KILL TONY - KILL TONY #257

Episode Date: March 30, 2018

Big Jay Oakerson, Luis J Gomez, Sam Tripoli, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 03/26/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website,Squad.tv There you have all the past episodes Including video portions of all the shows And you can also click on tour dates Not only do we do Kill Tony Every Monday at the world famous comedy store

But we also go on the road And we do Kill Tony on the road all the time Including April 5th We're going to be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix Followed by some shows At the Tempe Improv that weekend And then we're going to be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, followed by some shows at the Tempe Improv that weekend. And then we're going to be at the Nashville Comedy Festival, April 19th, and a bunch of dates. Just go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates.

Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website. He's got his tour dates and everything up there for himself. He's going to be all over the place. He's going to be in Providence. He's going to be at Wise Guys and Spokane and Punchline. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. Don't forget to go to his website and check out every episode he draws. And he also has a book. He also has a poster. It's pretty sweet. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And then last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe.

Go there, get some hats, get the Kill Tony shirt. We've got a bunch of stuff over there. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the real famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Hi, everybody. Come on.

Make some fucking noise. Here we are. It's Monday night. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Brian Red Band sitting right next to me. The great Ryan J.E. Belt is drawing tonight's episode. I'm excited about the state of Kill Tony.

So much fun stuff happening. Welcome, welcome everybody. You guys excited to be here? Absolutely. Kill Tony's taking over America this Thursday. We're doing a Kill Tony live in Phoenix, Arizona. We're doing stand-up after that for a couple days of Tempe Improv.

All of us doing stand-up. April 21st is Nashville, Tennessee. Kill Tony live in Nashville. I'm also doing stand-up in Providence between there, and I'm doing stand-up in Salt Lake City and Spokane. Salt Lake City with Jeremiah, Spokane with Josh Martin. And we announced three new Kill Tonys last week, and I am about to announce another one right now. Kill Tony is going to, on May 11th, Las Vegas,

Nevada. Vegas has wanted a Kill Tony for almost five years. They got one. You ready for this? Another Kill Tony on the road. We are returning to francisco california on may 19th we sold out san fran just about a year ago we had so much fun with uh the new parents moshe kesher and natasha leggero and uh so that's exciting don't forget kill tony's also in Fort Wayne, Indiana. That is August 9th. And September 22nd, Detroit, Michigan gets its own Kill Tony. And should we announce the guest for that show? Our guest comedian for Detroit's Kill Tony, live from the Motor City Comedy Festival, will be Danny Brown.

Yeah. Rapper sensation, friend of the show. Fucking unbelievable. That's going to be so much fun. It's going to be so much fun. Rapper sensation, friend of the show. Fucking unbelievable. It's going to be so much fun. And Fort Worth, Texas. You have your own Kill Tony on September 29th. And don't forget Los Angeles. June 18th is the five year anniversary

of Kill Tony. Have fun here in the main room. That's going to be a blowout. You're going to get to see the new brand spanking new regular, Malcolm, here tonight. And for five-year anniversary, we made him the regular just last week pretty spontaneously. It felt right. Are you hiring? Are you posting your position to job sites and waiting and waiting for the right people to see it? ZipRecruiter knows what you're looking for, identifies people with

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That's Squarespace.com. Enter the code kill and you save all that money. It's so easy. My mom actually made one in less than an hour. That's how easy it is. I was just on the phone going, all right, now do this, do that. My mom made one too. And my mom also makes the best spaghetti sauce in the world. I don't know if you know this. Sometimes she freezes it and sends it to me in a frozen container all the way from Youngstown, Ohio. I let it thaw out. I make it myself. And it's so delicious. And a lot of the other...

That's like, what, three meals out of the year, though. A lot of the other time you have to improvise. That's why I go with Blue Apron. They deliver fresh, pre-portioned ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your door that can be cooked under 45 minutes. The menu changes every week based on what's in season. It's designed by Blue Apron's in-house culinary team. Yeah, and they give you these really cool recipes, like these books or these

sheets. And if you really like the recipe, you just keep it and you can remake it. We had fillies last night. And I've never made, you know, I've always used steakums. I never really made a filly from like real meat and stuff. Philly cheesesteak. Philly cheesesteak. And fuck, it was so good. So delicious. I mean, one of the recipes I had was the chicken and baked broccoli.

Oh, yes. And they made the baked broccoli. The recipe is so good. I've been eating broccoli like four times a week now. I know. Because I just bake broccoli, squeeze a little lemon on it, some salt and pepper afterwards. It's unbelievable. Healthy snack, you know, makes you feel good.

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A lot of plugs on this one because you're at the number one live podcast in the world. And just like we've given you every single week forever, there's always a hilarious band and always two of the funniest comedians in the world are here for you. And tonight is no different. Our brothers from many different mothers from New York City, they've been on this show many a times,

the leaders of Skank Fest and the Legion of Skanks and the Bonfire and all the great things that they do. Put your hands together for the great and powerful Big Jay Oakerson and Luis Che Gomez. Here we go. They're back. Yeah. Yeah. Woo! here we go they're back yeah woo skank hands

I don't even know how to do it exactly 100% right welcome back gentlemen they're here thank you for having us welcome back guys what's up Los Angeles let's get some fucking energy in this place.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. We're about to ruin some comedian dreams. I love it. Louis is a Puerto Rican cheerleader for everything. Come on, you fuckers. Feel it. You guys are masters of the craft. And on top of everything, my favorite thing in the world,

the Comedian Built by Louis J. Gomez, I think especially over there, really has a lot of dirt on his hands from this project. Last year we raved about it on this show for fucking months. Skankfest is coming up again, the second annual Skankfest Comedy Festival, a festival truly built by comedians for comedians, and I know that sounds like an ad that I'm reading,

but from the heart, it's the coolest fucking show. And that kickoff party is the 13th of July this year, and the festival goes from the 14th to the 15th. Unconfirmed rumors that Kill Tony will be reappearing there, even though we guaranteed that we would be back next year on last year's episode live, because we had so much fun during it. Who knows what's going to happen at this year's Skank Fest?

Anything can happen. Bigger and better. All we know is that we would love to have Kill Tony there. If the powers that be can make this shit come together. If Ari Shafir lets it happen, then we will be there. Yeah, he's in charge this year, I heard. Yes. Did you guys... Were you there last year through the entire...

The whole... The naked roast battle? Yeah. The poop and the piss. There's blood and piss. Get a flight now if you can. Hell yeah. Hopefully, if we make it out there, hopefully some of the band members will be there. I know Jeremiah was there last year

and he's part of this whole crazy thing. We have a band on this show. Every single week, they commit to doing different characters and do jokes through those characters. You never know what's going to happen with them. Here they are. It's the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah

Watkins, Joel Jimenez, Joel Berg, and Chroma Chris, the Kill Tony Band. Here we go. Oh! Wow! Nerds! For sure!

Wow! Look at this! That is incredible. Fuck yeah! They're definitely nerds tonight. I'm very excited about this. We have Jeremiah Watkins looking like Ronald McDonald before he puts the makeup on. tonight. I'm very excited about this. We have Jeremiah Watkins looking

like Ronald McDonald before he puts the makeup on. Pat Reagan doing his best D.B. Cooper impression jumping out of planes. We have Joel Berg who's clearly the lady that shot Selena. Biddy biddy bam bam.

Tony Hinchcliffe and his baby blue jumper. 0 for 1 over there, nerd. You fucking dork. Alright, so the band is in session and what else? Should we just get this fucking thing started? Everything's in position.

We have a bucket filled with names and we pull the name out of the bucket a comedian perhaps it's a crazy person it's their first time maybe it's a genius and they've been doing it 30 years and this is their first time in la you never know what's going to happen if i pull your name out of the bucket you get 60 seconds of stage time wrap it up then or Kitten. Meow. So stupid. You had one job. And wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Roar! I guess we just don't have sound effects tonight. All these ads that I read, and clearly we're working off of an old iPad. So let's just get this party started. Do you want one of us to take a look at that? Oh, you know how to fix that? Yeah. Oh, shit.

Oh, it looks like somebody's one for one now. Oh, well, actually, if you were a real nerd, you would know that the statistic would be one for two. And if you were a real nerd, you'd know that that's not a statistic. And you would know the real differences between a positive and a negative. Okie dokie. You guys ready to start this show or what? We got the Legion of Skanks,

a bunch of nerds, Josh Martin running around. Here we are. My hand goes in the bucket. Your first comedian getting to perform an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight. Wow! Look at the black Sharpie ink.

It's been a while since we've seen her. The queen of some of the great personalities that we've met. One of the baddest bitches on the planet. I believe she's like 65 fucking years old. Put your hands together for the great and powerful, one of our favorites. It's Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit.

Here we go. I feel like this is going to be a fun night. How y'all doing? I got a PCA announcement, a Dr. King PCA announcement for the white people. Y'all gotta stop touching my afro. I done told you white people this is 29.95. There's no excuse for messing up black people's afro. Go in the hood and get you one for 29.95. Okay, I don't need to keep telling y'all this. I got another thing, PCA announcement about what happened to me as a little kid

going to these schools being bussed out with the little white children. They're trying to touch us with their little white hands. I'm touching our eyebrows. What's wrong with y'all white people? I'm serious. You're chromatizing me with this now. I can't take it no more. Had to fight the little white children. Had to beat their little white ass on the

playground. And then they got cool. They got cool. Because we don't play. We don't play. Don't be calling us that N-word. We'll get y'all white people eventually. It's more y'all than it is us. That's alright. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Alright.

Hell yeah. How many children have touched your afro this week, Aphrodite? What's going on over there? I don't know what's going on. They all want to come up to me like I'm white Jesus and be trying to touch my afro. How tall are these children that they can touch your afro? Or do they go to Harlem Globetrotters? I didn't figure that out yet, Tony.

I didn't figure that out yet. Wow. You know, the little gray children from the little... You have that thing that you did last time where you're like... Like those pitches when you do your material. Anyway, so... All right, yeah.

If it doesn't work once, try it again. Statistically, that is a good thing to do. Thank you, Jeremiah. Tony, I've heard of Black Panther, but Black Cougistically, that is a good thing to do. Thank you, Jeremiah. Tony, I've heard of Black Panther, but Black Cougar, this is ridiculous. He is. I'm the real Cougar. Big J, is this your first time seeing Aphrodite? No, I've seen her before, and I'm glad to see

she's recovering nicely from those Ike Turner beatings. Oh, man. That's cold-blooded. I shot the shit out of Ike. That's why everything's good. No, Aphrodite, I like you. You got comedy like plaid owl, if I can describe it any way.

Thank you. Thank you. Louis J., what do you think about Aphrodite up here? I gotta be honest with you. I did not understand a word you said. I don't know if it was the angle of the speakers, but it was very confusing, but for some reason, but it was very confusing.

But for some reason, I laughed the whole time. Because all you heard was, mmm, well, now sugar. How do you not laugh at that cadence? You know what it was? I feel like I was supposed to order food from you at a diner in the 50s. See, you were busy looking at mine.

I'll bring all the butter. No, you got sidetracked by my 250-pound my... That's what you want right now? I'll bring all the butter. No, you got sidetracked by my 250-pound ass. That's why you didn't understand what I said. I was staring at that ass. Wow. The acid alone is 250 pounds,

by the way. Aphrodite, I guess I agree with Louis J. a bit. I really don't understand really exactly a lot that you were saying. So, is the Afro 29.95? Is that what you're

saying? I'm trying to convince white people they ain't got to keep messing up my Afro. I work hard at this. What's $29.95? That's how much it costs to get one of these. I can't believe I paid more for my wig. To get one of those what? Afros. Is that separate from your hair? Is that your hair?

I told you it's crazy glued on. It's $29.95. I paid that much for it. Youros! Is that separate from your hair? Is that your hair? I told you it's crazy glued on. It's $29.95. I paid that much for it. You actually use crazy glue? Hell yeah! She uses regular glue, but when she uses it, it's crazy glue. All her glue is crazy glue. You can't have the wind blowing your afro down the street

and shit. Once again, that was one of the times I didn't know what she said. I heard the weird boom down the afro down the street and shit. Jeremiah? Once again, that was one of the times I didn't know what you said. I heard the weird boom down the street and shit. Jeremiah? The moment's passed, Tony. So, wow. How often do you have to replace your afro with a new one?

Well, actually, you can keep it a while if you wash it, you know. So I got a new one already. Is that real hair? It's really $29.95. No, it's not real hair. I need to know a woman's ivory secret. It's drain gatherings. Hey, Tony.

Yes. Hey, can I hit on Aphrodite? Is that allowed? Yeah, go ahead, you nerd. Okay. He's coming already. Aphrodite. Hey, Aphrodite I'm an astronomist And I would love to study your black hole Oh

Yeah Yeah baby Aphrodite What would you do to this little boy If you took him back to your place? Well, you know how I do it with the white people. I got to take his wallet first. Oh, shit.

Hell yeah. Yeah. I feel like you remind me of Big J's impression of a black woman. What's your impression? Oh, it's working. Look at that. Look at that. Keep on singing.

Keep on singing. Was that $29.95? No, no. This is going to cost you some Donald Trump motherfucking money. Donald Trump money. This shit ain't cheap. Oh, wow. Fuck.

Here's the truth, Donnie. Let me give you some positive about wow. Fuck. Here's the truth, Tony. Let me give you some positive about Aphrodite. This is the truth. Undoubtedly, she's a funny person. Very funny person. That is one thing that I think is lost in comedy today. I think you have to be funny. Day one, all of your friends have to think you're a funny motherfucker.

Everyone has to say to you, hey, you're really the funniest person we know. You should do this. And I think 90% of the comics, they weren't that person. And I think that is the most important fucking thing. And whereas, I don't know how long you've been doing comedy, super confident. I don't know what the fuck you're saying. Over a year now.

Super confident. Over a year? That's incredible, because you're making people laugh. You're super entertaining. If you could slow down and learn how to speak the English language. Oh, hell no. If you could make yourself understandable to just three people in this audience.

You could change lives. To her credit, she can't hear what she's saying because it's covered in hair. That's right. Plus, I have trouble with the English language. The English language is not easy for us. Eagle-eye slave? What is that? Your Yahoo password?

Eagle-eye slavery? Aphrodite, how do you sleep at night? How do you keep that thing so round? Do you sleep in a massage chair or something? That's her pillow. It's built into her head. No, I spray it with like a Lysol. What?

Lysol? Yeah. Holy shit. Is that strange or something? She doesn't sleep in that. That's on a cardboard cutout of herself next to her bed. Yeah. No, it's got an embalming fluid in it. That's on a cardboard cutout of herself next to her bed. Yeah. It's got embalming fluid in it. That's how I get it.

Obama fluid? Yeah. That's my story. I'm sticking to it. Four more years. What's Obama fluid? Well, you know, you get dead and they all bomb you. You get dead. Embalming fluid. Embalming. Embalming.

God, it's embalming fluid. Come on, don't they do that? I, it's embalming fluid. Obama. Am I wrong? Don't they do that? I thought it was a new brand of grape drink. Did President Obama jerk off in your hair? Yeah. Obama fluid.

Unrelated, yes? Yeah. You spray it with embalming fluid? Yeah. You don't want it to fold while you're sleeping. You got Obama. What the fuck? Oh, my God.

Wow. Did I say something wrong? Nope. This is some dark shit up here. I can't do it. I don't do well. It's so dark. All right.

Embalming fluid. Where do you buy embalming fluid at? The mortuary. Where else you go get this shit? From her PCP dealer, obviously. I know people dip joints into embalming fluid. Yeah, they call it a sherm. Oh, do you do that? Have you ever done that? Hell no. I know people dip joints into a bombing fluid. Yeah, they call it Sherm. Oh, do you do that? No, I'm strictly marijuana. Fuck all

that psychedelic shit. I ain't trying to go crazy. I'm already over 60. That's crazy motherfucking enough right there. Wait, how old are you? I'll be 63 in October. Ew. Holy shit. I still got that ass. Hey!

Fuck yeah, you do. My ass is 25. You're going to break a hip. All right, Aphrodite. I'll be breaking motherfuckers off. Everything else in life good? You're having fun? Oh, man, I'm singing with Top Shelf Brass Band.

I love that. The brass band that was here one night. Thank you, Jeremiah. Hell yeah, there you go. He's still calming. Can I give you one little line from my last song, please? Jesus, you little 63-year-old turned into a little baby girl just now? You're a secret shirt.

Ladies and gentlemen, giving us a little line from her new show. It's the powerful Aphrodite. Hey, hey, hey. Keep on going, baby. You don't answer your phone. Keep on playing with me, baby. Soon I'll be gone. There you go. There you go.

There you go. Hell yeah. Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. She's on Twitter at Aphrodite Love. There she goes. That high-pitched scream could make a baby deer come. You would know. You're an astrophysicist. Hey, Jeremiah.

What nerd info? Hey, Jeremiah. This is an impression of a black woman clearing her throat. There you go. That's my nerd Patty Reagan right there. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Michael Regilio. Here we go. He's coming to the stage.

Michael Regilio, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. Clap your hands for him. It's Michael Regilio, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. Clap your hands for him. It's Michael Regilio. Thank you. You guys, I'm going to try. I'm going to try very hard to put a little energy into this set. But to be honest with you, I ate something last night that didn't really agree with me.

It was a feminist. So no big deal there. Hey, I have a new favorite drink. I don't know if they make it here. It's called the JFK. It's real simple. It's just three shots that idiots won't shut up about. So, no big deal there.

Let's see. I went to an all-lesbian stand-up comedy show the other night. Or as I like to call it, a play. A play there. I was going to tell you guys about the hardest day of my life. Five boners, so none too shabby there.

I was at a restaurant the other night. Waiter was a Mexican gentleman. Towards the end of the meal, he came up to me and said, excuse me, you Finnish? I said, no, Italian. So I cleared that right up.

Is that a minute? There you go. There you go, Michael Rogelio. Got it. 60 seconds. Fun little one-liners there, man. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. April 1st. First ever open mic was April Fool's Day four years ago. Very cool.

I've been on the show twice. You don't remember. Yeah, what did we find out about you? Serial killer. The first time we talked about my job, the Mustard Seed Cafe, where Joel is my employee. Michael is my boss. Really? You're Joel Berg's boss?

Yeah. Holy shit. Oh, how awesome is it for Joel Berg to have to just watch you be a fucking bitch up here? Take that, Mr. Smith. Wait, wait, wait. Wasn't Joel Berg just fired? No. Only from the weekend.

Yeah, that's not called getting fired. It's called losing a shift, you melodramatic bitch. Oh! Whoa! Personality shift. Joel Berg's a bitch. Joe Berg's our bitch. Joe Berg's our bitch. Wow.

Stop bullying my friend. What a twist. Big J, thoughts on this guy? I couldn't tell. Very funny shit, by the way, but I didn't know if I was, like, talking to, like, a truck stop drifter or, like, a rich kid from Redondo.

I didn't know. Does everybody hate those people? He's me if I evolved on the Pokemon chart one more level. Thank you, Jeremiah. Last time I was on, Big Jay was on, and you said I looked like a hot chick

at a laundromat, so I guess I've devolved quite a bit. No, I'd fuck you at a laundromat. All right, there you go. What are you going to do, dude? 45 minutes for whites? Come on. Michael,

you're the manager at a restaurant. What else do you do? What do you do for fun? He's a scientist from Independence Day. Wow, he is. That's so random. Someone just lost another shift. Just lost another shift, motherfucker.

I am fired. How is Joel as an employee, though? He's pretty terrible. Pretty lazy? We love him. Back to hobbies and pastimes. I'm a musician. I'm a musician.

What kind of instrument do you play? I play the guitar like Mr. Patty Reagan. Wow. All right. You in a band or anything like that? At the moment, I am. Yep. What's the name of your band?

It's Sorry About Everything. Oh, is that what you say after the shows? Yeah, well it's kind of a semi-comedy band. The lead singer is a guy by the name of Dino Stamatopoulos. Oh, he's got a funny name. That's usually a pretty bad sign. Brian opened for us not long ago. Yeah, that's right. That was a very good band. You guys kicked ass.

Oh man, we found out that Brian opened for your band. This is getting sad. Why would you do that? So did the very good band. You guys kicked ass. Oh, man, we found out that Brian opened for your band. This is getting sad. Why would you do that? So did the Kill Tony band. And Brian needs to work, so he was like, oh, you guys were killer. It was a fun little show, man. It was a warehouse show. Well, that's cool.

What made you want to start doing stand-up? Being in a band sucked, and hauling gear was like hell on earth, and I was like. Oh, you're a roadie? You're not in a band, dude. You're was like hell on earth and I was like. Oh, you're a roadie? You're not in a band, dude. You're a roadie. Most bands haul their own gear. Yeah, you idiot, Luis J. Gomez. Luis was in only one band

called God Smack. He doesn't know about lugging gear. Yeah, we had roadies lug our gear. What's your had roadies lug our gear. What's your love life like? You seem like you would be the guy that a lot of women cheat on their husband with or something like that.

You have that vibe about you. Oh, yeah. How much gear are you lugging down there? Hey, my love life at the moment is... It's been hard. Back when I used to play in rock bands, it was easy. When I started doing comedy,

not that impressive with the ladies. So the last girl you hooked up with, how long has that been? Three months. Three months. What was that like, a Tinder date? That's how I got the job, Tony. Oh.

Was that like a Tinder date or something like that? How'd you find her? You were teaching ballroom dancing at a resort. No, sir. It was Joel Berg's girlfriend. You fingered her on his lunch break. You're like, yeah, take that a resort. No, sir. It was Joe Berg's girlfriend. You fingered her on his lunch break. You're like, yeah, take that. You're fired, bitch.

Oh, too real. You said last girl I slept with. Stop bullying my friend! So where'd you meet the girl? Friend of a friend. Friend of a friend? Yeah. And then what happened?

So you guys went on a date? Drove her home. Drove her home from where? From a gig my band was playing. Oh. Yeah. Playing the old musician card. What does comedy rock groupie pussy seem like? Haven't seen any yet, but...

That weird owl pussy. 250 pound chicks with weird owl hair? Sephardi? Oh, shucky ducky now. For example, Michael, that night when you drove her home from that gig, where was the gig? The gig was at Starburns Studios. That's a production company in Burbank. Burbank.

So Burbank's the answer to that question. And then where were we? The neighborhood of where she lived in. What city was that? It was right here. Burbank to West Hollywood. So that's a nice little fucking 35-minute jaunt. Yeah, got to know each other a little bit.

Yeah, that's quite the Star Trek. Oh. Anyway, so you get to her place, and then what? You're like, hey, you need me to walk you to your door or anything like that? No, no. I was a total coward. I didn't have the balls to put a move on her. I could tell she wanted one.

I called her the next day, asked her out. Then things happened. Oh, yeah? Really? Why would you even start the story off there? Yeah.

He said, where'd you meet her? What is this, Rocky Part 1? You got to show us the whiff first before you win the belt? He looks like a guy who calls roofies Cupid's arrows. So you call her the next day to take her on a date.

What do you say? Where do you want to take her? I took her to dinner. It was standard. What type of dinner? What type of food? It was Genghis Cohen, whatever that is. Oh, yeah.

Asian Jewish food? Yeah. Mongoloid. Oh, my God. I don't know. We'll go pillage, and then we'll keep the king, and then we'll do the thing with the week, and then we'll do...

Get a matzo bowl soup and maybe a beef and broccoli. I don't know. whatever the holiday day brings oh six point ninja star so alright so you take her to Genghis Cohen yeah

the real story is like the fourth date with this girl when she accused a homeless guy of grabbing her ass. It was you. I had already grabbed that ass. And she got into it with this dude and then some Armenian gangbangers jumped in and she offered me to fight them on her behalf. And then I begged her not to call the police on the homeless guy.

I was like, this guy's homeless. His life sucks. He doesn't need this. And she wouldn't do it. She called the police on the poor fellow. And I said. The poor fellow that sexually harassed her. I love you.

She accused him. You're the voice in my head, dude. She accused him. I love this guy. He's literally like, can you come everywhere with me and just let's go. Wait, what happened with the fucking Armenian guys? Yeah, what about the Armenian guys? What happened to them?

Well, I mean, they ended up taking off too. It was at a Del Taco. They had to close the Del Taco, throw everybody out. The place was on lockdown. And then the police were coming down. She created a scene and a half over this. This is actually the story of the Armenian genocide. That's how it all happened, folks.

Genghis Cohen. That came full circle. Also a genocide guy. Well, Genghis Khan was. Anyway, enough about American history or world history. So, Regilio, you're taking this girl to Del Taco, right?

We found this out in this story. Well, this was after a night of drinking. She wanted to go to the Del Taco. So this is night time. Oh my god. Mathematically, did you get to eat her Del Taco? Yeah. Did you really? Did I go down on her? Yeah. After eating Del Taco? Did you eat her

Genghis Cohen too? Gross, dude. You're blowing taco breath into her gash, bro? These are separate occasions Talk about a seven-layer dip Jeremiah, you rascal Still got it Alright, Michael, well, okie-d. There he goes, Michael Regilio.

He's on Twitter at RegilioMichael. Pull one more name out of the bucket here? What do you think? Yeah, okay. All right. Can we do one more, Jeremiah? Can we do one more? All right, put your hands together for Shannon O'Donnell.

I don't see any movement. You guys see Shannon O'Donnell coming to the show? Blacklisted. Oh, no, she missed her spot. How about Chase Dassler? Here he comes. Watch out for the camera. Here he is.

watch out for the camera there he is so clean clean Chase Dassler ladies and gentlemen so I just started I'm a little late to watching that show The Handmaid's Tale anybody seen that show like the person on the front says no

but it's a really good show actually kind of awkward watching with your girlfriend there is this thing that happens in every single show it's a really good show, actually. Kind of awkward watching with your girlfriend. There is this thing that happens in every single show. It's called the ceremony. It's where I try to get my girlfriend to have sex after watching The Handmaid's Tale. Been struggling with that recently. Trying to figure out what women find attractive in me.

I think they think that I'm masculine because I got broad shoulders. I like to go to baseball games But I also at the same time I'm never more than one cranberry song away from crying So I got to try to keep that away from them Unless the relationship's going well, then that's a cool thing because I'm being vulnerable so like I am on stage right now Where is that? Where's that kitten? Do another do it do another I think about really weird stuff

I think about how the future will look at us the way we look at the Roman Empire like 2000 years from now yeah go ahead finish that one sure and yeah do you actually want me to or

Yeah yeah yeah I promise you I do You don't want to finish it? Don't do it it's a trap No It's not a trap It's a chance for redemption actually in this situation It's a trap

If you don't finish this joke you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. I promise you. Go ahead. Finish it. All right, guys. So I'm a weird guy. I think about weird things, how the future is going to look at us, you know, the way we look at the Roman Empire. And I realize that when the future looks at us, the internet will be like the Colosseum

for Rome, because the Colosseum tells us a shit ton about Romans. They're perfectly fine with slavery and having graphic-ass violence right before their eyes. Colosseum, or the internet, will tell us future so much about us. They'll know what we ate every step from our goddamn blogs. We're going to get a few things wrong, though, guys.

No, no, no. Okay. I can't take it anymore. Jesus Christ. Holy shit. Chase, why didn't you give us a warning that it was the longest joke in Kill Tony history? You might want to say, like, are you sure? I told you not to do it, you dumb son

of a bitch. I tried to warn you. I tried to save you. I recognized that you were one of my own. Did he second guess himself eight times within the joke? Yeah. He's like, the internet. No, wait, the Romans. No, it's, hang on.

It's your Roman. All right, I take it back. You're going to regret doing the end of that joke for the rest of your life. Thanks for sending me up for that, yeah. Yeah, sorry. Chase, you should have done what your barber did and just stopped halfway through.

Chase, you should have done what your barber did and just stopped halfway through. Chase, you do have the haircut of a Japanese businessman. You are dressed like you exclusively fuck bowling alley bartenders. I got a few more. I got to leave in a minute. Yeah, yeah. Hey.

Yes! Jeremiah. That's great production. I was just going to say that he looks like a traffic school shooter. That's definitely true. Wow. I didn't want to do it.

They made me. They bowled me into it. It looks like he's wearing the jacket that his dad left behind when he said, I'm going out for smokes in 1987. I'm in a rush. His dad had to smoke many pack of Marlboros to get that jacket. That came with a tip. He was trying to get a fighter jet.

Chase, this is your first time on the show, right? That is correct. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. Where are you from? Here, Southern California. Oh, wow.

All right. I wouldn't have guessed that. You look like you're from the woodland areas of Oregon. I would have guessed the mountains of Russia. Yeah. What do you do for work? I am a fitness instructor. What?

Oh, shit. Oh, God. Yeah, and I've got a 10-inch cock, and I'm a porn star. I would have bet money he was going to say gather moss. Hey, we're going to a fish aquarium where I gather moss. You're at a fish aquarium where I gather moss. You are a fitness instructor. Well, guess what, Chase? That's your new opening stand-up comedy line.

That is by far what you should be both opening and closing with. That's your getter done. You know what I mean? A joke goes good or it doesn't go good. Just go, I'm a fitness instructor. Ah!

Exactly. Yeah, Joel Burke. Doesn't it get better, though? Who do you instruct? Joel knows that I actually do have a bit about this. Who do you instruct? Who do you instruct?

I work exclusively with the elderly. Is that true? That is true. Oh, that makes sense. You work out old ladies? That's fucking hilarious. No, Margaret, your thighs are looking baller right now.

Oh my god. But yeah, retirement communities only. Really? Yeah, let me give you a little window. I was finishing up a class the other day A woman comes up to me Which normally I'm totally cool with But she comes up to me after my class

And says these exact words to me My husband and son are dead And I don't have a reason to live To which I replied Well, I do teach this class weekly Wow, Chase I mean... I thought you were going to say,

can I use your bathroom? I thought you were going to say, can I use your bathroom and then go through a medication? That was the bit that Joel Burke knows about, right? You really took a chance there. You really tried. Look, I commend it,

but that was the moment you're going to regret now. Thank you. You did that to yourself. I didn the moment you're going to regret now. Thank you. You did that to yourself. I didn't set you up for that one. That's true. That's true. Wow. How do you get into that sort of work?

Because I have weekends free now. I don't know. I don't know. But Joel, I do have actually something for you. He's got a gun! He's got a gun! Stop. Son of a bitch! Holy shit, I thought we were dead.

As you can see, here it is. It has the Death Squad sticker on it. This is indeed... This is Joel Berg's comedy notebook, as you can see. This is the longest magic trick I've ever seen, because I left that yesterday. That's true.

It says, if you want to return it, 2650, your mom's house. Okay, okay, Chase, Chase, relax. By the way, you should have done jokes out of his joke book tonight. All right, well, what else goes on in life, Chase? How'd you get into fitness instructing elderly people? How does that happen? After getting fired from working in a film distribution company. Let me fast forward

to my real question. Sure. You seem like the kind of guy that would hit these old people. How often does that happen? Not often, though they do flirt with me a lot. Really? Yeah. What's the kinkiest thing one of them's ever said to you? Suck my cock, faggot.

You know you want to suck cocks. I see it on your face. I'm 90. I've met a lot of gays. I still get hard without pills, you son of a bitch. What are you afraid? Just kiss it.

What do you think you're gonna like? Hit you, homo? Help me. I'm old. Oh, I can still cum, though. Don't you worry. And then you're down there, just like during your set, like, oh, is the time up yet?

Am I finished yet? I'm waiting to hear that kitten. Your hour's up, sir. No, hour's not up till I batch. Does anyone have, like, a heart attack while you were doing anything? You know, like, because it seems like that would be a thing that would happen. No, but I've had people break down sobbing in the middle of class.

Wow. I wish you sucked dick better, you homo! Do people ever get hurt? They're very easy exercises, to be honest. Really? Like what? Can you give us an example? Like pretend like there's an old person in front of you and you train us.

Go ahead. So I want you guys to pull your arms out full horizontal. I want you to hold that for a full ten seconds. Really fold that. Hold that. But don't want you to feel any pain, so make sure. Hold that for a full ten seconds, but don't feel any pain. And we got that. One, two, and then you go through the numbers and then...

Wow. He teaches class in a Grim Reaper costume. What? Like, if you don't do these, this is what you have to look forward to. I'm coming for you, elderly. Wow. What else, Chase? Do you have any other hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that would, like, I'm coming for you elderly wow

what else Chase do you have any other hobbies you seem like the kind of guy that would like meddle with elections or things like that yeah I sideline a Cambridge Analytica when I'm not you know don't try to be funny just answer the question I don't you know I write I mean I'm like trying to create you know

content on the side you know video I write, I mean, I'm like trying to create, you know, content on the side, you know, video stuff, sketches, web series, things like that. Anything else that's not like comedy related or entertainment related that you do just to take your mind off things? Selling heroin to under the bridge kids or something. No selling heroin. Archaeology. Oh, Indiana Jones, I got it. Chase. Do you think you Oh, Indiana Jones. I got it. Chase. Do you think you look like Indiana Jones?

That's hilarious. It's the jacket. Were you really going for Indiana Jones? Yeah, because the jacket looks like he stole it from Indiana Jones. Okay, well, you know what? Fuck me. Okay. Chase, you get a lot of pussy?

I have a girlfriend right now. Fuck yeah. How long you been with her? One year. Yeah? Did you meet her because you were training her in fitness? No, she's younger than me, not older than me. Oh, I thought it was.

She's going to die soon. He's going to get a new fucking jacket. Hell yeah. Younger than you. How old is she? 24. How old is she? 24. How old are you? 29. Ew.

That's fine. That's a fine number. You're aging like a glass of milk. Alright, Chase. Well, it was nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. There he goes, Chase Dassler. He's on Twitter at Chase underscore reality. Can I say, Tony?

Yeah. Advice for future Kill Tony contestants or performers. Yeah. Don't look so sad when we make fun of you. We're just kidding. Yeah. He just made it uncomfortable. I feel like we would have been really killing here a lot more if he wasn't going,

Oh, still making fun of me. Yeah. Oh, he had a resting sad face. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I don't think he can really control it that much. Even if you were like, great jeans, he'd be like, thanks. That's literally the most bully thing

you could ever say. Hey, whenever we're making fun of you next time, could you enjoy it a little bit? I don't like this fucking nerd. This nerd's been riding me wrong all night, nerd. Do you want to fight about it outside on the flagpole? Why don't you guys take it outside?

There they go. Jeremiah Watkins and Big J. Oakerson. He's getting a wedgie from Lewis. All right. He's got a wedgie. They're going to fight. They're going to go fight. They're definitely not doing the goddamn comedy jam down the street on the Sunset Strip. They're definitely both not booked for that.

Lewis J. Gomez is going to stay. And for a special treat for all of you, I'm going to bring out another amazing comedian to fill in for Big J. Ogerson. How about that? You guys like special treats? All right. Great. This is truly one of the best comedians in the world. How about that? You guys like special treats? All right, great. This is truly one of the best comedians in the world, one of the truly the best,

like a fucking true Jedi legend of L.A. comedy, and he just is fresh off of taping his brand-new one-hour special. Last night at the Viper Room, it went extremely successful, and he's here for us right now, one of my favorite people in the world, the great and powerful Sam Tripoli, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit! Yeah, baby! Hi, everybody. How are you?

Yes. No fucks given, right? No fucks? Well, it's going to be a cut. It's an hour cut in two halves. First part's going to be Armageddon. Yeah. Because I'm Armenian and you can't sell anything in this town if you're a white guy, right?

Yeah. I agree. The next one's called Zero Fucks because it gets weird. You know what I'm saying? I was there last night. It fucking was amazing, Sam. Thank you. You are so fucking funny, dude.

Sam is not only one of the best, but he was one of the first guys, truly the first guy to ever take me out on the road and to give me a shot and throw me a paid gig. Yeah, it was my first paid gig also with Sam. You're known for doing that? I take care of the children. It's true.

And you raised us from pups. I feel like you guys are killing that. I feel like somebody's drunk killing that. I feel like somebody's drunk stepdad who just stumbled into the slumber party. Well, we're glad that you're joining us. Let's have some fun. You've done this show many a times, so

let's watch some comedians and have some fun. You guys ready? We got the band over there. Chroma Chris just slid over. Patty Reagan, captain's chair. And Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez back there just looking adorable tonight. You guys ready for more? I'm going back to the bucket. You guys having fun, huh?

All right. Put your hands together for Steve Kim. Steve Kim. He's got up. What's going on? Here we go. Watch out for the camera. There you go.

Very good. I didn't expect to be picked, so I'm sorry about that. So, let's see. I have a history with marijuana, Mary Jane. I go back with her. One time, I was living in this house, and I opened my housemate's door, and there was a thick fog in the room, man. A thick fog.

So thick that I made sweet love to it, man. T-H-I-C-C, as the kids say. Yeah. Oh, man. A thick fog, so thick that I made sweet love to it, man. T-H-I-C-C as the kids say. Yeah. Oh boy. Yeah. Working on that one. I didn't expect to get picked, so I'm sorry about this. Yeah. Working it out. Man, how about this? How about this? I met this girl at a bar, and she tells me that she likes her man the way she likes her cheese, white and American. I got the American part right, but... So I told her, I hate my women the way I hate my world leaders, German and Hitler.

So that's all I got for you guys. Sorry about that. Sorry about that. Sorry about that. There's a minute from Steve Kim. Steve, look at me. I want you to look at me when I tell you this. That's about as bad as it gets right there, homeboy. Grab that microphone that's right

behind you. I want to see how you respond to what's about to happen. You see that big laugh I just got? You see how I got that? I didn't know you were going to be picked either, and I was still able to do that. I mean, you signed up for a show where names get pulled out of a bucket, and twice you said

nobody's ever been expected to get picked in the history of the show. Well, to be fair... Yeah, look, dude, it brings it back to gym class in middle school. Nobody's picking the short Asian kid It's just not happening I was kind of athletic though

Lewis doesn't everything bring you back To gym class in middle school Fuck you nerd I feel like I was at a Google talent contest Like they were fucking Having a fucking employee talent contest Where you fucked up was where you go

I have a history with you sound like a fucking narc dude. That's the problem you sound like Me I love the marijuana the Mary Jane You know her I do partake with the lovely lady Mary Jane. You know what I mean? I where can I score some cocaine? I love smoking the sweet, sweet hemp. Steve, how often do you really smoke pot?

By the looks of your eyes, you are blitzed right now. You look so high, you look Chinese. I don't do anything. High knees. I don't do anything. High knees. I don't do anything. You what? I don't do anything.

You really don't smoke pot? I'm lame. So literally. Why would you say, it's a comedy thing. Why would you say, why would that be a part of your whole thing? You know everybody, it's just the end of the Mary Jane. She's one of my best friends. She's wicked.

She's a very wicked woman. She will mess you up if you actually inhale. 21 Jump Street! Are you actually trying to be a comic? Yeah. Yeah, dude. I mean, first bit of advice, don't lie. Don't make your whole thing a complete farce.

Man, what are some other famous Steve Kim jokes? I got a big black dick. Yeah, life sure is hard out here for a... Wow. Steve Kim. How long have you been doing stand-up? About four years. Four years?

Oh, God. Oh, no. The moment got to me. Shut up. Come on. Oh, God. Oh, no. The moment got to me. Shut up. Come on. Tony, I've seen Steve host. You're a good host. You're more honest when you host.

Yeah. I was expecting more of that. Where's he a host at? He's funny when he's hosting. Where does he host at? Gaines Cohen. Steve, what ethnicity are you? Korean-American.

Korean-American. Korean-American. Yes, sir. Oh, okay. So your dad's Korean and your mom's American? Is that what you're saying? Or are they both Korean? You're Korean, you were born in America, and you were racist against your own people.

Racist against who? Your own people. No. What do you do for work, Steve? I work for my family business. You what? I work family business. Oh, you're karate chopping ice block. Haha Construction what construction business construction? Yeah, it's not nails. You're not doing nails. No We've done like we've like I was that different Asian break down the Asian Occupations Chinese do what Vietnamese are the nail people.

Yeah, they are. And the Thai have the fat asses, right? Who? The Thai chicks have the fat asses. No, no, no, no, no. That's Chinese, man. Chinese got their black asses? And the Thai, they're also boys you're thinking of.

Either way. Steve, what do you think is the most Korean thing about you? Yeah. My last name. Size your eyes. My last name, I guess. Other than your last name, like something that you do in which you're like, man, I have Korean blood flowing through my veins. Korean thing about you? Besides your eyes. My last name. Other than your last name, something that you do in which you're like, man, I have Korean blood

flowing through me. I speak it proficiently. He murders South Koreans. Can you say we make the very best missiles in Korean? I can't. I don't know how to say that. I know you can't say that. We've seen how you Koreans make missiles. That's right, America, motherfucker. Steve, you have a girlfriend?

No. No? What's your favorite kind of girl? White girls with blonde hair? Aphrodite liked that one, huh? Funny girls, funny girls. Funny girls? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Give me an example of a girl that you... Who's your fantasy woman? Yeah. Oh, I would say Amy Schumer. Shut up. Finally something funny.

Ooh. Oh, wow. Yeah, she just got married. Do you know that? Oh, wow. Yeah, she just got married. Do you know that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, she got married last week to a professional chef that used to be a farmer. So he's used to working with pigs. Wait, what?

What did I just do? This isn't live streaming, is it? Oh, shit. Whoopsie-daisy. It's true. It's justisy. It's true. It's just true. He's a chef that used to be a farmer. Wow. Steve Kim.

You want to literally be the first comedian to be on literally Inside Amy Schumer. Wow. Do you have Asian jokes? Do you have a go-to bit? In four years, what is your go-to? If Adam Egan, what is your go-to?

If Adam Egan goes, listen, dude, I don't know why, but we need more Asians in this lineup. And he's like, one joke. Can I be honest, Sam?

For the first three years, I think I focused more on riffing than doing material, to be honest. Crowd work? Yeah, you're good at that. Oh, thanks, buddy. Thanks, man.

I think you're more funny when you're doing that. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever looked into how many refs per minute you get? LPMs? You're talking about LPMs. That's RPM. LOL, or should I say ROR.

I like that. Hey, man. I really haven't. What's your best bit? Oh god I change my I just don't commit to bits That's the problem with me So let's say

You're bombing Just like you were Yes sir Yes sir And you're like Okay I got This is my lifeline I'm gonna throw this out

This turns the room Yeah dude Jimmy Kimmel What is that? He's in the room And he's like You see him like Fuck dude

This is my moment right now. This is the joke that kills everywhere. Even at Vietnam vets lodges. They get fucking weird. I throw this out, they love me. Do you do like an Ozzy Osbourne who just bites a cat's head off on the stage? Alright, Steve, what is it?

What's the answer? What's the joke? Your go-to joke. You have to have one. You've been doing stand-up comedy for fucking years. So what is it? Where are you from? What city are you from? That's all I have. All right.

So, yeah. Okay. Let's see how this goes. Okay. I'm an audience member. Go ahead. Hey, this show sucks. What's up?

Yeah. What's up, comedian boy? You got a question for me, Mr. Comedian Guy? Yeah. Mr. No Bits? Seem like the kind of guy that wants to do some crowd work when he asks me a question for me, Mr. Comedian Guy? Mr. No Bits? Seem like the kind of guy that wants to do some crowd work when he asks me a question. Just some guy here to watch a goddamn stand-up show.

The fuck are you laughing at? All right. Okay. What? Where are you from? Wow. Youngstown, Ohio. That's great.

Okie dokie. Okay. I've heard of crowd work. You just got worked by the crowd right there. That's great. That's the go-to on that. What would you say? That sounds like a shitty place. Something like that.

Then you get laughs. Do you have shit you say to a skinny white guy? A fat Armenian dude. Do you have that shit? We have a crowd. Why don't we let him do some crowd work? Yeah. Go. Alright, the crowd work challenge.

Look at the guy with the fucking green beard, dude. The guy's still regretting St. Paddy's Day over here. Okay, here we go. Here's Steve Pym going into the crowd. Go ahead, Steve. Take a chance. Alright. How's it going? I like your beard. That was God talking to you, bro. Go ahead, Steve. Take a chance. How's it going? I like your beard. That was God talking to you, bro.

Go ahead. You like his beard? Yeah. Steve, come on. You've got to perform, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You like it? You like your beard? Yeah.

Okay. Do you have a name like your beard? Yeah? Okay. Do you have a name for your beard? No. No. Do you want one? All right. You didn't have a name prepared? No.

Steve, so what are you doing today? A doctor or something? No. What is like, is this a fallback? Just have fun? Yeah. Well, I mean, no, I want to have fun, but I got to write more bits. Got to work on my comedy.

Joel, I'm actually, you said he was good at crowd work. I'm actually kind of concerned about you now. No, no, no. So here's what it is. I think when I've seen him do it, he comes out, he kind of like, you kind of like get to know who he is while he's doing it. So it's not really the crowd work. You're more

laughing at what he's set up. All right, dude, he's your roommate. We get it. No, no, no. No, I don't even... Yeah, we don't... I thought we already went through the guy that's your boss at your day job show.

Well, I thought when they called your name, I was like, this is interesting. It's going to do what he does. Yeah, yeah. But you did bitch. I'm really nervous, though. Hey, you idiots. Maybe it's...

Hey, idiots. Hey, can I talk to the idiots? It's clearly a fucked up power dynamic where he has none and Crowdworks all about power. Right. Yeah. No, I know. Maybe it's because you dress like...

You guys are idiots. Nerd, bitch, idiots. Okie dokie. Ha ha. And, all right, Steve. Well, I mean, four years in the game, you have absolutely zero bits. You've leaned on the risk-taking effect of crowd work working. Very clearly, very, very simple crowd work.

And that's sort of fucked up, man. I think you should, if you're really good at crowd work, then that means that you're funny in the moment, in certain situations. And, you know, one of, a great comedian once told me long ago that I was better at crowd work than my bits, and it was true. And he goes, if you can do crowd work that good,

then your bits should be better, because the same guy writing the fucking crowd work is the guy writing the bits, so make your bits better. And that's just absolutely what you have to immediately do. Immediately as soon as you get off this stage just start writing and do not fucking stop. Tony Rickshaw

go home. Devil's Advocate here. His crowd work sucked dick. Yeah yeah yeah. So you know it's a different thing here. Do you record all your sets? Do you listen to your sets different thing here. Do you record all your sets? Do you listen to your sets? Yeah, yeah. Do you ever find yourself going,

man, I suck? Yeah, a lot. A lot? Yeah. How many cell phones have you dropped in boiling water after your set? None. I can't listen to this.

No, he puts them in rice. Maybe it's not for you, though. After their way. Maybe if you think that you're doing sets that you're like, dude, I suck. After four years, if you don't have any bits, maybe try something else.

Redband's offering you a chance to publicly retire, right? That's not even a bad... I'm going to be honest with you. Four years in, no bits, not good at crowd work, extremely nervous. I got to be honest with you.

I think you should fucking... How many people out there think Steve should quit right now? Nobody wants to pull the trigger on you. You guys are assholes. Those were all the kids who voted for the lucky leprechaun to not get the lucky charms in 1990. All I know is you guys are being assholes right now. Yes, we are. Very good.

All right, Steve. We're going to let you not retire tonight. Steve, I think you need to take this more serious because you're in a fucking shark tank. Yeah. This town is a fucking shark tank. Yeah. And either you're going to be a shark or you're going to get eaten alive and you're going to fucking not be taking calls from your parents because they're wondering what the fuck you're

doing with your life. Right now you're doing comedy like the kind of guy that's just waiting to inherit the family business yeah you're dressed like you're from the movie teen wolf right now okay you don't give i mean like dude all the fun side like i believe in you dude but this is like real shit the days are just like i can go on stage and shit happens are done there's too many people doing this to fuck around. There you go. Steve Kim, ladies and gentlemen. You met him here on Kill Tony. Suicide watch. Fuck yeah.

It's all happening. There he goes. I just talk like that because when he gets a gun and shoots, everybody's going to remember, that guy said something nice to me. It's true. It's true. All right, this looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Levi Maness.

He's running. We got a runner. Watch out for the camera. Here he comes. Put your hands together for Levi Maness. Look at that for Levi Maness. I look like... that kid from Home Alone. If his parents just never came back. I wish I had the ability

to ejaculate fabric softener. My socks would be so soft. Fuck yeah, rock star shit. Levi Maness. Another guy who, by the way, did not know that he was going to get picked out of a bucket.

Levi Maness, I like your style. Fuck yeah, hello. Hi. You are one of the funniest devil's rejects that we've ever had on this show. By far. I want to know how long you've been doing comedy. Four years. Okay.

Fuck yeah. I like it. Also four years. What a difference writing jokes has. Steve Kim just fell on a sword in the back. Levi, where are you from? Seattle. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. Do you still live in Seattle or did you move down here? I moved down here living out on my car. Very lovely. How long ago did you move down here? Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. That's November.

We're in March. Hell yeah. That makes sense. How's living out of a car? It's not fun. Where do you shower? My friend's house in Burbank. Yeah, you smell like teen spirit, dude.

Fuck yeah. Did you save up some money up in Seattle before coming down, or are you in the real, real struggle here? You're gathering your coins for whatever? I did save up money, and my job will let me still come back and work shifts up there. What's that job? Meth dealer. Where do you save your money? In your heart-shaped box?

You know what? You know what? You know what? Never mind. All right. I work security at concert venues. You look like you work in security. I feel safe with you around. Wow. What's it like not letting people that look exactly like you into concerts?

It's got to be weird to kick people out, then see them in your living room, huh? I get to take their weed, so that's pretty your living room, huh? I get to take through a weed, so that's pretty cool. Wow, that's fun. What are some of your favorite shows that you've seen? The Foo Fighters. Yeah, that was pretty cool. Wild, wild country?

No, Jane's Addiction and shit like that. What kind of car are you sleeping in? A Ford Focus. Wow. That's what you get for loving the planet and shit like that. What kind of car are you sleeping in? A Ford Focus. Wow. It's a tiny one. Yeah. Yeah, that's what you get for loving the planet and not doing well. Exactly.

You go backseat fetal position or driver's seat back? Oh, he cries for sure. I cried before living in my car, but I sleep diagonal with my seats down in the back. Hey, do you fill your Ford Focus with gas or Ritalin? So Levi. How do you do you bring chicks? Because you're not a bad looking dude. You got like the rock and roll type thing.

I'm assuming you probably get some pussy. Do you bring them back to your car? Is that how you do it? No, I'm actually still a virgin. Is that true? Are you serious? Yeah, he eats them before he gets in pussy. Do you bring him back to your car? Is that how you do it? No, I'm actually still a virgin. Is that true? Are you serious? Yeah, he eats them before he gets to fuck. That's why you're homeless, dude.

Yeah, you need to focus. You gotta lower your standards, dude. What? Fuck some homeless chicks. They'll show you where a nice dumpster is. You know? Are you religious? No. Why do you think you're a virgin? He's younger than he is.

I think he's younger than we think he is. What are you, 14? He's definitely not. I'm 25. There you go. Levi, why do you think you're a virgin? I'm a great friend. Oh. Jesus. I'm a great friend.

Oh. Jesus. This is what you're doing to white guys, Hollywood. You're putting them in the fucking friend zone. They're watching Jennifer Aniston movies and thinking chicks want to fucking frolic and run through airports with fucking flowers. Well, everybody else is fucking. There you go.

You know what I'm talking about. You got Sam fired up. I have a question. Do you. I'm sorry. Do you. Do you want to save your virginity for something special or you just. It just hasn't happened.

No, it just hasn't. OK. I don't. I don't understand Levi. So give me an example of like the last date you went on. What was that like? When you were almost close. Have you fingered a girl? Have you made out with a girl? I've never made out with a girl.

You've never made out with a girl. Aphrodite, get up here right now. Let's fucking do this shit. Yes! Get up here. Let's fucking do this shit right now. You guys ready to see this guy make out for the first time ever

make out make out make out make out give Everdite a big kiss come here hey do it dude I don't know what's going on here. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Stop it.

Do you not know how to make out? You don't know what success is. I squirted everywhere. Everybody relax. Hold on. Everybody chill. Aphrodite, what do you think is going on with this guy? How can you help this guy? In the microphone

Your earring is on your shoulder now For some reason It's over there now There you go Put that on That's a cock ring He's about to turn into a pirate of the Caribbean It's a Black Panther cock ring.

He needs some Africanization. Yeah, I think he needs a finger up his ass, Aphrodite. We need to bust this guy wide open. No, he's probably got the finger in there. We need to pull it out. Well, hold on. Here's the thing. Aphrodite came up here.

She was ready to make out with him. And he got very uncomfortable and turned to the side fucking. Is that just your natural racism coming through from the beard? Was it because of... He was sort of here in sweet home Alabama in his head. He ain't had no pussy and he ain't had no black pussy. That's real. Oh, shit.

That sounds like bad luck. No, we told him to go after homeless chicks. First, somebody need to help him smell one, you know, kind of orientate him into the pussy. Oh, no, we can smell you. Have you ever smelled pussy? Are you in the girls? Levi. Are you sure?

Yeah. So, this is a town that we use. This could be your first time making out ever on Kill Tony. Aphrodite's ready to rock. All right, baby. This is it. Makeout session right now. We got to feed you some powder.

You want to do it? Levi, you want to give her a big kiss? Here we rock. This is it. Makeout session right now. You got to feed you some polygreens. You want to do it? Levi, you want to give her a big kiss? Here we go. Lighting switch. That's why I draw the line. That's why I draw the line. Aphrodite, I'll give you 40 bucks. Just kiss him real quick.

What you like? What you like on women? Aphrodite, what's... What you like? You like titties, ass, dick? What you like? Hold on. Aphrodite, stop. Wait. Everybody stop. Stop. Complete system shutdown. Everybody stop. Hold on.

Jesus fucking Christ, man. Young pussy, old pussy, new pussy. Cold pussy, blue pussy. All right, you fucks. Hold on a second. You're listening to NPR. Trying to make goddamn history up here. I ain't kissing a white boy. Aphrodite.

Now, you don't want to kiss him. Is that what's happening? Jesus Christ. He got pussy on his face. So you don't want to do it? No, he got pussy on his face. Okay, put the mic back in the mic stand. Hand the mic to Levi.

Hell no. There goes Aphrodite. Aphrodite one more time. Do we have any whores in the audience? Can I get a woman to make out with this guy? No one? Jesus fucking Christ. Malcolm will do it. Stop. Come on, Brian. Have some goddamn respect.

I feel like if I was a chick, this is the truth, right? I find out this guy's a virgin. I would just fuck him tonight. Does anybody here want to fuck? Alright. I really would fuck this guy just for the story. I would here want to fuck? All right. I really would fuck this guy just for the story. I would give him the time of his life.

If a girl wanted to fuck tonight, be honest, would you be down if she was into what? Maybe Aphrodite isn't your thing. But if a girl who was your thing came up and was down to go to Pound Town, would you? I'd be open to it. Would you be mayor of Pound Town? Yeah. I'd try my best. Do you even know what you would do? Like, what would you start? Where would you start? Do you watch porn? Do you

have your moves ready? Are you going to ring the doorbell? Like, you know. I got the pizza ready and everything. Do you first make her nail you to her cross? So suck your dick from there? Now, do you masturbate a lot? Not much anymore, no.

What? What do you mean anymore? What happened? What happened? Have you given up? I thought it was too much at one point. How much was too much? What do you think was too much?

Come on. Oh, shit. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh shit. Jen motherfucking Murphy. Jen Murphy knows how to get a fucking party started. I love Jen Murphy. Make your motherfucking dreams come true.

Jen Murphy knows how to do that shit. He was delicious, by the way. He was delicious, man. Wow. I think I bit his mouth. So now you got some lady credit going on here. Oh, she's available in the woman's restroom. Look at the fucking smile on this guy.

Show them, you asshole. I just want to say one thing real quick. Wow. I've been at the Comedy Store for 20 years and throughout these years, there's always been some very special ladies that would let comics know how special they were.

And they would take care of us and they would let us know, keep going, you're doing something good with yourself. I'll be very upset if this guy leaves tonight still a fucking virgin. I'm going to tell you that right now. I'll be very upset, ladies. All right?

You have a job to do. Take care of business. There are a hundred women in this crowd that have fucked a man that they didn't want to fuck before. Change this man's life tonight. Change this man's life tonight. Change this man's life tonight. I'm going to say something about you, dude. You're funny as fuck, bro.

Levi, you're funny. We just made history here with you. We're going to keep it moving along. There he goes, Levi Maness. His first kiss. His first kiss. Don't get Jen Murphy. She's over there.

Get her. Un-kill Tony. Jen Murphy's on Twitter and Instagram. Jen Murphy comedy. Google it. Get it right. That's great. Tony. Jen Murphy's on Twitter and Instagram. Jen Murphy comedy. Google it. Get it right. That's great.

Jen Murphy gets fucking show business. There was a tension in the room that you could cut with a knife. I look out there at all these women that beg me. You know what I mean? Like, oh, can I be the new regular? Can I get on stage? Buh, buh, buh, buh. They're all sitting here staring at me.

And then Jen Murphy, a fucking pro who I've worked with for 11 years, is like, I'll go fucking get this plug right now. And she'll finish the job. You know Jen, right? She's a great comic, too. She's a great comic, too. Hell yeah, absolutely. Tonight, Tony, that guy became a man, son.

Hell yeah. Anything can happen here on Kill Tony. This is a history-making show tonight. Hell yeah, it is. Up next, all. This is a history making show tonight. Hell yeah it is. Up next, all things considered. Let's go, yes. Let's go back to the bucket in a little bit, but for right now, let's bring up another guy who lives in his car for his first ever

regular spot. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Malcolm Hatchet. Where'd it go? What up? Hey Levi, you deserve to be cocky, dog. I fuck with you. Damn. Y'all think Crips eat strawberries?

Crips eat strawberries. Huh. Huh. Hey, you ever hit a parked car and keep going? Because you ain't got insurance. But then somebody hit your car and you get out. And they get out. And you get back in and keep going because you ain't got insurance.

Got you. You think bloods eat blueberries? I'm from the ghetto, and in the ghetto it was always shoes on the power line, and I was in the ghetto looking at the shoes on the power line, and the white woman was like, you think those fell off a plane? I said, nah, those came off a bird's foot. I took a fat girl to McDonald's and she squinted at the menu.

I said, bitch, you know what you want. You know this shit by heart. Oh, my God, yes. Malcolm Hatchet. She said, ba-da-ba-ba-ba, you right. You son of a bitch. I am so excited about this whole thing. Another brand new killer minute

from Malcolm. You're a freak, dude. Yeah. He's one of the new regulars, meaning that he does a new minute every week. He's the first ever male regular in the show's history. Do Crips eat strawberries joke? Blueberries.

It's a switch. Two different jokes. That shit made me fucking legit laugh out loud. That was fucking fire. That was great, dude. Really funny. I didn't realize that he was doing a new minute every week and if that's a new minute dog

This was his first spot as a regular This one right here We just announced it last week This is the type of heat that he's bringing New minute every week He's the goddamn future You know Tony this week I saw Malcolm at a mic And this mic is kind of

A little bit Lesbian Sure Is that what you were going to say? and this mic is kind of a little bit lesbian. Sure. Is that what you were going to say? You look like the black collar tour. For lack of a better term, like SJW-ish. Sure. But so Malcolm's so funny and likable,

I've watched him turn rooms that are like, would never laugh at that, laugh at shit because he does it, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I saw it this week and I saw it tonight. It's definitely a thing.

He's my new favorite person to follow on Instagram. All of his stories are funny. Everything about the guy is funny. Last night's Instagram story, man. A lot of drama. There you go. Tony leaned into me as he got up. There's no bullshit. Tony doesn't say this. He leans into me and goes, this kid that $20. Tony leaned into me as he got up, and this is no bullshit. Tony doesn't say this.

He leans into me and he goes, this kid's the future. He really loves you. I'm telling you right now, that's no joke. You got a weird thing about you, like, almost like an energy to you. You live in the hood? Yeah, I'm from the hood. You're from the hood. Did people fuck with you a lot growing up?

Yeah, I used to get bullied, but I bullied back, so yeah. All right. But yeah, they used to, but I was a crack baby, so that's probably the energy you see. Okay. I didn't want to say it. I bully Beck, so yeah. All right. But yeah, they used to. But I was a crack baby, so that's probably the energy you see. Okay. I didn't want to say it. Crack babies are the funniest, man. I've always thought crack babies were hilarious.

I've never met a not funny crack baby. He's smoking that crack, moms. The best. He's got timing. Crack babies have timing, dude. They're charismatic as shit. Hell yeah. So he babies have timing, dude. They're charismatic as shit. Hell yeah. So he also lives in his car.

And how long have you been here from North Carolina? It'll be seven months in a couple of days. Seven months. And an interesting development that happened this week is... Is his car an Escalade? No, it's a Ford Taurus. Oh, fuck. An Escalade, a house.

Oh, I had a question about... Shit, what the fuck? I had a question about your car. Like, from your Instagram videos, I noticed the top, like, your top of your... It's all cut up and blown up. What the fuck happened to the roof of your car? Well, I got it from an old white lady,

so maybe she used to fucking scratch the ceiling. I don't know. Those things fall apart like that. I used to have, I'm it from an old white lady, so maybe she used to fucking scratch the ceiling. I don't know. Those things fall apart like that. I used to have, I'm like 99% sure, the exact same model of Ford Taurus. She was a scratcher. Ford Taurus also? Yeah. I had a Ford Taurus most of my life.

The fun fact is the Ford Taurus was the car that I slept in 11 years ago in this back alleyway here for a few months when I worked here and had a fucking little summer of love and craziness here. This is California. I'm just not impressed with you assholes sleeping in your cars. That sounds like a dream. Yeah, no, it is. It really was one of my favorite and most creative times. I had zero money, but I was waking up

when the sun came up. That's pretty much how that goes. You go, you take a shower, you get a coffee, and back then, it makes me sound a lot older than I am, but I would get a newspaper, and I would read the shit and start writing fucking stupid hacky jokes right in the back alleyway of this club 11 years ago

in a fucking torn ceiling tattered Ford Taurus. We got the Taurus connection. What if it was your Taurus, Tony? What if it was the same car? What's funny is my brother actually still has You got the Taurus connection. What if it was your Taurus, Tony? What if it was the same car? Oh. Actually, what's funny is my brother actually still has the Ford Taurus. The thing actually runs. Well, forget I said that thing, Ben.

There you go. Hey, what color is your Ford Taurus? It was like a silver-gray blue. That's what I had. What's your... Oh, it's bargaining. There you go. You're like Dave Chappelle fucked Larry the Cable Guy

and had a real funny hick black kid. I'll tell you what he's done, and this is an incredible little thing you watch, right? Like, you're funny, period. That's no doubt. But you've already, what happens is you win over the crowd because you're very likable too, right? So you just said the color of your car was burgundy,

and they laughed. They don't even know why they laughed. There was a moment there. Probably how I said it, burgundy. Burgundy. Burgundy. Pips drive burgundy cars. But that's a thing that you have that you can't really learn that.

They want to laugh at what you're saying and that's a really important thing. A little fucking really cool thing that happened this week is a week ago we announced for the first time that we are doing a kill tony in detroit michigan and i saw on the social media and i was made aware that somebody literally reached out publicly and has offered to pay for and put up so because he lives in detroit he's willing to pay for bringing out uh malcolm so that malcolm can do a minute on the Detroit show

in front of Danny Brown. Just a fan. Those are the kind of fans that we have here at Kill Tony. Goddamn animals and monsters. Stop acting like it's Hawaii, motherfuckers. Detroit. It's a free flight. It is an expensive flight.

They're all basically the fucking same. Malcolm, are you going to be allowed to fly? Are you going to be TSA? I'm homeless. I don't own that much shit. I'm homeless. I don't own a lot of shit, so I should be good. Do you have an ID?

Have you flown before? Oh yeah, I've flown before. He's a crack baby. He was born flying. I'm flying right now. Up there, Moonrock. What? What? What's Moonrock? It's a strand of weed with some keef on it.

Like my feet not on the stage. I'm floating right now. You could probably get it at Speedweed. I think a crack baby shouldn't be mentioning the word rock when talking about drugs. I've met two crack babies now in my life as adults. They're all buff. They're all big.

I'm the real crack baby. I'm not buff. Who's your favorite comic? Chris Rock? Crack Rock. No, Mike Ips. That's interesting. Did you quit any jobs this week since the last time we've seen you? Did you pick up any day jobs?

I was working at a weed shop, and then they got raided. By you? Was it you that raided it? I wish, man. Why'd they get raided? I was working one day, and then the next day I was supposed to come in, and she was like, don't come in. We got raided. Wow.

You got raided even though it's legal. You got fired is what happened. You look like the before picture. If like Jamar Neighbors was like an HGH commercial, you look like the first picture. He looks like the second baby. A Jamar Neighbors joke for you underground, super underground comedy fans.

I mean, Jesus Christ. Very, very specific. Crack babies. I'm bringing them all together. I gotcha. I gotcha. All right, Malcolm. Well, another killer minute.

Another fun interview. There he is. He's coming. It's Malcolm Hatchet. I fucking love it. See him here at the five-year anniversary. And every single Monday, a brand new minute from Malcolm Hatchet. I fucking love it. See him here at the five year anniversary and every single Monday a brand new minute from Malcolm Hatchet.

Go check his Instagram stories man. Some of the best shit ever. He's the person to follow on Instagram. You guys ready to go back to the Bucky? You guys having fun out there? This lady over here is grabbing her purse for some reason. Trying to get out of here lady? Checking your phone?

You got somewhere better to be on a fucking Monday night? Back to the bucket we go. Put your hands together for Jay Singh. Jay Singh. Here we go. Watch out for the camera. You can? Oh my god.

Come on. It's Jaying, everybody. What's up, guys? You guys fans of the show? I was on last week, so Tony fucking hates me right now. Hey, I'm in dental school. That's why I'm wearing this, man. And it's funny, man.

If you guys are wondering why I'm in dental school and I'm doing this, it's because fuck dental school, man. The thing is, is like, any of you guys grow up in Indian households or any, like, immigrant households where you're expected to become a doctor, lawyer, engineer? I became two of those things and I'm still a disappointment to my dad. You know, what's crazy is that like, I just can't wait till he watches this clip and he finds out I'm a shitty comedian now. I'm gonna finish the trifecta. You know, the thing is, is I'm Indian and I grew up in Las Vegas. And in Vegas, I always wanted to play roulette. But like, they're always run by the, you know, Native thing is, I'm Indian and I grew up in Las Vegas. And in Vegas, I always wanted to play roulette.

But they're always run by the Native American. Those guys own the casinos and they always race against us because they thought they were the real Indians, but we are. And the thing is, I always wanted to play roulette. And they only let me play Indian roulette, which is basically where you spin the red ball and you have to make it land in the middle of the Indian girl's forehead. That's how you win Indian roulette. You know, I never could win that shit, man. Jay Singh. Now look at that.

And here's a little something for those of you that didn't listen or were at last week's episode. Last week you came up completely bombed. And this week you actually took the notes that we gave you. You stopped saying you're a dentist, tell the truth, make fun of yourself, and it was a totally different thing. You were able to follow Malcolm's momentum. I want to give a big shout out to Lila right there.

She gave me a ton of good advice. Wow, look at that. Big things do come in small packages. A little advice from Lila Hart. I love that you're thanking people like you won an Emmy, you son of a bitch. I just want to give credit where credit's due. So many people I'd like to thank for this minute going well. One of my favorite

things is you just got off work so you're wearing your outfit, but you couldn't take off that and just wear a t-shirt underneath it. You're like, no, I'm a dentist. Are you wearing a fur coat underneath that? Black shirt. Black shirt. Wait, why does your shirt have a pentagram on it? It has like a...

It's the logo of the school. It's dentist shit.agram on it. It has like a... It's the logo of the school. Oh, okay, cool. It's dentist shit. All right. So, Jay, wow. So you made the adjustments that we told you? Yes, sir. Those fucking eyebrows are something else, man. Fuck those up.

Look at that. What do you do? Those eyebrows look like the thing Super Mario jumps over to get to the other side. Yoshi's all up on these, man. Boop-bang! Mario jumps over to get to the other side. Yoshi's all up on these men. How do you work that? How many times a week do you have to manage those eyebrows? Is that a daily thing? No, three, four times.

Every three days or four days. Three, four days. You have them threaded or you pluck them? I pluck them. You pluck them yourself? Mm-hmm. Do you notice that other people in your family have the same situation?

A lot of other, these things, have the eyebrows that try to connect? No, just me, I think. Really? I'm not really close to my family. I don't really... And the eyebrows, every three or four days, you go in and you take care of it.

I do, myself. Is it difficult to pluck your eyebrows when there's a man's penis shoved into your throat? Do you have to kind of get around it? How does it work? Sometimes. Are you broke that you can't get it professionally done? I'm sorry?

Are you broke that you can't get it professionally done? Yeah, like I'm in dental school, so I'm actually right now, I'm not even joking about this, I'm $300,000 in student loan debt. Wow. $250,000 of that was keeping his eyebrows separated. Yeah. But imagine he was joking about that

and that was just a shitty joke of his. No, that's true. He was like $300,000 in debt. Imagine that. I'm really in that much debt. But honestly, when you're a dentist, that's like one week's worth of income, right?

As being a dentist. No, they don't make that much money. $180K a year is average. $180K? Yeah, that's average. $180K? Fuck dentistry. I'm trying to do this, man. Oh, yeah. You're not going to make that doing this, Jay. Maybe not, but I'll try.

Are you as good at dentistry as you are at comedy? Oh, man. That would be awful. You do have good joke structure. I'm going to be honest with you. You just got to pull a couple lines out here and there. You're great at plucking, so pluck some shit out. Last week, I'm going to be honest with you. You just got to pull a couple lines out here and there. Pluck them a little bit? Yeah, you're great at plucking, so pluck some shit out.

Last week, I told him that he reminded me of Aziz Ansari, not because of him being an Indian guy, but because he likes putting his fingers in other people's mouth. Very rarely do I repeat a joke back-to-back weeks. How long have you been doing comedy? So, I've been doing it seven months, but seriously for three months. Fuck, you're a veteran. We're a veterinarian.

We don't know. That's a very young guy. Just fucking say seven months. It doesn't matter. It's not serious at this time in any way. You're funny. You are a funny dude. Jay, you have a girlfriend? No, I don't. We talked about that Bumble date last time.

No, I don't. You don't? bumble date last time. I don't know if you remember. No, I don't. You don't? It's just last week. I'm not memorable. Do you think you don't have a girlfriend because you wear way too small a shirt? Do you think that fucked shit up? No, no. She actually broke up with me because she went to medical school in the Caribbean. Oh, that's a good place to go. Where's she learning to chop

chickens' heads off to do voodoo? Medical school. Medical school in the Caribbean? That's a whole new world. It's a whole new world. Okay. Jay, what's the wildest thing about you? You seem like you come from a good Indian household. You're trying to follow the right thing to do.

You're trying to become a dentist. You tend to your eyebrows relentlessly. What's like a wild thing about you? In what way would you consider yourself a bad boy? A bad boy? I'd get high on laughing gas at work. That's dope. Do you really?

Yeah. That should be your joke. Oh, fuck. I'm losing my dental license, and they ain't going to give me that after seeing this. That's not a good idea, man. I love how you got vanilla ice cream. Yeah, I notice that you do that sometimes. You start to talk

like a little bit ghetto. Where do you think that comes from? Well, so I, like, so my mom died when I was a kid and then I didn't grow up with my dad,

so, like, I bounced around a lot of random households growing up, so I never really, like, had a stable, like, family household. Were they black households? A lot of different ones,

you know, black, Hispanic, Asian, just anybody that would take me in. Why? Wait, so your dad didn't... Wait, hold on. Your mom died. How'd your mom die? She fell off the top of a train?

A car accident. Oh, okay. Jesus Christ. Same thing. Dude. She was crushed to death by the family elephant. Those honor killings are awful

It was funny She was roofing on top of her onion dome And she was impaled by it Wow I'm glad it's a non-issue Hey that was a clever joke Non You hear that

So the joke even though it got laughed The joke about your dad being upset with you isn't real. I'm sorry? The joke you said about how your dad wouldn't be happy with you wasn't real. Yeah, that's all real. That's all real. He really thinks I'm a disappointment. He's actually a cardiologist, a heart surgeon. You're a real dad.

Back up, though. A heart surgeon, if he really had a heart, he'd accept you for who you are. Oh. We're getting... Wait, what does your mom think about... Oh, wait, forget it. No, fuck. I'm sorry. That wasn't meant to be a joke.

Stop it. Stop. Continue. Whatever you guys were gonna do, just do it. Let's have a seance We already had a moment of silence During Jay's set Let's keep it moving Is that your god that you just heard

Yeah that was my god I said that's why they're sacred Taking down gods on Kill Tony How often do you talk to your dad Once every three four months taking down gods on Kill Tony. How often do you talk to your dad? Once every three, four months. You know what, Jay? You want to do something fun?

Why don't we call him on speakerphone right now? Let's call this piece of shit up. Hey, can you get... Hey, Jay, Jay, grab my phone. It's in my... Yeah, grab his fucking phone. You need a calling card or something like that for your Indian ass? I need tech support to call him.

Jay, Jay, you only talk to your dad once every 7 to 11 months? 7 to 11 months, yeah. How do you want me to call him? Very clever, Louis. I stink. I got him right here.

Put him on speaker? Yes. I told you never to call me again. No, no, no. Stop. Everyone has to be quiet. Hey, Dad. I'm in front of 200 people at the comedy store right now.

Hey, hold on. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, let me talk to this son of a bitch. Hello. Can somebody do the video and send out to me? Yes, we're definitely going to send the of a bitch. Hello. Can somebody do the video and send it out to me? Yes, we're definitely going to send the video to you. Hello, my name's Tony Hinchcliffe,

and I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. Right now, your son Jay is on my show, and we understand that you may be giving him a little bit of a hard time about him chasing his dreams, huh, Doctor? Doctor? giving him a little bit of a hard time about him chasing his dreams, huh, doctor? You just got a big laugh. What did you say?

Let him have a great time. Have his dreams come true. Yes, that's what we're telling you. It's glad. Wow, look how shocked he is. I can't tell you how happy he looks to hear you say that. He's actually about to cry right now. This is amazing. I'll tell you what, doctor. You really put on a hell of a front when you're on the spot. I'll send it to you, dad. I got you. I will send it to you. We're definitely going to send you the picture. I'll send it to you, Dad.

I got you. I will send it to you. We're definitely going to send you the picture. Don't worry. I'm so proud of him. Wow. Look at that. Well, I'm glad that you're proud of him because one thing that he hasn't told you is that he failed out of dental school.

Don't tell him that, bro. There he is. I did not fail out of dental school. Don't tell him that, bro! There he is. I did not fail out of dental school. He's fucking with you. I saw a full day of patients. You don't give me credit! That's Jay Singh, ladies and gentlemen, and his doctor dad.

Jay Singh, everybody. There he goes. Holy shit. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time, huh? You guys are having fun. We just had a guy have his first kiss. Did you see his face, by the way? He was shocked.

He's about to cry. He's had the best night of his life now. I'm so glad he was facing the live stream camera. We're live streaming on Vimeo.com. And we're also live streaming on Facebook. Kill Tony Facebook. I mean, a dad telling him that he's proud to chase his fucking dreams. That was beautiful.

This show is fun. I don't care what you fuckers say. All right, this looks interesting. I don't think this person's been on before. Really, have they? No, I don't think so. Looks a little bit scary. Put your hands together for one word.

Fig. Here we go. F-I-G. Are you here? No? Alright. We'll move on. Sounded like a weird name.

Is that Fig? That's not Fig, right? No, fucking Newton. Everybody's walking slowly. All right, this looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Handren Seavey? Handren Seavey? Handren Seavey.

Here he comes. Oh, God, it's not Duncan Trussell. All right, he's the last comedian of the night. How about Handren Seavey, everybody? Thank you. Right off the bat, I want to say a lot of people think I'm a hipster. I was born and raised at home on a farm in Maine and homeschooled for many years. This is what that's supposed to look like.

They're all copying me. I carry a necklace on me at all times. This starts fire. This is a flint and a piece of metal to start fire. This gets through airport security because they're not looking for stone. Okay. That's something I know being from Maine that you fucks don't know. Airport security is not looking for stone. I'm from Maine. I moved down to Boston about five years ago from Maine. Don't. When I moved down, I sold my car, which was scary

to be like, there goes backup house. And I got a bicycle and that's how I made my way around the city was riding a bike. And I would go as far as wearing a helmet. Oh, sorry. Basically, I saw a bunch of people with lights get hit by cars. And I thought, how dumb do you feel when you're still fucking blinking on the side of the road, just like, didn't he see me? You're like, he saw you. That is why he hit you. There you go. Mandarin CV.

Very good. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. Can I just say, he's been here for a couple weeks, and I constantly think he was Duncan Trussell. We thought he was Duncan Trussell. There you go. We thought he was Duncan Trussell. Blippity-blop. Anyway, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Seven years. Seven years. In Maine? No, in Boston. All in Boston. Two years in Maine, five in Boston. You live here now, or you still live in Boston? Dude, you're not going to believe this.

I live in a school bus. I believe it. I believe it. Do the kids know? Yeah. That looks like a school bus. I believe it. I believe it. Do the kids know? Yeah. That looks like a pedophile. So do you live in a school bus in L.A. or in Boston? I've been on tour for,

I've been on the road for like six and a half months now. Well, when you live in a school bus, you're always on the road. Yeah, it's a beautiful thing about it. Wow, interesting. That plane thing got me nervous when you were saying you could get it on a plane. Your beard went from Amish to Jihadist real quick.

You ever take a girl back to the bus with you? I'm married, yeah. We fuck in the bus all the time. Really? Yeah. What do the kids think? Is your wife black? Do you fuck her in the back of the bus?

Oh. Oh. Oh. Hey-o. Hey-o, thank you. Hey, good old hey-o, do you fuck your wife in the back of the school bus? She's a Connecticut Jew. I don't know where that falls in line. Oh, so she gives you helmet.

It's a short bus. He lives in a short bus. I did a podcast with him yesterday. Yeah, we met yesterday. Okay, okay. But how Jewish is she? Does she make you pay for getting on the bus every time you get on? Alright. Do you have one of those little

coin change things once you get on? A little. Do you ever bust a nut? Handren, you seem like you came from a good family, right? You have parents that love each other. They're still together in Maine, right? They're still together.

Everything else I don't know about, but they're still together. You don't think they like each other very much? I mean, it's Maine. It's slim pickings. They stick together. Huh. Interesting. And how long have you been married for? It'll be a year in May. Wow. Were you long have you been married for? It'll be a year in May.

Wow. And were you living on a bus when she met you and you got engaged? No, no, no. We met in Boston, and we came up with this stupid plan together. Is she also a comic? No, she's a writer. She just works from a laptop. That's cool. Can she plug in on the bus?

That's a good question. Do you have electricity on the bus? That's a good question Do you have electricity on the bus? Do you have a generator? Well, great question We got a solar panel Is what we got rocking with some batteries And yeah, we The laptop works I don't know why I hate

People that are like that Like, yeah, solar power, fucking better for the earth I don't know, Fuck you, dude. No. Oh, man. You know, I don't know. There's something about it that just sucks. I love that you have solar panels for your, you know, like little fucking phone chargers. Here's the thing, though, I'll be honest. Meanwhile, you're driving a school bus

around the country. Oh, yeah. It's diesel and also we just have a piss bucket that we just dump wherever we want. Wow. That's adorable. Throw it on homeless people. Did you take out rows of seats so you have space or do you still have all the rows of seats in the bus? I gutted the whole thing.

Built it all. It's real nice on the inside. It looks like shit on the outside but it's real nice on the inside. Where do you usually park around Los Angeles? We've been staying with family. School buses. We've been staying with family down in Mar Vista. They don't, you know, just park with a bunch. We've been staying with family down in Mar Vista.

There are a lot of RVs down there. People living out RVs. Retarded veterans. I don't appreciate you saying that. So retarded. I don't appreciate that. Soberg is on fire tonight.

When you guys get in a fight, do you guys go to separate parts of the bus? Dude, I have slammed those school bus doors so hard sometimes. Get out. I am done with you. And then I realized, I didn't turn the propane off. I got to just make sure you turn it. I don't want the dog and you to die. Do you have tinted windows or do you have

tapestries over the windows? We got tinted and we got some nice drapes. That's great, man. That's actually kind of cool. How do you make money? Great question. I know. That's why I host the number one live podcast in the world. Fucking fuck. Do you guys know he

does this? No. Doing comedy, I book stuff about two months ahead of time and line up shows, pay me a little bit, and then I do Postmates in Bigger Cities. You do Postmates driving a school bus? No, on my bike. We got the bike with us. I ride my bike around.

That's how I stay so fucking trim and slim. For the podcast listeners, I'm a very good-looking man. Yeah. You guys don'tlooking man. Yeah. You guys don't know this. Imagine Duncan Trussell. He looks like the healthiest member of the Duck Dynasty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like everybody used the N-word in a Mark Twain book.

You know what I'm saying? That river was tough, man. That river was tough. How long have you been playing banjo? Four-string or five-string? Four string or five string? What are we talking about? Okay. All right, Handren.

Well, I mean. It's like you had a whole show of nobody knows how to dress or take showers. That's what this show seemed to be today. That's the early. I stand behind everything I'm wearing right now. I just want to give you a quick note. Yeah. Honestly, it's like your setup is you can trim some lines off that and get right to it.

Everybody thinks I'm a hipster. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was homeschooled. That's what this looks like. Now you're already in. You see? I crushed with it, right? Get right into it, dude.

Fuck yeah. Thanks, man. Also, shave your beards because they're gross. How long have you had your beard for? I mean, on and off for six, seven years. Do you have a weak chin? Is there something you're hiding? No, I'm gorgeous underneath here.

If I shave this off, I'm in. That's the thing. Big surprise. I'm going bald. Yeah, that's the other part you guys didn't know. There we go. Yeah, that's what you're wondering about. But if I shave it all, I'm a better looking Jason Statham,

and I don't want that type of pressure. I don't want that. I wish you believed in yourself enough. Do you remember all the women in the crowd that like a man with a beard? Clap your hands. That's a lot of women. Those black chicks fucking a leprechaun right now. All of those women have herpes.

So do I. That's why I have the beard. That's honesty. That's what we need in comedy. Very interesting. I'm covering three sores already tonight. Jesus. Wow.

All right. Well, I mean, Handren, what scares you? What are you afraid of in life? Oh, I'm super claustrophobic. Razor blades. Claustrophobic. Yeah, very. I found that out being in the bus.

Yeah. Yeah. If I have to sleep in front of my wife in the bus on the bed in the back, if I sleep in the back and I'm cornered by the back, I wake up freaking out. And that's a thing I didn't know about myself until getting in the bus hell yeah and when you're together with you know mumford and the rest of the sons oh god i gotta have top bunk don't fucking give me that shit yeah i bet all right andren well uh everything's been good since you moved here to

la chasing the dream you feel like you're getting shit done, the lady's writing stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything, you know, she had a fucking event at the Beverly Hilton on Saturday night that I went to. Yeah.

Got to dress up in a black tie. That was a new thing for me. How many people gave you a spare change they just walked by? More than you think. More than you think.

So is your chick more successful than you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's like a successful writer. I'm sorry, was that in question from the beginning? When she pegs you in the ass, is it something you whittled out that... Great question, great question.

I'll let you know tonight. I'll let you know. All right, Handren. It was your first time on the show. It was nice to meet you. There he goes, Handren Seavey. Have a great night. Catch him on his school bus.

This is the part where we look at Ryan J. Ebel. It's an amazing drawing that he drew during tonight's episode. This should be an interesting one since Big J and Jeremiah left. Yeah, it's all part of the book, Kill Tony, the book, available at ryanjebelt.com. Look at that. He's got all in there. Triple E, Big J. Oakerson, and Louis J.jebelt.com. Look at that. He's got all in there. Tripoli, Big Jay Oakerson, and Louis J.

Can you see that? Look at yourself. I look like that 19-year-old Mexican Dodger pitcher. I love that, dude. No, Sam, I'm sorry to tell you that's actually exactly what you look like. Sam, you have some dates coming up that you want to plug? So the big date that I'm really pushing is Eddie Bravo and I are doing a tinfoil hat comedy night at Cobb's in San Francisco June 1st. And then June 2nd at the Sacktown Punchline.

We could use some support. If you like conspiracies, we're doing a night of fucking comedy and conspiracies. I'd love any support. Thank you guys very much. Sam Tripoli, ladies and gentlemen. And I'm so proud of both of you guys. This place is always packed. You guys deserve everything you're getting. And we'm so proud of both of you guys. This place is always packed. You guys deserve everything you're getting. We're so proud of you. Thanks for

helping us along the way with all the great advice and the spots and everything. It will never be forgotten. The great and powerful Luis J. Gomez has Skankfest coming up in New York City July 14th and 15th at the kickoff party on the 13th. Skankfest is the biggest comedy festival I believe

in the world right now but biggest being the most fun and the most important and the coolest yeah yeah guys it's going to be incredible guys grab tickets April 2nd they go on pre-sale we haven't announced to anybody

but you save 20 bucks for the VIP passes so grab them in advance and I got some dates coming up it'll be in Atlantic City April 14th through 19th yep and yeah a lot of other stuff GomezComedy.com GomezComedy.com It's coming up. It'll be in Atlantic City April 14th through 19th. Yep. And, yeah, a lot of other stuff.

GomezComedy.com. GomezComedy.com. Check out the podcast, Legion of Skanks. We love you. There he is, Louis J. Gomez. Here, have a seat. We're going to take pictures in a second. The great and powerful band leader, Patty Reagan over there, everybody. Come on.

You're going to leave? Carl McCriss, Patty Reagan, anything up? What do you want to plug? Patty Reagan, Carl up? What do you want to plug? Patty Reagan, Chrome of Chris. You can check out my band, Drack and the Swamp Rats, is playing April 7th in La Mirada, the six-annual spook show. Look up all of Pat Reagan's music on Spotify and everywhere where music can be found.

We love him. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Hi. I'll be hosting the improv tomorrow with Brian, Tony, Joe Rogan, Brian Stevens, Earl Skakel. 8 o'clock.

Five year anniversary of this show is in this room on June 18th. If you want to know a little secret, I'll tell you a secret. I'm not really, I wasn't going to tell anybody. Bruce Buffer's going to be here to get the fucking thing started. Voice of the UFC, friend of the show. So many gigs coming up for Kill Tony.

We're going to Phoenix, Nashville, Las Vegas, San Francisco, probably New York City, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Detroit, Michigan, and Fort Worth, Texas. The show you just saw, your favorite little live podcast is coming to your city, so check that out then. Big shout out to Squarespace, recruiter and blue apron blue apron and don't forget speed we'd use the code word chuckle puffer and save 15 dollars i have so many stand-up comedy gigs coming up that's all at tonyhingecliff.com i swear to god i'm going to be performing in a city near you uh go check out my website right now for Kill Tony tickets or stand-up tickets.

And if you live in any of the Kill Tony cities, also take note that in almost all those cities, almost all of them, we're doing stand-up shows around those shows. So you can double down, see a Kill Tony, and see all the new stand-up that we've been working on. And I guarantee you're going to have fun with both of those. Pace yourself and enjoy it. To the live audience, thank you so much for coming out.

We love you. You mean the world to us. And we'll be out on the front patio hanging out. We'll see you in a little bit. We'll take pictures and high-five each other. Thank you, everyone. Good night. See you, guys. I'm cocaine Casey Jones Watch your speed

Trouble ahead Trouble behind And you know that notion Just crossed my mind