KILL TONY - KILL TONY #263

Episode Date: May 4, 2018

Sara Weinshenk, Ali Macofsky, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 04/30/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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This Mother's Day, FTD can help express your feelings for mom through a floral work of art that's delivered straight to her door sure you could send a text but what a great way to show the moms in your life how much you care with breathtaking flower arrangements from fdds expert florist network they have amazing bouquets and arrangements that will brighten her home and her day. To get 25% off, that's 25% off. Wow. Off a florist-type bouquet for mom this Mother's Day, go to FTD. That's FTD.com slash Mother's Day. That's all you got to do.

Just go to FTD.com slash Mother's Day. And, yeah, they'll take care of you. You'll get 25% off. So check it out. If you go to our website, DeathSquad.TV, there you can find all the past episodes of Kill Tony. Just click on video and you can see all the video portions. Or you can click on tour dates to see where we're at next. Not only do we do the Road Famous Comedy Store every Monday, but we're all over the road guys. We are coming to Vegas. That's just like next week.

That's right. Uh, that's May 11th. We're doing a death squad, uh, kill Tony show. And then we are doing a, a comedy show. Did I say that right? We're doing a kill Tony show followed by a comedy show. Did I say that right? We're doing a Kill Tony show followed by a comedy show. And that's at a place called The Dive Bar. That's May 11th. Also, May 19th, we're going to be in San Francisco for one night only, Kill Tony. So check out Kill Tony, May 19th.

And then August 4th, we'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. September 22nd, we'll be in Detroit. 29th, we'll be in Fort Worth, Texas. September 22nd will be at Detroit. 29th will be in Fort Worth, Texas. Back in Texas. All these dates can be found by going to DeathSquad.TV and clicking on Tour Dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. He's all over the place.

Right now, I mean, he's out of town right now. He's in Spokane right now. But you can check out his website. right now. But you can check out his website. He's going to be at Boston pretty soon, and a bunch of different places. Go to his website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He also drew the Kill Tony book. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopS tv there they have the kill tony shirt and the new shirt is going to be there and we have death squad hats and death squad

shirts just go to shop squad dot tv alright guys here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red Band coming to you live from the road-famous comedy store Belly Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hi, everybody.

Whoa, here we are. Look at this. Fuck yeah. It's another episode of Kill Tony. You're at the number one live podcast in the world right now. Are you guys excited? The great Brian Redband is here. My buddy.

Every goddamn episode. The powerful Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's show. While you guys all sit there enjoying yourselves, Ryan J. is going to be drawing tonight's episode. All those prints are at ryanjebel.com, including Kill Tony posters, Kill Tony the book.

Which we've been signing a ton of copies of and sending those off. Bunch of fun things happening in the world of Kill Tony. Like Vegas, where we're going to be on May 11th. That's going to be a ton of fun. San Francisco as well on May 19th. We're doing stand-up shows before San Fran and after that show on the Saturday.

Boston Calling on May 26th. And other fun things. Michigan three times in September and Texas three cities in September. So that's going to be a lot of fun. And let's make an announcement. Kill Tony will be

heading back to New York City for Skank Fest on July 14th and 15th. It has been confirmed this week that we are keeping our loyalty to the Legion of Skanks and their fun festival, taking a ridiculous pay cut in order to have fun at a festival. The pay cut's probably because of Ari Shaffir running this year's Skank Fest. Yes, exactly. I mean, real budget cuts clearly this year, but they got us flights and hotels and we're

doing that shit. That's going to be awesome. Why make money when you can have fun? Right. Comedy. Oh, yeah. It's not quite as packed up here as I thought it would be. Josh, are you holding people back? Why is the back wall not filled?

This is exactly what I told this fucking guy. Oh, listen to the emotional crowd. Oh, my. What's Josh doing? And a bunch of other stand-up shows everywhere from me, TonyHinchcliffe.com, to see me do stand-up right now. And our biggest thing coming up, of course, June 18th. I'm pretty sure it's sold out or almost

sold out. Give it a try if you want. But the five-year anniversary of Kill Tony in the main room is happening. That's a really big deal. Yeah, with Joe Rogan and Dom Herrera. And I just went through every single guest that's ever been on Kill Tony. There was a tie who's been on Kill Tony the most.

Dom Herrera. And? Kirk Fox. Doug Benson. Whoa. No, that makes sense. I could picture that. I think it was 20 times each.

Wow. Isn't that crazy? I love that. So fun. Five years. And our five-year anniversary is going to be fun this year. Because guess what? I'm flying my mom out for it. Aw.

Hell yeah. Took care of it this week. Thank you, Spirit Airlines. Backseat of Spirit Airlines, huh? Yeah, it's fun. As cheap as it gets. With a few layovers. You know what I mean?

Really, teach her a goddamn lesson. Now, I love my mom. She's the best. I was raised by a single mom in a tough neighborhood. The story's true, people, and look at me now. The swagger is real. I love my mom, and her crazy sense of humor in all those dark, demented times

is one of the reasons how I ended up how I am. Me, Tony Hinchcliffe, one of the top young rising comedians in the world. And I'm really excited that she's going to get to be here on June 18th. And you know, Mother's Day is coming up. And this Mother's Day, FTD can help express your feelings for mom through a floral work of art that's delivered straight to her

door. Yeah. You know, I actually forgot my mom's Mother's Day last year. But luckily, you know, it's 2018. I just sent her an email and was like, hey, here's a year of Netflix. Just use BrianLikesBigTeebies at gmail.com. Look at that. Okie dokie.

There's a little plug for Netflix for Moms for Mother's Day. Anyway. But sure, you could send a text or you can send an email. But what a great way to show the moms in your life how much you care with breathtaking flower arrangements from FTV. TV. Okie dokie. Expert Forest Network. They have amazing bouquets and

arrangements that will brighten her home and her day. We actually got sent it. Oh my god. Oh my god. Get back there. Get back there. We actually both got sent this bouquet. Yes. And the bouquet is unbelievably amazing. Fuck yeah, Brian. Great stuff. The quality of the flowers bouquet yes and the bouquet is unbelievably amazing uh fuck yeah brian great stuff uh the

quality of the flowers was hey shut up up there god damn it what are you people fucking doing you're in a fucking live podcast get it together there's no fucking talking now we man is that you dude fucking little diva piece of of shit. Relax, will you? Sip your little fucking Pellegrino. My God. We're trying to do plugs up here. You're getting a little too cozy, Wee Man. Oh, my God.

It's almost as bad as plugging getting your mom a year of Netflix in the middle of an ad. No, you wouldn't send your mom junk. You wouldn't send them quality flowers. We have to edit this out now and take it from the top. We literally have to restart the episode. Okay. My mom is going to get

a ticket here to kill Tony. Yeah? Yeah, no, I got her one. Flew her, flying her in for it, and she's a big deal to me, you know? I love my mom. She's a big reason why I ended up being one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world.

This Mother's Day, FTD can help express your feelings for mom through a floral work of art that's delivered straight to her door. You know what? Actually, I forgot my mom last year. I forgot Mother's Day. No, no, no, you didn't. Sure, you didn't. And I ordered her

FTD flowers. Yes, there you go. Very good. I don't even know if they existed last year, but sure. No, I did. I actually ordered her, and it was very nice. Can't you just read the fucking thing? This is unbelievable.

Read it. Sure, you could send a text. But what a great way to show your mom how much you care with breathtaking flowers. Arrangements from FTD. They're an expert florist network. FTD. They have amazing bouquets

and arrangements that will brighten her home and her day. You know, we actually got sent these flowers and they're really good quality as they were last year. You know, what you pointed out in one of your social media posts that I love is how important it is to smell the flowers and I was doing that with that bouquet. It was unbelievable.

To get 25% off a florist style bouquet for mom this Mother's Day, go to ftd.com backslash Mother's Day. That's ftd.com Did you say blackslash? No, I didn't say blackstache. That's ftd.com backslash Mother's Day.

Please go to ftd.com. It's all one word, slash Mother's Day. FTD, we can arrange that. I love smelling flowers. Me too. Speaking of smelling flowers, we have an amazing guest for you tonight. How many of you are real fans of Kill Tony?

And maybe have listened to a couple few episodes before. Then you're in for a really special treat. Here's a little blast from the past for you. Two former Kill Tony regulars that are now living the lives of young rising comedians.

Put your hands together for the greats. Ali Makovsky and Sarah Wineshank. Wow. Holy shit. Yeah, you are. I'm back. I love that you said that. That's funny.

I said that outside to Wineshank. I actually used the words back in the saddle. Or did you say black in the saddle? Oh, okay. I see. Hi, ladies. Welcome. Hi. Look, it's Sarah Winesh Oh, okay. I see. Hi, ladies. Welcome. Hi.

Hi. Look, it's Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Hi. Allie Makovsky. What's up? Hi. So much fun stuff happening. How you guys doing?

I'm great. I just chugged like two coffees and I'm fired up right now. Yeah. You know what I always learned was that I was overdoing coffee. I always thought like I needed more coffee, needed more coffee. And then I realized that if you have too much coffee, you can sort of just shut down. Like, you sort of get in my head too much. And then you crash.

Sure. Well, we'll see how this goes. All right. Here we go. Yep. Sarah, you are one of the hosts of Stone Science, streaming May 14th on Gas Digital. Twelve episodes going up there. And your first episode with Doug Benson is on YouTube now.

Yes, we do an ant farm with Doug Benson, and it's presented by Speedweed. And I asked Allie Makovsky what she wants to plug, and she said her Instagram. Yep, that's it. That's all you need to know. You'll find everything there. Wow. And I'll tell you, I'm getting this feeling from Allie. I've only seen it once, and it was a week before Tiffany Haddish's movie came out.

And she just had this swagger about her. Allie showed up one minute before the show started. It's true. All right. Real good energy in this room so far. You know, my favorite part of Kill Tony, and I'm a little bit of a comedy snob, is the band. I love the band, and every single week they play different characters,

and you never know what they're going to do or who they're going to commit to being like throughout the episode. It's always fun to see what happens with the Kill Tony band, the best damn band in the land. It's always fun to see what happens with the Kill Tony band, the best damn band in the land. It's Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris.

Yeah! What is it going to be tonight? Whoa! Immigrant song. Wow! Wow! Are these international tourists I'm picking

up on? I think so. Yeah. Looks like this perhaps Swedish girl just figured out what Instagram is. I'm excited about this. Hello. Am I right? Are you guys international visitors?

Oh, hi, Tony. We're phone exchange students. Oh. Wow. I love that. And where are you from? I'm from Germany, silly. How about

Joelberg? What's going on? What are you a... I'm from Cuba. Cuba. How about Joelberg? What's going on? What are you? I'm from Cuba. Wow.

That's what Cubans sound like to Mexicans. How about you, Chris? What's that? You're clearly a high school basketball coach. I come from Russia. That's the best I got, accent-wise. All right, well... Germany, you can sit down.

Those guys never know when to give up, you know what I mean? Fucking Germans. All right, well, the pieces are in place. I'm excited about this. We have a German with pigtails and a real thrown together outfit. It's called a ponytail.

You should know Golden Pony. Game recognizes game. Well, they're going to be hanging out throughout the entire show and you guys know how it works.

The whole show's about this bucket of comedians. I pull a name out of the bucket. You get 60 seconds on stage. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Wrap it

up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. So don't go over your time because no one wants to hear that. And that's pretty much it. Should we start this thing? You guys ready? I swear to God.

If you guys don't do better than that, I swear to God, I'm going to read this ad. Are you guys ready? You want to hear more about floral arrangements? Floral arrangements? All right. Well, let's do it. I pulled the name. They do 60 Seconds of Stand-Up, and then we talk to them about anything in the world.

Maybe we find out about their own lives. Maybe we figure out that they're, you know, the magician. Put your hands together for Mike Brody. Or Brody. I heard a yes. I heard a verbal yes.

There it is. It's coming from deep in the back. He can't even believe it. He is pumped. Hey, guys. Trying to get my life together. I stopped watching internet porn. Thank you.

If you're asking why, it's because I'm all caught up. All right? Just don't make another of this stuff. Got a chance to visit my mom on the road, which is great, love her to death. But to visit my mom on the road, which is great. Love her to death. But me and my mom, we got into an argument. All right?

I don't think I should have to pay for stuff around the house when I'm just visiting. All right? Tell me if you think this is fair. My mom caught me using a little bit of her lotion, and she made me run out to the store and buy a whole new comforter. Can you believe that?

Just trying to get caught up. I was a tough kid to raise, though. I was a dumb kid. I'll say this. I wasn't book smart, all right? In fact, I only read one book as a kid. What's that one character that never grows up, real quick? No, Anne Frank.

I read her book. And it was more of a diary. Not really a full book. But I was proud of myself. I did get a scholarship, though. I was the only white kid in a historic... Okay. Thank you. Hey, guys.

Mike Brody. Am I saying that right? Brocky. Brocky. Yes. Hell yeah. Where are you from, Mike? I'm from Chicago. How long have you been on stand-up? I've been six years Brocky. Brocky. Yes. Hell yeah. Where are you from, Mike? I'm from Chicago. How long have you been on stand-up? I've been six years, about.

Six years. How long have you been in L.A.? Three months. How's that going for you? It's cool. Real depressed, but it's great. You're more depressed here than you were in Chicago? Yeah, well, I didn't live in Chicago very long.

I moved around a lot. Where'd you go? I was in Delaware, where I was in the Air Force, then Florida, then Charleston. A little bit chubby for the Air Force. It's the Air Force. How did you get off the ground? Joel,

Wow, your Cuban accent might be the most racist thing in the history of this show, Joel. That's what he thinks Cubans sound like in his head. That's incredible. That's interesting. What'd you do with the Air Force? I was a mechanic, basically.

Ah, so they did. They kept you on the ground. Yeah. Very interesting. All right, I'm pretty sure Chroma Chris just got handed a ransom note. Jesus Christ. All right, okay, okay.

So, Mike, then what? You went from Chicago to Delaware. How long were you in Delaware? Delaware was where I was in the Air Force. So four years. And then I got the hell out of there. Oh, I love this song. Berlin. It's true. It is from a group called Berlin.

Wow. Look at that. Jeremiah Watkins. Hi, my name's Gustav. Nice to meet you, Gustav. Oh, hi. All right. So, wow, you were a mechanic in the Air Force. And now what do you do?

Nothing. I'm a door guy at Bar Lubitsch. Wow. You've been doing that for three months? Yep. Craziest thing you've seen at Bar Lubitsch so far? Just a lot of drunk idiots. Got to see Jeremiah. For those of you that don't know,

Bar Lubitsch is on Santa Monica Boulevard. It's sort of like a... How gay is it? 30%? That's a good question. I get that question a lot. It's not gay at all. No, but the location makes it about 30% gay.

Yeah, definitely. By default. By default, without a doubt. It's right across the street from a fire station. So one time I went to Bar Lubitsch and then I walked across the street and asked them if I could slide down the pole and that was probably the gayest thing I've done. And I've eaten pussy before.

Wow. There you go. Slid down the pole at Bar Lube. What's the gayest thing you've ever done? Oh, I haven't done it. I'm real vanilla. Not done a lot of gay stuff. I get hit on a lot by gay guys at the bar. At the bar, which you just

said isn't gay at all. Oh, wow. Mike's like, you should come to the bar. It's really cool. It's inside a closet. The first part of the name of the bar is Lube. Oh, Bert. All right. All right.

All right. Gustav, settle down over there. Hi. So, Mike, what are hobbies and fun things that you're into? Fun set. I could tell that you've been doing it six years and that you have a little bit of Chicago chopstick. That was fun, by the way. Thank you. Congratulations on that.

I appreciate it. What else is fun about you? I used to travel a lot, but now I don't do anything in L.A. I'm pretty boring. So when you say you're depressed and bored, is this like a fairly newer thing? I think I get the New City blues a little bit,

and then it's just been going on for a while. You guys know that song, right? The New City blues? I got the news in the blues. Oh, yes, I do. All right. Good job, Gustav. That was my attempt at American jazz culture.

Just turned Asian. I don't know what you're talking about. Well, I mean, what do you think? How do you think we could help this? What are some of the symptoms of depression that you've been facing? You've been staying in bed a lot? Keeping the blinds closed?

You live in a one-bedroom apartment by yourself? I live with a crazy Filipino lady. How crazy is she? Right, Americans? Where did you meet her at? Online. Wait, where online? Let's back up here.

Craigslist, where? It wasn't like Tinder or anything. On a fishing line. He was very hungry. So where? Just like a random apartment search Whatever What's the craziest thing about her? She like

She installed a camera In her house So she can talk to her dog And look at her dog during the day Yeah I have three of them What's wrong with that? Whoa So crazy right?

No It's only crazy if she doesn't have dogs. You live three times the life of a crazy Filipino lady. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of people that have those little cameras that throw treats out also. If your dog's at home for seven hours, throw him some treats, get to talk to him. It makes the dog happy. You just hate animals.

Yeah, and then the dog starts to think that the treat giver thing is its new master. Oh, yeah. It's just this depressed dog living under the tutelage of a robot. Do you have a crush on her? No, she's real. She's like 50, 60 years old. Does she ever have dates over or anything like that? No. No, nothing like that.

Huh. What does she do for a living? I don't know. She owns properties, I think. That's what her thing is. What's her dog's name? Mishi. Okay. I like that. Does she make you walk it and stuff?

No. It's an adorable dog. It's got like an underbite and stuff, so its teeth always stick out. It's pretty cute. But is it a Shih Tzu? It's like a tiny, yeah, something like that. You ever take a girl back to the place with the crazy Filipino lady? I haven't. No?

No. You been on any dates or anything like that? No, I don't have Tinder. I don't have anything. Why is that? Just focusing on comedy. On being't. No? No. You been on any dates or anything like that? No. I don't have Tinder. I don't have anything. Why is that? Just focusing on comedy. On being depressed. Yeah. Exactly. Very good. It's good to really focus on it. Oh, I think I hear Mishi. Is that

Mishi? That is exactly what it sounds like. It's crying awesome. Always cries. What a horrible house you live in. Yeah. And I work nights, so I wake up to it crying at like noon, which is part on me, but still. Wow. Yeah.

Interesting. Well, Mike, we have good news for you. Okay. We're giving you $50,000 right now. Thank you. To help you with your depression. Appreciate it. For the first time in Kill Tony history.

Great. See how good you feel? I don't believe you, but... No, yeah, it's not true. I just wanted you to feel good. You know what I mean? It's't believe you. No, yeah, it's not true. I just wanted you to feel good. You know what I mean? It's cool to feel good. That's what it's about. It's just proof that you could feel good.

If someone told you they were just giving you $50,000. Yeah. Alright, cool. Do you still have sexual desires and stuff? Or are you that dead inside? Yeah, I jerk off. Okay, so you're still okay. Yeah, I'm still alright. How often are you jerking off? Once a day. Alright, I'm still all right. How often are you jerking off? Once a day. All right, that seems healthy.

What time? First thing? First thing when you wake up? I usually wait. I usually wait. What's waiting to you? Like an hour. Yeah?

Yeah. Wow. Do you have breakfast first? Good question. Yes. Do you wash your hands after and then jerk off? Yeah, of course. You don't have to lie.

You don't have to ever use any of the... Alright. That's interesting. If you jerk off an hour after waking up and you eat breakfast, that means that... Where do you go? You have to go back in your bedroom and just sort of masturbate, huh? Yeah, absolutely.

What are you eating before you're masturbating? Sorry. A lot of eggs. Do you ever look at the dog when you masturbate? All right, and there you go. Has the Filipino lady ever jacked you up? That's a good question. Thank you, Joel Berg. Well, Mike, I really don't have anything else

to identify your character other than depressed. Okay. Yeah, I guess so. I had a whole bunch of stuff I wanted to talk about. Like what? Well, I was homeless when I was a kid. I got a crazy Polish dad. I traveled a lot, but yeah, I'm depressed.

Why is every other race so crazy to you? Crazy Polish, crazy Filipino? Well, he's legit crazy. Yeah, what makes him crazy? Like bipolar. Like, you know, hot and cold. Does that make him bi-Polish? Seriously, what does that even mean?

Because he said he's Polish. It's a country right next to where you're from. Yeah, okay. All right, Mike. Alright, Mike. We're going to keep moving on. It was nice to meet you. Way to go. There you go. 60 seconds from Mike Brodke. Brodke.

That really depressed me. Well, there you go. I feel like I'm going to know 90% of the comics we're getting out. Oh, God. What's that? No. What the hell are you doing here? What are you talking about?

No, that's not how it works. You're interrupting a live show right now. You can't do that. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Naomi Fitter. Yeah. Put your hands together for Naomi Fitter. Yeah. You guys see movement back there?

All right. I heard a good yes. Coming to the stage, from deep in the back, we have pulled the belly room to over capacity now. It's comedians. It's Naomi Fitter, everybody. Hi, everybody. I'm really shy. You start.

I'm originally from Appalachia, so at this point most people I graduated with have more kids than teeth. And I went home two weeks ago. I went home and I married my brother. That's true, actually, but depending on what you think of Appalachia may or may not be what you're thinking. I love rap music. I do. I love rap music. I do. I love it because it helps me get in touch with my loud side. And my favorite artist right now

has got to be Fetty Wap. And I especially love it when a car playing Fetty Wap passes me on the street and the frequency of the song shifts. I call it the Wappler effect. Yeah! It is choice. I call it the Wappler effect. Yeah.

It is choice. Wow. Naomi Finner. Oh, yeah. Let me guess. You're super depressed. No? Sometimes.

What the fuck was that shit? Gustav she is by far the funniest serial killer I've ever seen thank you why would you say that sure why Naomi how long have you been doing stand up

four years wow you really talk like that yeah this is how I talk, this is how I talk. Yeah, and this is how I talk. It seems like you need to break your mouth, pussy cherry, or something like that. Oh, my God. Are you broken or something?

Turn off your microphone and pay attention to the fucking sounds, dude. No, I mean, it doesn't seem like she's... I mean, it seems like... Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Maybe that will help. No, maybe I should fucking sounds, dude. No, I mean, it doesn't seem like she's... I mean, it seems like... Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Maybe that will help. No, maybe I should. Yeah, totally. That's what he meant by mouth cherry. It was a cigarette thing.

Anyway... It's like the Michael Jackson effect over there. Yeah, okay. Keep digging that deep hole. Alright. Did somebody say hole? Red man. I got your back, my friend. I like that guy.

I miss the last guy talking about what he ate for breakfast before masturbating. Naomi, what do you do for work with a voice like that? I make robots. Oh, my God. This is frightening. What kind of robots I make robots. Oh my god. This is frightening. What kind of robots? Nice robots.

I guess. I work in the interaction lab at USC. Interaction? Yeah, we make robots and stuff. Is that one of the only things you know how to say? We make robots. I guess so. She's glitching. Wait, are you really from Appalachia? I am. I'm so. She's glitching. Sorry about that. Wait.

Are you really from Appalachia? I am. I'm from southeastern Ohio. Okay, so this isn't a character. This is real shit, right? Yeah, most of my jokes are true, actually. Okay. I did marry my brother.

You really married your real brother? Because you said it's not maybe what you think. I officiated. When you say south... Oh. Sorry. When you say southeastern Ohio, you mean like Athens? Dayton? Oh, so I'm from sort of the eastern side of Cincinnati.

My dad works in Dayton, though. Oh, the eastern side of Cincinnati. So... I'm pretty sure that'd be southwest Ohio. Yeah, or West Virginia. Yeah, my brain glitched after my mouth. Sorry. No, it's okay.

Wait, are you? Anyway, um... My brain glitched after my mouth. Sorry. No, it's okay. Wait, are you? Anyway. Can you program yourself some more confidence, please? I made a funny. Thank you. Are you sure you weren't born in a library? No, but I just finished my PhD, so I've been in one for a while.

Wow, that's so interesting. How long have you been on stand-up? Well, four years. What made you want to do that? I'm quiet, so it's hard for me to get a room full of people to listen, so this is kind of the best way. Thank you.

Wow, look at that. The sound of they just got a magic trick done to them. So this is kind of the best way. Thank you. Oh, wow. Look at that. The sound of they just got a magic trick done to them. Did you hear that ooh, that ah? I know. That was impressive. Thanks. Wow.

All right. Well, Naomi, what's like the wildest thing about you? Clearly you are, you know, a little bit conservative in many ways. We want to know, when does Naomi really let that hair down, take off those clothes? You seem like one of the girls that would take off her glasses and just turn into a hot chick and crazy music plays. Okay, I've got a thing. It's not exactly

that, but every other year I have a giant outburst of rage. Wait. Alexa, repeat. What did you say? Thank you. No, it's true.

About every other year I have a giant outburst of rage. I don't drive in LA because I have these latent rage issues. What do you do? When you let out rage, what does that feel like? What does that sound like? Can you give us an example

of what your road rage sounds like? Can you just pretend like we're not here, you're in your car, somebody cuts you off, and all of a sudden, boom. I can't do it. I'll curse them. You're allowed. Full permission. I've never cursed on stage before.

Very good. You're not doing stand-up. You're being interviewed on a show. I take full responsibility for this. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, my gosh. I'm signing off on this. It's performance art, silly.

All right, so you're in your car. You're not on a show at all. Define mother. If closing your eyes helps or anything like that. All right, and you just got cut off. Go. Oh my gosh, what are you doing, you stupid fucking shit?

Holy shit. You still couldn't even let yourself do it all the way. You edited yourself at the end. She's self-believed. Like A&E episode or something. It's like live PD. I told you.

You son of a... When you go to a theme park and you're on, like, a big roller coaster, you're just like, whoo! Yeah. But I think it's interesting that you have these fits of rage

every so often. Like, maybe you could bring a little bit of rage to the stand-up. You know what I mean? Instead of just waiting for it to build and then having, like, a fit. I think bit of rage to the stand up. You know what I mean? Instead of just waiting for it to build and then having a fit. I think Sarah means rage to the stage. Exactly.

Has anybody else ever seen you let off this rage? Or is it always just in your car or in private? It's usually pretty private. Freshman year of college this is very personal. Oh I love it. I was getting stalked by a guy, and that led to one outburst,

but that's a pretty extreme case, you know. Maybe you don't know. If you don't know, be nice to women. Wow. So you were being stalked by some robot nerd guy, huh? More or less, sure. Wow. What's your PhD in? So you were being stalked by some robot nerd guy, huh? More or less, sure. What's your PhD in?

In mechanical engineering and applied mechanics. Wow. Wow. What's the coolest party thing you've ever done? You ever drink or hang out or anything? What do you guys do? Make fruit punch? Once I played Dungeons & Dragons. Didn't see that one coming.

How did the game of Dungeons & Dragons turn out? It was good. I was the character Taylor Smith. I was a... I was a blacksmith. You were a blacksmith? Yeah. Did you win? I don't know. I gave away a scimitar at a real

low price. What? What? Hey, Tony? Yes? Can I just say she seems like the kind of girl who climaxes readings of Dewey Decimal System? Man, so you got stalked. How's your dating life? It's good. No, I'm

married. Wow, you got married. Wow, what's the robot's name? Are you married to your work? No, no. I made myself a super vibrator. And I married Mr. Hitachi? It's just how I talk.

No, it's a real man. Naomi, does it ever get you in trouble, your voice? Like, are people ever think you're just being sarcastic? Maybe. I'm gonna be a professor starting next year, so we'll see how that goes. Wow.

I think we are all curious to hear what your dirty talk would sound like in the bedroom. I'm absolutely with Gustav on this one. Would you mind giving us an example? Oh yeah. So I have some bits about this, so excuse the prescriptedness, but I've got some

nerdy pickup lines I like to do. Yeah. Hey. Pretty good. I wish you were my derivative so you could lay tangent to my curves. Wow. Can I do more? Wow.

My bone was in the shape of a rhombus right now. I've got more if you want them Sure Hey baby Are you inspired by Heavenly Bodies in Motion? Newton was More like Fig Newton Why?

Why is it more like Fig Newton? Because I ate Fig Newton I don't know what Sazakai is Wow That's hot I have one that's more accessible if you want Okay, I would love to know what you mean by accessible Like wheelchair accessible

Like we'll understand it without a PhD Sorry Okay, that's okay Sorry What is it? Okay Hey boy Hi

Are you a 90 degree angle? Because you're looking right. Wow. Wow. I like that one. My butthole just went into the shape of a parallelogram. All right, Naomi. You've been coming to the Comedy Store a while?

This is my first time. First time ever at the Comedy Store. First time on Kill Tony. And there you go. We met her here on her very first time. Are you into bondage? Oh, my God, Brian. I don't know.

Yes, you are. Maybe I'll find out soon. There you go, actually. Wow, you really did just find out. That was pretty impressive. I can tell. Okay, that's enough. And it was Naomi Fitter, actually. You really did just find that out. I could tell. Okay, that's enough. And it was Naomi Fitter, everybody.

There she goes. This guy's out of control tonight. You're a little hornball tonight. You can see it in her eyes. Oh my god. Alright. She's a switch. Look at this sexy name. All right. She's a switch.

Look at this. Look at this sexy name. Put your hands together for Antonio Mantellolo. Mantellolo. Mantellero. Hey. He's like, oh, shit, I remember that. Oh, man.

So, man, I'm... I hate feeling stupid, man. Like, the other day, this chick asked me, Antonio, can you tell me about the metric system? And I started telling her about the metro system. And... And, um... The first time I met my wife,

I went to go pick her up on a date, and she's like, Antonio, where are you? I'm like, oh, I'm on the 164. She's like, what freeway is that? I'm like, it's the bus. When I don't have money for the bus, and if the bus driver is white or black, I act like I'm a Mexican.

I walk on the bus, and I'm all, oh, oh, and I just walk to his seat. And also, there's nothing more embarrassing than going on the bus and your tap card gets declined because it goes, ah, white people tap cards money for the bus, and all the broke people go, man, he's broke alright alright

I always wondered what it would be like if Mike the Situation from Jersey Shore did stand up Jim Tan bomb on Kill Tony I've never wondered what it would be like if the Situation did stand up.

I think the situation may have even himself prepared a little bit better than you did here. It's a bad situation. How much of that really happened? All of it. The girl asked you, Hey, Antonio, can you tell me about the metric system?

It was the last comic. No, so something. Well, no, I just, I didn't. No, I just, for the long, I didn't know what the metric system was, so. Someone asked me what the metric system was, and I just was like, I don't know. Oh.

You're like, no, I'm metrosexual. Did you really take the train? Huh? Did you take the train anywhere? Yeah of course I don't have a car now Oh yeah what happened to your car? I don't

That's funny Because your shirt went off the rails So my first My first So My jeep broke down And then my other truck I got rid of my truck

Because someone kept slashing my tires. Someone? Yeah. Who do you have beef with? Who do you think it was? I know who it was but I'm not going to talk about it just in case.

It was the situation. Do you have a pending why didn't you want to talk about it? Because I don't want to make the situation worse. The situation? What?

The situ... You're a real Jersey boar. Is it a girl? Can you tell us if it's an ex or something? It's probably a girl. Her new boyfriend, probably. Man. But you can't talk about it

why is that I'm just a little bit confused you're afraid she's going to hear this and what be mad no I just don't I just want to be left alone you want to be left alone yeah she's crazy how long has it been that you've been broken up I wasn't even ever with her

oh okay now that makes sense she know you got that good pipe ah that thick pipe yeah um wow

yeah like what's some of like the crazy stuff that she's done to you like what makes her I mean how many times did you hook up with her can you just tell us that

like five five times five six times and she slashed all your tires. Let's not talk about it. That's almost a tire for each time you slept with her.

I have a question. Why did you bring your sweatshirt up here and then just throw it on the ground right before you started? And you turned your hat backwards too, right? Yeah, it was a lot. There's no space up there. Where are you from? I was born in Alaska. I was raised out here in the valley.

Alaska and the valley. And where do you think you get this swagger from? Where does that come from? TV? I don't know, man. You asked me last time. I don't know. You don't have an answer for that.

You can't talk about the other thing. What can we get out of you here, Antonio? Maybe his bond is in him. Maybe it's my belief. In a dream world, what do you think we could talk about that would be entertaining? Because we can't talk about your set. I don't know.

Spray tanning? No, I've never spray tanned. What are some of the things that you do for your looks? What's the most extravagant thing that you do? I don't know. It's okay. It's a safe space.

Yeah, I'm married. You're married. To the game? Yeah. That's right. How long have you been married for? I've been married for three years and a half. When's the last time you got your tires slashed?

Like a month ago. Wow. About a month ago. All. About a month ago. All right, you're right. Maybe we should be talking. Yeah, let's not talk about it. Yeah, probably not. Does your wife or husband know

that it's someone, another lady who's slashing the tires, or is she like, this is crazy? No, he does. Yeah. Cute. Is that anal beads around your neck?

Yeah They have his scent on them Can I smell them? Yeah, go ahead, here Antonio It's your car Okay Antonio

What do you think What do you think is the worst thing about you? I'm a little inconsiderate Yeah Give us an example of you being inconsiderate lately. I interrupt people a lot. I talk over people. No, you don't.

Wow. All right. Selfish. What scares you? What are you afraid of? My dad. Yeah? What's your dad like?

Is he up in Alaska Physical abusive No he's out here He moved with you Well I I moved here when I was four Oh okay So you grew up in the valley

Mmhmm Me too Wow you moved here when you were four Like a five foot goes west kind of thing You ever confront your dad about the abuse Yeah And what did he say? Called you a pussy?

No, he just said, kind of, yeah. And he said, shut up, Antonio. I'm going to smack you in the mouth. And then what did you say? All right, Dad. What does he do? He was a bartender, owned a bar. I don't know.

He's a beverage director somewhere. Beverage director? What is that? He assigns the alcohol and drinks for places. What? What'd you say, Jeremiah? You might hit me. Never mind. How old are you?

23. Thanks. You're 23 and you've been married for how long? Three and a half years. I got married at 19. That seemed like a really good decision. I'm happy. How long have you been on stand-up?

Seven months. Seven months. How many spots are you doing in an average week? Like open mics? Yeah. I go every day. Probably like two, three, four a day. Wow.

In LA? Yeah. Huh. Now do you still do the opening every show? The hey? No, no, no. I just thought I did it here because of last time I remembered it.

Did you re-listen to your hey? I did no, no. I just thought I did it here because of last time I remembered it. So I was like, hey. Did you re-listen to your hey? I did. It cracked me up a little bit. I was like, I probably won't do that at a show. Are you guys talking about how he bombed on another episode right now? No, like last time he was on. No, I did good.

Yeah, he was just on like last week or two weeks ago. Yeah, two weeks ago. I did good. And when he opened up, he went, hey. And then he just went into like a normal voice. Yeah, I was like, hey. And then I started talking into a normal voice. Yeah, I was going, hey. And then I started talking normal. Hey, guys, that's called a callback, dummies.

Yeah, it is. Anyway, okay, Antonio. Well, you're pretty much, you know, you're just about as bad of an interview as it gets on this show. I guess. And maybe we can figure out something fun to talk about next time. Okay. If we come back sometime.

Sure thing. Sounds good. Yeah. And, you know, you're just going to have to, you know, something that you're going to have to figure out at some point is that you have to layer in jokes to the whole thing, you know. Yeah. Your opening joke there was about, like, not understanding.

It's about the two words being alike that's it there's not even anything really there it's just metric and metro and in people lose trust in you quick okay and you know if you throw out a punch line that doesn't work so like you know the rest of it was sort of just unlistenable can i ask a question yeah sure because you know you guys are professionals or whatever. Or whatever. Okay. So my question is, when there's stuff going on in your life that bothers you personally, and it stays in your head, and you get on a stage,

how do you handle that situation right now? I feel like, I don't know, I felt stressed with something else that I'm dealing with, so I carried it on a stage, so I felt like... That's be on stage, though. That's what you should be saying, then. Then you should be opening up with that and being more relatable and talking about how you actually feel and talking about the shit that you don't want to talk about. Yeah, but there's some times you shouldn't be on stage, right? There's times that I had to be on stage because it was a contract involved.

But if it was any other show, I would have canceled. No, I mean if you get hired to go somewhere. That kind of show is a lot canceled. No, I mean like if you get hired to go somewhere. I mean... I always perform. I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. Anyway. I think you need to be able to use it to get over your shit. If you're going to be doing this, you can't be having those

distractions and doing this if you're not using this for that. You should be talking about having your tires slashed and tell us all the details that you wouldn't tell us earlier. Yeah. If you're not going to talk about it, then you need to find a way to get in the right mental headspace. If that means meditating, listen to some fucking music,

do what you got to do, but you have to be able to get on stage no matter what. He's never going to meditate. Look at this. Actually, I do meditate. Really? Yeah, like three times a day. What do you go over in your head?

His meditation is punching orphans. Antonio, do you ever have fits of rage like Naomi Fitter? I actually, yeah. Tony, his shirt barely fits. Okay. Wow, you got

really insulted by that one. That was just pretty lame. Wow. No, it was because I said fits of rage. No, I didn't get offended by that. Oh. I just... I'm telling you it wasn't lame.

It was good. It was quick because I said fits of rage and you said your shirt barely fits. Both are true. Lucy, I'm telling you it wasn't lame. It was good. It was quick because I said fits of rage and you said your shirt barely fits. Both are true. Lucy, I'm bored. Can I say one thing? Okay, if you're going to decide to make some bold moves, like throw your sweatshirt up here, put your hat on and do all this stuff,

then you got to fucking crush it in the beginning for sure. You know what I mean? Otherwise, do that shit before you get on stage. It's too much. Yeah, you definitely can't do the hat turn backwards. I mean, like, Dice Clay could pull that off. But, I mean, he's going to destroy Gustav. Yeah, could I make one request?

I think we need to spend more time with this comedian. Oh, thank you. Like, I wasn't just about to get rid of him. Thanks, Gustav. I fucking love it when you do that. Fucking buffoonery. There he goes. Antonio Montalelo.

The worst. Just unbelievable. God damn it. Alright, moving on. So fucking fun. Un-fucking-real, man. I'll do that on Stand Up On The Spot sometime I'll fucking remember that doesn't apply to that show at all

yes it does, I'll figure out a way there's a light and a time when people wrap up and take it off the stage I'll figure out a way I love you I pulled another name out of the bucket put your hands together for Nick Romero. We have movement back there.

Here he is, Nick Romero, everybody. What's up? All right. If I come up to you and ask for a picture and you're famous and you refuse that picture, I will talk shit about you until the day your career dies or you. Okay.

Just so you know. Yeah, I always thought an adedictomy was the technical term for a woman in transition. Two down. Killing. You guys remember those commercials from the 90s, there's no wrong way to eat a rhesus? Bullshit.

We've all thought of wrong ways to eat a rhesus. For example, if I unwrapped a rhesus, crumpled it up, mashed it on my balls, and had my dog lick it off, that'd be a wrong way to eat a rhesus. Because dogs can't have chocolate.

Nick Romero. Fuck yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Not long, a month. Yeah. I love that. You're really owning it. You're different than the other people that have been up here so far

tonight. There's something that seems somewhat genuine about you. There's a real spirit and soul in there. I still feel like Naomi Fitter was just putting on a character for us. Yeah. Well, that's fun, Nick. So you've been

doing it a month. How old are you? I'm 30. I just turned 30 last month. Starting late, you seem like you have some life experience. You have tattoos down to the knuckles. Yeah. You seem like a... Oh, yeah. How did that happen? What's that all about? I'm actually a

musician, so the tattoo is kind of like... I don't know how it came with it, but it did. Has anyone ever told you that your face doesn't match the rest of your body? Is that true? You have the head of every agent and manager in Los Angeles.

That's what they all look like. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It's not a great thing. It's not the worst thing. It's not a profession I practice, that's for sure. What's the craziest tattoo you have? I have Charles Manson on my arm, actually. What?

Yeah. Do you have his ribs? No, I have his head, and he has a King's hockey crown on it. In 1967, the King's... What kind of music do you play? It's hip-hop. It's hip-hop mixed with rock. What's the name of your band?

Stray Life. How do you spell it? Yeah, you were supposed to open for me, and you bailed. Fuck you, Ally. Wow. I told you she was a diva. Till the day you die. Till the day you die.

I love that. Can't say I'm not bummed I didn't show up. I actually had Malcolm talk to Sarah. I put together a comedy show out in Hermosa, actually. How do you spell Stray Life? It's Stray Life, all one word, exactly how it's spelled. You can find it on Spotify and all that.

Exactly how it's spelled. What about Sarah? I'm doing a show. Yeah, she's doing a show that I put together for a lot of the local comics that are here. Okay, cool. In June, right? That's the local comics that are here and okay cool in June right keep going okay yeah yeah it's in June it's June 9th and you say local comics yeah well the the the comics here at the comedy store that I've like made friends with oh I thought you said local

comics local comics this is you yeah that's me wow is that a my music video or it's a one of them stress box yeah

so I did some time in jail for I actually had a domestic violence felony charge wow yeah

what happened there you slashed your boyfriend's tires yes fuck you Tony I'm so glad you want to talk about it finally I get to find out all the boyfriend's tires? Yes. Fuck you, Tony. I'm so glad you want to talk about it. Finally, I get to find out all the juicy details. Yeah.

So he only fucked you five times and you're like, I need his dick. All right. No, yeah. I got into it with a girlfriend of mine and the cops got called. We were living together. And at the time, i was doing a lot

of drugs and drinking and uh i'm sober since uh two and a half years now so that's awesome it kind of really turned my yeah i turn everything around my friends that's fucking yeah what was uh what was your uh drink and drugs of choice back in the day it was mainly alcohol and cocaine. Yeah. Alcohol, cocaine, and tattoos. How do you fill the void of sobriety? What do you do for fun?

I come here pretty often. I've been coming to your show for a long time. Wow, I love it. Kill Tony. Causes sobriety, ladies and gentlemen. Not a lot of people take note out of all the amazing features of this show. But yeah, anyways,

can I circle back to the show that I booked for the comics? It's kind of cool. What do you mean? I put together a show in Hermosa Beach with some of the comics that have come up. Malcolm's on it. Sarah's on it. Very cool. And a few of the others, Evan Jones, Chappelle Lacey. There you go. They're all going to be on it, so if you comics that have come up. Malcolm's on it. Sarah's on it. Very cool. And a few of the others,

Evan Jones, Chappelle Lacey. There you go. They're all going to be on it, so if you guys want to come out June 9th, come check them out. I love it. I love that you just plugged a show on a show where you could find all those comedians. Yeah. Perfect. These people are totally going to drive to Hermosa Beach for it. Please do. Good plug. That'd be

cool. Nick, how's the music going? You do that for a living still? Yeah, the music's going good. I work with Jeff Sahoon from Let Live. He's a, I don't know. Oh, Let Live. No, but yeah, we work on the music together, and then we ship it out to John Feldman and Travis Barker,

and they give production notes on it to figure out if we're on the right track. I said this last time but you want to pick up those names you just dropped? Yeah, there we go. Wait. I used to be obsessed

with Travis Barker. Really? Yes. I had like a famous Stars and Straps sticker on my car. Because he had a bunch of tattoos?

Yes. What's up, Sarah? Yep. Whoa. Let me ask you something, Nick. I was going to ask this because you've been sober for two and a half years

and I noticed this with a lot of my sober buddies. Are you addicted to sex? I'm addicted to fucking jerking off, dude. Really? Addicted to it. Wow, that's a guy that just really loves himself right there. How many times a day do you jerk off? It's definitely once a day unless I have a lot of time.

How about you? Where do you place it in your day? First things first? Breakfast in bed? Breakfast in bed, exactly. Wow. What do you do? Do you pull a laptop on the bed with you? Or go off your phone? Phone, right there.

It's interesting. Do you have one of those stands on your phone? I do have a stand on my phone. You do. That's how you can tell a phone masturbator, by the way. Everybody who has that, those guys jerk off in bed. What's all these?

That's the only reason you would ever use that for anything because it is really hard. You know, I stay at a lot of hotels out there on the road. I thought that was a dick joke.

Sometimes I'm out there and it's really hard to keep the phone standing and you don't want to hold it like that with one hand. I hold it with one hand. I don't even use the stand. I have to lean it against something. And you don't want to hold it like that with one hand. I hold it with one hand. I don't even use this hand.

I had to lean it against something. If you ever want to jerk off together, go stop. You just are so excited. Tony, did you just get possessed by a red band? What just happened? What the fuck? Double-handed Tony. What's up with all these people?

Like, once a day, if I can. I feel like I have a fucking problem right now. How many times do you jerk off? Like three or four, like a gentleman. Three or four times a day? Yes. Per episode.

There's 24 hours in a day. I don't, yeah, come on, apply yourself, you dummy. So I work at a restaurant outside of this in Redondo Beach, Raging Cajun too.

So like, if I'm not working. You work at a what? At a restaurant. You're a waiter? Beach, Raging Cajun, too. So if I'm not working at a restaurant. You're a waiter? Yeah, I serve. Oh, wow. But yeah, if I'm not working or stuff like that, it's definitely a couple times a day for sure. Wow.

So before or after breakfast? I can't remember. Before, first thing. Yeah, okay. No, it's like right when I wake up. It's like get out of the way. So I'm not a fucking pervert all day, like just staring at everything that walks by.

Got it. Do you ever jerk off as a man's butt? Never mind. We do it different in Germany. All right, Nick. Well, it was nice to meet you. It was a pleasure. Thanks, guys.

We've met before, but we'll probably meet several times more. You've been on the show before? Yeah, episode 252 with Morgan Murphy and Anthony Jessup. How did that go? It was terrible. Really? Just as bad as this one.

Oh, no. As far as this episode goes, you're the highlight so far. Really? Yeah. I've been in the back, so I haven't been able to watch any of it. You're lucky. Fuck, well, I'm glad you hear that. That's cool. You guys are cool.

Shout out to all the comics that are going to be coming out. It wasn't that great, dude. There he goes. Nick Romero. Thanks, guys. Find him on Instagram. It's straight life. Let's do something a little special. You guys like special treats?

Oh, a treat, a treat. All right. Well, it is an honor for me to bring up this man. It's a very special surprise for you. You, a lot of the people that listen to this show may know one of the legends of the show, Ichabod. Right? Everybody? The classic legend, Ichabod, who lives in Las Vegas.

Well, it's not Ichabod. But, if you remember correctly, one of the amazing characters from that show is his driver and his uncle. We haven't seen him since the episode with Natasha and Moshe. One of the favorite people we've ever met ever on this show. Let's make some noise from Las Vegas, Nevada. It's Uncle Ron. Wow. What? Hey, look, it's Ichabod, everybody.

Little tip of the hat from Ichabod and here comes Uncle Ron Okay Uncle Ron There you go Up here Uncle Ron Right there dude Oh I got a microphone Yes you do So I get my minute real fast I wrote it down I got five more doses

I had great sex last night Old joke Had great sex last night. Old joke. Had great sex last night. Finally, unfortunately, I was all alone. Okay, that's old. Okay, we have me and Iqbal. We have two cats and a dog.

We adopted a dog recently. Cocker Spaniel dog. We left him home with our other roommate, Mark. Mark made this up. Mark said he would have a foursome with those animals with the two pussies and a Cocker Spaniel. See that cock? And one more, one more. I left him alone.

So he made this sex with animal jokes. Okay, a clon. What do you call that girl in Alaska that's a lesbian? You know, lesbian. Who knows that a girl in Alaska that's a lesbian? This is old. A clondike bar. A clondike bar. A Klondike bar.

Oh, my God. Wait. Fuck yeah. I'm going to plug some. I'm going to plug some May 11th. May 11th. Ichabod, Uncle Ron, and Uncle Tony in Las Vegas. Yes, Uncle Tony.

Everybody. If Uncle Tony is going to Las Vegas on May 11th, then we're all going to be there. That's what you're trying to say. You can put the paper down, Uncle Ron. Uncle Ron, everybody. All right. This is the part where we talk to you. Get back behind that microphone.

How are you, Uncle Ron? How's it going, buddy? Over here. Uncle Ron. Over here. Stick with me. How's it going? You drove in?

Well, yeah. You drove in? We got the story of the drive. We here. Stick with me. How's it going? You drove in? Well, yeah. You drove in? We got the story of the drive. We made the drive from Vegas. Yeah. Well, we planned it like yesterday, of course. And I had to get Craig up. You don't know.

I had to buy it up. You don't know his real name. Yeah. Getting him up. Spoiler alert. Not easy. Hold on. Stop the show.

The story of the cock and snake. He just said Ichabod's real name is Craig. No. No. No. No. Ichabod. No. Breaking news. I believe we just found out Ichabod! No!

Breaking news. I believe we just found out Ichabod's real name. Real name. No! That means this whole time we've been pulling names out of the bucket of Craig. No, no, no. Wait. Fuck you, Jeremiah.

Our main story today is we... What are you, a newscaster? What do you mean our main story? And back to Uncle. Uncle Ron, stick with me. I'm a pro. Yes, Uncle Ron. He lied to me today. He said he was coming out here

for an interview for Big Brother just to get me out of here. Yeah. was coming out here for an interview for Big Brother, just to get me out here. We adopted, a cocker spaniel really did adopt me and Ike about a couple of weeks ago. And he lied to me to get me to come out here. He said that he had a Big Brother interview for the show coming up this month. No, we brought the coer Spaniel out here.

He had wandered into our house about two weeks ago. And then the owners met us right here, right outside the comedy store. A little man and a woman, of course. Yeah. Different sexes. And they were so glad. It was like so happy. Oh, because the dog that they adopted,

the dog that you adopted was somebody else's dog. And Craig went to the vet. Right. And my friend, he went to the vet. There's a thing on the back. There's another guy named Craig

that's not Ichabod. No. Mark, the one that had the sex with the pussy. I actually heard this story. They found a dog in Vegas. They ended up taking it to a vet. They found out it was microchipped from Los Angeles.

Somebody threw a dog out a window in Vegas. They found it. You returned the dog to the owners, but you're not getting interviewed for Big Brother this season, which is a big lie. Well, no, it was he didn't believe that I would come out here and give up the dog. Me and Ichabod fell in love with this dog the last two weeks. Of course.

And see the owners right out here. It's a big story in the newspaper. I got you. Uncle Ron, one of the things we found out the last time you were on the show is that... Whoa, look at this. Wow. Oh, God, he's showing us his nipples. You have multiple... Two fucking shirts, Uncle Ron.

Uncle Ron, one of the things... Multiple shirts, multiple sclerosis. Guys, one of the things we learned about Uncle Ron the last time he was here was that every once in a while... How old are you, Uncle Ron? I just turned...

Tell the truth. My birthday was two days ago. 49. 49? Yeah. Yeah. No, I tell the girls, 49. Yeah, and Craig's name is Ichabod.

But... 49. Yeah, and Craig's name is Ichabod. Either you are lying to us or you are beat up, dude. What is it? No, I tell the girls 49 so they'll have sex with me that night. If I say my real age is 66, who's gonna have sex with a 66-year-old?

Joel Berg. Is that also why you write your sets in crayons so you look younger? Uncle Ron, one of the things we found out about you, and we were really surprised to find this out, because last time he was on, I asked him if there's anything that he does or ever

does that he wouldn't want anybody to know about, which is one of my favorite questions to ask people on this show, and his answer was cocaine. Yeah, I dabble in a little bit of cocaine now and again. Just a little bit, you know. I dabble in it? Not up the nose.

I like to smoke that rock, man. Wow. Wait, wait. Wow, this is a... Do you have breaking news anywhere? Wait. No, that's... He you have breaking news anywhere? Wait. No, that's... He just said he does crack, Brian.

It's too late for Eric Clapton's cocaine. It's the same shit. Only once or twice a year, maybe. Wow. Uncle Ron. When do you... Hold on, Sarah. What are the two times a year that you choose to smoke crack?

Do you have a set? When I can get a hold of it. When I was younger, I was a stud. And I would get girls and they'd say, if you got some coke, I'll have sex with you. So I'd go in the motel room, pay the 40 bucks. How long have you been living that wild Vegas lifestyle? You live

in Vegas, so that's a part of your normal life. I'm a dealer in Vegas. I'm not telling you where because you'll You don't want to get in trouble, right? About the cocaine and all that, but it is I will tell you, it's Paris and Bally's Casino in Vegas. That's where you

used to work. I still do. Oh, okay. I'm a dealer. Anyway. Now you used to work there. Uncle Ron, so when's the last time you smoked crack? Sex? Last night, I told you.

Wait. You smoked crack last night? Smoked crack. Whenever I smoke crack, I have sex. Really? Is anybody there or not? Oh, you masturbated. No!

Who was it with? I can't do that anymore. Why can't you do that anymore? I'm 66. Your sex life ends at 49. But what about jerking off? That's over too? Well, yeah, but you can't do it anymore. You can't make it do it. life ends at 49. But what about jerking off? That's over too?

Yeah, but you can't do it anymore. You can't make it do it. Takes like an hour. Takes a half an hour. You just have sex with a soft penis? You get drunk. You get drunk and then you get hard. I'm waiting to hear the drug I do. And nobody take my Xanax.

Wait, are you about to... Xanax! Because a doctor, pharmacy doctor, bad heart and nobody take my Xanax. Wait, are you about to... Xanax! Xanax! Because I doctor, pharmacy doctor, bad heart, bad everything. I get Xanax and liquor don't, and I don't mix whiskey and Xanax. Oh my fucking God.

Unbelievable. See, this is fucked up shit. He's speaking up for all the people earlier that just didn't want to answer questions properly. He's like, crack, how about this? I'm on Zanz. I mix it with whiskey. Fuck yeah, bitch. Wow.

What's the most fun you've ever had? What's a crazy night for you? Okay. Guys, please stop distracting this fucking old man. Stick with me up here. Over here. What's the craziest night you've ever had in Vegas?

What ended up happening? You ever have one of those wild nights where somebody bets? Oh, two girls at once. I had to give them $50 each. I swear to God. $50 each? I swear to God. $50 each? I swear to God. Oh my God. They settled for $50 each. White girls, black girls?

White, white. Did you still crack with them? They, I had to give them a little bit of crack, yes. He did? He answers questions so honestly. It's just unbelievable. $50 cash, $50 crack.

So they're crack whores. There you go. Brian, you just had to get it in there, didn't you? Well, I didn't know there were any other whores. When you smoke crack, when's the first time you smoked crack? Well, it's been back about, when I was younger, when I was a stud. I was a stud. I believe that. When you say you were a stud,

what do you mean? I had a lot of fucking sex with a lot of fucking girls. Yeah, if you had to guess how many girls, if you just had to throw a number out there, you don't have to be right. One-nighters. About 80. 82. 82.

82, wow, look at that. He made it, he threw on an extra couple there at the end. Almost forgot about that crack-headed threesome that you had. 80, 82, 82. You know, when you're that age, you promise the girl some crack, right? So you go get the hotel room, and she So you go, get the hotel room, and she, you know, you smoke in the crack. Totally, totally.

Keep going, yeah. Every fucking night. You smoke. I don't like with the dollar bill up the nose. Right. You smoke the crack. Then she gets seven-eighths of the crack, and I get one-eighth of it. Wow.

Seven-eighths. And then you think you're going to have sex right away after that ordeal with the crack that you just scored $40? She says, no, no sex. Let's go back out and score $40 more. I go, oh, fuck.

I feel like you smoked crack out of a corncob pipe. No. I feel like he's the white Bill Cosby. He's like, well, you smoked crack. No, no, no. no, no, no, no. I do not get the girls. I love how defensive he gets about the Bill Cosby shit. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I just smoke crack and I'm inside of them. I would never roofie anybody. They're fully conscious. Wow. They're just cracked out. Back in your day when you were a stud, did you have any special sexual maneuver that you would do that the ladies loved?

Like, is there some, like, big thing, like the Uncle Ron fucking, you know? Look, can I tell you something? When you first saw anybody out there about 18, 17, 16. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no. When I discovered somebody in high school once said

it was Paul Movell. He said I was like 14 in high school. He said that's the first time. I didn't know about this when I was 14. He said, go home tonight and try it. You go like this with the thing. I didn't even know that was...

No, no, no, no. What thing? What are you talking about? Jerking off? The dick. Yeah, what do you do with that? I didn't know. I thought it was for going to the bathroom.

Oh. You were 14? We're talking about 1969. Sure. I was 14. Sure. So you realized that jerking off was a thing around 14. Yeah, and the things you do, the strange things you do when you're 14.

Like you, what did you do? Because there's no girls when you're 14. Like what? You remember anything? The worst, the worst, and don't ever tell anybody. No, no. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. You got the jockstrap, right?

And you get all these, and you mush up all these. I don't want to say it, but I'll say it. You mush up all these... You did strange things, I'm sure. Go ahead, Uncle Ron. Say it. We've all done this jackstrap thing. Keep going. You take all these...

You've got to be alone to do this. You mush up all these... Bananas. You mush up all these bananas. I mean, you mush them up. You mush them up bananas, okay? So you take out the innards of the bananas, but what do you do? You throw away the peel?

No, you throw away the peel. And then what do you do? You mash up the bananas, and where do you put the bananas? In there, and then you, like, fuck the bananas. That's called a banana split. I don't know. Yes.

Okay, okay. These are true stories. I'm not making them up. So you mashed up. How many bananas do you think you mashed up? Five or ten. That's all you can afford. Five or ten.

Somewhere in the window of five or ten bananas. And so were you laying on your back? Or you just put the bananas in a pile on the ground? And then just started fucking the pile? That's a long time ago. How am I going to remember that? You don't remember that part, but you remember it was between five and ten bananas? How do you not remember how you fucked a pile of bananas?

I mean, of all the parts of the whole memory thing, I think that would be... That's just bananas. Okay. You always ask me questions. Strangest thing, when you were 15... Fuck you, Uncle Ron. I'm not falling for this shit. Are you fucking kidding me? My strangest thing I

ever did was I took a jock strap, right? Like we all do. And I mashed up some mangos. Oh, shit. Fucked mangos. Uncle Ron, so... I don't get to tell my story? No, you don't.

Uncle Ron, did we ever find out why you always wear two shirts? Do you have an answer for that? I, well... We gotta know. Two collared shirts, for those of you wondering why I'm asking him this on the podcast. It's a patented thing.

Microphone, Uncle Ron. What's that? Is that a bag of crack? Is that a poop bag? I don't know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Uncle Ron, what's in that plastic bag in your pocket?

Yeah. What is in that bag? Okay. Who? It's a Cocker Spaniel dog poop. Is that a bag of dog poop? I'm nervous. It's bananas.

It's just an empty plastic bag. Okay. All right. All right. But it's an advertisement for... Okay, it's okay Uncle Ron you know what

that is who carries two use your Uncle Ron Uncle Ron go to the microphone I think this

oh my god don't you fucking do it so the car keys don't fall out of your pocket you know how they're good

that's what they're for I mean you thought there was crack in there there's no I didn't. You thought there was crack in there? There's no crack. No one puts crack in a grocery bag. That's the worst idea.

That's like putting cocaine in a grocery bag. Nobody would ever do that. Uncle Ron, you drove the car with you and Ichabod. I noticed that... Do you wear your glasses when you're driving? No, these are only for reading and looking at dirty books. We need to talk about books.

Have you heard of the new technology of magazines? For those of you listening to the podcast, these glasses have two pieces of blue tape as though they've been worn a while. If you had to guess how long you had these. The blue tape signifies the strength that I need 350. They're 99 cents. I got about 100 pair

of them. That's why I'm giving you. And anyway, the real mean potatoes of this is that he still has the sticker on the glasses. The plus 3.25 UVA protection sticker that you immediately take off when you buy glasses. You've had it on the glasses. The plus 3.25 UVA protection sticker that you immediately take off when you buy glasses.

You've had it on the whole time. I've had over 500 people tell me, you fucking have the fucking sticker on your fucking glasses. What the fuck are you doing? The fuck word gets a lot of laughs but didn't get any there. He spelled

pussy P-U-S-S-I-E. Did you spell it that way? Is that true? Aren't you adorable? And he wrote his set list on his bill. All right. Will, Americans. Will.

Oh, you're giving me more stuff? I'm nervous. Uncle Ron, that's enough. Uncle Ron, go to the microphone. Your marker? All right. Why do you love doing Kill Tony so much? Like, what is it about coming to the show?

Because you and Ichabod love it, right? You guys must have been, you know, talking about that stuff. Well, Ichabod talks about you all the time, talks about the show. Yeah. He asks me every week to come here. He wants to take the Megabus, and he wants to be here every week, but when I

get a chance to get a couple days off, I do it. But he had to tell me the Cocker Spaniel story today to get me here, and that he was going to be on that show. So we found out almost immediately that Ichabod lied to you, because Ichabod wanted to come here so bad to hang out.

And there he is in the back. The famous Ichabod. Give it up for Craig, everybody. So we found out something tonight that Kill Tony is the Disneyland for bats. All right, Uncle Ron. Well, it was great to see you again. Did you have fun here tonight?

Let me see my audience. I think you should milk this interview even more. Wait, I'm going to pick my favorite person. It's you, right there. There you go, that lady right there. You just won Uncle Ron's favorite person contest.

And there he goes. Uncle Ron, everybody. There he goes. Uncle Ron. Love you, buddy. He's leaving the stage. There he goes. Uncle Ron, get off the stage.

Guys, let him go. Wait, what are you doing? Don't take his drink. What does Uncle Ron do? He's trying to be silly. He's got like that old school Vegas sense of humor. We can use that for fingerprints if we need to. Wow.

Alright, well, there you go. Uncle Ron just telling us everything here tonight. Really just letting it rip. Let's bring our regular up, shall we? With a new minute every single week. He's been the regular for, I think, what, a month or two now? It's a lot of fun.

We love him. He's a goddamn anomaly. A monster. Put your hands together for the great Malcolm Hatchett. What's up, y'all? My mama called me and said, we're going to have a family reunion this summer. And I said, the family is dead.

I don't have no more uncles. They all dead, mama. I'm not cooking on the grill. She said, oh, you mean? I said, no, bitch, you mean. You paid for the funerals. You forgot? You think blind people know it's pink lemonade you ever go to church and see somebody who owe you $20

and they pass the offering around and they put $20 in it and then the offering come your way and you you $20, and they pass the offering around, and they put $20 in it, and then the offering come your way, and you take $20 out, and ask God for forgiveness, and then church get over with, and they be like, hey, I'm going to pay you Friday. And you be like, nah, God has already blessed me. I hate fat girls who get skinny and get cocky. My homegirl just got skinny. Go ahead.

My homegirl just got skinny and she cocky as hell. I said, bitch, you still fat-minded? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Malcolm motherfucking Hatchet with another killer minute. Wow. That was amazing. What's up, ladies? I love it. Ladies, have you seen Malcolm Hatchet

before? This is my first time. Wow, really? Yeah, it was fucking amazing. Crushed it. Amazing. It's amazing. You do it every week. It's so fun. Wow. Well, Malcolm, how's life been in this past week?

Everything good? Yeah, everything good. I just got a job. I start tonight at 3 in the morning. Where? It's at Santa Clarita. It's a place called Golden State. It's an overnight shipping company.

Oh, cool. It's part-time Tuesday through Saturday. You don't have to worry about that because you'll quit Friday, right? You can meet 4 a.m. Golden State. Well, that's cool. What are you going to be doing? Do you know?

Unloading, loading, scanning. Quitting. Yeah, you're going to quit immediately. Make an Instagram video. Yeah, exactly. Hey, nigga,. Make an Instagram video. Yeah, exactly. Hey, nigga, we don't break now. On the Instagram this week, I noticed you have some guy sort of like sleeping in I don't know what it is. Maybe it's a garage of an Airbnb that you're at or something like that. Who is that guy that's sleeping on you?

Is that an air mattress? Or is it not even an air mattress? Oh, no, he took the pillows off the couch. Yeah, and he just sleeps on the pillows. Who's that guy? That's DJ. He a rapper. He from Kansas City.

He cool. Yeah? You met him out here? I met him at the Planet Fitness. I was taking a shower when he gave me his CD. You met him through a mixtape? I was like, nigga, you disrespectful. This better be hot.

And it's good. He can really rap. Wow. He raw. So he's so talented that you decided to what? Let him live, is it your Airbnb?

Oh, it's mine. Yeah, it was crazy because I met him and two days later, I posted a flyer of me having a show

and he just popped up. I was like, oh shit, you better than my real friend. And he came to every single one. Like, he probably not here today because he rapping someone

but he just been showing love. Wow. And then I can roast him. He ugly, so I'll be roasting. He's probably not here today because he's rapping to someone, but he's just been showing love. And then I can roast him. He's ugly, so I'll be roasting him. That's why I let him stay. That's so funny. He's ugly as hell. I love that. Does he do shows out here? Yeah, he'd be at the Pig & Whistle with Srijoy.

Yeah, Srijoy is the Indian kid that you always hang out with. He's in all your videos. There he is. Look at him back there. What an adorable little creature. And he's a great pianist. Yeah, amazing musician, Srijoy. And he's featured in a lot of Malcolm's videos.

And it's so fun when you just point the camera at him and just tell him to lay down. Dude, he's amazing. You want to know how I met him? Yeah. Well, he's my neighbor back home. Yeah. We was young. Back in, did you guys come out here together?

No, he came out here like months after me. Okay. But I was in the backyard. I was young playing basketball, and he was on his back porch. I think he might be playing the guitar. I was like, shut your bitch ass up. I didn't even know him. Yeah.

And he did this, ah, and we became friends. That's how it happens. That's why I call him Thornberry. He's crazy. I love that. Fuck yeah, man. Awesome, Malcolm. Another killer minute. Everybody's raving about you. We're going to be doing a lot of fun stuff together

in the very near future. All Malcolm Hatchett, Kill Tony related. Awesome stuff. You did it again. There he is, Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen. What do you think? We squeeze one more in real quick? We have four minutes. We can do a quick one. What do you guys think? One more?

One quick one. One really fast one. We can do it. Put your hands together for Centofanti. Centofanti. Somebody is very excited. Here we go. You got it. Centofanti. Centofanti. Somebody is very excited. Here we go. He got it. Centofanti. Oh, yeah, I love it when a skinny person gets fat.

Oh, it's one of my favorite things in the world. It's how I imagine an old gay dude feels when a young gay man finally comes out of the closet. It's like you've been at your whole life. Your body, mind, and spirit are finally accepting who you are. We've seen you staring at that lasagna. Just eat it. You know you want it. A lot of skinny people are sad when they become fat. And I'm like, hey, it's cool. I got pamphlets for you.

You can come to the parade. We're all on the floats. Ain't nobody got to walk. We even got an anthem you guys know my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like it's better than yours damn right it's better than yours I can teach you but I'd have to charge sang operatically cause opera dudes can belt

but can't wear a belt you know and you gotta charge for that milkshake because a fat dude made it. There's like 20 candy bars in there. And if you got an issue with my anthem, take a knee, fatty. Take a knee, fatty. Cento Fanny, ladies and gentlemen.

Fuck yeah. Cento Fanny. This is your first time on the show, right? How long have you been on stand-up? About six months to a year. Right. Wait, what? I loved you as the lead singer in the band System of an Upside-Down Pig.

Fuck yeah. Well, that's fun. Hell yeah, Centofani. Anything else interesting about you so that we can have something to talk about next time? Yeah, I went to nursing school. Really? I don't practice right now. When you say nursing, do you mean breastfeeding babies? Yes, sir.

There you go. Alright, Centofanny. You actually had a really decent set, so it would have been great to talk to you earlier. I would have loved that. Please come back and hopefully you'll get lucky again. We were just

barely able to literally squeeze you in tonight. There he goes. Cinto Fanti, ladies and gentlemen. That's Kill Tony live from the Comedy Store just like that. Look at the drawing from Ryan Shaebel. You see that? That's what he was able to do while you sat there doing nothing. So many fun things.

Follow Ali Makovsky on Instagram at NotAliMac. things. Follow Allie Makovsky on Instagram at NotAllieMac. Sarah Wineshank has her Stone Science dropping May 14th on Gas Digital Network, streaming 12 episodes. Catch her at Huntington Beach on Saturday,

opening for the great Christina Pazinski. You know her. You love her. Catch Shanks and your mom's house together. Allie, anything else? Nope. Sarah? Nope, that's it.

Gustav. Make some noise for Gustav, everybody. Oh, hi. Jeremiah Watkins with a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders, with the great Malcolm Hatchett. What else, Jeremiah? Yeah, listen to his album, Malcolm Hatchett, Jeremiah Wonders, and follow me on social media, at Jeremiah Standard.

But most importantly, follow my friend, at Mostly Sorry, Joel Berg. He needs more followers on Instagram. Yeah, follow Mostly Sorry for sure. Chroma Chris, what did you think of tonight's episode? I thought it was good, Tony. Okay. Catch Kill Tony in Vegas, Detroit, Grand Rapids, Lansing, San Francisco,

New York City, and everywhere else. TonyHinchcliffe.com, DeathSquad.tv and all the episodes are visible. If you get bored on a Sunday, why not go watch your favorite podcast that you listen to? I think you'd be pretty surprised.

We have a very powerful new HD camera streaming from the back, so have fun with it. Alright. See you guys later. Good night, everybody. Thank you. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours. Damn right, it's better than yours.

I could take you, but I have to charge. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard Thank you.