KILL TONY - KILL TONY #239

Episode Date: November 16, 2017

Moshe Kasher, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 11/13/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

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19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and this is Kill Tony. Go to deathsquad.tv for all the past episodes and video portions. You can also click on tour dates to get your tickets to see Kill Tony, which is every Monday at the world famous comedy store, except the next two weeks. That's right.

Tony is going to be in Australia. So the next two weeks we are not having a kill Tony. We will try to like do something to make it up. But the next two weeks we're going to have a secret show, a death squad secret show instead with a lot of the people from Kill Tony. So if you want to see like Jeremiah Watkins and Pat Reagan and Josh Martin, if you want to come out and check us out, we have a show the next two Mondays at the Comedy Store at 830. This week we have the Guys We Fucked podcast girls, Christina Hutchinson and Corrine.

And we also have a bunch of other people. You can go to Desquad.TV and click on tour dates to get tickets to that. And yeah, so next two weeks, no Kill Tony. Also, go to ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the

Death Squad universe. There's a few, only a few left. Kill Tony shirts. So if you haven't got the first shirt yet, you better get it now before it's sold out forever. Let's go to shopsquad.tv for all the info. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website,

TonyHinchcliffe.com. You can get his tour dates. Like I said, he's going to be in Australia. So next week, he's going to be in Australia. So check it out. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, Ryan J. Ebo, the house artist, draws every episode, even the Kill Tony poster. And he has a special surprise coming soon.

Go to RyanJEbelt.com. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Hello, everybody. Come on, make some noise.

Happy Monday to you. That's Josh Martins, the great and powerful Brian Redman. What is up? Life is fucking good. Comedians, how you guys doing tonight? You feeling lucky? Sons of bitches. The great and powerful Ryan J. Ebeld is here drawing tonight's episode.

Clap it up for Ryan, everybody, while you sit there being lazy. Ryan J. Ebeld's going to draw tonight's episode. All those prints are available at ryanjebelbel.com, including the official Kill Tony poster. A lot of announcements coming up very soon for Kill Tony when it comes to its national tour for 2018. So that's something to keep a lookout for. Pretty big deal. I'm also going to Australia next week.

Some tickets still available from Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, and Adelaide, the 22nd through the 28th. And you're going to be gone. we're not going to have Kill Tony for the next two weeks guys unfortunately that is correct, for the first time in exactly one year since my last Australian tour, we're going to be taking two weeks off in a row, but we're back December 6th

with an unbelievable show for you but the next two Mondays we're going to have a Death Squad show, a secret show so we're going to have comedy, you're going to see a lot of the Kill Tony people on it. Those are stand-up comedy shows. Yeah, and we'll try to make it up to you this month also. We might throw a bonus show maybe in the summer. Who knows what's possible.

How many of you are real Kill Tony fans out there? Make some noise. We've seen some amazing things in the last couple months. We had a guy fall asleep and then make his debut. We had a guy fall asleep and then make his debut. We had two... What's the best way to put it? Last week we had a fucking total eclipse of my heart.

Oh my God, it was insane. Two little ladies back to back in a row. That's what happened. Oh yeah, I have tickets that are now on sale for the last week in Philly Helium in Philadelphia I'm doing four nights there

So that's a really big deal Me and all my friends from the Store Horseman podcast My pro wrestling podcast Are all going to Philly for the Royal Rumble Oh, laugh it up Laugh it up, fuckers Anyway, so let's just jump into it I'm going to bring out tonight's guest

You know him. Since you guys all said you're Kill Tony fans, he's one of our favorite guests in the world. You know him from his show on Comedy Central, Problematic, and so many great things. He's currently on the honeymoon tour with his lovely wife, the great Natasha Leggero. Put your hands together for one of our favorites, the great and powerful Moshe Kasher. Yeah. All right, Tony. Hell yeah. We're back in the saddle again. I know. I right, Tony. Hell yeah.

We're back in the saddle again. I know. I'm feeling good. Nice little cozy setup this time. We have some space, one guest format. Getting intimate. I like this. I'm pumped.

Hell yeah. So welcome back. What's going on? Thanks. Everything good? Yeah. Can I plug something? Me and Natasha are taping a Netflix special at the end of this month in Austin, Texas, November 29th at the North Door.

And there's some tickets available to The Late Show. And also, basically, it's a three-episode special. I think it's the first of its kind. So I do stand-up. She does stand-up. And then the third act, we kind of bring couples up on stage and we kind of like do live relationship counseling. We kind of troubleshoot their relationship. So if you're out there and you're in the Texas area and you want to come be a part of our Netflix special, email austintaping at gmail.com with your spicy relationship issue.

Wow, a lot of problems in Texas, too. You're going to have a lot of emails. Oh, yeah. It's going to be very exciting. Anyway, that's it. That's awesome. We've had a lot of fun in Austin, Texas. I'm sure the listeners of this show there will go check that out.

Let's bring out the band. Every single week, the band commits to different characters. They're a little bit shorthanded tonight, so let's see what happens. Put your hands together for the Kill Tony band, the best damn band in the land. It's Pat Reagan and Joel Jimenez. Patty Reagan and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. And as they come up, hey, guys, you know, come see me in Charlotte this weekend. I got other dates, you know.

Here they come. Charlotte Comedy Show. Moshe Kasher. Wow. They're Kasher. Wow. They're reggae guys. Very cool. Holy shit. Wow.

It's clearly Jamaican guys. Something like that, right? Reggae? Jobless. Jobless. Joelberg, you look like the last guy

I'd want to be on an airplane with right now. I'm jobless. That's what I meant. Not jobless. I'm jobless. What the fuck, man?

Oh, wow. This is going to be fun. Was that your Jamaican accent? Yeah, this is my Jamaican accent. Wow. What a rhetorical question. You would think that this is one of those things to where, like, I tell them, like, the characters right before the show, like a competition or something like that.

But no, they had all week to plan this. Hey, what else is going on with the show, man? Let's do it. Exactly. That's exactly what I was thinking. You guys know how the show works. Over, I think, 50 or 60, some crazy comedians, and sometimes it's their person's first time coming on stage.

Sometimes it's an insane person. Sometimes it's one of the top rising talents. You never know what's going to happen. When I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds of stage time. If you get pulled out of the bucket, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

Isn't that adorable? That means wrap it up. That's one of the words you can really say in Jamaican, huh? Adorable? Yeah, dude. I'll spell it out, too. So, wait. Is this Jamaican or just a retarded person that you're doing right now?

If you don't wrap it up in the 60 seconds, you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Whoa, whoa. There was a sheep in there for some reason, I think. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? It's Kill Tony. Episode 200 and, I don't know, 50-something? I don't know. I lost my mouth. All right.

Some people say this is the toughest position in the show, going up first. I think it's good because you have a nice, fresh, clean slate. All the tension in the air is built. The toughest position is working on your Jamaican accent when you know you can't do one. Yeah, that is a pretty tough position. You seem like a character from Aladdin. Yeah, Aladdin me crazy.

You fucking Jamaica rasta. Aladdin me crazy. You fucking Jamaica Rasta. Aladdin me crazy. All right. I pulled your first name out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Elliot Havens. Here we go. I see movement from the middle of the backpack. Here he comes.

He's lit up. Let him through. He's got his phone on. He's going to make it. Here he is. Put your hands together for Elliot Havens, everybody. Come on. Alright.

Get this to work. How's it going, guys? Do you guys like my haircut? I was going for a young Leonardo DiCaprio, but it's starting to look more like a depressed lesbian, especially with these glasses. I was walking around and I saw a lost cat sign, which is weird, right? You don't see a lot of lost cat signs because cats are selfish fucking animals, right? Like that cat knows where it is. The sign shouldn't say lost cat.

The sign should say lonely owner. Trump has been in the news, as always. That's a good segue right there. Trump has been in the news. Trump is so controversial, he's had more Time magazine covers than the last four presidents combined. Isn't that insane? Especially because I just made it up. But it feels like he's had a lot. All right, thank you. Elliot Havens.

There you go. Hey. That was cool. It was a real reggae rap there. Elliot, I don't think you look like a depressed lesbian at all. I think you look like a very happy lesbian. That's better. I think it's cool. I like courageous comedians.

And for you to come out and do half your set with totally visual gags on a podcast, I thought that was really cool. Everybody at home will be like, you know, filling it in. I think that's really brave of you to challenge your audience like that. I thought that was cool. They also call a porn blowjob a visual gag. Elliot, don't touch the real hair. Sorry, it's real. I just need to see if it's real hair. touch the real hair.

Sorry, it's real. I just need to see if it was real hair. You're too close. Elliot, how long have you been doing stand-up? About almost three years now. Where at? I just moved here from Seattle about in the beginning of October. So you know depressed lesbians.

Yeah. Hence, yeah. What did you do for work when you were in Seattle? I worked for a sock company. We talked about this a couple weeks ago. A sock company? Yeah, it was very boring. The kind of sock that, like, you...

No, socks. Socks. Oh, a sock company. That sock company sounded so manly. A sock company would be cool. That's so cool. That would be cool. I wish I worked for a sock company.

Oh, man. He has too many fingers for that. My. That would be cool. I wish I worked for a saw company. Oh, man. He has too many fingers for that. Oh, my. It would be tough, though. The break room would just be guys taking naps all the time. It's a joke about saws making that. All right, I'll quit. I'll quit.

Yaman, does this work better? Elliot, what are you doing now that you're in L.A.? I still work for the Saw Company part-time, but I... Are you saying saw or sock? Sorry, sock. Sock. Wait, how do you pronounce... Why do you...

You're not saying the word sock 100%. The last time I heard a CK that silent, it was Louie this week. Oh, man. Wow, how does he do it? Sometimes I don't even know. That's just a fucking Hattori Hanzo joke. I heard he was one of the youngest up-and-coming comedians. I admire what you did, Tony.

That was very good. Hey, how about socks, like socks filled with cheeseburgers, man? Like a sock burger. Come on. Yeah, how about that? Anyway. What's interesting about not being able to pronounce sock is that the K is one of the most pronounced letters.

It's like, it's so, it's so K, you know what I mean? It's like, it's interesting. And like, what else is interesting about you not being able to pronounce sock is that you work for a sock company. I do advertising. But they don't spell the word company with a K, man. What sock company? It's called Stride Line.

Oh, there's... That's part of it, too. Oh, fuck. So how part-time are we talking about? How part-time are you working? Four or five hours a day. Can we see what your socks look like right now? Yeah, these are pretty

boring. They're just red. Wait, you work in the advertising department? No, I don't work in the advertising department. I got a pitch. It's not sock anymore. It's sock. You said you've been on the show before? Yeah, a couple weeks ago. What else did we find out about you last time you were on?

What's the good dirt on you? Nothing. We just talked about my sweater. I heard people with red socks fornicate with cereal. Who's that? What was that voice all of a sudden? Yeah, what happened to Bob Marley? What are you talking about, man?

Rewind the tape. All right. Elliot, what year did you graduate from Hogwarts? 2014. Is that when you really graduated from college? No, high school. Oh, high school. Wow, how old are you?

I'm 21. I'm about to beat your ass, dude. I'm about to physically beat you up. I'm going to beat you up physically. You're really 21? Yeah. Wow. What are some things that you haven't done yet that you're looking forward to doing?

You ever shaved an ice cream? What did he say? I think he asked you if you've ever shaved an ice cream. I have not shaved an ice cream. How do you pronounce sock? You ever put on butter all over? I just didn't get that one. He said, did you ever put on butter all over?

No, no. No, he hasn't. Sorry. Sorry, what was your question? The question was this. It was, what are some things that you haven't done in life that you're looking forward to doing? You're 21 years old. Maybe try eating shit, man.

Maybe that's more up your alley, like shit alley. This guy, can someone get the guitarist some weed? He's very tense right now. There you go. How are you guys blowing smoke out of that? What is that thing? It's just, Joel Berg, what were you going to say? There you go.

Nothing from Joel Berg, a.k.a. Osama bin Laden tonight. Oh, that's really good. Elliot. Yes, yes. So what are some things? Come on. I'd probably like to travel more. Oh, that's so fun, man.

I'd like to go to Jamaica, I guess. I really want to go to New York. I haven't been to New York. I've been there once, but it was only for like a couple days. Worst first date ever. Where do you want to go? New York. Oh, it's pronounced New-Yore.

Oh, New-Yore. Where have you been, Elliot? I've been... You've been around the block? Have you? Have you been around the block? Yeah, I've been around the block. Where have I been? That's a pretty open-ended...

Not really. It's so not open-ended at all. All the places I've been? Yeah. All of them? Yes, every place. I just picked some cool ones out. Did you go to Canada once, maybe?

No, I haven't been to Canada. Maybe if I ask it like this. Where are you going? Wait, you've never been to Canada? I've been to Vancouver, but it doesn't really count because I'm from Seattle. It's a city in Canada. What the fuck? Not for me.

Elliot, you said that you might not want to name all the places. Start naming some places that you've been. By the way, I don't think I've ever asked this question, the history of Kill Tony, but it's fun that I've hit a deadlock with you on it because it's a very easy question to answer

Well, Tony, even though you've never asked it it wouldn't have been one that I would have guessed would have stumped a guest Right, exactly Where have I been? Who the fuck are you, dude? Where the fuck have you been? You're like, Australia, Ohio

No, that's not the point, though. No, it is. Definitely, that's the point of that. No, man. I've been to, like, Portland, San Francisco on the West Coast. On the East Coast, I've been to Boston and Philadelphia. One time I went to France because my sister was there. What was your sister doing in France?

She was studying abroad. Which broad? Back to the depressed lesbian, right? How recent was this trip to France? About three years ago. Now that we're rounding out to the end of the list of places you've been, it feels like much less of an open-ended question after all. All of the places I've been?

Philadelphia, Boston, France, San Francisco, Portland. I've been to Mars, man! Alright. Elliot, what's the most exciting thing that's happened to you since you moved to Los Angeles? I saw, right by my sock. Wait, what about your sock? God damn it.

I can't wait to hear what happened with this crazy sock. That must be what he's talking about because that's how he says it. Okay, anyway. Oh, you're getting an attitude now? No. Bum-a-clot attitude.

Anyway, Tony. You have better segues for this part of the show than you had during your act. Donald Trump's in the news. Hello? Anyway, Tony. As I was saying, I sock this motherfucker in the streets of Hollywood. Hey, do you ever just put a sock in it? I love how sometimes he doesn't have a reggae accent at all.

Yeah, sometimes I got like a Jersey accent, like Edward G. Robinson. Wow. Alright. You guys don't like Edward G. Robinson? That doesn't sound like Edward G. Robinson. Hey, I'm Edward G. Robinson. It's me. One and only.

Most exciting thing that's happened to you since you've moved to Los Angeles. Oh, maybe sucking my own dick. Oh my god. Wait, dick. Oh, my God. Wait, he was about to see something. Yep. There was, like, by my house, Paramount was filming a movie. Yeah, Edward G. Robinson made movies for Paramount.

And it was on episode 262 that Tony decided never to have a band again. I mean, I don't know what's going on. I don't know what episode this is, but. Now I feel like oh shit most exciting thing that's happened to you since moving to LA okay like I said they were filming a movie

Edward G. Robinson it's in like a shitty area so there were a bunch of homeless people and they were like like trying to clean out the area and like all their stuff and i just saw yeah keep going elliot i just saw these these two like like people working on the film dressed in black just like carrying a body just like right past my apartment wow that is pretty and i couldn't i couldn't tell if it was like someone dead or napping but I think it was somebody underneath

oh my god it was somebody underneath a blanket yeah it was like wrapped in like this big fleece but you don't know if it was a prop or no it was like from the area where all the homeless people were so I thought it was a person

sorry man that's pretty disturbing. All right. Tony, why don't you have two guests on the panel? What? I said, why don't you have two guests on the panel?

Oh, yeah, because there's a lot of room for people to get words in edgewise, man. I don't understand. But, like, why don't you have two guests on the panel? It's less awkward that way. Oh, it's not awkward at all.

Okay. Serious question, but, you know, whatever. That sounded like Brooklyn. Brooklyn accent right there. All right. Okie dokie. Elliot, so that's the most exciting thing is you may or may not have seen a body? Yeah, I thought that was kind of exciting.

I mean, I wasn't excited, but it was something. Did you take a photo of it or anything? I didn't. I didn't. I guess I should have, maybe. I don't know if I want a photo of that. You get laid a lot, Elliot? You get a lot of pussy?

I wouldn't say a lot, no. No. Not knowing you, I wouldn't have said it either. Are you on dating sites and stuff? No, I've never done that. No Tinder, no nothing? No. Where do you meet people?

Just like, I don't know. A handout sucks at the promenade. Last date you went on What was that like? I haven't been on a date for a while Because I had a girlfriend But I broke up with her right before I came here Oh she lived in Vancouver not Canada right?

No she So you haven't been on a date since being in LA? Yeah You're attractive Thank you I think you might be going on a date tonight. You know what? I'll fuck you. Fuck yeah.

This is awesome. You guys would be totally the most, you put the bi in, bifocal. What's her name again? Elliot. I'd just be like, oh, Elliot, fummy, fummy. Elliot Havens, ladies and gentlemen.

There he goes. We're going to keep moving on. On to the next one. Fuck yeah, I think he just touched me. I think Elliot just touched my back. He grazed my back. E-T-phone. He grazed my back.

Steven Garcia. Let's keep moving along here. I don't see any movement. Not seeing movement. Is that Steven Garcia? Yes, here he comes. Okay, it's Steven Garcia. Holy shit.

From the audience side, that's usually always more interesting. Come on, Stephen Garcia, everybody. I didn't think this was going to happen, so fuck it. I'll just tell you guys a story. So, like, a few years ago, we went on a camping trip, me and my buddies. You know, normal camping trip, drinking, smoking a little weed. You know, we bought, like, camping trip, me and my buddies. You know, normal camping trip, drinking, smoking a little weed. You know, we bought like camping trip foods.

Family snack pack. 32 pack. So like halfway through the first night we were there, I like ate half of that snack pack of chips by myself, you know? Go to sleep. Wake up with like this gut-curdling pain in my stomach. Just fuck.

I gotta go take a shit. So I'm just ruffling through my duffel bag, looking for my toilet paper, fucking finally find it, go outside to take a shit, and I see the bathroom's really far away. I know I'm not gonna make it, so I just fucking pop a squat, you know?

Take my shit. Just right there next to the car. So, wake up the next morning and everybody's like, just semi-circle around right where I took a shit, but I didn't think anything about it. And then I look and my friend's like cradling her dog. Not only do I want you

to continue this story, I want you to make it as long as you can. Go. Fuck yeah, alright. So, my friend's cradling her dog and I look at my friend's like, what's going on? One of my friends is squatting down over my shit. He's about to pull out that Men in Black tool to test the soil, like what's going on? So he's like, dude, we got to go.

It's the first day we're there. So he's like, dude, we got to go. My dog took this shit, and it's definitely sick. And I can't help but just die laughing. So I start laughing for like two minutes. Like, what's so funny? This is my dog's life. And I'm just like, yo, that's my shit.

That's my story. Okie dokie. Steven, go ahead. Took a no-wipe sheet. I love it. A no-wipe sheet. I'm sure you answered in the microphone, Stephen. Is this your first time on the show?

It is. Yeah. What made you sign up tonight? I told my sister if she brought me over here, I'd sign up. What part of the Inland Empire are you from? I'm from Canyon Country, so that's not the Inland Empire. Oh, that part. All right.

Moving on. What kind of dog is it? It's a mutt. I don't really know. Why is all stand-up about taking shits and dicks? Like, cultures, you know what you get when you combine? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't get stand-up, man. I don't get it. Oh, wow. Okay. This is one of those days, I guess. Steven? That was funny earlier when you asked a question about why it was awkward You were good

You were really good You were really likable, you were really funny And you told an engaging story And dude, you were really good on stage So I like you a lot Thanks, Tony Absolutely, I agree So is stand-up something you've always wanted to do?

How old are you? I'm 23 What do you do? I just are you? I'm 23. What do you do? I just have a shitty job at an amusement park. An amusement park? Doesn't sound like a shitty job to me at all, sir. It sounds badass.

Oh, by which he meant he's constantly taking shits everywhere he goes, so every job is shitty. Job day John over here. What amusement park do you work at? I'd rather not say the name. What do you do at it? I mean, there's like four of them, so we could probably get to the bottom. You can narrow it down yourself. It's Magic Mountain.

Okay, we got it. Is it Magic Mountain? Fuck yeah, that's what comes out of his ass on camera. You know what's interesting about that story, too, is that the shit you took was so horrifying that your friends thought a dog was dying. Yeah. And the story is you laughing and not you going, oh, my God, I'm faced with my own mortality.

I'm about to die. Immediately after, the question was, do you need to go to the hospital? So, yeah, you work at an amusement park. You're 23. What made you ask You don't drive? No I drive I was just like fuck it if we go I'll put my name in the bucket And your sister's like fuck yeah I want to watch you bomb

Exactly yeah Where's your sister? Which one's your sister? One of those We should make her go up and do a minute Yeah Can you tell a story? What's her name? Marissa.

Marissa. Marissa? Marissa. All right. Marissa, let's have some fucking fun. You have to tell a story. Put your hands together for Marissa Garcia. Joel.

Joel, go get her. I'm sending Joel Berg out on this mission. Joel Berg. Joel Berg Joel Berg Joel is so good at it everybody falls no matter how hard they say no they can't turn down Joel Berg

making your stand up comedy debut on the grandest stage in all of stand up put your hands together for Marissa Garcia I have no stories to tell you wait Vanessa Garcia. I have no stories to tell you. Right into that. Wait.

Yeah, there you go. I have no stories to tell you. You don't have a crazy story? He's a funny brother. Tell us something embarrassing about him. I could show you his ass. What? She just said I could show you his ass.

Wow. Not only do you drive him could show you his ass. Wow. Not only do you drive him, you pull his pants down for him too, huh? And have like an iPhone full of ass pics from him. That came out really wrong. It did come out really wrong.

We heard that story, but what about you? I was like, you have to put your name up because Tony hates fat people. Whoa. Is that true? That's what you told me.

Why? You listen to the show? Yeah, 100%. Why do you think I hate fat people? I don't know. I feel like you guys just take extra time to roast on big people. Well, maybe it's because you guys are the most fun to roast. Thank you. When I get you to laugh at the shit, your tits bounce up and down and everybody

finds it to be super likable. Even your sister agrees completely. Tony. All right. Tony. Yeah. I mean, we don't take shots at fat people unless they're insulin shots. Hey.

So you can show us his ass. Was it a long drive down here today from the canyon country with Stephen? Was he farting in the car or anything crazy? You guys fart in front of each other? He like jumped on my car to check the heat. Right into the very end of the microphone.

There you go. Right into the very end of it. Like what I'm doing. He was checking my car to see if the shocks were working. Really? Wait, was that a joke?

No, I swear to God. Do you guys have a bumper sticker on your car that says, Jesus is my co-pilot? I don't know. Tony, be careful. I have a bumper sticker on your car that says, Jesus is my co-pilot? I don't know. Tony, be careful. I have a feeling these are my people.

Are you guys Mexican? There you go, Tony. Tread lightly. It's mi gente. Lo siento, all right? Just tread lightly. I'll tread lightly like their parents did on their swim here that is so good I'll let it go alright

Marissa do you think your brother you think your brother gets laid a lot does he get laid a lot no if you had any advice to him on how to up his game, I think that's a good sisterly thing to do,

what would you tell him? Maybe don't shit in front of all your friends or something like that. No, that's uncontrollable with him. He shits any time of the day. Wait, do you have more than one shitting in public store? No. Oh, man, you're literally sweating right now like you're shitting currently. You really are.

You just got very, very sweaty. You are wet. I'm drunk, you know. There's lights up here. I thought we established already that I'm fat, you know. So it happens. It's a big guy thing.

Have you guys ever kissed before? Ew. Oh. Ew. Brian, no. Stop acting. Guys, that's not funny and that's fucking disgusting, Red Band. Honestly, that's not funny, and that's fucking disgusting, Red Band. Honestly, that's gross.

Have you guys ever fucked, though, before? You're going to kiss your sister? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm sorry. It's like kissing a prostitute. You don't kiss your sister. Right. No, have you fucked, though, before?

Did you play doctor together? Stick a pencil in his butt and smell it Alright, alright, alright Okay, we woke the demon over here Hey, do you guys ever go on any family Do you guys ever go on any family trips? Yeah, for real Marissa, how long is the drive from where you guys came from today?

45 minutes 45 minutes. 45 minutes. Anything interesting happen on the car ride? No, he just shit like four times. So pretty regular situation. I got a question. What kind of music did you listen to on the drive down?

Yeah. Brian Redband. I honestly don't even know Spanish. Neither of us do. So that's the best part about it. Really? You can't even speak Spanish? No. Like, try to speak some right now.

No, I can't. If you had to. Literally, somebody will kill me because it's so bad. Joel, say something to him in Spanish. Hola, ¿cómo estás? Bien, bien, ¿y tú? Sí, tú sabes, tú lo hablas un poquito. Yo lo entiendo más que lo hablo, pero mi vocabulario no está muy bien. We're going to build a wall and let you shit over it, man

Yeah Talk about humpty dumpty, you know what I mean? That's a wall and a shit joke all at once Very good, very good I've been waiting 33 years to tell that joke We need to build a wall Alright and a shit joke all at once. Very good, very good. I've been waiting 33 years to tell that joke. We need to build a wall. All right.

Minnow on dot. All right, well, it was fun meeting you guys. There they are, Marissa and Stephen Garcia. Thank you, guys. I love it. They went their separate ways. They're going back to the same table, I'm pretty sure, but that was very majestic. They have going back to the same table, I'm pretty sure, but that was very majestic. They have to go in opposite directions in case La Migra

shows up. I hate that joke. I mean, it's true, though. Alright. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there? As you've seen, anything can happen. Put your hands together for Kyrie Johnson. Kyrie?

Here we go. One more time for Kyrie Johnson, everybody. Goddamn. Hey, how y'all doing? Ooh, it feels good to be here. I'm happy I got picked. So my name is Kyrie.

That's like Kyrie Irving, the basketball player with millions of dollars, lots of muscles. I have none of those things. But my name is Kyrie, just like him. I'm happy as fuck to be up here with you all today. It's a beautiful show. I actually just recently moved to L.A., and everybody's here frequently in shape and healthy as fuck, and so I wanted to get in shape.

My son didn't come until I was running full force down the stairs to get to work. I hear this sound. It's like, click, click, click, click. I'm like, what the fuck is this sound? I'm running, sound. It's like, click, click, click, click. I'm like, what the fuck is this sound? I'm running, and I'm running, and click, click, click. And I wasn't, I was at the bottom of the staircase that I realized that was my titties clapping. And I realized that this health shit is real.

Sometimes you realize a little too late. But, I mean, it's not my fault, right? I'm dodging a lot of shit that can kill me. I don't know if you've been, like, under a rock on some Patrick shit, but black people are dying in this country. So, like, I don't know who's gonna kill me. I don't know if it'll be, like,

police, crack, but as a person looking for success, it could be a Kardashian, so fuck it. Thank you. I was praying for that punchline to come in before the Baron. Me too.

I was also praying that the punchline wouldn't be Kardashian. Kyrie, you are one of the most adorable, likable people I think that's ever been on the show. Look at you. I know. Aren't you just the sweetest little thing? I swear to God, I thought you were going to bring up the majesty of Christ at some point.

You seem so much like a pastor. It's incredible. You look like three of my favorite characters from Orange is the New Black. I'm not going to tell you which one. That's a good one. Hey, me and Joel are going to go remake Cool Runnings in my apartment. You want to come play a role?

Yeah. Nothing like that. I'm down for that. I am down for that. That shit looks flammable. Kyrie, how long have you been doing stand-up? About two years. Two years?

All here in Los Angeles? No, I'm actually from Chicago. How long have you been doing get-up stand-up? Get-up? I don't know. Jeez. It's like y'all looked that shit up. That was mad corny, B.

That was good, though. Yeah, that shit sucked a little. So you started in Chicago and you moved here within the first two years? Yeah. That's so ambitious. Yeah, you know, fuck it. Trump's in office, we might all die. Shoot the fucking jumper, right?

That's what made you want to come out here? No, I was having a lot of good success. I do motivational speaking. I told you, motherfuckers. He is a pastor. You do? What are you motivating people to do? I know it's not work out.

How did you know? It's like you have eyes. Do you want to be an unsuccessful open miker in Hollywood, California? Come the Kyrie way. Holy shit. That shit can't be. Yes, yes, yes. Oh,

the Kyrie. Give us some, first of all, I love both of that. Can you give us some, a little bit of motivational speech right now? Okay, cool. Yeah, I think, no, no bullshit. I'm going to give y'all a little, like, so this is something I tell old people, because y'all are old as fuck. But, like, over the course of your life, you've seen people at their highs, their lows.

A lot of times the dude that's, like, fucking on a yacht right now with models was, like, eating boogers in high school. And so sometimes you get fucking down and and out but don't beat yourself up because life is a it's like it's all ups and downs just like a little heart monitor thing so yeah you you might you might be down now but you were up at one point so think think about the cool people in high school that was like with the varsity jackets getting a handjob in the bathroom. They're on crack right now. So fucking live your best life.

Live that neutral balance. Wow. I am so motivated right now. Man. Yeah. I like how you swore so much during your motivation. Okay, you bitches down and out. You stupid motherfuckers.

Having a hard fucking time getting a job, you dumb bitch. Stand the fuck up. Maybe your mom's a bitch. Maybe your dad's a fucking asshole. It sounds so specific to your life, too. You all might remember that one guy in the varsity jacket getting a handjob. Row L, seat 13 at that

rivalry game. That Friday night, it was snowing. He never lets you borrow a pencil. Kyrie, do you have something that you went through specifically that qualifies you to be a motivational speaker? A lot of the parts sounded so, so smart. He really

had me. We have our ups and downs, like a hot monitor thing. And I'm like, wait, what was the thing? You had me. We have our ups and downs. It's like a heart monitor thing. And I'm like, wait, what was the thing? You had me till the thing. It's a heart monitor. You fucking had it, dude. It's like you stuck the landing and then you just rolled around for no reason. That's like the

least comforting words from your doctor. So we're going to hook you up to the heart monitor thing and then I'll do the cardiac surgery deal or whatever. I'm going to be honest with you. If you're scared, I know you're scared about this surgery thing or whatever,

so I've got this dude that's going to come in and help you and face your fears. What's up, bitch? You fucking bad-hearted cardiac arrest-having ass bitch. I'm going to get back to Moshe's question. How do you do this? Who listens? What's the deal with the motivational speaking?

What do you do? Anyway, you know, I do... No. I mean, for real, does it look like I have a big ride or fuck no. I'll pop up in your grandma's basement if you let me. I'm just at that point in my career where I'm just taking what I can get. If I let you into my grandma's basement.

My grandmother is 99 years old. I want to know what you would tell her to motivate her. Give me an example of a... You know, this old shit has its ups and downs. And so I don't want you to sit and stare at your teeth all day.

Think about what you can do without your teeth. Think about the amazing hair you can get. Are you trying to get a blowjob for my grandma right now? He's good. Are you trying to get my grandma to take out her dentures, dude? You're nasty. You got 99 problems. Wait, but do you really get paid to do motivational speaking?

If the person, yeah. No, be real. I'm really curious. Is this real or not? Yeah, this is real life. Who pays you? People who want to hear me speak. Like when?

Yeah, like through an agency? No, I'm not that cool. No, it's usually word of mouth. You just run up to somebody, scream at them, take their money, and be like, I just got another gig. As awesome as that is to think that I take money for gigs,

it's not what happened. I actually get paid, surprisingly, from people who are... Oh, shit. Wait, but... Y'all no goddamn better than to play that sound. Boy, I almost left the stage. Oh, shit.

I got more. As fuck as y'all do. Come on. You're kidding. Wait, wait. Kyrie, you're not telling us how you... Okay, ask me how I get paid. Oh, shit.

Yeah. How do you get paid? Well, I'm a stand-up comedian. I've got an agent, and he'll call me. He'll give me gigs, and I'll take the gig. I'll fly out, and the club will pay me. Or sometimes give me gigs, and I'll take the gig, I'll fly out, and that's the club will pay me. Or sometimes I do colleges, and I have a television writing career as well. Now, how do you get

paid specifically? You know, when you said it, that shit was way smoother, and that is how I would like my life to go. I knew there in the way that it's an actual occupation that he said. He gave an answer to the question. Do you want to be able to talk smoother? You motherfucker will come the

Moshe way, bitch. I'll teach your motherfucking ass how. I'll take you through the whole program thing. What year did you leave the Good Burger? Ha ha! Joelberg. Joelberg. listen to the roar got it

that was a good one actually what year did you leave the Good Burger Kyrie a moment ago you said when you heard the police siren that you were going to jump off the stage my next question is I'm curious where would you jump exactly to jump off the stage. My next question is this. I'm curious, where would you jump exactly to get off the stage?

Which direction? I don't know if you've ever seen a black person react in fear, but I clear every motherfucking. I can clear. I'm not in shape, but I can fuck out. What else are you afraid of? Police, magicians, what else? One of my deep, darkest fears?

It's not dolphins. It is swimming. No, one of my deepest, darkest fears is to stink in public. To smell bad in public? To smell like ass in public, yeah. That's a wonderful fear because you can avoid it, and if you're always conscious, you'll be smelling good. Exactly. That's awesome.

Does that ever happen? You ever catch yourself in a little B.O.? Hell yeah. It's a fear to stink, but then people start doing a smell test of who it is, and then they're getting closer to me. And I know it's me, so I sweat hard and I smell worse. Have you ever pooped in public?

Like, accidentally? You mean like a kid with a diaper on? No, like as an adult. Like sharding. Wait, now sharding is different from shitting yourself, though. Yeah, that sounds like a guy that sharts once. You fucking moron. No, no. I mean, I didn't know if he had a log.

You accidentally shit a log by farting, right? That's not an accident. I don't know. That's a purposeful shit. Are you an actor? You want to be? Yeah. You got a good look.

Yeah, of course I am, man. Sometimes I act like a motivational speaker. What's your plan with acting? I don't know. People pay me to act in some shit. Yo, I know this being old thing has its ups and downs. Alright, so let's say

you just got called in to the Cleveland Cavaliers locker room. It's right before game seven. They want you to give a speech because a word of mouth. So I believe that's what you said your agency was. Word of mouth. Coach, you heard about this Kyrie guy? He's just some random dude from Chicago, but let's have him in.

Yeah, and here you go. There he is. You see LeBron over there with the towel on his head, ready to go. You know what I mean? Everybody's just got their warm-ups. Some guys are pacing around. Go ahead. Hit it. Alright, fellas. I know that you might be thinking about a lot of things from

Gabrielle Union's vagina to the type of yacht that you'll be in later on if you lose this game. But I want to let you all know that we're all winners, especially if we come and play our heart out. But more importantly, we're winners because you're all more rich than my broke ass.

And no matter if you win or lose or if it's some freaky ass draw, at least you won't be eating Top Ramen tonight. Alright. We're all winners is not something you tell a team before game seven. That's not how you get them pumped up. Well, if we're all winners, I guess

we'll let the other team win this one. A lot of, notice there's always repetitive nature them pumped up. Well, for all winners, I guess we'll let the other team win this one. Notice there's always repetitive nature of heart, of yachts. I don't know if you guys have noticed, there's a lot of yacht references. Have you

ever really given a motivational speech before? Yes. So give us an example of a place. Let's not ask you who pays you. Where have you given a motivational speech before? Yes. So give us an example of a place. Let's not ask you who pays you. Where have you done a motivational speech? Well, after I've said so many interesting things, I don't want to say, like, the fucking Taj Mahal.

Have you given a motivational speech at the Taj Mahal? Confused. I didn't quite understand what you said there. You know, damn, I ain't getting no speeches. What are you talking about, the casino? No. I know you're a grade-A bullshitter, so you're perfect for stand-up comedy.

You don't say. The guy with fake dreads and a fake accent is telling me I'm a grade-A bullshitter. Perfect for stand-up comedy. Oh, shit. That just touched my heart. Community events, peace marches. He said community events. There's nothing vaguer in the world

than a community event. Give me an example of a place. Community event. A thing that happened inside of a community. Pretty sure you're performing at a community event right now. Ooh, this shit is like a

LinkedIn. This shit harder than a job interview. Fuck. I didn't expect this live show. Alright. Kyrie, what else is before I let you go, I like talking to you. What else

is interesting about you? Do you have any special skills or hobbies or talents Before I let you go, I like talking to you. What else is interesting about you? Do you have any special skills or hobbies or talents? I feel like you could bust into gospel music at any given point. Besides, I mean, the obvious talent, which is sporting the two smallest

chains in America. That's awesome. Ooh, shit! Man, I'm throwing that fire at them. This is my Mr. T. Stardew Kid. Y'all better leave my chains alone one day these motherfuckers gonna be real and they're gonna be big and i'll come back just to take a picture with you fuckers and let y'all see it and come back um something about me um yes i am black and beautifully chocolate but i've never had nutella in my life. You've never eaten Nutella? I've never had Nutella.

I've never even tasted Nutella. That's so interesting that Tony's like, tell me the one, the most interesting thing about you. And you're like, well, I've never had Nutella, if that's what you mean. What? That is a crazy answer. I'm with Moshe on this. It was like ready to go. If anybody ever asks me, Bye mom, I'm moving to Hollywood. And in case anyone ever asks me about the most interesting thing,

don't worry, I'll say the Nutella thing. You have an answer for everything. It's pretty incredible. Thank you. I wanted to be a politician back in the day. I bet you did. So anything else? Any special skills or hobbies? Anything you like to do when you're not performing

or uh through years of poverty i've gained experience with lying to creditors and so if you need some help i got the best fucking lives in town so yeah oh yeah okay let's get an example of that hello uh i'm calling for uh kair. Yes, are you Kyrie? He not leher. It sounds like you're doing a fake voice. Is that a Jamaican accent I hear? Kyrie, what did you say? Lions and creditors?

I thought you said lions and predators for a second. I don't know. I believed you. I was like, what? All right, Kyrie. It was nice to meet you. There and predators for a second. I believed you. I was like, what? All right, Kyrie. It was nice to meet you. There he goes. Welcome, pleasure.

Kyrie Johnson. Kyrie Johnson. Wow, wow, wow. I liked him. I could see him on a Disney show. I'm serious. Yeah. Got a good look. This looks on a Disney show. I'm serious. Yeah. Got a good look.

This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Stevie T. Stevie T? That's a shame. Luckily, two names came out when I pulled names out of the bucket. Here's another one. Atlas Novak. Atlas? Atlas?

No Atlas Novak? Double black listeners. That's interesting. How about Troy Dillinger? Oh, boy. here he comes. I believe this is Troy Dillinger. Yes it is. Gentlemen. So, I joined the club this week, you guys. I sent my first dick pic.

It wasn't mine. This girl sent me a picture of her boobs, and they were, like, really nice. I was like, so I texted back. I was like, hey, those are really nice. So she sends me a picture of her snooch and I'm like, so I'm obligated, right? I got to do something. So I go, I open my computer, I open Photoshop and I Google like the biggest blackest dick I can find on a white background. And then in Photoshop I reverse it. So I fucking win. I totally win. I'm a racist, but I won.

That's, yeah. It's part of a longer bit. How long do I have here? I don't like minutes. I don't want to do a fucking... I'm from Texas, you guys. I just moved out. Oh, good.

Thanks, God. Wow. I love it. The last five seconds, you just start flailing away excuses all of a sudden. Yes. That's the big master plan. If it doesn't work,

how long is a minute? I got talked into doing this. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to get roasted. We talked you into it. Fucking Mikey McKernan. Mikey McKernan this. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to get roasted. Fucking Mikey McKernan. Mikey McKernan. Why didn't you want to do it? We all love Mikey. Because you guys can just destroy me. I mean, look at me.

I know him, so I don't feel comfortable really roasting him that hard. How do you know him? How long have you been doing comedy? For a long time, right? A dozen years. It was another touching story about the intricacies of the universe. Wait, you were doing so good for a while there. I'm commenting on this nature of his stand-up set.

It was another touching story in a line. I've sat through hundreds of these sets. It was such a lineup of brilliant thought. This guy's famous. You guys know him from Tobago. You know the commercials. So, Troy, what happened to your hand? I burned it.

How'd you burn it? Cooking like a redneck. How were you cooking like a redneck? Meth in an RV? What does that mean? I was making a chicken fried steak. That is pretty good. They call that the meth of food, right?

Chicken fried steak is interesting because it's what? It's just chicken. No, it's beef. Is it? It's beef that is fried like fried chicken. And it is... Hello? Oh, my God. We have a phone call. Look at that. It's... that is fried like fried chicken. And it is... Oh, hello? Oh my God, we have a phone call.

Look at that. It's, uh, hello? Hello there? Oh, hello, yes. Is this Tony Hinchcliffe I'm speaking to? Yes, it is. This is your new father-in-law from Australia. Oh, hello.

How are you, new father-in-law from Australia? I'm not doing well, Tony Hinchcliffe. You married my daughter without my permission. This is really... I don't think anybody really knows the storyline that's happening right now, but I got married this week, ladies and gentlemen, yes. That's right.

No, don't do that. What are you doing? Moshe, stop it. The Trivago guy just shook Tony's hand with his bloody hand. Son of a bitch. He deserves it. So this is not Jeremiah Watkins calling from New York City.

This is clearly my new Australian father-in-law. Anything else? Listen, I thought you would have already told the audience. Otherwise, I would have changed some other stuff around. But that's all right. I'm a day ahead of you in Australia. What? I'm a day ahead of you in Australia.

I can tell the future. What? I guess I don't... What did he say? He's a day ahead of you so he can tell the future Oh yes what's going to happen? Anything interesting? There's my Aussie Patty Reagan

He's right over there I think you guys are doing different characters from each other this week He appears to be Jamaican not Australian Wow you're really breaking out of the wall here That's why you're here breaking down the wall here. That's what I'm doing. Hey, Jeremiah. Hey, Jeremiah. Hey, mate.

Hey, good day, mate. Good day. Listen, where's that Tony Golden Pony Hinchcliffe? I want a piece of him right now. It's me. Hello. Yes, Jeremiah. I mean, my new Australian wife's dad.

Listen, my daughter said she's marrying one of the top young rising comedians in the world. And I've never heard of you over here in Australia. Really pinches my buttercups. Well, thank you very much, and I'm excited to be part of the family. Now listen, is that guy Raw Dog Kesher there? Keep him away from my daughter. Raw Dog Kesher? Wow, you're known for something else in Australia.

Yeah, me. It's weird, but your wife's father and I have a lot of inside jokes, actually. It's kind of bizarre. In another turn, you didn't see coming. Sometimes the episodes are more for the deep cut listeners who aren't actually in the audience. So think about that. You're absolutely right. I don't know how you know that.

Yeah, I'm a day ahead. I can tell the future. There he is, ladies and gentlemen. Jeremiah Watkins. Calling in from Australia or New York City or wherever he is doing stand-up on the spot working with the goddamn Comedy Jam. Anything else fun, Jeremiah?

No, just go see The Wave headline La Jolla on November 30th. That's right. The Wave is headlining La Jolla. For all of our San Diego listeners, that's at the end of November. Jeff Ross is special on Thursday on Comedy Central. Jeff Ross roasts the border. Jeff Ross does roast the Mexican border this Thursday on Comedy Central.

We support that as well. Another very good endorsement. All right. Anything else, Jeremiah? Nope. Hopefully we can play some football or something whenever you come over to my side of the country. Yes, that's what we do there. Very good.

There he goes. Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Fuck yeah. All right, back to the former host of Dateline. Oh, no. Well, that's fun, Troy. You've been doing stand-up 12 years. Yes.

Anything fun on your resume? I feel like you've opened up for Seinfeld or something like that before. No, I created Adult Swim Presents. That's badass. Adult Swim Presents. Oh, wow. Not really. They stole it.

Oh. There you go. I'm one of the line of people. Good artists borrow, great artists steal. That's right. All right. Troy, are you married? I'm just, yeah. No, I'm right. Alright. Troy, are you married? I'm just, yeah.

No, I'm not. I've never been married. Huh. Kind of reminds me of Brian Callan a little. Oh, I can see that. Or Henry Rollins. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I'm like easy going Henry Rollins. You're the second guy tonight to say Brian Callan. Yeah, I can sort of see it.

You do have a Callen vibe, too. Have you guys ever met? No, actually we haven't. You should sneak into his house while he's sleeping and wake him up real quick and be like, I'm your future! Troy, how old are you? 50. And you started 12

years ago, so you started at 38. You don't look a day over 10. You know what that bell means. Not long left, Troy. You're at 50. Yeah. Counting down the days. So you started at 38.

What were you doing before that? I was a musician. Toured all over the world for 25-ish years. Wow. What was the band that you played with? Several bands. I played with a guy named Bob the band that you played with? Several bands. I played with a guy named Bob Schneider. I played under my own name.

Played with a lot of bands over the years. I love Bob Schneider as Deuce Bigelow. Stupid. So stupid. He was really good. Skakel. He took care of Skakel for a while. Yeah.

So you're 50. What do you got going on in life? Would you drive a convertible or something? Yeah. A yellow convertible? I moved out here in January. From where? From Austin, Texas.

Oh, cool. Yeah. Love that. So you did mostly 12 years in Austin. Yes. Yeah. I was hosting a TV show and it came out of the Adult Swim Presents thing.

I kind of transitioned out of music and started producing television and shit like that. What was that noise? I moved the microphone. No, I'm incontinent now. I'm 50 and I shit myself all day. Have you met Kyrie? He might help

you with that. Or the other guy. I bet Kyrie loves chicken fried steak. Okay. That's not even a racial joke. It's just a fact. It's just how he's shaped, not his skin tone. Okay.

If you guys just laugh like that, then I guess it's racist. Troy, what's the most racist thing you've ever said or done? I'm from Texas, so gosh. When I was a teenager, I lived outside Austin for one year, and my best friend's father was the grand dragon of the local clan.

Whoa. Okay, okay. Wow. How did that affect your life? What did you do? It made me really fucking kind of woke. Woke with three Ks? Not woke enough to not use the word woke. Hashtag woke.

I'm 50. I could be as wrong as I... I liked it. I thought it was cool to bust out a woke reference at age 50. I could be as wrong as I... I liked it. I thought it was cool to bust out a woke reference at age 50. I thought that was a nice... You stuck it, Troy. I'm really trying to be on your team here, man. Hey, did you guys hear? I said

woke with three Ks. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. Got it. Troy, what's something else that you're proud of in your 50 years of life that you've accomplished? Anything? Any fun facts about you? You ever eat Nutella?

No. I've eaten enough Nutella for the last two guests. I mean, I don't know what's going on. I love Nutella. Have you really never eaten Nutella? I've really never eaten Nutella. We got a friend for you and an activity. Let's go eat.

Hazelnuts. Let's go eat. You know what I love? You ever try to do a Nutella joke on Nutella? They changed the color. Everyone's talking about it. Is that true? Tony, I like this guy.

He has the quintessential skull tattoo on the bicep. Look at that. That's like... 80s. I love it. I love his look. It's only been one week and he already stole Louis C.K.'s entire outfit. It's amazing.

Including all the way down to the hand bandage from masturbating so much. Oh, sorry. Is it okay if I jack off? Do you guys mind? Wow. That's an interesting offer. I feel like you really mean it, Troy. Never been married? You go on a lot of dates?

What's your deal? I was a musician for a long time. He slays, dude. Yeah, your dick fell off. He has all the herpes. So, yeah, I think you know I'm HIV positive. You know who Bob Schneider is. You know how much I fuck.

You know that they called him Bob the AIDS Master Schneider. AIDS Master! Unfortunately, Bob Schneider, he wouldn't take the AIDS vaccine. That's a Rob Schneider joke. He doesn't like vaccines, you guys. Master! AIDS master! All right, Troy.

I don't know why you didn't want to do it. You're a fun character. It was nice to meet you. It was like it could have gone either way. You could have been cool to me. You could have just totally destroyed me. Don't get me wrong. The set was fucking dog shit.

But this interview part, it was amazing. I haven't choked that hard in a while. Oh, I don't know about that, Troy. Oh, Troy! It's true. Choke on pussy. He's like, I haven't choked that hard in a while after he jerks off in front of us.

Yeah. Troy, it was nice to meet you. You as well. He's on Twitter at Troy Dillinger. Fuck Chivago. Fuck Chivago. I'm having fun. This is a fun episode.

It's fine. You guys having fun out there still? Let's keep going through it. That's a scary dude right there. I want a woman. Can we put a spell on this bucket for a woman to come out? Look at that scary guy. How many weeks has it been since you got out of prison? Hours.

Mere hours. Fucking Boston accent. All right. I believe I've definitely said this name before. Put your hands together for Michael Rigilio. Michael Rigilio. No. No Michael Rigilio. Michael Rigilio. No. No Michael Rigilio.

I don't see movement. All right. Tony, that's my boss. That's my boss at my job. He's not here, I guess. I signed him up. Is that true? Yeah, I just wanted to have some sort of leverage over my boss.

He missed his spot. What's your boss? What do you do again? I'm a waiter at a cafe He missed his spot. What's your boss? What do you do again? I'm a waiter at a cafe. And Michael Regilio's your boss? Maybe. But he signs up every week. That's a bummer. He missed out.

Alright, moving on. I guess so. Looks like we're not going to be waiting for him. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for C.J. Kelly. C.J. Kelly. C.J. Kelly. Fuck yeah. My name is C.J. Kelly, and I identify as a straight, white male.

But I also identify as a straight, white hobbit, ladies and gentlemen. I wanted to start a dating app called The Shire for short, hairy people like me. Grinders are already on top of it, guys. They say you are what you eat. I'm a bit of an asshole. Ooh. I was at an open mic the other day. There's a sketchy girl downstairs. I never saw her before.

She's asking for cigarettes, right? So I pull my friend aside. I hadn't seen her in three months. I'm like, hey, do you know this broad? And he looked at me dead in the face and he goes, CJ, that's my girlfriend. I was like, ooh. I hate to break it to you, buddy, but I'm pretty sure your girlfriend's a meth head. I used to shoot heroin. I know my, but I'm pretty sure your girlfriend's a meth head. I used to shoot heroin.

I know my people when I see them, you know? I like my track marks. I really do. They're a badge of honor that I wear, and especially they're a really good homeless person deterrent. You know what I mean? Whenever I'm smoking a cigarette, right, and a homeless person asks me for one, I go, Does it look like I got money for cigarettes? Ah!

Thank you, guys. C.J. Kelly. Wow. That was a lot of stuff there. C.J., three months in? Around. How long have you been doing stand-up? January 2014

Oh, that's not three months at all Oh, I thought you meant clean off Oxycontin I'm sorry Oxycontin is what you were on? Yeah, a little bit ago for a little bit Should have got on stage instead Right? Very true

So you've been clean and sober for three months No, I still smoke weed a lot okay cool i just want to recap something that happened so you said you said uh you said my uh you said i the asshole joke you said uh you are what you eat i guess that's why i'm an asshole and then a girl with a hat that says bow down on it said get it yeah it was amazing I noticed that as well was probably my favorite part of the entire set is that true do you eat a lot of assholes

I won't eat the booty but I will fuck around and bite the cheeks though you know what I mean you'll bite the cheeks that's lame wait you said asshole you said you are what you eat so I guess I'm an asshole wait a minute hold on you won't eat ass but you shoot heroin yeah I guess I'm an asshole. Wait a minute, hold on. You won't eat ass, but you shoot heroin? Yeah, I got standards.

You got it all mixed up. You need to go from track marks to those back marks. You know what I mean, dude? You gotta go from the fucking brown... Is it the Mr. Brownstone or the Mr. Brownhole? You gotta go from track marks to moose tracks.

You gotta go from spooning to mooning. You gotta go to shoot ass to eat heroin. You gotta go from shooting up to shitting up your mouth. Shitting into your mouth. You gotta go from that hot needle to that warm beetle. You just gotta go. Weird.

I love it. Warm beetle. It's like there's a little piece of shit Poking out And he's like Ooh the warm beetle has arrived Have you ever tried Just like put like a little tongue in And was like

That's not for me Or did you You ever get the little The little battery zap Yeah I try Yeah It's an acquired taste

It's not for me You're a heroin addict Yeah I mean I think you have an acquired taste. It's not for me. You're a heroin addict. Yeah, I mean, I think you have the acquired taste. We just watched you eat shit for 60 seconds. Oh. No, come on. Stop that. Tone bird. Tone bird.

Now, was this a heroin addict girl that you tried to eat the ass, but you're like, she doesn't wipe good? Not quite. How do you sneak in a not wipe good on every episode of this show? Because a heroin girl probably doesn't have a clean ass. Heroin girl. So CJ, how did you get off the OxyCop?

Just willpower. You know? I drank a lot And smoked a lot of weed By the way when he said just willpower The girl in the bow down shirt went Nice get it Thank you I appreciate that

There's one person in the audience CJ why do you look like Eminem After his recent return Can't answer that one Do you really think you look like a hobbit? Well, yeah. A couple weeks ago, you said I look like an old baby, and that was funny. Yeah, that's accurate.

It's true. I still agree with that. You look like an old baby. Old baby, young hobbit. I don't know how you can be both old and a baby at the same time, but you do pull it off. Thank you. What do you do for a living? I'm not doing it.

You're unemployed? No way. I was selling my prescription, but, you know, I ran out of that. You were selling your Oxy prescription? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. That's a felony. That's awesome that you're mentioning that. It's live streaming. Look at the camera.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. It's not Mom and Dad you gotta worry about. It's Jeff Sessions. So how have you been surviving, CJ? Just mooching a lot, being that guy. Have you ever overdosed? On denim. See, I was like a very conservative.

On denim. Oh, dude. He overdosed on denim. That was a good one. All right. Can I go off stage now? Motherfucking Joel Berg, baby. Yeah.

Hey, man. Hey, Joel Berg. You're not going to be waiting tables at a cafe for long, dog. No, thank you. You heard it here first. Back to you. Denim. Denim, denim, denim.

You never overdosed? No. I was pretty, like, because I was conscious about it and I didn't do it, like, that long. You know what I mean? How long did you do it for? Well, all right.

So I've been off heroin for a while. Three feet? It's been about six years. But I was in the hospital. They gave me a pain prescription. What were you in the hospital for? Pancreatitis. From drinking a lot?

From a lot of things. Eating unhealthy, just being a shitbag. From denim? Yeah, from denim. I was going to say from flashing children. Why the denim vest? You know, I don't know. I was wearing a no-effect shirt.

I thought it was going to go with it I think you look fine, man Thank you It's cool, but I'm just curious It's always been one of those things I never really got the best Especially a thin Is that going to keep you warmer? It's got a little hood

You know what it's good for? Pockets It's like having a purse I'd rather wear a purse CJ, what else have you been doing It's like having a purse. I'd rather wear a purse. CJ, what else have you been doing to fill the void of your drug addiction? Like, you know. He does drugs.

He still does drugs. No, I don't. Just pot? Just pot. What else? I don't buy coke, but if it's in my face and I'm drunk enough, I'll probably do some.

And you drink a lot. Not all the lot. Yeah. So he buys it. Not all the time. Yeah. Sometimes. Well, you can't buy it. Buy what?

Coke. I mean, I don't have money for it. Right. You know what I mean? But yeah. So when would it be in front of your face? Just around friends. I don't know.

Maybe after you go to Del Taco. Or you never know, like there might be an enthusiastic girl in a bow down hat that throws something at you. She's like, yes. Yes. That's so funny. Get it.

Get it. But you got to eat my ass. The Coke is the beetle. I probably do it. All right. You come from a good, solid family? Parents still together? No, they've been divorced like 12 years.

They're as tough as denim. Yeah. How old are you? My parents are 10 years apart. My dad's 66. My mom's 56. How old are you? Oh, I'm 28.

28. Yeah. And you don't have a job? I worked at restaurants when I first moved out here. I haven't worked since about when I was... I got fired because I was fucking blasting off and going to Buffalo Wild Wings. Just like, hey, can I take your money? What does blasting off mean?

Everybody knows if you want Oxycontin, go to your local Buffalo Wild Wings. Use the promo code KILLTONY to get half off Oxycontin. Hey, you didn't ask to blast off in front of your coworkers, did you? No, no. But my, you know, never mind. Wait, no. But my, you know, never mind. Wait, no, go ahead. Not like, you know,

when you're doing something like that, you're keeping it on the DL. But every once in a while, you meet fucking, oh, that was funny. You meet, you know, it's like a weird code. You just know each other when you see him.

Oh, you know another drug addict. Yeah, 100%. That's where I was getting at with the joke. I always get so nervous before I get up here. You know what would help with your nerves is a little bit of oxy.

Yeah. Take the edge off a little bit. Honestly, guys, that anxiety is in his genes. Booyah! Motherfucking Schoelberg has started the streak. Were you this nervous before you started doing drugs? Were you always kind of frantically,

or are you just kind of fucked in the head now? What was... I didn't hear the last part. That's a good question. Yeah, not really, kind of, I guess, you know? I was, like, prescribed Xanax and Klonopin antidepressants as a kid, but I'd throw the antidepressants out. Do you blame that for being a drug addict now? No.

It's purely choice. You know what I mean? If you're broken enough and you want to stop, you can stop. Oh, that is not the experience that I have had. If you're broken enough. Yeah. This sounds like one of Kyrie's motivational speeches. So you believe you'll never do oxys again?

I mean, I'm just worried about today. You know what I mean? Just as long as I don't do today. Look, listen you know look listen cj life has its ups and downs if you put enough heart into it you're gonna end up with a fucking yacht yep and let me tell you one more thing if you ever do fall down and you do do drugs again and you do overdose don't worry the paramedics will be there and they'll bring like a heart monitor thing and you'll be fine yeah yeah and then you're gonna grow old but when you do, don't worry about it because being old has its ups and downs.

And then, bitch. There he goes, CJ Kelly, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one. How about this? We'll get back to the bucket in a second, but on this show, we have a regular

who does not get pulled out of the bucket. Instead, every single week, she debuts a brand new minute of material for all of us. She's one of my favorite comedians to watch grow. It's the great and powerful Allie Makovsky, everyone. Here she is in the flesh. Hi. I went to this music show, like a concert, last night, and it was cool. It was weird.

I went to the bar, and there was this super flamboyant guy ordering a drink. He had a wonky eye. It has nothing to do with the story, but it's just really freaky. So he's at the bar next to me, and he tips the waiter, the bartender, a hundred dollars, and says, is this okay with you, and she's like, obviously, so she takes the money, and then I go, yeah, yeah, I can also be tipped a hundred dollars, he said, are you a lesbian, I said, no, and he goes, oh, so you like dick, I said, yeah, and then he said, I'm not gay, I just look like this, look at these nails, he shows me his sparkly nails, and I'm like, okay, where's my hundred dollars, I'm not gay. I just look like this. Look at these nails. He shows me his sparkly nails and I'm like, okay, where's my hundred dollars? I would much rather be a musician. It's so much more fun because like I do a lot of shows that are in bars and no one ever wants to see comedy in bars. It's better if you're a musician because you can at least

nod your head and feel appreciated as a musician. You know, no one can like mosh pit to comedy and be like, my pussy smells too! Fuck yeah. So fun. What was the concert that you went and saw? I went to, oh, I went to see this guy Slane. He's also in this band called

La Coca Nostra. Yeah, with Everlast. Yeah, and then all of a sudden Immortal Technique came out and was like super woke. Oh, fuck yeah. It was an interesting crowd to say the least. Ellie, that was so good. You're my Billy Idol now. Hey, I'm going to give you points for the last denim joke you made.

So you're still riding high. I'm going to stop now, Moshe. Thank you. I love you. You're still alive, man. What else did you notice crazy at the concert? Anything else interesting? No, I left early.

I was tired. But the bar show that I was doing that I'm talking about, an old lady, like super drunk, fell off of her seat after my set. And I was like, oh, my God, did I do that well? And then they were like, she does this all the time. She was like 80. Allie, what was up with the crowd at that other show? Which show?

At the slang show. What was up with the crowd? Oh, the slang show? It was mostly white and Mexican. That's not what he asked at all. That's so weird. He said the crowd. What was up with the crowd?

Oh, racially, you mean? Racially, they were white and Mexican racially. Was there an odd vibe? Was there something odd? The vibe of the crowd was like, we're ready to see music. We're white and Mexican. How are the crowds this weekend, Tony? How'd you do?

Super, super Jew-y. Yeah, they were Jews. It's a good crowd. It's a good crowd. It was in La Jolla. Yeah, they were Jews. It's a good crowd. It was in La Jolla. Well, that's fun. What else is going on in life? Not much. My mom's bum,

she wanted to come to see Moshe because she's obsessed with you. I'm obsessed with her, too. That pussy good, though. Pussy good. That pussy good. It runs in the family I know

Believe me I know She said that she bought an outfit to wear to come Oh really I love your mom Is she going to hear me say that pussy good I take it back That pussy not good I mean

I like your mom She's cool I mean, I mean... Right? I like your mom. She's cool. You have a job now, right? Yeah, I work PAing on the Jim Jefferies show. How's Jim Jefferies show going? It's fun. I want to do more than PAing, but it's cool.

I appreciate doing it. It's a great place to start. You're making working relationships that are going to last a long time. Yeah. Get in at a production company, and you'll meet a lot of people. Yeah. Yeah. In jeans. All right. So how's the haircut going?

Haircut's great. Getting even more comparisons every day. Have you noticed that it's evolved into more of a... Draco Malfoy right now. You're like Comparison Ford. Comparison Ford.

Harrison Ford. Wait, are you saying she looks like Harrison Ford? Yes. Why? Similar hairstyles. Short hair? I don't even have an earring. It was a broad joke.

Let's not dissect it. I mean, it was... It was definitely a broad joke. That's what I say after all of my jokes. Oh, fuck. I think it looks good. You're looking good. It's looking good.

Thank you. Very rock star. Anything else going on in life that you want to talk about? I don't feel like talking. Let's keep the show going. That's one way to answer that question. There she goes. Allie McCoskey, everyone, with a new minute.

I guess we didn't really talk about her act at all. Usual shit. Trim the fat. Get to the punchlines quicker, right? I guess that's that. I like the joke. The joke is good. It's a funny premise to be in a m the joke. The joke is good. Yeah.

It's a funny premise to be in a mosh pit. The mosh pit kicked the pussy thing. My pussy smell too. I mean, that's it. Back to the bucket, right? You guys ready for more? Okay. This looks like it could be a new name.

How about Yogi Palawao? Oh. Yogi Palawao. Come. Yogi Palawao. Come on, Yogi. Please be there. I don't know who you are, but I want this so bad right now. I'm too scared to come up. There can only be one Yogi Palawao.

I don't want to do it. Yogi? I'm over here. Yogi, is that you? Yes, it is, but I don't want to go. Why do you sound like Larry David? What's the deal with ice cream? What is the deal with picnic baskets?

I wrote that. Put your hands together for Joy Eileen. Joy Eileen. Straight from the front row. She's here every week. A trooper, a warrior, a road dog. Do you guys remember when hashtags used to be pound signs? Okay, yeah, there's some of you out there. Some of you young people are like, no, I don't.

But hashtags used to be pound signs. And I was thinking about it, and do you guys remember the, like a couple weeks ago, the hashtag me too? That would have been a lot different if we would have called it pound me too. Completely different. But I started thinking about it. And I don't really remember when pound sign went to hashtag, and I was wondering, like, what happens if one night we fall asleep and wake up, and it changed it back from hashtag to pound sign?

Think about all those Instagram celebrities out there who, you know, they would be like pound male model. Pound model with tattoos. P pound model with tattoos pound model with tattoo fuck yeah Joy Eileen paying homage to a little bit of a there he is

hashtag men with tattoos hashtag gay alright Okay, there he is. Hashtag men with tattoos. Hashtag gay. All right. So, Joy, let's just jump into it. How long have you been on stand-up? Like a year, year and a half. A year, year and a half.

We've seen you on this show quite a few times. Do you go up other places? A little bit. Not as much as I could or should. How many times a week? No, not weekly. I have three kids. I'm stuck. How many times a week? No, not weekly. I have three kids. I'm stuck. How old are your kids?

17, 11, and 6. You got a 17-year-old? Yeah. He's my stepson. Oh, okay. All right. But he's mine. I mean, I'm not doubting your love.

That's what you have to tell him or else he's going to start Oxycontin and dress like a hobbit and shit like that. We've seen this before. Well, that's fun. So you have a 17-year-old stepson. Yeah. Does he get in trouble at all? Ugh. Just found out

he wasn't a virgin, so that was fun. You thought he was a virgin? Yeah. She found out while he was inside of her. Very awkward. Awkward moment. Awkward moment. No stepmom porn. No stepmom porn. You're with your husband or man and I felt very uncomfortable making the joke

physically for my safety but it had to be made and I'm glad I did Joy what are your tattoos there what's that tattoo on your arm that's the jack holes that's the name of Louis CK's next album

oh my god I had a Louis CK joke what's the name of my... Is that Louis C.K.'s next album? Oh my god, I had a Louis C.K. joke. What's the Jack Holes? The Jack Holes is my fictitious band in the books that I write. Wow. Wait, you're an author? I am. I have six books published. That's awesome.

What are you guys doing? You normally wear glasses, but this is like the performer Joy Eileen. They were just in my purse, so I didn't even think about them. But you normally wear glasses. I do. Do people buy your books? Do you make your money from the books? I don't make a lot of money. I make more money ghostwriting. I make more money

writing other people's books. She's like, you ever heard of John Grisham? That's me. Can you get him on Amazon? Yeah. Go buy some, people, and tell us how it is. That's me. Can you get it on Amazon? Yeah. Go buy some, people, and tell us how it is. I'm curious. What would be the one you recommended

the most? Well, I have the rock and roll book. There's three of them out. What's that called? Breaking Faith, Surviving Faith, and Becoming Faith. Oh my god, new series on the CW. Trilogy. This summer. You just got picked up for 30 episodes

Josh Hartnett just came back Well that's fun, so you write a lot what are some of the routines that you do when you're ready to write, like what are some things that you do Honestly, it's just at night like when the kids are put back to sleep Yeah, I bet this guy loves it you just start writing and he starts masturbating next to you.

Oh, babe, you're doing the writing again. Oh, yeah, go write about the jackholes. I'll make one of my own. What other tattoos do you have? I see a lot of tattoos for a lady with a 17-year-old stepson. You know what I'm saying, daddy-o? All right, go on. Let's see.

The Robin. That's a little bird. My mom's name'm saying daddy? Alright, go on. The Robin. That's a little bird. My mom's name is Robin, so I've got that. Everybody knows that's the sound of a Robin. Oh yeah. Classic Robin. Weird awkward moment with Robin. Recently found out she's also not a virgin.

I have the Batman tramp stamp. Do you really? You have a Batman symbol on your back? Is that really true? Like with the Batman logo? Yeah, it's right above the Batcave. When you come, do you scream, Gotham needs me? Wow.

Or do you act like Robin? Well, the bigger question, we're all standing in front of Bruce Wayne right here. So you have a Batman tattoo. I have two Batman tattoos, actually. Whoa, dare I ask where the other one is? The other one's on my neck. Oh, that's an abstracted Batman?

Yeah. Okay. Wow. That's interesting. So you have a Batman tattoo? That Batman sign looks like the male and female bathroom logos. It does, huh? It's okay.

Just so you can pee on my back. Whoa. Whoa. Prickly dickily. Okay. Oh, this show just got more exciting. Oh, shit. just got more exciting. You asked for a girl.

Batman. Wait a minute. You have a Batman and a Robin tattoo? Yeah. You think that's crazy? You should see your scarecrow. Oh, my. Hey, what are you, the Joker? My ass is Heath Ledger. Who is this guy? Who is this guy? Riddle me this.

Who is this guy? What other tattoos do you have? There's one over there. Oh, that's my broken, mended heart. Wow. Did he mend it? He did. There's actually four screws. Wow, did you have to use a heart monitor thing to do that? Very good. Wow, did you have to use a heart monitor thing to do that? Very good. Wow.

Yeah, that's in the book, too. That's a book thing, too. It's in a book. As well, yeah. So your tattoos are inspired by your books? A lot of them, yeah. And many of them are inspired by Batman, by Batman. So it's really Batman in my books.

Which one is your favorite Batman, if you had to choose? I like Michael Keaton. I think he's the only Batman. I it's really Batman in my books. That's really what it is. Which one is your favorite Batman if you had to choose? I like Michael Keaton. I think he's the only Batman. I agree with that. I mean, and then the one-liners in that fucking movie were amazing. What is the worst Batman? The worst? Oh, shit.

That's got to be George Clooney. That's super easy. What? Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck? Yeah. That's the correct answer. Worse than Val Kilmer, though?

I don't know. See, it's hard. He had nipples. Val Kilmer had bat nipples. Yeah, it's more realistic. Is it? What the fuck? Joey, what else is going on with the kids?

How did you find out the 17-year-old's not a virgin anymore? Fucking Don Barris. Wait, what? He fucked Don Barris? Whoa. He put the whole ding-dong in, man. Golly. Talk about the king of late night. You know what I mean?

Did he eat the pussy? Did a little crowd warm-up. Why does Don Barris... Why is he involved in your steps on losing his virginity? He called. He called him. He took his fucking phone because he gave him the phone and called him and put him on speaker on the Ding Dong show and was like, hey, Tyler, what's your girlfriend's name?

And he's all Jade. And I was like, the whore. And then he's like, what kind of attitude does she have? And he's like, she's sassy with attitude. I'm like, because she's a bitch. And then he's like, well, we want to... Are you sure you're not in love with your stepson? You sound as jealous as fuck right now. She's a bitch, a smelly pussy bitch.

She took my babies for charity. I mean, my son. Why don't you like her? She doesn't like me. She doesn't like us. Why doesn't she like you? I don't like me. She doesn't like us. She doesn't like you. Why doesn't she like you? I don't know. She's kind of an uppity bitch.

Oh, god damn. You can't do that. Oh, that's terrible. What is she, like a Bane fan or something like that? I don't get it. She likes Superman. I like Adam West, bitch. You ever thought of buying a hat that says bow down?

Get it. That's what's up. Joy, do you and this is your husband? It is. What's the kinkiest thing you guys have ever done to one another? Is that a rough question to ask? All right. How deep is your love is what I should have said. That that a rough question to ask? Alright, I'll take it.

How deep is your love is what I should have said. That's what I meant to say. How deep is your love? Our love's pretty fucking deep. So deep that you would do what to him in the bedroom? Anything kinky? I don't know if it's kinky. I don't know.

Do you have a waterline mark on your arm? Do you ever put a finger in his bat cave? No. Oh, Alfred. Oh, Mom. We order... Where is he? Where is he?

I was born in the dark. Yeah. I can't believe that's one of my favorite lines from that whole thing. All right. Joy, anything else? No. I mean, I love this show.

Like, we are here every week. You guys are awesome. Thank you. Thank you for your love. Joy Eileen, ladies and gentlemen. She's on Twitter at theyitsmejoy. They it's me.

They it's me joy. Am I saying that right? Hey. Oh, at hey it's me joy. There you go. So she's on Twitter. CJ Kelly did not leave a Twitter handle. They rule. They always sit right up in the front every single week. One more time for Joy. Good people.

Their unwavering support. So many cool fans. By the way, forget all the super fans. The pound me too is a straight up solid joke. That's a good joke. We didn't mention that, but it's a good joke. Pound me too.

It would be awkward. I can see that We didn't mention that, but it was a good joke. Fuck yeah. Pound me too. It would be awkward. I can see that they wouldn't want that. Is it cool if we go to the bucket one more time? I already pulled a name out, so I truly don't even care about your response. Because at this point, Ichabod's bucket of destiny has already decided that we are all going to be graced

with 60 uninterrupted seconds from Rex Wesley. Seems like a new name. Rex Wesley. No? No movement. Is this Rex? Oh, fuck yeah. Here we go.

Rex Wesley. Give it up for Rex, everybody. Here he comes. Making what is assuredly his Kill Tony debut. Put your hands together for Rex Wesley. How y'all doing? What's up? What's good?

What's good? Oh, yeah. So the minute starts right now. You're right. Kill Tony debut, y'all. We getting things going. All right. So what part of Texas you went to?

What? What part of Texas you went to? What? What part of Texas? You said you're up in Texas, right? Recently? No. Yo, are you doing crowd work, bro? No. No.

Alright, well we're going to roll with it. Texas is actually very pro-gay. Not a lot of people know that. You get a lot of scrutiny from being in Texas that they don't like gay people. Texas is very pro-gay. Alright, I'm going to let y'all know that right now. Who do you think, wasn't funny yet, who do you think gave them the idea for the footlong corn dog?

The assless chaps? No? The mechanical bull? Yeah, that was straight gay jokes. The assless chaps? No? The mechanical bull? Yeah. That was straight gay jokes. Guys, what's going on here? What I've learned? Hey, there we go. Keep going.

No, keep going. Hold on. Let him finish. Let him finish. I want to hear more of this. Since I've been here, I've noticed that California is a fucking cat person state. You know? California is definitely a cat person state.

Yeah? Keep it? Wrap it up? All right. I'm going to go ahead and touch on this Nutella thing. So... Wait. Finish the cat person joke.

Do not interrupt him. Guys, I'm on a roll here. I'm on a roll. But seriously, since I've been to California... I've been on a very strict diet. You know Matthew McConaughey's on it. It's just from Monday to Friday he'd eat nothing but ass and pussy.

Oh no, oh no, oh no. No, no, no. For real, for real. All you gotta do is put a little Nutella on it. Boom. Done. Guys, it's an ass eating joke I'm a millennial it's funny Ass eating is in now Just letting y'all know

That's it two minutes and three seconds That's a new record Of Rex Wesley Fuck yeah man Well welcome welcome It is the living embodiment of dubstep, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, bro. Here he is.

You definitely don't want to get dating advice. You don't want to give dating advice from a guy wearing capris. He's looking straight at me. I'm scared. I'm the last person you want dating advice from, dog. I'm wearing capris. I've got you. When you hear that dubstep, you know you just got motherfucking burned.

Yeah, myself. Lightly roasted with Rex Wesley. It's happening. You just got stepped on. By myself. Yo, Moshe Kesha got stepped on. Everyone put your hands up. Yo, DJ Crab Dick.

You're right. I don't shave. I really don't. It's a cave. Bat cave. You just got stepped on. Oh, my God. Rex, you are an interesting guy

Thanks, bro So you're from Texas Is that what you were trying to say? Well, I mean, yeah I'm an idiot for not knowing I'm sorry, I heard you do some of your dubstep Magical sound effects on me Obviously I'm a big dumb idiot

Exactly So you're from Texas? Born there, raised in Florida You just got stepped on I'm an idiot. Exactly. So you're from Texas? Born there, raised in Florida. Okay. You just got stepped on. Again. Nice.

You look like a guy. That's funny because you look like a guy that was born in Texas and raised in Florida. Yeah, bro. I'm like the perfect redneck, bro. Yeah, you definitely look like a redneck. You just got stepped on. Classic redneck. You know the redneck. Wait, is redneck because that's where the Renaissance Fair people hang out. Is that right? No, I mean it's redneck. You know the redneck. Wait, is redneck? Because that's where the Renaissance Fair people hang out.

Is that right? No, I mean, it's redneck. That is crazy. You're like simultaneously a guy that talks like he's black and looks like a guy that would lecture a guy for talking like he's black. Oh, bro. There you go. How can you be all these things?

You just got stepped on. Okay. All right. Rex, how long have you been in Los Angeles? Three months. Three months. Where have you been staying at? Tarzana.

Tarzana? Yeah. What? Yo, you look like Tarzan, dude. You right. The obvious joke. Moving on. I thought he looked more like an Encino man.

No, bro. I walk like a dog. Who do you stand with in Tarzana? My cousin. Your cousin. What's your cousin do? He postmates. Okay.

What do you do? Swing from trees. Swing from trees. What do you do? He's like, what do you do? Molly, ayahuasca, DMT. Depends what show we're at. Yeah, I mean.

I walk dogs. You walk dogs? Yeah, and deliver shit. Or do they walk me? I don't know, dude. It depends, bro, how high I am. It's lit, dude. It's lit.

You going to lightning in a bottle? All right, dude. Snoop Lion. What was that question, Moshe? Are you going to lightning in a bottle? No, bro. I am lightning in a bottle? No, bro. I am lightning in a bottle. Yeah, I know.

Wow. You better rub him the right way. Lightning in a bottle. Yeah, yeah. Rex, you said that you eat pussy Monday through Friday? Bro, you do not know how long I got to brush my teeth for, bro. It is really bad. It weakens.

No, bro. It is really bad. Dick Weekends. Nah, bro. I mean, he's amazing because he's like, you look so woke, and then your punchline was like, you know the gay stuff, the footlong corn dog, baby! Hey, man, have you ever been to Texas State Fair, though? Nah, dog. What's up with it? Footlong corn dog, that's what's up. Oh, okay, man. Shit you ever been to Texas State Fair, though? Nah, dawg. What's up with it?

Footlong cord knocks. That's what's up, dawg. Oh, okay, man. Shit, what it be like? Hey, man. Tell me about that fair, player. A whole footlong. Yeah.

What's up? We got the button up to the top. I feel you. I feel you. Pow wow. It's the ice, man. Pow wow. Pow wow Texas bro

Hey Houston they did something this year Yo I run the log ride there So Rex what were you doing For a living back when you were in Florida and Texas I was a jet ski tour guide Of course That's crazy to me because you actually look like A jet ski tour guide

Bro it was awesome I got paid to party. Dude, like, drove jet skis around the islands and then they'd be like, yo, where do we party after we ride jet skis? I'm like, yo, I get off at 6. Dubstep, Dubstep. The bar has the same name as the after party.

That sounds like a perfect line. It was. I'm fucking broke now. Why'd you move here? Because I do comedy. No, seriously, why'd you move here? I'm dead serious. I'm running from Dog the Bounty Hunter. Yeah, bro.

How long have you been doing stand-up for? Since I've been 18. Man, long enough to know that when a joke doesn't work, you say, that was funny, I'm a millennial. Yeah, bro. That's how you do it. We do that. The answer to my question of how long you've been doing stand-up was.

Since I've been 18. Since you've been 18. So, yeah, you're right. How old are you now? I was dumb. Yeah, about like four or five years. Four or five years. Yeah.

How often do you perform? Weekly. Weekly. Once a week? Yeah. Okay. Once a week. Weekly.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Moshe. Oh, yeah. Once a fucking week, dude. Weekly once a week My bad I'm scared so afraid of this guy Yo, Moshe you question my type 5 dude. No, they come How dare you dude I got a tight five dude Dude I ate a tight fives pussy on Wednesday I got a hacky sack in my asshole I bet you do get laid a lot though huh Yeah I also dab a lot dude

You dab I dab and I dub Hit the sound Nope You don't get to call it I do. Yeah. Fuck it. I also dab a lot, dude. Dab. I dab and I dub. Hit the sound. Nope. It's not funny no more. You don't get to call it. That'll never work. It's not funny no more.

What's up, boss man? So like the last chick you hooked up with, where'd you meet her at? A Hooters, bro. Hold on. What was it? Hooters. Hooters? You shouldn't be allowed in a Hooters legally with that haircut.

Oh, no, I am, though. They're like, no, you can't come in. I'm the exact type that they want to take home to dad. You know what I'm saying? They're like, ooh, he don't make a lot of money. If their dad is Bob the Dishwasher. Is their dad Bob Marley? Oh, my God.

I hate to point this out, but even Bow Down Girl is like, uh-uh. Not on my worst day. She's not having it. Not on my worst day. She's not having it. And she was going to let the hobbit eat her ass. I mean, just to let you know. The hobbit with a dirty needle hanging out of his hairy foot. Wait, her hat says stand up now.

Did you eat at the Hooters that evening when you met that girl? Yeah. What'd you eat? Wings. Wings? Wings. Pussy. What were you doing at a Hooters?

Bro, they do some open mic there, dog. I remember once a week. Oh, yeah, yeah. Once a week. Yeah, I don't know. It's been a long time since I would have done an open mic at a Hooters, I'll tell you. Oh, hey, man. It's on the strip.

This was at the Hollywood Highland one. It's on the strip. You hooked up with a real Hooters waitress from that one?. This was the Hollywood Highland one. It's on the strip. You hooked up with a real Hooters waitress from that one? No, I wouldn't say that one. I said she was Hooters. That was the last one I ate at. The last one I did. The last Hooters or the last waitress? Ha ha.

Ha ha. Ha ha. Yeah, dude. I'm dropping down. Rex, let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. Let me ask you something, because you're an interesting character. Very rarely do we have, like, true villains on this show. And you are, you know, it's sort of like it's hard to be a bad guy on this show, because we're all sort of like dicks the whole time.

But you are so incredibly unlikable. It's amazing. Thank you. It's almost shocking. I don't know if I really see anything like it that often. But, like, the laugh, the bragging of hooking up with... Who did you vote for? You didn't vote.

But if you had voted, who would you have voted for? I'm a part of the problem, bro. I voted for Trump. Yeah, I had a feeling. Because he's like... It's like there's... I just... I knew it.

I knew it. Well, what are you? You're such a creature of mystery. I can't even. He's the top half of a pony version of a centaur. That's it. He's like the tail. He looks like the tail. Okay, so Rex,

I wanted to ask you a question. That was just the front end of my question. You are incredibly unlikable. So here's the question. I was just the front end of my question. It was, you are incredibly unlikable. So here's the question. I want to know what you think is the douchiest thing about you. Damn, bro.

No, tell the truth. The douchiest thing about me, dog. Maybe the fact that I don't know what the douchiest thing is is probably the douchiest thing. That's a classic job interview answer. My biggest weakness is probably that I work too hard. I'm sponsored by a dirt company. Yeah, they call me bro dirt.

That wasn't funny either. Jesus. No, mine was good. I like mine. You're full of catchphrases, Rex Wesley. Thanks, bro. Is that your real name? Rex.

Rex Wesley. Really? Yep. It looks like your hair has a rusted root. I don't know that one. How many times you been to jail? None, bro. What?

Yeah. Crazy. Talk about white privilege. I sell Mad Weed jail? None, bro. What? Yeah. Talk about white privilege. I sell Mad Whiz. Jailed it. Wait, now he's talking about white privilege. He's like toggling back and forth between, I can't figure you out. I'm the perfect stereotype, right? I'm a good

comfortable medium between black and white. What are your parents like? They're still together. You come from money. No. Oh, no. My parents are pro-boogie boarders, no. My parents are pro boogie boarders, dude. My parents are sea turtles, dude. My parents are Peter Russell, dude. My mom's name is C.

My dad's name is Dew. It's C-Dew. C-Dew, come here and kiss me. No, you're my mom and my dad. What are your parents like? Fuck, old. My dad's just white. Dad's white, mom's Mexican.

Okay. Wait, which one? Which one got the woo? I'll give you that. This one's for white dads. All across the nation. What does the white dad do for a living? Wait, were your parents at a concert that Ali went to last night?

Maybe. No, there was no. What does your dad do for a living? He's Aquaman. I don't know, bro. My dad, he's like a really good schemer. He's been doing it for a minute. He's a what?

He's a schemer. I don't know. He just always knows how to make some money. He's cool. A hustler. He's a hustler. I think I get that from him. I love this.

I think I've seen you and your dad on one of my favorite shows, Bloodline. You might. Oh, bro, that was filmed out in the Keys. That's a good reference for the ten of you that have watched. It's an amazing show on Netflix. Your dad's Kyrie. It was filmed in the Keys. It was tight. Yeah, you're absolutely right about that,

Rex Wesley. When you're alone in bed at night, are you, like, scared? Just like the panic of the reality of how much work it is to keep up the facade and stuff. Oh, bro, like, I don't know. You got to say you got to. Moshe, to be fair, that's comedy in general. Doesn't every comedian go to sleep?

How long can I keep up this facade for? Rex, at the end of a long, long day. I'm going to roll with Moshe's question here. At the end of a long, long day. I'm going to roll with Moshe's question here. At the end of a long, long day, you're at home. You take off your pants. The blood actually flows to your feet for the first time all day. The very first time. You plug in your lava lamp.

What do you tend to think of when you're falling asleep at night? Fuck, bro. How many days I got until rent's due, bro. Bernie Sanders. How many days until rent's rent's due, bro? Bernie Sanders. How many days until rent's due, basically? Yeah. Ayahuasca. So what did you do, for example, last month to hustle and pay your rent?

What did you do in particular? Oh, I got lucky and I did like, I was still riding off a check I got from MTV, actually. Oh, how'd you get a check from MTV? I did a show called Undressed. Oh, yeah? What's that about? It's basically, bro, okay, like a large-ass game. I like truth show called Undressed. Oh, yeah? What's that about? It's basically, bro, okay, like a large-ass game. I like truth and dare, but you're in your underwear.

It's kind of, yeah. It's like. So you are a contestant? Yeah. It's not naked and dating, but it's not naked and dating. So you just play truth or dare in your underwear? Basically, bro. What did they dare you to do?

Like a. Cut my hair, dude. Talk like you're race. I said no. I don't know how to do that, bro. What did you do? Bro, the setup is a stage or a backdrop with questions.

They ask you hella questions and then a bed. You and your date and that's it. I got a great question. Let's roll. Your answer to what's the douchiest thing about you is that you don't know what the douchiest thing about you is, but I think I found out a way to find out the

answer to my question. What is the coolest thing about you? Oh. Oh. There you go. Yes. Bro, I mean, like you said, bro, it's not the facade. It's the facade.

And it's the hair, bro. It's the hair. That is definitely the douchiest thing about you. You said it's not the facade. That's how you say it. Oh, it's the facox. With a K? Gotcha.

With a K. With a K or an X. Socks. Socks. There he goes, Got you. With a K. With a K. K or an X. Socks. Socks. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Rex Wesley. And with that, we did another episode of Kill Tony. Did you guys have fun tonight?

Did you guys get enough? Look at that drawing of Kill Tony tonight. Wow. The amazing Ryan J. Ebel with a special Star Trek homage. Look how cool you look, Moshe. Is that fucking crazy or what? I love it so much. All those prints are available at ryanjebel.com.

And be on the lookout for a huge announcement coming in the next couple weeks on the art front of Ryan J. Ebel. An amazing, amazing thing is about to happen. One of the coolest pieces of merch I've ever been involved with in my entire life is coming soon. It's amazing. It rhymes with the book. Moshe Kesher is going all over. I'm in Australia. I'm in Philadelphia and a bunch of other fun places.

And you are? Yeah, November 29th at North Door, Netflix taping, Austin, Texas. Turn up. Come out. If you want to be in it, austintaping at gmail.com. Charlotte, North Carolina this weekend. And New Year's Eve at the Grand Lake Theater in Oakland. Yeah, come out. If you want to be in it, austintaping at gmail.com. Charlotte, North Carolina this weekend, and New Year's Eve at the Grand Lake Theater in Oakland.

Yeah, come by. Fuck yeah. Patty motherfucking Ray. Make some noise for the great Pat Reagan, everybody. Every single week, he's the band leader. He brought us Joel Berg, he brought us Jeremiah, he brought us Chroma Chris, and we love him. Patty Reagan. Hey, check out the album

The Harder They Come, the soundtrack. Fuck yeah. How about some noise for motherfucking Joel Byrne. Guys. Joel Jimenez. Home Run Derby tonight. Moshe's one of my favorite guests. Listen to the Champs podcast.

Also follow me on Mostly Sorry and watch the Nathan For You finale. I was in the art department. I agree. One more time for the great Moshe Kesher, everybody. Come on. How much fucking fun did we have tonight? A blast.

TonyHinchcliffe.com for tour tickets. Listen to Kill Tony. New Pony Hour coming out this week with Doug Benson and the store horseman. We're off the next two weeks, but we have two shows for the next two weeks. Death Squad secret shows, so come see us. Those are stand-up comedy shows. Live audience, thank you so much for coming out. Have a great night. See you.

Goodbye. We love you. See you. Send me on my way Send me on my way Send me on my way Send me on my way I would like to hold my hand