KILL TONY - KILL TONY #226

Episode Date: August 17, 2017

Bert Kreischer, Dom Irrera, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 08/14/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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That's August 16th through the 20th at the House of Comedy in the Mall of America. August 21st, we're not going to have a Kill Tony show at the Comedy Store, but we are doing a Death Squad secret show. And we're supposed to have Ron White and Burt Kreischer and a bunch of Kill Tony past guests. You can go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates for more info.

Also, Tony Hinchcliffe is on the road with Jeremiah Watkins right now. He has a bunch of tour dates. He's in Charlotte, North Carolina. He's going to San Francisco, Massachusetts, Portland, Oregon, Tacoma, Washington.

Just go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all the Tony Hinchcliffe news. Also, check out Ryan J. Ebelt's website, RyanJEbelt.com. He's the house artist, and he sells the Kill Tony poster. He also has prints of all the past episodes that he has drawn. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe.

We have the new Kill Tony shirt there right now. We also have a new Death Squad shirt, and we've got some fidget spinners and stickers. Check out shopsquad.tv. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe.

Hello, everybody. Hello. Welcome. Here we are. Yes. Woo. You guys ready for a great fucking show tonight or what? Brian Redband's here in the house on the ones and twos. Yes, we have the great Ryan J. Ebeld here, house artist. Look at him already drawing tonight's episode. Super excited. We're streaming live in VR 360 for the fourth week in a row.

We are at the helm of that, our good friends. We're in VR. And we are at the helm of that. Our good friends. We're in VR. And we're also streaming on Ustream. For you people that complained about not having the simple stream that you're used to for your viewing parties, we're also streaming on Ustream. I'm in the middle of the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour. Yes, you are. It's absolutely crazy.

Tomorrow morning, I fly to Columbia, South Carolina. Shows there, then Atlanta, and Charlotte all weekend, the 17th, 18th, and 19th. Five shows in Charlotte. All these shows are with Jeremiah Watkins. The 26th, New York City at the Gramercy Theater. Boston after that the next night, the 27th. And then Portland, the first, in L.A. And San Francisco, too.

But I forgot to say that San Francisco's in the mix. I'll be in Minnesota this week over at the world famous Mall of America. I'll be doing seven shows with Kate Quigley. God damn. Minneapolis, Minnesota.

I have new THC tour shirts and tour posters that are on sale at my website and also hey, look who it is. It's the producer of the hey look who it is it's the producer of the show josh martin he's been the producer of the show since its absolute inception and i'm honored to say he's the newest paid regular at the comedy store the hardest thing to accomplish in all of stand-up comedy one week ago today he showcased in the original room and literally accomplished something insane by becoming the newest paid regular at the store.

You know what I have been really enjoying about doing the road, Brian? Oh, yeah? One of the cool new things that I have is the Dollar Shave Club. I know. It's the smarter choice. Get a great shave at a great price conveniently delivered right to your door. It's an awesome life hack.

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at dollarshaveclub.com slash kill. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash kill. You can get this offer exclusively at dollarshaveclub.com slash kill. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash kill. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash kill. There's no show next week for the first time in a very long time. We have an emergency non-episode next week. I'm shooting a television show in New York City to be named later.

But we're going to do a comedy show. It might rhyme with Game of Thrones. No, it's not that one. We're going to do a comedy show, though, with a lot of Death Squad favorites. Cool stand-up comedy show here in place of Kill Tony. One last quick shout-out that I want to give out. A fan of the show that comes here every single week who I fell in love with when I did crowd work on him in the belly room a couple years ago. My boy Christian, it's his birthday today.

It's the big boy in the booth. He's here every single Monday. We love him. And that's everything. Shall we bring out tonight's guests? You guys ready to get this fucking party started? We always have two of the funniest comedians in the world. You know these guys from being guests on this show before

and they're hundreds and hundreds of accomplishments in the comedy world. Two of the best comedians in the world. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Bert Kreischer and Dom Irera. Oh, yeah. You motherfuckers. On a Monday night. Dom Irera.

Motherfucking house. And the machine. Bert Kreischer. Welcome back, gentlemen. It smells like McDonald's in here. It's the main room on a Monday. I watched the founder last week on an airplane for the first time. That intro that he does when he goes, dollars to donuts, dollars to donuts.

I fucking have done that in a mirror to myself, drunk in a hotel room a hundred times. That is so sad. Sad as shitting blood in an airport, Tom. Yeah, I know what you mean. No, that's me. I shit blood in an airport. Where the fuck...

Jeez. Guess we can't be real tonight. When did you shit blood at the airport? Was that recent? When haven't I? Those early mornings where you're shaky and you go to the bathroom, your stomach doesn't feel right, you shit blood. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

No, I don't have that. We can all relate to that. Well, here we are. You guys have both done this show before. You know how it goes. You know one of the most fun things about this show is we have a big, wacky band. It's one of my favorite things in the world.

Every week they commit to different characters. I never know what they're going to do. So it all happens. We all see it all together. Somehow they pull it off. It's my favorite band in the entire world. It's the Kill Tony Band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and the bass player whose name I forget every

single week. Every single week. Oh my God. Yeah. When you were eight and you had bad traits, you go to school and learn the golden rule. So why are you acting like a bloody fool? If you get hot, then you must get cool, baby. Oh, wow. They are definitely police officers.

Three of them have mustaches, and Jeremiah is clearly a bicycle cop that only bicycles up and down Santa Monica Boulevard. Who stole my damn bike? Well, good day, officers. I guess we're going to be on our best behavior. You better damn right be. For Chicago. Oh, you are? Yeah, Tony.

Listen. Is that the only Chicago cop out of all you guys? No, Chicago Bike Prec Oh, no. Is that the only Chicago cop out of all you guys? No, Chicago by Precinct 2147. Wow. Even the Mexican? I just walked the beat, Tony. That's it. Just walked the beat. The great Joel Berg is back

there. Jeremiah Watkins with the helmet. Pat Reagan, bass player. What's the bass player's name? Chris Dillon. Chris Dillon. Chris Dillon. I like that the costumes weren't enough for them, that they had to have backstories. That is so fucking gay, Jeremiah. What are those shorts? That is a federal offense to verbally assault an officer.

You better watch your mouth, Mr. Herrera. I'm excited about this. You guys know how it works comedians get 60 seconds they all sign up on pieces of paper before the show starts we take the names we put them in Ichabod's bucket of destiny

we stir the names around I pull a name out they do 60 seconds and then we interview them we meet a stranger for the first time sometimes it's characters that we know comedians you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. We can barely hear that.

That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. More like Chicago bears. There you go. The annoying part of the. There you go. The annoying part of the show for you listeners. So here we go. You guys ready to start Kill Tony? All the pieces are in place. Here we fucking go.

Boom. Lighting switch. I like that choreography. That's sweet. Your first comedian tonight goes by, we know this guy. He's always very consistent. Put your hands together for regular Kill Tony character, Mikey McKernan, everybody. Yeah!

Thank you. My name is Mikey. I didn't name myself. I'm the youngest of six, which sucks because I had to play catch up my whole life and now I like it on everything. Boo. Ha. Ha.

Even salads. What? Ketchup salads? You guys don't like ketchup salads? That's healthy. I feel healthy too because it makes me feel like I salads? That's healthy. I feel healthy too, because it makes me feel like I hunted and murdered some earth. Yeah, my vegan friends don't like that attitude,

or I like to call grass holes, boo, ha. Anybody go to a house party this weekend? Anybody go to a house party this weekend? Don't laugh, you'll encourage him. I don't go to house parties because drunk girls always try to straight iron my hair. But I like for the dance parties, I was dancing. Straight guys, we got to dance more. So one girl's like, damn, you got some good moves.

Are you a break dancer? Mikey McKernan. Thank you. Oh, Mikey, Mikey. What's up, guys? That was fun. Oh, Mikey Mikey. What's up, guys?

That was fun. Bert, you were basically leaking your thoughts throughout that. It seemed like you really enjoyed his boo-has. I was... I wasn't even listening to what you were saying. I was waiting for the boo-ha. I went through a period where I was trying to do... Is that called a catchphrase? Or like a...

Like a hook? Like a... Catchphrase. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would make myself laugh at just how ridiculous they were, and that made me giggle. The boo. Huh?

Huh? Huh? I could tell throughout your entire set that Dom Irera was hating you with every ounce of... I wasn't hating you. I love the fact of your commitment. You just need more talent, you know. Thanks, Dom.

No, but I mean, you gave it all you had. Where did the boo-ha come from? Just making people laugh and then my friends were like, you should do that on stage. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for over nine years. Have you always had the boo-ha in your repertoire? Keep it.

Thanks, yeah. When did the boo-ha come in? Probably year five. Year five. You've had that for four years? Yeah. You don't remember what actually started it, though? Yeah, just being dumb, like saying dumb jokes.

You'd like that. And you were doing it with your buddies, but you noticed that it made your buddies laugh the way you did the boo-hahs. Yeah, and I was like, I would never do that on stage because it's kind of... Does it annoy you now, though, because you've been doing it so long? No, it's kind of, it's just you own it. Like you said, once you commit for a while, and then to be honest, I'm amazed that people enjoy it. Do you think that, I mean, best case scenario, right?

I mean, you end up getting famous from it, and then all of a sudden you're just going to have people yelling at you all the time. They're going to heckle me. Boo-ha! Yeah, I'll put the pole at Dave Chappelle and, I don't know, go to Ireland, I guess. Yeah, I'll put the poll with Dave Chappelle and, I don't know, go to Ireland, I guess. I don't think it, I don't, if you did it with a bunch of jokes that really sucked, which you got a lot of. Yeah. And did it as like a chunk of like, these next jokes I'm working on.

So to help them through, I'm going to do my catchphrase. Let's just bear with me, guys. And then did them with a boo, huh? Yeah. And then if you ever get like a real solid joke later in your act, if you threw a boo, huh? I'm just saying, I'm just. No, I appreciate it. Don't listen to them.

That boo, huh, made me giggle. And I was like, oh, the catchphrase makes so much fucking sense. I never understood it in my. Okay, Dom. The boo, huh, and a pound of dope made you giggle. Yeah. Okay, that might be it, too. We got a 947 over here.

We're possible suspect with some dope on stage. Check it right now. Oh, by the way, I just realized he's inviting them to boo with him. Yeah, people are like, you boo your own jokes. That's amazing. Hey, me and Officer Watkins have a catchphrase. Get down on the ground. You're under arrest.

You have the right to remain silent. What are you doing? Wow, that's a good catchphrase. Tricky. Thank you. That's improv. So, Mikey, you've been on the show a few times. Normally it goes better than that.

We know that you have a girlfriend. You work at Bubba Gump's Shrimp Company at Universal City. Still going. Has anything else happened in your personal life or real life? Anything fun the last few weeks since we saw you last? Just became an uncle. That's always nice.

Oh, congratulations. Thanks. We know you didn't do anything. Way to claim ownership for something you had nothing to do with. Oh, we have your nephew on the line. He sounds like a demon. Very good. Boo-ha!

Boo-ha! Okay. Halloween, you're going to kill. Boo-ha! Oh, my goodness. Well, Mikey, I mean, we've talked to you a bunch of times. We know everything about you. Congratulations on being an uncle.

Thank you. Have you ever listened to you do boo-ha backwards? Yeah, I've tried that before. People were like, you should do ha, ha, boo. No, I meant like... Hoo-ah. Ha-oo-oo-b? No, I would...

Try it backwards. Wow, there's some solid advice from Red Band, who is notorious for his amazing advice. If you're listening to it in a mirror, it might work. If you match your boo-hahs up with The Wizard of Oz at just the right time, I think that's it. There he goes. Mikey McKernan, everybody. He's on Twitter at Mikey

McKernan. M-I-K-E-Y M-C-K-E-R-N-A-N. Hey, is that Josh Martin? It is. I pulled another name out of the bucket. What did you say, Dom? I've never been as happy as he is one day in my life.

I fucking envy him. I don't know what fucking planet he's on, but I want to visit that. I forgot I got high, and I was like, I'm really enjoying this. And then you're like, you're high. That's why you're liking this. I was like, oh, fuck. Got some donuts for you. Wow.

What are in these bags? They're cop donuts. I didn't realize bicycle cops traveled with boxes of donuts. I don't. Trying to watch my figure. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together. 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Bert, you can't laugh into the microphone. It gives them a huge boost. We break the ice after their 60 seconds uninterrupted. Bert, you can't laugh into the microphone. It gives them a huge boost. We break the ice after their 60 seconds. I want to see them flail and bomb. Put your hands together for Ethan Hershenfella. Hershenfella. Ethan Hershenfella. Here he comes.

I keep getting mistaken for an Uber driver. Whenever I pull up to a red light, it sounds like you're my Uber. I'm getting sick of it. Next time somebody asks me, I say, get in. I can't be an Uber driver because I'm Jewish. We don't drive people places for money. If it's on the way, we'll drop you. And if you tell your Jewish parents you're a cabbie,

they don't even have time to kill themselves. It's just poof. They vaporize into a mist of shame. Settle onto the floor into twin puddles of regret. I keep losing my keys. A friend of mine said, why don't you just make another set and leave them at work Which is a great idea

So now I have to get a job Thanks guys Cat sound Jello Jello Did my first jello shot recently. I really loved it. That's a minute.

Apart from the needle. Ethan Hirschenfeld. Thank you. Hey. You are by far one of the funniest goddamn entertainment lawyers we've ever had on the show. First of all, let me say that. Out of all the entertainment lawyers,

Ethan Hirschenfeld, you definitely take the cake. I appreciate it. How long have you been doing stand-up? A few years, really focusing on it for the last year. Where have you been? Wait, Officer Watkins? Yeah, has anyone ever told you you have the charisma of a child molester?

That's a good call. Thank you. What do you do for work? I'm an actor. Play a lot of bad guys. Yeah? Yeah, mostly. We got a two-night-four.

I'm sorry. I think it's such a beautiful breakthrough, finally a Jewish comedian, you know? It's about time they got a break in this business I agree, I couldn't agree more I'm so shocked To have heard my name That's really what's going on

Is this the first time you've signed up for the show? I flew out here one week ago, Monday night I came right from the airport, signed up, nothing happened And I'm leaving right from here to the airport To go back to Brooklyn Do you listen to the show? You listen to this show in New York? No. And I'm leaving right from here to the airport to go back to Brooklyn. Good alibi. Brooklyn, do you listen to the show? You listen to this show in New York? No, but I'm going to start listening to it.

He's Hava Not Guilty. John liked it. What do you listen to in New York? Like the sound of crows dying? So you act in New York. How long have you been acting for? A long time, yeah. That's been your whole career? Yeah, opera singer for many years and actor. Really? Can you give us a little sample of some

opera real quick? Give me another minute next time and I'll do my opera stuff. Can you just give us a note? Not an opera joke. That was it. We're about to have an assault battery in progress

at any moment. How about a little Paiachi? No, I'm a bass. That's the tenor. Can you give us an example of some of your bass notes

other than that one? It's all about that bass. It's about that bass. Oh, that was cool. He just sings the Seinfeld theme. Bum, bum, bum, bum was cool. He just sings the Seinfeld theme. Ha, ha, ha. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Do you do a... Red band. He's good. Oh, my God. All right, Hirschenfeld. Come on. I think there's more meat on that Uber joke. Oh, yeah, there's a whole 74 minutes of it.

It better be kosher. Does it include... It's warming up. Solberg on the drums. If you don't know, you're about to find out. He's making helmets fall off. Officer Watkins, what do you do to get your hair like that? What do you even do?

I tease it at a place hard to get. He looks like the girl from Ozark. Never seen him, but judging by the laughter, I figure it's spot spot on Ethan Hirsch and Felton can you give us an example of something we might have seen you on a lineup, a police lineup boardwalk empire girls, high maintenance bat mitzvah attendee

number five what's the most Jewish thing about you, Ethan? You're not looking in front of the profile? No. Fucking... Fucking... Looks like the Indians logo. The Indians logo Oh shit

Chief Nakahoma What's the most Jewish thing about you Ethan? Probably my business card You only get half of it It's thick and like embossed It's in the Star of David shape It's engraved It's in the Star of David shape. It's engraved.

It's on a matzah. If this place wasn't owned by Jews, I'd be getting aggressive right now. Ethan, you seem like the only guy I've ever known that looks like you would have a Star of David fidget spinner. We got a 294. Possible hate crime in progress. Why did I say Fidget Spinner?

When you give your business card, you go, I'm going to need that back. It's retractable. The victim's name is Bert Kreischer. He is on a killing spree. He is sitting down. Keep working on that one. It'll be funny.

Oh, sure. Suspect is resisting arrest. He is resisting arrest. Ethan, New York's a big city. Acting's a tough gig. A lot of off time. What do you find yourself doing as hobbies and fun things? What are some cool things that you're into?

My girlfriend and I have three dogs. We spend a lot of time hanging out with them, walking them, taking them to the beach. Really? Swim a lot. Three dogs. Wait, hold on. This guy's going to try to say something funny again. Try?

That was you. Ethan, don't get uncomfortable just because you're hearing the laughs that you could have gotten in your 60 seconds right now. Not at all, no. Suspect is getting more and more hostile. Keep an eye on him. I'm just wondering when he's sober, if it's funny. That's what I'm curious about.

Yeah. Well, if you could get a ticket to one of my sold-out shows, you'd find out. Suck it, dude. All right. Holy shit. We are off and running tonight, huh?

He's like the fat chick in the threesome going, we'll leave if you don't start acting cool. You're not going anywhere. I got pizza coming. Try again. acting cool. You're not going anywhere. I got pizza coming. Try again. Try again.

You're going to get... Come on. Let's hear it. Oh, my God. He's killing. What are you talking about, Ethan? You're so funny. I think the reason you're not good at comedy is you don't get it either. I've been doing this for a living for 18 years.

Do not start with me. All right. We have the shot. We will take it at your... It wasn't me, remember? No, I know. When you pull out that gun, you're going to tell me to duck, right? I know it wasn't you

because you're the funny one. Ethan, what is wrong? Why do you have this hostility towards Bert? Are you, like, playing an actor or something? And don't bring up my comedy awards here to guys who still have trouble getting on, you know? Fair enough. I appreciate it, though.

I don't know if you... I don't want to brag, but I was number 79 in the 100 best comedians in the world. No, no, but I could have been 78, but fucking Cedric the Entertainer beat me up. Son of a bitch. He's an entertainer. All I do is jokes.

Another possible hate crime in the works over at 215-721-7199. Do you do characters, too? Ethan. So, three dogs. You hang out with the dogs. You go to the beach with the dogs. Anything else about you that's interesting?

Swimming Swimming? You into swimming? Yeah Not that impressive everybody floats in the dead sea are you releasing me yet what is going on

no no no this is gold I'm hey Tony first of all you misconstrued my making fun of you

if not like there is parts I'm being dead serious when I say this this is part of the constructive part but I do like that Uber joke I immediately I thought it was a good joke I give it three stars I would nice There is parts. I'm being dead serious when I say this. It's part of the constructive part. But I do like that Uber joke.

I immediately thought it was a good joke. I appreciate it. I give it three stars. Nice. Out of what's the total? Okay. Tony, can we let this comic go? Ethan Hirschenfeld, everybody. I'll listen to Joel Berg.

Because as you can tell by Joel Berg's name he's also Jewish Ethan Hershenfeld he's on twitter at ehershenfeld come on guys he's going back to New York tomorrow one more time for Ethan David Pierce I was getting a little scared at the end Oh that actually is my entertainment lawyer

I didn't even make that connection There he is David Pierce You're so funny I pulled another name out of the bucket Put your hands together for Mateo Rodriguez Say jazz, suck on that Say jazz, suck on that Say rude, suck on that Now rude, suck on that Now dance, suck on that Now dance, suck on that

Suck on that Now move, suck on that I go to Herbalife meetings to meet women Just cause if you'll buy into that bullshit I go to Herbalife meetings to meet women. Just because if you'll buy into that bullshit, you just might buy into me. You ever wonder what Jesus would say if he came back? I don't think it matters because Jesus would smell bad. Jesus was a white guy with hair of wool Yo, you're not showering to get those dreads, my G

I'm really broke Like, I drive through the drive-thru with Chick-fil-A Knowing that my card is going to get declined at the register Just because they're Christians, so they let me keep the food Like, I can't afford to go on dates I just go on chills just because they're Christians so they let me keep the food. Like, I can't afford to go on dates. I just go on chills. I had to give my dog a shower and you gotta use lukewarm water.

So ever since then, I've been calling all water temperatures after Jedis. You have more to that? You want to finish that? Jedis? Mateo Rodriguez. This is your first time on the show? Yes.

I can tell. Because you have a look to you that I would remember. You have the exact same shape head as every UFC fighter that retires too late in his career. is every UFC fighter that retires too late in his career. Yesterday you said it was a UFC fighter that knocks someone out after four rounds. Where did I say that?

Yeah, I met you at the improv yesterday. Oh, well, there you go. Looks like I was able to punch up the joke in 24 hours without even thinking once about you. Mateo. You live here in LA? No, I live in Miami. How long are you visiting for?

I leave tomorrow. I got here on Wednesday. And how long have you been doing stand-up? A year and a half, seriously. I tried it and done shows before that. You ever been diagnosed with something? Nah, man. Sometimes I think I might be autistic,

but it's hard to be autistic with $600 sneakers on. Is that true? Are those $600 sneakers? Yeah, because I'm wearing the same fucking shoes. You know this bird isn't fucking with him. No, I like this shit. Yeah, man, we're Florida guys.

We can't do this. You got to get out of Miami, man. Yeah, I graduated school in May, so I'm trying to get the fuck out of here. Where are you going? I go to FIU. I went to Barry. Oh, nice. We should hang out.

Talk about... What are you studying there? Business. Whoa. Oh, nice. We should hang out. What are you studying there? Business. Whoa. Did you just change your studies right then? Nah, because I was going to say a joke, but I'm not going to be fucking stupid. I'll just be an honest person. That got such a great laugh when you were just honest.

What was the joke you were going to say? Because I'm going into my fifth year of school, so I'm going to say botany, because that's what I've been, I just kind of smoke weed at the nature preserve and not go to class. I got my strategy down pat, though. I'll just meet girls on the first day of class and just kind of get their number

and text them for the homework. And does that work for you? 16% of the time. We are currently in pursuit of a date rapist. He's on foot. He's wearing $600 sneakers that he stole. How do you make a living? The gig section on Craigslist. What do you make a living? The gig section on Craigslist

What do you mean? Well, like, I have a camera and a DJ controller Oh, wait a second I think you're actually starting to answer that question from 30 seconds ago You DJ? Yeah That's the answer Shut the fuck up

Yeah, and I make music videos Really? Yeah Is your DJ name DJ Bobby Hill? Nah, man. Listen to that audience. They knew the whole time. Wow.

Joel Berg, the streak has been reignited. My DJ name is... My DJ name is Aki. It's what? Aki, like awkward. Oh, wow. What are some of your trademarks that you do?

I mean, something cool happened last week. My ex-girlfriend was making out with some dude thanks to my mix at this early 2000 party. So I just played trap music until she got elbowed in the face. It was great. I think that's my new trademark. Put your guns

down. We have a retard. We have a retard. What do your parents do? What are they like? They sell propane. Propane. We got a 29475. Propane accessories.

That's part of the possible special victims unit. Bill? Oh, damn it, Bill. I was born out in Ecuador, so my parents are immigrants and shit. My dad's Puerto Rican, so he's kind of a scumbag. He knocked off my mom's left.

That's how I ended up like this. Wait, wait, wait. There was a second there where you said, my dad's Puerto Rican, so you know he's a scumbag. Yeah. That's word for word what you just said. Yes, that is factual. So I'm asking you.

I have a poster of that in my office, Tony. He's being honest. Wait, so your poppy is a poppy? Yeah. All right, all right. What does he do in more detail? Anything about him? Honestly, man, like, he'll have different jobs

every once in a while. He throws the block parties that you DJ. So... I talk to him like once every couple years. And your mom, you're close with your mom? Yeah. What's she like? Foreign. You have a lot of brothers and sisters? I have a sister. That's like

my daughter. That's the one trait of your mom that you can think of? Foreign? Yeah, I mean basically my mom, she's just nervous all day. Why? What's she nervous about? She doesn't have the right papers. My mom, she's just nervous all day. Why? What's she nervous about? She married a Puerto Rican. Oh, she definitely has some sort of beating PTSD. Oh, that was real.

Puerto Rican something stress disorder. All right. You guys figure it out. Oh, my God. Joel Berg is absolutely on fire right now Fuego Is your mom in the insane clown posse? Good question

What kind of music do you listen to? Hip hop, reggaeton, ghetto tech music, funk What's ghetto tone? Ghetto tech is like footwork music. It's fun. Can you give us an example of what it sounds like? Can you hum some of that? Oh, absolutely not.

Can you sing? What's reggaeton? Reggaeton is like Spanish music. That's Puerto Rican music. That's that. And then it's just me saying misogynistic shit over that. Or not me. Like what?

Oh, like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do a reggaeton freestyle. In Spanish? Yeah. I'm in a hotel. Gasolina. I'm in a hotel.

Gasolina. I'm in a hotel. Gasolina. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel.

I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel.

I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel.

I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel.

I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm in a hotel. I'm What the fuck? He just said she has the Zika virus. Yeah. We are in pursuit of an illegal immigrant. In pursuit.

Well, Mateo. Have a nice trip back to Miami. Anything else? Mateo Rodriguez. AAWKI underscore. A-A-W-K-I underscore. Aki. Now I get it. DJ Aki.

That was fun. Ooh, that sounds like an interesting name. I don't think we've ever had this person on before. Put your hands together for Ashoka Thomas. What's up? What's up? A lot of people say that black doesn't crack, right? But I know I'm getting older because I'm starting to get those Morgan Freeman dots all over my body. It's not really a good look. I'm not liking it.

People are like, wait a minute, you're not black. My mom's Jewish, which sucks. It doesn't suck that she's Jewish. No, it sucks because she survived the Holocaust when she was two years old. Which made it hard for me and my sister because we couldn't complain about anything. She would always be able to one-up us. Remember one time, me and my sister were in the car.

We lived in the islands. It's hot. Our little butt cheeks were sticking to the seats. We were crying. My mom looked at us and was like, Really? You know what's hotter than this car? That's right. The oven your aunts and uncles were burned in. Hmm?

So it wasn't cool. Today, kids can complain about anything. Like, mommy, mommy, I have ADHD. I have ADHD. And they'll be like, oh, well, here's some Adderall. Like, I would complain about that shit. Like, mommy, mommy, I can't concentrate. She'd be like, oh, okay.

Maybe I can send you to concentration camp. Ashoka Thomas. So what's the ethnicity? Black and Jewish. Black and Jewish. I don't know if that's the right sound. Is that the right song? Black and Jewish means Lion King?

Ah! Well, it's about time somebody brought up the lighter side of the Holocaust. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up at Shoka? Back about three years now. What? I've been back about three years.

You've been back about three years, and we're supposed to remember how long you did it before From your famous Chappelle-like How long did you do it before you Don't call it a comeback, guys No, definitely not a comeback How long did you do it before you came back? Three years ago

I did it for three years, stopped For how long? Three years, and then you did it again for three years Everything you do I stopped for 12 years, stopped. For how long? Three years. And then you did it again for three years. Everything you do. I stopped for 12 years. About 12 years. Oh. That's definitely a break. Wait, how old are you? 44. Oh, you don't look 44. Thanks, man. Black doll crack. That's what I'm saying.

Wait, where are those little dots, the Morgan Freeman dots? I got them like right here. No. That's okay. That's okay. It's okay. All right. Thanks. And that was the botch of the ping-pongs.

What do you do for a living? I work at the improv. Oh, yeah? Bartend. Bartend. Yes. Hollywood improv. Yeah, there you go.

I knew you looked familiar. I thought you were on the show before, and I was like, wait a second. Brian knows you as a guy. Oh, yeah. I know you were on the show before, and I was like, wait a second. Brian knows you as a guy. Oh, yeah, I know you. So, wow, how long have you been doing that? Three years. Oh, you're back? Yeah, I was worried.

Do you have a girlfriend? No. No. Why did you say it like that? Do you have a boyfriend? No. When's the last time you had a girlfriend? I don't think I've ever had a girlfriend.

No! I've had girls say they were my girlfriends, but the longest is six months. Wow, what do you mean by that? You've had girls say that they're your girlfriend, but you've never really acknowledged it? Yeah, I don't think six months is like a girlfriend. Totally is a girlfriend.

What? Yeah, you could have a girlfriend after a week. Nah, nah. You could get married after two days in Vegas. I said I love you on a one night stand one time. That's honest. I was used to saying it, you know? So I didn't fuck people and not say it.

And then I did it and I just came out like I love you so much. She was like, I don't fucking know you. Oh my goodness. And then I came. Have you ever... Go ahead. Can I tell you my personal insight? I feel like what you're doing is doing very

beginner comedy stuff like taking the obvious Jewish Holocaust, black... But the thing I liked is when someone said, my mom's Jewish and that sucks. And then you got real for a second. But try to find, like, the real thing. Like, you talking about girlfriends is kind of interesting. Because you're a good-looking guy, but you definitely don't look black.

Right. Like, I know you don't sunburn, but, like, you actually don't. I mean, so get rid of the, say it. No, I just want to see you dig yourself out of this one. You mean you don't look black per se, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'm just saying that you're multiracial. You have the features of a white person and the beautiful skin of a black person. It's a great combination.

You get pulled over for a totally different reason, if you know what I mean. You know? If you feel like a reason if you know what I mean. If you have a backpack and you're in an airport. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nah! I want to go back a second because that thing that you said earlier really stands out to me. This thing that you don't think you've ever had a girlfriend. Have you ever told a girl

that you love them? Like in a situation like him. Yeah, like when I'm fucking or whatever like oh i love you but not like not for real not just is that how you say it you say it like that like no wait wait wait wait wait you just say it this did assemble this thought because you've never said you had a girlfriend but you've said you loved people but what like and you clearly haven't what was the thought process? You're like, she's deserved this.

I love you. By the way he says it, I'm pretty sure he only says I love you when he's coming. No, I love you. No. When my dick's hard or if I see side boobs, I'll say stupid shit. I'll be like, oh, God, I love her. I love you. You know how much we love those side boobs.

Yeah, I love the side boobs. Yeah. You ever tell a girl that you want to marry her or anything like that? Only when he's coming and that's called a Boston cream pie. Nah. Nope. You really thought about that?

Well, because there's this one that I was doing that couch surfing thing. You know that couch surfing? You post. It's better than Tinder. It's better than that. Take your couch out to the ocean. You go on couch surfing.

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. There's a website where you can say, hey, I don't have anywhere to live. Can I sleep on your couch? And then you fuck them? Yeah, it's called plentyoflosers.com. Yeah, yeah. Fuck.

Yeah. What is this called? Is that a real thing, what you're talking about? This couch surfing thing? Yeah, you travel and you want to see the world. Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. I thought there was a website where you're like, I live in L.A., I'm homeless, can I sleep on your couch? And then some chick's like, he's good looking, okay. That's fucking crazy.

This is like a community like, oh, I travel. You want to travel? Let's sleep on each other's couches. You can come to Paris or Italy and you stay on my couch. So do you do that full time? Do you have your own place? No, I did that one time. And what was that like?

How'd that go down? Well, that's what I'm saying. The one girl that she was like from Denmark or some shit, she's kind of cute in her pictures. She stayed on your couch. Yeah. Whoa. Right, exactly. Wow.

Hello. Shit. And you're all like, oh stayed on your couch. Yeah. Whoa. Right, exactly. Wow. I was like, hello. And you're all like, oh, I love you. No. You see, I was kind of like, I was like, oh, you're talking. I was like, oh, you know, I could marry you. And that makes them like, oh, I should come there. And then they come and then you hope to...

Well, what happened then? We've got a fraud in pursuit right now. So the girl from Denmark comes to your place and says, Oh, hello, where do I put my bag? And like, how does that go down? Break it down for us. Well, she shows up and then you just, you know, you pretend to be really nice and know about L.A., whatever.

You pretend to be really nice? Can you give us an example of what you would say to pretend to be really nice? By the way, there are feminist groups that call this rape. So you lie to them. Tell them you'll marry them. Pretend to be nice. Have sex with them on their couch. Maybe you tell the girl from Denmark,

hey, want a Danish? That's my special victim, you and Patty Ragan. Okay. So, Ashoka, you had the Denmark girl come. You pretended to be nice. Right.

Can you give us an example of what you mean by pretending to be nice? Go ahead. Like, what did you do? Oh, can I help you with your bag? What did you do? You act like you don't want to fuck them. Right? That's number one.

You clean your apartment. Oh, my God. Oh, you clean your apartment after you pretend like you don't want to fuck them? Before. Oh, okay. And then you act like you like doing shit, like going to the beach. Like, oh, your apartment after you pretend like you don't want to fuck them? Before, before. Oh, okay. And then you act like you like doing shit, like going to the beach. Like, oh, yeah, I love LA. I go to the beach.

I like looking at sunsets. I like surfing. I like going. What do you really like doing? Watching Netflix. Ripping young boys' hearts out in Indiana Jones movies. Holy moly. Holy moly.

Holy moly. Holy moly. Who said she fucked? Was that you? Was that fucking you? That's the fucking line. the street continues Jorberg is absolutely on fire that is the fucking line of the night if any of you guys had grown up where you had to go to a movie theater to see a movie

and you saw that you'd know how fucking brilliant that is. Alright, we need you to say golly bosh, golly bosh, golly bosh. I think it's ulum shibad. Ulum shibad? Golly bosh, golly bosh, golly bosh. Sorry. So the girl

from Denmark's there. You pretended to be nice. You pretended to like to do things. You cleaned the apartment. Then what happens? I couldn't fake it. She wanted to go surfing. I was like, I'm not driving you to Malibu. So I made her take the bus. She went up there and met... Wait, wait, wait.

That's where you gave up, right? Yeah, I'm not going to drive from Studio City to Malibu. This was a beautiful Danish girl. She's alright. What do you mean by alright? What was the catch? She was different from our pictures? She had those thumbs, you know those Megan Fox thumbs?

I've heard of catfish. Did you get Swedish fished? Wow. I can't believe that you turned down a chick based on her thumbs. My wife's got meatloaf's back. Oh, God. Objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are.

I'm vegetarian, but that sounds good. I would love to be able to be like, her thumbs are not so good. Your wife defends meatloaf? So, Ashoka, you didn't want to drive her to Malibu She took the bus to Malibu What was her plan She was going to rent a surfboard in Malibu After taking the bus there

No she went on Craigslist And she found surf lessons In Malibu And then she met the Malibu surf guys So then what in Malibu and then she met the Malibu surf guys. So then what? She came back to sleep at your place that night? You threw her stuff out in the street. No, she ended up

she wanted to go stay with another dude that she met. I don't know why. So I drove her to the other guy's she met? I don't know why. So I... Oh, that's such a bitch. So I drove her to the other guy's place, and then about an hour later she calls me and goes, I don't like him. Can I come back and stay with you? And I was like, okay.

Yeah, so you drove back. Everything you avoided to do to take her to Malibu the day before, all of a sudden you're doing. Yeah, I felt bad, so I brought her back to my place, hoping that she might see i was extra nice and then jesus christ do they not have serial killers in denmark this chick's fucking couch surfing with dudes she doesn't know that clearly lie and then going with their dial on the phone with their weird ass thumbs going hey

you do talk like a sociopath do you know that? There I am pretending to be nice Why can't you just enjoy yourself with a stranger And ask her questions and maybe just be interested Why can't you fall in love for real? You see right through that You don't ever see yourself being able to connect with What do you think it is about women That makes it so that

No What are you Dr. Phil now? Yeah I'm trying to figure it out, it's not... What are you, Dr. Phil now? Yeah, I'm trying to figure it out. What's the deal? No, it's not just women. I just had an epiphany actually three days ago. I was like, I got to feel the same way towards my dad, so I'm going to call him up and go see him.

So it's not just women. It's everyone. So, you know, I'm going to call my dad. Where's your dad? Texas. Did you grow up with him? Yeah, I mean, kind of. I mean, no, divorced parents. Oh, they were divorced?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we lived on a small island, so he's like three miles away, so it's like... Small island? Before you fix your relationships, you must fix yourself. Who lives on a small island? Yeah, what island do you live on? You live on a small island? I grew up on a small island.

What small island? St. Thomas. You grew up in the Caribbean? Yeah. Oh, shut the fuck up. What the fuck was that? Caribbean music. Sounds a lot like reggae to me. You grew up on a small island.

Your mom and dad were divorced, but he was on the island. Right. So it's like growing up in a really small town, but your dad's not around? Yeah. You grew up on a small island and your dad still didn't want to be part of your life? That's fucking rough, man. You saw him on the beach like, dad, and he was like, ah. Put his head to a seashell.

Sorry, can't hear you. Do not listen to these bullies. Do not listen to these bullies. Work on fixing the relationship between you and your papa. Ashoka, I feel like there's so much more I could talk with you about, but I've got to keep moving on. Ashoka Thomas, everybody. There he goes.

He's on Twitter at Ashoka Thomas, A-S-H-O-K-A Thomas, all one word. Woof. Some characters tonight, huh? Huh? Boo? Huh? Oh, wow. This is definitely a new name, and it sounds like I'm excited to bring this one up, too.

Put your hands together. Definitely the first time on this show. Put your hands together for Dark Mark. Oh, yeah. Oh, please be here. I want to see you go back. Dark Mark. Oh, yeah. Oh, please be here. I want to see this show back. Dark Mark! Come on. No way.

Son of a bitch. Sounds like such a good character. Blacklisted. Dark Mark. That sucks. This person, I'll guarantee you, is darker than Dark Mark, ladies and gentlemen. When you see that thick, black, jet black Sharpie, it can only be one human being. It's the great Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen.

Come on, Aphrodite. You've got to squeeze that ass for everybody. Here she comes. Kill Tony Legend. The great Debro Davey. How y'all doing? How y'all doing? How y'all doing? Shoot, I got problems.

I got problems. My life is like a crazy fucking runaway movie. I don't even know what normal is. I was relaxing a while back, getting ready to come over here to the show, sitting at the bus stop smoking a joint. Yeah, I was smoking a motherfucking joint. And nobody was there but me. And next thing I know, I turn around.

There's this lady there, and she's fucking butt naked from the waist down. I'm like, is this weed that fucking good? Damn. I'm like, is this sister just like me? I'm like, my sister was, like, what the fuck are you doing? She says, what's the problem? Like, she didn't even know she was fucking butt naked from the waist down. She had a big fucking pussy, looked like a fucking Pillsbury Doughboy sitting between her legs and shit.

I'm like, what the fuck? I was really getting disgusted, and I was thinking, you know, this lady's actually very fucking smart. She doesn't spend any money on panties. No money on fucking pants or skirts or anything? What the fuck? Thank you. There you go. The great and powerful Aphrodite.

If you aren't the goddamn cutest thing I've ever seen in my life, you little fucking chocolate toadstool you. No, some people think we're fucking, Tony. What's that? Some people think we're fucking. Really? Yeah's that? Some people think we're fucking. Really? Yeah.

Who thinks that? A couple of people asked me outside. Really? Last time I came, they were like, are you and Tony fucking? We have a charisma. You know what I'm saying? Would you do it with Tony? If he was black, I'd fuck him right away.

If I was black? Yeah, you got mad charisma, man. Your voice is fucking sexy as shit. I'd feed you some cornbread and shit. I like feeding him and shit. You'd feed me cornbread? Yeah, some greens. Get your muscles pumped up.

We gotta take care of these rumors. Oh, baby. You had me at cornbread. I'm just gonna eat your cornbread and then leave. Is that okay? Yeah, you had me at cornbread. I'm just going to eat your cornbread and then leave. Is that okay? Yeah, you need some grease. You need some motherfucking grease in your life. Your cornbread sounds delicious. I'm just going to eat your cornbread, masturbate, and then leave.

Yeah, I made good cornbread. Yeah, yeah. You can masturbate on the cornbread. You know what I'm saying? No, no, no. I won't do that. I wouldn't want to. Yeah, yeah. I'll do it. I don't think you could handle Officer Watkins over here. You're sexy. Thanks, Aphrodite.

You too. You have the most amazing ass that I've ever seen in my entire life. Yeah, not bad for 61. Slap that ass, baby. Look at that thing. Officer Watkins, have you ever seen anything quite... What would happen if she sat on your bicycle seat? It would motherfucking fall over.

Let's just say certain things would start inflating. Aphrodite. Bert, have you ever seen an ass like that? No, and I haven't seen a lot of personalities like that. You've got a great stage presence. Bert, have you ever seen an ass like that? No. And I haven't seen a lot of personalities like that. You've got a great stage presence. Oh, thank you. And I like your interactive shit more than the material per se. I would like to see you just go up and fuck around, do crowd work like Paula Poundstone, but light motherfuckers up.

Aphrodite, give us an example of what that might look like. Try some, and I know this is a little bit in the moment, a little bit of a hot spot, but point out somebody out there. No, no, no, no. I'll tell you because I've been doing it for a long time. By the way, we are in VR360 right now on YouTube at the Kill Tony channel. What you look for. So this is a great example.

It's a fun thing if you want to switch to that as fast as you can. What I automatically do is look for someone that is nothing like you, the guy in the hipster hat right there. Okay. Yeah. I was thinking about this guy right here with the glasses on right here. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because he's actually weak. You need to go for a guy who thinks he's strong.

Okay. You'll hurt his feelings. He'll be like, oh, what do you live in your mom's basement? He's like, yeah, I do. And then you're like, ugh. Go for a guy that thinks he's cool and has got the alpha going on, but you know there's a weakness inside. No offense, sir, but, you know.

What's the weakness? He's got a little dick. What is it? Oh, there we go. What is it? Shit. Look at his shoes. Take the dick out.

Let me see it. Yeah. That's my job, measuring dicks. Messing with dicks. What's your job? Measuring dicks. What do you mean mess with? What do you do with it?

Measuring the motherfucking dicks. Oh, measure, really? Measure. Use your mouth? mouth yeah because i don't take no vienna sausage guys you gotta be bigger than the motherfucking vienna sausage so don't fuck around everything's always about food with you that's right food is sexy but see that's good i like the way that you said that about him and then you went into something about you okay it's like a trick thing of like, hey, like you say to a guy, hey, how would you eat pussy? And then he gives you your idea and you have a joke waiting for it.

But like, just, I like that. I like that you get doing material and then fucking with them and then coming into material. I am definitely fucked up right now. Thank you, teacher. What's the most sexual thing you've ever done with food before, Aphrodite?

Oh, now you're taking me back to the chocolate and the pussy again, okay? I forgot about that. Have you ever shared a donut with a white man before? Ladies, have your pussy ate with chocolate, okay? Have you ever shared a donut with a cop before? No, no, but I liked a cop back in the day when I was younger. How about this guy right here?

Yeah, he used to come by and watch me jog. I think he's just looking at my ass. I've been feeling drunk. Hey, hey. Oh, that donut's turning me on. I'm like, hey. I think he's just listening at my ass. I've been feeling drunk. Hey. Oh, that donut's turning me on. I'm like, I'm gonna hold back and my soul. Come on, Aphrodite, get up.

And if you feel like I feel, come on. Oh, come on. Woo! Oh, oh. You know, once you go block your ass Can't go back right This is why we're the number one live podcast

In the world He's got a helmet on his helmet. You are the greatest. I'm going to be 62 in less than two months now. You're going to be 62? Can't wait until you're 69. Don't fuck with me. I'm still black now.

Wait, I didn't say that. He said it. Jesus Christ. Who was me? October 10th. When are you getting married? October. Yeez. Yeez you getting married? October. Yes.

Wow. Yes. Okay, Afro Daddy. Anything else happen interesting in your normal life since the last time we saw you? Yes, I sang with another band called Slang just last weekend. We played at a place called The Press in Claremont. I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I'm a singer.

Give Bird an example. Give him a line. See, the opera guy was a pussy earlier. Give us a little line. Hey, hey. Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, if you want me, baby. Yeah.

You better bring your ass to me right now. Yeah. If you want me. Hey, hey, hey You better tell me What you wanna say Yeah Aphrodite What's up, we? Aphrodite.

What's up, we? Aphrodite, you did it again. We love you here. Thank you, baby. There she goes, Aphrodite. Thank you. She's on Twitter at Aphrodite Love. I follow her on Twitter, by the way, guys.

You have to follow her. She's so funny. She's like so bad at Twitter. She's like, just like half finished sentences. Like, I'm on big podcast. Look it up. It's so great. Truly one of my favorites to follow on Twitter.

She's on Twitter at Aphrodite Love. A-F-R-O-D-Y-E-T-E-L-O-V-E. Is that right, Aphrodite? Love is that word? How do you spell Aphrodite? Okay, cool. It's because she's tweeting with those chicken fingers. Wow.

This is fun. We have a momentous episode of some of our favorites here on Kill Tony. You know this guy. He's notorious on this show for having the absolutely most unbelievably, undeniably douchiest Instagram post we've ever heard of in our entire lives. He's a stand-up comedian who I always see here almost every night grinding.

He's naturally unlikable, but here he comes again, getting right into it with a new 60 seconds uninterrupted. Put your hands together for Kevin Mack, ladies and gentlemen. Coming up, I want the world to know. Got to let it show. My brother just got married. He couldn't put his best friend as the best man.

And it caused problems after the wedding at the reception. They were arguing. And my brother's best man, or should best friend was like, why couldn't I be your best man? And my brother drunkenly said, because you fucked my wife. And his best man responded with, everybody

fucked your wife. But you knocked her up followed by my speech in which I talked about their love it was a rough wedding how do you how do you dance with the bride knowing that there's seven guys in the room staring at you wishing they were still fucking her?

All I can say, ladies and gentlemen, is if you go to a wedding, don't. Go to a wedding. I'll just finish it there. Kevin Mac. So this all really happened, huh? Yeah, this really happened. Yes. Okay. Yes. So how long really happened, huh? Yeah, this really happened. Yes. Okay.

Yes. So how long ago was that? Yeah, fuck it. This was five months ago. Any thoughts on Kevin Mac that you want to get out of your systems before we move on to one of our most fun segments that we've ever done on this show before? Bert, you're never going to believe this. So, like, you know how some, there's, like, Instagram models and stuff? Yeah.

So he's sort of an Instagram model. Yes. I love watching you figure out where we're going with this. But the most amazing part is he's really supposedly like good at social media. And one of the things with being good at social media is hashtags. So the people that click on certain things bring you back and he's notorious for really loading up douchey pictures with hashtags. We're going to start with this first one. Are you guys ready to do this? This is a special segment that we only do with Kevin Mac.

I can't remember what we call it, but we'll just call it King of the Douche tonight. Douchebag hashtag. Douchebag hashtag. First off, we bring you this little picture right here straight off his Instagram, guys. We just brought it up right now. This is where I read the thing, and then Brian and I together will read you the hashtags.

These are all true. We're not adding anything or saying anything. What you hear me read is not made up. So original Kevin Mac on August 3rd said with this picture, The original Kevin Mac on August 3rd said with this picture, A little sun never hurt nobody. Except sunburns. So I guess a little sun has hurt a lot of people.

Hashtag sun. Hashtag summer. Hashtag pool. Hashtag poolside. Hashtag fun. Hashtag pool. Hashtag poolside. Hashtag fun. Hashtag relax. Hashtag motivation. Hashtag guys with tattoos.

Shut up. I have tattoos. Stop, stop. You're not allowed in. I get it. Hold on. We're not done. Hashtag fitness motivation. Hashtag fitness motivation. Hashtag fitness.

Hashtag fit. Hashtag fit fam. Hashtag get fit. Hashtag fits boo. Hashtag gym. Hashtag tattoo. Hashtag tattoos. Oh my God.

Hold on, hold on. This is still the same post Hashtag man Hashtag beard Hashtag male model Hashtag model Hashtag actor Hashtag artist

Hashtag still got it There's one left, I swear to god Please, just wait, there's one left Ready? Hashtag man candy. Oh my God. Burt

Kreischer. You are brilliant. Thank you. Dude, why isn't whatever the fuck is broken about you when you fucking post a photo? Why isn't that in your stand-up? That fucking honesty that you are a guy that really sits crisscross applesauce

on a fucking Chase Lounge and goes, hashtag man candy, hashtag. That's the same brain you're supposed to use when you write comedy. That's fucking brilliant. It takes me 25 minutes to write hashtags. Brilliant was the wrong word then, I guess. That's fucking brilliant. It takes me 25 minutes to write hashtags Brilliant was the wrong word that I guess but

That's fucking so so Can you go around the room and look at people and hashtag them fuck? Yeah, so this guy right here this guy right here hashtag Which guy? Straight there with the hoodie right there. Oh this guy hashtag him the white guy with the hoodie. Right there. Oh, this guy? Hashtag him. The white guy with the hashtag. Just five hashtags. What was his name? What was his hashtag? What was his name?

Oh, oh, oh. Joffrey. Hashtag Joffrey. Yeah. Hashtag Joffrey. Hashtag Elf. If you had to hashtag yourself, how you feel, how you look, how you are right now. I don't think we have the time for that, don't we?

About 30 hashtags. Just one hashtag? Nah, you can rattle off a few. Whatever you're feeling in the moment right now. Hashtag in my element. Oh, I fucking love you. You're so good at this, by the way. Surely the king of the douches.

I mean, it's unbelievable. You're such a douche, I feel like that we would use you to clean other douches. I mean, it's unbelievable. You're such a douche. I feel like that we would use you to clean other douches. Dude, you think... You know what's great about being a douche is that I make pussy smell better. Wow. Dude, you

hashtag things about yourself that I don't even think about myself. Fucking love that. Dude, own that shit. Do another picture. Do another picture. Brian was able to grab another one. Look at this one, guys.

Wait, is that him in a hoodie? It is him with a shadow across his face. He's looking out a car window. Can we confirm that, Kevin Mac? That is indeed a car window, yes. Who took this? I did. Oh, my God.

You did a no-look selfie? I want to see the ten photos you did in post. I took three pictures because it was, like, just my ear or just my nose. All right. Well, I'll tell you this. It's a short caption and a lot of hashtags. So here we go. I'll give you credit.

1,777 likes on this. Three days ago. This is from three days ago. 1,777 likes on this. Three days ago. This is from three days ago. 1,777. Yes. Original Kevin Mac said, all we are is shadows and dust.

It's from a movie. Now we move on to the hashtags on that. Hashtag man. Hashtag human. Hashtag human. That's not human. It's human, Brian. He says it like that. You've never read that word before? Human. Human.

Master of the universe. Hashtag life. Hashtag live. Live. Brian, you don't know how to read? Wait, did Brian just say live? You did life twice. Did you know that?

Is that on purpose? Is that like an artistic thing? No, my life is awesome. So I just put it twice. I fucking love you, dude. Life is so good, I live it twice. Hashtag art. Hashtag artist.

Hashtag poetry. You really think what you wrote there is poetry? Poetry. All we are is shadows and dust. That's like the first line. No, it's from a movie. It's from a movie. What movie?

Gladiator. Gladiator. Gladiator. Really? The guy that you call? King Joffrey Noob. Wow. Where did we leave off?

Poet? Hashtag poet. Hashtag words. Hashtag writer. Writerag words. Hashtag writer. Writer? All we are is shadows and dust. I didn't write it. You said it's from a movie.

No, I do write. I just didn't write that. You're like a gay Carlos Mencia. Burt Kreischer. It doesn't even make sense. All we are is shadows and dust. You need to be something also to cast the shadow. You got to take the hashtag writer off that. All we are is shadows and dust.

Where's Peter Pan? That's not what that means. Hashtag Wendy. Hashtag Lost Boys. Hashtag eyes. Hashtag see. As in seeing. Because he's looking out a window while taking a picture of himself. Hashtag eyes. Hashtag see. As in seeing because he's looking out a window while taking a picture of himself.

Hashtag motivation. Hashtag motivate. Hashtag fit. Oh shit. Hashtag motivational quotes. Oh you didn't even fucking write that? No. Oh you dick.

You put hashtag poet hashtag writer on there. Have you ever written any motivational quotes that you sort of live by? Can you give us an example of one of your motivational quotes to these peasants out here? Oh, you put them on your phone? Transformers more than meets the eye. It's from a movie. I can't remember which one.

He's looking at his Grindr profile. Hey, can we get a picture? This is what I'd like to do. I'd like to have someone take a picture of the four of us with him. And then he sit right here, post it on my Instagram, and put all the hashtags in it. Okay. Like, just go hashtag Kill Tony, hashtag Monster Energy Drink, hashtag... I love that.

I love that hashtag. Monster Energy Drink. All right. Do you want one of my... Dollar Shave Club. Yeah. Do you want one of my... It's the hashtag smarter choice.

Dude, it's an awesome life hack. Anyway. What was the motivational quote that you wrote? To lead is to inspire, but not all leaders aspire to inspire for noble reasons or goals. If you follow, follow someone worthy. If you lead, lead to promise. That was in my fortune cookie for lunch.

Thanks, Mom. You wrote that? I wrote that. That was four inspirational quotes mashed together to no meaning. With a little bit of a tongue twister. Not all liars aspire to inspire. When you were out, who was

it, your brother's wedding? My brother's wedding, yeah. And did you hook up with any ladies when you were at the wedding? Yes. Hashtag squad goals. Yeah. Yeah. Who was it?

Hashtag duh, Tony. Hashtag no condom. Hashtag herpes. Hashtag passing forward. Hashtag extended labia. Hashtag your responsibility. Hashtag pull out. Hashtag drop out.

Hashtag the bride. Hashtag pink sock. Hashtag drop out. Hashtag the bride. Hashtag pig sock. Hashtag herpes. Hashtag still got it. Hashtag college degree, fuckers. Hashtag sorry bro. Hashtag fat chick. I've done that. Hashtag secret. Was it? Come on, Kevin.

Tell us about this hookup. It doesn't have to be pretty. Hashtag herpes. No. Is it? Come on, Kevin. Tell us about this hookup. It doesn't have to be pretty. Just tell us the true story. No. My brother's wife used to work at Hooters. That's where my brother met her. He was a manager at Hooters. Oh, my God.

Which is why all of his friends had sex with her. Hashtag sad. And there was like five Hooters girls at the wedding that were her friends. Ended up hooking up with one of the girls. Who were they? That's an owl joke. Hashtag buffalo shrimp. And the way that we actually started our conversation was she was like, I follow you on Instagram.

Oh, wow. And you were like, hashtag nailed it. Hashtag. Hashtag, oh, oh, oh, oh. Hashtag, pause it. I can smell that. I fucking love this hashtag game. Hashtag DM, hashtag douche machine. So where did you guys go?

Did you take her back to your hotel room or something like that? I was staying at my mom's place. So we hooked up to my mom's basement. Hashtag mama's boy. In your mom's basement? Yeah. And... Did she see you bring the girl home?

Did you introduce her to your mom? Yeah, she was... She cook for you guys or anything cool? Like, so are you ready to fuck my son? Anything like that? She must be used to you plowing pussy forever. How old are you? 35.

35. And you're still taking girls back to mom's basement. Fuck yeah. Hashtag inspire. Hashtag inspiration. Wait, you just said 35-ish. So you don't like giving your real... 35-ish.

Whoa, really? Regular Dan Cook. It's like that? Can we count the rings? I'm 35-ish. Whoa, really? You're a regular Dan Cook. It's like that? Can we count the rings? I'm an actor, Tony. What are you going to do? Man, you're almost like an... I'm 37.

Why would you lie, man? Instagram-pa over here. Listen, man, two years makes a big difference in this town. Hashtag under oath. That's how many hashtags you use, 37? town hashtag under oath that's how many hashtags you use 37 hey do you save your hashtags in a cut and paste document in your notes yeah i knew it i fucking knew it like there's like there's like like three quarters of them yeah because they're always the same and then i i always throw some new ones in there at the end just to see what like sparks. Do you ever think you'll settle down

and stop hashtagging? That's my beat cop Patty Reagan right there. Motherfucking Reagan. His album Bad Chat available on iTunes right now. Hashtag hashtag till I die. Let me ask you a question, Kevin. So you

introduced her to mom. She stayed the night. Yeah. Did Mom make a choice? No, she didn't stay the night. No? No. What time did she leave? Like four in the morning. Four in the morning? I got her an Uber. You got her an Uber? Did you wake your mom up? No. She was asleep? My mom sleeps every day.

She was the Uber driver. Yeah. Did you wake your mom up? No. She was asleep? My mom sleeps with everybody. She was the Uber driver. Yeah. Joe Burr. Wow, I love that.

Oh my God, I love it. After an almost clean shutout last week as a feminist, we all wondered if Joe lost his touch. I fucking needed this, guys. Fucking needed this. Oh, fuck, fuck. This is such a great show. I'm having so much fun.

You guys having fun out there? All right. There he goes, Kevin Mack. He's the original Kevin Mack. I mean, you have no choice but to follow him on Instagram. It's all one word, original Kevin Mack. I mean, you have no choice but to follow him on Instagram. It's all one word. Original Kevin Mac. I'm following him right now.

Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's crazy. Some fun new faces and some fun old faces. Original Kevin Mac. I'm talking about 37-year-old Kevin Mac. This is the part of the show.

We're going to go back to the bucket maybe a couple few times after this I think we're going to go a little bit a couple minutes longer than usual tonight and so we're going to bring up our regular right now this is the only comedian on the show that doesn't get pulled out of the bucket instead for what a year or two or something like that

she's 21 years old, she's been a regular on this show writing and performing a brand new minute every single week. The Frankenstein of Kill Tony, one of our favorite friends, one of our favorite comedians. It's Ali Makovsky. His palms are sweaty and his weak arms are heavy.

His arms are heavy. Good to be here. When I was younger, I walked in on my mom praying, which is scary when you grow up in a non-religious household. When you see that happening, you're like, something really bad just happened. My mom is atheist, but identifies as Christian. I identify as Jewish because I need more money

my mom's atheist but she believes in ghosts doesn't make sense to me can't believe in something that's not there I don't know you always hear bad ghost stories there's never a positive ghost there's never a ghost that does your dishes instead of cracks them.

I guess if you think about it, God was like the first ghost. I don't know. I'm not religious. Boom. A new minute from Allie McCoskey. Some religious stuff in there.

You ever thought you've seen a ghost before maybe? No. Nothing like it? No, I don't think. No. How about you, Bert? Have I seen a ghost? Anything like that? Yeah, of course. Yeah? Can you tell us maybe a little story or something?

Yeah, I was locked in the hole in Alcatraz one night at 4 in the morning. And I was in there for 10 minutes. 4 in the morning? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, was Kevin Mac releasing one of his dirty whores? Hashtag boo. Only one guy got that call back, and he really enjoyed it.

No, I had private access to Alcatraz for the night. And I talked to these guys that do a show called The Ghost Adventures. I said, I want to really see if I can see a ghost. And they said, get them to put you in a situation where you're vulnerable. So I said, lock me in the hole. And so they put me in the hole. They didn't tell me how long I'd be in there. I was in there 10 minutes, and dude, I fucking experienced something crazy.

All of a sudden you hear, boo-ha. Now that was a callback. That was great. That was fucking great. Boo-ha. Were you completely sober when you did this? You sure it wasn't like the ghost of Jack Daniels or something? It's me, Captain Morgan!

I was not sober. I was not sober at all. You were seeing, Captain Morgan! I was not sober. I was not sober at all. You were sitting drunk. I was fucking hammered. What the fuck's going on? It was all the spirits you had drank. Wow, you are fucking killing it. It's unbelievable. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Joel Berg, you are unbelievable tonight. Spirits. Motherfucker. Ali Makovsky. So since you write and perform in New Minute every week, one of the cool things that we get to do with you

that's a little bit different than everybody else since we pretty much already know everything about you is basically like a weekly update. Anything interesting happen this week? We know that you're jobless at this point, but your mom lives in Long Beach. She lives in San Pedro. My dad lives in Long Beach. So sometimes you can go like eat a sandwich or something over there or something like that.

Every once in a while I get a free sandwich thrown my way. My mom watched last week's episode when I talked about being broke. And she was like, why don't you tell me these things? She has to find out on a... I like it that way. I like that she has to watch the podcast. Yeah. She'll call me and I'll be like just listen to

Kill Tony. Yeah. Hey by the way I will tell you this and this is just an insight and the part I love about this show is the constructive criticism. I love the way you talk like right now. Like it's very different than when you're delivering and when you're delivering it's a little bit of like a but like you have the same hint of that but it's

still playful and alive and it doesn't sound like a character it sounds but that you know that's my two cents thank you hashtag bullshit you know what you need? What? A good Jesus stinks joke. That's what you need.

A Jesus what? Jesus stinks. Jesus stinks. I'm trying to do a callback. That fucking callback, I've never seen an hour and a half go by and you brought that back. That was magnificent.

When was the guy that did the Jesus stinks joke? Remember? He was... Was that Buha? Mateo. Mateo Rodriguez. Oh, was it Mateo? It's cool when Dom's the guest. I don't know if I've talked about this

before, but before I started comedy, I would go to the Laugh Factory every week when I was in high school, and Dom would be there. They let kids of any ages in the Laugh Factory. No, I had to use my sister's ID, and I would always see Don there. You've got a fake ID right here at the laugh factory. Let her finish. I think it's a compliment.

You're right. And he just kept bombing. I was like, I can do that. Oh, wow. You are fucking good. Don't go after the elderly. And I would go there so often

that one time you saw me in the audience and you were like, are you stalking me? And I kind of was, because I just wanted to be in that world, so it's cool to be able to be up here and bomb in front of you now. Wow. Look at that. Full circle. Wow.

The good thing about bombing is you can actually hear your act, you know? I want to do less of hearing it. Allie, how's this are people do you notice being jobless and everything and dressing the way you dress that people just give money to you?

One time I sat on Melrose and Robertson and I was sitting waiting for someone and I looked as I do. And everyone just kept walking by me. And I had hair, like I was cute and stuff. And no one asked if I was okay. You look like Jessica Pinkman. What? Breaking Bad joke?

No? More like Aaron Carter just came out of the closet. Boo. All right. How's everything else is good in life, though? Everything else is good.

I applied for a job in the... Ooh, for where? This like dog, like a dog store for like food and things. Wow. I was really prepared. Hopefully it's not a marketing job. Welcome to dog store. But she was like, can I call your previous employers?

I was like, yeah, sure, but I've been fired from every job. Yeah, but she was a real bitch. Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof. Why does... Hashtag woohtag canine unit. Dom Irera. Oh my god. I'm having so much fun tonight.

This is a good episode. Anything else, Allie? Everything good? No, I want to see what else happens. Allie's a fucking machine. It's a tough position to write and perform a brand new minute every single week. She did it again. Some new religious material.

Alright, back to the fucking bucket we go. Bert, you want to pick one? Yeah, I do. Yeah, put your hand in there. Do it. Hashtag bucket or suck it. Ladies and gentlemen, her name is Joy Eileen. Wow, from right here to the front.

Do your renovate! Yeah! Yeah So I have OCD I can only have an orgasm on an even thrust I'm just kidding, I don't have orgasms I'm just kidding. I don't have orgasms. I'm a mom. Is anyone else disappointed that the porn industry doesn't use the slide whistle sound effect as much? Okay, just me. All right. I guess I'm the only one that watches clown porn.

Okay, just me. All right. I guess I'm the only one that watches clown porn. I'm married. We just celebrated our 10-year anniversary. Thank you. We have three boys, so I'm surrounded by wieners. It's a make-a-wish gone wrong.

It happens. They don't always get it right. Let's see, what else? I have a 17-year-old. He's a dick. But I found a way to get him back. For being a... Go ahead, you can finish it.

Okay, so what I do is I go and I find him. And I get really close into his eyes and I look at him and I tell him how proud I am of him. And I kiss him on the cheek. But I forgot to mention, I just gave his dad a blowjob. Whoa! Disgusting. Is that his dad?

We have a possible child predator on stage right now. Keep hearing the sights. 924. 924. So Joy, you've been on the show before a few times. You come to the show often. Remind us, how long have you been on stand-up again? Only a year.

Only a year. Do you do a lot of spots? I don't, and I just got back from a girls' trip like five hours ago. Whoa, what's a girls' trip? I saw the movie. Great. Is that the new movie with Tiffany Haddish? Tiffany Haddish.

Where'd you and the girls go? Vegas. Laughlin. Fucking Laughlin. Laughlin? Hold on. Wait. Wait.

What? Laughlin? It wasn't Laughlin. I don't think I've ever been to Laughlin. Don't. What'd you guys do in Laughlin? Fucking nothing. But why would you go there?

My niece wanted to go. So honestly, we just all talk shit about each other. We'd go to different groups and talk shit about the other ones. Were you guys able to experience any of their famous meth? Yeah. I'm confused, Joy.

My question is why what state? Missouri? No, it's Nevada. Nevada. Okay. So why Laughlin? What state is it? Missouri? No, it's Nevada. Nevada. Okay. So why Laughlin? I honestly cannot tell you. I didn't want to go. You didn't ask?

I didn't want to go. How many people went? Nine. Nine people went. You didn't once go. Why? No, the reason you go to Laughlin is budgetary reasons. Is that true?

Yeah, yeah. It's cheaper. Is it like Prim? Yeah, yeah. It's cheaper. Is it like prim? Yeah, it's a poor man's Vegas. Clearly, she's got a couple friends that don't have a lot of money. They're like, let's go to Vegas. I'm like, I can't cut that shit. Let's go to Laughlin. Is that how it is?

Yeah, what happens in Laughlin never happened. Bert, I'd like to hire you as our house sketch artist. Sure. So what ended up happening in Laughlin? Most exciting part of the trip. Penny slots. Nine chicks.

Anybody win anything? Anything exciting? They all got jet skis, but I don't do that. I don't know. They all got fucking jet skis. Like took them out and drove them? No, no, no. What do you call the ski-doos?

Ski-doos. That's the white trash version of the jet ski. The ski-do is to Laughlin as the jet ski is to Las Vegas. So, Joy, what else in life? You have a 17-year-old and what other ones? 11 and 6. 11, 6, and 17.

You really space them out. What the fuck? Did he do time? The oldest is my stepson. Okay. So, yeah. Oh, yeah. The one covered in his dad's semen. Yeah.

So you guys just had your 10-year anniversary. We did. That's fun. Yeah. How far, where do you guys live? We live in Valencia. What do you do for work again? I'm a massage therapist.

Oh, shit. That's right, I remember you. Hi, Red Band. Red Band. Not from the show. Well, that's fun. Anybody ever try to get you to try to give them a happy ending? Oh, for real?

Yeah. Have you never done it? To him. The suspect's name is Brian Redband. He's still left of you. Come on. No, no. Is it creepy when you take off your underwear,

or do a lot of people take off their underwear? Yeah. Everybody takes off their underwear. Good. It's creepy when you take off your underwear, Brian. Not me. I always leave on my bike shorts, put my penis through the hole for sex. So wait, tell me how, like walk me through how a happy ending pitch.

Like I'll be the massage therapist and you be the guy wanting a hand job. Right. So I'm going, okay, so I go, ready? Okay, so I'm done with your back. Roll over. Basic, okay. No, you be the fucking person. Okay, okay, I'm fucking, okay, so I go, ready? Okay, so I'm done with your back. Roll over. Basic, okay. No, you be the fucking person. Okay, okay, I'm fucking sorry.

Okay. So has anyone ever asked you for a happy ending? Yeah, actually they have. And what do you do? Well, I say no, that's illegal here at Massage Envy. See, I just start rubbing the legs. Like when you're massaging me, I just start rubbing. Is Ethan Hirschenfeld still here by any chance?

Ethan? Did Ethan leave? Yeah, he's long fucking gone. He's back in New York City right now. I did a spot with him when it was Saturday, last Saturday. Wait, what do you want to tell us? We got a possible narc. Are you about to tell us this wasn't the first time?

What happened last time you saw Ethan? I don't know. Oh, okay. You just wanted to say you performed with him. I did. All right, Joy. Well, that's interesting how spaced out your kids are. Always a surprise?

Anything ever sort of planned? The youngest was planned. The youngest one? Yeah. And then you think you're going to have more after that? No, he's... Well, unless I cheat on him, he's snipped. Oh, you got neutered this one.

Fuck, yeah. I'm neutered. So what happens... Too many fucking people. Did you notice that it's different when he finishes? No, it still tastes the same. Whoa. You ever try to park and see how many fucking people there are?

There's too many fucking people. It's like everywhere. Everyone's got their hopes and their dreams. Who gives a fuck? You know what? You know what? You know what way to save the planet is? Kill yourself. I mean, Joy Eileen.

Anything else? It's all sons? All boys? Yeah. And they all live with you still? Yes, unfortunately. Now, you have three kids. You call that living?

But you made a joke at some point in which you said there's three wieners. Yeah. But you said you have three kids. Yeah. They're all boys. Yeah. And him. Well, I said I have three boys.

I'm surrounded by wieners. Oh. It's a make-a-wish gone wrong. Make-a-wish gone wrong. But I don't really get that. Why is that a make-a-wish gone Wrong. Make-A-Wish Gone Wrong. But I don't really get that. Why is that a Make-A-Wish Gone Wrong? Because she wants guys to run trains on her. Uh-huh.

But she wants to play a little leaky submarine. Oh, there's a hole up front. There's a leak in the back. Oh, I'll get one. Plug them all. Ski-do all over my tits. You know, the usual. All right, Joy.

Well, it was fun having you on the show again. Thank you. Fun to meet you. There she goes, Joy Eileen. Joy. A year into the game. Representing. You know how everybody got wise,

and been busting balls and all? With this guy sitting here, there's no way I'd go after her. There's something menacing about you. Not in a bad way, in a good fucking protective way, but there's no way I was going to bust her chops with you staring at me.

He had his balls snipped. He's like one of those eunuchs from Game of Thrones. Anyway, love your work. My little birds. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time, huh? Boo, huh? Deep we go. Deep into the bucket.

All right, put your hands together for James Eadie. The structure of life Dolbs in our minds In an attempt to hold us back We've got to take it back All right, put your hands together for James Eadie. That's the weirdest time to get up and go to the bathroom. Yeah, exactly. Blacklisted. Four people got up to go to the bathroom, and and were like, oh, it must be that guy. No, it's the black guy. They jumped up like Price is Right contestants to do it though. Alright, put your hands together

for Leo E. Alright. Blacklisted. People sign up and they must have gotten scared of bombing. Some people get scared as they see what the show is, how it's going, and they're like, oh, I suck so bad, I'm just going to leave. Put your hands together for William Martinez.

Here he comes. William Martinez. William Martin What's up guys? Yeah, I used to work for Papa John's And you know, like whenever you go up to a girl You know, and you're in a bar, the question always comes up What do you do? How do you make money? And you always gotta make your job sound cooler You're not a janitor, you're a custodial manager

You know what I'm saying? So I think like, you know, you go up to a girl girls, like, what do you do? How do you make money? I'm like, well, see, the first thing is... Oh, sorry, shit. Alright, what did the Canadian Mexican ask his girlfriend for? Orale. You ever lick the girl's asshole before? You know what it tastes like? It tastes like batteries. You know why? Because the first time you do it, it's always shocking. You know, I'm Cuban and Venezuelan, so I'm 110% communist now. I go, what do Donald Trump and Viagra have in common? They both

make shit hard for people. Both my parents are fucking attorneys. We used to fuck with my dad when I was a kid. We used to play his game on him, call it hide the insulin. My mom got in on the trick. She bought him a quadruple chocolate cake for Christmas. I go, mom, what the fuck? Why'd you buy that for Dad? She's like, he's a diabetic. I'm going to finish the job. You get the insurance. It's true.

I go, with all this talk about Trump. Wow. William Martinez. I've always... I've always wondered what it would be like if somebody beat Joel Berg with an unfunny stick. Oh, I'm sorry. No? All right.

Wait, what happened? What do you mean? Like, I felt like we were having sex, and then all of a sudden you panicked and started going down on me. No, because, yeah, I did. Like, you were amazed. I was into that joke, and then you were like, oh, fuck it. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm fucking, you're fucking right.

Dude, it's a good bit. It's a good bit. Because I do imitations and it was supposed to be Jason Statham delivers the pizza instead. And he pulls it off. Wait, you do a Jason Statham? Yes, I do a Jason Statham.

It sounds like this in every fucking movie. Officer Watkins, don't you do a better Jason Statham? I'm not sure. I think Jason Statham sounds a little bit more like this. Oh, shit. There we go. Let's have some fun. We need to build a wall. Jeremiah Watkins. We need to build a wall.

That's Jeremiah Watkins on the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour. Wait, I do a really good Jason Statham. Here's your bloody puppet, George, right here. Jason Statham sounds like this. Oh, my man. It's a different Jason Statham, by the way. He played football at Florida State.

What other impressions do you know how to do, William? He does a spot-on impression of a regional manager at an Olive Garden. Nah. Uh, Louis Armstrong. Who? Louis Armstrong. That's my damn chant! Just kidding

Jeremiah, William What are more impressions that you do? What, not Louis Armstrong Wait, Louis Armstrong? Yeah, you know how Louis talks I see skies of blue Red rose is true Yeah, I do a bit with that

Do you do a Donald Trump? No, I can't do Trump. Who else do you have? Louis Armstrong. Robin Leach. I can do the baseball announcers. I can do... Baseball?

Let's hear a baseball announcer. Like, you know, it's the bottom of the ninth. The Cubs and the Dodgers are playing at Riverfield. Anybody can do that. Well, dude, it's fucking... Or you have the other guys, the soccer ones. You know, Ludovic, Julitz, Henry, DeMessi. It's a great, fantastic match.

Get the hell out of here. The impression machine that we bought specifically for this show is disapproving of your impressions. Oh, yeah. Can you do another one? Wait, I want to hear your, who did you say before baseball announcer, before you started naming just bland jobs? There was one more human. Robin Leach. Yeah, who's?

You know, lifestyles of the rich and famous. This home is worth 2.5 billion dollars. You're getting closer. The machine says that you got two beeps on that. Can you do an impression of Monet, the painter? Probably not, dude. Wow. I know that

there's a lot of people that did not get how good that joke was. Yeah, it was. He was an impressionist painter. That's my Sergeant Patty Reagan right there. Oh, my God. Who else can you do, William? This is awesome for me.

I absolutely love it. Come on, please. Come on. I'll call it out. I'll call it out. You do it, okay? Yeah. Okay.

Andrew McCarthy. I can't do that one. Tom, you just name him, him and we'll do it. Do Kanye West? No, you do DMX. DMX? DMX. DMX, you're my man.

Jeremiah? DMX in the house, man. Oh, you didn't get it either. Wait. Y'all gonna make me. You're my man. Let's pray. Wait, Dom Irera knows how to do DMX.

Woof, woof, woof. Wait, Dom Irera knows how to do DMX. Oh, William, come on. Man, I'm still a little butthurt that I got the buzzer on that one, but let's move forward with the show. Okay. I loved your energy coming onto the stage, and I loved your confidence in that first bit. I wish you hadn't bailed in it, because I think it would have been a lot better. Did you write those jokes that you all recited them?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I've written everything. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since 08. Since 08. Yeah. Where at?

I started the West Palm Beach Improv after I saw Mike Epps. I saw, you know, just followed. Can you do an impression of Mike Epps? No. Pussy! Yeah, I know. I? No. Pussy! Pussy! I can do Cleveland. You can do Andrew. Cleveland?

You know from Family Guy? He's like, Peter, no. Jeremiah? Oh, it is Cleveland Brown. Man, his Cleveland rocks. That doesn't sound anything like Grover Cleveland. William, who else can you do? Guys, I don't think you understood how good that joke was right there.

I need to get burned a little more. Can you do a Jeremiah Watkins impression? No, that would suck. Just talk like a fag. I'm just fucking around. Hey, guys, you guys are getting me. Don't have my boy Jeremiah like that. I'll fucking fucking around. Hey, you guys are getting me. I like that. I'll fucking rape you.

Damn. You just got threatened of butt rape. My boy Patty Reagan is threatened to rape you, dog. Chris Dillon said we'll get away with it, too. We heard a little DMX. Any other rappers that you know or musicians? You got to be able to do Biggie. Yeah. Like Biggie the

motherfucker. Jeremiah. Jeremiah, do you have anything for Biggie? Nah, don't go. I want that one. How the fuck did Louis Armstrong get on that list? Because my... Because my dad liked, you know, I like classic music. I'm Cuban and Venezuelan, so you get a bunch of

styles of music that you're up with. But they don't know Louis Armstrong. Yeah, everybody knows What a Wonderful World. They know Louis Armstrong. Everybody knows, you know. And I say to myself, What a Wonderful World. But when I saw it, you actually panicked and wanted to joke jokes. Yeah.

Which was interesting, because I was thinking of like, what do you call a Mexican hitchhiking? Stranded, those kind of jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what do you call a Mexican hitchhiking? What do you call a Mexican hitchhiking? Stranded. Those kind of jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what do you call a Mexican hitchhiking? What do you call a Mexican hitchhiking? Stranded. That's the joke. I like it.

What was your joke? Wait, what do you call a Mexican hitchhiking? Stranded. What do you... Not... What do you call a Mexican hitchhiking? Stranded. I don't know. What do you call a Mexican hitchhiking stranded? I don't know.

What do you call a Mexican hitchhiking stranded? You can't take apart fucking comedy like that. Who's on first? Hey, Tony. Get him a bone, quickly. What do you call a Mexican hitchhiking stranded? Will you leave me alone with this fucking joke? I gotta pee.

What are the most alien sightings concentrated in Mexico? What's that? What are the most alien sightings concentrated in Mexico? Where are the most alien sightings concentrated in Mexico? Because aliens are attracted to other aliens. Boo! Ah! Ah! All right, I'll take that. Why don't you take that apart, Mr. Schultzmeister?

William, what do you do for a living? I do real estate. Real estate? Yes. Wow, sell us a house right now. I see crabs. I see crabs. I see crowds. I have a closet.

I see two bedrooms and a bathroom. Big spacious backyard. A place to put an above ground pool. And a three car garage. And I say to myself, this is $525,000 with a down payment of 20%. And only 2.5 APR.

Well, William, we had a lot of fun with you. For sure, man. Thank you. Next year, he's going to be celebrating doing comedy. Ten years. Not the easiest start for him. William Martinez is on Twitter.

His Twitter handle is WillBeFunny. It should say maybe someday after that. Follow him on Twitter. It will be funny. Look at that drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Unbelievable. Every single week. You can watch him do that

if you watch the VR360 stream and look to your bottom right on the Kill Tony YouTube. The Monster Energy Outbreak Tour takes me to Columbia, Atlanta, Charlotte, New York City, Boston, Portland, San Francisco, and Los Angeles with my great friend, Officer Jeremiah Watkins over there who's doing killer, killer sets featuring for me, doing these long half-hour sets before I do my new hour after him. We're having a lot of fun,

thanks to all those other cities, people that came out. Dom Irera, what's going on? You're in the season finale of I'm Dying Up Here on Showtime? Yeah, I'm in that. When's that? Is that on Sunday? I just missed it. It's on Sundays, yeah. It's pretty good.

I don't know if it's going to get picked up, though, because it's too show-busy. It's an awesome show. It is a great show. Bert Kreischer. Wait, what? I like it. Wait, I've got to say that I'm in Boston this week with Robert Kelly at the Wilbur Theater.

Oh! And I'm in the Hamptons, some Tropicana. I'll be all over the world. People seem to love me yeah the machine Bert Kreischer wow

alright oh what give some dates oh oh to the hundreds of thousands of people this weekend stand up Phoenix

the 24th through 26th Denver 27th 28th 29th and then Singapore on the 9thup Phoenix, the 24th through 26th. Denver, 27th, 28th, 29th. And then Singapore on the 9th. Perth on the 11th. If you don't see him in Denver, you can see him in Singapore. Yeah.

Sydney, Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, D.C. You're fucking organized, man. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. How loud can this place get for this kid? He deserves a standing ovation. He best three lines of the night. He's on Twitter at MostlySorry. Anything else?

That's it. I love you guys. Thanks. The great Jeremiah Watkins. Go ahead. Hey, guys. Follow me on social media. Reach out at JeremiahStandUp and tune into Tony Hinchcliffe's Instagram stories in the upcoming weeks. We've got some good stuff cooking for you guys. We are the new truck honking champions of the world, and not many of you know that.

Jeremiah and I on the road during this tour have made hundreds and hundreds of trucks honk like a little kid, and it makes us laugh and enjoy ourselves every goddamn time. Hashtag honk champs, and then catch me on the Monster Energy Drink Tour at Tony Hinchcliffe, and if you mess with me, my boy Patty Reagan will rape you. Patty motherfucking Reagan, the leader of the band.

Hey, check out the song Rubber Band Man. It's a song from the 70s. It's fucking great. And the bass player, Chris Dylan, Chroma Chris. Check me out at the Chroma Keys. You can also check my other music project out, Drack and the Swamp Rats.

I never understand anything he says. They're fucking awesome. Their band's awesome. Drack and the Swamp Rats. Remember, guys, there's unfortunately, as always, only under emergency conditions do we ever miss a show. And there is no show next week. But we come back on the week after that with Luis J. Gomez and a secret special guest. So we'll be back in the main room in two weeks playing with fire.

One more big congratulations to the newest paid regular of the Comedy Store, Kill Tony producer Josh Martin. Live audience, thank you so much for coming out. We absolutely love you. We'll see you on the front patio. We'll give you high fives and take pictures if you want after the show. Thank you. We love you. Good night.

See you guys. And the way the sunlight plays upon her head I hear the sound of a gentle wind On the wind that lifts her perfume through the air I'm picking up good vibrations She's giving me the excitations I'm picking up good vibrations She's giving me the excitations Excitation's good, I'm fucking off Goodbye, bridge Give me my excitation

Good, goodbye, bridge.