KILL TONY - KILL TONY #258

Episode Date: April 5, 2018

Russell Peters, Jamar Neighbors, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 04/02/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, deathsquad squad.tv for all the past episodes including all the video portions of the show by just clicking on videos or you can go see us live not only do we do kill tony every monday at the world famous comedy store but we're always on the road and this weekend if you're listening listening to this when it was released, April 5th. That's actually today. We're going to be at the Stand Up Live in Phoenix doing a Kill Tony. That's April 5th.

That's 8 o'clock. There's a few tickets still left. We have Doug Benson as a special guest. So get up. Go to Stand Up Live this week, Thursday, April 5th. And if you live in Phoenix and you want to see us do comedy, me and Tony Hinchcliffe and the band, Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Reagan, and Joel Jimenez, are all going to be at the Tempe Improv from Friday, April 6th to Sunday, April 8th.

A bunch of tickets. We've got five shows going on there. You just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates or go to Tempe Improv's website. Also, if you want to see Tony Hinchcliffe's tour dates and more, he's all over the place by going to his website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. He's going to Wiseguy, Spokane. We're going to be in Vegas soon, Punchline San Francisco, Boston. Anyways, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist uh he draws every episode and he has the kill tony book and posters go to ryanjebelt.com and last but not least shop squad.tv that's official merchandise of the death squad universe

uh go there and get the kill tony shirt we have a new one about to drop. We also have all the Death Squad hats and shirts there. Go to shopsquad.tv. And if you don't watch Kill Tony live, check out my Twitter. I put up a link to the show every Monday at 8 p.m. Pacific, and you can check us out now on our new Vimeo streaming service. So just follow me on Twitter at RedBan, R-E-D-B-A-N, and I usually post a link

the day of the show so check us out watch us live it's really cool alright guys here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony hey this is RedBan

coming to you live from the world famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the real famous comedy store, Main Room. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hi, everybody. Good evening. Look at this. We switched everything up. I'm excited about this.

These are real audience members over here to our left. And over there, there's the comedians. Hi, comedians. Fuck yeah. It's Brian Redband here, ladies and gentlemen. Same old setup up here. For the comedians, you guys are coming in this way now. Come in this way on stage. It's a new strategic way

to perhaps expedite the flow of the show. As the logistics here for you audio listeners, things have switched. Ryan J. Ebelt is here. He draws every single episode for you audio listeners. Things have switched. Ryan J. Ebelt is here. He draws every single episode for you people.

His book, Kill Tony, which I love, is available at ryanjebelt.com. So we're prints of each and every show. You can also get the exact hand-drawn thing from the artist himself, ryanjebelt.com.

Ryan, you know how many episodes you've drawn? 135 episodes he's drawn. He sat there and drew them. And look at us now. Everything's crazy. This show goes on the road this Thursday to Phoenix, Arizona with the whole band,

me, Red Band, everything. A full feature Kill Tony for you this Thursday, April 5th in Phoenix. And then we do stand-up in Tempe, the 6th, 7th, and 8th. The 8th, it's just Red Band and I. But the 6th and 7th in the Tempe Improv, it's me, Red Band, Jeremiah, Joel, Pat. All doing stand-up. That's going to be a lot of fun.

This makes so much fun. I'm in Providence the weekend after that, just headlining some shows. And then we go to Nashville the week after that. Another Kill Tony, Nashville, Tennessee. One of my favorite cities in the world. And then I do Wise Guys St. Louis, stand up with Jeremiah Watkins. And then Spokane, Washington.

And then we do a Kill Tony in Las Vegas. Can you believe that? May 11th, the first time Kill Tony goes to Las Vegas. If anybody wants to make the drive out there, sign up for the show. Maybe you'll be luckier than putting your name in a bucket with 100 people in Los Angeles. Hookers and blow. There's a Kill

Tony in Fort Wayne, Indiana on August 4th. I'm doing stand-up in Boston May 26th. And then we do a real takeover of let's give us some breaking news actually. I told you this earlier, but these people have no idea. This is a really big deal. We had

already announced that we were doing a Kill Tony in Detroit, Michigan, September 22nd with our guest Danny Brown. Since then, we've added two more Kill Tonys that weekend. Yep, that's a big deal. Grand Rapids, Michigan,

you have your own Kill Tony and stand-up show September 20th. Lansing, Michigan, September 21st, Kill Tony and a stand-up show. And then Kill Tony, September 22nd, Detroit, Michigan. Danny Brown. Ohio is going to get pissed off at us for all those Michigan things. They're going to be very mad. Ohio hasn't had a Kill Tony in a long time.

And then we do Fort Worth, Texas again. That's September 29th. And also stand-up shows there. And then Chicago, Illinois, I do stand-up in October. I'm excited about the state of this show. Honestly, every single week is like a new favorite episode to me. Last week we had a dental student's father tell him that he was proud of him for the first time ever. That was emotional.

That was emotional. And we also had a young man who got his first ever kiss live on this stage on the show. Jen Murphy. Turns out the guy was a virgin. And, you know, sexual performance issues are more common than you think. I know. And with ForHims.com, it's a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness, all for men. You know, like one of the biggest things when you get older is you stop getting boners as much, you know. And a lot of you can go to a gas station, spend some money on some supplement that might work, might not, might kill you.

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That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash kill. Forhims.com. We're giving them cheap boners. There you go. You know who else loves cheap boners? It's this live audience that we have in front of us. You guys ready to get this fucking party started or what? This guy leaves right now.

He's like, I'm just here to hear the ad reads, and then I'm leaving. That's the shit he loves. This guy's going to get 4hims.com right now. Little does he know he could order it on his phone. So let's get the party started. Every single week I deliver on having two of the funniest comedians in the world as guests on this show. And this week's no different. We did it again.

Make some noise for the great and powerful Russell Peters and Jamar Neighbors. What? some noise for the great and powerful Russell Peters and Jamar Neighbors. What? From Adult Swims. Black Jesus. It's Jamar Neighbors. The Indian Detective from Netflix.

Fuck yeah. They're back. Couple guys that we've had on the show a few times before. You guys know what the fuck's going on? No, what the fuck is going on? Hi, Red Band. Hey, how's it going, Russell? Hello, Antonio.

Hello, Russell. What's up, Ray? And hello, Jammer. I love the Mohawk. She made a song with duct tape. I'm excited to have you guys back. The state of the show is in a fun position. And I'm glad you're back.

How was dinner? You just had dinner across the street. I did, yes. It was good. Had the branzino. Ooh. I don't want to brag. There you go.

This crowd has no idea what branzino is. It's fish. Oh. Jamar's eating Comedy Store french fries. So this isn't the branzino. Different pay grades. I've got this shit with a lunch ticket, nigga. I'm glad you guys are here. Let's keep it

rolling. We have a band. Every single week the band comes out and they commit to different characters every week and they try to stay in those characters the whole time. Every week it's something different. We never know what they're going to do until we bring them out. So let's bring them out.

It's the Kill Tony Band, the best damn band in the land. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Here they are. The band, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit. Oh, ho, ho.

Reggae. Pot smokers. Reggae. Wow, reggae. Pot smokers. Reggae? Wow, I think so. Wait, maybe not. What is reggae? Oh, that's bath salts right there. I can tell.

I have no idea what's going on. Oh, wait. Over here. Over here. Oh. Wow. That's Colonel Sanders. I think so.

Bath salts. Okay. All right. Okay. Now I get it. That guy's Sanders. I think so. Bath salts. Okay. All right. Okay. Now I get it. That guy's on acid. All right. Wow.

Okay. So for you audio listeners. What's up, Tony? Wow. Colonel Sanders is out of control right now. All right. So it's drug addicts. We got Jeremiah Watkins, who's clearly a cocaine addict.

If you didn't know, read his name tag. And then there's Bath Salt's Patty Reagan. Chroma Chris, clearly on some type of molly or psychedelics or something. He's on molly, it seems. And then back here we have

what appears to best be described as stoned Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Wow. Are you guys just going to stand up the whole time? If we want to! Wow. This is out of control.

I'm going to pull people's names out of the bucket and they're going to have to stand around there, Colonel Sanders. Okie dokie. They might actually be on the drugs that they're labeled as. They are fully committed. A little bit scattered. Taking a real while to sit down. So I'm excited about this.

We have drug addicts. Audience, what do you think about these characters? Are you excited about this? Come on, you're going to do better than that! Oh, Jesus. All right, Jeremiah. Oh, God. Wow.

So, I guess Oh, God. I guess you guys finally found characters in which you can literally do whatever the fuck you want. Awesome. Bingo, bongo, booga, bonga! Oh, shit. Kramer has not aged well at all. All right, so I have a bucket full of comedians' names.

Sometimes it's a comedian, sometimes it's an insane person, sometimes it's a virgin. You never know what's going to happen. I pull your name out. You get 60 seconds of stage time uninterrupted. We don't say a word. We're not even going to laugh into our microphones if we find it funny. We're just going to let you die a slow death if it's bad.

And you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Let's get this motherfucking party started, shall we? It's Kill Tony episode almost 260. I don't know. What is it? 257? I think it's 258.

258. I'm doing the round numbers. Don't ever ask me to do an odd number again. Our five-year anniversary is June 18th right here where you're going to get to see a bunch of fun stuff happen. But let's get this party started right now. All of a sudden, all this hectic shit happening on stage. Somebody's going to have to come up here and break the ice.

And your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes to Mark Golub. Here we go. Mark Golub. All right. This new entrance is not working out well so far. It's hard to see. Good luck in Hollywood, you idiot.

Mark Golub. Ha, ha, ha. All right. I like this. I love one-word names. Call Pepper. Call Pepper? I see movement.

I see aggressive movement coming this way. It is. It's Call Pepper, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Yeah. I knew he was black, too. If it's a one-word name. One more time for Culpepper, everybody. Come on. Thank y'all, man. Clap it up for Kill Tony, y'all. Clap it up for Kill Tony. Man, this is dope, guys. I feel like we need to love more, honestly.

And to be honest with y'all, I wish that everybody in the world loved themselves as much as Kanye West loves himself. Because Kanye West loves himself so much that if he was a superhero, he would be

the only superhero to wear a mask of his actual face. That's love, y'all, and I want us to get there, man. I really do. And it's like, it's just a lot of random thoughts that, like, flow through my head. And, like, everybody might not agree with this, but it's just how I feel. I think black people that don't know how to dance should be allowed to park in the handicapped spot. Basically what I'm saying is, I deserve a disability check. Fuck yeah, call Pepper.

Thank y'all. All right. Call Pepper. That was fun. Thank you. Thank you, man. Can I just say it looks like the band says the word nigga for dessert. Okay.

Sounds like that guy might say it for an appetizer. I say for fun! Culpepper, this is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, first time on the show, man. You have a much deeper voice than you look like you would have. Yeah. I was expecting to hear Jaleel White. Did I do that?

I get that. I get that. Jersey Home Alone, he had the voice of Kevin McAllister, Talk Boy, when he had to make it sound like an adult to order. Yeah, like a pizza with pepperoni, please. The father. Paul Pepper, what do you do for a living? Man, right now I just kind of tell people that I'm, like, self-employed,

but I'm really just unemployed. So, yeah, I'm just kind of looking for something. So you're self-employed, just business is slow. Yeah, yeah, there you go. There you go. Yeah, man. So, you know, it's just – I'm just trusting God that everything will work out. Great.

Leave it to that. That is not a good person to put your trust in at all. So what was the last job you had? Last job I had was working at a shoe store. Which one? I went from back home. I'm from Miami. It's this spot down there.

I don't want to give them a cheap plug because they fired me, but it's a spot down in Miami. Like a Haitian shoe store? It's a Haitian shoe store. They just sold flip-flops and shit. They fired me because they came and I fell asleep in the back. And they were just like... I'm more concerned that they came while you were falling asleep. I got me too, man.

I got me too. So do you fuck with Kanye or not? I love Kanye. That's my dude. That's my dude. All right, I'll fuck with Kanye. All right, man, that's why I'm wearing this. That's why I'm wearing this.

But no, Kanye is my dude, man. You kind of look like Kanye a little bit. I think I get that a lot. How long ago was that job at that shoe store? About five years ago. What the fuck? I had a weird fucking feeling. It took you so long to answer.

You almost didn't even remember the last job you had. So what are we talking about here? Did you get an inheritance or something? How do you survive? Oh, man. I, you know, just kind of hustling here and there. You know? Wow. Oh, man, I, you know, just kind of hustling here and there, you know. You know.

Wow. Okay, Bad Salts. We got a lot of sound effects on this show. All right. Can we keep it? All right. That doesn't make it better. All right.

Wow. All right. Wow. All right. How old are you, Culpepper? 27. 27. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 27. And you haven't worked since you were 22.

I know. And wait, when did you move out here? No, but that's the thing. Back home, you know, I did comedy back home as well in Miami. So, you know, I got a little. I don't know if that counts. No, you're right. Nobody ever thinks of the great comedy city of Miami.

No, you're right. You're right. But no, but like really though, it really just has been like. What's the hustles that you do for work? Trusting. How do you make your money? Sell plasma? I think things that I couldn't say on TV without.

You think you're on TV right now? We are live. Oh yeah, we forgot to tell you guys. We're live on TV now. You can't listen to this podcast anywhere. We've downgraded it. You aren't shooting it in 4K. Nah, but like honestly though. Hold on, hold on. We have to stop

the entire show because literally I mean it's a real live show tonight. Okay. Patty, please. I love you, dude. He looks uncomfortable. All right. Don't look at me as the voice of the reason tonight. I know, but I mean, we can only give so many warnings before we have to start fucking. No, but I've been I've been in like LA since

like October, so this is like, this is huge to me. This might be the closest to TV that I get. You're absolutely right. This is definitely the closest to TV. Unless you work at Circuit City. This is easily the closest you've come to stand up. We know he's not going to get a job at Circuit City.

There is no Circuit City. But yeah, so you know, I'm just Is your last name Culpepper? Cul. But, yeah, so, you know, I'm just. Is your last name Culpepper? Culpepper, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we figured that much, yeah. Were you ever an athlete? Of course, yeah. Slow down, slow down there, Cul.

Mostly jumping over fences after he steals people's wallets. He's not Mexican. What's a crime that you've gotten away with that you can't believe you got away with? A crime that I've gotten away with that I couldn't believe. Driving? Yeah. Oh, well, no, yeah. Driving with a suspended license.

Yeah. Hey! Is it still suspended? The suspense is killing us. What kind of car do you have? Wow, this guy's a real criminal. No car right now. Wait, so you're driving on a suspended license?

No, no, no. I used to have a car, but I sold it to come up here. How much did you sell it for? How much did you miss your car? Oh, man. I sold it for like $300. What the fuck did you have? A Ford Roller Skate?

It was a really old car. It was a 98 Toyota Avalon. A lot had to be done to it. I was desperate for money. Yeah, for real. I was desperate for money. It really wasn't that old. It's a 98.

I was just like, hey. That's only 20 years old. It's a 98. That's only 20 years old now. So yeah. Alright, well we're not going to get any answers out of you since you're obviously a serious criminal. No, no, no.

What do you want to know, man? This is like... Pat, what do you think is going to end up happening here? You're going to pull his cock? I don't know. I just don't know exactly. It's just not going to make it to the podcast.

We're just going to have to ignore it. You still happy to be up here? Am I still? You know what, man? Yeah. You know what, man like you know what man i guess i pray no like i i pray that that god will uh allow me to get up you're leaving a lot of things up to nobody why would you there's fucking nothing up there man i mean this is it i mean hey you know what i'm saying you mean you talk to yourself until you got it.

But I'm up here, though. You know what I mean? Good or bad. Now, where are you living at out here? I'm up here. I stay in North Hollywood. What does that mean? You stay there?

Do they know you're staying there? I mean, I live there, but I stay there. I mean. All right, Cole. Where? I mean, wherever. Studio City. Do you have any hobbies or anything fun that you do? Yeah, wherever. Studio City. Do you have any hobbies or anything fun that you do?

Yeah, man. I pray a lot. That shit is fun, nigga. You need it. For real. Hey, can we get some bars? No, I pray a lot. You're not praying for thicker legs.

Damn. Is that Joel? legs. Damn. Is that Joel Berg? Yeah. Wow. Joel Berg just said you have tiny legs. How does that make you feel? I think they match his stature. It's not like a big dude.

I take it as a compliment. You have the legs of a guy that prays a lot. Listen, you don't want big legs when you're praying. It's hard to fold down. Right. No, like, real talk. It is. Did you pray for skinny legs?

Yeah, I prayed. No. Dear God, if I could just get two skinny legs. No, I didn't. I didn't pray for skinny legs. Then a white bitch knocks on your door. But yo, yo, yo. But before y'all get me off stage.

Oh, shit. This is the part where everybody dies. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. There's just one more thing I want to tell you all. He wants to do a group. No, yo. He wants to do a group prayer.

Yo, like, nigga, it was just great to meet you, man. Because, like, back home, like, you that nigga, man. And we fucked with you heavy, man. I was talking about you. I thought he was talking about me. I'm like, oh. Thank you, G. Thanks you heavy, man. I was talking about you and then he was talking about me. I'm like, oh. Thank you, G. Thanks for recognizing,

but I hope we meet you, man. Wow, look at that. That goes to show you credits versus street cred right there. I thought for sure he was talking to Russell. I'm like, why did he call Russell the N-word?

That's aggressive. All right. But yeah, man. Hey, man, it's cool. Tell them niggas back home I said, hey. For sure. For sure. There he goes, Culpepper, ladies and gentlemen.

Just skinny legs out of here, Culpepper. Fuck yeah. So that's how it goes. Watch your wallets as he walks by you Ladies and gentlemen Because he's not going to steal it He's just going to pray that they end up in his pocket I mean that is a guy

Who you sort of know If they only go by one name If they just go by their last name That they're a criminal That's a fun way to know, too, because they don't want to get caught or anything. That's my drug addict, Patty Reagan, right there. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Malik Bazil. That's Jeremy Sipio. What's up, y'all? Hey, G. That was a funny-ass play. That was real beautiful, nigga. Thank you, bro. I really appreciate Hey, G. That was a funny-ass play. That was real beautiful, nigga. Thank you, bro. I really appreciate it, nigga.

That was real beautiful. Hold on. Let's restart. Okay, let's restart, Malik, without doing crowd work on the panelists. Here we go. One more time for Malik Bazil. A fresh start. I don't follow rules.

I don't give a shit, you know what I mean? So my bad, G. Neither does Patty Reagan. Who gives a fuck? Let's try it one more time. Malik Basile. I'm allergic to white women with pierced nipples. You can laugh.

I know I'm kind of giving a shit. Had this white broad over my crib the other day. So, you know, I saw her titties. It was nice. She had it pierced and shit. So I went to go suck on them. It tastes like a roll of quarters I'm like the fuck shouldn't think about laundry while I'm sucking your titties y'all gotta step it up Lloyd ladies give a shit give a shit that's your broad right there I mean look at her I know southwest titties when I look at them, G. She tastes like an airplane tire. Give a shit, G.

That's 60 seconds. That's enough, Tony. That's enough. Y'all want more of some shit? Yeah. You ain't even at 60 yet, dog. You good. Keep talking to them. Let me see who fucking here. Fellas, make some noise. You ever made love to your chick like gave her the best sex of her life?

Yeah! Yeah! Yes! Fuck yeah! Because you needed a place to stay. Who the fuck in here right now? Fuck yeah. All right. Malik Bazil. Fuck yeah.

I like it like this. Malik, you are not dressed like you came to Do comedy tonight But I fucking like it Old school jogging pants I like that you cross branded You wore Jordans and Adidas This is a guy who doesn't follow the rules

He said that at the beginning I'm cross branded like a motherfucker He wearing Hennessy and drinking rum He know what the fuck going on. Vodka and shit, G. Fuck yeah, Malik. What's up, Russell? You good, G?

Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, all right. It's good. Wow. You all good and shit? Y'all good and shit? This is just going to be one of those episodes

that I regret from the very fucking start, isn't it? I mean, just unbelievable. Malik taking the reins and asking the questions up here. Malik Bazil. Not to be confused with his brother, M. You said what? Malik. No, it's Malik taking the reins and asking the questions up here. Malik Bazil. Not to be confused with his brother M.

It's Malik though. A lot of people say Malik. Is this your first time on the show? No, I've been on here before. What happened last time? Similar. Something like this. The crowd.

There was an audience. Four guys with mics. Malik, remind me, how long have you been on stand-up? Okay, sure, Malik. Fuck. That's his agent. Now the audience is correcting me. It's a fucking fun one tonight.

Nothing but momentum from the get. Fucking Meltdown City, obviously. People had a really rough fucking week. Bringing in to work with them on a Monday. Adorable. It's great. When you was sucking out white girl titties with the earring in them or whatever. The hole.

She had the little heart and shit. Did she take them out? Nah, nigga. I was trying to tell her it would taste like onion powder, but she got mad at me. Onion powder? Give a shit. You got to start telling these women the truth. It's a couple women up here. You're sucking their titties. It tastes like chlorine. Tell her. Give a shit. You gotta start telling these women the truth. There's a couple women up here

sucking their titties. It tastes like chlorine. Tell her. Give a shit about it. That's clean pussy. He said, yo. He said chlorinated titties. Chlorine tits. Good. A pool or something.

I've never seen y'all this quiet on this episode when I'm up here. Right now, I'm up here. Y'all good? Right now, I'm on my best behavior. You better not say nothing to this baby. Tony, this is like the criminal episode. Malik, if you ask one more fucking question on this show, I'm going to kill everybody here,

including myself, so just stop doing that, please. It's all good, G. Remind me, what do you do for work again? You used to work at a shoe store or some shit like that, right? That was the other one. Come on, man.

That's a different guy. What do you do for a fucking hour? Hold on one sec. Hey, Jamar, you work at a shoe store or some shit? White? Hey, Jamar, are you working at a shoe store or some shit? White.

No, no, no. I don't work at a shoe store. No, that was a joke. I know. What do you do for work? Hey, do you work at a shoe store or something? Malik, or fucking, I just called Jamar Malik. From the first time I say Malik's name right, I called Jamar Malik. Hey, man, you weren't going to.

It's purple, Russ. Well, that's a nickname, right? We've let Malik stall on this question long enough. What do you do for a living? Hey, G, I live off my dreams, bro. Wow, you also pray for a living? Very good. Gotta pray, G.

Really? How do you make money? I'm very frugal with my money when I get it. Yeah, how do you get it? He cross brands. Cross brands, G. I do whatever it takes except... Wait, hey, Malik, you ain't that fucking thrifty.

You got brand new Jordans on that just came out Saturday. Is that true? Yeah, we got the same old... I know, that's how come I know? Yeah, G. I'm wearing them. Show the audience your fucking shoes and shit. Yeah.

Jesus fucking Christ. For you podcast listeners out there, that's what Russell's shoes look like. Hey, this makes good listening. Oh, my God. Because Russ is down, man. I always suspect Russ. Russell Peters and shit. Give it up for him.

When you say he's always down. I'm down. When you say he's always down, what other past experiences have you had in which Russell's been down? They know. Hey, listen. They know, alright? I used to shoot dice to his stand-ups in the fucking garage and shit. Who's dice?

Hey, forget about it. Shoot dice? Alright. I'm the only one that got it. It's comedy, audience. Shoot dice. Yeah, what's good, G? Everything's comedy. Shoot dice. Everything's good, Malik. That was technically another question. And that was another question.

What's up with the sword? Do you ask questions all the time, Malik? Yeah, because I don't like... Every time I'm with a lot of white men, I'm in court, G, so I want to see where the fuck I'm at now. There's only two right here. It just gets progressively blacker by the end of the table. What are you, G?

I'm Mexican. You're Mexican? More questions, man. This is ridiculous. Oh, Malik, Malik, Malik. What do you do for fun? What are some things that you do when you're not doing comedy and when you're not hustling? What's fun?

This is what I do. I'm going to ask you. Other than this, Malik. Okay, bet. I like to tell people, you know how when you're on the intersection, the highway, you like to tell, yeah, come on, come on, you can cross over. And when they're about to cross over, I speed up. I get excitement out of that shit.

If they white, I speed up on purpose. Fuck you, whitey. Wow. Say it for him, G. Hey, sometimes Malik goes to the grocery store, walks through the cracker aisle, and gives it the finger. Hey, I saw him spit in a mayonnaise jar once. Hell yeah, man.

Give a shit. Marshmallows. I piss on marshmallows. I do a lot of shit. Walks by, sit and go, fuck you. You waiting for crackers. White woman outside told me I had talk show hair. So I'm kind of bougie right now.

He said talk show hair. Talk show hair. Dude, you got good ass waves, show hair. You got good ass waves. I got good ass waves. She saw me and thought of Ellen. I don't give a shit about this. Sporting waves. Why do you think of Ellen? That's what she said. She said I had talk show hair. That means you got lesbian hair.

How long have you been doing stand up? For a couple of months. A couple months and you started here in LA? Yeah, I started here in LA. More like game show nips. That didn't land. Get him. Get him, Malik.

That didn't land, G. All right. Light that nigga up, man. All right, Malik, we're going to keep moving on. It was good to see you again. Malik Bazil, a lot of questions, not a lot of answers. Malik Bazil and his brother M, M Bazil. Malik Bazil and his brother M.

M. Bazil. I got it in earlier, but nobody finished the jokes. I had to say it twice. Tony, I think that bomb rip before the show... On behalf of the non-white sector of the room, I want to apologize to the white people. There's no reason you should feel like that tonight. Talk to those two Indian people right there if you need help with this.

Sure, one of them's a fucking therapist of some sort. There was a dental assistant here last week. Dental, dental. When did you fucking become an Indian? Dental assistant. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Joe Barco. Uninterrupted 60 seconds.

The fuck? Joe Barco? Back we go. No barcode? Wow, this is interesting. Put your hands together for Julian Bryant. Julian Bryant. Oh, here we go.

Wow. Hey, guys. Out there dating. It's very interesting. Guys dating females, you're going to be paying for things, paying attention, paying for dates. That's why they're called females. Generally, fees are involved.

That's why they're called females. Generally, fees are involved. You know, a lot of guys like women who wear high heels. I actually like flats. You know, it shows confidence with your stature. Right? It's healthy. High heels look sexy, but you never know when they take off their shoes, it might be. Hammer toes. Don't want to touch those

Nope Keep going You know I was walking on sunset I seen girls outside the seventh veil Always girls, right? Nude girls, wild girls You never see the word women Do you think there are many frustrated pedophiles

walking out with their arms crossed, pockets full of candy? Man, the full breast. Thank you, guys. Fuck yeah. Julian Bryan. Hi, Julian. Into the mic. How's it going? Excellent, man. How are you?

Great, great. This is your first time on the show. This is my first time. Yeah, very excited. Thank you. Hell yeah. How long have you been on stand-up? Seven months now, since August. Just moved from Stockton, California, down here February 1st. Oh, we love Stockton. Diaz Brothers land. There you go. That's true. 209.

209. Fuck yeah. You were born and raised in Stockton? Born and raised, man. Just moved out here. What made you move down here? Pursue comedy, seriously, you know. That's's where the industry is you could have gone to the bay i'm just saying i don't want it's not that we don't want you here i'm just saying it's just a shorter fucking drive it's all i'm saying you could have gone to play it again sports yeah you could have gone to play it again sports for sure 100 you could have just started comedy there. You could have gone to a fucking play it again sports.

And you know that? Now I do. Anyway. Really good one, Patty. He's on bath salts. Remember everybody. Yeah, fully committed. Has anybody ever told you that you look like Cuba Gooding Jr. in Snow Dogs? No.

Wow. I can't believe how well that reference worked. Because nobody can recall what he looked like in the movie, but they remember the shitty movie that he did. I live very close to where The Price is Right is taped, and you look like everybody that waits in line every day for that.

He looks like the ones that are left over from Let's Make a Deal that walk over to Price is Right. He looks like Paul Mooney. He looks like he went through Jason Mraz's Lost and Found. You don't look like yourself.

You look like a Dominican grandpa. Joelberg is here. Fuck yeah. This side knows what the fuck's up. All right, Julian. So what else? You just moved here. What do you do for a living?

You used to work at a shoe store, right? No. I'm actually at Roro's Chicken. It's a Lebanese restaurant on Cherokee. What's it called? Roro's Chicken. Roro's. Uh-oh.

Fluffles, kebabs, all that. I mean, you're quite a contrast from the last black fellow we had up here. Yeah. And yet you're the one working with chicken. Contrast from the last black fellow we had up here. And yet you're the one working with chicken. Dude, Russell Peters is my favorite comedian. You're so funny, Russell.

I just want to say that from the bottom of my heart. Of your high heart. Isn't that a ringing endorsement? Fuck, I've never felt so accomplished. So Julian, what's your love life like? Man, out here single, just trying to talk to these females, man. Trying to get this started, but single right now, yes.

You, sort of like me, have feminine qualities to your voice. Yes. One could say, I get that a lot. It's more feminine just all around with you. No, yeah, sure. Thanks, Russell. Pouty lips. It's more feminine just all around with you. Yeah, sure. That's so much the voice. Thanks, Russell.

Pouty lips. It's my vagina. You're a pretty man. My sweet, sweet. If you decided to dress as a woman, it would be believable. People would be like, oh, look at that bitch. I did it. There's an episode out, Kill Jeremiah.

There was a part where feminist Tanya came out. I binge pressed a little boy at one point. It was very bizarre. This guy, Cokehead, remembers that. You stayed up late and watched that episode, huh? Tony, when you were a woman, I haven't stopped jackditting off to that.

Did you say jackditting? Yeah, I jacked it off to that every night. That is a quadruple callback from weeks ago from Joel Berg. I love it. Julian, you said that you are just waiting for the females. Is there anything that you're doing to

go out and find some or anything like that? Not waiting, but being proactive on the streets, approaching old school. You seem like you would sit outside of coffee shops and smoke cigars. Am I correct? No, maybe some herbs occasionally, but no cigars, yeah. Did you really win

that shirt from a radio station? Well, you know, I used to work for K-Win in the 209, so I was on the street team. We'd hand out, you know, shirts, flyers. You didn't hand out all of them, apparently. I'm also on the street team. Yeah. How old are you there?

33. 33. Be careful. That's when Jesus died. Bruce Lee, too. Matter of fact, just this past weekend. Nailed it. So you kind of look like Jesus.

Jesus of playing in sports. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I totally agree with that. So Julian, like what do you do for fun? What are some things that you found here in L.A. a little bit different than Stockton that you enjoy doing? Just every night is, you know, lights, camera, action, man.

Every night is like a carnival. Every night it's lights, camera, action. This is a, I'll tell you what this reminds me of. It was literally, this is sort of a braggy thing, but I'll say it anyway. It was that I was staying in a nice hotel over the weekend doing shows with Joe Rogan in Nashville and Charlotte. And one of the things that I did was I went down to the steam room at the hotel to sweat out some demons after the flight and everything. You know what I mean?

It feels good. It's called cum. There you go. Sure. And the guy that... There's always a guy that has to, like, show you around, like a male chaperone that's like, the lockers are over here, ba-ba-ba-ba,

you know what I mean? And I always hate the fucking thing, but there was one point in which... and he had just like you, Julian, he said his S's like this. You know what I mean? Very pronounced. And there was one part where he goes, this is the lounge. As you see there on the table, there's some mixed nuts.

And it really stood out to me. I had to really try to not laugh. Good thing there was a straight couple like Joe Rogan and Tony Hinchcliffe to bring some heterosexuality to the proceedings. Fuck yeah. What a hip take on comedy that is. The old Rogan and Tony must be fucking if they're doing sold-out theaters together. You're right, Pat.

That's the stairway to success right there. The stairway to mediocrity. Fuck yeah, absolute mediocrity. You're right. Yes, very good. Why does this feel like a real beef between you guys right now? Very bizarre. Hey, Julian, you have anything to add to their lover's quarrel that's going on right there? I'm not getting involved.

Hey, I noticed something, Julian. This is not personal, but you have a very small top lip for a black man. Half black. What's the other half? Chicano. He's got the top lip. The bottom. So wait a minute.

If you and Jamar had a kid. Latinos stand up. Your black jean is strong as shit though. But the top lip is the Chicano part. Yeah, I guess. And the hat is the black part. I'm looking at your lip now. Your Chicano from the top lip up.

Gotcha. All right. Interesting. Well, what else, Julian? Anything else? Have you been on one date since being here in L.A.? I've been on one, yeah. Yeah?

Where'd you go? We went to Pinches Tacos over here, actually. Wait. Pinches Tacos? Pinch, pinch. I don't know. Pinches Tacos. Pinches Tacos.

Pinches Tacos. Pinches. I took that. I had the hairy taco. Pinch's tacos Pinch's tacos Pinch's tacos I had the hairy taco I went to Pinch's tacos Did you get a chimichanga? I took her home, I said I'm gonna suck your pussy I got the salsa on a Sunday September 7, 17

You like sopes? The sun was coming up over Sunset Street Give me that carne asada 17. Do you like sopes? The sun was coming up over Sunset Street. Give me that carne asada. Spread those butt cheeks, because I'm about to squirt. Oh, no. Ice is coming.

Wow. Julian, how'd the date end? You went to Pinches Tacos, and then what happened? Did you get some Pinches pussy? That should be continued. Have you ever done a line of me off a dick? No. So what happened after the tacos?

Nothing. Just exchanged numbers. It's still going on. Didn't you already have her number? How'd you get to go on the date with her? No, this was actually after a comedy open mic at somewhere, and we talked, and it was like right on the spot. At the comedy thing, you were like, hey.

Where was that spot? This was actually at the Laugh Factory. Yeah. It's raining gold. Hey, you want to go to Pinches with me? Do you like tacos? How about small donkeys? Burritos.

It was another comic. It was another comic you took? Correct. Huh? Correct, yes. Julian, if there was a... Never fuck another comic. It's never good.

If there was a book of fun facts written about Julian and his life, what do you think one of the coolest fun facts would be? You know, like you could do something. You have a special skill or something. I notice you're fluffing up your top lip now. I can wiggle my ears. Wiggle your ears.

All right. No, no, I wasn't really asking you to do it. I was just confirming that that was what you thought. You don't have a more fun factor, yeah. Do you have an innie or an outie belly button? What? Innie. That's the Mexican.

All right, you let him off the hook real easy on that one. Hey, left-handed or right-handed? Okay, good for you. I just felt like he had a gross outie. All right, Julian. Very, very interesting take on that. This show's like the Titanic. It's just not going anywhere.

Yeah. No, but this is like the last 20 minutes of Titanic is what this show's like. None of the real storyline or buildup. What's the band sync? Yeah, exactly. All right, Julian Bryant. There he goes.

Thank you, Tony. First time on Kill Tony. What can I say? What can I say that I haven't said before? This is the number one live podcast in the world. You guys ready to... You guys having fun out there or what? How live is this show?

How underproduced and completely How live is this show? How underproduced and completely improvised is this show? We are showing right now how what we do every other week, how hard it is. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Subramanya. Subramanya. Subramanya. Subra Manya. Subra Manya. Subra, come this way, that way buddy. Let's go. Yeah, there you go. Very good. Alright. Put your hands together for Subramaya. Subramaya. I just got back from India. I went there searching for God. I did not find God.

But I did find diarrhea. I went to Thailand searching for true love. I did not find true love. But I found diarrhea. Again. A wise man once said to me, spicy curry going in, spicy curry going out.

I should have listened. I'm starting my blog about my travels. I'm going to call it Eat, Pray for No Diarrhea. All right. Subra Mania. Can I just say I love this guy? Maybe we could just start over. Maybe we could just, you know, everyone has to go and leave.

No, it's too late for that now. Subra. That's clearly not your real name. I can show you my ID. Great, now I'm good. It's legit. It's Ed Sheeran. I know you had a kid.

John Lennon and Ed Sheeran had a kid. It's a pleasure to be here. Subra, you've been on the show once before. I remember your face. I've brought my hippie ass here before. What happened last time you were on? If you could give a quick wrap-up report of what we learned and talked about.

I confessed about me being vegan and how it's led to my balls shriveling off. What else did we talk about? And the interview part. The interview part. We talked about my music, my album. I made it in India and played a little bit of it. And, yeah, it was good.

You got a demo? I do. I'm on Spotify. Oh. Oh, yeah. SoundCloud is for amateurs. Oh, shit. Wow.

Don't cheat your own food. I'd say it sounds like you got beef, but you're vegan. Stop, Subra. Stop. So, Subra, you didn't bring the flute last time, right? No, this is a first. Right. Is that part of your musical?

Yeah, I felt like I kind of want to pioneer the Zen flute comedy scene. You want to be the Zamphere of comedy? near the Zen flute comedy scene. You want to be the Zamphere of comedy? Thanks to the people who understood the reference. Tony, I think this is the guy Julian took out for tacos. Hell yeah. Is that true?

Only that night it was a skin flute. Jackfruit tacos. Yeah, I was going to say, for that big-ass flute, you're not much of a charmer, you know? So all your jokes were pretty much like, I got diarrhea, play the flute. Yeah. That was not, I mean, do you have anything deeper than that, or is that just it? Is it just diarrhea? Any other symptoms or anything like that?

And that's coming from Red Band! Yeah. What's the sound of one hand clapping? What was that? What's the sound of one hand clapping? What was that? What's the sound of one hand clapping? What is it? A Zen student masturbating. Wow.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Do the joke again, but with the flute. And then end with diarrhea. Super, how often do you get diarrhea? Oh, you know, once a month at least. No, I don't know. All right, once a month. I'd be shocked if you didn't know.

Aren't you following me on Instagram? What? Aren't you following me on Instagram? Or scat chat? I thought you wouldn't know. All right. Scat chat. Where'd you grow up?

I was born in Germany, Saudi Arabia, New York, Tennessee, high school in Arizona. All at the same time? That was a long labor. Your mom had a Z. Get on the plane, bitch. We're leaving. It's a long pussy. Military family, you know, army.

Wow. Is your dad still alive? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What part of the military was he in? He did IT for the U.S. Army, so he wasn't in the army. But because of that, every promotion he got was a different military base. Wow.

So the nerd part runs in the family. Yeah, very deeply. But the toughness of the soldier, you didn't get that part in your DNA, huh? No, not at all. Or the toughness of the asshole, because he gets diarrhea monthly. Wow. So where's your favorite place that you've been? The toilet. Nepal and Thailand are definitely up there for me.

Kathmandu? Yeah. Or Kathmandu-do, am I right? And you seem like, are you still working on the music thing? That's something that you're aggressive about? I don't think anything is aggressive about him. Yeah, I am. Even if he had cancer, it wouldn't be aggressive.

I'm focusing on art right now, mostly. Art? What kind of art? Drawing, painting, fine art. Shitting on a tarp? You look like Louis Sick K. Fuck yeah. I mean, he does. Subra, you look like you record

your music in a yoga studio. Has anyone ever told you that? On a cassette. That's a first. I actually have played music in yoga studios before. Wow. Big surprise. Alright guys, Downward Dog music in yoga studios before. Wow. Big surprise. Big surprise. All right, guys.

Downward dog. And I got diarrhea. He has hella tattoos. I do. What do you have? He got like a gang of tattoos. I got a few. That's thug.

I'm a spiritual gangster. Most interesting story behind one of your tattoos. Good question, Cokehead. This one I got in India. It's a trishul symbolizing Mahadev, Shiva. That's Brian's Indian music, by the way. Ferris Bueller's huge down there. Ferris Bueller's Dale.

What does that mean, what you just said? So essentially, this is a symbol that is always associated with Shiva. It means cultural appropriation. Yeah. Actually, my name, yeah. It is the Lord Shiva who uses the Trasula to protect him. So Super Manya, like my name, I'm actually named after the son of Shiva. So that's kind of why.

But you named yourself that. No, no. Wait, who named you that? I got that name ten years ago when I was living at Ashram. Right. Given to me by... That's better. You should have named yourself Shithead.

Aw. Name yourself Dumb fuck asshole shithead Wow What was the guy of the name that named you? What was his name? Parmahamsa Nithyananda Oh fuck I know that guy He didn't have so much a name

As more of an energy He was like a guru Yeah like a yoga master from South India How long did you spend with this guy? Oh, like, you know I met him in 2009 Met him in 2009?

Next thing you know, you're a pin chase taco 2009, and you got the name 10 years ago So, you said, what? Well, close, I guess You went from South India to Northern California Hey man, I've been everywhere I close, I guess, you know, nine years ago. You went from South India to Northern California. Hey, man, I've been everywhere. I'm a cosmic being, you know.

Whoa. Okay, shut up. What's on your birth certificate, Bill? My birth name's Corey. That's pretty cool, that. Wow. Wow, alright Guess what you're getting called for the rest of your time up here It's better than shithead Wow So Corey

Next thing you know What was it that let you let this guy that you knew for a short amount of time name you something? Changed your name. I studied with him for three years, and then I got the name. What did you study? Yoga, meditation, pranayama. What, what, what, Pontiac? Kama Sutra.

Kama Sutra. Did he ever try to do anything naughty to you? Did he ever put your flute where you can't blow? Did he ever say, Yeah, how many times did you guys do downward dog? Did you guys ever touch flute tips? What's with the anal beads around your neck? Yeah, good question. What is with the anal beads around your neck? Yeah, good question

What is with the anal beads around your neck? They're skulls Butt skulls, am I right? Butt skulls, yeah, exactly My favorite thing about him being up here And him being repeatedly insulted by strangers Is he has to be zen and take it Does it bother you when I call you Corey? No strangers is he has to be Zen and take it.

Does it bother you when I call you Corey? No. Not a little bit? Not a little bit. Come on. Tell them how you really feel. Actually, this is fun. It's kind of seeing how creative you guys can be with insults. I feel like you guys got more in you. We definitely do. I think you guys can do better. Super, super.

We don't have as much as the South Indian had in you. Subra. It's pronounced Subaru. It is. That's why I have the name. Do more listening, Subra. Here we go. Settle back.

Breathe a little bit. Do some of the shit that your master taught you, all right? Subra. All right. Wow, you studied for three years? Your balance sucks. Subra, out of all the time that you spent with your master, did you ever notice him doing

anything not zen? Can you give an example of one time where you're like, whoa, that was sort of crazy. I think he was sort of getting mad there for a second. Yeah, definitely. Can you give us an example of that? Do you're like, whoa, that was sort of crazy. I think he was sort of getting mad there. Yeah, definitely. Can you give us an example of that? Do you remember what it was? Sure. I've seen him chew out a couple disciples before. Yeah, what was that like? Judas, don't betray me!

Go ahead. You know, it was like something silly. I don't know. They didn't clean the hall properly. It's kind of like a Zen master type of thing. It's not at all. It's an Indian thing. It's an Indian thing. Fair's an Indian. Fair enough. We just yell at people below us. He screamed at him?

It wasn't like screamed. What was it like? Can you do an impression of it? Oh, it was like. Go ahead. It'd be very hard to do. Not that difficult. Not that really difficult.

Contour the darkness. Hey, you dirty dog, clean up the ding-a-ding. I don't know. I don't want to offend anybody. Wow, how did you do Russell Peters just now? Weird.

It's like watching Jeff Dunham and I'm one of his puppets. I found my heart chakra. Oh, God. Do you recharge your crystals? Do you put your crystals outside to get some of that blue moon to charge it up? Oh, absolutely.

This is a serious question. I like where he's going with this. What is one of the things that you think we would find the most ridiculous that you do? Other than calling yourself Subramanium. Yeah. I live in my car. That's not impressive at all. If you lived in a rickshaw, I'd be impressed.

Ridiculous. You have to be more specific with me, man. I'm ridiculous incarnate. What's something that you think is the most spiritual thing that you do or the most free and blippity-blop bullshit shit that you are? You know what I mean?

What's the most you thing? The most bullshitty thing that I do? Yeah, yeah. You don't wear deodorant. Hell no. No, I do. I like to spend a lot of time in nature, to be honest. Nature or Asia?

What did you say? Both. What? What'd you say? I like to go to parks. I like to hang out in the ocean Wait, wait, but fucking park has an ocean I know, you know, multiple places

I never went to the Griffith Park ocean Comma, I like to go to parks Comma, ocean And what do you do? You just get in the ocean? No, man For me it's kind of just being in the present moment Following a tune of my senses The way you just said no man was sort of I think I'm of just being in the present moment, following a tune with my senses.

The way you just said no man was sort of, I think I'm starting to make you a little angry, huh? No man? Who the fuck just gets in the ocean, man? That's what I feel like you wanted to say there. I mean, how do I say it? I feel a lot of people have a lot of misconceptions about spirituality.

I don't blame you because there's a lot of airheads out there who don't really know what they're talking about. For a lot of time, I was one of them. Hello, cattle. This is the pot. As I matured, for me, it's essentially as simple as not being absorbed in your thoughts and choosing to be in your senses.

For a Zen master, you stress me the fuck out. I think I just puked in my butt. You just made me think about way too much. Now I can't even be present. Dead man. Alright, Super. Well, it was fun that you came back. It's a pleasure. Thank you for having me.

Even the lady that dressed up as a bunny tonight is fucking disturbingly bored right now. Look at that. Even she's like... She took her ears off so that she couldn't hear anymore. All right, there he goes. Subra Mania, everybody. Subra Mania.

There he goes. Peace, zen, love. Fuck yeah. There he goes. I feel like his flute might double as one of those blow dart guns. I'm just excited to be part of the worst Kill Tony ever. It is. It's definitely up there.

No, we definitely have worse. Who knows what can happen next. You guys having fun at the worst Kill Tony ever? It's unbelievable. It's really not that bad. Last week was too good. That's what happened. We jumped a hurdle last week.

Sometimes you have to go back to get forward again. Put your hands together for Cal Hamilton. Cal Hamilton. I don't see any movement. Oh, wait. Here we go. Here he comes. Cal Hamilton.

Here he comes. Hell yeah. It's Cal Hamilton. Cal Hamilton. I feel awkward coming up here after the worst show ever. That's a good shit. I'm not fucking Charles Barkley or his son. Like when I take my hat off, though, like it's like something like it.

Yeah. So I just found out I just became a father, so I'm actually nervous. Thank you. Yeah. He turned 13 next month, though. It's kind of fucked up right now, you know what I mean?

I'm a stepdaddy. I can step away from him if I want, you know. But we're bonding. We're cool. We're cool. A lot of people ask comics, what makes you want to become a comic? I had to think in my life, like, man, what the fuck made me want to do this?

I was like, uh, I think failing the third grade was a good information. Like, that's what I was going to do for my life, you know. The teacher asked me on the last day of school, like, Cal, can you spell orange? I looked at the class like, of course I can. I was like, do you want the color or the fruit? She's like, oh, bitch, you're just failing.

Thank you, Jamar. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. Fuck yeah. Thank you. Cal Hamilton opening up with how this is the worst Kill Tony ever, and then holding true the whole 60 seconds. Fully committed to just keeping it there.

I mean. I was smoking a joint in the back. You were smoking a joint in the back? What's up with everybody's S's tonight? We got a whisper. A closet. It's very on the border tonight. Hell yeah.

I was smoking pot. When did you turn into Mike Tyson? When he took his hat off. This is Mike. It's the Pierce. When he took his hat off. It's just Mike. It's the Pierce nipples and the Mike. Fuck yeah. You remind me of Mike Tyson if at one point he worked in a shoe store. Still there.

You want some Nikes? Still got it. You want some Nikes? All right, Cal, relax. You've been on this show before. I have. The last time you were on the show, you weren't six months pregnant. No.

What happened here? Did you have your own special Thanksgiving? I went to India and got diarrhea. No, this is my stepdaddy stomach. Stepdaddy stomach. Yeah, I'm in between. It's like one pack. Try raising the kid.

It'll burn calories. Look, this is a Midwest grade A body. Tony, everybody knows the Ninja Turtles love pizza. Oh, shit. Yeah, that was good. Thank you. That was good. Well played, Donatello.

Man, he look like a milk dud. Now, that's racist. Cal, remind us, what do you do for work? Well, I do videos. I do like all that digital. I do videos. Yeah, right. We have had so many unemployed black people

on this show tonight. It's just sort of sad. I feel like we're like contributing to a stereotype. I really hope Donald Trump's listening. I'll work, yeah. Just so you know, Jamar works. He's on Black Jesus returning to Adult Swim this spring. Yeah, Slink Johnson.

Yeah. We love Adult Swim. Also the home of the great Eric Andre that Patty Reagan writes for. I love Black Jesus. So, Cal, what else has been going on in life since the last time we've seen you? Real talk. You don't have to try to be funny. No, I'm not going to be funny.

No. We know that. Clearly. We know. I said you don't have to try. You did my birthday show. You know I'm funny. I said you don't have to try. You did my birthday show. You know I'm funny. I said you don't have to try to be funny.

I did your birthday show. Remember we, yeah. What? You did my birthday show. Remember y'all used to kick it? Birthday show? When was this? Last year.

I feel like you're getting sad because I don't remember your birthday show. It was last year. Are you about to cry right now, Cal? That was the last time I saw you. Man, when you was at your birthday show. It was last year. Are you about to cry right now, Cal? That was the last time I saw you. Man, when you was at my birthday show, I remember I was blowing out the candles. And I saw you. You're my friend.

And you was like. You're my boy, blue. No, I've just been chilling. I've been taking care of my son. And he's 13? Yeah, he's 13. Yeah, fuck. He don't need you no more. He didn't have me before. 13. Grown ass man.

Go get work. Or make another kid. Did you really just find out he was yours? When he was born. Wow. Yeah, man. That was sad. Are you sure he's yours? Wait, he was born a 13 year old? Does he speak? Yeah, to his step was sad. Are you sure he's yours? Wait, he was born a 13-year-old? Does he speak?

Yeah, to his stepdad. Like this? No, he don't speak like that. He be like, what's up, nigga? I'm still confused. Is that your stepson or your real son? It's my real son, but I stepped out his life. You call him stepson.

Why do you step on him? Why did I step on him? Because I mean, why did I step on him? No, he's cool. Stick with it. We're going to fight. His mom married somebody, and you know. His mom married somebody. So that made you the stepdad?

Yeah. What? Hold on. It's crazy. Cal, over here. Stop looking at the ground. Look. No, no, no, no.

Look at this. I don't care. This is something. Cal, you're on a live fucking show right now, dude. I've been on this. Stick with me. What's up? You don't need to find gems on the ground.

All right? Cal, over here. He's not going to find gems in his head. Let's figure out more. What? Let's figure out more exactly what the fuck you're saying here. So you came inside of a woman, right? Nine months later, she had a baby.

Nine months later, she had a baby. I didn't find out until that day. And then that day, she hits you up, and she's like. That day, her cousin hit me up and said, hey, Tiffany is four months pregnant. Go figure. A guy I'm playing basketball with had sex with her four months ago I didn't know about. So they're laughing at him. Like, you got her pregnant.

Ten minutes later, no bullshit. They call back saying she's eight months pregnant they look at me and said Cal you fucked her you got her pregnant no it's been about nine ten months ago they call back later ten minutes later and say never mind the baby's here Cal get to the hospital dead serious ten minutes later Maury called me like you want to come on my show I think that if I listen to what you just said a hundred times, I still would have no fucking idea. You don't get it.

It took 30 minutes to find out. You're still the dad. You're not the stepdad. That makes you the father. I don't know if you know how that works. Craziest episode of Maury Povich I've ever been part of. Fatherhood in the community is not a big thing. It is to me.

Fatherhood in the community? Wait. Alright. What's up, Jamar? So there was a basketball game going on. No. Right? And then both of a gang of daddies He's mine. He's my son.

That's my son, of course. But they call... We know you're's mine. He's my son. That's my son, of course. But they call... We know you're going to say that's your son. We got that part. That's my son. Right. We got you. Does he have your jump shot?

I need to find that out. He does not have your defensive skills. No. No. So, this kid, now that he's 13, you've been, what'd you name him? Can we know?

His name's Jaden. J-A-Y-D-E-N. Who won the game? His name is Spalding. No. No. His name's Jaden. Wasn't tennis.

He's cool. He's a good kid. Yeah? Yeah. He just got accepted to a private high school next year, so he's cool.

What's the worst thing he's ever done, like, misbehavior-wise? Who, him? Yeah. And then when you're done answering that's cool. What's the worst thing he's ever done misbehavior-wise? Who, him? And then when you're done answering that, you.

That's the worst thing you've ever done misbehavior-wise. You know what, he don't do nothing really bad. Come on, he must have done something. He really don't. Dead serious. Do you beat his ass? Nah, because he likes video games, so he knows hey, you can't do this shit if you fuck up. So he don't fuck up.

When he gets mad at you, does he ever call you Daniel Cormie gay? What the fuck? That's a good one. That's a good one. I like that one. All right, Cal. Yeah. So, I mean, back to you.

What's the most misbehavior-like thing you've ever done? Misbehavior-like? Yeah, because it started with a kid. I'm just going to keep it on. I remember I had a hit and run. Yeah, that was your son's birth. That was a good one. That was a good one.

That was good. A hit and run. That was fun. Who'd you hit? I ran. I didn't know. John Jones. It was in Ohio. It was icy outside.

What part of Ohio are you from? Cincinnati. Stop bragging. You hit a person or a car? It was a car with a person inside. This wasn't in the early 90s, was it? Are they okay? My mom was involved in it.

It'd be so great if I found him. Hey, mom, guess what? We got that motherfucker. You know that degenerative spine disorder that you have from getting T-boned at 70 miles an hour? Found him. I'm from Ohio, too, Cal. I got you on the fucking scene.

And he's got a kid. Adrian Boner is here. It's all cool. What an unfortunate place to be from with a lisp like that. What? Cincinnati. Cincinnati. Cincinnati.

Cincinnati. Cincinnati. Sunshine State. Yeah. All right. Right on the board of Kentucky. It's good to see you. Still got to kill Tony 360.

I did the first episode of 360 Kill Tony, so I'm glad that this is still one of them. I like that everything you had to say had a 360. Russell Peterson, good to see you. All right, Cal. Red Band, good to see you. Anything else for Cal, guys? Cal gone take me away. Yeah.

All right. There he goes, Cal Hamilton. Thank you, Kill Tony. All right. You know what? Every once in a while, Thank you, Kill Tony. Alright. You know what? Every once in a while you have to just pull out a fucking make everybody happy. Cheat code, right? Cheat code. That's what we'll call

this next maneuver because we're going to bring up a young man who you all know as the new regular here on Kill Tony. From North Carolina. First ever male regular on this show. Put your hands together for the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, y'all? Yeah.

I hate dudes who go to jail and come home mad. My cousin just came home pissed off. He was like, damn, Malcolm, you ain't write me when I was in jail. You ain't call me. You ain't send me no money. I said, nigga, you was locked up for two days. Ain't nobody tell you running that red light, nigga. You should have slowed down.

Other than I ate pizza at a restaurant called Delicious and it was nasty. I said y'all should change the name to Ugh. Other day I was at an ATM and I asked the dude getting money out if he knew what ATM meant. He said no, what does it mean? I said all the money. And he was white and he asked a question. He was like is that really what it mean i said all the money and he was white and he asked the question he was like is that really what it mean i said a stick up give me all the money i got a mama who liked to pray a lot when i was young she always prayed i got bit by a mosquito one time i said look mama got bit by a mosquito she said oh lord bow your head baby we gotta pray about this she said lord please hope my baby ain't got aids i said, Mama, it's a mosquito

She said, they fucking, they don't wear condoms Bow your head Malcolm Hatchet There you go Fuck yeah Coming in, laying it down That's what smiling is This is yet a fun fact for everyone.

This is another true comedian. It's a good comic. We had a good comic on it. Seven months in the game. Should we talk about his Instagram stories? Absolutely. I was going to take a second and talk about how that was another great minute, but there you go. Another fun minute.

You did it again. Fuck yeah. So let's jump right into it two nights ago you had an instagram story that blew my fucking mind to shreds because there was a young lady was she a comedian she trying comedy she was trying but she was she ain't done it yet she'd be bullshit right now i can tell and i guess you were out on the sidewalk and uh mean, the beef of the story is that she called you the N-word. Was she white? Yeah.

That's a bad start. And he's recording the whole thing and just uploading it all to Instagram stories as it goes. And after she calls him the N-word, he starts recording and just starts absolutely roasting the shit out of her. he starts recording and just starts absolutely roasting the shit out of her and when I say roasting I mean like not being like loud or yelling just fucking slowly just delivering like devilish

lines Kenny Rogers unbelievable do you remember some of them well she had a little bit of a belly and his first one was like bitch what are you pregnant or are you just a fool?

You got that Chipotle belly. I mean, even I, I was just dying re-watching him. I fucking love that shit. Just using your words as an absolute weapon. It was unbelievable. When shit got going,

he starts saying, that guy she was with was that like her date or whatever like that was her husband but I said that was her brother yeah he kept saying that they look like brother and sister together and there's one part where they're walking away together and

he goes bye bye brother and sister and she turns around and starts racing towards him and he starts running it's like blair witch shaky's just cracking up i was like i was like all right brother and sister and she started running and then her husband he's still videotaping all this is the husband holds her back stops her and you could tell she's like you know getting very very mad at him trying to stop her from coming at you she was like hitting him.

And then what was the last insult that you said when he was still trying to hold her back? Like you said another thing right before she did the next thing. Oh, when I was down there? Yeah. I was like, leave your sister alone. Yeah. And the fact that you kept calling them brother and sister was driving her so

crazy that she punched her husband in the nose, broke his nose, blood all over his face to come down and still not do anything to you. You just kept lighting her up then, too. Then I put the camera on his face. I was like, you got knocked the fuck out. He was like, give me that phone. I really hope you saved that story.

Oh, yeah, I got it. I got it. Hell yeah. Upload that shit to YouTube. I am telling you, you gotta follow Malcolm H12 on Instagram. What he's putting on the stories is like a fucking TV show. You're just putting the best shit of your real life out there, and it is. I mean, that is a show in today's fucking world. It's unbelievable. You were also staying with somebody a couple days ago.

Oh, yeah, my homeboys from back home. We got an Airbnb. Yeah. Yeah, that's so fun. How many friends did, my homeboys from back home, we got an Airbnb. Yeah, that's so fun. How many friends did you have with you from back home? Two. Cerejo and Dandy. And you guys basically,

Malcolm, over here, you guys basically threw some money together and got an Airbnb for like one night or two nights? Nah, they threw some money together and invited me. It was for one night. North Carolina. Malcolm lives in one night. It was tight. North Carolina.

Malcolm lives in his car. So that's sort of a funny thing that his buddies would get together some money for an Airbnb for like one night. Because your buddies are homeless as well, right? Yeah, they're my neighbors at the Planet Fitness. Yeah, everybody just lives in their car. They park next to a Planet Fitness. And they're like, you know what? We might be poor, but tonight we're Airbnb rich.

And it was so fun. Don't you need a credit card for Airbnb? Yeah, but tonight we're Airbnb rich. It was so fun. Don't you need a credit card for Airbnb? Yeah, they'd be calling you. My guess is that the Indian kid got Venmo from his parents, right? He's got one Indian friend that seems like he sorta has his shit together. He looks just like the kid.

They all comics and shit. Everybody a comic? Nah, they do music. Alright, buddy. We get it. They be singing and shit. Man, so that's fun. I love it.

What else is going on in life? A lot of crazy shit's happening since you've been on this show, right? Yeah, yeah. I haven't quit no more jobs. I've just been calling out. Yeah. People have been Venmo-ing you money, too. Oh, hell yeah. I've been balling on Venmo, man. I bought this shirt been Venmoing you money, too. Oh, hell yeah.

I've been balling on Venmo, man. I bought this shirt with Venmo money. Yeah. What'd they send you, 50 cents? No, it was six. Fuck yeah. I love it. One of them hemp shirts.

Well, what else, Malcolm? Did you guys have fun at that Airbnb? Yeah, we almost got kicked out. Yeah? The lady had to call you? Nah, we almost got kicked out. Yeah? Yeah. The lady had to call you? Nah, she was in there. Some other guy was checking. We had the crib to ourselves, so we was doing some MTV cribs on Facebook Live.

Yeah. And then some dude checked in, and we was real loud. She was like, y'all got to be quiet. Because we homeless, so when homeless dudes get in the crib, we don't know how to act. Yeah. That is so funny. We was cutting up. I noticed that you broke the rim on the basketball court

almost immediately. You know, next Tuesday we have a death squad show. Me and Tony are on it. It's at the Hollywood Improv. Malcolm's going to do a full set, so if anyone wants to see him do a full set. Hey, look at that. Catch him at the Hollywood Improv next week.

Pull up. Any other advice? Jamar, I know I started with you almost 11 years ago and we used to wait in lines together at open mics and do everything. Waiting out in the sun and I see Malcolm doing the same thing. You were playing dice the other day outside

of the Laugh Factory on a Tuesday. Probably scared those poor Laugh Factory guys. We literally used to do that shit together. Any advice or anything? I think it's funny, man. Just keep doing what the fuck you're doing. Don't think about it too much, either. Yep.

Fuck you. That's your heart. 11 years. Yeah. 11 years. 11. 11. That's cute.

That's cute, kids. 11. Let me tell you about 30. 30 years in this game are you 30 years in I'm really 14 Russell any parting words for Malcolm Malcolm come here for a second brother

I'm going to take this money and buy some shit with it there you go how about that a fucking stack of cash god damn dreams coming true fuck yeah that's real life Venmo. That's some real shit right there. Appreciate it.

You're the only one that had a good set. Besides her. That's a good rack. There he goes, Malcolm Hatchet. Another fun appearance on Kill Tony. Coming in, swinging the momentum of the show into a positive favor. All of a sudden, everybody out there is smiling. Fuck yeah. Malcolm Hatchet.

Want to go back to the bucket again, huh? You guys want to fucking do this shit? Back to the show where anything random can happen? Maybe we can all as an audience pray for this next bucket. If we've learned anything from earlier comedians tonight, prayer doesn't help.

Oh shit. Alright. Oh, shit. All right. Oh, boy. And I'm scared. Put your hands together for Jay Shebang, a.k.a. the great and powerful N-word baby? Wow.

What's up, Brooklyn? Old black guys, when they see me, they just get upset. This old black dude earlier was like, man, this boy had the nerve to use color combinations. Nigga looked like a crayon. Go back to the Simpsons, then. And that was it. That was our whole interaction. You know, we all got those people we call when we're in trouble. And, you know, for

me, that's my grandma. She's just like every other grandma. You know, she's warm, loving, generous, believes in the American dream. She also believes ISIS is putting sharks in the Great Lakes. I don't know how credible she is. I'm not trying to end up like her, man. One of those dudes just staring at the wall. You see him all the time, just staring at the wall. So y'all just gonna nut in my mouth and leave, huh? All right, Stay healthy. Woo.

Fuck yeah. Alright. Jay Shebang. Hello. How's it going? Hey. We're close. We're close. What do you mean? Yeah, physically. Yep. Very good, Jay. Wow. Great observation. See how this interview is going to go.

Is there somebody hitting people in the head with an aluminum bat before they come up here, by the way? I love it. Is there car accidents going on? Jay, how are you? Well, my legs are shaking for some reason. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe because your shorts are too short.

I'm doing good, though. I'm doing good. Good. This is your first time on the show. Yeah, yeah. Why is your pockets inside out? Were you just arrested or what the fuck happened there? Just trying to prove he ain't got shit going on. Way to go Lenny Kravitz.

It's only for the real ones. Solberg, I love you so much. So Jay Shebang, let's get it going. Let me start here with your name. Jay Shabang, a.k.a. the great and powerful. Have him read it. Okay, you read that, Jamar. Can I get away with it?

No, probably not. You said it before. I say it all the time, but not on stage. Jay Shabang, a.k.a. the great and powerful nigga baby. I mean, in all fairness, Jay, you look only half. He looks like a rubber ass character. I grew up around enough black people to know half of one when I see one. Is this your whole stage name?

No, just the first part. Jay Shebang, why do you look like you take a knee during the national anthem? Oh, shit. There you go. Woo! Jay, are you 100% black? No, I'm not half. No, look at him.

But you're the great and powerful n-word baby? Really you're the one? Jamar what do you think about this? Calling himself the great and powerful n-word baby That nigga lion He does look more like a lion Than a Pay no attention to the white man behind the curtain

So who's Jewish in the family? Nobody How long have you been digging holes with Shia LaBeouf? Madam Zeroni Jay, how long have you been doing stand-up? I started when I was 18, and I'm 21 now. And you're 21 now. When did you start?

18. So you want me to do the math? It's three years now. I want to not ignore the fact that you said, I don't want to end up like one of those dudes like my grandma. I don't want to end up like one of those dudes like my grandma. I want to address the fact that you just called your grandmother a dude. And that people nut in her mouth.

I want to know why you said this about grandma. Where are you from? Michigan. Oh, yeah. Flint. Sharks can't even be in the Great Lakes. Exactly. That's what the joke was. I know, but it's just so, it just doesn't even.

Wait, what part of Michigan? Barack Obama. Where? Metro Detroit. Metro Detroit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Metro? Metro Detroit.

Is that like grass shit in Seven Mile or some shit? Nah, nah. Like fucking Livonia. And you moved here from there so that you could dress like that? Yeah. How long were you a character in the cartoon Rocket Power? Mmm.

I don't know any of these references that are landing tonight. I don't even know what that cartoon is. Man. I can see Sideshow Bob a is. Man. All right, Jay. I can see Sideshow Bob a little. Shabang, your real last name? No, it's not.

Oh. Is your middle name The Hole? What's your real name? Corey? No, no. What is it? Actual real name? Yeah, Arthur.

I'm joking. Arthur? Hold on, let me guess. Arthur? Stevenson. Clark. Am I close? Nah. What is it?

It's Jor-El Scoggins. What is it? Jor-El, yes. Scoggins. Stallions? Scoggins. The last name is like Scottish, Irish. Yeah.

So is your pigment. Jor-El, so clearly the black one named him. Right. There's no white person going, ah, Jor-El. Well, Jor-El, isn't that Superman's dad's name or something? No, that's Jor-El, so clearly the black one named him. Right. There's no white person going, ah, Jor-El. Well, Jor-El, isn't that Superman's dad's name or something? No, that's Jor-El. Oh, I don't know. All right.

Jor-El robbed a bank. Jay, how long have you been in L.A.? Two months. Two months. What's your living situation? Sleep in my car. Wow, this is incredible. What kind of car do you have?

My car is actually decent. It's an 05 Caddy. Wow. Which one? 05 Caddy. Yeah, what kind? DTS? Down to suck.

Yeah. That's how I survive. That's how I get my funds. Wow. Where do you park your Cadillac to sleep at night? There's this parking lot in Studio City. Huge parking lot. Sometimes the security guard messes with me

and I just kind of weirdly answer my way out of it. What do you do, your act? Nah. Yeah, I was gonna move, but I don't want to be like those other dudes like my grandma. Alright, son.

Go back to sleep. Jay, you close with your parents? Yep, that's a no. Pretty much. My mom more than my dad. Which is which? I mean, which is the black one? Oh, my dad's black.

I knew the math on that. I just wanted to say it. I thought it was your mom. I thought your mom was Aphrodite. Oh, she told me to say that. Oh, really? She told me to say that. There you go.

Great minds think alike. All right, Jay. Me and Aphrodite coming up with this shit. I think you and him had great minds. No. No, no, no, just me. You look like a Drake Chia pet. There you go. That's a good one. Fuck yeah, started from the bottom, now you're there

Alex Thwong Do you know any of Tyler the Creator's boys? I ran into two of his people For real? Yeah Literally with your Cadillac? They were sleeping in the same parking lot No, I follow.

I did follow the whole crew, but it kind of, you know. No, I just kind of follow Tyler. Yeah. All right. Wow, that's hot. Oh, yeah, you were on the golf app. Yeah. The Raze Garcia thing.

Yeah. You get mad work, Jamar. Nigga, I'm out here. Jay, what do you do for fun? Get a car wash. Play basketball, skateboard. Watch Pauly Shore movies in reverse. How about at nighttime?

What about your nightlife? Nightlife? Just find a parking spot and try to find a place to dookie. That's pretty much it. Try to find a place to dookie. All's pretty much it. Try to find a place to dookie. Dookie. All right. Well, there you go.

Stop bragging. The parking lot that you tend to park in in Studio City, what's it a parking lot for? Planet Fitness. Nah. I got a gym membership at LA Fitness, though. Where do you park your car in Studio City? Is that where you shower, then? Yeah.

Smart move. I like that. The parking then? Yeah. Smart move. I like that. The parking spot is behind, it's near a Vons in the Panera. I know exactly where it is. For real? That's actually not Studio City. That's Sherman Oaks or Encino.

No, I do know what he's talking about. Sherman Oaks, bitch. Yep. Thanks, Patty. I think there's a play it again sports in that plaza as well. All right, Jay. Well, I feel like there's so much more to you, but you're not really giving us anything.

Oh, I haven't masturbated in six months. Really? Is that true? I haven't busted a nut in six months. How's that possible? What's that all about? He doesn't jack it off, you know? Why have you done this to yourself? He was frozen in ice.

Because he doesn't be weird and jack off in his car. You're 21 and you haven't jacked off in six months? No, it's since November. You're going to take somebody out. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Okay, guys, with your energy and your round of applause, let's have him jerk off right here. Come on, guys. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. With your energy and your round of applause, let's have him jerk off right here.

Come on, guys! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Have you noticed anything from not jerking off in the six months? Like, are your nipples sweating, or is there anything different? Is your hair getting weird? Why have you decided to not masturbate? What happened?

You start to kind of get retard strength a little bit. Where? Huh? Where? In your legs. In your legs. Yeah? You'll notice the difference, though.

Like, no, I won't. I'm 48 years old. I'm just happy to get a fucking erection. Hey, you can go to 4hymns.com. Yeah. You can try HIMS for a month today for just $5. We'll get you started for $5 while supplies last. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash kill.

Where do you shop? Have you not had an erection in six months yet? No, I for sure have. All right, let's slow down. What do you do with it? You let it go? Push it away. Why? The question is, why?

Be gone. Why? Are you... Deathly penis. Because apparently, I mean, I'm not trying to teach people or anything, but apparently... Well, if you are, you should talk to Subra. It's in that range, but not really. I just don't. I just kind of stop.

You know, the next time you have sex, you're going to nut in a second. Yeah. Like, you're going to be embarrassed. You're going to be like, uh-huh. Apparently it helps you mentally. It does not help. No, it does not, dude.

I should make you stupid. I'm telling you. Yeah, Jamar, can you get a little more into that for us, Jamar? Can you explain to him what you're saying? Yeah, if you don't fuck, you be dumb. Yeah. That's where the term dumb fuck comes from. Yeah. The last person you had sex with, what happened there?

What'd they do? Like teeth in their vagina? What did they had sex with? What happened there? What'd they do? Like teeth in their vagina? What did they do to you? The last person I had sex with was my, can you say an ex-fiance? Is that a thing? Absolutely. Yeah, that's a thing. Yeah, if you're not engaged to them anymore.

Yeah. Yep. That was like back in 2016. 2016. Yeah. Right? And then in November, after jerking off for a year, you were like, enough. With this fucking nonsense. You said, how did it go, though, right?

For you podcast listeners, Jeremiah is moving around a lot. A lot. Do you ever get frustrated and cry, come? So this last hookup six months ago with your ex-fiance. No, no, no. That was 2016. Okay. So that was the last time you had sex? Yeah.

2016? What happened with the ex-fiance? Why did it get called off? What happened there? She was tired of living in a Cadillac? And also you were 19? Yeah. She was like 20.

She was four years older than me. What are you doing with an old lady? I have a business proposition for you. We bottle your six-month-old cum. We start selling it everywhere. You start making a lot of money and then we start buying coke and we start spreading it around. What do you think?

Six-month-old cum in a bottle. What do you think? What do you think? Me and you. To the top. Me and you. Good business model. Last time you had sex with a girl, what happened there, Jay?

What was that like? Was that in your car? I did great, but it's because the condom. How do you know you did great? I did great because. She gave you her shorts? Yeah. She kind of tapped.

She tapped out, I guess. What does that mean? She went like this? She was too dry. Like that? She was too dry? Nah, nah. I don't know.

I guess I did good. It was weird, though, because the relationship was done months, like probably a year before that. Give us an example of when you knew the relationship was done. When I go... Nah, that's sad. Go's sad go ahead we don't know who she is a fucking moment before one of the band members jumps in we're not going for a kiss oh watch out we're idiots on the podcast. Don't do it, Tony! Don't do it! So, go ahead. We're not going for a kiss.

You were going in for a kiss. Yes, Russell. Yes. She would act as if it was a bothersome activity. I'm like, hey. When you're in a relationship, you don't have to go in for a kiss. You just take a kiss. How long were you with this? How long were you engaged to this girl?

I think I got engaged when I was 18. What the fuck at 18 made you go, I was talking to Darius. Rucker? The first guy. Which one was Darius? The prey guy. Culpepper?

His name's Darius? The prey guy. Culpepper? His name's Darius? Oh, that's your boy? Darius Culpepper. Yeah, it is, but... You just threw him under the back of the bus. Hey, that was fucking dry snitching at its finest. I'm confused. It was the religious ideas that influenced me getting engaged.

Well, let me tell you about all that bullshit. Don't exist. Go empty your balls, motherfucker. You're going to hurt somebody. Go stucco a ceiling somewhere. And don't do it in your car. You'll be really mad. Hey.

Jay, I'm still a little confused. How long were you engaged to this chick for? I was with her for a year and eight months. A year and eight months. How long of that were you engaged? A year and eight. Hey, a year and eight. Okay.

Gotcha. Seven months in, so like a year and a month, I guess. Yeah, a year and a month. Where did you meet her? Where did you propose at? What made you propose? Oh, I was going to propose at the park. But why did you do it?

Oh, why? Yeah. Yeah. Because you're 18 and stupid. That's why. I thought that I had it, like, figured out. Like, I'm like, all right, I'm just going to do this. I'm going to do comedy.

I'm going to just jump in the game. Okay, wait. Do you feel like you have it figured out now? Now? Yeah. Because you live in your car. And you haven't nutted in six fucking months. I got the game down.

I got the game down. You got inside out pockets and shorts that are too short. You got fucking brains on your shoes. These are customs. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. What made you propose to her? It wasn't just the religious ideas.

I was actually in what I knew to be love. What park were you at when you proposed to her? Somewhere in Lansing, Michigan. I didn't do it in the park. I thought about it. I didn't do it. Where'd you do it? I did it in her room.

Wait, at her parents' house? Nah. Oh, wait, I did ask her parents first, though. I did ask her parents. Fucking Midwest. Of course she was at her parents' house. She ain't just leaving. Lansing, Michigan.

That's all I had. I hope you weren't waiting for something really profound. What scares you? What are you afraid of? Other than the barber. Spiders? They could be living in your hair. What else?

I think some spiders are in my car now. They might be brothers. You should ejaculate on them and drown those bitches. You should eat them. I think some spiders are in my car now, though. I think they might be brothers, though. Do what? You should ejaculate on them and drown those bitches. You should eat them. If you come in your car, they're going to be like, how did pigeons shit on the inside of your window?

I didn't miss it. Do bitches fuck with your car? Can I taste you? Do they fuck with you because they like your car, too? Because it's a Caddy 05. Not really, no. No? I want to taste you. All right, Jay.

Shebang. You know, after we talked to you, I kind of like you now. Seem like a good kid. Stupid, but a good kid. Stupid, but a good kid. Well, there you go, everybody. Jay Shebang's first time on the show. He's on Twitter at Jay Shebang. Oh, God.

Oh, my God. Oh, boy. I say we double down on everything and do one more comment. I mean, I just... I mean, how much worse could it get? Do you guys really think we should go to the bucket one more time? You guys believe in this show way more than I do at this point. And I gotta give you credit for that.

Let's do it. I love it. Let's do it. All right. Put your hands together for George Anton. to give you credit for that. Let's do it. I love it. Let's do it. Alright. Put your hands together for George Anton. George Anton. Is that

George? I'm not seeing any movement. Blacklisted. Yeah, sure. They're blacklisted. These fucks don't even want to come back on again. It doesn't matter if they're blacklisted. How about this one? Handren Siri.

Is that a real person? Handren? Duncan Trussell guy. Oh, there you go. Handren Siri. All right. Here he is. Put your hands together for Handren Siri, ladies and gentlemen.

Isn't that Subra with a hat on? A different hat on? Hold on. One more time for Handren Seary, ladies and gentlemen. Isn't that Subra with a hat on? A different hat on? Hold on. One more time for Handren Seary, everybody. Come on. That was Duncan Trussell. I'm from Maine and Massachusetts. Just like there, weed is now legal.

Sam is here. Ever since weed became legal, I have started just aggressively rolling joints in public. With the vigor of a feminist breastfeeding mom. Just like, you have to be okay with this! This is fine! Don't you fucking look away! This is natural! And it's crazy, in that same amount of time, in that same amount of time that we became legal,

like if you look back three years ago and you walk out of here and you see somebody with a Bush-Cheney bumper sticker, you'd be like, really? Like, especially if it's not peeled at all, you'd be like, you're really holding on to that? Like, that's what you're... Now you walk out of here,

you see somebody with a Bush-Cheney bumper sticker, no Trump sticker, you go, that is a reasonable person right there. I can have a conversation with that man, and it is a man. It's my father. All right, thank you, guys. Fuck yeah.

Handren Siri. Awesome. What's happening, man? I believe you had your first time on the show last week. I did, yeah, yeah, yeah. And same way, you called up somebody, they weren't here, and then I got on last. Same thing

tonight. Wow, there you go. It's almost like you willed it to happen. I fucking got down on my knees back there and prayed. It must have been busy back there. I should tell you, I am a cobbler. I mean, you look like one.

Are you wearing a wire? Tell us if you're wearing a wire. You mean, you look like one. Are you wearing a wire? Tell us if you're wearing a wire. You look like you make artisan sausage. Handren, you're from Maine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Born and raised. What do you do for a living? I'm a comedian.

And you moved out here on a school bus. I remember that. Yeah, I moved. I'm on the road. I'm in San Francisco next weekend. Anyone want to check me out Saturday night? San Francisco? I'll be there.

Where in San Francisco? I'm doing the setup and Don't Tell Comedy. Just hanging around the Tenderloin. You should have watched this whole episode. That whole episode was a Don't Tell Comedy episode. So, Handren, anything crazy happen in the past week since we had you on last? Oh, man. Well, I fucking, I sprained my

ankle. It's doing better now. How'd you do that? Skateboarding. My brother gave me an electric skateboard for my wedding. How old are you? 33. Maybe it's time to give up the skateboard. That's what my wife said. I say, fuck that. No, man. I don't give it up like that. I mean, I'm more concerned that you have a wife and the skateboard. That's what my wife said. I say, fuck that. No, man. I don't give it up like that.

I mean, I'm more concerned that you have a wife and a skateboard. How long have you been married for? It's not so much the age. It's like, hey, bitch, can I go out? No. We got married in May, last May. So almost a year now. What does she do? She's a writer.

She's a writer for a very great non-profit. Yeah, she rides the bus. She, uh... I'm telling you, Russell. He didn't even hear what I said right. I'm telling you, Russell. I'm going to buy you out of your Eric Andre contract.

Handren, what's your favorite thing about your wife? Oh, uh, I mean... She has boobs. This is true, but the ass. You more of an ass guy than a boobs guy? It's her skateboarding foresight. Yeah, you know, that was the thing. When I was younger, I used to be way more intense.

As I've gotten older, it's all about the ass. Does she have good butt hygiene? Where the fuck did that come from? There you go, that was the thing. When I was younger, I used to be way more in tits. As I've gotten older, it's all about the ass. Does she have good butt hygiene? Where the fuck did that come from? There you go. That's Red Band. That's God. He's answering your prayers. Red Band.

Yeah, no. We do wet wipes on the bus. She keeps that shit clean, as I do as well. She just washes it. I mean, if you had shit on your finger You would just wipe it off You'd wash your fucking hand Do you eat the butt? Okay Brian you can come back

We get the joke You're listening from behind the curtain You're very nice Jamar You raise your hand unlike all these other heathens Who are you calling a heathen? I will kill you right now I will slit your throat He's committed to his character.

Jamar Neighbors, go ahead. And Tony is calling it out right now. Taking us out of the moment. Helmo seems like he's hosting a show. No, I'm not. I'll let you do that. Jamar Neighbors, you had that question from two minutes ago.

What's up, Bebop? What? Bebop? What? Bebop from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, circa 1990s. Oh, God. Oh, y'all don't fuck with my hair. All right. Where's Rocksteady, you idiot? Right next to him. What are you talking about? This is Bebop and Rocksteady, you idiot? Right next to him.

What are you talking about? This is Bebop and Rocksteady right here. All right, Duncan Trussell. Is she a baby wipe or a regular tissue type bitch? Oh, no, baby wipes. You got to go baby wipes. Baby wipes? Yeah, you know.

You got to go bidet. Bidet? Okay, rich guy. Fucking. No. I live on a bus. We can't all have bidets. Fucking. No. I live on a bus. We can't all have bidets. Hey, man.

Hop up on a sink. I've done that. There's things you can do. Don't you have like one of those like, what do they call them? Like water picks? Yeah. No. We got a pump sink in there.

We got a hand pump sink. That's how we use our. You're really committed to this hipster thing. Everyone lives in their car. Everyone lives in their car, Tony. How many people in America live in their car? I want to say, I'm different. I live in a bus that I fucking built myself up at our farm in Maine.

I gutted that whole thing, built it out. It is beautiful. Wander bus in us. You can follow us on Instagram. Still a car. It's amazing. Cal Hamilton doesn't, but I'm pretty sure you've made a really amazing point there. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,

and if you count Malcolm, eight. Dude, where's my car? There's a comedian sleeping in it. Yeah, I do believe, and maybe I'm wrong about this. Hey, we should do a podcast, Comedians in Cars Getting Sleep. This is really it. Eight out of the nine people you saw tonight

sleep in a motor vehicle. None of those episodes are in Porsches like that other fucking show. There might be something to that. The other one is raising a 13-year-old that's not his. I think you guys win. Becoming the father stepfather. How is that the only guy that doesn't live in a car?

The guy who just found out he was a dad. Go on. There you go. Thank you. You could be the host hosted by Fedora the Explorer. So stupid. Oh, I fucking love it.

Today's word is homeless. How do you see yourself getting out of the school bus? What do you think is going to happen? What's going to be the big turnaround? It's a choice. We can have an apartment. We're moving here this summer, just continuing the tour up the West Coast.

Permanently? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you're just parking the bus? Well, yeah, it's got a couple flat tires. We're just going to go ahead and leave it there. No, we're moving here in the summer. We started comedy in Boston seven years ago and then we said let's go on the road for a year.

And we said a year and then at the end of the year we're moving here. It was more of an adventure type thing that we did. But wait, when you can drive around and then you want to end up here, how did you end up here before you ended up here?

Just on our way through. I was in San Diego. But this is the end of the country. Oh, no. But if you go north, there's more. Never heard about it. Yeah. You'd do good in Seattle.

You should try it up there. Well, I'm from just north of Seattle. It's called Canada. The last guy hasn't jerked off in six months. What's the longest you've ever gone without coming? What time is it? No, I fucking took a shower today. I jerked off before the shower.

Sure, no, I understand that. But you've been married only 11 months. You ain't got to jerk off yet. Give it some time. How many months until your wife kills herself? On an electric skateboard. She won't step on the shit. She's not stupid.

She married a guy who lives on a bus. She's not stupid. This bitch makes good decisions. Handren, you got up two weeks in a row. Lucky you. There he goes. Handren's cereal got up two weeks in a row. Lucky you. There he goes. Handren Serial, ladies and gentlemen. This, my friends,

was what I would call a manic episode of Kill Tony. There's your drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. Amazing. You can find that at ryanjebelt.com. You can find a lot of things at ryanjebelt.com and you can find a lot of things at ryanjebelt.com a painted collection of the history of Kill Tony.

Tonight may have been the last episode ever of the show. We are the first ever podcast to get cancelled. Normally you have to be on a big network for that to happen. This is actually called Killed Tony. Yes. We have gotten word from the entire fan base that they are

done. Alright. Well. So much fun stuff happening. The Indian Detective is on Netflix. Fuck that show. Listen. I got a tour. I'm back out on the road.

I go to Europe in two weeks. Go check out the website. I'm doing Wembley Arena April 26th. Yeah! I got some other arena shits out there. We have a lot of listeners

in London and Ireland. Yep. We'll be in fucking Croatia and Iceland and Finland and... Russell Peters. Fucking all over the goddamn place. Dot com, right?

RussellPeters.com, please. Two S's, two L's. One dot, stay calm. Jamar Neighbors, one of the stars of the movie Keanu. Black Jesus on Adult Swim. What else, Jamar? Yeah, I'm going to be in that room in there in like ten minutes. Hell yeah.

Come in there. Almost all of us are doing stand-up in the original room at some point if you guys didn't get enough comedy, which I'm pretty sure, because I was here, you did not get enough comedy tonight. This was a heavy drinking night, I think. This was an

episode that I will encourage the fans to listen to in fast forward. Hey, but you know what? Chipmunk style, you know know get through it quick we'll be in Phoenix this week doing another episode so we'll make it up to you Thursday Doug Benson will be with us as a guest on that episode in Phoenix and the entire band is gonna be with us we love them so much Patty Reagan is the band leader I don't know if I ever give him quite enough

credit he is the one who brought in Jeremiah and Joel Berg and Chroma Chris. Thank you very much. Tony, I just have one thing to say. Yeah. Yes. There you go. I thought it was only one thing to say. There you go.

Jeremiah Watkins. Can I hear that for a second? Follow me on social media at Jeremiah Stand Up. I've got a new podcast called Jeremiah Wkins. Count that. You got that for a second. Okay. Follow me on social media, at Jeremiah Stand-Up. I've got a new podcast called Jeremiah Wonders. New episode dropped today with Tate Fletcher. Last week was Josh Wolfe. Having some great guests on the show. Listen up to that, and I'll be with the guys in Phoenix.

JeremiahWatkins.tv slash shop. Go there. Chroma Chris is Chroma Chris on everything. C-H-R-O-M-A C-H-R-I-S Is there an underscore in the middle there? No, just all one word, Chroma Chris. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

Win all out tonight. I'll be in Phoenix with these guys. I love you guys. Thanks a lot. If you like skateboarding, follow my buddy Joey McAdams. All right. Peace out. Phoenix this Thursday. We're all doing shows at the Tempe Improv where I'll be headlining all weekend

with these guys. Red band featuring and all these guys doing guest spots the entire weekend. It's going to be a blast. Tony. Joel Berg Jimenez is the next guest on Jeremiah Wonders guys doing guest spots the entire weekend. It's going to be a blast. Oh yeah, Tony. Yeah. Joel, Joel, Joel Berg Jimenez is the next guest on Jeremiah Wonders a week

from tonight, so listen to that. Love Jeremiah Wonders. We love it. We love it. Red Band and I have both done it, so make sure you listen to every episode of Jeremiah Wonders. So many dates at TonyHinchcliffe.com. I'm going absolutely everywhere. I already mentioned it earlier,

but Kill Tony, the show that you just listened to, is going to Fort Wayne, Indiana, Detroit, Michigan, Las Vegas, San Francisco, and Lansing, and Grand Rapids as well. Did I say Fort Wayne, Indiana? Fort Wayne Comedy Festival,

Motor City Comedy Festival as well. Thank you Speedweed Thank you L.A. Speedweed There's a Kevin Lee Light celebration of life for you fans of Kevin Lee Light Come hear some stories about our old fallen friend. Kevin Lee Light was a Hollywood Jesus who was a part

of many episodes on this show At one point he was the entire band and we had Jesus on the show many a times and he died so they're doing a nice show for him but he really died yeah he did die again

not like real Jesus who came back and shit this was our Hollywood Jesus he's like totally dead now April 8th 8pm Comedy Store uh yeah so much fun stuff next Tuesday the Hollywood Improv the Death Squad show live audience thank you so much fun stuff next Tuesday. The Hollywood Improv, the Death Squad show. Live audience,

thank you so much for coming out. We'll say hi to you and hang out with you on the front patio if you'd like a picture or anything. Really, I'll basically do anything for you after you came to this episode. And by the way, if your friend brought you here promising you that you were going to have so fucking much fun,

I mean, they're going to tell you this, but I'll tell you right now, while the show's still happening, they're right. Normally, it's just a lot better. Love you guys. It had nothing to do with really anything. Sometimes things just don't go all right. Tony, let's try to save the show. Real quick, save the show.

I'm trying. See you guys. Bye, guys. I'm trying. See you guys. Bye, guys. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That I was such a fool. I didn't know love could be so cruel Thank you.