KILL TONY - KILL TONY #232

Episode Date: September 29, 2017

Sal Vulcano, Dom Irrera, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 09/25/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoic...es.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:58 Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv. Click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store at 8 o'clock, we're also on the road. We have a Death Squad Halloween show October 29th at the Road Famous Comedy Store. November 8th, I'll be in Indianapolis, Indiana with Kate Quigley
Starting point is 00:01:24 and maybe a secret guest at Morty's. November 9th, I'll be at my home club back in Columbus, Ohio at the Columbus Funny Bone, November 9th. You can go to deskwad.tv and click on tour dates for more info. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has a website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his tour dates. He's all over the place. He's going to be at Cap City October 4th. He's going to be in Rooster Teeth Feathers in Sunnyvale October 12th. And La Jolla Comedy Store the weekend of November 10th. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com.
Starting point is 00:01:57 Also, Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws the posters. He does prints of every episode. You can go to his website, ryanjebelt.com. All right, guys, and don't forget about Shop Squad. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We have some Death Squad hats, shirts, even fidget spinners.
Starting point is 00:02:14 Go to shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony and... Hey everybody, what the fuck is up? Make some noise, come on, loud. You're gonna get louder, do it again. Louder, louder. That's motherfucking kill Tony. Brian Redband's in the house.
Starting point is 00:02:48 What is up, guys? Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. All prints at ryanjebel.com. You guys are at the number one live podcast in the world. Make some noise again. Yes. Power. I'm excited about life, Brian.
Starting point is 00:03:06 A lot of fun stuff happening in the world. I'm fucking pumped about everything. I had a great fucking meal recently. Me too. Yeah, Kill Tony is supported in part by HelloFresh, the meal delivery kit service dedicated to making cooking fun, easy, and convenient. I actually got it today. It arrived on my front porch.
Starting point is 00:03:27 It's like this box, and it has ice packs in it. And there's just bags. Each bag is a meal, and every single bag has all the ingredients. So everything you need, just like a little salt, a little oil, it's all in there. And it only took me 20 minutes, and I had an awesome meal. It was great. I made tacos today. You sent me a picture with you wearing the apron.
Starting point is 00:03:44 Yeah, it came with an apron. I had a little apron. I was great. I made tacos today. You sent me a picture with you wearing the apron. Yeah, it came with an apron. I had a little apron. I was cooking with my booty shorts on. Just adorable. Each week, HelloFresh creates new delicious recipes with step-by-step instructions dedicated to take around 30 minutes for everyone from novices to seasoned home cooks,
Starting point is 00:03:58 short on time, all for less than $10 a meal. They source the freshest ingredients, measure to the exact quantities needed so there's no food waste. But they also employ two full-time registered dieticians on staff who review each recipe to ensure it's nutritionally balanced. All delivered
Starting point is 00:04:14 to your doorstep in a special insulated box for free. For $30 off your first week of deliveries, visit HelloFresh.com and enter the promo code KILLTONY30 at checkout. Are you hiring? Huh?
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Starting point is 00:05:34 That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. One more time, to try it for free, go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. Do you guys love Kill Tony? Do you? If you do, then you love the Kill Tony band. Fun fact, they just got a new show on Comedy Central's Snapchat. Void is one of the most hilarious and compelling new things you could possibly watch. Five episodes total, all coming out this week.
Starting point is 00:05:58 There's two available right now. That's on Snapchat. Check out Comedy Central's channel. The show is created and starring Pat Reagan, Joel Jimenez, and Roast Battle's Brian Moses and our good friend John Tomaszewski. It's really funny.
Starting point is 00:06:11 The Kill Tony Band got their own fucking Comedy Central Snapchat show. How about that? That's just a commercial out of the goodness of our heart. We've got to say thanks to Boston, by the way. We were in Boston Friday night. And we only had like four weeks notice.
Starting point is 00:06:25 Sold it out. It was packed. Fire were in Boston Friday night. And we only had like four weeks notice. Sold it out. It was packed. Fire capacity in Boston. What an unbelievable show. Hopefully the audio, I saw your, it's a battle. Oh, it's a battle. But hopefully we're going to get that out there soon for you listeners that are out there. And the ones listening to the live stream on the show right now.
Starting point is 00:06:40 I'm in Cap City in Austin, Texas. The first weekend of October. In fact, I get there on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, a bunch of shows. Rooster Teeth Feathers in San Francisco, 12th to the 14th, La Jolla, November 10th and 11th. And I'm about to make an announcement. You want to do a breaking news? I'm about to make a big tour announcement. You guys like big tour announcements?
Starting point is 00:06:58 Huh? How many Americans do we have in this audience tonight? Well, we have breaking news. I, Tony Hinchcliffe, one of the top young rising comedians in the world, am doing my second full-blown Australian tour. November 22nd through the 28th. 22nd in Melbourne.
Starting point is 00:07:23 Two shows in Sydney, the 23rd and the 24th. And then Brisbane, the 28th to 22nd in Melbourne, two shows in Sydney, the 23rd and the 24th, and then Brisbane, the 26th, day off on the 27th to fly to Adelaide, and then I'm in Adelaide on the 28th. It's my second November tour. I'm going to be spending Thanksgiving in Australia, letting my brother know. He's in the audience.
Starting point is 00:07:39 Make some noise for Donnie Hinchcliffe. Let me crash on his couch when I was becoming one of the top young rising comedians in the world. I'm excited about tonight's show. We have two of the funniest guests as we have every single week on this amazing fucking show. Are you guys really ready to start the show? It's a fucking half-ass energy crowd tonight. But maybe you guys will get a little more excited when I tell you that tonight's guests are Sal Volcano and Dom Irera.
Starting point is 00:08:06 Two of the greatest fucking comedians in the world. Uh, uh, uh. Oh, you know what? Let Dom take the inside. You take the outside, Sal. I like Dom next to me. Thank you, Tony. Come on, guys. It's Dom Irera and Sal
Starting point is 00:08:24 Volcano. There you go. That sounded good. Now they're getting it a little bit. You guys have both done the show a bunch of times. I'm super excited to have you guys back. As always, we always fucking have fun with you guys. I saw both of them last night at the Impractical Jokers Live. If you're a fan of the show, you have to go see it.
Starting point is 00:08:43 I laughed my ass off. One of the greatest nights I've had in a while, man. It was fun. Thank you so much. And a great ending also. What a great ending. Sal and his friends, the Impractical Jokers, one of our favorite shows, sold out the Greek theater in Los Angeles last night.
Starting point is 00:08:57 That's where you clap. Welcome to being in public, Kill Tony fans. That's where you would clap like fucking adults with respect. Jesus fucking Christ. And last time you guys were guests on this show together was in Austin, Texas when Jeremiah Watkins,
Starting point is 00:09:16 band member, got attacked by a comedian on Mushrooms. So who knows what can happen tonight? Let's just jump right into the festivities and I will bring up our favorite band with their new Comedy Central Snapchat show called Void. It's my favorite band in the world. The best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Chris, the bass player. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:09:43 Oh, shit. What is happening? Oh! Wow, the people love it. Wow. All the women and people that aren't white love that shit. How did they get all those jerseys? All the white guys just staring.
Starting point is 00:10:08 But the women go crazy when football players kneel. What's up kneeling football players? What's up? We're woke football players. Wow, I didn't know that the San Diego Chargers had four backup kickers. I'm only good at soccer, so you know.
Starting point is 00:10:27 Oh, well, I'm excited about this. The band commits to characters throughout a show. Oh, wow, look at that. He's got hands and a nose. I got dropped from the Seahawks. Jeremiah Watkins. Pat Reagan. Joel Jimenez.
Starting point is 00:10:50 I'm excited about your guys' show, Void, on Comedy Central Snapchat. But time for Kill Tony! Everything's in place. A bunch of people signed up before the show. Some of them promising comedians. Some of them insane people that just sign up lists when they see a spot to sign up. If your name gets pulled out, you get 60 seconds.
Starting point is 00:11:10 You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Oh, you can barely hear that, Brian. It's so... Oh, boy. That means wrap it up then, or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Are you guys ready to start Kill Tony? out the angry West Hollywood bear.
Starting point is 00:11:26 Are you guys ready to start Kill Tony? Alright, I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket then they get an uninterrupted 60 seconds and then they become a guest on the number one live podcast in the world. Shall we? Let's do it. I pulled a name out of the bucket. The first name going up tonight is Joe Welke.
Starting point is 00:11:49 Here he comes. From deep in the darkness, Joe Welke. One more time for Jill Welke, everybody. Here we go. Thanks, Harry. I'm getting sick of guys complaining about getting hand jobs. I had this guy friend of mine
Starting point is 00:12:09 come up to me the other day and he was like, yeah, I hooked up with this chick last night. And I was like, awesome, man. He was like, no, it wasn't awesome. All I got was a hand job. What is this, fourth grade? And I was like, yo, who is getting hand jobs in fourth grade? Dude, I think you might have got molested.
Starting point is 00:12:30 You want me to call somebody for you? It's just all these greedy guys are ruining handjobs. You can't get them anymore. They're out of print. You are way more likely to get unprotected sex than a handjob. Way more likely. I don't know, just these greedy dudes, you know, they just ruined it. I feel like everybody in this room can make eggs just as good as Denny's,
Starting point is 00:12:59 but sometimes you don't feel like making it, you know? Like all these guys... All right, here we go. Sorry. You know, like all these guys. All right. Thanks, guys. Joe Welke. So who was getting the handjob there? A friend got a handjob in fourth grade? Yeah, a friend of mine.
Starting point is 00:13:17 You didn't get a handjob in fourth grade? No. Your first handjob was when? Ooh. Ballpark it. Freshman year of high school? Perfect timing. Freshman year of high school was your first handy.
Starting point is 00:13:34 You remember your first blowjob? Yes, I do. At the rate you're going with handjobs, it's probably your yesterday. It was, I think, junior year in an elevator of a laser tag arena. Wow, an elevator. How many floors did you go up on that elevator? That's a quick finish,
Starting point is 00:13:52 buddy. It's only a three floor trip. One floor. I took the elevator in a Holiday Inn Express. Well, it came before I got in. Fuck yeah. It was the first one, so yeah, it was quick. Your first blowjob was in an elevator?
Starting point is 00:14:11 Man, going down. Hello. Brilliant. Welcome, everybody. Go for the laser tag. Stay for the outright cock sucker. I thought it was really cool
Starting point is 00:14:29 because it was not only funny, but it was informative. Yeah, thank you. I feel like I learned from that and I felt some sadness about your life. But it's good for comedy, you know? Yeah, yeah. What's the last handjob you got? I can't even remember.
Starting point is 00:14:47 Just a handjob, I have no idea. So Dom was right, all right. You don't go to massage parlors ever? What's that? You never go to massage parlors ever? No. That's the only time a handjob is acceptable, I think. You think?
Starting point is 00:15:01 Welcome to Brian Redband's thoughts, everybody. What do you mean it's the only time it's acceptable? Well, I mean, if you were with a girl and you weren't at that location, you'd be like, unacceptable! Well, I think that's like his whole joke. Like, yeah, I don't want a handjob. Like, who needs that? No, I do. I was getting nostalgic about them.
Starting point is 00:15:21 You just can't get them anymore. Yeah, massage parlors. Rubmaps.com. You can get them more now. Yeah, massage parlors. Rubmaps.com. You can get them more now. Oh, my God. That's so, so bad. You can get them more now. You just have to know where to go.
Starting point is 00:15:32 Well, now that this is out there. Tony. I know. I feel like if you ask a woman for just a handjob, it's kind of insulting. You ask for what you want? I don't know. Communication is key, Sal. Joel Jimenez.
Starting point is 00:15:48 I mean, I'm passionate about this topic, honestly. I think the handjob is highly underrated. I back this guy. I'm all about that. It's true. Mexicans like all jobs. That's right. Joe, what do you do for a living?
Starting point is 00:16:04 I do social media and, like do you do for a living? I do social media and write articles For a couple different websites What kind of websites do you write articles for? There's one called Screen Rant It's about comic book movies And shit like that That's a popular website You're underselling it
Starting point is 00:16:19 Have you seen the movie The Blind Side? Yes, I have. Very good. How long have you been doing stand-up, Joe? Embarrassingly, like nine years. Nine years? Oh, fuck. I'm going to go to my specialist, Dom Irera, on this one. I'll jump in on this.
Starting point is 00:16:42 I would move on. Nine years? Yeah, I started jump in on this. I would move on. Nine years? That started when I was 18. A minute you did a handjob bit after nine fucking years? You gotta hand it to him, John. Oh, that is so... Anyway, keep up the good work.
Starting point is 00:17:01 Can I ask? I didn't track the ending with the Denny's and the eggs. Yeah, I fucked that up. I've missed the setup on that one. I don't know if it was me or if it was you. No, I fucked that up. That's cool.
Starting point is 00:17:18 Where have you been doing comedy for nine years at? What cave in the desert have you been doing comedy at for nine years? Well, I started in like... The Joshua Tree Chuckle Hut? Well, I started in like D.C., Baltimore, and then I was living in New York the last five years. I just moved here like six months ago. Wow, D.C., Baltimore area.
Starting point is 00:17:38 Yes, sir. Nine years, huh? How much time do you have? Like if you had to do a set, what's the most you can do? I mean, I've featured before like 30, 40 minutes. Oh, cool. So like two quarters. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:51 Oh, wow. 40 minutes is substantial. Yeah. Yeah. Was that something new that you were trying? No, that's a little old. So it's old and you still messed it up in one minute. How long have you been in Los Angeles for?
Starting point is 00:18:08 Like six months. Since the end of March. What's your living situation? I live with a weed delivery guy. Shout out to LA Speedweed. Shout out to LA Speedweed. Shout out to LA Speedweed. Get your weed delivered right to your door. You can get it all just delivered to your door.
Starting point is 00:18:25 You can get your weed, your Hello Fresh, get the munchies afterwards. It's delicious. Cook a meal yourself. I have a question. Yeah. Was this setup just like something that you made up? Because I was really trying to be perceptive as to if that happened, but it seemed very convenient.
Starting point is 00:18:40 And he was like, what, fourth grade? No, that was real. A guy said that. He was like, ooh, this is fourth grade. So everything really. A guy said that. He was like, ooh, fourth grade? So everything really did play out that way? Mm-hmm. Oh, okay. Well, I wasn't quick-witted enough.
Starting point is 00:18:51 I got that staircase wit where I just figure the joke. Oh, well, then you should do comedy on staircases more often. I got a handjob on a staircase in high school. Honestly, I swear to God, true fact. Really? Yeah, yeah. And I thought I wasn't going to finish, but then I did, and then I swear to God, true fact. Really? Yeah, and I thought I wasn't going to finish, but then I did, and then I had to go to science class. Wow.
Starting point is 00:19:11 I'll probably regret saying this, and you're all welcome. I had sticky shorts for the rest of the day, and that's all I'll say. That's what we call a safety in the business. Jill, what scares you? What scares me? Dying irrelevant?
Starting point is 00:19:36 Never having an impact? You are facing your fears head on tonight. My goodness. All right, Joe. Did you have fun? Yeah. All right, there he goes. Joe Welke, everybody. my goodness alright Joe did you have fun? yeah alright there he goes Joe Welke everybody
Starting point is 00:19:49 you had fun you heard him some of these people like the punishment it's like a S&M show so far we got into a conversation
Starting point is 00:20:00 after seeing the show with Brian and his girlfriend about the first time we came and I honestly I came like at least a gallon of cum conversation after seeing the show with Brian and his girlfriend about the first time we came. And I honestly, I came like at least a gallon of cum. Seriously.
Starting point is 00:20:12 I really came so much. I can never get this image out of my head now. Think about the next time you're about to eat. But I came so much that I thought I'll never have a kid because I don't have any cum left. Anyway, let's go with the show.
Starting point is 00:20:29 Just a musical break there. One time I came so much, there's a rain delay. Wow. Now, are you doing a character tonight? I don't know. Are you doing a character tonight? I came so hard one time. I said,
Starting point is 00:20:48 oh no, I've gone too far. I take it back. Wow. Joel Jimenez in the house. No signs of Joelberg yet this evening. Still waiting on Joelberg. Dude, Tony, I came so hard I went. What? What?
Starting point is 00:21:05 Have you ever came so thick it made a bubble? Okay, there we go. That's where the momentum goes to die. One time I came so hard we lost all our podcast sponsors. All right. How hard did you come? You guys are just a bunch of fucking rugrats. You know that?
Starting point is 00:21:28 You fucking guys just love playing with the devil, don't you? One thing we can't really make a joke about. Let's do it. A bunch of bad kids in a classroom. You gonna play something? I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Maddie Hanson everyone come on Maddie Hanson it takes a while in the big main room we used to be in the belly room used to take only seconds but
Starting point is 00:21:59 we've gotten bigger come everybody. Maddie Hanson. I've dated more gay guys than straight guys. I used to think it was like a phase, but I'm like seven or eight gays deep. And the best part is I'm like turning them gay. I'm a flipper. Like it's like me and then it's just like full homo. But you know, like I see this community service, like I feel like the more guys I can turn, you know, the cleaner our streets are going to be. The better architecture is
Starting point is 00:22:40 going to be. Gym memberships are going to skyrocket. Priya sales will skyrocket. And then, you know, like all the holes in the ozone will be closed. Like all the holes in general will be closed because of me. And then I win like the Nobel Pulitzer, the one where you don't have to read that much. I recently made friends with a lesbian, and it's really cool. But I started to feel like she had feelings for me, you know? What? Maddie Hanson, everybody. Wow, Maddie, you just set everything off.
Starting point is 00:23:27 One time I came so hard while I was doing a live podcast. Did it bubble? You sell volcano. So fucking good. Oh, I'm sorry. Maddie Hanson, let me guess. She's been doing comedy nine years. One year. One year. All right. You've been doing comedy nine years. One year.
Starting point is 00:23:46 You were just on recently, right? I was. I told you you're one of the funniest Fox News anchors I've ever seen in my life. You did. You said that. Maddie, what do you do for a living? Property management. Do you often tell jokes when you're showing people houses or apartments?
Starting point is 00:24:05 Do you have any jokes that you regularly do? Or are you just very serious, like how you are right now? I'm very serious. Really? Yeah. Okay, so if you were going to sell me, Dom, and Sal, and Brian a house. Okay. Well, I don't sell houses.
Starting point is 00:24:18 I lease apartments. Oh, just apartments. Yeah. You let the wolf out. Everybody knows that if you only work with apartments, a real estate wolf comes out. One of our most rare sound effects that we use.
Starting point is 00:24:32 The old apartment wolf. The wolf of the comedy store. There you go. The wolf of the comedy store. Alright. Jeremiah, here's how I'd sell you a house. Hey, this is a house. 135 people this is a house. 135 people died in it.
Starting point is 00:24:50 Wow. Can you tell which one of the football players is the most concussed? So, Maddie, are you good at it? Do you think you're good at getting apartments leased? No. No, you're not good at it. What makes you say that? I mean, I just have high availability right now.
Starting point is 00:25:10 You do. Like, my percentage is high. Okay, if you were going to sell the four of us a four-bedroom apartment, how would you do it? What would you say? I think that's a house. Four-bedroom apartment? Yeah, what is the number of rooms before it becomes a house? A house is a standalone thing, you fucking buffers. No, but that's a condo.
Starting point is 00:25:26 There could be a four-bedroom apartment. What? There could be a four-bedroom apartment. Is that a thing? I've never seen a four-bedroom apartment. Yeah, that's a condo. Yeah, but it could be a thing. What?
Starting point is 00:25:38 It's supposed to be like a comedy show. That's bullshit. I'll tell you what a fucking house is. I've never leased a comics. It takes a special person to have a home, right? Is that true? Yes. Anyone could be a father.
Starting point is 00:25:56 It takes a special person to be a dad. Right. True. Maddie, what made you want to start doing stand-up comedy a year ago? What changed in your life? Did something happen or what made you start? I mean, I don't know. I always wanted to try it. I just didn't think.
Starting point is 00:26:11 Are you getting sleepy? I don't know. I didn't think there was. What? Are you getting sleepy? No. Oh, you just look like you were fading. Oh, sorry.
Starting point is 00:26:16 I mean, so like you just said something you wanted to try. Did a lot of people around you tell you that you're. Just. Red rum, red rum. Red rum. Okay. Did a lot of people around you like in your life tell you that you're funny? No. No? No, they didn't.
Starting point is 00:26:36 I just wanted to confirm that. I just... Are you happy doing stand-up? Does it make you happy? Yeah. I like it, yeah. It does make me happy. Do you hear that noise that happens? I think you make that happen with your eyes. It's like I'm in the ocean or something.
Starting point is 00:26:52 Maddie, what's the smartest thing you've ever done? The smartest? Brian, you're out of control over here. This fucking soundboard is smoking for you podcast listeners. Brian's fingers are just on fire tonight. The engineer going mad. I get nervous and I push things. The smartest thing I've ever done?
Starting point is 00:27:12 Yes. We talked about this last time. No, I don't remember. Okay, you don't remember yet. Well, I have a degree in American history and that's like my favorite. That's like my passion. American history. Colonial history.
Starting point is 00:27:28 Huh. What's like something that you could teach us that's cool? Nothing. Yeah, nothing's cool about it. I don't know. All the history in America that you just said that you've studied and that you love. That's of all the things that have happened in American history.
Starting point is 00:27:49 You just said I asked you what you're into and you said American history, right? Yeah, but I'm trying to, just one fact. Sure. Do you remember anything that you've ever learned? I don't know. I'm listening to my second
Starting point is 00:28:02 George Washington. I don't know. I'm listening to my second George Washington makeup. Our homes. I would like to see, if you're passionate about American history, I would love to see you weave that into what you're doing. I'd like to. Enough of these handjob jokes.
Starting point is 00:28:21 Let's hear a good old John Hancock joke. You know what I mean? First of all, fashion sense, off the charts. Oh, okay. Thanks. I would disagree because she looks like a 49er up top and a raider down below. I thought you had a really fun delivery. Like, really, when you began to speak,
Starting point is 00:28:40 I was getting amused and almost laughing at just your laid back kind of like, it was like a tippy toe type of delivery and I thought that was a strength Your style was very interesting Tippy toe delivery because you could sleep right through it Is that what you call it?
Starting point is 00:28:56 Alright, I'm just being mean at this point So, tippy toe delivery is one of the taggiest things you've ever said Hey, you want to try and turn me? It's too easy. All right, Maddie. Whoa.
Starting point is 00:29:11 It's too easy. Wait, Maddie just woke up. I was just about to let her go, and she said something. Touchdown. It's not going to be that easy to turn me. I swear to God, I love to. I'm sure you've been turned around a few times. He can fit a lot of dudes in his
Starting point is 00:29:25 end zone. Maddie, are you single? I am. Wow. Oh, wow. How long have you been single for? Since the last gay. Seven years. Seven years? Yeah. Seven. Wow. Like, no boyfriend? No. Seven years?
Starting point is 00:29:41 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's peculiar. I've dated some gays in between. What is this thing? Why do you think that there's so many gays that hook up with you? Why do you think that is? Because she's got a big dick. You could probably lease that shit.
Starting point is 00:30:00 Dom Irera. Yes, you did get an applause break, Dom. I don't know it's been like four of them four gay guys well yeah some of them are one of them is like full blown AIDS
Starting point is 00:30:18 you don't want to say full blown when you're talking about I know I just hope one of them is like completely gay and then I have like three that are like bi, which is pretty much gay. Wait a second. Completely gay. What's that mean? He only puts the dip in?
Starting point is 00:30:35 Well, like I was the last woman that he dated and now he just only dates men. Maybe you're hanging out the wrong place. You can walk outside, throw a rock and hit a straight man and in nine years you haven't dated a straight man here yeah of course no i no i have i'm just saying there's some like gays mixed in there she's she's like a bond grinder percentage of gays is higher than the percentage of full straights
Starting point is 00:30:59 i mean sexuality is like a how do a pendulum How do you know that you follow up with all these guys? Are you one of those girls who just thinks that if they don't want to be with you they must be gay? No, I've caught some of them homoing You've caught some of them homoing? That's a new verb I didn't know existed
Starting point is 00:31:21 Homoing? Oh yeah, that's a new entry to Webster. You mean playing football? Can you use that in a sentence? What? Can you use that in a sentence? I just did. I caught you homoing.
Starting point is 00:31:35 She did. Now, homoing is when you upgrade from three bedrooms to four bedrooms, right? Yes, it is. With one bath. Hello! Still got it. when you upgrade from three bedrooms to four bedrooms, right? Yes, it is. With one bath. Hello!
Starting point is 00:31:49 Still got it. I mean, we are on a realty homosexual tear up here. Homosexual tear is right. When you've caught them homoing, what have you seen? What does that mean? Well, one of them i i had like suspicions because he spent like a lot of time in weo and he used to be a dancer at mickey's
Starting point is 00:32:11 um which some straight men are but so i kind of like i created okay i like created a fake phone number and then texted him a picture of a hot guy from grinder and it's like hey remember me and then he was like no like i don't swing that way. And I was like, damn it. And then that night, a few hours later, he called that number. You wanted him to be gay, though. Yeah, this is crazy. We just found out you're crazy.
Starting point is 00:32:34 You're crazy as fuck. He foiled your projection of gayness onto him? Fuck, he's not gay. Even if you were going to try to catch him being gay, you decided to pick a random picture of a random guy and you thought he was going to be like oh yeah I fucking remember
Starting point is 00:32:51 you your name's Maddie Hanson Maddie Hanson and to catch a gay I'm sure well I wanted to find like it had to be specific I wanted to make sure it was someone he would go for you're so subconsciously You're subconsciously dating these gay guys and then trying to uncover it.
Starting point is 00:33:12 It's like this mental thing that you're doing psychologically. I think that means you're gay. But I've also found... But I also had time... He would have me pick him up late at night and he'd be with his male escort friends. Oh, God. You need to move.
Starting point is 00:33:28 Dom, you know how it is when you hang with your male escort friends? Ah, your old male escort fans watch the old football game and just hang out. I do feel like you live a world that nobody in this room lives. Yeah, I used to work in high-end retail, so
Starting point is 00:33:44 that's probably... What's high-end retail. That's probably... What's high-end retail? You wouldn't know. I'm sorry. I don't know. Chanel? I'll take a shot in the dark. You got it right? Men's warehouse?
Starting point is 00:34:01 A department store? You're right. He wouldn't know what high-end retail was. He sold out the Greek Theater last night, but he wouldn't know a high-end retail. You're right. He's just total... He's just over here just homo-ing around. He doesn't know what the fuck's going on. Alright, Maddie Hanson, you're one of the craziest
Starting point is 00:34:17 ladies I think we've ever had on this show. You weren't really, like, outgoingly crazy, but there's a lot of demons. A lot of demons in that one. Texted her boyfriend a picture of another dude. Do you remember me? All right. This show's out of fucking control.
Starting point is 00:34:43 The Kill Tony Band. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for C.J. Kelly. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Here he comes. Steady jog. How we doing, everybody? My name is CJ Kelly.
Starting point is 00:35:06 I was born in Boston, Massachusetts. I grew up in South Florida. And I hate to admit it, guys, but I am white trash through and through, you know? Like straight up, if Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit went on tour together, I'd be front and center. Getting hammer drunk. Especially growing up in Florida. My dad never really laid his hands on me. He did it one time. I kind of deserved it. These kids ripped me off for like $400 worth of weed. And my dad had a gun in his safe with a fingerprint, right? Fingerprint scanner. I put a piece of tape
Starting point is 00:35:39 over the fingerprint scanner. And then in the morning at at 6 a.m., I got woken up by my dad grabbing me by one ankle. My bed's about this high. Rips me off the bed and goes, who the fuck do you think you are, James Bond? He's like, what were you after, the money? The gun? The drugs? I was like, what'd you say about drugs?
Starting point is 00:36:02 Boom, heel to the face. Thank you, guys. C.J. Kelly. Yeah? You guys, thoughts? Initial thoughts on C.J.? C.J., okay. Just throwing this out there.
Starting point is 00:36:19 It's fine. God bless. I'd work more on some punchlines. Thank you. But you are the king of the setup so far is what we learned here tonight. A lot of good setups. I think it's cute your dad kept his gun in a safe, not a sock like the rest of us. I just think that your heart's in the right place probably.
Starting point is 00:36:41 But, you know, they're hanging on your words, waiting for something to punch. So you want to, especially, you want to be efficient within a minute and maybe get to a single joke. In stand-up comedy, not to interrupt you, we actually go for, we call it the laugh.
Starting point is 00:37:00 Am I going in the right direction? Yeah, I mean, historically, and Maddie Hanson can Yeah, I mean, historically. Yes. And Maddie Hanson can attest to this. Historically, stand-up comedy is about the laugh. Thank you. CJ, has anyone ever told you before that you look like an old baby?
Starting point is 00:37:18 No. You look like an old baby. Thank you. Just thought of that right now, just for you. Special roast joke, you made it come out of me. Written just for you, CJ. Wow, written. Thank you. Just thought of that right now, just for you. Special roast joke. You made it come out of me. Written just for you, CJ. Wow, written. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:37:30 He was relaxed. I mean, he was very relaxed. I'm nervous as shit right now, guys. I had to have a couple of beers before I got here. Thank you. You look chill as fuck. Oh. How long have you been doing stand-up?
Starting point is 00:37:42 January 2014 is when I started. I'm happy for you. You let us do the math for you. I see what you did there. So you started here? No, I started in Boston, Massachusetts. Boston, Massachusetts. We had fun the other night. Yeah, was it good? How was it?
Starting point is 00:37:57 Yeah, I just said it. Said it was good. I said it was fun. The story sounded intense. It sounded like it was something definitely notable to speak about. I would just work on paring it down and getting to the crux of what exactly you want to say. Even though it's complicated, you should try to simplify exactly what happens and just get to the heart of it quicker. And also, if you're going to come out with a quick opener that you think is going to start the momentum for your set, I think you might
Starting point is 00:38:26 want to go a little bit more topical than Fred Durst and Kid Rock. Those references are literally like 20 years old. If I were you, I'd come out and I'd go, hello, I look like an old baby. Then I'd get that
Starting point is 00:38:41 big fucking laugh. Look at that applause break. See what that looks like, CJ? I want you to look. Look out there, CJ. Look out there. Look at what it looks like. Isn't it powerful? Then you get that, and then you just fucking keep tagging it.
Starting point is 00:38:56 Oh, shit. This is not a good thing that's happening at all. Thank you, band, for always pushing the levels of creativity during a live show that gets heard by hundreds of thousands of people. There's a ball flying around the room. Like the tape, like the whole tape thing on the lock, that's very geeky and very, like, cool that you know that. But is that necessary for the joke at all? Well, the punchline is, who do you think you are, James Bond?
Starting point is 00:39:22 Because that actually, you know, that happened to me. CJ, what do you do for are, James Bond? Because that actually happened to me. CJ, what do you do for a living? I work at restaurants. What restaurant? Last time I was on the show, I said that, and I got fired. Is that true? No, I quit.
Starting point is 00:39:39 I was going to get fired anyway, but I knew it was coming. You see, that's funny. What restaurant was it? Lucille's Barbecue in West Covina. I see, that's funny. You know? What restaurant was it? Lucille's Barbecue in West Covina. I lived there all last year. Yeah. I knew I had to. Yeah, I had to. You preemptively.
Starting point is 00:39:51 Well, I called out a lot, you know, because like stand up. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. I don't know. Work lunch shifts. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's hard because it's like, you know, there's politics at barbecue restaurants. Really?
Starting point is 00:40:02 What kind of politics? See, this is very funny. There are not. Maybe there are. I want to hear about them. Barbecue places and their politics. You got right wing, left wing, chicken wing, breast. Now, you see something.
Starting point is 00:40:17 Come on. Can you guys give it up for that, please? That is so good. That is so good. These are just spoiled babies out here. They just take it for granted. I listen every week. I don't need to laugh.
Starting point is 00:40:29 Fucking bitches. That's like a comedy ninja right there. That was very, very good. Thank you. That's one of my favorite things right there. Thank you. CJ Kelly, so tell us something interesting about you. Like what's something, you know?
Starting point is 00:40:39 Ooh, all right. Special skills, hobbies, talents, anything? There's a lot of interesting stories Tony I love it when the comedians I'm holding my tongue I see why you're trying comedy I think everyone tells you you're hysterical When you're just yourself
Starting point is 00:40:56 You're just going to learn how to harness that Into a fucking joke Shit Anything that you're into Anything that you like joke. Shit. Anything. Anything that you're into? Anything that you like? One time I faked... Hey, back room over there.
Starting point is 00:41:13 Congrats, you're at the level to where you're getting heckled by the rest of the people. He did heroin before. Oh, we know him. He's a piece of shit. CJ, answer the question that I asked you two minutes ago. One time I faked an asthma attack in Boston. One time I faked an asthma attack in Boston. I say anything interesting,
Starting point is 00:41:30 anything you like, any hobbies, anything about you, and you say that one time you faked an asthma attack in Boston? Can I finish? Yeah, we don't want deleted scenes from the Sandlot. So I was... Or it.
Starting point is 00:41:45 I faked an asthma attack at a 7-Eleven because it was very cold outside. It was February in Boston. And I was on the North Shore, and I needed to ride back to the city. Me and this one gentleman, we were staying in an abandoned house together. Get to the point.
Starting point is 00:41:59 Man. There you go, Lord. This asthma story is breathtaking. Did you fake the asthma attack to get a ride in an ambulance? I did, yeah. You have to get to that right away. That's very funny. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:13 Just say, just say, one time I faked an asthma attack to hitch a ride on an ambulance. Yeah. And then go from there. The worst part, too, was the paramedics, as soon as I got in the ambulance, they're like, so, Charles, what's going on? Because you're not having an asthma attack. And I had the bright idea to tell them that I smoke crack. And that's why I was panicking.
Starting point is 00:42:35 You know you have to pay $800 any time you take an ambulance ride. I don't really believe this story at all. I did that once. I did that. I used to fake passing out. And then I would just lay there. And, like, I got carried fake passing out, and then I would just lay there, and I got carried into the ambulance, and then I got an IV put in me, and I had to continue to pretend to be passed out.
Starting point is 00:42:53 One time I was in Bonnaroo right after high school. It was the one time I went to Bonnaroo in Tennessee. Me and my buddies, I didn't have much money or anything, and we pitched a tent. We put all of our sleeping bags and pillows down. We went, and it was the first time I ate mushrooms. And we tripped our balls off Dave Matthews and fucking Steve Winwood and the Grateful Dead. And it started pouring down rain during this show.
Starting point is 00:43:21 And we go back to our tent. Everything's flooded. So I faked an overdose to stay in the medical tent. Yeah. That's a true story. Sometimes I eat breakfast. Sometimes I'll have like a full breakfast
Starting point is 00:43:39 and other times I'll just have like juice and maybe a muffin or something. A lot of times, you know times do you like that cinnamon bread anyway I get to the point I live in a house four stories it's connected
Starting point is 00:43:55 I jerked off on my uncle one time I like the kugel with the white raisins anyway C.J. Kelly ladies and gentlemen I like the kugel with the white raisins. Anyway. C.J. Kelly, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes.
Starting point is 00:44:12 He's on Instagram at TheRealCSKelly. Matty's not on social media. Joe Welke's at Joe Welke. All right. Okay, okay. There's a part where... All right. We're going to really have to tap in and trust our comedic instinct with how much people are going to want to hear that every fucking time.
Starting point is 00:44:38 Sometimes you've got to hail Marriott. How can the comedy store make any money with all these decorations? It's crazy. That's Ichabod's bucket of destiny. Oh, really? Yes. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and it looks the last name is a little bit bad handwriting. I'm going to try my best on this.
Starting point is 00:44:57 Paulina. If your name's Paulina, just come to the stage. Paulina Combow? Paulina Gumbow? You're going to be shy like you don't have bad handwriting, Paulina? I had a feeling. With handwriting that bad, they must be
Starting point is 00:45:14 sitting in the back of another room waiting for their name to get called. Was it Paulina? Was it Pallavi? No. No, it's Paulina GC. Anybody? Nope. Good. Okay, I actually am very excited about this. I tend to have a pretty good instinct on when a new good name has been pulled.
Starting point is 00:45:33 I bet you I'm right on this. This is definitely a new name. Put your hands together for Jer D. J-E-R-D. What's going on, guys? So I moved here from Montana about, oh, probably close to six months ago. A lot of my friends up in Montana think I moved down here to pursue my stand-up comedy dreams. Not the case. Not the case. Montana's got a three-strike rule.
Starting point is 00:46:11 I voted for Obama twice, and I didn't vote for Trump. They were like, get the fuck out of here. My daughter, she just had career day at her school, and she didn't tell me anything about career day. I didn't find out about it until after it happened. When I found out about career day, I was like, well, why didn't you tell me about career day? She's like, well, Dad, I don't even really know what you do.
Starting point is 00:46:34 I told you, I'm a stand-up comic. I get up on stage, tell people jokes, make them laugh. She just kind of looked up at me and goes, wouldn't it just be easier to say you're unemployed? My daughter, a few days before Christmas, last Christmas, she asked for an electric guitar. It was like three or four days before Christmas. I had already done all my shopping, so I couldn't deliver.
Starting point is 00:46:56 But she just had a birthday, so I got her the electric guitar. There's a few reasons why, too. First reason is musical talent runs very deeply in our family. It does. Good night. Jer D. All right. Okay. Jer D. Hello. Jer.
Starting point is 00:47:16 Jer? Jer. Jer D. Jer D. All right. Step up to the microphone, Jer. How long have you been doing stand-up? Coming up on seven years now Seven years, all of it in Montana? No, I've toured around the Midwest There, up there
Starting point is 00:47:32 Okay But you started in Montana Yes Do you live here now or you just visit? No, I live here now How long have you lived here? About six months Six months, what do you do for a living?
Starting point is 00:47:44 My rich girlfriend You have a rich girlfriend? months. What do you do for a living? My rich girlfriend. You have a rich girlfriend? Yes. That's what you do for a living? Tony, look at the guy. You can see he's taken care of. Yeah. I was going to say, you look like you have a sugar mama and a sugar daddy.
Starting point is 00:48:01 And a sugar tooth. I had that sweater in college. Oh, did you? I've been thinking it the whole time. It was very distracting. Yeah, he did too. So, Jer, what does your rich girlfriend do for a living? She's a...
Starting point is 00:48:18 That's also a ninja right there. She's an environmental engineer. Ooh. So like an assistant coach? Yeah, basically. Man, does she ever tell you what type of stuff she's working on? That's a pretty smart job. She does.
Starting point is 00:48:37 I don't understand a fucking word of it, but you know. What are you into, Jared? Does she speak a different language? You seem like a real manly man, sort of. You seem like you'll cut down half a tree and then play a video game or something like that. You're not far off. We just chop down trees in the video game.
Starting point is 00:48:54 Let's be honest. He gets Vice City just to go in the forest. No, I... That was about that funny I agree Sal It's so funny You just rob someone And you just fucking go straight to the forest
Starting point is 00:49:16 That's funny It is I like to hunt And fish Basically everything is Republican Without the conservatism, you know? Yeah, that's interesting. What do you like to hunt? Cheese.
Starting point is 00:49:35 Oh, Joel Berg's out, it seems. Yeah, it's a green. Zorg's out, it seems. Yeah, it's a green... No, I mostly predator hunt, like, bears, bobcats, stuff like that. Wow. Wow. A liberal hunter. That's amazing.
Starting point is 00:49:53 That's actually what you should focus on, because you clearly, like, you come across as, if I had to take just a blind guess, a conservative, but you're a liberal. No, no, I get it. That's very interesting. Like, I am definitely the face of America that voted for Trump. I get it, you know? That's interesting. No, no, I wouldn't say your face.
Starting point is 00:50:08 I'd say your body. No, that too. Yeah, your belly leans to the alt-right. Ah, Joel Berg. There he is. Somebody woke the little hunchback in Notre Dame back there, huh? We need to build a wall. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:50:29 So, Jer, you've lived here for six months. What do you like about L.A.? Different than Montana. What stands out to you? You know, there's always something to do. You know, if I wanted, I could have drugs delivered right to my door. I find that amazing. I find that amazing.
Starting point is 00:50:44 Shout out to Speedweed. And when you say drugs, you're talking about dominoes. Yeah. Let the dopamine flow, my friend. So, that's interesting, Jer. So you like having stuff delivered to your
Starting point is 00:51:02 house. You have a rich girlfriend. How long have you been with the girlfriend? About four months. Four months. You met her out here. Yeah. How'd you meet her? Bumble.
Starting point is 00:51:12 Bumble. Wow. I wish it was more complicated than that, but it's not. Do you think it's going to go all the way? Why do you wish it was more complicated than that? Why do you wish it was more complicated than that? It's a great thing that it's not that complicated.
Starting point is 00:51:27 You wish it was harder for you to find a rich girl? No. No. I just wish... Soon enough you guys will laugh at that. I just wish it was a more interesting story. We met paintballing or some shit like that.
Starting point is 00:51:43 Not that I do it. You don't want to meet a girl paintballing. You're a closet conservative, dude. I met my dream girl paintballing or some shit like that. Paintballing? What the fuck? You don't want to meet a girl paintballing. You're a closet conservative, dude. I met my dream girl paintballing, Dave. Come over here, baby. Are you sure you didn't match with her on the dating app called Fumble? Oh, Jeremiah flexing up. Love it.
Starting point is 00:52:01 I will say, if I'm just trying to be constructive with you, I'm really honestly listening to you. Well, just first and foremost, you seem to, obviously, this is difficult. Everybody's looking at you. You have one minute. But you seem to relax a little more, hold the mic up to your mouth more, just to command people's presence a little more. Also, I think everybody, myself included, respond.
Starting point is 00:52:20 I respond to honesty on stage. And if it's not funny and it's honest I still find that funny And I feel like that was just a joke That your daughter didn't actually say Might as well say unemployed dad She did that's terrific But I didn't believe that she said that It felt like just a joke that you wrote
Starting point is 00:52:36 And that's why I think it gets a lukewarm Instead of like a guttural kind of thing Because I didn't believe that she said that How old is your daughter? She just turned 12. Is that your only child? Does the environmental scientist know about this?
Starting point is 00:52:54 Did you eat the afterbirth? Good question. Pat Rake. No. I'm serious, dude. I know people do that, but I'm not one of them people, all right? What is the weirdest thing you've ever eaten? The weirdest thing I've ever eaten?
Starting point is 00:53:11 You know what it was. Come on. Oh, I actually, like I enjoy them. They're called Rocky Mountain Oysters. You heard of them? Rocky Mountain Oysters. Remind me of what that is. They're fried bull testicles, man.
Starting point is 00:53:27 Wow. A little brown gravy. Are you a liberal? Yeah. Oh, there you go. That's the sound of a bull. No testicles. Everybody knows if you take away the bull's testicles.
Starting point is 00:53:41 All right. Okay. I prefer pig skin JW Look out I think Joel Berg's got the whole team fired up Yeah, couldn't be more fired up, Tony There we go
Starting point is 00:53:58 You got a shoe untied there It happens, man I'm just trying to help any way I can with this one I'll deal with it out there Jer D alright well this was fun to meet you man you too there he goes Jer D everybody
Starting point is 00:54:13 he's on twitter at Jer D comedy J E R D comedy all one word you guys having fun out there huh the number one live podcast in the world. Oh. Man, you guys had the execution of a musical band there on that.
Starting point is 00:54:36 It's one, two, three, break. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Max Hoover. You don't know me. Still the same OG. But I've been low key. Is he coming? Max Hoover? Is that... Is that Max?
Starting point is 00:54:56 What? You know Max? Is that Punky? Hey, Punky. Punky's the only woman that knows what guys are in the men's restroom. The perks of being one of the only ladies at the Comedy Store to peace standing up. One of the newest paid regulars, Punky Johnson. Here's Max Hoover, everybody.
Starting point is 00:55:21 Hi, guys. Sorry. Hey. I read this week that whales tend to stay five fathoms under the ocean. I read that and I was like, well that's neat. But then I looked up how deep a fathom is. Six fucking feet.
Starting point is 00:55:58 A fathom is six feet. Guys, that word's packing more of a punch than two yards. I don't look like I'm a fathom tall. That's what we're doing up here, guys. Breaking new ground. Losing respect for units of measurement. Okay, thank you so much. Max Hoover.
Starting point is 00:56:29 Very good minute. Most solid minute of the night so far. We met you for the first time a few weeks ago, Max Hoover. And during that interview, I asked you if there's anything interesting about you or anything like that. You didn't give too much of an answer. And then I put together that you are Max Hoover of the Hoover vacuum family fame. Yes. He did.
Starting point is 00:56:53 He is of that Hoover family. Yeah. If you guys like generational vacuum wealth. That's hard to believe because that did not suck. Fuck yeah yeah Thank you So Max, how's life going? Pretty good, no complaints
Starting point is 00:57:12 Tony, how are you? I'm good, thank you for asking me You're welcome So you've lived here for how long, Max? A little over a year Yeah, I moved here in August of last year Man And a lot of your jokes like does it go
Starting point is 00:57:27 along sort of like uh simple slow cool like that like you sort of keep that same pace throughout everything or do you find yourself using that more divisively when you only have a minute no i i tend to lean towards that the majority of the time. It's more I lean on the writing more than the performance. I'm not a good performer by any means. You were performing, actually. Well, technically speaking, yeah. No, but it was a double dose of both. Your delivery, at least to me, came across as deliberate and intentional,
Starting point is 00:57:58 and I think it added to the whole entire thing. It was a lesson for everyone tonight about being completely efficient with your words in under one minute because you didn't do anything that was crazy that we found out about you, but you chose one absurd thing and drilled down on it and we were all completely hooked on that. Do I take this podcast too serious?
Starting point is 00:58:17 I don't know. I'm just trying to... No, I liked it. I'm trying to be constructive. I really do try to be both. No, thank you. I appreciate that. I want to take credit. Max is a friend of mine. I told him to do the Fathom do try to be both. No, thank you. I appreciate that. I want to take credit.
Starting point is 00:58:26 Max is a friend of mine. I told him to do the Fathom bit, and he did it, and it worked. Is that true? No, we can toss that one up to Joel right there. You're friends with Joel Burke? Yeah, we do mics a lot. Wow. Look at Joel trying to get his family a new vacuum cleaner.
Starting point is 00:58:39 Huh? Fuck yeah. Shh. You're right. Max, I know this is probably annoying to you Because you didn't bring it up last time I busted you on it But I want to talk a little bit more about this Hoover thing
Starting point is 00:58:54 I remember having a Hoover growing up I'm from Youngstown, Ohio If you drive through Akron and you see the big Hoover company It's a big thing So your dad is also a Hoover Obviously And what part of the company is he? He's not involved What does he do? company. It's a big thing. So your dad is also a Hoover, obviously. What part of the company is he? He's not involved. What does he do?
Starting point is 00:59:10 He's a stockbroker. We don't stock in Hoover. Yeah. If you establish it being the apartment wolf then it wouldn't really make sense if it appeared Wolf of Wall Street. Oh boy.
Starting point is 00:59:25 That's a reach. then it wouldn't really make sense if it appeared... It's the Wolf of Wall Street. Oh, boy. Wow. That's a reach. It sounds a lot like the apartment wolf. All right. So who in your family is in the vacuum business? Honestly, no one. We sold it... Wait, hold on.
Starting point is 00:59:40 Let me say one more thing. If your Hoover father left the Hoover Vacuum Company to do something else, one could say that Papa's got a brand new bag? That's a fucking vacuum joke right there, guys. That is a clean vacuum joke.
Starting point is 00:59:56 Tony, they could also say his dad doesn't give a Hoover damn. Wow. They could say that. They could say that if they got hit in the? Alright. They could say that if they got hit in the head with a baseball bat and started asking random questions. Or they could suck it up and laugh. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:00:13 Sometimes for breakfast I'll have like just lunch meat. So Max, is your grandpa alive? Is he in the business? Gramps is alive. Actually, this is a fun fact about my grandfather. You all know that Rick Ross song that came out a few years ago where it's like,
Starting point is 01:00:34 I think I'm Big Meech, Larry Hoover. Yeah, Larry Hoover. My grandfather's name is Larry Hoover. Wow. We started quoting that song to him, and he didn't get it. Larry Hoover is a reference to some drug dealer back in the early times. Yes. I wouldn't call it the early times.
Starting point is 01:00:52 Earlier than my time. Yeah, a couple decades ago. Yeah, it's relative. But no, that's Gramps' name, and so he doesn't get that. But no, he's not involved either. We sold it probably back when he was a teenager or something. We haven't had anything to do with it uh hands-on for a few years we're still involved in some of the boring
Starting point is 01:01:11 charity foundation side of things but that's not the company where i regret going into that part i should have just said we don't have any involvement in it right you guys do a lot of charity work though i don I don't, personally. But my grandfather does. So what's your life like, Max? What's a typical day for Max Hoover? You wake up. I wake up.
Starting point is 01:01:36 I go to work. I work for a landscape architect. So we, like, build pools and shit for people. Wow. You ever hit a woman in an elevator? I haven't, no. See, when I wake up, I have to have something to eat. I mean, it has to be something.
Starting point is 01:02:00 Do you eat breakfast? I do, sometimes, yeah. What do you like to eat for breakfast? What's your go-to? Cookie crisp? No I'm a fan of like the breakfast bars Like a granola bar A kind bar, a cliff bar I said that earlier
Starting point is 01:02:12 Nutri-grain sometimes How do you like your eggs? Scrambled if my mom makes them Shaved Scrambled Say that again I said scrambled if my mom makes them But I like her scrambled eggs more than I like most people's
Starting point is 01:02:30 Her eggs are scrambled We don't want to get into your love life Thank you Max what do you normally do to end the night Um I usually end my nights with either a open mic or a nice basketball game.
Starting point is 01:02:50 Watching. A nice basketball game. Watching. Watching. I didn't want to make it seem like I play under the lights to end my evenings. Also known as homoing.
Starting point is 01:03:01 Yeah. Watching basketball. Max, what's the weirdest thing that you've ever masturbated to? The weirdest thing I've ever masturbated to? Yeah. Remember the Titans? I don't know. Probably like a friend's mom directly.
Starting point is 01:03:26 But like a memory of her. You know what I'm saying? Where it's like probably it wouldn't be porn. Yeah, her name's Vicky Reagan. We get it. I don't get the reference. I was outside on the porch. Max, did you jack off to my mom?
Starting point is 01:03:38 Max Hooper, look at me in my cold, dead eyes. Did you jack off to my mom? Max Hooper, I'll ask the questions. Did you jack off to my mom? Max Hooper, I'll ask the questions. Did you jack off to my mom? Look at me in my cold, dead eyes when I spanketh unto your face. No. Are you guys friends?
Starting point is 01:03:55 What? My cold, dead eyes sell volcano. I want to know, are you courageous enough to name a friend's mom? I didn't name it. He said it. No, Jeremiah said it. Vicky Reagan.
Starting point is 01:04:08 Oh, that was the real mom. I didn't know that. You named the real mom? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was my real mother. You said it wasn't him, though. The mother of dragons, we used to call her back in the beach. Welcome to the halftime show, everybody.
Starting point is 01:04:23 Yeah, something. Something just happened. So, Max motherfucking Hoover. Did you have fun here tonight? I did. Thank you so much. I had a blast. You're welcome, Max Hoover.
Starting point is 01:04:34 There he goes, Max Hoover. He's on Twitter and not Max Hoover. That's Max Hoover's time. Ooh, look at that. Look what you got locked and loaded. That crazy fucking shit. How do people listen to this every week? Ha ha!
Starting point is 01:04:54 I like that you say that right after you just plunged a minute of dead air right into everything, Pat. Really, really good timing. Yeah, dude. I'm tortured under lights like a lab rat in a school. You're like a teacher and just like, I don't know, man. You're such an outside of the box artist that living in such foundations must be so hard
Starting point is 01:05:14 for you with all of your extreme creativity. I just like doing my shit more. I know, yeah. We all do. We all do different shit. And every Monday we do this, Pat. Congratulations. Yep. I'm one of the top young rising comedians in the world you have a new show called Void on Snapchat so let's just keep plowing through it
Starting point is 01:05:31 and staying positive fucko I pulled another name out of the bucket put your hands together for Steve Heiss everyone Steve Heiss on this very real episode of Kill Tony. It's a very live episode, isn't it? No Steve Heiss? All right.
Starting point is 01:05:54 Let's keep plowing through it. Steve Rice? Also known as Homewarring through it. How do people listen to this every week? His last name was Rice? Put your hands together for Clint Watson, everyone. Clint Watson. How do people listen to this every week? His last name was Rice? Put your hands together for Clint Watson, everyone. Clint Watson.
Starting point is 01:06:17 You know what? We'll go back to the bucket in just a moment. Let's do something special. It's been a couple weeks. She's been in New York City. She's back. The Frankenstein of Kill Tony. The great, the powerful, the one, the only, Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen, with a brand new minute. She's back. I've been on for four times. Four times.
Starting point is 01:06:43 Hi, I'm happy to be back from New York. I love going to New York. I think the reason I love New York so much is because I grew up watching Law & Order SVU. So as soon as I got off the plane, I was so starstruck. I was walking around the city and I was like, someone was raped here! Season 3, episode 15. Also every other episode. It's a weird pattern. When I was little, I thought that special victims unit was like, we're victims, but we're special. Turns out not so special. My mom used to call me special growing up, and I was like, use a different word.
Starting point is 01:07:29 My new say for it is, in a criminal justice system. Like, like, Oh, these acts are especially heinous. Okie dokie. Exactly a minute. Ellie Makowski is back. The one and only regular. Writes and performs a brand new minute every single week.
Starting point is 01:07:54 You've had a couple weeks off. You were in New York City. How was that? It was great. They love the Law & Order material out there. They do? I think it was like a close to home thing maybe. Oh. Oh.
Starting point is 01:08:06 Whatever. Alright. Did you get any Dick Wolf while you were out there? Oh baby. Where's that wolf? Any Law and Order STD? Is that a joke? Is that a joke?
Starting point is 01:08:20 No STD. I actually just got tested and mom is clean as a damn whistle. Really? Damn, whose whistle are we talking about here? It's the rape whistle. That's funny. Thank you. I do comedy. Very good.
Starting point is 01:08:38 So what else happened in New York? Anything else interesting? Nothing too interesting. I mean, no, I was really hoping someone would kill themselves on the train, but... Allie, did anyone touch your lower east side? No.
Starting point is 01:08:58 No. You had fun, though? Did spots fall in love or anything like that? I might have fallen in love, but I fall in love everywhere I look, you know? I mean, yeah, I did a lot of spots. That was great performing. And, yeah, it was a good time.
Starting point is 01:09:16 Did you notice a difference between, like, the comics on the East Coast compared to the West Coast? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, what was the main differences? on the East Coast compared to the West Coast? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, what was the main differences? I would say that New York comics take comedy seriously
Starting point is 01:09:31 and not themselves, and L.A. comics take themselves seriously and not the comedy. Wow, that's really interesting. That's about right. Hey, could you also tell us the difference between white people and black people? Yeah, yeah, so black people be like... Sal, I'm interested to hear what you think about our analysis us the difference between white people and black people? Yeah, yeah. So black people be like... Sal, I'm interested to hear what you think about our analysis of the difference.
Starting point is 01:09:49 I want to know, did you phrase that yourself? I did. No, it came to me. And I keep telling everyone because I think I'm really smart now. I mean, I wouldn't necessarily make a blanket generalization. Yeah, it's very general. But it is an astute observation, which I was... Just your perception, whether it's true or not,
Starting point is 01:10:09 I enjoyed you paring it down to that. Yeah, I mean, I was just... People, you know, whenever I go there, people ask, like... I mean, it's just one of those questions, like, what's the weather like in L.A.? What's the L.A. comedy like? And that was just the one thing that I kind of took away from it. At least in my experience like
Starting point is 01:10:25 in my circle of friends. Tony we were just talking about this the other day when we went and did Kill Tony there how the quality of comedian out there is just top top shelf. I mean we didn't even it was hard to even say anything to them except move the fuck out of New York because that's how good they were.
Starting point is 01:10:41 But the really good ones work both places so there's really no differentiation. You know it's like they come out here for TV good they were out there. But the really good ones work both places, so there's really no differentiation. You know, it's like, they come out here for TV, but they go back there to practice stand-up, because the competition is so good. Yeah. Did you ever have a... Add McDonald's for breakfast.
Starting point is 01:11:00 Allie Makovsky is back on Kill Tony. We'll see you next week with another brand-new minute. There she goes, Allie Makovsky is back on Kill Tony we'll see you next week with another brand new minute there she goes, Allie Makovsky alright back to the bucket we go, shall we? let's get a fucking stranger up here let's get a stranger, maybe someone cool the legendary Aphrodite
Starting point is 01:11:20 is in the house, ladies and gentlemen sitting right here Kill Tony, superwoman alright, sitting right here. Kill Tony. Superwoman. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Tema Louise Saul. Hi, guys. Oh, shoot.
Starting point is 01:11:50 Hi, my name's Tema. It's a ukulele. Her name's Yukiono, okay? I'm black from the waist down, Jewish from the nose up. I just want to throw that out there. Okay, this is a little song about getting back into the dating game. It's called Get to Know My Brain. I know you can't help yourself from looking down.
Starting point is 01:12:10 I'm not beautiful, but it's so bodacious and round. But I've seen you looking left and right because I've seen your face on Tinder, Bumble, and J-Swipe. What I proposed to you before we jump right into the sack is that you take me out for coffee and maybe a snack. Oh, I'm not on Tinder just to score some D because I want more out of life than an STD. Get to know my brain and baby you will see
Starting point is 01:12:41 that I'm a nice Jewish girl native to Southern Cali. I'm well educated, foodie and funny. And I promise. Oh, and I promise. Nope. And I promise to get better at the ukulele. Thank you, guys. Tema Louise Saul.
Starting point is 01:13:03 Be spotty. Ha ha. I get it. I get it. I get it. She's like... I'm ready. She's what I like to call a fullback. I was going to say a tight end, but... That's the name of my fantasy football team. That's a four bedroom.
Starting point is 01:13:22 Yeah. A lot of square footage happening over here. I know. Definitely. Thank you. Is that all natural? How does that happen? 100% kosher.
Starting point is 01:13:31 What do you think that came from? Genetics. Genetics? Your mom has that? I got it from my mama. I'm sorry. Gianetics? So your mom has a big butt too?
Starting point is 01:13:44 She does. And a big personality. What's she doing tonight? Wouldn't you like to know? Tema, how long have you been doing stand-up? I started March 2009. I probably
Starting point is 01:14:01 been working about four of the years out of those eight years. What do you mean working? Like really working hard for it. Oh, right. So you got the ukulele four years ago. A year ago. She got the package.
Starting point is 01:14:15 She was like, is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my game down, flip it, and reverse it. How long have you been with the ukulele? I bought it a year ago. A year ago. Yeah, and I just decided to start writing music. It just all kind of came naturally.
Starting point is 01:14:33 It did? It did. Just like this. So your whole act is not with the uke, or your whole act right now is with the uke? Right now, it goes back and forth. I do stand-up, and i do ukulele so i like to do both have you ever been to the playoffs i have i have yeah fantasy football or
Starting point is 01:14:53 or yeah yes i have tema uh what do you do for a living i'm a stand-in a stand-in? Yes. It's called stand-up. Right, right, right. No, I should clarify. Dom, why did you laugh so hard when she said stand-in? Oh, it's just, you know, it's kind of sad, but... No, I mean, like, you're not the real person. You're, like, standing there until the real person... I'm second team versus first team. Second team, my ass.
Starting point is 01:15:20 You're not the real person. Yeah. No, but I mean... Working my way towards first team I don't understand Four years ago you were sitting there thinking I gotta write more jokes or get a ukulele I can't make up my mind
Starting point is 01:15:34 Should I get a mandolin? Nah A bass fiddle? Fuck it that's not funny Ukulele that's funny And then you just ran with it I did I've always been a big fan by the way I love your stuff funny. And then you just ran with it. I did, yeah.
Starting point is 01:15:47 I had a lot of nights of just... I've always been a big fan, by the way. I love your stuff. Thank you. You fucking believe me? I hate making a joke there. I am very gullible, so I did. I'm sorry. You did great. Flag on the field.
Starting point is 01:16:02 Flag on the field. You have an endearing quality to you immediately. Thank you. Immediately like you. You're warm. You're smiling. I think you immediately draw people in. So I think that that is a strong quality of what you have.
Starting point is 01:16:14 Thank you. You're right. He's right. I don't know. When you started off with like a cat skills type of joke, though, you're like, I'm black from the way he's down and Jewish from the nose up. It's kind of hacky. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:16:29 I mean, you could say more about that distinguishment in a better way than to come out and just do this old school type of like... Right, if you're going to be hacky from the beginning, then you might as well just start playing that ukulele the second you get the fuck out there. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:16:47 If you could be self-aware of your hack, that might be something where you're like winking to the audience. But, you know, you want to try and stay away from full hack. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Get out of the 80s. Baby got hack. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:17:03 Every time you play the... Oh, you almost got her today. Brian, you're triggering me. You're starting power. Wow. Wow. Back that... Wow. Wow. Back that. Wow.
Starting point is 01:17:28 Hey, Tony. Tony, it's true what they say. Yeah? Once you go hack, you never go back. Back that hack up. Yeah, she really brought her butt very close to the sword. Yeah, I got a whiff of it. I can't afford it, but I want to buy your ass a boat.
Starting point is 01:17:55 Let me ask you a question about your butt. Can it, too, play the ukulele? I can train it. It's possible. I think anything's possible. Have you noticed that a lot of people from a specific race tend to hit on you? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:18:10 In what race would that be, Tama Louise Saul? You mean the nun? She said it, not me. The kind that wears their socks when they fuck? There he is. Number 76. Jews? Lepers?
Starting point is 01:18:33 All right. I'm trying to focus. Do you feel that the ukulele has helped you bring out something inside that's more innate comedically to you or are you using it as a crutchically to you or using it as a crutch because if you're using it as a crutch
Starting point is 01:18:47 then I would say to abandon it and just don't be afraid of doing straight comedy I feel that and thank you I think it's an extra skill that I have that I found and I love it because I feel it's unique and it's different
Starting point is 01:19:04 but I also enjoy being able to just do stand up as well like it's hard I have a love for I'm so attracted to you yeah look at that looks like we found a new band member huh
Starting point is 01:19:18 Emma Louise on the ukulele that's my team player Patty Reagan right there Yoko Ono Yuki Ono How fast does your butt run a 40? Tema, what do you think about Pat telling you that he's attracted to you? Are you single right now?
Starting point is 01:19:42 I am I am What kind. I am. What kind of guys are you into? Funny, smart. Hawaiian. Pat, what would you do to her? Good family, good background. What would you do to her if you had a little chance?
Starting point is 01:19:58 Well, I think, I don't know. This is like a public forum. We're in front. I don't feel really comfortable. I'll tear that shit up. Dumb motherfucker. He usually has a muffin for breakfast. All right.
Starting point is 01:20:26 Tama Louise Saul, there she goes. That's an email you put on your Twitter handle there. All right. Go to the bucket one more time. What do you guys say? Huh? You guys still have energy out there? Oh, this is interesting.
Starting point is 01:20:49 Just one word and it says first time next to the name. Perhaps this could be one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It says first time and one other word. And that word is Raphael. Raphael. Whoa. And if that's him, start walking faster, Raphael. Whoa.
Starting point is 01:21:05 And if that's him, start walking faster, Raphael. Raphael, making an entrance like the Undertaker. Obi just left. All right. I guess Raphael's gone. Wow. I've never seen a human walk exactly like Michael Myers before. That was fucked up.
Starting point is 01:21:22 That was creepy. All right. I was fucked up. That was creepy. Alright. I pulled another name. This is Arthur Hamilton. I don't understand how people sign up and then leave. I never really understood that.
Starting point is 01:21:45 Do people write their names and then just run away? I think sometimes they get scared or they get shy or they think it's not a good spot for them or something like that. I don't know. Justin Glockler. Woo! I was fucking a fat bitch in the back. My bad, y'all. My bad. Team Thick over here, right? Team Thick. Anybody Team Thick in here? Don't be afraid.
Starting point is 01:22:22 Wait a second, Justin. Oh, here we go. One second. Okay. Anyway. Are you Arthur. Oh, here we go. Anyway. Are you Arthur? Yeah, I am. Okay.
Starting point is 01:22:30 Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Arthur Hamilton, everybody. All right, let's do this again. Sorry about that. Black people are always late and shit, right? That's the shit we do. Y'all would have think with a name like Arthur Hamilton, I'd be on time and shit, right? Yeah, I guess so. I got a white ass name.
Starting point is 01:22:50 My friend said I sound like a slave owner and shit. That's a black dude laughing hard to that shit too. I would have been good to my slaves though, man. I would have rolled blunts with them and shit, you know what I'm saying? If I had sex with they women, I would've let them hit too, you know what I mean? Your turn, dog. Go ahead. Bow.
Starting point is 01:23:11 Right ahead, fam. Right the fucking head. Highest shit, y'all. Got my weed card, though. Yeah, yeah. I got my shit for a valid reason, y'all. Neck pain, okay? Because I used to always roll the weed like this and shit. So over time, my nigga neck start hurtingck pain, okay? Because I used to always roll the weed like this and shit. So over time, my nigga neck started
Starting point is 01:23:27 hurting and shit, you know what I mean? It was valid, though, you know what I'm saying? I almost stopped smoking weed the other day because I took a dab, y'all. I was so high, I went to the bathroom. I had to sit down to pee, y'all. You can finish it if you want. Yeah, I was so high, man, I fucking sat down
Starting point is 01:23:44 to pee, y'all. I tucked my dick in, y'all, because you don't want your dick to touch the toilet and shit. You know what I mean? Tuck it in and hold it. I sat there for 15 minutes, y'all. I was so high, I thought I took a shit. I wiped my ass, and I was like, where the fuck is the doo-doo at?
Starting point is 01:24:00 Thanks, Tony. Okay. Yeah. Check check check Where the fuck is that Doodoo at Where is the doodoo fam Where dat doodoo be
Starting point is 01:24:11 How do you feel about ukulele Where the doodoo be How you doing Arthur Doing good man First time on the show No my second time Okay what did we learn About you last time
Starting point is 01:24:24 From Pacoima Brody Stevens knew my fucking high school mascot and shit. He knew all the mascots. Remember that? Had the red shoes on. That's a specialty. Yeah. So what do you do for work? I work at an RV dealership.
Starting point is 01:24:35 Okay. Now I remember. Yeah, you remember. Yeah. Not too many black dudes. What's in this pocket right here? Oh, my weed, y'all. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:24:42 You know what I'm saying? No sativa. No sativa. No sativa. My nigga Darren. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't staring straight into an erection. It's called... No, no, no, no, no. Definitely bigger than that, dog. I'm a stereotype, real shit.
Starting point is 01:24:56 Sativa or indica? Indica all day. The world's crazy, so you gotta calm down. You gotta be calm in this world. He doesn't need any more energy, right? No. Interesting. So how long have you been on stand-up, Arthur? Three years.
Starting point is 01:25:12 And you always this hyped up? No, man. I was upstairs at the other show. Helping run sound shit. Had to run down here. Somebody told you they pulled Arthur Hamilton. They did. I almost pushed an old white dude over. By the way, you did. You almost tackled Justin Glockler you they pulled Arthur Hamilton. They did. I almost pushed the old white dude over. By the way, you did. You almost tackled Justin Glockler who
Starting point is 01:25:27 got pulled after you. It's all good, man. You know what I'm saying? In the future, if we call somebody else, then you already lost your thing. I didn't hear him, dog, but I know the rules. Yeah, it's good. You ran past the other guy.
Starting point is 01:25:50 Hey, he didn't want it. He didn if he saw me coming he should have been like hell no let me get up here he just had the better route yeah man you know i'm saying real shit so arthur you've been selling rvs for how long now? You know what I'm saying? I don't sell them. I'm just a service rider and shit. So I'm like, I do the bullshit. Like what kind of bullshit? Hand jobs. Oh, that's serious? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:26:13 He sells RVs? Yeah. Oh, okay. I'm a service rider. So, you know, whatever the problem is, I ride it up. And you hope that the shit gets fixed because nobody gives a fucking RV in the street. Real shit. Really? If you own an RV or a trailer, you know that shit takes forever fixed because nobody gives a fucking RV in the street. Real shit. Really?
Starting point is 01:26:25 If you own an RV or a trailer, you know that shit takes forever to get parts and all that shit. They don't give a fuck about y'all. They don't? That's why black people don't really have them because they don't give a fuck about us in the first place. So if we buy an RV, they still ain't going to give a fuck about us. Man. Yeah. That's interesting.
Starting point is 01:26:44 I would have thought. Dude, how about Mexican people? A lot of Mexican people in the RV game? Yeah. I mean, yeah. They running drugs from here to Mexico and shit. We had a dude. He had like two Corvettes and shit.
Starting point is 01:26:55 We was like, yo, this nigga's running drugs. Yeah. Be nice to him. How do you know he had two Corvettes? He drove both of them to the RV dealership? He pulled up in them. He was like, yo, I need to get some shit out the RV. And we were like,
Starting point is 01:27:05 do whatever you gotta do. You don't fuck with them, though. Does RV stand for really vague? If you want it to. Arthur, what's your love life like right now? You know what I'm saying? It's lit right now.
Starting point is 01:27:23 It is? A lot of black girls? Black? You know what? Honestly, though. Sativa or Indica? I'm just naming black girls right now. Yo. Sativa.
Starting point is 01:27:34 Honestly. Which one's black girls, you said? Which one? I was just kidding. I feel like I get a lot of Sativa girls, man. Bitches be crazy, man. Like, I gotta, you know. Give us an example of a bitch that be crazy.
Starting point is 01:27:44 A bitch that be crazy? Okay, a bitch that be crazy man Give us an example of a bitch that be crazy A bitch that be crazy Okay a bitch that be crazy She suck my dick on Van Nuys and Ventura Van Nuys and Ventura He is crazy No no no right next to No man no kids What kind of elevator is there
Starting point is 01:27:58 This is grown man fuck it shit Okay Grown man fuck it shit You just get... Is this another homoing? You just get... No, no, no, no. Van Nuys and Ventura?
Starting point is 01:28:10 Like Van Nuys and Ventura Boulevard? Yeah, like on a public street, man. I told her people was walking by. She didn't care. She just went... What time of the day? She went harder. It was like 12 o'clock, man.
Starting point is 01:28:18 The freaks come out at night. In the afternoon? No, at night. Oh, okay. 12 o'clock. I couldn't get ahead in the daytime, man. Venturance above the bullshit. No, man, real shit.
Starting point is 01:28:33 Get the fuck out of here. No, man, I'm telling you, dog. I'm telling you. She just took the whole thing, man. So what are you even leaning? Were you leaning against something? I was in the car, man, chilling. Oh, you're in a car.
Starting point is 01:28:44 I was in the car. She was speaking into the mic. Yes. No, passenger seat. You're in the car, man, chilling. Oh, you're in a car. I was in the car. She was speaking into the mic. Yes. No, passenger seat. You're in the passenger seat. She drove. In the driver's seat. I couldn't drive after that, man.
Starting point is 01:28:52 You couldn't drive after what? The head was so good, I wasn't able to drive after that. I shouldn't have drove after that. Wow. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? So you were sitting shotgun, getting a blowjob. Yep. What kind of car is this?
Starting point is 01:29:04 It's like a Honda Civic. Like an 06. Goddamn. With a dent on the side. When you see a girl with a dent on the side, she got some good head. Really? Is that true? I'm not lying. By the way, Ventura and Van Nuys
Starting point is 01:29:19 is a pita kitchen. What's that restaurant on the corner? U.S. Bank Crave Cafe. Crave Cafe, yeah. We just left Crave Cafe. I had the barbecue chicken pizza.
Starting point is 01:29:32 Fire. You had the barbecue chicken pizza? Real shit. I don't believe it. Yeah, you do. You had the barbecue chicken pizza that night?
Starting point is 01:29:38 If you don't take my advice, you're dumb as fuck. Get the barbecue chicken pizza there. Was it really barbecue chicken pizza or did you just make it barbecue chicken pizza? You ordered wings. If I did make it barbecue chicken pizza. Was it really barbecue chicken pizza or did you just make it barbecue chicken pizza?
Starting point is 01:29:45 You ordered wings. If I did make it barbecue pizza, they would hire a nigga and shit. Okay? Because I don't fuck around with my barbecue, okay? So you're getting a blowjob in a Honda Civic. Baby got hatchback, if you will. And how long
Starting point is 01:30:01 of a blowjob, how long does that last? That seems uncomfortable for a girl to go over. No, she didn't care. Is she on her knees on the driver's seat? Or is she sort of like leaning over? No, she's like 6'2", so she wasn't on her knees. 6'2". She was driving.
Starting point is 01:30:14 She still has her seatbelt on. My homeboys would see me with it, yeah. I had me an Amazon bitch, real shit. Ooh, Amazon Prime? No, no, no. Amazon Hood, dog, okay? no. Amazon Hood, dog. Okay? Amazon Hood. I think the correct term is
Starting point is 01:30:29 transvestite. Getting some of that Eddie Murphy head. Hell no! Hell no! You ain't gonna do me like that. Allegedly. You ain't gonna do me like that. Allegedly. You have a very funny way about you.
Starting point is 01:30:45 Like, you know, you literally said bitches be crazy. They do. Which is like, I know. I know they do. But, like, that is a very, like, stereotypical, like, hack type of. But it doesn't matter because you have. It's still funny. You said bitches be crazy.
Starting point is 01:31:02 I'm like, I've heard that. Like, that's what I would do. If someone was like, make a stereotypical black silly hack joke, I'm like, bitches be crazy. And that would be hacked. But when you said it,
Starting point is 01:31:12 it was still funny. And that is actually really telling to me because that means that you could just, it doesn't matter, you're transcending that. You're just so funny
Starting point is 01:31:20 and you're just the way about you. So I think it's very, very funny. When you went on with the joke Ed to the meow though When you started talking about duty
Starting point is 01:31:26 It reminded me of like Remember the beginning of Raw When they showed Eddie Murphy as a kid And it was what's his name from Paul Mooney No no It was what's his name from From different strokes
Starting point is 01:31:39 Gary Coleman Yeah but his friend This is bad I'm going up Dudley Yeah Dudley Dudley is in the video Roy plays the Andy Murphy
Starting point is 01:31:48 And he's like Doing comedy for his family He's like And Doody got stuck And Doody Doody And then it took Like a turn for me Cause I thought
Starting point is 01:31:56 That you could be Funnier than that When you were like I was waiting for the Doody Or whatever Yeah I was waiting For the Doody Yeah it's okay man
Starting point is 01:32:02 It's okay But I appreciate it though man I usually say BBT BBT stands for bitches be tripping Did you make that up yourself? I did man Copyrighted dude What does BET stand for?
Starting point is 01:32:16 You know what BET stands for You need to fuck with a black chick man Have you ever had a black pussy? You see him by the hair scratch He's like oh never I've never had the brown sugar Shit Dom Oh, yeah. It's not. No, you have. You see by the hair scratch, he's like, oh, never. You mean for free? I've never had the brown sugar. Oh, shit, Dom.
Starting point is 01:32:32 I've been with a black woman before, right, Aphrodite? Dom's over back up. Don't lie. I seen her booty. Your dick ain't reaching that far, Dom. You ain't. No. You son of a bitch.
Starting point is 01:32:42 How dare you? This is what you need, Dom. Okay? Real shit. I'm going. This is what you need, dog. Okay? Real shit. I'm going to keep it real with you, Tony. You have a four-foot penis? Stop. You got to.
Starting point is 01:32:52 Truly outrageous. That is unfathomable. A four-foot penis. It's two feet away from being fathomable. I don't care tonight. That's a triple callback right there. Got it. Still got it.
Starting point is 01:33:13 Arthur Hamilton, you have the name of the whitest white guy I've ever heard in my entire life. How'd you get a name like Arthur Hamilton? Shit, I really don't fucking know, man. Sounds like you're named after a British TV show about a mouse or something like that. Another episode of Arthur Hamilton coming up next on... I'll take it, man. Fuck it. As long as you give me my check, dawg. something like that. Another episode of Arthur Hamilton coming up next on... I'll take it, man. Fuck it. As long as you give me my check, though. I'm cool with that. You have brothers and sisters?
Starting point is 01:33:32 I got nothing but sisters, man. Nothing but sisters. Hey, Tony. What do you mean, like family or just friends? Jeremiah Watkins. Doesn't it look like Arthur and I should switch names? Yeah, for sure I should be Jeremy
Starting point is 01:33:49 That is hilarious That was so funny You look like Jeremiah Watkins And he looks like Arthur Hamilton That is unbelievable Wow Hi guys Arthur Hamilton here unbelievable. Wow. Hi, guys.
Starting point is 01:34:09 Arthur Hamilton here. Great to be here. You ought to call me J-Dub. What's good? Yeah. Yeah. J-Dub's an old Arty Hamilton. Yeah. Old Arty Hamilton. Yeah, old Artie Hamilton.
Starting point is 01:34:28 Believe it or not, Jeremiah, the actual Jeremiah is part of the all-Negro wave. Did you know that on Roast Battle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do know that. I'm woke. Alright, Arthur. So like, you know, for example,
Starting point is 01:34:41 when you're selling RVs or, you know what, fuck the RVs RVs, fuck the RVs. Yeah, fuck them RVs. I hate my fucking job, y'all. Fuck that. What's your least favorite part about your job? When white people call in and they don't know me and they're like, oh, yeah, what's up, brother? I'm like, yo, how you know I'm black, man?
Starting point is 01:34:58 What the fuck, man? I got my professional voice on. Sometimes white people. Maybe because you answer the phone like, bitches be tripping. What's up, motherfucker? Where's your RV at? All right, Arthur. You got to, man. You got to be a savage sometimes.
Starting point is 01:35:14 Fuck these customers, man. Real shit. I'll tell you this, man. You answer the questions honestly. You were a great fucking guest on a show where it was a lot of people giving a lot of short answers tonight, but you were a lot of fun to interview. There he is. Arthur Hamilton, everybody.
Starting point is 01:35:29 He's on Twitter at ComedianArthur. There he goes. Arthur Hamilton. Sort of reminds me of Preacher Lawson, who's gotten pulled out of the bucket quite a few times and came in fifth place this week on America's Got Talent. Preacher motherfucking Lawson. Wow!
Starting point is 01:35:45 Ryan J. E. Belt's drawing is fucking crazy. Four football players lugging our heads around. We did it, guys. That's Kill Tony live at the Comedy Store. Again, just a reminder, you gotta watch Snapchat's new show, Void. Five episodes
Starting point is 01:36:02 this week. Pat Reagan, Joel Jimenez, Brian Moses, and John Tomaszewski. Check it out on Snapchat, Comedy Central. Sal Volcano, I'm doing the Impractical Jokers cruise with you November 1st through the 5th. I believe that's sold out, right? That is sold out, yes. What else do you want to promote or plug? What else is going on?
Starting point is 01:36:17 November 9th, Madison Square Garden. Wow. Go see it. It's fucking fun. Those guys are absolutely great. The Tenderloins, the Impractical Jokers, the fucking best. Dom, you performed at the Greek Theater with them last night.
Starting point is 01:36:32 That was great. The fucking show was terrific. Dom Irera? What do you got coming up? I don't want to brag. I'm at the Mr. Magoobies Friday and Saturday. It's a great club, but why do they have to fucking name it that? Is it really? Mr. Magoobies. No, I it's a great club. Why do they have to fucking name it that? Is it really?
Starting point is 01:36:45 Wait, I think... Mr. McGoobies. No, I'm serious. What city is that? It's in Towson, yeah, Maryland, right at the summer of Baltimore. But I was on stage, I was talking about this,
Starting point is 01:36:55 at the Sydney Opera House one week, and the next week I was at Mr. McGoobies. Talk about keeping you fucking humble. Anyway, thanks for stopping by. I'm glad that I'm still filling the room, everybody. Come back when I'm not here to see Tony's show. Also, just really quick, thank you guys for always having me when I'm here.
Starting point is 01:37:13 This is literally my favorite show to do. We love to have you guys. We use you and Dom every chance we fucking get and that'll never end. We love talking to comedians with you guys. Both of you are very lovable and harsh and that's a perfect guest for the show. Honest. Well I hope they
Starting point is 01:37:30 know we're kidding and trying to have fun with them because even a minute's hard when you've never done it. Absolutely. Or if you've done it nine years a minute can be hard. Jeremiah Watkins. What's up buddy? Hey follow me on social media at Jeremiah's Stand-Up.
Starting point is 01:37:46 And then also, Pat and I have a new sketch out at ReaganandWatkins.com, so definitely check that out right now. Also, check out the video of last night of Jeremiah Watkins dancing and singing Adele to Gary Busey. It is one of the funniest things you'll ever see. Cap City for me. Rooster Teeth Feathers. La Jolla Comedy Store.
Starting point is 01:38:09 Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, and Adelaide. Starting in Melbourne November 22nd. I'm spending Thanksgiving in Australia this year. Chris, what's up, buddy? If you like monsters, you like comedy. Monster energy outbreak. That's right. You like monsters, you like comedy, you like comedy. Monster energy outbreak. That's right. You like monsters, you like comedy,
Starting point is 01:38:28 you like music, check out Draken the Swamp Rats. Ladies and gentlemen, Joel Berg is in the motherfucking house. Joel? Guys, please watch Void, Comedy Central, Snapchat. Please, do it. Follow him on all social media.
Starting point is 01:38:44 Mostly, sorry. You know the dates. come see Kill Tony live sometime make sure you check out this episode in VR 360 available on Facebook Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony I just wanted to say sometimes I pinch myself
Starting point is 01:39:00 and can't believe I'm here I love the show so much and then also also listen to Bill Withers pinch myself and can't believe I'm here. I love the show so much. Also, listen to Bill Withers. Yeah, check out Bill Withers. I absolutely love Bill Withers. I'll be in Indianapolis November 8th with Kate Quigley, November 9th, Columbus Funny Bone. There you go. Check it all out.
Starting point is 01:39:18 See Kill Tony live. Check everything out. Go have more fun. Live audience, thank you very much for coming out. We'll see you on the patio after the show. Do you want a high five or something like that? Thanks Danny Lucas, Ryan J. Ebald. Bye everybody. Have a great night.
Starting point is 01:39:39 We always wanna be there We always wanna be there We always Thank you.

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