KILL TONY - KILL TONY #265 (VEGAS)

Episode Date: May 14, 2018

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 05/11/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony live from Vegas go to our website DeathSquad.tv for all the past episodes of Kill Tony and everything that we do here at Death Squad including video portions to all the shows you can also click on tour dates to see where we're at next

not only do we do the world famous comedy store every Monday at 8pm but we're all over the place we're going to be going to Indiana Michigan, a bunch of places, San Francisco. So just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, Tony has a website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you can find all the information the Golden Pony has on there.

He has his own tour dates, and he has a bunch of other stuff. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. And he has the Kill Tony book, which is really awesome. It has a collection of every episode he's drawn up to that date of that book. It's pretty sweet.

Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv, where the new Kill Tony shirt number two is up for pre-order. There's also some bunch of Death Squad merchandise. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now, here's a brand new episode live from Vegas, Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rampant coming to you live from Las Vegas, Nevada for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up there, Tony. It's clear.

What the fuck? What is up, Las Vegas? Listen to that shit. Are you guys ready for this or what? Fuck. Yeah. Holy Listen to that shit. Are you guys ready for this or what? Fuck. Yeah. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Feels good in here. Yeah, it's all that cigarette smoke. Fuck. Yeah. Fucking vitamin nothing. I love it. I am so fucking excited about tonight's show. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

I know it. Let's just hear it one more time. You guys ready to have a great fucking night tonight or what? Just a little something for the podcast listeners to hear. How much fun we have on the road. Vegas definitely

showed up tonight. Shout out to all you guys. Way over standing room fucking fire capacity only. We tried to warn the last 40, 50 people at the door, but like, fuck yeah, here we are. Let's do this. This is fucking military strength kill Tony. We're excited

to be here on this lovely Friday night. We have Mother's Day coming around the corner, and you know, it's a great time to get your mom something cool, and you can do that at ftd.com backslash Mother's Day and

do it. Yeah, it's cool if you like flowers. Yeah, get 25% off a florist style bouquet for mom using ftd.com slash Mother's Day. That's Sunday night, Sunday day. Did you already get something for your mom? I already did it. I got ftd.com

for all the females in my family. Thank you very much. All right, there you go. There's the guy that appreciates the ladies in the world. Even the side pieces? Oh, I see what you did there. FTD, we can arrange that. Hey, we got some feedback going on somewhere.

You hear that little whistle up there? Yeah. Make some noise for this badass Irishman you guys have in your sound booth here. It's not Irish? What are you, English? English? Okay, fuck yeah. You acted like you were insulted. I don't know. They're all the same to us. We're goddamn Americans here, you know what I'm saying? Now why don't you work on that feedback before we have a new revolutionary war, motherfucker.

Just kidding. He's giving me the middle finger, by the way, while not fixing the sound in the room. I love it. What a sound guy. He'll just throw the whole thing under the bus. I feel like I'm a Jedi. Yeah, if you make fun of his British heritage, he just turns on you. Sort of better.

Hello, hello. Wow. Look at this guy. WikiLeaks over here. What the fuck? Jesus Christ. Sorry, dude. It ain't happening. You guys got to relax. Hold your goddamn horses.

We are excited about this. Before we do anything else, why don't we bring up our favorite goddamn band in the world. How about that? That sounds about right. Every single episode, they perform

brand new characters. I never know what they're going to do. Sometimes it's someone we've seen in the past. Sometimes it's a brand new character. Las Vegas, make some noise. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Oh, baby, baby,

how was I supposed to know? That something wasn't right. Wow, clearly pigtail little schoolgirl. Wow, look at this shit. Red Band's getting an upskirt. Wow, look at this shit. Redman's getting upskirt. Wow. Look at these two absolutely dirty sluts. Wow.

It's Britney, bitch. Wow. Wow. I didn't realize Britney Spears looked like Anne Frank. No. And what do we have over there? Look at this dirty, bleach blonde Pocahontas slut. How you doing, Joelberg?

Happy to be here, Tony. Jeremiah, what's going on? You excited about this? You better believe it. Wow, you got a little fucking... Yeah wow you got a little fucking yeah you have a little uh thingamajigger there make some noise for red band red band ladies and gentlemen guys we have arrived las vegas nevada kill tony death squad new shirts on pre-sale yeah new kill tony shirts on pre-sale right now at shop squad just came. We pay homage to the comedy

store in it. It's fucking cool. It's got the little marquee light bulbs around it. Yeah, like the old comedy store shirt. Somebody here is wearing a comedy store shirt also. Oh yeah, they were dressed like an actual staff member. It was a little bit creepy. Yeah, it was fucked up. So

we have a bucket. We have a bucket here filled with Las Vegas, Nevada, comedians' names. So I pull a name out. I'm pretty sure you guys might know how this works. If I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds on stage. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't think we can make that sound in Vegas for another few months. Stand strong. Stand strong. Too soon. Too soon. Too soon. Too soon. All right. Let's jump into it. You guys ready to start Kill Tony Las Vegas, Nevada?

Anything can happen, ladies and gentlemen. The bucket is real. We have a real bucket from the dive bar. What a cool fucking venue this is. This is some real fucking roadhouse shit for you podcast listeners. There are people on people, cigarettes smoke in the air. I mean, it is as real as it fucking gets. All right, so here we go. You guys ready for this? I pulled the name out of the bucket. Your first Las Vegas, Nevada. Perhaps it's a comedian.

Perhaps it's a crazy person. You know it. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Chad Colon. Perhaps. Colon. C-O-L-O-N. Chad. Stairs over here.-O-S. Chad.

Stairs over here. Stairs over here. Stairs over here. Chad, you can take a shortcut. Just go for it, buddy. Hell yeah. Chad Colon, ladies and gentlemen. Now I know where all the scumbags go on a Friday afternoon.

Good to be here, y'all. So I know I may not seem it, but I actually tend to be a bit of a more optimistic type. I like to, you know, go with the flow of things, try to keep things as positive as possible. Unfortunately, not everyone's on the same page. That's why my neighbors annoy me. In fairness, they're going through a lot of shit right now. They have an eight-year-old son just passed, and they just had to bury him. I understand that. I'm not a dick. I feel sad for them.

But at the same time, I don't want to be focused on the negatives, like how he died or the fact that he's dead. I'd rather be focused on the positives, like how great my lawyers were. My ex-girlfriend used to like to give diet and nutrition advice, and it was fucking annoying. It's like, okay, sweetie, I know you think like to give diet and nutrition advice And it was fucking annoying It's like, okay, sweetie I know you think you know about diet and exercise But don't you think that if you did

You probably would have had a fucking miscarriage Wow, alright Chad Chad Colon Wow, alright Where do we begin? A lot of that was very serious there Chad Cologne. Wow. All right. Where do we begin? A lot of that was very serious there. So the miscarriage thing, is that true?

You'd have to read it back to me. I'd have to read it back to you what I just said? So you want me to say what I said again? I think it might be true. I'm not sure. I don't really keep tabs on things. Chad, take a breath. You seem...

Everything's just... You just gotta relax. Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth. This is a big round for you right now. Your jacket has a lot more confidence than you do. Just gotta relax, all right? You have the jacket of a fucking stone-cold assassin and the jokes of an actual

assassin. Assassins don't work on jokes very often. I don't know if you know this. Jeremiah? I think he's kind of trying to be Anthony Jezelnik, but he looks like more of an Anthony Turtleneck. Damn. What's up, girl?

Girl's gone wild over here. Oops, I'm dead and I'm dead. Oh, wow. Chad, how long have you been doing stand-up? She just came back after year break, but a year before that, and then I took a year break. Did you say she just came back after a year break? I'm talking in third person. No.

I took a year off, but before that, a year. Then I went to school for a bit and started working on some stuff. Yeah. He took a year off because he was racing a hair. It's a turtleneck joke. Yeah. But it's a muscle shirt. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a second. Take that off. Let's see what's underneath there. Oh, Jesus. Wow. Look at you. Holy shit. That body is...

Why I'm so charming. Oh my god, you're like a pro wrestler. You're like Roman Brains. I'm a huge wrestling fan, so I appreciate that. Wow, yeah, it was an insult. I know. It was Roman Brains, like a smart pro wrestler. That wouldn't be a great pro wrestler.

The guy that specializes in smart shit. I don't know what your diet is, but your body looks a little toxic. Chad, you from Vegas? Yeah. Yeah, you look like a guy that spent a lot of time in places you can smoke inside. What's that tattoo there on your shoulder?

That was my first one I got when I was in the Army. It's Death Before Dishonor. Oh, you worked in the Army? Hell yeah. It's an American hero, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Chad. Thank you, thank you. What'd you do in the Army? I was a rifleman and an interrogator. Wow. Oh, shit.

Where'd you go? I did Afghanistan twice. Did you waterboard anyone? Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, Brian. Jesus. We gotta work our way up to that. My God. Did you kill anybody? Did you waterboard anyone?

Not since I was a kid. We gotta soften him up a little bit. He's a professional interrogator. Did you ever get any terrorists to confess to some crazy shit? Most of it was just stupid bomb stuff. Stupid bomb stuff? Wait, are you talking about the set you just did on stage?

Stupid bomb stuff. Sorry to do that to an American hero. I'm sorry. I feel bad because you were in the Army. You're lucky you're in the Army or I wouldn't feel bad at all. But I don't take back anything. I'm a shitty human being. I deserve everything. Oh, here we go. We have a little audio footage of you back in the army.

Here we go. Yes, a lot of sonar work with the army. We all know their deep sea, the old deep sea army, Brian. Very good. Chad, I love this. What do you do for work? Actually, just starting real estate. I'm retired, so I... Retired? Yeah, I'm retired.

I'm all across the spectrum, up and down. You said you're retired? Yeah. From the military? Yeah, I got wounded, so I got early retirement. Oh, yeah? You got wounded? Oh, what a bitch. Wow. Damn. What happened to you? Can you talk about it?

It was a bunch of small shit, because they just patch you up and send you back out. So I got shrapnel, I got shot here, and brain damage. He's really coming out of his shell. This is just for you, Jeremiah. Wow. This is just for you, Jeremiah.

Wow. She's my terrible pooper. Oh, I saw your string. Your string's hanging out. Oh, there you go. Wow. So, Chad, how's the real estate business going? Are you doing good at it?

What are you selling? I actually just started, so I got hired. I take my exams this week, and then I start selling. I'm not really good at doing things. So you're not a real estate agent yet. Right now, you're just a fake estate agent, basically. It's going to be practice for my fraud that I'm going to commit in a couple years. What's your love life like with a body like that, with a guy that wears muscle shirts like that?

You get a lot of puss? Well, now with all the fucking rules about high schools and shit non-existent, but back in the day it was pretty good. Wait, what? Hit me, baby, one more time. I don't even know what happened there.

Chad, if you had to guess what the thing that is the most interesting about you is, like a little fun fact about Chad, Like, oh, I can juggle and skydive at the same time. Like, what would that thing be? He can fit bugles on all of his fingers. More just... Here, open up to the crowd

a little bit. Let them see you. Come on. Let them soak you in a little bit. Come on. I'm extremely adventurous. I'm a huge adrenaline junkie. I don't know what you just said, but has anyone ever told you that you look like a Mexican Simpsons character? Surprisingly, yeah.

No? Puerto Rican. Oh, that was the first time for everything. Oh, you're Puerto Rican? Same difference, though. Wow. I guess so. All right.

Well, Chad, did I get an answer out of you about the most interesting thing about you? What did you say? Just more that, I guess so. All right. Well, Chad, did I get an answer out of you about the most interesting thing about you? What did you say? Just more that I guess I'm a huge adrenaline junkie. I'm always doing different things to try crazy shit. What the fuck language do you start speaking? Did anybody decipher that? Well, I guess you do. You're singing what the sound guy sings when he gets drunk at the Irish pub.

Another middle finger. This guy just flips the bird more than anybody. I fucking love it. Oh, double bird, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. I'm surprised they know how to do that over in England. You know what I mean? It's my first time meeting a real celebrity.

I'm nervous. What? My first time meeting a celebrity. That's not really Britney Spears. Now I feel better. Oh, shit. Well, Chad, I love that. Did I get an answer out of you?

Who was that miscarriage joke about? Actually, none. I actually use a lot of dark humor. Because I have a lot of fucked up shit that happened in my life. Yeah, of course, we know. You're Puerto Rican. Exactly. So I chew it just to... Because I have a lot of fucked up shit that happened in my life. Yeah, of course, we know. You're Puerto Rican. Exactly.

So I make sure not to, like, have anything that actually reflects off you because I just feel like everyone does that. So kind of just take horrible things that... I already have horrible shit I can start with, build it, go other else, and just build it into something completely different. I don't know what just happened there again, Chad.

Did you get shot in the face at one point? Oh, Brian. Come on, dude. What's going on? All right. Well, Chad, I love the fact that you're doing stand-up comedy. You're a goddamn American hero, so keep working it out. Have fun.

There's an open mic here every Monday at 8, they told me. Chad Colon, ladies and gentlemen. You just met him here right now. Fuck yeah. Chad Colon. Alright. You know what? Why don't we do something a little special?

Do you guys like special things? Okay. Well, how about I present to you to do a brand new minute of stand-up comedy. You know him, you love him as the regular on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Malcolm Hatchet. What's up, Las Vegas?

Yeah. All right, all Vegas? Yeah. Alright, alright, word. I don't know if I should be nervous or excited. I want to be rich, but I want to be hood rich. Like I want a Ferrari, but I don't want the AC to work.

I want a Ferrari that drip oil. Cause every nigga in the hood got a car that drip oil. Like I want to be hood famous too. Like I want to be able to go to the White House and the first thing I ask Trump is hey nigga what's the wifi code?

Trump I really don't fuck with you but nigga what's the code? I want to be hood rich. Like, I want to have an ice cream truck outside my shows with spinners on it selling merchandise. And I want my merchandise to be plain white tees. Because that's some hood shit.

That's some hood shit. Boom. Another one. Malcolm Hatchet. Another brand new minute. How about that? He came with us all the way from LA today. Malcolm Hatchet, everybody. Malcolm, how does it feel to be out here in Vegas? This is Malcolm's first night ever in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Cool stuff, right? Yeah, it feels good because I'm from the hood. I ain't never been nowhere. This shit nice, man. I love it. Well, how did it feel driving in a car with me, Red Band, Jeremiah, and Joel earlier? Now tell the truth.

Well, I sleep in the car, so I was asleep the whole time. But it felt good, man. It was tight. It was tight, man. Hell yeah. There was enough room for you two. Yeah. It was nice. AC was on blast and shit. Tony was honking at trucks. Oh yeah, Tony still does the honking the horn thing.

Him and Jeremiah. You mean successfully does the honking the horn thing. Him and Jeremiah. You mean successfully does the honking the horn thing? It's so embarrassing, though. It really is embarrassing. Brian, what do you think traveling with you is like? People that look at you out the windows and babies start crying in other cars. You're criticizing truck honking?

Jeremiah, do you have anything to say about this? Yeah. You're criticizing truck honking? Jeremiah, you have anything to say about this? Yeah. So, Malcolm, why don't we do something fun and Vegas, would it be okay, you think, if Malcolm just joined

the panel for the rest of the show? His first time ever as a guest on Kill Tony. It's Malcolm Hatchett, everybody. Holy shit. Wow. This guy gets promotions real quick. How does it feel now being over here?

I feel like I made it. Back to the bucket we go, Vegas. Here we go. Anything can happen. Let's see. All right. bucket we go Vegas here we go anything can happen let's see alright here we go put your hands together for Bridget Renee in uninterrupted 60 seconds oh fuck

my life this is surreal if I had IBS I'd be shitting right now and I am a little bit so I'm not gonna turn around hi how are you guys the fucking dive. All right. Yeah, so I'm just going to tell you a little bit about myself. I want to keep it upbeat. My mom was a single mom, and she raised me, and she fucking worked full time, you know, so on the weekend, she'd want to go dancing with her friends, you know, and I remember being like a little girl and being like,

but mom, why can't you stay home with me? You dance all week at Cheetah's. But in her defense, I mean, it was probably hard for her to understand me through all the duct tape. So I don't know about you, but I watch a lot of porn, and I'm just really happy the bush is back. I'm really happy, ladies. Like, get on board.

Like, first of all, I don't feel like my molestation vanity is... Yeah. But I will do a donkey. Wow. You are a wild little one, Bridget Renee. You're a wild little one, Tony Hinchcliffe. Whoa, jeez, relax. Hold on.

Joel Berg, go ahead. She looks like Rebate McIntyre. Oh, yeah. I like that. Wow. I love that. Wow. That may have been the greatest Joel Berg chant I've ever heard. Powerful dive bar.

I like this fucking joint. All right, Bridget, first question. Is that real cougar? I knew I should have done an old lady joke. I'm talking about your skin not your shirt. Bridget, you're adorable. How long have you been on stand-up?

This is my first time on stage in six years. Wow. How long has it been? Six years since you were on a stripper pole. That is awesome. Man. You performed stand-up six years ago? Yeah, I did about ten months. Wow.

There you go. I don't know. I heard him. I was listening to the Rogan podcast. He was talking about massaging assholes. And then towards the end of the podcast, they said you guys were going to be here tonight. And I'm like, I'm fucking going, dude.

Yeah. Have you ever had your asshole massaged? well okay Brian is that an offer? it is I have 10 offers for you at least we have a bucket of vomit in here do you like steak them coupons?

yeah I got some fuck yeah Bridget Do you like Steak'Em coupons? I got some. Fuck yeah. Bridget, what do you do for work? Right now I'm gigging in an oil town in North Dakota. What's gigging? Bartending in a dive bar.

Wow. Yeah. I like your style. I never would have guessed that because you look like you bartend in a dive bar. You are adorable, though. How long have you been in Las Vegas? Since 2013. 2013.

Where are you originally from? St. Louis. St. Louis, Missouri. Misery. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Malcolm, what do you think about this chick?

Nice energy, but you look like you steal from Walmart and try to return it. I see. Can I get my money back? I like you, though. You got good energy. She looks like Tanya Hardee's She looks like Dolly Sharded Oh my god She looks like a really nice lady, guys

You guys need to stop teaming up on her Alright, beware He's trying to massage your butthole later Malcolm Hatchet You look like Lady Lala Can I? No, I got one You look like Lady Lala. Can I? No, I got one. You look like Reese's Heroin

Spoon. That's great. I like that one. Does that mean I'm them? You look like Brittany Murphy now. Wow. Damn. Wow. Damn. Wow.

Man, those Joel Berg chants make this like a fucking... He's obviously in love with me. Hell yeah. Can we hear it? So do you have a full bush? Do you have a full bush? I mean, is that why you're like... Well, I'm getting there.

Why? I like your style, though. You're definitely going no bra. You have like cool, like perky tits, right? Well, obviously I'm an idiot, and I thought you might be fucking nicer to me if You're definitely going no bra. You have cool perky tits. Obviously I'm an idiot and I thought you might be fucking nicer to me if I didn't wear a bra. But that's bullshit. That was a misconception.

You have no idea how mean we would have been had we worn a bra. Jump more. There you go. I didn't know you could milk a cougar. Jump more. There you go. So Bridget, what's your... I didn't know you could milk a cougar. Bridget, you are, for the podcast listeners, you are so cute and charismatic.

What's your love life like? You hook up a lot? It's a bartender at a dive bar? You have somebody you go steady with? I do have a steady. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

That guy's a real goat. You know what I mean? But I used to be a total slut. You were? Yeah. A total slut. Yeah. Can you tell us about one of your likes?

Can you? But let me just tell you before you answer this. The more honest the guest is on this show, the better it is. Now I'm going to ask the question. What's the sluttiest thing that you think you sort of have ever done? What's that dirty fucking shit that just popped into your head first? The brothers. Whoa.

Wow. Were they conjoined? Hell yeah. I thought you said my brothers. Wait, you mean black? Wait, do you mean black dudes or? Yeah, she was hanging out with Malcolm and his friends before the show.

The brothers. You like homeless dudes? You live in a car, right? Hell, that's a house. Oh. Wow. What happens when you put her vulva in your Volvo?

My check engine's like, come on. Fucking roasted. This is awesome. So the brothers, where'd you meet them at? Was that a planned thing? I worked with them. Wow. At a fucking dive bar. Were they security guards or something? No, they were barbacks, busboys.

More like barebacks. When it comes to you, fucking dump that ice right in there. Refill the old stock. You know what I'm talking about? It rhymed with stock. What? It rhymed with stock.

You did two brothers at once. Was one each hole? One of three? What happened? Let me just remind you. Front and back. Let me just remind you. The more honest you are, the better it is.

Front and back. So we mean like vagina, butthole? No, she was a shish kebab. No, no. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. God, I have a little class. You mean mouth and vagina.

Chinese finger cuffs. So yeah, mouth and vagina. Chinese finger cuffs. So yeah, mouth and vagina. I don't know. I'm not going to do anal with two brothers. Really? Why? Yeah, that would be deplorable. Exactly.

That is so hot though. Unprotected, no condoms, right? You guys are just fucking having fun. Wow, that is so hot. though. Unprotected, no condoms, right? You guys are just fucking having fun. Wow, that is so hot. How long ago was that? Two years. Two years. How long have you been going steady with this guy?

A month. What's the kinkiest thing you've done with him in the month? Nothing. He's vanilla. Whoa. So he's not here tonight, huh? No. Wow.

Damn. How vanilla is he? What do you wish he would do to you that he doesn't do? Oh, like tie me up and have his way with me. Damn. How vanilla is he? What do you wish he would do to you that he doesn't do? Oh, like tie me up and have his way with me. Yeah. Yeah. He's like manly about it. Tie you up to some railroad tracks.

If he would have his way with you, he would probably turn you in at a pawn shop for a hotter girlfriend. No, I'm kidding. What are you talking about? No, I'm kidding. What are you talking about? No, I'm kidding. Honestly, Bridget, I think you're one of the hottest Oompa Loompas I've ever seen in my entire life. We got some jumper cables in the car, guys.

I don't even know what that means. So, wow, Bridget, that is fucking adorable. You hooked up with brothers. It's been good. What? It's been good. Yeah. I'm going to feel. Wow. It's been good. What? It's been good. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to feel bad about myself for another month now. What? What'd you say? How about that? My biggest fan over there. What'd you say? Over here. Okay, forget it.

Yeah, exactly. Bridgette. So, well, there you go. There you go. Fun times. Nice to meet you. There she goes. Bridgette Renee.

Pulled out of the bucket. Anything can happen. She's got fucking cute little nipples on her. Alright, now. You can tell that shirt has been through so much that it's sort of hot. It's got little fucking coffee stains on it.

It's been through everything but the wash. The Great Depression. I bet she has an extended labia. Okay, Brian. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Robert Woods. Robert Woods.

All right. So this is also my very first time in Las Vegas. It's not like it is in the pictures. I found that out. Last night I was at the liquor store because we're here to party with some friends and there was a toothless old hobo who started singing Tony Braxton behind us.

It was actually very charming. I'm just throwing that out there. Oh, fuck. So I was like thinking it's going to be very hot down here. We're going to be wearing swimsuits. I wanted to lose some weight. So I read some self-help books

and I learned a few things. Like I'm lazy as fuck. That shit was not gonna happen obviously we have a bunch of overachievers in the fucking crowd all right man so uh drove down my dog was in the car she was freaking out the whole way it was kind of almost as though she knew I was not financially prepared for any sort of calamity whatsoever. She's just looking at me like, really? It's fucking stupid. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Fuck yeah. Robert Woods. There he is. That's me. Wow. Dude, I'm so glad the wizard gave you that courage. Yeah, me too. My god. Man, you too. My god. Man, you look like an unemployed Thundercat.

It is incredible. I mean, you really, really, I mean, I don't even know where to fucking begin with this. I don't know which one you are. The lion, the witch, or the wardrobe. So stupid. You like to play with your hair.

You're sassy, aren't you? It gets in the way. I am a little sassy. Do you twirl it a lot? Do you fuck with it a lot? Yeah, I do. I can tell. I can tell you only like to perform at places

that have fans blowing on the stage. It helps, yeah. Really fuck with it. It helps the ambiance. Wow. Robert, so when you say this is your first time in Las Vegas, where are you from? Prim?

You look like you're the king of Prim. The prime of Prim. The old legend of Prim. Tony, this is whiskey peed. He traveled long and far for that night in Las Vegas. The king of Prim went to no longer be the big fish in the small pond. He put his hair up in a tie,

got in his convertible, and drove away. Fuck yeah. Where you from? Seattle. Oh, okie dokie. That makes sense. Duh.

Would you fly here on free spirit? Man, look, you can't even fucking help yourself. Are you currently inside of a Head & Shoulders commercial? Yeah, they pay me for every toss. By the way, for the podcast listeners listening to this show, he looks exactly like if Ronda Rousey had... Okay, well, I guess...

I guess he looks like Michael Bolton. How did you know that was Michael Bolton? Because I have the eyes of a goddamn eagle, Brian Redman. Okay, so let's get into it. Well, what made you come to Las Vegas? We go on a trip with our friends every year And it's usually San Diego But we just decided Las Vegas is here

Your friends, you mean the rest of the Kings of Leon? No, he means Dorothy, the Tin Man, Toto Scarecrow You got here via the Yellow Brick Road Fuck yeah So you're on your trip from Seattle right now That's correct You got here via the yellow brick road. Fuck yeah. Right, right. So you're on your trip from Seattle right now. That's correct.

And you saw, you listen to Kill Tony sometimes? Very frequently, yeah. Yeah. And you saw that this was all happening at once, and you're like, fuck yeah, I'm going to the dive bar. Did your friends come with you? No. Oh, good. You'll be able to tell them you killed tonight.

Do all your friends have awesome, you know, are all of their characteristics built around their hair as well? No, no, no, not even close. I blow them out of the water. You're the hair guy. Absolutely. You would. You would hair blow them out of the water.

How long do you spend on that thing? What is that? Very little time. No, I don't do anything to it. That's the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard in my life. If you put your hand through it 15 times since I met you, I'm pretty sure you'd do a little something to it.

I'd get out of bed like this. When was the last time you morphed into a wolf? You have more hair conditioning than Vegas has air conditioning it's actually just a really smart does the carpet match the drapes yes so you've never trimmed your pubes

alright good to know alright so Robert did you do stand up in Seattle no no it was my first time ever this is your first time ever doing stand up fuck yeah there you go You stand up in Seattle? No, no. It was my first time ever. This is your first time ever doing stand-up? Fuck yeah. There you go. It was terrible.

You have the mustache of a man that's been doing it 45 years. So it's very exciting for us to see you pop your cherry. Another hand through the hair. By the way, every time he puts his hand through his hair, you should have a sound effect for that. That'd be fucking amazing. Because he just can't even help himself. It's like every fucking ten seconds.

But don't think too much about it. I want to talk with you about other stuff. Okay, Robert? So let's just jump into it. What do you do for work? I'm a claims adjuster for a small insurance company. How small? Pretty small.

We only service five states. Five states. And this insurance company clearly is Geico because you're the caveman. Right? So easy. Even you could do it. Absolutely. So what are some

of the small claims that you're in for? There it is. Yes! I fucking knew it! No, I just do auto claims, you know. That was the old goatee rub for the podcast listeners. So what kind of auto claims?

Like, what's your most recent claim? Oh, dude, it's always people hitting deer. I don't know. He just grazed the bottom of his hair off. He's still touching it, though. He can't help himself. I fucking love it. Whoa.

It just gets in the way a little bit, yeah. Maybe you cut it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, but do you want to do that your whole life? Always be like, oh. Do you want to hear that noise for the rest of your life? Is that magic twinkling? All right.

So your most recent claim, what was that? A deer hit, yeah. A deer hit? All the time. Here in Vegas? Oh, no, you're in Seattle. Actually, we don't service people in Nevada. Oh, the old nose drug.

Nose hair. That was nose hair. Okay. So who hit the deer? The guy that you're defending, or are you defending the deer in this one? We don't defend people, man. We just pay, pay, pay all day. We're going to pay. The guy that you're defending, or are you defending the deer in this one? We don't defend people, man. We just pay, pay, pay all day. We hurt your car, we're going to pay.

It sounds like you're lying. That's true. That's true. I don't even know if I could believe these tales that you're telling. Okay, Robert. So what else have you been doing since you, when did you get into Vegas? Just last night

Just last night, what did you do last night? I know that first night in Vegas is always fun You always do a little more than you thought you were going to do You spend the rest of your time hungover, is that what happened to you? Nah, nah, nah, nah, we went to the liquor store Went to the Mexican grocery store I'd never been to a Mexican grocery store Wow

It was pretty rad Went to the Mexican grocery store. I'd never been to a Mexican grocery store. Wow. It was pretty rad. Pretty rad. A lot of delicious stuff. What did you get from the Mexican grocery store? I got a Mexican turkey sandwich, and it was good. That's just a turkey sandwich, dude. Yeah, quote, unquote. You know what I mean?

It's poor quality turkey sandwich. Can you remind me what is Mexican turkey again? Like what? Oh, it's a – what is Mexican turkey again? Like what? Oh, it's, well, you mean exactly? You want to know the scientific composition of the turkey? Yes, that was the question I was asking. What did it taste like? Dude, it was ridiculously good.

Like carne asada, dude. Wow. So what else do you have planned for your trip here in Vegas? Are you going to do anything crazy? Cirque du Soleil, go to the world's biggest thermometer, anything like that? No, we're just going to walk around, dip in and out of places, and just take a look around.

Go on some rides maybe, the roller coaster or something. Go hit up Fremont, walk around the Weird Art District. You play music? I do, yeah. What, bass player? Guitar and sing. Wow, really? What's the name of your band?

Spicy Tunas. Spicy Tunas? Are you on Spotify? I would have thought it was... Plural Spicy Tunas? Yeah, Spicy Tunas. I would have thought it would have been called The Prisoner of Azkaban.

No, too late. Okay, sure. No, yeah, I get it. That one guy. That big guy that protects the kids all the time. No, that late. Okay, sure. No, yeah, I get it. That one guy. That big guy that protects the kids all the time. No, that's Hagrid. Oh, I thought he looked like Hagrid, too. He looks like another Harry Potter character?

Yeah, the Prisoner of Azkaban. Oh, okay. What kind of music do you guys play? I call it beach pop. It's kind of like a... Is it like yacht rock? Are we looking for this? Yeah. What kind of music do you guys play? I call it beach pop. It's kind of like a surfy, punky. Is it like yacht rock? Are we looking for this?

Yeah. It's like kind of garage rock-y, punk-y, surf-y. Can you give us an example of one of your lyrics? Would you guys like to hear a little verse of the Spicy Tuna? Let's go! Come on, give them a little something. They want to hear it. I don't usually sing this song, but it's like...

Give me a tempo. Well, then do it. Gotta, gotta get up, gotta get out to the water. Gotta feel the warmth of the sunshine on my skin. Fuck yeah. Thank you very much Mal Wow Some people call it beach pop Everybody else calls it unlistenable

Careful Tony You might put him up Oh that's right That's the sound Wow so how long has this spicy tuna been together? A couple years now. I think we're going into our third year, like two and a quarter years now. You guys ever do any live shows or anything like that?

All the time. Anytime we can. In Seattle? Only in Seattle. I heard that Kurt Cobain heard your band and he killed himself again. This is from Seattle. It literally hits close to home. All right, any other fun facts about you, Robert? I don't know.

I was raised Mormon. I ran away from home. Lead with that, dude. For like three hours. You ran away from home? Yeah, for like three hours. And then you just kept running and running And running

And then when I got to the other side I just kept on running And then I had nothing else to do So I figured I'd just keep on running After that You look like both Forrest Gump when he kept running And Lieutenant Dan at the same damn time It is incredible.

And there's Bubba. Prisoner of Azkaban? No, you're not listening. Never mind. Oh, yes. Alright, Robert. Well, it was a pleasure to meet you. Malcolm, anything else for Robert? What do you think about this guy?

You look like Post Malone if he slept in a van. Hell yeah. There he goes, Robert Woods, everybody. On to the next one we go. You guys having fun out there? It's Kill Tony Las Vegas. Anything can happen. It's Robert Woods' first time ever doing stand-up.

Greasiest hands in the business. Ooh, this looks like a really interesting name. I'm excited to see what this person is like. Put your hands together for Spyro Saiavelis. Spyro, Spiro, Saiavelis. Spiro Saiavelis, fuck yeah. There he is. What's up, everybody?

Thank you, thank you. Vegas, man. They got some fucked up strip clubs here in Vegas, let me tell you. I had a friend, she called me one time. She's like, Spiro, let's go to a strip club. I'm like, ah, no, that's not my thing. She goes, but there's gonna be a midget stripper there.

Like, yeah, fuck it, let's go. Let's check this shit out, right? So I come over a couple hours later. My pockets were filled fuck it. Let's go. Let's check this shit out, right? So I come over a couple hours later. My pockets were filled with half dollars ready to go. I figured she'd appreciate that shit, you know? Doesn't get that too often, sir. I walk in. Everyone's doing a chant. Bridget the midget. Bridget the midget. And I'm like, I made a mistake. I made a mistake. I see Bridget. She's climbing up the pole. She looks like a fucking koala climbing up that pole

looking for eucalyptus. And then going down, she looked like Mario at the end of the level when she scurries down the flagpole, you know? Fireworks started going off in the club It was fucking weird guys Thank you I'm Spiro Spiro

Siavelis This is how you do it You are one of my favorite comedians I've ever seen That is also shaped like Brian Redband Exactly You and him have the exact same... Look at that.

You must have played hockey too, right? But you guys have both of those good hips. Hey, if we were to give a hug to each other, we would have to bow a little. I also think you guys would get stuck to each other if I hugged each other. Are you an Audi belly button? What if he was an Audi?

Wow, look at that. And you guys interlock for one. Like an Ikea furniture. I honestly, I didn't recognize him out of his umpire gear. You do look like a home plate umpire. Yeah. Spyro. Yes, sir.

How long have you been doing stand-up? That was a very good set. Thank you. How about one more time for Spyro, everybody? Is that your real name, Spyro? Are you named after the dragon? It's Spiro, so like the vice president for, you know, what's his face? Reagan.

Not Reagan. Nixon. Oh, yeah. We all remember who the vice president for Nixon was. Us Kill Tony fans. He wasn't even sperm yet. That's true. What is that? Greek? Greek.

Yes, sir. Spiro. Spiro. Yes, sir. What does it mean? The Greek god of Cheez-Its. Spiro, how long have you been on stand-up? Stand-up, two years. Improv, about 13 years. 13 years doing improv. All here in Vegas? I started in LA

and now I'm here in Vegas. How long have you been here in Vegas? Eight years. Wow. What made you come out here? I played semi-pro hockey, so I played hockey out here for a while. Get the fuck out of here. You're a goalie. No, defenseman.

You're not a goalie? Nope, defenseman. Wow. Yeah, yeah. I was going to say, you look like you're still wearing your pads. You played semi-pro hockey. Yeah. Born in L.A.

No, born in Chicago, moved to L.A. Thank you, two people. I mean, we all played semi-pro hockey. Do you like it here in Vegas so far? It's not bad. It's got its ups and its downs, just like anywhere else. What's one of your favorite things to do? What do you like to do to have fun here?

You gamble? Gamble a little bit, sports betting, do filmmaking, all that kind of good stuff. What kind of films have you made? Just like short films, comedies, some dramas there just to show some other, you know, some other sides of me. Mostly my free cameras. You ever had two brothers? You could film some crazy pornos around here. That's true.

And I'm just talking about the British guy in the sound booth. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, there's that finger. I know what you do with that dirty finger, dude. Another one. He just kissed it. He tasted it. This guy's out of control.

I love his style. You're fucking rock and roll, dude. How about one more time for the badass fucking 70-year-old in the sound booth? Sorry I keep calling you that, but that's badass. Fucking rock and roll, dude. How about one more time for the badass fucking 70-year-old in the sound booth? Sorry I keep calling you that, but that's badass. That you hang out in a fucking cool-ass rock club with cigarettes, smoke, and shit. I fucking think that's cool. Yeah, exactly.

So, Spiro, what else do you do for fun? Like, you have a girlfriend? Yes, got a girlfriend. How long have you been with her? Four years now. Four years, yeah. Wow. Have you always been built like that?

I mean, the midsection got a little bigger over the years, but yeah, pretty much like this since high school. What do you think caused that? What do you think caused that? Probably hockey. You're in the fucking squatting position the whole game. Yeah, that was it. An athletic sport did it. Athletic sport.

It's not bad. Yeah. You look like you've definitely done some time in the penalty box for icing. And by icing, I mean cake icing. You know what I'm saying? Fuck yeah.

Fat hockey joke. I've never gotten to do one of those, and I thank you for the opportunity. You're welcome. Anytime. How old are you? 30. 30. Yeah. It's going to get worse. I know.

Are you a good fighter? Did you get into a lot of fights in the hockey? I got a couple. I wasn't a fighter, though. We had other guys that did that. Never mind. You were great. Nothing.

Never mind. Oh, shit. Bombing in Las Vegas. Great. Oh, shit. Joel Burke just had a little... Fucking seizure. I'm crazy, Britney.

I'm having a meltdown. Whoa, Britney Spears just shaved her head. Wow. Shit just got real. Spiro, what's another interesting fun fact about you? If you were doing a live interview or something like that. Oh, my God. Live interview is a super fun, fun fact about me.

Yeah, if you had 13 years of improv experience and you were on stage doing an interview in your hometown, the number one live podcast in the world, what would you want to be brought up? Yes, and man, before I dated my girl, I dated a lot of fucking crazy girls. I got a lot of weird fucking stories about that shit. Craziest one. You drive me crazy. Craziest one. You drive me crazy. Craziest one. Shortest,

I was about to fuck a girl and her mom came in wearing lingerie and then made me choose between her or the daughter. No way. Yeah. Or both of them.

She gave me the shot with both of them. Is this Vegas? This was in Vegas. Yeah, this was a couple years ago. Of course it is. What did you do? Well, the girl

didn't seem cool with it so I just stuck with the girl because I wanted to get some. What did you do? Well, the girl didn't seem cool with it, so I just stuck with the girl because I wanted to get some. Bad decision, my friend. I fucked up. Mama knows best, sir. You go for the mom, the girl that seems upset

will just end up eating your ass because she wants to make up for lost ground. You know what I'm saying? Mom works hard for that. Your girl would do shit you've never thought before possible if you fuck her mom. Welcome to the Tony Hinchcliffe School of Love.

We really have no... Yes. It's another day in the classroom of the School of Love. Today we learned a lot, didn't we? Don't ever fuck the girl that you're gonna get to fuck anyway. Because you might

not get to fuck the mom again. This has been another episode of Tony Hinchcliffe's School of Love. Live on Kill Tony. What do you think of Spiro Malcolm? Any thoughts on this guy? Like you said, it was real good, man.

I know you've been doing comedy. Stand up two years. Improv helped you out with how comfortable you are on stage. Thank you. Still got her mom's number. I got her on Facebook. I can link her to you.

Tell her to poke me. There's enough whores in this audience. You don't have to get some mom, right? I don't know. The mom sounds like fucking fun. I want the mom! Malcolm wants the mom. The mom looks like she'd be a regular here,

so that'll get you a picture. There you go. I love it. Can I just say, on a comedy level, I really liked your space work and physicality. I thought it added a lot to the set. Oh, thank you. Appreciate it, man. Fucking space work.

Spiro, it was nice to meet you. Congratulations. Your first appearance ever on Kill Tony. 13 years of improv, a few years of stand-up. There he goes. Spiro Ciavella. A couple people's first time.

Then you got that guy, a fucking veteran of Las Vegas turning down moms and daughters and shit. Real people here. Wow, this looks like an interesting name. Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for

Guttertown Anthony. Oh boy. There he is. What's up everybody? So I get fucking pissed off whenever people can't admit the shit that they like. Like porn mainly. Most people watch fucking porn. Just fucking admit it.

watch fucking porn. Just fucking admit it. So like, I like this one where this guy's making out with this passed out chick who just got like gang banged by like seven midgets. But I admit that I like Snow White. I told my little daughter that and she was like, that's not funny. I was like, well, whatever. You're six. What do you what do you know fuck you see I'm going to hell but you know hell doesn't seem so bad because I've heard people talk about heaven kind of a lot

and I never heard anybody once mention about getting laid and like yeah down in hell there's supposed to be pain and suffering and torture

but the definition of torture kind of changes if your dick's hard am I right thank you definition of torture kind of changes if your dick's hard, am I right? Thank you. There it is. A minute from Guttertown Anthony. Fuck yeah.

Can I just say I was shocked that his set was about born with a name like Guttertown? Well, can I just say, Guttertown Anthony, that you are one of the funniest Kid Rocks roadies that we've ever had on this show. Thank you.

You look like you have lived a full life, and there's still a chance that you might be, like, 32 or 33 or something like that. 32. Are you fucking serious? Wow. Wow. Don't let the Edward James almost physique fucking fool you.

You look like if meth did meth and then smoked crack just for the fuck of it. You know what I mean? Just because it was there. You're like Edward James almost. You look like an angry leprechaun. That is true.

And a devil. I'm not as Irish as Oklahoma John back there, though. He's gone. Fuck it. Wow. There you go. I didn't know meth made a face lotion.

No. They don't. Can't you tell? This is it. So I'm right. You have had a lot of fun in your young life, right? Yeah. Yes, sir.

You want to talk about that at all? Sure, man. Yeah, I grew up in Stockton, California. Hey, I love Stockton. Shout out to our friends the Diaz brothers. 209. The one good thing about Stockton. Or the two good things. Love them.

There's not much to do out there but do drugs and shit like that. So what was your drug of choice? Coke used to be. Yeah. Now I don't really do anything. I smoke weed sometimes. Don't really do anything. So you still do. I mean, I'll do coke if I don't gotta pay anything. I smoke weed sometimes, but... Don't really do anything. So you still do. You still... I mean, I'll do coke if I don't gotta pay for it.

Right. Are you allergic to sunblock? I never go outside, man. I'm this ugly from years past. Wow. Why do you think you have that? Why do you think you have this Daniel Day-Lewis type of a face on a 32-year-old body? Oh, I used to have super acne, man, whenever I was a kid.

Oh, is that what it was? Real bad. I like it. super acne, man, whenever I was a kid. Real bad. I can't afford that shit. Wow. I fucking love it, man. What do you do for work? What gas station do you squeegee cars at? I'm an audio engineer.

What? I'm an audio engineer. Audio engineer. Wow. Yeah. Okay. That makes sense. You look like a semi-pro BMXer. I fucking used to be, man. What do you...

An audio engineer. Where are you audio engineering at? Mostly I do corporate shit now, but it used to be like I'm doing here tomorrow. Oh, really? I do wherever I can shit now, but it used to be like I'm doing here tomorrow. Oh, really? I do wherever I can work at, but corporate is where you get more money, and it's just talking heads. What do you do for fun around Vegas? I'm fucking pretty much done with fun, man.

I'm a writer, so I write shit mostly. What do you write? Suicide notes? No. Not anymore. That was one thing I was never really too good at, never followed through. I don't know. I write short stories, and I used to write for a couple magazines out here. What magazines?

Smash and Vegas Rocks. What's Smash? Smash is like a local what's going on with all the shows and shit like that, festivals. All right. So, I mean, I feel like I'm missing an answer out of you. When you say you don't do anything for fun that you write, I just don't believe it. Well, I write my name, Guttertown Anthony,

because everybody pronounces my last name Gomez. It looks like games with a Z. I don't want anybody to think that it's a fucking lame-ass stage name, and I hate explaining it. Guttertown's not a lame-ass stage name? What the fuck are you talking about? I didn't want anybody to think I had a lame-ass stage name, and I hate explaining it. Gutter Town is my first name. Gutter Town's not a lame-ass stage name? What the fuck are you talking about? I didn't want anybody to think I had a lame-ass stage name, so I changed my last name, Games,

and made my first name Gutter Town. Gutter Town is a cartoon that we're making. Oh, well, there you go. You can check it out on YouTube. We do short films, too. All right, well, there you go. A little plug from Gutter Town Anthony snuck in there.

What part of town do you live in? Shitty part. Northeast. Like Nellis and Sahara right now. Oh, listen to the rumbles.

I had a feeling I'd get a good answer out of that. Listen to that. People just started yelling shit and burning crosses in the middle of the

audience. Wow. What's it like up there? What's your neighborhood like? What are these people all moaning about? Because people get murdered up there. Really? Why?

Drugs? I don't fucking know, man. Yeah, sure you don't know. All right, sure. That's the, says the guy that's probably responsible for all of it. Man, well, how far did you have to travel to get here? How far of a drive is that? 20 minutes.

20 minutes? Really? What kind of car do you have? F-150? Honda Accord Crosstour. Huh. Well, there you go. Man, interesting stuff. No other fun facts about you? You're not like a lightweight pro wrestler or anything like that?

I got four daughters. Whoa! Wow. Same mama or four different mamas? Same mom with three of them and then one's a step. So you're Mexican. I'm a little Mexican, yeah.

You are a little Mexican. A little Mexican, a little Spanish, a little of this, a little of that. I'm an American. How old are your four daughters? 11, 10, 8,

and about to be 6. Wow. 11 and 10, back to back. You just kept cream pie-ing, huh? Look at you, just busting away. Don't pull out.

Wow, I guess so. that's the method if you want four daughters when in doubt don't pull out my god are those all with the same woman yeah except for I got one one step so it's my girlfriend's daughter okay do you secretly hate her which one oh my step no she's cool shit you it seems like you secretly hate her? Which one? Oh, my step? No, she's cool as shit. But it seems like you secretly hate one of your daughters after that answer.

I thought he meant my... Which one? I just assumed he was talking about my ex-wife. I was like, of course, man. Fuck. Wow. All right. Well.

What's the worst thing your ex-wife has done to you? She fucked my drummer. Oh, wow. Oh, Joel Bird my drummer. Whoa. Joel Burt. Joel. Wow. And my dad died and I was in the bathroom crying

and she called me a crybaby. Oh, fuck her. Why would she say that? God damn, she fucked your drummer? Yeah, and he was supposed to be my best friend. I heard he's quite the sex symbol. Maybe in Stockton. Damn.

Oh, I see what I'm doing. There you go. Wow. So how'd you find out that she fucked your drummer? She just told me right when I woke up one day. I woke up and she's like, hey, I got something to tell you. I'm like, oh, it's going to be a great fucking day. She's like, he hit it really good.

He banged it out. Fuck yeah. You just heard a click track going in the other room and then you walked in. Gave her a rim job and a rim shot. She gave him head. Damn. There was a lot to snare at.

They rubbed skins. Oh, jeez. They rubbed skins. His name was Tom. Fuck yeah. What's the name of your band? I don't have a band. Before she fucked your drummer, what was the name of the band?

Sound of War. It's like death metal. Are you serious? What were you in this thing? I sang and played guitar. Can you give us an example? I love somebody who just said shit. They know exactly what's about to happen.

Can you give us an example of some of your heavy metal? Can you guys back him up with a little something crazy? Come on, here he is. Go fuck yourself! That was pretty good. It was screaming and shit like that, man. Wow. Can you give us just a little bit more?

Yeah, do that again. Say go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself! Fuck you, Tony! Yeah. I haven't done that shit in years, man. That's like kinesin. That's like a kinesin vibe.

That shit just scared me. Yeah, it's like scam kinesin. That breakup must have been loud. All right, gutter town. Well, I mean, very fun stuff. Do I ask you how long you've been on stand-up? It's actually my first time trying. First time ever doing stand-up. You were very fun stuff. Do I ask you how long you've been doing stand-up? It's actually my first time trying. First time ever doing stand-up.

You were a fun interview. There he goes. Guttertown Anthony, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter at Guttertown. Instagram, Guttertown Cartoon. Fuck yeah, there he goes. Hell yeah. One of his pimples just popped on stage,

ladies and gentlemen. A little fun fact. Those of you getting pulled out of the bucket, I found out before tonight's show, I made Malcolm a regular your second time, third time on the show, and I found out tonight before the show, smoking out back,

that Malcolm signed up for the bucket for five months every Monday without getting pulled out of the bucket. Isn't that crazy? I was like, whoa! That's such a crazy, cool, Kill Tony fun fact that I wanted to mention it to you guys. It's fucking persistence. Did we talk to you before?

Was there a time that you said hello to us or we had any conversations? No, I had never met him before meeting him on stage. Here's another one. Anything can happen. Put your hands together for Mark Rolo. Whoa. Here he is, right in the front.

Look at this. Mark Rolo, everybody. Alright, what's up, guys? Yeah, I just flew in today from New Orleans. Three-hour flight, you know, so I couldn't spend my whole time masturbating quietly in the laboratory. Anybody travel around here? Alright, work for a traveling company. Everybody asks, hey bro, where's the best place you've ever been? And I tell them, Jerusalem.

I went to the Western Wall. It reminds me of losing my virginity. And I was a little bit confused when I went there. I was feeling shit I'd never felt before. My heart was pumping, and there was a smell of confused when I went there. I was feeling shit I've never felt before. My heart was pumping and there was a smell of blood in the air. That's all I got. Wait, what? What do you mean that's all you got, you son of a bitch? That was 30 seconds.

That's half a minute. Don't give up. Finish it. Do something. Fucking do something, dude. No, don't. Don't, Malcolm. No.

You better do something right now. You better fucking figure it out real quick. You better stop telling yourself you don't know what you're going to do and do something right now. You better say boo. All right. Your time's up. Forget it. Wow.

30 seconds. That is one of the worst performances in the history of the show. Come on, dude. How dare you? You look like, you know, and this hurts because you seem like a competitive guy. Clearly at one point were a professional figure skater and, you know, now what is that? Why only 30 seconds? You did exactly half as much time as you earned.

I got through all my material. I just went a little too quick. The other two people were their first times on stage, and they did a minute. So perhaps maybe when you were preparing this 30 seconds, you left space for laughter? True. Oh.

Shut up. Is your sex game 30 seconds too? 35. Because tonight you are a premature e-hackulator. I like your style, Mark. It was a rough set. How long, this was your second time ever on stage. Where was your first time at?

Two years ago in New Orleans. Two years ago in New Orleans, and you're from New Orleans. I did three minutes in New Orleans. That was three minutes, right. And then you decided, was that, you said two years ago? Yeah. Two years later, comeback tour. Let's do this.

Let's do 60 seconds this time, but you know what? Keep them wanting more. Let's do 30 seconds on a 60 second format. Everything's going to be guns a blazing. Maybe I'll stage dive at the end of it, right? Everything's just going to be perfect. Were you planning on stage diving at some point?

Yeah, why not? All right. So, wow. What do you do for a living? I work for a travel website. You work for a travel website. You're not going to. They don't need the help.

They don't need the help. Wow. I think we might have a. We might have a. It's not that one guy right. The annoying guy. The Trivago guy that everyone wants to murder and choke. No no.

I think that this definitely might be... We might need to throw this guy a line. You know what I mean? Perhaps a... Some cocaine? No. Anyways, so what do you do for the travel website? I manage all the hotels.

You tell people how to crash and burn? Yeah. Tell us a secret. Is there a secret to getting the cheapest hotel room, especially in Vegas? There you go. Book the day of. When you arrive, book the day of. Yeah, on like Hotels Tonight or something like that, right?

Unless there's a big event in town, there's always going to be a room. Right. Unless there's a big event in town like Kill Tony at the dive bar. You know what the fuck I'm talking about? How long have you been working for travel websites for? About six years. Six years? That's a long time. Wow.

You have fun? I've moved around a lot. I've lived in Houston, Michigan, New Orleans. What's fun about New Orleans to you? Drinking. That's it. That's what you're into. What's your drink of choice? What kind of Chardonnay?

I'm a whiskey guy. Whiskey straight. Really? Whiskey straight? Come on, Mark. We all... Alright. Wow. What's your favorite kind of whiskey? Maker's Mark. Maker's Mark. Do you finish the whole

bottle? Or stop halfway through? Boom. Fuck yeah. The English guy's clapping both hands over his head. Fuck yeah. I had a feeling this was going to happen.

Wait, wait, wait. Everybody stop. Hold on. Mark just said something very profound. You just said the words. Can you repeat that for this audience? And look out at them and tell them what you just said. I had a feeling this was going to happen. But you didn't prepare.

So what do you mean? Like it was either going to happen or you weren't going to get pulled out of the bucket. I wrote this on the plane. I actually forgot a joke that I just remembered. So can I you mean? Like it was either going to happen or you weren't going to get pulled out of the bucket. I wrote this on the plane. I actually forgot a joke that I just remembered. So can I tell it? You just remembered a joke? Fuck yeah. 30 more seconds for Mark Rolo, everybody.

This better be the funniest fucking 30 seconds in the history of the show. No, I'm just kidding, Mark. Come on. Let's give him another chance. Mark Rolo. It's the second time ever on stage. So I couldn't jack off in the laboratory for the three-hour flight on the way out here.

So I caught up on a little reading. Caitlyn Jenner's latest book. Anybody read it in here? No, fuck no. Yeah. There was a lot of he said, she said bullshit. I only got about halfway through it. Fuck yeah.

For those of you listening to the podcast, he actually did just stage dive at the end of that joke. He's now on the ground, unconscious. Everybody moved out of the way. Everyone's taking a piss on him. Mark, you're fucking awesome. So what makes you want to do stand-up comedy?

What makes it enticing to you? And why are you only sort of dilly-dabbling in it? I'm just a fan of the show. Oh, cool. I have airline points. And you guys were coming in town anyway? You and your friends were coming in town anyway? No, I have airline points.

I just thought I'd come out for the weekend. Oh, for Kill Tony. I haven't come out to New Orleans yet. So you came here specifically for Kill Tony? Yeah. Oh, that's fucking awesome. Hell yeah. You know what, Mark?

You're one of my favorite performers of the night so far. You know what? You know what? Another 30 seconds on the clock. All right, here we go. 30 more seconds. I don't want it. You know what? Let's try something interesting. seconds on the clock. Here we go. I don't want it.

Let's try something interesting because I want to see if Mark actually can be funny at all. I'm going to do something we've never done before on this show. I'm going to let you read a note that I've taken to myself that I think is actually funny. Let's see. I have to find one first. Welcome back to another episode of

20 Snooks. I want to do one too. Okay. The note is, it's nice to find one first Welcome back to another episode of I want to do one too Okay The note is it's nice to be one of the top Young rising comedians in the world Fuck yeah Way to Fuck yeah It's a branding

Branding infringement right there Okay hold on a second That's not If you read that okay hold on all right let me find it reading your grocery list am i oh come on you did it again mark you read my goddamn grocery list come on everybody yeah mark oh wait here we go okay so um let's see if we can find a decent one here. Okay. Dear Diary.

For you being one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world, this is taking a while, Tony. Yeah. Well, maybe I don't want to do any of the material that we're doing in the stand-up show after this. That's right. Fucking asshole. All right.

Just read that. Okay. Just read that word for word. Okay. Yes, yes. Okay. Go ahead. Don't read it before.

Just read it naturally as you go. You can fucking do it. Got it. OJ supporters are more loyal than any other race. Germans are never like Jews. They deserved it. But if you're really close to a black friend like I am,

they'll tell you that Nicole Brown Simpson was a slut. It's better than what you did. That's a joke that both I wrote and I will never do. Why did he sound like a newscaster reading that? In other news, if you believe in O.J. Simpson. This dude looks like Tom Hartley. All right, let's try it one more time.

Read that one. Read that one in the gray. You killed a new dog? Yeah, in the gray. I speak perfect English. I love immigrants with accents, though. I had an Uber driver that was talking to me. Hold on, hold on.

Mark, can I tell you something? Have you ever watched a comedian be a comedian before? You're reading that like you're literally working at your travel site job. All right? Fucking take some time. Why don't you find a fucking beat in there? before? You're reading that like you're literally working at your travel site job. Fucking take some time. Why don't you find a fucking beat in there? Relax. Breathe. Look at me. What I wrote is great.

All you have to do is fucking take your time. Take it nice and slow. I speak perfect English. I love immigrants with accents, though. One time I had an Uber driver and I was talking to him and I asked

if he had a busy day. He said, yes. Many young people out here believe they're having their, uh, springtime occasions. That was so terrible. That delivery is so bad that it's like DiGiorno. Okay, I feel like a foreigner could have done that better.

It literally did sound like Tam Pham. I speak perfect English. I love immigrants with accents, though. I had an Uber driver I was talking to. I asked if he had a busy day. He said yes. Many young people out. I believe they are having their springtime occasions.

That is something we've never done on this show. That is a perfect example of sometimes it's not even what you say, it's how you say it. Here, good luck reading a Red Band show. There you go. My butthole bleeds every day. It's not a diary. Alright, let me hear my joke.

My flashlight looks at me weird. Alright, come on. We gotta set the stage. Are they really love handles if no one ever touches them? I didn't hear what he said. Okay, let's hear it. What did you say, by the way? I didn't hear what he said.

I said, are they really love handles if no one touches them? Okay, let's continue. Okay, here we go. For you podcast listeners, just to remind you, this is Mark Rolo reading a joke that Red Band just handed him. So I have a black iPhone.

It's not good in water, but it runs faster. Hey, look at that. Good job. Am I improving? Wow. Okay, now Malcolm Hatchet is handing Mark Rolo's phone. Mark, we're basically doing anything to try to make you

funny here tonight. We are spoon-feeding you comedy. Alright, Mark, this we are spoon-feeding you comedy. All right, Mark, this is a big shot for you. Are you ready? We know Malcolm is a guy with a 1,000% basically batting average on this show.

Maybe do it urban, though, you know, because it's an urban joke. All right, I don't know. I don't know if that's the best advice. Malcolm, what do you think? Urban? All right, Mark, here you go. Mark Rolo.

Yo, yo. I steal white people's dogs and i return them when the reward comes out easy money i don't even know what you said but it was good it was funny let me delete this joke no what is? I didn't really understand. I steal white people's dogs and return them when a war comes out. Easy money. Yeah, that's true. Well, how did it feel saying words

and getting laughs on stage tonight? Incredible. You can tell your friends that you fucking killed. You don't have to tell them whose jokes you were reading. Wow. All right, Mark. Well them whose jokes you were reading. Wow. All right, Mark. Well, it was a pleasure to meet you. There you go.

You were on Kill Tony tonight. Let's keep flying through. On to the next one. There he goes, Mark Rolo. You guys having fun out there? Go back to the bucket. Wow. This guy actually signed

up for the show and that's quite incredible. He is the reason why we are here in Las Vegas, Nevada. He is the only real star of the show from Las Vegas, Nevada. He is the only real star of the show from Las Vegas,

Nevada. This is a guy who I know has taken greyhounds to Los Angeles, train rides to Los Angeles, and scarier than all that, he's driven twice with Uncle Ron from Las Vegas. I present to you the one and only Ichabod.

Las Vegas, Nevada's very own pulled out of the bucket the creator of the bucket of destiny in Hollywood, California one of our favorite humans Las Vegas' own Ichabod the undertaker of Kill Tony one more time for Ichabod

and then you take it away. Hell yeah! Who's ready for summer? Huh? In the middle of June, it's right around the corner and it's gonna go up to 130 degrees. And

I'm gonna crawl into my bedroom and I'm gonna crawl into my bed and I'm going to crawl into my bed. I'm going to turn on the TV, turn on the air conditioner. I'm going to watch Big Brother continuously for three months. Yeah. Hell yeah. Head of household, power of veto. I'm going to want names like Evil Dick. Yeah, that's my kind of summer.

I might watch too much Big Brother, though, I might admit. I watch so much Big Brother, I'll go out with my friends, and I'll try to get them to play Big Brother. You know, I'll form an alliance and say, Hey, guys, we need to get rid of Steve. Hey, look at that. Incabod. Isn't this the second time or the third time

he's talked about how much he loves Big Brother? Do you really enjoy that show? Because it doesn't seem like you would. Hold on. Yeah. Yes, you like it. You watch it. Do you re-watch episodes?

No, I watch the live feed, so they call me a super fan. Hell yeah. And then I watch the show, and I think, yeah, I think I'd do well on that show. I'm going to be honest with you, Ichabod. I think that it is absolutely awesome. I know how nervous you get and how much pressure you put on yourself for these shows. And let me just tell you, I can't tell you how cool I think it is. I'm pretty sure you just had, like, the second best set of the night up here.

You know. Ichabod's a badass motherfucker that we met on this show a few years ago. He came to L.A., got pulled out of the bucket, told us he was a big fan, that he traveled with his uncle Ron. We found out that you guys are into a whole bunch of crazy shit, cocaine and fish sticks and a whole bunch of absolutely weird stuff. And for those of you listening to the podcast, Ichabod looks like I would best describe perhaps if death died and then died again and then got a plastic surgery and then got his life together and died four more times.

He looks like he runs the fan club for Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I like that. That was a good show. They had the cat. The guy with 13 years of improv didn't roll with shit as well as Ichabod's doing up here right now. I fucking love this show.

But he has 400 years of improv. Guys, be nice to him. He was in the Marine Corps. Fuck, yeah. Malcolm, you know Ichabod? Is this your first time seeing him? Nah, I met him at the comedy store a few weeks ago. Cool guy.

I thought black people were more scared of ghosts. For those of you that don't know, Ichabod, you run the karaoke show out of here every... Karaoke? No, stand-up show. Oh, you run the stand-up show. We used to do karaoke or something, right?

No. Oh, okay. How long have you run the stand-up show out of here? Did I run a karaoke and totally forget? I haven't done karaoke since the 1500s. Yeah. Go back to Arlington.

We shall worship the king every day. What night of the week is that? Monday. It's Monday night. Every Monday night at 8, right? 8.45, stoner time Hell yeah, do you always do time on those shows? Do you work out a little bit of new stuff yourself?

About once every other month I'm so focused on DJing that I'll just skip a few What are some of your favorite songs to DJ to, Ichabod? I'll start out with Motley Crue, Kickstart My Heart. Wow, look at him. He's a real DJ. He's like a Sir Sick-a-lot.

Wow, they had to kickstart your heart to get you here today, I heard. Now, can I tell you something? I actually heard a rumor, and I want to know if this is true. This is a true story. I have not talked with Ichabod about this earlier in the night, by the way, guys. I'm gonna get real for a second. Someone told me tonight that works here for this venue that's been working with us that

you once actually died and were legally dead and they resuscitated you. You woke up at the hospital and you pulled the IV out of your arm and came here because it was Monday night at 8 and you wanted to do a spot here. Is there any truth to this?

Yeah, absolutely. This is what this guy lives for. This is what this guy dies for. Oh, the British guy shaking his head no. Well, you know what, you son of a bitch? Just because Ichabod wants to chase his dreams,

sorry he's not a little pussy Brit in the box sorry sorry whoa he pointed at me with his index finger that's like oh what's that what does that mean in Britain you're gonna make me a tea or something like that son of a bitch I've never seen a more jolly gargoyle before. Oh, now, Jim, I got the middle finger clean shot. Ichabod, what did they tell you you died from that night? Did you ever find out

why you died? They took me to the hospital. They put the IV in. I woke up. Holy shit. What time is it? Tony, Tony. Schoelberg. He was playing hide and go seek

with the Grim Reaper and he found him. Oh, I had an infection in my jaw. I don't believe it. Yeah. And the infection went to your brain I don't know but that's what the treatment day gave me

if it would have killed you I was hanging out with some friends and I kind of went down flat on my face and passed out and was puking out and then they called they're like are you okay and then they go well our friend I think he just died and then someone had to perform, what,

chest compressions on you. And they had to put their lips on your lips and try to not vomit themselves. They just had to sprinkle a few drops of the blood of the innocent and he arose. No, but I don't know what they give you in the hospital. That stuff was awesome. It's called human blood.

I'm pretty sure what they gave you in the hospital that you're not used to was food and water, Ichabod. You know what caused him almost dying was garlic. Oh, shit. Do people have to invite you into the dive bar so you can walk in every time? Ichabod, out of this entire bucket full of people's names, you got pulled out.

How cool is that? Oh, that's the easy way to do it, man. You never know. This bucket is like the meaning of life, man. You never know when your name might get pulled, so be ready. Yeah, and who knows more about the meaning of life than a guy that died

a few weeks ago? How about one more time for Las Vegas' own Ichabod? We have gone over our time here on Kill Tony, and we have to turn and burn because we have a 9 p.m. stand-up show after this. But what do you guys say? Should we go to the bucket one more time?

Alright. Fuck it. Everybody gets lucky here tonight. These guys signaling too. What the fuck is this guy doing? What is this guy calling plays for the New England Patriots offense right now? Pencil behind your ear.

Get the fuck out. It looks creepy game show host. This fucking out of work magician over here. This fucking. All right. Okay. Red ink. It's on loose leaf paper.

Let's see what happens. Put your hands together for Jay Smith. I'm not seeing any movement. Oh, here he comes. Jay Smith, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. So I've been exercising a lot lately.

But you wouldn't believe how many people were possessed by demons. Wrote that one for you, man. No, seriously, I can't exercise. I just got over some back problems. Went to a doctor. Where the ladies at in here? Where the ladies at in here? All right, well, fuck you then. Anyway, went to the doctor, you know, look for some help, and finally got

the penis reduction surgery. My back's like brand new, you know what I mean? So it's cool, though. Told him to take it down to just slightly above average. So, uh, God damn it. And, uh, he left enough foreskin, you know what I mean? So I don't have to use condoms anymore. I ain't got shit else, man. Thank you. There it is.

A minute from Chase Smith. For you podcast listeners, he, uh, looks like if Uncle Phil got the stomach ring. Lost a bunch of weight. Thanks for making fun of my tumor. Appreciate that. Is that a tumor? No, it's not.

It's not a tumor. Dad, I was going to say it looks like a former. Looks like a baby. Hell yeah. Well, welcome to the show For those of you listening to the podcast He's wearing a shirt that says Henny thing is possible That's right

Jay Smith you didn't come up here with Henny funny jokes No I'm just kidding You were alright I like your style man You seem like you are No, I'm just kidding. You were all right. I like your style, man. You seem like you are... What are you, like a bouncer at Chuck E. Cheese or something like that?

Exactly. I feel like you have a weird job. Am I right? No, you're not. Oh, okay. What do you do? It depends on what you consider weird. Okay, this is the part where he finds out he jerks off clowns for a living.

He's like, oh, totally wrong. I just got fired from that shit, man. I'm an electrician. Oh, an electrician. He looks like most deaf, definitely has warrants. I know, you ain't talking. I've loved it. Oh, shit.

No, I'm just saying, this is the first time I felt sad for trainees, you know what I mean? Whoa. Wait a minute. Get him. I'm not a girl. Not yet a woman. Britney, Britney. That's right, that's right. Wow.

I did love you in Hanson, though, man. You was the shit. Man, you look like a little person who wished to be normal size. Hey. Joelberry will not let you roast Jeremiah. Anything is possible.

You look like the only two reasons you use cargo pockets is for your weed and EBT card. You psychic like a motherfucker, man. You look like a six weenie in a pack of hot dogs. God damn. You look like a motherfucker, man. You psychic. You look like a six weenie in a pack of hot dogs. God damn. You look like you sell fake shoes.

You look like you buy them. Oh! Oh, no, hey, dad. Hey, how you got a phone and brand new Nikes and sleep in a car, man? Your priorities is fucked up, man. Ah, shit. Your hand look like a milk dug. Coming from a guy who has mannequin legs.

You do have, I noticed, you have the ankles of a quadriplegic, sir. What is up with your ankles? Has anyone told you this before? I'll fuck up and then wear pants tonight, you know what I mean? You look like you have... It looks like somebody put human skin over your amputated leg sticks. You look like you're trying to revive members only with that jacket, man. I'm just saying.

But I did love you as an extra on Walking Dead, man. I've never gotten made fun of by a guy sitting on two pogo sticks before. I've never been made fun of a guy that was sitting on one pogo stick. Oh, shit, man. You look like you cry every night. I'll probably go on two tonight.

Your glasses come with Wi-Fi. Let me ask you this, J. Smith. For a guy with no calves, why are you built like a baby cow? That's a good one. Look at his fucking legs. If you're not laughing at that joke, look at this motherfucker's.

He's got no calf muscles. Shit take nests, though. You look like you just took your first steps today. I wasn't as prepared as I thought, man. I ain't gonna lie. You look like a genie and the boy who wished for real legs. I wish I had real legs.

You look like Shignite if he was on Death Row. I don't appreciate that shit. Fuck yeah. Hey, we better... That's what happens when you call me a tranny, bitch. That's what happens when you look like a tranny. Out. That's what happens when you look like a tranny. An out-of-work tranny, guys.

You already lost, boo-boo. You're still... And get teamed up on like you did last night, mama. You better give up, J. Smith. Your jokes also don't have legs. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Hell yeah, you got it, man.

Oh, shit. Well, there he... No, no, no. There. Oh, shit. Well, there he goes then. Son of a bitch. With your sweaty ass nervous palm. I didn't know we had a kindergartner on stage. Nice to... Psych. You like this.

Shut up. That's what you tell the trainees that you have sex with. I got nothing. God damn. You look like a baby Tupac talking about I wonder if heaven got Legos. He about to start crying. I wasn't ready for this.

That must be the half-white side of him. Let's just say he looks like he doesn't TIP. Have you ever gone out in public wearing shorts before? You act like you're shocked about these jokes. You have the legs of a motherfucking table. Look at those fucking... I've never seen anything like it before. The people, by the way, for you listeners,

the people in the first few rows are all hunched over. They cannot even look directly at his legs. There are tears. They are wiping shit away from their faces. Your legs look like the mic stand. I've seen long... Never mind. If you walk fast, you might roll

your ankles. You got high tops and you still look like you can roll an ankle. Your shoes ashy as fuck. So is your upper lip. I wasn't ready for this shit. He about to cry in the car. You look like you cook on the grill every day.

You say you weren't ready for this shit, but you signed up for stand up. I wasn't ready for this shit. Even though you don for stand-up. I wasn't ready for this shit. Even though you don't have the legs to literally stand up. It is unbelievable. It's a goddamn anomaly. I figured you'd fall over. Steel melts or whatever the fuck temperature. I mean, what is going on there?

What's up with the question part? You are built like a motherfucking ice cream cone. Do you know that? It is small at the bottom, and it just keeps getting bigger. That's real big of you, man. Your head is like a spaldum basketball. You're damn right you weren't ready for this. You just got deep roasted.

Jay Smith, ladies and gentlemen. We got to go. There he goes, Jay Smith. Anything is possible. Throw strong ass head out of here. Can't believe he left me hanging. And next time wear some high top socks. Can't believe he left me hanging.

Low ass ankles. You know America's come a long way when the black guy leaves the white guy hanging. You know what I mean? That hurt. That hurt a special part of my soul, Jay Smith. You goddamn no-leg-having motherfucker. He had no legs.

But he had, like, legs. Like, if somebody, like, had their legs amputated, I wouldn't make fun of them as much as I just made fun of him. Like, he does not have an excuse. That is fucking binge-watching television. He could not be on House of Riz. Ladies and gentlemen...

How about one more time for our guest tonight, Malcolm Hatchett, ladies and gentlemen. You can catch him on the stand-up comedy show immediately following this show. I think we have somewhat of an honor system happening.

If you didn't buy tickets for the stand-up show, then either go do it or be honest and get the fuck out of here. But you should have gotten tickets for both shows if you have any brains whatsoever.

We're hanging out here all night. Special thanks to the Dive Bar, Fun Times, Jeremiah Watkins. This is a live podcast. We're all doing stand-up shows this weekend. This will be out real soon. Get your Mother's Day flowers. Jeremiah is going to be featuring all shows in

San Francisco with guest spots by some of the Kill Tony members on different nights. Jeremiah? You can follow me on social media at Jeremiah? You can follow me on social media, at JeremiahStandUp, and I have saxophones, inflatable saxophones, and CDs that I'll be selling outside for donations. Anything you can do, guys.

How about one more time for Joel Bird, Joel Jimenez, huh? Huh? I just made my Instagram public So follow me, I'm mostly sorry Also if you were in XL I might have something for you If you really like me How loud can How loud can this place get

For the podfather of it all Brian Redband ladies and gentlemen Thanks guys I love you guys Stick around for the podfather of it all, Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks, guys. I love you guys. Stick around for the stand-up show. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. This was Kill Tony Las Vegas. Fun from beginning to end. We love you. Good night.

She's so fine She's so fine She's so fine She's so fine We'll be right back.