KILL TONY - KILL TONY #251

Episode Date: February 15, 2018

Mary Lynn Rajskub, Mike Lawrence, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 02/12/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Come see us live. Go to deathsquad.tv and click and you are listening to Kill Tony. Come see us live. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates to see Kill Tony in person. We record this every Monday at the world-famous Comedy Store, but we also go on the road. Like, April 5th, we're going to be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix doing a Kill Tony, and then the following couple days, we're going to be at the Tempe Improv that whole weekend.

So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. Don't forget to go to Tony's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you can find everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony book that me and Tony have been

signing and sending out. You can go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up your book and your posters. He has a lot of cool stuff there. The official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is shopsquad.tv. There you have the Death Squad shirt. You also have Kill Tony shirts. You have hats and a bunch of stuff. Go to shopsquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red bear coming to you live from the world famous coffee store for a brand new episode of kill tony you're coming up with tony hatchback i couldn't help myself i came out so early tonight hello welcome good evening make some noise it's the great brian red band is here that means that we're here to enjoy the number one live podcast in the world that's josh martin right there freakish fucking comedian producer uh we have ryan j ebelt here the house artist yes yes r Ryan has a new book out right

now. Go to his website, ryanjebeld.com. We've been signing all of them, blah, blah, blah. And they're amazing. I was just rereading mine today. Nothing cooler than having that in the middle of my little red living room table. It's cool. The book itself is an amazing art piece. Yeah. Every page is a past episode. It's cool. Just got back from an amazing art piece. Yeah. Every page is a past episode. It's cool. Just got back from Boise, Idaho. I had so much fun with Josh Martin. I'm telling you, that fucking little freak is becoming a real crazy comedian.

I heard he's crushing. He's diabolical. I heard he's crushing. And he did the same thing in Philly. He's freaky. So I just want to say, just out of the goodness of my heart, look out for Josh Martin. This motherfucker is hilarious. And he works with us here. Yeah. And this is a big fucking production we have. This motherfucker is hilarious. And he works with us here.

And this is a big fucking production we have. We're live streaming. We're not in VR 360 tonight. We have the HD. We're a podcast. Everything's happening. Are you hiring? Posting your position to job sites and waiting and waiting for the right people to see it? You shouldn't be

because ZipRecruiter, there's a smarter way and they've built a platform that finds the right job candidates for you. Yeah, it's like they really took the whole thing and took it to a different direction. They actually find you like the exact person you need and like 80% of the employers get a qualified job candidate in just 24 hours. So it's a really good place if you want to find somebody, they really nail it in and get you the right person. They know how to give you the right match. The right candidates are out there.

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Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. One more time. ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. You won't be disappointed. If you need somebody, do it for free. Just watch.

Can't lose free. Yeah. And free is good. Yeah. But, you know, it's also important to remember quality. Yeah. Right? Because usually you don't get quality with free.

Right. But sometimes you can. Sometimes great things can happen. I know one of the things that I love to do is have a Squarespace website. Dude, you know who else wants Squarespace? Joe Rogan just took his whole website and put it over at Squarespace.

Whoa. And you can make a website in less than an hour. I could go to your, and you can make a website in like less than an hour. I can go to your house right now and put together a website in less than an hour. And so can you. You know what's crazy? I'm going to interrupt you there. What? You don't even have to go to their house.

You can make their website and then just give them the login information and then it's done. Log in. Because I'm going to be honest with you. Yeah. That's how I did mine. Parking. Really? Yeah.

I had a buddy that knows a little bit more than me actually just do it. And he did a great job. And you just had to log in and there's a website for you. It's unbelievable. You can make it yourself. Easily create a website by yourself or have your smarter friend do it for you quickly.

And if you want to sell something, it has tools just to make a store just like a snap. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code KILL to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com. Enter the code KILL. If you don't have a website, you're crazy at this point.

It's 2018. It's like not having a phone. I know. It's the business card. Who has business cards now? Just go to my website. Serial killers? That's who has business cards.

Yeah, people that have things in their teeth. Speaking of killers, can I bring out tonight's guest? You guys want to fucking get this party started or what? Two of my favorite comedians to work with. Two of the best, as always. You guys are in for a special treat. Fucking monsters. Make some noise for the great Mike Lawrence and Mary Lynn Rice Cub. What?

Mary Lynn Rice Cub? From that Kevin Hart movie coming out in September called Night Cubs? Is that Mike Lawrence? Taping his next special at Cap City, 21 to 24th in Austin Texas you look like you have a beard ready for Austin Texas I was so excited for that down-to-fuck version of the x-men theme that was awesome it's definitely for you I guarantee we gonna be fucking you've been a guest on the show multiple times we always have fun. I love meeting crazy people with you. Yeah. I love sad, awful people.

Let's hope we get some sad, awful people up here tonight. Comedians, take that to heart. If you're nervous about your set, just look at it this way. If it doesn't go good, you're in good hands. We're ready for you. Trust me. It is our first time having the

lovely and hilarious Mary Lynn Rice Cub on the show, everyone. Hi. I'm hoping to see a lot of hope and a lot of potential. I'm looking for some raw talent. I love this. I love it. You look like

you're wearing the shirt that Mike Lawrence usually wears. Thank you. I'm trying to grow my beard out as well. Just stop loving yourself. I love it. Let's bring up the band. It's my favorite band. It's a huge part of this show. We just had so much fun in

Austin and Houston. So much fun that we basically broke even on having them come out with us. Yeah. They are an expensive date. Put your hands together for the best damn band in the land. The improvising genius of

the Kill Tony band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. And the bass player Chroma Chris. Hey look it's Josh Martin on a saxophone over there. What's going on? Whoa, Jeremiah's on rollerblades and he has overalls.

Oh my god, he just did a trick. Chroma Chris has a boogie board. What? Whoa, Pat Reagan has a pogo stick. No idea what's really going on up here right now. This looks like a ticking time bomb. I think I've had sex with these guys.

Oh, shit. Here comes the viral video, everybody. All right. It's a long intro. Fuck yeah. It's the Ninja Turtle writer's room. Wow. This is what I thought California was when I was

eight years old. It is, dude. Whoa. Is that what it is? You guys are like California guys? We're the Kill Tony Extreme Sports Team, dude. Boycotting the fucking Olympics, dude. Whoa.

They look like Anthony Kiedis' pallbearers. Have I had sex with any of you guys? Or all? Yes, go ahead. Jeremiah clearly wearing I don't even know if that's considered a wig

but Dude, I got't even know if that's considered a wig, but what are the, is that? Dude, I got plugs, dude. Looks like Robert Marley. There's Josh Martin handing off the saxophone to the, you look like you're in better shape. You been losing weight? Lost 22 of the 30 pounds, bro. Oh, right.

He took it off. He put it on and then took it off. You look really pretty. We have Patty Reagan. Looks like a big kid today. How are you, Patty? Good. And then we have Joel Jimenez, who looks like Joel Jimenez.

That's right, dude. It happens every episode. There's pretty much no way around it. All right. Well, we much no way around it. Alright. Well, we have the extreme sports people. They do different characters every week and they try to commit to those characters and make jokes through those characters every week.

And it's fucking crazy how brilliant they all are. You mean this isn't how they always are? No. No, it's not. Even they could do a website on Squarespace. Yes. Have you ever thought about that? Squarespace?

I already own a domain named 5050grindsforever, bro. All right. He looks like an immigrant that's trying to win his citizenship, but the only view he has of American culture is Wayne's World. Yeah, shh. I love it. I never thought I'd get to see Jeremiah play Gary Oldman's character from True Romance. And who is the president now?

A schwing? Awesome. Well, let's jump into the show. I have Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny here, and I believe over 60 fucking comedians signed up for the opportunity to be one of the people that get picked to do 60 seconds. If you get pulled out of this bucket, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Isn't that adorable? That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Okie dokie.

Let's start this fucking show. You guys ready? Did I mention I'm going to Sacramento? The Kill Tony's going to Phoenix, Arizona on April 5th. And then we're in Tempe the weekend after that. Phoenix, April 5th. And I think we can announce probably Nashville, too. Kill Tony's going back to Nashville again.

Our last episode, the great Ralphie May and Ahmed Ahmed were on that, a special episode from Nashville. Tony, when's Kill Tony going to Islamabad, dude? That's a good question. I don't really know. I talked to my great agents over at WME about that. Okay, thanks. So I'm going to

get this fucking thing started. You guys ready to do this? I have a bucket here. There's names in it. Anything can happen. This is Kill Tony episode 251. We are the number one live podcast in the world. Anything can happen. That's crazy. That's what makes it

fun and that anything can happen part starts right now when we get uninterrupted 60 seconds from Taylor Avery sounds like a new name to me you never know what's gonna happen maybe it's a person's first time ever doing

comedy maybe it's a person's first time ever out of their house but this ladies and gentlemen is Ever doing comedy. Maybe it's a person's first time ever out of their house. But this, ladies and gentlemen, is Taylor Avery, everyone. Hey, everybody. Last year was a crazy year. I was just going up to people all last year, just going, hey, whoa, hey. This isn't a Nazi haircut. It's a gay haircut, okay?

I don't want to oppress nobody. Just want people oppressing my butthole. I think Taco Bell's menu sounds like someone trying to describe Mexican food for the first time. Yeah, I'll take a beefy, crunchy roll. What's that, the exact title? The exact title. You fucking with me? I got a Ross gift card for Christmas.

Yeah, fuck them. They don't know me like that. Okay, you can fucking shop at Ross. Don't make somebody shop at Ross. You don't fucking do that to somebody. I got that from my in-laws. That's a sign, right? They don't like me. What's more white trash? Them giving that to me or like them giving it to me and not knowing it's white trash. Alright guys, I'm done. Thank you.

Alright. Whoa, Taylor, where are you going? Holy shit, Taylor. Wow, clearly it's not only Taylor's first time on the show, but first time seeing the show. Welcome, Taylor. It is. How are you? I like you. This is the part where we talk to you a little bit, get to know a little bit more about you. Well, thank you. Well, no, it's not really because of anything you did. It's just the format of the show. This is episode 251. You signed up for it. And so that's

just how it's going to work. It's not really a thank you thing. You did nothing to earn this part. This isn't like getting the couch on Johnny Carson where you just gave the performance of a lifetime and we're like, get him back up here. This is his chance to be in show business. No, no. But you are cool, Taylor. I like

your style. You remind me very much of a young version of the guy that's always trying to redecorate the house in Beetlejuice. Wants to spray paint things purple. His name is Ortho, and he was fantastic. Yes, he was in that. I couldn't think of it. You're so good with that shit.

I just read something crazy about him. I can't remember what it was. Is it like his house burnt down or something like that. The real guy? Yeah, the real guy. His name is Glenn Shadix, and he hit on me at a Comic-Con one year. He was like, young boy, get me some food. Really?

I am starving. Wow, did you? Did you get him some food? Yeah. What did you get him? You remember? I got him some chicken fingers. He was like, these are delectable. Did you say rape three times and then he disappeared?

Oh. All right. Because Beetlejuice. Taylor. Because Beetlejuice, guys, you know? You're an interesting guy. You look like you go to a glory hole and explain how the stock market works. Your life is James Van Der Bleek.

Where are you from? I'm from Orange County. Orange County. And this is clearly your first time being at this show? First time in the store. First time at the comedy store. Wow. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Two years. Two years where you've been doing it all in Orange County. A lot of Orange County. And you made the trip tonight. You signed up for the open mic and Kill Tony. Yeah. Did you get on in the open mic? Yeah. You did. So your first night at the Comedy Store, you got up in the original room. What number

were you there? Ten. That's a good fucking number. Thank you. That was fucking perfect. That's what my brain said too. Ten's a good fucking pool being a name that nobody knows. And then you come here and you get this, and here you are. What's the creepiest thing you've ever done in your life? I've had sex in downtown L.A. outside.

Whoa. Damn, that's a fucking airborne party. The thing is, you know these guys. It's good to see you, dude. Wow. So did you have sex is you know these guys. It's good to see you, dude. Wow. So did you have sex, regular or goofy? Aw. There he is.

Oh, wow. He's on a roll over there. All right. Roller blades. Fuck yeah. That's what I intended the people to understand when I said it. The thing is, there's so many... Roller blades.

Got a hammer at home, dude. Oh my God. There's so much wrong in the world now. There's so many people getting into comedy. They're like, I'm going to tackle racism and I'm going to tackle sexism. This guy was like, fuck the Taco Bell menu. That needs to be knocked down a peg, man. You know who

has it too easy? Ross. Fuck Ross. What's wrong with Ross, dude? He's a cool guy. Do you still have any money left on that Ross card? Yeah, it's in our change jar. Who's our change jar? It's me our change jar. Who's our change jar?

It's me and my partner. Aren't you married? Hold on, hold on, hold on. For you podcast listeners out there, it's very important for you to know, because you're not at the live show, that when he said partner on that he also pointed an imaginary gun out towards the back left side of the room and then fired the gun

not only did he cock it but he fired it while his hand was still on the mic that's in the mic stand i need you guys to really know that that's how he said partner he shot a gun out there what kind of bullet was that that you shot? It's a ha-ha bullet. Bullet of love. Yeah, that. I don't know if it was a very straight bullet. I'll tell you that.

How long have you been with your partner? A year now, so. Where did you guys meet? Tinder. Aren't you married? You said in-laws in the joke. I feel like I can say in-laws if it's just Wait a second. We're just curious. You fucking gays with your rules?

We're in-laws and out-laws. You know what I mean? Just making shit up. Wait, what is happening? Everything's moving too fast. Are you with a gentleman or a lady? Let's just out with it. I'm dating a trans male. Wow.

Look at that. Fuck yeah. Let's talk about it, Taylor. Are you comfortable talking about this? Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Dude, gnarly. That's fucking... What's up, dude? Thanks, buddy. It's balls to the wall, literally. That's fun. How long have you guys been together? A year. A year. That's amazing. Yeah, that's cool how long have you guys been together

a year that's amazing is there sometimes what's your tell us about it what the fuck are we talking about here here's my question all of it

go 251 episodes it took for me to ask that question I mean you know if you opened with that you would have gotten three reality show deals just so you know he talked about Ross he did didn't he looking back at it now

it's like you have a fucking gold mine I mean the thing is if you go from female to male you do get to dress for less He did, didn't he? Looking back at it now, it's like you have a fucking gold mine. I mean, the thing is, if you go from female to male, you do get to dress for less. Tony, in his defense, that is his name. It's Ross. Thank you. Rollerskates. Mary Lynn's hey-ho is my favorite sound effect I've ever had on this show.

And the weirdest thing about the sex is having to deal with the gap. Half commitment. I thought that was good. All right. Sorry. Taylor, so, okay, so Tinder, what was your first date like? We sat outside a parking lot because we were going to go to a coffee shop, and it closed because they're cash only. We went to go cash and they were closed by the time we came back.

Wait, what was cash only? The coffee shop. The transaction. Yeah, dude. Fuck. Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, cash only. Don't you hate when the coffee shop isn't as progressive as the date you're on?

How are you guys in the past still? So did you guys hook up on night one? Night two. Wow. It's hard to hook up on night one? Night two. Wow. It's hard to hook up in a parking lot. Night two, you brought the cash to the donut shop. Yeah. Was the parking lot just looking at each other's private parts?

Is that rude? No, it's not rude. You know, we should have known Trans when he said, I fucked someone outside in downtown LA. Yeah, that's true. You know, when there's a clue right in your face and you choose to ignore it. Are there parts of being with a trans male

that are sometimes just funny? Like, I mean, silly shit like, oh, your balls are hanging out like that or something like that? I can buy his penis. You can buy it? I can buy his penis. You can buy it? I can buy it. What does that mean?

I can pick one. How much is that penis in the window? Is there more expensive ones? Do they have like in like... Oh, they have nice ones that are like $200. Wow, what are those like? Are those gold or black? They're not like a strap-on.

They're a prosthetic. Like fix-a-flat? So what you're saying is your in-laws gave you the wrong gift card. Yes. Oh, fuck yeah. They got you a gift card to Outback instead of Bareback. So, wow. What's the value of the one that you use?

Do you rotate them out? How does that work? Yeah, that's a thing. You can rotate them out. Cleaning schedules. What are some of your favorite ones and why? Purple one. Purple one. We all love the purple one, right? Everybody that all right. I've gotten something purple and penis-like at Ross before.

Yeah. You know my favorite thing so far is like all the other comics in the room were like oh man this boring white guy he's gonna do like say two minutes then he's gonna get off stage then it's gonna be my chance to go up and then he was like so I'm dang and they're like fuck

Alright So what kind of dicks are there? Do you have like a Swiss Army Knife one? Do you have a Swiss Army knife one? Do you have one you can put lighter fluid in and then it has a lighter? They have one that heats up. Wait, do you think being trans just means you're Inspector Gadget? I've seen these things online. Where specifically?

We were doing research. Doing research? For a film project okay but so so wait what your favorite one you have a heat

there's one that heats up there's one that heats I can't afford the one that heats up what there's a fucking how hot does it get just use a curling iron that's

Brian Redband solutions yeah just put it on mild that has come up in conversation it's too hot did you say put just put it on mild. That has come up in conversation. It's too hot. Did you say put a curling iron on mild, Redband? Yeah.

Dude, we have gone nowhere with cancer research, but fake dick technology has just... How hot does it get? It's like fucking... It was in Celsius. I don't like fucking, it's in Celsius. I don't fucking know. It's in Celsius? Jesus Christ.

I wouldn't trust. What do you need, like a special outlet for it? That sounds like a fucking hazard. All right, Taylor. Enough with this shit that you shove up your butt. Have you ever dated a trans person before? Yeah, I've tried going on a date with a trans female person. It was more that

she couldn't speak English well. What does she speak? I got no problem with that. What was her language? I can handle the dick, but I can't handle the language barrier. What was the language barrier again? It was Filipino.

Oh, Filipino. Of course it was. Fuck yeah. Look at you, you little fucking... I just mentioned that the dick that is in Fahrenheit is just the worst Shark Tank proposal ever. All right, sharks. Listen, you ever have this problem where it's in Celsius and you don't know how to read it?

I'm out. All right, Taylor. Well, it was nice meeting you, man. Anything else that you want to say before you go? No, I'm good. All right, Taylor. Well, it was nice meeting you, man. Anything else that you want to say before you go? No, I'm good. All right, there he goes. Watch the show and come back, though. Yeah, come back again.

It was nice to meet you. I'm going to have my list of questions ready for you next time. I'm excited for you to come back. One more time for Taylor Avery, everyone. Come on. Sometimes it's a new person. Sometimes it's a Kill Tony legend. Last week, Ichabod came out of nowhere

out of his own coffin with entrance music and smoke and shit. Put your hands together for Keith Sizemore. His name sounds familiar. Who's Keith Sizemore? I don't see movement. I don't see movement. I don't see movement. Sounds like someone maybe stuck on the toilet, perhaps.

How about Daniel Vargas? Here we go. That sounds like a guy that wouldn't miss a spot. Here he comes. Beelining. These people have a long way to walk. I should start letting them sit in the back. Maybe.

Daniel Vargas, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, everybody? How we doing? Good, good, good. Tell you a little bit about myself. I'm Mexican and Irish. Which basically means I was built for alcoholism and minimum wage. about myself, I'm Mexican and Irish, which basically means I was built for alcoholism and minimum wage. I grew up with a single parent, my mom, she's the white side of my

family, I like to call them the feral white side of my family. I just recently found out my dad's name is Domingo, which means Sunday in Spanish. I guess my dad took God taking Sundays off a little literally and took every day off as my dad. I remember when I was a kid, I used to ask my mom, when's dad coming home? And she'd be like, Domingo? Not very good at manly shit. My car recently broke down. Called the AAA guy to get my car towed to the mechanic shop.

AAA guy was like, I know what's wrong with your car. And literally just kicked it with his boot and the car started broke down. Called the AAA guy to get my car towed to the mechanic shop. AAA guy was like, I know what's wrong with your car, and literally just kicked it with his boot, and the car started right up. There's nothing wrong with my car. I just need a real man to start it for me. Daniel Vargas, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. Daniel, is this your first time on the show?

Yes. Hell yeah. Welcome. How are you? I'm well. How are you? Good. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Six years. Wow. Where are you from? Rancho Cucamonga, California. Rancho Cucamonga, California. Oh, that's where the White House is, dude. I don't know if that's the right place, Jeremiah. Same place these guys are from, yeah.

How long have you been getting your style from the Ben Davis logo? Man, I wish I knew what that was. Hey, I've never seen a side fanny pack before. Which brings us to our favorite game, What's in Your Fanny Pack? Oh, shit. A Kill Tony Spectacular. Legend status.

We've found... Whoa! Hot sauce. Hot sauce is the first thing... An entire bottle for you podcast listeners. Hot sauce. I swear if he pulls a prosthetic dick out of there... What was that? It's a charger base.

Charger base? An entire glass bowl, ladies and gentlemen. He's got it. And the weed to go with it. This motherfucker is smoking hot sauce. Joel just took it. There it goes. Alright, what else? We want to know all the way down to the bare bones. We know you're showing us what you wanted

to show us first. At the end, Jeremiah is going to go through to see if you left anything out. We have a voice recorder. Some condoms. There it is. What kind of condom are we talking about here? That's a blue one. What's blue? What's the blue condom? I don't

fucking know. Don't tell me you don't know. Does anybody have tongs? Whoa, Mike Lawrence just goes straight in. He's sniffing it. That's Cool Ranch. Oh, it is it. Dude, that's not a condom. That's a microwave dinner, bro. Doesn't say on it. What's the blue? Blue is usually creamier.

I think that's it. Jesus, Red Bam. Why did I ask you? It expires in 2019, and they will. That's pretty soon. Isn't that like... That means you've had those for a while. I've had these for a minute. I've had sex, well, for like...

I've had them for a couple years. Those two condoms. I've had sex many times with them on me and not used them. You keep the fanny pack on? You should probably give a couple of those to the guy that's fucking ladyboys in downtown LA, by the way.

I got you, bro. I mean, you're not using them. They only have a fucking year left, bro. I know. 2019. That's another good question. How far away are condoms? Do they expire after you buy them? I thought it was like four or five years.

It depends. If you go on Amazon and get a 50-pack of them, a lot of times those are old. Come on. Trojans. Seriously. Does anybody know the answer to that? My parents do, and that's why I'm here. That's an easily Google-able thing. I know the answer. What, like a 30-pack?

Does that matter, the volume of condoms? Yeah, it's like 25 bucks for a 30-pack of Magn that matter, the volume of condoms? Yeah, it's like 25 bucks for like a 30-pack of Magnums. Jesus, we're finding out Joel goes through a lot of condoms. Oh, no, that was the old me. Guess who's still having condom sex with his girlfriend over there. No, no, no, that was before I won the X Games in 93. You won a three-pack. All right.

All right, let's wrap this condom talk up. Where are you from? Rancho Cucamonga. Okay, there's wrap this condom talk up. Where are you from? Rancho Cucamonga. Okay, there you go. Fuck yeah. All right. I'll keep it moving with them. I liked the blue condom talk.

Can we Google that, though? Can we find out what the blue... It's usually two years, but a lot of times they come in bulk to get rid of them. Is it ultra-sensitive? It is ultra-sensitive. There you go. That's what I thought. It's almost dick-skid condom.

Aww. It takes a while for the ultra-sensitive guys to admit that they have an ultra-. There you go. That's what I thought. It's almost dick skin condom. It takes a while for the ultra sensitive guys to admit that they have an ultra sensitive condom. Why does I got hot sauce in my bag sound like an awesome Beyonce lyric, but I got hot sauce in my fanny pack sound like the saddest thing I've ever heard? I feel like if you have hot sauce in a fanny pack, you have to have an almost expired condom close to that hot sauce. Yeah, like you should have opened with, I'm... I mean, I bought the hot sauce in the parking lot. You got what? I bought the hot sauce in the parking lot.

Like an hour ago. Yeah, you bought the hot sauce in the parking lot like an hour ago, and you bought the condoms in a 7-Eleven like nine years ago. What's your point? What is that? Hot sauce in the fanny pack is a better I'm half white, half Mexican joke than the one he told. Oh my God, you're a genius.

You're absolutely right. All right. So you've had a couple old condoms in your pocket. When's the last time you got laid? November. It's been a while. November.

How did the turkey feel about it? Did he give you thanks? I'll be gone till November is about his sex life. So who was the lucky lady? It was a co-worker. Wow. Where do you work?

I work at, well, I have a couple of jobs. I work at the Yard House in Pasadena, and I work at the Wiltern Theater and the Palladium Theaters. Oh. Which ones did you get laid at? I'd rather not say. But the balcony was closed. Section FF42 was The place has a really good Nashville hot chicken though

Yeah Wait what? Oh there we go Dude he's all about the yard house dude Fuck Anyway I hate that job so much What do you do there?

I serve tables Wow Yeah it's awesome right? Yeah you seem like you'd be miserable at it I'm so good at it, you guys. Oh my god, I'm phenomenal. If me, Mike, and Mary Lynn were sitting at a table waiting for a waiter, and you

were our waiter, in real life, can you show us how you would wait on us? You're going to make me do my server face right now, bro? Please don't make me. No, just seriously commit to it, Daniel. Alright, here we go. And action. Man, where the fuck is the waiter at at this joint? Hey, what's up, you guys? How are we doing today? Oh, hey. What's up?

My name's Daniel. I'll be taking care of you today. Would you guys like me to get you started off with maybe some guacamole or a classical fuck yourself? I mean, Jesus, can I have a fucking drink? Guacamole. What am I? I was wanting to have some unprotected sex. I was just kidding, man. I don't want to fucking do this. So basically what you're saying is your waiter voice is the

confidence you should have on stage. Yeah, exactly. It's dog shit. I have nothing. Oh my god. Mike Lawrence is exposing the truth. Ouch. This is how you sound on your leisurely activity. Yeah, so I wait tables

and just, you know, it's alright. I mean, I'm trying to talk over four fucking egos here Daniel where are my mozzarella sticks I get it What were you doing during your set You guys gave me the stage You guac'd a couple audience members

I might have yeah I don't know I'm not the best comic, but I tried. Daniel, what's the worst incident you ever had waiting tables at the art house in Pasadena? It seems like, I mean, I don't want to sound racist and this isn't racist, so it's not going to sound racist, but I already said I don't want to sound racist, so now it is going to seem racist.

There's a lot of Armenians in Pasadena. Now, that's not even a racist thing. All I'm saying is that there's a lot of Armenians in Pasadena. It sounds like I'm being a racist thing. All I'm saying is that there's a lot of Armenians in Pasadena. It sounds like I'm being racist. I'm not about to say anything other than that, but there you go. Now it's over the top. Do a lot of Armenians come into the Yardhouse?

Yeah, there's several Armenians that come in regularly. Yeah. How do you feel about them? I mean... You sound like my mom right now. It's an interesting thing. Our moms have no idea what Armenians are by the way. Ohio moms have no

idea. But when they come to visit they're like oh my god what is that? What is that thing that some of those people are? That's good tans. Honestly they're fucked up just like anybody else, man. People suck to serve on. Serve for.

I mean, if you're serving somebody, it sucks doing it. But it doesn't... I waited tables for a long time. Yeah, it sucks doing it. In Burbank when I first arrived to LA a long time ago. And I noticed, maybe I'm wrong here, and I only bring this up because you wait tables in Pasadena. I noticed that it hurts a little more

coming from an Armenian accent would you agree with me on that? would you agree with me that like, buddy buddy where's the breadstick? it hurts more than an English accent being like hey man, we ordered breadsticks, can we have some breadsticks? it's like, hey where

are the breadstick I ordered? I get called Habibi a lot, yeah. I'm asking you, though. Habibi, no, no, my friend. But I'm asking, before you do your silly accent, hold on. No, that's not the point. I'm asking you a real question. They just say one word things, one word orders. I know what they do, Daniel. I'm going to ask you a question.

Does it hurt more, do you feel, coming from that sound? No. It does to me. It does to me. It does to me. Why? It does. There was just something about it that really irked me.

Really? Yeah. It's not a thing about the race overall. Just being honest here. Look, I'm never going to clearly, I'm never going to work for a big network or anything like that, so I can say shit like this.

I've taken the podcast route. Do you think it sounds demeaning to you? Is that why? Like they're kind of talking down to you? It sounds, yeah, it sounds like they're like almost, yeah, definitely, exactly. In that way. Kind of like you are to me right now, right?

When I was waiting tables. Not in real life. It's like the father that wasn't there. What the fuck are you talking about? Look at Red Band taking a chance. Tony, you had an Armenian dad? Yes, I'm Armenian. It was me all along.

Tony Hitchcliffian? All right, this thing's off its tracks right now. Daniel, what's the weirdest thing you've ever done that you've never told anybody about? Shit. I don't know. Do you have any weird things that you do on a daily basis? I tell everybody about the weird shit that I do. I don't know. Like what any weird things that you do on a day to day basis? I tell everybody about the weird shit that I do

I don't know Like what? What's the weirdest thing? I blacked out once I went to a comedy club Drove home Is that tonight? No

I woke up the next day and I found a set of car keys in my passenger seat and I had no idea who the fucks they were Why do you seem 15 years older than you actually are? I know

I don't know I'm going to take a guess. 27. No, but close. Okay. 32. Getting there. 30. Jesus.

And you seem 45. I was right. You seem so defeated by life. Old enough to not have to wear a fanny pack and carry condoms and hot stuff. Frankenstein just called. He wants his boots back. These are actually my work boots. I came from work.

The one thing I want in the fanny pack that's never there is a second chance. We're going to send you packing right now. There he goes. Daniel Vargas. He's on Twitter at VargasDaniel87. Taylor Avery didn't leave a Twitter. Fuck yeah. You guys having fun out there?

I pulled another name out of the bucket, and that bucket is Subra Doyle. Subra Doyle? Here we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Put your hands together for Subra Doyle, everyone. Hey, guys. How are we doing tonight? So, recently in my life, I decided to transition. It took a lot to do that, but I feel really good about it.

Decided to see a doctor because, you know, I wanted to do it in a legitimate way. And my doctor requested that I should start having a vegan diet. And it's working great. My balls have already shriveled off. So I'm eating a lot of kale lately, and it's been great. Essentially, my pubes have been replaced completely by kale. And, you know, it just kind of makes things look nicer down there. The only thing I'm going to miss is my beard, because it's really great at hiding the ugly. But, you know, overall, it's really good.

My doctor is recommending for me to eat a lot more tofu. And, you know, I really noticed that it's kind of giving me a little bit more tofu tatas. And it's really been a wonderful transition so far. Very much looking forward to. Thank you. Wow. Super Doyle. Am I saying that right?

You did Is that true? You're really in transition? No, not at all I'm making fun of myself for being vegan For a while there I thought your dick was going to be Gone Lennon It's a joke about his glasses You podcast listeners don't know he has wrong glasses

Imagine all the people that would have laughed at that. Imagine all the people. By the way, love supersize me. I'm a huge fan. Thank you. It's nice to see you back on stage

after jerking off in front of women. That was... He looks like Louis a little bit, maybe. Louis C. Kale. Yeah. Alright. Thank you, Mike. Everybody else let me hang in. I'm his bastard

cousin, Louis C. Kale. Very unlucky Louis. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. You seem like a funny person that never says anything funny. Like, you came up, I was like I like this guy, but it was just I was waiting for something and it never happened, but

the fact that I think it will is impressive. It's true. You remind me of a version of David Letterman when he was 35 if he got hit in the head with an aluminum baseball bat. I like this first joke. The shivering up the

balls kale joke. Me too, it's funny. Hey, I'll take it. Thank you. Redman with a little love and reassurance. No, I mean, he didn't do too bad. We're just having fun. It's a pleasure to be here. We're being a nice Elon Musk side piece. We're doing alright. I thought a lot of it was

okay. I agree with you. That coat is gay as fuck though. Whoa, Jesus. Wow, not quite the roast writer over here, Brian Redband. Tony. Wow. Which one of us is in the writer's guild? I almost forget.

Hey, that jacket, gay. Crystal. And I was after defending him. Tony. G-H-A-Y, by the way. I was after defending him. Tony. G-H-A-Y, by the way. I was going to say, judging by the jacket you're wearing, the condoms you wear are lambskins. Accurate. Do you think this guy uses condoms?

Yeah. Looks more like he wears human skins. Where are you from? Too many places to count Alright, well why don't we start with one of them Dude, try me What are you, a fucking MySpace profile? Were you going to recommend me Fight Club, you human fucking cliche?

Have you heard of the Decemberist? I was born in Germany, Saudi Arabia, New York, Tennessee, Arizona That's just high school Then I did college in San Francisco Bay Area Spent my 20s in India and recently moved to LA in September. That's totally believable. I mean, you really look like

it looks like your entire look was built in the last few places you've been. San Francisco and India. You truly look like a guy that's just spent a lot of time in both of those places. It's true. You meditate a lot? I do. How often? Every day. Wow. I recorded an time in both of those places. It's true. You meditate a lot? I do. How often?

Every day. Wow. I recorded an album in India, actually, last year. You recorded what kind of an album? Like a conscious... Okay, what's it called? Where can we find it? It's called Fire for Freedom. And if you look on Spotify...

His first single was called Informa. Fire for Freedom? Fire for Freedom. F-I-R-E-F-O-R-F-R-E. Yeah, and Subramanya is my actual, that's my name. I just go by Subra for short. Do you have a mantra or a word that you repeat while you meditate? It's all about silence, truly.

Like to yourself, though. Because whenever I meditate, oh shit, no way. I meditate... Oh, shit. No way. Jeremiah left. This is you. Yeah, this is me. It's San Francisco, right? It's very hippie.

This is your thing. This is what you're into. This is my thing, yeah. Truly. Man, was I right about you. I asked him if he meditated. Another first. Dude, I like this is my first time doing comedy. I've never done comedy in my life. I just decided yesterday to do this. I fucking love it. Look at you and your

free spirit. Yeah! Seems like it. Look at you, risk taker. What else do you do for fun and like other things? Let me stop for a second.

What made you want to do this? Oh my God, you just have a dream catcher hanging out of your pocket. Wow.

Hold on, hold on. Let me guess. I've got my pick holders. Subra, shut the fuck up. That must be for

what? When your leg falls asleep? Son of a bitch and bastard. I feel like that's his condom. It's a cum catcher. Is your set in there?

Because it felt like a nightmare. It's fair. It's fair. Did you hear that? Fucking Joelberg chants out of nowhere. I tell the joke or I become the joke, but either way, it's a win. All right, Subaru, just slow it down.

I don't need any of your fucking bumper stickers, all right? No one's buying a goddamn button after the show. All right. Go back to your day job of ruining black people's neighborhoods. I wish I could afford that. And Mexicans. What are some other, now back to my original question, like what made you, you know?

So my good friend Nick, he invited me, he actually told me about this podcast and this whole thing going on, and I think this is my third time coming, and I've just kind of fell in love with this comedy club and this whole show. I think it's brilliant. It's kind of a twisted, fucked up version of American Idol.

I love it. So, Subra, let me ask you this. What are some other free-spirited things that you've done lately in your life and things like that? I can't imagine anything worse for a podcast than a pogo stick in the background, by the way, guys. I mean, sometimes it makes me wonder if you really think of the format that we make this show in. And now we're just playing fish for no reason. All right, good. I feel like his name is Subaru because his parents conceived him in a Subaru and they only wanted to kind of hide it. Accurate.

So what are some other fun things you've done lately? I mean, just yesterday I was talking about a friend And moving to Thailand And I'm starting an art business You look like if we made out Your breath would taste like curry You want to try it? We made curry today actually

You want to make out with Pat? No Not at all How fucking dare you It really is like if Ned Flanders became a Buddhist. I believe in a Buddha-ly doodly. Oh, my God. Netflix Flanders.

Oh, that's good. He looks like if he played Two Truths, One Lie, he'd say, I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm not gay. Looks like he's a patron saint of substitute art teachers. How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Mr. Owl, 108. That is a really good reference. He's like, I don't know, but I can tell you how many licks it takes to get to the center of the universe. Truly.

Subra, you ever do like ayahuasca or anything like that? No, I have not. Have you ever done any hallucinogens? Yeah, there's just there's a time where... It's like you went back into it for a second. It's like I sent you back. Do you ever hang out with Macklemore so he can look hood by comparison?

No, but he can hire me if he's listening. He won't. Taking applications. So what else? I mean, I've done mushrooms that got locked into UC Berkeley Botanical Gardens. Wait, what? Damn, that is the most hippie-ass shit I've ever heard. Dude, man, you ever do mushrooms and lock yourself inside a Berkeley?

It was a good time. It was a good time. Trying to navigate my way over the fence was great. How did you lock yourself in? So I was doing my trip in the afternoon, and I decided to zen out, and I opened my eyes, and it's like complete darkness,

and I stumbled around and realized I was completely locked in, that I was the only one there. So I had to climb over a shed to get onto the roof to climb over a fence to stumble my way back down to the university. I'd love to know what really happened. He just thinks that that happened, but he was tripping so hard. He was at his apartment the entire time.

All right, Subra. Anything else? When you were in India, anything crazy happen there? Did you make love to anyone? I did. You did? What was that like? Yeah, her name is Shredda.

I bet it was. Yeah, it was cool. We met at like a curry cafe. Oh, curry cafe. What was her name? Shredda. That's just called McDonald's there. Was it Shredda?

Was she with Beboppa and Rocksteadda? The curry cafe and you hooked up with an Indian chick. That's like hooking up with a black girl and it's like, oh, where'd you guys meet? The chicken place? Popeye's, man. It was Popeye's. I started playing a flute and she came out of a basket and then we fell in love.

You're a real snake charmer. Truly. It was yoga fire. When you shot your load, did you make it on the red dot on her forehead? I'm asking the questions everybody really wants to ask. Again, this is an

R-rated show. If kids are watching, then you have bad parents, kids. Oh my god. That joke brought to you by ZipRecruiter, bro. Why do you do that? Oh my god. Jeremiah, you are a train wreck. Just for no reason.

He's just a dangerous person to work with. That's not the part where you would drop that, Jeremiah. But did you make it on the dot? No, I did not. Jesus Christ. What's happening? We have a live wire out there. Who was that?

Is that Chris Pontius? My fucking homie from Jackass? Are you kidding me? Dude, do you see he has a hand tattoo? Make some noise for the great Chris Pontius is here joining our favorite Jackass booth. I believe it's his first time at the show.

I'm a big fan, sir. Do you see his hand tattoo just says breath? Wow. Is that to remind you? It's a mindfulness reminder, yeah. Wow. To breathe? To breathe with awareness, you know? Oh, you're fucked, dude. I'm Ginger Lennon, dude.

Aren't you afraid sometimes that you're just thinking about breathing while you're breathing, while your whole life passes you by? Well, the whole point is to bring awareness to your life so it doesn't pass you by. bring awareness to your life so it doesn't pass you by. But if all that you're doing is being aware about being aware, then isn't it still passing you by? It's savoring, man.

You've been out-intellected, bro. Just take it, Tony. Come on, Tony. Let's put it this way. I feel way more alive when I'm in my senses as opposed to in my head about things. It's simple. Say that again. You're clapping.

You don't even know what the fuck he said. Shut up. That's the type of person that just likes shit on Facebook without even reading it. Is that boner? Does that apply to when you're blacked out in the botanical gardens? You know, I had to go through my dark night of the soul

to get here. Were you like this in high school? What's that, what? Were you like this in high school? What's that, what? Were you like this in high school? I feel like you were like a Green Bay Packers fan. Yeah. No, I'm not. You were like a wrestling team.

I was very much like this. I had a coat very similar to this, but it had an Alex Gray painting on the back. Oh, jeez. Does your mother know you left the house tonight? Sure. A bully had a dream catcher and then you showed up and it was like I guess this does work they must have run out of shit by like

sophomore year super did I ask you what you do for a living I'm a visual artist and musician does that mean you have a trust fund that pays for your awareness no not at all I'm actually like does your trust fund trust fund that pays for your awareness? No, not at all. I'm actually like... Does your trust fund help with your sensitivity to your awareness?

I was disowned at 18, so... Pardon me? I was disowned at 18. Ouch. Dude, we're all disowned at 18, you motherfucker. Wow, that's your sad story. Holy shit. Did you guys all just hear that?

I was kicked out. Is it sad if I'm rooting for the parents? I'm not surprised. I've never in my fucking life heard anything like that. I was disowned at 18. Only two credit cards. Do you have any idea how crazy that sounds? What do you mean?

They told you that you had to go live on your own? I was, what? I was kicked out at 17, actually. Yeah, man. I had to have plans. My mom's like, here's the fucking date, dude. Come home for Thanksgiving and stuff. Get out.

Go live with your girlfriend. Totally. So I just told my son yesterday, what was he getting? No, he's just one with himself. Why did they disown you? I mean I changed my name legally Went to India, all that stuff Where were you before? Ethan? Edgar?

My birth name is Corey But now it's Moonrock. It's, yeah. Wait, so what is your full name now? My legal name is Subramanya. Subramanya Nithya. But I like that you got to choose the name and still were like, it's Subra for short. Just get one where you don't have to do the for short part.

The name was given to me when I was living in India. Do you know Cat Stevens? He's my man. I love Cat Stevens. I bet you do. Yeah. I want to hear you say your name again. How do you say your name?

I mean, I just go by Supra because it's shorter and easier. The whole thing. Supra Mania. Nintendo. All right. Jesus Christ. Supra Mania just sounds like an off-brand Indian Superman. Like, it's a bird. It's a plane, it's Subra Mania.

And that's what I use for my artist name. Like, on my album, you'll see. Like, that's, you know, that's my... Wow. All right. How much... You can find it on modestyagoo.com. All right.

My God. Am I too spicy for you, Tony? No. How many pounds of granola do you eat a day? It's more like pounds of curry. There you go. I've transcended granola. Are you wearing Vans because you live in one?

I feel like he lives in that other guy's fanny pack. How do you think I got here? Subra, if I can call you Subra. I'm going to tell you something. You've been up here laughing at us, making fun of you, getting it all picked apart. And for you to have just thought

of coming down here and signing up yesterday after seeing the show a couple times and laughing about something like this is fucking awesome. And it's part of what it's about is being able to come here with a day's notice and try something like this is fucking awesome and it's part of what it's about is being able to come here with a day's notice and

try something. At least you tried and it's fucking awesome. So thanks for being such a cool dude and coming on. There he is. Super Doyle. On to the next one. He's super, super aware. He left a crystal on the stage for us.

I feel more awoke, dude. It's patrolling, man. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and this name is Matty Hanson. Here we go. Maddie Hanson, everyone. I love trans women.

I like running into them in the bathroom, you know? Like, they're so uplifting and complimentary, and that's proof enough for me that they're not men anymore, you know? I don't need any, like, science or anything. It's like, I believe you, you know? I'm trying to become a substitute teacher, but I'm afraid no one's going to hire me because, like, I don't not look like someone that has sex with seventh graders, you know?

Which is disgusting, you know? Like, I don't like short men. I have standards, you know? I wish I was more woke, you know? Like, I wish I was like, I like Persian people, too. Yikes. Can't get used to them. Oh, wow, I guess they're here.

Fuck yeah. Maddie Hanson. In a very, very, very special, very trans-Kill Tony episode we're having. Very trans. Give it up for Tommy Lauren. Thank you. Thank you. So, how's it going, Maddie Hanson? You've been on the show a couple times before, right?

Yeah, this is my third time. Yeah, what have we found out about you or learned about you? What do we normally talk about? I know normally I call you, I probably tell you you're one of the funniest Fox News correspondents we've ever had on the show. We went over that, yeah. I think it every time I see you. No, it's nice. I like that.

Hey, Tony, can I just like address the elephant in the room? This chick is ugly dude right I mean like It was hard to even focus on her Because she's so gnar looking right He's making a joke because he's That's very nice She knows You did that Persian joke on this show before, right?

Oh, I don't. Did I? I don't know. I don't remember. I think you did, actually. Maybe? Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up, Maddie?

I still don't like them. I've been doing it almost two years. Why do you not like Persians? What do you do for work again? She does real estate. No, I got fired. I don't do it anymore. She works at the yard house work again? She does real estate. No, I got fired. She works at the yard house. She got fired from real estate.

I started disliking them when I worked in high-end retail. In Beverly Hills, I just had to deal with them all the time. That's when it started. What is it that you don't like about them? Everything. Oh, Jesus. you don't like about them? Everything. Oh, Jesus. No, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't like them because they're a rich minority. That is so honest. That's unbelievable. Wow. I think we can all You know I think that's why You have to add that

Will you add that To that joke That you do Every time you get A 60 chance To do a 60 second I just imagine you Watching Aladdin

As a kid And going These fucking assholes They're Saudi But yeah Throw them in Where's my genie I think everyone

Can unite around Not liking them And Armenians It's like the same they all have like Mercedes Benz much like hair we covered Persians and Armenians earlier okay

Maddie what else do you do what do you do for fun kill Persians too kill Persian people. I don't know. I'm busy. Did your parents just own the last guy? Right now, I don't know.

I'm busy right now. I'm moving. I got fired from my job. You got fired from the real estate job? Your boss is Persian? No. Hold on. Wait.

Did you just say you're a substitute teacher? Well, I'm trying to become one. I just took like the C-Best test. Wow, the C-Best. Whoa, fantasy come true. I know, right? Yes, taking the C-Best has been one of Jeremiah's dreams for a long time. How do you think you did on the C-Best?

Bad on the math. What? I don't believe it. You're a substitute. Don't you just have to pretend to know it? Yeah, they don't do much. I don't know. I psych myself out a little bit.

I can't believe there's math on the test. The test should just be walking into a room and putting on a video. Right. When I was a math on the test. The test should just be walking into a room and putting on a video. Right. When I was a kid, the test was, do you know what the rewind button is? Yeah, you don't really do much. What kind of class are you trying to substitute teach? Is it for elementary?

I would probably want to do middle school. I would want to do history. I was a history. Do you do phys ed? I have a degree in history. Phys ed. No, not phys ed. All right. No. Why would you want in history. Phys Ed. No, not Phys Ed. No.

Why would you want her to be the Phys Ed teacher, Brian? You're one of the grossest human beings. Sometimes you don't even have to say anything to be like a creepier version of Harvey Weinstein. What you're able to do with just your mind. Think about it, though. Shut up. It's not even like normal misogyny. It's like cartoon

wolf misogyny. Yeah. Or like ceramics. So, Maddie, history teacher. This is a fun thing. Why don't you give us an example of if you were going to teach us a short little history thing that you know,

and we were all your students. Go ahead. Welcome to Hot for Teacher. I don't know. Wow, worst substitute teacher ever. Opening words, class. I don't know. Boo, fuck you.

The Armenian Genocide took place in the 1800s. But we should continue it. We should continue it. But the second one is going to take place next year when me and my friends... And it's including everyone. All right, Maddie, I'll give you another shot at it. Come on, give us a little history lesson. Come on, you can do it. Stay in the pocket, Maddie, I'll give you another shot at it. Come on, give us a little history lesson. You can do it.

Stay in the pocket, Maddie. I believe in you. Pretend like there's no Persians in the room. This is so hard. It's impossible. I mean, I can tell you what I'm passionate about. Go ahead. Racism?

Racism. Close. What else? I don't like this. I like a backwoods culture. Backwoods culture? Like what? I like the origination of it.

The Scotch-Irish came, and they were pushed by the English settlers into the backwoods of Tennessee and West Virginia. And then they were kind of the barrier between the American Indians and the English settlers. She's like, I'm just a fan of white history. Yeah. American Indians are cool.

They're a good minority. I like them. So how have you been... It's good that you want to be around children and have a... Your influence is important. I think so, too. That's what I was thinking.

You don't understand when there's separate bathrooms, more people get to go to the bathroom at the same time. It's true. Welcome to my class, green grasses and flat asses. Right. I said it. I don't care.

Holy shit. Wow. That was powerful. I would love to invite you to the Ice House for a death squat show Friday. Oh, my God. You are a horrible human being. You are a bad human. That's a bad example of how show business works.

She's the first person here with real jokes. You're like, how could I treat her not like a person? I think she's funny. Thanks, Brian. She was, but then you were like, she should funny. Thanks, Brian. She was, but then you were like, she should be a phys ed teacher. Ass to ass. I'm like, why?

Why should she be a phys ed teacher? Hoppity, hoppity, hoppity, hoppity, hoppity, hoppity, hoppity, hoppity. You know. Fine, never mind. No, I would like, is that. No, I would like... Is that a real offer? I would like that.

How many cousins are you away from the Trump family? Oh. Anyway. Yeah, I mean, I... Maddie, anything else crazy that you ever do for fun or into or anything crazy happen lately in life? Not... I mean, I used to play the trombone for 15 years.

I have a banjo. I can't play it well. Have you ever fucked a black guy? No. Wow, did you see how quick that no was? Holy shit, he wasn't even done with it. Have you ever fucked a black guy? No.

Wow. You're something else. I mean, everyone plays the trombone, but who fucks a black guy? God damn it. That's incredible. Even I've fucked a black guy. Wow. She's like, I was just trying to take jazz back to its rightful owners.

Wow. Maddie, are you currently in a relationship? No. No? How long have you been single for? Seven years. Wow. Maddie, are you currently in a relationship? No. How long have you been single for? Seven years. That's impressive. She just can't find Mr. White. Boom!

Mike Lawrence. There she goes, Maddie Hanson. We're not going to top that. All right. Maddie Hanson. Okay, let's do something a little fun, shall we? You guys like

special treats? We've had this young lady on this show before. You know her as a of course a guest on this show and of course as one of the most famous porn stars in the history of the world. Put your hands together for new 60 seconds of comedy from

Missy Martinez. Hey, kids. Alright, so I've been in porn nine years. Oh, Jesus Christ. So I've been in porn nine years, so I'm in the MILF category now, which means I have the body of a woman who recently gave birth.

It's just like a mudslide. But I realized I've been in porn so long, I should probably, you know, do something else. And it's not just because my vagina looks like a twice-baked potato. So I was thinking, how about, you know, sex is physical, sex is active. How about MMA or UFC fighting? And then I realized every time I'm put in a, you know, a chokehold, I squirt. And then I was thinking, how about, you know, volunteering? I have a big heart beneath these, you know, heaving implants, you know, so what about, you know, volunteering at a suicide hotline? You know, just life is, life is getting so hard. Oh yeah, How hard is it? So that wouldn't work. And then I was thinking about getting into politics. I mean, most of my dresses already

have semen stains on them. But I know people are going to be like, you know, Missy, what are your stances on the issues? What are your positions? Well, reverse cowgirl, obviously. Thank you, guys. There you go, Missy Martinez. Fuck yeah.

Always fun. thank you guys there you go Missy Martinez fuck yeah always fun that set was so good Bry now has three reasons to book her on Friday would you like to come to the ice house from behind oh my god gross you've been on the show what four times five times

no like 14 she's done pretty well every time but every time she goes it's my first You've been on the show, what, four times? Five times? No, no, no, like 14. 14? Wow, Jesus. And she's done pretty well every time. But every time she goes, it's my first time. I've never done this before. I know I've told you this before, but it's always amazing how you do a new 60 Seconds

and talk about your real life and everything and shit that you've done and been through, and it's all real shit. It's incredible. I think you should... Do you ever perform at, like, the porn... your real life and everything and shit that you've done and been through and it's all real shit. It's incredible. Do you ever perform at the porn, what's the thing that you always go to? AVN? I already have herpes, so no.

Is that a thing though where you could probably do shows there for those people? I believe Kate Quigley, she performed there and they have some other, like the Naughty Show will go there with Sound Tripoli. But I actually asked this year. Really?

No. I think you would fucking destroy it. Yeah, you should totally do that. Sam's stupid for not doing that. You know what might be a good idea? You should string together some of your favorite minute sets and just fucking send it to them, and they'll be like, oh, we're idiots.

You would do to that audience what we've seen done to you for so long. Yeah. It's still in my hair. What else has been going on in real life? I've actually been writing, not just comedy, but I've been writing for a pornographic magazine publication. Oh, that's great. Can you say the one?

Hustler. Wow, I was just going to say, if I can, I re-watched literally yesterday The People vs. Larry Flint. It is unbelievable how great that fucking movie is. Do yourself, I'm sure all of you have seen it, but if you haven't, fucking re-watch it. I guess an upcoming issue,

she talks about Kill Tony on there. What? Yeah, I mentioned Brian Redband and Tony Hinchkin. Wow, and Larry Flint, also from Ohio, like us. That's right. That's fucking awesome. When you say that you're writing

the... What are you writing in the articles? I'm writing op-ed pieces. I haven't been skull-fucked so badly, so things still work up here. You've never gotten a concussion? No, not a concussion, no. But if she tries to sit on a stool

she goes right to the ground. Yeah. My asshole's being held in with a chip clip as we speak. When she said that she'd been in porn nine years, I was like, do porn stars have rings around their butt like trees where you know how many years they've been in it? Yes, mostly bruises.

Yeah. Well, that's cool. You've been writing. What do you do for fun? I watch Korean and Japanese revenge films. Whoa. Yeah. I'm weird.

What else? Does cocaine count? Jesus. Yeah. Wow. I'm weird. What else? Does cocaine count? Jesus. Hello. No, but mostly I just stay at home, drink wine. Wow. Yeah, I really do nothing, you know, but I'm not being penetrated by tentacle monsters.

Fuck yeah. Yeah. Same, bro. Right? He gets it. Did you get into comedy so people would finally pay to see what you do? Yeah. Well, it's weird to see things come out of my mouth.

But she's on Kill Tony, so again, she's still just giving it away for free. She just can't help herself. This is Comedy Hub. Comedy Hub, yeah. Fuck, yeah. You've been downloaded and uploaded. You ever do DP? Double punchline?

Yes. Yes and yes. Have you ever done, I listened to this documentary about like there's customized porn, like fetish porn. Do you ever do that? Where it's like rich people will just pay porn stars to act out

their weird fucking script yeah is that true there's just there's just rich guys like i can only come if you're eating an ice cream sandwich there was well the thing i listened to this guy had people like porn stars burn his stamp collection and that's the only thing you get hard to no, you fucking bitch. Yes, no. No, my stamps. Fuck yeah, no. Oh, God, no, yes. What's the weirdest one? There's this guy. The ice cream sandwich guy.

In Germany, obviously. He's in Germany. He wants to watch you eat food, throw it up, and then rub it on your armpits. Nothing sexual. But he gives you a spot at the ice house. I am from Germany. My name is not Brian Redband.

I know I cannot show my face on this video that I'm sending you, but if you could please puke and rub it on your armpit. I'm all the way from Germany. Not Brian Redband. I'm all the way from Germany, not Brian Redman. I have a question. That last girl's like,

that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard a German do to somebody. Ironic that a Holocaust joke would be a slow burn, but there you go. Fuck yeah, Missy Martinez. Well, thank you. I've got a question for Missy.

Have you ever made a Capri Sun squirt? I have made everything squirt. She's made Capri daughters squirt. She's made a can of squirt squirt. Tastes like 7-Up. Capri Stepson. Is squirt pee? Yes, it is. It's all. Tastes like 7-Up. Capri Stepson. Is squirt pee?

Yes, it is. It's all pee, right? Squirt is pee, ladies and gentlemen. No, it just has parts of pee in it. There's two different things. We're going to settle this right here and now. We'll have a taste test sometime, and you tell me. At the ice house.

Swear to God, man, if you think it's pee, we'll have a taste test. Yeah, we'll have a taste test. Yeah, we'll have a taste test. I'll drink the piss and the piss. Just collect it on a trash bag. This is your way of drinking people's piss. This Friday, more like piss-a-dina. This is coming from a guy who thinks a curling iron has a mild setting.

Damn straight. Oh, fuck. But in porn, when you watch porn and you see it shoot out, that is actually pee. If it comes out of the vaginal canal, then that is squirt. But when you see it theatrical... That's what I'm talking about. That's pee. Bellagio. But squirting is...

Okay, how'd your mic get so loud all of a sudden? Jesus fucking Christ. You're so obvious. I did not touch it. I thought I heard a pussy joke. I did. I did. All right, Missy, we're going to keep moving on.

Thank you so much. Another very fun appearance by legend, Kill Tony icon, Missy Martinez. She's on Missy Martinez. Missy X Martinez on Twitter. There you go. Should we go back to the bucket or another special treat? Back to the bucket? Let's go back to the bucket and then a special treat, shall we?

And then we'll go back to the bucket again after that. Who gives a fuck? Let's have some fun tonight. Anyway. Oh, we've had this guy on before. Let's see what he's up to tonight. Anyway. Oh, we've had this guy on before. Let's see what he's up to tonight. Put your hands together. It's been quite a while. Taylor

Rizzo, everyone. Taylor Rizzo. All right. Oh, I'm not fat. I'm not a fat guy. Taylor Rizzo. All right. So I was having kind of a heavy conversation with a buddy of mine the other day, and he's also a white guy. And we were talking about, like, for me, like, I'm a white guy from the south. So, like, if I had been born 200 years ago, I probably would have grown up

owning slaves with my family. Like that could have been my life 200 years ago. And it's just so crazy to think about because my life is so different than that now, you know, obviously. But like as we were talking about that, this lady that was sitting behind us just kind of like rudely chimed in, and she was like, excuse me, boys, I just want you two to know that even if it was 200 years ago, I wouldn't own any slaves. I was just like, ma'am, if it was 200 years ago, I could legally smack you in the mouth for talking out of turn. Like, you are not a white man.

Don't act like you're part of this conversation. And don't get me wrong, like, I'm all for gender equality now, but sorry, guys. Sure. Taylor Rizzo. That was way longer than I thought. What? That was a way longer bit than I thought.

It felt even longer than you can ever imagine. Yeah, I'm so sorry. You have no idea. 12 years of premise. It's incredible. That is a problem of mine, long setups. And it's not great for this style of show. You still have not shaved that moon pie of a beard that you have.

I feel like we should get reparations for that joke. I'll give you 60 seconds back if you'd like. I think that joke was really progressive. Yeah. I just didn't get it out. What do you mean? I didn't get the joke out. Okay. I don't think that's it.

Well, and you stumbled on the word slavery, which is not going to gain you points with Maddie Hanson, let me tell you. Right. She says that word in her sleep. Literally. It's her slave word.

Taylor, what do you do again for work? I do interior design for Urban Outfitters. Interior design for Urban Outfitters. Do you decide what happens or you just put it up? Depends. They give us general ideas sometimes,

and then we have to change them to apply to specific stores. Wow. You are neither urban nor an outfitter. How does that... He's always on our good friend Doug Benson's podcast getting Doug with high. Yeah, I'm on every episode now.

That's great. I'm the dab guy on there. The dab master. It's pretty crazy. You go on the show. I've seen you on there. I've done the show with you on there

and you go on the show and you do a dab and that's it. That's true. What a job. It's pretty crazy. I always say don't smoke bowls, skate bowls. When you're just dabbing like that,

no one knows you have all that burning slavery material waiting to be let out. I know. I just need one minute, but it didn't work. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five years. You do it a lot? Yeah. Tony, I'm kind of curious, years. You do it a lot? Yeah.

Tony, I'm kind of curious, what is the rest of the joke? Yeah, you know what? I mean, we gave you all that. Can I do the joke? Yeah, go ahead, finish it. Start it where you ended it. Oh, jeez, I don't even remember where I ended it. It was blibbity-blop, slave, blibbity-blop.

200 years ago. That's actually the act out in the second part. Hitting women, ha ha ha. Slapping women, ha ha ha. Then right after that, transitions into... I mean, there's only one other line after that. I just didn't get to... Yeah, I just fucked up the setup.

What was the line that was going to save the day? Or should I say slave the day? It's just that it's 200 years ago. Girls don't get to own slaves. You barely get to own opinions. It's a setup that a girl is being rude. Wait, let's hear him out for a second. A slow clap.

Dab it out, dab it out. Wow. What's going on here? Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. I don't know what's happening. Taylor, how's your life offstage going? It's pretty all right. I just got a promotion, so I'm at a new store now.

What are you taking, two dabs now? You got a promotion, so you're at a new Urban Outfitters? Yeah, yeah. Which one are you at? The one on Coanga. The what? The one on Coanga between Sunset and Hollywood. Oh, I don't know the exact location, so I was just curious.

It's near Amoeba. It's in Hollywood. Yeah, it's right by my house, so now I get to walk to work, which is great. So you can go on Chris Brown's Instagram, catch up? I don't know what that means. You should joke about hitting women. Okay. I get it now.

You smoke a lot of pot, right? Yeah, I smoke every day. Yeah. And you're basically moving mannequins around at Urban Outfitters, right? No, I'm doing carpentry. I'm building pretty serious. Very serious. I mean, I basically build small houses sometimes inside the store.

You build small houses inside the store. There's some pretty intricate shit that I have to build. Yeah, it's not just moving mannequins. Do you ever put the darker skin mannequins in the back? Oh. We don't have darker skin mannequins. You don't? Wow, what a closed-minded place.

Maddie Hansen's going to Urban Outfitters right now. Well, Taylor, what else goes on in your life? You dress like you're going to kill somebody eventually. You have the classic look. All right. The keys on the outside. Where do your keys go to? Does that ever rack your balls when you're going upstairs?

I mean, that is, by the way. Yeah, for the podcast listeners, the keychain is not on the side. It is pretty much, you know, just trying to unlock the old combo. You know what I mean? It's got the old fucking. I mean, you said I smoke a lot of pot, and I do, and I lose my keys. And so this is a way to never lose them. Why not the sides so you're not hitting your dick and shit?

I mean, it doesn't really hit my dick. Oh, never mind. Who is that a picture of on the keys? Good question. That's Sting from NWO Wrestling. Oh, man. It's so sad when I'm like, this fucking loser. And now I'm like, I relate to him so much.

Sting. Hey, Taylor, has anyone ever told you you have a nice ass? Yeah, a few guys and a girl or two Well I'd like to join that group What the fuck He's got a nice butt sorry moving on You made fun of the other girl's butt For having a flat ass and then you complimented me

I like yours better moving on Back to you in the studio Tony Thank you very much Joel Jimenez on the field Uh Taylor Dude Joel that was kinda gay dude It totally was Dude I live life on the field. Taylor. Joel, that was kind of gay, dude. It totally was. Dude, I live life on the edge, dude. Taylor, so what do you do for fun

when you're not doing stand-up? Civil war reenactment. No, I like to go to... Guess which side, I guarantee. I go to theme parks a lot. I like roller coasters. Yeah? What theme parks do you go to?

Whites only. Six Flags the most, just because it's very cheap. Six Confederate Flags. That's the Confederate Flag is actually one of the Six Flags. That's a real thing. They changed it, actually. Really? Recently?

Yeah. Oh, well, that was a thing. Because it started in Texas, and one of the flags was the Rebel Flag. Brian's question from earlier. Why are you so committed to this beard? You're what? You're an Italian kid, right? Yeah.

Italian. Yeah, Sicilian. And for some reason, you're doing that. Why is it? Just laziness. I just don't like shaving. I have to shave every day. Dude, it takes a second.

I could shave that in a second. I've been shaving since the seventh grade. Yeah, but you just get it. And in high school, I had to be clean shaven every day. I like your beard, Mike. I'm not saying I'm anti-beards. I like your beard. I cannot.

Sometimes you don't want to have a personality. It's great. I like it. I like Mike Lawrence's beard. But you don't like my beard? There's something about yours. Because it seems like you sort of take care of it. I mean, I brush it and I wash it when I take a shower.

And that's about as much as. My beard is asking his beard when it wants to go see Shape of it. I brush it and I wash it when I take a shower. And that's about as much as... My beard is asking his beard when it wants to go see Shape of Water. Mike's beard is aggressive. I'd be afraid to touch it. But your beard seems too taken care of. No, I don't want to touch yours,

but it seems too taken care of. I literally just brush it and that's it. It's just naturally perfect. I don't want to touch yours, but it seems like too taken care of. I mean, I literally just brush it, and that's it. It's just naturally perfect. I don't know what that means. Perfect for an Amish person or something like that. Whoa, Amish person. From the man that brought you your jacket's gay. No, I mean, that's the...

For the audio listeners, that's the style of the beard. No, it's true. It's an Amish beard, or like a half moon. Well, it really looks like... It might be Amish. That was not an electric performance. I mean, let's be honest. Yeah, it wasn't great.

Taylor, what's the most fun thing that's happened to you in your entire life? Anything cool or anything exciting ever? You ever do anything other than an amusement park? I don't know you ever go like on a hot air balloon ride

and your dad gave you like unlimited suckers for a day we used to have like fucking comics like Richard Pryor did cocaine and fuck Marlon Brando and now they're all this guy I go to Six Flags that's it

the whole answer fuck yeah Taylor well I'll tell you this I go to Six Flags. That's it. The whole answer. Yeah, I mean. Fuck yeah, Taylor. Well, I'll tell you this. There you go. Taylor Rizzo. We're going to put something in post on that.

Only the people listening to the stream are going to hear that blank. I'm going to write something funny when I get home. Put it in that blank space. We went to the bucket for that. Let's do a special treat and then go back to the bucket. Want a special treat? I don't know about you guys, but

I love special treats. This guy was on last week and he did 60 seconds and then he went on Jeremiah's podcast and said that I didn't make fun of him hard enough. He said that I took it easy on him and that some of my jokes were elementary. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you another 60 Seconds from our friend, the great Wee Man.

Wee Man! Here he comes I shop at Gap Kids too so a while back ago I was just cruising down through a parking lot and all of a sudden, a car stops, well, it didn't even stop yet, it's like, and I hear, oh my god, and I'm like, fuck, I'm about to be raped, and a BBW jumps out of the car, and I'm talking Shaq's sister,

and comes running after me, and I'm, like, ghosted. I'm like, fuck, what do I do? And so I'm like, Shaq, oh, my God, wee man, I love you. And I'm like, and as soon as she's hugging me, and I'm buried in her tits and can't handle it anymore, I'm like, lady, your car is rolling down the parking lot. And she's like, oh my God, no. And she's running back, tries to throw it in park,

but is still trying to make love to me. And I'm like, lady, I thank you, I love you, I love all my fans. And that's it. Fuck yeah. Wee Man. Hi. Wee Man with a little short story for us.

Yeah. Obviously. I love everybody. The term is, by the way, BBBBW. Big Black Beautiful Woman. Big Black. Oh, yeah. Three Bs.

Three Bs. All right. With triple Ds. Right. So it's a total of six. So they were just eight cups to you, maybe. Moving on. You could say something.

How could they be eight cups to me? No, they'd be triple Ds. You're right. Nobody look at me. I got a potential something for that joke. You could say something about she had the parking brake on,

which was just her sitting in the car. And then she got out. Something like that. That's good. That's a tag to that. See, I don't work in these sound bites. You know, the thing is the joke worked, but here's how it could work. Like, that's literally what the last minute of this has been.

He's doing fine. He was fine. No, yeah. Watching you get hurt is the most me and my stiff dad ever bonded growing up. So I just want to say thank you so much. You're welcome. It was working. Getting hit in the nuts was the only thing we could agree on.

We've seen him embarrass himself many times, haven't we? That's just last week on Kill Tony. I can't believe you said my jokes are elementary. You went with the short ones again. What the fuck else do you think I'm going to make fun of you

about, you son of a bitch? Oh, man, Wee Man over here and his giant dick. Am I right? What a loser. Oh, man, his amazing personality. So fun. Oh, man, you know what really bothers me when I'm hanging out on my patio and I'm just sitting there in the fence and all of a sudden I hear,

Tony, you over there? Oh, what a loser. Son of a bitch. All of everybody's jokes about you are always going to be short jokes. How old are you? And he's still not used to this. Did you ever think about killing Peter Dinklage and going, there can be only one? No, but he is.

That was new, right? That was new? No, no. It's not new, but he is pretty pissed at me. It's funny because when he first came out, some men. He's gay? No, not that When he first

When he first started becoming a movie When he came out of the cupboard Yes When he fell out of the teacup He called it the wall Some magazine called me and they're like So do you know this Peter Dinklage guy I'm like no why

Well he's a little person like you He's about to be a star I'm like doninklage guy? I'm like, no, why? They're like, well, he's a little person like you. He's about to be a star. I'm like, don't know the guys. I'm like, why are you asking me? Well, he's going to be a star, but we didn't know you were in this. I'm like, well, just call me back after he makes three number one movies, and we'll then talk again. Fuck yeah.

So you guys have talked since then is what you're saying. Yeah. No, still hasn't called. Eye to eye? Pretty much. That would be great if you and Peter Dinklage were in a remake of the movie Face Off. Oh, fuck! See, now that's good.

Oh, thanks, Wee Man. That's good. Thanks. Hey, Stepdad, let's go hang out next week. I found a way we could bond again. Hey, Stepdad, let's go hang out next week. I found a way we could bond again. I call him Stepdad.

Maybe that's why we don't bond. That's what Wee Man uses to get up on the kitchen counter sometime as Stepdad. I like that you call yourself Wee Man. You're like, why can't people see me as anything else? Fuck yeah, man. Well, what else is going on in life, Wee Man? Not much. Just staying busy.

Putting taco shops around the world. Yeah. Wee Man's making tacos, people. Always. Something that Tony knows nothing about, tacos. Wow. Listen to those two guys that Tony knows nothing about. Tacos. Wow. Listen to those two guys that just laugh at anything. Even if it doesn't even make sense or really apply to anything whatsoever.

Just laughing at Jeremiah's cadence at all. Dude, it was a gay joke, you retard. No? Okay, I tried to double down and it didn't work. Wow. Man, people taking shots at the throne tonight over there. A lot of young, a lot of hate.

Wee Man, let's talk about it. Why would you say that my jokes are elementary when I'm making fun of you for being short? Dude, this is the funniest thing is that this actually hurt Tony's feelings, dude.

You found a way to make him feel small. It's true. It's true. It's true. I really do. You really brought me down a peg. Tony looks in the mirror later tonight and he just sees Wee Man as his reflection.

There you go. Jeremiah's warming back up again after that streak of cold that he went on two jokes ago. Remember that? You know how tough it is for him to hear a guy brag about being able to go to Six Flags? I mean... My life

is better than going to amusement parks. Fuck yeah, it is. Do you go to amusement parks? Yeah. Yeah, you can do that shit, right? But seriously, though, why did you think Tony's jokes were elementary? Because he only goes for the obvious. Right.

About you being short. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, see? Wait, what was that? What did he just say? He goes, what about him being Mexican? You're Mexican?

Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? You don't know that he was smuggled here in his mother's pouch? Wow. You're kidding me. Wow. Dude, this guy's fucking great, dude. Wow, that's crazy.

I had no idea you're Mexican, but now that you mention it, I can picture you outside walking around with a 20-ounce of Corona. You watch your mouth, Holmes. Dude, if Wee Man was a toy, they'd call him Tickle Me Vato. Trump found out he was Mexican.

He was like, the wall's going to be easier to build than I thought. See? Now that's good. That's amazing. I agree. Wow. So much fun.

Build the fence. Build the fence. I love it. I can't believe you're fucking Mexican. That's incredible. The tacos didn't give it away. No. The last name Acuna didn't give it away.

No. He's short. That didn't give it away. Didn't give it away. Come on He's short. Didn't give it away. Come on. Did you tell he's loco? All right. Well, there he is, ladies and gentlemen.

It's Wee Man, Jason Acuna. Gracing us with his presence yet again. We love him. You know him. We love him You know him That made me feel member berries And not just because he's shaped like one We love them

Yeah Let's go back to the bucket one last time Shall we? Anything can happen I like to stir it up extra good for that last one Well, here we go You know this guy, you love this guy This is a Kill Tony legend

One of the people that a lot of people have been seeing on the internet Are vying for a regular ship spot on this show Always hilarious, always a new minute It is Mikey McKernan, ladies and gentlemen Huge amongst the comedians Actually a very, very funny man Always hilarious, always a new minute. It is Mikey McKernan, ladies and gentlemen. Huge amongst the comedians. Actually a very, very funny man. I'm excited to see a new minute.

Mikey McKernan, everybody. 32 years old, I just got tested for ADD. Thank you. Finds I have a new condition called ODD, which means I'm odd. Bo, ah, ah. I've been working at the same restaurant for 11 years. That's how I feel.

Don't hump your co-workers, whatever you do. I like working with some of my co-workers. I got a co-worker named Joy. I like to joke with her. I'm like, hey, your name's Joy, so you can never be depressed, right? She took her life last week. Talk about a killjoy. Boo. Ah.

Ah. Boom. Another new minute for Mikey McKernan. It's another part of this show that I love is that you're on the contrary end of a hippie deciding 24 hours ago in a zen-like state that he's going to start comedy and come here the next day. You've got a guy like Mikey

McKernan who consistently crushes for a minute at a pop for the last five years on this show, pretty much, right? Thank you, yeah. No, last year was the first year I've ever been on the show. It feels like forever, Mikey. We haven't even been doing the show five years. Well, I mean, maybe it's the fact that he looks like

he's been stuck on a ship for the last 20 years or something like that. You have an ageless face. I feel like I could have seen you at Burning Man, but I also feel you could be Edgar Allan Poe's best friend. I get that a lot. Everybody loves the boo-ha, your trademark. When did you start doing that?

Has that always been a thing of yours? Not when I first started comedy, but I would do it for my friends whenever I told a bad joke. And they're like, you should do that on stage. And I was like, that's a horrible idea. And then you did it and you started crushing. Everybody loves it. Except for this guy. Yeah, you don't like it. I do now, I guess.

I don't know. Yeah. I like that a non-famous person has a catchphrase they feel burdened with. Yeah, that's exactly. You live by the catchphrase, you die by the catchphrase. I mean, I've seen Mikey a lot,

and I actually, it comes up in my personal life. I'll just, like, say it out of nowhere all the time. That's what I hope for. Boo-ha-ha. I want to, you know, it's not,

catchphrases are not original, but millennials, you know, they don't know how to do one, so they'll do the boo-hoss, hopefully. I don't know if you live by the catchphrase. You look like you live by the government welfare. No, I'll have you know that he has been working hard for the last 11 years as a waiter at Bubba Gump Shrimp Company at Universal Studios.

11 years. I mean, literally, what the fuck? Holy shit. I mean, literally, what the fuck? Holy shit. And here I thought he was a musician going by the name Sex Offender Al Yankovic. Do we have any new trivia you can tell us that you haven't done in the past for Scum? No, I've given up on doing trivia, and they'll be really upset to hear that.

Do they make you serve in a wheelchair? No, but that was a good Halloween costume one year. I dressed up as Lieutenant Dan, and everybody was like, you got legs. You got what? Legs. Oh. Because he didn't have legs in the movie. Yeah.

Yeah, why didn't you cut him off for Halloween, dude? He just takes the saw to his legs and he goes, Ha, ha, ha, ha! Dude, every time you come, do you go, Goo, ha, ha? No, I say, uh, blink. Okay. Oh, he's trying a new one.

Mikey, what else do you do for fun when you're not working or doing stand-up? Oh, I like to root for my favorite hockey team, the Anaheim Ducks. Yeah, you like to root for them? Yeah, like I said this last time, but I started stalking the guys who worked at Jumotron on Instagram. And they're like my friends now on Instagram. When the other team does something good, do you ever go, boo! Ha! Ha! Like that? No.

I'm surprised it took him five minutes to start a sentence with I started stalking. When you became a fan of comedy, did you love Jewish comedians? Did you go, Jew! Ha! Ha! Do you still hang out with the other members of three dog night it's my weed dealers hey Mikey can you tell the tin man I said what's up

for sure thanks for show so 11 years at Bubba Gump do you have an escape plan? No I mean like if somebody pulls out weapons And tries to murder people I know where to exit You know what I mean? Like the safe way but Mikey you've done this show so many god damn times

In this past year Seventh time In a seventh fun different minute. I'm actually going to, we've talked with you a lot, so I'm going to get you out of here. Mikey McKernan. Thank you so much.

You guys want to do something crazy? I know we already said one last guy, but should we go to the bucket one more time? I agree with you on this one. Let's do it. Your final comedian performing tonight. Another legend on this show. You know her. You love her. She always does a new 60 seconds. Another person who I literally almost every day on the internet, people are like, Hey, make this person a regular. Cause we don't have a regular right now. She's definitely in the running. Put your hands together for the great

Jesse Johnson, everyone. Oh, I hope she's here. Oh, there she is. Here she comes. Jesse Johnson, everyone. My time is gone. Send shivers down my spine. Wow. Thank you so much. Make some noise for Jesse Johnson, everyone.

Thank you. Thank you. Well, let's get into it. Father's Day is coming up. The seasons change, but my jokes don't. For this next bit, Father's Day is coming up. And I got a really cool dad, okay? In fact, I think he's too cool for me. You guys ever hear that song, Cats in the Cradle? Went to solve a spoon, little boy. It's a classic. If you haven't heard it, get a radio.

No, I'll tell ya, I'll tell ya. If you haven't heard it, it's about a kid, dad's never around, kid grows up, not around for the dad, right? My relation with my dad's just around kid grows up not around for the dad my relation with my dad just the first half of that song just swap out that third verse I got home from college

and I called my dad he said he couldn't talk now but he called me back he never called me back there you go Jesse Johnson new minute from Jesse Johnson. I'm a silver spoon. Little boy blue as the man on the moon. When you come at home, son, I don't know when,

but we'll be together again. Jesse Johnson, everyone. Jesse, you've been on the show many a times. How are you doing? I'm doing great. Thanks for having me. I feel like a breakdown is coming at any second. How's life been going?

Life's been going great. Since last time I've been on the show, I got a bed. I was on an air mattress. Yeah, little things, you know? You sound like Missy Martinez before she started porn. Everything's good, and then nine years later, you know, I mean, sometimes it's

three dicks, but you think it's eight. Something to look forward to. What kind of bed did you get? I got a free bed. I helped my friend move. I don't know the make and model. The make and model. I really wish you hadn't asked me that.

Is it a queen? It's a queen, yeah. A queen for a queen. Wow, look at you. When you lay down on it, does it go, yes! Yes! Wow. Jessie, you got a bed. What else has happened since the last time we saw you?

I got a job. Whoa, where are you working now? I work at a bakery. I haven't started yet. I just got the job last week, where are you working now? I work at a bakery. Wow. I haven't started yet. I just got the job last week and filled out my paperwork. Wow. So next week I'll probably start. None of this matters.

What are you going to do there? Well, I'm going to do cashier. But the manager told me that half the clientele only speaks Spanish. And I was like, ay caramba! It's a Mexican bakery, right, Jessie? It is a Mexican bakery. Most

Mexican women I've met do have a bun in the oven, so it makes sense. She's too old for that. Wow. You excited about your new bakery job? I'm excited. I'm going to learn some Spanish, maybe.

Fuck yeah. What do you know how to speak as of now? Can you give us a little example of what you know? Hola. All right. Fuck yeah. Well, that's fun. That's exciting.

What are you afraid of? My potential. And there it is. That's in the cradle and the silver spoon. Little boy blue and the man on the moon. When you're coming home, son, I don't know when. We'll be together then. And now we have the real Jesse Johnson.

That is the saddest of my potential. You're afraid of what you'll become? What are you, Carrie? Carrie? Jesse, you're sitting next to one of the most popular female stand-up comedians in the world. Is there anything you want to ask her or anything that you have this chance right now? Because Mary Lynn doesn't talk to people offstage or in public or anything like that. When I see you off the stage, don't make eye contact with me.

When I see you off the stage, don't make eye contact with me. Also, you're very cute, and so if you try to go up for the same job as me, I'll have you killed. Oh, God. I'm still trying to get a job. Maybe we can play sisters or something. No. I do relate to you, though. I do relate to you. You have that giggle that covers up what's really going on.

And I really like that you're afraid of your potential. I believe you. And I feel you. What else are you afraid of other than your potential? Anything else? That this is all a dream and reality is a simulation. What are you, the notorious B.I.G.? Remember, she's a conspiracy theorist,

and she thinks we're living in the simulation theory. You sound like a white guy who moved to India. My sister's here from Phoenix. I wanted to say that. She's here. Wow, that's fun. Phoenix, the India of the U.S., dude. Phoenix, the city where there will be a Kill Tony Live April 5th for a weekend in Tempe, Arizona.

That's Kill Tony Live in Phoenix, Arizona. All right. And the sister's like, I'm just so happy to be here. What does your sister do? Well, what doesn't she do? She works for Aetna, an insurance company She studied astrophysics And she paints

And she hikes and jogs She wants to do the Appalachian Trail Not like you at all I feel very boring Compared Every sentence you say sounds like you're in a hostage video It's an insurance company Every sentence you say sounds like you're in a hostage video. It's an insurance company and there's just four guys behind me and they're all really nice and they just want the money

and they'll just send me back afterwards. You live by yourself? No, I have one roommate now and another one moving in at the end of the month. Is it a two-bedroom, one-bedroom? It's a two-bedroom. I'm in the living room. Thank you.

Yeah. Officially an L.A. comic. Now, I know that the laughter turns into crying, but does the crying ever turn into laughter? Oh, yeah. What do you cry about? My dog dying. When did your dog die? Last November.

Wow. And its name was Potential. Yeah. My greatest fear. You know, that's my greatest fear, I think, is loved ones passing, you know, and carrying on in this life without them because that's not what it's all about. What else would you do?

She's like the stewardess when the plane crashes. The exit drawer, I don't know where the fuck it is. If you could talk to your dog right now, what would you say to it? What was its name? Carmen. Carmen? Yeah.

Well, where is Carmen? San Diego. Okay. In heaven. What would you say to Carmen if you could right now? Are you a happy girl? Which is also the name of her one-woman show. Are you a happy girl? Wow.

How did your dog die? Old age. Not displaced in her neck. She was 17. It wasn't like a... Whoa, 17? Do you have an old dog? She was barely legal. An old dog.

I knew you were going to do that. Oh, wow. She had a displaced disc in her neck? Is that what you said? 17-year-old dog. Carmen. What kind of dog was it? A terrier.

A terrier. That's so funny. I just got a terrier. Oh, they're great. Yeah, they're awesome. Because it's not funny. Everybody loves a terrier. It's sad.

It's not funny. That's her. Do you have her soundbite? I'm trying to just make you cry on stage I'm trying to bring up all these things I figure if we're going to end a show of laughter We're going to end it with a very likable girl crying There you go Here we have a

She's like And that's why I have dad issues That's what they did to Carmen Okay She's like and that's when I stopped being a girl And started being a woman Yeah rock and roll And that my friends is episode 251 Of Kill Tony at being a woman. Yeah, rock and roll.

And that, my friends, is episode 251 of Kill Tony. That's Jessie Johnson. She's on Twitter at Jetski Johnson. Mikey McKernan is Mikey McKernan on Twitter, M-C-K-E-R-N-A-N. March 20th. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebell. Look at that.

That's Mike Lawrence. He's going to be at Cap City March 21 through 24. He's your roast battle champion he made all those amazing jokes for you tonight how about that make some noise for him that's mike lawrence hilarious in the moment just like our friend mary lynn rice cub at her first time on the show tonight she is on hear me now on npr a new kevin hart movie coming out in september catch them both touring at their websites,

perhaps that were made on Squarespace. I know mine was made on Squarespace. Death Squad was made on Squarespace. ShopSquad.tv is on Squarespace. Jeremiah Watkins was here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, that was him underneath that wig that entire time.

Hey guys, follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp, and check out my latest episode of my new podcast, Jeremiah Wonders, with Jason Wimanakuna and Rick Cossack, guys. Whoa.

What are we doing? Cross-breeding, everybody. And the episode, ironically, before that was Mary Lynn Rice Cup. So there you go. Go check it out. Patty Reagan is in the house. Yeah.

Yeah. Check out... We're in Boston, me and Jeremiah, and then doing shows the house. Yeah. Yeah. Check out. We're in Boston, me and Jeremiah. And then we're doing shows or whatever. Yeah. And then check out the movie Main Streets. It's a Martin Scorsese second feature. Fuck yeah.

I've seen that before. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Mostly sorry on Twitter. What else? Nothing. Hi. I love hearing from you guys. This is my favorite day of the week. Thank you guys. Reach out to me. Peace. Chroma Chris. Chris Chroma. Hi. I love hearing from you guys. This is my favorite day of the week. Thank you guys. Reach

out to me. Peace. Chroma Chris. Chris Chroma. You can check out my band this Saturday downtown LA at the Lexington at 9 o'clock. Dragging the Swamp Rats with Honda Days and Fierce Brosnan. Fuck yeah. You can go see his band. If you don't go see

his band, you know Chris, you can always find a job on ZipRecruiter. If you build a website on Squarespace after smoking LA Speed Week. Hey, Tony, I got a big Death Squad show here at the Comedy Store. It's a Sunday, February 25th with Sal Volcano. You, me, and a bunch

of people. I want to give a quick shout out as well to my friend and cancer survivor David Pierce right here. Boom. This motherfucker. They tried to take him from me. Bastards. He beat the shit out of it. Josh Martin's killing it everywhere.

We have a bunch of other fun things happening. Kill Tony in Phoenix. Kill Tony in Nashville. All this stuff's happening right now. TonyHinchcliffe.com DeathSquad.tv Good night, live audience. Thank you so much. Take care.

I don't know when We'll get together then You know we'll have a good time then Well, my son turned ten just the other day Said thanks for the ball, dad, come on, let's play Could you teach me to throw a suit? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.