KILL TONY - KILL TONY #264

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

Stephen Rannazzisi, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 05/07/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, deathsqu death squad.tv for all the past episodes and all the audio episodes and all the podcasts we do at death squad or you can click on tour dates and there you find all the different shows not only do we do kill tony every monday live from the world famous comedy store but we're also on the road including tomorrow uh may 11th if you're listening to this any time within its release, we're going to be at the Dive Bar in Vegas. It's one show for Kill Tony.

That starts at 7 p.m. And it's followed by a comedy show at 9 p.m. with me and Tony Hinchcliffe and Jeremiah and Joel Jimenez. So check it out. That's Vegas tomorrow, May 11th at the Dive Bar. We're also going to San Francisco, but that's all sold out. But we have a bunch of other dates like Fort Wayne, Indiana, Michigan, even Texas. We're going back to Texas. Just go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates.

Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website. There he has all his other dates that he's going to be at. He has all his other information and merch and stuff like that. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every single episode. He also did the Kill Tony book, which is available right now.

You can go to RyanJEbelt..com uh oh breaking news shop squad dot tv you know shop squad that's the official merchandise of the death squad universe well i just finished the new kill tony shirt number two and it's up for pre-order right now uh this uh it's a cool shirt if you've ever been to the Comedy Store, all the employees used to wear this iconic shirt, the Comedy Store shirt. And I pretty much did a nod at that. It's a really cool design. It's the second Kill Tony shirt. So check it out.

Go to shopsquad.tv and click on Kill Tony. And that's it, guys. Thanks for listening. Check out our sponsors. This week we have Zip Recruiter and 4Hems. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to your live from the world-famous comedy store Main Room

for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Get up and Tony. Hi, everybody. Hello. Make some noise. You're the number one live podcast in the world. How exciting. Brian Red Band is here.

What is up, everyone? Holy smokes. I am so excited to be back here again after a fun week in the belly room last week. It's good to be back in the main room. You guys excited about this or what? Josh Martin is here. We just had a fun weekend in Spokane. He was killing featuring for me there. Fun times. Right, Josh? Yeah. Fuck yeah. There you go.

The Kill Tony machine is going to Las Vegas, Nevada this Friday. Isn't that exciting? Vegas gets their first ever Kill Tony And then San Fran the week after that Well that's already sold out actually So you lost out on that one But there's stand-up shows that weekend With me doing headlining shows And Jeremiah's with me

And Red Band on Saturday And Ali Makovsky on Friday Fun stuff happening there. Boston, Massachusetts. I'm doing stand-up there. We have our five-year anniversary of Kill Tony, June 18th. I think, I might be wrong, but I think there's still tickets available

for that. Fort Wayne, Indiana, Kill Tony on August. And then I realized today we're doing those three shows in Texas, Kill Tony in the month of September those three shows in Texas, Kill Tony, in the month of September, three shows in Michigan, Kill Tony, in September. That's six extra episodes that

the listeners of this show are going to get for the month of September. Hey, Dom Irera! He's going to be here for the five-year anniversary with Joe Rogan on June 18th. Dom, what the hell are you doing here? You just hanging out?

Alright. Free parking. Well, if you want to come hang out and plop up here at any point, you let me know. Or you can hang out, do whatever you want. The great and powerful Dom Irero, one of the greatest comedians in the world. Just swinging by. Just saying hello.

Number 37 on Comedy Central's greatest comedians of all time i fucking love it uh so uh yeah six more episodes of kill tony that's ridiculous yeah that's 10 episodes in the month of september jesus what lucky listeners we have and you know we uh uh five year anniversary uh coming up as well. You know, time goes fast. Oh, yeah. Breaking news. The new and second ever brand spanking new Kill Tony shirt just went on presale right now. Yeah.

Just literally the link went live right now. And I designed it with a special nod to the comedy store who's been our home for five years. It's an awesome shirt. Check it out. You're going to love it. ShopSquad.com. Paying homage to the Comedy Store, the best comedy club on the planet, the great Mitzi Shore. You know, time flies. And, you know,

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killtony. Forhims.com slash killtony. There you go. Pretty exciting stuff. Are you still using the hair stuff? Yes, yes. I love it. It's very good.

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Make some noise for that, huh? For free. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. ZipRecruiter. The smartest killtony. ZipRecruiter.com slash killtony. ZipRecruiter. The smartest way to hire. I love it. I actually had my friend found a job on that really easily.

And I have a couple friends, unlike you, that hang out with mostly employees of jobs. I have a few friends that actually own companies and they found hires from having ZipRecruiter. Well, yeah, I should maybe hire some people for my company. Yes, that's true.

I knew you would take that as a low blow when it really wasn't. Clearly a joke about how I hang out with important people. Speaking of important people, we have an awesome guest here tonight. We sure do. He is one of our favorite guests on the show. I always bring out. One of the best comedians in the world. And this week is absolutely no different. A real

fucking, like me, a real store guy. Came up as an employee, paid a ton of dues all at once, and you know, fucking turned into a real monster comedian. He's one of our funniest friends. You know him from The League, from a bunch of great movies. Put your hands together for the great Steve Rannazzisi! Oh, shit! Peer, peer, peer, peer! from the league, from a bunch of great movies. Put your hands together for the great Steve Ranazzisi.

Oh, shit. Peer, peer, peer, peer. Yeah. He's back. Hell yeah. Steve Ranazzisi is back, swinging through before he goes to Charlotte

in a couple weeks. Comedy Zone. Yes. I was just on your podcast a few months ago. Hear Me This Book, which I love. I put a pause on it. Yeah? Yeah. People like books, but not that much. Yeah. And I'm having a good time

doing it. It's just getting guests every single week. So I'm reformatting it. I think I'm going to have one single guest every month that tells me about their favorite book, a huge guest, and then me read a book once a month and have someone interview me about, like a book report, me doing it to them. Yeah. Twice a month.

So it'll be a two times a month thing. But it's being reformatted. Not that any of you guys listen to begin with. Because people don't like a lot of books. Well, you know, they might not just like podcasts about books. Perhaps you should write a book about books and have a lot of books. Well, you know, they might not just like podcasts about books. Perhaps you should write a book about books and have a podcast about podcasts.

Too much work. Out. Hard pass. No thank you. Not writing a book. It is hard work. Imagine having to sit next to this guy every week. What's up, Redman? Hi. I miss you, buddy. Thank you, buddy. Those are great glasses. I'm filming you. Yeah, this is a new Snapchat. What's that called, Brian? Snap-ticals or something. I don'm filming you. Yeah, this is a new Snapchat.

What's that called, Brian? Snapdicals or something. I don't get it. Snapdicals. Snapchat. They film live. How is your vision actually coming out? How do you see things?

Forget how... It's just like normal sunglasses, except I see this record light. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that would freak me out. That's weird. Fuck yeah. So everything is here. You're back

Did you know we have a crazy band That performs here every week They're the best damn band in the land Every week they commit to different characters I never know what they're going to do And they try to stay in character throughout the show While having fun while we meet comedians So let's see what they do this week

Make some noise everybody It's the Kill Tony band The best damn band in the land Jeremiah Watkins Joel Berg Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Here we go. All right. What are they going to be this week?

Oh. Westworld. Wow. I believe we've seen these characters before. These are, I believe, what are they? Wild West characters from the future or something. It's Westworld. It's from Westworld. I think we're very Westworld.

Wow. And let me tell you, I'm going to fuck all these robots. Wow. Wow, look at Jeremiah. This is what the yodeling boy is going to look like when he grows up. And then we have Chroma Chris, who's a young version of the bad guy from Poltergeist. And then

we have Transgender Pocahontas back there. I'm pretty excited about it. These guys just picked me up at the Home Depot. Congratulations. Jeremiah, how you doing over there? What do I call you? Is that your name? Mighty swell, Tony.

That's how I'm doing, that is. How was your trip here? Wait, what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, no. I'm sorry.

Hey, Chris. I'm sorry. Give him a little whack on the back or something there. There we go. Freeze all motor functions. Yeah. It's always fun until you find out the character already has a knack for being annoying. My name's Tony Hinchcliffe.

Oh, wow. How are you breaking character there? What kind of broke-ass Teddy Ruxpin is that? How is that? Did you just put the saxophone over your hat? I have complete functions as a host now. Oh, what? We saw how that went a few episodes ago.

All right. All the pieces are in place. I have the bucket of destiny here. Oh, shit. What is he doing? Uh-oh. All right. I have the bucket of destiny with over a ton of comedians' names here signed up tonight.

Yeah, Craig's bucket of destiny. Okay. It's Ichabod's bucket of destiny. His name is Craig. It was revealed in another episode. I'm under the impression that it sort of hurts his feelings if we call him Craig. I think he likes going by Ichabod. Does not sound cool.

Well, Beetlejuice doesn't like being called by his name. What's Beetlejuice's real name? Phillip. All right. So if I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Perfect.

Here we go. You guys ready to start this shit or what? We're into it. Steve Ranazzisi. The Westworld Kill Tony. Yes. Brian Redband. All right.

Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Kiana Marquez. Or Marquez. Kiana Marquez. Here shequez. Kiana Marquez. Here she comes. I love this. Taking the shortcut. Hell yeah. Experience together for Kiana, everybody. Hey, everybody.

How's it going? Just because I've hit three things and have gotten maybe three tickets does not mean I'm a bad driver. I'll tell you who's a bad driver. My sister.

Well, she died before she can get her license. It's fine, it's fine. You don't know my sister. I love her so much. I honestly think about her every day, but I don't think I sister I love her so much I honestly think about her every day but I don't think I would think about her as much as I do if I didn't have her name tattooed right above my pussy

I know a lot of you guys are like prove it you wanna see You want to see? A lot of people think it's really weird that I have my sister's name tattooed right there. But the way I look at it is every time I get some D, so does she. Thank you. I'm Kiana Marquez. Wow.

Holy shit. Fuck. You made a fan over there. That dude lit the fuck up. I've never seen someone. He was like, not on board the whole time. And then you were on board very much at the end, sir. Right? Very much so at the end. Verbally, that was good, he said. Hello. How are you? This is your first time on the show, right?

Yes, it is. Very nervous. How long are you? This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, it is. Very nervous. How long have you been on stand-up? Seven months. Wow, seven months. Are you from L.A.? Ventura. Ah, interesting.

I was distracted for a second. Where did you say you have your sister's name tattooed? Right above my pussy. Is that true? Yeah. Really? Oh, my God, there it is. Holy shit.

Wait, the cowboys... How do we know your pussy's still there, though? It could be in a different spot. Right? I mean, who knows? Everyone's different. You have to see the whole thing. I might not have one either.

I don't know. Just for posterity, the cowboys in this side of the room could not see that. I'm sorry. Zoinks. I'm so rude. I'm sorry. My sister died of dysentery. Wow. What was your sister's name again?

Savannah. Prove it. Prove it. Holy shit. Ironic, Savannah is right above a beach. Savannah's a very dry place. Wow. Oh my god.

I think that's the Sahara. Same shit. Wow. I got four hymns at my house. Okay, Brian, Brian. Stop it right now. I knew you couldn't hold on. You didn't get that tattoo for the bit, did you?

No, I got it when I was like 15 Now, is that a scratch and sniff tattoo? It can be That's an illegal tattoo, we're going to have to remove it tonight You got it underage Okay, so Let's just jump right into this How long have you had the tattoo for?

I got it when I was 15. I'm 26 now. I have to do math. Fuck. How old was the man that performed this tattoo on you? I have no idea. Wait, so... I got it in Oxnard.

A parent signed off on that tattoo? My mom took me. What a good mother. Wow. Did your sister really pass away? Yes, when I was 13. Your mom was like, you're going to get your sister's name tattooed? And you were like, yes.

I wanted it really bad. I wanted to get a tattoo. I convinced my mom to take me to get a tattoo. And then how did we decide the location of the tattoo? Was it a committee thing? Or did you just go, hey, Zach, make it big and put it above my pussy? I saw somebody The county of Ventura took a vote.

They did. It's the size of a billboard. Yeah. It's huge. Well I really wanted a tattoo. I was really into tattoos at the time. But what made you pick that area specifically? I saw somebody have it and I just thought it was Who'd you see have specifically? I saw somebody have it, and I just thought it was... Who'd you see have it?

I saw somebody from Rock of Love. You remember that show? Oh, my God. Where you get all your great ideas. Where all great ideas came from. I love the honesty, Kiana. This girl had a tattoo right here, and I was like, that's so sexy. And I was 13, and I wanted a tattoo there.

And after my sister died, I was like was like I'm gonna get her name right here wow so let me ask you this have you ever had like a one night stand where you know maybe you didn't get to talk about the Savannah right about the old dead sister thing and then all of a sudden they they see

that and then what do they what do they think multiple guys as well as like doctors when they're like, pap smear. They're like, who's Savannah? And I'm like, wait, doctors? You fuck doctors? Oh, no. I've had a pap smear. Do you guys aim for it?

Probably. Okay, Brian, that is enough. You've already reached your maximum limit. You know what, probably. I would if I was a guy. Of course they do. I would. That joke brought to you by ZipRecruiter.com I literally tried to stop that like no! Fuck. There goes your sponsor bro.

Thank God for post episode editing. Wow. So okay, when you said multiple guys have noticed it, how many if you had to guess the number? How many guys have been like, hey, what's up with the chick's name above your pussy?

I have, like a number? Sure. Hey, why is this guy answering? Is this your boyfriend? Four. Just go with, he's telling her. This guy wants you to just live his imagination out all the way for him. I need you to be perfect for me.

Say four. Or he's calling a golf shot. He's trying to aim for it. Your name's not Savannah, is it, sir? God almighty. No, that's Georgia. What was the question? Her story's funny, but not the way she put it together in front of all of us.

For the joke to work, I think you have to show the tattoo. I think people are going to find it unbelievable. I've done the bit so many times, and it got so repetitive. Finally, I did a show, and I did that bit, and I was like, I'm tired of doing the bit. But I really wanted to do the bit today, but I forgot it, so that was why it was all over the place. Well, we're going to remember it. I know.

Wow. You should hear her other material. What's more alarming is her brother's name above her butthole. That was good. It's interesting. Things really took a turn during your set. You had a, like a, there was a, when I first saw you, you sort of reminded me

of that one chick that likes Stevia in her tea from Breaking Bad. Oh. That was quick. I don't like speed. Forget it. That's what we call a train wreck. You ever see one of those? Kiana. So what else about you?

What do you do for work? I'm a biller. A biller? At rehab. A biller. Huh. Medical insurance. Sorry. it? Medical insurance. I do like collections. I make sure we get paid. Right. Right. For rehab. Yes. Huh. Interesting.

That must be a tough gig, right? Yeah. I love my job, though. It's awesome. They feed me. That's it? That's all your qualifications for an awesome... Do they pay you as well? Oh, yeah. Yeah, they pay me really well. But I get fed all day, so I never have to spend money on food. What a great life. I'll feed you on the farm, no problem. How'd your sister die?

She was born with cystic fibrosis. What's that? It's a lung disease. Really? Yeah. It's just because we learned something. Oh, my goodness. Well, all right, Kiana.

Yes. Was she older or younger? She was older. Yeah? Yeah, but there's a lot more about me than my dead sister. I mean, I was always growing up. I know that's what my bit was about, but now this is about me. If you have other subjects tattooed under your sister's name,

we'd be interested to hear more about that. All right, Kiana. Well, it was a pleasure meeting you. It was nice to hear more about that. Alright, Kiana. Well, it was a pleasure meeting you. Fun times. Kiana Marquez. Or as you all remember her, Savannah. I squirted.

Yeah? All over myself. She got me fucking hot, bro. My goodness. Joel Berg, how you doing back there? Happy to be here, Tony. Joel Berg. I pulled a name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for MJ Graham. Here we go. Another guy, a person from the deepest corner. Wow. Here he comes. M.J. Graham. Just taking his time. Yeah.

M.J. definitely doesn't stand for Michael Jordan. He's a slow walker. M.J. Graham. Oh, shit. All right. So I got off the phone with my dad recently, Graham. Oh, shit. Alright. So I got off the phone with my dad recently and he replied with, alright, dickwad.

I woke him up in the middle of the night. He has a sleep apnea machine. But it dawned on me. That's all I am. A dickwad. You know, that's all we all are. Dickwads, if you think about it. And it made things worse. My dad had a vasectomy before I was born.

So I'm an unwanted dickwad. This one's for all the people who carry their bag of whatever in their mouth from the kitchen to their couch like it hasn't been touched by some snotty-nosed kid or in the armpit of some bum who couldn't purchase it and had to put it back. But yeah, Comedy Store. Gotta love the Comedy Store, right? One night, I saw Uncle Joey in the belly room, and I ran into Carlos Mencia on the way out,

and I said, it's good to see you here, man. Because he could be running in here right now, shooting at Steve. Wow. Wow. Woof. Way to save yourself with that Carlos Mencia reference. It's a true story.

That's a true story. I should have led with that one. What was a true story? I should have left with that one. What was a true story? I followed 0% of that. Yeah. When you were dedicating it, I didn't know who we were dedicating it to, and then we were at the comedy store. A little fun fact.

Today, my mom texted me congratulations and reminded me that today is actually my 11th year anniversary of coming here to the Comedy Store to do stand-up. And I want to say that in 11 years, 11 years of continuously working in the comedy industry, I have never in my life seen anyone dedicate a joke before you do the joke. This next one is for...

But he never did the joke. Yeah, yeah. No, it never happened. Just the dedication. At one point he goes, what was it? Like, this is a... You guys know how you carry a bag

or whatever? A bag in your mouth to the bathroom? You know, when you carry something... To the kitchen, to the couch. I'm trying to follow the space work. If you think about it, it's kind of close. There's a lot of whatever, whatever.

It's almost like you read, like, a comedy book, but didn't fill in the blanks. Like, you just read the blanks yeah and then to say the whatever to the whatever and then make up a punch line here and you're just like do you read mad magazine and just leave the blanks blank no i really thought about it's gross if you think about it people put bags in their mouths and what bag what bags a bag of whatever like a bag of whatever what does that mean to you? Where do you see people with...

Gummy bears or whatever. When you carry something in your mouth, it's kind of gross. From the kitchen to the couch. Yeah. Why would anybody ever carry it in their mouth? I don't know. What's in your hands? A drink?

I don't know. A drink? A drink? Okay. You hold the cup with two hands? How many drinks do you have? Do you have a fucking sippy cup, MJ? No, I don't know.

I saw... Why would you carry a bag of candy in your mouth from the kitchen to the couch? Well, I'm jerking off with my other hand, obviously. One hand for cranking, one hand for my thirsty drink, and a bag in my mouth. Tony, this guy looks like gooey CK. There he is. He has arrived. I love how he plays his own rim shots insane after a good one.

For those of you listening to the podcast, I turn around and drumsticks were flying in the air during that as he feels good. Wow. So MJ, how long have you been on stand-up? I started in February. Started in February.

It's my third time on stage. Your third time on stage. We're averaging... I just started a new job. I couldn't come up here. We're averaging one spot a month, MJ. I don't know about your pacing on this. I just started a new job.

I couldn't come up here unemployed. What's the new job? Burger lounge. Burger lounge. Wow, that's interesting. Looks like what you eat and do. What do you do at the burger lounge? Front of the house.

Front of the house. What, Mr. Personality at the top of the door? Get my cash here. Do you carry the menus in your mouth when you're walking the people to the table from the host stand? Yeah, what are they making you carry?

Don't forget your to-go bag. Carry that to wherever or whatever. You know, whatever. Anyway. MJ, where are you from? Upstate New York. Upstate New York. How long have you been... What part? Let's get specific. I went to school

in upstate New York. Horseheads? Never heard of it. Horseheads? Elmira? Oh, yeah. Alright, cool. My father was buried in horseheads. MJ, how long have you been in Los Angeles? Just over a year? Just over a year Just over a year Wow, what were you doing for work before Burger Lounge?

I was a PA last year That's why I have an entertainment business degree That's why I moved out here Entertainment business degree from Horsets University And before that he made Before that he made his living as an animated meatball Oh Jesus, what are you talking about? I'm going to take it Before that, he made his living as an animated meatball. Oh, Jesus, what are you talking about?

I take it. MJ, what are some things that you're into? You have any fun hobbies or anything like that? Yeah, I play softball. You play softball? Basketball, sports. Basketball? Wow, how often do you play softball?

A couple times a week. A couple times a week? What are you, like a ringer? What? You just, people pick you up on different teams? No, yeah. Pick up the human people? No, nobody can pick him up.

I used to play. Do you have a game after this? That's why you're all dressed up? Yeah. You too, right? I love it. MJ, how long have you been playing softball for? I played baseball my whole life. Played baseball your whole life and then you hit the age where you had to make the old switch, huh?

Became a lesbian. I still got a couple years of collegiate eligibility, but... Fuck yeah. A couple of Kenny Powers. MJ, how do you do your hair like that? Do you have a convertible and you just fucking let it rip? I mean, what is that? Just after the shower, just do this.

Wow. How many times have you been struck by lightning? None. Hmm. You have a girlfriend? Nope. No? Last date you went on, what was that like?

We're all friends here, don't worry. Tinder, Friday night. What? Tinder date, Friday night. You had a Tinder date on Friday night? Yeah. How'd that go? Picked her up, brought her back.

What? Wait, wait, you gotta fill in other words, dude. That fast? Brought her back to where? So I picked her up from her house. Picked her up, murdered her, brought her back. Yeah. Sounds like a kidnapping. All the good stuff on a date.

She's on ice in my living room. So you picked her up. What kind of car do you have? What did you pick her up in? Impala. Impala. Fuck yeah, you did. Look at that haircut.

Impaled her. With the moonroof. Do you have one of those combs that you put your finger in and you can go back like this with that? No, I don't have any comb. I just do it with my fingers. What? That's true. Wow, that just shocked the hell out of me.

I know. It does look combed. It looks manicured. So you picked the girl up in your Impala. Where did you take her? Straight back to your place? Yep. Wow.

What does that look like? What does your place look like? It's a townhouse. Outhouse. I clean it with townhouse. Oh, I thought you said out does your place look like? It's a townhouse. Outhouse. A townhouse. Oh, I thought you said outhouse. I was like, makes sense. It's a townhouse?

It's a townhouse. Yeah. How many people do you live with? I have a roommate. You have a roommate. What's your roommate do? He's a consultant. He's out of town all week, so I never see him.

Perfect. Wow. Yeah. So you brought her back to your place. Then what happened? You know, I threw on a movie on Netflix. What was the movie? Gangs in New York.

Wow. Perfect. Wow. Romantic as fuck. Let's keep this dangerous, sweetheart. I didn't pick it. I didn't pick it. I know when I want to make love to a woman, I always go straight to Daniel Day-Lewis.

Raping Cameron Diaz every chance he gets. You like that, sweetheart? Did she drink your milkshake? It's a different movie. What the fuck? But it's the same guy, right? Thank you! We got a retard robot back there.

I think Joel thinks he's on at midnight right now. He's trying to get points or something like that. Wow. So, MJ, no other fun facts about you? I feel like there's something else. Your parents weird in any way? No.

No? Normal parents? They're still together? Your dad has sleep apnea for real? Yeah, he does, yeah. Does he wear that thing? Yeah. Why do you wake him up in the middle of the night for real?

I woke him up and I... Yeah, that went nowhere. He just said, hey, dick, or whatever, and that was it. Dick-wise, and we're all dick-wise. Yeah.

Do you have a little dickie? Wait, what? That was, oh my God. Points. That's what that was for. MJ. Wow.

Don't say that, buddy. Interesting. Well, what are some other things that you talk about in other sets that you've done? Without doing the joke, what's the subject matter about? After the dickwad, it was... After the dickwad.

I love it. You already have a name for your second comedy album. After the dickwad. Coming soon. It was just another Tinder date from way back. What's MJ stand for? Michael James. Wow.

Mike Graham sounds too much like all my friends say. I'm at Mike Graham's. It sounds like I'm at my grandma's. I just stuck with MJ. Wow, Mike Graham. Okay, but that's what I thought of whenever I heard that. Plus I have a cousin named Mike Graham. MJ, I feel like you've only hung out with a few people your whole life.

And those few people were bad influences on you. They carried stuff around in their mouth and weird shit like that. He was raised by dogs, Tony, okay? All right. Well, MJ, it was nice to meet you, man. You have a good spirit. Anything else from Steve Ranazzisi? No, buddy. Good luck. Where's that burger lounge?

Where's it located? Plug it, you know. Large Mile Village. There it is. Check him out. Mr. Personality at the front door. Hell yeah. MJ Graham, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Fuck yeah. We're having fun up here.

Meeting some new people. It's exciting. Plowing through it. I like that guy. Well, he talked slow like you guys, so it's probably because you could understand him easily. You know it. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for

Stephanie Wayne. Stephanie Wayne. Here we go. She's got a good steady jog. Here she comes. One more time for Stephanie Wayne, everyone. Hi. Hello, hello, hello. Have you ever felt like such a garbage human that you intentionally stopped brushing your teeth for three days

so that the pain that you feel on the inside becomes like a physical pain that you can smell on the outside? Cool, me neither. My boyfriend of six years recently broke up with me at disney which is super fun uh my parents actually divorced twice at disney um so i was like you know kudos to gray for keeping it in the family really honoring like our family crest i was like oh great do you want to go to the Rainforest Cafe

where my mom's first marriage crumbled? I think that there's an automated rainstorm that plays every 15 minutes that can reflect the monsoon of animosity we both feel towards my affair. I was like, let's make this divorce theatrical. There you go, Stephanie Wayne. Thanks. Pretty excited about this. We're theatrical. There you go. Stephanie Wayne.

Pretty excited about this. This is the first time we've ever had an actual Lannister on the show before. So I'm pretty pumped. I loved you as all of them. Jeremiah? She's a cutie as... Never mind. She's a cute... She's a... Easy, buddy. Okay. She's the cutest. Easy, buddy.

Turn off your event log. Oh, man. All right. So there you go. She's the cutest lesbian mom I've ever seen. Thank you. Oh, there you go. There it is.

Thank you. I just came out. That's, like, so exciting to recognize. Congratulations. Oh, is that true? Wow. That's easy to do after your boyfriend dumps you at Disneyland. I was going to say, Tony. I think everyone's a lesbian after they get their heart broken.

Right? Hello. Tony, I was going to say, how dare your boyfriend break up with Peter Pan at Disneyland. That is. It's so wrong. Hey, I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. Stephanie, you have an incredible charisma.

I love the way that you use the stage and everything. How long have you been doing stand-up? In LA, I've been doing it for like five months, but I did it in college, and I just took like a writing break. Where'd you go to college? I went to Penn State, Pennsylvania. Ah.

Yeah, Penn State. Wow, that's why you seem so damaged. You're there during the old Sandusky era. Oh my God, yeah. Very much in the thick of that, yes. Wow, of course. Interesting. Do you perform often?

Yeah, I try to get up like every other night or every night. You seem very comfortable on stage. I like it. This is a lot of people. Yeah. This is great. You give yourself a round of applause, guys. Wow. Look at that.

Fuck yeah. Pandering. Wow. Level one improv at UCB. Fuck yeah. Give yourselves a round of applause. Am I right, people? Thank you very much.

I'd like to offer you a position at Burger Lounge. Stephanie, how true is it that you got broken up with at Disneyland? Am I crazy? Like, I was trying to, like, figure out what you were talking. I was sort of confused there. Yeah. Yeah. No, it happened, like, a month ago.

Yeah. At Disney. Oh, we were on vacation. Uh-huh. Wow. And it was this one? Disneyland? Oh, no.

It was Disney World. Oh, wow. Oh, that's. Was it, like, a thing where he's like, you know what? You just got into a fight there and it was like, no, it was Disney World. Oh, wow. Oh, that's... Was it like a thing where he's like, you know what? You just got into a fight there and it was like, fuck, you were broken up? Or was it like, I brought you here for a reason?

Like how... I mean, that's what I... Because I've broken up with my wife at Disneyland too, but we're still together. Right, right. I don't, you know... You know, you got a shot. You still may be in the game.

You still like him or it seems like you went the other way. We're actually like best friends. Like we're trying to be like a lesbian version of like Will and Grace. Oh, cool. We like live together. We're like best friends. Oh, it's a girl.

It's a girl. No, it's a boy. What the fuck? So then how would you be the lesbian version of? Yeah, he's got a dick. Because I'm the lesbian and he's the straight one. You're a lesbian now is what you're sticking with. Yes. Oh, okay. How long do you think you've been a lesbian for? Just out of one. You're a lesbian now is what you're sticking with. Yes.

How long do you think you've been a lesbian for? Just out of curiosity. I don't know how this stuff works. I came out as bisexual a year ago. To him? Of course. That's why you got broken up with. A little too late to go by.

It's a very progressive thing. It's okay. This guy sounds like a real Tinkerbell. Who does? No, he's okay. Sure. This guy sounds like a real Tinkerbell. Who does? No, he's amazing. Grayson's really great. Uh-huh. So about a year ago, you tell him, I think I might be into women.

Yeah. Well, I feel like I've always sort of struggled with it, but my mom is, that's a, ooh. There's Tinkerbell. I do believe in Barry. There it is. I do believe in Barry. That's the black swan of Tinkerbell. I do believe in fairies. That's the black swan of Tinkerbells right there. I think that's the ghost of Savannah flying around. It flew out of Kiana's pussy.

There's a lot of fairies on stage right now. Who's pussy? Kiana, the first comedian that had the Savannah tattoo. The ghost of Savannah. The sweet, sweet Georgia moth. The ghost of Savannah. The sweet, sweet Georgia moth.

Wow. So you told him that you're into a chick, and that's when he's like, perfect, dude. Let's have a fucking threesome, babe. And you're like, no, I'm not that type of bisexual. It's more like my own adventure,

and I've been watching a lot of MSNBC, and I've thought of this. Great. Get in the car. We're going to get a chur churro and I'm gonna break up with you at Disneyland. Yeah I mean yeah my mother is actually gay as well and so it's it was just like a struggle because I grew up in like a very conservative like Pennsylvania town. Yeah. And so I feel like I like we always had to like keep it a secret because like my mom like you my mom was trying not to get her fired because she worked in the school district.

Was it Handmaid's Tale? You guys are crazy. It is. It really is in Lancaster. It's like a version of it. Yeah, and so I feel like I came to California in my secret dreams. I'm like, I'm going to be gay there.

Jeremiah? We found out my mother is gay and we threw her in the well. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Pennsylvania. Different strokes. She did like being thrown into a big hole, though. You watch your damn mouth.

That's his mother. A big, wet hole. You know what? I'll kill you right here in broad daylight. I wish you would. Oh, my God. Wait a second. Is this a produced piece happening right now?

Someone's writing their scripts. Oh, it is a produced piece. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Whoa, shit. Looks like one of them doesn't know where this could go. Whoa. It's the wild, wild west out here

So Stephanie, when did you find out that your mom was gay? When I was in like fifth grade When you were in fifth grade And your mom and your dad are no longer together No, right Were they still together then? No, they divorced when I was like in first grade And then she came out when I was in fifth grade

How'd she let you know that? Do you remember where you were? Yeah, I was... Was it at the dinner table or something like that? And she's like, yeah, this steak isn't all I want to eat, you know what I mean? I'm in a pussy.

Pussy. I love, like, yeah, my stepmom... After school specials by Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah. Or maybe she just left one day and left a note, like, hey, going south of Savannah for a little bit. Yeah. Or maybe she just left one day and left a note like, hey, going south of Savannah for a little bit. That's one plantation I'll work on. What?

How'd she let you know? Was that a little bit wild? Yeah, well, we were actually... I talk about this in my sets, but we were actually in her bedroom. Melissa Eprich? Yeah, Melissa Eprich was playing in the background. This was my childhood, you guys. And you actually in her bedroom. Melissa Epridge? Yeah, Melissa Epridge was playing in the background. This was my childhood, you guys. And you're in your bedroom. Yeah, we're in our

bedroom, and she came out to us, me and my sister, because I just started shaving my legs, so I was mature enough to handle adult conversations because I was a lady now. And your mom's like, sweetheart, you don't have to do that. You don't have to shave your legs.

No, but like, I like, she told me and then I was like. You were in your bedroom? Yeah, we were in her bedroom. Did she literally come out of your closet? No. No, that's like the set. I physically ran into her closet because I was so like confused and scared.

And I just like literally hid there for hours. Wow. Yeah. And then she's literally hid there for hours. Wow. Yeah. What were you wearing? And then she's like, sweet. Brian, stop it. I was 10. This is, yeah, appropriate. And then what happened?

Man. And then when she found you, what did she say? Red band's extra curious now. All right. Did you say inappropriate? Were you wearing Oshkosh? Okay, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian. Stop it.

All right, so then your mom finds you in the closet. What does she say? Like, oh, sweetheart, come here and scissor with your mother, and let's talk about this. She just left me in there. I feel like her and my stepmom were just like, is this really happening? Did she just go into the closet?

You and your stepmom? No, like her and my step, like my mother and my stepmom? No, like, her and, because my step, like, my mother and my stepmom. Oh, gotcha. So there's already two moms. Right. Her roommate became my stepmom, yeah. Right. It's real.

It's real. I just saw Brian type in lesbian music. What the fuck? What do you think is going to pop up there? Lesbian music, Brian? What are you, on going to pop up there exactly? Lesbian music, Ryan? What are you on, Spotify? He is. He actually is.

It's the best kind of music. Lesbo. It's the best. Something I could run to. Send me the playlist. I'd be into it. Oh, my God. So it's a very incestual family.

You guys are all together in it. Yeah, I was pretty spot on with my Lannister thing to start this. Not like sex with each other but you guys are close. Anyone that gets in there is like a spider web. You keep them. This is what popped up under lesbian music.

More Melissa Etheridge. The roommate became the wife, the girlfriend then. That's what I'm saying. Everyone that gets close. Right, we stick together. Queer community, man. You gotta stay strong. Lesbians tend to stick together sometimes.

Scissors. Wow. So, Stephanie, what's your, you say you still live with your ex-boyfriend? Is that hard for him to see you just smashing puss while he sits there jerking off all the time? That's one of the coolest, like, fuck yous to a guy that breaks up with you ever. Hey, you know what? It's cool. Why don't we just stay living together?

And by the way, I'm a fucking lesbian now. Does he ever bring a girl home and you just grab her by the hand and take her into your bedroom? Yeah. He doesn't do comedy, does he? Because we would shred him if he came up here and told that story. Oh, I would love that. I wish he would. No, he's super funny, but no, he doesn't.

No, we haven't crossed that territory yet. That's like new waters. We haven't dealt with the sleepovers, you know. Ooh. Yeah. Yeah, we're trying to figure it out. I feel like there's no guide to like... I kissed a girl.

There you go. Sixth try, he found a real lesbian music. I couldn't find a good Kanye song. Doesn't even make any sense. Wow. All right, well, we've spent a lot of time with you, Stephanie. I love your charisma. You're so likable and cool.

I wish I could interview you more and find out more stuff. Very pretty face, too. We really lost one with you. I're so likable and cool. I wish I could interview you more. Very pretty face, too. We really lost one. I'm gay, but thank you. I don't know what just happened. But Brian might look enough like a lesbian to actually nail this. If you see these thighs, they'll crush your head. Wow.

Barf. Anyway. I think I just watched Stephanie become more of a lesbian shoved her over the corner vagina's coming out of her ass okay will you stop you're not even do you have a stroke or something

alright well Stephanie it was nice to meet you. We'll see you again soon. Come back again. I want to talk to you more. There she goes. Stephanie Wayne.

W-A-I-N. Follow her on Twitter. Stay funny. Underscored. W-A-I-N. There you go. Bush are real good. We're having fun, right?

Steve, how are you doing? She was great. Great energy. And much better to look at than the guy before. Tony, that last girl, she really put the L in lesbian. Oh, Jesus. L in, get it? What the hell was that?

I will fight you right here. She looked like L in, but the L in. I will fight to the death until this joke works. This looks like an interesting name. I don't know if we've had this person up before. Put your hands together for Sam Cutter. Sam Cutter.

Here we go. Is that Sam? I feel like it's not. Blacklisted. Oh, there you go. What? That's not him, no. People don't walk like the Undertaker to the stage.

All right, let's try this one. Jess Wood. Jess Wood. Oh, there she is. Jess Wood. Hello. Put your hands together for Jess Wood, everybody, there she is. Jess Wood. Hello. Put your hands together for Jess Wood, everybody. Thank you.

I'm really happy to be here, you guys, because I grew up right near here. I grew up about three and a half miles east of here. And I love watching people come to L.A. and walk around and they go, Oh, my God, a movie was shot here. Because I walk around and I go, Oh, my God, I was shot here. Because I walk around and I go, oh my god, I was shot here. It's a true story, thanks. I hung out with gang members a lot growing up. Essays, I didn't mean to, they found me at the...

They found me at my locker, you know. Some dude in a hairnet and his fucking up here just buttoned to the top of his flannel. He's like, Jessica, you need to hang out or something. We've been watching you home, girl. You're fucking crazy and shit. Now this is Froggy talking to you right now. Listen up. I was like, oh my God, Froggy. Does that tattooed tear mean you killed somebody? Because it's adorable. And he was like, yeah, but that was a long time ago. Okay, we're in seventh grade. There you go.

Just what? If you were going to tell me that tonight there was going to be a lesbian on stage, a girl with Savannah tattooed above her pussy, I would have guessed that you would be both of those people. I am. I am. Thank you. I both of those people. I am. I am. Thank you.

I am. You are? I am. You are a lesbian. No, but I've tried it. Oh. There you go. But I like the dick.

She gave it the old taste test, huh? Yeah. She looks like she has Portland tattooed above her pussy. No. Thank you, though, Jeremiah. Wow, this gaze is striking me

my fancy. Hell yeah. Speaking of gaze, you said that you tried being a lesbian for a bit.

What does that mean? I only tried it one time, Tony. I wish I could say I tried it for a bit.

So it was one night? Yeah, it was just like the Halloween scare. What did you take from it? Was there anything that surprised you

about your lesbian experience? Might have been your technique. Did you get gay in a haunted house? What was that? Scared straight. Did anything surprise you that you weren't expecting about being with a woman that night? Yeah, there must have been bees around.

We all know those pesky pussy bees that fly around all the time. Johnny on the spot. He really nailed it that time. Pussy bees. Pussy bees. It's fun. So, yeah, what was that like?

What was being with a woman like? I don't know. We talked too much. Oh. Yeah, she talked too much. I'm sorry. That sounds woman-hatey. I'm sorry.

Was this woman a chola? No. She was a runaway. Really? Yeah. Maybe she just had a dirty pussy. No. She was a runaway. Really? Yeah. Maybe she just had a dirty pussy. No, she needed somewhere to stay. Wow, a real runaway.

Yeah. There's your moment to hit Kanye music if you wanted to. Poopity poop. So how long have you been on stand-up? For too long to not know you guys. Too long to not know you. What's the math on that? But here's the thing.

Oh, wow. That was rough. No, really, because I grew up doing a lot of drugs. The PCP stuff is all real. Being shot is real. All that shit is real.

I don't really talk about bullshit up here because I've had a crazy life. Yeah. So I think for a lot of the times I was doing comedy, a lot of people didn't believe me when I was telling my story. Right.

So it got me really pissed, and I was kind of gangster in my head, like, well, fuck this club then. And then I'd leave, and I wouldn't come back. So that's good to do if you want to do something for your life. Just say, fuck it, and leave. That's important, kids. That's right, eh? That's fucking right.

Yeah. Oh, girl, that's what's up. Horrible. Horrible idea. Wait, is that shades of Jolina? That's right. I'm right here. Oh, wow.

We haven't seen you in a while. What made you come out tonight? Shit, this the homegirl right here talking about fucking being all crazy and shit. I'm like, well, let's see how crazy you are, bitch. Oh, this is Jolina. She gets a little pesky. She's a female Mexican from Los Angeles and she's been through a lot.

You ever run into her? Have you ever seen this girl before? Man, all the time. I always carry the fileto. I'm ready for her in the alleys. You know. Oh my god. Stiletto. You ever get into fights before?

I have. Yeah, you usually win, don't you? Oh, Jesus. Wow, she looked at me like she was about to fucking punch me, by the way, for the podcast listeners. What's your record? Criminal. Yeah. At her age, I would guess her record is vinyl.

Ooh, thank you. Thank you. You guys would know, I know. We're all peers. If you had to guess what your fighting record is, what is it? My guess is 701. Am I right? I don't know.

It was groups of people. You ever get beat up? Yes. Yeah? Yeah. What was that like? It hurts. She didn't do the dishes.

Oh, God. All right. Oh, that's right. Sorry, honey. All right, we're improv-ing. Give her a shiner real quick. What are you... You were in a jail?

So cute. Good question. Just in holding cells. Me too. Yeah? That's as far as we got. That's as far as we got. Because we're white.

Well, yes. Exactly. I wish I could say the same, but fuck, man. I know. I had my baby in there. It was crazy. Fuck.

In the holding cell? Nah, I went further than you. Hold me. I'm crazy, dog. Had my baby in there. How the hell did Jolina hack his robot mind? Jolina, how did you get out of it?

How did you end up getting out of prison? Well, you know, I fucking, I don't know, some way, I don't like to confirm or deny anything, you know? Is there any truth? That's right, girl, that's right. That's right, it's my lady right here, eh? That's right, no snitching.

Wow. No snitching. Because I heard that maybe there was a guard that put his dick through the bars. Oh, that puto? Yeah, that puto was like, he was crazy. He touched it at me, but like, whatever. He touched it?

I heard that you jacked it him off. I did. I jacked it him off. Wow. Jess actually beat him to it. That's incredible. That's a callback. I let her have it, all right?

I don't think Joel realized the beach ball I was blowing up for him there, but obviously Jess is listening to the show. I haven't seen the beach in years, Tony. I'm sorry. It looks like Robot Jeremiah is even mad at Joel for not catching on to us. I mean, I saw it from three damn miles away. What the hell? I will shoot you right in the temple right here.

Oh, fuck. God damn it. Fuck, that was so funny. All right, Jess. Yo. What's some other crazy shit that you've been up to? Like, you know, if we were doing, like, a live interview and we wanted to get, like, the best out of you as fast as possible,

what would you say? Okay, I was the first white chick on Def Comedy Jam. Whoa. What? Wow. I didn't want to do that bit, though, because I thought it was hacky. What, when was that? I love that that bit, though, because I thought it was hacky. When was that? I love that you're afraid of your age.

Look, we can see your face, lady. I know, I know. I don't know what the fuck you should have. Oh, but seeing, I don't care about the age. She has the coldest eyes, by the way. She can literally be smiling, but her eyes fucking change. She's like one of those white walkers or something like that when they just fucking flip. I feel that I'm going to kill people.

Tony, I also like that she said she's been doing stand-up too long to know who you are, but she knew my joke. Oh, that's true. I didn't want to see the year of Def Jam because I was embarrassed about how long I've been in the game and haven't been up and doing shit more. So it was 96. There you go. There's the answer to the question. Cedric the Entertainer was my host. I love that.

You're 96 years old. That's right. That's right. That's exactly right. That's what I was trying to know. That's exactly right. Wow, that's fucking awesome. Yeah, it was great.

I mean, no one knew I was a comic. Everyone thought I was a stylist when I got there, so it was awkward. But, you know, I did. How'd you do? I was okay. Whoa, did they air it? Steve, I remember.

No. I actually. No? No, they didn't. Then you bombed. No, I thought I did really good. No, you didn air it? Steve, I remember. No. I actually. No? No, they didn't. Then you bombed. No, I thought I did really good. No, you didn't. They would have aired it, I think, right?

Steve, I actually saw it. Wait, it didn't air? Oh, that just ruined my whole joke. Fuck it. Yeah, it didn't air, bro. They always don't air the good ones, right? Do you want to hear why, Steve? I was going to say.

You just want to say that I bombed. You don't want to hear why? No, no, I'm just saying I don't think. Ooh, Jess Wood is getting. Yeah, I want to go against, I just want to say that I bombed. You don't want to hear. No, no. I'm just saying. I don't think like I. Oh, Jess would. Yeah. I want to go against you. I want to. I want to take it to the to the mat.

I don't want to fight you. That's what you're asking. What is happening? Not because the Def Jam. They didn't know what the hell. They were like so confused because I came out. You were white. Yes.

But nobody asked you like beforehand, like what bits you're going to do or anything like that. They saw me. They they wrote me from seeing me. I hadn't even done stand-up a year. And the guys that were casting it saw me, saw me kill, kill, kill. But I only killed in urban rooms. They called it urban rooms.

Only black and – You know what the word urban means. You don't have to throw that. That's what they called it. So black and Spanish rooms I killed. But white people were like, no. So when they did Def Jam they brought it to Los Angeles in 96 for some

horrible reason and they put us up in Beverly Hills and everyone in the crowd was a celebrity or a white person so it was a dead ass crowd I had a great joke about fighting and with Vaseline putting Vaseline on my face and everyone was just I don't understand what he's doing up there

are you sure you didn't perform in an actual deaf comedy jam? Perhaps that's why they weren't responding to your jokes. They were deaf. As in hard of hearing. Cedric the Entertainer was my host.

He was really sweet. But his introduction to me to come out on stage, he was like, all right, y'all. Y'all are excited for your next comedian. I know you are,

but for your next comic, I want y'all just to keep an open mind. Oh, God. That's exactly what he fucking said. That's exactly what he said. That's exactly what he said. I can't make that up.

I can't make any of this up, Jeremiah. Jess. I feel like he was trying to do you a favor. I bet he thought he was. Do you have a joke about this? That's so funny. Yeah, he used to say that. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. There it was. And you don't need to get... And you don't need to do all that stuff on the front end. I'm trying to shove that. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. There it was. And you don't need to get. And you don't need to do all that. You don't need to do all that stuff on the front end. I'm trying to shove them in here. Oh, wow.

Like, you know, you guys were through those girls that got up here earlier. Yeah, that was cute. I like that. I like watching. Are you talking about Red Band? I wasn't flirting with any of those girls. It was this guy over here. What do you think about him?

What would you do to Brian Red Band? Oh, Jesus. So you're tight? Oh, now you don't want to be all sexual and creepy? I feel like I made out with you before, though. Have we not made out? over here. What do you think about him? What would you do to a Brian Redman? To your tight? I feel like I made out with you before, though. Have we not made out? Yeah, we did. I think we made out.

Okie dokie. Anyway, wow. All right. For real? What are the odds of that? I've been looking at him for like, I came here before, I've been trying to get up, and I keep looking, and I'm like, I know this fucker. And I usually can't remember, because I've fucked so many people, but I think I made I'm like, I know this fucker. And I usually can't remember because I fuck so many people, but I think I made out with you.

Because we didn't fuck, so I remember the makeup. It's a love connection here at the Comedy Store. I love that. What are the absolute odds? I'm too old for him. He likes 10 to 15 year olds. What? Right? That's what he said. It seemed like that earlier. I don't know what's going on.

If I made out with Brian Redman, I would take that secret to the grave. You were in the alley, right? Yes. Yes. Oh, what? What the fuck is happening? It was $10, guys. $10.

Wow. This is where she reveals it. What in the alley? She's also been mothering his two children. I smoked a lot of PCP, Tom. Really? Yeah, with the S's. What's that like? It's like being a midget on a cloud. That's what it felt like to me.

Like a midget on a cloud. But I used to pass out all the time. You've never been on a cloud? Now that is a specific description. Yes. That's exactly how it felt. I don't know if anybody's done it, but it feels like a fucking Yeah, it feels weird. I pass out all the felt. I don't know if anybody's done it, but it feels like a fucking... Yeah, it feels weird. I pass out all the time.

I mean, it's elephant tranquilizer, you guys. I don't know. Are you sober now? You seem like you've got all your shit together. I like acid. Okay. Wow. Do you have any?

Right? Very honest. I like acid. Hell yeah. How often do you do acid? How often do you do acid? I did it for New Year's So quarterly I guess Yes

Mother's Day is coming Perfect Get your best bonnet and acid tab out That's right Let's go to church You just took it at home and stayed there on New Year's? No I was I was fucking this dude and we went to a party. I mean, I wasn't fucking him when we went to the party.

His name is Brian Redbane. We just made the connection. I wish. Wow. Yeah. What else? Damn. Wait, you're a mother?

Did you say you're a mother? No. Oh, no. I've killed so many children, I'm sorry I'm pro-choice, fuckers Is that true? How many abortions have you had, do you think? Five

How many do I think? Where are your sound effects, sir? Give me fucking anything on that By the way The sixth one's free I don't know if you still got any fucking eggs left in there I get the baby doll too By the way. Yeah, there you go. Three. Ba, ba, ba, ba. The sixth one's free. I don't know if you still got any fucking eggs left in there. I get the baby doll, too.

You get that punch card. The sixth one's free, sweetheart. That's right. You said that like you performed three of them and just had two of them yourself. Yeah, you know. No, I've never met somebody that calls drive-bys abortion. Jeremiah? Jeremiah? I would get that on a t-shirt.

I've had five abortions. Yeah, this could be your new get her done. Where I come from, they call her the fetus Diablo. It's true. Wow. How spread out are your abortions?

My mom herself has five kids and I'm the youngest of five, and there's like 12 years in between me and my older siblings, so I'm curious. It was quarterly. Well, like yearly. You're like four-year, four-year, four-year. Oh, so you're like a leap-year abortion lady. Yes. And to be honest, one fell out. You told me that one just fell out.

Yeah. Wait, what are you guys doing? Your own little troop or something? That's a starting NBA basketball team. Yeah. Five human lives. Or like a variety show. You have five abortions.

Yes. You've killed more people than the YouTube shooter. Or I like to say I'm like China, but I don't know if they were all girls. All right. Thank you. Thank you. I liked mine better. Well, okay.

Everyone did. It's okay. Because you're the man. Thanks, Jess. Yeah. Well, congratulations for knowing your body and knowing what you can handle. Thanks. It's still very delightful in there.

Yeah. It looks great. I don't know. Her vagina might look like Mad Max Fury Road now. Oh, Jeremiah, you know it's lovely. All right, I do. Okay. Fuck, this is another great interview.

I feel like I could talk to you forever. Thanks, I like it. You know it's good when 15 minutes in, you find out she had five abortions. You know what I mean? That's usually headline news, breaking tonight. Her pussies had more vacuums in her than a hotel room at the Flamingo in Vegas.

Was that in breaking news? Yes. Actually, when you hear that, that means that it was actually true. Like, I meant it to be a joke, but then he fact-checked it. The guy that Googles lesbian music. So expertly. Give me my lesbian music. I wonder what will pop up here.

Lesbian music. All right. Was that abortion music? No, no, no. Jess, you are so much fucking fun. And let me just say that it seems like you have a little bit of a, and I don't mean this in a negative way, like a little bit defensive about how long you've been doing it

and things like that, but you shouldn't be because your interview and everything, I mean, this has been so fucking entertaining. Thanks. Because your interview and everything, I mean, this has been so fucking entertaining. Thanks. Your skill set, your fucking experience shows in this part of the show. You know, a lot of people can be funny for 60 seconds once or twice or three times. But to be interesting during this part isn't easy.

And we just spent longer with you than I think we've spent with anybody in maybe a long, maybe ever perhaps. Can I plug my podcast? Sure. What's your podcast? I'll actually allow it. I have a podcast called Get Wood. Get Wood? Get Wood. And it's an audio diary. That's what they call it. It's a bunch of stories, characters. It's really fun. And you seem like you've had an interesting

life. Yes. There she is, Jess Wood ladies and gentlemen. Thanks you guys. She's on Twitter is, Jess Wood, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks, you guys. She's on Twitter, at the Jess Wood. Is that Mighty Morphin Power Rangers? Hell yeah, it is. Wow. You know, to be honest, I don't think I really made out with her, but the more we talked, I was like, fuck, did I really make out with this woman?

You make a lot of bad choices, Redmail. All right. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Mike Eshak. There we go. Here he comes. It's like he was ready for this. He's just standing there.

Oh, sure. I'm from Detroit. Are you sure? Used to be the murder capital, now it's cute. This is how much Detroit has changed. There was a spot that I used to go to where I could buy weed from a black guy in a low rider. Now you go there and you can get sushi from a black guy and a low rider. Now you go there and you can get sushi from a white guy and a curly mustache. Just the other

day I saw a white girl running and she wasn't running from anything. She was just running. I was home for the holidays. I was driving through Detroit. I saw cops. We have cops now. Fucking adorable. Thank you. Alright, Mikey Shaq. Clocking out of work ten seconds early there,

but you're from Detroit, so we'll allow it. There it is. I didn't know that it was... How you doing, Mike? That was awesome, dude. That was fucking real shit. That's great. It's been a big week for you.

We found out you don't eat pussy this week, so... Come on, you got that same beard and... Motherfucker, I eat pussy. I know. I love it. Can I just say... Not all pussy. Motherfucker, I eat pussy. I know. All right. I love it. Can I just say... Not all pussy, though. Right, not all pussy.

Not all pussy. Yes. Can I just say you are the strangest Injun I have ever seen? You're the strangest Jew I've ever seen. You got me. He just called you a Jew? Yeah, I don't even know what that is. They put the wrong nose on that robot.

Just going straight off the nose. I love it, Mike. Detroit train. Jeremiah is a Christian, but his nose is indeed very Jewish. 100%. It's a big nose. Force of truth. Mike Ishak, that was awesome, dude.

So you're from Detroit. How long have you been on stand-up? A year and six months. Yeah. Are you just visiting or you live here now? No, I live here. How long have you been here? About five years.

Five years. Fuck yeah. What do you do for work? Right now I invest in real estate. That's where you get that Rolex Submariner from? This is from my mom actually Oh way to make it weird You have a lot of family

I wouldn't buy a watch that expensive It's a nice watch Your family has money? We're Middle Eastern yeah I don't think that's the right country Brian Jesus I don't think that's the right country, Brian. Jesus. Was that under your lesbian music file? Yes.

It's Africa. Not Middle Eastern. Close to Africa. Close. Yeah, but still, he doesn't know that. It still has the, oh, you know. Red Band has the Lion King pegged down to being filmed in the Middle East.

He remembers the sand and the rocks. Go dirt. All right. So, Mike, you're investing in real estate. How did you get to that point? I've been investing in real estate since just before the market crash, like back in 2007 in Detroit. You seem younger than that. You look younger than you are?

Mm-hmm. Wow. You're like the opposite of the lady that was up here last. Yeah. She's going to fucking kill me. She's vicious. I just see a pair of glowing red eyes in the back of the room. I came out here for work.

I was producing a show called Swamp People for like three seasons. Swamp People? Oh, starring Brian Redman? Troy Landry. He does look like Troy Landry. Wow. What does Swamp People mean? What is it?

Okay. You're just going to use the whole soundtrack, right Ben? Ben? How did you start producing swamp people? How does that happen? You're in Detroit at the time. Yeah, we're the swamps of Detroit. Oh, well, so not only was I like, you know, for a while I was doing improv at Second City.

And I also bought a camera when I was coming up. So I just really was like really into making films. I created a web series called The Ed and Mo Show. It garnered like a pretty decent audience And then I kind of used that To give me a job Wow And then like three years doing that

I was kind of like fuck this shit I just want to do comedy What kind of Middle Eastern are you? The good kind Wow that sounds like the bad kind to me If that is your answer. You lost me at, uh. Wow.

Which one? Saudi Arabian? No, my family's from Yemen, but both my parents were born in Indonesia. All right. Most of my family's in Indonesia. So do you work on railroads or not? Railroads. No, it's a different place.

It's a different place. You're thinking of Chinese people. All right. In our time, we call it Uber. Forget it. Mike, you got really mad at me when I made a joke that was in reference to DJ Khaled this week. Said that he doesn't eat pussy. I said that you said that this week. He doesn't eat his wife's pussy.

Yeah, I was offended because I really like eating pussy. So, do you have any special moves that you do when you're with the ladies or anything like that that you could teach us here tonight? Like anything? Use your beard in any aggressive way perhaps? Depending on the girl. Do you do anything like Middle

Eastern? No, you don't know what that means? No, I don't know what that means. You don't know what it means by depending on the girl? No, I know what it means using your beard depending on the girl. Oh. Yeah, I don't know what that means. Well, depending on the girl. Some girls want it. Want the beard? Yeah. Do you ever do any Middle Eastern sex tricks, like spread her legs and go

like, here comes the airplane into the trade center? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I make airplane sounds with my dick. I make airplane sounds with my dick. yeah, yeah. I make airplane sounds with my dick. I make airplane sounds with my dick. Wait, what? I make airplane sounds with my dick. Oh, Jesus. Oh, that's... I want to hear the beard technique.

How does the beard... When the girls that want the beard, what do they get when they want the beard? You just got to feel it out. You know what I mean? Nope. Again, you're losing me in every turn. Sometimes it's like you try a little bit like that. You know what I mean Nope Again You're losing me In every turn Sometimes Sometimes

Sometimes it's like You know you try A little bit like that You know what I mean He's like You just See how she responds You just drag it up

Right And then And then if she really likes it You know And then what do you do Just like Yeah Yeah

You say Or like this This is easier This is easier Like this He's like Do you ask the girl Do you want the beard

You want the beard No that's not sexy You don't ask I ask the girl, do you want the beard? You want the beard? No, that's not sexy. You don't ask. What do you call that trick, the head-shaking thing you just did? What is that? The Brillo pad. You should call it the Michael J. Fox catcher or something like that. Tony calls it the magic

carpet ride. Yes. Mike, what are some other fun facts about you? You've been doing stand-up for a little more than a year. You already have a Rolex. I'm a former U.S. Marine. Oh, wow. Thank you for your service.

How long did you serve? Four years. Just goes to show, no matter what kind of blood you have in your body, you can always choose to fight for the correct side. You know what I mean? That was a pro-American joke. USA!

USA! How is that pro-American and racist at the same time? I don't know how you managed to do that. That's the same thing pretty much now. I love it when somebody's like, yeah! Fuck yeah

It's crazy you're from Detroit Because you are Danny Brown Danny Brown is from Detroit Is that the guy that got choked out? It's actually going to be the Danny Brown will be a guest When we're in Detroit When we're in Detroit

September 20 something Oh my god Mike any other fun facts about you? You know if you had five abortions Or anything like that? Nah man We're in Detroit, September 20-something. Oh, my God. Mike, any other fun facts about you? Have you had five abortions or anything like that? Nah, man. Just was in the Marine Corps. It was a good time.

What did you do when you were in the Marine Corps? Did you go overseas? Yeah, but no wars. So it's nice. Where'd you go? What do you think, the music's coming from him? The fuck is, what do you think, he's a Bluetooth speaker? He is a robot.

He just looked at me like I was playing that out of my saxophone. I know. He gave me a death stare like, how the hell are you playing this with your saxophone, you dumb Jew? That's exactly it. You're a talented Jew. Jeremiah, play Wham! Man. So where did you visit?

Mostly in Europe. We did like Malta. I went to Israel and then Spain. Like a vacation. Pretty much, yeah. Did Barcelona. Did Barcelona. Did Barcelona ring in the new year? Wow.

Jeez, sounds lovely. It was a good time, yeah. No war. I take back my thank you for your service. Yeah, exactly. I didn't do shit, bro. Did you really ring in the new year in Barcelona? Yeah. Or were you just on acid with some hippie named Jess Wood?

All right, forget it. I do like acid, though. I do like acid. Oh, yeah? Yeah. You do? Not for me. What's your favorite thing about acid?

Throwing it on innocent Middle Eastern girls' faces? That's right, you bitches. I'm a goddamn American. Red, white, and blue. Mostly white. red white and blue mostly white been waiting 11 years to do that acid on a girl trick waiting for a middle eastern guy to say oh I love acid

never happens and then I do it and you guys boo and hiss me all you immigrants in this audience tonight I don't know DMT too Kiss me, all you immigrants in this audience tonight. I don't know. All right, well. DMT, too. DMT.

Ah, DMT. DMT's fun. Wow. Right? Wow. DMT. Did you learn anything from DMT when you took it? Yeah, that death is a fun house. Mm-hmm.

Yep, that's what my mother used to say. She locked me in a shed. It was fun. It's very colorful and warm. Have you ever done it? No, never DMT or acid. Mushrooms? Mushrooms, yeah.

Yeah, mushrooms are fun. How often? Are you into drugs? Yeah, like psychedelics? Definitely. Every week? Almost. Every, like, week? Almost. Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh, that's cool.

Sometimes I'll microdose for a while. Oh, of course. Downshift. You seem like you work out a lot too, huh? Yeah. Yeah, I try to work out. I got to, otherwise I'll be fat. Right.

That's how it works. That's how it works. That's how it works, yeah. No, but I got to be really fat. You know what I mean? I used to be big. Like hundreds of pounds more than you are now? I was like 250, 260. Wow.

Really? Yeah. And then the military got you into shape? No, this was after the military. I got even bigger. Oh, okay. You missed it. You missed that fucking vacation.

Yeah. All right. How'd you lose the weight? Just... Any secrets to it? Yeah. P90. How'd you lose the weight? Just... Any secrets to it? P90X? Just didn't P90X. I did that for a minute.

Only eating. Just started eating good and shit. Only eating pussy? Yeah. All right. You burn a lot of calories eating pussy, you know? How many? Especially when the girl can't confess.

You wear a Fitbit when you eat pussy? Is that how you know? My Apple Watch. I got the Apple Watch, the heartbeat. I don't care if you came. It's over the three minutes of work. I burned 500 calories. This is for you, bro.

It was a pleasure to meet you, man. Well, thanks for doing the show. Fun times. Way to do it. Mike Eshak, ladies and gentlemen. Mikefromdetroit.com is his website. He put that on the Twitter line. He also just touched me on his way off stage.

We now have anthrax on us. It was okay when the blonde lesbian did it, but Mike Ishak just touched me on his way off stage. Don't breathe in for a couple minutes. Let's do something fun, shall we? We have a regular that performs every single week on this show. Steve, you haven't gotten to see him before.

He's been a regular for six or seven weeks. He sleeps in his car, which just broke down this week. And here he is with a brand new minute. Put your hands together for the great Malcolm Hatchett, ladies and gentlemen. The crowd roars. Here for the great Malcolm Hatchett, ladies and gentlemen. The crowd roars. Here he is.

Malcolm Hatchett, everybody. What's up? Fellas, you ever get some hair so good that your ass start hurting? Got some hair the other day and walked away like this Oh shit Bitch took the air out of both cheeks Utter I seen a gay dude

Become tough for a minute And scared me gay I was walking I seen a dude like This gay ass dude keep looking at Gay dude was like Who the fuck you talking to I was was like, who the fuck you talking to? I was like, yeah, nigga, who the fuck you talking to? You ever see a gangbanger hurt himself because he's so strong? Hey, nigga, where you from?

Ow! Shit. Black girls say everything but no. You can line them up and ask the same question. They ain't gonna say no at all. Give me some head. Get the fuck out of my face. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Give me some head. Boy, bye. Give me some head, boy, bye. Give me some head, nigga, lay the fuck down. Malcolm Hatchett, doing it again. Not only a new minute, how about a minute and ten seconds? Throwing a little extra in there for us. Hilarious, fun times.

How's your car? Man, that shit, fuck. Is it dead? No. What happened to it exactly? I was driving on the way to the ice house, and it got weak. What do you mean? The car got weak? Yeah, it was because I was just pressing the gas, and it got weaker and weaker. Then it started smoking, and the A2 wheel almost fucked me up, but I got off in time.

Wow. Then I lift the hood up, and there was smoke everywhere. I felt like one of them WWE wrestlers because I was in the smoke like this. When the cars was going by. It overheated? What happened? That's steam. You shouldn't put your face in that, by the way. I called contact. Yeah, it overheated. It won't cram back up.

My friend told me what was wrong with it. There's a lot of shit wrong with it. What's wrong with it? If I go over 30 miles per hour, that shit will go in reverse. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Wait, it's just that fucked up. It's fucked up. I ain't

got seatbelts. I can't go there. That shit fucked me. Can't go above 30 miles an hour? I'll never get there. The fuck, dude. I followed the situation as always on Instagram stories and we were excited to see that you put a GoFundMe up

to save your car. You should. I didn't even want to do it. You put a limit up of $1,000 and in two days you made over $2,000. $3,600. You got a Tesla?

This is how much Kill Tony fans owe. $3,600. Good for you guys. He made more than we made reading that Mother's Day Valentine's Day ad this last week. We don't think we made anything on that.

He made $3,600 more than we did. So are you going to buy like an SUV or something more comfortable to sleep in? I'm going to just buy a gas saver, like a Honda or a Volvo, something cool. Do not buy a Prius, please. I might just buy a coat and go back to selling drugs. Oh, shit. There he goes.

It's an expensive coat, but it'll up your profile. I love that. So you're going to get a new car and things are going good for you. I don't know if you want to talk about it, but I'm going to bring it up anyway. I happened to find out last week that you got signed by a major, major, major agency, like the most major agency. Which is, by the way, for those of you that don't know anything about show business,

is absolutely unheard of. It is unheard of to still be at the level of sleeping in your car and being seven months in and being signed by basically the biggest agency in the world. Congratulations. One of the biggest ones. Yeah. So, you have that going for you. You have to get

10% of that GoFundMe to your agent, though. It was cool, though, because I went up there for the first time and like made it official and i knew i had kind of made it because they had fruit in the hallway and that shit was real it wasn't fake at all i called my mom i was like they got real fruit she said baby you made it now send me a hundred dollars yeah, for real though. That is awesome. Real bananas. Damn. What's your mom like?

Is she a cool lady? Yeah, she cool. She like a little bit ghetto version of Oprah and Madea. Does she watch this? Wait, wait, wait. When you say ghetto, you mean a little bit more ghetto? No. Well, she like Oprah when white people around.

And then she like Madea when it's time to get... Would she be herself? I'd be telling her about it. She'd be like, baby, it sounds good, but I don't be in all this social media shit. I think my brother showed her some episodes,

but she don't even know how to text. She'd be tripping now. Yeah. Did she raise you on her own? Well, my dad died when I was in the fifth grade. Oh, really? So, yeah. I didn't know that.

That's interesting. How'd your dad die? Diabetes. Whoa. Shit. You got to watch that, then. I'm already dead. I'm reincarnated.

All my friends are dead. Man. How old? You were in fifth dead Man How old You were in fifth grade How old was he when he died? He was like He was like Fuck like 50 something

Wow 50 something You were gonna say 22 or something Two quarters Man You better You better start eating the fruit At your agent's lobby Yeah

No don't eat the fruit Well no you You would eat that fruit That's good sweets Yeah that shit real, though. I think. You'd probably know more about diabetes than me. Where's Dean Teller?

All right. Well, Malcolm, that's fun. Anything else exciting going on in life? Oh, I've been in the studio dropping hits. Really? Yeah, so have I. You've been in a real music studio? Yeah, I just did a song with this dude named Straight Life.

I didn't do a song. I just did a little goofy shit. Oh, cool. What's the goofy shit you do? Just talking on it. Like, yo, this shit fire, man. Y'all check it out. So you're the hype man for this guy?

The greatest job in the world. It's so good. I'm going to share it later. Look at Flavor Flav. And then I did another song called Ball Headed. I was talking about girls with no hair. I heard it. I love it.

It's hilarious. It's about girls with no hair? Like cocky girls, but they ain't got no hair. And heard it. I love it. It's hilarious. It's about girls with no hair? Be like cocky girls, but they ain't got no hair. And the whole time I'm just saying, lay down. Lay down. It's on SoundCloud. Yeah. That's hilarious.

Man, that's fun. Yeah, someone once told me that Nicki Minaj has like nothing left up there. I guess there was once a lady who she was mean to, but the lady was the hairstylist. And the hairstylist was the one that had to, like, you have to, like, attach the wig to, like, this one little tiny piece of hair that she has left. Do you think there's any truth to this, Malcolm? Are you close enough to Nicki Minaj to know anything about this? Hell no. I don't know nothing about this.

Not yet. But I think you will be. How did you feel about this minute this week? Oh, it was cool because I drank a Faygo soda before I came up here. Oh, okay. Following in your father's footsteps, I see. Oh shit, that's true.

Your favorite Faygo is cotton candy flavored Faygo. Oh no. So the die was cast before you came out here? You didn't really care how the set went? You drank a Faygo soda. You're good to go. It gave me wings. I feel good. It's cool.

Everybody cool. Awesome. Well, life is on the up and up. You are one of the, in my opinion, one of the coolest things happening in the world right now. I think it's great for veterans of comedy and for new people of comedy to get to see somebody like you being positive, doing the work, writing during the day, performing at night, living in his car for now.

How many times has this been for you on Kill Tony, do you know? Eight out of eight times you've killed it. You haven't had one bad set yet. That's amazing. Yep. There he goes, Malcolm Hatchett, ladies and gentlemen. He did it again.

They go with the flute. They go with the flute. They go with the flute. I wonder if he's ever going to have that one bad set. It almost seems like it's impossible for him.

Well, Jesus, easy. I mean, anything can happen on any given night. Do you want more time? Yeah, definitely. Let's do it. You guys want to keep going? Yeah. I gave a polite nod in the front. I like that. Put your hands together for

Jerome Tennyson. Jerome Tennyson. And Blacklist. Nope, nope, there he is. Okay. Okay. Jerome Tennyson, everyone.

Come on. Yeah, what's up, Comedy Store? Happy to be here. It's Teacher Appreciation Week. I'm a high school math teacher. That's right. Pillar of this community. My friends find all the time they ask me, like, am I afraid of, like, school shootings?

And I tell them, hell yeah. Like, these kids are crazy. Like, I had my eye on one kid already. Like, he's not even in my class. I just saw him in the hallway. I was like, this kid would shoot all this up. So I'm, like, friendly with him. Like, I invite him to my class was like, this kid will shoot all this up. So I'm like friendly with him. I invite him to my class during lunch.

We play Fortnite. Just like hang out. I'm like, you got a friend in me. Because in my mind, I'm like, if I'm nice to him now, if he starts shooting up the school, he'd be like, brrrr, and stop. He'd be like, Mr. Tennyson, is that you behind the desk crying? I'd be like, yeah.

He'd be like, go on and get out of here. You got a friend in me. And then now they want to give, like, teachers guns. Like, I don't want no gun. I don't know, being a black male, like, can you imagine, like, a school shooting happened? I go grab my gun, run in the hallway. The police like, there he is. Take him out.

I got to hold a kid hostage. Fuck yeah. Jerome Tennyson. Fucking killing. There you go. Nicely done. Nicely done. Oh, thank you.

Thank you. That was awesome. You are the funniest member of the Migos that we've ever had. That's fun, man. Is this your first time on the show? No, I've been on here four times. I'm four for four. I'm catching up to my uncle.

Oh, shit. I love it. Is that a true story about the kid? What made him seem more like a school shooter? Well, first of all, he's in high school and he had a lunch pill. Oh. So that's one thing. And then he just kind of had that look. I don't know.

I can't really describe the look, but it's like something where you see it. You keep an eye on somebody. Fuck yeah. There you go. He always plays this song for the four people that get it in the main room So Jerome, what else is going on in life? How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years now

All in LA? Yeah What do you do for work? You're a fucking math teacher Yeah, I was like, what the fuck? How long have you been doing that for? This is my second This will be like my first school year, so like one and a half years though.

Okay. And what grade are you teaching? Right now most of my students are seniors, but I have one freshman class. That's fun. Do you have any 18-year-old girls that are really hot? You are disgusting. I knew we were going there. Do you have any 18-year-old girls that are hot?

I mean, you know, this is on the internet. By the way, if you didn't pick it up, I don't want to get in trouble yet. The answer was absolutely yes, by the way. If an 18-year-old girl leaves Brian Redband's house at 8 a.m.

and is driving 35 miles per hour, how long until he catches up with him and locks her in his basement? He said 35 miles an hour. She's pregnant. Oh, wow. Jerome, what is your love life like? It's good, man. I have a girl.

We've been together six years, five years. Wow. Yeah. That's interesting. Where'd you meet her at? College. We went to college. Where was college? UC Riverside. UC Riverside.

She's a white girl, black girl? Black girl. Black girl. Yeah. Wow. Afro-Ditey loves that. Jesus. Afro? I love that we call her Afro for short. Get it together. Have you ever tried a white girl before?

No, I haven't. There it is. Wow. Aphrodite is what we call a purebred. Really? Purebred. Never once a white girl? Huh? Never a white girl? Never a white girl?

Never a white girl. Has the thought ever crossed your mind? Not really, but I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I'm not going to say I never thought about it, but I just never have. One time, this white lady is very angry right now. I know, she is pissed. Jerome, you can pull out your dick from where you are and fuck her with it if you want.

We can take care of this right now. This guy would like to get in the middle, obviously. He's out of here. This guy wants you to shove it in his ass. Me first. He's pissed. Not paying any attention. He didn't know she liked black dudes.

He was like, I'm out of here. Next time, I'll bring you somewhere. One time, I thought about making love to a black woman, but then I went to church and asked God for forgiveness. You don't know what you're missing out on, man. That was actually Jeremiah talking, not his character. Have you been with Latino or Asian or anything else except? Mix. So like Latino and black mix.

Oh. We call that a witch doctor. A witch doctor. Jerome, what do you do for fun when you're not teaching or doing stand-up? Let's see, man. I recently got into kayaking and stuff. What?

What? That is extra, extra dangerous when you don't know how to swim. That is true. That is true. You don't know how to swim?'t know how to swim. That is true. That is true. You don't know how to swim? I know how to swim. Oh, okay. Thank God. Tony was being racist. He was, but it's okay. He was.

It's his show, so... Where do you kayak in Los Angeles? The last time I went kayaking was Catalina. I went to Catalina. I've never been there. It's an island, right? But you've never dated a white woman before.

Nope. That might be the first step. Kayak. This whole math teacher thing is not adding up for you. Usually a white woman teaches you how to kayak. It usually goes the other way. Nah, there was a person

you rented from was a white woman. Did you fuck her? No, I didn't. We talked at the same time. We did. That was weird. But at the same time, it was cool. It happens.

Now, what kind of race of porn do you enjoy the most? Oh my God. I just want to know if you've never dated a white girl maybe you like white girl porn. White girl porn is cool. That's fine. Let me ask you this. Do you like student

teacher porn? You know what? You know what's crazy? One of my co-workers, a teacher got caught watching porn in class. What? Looks like the student became a teacher. This just happened. This happened like last month. What was he, he was looking at it on his phone?

I guess he was looking at it on the computer, and one of the students asked to use his computer, and he had it up, so she hit a button or something, and the projector and everything was up. Yeah, that's crazy. And so when he got caught, like we had to have a meeting or whatever. Oh, really? I bet you did. That's crazy. When he got caught, we had to have a meeting or whatever.

I bet you did. They didn't tell the teachers what was going on. It was rumored. Somebody got caught watching porn. I was so nervous on my way to that meeting. Wait, have you watched porn on your phone at work? I have. Lunch time.

Fuck, man. Which teacher? What was that teacher teaching? Was that like the phys ed or something? No, that was teaching AP stats. So I had to pick up. It was only like three weeks left of school, but I had to pick up his class. Wow. One of his classes.

AP stats. Statistically, he has a very good chance of being a child molester. That's a weird thing, because if you get caught as a teacher looking at porn and fired, your job's pretty much over. All the school that you went to, you're not going to get a job. Reason for leaving previous job.

I think they gave him paid leave for now. Paid leave? Yeah, because he got the union protection, so he has investigation and all that kind of stuff, so he's still getting paid right now. Fucking interesting. Summer started early for him. Hell yeah. So,

do kids play pranks on you? When we were a kid, we always had fart bombs and all that shit. What's the pranks the kids are doing nowadays? No, but occasionally kids do crazy. I had a kid throw a stapler across the class. Whoa, that's not a prank at all. No.

Or they thought it was funny. Wow. Yeah, they thought it was funny. And it was. The comedian was laughing, but then I had to give him the whole. But you had to be serious, right? Yeah, I had to give him the whole. Okay, so let's say were you facing the chalkboard?

You were facing the other way? No, I was helping another student, so my back was to the rest of the class. Okay, so let's say your back was to the stapler throw? Yeah. Okay, so let's say the class was over here, or the stapler came from the audience. Okay. Facing them, show them what you did exactly.

All right. So you're teaching the kid, and then the stapler comes. And I turned around. Who threw that? You know how I found out who threw it? Because I really didn't see. There was this kid, like I know my students very well, so there was this one kid I knew damn well he didn't throw it.

But I blamed him, right? And so when I blamed him and then I acted like I was about to write a detention slip and I waited for a second and he looked over at the kid that really did it. He was like, oh, you're just going to let me? And I was like, I knew it was you. Come here. Got it.

Wow. That's awesome. Psychology. Fuck yeah. Backdoor. The old fucking stapler fucking detention slip trick. Wow. Oh, fuck.

I used to be a bad student. I used to be mean. In fact, I once had a teacher get caught watching porn, and that's when I was in school, by the way, which is really hard. So check this out. One day we were on a bus trip back from, we were visiting the Cleveland Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I think I'm in like 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th grade,

somewhere in there. And we're on a bus trip. It was a fancy enough bus to where they had the TVs at the time, which was like fucking spaceship shit to us. Yeah, they were like the tube TVs. Yeah, but you had to put it on an actual VCR.

There were no DVDs yet. He had a VCR in it. It was supposed to be like fucking Titanic or some shit or some Free Willy or something like that. Obviously, he had a VCR in. It was supposed to be like fucking Titanic or some shit or something like Free Willy or something like that. And obviously he had recorded halfway into it. He had recorded porn if you ordered it back on a regular tape. And it just went right into it. And you should have seen this guy stumbling and bumbling trying to get up in the VCR like stop, stop, stop.

While the kids, me and my friends literally almost died that day laughing. I mean, at a porn being on that bus ride. What an idiot. It was unbelievable. Mr. Mancini, Youngstown, Ohio. Never forget. There you are. Mr. Mancini.

Hell yeah. Did everybody pass? Yeah, I've never like, I've almost like got kind of caught a little bit. So like, you know, like texting other comics. And sometimes we send like funny stuff to each other. And this comedian sent me like, it was like a real short clip we'd send, like, funny stuff to each other. This comedian sent me, like, it was, like, a real short clip, but it was, like, with the porno noises. And so I opened it in class, and I didn't know my phone wasn't down,

so it kind of just made the noise, like, real quick. Like, it was really quick. Did you do, like, the old fake cough? Like... Yeah, I did that, and then I just, um, I was like, I don't know whose phone that was in here. But you need to turn that down. You start writing somebody a detention slip for it.

When I grew up, all my teachers were molesting all the kids. Our gym teacher molested four kids. Back in the 1930s. But is there any teachers that you're like, that's definitely. Oh, yeah. There's a couple. There's're like, that's definitely... Oh, yeah. There's a couple. There's a couple that I'm, yeah, for sure. And I try to tell some of my coworkers,

but they think I'm just being judgmental. And I'm like, no. And I think one of the security guards for sure is. Wow. Whoa. He'll come get a student. He'll come get her out of class. He's like, oh, I need to take her to the office or whatever.

Security guard? He's always riding with her on his cart and everything it's like yeah i'm pretty i'm pretty sure i mean i can't prove it but homeschool i'm pretty sure we're gonna find out what happens in the court case since you just said it right uh jeremiah walkins the greatest life lesson I ever learned was my teacher spit tobacco in my mouth, punched me in the nose, walked away and said life is hard. And that was the last day I saw my father. It's a great story.

Jerome, it was a very, very, very hilarious set. I hope you'll come back and hang out with us again sometime. There he goes. Jerome Tennyson, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter at IsThatOklahoma. MikeFromDetroit.com

at the Jess Wood. Stay Funny Wayne. Wow. I'm sorry we couldn't get through more comedians today, guys, but these were some amazing interviews we had tonight. The great and powerful Steve Ranazese was with us in the whole thing. Thanks for having me. Make sure you check him out in Charlotte, North Carolina at the Comedy Zone in two weeks

very fun club, very fun guy all that's happening is a new fantasy football podcast coming out this fall check out the 50 episodes up of Hear Me This Book I did one of them Tony's on one of them check that out thank you so much Steve

speaking of guys with great podcasts, Jeremiah Watkins of Jeremiah Wonders. Fame was unbelievable tonight, wasn't he? Everybody wants to race off and leave without paying goddamn respect. Thank you. Listen to Jeremiah Wonders. Malcolm Hatchett was my guest last week.

Steve-O is the guest this week from Jackass. He's going to be with us in Las Vegas, Nevada this Friday. It was my guest last week. Steve-O is the guest this week from Jackass. Yeah. He's going to be with us in Las Vegas, Nevada this Friday. Some tickets still available for that. I can't believe it. I don't know what people in Vegas are doing. Get the combo pack tickets so you can see Kill Tony and then see guys like me and Joel and Malcolm and some other guys be doing some stand-up or whatever, too. Malcolm was supposed to be a surprise, but there you go.

Chrome and Chris, anything out there? Whoops, error. That gosh darn robot. Follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp. How about one more time for the great and powerful Jeremiah Walkins? Stone Cold Killer. Chroma Chris, what's going on? Just follow me on social media, Chroma Chris.

What did you think of tonight's episode, Chris? Tony, it was pretty good tonight. I liked it. It was a good one. There you go. All the personality in the world from Chroma Chris. Joelberg. Joelberg.

Joelberg, say something, you bastard. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we'll be in Vegas. Follow us. Love you guys. Shout out to Ryan J. Ebo. We miss him. He's on Instagram and Twitter at Mostly Sorry.

He said the drummer from one of those Chuck E. Cheese bands. I believe he performs at Chucky Queso. Oh, damn. Vegas, and the five-year anniversary, and all those fun places that we're doing stand-up. Take your For Hems vitamins while going to ZipRecruiter.com and using Kill Tony for everything. Kill Tony's in Michigan are on sale. Get the new shirt.

Get the new Kill Tony shirt, guys. We're going to start bringing them here too so you guys can just buy them here also. You can get them after the show. You can wear them here. Have fun and everything else. Tickets still available for the stand-up shows in San Francisco. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, 17th,

18th, and 19th of May. Thank you so much to this live audience that was here tonight. Thanks for coming out. We love you. We'll see you guys again soon. See you guys. Thank you. A nawr rydych chi'n gweld eich ffwrdd cyntaf Roeddwn i'n meddwl y gallech chi ei ailadrodd O ran un neu ddwy

Pwy byddai'n ddiddorol i chi Mae'r pethau'n ffwrdd This is me