KILL TONY - KILL TONY #259 (PHOENIX)

Episode Date: April 12, 2018

Doug Benson, Pat Regan, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 04/05/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. If you want to go to our website go to DeathSquad.tv There you have all the past episodes of Kill Tony Including all the video portions of the show Also if you click on tour dates you can get tickets to see us live At the Road Famous Comedy Store We do that every Monday at 8pm and we're always going on the road

Unfortunately we had to cancel our Nashville shows But we'll reschedule that soon. But we got a bunch of shows coming up, including San Francisco and a bunch of stuff coming soon. Also, if you go to TonyHinchcliffe.com, you can get

his information. He's all over the place. He's going to be in Wise Guys, Spokane, Washington, Vegas. Oh yeah, we're going to Vegas with Kill Tony on May 11th. That's going to be a wise guys spokane washington vegas oh yeah we're going to vegas with kill tony on may 11th that's gonna be a lot of fun uh so check that out uh anyways go to tonyhingecliff.com also ryan j ebelt he's the house artist uh you can go to his website ryanjebelt.com that's where he draws every episode he also has the kill t book. Check it out. RyanJEbelt.com And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV

There you have the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe and the Kill Tony shirt. There's only a few left, but there's a new one being released this weekend. So go to ShopSquad.TV Alright guys, here's a episode. This is a live show episode, as many live shows

are. The recordings are not always the best It's usually based on whatever Soundboard and everything that the local club has this place Seemed like it had a great sound Board, but when I got the audio it was all distorted and so then I had to take video from another source and take the audio out of it and fix it up so this is the best as it's going to get uh it's not too bad actually it's not not one of the worst ones uh but there's like a slight hum in there I tried to get rid of and

you'll see what I mean it's not bad and there's a good minute chunk in the middle of it that is not that good because I had to take the audio out and use a different source. So there is one minute mixed in here near the end that sounds like shit, but it's only a minute. Anyways, you'll get what you get. Here we go.

Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Kill Tony! Let's go! Tony, get up there, Tony. Let's go. What the fuck is up, Phoenix, Arizona? Look what I got, everybody.

Holy shit. We fucking made it. You guys ready for a great show tonight or what? You're here at the number one live podcast in the world. Fuck yeah. Live from Phoenix, Arizona. Brian Redband is here in this flesh. Yep.

This is the fucking real deal, everybody. I'm excited about this. This is our first ever Kill Tony in Phoenix, Arizona. Yes. Fuck yeah. Saw a half-naked lady on a dirt bike on the way here. I'm pumped about life. You got some fun eye candy out there, Phoenix.

Jesus. Yeah, some sour eye candy, too. You know what I'm saying? Some fucking Sour Patch Kids. Yes. Life is good, though. We're excited to be here. We've been to this city so many times doing stand-up. I truly can't believe it was weird during sound check. We're like, are we sure this is the first Kill

Tony here? But it sure as fuck is. This bucket is absolutely filled with gullets with names. And I'm excited. Should we just keep it moving? We have a lot more Kill Tonys on the road coming up. San Francisco, Vegas, May 11th. A lot of fun things.

That's all out there. TonyHinchcliffe.com, DeathSquad.tv. We're streaming right now on Periscope. That's the power of Phoenix's Wi-Fi. We were able to... We've got a nice Periscope action going on somewhere. Turns out a lot of people over there at Copperhead Blues. The fucking Chipotle over here. The Starbucks.

Everybody's sucking up the Wi-Fi. So we're on Periscope tonight. Not enough water, right? Whatever it is. But I don't know. Should we just bring out tonight's guest? You know, normally, when we have the band out here with us,

we don't even bring a guest. But you guys are in for such a special treat because this guest, how many of you are real fans of this show? Then I think you're going to love this. He's one of our favorite guests, one of the most used guests in the history of the show. You know him from Doug Loves Movies,

Getting Doug With High, Super High. Chronicon! It's the one, the only, Doug Benson! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Fuck yes!

Oh, yeah! Let's fuck. I'm excited about this. Wait, what show is this? Oh, it's Kill Tony. I'm sorry. I thought this was Fuck Tony. Yeah.

Get it. Get it. This table's at a real slant. Does it feel a little slanted to you guys, like it's going that way? Everything seems all right. There's good weed in Arizona, I guess. There's good weed. You know it's good weed when you forget what state you're in for a second.

Oh, I know what state I'm in. We are off and running. I'm excited about this We have the band here tonight So should we just bring them up You know them You love them It's Patty Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins

And Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez It's the Kill Toby Band The best damn band Yeah. Hola, hola. Hola. We them boys. Hola. We them boys. Hola, hola, hola. We making noise. Hola.

Hola, hola, hola, hola. Those were inflatable saxophones just thrown out into the audience. A lot of them were very excited. Most of them were just quick to cover up their drinks here in Phoenix. They did not want their drinks knocked over by a fluorescent saxophone. But the saxophones were awesome. It almost seems like the type of thing that would be available after the show from the band, right? Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah. It's Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. Patty Reagan. No characters tonight, guys? We're the Kill Tony band. That's good enough. Wow. I don't know.

What about this drummer that looks like Pocahontas with leukemia? Fucking Pocah joke. You'remia? Fucking Pocahontas joke. You're right. The weed in Arizona is good. Pocah, Pocah, Pocah. You got that drug line coming right up from Mexico.

It's good shit, right? One of the fun things about doing Kill Tony's on the road is we get to see, you know, you guys listen to the show and we're there every week. And we get to see so many people that made it out to L.A. to, you know, chase their dreams and things like that. And what's cool about these Kill Tonys that we do on the road is that we get to meet people that are still wherever the fuck they are. So usually it's always more interesting, compelling characters

because you get to find out why they are still in Phoenix. They're not actors. Yeah, what keeps them here in the valley? Yeah, so I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty fucking excited about this. This bucket's filled with names. If I pull your name out of the bucket, if you signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds

of stand-up earlier, just to let you know, you get 60 seconds of stage time. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrapping up the intermission you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Okie dokie. Five more sound effects than we needed on that one. Just to let you guys know, the stairway is right here. So it's right there.

So if you're coming from over there, you just got to fucking Price is Right this shit. You know what I mean? Just make it happen. And that's about it. Should we fucking start this party or what? I'm excited. It's a crazy bucket of names. Looks like The Undertaker's earned, too.

It's WrestleMania weekend. Who's excited about that? All right, I pulled a name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Dustin Hadlock. Here we go. Here he is. Dustin Hadlock, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah, thank you very much. So I'm starting to lose my hair.

I've got bad teeth. People tell me all the time not to worry about those things. You know, it just gives you character. I'm like, yeah, every character that Steve Buscemi's ever played. Am I right? All right. First one up. Here we go.

You know, I've actually had girls tell me in the past that I look like Leonardo DiCaprio. Yeah, when he was in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Fuck yes. Thank you guys so much for laughing. Holy shit. Oh, fucking God. Last time I was here, I did an anti-flag reference.

It didn't go well at all. Oh! here I did an anti-flag reference. It didn't go well at all. All the comedians over there are stuck. Okay. You know? Okay. There you go. Dustin Hadlock. Alright.

Let me start off with this. Am I loud enough out there? Does it seem like crisp and loud and extremely clear? Feels so quiet up here. But all right. Turn it up, right? Yes. Okay.

Everybody just turn the volume up. Price is Right was fucking bumping, man. It sounded great. That's what I want to sound like. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. More power, power. You're loud enough. I am?

Yes, you're way too loud somehow. I think you sound pretty good, Tony. Doug, you sound great. There you go. I sound good. Thank you. All right. Can Red Band do his break?

Dustin, step back up three more steps up there. I like you up there. Solid six seconds. Right up there. I like you up there. Solid six seconds. I don't want you behind me like that. So much happened there, Dustin. You had like three silent meltdowns at different points during the show. Am I right? Yeah.

At one point, you said something about the comedians, but you didn't want to go there or something like that. I have a minute. I have a minute. I have a short amount of time. How long are you going? Get all those jokes in that you can. Especially with your 15 second silent segues that you're working with.

Joelberg. You referenced a joke that you did last time that didn't work also. That's a fun segue just standing there in sad silence. When you said last time you were here, do you mean on the podcast or here at this venue? of fun segue just standing there in sad silence. Yeah. When you said last time you were here, do you mean on the podcast or here at this venue? Last time I was on the show, last time I was on the podcast,

yeah, in LA, in the fucking main room. Yeah, well, this is the main room here, too. And the main room at the comedy store. This is the main room at the Stand of Life. How long ago was that? It was probably like

maybe six or seven months ago it seems like. Yeah, and you went to LA for how long? I was there for like two years and yeah. Tony,

isn't any room that the Golden Pony is in the main room? Okay, John. Wow. That's a reach all the way from... I have had a personal experience with all the main room. Okay, John. Wow. That's a reach all the way from... I have had a personal experience with all the people on...

Okay, okay. Can I say something? Finally. Try a joke, Dustin. Can I get a fucking word in? Can I get a fucking word in? Shit, he's got a gun. He's got a gun.

Oh, my God. Security. Everybody here, use your turn signal. I'm tired of it. Dustin, it's too late. It's too late, bro. I fucking have pictures of me and Doug Benson on my Instagram. Don't roast me.

I'll be deleting them tonight. Oh, my God. Dustin. That would be tragic for me. I'm stuttering. Hold on. I'm stuttering. Dustin, Dustin, Dustin, over here.

I had a bad stutter in high school. Dustin. Dustin, you need to make eye contact with me. Look at me over here. I had a bad stutter in high school. Dustin. Dustin, you need to make eye contact with me. Look at me over here. I am. Okay, just relax. I'm fine. He's suddenly a different person.

Did that pee come out of him? What is this on the ground? It's not pee. It's not pee. No. I'm good. Dustin, what is going on with you, man? How old are you?

29. Wow. It's kidding. You look a day under 36. Man. Dustin, why do you look like all the characters of the Roseanne show if they were mashed together at once? Topical.

She supports Trump now. Oh, you are just bombing left and right. It's incredible. Was the show two years ago better? Seven months ago? No, I swear the material last time, the minute last time was way worse. I got laughs tonight.

I'm going to say that. He's like having polite Tourette's. Yeah. I can't believe it.. He's like having polite Tourette's. Yeah. I can't believe it. A lot of the open micers over there will fucking agree that it's crazy that I got called first. No, no, no, no, no, no. It would be crazy if you got called up first if you were opening for Seinfeld or something like that. Being called up first out of a randomized bucket would be the show that you would go first on.

It'd be crazy if you had 10,000 spoons but you only needed a knife. Anything could happen. You're right. How many toddler toes do you suck on? What the fuck? Oh god. Thank you Jeremiah Watkins.

I appreciate that. Yeah, fucking really nice guy. Fucking cool. Thank you. Watkins I appreciate that Yeah fucking really nice guy Fucking cool thank you Wow Dustin At the rate that you're drinking right now It makes me wonder how many cans of beer you go through like a night Well tonight I have had a lot That's the only blue ribbon he's ever gotten

Thank you I'll take it Thank you Thank you Dustin let'll take it. I'll fucking take it. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Dustin, let's talk about it.

Why do you look like a young Bill Belichick? I have no idea. What do you think happened? I don't know. Why does it look like you play for Iceland in the Mighty Ducks movie? Oh, my God. Why does he look like Louis C.K.'s dick? Whoa, Brian Redman.

Redman? I knew this was going to fucking happen. Roastmaster genitals over here, Brian Redman. I knew this was going to happen. Did you when you looked in the mirror tonight, my Gustavs? I knew this was going to happen when I remembered what I looked like. Yeah, Dustin, there's nothing left in that can.

There is. I'm finishing it off. You nervously ran out two minutes ago. It's finished now. You look like you need iron in your diet and on your clothes. I know, I know, I know. All right. All right. One of my favorite people ever roasted me just now.

This is great. Wow, Dustin, what do you do for a living? I'm taking the fucking bullet for tonight. You son of a bitch, you rambling idiot. Dustin, listen to me. Over here, over here. What do you do for a living? I'm not going to answer that.

He's Reek's stand-in on Game of Thrones. I delivered Postmates to Brian Redman once in LA. That was pretty cool. Why did Brian order it? He made me start using DoorDash for like two months. He lived in a pink house. That was pretty cool. You had to bring him like some magnums.

That was creepy. Tony Hinchcliffe. Okay, what's up? What do you do for a living here in Phoenix? I was going to say something but I'm not going to say it What's up? Go ahead If you're not going to say it then you might as well answer the question What do I do in Phoenix?

Hold on, what's up? I kind of want to hear what he was going to say Don't give him that kind of power Nope, nope He's really trying to be the what's up guy Dustin, what do you do for a living here in Phoenix? I work for Postmates. I do Postmates and I do other shit.

I just do Postmates basically to make my main money. Oh, shit. I don't give a fuck. What do you do for fun? What's your life like? What made you come back to Phoenix? I have family here. The place I was staying at when I was there in LA,

it just wasn't working out. Yeah, because they charge rent. No, it's expensive. He's just got one hand in his pocket and the other's not flashing a peace sign. I'm going to quote every Atlantis song while you're up here. Did you play secret bets on yourself

in Vegas on how many Atlantis more set references you were going to make on this show tonight? You know, I mean, the over-under is a good bet. Because I don't think I'm going to be able to do another one. Fuck yeah. Dustin.

Dustin. The Lexington. Oh fuck yeah. Dustin, Dustin, over here. The Lexington, had great times and shit. Wow. Dustin, Dustin, when you ramble like that, it makes everybody hate you. You laughed at one of my jokes at the clubhouse. You were sitting in the front row at the clubhouse once, and you laughed at my joke. Dustin, you're a naughty boy, Dustin, trying to hijack the show. Dustin, where does your babysitter think you are right now?

God damn it. I can't come back. If I come back, I'm going to look like a fucking... Dustin trying to hijack the show. Dustin, where does your babysitter think you are right now? God damn it. I can't come back. If I come back, I'm going to look like a fucking... How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I'm not going to answer that either. No, go ahead. Answer the question. Like, three to four years.

Why do you think after three or four years, your two appearances on the show in which you have to do 60 seconds, why do you think they haven't gone well if you've been doing it three or four years? I don't know. I guess I didn't do good tonight. So it's all good.

You did fine. The joke part you did was fine. But the 90 or 58 seconds around that, you weren't doing anything. How does it normally go? Where do you normally do shows at? Well, when I got the cat thing, I didn't want to continue. Because I only had like, what, 10 seconds left? Do you hear other people

when they talk to you? How many voices do you hear inside? It's always a seven-person podcast. Why do you keep drinking from an empty can? There's a sip left. It's unbelievable. There's not a sip left. There was.

He looks like his... Now it's gone. There is. Now it's gone. He keeps an everlasting sip. I've watched him tip it upside down. He must be spitting back into it or something like that. It's either a sip or he puts a little rock in there.

The can always has a little... In his defense, he's teething right now. Dustin, what does help you fall asleep at night? Do you have any tricks to falling asleep at night other than being rocked slowly? Smoking weed. Doug Benson. Thank you.

I love Doug Benson. Thank you very much. Did you just drop his name in front of him? He thinks I'm the worst fucking comedian ever. What do you mean I hate you? I love making fun of you. He doesn't think you're the worst me. He thinks I'm the worst fucking comedian ever. What do you mean I hate you? He doesn't think you're the worst comedian. He thinks you're probably the worst interview we've ever had on this show. Worst person ever.

Alright, that's it. Dustin Hadlock, everybody. There he goes. Mic back in the mic stand. Wasn't that bad? It was pretty bad. No, don't say that. It was pretty terrible.

Choke, choke, choke, choke, choke. It was as bad as it gets. Let me just remind everybody, and I've been meaning to say this lately. Let me just remind everyone that's signed up and fans of the show,

maybe, I feel like they know, but I'll say it anyway. On this show, like the 60 seconds is always fun. It's a great chance for us to get to meet you, but during the

interview part, if you don't try to be funny, it goes much smoother. If you answer the questions honestly and we can actually find out shit about you, it goes unbelievable because I'm so fucking good at this shit. It's usually because they fuck up and they go, oh, I gotta save this.

You know, like, I gotta sneak jokes in. You don't have to sneak jokes in. And try to be less drunk than I am. I think that's a good level to try to determine. Can I get a turkey ginger? Because I'm just judging. I don't have to tell jokes. I don't know what you guys are talking about.

That's the funniest toddler I've ever seen. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Christian Pierce. Here we go. Oh, holy cow. Saw this lady texting and driving with two kids in the back seat.

They were unseat belted. It was unbuckled. And I was like, what a terrible woman putting her children's lives at risk like that. Now, I'm not a perfect person, but at least when I text and drive, the kids in my back seat are already dead. My girlfriend thinks it's weird. It's okay. My girlfriend thinks it's weird that I'm irresponsible and broke and extremely pro-life.

She's like, she doesn't understand. She's like, how are you so anti-abortion? You know, you're poor. You couldn't afford a baby. What would happen if I was pregnant right now? And I was like, honey, if you were pregnant, I'd stab you in the stomach. I don't even care that I'd lose that baby.

Fuck yeah, there you go. Christian Pierce. You know the show's getting popular When Anthony Jeselnik's signing up In the bucket, you know what I mean? We're fucking making it You kill Tony fans I want to thank you for your loyalty

This is the level that we've gotten to Can I just say that was the funniest One woman play I've ever seen You are a suave looking motherfucker Christian Pierce This is the funniest one-woman play I've ever seen. You are a suave-looking motherfucker, Christian Pierce. Thank you. Did you literally go through Fortnite to get here? Like, why are you so tattered up?

And when you're done here tonight, do you have to get back to Dawson and the Creek? Pacey yourselves, everybody. Look at that thing he does with his hair. California, here we come. Wrong show, but that's cool. We've been on the run, driving in the sun. Looking out for number one. We've been on the run Driving in the sun Looking out for number one We've been on the run

Welcome to Welcome to Phoenix, bitch Christian, you've been on this show before, right? You were on the one in Los Angeles recently Yeah, a couple weeks ago Joel, how do you feel about already running out of Giant toddler jokes And then Christian gets pulled out of the box I was going to say, how do you feel about already running out of giant toddler jokes and then Christian gets pulled out of the book?

I was going to say he looks like Paul Walker if he walked on his knees. That's mean. Oh, shit. Oh, there goes the shirt. Oh, it's back on. It's back on. Christian, do you live here in Phoenix? No, I live in LA.

I was here for Easter and seeing my girlfriend. Oh, your girlfriend lives here in Phoenix? Yeah. Is she a student? Yeah, she goes to ASU. Whoa, damn. So you came here, you didn't have holes in your jeans yet. No.

That party got started real quick. Because his girlfriend has a dick? She wouldn't need a dick to put holes in his jeans. No, he gets on his knees to give her head. I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying.

He also has one above the knee, though. That'd be really weird unless he was doing some kind of like tripod blowjob, you know what I mean? Christian, what is your craziest like sex move that you do on your girlfriend in the bedroom? Like, do you have any special tricks?

Like, you seem like you'd have something. Like, you seem like if you took off your shirt, you'd have like a shark fin or something like that on your back. Do you have anything weird about you? Like webbed feet? Something. So I can't do much. She's actually right there. She has like, on your back. Do you have anything weird about you? Like webbed feet? Something. So I can't do much. She's actually right there. So she has like, she's black.

Whoa. Wow. Holy jeans, Batman. She has a big butt, right? And you can't do a lot? The Mother Brothers can't deny? I can't do a lot of positions with, like, you know, my small-ass dick. You have a small dick?

Sometimes. Wow. Sometimes he fucks her with his soft dick, and if that's what he wants to do, then by God, it's 2018. If you want to stick a little softy in there, you know, do what you want. You want to bake it out like bread, you know what I mean?

Eventually, the yeast will rise. When you're done, are you like, you just got soft-served? Yeah. I call that the glove compartment. Ha ha ha. the glove compartment. Christian, how long have you been with your black girlfriend? Almost two years. Right after you left the Aryan Nation?

Kind of. Yeah, almost two years. Have you always just dated black girls exclusively? No, she's like my first girlfriend. She's like your first girlfriend? Yeah, I had another one for like three months, but she was a whore. Wow.

What made her a whore? What did she do? Just talk back. Wow. What the fuck? She cheated. She cheated. I'm kidding.

Wow. You know what I'm tired of? All these whores out there who talk back whenever I look at them. I decide when you talk, you dumb whore. Hashtag me who. Yeah, you and I have different definitions for the word whore. No, she cheated. Oh, she cheated?

Yeah, that was shit. Then she talked too much? Fuck that shit. Thank you. Hey, but at least she gave it to you for free, right? The other guy had to pay. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. Yeah. She's a whore, yeah. Who'd she cheat on you with? Do you know specifically? No, I don't fucking... I saw, like,

right after we broke up, I saw, like, a sex tape of her, which is pretty crazy. Did you save it? Can we watch it? Should we bring the screen down? It's underage, so I can't show anyone else.

Was the film also black and white? You dated an underage whore? Anyway. Christian, what do you do for a living? You dated an underage whore? Anyway Christian, what do you do for a living? I'm an actor He's a date rapist, obviously

You're an actor? Yeah What have you acted in? I just finished a movie A month ago I act a fool Forget it What was the movie that you finished?

It's called A Child's Voice. It's about child sex trafficking. It's raining, baby. What is up with you and underage kids? I don't know, honestly. It's in his jeans. It's in his jeans. Yeah.

No, no, no. I play a sex traffic cop in it. It's okay. Wait a minute. There's a lot of holes in your story. Yeah. You can also catch Christian in the new Penn State movie with... Are those holes in your jeans where the kids climb up to your dick?

Oh, my goodness. It's like a little jimboree. Red band. All right. Well, I mean, so, wow. Where can we find some of the work that you've already done that's, like, out there? Is there anything out there that you've done? A police lineup?

No, this movie's going to be on Amazon and Hulu, I think. I'm pretty sure it's Hulu. Yeah, one of those. Fucking I know. Yeah. Huh? I don't think it would come out on both of those. I don't know how it works, though.

Where do your parents live? You close with them? Yeah. What do they think about you having a black girlfriend? They still don't know. That's right. Three years. That's how it is sometimes.

No, they're cool? Yeah. Well, that's fun. Have you met your black girlfriend's black. Three years. That's how it is sometimes. No, they're cool? Yeah. Well, that's fun. Have you met your black girlfriend's black parents? Yes. Both of them? Yes. Really?

Not her real dad. Her stepdad, yeah. Or stepdad. Did you hear that? Stepdad. All right, just making sure. She had that right on the nose. I get jealous because I also didn't have a dad growing up,

so I get jealous when I find out black kids that did have those parents because usually I at least count on them for not having a dad too because I didn't have a dad either, so I can say that, so fuck you. Anyway. Christian, you seem like a really suave guy. Do you consider this a tone-back version of you? What do you wear on a Friday night? I mean, you're full

fucking Aerosmith right now, dude. Aerosmith if he worked at Old Navy or something like that. Where are you going to get your shirts now that American Apparel is closed? I'm shit out of luck, honestly. African American Apparel? Ah!

Oh, shit. Christian, what's the craziest thing that you've ever done that nobody knows Oh, shit. All right. Chess king. Christian, what's the craziest thing that you've ever done that nobody knows that you ever did that you don't want anybody to ever know about so you can't believe you said it on a podcast? Anything? Yeah. I don't know.

Like, the weirdest thing I've done in my life. Sophomore year of high school, I was in a pretty dark place. Are you talking about with your girlfriend? Yeah. Still in the pocket. This is just home run derby over here, people. No, he went to a dark place

high school. You're in a dark place. Sophomore year, Everybody's picking on you You didn't get your braces Taken off yet Actually no I had them put on Like my senior year

So that's even Oh wow There you go Your pants are Completely intact Yes So things are not good Yeah

Listening to Eminem All the time Anyway I got I had like a Month and a half Two month span Of just watching

Like rape porn. Wow. She doesn't know that. Did you say great porn? This is interesting. You know, like great fantasy, not actual rape porn. Great fantasy porn? I'd like to hear about some great fantasy porn.

Do you like to be choked? No, neither. Honestly, I don't know. Do you ever strangle your own dick? Yes. Have you ever been with a squirter? Okay, Brian. You have?

Another episode of Dysentery, available soon. So, Christian. Have you ever been with a super soaker? When you say that you were only looking at rape porn. Not only looking. I would like, you would like once a week. You'd have a snack. Yeah.

Every once in a while. Go for a walk. If the internet's down, be like, no means no. I can't believe you just admitted that on a podcast. That's great. Rape fantasy. Not rape porn. Like rape fantasy porn.

Don't kink shame. All right? Rape fantasy porn. If you throw in the fantasy porn. Don't kink shame, all right? Rape fantasy porn. If you throw in the fantasy word, it makes it all right, right? Totally not illegal. I'm into just pedophile fantasy porn. You know what I mean? It's all good.

There's so many people that fantasize. Like, I daydream about rape all the time. I'll just be sitting there just thinking about it. It's a fucking fantasy. It's like Lord of the Rings. You know what I mean? It's Lord of the Rapes. It's like wizards raping each other about it. It's a fucking fantasy. It's like Lord of the Rings. You know what I mean? It's like wizards raping each other and stuff. It's no big deal.

Except they're shoving their magic wands in buttholes. See that? Butthole joke. I'm rubbing it off on you. Alright. Okay, I get it. Christian. Alright, it was nice to meet you, dude.

There you go, Christian Pierce. It was nice to meet you, dude. There you go. Christian Pierce. It was nice to meet him again. He's been on. Oh, yeah. That's true. He has been on. Hey, look. It's Patty Reagan. There he is. He's sitting right there. Damn. He did a lot of heroin. Alright.

Black Sharpie marker. I got excited. Thought maybe Aphrodite was here. But this is a different black Sharpie marker. Put your excited. Thought maybe Aphrodite was here, but this is a different black sharpie marker. Put your hands together for Quentin Hill. Welcome to the jungle. We got fun and games. We got everything you want. All we know is we are the people that can find

whatever you may need. Shut up. Okay, come on. Shut up. Thank you guys so much. My name is Quentin. This is going If you got my hand And it's going to sound so obvious, so don't shout out the punchline, but I had no idea how easily Quentin rhymed on Tell the Bullies with dumb faggot bitch. And now I do, apparently pretty goddamn easy. I grew up with a mental disability. That's true. I don't love talking about it, but the mental disability I grew up with,

some of you guys might know it as Mormonism. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I quit recently. Obviously. I quit because I was supposed to go on a mission. My parents wanted me to go on a mission. For those of you guys who don't know, it costs $9,000, and you have to do it

for two years. Fuck that noise. But my mom wanted me to go, so she was like, oh, I want you to go on a mission. I was like, listen, Ma, I am on a mission. I was like, listen, ma. I am on a mission. I'm on a mission in life to not be billable as fuck. That's my mission,

ma. That's my goddamn mission. Thank you guys so much. Fuck yeah. One of the funniest performances we've ever had by one of the members of Smashing Pumpkins. So let's get that out of the way first. We noticed the mic kept going on and off during his set.

If that ever happens, just push it in. It's just... Just a rookie maneuver. Just don't even spit on it. For sure. Quentin. There he is. Could you move that?

The audience can't see me. For sure. Quentin. There he is. Could you move that? The audience can't see me. For sure. Thanks. Quentin, you have an interesting look to you. Has anybody ever told you that before? Like you sort of got squozen through a wine bottle at some point in your life or something like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah?

All the time. All right. What's that accent? I don't have one. Obnoxious? Maybe. I don't know. Wait, you don't have an accent and you say years?

I don't. What's that word? Say it again. Years? Years? Yeah, years. Many, many years? Years.

Minnesota? Dude, you guys just don't talk bro, okay, dude? You're from Phoenix? Born and raised? A suburb, yeah. Gilbert, but Phoenix. What do we think about Gilbert? What's that, a nice suburb? Why do we not like... Dude, Gilbert can eat a dick, bro.

What can you tell us about your home city that you're proud of? Gilbert? Mormons? I got one for you. It's known for two things. Mormons and the cops are fucking obnoxious. The cops?

The cops have been bothering me for years. I find it interesting that you're Mormon because your face looks like I'm always looking at you through one of those peep holes on the door. You naturally look like... Please, guys. Hey, hey, hey, show Keanu Reeves some respect, please. Whoa.

This is Keanu Reeves... This is Keanu if he ate the red, blue, and white pills This is Keanu Reeves if you watched the movie in reverse You know, the movie I love that Keanu Reeves movie. What a great movie career. Quentin, there's something in my gut telling me that you don't eat so healthy. A lot of Doritos and Monster Energy drinks, stuff like that.

Am I right? Yeah, I just don't eat a lot of food. You're vegan. Are you vegan? Oh, goddamn no. I don't like those people at all. All right, I was wrong. Sorry. You look vegan. Are you vegan? Oh, god damn no. I don't like those people at all. Alright, I was wrong. Sorry. You look vegan. It's okay. What about bread?

I love it. Yeah. Sometimes. The bun is a tribute, right? Wow. There it is. Oh my god. He looks like he gets a lot of Tang, the juice drink. Quinton, what do you do for work?

I serve at a restaurant in Gilbert. A restaurant in Gilbert? Barrio Queen Gilbert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, a lot of people just whoaed that. They always wanted to eat there, but they don't quite have the money. Did you hear that noise? They're like, whoa, whoa.

It's a pretty nice place. Pretty nice place. And when did you get fired from teaching yoga to start that job? Yeah. Not flexible at all. Would never work. Quinton, how long have you been waiting tables for? Like six months now.

What did you do before that? I delivered pizza for a while. Wait, what? You did? Yep. With some of your favorite types of music, just start rattling off

some bands you listened to today. Go ahead, go ahead. Don't soften the blow. I want the people. That's the whole point. That's why I know it's going to be fucking terrible. Hall & Oates. Dexys Midnight Runners. It's good music, right?

There was one band there, a duo. Lots of hits. And then you said Dexys Midnight Runners. Who have one song. Two. Gino was a hit in the UK. Oh, yeah. Everybody in Gilbert

is listening to what's going on in the UK. The old hipster test. You just ask a bland music question and watch them flutter. They're big in the UK. Exactly.

Those are great top two, though. Yeah, thank you. Quinton, how long have you been doing stand-up? Like a year and eight months. What's other stuff that you tend to talk about that you think is interesting about your life or anything like that when you're doing stand-up? I like the angle of being Mormon,

but I kind of play that out early. You're past the Mormon phase in your comedy career? Well, it's just still fresh wounds with my mother-in-law. Really? A little bit. Why?

Did you murder her? Your mother-in-law's an extreme Mormon? She's not my mother-in-law, but yeah, her and my dad are both still. Do you like her? Yeah. My mom? I love my mom. Are you calling your mother-in-law your mom? She's not like her? Yeah. My mom, I love my mom.

Are you calling your mother-in-law your mom? She's not my mother-in-law. She's just my mom. Oh, okay. I don't have a mother-in-law. I apologize. Dude, is your mom hot, dude? Come on.

All right. Dude, how... Charlene. Is she one of those hot mom Mormons I've heard so much about? Oh, no. What does your mom want you to do? To be Mormon.

To be a robot Mormon kid. To not do this. How much does that make? How much can you make being a Mormon? You can make a lot of bad choices and waste a lot of time

and money. So you just chose to be a moron. Oh, shit. Give me that one. What's the part of being Mormon that you dislike the most? Oh, my God.

The butt sex? You're not allowed to do, like, anything fun. Do you enjoy caffeine? Really, the worst part of it isn't, like, all the rules. It's just the, like, mentality of Mormons

and their arrogance. What's something fun that you could have done one night that you didn't do because you were Mormon? I could have gotten... In high school, I hung out with the Mormons instead of my other friends. I could have experienced life a little bit. You know what I'm saying?

Have you ever fingered a girl? Oh, yeah, Brian. Have you ever fingered a girl? Oh my god. Oh yeah, Brian. Have you? Some of these ladies might find out right off the show. You ever touch the cauliflower part in there? Brian, what are you doing? You're just saying everything that you're thinking of tonight.

What was that? I shouldn't have indulged that. My bad. That's mine. That's on me. Yeah, you ever see boobs in person before? Quinton, in real life, have you had sex with a girl? Yeah. Yeah. What?

Trying to make you more interesting, and you're laughing at me. No. You have a girlfriend right now? No. When you were about to have sex with her, did you say, I'm about to drop in? I don't get that one. Yeah, me neither. It was a skateboarding joke.

Yeah, skateboarding. Oh, yeah. I don't board. Did you put it right in her half pipe? Ah. I tried. So you do have a girlfriend? I do not, no.

What's the meanest thing your mom ever said to you? Did she say your face looks like your skull's protruding through it? That was That personal attack That's my mean boy Patty Ragan right there

Oh that's what my friends In high school That's what those kids were like Oh What did your not friends Say to you Oh shit Quentin If I could give you some advice I think My enemies were quite cordial Oh, shit.

Quentin, if I could give you some advice, I think... My enemies were quite cordial. I would say make fun of yourself more. Make fun of the way you look up front and get that out of the way. Am I that weird looking? Definitely. There's almost like Jim Carrey

if someone beat him almost to death with a baseball bat. You actually look like... That was half a compliment. He looks like Tosh 1.0. Oh, wow. He's right. There he is.

A high five from Jeremiah. And there he goes. Quentin Hill, ladies and gentlemen. We're just going to keep flying through. Lost my straw. Fuck yeah. This is fun. You guys having fun out there? Back to the urn of Phoenix we go.

Where's the bucket of destiny? The bucket of destiny doesn't travel with us. It's a plastic jack-o'-lantern, so it stays at the comedy store. We don't want to... Holy shit. Somebody thinks there's too much guitar. There's one guy that thinks there's too much guitar.

Jesus. Ooh, red ink. I'm excited about this. Let's see what happens. It's whitest. Whitest, ladies and gentlemen, come on. That's a good job on the pronunciation. Last name White-est usually gets mispronounced pretty often.

Like back in middle school, instead of White-est, they used to call me White-ass. It's funny because it's true. And racist. But I grew up in a Hispanic community, so they kind of pronounced it a little bit different. They pronounced it beachy white ass. Just a little bit different. But being one of the only white kids, it was kind of hard to understand racism because I always thought white people were the minority.

So when my classmates would tell me that white people stole this land from Mexico, I was kind of confused because it looks like we gave it back. But I should have did a better job. I should have learned more about their culture and some of their traditions. I didn't understand the one where everybody chants

Viva La Raza when they kick the shit out of me. I didn't get that one. Thank you, guys. Fuck yeah, 59 seconds. Whitest. Fuck yeah, man. Thanks, bro. Great stuff.

This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, sir. First time ever. Awesome. Ever doing stand-up? First time holding a mic. Wow. First time holding a mic up on Whitey.

Yay! That guy who's been doing it for a year and eight months feels pretty bad. And the guy doing it three or four years is already dead. Don't even talk about him. He's no longer with us. He's never held a mic,

but he has held a Miguel before. Yeah, Whitey's... he's never held a mic but he has held a Miguel before yeah wait is you can ask ask them that I just white is why not your first name no why this is your last name it is yeah what's wrong with your first name no and is it right is yeah must be another W right must like be no be like Willie Whitus. No, just as a big fan of the show. Ginger Whitus. That's good. That's good. Wow, Ginger Whitus?

No, just being a big fan of the show, I know that you usually make a comment on one word name. Like earthquake, you think Whitus. Typhoon, all the natural disasters. So, Whitus, stand-up's something you've always wanted to do? I've always been a huge fan of comedy, but never even contemplated doing it until, really, I discovered the show.

Right. And then you waited until we came to Phoenix, and you're like, this is it. Yes, sir. What do you do for a living? Tonight, I'm going to be the whitest. Perfect timing. This reminds me of high school.

So, this is something that you always thought about but have never done. What do you do for a living? I'm an auto cab drafter, so I draw like blueprints for underground construction. Oh, wow. That was underground construction. Wow. That's cool. How long have you been doing that for?

Two years. You married? I am. How long have you been married for? A year and a You married? I am. How long have you been married for? A year and a half-ish. Wow. Where'd you meet her at? She was opening up a hospital down south of Tucson,

and I was getting a job there. Hell yeah. Digging ditches, finding bitches. You know what I mean? Living that underground fucking... Take those blueprints and turn them into white as prints. You know what I mean? Wait, you said she was opening up a hospital?

Yeah. Grand opening here. Come get your hospital. That's one of my two favorite bands. A rich girl? That's why you think that works? My girl's opening up hospitals. That's probably the richest girl,

right? She's working at the hospital, right? What is she, the real estate agent of the hospital? No, there's like a group of people that would open up a bunch. She's like a little bit of my sugar mom. Whoa! Yeah! Don't you know?

Dude, how's that awesome? I've only dated one richer girl than me in my whole life. I'm 43. And it was awesome. Wait, you're 43? Yeah. Play some creepy sound effect or something like that. Hold on. Say 43 again.

I'm 43 and... And a smoker and a drinker. No, but it's nice having a rich girl for, you know, that's kind of cool. Does she like spoil you? Yeah, what's like the coolest thing she's ever done for you? Does she ever get you something you really like, like that chainsaw you always wanted, you know what I mean?

F-150. That would have been my next guess guys look that look like you love f-150s that's not what an f-150 sounds like there you go yeah do you enjoy your job because why would you still do that job if your wife is rich uh i do enjoy it um and you do yeah yeah all day every day? headphones in 10 hours a day listening to Kilted oh shit

that makes it good which is great because obviously you're replaying the episodes over and over again and we appreciate the multiple downloads it's only an hour

and a half a week so that's awesome I love that man anything you ever find anything crazy out there digging through shit?

no no I'm just in a cubicle just doing the blueprints. Oh, okay. I thought it was like hard labor. You get that AutoCAD 3D yet? No, no. That's an engineer joke.

Jesus. Yeah, really. That's a new shit. Killed with the engineers in the room. What's a hat mean? Arizona? What is that? Arizona what?

That's probably not too popular here. Arizona Wildcats. Jeremiah's mom. People seem all right with it. You thought you could boot for that? Yeah, up here for sure. All right. Anyway, what do you do for fun?

Huge sports fan. I love MMA. I know you're an MMA guy. Yeah. What sports are you into? I mean, do you play any sports? I've toured my ACL three times playing football. Wow. Yeah. You mean soccer.

How Latino are you? No, I'm very white. Lithuanian. Wait, you're not Mexican? No. Boo this, man. It's whitest, not brownest. You're right, you're right.

I should have figured. I thought you were a Mexican, dude. Thank you. It is a compliment. You're welcome. In Spanish. Is your girl white? What's up?

Is your girl white? Yeah, but my first wife was black. Whoa, really? Is that true? Where are you pointing? Is she here white? Yeah, but my first wife was black. Whoa, really? Is that true? Where are you pointing? Is she here too? No, is the other dude's new girlfriend? It's the same girl. It's the same fucking girl.

Whitus, what else is interesting about you? Do you have any special skills? Are you like a master scattergories player or something like that? Not necessarily a talent, but something fairly interesting is I was in the military for 13 years. Hell yeah. Thank you for your service. And then I got kicked the fuck out.

Wait. You can't get back in? No, no, no. No getting back in for me. Wow, what happened? What happened? They found out he was Lithuanian. It's a sleeper cell, eh?

Was it a dishonorable discharge? It was an other than honorable discharge. What does that mean for all of us? For sure, yeah. No, it means that it wasn't like I didn't tell no secrets or nothing like that. So I got in trouble twice in the military. One was adultery, which was kind of BS. And then the other one was dereliction of duty.

Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. What is that? What is that? What are you doing? Oh, okay, I get it. Suicide is painless. Okay, hold on a second.

So this is when you had The Black Wife? Correct. And what part of the world did you go to? No, no, it wasn't even like that. It uh damn you did it while here in phoenix not risk taker tucson tucson oh yeah that's where everybody goes to cheat out here we were uh close enough but not too close you know what i mean it's fucking 35 minutes just enough time to get you know blue balls and shit all right so blue, my old friend. We were going through a divorce.

Divorce took like 12 months. Eight months, I moved out. And then just got a girlfriend, and so they hit me with adultery. Oh, that is bullshit. How did they know you had sex with somebody? So one day, my soon-to-be ex-wife at the time called me up and said she wanted to make a baby book

for our daughter, and she needed to know the street I grew up on, my soon-to-be ex-wife at the time called me up and said she wanted to make a baby book for our daughter. And she needed to know the street I grew up on, my grandpa's name, and, like, my mother's name. No! She asked you all your fucking email recovery questions and you fell for it? Why would you do that? Oh, my God. This is the funniest shit ever. Do you talk about this on stage? It's my first time on stage.

It's brilliant. That's right. It's his first time on stage. There's no way he's talking about it. I've never heard of anybody doing something that stupid. That's like out of like a Judd Apatow movie or something. Oh, I'm putting together a baby book for our daughter. I'm going to need the street you grew up on,

your grandpa's name And the first pet that you ever owned I'm trying to figure out your porn name What city did you grow up in And what's your social And you fucking took the bait You're like anything to get off the phone with this bitch Yeah sure Wow You fucking took the bait. You're like, anything to get off the phone with this bitch. Yeah, sure.

Wow. Now that you had to change your security questions, what were those security questions? Do you remember them? I could have used you, baby. Wow. It's work. So what did she find when she got there?

How long were you hooking up with this other chick? Like maybe a couple months. So it was like tons of emails. Hell yeah. Is that the one that you ended up marrying? That was my second wife. Wow, you're a player. Wait, wait, wait.

So you've had three wives? Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Holy shit. My wives. My wives. My God. I thought the last guy was Mormon. Three wives. Why do you keep...

Wait, so you are Mexican. You've gotten on one knee so much I'm surprised your jeans don't look more like Christian Pierce's Yeah man Three wives don't make a right Yeah You didn't like that one? Three wives don't make a white There you go

So How long have these marriages last? Five years and five years wives don't make a white. There you go. So, how long have these marriages last? Five years and five years. Five years, five years. How long are you into your third marriage? About a year and a half. And what was the name of the street you grew up on? Wow. I'm trying to figure out your porn name.

What was your pet? Wow. I'm trying to figure out your porn name. What was your pet? Wow. That is awesome, Whiteus. Well, I mean, you came up, you had one of probably so far the best set of the night. Great. First time ever on stage. Great interview.

Fucking awesome. Nice to meet you, man. There he is, Whiteus. Come on, it's his first time ever on stage. He fucking did it. Phoenix doesn't even want to see people succeed. They don't want people to do good here in Phoenix. They're like, we came here to watch people bomb and get drunk.

Don't say bomb around an ex-military guy. It's a... Oh, shit. All right. Keeping it moving along. You guys having fun out there, huh. All right. Keeping it moving along. You guys having fun out there, huh? All right. Put your hands together for Josh B.

What do you want me to do? I'm expressing with my full capabilities. And now I'm living in correctional facilities. Because some don't agree with how I do this. Get this. Get this. Get this. Get this.

I'm dropping flavor. My behavior is hereditary. But my technique is very necessary Blame it on Ice Cube Because he said it gets funky When you got a subject and a predicate Add it on a dope beat And it'll make you think

One more time for Josh B, everyone. Alright, I signed up and fucking instantly regretted it. All right. I signed up and fucking instantly regretted it. So I also spent some time in the military. I did four years as a combat medic. Thank you. After I got out of the Army army I decided to go to nursing school Because I was tired of

Saving lives And not having people make fun of me For doing a woman's job Yeah the army Definitely was a more masculine Profession But they make up for it Yeah, the Army definitely was a more masculine profession, but they make up for it by doing a lot of homoerotic shit. Fuck, yeah.

Josh B Was that longer? Were you going to explain to us anything else? No, I was just going to tell a story Josh B, was this your first time ever doing stand-up? Yeah Fuck yeah That might have been the funniest of the night too

Not really Let me just start by saying I recommend a long pant. But other than that, that was an impressive debut. I mean, Josh, it was... You have a lot of good things going for you. You have all the looks of a young Alex Jones. So, I mean, let's talk about it, Josh.

How old are you? I'm 33. I feel like you're still a paramedic. Are you still a paramedic? You look like every paramedic I've ever seen. You're a nurse. Yeah. Fuck yeah.

Where are you a nurse at? The hospital that that lady opened up? Yeah. I'm a pediatric nurse. I do home health. Whoa, home health. Fuck yeah. You're like the fucking Uber of nurses.

Pretty much. Knock, knock. I'm here to see the kids. Hell yeah. And I also have to warn you, I moved into your neighborhood. He does look like that one Penn State coach. Not Sandusky,

but the one that ratted on everybody, you know what I mean? Not ratted on. I guess it's a good thing that he told. Like, this fucking rat over here. You know what? Keep your fucking mouth shut. You see people butt-fucking kids. Goddamn rat. You're a rat!

He looks like a Twilight vampire that golfs on the weekend. It's incredible. From the forehead up, you look like you're made of pure doll. I mean, you look like you're made of wooden doll. Very well chiseled. You look like a shop at Arnold and Palmer's.

What? Arnold and Palmer? I liked it. Have you been on any adventures lately, Tin Tin? Hell yeah. Is it true that you're the local leader of your neighborhood watch? Hey, where does your ventriloquist

think you are right now? You know what, Tony? I think I have a new idea for a new segment on the show. Is your t-shirt a graphic t-shirt underneath the shirt that you're wearing? It's an undershirt.

Let's keep the comedy part of the show. You gotta dress layered Here in this fucking cold weather Josh Why do you look like if Brock Lesnar Had a four month old child Listen are you still a boss Or are you just a regular baby now.

Josh, seriously though, why do you look like if somebody put both of Trump's sons in a microwave at the same time? All right. Josh, you single? No, I'm married.

Yeah. Oh, wow. How long have you been married for? Ten years. Ten years? Yeah, long ass time. Oh, wow. How long have you been married for? Ten years. Ten years? Yeah, long ass time. Wow. That's two fives. You're doing much better than Whitus. How old are you again?

33. You got married at 23. Why'd you do that? What happened? Just tell the truth. It's okay. Just be honest. I used to be a Mormon. Wow. Is Phoenix a big one? I didn't know about it.

It's enough, right? It is? I didn't know. You guys big on... All right. I used to be a Mormon. Look at Jeremiah's Christian eyes just light up pure red. Just like, fuck you, Mormon. My Jesus is the only Jesus!

I don't believe in any of that shit. No, I'm kidding. Did you see the Book of Mormon? Did you enjoy it? Yeah, it was pretty funny. See, this guy looks like he read the Book of Mormon. The play. He read the play. Script.

Alright. Josh, what's something that you do for fun? You seem like you would rollerblade sometimes. Do you enjoy looking around in one pocket? Fuck yeah. Quick draw me. Did you see that? What do you do for fun?

I don't know. I just started working out again. Stop bending the cord like that. Don't bend the cord like that. I was trying to hold it in. Don't worry. If you do that, it gets worse. I've learned that from doing this for over a decade.

I don't even... It's okay. He won't do it. He's good. I'm good. Just stay confident. He's good. Keep your eyes up.

Okay. I'm sorry. Stay powerful. Everything's good. It's okay. I don't have any aspirations for stand-up. I just wanted a chance to talk to one of the top rising comedians.

Wow. Thank you very much. You guys are unbelievable. He's right behind you. Joel Jimenez, say hello. There you go. There he is. There he is.

There he is. Make sure you guys come to the stand-up shows all weekend in Tempe and find out exactly how true that is. You son of a bitch! You just got his trinkets! Tony is going to be stirring in his sleep tonight. He's going to be like, I can't believe somebody else was called one of the top young writing comedians in the world. Because that's what I do when I sleep. You stand all hunched over like that while you're sleeping?

I stand up hunched over and I start talking. Sorry I can't hang upside down on the stage. And kiss him like Spider-Man? Fuck yeah. So Josh, you've been married 10 years. How many girls did you have sex with before you got married? Alive?

A couple. What's the answer? A couple. What's the answer? A couple. So that's two? That's not right. No, it was a man and wife that he made love to. I joined the Mormon church later in life. Well, not later in life.

When I was 17. You meant latter in life, right? Exactly. That's a great joke. He's getting high with five right now Wow So you're saying that you've hooked up with a couple chicks Before 17

Look at you, you dirty dirty boy Man, how many hours did you have to confess for that shit? It took a lot of repentance Yeah, is that true? Did you really have sex with two girls before 17? Yeah Was one of them just a ripe piece of fruit? And one was a sister

Do you go after albino's? Wait, you can't rimshot your own shit Yes I can, John Yes I can Josh, what else do you do for fun? Anything else? Yes, I can! Josh, what else do you do for fun? Anything else? Like any hobbies?

Not really. I have two kids. Oh, yeah? How old are your kids? My daughter's five, and my son's about to turn eight. Wow. What's the thing that your son's done that disappointed you the most?

He's just a pussy. Are you serious? Holy shit. Hold on, I think he's here. He's here tonight. Let's talk to him. Who is this guy? Why? Wow, look at him.

Does anybody know why Hodor is standing at the base of the steps? Wait. That's Hurley from Lost. He's got to get back to his school of rock. What are you doing? What's this guy doing? Is he here to take us to Wonka Land? No, no, we don't want you to do it.

That's not how it works, man. That's not how it works. He was ready to do five seconds. There we go. I thought we were having a YouTube shooting here for a second. Oh, too soon, really? No deaths, people. No deaths. We need more of these women's shootings. Zero deaths. Only suicide No deaths. Hey, guys. We need more of these women's shootings.

Zero deaths. Only suicide. Incredible. Tony. Yeah, there was that one death. Tony, forgive this guy Hurley. He's lost. Fuck yeah. Soon he'll also be, by the looks of that guy, I think he'll also

be standing at the base of the stairway to heaven pretty well as well. Alright, I guess we like the likable chubby guy be standing at the base of the stairway to heaven pretty well as well. I guess we like the likable chubby guy that was at the base of the stairs. Sorry, guys. I didn't realize that one was off limits. He looks like he ate all of the knights at medieval times. Oh, wait. There he is again.

Where is he? I've got my eye. I'm never going to stop looking at this guy. Besides sunlight, what do you hate the most? Being blown out on cameras I don't know Are you scared of heights? Or monsters? No I have scorpions In my house for the first time.

I lived in Arizona for seven years. No. Yeah, my two kids. And they're fucking awful. But it's pretty common to have scorpions, and you lasted all this time. Is that what you're saying? Are scorpions...

Are there a lot of scorpions? Yeah, there are, but this is the first time I've seen them. Do you still pull pranks on Mr. Wilson? We did brush over his son being a pussy because of that. That's exactly what I was just about to get back to. And why is your son a pussy? He just fucking cries about everything. Wow.

He's like, get over here. How old is he again? He cries when I hit him. Have you ever told him that you think he cries too much? Yeah, all the time. And he's like, shut up, dad. You're a nurse. What does he normally... What does your son normally say

when you tell him that you think he cries too much? I don't know. Can we find out? Would you be willing to call your son right now and share with him live on the show the 8-year-old son that you think he cries a little bit too much? Can you call him on speakerphone? No, I can't. He's in bed.

He's in bed? Dude, he is a pussy. He's in bed already? He's in bed crying himself to sleep. 926? What kind of 8-year-old is this? Have some fucking fun. Leave him alone, but is his mom still alive? Wait, that doesn't even... Alright.

Alright, Josh. He's at home with mom? Yeah. What's his bedtime bedtime for reals? I try to get him to bed as soon as the sun goes down. Wow. I thought you were going to say as soon as the sun comes up. I can't stand that pussy.

Time for bed, son. All right. So, Josh, this was your first time ever on stage, and it was a pleasure to meet you. And there he goes. Same, Josh, this was your first time ever on stage, and it was a pleasure to meet you, and there he goes. Same. Yes. B.

Another American War veteran, a medic. His first time ever. That's two people back to back. It has been their first ever time on stage. So we have a little bit of forward momentum going on with that right now. Who knows? How many left do you think we have? Way, way, way too many. All right. Here's another new name.

Put your hands together for Thomas Zorio. In a room where you do what you don't confess She was a hot pocket bubble and moving in the oven and talking Zorio Thank you guys for saying my last name right. I got a weird last name, Zorio. Not many people get it right. People ask me, they're like, that's an interesting name.

That's actually very ill-fitting. Just like your voice. That's not a stage name. That's my real last name. That's a Cuban last name. I don't identify as Cuban. I identify as a white Latino. And I say that.

Okay, these are the benefits of being a white Latino. I'm white. And those are the benefits of being a white Latino. It wasn't easy being a white Latino man Mexican kids made fun of me Because I looked white White kids made fun of me because I was fat I could never win

Okay Fuck yeah Thomas Zorio What's the last name again? That's the craziest name I've ever heard Thomas Zorio. What's the last name again? Zorio. That's the craziest name I've ever heard. Thomas Zorio. He should do a whole minute on how crazy that name is. What did the other Zorios do?

The other one died. So there's that. Wow. How'd the other one die? Who's the other one? Pops. Yeah. How'd he die?

Heart attack. Heart attack. I don't believe it. Wow, Joel Berg just... Wow, really building a wall between you and the other Latino on this stage. Alright, well... Thomas, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Three and a half years. Three and a half years. All here in Phoenix? Yeah. Right. How old are you? 27. What do you do for work? I'm an outbound salesman.

A what? Outbound salesman. Outbound? Yeah, like you've seen Wolf of Wall Street? Yeah. It's like that, but a lot shittier. Really? Yeah.

Wow. That really didn't answer the question. I sell advertisement at Yelp. Whoa. Probably not after this podcast, though. Wow. Well, that's fun. I mean, how long have you been doing that for?

About a month now. What were you doing before that? I sold insurance. How would you rate that job? How would I rate that job? How would I rate that job? Somebody said liberty like you were their insurance guy at one point. Well, I got fired from there, so I didn't do very well.

Was it liberty? I can't say for legal reasons, but the feeling wasn't liberty mutual. Whoa! That was good. I like that. Why were you fired, though? I mean, were you being too progressive? Wow, look at this guy. He's got it.

We're all in good hands. Fuck yeah. It's the Indian spirit. It's a joke so easy, even a caveman could do it. You said you had an ill-fitting voice. I would have gone with T-shirt. Oh, really? Thanks, Phoenix.

So, what's your favorite food? Arroz con gris. What? You got so excited you became unintelligible. The politically correct term is white Latino. It's arroz con gri. What is that? It's a Cuban food.

You gotta make rice and beans and you cook them together at the same time. That's not nationwide. Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm pretty sure the statute of limitations is up on our insurance jokes. All right, Josh.

So it's just rice and beans mixed together, that's it? They're cooked in a certain way, yeah. You gotta make the rice... What's the way? Because by the shape of you, it looks like in slow-roasted maple syrup. When you say a certain way, I feel like it's that certain way part

that we're kind of needing to know. I don't know what the grass is eating, but it's definitely grass-fed at this state farm. Because rice and beans is really good for you, and you look like you haven't taken a shit since 2012. 2013, close, yeah. There you go. How's your tuberculosis coming along? You should do more jokes about the other lumberjacks bullying you. That actually is really funny.

Do you always wear shirts like you're dressed like a young John Goodman? I do. Yeah, I have some jokes about that. John Badman? Yeah. He looks like the brawny man if he really let himself go. I get Drew Carey sometimes too. Well, the price is wrong.

Whose light is in any way Drew Carey? Not Price is Right Drew Carey. Right. I think they're talking about Mimi from the Drew Carey show, right? Less eyeshadow. Zorio, Was that Mexican? Cuban

And Thomas Also Cuban By the looks of it, it looks like you eat a lot of Zorios Deep fried Zorios, perhaps Bringing it back to grade school with that one You have a girlfriend right now? No No, I wasn't kidding.

I was genuinely asking. Sometimes people like you can, believe it or not, find other people also shaped like you, and you guys normally hang out for as long as you possibly can with each other until your inner hate makes you realize that you need to change for the best, and it actually would help you get in shape

because you would hate your girlfriend so much and then she would be stuck being fat and you'd get your life together like Jared from Subway and then you'd leave her. Perhaps I'm foreshadowing. Who knows? Maybe I'm just being an asshole. When's the last time you hooked up with a girl?

When's the last time you chicken fingered a girl? Wait, what? What is that? When was the last time a chicken fingered a girl? Wait, what? What is that? When was the last time a girl lumberjacked you off? You mean lumberjacked him off? There it is. They love it. Oh, gross.

They love it. Wow, everybody stop clapping when Joel took his shirt off. It's like the reverse Hulk Hogan effect. Well, we have Bob's big boy on stage right now. I'm not gonna... Joel, why do you look like Andy Kaufman at the end of Man on the Moon?

You really wanna know? I look like sleep with Lyme disease. Wait, what did you say? Speaking of full-sized babies. Yeah. Oh, do I look that young? I like that. I like how your nipples match your eyebrows.

Like, that same color. Dark. Those are some big nipples, though. Are those corn or flour? Actually, they're pesos. You watch your fucking mouth. All right. Well,

Thomas, do you have any fun hobbies or anything like that? You ever rollerblade to the kitchen or anything? I bike to Burger King about twice a day. That's about it. Wait, say that again? I bike to Burger King about twice a day. You bicycle?

Yeah, I bike. You bicycle to Burger King twice a day? Yeah, I'm the only guy. It's clear that he works it all off in the ride. I'm the only guy that bought a bike and gained 10 pounds. Did you eat the bicycle? So when you immigrated from Cuba, why did you decide to keep the tire around your waist?

Wow. That was amazing. Goddamn. Yeah. Joelberg. So let's get back to this bicycle. Is this a... You have a regular bicycle or is it like a

two-person bicycle that you just use yourself? It's a road bike. It's a regular road bike? A mountain bike? No, not a mountain bike. A mountain do-bike? Code red, bro. And you really go to Burger King twice a day? No, that was just...

Burger King's the worst. I mean, I don't know. You might as well just have said yes because it was very believable, Thomas. All right. Well, did I get an answer when the last time you hooked up with a girl is? You ever...

Valentine's Day, yeah. Wow, hell yeah. She must have given you chocolates. Got you all hot and heavy, baby. Baby! Hot and heavy. So, what happened on Valentine's Day? Who was this chick?

I bet you she refers to it as the Valentine's Day Massacre. They weren were chocolates, but that's because we went ass to mouth afterwards. Whoa! Okay. All right. Oh, and the lights started going.

I love that. I got a question. The lights guy is getting in on this. He's like, this is perfect. Strobe lights now. Ask the mouth reference. I've been waiting all night for this. After you went ask the mouse,

ask the mouse. I'm checking you off. What did her dick taste like? Ask the mouse. It's a Cuban thing. Mouth. All right. Mouth, mouth.

What happened on Valentine's Day? Who was that? Who was it? Names. No. Not names. You met her on plenty of plenty of plenty of fetch.com? I actually met her at a previous job.

Oh, yeah? What was the previous job? One of the ones in my set. Oh, shit. Yeah, she just got out of the psych ward, and she was like, hey, I'm stable now. I was like, all right. Wait, we have to remember your set to think of which job it was?

Where'd you hook up with her at? Yeah, where? Her place. Wow, her place. Do you remember any civic that was on the walls or anything like that? Yeah, in between the bed and the wall, I found her daughter's toys.

It was this tree. Whoa. Fuck yeah. What do you mean? Like a bunch of dildos? Got a Hitachi in the group. Okie dokie, guys. Well, there you go, Thomas.

Congratulations. Fun times. Thanks for coming on the show. There he goes, Thomas Zorio. Hey, Thomas was the funniest person here tonight. The funniest comedic energy. He had the most comedic energy.

The back of his neck was funny. The way his glasses sat on his face was funny. His lumberjack shirt was funny. I like that he said he biked to Burger King twice. I like that it was a lie, too. So he's the funniest. So all these other motherfuckers aren't funny.

The back of his neck looked like Bart Simpson's mouth. Like a... There you go. Looked like the lips. Looked like old Simpson's lips. He definitely won the sweating contest. Undisputed. All right.

This looks like an interesting name. Put your hands together for Ashwin Nambia. Ashwin. It might be. Ashwin Nambia. Where is Ashwin Nambia? Wow. Is it our first.R. Wow. Is it our first blacklisted?

Wow. Is that true? Could somebody really be that scared? Ashwin's not here. Ashwin doesn't feel like being roasted. Wow. Blacklisted. Yeah, sure.

I don't think they're ever coming back, Brian. Brownlisted. How about Jonathan Gerber? Jonathan. Whoa. Pop. It's a real pop. Jonathan Gerber, I believe it is this gentleman.

I really fucking hope it is. Here he comes. Jonathan Gerber Have you ever been so hard up for sex That every night before falling asleep You pray you'll be abducted by aliens So at least your anus will be probed My last girlfriend though was a real prize Among her many fine qualities,

she was addicted to prescription opioids, so I used to affectionately call her my little oxymoron. I've paid for three abortions so far, so no one can ever accuse me of being a deadbeat dad. I take care of my kids. I take care of my kids. When a woman's hair color is of suspicious origin,

men often ask themselves, I wonder if the carpet matches the drapes. Personally, I don't care for carpet on a woman. I much prefer a nice hardwood floor. The most I can tolerate is a very small area rug. I think it's strange, though, the men never ask themselves, I wonder if the wallpaper matches the drapes. The wallpaper, of course, is armpit hair.

I once hooked up... Jonathan Gerber. Last name Gerber, but the guy that looks least like a baby out of everybody that's been here tonight. Jonathan, welcome to the show. It's an honor and a pleasure to have the Sheriff Joe Arpoyo here signing up for Kill Tony. Hopefully you don't make us wear pink underwear after this. I don't know what it is about you.

You look like you voted for Trump twice somehow. I actually do a lot of jokes about assassinating Trump. Oh, really? Wow, that's great. That puts you on a list. Yeah. I've gotten in trouble over it. Oh, really?

How'd you get in trouble? It's a long story. Is it really? Mother got very angry with me. Jonathan, you... Everybody that's gone on tonight has something... Oh, forget it. I was going to say something awesome in their left pocket.

But you took it out right when I started talking about it. It's my right pocket and their car keys. It's nothing awesome. Wow. That's interesting. Your right pocket is on the left side of your pants. That's amazing to me. What did you get in trouble for? What was the Trump shit? You said it's a long story. An audience member

threatened to call the Secret Service on me. Oh, okay. And you believe them? You know how you call your Secret Service, right? There's not even a way to get the Secret Service on me. Oh, okay. And you believe them? You know how you call your Secret Service, right? There's not even a way to get the number. Would anybody here tonight do that? We can all hear this, right? Nobody's calling the Secret Service on a fucking stand-up show.

Yeah, we're not going to call the Secret Service. Hey, Siri, call the Secret Service. Alexa. What's the joke, Jonathan? Let's hear it We have a possible suspect in pursuit right now Stay in the pocket Jonathan Literally

I mean those are some big pockets You can stay in them I want to wish a very happy 12th birthday To first child Barron Trump I gotta admit though The day your dad's assassinated Will be the happiest day of my life. Is that wrong? Well, the

paraphrase R&B legend Luther Ingram, if wishing President Trump dead is wrong, then I don't want to be right. Wow, is this the last word with Keith Olbermann? What is this? Is this how you wrap up your weekly show? Here's some final thoughts.

And if being that is wrong, then I don't want to be right. We'll see you next week where my guest will be Dorothy Blanchett with a book that... Like, what the fuck is that? Are you on Public Access or something like that? You have your own show?

If so, what would it be called? My political material isn't always successful. Oh, okay. What do you do for work, Jonathan? You seem like you're a nice guy at the gun range, right? I do have kind of a psychopathic stage persona,

but I've never owned a weapon. And eyes, and the way you talk and stand and feel and smell. But other than that, it's pretty much like totally calm and comforting. You look like you took all the acid your jeans

are supposed to be washed with. You look like you took all the acid your jeans are supposed to be washed with. Jonathan, how long have you been doing stand-up? Just over three years with no success. Well, I mean, geez. Moderate success. Well, the Secret Service has heard about you. No, they haven't.

At least the Old Navy has. Yeah, you're one of the... What do you do for work? I recently left a job of over 10 years and I'm getting... Left my job in the city. Alright, I don't think that's where he was getting at. I'm subsisting on rental income now.

What were you doing for over 10 years? Oh wait, I know. Your brother, the Durst owns the World Trade Center in New York. My brother died as a baby, so you're wrong. Oh, Jesus. Wow. So take that! Looks like I'm a big loser on this one.

I don't understand. Why didn't you open with that? I should've. How did your brother die as a baby? He tried to play with you in the bathtub? I don't know. He never left the hospital. He died at like three days old.

Really? Fuck, what a pussy. You know what I'm saying? Let's find some... Jesus. Three fucking days. Was he crying the whole time? Yeah. It's like, grow a set of balls, dude. Literally, bro.

Fucking baby balls. How old were you when your brother died? Two. Hell yeah. Okay, okay. I don't know how you were able to get the sound effects drunk as well, but it's pouring shit on your iPad.

But human things don't work. So, Jonathan, this is very interesting. So you did that for over ten years, and now you're doing rental assistance. What does that mean? Not rental assistance. I own some property and collect income on it. Wow, you own property.

He's a slumlord. Yeah, is this true? It's millionaire. Airbnb, right? No, it's commercial property. Commercial property. Like Kinko's, huh? Are you just going to keep guessing until you guess the company?

That's what it is. He's a Kinko's guy. It's definitely not. Making copies. Wow. Are you referencing bad SNL sketches from the 80s right now? No, I wasn't.

Making copies. Is that old Rob Schneider? No, that's what Kinko's does. Oh, okay. Anyway, I mean, I know Kinko's has copy machines. All right. Fight! Fight! There you go, Jeremiah. Very good. Classy as always. You know, when he's angry, he puts both hands in his pockets.

Oh, shit. I've got two hands. Jonathan, let me ask you this. This is one of my favorite questions to ask people. Don't hesitate. Just let it out right when I ask it. Don't overthink it, okay? Least favorite race? Least favorite race?

Yeah. Juice. Whoa! Oh, shit! Nagila Hava! Nagila! Oh, no. My least favorite race is the Indy 500.

Like, why so many laps? Very good. I myself am a 500. Like, why so many laps? Very good. I myself am a kike. Wait, say that again? I myself am a kike. Oh, I see. Okay, well, that makes it better. Let's all fly a kike.

I knew you were Jewish, Jonathan. You rent out commercial real estate. What's your favorite kind of bagel? Everything. A young one. Dude, he looks like he has x-ray vision, but only for children. Jonathan, what's the youngest girl you ever hooked up with? 18?

15, but I was 16. I'm calling the Secret Service. I don't think they're interested in statutory. You single now? I consider myself single. Wow, what does your wife call it?

I'm not married. Mother says we will live together forever. All right. Let's keep flying through people. Jonathan, you've been doing it a few years. We'll see you again, hopefully, next time we're in town. There he goes. Thank you.

Jonathan Gerber on Kill Tony. Live. Well, I feel like a lot of people are going to go to Copperhead Blues after this. I feel like he's going to the Lucky Strike for some reason. You know what I mean? Just stand around the grab-and-go machines

just on the other side of the glass. Oh, what are you trying to win? He's got a shirt that would be a hit over at Gypsy Bar. This looks like a different version of Jonathan Gerber. Let's go with Jesse Guerrero. Come inside. I wanna touch it, kitty in my foot And I wanna touch it, kitty in my foot And I wanna touch it, kitty in my foot

Is there movement here? I'm not seeing it. Oh! Put it, put it, put it, put it Here we go. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Jesse Guerrero Meow, meow, meow, meow. Jesse Guerrero.

Hell yeah. Jesse Guerrero, ladies and gentlemen. So, I like to chill out in Lane Bryant's parking lot to pick up fat bitches. I be like, hey baby, I know this killer buffet up the spot I know you hungry what happened to Eric Gardner was pretty bad

but I wish somebody would kill my dad for a million and a half dollars I'll take it would it be bad if I started a GoFundMe for my dad who died four years ago? When do blind people know they're done wiping? Do they sniff the toilet paper? I wouldn't suggest eating a blind person's booty like groceries. I was walking down the street the other day and I saw this one-eyed person with an eye patch and I was like

What does that shirt say that he's wearing and he had written on their hashtag all eyes matter Fuck yeah, there he is Like your style man, you remind me of like a cannibal Burris or something like that. Oh, you have a good grip. Yeah. No, favorite Ross. My favorite Ross. It's hard to have dreams

with sleep apnea. Also, it's funny you brought up Eric Garner because it looks like you can't breathe. I used to read Word Up magazine. Tony. Yes, Jeremiah Watkins. Yeah, he looks more like Don Burger King to me.

Yeah, you look like Speedwalk the Jewels. Because he can't run the jewels, Brian. That's why. Hey, this guy looks like the weekend for a whole month. Patty Reagan is back there eating Chipotle. I had to come out and say something. Hey, Patty, when did that joke PM Dawn on you? Man, that is fun.

Jesse, nice to meet you. Clearly your first time on the show. I've only seen you before during a solar eclipse. This guy's like EPLB. You got a lot of darkness to your set. Wait a second. What the fuck? Let's just slow down.

Why would you listen? Let me just let me I mean, he does like okie dokie. Anyway, Jesse, how long have you been on stand up? This is my second time ever doing it. Second time ever doing it. That's pretty good. Joelberg.

He's got a Charles Manson tattoo on his right arm and an NWA tattoo on the other side. Just wanted to throw that out there. I fucking like this style. Yeah, he explores both sides of every... Oh, that was Brian. I thought somebody just walked up here.

I thought that guy from the audience... There you go. ...wants to do five seconds. So, Jesse, what do you do for work? Nothing right now. Really? Yeah. How do you do for work? Nothing right now Really? How do you survive? My parents

Wow And you would still kill your dad? What if he hears that joke? Oh he's gonna hear it But he'll probably be pretty upset Wow What do they do? What do your parents do?

My dad's a truck driver My mom works at Walmart Your mom works at Walmart? Oh, fuck yeah. And how old are you? I'm 26. 26 and you're still living with them? A truck driver and a lady that works at Walmart?

Jesse, what the fuck are we doing over here? I just moved back from North Dakota. I lived out there for five years. Wow, there's one fan of North Dakota. You like to just hover around between states that don't have a lot of black people? Well, I moved out there when I was 20,

slept in a car with my buddy for three months to work. There's no job. And then you went there, and everybody was like, get out! Yeah, there's no job in California. That's where I'm originally from, so... There's no jobs in California. The third largest I'm originally from. There's no jobs in California? No.

The third largest economy in the world. Okie dokie. Pretty positive that there is. I live there. I live the fuck out of there, and I know there is. But sure, whatever your parents need to believe.

We're at the point of the show where this is the part where Brian thinks peeing into the microphone in the bathroom is funny, by the way. For those of you that didn't catch it, that was Brian peeing into a toilet. Pretty good. I like that.

Now, Jesse, let's get into it. The last job you had, what was it? I was a taxi driver. When was that? About a month ago. You were a taxi driver? Yeah, in North Dakota. I got an AT over. I ran a red light and totaled my taxi.

So I said, fuck it, I'll move back with my parents. Wow. By the looks of you, I figured you loved T-bones. Fuck. So 18-year-old girl hit you. What was that like? What was that crash like? Did that scare you?

Did you have passengers at the time? No, I didn't have any passengers. I was on my way with my wife. Tony, I'm an airbag. I was on my way to Motel 6 to pick up this... In North Dakota, you would send the homeless people around town for vouchers. So I was on my way to pick one up, and a girl ran a red light and hit me. Damn.

Yeah. Man. Wow. Oh, no. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. It's fine. Don't look. Don't look. Brian's got a drinking problem. Red band? What I did this time.

That's not going to help anything. Thanks. It's okay. It was just the recorder. That was actually a stunt drink anyways. Have another one come in, Jimmy. I'd like another one if anybody's listening. Okay. If anyone listening to this podcast wants to come down and get me a drink.

It's okay. It'll just clean itself at this point. So, Jesse, why is your name Jesse Guerrero? You look like you'd have a cooler name than Jesse Guerrero How can you be any cooler than Eddie Guerrero? You have a point there Are you really a Guerrero?

Yeah, my dad's Mexican Really? Yeah, he was born in Tijuana Wow Wait, wait, wait Was he born from a hooker? I love this guy I love everything he said actually

It's just cheaper to have kids in the 70s in Mexico. So his mom went and did that. It's cheaper right now to have kids in Mexico. You can get two for one. So, Jesse, what do you do for fun? What do you like your hobbies other than, you know, eating food and chilling? I like sports a lot, you know. Yeah?

Everything except golf. Everything except golf. Everything except golf. Why do you not like golf? It's the walking that they do. It's the money part. I'm not rich, so I can't play it. You look like you love chocolate cake that's rich.

Oh, fuck. Come on, Joe. What else other than sports? Anything that you ever go do for fun or that you're into? Sports and laughing. That's all I care about. Sports and laughing.

You play video games? Not at all. I hate video games. You hate video games? That's impossible. No, that's not impossible. That makes sense. When your fingers can't hit one button at once.

You're right. Can't even attach your sky? No. I'm 26. Yeah. What's that mean? He's grown up, Brian. Yeah, what's that mean?

This is the type of guy that uses an Xbox for a lunchbox, if you know what I'm talking about. And for a guy who may have a halo soon. Oh, okay. That's the fucking... Shirt's off again. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Burt Kreischer's catch. Oh, no. There he goes. Oh, shit. Oh, it's going for old Burt Kreischer. Don't panic, Jesse. It's all going to be okay. He's losing clothes.

All right, for you podcast listeners, Joel is now down to his very, very cheap underwear. Yeah. His poor people underwear on. It's dick as bruised as normal. I know. Here we go, Jeremiah. Shout out to MeUndies.com.

No, no, no. What poor underwear? I got to hear what the top Young Rising comedian's underwear is. What do you mean? MeUndies, obviously. What are you asking me? MeUndies all the way. They really are.

Go to MeUndies.com. They really are. Can you confirm that? Look. They really are. Oh, my God. They actually are MeUndies. MeUndies.com.

Holy shit, they are. I used my four hymns today. I checked in with ZipRecruiter looking for some new hires I got my blue apron made it on the way here I took a nap on a Casper mattress Did you start a new website on Squarespace?

Yes, absolutely 100% Have you had generic Viagra yet? Alright, moving along Jesse I mean, is there anything that you're afraid of that you think would surprise us? That a big, cozy-looking guy like you, you know, a guy that seems like he would keep people safe. Like, is there something that scares you in which we'd be like, oh, fuck, Jesse's afraid of this?

We're fucked. I'm afraid to eat expired food. What is that? I'm afraid to eat expired food. What is that? I'm afraid to eat expired food. Spider food? Expired food. Expired food.

I'm with you on that one. Hell yeah. Whenever there's food that's expired in the house, I just throw it away. Right. My mom gets pissed off at me. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's true.

Because sometimes they're just telling you the sell-by date. Yeah. Your greatest fears are often conquered by just reading a thing on the side of the packaging. I wanted to tip her, but she got away too fast. I gotta keep it. I'll take it. Maybe I could buy some new underwear.

Jesse. How long did you say you've been on stand-up again? Second time ever on stage. Second time ever, but the first time I did it two years ago in Montana. Why so much space in between? There's no stand-up scene in North Dakota. How are you still alive?

No, in North Dakota. I've been in North Dakota for the last five years. How long have you been here? This is my third week here. Is this something you're going to keep doing here in Phoenix? Yeah. I'm telling you, I really think you should, man. I think especially, you know, clearly you have a look and a cadence and a comfort up here. And on top of all that, you know.

You look like a W. Kumail Liberty Bell. Yeah, he's like a crisscross. Yeah, there's nothing else to take off, man. Don't do it. Yeah, he's like Chris Cross. Yeah, there's nothing else to take off, man. Don't do it. Oh, there is. There he goes. Jesse Guerrero, ladies and gentlemen. Yay, Jesse! What do you guys think? One more?

One more! It's just gonna to be quick. It's just going to be quick. You're crazy. One last one. Yeah, we're doing it. Let's see what happens. Guy.

One word. Guy. Guy. Peaceful as it comes You had a goal, you had a goal But the family leaves Cause you're the only one I'll be good at it I'll be good at it

It's all good, nigga I'll be good at it It's all good, nigga I'll be good at it That morning Yo, yo, yo How's it going guys? Freaking out, but I'll get through this. Sorry about that. My name is Guy. Super easy to remember. People call me Guy Sensei. Shout out to Naruto fans.

Let's talk about my face. Y'all are thinking about it. I'm thinking about y'all not thinking about it. My gauges. My plugs, most people would call it. Two questions I get almost on a daily basis. No, you can't put your dick in them. And two, you might not be able to, sir. I would challenge you to prove it. Two, no, they don't hurt. These get asked almost every single day that I fuck. Sorry. These get asked all the time. The easiest response, again, is no, don't put your dick in them. And two, they do not hurt.

The reason why my face looks like this is it's kind of like the, Jesus Christ, the manifestation of bad decisions. There you go. One minute with Guy. Yikes. I think this is the bombing everybody was waiting for. Sorry. Wow.

Thank you. You look like the guy the overhead speaker won't work for at a Trader Joe's. Clean up and, uh... Clean up and, uh... Oh, shit. Sorry. Clean up and, uh... You gotta admit, he fanny-packed

in a lot of material. It's true. Yeah. It is true. And he has quite the ear for talent. I didn't know how to gauge that set, personally. So, now... Oh, no! Thank you! talent. I didn't know how to gauge that set personally. Oh, no! Thank you! Look at his weird butt.

Jules... I just had a question. Yes. Jules Berg has a question. Why? He said something about a dick fitting through his ear holes. Wow. Dude, but would you let him though?

I'd let Joel Berg. Not Joel Jimenez, but Joel Berg. Wait, wait, wait. You said that guys can't fit their thing through your... No, you're not allowed to. I'm sure a second. You said that guys can't fit their thing through your... No, you're not allowed to. I'm sure you could. You wouldn't even let Joel Berg do it?

No, Joel Berg can't do it. It's not happening. Do it. I am. I am. All right, get the... Come on. Come on, David.

Come on. I on, David. Come on. Epic. It's not happening. I'm sorry. Guy, you can be a star. Just do it. Just do what Jeremiah does.

All right, forget it. All right, forget it. Jesus, guy. You're going to make us fucking rape your ear? What? Yeah, I'm not doing that. What an asshole you are. Oh, I'd let Joel Berg do it. No, no, no, no, no, no.

What are you, fucking Stormy Daniels over here? Put yourself in position to get your ear fucked. It's going to happen. Did you hear what he said? He said, I'm used to this. Don't worry. This is a common question. It's been asked multiple times.

Hey, bro. We could do it backstage if you want. Hey, bro. I'll do it if you do it, bro. What will you do? You'll let Joel touch your ear with his dick? Yeah, dude. Really?

I can't fit through that. I can't fit through that. All right. Would that make you feel better if he touched Jeremiah's actual ear and then tried to fit it through your lobe? All these people want to see. All these people. Yeah, they really want

you. They really want you. He might actually fit it through my actual ear. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me negotiate a little more. This still feels a little forced. You know, that's why they call me like a young Bill Cosby. It takes me a little time, but I'll get what I want.

You got a pink sock in the back! Hold on. Brian, please. I'm trying to do something here. Let's just hold steady for a second. Guy, what is it about Joel trying to stick his dick through your gigantic earring that you don't want to happen? It's fatter than the hole in his ears.

What do you think is going to happen? What do you think? Are you going to be embarrassed in front of coworkers? Because they could just replay your 60 second set and that would be bad. But if you do this, I guarantee you, you're going to get a fucking and it'll end the show. Everybody goes home happy.

It'll be a standing ovation if this guy puts his dick through your ear. Dude. You're going to be the star of the show. Oh my god. This is not going to end well. Dude, I will go first. Jeremiah is now

willing to go first. And by the way, let me just let me just, hold on. Please, please, please. Please, please, please. Audience, please, just give me a second here. Now, let me just remind you what's going on here. Jeremiah has now, in the negotiations,

offered to go first dibs. You can watch Joel's dick touch Jeremiah's ear before Joel, who is an eagle, he doesn't even have the intention to touch your ear. You have an inner protector. You have the clondon of an inner ear. Yes, Joel. I 100% need consent on video.

Because I'm not going to... I need consent. Go look into Alexa and tell that bitch that. She's right there. I'll let this guy do it. If he gives me consent, I'll do it 100%. But I need 100% consent. Hey, Joel.

You got 100% permission right here. I love you. Hey Joel, you got 100% permission right here. Pretty sure Jeremiah's always wanted you to put your dick in his ear. And I've always wanted to. Alright, so when they're done doing that, I'm gonna smoke your shirt. Guy, Guy, alright, Guy, Guy, I need you to focus for a second. What's the most exciting thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life? Like the highlight of your life.

Besides this, I survived a car crash eight months ago. So a car crash was the second best thing that's ever happened to you in your life. Yes. Let me tell you something, Guy. Right now, you're going to look back on this moment for the rest of your life. And most of the time, your grandkids aren't going to be next to you. And all those times

you're going to be like, fuck yeah, close the show. Phoenix, the first ever Kill Tony in Phoenix. And then, and then, and then, and then, of course, you know, a few decades down the road, you will be there with your grandkids. They're going to be like, Grandpa, yous was gay. But you just ignore that.

That's decades away. You don't have to worry about it. And you're wearing a fanny pack. You're not going to have babies for a long time. That's true. So what do you say, guy? Are we going to give Joel consent and get the fuck out of here? Or am I going to...

Plug it in! Plug it in! Plug it in! I don't want peer pressure. I need to know he consents on his own. By the way, zero cell phones, by the way, you goddamn animals. I know you're all waiting to become fucking YouTube stars. It's streaming right now.

It's on Facebook. Maybe No, I know it's streaming. You know what? Maybe it's not a good idea. Maybe I touch Jeremiah's ear and then we let this guy go. Wait, what? No. Okay, fuck it.

Let's do it. Let's fuck this guy's ear, dude. Oh my God. Dude, if it's just me, that's freaking gay, dude. You know what? You're right. What the fuck, Joel? Put your clothes gay, dude. You know what? You're right. What the fuck, Joel?

Put your clothes on, dude. What the fuck? We have to stay the same? Guy, what else would we have to do to make you more comfortable to want to do this? I mean, there's really nothing more comfortable. I just, I really wish that I could have bombed and you could have asked me, like, what I... You did. You did.

You did. No, no, no. I know. I understand that. You did. I promise you. I was expecting the bombing to happen and then you to be like most people. Guy, you bombed so fucking bad it was incredible.

This is my advice. My advice to you is start putting dicks through your ears. Okay. I mean, I'm giving you everything you want. You wanted advice. You wanted a chance. I give you the opportunity. It's a live show. There's gonna be

people. And one day you're gonna get tweets and Instagrams and it's either going to be you fucking loser or it's going to be, wow, guy, I fucking hated you until you let Joel Burke put his dick through your earring. Is there anybody else with plugs

that will let me do it? I'm pretty sure there's a big... Just look the other way, dude. What are we doing? Why do we want to see this? Am I the only one that doesn't want to see it sick right now? I don't want to see it, but I want it to happen. Alright, stop again.

I'm doing a complete shutdown. What is holding you back right now, Guy? I mean... You don't want to... The size, baby. Oh, my fucking God. Nothing really holding me back besides the hundreds of thousands

of thousands of people. Let him shove his little... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch the word little, Tony. I'm out of here. Jesus. All right. What's stopping you?

I mean, besides, like, physical penetration to my face, literal penetration to my face, I just feel like... It's not your face. It's your earlobe. It's a hole near your face. He's going to be putting it through. He's putting his dick in air.

The air in the hole. Dude, can I just put one ball through? Yeah, just a ball. Can I? What can we negotiate here, guy? Can he at least, like, teabag your fanny pack or something? All right. All right, guys.

I don't want to negotiate. I'll suck Joel Burr's dick. Alright guys, I'll sock Joel Burr's dick. I mean, then would you let him do it? If the sock fully goes inside of Jeremiah's mouth, it can go through my ear. It's penetration for penetration. Dude, honestly, I would consider it if he just hadn't worn that sock

on his foot. I don't do foot stuff, bro. Does anyone have a clean sock? That is the... Nobody has a clean sock here. It's Phoenix. It's hot. They're all stinky. The sock, it's not even going to fit through there, right?

I'll touch it. I don't even want to do this anymore. This got weird. Yeah, it did. I'm sorry, man. It's just not every day people actually act on the fact of wanting to put their penis in my mouth. Yeah, you're the one that brought it.

You started it. I said that people have asked me that. Hey, people actually try and come fuck my mouth. You started it. I said that people have asked me that. Hey, people actually try and come fuck my head. We got a sock on today. We said a clean sock. For those of you listening to the podcast, obviously,

this is the dirtiest Don't put it know. Stop. Don't put it down. Stop. Did you just put it up to the mic? Is it going to speak? Is it going to say something? It could have.

It was so dirty. Stop, sir. Get out of here. You're a bad man. This audience is now throwing their dirty socks at the stage. That's the dirtiest sock I've ever seen in my life. This place is all of a sudden turning into an episode of Muppet Babies Up here, like people throwing stuff at the comedians If Guy doesn't do this

His entire career, people are going to throw socks at him Jeremiah is gagging And not on Joel's dick And it's really depressing I don't need this This is a Louie situation Let's move on, I'm sorry I got naked Louie does not get permission.

Let's end this shit. Neither did I. Guy, you are officially Pussy of the Night. There he is. Guy. There's a body in my pussy. Something great. There he goes, Guy.

Back to Trader Joe's he goes. The nurse's kid. The nurse's kid was just like... There's a party in my pussy. Something great is going on. There's a party in my pussy. All right, we're going to do a quick one. All right, one more, but after this, this is it. It's a quick one.

It's a quick one, and Joel's just gonna put his dick in your ear and it's over, alright? Alright, put your hands together for Reese Muniz. She's my cherry pie Cool drinkin' water, such a sweet surprise Tastes so good, make a grown man cry Sweet cherry pie, yeah Reese Munez, ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night. Come on. What up?

Where my Latinas at, huh? It's Phoenix. Where my Latinas? Make some noise. Alright, love Latinas. I love they Latinas. They're beautiful But these bitches love to eat, man They eat like they're going into hibernation or some shit I know they're fertile, but They ain't gotta eat for two all the time, you know what I'm saying? Latinas, they don't even paint their nails anymore, man

They're just stained red From all the hot cheetos and takis they be eating. And it's hard dating girls nowadays with all the makeup they wear. Like, I thought I was dating Kylie Jenner for like a week. And then she came over with What's her name? Caitlyn I'm just saying man Less is more Cause I'm tired of giving girls hugs And walking away with Wilson From Castaway on my shirt Reese Muniz

Alright, alright, alright Alright, real quick Reese, how long have you been on stand up? Like a year That was an amazing set Great stuff All right, all right, all right, all right. All right, real quick. Reese, how long have you been on stand-up? Like a year. That was an amazing set. Great stuff. What do you do for work?

I do billing for... Target? Nah. Kool-Aid? Nah, I don't even want to say nah. I don't want to get in trouble. Nah, don't get in trouble. Those earrings are nice. You ever have a dick touch them?

Nah, I don't. Now, you went with diamonds. Like, you get them at JCPenney's, you get them somewhere fancy, we're stealing from Kohl's. Yeah! Fuck yeah, like a goddamn American. I love it, Reese. Well, we're just gonna keep moving

on with the show. That was, we just wanted to get someone else up here. Anything crazy? Any crazy things about you? Like, you ever do anything nuts? Like you ever kill a sibling or anything like that? Nah, nothing crazy, bro. You ever rollerblade over somebody's categories game or something like that?

Nah, nothing, man. The guy before you could have done something nuts. He chose not to. You ever put a fart in a cup and put it in a cat's face just to look at its reaction? No way, bro. You out there cupping cats? What's the weirdest thing you've ever done? Fuck, man.

I don't know. I can't even think of anything right now. I got nothing. I'm sorry, you guys. I'm normal. There must be something a little bit off about you. Come on. Your mom's never like, you fucking chew with your mouth open. Or something like that. I want to smoke weed so bad.

Jesus, Brian, we are still on the air. This guy's just giving up. So, Reese, anything interesting about you? How many siblings do you have? I got one little brother. Wow. I thought you were Mexican. I know.

Me too. How old's your little brother? He's going to be 17. Wow. Okay, Mexican. All right, cool. He's still going to high school? Yeah.

What do you think about how Joel's representing the Latino race right now? How does he look over there to you? He's holding up, I guess. That's right. Hey, watch your fucking mouth, eh? Look at that fucking body. It looks like Bill Burrito. Dude, I had

chile relleno and fucking enchiladas today, alright? I'm ready. Luis C. Quesadilla. Reese Munez. Alright, Reese. I mean, you seem like sort of a tough guy. I get the vibe from you that you're cool and happy here,

but you live a double life. You hang out with a tough gang of people at night, like on Fridays and Saturdays. It's that mustache. You guys get a booth at the club with a bottle of orange juice or whatever? Nah, man, I roll solo. You go solo to the club?

Yeah, sometimes. Really? And how does that work out for you? You just leave with the ladies? You just go up to people that are there on dates, like, yo, you're with me now, baby? Hell yeah, sometimes. Really? And how does that work out for you? You just leave with the ladies? You just go up to people that are there on dates like, yo, you're with me now, baby? Hell yeah, bro. He looks like the coolest team leader at Target.

He goes to parties and his shirt matches the cups. You have any special sex moves that you do in the bedroom? Something with, like, your tongue when you're going down on a girl or something like that? Anything crazy like fucking the Latino heat? I put my dick in their ear, Tony. Oh, very good, Joel Berg. How about you, Reese? You know, we just don't pull out as Mexicans.

Whoa! Wow. Wow. I've been really drunk. Wow, so you're into the old Mexican cream pies, huh? I'm old-fashioned, bro. It's called a tres leches. Yeah. There he goes, Reese Muniz. That's Kill Tony Phoenix.

There's a body in my pussy. We did it. Something great. Unbelievable. Fun times. There's a body in my pussy. That was so much fun. Doug Benson, thank you so much for being a guest tonight.

Thanks for having me. Thank you, Phoenix. You guys are awesome. Doug's going to be hanging out a little bit of this weekend. Maybe if you want. Yeah, I'll come by. Hey, let's smoke a bunch of weed together, guys. Come see.

We'll smoke some weed. Yeah, we're all going to. But come see Tony all weekend long, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. At the Tempe Improv, running my brand new Phoenix Never Seen Before Hour that I've been building since my last time here. And it's going to be guest spots from everybody that you see. And maybe even the late shows, if you want to jump in, Doug, or like hang out or do anything, really.

I mean, whatever you want to do. I'll be around, yeah. It's an open invite. I wouldn't call it, you know, want to do. I'll be around, yeah. It's an open invite. I wouldn't call it a guaranteed advertisement that'll be there. Maybe you'll be treated to a surprise. I got some new material. I got this bit about how my kid's

a pussy and cries all the time. For those of you listening to the podcast, we have our five-year anniversary at the Comedy Store on June 18th. Five years! I mean, hey, I'll tell you this. It's not that hard of a drive, you Phoenix fucks. It's going to be a lot

of fun. If you guys are really like, yeah, short flight too, you fucking smug bitch. It's a flight for you. We get it, Mr. Reserve Table in the front. He's doing that thing where you do like All of these.

We have very much working class fans. Not all of our fans are lucky enough to be a part-time cardiologist like you, sir. There they are. The Kill Tony Band made it. They made the try. Jeremiah Watkins, Patty Reagan, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Jeremiah?

I've got a new podcast called Jeremiah Wonders. Check that out. Tate Fletcher is the guest this week. Joel Jimenez is the guest on Monday. Ooh. And we drove here to Phoenix from Los Angeles. We've got a bunch of Reagan & Watkins merch. I've got CDs and inflatable saxophones that will be out front.

We're doing donations only on everything, whatever you guys can do to help out, because Pat and I are recording our debut Reagan & Watkins album next weekend. So studio time is super expensive, so whatever you guys can do, that'd be awesome. Patty Reagan, anything you want to plug this week? Yeah, I just want to tell everybody I'm leaving the podcast starting Monday. And I wanted to work on my own projects. And I'm not getting fired. I don't want to clear up any air there.

But I may be back. And you guys are my family. And I love you guys absolutely and we always have been so thank you so much thanks to all the Kill Tony fans

Pat will still be doing Pat will still be doing for those of you that are by the way congratulations to you Phoenix for getting that breaking news I wasn't even going to break that news tonight

that's breaking news for you yeah but Pat will still be doing audience load in and crowd warm-up and that cool part that, you know, is part of the pre-show, which is always fun because it sets a tone,

and that's a fun tradition that we've always held on to. And Jeremiah and Joel and I believe Chroma Chris are still going to play. And so, yes, you are the first audience to hear that there's going to be a remodeled band come Monday live at the Comedy Store with the Sklar Brothers. That's our special guest. There's a body in what we see. Okay, that's too loud, Brian. I mean, I guess we've just lost all semblances.

I love you guys. Can we get a round of applause in here? Some good energy? All right. The great Patty Reagan. He's been with us for like two years. And I might be back. Yes, of course.

I love you, Pat. Always an open door. Hey, Phoenix, how about you make some noise for the great and powerful Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? Hey, well, I love you guys. This is great, yeah. See you guys soon. Peace out. Have a good night.

I'll be here hanging out. Hell yeah. You heard of the YouTube shooting. He's got the tube sock shooting about to begin at any moment. It's a bigger... Many more deaths are probably going to be... Ally McBeal is like, where's my drumming baby? Dancing baby. I fucked that one up.

No, it's good. I liked it. So yeah, five stand-up shows this weekend. I am absolutely trapped here in Arizona for the next three days. We have a big Airbnb, and we're going to be here. So come see shows at the 10 p.m. You get to see all of us doing stand-up, not kill Tonys, a lot of stuff that we've worked very, very hard on. A lot of people are saying that this could be Tony Hinchcliffe's breakthrough special.

And they also could say Brian is getting a lot of people are saying that this could be Tony Hinchcliffe's breakthrough special. And they're asking to say Brian is getting a lot of weight. Yes. Phoenix, we're all going to hang out. Let's all get drunk and smoke and have a fun Thursday together. Thank you so much for coming out. We love you. Good night, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.