KILL TONY - KILL TONY #246

Episode Date: January 26, 2018

Andrew Santino, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 01/22/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, for all the past episodes and video portions to the show. You can also click on tour dates to get your tickets to see Kill Tony. We record it every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store. We're also going on the road, Texas, next week. We are going to be in Houston February 1st for a Kill Tony and a comedy show. week we are going to be in Houston February 1st for a Kill Tony and a comedy show it's me and Tony Hinchcliffe in the whole band Pat Reagan Jeremiah Watkins Joel Jimenez and myself then

the following day we are going up to Dallas and we were there the whole weekend we're doing a Kill Tony on Saturday and a bunch of comedy shows you can go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates to buy your tickets to Houston and Dallas. So check that out. Also check out Ryan J. Ebelt's website. He's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony book and the poster, and they're shipping right now.

So go to ryanjebelt.com. TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's where you can get all Tony Hinchcliffe merch and all his stuff, and you can also see him live. He's all over the place. He's in Philadelphia right now, actually. And he's going to be going to Boise, Idaho. He's going to be at Punchline Sacramento.

And we're also going to stand up live in Phoenix and Tempe Improv. So check that out. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Don't forget ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Got a bunch of hats, new shirts, thermals, and stickers, and spinners. Go to ShopSquad.TV. That's where you get the Death Squad stuff.

All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode sponsored by Zip Recruiter and for him of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Bank. Coming to you live from the road famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff. Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. What an amazing, amazing smathering of applause. Welcome, everybody. How are you guys doing? You excited? You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Nice to meet you. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe here with Brian Redband, as always. What's up, guys? Come on, the ones

and twos. And the great Ryan J. Ebelts drawing tonight's episode. He's right there with a blank sheet of giant paper in front of him. And my favorite thing in the world is Kill Tony the book. Yes. And that is now on sale at ryanjebelts.com. I'm signing a bunch of copies today, and it was a lot of fun. Yeah. Life is good.

I'm excited about a lot of things. We have some fun gigs coming up here. I'm going to be in Philly this weekend doing stand-up with a bunch of my wrestling buddies. We're going to the Royal Rumble in Philadelphia on Sunday. No way, man. Hell yeah, dude. It's fucking awesome. And then

Kill Tony goes to Houston, Texas next Thursday. Yeah. And then we're going to be doing a Kill Tony in Dallas as well on top of four stand-up comedy shows. Well, five total. We're going to be doing a Kill Tony in Dallas as well on top of four stand-up comedy shows. Well, five total. We're doing one in Houston after Kill Tony and then four shows in Dallas at the Hyenas downtown. Tickets available

everywhere for that. I'm doing stand-up in Boise, Idaho for the first time ever after that. In Sacramento, California, I'm making my return there. Then all of a sudden that brings us to some breaking news. Kill Tony will be in Phoenix, Arizona. Fuck yes.

The links just went up today. That date is set for, what did I say? March something. March. Anyway, that's a live thing. Then we do the Tempe Improv after that, and that's pretty much everybody and everything. Yeah, we're at Stand Up Live.

April 5th, 6th, 7th. Yep. So that means I'm going to be missing the Joanna Janczyk rematch, which breaks my heart. No way, man. Fuck yeah. UFC talk. Well, life is good other than that.

I'm excited about a lot of different things. You know what? I don't know about you, but we've been looking for some replacements. We have another big announcement coming up later. You guys are going to be shocked. This episode, I just want to warn you.

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Huh? You're live. We're in the mix. Crazy shit happening tonight. I'm pumped to bring out, what should we bring up the guest? Let's just do it. He's one of the funniest comedians in the world. He's the star of I'm Dying Up Here on Showtime, which I absolutely love. One of the great comedians and actors that I get to work with all the time on so many fun things. Make some noise for the great Andrew Santino, ladies and gentlemen.

Making his return yet again because we always have so much goddamn fun. Is that Ruby Soho? Is that what that was? Is that Rancid? Isolated, no other guests to bother us or get in our way. We're going to have some fun tonight, meet some human beings out of this

fucking bucket of destiny. So you know how it goes, so let's just jump right into it. First of all, when's I'm dying up here coming back out again? May 2nd, we're back. I fucking love this show. If you guys like this show, it's an absolute fact that you'll love that show. Same thing.

It's stand-up comedy, but in a different era. And it's largely sort of based and has the vibe of the place that you're at right now, the Comedy Store. If you like this fucking place, you'll like that. This is as authentic as it gets. Baby. You've done this show before and we're going to have a lot more fun. Let's meet the band. I'm going to bring the band up.

Get them out here. Ladies and gentlemen, we have the best damn band in the land on this show. It's a bunch of master genius friends and improvisers, great comedians who commit to a character every single week. I never know what they're going to do beforehand but they do jokes out of that character throughout the entire episode. They're so much fun and they're a hell of a band. It's

the Kill Tony band. It's Reagan, Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. You got to make more noise than that, people. You're at the Comedy Store. It's Monday night. Oh, shit. Oh, look at this. Oh, my God. They're prisoners. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. And one very creepy cop. Fuck, yeah. Make some noise for the band, everybody. That's the gay porno cop version of me. This is like a Westworld character.

Wow, some prisoners. Okay, we got Jeremiah, who's, I guess, cross-eyed, has a grill. Nice. That's interesting. We have a prisoner with an acoustic. Oh, yeah, they're both cross-eyed. All right, that's interesting. And we have Joel Jimenez, who clearly has been being tortured at Guantanamo Bay for some time.

His beard is literally falling apart. They're also mutes. None of them say anything. They're just mutes. We're called the Buggy Boys, man. Wait, what? We're called the Buggy Boys, homie. Okay.

The Buggy? I just want to get it right. Yo, dog, is ZipRecruiter hiring or what? Yes, you can just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. Yeah. Hell yeah. I love thinking about them buying those wave caps at like a little fucking corner store. And they're like, excuse me, do you guys have black man cap thingy things?

Do you have colored guy hat things that they wear? Sally's Beauty Supply, dog. Is that a plug? How long were you guys in for? Did you guys commit the same crime? Yeah, rape in the first degree. First degree rape? Uh-huh.

What'd you guys do? Can you tell us about that night? Yeah. It was a dark and stormy night. Nah, man, we just playing. There you go. We just robbed a banged up. There you go.

Some street cred on these prisoners. How are you, drummer guy, Joel Jimenez? Prepping for the race war. Well, I love it. All the pieces are in place. Are you guys ready to go into this bucket and start this motherfucker? A ton of comedians signed up tonight for the chance to get their name pulled out of a bucket.

If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds on stage. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Fuck yeah. Sounds

vicious tonight. Let's start the show. You guys ready to see somebody get an uninterrupted 60 seconds and then anything can happen? Lately, we've had some crazy shit go on in this room, Andrew. We had a guy last week who said his name was on the wall and that he was a paid regular

but he was an insane person. He was completely crazy. So even if their name's on the wall, it could be fucked up. Put your hands together for Jamal Abel Harrison. Here we go.

Jamal Abel Harrison is coming from the audience. Here he comes. Hola, como estas? Hey, what's up everybody? My name is Jamal Abel Harrison. I like to drink. I like to get drunk.

Does anybody like to get drunk? Yeah, okay. But I also like to come to these comedy shows And I really feel as if it's The most counterproductive thing to do Is to get really drunk And then try and pay attention to people A lot So I tend to

That makes me very polarizing You know what I'm saying? When I'm in the crowd Because I'm not a heckler But but then comedians are, like, always being mean to me, you know, like, I seem like I'm the guy that you might want to be mean to, I guess. I tell, like, they're, like, always hitting me with, like, welfare jokes and things of the such. No, honestly, I ate a bunch of mushrooms. It's not like the best time for me to be doing this.

I didn't think you were going to call me tonight. So I'm like, oh, shit. Fuck yeah. Jamal Abel Harrison. Wow. That's so much tighter if I remember it. I'm excited about this. Dude, last time I was here, the last guy, the first last guy was on Mushrooms. Like, exact same scenario.

Was it you last time? Maybe when I was here? You sauntered up like you were on Mushrooms. That's the type of awesome crowds that we draw here at Kill Tony, is people that just recently took Mushrooms. That felt like you were live blogging.

I felt like you were just kind of talking. No, it sucks I bombed. I'm so much fucking better than that. Did I not bomb? Let me ask you something. Dude, that was bombing in the first degree, dog. Yo, if you ain't gonna say it, dog, I don't care. I'm a prisoner, dog.

I don't care. And he was talking about you say people like to make fun of you and stuff. Call it what it is. You's a bitch. Oh, shit. Wow. I might have a new favorite character immediately. Holy shit.

Hey, Jamal. So, all right. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two weeks. All right. Hell yeah. There you go. We love... I want to say I like him because he's cross-eyed like me. Like both of them. Hell yeah. Have you ever been to prison?

No. Where are you from? I'm from South Carolina. South Carolina. How long have you been in Los Angeles? Six years. Six years. When you were growing up in South Carolina, did you have this same style, or did that come because of L.A.?

A little of both. It's a lot of L.A. Are all your shoes Velcro? The ones I wear when I'm tripping. Hell yeah. Wow. Oh, look at the mushroom side over here. Very liberal side of this.

How many people are on mushrooms tonight? How many people are with you on mushrooms? I ain't going to call nobody out. Wow. Yeah, he ain't no snitch. He ain't no snitch. Come on, man. Jamal, what do you do for a living?

No, I'm just kidding. What do I do for a living? How do you make money? Why does that feel like a lie? Because it is. How do you make money? You don't want to talk about it? No.

Why? Jesus, shut up. What is it, Springer? Hold on, I'm chirping. How the fuck do I make money? How's the last thing I made money on? Hey, yo dawg. Oh, I sell vintage clothes as well.

Hey, yo dawg. That's tight. Hey, yo dawg. Yeah, prisoner, go ahead. Anybody ever tell you the body of a young tortoise? Yes, you didn't even hear. Have they? Have they ever told you that? I didn't even hear what he fucking said. Did he say you're the body of a young tortoise. Have they? Have they ever told you that?

I didn't even hear what he fucking said. He said you're the body of a young tortoise. That's pretty cool. I'll take that. Thank you, gingerbread man. Well, Jamal, tell us more about you. What do you do for fun? You know what? Fuck that.

Let's talk about what you talked about. You said that you drink a lot. How often do you drink? Every night? Yeah. What's your drink of choice? Cold beer. Cold beer.

I like watching him as well. Oh, my. Ever since he went from Comedy Central to CBS. Stephen Cold Bear. Delicious, delicious cold beer. You get money for beer from selling vintage clothes? Yeah. What else do I do?

I swear to God, I'm forgetting. If you have to think about it, you don't do anything. I doorman sometimes. If you're forgetting what you do, it must be a really shitty job. You doorman house parties? I doorman at gay events sometimes. I know some cool gay people that let me doorman at their events. It's called a back doorman at gay events sometimes. I know some cool gay people that let me doorman at their events. It's called a back doorman.

How much mushrooms did you eat tonight? That's my rapist Patty Raymond right there. Did you really eat mushrooms or did you just say that because that's what you say if you feel like you're bombing right at the end. You're like, oh, I'm okay. I ate mushrooms. I like that story. That works. Let's use that. It's better than what he used to say.

Did I do that? Yes! I know. We saw it coming, didn't we? There he is. Joel Burke has begun. The chants are powerful tonight. Very organic on the raw 25th anniversary.

Jamal, what do you do for fun? What are you into? Do you play any games or anything like that? I go out. You sort of remind me if Spielberg made it so that Bubba and Forrest Gump

had to be turned into one character for the movie. They're like, we need to combine the best parts of both of these guys. Aw, I heard somebody aw out there. It's a pussy-ass crowd tonight. Very reactive. I like that. I'm so glad I'm here. What do you keep in your fanny pack?

What do you keep in it? You keep things in your pockets as well, or do you go all fanny pack? Jamal, come on. Over here. Don't try to write. I'm trying to get them to play with me. Yeah, dog.

I ain't your puppet. Don't try to be a ventriloquist. I'm not going to say what you feed me, bitch. Yeah. These prisoners don't like sketches of any kind, if you know what I mean. Yeah, you about to get scared straight. Whoa, what is that, prisoner? Is that a little saxophone?

Yeah, I whittled it out of a bar of soap. Oh, shit. Jamal, how old are you? I'm 29 yesterday. My birthday was yesterday. Fuck, yeah. I made it. Well, you have the personality of a 32 year old

I'll tell you that Anything else interesting about you Jamal? Like if you made a dating profile What would that look like? Oh you don't want to see that It seems like you have no answers Jamal No fucking answers Do you do spoken word Jamal?

I mean I say things Into the microphone. There you go. Yo, that was poetic as hell. All right, Jamal. It was nice to meet you. There he is. Two weeks into the game.

Two weeks, Jamal. Keep doing it. It's a little tough under questioning, much like our band. But you can find Jamal Abel Harrison on Twitter. It's Slayer with like seven arms. When did every black guy look like they skateboard now? When did that become like the fucking... Remember when black kids were way cooler than us and now they're not anymore?

I'll tell you. Don't you remember that? When they were just way cooler than us and now they dress like us now? It doesn't make any sense. We used to dress like them our whole childhood. That's me now. That's what I look like now. It's that and it's also skateboards are easier to steal than bicycles. Way easier, yeah.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for A.J. Fajie. Fajie. A.J. Fajie. Here we go. Here he comes. A.J. Fajie. Yo, I moved here to your fine country a few years back.

Started finding out stuff about it that I didn't know. One thing I found out is apparently black people and Africans have beef in this country, to which naturally I said, nigga, what? That made no sense to me. I keep talking to one of my black homies. He said, let me know that apparently the beef is because we never came back for them. Africans never came back for them. Let me make something clear.

When we get here, we're not going back. Like, I got a family back home, a grandmother that loves me. Fuck them. They weren't quick enough. You know what I'm saying? I was wondering how we would even do that. How we would save our black brethren. Like with planes? Let me explain

the aviation situation in Nigeria. When me and my brothers would go to boarding school, our mom would put us on different flights. Why? Because planes crash all the time where I'm from. So that's what you gotta do. You gotta stagger your kids out so you don't lose the whole litter at once. You know what I'm saying?

Fuck yeah. That's very good. H.A. Faji. First of all, I want to give you props on how quickly you took off your glasses and fanny pack. It's very impressive. I wonder how many times I'm going to pull you out of the bucket tonight Where are you from AJ? I'm from Nigeria

Originally but uh Jesus Christ Dirty bastard But what are they saying In that part of that song? That shit Can we translate that? Do that part of that song? That shit, that shit. Can we translate that?

Do you know what that means? Okay, okay. Low-key, that's racist as hell. You assume I just know what that meant. But I'm pretty sure that's Swahili. I don't know what it means. It means no worries. I don't know what it means. It means no worries.

Brian Redman from Three Point Range. This is an unscripted show. Well played, well played, well played. SNL has to practice like 30 hours a fucking day. I'll take that, I'll take that. Wow. Look at that.

Fantastic. It means no worries. Unbelievable. There's so many diet black guys that are fans of your show. Diet black. Diet black? Diet black. African is diet black to you?

He's Nigerian, man. He's a big fan. We have a lot of Nigerian fans Black heavy, black extra Extra black? Let me see this beanie Oh no, it's just a thing I got in Amsterdam It's a diet black thing Sorry, I tried

Let me see though That looks like it would be your beanie. Yeah, this is mine. Yeah, man. That's a Kevin McCallister hat. You know what? Stop wearing our clothes. To be fair, it is from the Netherlands, so I guess you do have a point.

Oh, my God. Are you wearing the exact same shoes as the fucking last guy? Are you kidding me? What is that? Are we having an all Velcro shoe night tonight on Kelp Tony? Fuck yeah. Has this ever happened before? Autistic Mondays.

Wow. Jeremiah definitely does have Velcro shoes. Yeah, he does. His prisoner character also has Velcro shoes. Well, they took his laces at bookies. I want to say y'all are wrong, but you definitely do have a point right now. They don't let us wear shoelaces in prison because we might strangle the cops with them. This is a true story, y'all.

You don't have to laugh because y'all scared. Oh, fuck. All right. AJ, you were on the show recently, right? Yeah, last week, actually. Yeah. What did we find out about you? What was the meat and potatoes?

I'm a doctor of pharmacy. Yeah, you're, actually. What did we find out about you? What was the meat and potatoes? I'm a doctor of pharmacy. Yeah, you're a pharmacist. From Nigeria. Didn't talk about this. Went to college in Iowa. Lived in New York when I was younger. Then Dallas is where I started doing comedy. What made you decide to run here from

New York? To run here from New York? I didn't like I didn't like I didn't like I didn't like how I didn't like living in New York when I was younger. I didn't like how aggressive everybody was. It was too much for me to do. How long have you been in

LA now? In LA for like seven months now. What's your favorite thing about living in LA? I like the weather. I like the weather. That's definitely the best thing. I'm sorry that's not good enough for you. What else are you into? What else have you done for fun since

being here? Got on a lot of Tinder dates and stuff. That's rough. How did those go? You have some real animals that live out here. I would call them people, but that's not exactly... That means a lot coming from

Nigeria. It's unbelievable. Real animals out here. Meanwhile, you're used to lions and tigers and shit. It's very different from the average... Is that your ringtone? shit. Yeah, man. But I mean, it's very different from the average. Is that your ringtone? Whoa, Jesus, Brian.

What is that, your ringtone? Hey, Tony. Yeah, Prisoner Watkins. Go ahead. Yeah, I found a flaw in his premise for one of his jokes. Oh, yeah? What is it? He said Nigerians and Africans had beef. I thought they were starving

y'all. That's right. Holy shit. That's right. Does Faji mean something? My last name is Faji Molu. People have too hard a time trying to say that. What does it mean?

Queef in English. That doesn't mean anything. My first name, Ajibola, that means I wake up to find wealth. You wake up to find wealth? Yeah. Wow. Wow.

That's a lot to live up to. I guess, yeah. How's it going? I mean, it's decent. I mean, compared to comics, I'm doing great, but I mean... Take that, comics, you idiots. You mentioned going on Tinder dates. What's your racial preference?

Do you have that set to something? No, but it's like... Did he do that? I feel like not as many black girls get on Tinder. So it's like, I mean... So most of the dates that you've gone on have been with white women? No, I mean, white, Persian.

How did you feel about the Persian date? How did that go? Persian, I mean, I've been talking to people out here, and people give Persian people a lot of shit. I'm not sure why, but it actually was one of the better dates. You've only been here for seven months. Once you see them around enough, you'll get sick of them like we all do. Have you ever been on blackpeoplemeet.com? I don't like dating I don't like dating black girls

That only want to date black guys It upsets me I know what you're talking about I know what you're saying man I mean just because I feel like You don't want to relegate yourself If you want everybody to be equal, you can't at the same time be like, yo, everybody be equal

but fuck those white dudes on some other shit. That's the way I see it. When you said that the date with the Persian was one of the best ones, what does that mean? What did you guys do that night? Went to a System of a Down concert or something? No, it was just nice. Picked her up from a waxing appointment.

Went to her dad's rug store. No, it was just nice. Picture up from a waxing appointment. Went to her dad's rug store. No, it was just nice because, like I said, all the Tinder dates I've been going on, it's just been a lot of crazy individuals. So when I just had a regular date, it was just nice to have a regular date. One girl I linked up with, she, I guess, is

on a show called Transformation. Oh, that means she used to have a dick and now she's a woman. Exactly, exactly. Did it taste like she had a dick once? No, no, no. I kind of shut the shit down at that point, but it was just one of those things.

Oh, I want to ask you guys actually, because I don't know because I'm new here, but is it transphobic to not want to date a transgender person? Fuck yes. Yeah. That's transphobic? to not want to date a transgender person? Fuck yeah. Yeah. That's transphobic to not want to. Hey, man, I would never have even gone on that first date.

You did way more than I did. No, no, that's. Jesus Christ. I didn't get to. I wasn't a ghost dick. Go to forhims.com slash killtony. That's forhims.com slash killtony. It's not transphobic if you don't want that.

That's what I'm saying. I don't have a problem with it, but I just specifically... What I wouldn't give to have her in here with me. In jail. What just happened? I think Joel Berg had a stroke.

Should I explain it? There's not a lot of girls in jail. Oh, shit. We're going to put you in solitary for that one, Joel Burke. All right. AJ. Do you fuck on every Tinder date? No, no.

Almost. Some. Not everyone. But you fucked the Persian that day. Yeah. Yeah. Did you notice she was a little hairy? No.

Well, no. I mean, on the head. I mean, that sounds kind of obvious, but yeah. Did you ever talk to her again? Yeah, yeah. I'm still talking to her. She's pretty cool. Wow.

Yeah. Noble guy. I feel like you were very surprised about keeping up with this Persian person. Yeah, I am. What is the bad stereotype? I actually want to know. Why is it that with the Persian woman you decide to use the words keeping up with?

No, I'm saying like... Is that a trend? No, we're still dating. That's what I'm saying. The parents definitely don't know, right? No, not yet. I don't think so. They're never going to know.

You don't think so? No, no, no. Definitely they don't know. No, no. All right, AJ. What is this big black man in the car? Who is this? Wait till, oh my God.

Can we record that? I would love to see that on tape. Yeah. What are you, 6'3"? 6'5". 6'5"? Yeah. Yeah.

Little Persian dad that's 4'2". Do you know what her dad does? Hates black people? Her dad, like... That's one of the things. Her dad actually walked out on the family. She only keeps up with the mom. So now he really hates black people.

Now he's on the hunt. He walked out on them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess he calls and stuff. Actually, no, she said that he cares about the grandkids but doesn't care about his actual kids. It's always good to meet a girl who doesn't have father issues, so that's a fantastic start.

No daddy issues. You're good, man. No, they're definitely issues. Yeah, I'm being facetious. I know, I know. Her father walked out on her. It's going to be very dangerous for anybody. But good luck, man.

Thank you. H.A. Fodgy, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. H.A. F-A-J-I. H.A. Fodgy. It's incredible how short he was able to shorten his name to. H.A. Fodgy. Where did Prisoner Watkins go?

Jailbreak. Nice.J. Fodgy. Where did Prisoner Watkins go? Jailbreak. Nice. Alright. He's having severe pain from holding that cross. He has to go take breaks. He's committed. Now we're left with the... My name's Dozenuts.

Dozenuts? Yeah, you know like Deeznuts? Yep. This Dozenuts. Alright, Doze Nuts. Doze Nuts? Yeah, you know like Deez Nuts? Yep. This Doze Nuts. All right, Doze. And then you're sitting there next to it, the police officer from the village people. And we still have Cheech over here. Yeah, man.

Different types of people can get along, honey. Get used to it. I pulled another name out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Daniel Balshen. Balshen. Daniel Balshen. Here we go. How's it going? Popular to contrary belief, I'm a virgin.

You know, I'm just holding out for the right woman, you know, or any lady of the night that takes food stamps. My parents are from Ukraine. My mom is gorgeous, beautiful. My dad's a stud. Who do I blame for this? Chernobyl. My parents only speak Russian at home, and I have an American friend who lives in my house. He thinks every time they talk, shit's going down. Dima, давай, ты едешь куда? Давай, пожалуйста, я поехал, давай, с лимоном. He's like, dude, what's going on? What did he say?

She asked him if he wants some tea. Yeah, what did he say? He said, yeah, with a lemon. Dima, давай, я этим чистку. Хорошо, я поехал. What is it now? Fuck yeah, Daniel Balsh. No, it's fine.

How's it going? What's the punch? What was the punch? It goes on for another like two lines. Oh. Never mind. That's not the punch This is good This is the first time we've ever had

A young Count Chocula on the show before So I'm really pumped about that Has anyone ever told you you look a little bit vampiric? Uh Not vampiric. One. No, I actually gained some weight.

Yeah? All blood? Yeah. Are you really a virgin? Yeah, I am. What the fuck? Why? Really?

How old are you? A couple of reasons. A couple of reasons. One, when I was like 15, my mom told me if I knock up a girl, I have to get married to her. Are you Persian? How old are you now? 23. That's okay. That's alright. You're alright.

It's okay. It's not like I'm afraid. It's okay. That was amazing. That's how my dad talks to me. I know, I know, I understand. So, I mean, you do know that you could have sex with people and not have babies, right? Are you just cream pie or nothing at all? I mean, what's your theory here?

My mom told me when I was 15 that if I get someone knocked up, I have to marry... It's so backward. You're going to fuck a girl, you have to fill her up. Don't be a pussy. Fill her up all the way. Don't bitch out, Milos. I like to say I'm very old-fashioned. Wait, is it Daniel? No, Milos.

Milos Belskin. How do you say your last name? Balshin. Balshin. Balshin. Sounds like your ancestors could have been cream pyres as well We are the Bolshins Call them the Bolshins

So how far have you gotten with the check? What's your thing? You're just the pussy eating king of the universe? No, I've never gotten that far Are you the... Wow This is exactly the episode I wanted to show my parents to. Are you like the Khabib of fingering? How far have we gotten?

No, I just went kissing. Just kissing. Can you show us on the gay police officer how you kiss? I've never done mustache. Have you frenched before? Yeah

Have you touched some titties before? Yes But they want you to go further And you say no I just never But if a girl You make it out And it's like

You know Trying to keep it going And you're like I gotta shut it down No I'm not making a joke I've only went I've only made out at clubs

Never brought a girl home So you make out at the club, and you just dance the night away. Just dance the night away. Have you ever been making out with a girl at a club, and she's just been like, oh, I just want to fucking take your dick and just fucking shove it inside me.

Whoa. And you ever respond just like, no, I can't get you pregnant. Like that. I just see him kissing a girl and dancing away and her being like, another gay guy at the club. I can't fuck. I really think you're really cool

and you're hot and shit. But honestly, my mom, when I was 15, told me that if I got a girl pregnant, I'd have to marry her. And I'm not ready to marry you yet. Well, good for you.

You're saving it. That's fantastic. I'm sure there's plenty of women out there. When you shoot that first load inside of a girl, you're going to blow her asshole out. Do you jerk off a lot? I wouldn't say a lot. What's a lot?

No? I wouldn't say a lot. What's a lot? Where are you storing all of it? Where could it be? say a lot. What's a lot? No. I wouldn't say a lot. What's a lot? Where are you storing all of it? Where could it be? Who can you get to admit for us how often you jerk off? Since

you wouldn't say it's a lot. So not every day? Not every day. Every other day? Sometimes. So you know how your hand feels? Take your finger real quick. Why? No, seriously, take your finger. Which one? Just anything.

Just take a finger. Now touch the inside of your cheek. I'm good. Touch it, touch it, touch it. No, I'm fine. Just touch it real quick. I touched this pole. I just did it.

I just touched this pole. I can't put... My mom told me when I was 12 that if I put bacteria in my mouth, I'm going to... This is going to be... You're going to super cut, edit this to him just saying, I don't fuck girls.

I touch this pole. This is going to be bad. My mom's a nurse, so I see some pretty crazy stuff. Yeah, like what? You go to work with your mom a lot? Actually, I work part-time at my mom's work, yeah. Really? What do you do there?

I was storing files. Storing files? More like staring over filing cabinets at girls masturbating. Come on, Daniel. We know the truth. This was the collusion guy for the Trump thing. This was the perfect cover-up. Do you have wet dreams a lot?

No. How many times have you had a wet dream? One. Two. No. How many times have you had a wet dream? One. Two.

The girls are like... Fuck yeah. Daniel, so, I mean, it seems like you're really not going to, like, what's your plan when it comes to, like, feeling out what type of girl might end up being the one? I take it really slow.

Like, really slow. Wait a second. I think we have that figured out, Daniel. You told us you're a virgin. How slow do you take it? Where do you pump the brakes? Other than on hello. I don't know.

Three, four dates before probably the club thing I was drunk but if I was to actually like a girl and go all the way it would probably be three, four dates and then see if my parents like her I don't know

wow you're really close with your parents do you live with them? yeah I live at home Daniel you bring back girl, we have to watch you fuck her, okay? And dad is like, finish inside! Finish inside! Don't pull out!

Daniel, you pull out! I actually feel like my parents are more of a turn-off than me, so if I bring a girl home, my dad walks around like shirtless in the house with like, see his Puma sweatpants up to here. It's the most awkward thing. Whoa.

Let me tell you something. All jokes aside, I'm sure you can get pussy if you try. You're holding out. That's a good thing. But I bet you there's someone here that would fuck you. I guarantee there's a girl that would fuck you. Is there a girl out there that's willing to fuck Daniel tonight? There's got to be.

Put your hands down. The guy on mushrooms just raised his hand. All right, Daniel. I actually have a thing. But chicks like nice guys, dude, so you keep this up. You'll get a good chick. You'll get a good girl.

For real. Oh, yeah. I'm dead serious because you're not a piece of shit. You'll do fine. By 30. Huh? By 30.

Yeah. Just whenever the fuck you meet a girl that you finally want to bone just be like, look, I'm fucking taking it easy and she'll probably be like, alright Daniel, then pound me, let's go. Just the other day at home my dad goes, whoa, time out.

That's a weird transition from what I just said. Just the other day at home my dad was like My dad asked me if I ever want to bring a girl home. I go, I can have sex at home. And my mom goes, with who, yourself? Wow. Jesus.

Wow, you got fucking roasted by your Slovakian mother. Croatian? What are they known for? Do you know how to figure skate and shit? I'm not Croatian. No, no, he said... What is it? What did you say?

What are you? I'm Russian. Russian. Ukrainian, no. He said... What is it? What did you say? What are you? I'm Russian. Russian. Ukrainian. Ukrainian, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Why do your... Why does the...

Like, the Russian signs here in the Russian neighborhood? You know, like, all the Russian storefronts? Why is it all vowels? Why is it all... It's all vowels. Does it look like vowels to you? Yeah, it looks like I's and E's and O. It's all...

Well, the O is the same. The O is the same. The O is the same. What about everything else? Duh. The E looks like a backwards N. Hmm. Yeah.

All those stores look so shady. Like there's a vacuum repair store down there. You guys fixing a lot of vacuums? Not that I know of. Yeah. Daniel, you seem like a good guy. Plumbing business. You're a virgin.

You live with your parents. You file things for a job. Let me ask you. I don't work there anymore. Oh, what do you do now? I'm a student. What are you studying? CSUN.

What's that? Whoa, the sun is not good for vampires. California State University, Northridge. Northridge, yeah. Okay. So what are you studying? Screenwriting. Ah.

Shout out. I went to USC. Got a screenwriting? Screenwriting. Shout out, I went to USC, got a screenwriting degree from there. Statistically, CSUN is way better than USC. Oh! What's up, dog? You keep talking to that prisoner that way, I think you're going to lose your virginity.

I think so, too. You know it. So, Daniel, I'm trying to get something out of you here. Well, you picked a career. Screenwriting is a good career. They get a lot of pussy. Don't those writers get tons of pussy? No.

No. No, they don't. Still going to be sitting at home. So Daniel, what's the most rebellious thing you've ever done? You live with your parents. What's the sneakiest thing that you do or get away with or they don't know about? Something that you do. You know what's the most rebellious thing you've ever done? You live with your parents. Like, what's the sneakiest thing that you do or get away with or they don't know about? Like, something that you do.

You know what's funny? The first time I went on the show, you asked me the same exact question. Oh, you've been on the show before? Yeah. Wow. Well, I haven't been out here in over a year, so. Was that where you live up in Northridge? No, close.

I live in, like, Tarzana or Reseda, so. Okay. Yeah. What time is your flight back? The way he said it. I haven't been out here in so long. It takes a while to get out of here. The most rebellious thing I've ever done?

I don't even remember what I said back then. I just remember it led to this guy explaining how he fucked a chick in a roller coaster or some shit. That wasn't me. this guy explaining how he fucked a chick in a roller coaster or some shit. John's trying to up me that one time I left home at 1am. You're pretty cocky for never getting your dick wet. Do you ever hear your parents fuck? No, but I know when it happens.

How do you know? Because my mom's happy. Wow, really? You want a sandwich? I just filled your mother up. How do you know? Because my mom's happy. Wow, really? Wow. You want a sandwich? I just filled your mother up. Daniel Balsham, there he goes. Not even on Twitter.

That's a real-life virgin, ladies and gentlemen. Pretty sure if you give him $100, he'll shoot like a virgin load on a paper towel for you You could take it home or something Cool The load of a virgin That first nut's gonna be so Oh my god

I'm excited for him After he nuts the first time he's gonna turn into a bat And finally be free. My mom was wrong about having to marry the one I impregnated. Alright. Pull the name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Chelsea Warner.

Here we go. Chelsea Warner. So I've been enjoying the... Hold on. So I've been enjoying the story about how Trump has been, or had an affair with porn star Stormy Daniels, and she did it to get a gig on The Apprentice like that's that's not that great but when you think about it you know Quentin Paltrow probably fucked Harvey Weinstein to get in Shallow Howe I just like it makes me think like

how much money would they have to spend for me to bang one of these guys you know like I feel like Trump would have to liquidate all of Trump Tower just to get me to bang one of these guys. I feel like Trump would have to liquidate all of Trump Tower just to get me to hug him. So I don't know. I just feel like I kind of weirdly respect these women. It's kind of like when Anna Nicole Smith's nine-year-old husband died and people were debating whether or not she

deserved that money. I'm thinking yes she does. No one else had to suck a nine-year-old man's dick. That shit's like Fear Factor. If I was on Fear Factor and they said you either have to suck a nine-year-old man off to completion or eat a bowl of cockroaches, yeah, I'm going to go for the cockroaches. Fucking Chelsea Warner. Is that true?

You'd really go for the cockroaches? Actually, I thought about that, like for reals. And I'd probably suck the night eel. All right. I had a feeling. No, I've lived in a couple of, I've lived in Hollywood, let's say. That's all I have to say. What does that mean?

It means I've had a cockroach crawl on me while I was in bed with a guy. On my face. A cockroach crawl on my face. Wow. Yeah. Do you guys still fuck? People know. People face. A crocodile on my face. Wow. Yeah. Do you guys still fuck? People know. This was like four years ago now.

Was he a cockroach block? No, actually no. I never, no, we like didn't even do anything. He literally just crashed and then I'm, that's

He fell asleep after the cockroach attack? No, I'm gonna say it's probably anticlimactic why I never saw him again because Yeah. I got a couple of hints.

Yeah. Yeah. It's all good. You've been on the show before? What are you afraid of? Me? What's your greatest fear in life? This is just a recent thing. Airplanes. I just took a cross-country train to New Jersey.

Oh my god. You people. It's like a phobia. You got like an airplane phobia. Because what? You've only flown a few times in your life. No, I've flown like hundreds of times. Yeah, I'm done.

Well, I'm not done. I'll do it again. I just want to limit how many times I fly. Because they're always crashing? Well, actually, no. Ever since Trump, there's been no aviation. That's exactly right. No, actually, I think it's actually...

You got like nasty ass feet or something? You don't want to take your shoes off at airport security. Actually, the last time I flew, they weren't doing that. Like I went on a plane in 2014 and they're like, oh, you can't have any liquid. Like I had like wine with me and like, yeah, they weren't doing that back when I was actually flying. You were taking a bottle of wine with you on a plane in 2014? Wow. All right, Chelsea. I was of age. Hashtag girls trip. a bottle of wine with you on a plane in 2014? Wow. All right, Chelsea.

Hashtag girls trip. So what's your phobia from? It's actually logical. It's actually logical. So I've been on planes many times. Basically, when my parents got divorced and we didn't have any more vacations, I didn't fly anymore. The reason I don't like to fly

is you have no control whatsoever. If that plane is going down, I can't save myself. Like on a train, on a bus, there's like emergency exits, a car. I can, I am I'm not completely helpless basically. So that's what I can't get over is the helplessness.

I'm gonna fly again. I just, that's why I try to avoid it. You should try locking yourself in a storage container. Chelsea. See how you like that shit. I forgot. I forgot. You've done a hard time.

Sorry. I grew up Harry Potter style. So you think you're helpless on an airplane, but in a car, you're fine. Well, at least I have some sort of control. That's the thing, is having some sort of say in an argument. So if a guy's speeding at you

and just hits you and kills you, you think you could have controlled it? The train derails, you think you're going to be able to jump off? I mean, I live in LA, no one's going that fast. There's like millions of red lights. When's the last time you were in love? That's a good question, go ahead. That is a very good question.

I don't want to answer that. You don't? I'd rather talk about being a sex slave than talk about that. Are you a sex slave? No, no. Sounds like you're ready as't want to answer that. You don't? I'd rather talk about being a sex slave than talk about that. Are you a sex slave? No. Sounds like you're ready as fuck to talk about that. I was on the show like a month ago. Oh, and we found out you were a sex slave

a month ago? For like a week. How do I never remember anything that happens on the show? Remember? She's the dominatrix. Remember? So you have been in a storage container. I was not a dominatrix. You wanted me to be though, I know. So you were the sex slave? Bitches, man. I know. Wait. You were the bitchiest man. Don't trust him. What have you done as a sex slave?

Peed on feet. What? Remember? No, I don't. Is that true? He's saying remember. No, I didn't say anything I did. I talked around it.

No. I didn't reveal anything, and I will not know. Oh. So what did you do? What did... Actually, it was pretty vanilla for, like, sex slavery. I would imagine. But I'm not going to say anything.

What do flavors have to do with this? What did you do? Wow. Sounds like you were a sex intern. No, I'm actually a New Year, New Me. I'm now a sex indentured servant. Wait, what did you just say? She's an indentured servant. I said New Year, New Me.

I'm now a sex indentured servant. I'm sorry. There was a lot of racist jokes that was going on. I thought I could pitch into that. I liked it. I liked it. What do you do-do? What do I do-do?

I'm an accountant or bookkeeper at a robotics company. You don't look like a bookkeeper. I mean, I went to film school. I wasn't like... Yeah, did you go to USC film school for screenwriting? Because I did. You know, I know a screenwriter that goes

to Northridge. No, USC is better. If that's what you did, I was sitting over there. I was like, CSUN isn't better than USC for filmmaking. Chelsea, over here. I'm sorry. I'm being nice to him. I like him this time. What? I said I like him this time. Chelsea. You've forgotten everything.

It's cool. Are you in a relationship? Yeah, I know. I do conjugal visits to these guys. Chelsea, stop trying to be funny. It's not working. You keep doing it. I don't know what improv course you took.

You leave that to the pros, kiddo. Just answer the questions honestly. This is not your UCB level 2 black belt. No, don't even. I don't do improv. You can tell I don't do improv. So what do you do for fun? You seem like you have a wild double life.

You know what I mean? See what he remembers. A wild double life. Nobody remembers your last appearance on this show. Stop referencing it because it's making this one horrible sorry we can just cut it short if this is so painful for you

I'm sorry I know we could or you could just answer the questions that I'm asking for fun the normal boring shit that everybody does I go to concerts I go to fucking thrift stores what kind of concerts what did you see lately? What did you do today?

That's the easiest question anybody's asked tonight. Oh, God. I'll be truthful. I was with a gynecologist this morning. So I didn't have a fucking cool day. That's great. Okay, now we're getting something out of you. My stepfather's a gynecologist.

What happened at the gyno? Was it regular checkup or genius? Sounds like someone got a rough test result if you ask me. You have a fucking little attitude on here. It was a bad day. I know. I'm pregnant with your baby, Tony. One second I have my feet up in the air

finding out I have fucking herpes and the next day of you asking me what's fun about my life. I'm just a bookkeeper, Tony! It's not fun. Tell me what happened to the gyno. It was regular, but I have a male gynecologist now. That's kind of scary. Tight, tight.

That's not what he said. Oh, shit. Oh, my. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Wow. That was solid. So it was a good report back from the gyno today? It was a good report back, but

it's just, it's definitely weird because it's a guy, they just like shove everything up there with like no regard for everything. Yeah. He's like my iPhone, my car keys. Got to get everything up there.

Just your normal guy in college. I can't afford a storage unit in this city. It's going to be your pussy. Now get out of here, Chelsea. This is what happens when you have Obamacare. You don't get to get a woman. They get elbow deep. Wait, is that what it is?

You have Obamacare so you get a man? Oh no, I asked them. I said, I was like, please. I've never had a man. You literally get Barack Obama as your gynecologist in Obamacare. He's free. Pretty normal pussy.

Sasha? Malia? Pretty normal pussy. Michelle? Can you identify what this organ is? What is this little knob? I feel like he would be really gentle. Michelle? She divorces him. what this organ is. What is this little knob? I feel like he would be really gentle. Michelle? So it... What is this? Michelle?

She divorces him. So it was a clean bill of health from the guy now? That's interesting. Seems like... Yeah, it's like an annual thing. You seem like your pussy would wear glasses.

Like little pussy glasses. You mean little pussy glasses? Little pussy glasses. You guys picture it? Yeah, little pussy glasses. Little pussy glasses. You guys picture it? Yeah, a pussy glass. And it rests on the frame of the click. I'm the only one

that can picture it. It's adorable. Right on the click is where the nose bridge is. They're normal size. I can see that's so funny.

Pussy glasses are so good. I might start making them. I also had another great idea today. Something's wrong with my pussy.

Your pussy needs glasses, ma'am. I know. Your pussy's nearsight pussy Your pussy needs glasses ma'am I know Your pussy's nearsighted It needs glasses It needs contacts I thought there was a Viagra water I was like is that really this Calm down

Alright Tony what was your other great idea today Nah forget it I'm just gonna move on I actually don't wanna give it away I was just chilling in Viagra earlier so You shit on Trump a bunch right Is that what right. You shit on Trump a bunch, right? Is that what it was? You shit on Trump a bunch?

A bunch? I mean, everybody does. You know the show is sponsored by Trump. Did you march? Did you march? Oh, yeah. Well, no, I didn't march. I just stood there, but yeah.

I did my part. What did your sign say? Oh, my sign was good. Okay. So it said. Your sign was like, my pussy wears glasses. No, I know. Yeah.

That would have actually been better. No, my sign said. Let's sell pussy glasses at the next march. For real. I have another idea that I came up with today when I was really high about having necklaces that have like little, and there's just like a little like cage, a tiny little cage on the necklace. And people would be like, what's that?

And I'd be like, that's my necklace cage. Jesus. Another good idea. This is all going into my new stoner by merch magazine. What did you ask about the water? Necklace cage? Really? I thought it was brilliant.

What did your sign say? My sign said, Donald Trump is sensitive to fake news because all he's ever seen are fake orgasms. Boom. Trump was like, oh, you got me. The final blow. You beat the bad guy in the video game with that one. I'm melting back down. And 90,000 other white girls were like, right on. Let me grab that.

I know. So many people asked to take pictures of my sign. And then this little boy Can I put that on Instagram? Can I gram that? I'm gonna gram that. That's so crazy. I like your sign. I'm like, you don't know what it means. These all-women's marches are incredible. That's what I want. I was like, I want to go just to have a really snarky

sign. I, you know. I need to update my gram. You don't really support women's rights? You just want to do sign shit? No. Yeah. My gram has been dead Zs for LOL. And I'm like, I got to go update it. What did you ask about the water? Chelsea.

So let me ask you this. What the fuck was it? No, that's it. That's good enough. Chelsea, have a good night. There she goes, Chelsea. It'll be erased good enough. Chelsea, have a good night. There she goes, Chelsea. It'll be a race next time. Chelsea Warner.

I like it. That was Chelsea Warner. Anything can happen. One of the top Young Rising librarians in the world. Chelsea Warner. Anyway, what else is going on? She seems like the type of girl that's heavily invested in Bitcoin. She knows about it.

You guys having fun out there? All right, this is interesting. I always say that one-word names are the best. I don't know if we've seen this person before. Have we? No? Put your hands together for Rory. Rory. Rory.

R-O-R-I. R-O-R-I, Rory. Where's Rory? Blacklisted. She knows him. Why did you get so excited? Oh. Where is she?

Rory's not here? She tried to rape Wee Man. So she's not around? Oh, she's gone. Sounds like a good mom. Did she crack the window? A little bit of air for the kid. We know this young man.

It's been a long time, I feel like, since he's been on the show. He's been on for years. A very, very, actually really funny comedian. Put your hands together for Dan Nolan, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, no. Oh, here he is. Yes. The real Dan Nolan.

What's going on? I'm recovering heroin addicts. Coming up on three years sober in a couple weeks. Thanks. That's not... All right. Saturdays are still my cheat day. Shooting heroin is a pain in the ass though

You gotta find somewhere to do it My favorite place to shoot heroin Was Chipotle Just cause nobody wonders Why you've been in the bathroom for 25 minutes I bought crack one time By accident I was trying to buy heroin Simple misunderstanding I bought crack one time by accident I was trying to buy heroin

simple misunderstanding you think buying crack would be intimidating imagine having to return it I went back to the guy I was like I'm sorry I didn't want crack

I wanted heroin he just looks at me and goes how you know you don't like crack I was like can I speak to your manager please and he just looks at me and goes, how you know you don't like crack? I was like, can I speak to your manager, please? That's a minute, right? That's exactly a minute.

Dan Nolan. Thank you. We're coming up on the five-year anniversary of Kill Tony coming up in June. It's going to be a real hoot. I don't want to give too much away, but I had some Twitter messages going on with Ichabod this week, Kill Tony legend.

And I feel like you have been one of the people that's been doing the show almost that entire length, right? Three years. Yeah, I got here like three years ago. Oh, okay. Well, it seems like longer. And you're very funny. Always good sets. What's been going on in life? I feel like it's been a while since we've seen you

You went to New York for a while Yeah, I went all over the country It took like six months Hiked the Appalachian Trail Hiked part of the Appalachian Trail He's deep in bitcoins now No, I sold it all two weeks ago Right before everything crashed

It was so crazy Wow I got in it right before it went crazy And then I got out right before it crashed How much did you make? I made like 11 grand. Wow, that's great. Hell yeah, absolutely.

It started with 1,200 bucks, but I did a bunch of the altcoins and all the other weird shit. I made a ton of money. It was so crazy. Did you, now, was it easy to get the cash? Was it easy to sell it and then have the cash? I got it the day after I sold it. That's great. Hell yeah, just like you used to do with your heroin.

Yeah. Anyway, so what else is going on in life? You made money from Bitcoin. I sold it. That's great. Hell yeah. Just like you used to do with your heroin. Yeah. Anyway. So what else is going on in life? You made money from Bitcoin. Yeah, I just got a new apartment. I just moved in this week. I took all the money out, got a new apartment.

And you were crashing on couches. Yeah, I was living on Comedy Store. Roast Battle Champion, Frank Castillo's couch for like two years. Is part of the agreement with you living on his couch that you have to call him Roast Battle Champion,

Frank Castillo? Well, since I lived on his couch, let me give you some of his credits. Frank calls it rent. Yeah. Hey, Dan. Yeah. What happened the first time you went to take a shower when you were in prison? What were you going through mentally?

I remember the first time I took a shower. Well, I was kicking heroin. It was a private shower, though, because I was in the medical ward. So I was very excited to take a shower. Were you tripping on balls on withdrawal, and you thought the water was spiders and shit? No, it was a really nice shower that I enjoyed very much. But the rag was really rough to the touch and shit.

No. Is that bit over? That's what I was wondering. Did it ever start? So what else? Anything else good? You have a girlfriend or anything like that?

No, I got a new job. Just started a new job. Oh yeah? What's your new job? I You have a girlfriend or anything like that? No, I got a new job. You started a new job. What's your new job? I work for a subscription watch company. A subscription watch? Yeah, it's like a watch of the month club. They just send you a watch every fucking month? Yeah, and you don't get to pick the watch.

Who needs that many fucking watches? Why would you want that many watches? I don't know. Yeah, people call up after like three months and they're like, I didn't know this was going to be this many watches. You didn't realize the watch of the month club was going to be too big? Dan, is it called Watch This? Yeah.

Oh, that's so funny. Everybody calls month three saying they do. So you do sales for them? No, I do phone center. Yeah, just customer service. So you just take calls from fucking idiots? Yeah, people that are like, this is every month? And I'm like, yeah, it's a fucking subscription watch.

How much is the subscription? Well, there's three different tiers. Give it to me. They all come from your eyes. There's three months in. What are the tiers? Well, there's actually a fourth. Dan, what if I asked you about the shower thing again?

I said, what happened to the shower that you, what were you going through in the shower that you took after you got out of prison? And you're like, oh yeah, I was raped. Yeah. So anyway, these watch tears. Let's hear about these tears. There's the original subscription.

It's $30 a month. There's the black subscription, which is $100 a month. Wait, the what? The black subscription? It's African American. They always charge them more. What's the black subscription, which is $100 a month. Wait, the what? The black subscription? It's African-American. They always charge them more. They always charge them more. What's the first one called? The first one is just watch of the month.

Not stolen watches? It's just the watch of the month club is $30, and the black tier is $100, and then the platinum tier is $300. Whoa. That sounds like the black tier as well. Yeah. The platinum tier is also the super black tier. That's what that is. And it's $100 for the same, just better watches?

Yeah, you get super, way fancy. We also have a really fancy one where you get Rolexes or whatever. So you're on the phone with it. Let's say we're directly, let's say you're working your job on the phone and I call up. All right. Are you ready? Okay. Okay.

Here we go. Watch gang, this is Dan speaking. How can I help you? Hey, what's up? My name's Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. Hi, Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm looking to get some watches,

and I realize that I just don't have the time anymore because I'm working on so many projects to go to an actual store and pick out a watch, but I fucking love watches so fucking much that I actually want some sent to me. So how does it work over there? You just go to our website, watchgang.com. Wait, wait, wait. What if I wanted to do it with you?

You can't do it with me. You're not allowed to give your credit card information. You're not allowed to do that over there. They don't allow me to give my credit card information to heroin addicts? That's right. I'd like to speak to your manager. All right, well, it seems like everything's good. You have a new place.

You just have new, fresh Bitcoin money that you don't know what to do with. Yeah, well, I spent a lot of it on the apartment and furniture and shit. Wow. You already spent a lot of it on the apartment? Well, it was $10,000. It was like $2,500 to put down on the new place, plus the next month's rent, $1,200. So that's $3,600 right there. I left $3,000 on, which is now $1,600, because everything crashed.

But, yeah, I got the other like $8,000 or $9,000 or whatever. That would be cool then if there was a chalkboard up here with a big-ass math problem. Dan went up and solved it and walked off stage. Are you going to meetings and stuff? Is that how you stay clean? I did for a while. I haven't been to a meeting in probably six months or something. You don't need it.

Yeah, it's fucking... I'm over it. No, then you grabbed a mop and started mopping the stage. Yeah, you figured it out. You got it. Yeah, I feel fine. If shit gets wonky... How do you fill the void that you have,

that you miss doing heroin so much? What do you think and what do you do? I don't know, just comedy and... Comedy's a good one. Comedy, pretty much. Like, I used to go to meetings and stuff, but every time I go on stage, 90% of the time I start with,

hey, I used to do heroin, blah, blah, blah, and I talk about it. So it's just as cathartic as going to meetings. Well, you're a great fucking comedian. Thank you. You did great. There you go, Dan Nolan. Thanks.

Goes to show you persistence. Three years. Always fun. That was nice to see a real comedian come up here and do jokes that's like a relief is that not a relief for some of you people in the audience

that's gotta be fucking fun speaking of a comedian that comes up here and does jokes we have a regular on this show

that writes and performs a brand new 60 seconds every week and just wanna let you guys know that this is a little fun fact for you her final set

as a Kill Tony regular so you're witnessing history right now. As I bring up someone who I, you know, we watch her write and perform a new minute every week, always amazing. She's been doing it for years now, literally like three years. Put your hands together

for the great Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. Hi. Hi, I'm Allie. I'm a comedian, and when I tell people that, they like to ask me, oh, what do you joke about? What do you talk about on stage? And I'm like, my life?

And they're never happy with that answer. I'm like, oh, actually I'm a comedian, but I talk about my friend Steve who does kind of some funny things. I just recently ended a relationship that I was in. I know, thank you. I met my boyfriend on Halloween and I was dressed as Guy Fieri. on Halloween and I was dressed as Guy Fieri. Yeah, so it was kind of confusing. Every time things started to get heated up, he'd be like, take me to Flavortown. And honestly, I have no idea where that is. I can't even find my G spot. I was at the aquarium the other day and there were so many cute kids and I was excited to see them. I love kids but because I have this haircut, the parents

are like, how much do you love kids? Okay. Go ahead. Is that the end of it? Is that it? Fuck yeah. A new minute from Ali Madofsky. Who'd you go to the aquarium with?

I went with this guy, Andrew Santino and Ari Maness. We went to the aquarium together. Oh, is this true? Wow. Yeah, it was fun. Damn, she let you check out her fish tank, bro? It was smelly. It was smelly.

She got a great snapper, dude. We had a really good time. Yeah. Yeah, we had a good time at the aquarium. Ari ruined it, but it was good. Yeah, Ari was such a buzzkill. Such a fucking buzzkill. He got us in trouble. He got us kicked out. Really? Yeah, he tried to steal a kid.

He picked up someone's kid and started running. He started running with him. So he got us kicked out. Guys, if you know Ari Maness, he's here tonight. He works here. I'll point him out to you guys. He's a kid fucker, and he's here. And if you guys could all write a note to the comedy store getting him fired.

And he told us, too. He was like, is it cool if I go fuck a kid? And we were like, it's on you. It's on you. I'm not going to stop you. Yeah. In this climate, I'm not going to stop someone from doing something. No.

You guys let him fuck a kid? We didn't let him. We were just like, it's up to you. You're an adult. It's an aquarium. You know what I mean? Anything goes in an him. We were just like, it's up to you. You're an adult. It's an aquarium. You know what I mean? Like anything goes in an aquarium. No rules at the aquarium. So you broke up with your boyfriend. Is that true?

You were Guy Fieri? When we met, I was Guy Fieri. And he still wanted... The relationship ended. It wasn't anyone's fault. I was just like not trying to fuck someone who wants to fuck Guy Fieri. There comes a time. But you did for six months.

We didn't date for six months. It was like two months. Brian doesn't have a calendar. Why did you want to move on? Did you want to break up and move on? It was also hard because he's a comedian. So I was like, I don't want to go down that route. So it was you. like, I don't want to go down that route.

So it was you. Yeah, I broke up with him. But did you love him? Yeah, but I wasn't in love. Pat showing genuine interest right now. This is really sweet. I like this. Go on.

So, Allie, you have been doing this show off and on. So, Allie, you have been doing this show off and on at times before even you were legally allowed to be here, right? Yeah. I remember when I first started, I was 20. Yeah, I was 20, and then two weeks after I became a regular,

the Comedy Store cracked down, so I only did two episodes as a regular, and then I was out until 21. Yeah. And you had signed up for the bucket previous to that. We had met you through that, right? Yeah. Anyway, so, and here you are, three years later, all grown up. Your final episode as a regular.

How was Kill Tony? Have you had any experiences from Kill Tony, like opening for Russell Peters last week? Did that come out of Kill Tony? Have you had any experiences from Kill Tony, like opening for Russell Peters last week? Did that come out of Kill Tony? Did you get anything out of this experience? Yes, I got a lot out of this experience. It taught me to come up with premises constantly, and even if they don't work, keep working on them.

And Russell Peters, I got to do guest spots with him and just have fun up here. Meet a lot of cool comics that I look up to and go to the aquarium with them. Well, it's been a pleasure having you on. Always fun, and we're all very proud of you. Thank you. There she goes, the great Allie Makovsky.

Bye, Allie. Bye, Allie. Bye, Allie. Bye, All. Bye, Ally. Bye, Ally. Bye, Ally. Bye, Ally. Goodbye. One of the best comedians in the world one day. Farewell.

Goodbye. Yeah. Now as a special treat for you, we're going to show you the man who we are going to try to convince to become the newest regular on Kill Tony and write and perform a new minute every single week as a special treat to all of us. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a new minute

from the stylings of our friend, the great and powerful Wee Man! Fuck yeah! The great Jason Acuna! Come on, Comedy Store, make some fucking noise! How's it going? Good? My friends always tell me lately that I turn up the weird whenever I'm around.

Now, here's an example. So I'm driving down the 405. Yes, I drive. And this guy is coming over from the left lane over to the right side, but he has his left blinker on, and he's coming over to the right, and he's half in my lane and half in the lane next to me, and I'm like, really, guy? So I honk.

I just honk. Guy freaks out. He's like out like what what's going on I'm like wow really you're halfway in the lane so I give him the thumbs up I'm like yeah buddy really freaks out starts pumping the brakes flipping me off I'm like okay fuck you buddy yeah whatever and he's like rolling down his window he's swerving all around so i come up and i pull up next to him and i'm like really and he goes oh we man fuck oh dude pull over can i get a photo and i'm like dude we were about to shoot it out because it's la and now you want a photo i'm like fuck you Fuck you. Fuck yeah. Sliding in head first on that minute.

Wee man. Fuck yeah, dude. Told you. I love that. I told you. That's so funny. Welcome back on the show. Always a pleasure to have you.

I love coming here. That really happened, huh? Yes, that really happened. I was tripping out of the dude's driving. I'm like, really? This guy's all over the place, not even in a lane. I'm like, well. And I'm always afraid of what people are going to think if I'm honking or going over. What kind of car do you have? Smart car.

Smart car. Sorry. Jesus. Wow. I have a Yugo. What's a Yugo? Is that like a Minius Cooper? No, it's from Yugoslavia.

Yugo, the ones that used to blow up in the early 80s? Yeah, totally. All right, let me ask you this. How many people have to be in the car with you for you to be allowed to drive in the carpool lane? Nobody. Because I'll drive in the carpool lane and cops are just like, oh, yeah, fuck yeah, we're in. I love that. Nobody.

That's pretty cool. That's fucking awesome. What do you like to listen to when you drive? Do you listen to music? Of course I listen to music. What's some of your favorite music to listen to? Obviously Black Sabbath. Obviously.

Slayer. Yeah. I mean, come on. Minor Threat, Bad Religion, everything. Wow. That's so cool. What else do you do for fun? We don't know much about you

We haven't really asked you that It's funny, I wake up Usually and I'm like, what am I going to do today? I don't have a job That I have to go clock into And be told what to do Like all these fucking losers You know what I mean?

So what do you end up usually doing? So you start your day, you wake up, and then you go down the ladder from the top bunk, and then what happens? No, I crawl out of my cave. That's where all the little people live in. It's a cave. Together?

Yes. Wow. You have breakfast? Do you have those little cereal boxes? Yes. Everything's mini. That's a week. Little Apple Jacks? Apple Jacks, everything.

All right. Well, that's fun. You wake up early, though, right? I see sometimes you're at the skate park at like 6.45 or something. I wake up before the sun rises all the time. I can't sleep much. I don't know what it is. My brain's always going, thinking of different things.

And I sleep maybe six hours max a night. Even half the sleep of a regular person. Only a Mexican kid sleeps for 12 hours a day, by the way. Underneath a tree. That makes perfect sense that you sleep that long.

Seems like the morning is one of the only things you can see the top of. No, I can see the top of most girls' nipples. Yeah! Oh! Fucking nipples! Are you single? Do you date?

No comment. Yeah, I plead the bitch. Remember that crazy bitch with the 13-year-old in the car? That was going to be his end result. No, I tried to pawn her off on her because I was like, this is insane. This chick will go either way. You take her.

You didn't want her either, huh? No? I did turn her, but you didn't take her, so she had to take her. Wee Man, what's one of your secret moves in the bedroom with the lady? It's stand-up doggy style. Oh, shit. It's full thrust.

Wow, you fuck like a black bear. Yes. You just, oh. Holy shit. And I'm like just. Holy shit. And I'm like, fuck that shit. I'm not going to spank you. I'm going to just tase you in the back of the head.

Carry a taser while you fuck? Hell yeah. I fucking love that. It's a dick house production. Exactly. You don't carry a taser? No, no, I don't. You're not hanging out with the right friend.

You shave a piece of her hair. What an amazing adventure. What was your life like growing up, if you don't mind us asking? I was just re-watching all the Jackass movies over the Christmas holidays and just dying, laughing my ass off. As a kid or teen?

Yes, kid. Kid, it was fun. I barely went to school. I made it just enough to graduate, but we were always ditching going to the beach. Yeah. So just fucking around. That's cool. I couldn't.

I think I had ADD before they had it where I couldn't pay attention in class, and I was so bored. Yeah. Like I did better in school when I didn't show up. I heard a little bit of like what was going on. I went and took the test and aced the test. But if I stayed there and the teacher's like, blah, blah, I'm like, fuck. Right. How many

times on Halloween did you sit on someone's shoulders and cover yourself with a trench coat? I've never once done that. Not once? Never. This year? Me and you? Let's do it. Okay. You heard it here first.

Okay. Well. Is this going to be a regular thing? Maybe. I'm going to sleep on it. I'll sleep six hours. I'm just going to sleep on it. I love it.

Sleep six hours on it. It's just mine. I'm going to see what can happen. Thank you, guys. He's the best. He's in the running. The great and powerful Wee Man. I am Wee Man on Twitter and Instagram.

We got to get this guy a one wheel. Rick and I went at it online. Rick and I went at it for like a hot minute. Do you guys know what a one wheel is? No. It's like a hot minute do you guys know what a one wheel is no it's a it's like a it's like a motorized one it's a single wheel and people you stand on it like a skateboard and your weight shifts the and it starts the engine and i my neighbor for rick for context my neighbor rides

around in this thing and i fucking hate this guy it's not the wheel it's the guy i fucking hate the guy and so i tweeted i pray every night and i'm not religious but i pray that he catches a rock because i want to see it so bad so when i know he's on it i go outside and drink coffee because i'm like i want to see him catch a rock so fucking bad just to like have a nice day and i want to watch him lose teeth and just watch it i'm not going to help at all i just want to see it happen because i fucking hate this guy so i tweeted about it and then Rick was like, fuck you. One wheel's kind of tight. And I was like, what are you

the fucking rep for one wheel? And he was like, I know somebody so we figured it all out. So get me a fucking one wheel and I'll rock it. I'll go toe to toe with my fucking dickhead neighbor. I'll throw a rock in front of Rick's Vespa. I don't care. He's probably here right now.

He's like, writhing in the back. Let's Vespa. I don't care. He's probably here right now. Let's change the subject before the wheel falls off. What do you guys say we go to the bucket again? And then after that, we have a special treat. But first, the bucket. Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny. So many names. Anything can happen. It all comes down to just which sliver

of paper will I pull. This name says Sean Karen. Here we go. Here he comes. Oh, geez. Here he is. Sean, geez. Here he is, Sean Caron, ladies and gentlemen. All right.

So last week, you know, I went to the club. I went to the club, and crowds started forming. Crowds started forming. They were like, watch out, watch out. He's about to start break dancing. I said, nah, that's just the way I walk. A friend of mine asked me, he was like, Sean, you were born with cerebral palsy? I said, nah, man, I caught it riding the subway.

I was attacked by rats. I was wandering off. I caught it riding the subway. You know? I was attacked by rats. I was wandering off. That's why you shouldn't wander off. You know? Yeah. I showed my mom some of my comedy. She was like,

you're not funny. You're not funny. But you got balls. And I was like, thanks, mom. I got them from you. I try to keep my, I work hard to keep my dreams alive. Go ahead. Finish it.

I work hard to keep my dreams alive, you know, and to keep my innocence. You know, I was delivering to a woman. And she had a tattoo of a handgun on her arm. Handgun on her arm. And she looked me in the the eyes and she said it used to be a hello kitty fuck yeah all right sean karen you've been on the show like three times in the past like four weeks or three weeks it's been three weeks in a row wow you lucky fuck what do you have like cerebral palsy or something? This is how your weird life karma comes back. You get randomly picked out of jack-o'-lanterns for shows. Life's good.

That's your third time on the show. Your third very funny minute in a row. Everything based on your real life. Very fun. How else is life going since a week ago? Anything crazy happen this week? Just basically job hunting, pretty much. Yeah? What kind of job are you looking

for? Job coach. I used to work with other disabled people as a job coach. Trying to get them jobs. Maybe you could go to a disabled person now and they'll give you a job. Have you thought about this? Yeah. Alright.

Did you know that if you go to ZipRecruiter.com right now, slash Kill Tony, you could probably find employment within 24 hours? Wow. That's pretty good. Even for disabled people? It's actually ranked the number one cerebral palsy hiring website. Go to ZipRecruiter.com backslash KillTony. Has your employer-employee situation been a little wobbly lately? Because with ZipRecruiter...

He could actually use some of that hair stuff. We'll straighten you all out. Get your backbone up and running again. You hook up with other cerebral palsy people, like girls and shit? No. No? Only mainstream, you know what I'm saying?

Only mainstream. That's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, like special ed and then mainstream, you know? Wait, I don't understand. Am I gone? You don't hook up with other people? No, no, no. What does mainstream mean?

It's basically like, you know, like normally, okay, so like in school, right, you'll have like resource room or like special ed. And then everything else is like, you have like honors up here, but then it's like mainstream. That's what they call it. Wow, you remind me like if somebody put Drake in a microwave when they were little or something like that. Yeah, you're like John Legs Don't Work with Zamo. Nothing! I give you my heart and I get nothing!

If you don't chant now, he screams like a little girl. I give you my heart! A hard laugh is no longer good enough for Joel Berg. All right, Sean. Well, you've been on the show a bunch lately. You're super lucky. It's always been fun and funny. Internet loves you, by the way.

Everyone online is saying positive things about your sets. You're killing it. It's very funny. Do you write a lot? All the time. Well, you know what, Sean? We're going to put you in a bucket with Wee Man in the running as nominees for the regular Rumble 2018. Who will

be a new Keltoni regular? Not saying that you are, but maybe we'll do something weird. All right. Sean Caron, ladies and gentlemen. Cerebral palsy. And he's killing it. He's on Twitter at Sean is balding. S-H-A-U-N Is Balding.

Out of all the things, the cerebral palsy and things like that, that is what he's decided to go with. Now, we're going to do something a little bit fun, just for fun. You guys like fun stuff out there? A couple weeks ago on Kill Jeremiah, one of my least favorite episodes of this show that we've ever had, ever. One of the cool things that my great

producer and brilliant co-host here, Brian Redband, came up with was to end the show, we would have the Hot Chip Challenge, where a volunteer from the audience that said that they were down to eat it and wouldn't sue everything could eat the hot chip and perform for, what, two minutes?

Two minutes, yeah. They eat the chip first, then they have to do two minutes of comedy. And at first I was like, holy shit, this is fucking terrible. I hate this episode. This part sucks too. But then I realized, no, it was like one of the greatest fucking things I've ever seen because no matter what happens, it's sort of interesting because their mouths are burning furiously.

So what we decided to do was bring it back, give it another little test run, take a volunteer. This is a special one. We don't have the hot chip this week. We are turning up the heat, no pun intended. If you've ever seen the show Hot Ones, they have their own sauce called The Last Dab.

It's the last bottle of hot sauce on the show. So you're about to watch somebody get a Dorito with the Last Dab on the Dorito, and then they get to perform two minutes and then get interviewed by us right afterwards. So who out there thinks they like hot shit? Look at all the hands go up. How do we do this? How do we decide?

Look at these thirsty motherfucking comics. I mean, look at that. So many people are down to do it. I want the guy whose arms keep going upside down like that. Yeah, you wobbly arms. Yeah, yeah, you. Yeah, come on over here. Thank you, by the way.

Fuck yeah. What's the noise for Danny, ladies and gentlemen Our sound guy up there Always taking care of us Alright, sir, what's your name? Nick Alright, let's talk to you for a second before we do this First of all, you look like you're 15 And this is your first time out of the house

The fuck's going on here, dude? There's stubble, what are you talking about, I'm 15 Look at you, you big little baby, you. Huh? Yeah, hey. Aren't you adorable? What are you doing? Hey, I'm a fucking adult, I do that. I bet you were the first one at the Christmas tree.

I have a Ralph's card in my pocket. You have a what? Ralph's card. A what? Ralph's card. The grocery store? All right. I'll tell you this.

What's your name again? Nick. Nick what? Amadeo. Is that true? No. Are you good with hot sauce? You do understand this is

crazy fucking hot. You have to eat it and then do two minutes and then we'll give you milk and water and all that shit. After the two minutes? What makes you want to do this? I wasn't. You saw the arms? Hesitation. That was me not in it

100%. Do you want to do it? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm on the stage. Do you think you can do it? I can't get off the stage now. Now, part of the regulations is you can't just, like, throw it in your mouth and, like, swallow it down. You sort of got to chew it for a little bit.

Do I have to show you after? And then whenever you want, we'll start your clock on your two-minute set. I should probably start it quick, huh? Yeah. Right after? Any way you want to do it, buddy. If you eat two chips... But here, we need you to sign on this thing.

Just sign your name saying that... Anywhere on it? Yeah, just sign it. That you understand that we're not responsible. The Comedy Store is not responsible. Nobody's responsible. The Comedy Store, Death Squad, Golden County Productions...

Isn't responsible. Joe Rogan's not responsible. No, it's a contract written in crayon. There's nothing you can do. Take it and face that camera. When you rewind to this part, you'll hear me saying that. Get up in the camera. Get up in the camera.

Here he goes. Nick, what is... Are you on Instagram or Twitter or anything? Twitter, Nick Amadeo. There's an underscore in the middle. How do you spell it? N-I-C-A-M-A-D-O. Nick Amadeo.

All right, my friend. I don't know what's going to happen here. Welcome to another episode of You're Not Allowed to Sue Us. Tongue down. Fuck. He decided to go on to the tongue directly. He said he doesn't know how he will fare with hot food. Alright, and let's

start. Put your hands together for two new minutes from Nick Amadeo. They're not new. I've done them before. So my New Year's resolution was to stop going into work high. So I quit. Like, I gotta say, man, I mean, I didn't have a real reason to quit.

I just, the best way I can describe it is, you know when you get a new sock, and it fits real nice, and it's like tight and elastic works? The prison guy doesn't get it. All right. But after a while... After a while, it just loses its charm. It starts to go loose around the ankles. It's crusty. For real, though, I just couldn't handle fucking people anymore.

I worked at a Chick-fil-A in the food service. They're the fucking worst. You have to deal with... That's not even the heat. That's just me stumbling over it myself. No, but seriously, I have to deal with people who want fucking no pickles on the goddamn sandwich and some kid who peed at the top of the slide. Women, grown women, come to me. And they say things like, you put pickles on my sandwich. That's not how they sound, but it's funnier that way. I guess not. You put pickles on my sandwich. I'm like, you probably sucked a dick. And that's worse in my my opinion i haven't sucked a dick yet uh

i'm young i do things like eat hot sauce on live podcasts hesitantly that's how i got on do you believe that just from like not sure if i could handle it my awkwardness is paying off relatively small, but I feel like it's going to get better eventually. It feels like two minutes has passed, but I think... How's it? I don't know. No, that's two minutes right there. You made it. Nick Amadeus. What do you want, buddy? You want some milk?

Was it hot? Delicious milk for you And since you're clearly a schoolboy I'm sure you're going to enjoy it We left the tinfoil seal on there for you So you know we didn't cause a bee Talk to the mic His eyes are watering

For those of you that are listening to the podcast Can I try one? Andrew you made another chip Can I just try it? Really? I just want to know what it's like Don't drink water Part of me doesn't believe this shit Andrew, you made another chip. Really? You're going to do this? Don't drink water. Part of me doesn't believe this shit. Try it out.

Chew on it real good. He put his tongue directly on the sauce. Is it that bad? The last stab? It takes a while to kick in. It's happening slowly. I think the stage health helped me get through it, to be honest with you. What do you mean stage health?

What are you, a theater major? The adrenaline from when you're on stage talking to people in a microphone will let you ignore stuff. Stage health. Yeah. You know, everybody's got it once you hit the stage. Oh, it creeps up for sure. This next guy's got killer stage health. Give it up. Yeah. Did next guy's got killer stage health. Give it up.

Did you taste one, Andrew? No, I was going to eat that. Is it not bad, huh? I mean, it happens slowly. That's the weird thing. It's like moving. It gets up on you. Nick, how old are you?

21. What do you do for work? Nothing now. You go to school. Junior college. Joel's dying. It just doesn't happen quick. It's starting to move in.

And you're also getting more Iranian. The more the heat goes in. Hey, Joel, you think you can do a drum solo with the heat in your mouth? You think you can shut up with my balls on your chin? All right. So the reason I did this was just to make sure this is legitimate.

Yeah, this is fucking kind of insane. I could have told you. Hey, good job. Thanks, man. Alright, Nick. So you're 21. That's interesting. Where are you from? Orange. Orange County. And what do your parents do? My dad's dead and my mom's not.

She... Your mom's not. Fuck yeah. Dead dad, dude. Fucking rock on, doggy. You gonna eat a chip in memory of... I just ate one, but I'm gonna eat another one, because it was pretty fucking hot. Oh, you ate one of the hot chips. Damn.

Sure. This is not real, dude. This is fucking unreal If you guys are sitting there thinking like Fuck this this is bullshit It's not You should be ashamed because the white guy is handling the heat better than you Whoa

Don't make me pull my dick out Alright look Wait a second Nick any chance you know how to play drums I don't know how to play drums Yeah that's right keep your mouth, you fucking Caucasian fucker. Wow. Jesus, what's he doing?

What is Joel doing? He's taking off his pants. He's questioning my manhood. I got to show it a little bit. All right. This shit's still hot as fuck. What the fuck? I wish I could get girls to take their pants off that easy.

Wow, Nick. I bet you could. You got some of those 21-year-old jokes over here. Like zingers. Oh, my God. Is that true, Nick? Do you not get lucky with the ladies very often? I mean, I thought that since you were the kid from Two and a Half Men that life would be pretty good.

Shout out to Wee Man. No, no. Don't do good with ladies now. Really? What's the last date you went on? What was that like? Oh, fuck. Oh, I can tell you about the last almost date I went on.

Yeah? It was from Tinder. Zinder? No, no, regular Tinder. Zinder? No, Tinder. It was my friend Zinder. He's got a teeth.

He's my friend from the book. What? So, a match with a girl. Her photos were innocuous about her size. It wasn't easy to tell. All the photos were shoulders up. Uh-huh. And there was a couple that were hopeful.

That was like, okay, she might have a smaller frame on her. I don't want to be an asshole about it, but... So she was a... You're not the most svelte guy of all time either. No, but I know what I it. I don't want to be an asshole about it, but. So she was a. You're not the most svelte guy of all time either. No, but I know what I like. I mean. Wow, look at you. No, but like, here's my point.

Like, I know I'm not. And I advertise it as so. Right. Yeah, I don't have shoulder up. I have like these photos. Right, you're honest about your shape. Hey, man, you know what I do when I get catfished? What? I put a little

last dab hot sauce on it. Oh, my God. Fuck yeah. So this lady was bigger than you thought she'd be? Well, yeah. Where'd you meet her at? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're spilling your milk everywhere. Oh, my God. What? I'm getting ear hurts.

Ear hurts. Come on, Pat. Suck it through your teeth. Drink some milk or something. There we go. Tonight's the night that I realize that maybe everybody eating hot shit isn't the greatest thing for a podcast, by the way. This is why I like to keep the format pretty much locked in. The bass is just at the biggest dab I've ever seen anyone do. Wow.

Somebody's about to be under a rose. Chrome of Chris. Nick, what's the craziest thing that you've done? You're 21. What's the most rebellious thing that you've done? Are you a virgin, too? No, not a virgin. No? How many different pussies have you busted up?

Oh, I wouldn't say busted up. No, you didn't bust them up? You just politely rubbed against them? I knocked over a lamp at best. Wow. Three, three. I've been in three people. You've put it in three people is what you just said?

Women, yeah, three women. Yes, three women. Your first one, where was that at? In a car, in a car. Yeah, what kind of car? A truck. It was a, I don't remember the truck, but it was a truck. The back of a truck or the front? Back of the truck. Oh, in the bed of a car. Yeah, what kind of car? A truck. It was a... I don't remember the truck, but it was a truck. The back of a truck?

The back of a truck. In the bed of a truck. No, no, no. Like the back seat of the truck. Like the cab. This story's got Joel all hot and heavy over here. I think he's dying.

Joel's dying. He's taking off all his clothes because he's so hot. Oh. What chili do they use? It has the hottest peppers in the world all mixed up.

For those of you listening to the podcast, Joel is now shaving his pubes because the hot sauce is so hot. Never! Wow. The first one was in a car. It was in the bed of a truck. What was the most recent one? In my bed.

Wow. Your race car bed? No, regular. Oh, damn it. Your race car bed? No. What kind of bed? It's a normal bed? It's a full size bed. Do you still live with your parents? No. You have your own place. Is it the place that happened

when you switched with Tom Hanks in the movie? It's a big reference. It's a cool apartment though. It's a cool apartment, though. It has a trampoline and shit. Chris, how are you doing over there? It's all good. Just a little mild. He's a liar, dude.

Fuck you. Balls of steel on Chroma Chris. He's fucking lying, dude. So that was in your bed. Where'd you meet that girl at? Tinder, actually. Really? On Tinder?

You're on Tinder? Off Tinder now. So where'd you meet that girl at? On Tinder, actually. Really? On Tinder? You're on Tinder? Off Tinder now. Uh-huh. So where'd you meet the girl? My buddy's house. Wow. Yeah, I invited her over to my buddy's place. Isn't that nice of you?

What'd you guys do there? Hot tub. Oh, wow. Don't take pot. Don't take pot. Welcome to my buddy's place. What do you say we get in the hot tub? Hot tub.

Like that? Yeah. Yeah. How old are you? 21. 21, dude. What a fucking, that's awesome. Fucking 21.

Savage is what you are. Yeah, you handle that like a pro, man. Look at little Joel Mexican over there that can't even handle his hot sauce. I just never had a hot sauce that lasted this long. I don't. Oh, that's what she said. You know what I'm saying? All right.

Turn around real quick. What? I was looking at your butt. Oh. Do you have stuff in your pockets right now? No, I just wanted to see what that was out of your pocket. Oh, the lanyard. Lanyard, yeah.

21. What's your lanyard say? That's some 21 shit, dude. I don't know where my fucking keys are, Dougie. Pull it out. What are you attached to? Hardcore polo. I played water polo in high school. It are you attached to? Hardcore polo. I played water polo in high school.

It says hardcore polo? Wow, it really does? There's Ralph's card. There's a trend here. Polo! There's a trend here. Hot tubs, pools. Is it the only place you can hide your body? Is that...

You've been bragging about this Ralph Club. Oh, somebody's parking meters up. Oh, shit. Somebody's got to dip early. Ralph's Carb, you have your own place now. What do you have in your refrigerator right now? What do you eat the most of? Almond milk.

Damn. This lady is the best. I didn't realize. Whoa. We got fucking Cardi B in the audience tonight. Oh, shit. Meet her outside. That's what you eat.

Oh, Kesha outside. Hi. Damn. Vroom, vroom. Kesha in the ride. You can't eat. Cardi Hepatitis B. Cardi Hepatitis B, nobody?

Fuck you. Alright. She seems healthy. She's more like Cardi B12 or something like that. She looks like she knows about almond milk though. You do? Wow. You seem so confused. Damn. You two are about to fuck.

Oh. Damn. Nick, you ever hook up with a mixed girl like that? With a Bratz doll? No, not yet. Have you ever been with anyone other than a boring white girl that only fucks polo people? I was a crazy white girl. Were you masturbating right now?

What the fuck did you just do? You just went hard right hand into that pocket. That's a tight pocket, dude. Tight pocket warning. He's right. Very tight pocket. Have you ever been fucked by an older, more experienced redheaded comedian? That's what I was hoping you were going to say.

Because you got a soft face. Oh my god. Yeah, I think it's about to happen. To close tonight's episode, he's about to get... Wow, okay. He actually pulled his underwear down. Santino still has his underwear on,

but I will say this. The 21-year-old's underwear is down right now. Damn it. Fuck yeah. That's how it happened the first time too. Guys, don't touch your eyes. I just touched my eye. Oh shit.

He gave him another tip. He gave him some money for that fucking... Ladies and gentlemen, that is Nick Amadeo. He ate the hot chip. Brought to you by Hot Ones. Hymns.com slash kill Tony. ZipRecruiter.com slash kill Tony.

The new season of I'm Dying Up Here premieres May 2nd with Andrew Santino, Eric Griffin, a bunch of other great actors, actresses, comedians, and an unbelievable written fun show. One of the few, if not the only, show about stand-up comedy, that and Crashing are my two, where it's so authentic and fun that it makes it fun and doesn't make me just nitpick at it because it's really enjoyable to watch. That's your drawings for tonight from Ryan J. E. Belt.

You can check that out on the front patio or in the next edition of Kill Tony, the book. The Kill Tony book's available now at ryanjebelt.com. Sacramento, Philly, Houston, Dallas, Boise, Phoenix, Tempe, all coming up at tonyhenchcliffe.com. Patty Reagan's over there. I just want to recommend the movie Apollo 13. It's on Netflix right now.

Check it out. Fuck yeah. Chroma Chris ate the hot chip tonight. How do you feel, Chris? It's alright. Anything else you want to promote? Not bad. I could do more. Anything else you want to plug? Nah, just follow me at Chroma Chris. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez held it down. Lost a lot of clothes and a beard. Oh, it's back on. Joel, how you feeling? Everything good?

I mean, it was hot. But, you know, shout out to Ali. Everybody here. Yeah, one more time for the great Ali Makovsky. Making Kill Tony history. I truly believe. Wee Man, shout out to Wee Man. She's going to be the best female stand-up comedian

in the world one day. I think that's what her legacy holds. She started so young, worked so hard, and we're very proud to have gotten to work with her as long as we did. Kiltoni's bringing the entire band to Houston and Dallas. That's in two weeks. That's a really big

deal. We're going to Phoenix and Tempe all together too. Those links are up now at StandUpLive.com and TempeImprov.com Watch I'm Dying Up here. Have fun. Treat each other good. Josh Martin is coming with me to Boise.

One more time for Ali Makovsky. Brian Redman. See you guys later. Bye, guys. Hymns.com slash Kill Tony. ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. Push a little danger to make you come Push a little danger to make you come Push a little danger to make you come Push a little danger to make you come Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.