond to his saying that your shirt is preventing him from buying the Hellcat? You loan like Mountain Dew? Really, so my shirt is an objection for you buying this car. I noticed that you were looking at it, sir. Let's just go inside and start the paperwork at this time. That's it? You just go straight to paperwork?

Notice you were looking at it. Sign your name here. I hate to see how he picks up women. Oh, let's just go right to the bedroom. Let me fuck you. Give me your number right now. What would it take to get me inside of you right now? What is it going to take? Sign this paperwork right now. I do not bed those simply who ask.

What? Tony, have you seen the documentary Kermit Unmasked? It was a black guy too, right? It was Oh no, that was Elmo Charlie, you have any special hobbies or fun things that you do Or are good at, any special skills or talents? Oh yeah, you know, typical black dude, basketball, football

I love to box. Yeah, I can fight. Yeah, I love to box. Women or the sport? You did say typical black dude, so we're just trying to clarify. Charlie, Charlie. Is that why you're dressed like the outside of a watermelon? It's because he's pink inside, god damn it Yeah, true story, man

I got shot when I was 23 in Detroit Shot? Yeah, shot I don't think you need to say in Detroit Or true story Nobody was like, oh my god, where were you? Where did you get shot? Yeah

I got shot in the forearm, man It was a drug deal going bad Tons of dope on the table It's not true It was my ex-wife It was my ex-wife. She shot me. Really? Yeah.

Shot me in the forearm. Then she pointed the gun at my face, and the gun jammed. God protected me, for real. Wow. God protected you. Did the bullet hit your bones? You already got shot one time. Did you beat the shit out of her after she shot you?

I sure did. With your good arm? Yes. It was UFC style, like I crave it. So how did it actually go down? What was she shooting? Yes. It was UFC style. Like, I crammed it. So how did it actually go down? What was she shooting you for? It was an argument.

It was an argument going bad. About what? Late child support payment. Oh. Do you have kids, Charlie? I do. I got six kids. Six kids?

Typical black dude shit. Name them. Name them. All right. Here we go. Here we go. In chronological All right, here we go. Here we go. In chronological order. In chronological order.

What are their names? I want the name and the age at the same time. Oh, man, come on. You add stuff. All right. Listen, Charlie, I know you used to go to Windsor drinking when you were 19. You know I did. You know I did.

All right, Angel is 21. Ajene is 18. AJ is 18. Don't ask me right, Angel is 21. Ajene is 18. AJ is 18. Don't ask me why. Charlie is 16. Andrew is 6. No, he's not. Melissa is 5.

Melissa is 5. I think you're short two kids still. Your family is rather large. I would like their support on the battlefield. That's 5, right? Basically, you went through a 12-year period of not breeding. Yeah, it was like 11 years, and then, you know, then wifey said, I want more.

Then it happened. Antonio Cromartie thinks this is fucked up. Five people got that. Six kids. Hey, Steve-O even shook his head. Are they all with the same woman? No. No, of course not. How do you think he got shot?

There it is. Six kids, man. They're all here, too. They all moved to L.A., too. They all moved to L.A. with me. Six kids, how many baby mamas? Two. That's not too bad.

That's not too bad. That's not bad. Even the Mexicans are like, shit, this fucking Yanta's doing better than me. All right, Charlie. Well, congratulations. It was nice to meet you. Fun times.

There he goes, Charlie Newhart. He's on Twitter at Charlie Newhart. All one word. All right. Moving. You guys having fun out there? Huh? Huh?

How about this side of the room? You guys having any fun out there? Huh? Huh? How about this side of the room? You guys having any fun over there? Yeah. Put your hands together for Michael Crawford, everyone. Here we go. Michael Crawford. Here we go. Here he comes.

Make some noise for Michael Crawford, everyone. How are y'all doing tonight? Have you guys ever been in a situation to where you get... I mean, your name's Mike. I mean, you would think. Sorry. Have you guys ever been in a situation

to where you get totally fucked without even knowing about it? Michael, let's start over. You have to talk in the end of this thing. Right into it, Mike. Like directly. You have to put your mouth right next to it when you talk. Look where I'm at.

Look where I'm at, Mike. Right there. You got this, dog. You got it. Put your hands together for Michael Crawford, everybody. Here we go. Here we go. Shit. This is when you know it gets real when you get on stage and you're like, holy shit, what the fuck is going on here?

All right, well, let's bring it back to normal. Have any of you guys ever been... Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Here, try this one. This one's louder. This one's louder. What's up, little buddy?

How you doing there? Good. Yeah. You ever got in a situation where you... Take a third one. Did this just get real? Did this just get real? This just got fucking real, people.

This just got fucking real. Alright, let's bring it back here. Let's start over. One more time for Michael Crawford. Keep going. It's all you, buddy. Have any of you guys ever made a mistake in your life to where you look at it and you really think,

what the fuck am I doing here? I'm on stage right now next to Steve-O, Tony Hinchcliffe. Russell Peters. Russell Peters, and Red Band in the corner. Give it the fuck up for these people, everybody. Let's get it cracking up in here. Sorry, Russell. I didn't mean to come up like... I didn't mean... Yeah, yeah, yeah. My bad, dude. I sell barbecues for a living. It's fucked up. Dude, have any of you guys ever been with a bigger woman and got scared when you realize the fact after the matter that you're actually with this chick?

Holy shit, man. The other night, man, I fucked my mom's co-worker and it was just fucking crazy as shit. Size of a Kenmore fridge. She was a biggin', biggin', and I mean biggin' when it comes down to it. No offense to any people in the crowd tonight. No offense, No offense.

When she told me she was going to squirt, I ran for the fucking hills. I fucking ran as fast as I could. It was not a joke. Fucking called ServPro in the process because I didn't know what the fuck was going to happen if my house was going to be flooded out. What's up, Tony? Yeah, Jeremiah. What's up, Tony? What's up, Tony? Michael, holy fucking

shit. Wow. I mean, there was a period about three minutes into your performance in which you still hadn't started your performance, in which I was thinking, I would just let you go for the rest of the episode, just over and over. I would just let you go for the rest of the episode, just over and over. I would watch you restart over and over again for the next hour. There was a period in time, for those of you listening to the audio of this podcast, which is what this

is most famous for, in which you probably just heard everybody laughing, and you didn't hear anything other than that. That was because Michael is the most quiet comedian in the history of the universe. We weren't quite picking up anything until there were three microphones. Ironically, a guy named Mike didn't know what the fuck and how to work a mic. Mike, can I ask you what drugs you're on?

You've been sober for a minute. The mic thing. Talking to that thing that gives you power. This is the first time I've ever been up here. Can I ask you what was your motivation? What made you think, yo, I'm going to try this, man? I used to do a lot of crazy-ass drugs,

and I like adrenaline, and I like the fucking rush. But you don't like volume. It can fuck with you at times. He likes quiet adrenaline. I watch Motocross on mute. Tony, can I take a guess? Now, when you first sort of missed started, it sounded like you had a joke,

but then you didn't tell it. Each time you started, it sounded like you had a joke, but you never told a joke. Dude, I just shit my pants that I even got up here, dude. I'm proud of you. I can tell that it was tough, man. I can smell it. I bet you can, Russell.

I bet you can, bud. So you fucked your mom's fat friend. Coworker. Coworker. Coworker. Wow. How fat are we talking? Ken Moore fridge status. I know, but how heavy would you say? Right now, she's on a... You're young, so to you, a fat chick is

different than what I think of a fat chick. About a 325. Wait, 325? Did you come fast? Came scary. Came quietly, I bet. Right now, she's on a live podcast talking about how she had sex with the most quiet

human being on the planet. She didn't know you came because she couldn't hear you. How old are you, Mike? I'm 21. What? 21? Yeah, okay, good. 21?

How many sublime music videos have you been in? Yeah, I want to know what part of the Inland Empire did this take place in? Are you from the Inland Empire? Fuck yeah, brother. I'm from California., brother. Joel Burke. Joel Burke. Where are you from, brother? Michael, stop asking questions.

Okay, Tony. So what does your mom do for work? She does taxes, Tony. She does taxes? She has a big-ass colleague. A big-ass tax colleague. It's a hog. It's a heifer.

Whatever you want to come to it. Where'd you have sex with your mom's co-worker at? In the vagina. Are you sure it was the vagina? Oh, shit. It was a fold. It was just picking shit up to try to find where you were. Where?

Where? Where was the location of the sex? Very lower. No, no, no. Not the part of the body. What room or what building did you have sex with this woman in? I fucked her in my room, Tony.

In your room? In your mom's house. In your mom's trailer. Did she like all the blacklight posters? It was just to get back to my mother. You showed her. Were you polite? Did you offer her meth first?

Dude, look at me like this. When she laid down and she looked at my buddy and said, you can use me as a fucking mattress, that's when I got scared. Wow, this accountant lady sounds like she was 1040 EZ. Hello. She wasn't small,

Tony. She wasn't small. She should have E-filed. She was in quite the form. What was her sleep number? She was a 75. You hook up with big chicks a lot, Michael? I take the risk at times. What do you do for work? I sell barbecues, clean them, repair them, whatever the fuck you need.

Done doing what I can do, brother. Barbecues? Yes, sir., repair them, whatever the fuck you need done to them, I can do it, brother. Barbecues? Yes, sir. That's what you specialize in? MDC barbecue clean and repair. Yes, sir. That is so weird because you have one of the jankiest grills I've ever seen on a human being. These podcast listeners can't really see, but his teeth are Inland Empire.

Shots fired. What do you like to do for fun, Michael? We like to go hunting. Hunting? We like to go wake skating in the bird's bed. What do you hunt for other than accountant pigs? He said she was fat, you haters. He's very good at sneaking up on things

We're hunting hogs in the riverbed there, bud What? Hogs? Yes, sir Really? Real hogs or like your mom's acquaintance's hogs? That was a one-time thing to try to get back at her Where do you go to hunt hogs?

Did it work? Across the street from my house, brother My room, dude Did it work? Was your mother really mad after you slept with her fat friend? Did it work? My room, dude. Did it work? Was your mother really mad after you slept with your fat friend? Did it work? Fuck no. I still have PTSD from that shit.

Michael's so quiet that I feel like a lot of people missed an answer to a question I just asked him, which was, where do you hunt hogs? And his answer was, across the street from where I live. Where do you live, Michael, exactly to where there's hogs across the street? Westeros.

Norco, California. What? Norco, California. Oh, Norco. Not to be confused with Narco, which is what Norco's full of. Get everyone fucked up. You have a lot of siblings?

I'm the only child You're an only child Yeah, it's pretty fucked up Do you ever inject anything into your veins, Mike? When you say you did crazy drugs Like volume What's the craziest drug that you ever did? Probably smoked heroin and smoked meth

That was probably the craziest Probably smoked heroin, smoked meth. That was probably the craziest. Probably smoked heroin, smoked meth? No. You can smoke heroin, Steve? You can smoke heroin. I looked at you for the answer. You can smoke heroin, Steve? Indeed, yeah.

Steve-O's done a snow angel in heroin before. No, dude, I was a pill addict for a long time, and then I tried that shit once, and then the next day I got sober, dude. Went to my parents, told them I need fucking help. How old are you? I'm 21. How long have you been sober?

Two years now. Two years, wow, all right. That's good. Yeah. And I was going to say... Are you drinking alcohol? Yeah, I drink and smoke. Okay, so you're not sober at all.

I'm sober, but I'm staying off the fucking pill. All right, it's just a matter of time. Yeah. What is it about like sober? Like, and then they just fucking do crazy shit. Like you set yourself on fire. He fucks pigs and right.

He can't speak anymore. I mean, you know, yeah, the DOC sounds louder than what do you shoot these hogs with? A bow. A bow. Do you have a,

do you have a silencer on your bow? Yeah, it's cold as mouth. Here comes my gun. The pigs are like, what? Can you speak up, please? They oinked with a question mark. All right, Michael. Anything else you want to say?

You're up here with one of your heroes, Steve-O. Dude, congratulations on sobriety, bro. Hey, thanks, man. I appreciate it, dude. And I respect the balls it took for you to get up here, man. You know? Yeah, dude, that shit's fucking scary as shit. The more you do it, maybe you'll get a joke out.

Fucking hopefully. Fucking hopefully. That would be great, man. It's nice to meet you, it, maybe you'll get a joke out. Fucking hopefully. Fucking hopefully. That would be great, man. It's nice to meet you, bro. There you go. Michael Crawford, everybody. Good job, Michael Crawford. Catch his new one-hour special on Netflix called Three Mics.

Back to the bucket we go. The bucket. He was a quiet riot. Of destiny. This young lady's been on the show a few times. Always very impressive. A lot of people absolutely love her from this show. Put your hands together for Jesse Johnson, everyone.

Yay! Hey, Tony. All right. Glenn living on the rocks. More Glenn living on the rocks. Hey, so I've been living in L.A. now for a couple months Thank you I've met a lot of people I actually met someone Well, I mean, like I said, I've met a lot of people But I'm a fucking one of them

What's up? How's it going? Yeah. All right. It's good. It's good. Actually, we were about to bang back at my place the other day, but I have a roommate, and I really didn't want him to hear us, like, doing it. So in the moment, I changed all of my sex noises to ocean sounds. Ka, ka. Surf some bra. my sex noises to ocean sounds. Caw, caw. Surf some bra. The next day I saw my roommate and he was like,

uh, I slept great last night. The irony is, though, now that I live in Los Angeles, I can't get anywhere near an ocean without getting wet. And I don't swim. What's up? Yeah. Okay. I just fuck yeah.

There you go. Exactly a minute from Jessie Johnson with her new high five tags that she's added to some jokes. Hi, Jessie. Hey. So you've been here a couple months now? Yeah, three months in August. How's life going for you?

Wait, three months in August? Oh, three months in August. It's going good. Tony, I've been on this show. Where'd you come from? She's been on it every time I've been on it. Oh, really? Yeah.

I came from Phoenix. I actually saw my friends that were opening for you all weekend. Chappelle Lacey and Brant Tobler. I love those guys. I had a great weekend. Phoenix is fun. It's got really complimentary. You guys are so great.

Every time I've seen Jessie, she's had a great set. Yeah, she's a killer. That's the thing. When you said that you were having sex with one guy in L.A., you went over and gave this guy a high five. Are you really having sex with that guy right there? No. Oh, no?

Just trying to connect with the crowd. That's always good. Or that guy. When there's a room of 300 people, just high five the person in the front row. Then they're all immediately connected to you. Especially the creepy guy that looks like he's alone. Is it true that you're having sex with one guy? Yeah, one guy.

I'm monogamous. He's not. There you go. Oh, we didn't ask your religion, Jessie. No, yeah. That makes it sad. What makes you think that he's not monogamous as well? Oh, we talked about it.

Oh, he's not. I told him I'm into this guy a lot. So he him, you know, I'm into this guy a lot. So he says, you know, I'm seeing other people. And I told him, you know, I've never really been in an open relationship. And he assured me right away, like, we're not in a relationship. Do you talk about that on stage yet? A little bit. Okay.

That was a big laugh that you just got right there. Yeah. Has he ever taken out of that? You are better than that. That was a big laugh that you just got right there. You are better than that. You are a queen. That's right. I agree. Has he ever put his ear to your pussy and heard the ocean? Not yet, but I might try that later. I recommend if you really don't want to bother

your roommate, if you really want to have quiet sex, I don't know if you've met the guy Michael Crawford that was on just before you, but your roommate if you really want to have quiet sex. I don't know if you've met the guy Michael Crawford that was on just before you, but your roommate will sleep like a baby. I won't even know

he's there. You've been here a few months. You have a job yet? Yeah, I have a job, and I started doing studio audience work for just quick cash, so I've been picking a few months. Do you have a job yet? Yeah, I have a job. And I started doing studio audience work for just quick cash. So I've been picking up some stuff. What shows have you been in the audience for? My favorite one was At Midnight. That one was fun.

Some other game shows that I can't remember the name of. They must be good. Yeah, we'll see. One guy accidentally, I think, told the crowd that he was molested. It was weird. Well, Chris Hardwick has had some issues. Points, points, points. His last name is Hardwick.

Different show. All right. Well, Jesse, I mean, that's interesting. So the guy tells you that he's in an open relationship, but you really like him. Do you think part of you liking him is sort of that raw rock and roll thing that he is? Oh, yeah, most likely. Or maybe it's something to do with her dad. Probably.

I mean, I don't know. Is that bad? Is that wrong? This just got serious. I don't know. He kind of reminds me of my dad because he takes me out, he's good to me, he buys me stuff I want.

And fucks other women? Well, yeah. reminds me of my dad because he takes me out. He's good to me. And fucks other women? Yeah. I only see him every other weekend too. Is he older? I say get rid of that guy. Get rid of that guy and find a good guy. Yeah. Like young Abraham Lincoln in the front row.

Oh, what the fuck? I feel so connected to her right now that she did that. Just like this hot fucking dude just said, you know, you're a queen, you deserve it. I agree with that. From Khaleesi herself, wow. What'd you say? From Khaleesi herself, wow. Jesse, what have you been doing for fun

in your few months in LA other than stand-up comedy? What else are you into? Just drinking and chilling with friends is basically it. What do you like to drink? Beer. Whatever's available. Now I like her

because she does one of the two things I do I drink and I know things hell yeah relatable right alright half you watch the show fuck you people Jesse how long you been with this guy oh you know it's super cash

when you got here like a few months? No dress code. Yeah. Has there been a time in which like you've sort of known that he was just with another woman and it sort of stood out to you in some way or anything like that? No, nothing like that. You know, it has been nice because I, you know, yeah, my body's a temple and all that, but it's been nice moving out here and like having somebody that, you know, it has been nice because, you know, yeah, my body's a temple and all that. But it's been nice moving out here and, like, having somebody that, you know, and like. And that's been very beneficial and great. Wait, wait, wait. What's been beneficial and great?

It's been nice, like, moving out here and not knowing a ton of people and having somebody that I like to spend time with. Who wants to fuck you? Jessie, you're a girl. Every guy wants to fuck you. Oh, thanks, Russell Pierce. Whoa. I think somebody's opening on the road soon for someone. No, not me, but everyone else wants to fuck me.

You seem awfully young for me is what it is. I'm 27, baby. You're still younger than my career. Fuck. You're younger than my career. You're younger than my career, god damn it. So you said that you have a job but that lately you've been doing studio

audience work. That's in the entertainment field, though. That works. Yeah. Can you give us like a good laugh? Can you show us your studio audience laugh? It blends well. How about... That was me. I'm in that track.

Alright. Anything else, Jessie? No, that's all. Thank you so much. There you go. Jessie Johnson, everyone. She's on Twitter at Jetski Johnson. Jetski. Like the device. Like that you would take on a river. Jetski

Johnson. All one word. One more time for Jesse Johnson everyone. She's adorable. Okay. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Chaz Carter. What's up, y'all? Yeah.

Pride's underway. Give it up if you're an ally, or a mean old gay like myself. Give it up, give it up, give it up. Yeah, man. Yeah, all my friends have been traveling the, give it up, give it up. Yeah, man. Yeah, all my friends have been traveling the world, celebrating pride, going to all these events, posting about it, and then they're all texting me.

They're like, hey, how you gonna celebrate pride? I'm like, being gay at work. I have fucking bills to pay. I wish my bills were homophobic. I wish instead of a light bill, I just got a letter that said, fuck you, faggot. I'd be like, that's fair. That's cool. Just keep the lights on. Besides, I feel like I'm too old. I'm fucking 30. I feel like if you're 30 and over at Pride, you should just be chaperoning and handing out STD pamphlets. Like, why are you there? You know, I know you guys can't

tell that my age that I'm 30 because I look like a buff 13 year old. So it's a little that my age, that I'm 30, because I look like a buff 13-year-old, so it's a little confusing and shit. I'm good with that. I'm done with that. That's what I'm going to type up. Fuck yeah. There you go, Chaz Carter.

Chaz Carter. Coming in a little short on your time. I know. And in real life. I'm offended by that. I didn't think it through, so I was like, shit. I was like running up here like, what am I going to say? What am I going to say? What am I going to say?

Relax. Chaz, relax. Relax. Just breathe. Here's the thing. Chaz doesn't come across as gay, just his outfit. And then I was like, I was confused when he was talking about, oh, he's very pro. You are a tiny little gay guy.

You're like a gay spinner. Little fidget spinner. Bagot spinner. Yeah, I get that a lot. I don't know. People say I'm pretty masculine for a gay guy. Pretty masculine for a gay guy? I get that a lot.

From the most feminine gay guys. They're the ones that tell you that. Where are you from? Florida. Never Neverland. Where Peter Pan lives, not the Michael Jackson. That was the drummer. Tampa, okay, cool, man.

The hood. How long have you been in L.A.? Oh, man, I've been in L.A. over five years. Five years. Yeah, over five years. And where in Florida? Tampa. Tampa.

Yeah. So that you came straight from there. Well, not straight from there, but you came from there to here. Tony, I'm going to fucking rape you if you don't show up. I bet you would. Now, that is a match I would like to see. Trial by combat. You and Tony are wearing equally tight jeans tonight.

Tony, stand up. That's true. Mine weren't as tight earlier, but I worked legs today. You seem very athletic. Do you have any sports that you're into? Yeah. Well, I grew up in a pretty sports-oriented house. I played football in high school.

Tight end? Or the ball. Running back. I was second street running back. I played track. I danced. You played track. Yeah, I played track. I ran track. My back. I played track. I danced. And you played track. Yeah, I played track. I ran track, my bad.

You played track, you know. I played a track and then I ran in track. Were you really running track or was it just angry Tampa, Florida white people chasing you because you were gay? No, no, no, no. Get over here, you little. I'll tell you what, boy. No, actually, I didn't really deal with that a lot because I grew up in the hood.

Tampa is the hood. Well, I mean the projects within Tampa. That's Tampa on top of Tampa. So you grew up in the hood, a gay man. One could say that you were literally a young thug. For the ten rap fans in the room that know young thug is gay. The rest of you have no street cred with me

whatsoever. First of all, Tony, young thug is not hip-hop. Ever. Young thug? What? What do you call that? Rap? That is crap. Okay, whatever.

How dare you disrespect the you thank you Tony now when did when did you come out as gay to family or friends I was 21 family like me like 25 you just came out you brand new gay I mean I'm 30 Well yeah Alright cool That's fair And I'm like I imagine that That's not easy You know when you're In the hood in Tampa

Like it's kind of like Not at all Did you try pussy Yeah I have Like how many times How many times About four Oh

Yeah I'm well acquainted With pussy Nice Yeah No cause I can see Chicks digging you Oh no yeah I get hit on a lot by girls Like more than dudes It's funny I think, I'm well acquainted with pussy. Nice. Yeah. No, because I can see chicks digging you. Oh, no, yeah. I get hit on a lot by girls.

Like, more than dudes. It's funny. I think because I'm, like, scary to dudes. Well, you're a little, like, a little diesel motherfucker. That's why. Dude's like, I don't want to call that guy gay in case he beats my ass. You never fuck with the little guys. The little guys always fuck you up.

Yeah, we do. How long have you been doing stand-up? Sorry, I got a little prideful right there. I don't know if you're diesel or propane. Let's do a Mary Fuck Kill, Tony, Steve-O, and Russell. Oh, man. I'm pretty sure this one's easy. Mary Russell, Fuck Steve-O, Kill Tony.

Kill Tony. You're a marketing genius, Chaz. Thanks for the plug. Thanks, man. I'm a keeper. What kind of guy are you into? What's your perfect... Are you a top or a bottom?

Burst. Both. So you'd rather fuck Steve-O than Russell? bottom. Burst. What? Both. Did you say burst? Burst. So you'd rather fuck Steva than Russell? Russell seems like he would be more comfortable. We're married. We make love, goddammit. Yeah, we don't fuck.

Thank you. We're not savages. We look each other in the eyes and shit. Yeah, like this. Hey, can you see me, motherfucker? Head to head. So how long have you been doing stand-up? I'm coming up on a year.

Okay, cool. And is your material largely about being gay? No, I wouldn't say largely. I mean... No, no, I touch on religion, family, job experiences. Like job as in blowhand or work? No, work, Russell.

Sorry. What was the weirdest response you got coming out to your family or friends? Was there a wacky uncle? Can I do what I think happened? Go ahead. Just come out to me. I'm your uncle. All right.

All right. So, Uncle Russell, I got to tell you something. Uh-huh. I think I might be gay. This motherfucker here. Is that how you said it? Well, you can't call a gay guy a motherfucker, can you? It's impossible.

He's a father fucker. You fucking father fucker. So it was tougher to come out to the family. How did they take it? Yeah, because I grew up in a Southern Baptist family. Right, yeah, Tampa's kind of Bible Belt. Yeah, yeah, a little Bible Belt. Actually, my mom was super

cool about it. Did anybody have any inklings? Uh, my mom did. Why? Why do you think that is? Because she saw me tagged in a photo where I was, like, doing like this, and there was a dick above my hand. I make memes like that of my friends all the time. There's no

shortage of pictures of me like that. Your mother is a real private investigator. No, I was at a club in West Hollywood. I was real drunk, and there was a go-go dancer that my friend knew. And my friend was like, take a picture. And I was like, all right. And I didn't realize the next day that I was holding it like an hors d'oeuvre or some shit. It looked like it was Vanna White

unveiling and rapping. What's the gayest thing you've ever done in your opinion? The gayest thing I've ever done? Probably take it in the ass. That's pretty gay. It's pretty fucking obvious what that would be, Tony. You guys are letting him off the hook so fucking easy and you don't even know it.

You ever get E.C.O. lying in your dick? No. It can happen in there. Does that happen? Do you know what felching is? Steve-O, what the fuck is felching? Felching, it's like when you suck cum out of the hole. Oh. For example, that would be the gayest thing you ever did

if you've done it. It was on an... Steve-O answered the question for you. It was a deleted scene from the Jackass movie. I was like... Oh, bam. I'm Steve-O, and I'm about to suck this guy's dick. That actually happened one time.

To be more clear, I said I'm Steve-O and this is dick kissing. Talk about wild boys. My goodness. Talk about dick house. Dick house! Deep cut. I know my references. Whose dick was it, Steve-O? Chris Pontius.

Yeah. I planted a kiss right on the head of the Warhammer. Chaz, what stood out to you when you were with the four women as your least favorite part of it? What's something that you just can't sort of get over, get out of your head about the experience? It would have had to been the pussy. You guys

go sorry for her. I was wondering why her asshole wouldn't get wet. So I felched it. Chaz, answer the question. Well, man. I don't know, man. Now, listen, since you've been with chicks, right? Yeah. You're kind of like damaged goods in the gay community. No, not really.

Isn't there like gold standard? No, no, I feel like because I got like a test. You're like bronze. I did a test drive. I tried it out. It was cool. It was like a little Mary Kay sample. I had a bit.

It was, you know. I just wasn't... One of my gay friends told me about gold standard gay. I don't know what the fuck that means. Gold standard gay. I think I have heard of that. It's where they never touched a chick. They never kissed a girl, never touched a vagina, nothing. So Jeremiah.

Right. Then he told me about Platinum. Platinum. Platinum standard. That's where they never touched a girl, never kissed a girl, and they were born C-section. So Tony. My God. I thought that was called pure. They never even came out of a vagina. Oh my God.

What the fuck? Yeah. That's hot shit. Hey, did you cum when you fucked these chicks? Yeah, twice. Nice. With two of them, yeah. Were you thinking about a dude? Huh? Were you thinking about a dude while you were... No, I was just, like,

focusing real hard. At her butthole? It just didn't seem natural because, like, I couldn't, like... It didn't, like... It didn't feel good? She smelled all pretty and shit? Why does this asshole

smell like pussy? No, it was just... I don't know. It just seemed, like, not... I don't know. It just... like not, I don't know. Just, it didn't feel organic to me. Like, it felt.

Or orgasmic. Or, like, I just wasn't in it. You were in it. Oh, I mean, I was in it. I was in it, but I wasn't, like, in it. You know what I'm saying? I'll tell you, man, I think you're a really likable guy. And if you stick with this shit, I think you're going to do very well.

Absolutely. I completely agree. Chaz Carter, ladies and gentlemen. Good job, Chaz. Started from the bottom. And he stayed there. Now he's queer. There he goes.

Started with vagina. Now he's here. S. Carter 724 on Twitter. That's the real guy. S. Carter. S. Carter. Why are there so many fucking flies? Did you say the Indian guys

come and let's get some flies in here? They're not around us white people, Russell. I know. I'm that shit dick. I feel like a fucking UNICEF commercial. I will remember you. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Phil Kemp. Oh, man. So I recently got fired from my job. Yeah! Yeah, I was working as a repo man. And it ends up I'm not really good at oppressing minorities. I know, I look like it. But believe it or not, I do have black friends.

I actually have so many, I can't keep track of them. So I have this one app. It's called Black Friend Tracker. It's really just a police scanner. So, uh, what do you call a Native American with a cocaine problem? Finding Rock. Yeah. What do you call a Native American whose car won't start?

Broken whip. Yeah. Cool. Fine. Yeah, I'm kind of done. I'm kind of done. Fuck yeah. Hey, I got one. What do you call a white guy with no real jokes? Phil?

No, I'm kidding. I love racist, punch-lineless humor. Are you a real racist, Phil? No, no, I just look like it. You do. You really do look like it. I don't know that he looks like it. He looks like he's mixed. He's kind of like an Afro. He looks like the guy from Pulp Fiction that goes, bring out the gimp.

You know what I'm talking about? And then Brad jumps out. He looks like an unemployed Super Mario. Luigi. A lot of 70s porn happening on this guy right here. Phil, why have you done that to yourself? Chicks dig it. How old are you?

24. Wow. Damn. Wow. Shit. Wow. Damn. You don't look a day over 43. Incredible, Phil.

Why do you think you look like that at 24? How's that possible? How did life shit on you so bad? What did you do? What did you do? I just make a lot of bad decisions, okay? I mean, you make that snail tattoo on your arm. With fucking fire on it?

Yeah, man, it's fucking awesome. It's a snail? Fire snail? You know what? I'm going to get a tattoo of a toe jack on my toe. Steve-O, you're not allowed to call anyone's tattoo stupid. Touche. So, Phil, you're 24.

What's your daily diet consist of? Lots of Velveeta. Deep fried Velveeta. Does Velveeta come in a can? It's in a box. I don't know, man. Like frozen pizzas, you know, bachelor kind of food. You live by yourself? No,, bachelor kind of food. Yeah.

You live by yourself? No, with a bunch of people. How many people? Like about 13 or 14. 13? In what? In how many bedrooms? It stays in a hostel.

It's not just... Yeah, it's pretty much a hostel. But it's not. How many bedrooms is it? Like two. Wow. Where's this at? In a semi?

West Hollywood. West Hollywood. That's just called a gay bar. It's called a crack house. My goodness. Did you meet Shaz Carter? No, no, no. How long have you been living in that situation?

Happily for about two weeks. Happily for about two weeks. What made you happy? I don't know. It was just more people to talk to. When you live with that many people and you have to take a shit, like what do you do? Like you wait for the bathroom, Brian. Next question, Phil.

If it's two bedroom, where do you sleep? You go back down to Exxon and shit. I mean, 13 people though. We have bunk beds, okay? You know, it works. Yeah, you do? Is that true? Are you a top or a bottom? Bunk, though. We have bunk beds, okay? You know, it works. Yeah, you do? Is that true? Are you a top or a bottom?

Bunk, bunk. You know, bottom, bunk right now, but moving up to the top, maybe. How do you make money? Jealous. Well, you know, like... No, we don't. Paid audience work.

Really? Yeah, a little bit of that. What audience are you in? Like, Jesse Johnson, I could understand, paid audience work really yeah a little bit of that what audience are you in like Jesse Johnson I could understand but at midnight panning to your skull

he's in the studio audience for every Guy Fieri show these new Yoshi knives I like what they call it when the studio audience works yeah it's bullshit man it's just whatever

grueling grueling grueling, grueling. Do you do stand-up? Yeah, I do mostly musical act, actually. That's why I suck at jokes. Yeah. I mean, these guys do music, and they're pretty good at it. Yeah, well. I mean, not the drummer, but...

How much do you get paid for a studio audience job? It's like $12 an hour. $12 an hour just sitting there clapping? What do you do, about two or three hours a day? Yeah. They should pay you in sleeves. I don't believe in sleeves. I don't see how you get...

Or arm day. You generate enough studio audience work to make, to survive? What else do you do? You know what? I teach ukulele to kids. Oh. Now we're getting into it.

So he's a white donho. Were you actually a repo guy? Yeah, I used to be one. Where was that? In the valley. What kind of shit? We got all the shit. What's your craziest repo story?

Did anyone try to fight you or pull a gun on you or something? No, I wish. Every fucking day, I wanted people to pull guns on me. Your life is not that depressing. Oh, yeah, it is. I look like this. Brad, that's his outfit that's depressing. His life might be better.

Have you ever smoked crack? Yes. In the last hour or two? No. That was weed How recently did you smoke crack? Like six months ago Shocking

Where was that at? Do you ever TBT that on Instagram? TBT That one time I thought it was meth Is that true? Did you think it was meth? Yeah, that's why I smoked it. Wow.

And you've smoked meth before? I'm from Bakersfield, of course. Right. Yeah. That should be a new game show, so you think this is meth. Are you smarter than a crackhead? When's the last time you smoked meth? January.

January. So less recently than when you smoked meth? January. So less recently than when you smoked crack? Yes. So when you smoked crack, you had meant to smoke meth. When you smoked crack, you had meant to smoke meth.

Yeah, it was a weird night. Yeah, that's how you should describe it. What do you do after a night like that? After you thought you were smoking meth, but you accidentally smoked crack? Sign up for Kill Tony. Bath salts. Yeah, you have to move on to the hard stuff. What did you do after you smoked crack?

Well, you know... It doesn't have to be funny. Just tell the truth. Just kind of, you know, sat there in the Denny's parking lot and, you know, just... Twitched out. Kept, you know, twitching and telling myself it was going to be okay. You're sitting in a car? No, no.

Just sitting there? Yeah, in the parking lot. What part of the parking lot? A spot? Yeah. Like a parking spot. Yeah, I was in a parking spot. At what point did you find out that it was not meth?

About, like, 30 minutes in. Oh, yeah? It took a while, actually. I was like, oh, fuck. This is not what I expected. Did you find crack to be delicious? Yeah, I wondered why the meth was delicious. Right.

You know? Tasty stuff. Crack tastes good? Is that true, Steve-O? Well, I've always known it to be pretty delicious. Damn. Not even good. Straight to delicious.

Isn't crack only good the first time? What? What? Isn't crack only good the first time, What? Isn't crack only good the first time and then every time after that it's just chasing that first crack high? I think so. I think they call that chasing the dragon.

That's why I have a heroin thing. The dragon's right behind you, Phil. Hey, what's up? How you doing, buddy? Haven't seen you since that one time I thought that heroin was cocaine The chemistry is off the charts On the stage right now

Phil You are an interesting guy How long have you been on stand up About four years Wow you'd never know A lot of the 13 people that you live with They're comedians too Like one of them

What do the rest of them. One of them. What do the rest of them do? Just fucking nothing? It's like an Airbnb. So some of them are tourists. Some of them are just like shitheads like me. You know, whatever. Do you ever use that as a statistic?

As a statistic? Do you ever use that as a statistic? No. One in every 14 people is a comedian. All right. That wasn't very good. Phil, you're bringing down my IQ. Oh, come on. Phil, I almost wish you were as quiet as Michael, what's his name, Crawford.

Yeah, I know. But there you go. There he goes, Phil Kemp, everybody. Catch him in your local Denny's parking lot smoking crack or heroin or something like that. We have a regular on this show. Let's do that, and then we're going to go back to the bucket again after that. But right now we're going to bring up our one regular. She writes

and performs a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. She does not get pulled out of the bucket. She has her spot locked in. Put your hands together for the great Allie Makofsky, everyone. Yay, Allie! Hi, it's great to be here. I just got fired from my job, I think.

I'm not sure, though. I just haven't been scheduled, so I called them. I said, hey, what's going on? They were like, yeah, we actually just hired someone to cover all of your shifts. I was like, so does that mean I'm fired? She was like, yeah, I guess so. I think it might be because of my haircut. I shaved my head and I feel like it makes everything I do seem way more intense. Like, I could just be walking a dog, and someone will be like, she's training that dog to fight.

And it's just a poodle. I get dick pics sometimes, and I never really know how to respond to them. Like, I'm not good at that, like, flirty, hot texting. So I just respond to dick pics like it's a food menu. I'm like, mm, that looks nice. There you go, Ali Makovsky. Ali Makovsky.

Another new minute. Everybody knows you. Everybody loves you. Another new minute. How's life going? I mean, getting fired was the best thing that just happened. You got fired from the movie theater? No, I've been fired from there for a while now. The restaurant that you only work one day a week. Yeah, I only worked one day a week, so when I got fired, I was like, yeah, I've been fired. You know?

I was like, did I ever work here? You were horrible at that job, right? I'm horrible at most jobs where I have to help people eat. Yeah, but you kill it on Stranger Things. Thank you so much. Also, Allie, it's disrespectful to say fire in front of Steve-O, please. It's really weird, Allie, to see a Jew really embrace the skinhead culture. I know, it's very confusing for me.

Okay. So what else has been going on? How are you going to supplement your income now that you've lost your one solitary job? Gosh, I don't know. Does anyone have suggestions? Camming. Webcam.

Someone yelled stripping and it came out of the exact area where I sat your mom earlier. So that's really bizarre. Put your hands together for Mrs. Makofsky is in the house. Yeah. Wait, no, it's not. I'm sorry. That was Pat Reagan's mom.

I got confused. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan's mom, everybody. Mrs. Reagan's in the house. Would you ever do stripping? Would you ever do, like, webcamming or anything like that? No. No. Good answers. do stripping? Would you ever do like web camming or anything like that? No. No. Good answers. Good answers. Why did you wink? Somebody said why. I didn't wink.

I just don't have the confidence for it. Really? Yeah, I feel like I'd be like too quirky. What do you think you're going to do? You really don't have any idea? No, I have no idea. You're just going to run out of money? Yeah.

Wait, I want to hear the scenario about a quirky webcam girl. That's exactly what fucking Jeremiah Googles. Anything else interesting happen this past week in your life? Any boys or anything fun? No, nothing interesting. I watched Game of Thrones for the first time. That's awesome. Never a day too soon.

How did we do? Well, I ended up just swiping on Bumble the whole time. Like a true queen. All right. Skyping on Bumble? Swiping. Swiping on Bumble. Are you swiping for dudes or chicks?

Dudes. Okay, good. Yeah. Does Bumble work for you a lot? It works for like validation and stuff. Because guys will hit on you but you won't meet with them but them hitting on you gives you enough? I just want to know that I'm wanted.

Well, that's very honest, Allie. This sounds like a deep problem you should probably look into. Okay. All right, Allie. We're going to get another human being up here. Another new minute from your regular Allie Makovsky. She's Magic Allie Mack on Twitter and Instagram.

Magic Allie Mack. Back to the bucket we go. Put your hands together for Rosalie Mayu. Rosalie Mayu. She got a little pop there. Make some noise

for Rosalie Mayu, everybody. Come on. We're almost to the finish line. Fuck me. All right, so how many people here have parents? You call them, you ask them for money? Oh, you liars. Because I have two grown sons, but I don't pick up the phone anymore.

Because every time I do, it costs me $500. He's laughing. He fucking knows. Really. How come everything costs $500? I mean, on a good day, it's $500. On a bad day, they can ask you for $5,000. I mean, like they call me.

They're at the Jeep dealership. They had to go to a dealership that couldn't go to fucking Pep Boys. They called me from the Jeep dealership and said, Mom, Mom, we need four new tires for my safety, Mom, for my safety. You know how much four new tires is going to cost me? Thank you. Who said that? What? Thank you.

Thank you. Fuck yeah. Rosalie Mayu, everybody. Yeah. It's so awesome for you to take a break from hanging out with your 35 cats to be here today, Rosalie. How many cats do you have in real life? You have cat lady hair. Oh, fuck no.

You don't have a cat? Fuck no. Really? What school do you teach at? I know I'm close to something. Have you ever banged one of your son's friends? No, that was her job. No, his job.

Whoa, what just happened here? I don't know what happened. Something weird took a fucking turn there. Rosalie, you seem like you are thinking about something but you're not saying it. Like you said, fuck me, oh fuck. Because guys, I love you.

I mean, really. Russell Peters, come on. Fucking hell. Steve-O. Kill Tony. I mean, I've been wandering the hallways here for a year and a half. And Daenerys Stormborn.

Yeah. It's good to see you two next to each other. I've never seen the grandmother of dragons before. Thank you. Yes, I am. So, Rosalie, why have you been wandering the hallways here for a year and a half? What does that mean? You're a fan of comedy?

She's been haunting it since her death in 1824. Ah. And now I'm back. I'm glad I now know what Daria would have looked like if she grew up and did heroin. Yes. No, I look like Nick Nolte. Yeah, you're pretty spot on there. Okay, okay.

Which I saw him in the grocery store and he said, nice hair, lady. Is that true? No. That was a good joke, though. Thank you. If you executed it well, it would have been perfect. So what's your story?

How many kids do you have? I have two grown sons. How grown are they? They're fucking grown. They're 25 and 30. And they're calling you for $500 per call? Oh, yeah. Is that true? Oh, absolutely. And they're calling you for $500 per call? Oh, yeah. Is that true?

Oh, absolutely. But they do it sneaky. Like it's for tires. That's what y'all do, right? No, nobody does that. You raised your kids poorly, Rosalie. That's what happened here. I was about to mention that.

I'm a Los Angeles parent, yes. It's true. So how are those two failures? What do they do now? What do they... They're musicians. Right? Welcome to your family.

This is my family. This is them. I have deep appreciation. What do you do for work, Rosalie? Librarian. I've been an actress for 25 years. Yeah. Really?

Have you been in anything that we recognize? Murder, She Wrote or something like that? Saying elsewhere? A famous movie. Lawnmower Man, a cult movie. What were you in Lawnmower Man? Were you one of the studio audience?

The lawnmower? I was Carla Parker. She was the lawnmower. I'll say it again. The next door neighbor. I was the scary neighbor. Really? No, I was the nice lady next door with a kid. Of course I was. I'm the mom. I play the mom in over 300 commercials. You remember

Josh? Wow, our autistic friend Josh Meyerowitz remembers you specifically. Thank you. Thank you. There you go. As you can tell, he gets more autistic every week. It was not a good movie. We're going to be serving hot dogs and Asperger's after, guys.

It's a really cool jacket you have, Rosalie. You have cool style. Let me ask you this. Are you still with your baby daddy? No. What are you doing nowadays? Are you dating? Are you on any of the apps? No, I thought I would

do stand up for the last year and a half which chases just about every guy in the world away pretty quick especially with the material that you did here I mean if you sucked as bad as your jokes did maybe you'd get more guys

you made the audience more tired than your son's car I mean, if you sucked as bad as your jokes did, maybe you'd get more guys. But I'm saying. You made the audience more tired than your son's car. Tired joke? No? All right. Fuck it. So what made you want to do this for the last year and a half? What changed?

I got cancer. Whoa. What kind of cancer? Let's try to bring the room down. You're welcome. Is that a weird question to ask? No. I mean, there's a to bring the room down. You're welcome. Is that a weird question to ask? No, I mean, there's a lot of it going around. It's airborne. Yeah.

Hope it's not contagious. I call it dragon tears. Are you beating it? What's your prognosis? Yes, it's pretty good. It's a special kind of breast cancer that kicks your ass pretty good. It's called triple negative, and people don't usually survive it.

Triple negative was one of the original names for the Kill Tony band, by the way. Well, there's five tonight, so it doesn't really work. Normally there's three. Good one, Tony. Four and a half. Triple negative, but you're in remission, or?

I prefer to say cured. Oh, I like that. Fuck yeah. I like that. Yeah, babe. Thank you. That is some of the breast news I've heard all day. Hello.

So you managed to nipple that one in the bud. Fuck yeah. I love that. Thank you. That's just great. Now it's hard to make fun of her. No, no, no. Now that you're cured, are you going to quit doing stand-up?

No. I haven't taken the cure for that yet. Oh. Well, laughter is the best medicine. Except unless it's in Burbank. They did. They called me and they said gee you know what laugh therapy it saves lives

and I said oh great where is it they said it's St. Joe's in Burbank and I said Burbank comedy stores right that's a good joke with your friends though that's like one of those ones you were coming to kill Tony a year and a half ago

that joke did not make it out of permission. Dad. Burbank? Really? Yeah. That joke's in palliative care. That joke probably would have done better over at stage four. Yes.

What was the first thing you did when you found out you were in remission? Cured. Smoked cigarettes. With her tits. With heroin. I don't remember. At that point, you're so out of it. I actually went to a photo shoot for a job,

and I see the pictures now. Just so fucking loaded. Chemo, you feel nothing. You think crack something? Fucking do chemo. You hear that, kids? The new drug sweeping the nation. It's called chemo.

Oh. You hear that, kids? The new drug sweep of the nation. It's called chemo. Stevo, if you do chemo, does that mean you've fallen off the wagon? I don't think so. I feel like I really missed out. Come on, Stevo.

Try it. Everybody's doing it. Hey, I'm Stevo, and I'm going to try chemo today. This is chemotherapy. What made you do that? Fire Angel, by the way. Are you working on a new project or something? Or do you just get the Jones to do crazy shit sometimes? I am working on a new project.

Oh, wow. Holy shit. Yeah, wow. Holy shit. Yeah, thank you. Word to the wise to never cross my dragons. You can also catch Steve-O performing this year at Burning Man. All right. Well, Rosalie, so you're saying that you started coming here about a year and a half ago. You started watching Kill Tony.

You had cancer, and you watched enough Kill Tony. You had cancer and you watched enough Kill Tony to where the cancer went away completely. That's right. This is the cure. That's just proof once again right there that we are the number one live podcast in the world. You heard it here. We cure cancer at Kill Tony. Rosalie, anything else

you want to say? No, thank you very much. There she goes. Rosalie Mayu. Yeah, fuck cancer. Rosalie Mayu. You guys want to go to the, thank you very much. There she goes. Rosalie Mayu. Rosalie Mayu. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time? Alright. Then we will. Alright, let's see what happens here.

Put your hands together for Dustin Hadlock, your final comedian of the night. Dustin Hadlock! Thanks, guys. So I like punk a lot. I like punk music. When I was in high school, I used to like this punk band a lot called Anti-Flag.

Anybody heard of that band? No? Anti-Flag? I don't know. It's really like politically American punk band, and they would talk like they're from the UK on stage, you know? So I remember being in high school and waiting to see Anti-Flag come out, and they come out, and they're like, Hello, we want to thank you for coming out tonight but first

we want to say fuck racism, fuck sexism fuck homophobia and most of all fuck George W. Bush we're anti-flag from Pittsburgh Pennsylvania We're anti-flag from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

They're doing British accents tonight, too. I don't like to get along with my... I don't get along with my dad. Because he thought... Come on! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit! Dustin, relax, relax. What's going on, buddy? Are you going to be okay? The minute didn't go how you thought it would? I've never gotten called here before. I've signed up six fucking times,

and I'm here! And you did nothing with your opportunity. One of these random audience members who haven't signed up six times could have blatantly done a better job than whatever you just did. Oh, okay. Anybody ready for

those new anti-flag jokes? That's the market. Everybody wants it. I can't believe those didn't hit. I should have known, Dustin, this wasn't going to go well when I noticed you are still wearing your Saddle Ranch wristband.

No, I got this at the Saddle Ranch. It is Saddle Ranch. Yeah, that's true. I remember them at the... Saddle Ranch. No. At Saddle Ranch. Oh, yeah, it is Saddle Ranch. Yeah, that's true. Yep. Yeah. I remember them checking the IDs. Yeah, yeah. Was there actually more than one anti-flag joke?

I mean, come on. Who is that? No one's ever told an anti-flag joke before. I mean, I don't know. Come on. There's a reason, Dustin. All right, yeah, yeah, thanks. Oh, God.

Dustin, do you always dress like a young Forrest Gump? Yeah. You do? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I don't know. What do you always dress like a young Forrest Gump? Yeah. You do? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I don't know. What do you do for a living? Like every... I work for Postmates and Uber Eats and shit.

I do all the... Do you ever do studio audience work? No, I don't. He's in a group called Anti-Gump. Have you ever peed into your own mouth? No. No, no. Well, Steve-O has.

Tell him about it. It's funny. Yeah. Man, I knew this was going to happen. How long have you had the cancer from the last woman? Oh, hey-o. Cancer the question. From the last woman.

Oh, hey-o. Can't answer the question. Dustin, how long have you been doing stand-up? For four years. Wow, really? Yeah. Four years? Yeah, that's when I started four years ago.

How long has the anti-flag joke been killing? Oh, I don't know. Where are you from? Phoenix. How long have you been in LA? For like three years. I went back to Phoenix for a little bit, but I came back. Are your parents proud of you?

Yeah, yeah. I think so. Because of the Uber Eats thing or because of the bad comedy? Oh, God. Hey, at least you can deliver food. Yeah, there you go. There you go. There you go.

There you go. Five stars all the way. Five stars. Hell, yeah. Uber Eats, what's the difference between that and Postmates? Nothing. Nothing. Well, I mean, I don't know. It's kind of like the difference between anti-flag and pro-flag.

I don't know. Dustin's bringing down my shit. You used to be into anti-flag. What are you into now? What do you do for fun? You know, play music. You play music? What do you play?

You play drums? No, not very well. Well, no, neither does... Good answer. Neither does anti-flag. Okay, so you're free of the Mexican drum off. What instrument do you play? I can play guitar.

I play guitar for a long time, but I also go to open mics all the time. Bass or lead? Lead. Well, there's acoustic guitar, electric guitar. I know how many guitars there are. Oh, yeah. I can jam along with someone,

play lead or rhythm guitar. My friend's here, and her father. Oh yeah, I can jam along with someone, play lead or rhythm guitar. My friend's here and her father is George Lynch who was a fucking mean guitarist. Oh, okay. Yeah, and she's hot.

Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. Dustin, what's one of the weirdest things about you that you normally wouldn't want the public to know but you're going to

say it out loud anyway? I don't know. What's an embarrassing thing that you do on a daily basis? Like a part of your routine life where you're like, man, I hope nobody ever finds out about this. I was just about to say it.

I don't know. What's something embarrassing that makes you vulnerable? Interactions that I've had with my friends, like when we've just gotten in arguments or fights after being too drunk or something. I always get really bent out of shape about that afterwards. What do you do? What makes it so bent out of shape?

Just getting into arguments about small things. Like what? Brad can hear you. Like what? I don't know. We'll start off arguing about something small and then it will turn into a big fight. I can't really think of like... Starts off with Brad and ends up as Jeremiah.

Tony, this is Lord Varys speaking. I know that girl right there. I hung out with her. Cool story, bro. Jesus. She saw me bomb, apparently. Dustin, you're the worst. She's anti-Dustin right now.

Tony, can I say something? Dustin, we're going to let you go. Dustin Hadlock, there he goes. We're going to go to the bucket one more time. How about that? Yeah. Dustin, it's not that we didn't enjoy it. No.

No. One more minute. Put your hands together for Jerome Tenniso. Jerome? No Jerome? All right, fuck it it let's end the show One more? You guys want one more?

One more? Patrick Reilly Or yes Patrick Reilly Patrick Reilly One more? Johnny C. I guess a lot of these lazy fucking comedians

want to leave before the end. Daniel Vargas? Hey, wait, there's Michael Crawford. Why don't we just get him back up here again? Put your hands together for Jeffrey Allen, everybody. I feel like he's here. He has good handwriting. Jeffrey Allen?

Is this him? Here he comes. Closing out tonight's show. Oh. Jeffrey Allen Just FYI, last time I was on here I did a lot of coke So I went a little fast and didn't breathe So I'm going to try to go a little bit better So

And I'm Jeffrey Allen this time because he didn't say my last time My name is Jeffrey Frucci There we go One more? My name is Jeffrey Frucci. There we go. One more? Start talking, you fucking idiot. So I think, I know it's been through a lot of stuff, but I still love Bill Cosby, you know?

And I kind of wish he would stop and Donald Trump would switch spots. Say that again? I wish Bill Cosby and Donald Trump would switch positions. Louder. Right into it. Louder. Say it. Why do you want Bill Cosby and Donald Trump to switch positions?

So he can grab Trump by his pussy. I wish I could hear him say you could grab women by the pussy. I think him saying that would be a lot better. I wish Donald Trump could have all the 50 rape allegations and go through court. Because I still love Bill Cosby as a comedian. I'm just going to say, I've never heard the entire audience revolt like this before. We've done about 230 episodes of this show,

and I've never seen the whole audience at once. Just, fuck you! We don't want it anymore. You fucking loser! And I never would have guessed that somebody would have hacked off of Michael Crawford's performance from earlier. Wow. That is incredible.

I'm curious, how long have you been a hitman with hacky sacks? Since the last time you were on Coke, huh? Yeah, it was. Maybe it seems to be the way to go. I was told to breathe last time you were on Coke, huh? Yeah, I was. Maybe it seems to be the way to go. I was told to breathe last time. Just say yes. Wow. What an episode.

What's your name again? You're Jeffrey Allen, right? You didn't say my name right last time. It's Frucci. Frucci? Frucci? Yeah, F-R-U-C-C-H-E. No one's ever going to need to know that. Let's not insult Frucci. Frucci? Frucci? Yeah, F-R-U-C-H-E. No one's ever going to need to know that.

Let's not insult Frucci at this point. You guys are very emotionally moved tonight. Whoa. Ooh. Where are you from? I was born in Michigan. Born in Michigan, okay. I was born in Hawaii before this.

What age did you get hit in the head with a titanium baseball bat? You said that joke last time. No, I know, because it worked so well on you. I got an applause break both times. It's incredible. I knew it was that good. Were you raised in Michigan or in Hawaii? Born and raised. What part of Michigan? Beaverton. Right in the middle.

We had a guy here from Detroit earlier. That's right. 313. I know what it is. We've all seen the Eminem movie. Anything else for Jeffrey? Steve-O, before we get out of here? Have you ever peed into your own mouth? There he goes, Jeffrey Allen, ladies and gentlemen.

We did it. Episode 200 and something of Kill Tony, live from the main room. Look at Ryan J. Ebel's drawing. Look what he did while you sat there and did nothing. He drew that. You can check it out after the show on the front patio. We're all going to be high-fiving everybody. I'm on the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour the entire month of August and some of September.

We go all around the country. My awesome agents routed it for me beautifully, and I'm really excited about it. Tickets for that are available at TonyHinchcliffe.com, and Jeremiah Watkins is going to be featuring for me on all those dates. Rock clubs, Gramercy Theater, Aladdin Theater from Portland to New York City, all the way. We're having a blast. What else, guys?

Plug some stuff. Steve-O, go ahead. The great Steve-O was here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. guys. Plug some stuff. Steve-O, go ahead. The great Steve-O was here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. My website is steve-o.com. And you do have a ton of awesome merch

and stuff available that I've actually checked it out. I was about to buy a pair of Steve-O sunglasses. I think I'm going to. They are available. I might be able to hook you up. Whoa. Now we're going to buy it, Steve. We're going to buy it. And God bless you, Tony. You're fucking talented. I really be able to hook you up. Whoa! Now we gotta buy it, Steve. We gotta buy it. And God bless you, Tony. You're fucking talented. I really, really do appreciate it.

Thank you so much, Steve-O, and thanks for coming on. So, so fun. It's incredible that someone who I loved for shoving stuff up his butt is truly as funny as you are. It is surprising to me. Thank you, man. Thank you for saying that. From your asshole to your brain, you're just

very impressive. Well, I love you. Russell Peters, ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest comedians in the world. Certainly the richest. One of the few people to be on Kill Tony and the Forbes list. What's up, Russell? What do you got coming up? Let's see. We are on Just for Laughs

next week, and then McCaroline's in New York in August. I'm working on my new act right now. So the new tour will start in January. It's called Deported. And until then, I'll be in clubs all around America working on my act. Do you know what part of August you're at the Gramercy exactly by any chance? Oh, I see.

Are you at the Gramercy? Yeah. Or no, I'm at Caroline's. Yeah, I'm there the weekend of the McGregor-Mayweather fight. So that's when we're there. You should maybe come do a pop-in at the Gramercy or hang out with us or something. We're all going to be there.

I'm there Wednesday to Saturday. I mean, it's sold out, but I'll fucking plug it anyway. Yeah, we're doing the same thing. Me and Jeremiah are going to be hanging out. And Jeremiah's going to be opening for me on some dates. I love that. And Jamar. I've got to get both of them. I owe them a date.

I had to knock them off of an Omaha date. The great Brad Williams, everybody. Tyrion motherfucking Lannister. That's right. Just an interesting fact about Brad Williams. When he plays the clubs, they pay him under the table. Carry on. Thank you guys for having me.

Please check out my podcast, The About Last Night Podcast. All three of you have been guests on that podcast. Go to BradWilliamsComedy.com. See me live at a city near you. That's right. Make some noise for the great Mother of Dragons, Jeremiah Watkins!

Jeremiah's got everything going on. Go ahead, Jeremiah. Follow me on social media media At JeremiahStandUp See me on the Tony Hinchcliffe Monster Energy Drink Tour And also catch me in Montreal with my show Stand Up On The Spot Next week July 25th and 26th at the Catacombs The article Jeremiah Watkins Part of every big show

Patty Reagan's on Twitter at Patty Reagan. Yeah, Russell? I was just going to say Jeremiah Watkins is at the anti-flag reunion tour this year. You have the actual dragon back there, the bass player, Jeremiah? You want to bring it home? Chris Dillon at Chroma Chris on Instagram at the Chroma Chris on Twitter. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Boom.

Hey, I want to give a shout out to Wayne Harris from Brooklyn. Killed Tony fan going through some rough times. Want to send him love from the squad. Guys, let's give him a big round of applause. That's true. At Mostly Sorry. He's at Mostly Sorry on Twitter. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe.

Brian Redband. Hey, I'll be in Toronto next week, and then next month, Minnesota and Edmonton. When are you in Toronto? 27th, 28th, 29th. That's the fucking day I'm in Montreal. Live audience, we love you. Hey, you are part of the biggest audience we've ever had here at the Comedy Store in our history. Thank you so much for your support.

We love you. We'll see right back. responsibility. F the police. Booze stopping you from killing me. This ass is the ass goes on loop by P.E. If it's high instead of we believe in TV. We're the rich and bitches. It's new thing about snitches. Watch them asses move as the masses switches. System distant but barely mister. My soul and tips gonna save my brothers and sisters.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Thank you.