KILL TONY - KILL TONY #260

Episode Date: April 13, 2018

Sklar Brothers, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 04/02/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that's...

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19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check us out at deathsquad.tv. There you have every single episode. Past episodes can be found at deathsquad.tv. You can also see all the video portions of all the shows. Just go to deathsquad.tv.

And if you click on Tour Dates, you can see us live. Not only do we do the World Famous Comedy Store every Monday, but we're all over the place. We're going to Las Vegas. Yes, Kill Tony is going to be in Vegas. We're going to be at the Dive Bar.

It is May 11th, and that's at 7 PM kill Tony. And then at nine o'clock, uh, we're doing a comedy show with all the guys in the band and all that shit. Uh, so that's at the dive bar, May 11th in Vegas. Uh, we're also going to be going to San Francisco, Indiana, a bunch of places. You can check all these dates out. Go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has a website and there he has some other shows

that he's doing like Zany's in Chicago and Wise Guys Comedy Club and the Comedy Connection this weekend. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebel. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the awesome kill Tony book. You could go to his website, Ryan J. Ebel.com and get all that stuff. And last but not least shop squad.tv. There you have the kill Tony shirt.

There's like two left and we got a new kill Tony shirt coming this weekend. So look for that. We also have all the death squad merchandises, uh, merchandises. Uhchandises. We have hats and shirts and mugs. Check it out, shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Coming to you live from the world famous comedy store Main Room

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hansclare. Wow. Hi, everybody. Welcome. Come on. Make some noise here at the number one live podcast in the world. Brian Red Band is here to my left.

We have the great Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. The book's available at ryanjebel.com. We are coming off the entire band. Brian and I are coming off an amazing weekend in Phoenix and Tempe. So much fun. Big pack to our first ever Kill Tony in Phoenix. So much fun. So many wild personalities.

Some amazing moments that you had on stage, man. We had a lot of fun doing stand-up. We are having a lot of fun doing stand-up we are having a lot of fun doing stand-up comedy right now ramping up for my second ever uh special coming soon and i'm doing stand-up again this weekend coming up providence rhode island uh bad news for nashville tennessee unfortunately we are having to reschedule that kill tony for the next weekend because i booked something else crazy, so I had to move that. And then I'm doing stand-up.

Yep, price is wrong for Nashville. Wise guys, I'm doing stand-up with Jeremiah Watkins in Salt Lake City. I'm doing Spokane, Washington with Josh, May 3rd, 4th, and 5th. Josh Martin, producer of the show. Make some noise for Josh, everybody. And then Kill Tony goes to Vegas. Ka-ching, ka-ching. Hell yeah. You got a noise

for that. Fuck yeah, you do. All right. May 11th, Kill Tony goes to Las Vegas for the very first time. And then San Francisco, May 17th, 18th, and San Fran gets its own Kill Tony on the 19th. I do stand-up in Boston, Massachusetts on May 26th

at Boston Calling, a big music festival. And then Kill Tony on August 4th goes to Fort Wayne, Indiana. And then there's a Kill Tony in Lansing on September 20th with a stand-up show, a Kill Tony on the 21st of September in Grand Rapids with a stand-up show, and then Kill Tony September 22nd in Detroit, Michigan with our guest Danny Brown. Kill Tony is

also in Fort Worth, Texas. Back to Dallas we go on the 29th of September. Stand-up comedy on the 27th, 28th, and 29th. And also a Kill Tony on the 29th. Lots of Kill Tonys on the road happening. We've been getting so much fucking support. Every time I go out there I get

nervous you know this show is like a big baby of mine and ours and there's always a part of me that's like what if there's only fucking 20 or 30 people here like this is so weird and every time it's always packed and crazy because I don't ever pay attention to the numbers I don't like to know that shit and then once we get there and come out and everybody

it's a big warm welcome so it's always fun there's people listening to the show that you're at live right now. And this is the part where I talk directly to them. There's a whole room of people staring at me, weird podcast listeners. So that's what's happening with that and other fun stuff. And I also love being home. I come home most Sundays and Mondays. Like today we flew back from Tempe. And when I get home, I like love being home. You know, I come home most Sundays and Mondays. Like today we flew back from Tempe.

And when I get home, I like a good meal. And Blue Apron is relatable and real. You know, it's the type of food that you can have an experience with because you get to cook it yourself. Pre-portioned ingredients come delivered to your door. Nice ice packs. Everything's fresh, delicious. You can cook whatever you want whenever you want. The recipes are clear. It ice packs. Everything's fresh, delicious. You can cook whatever you want, whenever you want. The recipes are clear. It's fun. And all the ingredients are portioned out.

That's the thing I like the most. So you don't just have to like measure like all this stuff. You just throw it in the pan, follow the directions. And if you like the meal, you can like keep this nice recipe card that's like laminated. I actually brought some Blue Apron tonight because I didn't have time to eat. So I packed my lunch for Kill Tony, and it's a cherry chicken. It's delicious. So I can't wait to taste it. And right now, Blue Apron is offering our listeners $30 off your first delivery. Can't really beat that.

When it comes to dinner, let Blue Apron take care of the planning and shopping while you do the cooking and eating. So check out this week's menu and get your $30 off at blueapron.com slash killtony. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. You guys ready to meet tonight's guests? Huh? They are back. It's always fun when we have return guests.

That means the rhythm and everything of the show is always fun. And these guys are truly two of our favorite guests, two of the funniest human beings on the planet. And they are also twin brothers. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Sklar Brothers. Wow. What? They look alike.

Fuck yeah. They're back. The boys are back in town. Sklars and Stripes is out now on audible.com. You can sign up for your 30-day free trial. I absolutely love the idea and the methods behind Scars and Stripes, and I am 100% positive that all the Kill Tony fans will love it too. I agree.

This show is about what I love about this podcast. It's about stand-up. It's about how people write comedy and how you do it. So this project, we went around to 10 cities in one year. First weekend we did was San Diego after the election, so no drama there at all. Nothing was weird there. No Mexicans

afraid they were going to get deported there. And so we did it there, and basically as our country got ripped apart, we went around to Kansas City and Tulsa and Houston, all over, and we gave ourselves a challenge. Plain lands on Thursday. Can we write 10 minutes of comedy that weekend? Documented each city as a chapter.

It's about 35 minutes long, and it's a love letter to comedy. And I love that because it's real. You never know what's going to happen when you're in these cities. Like just last night, for example, there was a 100,000-person – did I say Seattle? I meant Phoenix. In Phoenix, in Tempe yesterday, There was a 100,000 people big country music festival.

That sounds terrible. There was also their gay pride parade. I was like, I hope the parade doesn't go through that country music festival. That will be a beat down. Also in Tempe yesterday, not only was there gay pride, but there was also WrestleMania.

I took part in the gayer of the two. So WrestleMania. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. The Undertaker came back. It reminds me of my childhood. It's unbelievable. The Undertaker was a power bottom. Am I right to say that about the Undertaker?

Yes, absolutely. Wasn't there an 11-year-old Make-A-Wish kid that won one of the... Yeah, he won the tag team championship. I thought his Make-A-Wish was to get body slammed by Triple H. You know, just put the pain away. For those of you that made wishes in Chicago for having more fun with comedy shows, the Sklars just added a third show.

Not only is their podcast sold out, not only did they sell out a stand-up show, but they added a third show at Chicago North Bar, supersklars.com for tickets to that. And Josh, we ready? Yep. The new band is ready. We have a new band here at Kill Tony. How many of you are diehard

Kill Tony fans? I feel it. We have a whole new band for the first time ever. It's a gay country music band. They are still going to keep the name of the Kill Tony band and they are still the best damn band in the land.

I give you your new band leader Jeremiah Watkins along with his band Chroma Chris and Joelberg Joel Jimenez. Ladies and gentlemen every week they do characters of something different and you never know what they're going to be

or do. Wow. Some attitude. Hot topic style. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. They are very punky, hot topic, emo. Wow. They are emos tonight. Yes.

I have not seen a wallet chain like that since I saw the lead singer Smash Mouth when he parked my car right out there. Somebody. They are sponsored by Forever 21, so I know that. Jeremiah looks like if Edward Scissorhands lived on Santa Monica Boulevard. And Tony just looks like he lives on Santa Monica Boulevard Oh, Jesus Christ Battle, battle We have Chroma Chris

Clearly playing the unknown blonde thief from Home Alone Fourth eye blind Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez Who looks like one of the ladies who got her haircut from Edward Scissorhands. Not normally do I get to use two Edward Scissorhands references in the first seven minutes of this show. I'm pretty excited about it.

Remember that when he was just fucking trimming bushes and shit? There's something sexual about it. You guys were all with us in Phoenix and Tempe. We had so much fucking fun. We got to do a crazy kill Tony. You guys did stand-up.

How do you feel being back home in L.A.? A little depressed, Tony. Well, the eye makeup says different. You got offended at that one. Wow, wow. I take that as a compliment. Wow. Oh, wow.

And Joelberg, you were with us. How you doing, bud? Okay. Wow, wow. I take that as a compliment. Wow. Oh, wow. And Joelberg, you were with us. How you doing, bud? Okay. Wow. They are really committed to the emo characters. Do you really want to know how I feel, Tony? Yeah. How do you think

I feel? My best boy left the band. Wait, wait. Say that again. I said my best boy left the band. Wait, wait. Say that again. I said my best friend left the band. Oh, wow. You have no more boy anymore, huh? Just a lone wolf. Wow, very good. You were very faster on the wolf

than you were on the Vegas button, huh? Still waiting for it. Lone wolf with two other bandmates. Sounds good. That's the name of the band now, The Lone Wolf. This isn't even the show. We could sit up here and riff with this depressed-ass band all night, but

we have a whole bucket filled with comedians' names. They all have a chance to do 60 seconds on stage. Sometimes it's somebody's first time ever doing stand-up. Sometimes it's somebody that's been doing it 20 years in Tulsa and they finally made it to the big time. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound

of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You guys ready for this shit? It's Kill Tony live from the main room of the Comedy Store. Darkness comes over the room as my hand goes into Ichabod's bucket

of destiny. Oh, remember the five-year anniversary is also June 18th. That reminded me because I thought of Ichabod. And Ichabod obviously will be at the Vegas May 11th Kill Tony because he lives in Vegas. For those of you that haven't followed Ichabod on Instagram yet, I highly recommend you do it.

He posts pictures of what he's eating, and it is not healthy at all. Can't imagine it. Just human blood. His most recent post was, normally I don't have money for seafood, but on the first Friday of the month, sometimes I treat myself. Hashtag fish stick Friday. And it was frozen fish sticks. That's not seafood. That's splurging.

I know. That's the part that I don't get is like how is it splurging if it's frozen fish sticks? All right. I believe this young lady has been on this show before. Let's welcome her back.

Put your hands together for Isabella Charlton. Here she comes. Here she comes. Here she comes. Keep it going. There you go. I had to put my dog down. I was carrying her and she was heavy.

Also, she needed to die. No. I recently got a dog, and I have to say the advantages of getting a dog, if someone comes to your apartment and they find a bag of shit, you can say it's your dog's. I hate picking sides. Right now there's this whole Me Too

versus Let the Rape Continue movement. It's such a head fuck, I'm just not going to pick. I have this fear that someone will break into my apartment, stand over my bed, and say, Nah. Nah. and say, nah.

Is that a minute? Oh, I got more. There you go. Isabella Charlton. Way to finish strong. Fuck yeah. Fun set. This is your third,

fourth time on the show, something like that? Third, yeah. Yep. You're from England? Yeah. London? Oh, fourth time on the show, something like that? Third, yeah. Yep. You're from England? Yeah. London? Oh, we talked about I grew up in Hong Kong?

Say that again? I grew up in Hong Kong. Oh, Hong Kong. That is a Hong Kong accent. Thank you. I was detecting an English province somewhere else. I was going to say Zhangji, but I like it. She's from Hong Kong, England. I was going to say Chinese Taipei, but whatever.

That was great. Yeah, that was fun. Probably the best of the sets that you've had here. Just all jokes hit. Fun times. Except for the first joke. You can lose that. I mean, Jay Leno would have said that joke.

Oh, jeez. We thought it was adorable. Come on. Oh, my dog's heavy, so I put it down. I'd never seen it before, so it was a misdirect. I didn't know what your comedy was like, and I liked that you went to a place where you're crafting. These are legitimate

jokes. I thought that was really good. The Me Too stuff was your best. I would have loved to see you sort of bring that back with a person who stands over your bed and says, mm-mm, and you're like, what about Me Too? Yeah, hashtag Me Too. How long have you been in L.A. now? I think it's about two and a half years.

Thank you very much. About two and a half years. How long have you been on stand-up? Probably like almost three now. Three years. So were you doing it in, where were you before, right before you came here? Hong Kong? Beijing.

You were doing it in Beijing? Knew it. I was doing like a Chinese version called Crosstalk. Wow. Chinese version. They like to lay their dogs down to in a bowl of soup. Yeah Because they're too heavy you put them in a bowl of soup and then I used to work is that an English accent? Is that an English accent?

Yeah, that's my London accent. That's fucking perfect. I used to work with these rescues that would stop these huge vans of dogs being taken for food. And they would stop them. And we'd have to try and rehome thousands of dogs. I'd like you to talk about that. Yeah, that's fucking cool. I'd like to hear that in some of the comments. How are you?

This is going to be a weird question, but how are you funny around your friends? Just out of curiosity. Do you make your friends laugh? First of all, Randy, you're assuming she has friends. Yes. No, how are you funny around your friends? Are you? Just like awkward, I guess.

You're awkward. Yeah. Okay, that came off on stage in a good way. I think it's in a great way. You do a lot of comedy spots at night, right? You're hustling a lot. I'm trying. Do a lot of comedians hit on you a lot?

That seems like that'd you a lot? No. Really? I don't think that's ever happened. What the fuck? A comedian's never hit on you? What Christian community home do you do your comedy spots at? Hey, hey. Oh, God.

Are you depressed? No. Would you like to be? No. That's not the way to go about it. That's not a pickup line at all. Wow. You just foretold a terrible six

months right there. Do you have a boyfriend? Yeah. How long have you been with him? A year. Oh, wow. I have scars older than that. Where did you meet him at? Is he a comedian too? No, Bumble. He's just like a finance guy. Wow, finance guy.

Fine arts. Fine arts or fine ants? Finance. Fine arts. For one pair. I keep saying the opposite of what you're saying. He works with fire ants. He's fire ants.

Oh, he's a fire ant. He uses fire ants in fine arts and he finances his own projects. What the fuck? Why am I suddenly a bad guy? How did everyone miss that? I'm not dating her. Fine Arts?

Fine Arts. Fine Ants. Fine Ants. I think it's Fine Ants. Fire Ants? He looks at Ants and he's like, damn, you're fine. We already made that joke. What show do you listen to back then?

Are you the uncle of the relationship? The uncle? Yeah. What does that mean? Oh, geez, man. Wow. All right. Digging a deeper hole. I thought The Undertaker was yesterday. Jesus Christ. Yikes. Isabella, so anything

fun that you do here in LA? Like when you just want to hang out and not do stand-up? I have a husky, and she's shedding, and I like to pull tufts of her hair up. Yeah, that's... And then you completely redeem yourself. And again, after that story, nobody wanted to date you?

No. That's shocking. Weird. Wow. So then you just throw them in the trash can? No, our house is just full of tufts of appetizers in China. Did you say our house? Yeah.

How many people do you live with? The finance guy? Boyfriend. Wow. It's the finance guy. So it's his house. I love that you called the finance guy's house our house. No, it's my apartment.

He moved in. He moved into your apartment? How shitty is he at finance? My God. How fast did this house just turn into an apartment? Does he work for Toys R Us? He only got the job in finance like six months ago. He didn't have a lot.

It's hard to make money for six months in finance. He works for Madoff Industries. I understand. I get it. He might as well just be in fine arts with as much money as he's made. Does he think you're funny? No. He doesn't? Talk about that. Is he mean to you? Oh, yeah.

What's some mean things that he does to you sometimes? He said today, you need to learn your fucking social security number. He's right about that. He's right. What the fuck? I would tell my wife the same fucking thing. That's a great point. That's a great point. He couldn right. It's actually... What the fuck? I would tell my wife the same fucking thing. That's a great point.

That's a great point. He couldn't have said that in a meaner way. I know. You have to learn your fucking... And he said it in front of the bank teller when we were setting up a joint account. The black teller? The bank teller.

Oh, you're setting up a joint account? Yeah. Okay, this is... Let me tell you to not do that. Don't do that if he's going to talk to you that way. Speaking of joint accounts, LA Speedweed right now is a word shuffle puffer. For $15 off your next

cannabis order. Have you got a life? You freaking sellout! Wow. On a weed ad. Your new band leader Jeremiah Watkins is here. By the way, Jeremiah had no problem with the blue apron read. Really upset

about the speed weed plug. Have you got a life insurance policy recently? Have you signed up for one? Yeah, he did it through his work. Are you serious? He's going to murder you. No, no, no. Because I didn't have the health check, so he only gets 20 grand if I die.

I get 500 grand if he dies. Wow. So let's start planning his murder here and your next three minutes. What if I kill myself right now? No. How much? That's...

How much would we celebrate? How much? I don't think you understand how life insurance works. All right, so you're in this relationship that sounds like it might be a little bit, it's definitely abusive. It sounds horrifying. Let me ask you another question. You're being railroaded into a joint account. If you don't know your social security number, that's just un-American.

So what else has he been mean to you about? Can you give us one more example? Of him just belittling you? I imagine that he's like 58. Am I wrong? No, no, he's like 37. He says, a lot of time when I make a joke, he says, classic Isabella. Oh, geez.

By the way, if this was your dad, I'd be like, leave him. Get out. Get out. If your life was a romantic comedy, he's the shithead you're with before you meet the good guy. What is going on? He can't treat you like this. You've got to be talking about him on stage. No, I do.

I have no jokes about him. All right, good. Isabella, you had your best set that we've ever seen you have here tonight. Very fun in the interview. You answer the questions honestly and directly and that was fucking awesome. There she is kicking off the show, Isabella Charlton. We go back to the bucket.

We gotta keep it moving. Hey, man. You know, and tomorrow when you guys pick out funeral plots, that's gonna be really fun. Know your social security number. You got to know your fucking social security. You got to know or you want to fucking die, Isabella. This looks like an interesting name. I think I'd remember

this if it was on here before. Put your hands together for Streeter Kelly. Streeter Kelly. Here we go. Movement from the back right. Here he comes. Come on. Come on. All the way. Keep going. You got it. Streeter Kelly, ladies and gentlemen. Come on.

There's been an ongoing debate on whether you should stand up or sit down while peeing on the toilet. I pee laying down. People may make fun of me for being a bed wetter, but I think it's the most manly way to pee. You know, because you mark your territory with a nice round yellow ring. Here's another debate. Should you throw up in a toilet or in a bag? I throw up in my Uber. If I feel like I've had a hard night of partying, I just order an Uber. There's no better way to mark your territory and show you had a great night partying than throw up in some poor man's Uber.

He's probably an immigrant, too. There's no better way to say welcome to America than to say enjoy your first car wash. This one's on me. Streeter Kelly. All right. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Were you a teenage skateboarder?

Like, that's what that name says to me. Like, teenage skateboarder? That's what that name says to me. Somebody just said that for the first time the other day. I don't know if he was ever a skater, but I was definitely bored of his ass. I was waiting for it to ramp up at any point. Like a skateboarder, he couldn't pull off any of his tricks. You weren't very likable on stage, man.

And that's one thing that you really need to try to be. And that's coming from Brian Redman. It's coming from Redman. Seriously. You're talking about puking in some guy's Uber. You're talking about immigrants. Like, how much hateable can you be? There was barely any punchlines.

You pretty much admitted to peeing the bed and being a piece of shit human. I mean, listen. That's it. Listen, at least he wore pants. Oh, no. Oh's it. Listen, at least he wore pants. So that's... Oh, no. Oh, wait. Shit.

You're making fun of me for wearing shorts? To me, this is what Jeremiah would look like if he got a ton of face surgery. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Yes, Jeremiah?

Okay. Thank? Okay Thank you Thank you These aren't questions So why are you wearing shorts? I don't know, you can't do this if you're wearing pants Because I microwaved my shoes and my legs were hot Look hot Everybody's checking me out

How long have you been doing stand-up? Well, I'm back now. This is my second week being back. Thank God. Wow. I mean, he says he's back like he's Dave Chappelle. Well, you know, I'm back. After you went to Africa for like a year.

He went to his farm in Ohio for 12 years. You just hate it when people are yelling out your punchlines at your shows. I get it. I know, yeah. So you're back, thank God. Yeah. The return. Yeah. The return of the hack. I was doing it. I know. Yeah. So you're back. Thank God. Yeah. The return. Yeah.

The return of the hack. I was doing it for six weeks straight when I first moved out here. Oh, I thought you had returned at the Mac. I was going to lose my fucking mind. All right. I was like, how the fuck? So you did it for six weeks and then you. When I moved out here in September.

And then you stopped. Yeah. There's some disruptions. Okay. So disruptions. Okay, so... Disruptions? Those are called psychological problems. We've had some disruptions. There aren't disruptions in the force.

That's not why you stopped. You say disruptions, I say voices in your head. Streeter. What do you do for work? I do Uber driving. Are you? Now we know why you puke in your Uber. Very good.

Okay. So puke in an Uber, if you present that thing and then just say that it's your Uber that you're puking in, the one that you drive, a little bit better. I puke in an Uber because I drive for Uber. See, all of your jokes were missing that. That last part that's supposed to be the boom of everything. Yeah. You were like a firework if it was only the fuse.

Right. Then it goes out and you're like, what happened? It's like, no, that was the firework. That was it. That cool fuse thing that just happened was the firework. But it speaks to you not being connected to your material. You got to be connected to what you're doing. Obviously have it be about you.

Right? It's not about me. No, no, no, no, you're doing. Obviously have it be about you. It should, right? It's not about me. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think you understand. It's not about you and it should be about you. That's what he just said. That was professional advice from a professional. Why would you say it's not about you? It's about more the idea of

me. I don't know. Yeah, but like if you're gonna if people are gonna know who you are. Yes. Thank you. Again, that's another voice in his head, but if people are going to know who you are... Yes. Thank you. Again, that's another voice in his head. But if people are going to know who you are, it has to be about you. You have to form your own voice. Have you ever puked in your Uber?

I puked in my car, but not in my Uber, no. Wait, what's... He's got decorum. What do you Uber around in if you puked in your car and not your Uber? He has his Uber car and his car car. He's doing very well. Of course. Is that right? He gets me.

I get him. Sure. All right. I don't know. Nobody gets me. All right. Jeez. Boo.

And you like it that way. Is that the Taco Bell going on that keeps going on? Just got hungry for carnitas. Streeter. Okay. Who do you like? What comedians do you like and want to model yourself after or have liked growing up? Andy Kaufman.

Yeah. Andy Kaufman or Andy Kaufman? Kaufman. They say Kaufman. Kaufman? I don't know. Yeah. Andy Kaufman. Yeah.

Because he was unpredictable. Yeah. I like him. Okay. He does what I do. I don't know. Yeah, Andy Kaufman because he was unpredictable. Yeah, I like him. He does what I do. I don't know. What? What did he just say? First of all, number one, he's dead so he doesn't do anything anymore. He does what you do?

What the fuck are you talking about, man? If you're talking about breathing then yes, he did that for a while. But he's not even doing that anymore. Are you not smart enough to see that he just killed up here? Killed the room. Okay, so you puked in your car. What were you doing that you would puke in your car and not open the door and puke on the outside of the car?

I don't know. It just happened. What do you mean you don't know it just happened? That's not a thing. Were you on the freeway? When I used to work out, I would throw up after working out. It seems like it's been a long time since that happened. Why would you throw up after working out? Well, when I work out, like right after I wake up,

for some reason I always get sick. But you would eat before you worked out, right? Right. Yeah, that's really, really stupid. sick. But you would eat before you worked out, right? Right. Yeah, that's really, really stupid. Yeah. That's not how you do it. Hey, remember at the beginning of this when I said you should make your... It's unbelievable.

Like, you're a special case. I pull a lot of names out of this bucket, but you're, like, completely oblivious. You're a special kind of... I mean, I like it. It's almost promising. So let's get back to it because when you say you came back, I feel like this might be your second time on stage and you had it one

time, some other time, and you're calling this the comeback. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy or how many times? I probably performed maybe 200 times. 200 times? 200 times. In front of people. This is the first time doing this act, actually. I just wrote it today and was like

Well this one might work It might not Might being the operative word What was your act like before? Well I do, I have like a lot of Props? Props yes That wouldn't work here

What kind of props do you have? Well I don't want to give it away, they're surprise props Do you have a knife? Maybe, I don't want to give it away. They're surprise props. Do you have a knife? Maybe. I don't know. Scissor hands. Getting choppy. Getting choppy.

So you admitted that you puked in your car. You did technically puke in an Uber. I get it. Have you ever actually peed the bed? Yes. How long? Recently? No.

I don't think so. Before or after one of your many workouts? Maybe. Tony. Yes. I wish I could put this man on the moon. If you believe. If you believe.

If you believe. Is your name really Streeter Kelly? Yeah, it is. It's Tony Clifton. Streeter Kelly? Yeah, it is. For some reason, I got the name. It's Tony Clifton. Streeter Kelly is the name of the bad guy in the Karate Kid movie that didn't get made.

Yeah. How old are you? What do you think? Old enough. How old are you? Old enough to know better. Can you guess? Are you a girl? No, I think you're 27 years old. That's a good guess. Okay, are you going to tell us how old you are, you fucking twat?

Come on, how old are you? Jesus Christ, it's a fucking live show, you dumbass. I mean, I really said from the beginning this guy's a box of rocks, and I mean it. I am not old. This guy gives you the right to hate white men. He gives you that right. Don't think of us as girls you're trying to drug and rape. We're trying to give you advice.

So how old are you? How old are you? Somewhere between. No, no, no. No, no, no. Absolutely not. Why do you guys care about my age? Because it's just... Why do you care about your age?

Jesus Christ, you're a grown adult, man. You know why we care about your age? Because we don't care about your comedy. All right? We have to move on to other subjects. How old are you? Just leave him alone already. He's feeling pain on the inside.

All right. All right. All right. All right. Fair enough. I'm feeling pain on the inside. All right. All right. All right. All right. Fair enough. You guys may hate me, but I really like you. I don't hate you at all. I just am trying to find out who you are so we can help you.

Why did this become the scene from Good Will Hunting? I'm not going to hug you and say it's not your fault. I never said that I hate you. I called you a box of rocks, a dumbass, a lot of other shit, but I never used the words hate. Hate is such a strong word. Hate is a strong word, but I really, really, really don't like you. Yeah.

Very good. Very good. All right. Hate is a word you reserve for immigrants. All right, so let's get. He said it. It's his joke. Right. All right. Hate is a word you reserve for immigrants. All right. So let's get. He said it. It's his joke. Right.

All right. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up and driving Uber? I would say he didn't do stand up tonight. You have any hobbies or anything like that? Hobbies. Hobbies. Anything at all will do. I kite board.

You kite board. You kiteboard? You kiteboard? That's cool. That's so white. No, it's not, Redman. It's as white as it gets. Kiteboard? So you fly a kite while skateboarding? On the water. It's basically like a sailboat

on a surfboard. I think it's cool. Kiteboarding? That's fucking horrible. What do your kiteboarding friends think about your stand-up? I haven't made any new kiteboarding friends out here. Back East. What do they think about your stand-up? I don't know if they know my stand-up. Oh, so you haven't done it.

This is a secret stand-up. It's been a secret to us. I think you should keep it a secret. Let's not let this one out of the bag. Let's keep it between you and the ocean. All right, Streeter, we spent a lot of time with you. I could spend another half hour with you breaking your fucking crazy ass down, but I'm going to keep it moving.

There he goes, Streeter Kelly, ladies and gentlemen. Streeter, come back again sometime. Sign up again. There you go. Creepy wave from Streeter Kelly. A very creepy wave. His hand dislocated from his wrist on that wave for some reason. Why did you tell him to come back, man?

I want to find out more. I have like 300 more questions for that guy. I'm going to come home tonight and he's going to be rocking one of my kids to sleep. I'll be like, what the fuck? What the fuck? Streeter, put your pants on. All right. This seems like this isn't even going to be here.

This seems too good to be true. This person's definitely never been pulled out of the bucket. I would remember. I love one word names. Here we go. It's go. Please, for the love of God, here he comes. We have movement.

It's go. Oh, no, it's not It's somebody going to the bathroom, alright Looks like he went Blacklisted, we win That is a no go Alright Do not pass go

How about William Chang More appropriate Excellent No movement Not racist at all And when he played the song for that More appropriate. Excellent. No movement. Not racist at all. No movement. And when he played the song for that, it was somehow racist.

How about Sam? Yes, it was. How about Sam Skolnick? Sam Skolnick. Sam Skolnick. Here we go. This is, it is on like Donkey Kong with the guitar. Holy shit.

It's Sam Skolnick, ladies and gentlemen. Can I boo now? What's up? So people, you know, they usually kind of tell me that I look like different celebrities. I've gotten, you know, young Robert Downey Jr., you know, Jake Gyllenhaal, you know, but I got Marc Maron one time, and then I got Steve Buscemi, and then I was like, oh, I just look like every white guy with brown hair, you know? I guess you don't think so? Goddamn. Okay. Fuck. So this is gonna be a song about my childhood. I feel like every artist has, you know, something that happened in their childhood. So we're all artists up here today. So this is gonna be about my childhood. All right. Two, three.

Ah. Ah. One, two, three. Ah. Ah. What? It really wasn't that hard. Thank you. Wow.

Sam Skolnick. This is a special night. A special Olympic night. Shit. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a guy This is a special night, a special Olympic night. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a guy that doesn't know what he's doing? Let me add to that, with brown hair. What did you want to happen when you said that? Did you want the whole audience to go, yes? Or what were you thinking in your head?

Yeah, I mean, that's pretty much it. You thought the Marc Maron part was going to get like a big what? No, the Marc Maron part was kind of like the turn, you know? The turn. Where they turn against you? Where we all turn against you?

The only thing Marc Maron about you, I was like, what the fuck? Joel Burke. Joel Burke. Joel Burke. Sam, how long have you been in stand-up? A little over three years. A little over three years. Wow! We are back and running.

We had a little bit of a rough episode last week, and all of a sudden we are back in the high life again, aren't we? What did I just whisper to you, Tony? I never thought I'd miss Streeter. Oh, shit. I whispered to Tony, I was like, this is definitely his first time on stage. Yeah, it's definitely not.

You, by the way, don't look like any of those fucking people at all. Yeah. And no one's ever told you. Yeah. Yeah, and so. And no one's ever told you that you did either. You know this. Where are you from? I'm from Northern California. Northern California.

What part? North of San Francisco at Sonoma County. Do a lot of people say you look like you're from Napa? Sam, what do you do for work? I walk dogs and work at an acai place. Wow. Okay. Fucking California kid.

How old are you? I'm 23. 23. Why did you want to get into stand-up? I just, I always liked stand-up since I was in high school. And then I just got into it after college. How much of your stand-up is with the guitar and how much is without it? I have about half and half.

I do some longer songs and then I do, like, some regular. Longer than what you did tonight? I certainly fucking hope so, Sam. That was epic. You started a song 58 seconds into your set. I have a legitimate question. Do you know how to play the guitar? I do.

I just, I got thrown off. Because we couldn't tell tonight. I got thrown off by the strap, man. What about the strap? The strap fell off. Yeah. Oh, man. And I got thrown off.

The strap fell off of your set tonight, my friend. It really did. It really did. It should have strapped on. Oh. So, all right. So you're from Northern California. You're kind of a California dude.

That did not come out in your set at all. How California are you, though? Have you ever gone kiteboarding? No, I've never gone kiteboarding. You've never gone kiteboarding? Where'd you choose? Beverly Hills. That's where you hang to choose.

Another guy wearing shorts tonight. Yeah, what the fuck? Is that the same pair of shorts that straighter had on? Does no one have respect for the stage Look, I messed up. I know it's 98 degrees today, but you could wear all right, so I think eight degrees He means you had bad music, too Yeah That got a high five

Yeah Wearing wearing shorts on stage for the new comics is one of the most looked down upon things in the room. It just, not that you have to dress up. You really don't have to dress up. You just have to have a look, not look like you just came off. And it should be, all of it should be connected to who you are,

I really feel like. But I didn't get a sense of who you were at all. What do you do for fun? I can tell you have some fun stuff that you do. You walk dogs. You work at an acai place. You got to do something to take the stress off. You bomb on stage.

What else? What else? I like going to movies a lot. It's a winner. It's a winner. Who do you go to movies with? My friends. Did you say sweeter?

Streeter. Streeter. No, my friends, my girlfriend. Where did you make friends at in Los Angeles since being here? How long have you been in LA? I've been in LA since June. So the plan was move down here, try and make it in comedy.

Or try and make it in dog walking. Dog walking. Where have you made your friends at? I went to school in San Diego. A lot of them moved up here. Cool. All right, so you are deeply, deeply California. Your girlfriend, what's her deal? Is she in finance?

Wait, you have a girlfriend? How does everybody have a girlfriend but me? Yeah, my God. I think you're not intense enough. All right, so what's your girlfriend like? Is she cool? Yeah, she's cool. Is she in finance? Yeah, I bet she is. All right, God, girlfriend like? Is she cool? Yeah, she's cool Is she in finance?

Yeah, I bet she is Alright, God Wow What does she do? She actually works at the same acai bowl shop that I do Oh Wow Because the couple that bowls together

Yeah Stay together You bet Wow Don't you guys go together like berries and granola? You guys met at the acai place You ever hook up at the acai place? No, but we actually met in New York

I lived in New York for two years Oh, somebody doesn't want to get fired from the acai place I lived in hell every day Oh Oh, Jesus I'm so sorry Did we open a wound on you, Jeremiah? Are you alright?

Sometimes I wish I was my own shadow Whoa What does that mean? Who are you, Jeremiah? Are you alright? Sometimes. I wish I was my own shadow. Whoa. What does that mean? Who are you, Streeter? Jesus Christ. I didn't understand any of that. Sam, do you have any pets of your own? No. I don't

really plan on it anytime soon. You don't plan on it? I love it. Are you gonna get your girlfriend pregnant with a pet? We're not really planning on it. How about fears? What scares you, Sam? It's a great question. Bombing, definitely.

Were you afraid tonight or not? I was about halfway through the first joke. You've got to come up with a good first joke. That's number one. It's got to be quicker than 56 seconds. You're still halfway through your first joke right now. You know that, right?

Serious question. Were you in the movie Weird Science? Oh, God. Wyatt? He looks like Wyatt. That's who you look like. Okay. Wow.

Don't help him out on that. Come on. All right, Sam. I would say dig into yourself a little bit more. I dig into myself every day. Alright. Put the mic in the mic.

Don't cut yourself. We're not talking about self-cutting. This guy's out of control. He's supposed to be a comedy show. So sad tonight. Yeah, Jesus. God damn it. Wow.

Sam, any other fun facts about you? Like anything else you'd find interesting? Like if you were going to write the book about Sam Skolnick, you know, I don't think dog walking and acai bowling are going to do it. So like, you know, another fun fact about you. What we're getting at is you've got to say something. First of all, you obviously changed your name for Hollywood. Yes. We get that. name for Hollywood. Yes. We get that.

Skull next. Okay. So what else? Like what is inside of you? What do you give a shit about? Yeah. Are your parents weird? They do anything weird for a living?

My parents, they were like just like super nice, but also like overbearing. You know what I mean? What do they do? Your dad's a dentist. He worked in finance. Oh. Yeah. Is he 37? When you say he worked in finance. He worked in finance. Oh. Yeah. Is he 37?

When you say he worked in finance. He works in finance. Oh, he still does. And mom stays at home? Yeah. How many brothers and sisters do you have? I got two sisters. You're the youngest?

I'm the middle. Are they? It's okay. Middle child. That's cool. That's interesting. Are they happy that you're doing comedy or they're like, what the fuck are you doing? No, they're down.

They're down with it. My dad likes comedy a lot. He keeps telling me how he wants to do it. He keeps telling me how he's so good in the shower. But, you know. In the shower? Wow. So good.

Okay. And that has nothing to do with comedy. He says in the shower. He's just good in the shower. Was he combing your hair when he said that? Who says I'm fucking killing this shower right now? I'm just, I'm straight ripping it. I've heard him singing in the shower.

I've never really heard of comedy in the shower before. I've been doing it almost 11 years, and I shower every day. I've never thought of it once. I mean, the rain could feel like just a steady applause break. Yeah, it's like performing. You just pretend like you're performing at Bonnaroo on a rainy festival day. Any soap here from out of town? So good to be here at Woodstock. Are you guys ready

for some fucking jokes? If you perform in the shower, your career goes down the drain. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wow. Holy shit. That makes up for the haircut.

By the way, how do you and Joel Berg have the same haircut, Sam? All right, lost everybody there. That's for the podcast listeners. Do you ever think about how your dad wishes he did stand up and you do stand up? So in a way, you're a reflection of his own mortality. Every time you die on stage, he dies a little bit. Got a laugh out of you.

See, think about that on those lines. In other words, get personal with your own shit. Weirdest thing that's ever happened to you when you're walking somebody else's dog. Anything stand out to you there? I had to pull shit out of a dog one time.

Wait a second. How did you know there was shit in there? You did not have to do that. The only way you would have had to have had to do that is if you're the one that shoved the shit in the dog. Oh, no, no, no. It's not supposed to go in there. Let me get it out.

Wow. When you pulled it out, no. It's not supposed to go in there. Let me get it out. Wow. When you pulled it out, did you use a baggie? Yeah. How did you know that you had to pull shit out? It was about 30 seconds into him trying to take a shit

and being halfway successful with it. Oh, my God. That felt like your set tonight. 30 seconds. Was there a little cat? We're trying right now to pull this shit out of you. And it's really, really, really hard. So you tried to pull it out.

At the part where you're like at the 30 seconds when you're like, that's where I draw the line. Did you hear the meow of the kitty? When you pulled it out, did you wrap it in? I would have wrapped it in something and then gone right to the front and said, it's a kitty. When you pulled it out, did you wrap it in, I would have wrapped it in something and then gone right to the front and said, it's a boy. Why 30 seconds? Why was that the line? And did you count it off like a boxing

referee? You know, I didn't count it off, but I worked for WAG. I got a set amount of time that I have to walk these dogs. So I'm just trying to get it on the road. I'm talking to the dog. Wag is like the Uber of dog walking? Yeah, it's on-demand

dog walking. Oh yeah, well, maybe one day you'll go from wag to sag. Who knows? That's the book he writes. Wag to sag. Pulling the shit out of Hollywood. Wag to sag. How a dog walker in shorts became a guitar phenomenon.

Strap in for this one. All right. There he is. Sam Skolnick, ladies and gentlemen. Little 23-year-old. Not afraid to say his age. Yeah. Streeter, take that.

Did not hesitate when I asked his age. I call him Joke Johnson. I would say that he was pretty leashed up there. Maybe that's what he'll start on. Comics Unleashed. Byron Allen's Comics Unleashed. Dogs Unleashed. You know, too many comics are leashed

on TV. I love it when they just take the leashes off and let them be themselves, for Christ's sake. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Drake Nelson. Here here we go i see movement i'm fucking excited about this hey hey hey hey drake nelson ladies and gentlemen come on hi everybody my name is drake nelson drake is my real name people ask me all Drake Nelson. Drake is my real name. People ask me all the time if that's my real name.

They get me confused with that rapper guy, Drake. And as a black man, I find that offensive. I'm from Reno, Nevada. Clap your hands if you've been to Reno, Nevada. Anybody? Right? Reno, as I like to call it, the retarded Vegas. I describe Reno like this. It's just like Las Vegas, except less fun, more street drugs. So if methamphetamine's your thing, that might be the place for you.

I like dogs. I don't have a dog, so sometimes I gotta go to the dog park. It always gets a little weird, though, when someone asks me which one is mine. I'm like, I don't have a dog. I just like to watch. Makes me sound like some type of creepy dog pedophile or something. All right. Wow. All right.

Thanks a lot. Yeah. Okay. Drake Nelson. Drake Nelson. Clearly fresh off of trying the blue candy at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. You're turning violet, violet. You look like Ralphie May, June, and July.

Oh. May. May, June, and July. Oh! May. I was going to say, you are a rapper, but it's a candy wrapper. Wow.

Drake, you look like you ate all the coffee cakes. I'm looking over at you, and I was like, wait. There were like three people in the room. That was good. Wasn't it cloudy today? All right. With a chance of meatballs. And here we go. That's every day for Drake Nelson, the weather report.

I'm going to start off with a compliment. Yeah, me too. You're one of the funniest lesbians we've ever had on the show. Go on. I'm sorry. You and your life partner will be very happy. I actually really liked your presence on stage. I think you clearly need to write jokes,

but your stuff about Reno was just spot on. Yeah, there are a lot of street drugs in Reno. I mean, there's nothing funny about that, but if you can twist it and make it into something funny, your presence up there, the way you commanded the stage, commanded the room, even when you didn't get a joke, you made a look and got a laugh on that.

I think the creepy I hang out at the dog park and that's funny. I would go deeper and say like for me, you know, something like if I start hanging out at playgrounds, you know, just to watch the kids play. That's when I have to stop myself. Something like, you know what I mean? Like you can go further with that joke. Or you followed like two dogs home. Like something like really go like, was that weird?

Yeah, I just watched them sleep under a window. Is that strange? You're upskirting the dogs at the park. Yeah, exactly. And maybe it's like you're into dogs and you go to the dog park because you like to connect with the dog without the whole walking thing. You know what I mean?

Just want something non-committal. You're trying your own version of dog Tinder. Jeremiah? You pull poop out of dog's butt. Oh, no. You put poop in dog's butt. I feel like dogs have helped pull poop out of Drake's butt before. They've definitely watched.

Drake, I love your style. You look like you just ate a Best Buy. Or you are the entire geek squad. Where are you from, Drake? Reno. Reno, Nevada. How long have you been in LA? About a year and a half. That's interesting that you're from Reno because you're one of

the biggest little comedians I've ever seen in my life. I'm proud of myself for that one. That was nice. Called the biggest little city, you sons of bitches, for those of you that fell behind in that one. It's a great Reno joke. When in Reno, you can make a joke like that. That's right.

How long have you been in L.A.? A year and a half. A year and a half. How long were you doing stand-up in Reno before? About five years. Five years. How's the scene in Reno? Is it good?

Shitty. Yeah. You doing casinos and stuff up there? Yeah, I was lucky. I used to manage the Catch Rising Star, which is now the Laugh Factory. So you were able to just get up whenever you wanted up there. Yeah, it's like six days a week. All right, so that definitely explains you have good presence on stage.

That's always a great first step. But now it's, again again about finding your own voice. What was funny about living in Reno? Did you live in a trailer park? I'm assuming that's pretty much everything there is up in Reno. I get the feeling you've never done much kiteboarding before.

Does not interest me at all. What part of town do you live in? He's done some cakeboarding. What part of town do you live in? He's done some cake boarding. What part of town do you live in? I'm in Orange County, actually, close to Michigan. Wow, Orange County. You came all the way up here for that? Favorite flavor of sherbet as well.

It's the only fruit he knows. Sorry, I didn't mean to stop you. You live in Orange County. You want to be doing this. Are you in a relationship? No. Single? Single. No. Single. Single.

Are you on any dating apps or anything like that? I do the Tinder thing, yeah. Yeah, sweet. Fat people don't do well on Tinder. Really? Yeah. Why is that? Why do you think that is?

I think I might have fucked up with the picture because I'm so fat. Use somebody else's. There's no eyes. It's just torso, double chin. If you catfish somebody, would that be called killer whaling? Yeah, that's it. It'd be called blackfishing. That's a CNN documentary about a killer whale.

That is a joke. Oh my God, that's incredible. That was fantastic, Randy. Wow. Black fishing. You gotta use that, dude. Do something with that shit. You may use that joke. So,

dating's hard. Dating's hard for you. Or is it hard? Just the Tinder apps. I just don't have the time, really, so I'm hard. Dating's hard for you. Or is it hard? Just the Tinder apps. I just don't have the time, really, so I'm just honest with girls on Tinder. When you say you don't have the time, you mean left in life? All right, Shrake.

I know I'm going hard on you, buddy. I know I'm going hard. You're doing a good job. He's laughing at all this. He's laughing at all of it. You have a great sport. But again, you have a great spirit. I said a great sport, not great at sports.

No, he's a great sport. He does not have the build to be great at sports. But you have a great spirit. This is like all... I said a great sport, not great at sports. No, he's a great sport. He does not have the build to be great at sports. But you have a great spirit. I think it comes out in a lot of ways. You're very likable. Yeah, there's something about you that's very like old country buffet. All right, I've had enough about you dumb jocks making fun of this guy right here. All right.

What's... All right. Wow. Have you been on weight loss All right. All right. Wow. Have you been on weight loss programs or no? No. No. Your attitude is fuck life. Fuck it.

And I'm just going to eat whatever I want whenever I want. Yeah, pretty much. Okay. So most people, especially down in L.A., trying to lose weight, even if they look really super thin. So that's an interesting attitude. I have not heard that attitude of like, fuck it. I don't want your shit. You look like you love gluten.

You look like you order extra gluten. Can I have more gluten, please? Take whatever gluten you guys don't want, put it on my shit. Hell yeah. Why the earring? This is just some shit from my 20s that like, it's just I don't know if you guys can see. I got my ears stretched.

And it's just too late to do anything with it. Why? What are you talking about? Well, they're too big. If I take these out, they look like little assholes on my head. Right. That's your best laugh. That's your best laugh of the night.

A mistake you made in your 20s. Yes. Your ears and your waistline are stretched. Wow. That was a low blow. A low blow. Not cool, man. Low but low?

We have been respectful to him from the beginning. Yes. And then all of a sudden, you have to take a cheap shot. Coming from the back, taking a shot. Fuck you. Come on. The thing with the earrings was funny because it was real. The first joke you did, the whole misdirection of I'm black you know from the jerk night you know it's

Steve Martin the jerk like that's no one's everyone knows that's not real so that they immediately do not like that you know but you talk about your ear that's real you know so people are going to like that does that make sense like sure like that bullshit like I'm a black person like that's so bullshit you came up and said I feel like an asshole Because I got these in my ear I can't take them out I got them in my 20s I'm a black person on the inside

Oh No you're a black hole Alright anyway So You know what I mean Go into that And say I feel like an asshole

But if I take these out It looks like I have two assholes I asked you what you do for a living No What is it This is it Just that I You're a full time stand up

Yeah And I stream to Twitch. Okay. Yeah, make some money doing that. What do you tend to play when you're on Twitch? Whatever. Right now I'm on the new Star Wars game. It ain't Fruit Ninja.

You seem more like a Cake Wars guy. There we go. Oops. All right. Even we're tired of that. But the point is it can't all be about that. But I do think there's some interesting stuff about you that, again, mixed with the fact that you're a likable person,

that's a good recipe there, dude. And I know you know about recipes. All right. I'm getting out of here. I can't even. By the way, not a lot of people know this, but Blue Apron got its name after Drake. Drake Nelson, ladies and gentlemen.

You should try Blue Apron. You can get $30 off, Drake. His food service is called Blue Tarp. It's a drink. Yeah, they just give you six meals every night. I should not be laughing that hard at my horrible joke. This is exciting. This looks like another name, a one-word name.

One-word name. Too good to be true. I am just like with Go. It just seems like this person's not going to be here. Put your hands together for Smokey. Smokey. Smokey, yep. Too going to be here. Put your hands together for Smokey. Smokey. Smokey, yep. Too good to be true.

I fucking knew it. Blockless. Too good to be true. All right. I know for a fact this person's been signing up for a while. Put your hands together for Cassandra Cass, everybody. Here we go. One more time for Cassandra Cass,

everyone. Come on. Hi, everybody. So I don't know about you ladies, but I am so over men. I've had my penis inverted. My favorite thing to do is to fuck with straight guys so I like to trick a straight boy so when he's fucking me I use my smurfette voice you know like oh yeah oh yeah but when he hits that prostate fuck yeah pop a smurf baby um okay um I'm like a Ferrari.

When you step inside, the knobs aren't working quite the same. I think that's all I got. I don't know. It's not 60 seconds, but fuck with me. Thank you. Cassandra Cass. Yeah. It's 40 seconds.

You're going to hear the cat in 15. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, I've never done stand-up comedy And it's an honor, thank you This is your very first time Wow, look at you I usually do burlesque Hold on, hold on, wait, wait, wait

There you go, there's a minute So this is your first time I mean, I would say a pussy is a little inappropriate Oh baby, I got say a pussy is a little inappropriate. Oh, baby, I got a pussy. Okay. So maybe it is appropriate. Let's go to Jeremiah Watkins.

I can relate to... I'll do it later. He's so confused. You're in finance? I don't know. I haven't been following the show. I do take credit cards. I'm sure you do. Let's check in with Jeremiah Watkins.

I can relate to Cassandra because I also don't know who I am on the inside. I think she knows. I think she knows. You're saying she won't. A lot of people don't side. I think she knows. She knows. She knows. A lot of people don't know this, that every week she dresses

up in these crazy outfits. I've seen the girl from Pretty Woman. By the way, what's crazy about this? Tony, she just touched my saxophone. It's the first time I've ever felt joy. She's been sitting at the front table for like

three months or so. Yeah, three months. I've been stalking you, Tony. I even made you brownies. Is that a euphemism? They look like brownies on the outside. They're cookies on the inside. So, have you always signed up

all the times that you've been here? Or just sometimes? Well, in the beginning, I was doing my hair and makeup, so I kept running late. Okay,

gotcha. But I have like the last four or five times. Okay, and is stand-up something you've always wanted to do, or? You know,

I just like making people happy. Yeah. And I love pushing, right? Yeah. And I love, like, pushing limits and putting myself out there. I feel like as a trans woman, I don't really see anybody except for you. You know, who's kind of like me. Right.

I thought, why not just do it? I got the balls to do it. Jeremiah is... This is interesting. This is deep. Okay, so Jeremiah, like my sunglasses, still transitioning. Yep. I think it's super fascinating, and especially like right now,

especially with all the bullshit going on with the bathroom laws in Charlotte and all that stuff. It is fascinating and I would love to hear that voice. My problem with most of the acts that I've seen like this is it gets too campy, too quick and not real enough. I actually would love to hear what you really go through. So you want to be depressed?

Yes! Yes! Yes! I love you I love this woman So here's the deal I'm going to say this So He is

You You got to swim through depression river to get through to the other side of what's funny and what's profound and what's inside of you. That journey for you is fascinating because we all have to deal with it. I mean, not to talk about myself, what I do. You're on stage holding a microphone. Please talk about yourself. Well, a little bit about me is I just came off an award-winning reality show that will be produced

last year called Strut. And I travel around the world and I do burlesque shows. I've had five calendars. I'm very successful in what I do, but I've never done stand-up comedy.

I've always like performed in beautiful costumes and I do Jessica Rabbit. I do Wonder Woman. And I thought, let's take it out of the box and let's try to, you know. Yeah, no, I think you can.

So you already can do that. You know you can do that and be successful. Do you see my ass is shaking? I'm actually nervous. We saw that. We saw that your ass was shaking. It's good though, right? Best ass.

Tony wanted to set his drink on it. It is incredible. For you podcast listeners, she is absolutely stunning. Stunning. One of the best bodies I've ever actually seen. Pretty incredible. I do hot yoga. I've ever actually seen. Pretty incredible. Do hot yoga. Please do sexy Wendy sometime.

Yeah, Wendy's. Okay, stop. Just stop. Sound effects. A lot of good sound effects. A lot of great ones you're missing right now. Stop being so loud and let Streeter jerk off in the back.

Guys, let's have some respect let's have some respect I have a question for Cassandra how deep is your vagina oh you should have played how deep is your love that's a good question people don't understand like yeah when

I first had sex I had to start with an Asian guy but now I'm up to about a black guy whoa wow you're more stretched out than the last guy's earlobes. Thank you very much. How deep is your love? Jeremiah, you okay?

He's depressing me. No, is it depressing you? He's depressing you. He reminds me of my ex. Okay. Oh. Who's your ex, Robert Smith from The Cure? No, I actually was seeing a guy, and he took me to Tony probably like four months ago.

That's how I discovered him, and then we haven't talked since. Is it hard to date for you? Can I? No. I mean, I have a fun personality. I'm beautiful. I'm honest. I'm open.

Anyone who knows me, I've never had a problem getting a man. Maybe quality men, which I think most women can relate to. Well, then that's something to dig into. I mean, dick is not hard to get. Dick is not hard to get. I say that all the time. I say that to my children when I put them to sleep. Dick is not hard to sleep. Guys,

dick is not hard to get. I love you. I love you. Good night. I mean, it's I don't think that I perhaps would have at all guessed or known. Do you ever get in a position where a guy hits on you all night?

Sure. What's the reveal? That's where the joke came from because I was having sex with a guy one on you all night, and then you have to sort of like, how does that normally go down? What's the reveal? That's where the joke came from, because I was having sex with a guy one time, and sometimes when they hit, you know when a guy hits your prostate, have you ever had your... A lot.

Only Dr. Frankel. When I was younger, I used to like the whole trick a guy, but honestly, good sex is about a connection, and I would rather a guy accept my journey and enjoy what I have okay so good sex is about a connection good comedy is about a connection so I would like when you were doing the the sex thing about how you do like the very sort of sexy female voice the beginning and then when he hits your prostate to me I would love it if you just didn't have to go that hard at it it's not a drag show

to me if you just drop down to the lowest possible voice and say that hurt that's too far that's too i feel like again you're like oh my god it's not great and then he hits your prostate and you're like that i would like you to stop like if you took the most like the most serious serious longest you're touching on my prostate have you guys ever done a three-way together? No. No, that's incest. What are you talking about? Wow. Question.

I mean, right, Missy? I mean, come on. It's going to be sclars on top of scars if you know what I'm talking about. All right. So, Cassandra, let me get back to my question. Scars and stress. So, like the reveal, like has that ever gone, like, awkward? Does it normally go good?

Oh, yeah. Because my guess is this. My guess is that a lot of straight guys might not know, and then they would tell if their guys hanging out at the locker room were like, hey, did you see that chick? Oh, yeah, I would never do that. But my guess is that if they're just hanging out with you somewhere out there and you're like, just to let you know.

Never been turned down. Exactly. That's sort of the feeling that I had. They don't give a fuck, do they? They don't give a fuck. Right. I mean, it's because society puts so much pressure on people. I mean, you can't deny that, you know, I'm feminine and I'm beautiful and attractive.

I mean, you can't. Completely undeniable. Absolutely. Undeniable. Without a doubt. But in the reveal moments, you actually have a human being sitting across from you. If you reveal that

you do have a penis that like I don't have a penis. No, do you need to see? Even better! So then who cares? Why do you think I gotta talk? I swear, I did all this. So it's in or gone? Gone.

It's like a hot dog. You know what I mean? They shove it in. No, I don't know what you mean. Like one in the microwave hot dog? This is a science project. Can it bust open? Brian, stop interviewing a human being.

I think most straight people don't know the process. I don't know and I need to know. Let me tell you. All right, everybody relax. Simmer down. We're down. When we are in utero, the female and everything, you know, like, it's all the same skin, you know, drops into a penis

or whatever. So basically they take it and they slice it and then they put it up in the cavity. You know, I mean, we are essentially just skin and bones. What's important is our soul and our heart. Agreed. This is just skin. Yeah. And your tight asshole, if you know what I'm talking about.

Yeah. If you're fucking a fleshlight, this is skin, baby. Oh, I agree. Because I'm on your side in all this. But okay, okay. But I'm just going to. So what just happened was great. Because you got like, no offense, but super preachy and the crowd got behind you and you said something.

And you love it when people get behind you. We've been there all night. Certain people. No, but so if you want to be a good comedian, what you do is you build everyone up and get them behind you and clapping and then you add add his joke at the end, which is all that you said, and then tight asshole, whatever you want to add as a joke, to take the rug out from under people. That's when you start doing real comedy. You can easily make a room full of people feel good about themselves,

feel psyched for you and excited, but if you want to get good at comedy and you want to be a good comedian, then you have to start playing with those things. And I love what they said about it not being a drag show. I think that's a great note. There's so much going on with you, with your butt and your boobs and your pretty face

and on the way you dress and everything that you don't need to go high energy. You can be very subtle and just kill and have them lean forward and listen a little bit harder. Because, by the way, drag shows, if you've ever been to a drag show, I don't know if you've ever been to one, but... I will tell her what it's like.

All I say is Google me, baby. Right, I know. Oh, shit. Don't worry, we're definitely all Googling you tonight when we get home. Spank Bank City, my friend. Hamster. I'm going to say drag shows are awesome. They are amazing and fun. They are. I'm jerking off to. No, I'm saying drag shows are awesome.

They are amazing and fun. They are so different from stand-up shows. But I do burlesque, so you need to understand the difference between drag and burlesque. We know burlesque shows too. Burlesque, we've done the wrestling shows downtown that has blue.

Okay. Which is dance and it's not stripping, but you get down to pretty close to nothing. Burlesque is usually where you spend $20,000 to $30,000 on a costume. It's something that women can appreciate, men can. It's an art form. It is an art form. Not that stripping isn't.

I love stripping. But it's a high level of dance and acrobatic, like in what we've seen. Acrobatics as well. You should come to one of my shows. Thank you. We will. But so but I'll bring I'll bring my kids. Jay was less committal than her to being a man.

I'll be there. But no. But what we're saying is like for for comedy if you can be subtle and you can score being subtle then you you can actually jump several levels. If you do something big and obvious... Because there aren't a ton of

trans voices in the stand-up comedy world. I would love to see it. At all. And I think you could really, really, really, really have a shot at this. The way that you're here every week watching this show and now that you've done it and you're sort of going to have a different feel for it when you hear other people get notes,

you're going to know more what it's like to apply it to that. I just love to learn. It's an honor to be here. Well, that is exactly the right mentality and I hope you come back again. You are one of my favorite comedians. Thank you, Tony. I love you.

I don't like you. Oh, shit. Wow, heel turn for Cassandra Cass at the end. Wow. No, she's kidding. Oh, look at that. Dang it. Thank you.

All good. Beautiful. There she goes, Cassandra Cass. Cassandra Cass, everybody. That is, she is so hot. She did it. There's so many things I want her to dress up like, like Jessica Rabbit is one.

Okay. Wow, there you go. Hey, Red Band, Red Band, is that your ideal? That is your ideal. There's so many things I want her to dress up like. Like Jessica Rabbit is one. Wow. There you go. Hey, Red Band, is that your ideal? That is your ideal. Like body? Yes. That body is your ideal.

Yes. Or a 24-year-old Asian that's sitting in the back room. Wow. That's a... Oh, Jesus Christ. Love the one you're with. All right. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. How about one more time for Cassandra, though?

Our first ever, what do you call that? First time. Trans? First time. Trans, the word? Yeah. She popped a cherry that she at one time didn't have. That's right.

That was what it is. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Looks like another new name to be. How about Mario Tanti? Here we go. Here he comes. You guys having fun? You're at Kill Tony Live. It's Mario Tanti. What's up, guys? I love music. I go to a lot of metal

shows. One of the last shows I was at, one of the guys in the band, he stepped out on the edge of the stage and he spit out into the crowd. And everyone was just like, fuck yeah, metal! Like, no one really gave a shit. And it's like, that's one of the only jobs you could do that at. Like, ladies, imagine you're at the gynecologist's office for a

routine checkup and you're laying there with your legs in the stirrups. And halfway through the appointment, the doctor just spits on your pussy and starts playing air guitar speaking of music i was listening to dr dre's the i was listening to dr dre's the chronic album last week and uh on the first track snoop dogg has a line he says protected by guys with big dicks ak AKs, and 187 skills. That just sounds like a really shady job interview. It's like,

I see here on your resume that you have 20 plus years of murder and gun experience. Now if you could just pull down your pants and show us your dick, we could really get the ball rolling and you becoming a member of this company. Mario Tanti. Dude. Great says. Great job.

Funny. That's how it's done. Like a veteran. I like the opening joke. I like the opening joke so much that I thought of a tag as he was doing it.

So spit on your pussy. A guy in a collar spit on your pussy and I would say and you said and then air guitar. That's not actually right because you saw it at a concert and the guy just walked out

and well he was the guitarist but he wasn't air guitaring he was actually guitarist so I would say spit into her pussy and say hello Cleveland or something like that yeah take that note for sure so can I

say I liked and guys when you step the fuck on stage make it your own space there was a moment before like where music was playing he picked the mic up and he just held it up there for a second and i fucking liked the way you did that i'm like you just held the mic there for a second before it all started i was like all right i feel good about this guy he's like in control and i was waiting to hear your material. Every single thing you do on stage, it's important I feel like. Look, I definitely liked your material.

I liked that joke. I definitely liked where you were going with the Snoop Dogg thing as well. Very thoughtful stuff, like taking music shit and then playing it out and applying it to life. You set up the premise, I like music at the top, and then you sort of carried it out. It's very funny. How long have you been on stand-up? This is my first time, second time. Wow. up the premise, I like music, at the top, and then you sort of carried it out. It's very funny. How long have you been on stand-up? This is like my first time, second time.

Wow. What? No, no, no. Whoa. I love that there's some confusion about it. This is like my first time. I've been up a couple times, but not just in the last. I haven't continued doing it.

What made you want to do stand-up? Open mics? You did a couple open mics? Well, I've been coming here for, I've been coming to Kill Tony for a year and a half every month. Signing up? No.

Oh. I just signed up last week for the first time. Wow. By the way. That's fucking amazing. Dude, that's a great start. Look at what Kill Tony can do. I know, dude.

There was fucking five people on earlier that have been doing it three years and they all fucking ate it. Yeah. Speaking of Blue Apron. But this is what, the same advice we'd give to you is that and what you're doing is study, study, study

what's working, what isn't working. Take all the notes that everybody's getting and be like, these jokes aren't about me. No, no. The second you said I love music, I was like, I'm in. What does this guy have to say about music? You said I was at a metal show.

You were at a metal show and that happened, correct? Yeah. You're not making that fucking happen. So none of us questioned whether or not that happened. And the truth of that moment allowed you to then do an absurd moment, which was the analogy of that happening in a gynecologist's office, which I think is funny. But you couldn't have done that second part without the true first part that we all believed. So I love that. That's fucking great. I don't know why I'm yelling at you, but yeah. So here we

are. It's pretty much your first time doing stand-up. You've done a couple open mics in front of a few people before this, but this is your first real show in front of a big real audience. So this is a part of the show, since you didn't really talk that much about specifically yourself, but more your perspective. This is a segment we do every. Since you didn't really talk that much about specifically yourself,

but more your perspective, this is a segment we do every once in a while where we find out more in a fast rate about our guests. This is a little segment called Who Are You? I don't know. Quit asking. All right. Not you.

That wasn't to you. All right. Not you. Not you. That wasn't to you. All right, Mario. So we're going to just flash through it. You just answer the questions as fast and honest. You don't have to be funny at all. Ready? Yeah.

How old are you? 34. What do you do for work? I'm an executive sous chef at a fine dining restaurant. Fuck yeah. Wow. That's fascinating and interesting. Also a good area to talk about. Also good.

Yeah. The food world is. Food allergies in LA and interesting. Also good. The food world is... Food allergies and I want to know how much people spit in food when people send shit back. You don't do that. You've seen it. He's a sous chef.

He doesn't want to be a sous chef. Do you have a girlfriend? No. Boyfriend? No. Straight? How long have you been single? Like a year.

How hard is it to like... My entire life. Oh, God damn it. Last date you went on? It was a while ago. Swiping around. Nothing really worked out. Nothing really...

Swiping around? If I took my girlfriend to your restaurant, could we eat for free? Wow. Good, bold question. old question. I thought of nowhere Actual question Wow someone someone's about to eat some free edamame Okay, Mario, I wish I knew where do you live? Okay Mario Where do you live?

Live in the valley Deep Valley Is that where you're from? No I'm from Pittsburgh How long have you been in the Deep Valley? Six years And you came out here to make it in sous-cheffing? No well my sister lived out here for a few years

And I was just coming every summer What does your sister do? She's a big producer She's an office type Office type Office type shit coming every summer. What does your sister do? She's a big producer. She's an office type. She does office. Office type. Office type shit. She's not working currently but she's. Marketing director. How many nights a week do you work as a chef? Every night. Every day.

So how are you going to do stand up? I know. That's what I'm saying. Dude you owe it to yourself to keep doing this. Lunch shifts. That's the way to do it. Get on the lunch shift my friend because you're an interesting dude. I mean that's what I way to do it. Dude, get on the lunch shift, my friend, because you're an interesting dude. That's what I had to do. I was stuck. When I first got out here, before

I started stand-up, when I was 21, I was working at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, Beverly Hills. I don't understand that name. I do not understand that name, Ruth's Chris. Why can't it just be Ruth's Chris? Alright, so here's... Let me just explain it to you.

There was a very, very famous steakhouse in New Orleans. It doesn't matter. But hear me out. It's a shitty name. It's a terrible name. I'm still going to explain it to you. Okay, fine. So it was called Chris's Steakhouse. I understand it.

Ruth bought it. Why can't she say Ruth's? Or Ruth Chris. But she changed it in some ways. She didn't change it. She had to keep Chris's Steakhouse's name on there. She didn't change shit. All right, forget it.

I'm clearly not going to get anything in the Ruth Chris thing. I don't know. Maybe you guys are sponsored by Fleming's or something like that. I didn't realize. She changed more than that steakhouse. Cassandra hates you guys. She doesn't like the slobber. Whoa, Jesus. Flip the table. I thought she liked people. Cassandra hates you guys She doesn't like the slobber Whoa Jesus

Flip the table I thought you were supposed to neg a hot woman Be careful She's back She might jump you guys in the restroom I called her hot she's back She's back Have you been in a long term relationship

Not in a long time Back before I moved here Okay friends out here Have you been in a long-term relationship? Not in a long time. Not in a long time. Back before I moved here. Okay, friends out here. Mostly at the restaurant or just around or heavy metal fans? A lot of the friends I have were my sister's friends. Mario, were any of your friends ever named Luigi? No.

Wait, your sister's friends, were they girls? Did any of them ever try to hit on you? No, never. Did you ever kiss any of them? No. All right, moving on. Wow. You consider yourself a shy guy?

Yeah. Yes. This is a lot up here. This is a lot. But you handled it, bro. Are you in therapy? No. I should be, probably.

You're like shy, not buff. The older I get, the more I think I should be. What types of things do you do for fun? What are some hobbies? Magic tricks? You look like you know some magic tricks. I go to a lot of concerts. He knows how to make girls disappear.

What kind of concerts have you gone to lately? Just a lot of metal shows, man. Yeah, man. What the fuck, man? Don't you know what the fuck's going on, man? I don't know. That's not really my scene. Last show was a band called Every Time I Die.

Every Time I Die? I love that band. great place to take a date Yeah, I don't know. Is it hard to date at metal shows like you? Very What do you do for fun What do you do for fun? That is one of my favorite things you've ever done. That's so funny.

Metal small talk is the best. Metal small talk. It's going to be a show. Oh, my God. What's your signature dish? What do you think is the one thing that you make better than anyone? I mean, like, sausage, biscuits, and gravy. I love them. Sausage, biscuits.

That's my favorite. Holy shit. That's like the first thing I ever learned how to cook. My aunt taught me how to make that when I was like, sausage, biscuits, and gravy. Oh, my God.

Wow. Mine just got hard. Yeah. You need to start dating dudes. Cassandra turned her sausage into biscuits and gravy. I don't know if you guys know that. Why?

Wait a minute. No. Wait a minute. Why. Wait a minute. Why do you like that? Why do you like that and nothing that we said? Why? I can get away with anything with Cassandra. Especially from behind.

She loves me. That's right. We're old. Here's how old I am. He said sausage, biscuits, and gravy, and I got a hard one. Seriously. Mario, you look like you've beaten Fortnite. I don't know what that means.

You don't play video games? No, not a lot. Other than going to concerts, what else do you do for fun? I work a lot, man. I come here a lot on my off time just to hang out and watch comedy. If you were going to hide a body, where? Good fucking

question, man. That's one of my favorite questions ever. That's like of my favorite questions ever. That's like Tony's whole family. Dumpster behind Toledo. You know I'm from Youngstown. 45 minutes away from Pittsburgh. Did you ever Wikipedia me? I haven't.

I've heard you. I know you're from Ohio. I would say, dude, keep at it. Don't sell yourself short. That was a great first effort and you got to keep doing it. Jeremiah Watkins. Here we go now. Do you ever look up at the stars and realize

how large planet Earth really is? I do. All the time, man. I'm dead inside just like you. Wow. Jeremiah just felt better. Wow. Connection. Alright, Mario. There was more to that, but never mind.

Oh. Sweet. Fuck, man. Yeah. He's pissed. Mario, for a first time it was fucking unbelievable. Do not figure out something. Anyway, my point was, what I was saying for a second time it was fucking unbelievable do not figure out something anyway my point was

what I was saying for a second was I was working at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse which is only a dinner house and I knew that when I started here that I was going to be doing it for I don't know if you're as passionate perhaps as I was I mean I knew that I was destined to be one of the top young rising comedians in the world let him finish so we might

have a different trajectory but you know there's what I did was Top Young Rising comedians in the world. Let him finish. So we might have a different trajectory. But, you know, what I did was before I quit there, I put in applications at other places that serve lunch, and I wouldn't make as much. Well, I mean, you're a chef anyway, so you're probably making the same amount. Or if you can find a good restaurant. It's a good restaurant, too. I have that title that I can go anywhere.

No, you can go anywhere. That's what I'm saying. I'm saying take your resume and use it for a place that also serves lunches. Then you can have nights to do comedy. You can make money during the day and you can have it all. Get up every fucking night.

There he is, Mario Tanti, ladies and gentlemen. His first ever time on stage. He chased his fucking dreams. Instead of sitting there Doing nothing I love it That was great advice too

And someday emotion will find its way into his voice Sklar brothers You guys have been on This show numerous times You have been here since the very beginning Some of our original regulars Sarah Weinshank, Mosta Jobby, Kim Congdon, Vanessa Johnston,

Allie Makovsky, Melissa Esslinger, you've been with us through everything. I don't know if you know this, but we found the future a few weeks ago. He is our first ever male regular, our first ever African American regular, and he's taking over the scene by storm. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Malcolm Hatchet.

Holy shit. What's up, y'all? Damn. Damn. I'm addicted to Starbucks. Wi-Fi. I hate coffee If you go to Starbucks Eight hours a day

Five days a week You a full-time homeless man I'm full-time, man I hate girls who get on Facebook And say they're gonna kill theyself And don't do it I got a homegirl She post that shit all the time they're gonna kill they self and don't do it. I got a homegirl, she post that shit all the time.

She said, I'm gonna kill myself. And a week later, she be happy as hell. Other day I was petty. Bitch was still alive. I comment. I said, bitch ain't you supposed to be dead? She had the nerve to say LOL. And then she poked me.

I had to block the bitch. After I fucked, because she looked good, y'all. Fuck yeah. Good minute. There might even be a tag opportunity there at the very end with a you're dead to me type of thing after you block her. I don't know with your cadence. You got so pissed you wanted to kill yourself. Malcolm, you did it again.

How about one more time for Malcolm? Holy shit. I mean, unbelievable. Week after week, he comes in with a new minute. Absolutely destroying. I love the Starbucks thing. You're there longer than most Starbucks employees. Yeah. You're there so long, you're like, hey, Jenny, you're here for the Starbucks thing. You're there longer than most Starbucks employees. Yeah. You're there so long, you're like,

hey, Jenny, you here for the late shift? People are asking you where shit is. You're like, it's over there. It's over by the Nora Jones CDs. By the way, you're... Just you saying Nora Jones would make me laugh. That shit's over by the Nora Jones CDs. Just to say that without looking at someone

I think would be a funny punch. Is this your sixth time on stage right now on Kill Tony? Probably my fifth. You're five for five. Every set you've had has been amazing. I don't think it ever happened on Kill Tony. And it's getting even better. I mean, you started...

One of my notes on that set would be, your jokes were great the whole time. I noticed that you sort of started speeding up as you went, and I think you could sit on your beats even longer. Make these fuckers wait for it and want it, because when you have them eating out of the palm of your hand like you do, and you'll notice this with greats, Chappelle, fucking Chris Rock,

they're not going da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You can chill. Why'd you name only black comedians? That's what I was wondering, too. I'm trying to speak. He doesn't fucking know who Jerry Seinfeld is. Oh, what the hell? He's right.

Take your time. And you were in the beginning, and I think you got excited. You know, we're afraid sometimes that we're going to maybe lose, and I got to keep it going. But it's like, fucking chill. You got it. You have the momentum built. You can always. Where are you from originally?

North Carolina. Yeah, dude. You can always. Where are you from originally? North Carolina. Yeah, dude. I love this. Malcolm just arrived here to L.A. seven months ago. He started in North Carolina. He's still sleeping in his car, a torn and tattered 92 Ford Taurus outside of a 24-hour fitness. Where in North Carolina? Oh, Winston-Salem.

Okay. Did you go up to, like, the Comedy Zone? Yeah, yeah. Oh, heck, I started out. At Charlotte. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good one. Yeah, did you go up to the Comedy Zone? Yeah, y'all started out. At Charlotte? Yeah. That's a good one. Yeah, you did it.

That's great, man. How's the last week been? How's real life been? Do anything fun or crazy? Oh, it's cool. My homeboy, Antonio, he got me a place for a whole month. Oh, wow. Yeah, he looked out.

Nice. That's great. Pull up. I ain't got Wafa, though. Look at that. It's called jail. And then I went to an interview the other day, and they recognized me from Kill Tony. What?

Hell. It was an interview with the FBI. Slow down, slow down, slow down. You didn't get the job? Because they was like, hey, ain't you that dude who quit the job? And I was like, nah. Do that joke. And then they played it, and I was like, I quit all the time. By the way, are you fucking with me?

Is that true? I wrote it down. I just never performed. But they might like that because it's real. What was the interview for? It was this place in North Hollywood. It was like a warehouse. Yeah.

Full time. But they weren't fucking with me. Shit, dude. I want you to get a job. I want you to get a place. And then I want you to be doing stand up every night just every night brother you've been doing it I mean I see you grinding on the Instagram

stories you've gone up you've shot up since being a regular here for five weeks what is it like 7,000 followers 7,000 oh hello oh wait what the kill Tony effect is real it's real sons of bitches

can we get me up to 7,000 no The Kill Tony effect is real. It's real. Sons of bitches. Can we get me up to 7,000? No. No, that cannot happen. Nope. Nope. Quit my job. Tomorrow, Malcolm is joining me and Tony and Joe Rogan and a bunch of people.

And Adam Devine is going to sold out show. And I was thinking, because Rogan wants to go first tomorrow, putting him right after Joe Rogan. Why not? Do it. Love it. Great attitude. Great attitude. I like going first too. That's dope. Yeah, try it out. Don't be scared.

I mean, the real trick is really starting on time and having Malcolm go first, so this way Joe has to see Malcolm for fucking however long. No. That's the real magic. Well, also, just him following Joe, riding that energy will be so amazing. It's true. It'll be funny.

Just him being somewhere on time would be fantastic. It's great for a black man. Yeah, don't be late, Malcolm. No. Wow. So that's fun. Your buddy got you an Airbnb. Nah, he got me like, it's crazy.

But yeah, yeah, you can say that. It's tight. It's tight. Really? What is it, a house? It's an apartment in Reseda. It's big. I walk around butt naked and shit.

Wow. Fuck yeah. I don't think you're supposed to do that, but yeah. Great. Yeah, you have roommates. No, that's cool, man. And I just like the energy. And from the second you walk on stage, you have a really positive vibe.

Before you said a word tonight, you were getting laughs because people were just enjoying like who is this they were just enjoying everything that you brought out energy wise so like he said take your time i know we only have a minute here but when you get a longer set take your time let the laughs go because you got them tomorrow yeah tomorrow jeremiah walkins you should all right yeah i'll take it You got them. Tomorrow. Yeah. Tomorrow. Jeremiah Watkins. You should. All right. Yeah, I'll take it. Whoa, Jesus.

All right, lady. Malcolm H. Twill. Tanya Clifton over here asking her tough questions. Wow. Jeremiah, were you saying something? Yeah. Hey, she wants to represent you in the 1970s. You can follow me on Instagram at Jeremiah's stand up. Wow. Jeremiah, were you saying something? Yeah. She wants to represent you in the 1970s. You can follow me on Instagram at JeremiahStandUp.

I only post pictures of the inside of bats' mouths. Wow. Wow. It's so dark. Wow. The darkest place ever. Yeah, inside of a bat's mouth. It's good to see you plug something other than a blow dryer into the wall.

He's really mad. Legitimately upset. You know how cool it would be if Jeremiah actually had that hair, though? I think that would be fucking sweet. If you just introduced him to your friends. Malcolm, you five weeks ago, I'm sure that the game sort of changed for you a little bit probably to your peers because you got a

spot that a lot of people wanted. I mean, you know, it was a spot that normally was designated because we felt bad because women weren't getting many opportunities in comedy. So the cool thing we did is we always made sure that the regular was a female for four years. Now, now in my opinion I think women are getting too many opportunities yeah we got so we knock with that shit up hashtag me to a

bunch of garbage being forced down our throats all the time that might be why I like Cassandra so much mean? That's what I'm talking about. She's got the sense of humor of a fucking man, baby. You can't get rid of that. She'll speak. That doesn't go up. Wait, why is that depressed guy smiling over there? Wait a minute.

What are your shoulders doing over there, you depressed guy? What's happening? Uh-uh. I didn't want to like that joke, but I did. Now he's depressed about that. Fucking brilliant joke. So my question is this, Malcolm.

Have you noticed any of the comedians, we get like 100 sign-ups a week, they're smathered around this room, and now all of a sudden you're getting, I mean, you're fucking killing, you're getting Instagram followers, you're getting, I mean, you're fucking killing. You're getting Instagram followers. You're getting work. Everybody's booking you on shows. I know we're trying to, in a

miraculous way, figure out a way to fit you in the budget to take you on Kill Tonys and stuff. I mean, we're trying everything. And I'm sure everybody is. So my question is, have you noticed that maybe some of your peers or just comedians overall at mics and other places, have they been treating you differently?

Are they nicer? Are they jelly? Jealous. Aphrodite, you don't count. You're the fucking queen. You don't count. Shut up. They cool.

They real cool. Everybody's cool? People throwing you shade at all that you can tell? I be listening to my muse. I don't really be fucking nobody like that. I love that. I love that. People, they cool, man.

Jeremiah Watkins. Somebody, I have a t-shirt for you from Great Day in Planet Clothing because somebody sent me a t-shirt because they are a fan of you on the show, so I owe you a t-shirt after the show. Glad we took care of that on the show.

Yeah. Could have been done back. Do you guys want to exchange email addresses for about 12 minutes? Darkshadow44 at Hotmail.com. Hotmail? I haven't seen a Hotmail. Darkshadow, whose is that?

Yours or his? My social security is 00000069. Should have been 666666. What's your fucking social security number? That was a callback from the first comedian. Know it. Well, I mean, everybody's treating you good.

You're getting more spots. It's all happening. Is there anything else in life that you're looking forward to or anything like that? Yeah, I got an interview tomorrow. Yeah? So you're looking forward to quitting that job? Is it another warehouse? It's Wendy's.

Wendy's? Holy shit! Dude, you have to work at Wendy's. You have to work at Wendy's. Which one? Burbank one? The one down the street. Don't do that one. I'm just going because the lady said she'd give me a four-four. I'm just going to eat and leave.

It's a lunch interview. Yeah, good. It's a lunch interview. That's good. All right. Malcolm H12 on Instagram. Malcolm, is it underscore hatchet on Twitter? It doesn't matter. Malcolm H12 on Instagram.

God, I love that. I love it. I love it. I love it. Good dude. Sweet dude. He makes me enjoy coming to Kill Tony every Monday. It's unbelievable. I totally agree with Red Van on that. He's completely reinvigorated my thing for comedy.

I think when I started almost 11 years ago, there's a thing where you get to watch the greats and you see all the monsters that you looked up to and it's inspiring to you and here I am nothing inspires me more right no and by the way that's you're fucking around but I'm serious when I got here and I met

the Sklar brothers my mind was fucking blown and now it's I get inspired from seeing people with that fucking spark that you know Gerardard, Tiffany, Angelo type of fucking. You so rarely get to see it. But when you do, it's so undeniable. Because sure, people can be

funny. And sure, maybe you had a good night. And then there's some people that absolutely fucking have it. So that's Malcolm Hatchett. Funny in his bones. Should we go back to the bucket one more time? What do you guys think? One more time? I think so guys think? One more time? I think so.

You know what I think also? I think black people are just funnier than white people. Wow, there you go. They are because they're darker. Wow. So deeper. Wow. I think it's because they've been through less.

Wow. I think it's because they've been through less. We've had this young lady on before the show. And being our final comedian of the night, you know her. You love her. It's Lila Hart. I'm going to skip right past the small talk and get right into it, okay? You ever send a sexual text message to the wrong person?

I was sexting with my dude and I was like, right into it, okay? You ever send a sexual text message to the wrong person? I was sexting with my dude and I was like, hey, I'm about to get in the shower, about to get ready for my show. And the only reason you would text a man, you're about to get in the shower, let him know, I'm about to be naked, I'm about to be soaping up, think about that. And of course he texts me back, he was like,

you're about to be naked and wet without me. And I wrote him back, he was like, you're about to be naked and wet without me. And I wrote him back, I was like, I'd be too wet if you were here. But I sent that shit to my mom. And my mom is super Filipino, so she called me up, she goes, oy, why, anak, is it very hot there in California? Ang init sa California, very hot and not a heat wave.

That's my mom, my mom is Filipino. California. Ang init sa California. Berehatan na the heatwave. That's my mom. My mom is Filipino. My dad is American. My parents have been married for 27 years. Right, it's incredible. Thank you. It's safe to say that my dad, he really loves my mom, and my mom really loves America.

Ah-ha-ha! Yeah. He really loves my mom, and my mom really loves America. Ha ha ha. Yeah. Nice. Hello, Lila. Welcome back. Thank you. That was fun. Is this your guys' first time seeing Lila?

No, second time. I think this is better than the set that we saw before. Great presence, and I like that last joke a lot. Thank you. Really good about your mom. Did that really happen, by the way? The texting on mom? Yes, yes.

We're really close. I text her all the time, and the actual text message conversation happened, but in my head while I was driving, I was like, oh, that'd be so funny if I said that to my mom, and that's how I came up with that. Got it, got it.

We're very close. You have brothers and sisters? Two older sisters. Two older sisters. Now, what would we call, I Two older sisters. Now, what would we call, I don't know how we, what would we... Are they all legs? As well.

Yeah. Are they like you? Taboot. No, my sisters are like regular, I guess. Yeah, they're normal. Oh, you're normal. Well, I have spina bifida. We talked about that, yeah. But I'm Filipino. I don't know what's worse. I don I have spina bifida. We talked about that. Yeah, but I'm Filipino. Oh, I got it.

I don't know what's worse. I don't know what's the bigger handicap. You have spina bifida. I'm so sorry that you're Filipino. That's a good joke. You have to have spina bifida. So why don't you play those two things? I love it.

You lay that out at the very beginning. I can see you guys. I tell people what I know. I can see you guys feel sorry for me. I know. I can see you guys feel sorry for me. There's nothing I can do about being Filipino. I think if you just throw something like that twist in, I think that'll be it. Yeah, I'm not a midget.

I'm Filipino. That's where I go. Like tiny Pacquiao or something like that. I'm mini Pacquiao. Mini Pacquiao is pretty nice. Mini Pacquiao is not bad. I love your cowboy boots. You look like you just rode in on a horse on a stick.

I loved you in Wicked. Have I ever asked you what you do for a job? Yeah, digital advertisement. Okay. But I also, I've been doing this show called Small Talk. Small Talk with Isla Hart. It's my YouTube show. Wow. I actually interviewed Malcolm on it. So if you guys want Small Talk with Isla Hart. It's my YouTube show. Wow.

I actually interviewed Malcolm on it, so if you guys want to check that out. Nice. It's on YouTube. And it's just an interview show with you and the comics? Yeah, it's on Channel 310. That's the name of the YouTube channel, Channel 310. Great.

Channel 310. Okay. That's awesome. I have a show on YouTube called Dark Talk. Oh, my God. We talk shadows, the color black, eyeliner, the inside of my soul, depths of wells, thunderstorms, bleeding from the wrists. Ooh.

Okay. Wow. Sounds really fun. Do you even want people to follow that channel? No! All right. Fine. That's what we were expecting.

Solid. It's a good attitude. How do you feel like your comedy's coming along? Your stand-up? Are you happy where it's at? Yeah, I'm super stoked on it. This is my third year and I feel like I'm really progressing and putting in I respect the game and the hustle of it. I'm just excited. Can I make one suggestion?

I know this is going to sound nitpicky. It's just because when you actually have good jokes and you have stuff about you that you're digging into that's great. And this is a mistake that I think we made a lot when we started out is you kind of take on a comedy voice, which is not your voice, which is not your actual speaking voice. I love your actual speaking voice, but I feel like when you get into the bits,

there is more of a stand-up up be voice that is not your voice. I just want to hear more of your voice. You talking the way you talk, the way you're talking right now. And the jokes will still be funny and they'll still hit. It just won't be in my shows a level of comfortability. Yeah, I agree. A hundred percent. And it takes a little of the polish off of it, which I think makes you more real.

Because you have a lot of cool, real shit about you that you're easily digging into, and I think that's my little two cents on that. Yeah. So what have you been doing for fun? When you're not doing the podcast, and you're not doing digital advertising, and you're not doing stand-up,

there must be something you do. You like to go out, right? You like to go out. Get away, meditate, you go to the beach. What do you do? I just got back from the Philippines. I visited my mom. I've been back. How was that? It was amazing. Did United try to put you in the

overhead bin? Come on. No, she's still here and alive. They learned their lesson. That's right. My mom is one of eight kids, so we had a family reunion. And my mom hasn't been there for 15 years, so she was there for a month. And I surprised her and flew in for the last week of it.

Wow. That's so cool. What's it like in the Philippines? It's really rural. I mean, it's a lot of dirt roads, and it's very poor in the area. They're from Dinulupian, Batan Province. Shout out to those people who are watching. Shout out to our listeners on CB. They will watch this.

Good, really? Yeah, my mom watches. So good. Hi, Mr. Hart. Lucky you. My mom is the smoke monster from Lost. Oh, wow. That actually is appropriate.

What's some of your favorite things that you did when you were in the Philippines, like culture-wise, that we don't have here? Did you eat a dog or anything like that? No, I didn't eat a dog. They don't do that anymore. But you guys have a lot of street dogs, don't you? Oh, yeah. There were these little puppies, and then I gave them baths.

I don't know if I was supposed to do that, but... And then I liked picking out the fleas from them. Go ahead. He stepped on it. What happened? You gave him a bath and then what happened? I had to pick out their fleas. You picked out their fleas? Did you eat them? No, I just enjoyed it.

To pull fleas off of a dog. Off of a puppy. Anybody who says the Philippines is not as great as the United States. Look at the amount of activities you have. You can pick a league. The best part of it all was really hanging out with my family

and just, you know. Picking fleas off them. I don't know why I said that. You must love the flight. You don't have to pay for extra leg room. I sleep so good on planes. I bet. Just pull down that drink tray in front of you and curl

up into a ball and take a nice nap. Absolutely. That is true. A barf bag is like a sleeping bag. Jesus Christ, Brian. Always too far. Like a trip to the Philippines. You always go too far.

Let me ask you. Lila, who do you think has a deeper vagina? You or Cassandra? Go. How deep is your love? I'm pretty small, so. Oh, look at that. Oh, man.

Are you? Are you? Stop it. All the small things to care. Truth brings. Take one lick. All right. You're right.

Best trick. Always. I know. You'll be at my show. Laughing. Waiting. Commuter commuterating. Saying so, I'd not go to the lights off. Killing me whole.

Is that Josh Adam Myers from the Comedy Jam? What are the odds of that? First time we've ever fucking sang a song in a while. The host of the goddamn comedy jam, Josh Adam Myers. Josh Adam Myers! Jam, baby. Are you dating anyone right now? I am really not focusing on that area of my life right now.

Why? Jesus Christ. What is going on here? What are you focusing on? Oh, my God, Brian. What are you focusing on? I'm single, but I'm never really alone. You know what I mean? What does that mean to you?

What does that mean? Take your time. I just don't think it's like not something I want to be focused on. It's baggage. I don't want people to look at me as like just somebody's girlfriend, you know? Hold on. Chroma Chris. Have you met Jason Weeman?

He's my friend. Stop it, Chroma Chris. Now I see why you never talk. You're not supposed to talk. Dude. Fuck. Take it easy. That's how you treat him the first time he talks on this show?

Whoa. Come on. He's only 0 for 1. Give him credit. So you're not focusing... I want to kill myself right now! Wow. Not focusing on that area

of your life. I'm sorry. But tell us why. Why do you think that is? Because let me tell you something. Every time that I find myself truly not focused on that part of my life, that's been every time. I was telling everybody

that right before I met my wife. I'm like, oh, I'm fucking single forever. Life is perfect. I'm fucking banging chicks and I have money. Everything is good. Then he got married. How long have you been in this mindset of staying single, not caring about dating?

The last 10 months of my sobriety. It's the sobriety. No, you know, I am in a really good place in life right now. I'm very happy. Absolutely. There's nothing wrong with that. I love that.

There's nothing wrong with that. Absolutely. And I think that's when you really are the most attractive, you know, is when you're happy. Yep. Well, I mean, you're also pretty attractive when the person is drunk. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like a talking fleshlight. Yeah, that's true. Wait, what? Nothing, Kay. I knew you were. Christ. Please bring up the sound effect board. Red band.

Less talky, more soundy pies. Let your fingers do the talking. Red band. Just run the thought by your mouth before you open it. Lila, where can people find your podcast? iTunes, Small Talk. It's on YouTube. It's channel 310. That's where you can subscribe. Small Talk small talk it's on YouTube it's channel 310

that's where you can subscribe and there's four other shows on there Secret Black People Meeting with Niles Absinthe Blunts and Brunch with Arthur Hamilton The High Tonight Show with Victor Martinez and it's Eric Abinantes who directs a lot of the shows well there you go there she is Lila Hart ladies and gentlemen

she's on Twitter at LoveLilaHart and we did it that's another episode of Kill Tony that easily is Lila Hart, ladies and gentlemen. She's on Twitter at LoveLilaHart. And we did it. That's another episode of Kill Tony that easily. Painless. Levi. Levi, we have to talk with you about something after the show. Here's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, yeah, dude. Vegas, Detroit, Lansing, Grand Rapids, San Francisco, Vegas, Fort Worth, and also Fort Wayne, Indiana. You all have Kill Tonys coming to you. And all those stand-up dates I mentioned earlier at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Sklars and Stripes, you can sign up for Audible.com right now. Get 30 days for free and use Sklars and Stripes.

You can watch it all and catch them at the Chicago North Bar, their third added show at supersclars.com. Thank you, brother. I know I cannot wait to watch Sclars and Stripes. Listen to it. Yes, listen to it. And that's what I meant. Yeah. And I'm super excited about it. You guys are so fucking funny. Truly two of my favorite

guests. I mean, unbelievable. You really make me feel like one of the brothers. I feel like our chemistry is a lot of fun. Hey, how loud can this place get for the new band leader, Jeremiah Watkins, huh? How's that? The new, new, new, new, new Kill Tony band

leader, JW. Go ahead. Jeremiah Wonders is out with an amazing new episode I listened to earlier, laughing my ass off with Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Go ahead. Jeremiah Wonders is out with an amazing new episode I listened to earlier, Laughing My Ass Off with Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Go ahead, Jeremiah. You can follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp, or if you don't want to, that's fine too! And then me and my former boy, Patty Reagan, are recording our album this weekend in Ventura. Chroma Chris is going to be playing bass on it.

Joel Berger is going to be playing drums. It'll be coming out later this summer. We love you, Pat Reagan. We do love you, Pat Reagan. You can always catch Pat Reagan by coming here to the live Kill Tonys at the Comedy Store. He's always going to be warming up the crowd.

We always have him play during audience load-in. He writes and creates so much. And, you know, the whole reason why I made him the band leader in the first place a couple of years ago, however long ago it was, was because I'm such a fan of him. And he actually turned me on to musical comedy for, like, the first time ever. I was never a fan of it. And I think he's such a genius. And he's always writing and taking chances on new stuff,

so you can always catch him here live before the Kill Tony Live start. And make sure you get a ticket now. I'm warning you. There's no way we're not selling out June 18th for the five-year anniversary. Oh, yeah. So many fun surprises already lined up. It is like our WrestleMania. I'm so excited about it. And you should be too.

MalcolmH12 on Instagram. Make sure you follow Malcolm. Make sure you follow the band, Chroma Chris. Don't let his Wee Man question slither you away. It wasn't that bad. I love you, Pat Reagan. How about we make some noise for Joel Berg.

Joel Jimenez, the legend. Yeah, I'm on Jeremiah Wonders. Thank you, Tempe and Phoenix. We had a great time out there. Thank you guys so much. We did have so much fun. I thank you again, Arizona. And we're going to have fun in other places too.

All those tickets, you can get them at TonyHinchcliffe.com. You can go to DeathSquad.tv. Tell your friends about Kill Tony, people. You guys listen all the time. And when you come to the live shows, you tell us a bunch of great things about how we changed your life and about how you can't go without us. So tell your fucking friends that you work

with and shit. How about that for a change? Hey, look for a new Kill Tony shirt next week, guys. Whoa! New Kill Tony shirt. Kill Tony, the book's available at ryanjebelt.com. And why not get some food? You guys are all going to eat meals anyway. Go to blueapron.com.

Get $30 off your first order at some amazing meals. It's really good, guys. I'm going to cook one when I get home tonight. Live audience, thank you so much. We love you. See you. Good night. Good night. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not Come on, man.

We got something. Thank you. Thank you.