KILL TONY - KILL TONY #230

Episode Date: September 22, 2017

Brendan Schaub, Sarah Tiana, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 09/18/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute?

I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Check out our website and find out all the information about Kill Tony that you would ever need, including past episodes of the show. If we're on the road, we're going to be in Boston tomorrow.

So if you're listening to this any time since its release, September 22nd, we'll be at the Boston Comedy Festival. It's a 9 o'clock show. You can get tickets by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on Tour Dates. We're also at the Road Famous Comedy Store every Monday in the main room. And that's always a fun show, so check that out. And Death Squad is going to be at the Improv in Hollywood Sunday, October 15th. And then we're having a big Death Squad show October 29th. And then Death Squad's Going on the Road will be in Indianapolis November 8th at Morty's

and Columbus Funny Bone November 9th. And those two shows are with Kate Quigley and me. You can also check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. For all his tour dates, he's going to be all over the place. He's going to be in Austin, Texas, Sunnyvale at Rooster Teeth Feathers, and at La Jolla Comedy Store. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com.

He also has some merch there and some other stuff there. You can also check out Ryan J. Ebelt's website. He's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony posters. He draws every episode and sells prints of them at ryanjebelt.com And last but not least,

go to shopsquad.tv for the official Death Squad merchandise, including the Kill Tony shirt, which there's still some left, so get it while you can. Also, there's some Death Squad hats. You've got the fidget spinners and the stickers. And the new Death Squad shirts there, too.

So check out shopsquad.tv. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hi, everybody. Hello. Welcome.

Hello, comedians. Make some noise. Those are comedians, live audience. How are you guys? Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world. Look, everybody, it's Brian Red Band. Hey, guys. What's up? It's Josh Martin. Look at everybody, it's Brian Redband. Hey, guys, what's up? It's Josh Martin. Look at him running around, the little guy. The great Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. All those prints are available at ryanjebel.com of every single episode.

He's drawn it. And he also drew the official Kill Tony poster that's right down here. Hello to everybody joining us in Virtual Reality 360 live on Facebook.com right now. And on Ustream, the regular HD stream is also happening. And those of you listening all around the world right now, maybe some of you live in Boston and you'd be excited to know that we're going to be there Friday night. Yeah, 9 o'clock I believe. Should I announce the guest right now? Do it. Wouldn't that be fun?

Do it. Really? Okay. Well, our guests for Friday night, live, Kill Tony for the first time ever in Boston, Massachusetts. And they are Matt Bronger and Eddie

Brill. Yeah. You guys that have done this show before. Eddie Brill, former talent coordinator that have done this show before Eddie Brill Former talent coordinator For the Letterman Show Highly, highly important job Always has fun notes And Matt Bronger's a big goofball So I have a theory that that's going to be a great show

But I'm excited about tonight's show, Brian Every single week, two of the funniest comedians In the world come on this show And this week's absolutely no different. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Brendan Schaub and Sarah Tiana. Yeah, baby. You know them. You love them.

The great and powerful Sarah Tiana and the almighty Superman, Brendan Shaw. Almighty is a good word. Almighty. I like that word for you. I'm not mad at it. Almighty, then. Almighty. What's up, guys?

Sarah Tiana and I have been writing together forever on Gross and The Burn and so many other fun projects. Just at my house. Yes, exactly. A lot of times at my house. Yes, exactly. A lot of times at my house, on my front porch with my dog. Fun fact, Sarah Tiana is one of the only human beings that I ever run once in a while

if we ever get a chance anymore. We used to be. We did it a lot a few years ago. But when we get a chance, she's one of the only people that I run my stand-up comedy jokes by during the daytime because she is able to formulate

full thoughts and have structure and be mature and so we counteract each other's balances. You say during the day but you mean after 2pm when you get up. Yeah, exactly. Brendan Schaub, absolutely killing it, just got back from doing the

Mayweather McGregor fight. You were on the table. What do they call that fight. What was that? You were on the table. What do they call that? What do you mean? Like the round table or some shit? I don't know. You playing poker with them? I don't even know what I'm asking.

I don't either. But I was like the snotty-nosed kid in school because I was the outcast. I was the MMA guy and then there's all the boxers. You're the one that kept saying McGregor's going to do something here, and I kept telling everybody McGregor's going to do something here, and then he fucking did something. And then all the boxing fans were like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Mayweather, let him do something.

Like, what the fuck are you talking about? He let him do something. Yeah, he let him plant him in the face with a haircut. Yeah. He wants that. Boxing fans might be the dumbest arguers I've ever come across in my entire life. And then boxing was like, that's embarrassing for the sport. Just wait for Triple G Canelo.

Yeah. Which now I will never watch boxing. I'm boycotting it. Are you? For a little bit. Why? Because of the fans? No, because the sport doesn't make any sense.

I mentioned Brendan about a half hour ago when I was good in stone. I said, imagine if NFL games were judged by three fucking judges at the end of the whole thing instead of points. And we said there would be a fucking civil war. Straight up riot. Every Sunday. If you screw over Tom Brady, riot. Yeah. My people would riot.

Yeah. If people judged and said, you know what, the Patriots won that game at the end of the game, Atlanta would have truly risen. I would cheer for Al Qaeda before the Patriots. Oh, wow. I would. Oh, wow. A lot of Al Qaeda fans in the audience tonight.

Oh, ho. Team ISIS in the house. All right. Good Lord. I've never really heard the crowd. Patriots or ISIS? Jesus Christ. Well, I'm just saying I'm taking a stand.

But I am a Falcons fan, so that's all. Oh, there you go. That makes sense. I'm very sad. Oh, yeah. The guy with fucking one eye over here is cheering for you. See that, Sarah? It's a guy with just a piece of fucking cotton over his eye.

Oh, no. That's our offensive coordinator. That's our offensive coordinator. That's our offensive coordinator. He sees everything. Wow, I am so... Did you sign up for tonight's show, sir? You've been signing up for the last six months, and you haven't gotten up yet?

What's your name? Nick. All right, well, let's... Nick Caradiano. Nick Caradiano. I didn't really care about your last name, Nick. Carad-a-one-o. Carad-a-one-eye.

And he's a dirty bird. We'll keep an eye out for your name. What happened to your eye? You were playing basketball and you lost an eye playing fucking basketball? Were you playing basketball with a bow and arrow? Small basketball. Tiny basketball.

All right. That's this show for you, is that if we spot a guy missing an eye, we just go crazy. Let me at him. It's not every day, though. What are you playing, Venice? Korea time? Was it just you, or were there other people? Was Jeremy Lin there?

This is the worst game of horse I've ever heard of in my life. Please tell me the name of your team is the Pirates. Hey, there is no I in team. All right, so. No longer. The show also has a band, guys. I love this band. I call them the best damn band in the land.

They are my favorite. They commit to characters every single week. I don't ever know what they're going to do. You don't know what they're going to do. But I'm about to bring them out right now. Here they are, the Kill Tony band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Chris, the bass player. Oh, shit.

Oh! Yeah! You don't really know why, but you want to justify reaping someone's head off. Oh, my God. There are four Fred Dursts on this stage right now. They look like Dodger fans. Ha, ha, ha.

Wow. I can't believe you guys are going to be pizza delivery boys for this entire episode. Are those Make America Great Again hats? Wow. Hello. Are you guys all Fred Durst? Am I right about this?

No, we're just douchebags, dude. They're extremely limp biscuits. Wow. Hey, dude. They're extremely limp biscuits. Wow. Hey, Tony. Yeah. When was the last butt you ate? Oh, dude. Yeah.

Killer. Awesome. You guys are definitely douchebags. I love it. I can't wait for this. We got the douchebags. We got Brendan Schaub and Sarah Tiana. Are you guys ready to start this motherfucking show or what? Everything's in its place. We got no ads this week. I'm at Cap City the first weekend in October. You guys know how

it works. People sign up for the bucket. There's a bunch of little pieces of names in here. I pull your name out of the bucket. That means you get 60 seconds of stage time. Sometimes it's a completely crazy person. Sometimes it's one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. Sometimes it's somewhere right in the boring middle. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means 60 seconds is up. Wrap it up then, or she's going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Who's that? Uh-oh. Oh.

That's him. You guys ready to start the show or what? Monday night, main room. I said, are you guys ready to start Kill Tony or fucking what? What's up? Make some noise for the great Chris D'Elia walking through the room, everybody. Here on VR360, turn around and look

at Chris. Wow. Been trying to book him for this fucking show for only about two and a half years now. He shows up when he did it once. When there's not a seat available. Yeah. I would love it. Here we fucking go. Okay, okay.

If you know anything about me pulling names out of this bucket, you know I love it when the name excites me. This is a name that excites me. Put your hands together for Crocodile King. Yeah! Yeah! There we go. There's no way this guy's coming.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you. Come on, make some noise for Crocodile King! Hello, hello. How y'all doing? Y'all already know my name, unless y'all forgot it already. But anyway, hey, don't y'all wish we could go back to the caveman days? You know, when you go back there to those days where you can just knock a bitch inside her fucking head, right?

And take her and drag her in the cave, you know what I mean? And then you do what you want to do with her, you know what I mean? Don't you wish you could go back to those fucking days? You're just like, man, those days were so beautiful, but now look at the days we have now. We have everything that we have to do with her. You know what I mean? Don't you wish you could go back to those fucking days? You're just like, man, those days were so beautiful, but now look at the days we have now. We have everything that we have to do. We got to take the bitch to the club, buy her a drink, we got to buy her a car,

we got to buy her a house, we got to sign a contract. Fuck, I just wish I could go back to the gay men days, man. Or should I lower my standards? I mean, we have all these products. You have to be a fucking billionaire just to get some nice vagina.

What the fuck? What kind of world is this? But, but, but, but, but, thank God. Now we have iPhones. Now we have a lot to think about. Crocodile King! Crocodile King, it pretty much just sounds like you want to beat a woman. Dude, this dude freaking rocks, dude.

The douchebags love you, Crocodile King. Dude, I always have to buy cars and houses for my bitches at the club. Me too, man. You know what I'm saying. What kind of girls you dating, man? I know. I'm date A. They're called high-exotic hoes. Crocodile, you got to talk right into the tip of that.

Yeah, you don't even put the mic to your mouth. I know. Magical power is activated. Yeah, yeah. Deaf people. Deaf people. Yeah, it's hard to hear and understand what I'm really talking about. Yeah, because you don't have the mic to your mouth.

Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry? You don't have the mic to your mouth. I know, you understand how to put things to your mouth, don't you? Whoa! You just got fucking crocked. Yeah, dude. Hey, hey, hey, guys. Hell yeah, she does, dude.

I guarantee that's the most you've ever gotten to say to a woman. You know what? Oh, dude. She's probably right. Dude, she just queefed in your face, you idiot. No, no, she's probably right, because all the other times I was probably asleep. After my time, I'm going to sleep.

I don't want to hear nothing you say. Crocodile, pay attention, dude. Yeah, I got to get you in line. You're a naughty fucking boy. I love that a black guy is schooling me on oral. Oh, yes. I will sue you. Sarah, you never know.

He might want to make you his crocodile queen. No, no, no, be honest. Hello. Tell her. It'll be long distance. Okay, I'll tell her. Yeah, no, I'm sure you live in a cave. I will school her.

Hey, why the name Crocodile? I teleport. Crocodile, because you have to have tough skin. Wait, first of all... Teleport? You answered two questions at once there. What the fuck? Is this true that you teleport?

He didn't answer. I teleport from the cave all the way here to the future just to fuck a... You didn't understand that. No, nobody does. Talk into the fucking microphone, crocodile. Okay, okay. I know you want it on tape. You might sell this information

to somebody else. We're streaming live in VR 360 right now, crocodile. I don't need to put it on tape. It's not 1980, crocodile. That big fucking thing right there is looking right at you. Hey, I'm just saying, they might fuck more shit up for us. Crocodile, I have 754 questions that I need to ask you.

And then I have to sell more products. Crocodile, stop talking. Just for beautiful women. Crocodile, listen to me. You need to listen, Crocodile. Okay, okay, okay, go ahead. All right. You'll catch up when you see it on the video.

Crocodile, you son of a bitch. You are a true misbehavior. Okay. Okay, Crocodile, let's start with some questions. Okay, question one. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? You know what? This is my first time on the stage doing comedy.

Okay. First of all, put your hands together for Crocodile King. Popping his cherry live in front of you. He accidentally killed his entire set. He doesn't know why. We couldn't really hear you. I do know why, because this is my first time, and I'm probably the best comedian that's ever done it.

Yeah, oh well. I don't think that's a leap. This is some reverse Conor McGregor shit that I wasn't expecting right now. I've never tried it before. I'm the best that's ever done it. But you did land a lot of things.

But you did land a lot of punches. If you tried her, you'd fight Mayweather. And you'll probably win. You don't make any sense. Clearly. Yeah, I second that. He didn't get it. Crocodile.

Crocodile, stop doing crowd work. Over here. Crocodile. Crocodile. What are the chances he says, I'm the captain now? What was it like working with Tom Hanks and Captain Phillips? Was that fun? Dude, leave crocodile EBT alone.

EBT? Hey, if you understood what a billionaire means, you don't even know what a billionaire is. How can you know a billionaire? He looks like RG3 10 years from now. Oh, look at the comedian. He wouldn't even get in a ring. Brendan Shaw from 3.

For $30 million, I would beat his ass. $20 million? Oh, dude, I think I'd smell a fly brewing, dude. I will bet on that one. I don't want none of Crocodile. Just don't bite me, man. No, I wouldn't bite you. I don't want none of Crocodile. Just don't bite me, man. No, I wouldn't bite you. I'm not Mike Tyson.

Crocodile. What do you do for work? I own my own clothing line. Of course you do. It's called V-Wear. V-Wear. V-Wear. I own my sneaker line.

It's called Crocodile Shoes. Wait, you own Crocs? That's you? No. Crocodile. There's a difference. Croc is C-R-O-C-S. Crocodile is C-R-O-C-O-D-I-L-E.

Like crocodile. It's a little different. What? Better than Louis Vuitton. Welcome to spelling B-E-T. Yeah. But he's smart. He can spell B-E-T.

Yeah. I bet he can spell B-E-T yeah I bet he can dial 911 too but he has it on speed dial he got you there the guy with one eye is crying right now and I don't know he just lost another one what is he crying about?

He lost his last eye. Are those sweatpants part of your clothing line? No. These sweatpants... Literally, I can see the outline of your dick in your pants. Excuse me. I cannot stop looking at his dick. Oh, wow.

It really is right there. Look at that. I didn't want to say anything. You got baby crocodile in the house. I mean, it's great. That's why I love women. They can find anything. Crocodile King, you truly have a semi-boner right now.

That is incredible. Are you always sort of hard? Sort of. I'm always hard. Let's dirty talk and see if we can get crocodile all the way hard. Alright. Wet pussy. I'm the one who put hard in hardcore. Double stuff. Oreo. Butt jug.

Queen. Fart. God, dude. He said a big word. Crocodile. The, dude. Crocodile. You said a big word. Crocodile. The word fart. Crocodile.

Over here, you fuck. Okay, listen to me. First of all, how old are you? Easy question. I'm only 33. Come on, answer it honestly. Bullshit. Death, no.

You are the most shot out 33-year-old I've ever seen. Are there really? Are there really? Are there really? D'Elia from the back. Chris D'Elia. Yeah, yeah. Hey, I guess black finally. Yeah!

Chris D'Elia! Dude. Chris D'Elia from Long Range. Finish him. He's about to put that on his resume that you talked to him. Dude, Chris D'Elia is like a Steph Curry of black toes. Now, if that's not a scapegoat for I can't keep up and comprehend what you're saying. No, you just got burned, bro.

So crocodile. Crocodile. All the women in here was in love with me until you said that. Crocodile it down. Crocodile it down. Okay. Crocodile. I'm going to ask you a question again without trying to be funny.

I want you to answer it honestly because I want to interview you, okay? I don't want this to end yet. And if you answer the questions honestly, this could be really good. But if you keep trying to be funny, it's not going to be. You ready? How old are you? 33. Oh, you son of a bitch. God damn it. Alright. I'm going to take my guess. I'm going

to go 55. And now I'm going to do my follow up question and here it is. You ready for it? What made you finally want to come on stage and do this at your ripe old age of 55? Honestly, I'm really 33 and honestly because No, no, no. Hear me out. Hear me out.

Hear me out. Corned people like that. What? Corned ass joking people like that. Crocodile King. People need more people to laugh. We got too many corned people on the planet. They want to laugh. They don't need your corny people.

I think we squoze everything out of you that we're going to get, Crocodile King. I'll see you later, alligator. We'll let this crocodile go. Goodbye, crocodile. After a while. Until next time. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Yeah, man. The crocodile is touching Sarah Tiana. Brendan Schaub is ashier than a 9-11 survivor right now. After that crocodile king hug on his way out. She's going to go cry crocodile tears. This past week, Sarah was... Crocodile's going to get his gun come back in this bitch. Crocodile is going to be headlining.

Real quick, I don't trust Crocodile. I don't know. Security. The band has a sponsor. Shout out to No Fear. No Fear. We don't fear shit. Especially women.

Yeah. Which reminds me, it's interesting that his name's Crocodile King because probably the only thing he's afraid of is swimming. Crocodile swim. Okay, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Tierney McCauley, everyone. Thank you. It's a long walk.

Come on, Tierney McCauley, everybody. I've worked in tech for a really long time, and I loved when I told really old people that I worked in tech for a really long time, and I loved when I told really old people that I worked in tech, like my grandparents, because they just automatically assume I'm a genius. They're like, whoa, do you write code? Are you a web developer? And I'd be like, my job is way more complicated than that, okay? I manage the whole company's entire Instagram. It's a high-stress job. But, like, my last job was really small. There was only 10 people. It was,

like, nine dudes and me. And since it was small, we didn't have HR. It's like, should anything inappropriate happen, the company policy was just that if more than one person is laughing, it's okay. And, like, one of the guys came to my desk and he asked me to smell his beard. And three people were laughing. So I had to smell it. He was like, what do you think? And I was like,

I think your girlfriend has a yeast infection. And nobody laughed. And I got written up. Tierney McCauley. I'm back. So you were on the show last week. Yes. And that was your first time on the show.

And this is your second time on the show. How do you feel about it? A little better. Dude, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say she was way more boring than Crocodile King. At least I'm not homeless. Yeah. Good call, good call. Yeah, that's a plus.

Yeah, yeah. The only thing that was dope was that yeast infection joke. I like that. I love it. Infection joke. Second, that yeast infected joke reminded me of Richard II by Shakespeare. By the way, Tierney, I don't think we ever found out

that the Crocodile King is actually homeless. He said he has his own clothing line. And a cape. And shoes. Now, I also believe that he has clothing line and clothes line confused for one another. Clothing line's where he dries his clothes. Yeah. So, Tierney, what do you do for work?

Well, I told you last week I do event production. I also work in tech. Event production. You work in tech. Did that really happen with the beard? Oh, yeah. Okay, so he really asked you to smell his beard.

And what did it really smell like? Like yeast. Oh, nice. And you really run the Instagram? What? You really run the Instagram? I used to. That was like my first job out of college.

I got another profession. You should sell your hair to border collies. Thank you. I have a question, Tierney. How do you know what... What is happening? Josh, I need another drink. Slow burn.

How do you know what a yeast infection smells like? I'm just imagining. She scoops them out before. Oh, I can tell you. There you go. We got Brian riled up. Was the reason for smelling the beard because he had done something with a woman? I don't know. I just worked in a company with all dudes,

and so they were always asking me something ridiculous, because there was no HR. How long have you lived in LA? Eight months. Where are you from? Florida. Oh, yeah. What part? Oh, we love Florida. She's used to following crocodiles. That is true. That was very smart. You did stand up in Florida?

Yeah. Nice. Jeremiah and I did stand up in Florida. Remember how it went, dude? Yeah, back-to-back Eiffel Tower, dude. What else did we find out about you last week, Tierney? What was the most interesting thing out of the interview portion? Do you remember? Last week?

Well, you guys didn't ask me that many questions because you were asking Moshe a lot about his deaf parents. Wait, what? Yeah, because I was talking about deaf people. Ew, gross. But now we have a guy with one eye. We've moved on. What did we find out?

What's the most interesting? What's something about you in your life? What do you do when you're not doing stand-up or working? I go to the beach a lot. I spend a lot of time in the ocean. Are you single? Yes. How old are you?

Are you on Tinder? No. No Tinder? Just Bumble. Bumble. are you? Are you on Tinder? No. No Tinder? Just Bumble. Bumble. Oh, you say you like... Are you DTLA? That's down to have sex in LA.

Yes. Did you go to college? That's my date rapist, Patty Reagan, right there. Have you been with another man since being in LA for eight months? Yeah. Okay. Where do you meet guys at? since being in L.A. for eight months? Yeah. Okay. Where do you meet guys at? Bumble, son.

Really? Was that guy off Bumble? There has been some, yeah. Is Bumble, like Bumble you're down to fuck? No, Bumble you ask the guy out. No, Bumble the girl goes first. Yeah, she knows. Bumble is true love, you retard.

Yeah. It's true love, you retard. Yeah. Brendan has women throw themselves at him, so he doesn't understand online dating. Oh, preach, girl. He's like, what? Women just don't come to your door?

So does the Bumble thing usually work out for you? No. No, it doesn't. No, it's not going great. Have you ever been catfished? No, but kind of. What do you mean, no, but kind of? You're talking to a pro with catfish right now. It wasn't a different guy, but I'm tall, okay?

And the guy didn't mention that he was like, and not that I have anything against short people, but I feel like you should tell someone. You can. You should tell someone if you're going to show up on the date and be 4'11". I'm 5'11". I'm 5'11". And we went skiing. This is not in L.A., but we went up on the date and be 4'11". I'm 5'11". I'm 5'11".

And we went skiing. This is not in L.A., but we went skiing on the date, and his skis were like little baby skis. Skis? It's like a very weird date. Yeah, it's a terrible date. First of all, they're cheaper. Did you use them as one of your ski poles?

Yeah. I could have. Is that how you measured him? He was like, well, when we put our skis next to each other, my skis were like this,, my skis were like this. Oh, you had a bigger pizza and French fries. Did you guys bone on the chairlift like wild animals? Douchebag, have you seen wild animals?

No, but I have a question for Tierney McCauley. What is that, Iranian? No, it's Irish. It's Irish? What? Tierney is an Irish name. I can't get past going skiing on a date. That seems like a very bizarre...

Yeah, wouldn't you want to meet him first before you went skiing? Why did you decide to go skiing on a day? I don't know. It sounded like a great date to me. Wait, were you already living near a slip? No. Did he invite you? Did you have to drive up together?

Yeah. That's a bad idea. Where'd you have to drive up together? Yeah. That's a bad idea. Where'd you guys go? Little Bear? Yeah. It's 4-11, fuckos. Yeah. It's half a 9-11. This is on Bumble? Yeah, but going skiing

is like, you have to drive there. He came up with the idea. That's a crazy first thought. Did you guys spend idea. That's a crazy first. Duh. So did you guys spend the night at the ski resort? No, no, no. I was like I got to go home. And three hours later you get home. Yeah.

Did you get your skis waxed? What about your puss? Jesus. That guy is so intense. Jesus, that is intense. Did you get your puss waxed? Not on the date. Wow. I think talking about going Not on the date. Wow.

I think talking about going skiing on a date is a great bit. What kind of car did he have? He had a BMW. He had skis. Of course he did. And a baby seat, too. He had a booster seat. Yeah, I just made that joke.

It's like a lowercase BMW. It's like a lowercase BMW So like did you know that you weren't That this wasn't going to go well Like on your way already to the ski resort Or did you realize after he got out of the car He was in the car After the hour drive Was he a white dude or was he Asian

Yeah he was white Mini Coopers made by BMW by the way I love that clown horn so much. He lured you into the BMW like a classic gentleman. Yeah. So then he gets out of the car, and you realize this guy is so short. He's like, whoa, he must be this tall to ride me. Now, Jeremiah, would you consider yourself a gentleman?

Totally. What was his job? What did he do for a living? I don't remember what he did. I think his parents made paper towels or something. I don't know. He's like a trust fund person. He sounds like a cash to me.

I never saw him again after that date. Paper towel company scrawny. Scrawny. Hell yeah. I was looking for it and you got it the band is fucking annihilating me tonight

did he try to make a move on you? no a little move? well at least when you're skiing you can be separate you're like I'm gonna go down the black diamond or whatever did you give him a sunny boner? oh my god.

Schoelberg is in the house tonight. Sonny Bono died skiing. I hope you all know that. Yeah. Glad you shared that with the class. Wow. So, alright Tierney. You were on last week. That was fun. Tierney McCauley, everybody. There that was fun Tierney McCauley everybody

There she goes, Tierney McCauley By the way, just a little fun fact If the Crocodile King had the ability to listen He'd probably still be up here right now Crocodiles don't have ears I pulled another name out of the bucket put your hands together for Michael Larimer is there movement

here he comes Michael Larimer. Oh, yeah. How's everybody doing? Yeah. I am also blind in one eye. Wherever that guy is, I can't see you over there. Oh, there he is. All right, nice. My bad. It's my left eye. Any other macular degenerates out there? Oh, there he is. All right, nice. My bad, it's my left eye. Any other macular degenerates out there? Okay, it's supposed to happen when you're like 98 years old, but

unfortunately when my left eye turned 28, it just seemed so much shit and decided to black out completely. But it's cool. You're still allowed to have a driver's license with vision in just one eye. And how awesome is that when you're trying to merge down to a major freeway and it's your left eye that's blind? So when I go like this to check my blind spot, I literally see fucking nothing. I'm still facing forward

by 45 degrees. So I got to do this weird thing where I turn almost all the way around in my car seat. That's awesome. We make eye contact with a trucker next to you and you're facing fucking backwards.

But it's okay. I actually wanted to be a Major League Baseball player, but unfortunately, being a right-handed hitter and being blind in the left eye, if I wanted to face the pitcher, I'd literally just have to face the pitcher straight on like this and swing back and

forth. There you go, Michael Aramer. Oh, shit, that's it. All the way in the bear. Fuck yeah. Hi, Michael. Hey, what's up? Oh, you wanted... No, no, that's okay.

Okay, thank you. Oh, Brendan, look at that. That's nice. You're such a gentleman. Oh, now you get another pat on the back. I think he knocked off some of the ashes from Crocodile. So, Michael, that was a fun performance. How long have you been doing stand-up?

About eight, nine years now. I just moved here from Chicago. Very cool. from Crocodile. So Michael, that was a fun performance. How long have you been doing stand-up? About eight, nine years now. I just moved here from Chicago. How long have you looked like a magician? I guess 15 years now. Who's your influences? Because I can kind of tell. You watch a lot of Dane Cook, right? No, actually not, but I've met him and he's very nice.

You have the whole... The same here. Yeah, well you definitely have the same motions. I can tell you're very physical. Is that how most of your comedy is? Hey, who's your pants tailor? You know what? They said they're not tailored very well, actually. But nobody...

I dated a chick named Taylor. She had two vaginas. Alright. Okay, okay. Michael had two vaginas. All right. Okay, okay. Michael, spin it back around over here. Yeah, yeah. So you just moved here from Chicago. How recently?

Monday. Wow. Yeah, welcome. Welcome. This is your first time at the Comedy Store then, huh? Yes, yes. Officially performing, yes. And how long have you been doing stand-up in Chicago?

Like eight years. Eight years. What do you do for a living? That's pretty much it. And I also try and teach it and teach improv and play with kids, too, for Lego. Whoa. Okie dokie. Geez.

That's what we were waiting for. We knew there was something. Dude, are there a lot of hot kids on Bumble? No. I don't know. Dude, I was just thinking about that song by Kyle Stevens, Where Do the Children Play? And what about a music video where it's like a creepy guy walking around asking people, tell me where do the children play?

All right, Pat just wrote a sketch in front of us all. So, Michael, how much money do you make about a year doing stand-up and teaching stand-up? I don't think we've ever... $5,000 a year, pretty much. So how do you survive? I don't have a refrigerator right now.

My fucking apartment came without a refrigerator. I don't know if this is normal, but... It's pretty standard for me. I literally started crying one week ago today. I'm like, wait a minute, what? That's how I am every week in L.A., even when I have a refrigerator. So what do you tend to eat that you would put in a refrigerator? Well, I have a cooler now, and there's Numero Uno Marketo place across the street from me so I have I have a

so I have some turkey and Monterey Jack cheese I need to finish within the next 12 hours I would say if anyone wants to come over are you single? yes you seem like a married guy like a dad well I'm actually dating somebody back in Chicago, but she probably doesn't get the podcast.

She does now. Wow, Jesus. She's single. Why would you wear a 50-year-old woman's power walking shoes with pants from the GQ cover with David Beckham? There you go. For those of you watching the live VR stream right now, look down at his shoes. Yes.

Michael, do you tell the students that sign up for your comedy class that your lunch meat goes bad every 12 hours? No, they're usually like rich little kids from the suburbs. Like, oh, at a school? No, they... They come to your place.

No. It was at the Second City in Chicago. Their mouths are duct taped. Heard of it. So they're rich little kids that make fun of me. That's got to be fun. I had a fridge in Chicago, just not here. A bragger.

You shouldn't call your girlfriend a fridge, dude. I know. He puts his meat in dude. I know. He puts his meat in there. Thank you. So I'm having trouble understanding how you're surviving in L.A. You just got here. But how you're going to survive.

I honestly do not know. Dude, I respect that. You literally left Chicago and you're like, I'm going to figure it out. I'm moving to L.A. to do stand-up. That's exactly what we all do. Oh, thank you. That's actually really great. If anybody has any money or job leads for during the day.

I respect that, too. Do you babysit? Yes, I can. No, way too excited. Can't do it. You sit on babies? What's the weirdest gig that you've done for money lately? I just... I hosted the Lego 85th anniversary party barbecue in Connecticut Forum.

Meanwhile, they're cutting like 20% of the company's jobs, so it's very awkward. A Lego party? A Lego party. One could say it was a block party? Yes, indeed, indeed. Yeah. Sons of bitches.

Good one. So, all right. Did you do magic for it? I hosted bingo, tug-of-war, and some raffles. Tug-of-war? raffles. Tug of War? Yeah. I love Tug of War. That is a shit job.

That is a tough job. I got a really good laugh during Bingo when I said the prize this round is going to be, you all get to keep your jobs. And like 20% of the company is getting laid off. That's great. It's hilarious. Yeah, I got a big laugh like that. So, Michael, have you...

You date? Yeah. And you bring girls back to your place? He's got a girlfriend back in Chicago. Oh, back in Chicago. How long have you two been together? About two months, but we love each other. And you moved out here?

Do you really love each other? She's from Ireland, so... Dude, how big is her thigh gap? How big is her what Her thigh gap If she doesn't have a thigh gap She's disgusting Like a thigh

A thigh gap You know the area between Where you put your legs together I think she has that Wait she lives in Ireland No she lives in Chicago now But she's from Ireland So you just met her

And just were like Hey I'm leaving you And like a month later So what does she do in Chicago? She works at an Irish bar. She's an actual Irish girl that works at an Irish bar? Oh yeah, she already cheated on you.

Damn. It could be, yes. So, alright, Michael. I'm impressed. Thank you for moving here. That's really awesome. Good luck, man. It'm impressed. Thank you for moving here. That's really awesome. Oh, thank you. Good luck, man. Yeah, good luck. Appreciate it.

It's tough enough with two eyes. No, you have a great stage presence. And I feel like if you're doing that traffic thing, you should say something about rubbernecking if you only have one eye. And those are great pants, too. Pat Reagan tried to make a joke about them, but if Crocodile King wore those pants,

I don't know. Crocodile. wore those pants. I don't know. Crocodile. Is he still here? What is your other material like? It's really good. How long a set do you have that you're comfortable with? I can do it in like an hour. I've recorded an hour before.

You recorded an hour before? Yeah. Where at? In Waterloo, Iowa. Even the answer is going to be funny. Waterloo, Iowa. Wagone? In Waterloo, Iowa. Even the answer's going to be funny. Waterloo, Iowa. Yeah. Waganoo.

Waterloo, Iowa. I'm from Iowa. If anyone's... Pew, pew. Okay, it's over there. Jesus. Pew, pew, pew, pew. Yeah, let's get a beer.

Michael, what do you think is the most interesting thing about you? That I have a black cat at home named Apollo Creed? I think he has one eye and hangs out with kids. There's lots of things I could have said there. Wait, you're really blind out of your left eye? Yeah. That's really true, huh?

Legally, though, not as blind as he is out of his left eye right now. I still got about 40% left or whatever. You're not at the level of having a... So you didn't drive here? I've never seen a blind guy make fun of another blind guy before.

Fuck that guy. It makes sense though. Clearly this guy has a drink coaster taped over his eye. It's not in the best shape. Does that throw your balance off, like being slightly blind? Oh, yeah, a little bit. And I drink a lot, too, so that does it as well. Pew, pew.

All right, guys. I got to know, are you going to lose that eye, my man? No, I'm going to be fine. What do you have? I got a last three tickets on my eyes. How'd that happen? Oh, playing basketball. That's right.

I don't give a fuck. I did mine golfing. Oh, you weren't born with it. No. Golfing? It was actually when I started doing stand-up. I was golfing and hit a four-iron off a tree from me to you. Yeah.

And it bounced right back into my left eye. Fuck. So I thought I was going to lose the eye, but it stayed there. Do you tell that story on stage? If I have enough time. If it's like one minute, it usually just grosses people out. Your vision used to be 20-20, but now it's 24. Yeah. Pew, pew.

Still not going to touch you. Still not going to touch me. That's fine. Let's get it for Michael Larimer, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. Come on. He's on Twitter at Michael Larimer. All one word.

Tierney McCauley is all one word. Tierney McCauley. T-I-E-R-N-E-Y. You're welcome, Michael. And believe it or not, Crocodile King does not have a Twitter handle. Or a phone. But he's got a clothing line. You just got to go find it somewhere.

Doesn't get good reception in his cave. No phone or car, but clothing line. You just got to go find it somewhere. Doesn't get good reception in his cave. No phone or car, but clothing line. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. I believe we've seen this young lady before. Put your hands together for Kirsten Alberts. Kirsten Alberts. This girl's just so what's just She's my baby, my baby, my baby And I'm crying until I'm in love Thank you.

When I was a teenager, I struggled with depression and suicide because I felt like I didn't have a place in this world. But I'm standing here today, so obviously it was just for attention. Thank you. So obviously it was just for attention. But for weeks I would go bungee jumping and skydiving because statistically if you do it every day, one of those times the cord is going to break. But that never happened.

And so I ended up just having fun. Very sad. But there was two reasons why I didn't kill myself. The first was I didn't want to die a virgin and let the necrophiliacs win. Because that's what they want. And the second was people told me it was selfish. And then I had sex for the first time, and I was like, wow,

he really did not need me to be alive for that. Boom. Kirsten Alberts. Wow. Killer. That was awesome. That was awesome. That's one of my favorite things

is when I see somebody that's been on this show a few times and they come back with, you know, what seems to be an amazing minute. Congratulations. Yeah, that was awesome. How many times have you done this show? Three or four times? I think three. I slapped the shit out of your hands.

No, it's okay. Three times. And, yes, Jeremiah? Dude, this is the first time I've ever been attracted to a nerd before. Oh. So, Kirsten, I remember some things about you. Let's cover it. You're a hippie.

You don't like showering, correct? I've been showering more. You've been showering more lately. Congratulations. Did you get feedback from that? Huh? Did you get a lot of feedback online from that? Oh, no, no.

I just started dating someone. Why no showers? Just depression and laziness. Well, it's a good thing. It looks like you're out of the suicide woods now, because with all those bracelets, no way you could split your wrists. Oh, man.

Yeah. Nailed it. Little douchebags. Yeah. Nailed it. So, Kbags. Yeah. Nailed it. So, Kirsten, remind me, what do you do for work again? I work from home processing health insurance claims. Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow. How long have you been doing that for? Three years. Yeah, that's why she's sad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That would do it. So you watch people just be sad and struggle all the time.

Why are you doing this to me? No, I mean, I don't talk to anyone. Oh, okay, perfect. You just deny them money for their... I just deny... No, I pay... It's Medicare, so I pay a lot of... Almost everything I pay.

You're not really sad, though, are you? I don't know. That means yes. Yeah. I don't know. We all get a little sad. Are you from here? Where are you from?

Chicago, originally. Okay. If you want to cheer up, just watch a Werner Herzog movie. How long have you been in Los Angeles? Two and a half years. Okay. And you live by yourself? I live in a four bedroom house with three other people. That's why you want to kill yourself.

If you were to kill yourself, how would you do it? I'm asking for a friend. Probably just a bottle of pills. Yeah, that's how I would do it too. I'd be like, let's just go out for a friend. Probably just like a bottle of pills. Yeah, that's how I would do it too. I'd be like, let's just go out on a high. Yeah. I say death by crocodile, dude. I respect the skydive.

You don't really do the skydiving thing. No. I did a bungee jumping once. Yeah, fuck that. And then like two days later, because it was on this gondola. It was like in Switzerland. So there was like two levels.

There was a 330 foot and there was a 530. And three days after I did it, somebody died because they put the long rope on the short jump. Oh, jeez. I'm not fucking around. That'll do it. Yeah. Fuck that noise. Yeah, don't do that.

Do the rest of your roommates shower? Yeah. That's driving me nuts. You guys don't shower? No, they shower. What do you think the longest you've gone without a shower is if you had to guess? Throw a number out there. You asked me this before. Maybe close to two weeks.

Oh my god. That was a long time ago. By the way, there's no way you can even recover after that. You go two weeks without. There's no getting clean again. I want to do that. Now I want to do it. Now I want to just be rolling down. Dude, serious fact.

Eric Andre went an entire season without bathing. Really? Yeah, whole season, dude. Wow. Everyone was like, you smell. Oh, boy. That sucks. That's how cheese is made.

Are you single? No, I'm dating someone. How long have you been dating somebody for? Since May, officially. And have they ever mentioned like, ooh, babe, you sort of have a little something going on down there or something like that? No, I started showering when

we started dating. There's something about body odor that can be really attractive. Your natural pheromones. Sometimes when my boyfriend has just a henna b BO, like a rocks, like, oh, you maybe just played a concert. Sarah's nasty. You're a freak.

I saw her making out with Crocodile King before the show. She gets down, man. Listen, whatever. They call her the Crocodile Hunter. Where did you and your man meet? That's not a nice... Where? A comedy festival. Oh, That's not a knife A comedy festival Oh, what comedy festival? Slow Fest

San Luis Obispo You're going to have to speed that up Man He's a comedian as well? That's cool Has he been on the show before? He's not here right well? Yeah. That's cool. Is he here? Has he been on the show before? He's not here right now. Has he been on the show?

Is he sad too? No. What does he do? Oh, he's a comedian. Yeah. But does he have a job, John? Yeah. If he killed himself, how would he kill himself?

Yeah. God damn it. Would you guys make a pact? If it was with pills, you guys could Billy Joel it. You could be like, bottle of could be like bottle of red pills Bottle of white pills Oh wow Kirsten

What is something That scares you What are you afraid of What scares you Water Soap Soap. Soap and water.

Getting up in front of people. Really? Good job. You were really, really funny. Oh, thank you. Yeah, it was great execution. Yeah, thanks. And let me ask you this. So when you're saying that you're afraid of getting up in front of people,

what are the thoughts running through your head when you're walking from that seat over there, approaching the stage? What's really going on? Are you still afraid when you hear your name, or are you just afraid before? Yeah, the whole time. But then when I start talking, it kind of fades out.

Just so you know, that never goes away. Oh, great. Just to give you something to look forward to. For sure. As somebody that's been doing it for 14 years. In fact, sometimes it gets worse because then you have expectations that you have to follow through on. What's the longest amount of time you've done? Brian with his favorite question.

28 minutes. Really? Good job. What are you comfortable with? 20. It never leads anywhere. Would you like to do Death Squad next Friday? What? Oh my god.

How long does she do for the Death Squad show? She can do 7 minutes. Whoa, 7 minutes. He always asks how long everybody is. I'm actually leaving next Friday out of town. She's bungee jumping next Friday. You're going to be out of town?

Yeah, I have another show. Can I do it a different Friday? Maybe. Remind me some other time. The hype is gone. Don't give her shit for working. She's working. Keep it positive, Redman. Guess what? You just ruined your career.

Yeah. Follow up with Brian on those other Mondays There she goes Kirsten Alberts everybody She's on Twitter at Dirty Hippie Comic H-I-P-P-Y I don't even think that's how you spell hippie

Is that how you spell hippie with a Y? It's not I-E? Skippy's with a Y Hippie's I-E Yeah that's what I thought too You guys really know your peanut butter over there Skippy's with a Y, hippies I eat. Yeah, that's what I thought too. You guys really know your peanut butter over there. Yeah, we do.

We put it on our balls so dogs like it all. Oh, wow. Did you sort of laugh at yourself just then? Yeah, I did. I recommend Skippy Chunky. Work harder. Okay. I pulled another name out of the box. You guys having fun out there meeting human beings?

Huh? A show where literally anything can happen This looks like a new name Maybe I'm wrong Put your hands together for Austin Scott Put your hands together for Austin Scott, everyone. I'm from Florida, so of course there's a headline involving my hometown and a McDonald's. That's what happens when you're from the same part of the country as the cash me outside girl.

Headline was, man beats woman after she refused to have sex with him after he bought her mcdonald's breakfast pretty self-explanatory but i'm gonna dive into it homeboy was driving in his car he gave his girl a couple mcgrittles and he was trying to get some roadhead and she was but about pop pop not blowing him so he got out of the car and started beating the fucking shit out of her yeah that's why when i say I'm from Florida, I feel like y'all should be clapping like I'm six years clean off heroin. Then we got teenager poses as gynecologists fooling doctors and patients. He got away with it for a fucking year, folks. And I know what we're thinking.

He's probably like an autistic kid. No. He comes off and he's like totally fucking intelligent. And I know you're thinking, he's probably white. But no. Malachi Robinson, a black man, which says one thing about this country, that race relations are getting just a little bit better.

Because that couldn't happen in the 1950s. Fuck yeah. Austin Scott. I have no idea what the fucks. Fuck yeah. Austin Scott. I have no idea what the fuck you were talking about that entire time. Where are you from? West Palm Beach, Florida. Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Hell yeah. Dude, this is my new favorite comedian, dude. You combined our two favorite things, dude. Florida and talking about beating your girlfriend. And there's a punchline with that, but I can't remember it. Neither could Austin. Also, that autism bit was dope. Dude, I like how you tilt your head up when you talk.

All right. Austin Scott. I always wondered what. Oh, boy. Okie dokie. I guess this is its own thing now. Austin Scott. I always wondered what... Oh, boy. Okie dokie. I guess this is its own thing now. Go ahead. No, I just was all...

I always wondered what it would look like if Reek from Game of Thrones developed a skateboarding habit. There you go. Radical. Yay. Got it. Game of Thrones reference. Game of Thrones reference.

Got it. So, Austin, what the fuck was that? How long have you been on stand-up? Two years. Sometimes headlines are funnier than the bit. It's like a joke on a joke. So sometimes when a headline is funny, it's hard to make a joke about a headline

because the joke was the headline. Like this current event he was doing? Yeah. He's like, I heard you had head. So you're from Florida. How long have you been in Los Angeles? Three years now. What do you do for a living? I serve

at Yardhouse. Instead of making a joke about headlines, you should make a joke about long lines. Wow. Got a live mic over there tonight. Alright, so how long have you been at Yardhouse? The whole time? Wow. Got a live mic over there tonight. All right. Yard house.

So how long have you been at yard house? The whole time? I've been there a year now. Just wait tables there? I can't imagine you being a server. Yeah. Do they make you wear your hair back? Yeah, I got tied up.

You have to tie it up. You're in the kitchen? No, server. Do you do ponytail or man bun? Oh, man bun, all the way. Jeremiah? I think this audience, and we can all agree we'd like to see what it'd look like whenever

he comes to the table to serve and ask for an order. Yeah, perfect. I agree with that. So let's say Brian, me, Sarah, Brendan, we're all out at a meal. You can take the mic out of the mic stand and approach the table how you would if we were waiting at Yard House. Go ahead.

I love Yard House. I'm so excited to order this. What are you guys going to get? How are we doing, folks? Oh, shit. This is disgusting. Look at this stupid man bun. Oh, my God. It's fucking gross. You guys want to go to Applebee's?

Let's get the fuck out of here. Wow. Go ahead, Austin. We're just kidding. Oh man, I'm so excited about this. Welcome to Yardhouse, folks. My name's Austin. I'm going to be taking care of y'all.

Wait, what did you just put on the table? Oh, I got coasters. I got to throw the coasters. Oh, I thought you were throwing ninja stars at us. Okay, I cut you off again. Boy, man, I wonder where the fucking waiter is here today. It's taking forever. Hi, folks.

How are we doing? Oh, shit. We're good. We're good. Welcome to the Yardhouse. My name is Austin. I'll be taking care of y'all. Can I get you to start off with something to drink?

Maybe a half yard of your favorite beer or a Moscow Mule? Ooh. Do we go with two and a half meters of drink or a little cup of vodka? I don't know. I understood that more. I'll have an Arnold Palmer, please. Oh, there you go.

I'm just going to have a water, no ice. Okay. Would you like a lemon with that? No. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to have about seven yards of beer. Seven yards of beer. Two of those.

Two of those is good, man. I'll have what he's having. Okay. Do you have any he's having. Okay. Do you have any, by the way, before you leave and get our drinks, do you have any recommendations for what we should eat tonight? Nashville hot chicken. Yeah, a Nashville hot chicken plate. All right.

Brian, why are you helping this guy do his job right now? That's my go-to. That's so gross. He literally knows the yard house menu. That's the only thing they have on the menu. What is it? The Nashville hot chicken? All right.

Now that's off the plate, by the way. I'm going to re-ask the fucking question. Jesus, how are you a better waiter at Yardhouse than this guy is? Just read my Yelp review. By the way, before you go get our drinks, just a question. I'm thinking about maybe ordering like an app. Do you have a recommendation for like an appetizer?

Yeah, we have an onion ring tower. That's a beer battered onion rings, deep fried with a side of Chipotle ranch or regular ranch. Do you have anything that comes that's not three feet? I have an onion tower. I got the yard of beer. We got the world trade center wings. They're hot.

Man, they will take you down. Everything's the size of tyranny's date. You have anything that we won't shit our pants with? No. All right. What's your least favorite experience you've ever had waiting tables at Yardhouse? What is that like? It seems like you'd have some real douchebags over there.

Oh, yeah. We get all kinds of people. Who tips the worst, like race-wise? Ooh, good question. Good. Brendan Schaub with perhaps the question of the night. It's ex-MMA fighters. Brian.

Yeah, Lakers fan. It's across all races, but if you look like a bum and you order the lobster garlic noodles, you're probably not going to tip me. Yeah, that's all you have. Our tool bag waiter is never going to come over and take our order. Yeah, what is he doing? He keeps waiting on this other guy.

He's just talking to this fucking table. God, this is my worst nightmare. Dude, we might leave. We might leave and take our business to the Olive Garden. It seems like those customers over there really want some help. What's up, Russ? How you doing? You want some Jager bombs?

Hey. Good call. I freaking like this guy, dude. Yeah Good call! I freaking like this guy, dude. Yeah, Austin! I freaking like this guy. Gleek on that guy. You guys got pussy, dude? Do people ever ask you

if you're what you do and you say you're a comic and they say tell you a joke? Dude, wait. What do you do when they say that? Justin was over here and then he just went back

to the other table. Austin, can you please go take those guys' order real quick? Can I get you something to drink? Hell yeah, dude. Yes, can I have a rosé, please? Like a nice chardonnay, please, if that's okay.

Would you guys like a six-ounce or a nine-ounce pour? The six-ounce. We don't want to squeeze the stomach too much. Okay. I'll also have the six-ounce. Cool. Can I see your ID? Is that Pinot Grigio?

What? Fuck you, man. We don't have our IDs. We're old, dude. Dude, have our IDs We're old dude Suck our knob Wow What was your question for him Sarah I was just saying like what do you say when people ask you

What you do and you say you're a comic And they say tell me a joke When I was waiting tables people always did that I guess he got a drink order Yeah I don't know if it ever really went in He just kind of looked at us and then he kind of walked off. Did they have Pinot Grigio? He didn't even get Joel's order.

Or Chris the bass player. It's not Chris the bass player. They know he wants a margarita. You're right. Hell yeah. What does he know? Austin, have you been in love since moving to Los Angeles? Why does he spell Austin with an E instead of an I?

All right. Wow. Okie dokie. Austin. Dude, now this other table's talking to us. Dude, hey, are you guys having a good time over there? No. What's up?

What do you think of the waiter? We've been waiting. This guy's pretty sweet, right? Can we share your onion ring tower? Hell yeah, dude. I'm starving. Dude, take it. Share your onion ring tower.

Hell yeah, dude. Starving. Dude, take it. When Jeremiah misbehaves, the whole thing goes off its fucking track. A little fun fact for you diehard Kiltoni fans. Sometimes he pretends like he's not misbehaving, like he knows that he's not, and then it fires up every blow. Dude, it sucks to misbehave in comedy. Austin Scott. Because there is a live show happening.

So, Austin, have you been in love? No, not in L.A. Not once in L.A., and you've been here for a year. Two, three years. Three years. What's the closest that you've come to being in love? Fucking. Fucking.

Hell yeah, dude. Fucking. Sounds like a true yard house. Dude. One time a girl tossed my salad, I was in love for like six minutes. Hell yeah. All right, Austin.

We're going to keep moving. I'll have a tossed salad. We're going to keep moving along. Cool. There he goes. Austin Scott, everybody. No Twitter handle, huh, Austin? No Twitter handle, huh, Austin? No Twitter handle.

Brendan, who do you think the funniest... Misbehaving. You guys are fired. Unbelievable. So, Brendan, who do you think the funniest fighter would be? If somebody had to do stand-up. I know this is a random question that I'm asking you out of nowhere. It'd have to be someone creative.

So either Connor or Chael Sonnen. Yeah. Connor probably. Wasn't Connor supposed to be in Game of Thrones? He was and he turned it down. Oh, he turned it down. Yeah. He'll get into Hollywood after.

Me too. Yeah, I turned it down. I would have to say Brock Lesnar. That dude is fucking hilarious. Hilarious, man. Have you ever heard him talk about Miller Lite? They were the sponsor after he won UFC 200 or something like that. He goes, I'm going to go home and fuck my wife and drink a Bud Light.

I was like, what the fuck? Can he even spell Miller Lite, Brock Lesnar? Tough. He has a dick on his chest. He does. It's like Little Mermaid dick. You guys ready for more show or what? Huh? Fucking live main room of the Comedy Store.

Ryan J. Ebel chiseling away over there. I can see the outline of Sarah Tiana's head right now from here. Alright, we got another Austin. If you like that last Austin, then you might like this next Austin. His name is Austin Langley.

Yeah. So after years of studying, I've come to the conclusion that old people are batshit bizarre. The other day I watched an old guy walk up to another old guy and go, Hey, is your name Tom? He's like, No. He's like, Oh, I thought you were one of my friends. He's like, How good of fucking friends are you with Tom?

I feel bad for Tom in this situation. He's got a friend over here who doesn't know what he looks like. Some dude who's just grateful his name doesn't happen to be Tom. My mom's phone went off the other day for a solid 45 seconds with the most obnoxious Motorola ringtone. I'm a nice person. I respect my mother. So I said, Mom, you're going to answer the goddamn phone? She said, Oh, just a text message.

Like it could have fooled me. It sounded like an Amber Alert. My dad still leaves voicemails like I have an actual answering machine. He's like, Austin, pick up the phone. I know you can hear me. Pick up the phone. If you're at home, pick up K. Call me back.

Lady at the thrift store. Go back. Lady at the thrift store. Go ahead. Lady at the thrift store having a real heavy conversation on her Bluetooth. Literally had to turn away from the 90s board games that I was looking at just to stare at this woman for the slight chance that she might realize I fucking hate her. Austin Langley. Hello, how are you?

I'm good. I had fun. That was fun. Good. Okay. I didn't ask you that question, but I like that you already answered it. Well, everybody. Yeah.

One of the first things that I always do is I ask the person, did you just have fun? Yeah, I did. Very good. I mean, you're wearing a jersey. You're ready for fun. Yeah, you look like you starred in the Sandlot and gave up and haven't done anything since. Still wearing the costume.

Austin, I feel like there's a little something. I already have the feeling that you're going to be an interesting interview. Can I tell you that? Can I say that out front? I feeling that you're going to be an interesting interview. Can I tell you that? Can I say that out front? I feel like you're going to be honest and you're going to answer questions in a great way.

He's all, sure. I'm like, I always thought they were doing something sketchy. How long have you been doing stand-up? What? One year now. Really? You have really great stage presence for a year. I think it's almost up on to like year anniversary. I'm not quite sure the exact date. I like the way you say anniversary.

Where'd you start at? Spokane, Washington. I was just there a couple weeks ago. Your name is Austin, and I'm going to be in Austin the first weekend of October. Cap City. Not to be confused with the last comedian who was named Austin, which is where I'll be

the first weekend in October. Also a server. Dude, I would like that. You are too? Where at? I live in, I mean, I'm from North Idaho, so I wait at a brewery there. Foot house. Not yard long brewery or anything.

No, they use the metric system. Yeah. Close to Canada, so yeah. I work at Meta House. Austin, Austin, Austin, dude, I like that part of your set when you talked about respecting your mom. I respect her, too, the dumb bitch. Pat, I almost cried when your mom got up.

I thought it was one of the most touching moments of Kill Tony. Hands off. Sorry. Yeah, dude, she's all mine. Too late. So what do you do for work now? Oh, I'm still a server. I'm just visiting.

Oh, you're just visiting? Yeah. From Spokane? Well, North Idaho, yeah. From North Idaho. What happens up there? Not much. No.

Skiing. What's the name of the city that you live in? So many open mics. What's the name of the city that you live in? Sandpoint, Idaho. How many people live there? 7,800. 7,800.

There's more people. How do you know that exact number? Are you the census taker? No, that's just the sign. I drive by the sign every day. Oh. 7, 8, 4, 2, or something. I like the way you say your S's.

They whistle. It's like you whistle and you... I think I'm just a little nervous. I don't know. Maybe they always whistle. It's almost like a West Hollywood list, right? Yeah, exactly I accidentally pushed the wrong song

But that was perfect. It worked. I enjoyed it. Well, guess what? I still saw it through, you bitch. Now, Austin, another question.

Do you always choose, do you always dress like a teddy bear? No, I like, that's the best one I've heard yet. I've heard like the baseball and stuff, yeah. Oh, okay.

For sure. So, you've been doing comedy for a year. You're visiting from Idaho, the middle of fucking nowhere, northern Idaho. Do you have a clothing line? I was asking Croc about it. Oh, you call him Croc. They're on that term. They're on terms.

You look like you're waiting for Pennywise the Clown to come back any day. What's your favorite Stephen King novel to fuck a fleshlight to? I don't fuck fleshlights. How old are you? How old are you, Austin? 28 years old. 28 years old? Why do you still live in Idaho?

Do you like it there? I do. I do. What French fries, dude? What do you like about Idaho? I've got a ski resort that's less than 20 minutes away from town. You ski a lot? Yeah.

So when you took that girl on a skiing date, what... No, that's fine. Got it. You're taller than we thought. Why did you go into comedy and not become a barista? Because you definitely look like a barista. Yeah, you do. I've done it before. Or as he would call it, a barista. Yeah, you do. I've done it before.

Or as he would call it, a barista. Barista. All right, Austin. So, I mean, I don't really understand how you love northern Idaho. I don't really get that. I mean, it was where I was raised. There's no black people there. What's not to love?

I mean, it's got everything. I don't know. Are there black people there? We've not to love? I mean, it's got everything. Are there black people there? We've got a couple. What are their names? Did you notice that the sign when it said 7,842, did you notice that when the two black people

moved in, they didn't adjust the number? You literally have a couple black people that are married. So, what do those black people do in your city? Come on. Stay quiet.

There's more than a couple. Hey dude, how are the black people different from the white people in that city? Can you tell us the differences? It's a trap, Jeremiah. They eat sweet potatoes instead of regular potatoes. What are the Black Lives Matter rallies like there? Do you know what any of the black people

in your city do? There's a big company that just moved in, Coachava, so there's a lot of people that work there. What's the company do? You almost said a lot of them spyware no i didn't yes you did dude yeah you almost did you almost said a lot of them dude don't freaking do that dude freaking watch out dude we got your races back right here dude watch it what is the company that it's a um it's like a spyware company like so when you google something and then the next time you go on to a web page it's like a spyware company. So when you Google something, and then the next time you go onto a web page,

it's like, you were looking up Hawaii trips. And then that's the, I don't know. So they target market. They're like Google. They monitor what you're searching. Like when you're looking on Amazon for protein powder. And then the next time, that's what Brendan does. And then you go to Twitter.

And then it pops up all the time. All day long, they're like, here's your protein shaker. Still want it? Way all day. 1999. Hits me every time. That is such a funny image. Now I'm trying to picture how many pounds of protein there is in Brendan Schaub's Amazon cart right now.

Oh, I got some strawberries, some vanilla. Dude, is this soy free? This is for the guys healthy. Oh my God. Oh, fuck you. So healthy. When they make protein cigarettes, I'm going to smoke the shit out of them.

I'm going to be so buff. That's why he doesn't like the guy from Idaho because potatoes are starchy. Carbs can't do it. That's North Idaho doesn't like the guy from Idaho because potatoes are starchy. Carbs can't do it. That's North Idaho. Southern Idaho's potatoes. Oh, sorry. What's Northern Idaho known for?

Huckleberries. Huckleberries? What the fuck? Oh, the N word. Alright. No, it's like one of the capitals. The huckleberry bush is a weird one because it can't be domesticated. You make a nice jam out of huckleberry. The huckleberry bush is a weird one because it can't be domesticated. You make a nice jam out of huckleberry.

It was created, right? Any kind of bush is gross. It's a man-made berry. No, huckleberry is just a wild berry that can't be planted or anything. Are we talking about berries right now? Yeah, huckleberries. Is there a lot of spots to do stand-up out there? In Spokane, I got to travel in.

Yeah, more like's blossoming. I'm traveling. Yeah, more like Chuckleberries. Chuckleberries. You knuckleheads. Hey Pat, has your mom ever walked in on you and you're jerking it to a Hawaii trip? I'm still thinking about chuckleberries.

Do they pee on you? That's a Chuck Berry reference. Chuckleberries. Oh, that's funny. Do you like to pee on women? There's a video of that. You guys should look it up. Chuck Berry peeing on somebody.

Yeah, Chuck Berry peed on a lot of people. Thanks, Sarah. I recommend R. Kelly. So, Austin. Whatever. I'm old. You would love Austin? You have a girlfriend? I do have a girlfriend. I don't know if I would cross the line. I'm old. You in love, Austin? You have a girlfriend?

I do have a girlfriend. I don't know if I would cross the line of, like, we're in love. She's watching right now, too. She's a potato. Oh, she's watching right now? She's a potato. In Idaho? Yeah.

Oh, my God. You just made her so sad. I know. Yeah. How long have you been dating for? A few months. A few months. What's her name?

Time to dump her. Claire. Claire? Hi, Claire. Yeah. She's a first grade teacher. Hello. A few months. What's her name? Time to dump her. Claire. Claire? Hi, Claire. She's a first grade teacher. Hello. Hello, Claire. What's up, girl? What's up, Claire? I'm sorry, Austin. Claire just came looking at Brendan

Shaw directly in the eye. Who's the black woman that you were sitting with earlier? That's Crocodile Queen. That's the black woman that you were sitting with earlier? That's Crocodile Queen. That's the Crocodile Queen. Don't let your Idaho friends find out you're sitting next to a black person. Where'd you meet her? Where'd you meet her in Idaho?

We went to high school together, and then never really in the right situation. We always hit it off and had friends of friends. So then when it got going again, what happened? You were in a high school reunion? When you guys were in high school, did you guys mash potatoes? Idaho jokes. Yeah.

Yeah, we're just chipping away at it. There's only so... But no, and then, yeah, we hit it off. I had recently gotten through like a separation through an ex, yeah, we hit it off. I had recently gotten through like a separation through an ex, and then we hit it off, and it's been great ever since. Wow.

How old are you? I'm 28. Gotcha. All right, Austin. You're from southern Idaho? North. Oh, potato, potato. So there's like the panhandle.

I'm basically like 40 miles away from Montana, 40 miles away from Washington, and like 60 miles away from Canada. Oh, the panhandle. Basically like 40 miles away from Montana, 40 miles away from Washington, and like 60 miles away from Canada. Oh, the hub of comedy. So they speak English there? Dude, is it just me, or is the North Idaho shaped like a dick tip? It's just you.

It's not you, dude. All right, Austin. Well, it was nice to meet you. You were great. Thank you. You had a great stage presence. There he goes, Austin Langley, Austin. Well, it was nice to meet you. You were great. Thank you. You had a great stage presence. There he goes, Austin Langley, everybody. I'm here on a little trip from northern Idaho

where he listens to the show because, surprisingly, northern Idaho has the internet. Yeah, reception and a cell tower. It's part of their population. God, I want the fucking eyepatch guy so fucking bad. Me too, man. Wow. Dude, he just made that happen

with his heightened senses. It's fucking Cyclops over here. Alright. Put your hands together for Rishi Arya. Alright. Put your hands together for Rishi Arya. Rishi Arya.

Here he comes. Live. Alright, hey guys. I joined a gym and I've been eating better so I've lost a lot of weight and now my whole family thinks I do cocaine. And I would correct them but I kind of like the idea that they think I'm successful enough to afford that much cocaine. It's in the win column for me. I feel like white people in L.A. are more Indian than I am. Like they're all doing yoga.

And they have Hindu symbols on their cars. Like white people might gentrify neighborhoods, but we gentrify their souls. A little something about myself, as you can probably tell, I have a hairy ass. Like, I feel like you can tell that from face value. I feel like you can tell that from face value. Like my ass is so hairy that I can show it to all of you right now and you still wouldn't see it. Go ahead, what is it?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. How hairy is it that I can show it to all of you right now and you still wouldn't see it? Dude, that's freaking worth it, dude. Fuck yeah. Rishi Arya. By far one of the funniest doctors we've ever had on this show before. Thank you.

I'd always love it when you would tell House how he's wrong about his theories. And then killed myself. That's true. Wow, you watched all the way to season seven. I never saw it. I just hear about what all the famous Indians do. That's true. Wow, you watched all the way to season seven. I never saw it. Look at you. I just hear about what all the famous Indians do.

That's a deep reference. So did you ever find the White Castle? Yeah. All right. How long have you been in stand-up, Rishi? About six years. Six years. Good job.

Where at? I started in New York, and then I moved here. How long were you in New York? Three years. Oh, no. I was in New York three years but I only did it for the last year and a half. Now, to travel from New York to

L.A., is it true that you rode on the top of a train the entire way? With your family? I actually, I'm still lost. It's a shy one. Tony, you said... Thank you. That's how funny I thought it was too by the way. I'm with that guy right over there. When you said you joined a gym,

does that mean that you had butt sex with a guy named Jim? And then when you said that you were eating healthier, does that mean that you were eating the sweat off of his neck? And then when you said your parents thought you were doing cocaine, does that mean because you lost weight because you got AIDS from the butt sex with Jim? Yeah, all three. All the above. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you find tougher? Comedy in New York

or L.A.? Maybe here. Because in New York, there's more real people. Like, in L.A., a lot of people are, like, actors in the audience. You know what? I'm going to get a second opinion. Yeah, all right. What do you do for a living? How do you survive? In L.A., a lot of people are like actors in the audience. You know what? I'm going to get a second opinion. All right. Okay.

What do you do for a living? How do you survive? I do subtitles for movies. Whoa, that's you? I speak French. I ended up having to pay somebody to do that when I made my own one-hour Netflix special called One Shot streaming right now. And you had to pay someone to do the subtitles? Yeah, I had to pay somebody to do that. I remember specifically, they're like, you have to pay someone to do the subtitles? Yeah, I had to pay somebody to do that.

I remember specifically, they were like, you have to pay somebody to do the subtitles. I'm like, what the fuck do you mean? And then, yeah, I had to do that. And you could have been that guy. No, but I do the French subtitles. Oh, perfect. French? Yeah, it's my first language. Yeah, Netflix is... French is your first language? Yeah, I'm from Montreal.

Where were you born? Montreal, Canada. That makes sense. Almost wrong. They have Netflix in France, just to let you know, Rishi, just making sure that you know. Kyle Kinane used to do that. Really? The subtitle thing. Did you set the fur traps in Montreal?

Ben oui. Wow, that really Russell Petered out. So, Rishi, wow. Indian, French, that was an amazing joke Joel Berg is in the motherfucking house So Rishi, how long have you been doing subtitles for? Since 2014 You probably get paid good money for that

It's a pretty niche job Not at all, no Really? No Have you done anything cool? Like any cool projects? No, I mean with the subtitles I just do all the movies that come out I get to see the movies before they come out

What's the last cool movie you've seen? Cool movie? I saw Battle of the Sexes a few days ago Did that come out yet? Battle of the Sexes? See you got all the new shit It's in my queue It's that Billie Jean King movie

Oh yeah yeah It's in my LGBTQ Let me ask you something I wish we had him when Austin was up Oh, yeah, yeah, Steve Groves. Add to my LGBTQ. All right. Let me ask you something. I wish we had him when Austin was up so we could have heard what he was saying. Sarah, you are. I'm tired. So what's it like to ride in boats with tigers?

Very scary, I guess. That's a very, very, very awesome question. I have a better one, dude. What's it like living on the reservation, dude? Wrong Indian. Yeah, that was wrong. That's feather, not dot. Fair.

I have a question for you. Who let the slum dogs out? The Bombay men. Rishi, have you ever done the subtitles for a movie and then gotten a letter from a deaf guy that was all like like that? Yeah, the letter jumped off the page and screamed

at him. Wow. You guys really are douchebags tonight. Really fully committed to the character. Even if something gets a laugh, just attack it. Rishi. If you got to rename yourself and not have your silly Indian name that you have, what would the name that you gave yourself be?

Jim. I don't know. Max? You've really thought about this, and you really want to be a white boy named Max, don't you? I always want a one-syllable name, yeah. I want him to do a joke in French. Can you speak a little French to us? Can you tell Sarah something romantic in French?

Yeah. Okay. Est-ce que vous voulez avec moi chez le Chateau Blanc? Oh my God, he said that he wants to eat your country dumpling pussy. Wow, I can't believe you said that. He definitely said biscuits and gravy. I asked if she wanted to go to White Castle.

Yeah. By the way, I've never seen a less confident Frenchman before. I know. Polly Goose. Okay, that was nice. How disappointed are your parents in you? Oh, man, like crazy.

Really? What did they want you to be? They wanted me to be an accountant. How many brothers and sisters? They wanted him to res an accountant. How many brothers and sisters? They wanted him to re-sheep for the stars. You have two sisters? Are they both like a dentist? One's a doctor, one's a lawyer. Okay.

There you go. And you're the comic. Is the Maharishi the guy who was with the Beatles? I have no idea. I'm wondering. Maharishi? Yeah, that's it. I was just wondering that

No answer What do your parents do? They own a bowling alley Really? That's awesome That's sweet Like a Brunswick? That's a really really tough job

To pin down That's Chris Hardwick His family job to pin down. Yeah. Jesus. No, that's Chris Hardwick. His family owned bowling alleys. Hardwick Lanes. Really? Yeah. More than one.

That's how, yeah, his parents owned so many, like started Hardwick Lanes. Oh. Or his dad. Are your parents still together or did they split? Are they still together? Yeah, I've heard of 710, but you look more like 711. There you go. Hello.

Hi, everybody. The big bucks. Austin, first week of October. The employees went on strike. Do you have a spare joke? Yeah, it's got three holes. Do you talk about speaking French? French, no.

I don't really. You don't really bring that up? Stay in your lane. Not really, no. I think you should bring that up. Yeah, maybe it's like a little throwaway. Yeah, as a bumper. Yeah.

Yeah. You don't want it to end up in the gutter. So let's see here. Man. I feel like. Your dad started. Your dad's an Indian guy that started his own bowling alley? Yeah.

Man, that really takes a lot of balls. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Are you a really good bowler? Are you Jesus-ing jokes over here, Brian? You're a really good bowler. Oh, have they gone too far? I haven't heard you come up with one.

Yeah, exactly. You know the last one? Yeah, you turkey. Come on. Come up with one. Is there a poopy bum-bum bowling joke that Brian can make anyone? The last time I bowled, I bowled a 301. Wow.

Is that true? You can't bowl a 300 and lose. Wow. Well, you said we were doing dumb jokes. I agree with Brian all of a sudden. There weren't too many bowling jokes. You said. That was the one.

Well. Man. All right, Rishi. You said. That was the one. Well. Man. All right, Rishi. So it was nice to meet you. I thought you were great. Thank you so much. If Sarah always says that she thinks everybody's great right at the end. Yeah, that's why I had a lot of bad relationships.

Crocodile King is going to hold you to that. I'm in love. That's a lady that said I was great. Get over here. Rishi Arya, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. He's on Twitter at Rishi underscore E-H. R-I-S-H-I underscore E-H.

Austin Langley is on Twitter at Wes Langley. I was going to ask if when he met girls, he tried to hold them like a bowling ball. Well, good thing you didn't get a chance to ask him that. You know what I'm saying? Two in the pink, one in the stink. Like three fingers automatically? I feel like dancing right now.

Okay. Do you guys want to go to the bucket one more time before we end this fucking super show, huh? You guys having fun out there tonight? You guys having fun out there tonight? That was the most bunk-ass response I've ever seen in this fucking room. You guys ready to go to the bucket one more time? Fucking lazy-ass L.A. crowd. Everybody thinks they're too good to have fun.

Did you order an Uber? Who's getting the Uber? I can feel your dumb peasant thoughts out there. Jesus, fuck. Pay attention. Enjoy yourselves until it's over. Live in the moment, you idiots. Yeah. Exactly.

This is exciting. I don't even know what to say here. I'm just going to start naming things and hope that this human being walks to the stage. I'm excited about this, and you will know why in a moment when I say the name. Gormless Gabe Garola Gabriel V? If any of those sound like you. No one cared who I was until I put on the eyepatch.

That's an earlier throwback. No, I had a fun day today. Fuck you guys. You didn't get it the first time. You don't get to laugh. So I saw a pigeon, you know, like you do. But this pigeon, there's something about her. I know it was a girl because I was attracted to the pigeon. And yeah, you know, you kind of, where do they go? You feed them, and then they leave you. I keep feeding them, and the birds, they leave. Doesn't matter what type of bread I use. Usually wheat bread.

That's not like a race thing. Wow, that was fucking terrible. Alright, you have a bunch of names on your piece of paper, so what do you want me to call you? Gabriel. Gabriel. Yeah, that's fine. Alright, Gabriel the bomb artist. Let's get into it. How long have you want me to call you? Gabriel. Gabriel. Yeah, that's my name. All right, Gabriel the bomb artist. Let's get into it.

How long have you been doing stand-up? I don't. This is your first time trying it? Yeah, obviously. That's the shorts. I write stuff, and then I just... What do you write? Talking to the microphone.

Talking to the mic, yeah. One-liners and, you know, like... What do you do with them? Write them on Twitter? No, I just write them down on my notebook and then I go to sleep. How could you say he's not funny to me? This guy's clearly funny.

You're living my dream. I will say you are clearly funny. You're a clearly funny person. More like Gabriel the angel. Wow. I believe in you, Gabriel. You're a funny motherfucker. You're just standing there being I believe in you, Gabriel. You're a funny motherfucker. You're just standing there being funny.

Thank you, sir. A left-handed handshake from Gabriel. Jeremiah, I'm the guy that sticks to physical comedy. Gabriel, over here. Thanks for your mean Twitter comment. Now telling me in person. Gabriel, how old are you? 23. 23. Are you in college right now? me in person. Gabriel, how old are you? 23.

Are you in college right now? I'm not, no. What do you do with your life? My uncle got me a job working as a preschool photographer. A preschool photographer. You just said that. He said that with a straight face, by the way.

He did not smile. How busy are you with that? Tony, honestly, I subscribe to that magazine. I'm glad to have it. Preschool monthly. Highlights for children? Like, what are you doing photography for? Action shots?

I mean, when we hear a word like that as comics, we're like, ah, ah. So excited. I know. I get in trouble a lot because I have a problem taking that as comics. We're like, ah, ah. So excited. I know. I get in trouble a lot because I have a problem taking my work home with me. Wait, was that? Dude, he doesn't just write jokes. He writes ransom notes, dude. What else do you have like that?

Like, tell us some more things about you that might be like that, like well-written or something. Why do they call it Bluetooth? It should be called Blue Ear, right? Right? Right? It's Revolt. It's a system.

It's broken. Okay. It's more your delivery. It's like a combination of your delivery and what's going on in your mind. That's what's funny to me. I feel like you're three steps ahead of the rest of us. I feel like you're in 2019. What if...

Are you Mexican? Unfortunately. Wow. Jesus. I didn't want to say it. I didn't want to say it. I don't want to go there either. He said it. I didn't have to.

Why do you think you always look so serious? You have such a serious look on your face. I'm a broken man, Tony. What's broken about you? And you're Mexican, so why don't you fix it? What's broken about you? I'm just messing around. You remember Brianna Upton, the chick?

Nope. No, we have no idea who. I know, I'm just messing around. No, you remember Brianna Upton, the chick? Nope. No. No, we have no idea who you are. I know, I barely remember. No, she was on here twice, and she's a... Was she on tonight? No. She's one of the persons you took a picture of?

No, she's of age. Okay. What are you saying? You like her? What the fuck is happening here? Are you trying to ask her out? Is she in the trunk of your car? What the fuck are you trying to get out?

Is she in your cargo shorts? Okay, let's say I did say yes, I remember Breonna Upton. What would you have said? Just because she mentioned me during her interview. About what? What did she say about you? Just sort of my background. Like what? What did she say about you? Just sort of my background. Like what?

What did she say about you? After high school I went into the military and then I got out and then I just needed a job so I'm doing that. Why did this girl Brianna talk about you? What was the context? What the fuck is going on right now? I know, I'm trying so hard to figure this out. What the fuck is going on right now? Somehow at the end of the day I'm responsible

for whatever the fuck's happening right now. So I'm trying to really dig here. I know. I'm thinking of jokes. Don't think of jokes. Don't do that. Just answer the questions honestly. What are you looking at?

Over here. Okay. All right. What are you saying about Brianna Upton? You guys have a past or something? Yeah. Well, we used to date. Uh-huh.

You know what he's done. Okay, and then what? Brings us to now. Everything brings us to now. Now is now. You can't just say that. We're in real time. This is live. Brings us to now.

Does it bug you when people say in IRL or is it IRL? I don't want your jokes anymore. What the fuck? No, Jeremiah, don't do it. In IRL is in real life, man. In IRL is... Do you guys still hook up, you and Brianna?

No, we're friends. Oh, okay. Well, very good. It's like a Bob's Burgers character that they cut out from the fucking... What do you do for a living? I take a... But how do you really make a living? He's a motivational speaker.

That was a joke about how you can't take your work home with you. A lot of energy. How do you make a living? I have too many expenses, so that's all. How do you eat? Do you live with your parents? Yes, I moved back in. How many brothers and sisters do you have?

I have two little brothers and then one younger sister, but she's 22. You sure? I call them models. How do you eat pussy? How many kids do you have? Can you show us how you eat pussy? Okay. It goes a little bit like...

You just put a bib on I believe I just saw a bib You just made guacamole first Welcome to the art house He's looking for hot sauce Yeah Wow That was romantic

Did you just eat that pussy with a fork? Yeah At least use a sp? Yeah. You're 23 years old. You should at least use a spork, dude. You're 23. You're not in college. Did we find out what you really do for work? Did you answer it on it? He quit his job to do comedy, which was a bad idea.

So you live with your parents. You're going to do stand-up full-time. You're going to live with your parents for about a decade. That's the plan right now? And take pictures of kids. No, I don't want to. No, this is just something fun to do before-up full-time. You're going to live with your parents for about a decade. That's the plan right now? And take pictures of kids. No, this is just something fun to do before I have to buckle down. Buckle down to what? I'm going to be a police officer.

Are you really, or is this another joke? Why does everyone say ah? It sounds like a setup to me. Okay, what are you going to do when you're a police officer? He's going to shoot an unarmed black person for sure. He definitely is going to overreact. It'll definitely be the first time he kills. That's for sure.

So easy. Too easy. Shut up. I'm allowed to do that dumb kill joke once every year. I allow myself. Do you want me to do my bowling joke again? Yeah, do it again.

301. We have a 301. 301. All right. 311 means public nudity. Does it? No, 311 means a dope band. All right, you know what?

We're going to do something fun. We're going to do something fun because I don't think you're really that passionate about being a stand-up comedian. So, in your place, we're going to get rid of you. There you go. You're done. Good job. There he goes. It's Gabriel, everybody. Tony. I was going to end the show, but I think we should

do something fun. What do you think, Brian? Something fun real quick? No. Tony. You guys want to do something fun real quick? No. Tony. Tony. You guys want to do something fun real quick? Yeah. I had Josh write down his name during that last comedian

so he's coming up to give you a little taste of his fucking eyeball. Put your hands together for Nick Caradoyanis. Hey guys. how we doing? If you can't tell, I got my eye gouged this week And when I went to the ER The nurse checking me in

Was asking to see the injury And I take my ice pack off, and she shrieks, runs out of the room, says, I don't do ice stuff. And I timidly respond back, but do you do butt stuff? Yeah! Guys, do you ever see a dolphin

with one of those soda can rings around its snout and wonder where the other five dolphins went? Guys, who goes to a strip club on the holidays just so they won't be the saddest person in the room? A strip club's a special place. It's a place where you'll see someone celebrating something, a wedding, promotion, a divorce, sitting right next to a lonely guy that wants to see one more titty before he grabs a handful of Tylenol. And I can make that joke because one time I took a handful of Tylenol. And now it's funny, every morning I gotta take a handful of pills just to make sure I don't take a handful of pills.

Okay, yeah, thank you. Fuck yeah, Nick Caradoyanis. Wow. You know, a lot of people have told me that I have quite the eye for talent. And seeing you up here, I got to tell you, man, you are like a fucking hurricane. Because they also only have one eye. But wow, that was very fun. You're very in style right now.

That eye is just as timid as I am. What? The eye of the hurricane. Meteorology humor. I like your shirt at least. Well, you can also probably only destroy in Florida. This is probably the best question I'll ever ask.

Do you cross your eyes and dot your Ds? Yeah. No. Wow. Wow. That was impressive That's my party boy Patty Reagan right there Man

What do you do for work Nick? I also work at Yardhouse Shut the front door Let's take a field trip Field trip If you told me you worked at a restaurant I thought for sure I would have guessed Popeyes Well blow me down I would have guessed Popeyes.

Well, blow me down. I would have said IHOP. Yeah! I got two legs. I don't know what to hop. I didn't see your set, but where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from? Cotton Eye Joe.

Zolberg. That's all right. Are you going to get the new iPhone? This is too easy, isn't it? Yes. Really? Yeah, you should have done all these jobs. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure you can see all of these coming. I did it. Queer eye for the queer eye over here. Man, how long have you been working at the Yardhouse there, Patch Adams? A little over a year. Wow. You enjoy it? Sure.

Where are you from? Boston, Massachusetts. Boston? Yeah, you're going to be there on Friday, right? Yep. I'm going to be there at the end of November, no big deal. Kill Tony live in Boston, streaming 360, or if you're Nick to be there on Friday, right? Yep. I'm going to be there at the end of November. No big deal. Kill Tony live in Boston, streaming 360,

or if you're Nick Cardoyas, 180. What is that? What's that name? What's your ethnicity? Greek. Yeah, it is. It literally means Walnut John. Walnut John? Yeah, I don't know why.

Aren't you guys glad I asked that? How long have you been out here? I've been out here for two years. I've been doing a stand-up for one. Like your eyes? Oh, God. Two for one? Full-time stand-up?

Full-time stand-up, yeah. Yeah. Oh, you didn't sound too enthusiastic. I'm just checking you out man so are you waiting tables right now at Yardhouse with that scary ass eye patch glued to your fucking I bet you get better tips

no I don't let's do something fun here let's do our thing you come up and take our order man I sure am hungry me too I want a ribeye what are you guys going to get? Oh, shit.

Fucking creepy. Welcome to the yard house. Disgusting. Yeah. I need more coasters. Fucking disgusting. Come on, guys. We're going to Applebee's.

Can we get another waiter? I'm going to bring Austin back up. He's better than me. Oh on, guys. We're going to Applebee's. Can we get another waiter? I'm going to bring Austin back up. He's better than me. Oh, my God. So did people handle it well earlier? Did people just laugh at you? I got so many dirty looks. Right.

Everyone thinks I got in a fight, and I'm just a boy. You could have made that up. I wouldn't assume fight. I don't look at you and think fight. I don't think fight at all. Either that or it's the biggest Magic the Gathering disagreement ever. You fucking cheated. Much closer.

Man. Is your eye leaking something? It looks like there's some juice leaking through it. Are you serious or not? That's not true. That's just Red Band's go-to for comedy. Okay. Word, word, juice, leak.

I have an ophthalmologist appointment on Wednesday, and that would be good to let them know. So you lacerate your eyes, so you have a cut on your eye. Yeah, I do. And you have to cover it for what? Just so that it can heal without bacteria and dust. Were they all out of eye patches, and they just wanted to use that? No, I'm not a Kaiser Permanente member, and I went to their ERs.

Are you a Kaiser Temporary member? No, so they legit did the least that they were allowed to do. It looks like it's coming off a little bit near your nose. Is that true? Can you take it off for the... No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Oh! Wait, wait, wait. Oh! Oh! Ah, wait. Oh! Okay. All right. That looked like Sissy Spacek. Can you put it next to the VR camera so the people at home can see it? Yeah, that one right there.

No! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Somebody call an ophthalmologist. He's got a demon in his eye. I'm into it. Is that weird? You like it?

Maybe I'll take you out to dinner. You guys can go get some poke or something like that. Pokey. Pokey? You might poke your eye out. We got great poke at the Yardhouse. No, you don't. Do you really?

It's good. They do now. They're not paying me to be here. Man, I could have sworn that they told you years ago that you would shoot your eye out. And then look at you now, all grown up. You just never learned. Yeah, 24 hours a day on CBS on Christmas. TBS, I get it. Yeah, everything you say kills my momentum.

Nick, this was fucking awesome. You did it, buddy. Thanks for taking us home. There he goes, Nick Caradoianes. Ladies and gentlemen, I know for a fact Sarah Tiana's working. Where are you coming to soon? I'm going to be in Tampa the first weekend of October,

and then I'll be at the Sacramento Punchline and the San Francisco punchline in October. Brendan Schaub always grinding. Two of my hardest working friends. How about one more time for Sarah Tiana and Brendan Schaub? I'm at the Laugh Factory Long Beach on Friday and then Pittsburgh and Nashville November.

Both of these guys are hustling like crazy. It's SarahTiana.com and BrendanSchaub.com right for tickets? Nope. TFAK.com. TF crazy. It's SarahTiana.com and BrendanShop.com, right, for tickets? Nope, TFATK.com. TFK. That's right. TFAK. TFATK.

TFATK. TheFighterAndTheKid.com. TFATK.com. TFAK.com. TheFighterAndTheKid.com. If you're a fan of me, make sure you go back and listen to that episode that Brendan and I did together recently on the fighter and the kid. I got feedback all around the country for that. It might be the best one ever.

Yeah. Wow. People had a lot of fun. Check out this drawing from the amazing Ryan J. Ebel. That happened. That's amazing. That happened while you all sat there. I can't see it.

That's brilliant. That's very cool. I'm in Cap City the first weekend of October. We're in Boston this Friday. A lot of other fun stuff coming up in the first month. Well, first, yep, November. I'm in La Jolla, Denver, Phoenix. A bunch of fun places. So that's all at TonyHinchcliffe.com.

The best damn band in the land is over there. Put your hands together for these douchebags. From best to Durst. Dude, check out, get some t-shirts from me at jeremiahwatkins.tv slash shop. Got Reagan Watkins tees, the Wave shirts,

just a lot of stuff. And also, email me at yourboyjeremiahwatkins at gmail.com with moments that you'd like on video. I'm trying to revamp the YouTube page for Kill Tony, so get at me. It is really cool. I just saw a clip of feminist Stacey attacking Eric Griffin from a few weeks ago. That got a lot of hits real quick.

I'm excited about these new besties. Today, Ron White's three minutes went up. Oh, Ron White closed an episode by performing on the show and he fucking annihilated. That was so great. Jolton Joel Jimenez. Oh, wait. Mostly... Wait, go ahead.

Do your thing, guys. Yeah, anybody. Guys, hi. Thanks. We got a show coming out on Comedy Central Snapchat September 25th. Check it out. It's called Void.

Patty motherfucking Reagan. Dude, I just want to recommend the movie Love and Death by Woody Allen. Chris, the bass player is... Chris Dillon, a.k.a. Chroma Chris. Check out Drac and the Swamp Rats, also the Chroma Keys. There he is. Fucking awesome band.

Awesome band. Well, that's that. We're going to see you next week live here at the Comedy Store for another fun episode of Kill Tony. I'll be in Indianapolis with Death Squad November 8th and Columbus Ohio November 9th. Live audience, thank you so much. We'll see you on the front patio after the show for high fives or whatever you guys want.

We love you. Good night. We'll be right back. Like they toss up the cash and she showed me her kid. Got some white girl and a white girl. Do all my time. A lot off of her. Thank you.