KILL TONY - KILL TONY #261

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

Natasha Leggero, Moshe Kasher, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 04/16/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit rebelsis.ca.

Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to DeathSquad.tv for all the past episodes including the video portions just click on videos there you have every single kill tony ever made also you can click on tour dates at death squad.tv and come see us live we're at the comedy store every monday at the world famous comedy store in the main room. And that's at 8 o'clock. You can get tickets to that.

Or we're on the road. We're going to be in Vegas May 11th at the Dive Bar. We're also doing a comedy show. And then we're going to be May 17th at the Punchline in San Francisco. And we're going to do a Kill Tony and some comedy shows. And then we're in Indiana August 4th, my birthday. We're going to be in the Let's Festival, whatever that is. And then September 22nd, we're going to be at Motor City Comedy Festival.

Go to DeathSquad.tv, click on tour dates for all the tickets and information. Also, you can go to TonyHinchcliffe.com, and he has click on tour dates for all the tickets and information also you can go to tonyhingcliffe.com and he has all the tour dates there also including his tour dates he's going to be at wise guys spokane he's going to be in boston like all over the place go to tonyhingcliffe.com also ryan j ebelt he's the house artist he draws every episode he did the kill tony book if you haven't seen it he every episode, and then he put it in a book. We sign every book, me and Tony. Ryan makes us sit down and sign them.

What the fuck? No, we sign every book. It's awesome, so check him out. Also, if you want, that's ryanjebelt.com. Also, if you want to go to shopsquad.tv there you can find everything including the Tony Hinchcliffe or Tony Hinchcliffe Kill Tony shirt there's a new one coming out I was supposed to have it

out a couple days ago but some shit happened it's going to happen alright guys real life sometimes happens but there's a new Kill Tony shirt almost about to be released also you can find all the Death Squad merchandise you might see me wear the hats and the shirts all the time. That's where you get them, shopsquad.tv.

And all the money that I make from all that pays for everything we do here. So like every time I have a camera that breaks or a mixing board that breaks, which seems like every day, that's how I pay for it. Go to shopsquad.tv and buy some merchandise. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of kill Tony

hey this is Reppin Coney live from the road famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of kill Tony give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hello, good evening. Welcome. Make some noise, people. It's Monday night. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Half excited ass crowd. Brian Red Band is here, everybody. What's up, everyone? The great Ryan J. E. Belt's drawing tonight's episode. Look, it's Josh Martin, everyone. The guy that does it all.

drawing tonight's episode. Look, it's Josh Martin, everyone. The guy that does it all. He's going to be with me in Spokane, Washington, when we do stand-up May 3rd to 5th, and Jeremiah's going to be with me in April in Salt Lake City. We do a Kill Tony in Vegas May 11th, Kill Tony in San Francisco

May 19th, with stand-up shows there as well. I'm in Boston doing stand-up on the 526, Kentucky, Lansing, Grand Rapids, and Detroit all have their own Kill Tony and stand-up show. So does Fort Worth, Texas, five stand-up shows there and one Kill Tony. Chicago, October 3rd through the 6th, just me doing stand-up at Zany's. And June 18th is the five-year anniversary of Kill Tony here in the main room. And I have to say, this is very important.

Tickets are almost sold out for that. So for those of you listening that are sort of on the line debating on whether or not you want to buy a ticket, now is the time to do that because they're probably going to be sold out by next week. So, you know, a lot of fun stuff happening with the show. A lot of people are excited about things. Ryan J. E. Belt's here drawing tonight's episode. He drew the Kill Tony the book, Kill Tony the poster, Kill Tony the poster 2, House Artist. He's going to draw tonight's episode while you all sit there doing nothing. He is a key piece of the cast here. How long have you been with the show now, Ryan?

Just short of three years. I remember when we both asked him to be part of this show separately, not even knowing that the other one did it. And we were able to nail him down and help each other out. The question is, are you hiring? Posting your position to job sites and waiting and waiting for the right people to see it? ZipRecruiter knew there was a smarter way. So they built a platform that finds the right job candidates for you. ZipRecruiter learns what you're looking for, identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job these invitations have

revolutionized how you find your next hire in fact 80% of employers who post a job on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site in just one day and one day 80% that's a lot it is and ZipRecruiter doesn't stop there they even spotlight the strongest applications received so you'd never miss a great match. The right candidates are out there, and ZipRecruiter is how you find them. No doubt. Business of all sizes trusts ZipRecruiter for their hiring needs. And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free. That's right, free. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony.

ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. ZipRecruiter, the smartestwaytohire. You guys ready to kick this fucking show off or what? Here we are. Everything's in motion. Every week we have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week is no different. Not only are they amazing, they have a Netflix special coming out tomorrow.

It's the honeymoon special on Netflix. It drops at midnight tonight, and they're some of our favorite guests ever. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Natasha Leggero and Moshe Kesher. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah. One, two, three, four. Fuck yeah. Natasha's in the house.

Moshe Kasher. What a turnout, Tony. Yeah, we're doing it now. You guys have been with us since the belly room. Loyal, loyal guests of the show. I actually went to the belly room tonight and sat up there for like 10 minutes and then someone's like it's downstairs. I love that. You guys'

special drops at midnight tonight on Netflix. It's an exciting time. Hell yeah. It's a really big deal. The world is about to really figure out what the hell is going on. You think it's going to have that kind of impact? It's a big global thing, the Netflix. Yeah, it's exciting. It's very

cool. I'm happy that my people in Israel are going to finally take some time off from whatever it is they're doing with the Palestinians to come over and watch me do my thing. Well, I'm excited for you guys. I've seen clips of it and it looks absolutely hilarious. You bring couples on stage

and make fun of them and you do some time and you do some time. I do 30 minutes. Moshe does 30 minutes and then we do some live relationship counseling which just kind of turned into roasting. Yeah. Natasha kept trying to give him real advice. I'm like, these people are not worth our advice.

Let's just destroy them. Also, we're not doctors. No, not at all. Well, I have a bucket full of comedians' names that would love your advice, whether you believe it or not, and they're all ready to rock. But before we get to the bucket, let's bring out tonight's band. Every single week, they commit to characters

and you never know, I never know what they're gonna be or what they're gonna do, and then they deliver jokes through those characters throughout the night. They try their hardest to commit. Let's see what happens here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Chroma Chris, and Joelbert Joel Jimenez. Here we go.

Here we go. I don't know. Whoa. Wait a second. Oh, shit. Are they coming off of Coachella, perhaps? Oh, wow. The little party animals this week.

Jeremiah Watkins. Chroma Chris. Jeremiah looks like so many Raver girls I fucked in the 90s. This is great. Chroma Chris clearly thinks that a Coachella character

is a cross between the Big Lebowski and Kingpin. He was trying to get to Coachella, but they got lost on a three-hour tour. Gilligan's Island joke out the gate, folks. And then on drums, we clearly have for the first time a blonde Oompa Loompa. Pretty excited that you're here. Oompa Loompa. Pretty excited that you're here. Oompa Loompa,

doompity doo. Oh, wow. Joelberg is off and firing already. So we're gonna have fun with you guys all night. Jeremiah, you good? Doing really good, Tony. Whoa, why does Coachella Jeremiah talk with that voice? You know, I've just been going to a lot

of festivals lately. Oh, you're pretty smug, huh, Mr. Know-it-all? What kind of drugs are you on? Let's just jump right into it, shall we? I have a bucket filled with like a hundred comedians' names. Sometimes it's somebody's first time. Sometimes they're a vet. Sometimes

they're a crazy person. You never know what's going to happen. When I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. You get it. That's super annoying, so don't go over your time.

You guys ready to start this thing, or what? It's the official start of Kill Tony. All the pieces are in place with the great Natasha and Mosha. So here we go. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Sal Fratelloni. Here we go. Here comes Sal

doing a steady jog. Put your hands together one more time for Sal Fratelloni. How's it going, everybody? Do you guys like Stranger Things? Do you like Stranger Things? Season 1, Season 2 are really great. I love both seasons. Season 3 is coming

out soon, and they're going with a little bit of a different cast this season. This season, the kids are running away from Kevin Spacey. Yes, that's the appropriate response for that joke. Thank you so much. I didn't like that Kevin Spacey thing, obviously, because, well, I didn't like it because he's like, I don't know, maybe I molested a kid, but I'm gay now, so it's cool, right? No. No, it's not. That's like me going and killing a guy in cold blood and being like, I don't know, maybe I murdered that guy, but I'm a mailman, so it's cool, right? Fuck. I don't have anything else.

Anything else? Fratelloni. Anything else? You have to have something before you say you have nothing else. Fratelloni. Yeah. That sounds like cooking night at your frat, man.

Yeah. I made a frat-a-loni. It's pretty hard to pull off Kevin Spacey jokes when you look like a Duke lacrosse player. You are adorable. You seem like the kind of guy that would hire Michael Cohen for an attorney for some reason.

I like that your first joke had a line in it written that was designed to deal with the fact that it wouldn't get a laugh. But your second joke, when it didn't get a laugh, that you improv'd another line about that. I thought that was cool. She was in the moment. But also, if you noticed, the last thing you said, you kind of

laughed at yourself and said you had nothing else. The audience burst into laughter. I don't think they were laughing at you. I feel like they were a part of it. So it's like maybe you could find a way to be yourself a little more between the jokes and also you should get some jokes. Yeah, like don't talk about rape. Actually rape someone.

Be yourself. Jesus Christ. Sal, have you been on this show before? Yeah. What happened last time you were on? What did we find out about you? What did we talk about? I just moved here a little over a month ago. When I was on the show last time you were on? What did we find out about you? What did we talk about? I just moved here a little over a month ago.

When I was on the show last time, it was like two weeks being in LA. But yeah, I was jobless. I got a job at a taco place right behind my house. Wow. Thank you. Yeah. What do you do at the taco place? I like bus and food running stuff, but we get tips.

You bus at a taco place. You, Sal Fratelloni, a white man. You bus at a taco place. You, Sal Fratelloni, a white man. You bus at a taco place in Los Angeles, California. Hey, welcome to Fratelloni's Tacos. Do you smoke a lot of pot? Do I? Yeah.

So that's it. Alright. My mom is watching this right now. She knows. I don't think your mom's going to be as disappointed in you smoking potty. She is that you're a busboy at a taco shop in Los Angeles. Or from that set, for that matter. Sal, so you've been in L.A. for a month and a half. Where are you from?

Minnesota. Yeah, you seem like it. Yep. And you got a job. What else is going on in life? Got a job. Got a place with my buddy. Yeah.

Oh, sorry. I thought you were asking another question. Got a place with your buddy. Yeah. Got a place with my buddy. Did you move out here with your buddy? I was out here a month before he got here, but he got me a place and everything. So sort of.

Yeah. I moved out here with him. He got you a place. Yeah. He like. Okay. Here we go. No. He like. I moved out here with him. He got you a place. Yeah, he like... Okay, here we go. No, he like... He just like set everything up

and yeah, it just had to blow him too, you know? I don't know. This is... No, that's not... That wouldn't be how it works. I see what you tried to do there, so... Last time you made fun of me for... I was staying with a friend out here

that I met through mutually. Yeah. Well, now it sounds even more awkward than the last time. What happens if you don't wear a backwards hat? No, his nose is connected to it. That's a good question. What do you got underneath that hat, Sal? What are you working with there?

Whoa. Oh, beautiful. Dude, that would bang you, dude. If I do it, it looks better. Wow, what do you do with hair like that? When you're not bussing at a taco shop? Because that hair seems like there's a little bit of a party machine in there somewhere.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. What do you do for fun? He's got that little party hair. He seems like he could hang out with the Coachella guys. This is party. Yeah, he's got that little party hair. He seems like he could hang out with the Coachella guys. Jeremiah? Oh, wow. Sal, what's the most fun

thing you've done since you moved to LA a month and a half ago? I mean, besides coming here, just, I don't know, went out to bars with some mutual friends, stuff like that, I don't know, went out to bars with some mutual friends, stuff like that. I don't know. Nothing crazy. Why do you call everything mutual friends?

You never say friends. I don't really know it. It's always mutual. You always want to make sure that we know that you're both friends. It's not just a one-sided friendship to where you really adore them and they think you're a piece of shit. You always make a point to say it's mutual. We're both mutual friends. Sometimes I go out with the other busboys.

That's not a mutual friendship. I'm in a mutual friendship with a forest nymph named Tetheros. Wow. Sal, other than going to bars and stuff, have you been on a date or anything like that?

No. Are you on any of the like that? No. No? Are you on any of the dating apps? Yeah. Which one are you on? I'm on OKCube because I got kicked off Tinder. How'd you get kicked off Tinder? Talk about this on stage.

Yeah. What'd you do, catfish someone by telling them you wear nice sweaters? I'm a guy whose sweaters fit. Who the fuck are you? How'd you get kicked off Tinder? I think I'm Matt. Okay, so they don't tell you

when you email them multiple times like I did. Wait, email tech support? Yeah. Why am I not getting pussy? I've been here a month already. Fuck. So I think it was because I've been here a month already. Fuck. So I think it was because I matched with a girl that was like,

she was like 90 miles away from me. And she was like, hey, want to hang out? And I'm like, no, nothing's going to happen here. You're 90 miles away from me. I'm not going to. At best, we could just be mutual friends. So wait, how did you get kicked off of tinder uh i don't know i think that girl like like said i was mean or something then i got reported what do you mean she said you were

mean would you say sal that's what i said i don't know i don't even know if that was what it was they don't tell you they don't tell you anything they don't give you an email like they don't they just said someone said that you were They just said someone reported you and we can read everything that you write to them. Yeah. I'm deleted off the app now. Did you pitch that Kevin Spacey joke to her maybe?

Have you ever tried that Kevin Spacey joke before? Have you ever done that joke before? Yeah, I have. Where? 1998? What? That would be a fucking... That would be an amazing fucking set.

You guys know what Stranger Things is? No. It's going to be here in like 22 years. But at any rate, Kevin Spacey's a child molester, everybody. You'll understand. You might not be into it, but your kids are going to love it. You're really banking on people being invested deeply

into Stranger Things for that joke to work. I've never seen it, and that joke didn't make any sense to me. I agree. I tried to watch it, and I didn't like it. It was like a bunk Spielberg movie to me. So I don't know. Wow, sometimes you're just flat out wrong. I tried to watch it.

Can I just say that Sal's very charming, though, and I really liked when he started talking as himself, and I liked when he took his hat off, and he's very cute and personable. Makes me miss the Midwest. Hey, man, you might not have had a great set, but you're going to fuck my wife tonight. There he goes.

A little consolation prize. Sal Fratelloni. Sal underscore Fratelloni. F-R-A-T-T-A-L-L-O-N-E. There you go. That's how it works. We meet someone. We move on.

He was so cute. Sal's a month and a half into the game. He was sweet. I rode too hard on him. I feel bad, Sal. I love you, and I love your jokes. No, his jokes were bad. He was very. I wrote too hard on him. I feel bad, Sal. I love you and I love your jokes. No, his jokes were bad. He was very cute.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Antonio Mantello. Here we go. Antonio Mantello. Another good steady jog. I like this. We're moving quick tonight.

Hey. Man, I'm so excited, you guys. I'm getting married. And I was all excited about it, and I called my friends. And I was like, hey, yo, Tyler, dude, I'm getting married. And he was like, when are you getting married? I'm like, I'm getting married in May. He was like, why May?

I was like, that's when our visa expires. And it wasn't for the visa. It was actually like, it was really love at first sight. She walks into the room, and she looks right into my eyes, and I freeze up. And I look right back in her titties. And I was like, oh, man, I got to marry her. She's got forever titties. oh man I gotta marry her she's got forever titties and like and I'm a gentleman so I before before I proposed to her I asked her parents for her hand in

marriage and her mom was like Antonio marriage that's really hard work and I was like oh shit really hey well that's kind of good because I'm broke, so when would I get paid? I'm tired of people thinking I'm stupid like the other day. Fuck, yeah. Well, there you go. Your best punchline was a setup. Did you make up the term forever titties? Yeah.

Wow. That was good. What are forever titties? Just nice, natural breasts. Do you know... You have them, honey. You know that... Do you think I have

forever titties? I'm not looking. Your husband's right there. Yeah, back off. Don't want to face the wrath of me Nah, I just got respect, man Thank you

I think they look very nice Sal, that was interesting, I'm going to be honest with you When you came up That's right, you took my piece of paper, you son of a bitch You're confusing me. Antonio. Yo. So I'm going to be honest with you.

You came out and you talked about this chick that you're getting married to or whatever and perfect forever titties or whatever. But when you first came up, the first thing you said was like, I don't do that. And so it sort of seems like, you know, I mean, what do you have to say for yourself? Is that how you normally say hey to people? When I go by Tony, no, I'm just saying. We just saw a glimpse of Tony as a father in the future.

I saw you say, hey, what do you have to say for yourself? Yeah, Antonio Jr. So what's up with that? Shit, I don't know. Where are you from? Alaska. Wow. You should talk about that.

That's interesting. I've tried, not really. Oh, really? Do you still live in Alaska? No. How long have you lived here? 15 years. 15 years. 15, 18 years.

And you're still wearing the Alaska hoodie. I respect the shit out of you. Hell yeah. It's cool though because he's Alaska from the waist up, but he's like West Hollywood from the waist down. Oh yeah. He's got like red jeans. Especially his dick is my guess.

Antonio, have you ever been with another man before? Hell no. Wow, why do you say it like that? No, no, I just haven't. I got a bunch of gay friends, but I just never... That was an Alaska first gut response and an LA secondary response. Hell no. I mean, no, it's fine. Everything's good.

Oh, shit. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven months. Seven months. What made you want to start doing it? I don't know. I just think I'm funny, so I was like, I'm going to do it. Wow.

What do you think now after that set? I still think I'm funny. Here's the thing. I think that he's funny. I think that the audience sensed that he thinks he's funny. Because you said a few things that were funny, and they didn't laugh. Like forever titties. That's funny, right but they were just kind of like not into it yeah and i think maybe just if you could try to are we supposed to give them advice yeah sure if you if

you have good advice yeah maybe like try to connect for a second before you just start your thing yeah like i said hey thank you yeah I'll do that Sometimes you can even just, yeah, think of a few people Make eye contact with two people Before you start, you know You can't take my advice seriously No, no, I'm taking it seriously, I'm sorry

Are you really getting married or was all that How much of that was true? No, I'm getting married Are you? Is she really from another place? Yeah, she's from Mexico What's your ethnic background? I'm Mexican. I'm Mexican and Italian.

You're Mexican and you live in Alaska? Yeah, how'd you get there? You go the wrong way? What? Wrong way. He's like, some of these motherfuckers cross one river. I crossed them all. A wetsuit.

That's it. That's all it took. Well, there you go. What do you do for a living? Are you an ice road trucker, crab fisherman? What is it? I'm a bartender. What were you bartending at?

HQ Gastropub. What's that? HQ Gastropub. It's in Woodland Hills. Do you ever hit on your customers? No, they hit on me. I doubt it. Antonio, you have a lot of swagger and a lot of confidence. Where do you think you get this from?

I know it's not the mirror. Yeah, I don't drink. I don't drink. I don't know. Have you always been this way? Kind of. It's more like a, yeah. When you were born, did you start fist pumping?

Yeah. I bet you got a big dick, huh? It's all right, yeah. When you were born, did you start fist pumping? Yeah. I bet you got a big dick, huh? It's all right. Yeah, it's cool. It's cool. Is it a forever dick? I hope so. Where'd you meet this illegal immigrant fiance of yours?

Acting class. Acting class. Wow, what was she trying to act like, an American? Yes, sir. How long have you been taking acting classes for? I took that one for two years, and that's the only one I took. And when did you meet her? Four years ago.

Four years ago. And how did you know that you liked her? What happened? Was there something during the class? Was it a love at first sight type of thing? No, it was like love at first sight. When I saw her, I really knew. I was like, oh, I like this girl. And I was a little intimidated around her.

But I asked her out. And then I asked if I could take her home because she was taking the bus. Of course, of course. Now we know. So she let me take me home. She said, can I take you home? And she's like, no, I worked so hard to get here.

Fuck, yeah. These would be good jokes for your set. Yeah. I'm going to watch it later and go over it. So then you gave her a ride home. And then we just hung out, and it just felt right from then. Yeah? Why did it feel so right?

She has a big dick. She mentioned she needs a green car. I was just really comfortable around her. I felt like I could just be myself. You could fart in front of her. I do now. I don't know. I'd just be like myself. I'd be like the little

kid I used to be. Very good. The little kid you used to be. It's very Michael Jackson of you. What's the thing you dislike about her the most? She complains a lot. What does she complain a lot? She's got a temporary

pussy, unfortunately. Forever titties. She just complains about food all the time. The atmosphere of a place. When you say she complains about food, what are you talking about? Like what you're feeding her or like she's starving

or what? No, no, no. Like if we go out to eat somewhere, she'll complain about the food. She says in America, they use like this one spice that tastes like armpit or something like that. What spice? What's the spice? I have no idea. You mean pepper? Like that chili spice? Old spice? Chipotle or something?

No. It tastes like an armpit. It's old spice. It was a good joke. It was a great joke, Jeremiah. It got lost 17 times. Old spice. Very good. You had something happen with this girl though, right? This is new news that you're going to marry her. I think you said you guys had fallen

out the last time you were on the show. Good follow up, Joel. Damn. Last time I was on the show we were going through some things and everything's back on. What were the things that you were going through? It's personal stuff.

I'm not going to go over again. Well, there's no better place to talk about personal stuff that almost ruined your engagement. Yeah, do you guys want to hear his personal stuff or what? That's too damn bad. Cut to Kill Tony two months from now. So I'm recently single. All right, well, that's awesome, man. Well, Kill Tony two months from now. So I'm recently single. All right.

Well, that's awesome, man. Well, I'm glad that you're in love. That's good. Does she inspire your comedy at all? Do you have any jokes about her? Those ones, I guess. Yeah, I got, I guess a couple. I got a couple jokes.

All right. Well, there you go. Best date you ever went on in which she complained the least. Where would you take her? Probably when we went to Mexico, honestly. Wow. Doesn't that sound about right? Yeah, she's walking around all cock of the walk down there like,

mm, none of that armpit spice. Movies. She likes movies, so she doesn't complain when I take her to movies. Get her pretzels. She won't complain about that. She loves pretzels. When you make her cum, do you say think outside the bun? Have you ever

talked to her about the complaining problem? Yeah. Yeah, what did she say about that? Shut the fuck up, Antonio. No comprende. I mean, I don't know. I just try to work on it because I tell her it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. You're so hip. You remind me of like a young Vanilla Ice.

Which is weird because your girlfriend would hate it if you were ice. You know what I mean? And you grew up in a house made of ice, in fact. All right. Well, Antonio, you grew up in Alaska. I was born in Alaska. I was raised out here. How were you born in Alaska?

What were your Mexican parents doing up there? So my mom drove up there with her boyfriend at the time. Who needed their snow shoveled? Oh, wow. Okay, fuck it. Fuck you guys. Is getting their snow shoveled? Oh, wow. Okay. Fuck it. Fuck you guys. Is getting your snow shoveled when you have anal sex on cocaine? Yes.

I believe so. Okay. I'm interested in this story. Your mom had a boyfriend. My mom had a boyfriend. She was living in Colorado. She went up to Alaska with her boyfriend. And then my dad went up to Alaska to grow weed.

And kill your mom's boyfriend? Well, I guess. He wanted to be around you? He just starts crying. That'd be great. Let it out, dude. I guess. And then my dad liked my mom, and he was just persistent.

Oh, he wasn't your dad yet. No, no. Oh, I see. Okay. He stole him away. Yeah. He stole her away. Yeah.

Wow. Are they still together? No. Okay, sorry. Ha ha. All right, Antonio. Well, it was good to meet you. It was good to meet you, too.

There you go. All the way from Alaska. Catch him soon performing at the Tijuana Chuckle Monkey. Break up with that bitch. Whoa, Jesus. Red Band's got a little extra fury in him tonight. He does not like Mexican girlfriends. I take offense to that.

All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. It's the legend. We're going to make this one a quick one because she gets pulled up so goddamn often. But it is one of our favorites. It's the great and powerful Aphrodite, everybody. Let's see what happens here tonight. Here we go. Kiltoni icon.

Lover or hater. Tony Icon, lover, hater. Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. How y'all doing? I got a question. Is it wrong to flick boogers on cab drivers? Because I got mad at this cab driver a few nights ago talking shit to me. So I said, what can I do and not get in trouble without him even knowing that I'm doing it, right? So thank goodness I had a nice big booger up in my nose.

I pulled it out, let it dry a little bit, and rolled up some little smaller ones. I pulled it out, let it dry a little bit, and rolled up some little smaller ones. And I flicked boogers on that motherfucker all the way to South Central. Boy, it gave me pleasure. I almost got an orgasm out of that shit. Yeah, I'm tired of people doing cocky-ass shit. Like this lady at the bus stop, she blowing cigarette smoke all over my face. at the bus stop. She's blowing cigarette smoke all over my face. I'm like, lady, you're blowing cigarette smoke in my face.

She looked at me like, bitch, please. I'm like, alright, I got something for your regurgitated looking ass. Okay? So what'd you do? Was that it? I filled my pipe full of some good top shelf weed and some motherfucking hash and I blew a motherfucking cloud on that bitch. Alright, there you go. Not really a joke at the end.

Just really sweet, sweet revenge. You really showed her. Wow. The audience loves you. Yeah. Thank you, guys. That's a very important quality. You're the only person who's been up here so far tonight.

Yeah. That the audience likes. Yeah. No, it's true. And not only that, you were working beats on them. And not only that, but I noticed that you actually took a note that we've given you a few times of sort of like, you know, less is more and sort of like make them listen, lean forward a little bit. You know, you weren't like usually you're very projecting and sort of crazy. And you can always do that, too.

But it's good because you're showing sort of a new skill set there. People on the live stream absolutely hate you. I just looked over. I glanced over and it's just fuck. I fucking hate her. She's been terrible lately. All this. I don't know what's going on because the actual room loves you.

Yeah, maybe all these fucking haters on the other side of the world just suck. Well, we are driver 62, cab driver 71897's cab driver. They all want to fuck me. Aphrodite, you're rocking heels tonight How do you not fall backwards with heels with an ass like that? And a 250 pound ass I don't know, it's gravitational God damn

Aren't you just the sweetest little thing? I got a favorite with God, so I don't fall on my ass I love it Aphrodite Fuck yeah What else has been going on in life? Anything else? Oh, man, I'm doing a lot of comedy.

Comedy has taken over my life. I'm doing a thing called Simone, and we're going to film on the 29th, and I'm one of the crazy characters on that. I got picked from an audition. And I'm singing with five bands. Wow. Yeah, we're about to do studio. Wow, what a whore.

Yeah. What's up, baby? What's up? whore. Yeah. What's up, baby? What's up? Wake your ass up. What's up? Aphrodite loves Jeremiah. Look at how cute they are. We fucked a few times in some bad dreams.

Some bad dreams. Hey, Aphrodite. Really bad dreams. Could you describe the grossest booger you've ever had? Man, I'll put some barbecue sauce on one for your ass. Oh, what the fuck? Oh, shit. Jeremiah nailing the question.

Don't fuck with me. I got a lady at 30,000 feet in there. I got that bitch, too. Wow. Yeah, 30,000 feet. I put ketchup in her motherfucking seat and some mayonnaise and shit. What the hell? Wow.

Yeah, you got to get these motherfuckers, you know? That is literally the exact answer I wanted. I like how petty you are. That's cool. Like private revenge only for you. I don't want to go to jail. I'm 62 years old. I ain't trying to eat that jail food, you know?

Are you kidding about your age? No, I'm not. You're 62? Yeah. Isn't that awesome? I don't understand how that's even possible. Forever titties, though, right? I don't know.

Jingle bells, jingle bells. Those are actually 12 years of titty. Let's see. Real titty shake. Real titty shake. That fake shit don't move. That's concrete in them chest up there. You're 62? I'll be 63 in October. Do you have grandkids? No, I don't move. That's concrete in them chest up there. You're 62?

I'll be 63 in October. Do you have grandkids? No, I don't fuck with no kids. Oh, no. I didn't say to you, fuck grandkids. Unlike Kevin Spacey, she doesn't fuck with no kids. That's a funny joke. You should say that.

I mean, I like men a lot. I'm into men, but I don't fuck with them kids, baby kids or whatever that shit is. Wow. I have several felonies on them little motherfuckers. Really? Is that true? I ain't got no patience with kids.

You just shoot them little motherfuckers. Jesus. All right, Aphrodite. Come on. Come on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. If you've murdered babies before, don't admit it on this show right now.

Confessionals. She looks 35. I really am confused. How do you stay in such amazing shape? What type of, do you do like cardio B or something like that? I just play with my titties, that's all. How do you stay in shape? I just eat all kinds of greasy shit.

You just eat all kinds of greasy shit? Yeah, you can grow titties and ass with grease, white people. Y'all need to know that. This is some of the worst health advice I've ever heard. Normally Red Band is the creepy doctor over here. That's chicken and that's waffles, right? Wow, that was an attempt. I hold my breath a lot.

Because if I let my breath go, I'll blow this motherfucker up. Everything will fly out of me. Aphrodite, I can't tell you how cool it is every single week seeing you here, always sitting really close to the front. I love you, Tony. You always make a point to tell me every week how much you love this show And I love you. I love this whole audience I love how it sort of evolved your life and giving you something really cool to do it your ripe cool age of 62 I can't tell you how much that warms my cold cold black heart

You can stay young a long time. You don't have to buy into these fucking stereotypes. I'm fucking. I get ate out. All that good shit. I know. Hell yeah. Just have to cut the little gray hairs more often. All right. There you go. Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. There's Aphrodite, the fucking legend.

There she goes. Or as I call her, Tiffany Faddish. I love you, Amber. Black and jello, black and jello. Joel Berg. Joel Berg. She's not even fat. Oh, yeah, I know.

You guys are so nice She looks good She thick Two C's She's not fat We love Aphrodite One more time for the great Aphrodite everybody She knows what's going on Look at all that fucking

Sexual chocolate Okay Jeremiah I can't tell if you can play that or not. I can play. All right. This looks like a new name out of the bucket. Let's give him a chance. It's Ryan Brankin. Here we go. Whoa. I heard a verb. Oh, shit. Those are usually good. Good guess. Ryan Brankin, everybody. Jesus Christ, I'm nervous. I went down to the pink dot and I brought a thing of whiskey. I've been drinking it and peeing every ten minutes. When a grown man sucks your dick when you're five you get really good at doing drugs i am so good at doing drugs I didn't want to touch the microphone because I have pink eye.

Fuck you! God damn it, I drove two hours to get here from Crestline. I had to go down a mountain road. If there was a goddamn earthquake, I'd be dead right now. Take my... Okay.

This season on I'm Dying Up Here. I know. Okay. Do you really have pink eye? Hold on, hold on. No, no, no, no, no. All right. I can't tell if you're a hipster or homeless, man.

I am so near to being homeless. I called my ma today, and I was telling her how bad I'm doing. And she was like, just get in the game. And I was trying to get her to give me money. I fucking love you. First of all, let's just jump right into it. I mean, you got the laugh of the night so far with a brutally honest joke. Did you really get your dick sucked by

a grown-up when you were five? Oh my god, yes I did. And then I saw in the paper that he was a cop and was getting awards for this. Hashtag me too. You have to come forward. I did. I did. I was like hashtag me too. That cop

sucked my dick. Hashtag me blue. like, hashtag me too. That cop sucked my dick. Hashtag me blue. Yeah. Wow, that's crazy. Before he did it, were you like, hands up, don't shoot in my mouth? Tony. He went so fast they couldn't move. Blast to lives matter. Wow.

Where did he make you suck? Oh, Tony, Tony, Tony. I'll tell you. You can't not ask me questions. This is my comfort zone. Look how much fun this guy's fucking having. It's the time of his goddamn life. It's not like Tony brought it up.

Yeah. By the way, congratulations. You're the newest member of the band. I play piano. Can I come in? No, no, no. It's okay. It's okay.

Also, I want to say, when he asked you if it was true that you got your dick started when you were five years old, what I wanted was a, yeah, it's true. What I got was a, yes!

When he came, did he pull out or pull over? All right. Answer the original question. Where did it happen? Were you doing something wrong? No. I was young and cute.

Wow. Okay, can I just say... Yes. You know, it's very refreshing that you're so honest because, honestly, comedians are very broken people, and as we all kind of become friends, we all find out, like, what's the horrible thing that happened to you.

And sometimes it's not that bad or often never. It's that bad. But you know, the fact that you just said that was, I mean, usually it's like under the surface. I mean, that's,

it's a, it's, it's an interesting approach and it seemed like the audience was really into it. You have an amazing spirit, Ryan, uh, for like as drunk or on drugs as you say that you are. You're drunk.

You really are. Like you seem like a happy drunk. Am I right? Are you a pretty happy drunk or is it just right now? I'm definitely happy. You're a happy person? Yeah, I'm happy. That's pretty beautiful. Am I happy? My wife's right there. Am I happy? Wow, you have a wife. Look at that. I'm looking at your wife. You are happy.

Very good. There you go. It's a little shaw for you. Are you serious about comedy? Have you been doing it a lot? Or are you just doing this? In Chicago, yes. We just moved here, so yes. How long ago did you move here?

Not stand-up. I've been doing crazy stuff on stage. Crazy shit. I believe that. Is this your first time doing stand-up comedy? No, I've done it a few times in Chicago, but it was horrible. So just, yeah. And this time it went good?

It went okay. I think so. They loved you and I'm glad you have a wife. Wow. I never even thought we'd get to have Tom Hanks in Castaway on the show. This is really exciting. You guys just moved here. How long did you move here? Three months.

Three months. Where do you guys live? Up in the mountains in Crestline. One month we've been here. You live in the mountains she said it's only been a month one month we've been here so you live in the mountains we brought a lot of LSD with us and it's been a weird

strange trip I'll talk to you after the show honestly if some guys sucked my dick when I was five I would be on fucking acid too

all the time why not I think that would be the last drug I can read minds now because of all the acid I've done wow

are you really a big acid guy, for real? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're like a drug addict or whatever? No, yeah. Yeah, cool. That's awesome. So you have pink third eye?

Where's Josh Martin at? Josh, are you around here somewhere? Josh Martin? He said he doesn't actually have it. Oh, he doesn't? No, he said he doesn't. It was a joke. Oh, wow, great.

Wow, Ryan, look at you, you sneaky fuck. I didn't realize I was working with fucking Bill Murray caliber improv chops over here. How drunk are you? I'm so drunk I have to pee. You have to pee? Really bad. But how drunk are you?

Do you always perform drunk or can you do it sober? Good question. What's that? That's what the cop asked you, right? I'm just a guy. I don't think I've ever been sober up here. You've never been sober on stage? I'm terrified of getting up on stage.

What do you do for work? Oh. For those of you listening to the podcast, he's just silently cracking up right now. It's a beautiful sight. It's unclear if he's laughing or crying. We can't tell from this angle. We don't have any jobs right now.

You don't have any jobs. How are you surviving? We're not. I'm so scared to pay the two drink minimum right now. Wow. Yeah, I'm terrified. Are you really scared to pay the two drink minimum? Oh, yeah, I'm terrified. Hey, I'll pay your tab tonight.

Wow. Look at that. That's fucking awesome. That tab brought to you by Netflix. Yeah, the honeymoon special. April 17th. Mama, you see how it works? Wow.

Hey, Moshe, sometimes I get scared too. I'll pay for your ayahuasca, Jeremiah. So if you don't have money and you don't have a job, why are you living in Crestline? Why is Crestline where you decided to set up camp? It was really cheap to go up there, but it's like two hours from everything. So you have like a little apartment or something? We have a

trailer. We live in a trailer park. That is so fucking cool. We have a bunch of cats that we feed now. We're like bubbles. How many cats do you have? My wife is bubbles. I think four. One lives on the roof. One is our main cat, Gilbert, who just showed up.

Why didn't you do a doggy style hand motion? Well, Tony. Because it's his main cat. Yeah, Gilbert. I was going to say he does it because his wife is jealous of all the pussies. Yeah. Hey, did the cop get fired? No, I didn't say anything about it.

What's his name? A lot of people in the chat room, there's a couple cops in the chat room that want to know what his name is. For the first time, his wife looks concerned about him right now. Don't do it. She's been laughing at his pain the whole time.

Right now, she's like, don't you fucking say that name. There is no way I'm saying that name. What city? Chicago. Do you ever follow up with, do you ever look him up on anything? No, I saw him once on one thing,

and I was like, holy shit, that's the guy who did his things. What a piece of shit, dude. Fuck that guy. Did he at least give you a badge or something afterwards? Like something cool? Baseball card? A ride-along?

Was he like a babysitter or a baby? Well, he was young at the time too. So he must have been molested or something. Yeah Oh, that's okay. And then I went molested everyone So you molest a lot of people a lot of people to this day. She can't keep up. Is that true? Yeah, wait, really? No, I think he's being funny. I can never tell with you, you little goofball. No, I really have to pee. All right, Ryan.

Well, I could sit here and talk to you absolutely forever, but it seems like you're going to pee your pants. Yeah, you can have that. That's yours. He gave it to me. Joel Berg gave it to me. Can I leave you with a little bit, just some words? Yes.

Earlier when I said I was going to pay your tab, I was just kidding. I know you were. No, I'll pay his tab. Bring me that tab. He's still paying his tab. Moshe's paying my tab, goddammit. Thank you, guys. Ryan's really making sure that that tab gets paid. Buy some shots right now.

He has great energy, though. You really, really do. I'd be really interested to see what you'd be like sober sometime. I'd be interested to see It's somber and sad. Do it as an experiment. Yeah, just as an experiment one time. Yeah.

I hate experiments. I just eat acid every day. I can't find any acid up here since I've been here. Yeah, me neither, dude. Well, be careful. You don't want to buy any from an undercover cop. They might suck your dick. I know.

Alright, bye guys. There he goes, Ryan Brankin. That was funny. Not on Twitter. How awesome was that? He was great. Oh, he can play. You kind of missed the note, but that was pretty good. No, that was good.

I mean, Natasha was saying that that was really intense for her, but I honestly think so much painful shit, this is about to be sincere, Tony, so much painful shit happens to so many of us that you have choices to make with that pain, and you can either enjoy it and laugh at it or you can live in it and let it ruin you. Why bother letting it ruin you?

Look at him. His wife's giving him kisses on the cheek. He's got a new scarf from Joel Berg and the guy's smiling ear to ear. Drunk, not drunk, not paying his tab, peeing his pants. I don't give a fuck. With a cool energy like that, we need more people like him. Ryan Brankin one more time. Yeah, that's right, dude.

Fuck the police, dude. Literally, fuck the police. Before he came, was he like, woo, woo? Alright. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Andrea Moore. Here we are. Andrea Moore, ladies and gentlemen. I hope it doesn't show, but I'm very uncomfortable right now.

I just found out I have a UTI. And I don't understand how I got a UTI, you know? Because I always make sure to pee during sex. I went to a basketball recently with this guy I was seeing, and I was really nervous about the kiss cam. You know, it's so humiliating, and we hadn't put a label on ourselves, so I told him, I was like, Listen, Max, if the kiss cam goes on us,

just start fingering me. goes on us, just start fingering me. I'm not homophobic, but I recently found out that there are some guys who won't eat pussy who are gay. Andrea Moore. Hell yeah. There you go. Actual jokes. Yeah.

How you doing, Andrea? Talking to that mic for us. Hello. How's it going? It's good. Is this your first time on the show? No, I was here with Duncan Trussell and David Arquette. Oh, cool.

Yeah. Was that fun? Yeah. You liked me back then. Back then? Yeah, yeah. I Oh, cool. Yeah. Was that fun? Yeah. You liked me back then. Back then? Yeah, yeah. I mean, times have changed. It's been at least a month.

Perfect. I liked your set. I thought it was funny all the way through, but I really liked how in the first joke, you set up a mystery of how did I get the UTI, and in the second joke, the fingering joke, we're like, that's how she got the UTI. That was cool.

It solved itself. Yeah. Is that true? That I always pee during sex? No, that you have a UTI right now. Oh, no, but I did very recently. Yeah. Where are you from?

What's your accent? I have an accent? Well, I'm Jewish. It's not an accent. It's annoying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The old country You can't say the old country dressed like that

You look like a young German daughter that took over one of my great-grandparents' apartments Das gut You do, you look like Hansel and Gretel Oh, thank you Andrea, how long have you been doing stand-up? Two years Two years, and you're from LA? No, you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years. And you're from L.A.?

No, I grew up in the Bay Area. Where are you from? I grew up in Palo Alto. I'm sorry. You're from Palo Alto? I'm not. Wait, why do you appellate? I don't know.

I'm not familiar with Palo Alto humor. I guess she's intimating that she's wealthy. It's like tech. I don't know. It's like Peter Thiel and what's cool about it. It's okay to be rich, honey. He's from Oakland, you know? Yeah. It's like Peter Thiel and what's cool about like he's from Oakland, you know? Yeah.

It's true. What do your parents do? My mom is a financial advisor. Of course she is. There we go. But what does she do for a living? Hilarious. And my dad doesn't work.

He's a stay-at-home Israeli dad. So they have like family money. It's my mom. Okay. Yeah. He's a stay-at-home Israeli dad. So they have family money? It's my mom. Okay. It's your mom. Your dad's kind of hot, younger? He used to be. I saw a picture of him when he was young,

and I was like, ooh, who's that? Whoa, yeah. Daddy, daddy. Very much my type. Ah, interesting. Wait, your dad is your type? A Jewish girl? No, that doesn't make sense. Very much my type. Ah, interesting. Wait, your dad is your type? A Jewish girl? Well, that doesn't make sense.

That doesn't track. You're funny. I like her. Thank you. I don't know if you remember. We were on a show once. Oh, no, I definitely don't. No, I'm just kidding.

What was the show? It was the DSA fundraiser show. Oh, I remember that. Yes, I do remember that. Yes, I remember. You get actual spots around town. You're like a working comedian. Sometimes.

Like why would you do this show? I don't know. I mostly. No offense to me. But you're just going to get roasted. No, I, well. You're on the show, Natasha. I can't possibly be offended.

I mean, no, I just mean like, I thought this was for people who can't get spots. No, I love the audience. It goes both ways. Oh, okay. It's a great audience. I think it's good to be put on the spot. Like, I perform a lot on the east side,

and I always say, like, I kind of feel like doing stand-up in L.A. is sort of like being gay 20 years ago, because people are like, it's fine if you want to do that type of thing. I just, I don't want to see it, you know?

So it's like nice that people are coming out tonight. I really, it's refreshing. Hell yeah. Tony, I love this show. I just, I know,

everything's okay. Everything's good. I realize what your accent is. What is it? Rich. Ah, yeah. Money in the bank. It's the kind of accent I try to affect sometimes.

Hey, I know that. Wait till your special comes out. You'll have it like tomorrow, I think, maybe. They don't pay you when the special comes out. Midnight. Well, obviously, I don't know how things work. Bob Netflix shows up at your house at midnight with two briefcases. That money is already spent, darling.

Do you think Bob Netflix would like this flower crown? Yeah, I'll pitch it to him. Okay. So your mom's rich. She, yes, but she, I don't know. I mean, it's... And you're a democratic socialist. I am, yes.

So you want to kill your own mother. Well, I think she should just pay a shit ton more in taxes. Like, I love my mom, but she doesn't pay enough in taxes. Right. So what does she do? She like shelters at all? Or like she like says that she's donating things and then doesn't ever have to pay? Well, she she manages.

I don't know. She'll like set up IRAs for people. This is must be great for people listening. They're like, oh, this is exactly why I listen to this podcast. You don't think Tony's listeners could use some financial planning advice? Absolutely. Myself included.

Everybody could use a financial advisor. If you're hiring right now, you can go to ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Andrea, what do you do for fun? Let's see.

Well, I have a boyfriend now. I hang out with him sometimes. I make him go places with me. Like where? Where have you made him go with you? Where did I go? I miss having a boyfriend. Like, you can make them do stuff.

Like, I tried to get Moshe to see a French film last night, and we ended up seeing something that was not that. Oh no. We saw the new Joaquin Phoenix. You were never really there, which is kind of a French film anyway. It's not like that was lowbrow fare. At any rate,

this is going nowhere. Moshe, with deaf parents, he's had enough subtitles in his life, alright? Time to move on. It is true that my mom would make us go to foreign films a lot when we were young because they- I know, right? Speaking of foreign films, Andrea, why are you dressed like a mime?

It's a great, it's okay. Honestly, I thought I wasn't going to get pulled because I, you know, it's a numbers game. Luck of the draw, sure. And I was like, I never wear this and no one's going to see me tonight. So I should just wear like a shirt that I still, I'm not going to give it away. Right, because you're Jewish. I want to get some use out of it.

Yeah, of course. So, and then I thought I could dress it down with some heels, but I don't know. Wow. You be the judge of this. Listen to the throat clearing that took place there. So, what have you done for fun with your boyfriend? I never really got an answer. Yeah.

Well, we sometimes have sex. Whoa. Whoa. That's crazy. And then we went to the beach. What's your favorite position? I guess. Financially viable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Probably when I'm yelling at him. I want to say that a lot of people... I remember you from that show. That was very funny. And you were funny there and you were funny tonight. But a lot of people on that deep east side alternative woke comedy scene

think of the comedy store as this like persona non grata. I think it's pretty dope that you came to not only the store but also like kind of the most potential for rawness coming your way.

I think that makes to me that makes you like a person that's a real comedian that's willing to mix it up. She makes that so much. That's why she's here. And you guys are very well known for that

in the comedy community too. Like you I mean like especially no offense Natasha because you're a big comedian. But Moshe is known as like, it's crazy because you really cross the streams

completely. That's how you got that UTI. No, but it's true and you have to or you're going to be bad on one side or bad on the other. I've always thought that it's funny that the Far East considers this place clickish and sort of bullyish. Because every time I go to shows down there, I'm always just sort of standing by myself. They're not like, Tony!

Right, exactly. Everybody's just hanging out with scarves and glasses and shit. Well, it gets cold. Hell yeah, it does. It's a cold side of town. Alright, Andrea. Well, it was nice to see you again. Anything else for Andrea, guys?

Well, I mean, since your mom's paying for stuff, you just go up every night. Yeah, basically. I mean, again, I just want to emphasize, like, I think the rich should be taxed way more. Like, I am well emphasize, I think the rich should be taxed way more. I am well off. I think you guys should also be. Very nice.

You know what? I've got a bill for a couple of cocktails coming your way tonight. Look at that. I've got to go. There she goes, Andrea Moore, ladies and gentlemen. She's on Twitter at more or less. More underscore or less. We're moving through it. I like that energy where people want to

put effort into their careers and they want to work hard. Absolutely. You're going to meet Malcolm in a little bit, our new regular. He does multiple spots a night, lives in his car next to a gym. It's a whole crazy story and he's like multiple spots a night lives in his car and next to a gym it's like a whole crazy story and he's a fucking killer I remember I pulled this name recently and he

wasn't here but blacklisting really doesn't exist and I remember getting a message from him on some social media platform saying that he was going to the bathroom or something like that. So I'm going to say his name anyway. Put your hands together for Go. Go? Oh, he missed his spot. Oh, wait. Here comes Go. Here comes Go. Hey, dude, what are you doing?

Get off, Michael Phelps. Jesus Christ. Are you Go? Wait, what's your name? No, he's blacklisted never to be on this show again. What's your Twitter handle? Somebody steal my fucking name! Go, relax, relax, relax.

This show is insane right now. And this is insane! Wait, there's two people named Go? Go, is your name Go? Okay, what, relax. This show is insane right now. And this is insane. There's two people named Go. Is your name Go? Okay, what's your Twitter handle? Okay, whoever that is, you're a piece of shit. Let me tell ya.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Go. Go. Come on, you guys can do better than that. It's Go. Somebody just tried to steal his fucking identity. Fucking hell! Let me tell you, because life's been rough lately.

There's been entirely too much clocking the bitches and slapping the hoes lately. Entirely too much jockeying the bitches and slapping the hoes. And if you think that's sexist, in this particular scenario, I'm the bitch, I slap of the hose. And if you think that's sexist, in this particular scenario, I'm the bitch, I'm the hoe.

It's horrible. I met this girl, and I'm used to getting, you know, like, they give me the phone number, you know, and you're walking away, you know, you look at the number 666-6666. This time the girl gave me a real number. Real number. And this girl isn't just like any girl. She's the type of girl that, you know, like you turn into a 14-year-old again.

You know, you're talking to the girl and you're going like, Oh, so and y'all. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. You know, it's hard for a woman because a woman has to get particularly sloshy before you notice it. But with a guy, you know, it's like, oh. And I'm trying. Anyway, thank you.

Fuck yeah. Go. Wow. This is definitely your first time on the show. Yeah, that's my first time doing comedy. Wow. There you go. Tonight.

Tonight. Tonight. Wow. You you go. Tonight. Tonight. Wow, he said tonight. The comedians just tried to burn him at the stake. They're like, we've seen you bomb everywhere, bro. They're all fucking jackals. I mean comedians. Please stop.

All right, go. Just relax. Answer the questions honestly, okay? You ready to go? I'm ready. How old are you? All right. I'm 30.

Boo. I had a feeling you were going to try to be funny on all these responses. Really? 59? I'll be like you, Tony. I'll be serious. No, just be honest. What's the value in that?

The truth will come out. Be funny. Be fucking funny. Oh, fair enough, Tony. I think you tried to be funny tonight, Go, and what you needed to be was a little more honest. But it's okay. Let's just stay in the pocket here. I haven't seen a man wearing

a beret in a very long time. Hey, what was John Lennon like? Go. What made you want to start doing... How long have you been doing stand-up? Off and on since 1987. 1987 is when you started. Where did you start

stand-up comedy? Minneapolis. Minneapolis. Wow. Interesting. And why off and on? Because I found other ways that were less painful, I guess. Other ways of expressing yourself? Yes.

Like what? Art? Yes. Painting? Drawing? Music? No, no. Music. Music. You play with a band? No. Painting? Drawing? Music? No, no. Music. Music. You play with a band? No. Solo? Correct. Jazz?

No. A little bit. I play a little bit of everything. I play notes and chords, I would say. That's how I would say it. Notes and chords. Well, that's one way of putting it. Wow. Is the duct tape in between your glasses,

is that out of necessity, or is that like a look or like a joke? It's to see if people will address it. Because nerds are back and I love it. Hell yeah. Well, I love the boldness of a fashy haircut. I love this. It's definitely not a fashy haircut. But it's cool because you're secure enough

that you can wear the hair that you want. I'm also named Moshe Kasher, so no one's mistaking me for a National Socialist. Yeah, that's why I love the Moshe with the fashy haircut. I like that. I liked it. Thank you. It's bold.

Let's not deny, though, his first joke was pretty funny. Yeah. What was it again? What did you say? He said there's been entirely too much talk. Jock and the bitch. Well, it's kind of hard to go.

It's a long story. You had to be there, Tony. No, yeah, totally. Jock and the bitch is not happening. You started in 1987. Then you went off and on. We know you spent some time as the cryptkeeper. And now you're back in it.

What has you back in it again? I quit comedy for the wrong reason. What was the wrong reason? What was I... Is he going to be a cunt throughout this? No, it's okay. Go. You have a real attitude on you.

You know that, you little shit? What the fuck? Okay, I'll just be like Tony. Okay, let's sell some Sprite. By the way, the reason that I quit is because I found ways that were... Sell Sprite? There we go. By the way, Tony, I don't like the energy right now,

but his impression of you was fucking spot on. I'm going to sell some Sprite? When have I sold Sprite? You do be selling Sprite, though. You always be selling Sprite, Tony. Yeah, I hear you're selling Sprite. You're right. Does anybody want some Sprite? It's like for the Paul Lind of Ohio,

you know. You gotta give some Sprite. How do you know all this information about me? I figured it was going to kind of get like this. I figured that you were going to go young town with me. I mean, you are very defensive. I could see why you're such a complex character.

What do you mean? What was the question that you threw him off on with the Gnarls Barkley? Please just let me be the fucking asshole, okay? Come on, everybody. It's just I'm a loving asshole. Anyway, I got you, Tony.

I got you, Tony. The question you asked him was what was the wrong reason to quit comedy? Yeah. What was it? Because I found less painful ways to exist. And comedy is a special type of pain. And yeah, especially if you're fucking going outside the seams

or whatever, or if you're fucking going outside the seams or whatever. Or if you have attitude. Wow. We got skinny Kinison over here. Attitude doesn't sell the Sprite. You know, you gotta sell that Sprite. What is the Sprite reference? No, but literally, it's Sam Kinison if he hadn't died and just kept shooting up.

It's the love that I feel for you. Oh, oh, oh! He wasn't saying oh, oh, oh. He was saying go, go, go! Go, how have you made a living? What did you do? Music. You call that living?

And how did you get the name Go? Oh, shit. Look at that. Go just dropped some money name Go? Oh, shit. Look at that. Go just dropped some money. Wow. Oh, shit. He's taking it back. Where did it go?

There you go. All right, go. Fuck. Anyway. Thought I made 20 bucks. What else do you do other than music and comedy once every few years? I'm impacted by music a lot. I love to dance. Really? I'm impacted by music a lot. I love to dance.

Really? I would love to see you dance. I'm working on a graphic novel. Would you do a little dance move for us here? Give me some funk. There you go. Give him some funk. This is...

I think that's a little closer to Kenny G. How's that? Is that good for you? Okay. Oh. Wow. This is one of the scariest things I've ever seen in my life. For those of you listening to the podcast, he's a lot of a...

We need to pop and lock you up. Wait, so you're like an up-rock dude? I started pop-locking in 1978. Wow. We've got a white rerun over here. Crazy. Very good reference. I applaud you on that.

Is Go your dancing name? No, no. Oh, that's your Christian name. It's not my dancing name. It applaud you on that. Is Go your dancing name? No, no. Oh, that's your Christian name. It's not my dancing name. It's just... Interesting. That's a long, tangled path that we're on. You know, what I like about you, Go,

is that you take just a second to learn, but a lifetime to master. It's a Go joke. What scares you in life, Go? What are some of your fears? Fear? Yeah. I absolutely hate fear. Any sort of fear I don't like. Alright, you are one of the

worst interviews I've ever had on this show. It's bright, bro. Okay, well, I just don't I just don't see what you want. You say be fucking honest. Let me give you an example. Let me give you an example, Go.

Tell me how I should answer the questions to satisfy you, Tony. I already did, Go. It's honesty. I am being fucking honest. I don't like fucking fear. Dude, if you want to satisfy Tony, get some Sprite, motherfucker.

Until you buy some Sprite from me. Obey your thirst, idiot. Anybody got a Sprite? My kingdom for a Sprite. I didn't realize turtles drank Sprite, Go. Fucking twat. You know what he looks like? That Art Institute of America

where you draw the turtle. There you go. Send it back. All right, Go. I'm just going to keep moving along. Great. All right, there he goes. Go.

Ladies and gentlemen, time for you. Very defensive. Was afraid I was going to roast him. Tony, you and Go had really bad energy. Yeah, I know. Really bad chemistry. I'm telling you. He's really, there's something.

In his defense, a cop made him suck his dick when he was a kid. Yeah, I think so bad chemistry. I'm telling you he's really there's something in his defense a cop made him suck his dick Me too you think I like saying it again I Had to do something now. I'm so curious about fake go I like it was that a Jeremiah character Like what was that honestly it seemed about the same. Did you see him? Jeremiah character? Like, what was that? Honestly, it seemed about the same. Did you see him?

Do you think that... You were very hostile, Tony, towards the fake Go. Do you think that he was just lying? No, I think that was the real Go. No, fake Go. Fake Go was lying, yes. Yeah, the fake Go was lying because that Go passed the Twitter test. He's on Twitter.

You got wisdom. The letter you got wisdom. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Yeah. It's a funny idea to come up and steal someone else's spot because it's like, what's going to happen? You're going to kill so hard that you get attention

and then it's like, oh, actually, it wasn't me the entire time. We had it happen recently. We had to just edit the whole guy's set out. So it's just like, dude, you just got blacklisted and no one saw it. Yeah. Fair enough. There you go. Real momentum there coming around the corner.

And we have a new name out of the bucket. I pulled it out. It is Andrew Rose. Here we go. Here he is. Holy shit. What's up, everybody? Awesome. So I went to...

I went to Chipotle the other day and I was sitting there and the guy in front of me was kind of a bigger dude. He's wearing like a trucker vest and these cargo shirts and a cargo hat. You know, the lady behind the counter said, you know, what kind of rice would you like? He goes, I'll get white rice. And I go, you know, white is better. He goes, yeah! I go, not what I meant. But speaking of racism, when they announced that Harriet Subman was going to be on the 20,

60 members of the KKK killed themselves. That's a good start. I was like, well, if that's the case, let's keep it going. We'll get Martin Luther King on the 100. We'll get Malcolm X on the 50. We'll get Malcolm X on the $50. We'll get Morgan Freeman on the $10. He's pretty dope. We're going to do $0.50, obviously, on the quarter.

We're going to do Jay-Z on the dime, Tupac on the nickel. Then we're going to put Kanye on the penny because he's worthless. Listen to better music. I'm sorry. Put a can of Coke in water, it'll sink. Put a can of Diet Coke in water, it'll float. And you put a can of PBR in water, still a shitty beer. Andrew Rose.

Talking about cans of Coke, cans of PBR. What about Sprite, dude? I know. I should have switched to Sprite. That was disrespectful not to mention that. When's the last time you had a delicious can of Sprite? Can't tell you. It's really good.

Refreshing. Since 1978. I would love to see this turn into a Sprite sponsorship for you. This would be so cool. We're actually sponsored by Squirt. God damn it. All you do, Tony, is sell Sprite. What the fuck?

Did you hear after the weirdest insult in 11 years at the comedy store? Idiot! You fucking Sprite seller! Fucking lemon lime son of a bitch! There's no such fruit as limon! He's mad because he has scurvy. Andrew, fuck yeah, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me.

So here we are. Is this your first time on? Yes, it is. Where are you from? Oklahoma originally. I live here now. How long have you lived here? Since September.

Since September. How's that been going for you? Not too bad, you know, just... Live alone? Say that again? You live alone? No, I've got two roommates. Are they comedians too?

Yes, they are. Wow. Where'd you live when you found them? I knew them before. Are they comedians too? Yes, they are. Wow. Where'd you live when you found them? I knew them before I came out here. Oh, okay, cool. Was that a joke when you were like, what's up everybody? Great. Yes.

Oh, okay, good. You meant to not hear their response. Yes. That's cool. Good. Just kind of like a... You never know on this show. Obviously, if the last guy proves anything. A lot of people are accidentally funny on this show.

Andrew, how long have you been doing stand-up? Five and a half years, six in your life. On almost all of that in Oklahoma, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what do you do for work? I'm a cook. Wow, where are you a cook at? Right now, I work at Wahlburgers right down the street.

Wahlburgers. Now, that is the restaurant owned by... Why are you guys laughing at his job? It's fantastic swing by... Mark Wahlberg's right? Who owns it? Yeah, it's Mark Wahlberg and Donnie and his brother.

Paul is the chef. Let's face it, the owner is really Mark Wahlberg. I don't think Donnie threw in an equal amount of ownership for that. Is that fine dining? Not in the slightest. It's fantastic food though. It's just casual. Come in, sit down. We do have servers. Have you ever had Mark Wahlberg come in?

He's been there two or three times. Wow! Have you cooked for him? In a roundabout way, yeah. I made his fries. So, no? No, he didn't cook for him. He could just feel the vibration. Have you done steroids with him before? No. He hasn't invited me.

Wow. Interesting. So, what's your favorite Have you done steroids with them before? No, he hasn't invited me. Quite sad. Wow. Interesting. So what's your favorite person that you have cooked for at Wahlburgers? Favorite? Hell, I don't know. I mean, DJ Khaled was in there with him the other day. That was kind of cool.

Wow. He's like, another one. Another one. Yeah. Wait, it's called Wahlburgers? It's called Wahlburgers, yeah. Oh, God. I didn't name it. What's your favorite thing on the menu?

Chicken sandwich. Chicken sandwich. You answered that very quickly. Oh, I get asked a lot. Is it bad? All right. No, the burgers are fantastic. It's just, it's my favorite.

Of course. Sounds like you really have beef with them, though. Come on. Come on. Very good, yeah. Toneburg. Something on. Come on. Very good. Yeah. Toneberg. Something like that? Yeah.

So, Andrew, what else has been going on in L.A.? You do anything else for fun? Any hobbies? Anything like that? Got a girlfriend? No, no girlfriend. I do play guitar and music. Oh, yeah?

You play the old notes and chords? Yes, I do. Notes and chords. Or as everyone else calls it, music. Fucking piece of shit. I'll and go. Oh, yeah, you play the old notes and chords. Yes, I do. Notes and chords. Or as everyone else calls it, music. Fucking piece of shit. I'll take that. Aw. Look at you.

You're so funny. Honestly, I think having a baby has been terrible for me because now I just keep imagining everyone is a baby and I feel so sad. It was easy with Go because he looked exactly like a baby. Exactly. But it was really hard with the guy who said that the nanny fucked his

face. So, you know, now I'm like Look, he's loving it though. He's smiling ear to ear. He's happy that the cop fucked his mouth. Wait, what? There you go. He keeps staring at your forehead. Andrew, you ever have anything terrible happen to you? What's the most traumatic

thing that's happened to you in your life? Nothing creepy. I did have open heart surgery when I was 16. See, every comedian has something. Wow, that's intense. Yeah. And you're okay now? I still have the condition, and I've got a pacemaker, so there's that. Crazy.

Do you have to sleep with the pacemaker? It's in his body. I don't have a choice in that. It's a forever pacemaker, Natasha. I thought it was like an oxygen tank. Duh! No, no, no, no. It's not.

I wish. That's funny. Sorry. Wow. What did they say was your heart condition? I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. Basically, it's an enlargement in part of the heart. Whoa, I have that, but in my dick.

It's like a slightly different hypertrophic dick, Jewish dick. Do you guys serve that with cheese at Wahlburgers? You have to get it replaced in a couple years, don't you? Pacemaker. I actually got it switched out two or three years ago. Does that new one have Bluetooth and shit like that? Is it cool?

I don't know. Do they have them with Bluetooth? Yeah, I think they have all this new shit on them now. They possibly do. I don't know. Do you... Hotspot. You don't really listen to rap music that much, though, right?

Rap music, it kind of depends. I mean, a little bit. I mean, more classic stuff. Right, but you don't really listen to rap music. No, no, no, not at all. Right. You want to know how I know that? Because of the joke I did?

Yeah, because you insulted Kanye West. I completely understand. You son of a bitch. Piece of shit. You put 50 Cent ahead of Kanye West. I completely understand. Son of a bitch. Piece of shit. You put 50 Cent ahead of Kanye West. Do you not know anything of what he's done for music at all? Nothing, huh? No, not really.

You even put Jay-Z way above him when Kanye is the one that produced his hit albums. Did you know that, you son of a bitch? No, I didn't. I hate you more than Go. No, I don't hate you more than Go. Idiot. No. Go is my arch nemesis from here on out.

Stop. That's a good arch nemesis because you've already won. Yeah. Right. He's like a golden arch nemesis. Oh, Jesus. All right. No, come back.

Come back. Although I got to say, in Go's defense, he did stand up to you. It's true. It's true. And in spite of all that. Oh, thank you, Moshe. Andrew. Sorry, Andrew.

We needed two segments to roast you. Oh, no, no, no. I'm totally down for it. I'm enjoying this. I love it. Do you have anything you want to add? No, not that it would be funny enough. Andrew, so you're

a cook. You haven't been on any dates or anything like that. Did you leave a loved one back in Oklahoma? No, I wasn't dating anybody before I left. I kind of knew that I'd plan on coming out here so I tried not to get into any relationships. Right, right. You didn't want to give your heart to anybody.

Yeah. Anyone make your heart skip a beat? Yeah. You could talk about that. It would make people listen, you know, if you talk about having open heart surgery. Oh, I do. It's in my act.

Oh, it is? Okay, I'm sorry. I haven't been to one of your shows. Obviously. Clearly. No one knows who I am, so that makes absolute sense. Where in Oklahoma were you from?

Nobody cares about any place in Oklahoma, Moshe. That is also factually true. I'm from open heart Oklahoma. Andrew, what's your means of transportation? I have a car. What kind? A Ford Escape. Wow, Ford Escape, like what you did to Oklahoma City, Dave. Straight up escaped it, bro.

Yeah. What are you afraid of? Let's see if I can get an answer out of you. Open heart surgery. What am I afraid of? Honestly, not to sound whatever. I don't know. I'm afraid of not.

If you really want to answer the question like a dick, say fear. I'm afraid of fear, bro. All right. I'm just afraid of not accomplishing what I want to. Not like spiders or whatever, but just going after something and I'm just afraid of it not working out. It's comedy. It's flipping a fucking coin you don't know. Right, or flipping fucking burgers in your life.

You know what I mean? You got picked tonight, though, so maybe it's working out. Yeah, valid point. It worked out for you for sure. It worked out like medium, medium. It worked out medium, medium well. He works at a burger joint. Alright, Andrew. We're going to keep moving

along. There he goes, Andrew Rose. Alright, here we go. We have a regular on this show every single week. He does a brand new minute. He's probably not only the most popular regular comedian we've had on this show. Every single week he does a brand new minute. He's probably not only the most popular regular comedian we've had on this show, he's a fucking anomaly. We absolutely love him

here. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is. It's Malcolm Hatchet, everybody. What is up? Damn. I love girls who always talking about their boyfriends. Yeah. My boyfriend would have held the door for me.

My boyfriend would have paid for me. My boyfriend would have pumped my gas. My boyfriend would have ate my ass. I'm like, I love your boyfriend because obviously he ain't fucking you right because you still fucking with me. Unprotected. he ain't fucking you right because you still fucking with me. Unprotected. I'm not going to eat your ass, bitch, because you eat too much Chipotle.

Ever since I became homeless, I wake up early. So early, I see the mailman hanging out at the 7-Eleven. If you catch a mailman hanging out at the 7-Eleven any minute after eight, that nigga is late for work. Or, Ms. Johnson told him to get some Collins before he delivers. Fuck yeah. Another new minute from Malcolm Hatchett. I love that.

So funny. There's definitely more to add to that Chipotle thing. I'm not exactly sure. I just made it up back there. I love that. Do you like to eat ass in real life? Hell no. What?

Why not? Fire. Why not? Fire? Yeah, you said something about fire. If you don't want to answer it, I was listening. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Oh, fear. Fear. Was it fear?

Fear, yeah. My bad. Fire. I should have stayed in school. Damn it. Ah, no. Staying in school wouldn't have helped you with that one. Fear, fire. That would have made more sense. What's your biggest fear? Fire. I am afraid of fire.

It is hot and I will burn. That is a great answer. How are you homeless and look like you walked out of a Supreme store? Because they be, because like people like them on me and shit. Oh, really? Yeah, this is, this is. He's getting paid from the fair base. You are talking about a sensation here.

He comes on every week and he kills. And one of the cool things he actually does throughout the day on Instagram, he shows himself quitting jobs. He gets, like, temp jobs and he quits straight up. And he quits on Instagram. How do we follow you on Instagram? Malcolm H12.

That's funny. That's a funny idea. And another cool thing he does is he takes us into the thrift store with him. So he'll take a few bucks into, like, a thrift store, and he picks out his outfit for the day. He does spots after that. You look cool. He has such great content on his Instagram stories, the top round part.

I mean, it's incredible. I can't get enough. He got called the N-word last week from a white lady, and instead of being mean or loud or aggressive, he just roasted the shit out of her slowly. He just told her to lay down. And it's live on your Instagram? On my Instagram.

On your stories? On my stories, yeah. Somebody called you the N-word because what? I mean, I know why, but because... What was the... Damn, but like because What was the Damn that hurt What was the reason Well I was hosting the mic at Flappers

And after the mic she came up to me She was like hey man you a funny nigga And she kept saying it Bitch you ugly Did she ER or was it an A Flappers Flappers F be... Flappers. Oh, no, she said E-R. That's crazy. Flappers. Flappers.

Flappers. Flappers. She was drunk, too. Oh, Joel Berg, I fucking love you. Flappers. Flappers. That is crazy.

Was she insane or was she like... She from Kentucky, so I should have... Okay. Wow, that's crazy. I found out after the fact. I'm so sorry, man.

I should have knew. Hell yeah. Malcolm, you quit any jobs this week? Nah, I just been hanging up when they told me to come in Yeah, you're not even doing temp jobs anymore Now that you're making the Venmo money from Kill Tony fans I'm reading books now, what the fuck? What are you reading? Huh?

What are you reading? I'm reading a Mike Els book right now called Unsuccessful Thug And who is it by? Mike Epps Oh, by Mike Epps. Oh, cool, cool. And you just finished the Tiffany Haddish book. Mike Epps is my favorite author.

I'm glad you brought him up. He crazy. I love it. Tiffany's story is pretty insane, huh? You've got a crazy story, too. This is cool. I like this.

Yeah. He was making me laugh backstage. That's the thing about comedians. They're got a crazy story too. This is cool. I like this. He was making me laugh backstage. That's the thing about comedians. They're just funny people. One of the things that I really loved is that there's so many true statements that you said as your setups.

Sleeping in your car, you wake up early. That shit is absolutely true because you wake up when the sun comes up. Period. That's pretty much just how it works. Your air conditioner doesn't just pop on. My shit don't even work. Like, that shit is absolutely true because you wake up when the sun comes up, period. That's pretty much just how it works. Your air conditioner doesn't just pop on. My shit don't even work. Right.

Your air conditioner doesn't work? Wow. Have you ever gotten harassed in the car for sleeping in it? I got jokes about it, but, I mean, not really. Friends at the plane that finish be knocking on my window be like, nigga, wake up. They just playing, but not really. Friends come by. Because you have friends that also are comedians that sleep in their car.

No, no, they do music. Oh, they do music. Oh, is that what the goofy Indian guy does? Oh, okay. Wait, you're in a network? Huh? You're in a network of cars? No, no, no. It's sort of a gang that just sort of sleep in their cars, but not together.

But they park next to each other. There's a lot of them. Joelberg is on fire. That was good. And with Jeremiah's haircut, nonetheless. Wait, what happened to Jeremiah? He had to

do a JFL callback showcase. How about that? That's where you'll be in a year. Jeremiah, hell yeah. You'll be Jeremiah in a year. You should definitely talk about being homeless as much as you can on stage because it'll make people want to save you

and give you opportunities. And not only that, it's not going to be true in like a month. It's true. You're like running out of time on this incredibly unique story. And another really cool thing is that today I was hit up by the official Comedy Store photographer,

an amazing, amazing photographer by the name of Troy Conrad, and he said that he's going to give you a full round of fucking new headshots. How about that shit? How cool is that? Tony, you're a savior. I know. Getting real pictures taken. Not easy when you sleep in your car., you're a savior. I know. Getting real pictures taken. Not easy when you sleep in your car.

Unless they're fucking selfies. So you have a car that you can sleep in. I would sleep in a car. Would you now? What kind of car would you do it? Rolls Royce or Bentley, of course. Oh, I thought you meant car bed. It makes the experience seem more doable.

That's all I'm saying. Where are you from? I know everybody knows this already. Sorry. North Carolina. experience seem more doable. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. Where are you from? I know everybody knows this already. Sorry. North Carolina. North Carolina. Cool. Amazing, amazing.

North Carolina. Petey Pablo in the house. I love it. And you write a lot of jokes and you go up all the time? Yeah, write, go up, read. Every night you go up? Yeah, every night. Cool.

And where do you park? Wherever my car pulls over. But like there's not a place? Yeah, every night. Cool. And where do you park? Wherever my car pulls over. But, like, there's not a place? No, no. Is it automated? This motherfucker's sleeping in an automated Tesla? It decides. Well, right now, I'm, like, in a crib until, like, May 1st.

Then it's back to the hoopty. But I park, like, in Planet Fitness parking lot. But sometimes, like, at the Laugh Factory, there's a neighborhood over there. So I can be, like, near. I just, wherever. Lay down. Wow. Look at that.ugh Factory, there's a neighborhood over there. I can be near wherever. Lay down. Wow, look at that. That's his slogan. One of his slogans. If you do something dumb in front of him,

he tells you to lay down. Lay down. You must have fucked in that car, right? Nah, we did, yeah, one time. No, no. Yes, once, yes. Interesting. Alright, Malcolm, well, you. Interesting. All right, Malcolm.

Well, you did it again. Very fun stuff. There he is. Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen. You got to see him here live. Tony, you met Malcolm from this show? Yeah. How did you know to...

He's sitting on the left side because I'm curious, but how did you know to go, like, okay, you'll be the next regular? I had him, we pulled him out of the bucket one time, and then a week later, he was here and he signed up, and I noticed him sitting around, but he didn't get pulled out of the bucket,

and I really wanted to see him again, because he killed the first time, so the next week, I just brought him up as a special guest, and I think that took that many times. It was either the second or I think I brought him up one more time the next week for the third time and I just couldn't

help myself. I was going to wait until the five year anniversary episode on June 18th but I said fuck it in the moment. I was waiting for him to respond with something not funny on the third time if you ever look back on it when I make him a regular. I kept doing this thing because I'm like maybe I shouldn't fucking do this or maybe I should wait.

But every time I asked him another question, he had another funny answer. So I'm like, fuck it. His first album would be called Pulled Out of the Bucket While Living in My Bucket. Every time it came on, though, I gave him a show at the Ice House and he destroyed theirs. Then we had him emcee the improv Joe Rogan

show the other day. Fucking destroyed it. Doing a full set. He's really doing it. I mean, he's the real deal. And the fact is that he's putting out content in a really interesting way with the Instagram stories and shit, which I think is so hard for a comedian to usually do, whether it's a podcast or this or that.

It's sort of like the tedious thing that we don't want to do while writing, and he's just doing it naturally with his real life. So it's sort of like a flowing reality show that he controls and directs and gives you real insight on it. It's going to be really fun to watch his career eclipse mine. That's going to be great. Yeah.

Let's go back to the bucket again, shall we? One last time. What do you say? Are you into it? Did Chroma Chris quit? What happened to Chroma Chris? He went to go pee. Oh, there you go.

You guys excited to go to the bucket one more time? All right. Put your hands together for Alice Rose. Here we go. Here she comes. Alice Rose. I'm not a huge fan of the sound of my own voice because I know that in combination with the way that I talk,

I don't sound like the blackest person who ever lived. That is no more apparent than when I am using the N-word in public. People tend to freak out. I will just be in the store with my little sister, and she's an adult, but she's like 5'1". She'll be like, Alice, could you grab me that Gatorade off the top shelf? I can't reach it.

And I'll just be like, get your own Gatorade, nigger. And then they freak out. And I'm like, you guys, it's cool. I mean, they freak out if I'm in Whole Foods if I'm in Walmart they're just like you tell them and they keep walking I told that joke to one of my friends and my friend goes Gatorade nigger sounds like the worst flavor of Gatorade and I said no Gatorade nigger sounds like a job. Welcome to the team, Johnson.

There's Coach Curtis. That's Assistant Coach Michaels. There's a Gatorade nigger, and that's the ball boy. Boom. Alice Rose. Wow. Holy shit. She got a standing ovation over there.

Look at this. A real Kill Tony moment. Malcolm X. Wow. Wow. It's because I've been putting my name in that bucket for goddamn four months waiting to get up. Really? Is that true?

Every week for four months. You are one funny comedian. You are really good. Yeah. You're like Malcolm X chromosome. You're going to be Lionel Richie someday. Oh, my God. Thank you.

I'm going to live on that compliment for months. Well, that was straight up funny. It was amazing. That was really, really great. Real, real funny stuff. Where are you from? Portland, Oregon. Portland, Oregon.

How long have you been here in L.A.? Two years. Two years. How long have you been doing stand L.A.? Two years. Two years. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like around a year-ish. Around a year-ish. What do you do for work? I'm a nanny.

Wow. Oh, shoot. Uh-oh. Look at this. We're about to become your benefactors like Malcolm. As long as you're okay with being called the help. No, no, no. We won't call you.

We'll call you Gatorade Nanny. I will take it. Fuck. We'll call you Sprite Chick. In the current job, how old are the kids that you're nannying for? It's just one kid. He's a little over a year old. It's the fucking best.

I love it. Yeah? What's his name? His name's Noah. Noah? That would be awesome if you didn't know his name. Why is it the best? Oh, he's just like a super sweet kid. He's like super chill, takes his

fucking naps on time. It's great. He puts two of every animal on the ark. It's pretty amazing. How much time do the just, I'm wondering as a new mom, how much time when you hire a nanny do you have to hang out with... Does the mom hang out with the kid? That's a good question.

Very good. I see what's going on here. This makes sense. I watch the kid like nine hours a day, five days a week. And then is the mom there for other times? Or does she have another shift of a nanny? It's like at what point do you call CPS? I guess is what we're wondering.

How many spots at the comedy store can you do? I just got a little personal. So nine hours a day. What time do you start? 9 a.m. and I'm done at 6. Okay. Yeah. Just wondering.

That's fun. What'd you do before that? Oh, I did two years at Walmart. Fuck, that was bad. Wow. Look at you now using it? Oh, no. I did two years at Walmart. Fuck, that was bad. Wow, look at you now using it as a punchline. I like that. Wow, that's interesting, Alice. What do you do for fun? Any fun hobbies

or anything like that? You ever fly kites? Fly kites? Fly kites? Or drink sprites. Yeah, fly kites, drink sprites. I just want to say, I'm not trying to sweat you too hard, but I've been, I don't know, how many times do you think I've done Kill Tony? Like 10, 20?

How many episodes? Yeah. Have I done? Probably about 15. For me, 7 to 15, somewhere in that range. For me, that was the strongest top to bottom minute I've seen a person from the bucket. For me, just for me. I think.

That was like really funny. Tony, maybe you could have a person from the bucket. For me, just for me. I think. That was really funny. Tony, maybe you could have a woman be the... It's all been women. It's been all women, yes. She's a huge fan of the podcast. We're actually sick of the women. But what about her coming for, you know,

to be in... Yeah, no, absolutely. Maybe you can put her on your next special. And the new season of... Hot Tubbin'. Yes. It's called Tubbin' with Tosh. That's what I meant. No, but she was...

Do you have other jokes that are that strong? I mean, that one's definitely the one people always talk to me about, but... Yeah, I have, like, a reliably funny material. I've got, like, 25-ish minutes. Wow, that's awesome oh do you think that nannying for a one-year-old makes you want to have a kid more or not want to have a kid more uh nannying made me want to have kids more but then my friends that are like my same age and my same tax bracket having kids made me want to have kids less

right so so yeah yeah joelberg i just had an honest question why'd you sell out han solo at having kids made me want to have kids less. Right. So, yeah. Yeah. Joelbert? I just had an honest question. Why'd you sell out Han Solo? Oh, man. Wow. Wow. I knew it was racist, but I didn't know how. It's a Lando Calrissian.

It's not racist. I'm brown. It's fine. Billy D. Williams I believe you're referencing. Also, I like your shoes. Thank you. Pay less. Cheaper shit. Hell yeah. She looks hot though. She's confident. Any other ways that you are thrifty with money? You have Payless

shoes. I'm always intrigued by that type of stuff. Oh, no. The family in Nanny 4 is fucking rich. I get paid a lot, so. Wow. They really take care of you. Can I ask, what are you supposed to pay a nanny by the hour? I'm just curious.

Good question. 25? Honestly, in LA, it's like 17 to 25-ish. 17 to 25. Whatever your Coke money is. We've been pretty lucky. We just take a pickup down to Home Depot and get

four for five bucks each. They're like, I don't do this kind of work. I'm like, just sit in the room. We'll be back in a minute. We gotta go do Kill Tony. Wow. Okay, you're hired as our nanny. Yeah.

That's all I needed. Look at that. Nanny Ramirez over here. Alice, what types of, did I ask you hobbies? What did you answer there? What did you do for fun? The conversation trail. Hobbies, I just do stand-up, and I like writing, and I go for long walks.

Where do you go for long walks to? Just around my apartment complex. Around the apartment complex? Yeah, where's your apartment complex? What time do you go on a walk? What time frame are we looking at exactly? Can I see your keychain? There's no mace on that, right?

And we have nannies only a specific time, so just making sure the walk happens then. No, I have a taser I've never used, so don't worry. Oh, shit. Never had to use it, huh? No, not yet. What scares you, Alice? Oh, like spiders repelling down on my face while I'm sleeping, going outside barefoot and then accidentally stepping on a slug,

and someone hiding in my car is like a joke to surprise me, but then they hear me have an anxiety attack which I do in the car damn she was ready for that question that was like you worked at Wahlburger and somebody asked you your favorite sandwich I thought you were gonna say stormtroopers he's not gonna let it go the empire strikes back

alright Alice anything else if you were if uh if you were going to write a book about your life so far what do you think the most compelling chapter would be about uh both my parents are my mom is white my dad is black and they both hate black people so probably a lot of that shit wait wait wait wait, wait, wait. Okay, here we go. Fucking perfect. This podcast just got 25 minutes longer. Yeah, it did. So, your dad's black, and you're saying that he hates black people? He's a real Ben Carson-ass

motherfucker. Wow. Wow. Wow. He's still together? Yeah. Wow, wow, wow. What does your dad do for a living? He works for... Oh, wow. This is... What does your dad do for a living? He works for...

Oh, I shouldn't say it. Never mind. Oh, yeah, don't. I don't want to get him in any sort of fucking trouble, so... Right. Is it like an organization? Can you say what the profession is? It's an organization.

It's an old fraternal organization. They come in on horseback. They really like flames. Like, is he a doctor? It's John Legendary. He works with computers and shit. Okay. Ah.

Wow. Starbucks. What's your mom do? She runs a daycare center. And what makes you say they both hate black people? What have you heard them say? What makes you say that? Let's go to Starbucks.

Other than the N word. Oh, man. Yeah. Okay. So my mom one time actually found out like a year ago that my mom moved us my mom and dad moved us out of a house that we were living in because the two families that moved in on either side were also black and they didn't want us to like in portland yeah two black families moved to portland yeah wow yeah i'm pretty sure like the only reason they got in the neighborhood is like because my white mom came first with like her black husband or five little nigglets and they were like oh we'll let anyone okay I

take back my compliment from earlier I thought it was ironic the Gatorade joke I didn't realize it comes from a real place no I they're like super conservative and like they don't talk to me because I voted for Hillary. Is that true? Wait, they voted for Trump? Yeah. Wow. Do you think your dad could be considered a black for Trump?

Like one of the blacks for Trump that we've all seen? Yeah, he's one of the, what was it, 11% of black people? My dad is one of them. Do you guys get along other than that, or are you persona non grata? No, just one star. We don't really talk at all. Oh, by the way, though, that's great for comedy. So you can just make fun of them now.

I try to, like, I've tried to tell jokes about them, but, like, all the white people in the audience just get really sad about the real racism. So I'm trying to, like... Oh, boo, white people, boo. You just gotta keep trying it out. Yeah, exactly. Trying it different ways. Maybe with a smile on your face or something like that.

It's too fertile to not go back to. It's such a unique experience. I mean, that's an experience that probably not one person, you know, no one has that experience. P.S., you pitch that to a network. It's like, yeah, a black racist dad. It's just like, you won't sell it, but it will be talked about.

That's an amazing show. I want to see that. They'll be like, Richard, prior to that, what were you doing? What? Jesus. But you should keep writing about it and keep trying to like...

I'll never know what that joke was supposed to mean. I'll repeat it again. I want to know what you were trying to pull off. It was like prior to that, but I was like Richard Pryor to that. Because she looks... Sort of like Richard Pryor. Thank you! Do I get redemption on that or do I stand here like an idiot?

She's laughing at it, by the way, podcast listeners. So you can laugh too. Every time he says something racist She mouths the word daddy Wow When's the last time you talked to your mom and dad My dad called me In January or February Because

I've been posting a bunch of stuff on like my facebook i'm like post about like trump and how he's an asshole and the people that whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa that's our president yeah show some respect put some respect on his name okay so your dad called you yeah because apparently all all the church people that I was friends with on Facebook were seeing my post and going up to him and being like, your daughter's insane. And what did you guys do? How'd you fuck up raising?

And instead of getting mad at the people that were saying that shit to him, he got mad at me and was like, stop saying that Trump's a mean guy. And then he brought up everything nice that he ever did for me and was like, I did these nice things for you, so stop talking about how Trump's an asshole.

Jesus, was your dad like, stop talking about how Trump's an asshole. Stop talking about Trump that way or else I'm going to grab you by the pussy. I mean, that's crazy because I thought that people who voted for Trump now were kind of like, okay, we admit it, he does suck. No, they're doubling down. Yeah. This just got political.

There's no hope. It's not getting better. That is so so interesting to me man I think it's interesting too that he called you and it was really about

him being embarrassed yeah it had nothing to do with the political anything you were saying it was just like yeah he's like a 60 year old guy

also like why doesn't he call you to see how you're doing fuck your dad yeah idiot what the fuck fuck that guy yeah you should totally tell us what company he works for to get your redemption.

So you have five brothers and sisters? Three sisters, one brother. There's five of us total. Five kids. When you say brother, are they conservative? No, they're pretty much all like no they're not conservative they're pretty much all either like moderate or like super liberal yeah but we all were like raised conservative

so your dad's a failure that's why he's so pissed well Alice it was a an unbelievable set truly truly when you landed the Gatorade joke you followed up with great momentum it was awesome please come back again soon. I promise you it'll be less than four months that you're on again.

Thank you. There she goes, Alice Rose. Wow, look at that drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Look what he did while we all sat here running a show. He made an in-color drawing to the next level with the entire band. All that, the book, the posters, all available at writingjebelt.com. The honeymoon special comes out tonight

on Netflix at midnight. Yeah, watch it. We love you. Tony's are coming to Vegas, San Francisco. The five-year here at the Comedy Store, June 18th, comedystore.com. Lansing, Grand Rapids, Detroit, and Fort Wayne, Indiana.

All get your own Keltoni. I'm doing stand-up in Salt Lake City, Spokane, Vegas, San Fran, Boston, Kentucky, Lansing, Grand Rapids, Detroit, Fort Worth, Chicago. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Yeah, guys. Natasha and Moshe, two of my favorite guests. Thank you. I mean it. I mean it.

Watch their shit. Read Cashier and the Rye. Listen to the champs. Watch mean it. Watch their shit. Read Casher and the Rye. Listen to the champs. Watch their special. Watch Coke Money. Guys, all right. That's so sweet. I mean it.

Chrome and Chris. No, just follow me on Instagram. I got all my stuff on there. Fuck yeah. Chrome and Chris. And Joel Berg's right. We love you guys here on this show. The last time we had you both on, I believe we ended it

in a standing ovation in San Francisco. It was just an unbelievable episode. I love coming on this podcast. There's only one thing I love more, and that's the delicious, smooth taste of Sprite. Yes, absolutely. Make sure you pick some up on your way out because you know I'm selling it.

Live audience, thank you so much. Brian Redband? See you guys. Bye, everybody. Have a good night. We love you. We love you.

We love you. We love you. And you ran to the bedroom You were sucked out, what was your doom? Annie, you okay? You okay? You okay, Annie? You've been hit by, you've been struck by A smooth criminal