KILL TONY - KILL TONY #227

Episode Date: September 1, 2017

Luis Gomez, Pauly Shore, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 08/28/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There we have all the past episodes and video portions of the show and all the other shows that we do at Death Squad. If you click on Tour Dates, you can see where Death Squad's at next. Not only do we do the first and third Friday at the road-famous Ice House in Pasadena, California, we do Kill Tony every Monday on the road.

September 6th, we have a big show at the Comedy Store. Tom Segura and Christina Pajitsky is going to be there. That's next Wednesday. November 8th, we're going to be in Morty's in Indianapolis, Indiana. Me and Kate Quigley. And November 9th, going to our hometown, Columbus, Ohio, at the Funny Bone. Me and Kate Quigley are going to both of those dates. So check out DeathSquad.tv, click on Tour Dates.

Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has a website, and you can go see his tour dates. He's going to be in Tacoma, Washington, Denver, Colorado, Austin, Texas. Just go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony. ShopSquad.tv is the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Not only do we have the Kill Tony shirt, which is almost sold out. So if you guys want that first Kill Tony shirt, you better grab it now. Go to ShopSquad.tv. Also have the new Death Squad cat shirt.

Got some hats left. Again, go to ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. E-Belt. He have the new death squad cat shirt. Got some hats left again. Go to shop squad dot TV. Ryan J. E belt. He's the house artist. He had, he draws every episode.

He drew the posters. He also has prints of every episode. Go to Ryan J. E belt.com. And last but not least, we want to thank our sponsors of this episode. Yes, we got sponsors now.

We've got great sponsors, though. Dollar Shave Club. Man, they have great razors. We also have Zip Recruiter if you are looking to hire somebody or if you want to find a job. And MeUndies, which are very comfortable. I'm wearing some right now. So thank you to our sponsors. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony hey this is Red Band coming to you live

from the road famous comedy store main room for our brand new episode of Kill Tony give it up for Tony Hitchcock yeah hello good evening welcome it's so good to be back Tony, give it up for Tony Hitchcock. Yeah! Hello! Good evening. Welcome. It's so good to be back. We were off last week for the first time in forever, and we're back, guys.

Welcome, live audience. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Hey, look, it's Josh Martin, the newest paid regular at the Comedy Store. There he is. Powerful Brian Redband here. Hey, guys. What's up? With every episode

on the ones and twos with us. And life is good. And it's good to be back. I've been doing the road continuously. Just flew in from Boston today. Was in New York Saturday. Life is good in the middle of the Monster Energy

Outbreak Tour. And it continues on Wednesday at San Francisco Cobbs. For those of you listening to the live stream and listening to the podcast live. San continues on Wednesday at San Francisco Cobbs. For those of you listening to the live stream and listening to the podcast live. San Fran on Wednesday, Portland at the Aladdin Theater. You know that's the first

theater that I ever opened up for a big comedian at. Jeff Ross took me on the road back in 2011. I opened for him at the Aladdin Theater. I'm doing it myself for the first time this Friday in Portland, Oregon. And the craziest one and probably the hardest one for me to sell tickets to, is next Tuesday in Los Angeles at the Comedy Store Main Room.

So good luck having people buy a $20 ticket to that show when I perform next door for $15 every night with also 15 of the best comedians in the world before and after me. But I'm sure people will just want to see me do a really long set in here. Yeah. A lot of fun stuff happening,

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It changed my life. It's time to let MeUndies change yours. Go to MeUndies.com slash kill right now. You guys ready to start the show? Let's do one more. Let's make a fun announcement. Kill Tony is going to be at the Boston Comedy Festival one month from now.

So if you're in Boston, comedians, sign up for Kill Tony. Alright, we finally fucking did it. You guys ready to meet tonight's guests? Huh? I'm excited about it as with every other week ever. We always have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. Both of these guys have been

guests on this show. I'm so excited about this. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Louis J. Gomez and Pauly Shore. Woo doggie. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah.

The Weasel and the Rattlesnake. I used to play drums in this room when I was a kid. Really? I used to be in a band. This is my mom's club. I don't know if you guys give it to my mom. Mitzi Short. When I was a kid, I used to be in a band.

I used to play drums right there before the Comedy Store players. If you want, we do this thing sometimes where if somebody challenges the drummer, Joel Jimenez, Joel Berg, to a drum off, he always accepts, so maybe later on in the show. I'm going to bring them out right now. You want to see the band? Hey, Tony, I also

used to play drums. Really? Oh, triple. We could have a three-way drum off. Does that sound cool? To close tonight's show, The triple drum-off? Guaranteed fun. But also, just before we start the show, I just want to say this is the first time I've been on the show since...

Wait a second. Wow, there he is. A little teaser. It's Joel Berg. But anyways, this is the first time that I've been on the show since Josh Martin's become a paid regular. That's cool, can we bring Josh out? It's a really big deal, where is he? There he is again

Come and sit There he is A human South Park character There he is, Josh Martin All the character in the world right there Sorry about that, I'm just trying to So let's just get into it. One of my favorite things...

Doesn't Josh look like Paulie before he got cool? Yeah. Let's bring up tonight's band. I've been looking forward to this for two fucking weeks. I miss these guys so much. Improvisational gurus. One of my favorite parts of this show. It's the Kill Tony band.

Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Come on! Come on, audience! How are you not excited right now? And the bass player that we don't know. What? And the bass player we don't know. Wow.

Hey, Tony. Yeah? How come emo kids don't wear shorts? Why? Because they have sad calves and it'd make other people sad, too. Yeah. So you guys are emo kids tonight, huh? Every week? Yeah, can I just say you did three ads?

Can't believe you guys sold out like that. Oh, sorry. Oh, look, it's Bi-Chemical Romance. You guys look fucking great. It's going to be exciting to see. They always commit to different characters every week. I never know what they're going to do. And we all watch comedians together.

At some point earlier in the night, comedians sign up or just somebody trying it for the first time. Sometimes it's just a crazy person that just signs up for random things out on the front. There seems to be a couple of them over there already representing. This bucket here, Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny, it's called,

is filled with random names and when I pull one out, they perform 60 seconds of whatever they think stand-up comedy is. And then afterwards, we talk to them as though they're just a guest on the show. We learn a lot about them. Are you eating some of Diaz's edibles? Edibles?

Edibles. Yeah, yeah. I've heard of it. Edibles? These amazing edibles by L.A. Speedweed. Yes, we love L.A. Speedweed. Listen, the crowd goes crazy. Shout out.

So let's do it. Comedians, you know how it works. If I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Aw, isn't that adorable? That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out

the angry West Hollywood bear. So ridiculous. You guys ready to start the show? Monday night, I'm going to be honest with you. I need more from you. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show? Then let's do it. Your first comedian performing tonight goes by the name of A.J. Rank.

Thank you, thank you. Excuse me, I just got to clear my throat. I just want to apologize about my voice right up top. I'm still trying to fight off this puberty. So, yeah. 28, so I've been battling that for about 14 years now. That's exciting stuff. Fucking hate my voice. I get a call from telemarketers.

I'm like, hello? And they're like, yeah, can you put your mommy on the phone? I'm like, god damn it. I'm an adult. And they're like, okay, calm down, lady, okay, great, awesome, puberty sucks, I don't like getting older, I said I was growing, I'm 28, I don't like, I don't like getting older, it's depressing, so sometimes, just to feel like a kid again. I like to lock myself in a hot car. Yeah. Okay, all right.

This is my most expensive joke I've ever wrote, so this is for you guys. Or I'll just stop. Should I stop? All right. Is that his sound? Or did you do that? No, that's 60 seconds, Pauly. That's when you know somebody's time's up.

I thought that was part of his puberty jokes. No? No, people's impressions out of the bucket are never that good. Hey, Tony. Yeah? I think we can all agree that puberty does suck! Not cute!

AJ, how long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Where are you from? Michigan. Oh, Michigan. Yeah. You really do have a little soft voice, don't you? I do.

Yes, I do. Wow. Can't do anything about it. Hey, AJ. I like the part where you said, getting older is depressing. That's my cutter, Patty Reagan, right there. He looks like a writer, you know? He looks like a writer, like he goes to a writer's room or some shit.

Yeah, if you only have the jokes of a writer. Yeah, it's not a writer. AJ, it was a very depressing feeling. I feel like you need to project some sort of happiness out of the audience that was like, it just made me feel sad for you. You have the same voice as a fat,

fat, sad man. You have the same voice of a person who just listened to your set. Okay. What does it sound like when you order through the drive-thru? Let's just keep it real. Pretend like you're in a car. Move the mic a little bit away from your face.

Welcome to Wendy's. What can I get for you? Yeah, can I get the number one? All right, ma'am. First of all. Well, I try to make it deeper sometimes. Can we hear him deeper? It doesn't.

It's not deep. I'll see where you try it. So try it again. Drive-thru we hear him deeper? It doesn't. It's not deep. So try it again. Drive through. Alright, welcome to Wendy's. What can I get for you? Yeah, can I get the... It's the exact same. Can I get chemo? He's definitely cute.

Is there any gay guys here that think he's cute, for real? Tony, are you gay, AJ? He's cute, right? AJ, are you gay? I'm not, but I'm just saying. No, he could be. He could play that part, too.

He kind of looks like Clark Kent, you know what I'm saying, like that, but I just feel like he does not have the voice that would ever turn into Superman. Yeah, or the body. What is your karaoke song? You asked me this last time. Really? You were on before? Yeah.

Lose Yourself. Very memorable. Did you have this voice last time? I did. Really? You didn't have a cold or something? No. I don't know. You should start smoking, maybe. I smoke weed, but I got to do cigarettes, I think.

Is there ever a situation in life where having a voice like that has helped you? Buying candy. No, like... I think... There he is. Look out. Joelberg won for one in the battle. You know what I think?

I think he should let me stick my finger in his butt and see what happens. Yeah. Are you down for that? What do you think? Right here. AJ Rank, huh? The original audition. You're going to go in that AJ stank?

Just because it might help his voice AJ have you ever had a finger in your butt I've not You've never had a finger in your butt Have you ever been popped by the weasel before I've not Yeah he wants to go unplugged On your ass.

Unplugged? Think about it. I mean, that might fix it. You know what I mean? I don't think so. No? Have you ever thought about getting therapy for it or anything? Do you hate it?

My voice? Yeah. What do you get therapy for? We all hate your voice, dude. Yeah, right. I mean, you could use it. If you wanted to, you could use it to your advantage. I think you could be the first crossover

male female voiceover artist like you could just be women so I could just be a woman yeah you could take women hardworking women voiceovers you sound like you're behind a door that's like he does something

he's like underneath covers or some shit right He does some. I don't know. He's like underneath covers or some shit, right? Why would I ever think about getting speech therapy? Is there anybody over there? Can you please turn down your television? Charlie Brown, teacher's daughter. Do I mumble as well? You seem like a sweet kid, though.

There's definitely a place in this business for you. Tony, what position do you think he's in? I think he's already there. I think he's exactly where he can make it. Getting pulled out of a bucket on a bucket show. Thank you. Sounds like he's actually in a bucket. So he's done good for himself. Yeah, Tony.

You've done good. Tony, he's the guy doing the knock-knock and knock-knock jokes. Knock-knock. Hey, AJ. Maybe you guys didn't hear me. AJ, AJ, is that your name? It is. AJ, what's your morning ritual?

Do you wake up, smoke a bowl, suck a helium balloon, go order fast food? No, I wake up and shower. Oh, that's cool. That's it. What do you do for work? AJ, AJ, AJ, make it more literal. What do you mean? Nothing.

I don't know this shit. How do you make a living? I work for a paper company. What do you mean? Nothing. I don't fucking, I don't know this shit. I don't know what. How do you make a living? I work for a paper company. You call that living? A paper company? Paper company, yeah. What kind of paper? Staples.

Kind of. We import paper, like printer paper. Exciting stuff. Like Dunder Mifflin. Cool. At least it's not a dying industry. No, well, it's not, actually. No papers. Business is

a booming. It's crazy, man. I'm telling you. AJ. Yep. When's the last time... AJ, is that your name? It is. AJ, when's the last time you got a BJ? Good question. That's a good question. Maybe a week and a half, two weeks ago

Is that from a girl that you normally hook up with Or was it like a fun one night stand Yeah it is Was it a girl who thought you were actually Michael Cera No I should use that She sounded just like him while she was talking With his dick in her mouth.

So you're from L.A.? No, Michigan. You wear the L.A. hat, though? Yeah, I went to a Dodgers game, so I thought, why not? Where are you from? Michigan. Oh, yeah, you said that. Sorry. Sorry.

So, AJ, you're working at a paper company. You're doing some stand-up comedy. What's your big goal? What do you want to do? If you could do anything, what would it be? I want to some stand-up comedy. What's your big goal? What do you want to do? If you could do anything, what would it be? I want to do stand-up. Maybe not anymore. No, I want to.

Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? No. Whispering. He's screaming right now. I'm a big fantasy football guy. I love fantasy football, so that's like...

Now's my... He fantasizes about football players. Yeah, it's the only kind of football he can play with a voice like that. I think he's a sweet kid. There's got to be something for him in this town. I don't know what it is yet. We already did that, Pauly.

We already did that. Sorry, it was that edible I took backstage. I don't know what it is yet. We already did that, Pauly. We already did that. Sorry, it was that edible I took backstage. I didn't already say that. There's definitely a place in this town for him. Maybe on the suburbs somewhere. But maybe just outside of town. There's a place somewhere. Flappers.

AJ, we love you. There you go. Pauly Shore invited you to Flappers. We like you. That you go. Pauly Shore invited you to Flappers. We like you. We like you. That's what everybody wants. You get to the comedy store, and the owner of the club's son sees you,

and he looks you right in the eye, and he says, go to Flappers. He's on Twitter at AJ Rank Jr. What about Bud Key? Do you remember Bud Key? I have my old assistant up here. Oh, my God.

Pauly has a real knack for finding his favorite character on this show and turning him into a PA, and then he works his way up, and then they're suicidal five months later every time. They just come up to me, You started this! All right. they just come up to me you started this all right put your hands together for janae de filipa What's happening? So, in case you can't tell by the accent, I'm from New Jersey. But I'm from Atlantic City, New Jersey, which is like a really fucking shitty Vegas in the hood.

One thing for a chubby white girl growing up in the hood, there's one thing I got a lot of. D! I was filet m growing up in the hood, there's one thing I got a lot of. D! I was filet mignon up in that bitch, man. I never had a dry day. And then I come here to California, and I'm just a flat iron steak. You know, if it's the only thing on the menu, it'll do. But I'm smart, because I hang out with all the pretty bitches, right? And all the pretty bitches bring a group of high guys.

And there's always one of those guys that'll take one for the thing. The only problem with them is they always want to go to them damn nightclubs. And I don't like nightclubs because I'll tell you why. When you're getting in your groove and you're having a good time, right, here they come. The hiney hole violators. And I got to say a plural because once you get rid of one, here comes another one. Jack Hammer.

Wow. Jenny DeFaliba. She looks like she was on MSN Lockup Women's Edition. I'm just saying. I love's Edition. I'm just saying. I love that show. I'm a fan. I feel like if her and AJ could trade voices, they'd both be successful.

Oh, yeah. She looks like she's had multiple boyfriends that have been told that they're not the father. I never thought that on the same stage at the same time we'd have Pauly Shore and Jersey Shore. It's happening. So you said back in Jersey you always got the day. What did you say?

Oh, the D. The D. What's the D? The dick. Isn't it black dick? Yeah. So why don't you say black dick? Because that's what you used to get. Yeah, I was just trying to.

But Pauly, Pauly... That's what I'm saying. I got to be honest. If you listen to her talk and watch the way she's dancing around, it was sort of implied. Yeah. That's what I thought.

I mean, you called the asshole the hiney hole like you got raped and you were scared to save her. Yeah, see, she was more of a Yo! MTV raps type of girl. Jenny, am I saying that correctly? Yes, you are. Jenny? J-E-N-N-A. Am I saying that correctly? Yes, you are. Jenny? J-E-N-N-A-Y? Is that correct?

Honestly, it's spelled like Jenna, but I switched the spell and my mom ain't rep. All right, Jenny. Good move. Well, I always liked your style, Jenny. De Filippa. De Filippa. De Filippa. What is that?

Italian. You're Italian. De Filippa Bucket. Hey! DeFillipo. DeFillipo. What is that? Italian. You're Italian. DeFillipo bucket of chicken. Say it again. DeFillipo bucket of chicken. Jenny, how long have you been in Los Angeles? Five years.

Five years? Really? That is not the answer I was expecting. Two weeks max is what I had on that. I would have almost bet everything, but five years. Alright, what you been doing for five years? Comedy, working

at restaurants. Really? Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. What restaurants? Bubba Gump. Shanae? Shanae? Do you work at Bubba Gump, Shanae? Where do you work? Morton Steakhouse.

Whoa, that's a good one. Yeah, it's nice. I like Morton. Do you recommend the filet or the New York? The New York. The New York, yeah. I like the New York, too. All right, I just wanted to...

What do you do there? What was that? What do you do there? Creamed spinach or sauteed? What was that? What do you do at Morton's? Server. Really? You're a server at a Morton's? Right.

I know. It's shocking. And you talk about the bit? Yeah. What is it? She serves that pig. I did serve at Morton's. Wait, what was that? I said I did serve at Morton's.

Oh, I gotcha. I'm sorry. So let's talk about it a bit. So what were you saying about the duh? I said I got the duh. How do you have the duh? Like, no, like, I... Duh.

Extended labia? No, thank God. That would suck. What's the biggest dump you've pushed out of your hiney hole? Not cute. So guys like to hump you is what you're saying. And you like to hump guys. Yeah, it's fun.

That's cool, right? Yeah. What about out here in L.A.? Do you like to hump guys out here or not as much? No, it's not on good much plan. I don't know. You like the East Coast? Yeah.

Yeah, better? Yeah. You like those Jersey Shore type of guys? No, not at all. What's your favorite type of guy? Black guys. Dudes that wear favorite type of guy? Black guys. Dudes that wear socks when they fuck? I like fat guys.

What do you like about... Nobody likes fat guys. Redband, what's up, bro? No, no, you woke the dead over here. What is it about fat guys that you like? Well, I don't want to date anybody that's thinner than me. They pull their pants off and I go, okay, it's okay, now I feel better.

Okay, that's sad. Now, what is it about black guys that you like more than white guys? What do you think that is? The day, yeah. I mean, it's just that? It's the size and the shape? They taste like a good steak.

Nice filet mignon oh my god it's the reliability Tony so like what's the shadiest hook up that you've had if you could recall what's the biggest dump you push out of the hiney hole

I guess we could just do both of those questions at the same exact time to answer the question I actually and I forgot about this for years, but I did it in my friend's bathroom. You did it? He was hot. The biggest poo-poo you ever took was in your friend's bathroom? That, too, maybe.

It happens. I mean, it seems like you've done something shadier than that, Jenae. I'm not going to lie. I feel like you've had sex in like a porta potty. No, not that dirty. Something shadier. She already said she likes black guys. Oh, Jesus.

Wow. You emos are more racist than usual. Don't try to change me. So funny, Jeremiah Watkins. All right. So, Jenna, you workkins. All right. So, Jenny, you work at a steakhouse. Yes. You do a lot of comedy?

Yeah. What's your family like? What do your siblings do? I have no siblings. What do your parents do? Well, one, they don't do much. My mom works at the Acme. At the Acme?

Yeah, it's a supermarket. She cuts cold cuts. Do they have steak there? Yeah. You have to make it yourself, but they have it. Huh. And what does your dad do?

She doesn't know her dad, Tony. She changed her name. She's out of the family forever. All right. Jenny, if there was one thing that you probably didn't want people to know about you, what would it be? Maybe some weird habit that you have that you do

that's a little bit out of place that you sort of kept secret from everyone. That dress is made of casino carpet. Yeah. That's it. It's true. It really is. I think that... Tostok, my secret.

MGM Grand or something like that, I believe. Paris. What's something weird that you do, Janae, that you think makes you different than other people? Sometimes when I get nervous, I shake like this. Wow! Look at that!

Brian, you're making it so sad with that music. It's the saddest music ever. Good. Alright. When do you do that? You didn't do it before coming up here. No, I don't do it in public I go in the bathroom and release it

Like a big dump out of your honey hole Can I say You're sweeter than your stage persona Yeah You seem like a sweet girl Your stage persona was like I don't want that girl around me at all Like you I'm like alright bring Jenny out She'll blow everybody probably Let's fucking have her hang out You seem like a sweet girl. Your stage persona was like, I don't want that girl around me at all.

Like you, I'm like, all right, bring Jenny out. She'll blow everybody probably. Let's fucking have her hang out. She's cool. And you know what? In honor of my good friend Jeremiah Watkins, who's been on the tour with me and everything, I'm going to follow up on his question,

and I'm going to ask you, if you had to guess in couplets or something like that, how big is the biggest poop that you've pushed out of your hiney hole? Duh. Wow, look at that. With her hands she showed us. Right when you thought my question was too far overboard, she showed us

with her fucking hands. Audio listeners, it was about two feet. Yeah, it was very big. It was very big. It was touching heads. I love your honesty. And that's what stand-up comedy's all about. Right, Pauly? Yes, sir. You were a little kid running around here when someone like Janae, decades ago, named Roseanne Barr came in and kept it real.

This is a compliment. She played herself. There's a big difference between Roseanne and Janae. What's the big difference, Pauly? I want to hear you say it. I don't want to say it. It's mean. No, just say it.

You have to be honest. Roseanne was more ready to be made. I mean, she was ready. She's not. Right. Not that you'll never get there, of course. I mean, don't stop trying. But I'm just saying the level that you're at when she came.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean. She's like Roseanne Barr if the bar was lowered. You're more I mean? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean. She's like Roseanne Barr if the bar was lowered. You're more like Roseanne Barr.

Just keep doing it. Just keep doing it, you know? No problem. Jenny D. What? Jenny D. Filippo, ladies and

gentlemen. There she is. Thank you. Jenna D. Filippo on Twitter. J-E-N-N-E-D-I-F-L-I-L. I bet she loves giving oral sex for sure. Do you, Jenny? Is that true?

Polly has a pretty good radar for that. Jenny, yell at us. Do you love giving oral sex? Wow, there you go. She did, actually. I feel like she would use her teeth a lot. Hiney Hole is open for business. I pulled a name out of the bucket.

You guys want more? Keep it going for Charlie Newhart. Is anybody moving? Is that Charlie Newhart coming from there? That's not? Oh, wow. Charlie Newhart. Blacklist day. That not? Oh, wow. Charlie Newhart. Blacklist day.

That does sound like a show from the 70s that just got canceled. Did you hear they canceled Charlie Newhart? It's a shame. Been on the air for 35 years. This sounds like a guy that will actually be here. How about James Pontillo? James? James?

All right. James? Alright. That's weird. People get scurred sometimes. Blacklisted. Alright, this sounds like a fake name. This one actually sounds like the person that wouldn't be here. Let's see what happens. How about Chunk Blumski?

So stupid. Wait a second. Oh, shit. Chunk Blumski. How we doing? Chunk Blumski, plus-size pornographer. Listen, I got a bone to pick, and it's with Pornhub. You might be thinking, Chunk, you're a plus-size pornographer.

You love Pornhub. False. Okay? Pornhub. You might be thinking, Chunk, you're a plus size pornography. You love Pornhub. False. Okay? Pornhub been fucking me over. And I got a bone to pick with the titles. The other day I was surfing Pornhub. I'm trying to see what the competition looks like. And I go across and I look at this one video and I

see this beautiful Asian tiger lily. And I say, wait a minute. I recognize that beautiful vag. That's Asian tiger lily jade and lea a good friend of mine so I continue to look and also I see a glorious cock staring at me I say wait a wait a second this is my scene from close encounters with the turd kind my first anal film and another one I kept looking this one says Jamie has an amazing ass and great butthole, yo. And I'm like, listen, fella.

If Jamie's ass was really that amazing, I would know it and Jamie intimately. And also, don't end the sentence with a preposition. Okay? Listen, guys, we're changing the names. It's like calling Bohemian Rhapsody. All right, Chunk Blumsky. Did you not hear the goddamn motherfucking cat?

Did you not hear the fucking pussycat? No, I didn't hear it. I just want to say I grew up. Every time I masturbated, it was to biodome. I swear to God, I remember when I was just a little boy. I see the commercial. It goes, man, we were brought back as a leotard. I said, that's what I want to do.

And that's all for you. Tony, George Bush looks awful. From Texas. Now, Chunk, we've never seen you before. We've seen your stand-up comedy version. What's his name again? His name's Tom Whalen. He's not here right now.

But he's not here because Chunk Blumski's here. Yeah, this is Chunk. You know, the last couple years I've just been devoted mostly to the adult entertainment industry. Do you live in a van down by the river? Not currently, but I do live in a hammock, though. And it's covered in lubricant. When I was watching you, all I could think about was Chris Farley, and I was thinking, why couldn't it have happened to you? That's a great compliment, because I heard he has a giant rig. And Sandy Danto, too.

Thank you very much. This is a good character. I'm sure it's like Kenny Powerless or something like that. I was thinking heck black. I've gotten flapjack black before. I love pancakes, guys. I'm going to let you in on a secret.

Chunk, what else have you done? What do you do? You do open mics sometimes? Is this your debut? Chunk Blumski, no. I actually have a public access TV show called The Hot Blumsky where I bring on my hottest and most attractive porn friends. And I just delve into them. How many episodes have you done? We're on episode number four right now, but we're kicking strong, baby. Is it really on public access?

Well, it's on what's called DroneBox, www.dronebox.com. And you can go on there. You can check it out. That was the worst plug I've ever heard. Out of the three and a half minutes of commercials that we had, somehow you had the worst plug on this entire show. Listen, it's free real estate. We all heard your heart flutter after you said it.

Like, ooh, am I going to get in trouble for that? You also didn't need the www. That was a lot. Yeah, www. Listen, I'm not letting you guys go to a different address. You need the www. I hate characters. Chunk, I'm going to be play with them. www. That was a lot. Yeah, www. Listen, I'm not letting you guys go to a different address. You need the www. I hate characters. Chunk, I'm going to be honest with you.

I don't like characters on this show. It was adorable what you did, but let's just keep moving. We're going to go meet a real human. Chunk Blumski. I already got my fucking characters. It's the goddamn Kill Tony band. I didn't know he was a character. I thought that was him.

No, it's not. I'm guessing things aren't going that good for the actual stand-up that has lowered himself to doing Chunk Blumsky ever since. Tony, me and Jeremiah took our shirts off because emo kids get hot too. Wow. Are your nipples colored in?

Yeah, they're black. Is that ink? Like my heart. I tattooed his nipples backstage. Dude, I love the eclipse. I wish that was year-round. Dude, I wish I could go to a beach with black sand, black water. We know zero black people, though.

Yeah. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. What show is this that we're on right now? It's called Kill Tony. Oh. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. What show is this that we're on right now? It's called Kill Tony. Oh. All right. Put your hands together for Brianna Upton. Movement.

Is that her? Ugh. Here she comes. Brianna Upton. Hi, guys. So I'm originally from the South. I was born and raised in Rayford, North Carolina, which was confusing for the white people there because they could see that I'm brown,

but they never knew which racial sir to call me. Oh, wow. If they're going to call me a nigger, they want to be sure I'm at least part black, which I respect. I don't like it, but I respect it. I am mixed though. My mom, she's Hawaiian and Samoan and my dad is black. And I get a lot of weird compliments or people give me what they think are compliments, but are actually just racist remarks. So one time I was at the store with my dad, and the lady behind the register, she's looking at both of us. She looks at my dad, she looks at me, and then she looks at my dad again, and then she turns to me,

and she goes, wow, you're really pretty for a black girl. And then my dad overhears, and he turns to her, and he goes, hey, she's not that pretty. And that's all I got. 52 seconds of Breanna Upton. I think I need a new assistant. Uh-uh. Looks like Polly found one.

How fast do you type? Very slowly. Okay, you're not my assistant. I type fast. She says she's half black. That means I type slowly. She says she's half black. That means I type slowly. You started it. Half Hawaiian.

You said the N word. Half Hawaiian, half black. Yeah, we were all thinking it. You came out and said it. My mom, she's Hawaiian and Samoan, and my dad is black. Say that one more time. My mom, she's Hawaiian and Samoan, and my dad is black. So I'm half Polynesian, half black.

So you can't swim? I don't... Can? Maybe? Can you? Can you swim? I want to say I can because of that, but I can't. Wow. Damn.

I wish I could, but... I wish you could too. What do you do for work Rihanna Steals hubcaps I I kind of work at Barnes and Noble I was on here before And I told you guys I worked at the improv in Irvine

But then I stopped going Because it was too far So now I kind of work at Barnes and Noble What do you mean you kind of work at Barnes & Noble? Because no job can hold her down, Tony. That's right. I got a job there, but I stopped going sometimes, and I was still in training.

So you don't work there. I think I have a shift on Thursday. Don't put her in a box, alright? I'm looking for a new job, basically. Wow. That was sad. You sound like a really shitty employee.

I've quit five jobs this past month. Can you make poke? There's a lot of poke places opening up in LA. I just thought maybe it was an opportunity. Sorry. I was trying to register what that was. You said the N-word pretty strong in your set.

I liked that. For that, you win the show. I feel like I can say it. How old are you, 23? Exactly, yeah. Yeah. Those are the ages where people are a little fucked up. You know what I mean?

People are fucked up at 23. No, she needs group therapy or some shit, for real. You need to let... You're a victim. You're a very victim. You just need to or some shit. For real. You need to... You're a victim. You're a very victim. You just need to watch Moana. Very victim. No, you're very woe is me.

You're very hard on yourself. It's bad whenever you're told you need to get group therapy from the weasel. Josh, what the fuck, bro? Come up here. Why not come? Yeah, I'll have a crown and coke, Josh. Dude, I think you need to see a psychologist or something, bro. What do you do for fun, Brianna?

I like to write and read books. Boy, those are just two of the worst answers possible. Every time I ask that question, my first thing is, please just don't say writing and reading. Yeah, those are also the least black answers you could have named. Okay, so far, she said a lot of things that aren't appealing, correct?

Yes. Can I ask you one thing without being offended? And don't get mad or anything. Number one, do you ever give guys oral sex? Yeah, I do. Yes, and number two, do you like to swallow or not swallow? I like to swallow. I knew it. Wow.

I knew there was some hidden secret in there. That's fucking awesome, right? No, that's killer. And by the way, now it doesn't matter that you're a slow typer. It does not matter at all. Come to my therapy couch. How many people?

Dude, did you guys hear? I got Brianna up to four words per minute. Okay, Brian. Stick to the soundboard. We don't need your physical. When did you turn into a human noisemaker? I only do the gag noise. Okay.

He's so good at it, too. Brianna, so that's... What's funny is the girl, Janae, right, Janae? She looked like she liked it, and she looked like she didn't like it, and it's really the opposite. That's what's weird, yeah? Yeah, we were sort of talking about that

before the show about something else. We were talking about how, you know, it's the ones that you don't think. What's the craziest thing that you do in bed? Sorry, that was my alarm when we were going too far. It's not that I do anything crazy. It's not that I do anything crazy. I like guys to be really dominant and aggressive.

Oh, yeah, like slave play? Wait, Pauly. Pauly just punched her. Pauly looks like he's about to run a surfboard from her. Joelberg in the motherfucking house. I feel like that's common though. I think girls like that. What do you mean? Dominant?

Choked. She likes to be choked. Of course. What else? Choked, what likes to be choked. She likes to be choked. Of course. So fucking. What else? Choked, what else? Any other special requests? Kind of like, I mean, this sounds really bad, but kind of when they're like rapey almost. Yeah, see, I think this is the material you should do. That's the victim.

It's okay if it's consensual. I think that's the material she should do. I agree to it, but if I say no, then. That's all that matters. You guys, she is on camera right now admitting that you could really just rape her. I can literally feel the testosterone

from the 35 male comedians over here. And by 35 male comedians, I'm just talking about Brian Redband. Literally just bonered up right now. Like, well, if she likes rape, then does that mean that I can fulfill her fantasy? Doesn't she look like one of those girls

that takes off her glasses, though, and now she's like this supermodel? Yeah, what happens when you... Is that weird? Would you mind taking off your glasses for a second? She turns white. She trips off the stage. I think she's great.

She's hot. I think that's the angle of your material too by the way Damn she's all that Just like the fact that people You look like you don't like to do crazy shit But you do It's a black version of she's all that She's all dead How about we ask her about her writing process

I was just about to ask I was literally about to ask Have you read any good books in your time at Barnes & Noble lately? Read any good books? I thought we all jerk each other off, you idiots. Let's do it. There's this book by Bruce Campbell

called If Chins Could Kill, which is really good. I know that book. The last thing I read. Why is it good? I just really like Bruce Campbell. I don't know. Me too. There you go. Thank you. There's a little book recommendation for you book fans. Shout out to Bruce Campbell. Evil Dead 2.

One of the best movies ever. Yeah, my favorite movie. Do you like dark... Do you like dark... Do you like dark poetry? No. I have a poem. Oh, one day I was walking Dragging my feet

As per usual And then I saw I'm done that's it Wow Good lord Thought it was good I think she can work the cover booth Here at the store in the OR

What do you think? Pauly every time you do that You break people's hearts Because you tease them And then you don't And then they're like It's not that good of a job They go up to the managers And they're like Pauly, every time you do that, you break people's hearts because you tease them. And then they're like, Pauly. It's not that good of a job. They go up to the managers and they're like, Pauly said that.

And then you're never around after that. I don't know. All these people, they end up coming up to me like, hey, remember when Pauly said that maybe I could work at the comedy store? And then I'm always like, I don't know what to tell you, man. No, I'm kidding. I think she'd be great in the cover. I think she's great. All right. There you go. Thanks, man. No, I'm kidding. I think she'd be great in the cover booth. I think she's great. All right, there you go.

Thanks, guys. Brianna Upton. I think at the beginning, it was like this, but then once we started hearing what she was really about, I think she became more herself and felt more likable to me. Brianna, do you hang out with people a lot? Are you sociable? Yeah, I'm social.

I would prefer to be social in my house, like hang out with people a lot are you sociable yeah I'm social I just I would prefer to be social in my house like hang out with people that's the opposite of social not in that way do you hang out with people in your house like my family do you what's your definition of social I'm kind of confused

out of your house like do I go out you just answered another one you said you like to have people over, and then you said you don't have people over. No, I thought you meant my family. Do I like to hang out with my family? Any of it. Maybe you just need some space, alright? Alright. Does your family live in LA?

No, I live in Seal Beach. Where? In Seal Beach. Oh. Art? Art? Art. The homeland of Matt Edgar. The great Matt Edgar. Brianna. All right. Well, I mean, when I say social, I mean any interaction with other human beings.

What's that like for you? Yeah, I like to. Like, how? Where? Oh, my gosh. I don't consent to that. I like to hang out with other comedians. I like to, like, ride my bike a lot at the beach. Where do you hang out with other comedians. I like to ride my bike a lot at the beach.

Where do you hang out with other comedians? By the way, riding your bike, again, perhaps the least social thing a human being can do. I ride bikes with my friends. No, she has a tandem bike. I don't know. I open my bike a lot in Long Beach, so I hang out in Long Beach a lot.

I think we're slowly finding out that she's 11 years old. I mean, because you sort of seem a little bit, a lot of it introverted, and it doesn't seem like I mean, I could be, I'm introverted, but I like to hang out too, just with like people I really enjoy.

It's like a volcano. Last time you hung out with somebody, where was that, when was that? Yesterday. What was that like? We went to the beach. Who's we? Me and my friend that I know. The Rock? All right. Sorry. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Why? I don't know. You guys are making

me feel really boring. I just like to You are. No, no. You are really boring. That's exactly. She swallows. She's not that boring. I'm just trying to find out what's not boring exactly. So what did you and your friend do? We went to the beach and we ate In-N-Out and Todd. I feel really attacked right now. What did you guys eat at the beach?

We had In-N-Out. That sucks. At the beach? Yeah, it was on PCH. We went to the beach, hung out. That was yesterday. God, it feels so weird.

Was it a guy or a girl that you were hanging out with? It was a guy. Oh, so he was trying to fuck. Did you hook up with him?

Yeah, in and out, in and out. Did you hook up with him? No, I didn't. You didn't even make out with him? No.

You prude. Why'd you dick to him all day That matters so much to me. How about you ask for better comedy influences, huh? There she goes, Brianna Upton.

She's on Twitter at Kawayan Hawaiian. Kawayan Hawaiian. Brianna Upton. Ask Eric for the front job at the cover booth in the front. There you go, Brianna. Pretty sure the owner of the comedy store just told you to ask about a job at a cover booth. In the front. There you go, Brianna. Pretty sure the owner of the comedy store just told you to ask about a job at the cover booth.

How about that, ladies and gentlemen? Dreams coming true. Surprised you didn't offer that position to Chunk Blumsky. He can work with maintenance and want Carlos in the afternoon. That'd be good. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Johnny C.

Put your hands together for Johnny C, everybody. What's going on? So, I look like the fourth guy in a heist movie. Right? Like I'm the getaway driver. I'm the reason the plan goes wrong. I only got one line. It's the night before the big job. Sitting in a bar with Ed Norton.

And I'm like, don't sweat it boss. I got it. But I don't got it. I'd love to be in a heist movie. I feel like they'd fuck it up. Make me say stupid shit. Every tattoo represents a job I pulled. And I got

every one of those jobs on ZipRecruiter. Thanks a lot. Killed it. I loved everything he did. Absolutely murdered it. Best set I've ever seen. I especially love the ZipRecruiter joke. I don't know what Zip Recruiter is. Oh, you don't know?

Really? You have no idea? Are you looking for employees, Pauly? What is it? Is it like Uber or something? It's a place. I bet you don't know where it is, Pauly, because yes, like Joel just mentioned, you never find legitimate employees ever.

But with Zip Recruiter, you can post your job to 100 plus job sites and they come right to you. 80% of the employers who post a job on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site in one day. ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. One more time, try it for free. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. So it's a place to find jobs.

That's exciting. Okay, good. Yeah, Brianna, we don't need you. But let's get back to CripRecruiter over here. I thought this was another Chuck Blumsey character Why do I feel like you were a dog In a past life? I feel like I recognize you From like a No Limit Records album Remember those like bad photoshopped albums

Back in the day? I listen to all of them Don't want me, black guy I had those albums, you son of a bitch I've rapped some verses with Snoop listen to all of them. Don't want me, black guy. I had those albums, you son of a bitch. I've rapped some verses with Snoop. It's true. The ghetto symphony. After I roasted him. He looks like Lucky the Leprechaun

after he went to jail. You do have something. What nationality are you? I'm mixed. White and Mexican. White and Mexican. I would say something, but he's really close to me and I feel like he'll stab me if I say something. He won't stab you. He clearly pawned his knife before this.

Oh, okie dokie. He has a knife. Actually has a knife. Paul, you have been 100% right about everything you've predicted tonight. Do you know that? Can you stand right there, please? Yeah, absolutely. Paul's going to offer him a job as a doorman now.

He's the new Chewy. He said no. Let's talk about it, Johnny. You've been on the show a few times. How do you feel that time went compared to the other? How do you feel it went compared to the other times? Not as well as the other times. Really? Yeah. I thought you did worse the other times.

Is it just me? Maybe my memory is bad. Jeremiah, thoughts? Sometimes I cut myself just to feel something. So what is it that you think that you didn't do good this time? Why do you think that you didn't do good? My timing was off, but then I just didn't feel it. But you didn't really connect with the audience. You came and just started

going, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You gotta say hi to them or connect or improv something and then get in your shit. You've been on the show a few times. I can't quite remember what we've learned about you. Can you give us a quick little 10-second bio? The weirdest shit that we've probably made fun of? I do shady shit for a rich guy. I don't believe it.

My mom was 15 when she got pregnant with me. I don't believe it. Ooh, your mom was 15 when she got pregnant with you. Wow. I'm Mexican. Oh, shit. Wait, was she the best? The 30? Yeah, for sure.

He's the youngest. Huh. All right. Well, what's happened in real life since the last time you were on the show? I went to Peru, and then I got super sick there. I got yellow fever while I was there. That was pretty terrible. How long have you been back for? I'm fine. Everything's fine.

How long have you been back for? A couple months. Peru-vid. What happens in the... Wow. What did you get? I got yellow fever. Yeah, but what is it? Is it like an Asian disease? Yellow fever, you get bit by a mosquito. It's a what? You get bit by a mosquito is how you get it. It's your drug dealer's name?

Yeah. And then. And then you start shrinking? Exactly. Most people feel you get like a super bad fever and then it breaks and you're fine. Like there's a small percentage of people, the fever comes back and that's when you turn yellow and that's why it's called yellow fever. Did you get that? No, I was fine.

Like the fever broke after like 12 days. But those 12, I was in a bad way. Why were you going to Peru? 12 days a slave. To go do ayahuasca and go crazy and explore Peru. You can do it here in fucking San Diego. Eh, sure. You can drink at home too.

It's funner at a bar. Did you do ayahuasca? Sure. Before the yellow fever? Yeah. You think you got bit while you were tripping on ayahuasca? No, it was later. It was like a week after that because we were trekking around. Also, good luck to whoever uses the microphone next. It's gone. You only get it and then it's gone. Yeah, sure it is.

How many times did you do ayahuasca? I've done it eight times. Jesus Christ. I don't believe that. It's insane, dude. Did you have any specific visions or anything this last time that you remember? So there's like an entity. It's a giant hat. Dude, and she's the hottest chick on earth.

And then she told me, you know, we got to hang out. Wait, what? You hooked up with a chick in your fantasy? No, she's like, it's her. She's like the spirit of ayahuasca. They call her Pachamama. And she's fucking, and she's beautiful. And you hang out with her and get questions.

How beautiful is she? Dude, well, she's the hottest chick ever. Stop saying, every time you say dude, I believe you less, by the way. Dude, he was all just fucked up. It was Janae trying to blow him. You want to do some ayahuasca? I'll suck your day.

I'm tripping my balls off right now. Did you see her in the first? You hooked up with your No, I didn't hook up with her. She's like the spirit of ayahuasca. I can only see her in ceremony. So he goes all the way to Peru to trip, to have sex with a girl that doesn't exist.

Pretty much. Is that true? You don't have sex. Did you get a boner in real life? Do you have like wet dreams or something? No. Do you touch yourself? No, there's no sex, no jacking off the whole time you're there.

Like it's very, you know. But do you get a boner thinking about that lady? Her, yeah, for sure. Now, yeah. What does she look like? A hat. I already said it. Just like the hat he's wearing, but with tentacles.

When I would try to look directly at her, like, it turned into, like, infinity where you couldn't, like, see her. It's crazy shit. I'm gonna bleed out tonight alright you've been on this show a few times you're a wacky guy

there he goes what is it again? Johnny C I'm on the look for someone new I want new blood up here now you goddamn people I'm on the look for someone new. I want new blood up here now. You goddamn people. People are searching, bro.

People are just searching. I know. I'm ayahuasca. Have you done that, Tony? I've seen all these people. Have you done that? No. I heard it's insane.

I can't imagine. You guys have done it? The black guy that you were saying. No, no. No, fucking. You did it? You like it? Yeah. It's fucking. You did it? You like it? Yeah, it's good.

He did it. That guy. He talks to the voices. WikiLeaks over there. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Mitch Burrow. Hey, Tony. People are hilarious.

I've never met a guy that did ayahuasca, but I have met a black guy who likes waka-flocka. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Joe Carl Abushasaker. This takes so long. Walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking. This takes so long. Walkin', walkin', walkin', walkin', walkin', walkin', walkin', walkin', walkin'. Christopher Walkin'. Christopher Walkin'.

We need a little hallway or something. Joe Carl Abushakir. There you go. You got it. Yeah, that's my name. I'm an Arab dude. I'm an Arab. I'm from the south, too.

I'm from the south, from rural'm from the south from rural Tennessee. Any Southerners in here? No? Yeah, from the south. And I'm 30. That means I was a freshman in a new high school in the rural south in September of 2001. Yeah, which is of course when Arabs stopped being white. Did you? We used to be white people, you remember that? But yeah, exactly, we used to be like an off-brand Italian, definitely white, all right? I don't get it, I don't get like the hate that's going on right now, right? From the alt-right, whatever, like, like, look, listen, I've been to Texas, and I've been to Texas and I've been to Saudi Arabia it's the same place alright bunch of sand

it's fine most of the people are pretty cool albeit a little heavy handed on the God issue and they both have a few rich religious oil tycoons degrading women

hating gays and wearing silly hats it's the same place woo Joe Carl Abusakir I think it's a Coons. Degrading women, hating gays, and wearing silly hats. It's the same place. Woo! Joe Carl Abusakir. I think it's a pretty cool angle. He's got a good angle.

Oh, thanks. What, his nose? It's definitely smarter than it is funny because it's not funny at all. But it is smart. And you have that experience, you know, being in both of those places. I would try to break it down a little more.

You were what branch of the something were you in? Nothing. Branch? Oh, yeah, that's right. You were just there the whole time. Say 9-11. Don't say 2001 or some shit. Yeah.

Yeah. That's the one point. Hit it on the head. How long have you been on stand-up? Yeah, go back to your own country. A lot longer than that sounds like. I've been doing it seven years. Seven.

Yeah, that was bad though. Years. Seven. Yeah. How long have you been in LA? Seven years. Yeah, I started out here. What do you do when you're not doing this?

Work in production. Doing advertising. Do you have a job here at the comic? No, what type of stuff? Stand in for Jason Statham. You can work with Brenton on social media. No. Joe Carl.

How do you say the last name? Abu Soccer, like the monkey in the sport. Whoa, wow. What? So, what are you into, Joe Carl, other than stand-up comedy? Monkeys and sports.

Yeah, you know. Like what? Monkey sports? I work in advertising. I started doing a lot more stand-up now. Even though that set didn't show it, it's starting to go a little better now. Where have you been performing? What have you been doing?

I've been doing a lot of festivals and then getting out on the road as much as I can. Like the Burbank Flappers Festival? Yeah, the Burbank. I'm about to go to Boise in a couple weeks and then do a little trip. You know what they say about Boise? If you can make it there. Yeah, anywhere. That's it.

That's just how it goes. One time I looked in the mirror and there was no reflection. It happens. Are you in a relationship or anything? Yeah, I'm married. I'm married. I have a stepdaughter. You're married with a stepdaughter?

Yeah. How old's the stepdaughter? She's 11 now. She's going to middle school. Married with half children? Middle school. Couple more years, dude, right? Okay, all right.

How long have you been married for? Since 9-11. Say that again? Six years. Six years. How long did you date before marrying her? About three years, I guess. Three years.

So that's six plus three, that's nine. So she had a two-year-old when you met her. Yeah, yeah, she was two. And what are you, like a hero or something like that? What are you, some good Samaritan? Is she a white chick? Yeah, she's nine, so she had a two-year-old when you met her. Yeah, she was two. And what are you, like a hero or something like that? What are you, some good Samaritan? Is she a white chick? Yeah, she's white. Good for you, buddy. Thanks. It happens. Got a white chick in everything?

Is her family bothered by the fact that you're an Arab? No. No, they're pretty cool, yeah, even though they're from Kentucky. Yeah, that's what they tell you. Yeah, it's true. Does your stepdaughter fucking hate you? No, we're pretty cool. Get out of your town, man.

What's one of the cool... I know what you do. What do you guys do to bond, you and the 11-year-old? You know what? I've been there the whole time. I've been there the whole time. It's basically just having a kid. Where's the real dad?

He's back in Tennessee. And does he like you? We don't connect that much, you know? Oh, bro, not cool. He just needs some space, all right? Does the girl ever go to visit her dad? Yeah, every once in a while, yeah. Does it make you upset?

No, not at all. Then he can bang the mom all over the house. Yeah, is that true? Do you guys have more sex when the Then he could bang the mom all over the house. Is that true? Do you guys have more sex when the baby's away? We have sex all the time. Really? Right in front of the daughter? You freak.

You freaky fuck. I love this guy. Where's the weirdest place you've had sex? Oh, man. Bathrooms aren't weird. Everyone always says bathrooms. Bathrooms aren't weird. Tower 7.

Does everything have to be sex with this show? This is a sex-centric show tonight. It's pretty crazy. Yeah, it's because the people on it are super boring and I'm dying for anything. I'm dying right now. Whoa! The curtain's been lifted! I'm glad you have sponsors now.

The last time I was on this show Your sponsor was the McDonald's Quarter pounder with cheese I believe Thanks Joe Carl Clearly some of us have grown since the last time You were on the show What's something fun that you do for like a hobby To get away from the wife and stepkid?

Punch trees. Throw gay people off of buildings? You know, stand-up in L.A. is all-consuming. No, it's not. I've started to play hockey. I'm about to join a hockey league. Oh, he said interesting. Is it true that you play step forward?

Yeah. Alright, I forgot. I thought it was because he's a stepdad. I didn't think it was going to work. Jeremiah Watkins. You ever wish you were a shadow? Yeah, right now. Yeah. Alright, Joe Carl. You've been on the show a bunch of times as well. It's been years. Anything else

for Joe Carl? He's got his sweet face. Oh, thank you. There you go. All right, thanks a lot. The second member of the blue team just joined the front row. All right, this is almost positive. This is a new name.

I really hope this person's still here. Put your hands together for Alex Syme. Come on. Please. Here he comes. It's a human being. Alex Syme, ladies and gentlemen. What's going on?

My sister, she just got out of grad school. She went and she got her master's in education, and now she teaches special ed. So maybe she's the retarded one. Seven years of school, could have been a doctor, could have been a lawyer. She wanted to teach retarded kids, you know, which is good for her. But I just like to remind her that, you know, it's like if you did go to medical school and you got done and we're like, I think I'm just going to try to be a nurse. And retarded, you can't say that word. You know, you can't say that word.

She gets so mad at me. She's like, it's derogatory. It's offensive. I'm like, I know. I just don't care. But I i know i try to clean it up so uh so now whenever i talk to her i'm like how are little dummies doing is that any better and she's like no it's not any better but it's not worse you know so fuck her um that's my time thank you exactly one minute Alex Syme There you go

Oh yeah I like this guy He's anti-establishment Still says retard It's cool Hi Alex Minneapolis Minneapolis

Yeah It was just there last week. Nice. Is that where you live now or you live here? No, moved out here. How long have you lived here? Coming up on three years. What do you do for work?

I was working at a golf course, but I was caddying. I know. And I tore my meniscus in my knee. Caddying? No, it was running. So I haven't been caddying for the last two months. So right now I'm not doing anything, but soon I'll probably go back. Oh, my God.

I almost fell asleep during that story. I know. That's crazy. Holy shit. But you're married. You're married. I am. That's cool.

He's married. That's beautiful. Stepkids? No. No kids. No. What does your wife do? She He's married. That's beautiful. Step kids? No, no kids. What does your wife do? Listen to his boring ass stories? Yeah.

What does she do? She's a paralegal. Paralegal. One time I dated a dark void. What do you do for fun when you're not doing comedy? Make fun of retards. We live downtown. So bars, restaurants down there work out a lot.

Do you? I know. You're really not shaped like you work out. I work out a lot, too. We probably have the same trainer. That's not cool, bro. Yeah, no, I do. Does your wife support you mostly?

Financially? Yeah. Yeah. Let's go ahead. You can lie about that, right? Huh? Nothing. No.

How does that make you feel? No, I mean, not like just the last couple months. Yeah, because you're meniscus. Yes. Yes. Yes. Do you do any acting? No.

I feel like you'd get beat out for a lot of roles if you did. Probably. I don't know. Have you done that joke before and it's worked because you pretty much just destroy your audience talking about retards. Yeah, that's not cool, bro. Especially this audience. No, yeah. It's

worked. They're very PC. I don't know. I was nervous. I was like rushing. You're rushing? Oh my god. I don't know. I was nervous. I was like rushing. You're rushing? Oh my god. That's so stupid. Joel, a minute. Come back, Joel. Joel, that wasn't a good one. They shouldn't have left at that one.

Alex, what's the most interesting thing about you? He's rushing. Yeah, I'm rushing. He's not even rushing, Joel. He is Russian. Yeah, I'm Russian. He's not even Russian, Joel. He is now. I don't know. He said he was speeding through his set. That's what I meant.

What is your ethnicity? Some mix of a bunch of European, Slovanian. Sorry, I'll shut up now. What's the most interesting thing about you? Any special skills or talents or anything? No, I'm pretty good at golf. Did you just fucking say the most interesting thing about you is that you're good at golf? Yeah, man.

So what made you want to do stand-up comedy? I was always nervous to go on stage. When I was in college, they had one open mic night at the club in Minneapolis. It was always just it scared me to try to do it. I wanted to do it because I wanted to. You're not scared anymore? No, I felt pretty shitty about that. Usually I'm not that nervous.

I don't know why. You have a good look. You look like if Chunk Polsky got his life together. I think he'd be good in a Brazzers film. A Brazzers film? Don't you think? Like, he'd be good in a Brazzers film. Porn?

How quick do you type? I mean, you're a good-looking kid, but there's something missing. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's called a chromosome. It's called what? It's called what? It's called what? A chromosome

Did you meet your chick doing comedy? Your wife? No How old are you? 26 In dog years So how long have you been doing stand up? A little over a year.

Do you want to continue? Yeah. Damn it. All right, Alex. I'm just saying, it's just, you know. What do you think is the weirdest thing about you? Do you have any weird habits or anything like that? No, like some slight OCD stuff.

Like what? What do you do? Like my hands, washing my hands a lot, germs. How much do you wash your hands? You wash your hands a lot and you play golf. How much do you wash your hands? I mean, maybe like eight times a day. That's not that many.

No. Not enough. How many times do you pee per day? Probably like eight There you go I guess we're all completely OCD You smoke marijuana? Yeah sometimes

You should smoke a lot more Yeah dude there's something fucking about you I don't know man you're just so weird You should do ayahuasca too With that guy Go to Peru Are you usually Are you just nervous on stage right now Or are you normally this awkward You should do ayahuasca, too, with that guy. Go to Peru. Maybe for a while. Are you just nervous on stage right now, or are you normally this awkward?

What's your wife like? Is she a boring, boring paralegal lady? No. You sure she's not boring? What's the most interesting thing about her? She's a hooker. Not that. She's getting her undergrad and then trying to do her grad school.

I asked what's the most interesting thing about her. I don't know. She came here when she was nine. She grew up in Mexico. Yeah! She's in some dude's lap right now. I didn't. Yeah, my fucking loser boyfriend's out doing an open mic,

having other dudes tell him how to be a man. I didn't come until I was 12, honestly. He thinks I'm a paralegal. I said barely legal. All right. All right, Alex, we're going to keep moving on. There he goes. Alex Syme.

If you like the flavor of water, then you must love the comedy of Alex Syme, if you like the flavor of water, then you must love the comedy of Alex Syme. Do you ever tell people or give people advice not to stop doing stand-up on this show? Ever? I mean, this is one of those episodes where it's pretty much 100% of the people. I mean, it's pretty unbelievable. I imagine how terrible the couple people that didn't even have the balls to come up here after signing up for the show. They're like, oh, no, no, no, I can't do this. That's Tony.

So there's those people plus the people that we saw. I mean, and there's always like sort of a method here. Like Alex probably has the best what I guess we would sort of call like a kill Tony slugging percentage in which he's been doing it only a year. And he did sort of okay. Right? Was that Alex? Yes, the last guy was Alex. Whereas like a guy like, you know, maybe someone that was doing it seven years earlier in the show.

Name names, Tony. Did the same amount of okay. And so that would be in our sort of thing be a lower ratio. Then you have a guy like Chunk Blumsky who came in, wrecked house, and just left afterwards.

That's got to be tough. Bombing on this show is one thing. Taking a chance on a character and bombing with the character. I hate characters so much. I can't even imagine

what that must feel like. Because we clearly hate characters. And they're always like, what do you mean? What do you mean? It doesn't affect me because I'm a character. Stop doing characters. Okay, Tony, on a for real tip.

On a for real tip. So that last dude, he had one of the best sets of the night. And I wasn't even listening. I didn't hear a single word of it. I think I hate comedy. Yeah, no, no. I'm starting to feel you. They're really hard to listen to tonight.

We're going to wait for our regular. We're going to go back to the bucket again. Because I'm 100% convinced that we're going to find somebody here. This is like when you buy a few scratch-off lottery tickets, and they're all losers. And you're like, well, maybe the next one has to be a winner. Because they wouldn't have five, six, seven losing scratch-off lottery tickets in a row. Are you guys ready to find some goddamn greatness in this bucket with me or what?

We're on an adventure. Here we go. Put your hands together for Joe Welke. He got a big pop on the name. Let's see what happens here. W-E-L-K-I-E. One more time. Put your hands together for Joe Welke, everybody. Oh, geez. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Oh, geez louise. Glad to be here.

I went through a breakup recently. Not fun. Don't recommend that. It's not because I get lonely or anything or here. I went through a breakup recently. Not fun. Don't recommend that. It's not because I get lonely or anything or I miss the girl. It's just whenever I go through a breakup, one of my guy friends has a stupid question. Anytime I've been through a breakup, one of my guy friends,

should you have breakup sex? No! Where did this myth of breakup sex come from? Like, the last person I'm trying to fuck is a crying woman who hates me, you know? Like, the last breakup I went through, the girl threw a lamp at me. Like, I'm going to dodge that. I'll be like, well, how about one for the road, though?

Like, fucking... You know how unrealistic breakup sex is? I've never even seen a porn about it. I've seen porns about dads swapping daughters. about it. I've seen porns about dads swapping daughters. Pointing at you and she's looking at breakup sex like, yeah, fuck that.

There's no way that's going on. Here's a clown fucking a midget though. All right, guys, enjoy the rest of the... Joe Welke, there you go. This is your... This is your first time on the show, right?

Yes, it is. Well, welcome, welcome. That was very awesome. How long have you been on stand-up? About nine years. Awesome. Joe, I know you from New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, cool. Joe's a New York guy. There you go. Yes, sir. I'm originally from Baltimore. Lived in New York the last five years. Moved out here a couple months ago. Awesome. I lived in a coffin for three years. Yeah, Joe, you do seem like you could be a band member. Dude, I know. Actually,

that sweatshirt he's wearing, I went to their record release party in Baltimore. They're from Baltimore. Wow. All time low, man. You guys are friends now. That's sweet. See? You don't like comedy, but you like him. You guys could be new buds. You almost lost me at the beginning of your set. Yeah. Because that, you know, makeup sex is totally, or breakup sex. I've never had it. Really?

Dude, never. I love how high your voice gets when you defend something. Sometimes you go full AJ rank on us. But can I just ask a question real quick? By round of applause, has anyone ever heard of breakup sex before? Or makeup sex? Because I'm fucking stupid, I guess.

I've heard of makeup sex. Breakup sex usually... One final fuck, yeah, dude. Yeah, it's like when you're collecting the shit from her apartment like a week later and you just throw her on the ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when they like...

Sometimes she's sleeping. It's like Survivor. You like put the candle out at the end and stuff. Janae has stake-up sex. Oh my god. That's a callback from an hour ago. Wow. So Joe,

you've been doing stand-up for nine years. How do you make a living? I do like social media for a couple websites websites and write articles about superheroes and shit. What kind of superheroes? Basically anyone. I wrote one recently. It's superheroes you would definitely not want to hook up with. Like who?

Like Rogue. If Rogue touches you, it fucking sucks the life out of you. Jesus Christ. But she's hot as fuck, dude. That sounds like an amazing blowjob. Yeah, I know. What are you talking about? Sucks the life out of you.

Honks suck. Is this a one-track show? What is this? What are the other ones you don't want to hook up with? I'm interested in knowing what superheroes I shouldn't fuck. You shouldn't fuck Deadpool either because he smells like shit because of all the... And I'm also not gay. Fucking asshole.

Then you really shouldn't fuck Deadpool, man. Have you been to Comic-Cons before? No, no, no. He said it was like he disrespected him, bro. He writes comic books, but you don't go to Comic-Cons? Yeah, it's too much for me. That's too nerdy.

Joe looks like he's an actual young Frankenstein's monster. Like teenage Frankenstein. Is that true? Did you really just go through a breakup, Joe? Yeah, when I moved out here. Yeah? Yeah. Did you break up with her? Yeah, she's still in New York.

Was that tough? It was a little tough, yeah. Listen, man, you're better off without her. You've got the whole world in front of you now! Life's going to change for the better. Just cut just a little bit just a little bit this show makes no sense whatsoever but I love it

hey do you like having your dick sucked? is there anything different than breakup sex that's different than normal sex? Hey, do you like having your dick sucked? Is there anything different than breakup sex that's different than normal sex? Is there anything that takes place at the end? Emo Jeremiah, why does the talk about sex upset you so much? Suck my dick, you idiot! You just did exactly what you've been complaining about. Because that's the tone of this entire show.

Man, you really put the hip in hypocrite. You know that? Alright. Joe, what else is interesting about you? Do you have any other weird hobbies or anything like that? You seem like you, when you lived in New York, you seemed like the kind of guy that would sneak out of his apartment in the middle of the night and do something.

And then come back. You ever wear one of those gimp outfits and have the red ball in your mouth and shit like that? Mayweather. I don't even realize how much I talk about sex. I'm really learning. Tony's horny right now.

That's what it is. All this superhero hookup talk has me. Like a rattlesnake. And a horse. And a human mouth. It's not a real noise. You're not good at making noises. Whatever you think those sound like.

They all sound like deep throating. After a drink and a half, Brian thinks he's like a sound guru. I've never thought that ever in my life, just for the record. He's like, Michael Winslow, please academy. Stop it. Oh, my God. You're unbelievable. Oh, shit.

Oh, Dollar Shave Club. That's the best. Me undies. You never really answer my question. I didn't get a chance to. Go ahead. Most interesting, I, well, I have a PowerPoint of every woman I've had sex with. Yes. Yes.

Wow. This is what I'm talking about. I fucking love it. You're a nerd and a creep. Really cool. When you say you have a PowerPoint of them, what exactly do you mean? Yeah, explain that.

I boot up my Windows 95 and I... Man, suck my dick, you idiot! You emos are out of control over there. Can I tell you that? Pauly is way too interested in messages. It's staring a hole at me. Explain it. Did you just say we're too interested

in this? I said Pauly is. No, he's the right amount. You said you have a powerpoint of every girl. What the fuck does that mean? This is her face. This is her body. This is her afterwards. Open her up and see all the people. This is her now.

We didn't have breakup sex. So does that mean you have a board with girls' names on it and you're like, I did her da-da-da-da-da? That's a vision board. Yeah, that's that. With the girls that he aspires to fuck in the future. Well, I want him to explain it. I don't fucking know what it is.

Explain it. Yeah. Explain it. You don't know what it is? Explain it. What's a PowerPoint? That's the thing with the corkboard and the tacks, right? It's a slideshow? No. Oh, a slideshow? Yeah, it's a slideshow.

Oh, that's awesome. You jerk off to your former conquests. Yeah, sometimes you gotta like... But that's not a fucking PowerPoint. You just got fucking pictures of girls you fucked and you put them in a thing. That's not a PowerPoint. It's a white PowerPoint.

That's not a PowerPoint. Is the a white PowerPoint. That's not a PowerPoint. Is the name of your PowerPoint My Chemical Romances? All right. I thought it was like some weird fucking thing. I don't know. You do not get the fucking thing wrong with Pauly Shore, you piece of shit. It's not a PowerPoint. It's just pictures of babes you had sex with, right?

You're banned from this fucking comedy store, dude. Let me ask you this. Joe, were they always aware that these pictures were being taken? No, it's not like I took pictures of them. Yeah, you did. Don't lie to me. So wait, what do you mean? Your PowerPoint is what?

Facebook? Yeah, like pictures of Facebook. Their name and interesting facts. Oh, so you pull up stats and shit too. Yeah, yeah. I have a PowerPoint of all the newspaper clippings from when they went missing. No, I get what you're saying, dude.

You'll have what you did with her, if you wore rubber, if you didn't wear rubber. So let me ask you this question. The girl that you guys just broke up with out in New York, what's her name? I'm not going to fucking do that. Oh, you're going to say that you have a fucking PowerPoint of other girls? That's worse.

She's going to hear this, dude. Trust me. Girls listen to this shit. Her name's Vito. Her name's Vito. Does your girlfriend that you just broke up with know you have a PowerPoint of other girls? Yes. No, she doesn't.

Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Is she mad about that? She got over it. Does she ever delete any slides? I don't think so. No, she doesn't. Really? Yeah. Really? Was she mad about that? She got over it. Did she ever delete any slides? I don't think so.

No, no. All right. Well, at least you answered the question honestly. Having a PowerPoint of other women that you know. Did you present her the old ones? How many different women are on there? Sorry, Tony. Go ahead.

Quite a bit. Thanks, Mitchell. Okay. How many different women are on there? A bit. Quite a bit. Okay. How many different women are on there? A bit. Come on. You know the number. I know exactly the number because I have the slides.

Stop being a pussy. Come on. What the fuck? It's like you want to be boring. Come on, Joe. I think it's... It's a live show. It's at 84 now, I think. Wow.

That's the music that you have for that? This guy's had sex with 84 women? Jeremiah, come back. A slow piano? Come back, Jeremiah. Come on, man. It's cool, man. 84, look. That's okay. I'm sitting next to Pauly Shore.

Pauly Shore is on 84 this week. I know, I know, I know. Pauly, how many are in your PowerPoint? Not as many as him. Pauly, how many are in your PowerPoint? Be honest. I don't know. If you had to guess.

I can't. My girlfriend's listening to this. Oh. No, I don't know. I don't know. That's why you need the PowerPoint, man. If you want to do the math, I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it.

I was on MTV back when MTV was MTV. Yeah, the math spells AIDS. Whatever. AIDS ain't shit anymore. Suck my dick, you idiots. I can't get AIDS. Suck my dick, you idiots. I can't get AIDS. I am AIDS. I'm the courier of AIDS.

I give it to people. I don't get it. You were the original. Paulie was the original outbreak monkey on MTV. I got a question, Tony. Have any of your exes seen these videos? One of them did. You presented her the PowerPoint.

What was that, number 80? No, that was like the 50s. Maybe. Do you retire any of their jerseys? Oh, this is a good question. Do you put any of the ugly ones in there? Everything's in there. Everything in there? Really?

Do you know by number what the ugliest chick you ever fucked was? Can I guess? Sure. 65. No, it was probably like 7. Do you have an updated Flash player? 7 years old? That's awesome.

What did you say, Jeremiah? I said, does he have an updated Flash player? Because you can't run PowerPoint without Flash! That's not true, Jeremiah. You want to go, you bitch? I will go. Wow.

Man. The guitar is hilarious. All right, Joe. We're going to let you off the hook. Cool. There he goes. Joe Welke. Back to masturbating to his PowerPoint.

It's okay. We have a regular on the show. She performs a brand new minute every single week. We're going to go back to the bucket. We're going back to the bucket after her, so don't leave, you fucking buffoons. Put your hands together for her. She's the great Allie McCoskey. I'm trying to make it on that

PowerPoint. Wow. I'll happily be number 85. I fucked a white supremacist in high school, but I didn't know he was a white supremacist because I didn't know that they start like training that young. I mean, he did have like a bunch of tiki torches in his room. I just thought he loved luau's and calling me Jew girl. My friend, it was at a house party. So my friend after goes, Hey, Wes, did you know Ali's Jewish?

My friend, it was at a house party, so my friend after goes, Hey, Wes, did you know Ali's Jewish? And the look on his face was priceless. He was so shocked. I imagine that that's probably what it would have felt like if I actually had a bat mitzvah. I've never had a bat mitzvah. My dad said he didn't want to have one for me

because it would be too expensive, and I was like, Oh, we really are Jewish. Yep. Thank you you that's funny 52 seconds Ali Makovsky so you dated a white supremacist no I just had sex with him yeah no it was awful

really yeah I mean it was high school and he was like I was I had just broken up with my boyfriend, and so I was like... He was trying to shove your head in an oven? Yeah, no, no. So hooking up with him was just okay? It was just okay, but I had... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One could almost say he's your American history ex. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you had sex with Tony before? No, I haven't. Because he's a white supremacist, too. Oh. That's not true. You walk around like a fucking German dude a little bit.

Don't you stroke. You look fucking... I did want to audition for Inglourious Bastards, and I didn't get to. But, all right. Are you really Jewish? Yeah, half. Oh, half.

Which part? The lower half. The one that pays for the haircuts. She used Dollar Shave Club for her head. It's an awesome life hack and a no-brainer choice. No, give me that. Get out of here. With the Dr. Carver's shave butter, though.

Are we supposed to tell her how great she is? Because she comes out here with the first... Every single week? I want to hear your side. Was she great, you guys? You're great. I have a theory, Pauly, and she does this every single week.

She stands out. She has a very rock star cadence about her and everything like that. I'm convinced that she's going to be one of the top comedians ever. You should take 10% of her stuff right now because you developed this shit. Man. Is it 10% off

Dollar Shave Club too? It's true. It's actually 20% off Dollar Shave Club. But that's only a one time exclusive offer. DollarShaveClub.com. Are you selling mattresses on this show too? Not yet. Two weeks ago? Three weeks ago? Yeah, Casper Mattresses. We fucking love it.

As you can tell by how well-rested I am right now. Casper Mattresses. Allie's actually living on one now. Is nobody going to address that this show is selling out? Anything else happen? It's been two weeks.

You had a rare, rare, rare week off because I was in New York. You can tell I really used it to practice this minute. She killed it at the Death Squad show Monday. Oh, yeah, that was so fun. How long was your set? I think I did five. That's cool. So let me ask you something.

All stuff that you've done on the show before? I think some of it was not from the show. Cool. Polly, what were you going to ask? So you've been doing the show for how long?

Because I was here, what, five, six months ago? Yep. And she was on it too. So how many weeks do you do this over and over? Well, it's been... How many weeks in a row?

There was like some mishaps because I was too young to be here. So I started when I was 20. Yeah, but just say what? A year you've been doing this? Yeah, I would say about a year. Okay, so if you're a minute every time. So a minute plus... You probably have like an hour or two.

Yeah, but it's not good. Really? I mean, did you just see this? It was pretty good. It's fine. Yeah. Just go really fast this one. Like your speed was like rushing through. You rushed through your first joke. It's fine. Yeah. Just go really fast this one. Like your speed was like rushing through.

You rushed through your first joke. Yeah, sure. The Jew girl, when you land on that punchline, you rushed through that. I did, yeah. I think it'll work. Also, you have really tiny ears. Oh, do I? Yeah.

Aw, you do. I never really noticed that before. They're very durable. Little tiny ears. Eyebrows make up for it. You are very like elfish. Elfish? Yeah, you're elfish. Little tiny ears. Eyebrows make up for it. You are very, like, elfish. Elfish? Yeah, you're elfish.

It's cute. You'd be like a cute elf. Lord of the Rings. I thought you said Elvis. I was like, no, she's not. Have you auditioned for Adam before? I've done just, like, the potluck there, but I don't think I've actually auditioned.

Have you gone on the road before with any comedians? One time, Russell Peters was the guest and he let me open for him as well as Big Jay. Like tour out in America? No, I just did the Ontario Improv with him. How was that?

It was a really interesting experience. Have you ever been on tour with a guy that was in the movie Biodome? I don't get the reference, but... Oh! She's 21, Pauly. Yeah, I'm 21, bitch. What year were you born?

95. She was born in 95, Pauly. That doesn't matter. Those are hit films still. Yeah, seriously. Especially, that was like... Biodome, there was still a few years that was sizzling right after that. Encino Man is still a hit.

I'm still making money off that fucking movie. It's a great movie. How do you feel about Encino Man? I haven't seen it. You've never seen any of my movies. You should. Pauly, you should. I'm known all over the world. Yeah, I know. Pauly, do you make a lot of money on Biodome? No.

Like, what do you do? Do you just get to go up to red boxes and pick up one of those Coinstar receipts? All my stuff now is on all the digital platforms. I know. I'm just fucking with you. Craigslist? I'm just fucking with you too. Most of Pauly's stuff is available.

At least I start in fucking movies. Okay? That's hard is available. Hey, at least I start in fucking movies, okay? Yeah. So there you go. That's hard to do. Yeah. Tony, did you... Yes, we know, Pauly. Tony, did you know I met Pauly Shore in 1992 in Myrtle Beach?

I wasn't even born. Really? Yeah. He was there with MTV, and I met him at a bar, and it was just like... It was wild, right? So shy, yeah. Tell me how wild it was back then. It was fucking crazy.

Back then, Pauly was like... Pauly, you had a bunch... She had that one movie, Mrs. Tell them how wild it was back then. It was fucking crazy back then. Polly was like Bieber. Polly, you had a bunch. She had that one movie, Mrs. Right, but that was really it. The what? Mrs. Right, Ellen DeGeneres. Come on, guys. Nobody? Ellen DeGeneres did have one movie, right?

Mrs. Right. That's hilarious. Mrs. Right. I have the same haircut as her. Mrs. Right. Well, we think you're really funny, and I think... It's true. We love you, Ally McCoskey. I think you're awesome. and I think It's true, we love you, Ali Makovsky

There she goes, another brand new minute from Ali Makovsky Back to the bucket we go You guys ready to go to the bucket again? Everybody's really really This is probably what I would It's a fun show

Is this a good show? Oh, thank you fucking God I pulled a good name out of the bucket I really did We know this guy It's been probably months since he's been on He left a huge impression on us Every time he's been on

Put your hands together for Manuel Herrera Everyone every time he's been on. Put your hands together for Manuel Herrera, everyone. Thank you. I follow a dirty-ass little hoe on Twitter. And she tweeted, SMH, I woke up with a cucumber up my asshole and I replied cucumber up your ass are you trying to be a vegan that's how you do it and in another tweet she goes oh my god I like swallowing, but only if you're cute. And I replied, only if you're cute, they better keep babies and puppies away from you.

So yeah, in sixth grade, I grabbed a girl's ass, and I got suspended. My parents were fucking disappointed, because I ruined my perfect attendance that year. Thank you guys. I think that's it. Manuel Herrera. You jinxed it, bro. You jinxed it. Did you just

really read tweets and then the responses? No. You didn't? What did you do? No, I'm trying to incorporate those tweets into my act. Listen to me. Hold on. Can I say this to you?

Alright. He was on the first time I believe I was on the show. That was the first time he was on. Last time I was on, he was on. The advice that we gave him because what he killed with last time, it's very interesting, he killed with a tweet that he read from this crazy bitch. I remember this very specifically.

We were like, dude, do more of that because your jokes stink. That's what he's doing. He took the advice. But here's the thing, is I'm convinced that I'm still better at finding your best tweets than you. For example, I just found one. From the 18th of this month.

The 18th of August. That girl, that same girl that you troll regularly, who just seems to be a normal girl. She's from where? I don't know. Virginia? She's got 5,750 followers. Impressive.

5,750. Not that many, but you are obsessed with her. And she said, my girl said, I'm going to take you out. She said, and you quote tweeted this. She said, my girl said, I'm going to take you out to show you how N-words should treat you.

That's just sad. LOL. And you said, oh, you mean church on Sundays? You should baptize that pussy first. Then you'll be good. Yeah. See, that was a better one. Yeah.

Did you hear the laugh that that one got that I picked? Yeah. All right, here's something she said on July 31st. She said, I finally got some head, but now I know why it's been two years. Because guys don't know how to eat pussy. And you quote tweeted that and you said, it's because the guys you choose don't know

their ABCs and 123s. I do the Constitution in Morse code with my tongue. Some alien level shit. Yeah. You hear that? That's a fucking applaud. That's the biggest laugh of the night.

Yo, that's a Sam Kenison joke. FYI. Oh, really? Because he does the Constitution? Oh. But that's like a... He doesn't even know who Sam Kenison is. It doesn't matter. He doesn't know the Constitution. You don't know who Sam Kenison is. It doesn't matter. He doesn't know the Constitution.

You don't know Sam Kenison, right? All right, that same girl from Virginia said on the 31st of July, she said, haven't got my pussy ate in over two years. Shaking my head. He quote tweeted it and said, let me just read it one more time. She said,

haven't got my pussy ate in over two years. He said, that's a president ago. Get someone to ate it up already. She said on the 21st of July, I don't know why bitches love huge

dicks. Just give me a regular dick. I ain't trying to break this little pussy. To which he quote tweeted and said, with a comma after the first word, Ho. My dick is 6.75 inches. I even named it regular dick.

I'll leave you dicknotized. Is that like a play on hypnotize? Dicknotize? It doesn't even rhyme. But you went with it anyway. It worked in the tweet. It worked in real life. Does she ever respond to you?

Nah, she just retweets it or likes it. Have you ever tried to slide into her DMs? Nah, because Virginia's too far. Do you know how Twitter works? On July 13th, she said, so my mom was just vacuuming my room and something got stuck in the vacuum and when she pulled it out, it was a used condom.

Two monkey emoticons with their eyes covered. To which he said, good thing the dirt devil didn't suck out your dildo too. What is it about this one girl in particular? She's not famous. She's not going to help you get followers. You're fucking crazy. What are you doing this?

What is it about this one girl? How did you find her originally? I just... Stumbled upon her. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. And she just tweets me making this shit, and I reply to it. Hilarious.

Yeah. One time on June 20th, she said, he got me $140 worth of makeup. I never had a guy just buy me shit. To which you said, $140 worth of shit makeup? You'd think he'd know it was shit by the $5 mark. Now that's just mean. I think it's funny.

You do? All right. I'm going to read one more. June 14th. She said, I literally laid in bed for an hour like I don't got to be at work 30 minutes ago. You said, good thing you weren't sucking dick or else you would have been late over three hours. What is wrong with you?

No, it's because she sucked dick for three hours at one point. I do remember that. Are you doing these at other shows besides Kill Tony? Like you're reading these tweets and new responses? Yeah, but I don't really get laughs. I see them at mics all the time. I know. You're out a lot.

Why don't you get laughs? You're funny. On my birthday. I don't know. I guess I'm not sitting up right. I don't know. On my birthday, June 8th, she said, I was really about to go to Cali with him for a few weeks

until I found out he'd been lying to me. You said, I lied to you for your own good. You responded like you're the guy she's talking about. I lied to you for your own good, and I was just kidding about you coming to Cali. You run on Henny, and that shit's expensive. Was she really talking about you there? No.

Oh, okay. No. I used myself on that one. Very silly. Manuel, what else has been going on in life? I used myself on that one. Very silly. Manuel, what else has been going on in life? Well, lately I've been ejaculating into the toilet.

Yeah. Like to save tissues, you know? Jeremiah's out. To save tissues, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeremiah's out. Come back. Is that why?

To save tissues? Yeah, pretty much. Why did you just put it in your sink? I share rooms with my little brother and I can't really do that. You masturbate looking at a poop or something? No, I just close my eyes and I just go to work.

So you jerk off into the toilet? Let me ask you a question. I've jerked off into a toilet before. I'm a lefty, don't worry. Grossest fist bump ever. I don't even give, don't worry. Grossest fist bump ever, by the way. I don't even give a shit. One hand, because I gave you a fist bump,

so what, do you jerk off with your knuckles? Come on. No. So here's the deal. When you come into the toilet, you're not standing upright

because you don't have that type of aim. You have to kind of go down to a squat position almost over the toilet. Doggy style. Put your dick down into the toilet.

But into a toilet, so it's like froggy style. Like literally shoot like downward into the toilet. Yeah, yeah, a toilet, so it's like froggy style. Like literally shoot downward into the toilet. Yeah, like you're shoving something. Can I reveal something really embarrassing about myself? Yeah. Until I was maybe 14, I could only do it reverse cowgirl sitting on the toilet. That was it.

Really? Yeah. Where would you fit in? So facing the toilet. Facing the bowl. Like you were doing blow. Yeah, I would sit down. You couldn't fit in between that? So facing the toilet. Facing the bowl. Like you were doing blow. Yeah, I would sit down. You couldn't fit in between that?

I would sit backwards on the toilet. You were doing the Janet Jackson rhythm nation. Exactly, that's what I called it. Yeah, thank you. Moving on. Man. Any further questions? Where would you shoot your load at, Joel?

Into the water. Mouth. I'm going to shoot up a school. Jeremiah Watkins. There he goes, Manuel Herrera, ladies and gentlemen. Let's face it. Tonight, we didn't have some of the craziest people come out of this bucket. But one thing's for sure.

We made a guarantee at the top of this show, and here on Kill Tony we hold true to our word. Make some noise if you'd be interested in seeing a triple Mexican drum off. Every once in a while on this show, Joel Jimenez, Joel Berg himself, let somebody take the throne and challenge him. We're gonna do

Pauly Shore drum solo, and then a Luis J. Gomez drum solo. And then Joel Jimenez is going to come out and do his own solo. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Pauly Shore. All right. all right all right louis j gomez yourauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen. Make some fucking noise. It's the laziest fucking Monday crowd. You guys were no help tonight.

You know that? Oh! Louis J. Wow! Wow. And ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne, the one, the only, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez! Pauly wins! You know what it is? I shaved my pubes today, and I think... At Dollar Shave Club, don't you? You clearly did.

Yeah, no, here's the thing. I was like, what if they asked me to do this drum off, and I shaved my pubes, and I lost all my power, and that's what happened. All your power's in your pubes. But Dollar Shave Club, guys, check it out. What's the password? It's dollarshaveclub.com backslash kill.

Backslash kill. You guys got it. You want to have smooth pubes like me? Go there. He really does. He has a complete baby dick right now. Live audience, thank you so much. That was Kill Tony live in the main room.

Wow, look at that. Ryan J. Ebel. Fucking unbelievable. I have Kill Tony live in the main room. Wow. Look at that. Ryan J. Ebelt. Fucking unbelievable. I have the whole world in my hands. Pauly Shore and the great Louis J. Gomez, guys. We did it. Plug some stuff. All right.

All right, Pat. Pat. Pat. All right. pat pat all right for those of us that uh have careers that we like to plug tacoma denver austin sunnyvale and la jolla coming up for me what do you guys got going on jeremiah void void void void for comedy central void void void void Jeremiah? Void. Void. Void for Comedy Central. Void. Void. Void. Void.

All right. We don't even know what you're plugging exactly. Is there something we can do to help or something? Void, is it a show? Yeah, it's a Snapchat show that Pat made with Brian Moses. So find it on Snapchat. That's Void. Fuck yeah. Find it on Comedy Central Snapchat, I believe is what he was trying to say.

Nope. Yep, 100%. Jeremiah? Reach out to me on social media if you're not an idiot. At Jeremiah's stand-up across the board. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Hey, I'm humble in victory, I'm humble in defeat. Luis J. Gomez did a great job tonight.

Yeah, you know, I think it was a very McGregor, Mayweather situation. I think not a lot of us were expecting Louis J to leave an imprint, and he came right out swinging, aggressive, tired out pretty quickly after a few seconds. It did help that I looked like his gay younger brother. It's okay. Yes. I'm mostly sorry. Moving on. We have Louis. I'm mostly sorry. Moving on.

Thanks for coming. I love you guys. Patty Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, the great Pauly Shore is on Twitter. Is it Pauly M. Shore? It's Pauly Shore. Pauly Shore. P-A-U-L-Y. And go watch me on Snapchat, too.

I love Snapchat. Fuck yeah. Chris Dillon on the bass. Chris Dillon. Chris Dillon. Thank you, Chris Dillon. At Chroma Chris, our newest member. Chris Dillon on the bass.

Chris Dillon. Chris Dillon. Thank you, Chris Dillon. At Chroma Chris, our newest member. Catch Jeremiah and I on the rest of the Monster Energy Outbreak tour this Wednesday in San Fran, Friday in Portland at the Aladdin Theater. And next Tuesday, guys, you're all invited here to watch me and all these goofballs do stand-up comedy. I'm going to do a really long set that night because I'm contractually obligated to by my friends at the

Monster Energy Outbreak Tour. Brian? Next Wednesday we have a show here in the Belly Room Death Squad show with Tom Segura, Christina Pijitzky, and a bunch of people next Wednesday. I want a piece of that. Hey, don't forget Ryan J. Ebelt made the Kill Tony poster and he made that

print tonight. Make sure you check that out on the front patio after the show. All of his prints, he draws every fucking episode of this show. All of his prints, including the two Kill Tony posters, are all available at ryanjebelt.com. They're fucking awesome. He's an amazing artist. How about

one more hand for Ryan J. E. Belt? The newest paid regular at the Comedy Store, Josh Martin. We're gonna hang out with you guys. The newest paid regular at the Comedy Store, Josh Martin. We're going to hang out with you guys. We'll see you on the front patio after the show. High fives for everyone. See you guys. Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming out. We love you. Let's kill Tony. Look what you just made me do. Look what you just made me do. Look what you made me do. Look what you made me do. Look what you just made me do. Look what you just made me do. Look what you made me do. Look what you made me do.

Look what you just made me do. Look what you just made me do. Look what you made me do. Look what you made me do. Look what you just made me do. Look what you just made me do Look what you just made me do Look what you just made me do Thank you.