KILL TONY - KILL TONY #262

Episode Date: April 27, 2018

Steve Lemme, Kevin Heffernan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 04/23/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook.

19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv for all the past episodes, including video portions to all the shows. Just click on videos. Also, if you want to see Kill Tony live, you can click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the real famous comedy store, but we're going on the road. May 11th, we're going to be at the Dive Bar in Las Vegas. That's a seven o'clock show for Kill Tony. And then what's followed by a

nine o'clock show with all of us doing stand-up comedy. You can get tickets at the door or you can get them online by just going to deskwad.tv and clicking on tour dates. Also, we are going to be at the Punchline in San Francisco and we're also going to be doing a Kill Tony there and followed by some comedy shows. And we're going to be in Michigan. We're going to be in Indiana and we're going to be at all over the place. So just go to deskwad.tv and click on tour dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. He's all over the place.

This weekend he's going to be at Wise Guys, and then the following weekend he's going to be in Spokane. So check him out. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, has his website. There you can buy all the posters he has done. He even did the Kill Tony book, which is really amazing. You can go to ryanjebelt.com.

Also, if you want, you can go to shopsquad.tv. There you have all the Death Squad merchandise. We have a Death Squad t-shirt. We have a Kill Tony t-shirt. We have some hats. Just go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony t-shirt. We have some hats. Just go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Bank.

Coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Kill Tony! Hello! Good evening! Welcome! We're at the number one live podcast in the world, everybody. Make some noise! Come on! Brian Red Band's here! What's up? In the fucking house!

Life is good. The great Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. He draws every show. All you people sit there and do nothing. For you podcast listeners, so much fun stuff coming up. Stand-up dates and Kill Tony. I'm doing stand-up this weekend in Salt Lake City at Wiseguys with Jeremiah Watkins featuring for me. And then the next weekend, May 3rd and 5th, I'm in Spokane, Washington with Josh Martin.

And then May 11th, Las Vegas, Nevada. Kill Tony goes to Vegas. It's unbelievable. It's all happening. Really exciting stuff. A bunch of fun surprises layered into that show. Let's just say that it might be pretty easy for some of your favorite characters

to make a trip to Vegas. San Francisco, stand-up date 17th through the 19th with the Kill Tony on the 19th in San Fran. I do stand-up in Boston May 26th. After that, August 4th, we're in Fort Wayne, Indiana, doing a comedy festival there at Kill Tony in Indiana for the first time ever. And then Lansing, the 20th of September, Grand Rapids the 21st, and Detroit the 22nd with our guest Danny Brown.

And then 927 Fort Worth. Fort Worth. We have a stand-up shows there and then a Kill Tony on the 29th. And we also have some breaking news. For our June 18th

five-year anniversary, how many of you are going to make it to the five-year anniversary of Kill Tony? It's exciting. It's happening. The number one live podcast in the world celebrates five years of performing every Monday night all around the country. And as the breaking news, I'm going to give you our guests for that night. Would you guys like that?

Would you like to know who the guests are? It's going to be the great Dom Irero, one of our favorites, and also the great and powerful Joe Rogan, everybody. Wow. Amazing. I'm excited about our five-year anniversary, Brian. Me too. We've been doing this a long time together.

You know, you and I have great, great chemistry. And if you've tried or are trying online dating, chances are you've run into lazy text messages, dead-end conversations, random matches that don't turn into dates. But have you seen the success stories from eHarmony? Real people finding real matches with eHarmony. eHarmony, actually, it takes steps that other dating sites don't in order to find you a more compatible match. eHarmony is built to help you find lasting, meaningful relationships.

Not a shallow hookup site, Tony. They have helped over a million people find their perfect match. Yeah, maybe one day you can find somebody to help you learn how to read. One of the cool things that we're doing for this eHarmony thing, we're going to do a great experiment here.

Some of you might remember an episode a few weeks ago where we met a young man named Levi who was a virgin and he had never even made out with a girl. And then Jen Murphy, save the day, came up and we got to see his first ever kiss on stage.

And we've decided, you know, they've decided at eHarmony to send us a free trial offer, and we've signed Levi. A free membership. He could use it. Yeah, a full-blown, like, real good membership for eHarmony is going Levi's way, and we're

going to check in with him week by week to find out how his new found dating life is going with his new eHarmony thing. Look at that. And you know what? I'll give the credit for that idea right now to the great Josh Martin.

How about one time for Josh Martin? Because we tried to get Josh to do it. We tried to get Josh to do it, and he refused. He's like, you guys might not know. He's like, maybe you don't know. Maybe I'm already in love, and you just don't know it. Yeah. Okay.

Get out of here. Stop waiting and start your journey to a satisfying, meaningful relationship. It can be fun to play around with online dating apps, but when you're ready to fall in love with someone and have a meaningful relationship, there's one app that's built to bring you real love, eHarmony. Come see how eHarmony can change your life. Go to eHarmony.com and get started. Enter my code, our code, Kill Tony

at the checkout. That's Kill Tony at the checkout for a free three-month subscription. Three months? You just can't beat that. Right now, my listeners can get a free month with eHarmony when they sign up for a three-month subscription. Oh, no. It's a free month. Yes. Free month. It's a free month when you sign up for a free month.

You need to find somebody so you can read. Oh! Maybe I'll find the money. Harmony! Alright. You guys ready to start this show or what? Huh? I'm so excited about this show. I'm so excited about this show.

This is fucking high school Tony Hinchcliffe's dream come true to bring up tonight's guests because I mean, I fucking love them. You know them from their great work on Super Troopers and their movie that's out right now, Super Troopers 2 is at the top of the box office

so here they are. It's the motherfucking Super Troopers. The great Steve Lemme and Kevin Heppernan. Step cool, bad boys, bad boys What you gonna do? What you gonna do when they come for you? Great. Steve Lemme and Kevin Heppernan. Oh, shit. They are in the house. You can check out their

Netflix special, Fat Man, Little Boy, Below the Belt. They have a new show coming out soon called Tacoma FD. Everything is sweet, sweet, awesome. Hi, Tony. Hi, guys. How are you? You're sweet, sweet, awesome.

Thanks for having us. I'm so excited. That's a big crowd you got out here, man. Yeah, we have fun every week. And I'm excited because a lot of these fans of the show have the same sense of humor as me. And I got to get stoned and walk across the street to the movie theater that's next to my place and watch Super Troopers 2 yesterday. Thank you. The 1 p.m. showing.

Thank you. I got to giggle like a kid all over again. Absolutely loved it. Twists and turns and fun and just everything. A couple laughs, like two, three laughs? Yeah, a couple. A couple few. We got a couple good jokes in there. Thanks. It was awesome.

So, how you guys doing? What's it like to fucking make Super Troopers 2? You know, it's pretty fucking sweet because the studio projected us at $6.5 million dollars for opening weekend And all the sites

The experts were predicting That was going to happen And we more than doubled it And we came in We beat the polls you guys What those experts factored in They think people that Smoke a lot of pot have memory loss

But people did not forget how awesome Super Troopers 1 was. We outperformed. We're like the Donald Trump of movies. I love it. It's true. I'm distancing myself. I didn't mean that, you guys. Didn't this movie get crowdfunded by your fans and stuff in order to get made?

Yeah, we did an Indiegogo campaign. We raised $4.5 million. Wow, that's great. Yeah. Well, because here's the truth. The studio and the financiers that, you know, back indie films told us flat out they didn't think the fans were still out there. And so, you know, we couldn't find money to make the movie. And so we did this Indiegogo campaign. And yeah, like 54,000 people donated $4.7 million. That's amazing. Anybody in here? Did anybody in here?

Oh, thank you. Thank you. That guy looks like he donated a lot of money. That guy looks like an actual movie exec. Did you get your T-shirt yet? Okay, good. Okay, well, here's the thing. You two guys who raised your hands,

we could not have made the movie without you, okay? Thank you. We're so connected to our fans now. We've had all these screenings. We're meeting all these people who contributed. It wouldn't have happened without you. We did it together. Don't cry.

Don't cry. Don't cry. It's going to be okay. I'm so fucking emotional right now seeing you two guys. I'm not kidding. No, you made the movie. Thank you so much. We appreciate it. The cool thing about this was that the movie was absolutely fucking hilarious too.

That's more important than making it. Even I was nervous knowing that I was having you guys on the show tonight when I went and saw it yesterday. I'm going to be honest. I was a little bit like, fuck, man. Huge shoes to fill. Sequels are fucking hard to do. And I want to let you know from the bottom of my heart, you fucking did it.

It was hilarious. Thank you, Tony. I mean, you guys know that because you made another great cult classic. Did it again. But do you have a band? Do you have your own band? Because I do. No, we don't have a band.

Do we have a band? No. I'm going to bring out the band right now. They're the best damn band in the land. They're the Kill Tony band, everybody. Every single week they commit to different characters. I never know what they're going to do. Here they are.

It's Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Kro McCriss, the Kill Tony band. They're trying to build a prison. They're trying to build a prison. They're trying to build a prison. So you let me in the prison. Another prison system. Another prison system. Another prison system.

When you drag offenders to your prisons, you don't even pay. Joel, I think this may be for your words against the new non-rich. When you drag offenders to your prisons, I just got handed some top ramen. You're Joel Berg's bitch. The prisoners are back. We've seen these guys once before. Once or twice before. Wow. You back out on parole, Jeremiah? Oh, hell yeah.

Holy shit. Dude. Man. Wow. What's your name again? Prisoner Jeremiah? Is that what I'm calling you? What is it? Yo, you can call me Shanks. Shanks. Terrifying.

Fuck yeah. That's terrifying. Fuck yeah. That's right, we're cops, motherfucker. Come get me, bitch. What do you have in your mouth? Is that a grill? Yeah, man, I made that aluminum foil. Oh, God. Oh, shit.

Oh, man. Man, it's hard here in prison. It's hard here in prison, dog. Yeah, it must be. And then back here, clearly we have... I don't even know where to begin. Who is it? Who is it?

Let him know, eh? It's like a Mexican guy that doesn't want people to know that he's going through chemotherapy. That's Cheech Marin back there. Yes, that's right. I'm the soup king in there. The soup king back there. Yeah, he's the fucking currency in there. You don't have any hair on your chest.

Not one hair, man. Man, yeah, you're right. Moving on. Man. You really push it out against those cops, man. I don't talk to police. That's my thing. And then you got Chroma Chris over there,

who, as you could tell by his mustache, broke out of a French prison. You see. All right, so I have a bucket full of comedians' names. Let's do this shit. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Aw, that means wrap it up then, Earl.

You're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. That's really loud and obnoxious, so don't make that happen. You guys ready to start this shit? It's Kill Tony, like, 264, something ridiculous. 262. 262. I'm always a couple ahead with my projections. I always think we're doing more.

All right, let's get this thing started with... Ooh, this looks exciting. How about Alex the Kid Seymour? Wow. Alex the Kid Seymour? Wow. Alex the Kid Seymour. All right. He's coming from the farthest stretch of the building. Here comes Alex the Kid Seymour.

With authority. One more time for Alex the Kid Seymour, everybody. There you go. Looking good, bro. Alex, up there. There's the microphone. Kill it. Alex Seymour, everybody.

How are you fuckers doing tonight? You know, I get in trouble a lot for saying fuckers, but I don't get it. It's so nonspecific. I mean, there's man fuckers, woman fuckers, mother fuckers, father fuckers, sister fuckers, brother fuckers, cat fuckers, dog fuckers, uncle fuckers, aunt fuckers, aunt fuckers, bee fuckers. I don't give a fuckers. But what about me, Alex?

I'm asexual. I'm not a fucker. Okay, fine, Jeremiah, but you're still a misogynist douchebag. Not you. Not you. I wrote that bit ages ago. You know, I have a feeling. You know, I've always wanted to say this to you, Tony.

Mainly because I think I might be the first guy who ever says this to you. But I am super duper jealous of how manly and deep your voice is. You are the first man to say that to me. Good night, fuckers! Fuck yeah. Alex the Kid

Seymour. Get back to that microphone. We're gonna talk to you, Alex. That was awesome. I only have 745 questions for you, so this should take no time at all. Jeremiah raised his hand Yo, first question What is you?

That was going to be my first question Tony Joel Berg has another question Hold on, go ahead Joel Berg I thought Pat left the band But it's Patty It's fucking Patty Joel Berg has another question. Hold on. Go ahead, Joel Berg. I thought Pat left the band. But it's Patty. It's fucking Patty.

Oh, my God. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I sure as shit hope not, my God. Wow. I mean, no. I am so with him, man. Alex, I mean, you could be anything. I mean, you could be fucking 7, 35. A teen wolf.

I believe the answer we're looking for is 23-year-old transgender Jew. Wow. Nice. That's what's up, eh? Yo, that's hot as hell man Transgender Jew My goodness Wow Hitler would have hated you

He really would have What does that mean Six million Number of my people that he killed. Oh, fuck yeah. All right, I guess it's... Keeping it light in here, all right. I guess it's too soon to make a Hitler joke. Technically, they would not have claimed you as one of their people.

Technically. All right. I feel like I'm just being thrown into this without any foreplay whatsoever. That's how it usually goes when I'm involved. Oh, Alex. I like your style. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Since I was 21. Okay. Two months. Two years. Okay. You do it a lot? As much as I can. What do you do for a living?

You do it a lot? As much as I can. Yeah, what do you do for a living? Pretty much this and... That's a lie. And other random shit. Honestly, I play the harmonica busking most of the time. That's what I do. You play the harmonica what? You knowica busking most of the time. That's what I do. You play the harmonica what?

You know, busking. Basically, I'm the annoying asshole who has the harmonica and is playing Danny Boy or some shit while you're walking through the town trying to mind your own business, so you throw a couple quarters in my hat to get me to shut the fuck up basically long enough to say thank you to you. You're like a more talented coin star. At least you have skills, eh?

I like the fact that Brian Redband has the Hulk theme song on his computer. Yeah, I have it every day. What does your hat say? It says, how are you fuckers doing tonight? Oh, so that's like your catchphrase. Yeah. I have it every day. What does your hat say? It says, how are you fuckers doing tonight? Oh, okay. So that's like your catchphrase.

Yeah. You got merch. What the... Nice. I love that, yes. That's a new thing. Merch first, act second.

Yeah. Perfect. I always start with the merch. $30 a hat, right? After the end of the show. Yes. Am I supposed to give advice or anything here?

Are we just going to rip this person apart? First of all, it takes balls to do stand-up comedy, and you will have those soon, I think. Unfortunately, I don't have any yet. You will soon. Yo, I know a guy, okay? I can hook it up.

Jeremiah, you know a guy that does what? Sex change operations? Yeah, man. It's real bad, though. It's a little dirty. I'm going to critique you, Jeremiah. You know, like when you were playing the saxophone, your eyes straightened out.

I'd like them to stay crossed the next fucking solo you do, okay? That's what happened when he blows. All right. Whenever I'm making love, my eyes straighten out. Alex the Kid, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Like, what do you like to do? Like, not doing stand-up? What do you like to do? Do you have any hobbies or favorite things to do? Maybe parachuting or anything?

Fire eating and ventriloquism. Is that true? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Okay, if I was your dummy right now, could you ventriloquist me? Yeah, I could.

Wait, what? Do it. Do it. Oh, yeah, this is great. Fuck yeah. Here you go. It's Alex the Kid Seymour. Wait, hold on.

Okay, stop that. Okay, so basically, when I tap your back, open your mouth. Wow, there you go. Really breaking down all the walls on that one. Jeez, I thought you were really going to transmit his sounds, but I guess not. You know something about Jeff Dunham? He stole Walter. something about Jeff Dunham?

He stole Walter. If anybody wants to know more details about that story, at AlexKidSeymore on Twitter. Anyway. Now, I don't mean he literally stole the puppet. I just mean he stole the idea for the puppet. Anyway. Is this the act?

Yeah. Why are you talking? We want to see Jeremiah talk. No, she threw her mouth into Kevin's voice. It's amazing. I mean, what? He threw the voice into Kevin's mouth. Anyway. What just happened?

Hi, Jeremiah. Okay. First of all, I want to say I truly am sorry that you thought I was talking about you in my original bit. Fuck you anyway, Alex the Kid. Wow, you're really bad at that. Oh, yeah. You feel like one of the worst ventriloquists I've ever seen. You sounded like your lips were moving and your lips were moving.

That was just an extended plug for social media. No, believe it or not, I know I suck at it. That's why I don't know why I told an entire room full of comedians that it was my hobby. But you asked and I felt like I had to tell. Wow, that was one of the saddest things I've ever heard in my life. Tony, I got a question. Are there any words

that you absolutely can't say when you're doing ventriloquism that don't work? Because your lips move. Good question. Bees are hard. So like, that's why like That's why

That's the kind of bees I like They got that good honey Jay Johnson's puppet in Soap's name was Bob And that was a really dumb choice Because Anybody try to say Bob Without opening your lips You can't do it

The closest you can get is something like vav, and it sounds completely terrible. Yo, this is fascinating as hell right here. It's so unimaginably bad. You could not possibly imagine it. Wow. Alex, how long have you been dabbling in mediocre ventriloquism? I don't know.

Oh, okay, Alex. Jesus, stop, stop, stop playing music. It makes it worse. Yo, this is the saddest goosebumps book I ever read. I got a male puppet named Xander because I didn't realize I could be a boy myself. I thought I had to be a boy through this puppet. But now the puppet lives in a closet

because I don't have to anymore, motherfuckers. Woo! I feel like the last time you said that out loud, you were lying down on a couch. What the fuck? Holy shit. I don't know what's going on here, but ventriloquism. I've been trying to think a joke about transgender ventriloquism,

about moving lips away or something like that, and I haven't gotten to put it together in my head, so I figured I'd just float out the premise. Maybe let you guys do your homework on it. How would I have worded it properly? Tranquillicism. Tranquillicism. I was going to say I like her material,

but her transitions are rough. All right, Alex. We're going to keep moving on. There you go. Alex the Kid Seymour's first time on Kill Tony. Thanks, Alex. We're going to keep moving on. There you go. Alex the Kid Seymour's first time on Kill Tony. Thanks, Alex. Fuck yeah. You're a real trooper.

A super trooper, if you will. Super Troopers 2 out now in theaters. Oh, I see what you did there. Alex the Kid Seymour is on Twitter at Alex the Kid Seymour. He played Cross-Eyed. He did it. It was better. It was better. It's got to hurt after a while.

Man, it's hard living like this. How do you think Alex the Kid Seymour feels? Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Dan Black. Dan Black. Blackie. Dan Black. I don't see any movement I don't see

We got a blacklisted Alright put your hands together for Aaron Key Aaron K-E-E Aaron Key Is somebody walking to the stage? No? No Aaron Key huh? Wow Blacklisted too Is somebody walking to the stage? No? No Aaron Key, huh?

Wow. Blacklisted, too. We scared them all away. Yes, I think a lot of people that signed up saw what happened to Alex the Kid, and they're like, maybe that's going to happen to me. I'm out of here. I don't want to lose my balls. Put your hands together for Mario Tanti.

Mario Tanti just got up. Got up from his seat. Here he comes. Mario Tanti. I love how regular STDs are making a comeback now. I read today that one in five billboards in Hollywood has syphilis. Have you seen them? They say syphilis is serious.

If syphilis is serious, then what the fuck is AIDS now? I moved to Van Nuys recently. When I moved in, I downloaded the sex offender app. It lets you know where all the pedophiles in your area are. I have five registered sex offenders living in my building. And one of them lives right below me. Sometimes I'll be coming home from work and I'll see him eating a bowl of Trix, watching the Sandlot.

And it labels them all with a big red dot so the map of my building looks like a herpes outbreak. And at first it creeped me out, but then it reminded me of my ex-girlfriend a little bit and how she would give me blowjobs while we watched The Catcher Predator.

So it was just like, how do these guys not know this is a trap? That girl looks way older than 14. There you go. Mario Tanti. Fuck yeah. Is this your first time on the show? Second.

Second time. What happened last time you were on? It didn't sit alright No, no, you say I crushed it I crushed it, thank you Did you do the same material? No Okay, good

It was like two weeks ago Oh, okay Three weeks ago What did we find out about you? What do you do? I'm a chef Yeah, I'm a chef, eh? Oh, that's right

A chef Fuck yeah Well, welcome back How's life going? It's alright, just chefing it up How long, welcome back. How's life going? It's all right. Chefing it up. How long have you been doing stand-up? A couple weeks.

You started two weeks ago, right? A couple weeks. Did you start on this show? That was my second time. Oh, okay. Nice. Congratulations. I think that's awesome.

Thank you. Hell yeah. Good job. I think you're awesome. I love all your movies. And you too. Thank you very much. Are you a better chef or a better comic?

Chef, for sure. I wish I was as good as this. What's your best dish? Is it fish? That's it? What is it? Gravy? Yeah, what he said.

I said that last time. Biscuits and gravy. That's my shit. Prove it. I actually got biscuits and gravy. Is he talking to me? Prove it? Make some biscuits and gravy. I'll eat. I actually got biscuits and gravy. Is he talking to me? Prove it? Okay. Make some biscuits and gravy. I'll eat that fucking shit right now. Let's go in the back.

Did you bring biscuits and gravy with you tonight? I did not. So Mario, what else did we find out about you? Any hobbies or anything interesting about you? You ever go stand next to John Lennon's wax museum thing and freak people out?

Jump at them like come alive. Just like, oh, I'm alive again! Wax, but I'm human! Alright. Any answer to that question about anything else about you? Any other fun facts about Mario Tanti that we might want to know?

Did you really get blowjobs while watching? Yeah, I did. Really? Gross. But when you have an orgasm, is it super quiet? Are you super quiet? Just a couple times. But there is five sex offenders in my building, for sure.

Really? Have they had to introduce themselves to you? No. Maybe you should have a joke about how you're waiting for these sex offenders to have to introduce themselves to you. Maybe you see them in the hallway and you're like, anything you want to say to me? See that laugh I just got? That could be yours and much, much more. Because it's your premise. The one guy looks at me and it's like he knows I know.

He looks at you and what? It's like he knows you know. I don't know. He looks like he's an old man. He kind of keeps to himself. You think he's into you? No. I'm a little old for him. You're a little old for him. So all five of these people are actually in your apartment?

They're just in Van Nuys. They're in my building. Oh my god. What? Never mind. Are you next to a school or a playground or anything that would make it five people out of your apartment building? Like, do you feel the urge?

Why do you think so many pedophiles live in your building? Yeah, is that true? Do you have an urge? Is there, like, a pedophile poltergeist in your building or something like that that's making you... Is your water apple juice or something? It's like a pedophile halfway house or something. Is your water apple juice when it comes out of the

faucet? Is it apple juice? Apple juice! Redman, that was funny as hell, man. Yeah, yeah, that was... I wanted an answer out of it. I still haven't gotten it. I'm a little bit suspicious. Mario, why do you think there's so many pedophiles in your building? I don't know.

Is it cheap? It's a little cheap, yeah. There's a lot of kids in the building, too. Oh, bling, bling, bling, bling. You live in a school building. Yeah. It's weird. They sell balloons out front. There's like a lot of kids in the building.

It's creepy. Wow, is it musky? No, it's a nice building. It's not bad. Wait, but if they're registered, aren't they not allowed to be with the kids? I have no idea. It's weird because it's like they're on the app. Maybe you should contact somebody, dude.

You might be living in a brothel. Sorry, guys. You've looked it up and they're on the app in the same building as you. Maybe they just accidentally signed up for the wrong app. Man. It's just crazy that there's five of them in this same building. It's almost like they have enough to be starters on a basketball team. You know what I mean?

Like the pedophiles. They're all like old white men. They could be a real team and they just play little kids and beat their asses. You know what I mean? Maybe they signed up for Kinder. Maybe they signed up for Kinder I think when you make a sweet joke like that You should fucking rip a drum solo Fuck yeah, I love that

Yes I agree Mario, are you still with your girlfriend? No, that was a year ago. Yeah? A year ago. Oh, what happened there? It just didn't work out.

Just didn't work out. I thought women liked chefs, man. You cook shit for her. Hey, if you can't handle the heat, get the hell out of the kitchen. You know what I mean? Maybe you shouldn't be watching to catch a predator while you're fucking around with her. Maybe that's why I moved into a building with five seconds of karma, dude. Now, as a chef, did you

eat your girlfriend's pussy a lot, or did you just taste it? Tasting menu? Yeah. Did you ever write down a recipe for proper pussy eating? I did not. I think Pat has one of those in his notebook. Alright.

Anybody ever get so mad about something that they come back in the kitchen and complain to you, not through like a waiter or waitress? Have you ever had anybody storm the kitchen and be like, you know, you call this medium rare? No, it doesn't happen. Nothing like that ever. People complain all the time. It's hard to fuck up biscuits and gravy. Yeah, it's true.

It's true. It's true. All you have to do is show up. You can't be a flake if you want to work in the biscuit industry Are you the head chef? Are you the head chef of your restaurant? There's three of us I'm the second one down What restaurant if I may ask?

I can't say You can't say really now? Yeah I can't say I'll go It's a good plug I'll tell you after Man then they not going I'll go. We'll go. It's a good plug. I love it. I'll tell you after, but I can't tell you after. Man, then they not going.

It only works if you say it here, man. Alright, Mario. Well, it was nice to meet you. You got back on the show again. You got to hang out with the Super Troopers. Everything else, do you feel good about it? I feel alright. You sort of sound like you have to take a massive shit or something like that.

This guy's like Jan Oliver. Listen to the chants happen. Joelberg is emerging from his shell. They chant Joelberg like Goldberg because he goes on streaks. One thing about your material, the whole blowjob thing, that really does leave a

that guy's creepy kind of vibe in the audience. You kind of lose people, I think, when you... And when Brian's saying that you're making people creeped out, you know you fucked up, dude. So there you go.

There's a little advice to take with you. Mario Tanti. There he goes. He's on Twitter at Mario Tarded. We're having fun. How about the band stepping it up tonight, playing some tunes, playing people up.

A little double duty for the band, huh? Wait, what is this Twitter? Mario Tarded? Like retarded? Yeah, it says Mario Tarded. That's literally his Twitter handle. There you go. All right.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Dan Devon. Dan Devon? Dan Devon. Dan Devon. Oh, I like this guy. I like this guy. Oh, yeah.

He's approaching with confidence. I like this guy. Here he comes. Put your hands together for Dan Devon, everybody. Yeah, yeah. He's approaching with confidence. I like this guy. Put your hands together for Dan Devon, everybody. Yeah, Dan. All right, well, I just left Los Angeles for the first time recently since I moved to Los Angeles. And I noticed something about Los Angeles

that people in Los Angeles got me a little confused because they're different than people where I'm from. Because people in Los Angeles, you know, they selfish enough to think that you want what they're after but given enough to share the syphilis at the orgy. You know, I just don't get it. I don't understand it, man. I'm from the south but I'm from Florida. Florida's like the south but it's more like the south for dummies. Like you won't find too much

like incest in Florida, you know. But you will find more niggas on the beach than you thought you would, you know. They might not get in the water but they damn sure will tell you that they fucked your bitch in some Gucci flip flops. Shit get you all insecure and shit.

People got weird nicknames in the South. Like my dad, he got a friend. You can go ahead, finish that. What's your dad's nickname? People got weird nicknames in the South. My dad, he got a friend named Squirrel. You know? But I call him Mr. Squirrel

because it's that much more respectable, you know? Fuck yeah. Dan Devon. Devon or Devon? Boom. It's Devon. Devon. Hell yeah. Dan Devon. Nice to meet you, man. Did they call you Double D? That's a good name

for you. Double D, right? I love it, Kev. I love it. What the fuck, man? Better than calling you Kevin Hart, bro. Come on. Kevin Hart, that's pretty soft. I was going to call him Curious George Wallace. Okay, fine. Fuck it. I was going to call him Webster. What the fuck?

That's bullshit. That's a short joke. Fuck that. Man, I'm racist and this is getting racist as hell up here. Oh, shit. Dan, how long have you been doing stand-up? Almost three years now. Oh, cool. Where are you from?

Orlando, Florida. Wow. How long have you been in L.A.? A year and a half now. Yeah? What do you do for work? I'm unemployed. Wow. How long have you been in L.A.? A year and a half now. Yeah? What do you do for work? I'm unemployed. Wow.

What's the last job you had? So I'm black. What's the last job that you had? Jamaican bobsled team. I was like... Okay, that's a good one, Jeremiah. I fucking love that one. You got the colors. That's it. That's a Jamaican, Jeremiah. I fucking love that one. You got the colors, that's it.

That's a Jamaican right there. Right there it is. What was the last job you had? I was a sales and marketing coordinator. Really? Drug dealer. Trying to figure out the sales and marketing. All right.

What were you selling? You always do this thing after every question like you just took a sip of a delicious beverage. Like what was the job that you had? Is it Sprite? Yeah. For those of you

that don't know, Sprite has been a refreshing American beverage since 1973. And if you haven't had it recently, you should put more of it into your diet. You ever drink Sprite? Nah. I need you to obey your thirst. I know that you are really still hoping that I'm going to move on from this question

you've been avoiding it for a strong 53 seconds and clicking right now I'm going to go for it one more time what were you selling at this job yo man don't snitch dog but shizzle dizzle oh shit

let's move on you have any fun hobbies or anything like that no I'm kidding what's the answer Oh, shit. Let's move on. You have any fun hobbies or anything like that? No, I'm kidding. What's the answer? It was just like service for cars, and we were just processing credit cards. I'm starting to think he's lying.

Wait a second. Are you a Nigerian prince? What kind of credit cards were you coordinating? A bunch of porn shit. Oh, really? Yeah. Porn shit. What kind of porn do you like?

What's your favorite? So wait. Hold on one second. So if you were marketing the numbers for porn, that means that you know the people that have, like, porn memberships and sort of who doesn't maybe? Yeah, I had all the passwords. In that case, let's move on with questions. So how much stand-up have you done here in L.A.?

I'm grinding. I'm doing stand-up, like, all the time. All right. This is a believable story. Stick to this. Every night, every night, I... Are you a little stoned right now? Yeah, I am.

Hell yeah, you are. Stoned to the gullets is what you are. You're like Pink Floyd Mayweather right now. Hello! You're like Pink Floyd Mayweather right now. Hello. I've been waiting 11 years to slip that joke in somewhere. I need a stoned short blackout. More like a Jamaican bong sledding. Dan, what kind of pot did you smoke today?

What was it? I got it in my pocket right now. I'm going to get a much quicker answer than what was his last job, huh? Strawberry Fields. Wow. Strawberry Fields. Look at that.

How's your love life since you moved to LA? I'm single, man. I'm single. Oh, look out. Yo, there's some hoochies in here. What up? Dan, you ever... What was your favorite thing about Orlando? It's a pretty thing.

Compared to here, I guess the rent. That's it. Right. The rent. Other than that, I mean... You ever go to Disney World? Nah, man. I'm too tall for the rides.

Are you? How often do you visit the motherland, Wakanda? It's funny you said you're too tall because you look like too short. Why do you think your... How did your parents end up in Orlando?

Do you know why you ended up in Orlando at all? How that sort of happened? My dad worked at a power plant, so we just kind of ended up there. What's your dad like? A real estate agent. Wait, wait, wait a second. What?

Did you just answer another different question to another... Your dad worked at a power plant. I said, what's your dad like? And you said, a real estate agent. What the fuck just happened? Did you just lie twice in a row? Yo, man, he's wearing a wire, man.

That Strawberry Fields is some good shit, huh? It is. Like, if you think your dad saw your stand-up act, what do you think your dad would say to you? That was so perfect. We did it. Look at that badass shit. We're like the Jordan and Pippin of fucking live

podcasts for sure. I don't even need an answer to that question. I was all set up for that one moment. How about that? I'll let you off the hook on that one. Alright, Dan. Why do you think you're single? off the hook on that one. Alright, Dan. Why do you think you're single? You're a good looking guy. You're smiling. You got a positive energy.

An ugly jacket. What do you think it is? What do you think it is? I'm kind of like a workaholic, so I kind of just... A workaholic? Do you know you're unemployed? What are you talking about? What the fuck? A workaholic? Power plant?

Real estate agent? What the fuck? Do not smoke the strawberry fields, people. Man, I like this homie. You ain't getting no truth out of him. My goodness. The fuck?

A workaholic. All right. Well, it was nice to meet you, Dan. Anything for Dan, guys? Anything? Keep hustling, bro. There you go. Dan Devon, everyone.

Dan Devon. His name is Dan Devon. And he's gone. He's on Twitter at TheDanDevon. Hell yeah. You guys having fun out there? Good job. Woo! Alright, this looks like a new name.

Put your hands together for Nick Country. Perhaps Nick hands together for Nick Country. Perhaps Nicky Country. Nick Country? I see movement. I believe that could be Nick Country walking towards the stage. Yep, here we go. He does.

Nick Country. Here we go. That can't be a real name. Nick Country. Here we go. That can't be a real name. Nick Country? Put your hands together one more time for Nick Country, ladies and gentlemen. Jennifer Lopez, she's been married to like 50 guys. She didn't divorce them, they got sucked into her giant ass.

After 9-11, I stopped shopping at Target. I figured any store with a big red bullseye painted on the side was just asking for it. Wouldn't it be great if Louis C.K., Harvey Weinstein, and Bill Cosby ended up sharing a prison cell? You know, Louis and Harvey would take turns raping Bill. Bill would be like, oh, oh, oh, if you guys stop raping me, I'll give you both a lifetime supply of gel pudding pops. Oh, oh, oh. I got kicked out of high school for doing a series of toilet explosions.

Toilet explosions. I blew up four toilets and the last one the principal was sitting on. All right. Fuck yeah, Nick Country. Here we go. Let's just get into it. Fuck yeah, Nick. I feel like I already know a little bit about you.

You live in Van Nuys in a building with four other pedophiles. Keys, keys, keys. Do I look like a pedophile to you? I look like a pedophile to you? No, no, no, you don't. No, you don't. I was just kidding. I was just kidding.

This is the most backwards-ass threat. Do I look like a pedophile to you? Tony, I would back off. I was just kidding, Nick. This is the most backwards-ass threat. Do I look like a pedophile to you? Well, I'm going to suck your fucking dick and I'll show you after I'm done eating your ass and sticking fingers in your mouth. All right, Nick. You're not a pedophile.

We know that for sure. Definitely. You eat all the candy yourself, clearly. No sharing with kids. Nick, how are you? How long have you been on stand-up? I don't know. I've done a lot of marijuana.

If you just had to guess, if you had to ballpark it. See, I kind of, I started years ago, but I started and stopped, started and stopped. I took a six-year break. So I'm not sure. You worked at Jurassic Park. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh.

Uh-uh-uh. Is that an age joke? Nick, what do you do for a living? You have a specific look to you for the podcast fans. Nick's got the look of all the jokes that we've made so far. What do I do? Right now I'm just doing some temp jobs, that's all.

Some temp jobs? Is that because... Why? Why do you think that is? I'm actually on disability right now. Oh, really? What's your disability? I'm insane. Really? That's good. Oh, okay. What's your disability? I'm insane. Really?

Okay, that's good. Everything's okay. Awesome. Yo, kindred spirit over here, dog. What's your feeling on guns? You don't have any on you right now, right? I don't like guns. Awesome. Perfect. No, I left my gun at home. Okay, very good.

All right. Good, man, because I will sh gun at home. Okay, very good. Good, man, because I will shank you with this saxophone so quick. Alright, well that's cool, Nick. You're on disability. Now that you just get to sort of sit around and be insane, what do you do for fun? What's insane? Like you've watched every episode of Maury Povich or what?

What's the... I'm just doing comedy episode of Maury Povich or what? I'm just doing comedy now. I'm also a fine artist. I paint, I sculpt. Yeah, I think you're a damn fine artist. I am, actually. No, I bet you are. I bet there's some real special things going on with you. And I bet that when you put your mind to it,

that you, Nick Country, can accomplish really just pretty much about anything. You know, a moment like this in front of people like this, and, you know, movie stars. I mean, one of the top movies out in the world right now in a moment like this can totally... Keep the music going. All right, forget it.

Nick, do people... Seriously, do people tell you you look like Nathan Fillion? Who's that? He's the guy from Serendipity? You know, Castle. He's a good looking dude, is all I'm saying. Man, these references are hot as hell. I was going to...

I thought I recognized you as one of the Coca-Cola polar bears. Then I realized you were probably more of a Coca-Cola bipolar bear. See what I did there? It's a bipolar bear chip. As an artist, what is your favorite medium? I mean extra large.

Yo, what happened to your voice, dog? I'm out now. It's different, eh? Nick, where are some of your favorite places to perform? I like to improv. I do the Laugh Factory. I do here. Are you from New York, Jersey originally?

Philadelphia. Philadelphia. Yeah. Hell yeah. All right. Phillies. Philly fans. Hell yeah. Phillies. Philly fans. Hell yeah.

How long have you lived in L.A.? It's been, what's it been now? About 17 years. 17 years. And is Nick Country really your real name? Country? Country? Yes. What nationality is that? Well, Nick Country.

It's actually, it was kind of an Americanized Italian name. It used to have an ending to it. It was something, I don't remember the pronunciation. It was like country shall know or shall know. When they came to this country, they just chopped the end off and Americanized it. They made it country. So your dad's Italian? Yeah, and so was my mother.

Yeah, what did your dad do growing up, when you were growing up? What did he do for a living? He was a maintenance man for a hospital. Oh, all right. And how long have you been on disability? It's been about eight years now. What do you do for hobbies and fun and stuff like that? Just comedy right now.

But other than comedy? Like I said, I paint, I sculpt. I'm kind of poor, so I don't go out much. That makes sense. What's the most... I think we've all had our highs and lows in life. When you say that you're insane, and you brought that up, you admitted that.

What's the most insane thought that you've had? What's one of the craziest things? And is it happening right now? Yeah. Hold on. Wait a second. Alright. Go ahead and

you can just answer that at any point. Nothing I want to admit. Nothing I'd want to admit. Okay, so let's say that the thoughts that you were having that you don't want to admit were not about a human being and were about an animal. And I said, here's a bunny rabbit. I'm going to leave this bunny rabbit here with you, Nick Country, about an animal. I said, here's a bunny rabbit. I'm going to leave this bunny rabbit here with you, Nick Country, for an hour.

Don't worry, I'm not dangerous. That's what you're getting at. No. So you would just break the bunny's fucking neck, am I right? No, I'm kidding. You did a Bill Cosby impression. Are you an impressionist?

I do some voices Not a lot What else? What else you got? What other impressions Do you like to do? I thought you were doing Impressionist like

Impressionism painting Just like Hey dude What are you doing dude? Stuff like that Who's that? Who's that? Just like a guy

You know Oh the guy The confrontational guy Dude Has anybody ever told you that's spot on, man? Hey, I want to suck these puppies dry. You know, voices like that. Wait, wait, wait. What'd you just say?

What'd you just say there? You want a what? I did a little bit I do about beer and titties. What's the bit that you do about beer and titties? I do... Do it. Okay, I'll do it. Hold on, hold on.

Face that way, face that way. You know, they say guys who don't drink beer like small titties. I don't know why. It's not like beer comes out of titties. I mean, what if beer did come out of titties? Wouldn't that be great? I mean, men are like tit crazy now. Imagine how tit crazy they'd be if beer came out of women's titties.

It'd be like, it tastes like Budweiser coming out these titties and Heiser Bursch. I'm going to suck these puppies dry. It's a good bit. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Is that Garth Brooks? Who is the impression of there? What's that?

Just a guy. Just a guy who likes beer and titties. Nick, do you ever drink? You ever drink beer? I have. I don't drink a lot lately. I don't drink a lot lately. You don't drink a lot. Huh. Alright. I thought that was going to be one of those situations like Andy Kaufman

comes out here and does the whole thing for like 20 minutes and then fucking drills the beer and titties routine and a legend is born. Let me ask you something, Nick. If you could, because you don't drink beer, so let's say if you could have anything come out of a girl's titty, what would be your favorite thing to, what would be your favorite liquid to come out, like what's your favorite thing to drink?

I don't know, Southern Comfort. Yeah. Really? You don't drink beer? You drink Southern Comfort? I drink beer. I drink a little bit of everything. Oh, okay. Are you a heavy drinker? No, not lately. I used to. Not lately. And then what happened? I don't know. I just got out of it. I don't go to bars much more because I don't have a lot of money. Right. Smoke pot? I used to. A lot.

Man, why do you keep giving up things, dog? So what's your favorite vice now, if there's anything? Like just a little something that you find a guilty pleasure. I jerk off a lot. Yeah, what's your favorite? Yeah, we knew that one. What's your favorite thing to jerk off to?

Man, I don't want to hear this, actually. Come on, Jeremiah. What's your favorite thing to jerk off to? Just, I don't know, pornography. All right. I should try that sometime. That's a fair answer. He's a guy who sits at his laptop and types in pornography into Google.

Pornography. All right, Nick. Well, did you have fun up here tonight? Yeah, I'm sorry. All right. Jeez Louise. Wow, real. We let did you have fun up here tonight? Yeah, I'm sorry. All right. Jeez Louise. Wow, real. We let you down, didn't we?

Anything else for Nick, guys? There you go. Nick Country. There he is. Good job, Nick. We love you, Nick. Great stuff, buddy. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah. Kevin, you just shook the hand he jerks off with. I guess I did, didn't I? He's got to get back to Roseanne. How about one more time for Nick Country,

ladies and gentlemen? Where's Josh? I think I need another PBR. What the fuck kind of show is this? I'm going to take a crown and coke too We could put it in order Yes

Yo, could I get some Slim Jims, dog? I pulled another name out of the bucket Put your hands together for Carl Freeman, everyone Here we go Carl Freeman Wow, from the deepest corner. From the deepest, farthest corner.

Yeah, okay. I got a good feeling. Carl Freeman, ladies and gentlemen. Hey. Alright, so I'm obviously a big guy. I used to do a lot of security. I did security for Samsung.

They fired me after a month. They didn't tell me why, but I think I know why. I kept insisting everybody refer to me as Guardian of the Galaxy. So that's probably why I got fired. I think they say being a single mom is probably the hardest job. It's not. I think the hardest job is working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine

the self-control required to work in a... That's how I got fired from my second job. Oh, this is going well. It's my minute up. I took an Uber pool here. Don't make the same mistake I did. Don't bring your bathing suit.

It's not what you think it is. That's... Carl Freeman. Fuck yeah, Carl. I like the Uber pool joke. I like the Uber pool joke. I like the Uber pool joke. Okay, good. There you go.

Your guests keep getting scarier and scarier. I know. This is a wild one. I never thought I'd see a white Terry Crews before. And then all of a sudden, there he is. I get Sinbad a lot. Right in front of me. Did you really work at Samsung?

Didn't you hear him say that? And then he scratched his balls right afterwards. How could you have forgotten? He said, I'm a security guard at Samsung ball scratch. That's like his trademark. What part of, what part of Jersey are you from? No, my whole family's from New York and I'm from here. So that's where you hear my accent. Oh, wow. I'm born and raised here. Are you? Yep. I thought he was a Pharaoh. I'm born and raised here I thought he was a pharaoh How long have you done stand up? Like a month

Okay And what made you want to start doing stand up? I got hit by a car That's how all of us started too I got hit by a car I've seen this movie This is like when the baseball player kid hurt his arm, and then he could throw like 100 miles an hour. Except you got hit by a car, but you didn't get the magical talent part.

No. Yeah. Okay. You got hit by a car. Go on. I feel bad for the car. You know what I mean? He's a big guy.

All right. Go on. You should see the other guy. Oh. Hey, it was a smart car. He totaled it. Come on, guys. Whoa. Alright, go ahead, Carl. I didn't get hit. I was driving and I...

What was that sound? Carl, kick their fucking asses. Kick their fucking asses, Carl. We've done this show almost five years. I've never heard that sound on this show. You've been waiting until a smart car joke hit somebody? All right. We lost it.

So the car, you were driving a car? I was driving. I didn't get hit. And then I thought I was going to die. But... What kind of car hit you? Fucking Jeep. Jeep, yeah.

You almost didn't remember that. It must have been a pretty serious accident. All right. How serious was it? The whole side of my car, none of the doors were open. It was that bad. But physical injuries to you. So no, I was straight.

But you thought you were going to die? Hell yeah. But that's not why I thought. I was thinking of coming here and doing this that whole week. And then as soon as I pulled over to get the guy's information, I felt like I had to make him laugh so he could feel better. So I felt like if I could handle like almost dying and then making someone laugh, I can handle this. Wait, you made that guy laugh? Yeah.

You should have done what you did after the accident here tonight. What kind of material did you break out of? Contextually, it wouldn't have been funny. What kind of jokes did you do for him? Uber pool and scratch the balls? No, I said to him, I always wondered how I would feel almost losing my life. I mean, I can't remember exactly, but something like that. Funny.

He didn't die laughing. He was just like, oh, okay, you're cool. Wow. And that pushed you over the edge to do stand-up. That did it for me. And he totaled your car? What kind of car did you have?

What kind of Honda did you have? Actually, it was a Mercedes. Whoa. Oh, shit. Wow. Oh, shit. Shut the fuck up, Tony. Yeah, exactly.

It was a Honda Mercedes. Unbelievable. How'd you get Mercedes money? I used to have Mercedes money. How'd you used to have Mercedes money? I used to beat the shit out of people for money. Tell him. I used to...

You look like you may have played in the Canadian Football League for a few years. It's fucking up here. I just realized how hard this is. You just realized now? I thought you would have realized 10 seconds into your set. No, it's okay, Carl. You're starting to look a little bit scarier than you did a second ago. There was a definite switch in his eyes just then, and I'm backing off.

I don't want to have to bring my new head of security, Nick Country, up here to defend my honor. You do kind of seem weird about how you made money. Was it like a rug store? No, but it was just such a good setup. They all flew away, though. We'd be on stage right now for another 30 minutes, I can already tell. I think a lot of people are interested to know. How did you make a living?

I used to own a clothing company in downtown. Wow, cool. What kind of clothing? I used to do silkscreen. I used to have a print for people. What was your favorite T-shirt you ever printed? It's a good question. Don't fuck me in the ass That's what it said. No, I'm talking to him. Oh, I got that as a tramp stamp

But prison be hard How long did you have the t-shirt print company? A couple years. A couple years. Two years in the t-shirt print company, and you had Mercedes money. Yeah. Okay, I guess I'm never going to get an answer to that question, huh? No, I mean, I did well, and then I lived off it, and then I just decided I don't want to do it anymore.

Okay. I could only live off it for so long. I didn't make a million. I just did. How about now? What do you do now? This. Stand up?

Well, I mean, I have like a nest egg, so I can do this as long as I can do this. You have a nest egg from that? Yeah. From the t-shirt screen print company? You do? Yeah. That says not add up. But you also spent that money on your bills and a Mercedes.

So I was doing really well for a year and a half. Is it like the biggest? you also spent that money on your bills and a Mercedes. So I was doing really well. For a year and a half. Is it like the biggest... No, I didn't say a year and a half. I was doing it for like five years, six years. So it was a huge t-shirt company you were running. Dude, he invented Don't Worry, Be Happy. Just fucking admit it.

It was a company. But you're not willing to talk about it. Well, we're talking about it. We're trying to. You're looking for the punchline in it, but I don't know... No, it's not a punchline. I'm not looking for the punchline. I'm looking for the punchline in it, but I don't know if you're going to find it. No, it's not a punchline. I'm not looking for the punchline. I'm looking for the company name.

Well, it was... Uh-oh. Tommy Bahama. Like, you want the company name, or you want him to, like... It's okay. Forget it, Carl. You're asking me like I'm an IRS agent right now. Do you file for those two years?

Meanwhile, you have a Mercedes. You are screwed, my friend. I have done the math, and you are fucked. All right. Well, so Carl. Okay. You seem like a good-looking guy. How's your love life?

It's good. Yeah? Do you have a girlfriend? No, no, no. No, but you've been dating? Yeah. Last date you went on, what was that like? I was fucked.

Hell yeah. I'm not using dating? Yeah. Last date you went on, what was that like? It was fucked. Hell yeah. I'm not using dating apps anymore. Yeah, what happened? Me neither. Have you tried eHarmony? Yeah. Now that you're done just fooling around, you know, with easy, you know, silly dating apps,

you can actually find somebody, you know, in which helps you find a more compatible match. It's built to help you find a lasting, meaningful relationship. No shallow hookup sites. It'd be perfect for you. Don't settle for anything less, man. Yeah. Thank you.

I found a match on eHarmony. Her name was Foofy. It was just lotion and towels that I put between the crack of the bed and I had sex with her. Prison be hard, man. Foofy got me by.

Carl, hobbies, fun things. Like, what do you like to do? You seem like you're in good physical shape. You work out a lot? Yeah, I work out a lot. You have a gym membership? No, I have a gym in my home. Work out a lot. You have a gym membership? No, I have a gym in my home. Oh, wow.

So you have a gym in your home as well from that couple years of the T-shirt comedy. Yeah. I mean, I have like a setup. How do you have a setup? Like I have a bench and like dumbbells and shit like that because I don't like crowds. I know it doesn't sound right. Your parents have a lot of money? No.

Wait, you don't like crowds, but you get into stand-up? Uh-oh. No, like the gym is full of like, it's just too crowded. Too much sexual attention. Right. How about for hobbies and fun, things like that? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to, you know, get a booth at a nightclub, you know, get the orange juice and vodka going. Well, I used to work in the music industry. Oh, yeah? What did you do there? I was an engineer and a producer, so I used to work in the music industry. Oh, yeah? What did you do there?

I was an engineer and a producer, so I used to work in recording studios. Oh, cool. You produce anything we might recognize? Like, you know, maybe DMX or Cotton Eye Joe or something like that? No, no, no. No. Huh? No, sorry. I don't even know what you just said. Everybody laughs at that, but if it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe... Anyway.

Carl, if you were going to write a book about yourself, and we fast-forwarded through all the chapters, what do you think the most interesting tidbit, the cool fun fact about Carl Freeman that we would find out is? Like 11 toes or something like that? Something crazy? I've been homeless three times. You've been homeless three times?

Yeah. Wow. I slept in a... Thank you. I slept in a mall garage. That was the worst I got. In an underground parking garage of a mall. For how long?

For like two months. What kind of car were you sleeping in the mall garage in? I was sleeping in a box, actually. I was sleeping on cardboard. What kind of car were you sleeping in the mall garage in? I was sleeping in a box, actually. I was sleeping on cardboard. He's the man in the box. I'm surprised you didn't have a real dickhead answer to that one. Actually, it was a Mercedes box. Alright, Carl.

Do you like... You seem like a real tough guy. A whole different kind of crazy than Nick Country, you know what I mean? So do you find yourself, do you notice that you, does it like feel okay taking these jokes sometimes when people make jokes about you? Because there's a part of me that makes me think, like, you sort of just want to, like, Goldberg spear me right now and just, like, blast through the table because you're a big dude. I could tell, like, you know, you like working out. You have a sort of just want to like Goldberg spear me right now and just like blast through the table. Because you're a big dude. I could tell like, you know, you like working out. You have a lot of testosterone.

You ever do HGH? No? No, I just know like I'm trying to not act like how everyone else acts on here. What do you mean? How do they act? Like I'm pressured to like react to what you're saying, but I know I'm not going to win. There's no winning. I know. There's no winning. I know.

There's no winning. It's just being honest. And then people find you, and they find out what makes you different and what they like about you. And we all win. You're thoughtful. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome. You're very deep and emotional. Hey, man. You got pretty eyes, too. deep and emotional. Hey, man. You got pretty eyes, too. He seems like he would be like a gentle lover. Doesn't he? Yeah.

Hell yeah. He just made a face like, no, I smack a bitch. Jeremiah, what would be the first thing that you did to this guy if he got stuck in your prison cell for the night? Man, I'd put my pinky in his butthole real quick. And give myself a milk mustache. Oh, shit.

All right, Carl. I mean, look at that. I mean, you like to say there's no winning, but you got the longest interview of the night out of everyone, because I guess I just wanted to figure out something about you. I don't know if we really got it. Come back again next time, and we'll talk to you some more.

There he goes, Carl Freeman. That guy's got balls, people. You can tell. Because he's wearing thin sweatpants tonight. What do you think? Should we bring up our regular? Huh? Everybody knows him.

Everybody loves him. He's the goddamn Kill Tony sensation. Always fun to see what new minute he's going to bring to the table. He is the only regular on the show that doesn't come out of the bucket because he gets an automatic new minute. only regular on the show that doesn't come out of the bucket because he gets an automatic new minute. We get to find out what's going on in the life of Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

What's up, y'all? All right, lay down. Me and my friends, we're all sleeping in the car. We got an apartment until May 1st, and I be having an AC on blast. And the other day, my friend DJ was like, man, it's cold in here. I said, that's all right,

because it's going to be hot on the 1st. You better get frostbite while you can, because we're going to have to go back to the car and lay down. My mom called me earlier. She was like, your friend just got shot. You need to come home and check on him. He ain't dead, but he got shot. I said, man, that nigga sell me $20.

If I come home, I'm going to finish his ass off. Heard you got shot. Yeah, man, you got that $20? Nah. Lay down. I used to sell cocaine back in North Carolina. One time I dropped some coke in front of a cop. He's like, what's that?

I said, I'm a LeBron James fan. Fuck yeah. Wow. That was awesome. Another fun new minute from Malcolm. I love that last week you debuted your new catchphrase, lay down, and this week you were able to squeeze it in three times in 60 seconds. Lay down.

And you made it work. You did double callbacks. You did a call black, if you will. How's it going? This is your guys' first time seeing Malcolm. Yeah, it call black, if you will. How's it going? This is your guys' first time seeing Malcolm. It is, and I'm relaxing. My heart's been pounding this whole show. I've been scared the whole fucking time.

It's been dangerous up to now. Now I feel good. And I like your catchphrase, too. You must have like an hour of material by now, right? He comes on all the time, right? Well, he's pretty new as a regular. Okay.

But you've been doing stand-up a few years. You probably have a bunch of time. Three years, yeah. Heck yeah. Yeah. You could,

for you podcast listeners, you could probably, with enough money, hire Malcolm to come and fucking perform for you. He opened last night the Death Squad show and killed it last night

in front of like 200, 300 people. Wow. That's great. Awesome. It's all happening. How's life? How do you feel?

Oh, I feel good, man. Anything crazy happen this past week? Yeah, I ate carrots yesterday. You ate carrots? What? Isabel bought me some carrots. She said, you got to eat better and gave me some carrots at Old Mike.

Is it the first time you ever had carrots before? Nah, but I ain't had them shit since free lunch. Who's Isabel? Isabel. Isabel Chan, the girl from London. Oh, okay. And had them shit since free lunch. Who's Isabel? Isabel. Isabel, the girl from London. Oh, okay. And she fed you carrots? Yeah.

Are you sure she didn't think you were a horse, Malcolm? What's going on here? Why is this lady so... Wait, she's here? Yeah, she's here. Where is she? She's right there. I don't really care.

Thanks, Isabel. Wait a second. What's going on with you and Isabel? I don't know. I just... Okay. I gotta eat better. Feeding you carrots. Sharing a carrot. That's going on with you and Isabel? I gotta eat better. Feeding you carrots.

Sharing a carrot. That's pretty food. Fuck it. Hell yeah. How's your eyesight? Getting better? Yeah. Hell yeah.

You see shit now. Malcolm, I love following you on Instagram. It's so fun to watch your stories. You're very, very funny. Malcolm always posts a bunch of crazy shit. Anytime something wacky is happening out there on the streets, he gets it. And it's always fun. One thing that I've noticed is that you have a lot of buddies that are, like, you know,

every once in a while mixed in all the funny shit. Like, it'll be like, hey, you know, let out my homie, you know, Lil Quan Quan. You know, he didn't do that shit. Like, every once in a while, there'll be a serious one mixed in where you're calling for the release of a friend of yours, which, by the way, I love that with your Instagram following that that's what you're trying to do, release your friends from prison.

Hey, Lil Quan Quan, I don't think any judge is going to be like, I don't know if you were on Instagram earlier, but we must release Lil' Quan Quan. That Malcolm Hatchet is hilarious. I reversed the decision. Lil' Quan Quan released. Yo, game recognized game. Hell yeah.

Yeah. But that's a pretty serious thing, right? Because where you come from, everybody's hustling, right? Hell yeah. I'm sure you probably have a lot of friends that are locked up. All of them.

Did you ever get locked up? I was in jail for 14 hours. That's it. I got out like I did murder. I went to jail for some stupid shit. What'd you do? Well, I ain't do nothing, but I took a blame for somebody. Natural.

That makes sense. How long were you there? How long were you in prison? 14 hours. I had one of them shits, too. That was crazy. Yeah. Some flip-flops with no socks.

They put you in there for 14 hours. Yeah, and when I got released, I told everybody I did a month. I was lying. Where you been, nigga? In jail Alright now Let me ask you something Because

Do you think all your friends Deserve to be let out? Are you one of those guys That's so loyal Like no matter what Some of them Some of them owe me money For real so fuck them

Right Some of them Some of them cool They just made mistakes but yeah they gotta lay down fuck it yep how many of your friends owe you money all of them how why do you keep letting like five of them because i used to sell drugs i used to let people i moved out here i just say fuck all the money i just left so when i come home, I'm collecting. Okay. How much money do they owe you? Probably like $300 combined. That's a lot to me, shit.

That's an oil change, an Airbnb. Hell yeah. White girl. Good place for you to lay down in. You know what I mean? You used to sell cocaine. Was that your main drug that you sold? I sold a lot of weed. It was illegal in North Carolina.

Heroin. All that shit. You sold heroin? Wow. You literally made people lay down. Fuck yeah, Malcolm. Well, that's fun. Life is good.

Anything else crazy that you want to talk about in this part? Any questions for our friends Steve Lemme and Kevin Hefferman? What's up? Y'all all right? What's up? We're doing all right. How you doing? If I start selling shirts, y'all going to buy some?

If you start selling shirts? Y'all going to buy some? Yeah, sure. Sure. Are you going to start selling them right now? No, no. What are you going to sell? A shirt that say lay down is going to have me in my car laying down

How much does the shirt cost? Probably like $15 You should give a little bit of heroin with it Every shirt, a little bit of heroin And just think, if you sell enough t-shirts You could have a Mercedes, a house with a gym in it You could have everything. That's not being humble.

Fuck that. Hell yeah. So you have an Airbnb until the end of this month, and then it's back to the car? Back to the hoopty. Yeah. Malcolm lives in his car next to a gym. Okay. How long has it been that you moved to L.A.?

Almost eight months. Almost eight months. What kind of car? 1992 Ford Tours. Okay. Are you tempted to sell drugs again to make ends meet? Oh, hell no. I'm done with that shit.

Okay, good. No, he actually gets Venmo'd money from fans of the show now. I got $15 before I got on the stage. Wow. Venmo'd to you. I'm like, thank you, lay down. Thank you, lay down. He just gets alerts.

Thank you, lay down. Have you trademarked lay down? No, I think I'm about to start doing, Lay Down. He just gets alerts. Thank you, Lay Down. Have you trademarked Lay Down? No, I think I'm about to start doing it, though. Yeah, you got to. That was an accident. You got to. There's fucking thieves. Five thieves have been up on the stage before you.

You got to trademark that shit. Ha ha. You better watch your ass, Malcolm. You need to lay down for real. All right, Malcolm. Well, it was fun to check in with you again. Another brand new minute. A lot of fun things on the horizon for Malcolm.

Super good. Who knows? Maybe Malcolm might even make it to Vegas or something like that. It's almost a traveling distance. That'd be a fun thing. But so he got discovered here on this show? Yeah. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. See? Dreams this show? Yeah. That's fucking awesome.

Yeah. See? Dreams do happen. Yeah. It's really cool. I mean, dreams do come true. Don't cry. Don't cry.

I'm getting emotional. Don't get emotional. That's what my dad said as he walked out the door. Dreams do happen. All right. I get the feeling that this isn't a real name. Jeremiah hasn't been cross-eyed for 30 minutes. Yeah, I didn't even say that one. That's a fake name.

There we go. How did these fake names get in? Josh didn't look at him. That's another fake name. How about J-D-E? Is there a J-D-E or a Joe? A Joe with bad handwriting? J-D-E. Here we go.

Here we go. Okay. J-D-E. Here we go. Here we go. Okay. JDE. Yeah, buddy. Yeah, buddy. What's up? Yeah. So I'm in the midlife crisis.

I'm in my mid-20s. And, no, it's for real. It's for real. Just raised up enough money to move out of my mom's house. Give it up for me. Give it up for me. Thank you. Thank you. I live with my grandma now. The rent is cheaper over there. I felt like that's a nice financial decision for me.

You get me? Any Jewish people in the house? Where you at? Thank you. Thank you. I see your nose. I see your nose. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm talking shit, I'm talking shit. So when it comes down to my whole life, I'm dating now. Hate the dating scene, hate the dating scene. L.A., I didn't know I was ugly

until I moved to L.A. I didn't, I didn't, I really didn't. In Miami, I'm a model. Statuesque. In L.A., I'm the men in black alien ant. Ain't that something? Where we at, Tony? Let me know.

Fuck yeah. JDE. Am I saying that right? JDE? So my name is Justin Elliott, if you guys don't know. I had to put that down there. They definitely don't know. I had to put that down there. They definitely don't know. How would they know that?

Because I've been trying. I've been here about four weeks putting my name in. You never called it, so I had to trick you. Pump fake. What does that mean? Trick who? Well, I mean. You just happen to have good luck this week, man.

Yeah. We don't like throw names away. I don't know how many names you think go into the bucket, but it's a lot. Four times you just changed your name. No, man. I kept putting Justin. I kept putting Justin every time. Jeremiah, what do you think? I'm just saying the system's

trying to keep us down, man. Exactly, man. Thank you, man. Jeremiah, man. Black people recognize black people. Alright, that's definitely my favorite part of the show. Jeremiah is so into character that he just actually convinced a black man that he was black. It happened. That's called

fucking commitment right there. And I got four eyes too, so you already know. I love it. So, what should I call you? Justin Elliott. Yeah, Justin Elliott. Miami. Or DJ Jazzy Jeff. I don't have no rhythm though, so it's all good. Justin Elliott, welcome to the show.

What's up? You are one of my favorite comedians that... All right, forget it. No, man, what were you going to say, man? Oh, wow, Jeremiah. I didn't set it up right. I was going to talk about how he's the first black guy I've seen in a soccer jersey on this show,

but I fucked up the setups. There was no real fixing it. I don't even watch soccer, though. That's the crazy thing about it. Oh, yeah, yeah? Yeah, I was in L.A., and I saw the jersey, and I was just all like it. That's your stand-up shirt, right?

No, not even. I just got dressed. I came from work, and I changed my shit. Yeah, yeah. When you put on your soccer shirt, do you use your hands? Yeah, I use my hands. Yeah, yeah. I don't even know the rules.

That's a good job. I got you. I got you. What do you do for work, Justin? So it's crazy. Oh, here we go. I'm a college guidance counselor. So like

a missions counselor. So kids come to me if they need assistance with registering and picking classes. What college? If I tell you, I gotta kill you. A lot of people watch this podcast. But I think it's pretty ironic considering the fact

I don't have my shit together, so I mean, I'm leaving. It's a pretty good college. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So it's USC or UCLA. They definitely do their background checks. Yeah, definitely do their background checks. Well, maybe you should have kept going by your fake name then, and you could have just told us the truth. Alright, well, how long have you been

an admissions counselor at a high-profile college? Low-key, it's been about two years. Why is everything low-key and crazy? Why do I feel like they hired a different Justin Elliott and you started showing up for the job after stealing his identity?

Well, it's crazy. I work at a college. Well, you know, because I gotta dress up and shit, so I can't go in there with tattoos and stuff. Right, or a soccer shirt. I gotta act like I want my benefits and my 401k plan, so I gotta act accordingly. White people,

usually my boss, so I'm sorry. You seem so young. How old are you? I'm 28. Yeah, man. I haven't been eating pussy, so I don't get no hair on my face. What the fuck? You got some on your lip. I hear that's the thing, though. I hear that's

the thing. I heard that's what makes it gross. You think that's how you get hair on your face? Yeah, look at this shit. Look at this shit right here. Ah, it's a pussy eater. Man, if that... Right above the brow. If that was true, my prison name would be Gandalf. Jeremiah motherfucking Watkins You don't like eating pussy? Do you like eating pussy at all?

Is it a choice? Or you haven't been eating pussy? I had a bad experience I'm not gonna lie to you Tell us about it Slowly and in good detail That's how he found out he was nearsighted had a bad experience. Oh, no. What happened? Tell us about it in slowly and in good detail. That's how he found out he was nearsighted.

So I was, you know, I was down there doing my thing, you know? I was down there doing my thing, down there doing my thing, and, um... Wait, wait.

Were you doing your thing? I was doing my thing. I was down there doing my thing. I was down there doing my thing. Down there doing my thing. I just wanted to make sure.

I just wanted to make sure. What is that thing you do? You know, you try to count the alphabet. You know, you try to do your thing. I just want to make sure. What is that thing you do? You know, you try to count the alphabet. You know, you try to do your thing. Count the alphabet? Oh, shit. I really, now I think it is crazy that you work at a college.

You know, every once in a while you need to count your alphabet. You know, all the way from A to 26. But they say that's what you do. That's what you do. All the way from A to 26. You know what I mean? By the time I got to B, I knew it wasn't a good idea.

Really? Tastes like a Duracell battery. That was the butt then, dude. It wasn't a good look. It wasn't a good look. So I just had to get off of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always like it when my pussies taste like Energizer batteries.

You know what I mean? It's real talk. Real talk. Do you eat the butt? Whoa. You seem what I mean? It's real talk. Do you eat the butt? Whoa. You seem really disappointed in me. When you say that it tasted like a Duracell battery, does that mean that you kept going

and going and going? That's energizing, man. I know. It didn't matter, though. It still got the laugh. I knew that going into it. I found it to be worth it in the moment, and I'm more professionally trained than you, so I took the chance. It was like that initial shock but nah I wasn't feeling it. What do you think went

on there? Was she maybe like on her period or she just wasn't taking care of herself? Was this a one night stand? Was this a girlfriend? Low key, low key, low key we was messing with each other for a while and you know when you fuck a few times you get a little bit excited. And you want to go that extra step, right?

Unfortunately, the extra step bit me in the ass. Literally. Wow. Yeah. Not literally, but you know what I mean. Figuratively on my tongue. Right. So you're saying that, what, it just tasted bad?

Did it smell bad? It was deceptive, Tony. I'm not going to lie to you. Deceptive? What was it, a dick? What are you talking about? Man, it was a decepticon. Nah, it was just like, it didn't have no smell to it. It was just like, once you got the taste, it was just like,

it wasn't, it wasn't. Did you spit it back inside of her? Oh my god. Red band, stop it. Bring up the sound effect board. Play that smart car one that I wanted. Oh my god. Red band, stop it. Bring up the sound effect board. Play that smart car one that I want. You know, I've been largely not attacking your guests here tonight, but I'm fucking changing now.

Welcome to a new segment of the show we call Good Cop, Bad Cop. Where Steve switches. Here we go. It's just like as a pussy lover, you've got to eat the pussy. Yeah, that's true.

Fuck yeah. Jeremiah agrees completely. And a lot of guys like that flavor. Yeah. Yeah. You like Duracell battery flavor? I saw him popping Duracell batteries like they were fucking Tylenol in the back.

Fucking Skittles. Watch batteries. Yeah. When I'm not licking pussy, I'm licking Duracell batteries. Hey, that's what's up. That's what's up. That's what's up. Man, I like pussy so much, sometimes I lick car batteries.

Okay, Jeremiah. That's what's up Man I like pussy so much Sometimes I lick car batteries Okay Jeremiah So let me ask you something JDE Justin Elliot So when you got down there And you noticed the taste was weird How long until you hit the eject button And bailed out of there I'm telling you man as soon as I

Got that first Did you say something Did you lie to her Oh I just want to fuck you so much I don't even her? Just like, oh, I just want to fuck you so much I don't even want to eat your pussy anymore because I just want to fuck you because I want to, like, make love to you with my dick so bad. It's not because your pussy tastes weird. I just want to fuck you.

I couldn't fuck, Tony. I couldn't fuck. Wow. I couldn't fuck, man. That was a big turnoff. Man, hygiene is very important. Wow. I don't know, man. There's just too much pussy out here, man. I feel like I can get pussy anywhere Hygiene is very important for a guy wearing a

Fly Emirates soccer jersey I like it when a girl goes for a 20 minute walk before you eat that pussy Oh good god No No Brian's making girls exercise I'll take 40 minutes.

You got to take a shower, bro. You got to take a shower. You got to take a shower. Runyon Canyon pussy. Okay, Brian. Brian. No, man. Jesus Christ.

I'm telling you, if it's, you know what? If it smells, I won't shower afterwards. The whole next day, I'll be smelling myself. Scratch and sniff. You know that going down on a girl makes you a better lover, right? Wow. Listen to all these women

howling with dirty pussies. What the fuck? Just wash yourselves. A lot of joggers out there. Just fucking take a shower. This is all Runyon Canyon right here. Yeah. Fucking take a shower.

I like my pussy. I like my pussy rechargeable. I like pussy so much, I don't even care if there's a dick inside of it. That's why I'm going to move over here. Where's my extended labias? Justin Elliott, other than the fact that the last time you ate pussy, it didn't go good. What else about you? Any other fun facts about you that we would find interesting?

Any weird quirks to your whole back story? His dick never stinks. That's it. His dick never smells. Ah, yeah. Captain Clean Cock over here. Look, I mean, no. I really just got caught cheating on my girl, so that wasn't a good look.

Oh, yeah? How'd you get caught? I didn't like it. I felt like it was a lot of dishonesty both ways. She found out before I knew. How'd she find out? She didn't. She went through your phone or she just smelled your stinky dick?

She bought me an Apple Watch. She bought me an Apple Watch. Oh. She tricked you with the Apple Watch. She got a GPS tracking system. Oh, shit. I'm selling the Apple Watch She got a GPS tracking system Yeah Oh shit I'm selling the Apple Watch By the way

If anybody is interested Dude Man Comes with a crazy bitch But you know Is that true? Fuck yeah Do you do a joke about that

On Stitch? That's a bitch That's my bitch But is it true? No this is true That's a true story She bought you an Apple Watch She tracked you

Via GPS How long after You got the Apple Watch Did it take her to find out that you were cheating on her? Well, technically, it took about two weeks because I'm so sloppy. Guys are sloppy. Yeah. And what

happened was I told her I was going to be a certain place and I wasn't there. So I told her I was going to be at my mom's house. Didn't go to my mom's house. And your dick tasted like batteries. My dick? Yeah. He's a cheater that doesn't eat pussy, ladies.

Line up. Yo. But, but, but, but, I share food, though. I share food, right? You shampoo? I share food. Oh, I thought you said you shampoo.

I was going to ask, well, do you also condition? All right. Wow. So she caught you. When did you know you shampoo. I was going to ask, well, do you also condition? All right. Wow. So she caught you. When did you know you were busted? Did you lie for a little bit before admitting it? You got to lie. You got to lie.

Right. You went for a while. Anybody been caught cheating before here? Hey, stick with me. Stick with me. Over here, Justin. I promise you. He's doing crowd work.

He's doing crowd work. I know. I love it. Just trust me. Sorry. Sorry. So it's okay. So Justin, how long did you lie for?

Like 10 minutes? She's like, you stupid fuck, you don't understand. I fucking watched you. I know where you were. And you're like, baby, the GPS must be wrong. And she's like, you are full of shit. There's no fucking way Apple's GPS is wrong. How long did you go in the lie?

You pretty much nailed it right there. Yeah, yeah. How long did you go in the lie? You pretty much nailed it right there. How long did you stay in the pocket? I lied for pretty much a day. A day? Yeah, I lied pretty much a day. Because I'm convincing though. I'm convincing.

So I'm your girl. I'm your girl. I'll do your girl. You do you. Alright, cool. Justin Elliott, you piece of shit. I know that I know that you've been going down somewhere else because I know you want your mama's house. Baby, I was at my mom's house. I was at my mom's house. What? I was at my mom's house. You know, that lady don't like you, man.

She been lying on the whole our whole relationship this whole time. You know what? I believe you. You're good at this. All right. Yo, kill Tony, everybody, man. our whole relationship this whole time. You know what? I believe you. You're good at this. Alright. Yo, kill Tony, everybody, man. Dope as fuck. Are you just dismissing yourself? What the fuck just happened? You think that's how it works? Just say the name of the show?

What the fuck was that? What are you, a goddamn magician? Where are you trying to dip out to? I know it ain't your mama's house! Stupid. Oh, shit. That's funny. That's crazy because that watch was the only gigs you're going to be getting.

Yo, come on. That joke is smart as hell. Think about it, dog. Justin, out of all the people that wore sweatpants up here tonight, you were my favorite. Thank you so much. Tony, to be honest with you, I didn't even want to wear sweatpants, man. I came straight from work. I didn't think I was going to get on stage.

Then you called me up. So next time I'm going to come in, it's tough. That's how you dress working at a college as a guidance counselor? Nah, man. I changed like coming straight from work. I didn't think I was going to get up. Like low key, I'm sick. Here we go.

Right. Have you ever made a move on one of the college students? I want to know that. Good question. Damn, that's a big question. I got to go though. I got to go. Justin Elliott, guys. Have a good night.

Wow, there he goes. Truly just pleading the pleading the fifth on the question of if he's hit on any of his college students. Clearly he has. I know the answer to that question. My guess is that he's probably pulled out a Trojan once or twice before at a meeting

at his unnamed high profile college. Tony, he doesn't like girls with double A's though. Oh God. Joelbert. Stinky pussy freshman. What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket

just one more time, huh? All right. Let's see what's gonna happen here. All right, whoops. There we go. And the name will be Carrie Carson, huh? Carrie Carson?

Carrie Carson. Come on. Nope. All right. It's like all the comedians. Blacklisted. You can feel all the comedians. You shouldn't really just blacklist people.

Okay, Brian, that part makes no sense. Nobody listens to it. We just have to keep momentum going at that part. It's blacklisting. Yeah, blacklist, blacklist, blacklist. It doesn't mean anything. They're on to us. That's what I'm saying, we should do it

No, we can't, there's too much to pay attention to You're going to keep track of who's blacklist and who's not? Josh can do it, he's out back masturbating Josh, what are you doing right now? Where is he? I'm in back masturbating See, I'm excited about this I guarantee you this person's here

It's just too cool of a fucking name to miss his spot Put your hands together for Paco Romain. Paco Romain. For the love of God. Fake blacklisted. Oh. But we mean it this time.

You're really blacklisted now. Alright, how about Sean Cuthand? Sean Cuthand? There you go. There he comes. Sean Cuthand. Ladies and gentlemen, who knows what can happen here? It's the opportunity of a lifetime.

You guys ready to meet one more person on Kill Tony? It's Sean Cuthand, huh? Jeremiah's playing Careless Whisper. Life is good. You had more fun on a Monday than anybody else in the world. Make some noise one more time for Sean Cuthand. Yeah, yep. How's it going? So yeah, one of my favorite places to visit is Jamaica. And so I've been there a bunch of times and I've noticed that, you know, when people travel, they like to say, like, oh, I like to leave the resort and engage in the local culture, you know?

But I like to do that, too. The only thing is, when you do that in Jamaica, that's twerking in the clubs all night, you know? And I think, like, you're not doing it properly in Jamaica unless you got just a little drop of cum on the tip of your dick, like right there, you know? Because the dance floors are full contact there. But, you know, I was on a catamaran trip this one time, and the staff, they try to get you all hyped up, you know? And you're kind of in a vulnerable position there in a bathing suit. And this

girl comes and she just starts twerking on me. And my dick just starts bouncing around. Sean Cuthand, there you go. All right. Okay. Thanks, Jeremiah. Okay. Alright. Sean, how's it going? Oh, not bad. Are you super Canadian? Yes. Wow. You are Canadian as fuck. What town? Where? From where? From Saskatchewan. Oh, okay. And you guys

do real good up there. All my friends, we all love that movie. Oh, good. Well, we're going to see how well you guys do after this next one. After they see Super Tro. Oh, good. Thank you. Well, we're going to see how well you guys do after this next one. After they see Super Troopers 2, it might be one of my favorite running jokes throughout the movie about Canadians. Have you seen it yet? Not yet.

It's unbelievable. We love Canadians. We love Canadians. Hell yeah. It's amazing. You haven't seen it yet? I'm going to be so nice to you right now. Oh, there's a Canadian joke in there? Oh, yeah. Just one joke. Oh, maybe one or two. Oh, man.

You are so Canadian. I mean, you are from the oil, snow-covered fields of what? Saskatchewan. Yeah. Wow. You know who's from Saskatchewan? A guy who's guested on Kill Tony once or twice, the late, great Rowdy Roddy Piper. Originally born and raised in Saskatchewan.

Fun fact for you people that just joined on as fans because of so many great reasons is that there's fun episodes out there. I think that's like episode 50 or 60-something. Look at Tiffany Haddish as the Iron Patriot. That was one of those. Multiple episodes with Tiffany Haddish. Roddy Piper was Canadian? Yeah. Others are Scottish.

Yeah, no. Believe it or not, not all of everything in pro wrestling is real. What? Cut that. Cut that. We have to edit that out of the podcast. Sean, what do you think is the most Canadian thing about you? Like of all the Canadian

stereotypes. Like what is it? You ever do a keg stand on maple syrup or something like that? Well, I actually say A way too much. Say A? Say A, don't we do this every day, A? I work them long nights, long nights to get a payday.

No? Okay. I'm the only Kanye West fan in the room. I thought everybody was going to sing along with me there. No one likes Kanye. Kanye's a bitch. Oh, wow. Jesus. All right.

I know that's not true. Kanye's an unbelievable musician. What's the most Canadian thing about you? I don't know. I'm indigenous. That's as Canadian as it gets. What does that mean though? First Nations.

Native Indian. Mexicans. First Nations What about the food? What kind of Canadian food do you like? Canadian food We make bannock and up there, moose meat What about poutine? You like poutine?

That's more a French thing What was the name of your Canadian Indian chive? Like Chief Cold Feet or something like that? Oh that gets a fucking groan? Shut up! Chief cold feet. It's cold in Saskatchewan. It's very high up north. You people don't know where the fuck it is.

His feet would be cold. Alright, fuck it. No, his Indian name... Jeremiah, what's his Indian name? Running Syrup. Running Syrup, Running Syrup. There you go. What was it?

Little Pine Reservation. Oh, Little Pine. Yeah. Oh, all right. It's adorable. Hey! You know, but up there we like to say there's nothing finer than a Little Piner. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, wow. Okay, okay. You play music? You play bass guitar or something like that? No, I used to be a music promoter, though. Do you know you look like a bass guitarist? Has anybody told you that before? No, no.

No? They should have told you that. If you weren't in some place as isolated as Saskatchewan, someone would have told you that by now. How long have you been in America? I just came here for a week just to mess around with my buddy. Yeah, pretty much. I've only been doing open mics for like seven months, and we just kind of came out here as a comedy excursion.

Wait, you came what here? We just came here for a comedy excursion pretty much. What did you say, though? You said a second ago you said something. You go, we came blank here. What did you say? He's messing around with his friend. I think I just...

It began with an O. What was it? You came... Over here? Come on. You don't remember what you said? You don't want to say it? I don't know.

O-O-T. O-O-T. It's spelled O-O-T. We came out here. Do we even say it? Out. Out. Out. How do you say it, here? Out. Do we even say that? Out. Out. Out.

How do you say it, though? Out. But how do you really say it? Out. Out. Out. No. You said it.

It'll haunt you when you rewind and listen to this. Put it in the VCR and rewind it. Ah, you know, me and my friend came in out. Out. All right. I had sex with a Canadian in jail. He finally came out of the closet. Sean, what do you do for work? I'm just like an admin assistant in an office.

Admin assistant in an office. What kind of office? Native government office. Wow, look at the smile that comes across his face when he gets that fucking high-paying government job for the blood that runs through his veins. Did the Canadians ever fuck with

the Indians as bad as the Americans? I mean, because we had guns and shit. Canadians are pussies. So what did they do to the Indians? What did they do, like throw snowballs and shit? Hey, get off our land now We're Canadians Gotta go

They put the kids in residential schools And try to take away their culture Oh, shit Sorry Would you like some Top Ramen? Any questions or anything? Yeah, what do you think about America? How are Americans different than Canadians in your eyes?

I don't know. I was expecting a lot more confrontation, but it's been pretty nice. What did you say, motherfucker? Hell yeah, Red Band. Fuck yeah. Someone completed course UCB 101, level 1A. All right. Do you notice that Canadian pussies taste different than us? Oh, my God. course, UCB 101. Level 1A. Do you notice that Canadian pussies taste different than... Oh my god.

Yeah, man. That's why they call it Canadian bacon. Where do you think the term moose knuckle comes from? Do you have a girlfriend? Or a wife or something like that? You have a tattoo on your hand. What's that? On your wrist? Oh yeah, you have a girlfriend? Do you have a girlfriend or a wife or something like that? No. You have a tattoo on your hand. What's that?

On your wrist? Oh, yeah, you have a ton of tattoos. And you don't play bass. Are you sure? Yeah. What's the most extreme thing about you? Like, you're wearing all black. You got tattoos.

Like, what's something that you're into? Like, you ride skateboards or something like that? You got your nipples pierced, don't you? I just like putting myself through pain. Oh, yeah? Emotionally and physically. What's the most pain? No, just kiddingced, don't you? I just like putting myself through pain. Oh, yeah? Emotionally and physically. What's the most pain... Let's get out of here.

What's the most pain that you've ever been through? Anal. I hope it's emotional. How about physical? What's the most physical pain you've been through? Worst physical pain you've been through? I don't know. Worst physical pain. I dislocated my knee like 20 times.

20 times? Wow. How did you do that? It just, I don't know, bad knees running my family. Oh, yes. A lot of people know the bad knees are the tribe from across the... He's from Wounded Knee. What's up?

Yeah. Fuck yeah. What's up? Fuck yeah. What's up? You guys better be careful or he'll sue you. Okay. Have you ever done ayahuasca or any kind of drugs with your tribe? No, nothing like that.

We do sweat lodges back home where you pretty much get in a deep fire pit covered completely dark. Yeah, that's called prison, dog. You you pretty much get in a deep fire pit covered completely dark. Yeah, that's called prison, dog. You pretty much sit in there until you have a moment. What's your spirit animal? Do you find toilet paper disrespectful?

Okay, too many questions coming from this area right here, mostly. Just take a breath, Brian. Maybe it sounds a good time to meditate or something like that Sean What was the question you asked? What's your spirit animal?

Well actually we call them clans Okay Brian relax Jesus Christ Wait what do you call them? Clans Clans with an N Oh clans K-L-A-N Whoa there with an N. Oh, clans.

Okay. K-L-A-N. Whoa, there's no Ns in the clans we got here. Your mom's side carries over, so I'm a snipe. Your mom's side carries over. Snipe? You're a snipe? Yeah, it's a little bird. You close with your dad?

Okay. You're out of control. You're close with your dad? Yeah, Brian. You're out of control. You're close with your dad? Yeah. What does he do? He's a writer and he's in documentary filmmaking and stuff like that.

And he writes and does documentaries about Canadian, native Canadians? Canadian issues, yeah. Right. Does everything that the Indians do have to do with being Indian?

Just an honest question. What's like a breakout Indian? I'd say we've been in silence for so long, we've got to get our voices out there. You got to get them what there? You got to get our voices out there. I walked right into that one. Oh, well, there you go.

All right. Sean, when you say that you like being heard emotionally, what does that mean? Like, you in a relationship now? No. Wow. Well, if you were, you're not anymore after that long delay. That's a nerve.

So there's, you know, a joke. I'm going someplace with this. Like, why do Indian people have feathers on their head to keep their wigwam? I'm going. What's your favorite white person joke? Good question. All right, well, let me ask it more directly. I think you'll like this.

What do you hate most about white people? I don't know. You got me up here like I'm some sort of science Jeremiah, let me give you an example Of how easy a question this is Prisoner Jeremiah, what's your least favorite thing About white people? Aw man, they stink Alright, there you go That's an answer

Your turn, Sean I'd say they're always turning their noses at me. Whoa. What's that nose joke supposed to mean, man? Are you making fun of Jeremiah's nose right now? Yeah, man, that ain't cool, cuz. I mean, those are two noses. Man, watch yourself, dog.

Your beard be looking Apache. Wow. Sean went from being post-Malone to roast Malone. All right, Sean. Well, fun times. You came all the way from Canada for a week, and here you go. You made it here. We got to meet you, talk to you, and have fun with you.

Did you have fun? Yeah. This is like the highlight of your life. You're from Saskatchewan, right? No, this ain't the highlight of my life. No, let me ask you this then, you son of a bitch. What is the highlight of your life? Like, what's your favorite thing you've ever done?

Like, what's that? Kill a white man on the battlefield? With a spear or something like that? Threw it a long distance? I can sort of picture this. I like to cum on white titties. Whoa! Hell yeah, dawg.

Hell yeah. Yeah, dawg. So you're a tits guy, not an ass guy? That's cool. That's smart. That's a smart response. You like titties a lot? Sure. How much would you like them

if beer came out of the titties, though? Oh, God. Alright, Sean Cunningham. There he goes. We did it. Episode 262 of Kill Tony. With Super Troopers 2 stars Steve Lemming, Kevin Heffernan.

We did it. Super Troopers 2. Check Lemmy and Kevin Heffernan. We did it. Super Troopers 2. Check out Batman Little Boy on Netflix, Below the Belt, Tacoma FD. Here's the drawing of tonight's episode from Ryan J. Ebel. Check that out. House artist draws everything. How about we make some noise for our guests, Steve Lemmy and Kevin Heffernan, huh? Fuck yeah.

This has been a dream come true. Anything else you guys want to plug or say or anything at all? Go ahead. Fire it off. Any dates coming up or anything like that? We have a lot of comedy fans. I think Nick Country's opening up for us.

In Gotham City, perhaps. Yeah, in Peoria, Illinois. Yeah. No, we got nothing to say. Just go see Super Troopers 2 in theaters right now. Seriously, make sure you fucking see it. It is so, so, so, so funny.

Thank you guys for making it great. I mean that. Thanks for doing it. As a fan, I'm so glad to see you guys back. The truth of the matter is we are still independent film artists and if a lot of people go check it. As a fan, I'm so glad to see you guys back. The truth of the matter is we are still independent film artists, and if a lot of people go check it out in the theaters, we can make Super Troopers

3, we can make Potfest. Don't cry. I'm getting emotional. I'm getting emotional. I saw Super Troopers 1 when it came out in the theaters and I marked my calendar, because back then, when I was a sophomore in high school, you literally had to mark your calendar for when the DVD came out. And the day that the DVD came out, I remember, my sophomore in high school, I had a viewing party with all my buddies where I lived with my mom.

We smoked pot, watched the movie, me and eight friends, and it was one of the first times where I got the feeling of like making my friends laugh by showing them something and it was awesome then and it was awesome to get to work with you guys tonight. Thank you so much. Thank you. Jeremiah Watkins. Hey, what up, y'all?

Yo, follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp. I got a new weekly podcast that comes out every Monday called Jeremiah Wonders. Where he plays character. Let's just say there's a lot of different characters and character call-ins. I think it's an amazing state-of-the-art podcast. I'm a huge fan. Keep going.

Thanks, buddy. The episode. Okay, calm down. Episode with Johnny Pemberton is out now. And then come see me with the Golden Pony in Salt Lake City, Utah and San Francisco coming up. Yep. Salt Lake City this weekend. San Francisco in a few weeks.

Chroma Chris, what's up, man? I'm on Instagram. All my shows are on there. Just follow at Chroma Chris. You'll find them. Chroma Chris, what did you think about tonight's show? You know, Tony? I think it was good.

Fuck yeah, Chroma Chris, everybody. That's the most he's ever talked. How about, shall we make a little bit of noise for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez? Yeah, plug it up, bro. I'll be in the belly room at 10 o'clock on Friday And also, this is sappy, but Kill Tony fans, like this past year

Of my life has been kind of, has been incredible So thank you guys for coming out Caring what we do Fuck yeah Little cheesy, cheesy version Of Joel, one can almost say that's very Queso of you, huh? So many dates coming up.

You Kill Tony fans are lucky. Why not, you know, Vegas is the type of place where flights are actually pretty cheap, too. I thought about this the other day. Especially Southwest. Yeah, I mean, it's cheap to fly to Vegas from wherever you live. So, I mean, if we're going to be there May 11th, there's still some tickets available. Why not make a fucking little weekend out of it? Kill one bird with a stone.

We're there on the Friday night, May 11th. San Francisco, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Lansing, Grand Rapids, Detroit. The five-year anniversary with Rogan and Irera here in June. Detroit with Danny Brown. Fort Worth, Texas, Austin, Houston. Big announcement coming up next week. And so that's just

Kill Tony. I'm doing stand-up in a ton of different places, too. You heard that at the beginning of the show. But come see Kill Tony live and come see my stand-up. And thank you, live audience, for coming out tonight. Go see Super Troopers 2. We love you. RyanJEBelt.com for art and fun things. There's a brand

new Kill Tony t-shirt coming soon. Super soon. Super, super soon. Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. That's Kill Tony. Thank you guys so much. We love you. Have a good night. Thank you. Woo! Welcome to Canada It's a make-believe state

Canada, oh Canada It's great, the people are nice And they speak French too If you don't like it, man, you're screwed