KILL TONY - KILL TONY #247

Episode Date: February 1, 2018

Pete Holmes, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 01/29/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band, and we are going to Texas. That's right. Kill Tony is going to Texas this weekend. Tomorrow, which is Thursday, February 1st, we are at The Secret Group. We are doing a Kill Tony show followed by a comedy show. It's me and Tony Hinchcliffe, of course, but we're also bringing the whole band, Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Reagan, and Joel Jimenez.

The whole gang is together. There's a few tickets left, so if you're listening to this, grab your internet and go to the Secret Group's website or go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates. Then the following day, we are going to be in Dallas at Hyena's Comedy Club. We're going to do two more comedy shows. Then Saturday, we have a Kill Tony with two more comedy shows after saturday we have a kill tony with two more comedy shows after that and the whole gang's with us again so go to death squad dot tv and click on tour dates for all the info also check out tony hinchcliffe.com that's where you can find all the information with tony hinchcliffe he's also going to be uh Boise at the Liquid Laughs Sacramento.

Then we are bringing Kill Tony to stand up live in Phoenix. That's Thursday, April 5th. Then we got some shows at the Tempe Improv. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for more info. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt, he drew the Kill Tony poster. He also has the Kill Tony book that is now shipping. Me and Tony have been autographing him also. So it's cool.

You get a book and you got our autographs. If you love Kill Tony, you're going to love this book. So go to ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, don't forget shopsquad.tv. That's all the official merchandise of the Death Squad University. You probably see me wear Death Squad hats and shirts like every single day. Well, if you want your own, go to shopsquad.tv. All of them are limited edition and they're always changing up. We've got some new wear Death Squad hats and shirts like every single day. Well, if you want your own, go to ShopSquad.TV. All of them are limited edition, and they're always changing up.

We've got some new shirts and new hats and new mugs right now. So check it out, ShopSquad.TV. All right, guys, here's a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Henscliff. Fuck yeah. Hello. Make some fucking noise, Comedy Store.

It's Brian Red Band. That's Josh Martin running around. Ryan J. E. Belt's in the house. You are at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. Make some noise one more time for the hundreds of thousands listening around the world. A lot of fun stuff coming up, Brian. This Thursday, you, I, and the entire Kill Tony band all travel to Houston, Texas to do Kill Tony live in Houston. That's at the Secret Group.

Tickets are available all over the Internet. Google that shit. Houston. And then we do a stand-up show after that at the Secret Group same night in Houston after a live Kill Tony in which people there in Houston can sign up for it. We always have fun characters. It'll be, I think, our third or fourth sold-out Kill Tony. Yes.

It's always fun on the road. In Houston. Yeah. It'll be our I think our third or fourth sold-out kill Tony. Yes, it's always fun on the road Houston Yeah And then the next day we are doing two comedy shows in Dallas at hyenas me you the entire band I headline big crazy shows and you get to see Everybody that you love from kill Tony there and then on Saturday in Dallas We do the exact same thing again and And before that, we do yet another Kill Tony. We do a Kill Tony and then two live stand-up shows on that Saturday, February 3rd in Dallas.

After that, I go to Boise, Idaho with Josh Martin and other fun gigs. Sacramento, California and other fun places. TonyHinchcliffe.com for that. Red Band, how are you doing? Everything good? Everything is great, man. Who has more fun on a Monday than us? We do. That's exactly what I'm

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it's a little bit of an echo you hear that i kind of like it am i the only one sounds a little too echoey maybe like 15 oh man wait it sounds crisp and Sounds a little too echoey. Maybe like 15%. Oh, man. Wait. It sounds crisp and clear all of a sudden. It's almost like we got an awesome new website. Exactly. Things you can do with Squarespace, man. I tell you. You know ShopSquad.tv was built

on Squarespace. You can turn a cool idea into a new website. You can showcase your work. I have a whole store. All of Death Squad's merchandise. Like this hat. Right now, you can go to shopsquad.tv. It was all made on Squarespace. I made it in an hour. I would say I probably made that whole

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Use the offer code KILL and save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com. Enter the code KILL and you save 10%. You guys ready for this episode of Kill Tony or what? We are live at the Comedy Store. I'm so excited about this. Let's bring up tonight's guest. He's one of my favorite comedians in the world.

I am on this season of Crashing, which he stars in on HBO. Yes. Truly one of my favorite funny people to work with in all of comedy. Make some noise for his first time on Kill Tony the Great, Pete Holmes. Fuck yeah. There he is. Welcome, buddy. Thank you very much.

Welcome, Pete. You read the ads live. It is. It's fun. We get away with it somehow. It's the only way you can make people listen to them without looking for that 15-second forward button. Yeah, exactly. When it's live, you guys just have to be like, okay, if I make a website, I'll remember that.

We actually have, it's a very fun system where the listeners of the show want to know. You said something truthful, so you get the horse of truth. Wow. Okay. Sorry, Tony. Yeah, no. Who's lowering the levels on the goddamn horse?

It's Brian. Oh, yeah. You did yourself? Yeah, because I accidentally hit it sometimes. All right, Tony, sorry. Our fun method of reading ads is so that we do it live and the listeners of the show actually listen because they want to hear if we're going to flub lines or judge each other and shit. So it makes the listeners actually listen twice as hard,

even though it sounds like we're sort of fucking up. On the ads. Yeah. All right. Squares, guys. See, look at that. It just up. On the ads. Yeah. Alright. Squarespace. See, look at that. It just drew you in. Now we got a free ad for you. You owe me $400. So much

fun shooting, crashing with you in New York City. Sunday nights. A little too late. HBO. Is it 10pm? 1030pm. 1030pm. A bit late. HBO. For me. But I'm on HBO Go and it 10 p.m.? 10.30 p.m. 10.30 p.m. A bit late. HBO. For me.

But I'm on HBO Go and HBO Now. And I love those. I pay for both of them. I don't know why. That makes no sense. Why would you do that? I mean, it's just, I don't know. One's if you have a cable subscription. One's just a straight out. I'm really not good with that stuff. He's making a point. God damn this fuck. What are you doing?

What is that? Let people press the buttons if he wants to. I love it. Why won't it do it? All right. Oh, who's here? I know how to improv. Oh, it's the police.

I'm saying that correctly. Yeah, no, it was excellent. Tony is on the finale of the second season playing himself, and he and I, spoiler alert, roast one another. Oh. So it's a roast. Anybody go to the roast battles? There's got to be a sound for that.

Oh, what are you saying? That seems racist. That was strangely appropriate. Everybody knows about the old. There were so few people that we were in the desert in a cavern for a moment. Anyone here go to the roast battles? Not a popular show. So we get to do it on HBO, which you can watch on two platforms.

Absolutely. Is this a real sword? Yeah. What is the deal? It's just always been there. It's part of the design of the whole thing. It's wooden. Oh yeah, and LASpeedweed.com. We put that

there to remind me to say that on the episode. Oh, okay. The blade says Squarespace. I don't like having this. Wow! You're the first person ever in 247 episodes to unsheathe the sword. It took you, I think we are.

Oh, baby, I like it raw. We are only, I mean, only by all regards, about seven minutes into this podcast. Look, it looks super long. We have a serious. Don't make me unsheathe the rest of this sword. All right. And then you have to walk away before you resheathe it. Because that reveals the true size.

I don't know. I think you're pretty good with that thing. With the sword? Yeah. I also, yeah. What is this? That's the bucket of destiny. Ichabod's bucket of destiny.

Ichabod's bucket. Yeah, Ichabod's a real human from Las Vegas, Nevada. He's probably about 60 years old, but he looks like he's about 235. He's a very scary dude. That was a good one. But he's a Kill Tony legend. He got pulled out of the bucket once and told us his incredible story. I can't wait.

I love this. He gave us a bucket one time. Anyway, we have a band. I'm going to bring up the band, Pete. They play characters every single week and commit to them throughout the episode. They're our favorite band. They're the best damn band in the land. Make some noise for the Kill Tony band.

It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. What? Wow. Oh, my God. What is happening? Oh, my God. What? There are literally about 15, 20 people on this stage.

This is incredible. Oh! Wow! Just when you thought the Kill Tony band could not possibly get any more powerful. Here's some though. Fuck yeah! Wow.

What an entrance. God, I feel like crying. For the best damn band in the land. Oh my God. And I'm pretty sure they are committing to being band members. I bet a lot of people... What gave you that idea, Tony? Jeremiah Watkins, first chair saxophone,

ready to be here. Ha ha ha ha! Patrick Reagan, guitar guy, baton guy. Happy to be here. I should have smoked weed, man. You guys are smoking weed. I should have smoked some. Do you have any idea how amazing that would have been

if I was toasted and you guys came out like that? I'm still not comfortable with these guys behind me. It's Jeremiah, Pat Reagan, and Joel Jimenez, the drummer, clearly brought all of his cousins with him. And Chris Dillon on the bass. And Chroma Chris on the bass. Some paper hats, some real hats. We don't know.

You look like M. Bison. What's underneath that thing? What do you got stuffed under there? Oh, my gut from the weight gain challenge? There's a weight gain challenge? Tony, why don't you tell them? Well, during the month of December, Jeremiah and I had a competition to see who could gain the most weight. If I won, then we would get to shave Jeremiah's famous golden arches,

that lovely haircut that he has there. Yes. We were going to shave his head. And if he won, then he got to host an episode of Kill Tony. And after 30 pounds of gorging himself, he gained 30 pounds, and I gained 3 pounds. You're like the inverted Christian Bale.

That's incredible. He gained 27 more pounds than he had to get to host an episode of Kill Tony. I joined the band and played all the songs he knows how to do. But I hosted the show and it was one of the high rated

most in the show history. 4hims.com I think we're getting some of those glimpses of Jeremiah's hosting. High rated? Is it too late to smoke weed?

It's a high rated most show in the galaxy. You are toasting. Is that a bong? Is that a bronzed bong? If it was a gift from my grandma. I am so excited about the quantity of people on this stage.

The fact that I'm going to pull a name out of this bucket here at any moment and people are going to perform in front of this is pretty fucking awesome to me. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds of stage time. You know that time's up when you get 60 seconds of stage time you know that time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten that means wrap it up then or i'm sure gonna bring out the angry west hollywood bear wow it's angry tonight don't run that light people this is a very very very serious show you guys ready to start this fucking shit or what come on you can do better than that monday. Make some fucking noise.

These places, they're treating this like it's a Monday. 30 pounds. Alright. Your heart will never be the same. You'll lose it, but the damage is done.

You're dead at 40. You can't do that. I'm just kidding. You're dead at 40. You can't do that. I'm just kidding. You're going to be fine. Is that a band hat? Yes, it is. How come you have that very professional one and those other guys

is made out of clearly construction paper and a feather? I thought ours looked better than his, but whatever. I made them, so. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I mean, in solidarity, you could have worn one of the made ones. But you had to wear your special boy hat. Never thought of it that way. Joel Jimenez is the only Mexican I know that works in construction.

Paper. Wait for the paper. Wait for the paper. Wait for the paper. I pulled your first name out of the bucket, everybody. This shit's about to happen. In uninterrupted 60 seconds, and then you get interviewed by this insane crew. Put your hands together for Emma Lee Rivera. Hi, everyone.

So, my nan kidnapped my dad. That's how she got him. Yeah. Not recently, how she got him. Yeah. Not recently, because she's dead. But she went over to her niece's house and discovered that she had spawned again and was keeping my dad in a drawer like a gremlin. Just meh. So she shoplifted him.

She also sold ass professionally for 40 years the prostitutes were really old by the time I came around so she turned the brothels into rooming houses so I basically grew up in a retirement home for whores. Yeah. Which was a bit of a juxtaposition because my parents are Orthodox Mormon.

Fuck yeah. I wanted to hear the Mormon joke. Emily Rivera. I look so Mormon they let me in the temple. Only a Mormon would get that. Yeah, they let me in the temple. Only a Mormon would get that. Yeah. They let me pet the dragon. Yeah, you don't look like Mormon.

You look like the target of Mormons. Like, we need to get that one. Yeah, it's true. They want to get everybody. Did you do a mission? No. Why not? You're a Jack Mormon before you went on your mission?

Yeah. That's bullshit. No, they don't send girls until they're 21. Oh. And I was already married and had a kid by then. Is that right? Yeah. Oh, my God.

You were? Yeah. How old's her kid? She's almost 10. Wow. You have a 10-year-old. Wow. Do they look Mormon?

We start early. No. Yeah, you do. No. That's no that's fascinating i feel like your first line should have been like i was a mormon i'm not critiquing you i'm just so interested in that what i didn't understand your first line that's just real your nan yeah what's a man is that indian bread what the fuck is going on like a like a grandmother. I don't. I'm from Boston. We don't say nan. Like a nana? We don't do nans.

Nana? We do that fucking old lady over there. Oh, you guys don't call them nans here. What's up? You guys don't call them nans here? No. Isn't that sweet? That's interesting. That's creepy. I'm being real. I might have liked your first joke more if I knew what a nan was. So don't judge it on that alone.

No, no, you don't have to, but I'll never get it if you don't. You have a 10-year-old. What do you do for work? I am a tour manager and writer, and I do this. Are you looking to book any bands soon? You guys ready to split 50 bucks 12 ways?

Pretty much. Minus travel. 30 living pounds. What kind of bands do you manage? They're not bands. It's contemporary opera and comedians. Yes. Contemporary opera. It's a very niche Opera and Comedians. Yes. Contemporary Opera.

It's a very niche market. And comedians. Yeah. Where do you book these opera singers and comedians at? Not together. No, just breweries and festivals and things like that. What kind of brewery can I see an opera singer at? Well, there's not a lot of entertainment from where I'm from,

so they're just like, yeah, bring anybody. They serve the beer in horns. Sorry? Like the horn cups. Never mind. Moving on. Oh, boy. Oh, I liked it.

Oh, boy. I liked it. I also just thought what you did was so difficult. You hit the stage, and you really began. Like, that was some good confidence. Good for you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Not fucking easy. A year. What, that was some good confidence. Good for you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Not fucking easy.

What's that? A year. That's incredible. Wow. You should be proud of yourself. Oh, thank you. I'm the Paula Abdul of the show. I know.

You're great. I'm just waiting for Brian to be like, you should have talked about pussies. Talk about your pussy. Talk about your Mormon pussy. So is your pussy all, like, torn up have talked about pussies. Talk about your pussy. Talk about your Mormon pussy. So is your pussy all torn up? Alright, there you go.

Is it tighter now? Okie dokie. Wow. And she does impressions. Is your family still in Utah? Are you from Utah? My mom's from Utah. I grew up in Nova Scotia. Nova Scotia. In Canada.

When did you move here? Sorry? When did you move here? Three weeks ago. Wow. Get the fuck out of here. What is this? I'm dying up here season two? This is incredible. I'm invested. What is going to happen to you? I want to know.

Like where is this go? I am going to follow to you I want to know like where does this go I am going to follow you I need updates this is like crashing season 2 if there was also a 10 year old sleeping on that couch with you in a drawer what's the 10 year old doing right now

to support me moving out to LA my husband and my daughter moved back to Mexico where he's from because it's cheaper until I can do their paperwork to bring them here To support me moving out to LA, my husband and my daughter moved back to Mexico, where he's from. Wow. Because it's cheaper until I can do their paperwork to bring them here. I got here when it was raining.

It was a very sad day. I need a camera crew following you for the next one to six years. That choice is up to you. The duration is up to you. How about we do three and then we can re-sign? Yes, three and then you are a tour manager. That's great.

We'll do a tour deal. Is that okay? That's incredible. They're back in Mexico? Shipping you that premium Coca-Cola. So you have half, your kids technically are what? Half Canadian, half Mexican.

So they're American. They're just in the middle. The whole thing. It's just all of it. How long do you think they're going to be in? You can have that joke, by the way. Thank you. It worked and it's yours.

Please tweet me if it works. I will. I need to know. Do you have money? Yeah, I'm okay. How much money do you have? It is interesting. Let's give you money.

My kid's going to go to school. Please, no. How much money will you give her and I'll match it? You got three kids? Wow. Send them to Mexico. It's something you can do. It's so much cheaper.

If you don't want them, just go, Dad's going to be a comedian. They go off to Mexico with an ex-Mormon. It'll be fine. Unsheathe the sword! Sorry. That is a precious story. I hope you're journaling.

I mean it. This could be your story. This could be your show. We do a lot of journaling. That was real, man. How long has it been that they've been in Mexico? Since Christmas. We went down for Christmas, and then I moved here.

Wow. How'd they unwrap that gift? You guys are staying here. Do I get paid for this show? I don't. I'm not paid for this show. As a reward of your amazing, amazing performance and story, we are going to let you have sex with any one of Joel's cousins that you want.

I think you need to ask yourself, are you feeling horny right now? I think she's going for the two of them. Oh, yeah. Is that the bassoon? Fuck yeah. Let's just say that drum kit's standing up by itself now. I miss dick riffing. It's the holy ghost.

Emily, do you have any other special skills or talents that you do or know of or anything? How many shirts did you bring to L.A.? How many are we working with? Sorry. Your question was better. I used to be a singer and I act. It's not... I mean, it's LA.

Everybody does that. No! It's not really special here. Get out of here. You're a former Mormo. It's amazing. You vie for collab. What types of things did you sing?

Musical theater. Is there a Mormon in the audience? No one. Musical theater. Yeah. Have you seen Book of Mormon? Yes. Did you love it? I did. It's great, right? Yeah, audience? No one. Musical theater. Yeah. Have you seen Book of Mormon? Yes. Did you love it?

I did. It's great, right? Yeah, it's so good. Very, very good. More people reading the Book of Mormon because of Book of Mormon. But they don't get the real Book of Mormon. What do you mean? There's the Book of Mormon light that the missionaries give to everybody.

I saw the Book of Eli. Freaking Denzel Washington is blind the whole time. Don't ruin a great film. Just because you haven't talked in a while, don't take away fun from people that might have

been dragging their heels on a post-apocalyptic Denzel Washington vehicle. Like we have so many movies of his to choose from. How dare you. That's my band leader Patty Patty Rager, right there. I don't know what you said, 30.

I know what your cells are saying. When are you planning on, so what's the next step in your guys' thing? Like when you go back, are you going down to Mexico? Are they coming back here? Are you waiting to see what Donald Trump does?

No, I'm just waiting for green cards and things like that. Green cards? What's the deal with Canadian citizenship? It's easy for her because I'm half American because of my mom. Hers is easy to get. It's his. It's a problem, but I don't want to be

a single mom in L.A. Single mom. Ex-Mormon. Dad and kid in Mexico. Mom, a super American dad from Nova. Nova Scotia. And that is the story of Emily Rivera. Monday nights, 8 p.m.

ABC. Good luck. ABC. It's called Emily. Shake the lady's hand. She's got that good pussy. What? Jesus, Brian. That joke brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Wow.

Son of a bitch. For 10% off that good pussy and her offer code KILL. Get hard for her at Four Hymns. Four Hymns? Is that a thing? Yeah. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there? You getting it?

Put your hands together for Mike Fallon. Fallon. Fallon. Fallon. All right. How are you guys doing tonight? You guys doing good? I just want to start off by letting you guys know I'm not a Forrest Whitaker impersonator,

because both my eyelids work. All right? I'm just saying that's the only thing I like about him. Star Wars Rogue One is that he's in the future. He's black. He's a rebel. He has two robotic legs and he can't fix his eye. That's bullshit.

That's all I'm saying. It's the truth. I mean, there's a lot of stuff, you know, blacks we have to go through, like being afraid of Kardashians. Because, you know, they collect, like, Pokemon cards. It's the truth. I mean, there's a lot of stuff, you know, blacks we have to go through, like being afraid of Kardashians. Because, you know, they collect us like Pokemon cards. It's the truth, man. Like, I always have this one nightmare. If I date a Kardashian, I'll go to their house, like plantation entrance. I walk in.

I'll see posters jangling, chained, rude, tattooing a dragon. Very uneven. I'll probably find a book, how to get a black guy on Instagram in two days. Stuff of that nature. I'll probably go to, like, Kylie's room. It has, like, a selling block you sell black slaves on. It's covering love letters addressed to me so I'm offended and intrigued.

Just a little bit. Yeah, so I moved to LA about five years ago. I'm still broke. And I think that's my minute. Or are we still going? Five seconds? Oh, okay. We're still going. Four.

Say boners. Boners. That's what you want? That's what you wanted? Boners is a funny word. There you go. You can close with boners. Yeah. Boners. Is it Fallon? I love this fucking band.

This is amazing. Wow, that's so powerful. One more time for Mike Fallon, everybody. There he goes. Appreciate you guys. Mike, I'm going to be honest with you. I was listening hard during all of that. You sounded out of breath 30 seconds in. What happened? Where do you think

you went wrong? I'm about over 300 pounds. That's what happened. What is it? I'm over 300 pounds. It's actually about 25% higher than the little girl that was just up here. Yeah, you gotta... Oh, man. Testing.

One, two. Manhood, are you there? Testing. Oh, okay, it's there. Good. Can you guys hear me better? You guys good? Yeah, you were a little quiet.

It was hard to hear. I think you can project... I like your style, but I'd put it into the mic more. I bet you're one of those guys that can really project. Am I right? When you're mad about something,

you can really get loud, right? Yeah, that's true. Like when I'm at Chipotle, I get my order wrong. Same thing. Can you do me a favor? I said bowl! Yeah, without using the microphone, can you yell anything you want as loud as you possibly can without the microphone right in front of you? Can you guys hear me?

Yeah. Yeah, that's good. I get too scared of white people. Don't worry. Wait, was that the yell? That was the yell. You want me to yell? I'm not like a...

That was your most powerful yell that you could do? What are you, Robin Williams, making him yelp? Do you want me to yell at people for no reason? Who's over 30? Who's laughing at that rip? That's a dead poet's society rip. I'm just trying to stop refunds. That's it, man.

I don't want anybody to walk out. Mike, you have so many keys on your key ring that is exposed on the exterior. I'm going to try my hardest not to make a janitor joke. I'm going to move forward and ask you, what are all those keys for? These came from work, actually. Where do you work?

Starline Tours. Keys, keys, keys, keys, Ben Eyes. Yeah, basically. I literally just came straight here. That's why I look raggedy right now. Do you drive the... Oh, we can't even tell. This could be... I mean, who knows?

This could be you at your max. I'm like a supervisor there. So basically I sit in like one position for nine to 11 hours and manage the buses and people. Why'd you say 9-11 like that? Just up in one hour or drop in one hour. Don't be scared.

I'm black. Don't worry. Isn't your job though talking all day long? And I can still not understand a thing you're saying. They got rid of those people. Actually, it comes in nine different languages now on the computer. Jesus. A lot is happening right now.

Yeah. I do want to say that your Forrest Whitaker joke, I don't know why I'm giving advice. I think it's a good joke. Yeah. And I just think you need to, what am I doing? Is this what you do? I want to say you just need to go 99 times slower and then sell it.

Forrest Whitaker is a black guy in the future. He's got two robot legs that can't fix his eyelid. Ha ha ha. Thank you, bro. I appreciate it. That's a fine joke. What I'm saying is part of what makes comedy funny is that we

care so much about insignificant shit. You know what I'm saying? It's what makes comedy funny is that we care so much about insignificant shit. You know what I'm saying? I'm still in. It's my third time only doing it. Wow. That was my next question. Look at that. I'm not criticizing.

No, it's all right, bro. I'm a big fan of yours. Oh, thank you, brother. I watch all your YouTube videos. Batman, obviously. That's my shit. Thank you. X-Men.

Thank you very much. Big fan of yours and Jeremiah. I'll say it. Can you not water down my compliment by bringing in 30? Okay. Hey, there's one chance I got, bro. What, do you just love everybody? Not everybody, bro.

Actually, stay up. I need you losing those pounds. So this is your third time. So that's amazing. You should feel really good. That's a good joke is what I'm trying to say. I did the open mic at the Laugh Factory. Don't mention other clubs.

Oh. Yeah, this is your second time, clearly. Where was the other place? The Ha Ha in North Hollywood. You just had your first time ever on stage at a comedy. What do you do for work? Oh, yeah. What exactly for Starline tours?

I manage the buses. I basically make sure the people are taken care of, that the drivers are on their shit. Wow. Alright, there it is again. I don't get that. make sure the people are taken care of, that the drivers are on their shit. Wow. All right. There it is again. I don't get that. He has so many keys.

What else do you have? There's something else hanging out in the back there. Just keys, bro. What's that thing? Is that a weapon? What? What's that? What's the back key thing?

Yeah, there's a lot of that. It's a whole thing. Now I believe your job. As soon as I see that, I'm like, yeah. When's the last time you zipped that jacket? Oh. That's a great burn. That's good.

That was a great burn. That's nice. Respect. I like that you're wearing a flight jacket because you look like a flightless bird. Yeah. I didn't know we were roasting. I'm trying to help people I almost gave the last girl money

I feel bad What's your PayPal? It feels less weird Tony I have a question for Ron Lunches That I don't know what that is That is funny

What's your question? I noticed, could I get a little bit more volume in this microphone, please? I noticed that you're wearing a Vic Firth brand thing. Are you a drummer? No. All right. I don't know. You're supposed to say, too much cardio?

That's the burn. It's a fat joke. He already made one. We're in the zone. How long have you lived in L.A.? About five years. Where are you originally from? San Diego.

San Diego. Yeah. So you've been here for five years. What have you been doing with your nights before you just started stand-up? I've been writing. I'm usually, because I got hit by a van last year wait wait wait a second listen listen listen okay listen now okay let me finish i know i know i know because i've i've been a dancer for 13 years wait what wait what what let me finish wow this guy knows how to be a fucking guest on this show. You see

this? Get to the good shit, motherfuckers. Okay. You were a dancer for how long? I've been a dancer for 13 years. He was dancing for 13 years continuously until he got hit by that van last year. Yeah. So, like, my style is called crumping. Vladimir Putin

just walked in, everybody. I'm really excited about this. Alright. Yeah, so, I mean, I've booked gigs here and there. Like, my style is called crumping. Vladimir Putin just walked in, everybody. I'm really excited about this. This walked in. All right. Yeah, so, I mean, I've booked gigs here and there. Like, the biggest thing I did was, I don't know, did you guys watch La La Land? Yeah, the movie? I'm one of the freeway dancers.

What? Which one are you? Yeah, when they open the back of the moving truck, I come up from the side in all red. That is awesome. We're the marching band from that movie. I'm glad you got your credits on IMDb for that. Wow. You're saying a lot of funny stuff, but you gotta wait for that laugh to

fade. You know what I'm saying? I'm just giving tips now. I respect it. I think you're cool. I appreciate you. Do you want the sword? In La La Land, the van that you jumped out of, was that an ice cream truck? No. Okay. I thought that's what we were doing. It didn't work.

He thought it was me and he's the mean guy. Where were you when you got hit by the van? I was working, actually. Wait, don't tell me it was a Starline tour bus. No, it wasn't. It was a Sunseeker van. Sunseeker tours. Those are the rivals, right?

Sort of, yeah. Do you think that you did something to piss them off or something like that and they sent a guy like, hey, go get that one guy from Starline that looks like a blacker DJ Khaled? Like that? It's all about locations, isn't it?

If you know where the houses are, you can get a better job at Starline and stuff. What are they, one of our ads now? No, no. You mean the individual needs to know where the houses are? They don't just tell each other? No, not really. It's like secrets.

He might know where Kanye's summer house is. It's like about being a stalker. Is this true at all, what Brian's saying? I bet he can sniff out a barbecue. I do the city tours. I don't do the home tours. What do you mean the city tours. I don't do the home tours. What do you mean city tours? So basically I manage the double-decker buses,

the giant red ones, and then the city tours. The home tours are the small cut-off vans. Hello, governor. Thank you. You have any other, other than dancing, any other special skills? No, no, no, fucking man, what are you doing? Listen to us.

We need to know what you were doing when you were hit by a van i was at work bro i just told you that's not a story that's a location what happened okay i got you i'm not mad at you bro i'm mad at him for moving on he's like well we have the van story yeah you were hit by a van was it behind you was it in front of you did you know the guy what happened i was literally i was at work and I was helping out a double-decker back in. I was standing behind him, guiding him in. The guy in a van...

Double-decker, you're talking about the Taco Bell taco, right? Oh. It was backing into your mouth? No? Alright, go ahead. Sorry. And so basically, as our double-decker was backing in, a guy from the Sunseeker wanted the spot. Rain Forest Cafe, Whitaker. As our double-decker was backing in, a guy from the Sunseeker wanted the spot. Rainforest Cafe Whitaker.

You got it out of your system? It didn't work, but that is an excellent joke. Cafe Whitaker. Rainforest Cafe Whitaker. Okay. Laugh on the way home. That's an A+. I'll try. I'll see what's up, bro.

So, if you want me to finish the story. Yes, but we're learning to roll with laughs. Wait for it to trickle out and then find that pocket to slip back in. Yeah, it's not a funny story. I know, but I love it. Okay, for sure. The double-decker's backing up. You hear the beeps.

There they are. Yeah. The guy wanted a spot. I told him to go around. He didn't want to listen because he had customers in his van. He tried to push me out the way with the front of his van. He caught my knee, so it slightly got dislocated. It's almost back to normal now.

And then he took off. Wait, it was an intentional hit. Yeah, it was. It was intentional. Like he, what is that called? It's like assault with a vehicle. Yeah. I'm in the middle of taking care of right now. You're what? I'm in the middle of taking care of it right now.

You're what? We're in the middle of taking care of it. You need a lesson in timing. What the fuck is going on? What do you say? We're in the middle of taking care of it in the courts. The people's courts? This is chaos.

Now I'm so glad I'm not stoned because I can barely follow this. Is there any chance that you'd be willing Because I just know that this crowd I know the Kill Tony audience very well Is there any chance you'd be willing To give us a little like 20 second display Of some dancing right now Unfortunately no

I'm still doing physical therapy on my knee Come on Nobody will ever find out that you danced here This could never be used against you in court. No, it's all good. If they want to, they can look me up on YouTube. Just type in Mike Fallon or my dance name. That's it.

What's your dance name? Kingdom Kid. That's all we really wanted to do. We just wanted that one laugh. That's all good, bro. That's Christ. Kingdom Kid. Spend in a circle for us.

Mike, it was your third time ever on stage And it was a pleasure meeting you I totally agree with Pete If you take your time and project a little more Mike Fallon everybody There he goes Kingdom Kid 90 I like that guy

Mike Fallon Is it Fallon or Fallon It is Fallon is it Fallon or Fallon it is Fallon any relation to Jimmy I want to be that guy that seems like a fun guy to be you know what I mean like I bet he's having fun

I know that's a weird thought but I'm like yeah if I could be him for 4 hours I'd pay 50 bucks for that. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We're going to keep it moving. Put your hands together for Sean Lubin. Lubin. Lubin.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Wait. Sean Lubin. What? Red Band. Let the goddamn band play. Sorry. This doesn't count your time.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sean Lubin. One more time for Sean Lubin, everybody. Come on, give him a shot. Too kind. Oh shit, Colby Hung. We went to school together. Good time to do that. He's going to be on stage. This doesn't count to his side,

but he's doing time stand-up. He's like, now's the window. Yeah. All right, ladies and gentlemen, for the third goddamn time, unless that was part of your set, in which case, leave now. Sean Lubin!

Thank you. Thank you, guys. My name is... Yeah, you know. So I'm a big fan of, like, extreme metal. Like, blackened death metal and grindcore. Yeah. Especially, like like the underground 90s shit recorded by like

evil teenagers. Which is why, personally, I think the holy grail of that genre is locked in an evidence room in Littleton, Colorado. Because I think the Columbine killers had a demo tape and it's probably amazing

they were into Amon Amarth they were prodigies can the Littleton Police Department please leak that shit onto MediaFire? There's a minute from Sean Lubin. We could have left the guy in. Good job, man. Stingers are getting a little bit longer

and longer. Sean Lubin. Sean Lubin. How's it going, man? Is this your first time on the show? It's my first time on the show. Very good. How long stand up? I want it right off the bat.

Started in 2014. 2014, so four years. Yeah. Hell yeah. Don't make me do math, Sean. Could have said that, yeah. Could have said that. You look like Eddie Vedder's mother.

What do you do for work? Barista. Barista. Wow. One minute you're making the movie The Room and the next you're at a barista. Oh, he looks like the other guy. Yeah. Tommy Wiseau.

No. Wait, which guy? The guy that he, Tommy, he doesn't look like Tommy Wiseau. Have you seen any of that? No. Tommy Wiseau looks like the vampire that killed this guy. Where are you a barista at? A Vaughn's Starbucks.

Whoa. That should be your opening line. I am a barista at a Vaughn's Starbucks. So regardless how the set does, I'm happy to be here. Right in the openers. Now, how does that happen? Do you apply at the Vons or do you apply at the Starbucks? You apply actually at the Vons, which is the same company as Safeway.

Were you willing to take any job that they gave you or were you trying to get the Starbucks job at the Vons? Good question. It was a pretty desperate time. Yeah. Well, don't make it sad. Jesus. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Ah, that's a band joke. They have measures in music.

Literally playing to the back of the room. How long have you been barista-ing at a Vons? About a year. Did someone in an orange vest say, I don't know if you're grocery store material. Maybe you could move a few sacks of beans. Yeah.

What made them think you were right for the coffee shop? Do you know? Experience? I think it was, I don't know. They just knew. It's made me better with people. What do you think makes working at a Starbucks at a Vons different than working at a different Starbucks? Oh, man.

Well, first of all, because I have a little bit of facial hair, Vons Safeway has this protocol where if you have any facial hair, you have to wear a beard net. That's so embarrassing. So you look like Bane? Yeah, I have to wear a beard net even for this kind of stubble length of facial hair. Do they sell them on Amazon, like cool ones where it looks like you're a skull or something maybe? That would lead into the death metal stuff. That'd be a good idea, but yeah. You'd be like, I love Avenged Sevenfold, as you can tell by my beard guard.

Dude, I feel like your first line should be I work in a Starbucks in a Vaughn. Second line should be they make me wear a beard guard. Yes. Why are you telling me about death metal when we could be going there? Trying to seem cooler than I am, clearly. Yeah, true town is funny town. A beard guard, that goes up to what?

Your nose so your mouth's covered? Yeah, it has to cover it. They don't want whiskers falling in people's coffee. That's like torturous, right? How long do you work a day? Sometimes it'll be eight hours. You don't usually get overtime. I take it. So you just look like a Mortal Kombat

character all day? Yeah. And then you see the regular Starbucks guys have long beards and gel in their beards and all kinds of crazy stuff. But because you're at the Vons, on top of having to be inside the grocery store, which is already torturous enough,

you have to go one level lower and wear the beard guard. Yeah. Hey, Tony, I got a question about the beard guard. Yeah, go ahead. Where did a beard guard grow? Perhaps a beer garden? Love beer gardens. I still feel like he's top three guys to be tonight. Sean, what else do you do?

What do you do for fun when you're not writing or doing stand-up? Well, I feel like the elephant in the room, a fellow from my old alma mater, Oaks Christian High School was in the room. Wow. What are you guys' mascots over there at Oaks Christian? The Oaks Christian Lions. Wow.

So let me get this right. Wrong. That guy, you didn't come here with him. You got called up on stage, and in the first few seconds, he just was like, hey, man, you remember me. Yeah. During your performance. He must have thought I was dead or something.

I don't know. Wow. I'm alive. I made it. He must have thought I was dead or something. I don't know. Wow. I'm alive. I made it. Is that one of your friends or did you not even like him that much back at Oaks Christian? He was a grade above me, I believe. Yeah. It doesn't even seem like you know him that well. That's really interesting that he'd interrupt your set.

It's white privilege. It's a Christian school known for its football team and all that. What were you doing there? What activities did you take part in? Smoking weed. Wow. Getting expelled right before graduation.

Have you ever tried to smoke weed through your beard guard? That's hilarious. No. I think the third line of your act should be, I got expelled from Christian school for smoking weed. Yeah. I like that. Is that true?

You got expelled? Did I miss that? No, I was selling tobacco to freshmen. Tobacco. That's why they expelled you? They found out about that. I was already on academic probation. Did you end up getting a what type of?

On behavior probation. Did you get like a GED or something like that? Yeah. Of course not. You're working at a Starbucks and a Vons. That's as low as it gets. Yeah. What did you get? You got a GED or something like that? Yeah. You're working at a Starbucks and a Bond. That's as low as it gets. What did you get? You got a GED.

Yeah. Thanks, I'm comfortable here now. He is. Sounds like you didn't get it. Did you get a GED? I homeschooled the rest of the way. Did you really? You could call that a GED. Wait, so you're saying you homeschooled the rest of the way. So I guess technically. Did you really?

You could call that a GED. Wait, so you're saying you homeschooled. Who else was in the home in which you schooled in? My mom taught me. Oh, really? Dude, first line, I was homeschooled. I haven't seen a stand-up that was homeschooled. You know what's crazy?

I will say this is interesting. I was seen right next to the guy who got picked right before me. Uh-huh. Not interesting. Wow, whoever's sitting next, be careful. You could be up here bombing next. No, I'm just kidding, Sean. I'm just kidding.

They just like it when I'm mean to people for no reason. They expect it because it's part of my brand and shit. Anyway. Sean. Sean. So, I feel like you have a pair of rollerblades. Am I close on this? No?

You do anything else silly or fun or cool? I make music. You get a lot of chicks? Did you say music? I did, yeah. He makes music. You seem like a guy that would do well with the ladies. You ever take them back to your place? Get back to the music. H seem like a guy that would do well with the ladies.

You ever take them back to your place? Get back to the music! Homeschool them, you know what I mean? Whenever I take girls back to my place, they always ask me these weird questions. Do you have a condom? No, like... You say, I got a beer guard. Like, hmm.

That was excellent. That was excellent. Let's get back to this music for a second. What kind of music do you make? Jeremiah is dying to know. Avant-progressive rock and opposition. All right, I am glad I asked. Whoa!

He is a bad boy! That's Fimrock, right? I'm pretty sure Emily Rivera can book you at one of her opera gigs. Any Frank Zappa fans in the band? Yes, I am a huge Frank Zappa fan. I love what he used to do in the mid-60s, late 60s. Do you sing? Yeah, sing, scream.

Can you give us a line of one of your songs right now? One of my songs? Sure. There's no bad people Only ones that get caught I had freedom all along I just forgot I recognize a church song whenever I hear it That was a hymn

That was good Well Sean it was nice to meet you Good to meet you guys too Sean Lubin L-U-B-I-N. He's on Twitter. Emily Rivera's on Twitter. Sean Lubin.

Kingdom Kid 90, Mike Fallon. Fallon. This is the portion of the day where I don't have to wear a beard guard. It's also a good opener. I'm going to be writing for these people the rest of the night. I won't be able to not. It's fun. You know, it's one of those things that I never talk about,

but I ask them these questions, and I think the same thing all the time almost to every answer that I get, because it is everything. It's incredible how different everybody is. Yeah. I know. Yeah.

I just want the meat of who they are immediately. Who are we seeing next? You can say. Go ahead. C.J. Price, everybody. C.J. Price. Here he comes. Here he is.

C.J. Price. Thank you. Thank you. C.J. Price Ow! Thank you, thank you. I've been in a long-term relationship for seven years, which leads me to believe if she breaks up with me, I'm going to die alone. Basically because if you're in a relationship for more than one or two years, you're not going to get your game back.

Not when you've been out that long. Michael Jordan retired from basketball one season. Came back, won three championships. If he's gone for seven years, he's a cautionary tale. Now he's a shoe. Now he's a shoe. Seven years. We didn't used to do a lot together.

But we started going to concerts. We went and saw Jay-Z for $9. Which means nothing will ever live up to that. Amazing concert But there's this bar near my place That sells in old fashioned It's 10 bucks That's one in one night Jay Z's

It's not worth it Floyd's the barbershop I go to $27 haircut Three Jay Z's Thank you CJ Price Hello How are you Thank you. CJ Price. Hello.

How are you? Good, good. How are you? This is your first time on the show as well, huh? First time being at the show, yeah. How old are you? 24. I think that's one of the problems is like if you and your girl break up, you'll be fine. Everyone knows that.

Like we're all just wiser than you. So that's the problem with that joke. You know what I'm saying Like the second joke was great I just It's just like I thought you were very funny Great job That first joke

It just didn't I was like He's doing it You know what I just said You open with how you should open Which is This is what's interesting about me You're just like a fucking

Corny ass white dude Get to it You know what I'm saying So you say I've been with the same girl For seven years That's great Which means you started dating When you were what I'm saying so you say I've been with the same girl for seven years that's great which means you started dating when you were what nice

17 17 17 I'm 24 I've been with the same girl since I was 17 which means I could be fucking completely wrong how would I know you know what I'm saying I definitely know what you're saying yeah yeah definitely I'm just trying to riff no you're absolutely you know both of you were so young when you started You could be fucking completely wrong And you won't find out until your next girlfriend You'll be like I don't put it on your ear

You don't know I said on your ear On the ear Like an ear job So you're 24. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my third time. Third time ever.

Good for you. I've been doing sketch and improv for about three years. Okay. That's one-third Jay-Z. What have you been doing all this time, if that's your third time on stage? What have you been doing for fun since you... Improv and sketch at the Second City and taking classes at UCB. What have you been doing all this time? If that's your third time on stage, what have you been doing for fun?

Improv and sketch at the Second City and taking classes at UCB. I'm on a house improv team over at Second City. I used to be on a sketch team there. What's making you all of a sudden want to get into stand-up? Is stand-up something you really want to do, or are you just doing it to improve on your sketch, do you think? Easier to get stage time through stand-up than improv because there's not a lot of improv shows. What do you think about this Jeremiah Watkins

character guru? Well, open mic. Do you do impressions, by the way? You want to have an impression on him? No impressions. Oh, okay, good. You're currently doing a Jim Gaffigan impression. Or Matt Damon in that dork one. You know what I'm talking about? I don't know the dork one. It's not the account. Talented Mr. Ripley?

Yeah, you look like you've given Jude Law a sexual look. It's not the account. Talented Mr. Ripley? Yeah, you look like you've given Jude Law a sexual look. It's a talented Mr. Ripley. He seems like to me like Waldo's rebellious son. You don't want to find this one. Right. I feel like Waldo's looking

for him right now. I have a good feeling about you. Good luck. He's laughing. I'm not saying you're good looking. You are good looking, but I'm saying you have a good look. I get you. Good look. He's laughing. I'm not saying you're good looking. You are good looking, but I'm saying you have a good look. I get you. Good jokes. You should be doing stand-up, man. I started improv and I was doing stand-up as well, but I leaned to stand-up because it is

so much easier to do it. Because on improv, if three of your guys suck, your team sucks. Or if three of your guys don't want to do it all the time, then you can't do it all the time. You're making the right move. 24 is great. You've been with the same girl for seven years. Do you guys always have sex in the same positions?

No. Yes, on the ear. No, you try different stuff out? Yeah. Like what? How do you know what to do? Do you look it up? Do you Google other shit to do or something like that?

I'm sure the boy's seen pornography. Do you? Really? Well, it's true. You look like you make pornography. He does. He's got his hand in his pocket right now for you podcast listeners.

Sorry, sorry. It's more like improvisational. Oh, wow. Yeah, you ever check out her second shitty? You know what I mean? Wow. I'll put it in your yes and. Okay.

Tell me when you're Del Close. I'm not done riffing. I'm done. I'm done. Sorry, what were you saying? We're just comfortable together. So if we try something and it doesn't work out, then we just move on to the next one. Sure. That's it. I'm happy. I don't know if she is. What does she do? She's a line cook at a pokey place in Silver Lake.

At a pokey place? Can I just say this is the most romantic story I've ever heard. How did you meet? College? We met in high school, actually. High school? Yeah. Senior year. Oh, you said that. You've been dating the same girl since high school. There's a lot to mine there, I bet. That's interesting. Isn't poke raw? It's just sushi

in a bowl. Because he says she's a line cook. I think we're missing a step here. She's a line prep. She assembles bowls. She assembles bowls. Alright, cool. Moving on. Assembles bowls. Give me an example. You kind of, you know, this is actually kind of a compliment. You know, like in the Captain America movies where he's trying to be incognito? You know what I mean?

He's meeting Scarlett Johansson at a Starbucks. He's like, I'll blend in. That's you right now. Going to the Apple store, yeah. You look like you're in the skulls. You know what I'm talking about? You look like the rapper Logic if hes. You know what I'm talking about? You look like the rapper Logic if he wasn't half black.

Oh, shit. That's great. That's great. CJ, you're 24. You look like you're living that wild life. What do you think is the wildest thing about you? The wildest thing about me? Two-thirds Jay-Z.

You know, anything you do dangerous or fun sometimes or crazy or silly or something, anything. Don't really do anything crazy. Maybe just once a year. My dad's in prison? I don't know if that's... Really? Wow. That's your second line. How much

taxes did he try to evade? None. How many bars is he try to evade? None. How many bars is he behind? Oh, okay. What did he get put in prison for? For murder. Whoa! What's that?

CJ Price's dad be killing people. Murder? It's a shame I don't know anybody with sound effects. Yeah. Brian Redband. You're like that guy that's with Biff in the future in Back to the Future 2. What? Like the robot guy that's like bark bark bark bark bark when he calls him chicken.

Yes. Watch the movie Laugh Later. This is compelling as fuck. Is this cool for you to talk about? Yeah. How old were you? It's not an active case. He talk about? Yeah. How old were you when you died? It's not an active case. He's in the can. How old were you when your dad... I was 20 when it happened.

Who did he kill? Let's just... Some guy who broke into his house after my grandma died and stole the jewelry. And then he came back to steal more. And then my dad killed him. Was your dad waiting there at the house? Wow. Sort of like Kill Bill style.

Just sitting there with a shotgun waiting for the door to open up type of thing? That was the weapon. Really? A shotgun. And he was waiting for the person to come in. Yeah. Shot him in the back. He crawled out and then he killed him in the front lawn. And is that why he went to jail? Yeah. What the fuck? That would do it. No, I just mean like maybe

you could get away. Like a lawyer could get you off for shooting somebody who's trying to steal shit. Well, he only got 10 years. so he got. It's the second shot that would. It is the second shot. That's what I'm saying. People get time. Time, what am I, hard?

They get time. Because if you shoot somebody six times and then reload, you can't plead insanity because no insane person would be like, time to get the bullets and load them. So your dad was fucked the second shot, right? Yeah. No, he's done. But he knew what he was doing because he probably loved his mom, and the jewelry probably meant a lot to him. And the guy was probably what? That he killed addicted to drugs or something like that.

Well, they were both addicted to heroin, my father and I. It seemed like you could be in an act of rage, though. You weren't thinking. Yeah, like an emotional state. Was this just a public defendant that your dad had or something? No, we actually hired the guy who... Johnny Cochran? I think he tried one of the first murder cases in the state of California or something.

I don't know what it was. You got a matlock? Some amazing qualification, but he got him a good plea deal. So he'll be out in three years. He got him a good plea deal. But was it close? Were they kind of like, look, he shot a guy who was trying to rob him. Let him go.

No. Why wasn't it close? Because the guy didn't have a weapon on him, and it finished out front. It's because he followed him. So was your dad like a scary dude? No. I didn't think he was capable of murder. Not in my life.

Wow. I don't know. That raises an interesting question. Did you inherit your father's murderous traits? Well, I didn't kill up here,

so no. That's great. Well, you know what? I don't know. I'm going to give you some advice. Don't quit. Right. I think, like your father, you'll do a lot better on your second shot.

CJ Price, ladies and gentlemen. Let's keep flying through it, shall we? His dad's a murderer. That's fun, man. There you go. 24-year-old CJ Price, third time ever on stage. 24. 30 pounds.

Six more pounds and that kid's been alive. What did you do? What did you eat? Well, melted ice cream for breakfast. A lot of meat after dark. He ate so much food that he literally got those gloves from the real hamburger helper. I'm just warming up, people. Let's do this.

Did you make that up? Yeah. That's a fantastic joke. Man, your jokes are sharp tonight. Oh, that's another music joke from Jeremiah. Do you guys not know music at all? Come on! Come on!

These people need to get with the program. The hat wasn't the problem. Oh, my God. There goes his beard guard. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jeff Wallace. Jeff Wallace.

I love this band. You love this band as much as I do? Right in my ears. It's not good. It's so great. Come on, it's Jeff Wallace, everybody. That's amazing. That's amazing.

That's fucking awesome. This is a little intense. Really? All of them? Holy shit. Joel Hatzell, great. All right, gang, how's it going? A little bit about me. Name's Jeff Wallace. Today, considered walking into traffic to pet a cute puppy. I've ever seen. So adorable. I told my girlfriend about this. She said, why would you do that? What kind of dog was it? I said, so small. Fluffy. Walked like it had Parkinson's. It was, oh, it was magic. It was just biting at a leash. It wasn't even on a leash. Just biting at the air. Oh, some magic. And then also that poor owner, when I ran across the street,

I was like, can I pet your dog? He reacted about the same way that you did, except you had a can of mace. All right, fuck. Jeff Wallace, ladies and gentlemen. Jeff. Yeah. How long, Jeff? How long has it been?

Oh, come on. How long have you had stand-up? Pedro, Pedro. How long have I what? Have you had stand-up? It's been almost five years. Five years, okay. Yeah.

And how long have you not been wearing your beard guard? Too long. I want to say, you know what wearing your beard guard? Too long. I want to say, you know what's funny? I don't know. My brain is kind of literal. So I don't know. Audience, let me know if you're with me on this. When you say I ran into traffic to pet a puppy,

all I'm thinking is there was a puppy in traffic. Am I too literal? Did anyone else take that literally? So I'm like, oh, he's about to say the puppy got hit or something. Like that's going to be the bait and switch or something. That was so scary to me. You mean you ran, you saw, the story goes, I saw a cute puppy across the street. And I almost ran into traffic to go pet it.

I considered running through traffic to pet it. Maybe even a little attitude. Possibly. What's your name? Jeff. My name is Jeff. I'm fucking stupid. I'll give you an example. I saw a puppy. It was so cute across

the street. I almost ran into traffic to fucking pet it. I mean, I'm not saying it's a good joke. I'm saying at least you know what I mean, I'm not saying it's a good joke. I'm saying at least... At least, you know what I mean? Like, I get the attitude and I get what you're saying. You're saying I'm an idiot. It's an I'm an idiot joke.

Yes. You know what I mean? But if I don't understand your perspective, I can't laugh at their reaction or what your girlfriend said. I'm still thinking about the unclear beginning. I'm just straight up critiquing shit. You're doing an amazing job.

I need to go. No, Pete, you're doing amazing. Jeff, have you always looked like a young Charles Manson? You know who he looks like, actually? The guy from Short Circuit. Oh, that's a deep cut reference. I think he looks like Jesus Christ if he was deeply affected by not having a real

dad. Question for Jeff. I don't think I got that. Question for Jeff. Some of them did. It's okay. How many times have you cried to a Lynyrd Skynyrd song? Where are you from, Jeff? Visalia, California.

Wow, what's that? Where's that at? It's near Fresno. It's in between Fresno and Bakersfield. Yeah, that's about right. What do you do for work? I'm in sales. What are you selling?

Fenestration products. Fenestration? Yeah. What does that mean? It's window and door hardware. It sounds like what Louis did. Jack off in a plant? Yeah.

He fenestrated. Yeah. So hard. That's not fucking right. Louis also worked in a lot of windows and doors. You're a good yes-and. With his hardware. With his hardware.

That makes sense. What does that mean, window and door hardware? Anything specific, like a knob or a bolt or anything like that? Just the whole thing? It's the European door and window hardware. It's weird shit. Why'd your voice just change when you said European? I don't know. You became European in that moment.

No, no, no. Wow, you're getting weird. Okay. This has been happening sometimes lately. I feel unsafe. Does Bono know you have his wig? Jeff, do you drink a lot? Yeah.

A lot of people I notice don't bring their drinks up here on stage for their 60 seconds performance. I was standing in the fucking hallway to the men's room because there's nowhere to sit. Because, you know, such a successful podcast is the number one live podcast in America. Thank you. Were you like, this hallway needs a door? Were you blown away? I thought they liked it. You deal with a lot of, Jeff over here,

you deal with a lot of female homeowners. Do you ever get hit on by ladies while the husbands are at work and you're measuring out the doors and shit or whatever? No, not really. I work mostly on the phone. I wish that would be the case. That's cool. Can you give us an example of if I called you to get some windows and doors and shit I wish that would be the case. That's cool. Can you give us an example of

if I called you to get some windows and doors and shit, what that would be like? Yeah, sure. Do an impression of you at work? Yeah, I could do that. Hi. That's how you answer the phone at your job? I'm not going to say the name of the business. You're calling us.

I'm not going to say the name of the business. Just, no, you're calling us. You're calling us. I'm not going to say the name of the business. Okay. Just make it up. Okay, can you make up a name of the business? Say Plain Pancake. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

God, when's this asshole going to pick up? They have to be open. Wow, you're really good at this, Jeff. Thank you for calling Jeff's Pleasure Doorhouse. How can I help you there? Wow, you see the difference between the second city guy and the... Oh, God, come on. That's okay.

So is there anything interesting about you, Jeff? And how much have you had to drink tonight? I've had three Millers. Perfect. Well, I've had about five beers, I suppose. It looks like if you stroke your hair three times, it summons a unicorn. It does. You want to stroke it?

When you say three Millers, you mean three Steve Miller band songs? I can't. Don't do it. Don't do it. For legal reasons, I can't do that. Were you blown away the first time you saw fire? That is so good. I love that.

That's the area. I was working on caveman jokes today, and I didn't tell him I chose the puppy joke, which was a bad idea. Stop. Do you have a roommate or anything like that? No, I live alone. You live alone. Do you have a pet? Weird pet?

No, no pets. You live alone as far as you can tell. I almost petted a squirrel. The cave is quite dark. How long have you lived alone? Brontosaurus? Just two months. Since my Komodo dragon died?

Very good. Very good. That is good. That's pretty much what I was looking for. Yeah, I was looking for it too. Have you ever had a weird pet? No, just a cat. How straight are your pubes?

Oh my god! Dude, ridiculously straight. I haven't turned them in a long time and it's getting a little creepy. It looks like an emo kid down there. Did you name your nuts the Allman Brothers? That's my boy Jeremiah Walken. The Allman Brothers. Because they're nuts

and they have straight long hair. Do they grow straight? It's like a triple joke there. That Jeremiah just landed. Three prongers. That's my golden goose, Jeremiah Watkins. The Almond Brothers. There's two of them because they're nuts.

It was the Almond Brothers. Do they really grow straight? Yeah, they're ridiculous. Really? Yeah, it's really weird. But you take care of your hair, let's face it. I mean, you leave in condition or something like that? This is sheer neglect.

Do you go to forhims.com and take special vitamins for that? I thought about telling a joke about it, but no. Your hair? It's probably good because I would have lost your sponsorship. I think you should address the hair right up top. You said it's sheer neglect? I have a minute, man. I'm just trying to run

shit, you know. The hair I know is ridiculous. No, no, no. I'm not saying it's ridiculous. It's noteworthy. It is ridiculously noteworthy, yes. It's like your Aniston phase or something like that. Yeah. It just stands out. There's something about it. Normally when we

see a look like that, it's followed by the backside of a horse. You look like you give loot lessons. I feel like you're here to recite a poem to my girlfriend. Okay. Your wife. My wife, I know. I love your podcast, by the way.

Is she? Hi, Val. Oh, hi. Hey. Do you have a crock pot? Dude, yeah. That's, like, I, no, my new, I just moved into a new apartment, and it doesn't have a fucking stove.

I didn't notice it at first. It didn't have that. It didn't have a crock pot, which I cook all my meals out of. What's your favorite thing that you make in your crock pot? I put in, like, a chuck steak or something, and just, like, some onions and black beans. Wow. That sounds so gross. Hey, want to go over to Jeff Wallace's house and eat some chuck steak

with black beans and onions? He just throws it all in a crock pot. So good. You have to drink like seven Miller Highlifes before you eat it. It's fucking delicious by the time he cracks open that sweet, sweet crock pot. Once the smell of the onions and the beans fills that apartment, which only takes seconds because it isn't the biggest apartment, I'm sure.

No, it's not. Right. It doesn't have a stove. It's not normally one of the old seven-bedroom luxury apartments. Look, we got seven bedrooms, no stove, you know. All right, Jeff, have you ever gotten away with a crime before? No, I've been caught for all of them. What's the most interesting thing that you've been in trouble for?

There are no good people, only people who don't get caught. My girlfriend while I drive, that was probably... Wait a second. Okay. How violent was that? Wait, did this happen when you were uh... Did this happen when you were hitting a guy that worked for Starline Tours? I missed that part.

How'd you get caught doing that though? Unless it was like she was like you know, spinning around in circles or something. She reported him. The cop on a motorcycle? No, I'm pretty sure that someone called the cops on us as we were leaving a place. It was kind of a sting thing, I think.

A sting thing? Oh, my God. All right, guys. You know why we're here. Today, we are going to get every kid that is fingering their girlfriend in this local parking lot. If you see a finger or more go into a vagina, we get, get, get, and we will go, go, go. Operation Finger Bang now. We are going to change the world on this day.

In the valley, there was a huge fingering epidemic. What the fuck? Yeah. Where did it happen at? Where did you get busted? I got busted on the freeway. I was driving home from an establishment I got busted on the freeway. I was driving home from an establishment. You were on the freeway.

It wasn't a fingerway. I don't know. We were driving away from a bar. From a what? A bar? From a bar. Where did they see you do the fingering at? On the freeway?

We were driving in my car. On the freeway. And she was swerving somewhat supposedly. So I don't really know. She was driving. She was driving in my car. On the freeway. And she was swerving somewhat supposedly, so I don't really know. She was driving. She was driving. Oh. Look at that.

Oh. Look at that. She was driving. Oh. All right. Very good. Very good, guys. Great stuff.

You decided to help her federate. You and Jeff Wallace, Brian Redband. Come on. So you're driving on the freeway. She's swerving, and then all of a sudden, what? You're fingering her for how long? A few minutes? She in the carpool?

It was a while. Did you ever find her G-cord? Very good. Oh, you get that one, you sexual deviant? This guy knows a lot about fingering. Okay, that's a terrible joke, but it's what you're doing. So what cop pulls you guys over, all of a sudden you see light, you get the little boop boop.

You're like, oh shit, I gotta take my fingers out of your pussy. light. You get the little, you're like, oh shit, I gotta take my fingers out of your pussy. Pull over, babe. What, is he like, let me smell your hands? Yeah. Let me smell your hands. Let's see your hands. Now let me smell them.

Yeah. You didn't get pulled over for fingering. That would be the hardest thing in the road. What, did you have one foot on the glass? Is this true, or were you trying to be funny? No, I was assaulted by the police. You were assaulted by the police. I was beaten in handcuffs.

Not finger cuffs. Boom. So wait, are you doubling down on this story? Wait, we're asking is it true that you were pulled over for fingering? Yes. Well, that's not true.

You were pulled over because she was swerving. Yes. Okay, so tell the fucking truth. You were pulled over for swerving. How did they discover that you were fingering? Oh, did you really? I'm sorry. Did you think I was arrested for fingering my girlfriend?

Yes, and we thought you were. We went into traffic because a dog was in there. I did. I thought that. I'm going to be honest with you. That's not real, guys. People don't get arrested for things like that. Jeff, over here.

I was pulled over because I thought I was intoxicated. Wow, you're just rambling now on a live podcast. I'm not rambling. Hands where we can see them. But you weren't driving. No, no. You can be drunk in a car. Yeah, and arrested for it.

You were a passenger in a car, drunk, and you were arrested? Yeah, I was. My gal, she was inebriated. Do you think we're playing an improv game right now or something like that? We're interviewing you to find out real life shit. But still,

if your girlfriend was drunk driving and you were also drunk, you don't get arrested. If you get out of the car and try to convince them that they shouldn't arrest your girlfriend, then at that point they decide they should probably arrest you. Okay, so you were drunk and disorderly. When you try to fight the cops, they

take you away. Exactly. Is your life mantra, alright, alright, alright? I wish it was. That is my hero. Jeff, what do you think the most interesting thing about you is? I have no answer to that.

I apologize. He drinks dosikis. All good. We're going to keep it moving. There goes Jeff Wallace. Jeff! I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't want to do anything wacky this week. I wanted to go right through a normal episode of this show, all the way through the bucket.

As you guys may know, Ali Makovsky retired from regularism last week, and we have begun recruiting a new regular and uh but in lieu of not having a regular this week we have been doing this thing that we've experimented with a couple times and brian is set on this being a wild uh wild part of this show in which uh somebody we've given the opportunity to a random volunteer who thinks that they can endure eating something hot. This idea that Brian is just completely fucking in love with. And then they get to do two minutes. But this is not anything hot. This is like the

hottest shit you could buy on the internet. How hot is it? Now, Chroma Chris the bassist last week, he ate three times the amount as the last person and he said it didn't really affect him at all. Chris, would you like to taste just a half of the piece of this little teeny

piece of this chocolate? Chris, do you want to be uncomfortable for the rest of the show? I'll do a full piece. A full piece? Yeah. Wow, full piece for Chroma Chris. Balls to the wall. All right. Chris, if you can come over here. For those of you listening to the podcast, I'm deeply, deeply sorry. Yeah.

But here's a full piece. It's about the size of your little fingernail, like a little Asian girl's fingernail. Can we just keep this part moving for the love of God? Yeah. So if Chris can – here you go, Chris. Chris, he's going to throw you the extremely tiny fingernail piece of chocolate. All right. And this is the part where we look over to our left, I suppose,

and ask the comedians if anybody wants to eat something hot. Pete, are you excited about this? This is supposed to be extremely hot. Do you like hot stuff? I did something like this on Spicy Interviews. I had to eat a habanero thing. Yeah, Brian's obsessed with trying to infuse that segment into the show. Chris just ate it.

He just ate it. It should take about three to five seconds until he's dead. And Chroma Chris is a Marine. Is that true? Wow. Hey, put your hands together for Chroma Chris. I had no idea he was an actual Marine. Is it spicy

tall Bilber? Can't really see anything over there. It's alright right right now. Yeah, that's exactly what I thought. Boy, are the stakes raised now. Trust me. Trust me.

You keep an eye on that, Kristen. This is the part where all the least funny people in the room put up their hands for the opportunity. Oh, these are all the comics? See, this is what's over here on this section. Hi, guys. Look, it's Pete Holmes, everybody. No, don't do that. I'm just excited to see them. Pete, this person gets

two minutes uninterrupted. If they're eating the thing? But they have to eat the thing and then do the two minutes. I feel like the end of the second Bourne movie, where the one spy says to Jason Bourne, look what they make us do. You know what I'm talking about? Look at what we have

to do to get on a podcast. Chris, how are you doing over there? Jeremiah. Brian, say something. It's the worst. It's the worst? Really? Can I see him? I immediately regret this decision.

Yeah, he looks bad. I'll be good. I'll be good. Okay. We spotted someone in the audience that is actually one of the Kill Tony favorites. And he hasn't been up in a while. And I think it's going to be a lot of fun to see him try to endure this. Put your hands together for the Instagram douchebag, legend of Kill Tony.

It's Kevin Mac. Let's hit some music for Kevin Mac. Oh, okay, they got it. There you go. There you go. There you go. A little bit. There you go. There's a little half and half for you.

A little band and... Did you eat it yet? Oh, okay, yes. There's a thing, even though we definitely don't have a pen. Brian, this is the stupidest shit ever. Here, you have to sign this thing real quick. It says, you can't sue, kill Tony, Death Squad, Golden Pony Productions, Joe Rogan, Pete Holmes,

Judd Apatow, HBO, Comedy Store. That does not look like a legally binding document. And he ate it before he signed it. Wait, is he already eating it? Wow, this guy's such a douchebag. Here's a pen. Here you go.

Here's another pen. He just knocks pens out of his way. This is a huge, huge dick. We should be already looking Here's a pen. Here you go. There you go. Here's another pen. He just knocks pens out of his way. All right. This is a huge, huge dick. We should be already looking. Let's start digging through his Instagram. All right. You hate it? Okay.

You just hate it. Let's do it. Bring up the timer. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, two uninterrupted minutes from Kevin Mack. and then we go back to the bucket one last time for Kill Tony 247. Go ahead, Kevin. Fuck my ass.

Jesus Christ. Comedy's not worth it. I just got back from New York. It was cool. I was shooting a movie out there. It was cold as fuck. The warmest day I was there was zero. It was terrible.

It was so cold that... It was so cold that I was only liking girls' pictures on Instagrams if they were wearing sweaters. It's like, ooh, bitch, you look cozy as fuck. Mmm. Oh, this is a bitch wearing Uggs, warm toes,

hell yeah. Yeah. Oh, this is a bitch wearing Uggs, warm toes, hell yeah. Oh, fuck! Ha-ha! You know, some decisions in life, you're like, yeah, that sounds like a good idea, and then you do it. It's not a good idea. The Kill Tony guys have been getting me real hard. The fans have been getting me real hard on Instagram.

Not my dick, but they've been coming at me hard lately. I had a guy, he messaged on one of my pictures, and he said, hey, man, I think you're really funny, and I really appreciate the way that you handle things on the show. Keep going. And I thought that was cool. So I messaged him back and I said, hey, man, I'm glad you appreciated. Thanks for following. And he messaged back and said, no, you're a total faggot. I was fucking with you. Fall for it every time then another guy direct messaged me and he's like hey man you're kind of gay you can finish yeah go ahead hey man you're uh you're kind of gay uh you suck you're not funny at all you should

kill yourself and i was like you know what there's no way this guy's gonna get me so i messaged him back and i said hey man it's not very nice you don't want to put that negativity out in the world and then he messaged back holy shit you responded I'm your biggest fan that fucker got me too fuck yeah Kevin Mac there you go here's some milk you want some milk want some water

what a douche bag played us all like fools. It's like he didn't eat anything hot at all. Didn't really play into anything. No, dude, I am fucking on fire right now. Really? You just like the pain? Yeah, you are. I can't drink that because I can't do dairy,

so not only will I have fire shits, but I'll have shits for days. Wow. Yo, it's over. We had to do it. The milk he won't do. If there's water, I would love a water. for days. Wow. The milky won't do it. If there's water, I would love a water. Holy fuck. Yeah, right here, brother.

Hashtag shits for days. Thank you so much. Is that a real Kevin Mac on Instagram? Original Kevin Mac. Original Kevin Mac. Pete, Kevin is notorious. At one point when he was on this show, we talked with him about his Instagram account,

and it came up that, you know. Why do I feel like I'm in an MMA match right now? He's like a male Instagram model, sort of. Sort of? Yeah, in a weird way. And he uses a lot of hashtags. That's his thing, to draw more people in. Hashtag fuck this.

And they always are very, very extreme, and as they go on, they tend to get a little scary. What are we looking at, followers? Do you have any advice for us, Kevin? What's a douchey poker? There you go. That's a good one. Oh, my God. Look at that.

All right. Well, we have one. There's no swinging that around at all, huh? It's basically just Kevin standing in the ocean, looking down at ocean water. Acting like he doesn't know there's a camera there. He's just like, whoops, is the sun hitting my pecs perfectly? Whoops-a-doodle. I made...

Hashtag dreaming awake. Hashtag... I made my girlfriend's nine-year-old son take that picture. Is that true? Yes, true. Your girlfriend has a nine-year-old son? I made my girlfriend's nine-year-old son take that picture. Wow. Damn? Yes. Your girlfriend has a nine year old son. I made my girlfriend's nine year old son take that picture. Wow. Damn.

Hashtag seven times. Hashtag abusive daddy, you know. Well, those are all funny, guys, but we're going to read you his actual hashtags from the actual post that he actually thought would draw him more actual good Instagram

followers. It works. But first, I'm going to read you what he said standing in the ocean, looking down at the water as it splashes against his legs. Original Kevin Mac said, this is a picture of me going as far into the ocean as I'm willing to go. Ankle deep, by the way. Ankle deep. Hear that, ladies? I'm vulnerable.

I need a woman to protect me. And these are some of the hashtags that he used after that. These are the real hashtags. This is not made up. You can go to original Kevin Mac on Instagram and look it up for yourself. Hashtag man. Hashtag scary. Ooh, it's so scary, the ocean. Hashtag

ocean. Hashtag agua. Yeah, for you Latina Instagram followers. That was for Joel, actually. Hashtag fish. Did you really see any fish in the ankle, shallow length part of the ocean? They were in there somewhere. Hashtag water. Now, what's the purpose of hashtag water?

Just so other water fans will find you? Yeah. Now, what's the purpose of hashtag water? Just so other water fans will find you? Yeah. If you put in hashtag water, there's actually like 700 or 7 million pictures with that hashtag. Yeah, and no one's going to ever find you in there, man. You can just stop with that one.

No, you'd be surprised how many people enjoy water. Random water people. 70%? I'm enjoying the fuck out of it. Hashtag beach. Hashtag sun. Hashtag sand. Hashtag fun. Hashtag of it. Hashtag sun. Hashtag sand. Hashtag fun. Hashtag Cali.

Hashtag fit. Hashtag fitness. Hashtag fit fam. We're only halfway done. Hashtag get fit. Hashtag fitspo. Fitspo? What?

What's fitspo? Fitspo is fitspiration. What? What's Fitspo? Fitspo is Fitspiration. Oh, wow. That's Fitpoop. So that's for like the top 1% of the 1% of all the douchebags in the world. I understand. One of them says, hashtag, I was just in New York filming a movie. You did say that on one part of your set.

Unnecessary info. I loved it. It's good to be here. Hashtag humblebrag. That's just a regular one, man. We're going to keep reading your... Tony, Tony. Tony, Tony. I have something to say real quick.

Yes, Joel Berg. This might be weird. Yeah. But, Kevin, are you wearing a thong? No. Prove it. Why would you ask that? Because he squatted and it looks like he's wearing a thong.

No, it's just up his ass, dude. They're just my Calvins, bro. Wow. I'm pretty sure it's with the ass cheeks cut off. Hashtag fitness model. Hashtag fitness motivation. Hashtag fitness model Hashtag fitness motivation Hashtag fitness journey Hashtag gym What's wrong with you?

I look like an idiot if you don't show the room your thong I look dumb You want me to look dumb in front of a main room audience? Are you really wearing a thong? No, I'm not wearing a thong Why do you want to see his fucking underwear? I didn't say I wanted to see it. I said he's wearing one and now I look dumb.

You can't just show us the band? I want to know why Joel thought it was a thong. I see the band. The top is black and the bottom is white. Your butt cheeks. Alright, just saying. I thought I saw... That's fine. Just remember you made me look dumb. We're reading these goddamn hashtags. Yeah. Hashtag

fitness journey. We already read Yeah. Hashtag fitness journey. We already read this. Hashtag gym. Hashtag muscle. Hashtag tattoo. Hashtag tattoos. Have you gotten any new tattoos lately? Kevin?

What? Yeah, no. You got any new tattoos? Yeah, yeah, I did. What's the one behind your ear? I never noticed that. Brass knuckles. You have brass knuckles behind your ear.

Yep. What does that like signify to you? I think you're talented and you're funny. Are you going for the Wahlberg market? Yep. That's like a real question. You're tough, good looking, but you're like, I'm also afraid of the ocean. Yeah, dude.

Hey, I don't want to go in the fucking ocean. Yeah, dude. I'm working for that. I'm working for the Wahlbergs, dude. You're hurting. I can tell by looking at your face. Oh, dude, I'm working for that. I'm working for the Wild Bugs, dude. You're hurting, I can tell by looking at your face. No, man, I'm fucking killing it right now. Hashtag tattoos.

That's plural. If you're wondering if we read that twice, we did not. One was hashtag tattoo. One was hashtag tattoos. I got more than one. Next one. This is real. Hashtag guys with tattoos. Yep.

Hashtag your girl's fave. Wait a minute. You're my girl's fave? Why would you reveal that in a hashtag? I had to get your attention somehow, Pete Holmes. We don't need another Dean Cain. Thank you very much. Hashtag you're welcome. Do you like hate yourself?

Hashtag sexy. Hashtag man candy. Yeah. There's one last one. Hashtag yes, I'm wearing a thong at the comedy store. One last one. Hashtag yes, I'm wearing a thong at the comedy store. One last one. Thank you. Hashtag wet and wild.

Wow, Kevin Mack. You are incredible. You are drinking so much water, you're going to piss your thong any second, dude. I don't understand. Shouldn't you be like a villain in a superhero movie? Like a stand-up. What's going on here? This is our thing.

Like, you look like the guy who bullied me to make me into this. Do you love... The real question is, do you love comedy? Like, you're into it? Yeah, I wanted... Jesus, I can't talk. I always wanted to do comedy. I just never thought I had... Jesus, this fucking candy is so fucking hot.

I never... It's fucking hot, dude. Wicked hot. I want one of those fucking Transformers to spray some water on my fucking tongue. Jesus Christ. Remember in 10? I always had respect for stand-up,

but I just never thought I had anything to offer it. And then I was listening to Joe Rogangan's podcast one day i can't fucking talk listening to rogan's podcast one day and he said if you make your friends laugh and you make people around you laugh then you could do stand up and i was like fuck it i might as well try and is it like a year ago i started did he actually say that on his podcast yeah he did i don't agree with that yeah what if you just have a bunch of really really terrible friends That are just like ha ha you're so funny Well there's an audience for that

Hashtag man candy You hilarious Wait I had something You do comedy But is it like Tell me honestly How LA is this move Is this like an actor move

Is this on your vision board? No, not at all. It's not? No. You just want to do stand-up? Yeah. I love you. What's the hardest that you've ever ghosted a woman?

I feel like you're probably an assassin at that, right? I feel like you're the type of guy that just walks through those rotating hotel doors and sees her and just keeps going around like that. That's hilarious! I dated a girl once and the first time we had sex it was so bad that she kept calling and calling and calling but she was really sweet, really nice. What was so bad about the sex? What do you remember? It was the toothiest blowjob

I've ever had in my life. The whatiest? Toothiest. Get that bitch out of here! Hashtag wet and wild. I told you specifically not to use the teeth. This is worse than that M. Night Shyamalan movie I did. You remember that horror movie Critters with the critters that had all the actually teeth?

It was like that. It was bad. Dude, you got blown by an animatronic critter. Did you see marks the next day? Hmm? Were there marks or anything? Yeah, I had chafing on the top of my dick. A little chafing?

Yeah. Well, if you're looking for a guy that will finger you in a car, I know where to go. So it was a teethy blowjob, but you still had sex with her afterwards. Yeah, and it burned. It burned bad. It burned bad. Because my skin had abrasion on it from the blowjob So when I was having sex

It was awful You shouldn't have put it in there You had lots of chances to win If you know what I mean But anyways, the way that I ghosted her I felt really bad about I didn't know how to tell her That I didn't want to see her anymore

There's an emoji. I was the second guy that she had ever slept with. So I told her that I had to move to Alaska. Wow! What? Hopefully she doesn't listen to the Kill Tony podcast.

I told her that I booked a role on that show. I told her I booked a role on that show, The Deadliest Catch. No way. Really? Yeah. Wow. Did she say, bring me home an anchor

so I could floss with it? That doesn't make sense. I'm picturing her with huge teeth. That's why it's funny to us. You saw them, I'm picturing them. Was that the case? Was it like a normal mouth? Did she have big lips, small lips, big teeth, small teeth?

Or was it just average? Dude, she got that DST Dick sucking teeth Actually, I have a thing for girls with buck teeth Oh really? Well, there's your problem right there Jesus Christ What do you think that is? Looney Tunes? Oh, really? Well, there's your problem right there. Jesus Christ.

What do you think that is? Looney Tunes? You think she can fold them when she gives you a blowjob? You'd be surprised how girls can detest their jaws at times. Yeah, like a snake. Yeah. Have you ever, you really have a thing for girls with buck teeth? Mm-hmm. Have you ever met a young comedian around here who goes by the name of Bunny?

Yes. You have? She doesn't have buck teeth, though. Really? Should we bring Bunny up here so that he can get a closer look? Bunny, you want to come say hi to Kevin Mack? I'm going to try to get you two to kiss. All right, here she is, Bunny, everybody.

I need a reference. Do you consider Cheryl Hines? She has big teeth. Are those buck teeth? Yes. Okay. You like big teeth Show Pete your shape eat your trademark Yeah, I understand. Yeah you it's like yeah, I agree you have like what I would call comedy teeth not Like charming funny teeth Did you just hear the do she niness that came out of his mouth?

What did he say? He said, I prefer a thigh gap, not a tooth gap. Well, there goes Bunny, everybody. I prefer a thigh gap. Kevin, what would you... I love you, Bunny. Hashtag, that's not how you fit Spire, people. I really want to know. That was excellent.

The thigh gap is so the thong fits. Do you know how long I had to sit on fitspiration? The restraint that I showed to wait for that pocket? I have to get an answer out of Kevin. When's the last time you had a carb? Sorry. Go ahead, buddy. I'm so sorry.

What would you do in the bedroom to Bunny other than tell her that you just got in a job on The Deadliest Catch? And after you told her about the life-changing properties of CrossFit. I've never CrossFitted in my life. You are a magical guest. You know, I weighed 305 pounds at one time.

Wow, you are totally a Fitspiration. Ah, dude. The fuck? at one time. Wow, you are totally a fitspiration. Ah, dude. The fuck? I was fat. You were a fat guy. So that's, okay, maybe that's where the need comes from. Yeah, probably. Maybe you are one of us.

What would I do to Bunny in a bedroom? I don't want you to answer that question. No? No. I feel like your counsel. I'm seated at a table where you're standing. You don't have to answer that question. I'm going to take the advice of my lawyer.

There you go, Kevin Mack, everybody. He ate hot shit. Always an interesting interview. Always compelling. You guys ready to go to this bucket one last time? How you doing, Pete? I couldn't even tell he ate it. He was in pain the whole time.

He was? He's going to write to the shit. He looked like he just ate some whey protein. He seemed fine. He's just He looked like he just ate some whey protein. He seemed fine. He's just good at putting on an act. He's like, oh yeah, I always have hot shit in my mouth. Like my tongue's in there and stuff. You know what I mean?

Hashtag blood in the stool. That was so hot I even would have put my tongue in the ocean. Even the ocean. Has the ocean. Hashtag wet and wild, dude. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Rachel Wolfson. Here we go. Here we go. So my mom, she's a judge. Growing up, I used to watch a lot of Judge Judy because I thought she was my mom's boss. Yes! That's it! Stop the clock.

That's it! Yeah, keep going. My dad, he's a district attorney, and, like, normal dads will take their daughters for ice cream or teach them how to ride a bike. My dad took me to see the movie Traffic. Ha ha! That's good!

I liked it! Have you seen that movie? That's great, I'm picturing it. Because he wants to show you what it's like to be a DA. Pause the clock. Resume the clock. Thank you. My sister, she's a lawyer.

And my aunt, she fucks cops. So, basically my life is just one giant Law and Order episode. My mom was the judge that put OJ Simpson in prison. Have you heard of him? He was a killer athlete. Alright, Rachel Wolfson. Yeah!

Wow, your mom's really the judge in Vegas that put OJ in prison? True story. Wow, that's so crazy. Did she ever tell you any inside scoop or anything from that trial, anything crazy? Maybe. Oh, okay.

Really? How long have you been doing stand-up? For a year and a half. All here in L.A.? Yeah. And you're originally from L.A.? Born and raised in Las Vegas. Wow. And how long have you been here? Four and a half years All here in L.A.? Yeah. And you're originally from L.A.? Born and raised in Las Vegas. Wow.

And how long have you been here? Four and a half years. What do you do for work? I work at a dispensary. Whoa. Does your mom ever judge you about having a job like that? That's literally her job, so yeah. You work, but here, well, it's legal there now, too, right?

It is. But like growing up, they told me if I smoked weed, I would die. And I like believed them for most of my life. That's funny. Everything you say is funny. That's a great premise. I don't know. Maybe the other people were just really bad.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. It's like a roasty show. I love it. You're fucking killing it. It's great. I've been positive about everybody. These are my people.

I love you guys. You were all great. I saw a lot of tweets and shit saying that people were concerned with how nice Pete Holmes was going to be. Okay, good. That was too mean. But you have shown your entire skill set here tonight. I can be mean. Nice, good. That was too mean. You have shown your entire skill set. I can be mean. Nice, mean. I'll be mean. Silly. I'll be silly.

Rachel, what are some interesting things that you do for fun? Ever skydive or rollerblade while skydiving or anything like that? I make memes. Wow, really? Anyone that we know? I make memes. Wow, really? Anyone that we know? I love memes.

I do. Val? I love memes. Whoa, Jeremiah, you seem offended about this meme business. Yeah, I can't stand them. You look like a meme right now. Angry sax man. That could be a meme right now Angry sax man That could be a meme

I'd meme you I don't know what it is about my meme brain Jeremiah right now looks like he's a conductor For a train on it's way to only West Hollywood Where Tony Hinchcliffe is the mayor Very good Where Tony Hinchcliffe is the mayor. Very good. There you go.

You little spinner-oony there, didn't you? Rachel, tell us some more interesting stuff about you. What else? Can we talk about it? She did it. She told us a fact and then a joke. Yeah. It's absolutely true. I'm still being nice.

I smoke a lot of weed. Every day. How much weed do you smoke? If you had to guess. Enough to kill her parents. Enough to kill my parents. Mom and dad still together? Wait, the first time you smoked, did you think you were going to die? Yes.

You did? But then it was amazing. And you didn't die, bonus. Not at all. I lived. Clearly, I lived. How much weed do you think you smoked ballpark a day? Today I didn't smoke until I got all of my shit done. So today only five joints. Wow.

Five only joints. But they were all here in the back. So I'm a productive stoner. You're like a chain smoker of marijuana. I'm like a chain stoner. What? Stomoker. Mind officially blown.

Again, something that would be written on your meme. Rachel, you said mom and dad are still together? They are. They're married. What does your dad do for work? He's a district attorney. What do you do for work? Listen? Wow.

You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. I'm the guy who's doing his job. You must be the other guy. It's true. You must be the other guy. It's true. No, you're doing great, Tony. Thank you.

You answered the question, what if Anthony Jeselnik wasn't good-looking? Wait a second. Wait, are you doing your extra crashing jokes right now? No, I didn't. That wasn't from crashing. I ripped that. You're very handsome.

Thank you, Pete. So are you. You're a good-looking man. Thank you, Pete. So are you. You're a good looking man. Thank you. But Jesselnik, you know, he looked like the last guy. Remember the last guy? I don't know how to respond to that without insulting Anthony Jesselnik. So I'm just going to keep plowing on forward and being 12 years younger than him.

Anyway. So did your mom say OJ was guilty the whole time? We just had to do it because of the Naked Gun movies or anything like that? I liked the Naked Gun movies. I know. The Naked Gun movies. They're great.

It's because you smoke that weed. What's the silliest thing you've ever done after getting super stoned? What's the silliest thing you've ever done after getting super stoned? That one. Don't think of the next one. Tell us that one. Oh, God.

Come on. The silliest thing I've ever done while I was stoned. Oh, God. Make something for food that you not like supposed to eat. Oh, Tide Pods. These aren't grape nuts. This is kitty litter. Wait, what did you eat?

I. Well. I like I just put something, you know, when you cook something and it's like... What was it? You mix dairy... You killed a dog. You know when you get stoned and you think, this is going to be a great meal. This is going to be amazing to eat. You know?

Okay. He definitely knows. All right. What the fuck did you make, Rachel? What are you doing? I don't know. It had dairy and spicy in it. Yeah? What did you make, Rachel? What are you doing? I don't know. It had like dairy and spicy in it. Yeah.

What did you put in it? A microwave. What? You put it in the food? You did it backwards. I wouldn't say this was the silliest thing, but it was like I gave myself food poisoning. So what did you put in the bowl that you put in the microwave? It was like cheese and hot sauce.

It was like, I don't know. It was like that. And then I just ate a whole bunch. It sounds like salsa con queso. Cheese and spicy are your friends. We have a Mexican on the ones and twos. That's not all I ate. He loves a cheesy spicy queso.

That's not all you ate. I feel like I'm more normal when I'm stoned. So I feel like I'm more silly when I'm not stoned. You're crazy. I once put a bowl of cheese in the microwave and ate it. No, it was like a... All right, what's the silliest thing you've done when you're not stoned then?

Stop it, I can't handle it anymore. When you're not microwaving bowls of snacks. It's a hard question. Is your dad a serious snacks? It's a hard question. Is your dad a serious man? He's a district attorney. I come from a super serious family. They're super serious. Dude, one time she didn't make a peanut butter and jelly.

She made a peanut butter and jam, dude. Let me ask you this. Your mom, you get in trouble at home growing up? I was grounded all the time. Grounded all the time. Did your mom usually lay down the law on that or was it your dad? It was like equal both. Was your mom a little bit

tougher than your dad though? She definitely wears the pants. Does she wear one of those? I'm going to meme you. Does she also wear the glove? Only if it fits. What was the worst thing that you did growing up that she grounded you for?

Sneaking out of the house to break into another house to have sex with my boyfriend. I just got caught sneaking out. She never tried to ground you and you were like, I object. All the rules! Did she charge him with breaking and entering? She never tried to ground you and you were like, I object. All are old. Did she charge him with breaking and entering? Pretty good.

Did you guys have a gavel driveway? That's my lead singer, Patty Rager, right there. Fuck yeah. Rachel Wolfson, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. And like that, there she goes, Rachel Wolfson. She's on Twitter at Wolfie Comedy. This is episode 247 of Kill Tony live from the Comedy Store.

We're in Houston this Thursday doing this show with the whole damn band and Brian Redband and me. Saturday in Dallas with the whole damn band and Brian Redband and me. Saturday in Dallas with the whole damn band and Brian Redband and me. But this has been tonight, 247 with the great and powerful Pete Holmes everybody! That drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt available at ryanjebelt.com

along with Kill Tony the book, which I've been signing and have been selling like crazy. But I am excited to be on this season of HBO's Crash. And guess who else is on the episode that I'm on? The great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins. Sundays, 10.30, HBO, HBO Now, HBO Go. It's unbelievable.

The great Judd Apatow, Pete Holmes, putting both of your brilliant brains together to make an awesome show. Thank you, Tony. Most importantly, an authentic style type of show. I hope I was mean enough and not too mean. You were fucking awesome. When that girl wanted a hug, did she have to say, may I approach the bench? I can't write it and not say it.

Do you think when her mom taught her how to walk that she said that she was taking the stand? Said I'm gonna get Judge Judy on that booty? Alright, moving on. Patty Reagan's Patty Reagan. He's at Greg's Dad 99 on

social media and things like that. Pat, anything you want to plug this week? Oh yeah, I just want to plug my own asshole. Carl McChrys ate a piece of hot chocolate and... These guys seem fine. How are you feeling? How did that...

He's fine. He's fine? What the fuck did you buy on the internet? Do you want to eat it? I'm not going to eat it. Make some noise for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. On the ones and twos. I had so much fun tonight.

It was really fun. I'm mostly sorry. And how about you make some noise for this entire insane band that they brought with them? That was fucking amazing. Red band, cut the music. Red band, cut the music. Give the band a sec to play. Give it up for the top shelf brass band, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah. I fucking love you guys. Come back anytime. Did you guys have fun tonight? You had to stand the whole time holding a tuba? Man, that sucks. At least you got to play the tuba.

That's cool. Yeah, you guys can follow me on social media at Jeremiah's Stand Up. I got a new podcast called Jeremiah Wonders. This week's episode is Dom Irera. So check that out on all the fixings.

Listen to all those episodes. Brian Redman and I have done episodes. A lot of fun people on that show. Pete Holmes, anything else? I have a podcast called You Made It Weird. Yeah. That's all you need. So go listen to that.

We're in L.A. Everybody stand up and say the name of your podcast. Boise, Idaho, Houston, Texas, Dallas, Texas, Sacramento, California, and a bunch of other fun dates are up at TonyHinchcliffe.com. You can see me do stand-up. And there's Kill Tony shows that are on the road, too, Houston and Dallas. Josh Martin helping us out, running around, RyanJBelt.com for your Kill Tony the book, which we are signing tons of

copies of. Thank you guys for your support and fun thing. It's the coolest thing. It's one of those things that will exceed your expectations if you buy it. I guarantee it. I literally read it every day. And thank you for our sponsors, Squarespace.com and ForHims.com. Use the promo code KILL

and save on both of those sites live audience thank you so much for coming out we'll see you next week with another insane special guest how about one more time for the great Pete Holmes good night everybody there you go kill Tony 1 4

7 1 4 7 1 4 7 1 4 7 Say you will Say you will Heel, heel, heel A little bit louder now. A little bit louder now. A little bit louder now. A little bit louder now, a little bit louder now, a little bit louder now, a little bit louder now, a little bit louder now, a little bit louder now. Oh, I want to feel it, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Thank you.