KILL TONY - KILL TONY #256

Episode Date: March 23, 2018

Dom Irrera, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 03/19/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website,Squad.TV There you have all the past episodes Including video portions of all the shows And you can also click on tour dates Not only do we do Kill Tony Every Monday at the world famous comedy store

But we also go on the road And we do Kill Tony on the road all the time Including April 5th We're going to be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix Followed by some shows At the Tempe Improv that weekend And then we're going to be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, followed by some shows at the Tempe Improv that weekend. And then we're going to be at the Nashville Comedy Festival, April 19th, and a bunch of dates. Just go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates.

Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website. He's got his tour dates and everything up there for himself. He's going to be all over the place. He's going to be in Providence. He's going to be at Wise Guys and Spokane and Punchline. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. Don't forget to go to his website and check out every episode he draws. And he also has a book. He also has a poster. It's pretty sweet. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And then last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. that's the official merchandise of the death squad universe go there get some hats get the kill tony shirt got a bunch of stuff over there

go to shop squad dot tv and now here's a special brand new episode of kill tony Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Heskler. Hello, everybody. What the fuck is up? Make some noise. We're here on a Monday.

Get excited, lady. Fake-ass excitement. Big-ass pack comedy sorts. Brian Redman is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, what's up, everyone? Yeah. We have the great Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode over there. He drew Kill Tony, the book.

And that's available at ryanjebel.com. We have so much fun stuff coming up. Kill Tony, the show, is going to be in Phoenix at Stand Up Live on April 5th. And in Nashville, as you know, on April 21st. But right now, we have breaking news. A special announcement. Kill Tony will be in Fort Wayne, Indiana on August 4th. Indiana gets their first Kill Tony.

And another Kill Tony show announcement. September 29th, Fort Worth, Texas, you just got your own fucking Kill Tony. There you go. And, ready for this? Let's do it again. Hit that motherfucker

again. Because I forgot to write it down, but the one I just told you is in, of all places, get ready for it, Detroit, Michigan. Ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony will be at the second annual Motor City Comedy Festival in Detroit, Michigan. That is on Saturday, September 22nd. I think the engine revving would have been a good option, too, for that one, but I guess we'll do that. We're also all doing stand-up comedy at the Tempe Improv after that Phoenix show, April 6th and 7th and 8th in Providence.

I'm doing stand-up comedy in Providence, Spokane, San Fran, Houston, and I'm making my return to Chicago at Zany's in October. That's a special announcement, too, right there. That's return to Chicago at Zany's in October. That's a special announcement too right there. That's awesome. So a lot of dates coming up and oh yeah, another one. Skankfest weekend just announced. The Legion of Skanks are good friends. Who, by the way,

you ready for this? Hit the fucking special announcement thing again. Here you go. Next week's guest, the Legion of Skanks. Big Jay Ogerson and Louis J. Gomez. They have the first ever truly all-comedian-built comedy festival that they do in, of all places, New York City. And it's fucking massive. And we did it last year and had so much fun.

And I cannot give you the exact date of our show, but I can tell you that the Skank Fest just announced that it is the weekend of July 14th. So that is a bunch of breaking, exciting news. And speaking of exciting news, I've been having a lot of fun lately. I don't know if you guys know this. I'm married now. My sex life is great. But for those of you having sex performance issues, they are more common than you think.

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Or you could just get generic Viagra. But you don't have to go to a doctor. You could just go to this website, connect with a doctor online. Next thing you know, you have $20 a month worth of Viagra. That's super cheap because it's generic and you don't have to go to the doctor. Medical grade solutions with real licensed doctors offering well-known generic equivalents to name brand prescriptions to give you erectile without the dysfunction. Not herbal supplements, prescription solutions backed by science. Try HIMSS for a month today for just $5. How about that? Who loves things for $5?

Hell yeah. We'll get you started for just five bucks while supplies last. See website for full details. This would cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or pharmacy. Instead, go to forhims.com slash kill. That's forhims.com slash kill. F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com. You guys ready to start the show or what? We're all together. I can tell this is a real Kill Tony audience. We're here on a Monday. See a Jamie Vernon powerful hoodie out there.

You can tell there's real fucking fans here. And I'm excited because this is a fan-friendly episode. One of the legends, one of our absolute favorite guests on this show. He's probably done it. I should have asked Josh this to make it a fact, but I would guess he's probably the guest that has also done this the most because I ask him the most because he is truly the best at being a guest on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you one of the greatest comedians of all time, the great and powerful Dom Herrera.

Yeah, baby. There he is. Hello to my fellow millennials. Comedy Central rated you one of the top 50 comedians of all time. I got beat up. I got beat up

by Cedric the Entertainer, too. Is that true? Yeah. How could I compete with an entertainer? All I do is stand up. He entertains. He has people over the house. Can you imagine the balls of calling yourself the entertainer? I'm gonna break the walls here of comedy for a second. I'm gonna tell you, I don't know if you know this, but I have

purposefully set you up for that joke every time you've been on this show. I think 17 times you've been on this show. And there's a reason why. And it's because it is my favorite joke of all time. The fact that you got beat up by a real entertainer. I mean, that's his joke. I'm not saying that he's not a real entertainer.

The greatest thing about getting older is I have no recollection of it at all. So it's always fresh and new to me. Absolutely. Just like you are. Hold me. Exactly. Thanks to L.A. Speedweed, I also have short-term memory loss.

Friends over. Use the code word chucklepuffer for 15 off your next cannabis order. Chucklepuffer. L.A. Speedweed. We have a band on this show, as you know, Dom. That's why when I have you on now, I like to just do it solo, because you're such a monster that we can just have fun with the band and with you. And we love the band.

It's the best damn band in the land. I love these guys. It's the Kill Tony Band. It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Every week, they commit to different characters, and I never know what they're going to be. We don't know. But throughout the episode, they make jokes through those characters.

They're a few days late. Oh, my God. It is clearly a St. Paddy's Day celebration. They are leprechauns today. Jeremiah, his body is shaped so weird. I mean, there's no real way to describe the way Jeremiah is shaped at all times. It's like skinny, but like unhealthy, but it's good. Jeremiah is on the show.

They all have, for you podcast listeners, they all have very realistic beards on their faces. Blonde beards. Leprechaun, St. Patrick's Day. How's it going over there? Quite well, Tony. Quite well. We just celebrated one of our favorite pastime holidays the other day, and in Ireland,

every day is St. Patrick's Day. What a homic. We got pretty wasted, I'll tell you that, Tony. You did? What happened? I got so drunk I couldn't get my shillelagh hard. Go to 4Hims. 4Hims.com will help you get your shillelagh all back in order. I got so drunk, James Joyce's novel started making sense.

Oh, wow. Fuck yeah. That's a select few out there. I got so drunk I read a Tom Clancy novel backwards. Wow, how about this Irish full-blown Mexican sitting behind you guys? That's a leper ex-con for you. Wow. Look at that, Joel Berg is here, ladies and gentlemen.

When he kills, you're supposed to chant his name. here, ladies and gentlemen. When he kills, you're supposed to chant his name. That was amazing, the execution there, especially since you did it in a Jamaican accent. That is Leprechaun Man to you. Great Irishman

back there. I have a bucket full of comedians' names. A ton of comedians signed up tonight Comedians, how are you guys? Are you excited? Giving people opportunities I see the great and powerful Aphrodite is here

Malcolm Missy Martinez is here Missy Martinez, Kill Tony royalty I'm excited about this Lila Hart out there, you can barely see her from here Look at that I have a bucket full of comedians' names. You know how it works.

If it's your first time here, let me tell you, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. We're not allowed to laugh into the mic or talk about anything during that 60 seconds. It's all you. And then after that 60 seconds is up, you'll hear the sound of a cat. That means wrap it up then, Earl.

You're sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Who's ready to start the show? It's Kill Tony episode probably like, I don't know, 260 or something crazy. Oh, that's right. Also, the five-year anniversary of this show is on June 18th. It's going to be

absolute chaos. It's going to be the WrestleMania of Kill Tony. We're going to be announcing the new regulars on that show. That's going to be the Wrestlemania of Kill Tony. We're going to be announcing the new regulars on that show. Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows what can happen. So the five year is June 18th. Can you believe that?

It's been five years of this. We were babies when it started. Here we go. I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket. I only had two chins back then. Fun fact about this show was that there was, I believe, on episode one, I believe there was like eight people in the audience, and I think six of them signed up for the show. Like they were in the bucket, and the other two people were Lainey and Jerry,

who sit in that booth right over there every single week for five years. You could watch every episode, too. Every single episode's at DeathSquad.TV. Watch the first couple. It's weird. And follow the new stream. We're on Vimeo right now. DeathSquad.TV. We are live streaming around the world. I pulled a name out of the bucket. You guys ready to start this shit or what?

Keep it going for Jay Singh. Here we go. He's walking to the stage. Come on, one more time for Jay Singh, everybody. Fuck. Okay, I'm biting the bullet. Fuck it. Hey, I'm a dentist,

guys. Look at this shit. I really came from work today. I saw police officers my patient. I did a cavity search on him and he did a cavity search on me. That was a lot of fun. So you know what's funny about dentistry is that there's two main things that I do with my patients is that I want them to be comfortable with me, and I want them not to feel anything in my patient chair. So the thing is, is I went out with a girl that knew these two things. So we're vibing really well. We go out. We go back to my my place and we do the deed. And then she starts looking around my place and she's like, oh, what do you do for a living? I say, oh, I'm a

dentist. And she goes, oh, you must be a great dentist. And I'm like, what makes you say that? And she's like, cause I didn't feel a thing tonight. I felt a wave of just people that got that I just have a tiny dick in the audience that was a lot of fun you know what's funny is one of my main goals in dentistry is I want to make my patients teeth as white as possible like I want them to be so white that they could colonize half the world

fuck yeah Jay Singh ladies and gentlemen Jesus Jay it was like pulling teeth up there tonight, huh? I know, right? Bye. Fuck yeah. You know what bothered me? I mean, I thought you were really out of line saying the deed. I think that's so vulgar.

You know, there's ladies in the room. You little prick. I apologize. Should I say I'm federally licensed to give oral exams? Because I can do that too. I just bond with that joke too. Yes, it's true. I love that you announced it afterwards. You didn't even give me a chance to make that joke myself. Very good.

Fuck yeah. You remind me of Aziz Ansari. Not in your look. In the way that you also stick your fingers in people's mouths. Episode has started. I'm so proud of that one. Jay, how long have you been a dentist for? I'm actually in dental school. I'm not a dentist yet.

I say that to help with women, but it doesn't. Get this poser off stage. And are you like a freshman? Like, have you gone to like one semester? No, no, I've done seven semesters. I'm out of 11, so, you know, I'm almost there. 7-11. You're going to be there soon. That is so, what the fuck was that?

Red Band. Red Band? I set that up. Where the fuck did that come from? Red Band's the fucking math smart jokes over here. What happened to fucking Poopy Diapy Baby? This guy's going outside his wheelhouse. I love it. It's not the red band I know.

That was actually clever. I fucking love this show. Tony, I knew he was still in school because he didn't bring any laughing gas with him tonight. I got it in my car. Real shit. I'll talk to you later. But that's to rape women with. That's not for the comedy show. Wow.

All right. How long have you been doing comedy for? About seven months. Seven months. How's it going for you? Well, awful after this performance. Your eyebrows are... No, don't be so hard on yourself.

Can I tell you, your eyebrows are perfectly chiseled. I mean, that is unbelievable. How often do you take care of those things? The edges are, like, incredible. I can tell, like, you really keep an eye on them. Yeah, four or five days. Yeah, because if you don't do anything, that just fucking connects real quick, right? Yeah, I get mad unibrow.

I bet you do. Yeah. Where are you from? I'm from Vegas. Wow. Oh, that's exactly where we thought you were from. Fuck, yeah. You lucky guys ever get lucky in Vegas?

No, not time or two. You know the saying, Tony, once in Vegas, it shall remain a secret. That's my boy, Patty Reagan. Oh, god damn. I'll just stick your shillelagh up your ass now. For fuck's sake.

Jay. That's what he had. Good stage presence. Yeah. He's likable. Yeah. Not particularly funny, but... Yeah.

No, but I mean, you got... I got to work on the funny part you're right I mean seven months you can't really have anything in seven months how many times a week do you go up

not even a baby I try to go three four times a week that's cool what places well here's my first time and then this is your first time

at the comedy store no first time at Kill Tony oh okay yeah and then Laugh Factory Westside Comedy Theater

Fanatic Salon, places like that. I have a question for you. Yes, sir. At one point in your set, did you just assume the audience thought you had a small dick? Apropos of nothing, I wasn't really listening to your sets very closely, but I mean, why? But at one point, it sounded like you were just like, I know now everyone here thinks I have a small dick. And it seemed like that came out of totally nowhere

and that you were projecting onto the audience. I was just curious about that. Go ahead, answer his question. Well, it was part of the joke. The joke I tried to rush through, so... I'm also Indian, so we kind of have small penises. Every Indian person knows that. Why do I get a little feeling

from the way that... Yes, Jeremiah. We're just going to blow past that, that it's a common known thing that Indian men have small penises. You didn't know that? How do you know that, Tony? That's a thing.

That's a thing. We know who have the big penises and the small penises in the comedy world. I don't know about that, Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah. No, yeah, for sure. Indian guys are creepy, man. We fucking are. He's right.

It's a pretty blanket statement. Hopefully it's not a smallpox blanket statement. I think that's a different type of Indian That that happened to A for effort though So Jay you go to USC Yes sir How long have you been going there again

I graduated from undergrad there and now I'm in dental school there What's your love life like? You using that little dick for anything good? This is my love life right now. Really? He's pointing to his butt for the audio. There's the red band I know. Oh.

So, like, the last date you went on, when was that? Two weeks ago. Say that again? Two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. Where'd you meet the girl? Bumble. Bumble?

Yeah. Yeah. And what does your Bumble profile say? Dentist? It does say dentist. You fucking liar. You lie to everybody, man. Totally a dentist.

And then somebody gets a fucking, like, oh, I think my tooth's hurt. You're like, oh, shit, I gotta call my doctor. You don't know anything. I know things. Really? Go ahead, ask me. Okay. So, uh... What is it, Slumdog Millionaire? There you go.

Now you're learning. So, Jay, where'd you take her on that date? I took her to a bar in Santa Monica. Yeah, what bar? Bar Chloe. It's like a lounge. And what'd you order? What'd she order?

I got rum and coke, and I forgot what she got. She forgot what she got, too. Plop, plop. Fizz, fizz. Wow. That's my leprechaun Jeremiah Watkins O'Shanahan. So you had, how many drinks do you think you had? About three or four.

Yeah, and then what happened? Then you're like, hey, what do you say we take this back to my office? I mean my studio apartment. Yeah, we actually went back to my place. Did you curry her home? I did. I'm not proud of any of you. So you say, what do you say we go back to my...

Wait, let me ask you this. What ethnicity is she? She's white. Whoa! Okay, so you're on this date with a white girl. She has three or four drinks as well, or you're just getting drunk? No, she has three or four drinks as well.

Okay, and you're like, what do you say we go back to my place? And she says... She says, yeah. Okay, and then what happens? And then we did the deed, because that's... I asked you not to fucking say that, man.

That's why I did it. That's why I did it. Now, you seem like the kind of guy that would wear two condoms. How close am I to right on that? You got some set of brown balls, my friend. Why do you go out to hurt people? Why do you have to be such a prick? Look at him.

Just a ball of anger. Learn about comedy from these guys with their bogus Irish accents. They're top of the date here, though. Father? Did you notice anything in particular that stood out to you about this girl, about this specific hookup a couple weeks ago

that was different than any girl that you've been with? Was it a little something weird or off or anything like that? No, they're all just the same? No, I didn't notice anything different. You just did the deed and then what did you do? Did you go, I'll get you an Uber or something like that? No, she got an Uber herself.

Yeah, she had to get out of there pretty quick, didn't she? Yeah, she did. That's when you know the guy spends. Get your own fucking Uber. Yeah, what did you think? I'm a dentist or something? I'm a fucking freshman. Yeah, I'm in school. You know the drill. Get out of here. And that takes a lot of wisdom to have a girl get

her own Uber. I got a question. When you fist girls, do you call it the poon jab? I do now. Fuck yeah. Did you take her to eat anywhere, or you guys just went straight to the bar? Did you take her to a new deli or anything like that? Alright, this is getting silly.

Anything else for J-Dom? I definitely think he has the potential to be a public speaker. He's likable. I like him. I want to see him next time have some real, you know, just tighter material. And I know it's tough for a minute, but he definitely shows stage presence,

don't you think? Yeah, yeah. You can't help but like the fucking retard. Look at him. There he is. Jay Singh's first time on Kill Tony. He's on Twitter at Dr. J Comedy. I'm pretty sure he just touched me on his way off.

Super weird. I don't like it when people touch me like that. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Danny Archilla. I'm not seeing movement, so we're going to move on. Blacklisted. Yeah, can't miss your spot. Put your hands together for Terrence Murphy.

Here we go, from deep in the corner. One long stride. Here he comes. Hell yeah. Put your hands together for Terrence Murphy, everyone. What's going on, guys? Excited to be here, man. I don't know if you can tell how excited I am, but my son said his first cuss word. Most parents get excited about, what, baby's first steps or sending their kid off to college, but I'm trying to write jokes.

You know, I got to... I tear it up, you know? Is nigga a cuss word, nigga? I mean, not for me, but I'm asking a few white people that are here, right? Top five words you can't teach your kids. And I'm so curious. I'm always curious the conversation white people have to have with their kids about that word. You know, like, mommy is just a word, Becca.

You can say shit, not this, you know? Like, mommy is just a word, Becca. You can say shit, not this, you know? Like, I, my girl, my girl's Hispanic, right? And she, she grew up in, like, a rough part of L.A., so she say nigga more than I do. So it wasn't even the fact that he said it, it was that he used it the right way,

you know? Like, how do you say nigga? Fuck yeah. That's my time. Terrence Murphy, guys. Terrence Murphy. Hell yeah, Terrence. Have you been on this show before?

Nah, first time. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you, thank you. How long have you been on stand-up? That's my third year now. Going to third year. All here in Los Angeles? Yeah. Yep, all in L.A., man.

Is this where you're from? No, I'm originally from Gary, Indiana. Oh, cool. We're going to be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. I saw you talk shit about Fort Wayne. Where? I heard the little pin drop or whatever it was you guys did for Fort Wayne. Pin drop. You did some sort of.

What sound effect did you hit? Well, obviously it was a gunshot. That was Detroit. There was a boing. It was more of a boing. Fort Wayne, Indiana. And you're from what? Gary? Gary, Indiana. There's a couple, I think, really big comedians

from there, right? I'm from Steve, Indiana. Alright. So, Terrence, what do you do for a living? Actually, I'm a stay-at-home dad right now. Really? How old's your kid? One, just turned one. Wow. And it's a daughter, huh? No, a boy. I got a little boy. Oh, okay.

I was just going off of the joke. Do you say a daughter in it? No, I say a son. Oh, okay. I think I say son. Don't I say son? I hope I say son.

Yeah, you say son. You had a really good stage presence. Thank you. That was the main thing I noticed, was you came on and you immediately took command and you had a good stage presence. And then as far as the set, I have to admit, I wasn't really listening. I tried. I couldn't do it.

You said it to everybody. You know, maybe I'm old school, but I just never would say nigger or cunt on stage. Oh, really? I'm only old school. There's no place for that. Oh, shoot. Offend the great, that's good.

Take away from it. She's a nigger cunt. It's too much for me. Yeah, you definitely can't say that. I wouldn't say it. Or doing the deed. There's some things you just can't say. And there's some things

money really can't buy. Terrence, you've been doing it for three years. You're a stay-at-home dad. How are you making money? So we do like an Airbnb, and my girl, she's kind of paying the bills right now. What does she do? She works for an airline. Oh, yeah?

What airline? Southwest. Oh, shit. Yeah. Big trouble. You don't like Southwest? What's wrong with Southwest? It's too much.

Is she one of those funny stewardess? She tries to be. Does she have any jokes that she does? All stolen from me. What are they? What's your favorite? Wait, you're responsible for that comedy on Southwest Airlines? May he burn in hell for eternity.

Any good ones that you remember giving her? Not off the top of my head that I can think of. Hi, I've got an asshole who's trying to tell the stewardess jokes. Can you get him off the plane, please? Well, that's good. So what else do you do for fun or hobbies or anything? Anything that you do to get away

from the one-year-old? This man trying to make it. When you're not doing comedy and you're not with the one-year-old, is there anything that you go off and do or that you're into? I mean, we travel a lot. And boy, are his arms tired. Why would his arms be tired? Because flying, because he's a stewardess.

You know, sometimes you wait too long to drop a drill pin. This happens. It's okay, it's okay. Back to you, Tony. Thank you for the toss. That's our man down on the scene, Joel Jimenez.

All right, Terrence. Well, I mean, what else? Is there anything else in your life? What's the one-year-old like? Does he do anything that is annoying to you? Man, he's... I mean, other than cuss more than I do. Really? Does he? Yeah, he's a nigga.

Really? One years old? I can't keep offending Dom. I'm going to stop. You don't need to do that. You're bigger than that. You're better than that. I mean, you know. Do you think I'm fucking serious?

Is that true? Does the one-year-old really swear? Yeah. Where do you think he gets it from? It's all me. I cuss around the house. You can't. I don't want to. But if it's just you and the one-year-old really swear? Yeah. Where do you think he gets it from? It's all me. I cuss around the house. You can't. I don't want to.

But if it's just you and the one-year-old, what are you cussing about? Why am I here alone with my one-year-old? That's a good question. There was no cuss words in that. It's probably mostly when his mom gets home is when I do the cussing. This is the idea. Anyway, thanks for the support, Tony Hendrickson.

It would be why am I here with this fucking one-year-old? His last name is Murphy, but I've never seen his kin around Ireland before. How many times a day do you say the N-word? Ooh, that's a good one. You said this, what, seven times during the set? No, I didn't. Is it like a hundred times a day do you say the N-word? Ooh, that's a good one. I mean, you said this, like, what, seven times during this set?

No, no, I didn't. Your kid's saying it. Yeah. I mean, is it like 100 times a day you're probably saying it? You're one of those guys? No, no, no. It's just for the joke. You know, I'm trying to get...

I should have planned that out a little bit better. I was trying to get him to say it, but he didn't. You're trying to get your other people to say it. I think what Red Band's asking is, you know, we probably heard the N-word maybe, I don't know what, 25 times since you've been up here. Oh, really? So I guess our question is, what's your NPH?

You know what I mean? If you had to guess over a day. 20 a minute, right? 20 a minute? 28 minutes. Jesus. Oh, my God. I thought only I said it that often.

Can you just tone it down a little and just say, you know, like, faggot, stuff like that? I'll switch it to that. All right, Terrence. What scares you? What are you afraid of? Ooh. Oh, man. Interesting questions here.

Please don't say water. Please don't say here. Please don't say water. Please don't say water. Please don't say... Biggest fear? That's the song to my heart right there. That's it. That's it. Terrence, it was good to meet you.

All right, guys. Fun times. Thanks so much, guys. Terrence Murphy, fun times. He's on Twitter at First Pharaoh. That's it. Terrence, it was good to meet you. All right, guys. Thanks so much, guys. Terrence Murphy, Fun Times. He's on Twitter at First Pharaoh. There he goes. He touched me, too. We're two for two for touches tonight. I guess it's just going to be a whole new run and fucking gag, isn't it, everybody?

Welcome to another episode of fucking Touch Tony. Celebrating our five-year anniversary. I feel like the tree stump At the Apollo Everybody's just rubbing me for good luck On their way off for some Thanks Josh That was the worst one

In their defense they just want to make sure You've become a real boy Alright there you You son of a bitch Josh Martin touched me He's going to be with me in Seattle I forgot to mention I'm doing Seattle All right, there you go, you son of a bitch. Josh Martin touched me. He's going to be with me in Seattle. I forgot to mention I'm doing Seattle.

Actually, that's this weekend. We're going to be together in Austin, Texas. Yes. Just a date? Oh, you and Josh Martin? Taking him for a vacation. Spa day. Dom Irera is also going to be at the Laugh Factory the first weekend of April in Rochester, New York.

DomIrera.com for tickets. Yep. Laugh Factory in Las Vegas the first weekend of April. Rochester is another club. Yeah. Rochester, New York. I-R-R-E-R-A. I'll be in Kilkenny.

I'll actually be in Ireland, boys. Real Ireland. Hey, my mom's always criticizing my teeth. I said at least mine aren't on my pussy. Fuck yeah. You guys ready to go back to the bucket, huh? You guys having fun out there? Alright, I pulled another name out.

This looks like an interesting one. Put your hands together for Sal Fratelloni. He's got a steady jog. Here he comes. Sal Fratelloni. How's it going, everybody? Do you guys like clickbait? You guys know what clickbait is?

It's fake news stories on Facebook and Twitter. I saw some clickbait the other day that I'm obviously going to share it with you because it's my set. So this is some clickbait I saw the other day. It said, bride-to-be leaves empty seat for her dead son at her wedding. Can't hold back tears when she sees who shows up. Who showed up? Was it her dead son? When she sees who shows up. Who showed up? Was it her dead son?

Did her dead son just go and crawl out of the grave and go to his mother's wedding? Also, if your kid dies like two weeks before your wedding, I don't know. Maybe don't have a wedding. Maybe have a funeral for your dead son. Oh, but we already got the ice sculpture. No, how about a casket? You need a casket and an urn based off his preferences. I don't know.

Anyway, I ended early. Oh, shit. Fuck yeah. Sal Fratelloni. Hi, Sal. How's it going? This is your first time on the show, right? It is my first time on the show.

Okay. I like how you always repeat back the answer in the question. Good for documentaries. How old are you, Sal? I'm 21. Yeah, you seem like it. You seem like you have a little baby head on you, huh? Oh, and a baby laugh, too.

Adorable. Wow. 21. So what's your life story? Tell us something about you, Sal. I started doing improv in, like, seventh grade. And then stand-up, I started that when I was, like... That was, like, four years ago, Sal.

That was four years ago, yeah. I started doing stand-up, like, when I was, like It was like four years ago, Sal. Four years ago, yeah. I started doing stand-up when I was like 19, I think, and then started getting more serious when I turned 20. Jesus, you make it sound like those are different numbers, Sal. I started when I was

19, really started picking up when I was 20, and now I'm 21, so here I am. Is it getting serious with and now I'm 21, so here I am. Like, really. Is it getting serious with her? I'm sorry? Never mind. Sal, are you from California?

I'm not. I'm from Minnesota. Okay. Sal, Sal, over here. Yes. I'd like to hear another one of your bits. I mean, not really, but... I'd like to hear another one of your bits I mean not really but because you did

like sort of a not a cardinal sin but an error in comedy where you talked about something that was funnier than you and you literally read like a funny article and then you were like hey so this is a funny article right

and then it sounded like some of the stuff you said was funny after that. So I'd like to hear another bit, but that's like where you draw your material from, just in general. That bit violates a rule of comedy. In my head, there's no rules to comedy. There's not a single rule to comedy.

I'm trying to figure out this fucking accent. Do you understand what I'm saying, though, Bayo? I was interested in the choice of material for just a minute. And especially when you're talking about children dying. And it's like, if you're going to do something like that, it really better be over the top fucking funny. Yeah. Because is there anything more depressing? What lost to that?

What did you go, I'm not fucking doing this? I just saw it on the, I literally saw it on Facebook. Kicking puppy material. Took a backseat tonight. So, Sal, tell us about you. You're 21. What are you doing with your life? How do you make money?

I was a barback in Minnesota for a little bit. Oh, that's so fair. You're also a Roseanne's son-in-law on the show Roseanne. You dated Darlene, right? Yes, I was. What do you mean you were a bar back? Is this one of those, well, back when I was 19, and then next thing you know, I'm 20, I'm beat up,

I'm no longer in the game. What do you mean you were once a bar back? My cousin got me the job at this bar downtown. It's called The Loon, downtown Minneapolis. And I worked the Super Bowl and I made a thousand bucks in three days. So I was just like, fuck it. I'm coming to LA. I've always wanted to do it.

Oh, you're saying bear back with an Irish accent. I get it. You're a bar back. So you got the thousand bucks. How long ago did you move to LA? Two weeks ago. Fucking awesome. Thank you. That pretty much burnt the thousand bucks already, long ago did you move to L.A.? Two weeks ago. Fucking awesome. Thank you. That pretty much burnt the thousand bucks already, right?

I am broke right now. So now what are you going to do? What's your plan? Just hit up Mike's. I don't know. What's your living situation? I stayed with my cousin for a week and then met some dude from Mutual Friends and then stayed with him for another week and now I'm back with my cousin.

This dude that you met, why does he let you sleep at his place? I blow him every day. I can't believe you walked into that. I can really tell that you started improv in seventh grade, Sal. But in real life, the real answer of the question. He just yes-handed his dick off. I met him through a mutual friend, and he's an assistant to an agency out here, an agency called APA.

An agency called APA. Fuck yeah, one of the biggest agencies in the world. You definitely moved here two weeks ago. Very good. This thing called I don't know if you guys have heard of it. Show business? Good job, Sal. You're learning. So you're living on the

couch of an assistant to an agent at APA. But my question is, why is he is he, are you paying him? I paid him 50 bucks. I just stayed there for a week, and I'm back with my cousin for one more week. But I move into a new place on April 1st. Well, how'd you pay for that? Are you sure you're moving into a new place, or is the landlord just April Fools-ing you?

April 1st, I'm moving into this mansion in the hills. You know what I mean? It's free. Everything's taken care of. I found it on Craigslist. Fucking awesome. April 1st, I'm moving into this mansion in the hills. You know what I mean? It's free. Everything's taken care of. I found it on Craigslist. Fucking awesome. April 1st, for sure. He said that's the only day it's available.

All right. Well, Sal, that's fucking interesting. I mean, where's that place at? You're just living with... It is in Beverly Hills. Wow. April 1st, you're moving to Beverly Hills. Yeah, with another buddy from college, but we're sharing a room.

And that college was in Minnesota. Yeah, it's Southern Minnesota. It's called Mankato State University. What's the largest culture shock that you've had since being here in LA? What's something that you find? I'll give you an example. When I first moved here, I could not believe how many homeless people I saw eating stuff

right out of trash cans. And now, it's been, I think, 12 or 13 years and I'm so desensitized that the other night, I saw a homeless guy get ready to go out that night. And it didn't even really even affect me. I was like, I walk by One Direction

and he asks for spare change. You walked by the band One Direction? Yeah, and then I walk back the other way after going to the store or whatever and he literally is all dressed up and washed up and everything. Slavamente. Wow, it's just...

Say whatever you think from these fucking leprechauns over here. It's just fucking shoot around day at the Killtown. And it's Mr. Negative Nancy Tony Hinton. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun.

I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun.

I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun.

I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun.

I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun.

I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun. I'm a leprechaun there for a second. You're a good actor. There we go. All right. So, Sal, there's so much that I want to talk with you about because you seem like such a precious little L.A. virgin.

Well, let me answer your question. Was there something that you saw that you were like, whoa, that doesn't happen to me. Jesus. Yeah, did you turn into eric hartman halfway through i uh i don't know i saw a homeless dude uh shit on the like sidewalk just take a shit yeah he just pulled up his pants and left um that was pretty crazy going to dispensaries is honestly nuts because weed is super illegal in minnesota um but yeah i went to this dispensaries is honestly nuts because weed is super illegal in Minnesota.

But yeah, I went to this dispensary called OG Express and I didn't realize until I was pulling onto Crenshaw Boulevard that it's like, literally I was 400 feet away from Compton. The other side of the highway was Compton. You didn't hear Crenshaw Boulevard?

I was like, oh, is that Biggie Smalls? I didn't even know where it was. And then... For some reason, I don't believe that you really have ever listened to Biggie Smalls. I feel like you're just using that as some pop culture reference that you think, yeah, like Biggie Smalls,

who, by the way, was a New York rapper. Oh, yeah, this reminds me of the old Biggie Smalls. I remember the time I was in New York City and I'm like, man, the land of Tupac. Geez, Louise, I sure do love applying my hip-hop knowledge to geography. Those East Coast, West Coast wars sure were crazy, am I right? What is some of your favorite bands besides Nickelback?

What is some of your favorite bands? Come onback, what is some of your favorite bands? Come on, he's into hip-hop, man. He's into fucking, you know. I like a rap group called Brain and the Brawny Man. Oh my God. He's wearing flannel. The Brawny Man wears flannel. He looks more like a Children of the Corn to me.

God, he's just worse than anybody else. Can we get more volume on the band's microphones please Like what's your favorite band right now Right now Fuck I don't really listen to bands Christian Rock I like Go Fish

No I don't know There's this band in Minnesota called Remo Drive That's really good that I like a lot. Shout out to Remo Drive if you're out there listening. This guy fucking loves you. Dom, what do you think of Sal Fratelloni? Does he remind you of any of the guys that you met back in your days growing up

that named Sal Fratelloni? Does he seem like... Well, the name, but his attitude, the whole thing. It's totally Midwestern. So he's not really like real Italian. Right. He's like fake kind of. Yeah, it's like white boy.

I don't mean like you're a phony, but it's just not real, you know? Okay. Yeah, yeah, Olive Garden loving son of a bitch. Thank you. All right, Sal. Well, it was nice to meet you. Anything else you want to say? Anything else that you want to share with this audience, The real life thoughts of a 21-year-old?

I made friends with the dentist just before the show started. Fuck yeah. I'll tell you this. When I was 21 and broke as fuck and in L.A. trying to be a comedian, I wish I was friends with a dentist back then. So you're doing it right, buddy. Thank you. Can I ask one question?

Yes. Wait, question coming from the great and powerful Dom Iraro. I am a real Italian, by the way. I have my Italian horn on me. Oh, he's got the horn. Very good. Hell yeah. I'm surprised you still have that after going to a dispensary on Crenshaw Boulevard.

Yes, your question, Dom Iraro. I just want to ask you, is there any kind of terror inside of you about the idea of not having money and being in such a big, tough city? I mean, you're 21, you're broke. You're obviously just starting stand-up or starting whatever the fuck you were doing here. I say that with all due respect, but don't you have anxiety over this? Oh, I'm fucking terrified. That makes me feel... Because you seem like, oh, yeah, I'm fucking terrified. Of course.

Because you seem like, oh, yeah, I got no... This is great. I don't have money. Food? Fuck food. But I saw a man take a shit right on the pavement. I think I'll write that down. That's all I want to know. Dom has tapped into something pretty interesting, and I guess the tidbit of advice that I'll throw in for a little

special treat for you is like don't let that improv that you started in 7th grade you know when you're doing stand up try to do stand up really fucking like the vulnerability that a guy like you can show well you know it goes a long way

there you go Sal Fratelloni of course. Of course he knows that, he's 21. Why take the advice of one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world? Just of course it. Piece of shit. Nobody's been nervous tonight.

It's very unusual. They're all kind of calm. Do you think? Oh yeah, everybody's, you know, they're not sweating. I've been here so many times where people are just jumping around with anxiety. Yeah. All these guys, you know, even if they're not funny, they're...

The dentist was even comfortable during his interview, and he bombed. He was way too comfortable. Yeah, you remember that brownie joke I did five minutes ago? No. Oh, good. Okay, cool. Forget it. Alright, never mind. Just checking.

I pulled what appears to be another new name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for James Bida? Bida? Bida? Bida? James Bida. He's coming from the farthest corner of the room. He made his way here. James Beda, ladies and gentlemen. All right.

Thank you. So, yeah, my name is James Beda. I'm from Boston. Don't have an accent. I also never worn a wife beater, so I've never had to hear someone say, James Bita in a wife beater, because that would be terrible.

I work at a coffee shop. I would not recommend working at a coffee shop. It's a pretty terrible place to work. It's unnatural to be forced to be kind to over 200 people a day. After five years, it affects my speech. I used to say, have a nice day. Now I say, have a nice slip onto some train tracks, you fucking asshole. I don't want to see you tomorrow.

I think the cucumber of all the vegetables is the biggest pussy when it comes to freezing in my mini fridge. That's my time. Thank you. Wow. Bida, Bida, how do I say that? Bida.. Bida, Bida, how do I say that? Bida. Bida.

James Bida, you have all the charisma of a young Edward Scissorhands. I mean, wow. This is incredible. Where have they kept you locked up at all these years? You seem like one of those people that have been trapped inside of a place, like tied down, bolted down windows, and you just got out. You're like, first thing I'm going to do is stand-up comedy at the comedy store. Kill Tony, Monday night.

They're like, we think you need to recoup for a bit. You're like, I got this shit. Yeah, pretty much. How long have you been a rock climbing instructor? Two days. How long have you been exclusively eating treadle mix? Three days. How long have you been exclusively eating treadle mix? Three days. How long have you been my son?

Okay. Take a look at him and then tell me if that joke was bad. What, he's got a fucking orange beard on? Thank you. I am Latino, so... I love the way you held... Dom?

I love the way you held for the laugh even though there was no laugh. It was great to see that timing, you know. You say something, well, yeah, I started out in Minneapolis, wherever, and my father was a butcher. It was no joke or nothing, but you still acted Minneapolis, wherever, and my father was a butcher. And just like, there was no joke or nothing. But you still acted as if you were banging

joke after joke at. And let's not forget that you also said, you know, I'm James Beda and I've never worn a wife beater or else I'd have to say I'm James Beda and a wife beater. And that would be terrible. And you're right, That would be terrible if you said it, and you said it right before you said it.

Just so everyone knows how terrible it is. That's what they always say. I know a lot of my mentors coming up always said, open with your worst joke. That's what they always said. Well, your clothes are the cucumber. What the fuck was that about? That made zero sense at all.

Oh, because I have a mini fridge and I put vegetables in it and then cucumbers just freeze so easily. I didn't even hear that joke. I was too busy writing down young Edward Scissorhands on a piece of paper. Wait, so it's the only one that doesn't freeze? Oh, it freezes too easily.

Because it's mostly water. Right. And then it's all mushy and it's the only one that doesn't freeze? Oh, it freezes too easily. Because it's mostly water and it's, you know. Right. And then it's all mushy and it's a piece of shit vegetable. James, what vampire do you go to to get your hair cut? Because, I mean, that looks like a fucking, that looks like a vampire haircut if I've ever seen it Do you sit under one of those like Sit down like Things that go over your head

Use tin foil or something like that Towel dry What kind of towel A beach towel You know you don't have to refrigerate cucumbers They come from outside Brian's stuck on the cucumber thing. He really will not give up on it.

James? James? Yes, it is James. From the bottom of my heart, I think if you want to be a comedian, I think you should go for it. I think that there's something funny about you. Absolutely. I appreciate it.

Thank you, man. I agree. Don't encourage the cocksucker. James, how old are you? 26. 26. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first night.

First time ever doing stand-up. There he is. Wow. How about that? The sheep. Maybe he is born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline. James, this is your first time doing it

How long have you wanted to try stand up Two weeks What happened two weeks ago That's an honest answer I was at work And the thought popped into my head On top of a cliff I thought

What do you do for work He's a professional hang glider I work at Dunkin Donuts Wow I thought... What do you do for work? He's a professional hang glider. What? I work at Dunkin' Donuts. Wow! Fuck yeah! I love that.

How long have you been working for Dunkin' Donuts? I worked for them one year in 2011 back in Boston. Now I'm working like two years here. Dunkin' Donuts? Yes. You ever have sex with a girl and you're like, I'm gonna glaze all over those tits of yours and then I'm gonna sprinkle ya

with my poop. Oh, okay. Got a little creepy there at the end. All right. So, James, you've been at the Dunkin' Donuts. And then I'm gonna bear claw you.

And then you're gonna, I'm gonna come inside your Boston cream pie. Fuck yeah. And then I'm gonna wear some Long John's because it got cold in here. Wait, why would there be a Long John's there? Because it's a time of

donut Long John's. Exclusively. I've never even heard of that. Long John? It's the weirdest donut. Really? What is. Long John? It's the weirdest donut. Really? What is a Long John? It's just a long donut, and it's charged more, even though it's the same amount of dough and everything.

Wow. I just think it's a weird name. Why would you name a donut a Long John? Boy. There's a premise. Right, yeah. Run with it, baby. Holy shit.

James, what is your least favorite thing about working with Dunkin' Donuts? No, like I said, being forced to be kind. Like sometimes you're just not having a good day and you have to see over 300 people. And everyone's half asleep and all they want is their coffee. They're just assholes. And no one listens to you. You talk, and they're just like. What did you say? Sorry.

I was kind of nodding off. How long ago did you move to Los Angeles? September 2014. Wow. September 2014. Good luck, man. Maybe someday Starbucks. Hopefully. Hopefully. Man, September 2014. Good luck, man. Maybe someday Starbucks. Hopefully, hopefully.

You never know. They got good health insurance, I hear. What kind of Latino are you? Brazilian. Oh, fuck yeah. I thought you girls were supposed to be prettier. I'm trying, man. I'm trying.

James, what have you been doing for fun? Like, what do you do? You have a group of buddies that you hang out with out here? Like, what do you do? No, yeah, I met some people out here. We just hang out, smoke weed. I met some comics last week. I signed up.

We've been shooting shorts. We're just hanging out. I got to share an Uber with Aphrodite. Wow. Really? Yeah, an Uber with Aphrodite. Wow. That's what you call it. Uber XXL and black. You know what I'm saying? At the same damn time.

That is a special Uber. Five stars indeed. Did you get any of that ass? Can I tell you something by the way? I googled Aphrodite just at some point over the week. I was stoned and I was just looking random shit up. I got off on a tangent.

And I found some very fucking serious first thing that pops up if you type out Aphrodite and spell it Aphro, A-F-R-O. Unbelievably high quality music videos and amazing pieces of work that you've done, Aphrodite. It was very awesome.

It was very entertaining. So make sure you check that out. It's all over. It's all out there. Go Google Aphrodite. I can't even believe it's you. Because I know the comedian, but the musician,

even though we've had you sing on here and stuff, I mean, fucking awesome. She's a poet, awesome. She is a badass bitch. One more time for Aphrodite. James, what's your love life like? You seem like you're a pretty, I can't tell whether you're sensitive and soft

in bed or you spit in their mouth to just get things started, you know what I mean? It seems like it sort of goes either way with you. I could picture a little bit of both. Yeah, no, for me once we're in the bedroom. Maybe you spit in their mouth and then you apologize immediately afterwards. That's the vibe I'm sort of goes either way with you. I could picture a little bit of both. Yeah, no, for me, once we're in the bedroom... Like maybe you spit in their mouth and then you apologize immediately afterwards. That's the vibe I'm sort of in.

I would definitely apologize. It'd be an accident. Is that it? To spit in someone's mouth? He looks like a professional pumpkin carver. So stupid. Isn't it funny that we could do this show for years and years and always still have new things

just by the look of a human being like you really bring it out in us Roses are red, violets are blue I'm Brazilian and I'll spit on you There you go Are you a gentle lover? I'll drink to that Well, I think once you're in the bedroom anything goes

Wow Holy shit Hammers, guns What do you're in the bedroom, anything goes. Wow. Choking, slapping. Holy shit. Pappers, guns. Yeah. What do you mean anything goes? What's the wildest thing you've ever done to a girl? Come on, just be honest.

First thing that pops in your head. Go. Stake through the heart. No, choking. Choking. Gave her that Boston one, too. Stab through the heart. Jesus.

Come on, James. Tell us the truth. Come on. No, choking, I think, was the weirdest. Choking? Why was... Wait, the weirdest? Yeah, I just wasn't used to it at the time. Right, at the time. Now I notice... Swallowing dicks? At the time being the key words there. Now, if you just break the plane of his bedroom,

he has both hands around your neck, just on top. You fucking bitch! I told you to let him get me in the bedroom! Was it in a car garage or a bush? Or was it in your bedroom? Nothing. Wow. Literally called his own nothing on that one.

What was that? Nothing? It's too hard to explain. James, you seem like you are the youngest Menendez brother or something like that. Have you ever thought about killing your parents? No. Do you hate your parents? No. No, you love them?

There's a little bit of resentment, but not really. For what? Your dad? Just because they're very... He wasn't around when you were a kid. Well, they're very conservative, small-minded people, I guess. Ooh, small-minded. You had me at conservative. Now it seems like you're the dick, buddy. Small-minded.

They're sort of a tiny brain. You know what I mean? What's wrong with that? There's nothing wrong with it. In what way? What way do you think they're most conservative? Do they use some of the words that Dom said should never be used earlier? Never.

What's so conservative about them? They think stand-up comedy is from the devil. Do they use some of the words that Dom said should never be used earlier? Never. No? What's so conservative about them? Like, they think stand-up comedy is from the devil. Really? Yeah. Wow. Sick, dude. That sounds small-minded to me.

Yeah. So they saw Tony Hinchcliffe's Netflix special. Wow. So true. That is the devil's work. Is there like a... What is the version of the N-word in Brazil? Oh, this is a good one. It's a...

Say that again? Well, look at a black guy when you say it. Come on, I want to hear it. I want to hear it come from the heart. You know what I mean? What it means is a shoopy shoopy is like a lollipop and lollipops run and I'll fall

through his asphalt. So it's like the runoff of asphalt. It's like the worst thing. Like gutter juice. I guess. Oh, I liked it before I knew what it meant. It's bad. So James, this was your first time ever on stage. How do you feel?

You think you're going to do it again? You think it's something that you really want to do? Yeah, for sure. I'm very, like, adrenaline's pumping. Yeah. But I feel good.

I got a note for you. When you finish, you should go, like, listen to this appearance and write down every word. Okay. And just see what you get. See if you get

any comedy from it. For sure. Yeah. Yeah And just see what you get. See if you get any comedy from it. For sure. That was so inspirational. I feel like doing stand-up now. I mean, look, James, you're very promising. That was your first time ever on stage. It took Chris D'Elia like two or three years to have that exact haircut.

All right, there he goes, James Bida. His first time on the show. He's on Instagram at James R. Bida. B-I-D-A. Back to the bucket we go. Where it stops, nobody knows. How about Josh Kreps?

Josh Kreps? I heard it, oh shit. That usually means that they're here and they got so stoned that they forgot that they signed up. Josh Kreps. Here he comes. What's going on, everybody?

You guys like competition food shows? Anybody? What's going on, everybody? You guys like competition food shows? Anybody? I used to love them until I realized they were prejudice against poor people. It's true. Whenever they open their baskets, the ingredients are always for rich people. It's like, open your baskets,

you'll find black garlic and foie gras and chickpeas. You guys got that shit in your fridge? Me neither. I wish I'd do one episode for poor people. Like, open your baskets, you'll find batteries and baking soda and ketchup.

Now make some shit. You know? I wanted to cook along with him real bad, so I went on this website called what'sinyourfridge.com and on what's in your fridge you can type in everything you have in your fridge and it tells you what you can make. So I took like eight hours

putting everything in my fridge. I'm a slow typer. I thought you had to put the pans in. You don't. Just the food. Josh Kreps. Very fun. I like that. Very funny. That was funny. How's it going? This is your first time

on the show, right? Yeah, man. How long have you been on stand-up? A year. A year. All here in Los Angeles? San Diego. Started in San Diego. You still live in San Diego? You're just visiting here tonight? You go back tomorrow? Tonight. Wow. What docs do you work at?

Don't make fun of me, son, like that. I was waiting for that. It's good for these Irishmen to see what a beard looks like. Hey, don't insult our beards. I got this off of my wife's nipples. I'm pretty sure you guys wore the same thing during the Thanksgiving season

when you were turkeys on top of your heads. Maybe, I don't know. New fresh beards, Tony Hedgecraft. Podcast listeners, just picture it. So, Josh, let's talk about it. You've been doing stand-up for a year. Life's good. You perform in San Diego a lot.

Yeah, I just won a contest in L.A. Yeah, what contest? The U.S. Comedy Contest. U.S. Comedy Contest. It was at the Ice House. Oh, very cool. When I was a year, I once tried to do that, and I got second place, and that second place won a side of french fries.

I did that also. I got the burger. You got the burger? Yeah, first place. Fucking awesome. Congratulations. What do you do for work? I'm a bartender.

Oh, yeah. That's cool. How long have you been doing that for? Like six years. You drink? A lot. Yeah. I'm drunk as fuck right now.

Any cool drunken stories from your life? Like craziest thing you ever did being drunk? Craziest thing I ever did was ride on a motorcycle three deep with a schizophrenic guy in North Carolina. Three guys on one motorcycle at one time. We were each holding two six-packs. What time of the night was this? It was like 3.30 in the morning. Oh, my God.

Was the schizophrenic guy the one that had the handlebars? He was the one who had the bike. He said that he was running for president. Wow. So I was immediately interested. My privilege. I think he won. He did.

Wow. You guys made it safe? Yeah. We dropped two of the six packs, so not safe. You ever get in trouble from your drinking? You ever get arrested? Yeah. It's more than cocaine.

I can't tell if he's drunk, can you? I'm shaking like a motherfucker right now. Really? Yeah, I'm nervous as shit. I love this show. Say this mantra with me. Heart, stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blamones. Heart, stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blamones. Heart, stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blamones.

Heart, stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blamones. It takes it right out of you. I got it. I'm good. Well, yeah, you're the best writer of the night. Yeah, definitely. Best performance, in my opinion, of the night so far as well. Josh, what do you...

What's your love life like? I actually broke up with my girlfriend of three years about three months ago. Wow. And I got a new girlfriend two weeks later. Damn. What made you break up with your girlfriend of three years? Just it was enough, you know? Just wasn't enough?

No, it's enough. Oh, yeah? It was enough. Why? What was that? What do you think the final thing was? It was comedy. Yeah.

Yeah. She's like, you're not spending enough time with me. I need you, that kind of thing. Oh, yeah. And we'll see how that goes. Yeah. Gross. What a loser she is, right?

She's got a good job in Chittsburg. So this new girl, where'd you meet her at? Two weeks later. Where? At the bar that you were working at. Yeah, one of my servers, her best friend. Apparently she'd been lurking around for a while. Wow.

So once you became a free agent, you found out. Yeah. Like LeBron, I just go from team to team. Hell yeah. What was date number one like? Or did you just take her home from the bar that night? She actually came in and brought me gummy worms And a note that said call me with a number on it

Wow And for a guy that looks like you That bag of gummy worms means the shit's on Might as well have been a fucking wedding ring You were accepting Hell yeah Once you see that fucking bag of gummy worms It's love That's right So what happened? They were sour too thing. Once you see that fucking bag of gummy worms,

it's love. So what happened? They were sour, too. You called her that night? Yeah. How were the gummy worms? Did you like them? I didn't know whether to get them or not. When I called her that night, she said, please leave your message for

Juliette Simoes. It was like four in the morning. I got off. It was a voicemail joke. It was bad. How big is this girl? Huh? How large is this woman?

She's small. She's a small lady. Yeah? Interesting. The last one, though. Why is that interesting to you? Because it's the first date move. You're bringing over food,

you're bringing over bright sauerkraut. You're bringing over crawlers. You think a skinny girl is delivering that in your mind? No. In my mind, the largest woman in the world is delivering. It's like, do you like me? Do you like me? It's not a skinny lady.

Let me ask you this. Is the new girl that you got two weeks after the last one, is she smaller than the previous girl? Yeah, it is. That's a good thing. That's like the iPhone. When you move up, you always want it to be smaller. The better one.

The iPhone gets bigger, though? Smaller, sleeker. Right. Look at the look on Jeremiah's face right now. No headphone, Joe. I'm not buying it. What do you consider a skinny woman? Oh, you know, she was just 350 pounds.

You know, she's a light one. She's not too 80. She's not a lady. Light in the loafers. So, all right. And then what? Did you have sex with her that first night? No, it was like three times in.

Yeah, I picked up her stomach and I went right to town. So what else, Josh? What do you do for fun down in San Diego when you're not drinking and you're not doing comedy? When you're not guarding the wall. You shouldn't your girlfriend because you look like a wild ling. I just drink and do

a lot of drugs, man. You do. You drink and do a lot of drugs. Yeah. Let me stop doing that. So you're like Bam Margera on the inside and outside. I'm skinnier than Bam Margera. I love that. I got a question. Yeah.

When you ask everybody if they like cooking shows, why don't you just do your cooking show joke? That's it, yeah. All right. Thanks. It's really because

you're risking people going, no, we don't like that. Just do it. You're going to do it anyway. The subtext is, I like cooking shows. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. No, it's true. That question. I changed the last one, too, for this right here. The last one, it used to be garlic, or black garlic,

and then whatever, and then chickpeas, but it was garlic or butter before, and I feel like I said garlic too much. That's hilarious. Thanks, man. I'm fucking shaking up here. I'm next to Tom Herrera. What do you fucking imagine? Don't say garlic

too much. You might scare the last comic away. Josh Kreps ladies and gentlemen. His first time on Kill Tony. We're moving through it. It's been all first timers on the show so far. So why don't we do something fun? There's someone out there in the audience tonight who signed up for the show,

who I know I've seen on the show multiple times. We've had her on here multiple times, including since the first year that we were doing this show. So since we don't have a regular right now, why don't we bring her up to do a new minute? You know her, you love her. It's the great and powerful Misty Martinez, ladies and gentlemen. Hey kids.

Alright, so there's been a rash of porn star suicides lately, and I know what you're thinking. Why couldn't I have been one of them? But sometimes mental illness and porn go hand in hand I'm on bipolar medication but it only works 50% of the time so now I'm just bi and I also have a seizure disorder but before you start feeling bad for me just realize I save a lot of money on vibrators. But there's also, you know, some bad things that come with having mental illness and being in porn. Like, I have OCD, so I can't do glory hole scenes because I know how dirty men's restrooms are. But, you know, there's also some good things about having severe depression with being in porn.

You know, I give a lot of foot jobs, so that way it's more easy for me to pull a shotgun with my toe. Yeah. That's my time, guys. Fuck yeah. Missy Martinez. Is your back real? Huh? Is your back real? Huh?

Is your back real? My back? Yeah. My back? Yeah, I built like a refrigerator. I got to tell you, I'm a fan. Oh, thank you. You have excellent taste and are going to live forever.

You know what I like most of all is your scenes with other women. Thank you. Because, you know, to me it's not about the sex. It's about two women getting along that well. Rare. Rare. Rare. When worlds collide, you see Martinez and Dom I. Rare. I love that.

Yeah, I love how you always have a new minute about, and you're able to write about the shit that we actually want to hear about, which is, you know, your porn world. And in fact, Brian made no secret about it. He's next to me right now. You gonna tell the people what you're

holding? Oh, I've been using your pocket pussy the whole time. Yay! This is actually your vagina right here. That is my vagina. Fish smell sold separately. There you go. They molded her vagina. You just licked it. It's wet. And it's lubed up. That's the first time it's been wet in a long time.

There you go. How often do you get to hear a girl make a joke about her rubber pussy? You know what I mean? Why don't they call pocket pussies lipstickles? Red Band, this has reached an ungodly creepy level. Yes, it's very weird.

Whenever you're ready. This is one of the strangest things. Like, I consciously thought while you were doing that, did I really put on my green tights for this night? You've never used, like, a pocket pussy before? No, but not the cult. I haven't brought it to the lady and been like, this is your pussy that I have in my hand.

Well, Jeremiah, she... Look at the pussy. Isn't this you right here? Can you take a picture of me holding your pussy next to your pussy? Can you please? I'm just a lonely bridge troll. That's all I need.

Fuck, yeah. She gave me the pocket pussy. I did not bring it. That's all I need. Fuck yeah. She gave me the pocket pussy. It's true. Hey guys, it's just me or was that set kind of dirty? It was very dirty. Where can people find your pussy? Doc Johnson.

Besides all over the internet and behind 7-Elevens worldwide. ShopDocJohnson.com It's cool. It looks justJohnson.com Wow. It's cool. It looks just like it. And it's antibacterial silagell formula. Perfect hand health size.

You know what she told me backstage is that her and her guy actually put this inside of her vagina and he fucked the fake vagina inside of her real vagina. I'm a keeper. Wow. That's like when a baseball player puts the weight on the outside of the bat

and swings it around so that he's ready for when the actual thing happens. So much ambition for something so disgusting. Yes, exactly. Well, that's fun. What else is going on in the world? I don't know about you guys right now, but I am rock hard.

It's called plastic now. I think you mean Blarney Stone. So, like, how's work been? Work's been good. I'm actually making the step to directing now, so this fucked up mind's gonna go crazy. Wow. That's interesting.

What's something you'd like to shoot? You. I just want to push the boundaries. I want to get weird with it. Directing is like holding the iPhone nowadays, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get to tell people where to come now

instead of being told where it's going to come from. Not in the Hyundai. Get it out. Yeah. Were you ever in the Mother and Daughter Exchange Club? Yes. That is so... Could you tell them about that?

Because I think it's so beautiful to share. Well, when two people love each other very much... No, the Mother-Daughter Exchange Club is exactly what it sounds like. Mothers and daughters swap. So I don't want to fuck my daughter. I'm going to fuck your daughter. You fuck my mom.

Isn't that beautiful? Wow! That's a real thing? Well, it's a faux real thing. Oh. Wow. I love it when things are so powerfully weird that the whole audience goes completely quiet.

They're in shock right now. I could have taken a picture right at that moment of everybody's faces. The look on 100% of the audience's face is when the mother-daughter fuck club was mentioned. And explained. I mean, really, the explanation, it just, like, stuck. Now, when you guys do a film,

is it good to be at the end or at the beginning? You either want to be the first scene in the film or the last scene in the film, because usually the middle ones are fillers. That's, like, when the guy gets up to get a sandwich. What about if you just can't last more than the first scene? Yeah, so it's usually you want to be the opener or the closer, just like in comedy. You know so much about it, too.

I've been in for nine years. She's not just an actress, she's a producer. What? Seriously. I've been watching you since you were a kid. Oh, when I was a newbie. Thank you. I'm a fan. I'm a fan. Thank you. You have excellent taste.

Truth is, he really is. He's a, you know, we have Diana D'Armond right there also. Hey, Pier, Pier, Pier. All right, Misty. Well, right? In the audience. Hey, pier, pier, pier, pier. All right, Missy. Well, always fun. Thank you for having me, guys. Always interesting.

There you go. Keep doing it. Another great new minute from the stylings of Missy Martinez. Good job. Missy X Martinez. On Twitter and Instagram and all that good stuff. You know what? Before we go back to the bucket,

why don't we do something else fun? I'm going to bring up a guy who people have been hounding me about on the internet. He's done the show a couple times. You know him. You love him. I'm excited for Dom Ibarra to get to see this guy. A lot of people, including myself, are thinking

that this is a very, very promising young comedian. Put your hands together for the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen. -♪ I'm the king of the king of the city, I'm the king of the city of sight, I'm the king of the king of the night, the shit is over, but you ain't got a good time,

because you ain't trying. What up? Huh. What's up? You ever feed a homeless dude and he still complain? Other day I gave this homeless guy some fries. He was like, hey man, my fries cold. I said, oh yeah?

Well take them home and heat them up. I know a dude with bad teeth, but his breath smell good. His teeth look like a Stila jersey, but his breath smell like watermelon. I'd be like, come here and give me a kiss. I used to work at McDonald's. White women come to McDonald's and make beets when they order. I'd be like, hey, welcome to McDonald's. They'd be like, um, yeah, let me get a...

And then they'd ask questions. How's the salad? Bitch, it's green, I don't know. Other day, I was walking down the street, cop told me freeze, I froze. Then he told me to put my hands up. I said, officer, I'm froze, you gotta unthaw me. Malcolm Hatchet. Malcolm Hatchet dropping the hammer on

Kill Tony for the third time in a row. Fuck yeah, Malcolm. Fuck yeah. You are a badass motherfucker, dude. Dress like when the Fresh Prince literally got dropped off in Bel Air.

Malcolm, I'm, again, amazing set. Let's get that out of the way first. Unbelievable fun stuff. We love everything about your stand-up. I'm going to tell you guys something. Malcolm, I started following him on Instagram, and I thought it was funny the first time on the show, one of the first things that you talked about,

I asked you what you do for work, and you gave an answer. It was, I eat Carl's Jr. and I quit jobs. Yeah. Or I quit jobs and eat Carl's Jr. And I'm like, that's funny. That's a funny thing that he said that night. And I remember I asked you, like, how many jobs have you quit?

And you go, like like I think you said something like 15 or 20 this year so far and again everybody laughed. I've been following you on Instagram for a couple weeks and I've watched all of your Instagram stories and I fucking extremely highly recommend anybody who's on Instagram to immediately

follow him. Malcolm H12 on Instagram. And since I've been following him on Instagram and watching his stories over the last two weeks, I have seen him only eat fast food and I've seen him quit about seven jobs. In two fucking weeks. I'm not kidding.

This shit is unbelievable. He's working weddings, getting in trouble, taking videos of himself while the wedding's going on, working at a warehouse, getting shit done, getting fired, quitting, everything. It is a goddamn anomaly. You are your own walking TV show.

I love everything about it. How's life been since the last time we saw you? Fuck them jobs. Dude, Malcolm, honestly, I just got fired. I just got fired from working weekends at my place and when they were telling me I thought of you to kind of soften the blow so I want to say you're just you're out there fighting the good fight man who needs to work you know fuck it you're an inspiration anything else in life going on like I mean uh I got to meet your girlfriend

yeah she just went back home today yeah Did you drop her off at the airport? Yeah. L.A.X. Yeah, of course. You're probably not springing for that ticket out of Burbank, right? Hell no. I was wondering which airport you went to. Thanks for clearing that up. Yeah, L.A.X.

For those of you that don't know, the other times that we met Malcolm, we found out that he just moved here from North Carolina and sleeps in his car. Really? Next to a gym. Yep. Trying to move in? But he keeps it clean. Even if he has friends over his place, he makes them take their shoes off before they get in the car. This is all Malcolm. Where in North Carolina?

Winston-Salem. Outside of Charlotte. I know where it is. Yeah. Yeah, cool. Fuck, yeah. Did you go to college down there? No. Well, I went to community college, but I know where it is. Yeah. Yeah, cool. Fuck, yeah. Did you go to college down there? No, well, I went to community college, but I quit there, too.

He quits everything, Dom. He quits everything. Anything else happen this past week? It was good having your girl here? Yeah, it was cool. She came. She actually came. I had an open mic, and I got booked that same night on the show and she seen it because no one would have called her.

She was like, oh, I see what you be talking about. Okay, you doing it. Let me ask you this. How long was she... You thought she didn't... No, she do, but she be tired of the shit so she got to see it. She was like, mm-hmm. Right. Now you sleep in your car.

Did she sleep in the trunk? No, it was crazy. For the first two days she got here, my homeboy let me crash at his place because he was out of town. She had a lot of money. I was like, let's get an Airbnb. She was like, nah, you stay in your car. I want to stay here with you. I was like, well shit, let the seat back and go to sleep. She stayed in the passenger seat with you.

That is fucking love. She came in December and she slept in the car for two weeks too. You better put a ring on that. Wow. I had to roll the windows down She came in December and she slept in the car for two weeks too. You better put a ring on that. Wow. I had to roll the windows down because some breath stinks. You know that it... Breath.

You know that in the end, it's better that you're bad at these jobs. You know that. Yeah. Because if you were good, then you end up doing that shit and that's not what you want. So keep quitting.

Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, the last job was cool, but the dude yelled at me. What was that job? We was making like fucking, we made like dry fruit. It was some healthy shit, I don't know. I was working there, right? I parked in the parking lot

the first day. It was cool. Then the next day, I got there like 10 minutes early, parked in the parking lot. He was like, no, park down the street. So I went down the street. It said no parking, but I seen all the cars parked. So I parked and I went in. I asked this dude, I was like, yo, can I park down there and say no parking? He said, yeah, you good. And the dude was like, do you work here or not, dude?

I said, hell no, I quit. And I just left. It was early in the morning. I ain't eight. Shit. He was tripping. Do you ever quit a job and then go to your car and you're just so tired

that you just immediately sleep in your car right outside of the job still? I gotta joke about that, but yeah. I just write jokes after I quit. I'm like, this shit funny. Let me put this down. Malcolm, it's like all the times I've wanted to quit, you actually just

did it. It's amazing. the times I've wanted to quit, you actually just did it. Yeah. And it's like, it's amazing. I've had moments where I'm about to leave and you just left. Yeah, my W-2s are fucked up. Man. Dude.

I'm scared to go to H&R Block. Yeah, fuck that shit. I ain't got time. I ain't found my taxes yet. You son of a bitch. I fucking love you. I'm obsessed with you. You know, it's one of those crazy fucking things.

So, everything's good? Life's good? Yeah, life's good. Cars, Jones, still thugging. You know me. People love you on the internet, man. You know this, right? The random strangers hitting me up about you all the time.

Tony, I have a question. How do you stay fly? Because you're pretty fly every time you talk to me. I be going to the thrift shops. I get enough money to get an outfit. Yeah, you always have a good outfit. This shit was $2, though. Fuck yeah.

I love it, man. I love it. Alright, well, I don't know. What do you say we do something fun? And this reminds me of something crazy where every once in a while, one of my favorite entertainment things, pro wrestling, every once

in a while, Vince McMahon on a Monday night Raw do something crazy that makes people excited enough to watch Raw every single week so that they don't just watch the big things. I'm finna fight? No. We here. I don't really wanna wait

to the five year anniversary show to see you do a new minute on this show every single week. And if you'd be down, I say we just make it official right now that you're a new regular on this show. Standing ovation. Let it be known that Malcolm Hatchett is the first ever, ever male regular on the show. The first ever African American regular on the show.

Oh, the claps just died out a little bit on that part. Crossing the gender and racial boundaries here on Kill Tony. I mean, I just find you so fucking interesting, and I think it'll be a fun little challenge, fun thing for you to come out and get a new minute every week and perform in front of some of the best comedians. I have the idea that you're going to blow up real quick

and get a lot of road work from doing this show a lot, so I'm excited that you're going to be part of it. How about that? Cool? New minute every single week from now on from Malcolm Hatchett. You'll see him on the five-year anniversary show where maybe we'll announce another regular. Maybe not. Who the fuck knows?

Fuck it. It's the fucking Malcolm show now. That's the future right there. You guys ready to go to the bucket one more time? Have a human being try to follow that shit? Some innocent beast? He's the best I've ever seen on the show.

No, it's just ridiculously entertaining. I'm telling you, follow him on Instagram. Click on the top things. If you don't watch people's stories, you have to watch that guy's fucking stories. Truly funny human being. It's like a real show where he just quits jobs and eats fast food.

I can't even believe it's real. It's always a different fucking job. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Matt Price. Thank you. I'm a magician and I'm sorry cool, alright, let's get out of this ready, check it out

watch, these cigarettes are a bad habit every time I try to put them away they come right back it's weird no one ever claps at that. It's cool. We'll take it a little bit farther. Watch it go. If I squeeze it like this, look.

Did I get it? Kind of, yeah. All right, I'll take it one step further. Look, I squeeze the cigarette. Look, not here. Not here. Here. I'll do one more for you because I, there we go.

Why not, right? Here we go. Why not, right? Here we go. Watch it go. Look. People go, Matt, can you do that lit? I say, what makes you think I'm not? Personal favorite. You guys seem to like the gross stuff here.

Watch it go. Look. That's all I got with this cigarette. I appreciate it. Thank you. Wow. Man, if you were a good magician, you would have made Malcolm reappear.

No, I'm kidding. No, I love it. Is this your first time seeing the show? I think you're the first magician that we've ever had on other than the great Justin Wilman. I've heard it a couple times. Very cool. Where are you from? Florida.

That's amazing. Do you have... It seemed like you were really shoving it in your nose. Am I correct? There's no fucking way, though, right? I'm just glad it looked good from back there. Very good sleight of hand. Very impressive.

It does not play well on a podcast, I'm sure. So for you listeners. My buddy Mikey McKernan told me to come on. Oh, that's cool. And so did my buddy Preacher too. Yeah, Preacher Lawson, Mikey McKernan,

you're dropping them. You want to pick up those names you just dropped? I'll do it every week if that's what it takes, you fucks. I'm just saying that that's how I know about the show. No, of course. No, absolutely.

What do you do for work? I'm actually a magician. A full-time magician. Yeah, I just... A minute's super hard for a magician. No, of course. I understand. So I just did what I was like. You know what? I'll give it a shot and have some fun. I got on a potluck earlier.

Potluck, you say? I'm a full-time leprechaun. I feel like you were, you say? I'm a full-time leprechaun. I'm a full-time leprechaun. Things are coming up green. Okay. So, Matt, how long have you been a magician for?

I've been doing magic for 16 years. We all start really young. Now it's something you get in. It's just all the slights and stuff. I knew I was sitting there. I was like, I'm going to have to follow that guy. I just know it for some reason. Really? It's called magician's intuition.

Yeah, there you go. I just felt it. I was like, I know I'm going up next. I don't know what it was. I was like, shit, I'm going to have to follow this guy. Have you ever used magic, say, to get ahead on something, like pay a bill or scam somebody? Have you ever done a scam type question?

I've been street performing for a long time, so that's what's been paying my bills. I street performed my way from Florida to here two years ago. Wow. How much for a blowjob? No. What part of Florida

are you from? Fort Myers. St. Patty's Day Reagan. And so now, do you still street perform? A little bit, but not as much as I used to, yeah.

You get regular work somewhere now? Yeah, I do clubs mainly. Oh, very cool. Just a feature spot for now. Do you have a sex trip? Right before you have a sexy pull-out condom. Do you ever do anything weird?

Yeah, exactly. Do you do your cigarette trick with girls' assholes and things like that? No. Make your dick appear bigger? I mean, that happens with time, I guess. But no, I don't know where I was going. You ever swallow swords?

Yeah, you have any weird specialties? Anything that you specialize in? I have one guy that's like the master of paper. His name is Blake Boat. B-O-G-T. Blake Boat. Yeah.

Ah, the stormy seas. Yeah. Just stuff that you find laying around. You know what I mean? Like cigarettes, coins. Dead hookers. Rubber pussies. You know, everything just laying around your house.

Just what you see laying around, you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. What's your love life like? Do magicians get a lot of pussy? I mean, I don't do bad. I don't feel like. Rabbits are rather fond. Yeah.

Man, this is just... I'm an easy target. Do you use any animals for your magic? No. Are you just saying that? I can hardly feed myself. What do you mean, use? I'm not going to take care of a damn animal.

You live by yourself? No, I got two roommates. Two roommates. Are they magicians? I just stopped living in the car, so that's cool. Are they magicians too? No, they're comics. That's your greatest magic trick is stop living in a car.

Yeah, it's true. What kind of car were you living in? Saturn View. Whoa. There were two other people in it, man. It was me and two other people. You man the good thing about the guy who's meeting two other people you live with three people in the interview yeah horrible view for four months Wow you know the good thing about living in a

car is you can always view Saturn when all right forget it it's hard to do a Saturn view joke I scream at this this hour. I feel better about some of the stuff I did. Do you ever cut a woman in half and realize you've just committed cold blood murder? Nah, nah, no. Answering the age-old question, what if Jim Gaffigan met Benjamin Buttons? No, it's true.

How old do I look, Tony? Take a real guess, though. I like that you said Tony. So I'm going to guess 29. Nah, man. Now I feel like shit. Alright, 23. Wow, okay.

Shit. Yeah, by the way, definitely don't ask people how old you look. Start wearing hats and get some lotion. Would it hurt your feelings more if I told you that I'm usually pretty good at guessing people's ages? Like, I'm pretty fucking always spot on. It's an illusion. It's the beard.

I'm just hoping. I'm hoping it's the beard. I cross my fingers in praise. When did you start growing out the beard? Dude, I grew out... I'm crazy hairy, bro. This happened... I cut it... I cut it.

I cut it about a couple weeks ago. Was it after your gerbil died? What else are you into? Magicians use gerbils now. What else are you into other than magic and comedy or whatever? Well, I mean, I found that you would kind of appreciate this. I used to be a part of a wrestling promotion. Go on. Yeah.

What did you do in the wrestling promotion? Well, I was setting up the ring and learning how to take bumps and such. Really? So you were going to be a wrestler at one point? Yeah, way before this bass panned out. Was your wrestler name The Missing Chromosome? I never got it.

Thanks, guys. As a magician, you're going to wrestle with financial difficulty the rest of your life. Shout out to my wrestling friends over there from the Store Horseman podcast, Matt Edgar and Chris Burns. Do you have a move that you specialized in or anything like that? Nope. Didn't make it that far. Are you ladies ready to be creeped out? Like anything like that? Didn't make it that far, man. didn't make it that far. Are you ladies ready to be creeped out? Like anything like that? Didn't make it that far, man.

Didn't make it that far. Give it up for Crow Magman. Fucking Rick Hare or something like that? Nope, never made it that far, man. What's the national fruits of Ireland? I was literally just setting up... Give it up for allergic to bee sting. I was literally just setting up the ring and stuff like that.

Taking bumps. Put your hands together for Bother McGregor. Bother McGregor? No, I love it. Don't be mad at it. Don't walk off. I'm never sure. Bother McGregor.

That's fun, man. You didn't come up with a wrestling character? You took bumps, you set up the ring, you never thought, man, if I was going to be a wrestler... They didn't encourage you. It wasn't encouraged. It was more like learn the craft and then apply everything else to it.

Wow. Jeremiah? Give it up for Iz He Gay Mysterio. Oh, yeah. I get it, because Reagan Gay Son of a... I get it. I'm on it. Are you gay? No.

Oh. No. Yeah, but that was... You were seriously curious. That's why the joke landed. I love you. You want to make out? My favorite wrestler is Hornswoggle.

You're working as a magician, so you won't make out very well. Financially, that is. It's getting better. I went from a car to a couch. It's getting better. Do you get paid car to a couch. It's getting better. Do you get paid gigs? What's that?

Do you get paid gigs? Yeah. Yep, yep. In September, I'm doing a Florida tour back in my old hometown. Oh, very cool. That's in September. Yep. Where can people get tickets for that at?

You can check it out. You can find it on my like page on Facebook. Oh, okay. Well. One Matt Price. Matt Price. Or Instagram. One Matt Price. Instagram, one Matt Price. I'm sure they'll find you immediately on Facebook when they look up Matt Price, you dumb motherfucker.

One Matt Price. One Matt Price on Facebook. All we need is Matt Price. And Instagram and Twitter, too. There you go. For those of you listening to the podcast that loved his magic, go get tickets by looking up.

That's cool. Matt Price. Matt, that's your time. Nice to have you on the show. Thanks for signing up, man. That was awesome. Great magic. Probably better for America's Got Talent than Kill Tony, but we did it anyway. That's Matt Price.

You heard where you can find him. Josh Martin's going to be with me this weekend in Seattle at Bellevue's Comedy Club. Look at that drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt. Spur of the moment. Without knowledge, he made it about the leprechauns and about

us. There's another classic Dom Irera pic that we got. Have you seen Kill Tony, the book yet? You gotta see this. You're on a Tony, the book, yet? You got to see this. You're on a ton of the pictures. Yeah, seven of them for once. It's so cool, right? We're going to get you one.

And for those of you out there, you could get the book, ryanjebelt.com, for that. Skankfest, the weekend of July 14th. Kill Tony goes to Phoenix, April 5th. Nashville, Tennessee, April 21st. September 29th in Fort Worth, August 4th in Fort Wayne, the one that I said earlier in Detroit, and all those other dates are at TonyHinchcliffe.com and other fun places.

Dom Irera is going to be in Las Vegas the first weekend of April and Rochester, New York. All those tickets are available at DomIrera.com. D-O-M-I-R-R-E-R-A. What else, Dom? I'll be in Kilkenny for the first week after Memorial Day. You'll be in Kilkenny, Ireland. Yeah, the Irish show. Fucking greatest people in the world.

And they do actually, they don't have those accents like you were doing. They do like real accents. Arr. I love you guys. We do love those guys. We're going to be in Providence, Rhode Island too. I'm going to be in Providence too. I love that club, the Comedy Connection.

Yeah, that's right. Fuck yeah. So come see all of us in Providence. I'm there April 13th and 14th and a bunch of other stand-up dates that I'm doing. Jeremiah's coming with me to what is it, Salt Lake City? Fuck yeah. That's in a few weeks. That's going to be a fun one. I'm actually going to be, I believe

there's a slight chance I might be videotaping some of those sets to who knows, maybe make another special that you can make jokes about, Jeremiah. Jeremiah Watkins, why don't you plug the other stuff you have going on. Follow me on social media at Jeremiah Stand

Up and listen to my new podcast, Jeremiah stuff you have going on. Follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp and listen to my new podcast, Jeremiah Wonders. Latest episode with Stephen Kramer Glickman. It is awesome. People are raving about that show. Jeremiah has characters call in and you get to see a wide range of his

skill set. It is an awesome show. And then Dom Irer will be doing Stand Up On The Spot with me in Austin, Texas as part of the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Fuck yeah, Patty Reagan. What's the national fruit of Ireland?

What? The cranberries! Ah! Shout out to that awesome band. Fuck yeah, I love the cranberries. Also, the Reagan and Watkins album, we are recording it next month, so it'll be out later this summer, y'all. Oh, yes.

Our debut album. It's a fun show. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. Look at him back there. Come on, you can clap one more time. We made you laugh for fucking five bucks. Ungrateful bastards. Hey, Tony.

Yes. I want to give a shout out to Dano in Auckland, New Zealand, and Nick Jamone in Santiago, Chile. Thanks for watching. I'll be here next week. Peace out. Fuck yeah. Brian Redband.

Hey, if you want to see Malcolm do a set this week at the Ice House Friday for the Death Squad show, see you guys. And how about one more time for your new Kill Tony regular, Malcolm Hatchet. Unbelievable. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,hey,hey, Thank you.