KILL TONY - KILL TONY #243

Episode Date: January 5, 2018

SteveO, Kirk Fox, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 01/01/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute?

I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winningning in an exciting live dealer studio exclusively on FanDuel Casino where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca

Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to a very special episode of Kill Tony, the Weight Game Challenge Final. That's right, Jeremiah and Tony are about to weigh in to see who gained the most weight in the month of December. If you want to find all the past episodes we've done, go to DeathSquad.tv. That's the King Daddy website. We have every episode we've ever done there.

We also have past episodes of all the podcasts that we've done. You can also click on tour dates to find out where we're at next. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the real famous Comedy Store on Sunset Boulevard. Every first and third Friday we're at the Ice House in Pasadena, California for the Death Squad Chronicles. We also have a big Death Squad show coming up in the main room this month, January 21st. So check that out. We also have Kill Tony going on the road. That's right. February 1st, Kill Tony is going the road. That's right.

February 1st, Kill Tony is going to be in Houston, Texas. At the Secret Group, we're doing Kill Tony and a comedy show. And then the following day, we're going to be in Dallas. So go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for more information. Also, TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's where you can find the Golden Ponies tour dates. He's going to be in Zanies on January 11th to the 13th. And he's going to be at Helium January 25th to the 27th. Enjoy that weather, Tony.

So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Tony Hinchcliffe. Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He has a new Kill Tony book. Oh, everything. Tony Hinchcliffe. Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He has a new Kill Tony book. Oh, my God. It's so sweet. It's a book.

He draws every episode. It's all the drawings he's done. He's shipping it out now. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. Speaking of merch, ShopSquad.TV 2018 catalog is available now. We got a new hat. A pill hat, which is amazing. It's the Death Squad pill cat.

We also have a thermal, which is probably my favorite shirt I've ever made, and it's very comfortable and warm. We also have some Death Squad shirts in stock and the new Death Squad mug. Go to shopsquad.tv.

You can also find the Kill Tony shirt there. There's only a couple left. We're about to introduce the new Kill Tony shirt. So if you want to pick one up before they're gone forever, go to shopsquad.tv for everything. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world famous comedy store in 2018 for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hatchclay! A brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for Tony. It's clear. Fuck yeah. Welcome, everyone. Hello. Look at this packed main room. Make some fucking noise. Fuck yeah.

We are here at the number one live podcast in the world. There's Josh Martin right there. This is Brian Redband, everybody. Hey, guys. What's up? House artist Ryan J. Ebelt is here drawing tonight's episode. While you all sit there lazy He's actually making history The new Kill Tony the book

Is my new favorite thing that sits around my house And it's shipping now It's finally shipping out RyanJEbelt.com To get the new book Now We would like to make a huge announcement Do you guys like huge announcements?

I know I do. February 1st, Kill Tony Live in Houston, Texas. That's our third time going to Houston in a year. Ooh, another announcement. Double breaking news. Friday, February 2nd, Kill Tony Live in Dallas, Texas. Every show we've ever done in Texas is sold out, so this one will be no different. Get your tickets immediately.

And we're doing comedy shows also. We're doing Kill Tony and comedy shows. Yep, stand-up shows the rest of the weekend. Me, Red Band, the band. So that'll be a lot of fun. Get to see us all live doing Kill Tonys and stand-up comedy. Did I forget the... I forgot the fucking thing back there.

Yeah, I forgot the hair cutter. Hey, can somebody give me the hair trimmers? Yeah, I'll go grab it for you. Why do you want to get hair cutters, Tony? For those of you that don't know, this entire month of December, one of my funniest friends and I, the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, have been trying to put on as much weight as... How many of you know about the weight gain challenge

for the month of December? A lot of people know about it, and what you might not know is that here tonight this could be used, this hair trimmer, on the golden goose, Jeremiah Watkins' hair. If he...

If I gained more weight than him, then we cut Jeremiah Watkins' hair. If I gained more weight than him, then we cut Jeremiah Watkins' hair here tonight. Jeremiah, where are you? You guys want to bring out Jeremiah Watkins? Make some noise for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Woo-hoo! Where's he at? The anticipation's killing me.

You would think we had all day to prepare for this. Oh, look at that fatty. Wow. Oh, he's bringing the entire band with him. Who would have guessed that he wouldn't be man enough to come out here on his own? Who do I have? I have Red Band in my corner. It's okay.

I'm bigger than both those guys. Hell yeah. Three guys. Jeremiah, how do you feel? You look sluggish. I feel terrible, Tony. For those of you that don't know, we've taken two completely different approaches. If you haven't been following along on Instagram, I have been trying

to work out and gain muscle mass under the tutelage of my coach, Joe Rogan. And Jeremiah has taken the approach. Boo! Yeah, everybody hates Joe Rogan. Boo, Joe Rogan! And Jeremiah

has taken the approach of... Pre-diabetes, right? Yeah, of Colonel Sanders and decided to... What kids? What kids? What kids? All right. So, all right. And to close this out in front of all you guys, and also, if Jeremiah gained more weight than me,

if he did, then he gets to be the host of Kill Tony next week, and I will be joining the band. If he gained more weight than me. Now, we weighed in on December 1st, and I guess we're going to weigh out right now and I tried to get my friend and good friend of

the Kill Tony show from episode 100, the voice of the UFC Bruce Buffer. I wanted to get him here to announce our official weighing out weights. However, he could not make it due to family New Year's Day obligations but Bruce Buffer decided to send in a little recording.

So we're just going to go along with the recording from the great Bruce Buffer. And I guess it goes a little something like this. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the official weigh-in for Weight Gain December. official weigh-in for Weight Gain December. Brought to you by Kill Tony, Death Squad, Golden Pony Productions, and Squirt, a refreshing beverage since 1963. And now, it's time! Weigh in first, he's the host of Kill Tony, and is one of the top young rising comedians in the world. He stands five feet nine inches tall with a December first weight of 138

and one half pounds. From Youngstown, Ohio, via Los Angeles, California, he is the reigning, defending, undisputed

flyweight comedy champion of the world, Tony, the Golden Pony, Hinchcliffe! Hinchcliffe! All right, here's the official weigh-in for Tony Hinchcliffe! All right, here's the official weigh-in for Tony Hinchcliffe. He weighs 142 pounds. What did he start off at, Jeremiah? What did you start off at? 138.5. 138.5.

138.5 By my math, that is three and a half pounds of pure motherfucking muscle. And his opponent, in the band corner, he is a member of the Wave, the Comedy Jam, the Kill Tony Band. He stands six feet three inches tall, originally weighed in at 166.4 pounds. From Overland Park, Kansas, he is the careless whisperer, the pig man.

Meg Ryan, if she was missing a chromosome, he is Jeremiah, the golden goose. What can? All right. Jeremiah. Carrying at least two pounds of moles on his back. I mean, Jesus Christ, what is that? All right, here we go. Jeremiah is going to get on the scale.

Who here thinks he may have gained more than two and a half pounds? Everybody in the world! It was 166 when he weighed in December 1st in real life. Oh my god. What is it? 196. 196! What is it? $196.

$196. Oh, my God. Oh, Roger! It's not on. Wait, did you really say 196? You gained 30 fucking pounds? 30 fucking pounds. A pound every single day of the month of December. The same Joe Rogan that backed Tony Hinchcliffe

told me that I would die this month if I kept this up. Well, guess what, Joe Rogan? I gained 30 pounds in a month, and I'm still ticking. There you go. and I'm still ticking. There you go. All right. There we go.

Wow. And I still got all the perks of seeing what Jeremiah's face looked like if I got to cut his hair for a second there. That's paying homage to our friends from Jackass, Rick Kozik, and Wee Man out there I got a little inspired this holiday week re-watching their movies and I just improvised that in the moment and the look on your fucking face

when you thought that I took a piece of those golden locks out like I would possibly cut that fucking Lannister hair without the Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. 30 pounds. He will be hosting Kill Tony next week. I will be joining

the band. I think I might have a little something up my sleeve for that. That'll be fun. Tune in to Kill Jeremiah next week. Live at the Comedy Store. 30 pounds. 30 fucking pounds. That's fucking amazing.

I didn't even know that was possible. It's fucking disgusting is what it is. Unbelievable. Jeremiah's wife's in the corner back there. I hope you're proud of your little fat boy. You guys having fun so far? Should we start the show? How about that?

That's not even the fucking show. God damn it, we haven't even started the show yet. So let's bring out our guests. Two of my absolute favorites. They've both been guests on this show before. Always shockingly hilarious. Insanity always ensues. This week's no different.

Put your hands together for Steve-O and Kirk Fox. Oh shit. There's Kirk Fox. And there's Steve-O. Make some noise, people. Fuck yeah.

What do you guys think about Jeremiah Watkins gaining 30 pounds in a month? Not bad, not bad. Good start. Just keep going. I just want to know if he enjoyed it. Because if I did that, I would love it. He really did.

Just Reese's. I can tell you for I would love it. He really did. I mean, just Reese's. I can tell you for a fact he did. Butterfingers. Not near the end, though. He actually hates it now, right now. He can't wait

to eat healthy now. I mean, he went to the doctors and actually they said, you're pre-diabetic right now. Like, your cholesterol and everything

is so high right now. We're all pre-diabetic. The doctor told me that. He probably had a bet with someone else that he could get diabetes. He might be hosting somebody else's podcast, too.

Dude, the doctor told me I'm pre-diabetic. Really? Yeah, he said I'm skinny fat. He said that my... It's like a real thing. Like, I've got fat all over my organs.

And like he says, keep it up, and in five years you'll have diabetes. So keep it up, man. Just fucking... Just fucking stay strong. Trust yourself, Steve-O. Fucking good to complete something.

That's right. Well, I'm excited about tonight's show. You guys have both been guests before. Everything's right down the middle. We're going to have another fun episode here tonight. And this is the part of the show where I bring out the band that's going to be joining us tonight. Every single week, they commit to characters. It's always different.

I never know what they're going to do. They are the best damn band in the land. Put your hands together for the Kill Tony Band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Wow, what is this going to be? A little Enya. Oh, what is this going to be? A little Enya? Oh, wait a second. We've never seen this group before.

Yoga guys. Yoga instructors? Are you fucking kidding me? Wow. Wow. All right. That's a downward dog. That's a downward facing pig.'s a downward-facing pig. 30 pounds, you fucking pig.

You disgusting monster. Oh, look at that. Look at those flaps. Wow, okay, they're doing... Wow. That's missionary. Clearly this is... Wow, okay, they're doing... Wow. All right. That's missionary. Clearly this is Jeremiah and the corpse of Amy Winehouse.

We don't have to tip, right? We don't have to give them a couple bucks? No, definitely not. Oh my God, Jeremiah, look at the way you're built. You are completely back to that shitty shape you were in. What was the go-to pound fucking packer? You were putting Butterfingers on a lot. Tamales, Butterfingers, a lot of ice cream right before sleep.

A lot of ice cream right before sleep. I melted ice cream and I drank it for breakfast a few days in a row. And don't forget about your official sponsor. Will you keep that on? Are you going to try and lose it? No, I can't wait to get healthy. I feel terrible. What are you going to do to get healthy?

Yoga. So you guys are yoga instructors. We are yogi, yes. Wow. It's so cool when Robert De N are yogi, yes. Wow. It's so cool when Robert De Niro does it, Christian Bale for major acting roles. Did you have any real reason? Kevin Nealon asked me, he's like,

oh, so are you getting ready for a movie? I'm like, well, yeah, I haven't booked it yet, but yeah. You look happier. You look happier You look happier Shout out also to LA Speedweed How about make some noise for the first day of legalized marijuana in the state of California

Why not? Shout out to that Shout out to Kill Tony Look at this room, it's fucking packed Shout out to us Tony Look at this room it's fucking packed Hell yeah shout out to us First episode of 2018 Which we're also in six months Going to be celebrating our five year anniversary

Of this show doing it for five fucking years Little long You know Jay You said 2018 And I decided this is the year when I start saying 2018 Ah 2018 Yeah it only took what 18 years 18 and I decided this is the year when I start saying 2018. It only took 18 years.

Does it sound better? Does it sound better when you say it? Is it quicker? Yeah. It's a thing, man. It just occurred to me. Like, fuck. I'm surprised you got through those other years

saying them wrong. So everything's in position. We have the band, the guests, everything's ready to rock. So let's just do it. A bunch of human beings signed up earlier,

put their names on little pieces of paper on the patio out front between 6 and 7. 7.30 for the opportunity to get pulled out of it and perform 60 seconds on this stage.

Sometimes it's a brand new amazing comedian. Sometimes it's an insane person. How many of you out there are fans of the show? How do you guys? Oh, okay. You guys know how it works. If it's your first time signing up, you get 60 seconds if you're pulled out of the bucket.

You know the 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, Earl. You're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. He's coming in a car this week. All right. He drove here. All right.

Very good. You guys ready to start the show or what? Let's do this. It's Kill Tony. Live from the Comedy Store. Main room. Steve, why don't you scoot in this way a little bit? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So these people can get through. That angry bear sounds like Jeremiah's stomach, probably. He's hungry, growling. Jeremiah, what is that you have wrapped around your head? It's his hair. A head wrap. All right, I pulled a name out of the bucket. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what?

Here we go. Your first person performing 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Jason Rodriguez. An uninterrupted 60 seconds coming from Jason Rodriguez who's coming from the farthest corner. Here he comes. He's making his way up.

Here we go. Put your hands together for Jason Rodriguez, ladies and gentlemen. Hey. I'm 25 years old, which is too old to look like this. I look like I'm worried about prom. like this. I look like I'm worried about prom. It feels like when people see me, it's just assumed, like, oh, this guy, he likes fidget spinners, for sure. I'm Mexican, and I work with a lot of Mexicans, and I don't know how to speak Spanish. And they don't like that. They're not into it. Except for Miguel.

Miguel's cool. He was like, hey man, do you speak Spanish? I was like, no, I'm sorry. He's like, oh, you should learn because Mexicans, they're sneaky. It was weird. It was a weird thing to say.

Yeah. Doesn't make sense with the other stereotypes. Like, oh, look out for those Mexicans that mow your lawn when you least expect it. Walk into your bathroom in the morning like, who remodeled this? When did this happen?

Should have heard something. All right, cool. Good. Fuck yeah. Jason Rodriguez. It's your first time on the show, right? Yeah, yeah, it is. You're 25, huh?

25, yeah. What do you do for work? I work at P.F. Chang's. Wow. Yeah. I guess. A lot of Mexicans work at P.F. Chang's? It's all.

In the kitchen, yeah, it's all Mexicans. Never been in there, but I can imagine it. Yeah. How long have you worked at P.F. Chang's? Just a couple months. Interesting. Now, what do you do there, exactly? I'm a dishwasher.

Okie dokie. When you hear that sound, you know what that means. All right. All right. I think you did fucking great, bro. Oh, thanks, dude. I think you're a very attractive man. Thank you.

Yeah. Thanks. Looks like James Franco without the confidence. Yeah. Oh, man. I like you. You're very conversational. That was funny.

You made me laugh inside. But that's a start. I mean, if I can start there. Yeah. I think that the whole being Mexican and not speaking Spanish, man, I think there's a lot to get out of that. That's fucking funny. Yeah, yeah. Do you really not speak Spanish and you're Mexican?

Yeah. I know a couple words and that's it. You're from L.A.? Long Beach. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'd like to hear you elaborate on how, like, people react to that. Like, Mexicans reacting to that.

Like, I think there's a lot of good tags you can put in there. Okay. Yeah. I relate to that. Mexicans reacting to that. I think there's a lot of good tags you can put in there. Okay. I relate to that. What do people say when the Mexicans get mad at you? Mostly they're disappointed. Usually I just lie. It hurts, man. Disappointment hurts.

But is there a reason you don't want to speak Spanish? I wasn't raised very Mexican. I think in 2018 But is there a reason you don't want to speak Spanish? Well, I just wasn't raised very Mexican. You don't want to get out of the kitchen? I think in 2018, you know how you make New Year's resolutions? You should make learning Spanish your goal! Yeah. Oh, shit.

That's my Yogi Paddy Reagan right there. Yogi Paddy Reagan. Do you date outside your race? Sure. Sure? Like what other races have you dated? Like white. That was the other one.

How did that go? Did that go good for you? Not really. No, it was all right. It was all right? Yeah. Do you normally date? Are you really Mexican?

Yeah, I am. Yeah. I just thought it would be a great angle if you weren't. What? Did you say I wasn't raised that Mexican? Yeah, I am. I'd just not be a great angle if you weren't. What? I wasn't raised that Mexican. I wasn't. What are the two words that you do know? Paquito. It means little.

And moss, because you work there? What's the other word? Grande is one. Wow. You learned that from Starbucks. I like the fact that I know more Spanish Than a Mexican You do, I'm sure It's crazy You're built for a comedy future

You're already dressing like Larry David on a day off It's impressive, Jason What do you do for fun? What's something that you're into? You're a 25-year-old from Long Beach. You got a Tamagotchi or something like that? No. I like going to movies.

I like seeing indie flicks. Ah, Peliculas. Yeah. I don't know. La Cinema. I knew that one. Puto Delgado. What's your favorite movie that you've seen recently?

El Mariachi. I just saw Star Wars. I liked it. Yeah? Yeah, I liked it a lot. What would you like about it? It was different from the other movies in some ways. You mean like it was really long, like very vintage?

It was too long. Well, this one was true, right? This was the true one. El Jedi final. Did you guys see that by yourself? I want my dad. Aw, isn't that adorable. Does he speak Spanish?

No. He doesn't. He doesn't either? No, he doesn't, no. No? That's kind of why also. Both my parents don't speak Spanish. So you guys came to America and just said,

let's just fucking never speak Spanish again. I guess. Solo English. That way they won't know we're Spanish and we can stay here. How many generations of the family live in America? Three or four, I think. Cuatro generaciones. How many live in your living room?

None. It looks like none of your family speak Spanish. This is good, man. This is a good angle. Cool, thanks. Other than going to movies, what else do you do for fun or a hobby of yours or something like that?

Besides forgetting your heritage. Coco. Coco. I don't really do much, really, at all. It's just comedy. Well, with that attitude, you're going to spend a lot of time at P.F. Chang's. Yeah, probably will.

Muy triste. Love life good? You got a girlfriend right now or something? No, no. How's that? What's going on with that? I just don't have one. You on any dating sites or anything like that?

If you speak Spanish, you would increase your odds of meeting a girl. Yeah, it's the language of love. You can meet Americans and Spanish. When's the last time you went on a date? A couple months ago. Where'd you meet her at? She was a comic.

How'd that go? It was okay. We dated for a while Why didn't it work? You feel Her attitude? Just shit? No not at all

She was a little mopey, quiet No What? Did you eat her panocha? Aye aye aye No. What? Did you eat her panocha? Ay, ay, ay. I think you're funny, man. You're subtle. That'll work.

Yep. Thanks. Yep. It was nice to meet you, Jason. There he goes, Jason Rodriguez. Bye. 60 seconds from Jason Rodriguez's first time on the show. That's fun.

Good job, man. Meeting a young buck from Long Beach. I've seen guys like that come up through the ranks. Matt Edgar and those fun types. Matt speaks Spanish. Yeah, Matt does speak more Spanish than him, and Matt is white as fuck. All right, this looks like another new name.

Put your hands together for Josh Soma. Josh Soma. Not seeing any movement. Oh, this could be him. I believe this is Josh Soma approaching the stage. Here he comes. Holy shit. All right. So I like having sex with larger women. And it's not because they're the only ones who will have sex with me. It feels kind of like community service. Because at first you're like, oh, shit, I don't want to do this. But then once you're doing it, this whole thing is kind of bigger than me.

You realize that. It's okay. I can tell that joke. Because my girlfriend's not fat. Yet. I'm working on it, definitely. And I forgot my last joke, I think. I had one more. Tell the first one again.

First one again? Oh, now I got it. So I love my girlfriend. I think we can get through a lot together, even if she went blind. I think I would stay there with her, and I'd really help her, and I would probably learn sign language. Well, we've got to hear the end of it. You want to finish it? Go ahead, Josh.

Finish that joke. Why would you learn sign language if she went blind? Well, because it can't all be about her. I have to have my vent because I'll be there to comfort her, but then at the same time I could be telling her, like, I want to fuck her sister and just be over it. Yeah. Maybe we should have stopped at the cat.

and just be over it. Yeah. Maybe we should have stopped at the cat. Am I crazy right now, or, like, out of it? But why would you learn sign language if she went blind? That doesn't make any sense, because she's blind. Because I need to vent. When I'm comforting her with my voice,

I can be sign languaging whatever the fuck I want. That's a real... That's more like a joke for, joke for a cartoon or something like that. You literally have to paint the picture. There's a beginning of a joke. You have to picture it. You have to say, picture it, everybody. Can you do that? Say that, Josh.

Picture it, everybody. There you go. Very good. Is that a fat-a-phobe word? Because you're really fat-a-phobic. I like having sex with larger women. But then you just kept going after it. Like you're really angry at heavy people.

Is this really true? Do you really like hooking up with larger women? Yeah, I enjoy it every time I've done it. How often have you done it? Less than ten times. Less than ten times. How fat are we saying? Are we saying just a little chubby or like Gordo?

Like kind of fat or Jeremiah fat? Imagine me on top of you. Do you like it or not? I'm always on top of you. Do you like winners? So your girlfriend's not fat, though, so you're going against what you are attracted to. Well, I date her, so it's fine.

Is she deaf? Is she blind? No, she's good. For right now, she's good. How long have you been with her? Two and a half years. Wow. What does she do? She is at school with me also. You're at school. What are you studying? I study finance and accounting. Finance and accounting.

What are you going to do with that? Tax accounting and then come here as much as I can. Josh, how did your neck get so thick? What do you do to work out your neck exactly? Yeah, you have a fat neck. Is that from going down on fat girls? There's a lot of cholesterol. That helps a lot, but I wrestled for 10 years.

You wrestled for 10 years. Where at? Where are you from? I'm from SoCal. With your sexuality? Joelberg is here, everybody. I love the chant. You are very white, I will say that.

Oh, yeah. I had a white joke, but I was like, ah. What's your white joke? Let's hear it. I want to hear this. We're looking at it. We don't need the joke. I know I look like the kind of guy that gets escorted politely to a police car.

No, no. Okay, now do good. It's a good show. It's a good show. It's a good show. It's just an intro self-deprecating kind of thing. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time ever.

Wow. the intro self-deprecating kind of thing. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time ever. Wow! There it is. He's powered up. I'm glad we were here to see it. Yeah, I'm glad to do it. I like you. I believe in you. Like if I need a white guy to do something stupid,

you're my guy. He's my hero to do something stupid. Oh, yeah. You're my guy. He's my hero. I take offense to that, bro. I look up to Steve-O. Do you have a job? I do tax accounting right now, but right now I'm just coaching a high school. You're coaching a whole fucking high school?

An entire high school? Just life coaching? For wrestling. Here's how you have the thickest neck. All right, high school. I'm your coach. All the fat girls to the left. Who knows sign language?

I'll take you to the championship. What are you coaching, Josh? I'm coaching wrestling. You're a wrestling coach. How long have you been doing that? I'm coaching wrestling. You're a wrestling coach. How long have you been doing that? Be careful with that. I did it like volunteer. I volunteered for my high school when I was in high school for like the kids team. I bet you did.

For like three years. How old are you? I'm 21. 21. And is it legal to do people's taxes before you graduate tax school? I'm just an intern right now. So I do taxes, but I don't sign off on it. He doesn't turn them in.

I can't sign my name out. So your dad made you wrestle when you were younger. That's the only real way to get into that, right? My dad made me play baseball, and I hated baseball. So then he's like, you don't want to play baseball? Then you're going to wrestle. My brother bullied me into it. All right.

Why did you hate baseball? I was not good enough for it. I'm too clumsy. And how long have you been wrestling with your past? Every day. Is your dad proud of you that you're doing stand-up tonight for the first time? Is he here encouraging you? No, he doesn't really care.

He's like, oh, just keep doing taxidermy. What does he do? He drives trucks. What kind he do? He drives trucks. What kind of trucks? Like semis. Like a truck driver. Yeah. So he's a truck driver.

Sadly, yeah. I don't know, man. I think there's some money laundering scheme going on over here. All right, son, if you could just get a high school in the back of this truck. So you think your dad's really a truck driver? Or is that just how he cheats on your mom? school in the back of this truck. So, you think your dad's really a truck driver? Is that just how he cheats on your mom? Maybe back in the day, but not now.

He's rough. Back in the day, but not now? It looks like he's pregnant. Did we get a weight out of you out of what you think the biggest girl you've ever hooked up with was? Over 200 pounds. How many semis have you driven? How long did it take for you to pin her? To pin her?

Yeah. Oh, it was quick. Don't worry, it was quick. That's where the wrestling comes in. Where'd you meet her at? Huh? Where'd you meet her at? College at my... P.F. Chang's.

What do you remember most about, like, what stood out to you about her weight? Like, were the lights on when you guys had sex? Oh, no, the lights weren't on in here either. I was pretty gone. Have you turned them back on yet? Huh? But you've turned them on since, correct? Those lights on inside your head?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've done it. Seems a little dark. I'm just seeing if... How many times do you think you've gotten a concussion out there on the wrestling mat? Oh, that's why I stopped wrestling. I got eight. Wow. Wait, what was the question?

You got eight? How many concussions has he gotten? Oh, I thought you said erections. No. How many erections have you gotten in your wrestling career? Good question. Eight. That's why I had to stop.

I don't know what's going on right now. I pinned him and I fucked him at the same time. But he's had his hand in his pocket this entire set. I don't know what's happening over right now. Last one. I pinned him and I fucked him at the same time. But he's had his hand in his pocket this entire set. I don't know what's happening over there. Keeping the erection down. Everything you do, you do less than ten times. You have sex with BBWs less than ten times. The second thing that you just said, you do that less than ten times.

And you've done stand-up less than ten times. Everything he does. I don't do much. He does less than ten times. How do you know you've had a concussion? How do you know it's a concussion? Like, it counts. I've been knocked out twice or three times,

but then every other time I get a searing headache and I can't really think straight. Because I want to know how many concussions I've had. You don't know? I could have had more too. I've got some undiagnosed ones. Did you ever have any crazy wrestling coaches? Oh yeah. Do you still let your wrestling coach cut your hair?

Awesome. No one cuts my hair anymore. I'd actually let you do my taxes. I think you're going to do just fine in life. Yeah, only eight concussions. I trust you with everything. Fuck yeah. Alright, Josh. Well, did you have fun? Is this something you've always

wanted to do? stand-up comedy? How does it feel? It's good. I've wanted to do it for a couple of years. You've wanted to do it for a couple of years. But it took you two years to what? It took me about two years to get the courage and the time. And then it was WTC.

You didn't have time until you got up here and do 60 seconds? No. In two years, you couldn't sleep right now. I was a sleeper in the 360. I like your style. Since you wrestle and like bigger women, how many triple H-sized boobs have you seen? Sadly, none.

I knew it was going to bomb. It's really smarter than it was funny, but it was still good. Oh, I'm smart. Thank you. As someone who does taxes, whenever you have sex with a large woman and you come early, do you ever say,

oh, that was W2 soon? Jesus Christ. You should open with that next time. All right. So what's the answer? I usually don't with them. Have you ever hooked up with any girls that are 10-40 easy?

The larger women, usually. Get a lot on your return for that? Alright, stupid. Josh, anything else you want to say? This is it. You're in front of your hero, Steve-O. You're in front of Kirk Fox. I mean, I'll be back.

I don't know. I'll be back around. Alright, little Arnold Schwarzenegger for you. I've always wondered what it would be like if Arnold Schwarzenegger said that without his accent. Just very normally and boringly. I'll be back.

I'll be back. It's maybe my first time but it is not my just, I'll be back. I'll be back. It's maybe my first time, but it is not my last. I will be back. I am on my way. He's got the neck for it. Thickest neck in comedy on his first day, Josh Soma, ladies and gentlemen, popping his cherry here today. All right.

Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there? huh? alright put your hands together for Kyle Anderson how's it going everybody I'm trying to get you out of here. I'm trying to get you out of here. How's it going, everybody? I was unemployed recently. I had to sell my blood plasma to get by.

And you know, when you're that level of poor, you're like, maybe I get rid of some of this blood I'm not using. Some of you guys judging me, that's fine. It's the first of the month, rent's due. I got 85 bucks burning a hole in my veins. Start to think about money in a whole different way. You're like, all right, my car insurance, that's three pints.

Want to take out the girlfriend, that's a pint, pint and a half easy. This guy gets it. This guy gets it. You guys can laugh, judge me. That's fine. Joke's on you. I'm a gallon away from a trip to Europe.

I'm going to see the sights. I'm going to be woozy, but I'll be there. Fading in and out of Paris. Blood bank, though, it's not fair. It's not equal. You know, ladies, they're letting you, you know, you're bleeding every month for free. I'm running a small business out of my left arm.

I'll end on that. Thank you. Kyle Anderson. Oh, yeah. Hello. Welcome. Nice to meet you, Kyle. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, yeah, man. How's it going? Great, man.

Long time listener. This is awesome. Thank you. Fuck yeah. You guys ever sell plasma when you were younger in college or anything? I used to do it all the time. No? No, I think that's just a thing that guys that are shaped like you and Kyle Anderson

did. Hey, man. We got a lot of extra plasma. You guys literally look like twin brothers or something. Oh, I'm sorry. The look on your face. To be fair, they turn away guys Tony size. They don't.

Wait, what? What the hell did you just say? You son of a bitch. They do. Yeah. That's right. They wouldn't let you. The fuck did you just say?

I'm sorry. God damn it. I have the government test drugs on me for money. There's a lot more money in that. Yeah. Yeah, I got like two grand in a couple weeks. What was the drug? It was called Ractopamine Hydrochloride.

It didn't make it. It's not legal. And they were trying to make it legal so they could give it to pigs and cows. It would make the pigs and cows have more muscle and less fat. Then why did you take it? Well, because if something's going to enter the human body, they have to determine how much the human body can withstand that shit. Did you sign up for that, or did they come looking for you?

The more dangerous the study, the more money there is. So you want to go big. Are you strapped for cash? I had no idea. Well, no, this was in 19, it was January 1994. Oh, okay. Kyle, what's the craziest thing you ever put in your body? Oh, man.

You look like you eat turkey legs daily. Like those big, like, like that one. Could you ask what was the craziest thing he put in his body? Yeah. And is it still in there? Is that the follow-up? I did, at a party,

I got really drunk and ate the worm from the tequila bottle while it was still alive. I don't think that's that big of a deal, really. Is that that big of a deal? How many times has your car been flipped over by brontosaurus ribs? What? It was a Fred Flintstone joke.

Wow. Very topical. 65 million years ago. Tony, I got a question for Kyle. Kyle, did you feel pressure coming up here? Like, high blood pressure? I thought you did a really good job, man. I liked the whole bit.

The beginning confused me, though. You said, like, I'm going to sell my blood plasma, I'm going to sell my plasma, and then you said, so I'm thinking, okay, you sell the plasma, but then you're talking about the blood. Do you sell both? Yeah, yeah, I guess I could clarify.

I think there's some clarity. Diversifying multiple streams of income. Oh, there you go. There you go. How old are you? 23. Wow, 23. What do you do for work?

I'm a video editor. I just moved here last month. From where? Vegas. That's where I came up. Wow. I know Ichabod. Vegas. Were you born at an all-day, all-you-can-eat buffet?

Were you born at the MGM Grand? I got out yesterday. I just got out. MGM Grande. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost six years. Oh, awesome. That's fine.

Well, then you better be funny. Have you actually given blood? Huh? Do you actually give blood? I did before I got a sweet video editor job in LA, but yeah, no, I used to have to give blood all the time. What do you edit? I edit for a YouTube channel. It's like a tech channel, so it's

not really comedy, but I'm trying to get to edit some for, you know, funny stuff. You edit for a YouTube channel? Yeah, yeah. Sweet-ass fucking job, man. Sweet-ass fucking job, brother. Is that how you're able to afford dress pants that look like sweatpants? You know, it's because I keep ripping them, so these are stretchy.

Wow. You rip them a lot, huh? Yeah, I was going through, there was a period of the summer where I would just keep getting in my car and just another pair of shorts. Wow. It probably would have been cheaper to get a higher car. At a certain point, if you made a graph, you could pinpoint. What kind of car do you have? I don't have time for that graph, but I like the suggestion.

What kind of car do you have, Kyle? I have a 2004 Jaguar. A Jaguar? A Jaguar. Uh-huh. So that's... Is that a bigger model or a smaller one? It's an XJ.

It's like a filthy rich grandma. I might drive it and be racist. Why'd you get that car? Because his filthy rich grandma died and left it to him. No. No, I had like $4,000 to spend. If you buy a super old nice car, it's like the same price as a super old Toyota. Humble brag, humble brag.

So, I don't know. I just drive a more comfortable couch, I guess. Well, that's good. That is funny. Thanks. Thanks. I was, yeah. So, you've lived here for what, a month?

Yeah, about a month. What part of town do you live in? North Hollywood. What do you do for fun? Have you found anything cool to do in LA? Anything like hobbies or anything like that? You collect any bells or anything? No, I mean, when I was in Vegas,

I would film for pro wrestling, like indie pro wrestling shows. Did you ever think about getting into wrestling? I mean, you sort of are a squared circle. Can we see how thick your neck is? How long have you been the captain of a 1950s football team? Get rid of my old frog! Red band!

So how long? Got held back last year year so about three years how about that anything else that you do for fun or have done for fun since being here in LA anything cool that you've seen or anything stand out to you different than Vegas definitely like driving here

is just like totally like everybody says it but like you actually get here it's just fucking terrible like it's like Vegas there's just a bunch of lanes and places for people to question do you feel that you are a little overweight a little I'm just and are you

working on that I mean do you exercise on this question no I'm just asking what he does for fun he's a big time listener yeah I mean I don't know literally a big but what I'm saying is are This is what he does for fun. He's a big time listener of Kill Tony. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Literally a big time listener. But what I'm saying is, are you working on trying to lose a little weight? There is sometimes.

I don't know, man. I've consistently just treated my body like shit and stayed this same shape for five or six years. I mean, it's bad because he was going to the doctor and And I like eat like all the time Like all the shit that he eats Ice cream at night? Right before bed baby What's your weapon of choice? Like what's really like your guiltiest pleasure? Reese's Puffs

Reese's Puffs? Yeah What the fuck are Reese's Puffs? It's candy for breakfast What else? What else? What else? Reese's cereal.

I wasn't being negative. I was just saying. No, I like it. This is very compelling. Trim it down a little for health reasons because you're funny. And, you know, if you don't make a change, you're going to die. Yeah, I'm at a bet. Like, I feel like I need to either, like, get, like, way fatter or kind of trim it back.

Do you have a girlfriend? Yeah, yeah, I do. I have a fiance. She moved out here with you a month ago? Yes, she did. Get back to the foods you a girlfriend? Yeah, yeah, I do. I have a fiance. So she moved out here with you a month ago? Yes, she did. Get back to the foods you like. Get back to the foods you like. So you decided to go the other way?

You said you want to get just big? I mean, that's the other option. I mean, I don't... What did your girlfriend do? I would go the other way. She works at the Wax Museum on Hollywood Boulevard. Is she wax or a real person? Yeah

Is she a model? You ever I mean I only talk to her at work You ever You ever wax that ass? How long has she been doing that? She was doing it for about six months with the one on the strip,

and then she transferred. She takes tickets and stuff. She collects dust. Does she hate the heat? Who do people say she looks like? That's a good question. She looks just like Demi Moore. Who do people say your girlfriend looks like?

If you had to describe her using a celebrity, who would it be? And does she love John Candy? I'd give it like a Tina Belcher in No. Wait, Tina Belcher? Yeah, from Bob's Burgers. She has kind of thick glasses. She chose a cartoon character as the description of your girlfriend?

I like that. Oh, my girl, she's like Lisa Simpson. You know what I mean? Oh, cherry pie. Jesus, Jeremiah. What is going on? Wax off. Is your girl

heavy? No, no. She's smaller, actually. Really? Does she ever tell you, like, you're hurting me? No, she just stops breathing, and then I'm like, okay. Do you have, like, sleep apnea? Do you ever wake up, like, and you stop breathing and stuff like that in the middle of the night yet?

Oh, is that what that is? No, I... My dad does, though. All those checks are in the mail for me. Your dad's a bigger guy. He's slimmed down now, but yeah, he's a bigger dude. And he's a truck driver? He's a chef at the Bellagio, actually. Wow.

I know. Do you know if you're pre-diabetic? Oh, I'm sure, but if I don't know, then I'm good. Imagine being fat. Heck yeah, dude. That's a good way to live. Can you imagine being fat and skinny fat?

I'm like skinny fat and then fat on top of the skinny fat, so it's insulated. Now, when you wake up every day, are you surprised? When I wake up every morning? Surprised and relieved. Surprised that there's more Reese Puffs in the cupboard. You know what I'm saying? I think you're funny, and I like you, and I just want you to get healthier. That's all I'm saying. Thank you, Kirk.

Yeah, you did great, man. I'm going to thank you about that, Kirk. Yeah. Thank you. How do you think you would start? If you had to start getting healthy, what's the first thing you would do tomorrow? Fucking salad. Man, that's bad that I can't.

Just a salad. Start off with a salad. In your comedy, do you have jokes about being fat? Yeah, yeah, no, totally. What's your best fat joke? That I look like a chubby kid that got kidnapped in the 90s. Like the age-progressed picture of a chubby kid that got kidnapped in the 90s. That's accurate.

Yeah, and it's... I've seen crime shows, I know. That's funny, I look like a guy who would kidnap a kid in the 90s. Yeah. There's Kyle Anderson, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter at Danger Anderson. Just saw him here.

Alright. Back to the bucket we go. Alright. Put your hands together for Sam All right. Back to the bucket we go. All right. Put your hands together for Sam Buck. Sam Buck. Here he comes. Make some noise for Sam Bach, ladies and gentlemen. I was driving home the other day and I passed by a house that had an official city sign that said Deaf Child on it outside of it.

That's fucked up for that kid. Not only can he not hear anything like my amazing comedy, but every time he looks out the window, he sees a sign announcing to the world his disability. That doesn't happen with other disabilities like blind children, maybe, but what terrible parent would tell their blind kid there's that sign out there, unless maybe they ran into it. oh, they're blind, kid, there's that sign out there, unless maybe they ran into it. But what if everyone had to have their main problem on a sign in their main house? I mean, I'd go to my ex-girlfriend's house for the first time, and there'd be a big sign that just said,

huge whore on it. Thank you. There you go, Sam Buck Clocking out at 53 seconds Hi Sam I knew the bar couldn't stay that high Sam, how's it going? Good, how's it going with you? Good, have you been on this show before?

Yeah, two years ago was my first time performing stand-up How's it been going the last two years? It looks like it's been a little bit rugged on you Yeah, it has This is my fourth time performing stand-up. Fourth time. So you've averaged two spots a year for the past two years. So you're diving in hard.

Diving in really hard. Clearly you're spending a lot of time, extra time in the laboratory lately, combining chemicals. You have a mad plot. Lots of meth. What do you do? I have three jobs. I make sandwiches. What do you do? I have three jobs. I make sandwiches.

Where do you make sandwiches at? On Cape Cod. I work at a... All the way in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. I got to tell you, they have sandwiches here if you want to do it closer. I live on Cape Cod. Okay. You do?

Yeah, I am a production assistant for Harvard making movies. Wow. And I teach little kids archery. Oh, yeah. How many kids die a year in Kid Cod from archery? I love how four people at once just have to attack. It's so funny. Three of them not wanting to back down.

Oh, archery, huh? Fuck, yeah. That's funny because you look like you work at Target. Wow. What's the youngest age that you've taught someone archery? I do second to fourth grade. Fuck yeah. I bet you do.

Just like Jerry Sandusky. I like it. You know what you like. Second to fourth grade. Anything older than that, they can go fucking jerk off, man. They can get a gun once they're... I don't work at Subway. That's not the same.

And you always stand behind the kids, and you pull their little hand back with them, no, like this, and you got the pelvis right against each other, right? How do you know my moves? You get down on your knees for that? They're little fucking kids. I'm asking the tough questions here.

My God. I want some details. You're a tall guy. You clearly can't stand and help a second grader, right? So you get down on your knees sometimes? No, I crouch. I crouch. Show us how you crouch for a second grader.

Like this. That's the largest second grader I've ever seen. I want you to actually crouch how you would for a fucking second grader. It's not that hard of a question. I don't get right behind them. I'm like, I show them how to do it and then they imitate me. How do you do it?

Jeff Foxworthy presents. Can you crouch like a second grader? We have a bunch of kids in Cape Cod imitating this guy. How do you shoot a bow and arrow? Can you show me? Jeremiah is the second grader. Like that? Wow.

Show Jeremiah how to do it. How would you show him? Alright. You just rest your balls on his shoulder. Completely straight. Oh, completely straight? I think not, my friend. I mean, I do have them take their shirts off,

so it is accurate. All right, Sam. Wow. I'm going to lose my license. You have a license for that? I'm surprised you have a license. I do. I have a license.

I just gave you a permit. Yeah, dude. Show them how. How would you teach this kid how to do it? Not for the funny business. Be serious, Sam. You keep your shoulders apart like you're almost swinging a baseball bat, and you keep your left arm straight,

and you bring your right arm back, shoulder, straight elbow out, feet pulling forward, and you let go. Don't be scared of the string slapping your arm. Don't be scared of the pressure that you feel against your right elbow. Wow. There you go. Jeremiah, that feel straight to you? You do look a little bit like Jared.

Oh, I don't. I get Will Ferrell. I've never gotten Jared. How old are you? I mean, you fascinate me. I'm 23. You're 23? Yeah. I'm just processing all this. I'll talk about

it in a minute, but keep going. 23, huh? Yeah. Did you go to Harvard? I did not go to Harvard, no. So they're just hiring anybody over there. Yeah, exactly. What's Harvard producing?

They do like master classes for their business. Child molesters, exactly. What's Harvard producing? They do master classes for their business. Child molesters, obviously. Master classes for their what? They do movies for their business school where teachers have interactive movies and I produce and do color correcting for those. What's your favorite kind of sandwich to make at the sandwich place? And what's your favorite color that you corrected into?

Choose wisely. Red and I like an Italian. I love making Italian sandwiches. I bet you do. You like them Italian. Anything with a torpedo. What's the weirdest thing

about you, Sam? We all know that you have some skeletons in your closet. Most of them obviously second graders. Very little ones. What do you think is the weirdest thing about you? The weirdest thing about me? What's something creepy that you do? Or something like that. You have a jar of toenails

or something like that? Nothing creepy. Come on. Tell the truth. Don't be afraid to lose your bow license. I mean, I also want to know why every year you do stand-up twice, right? At what point in the year do you just say, all right, I'm ready for that next one? I got my material together.

I've built enough sandwiches. I'm going out to L.A. It's like a New Year's resolution. You never keep up with it. January 1st, it's your day. Exactly. That's what I was thinking. So you're getting it out of the way early this year

so you can focus on the children. I'm going to go back to Boston and hopefully do it more. Fuck. Yeah, I did improv. You scare the fuck out of me. I'm sorry. No, don't apologize. You scare the fuck out of me. I'm sorry. No, don't apologize. I just... Do you want me to move away or something? No.

I could shoot you. Where do you stay while you're in town visiting? What's the thing? You get a hotel or you have a friend out here or something like that? I'll tell you where he stays. 200 feet away from any school in the area. And do you travel with a bow and arrow?

No, I do not. I actually don't do archery that much other than just teaching the kids. Yeah, well, you don't need to. Of course. Why would you do such a thing? Why would you ever practice the craft when you're not in front of small children?

And do you advertise? I mean, is there like a Craigslist or a Robin Hood Gazette? I get hired through camps on Cape Cod to teach archery. Wow, good angle, man. You fucking... I got in there, yeah. What's your love life like, Sam?

I just got out of a relationship, like most comedians. Yeah? How'd that end? Why'd that end? How long were you with her? Graduated to third grade. Summer camp was over. We dated for like two years years and I broke up with her

oh yeah why'd you break up with her just not having a good time anymore was it the her aspect no it wasn't no but yeah it just wasn't why what do you think changed what you noticed like what's the difference two years into this thing

cried a lot she cried a lot I hope she doesn't listen to this Why? What do you think changed? What you noticed? What's the difference two years into this thing? Cried a lot. I hope she doesn't listen to this. She got her period. Did you make her cry or did she just cry because she was surprised she was with you? She does. She moved to Scotland for a year and it just drifted apart. Then she got back and it was just... She moved to Scotland for a year and it just like drifted apart

and then she got back and it was just She moved to Scotland for a year When she came back she just treated you differently No, she was just like overbearing In what way? Like what's something that she once said to you that really stood out?

No really stood out. No. Goo goo ga ga ga ga. Red man. After I broke up with her, like a couple weeks passed, and we had had sex the morning I had broken up with her. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Don't apologize

to us. You should apologize to her She texted me You broke my heart with your cum dripping out of me Wow Wow She sounds like a Harvard writer She sounds like a lit major from Harvard With your cum dripping out of her

Cum does not hold together a broken heart You came inside of her while leaving outside of her That's incredible You blew a load inside of her. Plum does not hold together a broken heart. You came inside of her while leaving outside of her? That's incredible. You blew a load inside of her? Sounds like you tried to shoot an apple off her heart. It was a couple hours before. There's the answer to your question about his weird behavior.

Take this load, you fucking bitch. Yeah, you feel that dripping out of you? That's the last you'll ever know of me. It's a cream pie. Where do you live? Cream pie. Where do you live? You live in Cape Cod?

A cream pie. You broke my heart. And my thigh's all wet I have your fucking Nerges flowing out of me I bet you shoot like Massive loads too You seem like the kind of guy

That just has like crazy fucking Yeah Crazy fucking nerd balls on you Just stretch it Pull it hard a little further Now let go He's shaking his head yes back. Yeah. Crazy fucking nerd balls on you. Just stretch it, pull it hard a little further, now let go. He's shaking his head yes. Medium. Medium, whatever. This guy hits the fucking ceiling. And you live in

a tent, right? No, I don't live in a tent. After you came inside her, did you write her a note that said, do you think we should get a Plan B pill? Check yes or no. Wait, I got a question. I pulled out. I pulled out.

I don't know why she texted me. You pulled out of the relationship. Why did she say your cum was inside of her? I don't know. That's why I'm glad that I'm out of the relationship. Yeah. Tony. She blew it.

I can't believe it. He blew it. Sometimes't believe he blew it sometimes you leave a winner you will be the one she regrets leaving that's for sure after sex did she ever tell you to make her a sandwich that's so funny

oh fuck man Alright Sam Well that's crazy that she would say that Sam is your last name witch? Sam witch Now his name is Sam Now is Buck Is that your stage name?

No My name's Samuel Charles Buck Or Sam Buck Goes from classy to trashy real quick I bet you're great at camp You should change it to witch Maybe Alright Sam

Well What was your answer About the creepiest thing about you? What did you say? Because all this is... He said his reflection. What was your answer to that? Come on, just tell the truth. You know there's something fucking weird. I gain

a lot of weight really quickly and then lose it and then go back and forth. How often does that happen? What's weird about that? What do you mean? I should have been... What do you mean a lot of weight? What's weird about that? What do you mean? I should have been. What do you mean a lot of weight? What's the most you've ever gained?

I was up to 255, and now I'm down to 220 right now. Wow, you rebel. Jesus. All right. How do you lose it when you do? You just come inside of it and then leave it? All right. There you go. Sam Buck come inside of it and then leave it. Alright. There you go. Sam Buck, everybody.

Sam Buck. He's on Twitter. It's Sam C. Buck. He writes a new 10 seconds every month. Averaging 10 seconds per month. That's a new 60 seconds every six months. That was all so funny.

We almost forgot how terrible his 60 seconds was. That's how he does it. 60 seconds was a setup for the rest. He just leaves us like that with his cum dripping out of us. I'm going to remember

that guy. Today wasn't the last time we hear about Dick Buck. Richard Buck. Dick Buck to the students. Back to the Buck it we go. I pulled another name out. Put your hands together for Mike DeVore. Mike DeVore.

Here he comes from the far side. Mike DeVore. Here he comes from the far side. There's a human being approaching this stage, and it's Mike DeVore. Mike DeVore, everybody. Come on. What's up? Some guy came up to me. He's like, what kind of Asian are you?

What kind of Asian are you? I was like, whatever the college scholarship wants me to be. So he's like, Filipino? I'm like, yep. Cool. I'm in college right now. My favorite class that I took this semester was Chicano Studies. It's a super easy class because regardless of what the question is,

the answer is always racial injustice. Yeah, the professor, he's like, Mike DeVore. I'm like, I didn't even hear the question. I was like, yeah, I think it's unfair how Mexicans get treated in this country. We need to stand up and fight for their rights. Viva la Mexico! Then I kicked the ball in the soccer net. And then the professor's like, dude, I'm just taking attendance. This did not go as I planned. Swing and a miss. Yeah, so. It was like 10 seconds. Thank you. There you go. Mike DeVore.

Somehow, Mike, you managed to do worse than the guy whose first time it was. And also the guy that does it twice a year for 60 seconds at a pop. Is this your first time doing it? No, it's not. How long have you been doing it for? March will be four years. Wow, four years. It's time to quit. Thank you guys. Have a good night.

I like your passion. I thought you were very passionate. There you go. A compliment on your passion from Kirk Fox. Let me ask you a question. What kind of Asian are you? Filipino. And is that Asian? That's it? You're 100% Filipino? And is that Asian? Yes. Okay. That's it?

You're 100% Filipino? Half Filipino, half white. Half white? Yeah. Huh. Your mom's Filipino? Yes, she is. Dad's white.

Yes. How'd they meet? In Germany. What? My dad was in the army. My mom was there doing a nursing program. And then that's how they met. Hey. Hey.

You're a Filipino. P-I-N-O-T. Like the wine. I'll push it real good. Alright, Mike. That probably made you feel better about yourself. It did. Really? Yeah! You do have an interesting All right, Mike. That probably made you feel better about yourself. It did, didn't it really? Yeah, yeah!

You do have an interesting look to you, though. You seem like a young sumo wrestler or something like that. You look like you snuck out of the igloo as a teen. No, just this, I guess. Why do you think you look like the way you do? No, just this, I guess. Why do you think you look like the way you do? You ever put your head in the microwave as a kid or anything like that?

No, I never did that. Just eat a lot. Yeah? Yeah. What do you do for work? I'm actually a student. I live off the GI Bill. Off the GI Bill?

Yes. Oh, you were in the service? First seven years. Oh, wow. There you go. A fucking hero. Which G? Filipino?

What army? Filipino army? America. Okay. Just checking. How old are you? I'm 30. Wow, okay.

Can I just say this? Actually, Wee Man's here. Is he still here? Oh, my God. No, no, no. A few years ago, he actually visited our ship, so I want to thank you for doing that. That was pretty awesome for him. There you go. That's it. There you go. We he actually visited our ship, so I want to thank you for doing that. That was pretty awesome for him. There you go. That's it.

There you go. Wee Man visited the ship. Where have you been, Steve-O? To his credit, Wee Man didn't mean to. He just went in the ocean with his floaties on, and the current took him out there. Aw. It was just a rowboat. He just went in the ocean with his floaties on, and the current took him out there. It was just a rowboat.

Look at this ship. What branch of the ugly tree did you get hit by? No, what branch of the military were you in? I was in the Navy. What? I was in the Navy. Oh, wow. What did you do there? I was an intel specialist. Really? I was in the Navy. Oh, wow. What'd you do there? I was an intel specialist.

Really? Yeah. An intel specialist? Yeah. Just built PowerPoints. What does that mean? We just literally built PowerPoint presentations all the time. Wow.

Yeah. Would you have rather built guns or something fun? No, no. It was fucking easy. Like, everyone else had to... Well, I don't want any trouble with the soldier. He's a fucking Navy man. It was a fucking dope job.

Navy is very defensive. Is your mom super Filipino? Yeah, she is. Can you do a little impression of her right now? Mike... That's it right there. Black as fuck, you know? Everything you want, son!

All right, do an impression of your mom. Okay. Michael, you never call me anymore. Wow, is that true? Do you not call your mom that often? No, I don't. All right, call her right now. Put it on speakerphone.

Jeremiah, help him out. There we go. We're going to talk to your Filipino mom. Why would we wait for that, let me see. Tell her you're in the cash cab. Ha, ha, ha. What if it's Buck's girlfriend? What's her name?

Esther. Esther. Yes. She has a new show on free for her. She doesn't pick up. How's your health? I want you to leave a voice. It's okay.

I'll call her later. Please leave your message for me hello I thought this would have a happy ending hello it's me Esther your mom what you call for son she can work voicemail

this night's not going well for you no it's not when you set up your first joke, you had everybody's attention. Like, oh, man, you did this great impression of a guy asking you what kind of Asian you are. And it was like, oh, man, this is going to be great. What was this whatever the college wants me? It was just whatever the college scholarship wants me to be. Because I've been asked about my ethnicity before.

And I'm just like, I don't really want to tell people. So I was like, that's whatever the college scholarship wants me to be because I've been asked about my ethnicity before and I'm just like I I didn't really want to tell people so I was like that's whatever the college scholarship wants me to be such a great opportunity there for like a really good bit man you know thank what do you do for fun uh I watch uh I watch a lot of twitch on uh on the internet watch a lot of people play video games that's what you do yeah for fun for fun yeah it is what else do you do for fun uh spend time with my wife oh yeah how long you been married uh I've been eight years together That's what you do? For fun. What else do you do for fun? Spend time with my wife. How long have you been married? Eight years together for 13.

Watch a lot of Twitch. Is that some weird cam girl shit? It's just people play video games online. I know Red Band plays too. What's your wife? White? No, she's Mexican Does she speak Spanish? She does speak Spanish Now, did you meet her on the ship?

No, we met in high school What does she do? She's in the Navy She joined the Navy the year I got out Wow Does the Navy get too. Yeah, she joined the Navy the year I got out. Wow. What does she do in the Navy? Does the Navy get any Americans in there? I guess they all go to the Army or Marines.

She's actually an intel specialist, too. Really? Yeah, yeah. So whenever you tell your kids stories someday of serving, you're going to be like, You didn't know what it was like. We built PowerPoints for a living. One time Flash didn't load. Things got crazy.

That's pretty funny. What's the weirdest thing about you, Mike? I'm just like, I like to beat to myself, just in the corner. Why did you do like Asian power hands when you did that? No, I just like, I like to beat to myself. Just in a corner. Why did you do like Asian power hands when you did that? No, I just like, usually when there's like a group of people. Okay, go ahead. I don't know, I just keep to myself.

Like I'm not very outgoing type of thing. How'd that work out for you on the ship? It was okay. You could find a corner. Yeah, I just hid in the P-way. In the P-way? Passage way. Oh. Yeah, I just hid in the P-Way. In the P-Way? Passage way. Oh.

Yeah. Right, I'm from P-Way. That's totally different. How come you're not wearing a ring? I'm not going to lie. I fucking got fat and the ring doesn't fit anymore. This is a special 2018 fat shaming episode. Wow.

This is a wild episode. How did you know when it was time to take the ring off? 2018 fat shaming episode. Wow. This is a wild episode. How did you know when it was time to take the ring off? Did you just have it off? It was starting to hurt. It was starting to get really uncomfortable. I was noticing it. I was like, why is it fucking cutting off circulation? They said the ring or the finger.

Which one is going to come off? Is she okay with that? She's okay with that, yeah. She's fine with it. But she also wants me to lose weight, too, so... You threw it into Sauron's fire? All right. So how quickly did you gain this weight? It happened while I was in the Navy.

So, yeah, I gained... Well, you know, like... Wait a second. Yeah. You said you met... Your wife went into the Navy after you got out. Yeah. Yeah.

She always wanted to join the Navy. Well, when we were stationed up in Washington, she wanted to join, but I was always deployed, so, like, it didn't work out, so when I told her I was going to get out of the Navy, she was like, I want to join. I I was always deployed So it didn't work out So when I told her I was going to get out of the Navy She was like, I want to join I was like, alright, cool

So that was after you got married? No, this is while we were married She just said, how could I be a wife to you for four years I'm so confused right now I feel like their marriage is going about as well as his stand-up The timeline is very confusing Can you make a PowerPoint and come back next week?

I like the fact that even your mom doesn't want to talk to you. I feel like Steve-O is the weirdest detective I've ever seen. Wait a second. Hold on. She went in the Navy after you.

Jeremiah Watkins. What? Steve-O, you seem like confused i'm not colombo or anything but something doesn't add up yet fuck yeah mike anything else you want to say before you leave oh no thanks for having me Fuck yeah. Mike, anything else you want to say before you leave? Oh no, thanks for having me up here.

I had fun. There he goes, Mike DeVore, a goddamn American hero. He fought for our country. Making PowerPoints. Goddamn American hero. Who knows how many lives those PowerPoints saved. Right.

The only thing that ever died on the battlefield was his computer battery a few times. The PowerPoint guy. Where the fuck's the... Has anybody seen the PowerPoint guy? Fuck. We need a PowerPoint. Where's Mike DeVore?

Goddamn it. Gets up at five and just starts doing Powerpoint. Other guys are doing push-ups. He's just fucking sweating, eating greasy puffs. All right. We have a regular on the show. She writes and performs a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. We're all, everybody that's seen her is pretty much convinced

that she's the goddamn future of comedy. One of our favorites in the world. Put your hands together for the great and powerful Allie Makovsky. Oh, shit. Come on, make some fucking noise, audience. It's Allie Makovsky. Hi. Hi.

It's Allie Makowski. Hi. I hate the new year because it's always people who believe in crystals who want to tell you how they're going to change. I believe more in people who do crystal than people who have crystals. People who have crystals, they're like, I love jewelry, but I really want it to mean something. My jewelry guides me. I don't like it. I don't know.

And it's always people who have crystals who are the biggest bitches. It's like, what is your crystal telling you to do? Like, just be a cunt? Do you have a clip-piercing crystal? How does this work? I don't know. The one thing that I do want to be over in 2018 is chain messages. My dad sent me a chain message.

It was like, send this to 20 of your friends or have bad luck for the rest of your life. I was like, my dad doesn't even have 20 friends. And he doesn't have that much longer to live. Is he really worried about being cursed? Okay, thanks. Allie Makovsky with a brand new 70 Seconds.

Hi, Allie. Hi. How was your New Year? It was nice. It's fun. Yeah. It was nice. I went to a house party and um just kind of hung there watched the fireworks and then my boyfriend told me he loved me i know how did you respond to that i was like happy new year is that really what you said no well he said it he said i love, and then he kissed me right after, so I didn't even have time to say it.

I was just processing it the whole time. Yeah. Did his crystal make him say that? How long have you guys been dating? Two months. Wow. And he loves you. Yeah, he does.

Do you love him? I think so. I don't know what love is. Have you told him yet you. Yeah. He does. Do you love him? I think so. I don't know what love is. Have you told him yet? Yeah, I said it. Let me ask you this. When you said it, did you do a thing where you're like, did you mean what you said earlier? No. Did you re-brought it up? No. I knew he meant it. Because if he kissed you afterwards, then when did

you say it? How much later after did you say it? After his mouth was off of my mouth. You were like, ah. You said, I love you, too. You said, I love you, too. I love you, too. Like that?

How did you say it? I don't remember. Oh, come on. Yes, you do. I love you, too. So that was last night? Last night? Now can you show us how you would train a second grader to shoot a bow and arrow?

Is he here in the audience right now? No, he's not here. But that was last night that you expressed yourself. So you've been in love for eight hours, 12 hours. Yeah, thank you. Good for you. Was it a midnight thing when the ball dropped? No.

No. Before? No, it was after. It was in his car. He was drunk. Really? No. Does he drive? No, it was after. It was in his car. He was drunk. Really? No. Does he drive a 2004 Jaguar?

No, he drives a Ford. He's an all-American boy. Yeah. There's got to be a great bit in that, you know. Maybe. If we break up, it could be funny. It might be worth it. It might be.

I'm in it for the bits. What do you think you love most about him? He's really nice. Alright, that's the most boring answer possible. I don't know. What's your favorite thing about him that's different than other guys that you've been with? I haven't been with really any other guys seriously, so I have no reference.

Wow. Don't you normally talk about having sex with a lot of guys? Um, yeah. I've tried to stay away from that, but um, that is a lot of my life experience being that I'm young and don't have much life experience.

Right. I wanted to hear more crystal meth jokes. Yeah, me too. It was like, you were like, oh cool, you know, when it was like the crystals and then I trust people who do crystal. That was such great. And then it was all about the crystals and I wanted more drugs.

Yeah. Don't we all? I have a crystal meth joke. Can I tell my crystal meth joke? Yeah, please. Please. One of the benefits of crystal meth is getting further in Pac-Man than you ever thought was humanly possible. There you go.

Mine is every date is a... Good timing. Good timing. It's alright. What's yours, Kirk? Every date is a speed date when you're on meth. I like that. Have you done, Crystal? No, I haven't. Oh, you haven't?

No, no. You should. You'll love a lot more guys. Anything else happen interesting since you've been on the show? We weren't here for Christmas Day. Yeah, Lil Uzi Vert was by my work today. Lil Uzi Vert. He's a rapper.

It was great. There were two Maybacks that pulled up outside of my work. Mayback music. And then he just popped out shirtless and I was like, this is the best. That was the highlight of my two weeks gone.

Lil Uzi Vert. And it was crazy because last time that I was like, this is the best. That was the highlight of my two weeks gone. Lil Uzi Vert. Yeah, and it was crazy because last time that I was on here, I was talking about Lil Uzi Vert, and then I manifested it. It could be the crystals. There you go. All right, Ali. Well, there you go.

Another brand new minute from your regular Ali McCoskey. There she goes. Good job, Ali. Well, there you go. Another brand new minute from your regular Ali McCoskey. There she goes. Good job, Ali. I have a question. Before we go back to the bucket, I have a question for this audience. Do you guys like special treats? Sounds like they might like a special treat. How about we do something special?

Sounds like they might like a special treat. How about we do something special? You know, you know, we're going to bring somebody up here to perform stand-up comedy for the first time in his history ever at the Comedy Store. You know him from Jackass

and so many other great things. It's Wee Man! Wee Man! Alright, so I was in yoga last week. No, I take yoga, I really do. I've broken so many bones I have to take yoga. And I was laying there and I'm getting all like ready and zen and this wind just comes across me like and I'm like oh fuck dude who in here reeks and I look over and this hippie lady with like jewels and stuff on just throws her mat down right like right next to me and i'm just smelling everything and i'm like

oh my god i'm gonna fucking die i can't there's no way i can be in yoga right now and just breathe this the whole time i'm like i'm gonna die but i'm like fuck i just have to do it just be zen cool so i go through the whole class like fuck i hate that lady i fucking pissed, my worst day ever, no joke, next day, same time, I'm in the class, and I'm like, oh, it's packed, she ain't coming today, boom, and I'm like, fuck, there's a hot chick next to me, it probably went over, and she thinks it's me, and I'm like, no, this is not, I'm saying something, so we're all good and all, and we down into like doggy position it's called like it's called um cat cow no it's cat cow and i'm like uh lady and i just want to be nice i'm like next time you come to class wash your fucking mat and your towel and she's like what and i'm like

wash your mat and wash your towel she gets gets up, pulls her mat and storms out of class in the middle, like where everybody's like, what, what's going on? And I'm like, oh my God, that's the best. I love this class. Yoga's good. Everybody's looking at me. I'm like, so at the end of the class, I look at the lady and I go, you smelt her, right? And she goes, yeah, I smelt some, but I didn't know what it was and I'm like it was her it was her she goes yeah I smelt it didn't smell when she left and I'm like thank you I was an asshole but I was also a nice guy fuck yeah I love that. Dude, you see, I nailed the height on that.

Yeah, you did. That's what you know you're a bro. That's what you really want points for? Oh, let me just put it all the way down, and I got Wee Man. That wasn't hard. With your size, when you do yoga, you can actually downward face an actual dog. Pretty much. Pretty much. Why do you think I take yoga? Yeah.

It's like two other dudes in the class and me. You know, it's the best. I'm telling you guys, take yoga. Two and a half men. Yes, it is. So this was interesting. You got mad at this lady. We got to see a little bit of your short temper.

Yes. How bad, like, what kind of smell was it? Like a hippie, like, patchouli smell? It was, no, no, it wasn't even patchouli or nothing. It was, like, B.O. that had never been washed. That's just, like, stuck on the lady like for days and I'm like no no this is like I'm around like these guys all day and whatever and skaters

all day and we smell good yeah dudes yeah I'm surprised you left I'm surprised you just got out of here I was dying I was like oh fuck I'm gonna hear about it from the teacher what'd you do and it was all cool everybody's like oh yeah great class good to have you know and I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm going to hear about it from the teacher. What did you do? And it was all cool. Everybody was like, oh, yeah, great class. Good to have you.

And I'm like, yes. Why didn't you just move your mat to another part of the room? There was no other part of the room. The room is as big as this stage. And everybody's pretty much side by side. And she was right on top of me. And I'm like, I'm fucked. I'm seriously fucked.

What do you use as a yoga mat? Like a DVD cover or something like that? A paper towel? No, it's a shamwow. I don't use a towel, I use a sock. Shamwow. Oh, shit. That's so awesome, man.

What made you... Is it hot yoga? Yeah, hot yoga. So you shrink a little bit during it. Everything contracts. Of course. I love it, man. Did you feel better after?

Yeah, you feel good all the time. It's very relieving. You've been doing yoga for a long time now. Four years now. When's the last time you had long time now Four years now Four years And when's the last time You had a drink Four years ago

Yeah dude I love it Looking good too man Yeah Thank you You look good too Thank you bro Wish we could say the same

About Jeremiah He shops now In the husky section. That was the greatest part of the show to me for some reason. He shops at the husky section. Fucking amazing. I'm still over in juniors. Look at that gut bounce I know

Jeremiah looks good he's a beefcake that feels like pig skin it is that is pig skin we man what else has been happening in the world we're so happy that you're on the show this is fun

is this something you want to continue to do for Reelsies? I don't know. I just thought I'd try. Yeah. Do you want to continue this for Reelsies? You want to go skinny with us? Do you see a future in this or what? Fuck yeah. I don't know.

I just told a story. That's all I did. You should do it more, man. It'd be great if you got to start doing this. Maybe. I mean, we're here every Monday. Where do you see yourself in five years? Oh, in five years? I already have a five-year plan. You do?

Yeah. I'm moving somewhere where there's a lot of acreage. Building my own park. The land of Oz. No, I'm going to the chocolate factory. Yeah, baby. Represent the Lollipop Guild. Well, we love you every single week and anytime you ever want to test something out

or run it for our audience, you have an open invite forever. Make some noise for Wee Man, ladies and gentlemen Life's crazy How about one more time for Wee Man, everyone? Come on Back to the bucket we go What do you guys think? Back to the bucket one more time, huh?

You guys have it in you, Monday night. How about you? You ready for this? Just a head nod, yes. All right, go fuck yourself, ladies. Fucking assholes. You can always tell the podcast fans to bring their girlfriends sometimes.

Let's go. Do work in the morning. You know, we've been fucking kicked ass. Yeah, he did. That's a great story. It's hard to work in the morning you know Wee Man fucking kicked ass yeah he did that's a great story it's hard to do yeah I was just thinking

to myself because for all the stuff we've been through over the years there's just so many stories that are just utterly like phenomenal

and unbelievable and he came up here and told this great story about yoga class and he fucking did it with confidence and he did it great and told this great story about yoga class and he fucking did it with confidence and he did it great and I fucking love Wee Man I just love everything about him

Jason Acuna I am Wee Man on Instagram I like to call him Jason yeah his name is Jason alright I'm going to call him Jason too yeah His name's Jason. Right. I'm going to call him Jason, too.

Yeah. I like Jason. Yeah. You know, Jason speaks German. Is that true? 100% fucking fluent German. Is that true? Whoa. Whoa.

Yeah. God. And I'm Mexican. Oh, Whoa. God. And I'm Mexican. Oh, shit. Weetman's Mexican? Jason's Mexican? Yeah, but he doesn't speak Spanish. Speaks German.

Oh, he doesn't speak Spanish. Wow. Speaks German, though. That's fucking scary. Jesus Christ. What? I pulled a name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Dakota Freeman. There's a human being running

towards this stage. I like to think it's Dakota Freeman. He's running through the audience instead of the actual sidewalk. Dakota Freeman, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, guys. So I don't really get along with tough guys. They've always intimidated me. Like right off the bat when I meet a tough guy, they shake their hand.

They always want to squeeze my hand really hard. It's like they're trying to prove that their hand could kick my hand's ass. No, but I have a lot of masculine guys in my family. I got these uncles. I have an uncle. He's super masculine. He's always trying to get the ladies. He's like a pervert and stuff.

like I have an uncle he's like super masculine he's always trying to get the ladies he's like a pervert and stuff like one time he asked me hey Dakota what cousin of ours do you think is the hottest and I don't know how to answer that like what am I going to say it's your daughter bro high five but I have a lot of adult figures in my life

that were addicted to speed I guess that's why I grew up so fast I have a lot of adult figures in my life that were addicted to speed. I guess that's why I grew up so fast. Another fun fact about me, guys. My mom, she didn't know she was pregnant with me for like half the pregnancy. So she was just drinking, smoking, doing drugs. There were strobe lights. On the bright side, my mom's uterus is the best party I've ever been to.

Guys are all invited. Dakota Freeman. I could say, I think we could all agree that's probably the set of the night right there, Dakota. You should be proud of yourself. Very good. Welcome to the show. Do you always look like you always stand out in the rain? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's my life.

I'm a very nervous person. I'm nervous all the time. Do you look through people's windows a lot? Why do you look like a young version of the shovel slayer guy from Home Alone? A really young version of old man shovel slayer guy from Home Alone. A really young version of old man shovel slayer.

You know what I mean? He sweeps the driveways and we never know what he did with the bodies. You're like in training for that or something. I want to know something. How many miles per gallon does the mystery machine get? I'm just surprised that the government

is doing testing on Steve when we have this guy. You're a prime candidate, but I like you. You're funny and aggressive. Oh, thanks. Is that sort of like a character that you're doing or do you actually like that? No, this is me.

Freaking out all the time. So God's doing that. God's doing that character. It's like Twitch from South Park. It's like Scooby and Shaggy had a kid. You gotta be the only child molester who's still going through puberty.

I mean, it is pretty impressive. I've never seen anything that looks like they grew up. Okay, Kirk, go right ahead. Go ahead. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay, go ahead, buddy. In the dead middle of it.

No, I can't do it now. Well, I'll go back to it in a second and make it look like it was natural. Hold on. How old are you? 23. Wow, you don't look a day over 45. That's impressive. Now, when you? 23. Wow, you don't look a day over 45.

Now, when you're dragging the bodies through the riverbed, do you fish a lot? You fish? No, I don't fish. You've never fished before? Yeah, I should though. Not even for compliments? Oh, no. He only catfishes. You've been on a date?

How's your love life? It's okay. I go on the Tinder and stuff. You do? I go on the Tinder. I like that his uncle was a pervert because he liked girls. I go on the Tinder, the Facebook, the Twitter, the Instagram.

All the applications that those young kids use. You're like a young Gordon's fisherman or something like that. You seem like you belong like a liquor spokesman or something like that. You seem like you belong like a liquor spokesman or something like that. Like the world's least interesting man. Yes, I committed the murder. I feel like when you... I would have got away with it too

if it weren't for you. College? Did you go to college? Go to school? College? No, I don't go to school college uh no i don't go to school yeah yeah yeah i uh yeah i just do this and i work at a movie theater and yeah and my dad's very disappointed in both those things what do you do what does your dad do uh he cleans houses oh wow you know all the he should be very disappointed in you. He's doing a woman's job. Wow. Jesus Christ, Red Band.

Red Band? Wow. Somebody's not interested in working for any big corporations. Is there really a lot of people doing speed in your family? Oh, yeah, all of them. Well, not all of them, but most of them, yeah. Most of them. I have a lot of family members.

Have they ever shared with you? No, no. But this is why I look like this, because of them. Only when he was a baby. Yeah, when I was a baby, yeah. That's why you look like how you do? That's what you said? Well, my mom, yeah, I don't know.

I think I look like if a crack baby grew up to be a person. What part of Oregon or Washington are you from? Where are you from? Well, I'm also from Long Beach, from LB, the LBC. Jeremiah knows about LB. What's your love life like, Dakota? I mean, you're on the apps, you're on the Tinder, but what's the last date you went on?

What was that like? How'd you get rid of the DNA? I was on a date last night. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Where'd you meet that girl at? Tinder. She was an oak tree named Pearl.

And where's she buried right now? Angeles National Forest. Where'd you guys go on your date? We went to a parking lot in Sunset Beach. How would you like to go to a parking lot tonight? Fuck yeah. We got some food. Yeah? to a parking lot tonight? Fuck yeah. We got some food. Yeah? You ate parking lot garbage?

Yeah. What did you guys eat? We went to this place called Harbor House. Got some chili cheese fries. Had them today. Sometimes you want to just take a girl to a parking lot to see if she really likes you before you take her to a house that your dad's cleaning.

Nothing better to feed a girl than chili cheese fries before hopefully getting lucky. Did she fart it up? No, she didn't. She didn't fart it up. You squeak one out? You drive? You have a car?

I don't. I take public transportation. So you met her in a fucking parking lot after getting off a bus? You just walked up with an umbrella for some reason even though it wasn't raining? Sorry I'm late. I made a mistake wearing this jacket. I knew you guys were just going to go nuts on me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. So you think if you didn't wear that jacket it would have been okay? It would have just been smooth sailing without your sailor jacket? Yeah, just ignore the fact that you also look like you live in a tornado. He looks like he tries to get you to sign up for Greenpeace, doesn't he? I don't know. I don't sign anybody up for Greenpeace.

I did that. Why would you sign them up? You did that too? I went door to door. It lasted like half a day. Damn. You've had some crazy gigs. I have.

You lasted half a day? Heck yeah, dude. How often do you do stand-up? Try to like, ideally almost every night, or if every night, if I'm not working or have some family obligation or something. Is that your real fucking voice? Yeah.

All the time? And what would a family obligation be for you? I guess just, like, having some dinner and... Get the whole family together in a parking lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah. I got everybody chili cheese fries. Thanks a lot, guys.

How long have you been on stand-up? Five years. Five years. Wow. That's impressive. I think you're going to do just fine. You live by yourself? No, I live with my folks.

Vilma, Fred, Daphne. You live with your parents? Yeah. Yeah, I do. I'm a real winner. His roommates, Vilma, Fred, Daphne. Was that another Flintstones joke? Scooby-Doo.

Oh, oh. You seem influenced by whatever you were watching before you came here. Exactly. Didn't the Flintstones have Vilma and Fred, too? Oh, that's Vilma. No, Vilma. Velma.

Velma. Sorry. All right. I thought you went double Flintstones joke today. Did we find out where you work? Do you have a job right now? Yeah, I do. I work at a movie theater.

What do you do there? Shoots it up. Pick gum off seats. What did you say? You work at an AIDS movie theater? What is it? The Magic Johnson Theater? What did you say?

80s? No, AMC. Like in the AMC movie theater. What do you do there? You just take tickets and show people what happenss? No, AMC. Like, in the AMC movie theater, yeah. What do you do, though? You just take tickets and show people what could happen? He works for AMC, a molester of children. It's like a mixture of everything, like box office, concessions, maybe taking tickets and stuff. Do you know they have chicken and waffles?

Whatever feels right. Whatever feels right, yeah. Do you know they have chicken and waffles now at AMC theaters? Like, you could get fucking full-on food now. They do have some. We just opened up a bar so you could get, like, a beer, vodka, tequila or something. Aphrodite, did you know that they have chicken and waffles now? No, don't hide the cookie that you were sneaking out of your purse.

There you go, baby. You own it. Oh, shit. Wow. That's a titty cookie. you were sneaking out of your purse. There you go, baby. You own it. Oh, shit. Wow. That's a titty cookie. For those of you listening to the podcast, Aphrodite just put half of a chocolate chip cookie between her tits.

So how many Tinder dates? She named the cookie Tony. How many Tinder dates have you been on? Probably like four, I think. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Did you bone any of them? Yeah.

Yeah. How about this one in the parking lot? How'd this one go? How far did you get? Yeah, we did it and stuff. Yeah? In her car? Yeah.

In the parking lot? Yeah, there's like by the beach, so it wasn't like a Walmart parking lot or something like that. No, we knew it was a fucking Walmart parking lot or something like that. No, we knew it was a fucking beach parking lot. You already told us. We know you are a romantic. Of course you go to the goddamn beach.

Dude, did you do butt stuff? No. Did you fuck her on a yoga mat? Did you break her heart while you were a comm trip to Oxford? Was it awkward afterwards when you asked her for a ride home? Yeah. It was?

Well, she knew she was going to take me home from the beginning. Did you ask her to pay for half the chili cheese fries? No. No. No, you didn't. Well, I did ask, but she kind of like, she did pay for them. Like, I was fine to do it.

And then she kind of like just placed her card and said, that's fine. So I don't know if I'm supposed to like let that happen. She paid for all of it. This guy's getting fucked at the beach with no card. kind of like just placed her card and said that's fine. So I don't know if I'm supposed to like let that happen. She paid for all of it. She was getting fucked at the beach with no card. Dropped me off at my house. You're doing something right, brother. I kind of wish my mom did meth while she was pregnant with me.

You seem free. I wish I was that free. I love it, man. You're an interesting character. I've always wondered what Beck was like when he was in high school. What's the weirdest thing about you, Dakota? Besides your name.

Yeah. I think old ladies are kind of hot. Oh, um... Besides your name. Yeah. That's, yeah. I like, uh... I think old ladies are kind of hot. Yeah. Wow. Like, how old? I, what's, uh... Forty-five.

Yeah. Wow. Jesus. He's got it very specifically. A bunch of 45-year-old women are leaving. How old was that woman in the parking lot at the beach? Oh, she was like one year older than me, 24. Man, it's the 23 Club tonight.

We had so many 23-year-olds. How old were you when you boned the 45-year-old? Oh, this happened recently, like a few months ago. Is your mom 45 years old? Did you meet her on Tinder? Yeah, I did. So you've got your age, little Is your mom 45 years old? Did you meet her on Tinder? Yeah, I did. So you've got your age, little gauge set to 45 on Tinder?

Yeah, I was experimenting to see what would happen and then I saw her and I was like, oh, I'll swipe right and then we matched and I was like, okay, well, I'll message her

and see what happens then and then she was like, hey, you want to meet up? And then we went to this like... Parking lot. Parking lot, yeah. In a parking lot. Is your profile photo in your AMC uniform?

No, no, no. You show up in a lab coat. You're like, I'm just experimenting. Where did you meet up with a 45-year-old? On Tinder. What? On Tinder. Just swipingiping But I mean

Where did you meet her physically? Oh You were on your way to something Before I interrupted With something hilarious I think we're up to four You've met more than four women On Tinder

Like right? You haven't told us About every single one No no But like I've only really met Four in person Like everything else

Is just good shit And you fucked all of them Not all No not all of them. I want to hear more about the 45-year-olds. Stick with me here. When you guys met up and you guys messaged each other on Tinder, where did you meet up physically? It was just like a – so I guess at Gardena they have this motel called the No Happy Place or something.

And it's like a – if anybody knows about it. The AMC has hotels you can go fuck people in that you meet at the movie theater Yeah well it's like a motel made for fucking That's like the gimmick of it I guess Hourly wait Yeah a motel She told you to meet at some hotel that you didn't know about And you get there and what was different

It was just like kind of looked like Pillows were salty Yeah Keep going answer Answer the question. It was like, it was just kind of like a room. There was like just four blue walls and like, it kind of looked like, kind of retro looking, I guess. There was a TV mounted on the wall that she said she's watched before. Wow.

I guess she's done, this is like a thing she did on the regular. All right. Do you know what she did for a living? She was, I think she think she was a teacher. Yeah, she is. Teaching you the way to the promised land. All right, Dakota. Million dollar question. What was different

hooking up with this 45-year-old that's different that you notice is different than hooking up with a younger girl? I guess she just seemed like she really knew what she wanted and she was just direct. What was that? Her pussy eating? Yeah, she wanted to have sex and she made it clear that she really knew what she wanted and she was just direct. What was that? Her pussy eating? Yeah, she wanted to have sex and she made it clear that she wanted to do that

and I was happy to oblige. Can you give us an example of something that made you think that she just really, really, really wanted to have sex? What did she say or do? Mount me like the TV on the wall. Something like that. It was just the messenger.

She was just being sexting and stuff. How they meet me at the hotel would cover it. Yeah. Did she pay for the room? No, we split it. Oh, okay. You did? Yeah, we did, yeah.

Oh, I had to tear so many movie tickets for this. I guess Venmo me the other half. She's like, what's Venmo? Did you see her again? Or was it just the one and done? No, I did message her and she didn't reply. Did you finish quickly with her? No, I thought it was a good amount of time.

I thought it was good. It was 42 seconds. This woman knew exactly what she wanted and he wasn't it. She's dead. He's too old for her. Where do you think it went wrong? Why do you think she didn't message you back? Tell the truth. Be honest. Show some humility. Maybe she just

didn't want to hook up with another 23-year-old again or something. Where do you think you went wrong that night sexually or day at that hotel? Whoa! Aphrodite's taking shots

over here. Damn. I was going to say he didn't bring Werther's. Aphrodite. Normally I don't embrace or allow heckling of any kind. We love Aphrodite on this show. She's a superstar in our world. So I'm going to follow up on Aphrodite's question for a second.

Do you have a small penis? Aphrodite wants to know. No, it's just your average size penis. Three inches? It's not three inches. Four? It's probably more. It's more than four. I'd say like

five or six, I would say, is the amount, maybe. You think that's an average penis? I think so. Dude, what do your balls look like? Alright. Well, Dakota Freeman, it was nice to meet you.

There he goes. Keep rocking, Dakota. Amazing set tonight. Good job, man. Incredible stuff. I have to pee so fucking bad that I'm about to cry right now. Look at the drawing from Ryan Shae E-. Belt with Steve-O and Kirk Fox.

RyanJEBelt.com That's fucking amazing. It gets better every single week. The Kill Tony the book is available at RyanJEBelt.com Get that now. That's on sale and shipping. Kill Tony Houston February 1st. Kill Tony Dallas February 2nd.

Huge announcement regarding Salt Lake City, Utah coming next week. And that's the episode of tonight's show. Kirk Fox, anything coming out that you want to plug or talk about? No, I'm all right. Thank you. Follow Kirk on all social medias, Kirk Fox. Steve-O, ladies and gentlemen. Come on.

Kirk Fox, Steve-O. Steve-O, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. Kirk Fox, Steve-O. Steve-O, you have a ton of shit going on. You're always hustling and grinding. What's going on? Let's see here. I did this crazy mountain climbing show. It's coming out on YouTube Red January 17th. I'm taping a new comedy special in Denver

at the Gothic Theater on January 20th. This weekend I'll be in Cleveland at Hilarity's. I love that club. Yep. Yeah. And next weekend, a week from this, we're at the Ice House in Pasadena. So I'll see you down there. Can I add one thing?

Yeah. I will be on Kill Tony when this airs, right? Yeah. Okay. Plugging his Kill Tony appearance. Kirk Fox. How about we make some noise for 30 pounds heavier Jeremiah Watkins. He's going to be the host of Kill Tony next week.

How many of you guys are coming back next week? I'm sure you are. Fucking liars. Jeremiah, what else do you want to plug? Tune in to Kill Jeremiah next week at the Comedy Store. I'm headlining down in San Diego on January 18th and bringing Jamar Nabors and Willie Hunter from The Wave. So if you're in the San Diego area, check that out.

I got some shirts up at jeremiahwatkins.tv slash shop. And follow me on social media, at Jeremiah Stand Up. Thank you, Stakeham, for sponsoring me. There you go, the victor. You'll catch me and the band next week sitting next to band leader Pat Reagan, everybody. Patty, anything you want to plug this week? No. Okay.

Crow McCriss on the ones and twos. Follow him on social media. How about you make some noise for Joel Burke. Joel Jimenez, everybody. He's on social media at Mostly Sorry, all one word. This is one of the craziest years of my life. Thank you guys for caring and coming out, man. I love you guys.

There he goes. Joel Jimenez. I'm also performing in Chicago the second weekend of January and Philadelphia the last weekend of January with a bunch of my crazy friends. That's all available at TonyHinchcliffe.com

if you live in any of those cities. There it is. Houston, Dallas. We're coming for you. Josh Martin. That's him right there. See you guys. Happy New Year, everyone. Thank you so much for coming out. Have a great night. See you next week.

Come on, bounce. Everybody in the house put a half an ounce. Not weed, I meant coke. We'll be right back. Outro Music