KILL TONY - KILL TONY #241

Episode Date: December 15, 2017

Doug Benson, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 12/10/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website deathsquad.tv for all the past episodes, including tour dates. If you click on tour dates, you

can get tickets to see Kill Tony live, which we record every Monday at the world famous comedy store. We also do a comedy show at the Ice House every first and third Friday. That's called the Ice House Chronicles. And December 29th, if you're in Los Angeles after Christmas, before New Year's, it's a Friday.

We are doing a Death Squad show at the Hollywood Improv. You can get all these ticket links by going to deathsquad.tv and clicking on tour dates also Kill Tony Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website TonyHinchcliffe.com everything Golden Pony is there including his tour dates and all his information

you can check it out by going to TonyHinchcliffe.com Ryan J. Ebelt he's the house artist he also draws every single episode, and he took all those drawings and made it a book. The Kill Tony book is available for pre-order right now. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. If you want the Death Squad Kill Tony shirt,

you gotta go to ShopSquad.tv. ShopSquad is the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, and Kill Tony's shirt is there. There's only a few left, though. Last time I checked, there was like seven shirts left. So if you want to go to it, go to ShopSquad.tv. We also just released brand new mugs, Death Squad mugs.

If you had the old one, you know it was an awesome mug, really high quality. We have a new design, and we also brought back the old design. So if you go to shopsquad.tv, you can check them out there. All right, guys, here's a brand-new episode, a special episode from the Belly Room of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store Belly Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony.

It's good. Hi, everybody. Hello. Welcome. Welcome to the Belly Room. You guys ready for a crazy fucking show or what? Come on. You guys can do better than that.

Are you guys ready to blow open this fucking blowhole of a room? There we go. Feels about right. Great Brian Redband is here on the ones and twos, ladies and gentlemen. What is up, guys? Another beautiful day. We have the amazing artist Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode right here. He also drew the official Kill Tony book available at ryanjebel.com.

Life is good. Yeah. A lot of fun stuff happening in the world. Christmas right around the corner. There'll be no show here on Christmas. What? Did you know that? They're just shutting everything down on Christmas.

That sucks. We have to spend Christmas with people we like. Yeah, it's rough. I'm going to be performing stand-up in Chicago, Illinois at the Zanies in Rosemont. I'm going to be performing stand-up in Chicago, Illinois at the Zanies in Rosemont. And I'm going to be in Philadelphia at the end of January. So if you're in Chicago or Philly, yeah, sure, whatever you just said. Absolutely.

So I'm excited to be here. Life's good. Forest fires are happening. Ryan J. Utebelt has a brand brand new Kill Tony book for sale on his website it has every time he draws it has every single one of them in the book perfect Christmas gift for that Kill Tony fan in your life or for yourself

you can just buy it for yourself if you want to let's just jump right into it I have an amazing guest as always and he's one of our favorites here on Kill Tony you know him from all of his big hit TV shows, podcasts, and movies. Put your hands together for the great Doug Benson, everybody. Come on.

Come on. Yeah, dude. Holy shit. Here we go. Come on over here. This is for you. Doug Benson. Doug Benson. Doug Benson.

Doug Benson. He's Doug Benson in the morning. He's Doug Benson at night. He's Doug Benson everywhere he goes because it makes him feel all right. It's the great Doug Benson, everybody. I'm scoping. There's 17 people watching this.

Wow. Those 17 people must be having a good old time. Bye. I said goodbye to them already. Doug Benson's here, everyone. Make some noise for Doug. Isn't this exciting?

We love you on this show, Doug. You're always honest and it's always fun meeting people, comedians, alongside of you. We have what I think I would call good chemistry. Yeah, we do.

We had fun on a cruise a little while back. Yeah, we went on the Impractical Jokers cruise to Mexico. We had a blast. Yeah, very nice time. Smoking weed on balconies on a crazy boat. Yeah, since then you got married, so I never hear from you. That's not true. I'm hanging out just more than ever.

You know I'm taking part in a weight gain challenge right now. What does that mean? Oh, you and Jeremiah are both trying to gain weight? Yeah, we're trying to gain as much weight. But you don't throw up like he does. No. Jeremiah threw up last week. I'm excited to see what happens tonight.

He's part of the band. Let's just bring him up, shall we? It's the best damn band in the land. It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. The Kill Tony Band. Every single week, if you don't know, they do different characters. And they commit to the characters throughout the show. I never know what they're going to do ahead of time.

The Kill Tony Band. Black they come. Oh, wait a second. The Mechanics are back. We've seen these guys before. Wait, I'm on a rerun? It's mechanics, ladies and gentlemen. They're mechanics this week. We've seen this before, I do believe. It's two mechanics and Mexican Mario from Mexico's Mario Brothers. And clearly we have the host at an Italian restaurant who had to recently become a mechanic. Jeremiah, how are you doing over there? I got to pay for stuff, you know.

I had to start fixing cars. So you guys are mechanics. I nailed it. All right. Well, this should be fun to see. You guys have been the band before on this show, right? Yeah, we've been here one other time. One other time.

In June of 2020, 2017. Yeah, you're sharp, Tony. Do you do Sudokus? Oh, Jesus. That one's sort of mean. No, I don't do Sudokus. All right. Oh.

Okay. Well, I'm excited to be working with these mechanics and Doug Benson tonight and Red Band you guys know how it works I have a full bucket filled with names and if I pull someone's name out of the bucket a bunch of comedians and people that randomly sign their name on lists signed up to be part of the show

earlier they're all in the very back in the hallways and the fire exits standing because they want to get 60 seconds on this show. I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Oh, there it is. So just do your time and let's do this. We're going to meet you and talk to you about anything in the world after your set, you guys ready for this? it's Kill Tony live in the belly room

where it all started the return to the attic we're back in the belly yeah and who fun to be at the highest room in the comedy store than Doug Benson did I say that right? I'm so stoned.

Get ready for a heater of a show. What is that, like sarcasm? No. Oh, wow. Alright. That mustache is not going to make it. I pulled the name out of the bucket. You guys ready to start this shit or what? Let's do it.

Your first comedian performing for 60 seconds here tonight goes by the name of the bucket. You guys ready to start this shit or what? Let's do it. Your first comedian performing for 60 seconds here tonight goes by the name of Chelsea Warner. So I recently read an article about a guy who was arrested for sexually assaulting a chicken. And I found the comment section really odd, all the outrage, considering we regularly murder them. Like, yeah, they're definitely the two worst things that could happen to a person. But if you asked me which I prefer, I'd be like, rape, please. You know, for all we know they could have pardoned this chicken from being mutilated by foster farms like every year

the White House pardons the turkey maybe on world herpes day they'll pardon this chicken I just can't imagine shaming somebody for torturing animal wise to eat them you know and I'd love to say that like I buy the ethical grass-fed slabs of meat but no I definitely buy the all animals were harmed in the making of this package of meat meat we literally curb stomped the cow's faces into the ground that's why we wrote ground beef on the package meat I'm a monster all right I don't know if that was mean about it. Chelsea Warner. That sounds like the classic I'm so-and-so closer where somebody just repeats their name

but she closes with, I'm a monster. Good night. Synonymous. It was very interesting when you said the word curb. We were listening. I know curb stomping is hilarious.

Very topical because of all the Nazis. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year. Where are you from? New Jersey. How long have you been in LA? I heard the birds. Is that what he said?

Is that where you're from? I don't know. Is that English you're from? Is that English? You heard him. I'll answer your question. I've been living in LA for four and a half years. What do you do for a job?

I'm actually an accountant at a robotics company. That's interesting because you look like you'd be an accountant at a robotics company. Superhero at night. Yes. I notice that you keep looking at yourself in the mirror a lot. I know. I'm like, I'm looking at how terrified I am and then I'm just, it's just getting worse. Sorry. Why are you so scared

of? Oh, no. I just, uh, I mean, I wasn't expecting to be pulled or pulled first, so obviously okay. And also I'm a registered sex I wasn't expecting to be pulled or pulled first. So, obviously, I'm in the spot. And also, I'm a registered sex offender. You're feeling those mechanic vibes over there. The horse of truth is out.

Chelsea, what do you like to do? She had him by the end, right? Yeah, it built up. I had no idea what you were talking about the first 30 seconds, but then you tagged enough words together that sort of made sense. Yeah, that was really confusing at the beginning. Yeah, the ground beef part at the end, though, she finished strong. The thought of hurting the animals makes everybody laugh.

What are things that you do for fun? Because you're an accountant, you seem like a very good author. Yeah, I know I have a really fun life of being an accountant. Yeah, I... You like showing up to parties, being a joy kill. Yeah. The expression is... I'm from the more...

Hey, remember when you said you read an article? It's kill joy. I read an article. Kill joy. That was the beginning of your set? You think you know it's kill joy because he's being one right now. Yeah. All right, go ahead, go ahead.

No, no, I'm... He's going to let you finish. I'm welcome to the meanness. It's fine. Well, I mean, I went to film school, so I do stuff involving with film, yeah. Somebody comes from money around here. I had to work on cars and worked my way up the food chain

To put money on the food table Put money on the food table You never put money on the food table for your family I mean it's a state school I don't know What do you do I don't know Film school is automatically a well off person

So what made you get into accounting if you went to film school? Well, I first was working at a bunch of production companies here. And as I'm sure many people know in this room, that creative jobs don't pay. So I had to up my skill set, obviously. I was making like $9 an hour doing production work and then being told that I should be grateful for like $9 an hour doing like production work and then being told that I should be grateful for the $9 an hour. How much did they pay you for when you played Daria?

I'm not laughing because I've heard that. You know I've heard that. Of course, yes, because you look exactly like Daria every day that you leave the house. You have to think for a second like, I'm Daria. Sorry, I'm just hearing all these really cliche jokes like Daria in film school is a pretentious

or rich thing. Or like ground beef. I know, I know. Sorry, I can't be outside the box. I don't know what cliche means, so if you could dumb that down for me. What do you do? Do you have any secret fun things that you do

in your social life or something like that? Because you seem like the kind of chick that has dark secrets or something like that. I think she's trying to solve a murder. I think she's tracking a real-life murder with pins and a map and red string. I would say dominatrix. I sort of get that vibe.

I normally wouldn't stereotype somebody like that, but there's something very like it. Okay, I'll just validate something that's being said. I was... You are a robot, aren't you? Let's do this. I think she's about to validate that next phrase. It's an easy job.

I just have to account for all the different robots in my body. No, I actually I did have someone sex slave before. So yeah, you're on. You're on to something. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

You know. Thanks finally. Red band really knows how to do it. People aligning with me finally. I'd ask a follow up question.

Red band. Who do you think paid her to do this? I know. I stopped so you could say it and you couldn't get yours out. Because you wanted to say it so bad. There's nothing more fun than tying in this game.

No one paid me. Do you not understand what slavery is? Oh, financial domination. No one paid me. Whoa, it was real slavery. Damn, wow. 12 years of paid me. It was real slavery. Damn. Wow. 12 years of sex slavery.

Who books that? Who books that? I didn't answer a Craigslist ad. It happened upon it. Back page. I wasn't searching. Are you willing to talk about it? What are some of the things that you had to do? What kind of sex slave were you?

Did they make you work the fields or anything like that? They make you pick cotton underwear. Okay, so first you know what slave meant, and now you don't know what sex means. Ha ha ha, it's so fucking funny. Cotton underwear it is. That's a good one. No, it's not something I was into.

I just met someone, and I have a fuck it list, so I'm very like, I'll do it. The thing that was into I just I just met someone and I'm very I have like a fuck it list I'm very like oh like I'll do it uh the thing that was kind of annoying was I had to I was like on call so but I always but he wouldn't accept me being busy unless I had like a valid excuse so like I have this one joke where I say like you know like what's a sexy way of saying like I I can't come over because I want to keep watching Gilmore Girls. Like, that was, like, that happened. And so he would scold me a lot. I didn't like that. It wasn't sexy being scolded.

How would he scold you? Like, he would, like, bitch at me over text because I'm, like, I don't want to come over. I have a fucking life. I'm purchasing robot parts. Like, I don't have time for you all the time. You know what I mean? Damn. I'm purchasing robot parts.

I don't have time for you. What kind of sex slave are you? This is bad sex slave. I know. It didn't work out. If this was a movie, it would be called Fifty Shades of No Way. What kind of robots are you guys doing? Sex robots?

Or just Honda robots? Nothing in my life is tied together no um we do all the robots for like Avatar like Gardens of the Galaxy all the big movies that I don't see but like I have to be supportive of yeah why don't you see him do you need to upgrade your prescription

so you you you think so you think I'm like over here just trying to do do non-sexual jokes because in today's climate you guys so you think you were a slave? you think you were a slave? it was consensual at what point

was your family taken away from you and sold to another plantation? I didn't use the terminology he did, so you gotta take it up with that. That's a new reality show, so you think you can slave. It doesn't fucking make any sense. I mean, was there

Fifty Shades of No Way was much better? I know, it's like... Hey, the sequels are never as good. That's so fun. So you were a sex slave, but you basically complained most of the time about having to do it.

He put a ball gag in your mouth. Did he call you Kunta Kinky? That first word was rough. Joelberg's here. All right, Chelsea. Anything else fun in your life? Any special skills or talents or anything? Is that not enough for you?

Are you not amused? Wow. Okay, the other end of the spectrum, I used to be a professional face painter. Oh. I work with the kids, too, not just the adults. Okay, let's talk about that. Yeah.

Could you paint my face and enjoy your comedy? Hey, could you paint him another half of a mustache? All right. We just got to meet her for the first time on this show. Put your hands together one more time

for Chelsea Warner, everyone. No Twitter. Nah. She wrote nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. She wrote nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. At nah.

Wow. It's the mechanics with mustache. I wonder if there is an at N-A-H nah on Twitter, because that's a good snag. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Avanti. All right. Trimmed out my pubic hair finally today. All right.

I know. Overdue. Yeah, I, they're nice at super cuts, you know, and the tip and everything. Yeah, I just celebrated my 15 year anniversary of being a vegan.

You can high-five me on the way out for my service to the planet. Don't worry, don't owe me anything. I had a potluck for my vegan anniversary, and nobody showed up. Vegans hardly have any friends. It's all right. I was kind of relieved because I'm a racist anyway. I'm a racist in that I hate everybody equally. You know, I was happy, you know.

So asshole vegan tip for today. If you can't shoot it up your ass, don't eat it. Asshole vegan tip for tomorrow. Eat pussy, not meat. Anyone know what your spirit vegetable is? Mine's an avocado. Same thing, fruit, who cares, you know. I'm a Pep Boys Rewards member, too.

I'm proud of that. I smell a closer. There it is. Avanti, everybody. Fuck yeah. That was the best joke ever. That last one. It sounded like a Brody Stevens line.

I know. I'm a pet boy. Where were you going to go with that? Was that it? No. That segue is you plan on that to get a big laugh when you say it. You notice you said it once, and you didn't even have to finish the joke because you could just say the setup, and it gets a laugh.

I'm a pet Pep Boys reward member. Is that true? Yes, it's true. How often do you have to go to Pep Boys in order to get rewards like that? I think if you're a regular oil change, you can go. You could go and go on your – go on. It's like a grocery store card. Yeah.

If you need a little pep in your step, just eat meat. It's weird that you'd make that reference with the pep boys sitting right next to you. Yeah. Does it offend you guys that she's part of the corporate structure and doesn't go to an independent mechanic like yourself? It's a little offensive sometimes. He doesn't seem that mad about it, though. Avanti, you seem like you're a real free spirit.

Like almost a hippie type. Is that true? Is that true? Yeah, I'd say that. You're right. One of your goats is here to confirm. And by free spirit, he means somebody who takes Spirit Airlines. I would also gamble on that.

A few trips to Portland, Spirit, right? Yes, indeed. She's nodding for the podcast listener. She nodded yes. She sold me a Coexist bumper sticker outside. Do you have any healing crystals on your person right now? Um...

Oh, God. Yeah, I do. She just um-ended that. Um-end. You guys are good. Yeah, yeah. I do have them in my ears, and they're also in my car. I keep them in my car.

Oh, on the dashboard? You went like that. They are on your dashboard. Yes. How do they stay there? You know, they just kind of stay. It's interesting. I put them up there, and they stay. They just stay. You sure they stay there? You know, they just kind of stay. It's interesting. I put them up there, they stay. They just stay. You sure it's

interesting? Well... You ever go to a steakhouse and throw crystals at people on the way out? What kind of car do you have? Just a Toyota Camry. And they just stay there.

Japanese. It's very interesting. So what do you do for a living? You're a life coach. You teach yoga on the side. What else? I'm a yoga teacher. Massage therapist.

Good. That's another good. I'm a yoga teacher, but I tellage therapist. Good, that's another good... I'm a yoga teacher, but I tell people to fuck off and I carry a gun and I give people a finger and stuff. You're an interesting one. I feel like you watch Fox News and CNN. I have a gun and I eat vegan.

What? You're a weird hippie. You do have a gun? Is it made of crystals? I want to get one. I want to get one. I want to get one. Whoa. That's what somebody that has a gun in their waistband right now says.

That long pause. I want to get one. And it's right here. Did you really trim your bush? It's been a couple of days. Oh. Okay. I noticed...

Brian Redman with the follow up question I noticed I noticed you're wearing snow boots With capris and I guess my question is Would you like to make a public apology It's more like the jeans I shouldn't have worn these jeans Avanti

Where do you live I live in Venice jeans. I shouldn't have worn these jeans. Avanti. That's my fixer-upper patty-raking right there. Where do you live? I live in Venice. You probably could have guessed that. The pier? How long have you been there? How long have you lived in Venice? On and off for about ten years.

What are some of your favorite things to do around there? I feel like you have the ball on a string or things like that, like some weird shit that you do, right? Exactly. Like what? I save my menstrual blood and I pour it on my plants. God damn it. Where are you on sound effects right now?

You're just going full verbal responses? Give me something. Yeah. Yes. Thank you. Jesus. Mustang Dally! Yes, you better slow your Mustang down.

Okay, so... Do you name your plants and is one of them called Carrie? She has a eucalyptus. It's a good idea. I haven't named my plants, but I think that's a good idea. So you use menstrual cups. That's what you're getting at. How do you do it?

How do you get the blood? Well, part of the Pep Boys joke is don't you think it's time to wake up and smell the diva cup? Oh, Jesus. You said there wasn't any more of the Pep Boys joke and now you're telling me that there is and that it's horrible.

Earmuffs, Jeremiah. I don't want you throwing up again. I think, in my professional opinion, this joke is totaled. You're not going to be able to take it out. you throwing up again. I think, in my professional opinion, this joke is totaled. You're not going to be able to take it out. I want that again. So you really do this with your blood and your plants? I do.

Why? It's actually good for the plants. It helps them grow, and it helps to... So is water, though. It's better than water. Do you have a term for bleeding your plants? Not really. I haven't thought of it.

You could come up with one. Something like, your garden must smell. It must be the stinkiest garden ever. Do your plant-a-spidey-chess go, feed me, Avanti. Feed me. Period, blood. That is, it's a little shop of whores.

Whores. Period blood. Jesus fucking Christ, where did you even come up with this idea? Is it your own thing? I'd heard of it before on like... Because you hang out with people that act like you. No, actually, I

don't know anyone else that does it. How many cats do you have? Where do you put the period blood? Do you put it in one of those flower water pots? Do you squat over a flower water pot? And do your plants starve when you're off at Burning Man? And do your plants starve when you're off at Burning Man?

I have environmental sensitivity, so I don't go to Burning Man. Oh, okay. No, she doesn't go to Burning Man. She performs, though. This is Melissa Etheridge. What are you talking about? Avanti, do you play any musical instruments? Other than the didgeridoo?

The pan flute? The rain stick? The raining blood stick? You've been single for a while, right? Is that true? You have been single for a while? Nope, that's not true. No, you have some guy that's like a caveman Never wears clothes

She plays the I don't need no mandolin If it was like 30 seconds early It would have been really good So if you really want to know I bleed into one of my old socks I save it and I soak it in one of my Tupperware things in water and it gets the blood out. Then I pour it on the plants.

What the fuck? Fucking idiots. Yeah, you put straight blood on the plants. That's not going to be good. You have to filter it first. Los Angeles blood is not clean enough. Why would you use a sock? It's a way I can recycle my old socks.

And tampons have a lot of bleach in them. It's not recycling them. It's destroying them. It is giving them another use. I see what you're saying. If your plants became babies, you know what I'm saying? Like your menstrual blood creates like a growth that happens overnight, and all of a sudden you get wah, wah.

And it's your fucking plants that you were squatting on and squirting period blood onto. All right. I do talk to my plants. I mean, that's how they grow too. I mean, you're right. Would you say that the menstrual blood on the plants thing is one of the most strange things about you, if you had to guess?

Like, if you wrote your book out, and you're like, some strange things about Avanti. Also, she's never seen Game of Thrones. You guys are smart. You've gotten almost everything right. What are some other, like, very free spirit things about you? See, with the whole menstrual butt thing, I don't really think that's particularly weird.

I know people... To me, it's not the weirdest thing about me. So what is? Here we go. You ready for this? The million dollar question. Is it in the top five? I think it's one of the most natural...

In fact, I think all women should do it you know I mean I think you have to stop what you're saying right now yeah hashtag yes all women do you use your

do you use your feces for anything I take a lot of you just thought about it I take a lot of probiotics and Avanti what's the weirdest thing about you

like if you had to guess what the weirdest thing is weirdest thing she you? Like if you had to guess what the weirdest thing is. She loves Tim Allen. I don't have a TV and I hate TV. I hate watching TV. Okay, sorry. I hate TV.

But that's not that weird either. Hating TV is pretty up there for weirdness. You ever gone door to door and tried to get people to vote? Try to what? Get people to vote for somebody? Hell no. I don't believe in voting.

I think voting is a fucking lie. What do you think happened at 9-11? I think it was an inside job for sure. Do you think the earth is round? Don't you? Don't you? Do you think the earth is round? job for sure. Do you think the earth is round? Don't you? Do you think the earth's

round? Jesus fucking Christ. Holy shit. She's gotta look into it. Holy shit, man. I think it's both flat and round. What makes you say that? Oh, like a pizza. Cause, cause, cause this part where...

Oh my god. Do you think it's flat and round because the part we're standing on now is flat and the rest of it is round? Is that why? Well, I think cats would have pushed everything off it if it was totally flat. Cats? Alright.

We just reached the level of insanity that is enough for once. Will you sign up again? Will you come back to the show? I would love to. Very interesting character. Nice to meet you. Avanti, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes.

There she goes. Wow. How about that? How about that? That was really... I found... There's a person on Twitter who got nah, N-A-H,

and has 49,000 followers, but also says this account's tweets are protected. So I don't know how that works. How do you get that many followers? That means he has to approve you. I can't believe that you would go back to the at-nah Twitter handle. That chick pours her period blood on her plants, Doug. Were you paying any attention

to what was just happening up here? I googled that and she's right. It's very good for the plants. Tony, if anybody's interested, she'll be doing

shadow puppets in the green room a little bit later. This is another, I believe it's going to be another lady. Put your hands together for Isabella Charlton.

Hi. Hi. I have a resting, adorable cherub face. I hate neo-Nazis. adorable cherub face. Okay. I hate neo-Nazis. Yeah, they're nothing like the original Nazis. Do you know when you're bombing? Of course you do, you're American. That was a political joke um i started dating someone recently and um very early on in the relationship i asked him how he

felt about period sex and i you know i told him i'm a feminist and i can only date a feminist and uh he said yeah i'm into Unfortunately, I don't like period sex. So we simulate it with fake blood because I'm a good girlfriend. Okay. Okay, Isabella Charlton. Hello. I think her jokes drive on the other side of the road.

Hi, Isabella. How are you? You were on the show once before, right? Yeah. What did we find out about you that night? What did we talk about? One of my hobbies was petting dogs, and you asked me my age twice.

What was that? 49. Now I get why he asked twice because you're lying and he was still curious. No, no. I told him my real age. What is it? Wait, who is this girl on stage? There was a girl without glasses

just a second ago. I was wearing them like this. Wow. This mechanic has the reaction time of a young baby. Mesmerized. A young baby? A young baby. A very young baby.

Like not a boss baby. A young baby. A young, young baby. Not a baby driver. A baby baby. A young, young baby. Not a baby driver, a baby baby. Isabella, where are you from? Sorry. I'm British and I grew up in Hong Kong.

Hong Kong? We talked about that last time. I speak Chinese. You went to Hogwarts. Hogwarts. Wait, you speak all of the Chinese? No, just Mandarin. But I mean, you could just speak fluently in Mandarin? Yeah, I used to be on a TV series in China.

Do you have a bit about speaking in Mandarin? No. Because that would be good. Yeah. Can you say... Oh, you did that last time. Yeah, can you say something in Mandarin so that we all understand? Hello, everyone. My name is Zhou Xiaolin. Yeah, can you say something in Mandarin so that we all understand?

It's interesting how in Mandarin she becomes so much more vibrant. You have a real personality. You project more. I assume you said something demanding. All right, let's try something fun. Can you do your first joke again, but can you say it in Mandarin? What was it about again? It was about what? It was a one-liner. What was your opening one-liner? I really don't want to do this. That was more shy. Say it like the other time when you spoke Mandarin. Just yell it.

Exasperated. That's another way to go. These jokes are made in China. Some assembly required. By the way, you don't have resting adorable cherub face. You have resting Carmo Macchiato face. Isabella. I don't know what that means.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years. Where have you been doing it at, in LA? Yeah. You've lived here for how long? Two years. You started here?

Yeah. I did a little bit away, but yeah. And how long were you in Hong Kong? I grew up in Hong Kong. But how long of your life was spent there? We moved there when I was six months, and I grew up there. I go back twice a year

to see my family. Huh. Okay. But you've been in LA two years. Did you come straight from Hong Kong? No, I was living in Beijing for three years. What's the difference between Hong Kong and Beijing?

Beijing is the capital of mainland China. So, like, how's it different? The air quality is pretty bad in Beijing. Oh. It's less international, I'd say, a bit, than Hong Kong.

What do you miss the most about China? Anything? The Chinese. The Chinese food. It's more free, I think. You can do what you want. Really? In China? Yeah, if you're like a foreigner.

Can you give me... What, you can do anything? Sorry? What do you... Can you wear a fake mustache yeah oh cool you guys are in what can you do there

that you don't feel free enough to do here for example like I just want to understand I've never been to China kill dolphins yeah

you could kill a dog yeah you could did you ever see street dog no like ashtray dog no like food like them Yeah. Do you ever see street dog? No. Like ass street dog? No, like food.

Like them eating dogs. Did you ever go to like the dog fest? There's not a dog fest. Yeah, there is. So what's something that you... Dog eat dog fest? I mean, a lot of my friends eat dog there, but yeah. What's something that you can do there that you can't do here?

I don't know if I really understand when you say it's free or there. You can like fart and burp. Walk around. Okay, wait. Joel, we understand you have a real beef against China. You mean flee? It's a compliment to the chef

if you burp and fart over there. Beefaroni. So your answer was burp and fart. That's interesting to me. They do that more there, like, outgoingly. It's just not even commented upon. They're just farting whenever they want.

And you're into that. That explains the air. It's more culturally acceptable. I wasn't into it to begin with, and then, like, I got into it. You love farting now. Do you think that's why their air quality is so bad? No, it's connected with factory production. Oh, I know.

Tony. I heard that in China they were throwing cats out of car windows. Talk about kitty litter. Not now. Well, let's not talk about it now. We're talking to her. I didn't hear about that. It sucks.

Talk about. Talk about. Comics don't use that expression anymore. Talk about. Comedy now is so fucking great. So do you burp and fart? Do you find yourself burping and farting a lot now? No, not here.

It's like a different society. But sometimes you want to and you're like, fuck, I'm not in China. Yeah, like every day. Really? Have you ever sharted? Okay. Anyway. Did Brian ask you that the last time? Maybe.

No, like I'm really in control. I have good muscles. No, no, that goes away after a while. You have a boyfriend? How tight is your tailpipe? Is he Chinese? No, but he grew up in Hong Kong. Is he British too? He's South African.

South African. Alright. What does he do? Private wealth? Private wealth finance. Private wealth. Not his name. He do. I'm done. He do.

Joelberg just quit. Wow. Wealth management. And what did you say you do again? I'm looking for a job. Looking for a job. Looking for a job. Where are you at, Toby?

Do you like Christmas? Do you like Christmas? No. No? You don't? Because it was never part of your life growing up, was it? No, it was. You did Christmas?

In Hong Kong, yeah. What do they do in Hong Kong for Christmas? Burp and fart. Fireworks? Fireworks? Book my ticket. We do what we do best. Fireworks.

You said fireworks like that's normal. We don't do fireworks for Christmas. Yeah. They have great fireworks in China, don't they? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Hong Kong's really good.

But Hong Kong's different than mainland China. Yeah, their fireworks are fun. Everybody knows their bunk-ass fireworks. Those fireworks are lit. Yeah. So, all right, Isabella. Anything else that you think makes you fun or different or anything just got a puppy

oh you did what is it it's a dog that's small that was good it's a puppy dog what is it I did no idea that a puppy was a small dog so what is it? I had no idea that a puppy was a small dog.

So what is it, since it's so small? Is it breakfast or lunch? Appetizer. What breed is your dog? It's an English Cocker Spaniel. Oh, that's dinner for four or five. What color?iel. Oh. Huh. Oh, that's dinner for four or five. What color? Black.

Black. Anyway, okay. Well, Isabella, it was nice to meet you. You too. There she goes, Isabella Charlton. She's on Twitter at Isabella Charlton. Avanti is at avanti.art.comedy on Instagram. Wouldn't it be crazy

if you just keep drawing women out of there? It'd be, it's the way it should be, I think. Yeah. Let's do this. Eli Halpern.

Oh, she sounds great. Eli Halpern. Oh. No movement. I'm not seeing anything. Anybody yelling for Eli? He's coming? Not coming.

Hold on one second. Nothing? Then we move on. Oh, this looks like an interesting name. Cappuccino Brown. Is this mine? How's it going? All right, man.

I just moved to L.A. I've been out here for about eight months. I've been in traffic for seven of them. I don't know what the fuck's happening. When I got out of traffic, I ran into my ex. Crazy story, right? I was texting and driving. I noticed that Hollywood has been all hands on deck. I mean deck. And I knew it was something when they worried about our pants too much. They too big.

Now they too tight. Now I'm not advocating for these new styles. But hey man, my eyes are up here. I got one more, all right? You want to know how you can tell professional greens from unprofessional greens? One of them is collers ever right there. Cappuccino Brown. That is me. Your first time on the show.

I think I'd recognize that if I'd seen it before, right? Hopefully. Cappuccino Brown. What made you go with that? Is that your real name? Yes, it was given to me. By a barista. Yeah. What's your middle name

Hold the cream Hold the cream Brown's the last name Cap Brown Nah it's almond milk Do you have a middle name though I bet it's fun It doesn't even match

It's Andre Wow Well it probably gave it to you Like for fallback, if you decide the cappuccino thing's no good. Yeah, they thought it was too corporate. You could just be Andre Brown. I'm with it.

You always have that option. Now, Cappuccino, why was that name given to you? Actually, it's not my real name. I lied. Surprise. No, yeah, no, it was a stage name. What made you go with Cappuccino? They just said, we need a host, and Derek isn't good enough, so somebody go with Cappuccino? They just said, we need a host and Derek isn't good enough.

So somebody yelled out Cappuccino. Who's they? Who's they? They. What? We don't speak of they. No, that's not a real thing at all. Yeah, you don't speak of they.

It's an unwritten rule. How's that? There's no they. If there was some they at some point. You just don't speak of they. Ask DJ Khaled. DJ Khaled. DJ Khaled. We the best music.

Who do you think? Somebody gets it. What was the TV show that you shot where they changed your name to Cappuccino? Some small college film. How long have you been going by Cappuccino? About four years maybe. Four years.

You don't even know who they were They're unspeakable Alright I see you're fully committed to that Before that were you just steamed milk? What do they call you for short? Cap Your friends call you Cap? Cap

Cool Like Captain America Cappuccino That's me How long have you been Doing stand up Since January Alright

What do you do for a living Oh god That I work at a shoe store Oh cool That's a start Yeah How long have you been

Working at a shoe store About a year Do they sell shoes In Cappuccino brown? They do. That's where he got the name. Tony, do you feel like after this interview, one of us is getting shot?

Well, it's a cappuccino, so there might be two shots, actually. Depends on the size. That was good stand-up. You had jokes. You delivered them out to the room, outwards to the room. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Since January. Since January. How long have you been paying attention? What kind of shoes do you sell? Do you sell Jordans, or do you sell high-end dress shoes? A little bit of both. A little bit of both.

Yeah. Get it all. I like the traffic joke. Thank you. Is that true or do you find yourself in traffic a lot? Mostly. Yeah. At least seven months.

You live far from where you work? Well, with traffic, yes. Without it, not like 15 minutes. What do you like to do for fun? I know I don't give off the negative reads vibe, but I like to read. Whoa, Brian.

You gotta really... I didn't even know that was a potential vibe for anyone to give up. No, but you're very, I liked how confident you seem. Go ahead. What do you read? Right now, I'm reading the 48 Laws of Power. Whoa. What's one of the laws?

Let me think never let them know what's coming keep your vibe a secret it's my favorite Gucci main album I like it like if you get that what's your biggest dream in stand-up or in show business? If you could do anything. If you were like The Rock and you could do anything. I think that would be my dream. It'd be like that. That level of making just bad movies. Yeah.

Because you're going to remember bad movies. I was going to say his dream is to have his name paged at an airport. Cappuccino Brown. To wake everyone up. I get it. Oh, that's not why Iino Brown. To wake everyone up. I get it. Oh, that's not why I said it, but I like it. I get it. Works for me.

Where you from? St. Louis. Do you drink cappuccinos? Not at all. I don't, actually. You never do. I don't. And it's not even your real name.

But you don't even drink cappuccinos. I like to keep people up. Is that true? What does that mean? Coke dealer. Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, why didn't you go with cocaine brown?

Sounds like the worst cocaine. What's the most fun thing that's happened to you since you've been in L.A. since January? Hmm. This. How about other than this? Do you find yourself in traffic a lot? I think the most fun... What's a fun thing?

How long have you been doing stand-up? I don't have one for the most fun. It's a lot of fun things. Do I sound like Big Sean? Is that what it is? All right. Everybody's getting that vibe? Beware, beware, beware.

Nothing fun? No highlights of your entire trip? Honestly, coming from St. Louis, this is all a dream. It's one of those things that you just appreciate it for what it is. Did you used to read Word Up magazine? Yeah. There you used to read Word Up Magazine? Yeah. There you go. You met him here. Cappuccino!

There he goes. Cappuccino Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Cappuccino Brown. He's got Twitter. Twitter? Cappuccino Brown is Cappuccino Brown on Twitter. Spelled like the drink.

Cappuccino Brown. Spelled like the brown drink. All right. Epic. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. Malik B. Malik B.

Malik Bees. What's up, y'all? Y'all good? I just had to argue with my girl, man. I just found out she ungrateful. She is. Like, all the time, she's ungrateful. You ever bit your woman earlobe during sex on some freaky shit?

Right? Bit her earlobe to steal her earrings and give it to a real girlfriend. You ever did that? My girl didn't appreciate the earrings. All she saw was the cheating. Do you know how hard it is to take a stud off with your tongue? And the thing is, she don't understand I'm a dog.

That's how I got her. She want to be innocent. Now, I got her off the corniest pick-up line ever. I simply said, damn, you must be Batman when it want to be innocent now. I got her off the corniest pickup line ever. I simply said, damn, you must be Batman when it comes to the titties. Because looking at them breasts, you got them.

My girl thought she was innocent or something. I'm going to leave y'all with this. I'm going to leave y'all with this. I know this is going to sound weird. You will never ride inside the car with me if you tie your shoes standing up. Just know that.

Malik B., ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. That Gotham joke was great, but maybe pause or something. Because you said it so fast, I was like, wait a second. What happened? I literally just thought of that two days ago. Thank you, Jeff. Thank you. So that wasn't really a pickup line that worked on it?

Nah, I just thought of that too. But it sounds dope like it would get picked up. I don't know what this Me Too stuff going on, but I feel like just eliminate that and then you would, you know, whatever, how you look at it, Tony. Travel back to the 1990s. Not a problem.

Yeah. Your tits are like Batman because you got them? No, you say you got to tell her, you got to tell her, like, damn, you must be Batman when it comes to the titties. Because looking at them breasts, you got them. I'm sorry that I took so many of those words out of it. Yeah, you don't need to say all that extra stuff. Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah. Well, how did you say it? How did you say it? Say it those words out of it. Yeah, you don't need to say all that extra stuff. Oh, yeah, you're right. Well, how did you say it?

How did you say it? Say it again. He said it. He said, looking at them titties, you got them. Yeah, you're like, because I'm looking at the titties and you got them. You got them titties, girl. Like, that'd be funny.

You got them titties. But where does Batman come in at? He doesn't even know why it's funny. He doesn't even get the joke. What? I think you heard a better joke Than what he actually said You didn't say shit about Batman You just said Gotham

Did you say your titties are like New York In a comic Holy shit I like my girls dumb So I want them to like Get the joke Get the pick up line What the fuck I like my girls dumb, so I want them to get the joke. I mean, get the pickup line. What the fuck?

Wait, wait, wait. Not joke. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, no. You like your girls dumb? Yeah. Are you four wheel? Why would you want dumb girl?

Because I feel like- They're less likely to press charges. They don't know where the courthouse is. Yeah. They don't know how to get on Maury. What's your favorite thing about...

What's your favorite thing about hooking up with a dumb girl, Malik? Well, I can get away with a lot. The pussy? Like... Like, um...

Sorry. I thought you quit. You really got... You really have to get him his own microphone back there because he has to keep getting up every time. He doesn't really have to keep getting up every time. Got to get that kid a seatbelt. Yeah.

Need a car seat. Can somebody bring a car seat next week for Joel Berg? All right. Joel Berg is in the shop for the weekend. Malik, I want to answer out of you. What's one of your favorite things about hooking up with a dumb chick? It's easy. You can get away with a lot.

You can steal out her purse and help her look for the money in the morning. Wow. Holy shit. That's hilarious. Oh, hey, I found your money. It's in my pocket. By that definition, would that make your mom a dumb chick? He's saying that you stole out of your mother's purse.

Wait, why would I hook up with my mom? I don't know. She's around. That's corny. That's what we call off-roading. You ever think you're hooking up with a dumb chick and you wake up to her the next morning and she's smarter than you thought? She's reading a book or something

and you're like, get the fuck up out of my studio apartment. Well, then I'll check my wallet and see if any money is missing out of my studio apartment. Well, then I'll check my wallet, see if any money is missing out of mine. Wow, you steal. Your way of thinking somebody's smart is how much they can steal from you in a given amount of time.

Well, love is hard to find out here in L.A. You understand that. It's true. One time I was working on a carburetor. It turned out I was actually working on a tranny. We don't say that anymore. It's carb. What do you do for work

when you're not stealing out of dumb chicks' purses? I'm an actor. I've been in... Anybody seen Creed or Burning Sands or SWAT? Yeah, Drumline,

Drumline 2. Hell yeah, totally. I've seen them all. No, he looks like Michael B. Jordan is the joke he made. He named all Michael B. Jordan movies. Oh. No, I'm really in there, though. That's my, yeah, real talk.

Like, no, I still out your purse, but I have money. If anybody, just everybody want to hook up with me later, I have money. What did you do in the movie Creed? I was the sparring partner. He came to my gym. Go watch the movie. We've all seen the movie.

Oh, you did? Okay, well, my name is Amir. Do you all remember Amir? I'm going to go watch the movie. No, Doug, come on. Don't watch the movie. Doug does love movies. We're filming.

We're training for Creed 2 as well. Oh, you're going to be in Creed 2 as well? Yeah. Wow, they hired you as a sparring partner again in the second movie. Creed 2, even higher. I guess I'm getting even higher, I guess. Yeah.

If that makes sense. What's the last project you worked on? SWAT, that comes out. Y'all seen SWAT, right? It was an old TV show then they remade it as a movie but now I guess they're doing it again. What did you play on SWAT? I played the

prisoner if that makes sense. I play when they're taking over, it's a riot in the TV show and they took over the prison and they send a SWAT to get in. I die, spoiler alert. It comes out first. You sure this isn't Star Trek? What do you like to do for fun?

What do you like to do? Any fun, guilty pleasures? Like any big arcade fan or something like that? Nah, well, I play 2K. Yeah, NBA 2K. How about what else? Other video games. That's all I guess the black males play on PS2.

You ever play Daytona USA? Daytona USA? Yeah, Daytona USA. What the fuck is that? Daytona USA came out in 1995. I like his mustache. Do you like NASCAR? Game recognize game.

Where did you say you were originally from? I'm from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Baton Rouge, Louisiana. And how long have you been in LA? For like 10 years. 10 years? Yeah. Wow.

And you really make a living acting? Yeah, like go check out Burning Sands on Netflix. I don't know why I got to promote it because, you know, actors get residuals. So the more y'all watch it, the more money we get. So if y'all just, you know, feel like doing something like a Good Calls or something like that, I feel like I'm on a go for me. Have you ever hooked up with any actresses we might know? Here we go.

Yeah. Yeah, come on. Tell us about it Yeah Tell us about the time You stole money Out of Tori Stelling's purse Tori Spelling

Tori Spelling We know you got some secrets Underneath the hood Come on Oh y'all really waiting For an answer Oh man I can't

Well Nah Cause why would I wanna Just tell us an ugly one It's okay I will say Well She was an extra though Why would I want to... Just tell us an ugly one. It's okay. I will say, well, she was an extra, though.

How extra was she? She was extra special. What set was that? How many seats? This was on Burning Sands. This was filmed in Virginia. She was extra and after the wrap party yeah, that

happened, I guess. But it wasn't a famous actor. You want to say Tessa Thompson or something like that. Oh, you had sex with Tessa Thompson? No. I like your style, Malik. She's a cutie. I like your style, Malik.

She's a cutie. I like the way that you dress. You're like a Trayvon Martin Lawrence or something like that. Tony, actually in high school, he was voted most likely to grip walk. He said grip walk?

What the fuck is going on? I thought you quit. Most likely to what or crip walk. What the fuck is going on? I thought you quit. Most likely to what? I'm trying. Grip walk? Grip walk? What is grip walk? What's a grip walk?

Grip walk. Grip walk? His mustache got in the way of his mouth, so he couldn't say it right. He just ripped off his mustache. Most likely to crip walk. Oh, there you go. That's the respect I deserve, god damn it. Thanks, Harpo Marks.

Malik B., ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. We met Malik. We're going to go back to the bucket. Malik B. Jordan. Yes. We're going to go back to the bucket in a little bit. But first, let's get a brand new minute from our regular who performs every

single week. She writes and performs a brand new minute on the show. You know her. You love her. Make some noise for the great and powerful Allie Makovsky, everybody. I'm a woman with a short haircut, so I know what you guys are all thinking. I bet she has a lot of opinions. I don't. I'm pretty dumb, actually. I, uh... Pretty dumb. I don't know.

People don't assume that I'm dumb because I don't really show off my tits I tried to get a job at Hooters it didn't work I did get a job at a different wings place this place is called Love Hot Wings they don't even let you decide

they tell you it should be called Our Hot Wings. Do you like them? I noticed the difference why I didn't get the job at Hooters. Hooters is all breasts, no thighs. I love Hot Wings. It's all thighs and no breasts. The only thing hot about the employees that love Hot Wings is the wings.

Allie McCoskey. And you really work at a place called Love Hot Wings? That's not the name of it because I don't want people to know. But yeah, I work at a wings place. Oh, interesting. That's cool. And it's not Hooters And it's not Hooters. It's not Hooters.

Which one? Let's list them. Buffalo Wild Wings. Wingstop. Juicy Wings. Juicy Wings. Wingy Wings. Red Wing.

What happened? That was fucking awesome. Well, he didn't. Allie. Allie, so what have you, what's a real thing about working at the wing place that... I got hit on. Oh, this, okay.

By a co-worker or the boss? No, no, no. By no one who works there. This guy came in and he said I had beautiful eyes and I was like, yeah, thank you. Wait, that's how you responded to it? Like, yeah, thank you?

Like Swedish supermodel or something? Yeah, thank you. That's what I do for work. Thank you so much. So grateful of your compliment. Had no idea that my eyes were so pretty. Aw. So surprised by your compliment. No.

You turned into Tommy Wiseau. No, he caught me off guard so I started blushing. How did he say it? He was like, hey, I just want to let you know you have really pretty eyes like that. Yeah, pretty much. And then you're like, yeah, thank you.

I was like, oh, my God, I'm blushing. What kind of wigs do you want? Oh, yeah, something like that. I love the way you like teriyaki wigs. Extra hot wigs. He had already ordered. He was just making small talk at this point. I think it was big talk.

That's some ballsy shit. How many guys here in this room have said to a woman that you're ordering stuff from something about her eyes? It's fucking straight up. I do it every time I'm at Hooters. You should. Just because it's fun because they know you ain't looking at those fucking eyes, Don. You know what I mean? What's up, right?

Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, your eyes are so pretty. I've been looking at them. Your eyes look so good in those orange shorts. Fuck yeah, dude. Look at. What do you have to wear at your wing place? You don't have to wear a sexy outfit, do you?

No, I'm just murdered out, all black. Oh, okay. Wow. That's sexy. Sounds like you work at a place called Yule Hate Wings. Welcome to Yule Hate Wings. I know, my eyes are so pretty. Murdered out sounds like the name of a Cash Money record.

Hey, look, everybody. It's Josh Martin. Josh, you ever tell a girl before that she has pretty eyes? No. No. He can't make eye contact. That's why.

Aw. You don't think... Ooh. Wait a second. He turned around quick. What's he gonna do? Uh-oh. Aw.

Aw. Aw. Aw. Oh, that was bad. For you podcast listeners, Josh Martin just raped Ali. I can't help it. For you podcast listeners, Josh Martin just raped Allie. He asked me before, though, so it's okay. It was consensual. All right. So he said pretty eyes. Yeah, so then fast forward. He asked me for my Instagram, and I'm like, cool, another new follower.

Very ungrateful. Thank you for my eyes. Thank you for the follow. It looks like some people are following too closely. It's another car reference. All right, I'll get out of Dodge. Yeah. Very well executed. Good joke mechanics. Well- Very well executed.

Good joke mechanics. Well being. Joke mechanics. So then he starts looking at my Instagram and he was like looking at me like it wasn't. And he's like dude you have like really pretty eyes dude. No he said he said he was like looking confused and I was like I know I

I'm a catfish and he says no you're photoshopped. And I was like, I know I am a catfish. And he says, no, you're photoshopped. And I was like, no, I'm photogenic. And then he said, no, you're photoshopped. But then he still followed me and DM'd me. And you guys were like, you want to write a Frasier spec together?

We have such sizzling chemistry. Oh, that was an interesting back and forth. Photoshopped more like photogenic. How much for the wings, bitch? Give me the fucking wings. Has anybody been rude to you since you've been working at the wings place? No, everyone's pretty chill.

Has anybody said to... Forget it. I think I know where you were going. I have a feeling in my gut. I was going to try to do a gotham joke. I think you have goth wings because you gotham. He didn't even know

he was doing that joke. That's the funniest part about it. That's insane. It was supposed to not make sense and we're like... We actually found a little bit of a gem there. I didn't hear the Gotham thing. You, like me, I think heard Doug say it because he saw us not

react and he literally said, he goes, Gotham. And I'm like, oh, Gotham titties. He still doesn't get it though. I don't think he still does. He's going to re-watch his part on Kill Tony I think a few times and maybe still not get it. Like, why would they laugh at Gotham? Gotham titties.

What's so funny about Gotham titties? Is it because they are darker in a dark neighborhood? A dark place? While he's stealing money. Did they put the bad signal on your titties? Because you got them! Did they put the bad signal on your titties?

Because I'm coming! There's a lot of Batman pick up lines you could do. He's robbing them. Take control of your titties. Oh, Bane. Is that Lego Batman? Lego Bane?

Yeah, he's in Lego Batman. Where is he? All right. I like when in Dark Knight Rises, when somebody disappears on Batman and he's standing there and he goes, so that's what that's like. Like there's no reason for him to do the Batman voice

when he's alone talking to himself. Like, there's no reason for him to do the Batman voice when he's alone talking to himself. By the way, that's another one of Malik's pickup lines. You have my Dark Knight rising right now. Yeah. Ali Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. With another brand new minute. Great job.

We got ten minutes left in this motherfucker. Should we go to the bucket one more time, huh? We have a hard out in the belly room, these bastards. Going deep. Very good handwriting by Elliot Havens. Elliot Havens. All right.

I love the way our president treats global warming by just refusing to admit that it exists. I think that's a great strategy. I wish I could do that with my biggest problems. Like if my landlord was like, Elliot, the rent is due in two weeks. I could be like, listen, we both know the rent was made up by the Chinese to bankrupt the American economy.

I'm getting tired of Trump's fucking antics, you know? Like, Trump has had more Time magazine covers than the last four presidents combined. Isn't that insane? Especially because I just made it up. But it feels like... It feels like he's had a lot. Like, Obama never did anything that controversial.

The only controversial thing Obama did was say the N-word on Mark Maron's podcast, and everyone acted like he wasn't the 44th president to say the N-word. All right, is that good? There you go. Elliot Havens. You've been on this show before, right?

Yeah, a couple times. Elliot Havens. You've been on this show before, right? Yeah, a couple times. A couple times. The thing about the Time Magazine joke with Trump is that he was just famously told that he wasn't man of the year and that he wasn't going to be on the cover. So it's a little, you know, if people are keeping up like this audience is, it's a little confusing. But it's still a good joke. I'm excited to ask Elliot this question, Doug. How is it that with those three band members next to you,

you have the worst mustache out of everyone? Elliot has a mustache? Look at that thing. Look at that. It looks like Louis C.K.'s current pubes. Is it worse than Joel's? Yeah.

Yours looks... Like a 12-year-old Mexican girl. Wow. Alright. Thanks, Roy Moore. That's my mother! She's a saint! Joel. I don't understand

really Joel's wig at all like I really don't get how you would become like what is this little orphan Annie mechanic thing that you're doing like you pick the red wig to go with your oh I didn't pick it it was given to me cappuccino

oh fuck Elliot what's the have I asked you before with the It was given to me. Cappuccino brown. Oh, fuck. Elliot, have I asked you before what the creepiest thing about you is? I mean, you look like an eternal school shooter. You look like you shoot schools of school shooters. You're like the boss. If there was a school shooter in the video game, you would be the Bowser of that show. It'd be great if there was a school shooting school that we could just go and then shoot all of them while they're in school.

Yeah, it's like, yeah. He looks like he draws Napoleon Dynamite anime. I love how Jeremiah's laughing still at that. He's just holding on his mustache. Yawning. He's just having a stroke and holding his mustache. Elliot, what's the scariest thing about you? I don't know.

I don't think there's that much. Come on. Don't you ever pour your period blood on your plants or anything like that? What about that time Kevin Spacey tried to hold you down and make love? Yeah. Let's talk about it. You get in that house of turds, you know what I mean? Do you know Anthony Rapp?

He looks like Anthony Rapp to me. A little bit. A little bit. Yeah, yeah. You look like the seventh most important character from the hit show Scrubs. Elliot, what do you do for work? I just quit my job. I'm looking for a new job. I'm trying to be a sign painter.

Oh, a sign painter. Homeless. Need food. Those are the signs that you're going to have. How are you trying to be that? It's a competitive market! All right. What type of signs do you want to write? Well, like, sign painting just is like...

Yeah, it's not like the golden days of Tom Sawyer. Yeah. All right, what have we been doing before sign painting? I worked for a sock company. Remember, he's the sock guy. Oh, you've been on a few times We've talked to you Did you know that you can dip period blood in socks

And it works really well That's why he lost his job at the sock company Because he told that to marketing It's a bad idea How did you lose your sock job I didn't lose it I was just tired of socks He lost it in the dryer It's a bad idea. How did you lose your sock job? I didn't lose it. I was just tired of socks.

He lost it in the dryer. That job socked? No, it was like part-time work. It was like four hours a day. Oh, okay. Just trying on socks? Like one foot in? He has to run back to his seat to give himself a rim shot. So how did you want to become a sign guy?

Also, what is your sign? I'm a Pisces. Do you like the song I Saw the Signs by Ace of Base? Do I like it? I haven't Pisces. And do you like the song I Saw the Signs by Ace of Base? Do I like it? I haven't heard it. I saw the sign and it opened up my mind. I saw the sign. No one's going to get it.

Be long. I saw the sign. All right. I guess we're just going to end fizzling out tonight. Elliot Havens, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. Oh, that's beautiful. That's the drawing.

Put your hands together for the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. He drew that's beautiful. That's the drawing. Put your hands together for the drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt. He drew that while you lazy asses sat there enjoying a show. Thanks to Josh Martin for his help. Doug Benson, what's going on? Oh, you know. Doug loves

the movies. By the time this episode comes out It's out right now. Oh, it is? Yep. We live stream. No, I know, but then when does it when can people listen to the archive version? A few days after. Okay. Okay, so douglosmovies.com will still be there.

So, Getting Doug With High. So just check that. Eating With Doug. For here in LA, we're doing a live Getting Doug With High at the Troubadour. You did one of those, Tony. Very much so. That's coming up in January. You have a show for everything. Eating, smoking,

pot. I'm excited to be on your new podcast, Sleeping with Doug. Well, there is. Doug Loves Sleeping is in the works. Oh, I like that. I just have to remember to hit record when I go to bed. You should just put a microphone in your sleep apnea mask. That's what I'm saying. I'm going to do it.

DouglasMovies.com Yes. Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. Pat Reagan, Joel Jimenez. What's going on, guys? Follow Tony Ingeglove and I in the weight gain challenge this month for December

and then we'll air the results on Tony Injlef and I are in the Weight Gain Challenge this month for December. We'll air the results on the 1st of January. We'll find out if I'm either going to host Kill Tony for an episode or if he's going to shave my head on stage. We will be in the main room on January 1st for a special New Year's Day episode of Kill Tony. Remember, we won't be here for Christmas, unfortunately. We'll be here for Christmas. We just won't be performing, probably. Patty Reagan, who are we endorsing?

What's going on this week? Anything? Yeah. Pat wants you to see stand-up on the spot every second Tuesday of the month here in the Belly Room of the Comedy Store and to follow Pat on social media at JeremiahStandUp. Yep. Joelberg, Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. A crowd favorite.

I apologize for my behavior. I'm mostly sorry. I love you guys. Thanks. Fuck yeah. It's why they call it an accident. I do want to say something. I'm posting videos from my archives every day.

On YouTube? Just online. Fuck yeah. Good luck finding them, you assholes. Just keep searching Pat Reagan videos. All right. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm going to be in performing stand-up in Philly

and other great places. That's all TonyHinchcliffe.com. Chicago, Illinois, other places too. I heard a rumor you might be on one of my holiday taint shows in Irvine

at the Improv. That is, there are definitely rumors of that. It's a rumor. Unconfirmed rumors. Next Wednesday, I'll be at the

Ontario Improv with the Smash Brothers and Earthquake. So check that out. Nice. See you guys. Good night, everybody. We'll see you on the patio

take care bye The one for me. Isn't that enough? Eyes for the sun. Open up my eyes. Eyes for the sun. Life is demanding. Without understanding. Eyes for the sun.

Open up my eyes. Eyes for the sun. No one's gonna drag you up. To get into the life where you belong. Where do you belong? Bye.