KILL TONY - KILL TONY #229

Episode Date: September 15, 2017

Jimmy Carr, Moshe Kasher, Greg Fitzsimmons, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 09/11/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute?

I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winningning in an exciting live dealer studio exclusively on FanDuel Casino where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca

Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to our website, DeathSquad.TV, for everything Kill Tony, including past episodes and also information about when Kill Tony's coming to you. That's right. We are going on the road. Click on tour dates at DeathSquad.TV, and you'll see that Kill Tony is coming to the Boston Comedy Fest September 22nd.

Wow, that's in like one week, two weeks, whatever. So go there and check that out. Uh, Death Squad's also going to Indiana, uh, Morty's Comedy Joint, November 8th. Uh, then we'll be in Columbus, Ohio, November 9th. You can find out all this information, including every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store on our website, DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. He's on the road all the time. He's also got some merch.

Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. He draws every episode. He does the Kill Tony posters. You can check him out on his website, ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, the official

merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including a Kill Tony t-shirt. It's still in stock. It's almost sold out. Go to shopsquad.tv. Again, shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt. He also has some Death Squad shirts and some hats and some fidget spinners.

Check it out. ShopSquad.TV. All right. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hi, everybody. Make some fucking noise.

Come on. Make noise. You getting your food. Make noise. You in the corner. Make noise. Comedians, make some fucking noise. Look how much better the comedians are than you peasants.

Fucking rock. Call yourselves a fucking audience. I'll hope that you get better. Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world. Look who it is. It's the great Brian Redman. What's up, guys? And everybody.

The great Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. The house artist while you all sit there being lazy an actual artist is drawing a picture of tonight's episode. Incredible. We are live streaming. Everything's out. If you follow us on Twitter or social media those links are out right now. We are streaming live in VR

360 globally. Which is good because this is a very global episode we have for you tonight. I'm pumped about a lot of things, Brian. Brian's watching the live stream right now. This weekend, I go to the Denver Comedy Works. For those of you listening to the live stream right now, Denver Comedy Works and a lot of other fun places coming up.

Next Friday, we are in Boston. Kill Tony is in Boston doing the Boston Comedy Festival. I'm really excited about that. Austin Cap City I'm in doing stand-up after that. Sunnyvale, California. Rooster Teeth Feathers. I've done that place before. I'm going back there again. I'm doing

La Jolla November 10th and 11th at the Comedy Store making my long-awaited return to San Diego. But catch us in Boston next week doing Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. Blasted. Week one is in the books for the NFL, guys. The NFL ended this week.

How about, or started this week. It just began, and week one is in the books. But it's not too late to get closer to the game you love with DraftKings. One week fantasy football. This Sunday, DraftKings is hosting a $100,000 Pick'Em contest that is totally free to enter. Pick'Em is the newest way to play one week fantasy football. Drafting your team is faster than ever. DraftKings is organized into eight tiers. All you have to do is select one player from each tier. Choose between public contests with big cash prizes or private contests where you can compete

against a group of your friends. DraftKings also has beginner and casual contests where you will play against people of similar skill level. The best part is you get to draft a new team each week without any commitment. So go to DraftKings.com now and use promo code CHANT to play in DraftKings' free contest with $100,000 in total prizes this Sunday. That's promo code CHANT, C-H-A-N-T,

to compete for your share of $100,000 in total prizes. The contest is totally free to enter. Why wouldn't you try? The game inside the game. Eligibility restrictions apply. See DraftKings.com for details. One more question for this audience. You want to look good in your underwear and be comfortable, right? But that perfect balance is hard to find. Don't sacrifice style or comfort. Check out MeUndies.com and find the best pair of underwear in the world. MeUndies will be the most comfortable pair of underwear you will own.

Made from a sustained... Sustainably sourced. All right. Naturally soft fabric that is three times softer than cotton. Ultimate feel-good undies for when you want to feel naked but not be naked. For the fellas, MeUndies' diamond-sealed pouch cradles your jewels and gives you your stuff, the support it needs, without feeling too tight. Ladies will love the soft, eco-friendly fabric, so soft and touchable.

It's a 100% satisfaction guarantee. They guarantee you will love your undies or your money back. Right now, MeUndies has an exclusive offer just for our listeners. Get 20% off your first pair and free shipping. Dude, I liked it so much that I actually used that coupon code and bought some for my girlfriend. I saw that. You periscoped it. Yeah, I periscoped it.

That's how much I like it. And MeUndies is so sure you'll love their underwear that they will even give you 100% satisfaction guarantee. You order a pair, and if you don't love your first pair, get a full refund. This is a no-brainer to try. 20% off, free shipping, and a 100% satisfaction guarantee. What are you waiting for? To get 20% off, free shipping, and 100% satisfaction guarantee. To get the best and softest underwear you will ever own,

go to MeUndies.com slash kill. That's MeUndies.com slash kill. This is a limited time offer. So what are you waiting for? Start wearing the best underwear of your life. It changed my life. It's time to let me undies change yours. Go to meundies.com slash kill right now. Are you guys ready to start tonight's motherfucking episode? Every single week, I guarantee you that I always have my funniest friends on this show. Always the best comedians in the world. This week is no different.

Put your hands together for Greg Fitzsimmons, Moshe Kesher, and Jimmy Carr. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit Yes, the great and powerful Here everybody, scoot down a few inches I don't want Greg to be that close to strangers that get pulled out of the bucket Yeah, Moshe, keep coming, let's go tight Hi guys, welcome, Jimmy Carr is back everybody that close to strangers that get pulled out of the bucket. Yeah, Moshe, keep coming. Let's go tight. Hi, guys.

Welcome. Jimmy Carr is back, everybody. Global superstar. Yeah. I mean, I feel, as we all do, I think we all agree we're better than this. That's true. I agree as well. I am so happy that I have the kind of reputation to be able to book you guys somehow on a big live podcast that's not scripted,

not produced, and anything can happen. Well, he was running that We're Better Than This line to me backstage. He was wondering how it worked. And it worked really well. It was good, Jamie. It worked. Moshe Kesher, you're back. You just got back from Burning Man? Just back from Burning Man, yeah.

Literally and figuratively. Where were you when the guy threw himself in the fire? I wasn't there. You know, I've been going to Burning Man for such a long time that once in a while... Can I pause there for a second? Sorry, I thought Burning Man was a thing, but someone actually threw themselves on a fire. Yeah, yeah. That is a really literal...

Yeah. Who the fuck did that? Some guy that was... Tibetan? A Tibetan guy, yeah. They can't. They have a couple drinks and they just do it. Was he pleased?

I mean, I would imagine his face lit up. There's a series of photos of the guy going in and you really see an emotional arc. It's really sad, but you see an emotional arc because the first photo he's clearly still in the mode where the drugs are telling him there's a real good secret for him in the fire. He's really into it.

He's like, I will be the father of dragons. And then the second photo, he's totally sober. It's only one second later, but he's in the fire going like, oh, fuck, terrible idea. And then the third... He was a baby. And then the third... He was a baby. And then the third is a German police officer from World War II that comes in the rest of the season.

I love it. Red Band, the comedy killer. There he is. Greg Fitzsimmons, everything's fun with you. I had an absolute blast having you on my big crazy show. We sold out the main room last week. I had an absolute blast having you on my big crazy show. We sold out the main room last week.

I did an hour with after Greg and Rogan and a bunch of other people. That was fun. That was a hot crowd. You were unbelievable. Thank you. It's always good to be in the main room because you can look around at all of these neon faces of people that you don't recognize.

It's crazy, right? I mean, I get the Marx Bros, but who are these two characters back here? I think that is that there is George Wendt from Cheers. Are you serious? No. Seems like it would be like a Soupy Sales or something.

To the listener at home, the visual references are fucking murdering right now. Yeah, exactly. You might not think you know what's going on. You guys have all been guests on the show. I think most of the comedians know how it works. I know for a fact there was a lot of new names that signed up tonight.

I got that report from the name-cutter guy. You don't know the name of the name-cutter guy. Oh, the name-cutter guy is Josh Martin, the newest paid regular at the Comedy Store. He's around here somewhere running around. The producer of Kill Tony. But for those audience members that might not know how it works, over 50 or 60 people,

I do believe, signed up for this bucket tonight for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. We only get through so many of them, but they sign up before the show. They do 60 seconds. Comedians, maybe it's your first time. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Very good. You guys ready to start the show or what? Let's do this.

Lighting switch. Oh, yeah, we have a band. I almost forgot. I totally forgot about the band. I have so much DraftKings and MeUndies on the brain. Lights are back on. Lighting switch deactivated. I love these guys with all my heart.

Truly, truly three of the funniest human beings I know. You know them from this show every single week. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez, The Kill, Tony, Bam! Oh, my God. Immediately one of my favorite ever. Wow. I would argue that's in very good taste. For the audio listeners, they're dressed up as hurricanes,

and they spit water out, and they threw leaves around. They made a bunch of noise. Jeremiah has lightning bolts. They might be the most adorable outfits they've ever worn. I'm such a positive thinker. Before I saw the name tags, I thought you were just Fall. I thought you were Autumn. And then you turn around, and he is wearing a fucking Hurricane Katrina name tag.

Yeah, they have a Katrina, an Irma, and Jose. I've never heard of Hurricane Jose. It's in route. Jose is currently blowing right now. You almost didn't bring us out. I can't believe it. That was a natural disaster. I love it. We're all, everything's in place now.

You guys ready to start the show or what? Let's do this! Lighting switch, lighting switch. Pew, pew, pew. All right, here we go. Kill Tony is about to begin. In uninterrupted 60 seconds goes to your first comedian who goes by the lucky name of

Jay Whitaker. I'm a single parent with joint custody, so I also qualify as a hostage negotiator. My son, he wants to be an engineer when he grows up, and I think that shit's dope, because dad tells dick jokes for a living. He wants to be an engineer. That's cool. But it looks like when we get together, we draw our little cool drawings of space shuttles and aircraft. But if you look at his drawings, it doesn't look like he wants to be an engineer. It looks more like

he wants to be a urologist. Because all of his shuttles look like a penis. Like, how do I parent that? How do I support that? I'm supposed to be his father and encourage and develop that childhood development. I don't want to deter it in any way, shape, or form.

So I got to be super supportive. I got these dick shuttles on my fridge, y'all. But who am I to judge? We might be on to something. Maybe with the bigger balls and bigger rockets and boosters, it might fly faster into deep space. I don't know.

I don't understand science. Whatever. That might be an old man in Cape Canaveral, Florida, someday, sitting there talking about, you see that in the sky? My son designed that right there. That's a USS Penetrator right there. Jay Whitaker. How's it going? You can stay up.

Now we talk to you for a bit. Yeah, this is fascinating. So, hang on, you're a divorced parent? Yeah. Okay. It's been fun chatting. Like 15 years ago. Shit happened.

Okay. And now I came here from Salt Lake City, which is already weird. We already knew you were from Salt Lake just by looking at you. We were like, this is a Utah guy right here. Classic. I'm used to y'all white people, man. Which one of your wives did you break up with? That's why he couldn't quite answer the yes to being divorced.

He's like, to whom? I'm divorced from one of them, but I'm still very married. The great thing about the Mormons is you've got options. I mean, yeah, that's what we're after. Well, you're not a Mormon, though, right? Jimmy's confused. In England, they just drink more gin and fucking fight it out

they don't break up sounds like a good time I also don't have a space program so he's unclear on that as well take that motherfucker go back to where

you came from you moved to LA you're different yeah MAGA Shane Smith who was on here before

he told me to come on how long have you lived here? I used to live here way back in the day I was born and raised in Glendale shout out G-Spot G-Spot? so Glendale is like about two inches in and then back

I don't know, I feel like I've been there but never been there it's true I can never find it I drive around been there. I can never find it. I drive around for hours and I can never find it. No, but if you go there, you will notice that sometimes in some areas it smells like assholes too. So that's great. I don't even think it exists.

Seems like black guys find it easier. What do you do for a living, Jay? I also work in the military. I work cyber security. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. That's what brought me out to Utah. Burying the lead guy over here.

I also work in the military. Can I just double check? Is it the U.S. military? Yes, the military. Thank God for that. I thought for a horrible second you were going to go, yeah, I'm with the Islamic State. It's going to grow well.

No, no, no. Happy 9-11, everybody. Jay, you might be the only guy that I've ever seen that works cyber security that could also work actual security. Well, thank you. How long have you been doing that? 14 years. That's originally what brought me out to Salt Lake.

So is that IT then? Yeah. And do you find that turns the ladies on and then turns them off again? Nah man, it really doesn't Because everybody always wants to know You must fly planes or do some combat And I'm like nah man, I basically make sure my commander can get on Instagram That's pretty much it

How old's your kid? He's 10 He's in Salt Lake City? Yeah That's where the baby mama is? Nah, well I mean, I have an ex-wife. No, she's in the foundation of my house right now. That's why I'm no longer in Utah.

I wish I had a baby mama. That shit is less binding. Paperwork. Oh, you mean she's an ex-wife, not a baby mama. Yeah, she's an ex-wife. There's more paperwork involved. So she's bound. Real niggas know that shit. What'd you say? Real niggas know that shit. Would you say?

Real niggas know that shit. That's exactly what I was about to say. Exactly. You beat me too. It was coming out of my mouth. And I was like, okay, he's got it. I was going to say

some of those words. That's weird because backstage when it's just the three white of us, we said that word a lot. Can I ask what you... I don't have children, but it's an amazing responsibility and thing to do.

What did you... You've got this child. What did you call the child? What did you go... His name's Dante. Dante. That's a great name. Love that.

Dante's an inferno. He's going to be... Typical name. Typical name. Jay, you seem like a pretty tough guy. What scares you? Balloons. Balloons?

Real shit. Whoa. Real shit. What kind of balloons? Wait, you're in the military, dude? Weather balloons, okay? I'll fight terrorism as long as they don't have one balloon. I'm out of there.

If this was World War I, we'd be fucked. Surprisingly, the comedy store is scratching their head on the Hindenburg reference. Our friend Bert Kreischer is also scared of balloons. You blow one up, he freaks out. Where do you think that comes from?

I was five years old. Wow, holy shit. Not even an um. I have to explain this shit all the time because I've gone on first dates and somebody asked me a very similar question. Held five balloons. My hand was my birthday.

Then I let it go and it hit one of those sprinkler things and they all just pop, pop, pop. It just fucked me up for life. Oh, my God. Whoa, that's a story you tell on a first date? Yeah. I heard five loud noises. I'm 34 and single, just turned. What's up?

Wow. You sure the fear isn't coming from when you had sex, and the condom broke, and you had your sex? No, that shit feels amazing. You know what they call that? They call that the Dante pop I hope he's listening right now

has there ever been a time where you've been out and you've seen a balloon and it like freaks you out like it really yeah

has it ever backfired on anything have any of your military guys ever hear about this they know this shit they fuck with me all the time about it wow

it's kind of a thing Tuesdays, usually. And you're single, huh? Yeah. What's dating life like for a guy like you? I don't do it. I'd rather work, to be honest. Damn. I'm trying to hustle. Interesting. You know what that's like

for four not good-looking guys to look at a guy as good-looking as you and know that you're just not interested? What a fucking waste. Oh, there's five people up here so he thinks one of us is hot. That's cool. And I'm assuming it's me.

But we're all good looking, god damn it. Maybe not Red Band, but we're all good looking. Jesus Christ. I love you. No, I'm sorry. You're the one that's married. So Jay, what's the most recent date that you went on? You like working more than hooking up with girls, but doesn't that ever build up?

You jerk off a lot? No, I fuck. You can stick wet, you know? I fuck a balloon. I face my fears. I drive to Utah. I fuck a balloon. How do you pick up most drive to Utah. I fuck a balloon. How do you pick up most of the chicks

that you hook up with? Very carefully. Cybersecurity? Does that ever come into play? Do condoms scare you? Oh, God. I have both. I'm not the type to really go out on a date date.

Do fake tits scare you? Oh, Joel Burks. I don't like fake titties. Why would fake titties scare me? Well, they're balloons. Also, condoms are kind of balloons. I get it. So if somebody blows up a condom and throws it at you, is that the same?

Probably. Jay, how long have you been doing stand-up? About six years. And all in Salt Lake City? All in Salt Lake City. How long have you been here again? I've Is that the same? Probably. Really? Jay, how long have you been doing stand-up? About six years. And all in Salt Lake City? All in Salt Lake City. How long have you been here again? Yeah, did we work together or something? We hung out at a Mexican restaurant or something? Yeah, with my pops,

which was fucking weird. Oh, that's right. I met your dad. That's so funny. He handed me four balloons and said, if you ever need to shake Jay, just wave this at him. Your dad does not like you. No, I remember you now. That's cool. Well, Jay, it was your first time on the show, right?

I didn't expect to get up. Dreams really do come true. There he goes, Jay Whitaker, ladies and gentlemen. Excellent. Very nice to meet you. He's on Twitter. Thank you for your service. It's Jay Whitaker. W-H-I-T-T-A-K-E-R.

Jay Whittaker. Well, I think he learned a lot about his comedy tonight. Hurricanes, how you guys doing over there? Ooh, frustrated. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. Uninterrupted 60 seconds goes to Mary Bequette.

Bequette? Well, I've been depressed, you guys, because I recently turned 50. Thank you. Especially because by recently, I mean like within the last ten years, my Facebook feed is nothing but fucking, you know,

gravestones and depends and that female Viagra. Have you heard of that? That shit is dangerous. I tried it, like I slid right out of my car. So I'm an accountant during the day. At night, I'm a comic. I know, I sound Jewish, don't I? I'm not, but I do have a difficult time when I have to add things by hand,

because I'm missing a finger. Right, like right away, the best I'm gonna do is like 90% accuracy. Wow. Mary, right? Mary. Mary, I thought that was incredible. Give me four.

Oh, Mary. The million dollar question. Let's just jump right into it. What happened to the finger? Oh, I cut it off of the table saw. Wow. Can we ask why? Somebody was using the handsaw.

Yeah. Somebody was using the handsaw That's a lesson you learned That's very good Because my mom encouraged me To do stuff like carpentry But I wasn't cut out for it No I'm sorry Oh it was when you were young?

I was 18 years old Thank god you're hot What if you were ugly with only one finger? You know what I mean? She's good looking. Yeah, she's very good looking. Totally. I thought everybody would have appreciated it, but everybody...

I did not. Do you ever... I mean, are there any gags that you can do with it? I do a lot. That is my funniest stuff. I was just getting started, you guys. Really? You found a guy who was really paranoid about anal play,

and then you're like, look, it's easy. I've got one in there right now. And you're like, actually, no. And then you fist him, and you're like, it sucks. I know. He doesn't like it. He didn't put stuff up his butt. Oh, you're married.

Yeah. Okay. How long have you been married? I've been married 25 years. Oh. Awesome. Wow. Did you do anything special for the 25th anniversary?

She got the haircut of a Shih Tzu? That's an angry hurricane over there. No, we went to Italy. Oh, awesome. Very cool. Is he here? No, he's at home asleep right now Okay, so listen

I want to tell you a few things No, I was just going to fuck with you Since your husband wasn't here I think you are I can't get over that you're I think you look good I think you look real good Damn

How's everything? There is RDK, Rod Dogg Cash I keep thinking about that Viagra thing And that little stream Getting you out of that Benzo out into the streets of, I'm going to assume, Studio City. There is something really hot about you.

I can't quite put my finger on it. Fuck, yeah. You remind me of one of my favorite books. You remind me of one of my favorite books. Did someone just order chicken fingers? That's, come on. Guys. That's not going to work. No, they're cutlets.

Those are just cutlets, Jimmy. They are looking good here. I can put it up my nose. Like if I put my finger up my nose. Whoa, I just got a boner and there's a lot of upsides a hand job you get 20% longer right

heck yeah were you surprised when you lost your finger how old were you when you lost your finger no I pretty much expected it I've been using the table so a No, I pretty much expected it. I've been using the table saw a while, and I was bad at it, I'll be honest. It seems shocking. There's no way anybody saw that coming.

Okay, I have two questions. Firstly, they didn't reattach the finger. That's unusual. Well, it was a long time ago. Did you just end up building? You just continued and nailed it right into something? No, it was a table saw, so it just went... Why did they reattach it? I mean, you're not that old.

But it was cut up by a saw. You know how a saw makes sawdust? Okay, second thing. Second question, and you may have already answered it in that detail. Did you keep the finger? Where is it now? No, they kept it. Oh, you should have had it in a pouch like Davos Seaworth, you know?

On some Game of Thrones shit. My curse. Do they make little Play-Doh ones or something like that? Something for you to... They do, but I don't really want one. And then you're an accountant by day. Have you considered, and it's just a thought, but Japanese mafia? No.

It feels like the Yakuza would really admire someone like you. Oh, you think that you get the finger cut off when you join the Yakuza? No, it's the other way around. You cut a finger off, that makes you Yakuza. Joelberg. I got a real question. Do you still feel like it's there? Sometimes I do, yeah.

Do you have that phantom limbs? Yeah, I do sometimes. And it itches, and there's nothing you can do. I'm like that with my hair. Yeah. I don't think I quite got an answer. How long ago did you lose the finger? When I was 18.

18. 30 years ago. Gotcha. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up like six years. You have kids? No. No? I don been doing stand-up like six years. You have kids? No. Now? I don't know. It's analogous to kids.

Oh, good ones. That was a really good first half of a joke. I had a dog, but I only have cats now. Oh, well, it's rather sad at the end there, isn't it? Jesus. Well, it just wasn't satisfied with the petting experience, so it left home. It's like, one more finger. This doesn't feel

complete. Thank you! Oh my gosh, the cat. Mary, why is your husband already asleep? It's only 8.43. He's a chef, so he has to wake up really early in the morning. Where's he a chef at? He's a culinary instructor at the

Art Institute in North Hollywood, so he teaches young in the morning. Where's he a chef at? He's a culinary instructor at the Art Institute in North Hollywood. So he teaches young chefs. Wow. That's nice. Does he make you dinner before he goes to sleep? Sometimes. I have to wait until I get up. I don't think he's good because I think if he was good, you would be fat.

He is always trying to make me fat, but that pisses me off. Did he like when you took the female Viagra? He does, yes. Did it work? Yes. What does it do? It just makes you horny? No.

Or it makes your dick hard? I don't understand how. It's actually just lube. It's lube? Whoa, what a bait and switch. Lube is pretty fancy. I mean, I just, what's the matter with, I mean. I'm on a budget here, come on.

Yeah, but when she does that, it falls right down onto the street. That's got a name. That's called Australian charm. Oh, my God. Do you have any special hobbies or skills or anything that you do when you're not accounting or doing stand-up? I do. I'm a pilot. I have my pilot's license.

Really? Cool. Like airplanes? Yeah. Wow. But then before you get in the plane, how do you know which way the wind is blowing? Yeah, that was brilliant. That's so funny, but also so crude,

because it's like a pilot really does that to know, all right, we can take off. I'm not going to use any of these meters today. I'm going to go with the old finger wind test. What kind of plane do you fly? I just fly single engine, you know, Warriors. Oh, you don't have to tell us. Is it like John Travolta?

Are you repressing homosexuality? How did you get into flying? I just like because you can really concentrate on it, so you stop worrying, and I can be really obsessive, and I like it because there's checklists, so you can just be really careful, and then it's fun. I like it. I mean, another obvious question, have you ever

fucked your husband in one of those little planes? Never. You ever put it on autopilot? That would be dangerous. You gotta get those hours in so you can get to an autopilot plane so you can finally bang that chef. Before you go, can I get the digits?

All nine of them are... Oh my god. He gets to play his own rim shot. He gave himself a rim shot. Well, Mary. What a pleasure. You're very, very awesome. Thank you.

Yeah, we liked it. Give her a hand, everybody. Literally. Mary Bequette. At Bequette. S-Q-B we liked it. Give her a hand, everybody. Literally. Mary Bequette. At Bequette. S-Q-B-E-C-Q-U-E-T. S-Q. Follow her on Twitter,

where she only has 139 characters she can use. Hopefully her flight manual is never missing its index. You know what I mean, guys? Sometimes I just can't turn it off. Hey, look who it is. It's Kill Tony celebrity Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. For you Kill Tony fans. Yeah, I like that.

Fucking make some noise for Danny up there in the bird's nest, too, always. Always has our back. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Uninterrupted, 60 seconds. Goes to Josh Sud? Suede? Sud. Here he comes.

We got a runner. Come on, Josh. Maybe like... Thank you. So, can you guys imagine, like, if you were the first doctor, like, way back in the day, and you delivered, like, the first set of twin babies? You'd kill one of them, right? That would be the logical thing as a doctor back then to do. I think even the parents would be like, fucking Rochambeau.

First we gotta teach him. We'll just flip a coin. No, someone told me after I first did that. Can I just... Doesn't that sound like the aliens from Galaxy Quest that are like, ha, ha, ha! No.

I found out that we actually used to kill twin babies back in the day. That's something that actually, I told that joke and someone was like, oh, I'll have you know. And I was like, oh, I'll have you know. And I was like, oh! Thank you. Thank you, guys. 55 seconds from Josh

Sood. I wonder what you would have talked about the other 35 seconds had Jimmy not laughed so aggressively. It's just crazy that your final punchline was a callback to Jimmy Carr's laugh. I did not see that coming.

So you had a minute and you thought Dwarf, killing twins was the way to go. It's a really strong, it's an interesting choice. I like the choices that you've made. I don't regret it. Why would he kill the twins?

Because I feel like we were superstitious back then, right? When you say back in the day, normally when people say back in the day, they mean like the 90s. Hey, we used to do some crazy shit back in the day. I mean the early 90s. I mean the Spin Doctors were a band that was successful. They were crazy. Remember, we used to kill twins. early 90s. I mean the Spin Doctors were a band that was successful. They were crazy. Remember, we used to kill twins. Not 90 BCE.

I'm not sure whether we did used to kill twins. I think in China you still do. If they're born, right? If it's a girl, yeah. If it's a girl, you've got to get rid of one. So talk me through the logic of that. Exactly. I feel like we missed out

let's go step by step when you say back in the day when do you think twins started when was the first set of twins were born take a guess at it I want to hear your guess you have glasses you look smart I'm going to be honest I don't like you and I'll tell you why because you're like good looking and muscular

but you're dressed like you are a nerd. And, like, as a person that is sort of enfeebled and beglacid, I see that as a personal attack on me as a human being. You know what I mean? Like, I can see your fucking big old muscles and your hot, thick dick from here, and it's like... I appreciate it. Nobody appreciates it. You know what I mean?

You know you're not gay, right? Yeah, no. I mean, You know you're not gay, right? Yeah, no. I mean, no, I'm not gay, but if a guy wears tapered pants like that... No, I hate his pants. I hate his pants. He has no socks, and he has... Tapered?

Like a raincoat. Yeah. To his pants. I'm super interested in your... I would like you to write a book about the history of humanity. The idea of the first twins. Are you one of these people that believe the world is like

6,000 years old or something crazy? No, no, no. I just cashed in. So when do you think... Give us a year for the first twins. Go ahead. Take a shot at it. First twins has to be... It's 5,000 B.C.? Ooh.

That's the most mental answer I've ever... Yeah, yeah. It's a true guess. Your knowledge of science. Do you work for Trump? What the fuck are you talking about? It's true. It could have been a worse answer.

No. There are no worse answers. And also, the first doctor to deliver twins would have... Why would you kill... What's the right answer? Well, the first doctor to deliver twins would have... Why would you kill... What's the right answer? Well, the truth is, the first twin probably came before the first doctor. You know, they probably didn't invent

medical school, and then they were like, whoa, freaky! I actually think, I think what's happening here is that you made fun of Jimmy's laugh, and he doesn't like you either. No, I like the laugh. I'm interested. Moshe's racking up super points right now.

You hear that sound. You know Moshe is beating the game. I do think the premise is actually kind of funny. The first time you saw, I mean, you have to suspend disbelief, but the first time you saw two babies that looked alike, but then again, all babies look alike, so it's kind of problematic.

Yeah, the joke's bad. So in 5000, what do you think created twins? What was the difference that twins just started happening in 5000? Maybe the sun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when the sun was invented as well, actually. The sun causes most of the problems.

Now, we know Moshe hates Josh. The sun makes the jizz expand. We have a theory Moshe hates Josh. The sun makes the jizz expand. We believe that... That's twice the impotency. We have a theory that Jimmy hates Josh. I'm interested to hear what Greg Fitzsimmons thinks about Josh. Josh could beat the fuck out of me. So I'm going to go easy on him.

No, I hate his pants. But I actually like the joke. I like the premise of the joke. I thought it was something that I could see happening like leeches and weird shit like that in medical history. I bought it. I thought that you could have gone a little further

like maybe check a Wikipedia page if you're going to write the joke. Now Josh, I want to cover something Moshe brought up earlier. There's something extremely nerdy about you and there's also something like athletically douchey about you. What is the crossover? Can you tell us some nerdy things about you?

Oh, don't pretend like you have to think that hard. No, I mean, I played sports growing up in high school. What sports? Basketball. I thought you were going to say Quidditch. That's my boy Patty Reagan over there. Whatever. What do you do for a living?

I work for the studios. You do? I take it back. I think you're cool, man. I was kidding around. I'm looking for a laugh sometimes. No, no, no, Moshe. It's Universal Studios. The Walk. I work for The Walk. What's studio?

It's mainly like photo shoots and stuff, but I jump around from like the art department or I might drive like an RV, like a motorhome. Oh, you know what? Go fuck yourself, man. RV driving motherfucker. Back to douche town. You went from Mr. Hollywood to a van

driver so quick. So quick. I work for the studios. You know, Hollywood. Driving a van. If you did something important, you wouldn't just casually like, ah, studios. You'd probably say your position or something. I think everyone bigs up their role

in the world. I used to, myself, I used to work as an underwater ceramic engineer. Washing up. Josh, tell us Tell us something How often do you work out? Like five days a week We're not on a first date, you know that, right? Do you look like

Why do you look like you read when you're lifting weights? I don't Well, I actually just got these glasses today Oh Can we see you without the glasses? Wait do you need glasses? Wow hell yeah you do Oh you're beautiful

You're better looking without the glasses You just got the glasses today And you need them So what was happening last week in your life? But they keep getting dry And it's just a pain in the ass. You can get female Viagra for that. Right, grab the last comic and just squeeze her.

Mary won't mind. She's very liberal. Mary's so nice, she'll even put your contacts in for you with her little nub, just one at a time. Are you like a big fuck guy? You seem like you probably are. You're probably like a big promiscuous kind of womanizer dude. No, not really. My sex life

is pretty not exciting right now. Oh, really? Oh, some girls are like available. Girls are moaning. Would you ever hook up with Aphrodite? You see Aphrodite right here? This big voluptuous... Is that your type?

I gave up drinking like a year ago. That! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! I don't know how Brian always has that ready for her, but... That is head and shoulders. Head and shoulders, the funniest thing you said.

Yeah. Work out a way to make that into a joke. That was brilliant. He's like, I gave up drinking like a year ago. You know, when the second twins arrived. Is that really true? Did you really give up drinking a year ago? Yeah.

Why is that? I was just partying way too much. What happened like the night when you got your shit together? Rock bottom. We want to hear about rock bottom. Aphrodite, were you involved? What did you sleep with a nine? I slept with a nine. I ate

tons of carbs and I'm like, I can't live like this anymore. I'm going to Urban Outfitters to get some fake glasses, frames, and some tapered pants. I'm going to change my life. Are you in a program? What? Are you in a program? What?

Are you in a program? In the beginning, I went to meetings and stuff, but then I like Smoke Pot and stuff, so they aren't really about that at all. Are you aware you're not singing a song with an indie band right now? Arms wide open. Yeah, I used to smoke pot. Where are you from originally?

Here, actually. What do your parents do? My mom's a graphic designer and my dad... Drives a van. You're about to lie right now. No, he owns like a small eyeglass company. Eyeglasses? Did you get your glasses from him?

Whoa! You may know my father. His name's Oliver Peoples. Mr. Warby Parker himself. Is he a big eyeglass guy? No, it's like, it's a smaller company. I'm just not a huge fan. Why?

Of your father. What? That's the most understated family dysfunctional statement of all time. Yeah. I'm just not a big fan of my dad. Well, because he's not passionate about the frames. It's like you find out... I'm coming around on this, dude.

Yeah. My problem with you is you don't know why you're funny. Yes. You've said two very funny things totally inadvertently. He's not passionate about the frames. What's your problem with your dad? He used to abuse me when I was a kid. What's your problem with your dad?

He's not passionate about eyeglasses. It's amazing. What do you mean he's not passionate about the frames? So with optometrists, there's the Medicare. It's like the budget frames that you just get. So you find a place in Hong Kong that sells really cheap frames, and you're like, all right, those are cool and trendy enough to sell to optometrists. So it's just a business thing.

Couldn't you have gotten contacts from him? What? There's no frames involved in contacts. Well, he had contacts up until last week. Oh, yeah, all right, take it back, all right. If I owned an optometrist, like a shop that sold glasses, I would make them do the shop sign in a really blurry font. They do. That's actually really popular in optometry advertisements.

Really? Wait, you know so— Out-of-focus advertisements. Oh, interesting. Dude, it sounds like you have an eye for the business. I'd go in there and fire you. I have a question. Does your dad—how does your dad—you don't support your dad's eyeglasses business.

Does your dad support your comedy? Yeah, what's his frame of mind? He snuck into it. Tony, congratulations. Come on, come on, focus, focus. No, he's in 2020. He's supportive. Well, hindsight is 2020. Yeah, that's supportive. Well, hindsight is 20-20.

Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. I think we lost them. Does your dad wear glasses? Yeah, he does. Is your dad available to do Kill Tony? He'd probably do it. Really?

He might. Well, I'll tell you something. You got a lot to work against. It is hard, I think, to be good looking, I can tell you this, and go into stand-up comedy. But you can overcome it.

You can overcome it. How long have you been on stand-up? About two years in October. Oh, it's next month, yeah. Is the twin thing brand new? Yeah. Oh, okay.

All right. No, no, no. I'm not dissing. I agree with Greg. It's a premise that could be really good. It needs to go more whimsical, but I think it's interesting

that you've been doing it for two years and you couldn't do a minute. But now that I know that it's a new joke, I understand it's not finished. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. I get one issue I'm having is just getting bored of my stuff really quickly. Oh, me too. Yeah, I don't know. I get one issue I'm having is just getting bored of my stuff really quickly. Oh, me too. Yeah, I'm on board. Wait, you get bored of your stuff? No. No, no.

I think that thing, though, of having, I'm sure you have five minutes. If you've been doing it a couple of years, you have a great five minutes. Open with your strongest stuff. Work in the new one. Work in the crazy killing children joke

once they've warmed a little would be my serious advice. I have trouble maintaining the enthusiasm with the older material. No, no, no. What I'm saying, though, is the thing that I just said,

do that. Yep. And there he goes. Josh Sood. Is it he goes. Josh Sood? Is it Sood? Josh Sood, S-U-D-E. He's on Twitter at Josh Sood, all one word, S-U-D-E.

Fuck yeah. Live audience, you guys having fun out there, huh? The number one live podcast in the world on a Monday, having more fun than everybody else. All right, here's another name. Put your hands together for Dave Yates.

Another human being. Here he comes. I just found out how old I was today. I am accidentally sit on my balls years old. Yeah. That's 31, if you're keeping track.

And I know it's hard to tell because I still dress like I did a kickflip in the parking lot. I went this way the whole time. But being 31, I don't have any kids. And everybody I grew up with in Illinois has a bunch of kids.

I was talking to a friend back home. He's like, yeah, I got five kids now. I'm like, you have five kids? Like, I haven't even loved five people. How the fuck do you love all those kids, you know? I was back home. I was following behind a minivan. And the license plate said, dad of 12. And I'm like, that dude's pull-out game is atrocious. And I'm surprised that van wasn't heading to the lake.

Some of you guys are oohing in the back, like these fictitious kids in this fake van from Illinois. Thanks, guys. Dave Yates. You know what's so funny about that is it was like a prove-out of Jimmy Carr's theory of comedy. Do a few good jokes before you kill the children in the joke, and it will work. It worked. You're all welcome, everyone.

You're welcome. I thought that was great. What was the phrase? I always think with comedy, it's like sometimes it's about the joke, and sometimes it's about great phrasing. And his pull-out game is atrocious. It's just a great phrase. Thanks. Did you see that in California?

No, back home in Illinois. Yeah. Pay attention, Tony. How long have you been in L.A.? Since April. Since April. You live here now. Yes.

That's very cool. You just moved here by yourself? Yep. He just had this vibe, didn't he, when he came out, like, I'm a comedian. That was the vibe I got. He was funny before. Yeah. What are you doing for a living?

Right. I got fired recently, so just Postmates. Where'd you get fired from? Wow, a huge fan of Postmates over there. It's the same person that was down to fuck the last comedian. Where'd you get fired from? Wow, a huge fan of Postmates over there. It's the same person that was down to fuck the last comedian. I was working for a rehab center, and I had to switch my shifts to do some comedy shows,

and they fired me because I switched my shifts. Sorry, and the real story is you sold them what? You sold them what kind of drugs? Crack. Crack, yeah, that's the thing. Real big back in Illinois. Wait, you worked in a substance abuse rehab center? Yeah.

And so these were people that were just coming off it and had to be housed? Yeah, like outpatient. You're not sober, though. Yeah, over five years sober. Oh, really? Whoa, but you still have the whole, like, I am a drug addict vibe. That's cool.

Yeah, I saw what happened to the last guy, so I'm like, I'm not doing my sober material. No, you can. I mean, you really stuck with the look thanks and I admire that but five years sober is a great thing so have you got kind of obsessed by comedy now yeah that's yeah that's it's pretty true like it tends to

be that thing though if you've got that addictive personality you find something else to love it's like the only thing in the world where it's like you wake up after like like a shitty night of drinking I'm sorry. Sorry about that. It's the same thing with a bad set. I don't fuck. Why am I doing this to myself?

And they're like, oh shit, I'm going to go try to do Kill Tony. Oh, that's interesting. It's like you're chasing a good high. I never thought of it like that. That's interesting. What were your drugs of choice? I was an alcoholic. Just straight up? No drugs? No, I was like a garbage can. I would do any drugs you had. Oh, okay. There we go. Oh, was an alcoholic. Just straight up? No drugs? No, I was like a garbage can. I would do

any drugs you had. Oh, okay. There we go. Oh, just an alcoholic. Garbage can. He got offended. Are you fucking kidding me? No. I'm a crack addicted piece of shit, Tony. How dare you, Tony Hitchcock? I'm not sure about Tony's line of questioning there. I was an

alcoholic. Was that all? Is that not enough yeah this is the comedy story you gotta go deeper than that but I have spent some time in the program myself and I found that a lot of people got their start in comedy by standing up

and qualifying because it's the greatest fucking audience in the world is that kind of what got you started no I started like I started comedy as a way to curb my drinking. So I stopped drinking and started doing comedy. Oh, that's cool. And then you don't find it hard to not drink while you're at comedy clubs all the time? No, man.

It's just like I look at it like this. I'm just allergic to that shit. Yeah. I just don't fuck with it. What else have you noticed other than comedy is something that distracts you from that that you're passionate about? Music. I travel

around seeing a lot of live shows. You do? You sing? I see you got a Grateful Dead shirt on. Thanks for noticing. I always notice. Usually I notice by the smell but for you I notice by the shirt. You sing? No, I'm just a patron of music.

Oh, gotcha. What other bands do you follow now that the dead is dead? Ween. Got it. That's a Ween song for those of you wondering. Shout out. Anything else? About me? I make and sell my own hot sauce.

What the fuck? Now we're talking. That's just what I call my cup. Too bad you're sober now, because you can make a run for the world's most interesting man campaign. I know, right? What's the name of your hot sauce? Ha-ha hot sauce.

What's the level? What's the... I'm in. I really like this guy. I think I know what you're selling after shows once you become a headliner. Oh, that's a good answer. Yeah, fuck yeah.

I sell this shit as a feature or a kill. What's the pepper level? I use the Carolina Reaper. Oh, shit. Yeah, but it's like I didn't make it so hot that you couldn't eat it because there's no repeat business in that. What hotel bathtub do you make it in? In Culver City, it's like my bungalow house bathtub. You make it for real at your house?

Yeah. That's so cool. It's not street legal. No bathtub. You make it for real at your house? Yeah. That's so cool. It's not street legal. It's not street legal. That's what you should call it. That's what you should call it, though. Not street legal. That's a great name for a hot sauce.

Right there. Sounds dangerous. Do you have any on you? He's got some on the shirt. You're already fucking up. All right, moving on. Jeremy, I actually bought a bottle from me. Really?

I'll buy a bottle. That's cool. I buy all my hot sauce from white guys, for sure. I go to the white guy first. I'm like, I trust this guy when it comes to hot sauce. Thanks. That's cool. What are you afraid of?

Dying. Really? Fucking Tony. How do you see yourself dying now that you're not on drugs, you don't drink? So how do you think you're gonna go? Probably a car accident in LA, you know? Like, yeah. What?

There you go, we have that sound effect. Probably not, you never go over 10 miles an hour here, so it's never that bad. Yeah. Interesting. I don't know know my first two months here, someone fucking clipped me and totaled my Honda. Like, first two months here, I totaled my car. Wow. Totaled the car, lost the job.

I was just getting the one-year L.A. beatdown that everybody talks about. Really? How many fingers did you lose in that accident? Piece of shit. Shit? Yeah. Hey, who's the band, what's the band you've seen the most times and how many times have you seen them?

Phish. Phish. Yeah. Were you in New York recently watching the Phish mega shows at the Garden? No, I wasn't, but I just was in Denver. I saw them three times in Denver last weekend. It's so cool to see a band that many times

that isn't good. That's cool. I like that. It's passion, baby. Yeah, that's true passion. How many times that isn't good. That's cool. I like that. It's passion, baby. Yeah, that's true passion. How many times have you seen them? 20. Wow.

Which is not really a lot compared to a lot of people. Yeah. Good Lord. But how do you watch fish without being high? That seems weird. I like to dance. Like, I don't know. Like, I dance around.

Really? Can you show us? If we played some fish right now, would you show us? Oh, no. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it, man. That's a little soft shoe. Oh, yeah.

A little bit of soft shoe. I get why you were an alcoholic. I have a number of comments to make My first comment there is When you dance your whole body is a question mark And it's asking Should I really be doing this right now

Well you know when people say Okay that dance was awful No you were amazing But you know that phrase they say Dance like there's nobody looking We were looking. No, you go by the phrase, dance like you've never seen what dancing looks like. The only thing missing was a cop and a taser there.

You dance like a death. We live in the glory days. No, Joie de vivre, man. This guy knows how to live. I think that's cool. I've been sober a long time, too. I went to raves for 10 years sober. I've been to Burning Man 20 times

sober. Moshe, can you show us your festival dance? Don't make the same mistake I did. I've been doing comedy too long to fall for that. I don't need these people's approval that much. How long have you done? What's your set? How long is it?

In comedy or sober? Comedy. I've been doing comedy almost seven years. What are you comfortable with? Would you like to try out the Ice House this Friday? Get some good luck? Whoa! Boom! Dave Yates. Curbs is drinking this Friday

at the Ice House. There you go, Dave Yates. He's on Twitter at Yates Comedy. Catch him at the Ice House Death Squad show 10 p.m. at the Ice House. There you go, Dave Yates. Keep dancing. He's on Twitter at Yates Comedy. Catch him at the Ice House Death Squad show, 10pm at the Ice House this Friday night. That's how it happens. Dreams come true. One second, you're

just a normal person in a bucket. The next, you're performing at the oldest comedy club in the world. Where only one person has ever shot their one hour special on Netflix. One shot. Still streaming. And it's still streaming

and it's still streaming. No, I thought you gave them a show in a strip club. I didn't realize. We are in for a special treat. I know this young lady. I've seen her around the comedy store now for a few months. I do believe this is her first time on this show. Put your hands

together for Leela Hart. The long walk from the corner of the room. Comedy Store Monday night. Make some fucking noise. What are you guys doing out there? Already good?

If you're wondering what kind of car I drive, you're right, it is a Mario Kart. Guys are always coming up to me, they're like, damn girl, you're fun size. And I'm like, really? Fun size? You think it's fun having to sit on a booster seat when I drive? The only thing fun about me is the fact that I can order from the kids menu, and I can suck a dick standing up. Is that fun or is that just convenient? I'm 4'6", 4'8", with heels, about the size of an L.A. parking meter. People are like, are you a midget?

And I'm like, no, I am Filipino. Thank you, I'm Lila Hart. Lila Hart. Lila Hart. Only 45 seconds. You even come in short on your time. Well done. That was awesome. Lila, am I saying that right?

Lila. Lila. Fuck yeah. One more time for Lila Hart, everybody. Thank you. It's your first time on the show, right? Yes, it is. That was good. Fuck yeah. That's just a shirt, right? Yes, it is. That was good.

That's just a shirt, right? Yeah, it's a shirt, but I just made it a dress. Yeah. I'm small. Yeah, no, I noticed. That's cool. So what is that? Oh, I bought this from him. Great question.

He has a hard-hitting question. It's just a, like, I guess it's a... Oh, I thought he was talking about you, not the jumper. Right, I was. Yeah, no, I'm back to you. If it's not... So it's not technically... Like, what makes a midget a midget?

What is that? Oh, jeez. What is this, over the line? What the fuck, Tony? What are you talking about? It's a live show. I'm asking a question. I think it's okay for Tony to ask

because I think he's one too. Yeah. I mean, I'm above average height, Jimmy, but okay, I guess. You're called transsexuals now, Tony. Okay, I'm not the kind of... Well, I do a lot of midget gigs and I did go to a party once

and the guy was like, this isn't the kind of midget I ordered. No, the short story. The short story. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold up. What do you mean a midget gigs and I did go to like a party once and the guy was like this isn't the kind of midget I ordered no the short really the short story wait wait wait wait hold up what do you mean a midget gig you know people hire midgets to like go to parties and stuff oh for real oh like this is like I'm dead ass you're dead ass that's cool that's what you I mean obviously this is only a minute and you were you were very good you had proper jokes but for sure I think that thing about this is what you need to talk about because it's absolutely fascinating.

As soon as you walk on stage, everyone in the room is made of questions. It's like the booster seat, the driving thing. Everyone kind of goes, right, what have you, if you walked into, it feels like being back at high school. It's like that thing of going, tell me everything. Tell me everything. This is something obviously you're born with,

and you must have heard all the jokes going through. Oh, absolutely. But it's cool that you're hot, though. Oh, thank you. That's really cool. Yeah, that's what's kind of interesting, is I think when you see people that are different, a lot of times, why is that funny?

She's different than somebody who's... Oh, you groaned when I I said what's the legal height of midgetdom but you call her a freak show over there Greg. But that she's so hot that like most people avert their gaze if you're different but with you it's the opposite so you don't know if people are

checking you out because you're different or because they want to fuck you. Right and really what is the difference you know what I mean? Think about it. It really is an interesting thing because you do give off a very sexual energy. For sure. Thank you.

I remember the first day I met you, I thought to myself, wow, if I 69'd with her, she could eat my belly button out. Can she have that? You should let her have that because you're not going to be able to use that again. Yeah, exactly. I think he might be able to use that again. Exactly.

I think he might be able to. I've got a joke for you, Leela. You could say, if people ask what's the difference between me and a midget, because I'm not a midget, you could be like, well, I can't fit in the overhead bin. Or something like, you can't check.

You can't carry on. Something like I carry on a bag. Eyes this way He is not helping That's a good joke It is a good joke and you can tell Because of the crowd response What's some of

Banzo for five tonight You notice Delivery is a lot in comedy But I don't deliver I'm Hurricane Katrina for God's sake That's a great joke for Hurricane Katrina. Okay, tell us the weirdest, what's the most inappropriate thing a person's ever said to you?

Yep. Well, oh, goodness. A lot of times people just, like, pick me up out of nowhere. Like, they don't even see anything. That's so crazy and rude. Brad Williams. You know, Brad is a dwarf, and he's a comic. He's a friend of mine.

He's a great guy. He said that's the only thing that annoys him. He doesn't mind any of the questions. He doesn't mind the teasing. He's had it all his life. And it's part of who he is. He's fine with it. But people picking him up, he fucking hates.

Because it's saying to the person, you're not a human being. You're a thing that I am to play with. Right. I would never pick you up unless you said, please pick me up. And then my wife was like, it's all good. Pick her up. And then I'll pick you up. I'll pick you up. And then I'll put you down. I'll pick you up unless you said, please pick me up, and then my wife was like, it's all good, pick her up, and then I'll pick you up, I'll pick you up, and then I'll put you down, I'll pick you up,

and I'll put you down, and I'll pick you up, and then we will be done at that point. And on an upstroke. I imagine it would be exciting. When people pick you up, how do they know, do they normally just lift you like a kettlebell? Something like that, just sort Just like that a few times?

I don't know. Like how you'd pick up a puppy or something. What's the craziest thing a guy's ever tried to do to you in bed? Like sexually. What is that like? I mean, it's got to be different. You seem like you'd be a real little animal. Sex is dope.

What? Sex is dope? Sex is dope? It's good with me. Oh, with you. Because even a guy like me looks huge. I've heard of a spinner before, but you're like a fidget spinner.

I mean, I approve of the joke. I think that was the right joke to make. You notice I used the word fidget. Fidget. Lila? That's what they prefer to be called, fidgets. Lila, what do you do for, are you a professional comic or do you do other stuff for work? I do digital advertisement on YouTube and Facebook.

Midgetal advertising? It's digital. But what do you, I'm still confused about midget gigs What do you mean? Are you in an agency? I used to be the miniature Ariana Grande act At Beecher's Madhouse Oh that's interesting

Sorry You were the miniature Ariana Grande At Beecher's Madhouse, yeah I mean I don't know what Beecher's Madhouse is But I want to go to there What is Beecher's Madhouse? It was this show at the Roosevelt and then we had a bunch of like mini acts.

So it was like Ariana Chica? Right, it's Ariana. It's the opposite of Grande. Forget it. All right, not a multicultural crowd. Sorry. Ariana Tall would work better. So the Starbucks.

Venti? Venti, there you go. So would you sing or lip sync? I was just like a lip sing act. It was really strange, but you know what? I just want to say, I do comedy so that I can spread awareness and talk about these things.

People used to make fun of me, and now it's the ultimate fuck you because I'm on stage talking about it. Totally. I want to say to you that at this point, we're no longer thinking about the fact that you're small. We're mostly thinking about the fact that we all desperately want to say to you that at this point we're no longer thinking about the fact that you're small we're mostly thinking about the fact that we all desperately want to sleep with you so in that way

we've broken through that glass ceiling we truly truly truly while respecting your comedy cannot fathom how tight that pussy must be it's like a fleshlight so can I ask about the comedy that you do because obviously if you've got something like this, it's an obvious kind of attraction.

You're kind of, you're small, and you do jokes about that when you start doing comedy the first 10 minutes. I don't know how long a set you have now, but like, do you talk about other things on stage? Yes. But it's like, I have to start with that. 100%, yeah.

And I just get that out of the way, and then people like see me as me, and then I just answer all of the questions that anybody thinks when they first see me. Okay, best question. What's the best question you've been asked? I mean, just like what exactly do I have? I have spina bifida, so I have a bit where I actually talk about having spina bifida.

Okay, so that's the most common question is what do you have, spina bifida. Okay. What's the bit? Do you want to hear it? Yeah. Yeah, we want to hear the bit. Okay, I say... Sorry, I'm just so nervous.

Oh, don't. Yeah, don't be all bent out of shape about it. Okay. The joke is... The joke is... I say, okay, to be honest, I'm not a midget. I actually have spina bifida. And for those of you that don't know, it's a congenital birth defect.

And most people with my condition, they can't walk. So every morning I wake up so grateful for the doctors and the surgeons, for all the operations on me, to make it possible for me to stand here today so I can get a hashtag blessed. Praise Jesus. It's a fucking miracle. You know, and I like to make it very clear to any new guy that I'm dating. I'm like, yo, here's the dealio, baby. I've got spina bifida, but don't you worry.

Everything down south, it works just right. Maybe a little extra better, because there are things you can do with me you can't do with a regular-sized woman. Spinner. Sex in the backseat, forget about it. We could do it in the glove box. Boom.

Got it. A lot of setup in the glove box. Boom. Got it. A lot of setup there. A lot of setup. Long way to go before we got there. But I go straight to the we can do it in the glove box gag. But I loved it. I go to San, she's got to contextualize what Spina Bifida is and stuff. By the way, how long have you been doing comedy?

It'll be two years. And have you done NACA yet? Have you done the college thing? Do you have clean stuff that isn't about what I desperately want to do to you? Because if you do a five minute clean set and send it off to NACA, do you have a college agent? No.

I'll connect you to somebody. You'll make so much money. You are who they want. Because you're funny, but it's also like... Moshe's going to get laid. No, I'm not. Natasha, I love you, baby. If you're listening.

But anyway... What is it about tiny women you like so much? Like, 4'11", it's boring. Maybe we can shave a few inches off. Anyway, you would make so much money in the college circle. I mean, that is, you are built for that. Yeah. You mentioned you praised Jesus at one point.

Is that a big thing with you? I just like to do it. But are you a Christian? I would say I'm more spiritual, but yeah. Right. I would take the, I mean, it's only my opinion, but I would take the hashtag blessed out of the set. Because that, I don't know why, but I kind of think,

unless there's a punchline, don't say it. Maybe add a hashtag spina bifida. Oh, wow. All right. Yeah, blessed is kind of over, I think. All right, well, Lila. Well, we've reached the point of Kill Tony where everybody's too horny to keep interviewing. That's not

true. I love how you think everybody's so horny. Everybody's like me, right? Yes. I want to see your fucking web browser tomorrow afternoon. It's just like, do you have a clean five minutes plus spina bifida? Hashtag blessed. What kind of guys are you into, Lila?

I don't really have a type. Really? Your answer should be tall. Well, yeah, I do like tall guys. Well, that's me in that context, and I'm only 5'7". But I mean, that's tall to me, so it works. It's what I just said. I mean, the other thing, I'm interested in the stand-up set,

because as well, you kind of threw away the, I can give a blowjob standing up, but the descriptor and the mime of that is kind of what I would expand on. Just a thought. Yeah. I mean, that's sort of what I would expand on. Just a thought. Yeah. I mean, that's sort of what the podcast is about, isn't it? So good luck. And before I let you go, let me ask you one more question.

With those midget gigs, like you've come clearly so far. You said you used to do midget gigs. That's what you called it, right? Now, like what's the, you've come far. You just killed on Kill Tony. You got a bunch of jokes. Moshe's hooking you up with a college agent, right? At least he's going to try.

A college agent. It's just me in a suit. Thank you for coming in. You know, we don't pay anything for the first audition, but this is just a tape to see if the producers like it. No, no, no. I will connect you with a... I don't know if they'll represent you, but I will definitely e-introduce you.

When it comes to midget gigs, what was like your lowest low? Nice. Full foot seven. Oh, are you asking me a question? I'm being funny. Okay. Both. Yeah.

It was the worst thing that ever happened. He was at the Armenian guy's 30th birthday party. Ooh. You can stop right there. We get it. That is low. Gross. I'm sorry party. You can stop right there. We get it. That is low. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. We had this girl jump out of our cupcake.

No, but he literally said to me when I got to the party in front of everybody, this is not the kind of midget I ordered. I want to return this midget. That's a great title. That's a great title for a one-woman show. That is true. Hang on a second.

If that's a one-woman show title right there, this is not the kind of midget I ordered. That is, when you do a one-woman show, that is what it should be called. That's the title. That's the whole thing. This is not the kind of midget I ordered. Right, but for you to do a one-woman show, you've got to go twice as long.

You know that, right? Lila, you were absolutely awesome on here. Great stuff. Great interview. So open, so honest, so cool. There she goes. Lila Hart, everybody. That's like Aphrodite's new arch nemesis.

Complete opposite of Aphrodite. Look at her. Whoa, Aphrodite showing off some cleavage tonight. No Allie McCoskey. I believe she's out on the road in New York City this week. So we're going back to the bucket, turbo style. Sound cool with you guys, huh? You having fun out there, guy with his arms crossed?

Talking with his fucking girlfriend right now? Piece of shit. Piece of shit audience. Ooh, this looks like an interesting name. Put your hands together for Jaloid Spencer. What it do? What's happening? Yeah, I had a situation the other day where I realized that I'm at a point where I'm not the man that I thought I was. I was doing a catering event, going to the job. This guy was behind me, kind of like honking his horn very loudly while I was in the lift,

you know, kind of wouldn't let me get out of the passage. You know, I was like, dude, what the fuck is going on? So, you know, I'm in the back, and I just like flick this motherfucker off, you know what I'm saying? Like, fuck you, bitch. You know, I don't play that. You know, and then the lift driver stopped, and this large African-American gentleman got out of the van that he was driving. He was heavily tattooed, and I believe the first words out of his mouth were like, fuck you, nigga. And I was like, excuse me?

I was like, what did you, excuse me? And he was like, fuck you, nigga. What's up? And I was like, damn, this wasn't who I expected to jump out of the van. And I've always been a fighter. I've always been a guy that don't really take no shit, even though I'm not like the biggest person. You got to stand up for yourself. Always been a fighter, but I had to get to work.

So I think that's it for me. Go ahead and finish it if you want. So I had to get to work, and the cops were standing around clearly not about to help me out. So I was just like, listen, sir, you better be glad I got to get to work. So I just ran the fuck inside and decided to save my life. Thank you. Wow, you should have ended it on the cat. There was no punchlines after that.

Hi, Jaloid. This is your first time on the show, right? This is my first time on the show. Am I saying that right, Jaloid? You said it perfect, man. Most people fuck it up, so that's cool. So it was a large black man that got out of the car. It was.

It was. Very, very large. Very. Made me think. And you ran? I did. Once, like, I saw the cops weren't going to do anything because I was working a big event. There were some cops kind of standing there, and they basically just like watching like, look at this silly motherfucker.

So I saw they weren't about to do anything and I did run. I mean, slowly it was like more of a quick walk. When you ran, did you scream, did I do that as you ran away? I should have. Just curious. Love your work. I should have.

Have you got any funny stories? Any funny stories? I need to come up with some. I need to come up with some. It's a nice story, but it didn't have a punchline. It didn't have a hook. I got work. How long have you been doing stand-up, Jaloid? I've been doing stand-up for about a year. Really? About a year. Where at?

I've been at the Pasadena Ice House. I've been at the Comedy Store before. The fact that you called it the Pasadena Ice House Makes me wonder how many times you've done it It's already a mistake You caught me in a lie Oh you lied? Is that a lie?

If you had to guess how many times you've done stand-up comedy About how many times Ballpark would you guess? Just name a number It's under 20 It's under 20, it hadn't been long You know what, it's not how many times you do comedy that matters. It's family that matters. Family matters.

I love you with that. I'm with that. I'm with that. That was amazing. Yeah. No, that's not the right show. That's a different show. Same shit.

Same shit. Welcome to Black Friends. I did think it was an interesting premise of a black dude being afraid of a big black dude in traffic. There is some... There's fertile information there because you don't present as a tough guy. You've got the glasses and the hipster Urkel thing.

So I wanted that. I was excited about it, and then it fizzled a little bit. But I think there is something to that, right? I think the shirt gives you some sense of his blackness. It looks like a close-up of a sickle cell under a microscope. I'll take it. I'll take it.

Wow. I'll take it. Yeah. I'll take it. Jaloid, you look like Floyd Gayweather Jr. There you go. I've take it. Wow. I'll take it. Yeah. I'll take it. Jaloid, you look like Floyd Gayweather Jr. There you go. I've heard that. Yeah, I actually went out there for the Floyd Mayweather Manny Pacquiao fight,

and I got some of that commentary. I don't know what you just said. So what's the workshopped version of that joke? Because you're right, it's an interesting premise. You were scared of this guy, and then you said, I've got to go. Okay, we need more than that. We do. What's a funny thing that could have happened?

It could be made up. It doesn't need to be true. It just needs to be funny. A funny thing that could have happened. I don't know. Maybe we could have, like, hugged it out or something like that. I need to do a better. What if you started running from him and an even smaller black guy saw you

and started running from you and started a chain reaction all over the place. That could work. That could work. I like it. That could work. That's that Greg Fitzsimmons writer brain, writer for HBO's Crashing. I can't stop. I also was very unclear about you were catering and then you were in a lift.

I didn't know the choreography of the bit. And then the guy was in a van and you were in the back of a lift catering. I was in a lift headed to didn't know the choreography of the bit. And then the guy was in a van, and you were in the back of a lift catering, but there was a... I was in a lift headed to a catering event. Oh, no, no, no. I can't hear this again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just meant, like, it needs to be tight.

Like, you know, why were you in a... Who cares that you were in a lift? Unless it's important to the story, who gives a fuck? Sure. I was driving. I flipped a dude off. He jumped out of the car.

It was a big black guy. I was like, this is not who I thought I was flipping off. I was... I don't think... 20 spots in the comedy, I don't think the technical side I was like, this is not who I thought I was flipping off. I was exhilarated. 20 spots into comedy, I don't think the technical side is going to get us far with Jaloid. So let's talk about your real life. Tell us more about you. You have kids? Ever been married?

No kids, man. I've never been married. I don't have any kids. You ever been arrested? I have been arrested. For what? A DUI. Pasadena? No, man. Actually, I moved from Atlanta, so I got a DUI in Atlanta. Thankfully, because I hear there are real bad laws out here. How did Master Splinter feel about that?

Not good. Georgia cops are kind of tough. Did they rough you up? No. Cops didn't rough me up. It wasn't a good experience, but I guess it was, you know, it wasn't a good experience. You know what I'm saying?

But I guess it could have been worse. So, you know, it wasn't bad. This is like the most racist interview ever. So do you have kids? A lot of kids running around? You've been arrested a few times? Did the cops beat you up a little bit? Did they throw you down on the ground?

Does your life matter, sir? Did we figure out what you do for a living? Yeah, I serve in a bartend. That's what I a living? Yeah, but I serve at a bartend. That's what I do. Where at? So I serve at LA Live, like downtown. Bartend down there, too. And I do some, obviously, some catering. Keeping the bills paid.

Yeah. How long you been doing that? Man, I've been doing that for like seven years. Here in LA? No, I just moved to LA two years ago. Gotcha. Here's another really racist thing. Let's go. I can't tell if you're 22 or 50. I like that.

That's cool. Yeah, a lot of people tell me that. That's cool. How old are you for real? I'm 32. 32. Right in the middle. Right in the middle.

Very good. Wow. Do you date a lot? Yeah, I date a little bit. I wouldn't say that's a lot. I get out. Yeah? Do you use the internet to date, or do you go to...

No, I don't do any internet dating. No? How come? I'm just not into it. I don't really think it's for me. I'd rather kind of like talk to somebody or something like that, you know, for real, face-to-face. Maybe you could try telling them that story about how you were in a Lyft one time. Yeah.

Like a war of attrition. Wear them down. So you like to meet him face to face. So like the last girl you hung out with, where'd you meet her at? I met her at the After Hours. The After Hours. Yeah, so like all these clubs out here close early,

like at 2 and stuff. So with the job I do, I get out late. So sometimes we'll go to the After Hours. Wait, is there only one after hours in Los Angeles? There's a lot. Oh, then why are you giving it the honorific of the after hours? It's like the club. I don't know.

That's kind of where I'll be on the after hours. So then, what, she's standing at a bar by herself, sort of, something like that? Or were you introduced by a friend? No, I just started talking to her. We were just kind of hanging out, and she was with some friends. We started talking, and exchange Jentho hung out. You took her back to your place? No, not that night.

We wound up meeting up later to kind of hang out, went out for dinner and stuff like that. Are you Christian? Yeah, I am Christian. Okay, okay. I couldn't figure it out for a while. No, because you got this edgier look, and I'm like, but he's like, so like, well, you know, I spoke with her as a lady, as a woman of God,

in the loving, frankincense-addled bow of the Lord. Okay, okay. I try not to be too predictable. What does your hand tattoo say? You have a tattoo on your hand. What does that say? It says, the devil is a liar. There you go, Moshe. It originally said, the Jews are liars, but you had it covered with the other arm.

What's that tattoo say on that arm? Which one? Both of them, I guess. I didn't see two at first. Choices, consequences, just little shit that I think is wrong. The devil is a liar. What's the dirtiest lie the devil ever told you? That Stefan or Cal was cool. A devil is a liar. What's the dirtiest lie the devil ever told you? That Stefan or Cal was cool.

A few, a few. That is the devil, right? Now, are you like raised with Jesus, Christian, or are you like, I fucked up, found Jesus? No, no, no. You know what I'm saying? It's like my family. My family was pretty Christian,

so I don't like to go to church all the time and things like that. No, but when you do go to church, you dance your heart out. Oh, hey, I mean, I like to dance. Is it one of those, do you go to a cool black church? Here, I'll try to push him down. I don't, you know. What are you trying to do? I'm seeing if I can push him down just using my hands.

Stick with the soundboard, Brian. Stick with the soundboard. Oh, so you're not super religious. I mean, I believe in God, you know, but I don't, like, go to church all the time. I will go to church sometimes. You're not Christian. You're Christ-ish. No, I'm a Christian. I don't want to, like, you know.

I think if somebody asked me that, I'd say it. I think if I had to say what would Jesus do, I think he would make up a punchline for that story. I feel like he was a good storyteller, and he would cut to the chase on that. Yeah. He drew. All right, Jaloid. Well, it's your first time on the show, right? Yeah.

Appreciate it. There you go, Jaloid Spencer. Jaloid, nice to meet you, everyone. Thank you, guys. You've got to get up more often, Jeloid Spencer. Jeloid, nice to meet you, everyone. Thank you, guys. You got to get up more often, Jeloid. Do more spots. I guess you work at night.

He's on Twitter at Jeloid, J-E-L-L-O. That's not a joke, Y-D. Jello, Y-D, Spencer. His Twitter handle is Jeloid, J-M-J. Jeloid. Quick shout-out to the movie Ten Men directed by Barry Levinson from 1987 with Robert, with Danny DeVito

and and just check it out. It's a great movie. Fuck yeah. I like that. Are you broken? I didn't know we could do that. All right.

This looks like even another new name, I do believe. Put your hands together for Charlotte Keeney. Ooh. Uh-oh. Blacklisted. Charlotte missed her spot. Charlotte. All right.

Is that her? Is that Charlotte? No. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Again, this looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Mecky Leeper. Mecky Leeper? Mecky Leeper? I watched gay porn for the first time recently.

I don't really want to, but all my friends are these college bros. They're super jacked, super intimidating, but all my friends are these, like, college bros. So they're, like, super jacked, super intimidating, but also really woke dudes. So they kind of, like, bullied me into it. You know, they were like, come on, dude. You never watched gay porn before? And I was like, no. And they were like, come on, man. You never even looked at it. You never even clicked on it. What are you, like, homophobic?

I was like, alright, first of all, no. Second of all, that seems like a weird way to support a group of people. I don't... Like, could you imagine if someone came up to you at a party just like, hey man, I heard you don't care about Syrian refugees. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I think it's important they come to this country in their time of need. It's like, yeah? Well, aren't you watching them fuck?

It's like, what? It's like, hey man, I heard you're some kind of capitalist piece of shit, and you don't care about small businesses. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I think it's an important way to grow the local economy. It's like, yeah? Why don't you jerk off my Etsy page then, dude? What's up? Wow. Wow, wow, wow. How do I say your name? Mecky Leeper. Mecky Leeper. How old are you?

I just turned 23 like two days ago. Phenomenal stuff, Mecky Leeper. Mecky Philadelphia? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know you. I've seen your clips before. Oh, yeah. I was supposed to open for you like two days ago.

Yeah, yeah, and I'm glad you didn't based on what you just did. No, I'm kidding. You're very funny. I was like almost thinking like, oh, this is a ringer. He's super funny did. No, I'm kidding. You're very funny. I was almost thinking, oh, this is a ringer. He's super funny. I've seen your stuff before. You're really good. The Jews are proud tonight.

Yeah. They're proud every night, but tonight especially. You had it right from the get. You had it right from the beginning, and you kept momentum the entire time. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like two years. Wow. That's just a good bit, too. That's just like a bit you wish you had. Yeah, the entire time. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like two years. Wow. That's just a good bit too. That's just like a bit you wish you had.

The bros that are kind of cool. It was great. Fucking great. You seem fully formed. Let's just ask him questions about himself because the comedy seems fine. How long have you been out here? Like three weeks.

You just moved here? Yeah. Wow. You're going to be a star. I don't. I wouldn't go that far. I think so. You're not going to be a star.

It's a long road. He's going to be one of those fucking Big Bang Theory kids. I was going to say I've never been more attracted to a man in my life, I think. Wow. Jolberg. Maybe you will be a star. Mecky Leeper. You're 23 years old. You just graduated from college?

I dropped out. Really? I think, you know what? Good choice. Thank you. I don't know what you were like at college, but you're good at this. Mecca lecca hi, Mecca hidey ho, you know what I'm saying? I do. Wow.

Maybe it's time for the hurricanes to blow away. You know why we're rough? It's because we're less experienced and we're with some pretty big guns at the comedy stage, so whenever we say anything we don't deliver with the same confidence that we would if there were lessers on stage.

That's true. And the award for passive aggression goes to... Now, the first time I saw you, which was how long ago? I opened for you like a couple months ago. A couple months ago, and I was just like, motherfucker, this guy needs to go to LA. And you had a good attitude all week, too. You weren't a cocky little fuck, which you have every right to be, but you were totally

like a chill guy. Thanks, man. Yeah. Thank you. But I did follow him all week. All right, Mickey, I don't like you, and I'm going to tell you why. No, I do like you.

I think you're cool. I think we all just fell in love a little bit. You're good, man. You're good. Get out of here. No, no, no, no, no, no. I want to wait a little bit, because I want to find out more about you. You come up, you kill. You're good. Get out of here. No, no, no, no, no, no. I want to wait a little bit because I want to find out more about you.

You come up, you kill, you're 23. Let's figure out some stuff about your actual life. I want to meet you. Tell us more about Mecky Leeper. It's kind of boring. This is it. I just see you stand up. Aren't your parents teachers or something? No. Okay, well, I mean, the bit that you probably heard

is that my family's Muslim, but I don't look like it. That's kind of the bit is I'm like, surprise, but now I can't do it because I said it. It's kind of boring. I'm just a young white Muslim in the opposition religion that is probably the primary story of our national narrative right now. But it's not a very big or interesting story. Nobody wants to hear it. Are you a religious Muslim? Growing up, I would go to the mosque

and go to church. My dad's Christian, but not anymore. That is a mixed marriage right there. That's interesting already. Yeah, yeah. He converted to Islam to marry my mom, and then they moved here, and then he flip-flopped back. He's like, fuck that. I'm out.

Let's go to church. Where's that Urkel guy? I'm going that way. And what are you kind of drawn to? Because you've got the choice, right? Between the two of them? I mean, it's all made up, but which made up do you like? Neither.

I think because I went to both, I was like, oh, this is a lie. You're in Hollywood now, my friend. Scientology. That's true. That's exciting. It's a good way to go. Your stage name should be Jihad Moskowitz. But his dad's Christian, so what's a Moskowitz? Jesus Moskowitz. There you go.

No. No. That's a Christian Jewish guy. That's the worst bombing involving a mosque I've ever seen before. Happy 9-11, everybody. Oh, yeah, it is 9-11. So are you, like, celebrating a little bit? It's a big day.

That's cool. Congrats, man. Did you go up on the rooftop? Yeah. I just laughed. I'm going to be happy. As you say, it's a really interesting perspective to have on that. What's her ethnicity? Moroccan.

She's legit. What does your dad do for a living? He's retired now, but he used to work for the state government. Can I ask how your parents met? Because I would say, as a Christian guy in Morocco, to nail a Muslim chick, not easy. Right. That's true. Yeah.

You got to get under that veil. Your dad is a player. Right. Well, they both worked at the U.S. Embassy. And, yeah, like I said, my dad converted. And it was a whole thing. They needed to do that. I mean, I bullshitted some women into bed before.

Yeah. But that is above and beyond the call of duty. It was big. That's some James Bond shit your dad has done. There's only one God but God, and Muhammad is his only prophet. Just give me the pussy. Do you know if your mother held out until he fully converted? Do you know any of the story?

Yeah, she brought that up one time in passing and I never forgot it. I think she's only ever been with my dad. Oh, what a trip. Did she wait until he converted? Oh, definitely. I think she waited until they were married. Wow.

They met in Morocco? They didn't live together there? No. So it was when they got here? Yeah. And then they put the met in Morocco? What did they live, they didn't live together there? No. So it was when they got here. Yeah. Right. And then they put the sign up on the bedroom, if this bedroom's Moroccan, don't come a-knockin', right?

Boom. Motion motherfucking cashier. It's just, it's just interesting. It's just, I just want to see you do longer. What's your living situation? You're here in LA? Yeah, I live in East Hollywood. I have a shared studio with another dude that I met

on the internet. Who makes you watch gay porn? No, he's gay, but he's very respectful about it and never forces me to watch it. Oh, he's not like one of those gay dudes that's trying to rape you? I believe the phrase is he doesn't shove it down your throat.

That's hilarious. He's gay, is, he doesn't shove it down your throat. That's hilarious. He's gay, but he's very respectful about it. He's not like a typical gay dude that's always trying to sexually assault you

in the night. Shared studio with a gay roommate. You ever walk in on him doing anything? He takes his laptop into the bathroom, which I wish

that he wouldn't. Do you want him to just do it out in the open? It feels like the same thing because I can hear it and everything. He doesn't have headphones? It's just like he just walks into this very small bathroom with a whole laptop.

Does your shampoo bottle smell? No. No, it doesn't. What are you paying in rent? $6.25. You pay $6.25 to share a studio? God, rent is fucking horrifying, man. Now, I feel bad because, well, I don't know if I should feel bad or you should, but I offered to be your mentor in Philadelphia.

I just hadn't seen you yet. You said, I'll see you in the clubs, and here we are. I didn't give you my number? No. What a shitty mentor. Also, I didn't even know that there was a mentorship program in comedy. Did you ever have a

mentor? You want for it to be he's mentor? I did. Can I get it on that? I did. But you know what? He'll be your mentor, but he's not one of those respectful gay guys. He'll force himself on you. He's more like a de-mentor. I put the men in mentor. Mackie, I see it in you, man.

I do this show so fucking often. I know when people are going to work out and when they're not, and you absolutely, absolutely are. Thank you. You have everything of a successful person. Mackie Leaper is catchy. Everything. The look, you look much younger than what you are.

Your delivery is insane. And it's all well written. At least the minute that I saw. I guess what Tony's saying is that someday and someday soon, you'll be splitting a one-bedroom apartment with somebody else. That's right. You'll be living in a living room on a couch. I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say very best of luck with puberty. Thank you.

You're going to see some changes. We can talk. There he goes, Mechie Leeper, ladies and gentlemen. His first time on Kill Tony. Just moved to Los Angeles. He's on Twitter at Mechie Leeper. That's M-E-K-K-I-L-E-E-P-E-R.

We're right on the line. You guys, audience, do you think we should go to the bucket one more time? One more? Jimmy? Permission from the master? Yeah, okay. What about the girl that we missed? So he's the master and he's the mentor.

Right, right. Not a lot of people know this, but Greg's mentor was Jimmy Carr. No, I don't know. Who's been doing comedy longer? By about 30 years, I would guess. More like 40. How long have you been doing it? I've been going about maybe since the turn of the century.

Jimmy's phone number is still rotary. 17 years. That's not true. Really? Is that true. Really? Is that true? What? I feel like I've seen you on my TV much longer than that. You're lying, right? No, 17 years.

Oh. 2000. Yes. I'm just thinking of Bill Maher. This is not Bill Maher. How long have you been doing it, Greg? 28 years. Wow.

Fuck yeah. And you were in Boston doing the real Boston shit. Yeah, I had a good graduating class in Boston. It was me and Rogan started the same week. And then Bill Burr was right behind us and Patrice O'Neill and Dane Cook was at the same time

as us. Not a lot of people know this, but 28 years ago is also when the first twins were born. That's right. And neither of them had index fingers. I don't know if you know that, but they were born to a Mormon family, one of whom was Muslim, one of whom was Mormon. I'm just

doing a whole round of callbacks. None of them funny, but all of them interestingly woven together. Monday night, you ready to go to the bucket one more fucking time? Yeah. I pulled a name out of the bucket and that name is

Tierney McCauley. The spin doctors, people. My parents sent me to an all-deaf college. Yeah, I guess they were just, like, sick of listening to me talk. But, like, the joke's on them, because it was kind of the best place ever to go to school. You know, like, none of the frat parties ever got broken up for noise complaints. It was great. Like, I mean, we partied all night. ever to go to school. You know, like none of the frat parties ever got broken up for noise complaints.

It was great, like it was, I mean we partied all night. But like sometimes it was tough at the parties to tell the difference between like a cool new dance move or just drunk sign language. People get wasted, they start signing all willy nilly. I mean like wait, are we dancing or are you trying to tell me I have something in my teeth? Stop slurring your hands. That's what happens when deaf people get drunk, you guys.

I dated a deaf guy, too, while I was there. And he was, like, he was really smart, funny, hot, great with his hands. His name was... He was a really quiet guy. Tierney McCauley. Hello, Tierney. Hi. I wish I was deaf.

Ouch. No, no. I didn't get at the beginning of it. I mean, genuinely it's a true story. You went to a deaf college. Yeah, I did. Gallaudet University. You went to Gallaudet as an undergrad? I went as a visiting student. Oh, for like a semester abroad with deaf people? Yeah, but I just did a quiet semester.

Interesting. So you were one of the few hearing people at Gallaudet. Yeah, one of my 12. And you were just like tossing down that deaf dick or like what was the you fucked two deaf dudes I never fucked a deaf lady my parents are both deaf so I found your set incredibly offensive and insensitive

but I just no I didn't that's interesting shout out to Peter Pan for this look that you brought to the stage tonight. I mean, what the... The hurricane blew back. Jolbert.

Got it. There it is. Finally. I think... Finally landed. Thank you. I needed this. Finally, Jose landed.

Made landfall today In Key West Trump says you can stay Jose You did your whole set Laughing at your own jokes Which really bugs a lot of people Is this your first time on stage Or have you been doing that a lot

Red Band hates you I hate that shit You're doing a lot of Peter Pandering Peter Pandering. Peter Pandering. That's good. I fucking said it. He's back. He just barehanded his symbol for the podcast listener.

He got overconfident. I liked it, but I didn't believe the opening. I agree. It all sounded made up because you were doing gags about it, but I needed a tiny bit longer on the I genuinely went to a deaf college. You have to say the words Gallaudet University. I went to Gallaudet.

So the people, even though they don't know what that is, will go, that must be real. I know, it doesn't matter if people know the reference you're referencing. They'll just be like, oh, it must be true. It legitimizes it. And your parents presumably sent you there as a gag. They're funny people, right? They went, this is going to, let's fuck with her.

No, no, give me the application. Let's cross that out. I've got an idea. No, I chose to go there. And it's true, you really hooked up with the deaf guy? Yeah. Did he braille you? He's deaf.

He's deaf. He's blind, people. Deaf. They don't use braille you? He's deaf. He's deaf. They don't use braille. Wow. I can't believe I did that. Tierney, you gotta watch out. You gotta watch out, fucking deaf guy. You could get hearing aids. Can I ask why you chose...

I don't want anyone to think it's good. Say it again. He asked why I went there. And you love deaf culture? Oh, so you're like a deaf wigger. That's interesting. That's cool. But normally there's...

I was studying sign language and I wanted to maybe study interpreting, so I went there to see if I would go to grad school there. Now, why do you do the part of the bit where your parents sent you there? To get into that I went there to see if I would go to grad school there. Now why do you do the part of the bit where your parents sent you there? To get into that I went to that school. Why don't you just say I went to it? That's actually less words.

People are like, why? And then you say why. That's the thing about stand-up. I'm not even trying to insult you. I'm like, are you very young? How old are you? Yeah, I'm young. How old are you? I'm like, are you very young? How old are you? Yeah, I'm young. How old are you?

27. Oh, you're not. Okay. Welcome to Hollywood, baby. Welcome to Hollywood. Yeah, that's 27. No, I'm just saying, why are your parents involved in this? What do your parents have to do with it?

I went to school. I went to Gallaudet University. I'm not trying to berate you. I think that you're very... How do you make a living? I'll save you, Moshe. I do event production. What?

Event production. I don't believe it. Event production. What kind? Like, what kind of events? Like, parties. Like, what kind of parties? For the death!

Basically, like like corporate events Not that fun Sponsored by Def Jam Why didn't you become an interpreter? Honestly like It was giving me a lot of headaches Like migraines It was giving you migraines?

Yeah it's really hard it's really hard to think in two languages at the same time. I was bad at it, really. Oh, you were bad. Yeah. It's a good comedy job. That's what I did for a living until I quit to become a full-time stand-up was I was an interpreter. Is that true? For many years, yeah.

Really? Yeah, since when I was 17 to... You're a coda. I am a coda. I'm a child of deaf adults Moshe, can you interpret her outfit? I think you did a pretty good job I mean, I don't know it would be something like this

no, I'm kidding, your outfit looks good you have a bruise on your leg and I was looking at it a lot what happened? I just slipped down Down some stairs. Really? Oh, uh-oh. Are you okay?

It sounds more like a slip of the tongue. Oh, this sucks. This sucks. She said, oh, this sucks. Where are you from? Florida. Oh, my God, I've got bad news. Yeah, I just got back on stage.

I thought you were from Can't Hear-y, Indiana. What the fuck? Can't Hear-y, Indiana. Take it with you. Take your stool. Alright, so you're from Florida. How long have you been here? Since February. February, that's fairly new. Are you also sharing a studio apartment with a gay guy?

No, I live with a couple. You're with a couple? Wow, in a studio apartment? No, no, no, in a normal house. That is progressive. I have some questions about sign language. I know some people, I used to do shows in Edinburgh, and they would sometimes do a gala,

and they'd say, well, deaf people can come along to the show, and we'll just have a signer on the corner of the stage. And I always noticed that the weird signs, signers are very kind of direct, they have like very odd signs for like different races. I know this for... They were very on the nose, but also like the sign for oral sex was exactly what you think it's going to be. Yeah.

And you know what? I actually have an experience with this. Well, I was doing jokes, I was on stage, and I was just, because the signer was there, and she was kind of hot, I only told jokes about blowjobs. Because I just enjoyed watching her go... One time in Indianapolis, Indiana, I was opening for Joe Rogan at a place called the Murat Theater, some crazy 4,000-seat venue.

And in Indiana, they have a state law to where they have to have a sign language person. It's big enough, you mean? Yeah. And they have to be lit up. They have to be next to the stage. I couldn't believe it. I like finding any excuse to not do my material in the first place.

Well, obviously, yes. Exactly. So I see this guy. I think it was a lady, actually. And I did I was making a blowjob joke and I just so happened to be looking at her when she did the blowjob I like the eye contact

and they stay completely professional they don't smile at all it's all very very very fucking serious so what I did was I literally go blowjob and then I'm like wow and it's just killing by the way and then I go blowjob again and she keeps doing the same thing and then I said, blowjob. And then I'm like, wow. And it's just killing, by the way. And then I go, blowjob again. And she keeps doing the same thing.

And then I said, black blowjob. And she literally was like, it was like a trombone all of a sudden. Literally. The place was fucking, I buried myself because it happened 12 minutes into my set. And I had nothing funnier than that to go to. Tony, did you just find out she played trombone in college? It's quite an interesting thing, though. I always think the detail is the thing. Nothing funnier than that to go to. Tony, did you just find out she played trombone in college? It's quite an interesting thing, though.

I always think the detail is the thing. Like, if you're going to talk about being an interpreter of sign language, get into the detail of it. And the true detail of it is always more interesting than the, you know, it's more believable. I'm not an interpreter because I wasn't good at it. Right, but I was. You went to college for it. What are you good at?

Apparently not comedy. Oh, that's not true. Tyranny. Tyranny. I'm good at event production. Really? Yeah. Can you give us an example of an event you produced that you're proud of if you're good at it?

Yeah, I just produced like a series of six events for the gym Equinox for their Summer On campaign. It was really fun. And all the events went really well, and the client was happy. So I think I'm good at it. Do you love comedy, or are you just sort of hobbying? No, I love comedy. I do event production because comedy doesn't exactly pay for anything. How much money can you make doing events in a year?

It depends. Well, I kind of just started doing that. So what you make doing events in a year? It depends. Well, I'm kind of just started doing that because I work for my Before you were Peter Pan handling. Yeah, exactly. Thank you, Joel. What was the question? So about $30,000 a year?

Oh, probably less. It just depends on the event and the client. So like $20,000 So like 20, 25? I hope, yeah. So maybe next year like 30? Maybe. We'll see. Depends on how many lost boys you find.

Exactly. You're not making much money, which reminds me that right now, MeUndies has an exclusive offer just for my listeners. Get 20% off your first pair and free shipping. Of what, Tony? MeUndies has an exclusive offer just for my listeners. Get 20% off your first pair and free shipping. Of what, Tony? MeUndies. It's 100% satisfaction guarantee. You can just ship it back if you don't like them.

If you go to MeUndies.com backslash kill right now, you get 20% off, free shipping, and satisfaction guarantee. You could return the dirty underwear. And they sell them refurbished probably somewhere in China. For extra. Double the price. Is it like a boxer or is it like a brief? It's like a boxer brief. They have five different kinds of styles.

I presume if they're sponsoring your show, you are wearing these right now. Not even a sponsor. I just really like the product. Tony, you are wearing them. Hashtag ad. Who has them on? I have them on right now. I would like to see.

I'll show you backstage afterwards. No, I want to see right now. I want to see right now. Oh, no, Brian, please. Any physical jokes with you are so gross. Tierney. So, all right. Well, it was fun meeting you.

I remember there was once a sign language interpreting gig. Part of the thing with being a sign language interpreter is that you go, and if the client doesn't show up, you leave after half an hour, and so you get to get paid for the day, and you just, you leave after half an hour. And one time I had a whole day

of classes at this community college, and I went to, the first class that day was a nude figure drawing class. And I was the interpreter, and I just showed up. I sat in the front row for half an hour facing the nude figure drawing lady. No easel, no drawing material. And then after a half an hour, just stood up and walked out. I always wonder what that lady thought. It was just like, nah, I'm not drawing this shit.

I'm fucking out of here. I thought of another question I want to ask you. Hooking up with a deaf guy, did you notice anything different or anything like that? Yeah, they make different noises than hearing guys. Oh, yeah? Like what? Can you do an impression of them as loud as you can right now, please, for the love of God?

Come on. Don't you want to know what it feels like? If you don't know the noise you're making, it's going to sound different. Guys are clearly curating the sounds they're making while they're fucking. These guys are just fucking. Also, the great thing about making out with a deaf guy, you've got freedom to queef. That's true. That is true.

Freedom to queef. Freedom to queef. You can just relax. You don't need to be conscious about that. Speaking of queefing and deaf people, an interesting fact about deaf people is I have never met a deaf person that hides their farts. Every deaf person I know, my mother, my stepmother included, just fart open,

willy-nilly. I've never not known a deaf person just fart because they don't hear it, so it's not like reaching their... They know that hearing people think fart because it's like they don't hear it so it's not like reaching there. They know that hearing people think it's embarrassing but they don't have the visceral experience of it to be embarrassed. They're just like fuck it. I'm going to fart. Imagine that freedom. On 9-11. Today is 9-11.

Imagine that level of freedom guys. Wow. That's genuine and that's kind of brilliant. I get that they don't have hearing but do they not have a sense of smell as well? They know, but what I'm saying is like for us our culture, hearing culture has decided that like that sound is funny

and that's what makes us embarrassed to do it in public but they don't have that sound they know that it's like farting they're not like dumb some of them are but they can't be bothered to be embarrassed by it. So they just fart.

You should do a bit about that. Deaf people be farting. It's true. Tierney, what's the most fun thing you've done since arriving in Los Angeles in February? Kill Tony. No, that's not the right answer. No. What have you done for fun in Los Angeles?

I mean, I try and get to the beach as often as I can. That's like my go-to fun thing, I guess. That's fun. I try and get out on boats as often as I can. Try and meet people who have boats. Oh, yes. You hang out on boats. She doesn't plan on being a band producer for long.

People have boats and get invited on them. She's trying to marry a rich guy, I guess is what she's trying to say. My friend's got a boat. Do you want to go out on my friend's boat? Sure. All right, give me your number. I'll give it to him. Greg.

Wow. I swear to God, my friend's got a boat. And then at the end of it all, Tierney, when you put on the hat that Greg is wearing, you can fly away magically. Looks like it's all part of the same outfit, no? All right. Captain Hook has a boat Also He'll love that

And the good thing about Greg having worn it You know he doesn't have lice Well he'll love that your punchlines never never land You know There she goes Tierney McCauley ladies and gentlemen Episode 229 of Kill Tony. 229, four years, three months, 229, hour and a half, commercial uninterrupted.

Look at that drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Me hung upside down over a jack-o'-lantern. Can we plug dates? Plug it. Oh, September 21st, I'll be in Washington, D.C. at the Improv. I'll be at the Nashville Zanies, September 28th to the 30th, and in La Jolla, November 3rd to 4th. Charlotte, North Carolina, November

16th through 18th. Come see me. You're in La Jolla the week before me. I'm there the week after you. Come see both of us, La Jolla. That's my favorite. I love that fucking club. Me too. I haven't been there in way too long. Leave something fun in the condo for me. I. Leave something fun in the condo for me. I'll leave something fun in the condom for you.

Oh, how dare you. Make some noise for the great Jimmy Carr, ladies and gentlemen. Appreciate it. You got anything you want to plug or anything to the millions and millions of Kill Tony fans that are listening live right now? I genuinely don't need this. Perfect.

Perfect. Perfect. If you could plug us on some of the stuff that you do in the future, that'd be great. That's also not happening. The great Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. I always need the support of the Kill Tony people.

I will be at the San Francisco Punchline September 14th through 16th, and then in San Diego September 21th through 23th, and then also dates coming up in Cleveland and Spokane or Spokane? Spokane. Spokane? Spokane. Spokane.

Yes. I'll be there also. FitzDawg.com for details. FitzDawg Radio is the podcast. I just worked with Greg Fitzsimmons on the unbelievably awesome HBO show, Crashing, in which I'm going to be making a special appearance

on season two. Tony did fucking awesome. He can act. This kid can act. I'm really, really excited about it. That's the season finale, but watch the whole season of Crashing, an awesome show with our friend Pete Holmes. Reagan and Jimenez down there. Look at them.

Pat Reagan has a new album out, Bad Chat, that's available on everything. Joel Jimenez is on Twitter at Mostly Sorry. What did I miss? I want to give a... Listen to Mozart's Requiem. It's really great. It's made a lot of best year end

best lists, so check it out. There you go. We got a Snapchat show coming out. Comedy Central Snapchat. Me, Pat, Brian Moses, John Schapsky. Look for it. It's called Void. Fuck off. Alright, peace. I love you guys. I love that. Don't forget, we're in Boston next week doing this show.

Episode 230 of Kill Tony is going to be there then. Don't forget to sign up for DraftKings. Come see me in La Jolla, Cap City in Austin, Texas, Denver Comedy Works, and so many other fun places. And I'll be in Indianapolis at Morty's on November 8th at Columbus Funny Bone, November 9th at the New York Comedy Fest. The game inside the game. You could win $100,000 in total prizes this Sunday. That's promo code CHANT. DraftKings.com.

Thank you, live audience. Have a good night. We'll see you on the patio. Thank you. Radio Star. It's being killed by radio star, yes it did