KILL TONY - KILL TONY #267

Episode Date: May 21, 2018

Doug Benson, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 05/19/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website

DeathSquad.tv. There you can find all the past episodes, including video portions of all the shows and all the stuff that we do at Death Squad. You could also check out our tour dates. Click on tour dates and there you can get tickets to see Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. Or we are always on the road. We are coming to Detroit. We are coming to Indiana. We are even maybe Cleveland.

A bunch of new dates are being added all the time. Go to DeathSqu squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website that has some tour dates on there. Also, and all the information you need of the Golden Pony, go to Tony Hinchcliffe dot com. Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He drew every episode. He drew the poster. He drew the book. every episode. He drew the poster. He drew the book. Go to his website to get a bunch of cool shit.

Go to ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. There you have all the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including Death Squad hats and mugs and shirts. But we also have the new Kill Tony number two shirt. The second shirt that we've done.

That's up for pre-order right now. So get in your pre-orders so you can guarantee your shirt. Just click on Kill Tony by going to shop squad dot TV. All right. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from San Francisco for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. It's clear.

Fuck yeah. What the hell's up, San Francisco? Make some noise. You are at the number one live podcast in the world. Brian Redband's here. Hey, what's up, Sans? Brian flew in today. No Ryan J.E. Belt today.

And we are in smooth rolling. It is good to be back in San Francisco. Our last time here was with the great Moshe Kesher and Natasha Leggero. Remember that? How many of you guys were here for that? Oh, that's cool. We got some fucking first-time live Kill Tony people. We're packed in tight for you podcast listeners.

Extremely tight here at the Punchline Comedy Club, the great San Francisco comedy club. And we're fucking excited. The wind is blowing from every direction today. It's like a bunch of Jeremiah's blowing up his little saxophones at the same time. So much extra air flowing through there. It's incredible. And so let's just keep the thing moving along, shall we?

We have a lot of show for you guys. We have a bucket full of names, and I'm really, really excited about some things that are going down here tonight. You guys excited, too? All right. Let's jump right into it, shall we? Should I bring up the band first, you think? Yeah, why not, right? You know the band.

You love them. You see them every week. Every week they do different characters. I normally never know what they're going to do, but for this one, I accidentally walked into the green room after they had a different setup than we normally have when we do this show, so I accidentally saw. I have a five-minute head start

on what they are, and they are new characters. So, congratulations San Francisco. I present to you the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. These guys traveled here today

for you, for this show from Los Angeles, California. Oh, wow. Look at this. Wow. Now, I didn't actually ask you what you were. I just sort of assumed that you were pretty much white trash, right? Ha, nailed it.

We are off and running. For those of you listening to the podcast, there's Jeremiah out front looking pretty much how he normally does. There's Jeremiah out front looking pretty much how he normally does. We have Chroma Chris in the back with a blonde wig as well. And then we have Joelberg Joel Jimenez, who out of all the times you've dressed like a chick, I think your white dude might be the hottest version of you I've ever seen. How are you doing today, Joelberg? Happy to be here, Tony.

Joelberg traveled from Los Angeles today barely sleeping, right? Is that what you said? That's right. Red bull. Red bull and nitro. Red bull for a redneck, baby. Yeah, let's get this shit started. He is a he is indeed a Mexican

white trash character. He looks good in that blonde, though, doesn't he? They locked me out of the motorhome. I got a bit more of a tan than these two, but you know what I'm saying? Ha-ha! Woo-hoo! Yee-haw! Here we go, friends!

Oh, yeah, all right. Joelberg is here. Same as when you leave somebody outside a little too long. Ha-ha. All right, the Kiltoni Band is in place. How about a guest? Do you guys think I should bring up a special secret guest for you?

Sam Fran, I think you might be able to do a little bit better than that. You guys want a secret guest? One of our favorite guests in the history of Kill Tony. Truly one of the best, one of our favorites. You know him, You love him. Getting Doug with High.

The High Court. It's Doug Benson, ladies and gentlemen. In the flesh. Here he is. Doug loves movies. Getting Doug know why. Here he is. Why, man? Doug loves movies. Getting Doug with high, super high me, Kill Tony fame. Doug Benson is stoned to the gullets. Is that a level of stoned?

Yeah. To the gullets? Gullets. Yeah, the gullets. Okay. Not exactly sure what it is. But I always say it. All right.

How you doing? I'm doing all right. Yeah, it's a little hard to light shit out there with all this fucking wind, but other than that, it's a beautiful city and a beautiful day. It is a creepy cold wind that comes from every direction. For you podcast listeners, there's no other way to describe it. They live in a constant cold cyclone. Yeah, you'll be walking down the street.

Oh, it's a nice warm day. Oh, it's really cold. Oh, it's a warm day again. Just in one fucking block. It's incredible. Everything's in place. I have a bucket full of names. You guys ready to start this shit?

Let's do it. You get 60 seconds if you're pulled out of the bucket. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You couldn't find a Castro bear? Always keeping it local. What's the Castro bear? Castro?

The Castro district is where the... Man, I'll stay away from those parts. Wow, so white trash right out of the gate. White out of the gate, one could say. Yes. By the way, the stairway is right here in front of Red Band. The bear is ready to roll.

So, let's do it, shall we? This is San Francisco Kill Tony Live, number something. All right. Pulling name out of the bucket. I love that, the quiet before the storm. Put your hands together for Frank Perkins. Here we go.

The show has started. I believe the band is playing Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Here he is, Frank Perkins. Thank you. Okay, hi everybody. I am a father of three kids, which means I fall asleep at the dentist. Has anybody ever fallen asleep at the dentist before? Not a single person. Okay, this should be fun.

You know how tired you have to be to fall asleep at the dentist? But it happened. She laid me down. She put her fingers in my mouth. She started talking to me. And it felt great. It was luxurious. I fell asleep.

I got a boner. It was awkward. She said to come back in six months. I asked if I could come back tomorrow. She said no. But I made the appointment anyway and did not tell my wife. My youngest son is

I have three sons. My youngest is probably going to be a janitor or a mechanic because he looks adorable in onesies and it's all he ever wants to wear. What else? He is yeah, that's all I got.

There you go. Frank Perkins There it is How you doing, Frank? How are you? Doing wonderful I owe him a quick My wife! Okay, go ahead How long have you been doing stand-up?

I've done stand-up only once I'm here for my buddy's birthday It's amazing that I got called first That's so funny I'm here for my buddy's birthday Yes I love that And I got called first. That's so funny. I'm here for my buddy's birthday. I love that. And you just so happen to sign up. You always sign up at things that your buddy's birthday takes you to?

This buddy? Yeah, absolutely. I love that. He's probably busted a few bouncy houses. Jeremiah? Why do you look like a politician in civilian clothing? That's a good question. That's good. That's a good question.

Born this way. What do you do for work? I work at a tech company. What kind of tech? Software. Huh. What kind of software? They're all the same.

I don't think they're all the same. Now, when you're with your wife, can you make it hardware? Only when he's at the same. Now, when you're with your wife, can you make it hardware? Only when he's at the dentist. Yeah, what happened with this dentist trip? Was this dentist hot or what? Was this just a normal checkup? Yeah, just a normal checkup.

I don't get a lot of time to relax in there. I found myself just really feeling luxurious in the dentist. I thought, this is funny. Oh, you should go to a spa sometime. Yeah, I should. Fucking blow your mind. Yeah. Did you really get a boner in the dentist?

No, you didn't get a boner. That was for comedy fun. But you really did fall asleep. But you could imagine if he did. I did fall asleep. That did happen, yes. White trash guys, what happens when you go to the dentist? Oh, man, I come everywhere. What's a dentist?

There you go. The big inflatable sacks that I blew up and hit over there. So, Frank, how long have you been married for? Been together about 15 years You said youngest son How many kids do you have? I have three boys Wow, look at you

Just fucking like a horse Dad? Wow So you have three sons How old are they? Nine, five and a half, and one and a half Wow You just keep making babies once every 4 years

That's right Told you he was a politician You said it's your buddy's birthday What else do you guys have planned? Where do you go from here? We'll see That sounds fun I'm looking forward to him if he gets called up What else do you guys have planned? Where do you go from here? We'll see. Huh. That sounds fun.

Wow. I'm looking forward to him if he gets called up to... There's a really good bookstore up the street. You guys should check that out. Might see some comedy later. What do you normally do for fun? Like, what are some of your hobbies and things like that? Oh, man.

Play with my kids, really, to be honest with you. You know, spend a lot of time outside. What's your favorite thing to play with my kids, really, to be honest with you. Spend a lot of time outside. What's your favorite thing to play with your kids? Don't say dentist. You know, skateboard. We skateboard a lot. Wow. Awesome.

We go out to Yosemite a lot. What was the second thing? We go out to Yosemite a lot. What do. What was the second thing? We go out to Yosemite a lot. Oh, what do you do when you're there? Hike around, climb stuff. Jeez Louise. One and a half years old out there hiking and skateboarding, huh? This kid's a fucking warrior.

He's a machine. Wow. Play with your kids. You and your wife still banging? Yeah. Oh, that's good. Good news. Believe it or not, yeah.

Like how often? Not as often as I'd like. Well, what's that? Good news. Believe it or not, yeah. Like, how often? How often do you guys... Not as often as I'd like. Well, what's that? What's that? Like, how many times a week? Or a month? Oh, man.

What do four out of five dentists have to say about your wife? Whenever we can, you know? It's tough to get time with three kids. Sounds like it's like pulling teeth. Yeah.

Huh. Anything with... Oh, perfect. We got pizza. Oh, we got some pizza. There you go. Perfect for a podcast. Hey, so you said you did this on a lark.

So now that you've done one minute of comedy on the world's most famous comedy live podcast, what's next for you? Do you think you feel good? Do you want to keep doing it? Maybe, sure. Where was your first time at? You were great, by the way.

You got really decent, real laughs, by the way. It was a really good minute. Appreciate it. Where was the first place you performed comedy? Anybody know Brainwash? You guys know Brainwash? Yeah. Same buddy brought me to that once and that was phenomenal. I had a great time.

What's Brainwash? It's a laundromat slash comedy club. They do comedy here. It's no longer a thing. R.I.P. I think just a year ago. Turned out it a thing. R.I.P. Turned out it wasn't the best business model. You definitely have

a weird bromance with your friend, don't you? How long have you been friends with this guy? I don't know, maybe 15, 20 years? What's your favorite memory of him? Where were you?

You were at Yosemite, hiking up a cliff, and all of a sudden he's like, dude, I think I need a spot. And you're like, you know what, man? I got you. There was that one time

I was standing over a geyser. That was super fun. You're supposed to answer the question. I'm just filling in. Favorite memory with my buddy. I don't know. The day he showed up with a gift at the hospital when my first son was born. Oh, yeah.

What was the gift? I told him not to. Was it a flashlight? And he showed up. Yes. Yes. Yes. A leather ball gag?

Yes. What was the gift? I actually don't remember the gift. What? Didn't matter that he was there was the gift. I don't know. It's raining now. What? Did you just say it was the gift that he was there?

That's the greatest shit I've ever heard. What the hell, man? You didn't even have to say he brought you a gift. You could just say he came to the hospital. He arrived at the hospital, yes, and that was a nice thing. Do you remember what he was wearing? No. I don't.

I don't. He came with a gift. Man. But don't you think maybe he wanted something in return eventually? You'd have to ask him. You should call him up next. No. No.

That's not how it works. All right. The bucket is not rigged, man. No. It doesn't look like it. Yeah. Frank, are you Frank Perkins? Are you any relation to the restaurant family, the Perkins?

No, I'm not, but I've been asked that before. Wow, there's a fan in the audience of Perkins. I'm a fan of Perkins restaurants. Okay, well, do you enjoy Frank's? The band knows Perkins is the place where you guys have a lot of your weddings at, right? Hell yeah. Is Perkins not a San Francisco thing? Is that why nobody's laughing?

You don't have any here? Whoa, that's crazy. I could tell. What's Perkins? I'm like, why is nobody laughing? Perkins is a... Really? Yeah, it's like a janky Denny's.

Super janky. Really? You've never heard of Perkins? That's a waffle house, Tony. Waffle pool house. Perkins is five star. I don't know what you're talking about, man. Yes, that's... Yes, exactly. When I think of Perkins, I start to get the jerkins.

What I like about that is if you think about it long enough, it makes zero sense. Right. That's why, of course, it's for some reason my favorite joke of the night so far. When I get the Perkins, it makes me want a Jerkins. You didn't even repeat it back right. Really? Yeah. What is it again? Ah, you did a great job, Tony

Alright, there he goes Frank Perkins, ladies and gentlemen Woo I love that You guys know how to play the Power Rangers Yeah You guys really are white trash the Power Rangers. Yeah. You guys really are white trash. I hope his buddy gets picked,

because I want to hear about all these illicit handjobs they give each other. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Eric Jones. Can I have a bottle of water and a Crown Royal and Coke as well? Hey, one more time for Eric Jones. Hey, guys. I know Frank.

Frank. Anyway. Everyone has low times. And I'm going through one right now um after a relationship my sweet spot seems to be kind of uh three months three months relationships and how I get through them is um drugs casual casual hookups let's let's focus on the casual hookups. After the casual hookup, you have three opportunities. You can say, washcloth, can I get you some water? Or what's unique about my penis? And I go for number three. And there's a long enough pause where I realize there's not much unique.

I'm certain, she says, actually, it's nothing like... Culp of entry. Eric Jones. First, I just want to know if you knew what this was today, what we're doing in here. Did you think this was a Sex Anonymous meeting?

I expect people to listen to me until I fucking... I had some funny jokes. Why didn't you do them? You had one minute. That's the trouble. It's that second minute is always so much better. I'm circumcised, but I'm an average penis. Wow, listen to that voice crack. Michael J. Fox. Eric, I like your style. How long have you been on stand-up?

About seven years. Seven years? Fuck yeah. Seven. It's around year five or six that you learn to open your set with anyway. I'm just trying to hang out with my friend Frank. One guy's here celebrating his birthday. We're here celebrating Eric's retirement.

This is really incredible. So many celebrations happening on one festival night. I'm average-sized penis, and I'm average-sized stand-up. I wouldn't call that average, my friend. I think I'm talking about your penis. Holy shit. Jeremiah?

Nope. Momus Pius. How can I improve by the panel? Tony. Hold on, Eric. We'll get to it. Just relax. There's something very high energy about you.

What did you drink today? Meth. Tony. I'm not a big meth guy. You move around a lot. No. I'm actually Presidio Heights. My neighbors are 75.

One just died. I don't know what people are 75. One just died. I don't know what people are celebrating. People are literally wooing the death of his neighbor, I do believe. Man, Tony. I don't even know what these sounds are. This guy looks like if the singer

for Coldplay produced porn. Is this like the poor man's Guns and Roses? Who's Axl N' Roses? Who's Axel and who's not? Oh, my God. Yeah, my neighbor just died. Leroy. He really did.

Leroy was 75. He just died. Hold on, Eric. Relax, relax. You've got to breathe a little bit more, man. You've got to just start breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. We're going to cover everything.

I just want to make sure everybody knows that Joel Berg at one point said, this is like if Coldplay produced porn. I mean, it's unbelievable. That's exactly what he looks like. Did Guns N' Roses just tweet? You're not going to win, boo-boo. If a Guns N' Roses reference doesn't work the first time, do it again. All right, the big guy who's an alcoholic is fucking...

Hold on, hold on. Eric, breathe. What's going on, dude? Have you ever meditated before? Yeah. Actually, I went to a Vipassana retreat. You went to a what? Vipassana?

Vipassana retreat. Vipassana retreat. I just hung out with Vipassana. You don't... Everybody goes and pretends to be dead. Robbie. Robbie. Robbie. Or Tony.

It's Robbie or Tony, right? Is it Robbie or Tony? Hold on. Eric, relax. I don't relax. You got a wedding ring on. Thanks, Eric. It's a relax. You got a wedding ring on. Thanks, Eric. It's correct.

I don't rest. Stop talking, dude. Hey, Tony, you're wearing a jacket. It's like an interview part. You ever see an interview before? You ever see like on the late show? I answer more questions than I question. Yeah.

Like what happens right before you don't get the job? You have a conversation. That's a great question. What do you do for work, Eric? I do, like, sales a little bit. He reviews bath salts online. I do. Guns and...

That was me, man. What the hell, dude? Not a bad idea. High five all three of them. Only one person made the joke. His answer was, I do sales like sorta. Yeah. And I'm actually starting like a size thing that's...

Size, size thing. Fuck yeah, dude. A side... You gotta have a thing before you have a side thing. Poppy seed tea. A what? Poppy seed tea. What's that?

Opiate. It's legal, actually. The district... Poppy seed? Yeah, it's also in heroin, isn't it? Yeah, that's what he's saying. What are you gonna do

with the poppy seeds? You're gonna be a client. Oh, God. I'm definitely not gonna be a client. I didn't come here to make jokes I came here to make a network Oh okay

And guess who's about to buy Finally we figured out what's going on here He did not come here to make jokes It's about time the big guy from Michigan Or wherever he's from Michigan? Is that what you were saying? A poppy seed retreat?

If you want my number I'll give it to you after the show It all makes sense now. He's found a way to extract heroin out of tea. Oh my god, what are you doing? Don't get so close to us. This is the first guy I've ever seen where I feel like he's just going to do a line

off the table at some point. He's not going to be able to literally hold back. I'm more of a poppy guy. Poppy, seed, and tea are the name of the kids he had with Gwyneth Paltrow. Don't do that. Don't do that. Those microphones are expensive. Eric, have you ever done anything on stage before?

It seems like maybe I haven't. You're finding that out now? Tony. Or is it? It's Tony, right? Yeah, yeah. It's called Kill Tony. I swear you don't even know where you are

he thought this was gonna go way differently didn't you haha oh walk off wow how sad

that was I think that by the way fun fact I think that's the first time that's ever happened on this show. And we've had somebody that just pushed out that hard.

And we didn't complain. We didn't go, no, come back. It was more like a good idea. No, I don't like that. No, I disagree. I think that that sets a horrible precedent where bailing out's a fucking thing. That made me uncomfortable.

That should be the number one rule on this show is no walking off. You can't leave no matter how terribly we treat you. Tell that to my daddy! Hell yeah. You get what you deserve. You sign up, you get it. Some people it goes magical and some people

are like Eric Jones. You know what I mean? Shake that bucket up for me. Let's get some bottom people You know what I mean? Shake that bucket up for him. That's a real... Let's get some bottom people. What do you mean? That's not how the bucket works. It's just a bucket of names. We didn't even get to the part

where he tells us his cousin is Alex Jones. I had a lot more questions for him. If you would have let me ask them, it would have been incredible. But instead, we're going to meet a new person that goes by the name of Joseph Ugalde. Ugalde?

Joseph Ugalde. Moving quickly. Here he comes. Oh, guys. Let's talk about sexual harassment in the workplace. Yeah. Powerful men going down.

You see Bill O'Reilly from Fox News got fired? Yeah. He told a female co-worker he wanted to take a bath with her and rub her naked body all over with a falafel. He said that. He meant a loofah. But he said falafel

even worse even worse a week later he asked her for a golden shawarma I should talk though I should talk I've been known to date my co-workers. Yeah, they're right there.

In fact, once I even dated a woman who worked in the human resources department. Yeah, it's true. It was great. For every orgasm I had, she'd match it up to 5% of the time. It's a 401k joke Hi Joseph Hey Doug

Hey Tony That was a fun performance Thank you Better than last year You were on the show last year right? I was yeah What did we find out about you? What did that interview go like?

What were some of the highlights of that? You said I look like a magician What kind of magician? You said I look like a magician. What kind of magician? I didn't just say magician. I mean, there must have been a twist on it. A sexy magician? No, I don't think it was that. That's not normally how my jokes

go, Joseph. Oh, you fucking hot stuff. Burn! Maybe because he makes jokes appear out of nowhere. Right. Right. Yeah. That was a good set, right? Doug said something really funny.

Can I say what you told me during the setting? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah. I forgot what it was already. Doug leaned in, and at one point he goes, it seems like he brought all these people here to see him perform. Are these people your friends right here, these guys?

They are now. Those guys were fucking dying. Yeah, I'll say this. Like they were fucking, you know, plants. I'll say this, is you connected with the audience quickly. And the silly stuff in between. Have you been doing stand-up since that year? Right?

Yeah, it's about three years, a little over three years now. Yeah, yeah. And what else did we find out about you last time that you were on? Let's see. Well, you said that I look like I rode a scooter, which... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Dude, you gotta combine it. That's what the fucking thing was.

You look like a scooter-riding magician. Yes, that's what I said. You look like a magician if you rode a scooter. You're my favorite character on The Office. I have to say that right out of the gate. What do you do for work? I do communications for a very large bank. Ooh, hell yeah.

A bank's got to be talking. That's right. Tony, it's a sperm bank. Oh, my God. Wow. How long have you been doing that, Joseph? The bank thing, I don't know, about six years. On and off.

Joel, what are you laughing so hard about? He just said, how long have you been doing that? He goes, oh, the bank. No, the other shit. You do sort of look like you could be Joel Berg's dad, though. I will say. He looks like one of the Easter Island heads.

Oh, my God. That's not a nice one. Oscar from The Office is handsome. Oh, my God. Fuck, yeah. What do you do for fun, Joseph? Aside from comedy? Yeah, I don't know.

I just hang out hang out at bars and non-bot town yeah that's right not there what kind of bars do you hang out at I actually frequent a wine bar I find you meet a lot more women at wine bars you got anything for me here

come on thank you You got anything for me here? Come on. Thank you. Thank you. Is your favorite wine bar called Cougar Town? It is. Wow. What's your favorite kind of wine?

My favorite kind of wine? Yeah, like what's your go-to? You know, I'm not picky. I'm not picky. Oh, my God. I know. First time I went to a wine bar, I tried to order a bottle of the croquage fay. What's wrong with that? How is it regularly pronounced?

That's the corkage fee. Oh, corkage fee. That's a joke. That was my first joke when I first started Man what the hell are you talking about I feel like the wine bar you go to They pull all the bottles out of the closet Oh thank you

Thank you Is that not right I don't think I got the wording right on that Call him a scooter magician again Thank you You have any like special skills Call him a scooter magician again. Thank you. You have any special skills or talents? Is there anything you're really good at? I actually played guitar since I was a kid.

And then I decided I was going to put the guitar down and just do comedy. Really? Yeah. Man, how long did you play guitar for? I don't know. I mean, when you made the switch, so three years ago?

Yeah, three years ago. I've been doing comedy, but I've been playing guitar since I was a little kid. Have you literally just not picked up a guitar since then? Yeah,

I still do it, but nobody likes a comedian with a guitar, so. Oh, I disagree. I'm just kidding. Wow.

I'm sorry. Hold on, hold on. Everybody stop. Oh, I disagree. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hold on, hold on. Everybody stop. Hold on, stop. Who's the scooter magician now, queer? Wait a minute, Tony. But you didn't have a guitar tonight.

Oh, great. All right. Oh, great. All right. Oh, I see. Because they hated him even without the guitar. Yeah, exactly. Thank you, Doug. You said there's nothing funny about a comedian with a guitar. I just have to check in here. Chroma Chris, is there anything you'd like to say about this?

Man, I don't know. It's just kind of bullshit, man. Man. Proving your case. Then he starts playing the guitar. He literally strummed after he said something not funny. Oh, fuck. But, dude, guitar acts are very popular with audiences.

I mean, just because other comedians don't like it. It's hard to follow If you could work your guitar into the act I'd recommend it well Okay, I wish I knew how to play an instrument have you ever written any songs or anything like that any comedy songs? Yeah, I mean like and I like improvise and stuff and I can just yeah I Mean I don't know if it's out of accord. I mean, I'd have to ask the band leader. It's inappropriate. But, I mean, is there a little diddly maybe you could play San Francisco?

Wow. Maybe. I'll bet if you're nice enough to Chris, I'll bet if you say something nice, he'll let you borrow his guitar for a second. Anything you want to say to Chroma Chris, who you deeply insulted earlier? Yeah, is there anything you want to take back? Feelings are hurt, man. I loved your work in Joe Dirt.

I don't know. All right, well. Joseph, I didn't realize you could get a pot belly like that from taking low-hanging fruit. I know. It was cheap. How dare you call this man Joe Dirt?

Low-hanging fruit? Not in my town. All right. Chroma Chris just handed over a guitar. We're going to hear a little diddly from the retired child prodigy that decided to chase his dreams. We might have to talk him back into being a guitar virtuoso after tonight. No, I'm kidding. Here he is. A little... Yeah, Jeremiah?

You saw him in the movie Coco. He's grown up now. All right, all right. That's not him playing for the podcast listeners. Hold on. All right. Can we maybe, like, put a... Is that weird to be like...

All right. All right. You gonna sing us a... Is that weird to... All right. All right. You going to sing us something, or is it just guitar? No, I don't know. I don't know. I can just play. All right. Where's the crazy part at? Like, where's the big breakdown?

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I didn't realize that you could grow up to only learn how to be the rhythm guitar player. Oh, no. I was waiting for something like... Oh, man. I bet the dude's pants just fly off. All right, all right. He plays music you would only hear at a wine bar.

Have you noticed that? Oh, shit. Stick to comedy. It's true. That's a compliment. What are people groaning about? Normally we would say stick to guitar and that would be the insult.

That's actually, we were nice and people started groaning on that like, oh. No, you're great at guitar obviously. Do you ever use that at parties and stuff? You ever the guy with the guitar? Yeah, sometimes, but I hate that guy. Yeah, right. Did Bluto ever take it from you and smash

it against the wall? I'm sure he was tempted. Is that movie too old now? Is that Popeye? No, Bluto in Animal House. Wow, blow me down. Yeah, I don't know. It's either too old to reference or wasn't funny.

I could go either way. I like how a talented guitarist just got told by a dude on a soundboard to stick to comedy. He's like an accomplished guitarist. He's like, you need to stick to comedy. Bow, bow, bow. Stick to saxophones For those of you listening to the podcast

Jeremiah just threw a saxophone And it hit Red Band in the face It was an inflatable one so it popped Available for donation right after this show and it hit Red Band in the face. It was an inflatable one, so it popped. Available for donation right after this show. Can we get back to Lou Diamond Phillips' dad over here? Oh, my God. Obviously, like I said,

I said that because you are an amazing guitarist, but you're way better as a comedian because that was great, but that's just background noise. That's just playing good guitar. It's not anything different than I've ever heard. All right, Joseph. We spent way too much time with you

up here. Thank you. That was amazing. How about Joseph Ugalde? Am I saying that right? Ugalde? Joseph Ugalde. A San Francisco treat. I love that. It's fun times.

I think I've laughed harder this episode than ever before in my life. I just think shit's hilarious. Great pot up here. Or this is just a great show, or a little bit of both. This is an amazing show we're doing. Yes, it is. We're in the middle of it.

We are in the goddamn middle of it. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and that name is Perry Ruiz. Here we go. Perry Ruiz. Here we go. Perry Ruiz. Whoa. Whoa. We got a blacklisted? I'm not seeing movement. Blacklisted. Somebody got scared.

They saw it. See? By the way, this is from the fucking scaredy pants. I'm not going up there after what happened to the hilarious Eric Jones. Right. You see one guy have a meltdown and walk off stage and everybody wants to fucking get scared. That's pussy ass shit.

You can't let that get to you, people. I'll try again. I mean, you... I'll even give you one... I know you're in this room. This ain't the comedy store, okay, where when I say somebody's name they could have been off to another

room or using the restroom. I know that someone just got scared in this room. So I'll give you one more chance. Perry Ruiz. Bad. No, Tony, I was taking a shit.

Yeah, someone's totally taking a fake shit right now. I'm serious. I get messages. I got one a couple days ago from some guy like, hey, just letting you know you called me on Monday. So does that mean I automatically get up next week? I'm like, dude, total opposite. Put your hands together for John Gabrielli. Harry Ruiz, San Francisco, total opposite. Put your hands together for John Gabrielli.

Harry Ruiz, San Francisco, blacklisted. Wow, here's John Gabrielli. Holy shit. All right. So I know what you guys are thinking. I look like Andy Milonakis if he had been cast as the lead man in the movie Cast Away. Have any of you guys ever chopped up a jalapeno and only realized that you forgot to wash your hands after you started masturbating?

That happened to me today. So my grandma passed away. And my grandpa, like any elderly grieving gentleman, decided he was going to start dropping that dusty clip in any direction he possibly could. And while he was dropping that dust on the old dusty trail...

You can finish. Go ahead. He ended up getting married almost immediately after my grandma passed. So, fun fact about my grandma, she was a twin. Yeah, she had an identical... So funny.

We thought you were so close to some sort of punchline. Yeah. I'm like, go ahead, Vintage. He's like, my life story, okay. Fuck yeah, John. Why do you look like you ate all the food on the pirate ship? He looks like the only one who didn't get scurvy.

I didn't know Trader Joe's sold food by the pound. I like you. Thank you. Thank you. Man, Captain Crunch over here, huh? I like you. Thank you. Thank you. Man. Captain Crunch over here, huh? I mean, it is incredible. Look at you.

In the flesh. In the flesh. What is... Yeah. I liked his set list, you know? Andy Milonakis, jalapeno masturbation, dead grandma. How recently did your grandma die? This was before I was born.

This was a long time ago. What? So my grandma died recently. So the Magna Carta was just signed. Wow. That's interesting. Why would you do a new joke about your grandma who's been dead your whole life?

I thought it was an interesting story that he had a grandpa that married his identical twin sister, deceased wife. His dead wife's twin sister. He buried the dead one? Yeah, that's what I was getting to. This is what happens when you watch Unsolved Mysteries and Jerry Springer at the same

time, by the way. It's that exact storyline. It's true. Alright, well, John, what do you do for work looking like that? Mary Springer at the same time, by the way. It's that exact storyline. It's true. All right. Well, John, what do you do for work looking like that? He loads people onto the Pirates of the Caribbean. So I work with mentally disabled adults. Oh, same thing. Lucky.

Lucky. And I also drive Uber and Lyft. Is that where you work with the mentally disabled people? You'd be surprised. Wow. What do you do with the mentally disabled people?

Depends on the client. Sometimes a happy ending. Whatever the client wants. Yeah, yeah. Hey man, it depends how rich the retard is. You know what I'm saying? Whoa. White trash.

That's what you are. Are you originally from San Francisco? Yeah, Bay Area. I was raised out here. What do you do? You have cool parents? They still together? Yeah, Bay Area. Yeah. I was raised out here. Huh. What do you do? You have cool parents? They still together? Yeah, they're still together.

Yeah? They're all right. Yeah. Do they got a lot of money? Not anymore. How do you still live in the city? I don't live in the city. I definitely don't live in the city.

Okay, good answer. Tony, take over. Yes. When you say not anymore, what happened there? Like recession. Like all that shit. Money went down the tube. It's an expensive place to live, dude.

It is an expensive place to live. What does your dad do? He makes car battery chargers. Like a charger car. Car battery chargers. Like a little thing you just clip on there and it'll charge it? Exactly. That's genius.

I mean, it was already. He didn't invent that. Oh, okay. He's genius. I mean, it was already, he didn't invent that. Oh, okay. He's a piece of shit. What do you do for fun? You seem like you have cool hobbies. For those of you listening to the podcast, he has crystals on his neck.

He has a little like, what's that, like a mummy head or something, right? Yeah, yeah. Hawaiian shirt, beard. He looks like the lost and found section out of Hot Topic. Truly does.

What are some hobbies that you have? I feel like you're into cool things. What is it like? I like drinking wine and walking around. Wait a second. What is it with wine tonight? We got some real whiny comics tonight. It's either wine or coke and meth

so far tonight. It's either wine or coke and meth so far tonight for everybody. You were the one that was laughing so hard at Frank. You were losing your mind. I'll do that falafel leafa shit. That was good. What kind of wine are you? I can't picture you drinking. What kind of wine?

Cabernet Parmesan? No fucking Merlot! As long as the wine's white, it's okay in my book. You know what I'm saying? What is your... That other wine is a commie threat. Wine of choice? Yeah.

The Petit Syrah. Wow. Oh, okay. That doesn't seem like it's coming out of you. Yeah, yeah. I haven't seen a grande order a petite. What do you order it by, the barrel? It's petite.

Why is it petite? What makes it petite? Yeah, is it the size of the box? Yeah. Other than drinking wine, what else were your other answers? What else are you into? I'm into comedy. I got the privilege of driving you to Lori's diner on Thursday night.

That's true. Jeremiah did his research on you and confirmed that you would indeed drive us to that diner. I was hungry. I was just like, this is cool. And when I asked him, are you sure this guy should be the one driving us to the diner, Jeremiah said, Hell yeah. Do you have the blue hair so you could get a senior citizen's discount? Is that still a thing?

What? That's the part where Doug just thought that whole people have blue hair. What? Is that like an old thing? Old people are referred to as having blue hair. Oh, yeah. You're welcome. All right.

You're welcome. It's a thing we used to do in the 50s. Me and all the fucking blue hairs We'd get together We'd laugh This guy looks like Snackshin Bronson See that's what I meant to say Wow That's what I meant to say

Wow Wow Holy shit That was great Fuck yeah Interesting stuff John Thank you Wow

So you drink wine. You don't play games or anything? You're not like a pinball wizard or anything like that? No, no. You seem like you have some skill, right? You get a vibe from them? He dresses up as a furry or something, right? Yeah, you seem like...

I don't think I'd fit in a furry costume. Yeah, you would. You'd be a little Jelly Belly or something like that. Jiggle Puff. What's that thing called? Jiggly Puff? I put me a little sleeve on my top. What's the most... Kirby. I was thinking of Kirby. John, what is the most

satisfying part to you of getting to work with mentally disabled people? I'm smarter than you. In other words, what are you getting from being on this stage with us today? Sorry, what was the question? What do I get

most out of it? Yeah, what satisfies you the most of working with? Paycheck? Wow. I just gave you the opportunity to easily get out of here on a great moment. And you're like, oh, I just work with those tarts for the cash. You know what I mean?

Hey, man. Punch the card, teach a tart. You know what I'm saying? Fuck. All right, John. Well, it was awesome times. Yeah. Huge fucking John. White trash. It was awesome times. Huge fucking fan of the show.

Just fucking thrilled to be up here. Hell yeah. Well, people that look like you are always free to keep signing up for this show. Go back to being a bouncer at that tiki bar I'll never go to. You blue hair. Alright, John Gabrieli, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes.

John Gabrieli. Hell yeah. Wow. Look at that. What a specimen. Right back to the second row. Looks like he works at that. What a specimen. Right back to the second row. Looks like he works at Islands. Specimen. That'd be cool working with a bunch of older, you know, mentally ill people just like combing their hair all day. Oh, boy.

All right. I guess that's where Brian thought there was dead air for a second. Brian just found a job opportunity. You know, just wanting to fill in the gaps a little bit, you know. Put your hands together for Chris Ferdinandson. Here we go. Chris Ferdinandson. What's up, you guys?

Good to be here. Good to be here. I saw a young homeless guy recently. His sign said, First time being homeless. I'm like, dude, that's the attitude that got you homeless. You ever saw me homeless?

You see me with a guitar and a jar. This is his last time being homeless. That's how you make the money, man. Optimism. Who's going to get this good money to fund his life of continuous homelessness? You know, like, oh, is this on your second time being homeless? You're going to write, second time being homeless? Don't think anyone gives a shit.

No one cares, homeless kid. No one fucking cares. I work for a tree service. During the day, I climb trees, deal with the brush and ground. Very physical job, dangerous job, get hurt. A lot, but my dad's my boss. So most of the pain's on the inside. Some people ask me how I have this job. They're like, you only have this job

because your dad's the boss, your dad owns the company. I'm like, dude, my dad would have fired me a long time ago. I have a cool job because of my mom. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Boom. Chris Ferdinandson. Thank you Fuck yeah Boom Chris Ferdinandson He kind of looks like Eric threw on a disguise

And tried to come back up here I really did think that When I first saw him That's so funny you say that Yeah he looks like in a movie Like he's trying to get onto a plane Get out of the country He went and bought a hat at the gift shop.

Messed up his hair a little bit. Fuck yeah. How you doing, man? I'm doing good. Good to be here. What's that wristband on your wrist? Did you just bump off the side of the hospital? Yeah, I went to the hospital yesterday here in San Francisco. I was doing an open mic and I had an allergic reaction and I had to go to the hospital

to get some Benadryl. Then I did three sets on Benadryl last night. You know sets on Benadryl last night. You know they have Benadryl at CVS. Yeah, well, I just want to get it checked out, man. That's smart. What were you allergic to? I'm allergic to a lot of shit, dude. I'm allergic to

bananas, oranges. There was bananas and oranges at the open mic? Were they throwing fruit at you? Hi, man. I'm allergic to fruits, too, man. I'm allergic. Shut up. I'm allergic to cabbage, to tomatoes.

All the classic throwing items. Blue hairs. Wow. So what was it This open mic That made you allergic It was before the open mic It was on the way down To the city

I live about an hour away Right You're walking All of a sudden You hear peanut shells Cracking underneath you You're like Oh fuck

911 I need to go to a hospital How'd you get to the hospital Did you drive yourself I had a friend who was driving us around A group of comics We all come down together And do mics and stuff

Wow Did they wait for you in the lobby? Mm-hmm They came with me in the room actually Into the hospital room They came with you? Yeah Yeah

To get this tag And to get the Benadryl And to feel better Wow And you leave that on Because you can just go back I leave it on Because I haven't got around scissors yet. I kind of look like a mental patient.

You haven't got around scissors? Have you ever tried pulling it? Yeah, I bet you you have the strength to. It's strong, dude. It's strong. I bet you the white trash could take it off for you right now. I'll friggin' bite it off right now. Fuck yeah How many

How long have you been on stand up Five years How old are you 23 That's a great thing to do I saw both of you At the improv in Hollywood Where Pete Wins did a set.

Oh, wow. I was there for that. It was a good time. Hell yeah. We're trying to forget that night. Yeah. Whatever happened to that? That's cool.

Whatever happened to that? I don't know. Nothing, right? Really fell out, boy. Oh, yeah. What do you do for a living? I climb trees, and I'm a tree worker. I prune trees. I cut trees, and I'm a tree worker.

I prune trees. I cut them down and shit. Really? You climb trees for a living? Yeah, dude. Wow. Is this something you always did as a kid? Ever since I was like 15, my dad got me out of it. Wait, 15?

Yeah. Normally, you start climbing trees at a younger age than that. 15's a weird age to start at, right? You know, I was 32. All of a sudden, I'm'm like I fucking love climbing trees 15 And then all of a sudden you see a tree For the first time in your life

Did you have a tree house growing up? I did That's weird Do you have one as an adult? No That's a good idea Do you think you're going to climb trees forever? Do you have one as an adult? No. That's a good idea, though. That's a good idea. Do you think you're going to climb trees forever,

or do you see yourself branching off into something else? Chris, you have to let the questions come out. Can I please have another Tito's and soda? Can I get a Tito's and sugar-free Red Bull? Gay Vegas. Oh, my God. Yeah, why don't you make one of your sound effects after that statement? Gay Vegas.

Red band. Chris, what do you do for fun? I like to play music and stuff. I'm in like a band or two. Which one of these instruments do you play? Because we'd like to hear it. I have comedy songs. I could play one on guitar if you want me to.

Wow. These people really seem to want it. San Francisco. Very liberal. Way to go, Doug. Why didn't you do this as part of your set because it's longer than a minute? It's a short song. It's probably like a minute thirty.

We don't have to do it. At least do a minute of it. All right. Welcome back to Kill Dog. There's the whistle on the play. There's a penalty on the field. Overhosting. 15-yard penalty.

I don't know. I guess you missed the part where everybody was super thrilled to hear the song. It wasn't everyone. It was originally everyone. Now they are. Every other person. Now they are. Because I built the energy up to a crescendo.

You like to build up the suspense. Will he do the song? What is the song about? Will you tell us that? Getting High. Oh, you son of a bitch. You know what? Now I'm not going to let him do the song about? Will you tell us that? Getting High. Oh, you son of a bitch. You know what? Now I'm not going to let him do this. Oh, shit.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. What do you need? A guitar or something like that? Oh, Jeremiah? This is when we find out that Doug manages his comedy career. He's slowly pushing him on the audience. Hi, you play guitar? Wow. What's the music about? Getting High? Wow, audience, don't you want to hear that? What do you think about this, Chris?

You going to let this guy borrow your guitar? Perrion's got it for Chroma Chris being a real sport here today. Musicians don't necessarily like it when people play your shit, but this should be interesting. All right, yeah. Let's get high. Let's get high.

Let's get higher than the sky. Let's drive out to the beach. I've wanted this for weeks. Just to get the chance to the chance to hang out with you. I know what we... God damn it, dude. God fucking damn it. So terrible. I take it back. I take it back. God fucking damn it. So terrible.

I take it back. I take it back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I subjected everybody to that. It gets to a turn. I've never had a song about getting high make me sober up before, right? There's a turn in the song.

I regret trying that. I think that other guy was right, Tony. What's the name of your band that you're in? Royale with Cheese. I like that. guy was right, Tony. What's the name of your band that you're in? Royale with Cheese. I like that. That's cool. How about the other band when you say band or two? I kind of jam around with some other bands in Petaluma and just kind of...

Do they know? No. Does everybody know you're jamming around? Let's go to the beach. The beach and let's get high. Basic chords on the guitar. Basic sounding, slow building stuff. Maybe the funny part is right around the corner.

Around the corner. Comedy music, baby. I'm surprised more people don't do it. It's always come super easy to me. I got a name for one of your bands. 90 Seconds to Funny. Gotta get the boys in Petaluma working on it. All right, Chris.

You seem like a cool dude. Probably the most sane person that's been on stage tonight. The crowd goes crazy for sanity. Have you been on the show before? No, no. I've watched, but no. There you go. Who knows what kind of allergic reaction he was having that night. All right, Chris.

Well, it was nice to meet you. We're going to keep flying through it. Chris Herdenson. Wow, he got a handshake. Wow. I think we found out the secret. You write a song about getting high, Doug Benson will shake your hand.

No, I shook that motherfucker's hand. See, look, he's still not washing it. I also don't think that guy washed his hand before he shook your hand, either. Oh, shit. Alright, back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there?

Feels good. Alright, here we go. Put your hands together for Brady Hold. Wow, a verbal oh my God has been called from a lady in the crowd. One more time for Brady Hold. Hi, Brady Hold. Say my name when I'm nervous.

I'm doing well for a 22-year-old, but I just turned 31. I'm Brady Old. I'm a nice guy. People look at me and they think, Brady, you look like you're a nice guy, and it's true. And it's also true what they say about nice guys finish last. And that's never really helped me in life, except for the one time i was running in the boston marathon i finished last that day you guys it saved my life brady hold um hey you guys want an impression That's Grammy Award winning singer-songwriter Bob Dylan. Thank you.

Brady Hold. Fuck yeah, Brady Hold. Love you. That's awesome. Very cool. How long have you been on stand-up? About three and a half, almost four years. For those of you listening to the podcast,

Brady looks like if Dane Cook got hit in the head with an aluminum bat. It's like Anthony Double Neck. Man, this guy looks like a Tony Hinchcliffe stunt double right here. Oh, come on, Jeremiah. Wow. How dare you? Man, this guy looks like a Tony Hinchcliffe stunt double right here. Oh, come on, Jeremiah. Wow. How dare you? I'm Tony Hinchcliffe.

Brady Hold. I did the show last time when you were here for Sketch Fest. Oh, cool. Were you doing the Brady Hold trademark thing then? Almost. I'm working up to it. It's been a while. Yeah, you had things on hold for a while. Yeah, you had things

on hold for a while. Yeah, I did. Yeah. I met you at the one time I came to the comedy store and saw Kill Tony there too. Okay.

All right, cool. And you walked up to him and went, I'm Brady Hold. I'm like, who? You should do a handshake where you just don't let go. I'm Brady Hold.

Do you ride a... Okay Okay nice to meet you Brady Let go of my fucking hand Alright alright what's going on Doug stop touching the people please It makes me nervous I don't like it I don't want anything happening Brady why did you Is that jacket

What did you ride here on the ghost rider Or something like that A burning motorcycle? A rocket pack? What the fuck was that? The Rocketeer? Remember the Rocketeer? Brady, why do you look like the Rocketeer? Remember that?

There's a few people clapping. They remember the Rocketeer. I didn't even know there was a Burlington Tiny Coat Factory nearby. A Burlington Tiny Coat Factory! Holy shit. Brady, where did you get that jacket from? It was a gift from a... No, it wasn't.

You cannot say that. Let me tell you something. The it was a gift for me. No, it wasn't. You cannot say that. Let me tell you something. The it was a gift works sometimes. It works on things that look like someone else bought it for you. No one would ever have the balls to buy someone that jacket. And they'd have to make sure it fits. It's impossible. Tell the truth.

I'll give you another chance. My car was broken into, and I lost a lot of clothes. And they left that? My car was broken into, and I lost a lot of clothes. And they left that? That's the only thing they left. They're like, what the fuck is this jacket? Fucking picky thieves.

I could never, ever wear this shit. Clothes that I'm stealing. I could barely even hold it. Tony, I thought you were saying that the homeless guy was wearing that jacket and exchanged the stuff that was in the car and left that jacket in there. Yes, a tiny homeless man left this. Wow. Wow. So you lost all your clothes. Why do I feel like you write Brady Hold on everything that you own?

People know it's mine. You look like you asked the cow for consent for that leather. What do you do for a living? I'm a security guard. Not with that jacket, you're not. You are off duty. I'm a security guard for Ross.

Where do you work? The Guardians of the Galaxy, right? That's what it is. That's exactly what that jacket is. It's the thing I've been trying to fucking think of. I could feel it. Where do you work security for? One of the wine bars?

It's a biopharmaceutical company. It's a regular office and lab. So I work down there. Do they make poppy tea? Wow. How long have you been doing that for? Well, I've been doing security since I was 18.

And now you're 19. Have it all figured out. Yeah. So what did we figure out that is? Five years? I'm 31. Whoa. What?

Have you thought maybe upgrading would be like a cop or something like that? I don't know if that's how it works, Brian. Hey, you get a promotion? Hey, my security guard friend hasn't been promoted to police officer yet. I'm really surprised. Should be any day now. I think he's been doing security so long, he's almost got to be like a detective or something like that.

Just a few more years walking the office beat. Yeah, do you go on power trips? Do you like attack skateboarders and shit like that? Yeah, have you ever had to defend that ground? Biopharmacy? You know, you just tell them to leave, and then most of the time they do. Wow.

Thank you for your service. Somebody's got to do it. It's a lot of hand holding You know Yeah Yeah Wow That's interesting What do you do for fun?

Like I just do like comedy stuff And comedy videos Other than comedy Like Come on There's gotta be something I knit leather jackets.

I was an extra in Fifth Element until they asked me to leave the set. Sometimes I make things out of duct tape, like wallets and stuff. Things like that. I thought he said duct tape. Duct tape. What can you make?

You make wallets and what else? Purses. Out of duct tape. Duct tape. What can you make? What? You make wallets and like what else? Purses. What else do you make? Purses? Out of duct tape. Wow. It's like a very sticky situation. God.

Jesus. Man, how long have you been making shit out of tape? Since I was like 14. I did it. Wow. I love that all of your answers were supposed to remember how old you are over and over again.

So you've been making stuff out of tape. So by Red Band's logic, when are you going to be an architect? Do you use like colored duct tape? Like all the different colors? Yeah, there's colored tape.

There's printed tape. Where do you get it? Where do you get this wonderful tape? Shut up. Usually an art store like Michael's or something. They've got different types of tape. Do you have an Etsy shop? Is this where you sell it?

Or do you just make it for yourself? Mostly myself. So you have purses for yourself? Do you have a tape wallet on you right now? No. Shit! I lost my wallet, and I'm just using my passport. How do you lose a sticky wallet?

Can't you just make another one? Someone broke into my car a second time. Wow. This is when I was living in it. I got worried about your wallets I gotta break in again Wow You love tape

Yeah What else do you do for fun? I feel like there's something we're not really tapping into I feel like you have some special skill You seem like a smart guy Thank you Is there anything else Something else that you do for fun? Yeah man guy. Thank you. Is there anything else, like, something

else that you do for fun? Yeah, man. Are you like a Boggle World Champion or something? Yeah. Boggle World Champion? Yeah, like, sometimes, for example, like, I'll sign on to my PlayStation, and I'll play a game of Madden online against a random stranger, and I'll put my

headset on, and I'll just play, and then about halfway through the game I start explaining to them that I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world and it's a fun little thing I do every once in a while I uh well last time I was here you

you asked me about like my love life and stuff yeah what did we find out then was it on hold kinda I was like seeing prostitutes oh Yeah, what did we find out then? Was it on hold? Kind of. I was like seeing prostitutes. Prostitutes, that's right. Oh!

Finally somebody wants to be honest and interesting. Remember? I remember this guy. Don't you talk about my mama like that. Remind me of what we found out. I did some back page stuff and just like went to their hotel rooms. This is while I was living in my car, but I don't live in my car anymore. Very good.

No, this city needs more homeless! That's probably why you can't afford prostitutes anymore. Yeah, it was one of the things. I just needed to grow up, so I stopped doing that, too. Right. Have you had sex with a normal Willing

Consenting person Since then Yes Prostitutes are all of those things Yeah that's true Unpaid Well I guess Yeah

I had Yeah I had a date with like A girl when I was visiting Family in New York And then She came to LA And I came down there

And came there Say your name Brady Holt in New York and then she came to LA and I came down there and came there. Say your name. Brady Holt. I could tell you really wanted to. Alright, well, I mean, I guess that's that for you, Brady. Did you have any scares?

Did you get any diseases? Did your dick bubble when you peed? Wait, what? You always wore a condom with the prostitutes, right? Yeah, always. Made out of tape. I've got health care, so I'm good. That's not how it works, man. My health care will totally take care of this HPV I have the best health care

security guards have special health care here in San Francisco alright there he goes Brady Hold ladies and gentlemen thank you there he goes rest in peace back beds you're so creepy what? I. Rest in peace, Backpage.

You're so creepy. What? I said rest in peace, Backpage. It's gone now. That's such a creepy thing to say to somebody, just because you guys both hired hookers off the internet at one point in your lives. Yahoo classifieds. Hey, RIP.

RIP to our hooker days, dude. I pulled another name out. Put your hands together for Sarah DeForest. Here we go. Finally. Finally. Great, always welcome female energy. Sarah DeForest, ladies and gentlemen. Come on.

All right. So you guys might be surprised to hear that I like to do drugs on occasion. Whoa. Yeah, I do cocaine sometimes. Yeah. But I do it in a very introverted, 30-something way where I'll just do a few lines on a Saturday night and then curl up with a good book. Fucking speed read through Jane Austen. I got 200 pages to get through today before book club tomorrow. Break out the blow.

Let's see. My boyfriend, he was a fat kid, but it's actually great for me because he has no portion control when he eats me out. Thank you very much. That's all I wanted. Hell yeah. I think Elvis might have your closer trademark there. Fuck yeah, Sarah DeForest. That was fun. Thank you. Yeah.

Is that true? You don't really seem... Was that supposed to be a joke? Like, are you supposed to not look like you do drugs? You think you look like you do drugs? No. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. But I do occasionally. But then when I tell people, they're always shocked. What kind of drugs? Like, aspirin? Yeah, exactly. I'll do – well, I mean, now weed is legal. Sounds like pretty much everything.

No, no. I'll do, you know, obviously smoke weed and then Coke once in a while. Once in a while. Do you ever roofie yourself? I know all my friends that do Coke totally do it every once in a while. You know what I mean?

It's totally how they do it. Just once and then a while later. Exactly. Wow. Good for you, I say. Wait, what? I like that she does coke. Yeah.

Well, there you go. You ever do psychedelics? I've done mushrooms once, but I haven't done anything else. Did you enjoy it? Huh? Did you enjoy it? Huh? Did you enjoy it? It was... Where'd you do it, man?

I did it in Amsterdam. I was in college, and it was like... Aunt Frank house, huh? Yeah. What? Our friend Duncan Trussell told me that's the best place to do shrooms. All right. Best worst place.

One time I snorted a line of My Doll and it was crazy. Is that the redneck talking? I don't know. It's like Pee Wee Herman instead. What? All right. Sarah, what do you do for a living? I do marketing

for a startup. Marketing. Oh, shit. Sarah, you said that you have a boyfriend. How long have you been with your boyfriend? About two years.

Two years? Do I sound like that? Sarah, how long have you had an echo? Sarah. I can't get away from it. Sarah, what does your boyfriend do for work? He's a lawyer. What kind of law?

Like criminal defense? He's a redneck lawyer. He's a what? He's a redneck lawyer. Wow. I feel like I'm just stuck in this thing. Stop repeating me. Stop repeating me.

On the playground again. Sarah, can I give you some advice? Stop fighting it. Stop fighting it. You're making it hard for girls to want to be on this show. That's not true at all. We've made fun of every guy that's been pulled out of the fucking bucket tonight.

Yeah, we all sit there and just keep working in this house, baby. We are equal opportunities. This is what it feels like. We've mimicked the voice of every person up here that is you.

Exactly. You don't have to be such a sore Hillary Clinton about it. You know what I mean? There we go. Okay, Okay first off that's offensive Wow that's so fun How long have you been doing stand up

About three years Three years all here in San Francisco Right Okay What the fuck About three years, I don't know. Three years. All here in San Francisco, right? Uh-huh. Okay. All right, Jeremy. Jeremiah, Jesus. What the fuck? He can't stop now.

He literally has no less is more inside of him. He just goes until people stop laughing. It's amazing. And that's coming from one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Yes, it is. That's true. I agree. That's why I love him. She looks like Mom Petty.

She does look like Mom Petty. You hear the Joel Berg chants. It's real. Live. Wow. Sarah, so you've been with your boyfriend for three years. That's fun. What do you like about him? What's your favorite thing? Let's see.

He's a lot of fun. He's fun? Yeah, he likes to make up little songs sometimes. Oh, I see what you're trying to do. I just said Jesus. Does he play a guitar when he makes up these songs? Yeah. Is his name Frank?

He's probably a beginner level guitar player. Oh, okay. Fuck yeah. Let's get to the point. Let's roll another joint. Sarah, what do you do for fun? Any cool hobbies or skills or talents? If there was a book written about you,

what would be one of the cooler parts? I could play the trumpet. What? Guys, give her your trumpet. Where is it? Where is it? Man, how about other than the trumpet? Skin flute?

Can you just sort of, can you maybe, since we don't have a trumpet, can you maybe hum one of your... Whoa, whoa, whoa. What does poop have to do with this? All right, What else? There's a kazoo in the room. Do you want to play that? Anything other than trumpet?

You like nationally known risk players? Pizza club! What? I just joined one. Yeah, I had a couple slices. Pizza club. Is that a real thing? We get together every month and go get pizza. That's a great idea. Right? Isn't one. Yeah. Yeah, I had a couple slices. Pizza Club. Is that a real thing? We get together every month and go get pizza at different places.

That's a great idea. Right? Isn't it? Yeah. Jeremiah, what the fuck? What's going to change for you? You won't be eating pizza by yourself now? No.

Everyone can get in bed with me. Yeah. I get to eat pizza with other people. Did I say Pizza Club? I meant Cat Club. Yeah, pizza's just her cat's name. Is that true? You do have a cat, right?

You have to. You really don't? I don't. You don't have any pets? No. Etsy store? I don't. That was the last of the duct tape guys.

I know, but you seem like you would also have one. No crafts. Like mittens. Make mittens? No. What type of stuff do you like to do at nighttime? Like if you're not doing stand-up, like to hang out or something cool. You ever go to concerts or anything like that?

You ever just go somewhere and get attacked by six men at once? Oh. I haven't tried that. On a Saturday afternoon. Yeah, out of nowhere. Completely not signed up for it. Just out of nowhere they attack you. I go to a lot of comedy shows.

I love Doug Love's movies. Oh, cool. I saw you last night and Jeremiah. Oh, cool. Very fun. It was fun. Sarah, it was a fun minute. Fun times. I saw you last night and Jeremiah oh cool Sarah it was a fun minute fun times rock and roll

thanks for coming on the show it was nice to meet you there she goes Sarah DeForest Sarah DeForest Sarah DeForest alright how about we do a little special treat All right. How about we do a little special treat? Oh!

Special treats? Wow. They love special treats. Here's one for you. You know this young lady who's going to be performing a brand new minute for you right now because she was built through the Kill Tony system. Started with us years ago, was under 21. When she was 21, she came back killer. Former regular of Kill Tony, the one and only Allie Makovsky.

Holy shit. Lioness San Francisco. Hi. I cut off my hair, and now when people see me, they're just like, Let's go. One shot. Hi. I cut off my hair, and now when people see me, they're just like, hmm, I bet she has a lot of opinions. I don't. I just need a lot of attention.

I did go to Coachella recently, as you can tell by the boots. I went to Coachella, but it was very last minute. I didn't know where I was going to stay. So on my drive over, I posted on my Instagram story. I was like, hey, does anyone have a place for me to stay at Coachella? And this stranger DM'd me and he was like, there's a couch in my hotel room. I was like, this sounds like the beginning to a Dateline episode. But I love Dateline. So I stayed with him and he didn't even try to touch me, not once. In this day and age,

did he hate me? I have two older sisters and they're really hot. I'm the ugliest of my three sisters, but I know I'm not that ugly because when I tell a guy that I have older sisters, they always want to see pictures.

If you're ugly and you tell a guy that you have older sisters, they'll just be like, oh, what do they do? Fuck yeah. A new minute from Allie Makovsky. How cool is that? You know her. You love her. And she's here, live in San Francisco.

Hi. Hell yeah. There's's here, live in San Francisco. Hi. There's so many hot guys in San Francisco. Not here, but in San Francisco. Look who's doing the roast and that little baby gorilla's all grown up. Aww. So that's fun. How's life been? We haven't seen you

in a while. Yeah, life's good. I still work at a Wings restaurant. And I mentioned that on Kill Tony and now people have come in getting wings saying, I listened to you on Kill Tony and they do not

tip. Maybe you're just a bad waitress. I am. Stand up for my fans. I think you might not be doing the very best job you could be maybe you're just a bad waitress. I am. Stand up for my fans. I think, you know, you might not be doing the very best job you could be doing at this chicken place. I think I make that joke every time you bring up

an organic wing place. So stupid. What's the place called? I'm a bad tipper. I'll tell you later. Okay. It'll cost you later. Okay. It'll cost you an arm and a leg. Finally.

All right. Well, that's fun. What else is going on in life? I mean, you know, everything exciting. You're up here in San Francisco. Yeah, San Francisco's been fun. I don't know, man. Just honestly taken aback by the hot guys here.

My barista this morning was hot as shit. He also probably loves cock. That's fine. That's fine. I have an androgynous vibe. I was swiping on Tinder and Bumble, and the only guys that match with me are guys that do not identify

as guys. Wow. It's my type. I got a thing up here. Wait, what the hell does that mean? You know how like you have the hair of a girl but you have a dick? What if you just didn't associate

any of those things with anything? And then you fucked me. Witch! Witch! Hang her! Hang her! Transgender porn is pretty hot, though. When a guy has tits fucking another girl, that's one of the hottest shits ever. So, Ali, you're single. You should see me do it.

Hey, man, if it's not a trainee working on a NASCAR track, then I'm not a fan. Are you really on all those apps? Yeah, I don't really use them much, but when I'm traveling, I like to see what the natives are all about. Right. It's fun seeing where their pictures are taken because in L.A., it's always a picture of them with angel wings as a mural. Yeah.

But here, everyone's at the Golden Gate Bridge. Have you matched with anyone? I mean, have you been in communications with someone here in San Francisco since being here? No, I always start a conversation, then just leave it. Really? What? That's called the baiting bitch right there. You're on a lot of the dating sites, white trash guy?

Hell yeah, man. Blackpeoplemeet.com. Somebody yelled out Farmers only Fuck you He wishes he could date a farmer Well that's fun So fun But no plans on like

Meeting up with any of these San Francisco people You strictly just leave a message And then never respond Ever Well it just never works out What then never respond? Ever? Well, it just never works out. What do you mean? Everyone talks like, everyone

talks a good game on the apps and then I just, uh, there's no follow through. What are we gonna do? I'm pretty sure someone's gonna rape you after this episode, so. Yeah, I'll eat your pussy right now. What do you mean they don't follow through?

They're like, hey, what up? And you're like, hey, wanna fuck? And they're like, ooh, I'm sorry, wrong number Like that I think I just chicken out Oh, well that's probably from working at the Wings place A little bit too much Yeah, yeah from working at the Wings place a little bit too much. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah. Like, what's an example of you... I guess I don't want to go too deep into it. I don't have any good examples either. Alright, well, let's keep moving through. Okay. It's fun. Allie's going to be doing guest spots on shows tonight. Yeah. During the stand-up shows that we do later on. So that to be doing guest spots on shows tonight.

Yeah. During the stand-up shows that we do later on. So that'll be fun for you guys to see. Full set. Full guest set. And fun times. Okay, bye. Thanks so much.

Bye. Doug, anything for Allie? She was great. Yeah. As always. Yeah, amazing. Good to see you. So fun.

The great Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, make some noise. She opens for Joe Rog to see you. So fun. The great Allie McCoskey, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, make some noise. She opens for Joe Rogan sometimes now. How about that? You got to watch her career start,

you spoiled brats. You guys don't even know what's going on. Fuck yeah. Back to the bucket we go. Who knows what can happen? Put your hands together for Michael Brown. Michael Brown.

Michael Brown. Here we go. Here he comes. When I was in high school, there was a public access show where you could call in and they'd help you with your homework. So one day after school, my friends and I called in for help with a math problem. And the woman says, so tell me the problem. We said, it's a word problem. She said, okay.

A train leaves Chicago traveling east at 50 miles per hour. There's a 30 mile per hour headwind. Another train leaves 10 minutes later from Philadelphia traveling 30 miles per hour with a five mile per hour headwind in the other direction. A car leaves Winnipeg up north traveling 75 miles per hour south. Are you following? I'm not a math guy, but are you following? This is good, okay.

Another train leaves California, traveling about 75 miles per hour, this time heading north towards Winnipeg. Woo! towards Winnipeg. I don't think the band's supposed to play until they give up. Wait. Solve for blueberries. I feel like you came in a little early. Hold on, wait, wait, wait.

Say it one more time. Well, the punchline is solve for blueberries. Yeah. That's fine. That's exactly what I was thinking. Wait, wait, wait. Can I just say, I think if he tells it one more time,

we'll all understand it. All right, let's get into it, Michael. You had me at hello and lost me at math problem Right Michael, why do you look like you're halfway into turning into a werewolf right now? Like, what is this? You have extremely prominent everything

I've never realized I'd pull a young Obi-Wan Kenobi out of the bucket Man, I didn't know Bert and Ernie had a kid Man, how long has know Bert and Ernie had a kid. Man, how long has Clay Aiken had eight? Leave him alone, you guys. He looks like Pee Wee Herman on the first day of lumberjack school. My goodness. Wow.

Wow, wow. What is that shirt? Is that from the Hawaiian Punch edition? It looks literally like the type of tissue paper you put in a gift bag or something like that. Did you decide to ditch the tie last minute? All right, Michael. Let's talk about it. All right, let's do it. Where do you think it started to go wrong?

I'm here for you tonight. I'll tell you right where it started to go wrong. When you put that shirt on before leaving the house. It was when I said, all the way to the top, and then I went for it. Yeah. Yeah. No, I wrote a set, and then I was looking over,

and I realized it was very long. So I decided to pull out a joke that I used at a wedding for a wedding toast, and it killed. It crushed at the wedding. Why didn't you use it tonight? Yeah, take that out until you have a solid minute of no laughs. I was reading it, so yeah. That's pretty smart. I felt like I was in a car accident, and I'm coming to, you know, I'm passed out right now. I feel like I'm still passed out.

No, it's okay, Michael. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've never done stand-up. First time ever. There you go. That's something good. Follow-up question. How long have you been doing math?

Not since high school. Follow-up question. How long have you been doing wedding toasts? Yeah. What was the wedding? Who was the wedding that you did that amazing? What was the punchline one more time? Soft or strawberry?

No, it was solve for blueberries. The whole joke was there was a very long word problem, and at the end you solved for something that wasn't the problem. Solve for blueberries. Solve for blueberries. Solve for blueberries. What are you talking about? He may have come up with the smartest punchline in history. I was at the wedding.

It was when the count married Snuffleupagus. One. Michael, what do you do for a living? I'm a project manager at a tech company. At a tech company. A project manager at a tech company. See, the thing about the tech company people is they never tell you what company they work for.

Well, yeah, because we don't want to get fired. Right. So it always just is like a dead end. At least in L.A., you can just pretty much only be Uber drivers. I also have a podcast. I co-host a podcast. Oh, I bet you do. It's not a comedy podcast, though.

No, we know. Of course. It's more of like a problem-solving podcast for those of you that like solving riddles. Math problems. The Riddler over here. It's just long math problems, and then the answer doesn't make any sense.

That's a good podcast. Yeah, it's a good one. Check it out. Wow. What do you do for fun? What are you into? I watch movies. Yeah?

Other than that? I play softball. I play hockey. Wow. What position are you on the softball field? I'm a center fielder. Really? Really.

Wow. Do you assign yourself that position? No. One of my best friends, he's the captain. He's here tonight. The skip. The skip's in the building. Wow. Do you assign yourself that position? No. One of my best friends, he's the captain. He's here tonight, the skip. The skip's in the building. Wow. The skip is in the building.

Let's skip that whole part. Wow. Yes. Yes, indeed. What's the name of your softball team? The Productive Outs. I thought it was the math amphetamines. Wow. That's so cool. It is now.

Wow. Michael. Interesting. You have so much hair all over your face. It's very impressive. Do you know what ethnicity you are? Yeah, I'm Irish, Italian, French for the most part.

Oh, white. Can we just keep thinking of other softball names for his team, like the Summer Ball Queers. The Tommy Boo Hamas. You guys are on fire over there. Oh, boy. All right. Well, Michael, what else?

What else do you think is interesting? What are you afraid of? What scared you? To be honest, the biggest fear I have is relapsing. I'm two and a half years sober. Wow. Wow. What are you sober from?

Shaving? Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah? What was it? What was the whole thing? Can you talk about it?

Barber's salt. No, no. I'll talk about it. Yeah? I'm open about it. Absolutely. What was it? What was it? What? Can you talk about it? I'll talk about it. I'm open about it. Yeah. What was it? What was it?

What were you into? Yeah. Oh, drinking? Sorry. Just drinking? Yeah, drinking, and then that would lead to other things occasionally. How old are you? 30.

And how much were you drinking? Let's say a lot. I would work about 100 hours a week. You'd work 100 hours a week? You'd work 100 hours a week? I would work 100 hours a week, and then seven days a week, I would go out and drink after work. Seven days a week? Yeah, so I was sleeping like three hours a night and then getting up and working. You're describing my life.

Yeah, exactly. I know. It's really scary because I've been doing that for 11 years. I took a day off the other day. Seven days a week. So how many drinks during the seven days a week were you drinking? As much as I could get down. I got a better question.

You were blackout drunk every day? Yep. Were you addicted to the booze or the little umbrellas in the drink? Yeah. Pina Colada guy over here. Wow. Fuck yeah. So what was your drink of choice?

Pina Coladas. Sex on the beat. I would drink whatever was around Come on You can do better than that No real alcoholics Hey, whatever's around You just finished the drinks They were half finished at the bar

It wasn't Budweiser It was Jameson I think Jameson was mainly my drink I think Jameson Why would you remember? It was a bad time It's not tempting anymore, sorry Yeah

Jesus, Red Band, you weirdo. Red Band just reached his glass out and asked him if he wanted a sip. I just want him to unbutton his top button. I think a little Jameson might help. Do you smoke cigarettes? I do, yeah. Do you have a hole in your neck? Is that why?

That's why. I'm covering the stone. We do not want to see that hole. Yeah, you don't want to see that. I really hate want to see that hole. Yeah, you don't want to see that. I really hate that style, that button shit. Do you do that, Doug? Button it up like that? Invisible tie look.

Like a short-sleeved shirt? It doesn't make sense. Yeah, like Urkel. It makes you think? It makes you think? Yeah, we know you're all into leaving. You don't need to distract us from the math problems with thinking about your neck hole.

It's the mystery. Michael, how's your love life? How's that going? It's decent. I mean, I just started dating someone about a month ago. Did you meet her in a sobriety meeting? No, I met her on Bumble. Whoa.

Does she drink? She does. Does she call you a pussy because you don't drink? She does. Red band, you're not supposed to say that to people. Red band. You know what she did

this time, man. Does she call you a pussy, though? No, she does not. Most people are pretty supportive of my sobriety. She doesn't ever do a shot at Jameson and never just be like, well, to each his own. Yeah. She pulls a red band and is like, you know her? Right. Yeah.

But she'll drink in front of you, but you're like at a point where you're cool with it. Yeah. I'm totally fine with it. How long do you say you've been seeing her? Good for you. Does she look at you? A month. Maybe a month and a half.

A month. And you met on Bumble and you took her out on a date. Where was the first date to? Alexander's Steakhouse. Whoa, we got a bougie bitch on stage right here. That's a local place, right? It's a chain. Is it J. Alexander's?

Is that what you're talking about? J. Alexander's? Just Alexander's. There's one in San Francisco. All right, yeah. And you took her, would you get their steak? I like the filet I'm a filet guy

Like it when they butterfly that shit? No no no I like it raw I like it rare Hell yeah Alright and Did you hook up on the first night with her? No I'm a gentleman please That means she didn't want to fuck you the first night with her? No, I'm a gentleman, please That means she didn't want to fuck you the first night

Sober ass I'm a gentleman when I have to be Alright Alright, Michael There you go, it was nice to meet you Hey, can I plug my podcast? With permission? I don't know, let's ask the crowd

Can he plug his podcast? No, I'm sorry. They're the true deciders. Everything's around them. I'm sorry. Michael Brown, if they follow you on Twitter, then they'll find it at MBCOMN. There he goes, everybody. Michael Brown on Twitter

at MBCOMN. MBCOMN. I didn't know we were in the freaking coliseum out here. Like, can I plug my podcast? No! Get off the stage! No, I like that. We will release the lions in this audience!

A lion will eat you! Hey. Very rarely do we leave it in the audience's hands. That's a special little San Francisco thing right there. San Francisco cheat. Let's poll the liberals. I think he still said it anyway

at the end there. I think he slipped it in. Alright, this person's got a cool name. Put your hands together for Grayson Gibson. I don't see any... Oh, here we go. Here comes Grayson Gibson. He's got quite the stride.

Here he comes. Grayson Gibson, ladies and gentlemen. How we doing tonight, everybody? Put your hands together for Tony Hitchcliffe, everyone. Kind of worked. It was okay. I come from a really diverse family, you guys. They're really small, but we're diverse. My dad, he's half black and 100% gay.

Wow, it worked in San Francisco. Wow. And my mom is dead. Thank you, guys. Thank you. But before that, she was Jewish. I don't know if that counts as a race or ethnicity. I've noticed some similarities. Some similarities between stand-up and sex. Low lights.

Intimate setting. I'm wearing a condom thank god that worked thank you guys I am Grayson Gibson yes hell yeah fuck yeah

I never thought I would get to interview the great Henry Rollins before, but here we are. Always. You're doing great. Always tell the audience, like, yes, that worked. Oh, you're enjoying this. This is going great. Very smart.

Very smart. That's funny. I'm sorry. Also, you ran from over there. It was a much quicker route. Just come right up here You went all the way around the room That's why you were out of breath

How you doing Grayson? I'm nervous I'm nervous guys Can you tell? How many How long have you been on stand up? A little less than two years About 40 or 50 sets

So it's been off and on for two years Right That's interesting Okay 40, 50 sets Two years Alright So about once every two weeks for two years. Right. That's interesting. Okay. 40, 50 sets, two years. All right. So about once every two weeks for two years. About once every two weeks.

Yeah. All right. Cool. Oh, shit. All right. Oh, people are moving around. That was scary. I thought some situation was happening.

Truder, obviously, Chroma Chris had to. Take a little shit. Yeah, exactly. I hate to say this because we're talking to this guy And he's great But can I have another Tito's and soda Wow

I'll have a turkey ginger Grayson Grayson Why Alright Brian That sounds like a weird Sex request So

Alright Redhead with his Fat arms please That's what I was sort of driving at I'm starting to be concerned with What's happening with this audience He mentioned his dead mom And a guy literally yelled out

Yeah dead mom I like that guy That guy I'm for it What do you do for work? Why do you look like the The mean guy at the psych ward? Wait, wait.

Can I guess? Software company. No. I got this guy for like an evil male nurse or something like that. He's on his way to a BJ Novak lookalike contest. Hey, you got a lot of office references. I do. I will mention every fucking person on that show.

We have a huge crossover with The Office, as you can tell by that BJ Novak rippling through the room. All right. Answer the question, Grayson Gibson, if that really is your name. Is that just a law firm you saw one day? It is my real name. It is my real name. Yeah. I lost my job about two months ago.

I managed a pizza place for a little while. Did you do that with another guy and a girl? What was the pizza place? Papa Jan's. Papa Murphy's. I love Papa Murphy's. Close enough. How did you lose your job? Did you get fired?

No, no, luckily they closed down Luckily they closed down Best way to lose a job I don't think Papa Murphy would be happy to hear you say That you think it was luck that they closed down I gave him my job Wait, why would he be Italian? His last name is Murphy

What did you do at the pizza place? Wait, why would he be Italian? His last name is Murphy. What did you do at the pizza place? Made a lot of pizzas. I managed that spot, yeah. Oh, you managed and you were also a chef at the pizza place. Right, right, right. How long did you work there? About three years.

Wow, so now what are you doing? You're a couple months out of a job. I'm back in school full time. It gave me an opportunity to go back to school. Pizza school. Very good. A lot of people worked at Salisbury College with pizza. English. I'm an English major. I heard

that you can do a lot with that after college. So good luck. Yeah. With your Papa Murphy accepting the call on your resume. I think everything is going to go perfect. How would that go, Brian? 100%. Why would you ever get an English degree?

That is literally the worst degree you could probably get. You're right. You're absolutely right. Babies know that shit. Are you going gonna teach English? And that's college advice from Brian Fredham That's right Literally

Yeah Brian went to college for four years To learn how to press buttons Yes He has a Website Podcast I'd like to be a writer I'd like to be a writer one day Really I'd like to be a writer one day.

Really? You could do that right now. What do you want to write? He's trying to learn English first. I bet he... What do you want to write? Manifestos? He looks like he's manifested some kids.

You know what I'm saying? Wow. Great. You want to write some wrongs? Are you a secret superhero? Why are you only doing it once every two weeks? What else are you doing at night time? What's going on? The area that I live in, there's not a lot of

opportunities. Tell us what area it is. A black neighborhood? Alright. What are you talking about? There's not a lot of opportunities where you live. Can you name the area so that these San Franciscans can make a noise and I'll see what... Santa Rosa, California? Get off the stage, you

dumb bitch! There he is. Sure. I don't know. Good enough for me. Let's keep flying through it. Wait, wait, wait. He knows how to get off on a big laugh. Hey, man. That was totally a joke, man.

Like, I like you, man. Like, you can come back up here. For those of you listening to the podcast, Jeremiah pulled a latch and the guy went through the stage. This would be a shitty part of town. 100% of a joke. Are we making an episode of HBO's Baylor's? Wait, he's coming back.

He's coming back. Oh, he is? No, it's okay. We don't an episode of HBO's Bailers? He's coming back. Oh, he is? We don't need you. One more time for Grayson Gibson. We're running out of time here. What do you think? Fly through one more bucket? We go to the bucket one more time? What do you guys think? Yeah, just one more quick time.

This will be a quick one, and then we'll be done. Put your hands together for Katya. Katya? K-A-T-Y-A. Katya. Katya? Katya? No Katya? Katya?

No Katya. Interesting. Wow, is that a letter? You'd think at least Eric Jones would run up in a wig. All right, put your hands together for Kala Keller. K-A-L-A Keller. Hey, guys. I also have three kids,

but I have never gotten a boner at the dentist's office. But I am in charge of these three people's entire worldview, and that's a problem. And my daughter got pushed off the edge of a slide the other day, and she looked at me for hope and reassurance, and I was like, oh baby, all men are trash. All men are fucking trash, they're all garbage. She's like, even my brother, he's only two.

I'm like, especially that fucking kid. Over in the corner with a tap-out shirt on, chugging a Red Bull. We leave him here today. He stays at the park. He stays here. He becomes a man today. I hope he brought enough bread to feed these ducks indefinitely.

Because this is where he stays. This is where he stays. And I like to make memories with my kids. They have little hands. They make quick work. We like to garden together. And I'm like, oh, you guys are the best fucking trimmers I ever had. I don't have to pay you guys anything. Your little hands make such quick work. Mama's so proud.

Mama's so proud. All right. There you go. Calla Caller signing off. 54. How's it going, Calla? How are you? I'm good.

Did I say your name right? Kayla. Kayla. Yeah. Kayla Keller. I've never seen it spelled like that. Any relation to Helen Keller? No, but people would ask me that when I was a kid all the time.

I don't think she fucked a lot, did she? And to make up for not being Helen Keller, you decided that you would speak seven times faster than anyone. Yeah. Got to get it in where you can. I loved it. Yeah, get it in where you can. You talked so fast.

It was sort of hard to keep up. Your dad used to sell micro machines. Never mind. What? What was that? That's an 80s reference right there. Wow. I'm pretty sure. Red mind. What? What was that? That's an 80s reference right there. Red band! Wow. Alright, I got a 90s reference.

Your set was like watching a one minute David Mamet play. Oh no. I was born in 90s so I think it's beyond me. What character on The Office is David Mamet? Top rising comedian. Yeah. What do you do for work? What are you, an auctioneer? mammoth. Top rising comedian. What

do you do for work? What are you, an auctioneer? No. Yeah, I could be. I wish I could talk to you about tonight. It's one of my favorite things in the world. Here comes the punchline. One dollar, two dollar, two dollar, one joke, two dollars.

Jeremiah, what do you think about this? I'm in freaking love with this woman. Ah, this is your type. Do you have any tattoos by any chance? I do. Whoa, she's got tats, Jeremiah. What do you think about that? We could make it a fourth kid.

Okay. She is my Jeremiah. Oh, Jeremiah. Wow. I guess... I guess the character technically isn't a married man. Jeremiah likes him when they have kids because he knows at least they've had sex before. At least three times.

Jeremiah found a loophole. Kayla, how long have you been doing stand-up? One year. What do you do for work? I raise my children. How many kids do you have? I have three. Wow. That's cool. Did you you do for work? I raise my children. How many kids do you have? I have three. Wow.

That's cool. Did you get the daddy stitch? Did you get the daddy stitch? Yeah, I'm a great father. I'm a great father. Jesus Christ, Brian. Wow. I didn't realize you could be drunk by 630.

Can't wait to see those guest spots later. Sure, that's going to go totally fine. What kind of tattoos you got? All right. Put that arm down. Stop doing that. That's not sexy. I hate to be a party pooper, guys,

but I made a deal with the club that we could not possibly go over a certain amount of time. So Kayla, I unfortunately have to dismiss you. So there goes Kayla Keller, everybody. I'm sorry, everyone. A hard out's a hard out. That was great. You guys have

the longest episode of Kill Tony that's ever happened, and it's history, by the way. Yeah. Coming in at easily two hours. And before it's all over, I brought one more special treat for you. You know this young lady as, uh, you know

this young lady is an absolute legend on Kill Tony. She took a Greyhound bus to be here for this moment today. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever on a road Kill Tony, I present to you the great and powerful Aphrodite! Look at that shit.

Holy shit! Holy shit! Look at the outline! Oh my god! By the way, this is the first ever standing ovation in Kill Tony history. History!

ever standing ovation in Kill Tony history. Wow. A standing O. Yeah. Here she is. Aphrodite, Gentlemen. What's up? What's up? I love you too. All right. I got something special for you today. Hello. How are you doing? It was a wonderful ride up here. Somebody shit on the bus.

Made my day. But I got a special little song I want to do for you yeah you feeling good alright in just a minute for you San Francisco yeah these are real titties, by the way. And my booty says hello.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. That's all real, too. As soon as I get my intro. Yeah, I love you. Here you go Something for you I love you Wait a second

What happened? He fucked me up Turn your heads I'm killing him Oh shit That's a different one Oh wow Can we get the right

Fucking song right there The wrong one Red band What the fuck Red band Hey Shit, that's a different one. Can we get the right fucking song right there? The wrong one, Red Band. What the fuck? Red Band. Hey, no more. What'd I do this time? That's fine.

No more turkey gingers, bartenders. There we go. I'll lift my butthole. No. Jeremiah. Shut up! All right, we're going to have an RG to make up after this, okay? I got enough ass for everybody.

Okay, here we go. When does this thing start? Yes, you do. Some of y'all I'm going to charge. Is this it? Yeah. There you go. It's an opening words.

Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah In San Francisco It's Afro 90, San Francisco, come on! I've been here Oh yeah, yeah Ooh baby It calls to me Yeah, yeah, baby

To those little cable cars Yeah, yeah Climb halfway to the stars Then morning fall again In my chilly hair I don't fucking care My love waits here Yeah

In San Francisco, yeah, above the blue. When I come home To all of you Oh my San Francisco Your golden sun Is gonna shine Your golden sun is going to shine on me. Afro Dirty. That's Phil Tony, San Francisco. Afro Dirty, stay up here.

We're going to take a picture. That's the end of the show. Yeah, baby. We love you guys so much. Thank you. That's Kill Tony. San Francisco. I love you.

Ali Makovsky. Aphrodite. Jeremiah Watkins. Doug Benson. Anything you want to plug or anything crazy? I love you guys. Douglovesmovies.com. Bunch of fun gigs coming up.

Jeremiah, anything for you? Yeah, y'all. I got CDs and inflatable saxophones right outside. Let's freaking do this, y'all. Joelberg, what's up? I'm at MostlySorry on Instagram. Follow me, you fucks. Thanks for coming. Yeah, we're going to Detroit

and Grand Rapids, Lansing, Austin, and Dallas all in the month of September. Fort Wayne, Indiana in a couple months. And another big announcement. We are probably coming up here on Monday. I think so. Another fun one. Live audience, thank you so much.

Thank you. Brian Redband. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. Have a good night. We're all doing stand-up, two shows. I think there still might be tickets available, maybe, for the 7.30 and 9.45. Listen to

Jeremiah Wonders. Thank you, live audience. Good night. Yeah, yeah. Love you, live audience. Good night. Yeah, yeah. Love you, San Francisco. San Francisco. Cinco de Mayo's on Tuesday. And I hoped we'd see each other again. You killed my brother.

Bye-bye. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.