KILL TONY - KILL TONY #249 (DALLAS)

Episode Date: February 7, 2018

Pat Regan, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 02/03/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony Dallas. That's right, we're in Dallas at Hyena's listening to Kill Tony Dallas. That's right. We are in Dallas at Hyena's Comedy Club. What a great night that was. If you want to see Kill Tony live, we are going on the road all the time. Just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Not only do we record Kill Tony every Monday at the world-famous Comedy Store,

but we're always on the road. Our next on-the-road gig is actually going to be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. That's Thursday, April 5th. And then the following day, we're going to be at Tempe Improv for the weekend, doing a bunch of

comedy shows. So just go to deathsquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. Not only does Tony go on the road with kill Tony, but he has his own shows that he does. So you can go there and check out everything. Golden pony. Uh,

also Ryan J. E belt, the house artists, his website is Ryan J. E belt.com. That's easy enough. He has the kill Tony book. Me and Tony have been signing them.

Uh, a lot of people have been enjoying those books. Those are, it's awesome. Pretty much. Ryan drew been enjoying those books. It's awesome. Pretty much Ryan Drew has drawn every episode, and he's put it all in a book so you can see it. It's pretty cool. Also, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe.

You can get the Kill Tony shirt there, and everywhere is ShopSquad.tv. You have hats and mugs, and we even have new Death Squad shirts there. So go to shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode, live from Dallas, Texas, of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Dallas, Texas at Hyena's Comedy Nightclub for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hello! Good evening! Welcome! That's what I like to see. Some goddamn excitement. Dallas, Texas. Kill Tony. Here we are again.

How the fuck is everybody doing tonight? It's Brian Redman is here. What is up, Dallas? No Ryan J. Ebel tonight. It's just us. One big fucking live show. We've done this before. We had so much fun.

We're so excited to be back with you. Let's have some fucking fun tonight. Butch, are you out there? Can Butch hear me? Somebody grab the bucket from that front stoop. Fucking crazy bucket. This thing is overflowing with

hopes and wishes and destiny. I met a guy outside just now when I was smoking a cigarette. Told me he's been on Oxycontin right now and for six years. I thought he was fucking with us, but he really is on Oxycontin. Looks like a fucking business guy. Looks like one of Donald Trump's sons just hanging out. He's like, yeah, totally on Oxycontin right now.

But it mellows me out. I'm like, what the fuck is happening? It's real. I love it. Dallas is turned up on a 6 p.m. Saturday show. I can feel it in the air. That's the sweet, sweet feeling of impending doom. Where's my vase of

names at, damn it? Here we go. I see it. It's coming. Let's have some fun, shall we? This is not streaming live. We were just in Houston two days ago and did the exact same thing there in Houston. There we? This is not streaming live. We were just in Houston two days ago and did the exact same thing there. There we go. Thank you very much.

Little baby Conor McGregor with leukemia. Thank you. Keep it going for that guy. Saving the day. We got our bucket of names. Should we bring out tonight's guest? Yeah. Tonight's guests are a very special treat for you. How many of you have listened to the podcast before?

Of course. Then you know these guys. Ladies and gentlemen, in lieu of having an actual guest, we decided to do the coolest thing possible, which is bring our funniest friends who you know from the show. It's the best damn band in the land. It's the real Kill Tony band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah

Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. Here they are. There's Joel Berk, Joel Jimenez, your drummer. Saxophone, Jeremiah Watkins, and the leader of the band on guitar, Pat Reagan, ladies and the leader of the band on guitar, Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen.

In the flesh, they commit to characters every single episode, and I have no idea what your characters are tonight. Wow, look at those shirts, though. We're the Kill Tony band. That's good enough. Wow! I've never thought of this before.

You guys are just playing the band. You're yourselves. Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Reagan, and Joel Jimenez. I'm excited about this. Joel, you got a mic? No, I'll step up, though. Oh, okay. All right, so Joel Berg's going to step up when he has something,

and we're going to have a fucking shit ton of fun. There's going to be a lot of stepping going on, I bet. Joel Berg. Jesus. Anyway, so, Jeremiah, how you doing tonight? You excited? I'm excited to be in Dallas. What's up, Dallas? You guys doing good?

I'm excited that there's a guy on Oxycontin that might hit me. Texas just stirs up the best. Not only that, let me also tell you guys this. This is true. As I was stepping out for a moment and I was cutting up names. I was cutting up the

pieces of paper before the doors opened. Ten minutes before doors opened. The guy at the front desk got a phone. He was on the phone. And I know this because I was trying to sort of get his attention because I needed scissors. So I'm sort of waiting while he's taking the phone call from a customer. And I hear I go,

and I hear him go, sir, I don't really know, to be honest with you, I've never been asked that question before. And I'm turning my head sort of like a dog when they hear a weird noise, right? And he goes, let me ask my boss. And the guy goes, are we allowed to have customers come in and

carry guns with them? This guy on the phone wants to know. And I'm just standing there. I go, not for my fucking shows we don't. What the fuck are we doing? What are we talking about here? Can you carry in a show called Kill Tony? Let's not.

Those shootings at churches. I know for a fact there'd be one in this room tonight. Perhaps a gun from the future. There you go. All right. I want to give a shout out to Eric who brought a guitar amp tonight for me to use. Give it up for Eric. Shout out to you.

Thank you, Eric. Hell yeah. Eric's out there. Joel, who did you get your drums from? Somebody donated drums last night. Michael Daniels. Thank last night Michael Daniels thank you Michael Daniels a lot of great people contributed to the band being here tonight

Spirit Airlines if anyone out there works for Spirit thank you we were able to get the band here if you don't have herpes yet go Spirit I have a crazy deep vase full of names of people that signed up for the opportunity to come up on this stage and perform 60 seconds of stand-up

or really whatever. Maybe they tell a story. Maybe it's anything. Anything could happen here. And they get an uninterrupted 60. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. You can barely hear that kitten.

What does that really sound like? There you go. Wrap it up then, or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Yay! There you go. Very good. Alright. You guys ready

to start this fucking thing or what? Anything can happen. On the road, the bucket of destiny is stronger. We've been talking about the philosophy of Kill Tony. Much stronger because you meet more interesting people that sometimes can't or don't make the trip to L.A. You know what I mean? Compelling characters out here.

Yeah, a lot of first-timers. Yeah, we just had that in Houston. It was amazing. All right. You guys ready to of first-timers. Yeah, we just had that in Houston. It was amazing. All right. You guys ready to have a crazier show than Houston, Texas? I pulled a name out of the bucket. Your first person getting 60 uninterrupted

60 uninterrupted seconds on this show goes by the name of Todd Birdwell. Sounds like there's some Todd Birdwell thing. Wow, Jesus, he was just standing right there like a concealed carry guy they called earlier or something. Here he is, Todd Birdwell. This is what I imagine a community college graduation feels like. You know, only a few people get to walk the stage.

There's a motley crew of characters. And no one's exactly where they thought they were going to be. So one month into the year and I've already gained 10 pounds. It's not from the winter or because of the holidays. It's from being in a relationship. Who knew pussy had calories so this feels a lot like my first two guy threesome we may all feel uncomfortable

but I'm going to finish in under a minute so I hate the term alt alt rock, alt know, alt-rock, alt-comedy, alt-right. It's lazy. I say we abandon the term alt-right and call it what it is. Racism. You know, I don't remember calling the evangelist alt-Jews. There you go.

Todd Birdwell. How's it going, Todd? Pretty good. Talking to the mic. Good. A little nervous. Good. Yeah?

Why are you so nervous, do you think? You ever listen to the show or anything like that? I do. Wow, you're quite the interviewer. No, I'm fucking, no. Why don't you tell us more about that? Just nervous. No, I've been doing stand-up seven months,

so I'm just kind of nervous to be up here. Glad. Thank you. I can't tell whether you dig graves or undig graves. Which one is it? You could be the robber or the actual guy that works the shift. What do you do for work? I'm a financial analyst. Are you serious? Yeah, I actually found that on Zip

Recruiter. That's like the other guy. Zip Recruiter? Hey! I love that. Now you're talking. I took my For Him's vitamin today, actually. Really? Yeah, Zip Recruiter. Talk about it on your blog at Squarespace. I do. I love it. It's so easy to access

that I do it all the time. Todd, so how long have you been a financial analyst, and how bad of advice could you possibly be giving? Well, it's like corporate planning and stuff. It's not for people. Just a lot of budgeting and forecasting and playing around in Excel. Right. Fun stuff. Yeah.

You do that looking like that? No, I'm not sure if I should look at you or look at the audience. Look back and forth like this. I sort of like it. It's like we're talking to his asshole. So, Todd, I mean, are you doing good at it? What kind of corporations are you working for? I don't want to say the name of the company, but, yeah, I mean, it's a good job.

It's a good job. What are your, like, hobbies? You do, like, pro wrestling or anything like that? Something weird? I've been playing music since I was 13. I'm a bass player. Oh, you're a bass player. Oh, damn.

The one instrument we can't... I didn't even do that. That did it itself. That was amazing. I think it's very fitting. Todd, are you in a relationship right now? I am. How long have you been with her?

Four or five months. Is it true that one joke that you said about how you eat pussy? Is that true? Yeah. Also, Tony, if his joke is true about there being a lot of calories in pussy, then that makes sense why in December I gained 30 pounds. And Tony only gained three and a half.

All right. I don't know how I can really top that, other than by perhaps acknowledging that you can't actually gain weight by eating pussy at all I'll just go with sweet sweet science is my comeback on this one and I'll let you guys know that you guys just eat like pigs Todd what does she do? she's a jewelry designer and maker

jewelry designer and maker. Jewelry designer major? Designs and makes and sells jewelry. So she believes in crystals is what she did. No, not so much. I mean, she went to school for it and everything. For crystals? No, for diamonds.

That was like a George W. Bush response. She's a jewelry designer maker. Those things with her hands, you know. Really was. Welcome to Texas. Birdwell, what else are you into? What else do you do for fun? Fuck, I mean, this is pretty much it. Come on.

Music. What else? You play music to who? By yourself? No, I was in a... You in a band? I was for a while. What's the name of the band?

The band that I played with for a while was called Prophets and Outlaws. They still play around. Wait, wait a second. Are there really was called Profits and Outlaws. They still play around. Wait a second. Are there really some Profits and Outlaws fans? You know this is the fucking bass player, dude? That's awesome. What?

For those of you listening to the podcast right now, she just pulled up her shirt, and she has a tramp stamp of Profits and Outlaws on her tailbone. Wow. Wow. Man, that's exciting. Did you meet her when you were doing the band? No, I actually stopped at a little while ago.

You gave up on the band? No, I quit drinking. It got in the way of touring and playing and working and all that. What was your drink of choice? Fuck everything. How long have you been sober?

A year and a half. You look like you've still been drinking. Do you know that? You're the only person I've ever seen get sober and look worse than they did when they were drinking. Joelberg? Actually, pussy also has alcohol in it. Joelberg is in the motherfucking house. Todd Birdwell. Well, anything else you want to say before you go?

Wow, the timing on that this thing is like doing shit by itself today I might have to get a new iPad okay well anyway thank you the worst goosebumps book ever Brian and the mystery of the iPad

seriously do you enjoy stand up does that fill a lot of the void that you think you had from drinking and stuff because it seems like you started stand up after you quit drinking right yeah I started a year after are you like addicted to Red Bull now

and like coffee five Red Bull a guy no I think Joey Diaz has a joke after you do a bunch of blow and Adderall Red Bull and stuff. Well, I know any guy that's like an AA that has an addictive personality, whenever they quit drugs, they just

start drinking tons of it. What do you fill the void with? I mean, this is it. All right. Well, there you go. There he is. Todd Birdwell, everybody. Fun little 60 seconds. He's on Twitter at ThisIsBirdwell. He's right there also in the third row for those of you in the live audience. Just goes to show you. One second you're there. The next

you're here. Anything can happen. Todd Birdwell. Alright. This person used a blue pen. Put your hands together for Julio Avila. Here we go. Feels like we're in Dallas. Julio Avila. Here we go. Feels like we're in Dallas. Julio Avila. Ra-pa-pa-pa. Is there movement happening? Hell yeah.

It's a goddamn fire hazard here tonight. Make some noise, Dallas. We did it. Sold out, motherfuckers. Julio Avila. What's up guys? Annyeonghaseyo! You gotta start learning Korean in case we get invaded Jesus Christ

Is it just me or am I the only person who used to think that Lil' Kim was Korean? Bestiality The other day I was in the deep web trying to buy some Bitcoin, and I ran into some bestiality. Three hours later, I was like, this isn't for me. I was like, these guys are losers. Then I realized the people who watch them are losers.

Jesus Christ. I'm getting super fat, dude. Super fat. I mean, look at this double chin I think it's just easier to grow a beard I mean, gluten-free bread, what the hell? If gluten was free, I'd eat bread every day I used to think I was telepathic

Then I realized I was just schizophrenic. Thank you. Julio Avila. First of all, let me tell you this. I fucking love you. Thank you. Now, second of all, why do you look like a corpse of Jimmy Kimmel?

I weigh 300 pounds, guys. I think he looks more like if Joel Berg was a fat lesbian. Hi, I'm Julie. Okay. Joel Berg? I'm going to guess you didn't get this wave from Pussy. Oh, my God. I'm a freak. I'm a freak.

Oh, my God. Julio, you're taking off clothes as the interview goes on. This is interesting. We normally don't have this. Just in case. What kind of underwear are you wearing, Julio? What the fuck? I've never asked anyone that question before. Oh, man, no!

No underwear! Swamp ass! What did I say? Was there nothing there? I come prepared. Oh, okay, I don't know what that means. He only wears a condom, dude. Wet butt. Julio, you're an interesting guy.

What do you do for work? I don't. I'm unemployed. What did you used to do? I used to work for the Boy Scouts until they fired me. Oh. Wow. You were getting turnt up, huh?

Fuck yeah. Those little Cub Scouts were dealing with a bear, huh? Rawr. Hashtag recluse. See, that would have been a time for a bear sound effect, Ryan. I went raw. Wait, why no underwear? I mean, do you do that every day?

I'm lazy, you know. Do you do that every day? Five years. Five years? So your jeans just smell like asshole. Julio, let's go back to what's really happening here. Julio, how did you get fired from the Cub Scouts? Was it because you're 34?

How old are you? 27. Okay. We're going to have to let you go. You've gotten no badges while you've been here. What is this, Pokemon? Jesus. Did you get caught doing anything?

I used to take a lot of days off. Yeah, not wearing underwear around Cub Scouts. Apparently. When your zipper's down, it's there. I wear tiny whitey's. What do you wear,'s there. I wear tiny whities. What do you wear, Scoutmaster? I wear nothing. It's funny. I've never asked in like 150 episodes,

I've never asked anyone what kind of underwear they wear. And for some reason, when he took his sweater off, I had a funny feeling that he'd have a silly type of underwear on. Like something in my gut told me that. Come to find out, the guy hasn't even worn underwear in five years. It's just ingrown hairs and shit. His silly underwear... His silly underwear

is just a fupa. Alright, you ready for this, Julio? It's the million-dollar question. What did you do to get let go from the Cub Scouts? I used to take a lot of days off to travel. To hang out with other Cub Scouts? Yeah. What did you do?

What were you doing on your days off? I was traveling. I used to take, like, months off. I took a four-month trip to Europe and South America. Really? Where'd you go in Europe? Other than Spaghetti Land. I was doing so good until I got to Italy. That's true.

What is Spaghetti Land? Pizza's only one euro. What is spaghetti with? Gelato. Super delicious, guys. Somebody do something. I can't do anything right. I'm 300 pounds and I'm a vegan.

What kind of... Wait, wait, wait. I'm back. Wait I'm a vegan. What kind of... Wait, wait, wait. I'm back. Wait, wait, wait. What? You're 300 pounds and you're vegan? Yes. How long have you been vegan for? Four years.

You look like you only eat cheese. How are you vegan? You look like you eat cheese and drink it down with milk. This doesn't make any sense. Dude, that was like somebody put smelling salts underneath Tony's nostrils. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're a vegan?

I don't know why I said Spaghetti Land. I feel like that may have been the funniest thing I've ever said during comedy in over 10 years. Where'd you visit in Europe? Spaghetti Land. So stupid. Okay. Fuck yeah.

So, you got fired from the Cub Scouts for traveling too much. What did you do in Europe again? Just walked around. No, you didn't. You're a liar. You're not a vegan and you're not walking around Europe. No exercise. Just walked around.

Where, restaurants? Walked around to each restaurant. Jesus Christ. What's your love life like, Julio? Two years. Yeah? That's how old the kid is? Boy Scouts.

Red Band. Jesus Christ. Red Band. Jesus Christ, Red Band. Two years. You guys still banging a lot? We banged before the show. Yeah? Yeah. Wow.

Smelly parking lot. What'd you guys... Wait, what? Nothing, nothing. Smelly parking lot? Is that what you just said? No. What'd you say? Smelly parking lot. God, you you just said? No. What'd you say?

Smelly parking lot. God, you definitely have the smelliest jeans ever. Okay, enough about, we gotta move past the pants. What do you mean, smelly parking lot? Is that what you're saying? Smelly parking, smell the parking lot? Smelly parking lot. We did it in the parking lot.

Wow, in your car? No, we got out of the car.. Wow. In your car? No. We got out of the car. Wow. What kind of car do you have? A bus. Toyota Camry, whatever. Toyota Camry.

I was just going to say, you think that he could do it in a car? Yeah, I'm trying to do the math. I'm flexible. No. You couldn't have sex in a Camry, Julio. Come on. So what'd you guys do? You did it against a wall?

Against her car. Against her car? It was a quickie. What kind of car does she have? Toyota Camry. Oh, you guys have the same car. Yeah. Yeah.

You did that tonight? It's pretty cold outside. You gotta risk it for the biscuit Yeah That's what I always say Jeremiah It's never too cold outside When you're literally built like a snowman Julio, how long have you been on stand-up?

Two years. Fuck yeah. Well, you're a funny guy. You came on. You made fun of yourself. Other shit happened, too. It was nice to meet you. We're going to keep moving on.

Julio Avila, ladies and gentlemen. There he is. It says Julio and Chris1223, but it says hashtag, not an at symbol before that. So maybe he's trying to get himself trending or something like that. Trying to mix these around and swirl them all around in the bottom of this

thing. There's no real give here. Is that Uncle Ron's gold vase of destiny? What is that? This does look like something that Paul Bear would raise up to make the Undertaker get stronger. And earn, ladies and gentlemen.

This is an interesting name. Large letters. Blue ink. Put your hands together for Quentin J. Bitch, you guessed it. You was right. Bitch, you... Shit. My wife and I, we've been married to each other three times, divorced twice.

So when people ask me, what's the secret to a healthy marriage? I tell them that you and your spouse have to have a common interest. Like my wife and I, we've been part of a swingers group for about nine years now, but we've never been able to host a party at our trailer because all I got in the living room is a small recliner in my love seat. So yesterday, I went on Craigslist, found me this real nice five-piece wraparound couch. Can't fucking wait till Wednesday. Because when I get that feeling, I want sectional seating. That's right, sectional seating, baby.

It's good for me. Now my wife and I were raising 12 god-fearing children and when you got 12 kids fucked up shit always happens like last Friday got a letter from the local school saying my second oldest boy was in ISS whole family's in complete shock First of all You win an extra 22 seconds No, it's okay We were a little bit late on the cat Punchline is coming

I'll do it in the parking lot Everybody stop Everybody relax Quentin, Brian, everybody Quentin, let me tell you this. First of all, I fucking love you. Thank you. Holy shit.

You are the fucking man. Nothing you said was particularly funny, but you are a delivery system for greatness. Thank you, sir. Thank you. When we figure out what the fuck you should really be talking about,

you're going to be un-goddamn-stoppable. Can I tell you one thing? First of all, you're a goddamn patriot. That hat says, because you're facing out that way, and I can tell, there's the little connector thing where you select the size. On that, it says USA. And above that, where the little space is just above that, on the back of his hat, it says USA.

Fucking A. Can you turn your head around and show them that real quick in the light? The back of his hat starts chants on their own. Tony. Yes, Schoelberg. His hat just told me to go back to my country. Okay. Quentin's hat voted for Trump twice.

Quentin, you are the shit, man. I've never had anyone just wear one outfit before. It seems like years ago it was Julio up here not wearing underwear. Are you wearing an outfit like that? I'll be honest with you, I don't care if you're wearing underwear. You know that? Goddamn American, let that shit dangle. Red, white, and blue,

the American Eagle all the way. Let your fucking little bald eagle dangle, my friend. Quentin, you are a fucking man. What kind of cars do you fix? Anything that's broke down, basically. You are? You are a mechanic? No, I'm a truck driver. driver fuck yeah we love truck drivers here you may know that uh this past august jeremiah and i for a

month tried to make on our uh tour we tried to make as many uh trucks honk as possible what's your policy when you see a person uh in their window going like this to you like come on man man, please. Oh, wait, you give us the finger? Unless it's a kid. If it's a grown man, fuck him. Really? Do you get that a lot? Do a lot of grown men try to do that? I actually do. Mostly homeless people, but

from time to time. You'll have a guy in the car doing this. Homeless people? What are they doing driving on the freeway? I didn't know homeless people were sitting shotgun a lot. Who the fuck's driving these homeless people up and down the freeway? Where do you mostly drive? Like, what's your route of choice?

Are you based out of here? Yeah, out of Dallas. I just, I'm local. I do transport. Wait, where'd your accent go? No, that was a part of the character. Really? Was it?

Right when he ended, he was like, can I finish the race? And I'm back, everybody. Quentin J. I can bring that shit back if you want it, man. So that's interesting. How long have you been driving trucks for? Three years. Wow, three years.

What were you doing before that? Ran a body shop for my father-in-law, and then I did a kids' show. We traveled around doing educational shows for five years. Wow, what kind of kids' shows were you doing? What's up, boys and girls? You ready to talk about America? This is a picture of an A-Rab.

We don't like A-Rab, Rocker. And today, it's going to be our dartboard. We don't like any of that rock up there. And today it's going to be our dart board. Wow. What kind of games would you play with the kids? We did educational shows on bullying and test taking skills. Tattle on the illegal aliens. Yeah. Kingston Yetta Protocol. Things like that in Texas, man.

Fuck yeah. So are you really like this type of character or you just exaggerate it? Yeah, it's just a character. I'm an actor, acting background. It's just a character. Wow, what have you acted in? Did a few commercials. No, you know what I did?

I saw his movie. I think it's called Making a Murder. What have you acted in? What kind of commercials? Dentist before pictures? Wait, did you say Whataburger? Yeah. What kind of Whataburger commercial were you in?

No, all this shit was like late 90s, early 2000s, so it was a while back. Wow. I gave it all up for truck driving. What? Really? Yeah. The real dream. When you do a lot of meth, it comes naturally, so just had to go with the flow.

Wow. You ever hook up with what they call a lot lizard? Once or twice. Once or twice, because it gets lonely out there. Still have the gonorrhea. Oh, I see what you did there. Did you really catch anything, or what was that really like? No, no. No, I was just fucking around with that.

No lot lizards. You've never done it? No. Have you ever met one? No, I don't hang out in truck stops because I'm just daily around town. Sublime. Play it, brother. Are you married?

Yes. Yes. A contracted gonorrhea. I got swollen yellow balls. I had a million lovers. I infected all and I feel the burn burn Feel the burn, feel the burn Quentin, we're going to keep moving along. It was nice to meet you.

Very, very fun stuff. Quentin Che, ladies and gentlemen. Characters are fun, but I thought that's who he really was. I would have been so much more excited had he been like a real hillbilly. Turns out the guy's like a business accountant that just so happens to drive trucks.

Quentin J. One more time for Quentin, everybody. He's like Larry the Serious Satellite Radio guy. All right. This one was wrapped tight like a scroll. Put your hands together for Ben Malone. Wow. Listen to that pop from the corner. I think Ben Malone.

Wow. He's taking the fire hazard route. Here he comes. Ben Malone, ladies and gentlemen. So I've got 60 seconds to get some laughs. Can I phone a friend? Oh. I started doing stand-up to take advantage of my severe case of ADD.

It's really ADHD, but I call it ADD for short. When I was little, I was so hyper, I gave myself shaking baby syndrome. And stuff my parents did didn't make it any better. Like when I was six, I still wet the bed. So they got me an electric blanket. It's really tough having an adult ADD. I actually went to college. I think it was a waste of time because I studied genealogy for four years, but I still can't grant wishes

all right yeah Ben Malone hell yeah what's up Ben how's it going? Are you always this nervous? Oh, probably more so right now. Yeah? Yeah. Can we get some paper towels from one of the waitresses? I know, yeah. We need to disinfect that.

Why? What's going on? Sweating? Sweating. Yeah, a little bit, yeah. Look at his hands. Tony, I know why he's sweating. Oh, shit. Good thing you don't have a black light up here. Okay. Oh, a little bit. Crazy. Look at his hands. Tony, I know why he's sweating. Oh, shit. Oh, good thing you don't have a black light up here.

Okay. Oh, all right. Wow. A lot of racist shit going on in Texas. Yes. I know why he's sweating. Yeah? My name's Chris Hansen, and this is To Catch a Predator.

Ah! He's there. Would you like some sweet lemonade? All right, all right. Just Brian. There you go. Oh, thank you very much. There you go.

That's for you. It's for you. It's affecting Brian. And Brian only. Ben, how long have you been doing stand-up? For about nine years now. Nine years. Wow.

Have you always looked like an assistant basketball coach? Nine years now? Nine years. Wow. Have you always looked like an assistant basketball coach? That's what I was going for. Jeremiah? I watch a lot of Planet Earth, and he looks like a baby turtle.

Ben, what do you really do for work? For work right now, I actually am a direct care worker. For a what? Wait, what? I'm a direct care worker with juveniles at a psychiatric residential facility. What? Yeah. I feel like you should be in that facility. I know, right?

Takes one to know one, I guess. I don't know. What do you normally stand like if there's not a microphone in front of you? Like this. You just always move your hands continuously? hands Yeah I talk with my hands a lot Really You're filled with napkins right now Alright Jesus Christ

Now it's just back to soaking wet hands all over electrical shit. You're going to get electrocuted, Ben. I know, right? Can we get Ben some cotton gloves, please? I know, right? Okay, okay. It's okay. Let's not make it about the napkins.

It really doesn't translate to the podcast. So, Ben, what's your real life like uh yeah i just oh you mean what i do for fun yeah oh sure when i'm not working oh yeah i uh i like the outdoors like i like to go running and play basketball wait oh shit oh yeah uh yeah i mean that's pretty much yeah nothing really yeah like work and do this you know pretty much, yeah, nothing really. You work and do this. You know, pretty much. You said, you asked what I do for fun? I taxidermy

humans. So you run and you play basketball? Where do you play basketball at, Ben? Even though you're dribbling right now. I find it hard to believe you play basketball. At the park or the gym. Really? With who?

He's a power bottom forward. You play basketball with other people? Yeah, I did this past year too. I was on a team. Well, I... I mean, I did this past year too. I was on a team. I mean, I didn't start or anything. You sat the bench in a gym game of basketball? Yeah, I rode the bench. I was keeping.

In an unorganized league, you sat out. You know what? You could just go to a different gym, dude. Seems like they already have their teams sat out. You know what? You could just go to a different gym, dude. Seems like they already have their teams figured out. By the way, janitor does not count as playing. Just picture the people

that really want to play basketball. And they're picking teams and poor Ben's just standing there not getting picked. Yo, man, nobody want wet hands Malone on their team. I ain't picking on wet hands Johnson. Fuck that guy Ball always slipping right out of his goddamn hands. Always all sweaty and nervous. Ben, do your wet hands... Do your wet hands...

Do you find them to be an advantage in the bedroom with the ladies? Pre-lube pants? Oh, yeah, yeah. Natural lube. I don't even buy KY jelly. They slide right into the woman's mouth. She had a fetish. I can't help it.

You're like a conductor with cerebral palsy. He looks like he was a doll that just got animated and is learning to use his hands for the first time. Yeah, it's like he still has the strings on him. We're just pulling him from up. He looks like if Billy Corgan went to Afghanistan.

That's my boy, Benny Rager right there. Yeah. Ben, do you have a girlfriend? I do not. No? When's the last time you were with a... When was the last time you made love?

With a live woman. Oh, a live woman. Oh. Yeah. You mean like on a date or... Oh. No, a date rape. A date rape.

Yeah, been a few years, I guess. Oh, I know. Yeah, well, I know. A few years. Yeah. Oh, you're doing your conductor thing guess. Oh, I know. Yeah, well, I mean, no, it's like it's all... Wow, a few years. Yeah, it's a while. Oh, you're doing your conductor thing again. Yeah, I know. That's my cue.

There's water spraying everywhere while he does this. It just got in my mouth. It's very salty. A few years ago, where'd you take her? Where'd you go on this date? Oh, well, I mean, a few... Well, okay. The last date I went on,

it wasn't really... Can we get some orchestra music for the conducting that he's doing with his hands right now? This is incredible. Every time he tells a story, just both hands.

It wasn't really... It wasn't really... Wait until he gets real nervous or something, it's good. Oh, okay. Let me see if I can do this with that one. No, don't. Let it out.

Be a real self. It's not a bad thing. Just ignore it. Tell the story. The last date I went on, I thought it was a date, but really it was just like, I just wanted someone to pay $45 for me to see a play

so I can have a place to text with who I really wanted to go out with later. That's what it ended up being. This is very fitting music, by the way. I don't know. It's not really sad enough, but okay. Sounds like you really got your dick wet, bro.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right, Ben. Well, we're going to keep flying through it here. You're fucking awesome. Thank you so much for coming on. Yeah, thanks for having me. He's on Twitter at RealBenMalone.

Yeah, oh, thanks, man. Fuck yeah. Jeremiah just gave him a real fist bump. Definitely not going for the handshake on that one, huh? on that one, huh? Wow, there's a lot of Ben Malone fans out there. It's one very sweaty corner of people over there.

Tony, I wanted to ask him if it was hard to tie women to train tracks with those wet hands. Probably is hard, Joel. It probably is hard Joel it probably is hard I pulled another name out of the bucket 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Josh Ogle Wow like some crazy crisis right corner of people over there The NWO of California.

Here we go. Oh, shit. Here he comes. Josh Ogle, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. So, I know I'm standing up here looking like if McDonald's had a geek squad. But I'm actually a licensed attorney in Arkansas. It just means I can read.

It's okay. But I'm actually a licensed attorney in Arkansas. It just means I can read. It's okay. But I'm actually a bankruptcy attorney. Is this the first face you see after your dreams die? And I'm real sorry about that. I was talking to this girl one time, and she was like, I went to four years of art school, and the only thing I learned was that I didn't want to be an artist. I could totally relate to that,

because I went to three years of law school, and the only thing I learned is no one wants me to be their lawyer. It is true, though, like I had a really hard time finding a law job when I got out of law school. And I finally found somebody that would let me practice law for him. And you're all looking at him. That's right. I decided I was going to draft my own will. And then I went down to the courthouse to file it, and they rejected it.

That was really hard for me to take as a young attorney. But apparently in law school there's a fine line they don't teach you between what constitutes a will and what constitutes a suicide note. Thank you, guys. Josh Ogle Hi Josh Hi Tony How's it going? Swell

I didn't think I was going to get called I bet You must be really excited To be up here Since you're Harvey Weinstein That's not been proven In a court of law Wow

So you're really an attorney? I am. What is that? How dare you play a saxophone right in front of me? I'm right here! I think the next part's the part that's like, recognize, there it is. How long have you been a lawyer for?

I've been an attorney for five years. Wow. What kind of law do you practice? Bankruptcy. Wow. Do you specialize in food court? I was just going to say, he looks like he really tips the scales of justice. Justice. What kind of law?

Bankruptcy. So I deal with broke people all the time. Damn. They never pay you. It's a very lucrative business. Wow. Everybody you deal with is broke, even your scale. They pay him and sack lunches. Wow. What's the crazy

case that you've had? Something where you're just like, Jesus fucking Christ, man, what'd you do? I see a lot of people that owe $60,000, $70,000 in child support, and I'm like, how'd you get away with not paying for that long? It's crazy. Yeah. I don't, how'd you get away with not paying for that long? It's crazy. Yeah.

I don't understand how these people get away with it. It's good to know that you're out there defending pieces of shit, Josh. They pay the best. Wow, they do? Yeah. Really? The pieces of shit always have money. Wow, you're a real fucking scumbag.

You're just a real bottom of the barrel. There's a reason why you look like Harvey Weinstein. God doesn't fuck around with that shit. That's nature. I'm not going to give this guy an awesome vessel. Fuck this guy. Fuck yeah. Are you wearing underwear?

Jesus. I love it that when I ask that question You're like oh what's going on And then all of a sudden it's your new favorite part of the show No it's because the guy pulled down his pants and showed me his dick No this guy's definitely I know for a fact this guy's definitely wearing underwear Probably briefs Black

Star Wars boxers Boxer briefs Yeah that's what I just said Briefs or boxer briefs Wait are you saying you go boxers or you have it more tight structured? Tight, right? Yeah. You don't have fucking loose shit flying around down there.

You can't do that. There's flaps of everything down there. There's fucking balls and pubes and just shit that's never been touched before ever. A lot of shit that's never been seen down there, right? The map hasn't been drawn yet for what's going on down there. It's been seen, but not by me. Joel Berg? I was going to say, he looks like no action Bronson.

Good lord. What do you do when you're not practicing law? How long have you been on stand-up? Almost four years. Fuck yeah. Yeah, been on stand-up? Almost four years. Fuck yeah. Yeah, so usually stand-up. Yeah. That's pretty much it.

Do you have a joke about how you look like Harvey Weinstein? No, I do have a joke about how my hair is the thinnest thing about me. No, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, no, no. Well, actually, it's the second thinnest thing about me. That's cute and all, but you need to have a whole thing about how you're Harvey Weinstein. Like, if I looked like you, that'd be everything I'm doing right now. I'd be like, I'm Harvey Weinstein, and I'm getting my life together.

Who wants to fuck? It'd be my whole act. I've been going to therapy for this sex thing. Nice tits, lady. Anyway, it would just fucking kill. You see what it's doing right now? And I just thought of it. I just met you 40 seconds ago.

All right. What do you do when you're not doing stand-up or practicing law what does a guy like you do for fun when you're not just feeding from the bottom you know uh probably hanging out with my girlfriend or yeah my friends oh yeah drinking a lot of drinking fuck yeah what's your drink of choice uh whiskey and coke yeah. What kind of whiskey? Cheap. That's so unlawyer of you. It seems like your law offices would just be like a bachelor pad. You walk in,

you answer in your socks, dressed like that. You've got half-eaten dominoes on the table. you're like, have a seat on my lazy boy. Let me move some boxes out of the way for you first. How long have you been with your girlfriend?

Almost a year. Where'd you meet her at? She's a comedian also, actually. That's gonna last. What else does she do? How does she make a living? I mean, she's an actor She pays her bills acting in commercials and stuff

A lot of acting and commercials going on here in Dallas that I didn't know about I'm from Los Angeles I didn't know there was a whole scene out here of that happening. Well, I'm actually from Arkansas, but I mean, yeah, there's enough work. What kind of commercials has your wife been in that we might recognize?

I'm wondering if I should say she's my girlfriend, not my wife, or if that's going to get me in trouble. Wait, she's your wife? No, she's my girlfriend. Oh, did I say wife? Oh, my bad. Girlfriend. No worries. Yeah, go ahead.

I mean, you would think the only person who would sleep with me is someone that's married to me, but... Wow. Now, car commercials... What kind of car commercials? For, like, local dealerships and stuff like that. Okay. This isn't really... If you do get married, you can sign your own prenup.

Is she here tonight tonight did she sign up she did she is here your girlfriend's here that's cool well alright shut up lady

think you get to heckle just cause you fuck this no you don't sit there like a good fuck this. No, you don't. Sit there like a good goddamn audience member. You get pulled out of the bucket, then you get to speak. See? This whole fucking

Me Too movement has all the ladies heckling now. Used to be drunk dudes, so now it's powerful women! Alright, Josh, we're gonna keep moving through. Maybe we can get your girlfriend up here if I pull her out.. All right, Josh. We're going to keep moving through. Maybe we can get your girlfriend up here if I pull her out. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.

Josh Ogle. We're meeting a lot of fun characters tonight. I'm having fun. I give this show 100%. One fell out, and I grabbed one, too. Ooh, this looks interesting. I love three names. If this sounds anything like your name, it's you.

Jared Lowry. What is happening? There's like one group of friends here. Here we go. Jared Lowry, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah! All right. I've been wondering what the J in Donald J. Trump stands for.

And I think it's jaundice. I mean, just look at the guy. Alright. When I was a kid, I told my parents I wanted to go to SeaWorld. So they bought me a globe so I could see the world. It's not what

I meant, Mom. They're like, just sit there and spin your globe. Get the fuck out of here. All right. But I had a hard life growing up. My parents are still together. It's still alive. I only got one Christmas.

That's when I got that globe. Yep, that was last month. Two months now. Almost. All right. What's up, man? Jared Lowry. What's up? Here we go. Do you really sound like that? Yes. Really? Yeah. I'm not like that guy in Coveralls. Is there just one sloth? Is there just one slothering group of people in that corner that's all rooting for each other?

What do you guys just do? Have an ice cream group meet up or something like that and do comedy together? You guys are all built horribly. You guys look like you eat shit, literally. You're all recovering human centipedes or something like that. Doesn't he look like Gerald Butler?

Gerald Butler. Dude, people say that all the time, actually. People say that? Yeah, you look like Gerard Butler was an actual butler and ate all the shit that he was butlering. No, man, it's like two comedians, one cup up there. Wow. Proof that we make it look easy, folks.

Jeremiah? He looks like he recently went into a diabetic coma just to wake up to eat more food. Actually, I got a song about diabetes. Okay, Jared, no one gives a fuck. Actually, I think I song about diabetes. Okay, Jared. No one gives a fuck. Actually, I think I'm pretty interested in this song, actually. You ding right you are.

It's gonna be a hit. For the love of... Contracted diabetes! Alright. No, it's not that. Jared, over here. Why do you look like you got casted to play the real-life Homer Simpson? Oh, homie.

Man, I'd be so honored if I got to do that. I bet you would. What's your favorite thing to eat so that I know never to touch it again? I like cheeseburgers and pizza. Sometimes on top of the pizza. Wow. Cheeseburger. You look like a grown man, but you sound like a young child.

Has anyone ever told you that? You look like you would beat up the guy that you sound like. I probably have. I probably have. Wow. What do you do for work? I'm a graphic designer. Fuck yeah.

You have a phone charger hanging out of your pocket right now. One of the many signs of people that have their lives together. Fuck yeah. You have a phone charger hanging out of your pocket right now. One of the many signs of people that have their lives together. I do. It is a thing, right? You can really judge how good a person is at life by how much battery their phone has. Right? You sort of can to some degree. Their headphones.

How much battery does it get? I always forget to plug it in. I'm at 71, but it's been a busy day. That's different. Why'd you bring your phone charger? Your phone was dead. They're headphones. Oh, it's a headphone jack.

Oh, okay. Wow. I figured you'd have a Bluetooth since you literally have green teeth. Oh, I love that sound. Roast battle sound, everybody. They're yellow teeth. Thank you very much.

Wow, listen to that voice crack. Oh, thank you. We've got to go back to the future. So you're a graphic designer, huh? Yeah, dude. Wow. How long have you been doing that? Forever, right?

Pretty much since this year. I just got out of college. I got my degree and stuff. Yeah? Yeah. Got your degree in graphic design? Just started working right away? Yeah, kind of.

White privilege. That's cool. That's cool. Why is your handwriting so bad? Yeah, for a graphic designer, you have the handwriting of a two-year-old. You guys see that? Can you confirm that? Seriously.

It got an actual, it got a verbal what the fuck from a guy in the front row. What? Sure, it's hard to see, but. I have a drone. Your drone wrote that? Yeah, I cut my fingers up and I can barely even write right now. Wow, Jesus. You sound like you have a little bit of a thick country accent.

What would you say is the most Texas or country or hillbilly thing about you? I'm not even from Texas. That's the most thing. Where are you from? Arkansas. Wow. Why would you want to leave Arkansas? What's the most Arkansas thing about you?

I can make Mexican food. All right, I got the Joe clap. That's not the first clap you've probably ever gotten. The actual clap You ever get an STD before? Not yet Really? You ever make love to a woman before? Yeah

How often does that happen? Just turned into a gigantic baby for the podcast No, actually I was married I find that I might have liked that I was married for five years Hell yeah By what we were talking about earlier like that. I was married for five years. Hell yeah. By what we were talking about earlier,

it looks like you ate more pussy than anybody ever. Truly the pussy eating king up here. Dude, five years of pussy will put some weight on you. You were married for five years. How long have you been divorced for? Almost four years. And what was the Razorback's name? She's actually from Texas.

Yeah, Boo Arkansas, am I right, guys? No, we suck. Why'd you guys get a divorce? Did she cheat? I didn't have a job at the time. And she was just like, You know what? I'm not happy. Tony, he cheated

on his diet. You got down. There's a bunch of crap. Hold on. Keep going. Speak a little louder. No, she was like, you know what?

I'm not happy. You don't, you don't emotionally support me or financially support me. Why does she have a deeper voice than you? I don't know.

Is she a lot lizard? I've always wondered why she had a deeper voice than you? I don't know, man. Is she a lot lizard? I've always wondered why she had a deeper voice than me. Wow. Did you support her at all? Mom always said... Man, I tried, man. Mom always said... She was too fat to pick up, though.

Mom always said life is like a box of chocolate, so I eat everything I can get my hands on. Mom always said women don't deserve equal rights. You have any black friends? Yeah. I have a friend who's black and gay. What are their names? Yeah, his name is Shadow.

What? Jay Jackson. Jay Jackson? Yeah. I feel like you just made that up. I know. That sounds like a made-up black guy name. Actually, he name is Shadow. What? Jay Jackson. Jay Jackson? Yeah. I feel like you just made that up. I know. That sounds like a made-up black guy name. Actually, he made that up.

Who's your black friend? Liberty Jenkins? Bloody Mary. That's not even really his real name, actually. Cardi C? Miller. How do you know Jay Jackson? What do you guys do together?

He's also a comedian and he's a musician. What does he play? He plays guitar, piano, drums, bass, everything. God, those black people are so talented. I know. Yeah. He does it all. Are you a musician too?

I play bass and guitar. You play bass and guitar? Yeah, and I also sing. I sing a song about diabetes. Really? Do you really sing or it's just a comedy song? It's a comedy song. Do you really have diabetes?

No. No. Tony, I am... I do in the song though. I bet you do. You will in a couple months. Yeah. Jeremiah?

I don't know if I'm the only one in here, but I am dying to hear him sing this diabetes song. Okay. Okay. Sometimes I mean, hey, if you guys if that's what you guys want, sometimes I try to ignore it. We'll see who's right here near you.

I'll be surprised if this isn't hacky as fuck. But you guys want it, you're gonna get it. This is Jared Lowry singing his diabetes song live on Kill Tony, Dallas, Texas. Here we go. I got diabetes, but I love cake. I got diabetes, but I love cake. I got diabetes, But I love cake

Oh, I love that cake I don't know what to do It's just too bad you're my type too So I'm breaking up with you I'm breaking up with cake I'm breaking up with chips I'm breaking up with cake. I'm breaking up with chips. I'm breaking up with Mountain Dew. I'll just keep this short and sweet.

I'm going to lose my feet. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. Die, diabetes. Fuck yeah. There he goes, Jared Lowery. Thank you, guys. What's this Twitter say, Jared?

What does that say? At XLJared on Twitter. There he goes. That's what Jared from Subway would look like if he actually ate Subway. I pulled a... Actually, I didn't pull it. It fell out of the bucket Subway. I pulled a... Actually, I didn't pull it. It fell out of the bucket when I pulled the last guy's name, so I'm just going to go

with this one. You guys having fun out there? Huh? I like to make sure. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Andrew Ruiz. If you want diabetes, if you want diabetes, eat ice ruiz diabetes you want diabetes you want diabetes eat ice cream

if you want diabetes you want diabetes here he comes here comes dallas's own eat ice cream thank you uh so guys i find it kind of weird that we have a huge push to adopt like cats cats and dogs and not orphans. And I think I've discovered the reason, just because we euthanize cats and dogs. So I just have a tiny suggestion. Guys, all I'm saying is we kill a few orphans and the rest are just flying off the shelves. Could you imagine?

Okay, so I've done some research into this subject, and there's 400,000 orphans in the country. I'm just suggesting, like, 4,000? Is that too many? Like, 3,500? 3,000? This has become some kind of weird auction, and I'm okay with that. Okay, guys, let's just frame it in a different way, okay?

What if we kill Philip, and now Tommy gets a mommy and a daddy, and gets to stop being an orphan? And also, Phillip gets to stop being an orphan, guys. That is a win-win situation if I have ever seen one. Fuck yeah, Andrew Ruiz. Fuck yeah, Andrew Ruiz. Fuck yeah, Andrew. How long have you been a Christmas elf for? I actually have wore this today because I wanted to look nice when I get on stage.

This is my best outfit, actually. It is? You sure? Where'd you get that sweater from? It was a gift, actually. I know, I know it was. I'm not surprised by that. That looks like a Christmas gift from a parent or a grandparent.

It was, right? Yeah, exactly. Thank you. Dress for the job you want. Video game character from Zelda. What do you really do for work, Andrew? I'm an account manager for a medical transcription company. Wow, you're responsible of all that.

Not at all. See, you have the same voice as the last guy. Totally different body. I'm the guy beat up. How old are you? 23. 23. How long have you been doing stand-up? A year. Okay. Yeah, just started. And you're working in accounting for a medical. How'd you get that job? I had a friend that had the job and he just recommended me, got me the job. You're Mexican? Technically. Technically?

Yeah. What does that mean? What does technically mean? Does that mean if I'm asking, the answer's yes, but if Ice is asking, the answer's no? No, it's just, like, circumstantial. Like, two Mexicans just happened. Circumstantial? Yeah, like, two Mexicans just had sex, and I slithered out. It's just like circumstantial. Like two Mexicans just happened. Circumstantial? Yeah, like two Mexicans just had sex and I slithered out.

It's just like. Slithered out? Yeah. This is getting super racist. Yeah. I think you just called all Mexicans snakes. You should have more pride, my friend. Come on.

Come on. Do something Mexican right now. Why did you just look down at your dick? What was that? I don't know. It's like I just don't take part in dick what was that i don't know it's it's it's like i don't i just don't take part in the culture so i like i don't speak spanish wow what is this this is like blacks for trump this is what's happening right now this guy's yes informed i can't hero pride it's not a religion or anything you know it's your mexican yeah you're right i know i can't

mexican it's just like it's just i growing up i grew up around a bunch of white people and then when mexicans would see me i didn't speak spanish so they would say things like oh you're not mexican you're you're ashamed to your entire race and so i'll get shamed for being mexican yeah it's still happening right now watch what joel's about to say no just you know them saying that doesn't make you not mexican i know i I know. I guess they're right. This is like the Disney movie, like inspirational moment where the older person puts their hand on the kid's shoulders like, You were Mexican all along. No, he ain't Mexican at all.

Do you like spicy Cheetos? I love spicy food Well, you're a Mexican Yeah, I mean, it's just like a No, dog, he ain't Mexican, dog No way, dog I can't get past the fact that he said He slithered out of his mom

That's your mother So the Mexican Yes, Joel? No, I'm just saying He's the snake on the Mexican flag, though. I didn't even realize you guys had your own flag. Anyway. So these guys would bully you back in the day, calling you not a real Mexican. Yeah, it wouldn't even be like just classmates.

It would be like full-grown people talking to a child. Like who? Like what full-grown person would do that just classmates. It'd be like full-grown people talking to a child. Like who? Like what full-grown person would do that to you? I'd be at like the laundromat and like just... Washing what? Sweaters like that? No, just me and my mom. I'd be with my mom while she's washing clothes.

Yeah. And people would... That's exactly what I was just going to say. Literally, that is Mexican as fuck. I've never been to a laundry mat with my mom. No, that's where it goes down for Mexicans, dude. You get a Mexican near a fucking quarter machine, they just start making babies.

So, wow. And what does your mom think about this? My mom's from Ohio, so that's why I don't speak Spanish, just because she's, yeah. What part of Ohio? Toledo. Oh, okay. Yeah.

And what about your dad? Is your mom still with your dad? No, they had me and just, yeah, stopped. Super Mexican. Yeah, it's as Mexican as it gets. They were never together. What does your dad do? My dad's a waiter. Fuck, yeah, super Mexican yeah it's as Mexican as it gets they were never together it's just what does your dad do my dad's a waiter

fuck yeah super Mexican this is like the most credit I've ever gotten for being Mexican well I mean this is then when those bullies

tell you you're not Mexican show them the video footage of this show my friend you're like you think I'm not Mexican watch this shit does your mom wear Jordans no I mean I do You're like, you think I'm not Mexican? Watch this shit. Does your mom wear Jordans?

No. I mean, I do. How long have you been wearing sweaters like that? Because I could sort of see why they would say that. This is like news. Your whole life, right? I mean, if you're wearing them when you're 23, you're obviously wearing the sweater your mom got you when you're younger than that.

No, I used to wear white t-shirts all the time, actually. Really? Yeah. That's super Mexican. I mean, yeah, man. I used to wear a white t-shirt and backward Dodger caps. Yeah, I used to have a buzz cut,

a big burly mustache. A burly mustache, really? He was trying to say barely. I barely had it full. Barely had a barely. I barely had it full. I barely had a mustache. I mean... This is the greatest comedy show on the planet. I don't care what anybody says. SNL has to practice

like 30 hours a day for that shit. This is all live. How old were you when you first got your mustache? Like eight? Like the little ones on the side? Like 11. 11?

Yeah. Super Mexican. All right, Andrew, we're going to keep flying through people. Keep having fun. You're a goddamn Mexican. Own up to it. This guy's got to own his true ethnicity, right? I'm not black.

I'm not black. Can you imagine that? Well, you're not black, Brian. All right. I'm going to try to get one from around there. Okay. Ooh, this looks interesting. How about Joel?

Yes? Not, nothing. Put your hands together for Java Man Java Man What Is he coming Dallas Texas Don't lose me now We have basically only one comedian left after this So make some fucking noise people

What are you guys doing Paying your bills We have basically only one comedian left after this. So you make some fucking noise, people. What are you guys doing? Paying your bills? It's a fucking rock show. Get it together. There he is, Java Man. Hey, how's it going? I'm not much of a comedian.

I had maybe about 15 seconds worth of material, but here we go. Hi, on my way over here, I was picking up my friend and this black cat was about to cross the street. And so before it crossed the street, I decided to speed up and run it over so it wouldn't give me bad luck. So far it's doing pretty good because I was nervous about coming up here. So then I turned the corner and I see a rabbit. Now, I decided not to kill it. That's, you know.

So, that's basically all I had. Should be about like 45 seconds. Woo! Fuck yeah, Java man. Are you the guy that called earlier asking if you could bring a gun? Uh, no. Do you have two cans of dip in your front pocket? I do.

You do? Are they two different flavors of chewing tobacco? Mint and wintergreen. Wow. Fuck yeah. I work late nights, so I gotta do something. You're like Felipe Dips Barza. Oh my god.

Looks good. work late nights, so I gotta do something. You're like Felipe Dips Barza. Oh my god. So, what's the job that you work at night time? I'm a painter. Wow, that's not believable whatsoever. What are you painting at night time? It's called graffiti. Did you say where?

No, what? What are you painting? Like houses? No, I paint commercial work like office spaces, basically. And you do that at night time mostly? It's just this job pertaining to you. I have to work at night time because there's people working during the day. Gotcha. How long have you been

painting for? This will be two years. Man to man? Do you like it? Let me try that again. Man to man, have you ever fucked painting for? This would be two years. Man to man? Do you like it? Let me try that again. Okay. Man to man? Have you ever fucked a squirrel? I'm going to go with no.

Is that what you're going to go with or is that the answer? I'm going to go with no. Java man. Why did you sign up under the name Java man? It's my gamer tag for Xbox Live. Fuck yeah. What do you sign up under the name Java Man? It's my gamer tag for Xbox Live. Fuck yeah! What do you play

on Xbox Live? What's your game of choice? I play all over, you know. First person shooters, sports games. What's the creepiest thing you've ever done? Creepy? Come on. I don't know. I thought maybe you'd ask like...

Well, I just asked that instead. Creepiest thing I've ever done. Fuck a squirrel? No, like, what's something weird that you do? Like, you ever, like, eat your toenails or, like, jump off the top of houses or anything like that? I think about... Getting into fights all the time. Used about getting into fights all the time. You used to get in fights all the time?

I think about getting into fights all the time. You think about getting in fights all the time. How often do you actually get into fights? Zero percent of the time. Zero percent of the time. Wow, that's really interesting. That's a very future school shooter train. That's what I'm thinking.

I think about killing. Just picture getting into fights all the time. Don't actually do anything. You just let it build up. Carry around two cans of chewing tobacco. All the signs were there. I'll find that in a few years. You're getting closer to me.

Java man. So, like, what is, like, when's the last time you pictured getting into a fight? Does it happen all the time? Like, did it happen, like, for example, on your way in here? Well, I mean, not maybe like at work, because I'm Mexican, but I don't know any Spanish. I don't know Spanish as well.

That's hilarious. That's hilarious, Red Bear. Not all the time, but when's the last time? Work. Work. To the people. To the people. All right people all right all right all right all right um so like the last time at work that that happened who was it the guy that you're mad at or you're not even mad at them it's usually no like it's an innocent person you're just like

an innocent person or it could be like uh someone like who knows spanish that they know i don't know spanish and so it'll be talking shit you know oh wait a second is this our second mexican in a row that doesn't know how to speak spanish this is like a funny thing we're finding out about sorry uh what's the most spanish thing uh what's the most sp Spanish thing you could say right now? Go ahead, say it. I recently got called racista, but that's just because... What's that mean? I think it means racist. Joel?

Are you racist against Mexicans? No, I mean, I'm Mexican. So who are you racist against? Let me ask you this. What's your least favorite race? Does Canadian count? What? Does Canadian count?

Canadian? Does that count? Sure. That's not a... Fuck yeah. What do you hate about Canadians? The whole A thing. Wow.

What else? What else? I love that he's calling black people Canadians right now, by the way. Can we call them Canadians? Sure, buddy. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Let's do it. Kidding, black people.

Mexicans say A too. Yeah. Say A. Say A. Don't we do this every day, A? I work them long. All right. Canadians with their baggy clothes.

All right. All right. Canadians with their baggy clothes. All right. All right, Java Man, I'm going to be honest with you. You're a cool dude, good intentions. You scare the shit out of me a little bit, and that's how life goes. Don't picture getting into a fight with me, please. Right on, man. I'm glad to be on the show. There he goes, Java Man.

You guys ready to get one more person up here, and then we're going to wrap this thing up? Because we have to get through this. We have a hard out. Because we have stand-up shows tonight at 8 and 10. I believe both are sold out. Is that 10 p.m. sold out? 10.30, Randy? Still tickets available for the 10.30.

Wow, look at that. So if you guys don't have tickets, you can go have dinner, come back, and watch us all do stand-up sets, our actual acts. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. You guys ready for one last comedian for Kill Tony? Dallas, Texas.

Did you guys have fun here tonight? It's a real fucking slobber knocker of a show. All right. Finally, a lady. Put your hands together for Amanda Brown. Yeah, here she is. Amanda Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, make some noise.

This is it. Hi, I'm Amanda. This is actually my first rodeo, so woohoo! A little bit about myself, I've been married to my high school sweetheart for over 18 years. It's a really long time. So my friends and family are always asking me for advice. How do you keep the passion alive? What's your secret?

And it's always really embarrassing, because I'm a really bad liar, so I always tell them the truth. It's porn. You can laugh all you want, it's the truth. The other night we were watching some really great adult entertainment. This girl was down there, she was doing some things, you know, it was looking pretty good. So the guy reaches back, and he pulls out this cattle prod looking thing and he's like zapping it. I'm like, oh crap, she is in for it. And it's like zap, zap, zap, right in the wiener. Oh my God. I was just as shocked as you. While he's doing that, he's like, why don't you make it a little more interesting? And I'm like, that's pretty electrifying to me.

I guess it was her first rodeo, too. Woo-hoo. Fuck yeah. Amanda Brown, ladies and gentlemen. I'm so glad to be here. What does that mean? What is first... Where to?

What are you doing? What is first rodeo? What does first rodeo mean? Is this your first time ever doing stand-up? It's a Texan thing. They're like, well, it's not my first rodeo mean? Is this your first time ever doing stand-up? It's a Texan thing. They're like, well, it's not my first rodeo about everything. Like barbecuing. How long have you been on stand-up for?

This is my very first time. It actually really is my first rodeo. There you go. It is her first time. Amanda Brown. I was like, I'm going to go big or go home. I loved her in Star Wars as Ewok number three. Yeah, she's like Princess Leia potato chips.

Yeah. I've got a good one, though. Princess Leia round all day. Hell yeah, Princess Leia round all day. I like that. That's a good punch up, Amanda. I'm serious. That's funny.

Princess Leia potato chips. That's pretty good. Although I don't eat potato chips because I'm serious. That's funny. This is the first time I've had potato chips. That's pretty good. Although I don't eat potato chips because I'm on keto. I don't know what that is. You're adorable, Amanda. I'm trying. I'm trying, y'all. No, you're sweet. You're just getting roasted

right now. That's okay. I could use a little bit of a tan. So a light roasting would do me some good. It's all good, Amanda. Just relax. Let us do our job up here. I came prepared. Just breathe, Amanda.

Everything's okay. All right. Anyway, we've got a live wire up here right now. This is what happened to a lot of ladies when Hillary lost. This is what happened. Sorry. A lot of them were just lost. This is what happened. Sorry. A lot of them were just broken. I'm so excited to be here, though.

Was anybody else kind of creeped out whenever she was talking about porn and she was calling it like a wiener and stuff like that? I didn't want to be too dirty, you know? I watch filthy porn, but I still call it a wiener. Yeah. Let me see that bigger wiener. It's like baby porn or something. Who talks like that? I heard rumors. I was watching Two Girls, One Cup, and poo-poo came out of the

whoop-whoop. Whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop. Amanda, what do you do for work? We own a mattress store here in the prairie. Looks like you've been getting high on your own supply, you know what I'm saying? It's my favorite. You own a mattress store? That's so fucking cool.

We sell mattresses and furniture around town. It's called Best for Less. Look us up. Mattress Store Texas on Instagram. Rest for Less? Best for Less. Best for Less. That doesn't have anything to do with mattresses. Best for Less.

It should be Rest for Less. Do you know that? People tell me all the time it should be that? I just did punch up on your fucking company. This is like real life Shark Tank right now. Rest for less. I want 5% of the company. Change it to rest for less. Let's reap the profits.

Alright. I want to get in bed with you. That's a business terminology. Sounds like a lot of fun. Husbands right there, you goddamn animals. That's a business terminology. Sounds like a lot of fun. Husbands right there, you goddamn animals. It's a business term. Get into bed with someone. It's a mattress fucking company, you assholes.

Ruthless, these people. What do you guys think about those box mattresses that have been all over the Facebook? We used to sell some of them and they're actually pretty good. They've got money back guarantees so give them a try and send them back if you don't like them. You do any boxing yourself? Shadow boxing?

No, not really. I've always wanted to do kickboxing and stuff, but I'm a weenie. What part of the business do you do, and what part does the husband do? There's that weenie again. Y'all like that? It's cute, right? What do you do for the mattress company? Well, my husband does all the hard work. Right. Wait, wait, wait. Y'all like that? It's cute, right? What do you do for the mattress company? I run it.

My husband does all the hard work. Right. Wait, wait, wait. I want to hear you say that one more time. My husband does all the hard work. And I just kick back and Instagram all day. And make little things for our store. You make what for the store? Oh, shit, Scott.. You make what for the store?

What do you make for the store? Instagram, Snapchat. Your social media. Yeah. I'm trying to get Internet famous, so this is really going to help my career take off. I know a lot of people in the mattress game that get a lot of their business from Instagramming.

I thought we were going for porn jokes again. What? He knows a lot of people in the mattress game. I mean, you cancel comedy out. Do you know that? You are so aggressive. If you just listened a little more and just breathed a bit, you have a case of the Aphrodite is what you got.

That's what you have. You have everything going for you. You're so likable. You just need to relax a little more. You don't need to be so aggressive. You've got to play defense as well as offense. You know what I mean? Jeremiah Watkins.

I keep thinking of what her dirty talk with her husband would be like in the bedroom. I'm going to suck that pee-pee dry right now. That one's a little bit nasty, Seneca. It's like I really don't want to suck the pee-pee out of it. What do you call it? It's getting a little bit too far. I've got limits. Amanda, Amanda out of it. What do you call it? It's getting a little bit too far. I've got limits. Amanda, over here, what do you call it when he finishes? What do you call

that stuff that comes out of him? I call it icky goo goo butter. I really wish I had a good comeback for that one, but I just don't. Oh, God, Amanda, you are so terrible, but I love you. You have such a good intention. You're such a sweet girl.

I don't think you have a funny bone in your body. It's just hidden under all this jelly. Oh, you tried again. I'm working on it. You tried again there. I'm going to tell you what. We've got to wrap it up because we have to turn it over for the next show.

Amanda, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you, guys. It's her first time ever. Thank you. She just got roasted. Make some noise for Amanda Brown, please, people. Fucking lazy effort. Amanda Brown.

There you go. Yeah. This album is dedicated. Well, we did it. That's another episode of kill tony live from dallas texas wow even i we've done so many of these shows i can't tell you how much fun i have every single time we do this because everything's so random you never know what's gonna happen and to be able to share these moments with uh with awesome fucking people like you guys means the world. So thank you so much for coming out.

This is an episode of a podcast, so why don't we plug some stuff that we have coming up. I know I'm going to Boise, Idaho next weekend with Josh Martin. Somebody just booed either Boise or Josh Martin. It could have been anyone. And Sacramento, we're taking Kill Tony to Phoenix, Arizona. So many other fun things. TonyHinchcliffe.com.

It's all there, so you'll see that. Jeremiah. Hey, guys. Follow me on social media, at JeremiahStandUp. Listen to my new podcast called Jeremiah Wonders on other platforms. And, you know, we had a tight budget to get all of us out here to Texas, so I have CDs and stickers right outside. If you can throw donations our way, we'd love you for it.

Thank you guys so much for coming out. Patty Reagan. Thank you. Yeah, thank you, Pat. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen Come on God damn it I'm mostly sorry on Instagram

Thank you to Michael Daniels for the drum set Thank you guys, we love you Thank you guys, it's been great Brian Redband Guys, thank you very much for coming out We love you so much, thank you very much for coming out. See ya. We love you so much. Thank you. Make sure you exit that way.

That's the only way out is that way. So you can only go that way. So leave that way. I love you guys. Good night. Good night. Living life without fear Putting five carrots in my baby girl ear Lunches, lunches, it's a beautiful day