KILL TONY - KILL TONY #228

Episode Date: September 8, 2017

Mike Lawrence, Jason Gillearn, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 09/04/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv, for everything Kill Tony, including past episodes and also information about when Kill Tony's coming to you. That's right. We are going on the road. Click on tour dates at deathsquad.tv, and you'll see that Kill Tony is coming to the Boston Comedy Fest September 22nd. Wow, that's in like one week, two weeks, whatever. So go there and check that out. Death Squad's also going to Indiana,

Morty's Comedy Joint, November 8th. Then we'll be in Columbus, Ohio, November 9th. You can find out all this information, including every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store on our website, and including every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store on our website, DeathSquad.tv, and click on Tour Dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. He's on the road all the time. He's also got some merch. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist.

He draws every episode. He does the Kill Tony posters. You can check him out on his website, the house artist. He draws every episode. He does the Kill Tony posters. You can check him out on his website, ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including a Kill Tony

t-shirt. It's still in stock. It's almost sold out. Go to shopsquad.tv. Again, shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt. He also has some Death Squad shirts and some hats and some fidget spinners. Check it out. ShopSquad.TV.

All right. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rampant coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Henscliff. Hi, everybody. Welcome. Good evening. Welcome to another episode of Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. Look, everybody, it's Brian Red Band. What's up, guys? Brian J. E. Belt's right here drawing tonight's

episode already. We are streaming live on our regular stream and live in VR360. There's a camera right there, a camera right there, and there's other cameras around here. And you can literally just jump into the audience at the main room of the fucking world-famous comedy store right now. We're the only show that gives it to you.

The number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. I'm excited about life, people. The final show of the Monster Energy Outbreak tour is tomorrow here. Me, Joe Rogan, Brendan Schaub, Greg Fitzsimmons, Jeremiah Watkins. It's going to be a really fun show. And what the fuck was I doing?

Tacoma, Washington this weekend. I got Denver Comedy Works coming up on other things. Oh, yeah, the Boston Comedy Festival we're doing on Friday, September 22nd. The Kill Tony show. That's actual Kill Tony. The rest of that was stand-up. But September 22nd, Kill Tony's at the Boston Comedy Festival. Yes.

So we're really excited about that. It's always fun going into different cities. You get to meet different people. A lot of people try it for the first time. We find out in those cities, so it's always fun to meet different characters. I'm excited about tonight's show. Very typical, fun, already set-up show.

Shall we just jump right into it? You guys ready to do this shit? This is Kill Tony, live at the world-famous Comedy Store. Let's bring up the comedians first. Does that make sense? Two of my favorites. Tonight Show, Roast Battle, Brilliant Writers, Emmy nominated comedy writers, and

unbelievable stand-up comedians. You've seen them on this show before. Two of my favorite humans. Make some noise for the great Mike Lawrence and Jason Galern. Absolute jokesmiths. Hell yeah. Mike Lawrence and Jason Galern.

Fuck yeah. What's up, funny motherfuckers? It's good, yeah. There you go. I didn't plan to take those two hits of weed. I was just going to have a beer and then they put weed in my face. We got Jason High before the show.

I mean, you know. As long as I don't have to do stand-up, I can pull it off. I'm a stoner, but I didn't. That means I'm the only one who's going to remember the bad comedy. That's great. Beautiful.

Sobriety. It sucks. It's a podcast as well, unfortunately. That's what we're doing. We're blocking it out right now. It lives forever. So welcome back to the show, guys. You've done it before.

We know what you're in for with you two. I consider this a perfectly booked show. I'm so excited about it. And there's only one thing we're missing. It's the band. Everybody's favorite band. I know it's my favorite band. One of the best damn bands in comedy. Let's see how every week they do a different

intro. I never know what they're going to do and they try to commit to these characters throughout the episode. It's always incredible. Put your hands together for the Kill Tony band, ladies and gentlemen. It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Jimenez. Oh my God.

Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. They are definitely chefs. This looks like every other Adam Sandler SNL sketch from, like, 1993. For sure. I love that the only guy not wearing a hairnet has perhaps the scariest hair I've ever seen in my life. The last hair I would want in my food. I'm Gordon Ramsay, mate. You better watch

your fucking nocks. Are you guys celebrity chefs? This must be celebrity chef Chris Angel here with the saxophone. Everything gonna be alright. Wait, what? I can't tell if that was Cajun or Jamaican or...

Jaman. Oh, there you go. And then we have Chef Boyardee on the end there going through chemotherapy, right? And then we have every actual chef in Los Angeles on the drums. It's Mario. I'm pretty excited about it. So we're going to see how much you guys can act like chefs tonight That'll be fun

And are you guys ready to start the fucking show? I have Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny in front of me If you don't know Now you know Before the show From 6 o'clock to 7.30pm Pretty much anybody can sign their name up on a list Then they sort of try to sit over there

And if I pull their name out of the bucket, they come up and they perform 60 seconds of what could be stand-up or any type of life performance, I guess, from what we've seen on this show. Sometimes it's a completely crazy person, sometimes it's someone from the future, some winners from America's Got Talent, things like that. We've met them first on this show. So let's just jump into it. They get 60 seconds. Comedians, you know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means

wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There it is. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Here we go. It begins that easily. And your first person doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Javi Luna. I actually know Javi. Javi Luna. Is he not here? Here he comes. Alright, how's it going? I'm actually from Corpus Christi, Texas. Yeah, just south of Houston. I actually floated here. Saved a ton on airfare, so, you know. Buoyancy, just south of Houston. I actually floated here. Saved a ton on, uh, airfare, so, you know.

Buoyancy, right? Fuck it. Uh, I notice y'all don't have a lot of fucking fat people here. I was up in Oxnard the other day, and, uh, someone was like, hey, man, thanks for holding it down for the big boys. And he was like 200 pounds. I'm like, bro, you're at my goal weight. I was about to ask him for workout advice. What is that, a 2X? That's cute. I remember fifth grade.

Actually, I got into comedy because I got tired of all the typical fat jokes. You know, nice tits. When's the last time you saw your dick? You know, you're shooting for cancer. Probably going to be a burden on your family, the health care system, and society as a whole. You know, the typical fare. I don't understand the dick one. I don't understand the dick one. I don't get the big deal.

I've never woke up in the morning, thought, man, I sure wish I could stare at my dick for like five minutes. That's not a big deal. Being able to see it somehow helps the function. I'll tell you right now, I make love like Stevie Wonder plays the piano. I can't see what I'm doing,

but I still make sweet music. I'll be sweet music. Javi Luna. Javi Luna. You are adorable. Do you get told that a lot? You know what? You look like if Trump built his wall, you would sit on it and then have a great fall.

You look like you went to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and then the Gathering of the Juggalos. How long have you been in Cali? I met you in Texas a few times. I got here Wednesday. I was in Cali. I was up in Oxnard all weekend

at the Liberty Club. Very cool. Yeah. So you're just visiting? Just visiting. Leave tomorrow. And remind me, tell everybody, how long have you been doing stand-up again? I've been doing comedy for six years.

Six years. Yeah. All of it in Texas. You can tell. Thank you. How's it going out there? It's going. You have like a family?

I do. I have two children, a three-year-old and a ten-year-old. By the looks of things, you have four more on the way. He's having one now. There you go. Great delivery. Hey, you respect this man. All right.

Lex Luger body slammed him on the Intrepid in 1993. It's Jokozuna over here. So, Javi, you have two kids. And how old are they? Three years old and ten years old. Ten years old? Yeah. How old are you?

I'm 33. 33. Fat don't crack. I like it. I would assume that's when you were going to die. I mean, I could still be right How do you make a living? I run a comedy club down in Corpus Christi And then I do the road here and there

Oh so you make a living solely off of stand up I do not a great one but I do Did you get flooded at all? I didn't we got a lot of wind Fences knocked down power lost Did you open flooded at all? I didn't. We got a lot of wind, fences knocked down, power lost. Did you open the doors to your comedy club before Joel Osteen opened the doors to his church? I don't think he owns the property. No, because our people left.

There's not seven million, so we were able to all get out. Is your club okay? Yeah, the club's fine. Most of the city's fine, just a lot of mess that needs to get cleaned up. You seem like a happy guy. I am. Do I have a reason not to be? There's like orphanages flooded, but the comedy club stands, proving there is

no God. Yeah. What are you afraid of in life, Javi? What scares you? I don't know. I mean, I'm sure there's a no fear tattoo somewhere. Yeah, yeah. I'll show you later.

Vegetables is his only fear. Kale. Kale. He's going to ask for all of your autographs by the end of tonight. You're dressed as his favorite people. Javi, are you Mexican? Yes. Have you ever thought of going by the stage name Ralphie DeMayo?

Joelberg is in the motherfucking house already. I have now. I love that. He's got the Canadians behind him tonight. Wow, I love that. I was actually thinking Ralphie Jorge. Whoa. Brian, throwing in tags over here.

I like the ethnic jokes. All right. You are so adorable. Thank you. Do you ever use that to your advantage in life? All the time. How? Can you give us an example?

Yeah. I don't get any of the bad treatment by police officers. Right. You're just like, oh, sorry. How are they going to choke you? Exactly. Getting an extra pair of handcuffs is a little tedious. Get your hands somewhat behind your back, I guess.

If they stop and frisk, that's their entire shift. They shoot him and it bounces back. Do you have any needles, guns, or turkey basters that I need to know about before? He just unzips his face, and we realize Carlos Mencia has been hiding there, and this was his Trojan horse way of getting back at the comedy store. Javi, what else are you doing in L.A. while you're in town?

Nothing. I leave first thing in the morning. What did you get to do while you were here? Anything cool? See anything interesting? Nothing. Saw the Viper Room and all that. Just hung out on the strip when I got here.

Boring. What strip? This little sunset. That's it? That's it. Not the New York strip. See, I was going to make a dumb joke, and I didn't. I'm glad you did, because it was good to see what it would have gone like had I done it.

Was that what you were really doing? Oh, I was going to go chicken strip. I was just going to hit it right on the head, but I'm like, ah, the timing's just not right. It'll just sound hacky. How about New York strip? Make a recommendation sir i mean the i want to talk about the act but the act it was like perfectly good comedy it was like it was like you're probably thank you it's true here's here's the reality this is if there's an advice

part of this right so you can stay in corpus Christi and probably be the best person there. Yeah, you'll definitely be the biggest fish in a very small pond. Yeah. Because you are certainly the blowfish of comedy. And also Hootie. But the thing is, but you need to be somewhere,

and I know you have a family, so it's probably harder, but it's like you would be, like all the jokes were really good, but I'm not going to remember them tomorrow. That's just the truth. But I feel like if you go to New York, you come here and you you're like the second or third, you know, like worst person on a show. It's going to make you fucking work so hard and then you'll be as good as you can actually be. I think you're good now, but you can be great. So that's what I would say.

You get a hot air balloon made in your likeness. And you tour around the country in the hot air balloon. You post it all on social media. Hot air balloons. There you go. Actual size. Hell yeah.

I mean, your town is literally washed up. All I'm saying is just... That was too far. Your pants, that belt is just... Everything must really be working there. That's defying gravity, it seems.

It almost doesn't make sense. He's a feature that has his own support act. Has the format of the show changed as I've been feeling? I don't know. One minute and then 15 minutes of fucking... I thought the... First of all, I love your dad. You're a good dad.

Are you married or no? Yes. You're married too? Yes, I'm married. Congrats, bro. Thank you. Round of applause for this fucking guy. He's a dad.

He thinks this is his big shot. This is why he's here. Wow, Jason, you really know how to rile up the fathers in the audience. Hey, who loves dads? Well, let me give him a fucking compliment, man. Listen, that joke was fucking great. When people say, you can't, in fact, I can't look at his dick. He's like, do you want to look at your dick for five minutes?

That's a brilliant joke. It bombedbed but they might be as high as me That's a fucking great joke And I love the fucking Was that a flood joke you floated here It was a bit I mean it's new it's hacky But it's new and it got a fucking laugh So who gives a fuck

It's not possible but it still fucking works That was the weirdest applause break that started, but I'm glad it stopped. It's hacky, but it got a laugh. Yeah! Let me tell you too, half of comedy, you're fucking likable. They obviously love you. You're a fucking nice guy,

and that's half of it fucking too, man. You got great jokes. Awesome. Thank you. You're really likable. You're a cool cat. I'd like to give a special shout out to Javi Standen, my friend Christian over here. Comes. Thank you. You're really likely. You're a cool cat. I'd like to give a special shout out to Javi's stand-in, my friend Christian over here comes to every episode. Just want to let you know. Aren't you supposed to get famous before you have a fucking stand-in?

You're about 15 years old. He's got a sit-in. Are you going to bring your family here and all that? Are you going to move to L.A. and listen to fucking Lawrence? It's not like in the immediate future or anything, but eventually probably. Cool, cool, cool. Well, good luck to you, brother. You're a cool motherfucker. I like him.

There you go. I agree. Javi Luna, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Six years. Coming in, killing it. That's fun. One of the youngest 33-year-olds you'll ever see in your life Javi Luna

There he goes back to fourth grade Causing a Javi Luna eclipse Wherever he goes You got it I pulled another name out of the bucket Put your hands together for Andrew Clements Fuck yeah. Seems like Andrew blacklisted.

I was so worried it was going to be the other fat guy and we had to do like ten more minutes. You are also large. Sure, I'm glad that I voted here from Mexico. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Zara Ali. Fuck yeah. Oh, we got some scaredy cats out here.

What the fuck is going on? What's happening? We need to get back to that. From now on, if you sign up and you're not here, you go on probation. Put your hands together for Max Hoover. Fuck yeah, Max. Thank you. Hi. My name is Max. I didn't like my name growing up

because there were two other Maxes in my neighborhood, both of which were golden retrievers. It's a dog's name but it's a good dog's name I think it's dumb that bats are the only animal whose shit has its own name guano who the fuck are they animal whose shit has its own name? Guano. Who the fuck are they?

The rest of us just make poop. Guys, we make the words. Our shit should be called guano. They can have bat shit. That's already a term. They can have bat shit.

That's already a term. Boom. Andrew Clements. Very awesome. Wow. That's incredible. That's great. Hi, Andrew.

It's Max, but thank you. Oh, really? Did I mix it up? It's literally the first half of the bit. These people that don't show up. Sorry. I get the names. Hey, Tony. I like this guy because his personality is bland, but his jokes are salty.

You know what I mean, man. Come on. Fuck yeah. Max, how long have you been in stand-up? Like seven months now. Wow. Good Lord. So funny, bro. How old are you?

I'm 23. Where you from Akron, Ohio. Yeah Nice guy to have you been on this show before this is my first time. Yeah, I've been coming to it for a while though Oh, did you know that I'm from Youngstown, Ohio? I did actually Columbus guy over there, right? Yeah. Yeah. yeah, yeah. You're our new best friend. Oh, thank you so much. It looks like if James Van Der Beek played a school shooter. Yeah. Exactly.

That's a compliment. We all laughed, but your nervous delivery, we were just waiting for the gun to come out if we didn't laugh. What have you been doing? Oh, Guano does deserve its own. What were you doing with your life up until starting stand-up? I actually came here for a job. I'm a civil engineer.

I was waiting for that. Unlike those uncivil engineers. But no, and I've been a huge stand-up fan where I tried it just being adjacent to here already. I was like, if I ended up here... I was coming to the store already having no intention to try it. How much material do you have?

60 seconds. Realistically, probably half of whatever I think I have. I probably have like 10 minutes, 15. I don't know. I write a lot. How many times a week do you go up? Is that something that chefs do that I don't know about? Don't worry about it.

Do you go up multiple times a day, a week? Yeah, I probably get up five or six times a week. Or days a week. And you're also a civil engineer. I am, yeah. So I feel like now that I know all that and I see like how you're all put together and everything, I feel like you have everything pretty much all like organized in life. So what are some of your like dark secrets?

The two dogs named Max are dead and he murdered them. I don't know the darkness. The two dogs named Max are dead and he murdered them. I definitely think I put on a more put-together appeal or vibe than I probably am. I can see you're falling apart. I get up like most nights a week, yet I don't do it without weed or booze. I'm not comfortable up here at all, despite really liking it. I see you've been doing it for seven months. That's a recipe for disaster.

Well, the thing is, T, I kind of get where you're going. It's like the civil engineer shit. So you went to school for that? You have a full-time gig? Yeah. So is that the plan? My grandfather was a civil rights engineer.

My great-grandfather was a Civil War engineer. Okie dokie. That's my Chef Boyardee body ragging right there. Alright. So let me go back to a question that I asked you earlier. Some of your darker secrets.

What are some things that you do that you sort of... Come on, you know the ones. Yeah, I know, but the thing is, this is the one question I didn't want me to ask. I'm that boring where it's not... Just answer it honestly. I don't think he has too many, honestly.

You have a jerk off till your fingernails bleed. He's an engineer. Is your parents still together? I bite my fingernails. That's so lame. Yeah, I'm sorry. No, I mean, I don't have that much dark weird. I'm kind of bland in that sense.

I mean, he already said that he's a horrible addict that needs substances to get on stage. I think that's pretty dark and sad. Oh, I thought you said that you aren't on weed and booze. No, he said he has to drink or do drugs in order to perform. That's seven months in. That's fucking terrifying. And I see that. I see it on my mics all the time, so that must...

Yeah, I drink a lot. Yeah, I'm just kidding. Is that true? How much do you drink? How many cups? I mean, I don't drink to get hammered, but I drink most nights because I do stand-up most nights, and I'm not going to do stand-up without drinking. And you're from Ohio, and that makes

sense. How many serving sizes? I'm not good with portions. I don't know. How much did you drink before this minute-long set tonight? I probably had four beers, but they were IPAs. You had four beers tonight?

Yeah. It's Labor Day. What do you mean? It's a holiday. They drink fucking beer in Ohio. That's impressive. It's one of my six paid holidays. Don't ever say IPA on this stage again. The fact that some fucking family is gonna get run over by this guy when he comes home

from an open mic is like the most meaningless death I could think of. Oh, God. And you're going to live. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second. Holy fucking shit. I just realized something. Your name is Max Hoover. Correct. And you're from Akron, Ohio.

Are you related to the Hoover Vacuum Company power family? You have to be. You are. I can tell by your smile. You look like you would be like the rich, you're like the grown up Barron Trump of the vacuum of the vacuum company.

Did I just bust you on this? Because I know that Hoover... His brothers are medium and tile floor. None of my even friends out here know that and you just read that and exposed me. Well that's because I've had to drive through after the bunch. My family hasn't owned it since the 80s. We sold it to the Japanese who owned Dirt Devil back when my dad was a kid.

Where's the money, though? You own that guy! This is what I'm fucking talking about. Oh, yes. You are going to fucking clean house with all your new Hoover jokes that you're going to have. Hey, open markers. Rob this guy after this show.

Wow. His family wants to deport the people that use his products the most. Tell the truth. Who vacuums the floor in real life at the Hoover household? The cleaning lady. What do you mean? Demonic laugh, I guess. But in her defense, she has to drink or get high every time before she cleans the house.

It's a big mistake. She uses a Dyson. It just works better. Do you guys make wacky vacuum, Victor. Do you guys make, like, wacky vacuum jokes around the house and stuff? It's actually talked about a lot less than you'd expect.

Really? His grandfather's suicide note just said, my life sucks. Yeah. Do you have to work, man? Do you have family money? Do you have to work?

It's funny because, like, I'm a trust fund kid, but by technicality, meaning I have a trust fund It's I've been asked how much it is and I've been told it's a shockingly low amount. We're like it's all that's what they want I mean, you're at 23 when the fuck it when you get it That's the thing. I don't know. I mean my dad and I aren't that close. We're like I asked him and he's like shut up Well neither Ask him and he's like, shut up. Shut up. You didn't invent the vacuum. Well, neither did you, Bill. Neither did you, Bill.

That's funny. Where's your next bit? That's Bill Hoover to you. Hoover. You think I'm just going to sweep this under the rug? Dude, all I know is when your fucking parents die, you're going to clean up. That was good. I like that.

We'll all be damned. Hoover, that is. Maybe you'll even have so much money you'll do the Roomba. All these Hoover jokes suck. That was just Richard Nixon. That was just a Richard Nixon. It's me. It's me, Max's dad.

I am not a vacuum cleaner. I am not a cook. I got a penny stuck inside me. You ever put a vacuum cleaner on your cock? Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, you dirt devil, you. You dirty, dirty dirt devil. Ew.

Oh, you fucking bitch. Oh, go over and take this attachment. No, I've never done that. Now? Not even the bristly little attachment thing? That's like 70s pubes or whatever? You never got off on that? Dude, did you grow up in a really nice fucking house, like a mansion?

No, like standard upper middle class where it's not like... You know the standard. Suburbia. And by the way... There were two golden retrievers in my neighborhood, like that kind of neighborhood. Brian can attest to this. Standard upper middle class in Ohio terms does not have a cleaning lady in your bullshitting house right now. You don't want the comedians to know that you're from a rich family

because then they're going to ask you for bus fare and shit. Rich boy. You know he had a good upbringing when he's seven months into comedy and he's like, guano, that's what I'm taking down. What the fuck is up with that? He's smart. Pick your battles, man.

Bro, can I give you some advice? Yeah, please. Can I give you some advice? So, The Booze, I think you're a great comic already at seven months, and you'll be great, great, great, great, great, because all those great jokes you have, you'll just add more, more, more, more, more. So you'll be great, but The Booze, you know. I mean,

I like to get stoned and have a drink, but I would say fucking curb it now. Or, I know. Come on! Hold on! Get him! Have our buddies read the stone. I'm gonna take the throne. I'm gonna take this one for sure.

If you want to drink, drink. But I would not drink before your sets at this point. I would use it as a reward and train like you should be trained. And then if you want to have fun afterwards, then whatever. Maybe switch to a red wine vinaigrette. Jesus. I mean, this is my thought, though. If you need to do that every time, are you the one that's actually funny?

You know what I mean? It's like, earn it. I mean, genuinely, it's not like... I agree with him. You know he's funny. He knows he's funny. You need to stop boozing now. You seem sober as fuck, man, and you did a good job.

I don't think it's as much of a problem as we're making it seem right now. If you need a couple beers to get on stage, have a couple beers. Yeah. A lot of comics. No, thank you. I don't know. No, don't do that. That's fucking horrible

advice, especially if he has to drive home afterwards. That's dangerous. No, they shouldn't, though. Brian Redman, wow. Taking a real stand here on pro drinking and driving. He's finally taking a stance on something. Running for president in

2020. Everybody does it. Real talk. Just keep some old Starbucks in the car and just put it underneath your chin if you get pulled over. What? I think what they're trying to say is stay in school. Don't be a fool. Drop the blues or else you'll lose. All right.

Max Hoover, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Yeah, Max, you're great. He's on Twitter at NotMaxHoover. Javi Luna, by the way, is on Twitter at JaviLunaComedy. J-A-V-I-L-U-N-A Comedy. Fuck yeah. Chef, you having fun over there?

Yeah, the best time in the world. You're a Jamaican chef, is that right? Yeah, I'm a line cook. What do you like to cook? You know, jack chicken. I hope the next guy is like Joe Floby and his parents invented the Floby or something. I hope so.

Maybe we'll get lucky. That is an 80s project. A lot of people don't get that reference in here, Mike Lawrence. All right. Very good. You know, for a chef, you have a lot of swagger for a guy. Is this your first time on stage?

Ah, no. I used to be a male stripper before cooking. Wow. You had a little sound effect and everything there. Wow-key-dokey. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jason Silvius. Woo-hoo!

Silvius? and Sylvia's. Sylvia's. There's a lot of people here. How are we all doing? You good? So, by looking at me, you can probably tell that I don't do a lot of masculine things. Just immediacy.

I'm very scrawny, very thin. I like to do things like, you know, most people like to hunt and shoot guns and stuff like that. When they're, the manly things, you know, play football. You know football? Everyone watch football? No? No? I don't watch football.

I watch tennis. which is super masculine. No, I like to do things like drink tea and write poetry and cry. Like, those are the things that I'm into. Yeah, I don't do a lot of masculine things. Like, I don't have a favorite sexual position. Like, all the guys that I know have a favorite sexual position. Like, I don't know, like doggy style or reverse cowgirl or anything as long as she's crying, you know? And I don't have that.

Like, my favorite sexual position is in. I mean, all right. Yeah, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. This is fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. This is what serial killers look like. That sounded less like stand-up and more like the opening narration of an indie film I don't want to watch.

It's possible. I think I've written that enough. I just felt like we were your therapists. It's just like you're just trying to figure out who you are. That's fucking half the stand-up, though. Isn't it? Yeah, the other half is jokes, and there were none of those. Well, no, I disagree.

I think you had jokes, and you had a structured joke, not the hugest punchline. So I think The Last Cat is already a great fucking joke writer. You have the basics. You just need a few more fucking years. I need talent. No, no, no, no, no. And get right into your shit. Don't be like, you know, have your shit.

Just get right into the fucking bit. People can tell your whole thing, your aura. You don't have to fucking talk about it. Jason, I have a bunch of questions. I'm stoned. I have a bunch of questions for you. Yes, you are. Let's do it. So Jason Silvius, am I saying that right? Yeah, actually. For the first

time ever, someone pronounced that name correctly. Yes. What kind of name? Silvius is what kind of name? I don't know. What do you do for work? I actually don't know. Up here, up here. What do you do for work? There was another question. A copywriter, actually.

What? I write copy. A what? A copywriter. I'm just waiting for him to walk into the machine that turns him into Captain America. I was so jealous of Chris Evans. I couldn't quite understand exactly what you were talking about. You were just talking about having feminine qualities.

Yeah. But you're a female lesbian, right? No? Did the haircut give it away? I don't know. I think the everything gave it away. Two lesbians, by the way. When you were going through everything, I thought it was really funny.

I like tea was one of your tags. But then you said something about crying. Then you used crying as a bit like 10 seconds later, you used crying again as a joke. So I would probably change something else, like the position part where you're like, a lot of technical

advice tonight by the panel. I have personal questions I want to get to here with Jason. Yeah, we never thought you were gay because gay people have a command of the stage. Okay, alright, alright, alright. here with Jason. Yeah, we never thought you were gay because gay people have a command of the stage. Yeah, that's... Okay, all right, all right, all right. Let me jump in with a little bit of truth here.

Oh, shit. Okay, we're picking on him because he's an easy target. It's a dog-eat-dog world. Don't worry about it. They're bullies. It's a bully show. You're fine.

Anyway, so... No, it's good. It's good. He's so kind. How long have you done stand-up? I did it about six years ago for two years and then stopped for the past three or four. Where is my doctor's body?

Where is it? Are you adopted? I'm not adopted, no. How do you not know where your fucking name comes from? I've never looked it up because I don't feel like it's necessary. What about your parents? Nobody knows.

Wait, nobody knows what? Nobody knows where my name comes from. Like in my family. Like are you fucking ethnicity, I mean. Yeah, no, that's it. Yes. Oh, that means that you're offspring of Nazis. If you have no idea where your

blonde hair and blue eyes and knack it, probably disappointing your father comes from. It's in your Nazi blood. Okay, okay. Very good.

So Jason, are you gay? I am not, no. He loves pussy, you can tell that. He loves pussy. Jason, are you gay? I am not, no. He loves pussy, you can tell that. For sure. He loves pussy. Jason, that's not the sound. How can you tell, Glenn, that this guy loves pussy?

What is it? What do you see in him? I can tell he loves fucking pussy. What do you think his favorite thing to do to a pussy is? Do you love pussy? Yes. There you go. Do you eat pussy? Yes.

Are you good at eating pussy? I don't know, but I enjoy it. Do you? Let's get a pussy up here right now. I don't know. I can jack off to that. I don't know. There you go.

He's not done with his operation yet. Hold on. Wait six months. I don't perform well with... Wow, wow. Look at that. Jason, you look like the kind of guy that if you ate too much pussy, you'd throw up afterwards. No. And then he yelps the pussy afterwards. Made me nauseous. Two stars.

You've eaten pussy, but have you not made a woman cum? Like, that'll tell you if you can fucking eat pussy. Have you not made a woman cum? Not while eating, no. Okay. Too many calories. Well, I'll talk to you after the fucking show. Okay. I'll give you a half-hour fucking tutorial. Have you not made a woman kill me? Not while eating, no. Okay. Too many calories. I'll talk to you after the fucking show. Okay.

I'll give you a half hour fucking tutorial. Maybe 15 minutes and you're good. When's the last time you had sex with a girl? He looks like if he eats pussy, he has to wait 15 minutes to swim. I feel like I came here to like. How long has it been? It's been two... Welcome back to Gay Jeopardy.

About two, three months. Really? Two, three months? That's pretty good. And who was it with? Like a girl that you hook up with a lot? What was the first night's date? My ex-girlfriend at the time. Ex-girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend at the time. Ex-girlfriend?

My ex-girlfriend at the time. And what did you guys do? You went on a date or something like that? Yeah, it was great. Took her back to your place? No. Why did you stop comedy in the first place? I moved to Oregon, and Oregon's not funny.

Yeah, that's true. I thought you should use that as a bit that's funny. It's true. I was there three weeks ago. You're 100% right. He looked like he would have died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail. What do you do for a living? Copywriting. Copywriting. You copyright

for someone in particular? More like copywriting than my wife. I do. Wow. Jesus, this chef is aggressive tonight. Can I say something else, son? Because my honest advice is, like, it feels like, you mean you seem like someone who stopped and then started again. Yeah.

Your minute was spent, you just trying to figure out who you are. And I think, like, if you look meek, that you have to be even more assertive on stage. Tell us who you are. Don't try to figure it out because it seems like you're running around in circles and just be a little more aggressive. Like when there's a pussy.

Okay. He's not aggressive though. You're not an aggressive dude. Why the fuck would he be aggressive if he's not aggressive? What do you do for fun? What are the hobbies and things that you do at nighttime? Wear a bib? At nighttime hobbies when I'm by myself?

Yeah, or socializing or anything. Video games. I'll play a lot of video games. Dude, but how much do you love comedy? That's how we come. That's how we come. That's how he comes. What video game? What do you like more, video games or stand-up?

Stand-up. Okay. Good, good, good. I literally stopped playing video games so that I could get back into stand-up. Really? You had a bad habit? Bobby Lee has a bad habit. You wear a headset and everything?

Yeah. You cam up? Are you on a cam as well? I stream on Twitch, yes. What's your game? Shooters? School shooters? Uncharted 4, so third-person

shooters. Even if you didn't do stand-up, you should probably just quit that shit altogether. That quit? No, all of the video game shit. No, don't do that. Drink and play video games. Do you never do video games before you come on don't do that. Drink and play video games. Dude, never do video games before you come on stage. Like that last guy.

I try not to because I'm not. This is the only comedy show that's like, drink as much as you want and get shit-faced, but never play video games. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Jesus Christ. Man, you hate alcohol, huh, Mike? Yeah.

Yeah, I do. It's ruined Jesus Christ. Man, you hate alcohol, huh, Mike? Yeah. Boy, boy. Yeah, I do. It's ruined lots of comedians' lives. Yeah. We're 50-50 on this. I don't know. Half the panel thinks everyone should be fucked up. I need a drink.

I know. Josh, can I get another drink? No, you should party a little bit. Can we get three vodka sodas for the band? Do you drink, Jason? I do. Anything that doesn't have an umbrella in it? Beer, man.

I came from Oregon. Oregon's like the beer capital. What is your favorite drink? Tell the truth. My favorite drink? Vodka. It's literally beer. A pint of beer.

Pussy juice. I love beer. Cider? I will drink pussy juice. Well fermented. All right. Just fresh. What part of town do you live in?

Have you ever gotten a tummy ache from eating too much pussy? I think we've made three versions of the joke that you just laughed through. I'm pretty sure. I'm going to teach him how to eat pussy after the show, a thousand percent. There's a reason you came here tonight. You're going to learn how to eat pussy. I'm going to tell you how to eat pussy. Can you give him thousand percent. There's a reason you came here tonight. You're going to learn how to eat pussy. I'm going to tell you how to eat pussy. Can you give him one quick tip right now?

Can you give it? Okay, sure. Okay, well. I don't have a pen. Do you? You know. This looks like it's going to be the Rick and Morty fan fiction that nobody wants. I know that is, but.

Just, I'll say this. This is a quick show. Yeah. Wait about 15 minutes until you suck on her clit. So don't even touch the fucking clit. And I could keep going. But just 15 minutes. Jesus.

Galern. But yeah, yeah. Even longer. Fucking longer. Galern, you just made every guy in the room look like a complete asshole. Well, not a big any person. This helpful advice is more uncomfortable than the bullying 10 minutes ago.

No, no, no. This needs to happen. On stage or off, I'm going to teach you how to eat pussy. Wait a second. I think Pat has a recipe for eating pussy. I'm going to start with I have a recipe for eating pussy right here. Always scoop out all the cotton out of it also before licking it

okay so once you hit that spot chill out going but you can take your time even kiss the inside of her thigh or take a little break and watch her squirm then go back slower number two think crazy thoughts like don't think about how you're tired. Go back, or how you can desperately want her to come to vindicate your masculinity, which was shaky from the get-go. Sometimes I'll think shit like, I don't even want you to come. You don't deserve to come. You're just a bitch.

Number three, make sure it's wet. Nothing's worse than trying to stimulate a dry pussy. Here's an easy shortcut. Get some spit on your fingers Then start playing with her pussy Manually If she closes her legs or tells you to stop

Then she wasn't going to let you hit it in the first place Or she's uncomfortable Either way, relax, stay cool, and back off She's a human being Ideally, she's your friend and you love her You don't have to be in love with her Just show her love You know what I mean?

Number four, this is important Move your head from side to side Get in there in love with her, just show her love. You know what I mean? Number four, this is important. Move your head from side to side. Get in there. Like you want her pussy lips to suck your face off your bones. There you go. Fuck yeah. Chef Patty Reagan.

That's it. There you go. What advice would Gordon Ramsay give? Ah, fuck off! Well, Jason, did you learn anything here tonight? Yes. How were you eating pussy before? Can you give us an honest rundown?

Can you just tell the truth now that you've heard? We could have also done all of this with Max Hoover. Let's be honest. He looks like he preheats the oven before he... It was a manual thing, and then it... So if you had to describe how you ate pussy before, how would you do it? Poor? What? Poor?

Poorly. You could do better than that. What was your method? What was my method? Sure, go ahead, Jason. Just let it flow out of you. Come on, people are horny here, dude. Let's go. Okay. It would be a out of you. Come on, people are horny here, dude. Let's go.

It would be a lot of teasing with the tongue on each side. I've never heard anyone make eating pussy sound gayer than before. First thing I do is teasing back and forth. Left it right with the tease. Maybe you shouldn't talk about it. Just do it.

You know, like someone walking down a runway but I do it with my tongue. So I deep-throat it, right? And then... Just don't tell the girl how you're going to eat pussy. I would ask how many occupants were in the premises in the month prior. Who gives a fuck

about that? When I eat pussy, I always swallow. Alright, sorry. Ha ha ha. I love that you always give yourself a rim shot no matter what. This guy doesn't like the first person that would eat a girl out with a bib on.

With a picture of the pussy on the bib that he drew himself. Use your right hand to play with it. And with your free hand, twirl the baton while you go down there. Then he wipes the sides of his mouth with a napkin. There you go.

I just lick it up. Did you have fun here tonight, Jason? Yeah. Are you excited to go eat pussies with all your new talents? I'm very excited. How many ladies out there... For those of you watching in VR360, you can turn around at this part.

How many ladies out there are excited to let a guy like Jason eat their pussy tonight? Fuck yeah. Look at that. You've got a horny crowd, Chief. I love it. There's a lot of dudes over here. There's a couple gay guys over here that clapped for you, Jason. Someone's going to open their gates for Bill tonight.

There you go. Jason Silvius, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. Pussy go. Jason Silvius, ladies and gentlemen. Pussy eater. Jason Silvius. Good work. Money, man. Good work. Jason Silvius is the pet of Kyra on Twitter. What's the pet of Kyra,

Jason? The pet of Kira. The pet of Kira. Oh, that's also your stream on Twitch. He's also streaming live on Grindr on it as well, live, right now. He's one of the... You can't stream on Grindr. He's the only guy that has the... He's like the fucking Tom from MySpace of Grindr.

No way. He's able to stream and cream. Is that real? Streaming live on Doomsday. I don't think he's a closet job. I do think he loves pussy, bro. He's a deviant, I can tell. Wow, we know this guy. He got up last week.

Put your hands together for Manuel Herrera. Fuck yeah, Manuel. Famous for his aggressive tweeting towards a very normal girl. Here he is. Is that legal? Manuel Herrera, everybody. Come on. It's like Bill Hickson.

So I live with my parents. I used to work for Crazy Chicken. There was this blonde chick I would flirt with you know and I told her um have you ever seen uh death proof by quentin tarantino and she was like oh I love tarantino I want to go over so she did and she had never seen it before and in this movie the stunt driver murders chicks you know and she was like oh this is awkward and she was like you have bunk beds is awkward. And she was like, you have bunk beds? And I was like, yeah, it's your rooms with my little brother. How old is your little brother? He's 22. And yeah, at the time, I didn't even have a mattress either because we had bed bugs,

but we don't have bed bugs anymore, you know?. We just had a piece of wood on there and she was like, I think I got to go. She left. I thought she was going to tell me something romantic and she was like, which way is the freeway? That's all I got for today. Thank you. Manuel Herrera. Getting laughs at parts How's it going, man? Getting... Getting... Oh, my God. Getting laughs at parts that I don't think we're supposed to get laughs there, man.

Oh, yeah, I know. I didn't intend it like that. There's a lot of setting up there, a lot of unnecessary information. Death Proof had nothing to do with anything. You're giving us the plot of the movie for nothing. Not a lot of people have seen it. You went on a date.

But why would you? Are you plugging? You think Tarantino needs your plugs? No, no, no. Not a lot of people have seen it. I think the joke was the plot of the movie was about killing women, though. It made it uncomfortable, right?

Yeah, yeah. So that's why he brought up death proof. Bri's weird. Fuck yeah, Bri. I don't know about that. I think you just wrote a script. Like what T said, it's got to just be eliminated. You just read a fucking...

Maybe a script writer. It was good though, man. Oh yeah? No, it wasn't. He's not making any sense. Even he knows you're full of shit. Daniel. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I stabbed his ass on that one. What he was saying is true. This is an actual point, Manuel. This is an actual point to be made, is that what you did was funny. You're a funny guy, and the words that are coming out of your mouth are funny, and sentence to sentence it's funny,

but it didn't feel like jokes. It didn't feel like stand-up comedy, so the audience didn't respond in that way. if you have to tell the audience the plot of a fucking movie just dropped a bit altogether if they don't even know what was the point she started i mean well i guess let me ask you this why would it even come up that you live with your brother how did that come up during a movie were you guys talking during the movie well i put that movie on but we went into my room and she was like oh there's bunk beds here Oh it was at your place And she was like

Oh you share rooms With your Why'd you go into the bedroom What were you gonna do Well we were gonna watch That movie there And then you know Escalate things you know

That's where like Anyway The comedic instinct Comes in like Can you expand on that too You're obsessed with the movie When the actual funny Is in the bunk bed

The idea of bringing A girl over and there's bunk beds. That's relatable. I mean, not to me, thank God. But that's fucking funny. Even he'll fuck that premise up. You're wasting your time. But you're like, people need to know about death proof. How did you get there?

Where did you meet this girl? She was an old co-worker of mine when I used to work at Crazy Chicken. Really? See, you're not smiling at all right used to work at Crazy Chicken. See, like, you're not smiling at all right now when you say Crazy Chicken. You have a very straight face right now. And does that mean you don't think it's funny the way

you just said when I used to work at Crazy Chicken? We're just serious about it? Like, I don't know if you know what's funny. I didn't think that was funny. I just said it out loud. So it's common to you? Crazy chicken? Yeah. Or do you mean Pollo Loco? Yeah. That's what

Pollo Locos are in Mexico. Yeah, it was Pollo Loco, but I call it crazy chicken casually. You gotta talk about working there, bro. That should be your first 10 minutes. You gotta have jokes about that if you don't already. Do you call it crazy chicken so Trump won't find you

I work at crazy chicken He's like you mean Pollo Loco That's hilarious He's afraid the restaurant Is going to get deported So what made you hit up this girl All of a sudden You're just going through your contacts

You're like hey that's that girl from the crazy chicken No no we were co-workers at the time, and we would chat up, right, during work. Chat up. And she told me she was into Tarantino movies, right? So then I was like, oh, have you seen this one? And she was like, no. And then I told her, well, come over to my place, and I have it on DVD. Did you ever say, I like your thighs and breasts?

Oh, my God. No, not yet. So she's been to your place before? Only that one night, yeah. Only that one night. And let me get this right. So you said earlier that you were going to watch it in the bedroom. That was the plan.

Yeah. But you went there with her. Yeah. And she's like, what the fuck are these bunk beds? That's where the whole thing starts. I feel like during all the pussy eating talk he was sincerely writing in a notebook.

Can you say that last part again? Did you end up fucking her down the line? No I didn't because I didn't have any mattresses at the time because we used to have bed bugs but then I didn't. Never got to. I didn't have any mattresses at the time because we used to have bedbugs. But then. Oh, shit.

Yeah. You told her that. I didn't tell her that. I just told her, oh, yeah, we're transitioning between mattresses, you know. So it just so happens we don't have one right now. If you had bedbugs. She was transitioning between wanting to fuck you. You had bedbugs and bunk beds?

Yeah, I guess. That's fucking. If this was Scattergories, you'd have so many points because of that. Oh, yeah? I guess. Bedbug bunk beds? Do you just have weird names for every tragedy in life? Fucking bedbug transition. We call the Holocaust the oopsie-joo time.

Ah. Yeah. I mean, that is the most political. We are transitioning between mattresses right now in this rough time of need that's what I told her it was all true 100% true or what

just tell her your mattress identifies as a couch now I have a new job at burger monarchy and things are better why would you take her into the bedroom with the bed bugs if you knew that the beds had bed bugs? And there was no mattresses. I live with my parents and

the only privacy I could get anywhere was in that bedroom. So there was just a TV and you guys sat on the floor? No, we actually sat on the bottom bunk and it wasn't comfortable. Yeah, there's no mattress. From this story, I can tell she's clearly Latina as well.

This story is about an innocent woman who literally walked into a red flag factory. The entire apartment was made of red flags. She was okay with some of them. Oh, co-worker at La Playa Loco.

I'll let that slide. Oh, transitioning between mattresses. Okay. Lives with parents. You know, I'm better than this. Did you try to kiss her at any point? No, I was a little bitch at the time, you know? Oh, yeah?

What would you do now if you were in that same situation, living with your brother, bunk beds, bed bugs? You were a bitch at the time. What would you do now? How long ago is this? This was maybe 2012, 2013. What would you do now? I would eat her out, dude.

Fuck yeah. Eat that pussy. Talk to the last guy. He says these things with a straight face. He doesn't smile. I'd eat her out. It's the honest truth, dude. I guarantee you she married the next person she went on a date with. She's like, well, I know what else is out there. I'm bueno.

I'm pretty sure he had a mattress. She was like, do you have a bed? Let's get together forever. They're not bed bugs. They're sleep critters. By the way, I don't have bed bugs anymore. So for any of you girls who want to kick it or whatever, I don't have bed bugs.

I still do with my parents, but it's not an abortion. It's visiting the Hoover family. Why do you still live with your parents? Well, because it's tough being a millennial and being a millennial. In L.A.? It's cheaper to live with them. How old are you? Wait, it's too much to live with.

You're 28? Yeah. Wow, wow, wow. I look fucking old or what? No, no, you look great, but that is old. I don't care. I know millennials are fucked up or fucked economically, but you got to get the fuck out of your parents' house, dude.

I did for a little bit, but it was freaking hard, man. What was your living situation when you got out of there? What was that like? I moved in with one of my old classmates from middle school. Classmates? Yeah. Class for El Pollo Loco? No.

Yeah, I moved in with him and his wife. They had a room. Oh, you lived with his wife. Wow. Get a few comics. Live with a few fucking comics if you want to do this shit. Yeah, huh.

You can't eat pussy if you're living with your parents. You can't bring that to your parents' house. Manuel Herrera is known on this show, actually, for one popular thing. There's this one girl that lives in Virginia, just a normal old... Dreadhead killer. Yeah, she's on Twitter, and sometimes Manuel just randomly roasts this poor innocent girl. Just a normal girl. She has, what is it, a little over 5,000 followers.

She's following 700 people but she's sort of what would how would you describe her her tweets sort of sexual right yeah they're sexual but you always respond you always quote tweet what she says and you respond continuously to just a normal girl this is not a celebrity or anything like that so i'm gonna read you uh a tweet from him that i just found from 40 minutes ago. Oh, shit. While the show was happening, you were sitting over there and you tweeted at her. Is this correct?

Yeah. Is this you or I just want to make sure nobody else is controlling your account. No, no, it's me. While someone else was on stage actually doing well on stage, you should have been paying attention. She said, waxed everything, got a tan, colored my hair, and bought new clothes. I'm ready for tomorrow!

You quote tweeted that and said, a hoe's gotta look presentable. Why would you say that to her? They gotta look presentable. I don't know. Why can't you say that to her? Well, they've got to look presentable. I don't know. Why can't you have that confidence

anywhere else in life? Do you like a little bush? Do you like it shaved? Trimmed is good. Trimmed is ideal. It's a little one. Let me ask you a question. You retweeted a tweet that says,

God is punishing Texas for voting for Donald Trump. Let us pray. That's what that says. Why did you retweet that? What in that do you find that you believe in and endorse exactly? Let me read it again. God is punishing Texas for voting for Donald Trump. Let us pray.

Like, you remember what you were doing when you decided to retweet that on your account? I was probably taking a dumpskies. I don't know, dude. But, yeah. Okay. I hate that. Brian has a Donald Trump sound effect board thing

that he can go to. It's so bad. So why'd you retweet it? Man, you guys are putting me on the spot here. Do you believe that? Do you believe that God is punishing? Do you believe that's how the world works? That God's like, you're voting for Trump?

Everybody knows I'm a Democrat. Can we just bring up the guy from Corpus Christi and make them fight? We've had enough brown-on-brown crime, all right, guys? Looks like he's got two ounces of denial right now. We have people that are morally corrupt. He's a trolo. You really don't like Trump a lot, huh?

Are you a parent? Mexico sentence, people. I don't know how to... We need a special safe word or something. Three hints should do it. So what's the closest you've gotten lately to getting laid? Other than tweeting at people while in a showroom. I think the last time was probably back in July.

Yeah, what happened? Did she jerk your chicken? Bruh! Nah, it's a moldy chick. She's married. What do you do? Is she your roommate's wife? How much older is she?

She's 40. Wow. Look at you. She's got. Wow. Look at you. She's getting a sleazeball over here. What's the deal with their relationship? We're chefs, remember? What's the deal with her and her husband? Like, she must have told you some shit.

What's going down with that? Well, man, dude. Manuel, is it the right thing? She's a star. Her husband is locked up, and she's... I'm locked up. Don't let me down. And you're the guy? You're the guy that's filling in

for a prisoner right now? Yeah, man. I hope he's doing fucking life for your fucking sake. Yeah, that's pretty much it right there. What's that? He's getting out in a few years. Actually, in a few days. Oh, you're fucked.

I swear to God, dude. Maybe that's his thing. Why do you ask me that? Guess what his favorite podcast is? Come on out. Fuck, he's backstage in the green room. God damn it, man. And then he comes out and he's like,

my whole family's from Texas, motherfucker. Manuel, how do you feel about your last set? Well, I gotta work on it. I gotta work on it. Ever. I gotta work on it. Manuel, so do you know about your last set? Well, I got to work on it. I got to work on it. Ever. I got to work on it. Manuel, so do you know what he went to prison for? I want to say battery and assault, something like that.

I don't know. See, everyone goes assault and then battery. This guy's an alt offender. He went battery then assault. I mean, I don't know the order. I don't know. I just, she casually mentioned it to me. I wasn't going to ask for the questions.

It was a two-piece with a BRC and a Cedar discount. So did you tell her when your old man gets out we're done? No, she still wants me to put it in afterwards. Wow, that's incredible. Maybe it's the thing you can watch you fuck or something, jack off or something.

I don't know about that. Jason, I love that. I didn't realize you were... I'm trying to come here. I'm not getting paid, so... I didn't realize you booked cuck videos or whatever you're doing. I'm genuinely curious. And you're from L.A.?

You're from L.A.? Yeah, from East L.A., yeah. From East L.A., cool, cool. How many people are in your family? L.A. Five. Fuck yeah. What do your parents do?

Support open micers. My mom is a stay-at-home wife. She babysits some kids. Yeah, you, right? Well, besides me, yeah. What's your biggest plan that you have in your head right now to get out of that house? Stand-up comedy.

Right now I'm driving a forklift. No. No, it can't be that. Come on, really? Uh, stand-up comedy. Right now I'm driving a forklift. No. No, it can't be that. Come on, really? What do you think is going to happen? In my immediate future? Well, hopefully not get a chick pregnant.

Great answer. I don't know. Especially this chick. I don't know, you could, what you could do is you could get the chick pregnant that has the prisoner that's coming back. Because you know they're going to be fucking like crazy. And then he's going to have to take care of your baby. Oh, no. Oh, Jesus.

Welcome back to Bad Advice. Well, bro, can I ask one more question to you? Yeah, go ahead. How did you meet her? In your hood? One of my coworkers. Co-workers. Said that she's a horny fucking wife. Something like that, yeah.

Incredible. And you went over and fucked her the first time? Probably. Pretty much. Thousand percent. Love it. Fuck yeah. How many times did you hook up with her?

Probably like four times. Wow. Always at her place? Quattro. No. I'd go to a hotel and she'd meet me there. You'd go to a hotel? Yeah. Oh, dude, I live with my parents. How are you going to hook up

at my house? Why do you have a mattress in there, you know? I thought she was where the bed bugs came from. Does she have kids? Yeah, I think a 17-year-old, I think. Damn. What hotel do you meet her at?

The one across the street from my job I can just wake up in the morning and go to my job Really? Motel 6 Motel 4 How much does the room cost there? $80 $80

Wow You pay every time? You pay every time. I pay every time. Fuck yeah. Because I'm a gentleman. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

The last thing people think about you is you're a gentleman. I am. I got manners. All right. Manuel, you were on last week. We've heard enough of you tonight. There he goes. Manuel Herrera.

He's on Twitter. Winner snake. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny.

Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. or snake. Mandy. Okay. What's going on over there? I don't think this chef, the brunette chef, likes me very much. I never did. I don't know. Ever since Howard Stern started

working in the kitchen, he's been very, very... Wow, that's a good Howard Stern wig. All right, here we go. I pulled another name out. Jeff Fratchy? Frachy? Oh, shit. I'm in my English

Totally emotionless You said it to her heart Thank you. So this is what Make-A-Wish Foundation feels like. So the other day I was eating pussy. Just kidding. No, but I was... Growing up in a small town, there's no black people,

so everybody had to call me, like, hey, you're acting like you're black, or you're trying to be black. And I get it, because, you know, the whole, you know, listen to hip-hop and the hats to the back and slapping hoes. I get that, but I don't understand why it was never in a positive thing.

I did track. I ran fast. I never said you're acting black, running fast. I never understood that. It was never in a positive sense is what I make. But yeah, damn, I was thinking that was going to get a laugh. I tried hard. I'll keep bombing thinking that was going to get a laugh. I tried hard. All right. I'll keep bombing.

I'm going to keep doing this. But, yeah, damn. I tried. Just lost my head. It was getting better, though, right? A little bit better? A little bit? A little bit on the...

Damn. I fucked this one up. Thanks for the rest of the hell. I'm out. I wonder what would have happened. I almost feel like we shouldn't even have had the cat on that one. I just wanted to see what would have kept happening. It was like you or Jay in the audience with Silent Bob.

Ha ha ha, yeah. Mike motherfucking Lawrence. Love it. Mike motherfucking Lawrence Love it Jeff This is the first time I've ever seen someone Bomb for one minute hard But that was like one minute straight bomb

Look if you don't quit after that That's fucking good Jeff it was pretty interesting That's the first time I've ever heard somebody 35 seconds into their set truly ponder Retirement And then from that point on, at one point, after just

acknowledging, like, yep, not going good, not happening tonight, fucked this one up. At one point, you end up going, I think it's coming back now. While just acknowledging how bad it was going, you thought you started doing good, but you were just sort of

acknowledging how, I mean, there was just nothing happening. Well, he spaced. You forgot your next bit. Of course, of course. Yeah, no, I mean, that makes sense. You also did something you've done before where it was really hard to understand what the fuck you were talking about. You were like going...

What's the longest thing you've ever memorized? Where do I start? Come on, think. I want you to think of an answer. I want you to use that fucking brain. I could rap some Biggie. I could do that.

He's like the numbers on a tape measure. Have you ever had to memorize anything? No. You've never had to memorize anything? I mean, the jiu-jitsu, that's a good example. I mean, as far as vocals, no, I don't. And I'm still trying to practice with them. Fuck, you know jiu-jitsu, that's a good example. I mean, as far as vocals, no, I don't. And I'm still trying to practice. Fuck, you know jiu-jitsu?

I got to stop making fun of how stupid he is. Tenth planet, bro. Man, you are so lucky. You're so fucking lucky. If you didn't know jiu-jitsu, have you ever had to use jiu-jitsu on somebody off the mat? Yeah, I do security, so I have to. You just choked on stage. Have you ever had to use jujitsu on somebody off the mat? Yeah, I do security, so I have to... You just choked on stage.

Come on, bro. Tolbert. Come on, that's brilliant. Oh, shit. No, that was brilliant. I've never seen a comedian give himself a rim shot. That is a fucking first. That was brilliant.

But listen. I was just playing music. Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro. And this is for every comic out here. It's you're going to bomb. You're going to bomb again. You're going to bomb for fucking 20 years if you do it. It's how you bomb.

That was one of the ugliest fucking bombs I've ever seen in a long, long fucking time. You're smiling. You're smiling. You're smiling about this right now. Why? Why is that? Just because it's fun. I get stage time. I like it. Are you doing mics? Because I know you wanted your first time to be on the show. Is this like your fourth time? This is my fourth time. So you're not doing mics.

Wait, why do you only perform on this show? I only get this day off. This is the only day I get off. Jeff, that's a really bad idea. I want to do more. I is the only day I get off. Jeff, that's a really bad idea. That's kind of... I want to do more. I do. You have to do more. I want to.

I just don't want to get my days off. You're going to do that every fucking time. Yeah, I don't want to know. I'd rather hear from someone who gives a shit about this, to be honest. I think he gives a shit. Oh, shit. I think he gives a shit. I don't think so.

If this is the only fourth time he has to do it on a podcast, he doesn't give a shit. No one told him. If you want to do stand-up,. He doesn't give a shit. No one told him. If you want to do stand-up, you have to get up a lot more than you're getting up. Otherwise, forget it. Separate from that, I want to know more about your creepy life. So what are you doing those nights that you're not doing stand-up?

You seem like a sort of... Side control. Yeah, no, I mean, I compete in jiu-jitsu, so I do that twice a day. So that's mostly where my time goes. Choking the crazy chicken? Where do you work security at? Blind Donkey.

I live in Long Beach. What? I live in Long Beach. It's called Blind Donkey. Blind Donkey? Yeah. Yeehaw! What kind of bar is that?

It's a whiskey bar. Yeah, like peanuts on the ground? No. How long have you been working security there? One week, just started. Just one week? Yeah. What did you do before that?

I was working at European Wax Center. A what? European Wax Center. Where are you from? What is your accent? He was the lead singer of every band that opened for Nirvana. What is that accent? Michigan, we talked about this

You're from Ohio, so that's why This is what happens when you drink the water Help Flint, hashtag help Flint Let's go there How long have you been in LA? This will be my fifth month So how are you surviving? Just odd jobs

No, I'm just working, you know. I'm sorry. What did you do when you were back in Michigan? I haven't been there since I was 19. I'm from a small town, so I don't plan to go there. So where were you before you moved here? Honolulu. What were you doing in Honolulu?

It's called Koso. I worked at a tattoo shop. A what? It's called Koso. You're unbelievable. I worked at a tattoo shop. A what? It's called Koso. I can't. You're unbelievable. I know. I've literally had people that visited America that day from Israel and Iraq and crazy places. We've had a lot of interesting characters on the show.

You're from Michigan, and I can't understand half of the shit that's coming out of your mouth. He's punch drunk. Punch drunk. He's done it four fucking times. Here's the thing. You don't need stand up. There's people here who are the heirs to vacuum companies who have

nothing. You fucking lived in Hawaii. You're a jujitsu security guard. Your life is fine. Just fucking go out, fuck a different girl every night and yell scoochy boochies and just enjoy yourself. You don't need this. That's what I would say.

Do you love it already or no? No, I like it. It's cool. You're either going to quit now or you guys start doing it. I know the four times you've been on because I've been hosting the show all four times that you've been on. It's never gone well for you. I felt this time it went better just because I'm talking more the show all four times that you've been on. It's never gone well for you.

I felt this time it went better just because I'm talking more. What the fuck? Other than the forgetting part? No, you're honest. I mean, more stage time. You would say this was the best out of the four? No, it's not more stage time, bro. You lose.

The first time doesn't count. I got you. You have to do other count. I got you. You got to keep getting up. Do other places. You have to do other places. Do other places. Come back after you do other places. And after you learn how to enunciate all of your words properly.

Honestly, I think. There should be separation between each word. Take the imaginary cocks out of your mouth, and then we'll be able to hear you fine. Well, the first dude did it six fucking years. He's been doing it six years probably three, four times a week. It's a long road. I'm not in a hurry. I give you credit. It takes a lot of fucking

balls to come up and do this. This is like a fucking big show now to get up and do it. So that's cool. Jason is live daydreaming during this show here tonight. It's just going to be interesting to where all these fucking dudes end up. I love it. Oh, we know where he's going to end up.

The blind donkey. But him getting up on this show is like watching an old woman win a jet ski on Price is Right. It's like, we don't need to see that. That's for no one. There he goes, everybody. Jeff Freitchie. Fuck yeah, buddy. Long Beach. Go, go, go, go, go.

Hey, we have a regular on this show that does and performs a brand new every single week. A brand new 60 Seconds. She just did a spot with me in San Francisco. She was up there, did a little guest spot with Jeremiah and I in San Fran at Cobbs on the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour, and she

absolutely killed. I love it. Put your hands together. It's a new minute from the great Allie Makovsky, everyone. Hi. I guess I look like porn stars now because of my haircut. People keep sending me screenshots of different porn stars with the same haircut as me, which is weird because I know exactly when they're jacking off. And now I'm watching porn. I want to know about these girls I look like.

And it's kind of bothering me because they always have such a nice face of makeup on when they start. And then when they finish, it still looks perfect. But the worst part is that they act like they've never seen a dick before. Like this one is about to change their life. Like, what do I do with it?

I'm like, do what you did in the last 20 films. And then they act like it's going to be so big, like they're in so much pain. And their pain face is all the same, and it never looks like mine. Like if someone just grabs my arm a little bit harder than normal, my face is like this. I'm just like, fuck!

And when they're in pain they have a face that looks like they're sucking a smoothie out of a straw that's too small they're just like yep ali mccoskey yeah you got to get to that part you got to get to that part quicker. I do, yeah. Sometimes you just try, you never know if it's gonna be a full minute and you try and squeeze as much in as possible. And then the other one, where they say they always pretend like, do they always look like they don't know?

Yeah, they're always like, like, wow. I always fast forward past that part. I like the whole story. I never really see when they're pulling the dick out. I watch the stories. It's the only part that's different from the other porn. It's the only unique part of a porn. Of course you watch the stories, Mike. You don't drink or smoke.

We've talked about this throughout the show. Killing time there, Mike. Killing time. Oh, those awful sober people. Get some apple juice and look at the story of a porn. Oh, Lord. Frank Miller

presents Brazzers. So is that true? You've really been watching porn? No. I mean, I watch it sometimes, but I don't need it. You know? It's just, like, if I really am bored and have, like, no imagination, I'll be like, let's see what they're doing these days.

So you draw your porn, or? No, I watch it. Now, that seems normal for a woman. I would say, I've lived with a woman over 20 years. I would say that's probably a normal... No, it's not a brag. It's about a normal consumption of porn for a woman.

We don't need it. What's your favorite kind that you've found, though? My favorite? I guess I just like lesbian. Elephant porn, it seems, according to Brian. Huge hogs. Huge hogs.

That's another, like, woman thing, right? Like, women love the lesbian. They want nothing to do with us. Well, because lesbians know how to eat each other out. So you're like, that's what it looks like. Wow. You're right. I think you think most women, I think most women

think it's sexy to watch another woman make another woman come. Yeah. It's just more sensitive. Uh-huh, uh-huh. You know, it's...

You're 100% heterosexual. Cut to, like... I wouldn't say 100%, but for the most part, I'm more into the dicks than not. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah.

That's cool. Yeah. Also, it is cool. It is cool. Yeah, I agree with you. Thank you so much. I said hi to you the other night, love. I didn't know... I know. Yeah, I love it. I said hi to you the other night I didn't know We said hi but we never really talked What else has been going on in life?

What else has been going on? I don't know San Francisco was a lot of fun What else did you do there? What else did I do? I slept in my car for a long time just because I needed a nap. What does that mean, a long time? Like I just snoozed and I didn't set an alarm.

And I don't know how long it was, but I woke up like. But you said a long time like it was some Rip Van Winkle shit or something like that. Yeah. Is that the right reference? I don't think it was Rip Van Winkle who or something like that. Is that the right reference? I don't think it was Rip Van Winkle who slept under that tree. Is that him? I don't get it. He woke up with a beard.

You're right, Tony. Don't question yourself. Allie, I think you have obviously friends with Tony and been on the show a lot, but you have an amazing delivery. Like an incredible whole thing. Thank you. I agree. For a whole thing yeah I agree for a thousand percent that's what kind of keeps it going you know

I love it it's the first set and like the last five sets that like did the whole minute so that helps yeah it's sort of just it's simple and with the experience that you keep getting you're going to keep realizing that you know

it's the same sort of diagnosis. It's like just trim a little bit of the fat and go a little bit slower. Yeah. And that's all one killer minute again and again and again. There she goes, the great Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. Another new minute every single week. A great addition. How do you pick these? Because I think

you nail them all. You have to be like born into it. It's Game of Thrones shit. Good to see you, bud. You guys having fun out there? You ready to go back to the bucket? Meet a new human being? Make someone a star.

Maybe it's a crazy person. Maybe it's someone we've never seen before. Put your hands together for Michael Pena. Hi everybody, happy Labor Day! Labor Day is an awesome time of the year when the seasons change. In some cities it changes more than others. For example, in Seattle, they act like zombies and they scream, It's football season! Here in LA, I'd be driving

around on Lyft and I was talking to a guy about football season. He says, oh great, great, how's football season? He goes, great. I said, so have you watched any bowl games lately? And he goes, oh yeah, I watched a few bowl games. And I said, oh good, good. He goes, which one? He goes, the Hollywood Bowl. I said, oh really, the Hollywood Bowl? I said, well that's great. He goes, so I said, well what was the score? Because I thought I was going to hear something about college football and he says, oh Lady Gaga was awesome. Except, you know, she's not as good as she used to be. And I thought, oh, I was talking about football, not Lady Gaga. Anyways.

LA is a pretty strange place where they actually have seasons in football elsewhere. Anyways, you should be up. That's exactly a minute. Wow. I'm pretty sure the one thing you nailed during that set was the exact time. Exactly. I timed it perfectly.

That anyways, you let all the tension out of a balloon that you built, and the joke did not work, but you had a segue, and it was beautiful. I stuck with it. Yeah, you definitely stayed committed. Out of all the gay straight men on stage tonight, I think you may have been one of my favorites. What was the beginning again? I could tell that you had it well rehearsed.

Was it August as a special time? No, Labor Day. Labor Day. And you said Labor Day is a special time in which you got a big pop on that from the few people that know when bad shit's coming. Because we knew. Tony, I have a question. All right, I see a notebook in your pocket.

It's a massive, massive massive joke book If you would honor us by reading a selection from the notebook in your pocket right now See what's going on in there I agree Wow, glasses on, the book comes right out

This almost seems like coordinated Pat, is this your dad or something? Father, I'd like you to read some more selections. Alright, son. Pat! Pat! It's going to start with Arbor Day is a wonderful holiday. National Secretary's

Day. It's beautiful. This is a selection I wrote before defending Stephen Avery and his... Well, you're going to be disappointed there's no jokes really in here. We know that. We saw your 60 seconds. We want to hear some of your wacky

segues. Yeah, we saw the trailer. We know what's in the movie. Do you have any more of those like, anyways, or anything like that in there? Well, a lot of stuff is here about it's the all my meetings with all my staff. Oh, yeah. What do you do again? I write software. You write software? Just start

reading. He has that streaming app. Just start reading. On that page you were on. That's good. That's good. Metadata. Metadata. Single record. Director, producer, executive producer. Go to another. Yeah, that doesn't have much writing on it. Switch to a page with writing on it. Can I go through your notebook? Can I go through your notebook?

Go for it. I have a page with writing on it. Can I go through your notebook? Can I go through your notebook? Go for it. I have a very good selective eye here. Jews will not replace us. How many of you watched the fight this weekend? Can I read this one? Sure, go for it. How many of you watched the fight this weekend? Yeah, I watched it too.

And I do have to say, I think booing is losing. Am I reading that right? I think what? Booing is losing? McGregor is losing. Oh, and I think McGregor is losing its space as a manly sport and is being replaced by the provenness prowess of two men with

stimpy short roll here will you read it? wait a second all work and no play makes Michael a dull boy oh okay I can read this through? and as a gay man I am always Michael a dull boy. Oh, okay. I can read this through? And as a gay man, I am always a little confused.

It actually says that. I sit here watching two men roll and sweat, grasping for one, wanting the other to tap the other out. I don't think you know how boxing works. By the way, Michael is so gay that he was waiting for somebody to tap out in that boxing works. By the way, Michael is so gay that he was waiting

for somebody to tap out in that boxing match. How crazy is that? Tony, can you read it slower and in French, please? I'm not even making any of this up, by the way. Here I am, waiting for the other to tap the other out. I mean, every time I watch these cannibal

joyous events, the $1 bills in my pocket just want to rip out and say, more, more, more. Do some more. That's funny. Oh, shit. Joel's about to let you eat his butt. Wow, he really did.

Damn. You're very quick with your props. How did he have a dollar ready? I was saving it for you. That software just became hardware. My fingers are fidgeting in my pockets, pulsing, waiting for just that moment. Are you sure I can read

this? He has two teaspoons of semen in his pants. I lose control of the extraordinary I see in front of me, and so that's when, man, you're lucky you have bad handwriting.

Just wrote a new chunk on Labor Day. It's gonna fucking kill. Believe me. So, Michael, we've talked to you before, right? We found out that you're gay. You work at... It's a new software program coming out.

It's like a streaming platform. Call in space. What else is going on in life since the last time we saw you? Nothing much, actually. I've just been working a lot and concentrating on getting that out the door. You're Mexican? I'm Mexican. My mom gave me some new on getting that out the door. You're Mexican? I'm Mexican, yeah.

My mom gave me some new jokes. Shout out to three Mexicans tonight. Viva la raza. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or working? I drive for Lyft when I get bored sometimes. Oh, really? So that's a true story, actually. I believe that.

Why would you lie about that? I wouldn't. I. I believe it. What happened? Why would you lie about that? I wouldn't. I don't believe it. He actually started talking about Lady Gaga, and when he got out of the car, I was wanting to make sure he wasn't gay or anything. I was like, okay, was he gay? But he wasn't. What did he say about Lady Gaga? Well, that's the only Hollywood

Bowl game he went and saw. Get it? Hollywood Bowl. Football. So he's not a football city. No, no, no, no, no. We all know why it's bad. 100% of the people know why it's bad. I'm just going to whisk that joke away.

It's not a thing that we don't get. That's fine. Have you been to spots other places? I've been trying to go, but I haven't gotten up. Have you been getting lady ha-has anywhere? No, no, no. Not at all.

Go on any dates lately? No, I haven't been on any dates yet. No, but you know what? Four weeks ago when I saw the four models up here, I was wishing I was here to get some models. Wow, you're talking about the band? Damn! And then three weeks ago... If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen, boys.

Oh, shit. I think you're about to get a fucking... And I brought this special dollar for this one. Wow. Wow. Wow. Whoa! Whoa!

Michael just got dirty with Jeremiah. Did you guys see that over here? You guys had a good angle at it. He's like a cat when you're tapping a cat on its butt. He's like... Michael, if you had to pick one of these bandmates, which one would be the first one you would take down? Well, I am Mexican, so I need to stick with the Mexicans. Oh.

Hey, Michael, do you know how to play the drums? The wrong kind of drum. What did he say? Look at these two crazy chickens up here. El Pollo Homo. I haven't done something Did you say El Pollo Homo?

El Pollo Homo We'll fuck you real good I have done something in the last 14 days What? I have done something in the last 14 days I started this new diet by NordicTrack And I've lost 14 pounds in 14 days Oh

You suck the NordicTrack, and I've lost 14 pounds in 14 days. Oh. You suck the NordicTrack's dick? For 14 pounds of weight loss any day of the year. Is that true? You really went with the NordicTrack? Yeah. My goodness. You were just watching an old 90s television show.

Get in shape, girl. No, they put us, this casting call, I went to it and they picked me. I've seen that porn. Yeah. Oh, so they gave you one. Well, there's like 60 of us and so far I've lost most weight. Wow. It's called AIDS. You are dying.

Luckily, I missed that ship. I feel like you played Selena Gomez's dad on a sitcom at some point. You're not supposed to know that. When you say you missed that ship, what do you mean exactly? Because you came out after all of that? No, I came out during, and I just got lucky. A lot of my friends died of AIDS, but I didn't. Right, right.

I was pretty lucky. How old are you? He chose the nobler way of dying on stage I was foolish like everybody else I just got lucky it was a hard time rock hard you are the funniest 12 year old

in the universe he's so fucking likable this guy yeah you really are you're everybody's favorite. I don't have any more dollars, my friend. Oh, shit. No, I'm just teasing. Are you into hairy, bear-like guys,

or are you into more twinkie fellas? Well, I'm old enough now that they call me Daddy, and that kind of bothers me. Jesus. Because I used to be a twink. Jason is like, shows really change a lot to you. Let me ask you something lot to you. Thank you. Thank you.

Let me ask you something, homie. When you, you know, coming from Hispanic parents, were you in the closet growing up? Did you have trouble coming out of the closet because there was bunk beds blocking it? Well, we had bunk beds, but I was a good enough negotiator

to get the room to myself. But you were straight as a teenager. Or not straight, but like... Well, I had bunk beds, but I was a good enough negotiator to get the room to myself. But you were straight as a teenager. Well, I didn't know I was gay. I didn't know I was gay until I was 19. I was like I said before, I was a gymnast. That's what I mean. Oh, you were 19. You were already a gymnast?

I came out when I was 19. I didn't fucking know who he was. That's amazing. But to answer your question. What was the moment, though? You're doing gymnastic stuff, and what? You're on that bar,

spinning around, and then all of a sudden you see, what, a rainbow? I used to date these girls, and they all had really big boobs. Damn, two of them. What cup size? Triple Ds, triple Ds.

And I never wanted to touch them. What the fuck? You what? I never wanted to touch them. What the fuck? Yeah. You what? I never wanted to touch them. Oh, my God. Because I said I wouldn't touch them until I got married. And all my friends, teammates would be saying, this is crazy.

And you told somebody that, like somebody that you know, you're like, I'm not into boobs. And they're like. No, I didn't say that. What I said was I didn't notice that they had big boobs. They'd be like, why isn't he motorboating me? And then they realize how beautiful their fingernails are. I feel so bad for you. So a lot of the ladies were

upset. In fact, one of them actually had a boob reduction trying to get me to... What the hell? You're the only Mexican I've ever known that doesn't love motorboating. Because that's how they get there. You haven't met a gay one. Dude, that's how cold it is, man.

That's how you play it. I got some thoughts. What was your first time hooking up with a guy like? How'd that go down? Actually, it was a fellow athlete. What? Say that again? It was a fellow athlete. It was in the 80s. A fellow athlete what? say that again it was a fellow athlete

and it was in the 80s a fellow athlete? when you say athlete you're still talking about gymnasts no no no I don't even think they have a whistle in gymnastics he was actually a sprinter at U of A and he was on the dance floor and he had these

speedos no he was just standing there with speedos and he had these long legs. You knew he was gay immediately? Oh, obvious. I was in a gay bar. Oh, shit. All right. That was a big hint.

How old are you now? Like 21? I was 21 turning 22. Yeah. I didn't come out until after I competed in gymnastics. Oh, and what was your event in the gymnasts? The rings? No, floor exercise and parallel bars was my specialty.

Can you still do any... I think competing in gymnastics is coming out. That's what he said last night. I was telling him before. There's not a lot of gay guys in gymnastics. But you waited to come out until after gymnastics. So you went straight from the parallel bars to the gay bars. Yeah, kind of halfway between.

I guess you didn't go straight anywhere. I went right to the dance floor, though. That's for sure. Yeah? What's your first move on the dance floor? You know gymnastics, the floor routine. Do you still ever do somersaults just for shits and giggles?

Yes, I do. Mostly probably for shits? More for shoots. I don't even know what that means. Well, people have asked me for different shows to do backflips, so I've done backflips. You have? You can do a backflip? Sure. Wow.

No, not here. I'm going to get hurt. I have a shoot tomorrow, so I can't do it today. What are you shooting? I'm going to be doing some documentary and I'm the guy who's doing it. Anyway, they wanted going to be doing some documentary. I'm the guy who's doing it. Anyway, they wanted me to show me my faces. I don't know why.

What's the weirdest thing you've ever had in your butt? A gerbil? No, just joking. What the fuck was that? Have you always had that dubstep sound effect just waiting for gerbil sex? No, no. I'm not really into butt sex. He's what we call in the Mexican community a Danny Trejo.

Yes, thank you. It's over. Still here, you fucks. It's Trejo for us. Did other people know you were gay? Your friends told you later they knew you were gay when you came? No, because nobody thought I was gay. Really?

Because I was like 4% body fat, and I was pretty funny and fun, and I was just outgoing. You mean gay traits? Those are all gay traits? Uh-huh. Bro. I would just throw glitter in the air and go, hello, and nobody knew. No one knew.

They didn't know you were, when you were like a kid growing up, you didn't play like suck the tail on the donkey or anything like that? Funny story about that. Funny story about that. When I was a kid, my mom was driving down the road, and I had just priorly got to that. We had went to this amusement park with two guys that were teenage kids that I knew. And I was like seven. So my mom picked up two drag queens on the street.

And I looked at these two drag queens, and they're like, hey, Inez, how it's doing? What's doing? And he goes, hey, mijo, que que paso? And I I'm like don't call me mijo you girls I don't know you and then they sat next to me and I realized they were those those are the guys that I had went to the amusement park where what they were the guys they were the guys that were dressed that I had taken me to the amusement park now in in drag. So my mom had picked them up. So the funny thing was, my mom took them where they went, and my older brother, who was 16, he dropped them off, and my brother starts yelling at them about, why'd you pick up those drag queens?

Those are weirdos. She goes, well, those boys, they'll kick anybody's ass if they mess with you in an alley, with their pumps on or not. So you leave them alone. But you never do that again. And she kicked him out of the car and made him walk home. That's cool. That's fucking super cool. Yeah. My mom doesn't mess around. Wow, that's so awesome. But I didn't think that it would be okay for me to come out. She's obviously

cool with fucking you. Well, it wasn't at first. No, it was harsh. It was harsh. She basically sat me down and she started crying and said, why are you gay? She's Catholic. She's very religious. She's religious. And I just said, well, mom, you know, just like you like to sleep with men, I like to sleep with men too. So I don't know. Uh-huh. Ah!

That's just what I said. What'd she say to that? Oregano! Can I ask you something you might know and I don't know? Sure. What percentage of gay men don't know they're gay? Because I assume that everyone knows they're gay from an early age. But I heard George Michael in an interview say that he didn't know probably the same fucking age you were at, which stunned me.

Well, the 80s were a funny time because when you came out in the 80s – When you say 80s, are you talking like – 1980, not 20. The 80s were a funny time because it was really cool to be gay in the 80s. So a lot of people came out, but that doesn't mean that necessarily you thought you were gay. And I think a lot of people in our age kind of knew and it was acceptable. But as we got older, we start realizing, especially when AIDS came out, that maybe gay isn't good. What is being gay? Do you like eat poop?

No, no, no. What the? It's no different than when you – no, no, seriously, that's an honest question. Because it's no different than when you eat vagina and you go too low. Okay? So it's the same thing. It's just that what happens, though, is sometimes it happens. It's a guy.

Unfortunately. Instead of going too low, you just stay right there. Sometimes it's extra lube. You never know. Michael, I love you, man. You're so likable, so easy to talk to. This is good for people to hear, too. Do you like fucking baby bisexual people

or whatever, fucking gay people? I think it's cool that kids now come out early. They're very lucky. I think it's cool that kids now come out early fucking, you know. They're very lucky. I don't understand why they have this high suicide rate still, but they're very lucky. Because of people like you gaying the way for them all the while.

You know what I mean? I'm the less gay person I know, to be honest with you. Really? I mean, I go to West Hollywood and I get scared, okay? Seriously. Do you think you can talk some of those people that were in the closet, deeply in the closet earlier in the show on? Talk them on? Can you talk them out of the closet?

I could tell that they weren't gay right away. My gay daughter was like, eh. Not gay. No, not gay. But this guy. What? Hey, did you see him with the guitar? I did, I did, I was standing right there

He's on fire now too Michael Pena Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes I believe it's Pena Michael Pena Column space Michael Pena everyone Fuck yeah Column space. Michael Pena, everyone.

Fuck yeah. Should we go to the bucket one more time, guys? I don't know. I don't know if you guys... I'll ask one more time. Do you guys want to go to the bucket one more time? All right. Fuck yeah. Let's do it.

We're already here. We might as well just do it one more time. All right. This looks like it could be're already here. We might as well just do it one more time. Alright, this looks like it could be a new name. Put your hands together for Kenny Brown. Fuck yeah, Kenny. Kenny Brown. Here he comes. Kenny Brown, everybody.

Come on. My parents are celebrating 30 years of marriage. They're not here. That's weird. 30 years of marriage, they get a lot of questions. How do you do it? Communication? Other marriage stuff?

I only have one question. It was from my mom. How many times has my dad made you cum? Tell me! I micro-dosed ecstasy and I smoked a lot of weed so that means after doing that, I never need weed again.

I'm done. Who molested you? Round of applause for this fuck guy. He's done. That's it. Fuck yeah, that's it. I guess that's it. No one. No one.

Nobody? No one. That's amazing. Kenny Brown. Fuck yeah. How's it going? It's going pretty good. You remind me if we put

Kenan and Kel in a blender together and just... What would it be? It'd be Kenny Brown. It's like Kenny Black. Where are you from, Kenny? Long Beach. Long Beach. Born and raised.

Born and raised. On the playground is where you spent most of your days. All right. What do you do for work? Work security for an Asian food company. An Asian food company? Like a restaurant? No, just like they have bulks of rice and warehouse dirt.

And you just work security outside of the rice place? Yep, just stand outside. No more Mr. Rice Guy. So stupid. You're not a gangster. You're more of. Rice guy. So stupid. You're not a gangster. You're more of an MSG. You should ask the Asian food company to help you work on your delivery. You ever get your phone wet while at work

and you're just like, this is amazing! It was that first joke. I think the whole room, we were like, this is going to be fucking great. And then it was just about cum and we were like... No, his mom's cum. No, my dad's cum. No, my mom's cum, yeah.

But that's the point. Both of them cum together my dad's come. No, my mom's come. Yeah, I'm sorry. But that was the point. Both of them come together. That was strange. I like bad jokes from a feminist perspective, so congratulations. Is that true? Did I ask my mom that? No. I have one more Asian joke. Oh, you really

set it up cleanly there. Yeah, you're like Gucci Chow Main. Oh. Alright. it up cleanly yeah yeah you're like Gucci chow main all right all right I'll take it talk about you fucking not your like parents and shit you like to fuck too right it's like talking about I do but I don't fuck so you don't fuck sadly no what do you mean what do you mean you don't fuck I haven't fucked in a while. But why is that? I make love. Why is it?

Sometimes. I don't think it's by choice. I'm guessing. Is it by choice or is it a personal fucking? No, just no one's interested, I guess. Really? What do you do for fun? What do you do in social settings?

How do you put yourself in position to get laid? I go out and I stand around, hopefully. You stand around? Hopefully getting laid by pretty white women who would... White pussy. Well, I mean, if you're starting with white women, then maybe that's your problem.

Maybe you need to build up your confidence with the black ladies first, and then when you finally think you're ready Maybe you need to build up your confidence With the black ladies first And then when you finally Think you're ready to step up To the plate and be with You know A white woman

That's all I've had sex with Every day when he clocks out He's like the warehouse is secure now But Kenny isn't Well dude a lot of people get laid from work. You're solo, so I'd quit that fucking job. Go to a bar. I got another Asian joke. You have another Asian joke?

Yeah. Maybe the girl you need to look for is a Jackay Chan. Wow. You're on a real egg roll back there. Chinese joke-making chef. You are a movie guy pandering with this crap.

Pandering express. Bro, get a hooker. Hey, my chef is feeling iry. What's going on? I don't think I... Have you thought about going to Tijuana? Don't have money for that. What? Don't have money Tijuana? Don't have money for that.

What? Don't have money for that? Don't have money for that. What's the craziest thing that's ever happened at the Rice Place? Someone set a fire outside. Like, just last week, someone set a fire. I don't know if it was someone flicking a cigarette out, but there was just a fire outside. It was fireworks.

Just a random bushfire. How close was your hat to the fire? Is that why it got warped? It just seems like it's interesting that the Asians, I mean, with their expertise in karate, would pick you as their security guard. Why do you think they picked you? It's by a company,

so I was just chosen by the company to go there. You were chosen? Wow. Like, Jesus. You know who owns the building? We put your name in the bucket.

Yeah, the Asians own the building. Look at the fire. We pull your name out of the rookie cat. He looks like a California raisin that was kicked out of the band. You're a chosen one now. Thank you. Thank you.

I had another joke. I didn't. I just remembered it. Oh, wait. It was about porn, so. Oh, well, I mean. Wow. What a surprise. You wanted to make a... I think he's asking to do the bit.

I don't know if you're going to let him do it. Do you want to do it? Go ahead. A lot of pressure now if you fuck... I mean, you're the one that set it up. I didn't... I didn't ask you. Shit.

Now you're... You just spaced it. Man. Are you sure? Did you say you work security or insecurity? Well, I couldn't do it. It was too low, man. Wow.

I like him and Michael Peña, two experts on ramen. Hey, I like that. Very good. If some shit went down at your job, you're not going to do jack shit in Long Beach, right? Yeah, yeah. Fucking security's got us. It's chill, yeah.

Because there's a bunch of Asians making fun of me, then a bunch of Mexicans making fun of me all day. Yeah, yeah. Are there other black guys that work for these Chinese? Is there like a wonton clan or something like that? What? That's the one that gets a groan? A Wu-Tang Clan?

Wonton Clan? Fuck you guys. But it's an Asian pun on something that's already Asian. Are you scared because he's so easy to take out? He's scared because he's so easy to take out. When you shoot him, you've got to use all 36 chambers.

All right. Your last date. You say you're not getting laid well. The last date, who was that with? It was with my ex. Yeah, what'd you guys do? She came over and... She noticed that you had bed bugs on your bunk beds. Don't have bunk.

I'm an only child. Oh, really? You still live with your parents? I do. Yeah. Wow, Aphrodite's here, ladies and gentlemen. That's the real Aphrodite. Come on.

Look for the black mass in the middle of the room. You guys get no pussy. You live with your fucking parents We've had so many different We've had like The rainbow of loneliness tonight Just a fucking plethora Of different ethnicities

Of sad broken men Just brown and yellow I like that the 400 pound guy Was the only one in a secure relationship what the fuck of course it's secure nobody's moving him from that spot he has confidence in his food pyramid

what does he have that I don't besides his own gravitational pull are you from Long Beach, bro? I am. Born and raised. Cool, cool, cool. Long Beach in the parents' house. Whereabouts? Like rough in Long Beach?

Like where the crib's hanging out and shit? If you're in the wrong neighborhood. Like wrong, yeah, yeah, yeah. What neighborhood were you in? You in a tough neighborhood? All over, no. I live in, for 13, I've lived on the north side of Long Beach, but Compton, Long Beach.

What do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that? I just started hiking. I did that for the first time. It was weird. Really? Yeah, I almost died. Let me ask you something.

If a black person starts hiking regularly, did they get whiter? Since I'm already white-washed, apparently. What's the whitest thing about you, other than that you hike? By the beach. I was over here, Pasadena. It was over by Pasadena.

I went to an all-black college and I left in one year. Oh, you did? Because I really disliked it. Doesn't everybody leave an all-black college after one year? Yeah, that's the average. Or they didn't like you. Isn't that how you get your masses degree? Masses? You sons of bitches.

That's fucking brilliant. There he goes. Kenny Brown, ladies and gentlemen. All right, Kenny. Cool, man. Sweet, sweet, sweet. We did it. That's Kill Tony episode 130-something.

Look at this drawing. Look at that. Jason Gelerne, Brian Redband, motherfucking Mike Lawrence, and all of us all together, including the chefs, the band. All these prints are available at ryanjebel.com. So is the official Kill Tony poster. Guys, plug something. Mike Lawrence, you have a brand-new amazing podcast.

Yeah, it's called Rough Hang. It's on the All Things Comedy Network. It's a lot of fucking fun. Check it out. With our good friend of the show, Dan St. Germain, who's done this before. And Amber Nelson, who's really funny. Yeah. Yep.

And the great Jason Galearn was with us tonight as well, everybody. Stand-up comedy. Thank you. I really enjoyed myself, and I think they did too. You can catch JG here late nights at the Comedy Store, one of our favorite, not just a comics comic. I always look at that sort of like a backhanded thing. No, I laugh my ass off.

But you really are a lot of the comedians here, favorite comedian, just a true jokesmith. The Chefs, make some noise for the motherfucking band, people. Come on. Jeremiah is on my big, long stand-up show That I'm doing tomorrow Catch him doing stand-up there What else, Jeremiah?

Come see stand-up on the spot Every second Tuesday of the month Here at the Comedy Store It's a seven-year anniversary next week Seven years? That's not easy Patty motherfucking Reagan Has a bunch of albums out week, so... Seven years? That's not easy. Patty motherfucking Reagan has a bunch of albums out.

Give it up for Chris Dillon on the bass. Chris Dillon on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. The great and powerful Chris Dillon. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. Shooting rockets from behind the set. Brilliant. Me, Pat, Brian Moses, and John Shefsky got a

Comedy Central Snapchat show coming out soon called void yeah look for it check it out that's a void on the comedy central snapchat tonyinchcliff.com for tickets all my upcoming dates guys tomorrow i'm running my hour basically in this room depending on how asleep the audience is by the time i get on uh and uh yeah i think it's gonna be an hour or maybe a little more That's a really crazy long set for me to do in Los Angeles. That almost never happens. So if you real audience members are in the crazy mood to do something tomorrow at 8 p.m., well, we're just going to be doing a stand-up comedy.

Joe Rogan, Brendan Schaub, Greg Fitzsimmons, Jeremiah Watkins, Sam Tripoli, and me. Right here. And that's going to be a lot of fun. Yeah, Kill Tony Boston coming up on the 25th of September, something like that. And I have a Death Squad show here Wednesday and I'll be in Indiana November 8th with Death Squad

and November 9th in Columbus, Ohio. Thank you, live audience. We'll see you on the front patio after the show. Have a good night. I'm a wrestler at home My memory is dead and sold Angels in the sample Angels in the sample My memory is dead and sold Angels in the sample Angels in the sample Thank you so much.