KILL TONY - KILL TONY #233

Episode Date: October 5, 2017

Felipe Esparza, Ian Edwards, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 10/02/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to kill tony here at death squad go to our website death squad.tv for everything kill tony including past episodes and also information about when kill tony's coming to you that's right we are going on the road click on tour dates at death squad.tv and you'll see that kill tony is coming to the Boston Comedy Fest September 22nd. Wow, that's in like one week, two weeks, whatever. So go there and check that out. Death Squad's also going to Indiana, Morty's Comedy Joint, November 8th. Then we'll be in Columbus, Ohio, November 9th.

You can find out all this information, including every Monday at the world-famous comedy store, on our website, deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates also Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website TonyHinchcliffe.com he's on the road all the time he's also got some merch go to TonyHinchcliffe.com

and Ryan J Ebelt the house artist he draws every episode he does the Kill Tony posters you can check him out on his website, ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including a Kill Tony t-shirt. It's still in stock. It's almost sold out. You go to shopsquad.tv. Again, shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt. You also have some Death Squad shirts and some hats and some fidget spinners.

Check it out, ShopSquad.TV. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store main room. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, it's another episode of Kill Tony with Brian Red Band. Hey. Look, it's the producer, Josh Martin. Look at him, everybody.

Make some noise for Josh. Brian J. E. Belt is here. I'm excited about tonight. He's drawing tonight's episode, ryanjebelt.com, for every single print of all the shows, of all the most recent shows, and the official Kill Tony poster. What's up, Ryan Red Band?

Not much, man. A lot of crazy shit's been happening in the world, and we're so glad you guys could all make it out here to have some fun with us. Shall we have some fucking fun tonight? We are live. The number one live podcast in the world streaming live in VR360

from the Kill Tony Facebook account right now, globally, in VR360. Somebody's watching El Tocho drop off fucking empanadas to this table of inbred Diaz brothers or whatever the fuck's going on here in the front. Look at you guys. I like your style. They look like they haven't eaten in weeks.

Just digging into Comedy Store chicken strips, huh? Speaking of goddamn animals and human beings, I'm going to Austin, Texas on Wednesday. Gonna be there all week and all weekend at Cap City and Sunnyvale, California, La Jolla. I chase the summer through November

all the way to Australia where it actually will be summer for my third November in a row. I love Australia. November 22nd, I'm in Melbourne. The 23rd through the 25th in Sydney. The 26th of November in Brisbane. And the 28th in Adelaide. Then I come back for Kill Tony.

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Also, LA Speedweed. Who out there loves weed, huh? In Los Angeles, weed is legal. You can get it delivered. Speedweed makes it hard to read your advertisers. There you go. Alright. Shall we start the show? Are you guys ready for this shit or what? Huh? Speed weed makes it hard to read your advertisers. There you go. All right. Shall we start the show? Are you guys ready for this shit or what?

Huh? Let's bring out tonight's guests. Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians of the world. The most recent HBO special in the universe and a return of one of our favorite guests of all time. Put your hands together for the great Felipe Esparza and Ian Edwards. Yeah! Felipe! Ian! This shit is about to motherfucking go down.

We have waited exactly four years and four months of this show to get Felipe Esparza on this motherfucker, and there he is, live in the flesh, throwing out joints. Two out of the three, wait, no, three out of the five that he threw went to this table of the four Mexicans,

the animals with the chicken strips. What's up, what's up, what's up? Long arm that shit. Look at these thugs out there. It's a weed Santa Claus. Damn. Alrighty. That's right, cocksucker. That's how you get. I am fucking pumped.

The energy in here is good. You guys ready to have some fun tonight? I know you guys are. Shall we bring up the band? Just jump right into it? By the way, you gotta check out Felipe's new special on HBO. No doubt about it. Awesome. Translate this. Just came out. HBO Go, HBO Now,

HBO Latino. You can get a free month of HBO right now, so check it out, the app, HBO Now. Ian motherfucking Edwards is back. How's it going, Ian? Good, man. How y'all feeling? Good? This show is growing, man. Look at this main room and shit.

And you've been with us through it all, through thick and thin, through the robot absolutely everything in the bedroom everything and is one of the most cold-blooded hilarious fucking guests that we ever have on this show so we thank you for coming back you guys ready to jump into this shit and meet the band huh yeah it's my favorite goddamn band in the world it's the best damn band in the land every single week they improvise with different characters you never know what they're gonna come out as we all love them it's the best damn band in the land. Every single week they improvise with different characters. You never know what they're going to come out as. We all love them. It's the Kill Tony band. It's Pat Reagan,

Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Chris the bass player. What is this? Drinking the finest Merlot. Whoa. Wow. Oh. What they are this week.

Yeah. They're very fancy. They came out to string quartet music they each have a glass of red wine uh pat reagan is wearing the wig that he usually uses when he's hillary clinton uh and jeremiah has a scarf around his neck and his hair pulled back in a very fucking creepy way yeah you look like you wrote the wLeaks guy Yeah What the fuck that get up is Very American Psycho Yeah it's like

You can kick our asses but we're gonna sue you That band Great riffs all around Wait what are you? What are you guys? You imbecilable wine tasters Duh Wait you're fucking, I never

out of all the things, even though you all had wine, I never would have guessed you'd be that specific. I thought maybe, you know, entrepreneurs or fucking rich people. It's literally right in front of you, Tony. Yeah, I thought there was going to be more to it than that, but alright. Just some good old wine tasters.

You know you could sip wine in a t-shirt, right? You don't have to cross your legs like that And wear that green tablecloth around your neck I'm so pumped about this I can't imagine what seven jokes You guys must have pre-written as wine tasters tonight Yeah, I know This is perhaps the most niche out of all Last week you were just football players what seven jokes you guys must have pre-written as wine tasters tonight. Yeah, I know.

Perhaps the most niche out of all. Last week you were just football players. These jokes are leaving a bad taste in my mouth already. Okay, touche, motherfucker, touche. I've got six more where that came from. Jeremiah motherfucking Watkins, somehow. Jeremiah, switch the jokes around. It tastes better.

Yeah, give us another one. All right, so let's jump into it. In this bucket right here, I have a shit ton of names that signed up for the chance to have 60 seconds on this show. If I pull your name, you perform 60 seconds of anything. Sometimes it's a top young rising comedian who we see for the first time here. Sometimes it's a fucking crazy person. Sometimes it's just a cool black chick with a big butt. You know what I mean? That's Aphrodite.

Is she here? I don't see her. You know how it works. You get 60 seconds, humans. Your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Okay. Alright. Yeah, that's how that works. Perfect. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Yeah. I don't think you understand. You're the number one live podcast in the world. Are you guys ready to start this motherfucking show or what?

Felipe Esparza, Ian Edwards, Kill Tony, motherfucking 240 something. Yeah. And your first person with a 60 seconds uninterrupted stage time tonight goes to Derek Craigie. Yeah, Craigie. Come on, Derek. Here he comes. El Tocho, you have to get out of the fucking way, you idiot. How you doing, guys?

What's up, what's up? I'm from Scotland originally. I just got back. I was trying to have sex with a Scottish girl when I was back there. I couldn't get it up. She looked at me and said, maybe you should try a Viagra. I looked back at her and said, maybe you should try a fitness routine and a razor. Tough but fair, tough but fair.

That's why every Scottish guy is drunk, man. We see these girls and we think, fuck me, I can't do this. Give me the booze. Then after we do it, we can't believe we did it. We're like, fuck it, give me the bottle. I'm going to finish this off. You guys win when it comes to the girls. Saggy disco tits, beer bellies, hairy forearms and mustaches.

Those are hot Scottish chicks. That's why when I get with American girls I get a little too excited I try and smash their vagin like it's a fucking piñata at a Mexican kids birthday party I hooked up with an American girl she said let's try something romantic I said cool let's do some role play you can be a Jewish bakery owner and I'll be a Nazi debt collector hashtag

abuse I was trying to be a cool guy the other day. I had my kilt on. I was in a bar in Hollywood. A guy walked up to me and said, Hey, man, anytime I see a man in a skirt, I'll bend him over and fuck him up the ass. I said, don't fuck him up.

There you go. Derek Craigie. Derek Craigie. You're from Scotland Yes sir How do Scottish guys have the ability to get their forearms as big as their biceps? What is that Popeye shit workout that you guys do? Dude, this is 12,000 years of self-defense It's like 2 o'clock in the morning

What the fuck was that? What was that? It's like the UFC theme or something. How did you know he was going to say that? Because you could just see him. That's hilarious. Fucking 12,000 years of self-defense, mate. That music just always kicks in.

I got to be honest, man. You look pretty American. People, anytime I take the stage, folk always think I'm gonna be from Nebraska or Ohio or something. As soon as I start talking... You look racist, bro. Surprised with the Scottish accent. Yeah, man. Sneak attack.

Not a lot of people probably recognize Derek from the Scottish version of this show, Kilt Tony. It's the number two live podcast in the world Are you really like Scottish Or like an act Like Larry the Cable Guy

Full born man Born and raised Not Scotland Or Arizona It was funny I'm actually going back To Scotland in a few weeks And when I go back

They straight up laugh at me And say I sound American No It's hilarious I hear they They call you Brave Shart there. Joelberg's in the motherfucking house.

Wow, look at that. Do they have Mexicans in Scotland? No, they don't. We're going there next. Yeah, man. That'd be a good market. Derek, what do you do for work in Scotland? Well, I came here in 2002, so I've been out here since.

Toss logs. So I've been living here. Toss logs, toss cabers. 2002, a very good year. Joke number two, Hinchcliffe. Ooh. Oh, wow. So what have you been doing here since 2002?

Long story short, I came here on a martial arts ticket. Hilarious. That is it. John Claude Van Damme. This summer. What's happening? How do you do that? What martial arts are you?

Taekwondo, Muay Thai, and then it was right on the cusp of when the UFC was breaking out, and I remember seeing that, and I was like, oh, this will never take off. I never got involved, and then obviously I fucking did, and then just ended up switching from that, and then last year, I got into comedy.

So there you go. So I was busy doing martial arts stuff, and then just ended up switching from that and then last year I got into comedy. So there you go. So I was busy doing martial arts stuff and then fucking around. So you got sick of getting your ass beat? Pretty much. Pretty much. And so how's comedy been treating you? So far so good, man. Started last year.

It was something that I wasn't trying to do. It was a lot of my friends tried to get me into it. Why do you think they tried to get you into it? You know you have a lot of drunk friends that didn't give you bad advice. Pretty much. Freedom. I kind of would. I would kind of.

I just ended up doing it accidentally. I'd go to bars. I'd go to parties. I'd go to clubs and whatever. Before I knew it, like, my kind of thing was storytelling. I'd end up with people around me, and I was telling stories. And folk would always say, are you a stand-up? You should do stand-up.

I was like, nah, nah, not for me. And then last year, finally, I was like, fuck it, I'll go see what it's about. That's the longest explanation I've ever imagined. You said do it, I said okay. Your friends were like, you got this comedy thing in the bag, pipe. It's over. Look out. He's good. Oh, okay. Your friends were like, you got this comedy thing in the bag, pipe. It's over. Look out. He's good.

Oh, shit. I hear the rumblings. He's guilty now. Derek, you've been allowed to stay in America since 2002 because you're beating up other Americans? Yeah, exactly. Were you afraid of DACA when it happened? Or you said, I'm white, I'm alright. No, man, I was good, I was good, I'm alright with that.

He's white, he's good. I'm whiter than white. Now, you kept talking about how the American guys have it made with the ladies. Is that right? Did you cover that at some point? You said something like that? Oh, I just said the American girls are

a lot harder than the Scottish girls. A lot harder. Harder. Cuter. Better looking. Has a girl ever said you're the best she's ever plaid? Oh, there was one. Wow, this crowd wants to... Oh, man.

All right. So, what's, like, have you been able to get lucky with, like, American girls? I imagine that a lot of them, you know, fall in love with that accent, right? Yeah. I've asked. I've asked so many girls, and they're just like, oh, it's so hot. And I was like, but what's hot about it? They're like, just, it's so hot. And I was like, but what's hot about it? They're like, just anything you say is hot.

And I was like, what specifically? And they're just like, just keep talking. Wow. Sounds like you're hooking up with deaf chicks or something like that. So all American women sound like Adam Sandler to you? So there. Something like that. All right.

Well, Derek, I mean, what's like... Derek. When's the last time you got into a fight? I can't even remember. I wouldn't do that. Was it with a donkey? When I go back... I save it when I go back to Scotland.

It's like... when I go back. I save it when I go back to Scotland. You've never gotten close to being in one here in the States? No. I don't do that. You guys all got guns. It's fucking crazy. Back in Scotland,

everyone's just headbutting and punching. No one shoots one another. So it's like, it's a lot nicer. It's just a good old-fashioned beating. There's no people

getting killed. What are they, pipers? All right, Derek. Well, it was nice to meet you. Best of luck with everything. You too. Hell yeah, guys.

Derek! Derek! Hell yeah. And slow down on your jokes. You got a different accent, so you definitely need to slow down. Take it easy. How'd you wine tasters enjoy a little scotch for a change, huh? It was nice.

I just realized that Felipe is not one of my Mexicans who picks grapes for my vineyard. I step on them. Mm-hmm. Mexicans who picks grapes from my vineyard. I step on them. The microphone just basically gave up on life, but it makes me, the way that it went all the way down like that makes me want to give a special shout out

to a former guest on the show, one of our favorite human beings in the world, the great Wee Man is in the audience, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, Wee Man! Whole awesome jackass motherfucking table. Oh shit, motherfucking Steve-O. In danger, Aaron.

Holy shit. Wow, wow, wow. Make some noise for our friends from Jackass. Yeah, that's the kind of this is the kind of show you're at right now. Motherfucking jackass watching us.

It is weird, man. It's so awesome. Put your hands together for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. His name is King Hassan. here he comes put your hands together for king hassan everybody where are my weights at my weights here yeah, I got a quick question before I start. Does that speed stick deodorant really go unclear for you guys? Is that like a thing?

I tried it the other day, and I have a white powdery mess everywhere. It looks like I don't know how to do cocaine. That's... No, okay. Fun fact. I don't say the N-word, all right? And I feel like I've been up here long enough for you to realize that if the N-word came out of my voice, it would sound like a hate crime. You guys got that?

I can't say it. I can say other words, though. I can say words like synergy. These boat shoes aren't periwinkle. All lives matter. I don't mean it, but I can say it. No, the real reason why I don't say the N-word is because sometimes I date white women.

And dating white women is hard. I mean, not for me, but... All right, that's my time. Yeah! Hassan. King Hassan. What happened, bro? What's the question?

Just... I thought of one he could say. Instead of saying, the closest I come to the N word is Niagara. All right, we'll try that. Even when he says synergy, it sounds racist. He should say synergy. King Hassan, where are you from?

I was born in Alabama. When I was two, I moved to London. When I was four, I moved to Nigeria. But I was raised in San Jose. Army bread. I moved to London. When I was four, I moved to Nigeria. But I was raised in San Jose. Army bread. Yeah, I moved here from Canada. Jesus. What?

Fuck. Stop moving. Jason Bourne. You sound like you lie to bitches a lot. A lot. A lot. I can't keep track of it. He's just from somewhere.

I don't know. Yeah, this is like the Russell Peters of the future or something like that. It's kind of worldly. King Hassan, like, so the king part is a nickname? No, that's my real first name. God damn. Your parents named you king. Yeah. Why? Why do you think they did that? Ironic he's now a papa.

Quite a jester. So did you have to like work out to beat a lot of motherfuckers up when they tease you that your name is king? I actually used to be fat. So it was... How fat were you? I actually used to be fat. How fat were you? I had titties. Whoa.

He pointed at Philly. We actually met in San Jose. I used to work at the improv. We hung out a lot. What made you lose the weight? My grandma died. Your grandma died? She died of diabetes. Was she the one feeding you? Yeah.

Man, that's sad as shit for me. Yeah. I just had to put down my cat, Tuffy, so I relate entirely. How fat were you? I was 200 pounds at 13. God damn. Oh, my God. You were Kingdom Hassan. Yes damn it. Oh, my God. You were the, you were Kingdom Hasan.

Yes. Yeah. King size. How did you lose the weight? Just gym, diet. Who's Jim? Hey. Your name's King Hassan

But you sound more like King Joffrey King what do you do for work? I retired four years ago You wait What? I like this Was it Morgan Freeman here?

No I started Benjamin Butts I started a tech firm In the Bay Area And I sold it You started a what? A tech firm Wow what was it?

We got rid of paper receipts Wow put them on Yeah That was you? Yeah You sold what? We sold it. You started what? A tech firm. Wow, what was it? We got rid of paper receipts. Well, put them on... That was you? Yeah. You sold what? We sold it. The company bought our pet. How much did you sell it for?

I can't say. Oh, so you are a king. Can you ballpark it? It's got to be... Like, if I were to be... If you, like, accidentally nodded and I was like, $5 million, $10 million,

$50 million, $100 million, $5 million... I can say 10 million, 50 million, 100 million, 5 million. I can say three commas. You shouldn't be here. You should be on Shark Tank. Wait, three commas? You buy me an iPhone X. All right. Can't be that much. His shirt is fucking Kaiser Permanente on it.

Obamacare. They give those away. I love that you answered that, honestly, because it makes you an interesting creature on this show because very rarely do we have somebody who's retired. You can't call a king a creature. You can't call a three-comma king a creature. It's impossible.

We've never, how old are you? I just turned 34 last week. So you're 34. Retired. You don't have to worry about money. And so now you get to do whatever you want. How long has it been since you sold the company? Four years.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. What were you doing just before that? Just fucking. So you sold a tech company and then you started working at the San Jose Improv? No, I put myself through college at the San Jose Improv.

Like a long time ago. How much money you have left? Straight up. I have a lot more than I started with. I bought a bunch of houses in the south. When you say you're rich... You motherfucker than I started with. I bought a bunch of houses in the south. When you say you're rich, I'm like, you motherfucker. I love this.

You know what? I like you, but I don't like you. I get it. I feel you, but I don't like you. Fuck it, you're a motherfucking man. I have a movie that needs funding. What are some things that you've realized with your unbelievable monetary success? What are some things that you've realized with your unbelievable monetary success?

What are some things that you do that you think that we might not think that it would be that way for someone that has that kind of money? You know what I mean? Good question. People would be surprised if they knew that this is, you know. Still not tipping? No. Brian Redband. I mean, I travel

a lot. I mean, that's pretty much what I do. Where are some of your favorite places to go? And by that I mean, of course, which place has the best hookers? Malta. Why Malta? I actually went to school there before I went to Sunday school. Jesus Christ, the lie continues.

It's amazing. This is the amazing Mr. King, Assange Ripley, up on stage. I'm pretty sure I've seen this movie, Coming to America, right? Coming to Malta. I came from San Jose University by working at a McDonald's. Just trying to blend in. American greed. So, King, what's your deal? San Jose University by working at a McDonald's. Just trying to blend in. American Greed. So King,

what's your deal? You in love? Yeah, I just proposed to my girlfriend last month. What did she say? What? She said, yeah. She said, are you going to get a prenup?

She's not stupid. She just delivered our first baby, so. She delivered it? Listen, man. She pulled it out? Listen, dude. You make the baby sign a prenup. Fuck that shit, son.

You teach that baby to read as soon as possible and sign its name right there. So fucking funny. This is my second marriage. Is she white right there. So fucking funny. This is my second marriage. Is she white? Yeah. I knew it. But let me ask you. Is she white?

Absolutely. So let me ask you. How many times a week do you get up? I want to see how serious you are about stand up. Four to five times. That's decent. Where do you live?

Glendale. Glendale? Man, all that money and you chose Glendale? Why, my friend? That's how you save money. My friend, why, my friend? It's suspicious. You must have a really big house.

It's cheaper to live there because of the Armenians. I don't think you could have... Haska Newman. Really hit that one right on the head over there. It's hilarious. It's fucked up. Probably true, but fucked up. No porosky for you.

King, let me ask you something. Were you surprised when your lady told you she was pregnant? Yeah. Because what? You were pulling out? Yeah. Because you're protecting your investment. Did you want a baby. I've gone 33

years without ever having this happen. Hey, I'm 33 as well. I think about that shit all the time. I went 16, bro. Did you blow through the condom to see how many holes she poked in it? Were you wearing a condom?

I'm sure at some point. Not regularly. But you weren't finishing inside of her? Were you wearing a condom? One, I'm sure, at some point. What size condom? Not regularly. Right. Not regularly. But you weren't finishing inside of her? No, no, no. Because you're like, I don't want to lock it down.

She still got pregnant? Yeah. You're 100% sure it's yours? It's Asian baby, right? Can you make an app to make sure and check if it's your baby? Yeah. Is she going to have it at Kaiser? I got this shirt at the finals.

Cool. The NBA finals. When's the baby due? No, we already had it. Oh, what's the baby's name? King what? No, her name's Birdie. Her name is what?

Birdie. Birdie? Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie.

Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Why don't you go tweet about it?

It sounds like weird names running the family. Well, King, I'll tell you this. You are a very intriguing story. I always figured that if that type of shit happened to me, that's what I would do. I'd go chase down a fucking goal and sit on my money and not make babies. I did that for a year and then I had to do something. You're such a romantic, aren't you? It's funny. It's an amazing success

story and I love that you're here grinding in a very tough setting. That's fucking awesome, man. Congratulations. There he is. Come back again soon, man. I want follow-ups on all this shit.

Come on. He's a fucking billionaire. He doesn't have to be here. King Hassan. That's the reason why you fucking don't have to have paper receipts. They get texted to you because of that motherfucker, you idiots. That fucking guy right there. A millionaire put his name in a hat

and hoped it would get drawn. And then it didn't. This guy has so much That fucking guy right there. A millionaire put his name in a hat. And hoped it would get drawn. And then it didn't. This guy has so much luck. He paid me $100,000. I'm going to say he paid you to draw his name. Hey, I would take it. That type of money.

Put your hands together for your next comedian, Michael Pena. Here he comes. Hello everybody, my name is Michael Pena. My 82-year-old Mexican mother who's thought cancer had gotten to the other side. She's been trying a new venture, and that's her smartphone. She told me the other day, hey, Mike, I got a new smartphone. Can you tell the guy what you need to do to make it work? So I told the guy, hey, make sure you help her text, make sure you help her send messages, and make sure you help her turn the phone on and off.

So about three hours later, I get a phone call, and I don't recognize the number, and all of a sudden, it says, hello mijo, it's me. He goes, it's your mom, this is my new number. Don't call me back, because I don't know how to turn it on. I was like, what? Like, mom?

So I called her up, mom, what are you doing? Well, you know, I was talking to the guy, and he says to me all these things how to do it. I said, you know what? Turning it on and off is enough for an 82-year-old woman. Let's just leave it at that. So I'm like, oh, okay, Mom. You can handle a lot of things.

You can handle a cell phone. Ironically, just recently, she also gave me a call, and she says, Mike, I have a phone call. Holy shit. Man, it doesn't get much worse than that I know I don't know what you could have really have done to have been worse

Hey Tony I want to let Donald Trump know we got three Mexicans on the stage right now He is Mexican? I'm Mexican You know what, you handled this well considering you're the poorest person to touch that mic since King Hassan.

I don't know about that. He actually owns his own company. What do you own, Peña? Oh, you do own your own company, right? Oh, you do? You're still poor. Compared to Hassan, you're broke as shit. What is your company?

What does your company do again? A new streaming platform we're launching soon. A new streaming platform. Oh launching soon. A new streaming platform. All you fucking tech people. It's incredible. What made you want to do stand-up comedy? Oh, I just thought it'd be kind of fun to get on the stage and talk to people.

Don't we all? We were talking. How was it? Hey, Tony, may I say I don't know when he wrote those jokes but they have not aged well. I tried to do something a little different than I've been doing. How long have you been doing it?

Wait, hold on one second. Well, I've been doing a lot of different stuff but today everything kind of bothered me about Vegas so I just wanted to say something nice and happy and funny instead of crazy. So then why didn't you do that? Ah! That's hilarious.

You can't be meaner than Nana, okay? You're saying you have an 80-year-old mom? 82. 82, because from over here you were saying 18. Oh, no, no. 82-year-old. Which is also possible. You're Mexican. So where did you grow up? Phoenix, Arizona.

I grew up in the projects there with five brothers. My mom raised us all alone. Oh wow, you started your own company and your brothers were in jail. Got us all through college. They're the janitor. Custodian dick.

Michael, we have a question for you. Question over there by the wine tasters. Where did you get your blazer? It is smashing. Wow. Well now. Good question.

Michael, where did you get that blazer? My trunk. If you had to guess. Out of the closet? Oh, my God. Is that a Moe's? That's my other reference. Is that a Moe's skin?

No book right there? Yes, it is. Moe's skin? It is. Did you rehearse your set before you did it? I've done it a couple more times. I just got a little bit. How many times?

How many times? Just a couple. Two times. You sound like really rehearsed. You got to relax more. Yeah. Yeah. Connect with people.

Talk to them. It sounded like a joke you were doing. You don't want it to sound like that. You know what I mean? So just relax. Okay. What does a typical day for you seem like? We found out last time you were on the show, what, you're gay, you live in WeHo.

Oh, you are gay. You have a tech company. Am I going to laugh for that out of the closet joke now? You'll go. Wow, you are undercover, huh? I've never heard anybody ask for residual laughter before. That's what I do. Well, I do that.

Remember I told you I lost weight last time? I'm now down to 30 pounds lost. So that shirt or stripes, not your stretch marks. Oh, no, no, no. What have you done to lose the weight? Just let the AIDS do its job? No, yeah, yeah.

I pile it up. No, not really. Power juices. No, I've done it. Nordic Track put me on a program. What? Nordic Track put me on a program. Nordic Track?

Remember he's a... Nordic Track? They're paying him to do it, remember? Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. So they pay me every day. I mean, not pay me every day, but they feed me every day.

Yeah, that'd be weird if they paid you every day. They feed me every day. I mean, not pay me every day, but they feed me every day. Yeah, that'd be weird if they paid you every day. They feed me every day. They build this facility downtown LA where just us, we go there. How many NordicTrack people are there? 60. 60. So you're an experimenter. And it's just all a bunch of fucking insane people, like extras and things like that.

Well, yeah, they're all actors and different people. Wow. When you see the NordicTr Track commercials, it's the group. And so I happen to get lucky. Mega Mace is actually who does it. And they're pretty amazing. Do you believe in Nordic Track? I believe... Okay, I was a former athlete,

so I'll be honest with you, I do. What sport? Bowling? Yeah. Well, balls were involved. Gymnastics. I was a gymnast at Arizona State University. Gymnastics. Yeah. Can you blow yourself?

Come on. Who's Jim? Do you keep up on it or anything like that? Gymnastics? Yeah. Yeah, I still do it. Really? Can you do anything on this stage right now?

We're streaming live in VR360. I'm pretty sure right there, that camera would love a big gay handstand or something like that. You want to grab on my parallel bar? Only if it's a single bar. Michael, does anything... Hey, watch out now. Let's quit horsing around. Brown on brown crime.

Michael, has anything interesting happened to you in real life in the past couple weeks? Since you've been on the show last, I feel like you were on pretty recently. Yeah, three weeks ago. It was my birthday last week. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Did you do anything special? Did you blow out your boyfriend?

I came to the Kill Tony show. You came to the Kill Tony show. It was my birthday Monday, last Monday. Now, do you have a regular boyfriend? No, no, no. I haven't had a date in five and a half years, remember? What? Why not?

I haven't had a date in five and a half years. Why not? So you go to meetings for that or what? Yes, yes. I haven't had a date in five and a half years, remember? What? I haven't had a date in five and a half years. Wow. So you go to meetings for that, or what? Yes, yes. Kind of like AAA. Yeah, we need to get you on the right track. Why haven't you had a date in five and a half years? Well, you know... Thank you.

Yo no me gusta la verga. The last three guys I've dated have gone straight, so... They've gone straight? That's how bad of a gay guy you are. Man, how bad are you? Jesus. That's the worst gay guy ever. They quit after their turn, huh?

Your dick is so bad. In fact, I started a new website for it called getyourmanstraight.com. What? You should talk about that on stage. No, I do. I didn't today because last week I came to do it and that girl did that skit and it kind of bothered me. If you could straighten out your act the way you straighten out a guy. Yeah, man.

My goodness, Michael. What do you think it is? What do you think it is? What do you think it is? Honestly, you must think about this. What do you think it is about you that makes gay guys want to go straight? The jacket. I call it gay with Mike. What?

They're just gay with Mike. Meaning for some reason I have this personality or whatever it is, and they think it's okay, and I say it's okay. I was going to say you're corny, man. I'm corny? That too. Corny. Yeah, corny asada.

Corny asada. Well, I make really good tacos. I see what you're saying. So gay with Mike, you're Mike. So are they straight before they hook up with you? Some. Two were. But not the third one. He was gay. Wow. You have a preference in

turning straight people gay? I don't turn straight people gay. They were gay and they decided to go back straight. You don't take any pride in being the one that brings them the crossover? You know, I'm not going to win a refrigerator or a toaster oven over it. How about a fucking Nordic track?

But I got Nordic track, so who knows? Wow. Do you ever use any of your Nordic track exercises on the guys? You know what I mean? Any of that crazy shit? Are you a top or a bottom? Oh, no, you asked me that before.

We forgot. Answer. Both. You put it in your own ass. I wouldn't hear. A gentleman doesn't tell Yeah but we're talking to you I think with that handout We know he's a bottom ladies and gentlemen

There he is it's confirmed I don't believe in Tops or bottoms You don't believe in tops or bottoms What do you mean it's not like it's a ghost or something It's a sexual preference. He's a flat earther. I don't believe in that shit, dude.

I have sideways sex or nothing at all. You mentioned our favorite movie. I put my top in their bottom. No, I think that's kind of a bad stereotype for gay people. That's just my belief. Wait, what? Well, because I believe that when you tell younger people that they're a top or bottom, you're kind of making them move into a direction that necessarily they're not.

Some people just like to take it, man. Yeah, I do. I'm just saying. There's straight men who like it, too. He said, I do. Rewind. You're a bottom, by the way, Michael. If anybody ever asks, you're a bottom.

It's not I don't believe in that. You take dicks in your ass, dude. We all see it. I don't know. I don't think we should put a label on it. Thank you. This guy's had more. Absolutely.

All right, Michael. Well, it was fun talking to you again. Best of luck with everything. Back in the closet, he goes. Michael Pena. Peace, the closet, he goes. Michael Pena. Peace, Pena. Oh, yeah.

All right. You guys having fun out there, huh? Kill Tony, Monday night? Fuck yeah. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Gabriel V. Garola. Here we go.

Gabriel? I'm not seeing any movement. Here he comes. Out of the darkness, taking off the jacket, throws it on a random table. Put your hands together for Gabriel Garola. A lot of terrible things happening these past few days. One of them being

that the count kind of bothered me a little bit. It was an odd number. In Vegas, the bass wasn't the only thing that dropped. That's fucked up. I only date feminists with huge tits.

And that's all I have to say. That's my time. So, you guys ever, like, feed pigeons? I try to do that as often as possible. There you go. Gabriel V. Garola.

You just let me realize that from now on when people sign out, I'm no longer signing out for them. I'm just going to watch and see what happens from now on. The whole 60 seconds. I've never actually met a Mexicant before. There was nothing more fun than watching

you realize that you were going to have to do another joke. And he didn't have one. The comedians roar. They know it. They saw it too. I mean, you only had two jokes and you wore one of them on your shirt. That is fucking bananas.

Yeah, that was his set. Listen, look at this guy in a white shirt with his arm. He is fucking pissed at your set. He's fucking angry. He's like... Did you make that shirt or did you buy that shirt? I forgot I had it on.

I made it. You ripped off your jacket and showed your best joke, which was still awful. That's his, that's all good. That's on his set list. Yeah, but yeah, just. Oh my God. How did I not notice that until Ian made the joke, by the way? Like I feel like it like switched, like that letter's only come out when you're sweating or something like that.

Oh my God. He said it twice because it was a callback. You put that joke on a shirt. That was a mean deadpan, though. It died afterward, but it was good. I liked it. I'm going to ask you a question, Gabriel, and I want you to answer it honestly.

Okay? Will you? Have you ever, in your life, dated a feminist with huge tits? I don't know if she was a feminist. I didn't talk to her. No. The answer is absolutely not. The answer is no.

Where are you from? Here, California, Lakewood. Lakewood. How long have you? Here, California, Lakewood. Lakewood. How long have you been doing comedy? I haven't. Do you? That's funny. Very honest.

You were more honest about that than you were about the have you ever dated a feminist with huge tits before. Honestly, Tony. What company do you own? I know, right? Well, guys, Tony, in his defense, he just turned straight again. I'm actually looking to find out what makes people gay. This is your first set ever?

No, I've been on Kill Tony before. What did we find out about you on the last episode? What did we talk about? You kicked me off. I did? Why did I kick you off? I was doing this. What do you do for work? I'm a preschool photographer.

Oh, shit. This is not going to go well. This is not going to go well. Well, you started off as a kid, and now you're a kid photographer. Garcon, I'm going to need another one of these. He's like, I'm just waiting for these kids to develop.

Wow. Joel just hit it half-court shot. Waiting for these to develop. That is the perfect preschool photographer joke. How much time do you have? Like, left on her? An hour? What? How much time can you do?

I don't know. I just have stuff written down on my notepad. Twelve years? My don't know. I just have stuff written down on my notepad. 12 years? My phone's dead. In the future, you really have to grab that mic and put it right close to your face. I had to turn it up halfway. If you're at some comedy bar, they're not going to do that.

You're just going to be like... You can hear you, but they can't hear you. And it's a live podcast, too. So after all that, after the big fun intro and everything, you just die to slow death. It's just so funny. Coming to the stage, he had wrestling energy. Rip off his jacket, jump on the stage, and then just turn the switch off. The only mic he's held close to his face was four.

How old are you, Gabriel? 23. 23 years old. There's something funny about you, though, for real, for real. He has some type of deadpan energy. You just got to write the jokes, put the stage time in, and you'll be fine. Or are you checking your own pulse right now? I was just making sure that I was still alive.

Gabriel, is there any truth to your preschool photographer thing? What does that mean? No, that's totally true. When do you take pictures of preschoolers? Every day. Oh, Jesus Christ. Who pays you to do that?

These answers are not good. Are you a registered photographer? This website. It's kind of like Uber. Get a call and... Pornhub. What? I said it's kind of like Uber.

You just get a call and then... No, it's not like Uber. It's not. What is it? Chester the Molester? Every picture he takes is like through a chain link fence. He's like, no, it's a filter, fool. Only photos in vans.

How did you get this job? You're clearly not explaining. I'm starting to realize why I may have kicked you off last time. You're not answering the question that I really asked you. My uncle, I needed a job. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, shit. It just keeps getting creepier.

My uncle had an erection. He builds playgrounds. Your uncle was a preschool photographer? Yes. So you're following in a long line of footsteps. Was your uncle your preschool photographer? He was Polaroids? What do your other family members do?

Ice cream truck driver? Waterslide fixer? Big jumpers? No, I don't really know. You have brothers and sisters? Yes. What do they do? Model.

They just hang out. What do you mean they fucking hang out, dude? They go to middle school. Maybe when you get a promotion you'll be photographing them. So you have five days a week you're taking pictures of kids.

On call. What are they doing when you take pictures of them? Going to the bathroom. We might be solving a crime right here. It's a thing. Keep asking questions, Tony. You know how you take children to... No, we don't know.

No fucking idea. They go to daycare. I'm the one that takes care of them during the day. So what do you mean take pictures? What does that mean photographer? You have a picture day. You're the picture day guy. Yes, I'm the dude that comes to take pictures of your children.

You're the guy? You're the picture day guy. Mr. Toy. He calls it Tinder. Kinder. Tinder. Tinder. Toy. He calls it Tinder. Kinder. Tinder. Yes.

Kinder. Get at me on Kinder, please. What if I were? Is it mostly upskirts? Okay. All right. That's what happens when you just go for nothing. Gabriel, what is the creepiest thing that's happened while taking pictures of these kids? There must be a standout moment for nothing. Gabriel, what is the creepiest thing that's happened

while taking pictures of these kids? There must be a standout moment for you. A question for the kids or Gabriel? Is there ever an awkward moment? No, there's some, I mean, the most recent thing that was pretty weird was that I had a trial pee on the set. Was what?

On the set, someone started to pee, and that was pretty... Oh, so you could say he was overexposed. No, in their pants, and then into the mat, so their teacher had to come. They're actually... The teachers are not very nice.

Are these all, like, your search engine words that you use? Yeah, your delivery is weird. I wonder if this is how you talk when you hang out with people or if this is like a delivery system that you think is going to work for you. No, I don't think it works. I think this is him. There's something funny and offbeat about him.

You just got to write, man. Yeah. And don't get arrested saying weird shit to people yeah write on paper not t-shirts my job's kind of the only place where at work you can get arrested for boner anywhere else

that's kind of funny are you confessing a crime right now you know when you're working at Home Depot start sketching this guy but you're at Home Depot. Start sketching this guy. But you're at Home Depot and you're at a register or something. Is this something? Do you see yourself taking pictures of kids for a long time?

No. What do you want to do? It's terrible. What are you going to do? Come. It's hilarious. It's so funny. Somebody said, oh my my god You're 23?

Yeah I'm just waiting for my brothers to grow up I bet you are Move to Alaska You're gonna move to Alaska? Why what are you gonna do up there? Really let your pedophilia go wild right? Up there in the snow Go fuck salmon

that are spawning. Get their kids. Salmon's so good. As a wine enthusiast, I would like to say that you're funnier than most comedians. You have good taste. There you go. Alright, there he goes.

This is Gabriel Figueroa, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter at GormlessGabby. Michael Pena left some kind of website. Likeade Love, King Hassan, Derek Cravey. This is fun. Hey, Tony, I've got a question for Felipe.

Yeah. Hey, I'm born and raised in Frogtown. I know you lived there for a while. If you could give one word on your time in Frogtown, what would it be? Crack. I was living on Demby. I was living on Demby. Oh, Purtle Street, baby.

Don't come and find me, you fucks. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We are in for a very special treat. Put your hands together for Danger Aaron, ladies and gentlemen. He signed up. He got out. Dreams really do come true.

You know him from Jackass. Jackass 2. Jackass 2.5. Jackass 3. Wild Boys.5. Jackass 3. Wild Boys. Everything. It's Danger Aaron, ladies and gentlemen. All right.

Thank you, Tony, for having me here. That's totally awesome. Before I get started, I just want to let you guys all know that this is my real beard. It's not dick hair. And I do not have crabs. On my face. First pair of titties I saw, I was seven. That's, nobody?

Titties, come on, titties. Yeah, titties. She was 80. I grew up in a mortuary. My dad's a mortician. It's a true story. I thought titties looked like California raisins, and I wanted no part of that. Yeah, really funny, right?

When I grew up, I wanted to be... Well, most of my friends, they actually wanted to be firemen or policemen or astronauts, and I wanted to get kicked in the dick and eat pee for a living so success right there this is an interesting episode where everybody coming out

is like already successful this might be our best episode of bucket pool names pulled out of a bucket when it comes to bank accounts this episode. Danger, how's life? Oh, it's good. It's good. I just flew in from Portland today.

I love that. A couple hours ago. And we actually hung out in Portland, me, you, and Jeremiah Watkins before he became this uppity fucking wine taster. Story about this guy. Apparently he's never been to a strip club before and still has not been to a strip club. Literally walked into the strip club, head down straight to the outback.

That was it. God was watching him. And he was not peeking. It's totally true. It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. I've never seen a dude with a penis, I hope, walk into a titty club

and look down. And then go outside and eat steak. Listen, man, you're killing. That was better than you said. Just killed. Thank you. Take Jeremiah with you.

But it's all true. It's true. You can feel the realness. Jeremiah, anything you want to say about that? I was the only other witness. I don't want to throw you under the bus, but you're already there. The steak bites and blue cheese

of the strip club is quite good. They're so delicious. And that is the true story. Well worth the cheese at the strip club is quite good they're so delicious well worth the way through the strip club to go out back too that is the true story as we were hanging out with Danger in Portland after our show a few weeks ago at the Aladdin Theater and we're like Danger what should we do what's fun we're in the mood

to just eat some food we're fucking starving and you're like I know a place with the best fucking steak it's this fucking steak. The best place. It's this fucking steak salad you got to fucking come get. It's a blue cheese steak salad. And at the time, we were just low on carbs. A fucking crazy show that night at the Aladdin's.

We're like, fuck yeah, steak salad. And we were high-fiving our way through that fucking place, right? He barely could find his way through because he was literally looking down the whole time. It almost ran into a stripper. And I hope this isn't too embarrassing for you, but he's such a good human being. Yes, he is. He's about to marry his high school sweetheart. He doesn't drink. He doesn't smoke.

He's a fucking great guy. She's like, that's right. He looks down. Do you masturbate? Quite frequently. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

360. You could get so laid by playing that. You know that, right? Yes. It's a danger. You know that, right? Yes. It's a danger. What a waste of talent, seriously. What you been up to lately? Anything fun, man?

Are you doing stand-up? You do? Yeah. I did it, too, with some of these guys here. We've done some stuff. Steve-O's really badass. He's got another show coming up here soon. He had me come down to film some stuff this weekend or this week during this week time.

Whatever. Same thing. Yeah, man. I haven't drank in two and a half years. So you're sober too? Yeah, but I've been stoned as fuck for two and a half years. Hell yeah. That's something to clap about. What were you doing in Portland?

I grew up there. I lived there. I grew up in a mortuary for 12 years of my life. My dad's a mortician. He's also a fly fisherman. He's the fishing mortician. Wow. Got the paper when I was a kid. I was like, damn, I want to get in the paper someday.

It's true. I loved that. You had no chance. You was going to be weird regardless. Yeah, I mean... I remember the first prank I ever did. My dad was selling a casket to this family that lost their loved one. And I wasn't sure if it was a mother or dad or whatever it was.

I thought it would be funny to lay in the casket and put the lid down. As he opened it to show them how beautiful it was inside, I jumped out and scared the shit out of him. I got spanked. A lot. Like a preschooler. Was that real? Is there such a thing as a preschool photographer?

Sign me up, bro, because I'm a photographer and that sounds pretty easy. Like, don't move. It's like, what the fuck? Is that real? You don't want to do that. And hey, King, over there, I want to hang out with you later if you could. I got this really good idea for a company.

And in both caskets. We'll wrap. We'll wrap. Danger. We grazed upon earlier how much we love Jackass, and it's always been surreal to me, the relationships and everything, and being a next-door neighbor to Rick Kozik, the main camera guy, and getting to hang out with you guys and see you guys all the time.

Because I've always been such a real fan. I've always said two of the things that really only always make me laugh are Jackass things and South Park things. So I'm going to ask you a question. Out of all the shit that you've done, out of all the amazing Jackass stunts and everything, what's the one thing that you ended up seeing that made you laugh the hardest when it happened?

Do you remember just your favorite thing? It's cheesy of a question. Besides watching Jeremiah walk through a strip club without looking at the strip club. I'm Jeremiah Watkins, and this is shy strip club goer. And he really did. Honestly, I almost pissed myself. That was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

I've never seen a straight dude walk through a strip club. I couldn't really laugh at it. I was doing more of like a gasping. That's like embarrassing you. Walking through the strip club like that. Was he wearing that jacket? No, he was not wearing that jacket. Michael Pena probably would have looked at the ladies more than Jeremiah Watkins did.

He would have looked at the ladies' kids. Yeah, it was awkward. But your favorite stunt, you got one, anything stands out to you? Maybe you were in it or it was just something that you saw. The pubic hair thing was pretty funny. When we do our stunts,

we usually write our own stuff, our skits. Do they smell? By the way, there's three of the contributors to my beautiful beard I had right there. Thank you guys very much. Did they smell the pubic hair? Did they stink? No, apparently they microwaved it

before they stuck it to my face. Microwaves. Duh. To disinfect it? Because apparently microwaves kill everything that would be down here. That's a good tip. I'm Steve-O, and I'm about to microwave some pubes.

The worst part about that wasn't, it was the fact that I was missing a tooth at the time. So like. You were flossing then. Well, basically, but not by choice, but like literally the pubic hair went up into the root of my gum. So like, and I just lost my tooth recently. So it was fresh meat.

Wow. Like the kids that guy photographs? Yeah. And I just lost my tooth recently So it was fresh meat Wow Like the kids that guy photographs? Yeah That's like the worst fucking job I'm sorry dude but I still don't get it Is that a real job? Preschool photographer? You had your pictures taken as a kid right?

Yeah and I would not let that dude take my photograph It was usually some old lady that was very kind and didn't touch you yeah that's right they gave you the comb to comb there that's great man what does that guy give out penis muscle little minins. Those little pieces of corn you eat. I don't know. Gives out inches. Danger, you were fucking awesome. Yeah, man. I like me doing stand-up.

Do you chore with Steve-O? I've opened up for him a couple times. Tommy T's and Pleasanton. Thank you very much for having me. That's right. He's my brother. Steve-O's killing it, by the way. If you haven't seen his special that I already did with Showtime,

you should go check it out. Check it out. And I'll say this. I'm very proud of him. Absolutely. And a lot of, you know, especially being built here at the Comedy Store and being such store guys and everything. Like, it's like, you know, there's almost a natural thing where it's like when somebody goes from doing something to being a stand-up comedian. It's always, there's always a thing in our head where it's like,

ah, of course, you know, because they can sell tickets and this and that. But, I mean, Steve-O has really, and clearly you're working at it, Danger, but you guys, what's very impressive is you've really, you know, I can tell that everybody can tell that you guys respect the art form and really put a lot of work into it, and that's so fucking awesome. And hopefully these spoiled millionaires that got up earlier will take it the same way. One more time for Steve-O, everybody.

Danger, here it is. The Jackass family. Wee Man, Rick Kozik. Yee-hoo! Woo! Now, now, now, now. Now, now. Now, now, now.

Whoa. Fuck yeah, and the Kill Tony band nailing it. It's a tonkist. What do you guys say we get our one and only regular up here, huh? For those of you that are fans of the show, you must know that there's one human being that doesn't get pulled out of the bucket. Every single week she writes and performs a brand new 60 Seconds.

The little baby Frankenstein of Kill Tony and one of my favorite comedians to watch. It's the great Allie Makovsky, everybody. Still Eminem. Hi. I had respectful sex for the very first time in my

life, and it was crazy. I didn't know that it was possible to treat another person like a human, but I'm here to tell the story. I was in New York. I met a guy. We had been talking online. We have mutual friends, and so we were planning on meeting up. And so I was like, okay, we're just going to fuck. And then he texted me saying, hey, do you want to get dinner? And I was like, I'm not prepared for this. I called my friend. I was like, this guy I think wants to go on a date.

What if by the end of the date he doesn't even want to fuck me? I go on the date. It's nice. Then we're leaving, and he's giving me a ride to my friend's place and we get there. He didn't even try and like grab my tit on the ride over either. And he wasn't assuming that we were going to have sex. I was like, oh, give me a ride to my friend's place. Okay. I can't wait to see what your room looks like. I'm going to keep going. I did not plan this to be a minute, so let's hope it's worth it. He drops me off at my friend's place, and he asks if he can make out with me. I was like, duh. So we're making out,

and then he's like, all right, have a good night, and I was like, what the fuck? So I was like, no, I want to go back to your place. We end up going back to his place and we're making out at his place, okay? Stay with me, guys. We're making out at his place. I have to initiate the first move. I said, hey, I want to have sex. Oh, shit.

Red band dropping the hammer. I tried. You can't double your time. You keep breaking the wall and saying that you're going over your time. You can't have it all. Everything. Right.

Five or ten seconds. It's cool. Just stick with me. Every. Okay. All right. It's funny. It's like women are boring even when they're telling a sex story.

I mean, holy shit, Allie. What is going on there? You got to hit the beats. I was so into it. And then you watered it down. I didn't water it down. I just didn't have time. What happened? Okay, so keep going now.

Yeah, finish it. It's going to go really great now. Well, you already did this. You did this yourself in the middle of it. It's the setup. Keep going. Keep going. Just like her, the joke will never finish.

No, I don't want to have sex. I got back to his place we were making out. I asked, I said, I want to have sex. And he pulled out a condom. Wait, you just say that? Yeah, now we're in this part of the show where the act's over. If you didn't get it in the time. Okay, great.

Did you really say that? I said, I want to have sex. I want to have sex. What about this guy? That's how you do it. What about this guy? Well, because he wasn't making a move said I want to have sex. I want to have sex. What about this guy? That's how you do it. What about this guy? Well, because he wasn't making a move. I want to have sex.

But you don't say that to all the guys. So what about this guy that made you say that? Well, because he wasn't assuming that we were going to fuck, which I find very impressive and cool now. So the guys that want to fuck, you're like, I'm not fucking you. The guys who want to fuck me, fuck me. There's no it's good to know

noted I think everybody should write that down that's a guy name is Allie last name make sure we have all that information blonde looks like Eminem make sure y'all and Allie by the way information. She's blonde, looks like Eminem. And

make sure, y'all. And Allie, by the way, I fucking love the premise. You know? Yeah, I love the joke, but... I think you can jump right into it. And by the way, you give it away. I don't think you need to say that you had respectful sex. I think you can just jump into the story and say that the guy wanted

to have dinner, and then you're almost establishing more that when you say, what if he doesn't want to fuck me after dinner, then we know that, I mean, we're with you instead of knowing the answer already. I don't know. Does that make sense? Yeah, it makes sense. When I tried it out at open mics with just the short version,

I feel like guys or girls assume that it's always respectful and that wasn't my case. Let's figure out what the rest of it is. We never really got to it. So you said you wanted to have sex. So I go to his place and I say I want to have sex. He immediately pulls out a condom. The joke is I didn't know that guys had these. Condoms. Condoms.

Yeah. I've never seen one come from a guy. I always have to be the one who shows the condom. And then he didn't even say anything about wearing it. Normally guys are like, sorry, I can't wear a condom. I'm allergic to safe sex. Meow, rawr, jokes over.

So loose. Allie just rewrote this episode in her head just then. Meow, rawr, killed it, good night. It was the time of my life. I would like to have sex with you. I am ready for sex time. Allie, you could say like he pulls out the condom and you're like, I didn't know men had this. Respect for women.

What's a respectful sex? Just like not assuming. At least for me, because I I'm young so I grew up with like you know Tinder. Was it really respectful the whole way through though? I mean I'd be more interested if there was a twist. He throws the condom on and just starts butt fucking you or something

like that. You know what I mean? This is not respectful at all. How many times did he say are you okay during it? What do you mean? Was he like are you okay? Was he asking? do you mean? Was he like, are you okay? No, no, no. See, that's the thing. It was all good. He wasn't like a bitch or anything.

He was just very nice. Was it better than non-respectful? Well, you said when a guy pulled out a condom and you said you're used to providing these. You've never seen a guy with them, right? How big is your condom collection?

I think I just small. Small collection. Small now because you use them all. Because every guy that wants to fuck you, fucks you. You should just say just use the one in my vagina. Yeah, that's a good one. Was the guy respectful afterwards?

Yeah. In what way? How was he respectful? He drove me to the train. He drove you to the train? He took me to another mode of transportation. Oh, I thought he drove you to a train where three guys ran a train.

I'm sorry. He made me coffee. I thought you were going to say come. Yeah, I know. Still no come. No come. We'll get there. No cream.

All right, Ali. Very fun. You did it again. Another minute. I love. Alright, Ali. Very fun. You did it again. Another minute. I love that premise, though. Move it up and the old trim the fat. We can never trim quite enough. You guys ready to go back to the bucket

again? Meet a motherfucking stranger? Jesus. I can just tell Ryan J. E. Belt is on another level tonight. I can see fucking detail from here. While all you lazy asses sit there doing nothing, he's drawing his heart out. He's like bleeding into it. This looks like a cool name. I don't know whether this person's been on before or not, but the name excites me.

Hopefully they're here. Put your hands together for Fanto. Thank you, guys. Thank you. My name is Fanto. It's short for Fanto Cini, which is Italian for Fantochini. I'm Sicilian, Armenian, Ukrainian, which means I know everything about money laundering.

But nothing about actual laundry, because my mom does it for me. She's also a criminal, that bitch. Every time I go to a stranger's house and they tell me to make myself at home, I tell them to leave because I don't like

having people over at my fucking place. You guys are a good crowd. You guys are a really good crowd I usually like performing for gay crowds because it's harder for them to keep a straight face is that it? I got at least like 13 more minutes except I hate performing for fucking lesbians

banto ladies and gentlemen banto Except I hate performing for fucking lesbians Fanto, ladies and gentlemen Fanto Thank you, thank you I'm high as shit You are? Yeah How long have you been doing stand-up, Fanto? Gay-ass Facebook said eight years yesterday

Gay-ass Facebook Oh, I use that Where? Are you also on gay-ass Instagram? I am. I am. No, it's called queer-ass Instagram. Queer-ass for the straight gas. I love hearing, every once in a while,

just complete silence after a... We're gonna let that joke air, right? I'm so glad, man. I was about to walk out, but I'm like, fuck, I'm so glad I had to take it. Hey, what did I not miss? Nothing. I was about to walk out But I'm like Fuck I'm so glad I had to tell you Hey uh What did I not miss? Nothing I was a little funny So Fanto

Uh What's your story? How long have you been On stand up? Uh Seven Seven years Seven years

Where you from? I was born in the Former Soviet Union Oh shit son Italy I was in Ukraine We came to LA When I was four

I was raised in North Hollywood In Panorama City Had a fucked up childhood Growing up Is this the beginning of Goodfellas? Something like that We put his head in the fucking oven

How was your childhood fucked up? You got out of Russia Ukraine That's even worse I mean I know North Hollywood is fucked up But it's not Ukraine fucked up. You got out of Russia. Ukraine. That's even worse. I mean, I know North Hollywood is fucked up, but it's not Ukraine fucked up. From Ukraine to little Armenia.

That's East Hollywood. Was it insane in the Ukraine? Insane in the brain? It was. I don't remember it, but I hear some awful stories. Like what? So my grandpa was a minister of Ukraine, and we told him when I was a kid. What do you mean a minister? Like a priest? So he was involved in the Bay of Pigs. Like, you know, the Cuban Missile Crisis?

Anyway, they wanted to kill him, so we booked it and went to North Hollywood. Ooh, speaking of Bay of Pigs, here comes Jeremiah back. Wow, you're getting a little bit drunk over there, huh? He's not looking at the ground anymore. Take him to the strip club now. Yeah. You act right in the strip club now.

Bob's classy lady. Oh my God. Fuck. You act right in a strip club now. Bob's classy lady. Oh, my God. Fuck. Sometimes it's so hard to host this show. How many times do you go up every week? At least eight to ten times. When I do this, as much as I can. How many times do you go down every week?

At least eight to ten times, as much as I can. What do you do? I'm a lift driver and I also like a substitute teacher. You're an Italian? You take photographs too. Of high school kids.

They were like, do you even lift? You're like, yeah. That's funny. You're not an Uber driver? That too, but like they don't pay. They don't tip. Really? Yeah, fuck them.

No, they do tips now. Yeah, but people who take Ubers... They don't tip you, Fanto. What's your story? What do you got, the Pine Tree air freshener or something? What's special about your car? If you picked us up, what would we be excited about? You have candy or anything?

Toblerones or something like that? Little bottles of water. Caviar. Cav water? Caviar. Caviar. We can drink before I drive. Vodka. And smoke weed. But it's nothing exciting. I hate fucking people, man. When you drive them around, I fucking hate them.

This is why you don't get no tips. This goddamn attitude right here. I should not tell them. Fuck them. I hope they get AIDS, every one of you. Jesus Christ. We'll have a dozen tips. I didn't realize the Ukraine was in the middle of New Jersey.

You have a filthy mouth on you, sir. My mom's Italian. I said that in bed. I said that in bed. My mom's Italian, too, but I don't sound like that at all. My mom's Italian, too, but I don't sound like that at all. Hey, the fucking gays and the gay-ass Facebook told me that the fucking Spics were fucking... Maroon. Fucking Wolverine over here.

Your mom's not Italian. Your mom's racist. The Wolverine. I used to live in Brooklyn for like nine years. Well, that's what the fuck that is, Fanto. Sorry if I forgot. Well, you apologize, too. Yeah.

The people that don't remember you lived in Brooklyn? Yeah. What's a day in the life of Fanto like? I mean, you drive Lyft. Tell us something interesting about you. Any special hobbies? Yeah, so I was born New Year's Day. I had a twin sister. She died.

Oh, shit, son. She died. You woke up and there was just a horse's head in her crib? Fanto. She died before she was born? Did she sleep with the fishes? That was Fanto's first murder. We whacked her.

They killed her when she was three because she's a... Old money. She didn't tip. Who killed her? Her godfather? Her godfather? It was right before kindergarten photos. Yeah.

Did your kid sister die and did that affect you? You know, I didn't know she died until my mom told me when I was like nine, ten. Yeah Did your kid sister die and did that affect you? You know I didn't know she died Until my mom told me when I was like 9, 10 So you don't remember her? No we were like 2 Oh shit son And I'm the only person in my father's side of the family To not go to prison

Don't worry it's coming You better hope they never find out That you killed your 2-year-old twin sister How did she die? We had like a central nervous system problem My mom had Sensual nervous system Yeah, we had like some

When you say we, you and her I didn't realize that was one of our sponsors Central nervous system Right now, with the backslash kill You can get 20% off A brand new central nervous system. Right now, with the backslash kill, you can get 20% off. A brand new central nervous system. Use hashtag sensual. Use my lift ticket.

By the way, I'm such a fucking big fan of 2U's. Thank you, brother. This is an honor. Thank you, man. I'm still going to talk shit to you, though. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Listen, I appreciate it for real. All Absolutely. Listen, you just do it.

Let's do it all day. I appreciate it for real. All day. Oh, boy, Fanto. You in love? You got a girl? No, no. Fuck that bitch. She left.

Ah. Jeez. She was in, like, the comedy industry. She worked with, like, Eric Andre and shit. Fuck him, too. I don't know him personally, but I loved her. She left. Oh.

So, yeah. Did she leave with Eric? No, no, no. She was like She went to go for an adult's work? No, she lied about being raped and shit. To who? To me.

She said somebody raped her to you? Something. It was like some shit. Did you have sex with her afterwards? After she told me when she was raped? Hell yeah. You think you're a fuck, huh? You're a crane, bitch. I was emotionally hurt and that's when I can come the best.

Fanto, why do you think she lied to you? I'm all over the place. Fanto, over here. Focus, Fanto. Mainly right here. Just lied to you? I'm all over the place. Fanto, over here, fuckhead. Focus, Fanto. Yeah, mainly right here. Just keep looking at me if it helps you. Fanto, why do you think that girl lied to you about being raped? And then I spoke to her family.

Did you just not hear the question that I asked you? Like at all. You are the most ADD motherfucker I have ever met in my life. People, like my mom's a behavioral therapist. People do that shit. Why do you think she did that to you? Rape rhymes with grape and I think Jeremiah has had too many of that.

Jeremiah is fully committed to character. Really making a point. There's no reason. It was crazy. Never talked to her after reason. It was crazy. Never talked to her after that. That's interesting. It was painful. Why do I have to talk about pain

the first time on Kill Tony? Name of the show is Kill Tony. Kill Tony. I mean, because it's an interesting interview? Yeah, I love it. So why do you think she told you that she got raped? There's a name for that shit.

There's like a disorder. I don't know why she told me. So I wouldn't rape her maybe? I don't know. It's called being a victim. But she wasn't raped. I've always believed the victim, Tony. That's all I have to say.

It's a good thing you're not dating her no more. All strippers say that. Was she a stripper? She used to be a stripper. Point. Brian Redman. All strippers say that she was a stripper.

She stripped paint. That was unbelievable. The old rape thing. What do you mean she used to be a stripper? She used to be your girlfriend. She's still a stripper. It's just called cheating, Tony. That's painful to hear right now.

Fanta. No, man. You're good. She's gone. You're straight. Get a real woman now. Have you gotten laid since you guys broke up? I get pussy all the time.

Yeah? How does that normally go down? Mostly from the drunk passengers. Is that true or was that an attempt at another joke? Wait, were you the rapist? What is going on? That's a bit of it. There he goes.

Fanto, everybody. That's it. Fanto. He's on Twitter. Want a Fanto? Jeremiah is rather drunk. Slow down, man. Why did you two guys just switch chairs like that? What the fuck was that right then?

What the fuck was that? Mexican hat dance. Did you see that? What in the world? Your arms hurt from bumping into so you switch sides so that your different elbows so that you don't get rug burn or something like that from bumping into so you switch sides so that your different elbows, so that you don't get rug burn or something like that from bumping elbows? That is some mind-boggling shit.

One of these guys robbed me before the show. You would have thought Jeremiah and I would have thought of that in the hours and hours and hours that we flew around the country together while touring. But no, about one hour of sitting next to each other and you guys just rotate chairs. I like that. Very interesting. For those of you watching VR360, rewind 70 seconds and watch those two guys switch seats because I've never really seen

anything like it before. What do you guys say we go to the bucket one more time? Comedians, what do you think? One more time? Jeremiah, you think you can handle one more comedian? Okay. Speedweed. Yeah.

All righty. Got it, homie. That's Ali Speedweed. All right, all at the same time. Speedweed. You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time? Fucking half energy crowd. Una vez más. Stop throwing Speedweed. You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time? Fucking half energy crowd. Una vez más.

Stop throwing speedweed at them. They don't have enough energy. Oh, my God. All right. I pulled another name out. Put your hands together for Kenny Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Kenny Brown. Oh, this side. this side, this side.

Oh, he's here. Put your hands together for Kenny Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. A lot of comedians talk about what they look like. I don't like to do that because you all see what I look like and I agree with you. But I decided to try it tonight. I look like Ruben Studdard if he wasn't sorry for 2004 and decided to keep eating Big Macs. Tony told me last time I look like Kenan and Kel Thompson. No. I just look like Kenan if he got fired Tony says no. I look like Bernie Mac if he didn't have the stroke

and continued to eat Big Macs. Thank you. That was some interesting shit. That was like, I don't know what the fuck that was. You look more like Don Cheeto, but Don Hot Cheetos. More like Takis. Takis is better.

Takis is good. So you said that you weren't going to talk about what you looked like And then you talked about what you looked like My favorite part was when you said that I was wrong about what I said But it got a bigger laugh than the thing that you couldn't punch up in a week Did you notice that? Yeah, I did I realized I shouldn't have tried that

But I thought I'd do Kenny, how long have you been on stand-up? About You don't respond. You just keep saying I look like jokes. Two months. The first part of the joke was funny. I agree with you. That part's funny. Thank you.

What do you do for work, Kenny? Security guard for an Asian food warehouse More like social security Wow What is that supposed to mean, Joel? Well, he's black Wow Couldn't even tell

You work security at a food market? Asian, like they sell rice and sugar and like little chicken. You carry a gun? No. Your arms are weird, bro. Yeah, quite. Yeah. Why are your arms so weird? He doesn't carry a gun.

He's got no arms. I was supposed to be... It's funny because we went full circle this episode. We started with the Scottish guy that had gigantic forearms and now we end up on these number two pencils that this guy's rocking over here. Those aren't forearms.

Those are like two arms or three arms or something like that. He's packing some tens. Tony, why is he shaped like an upside down wine bottle? Ha ha ha. Your forearms look like black dude calves. You got a lot of forearms. You got forearms.

The bicep is like half the length of what biceps should be. But your forearms is long as shit, son. Just grew up fat and was supposed to be skinny. Do you lift, bro? No, that was the last guy. Fanto is the lift driver. No, but he does have a nice

rack. You have a girlfriend? No. Have you seen his forearms? Man, your wrists look like a ring finger. That's how thin your wrists are. Put down the mic before you break your wrists, please. Those wrists are thinner than a Zinfandel.

I mean... break your wrists, please. Those wrists are thinner than a Zinfandel. It really is almost like you've never like squoze in your hand together once or anything like that. They are very, very... You look like Tracy Morgan if he stood in the projects. Or you look like Tracy Morgan if the Walmart truck was

going 30 miles an hour faster. You look like if Tracy Morgan, if the Walmart truck was going 30 miles an hour faster. You look like a paraplegic version of Tracy Morgan is what I'm saying. That's when all four limbs go bad and you're stuck with sort of like a gut, but like chicken arms and chicken legs. And probably chicken breath by the look of you. You know what I mean? See, that was me going over the line. That's the line. I know where the line is, and sometimes I like to tip my toe.

If you have two chicken arms, they look like almost real arms. But it's two chicken arms. I mean, do you ever walk by a chicken and chickens make fun of you for what your arms look like? It's hilarious. Chicken arms. Not all black guys are armed. Wow. Look at Chris the bass player.

Whoa. Oh, shit. Chrisberg. Chrisberg. Holy shit. Well, I don't like this. Wow. Skinny arms matter.

That's the first time we've ever heard him speak. Kenny, what's the most exercise that you do? Reaching. Escaping from the coop. I just got into hiking. Really? So your car broke down until you're walking everywhere?

When is forearm day? I don't... Need to add that to your workout schedule. Do you even like... It just seems like you don't even use... Because your finger muscles

could even make your forearms bigger. It seems like you never like text anybody. Do you ever text anybody or play a video game or anything like that? Or type at all or anything at all? I don't want you to see my hands.

For you podcast listeners, his forearms, remember the laddie pencil? Remember laddies? It was a thicker art pencil? Yep. He's trying to show us that. Look at his arm in VR360. Go to Facebook Live. It looks like a vacuum hose.

His hand looks like a vacuum attachment. He could get anything out of like in between the driver's seat and the middle compartment area. Oh, I dropped my phone. Can somebody grab motherfucking Kenny? It's like Samba. Is Kenny Brown here? We dropped something in between our theater seats. Your hands look like they've been soaking in pomalev.

His arms are so tiny, it looks like he could never hail a cab. Wow, Jeremiah's drunk. Cabinet, you idiots! He's wiling out right now. Jeremiah, stop. Man, it only took fucking two glasses of cranberry juice for him to get like this. Kenny, what else, man? Anything else fun about you other than the fact that you have tiny forearms?

Where you from? Long Beach. Long Beach, all right. And the dick matches the forearms. What? The dick matches your forearms? It's super tiny, too? It's black.

Why would you say that? We've been shitting on your arms the entire time and telling you how small your arms are. And in your comedy head, you said, my dick matches my forearm. The fuck is wrong with you, Kenny? I got me a garden snake. Jesus Christ. Got me a little garden snake. What he's trying to say to that joke is, meh, no.

As you can tell, if you're only listening to the podcast, Jeremiah just threw up. All right, Kenny. On my foot. Is that true, though? I mean, when you say that your dick matches your forearms. It's fine. I'm black

so it evens out the fat. I'm fat and I'm black. So fat guys usually have small dicks, but I'm black. The hell you talking about, Kenny? Before you put it in, do you say welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger? Can I take your order? There he goes, Kenny Brown, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Instagram at Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order? Salud.

There he goes, Kenny Brown, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Instagram at KennyBigBelly. That was this episode. Australia, I'm coming to you at the end of November. Austin, Texas this weekend. Sunnyvale, La Jolla, and so many other great things. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Hey, look, it's the

drawing from Ryan Shay E-Belt. Look at that fucking shit. That's unbelievable. It's the great Felipe Esparza, whose special just came out. HBO Go, HBO Now, HBO Latino, HBO Everything. It's called Translate This, and it's been how many years in the making? Five. Yeah, fucking awesome. The great Felipe Esparza.

Ian Edwards. Check out my podcast. What's a full podcast? Yeah. Anything else you guys want to promote? Now's the time. I'll be in Nashville, Tennessee at Zanies this weekend and Huntsville, Alabama. And I'll be in Atlanta, I think October 12th at the Laughing Skull.

Oh, I love that. Check it out. It's a great place. Jeremiah motherfucking Watkins is sobered up. Hello. Follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp. And I have a t-shirt that I'm giving away right now. If somebody can answer this question.

What was the name that Joe Rogan mistakenly called feminist Stacey the first episode that she was introduced to. I know the answer to this. Who said it? Who said it? Daisy, it goes to you, my friend. Yeah. Come get your Watkins saxophone T-shirt.

Wow, this is much more anticlimactic than I planned. Yeah, I would have guessed... Jeremiah, where can people get that shirt if they want to buy it? jeremiahwalkins.tv slash shop. Okie dokie. Patty Reagan, Greg's dad on Twitter and social media. What else, Pat?

Check out the musical artist Karen Dalton. Chris the bass player. Hey! Check out the musical artist Karen Dalton. Okay, Chris the bass player. Hey. Check out the Chroma Keys, Dragging the Swamp Rats, and thank you to Tom Petty for everything he did.

Indeed. Thank you, Tom Petty. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Yo, yo, these guys are two of my favorite comics. Check out fucking Trans Like This,

Soccer Comic Rant, 100% Half-Fast, fucking What's Up Fool. Check it out. What's Up Fool, check it out. What's Up Fool podcast, yes. I had so much fucking fun with you guys tonight. I almost pissed my goddamn pants up here. Thank you all, live audience, for another fun episode of Kill Tony.

Brian Redband. I'll be in Indianapolis November 8th in Columbus, Ohio November 9th. Thank you so much, everybody. Goodbye. Let me get to the point. Let's roll another joint. you so much, everybody. Goodbye. Thank you.