KILL TONY - KILL TONY #266

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

Bret Ernst, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 05/14/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv. There we have all the past episodes to Kill Tony. Go to our website, DeathSquad.tv. There we have all the past episodes of Kill Tony. You can even watch them in video. Just click on Videos. Also click on Tour Dates, and you can go to see Kill Tony live. We record every Monday at the world-famous Comedy Store at 8 o'clock.

And we're always on the road. We're going to be in San Francisco this Saturday night, but that's sold out, so sorry. But we're going to be in a bunch of places. Just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He has the book that he drew, the poster, the Kill Tony poster.

Awesome stuff. Go to his website, RyanJEbelt.com and buy yourself a print. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have all his tour dates. He's all over the place. That's TonyHinchcliffe.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv.

That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Right now, we've got the new Kill Tony 2 pre-order up. This is your last week to order to guarantee your pre-order. So go to ShopSquad.tv and click on Kill Tony. And you also have some Death Squad shirts and hats there. It's all at ShopSquad. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the real famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hedgway. Hi, everybody. Make some noise here at the number one live podcast in the world. Brian Red Band is here. There's Josh Martin running around. I'm Josh. Ryan J. Ebeld is back drawing tonight's episode.

He's back. The artist of Kill Tony the book and the Kill Tony official posters, all available at ryanjebeld.com. You drew last week's episode even though you were back in Texas, right? And it's sexy. It is awesome. I saw it today. RyanJBelt.com.

Comedians, how are you guys doing? Excited? Nervous? Anything can happen. The great Aphrodite is here. Look at that. Hell yeah. She just blew me a kiss.

I'm pretty pumped about the fun people like Aphrodite that we get to work with here and there. And, you know, it's important to work with good people. Are you hiring? Every business needs great people and a better way to find them. Something better than posting your job online and just praying for the right people to see it. Now there's ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter knew there was a smarter way, so they built a platform that finds the right job candidates for you. ZipRecruiter knew there was a smarter way, so they built a platform that finds the right job candidates for you. ZipRecruiter learns what you're looking for, identifies people with the right experience, and invites them to apply to your job. These invitations have revolutionized how you find your next hire. In fact, 80% of employers who post a job on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site in just one day, Tony.

One day. 24 hours. And ZipRecruiter doesn't stop there like I just did. They even spotlight the strongest applications you receive so you never miss a great match. The right candidates are out there and ZipRecruiter is how you will find them, Tony. Yes, indeed. Maybe I could find somebody that knows how to read. Especially, I think we've read this thing about 80 times together. Somehow it gets a little choppy every time.

But I trust you. We've worked together. Our five-year anniversary of doing this show is coming up June 18th. And trust is important. And businesses of all sizes trust ZipRecruiter for their hiring needs. And right now our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free. That's right, free. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony.

ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. ZipRecruiter, the smartestwaytohire. Hell yeah. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? I love it. Every single week I bring you one of the funniest comedians in the world. Is he ready to start tonight's show or what? I love it. Every single week, I bring you one of the funniest comedians in the world to be a guest on this show. This week's no different.

He's done it before. Everything's booming for him right now because Cobra Kai on YouTube Red is an immediate cult classic and sensation. And we're excited to have him. This is a true comedy store comedian, my favorite type of comedian in the world. I mean, really, a guy that is funny on stage and in the alleyway talking shit and in the parking lot. I mean,

a true, true fucking awesome comedian. A guy that I've always looked up to. Make some noise for the great Brett Ernst, everybody. Come on! Let's do this! No one's gonna ever keep you down. Uh, yeah. He's back. Brett Ernst has

a new special out called Principal's Office. That's at brettcomedy.com. You can watch it directly and his podcast, You're on the List. That's right. Which one's mine? Anyone. Thank you. He's available at all things comedy welcome back Brett

you look better than ever everybody always looks extra good when they have something awesome going on like a hit season of a show out everybody always looks better maybe it's the way you view people no I don't think it's that you have a little glow to you

you have this nice sunan or something like that. What did you do? Anything fun this weekend? No, I was here, man. Oh, yeah, the Mitzi Memorial. Well, I mean, my wife's out of town, so, you know. Uh-oh. Just jerked off like five times.

Yeah, that's what's exciting. All over the house. Yeah, that's what's fun now. Do you use a – let me ask ask you this in this modern age of technology do you use your phone laptop, ipad phone all day let me ask you this is always my favorite question

to ask people when we find out the phone thing do you do like do you have one of those phones that has the tripod thing on it or what do you lean it up and put it on your chest I put the earbuds in just in case phones that has the tripod thing on it? Or what do you lean it up and you put it on your chest? Like, what is your method? I put the earbuds in. Oh, just in case. So that this way, if somebody's

trying to rob the house, they make it all the way to you just slow stroking it in the living room. For those of you that move in with somebody, this is to the fellas here. You know, we're all Macs. You know what I mean? So it's all, like, linked up. I don't know that. I don't know anything about computers.

So I go into the bathroom and I'm using my iPhone and my wife's in the other room on the computer. And all of a sudden, this trail of filth just starts popping up on her computer. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then she's knocking on the door like, what are you doing? And I'm like, nothing. You had airplay on. And I was all hunched over.

And I got caught because it all synced up. Meanwhile, there's clown porn in your iCloud and everybody in the house is freaking out. It's not the worst in having to explain what you were just rubbing one out to your significant other. I've had that happen. Speaking of significant others, Brett,

we have a band that is going to join us tonight. They are the best damn band in the land. Every single week they commit to different characters. I never know what they're going to do. This week's no different. Make some noise for the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. It's the Kill Tony Band, everybody.

Come on, make some noise. You can do better than that. Everything's in place. Getting the whole party started. Oh my god. They are clearly in full mime gear, everybody. Yanking on what appears

to be... My dick. No, that's not your dick. Wow. Look at this. This is well rehearsed. That hurts my dick. Uh oh. Alright, Brian. How you're able to. That hurts my dick. Uh-oh. All right, Brian. How you're able to make that about your dick, I'll never really figure out.

Because it's that. Jeremiah Watkins is here, ladies and gentlemen. There he is. Look at him. Wow. He's in a box. He's in a box. There he is. He described it for you podcast listeners.

I apologize. It appears that they are mimes tonight. Are you going to talk at all? Uh-oh. Wow, this should be a lot of fun. A big shrug and a smile from Jeremiah Watkins. I actually feel like the podcast listeners are going to love this. Yeah, this is an upgrade.

Yeah. Oh, he has a sad face on. Oh is an upgrade. Yeah. He has a sad face on. Very good. Wow. Look at his apples. Clearly they've been through a lot of training. For Chroma Chris, clearly being a mime, nothing is going to change tonight.

Not known for speaking much. This should be right up his alley. And then back here we clearly have some guy robbing a bank in the 1920s. The Hamburglar, ladies and gentlemen, on the drums. Look at this. What's going to happen here? I feel like there's

no way you can stay silent. Yeah, that's impossible. Tony. Whoa. Everybody's got a voice now. You trying to silence us? Alright. Okay. There's a talking mime behind the drums to silence us? All right. Okay. There's a talking mime behind the drums. Goes by the name of Joelberg.

Sometimes people chant his name. He's known for going on streaks of jokes like Bill Goldberg. You know, people chant Goldberg. They chant Joelberg sometimes. And Tony's not. Don't be alarmed. There's always a part on this show now where the guest goes, what are they saying? That's for all the wrestling marks.

Yeah. Wait. What was that? Did you say something? Nope. Alright, so let's get to the show. I have a bucket full of comedians' names. I mean, a ton of sign-ups where anything can happen. I pull your name out

of the bucket. You get 60 seconds of stage time uninterrupted in front of all this big packed live main room your name out of the bucket. You get 60 seconds of stage time uninterrupted in front of all this big pack live main room and the listeners of the show. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Then wrap it up, or else you're going to bring out

the angry West Hollywood bear. That's right. That's what it sounds like. Some jungle birds as well mixed in there. So there you go. And then we talk to you afterwards, try to find out more about you. You get to be interviewed like a real grown-up half-celebrity.

You guys ready to start this show or what? It's Kill Tony. Weeks away from the sold-out five-year anniversary, June 18th, here with Joe Rogan and Dom Herrera. So for you comedians seating is going to be tough but for those of you that can stay quiet during a show maybe you can hide in a

hallway or something. Alright so your first person getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Kenan Floyd. Here we go. Here he is. Someone's coming.

Make way, people. There's a live show going on. Here he goes. Kenan Floyd. Coming in at the same speed as The Undertaker, for those of you wrestling fans out there. How many of you get it?

How often do you get it? Kenan Floyd. Yo, what's up, everybody? How we doing? Happy to be here. I don't have to be because I have a college degree. And I almost got hit by a car earlier. I found out what I'm going to say before I die. Fruity fuck rolls. That's what I'm going to say before I die. Fruity fuck rolls. That's what I'm going to say. I don't know why I'm saying that, but yeah, I'm happy to be here. Got a college degree. Do you know what it's like when your parents stop being proud of you?

You know, because when growing up, my parents, they would compare me to my cousin. You know what I mean? He was bad. I was good. I went to Penn State the same time he went to the state pen. Four years later, I got out with a degree in computer science. He gets out of prison with a master's degree in IT and no student debt. He's making $100,000 a year. He has a beautiful wife and kids in a cul-de-sac somewhere, and I'm telling jokes on the bus. It's messed up. I'm thinking a lot about...

Was that it? Hell yeah, it is. Kenan Floyd. How's it going, man? This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, first time at the Comedy Store. Do I just stand here and talk in this mic? Yes, indeed.

That is how shows work. Is this your first time out in public as well? Behind bars, yes. It's all good. Would you say doors? No, I don't know what I'm saying. Just keep asking questions. I'm good.

Keep asking questions. All right, thank you. I love that. I didn't know what I was going to do. You told me to keep asking questions. All right. Thank you. I love that. I didn't know what I was going to do. It did not tell told me to keep asking questions. Is that your merch that you're wearing? He's got the branding down already.

It is. Follow me on Instagram everybody. There you go. Wow. How long you been on stand up? Eight years. Eight years. Where at? I was doing in central Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, New York, and now here. Wow. How long were you in New York for? I was in New

York for two years. How'd that go for you? I worked at Staples. Did you find that your comedy career was staying pretty stationary? Oh, God. It never really stuck. Well, it's good that... What were the clubs you worked in New York?

Caroline's, LOL, Broadway, and Gotham. But everyone just called you the Staples comedian, right? The Staples comedian. The old Mike Binder. You know what I mean? All right. I really liked your first joke. Is that real that you almost got hit by a car?

Yeah, it just happened just outside just a minute ago. It's a good joke. You kind of said it weird. Like you should say, I almost got hit by a car, and I yelled out, bloopity-bloop. So I guess if I'm going to get hit by a car, that's the sound. Because you said it weird. I said it weird.

Oh, my God. I don't know what just happened there. But you really emphasized that that's what you actually said because I think it got lost. But apparently you didn't live in New York long if you still don't know how to cross the street. How do you almost get hit by a car? I actually got hit by a cab in New York City. Really? Yeah, I don't believe.

Nobody cared, did they? Yeah, I just got up and just went straight to work. I hopped straight to work. Yeah, you still have some of the paint left on your merch. Yeah, yeah, I do. All right, so what do you do for work now? I work at Staples here. You're still a Staples guy.

This guy's tremendous. Wow, I love this. You know how valuable you would have been like 15 years ago when people were stapling the headshots together? Yeah, and I mean it's crazy. You've been working at Staples all this time. Meanwhile, you've had all the access to all the things you need to make a good resume. Post it on ZipRecruiter and take care of business.

You know what I mean? ZipRecruiter, ZipRecruiter. You know what I mean. What is ZipRecruiter again? I think I was in the bathroom. You know exactly what it is. You can try it for free right now by going to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony.

One more time, try it for free. ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. They really spotlight some of the strongest applications. Work at Staples, Dodge Cars. I'm working on my resume right now. What was your degree in?

Computer Science. A.K.A. Staples. A. now. Huh. What was your degree in? Computer science. Oh, man. A.K.A. Staples. A.K.A. Staples. He got his master's in Staples. Wow. Has anything crazy ever happened there? A lot of nervous office workers, you know, people doing last-minute stuff in a hurry.

You're really into Staples. A lot of old people come to Staples to get into fights. Yeah? Like what? Like what's an example of that? What's happened to you? Other than the times the old people come in and just, wait a second, what's the mime doing over here? Oh, he's a fake phone call.

Perfect. I always love it when they do side physical act outs during the serious parts of the show. It's always good. No old person's ever tried to beat me up, but I've seen two old people try to go at it. Especially when it's like an old couple. The older wife will push her older husband to defend her honor for some reason because they're from the Stone Age.

Wow, interesting. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or working at Staples? Say something! Staples is my life Wait, what? Staples is my life I always have something to say

Nobody ever asks me what Come on, there must be other things that you're into Video games, what is it? Do you have a girlfriend? What else is going on in your life? Have you ever huffed keyboard cleaner? That's a good question.

No, but the stuff they use, the air. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah. You have done that, yes. Back to my question. Any hobbies or anything other than stand-up and staples? Come on. There's got to be something.

You can't tell me nothing. Wind surfing. I read books about IBM processors. I don't know. Is that true? Okay. So you've been doing comedy, what did you say, six years? Eight years.

Eight. Oh, God. Ouch. Yes. So how long have you had the T-shirt for? Three. Three. Do you always wear it on stage? No. Laundry day. Yes. So how long have you had the T-shirt for? Three. Three. Do you always wear it on stage?

No. Laundry day. Okay. Do you sell those? No. No. So it's just one of a kind. Just one.

One of a kind. He sells, it's $800. Wow. Keenan. Interesting. Well, I mean, like, if you were going to, if I were to ask you, like, what's a fun fact about Keenan Floyd,. If I were to ask you what's a fun fact about Keenan Floyd, you know what I mean?

Other than hobbies or whatever, since you clearly have none, is there anything, like a crazy childhood or anything interesting along the way? Anything crazy ever happen to you in school? I grew up Jehovah's Witness. Does that count?

Yeah. I guess so.hovah's Witness. Does that count? Yeah. I guess so. I guess so. And I got kicked out. Really? How'd you get kicked out? I got kicked out because I broke one of the rules. It was don't have sex before marriage, and I had sex before marriage.

Whoa. Good for you. Good for you. Hell yeah. Who did you have sex with? Then they exiled him to Staples Yeah Take your red apron and go You have shaved the song

I'm embarrassed to tell this story But I got this far I actually had sex with the woman that She We met off of Facebook And I found out that she was a burn victim She was burnt on her left side. Oh, yes.

Of course, Nookie starts playing for this. Yeah. Burn victim happens. She was burnt on this side of her body. That's hot. Cross that off the bucket list. And so that was it. So where did you meet her at?

Off of Facebook. Off of Facebook. Off of Facebook? Yeah, she took it from this angle, though. Whoa. Man, talk about fucking burnt catfish. I was two-faced. Did she flip a coin to make decisions? Yes.

Wow. Is that real? For real? Yeah, for real. You think I would come up here and tell people I stick my dick in the burnt chick? No. Wow. Was it crunchy?

Was it like potato chippy? Sorry, guys. Oh, my God. Do you know what happened to her? How she got burnt? Yeah, she was in a house fire. Wow. This is awful.

Yeah, it is. No, this is great. We finally found what I was looking for this whole time. It's so rare I get to talk to somebody that, just for his own selfish nut-bustings, will fuck a burn victim. How recent after the fire was it? Jesus, that got a weird groan. Obviously, a lot of former burn victims in the audience tonight just find this hard to hear about. Was it soon after the...

No, it was a few years after, but she was, you know, she still had the crispy... Wow. He actually reverted back and started using words that Red Band influenced him to use, like crispy on that one. Yeah, crispy. It probably was. Think about it. Was it still crispy? It was cool until she wrapped her arm around.

Who made the bed ashier, you or her? All right. Keenan, I think that's about as good as it's going to get with us and you. It was nice to meet you. Nice meeting everyone else. Thank you very much. If anybody wants to buy the $800 shirt off his back, it's Kenan Floyd.

There he goes. He's at KJ Films. Obviously makes movies and stuff or something like that. So that's cool. Wow. All right. Looks like that ashy. Does that usually happen?

It just takes a left like that? I love it. Yeah, you're all right. It's like that ashy. Does that usually happen? It just takes a left like that? No, I love it. Yeah, you're damn right. When I find out the most interesting thing about a person, I delve right in. How often do you get to make a burnt catfish joke? I mean, think about that. He got catfish. I think the ashy joke was strong.

Thank you. I heard that girl was a second-degree black belt. There he is. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Matt Borges. Here we go. Oh, from the audience. These are always fun.

Here we go. Rocking the sig out. Let's get this with over early. Some of you guys might recognize me. Mistakenly thought I was the doorman outside. I don't know. Currently at my job, there's a CSI-level investigation going on because someone took a glove and put it on a stick

and put a middle finger up on it. And it might cost somebody their job. And unfortunately, I'm the one who put that glove on that stick. So I go into work tomorrow, and I'm going to find out if I have a job after that. Worked there 22 years. Don't really like my job much. And it might end over a glove on a stick because someone thought it was intended for them.

What kind of person sees a glove on a stick flipping them off and thinks, that's meant for me? You got to be a serious prick, right? Let me hear a cat. There it is. Hello, Matt. How are you? Pretty good.

How's it going, Tony? You are... Okay. That's like a straight in. Matt, how do you feel? The music is fitting. I feel like you just signed up for the show because you just broke out of prison

and you think nobody will find you here. That's what you're dressed like. It's what you look like. I think he's got a strong Seagal thing going here. I get that a lot. Do you really with the ponytail and the Alpha Justice look? Steven Seagal if he was a barista. May I take your order or not?

I'll kill you. Matt Borges. Is this your first time on the not? I'll kill you. Matt Borges. Is this your first time on the show? Yes, it is. Wow. But I feel like I've seen you a lot here. I come a lot, yeah. The last show I missed was the one with Wee Man and Joel Burke,

but that was the last one I actually missed. Have you always signed up for it? No, this is like my 12th time signing up. Wow. You finally got picked, huh? Finally got picked, yeah. Do you do stand-up other places? First time ever. This is your first time ever on stage. Wow. You finally got picked, huh? Finally got picked, yeah. Did you do stand-up other places?

First time ever. This is your first time ever on stage. Look at that. That is so cool. There he is. The goat of starting comedy. It's something

you've always wanted to do, huh? Kind of, yeah. I mean, when I was a kid, I used to like to tell jokes and stuff, and then listening to podcasts and stuff

made me really want to actually try it. Yeah. Inspiring story. Much like your haircut, quite the tail. It's a ponytail joke for you podcast listeners. He has a shady, long ponytail. How long have you had that thing for? What's the job that you're afraid of losing?

Actually, I'm not really afraid of losing because I hate going to it. What type of forklift do you drive, exactly? I don't drive a forklift. I have done that before at my job, but we bottle milk and juices for a grocery company. Wow. You re-bottle milk? Not re-bottle, just bottle. All right, that makes more sense.

Why does this mime have a New York accent all of a sudden? Oh, I can't be from New York. Sorry, people don't come from New York where Tony's born from. They're only from Ohio. Oh. Matt. There you go.

Matt, do you always dress like you're in a cult about to kill yourself? No. Dude, be careful. He's going to grab this sword. All right. You do seem like a scary guy. Are you trained in any physical arts? No.

Actually, I laugh because a lot of people say that. One time from stage, you actually pointed me out and said, that's a scary looking dude. And you asked me how long it's been since I got out of prison. Wait, say that again? You asked me how many days has it been since I got out of prison. How many days was it? I told you it had been hours.

But is that the truth? No, I've never been to prison. You've never been to prison. Wow. He works with juice. Who goes to prison and works with juice? I was actually thinking of a joke about because of

my ponytails. I just grew this out three years ago. I've never had long hair in my life. Just kind of an experiment. What changed? It kind of... Started getting a lot of fat girls? No, I don't know. I don't know.

That's not even a thing. Just people scared. Yes. More people scared. This is my prediction of Tony Hinchcliffe's next joke. Oh. He's going to look at your setup on your head, and then he's going to go, how long have you been HIV braids positive?

You wouldn't say AIDS positive. You would just say, it would be a different thing. I wouldn't say AIDS positive. You would just say, it would be a different thing. I don't know. Would it, Tony? Jesus. This life's fucking tough. Does your tail ever get in the juice or anything? No, we have to wear hairnets and a

hard hat and all kinds of stuff. Hard hat for juice? For milk. It's ridiculous. Why does this guy re-bottle milk? Can we get back to that? Are they paper containers or plastic? Plastic, the gallon jugs. Wow.

Gallons and half gallons. Damn. Heavy duty stuff. Do you ever steal milk and juice and bring it home? Nah. Never? Come on, man. I don't even drink milk, really. Do mice ever get into the apple juice and you go, hey, we got a mouse in this one.

No. Jesus. No, that only happens in your kitchen, Brian. That's a rat. We used to do paper cartons and they would be chewed up from rats and stuff. Of course, that's natural in any warehouse. Matt, what else do you do for fun? What else are you into?

You have an interesting look for a guy that's never been to prison. Like, what is it? You from like, what are you from? Like about an hour north? Yeah. Really? Like Modesto.

I'm from Reno Valley. Say that again. Reno Valley. Did everybody just hear me nail that again? Last time I did that, it was about two or three months ago, I guess. I've seen you do it before. 45 minutes north. I go, where are you 45 minutes north from here?

And the guy was literally like, that's crazy you say that. He named the city. And people were sending me stuff when that episode came out with the actual estimated distance from the Comedy Store to the city that they said. And it says, you know, driving distance, 45 minutes. And I just did it again. I can literally, I've gotten to the point now. I've watched enough Breaking Bad and gone to Joshua Tree enough times and played Grand Theft Auto enough to know exactly where you're from. Somehow I knew you'd see it on me.

And it's on the northern part of all those maps. So, wow. What did your family do? Were you raised in, like, a trailer? No. No? Single mom in a house. Single mom in a house.

I was going to say single parent. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that would have been my guess. Do you have siblings? I have an older brother and a younger half-brother. What's your older brother do? He actually works for a different grocery company.

Whoa. Rivals, huh? And my mom worked in a grocery store, so. Wow. You guys are a big grocery store family. We went on strike a few years, or it's been a few years now, but the whole family was out. And your dad kidnapped the kids that are missing on the milk cartons?

Matt, what's your love life like? I have a girlfriend. Does she work at the warehouse? No. What did you meet her? I just met her at a club. What kind of clubs do you hang out at? That's what I picture is that song being on.

No, I don't really go to clubs. This was 10 years ago. I met her in a, it was actually like a restaurant, but they had a club at night, you know, in San Bernardino. Whoa, San Bernardino. Fuck yeah. Talking about the bar at Chili's A little lower class A little lower class than that

I think the girl Keenan Floyd had sex with Was from San Bernardino as well B-U-R-N Alright well Matt I guess we're going to keep moving on. It was fun. Thank you.

Good job on your first time. It's good that you popped your cherry. First time ever on stage, guys. Matt Borges. That's how it happens. He popped his cherry pie. Let's keep moving on. Let's meet somebody new.

You guys having fun out there? Damn motherfucking right you are. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Sam Cutter. Sam Cutter. C-U-T-T-E-R. I don't see any movement. Blacklisted.

Sounds like he might actually be a cutter. They're just pointing at some guy. Is Sam Cutter there? He's busy in the bathroom with a razor blade. Alright, put your hands together for Josh Gonzalez. Here we go. Movement. Farthest part of the

actual comedy club. For those of you paying attention, there's 15 empty seats right here next to where the actual show club. For those of you paying attention, there's 15 empty seats right here next to where the actual show is. Here's Josh Gonzalez. Come on, make some noise for Josh, everybody. You can do it. You guys ever look at tongue

piercings and ask yourself, what the fuck, mom? She's only 43, and it's awesome because we get along, but what sucks, sometimes I'll be getting out of the house and she'll be like, you know, and it's really uncomfortable because I don't know how to respond to her. And then once I did it back, and then she said, that's wrong, Josh, you need help, and you know, I didn't know what to do when she told me that, so I just didn't Yeah. So it's what? The fifth month of the year?

Yeah, so... But no, seriously, guys. It's the fifth month. Fuck yeah. Joke of the night so far. Pretty sure it was a complete accident. But that's comedy for you. Fifth month of the year, eh? Yeah. Fuck yeah. But that's comedy for you.

Fifth month of the year, eh? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Dude, your mom's 43? No, I don't know how old she is, actually. Wow, you're just a little... Or what month it is. Josh, I have a question for you. Why do you look like a police sketch?

I don't know. I don't know. Huh. Interesting. How long have you been on stand-up? I don't know I don't know Interesting How long have you been on stand up? I'm like off and on sometimes Because I get like We can tell you were off tonight I don't know

I heard laughs What do you mean off and on? Sometimes I take a break How long is a break? Like a month sometimes How long is on for? Like a month I'm seriously long is on for? Like a month. Okay.

Like, off and on. Like, I'm seriously just trying to figure it out. It's like a diet plan. But, no, I love this shit. I love doing comedy. So how many months that you've been on combined does that equal to? Like, combined, like, maybe six or maybe more. I don't know.

Six years or six months? Months, months. Okay. So you've been doing comedy for six months. Yeah, yeah. Like, I mean, I started when I was, like, 19, 20, but, like, I never took it seriously. And now you're 21. 23, months. Okay. So you've been doing comedy for six months. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I started when I was like 19, 20, but I never took it seriously. And now you're 21. 23.

23. Wow. Never took it serious. So your mom had you when she was 20? What's that? Your mom had you when she was 20? I don't fucking know. He really has no idea.

I'm going to keep pressuring him. We're not going to find out. You close to your mom? Is she even real? I think so, yeah. Because I've never seen anybody just talk about your mother like that.

No, no. With the tongue ring and mocking eating vagine like that. Does your mom really have a tongue ring? Is that true? Is any of this shit true?

No, it's not. I can already tell it's not true. No, it's not true. So you made all that up doing all that? No, I mean, I wrote that.

Yeah, I made that up. So your mom never did that? No. So this is going on, I mean, I wrote that. Yeah, I made that up. So your mom never did that? No. So this is going out of your fucking head. Hold on. Jeremiah, for the podcast listeners, Jeremiah has now gotten up in front of Josh Gonzalez. This is Josh's first time on the show. Jeremiah is in full confidence mode.

Just nothing is happening. Jeremiah has the microphone at his waist. And are you even real? Nothing is happening. Jeremiah has the microphone at his waist and... Are you even real? No, yeah, I'm pretty real. Oh, shit. Josh, what do you do for a living? I work at a law firm.

What do you do for the law firm? I'm like the paralegal's assistant. You're like the paralegal's assistant? Is this another on-again, off-again thing? Is this true? Yes. No. Is this where you learn to tell all your lies from?

No. I think I just like to lie sometimes. No. Are you being honest about that? Why? You see how he just squinted his face? Because the last time Jeremiah spit all over the side as his face.

Anyway. Don't worry about it. Wow. Oh, you've never spit on a face before, Red Band? You're disgusting. No, so yeah, I work at a law firm. No, I got that. So of all the things that you could lie about and make up, why are you doing the tongue-flicking signal to your own mother,

who you don't even clearly know that well? I mean, I do. You don't even know how old you are. Are you close with your mom? Yeah. You talk to her a lot? Yeah, on the phone. Yeah?

Uh-huh. Where does she live? She lives in another state. In another state? Yeah. You talk to her a lot? Yeah, on the phone. Yeah? Where does she live? She lives in another state. In another state? Wow, this is very suspicious. Does the other state rhyme with Mexico?

Do you need to use a calling card for this other state? Gonzales, huh? No, my parents were divorced when I was really young. Is your 43-year-old mother single right now?

Gross. Does she like guys shaped like a coffee mug? What are you talking about? Don't tip me over over here. Oh, Josh Josh So they Are they both Mexican your parents? Yeah

They got divorced? Wow I'm surprised they ever got married Anyway Stupid So do you know why they got divorced? I don't think I don't know Obviously it's very hard for you to talk? I don't think they did. I don't know. Obviously, it's very hard for you to talk about this.

No, I think they just didn't get along. Of course. Are you close with your dad now? Yeah, I'm close with both my parents. All right, cool. It was your fault. What do you think makes your comedy so on again, off again? Why do you think that you come in waves of doing it part-time?

I always find that intriguing, because once I sort of found stand-up, I went all the way in. No, I fucking love it too, but I just want a job. I want to feel stable, I guess. But don't you have a day job? Yeah, but... That keeps your nights open for you to do something? He works at the paralegal office. job. I want to feel stable. But don't you have a day job? Yeah, but... That keeps your nights open

for you to do something. He works at the paralegal office. He's the assistant. Yeah, but it's very inconsistent. They have me... They text me this morning not to show up today or tomorrow, so now I'm like, fuck. Have you ever thought about working at Staples? Yeah, we know a guy. How long have you

worked at this paralegal office? For like a year now. A year? Six months, I'm sorry. Six months and sometimes they just call you and tell you not to come in today and you're not getting paid for the day? Yeah. That's sort of weird. I think it's called being a temp. Yeah, it's a temp job.

So I'm trying to find something where I'll be stable. What are you qualified for? You go to college? You should run for office. Yeah, Office office. Yeah, Office Depot. Hey, tell the Staples kid, you just start hearing gunshots. We don't want no beef.

Josh, so what do you do for fun? What are you into? Well, me and my buddy sometimes do projects, and I think Dude, you're not being interrogated right now. Do projects? What kind of projects do you do?

Like science projects? Like a volcano? The kind you live in? Diorama? I didn't even hear him I actually was just thinking back at this science project that I once did where it was like the dumbest shit ever I had to do it like the night before everybody else had done it for weeks

and I decided to test whether it was like alkaline batteries were better than non-alkaline batteries so my plan of doing it was to just have a flashlight go like one with Duris or one with the alkaline batteries were better than non-alkaline batteries. So my plan of doing it was to just have a flashlight go, like one with Duris or one with alkaline and one without. And it was stupid because I realized halfway through the night that neither one was going to go out through the night,

so I wasn't going to be able to get a real read. So I lied on it, just like you did. Which one did you say? And that brings me full circle back to Josh. Did you have a twist at the end? Like the whole time the non-alcoholic line was better? No, I just lied through it and got a C. That's pretty much it.

I remember just barely getting through it. What kind of projects are you talking about? Just amateur films. Oh, like porn. Sounds like graffiti. No, like, yeah, just amateur films. Like short films? Yeah.

Like what's one of the films about? Some dude who falls in love with his mom. No. No, I really want to go back to that because I feel like I didn't answer that correctly with my mom. No, my parents were divorced and it didn't work out. Wait, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to...

Yeah, you're fine. Don't worry about it... It's weird that you'd rather talk about that than the short film that I gave you a perfect opportunity to plug. Meanwhile, you look at that. So you do short films? How short are the films? Like 15, 20 sometimes. Seconds?

These are Instagram stories that you're making. You're a Viner. You can't tell us what one of the short films was about? It's because the friend I'm kind of working with is just... His name is Harvey Weinstein. There's something going on here, Josh. I don't think we're really going to figure it out here tonight. Sign up.

No, it's too late for this. I'm getting rid of him now. Okay, Josh. It's too late. Take a drink, man. Yeah, take a sip so that you can make it off the stage effectively. I feel bad for the kid. He's all nervous.

Josh, it was nice to meet you. And sign up again, and maybe we'll get more answers out of you next time. Work on your dad set. Okay. There he goes. Josh Gonzalez. Brett Ernst is shaking it. He stands and shakes

everybody's hand like a goddamn gentleman. I like your style. I don't like to touch people. There's nothing worse when somebody sits down and they do that, you know? Yeah.

And I give you the left. Do you ever get the left hand? I do it a lot to people, so I can't really... You do? I can't critique it because I hang out here all the time. The dead fish get the left hand? I do it a lot to people. I can't critique it because I hang out here all the time. The dead fish, the left hand.

Really only here with people that I see all the time. Do I have to shake your hand every night? I know. I think one shake should last a week here. Totally. I agree with that. We're allowed to ignore you for a week. There's too many handshakes. It's this place. The Comedy Store specifically.

You know what I mean? Where you just fucking go everywhere. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like an interesting one. Put your hands together for Saad Alassad. Wow. Oh, hell yeah.

What's up, guys? My name is Saad. I'm from Kuwait. If you don't know where that is, I guess you didn't give a shit about your tax money in 91. Kuwait is a very small country next to Saudi Arabia and Iraq. I meet a lot of people that have no idea where Kuwait is. I'm starting to believe Americans just see the Middle East as one big land of inspiration for Call of Duty maps. Any Middle Easterns in the house tonight, by the way? Two, three, as long as we're under five, you guys are safe. There's two exits.

If you know anything about Middle Eastern culture, parents think you're supposed to be ready for life right out of school. So my mom calls me the other day. She's like, Saad, what are you planning on doing? You just graduated. I'm like, Mom, I think I'm going to go into stand-up. She goes, stand-up? Stand-up where? And I'm like, no, no, no, Mom, stand-up comedy.

She goes, ah, so my son is a clown. I'm like, no, Mom, I'm not a clown. I actually have to prepare and perform. If I do well, I can make a career out of this. She goes, hmm, my son is a clown. And I'm like, Mom, can you show some support? She goes, you know what? You're my only son.

I'll always love you. Here's a joke for you. Two parents love their kid, put him through school. You can go ahead. Hold on. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You can go ahead. I want to hear the rest.

Really? Yeah. Awesome. What's your mom's joke? Yeah, so my mom goes, two parents loved this kid so much put him through school work so hard to make sure he was okay got his degree and now he's a clown

alright got it I like it thank you so much I like it you seem like you're the first person that we pulled out of the bucket so far that's not a little bit bipolar, so this is exciting. You seem completely aware of what's happening. You seem like you sort of have it together.

By the way, the politically correct term is mine. Mine. Not clown. Are you all right with that? He looked a little offended. I am not a clown. All right. Sorry.

All right, you're good. How's it going, Saad? It's going great. I can't complain I mean, I was here for the potluck Didn't get my name called out It's awesome that I'm up here with you guys So thank you for having me

You live in LA? I do How long have you lived here? Nine years Wow Where are you originally from? Kuwait He couldn't wait to hit that one

Well he could wait He could wait It's a Kuwait joke Look at that See that? He's from Kuwait Son of a bitch So to answer your question

I'm from Kuwait Hell yeah So how old were you when you moved over here? 18 Wow that puts you at about 2001 What the fuck? I'm from Kuwait. Hell yeah. Yeah. So how old were you when you moved over here? 18. Wow, that puts you at about 2001. What the fuck? Wait a second. Hold on.

No, I'm kidding. 2001. It's a 9-11 joke. We don't forget, unlike you, obviously. Jesus, this guy. 2001, I'm sorry. Yeah, right. Whatever, dude.

Yeah. Yeah, right. Whatever, dude. Now, Kuwait. Remind me, that's in or near? Can you give us a little? Saudi Arabia and Iraq. It was in the set.

Right. That's where Saddam invaded you guys in 19... Yes, and then America kicked his ass, so thank you guys. Yeah, we did that. We got him out. We did that for you. USA. USA. And you repay us by We did that for you. USA. USA. And you repay us by coming here and bombing on our stage.

It's just not right. Yeah, we appreciate that, by the way. We really do. It's just, sometimes it's too easy, you know what I mean? No, I like his comedy. I think he's going to be blowing up real soon. I agree completely. I think he's one of the top young comics to watch out for at the airport.

Yeah, if you keep it up, you're going to go real Jafar. When it comes to getting booked, he's one of America's most wanted. That's a good one. Hell yeah. I don't think he... In fact, I heard he even has his own pilot working for him right now.

Co-pilot. Less pay. Sure. Anyway, who gives a fuck? As a member of a dark-haired culture, what's your favorite cologne? I don't have a favorite cologne. I don't have a favorite cologne. Are you fucking serious?

Shut the fuck up. You're not real. You are not real. No, I'm serious. They're all flammable. It doesn't matter. Look at this. Look at this.

I could give you some tips. I'd love that. It's Jakar, right? Jakar was in middle school, bro. Yeah, I know. Look at this. I could give you some tips. I'd love that. It's Jakar, right? Jakar was in middle school, bro. Yeah, I know. It's back. See, you don't use cologne. I use cologne.

I just don't have a favorite cologne because I switch them up. Oh. I got different scents. Night scent, day scent, gym scent. Yeah. Fitty scent. What's your go-to scent? You're going out on a date. Come on. You know there's your go-to scent? You know there's a go-to.

I'm Arab, so I guess something with oud for sure. Something heavy and subtle. Oof? What does that mean? That's hell. Okay. Red band. Red band. What's your favorite thing?

Do you ever go back and visit? Every now and then, yeah, but I just made a commitment to stay here full time and pursue what I want to do. I love that. How long have you been doing stand-up? Around six months. This is my first time performing at the Comedy Store. Wow. Wow.

That makes, in that case, I think... Is it okay to be nice to them? Absolutely. Okay. I think you got, I'm not just saying that. You seem pretty comfortable, man. Thank you. I wasn't on the inside.

Keep sticking with it, man. Thank you. I appreciate it. What kind of show is this when the guest asks the host, are we allowed to be nice To the other guests On stage Is that okay

I don't want to break the rules I mean I know We're being douchebags And dicks up here The whole time But I'd like to break The character for a second And tell this guy

He's actually got Some great stage presence And some confidence I think he's going some place Hell yeah I do I think you should Stick with it man

Thank you I appreciate it Yeah Definitely And I also think You should look into some cologne. Know the answer. I'm a little offended. How do you make money? How do you survive?

That's a good question. Oh, well, thank you. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. He owns a poppy seed field. Five-year anniversary coming up in June. I finally asked a good question. Good to know.

Really finally dialed in. I meant to say interesting question. No, I know. I'm just fucking around. I moved here to pursue an education initially and then out of school I went back home, had a job, quit that job, came here, started a YouTube show. I honestly just

use my savings all throughout the year. There's no steady income. There's no financial stability. Not yet, no. So you're running out of money. Pretty much, yeah. And then what are you going to do? I started a small media production company, so we shoot some stuff for other companies,

like social media promotion stuff, web development, stuff like that on the side. So you don't have the income coming in. How do you afford the bottle service at Skybar? Because I'm Arab. You get it. I'm just kidding. No, how do you afford the bottle service at Skybar? I don't get bottle service.

I don't even go to the Skybar. I'm just kidding. All right. Well, I mean, that's interesting. Your favorite thing about America? Just the fact that you can be who you want to be. Because in Kuwait, what? What would

happen if you grabbed a microphone and went out into a busy street? Dude, I almost broke under the table. I know, it's a good one. He gets me sometimes. That one definitely got me. Red band. Jesus Christ. You know

what you did this time. So like, what would get you in trouble out there? Or would you get in trouble? What would you have to be talking about to have a microphone and a speaker where you're from in Kuwait? So you want to know what you want to talk about to get in trouble? Well, yeah, go ahead. Religion. Yeah.

Wow. I performed over there. You know that, right? Anything at all about religion or just bad stuff about religion? I mean, over there, it's like you don't mess with religion. Let me ask you this. I don't know what it's called there, you know, like the priest or whatever

in that religion. It's called a wizard, Tony. They all know that. But do they ever have a sense of humor? Because, like, sometimes here, the priests have a sense of humor. Yeah, but they just... I mean, and I don't mean...

All right. They just don't know that they have it, you know? Huh? They just don't know that they have it. Oh. Are you Muslim or Christian? I grew up Muslim. Muslim. Do people laugh? They just don't know that they have it. They just don't know that they have it. Are you Muslim or Christian? I grew up Muslim. Do people laugh in their houses and stuff?

But is it just religion? Can we just change the topic? I want to make sure that when I fly back, I'm good to go. Let's be honest. You're stopping off midway. They're all just in their huts or whatever. Just being like, I am so miserable all the time over here I do not know what a laugh is Come on, be progressive, Tony

What is this changing accent that keeps happening? You know, Jeremiah draws the best Muhammad Like, he really does Alright I have a hobby Yeah, what is it? like he really does. Alright. I have a hobby. Yeah, what is it? I love that.

You got a pop from the comedian. Smart, Sod. By the way, smart move. Perhaps a note people could take for the future is perhaps something maybe to talk about once in a while, you fucks. I think he means habibi. Go ahead. There's Joel Burke. Joel Burke has risen.

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Whoa, wow. Never mind, you're great. Brown Belt? Tenth Planet? No, no. Cabrinha? He's subconsciously telling you to get away from the religion shit. And to just take it down.

That was a threat. I can sense that. Can you do high kicks or what? No, no. There's no kicks. I'm not interested. I can do mime kicks. You can do what?

Mime kicks. Oh, shit. No, don't do it. Don't do it, Saj. I thought... I want to fucking see it. I will let him kick me in the chest. You ever have to use your jujitsu self-defense-wise?

Anybody ever mess with you or anything like that? Yeah, I mean, there's been a couple of incidents, and, you know... Yeah, why'd you point at me when you said incidents like that? I was like, incidents, like... Oh, all right, like you're presenting something. Like, dinner's ready, like that. All right. So, like, there in the world Like dinner's ready Alright So like what were the incidents You were trying to get into the cockpit of the airplane

And Next thing you know rear naked choke He taps Throw him in coach I was like He hit his head on the Flight attendant helper thing Oh no Please remain seated There's his head on the flight attendant helper thing.

Oh, no. Please remain seated. There's a terrorist on the plane. I was actually waiting for my bottle service at Sky Bar. Somebody sat in his VIP section. This guy's a fast learner, and I like him. Thank you. You've got to be when you can only have enough time for three flight classes before the R.I.

All right, Saad. Well, you know, if there's anything you could say out to perhaps some kid listening out in Kuwait right now. I mean. If you could say it in Kuwaiti, that'd be better. Really? I mean. Did Tony just say Kuwaiti? Kuwaiti. Like the majority of Kuwaitis speak and learn English, so...

Oh. I can say it in English that way. Perfect. Let's hear it in English. No matter where you're from, you don't have to be from Kuwait. Find something that you love doing, do it... I love this kid. ...and just, you know, keep spreading positivity,

because especially during this time, there's a lot of shit going on out there, so... You know, happy words from a man named Sod. Sod Alessa, ladies and gentlemen. There he is. Ooh, he got the hug and the handshake. Thank you. Hell yeah.

Brett and Sod just hugged and there are eyebrow hairs everywhere right now on this stage. Just hugged, and there are eyebrow hairs everywhere right now on the stage. There are just thick hairs flying everywhere. Yeah, I was going to give him some eyebrow waxing tips. We should also thank everyone that came out to Vegas. We had two sold-out shows.

Like, two. Like, 400 people. That's crazy. Yes, it was absolutely insane. Las Vegas, you guys are goddamn savages. That was so much fun. That's crazy. Yes, it was absolutely insane. Las Vegas, you guys are goddamn savages. That was so much fun. The whole band. Did you guys get bottle service? No. No, we didn't. I don't think you're doing that.

Tony almost got in a fight with a punk heavy metal band. No, I didn't almost get in a fight with them. He almost started a fight with me. What? What happened? Because Tony's never wrong. Can we talk about this? See, that would insinuate that I was wrong in this instance, which is hilarious.

No, there was a band that played after me and I made fun of the band because... From stage in front of 200 people. May I say ruthlessly? Well, it's important to note that the audience was there to see me

and not the band. We did learn that when the band went on. Easy pickings, yes. But Tony, they had seven people waiting for them to go on right after us. That's true, and one of the seven people had a big mohawk, and on his way to the restroom

when I was talking with nice people and meeting people and taking pictures with fans he gave me one of those old school like bumping twos. But like I had like a drink in my hand was like really engaged with somebody so whenever he did it like I knew some douche bag bumped into me but I just sort of like you know. And he had a mohawk?

I looked late because I didn't even want it. Sounds like a fucking 80's movie. No it was. Nerd! It was crazy. Here's what really happened, all right? The guy comes over to Tony. He hoists him up against the wall. Tony's lunch money starts falling out of his pocket.

Tony says, I don't want no problems, mister. The bully takes all of the lunch money, spits in Tony's face and says, follow that, you dumb bitch. And Tony goes, I will. Bye. It's true. And Tony couldn't get down because his belt was hanging on that little hook thing. I was stuck on the wall. And then the guy took all the money that he stole from me and went and bought inflatable saxophones from Jeremiah out in the lobby.

Because that's what Jeremiah was doing when the altercation happened. Sometimes he got He blows up inflatable saxophones. This guy was in the meat cooler of the venue blowing up saxophones because he was overheating while blowing up saxophones.

Because he eats so unhealthy that he's in bad shape while blowing up saxophones. Meanwhile, he's taking shots at me. Sometimes you peddle products that you're not proud of because you're not compensated properly on the road.

Oh. Joel, you can relax. I think you're getting paid exactly what you deserve, Jeremiah. Back to the bucket we go. You can make a great neck pillow if you can relax. I think you're getting paid exactly what you deserve, Jeremiah. Back to the bucket we go. You can make a great neck pillow. The saddest thing was that on the way home, he had one that he didn't sell, one of his inflatable saxophones, and he was sleeping on it. I used it. It was nice.

Like I said, they double as pillows. They're great for kids. Cats love them. Make a donation after the show, and maybe I won't have to sell them. Thank you so much. Indeed. Indeed. Put your hands together for your next comedian pulled out of the bucket.

It's been a long time since we've seen this guy. Put your hands together for Brett Banta. Hey. Brett Banta. Am I seeing forward movement? Here we go. Brett Banta. Can I sing forward movement? Here we go. Hi, my name is Brett Banta. Sorry, I was going to the bathroom.

I don't like my face. I like other people's faces. I like my twin brother's face because his face, it comes with a hot wife. My friend told me to stand up. was like brett you gotta look at people you gotta smile you gotta try and connect with the audience you look miserable up there you look angry you know your face looks like you're a default setting for a white guy in madden 2018 You look like a defendant. You look like we're all out of life jackets.

Thank you. Fuck yeah. Brett Banta. Well, you pretty much just said everything I was going to say about you. That's really good, Brett. It's like that scene in 8 Mile. I don't remember there being a scene in 8 Mile with the Trivago guy. Yeah.

I haven't seen it. Trivago guy? You don't know who that son of a bitch is? I haven't seen the. Chivago guy? You don't know who that son of a bitch is? I haven't seen the 8 Mile movie yet. Well, it hasn't been out that long. It wasn't even that funny anyways. Chivago guy should have got a way better laugh. Brett, you've been doing this show a while.

It's been a long time since you've been on, right? Yes, I have. We've known you for a while, though. Can you remind us some of the fun stuff that we've learned about you in the past, some of the fun facts about Bread Banta? I mean, I skateboard, and I just have a twin brother and an abusive mom.

Really? How'd your mom abuse you? Four stepdads. Oh, my mom, she would just, she'd, like, pour water on me and my brother when we were in high school and we were asleep. You sure she wasn't bathing you? Yeah, that's a bath. When we were one, she was the thickest in the sink and put the water on. Did your mom ever used to kickflip you?

So go ahead, wait. Your mom poured water on you? Yeah, she poured water on us, and she made us take Latin, a dead language in high school. We had to take that. Wow. She was an abusive mother. That's Catholic.

Latin. Have you ever used that for anything? You ever speak Latin during anything? Do you still know how to do it? No, I failed. I had to go to summer school and take Spanish. But Latin, I don't know how to say anything. What happens when you fail out of Latin? Do they walk you through the town with a lady ringing a bell saying, shame, shame? Shame, shame, shame. There you go. You got what I said, Brad. How old are you, man? 45.

Say Latin. Yeah. 45. 45? Yeah. Say it Latin. Yeah. Yeah. 45. And how long have you been doing stand-up? This is the beginning of my fifth year doing it. Beginning of your fifth year. Hell yeah.

Yeah. I remember you being on some of those very early episodes of Kill Tony, right? Yeah, it was awesome. Yeah. So what's changed for you in the last five years? What do you have to know? How has Kill Tony changed your life? I've made a lot of good friends, and I'm just trying to get better at

stand-up. I'm just trying to get more comfortable on stage. When I was taking a piss and I heard my name, I panicked because I couldn't wash my hands. I was a little nervous getting up. Ah, fuck. Yeah, so anyone who follows him, lick the mic.

It's not that bad. The three guys before you pretty much shit on stage. I'm trying to just get up more. I started my own comedy show at my house, which I like doing. Oh, you do it at your house. Yeah, I do it at my house. How big is your house? Jeremiah is indicating that it is indeed a good show.

Yeah, I've done it also. Yeah, I do have my house. How big's your house? Jeremiah is indicating that it is indeed a good show. Yeah, I've done it also. Yeah, me too. Wow. That's like a thing. There's like a couple people doing it at the house. Yeah. How do you own a house? How do you have a house? Anybody try to buy a home out here? It's impossible. It's a good question.

It is a good question. How do you have a house? I got a house when I was in my 20s. I got stocks. This guy's smart. Wow. I worked at this place, and that was the one thing I was able to get. You did good.

I got it a long time ago, so my mortgage is really low. I've been doing stand-up for 21 years. I don't even have a house. Good for you. Thank you. Wow. Brett Ernst just had a midlife crisis on stage right now.

I just had a chat. Brett with one T. Yeah, absolutely. No, fist pump. You didn't wash your hands. I never get it right. There's not many of us. I know, there's not one. I always meet people with two T's.

You ever get hurt skateboarding? Yeah, I've broken my leg and arm, and yeah, I've been hurt. You have a girlfriend? No, I don't. I'm still married, so. Oh, you're married. How long have you been married for? I've been married for 18 years.

18 years. We talked about it. Yeah, that's one of the things that I mentioned earlier when I asked you, what do we know about you? Perfect. Good for you, man. And you're from out here? Huh?

You grew up out here? No, I grew up in Texas and Louisiana. I grew up in Rome. Married for 18 years. Are you still banging? That's fucking Latin. No, we haven't been intimate in two years. Oh.

That's half a presidency. Yeah, no, I know. I know that. I'm married, too. I can relate. It's tough. You get friend-zoned by your wife. No, that's what it is.

I think when you have kids, it's so hard to find time to do anything. You kind of lose your privacy. And Netflix and chill really means you just watch Netflix and then fucking chill. You don't really do anything. Have you ever tried role-playing? Dungeon shit? I'd love to. I mean, I like busty nurse type stuff.

I like being a patient, but she won't do that. Wait, what? You want to be? Wait. Hold on. I'd like to be in a patient scenario where I'm a patient and a busty nurse comes on. Busty nurse?

And your wife's the busty nurse? Yeah, but she won't do that. Does she have big boobs? No, but... Just say you're busty, damn it, just say it. I'm so busty. Time for your checkup. I'm so busty. Time for your checkup.

I'm so busty. Big tits. Don't look. Big tits. Yeah, that's, yeah, kind of like that. Here's some Brian looked up busty nurse music, by the way. I can't see you. I'm also blind.

I don't think they have, well, you have sex. Is it a Gregorian chant? It's mechanical. What's going on? It's another fucking Latin joke. Hey, Ed 2? Is this the guy that... Oh, it's you, yeah.

I know. I'm sorry. I'd love to have you guys on my show if you guys would ever do it. You basically say you want to come to his house. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting.

Will there be any busty waitresses walking around? If you're out there, please come to the show. It'd be great. Stop plugging your show. Hold on a second. You think you've ever come close to having sex with your wife in the past two years? Do you guys talk about it?

We're going to marriage counseling and all that. It's tough. It's, yeah, I don't know. Do you ever think about cheating on her? Is there anybody? Yeah, I mean, that's why I'm seeing a therapist. Because, you know, I mean, I like, I went to get checked, like, for like a wedding. I had to go get a tuxedo measurement.

And the lady was measuring me in the tuxedo. And she's like, oh, my God, you have a growth on your pubic area. It was awesome. It was just awesome to, or being on an escalator, like smelling a girl's hair is like... Whoa, whoa. Sound effects

on this. Just get a hooker, man. I know, I know. I know, I'm scared. I'm scared to do it. Sometimes the wind blows and, you know. What escalator were you on where you smelled a girl's hair? On La Cienega in Beverly. La Cienega in Beverly.

I forgot what it's called. The Beverly Center. The Beverly Center. There are a lot of escalators there, and there is a breezeway. I can confirm that. Yeah. I mean, I'm going to therapy for it. For smelling other girls' hair on escalators?

I think just my daughters, I care about them, so I'm kind of trying to stay and be a good dad for now. Which may not be healthy, but... Right. Well, it's definitely not healthy when you're smelling your daughter's hair. Yeah. Well, not my daughter's daughter's girl's on the escalator. Let's just hope your daughters don't listen to podcasts.

How old are they? Eight and eleven. Oh, yeah. They're not listening to this. Yeah. Never mind. There you go. Well, Brett, it was fun to see you again. Thank you so much. Good set. Fun times.

Thank you. There he goes. Brett Banta, ladies and gentlemen. Like a young Rob Lowe Yeah, let's do that A lot of parental issues tonight Yeah, definitely a lot of people A lot of Oedipus shit going on I mean, it's no surprise, a lot of comedians Or people that want to do this are a little bit damaged

Not many of them have the ice cold glare I mean, it's no surprise. A lot of comedians or people that want to do this are a little bit damaged. Not many of them have the ice-cold glare that Brett Banta had in his eyes. I skateboarded with him last week. You hang out with Brett? Yeah. Yeah? You just showed his house? I mean, he has to smell my hair. All right.

So moving on, we have a regular that performs a brand new minute every single week. He writes it. He performs it. And he's a goddamn sensation. Everybody loves him. He's on an absolute kill streak. Let's see what he does this week. Put your hands together for the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet.

Oh, shit. they fighting. What's up, y'all? Black people always go off to jail. They always have a little celebration before they leave. One time my cousin went off to jail. We had a cookout, a baby shower, after party. He came home five days late. Thomas said, how come we didn't clean up?

I said, nigga, you never left the party. He came home five days later. Thomas said, how come we didn't clean up? I said, nigga, you never left the party. Why when black people hear cop signs, they start jogging? Woo-woo. Shit. Woo. I seen an old black lady with a cane. Woo. It locked her old ass up.

She dropped her teeth and shit. I got a homeboy. He mixed. He said, Malcolm, don't trust white people. I said, all right. He said, but give me $20. I'll pay you back. You can trust me.

I said, I can only trust half you, nigga. So I gave him $10. He still ain't pay me back. So I don't trust nobody. You ever get a whooping groan up by your mama and it hurts so bad you was deaf on her? Is that it? No. Go ahead. She beat you and go in the kitchen and cook, you be in the room like

God kill this bitch. And she start coughing, be like nah, wait till the food get ready. Malcolm Hatchet. Fuck yeah, another fun set. I don't know if it was just me, but I didn't quite hear you say when they're going to jail on the first joke. It was a little bit too quick, so I lost it, but I caught it.

On the second thing, is that true when people go to jail? Because they try to take care of everything that's going to happen during their... They don't need to be gone for long. They just come right back. Then I feel like you can almost add more to that, like almost like, you know, there's a baby shower, and you got no baby.

And whatever else is happening in the next five to ten years, or like something, like whatever his sentence is, you know, you can figure out the wording on it, but make it more like real, if that makes sense. You from down south? Yeah, I'm from North Carolina. Okay.

What part? Winston-Salem. Okay. I lived at Hickory for you. Oh, Hickory. There you go. They're known for all their seals out there in North Carolina. There you go.

All right. Well, Malcolm, how's life going? You were in Vegas with us. We shocked Las Vegas. That was his first time in Vegas. Yeah. He had his first night ever in Vegas. We shocked the audience there.

One of the fun things we do with these road shows is, you know, try to coincide surprises and fun things. And that was a lot of fun. He did a new 60 Seconds there and then joined the panel for the first time. And so how's life going? You got a new car. Yeah, a new house. Yeah. Did we talk about that last week? Did that happen since last Monday? This guy owns a fucking home too. Yeah.

That was since Monday, right? You got a new Volvo. Yeah, I don't think we talked about it last time. Yeah, the great Kill Tony fans, you reached out and they raised much more than enough money for even your goal to get you a new car. So what's it like? Oh, it's cool.

You're coming 92 Ford Taurus, 2002 Volvo. I got AC, man. Yeah. Wow. That shit still on outside. You just leave it on when you're gone like a real house. I get it. I be like, ooh.

That's fun. What else is going on? Everything else good in life? Oh, yeah, everything good. My girl broke up with me. Oh. Sorry, Miss Hatchet. Uh-oh.

There's a stampede of comedian's legs opening in the corner over there. Oh, shit. Even Aphrodite over here. Wow. Look at that. Hey, Tony. Showing her butthole. Tony, I'm pretty sure every female in this room just laid down.

And turned around. Shoulder. So, wow. This is crazy. And, you know, all the time that I've known you so far, you seem like you've always been pretty loyal to that chick. Yeah, I be loyal, but then I still be pimping. Oh, shit. Wow.

I don't even know what that is. Oh, okay. It's all good, though. I ain't about to cry no shit, you know. Right. Is she crazy? By the way, that's the exact phrase that black people say right before they start crying.

I ain't about to cry no shit. Were you surprised when she told you that? Nah, because we always be breaking up. She lives in North Carolina, for those of you that don't know. How long were you guys together for? It was about to be three years. Wow. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

North Carolina. No, how old are you? 24. Nickelodeon. You don't need that shit, man. And so you're talking the other day on the phone, right? And what happens all of a sudden? It was cool because, well, I knew it was over because I gave her some fresh shirts when I was back home.

And she made me a Snapchat, throwing it in the bag. I was like, yep, she wrinkling them shits because they always aren't. So I just knew she broke up with me. She was getting rid of my shirts. She was like, I'm going to take them to your mama's house. I was like, don't do that shit because then she's going to be my ass for giving me her clothes away. She's broke up with you at the wrong time. No, you just got a car and shit?

Yeah. No, I got AC. No, you don't need that shit in your life, man. Are you staying out here permanently, right? Yeah, I'm going to go home. Move on. Close the book. Well, that's exciting. Have you already hooked up with somebody yet?

Nah, but they just handed the pussy to me. Really? I was in Ralph's, and white girl was like, here, I love you. I was like, I love you too, man. Man, so what's gonna happen? That Volvo's just gonna be the pussy train, huh? He ready.

Hold my alignment ready. Man. That's interesting. But yeah, I ain't tripping. So you're single, new car, signed by a big agent, manager. New deodorant, all that shit. I done stepped up.

Unbelievable. Performed in Vegas. What a fun story. Yeah, Vegas was nice. Tony had gave me like $50 to gamble. I went right to the hotel room and went to sleep. It's true. He showed me the $50 bill tonight before the show started.

He goes, I still got that. He gave me $50 to walk away. That is so funny. I'm like, here, it's your first time in Vegas. Go have some fun, man. I said, it is. I'm going to bed. And he didn't have to sell one inflatable saxophone.

Dude, he just slipped your 50 Mowing down the house Shooting everybody The mime is I love this get up You always have the coolest style And this is all thrift store I love it

Thank you Wow the ladies are just howling. Aphrodite over here. She hasn't been wet since the 60s. That sounds like a lake. Well, Malcolm, I just can't tell you how exciting it is to have you part of this show every week and how many people you're inspiring and how fun it is. You're the real deal.

There he is, Malcolm Hatchett, ladies and gentlemen. You can the real deal. There he is, Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen. You can clap for Malcolm. The chess king. This is a real story you guys are in with this Malcolm Hatchet situation. Oh, I can't wait to hear. American Idol and America's Got Talent, all those things. What's crazy is that they're all pre-screened through the roof.

You know what I mean? Like, a lot of screening. It's not very real at all. Whereas this Malcolm situation is a very legitimate. I can't wait to hear his dating every week. Yeah, exactly. That's going to be the new thing. How many chubby white girls he's taken.

Back to the bucket we go. Put your hands together for Sarah Lawrence. Sarah Lawrence standing up on what appears to be a table. Now she's down. She's got a good steady pace. One more time for Sarah Lawrence, everybody. You can't say retarded anymore. Correct word is vaccinated.

My friend went on a date. I'm fucking puffed out. My friend went on a date with a guy the other night, and at the end of the date, she said they went to go and have sex, but they couldn't because his dick was too big. And I was like, what is this number? Because I'm always up for a challenge.

My friend is a dwarf, and he posted his workout program on Instagram the other day. And I scrolled down to the caption, and it said, You know, recently I've always been pushing myself to grow. He's a dwarf. it's a dwarf there's no time for another one oh people come up to me on the street and they tell me that I'm really tall do you know what I say to those people

what gave it away fuck yeah wow Fuck yeah. Wow. I love that moment where you forgot your next joke and you thought you could change time. That's 60 seconds. And the clock said, no it is not. There you are. Nice to meet you.

First time on the show, right? Yes. Hell yeah. How's life? Pretty good, yeah. What's that accent? Australian. Australian. Hell yeah. How long have you been in America?

I've been here for four years. What brought you here? I'm a bit of a soldier of fortune, so I just kind of go where the money is or whatever, but I was trying to get to America for like ten years, so I was only able to finally get here when I moved to Dubai and then made money in Dubai and then could finally get here. How did you make it? Jeez, I didn't even get the question out.

How did you make money in Dubai? I was DJing in Dubai. All right, that's fun. I love it. So you're DJing at a bar in Dubai. Yeah. Where alcohol is illegal, right? It's a weird thing.

So technically, you're not allowed to drink, but everywhere sells alcohol. But if you're a resident, you have to buy an alcohol license. Whoa. And then if you walk... I forgot when I first moved there, and I walked out to ask a policeman for a breathalyzer to see if I was okay to drive home.

And he was like, oh, have you been drinking? And I was like, oh, no. And then I just ran away. No, you can't drive home because you're a woman. Man. By the way, 15 years minimum for smoking weed there. Really? Absolutely.

You get put in prison for 15 years? Yeah, my friend had weed in her wallet and it wasn't hers. And then she went to jail and she was in there for nine months and they even blood tested her and stuff and she didn't have any weed in her system and she was still stuck in jail because you're guilty

until proven innocent. Why Dubai? Mostly hot chicks that go to Dubai make their money other ways than DJs. What made you so terribly one two put a set of headphones on and make Middle Eastern people dance well I was in London and I got an email

and they said do you want to go to Dubai and I was like well I can't pay my rent here so yeah fuck it I'll just go to and you made really good money yeah I made like should I say I made like 80 grand in six months and that's money not roses. What kind of music

did you find out that they liked a lot? Oh, they're a bit Alright, Joel. They're a bit behind over there. They like a lot of like commercial and like R&B and stuff but I play house. So like what type of stuff would really get them going? Can you give us an example of a song that you would play

if you really wanted to, you know? I... No, no, no. Brian, Brian. Okay, we get it, Brian. Go ahead. You wouldn't know. I don't play the stuff that they want to listen to. I'm like one of those dickheads who won't play what the crowd wants and will only play what I want to play.

So what do you play? I play like Deep House, like Underground House and stuff like that. Whereas they want to hear the stuff that's on the radio, which is kind of what you guys like over here as well. And EDM which is fucking terrible. Whoa, what do you mean, you guys? My taste in music is terrible.

The mime types. So what do you do now that you're here in America? I have my own company. Really? Yeah. Are you the head of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee? What? Hey, that shit killed in third grade, and it kills now. You're damn right. You are damn right about that.

I know you are, but what am I? I am wearing a sports bra. I sometimes genuinely hate this show, and right now is one of those moments. Sorry. That was ridiculous. Sorry you and her look exactly the same. You fucking

dork. Oh, I really hate this moment where we're so mean. Catch me in the wave on Roast Battle, Comedy Central, whatever. Alright, new season wave on Roast Battle, Comedy Central, whatever. All right. New season, July, bitch. Yeah. New season. You mean new two episodes. There's not really a season of that fucking

show. Keep dreaming. All right, Tony. Okay. It's your show. I'll concede. Back to you, my friend. Yeah, all right. Yeah, yeah. I'll let you host your show. All right. Go back to calling our small pits and stuff. Let's have a good time. Thank you, buddy. Really good. All right. No, I love you so much. Congratulations on your great show. Thank you. No, indeed, it is. Oh, no, no, good. I love you so much. Congratulations on your great show. Thank you.

No, indeed it is. No, no, no. I can't wait. Five-year anniversary next month. Wow, look. Only three weeks as band leader. He's already got a case of the Patty Reagans. Look at this, everybody.

Wow. Let that power get right up there, huh? Force of truth. Yikums and shmikums. Okay, yeah. Gang up with Red Band on sound effects against me. Sure. All right.

Sounds great. Fantastic. I'm going to go get one of my inflatable saxophones and kill myself. Great. All right. What is the company that you run? It's called Cali Craft Cocktails. Cali Craft Cocktails.

And what makes your cocktails so different? So we make them fresh on site, whereas other companies, they you don't care. Yeah, I do. I act like we're a shark tank. You put avocado in it or something? Sometimes, but no. So other companies, they basically make them all before they get there, and then they just kind of

dump them out, but we make them fresh. So if you want it a little bit sweeter, a little bit more sour, then we can do that for you. Wow. I figured the drinks that you would make would be a little bit flat, you know what I mean? What's going on? I'm doing some of my very breast jokes up here, guys, and it seems like everybody's turning on me. Really shallow senses of humor.

I mean, she signed up for this. I have a question about the DJ thing. Yeah. A lot of DJs they do that I play the stuff I like like you're a connoisseur of music do you just play music or do you create music as well

I actually did a music production course about a year ago what the fuck, what don't you do you've got like 20 jobs as an expert in everything do you have like a cool DJ name or anything like that like Puma Thurman or something like that? Chesty McGee. No, I had to change my name.

Busty Nurse? It's Imperial with a three. I am P. Can you scratch? But I had to change it. No, that's R&B. That's not house. No, but I'm saying can you scratch?

Can you scratch? No, I can't. That's different. So it's like house music people, we mix. We overlap songs for like two minutes and make a new track in between, whereas the R&B people, they scratch. The only thing she scratches is those mosquito bites. Oh, my God.

Sarah has her hands on her knees laughing. Joel literally left the stage. Oh, he's back. By R&B, you mean hip-hop, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it's called here in America. Well, we created all of it, including the house music.

Show a little respect. That's true. You have a boyfriend out here? No, I just split up with someone. You flew him out? Oh, I split up. Sorry. We split up.

Yeah, we split up. Wow. What did he do? Oh, fuck. You know, we just won a good match, you know. Huh. Yeah. He owned oil.

I feel like there's more to this story that we're not getting. There's a lot more. That was such a dodgy answer. Yeah. What owned oil. I feel like there's more to this story that we're not getting. There's a lot more. That was such a dodgy answer. Yeah. What did he do? Oh, you know. So we created the company together.

Oh. Never do that. Never do that. Wait, wait. I'm saying you never go into business with your partner because you either come out, like, you hate each other. Now, does he still own half of the business or not? No, he sold his half. 50 bucks, 100 bucks, how much?

Did he sell it for? How much did you make? Do you own the company? Yeah. Wow, so you got it all. So you bought him out. And he obviously got the tits. Okay, I'm done making fun of her small tits.

So if I were to have one of your craft drinks, why would I drink them out of A-cups? Okay, guys, I mean, this is the episode that's going to ruin my career, so I might as this is the episode that's gonna ruin my career So I might as well commit at this point You clearly can't be hired by any of the big networks at this point Tony, you sure as hell wouldn't be drinking them out of jugs God

I hate myself Tony's next joke What kind of batteries do you use for your dildo? Triple A's Hey There you go. I think your tits are perfect. If I only knew somebody that could blow them up a little bit for you.

Hey, Jeremiah, why don't you... How long have you been doing comedy? Since January. Since January? Are you committed to it, or is this just another thing that... Yeah, she is. Her boobs are doing a spot in the belly room right now. Come on, guys.

Well, do you ever stop and think about the mammaries with your boyfriend? Of all the fucking nights. Do you ever watch the show? Do you ever listen to the show? What do you mean? Do you ever listen to the show? Yeah, I mean, I've been here for like every... So you say of all the nights, what are you saying?

Other nights you have bigger boobs? Yes. You guys have sports bra on right now. Yeah, I have a... If I was to, I mean... Oh, I like where this is going. You want to go in the back and take it off? No, Brian, come on.

What are you guys going to show each other your tits? Yeah. I want to see if mine's better. your tits. I want to see if mine's better. I'll show you yours if you show me mine. I bet I have better

areolas. Well, you guys will have to take your sports bras off and find out. Fucking digs into my neck. Welcome to Bowling, the podcast. Wow. I love that.

Jeremiah is really offended by these small tit jokes. I mean, the girl that they're happening to, completely laughing, Jeremiah taking a stand on free speech here tonight. Appreciate it. Really a stronghold. I mean, I thought we cashed all our chips in with the Middle Eastern guy, you know?

It's like we win, it's fine. Whatever. Nope. There's more chips. I know. Brian's eating them. It's sold. Very good. Wait, that is exactly what Patty used to do. Like, oh, jokes.

What does it mean? I remember. That's exactly, that chair is cursed. I love Pat Reagan. Me too. I do too. Yeah. Do you want to win any Cheetos?

Let's move on. So do you still DJ at all anymore? I stopped. You stopped and now you picked up the mic and you want to do comedy? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. You think? Yeah.

I'm just in a bit of a transitional period at the moment. It's kind of fucked. We can tell. We can tell you're in a transition right now. Great. I'm trying, man. I'm trying. I do it all for the fans, you know what I mean? So, Sarah,

what are some other funny things that you do? What other ways do you vent your sense of humor? Are there any funny things about your drink company? I mean, we're kind of the only ones. No, I don't have anything funny to say about it. I don't really... How do I vent? I don't know.

How long has it been that you've been out of Australia? Ten years. Ten years. And again, remind me... Four years. Four years in America. And how long been out of Australia? Ten years. Ten years. And again, remind me. Four years. Four years in America. And how long were you in Dubai? Two years.

Two years. And before that, you were in London for three or four years. I was in London for two years. I was in China for six months. Wow. And I was in Melbourne. So I'm from Perth, which is the left, and then I was in Melbourne for two years. So eight years.

Perth, the gold mining town. Yep. You ever been to Newark? You haven't lived. Sarah? Do you just want to get one quick one in again? Do you do a lot of spots other places too i was here on saturday night actually which is cool not here but in the belly room yeah how'd that go um really good how long was your set i've got six minutes six minutes and that went good yeah it was really

good crowd yeah i mean fuck i had to bring half of them didn't i so yeah you ever get you ever get heckled? No. I mean, I've not been doing it for long enough. Did anybody ever heckle you as a DJ? Are you going to do like a... There's going to be a boob thing coming up. No, as a DJ, you're just... Wait, what? What are you talking about?

I feel like he's like going... That would never happen. We would never set you up for something and then lead you into a boob joke. What are you talking about? This isn't Kill Tony. What are you talking about? We wouldn't do that. We wouldn't make jokes. Yeah, you got to have at least a Walla B cup, you know.

I hate myself. That was both a small boob and an Australian joke for those of you paying attention. Thank you, Tony. Also, I know what I did tonight. Not easy to do. So did you get heckled as a DJ? No. What happens is, though, someone will come up.

So, let's say if you're playing R&B, which I don't play, but this is going to make more sense to you guys. If someone's playing R&B, someone comes up to you and goes, Can you play some fucking EDM or something? Which is completely not the vibe that's happening. By the way, R&B is Jodeci, Guy, Trudeau. Oh, God. Are you spinning that? Me?

Am I wrong here or no? I'm saying that's R&B, right? I'm confused. Who did you say? Boyz II Men? What was your example? What? No, I can't even.

What's R&B? No, wait. R&B. I'm saying if I'm playing house, someone come up to me and say, can you play the Backstreet Boys? That kind of thing. And you're like, that's obviously in another world. What, a bar mitzvah? That's making a request.

I'm talking about hackful. I mean, has anybody ever been DJing and some guy in the crowd was like, show us your chest! Like that? No, the worst that's ever happened is someone comes up. All right. Sarah, we've spent a lot of time with you because you are charismatic and fun.

It was nice to meet you. Great. Come back again soon. Thank you, thank you. Heck yeah. There she nice to meet you. Come back again soon. Thank you. Heck yeah. There she goes. Sarah Lawrence. Good job, Sarah. One more? What do you guys say? We go to the bucket one more time? You got it in you?

Little Tony fans packing this place lately. It's been fun. A little crazy Monday. Are there any R&B bands anymore? I'm showing my age, but I'm saying like, you know, like Key Sweat. Jodeci this lady. Yeah, Key Sweat. This lady just heard about Jodeci.

KC and Jojo. Hell yeah! There's the Migos, but it's not really R&B, but they're a group. Usher. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Maddie Fontana. Here we go. Let's close it out strong. Maddie Fontana. Here we go. Let's close it out strong.

Maddie Fontana. How are ya? I used to hook up with this broad. She loved to bang. But every time she was about to bust a nut, she'd put a pillow over her face. So all I would hear was, and the brains are fucked up. Like Pavlov said, you show a dog a steak, you ring a bell, dog's drooling. Show a dog a steak, ring a bell over

and over again. So you ring the bell, and the dog just starts drooling. So after hearing, over and over and over again, now I get a hot on every time I hear a deaf person talk. Well, you guys are on the internet looking for porn. I'm on Amazon Prime looking for audiobooks narrated by Molly Matlin. It was the best of times. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Fuck yeah. That's right up your alley. I love it. Hi, Matty. How's it going? Good. How you doing? Great.

Is this your first time on the show? Yeah. Wow. Nice to meet you. How long have you been in stand-up? About a little over three years now. Hilarious stuff. That was Nice to meet you. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a little over three years now. Hilarious stuff. That was fun.

Three years. Oh, it's Boston. I get it. Clearly from Boston, right? Yeah. Hell yeah. And how long have you lived in L.A.? Fifteen years.

Fifteen years. You moved directly here from Boston? Yeah. Wow. What do you do for work? I'm a bartender. Tending the old bar.

Wow. Specific bar? Tenino and Westwood. I've never heard of it, but I imagine all the boondock saints Hang out there All of them I would have to say The Boston

That's the best thing about Boston And the worst thing about Boston At the same time Yeah On a dude it's fine On a broad it's terrible Disgusting Absolutely horrendous

It's horrible A lot of crazy stuff Happening at your bar Not really It's a lot of high end people Like, like a lot of rich people going there. Oh, cool. You looking for a cocktail company? Yeah, I know.

I was going to hit her up and ask her if she could play the Backstreet Boys for me. Oh, yeah. Not only will she sell you drinks, but her chest works as coasters. Did you wear the hat with the B on it in honor of her? No, I was going to wear an Oakland A's hat. Maddie, so what do you do for fun?

You've been in L.A. for 15 years from Boston. Yeah. How about bartending? I did street art for a while. Street art? Yeah, I used to paint. Fuck yeah. What kind of street art? Did you say art or no? Art. I sound like a black person making fun of

white people. Now the Boston comes out. Exactly. That's the real Boston accent right there. I don't want to sound like a fucking black person up here, but you know, fucking... I sound like a black person

making fun of the way white people talk when I try to sound like a regular person. Like, how's it going? How are you? That's how we talk to you? That's so funny. Yeah, everybody sounds corny. Man. So what else are you into other than stand-up

and bartending? Do anything else for fun? Any hobbies? Run. Yeah, where do you run? Numbers for Whitey Bulger. Get a slice. And the rest of the Winter Hill Gang. Did you know any of those guys? I don't know. They were

like 90. Who knows a 90 year old That you're not related to I thought everybody did You know Stevie Blue Eyes I know who he is He's a little bit younger than me But I know who the guy is

He opens for Brian Callen Yeah Everybody knows Stevie Blue Eyes We met him here on the show Like four years ago Before Brian Callen even found him And we were so intrigued

By his old cool Boston like mob stories. His stories are fucking really cool. You two should have a Boston off. We'll make that happen. A Boston off. Oh, I'll win. Yeah, you will. I'll win. You're from Southie, right? Yeah. Did you know Ben Affleck and

Matt Taylor? Both of them. Both of them. Cousins. Me and Mark Wahlberg used to share the same fucking tone of them. Both of them. Cousins. Me and Mark Wahlberg used to share the same fucking tone of voice. Yeah, you're definitely from South Boston. Are you a drunk as well? A little bit, yeah. A little bit?

I like to drink. About how much do you drink on average a night? What's your drink? I drink like once or twice a month, but when I drink, I drink. Oh, okay. What's your drink of choice?

Miller Lite. Miller Lite. On your one or two nights a month that you go hard, how many Miller Lites will you throw down? Like eight to ten. Wow. Now that lets me know you're not a hipster. Are hipsters ruining Boston as well as every other bad city? It happened like 20 years ago.

It's over, right? It's done. Done. The hipsters in Boston, do they shop at Goodwill Hunting? Only seven people clap at this fucking shit. How often do you get to make a, all right. Thank you, Chairman. I even clapped at that.

And he hates me tonight's episode. So that's when you know it counts. Now, did you grow up with like a group of guys? You guys, you know, would fight other guys? I mean, everybody kind of fought in the neighborhood. Yeah. But it wasn't like. Did you sell heroin like everybody else?

No. Yeah. Little pause there. Little pause. So, wow. No. Little pause there. Little pause. Wow. Man. Your favorite thing about LA that's different than Boston other than the weather? My accent gets me late. It does.

Women love it. I'm a six. Right. And I get... I was on a steady incline until I turned 35. Jeremiah? Oh. hello. Jeremiah, does your accent get you late? All the time, all the time, yeah.

Yeah, Maddie and I double-team girls, Boston cream pie and style. Is that what you wanted, brothers? You got it. Jeremiah gets late a lot. In fact, the other day I saw a saxophone blowing him. Is that what you wanted, brothers? You got it. Jeremiah gets laid a lot. In fact, the other day I saw a saxophone blowing him. It's true. I'm struggling, guys. It's fucking De Niro right there.

Oh, shit. So you work at a high-end bar. And you got the accent. You're clipping a lot. Doing okay. Yeah. You've been working there a long time. Yeah. Does any of your high-end clientele ever pay you to do anything crazy or make you an offer you couldn't refuse or anything like that?

You know, you ever have to, like, get rid of a body or anything weird or just like, hey, I'll give you $100 if you put in a good word with me for this girl that's coming, anything like that? Nah. You ever do, like, an over-the-pants blowjob or anything like that?, I'll give you a hundred bucks if you put in a good word with me for this girl that's coming, anything like that? You ever do an over-the-pants blowjob or anything like that? One time, one time. You just stick the whole jean in there, the whole zipper and everything, just choking on some fat denim. You ever do that, Matty?

No. Have you? Have you ever done that? I've had some cool celebrities and stuff come in. Yeah. Anyone you want to talk about? Don Rickles was. Wow. Yeah.

Him and Bob Newhart used to come in a lot. Who? Bob Newhart. Bob who? Bob Newhart. Bob Newhart came into the bad. Bad Newhart. Bob Newhart.

Man, that's cool. Did he make fun of you at all, Rickles? Every time he'd come in, he'd say something to me, like, you know, just joking around. And then him and Newhot and, um... All right, fuck you guys. It's hard to talk when you talk like this. He would come out and he would say something to me

every time he'd say something. Like, he'd throw 20... Where's the bartender? Throw 20 bucks at the bar and go, go buy yourself a hotel or something like that. So one night he came out and he was like, what did he say? He goes, here's 20 bucks, go buy yourself a personality.

And I slid the two, yeah, right? But I was ready, sort of, like with my old man joke and I slid it back across the bar and I was just like, if it's anything like yours, I'm going to have to return it. And then he looked at me, and he goes, remember this face, kid? And I was like, that face? How can I forget that breath? And he just gave me a look, and he walked away, and I feel a hand on my shoulder, and

I look over, and it's new hot, and he goes, all right, take it easy. He goes, good job, kid. Nobody gets them like hot. And he goes, alright, take it easy. He goes, good job, kid. Nobody gets them like that. He walked out. Wow. That's a very cool story. Do you root for Notre Dame? I'm a Notre Dame fan, yeah. Brady?

Bird? Or? Ted Williams. Ted Williams. That's who you got. Number one. Brady. I'm sorry. My bad. Two men were talking. My bad.

My bad. Jesus, Brett. I'm sorry. I've been putting up with that shit. You say Tom Brady one time and all your HGH comes out of your system. Gain five pounds. I don't need it. I like it. I'm okay. Come on. I'm Here, gain five pounds. I don't need it. I like it.

I'm okay. Come on. I'm secure. I'm secure. Sorry it's not Ohio State we're talking about. Jesus, you're out of control. Well,

you know what? This fucking kid's accent is pissing me off. You love it. God. I love it. So, Matty,

well, that's fun. New kids on the Block or New Edition? New Edition. All day? Half the day. Drop a New Kids song on just to kind of change it up a little. New Edition's R&B, by the way.

All right. That's where Bobby Brown was from. What are you afraid of? Huh? What scares you? The Yankees. Huh? I don't like roller coasters.

Really? I don't like them. Can't do it, huh? No. Huh. Why do you think that is? I don't know. Just never, never like them.

Did you ever go on a roller coaster? I tried. My ex-girlfriend brought me on a roller coaster on my 30th birthday because she was really considerate. Yeah. And she knew me. And you rode one and what happened?

I just, I rode it and I didn't like it and I was like, a bunch of my friends were at Six Flags and I was like, you guys go have fun.

I'm going to find a bar and celebrate by myself. This chick that made you ride the roller coaster. It's very Boston of you. Yeah, why not, right? I got drunk at Six Flags. With all the Latinos,

with all their family members that are dead, brushed on their turds. Here we go. It's the fucking thing that happens here. Come on. Alright, Matty. It was a pleasure to meet you. There he goes, Matty Fontana, ladies and gentlemen. And with that is another episode of Kill Tony. Rack him.

Stack him. We did him again. Brett Ernst has a new special. Principal's office. I have a confession to make. I have a confession to make. Maddie opens for me a lot. Oh, really? Look at that.

All that banter seemed completely natural. You can catch more of Brett's acting chops in Cobra Kai. Just got picked up for season two on YouTube Red. Yeah. And his podcast, You're on the List. BrettComedy.com to check out his new special. Anything else crazy you want to talk about? That's about it, man.

Yeah, just go to, if you want, just go. You can watch it for free. I released it for free. I was over it. Brett Ernst, ladies and gentlemen. Just go to Brett Comedy. Back again. What's the date today? What is this? Today's like the 11th, I think. What is this?

May 14th. Oh, one week away from Bert Kreischer will be the guest next week, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, that's dope. The machine Bert Kreischer will be here. Let me see the picture. That's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel, ryanjebel.com for all prints, posters, and Kiltoni the book. Me and Tony look alike. The great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, everybody,

will be featuring for me in San Francisco this Thursday through Saturday. We have a Kill Tony on Saturday too, but that's already sold out. But you can see the Kill Tony crew, some of us doing stand-up some of those nights, all of us on Saturday. Dude, this was a lot of fun, man. Thank you. Yeah, thanks for having me.

Jeremiah has a new podcast out called Jeremiah Wonders. Anything else, Jeremiah? Yeah, listen to Jeremiah Wonders. You can follow me on social media, at JeremiahStandUp, and look out for my inflatable saxophones across the country. Thank you guys so much. I think you're gonna sell a lot of them online.

I think sales are blowing up right now. Chroma Chris. Chroma Chris, what did you think about tonight's episode? You know, Tony, you almost made me break character. I ain't going to do that.

Okie dokie. The voice of Wacky Chroma Chris. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez is in the back there, ladies and gentlemen. It'll be your last time really having the clap. Mostly sorry on all social media. He just deprivatized his Instagram account this week. Public. I'm public.

And watch Brett Ernst on This Is Not Happening. It's really funny. Peace out, guys. Tonyinchcliffe.com for everything coming up. And in September, a reminder that we are in Detroit. Lansing, the 20th. Grand Rapids, the 21st. Detroit, the 22nd.

Doing Kill Tonys and stand-up shows. And then Austin, Texas, the 26th. In Texas, Fort Worth, the 27th. 28th, 29th has the Kill Tony in Fort Worth. And then I'm doing stand-up. Zany's, October 4th, 5th, and 6th. Those tickets will sell fast. June 18th is already sold out.

But maybe some will be released. We have to figure out exact seating for that and how we're going to seat comedians and how that's going to go. We're going to try to make more seats available. New Kill Tony shirt number two is available right now. ShopSquad.TV The new Kill Tony shirt is there so make sure you get one of those. RyanJBelt.com for everything else.

And watch the video. Some people don't even know that there's videos of this. Go to Vimeo.com or DeathSquad.TV click on videos. Sure. All of it. Live audience, thank you so much. Have a good night, guys. See ya. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Thank you.