KILL TONY - KILL TONY #268

Episode Date: May 25, 2018

Bert Kreischer, Bobby Lee, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 05/21/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website deathsquSquad.tv. There you can find all the past episodes, including video portions of all the shows and all the stuff that we do at Death Squad. You can also check out our tour dates. Click on tour dates, and there you can get tickets to see Kill Tony every Monday

at the World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. Or we are always on the road. We are coming to Detroit. We are coming to Indiana. We are even maybe Cleveland. A bunch of new dates are being added all the time. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website that has some tour dates on there.

Also, and all the information you need of the Golden Pony, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He drew every episode. He drew the poster. He drew the book. Go to his website to get a bunch of cool shit. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv.

There you have all the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including Death Squad hats and mugs and shirts. But we also have the new Kill Tony number two shirt, the second shirt that we've done. That's up for pre-order right now, so get in your pre-orders so you can guarantee

your shirt. Just click on Kill Tony by going to shop squad dot tv. Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rampant coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for

Tony Hinchcliffe. Hey everybody. Hi. Welcome. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Make some fucking noise. Yeah. Brian Redman is here. Ryan J. Ebelts drawing tonight's episode. And Kill Tony is a booming.

We just got back from lovely San Francisco where we had an amazing sold-out show that featured a lot of special surprises. Secret guest Doug Benson, Ali Makovsky did a brand-new minute, former regular was there, and to close the episode doing a rendition of I Left My Heart in San Francisco,

the great and powerful Aphrodite closed out the show, getting a standing ovation upon arrival from real Kill Tony fans. I don't know what this pussy ass crowd's about so far. But I'm pretty excited to be back here. Another fun time. We have a lot more road Kill

Tonys coming up soon, don't we? And we have breaking news. Because June 17th, for the first time ever, getting their own Kill Tony, Portland, Oregon, at the Portland Helium Comedy Club, one of the greatest comedy clubs in the world. And guess what? We have another announcement. Getting their first ever Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen, Cleveland, Ohio on August 1st. Wow.

Which is right before Kill Tony three days later, the 4th of August in Fort Wayne, Indiana. And is different than our Kill Tonys in September in Lansing, Grand Rapids, Detroit with our guest Danny Brown. in Lansing, Grand Rapids, Detroit, with our guest Danny Brown. And then the next week, Austin, Texas, and Houston, Texas, and Dallas, motherfucking Texas. We're going all over the place. You didn't even say Skank Fest.

Yes, that's true. Breaking news. Kill Tony is also doing Skank Fest, the weekend of July 13th and 14th, one of the coolest comedy festivals. And there just so happens to be any listeners in Montreal. I don't want to leak anything, but I heard a rumor that they have a big comedy festival there, and there's a slight chance that something might be happening there with, I mean,

why not book the number one live podcast in the world if you're going to have a comedy festival, right? Up-and-coming comedy festival. We celebrate our five-year anniversary on June 18th here with Joe Rogan and Dom Irera and a ton of special treats and exciting things happening. Is there tickets for that still? Did we release more

tickets? They did release more tickets. I think they're gone but there's a slight chance that more will be released as we go because we're going to figure out what to logistically do with comedians. We're thinking about maybe running out the belly room. Sort of like lining them up in that back hallway if they could just keep their mouths shut

or something like that. I don't know. That sounds like a bad idea. I know it does sound like a bad idea. Maybe we'll just have you guys stand in that lobby area. That's the way to do it. Either that or you could pay for a fucking ticket, you spoiled assholes. Hell yeah. If I was a comedian

back when I started, I'd sign up for this thing. Tom Segura is going to be the guest the week after the five-year anniversary, so there's a little fun fact for you. If you can't get tickets to the five-year, why don't you come the next week? Hang out with one of our favorites, Tom Segura. Old fatty. Speaking of our

favorites, and speaking of Tom Segura old fatty speaking of our favorites uh and speaking of uh tom segura and speaking of this amazing show every single week i give you uh one or two of the funniest human beings uh in town some of the greatest comedians on the planet this week's no different you've seen these guys on this show before and on many other great things make some noise for the motherfucking machine bur Bert Kreischer and Bobby Lee. What? What? Huh? Yeah, baby. Here we are. Back in the saddle again. Bert Kreischer, Bobby Lee. You know these guys. We love these guys.

Comedy store monsters. They are back on the show. Welcome back, guys. What's going on? I'm pretty good, buddy. Who the fuck did that? Who the fuck did that? That was racist.

Welcome back, Bobby Lee. It's been a while. It's been a while. I had tonight off, so I go, hey, are you still doing your Cool Tony? Yeah, I'm doing Cool Tony. And I go, I'm available for Cool Tony. Hell yeah.

And he said, do it. And then he said, this fat fuck was going to be here too. I love fat fucks. Bert Kreischer is back ladies and gentlemen what's up everybody welcome back thank you Tony I love doing this show we love you

two fun guys to meet comedians with and hang out and see what their lives are all about look at this eclectic crowd pumping in here guys ukulele hanging out of the back of his backpack. Wow, a black guy with a ukulele. What the fuck? What the fuck?

Holy shit. No, he's got to be Hawaiian. Oh, yeah, he's Hawaiian. Like Sonny Garcia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okie dokie. So we have other fun things, like a band. We do have a band, and every single week

they commit to doing different characters. You never know what they're going to do. In San Francisco, they were like white trash, Joe Dirt type of like characters. Sometimes they're prison breakout people. You never know what it's going to be. Sometimes it's brand new. So let's see what happens this week. It's one of our favorite things on this show.

It's the best damn band in the land. The Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, Chroma Chris. Here we go. What's going to happen? The anticipation is killing me. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

That doesn't look like Joel Jimenez at all. Wow. Watch your step, gentlemen. What was that? Now announcing the royal Kill Tony Band. Oh, this is going to be loud. Wow. Wow!

Jeremiah Watkins! Joel Jimenez! Chroma Chris! Fuck yes. More than I've ever fucked yes before. This is incredible. For those of you listening to the podcast, Jeremiah is a king. Joel and Chris are knights.

Wow. Fuck yeah! There has clearly been a 700% increase to the costume budget here on Kill Tony. Oh, shit. What a way for Jeremiah to spend his rent. I thought he wasn't making that much money. I finally started getting paid for Kill Tony.

money. I finally started getting paid for Kill Tony. How many inflatable saxophones did he sell in San Francisco? Wow. He looks like the only Lannister boy to survive. We have

Chroma Chris, silent but deadly over there. A white knight if I've ever seen one before. And then we have clearly Mega Man from the old Sega Genesis game. Playing drums tonight. And he's surrounded by the, well, I remember them. I love these fucking guys. It's the 10-piece brass band. Am I right about that?

The top shelf brass band. The I right about that? The top-shelf brass band. The top-shelf brass band, yes. Clearly tonight playing the characters of Bumblebees. Wow. I mean, that's by far... They have good thread counts. One of the most grandiose entrances I've ever seen on this show. Only fit for a king.

So this is exciting. Clearly Jeremiah is going to be a king, and we have some defenders of the universe backing him up. I'm excited as fuck for this. That's not even the entire show. I could end it right there, and we'd all have had fun. But there's a bucket filled with comedians' names in front of me. Sometimes it's a person's first time.

Sometimes they've been doing comedy 15 years and they're here to be discovered by the Internet. Thousands and hundreds of thousands of listeners around the world right now. And you never know what's going to happen. I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 uninterrupted seconds. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

Sounds like that. Almost can't wait to come out tonight. Wrap it up then, Earl. We're sure going to bring out the Angry West a kitten. Sounds like that. Almost can't wait to come out tonight. Wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You guys ready to start this shit or what? Here we are. Kill Tony. 200 and something.

Almost to three, I'm sure. 268. 268 this is. Is that how big Cigar is? Yeah, that's just labs. All right, I pulled a name out of the bucket. Going up first tonight, getting us started. 60 uninterrupted seconds goes to Sarah Fatimi.

Sarah Fatimi. Yes! Sarah Padme, ladies and gentlemen. I just moved here from Ohio a couple years ago. That's not the joke. And I feel more persecuted out here for being from the Midwest than for being Middle Eastern. For your information, stuck up LA people, we do have Uber. His name is Mike. When I first moved out to Hollywood, my mom was like, market yourself as Caucasian.

I'm like, the only Caucasian blood I have is on my car window shield. as Caucasian. I'm like, the only Caucasian blood I have is on my car window shield. Y'all do not. I only have one ovary. I got it removed last year. Well, one of them. I still have the other one. I will have children, I promise. I want to slowly drive by McDonald's and tell them we got rice at home hashtag Persian moms there you go it's almost like you didn't know that cat was coming Sarah Fatimi hell yeah perfect Sarah that's awesome

is this your first time on the show? yes pull the mic out from underneath that that's killing me yep all the way all the way all the way

yeah the cords underneath the mic stand mercury and retrograde still how the fuck is this taking so long there we go there we go there you go

look at that purse wow that looks like what Jeremiah's outfit came in yeah I'm Persian gold is part of my brand yeah oh I like the way you think actually so Sarah Jeremiah's outfit came in. I'm Persian. Gold is part of my brand. Yeah.

Oh, I like the way you think, actually. So, Sarah, how many kids do you have? How old do I look? Oh, zero. She's only got one ovary. Yeah. Yeah, what part of the show were you listening to? I thought she actually had kids in the car. No, no, no, no, no.

It was a joke. I couldn't hear the joke, but you drove by McDonald's and said... I'm going to slowly drive by McDonald's and tell my kids we got rice at home. That's for when I do have kids. What's that even mean? Oh, yeah. If you don't have kids yet, that's not the way you want to say that. It sounds like you have kids.

Oh, okay. But you have rice at home? Yeah, because I'm Persian. We eat everything with rice. What the? I like this jester very much. You think you eat everything with rice? How do you think Bobby feels over here?

He doesn't understand what's silly about it. It's odd that a Korean would not get a rice joke. I was thinking... I'm not going to get a rice joke. I was thinking... I like it when the little one is angry. You son of a fucking bitch, dude. You want fucking opening date, you fucking cocksucker? You haven't given me an opening date in two years.

I couldn't care less now. Look at me right now, Jerry. Jeremiah, I mean. Jerry? The fuck's your name? Anyway, wow. I apologize. I lashed out. I apologize.

No more Mr. Rice Guy. Oh, shit. Joel Berg, no, you can't. No, no, you can't. You can't kill him. You're not allowed to kill him, Bobby. Bobby just reached for the sword after Joel Berg nailed that't kill him. You're not allowed to kill him, Bobby. Bobby just reached for the sword after Joel Berg nailed that joke on him.

Oh, shit. There are just certain technical things. Can you give suggestions or no? Do whatever you want, Bobby. You've got to, first of all, connect with the audience, right? How are you? Just look at people in the eyes

and go, how are you guys? look at people in the eyes, you know what I mean? Go, how are you guys? Oh, I... Maybe bring the mic stand in back of you because it's a distraction when it's in front of you. Okay. I think the mic stand's not your strength. I would definitely take the approach that...

Pretend I don't know anything about Persians. Okay. So, like, I think that's a good approach. Sarahah how long you been on stand-up two years two years all in la yeah you're from la no i'm from ohio where were you tony all right very good tony tony walked away from your set not knowing that you're from Ohio and thinking you had children. Hey, I did forget about that Ohio part. You got me there.

Right side of the Civil War. Right. Where in Ohio? Toledo. Toledo. And how long have you been in LA? Three years. Three years. Would you do that first year

before starting to do stand-up? I came out here for school. Where'd you go to school? Loyola Marymount. What stand-up? I came out here for school. Where'd you go to school? Loyola Marymount. What'd you study there? Writing and producing for television. Ah, interesting.

How do you make money? How do you survive? Well, I just graduated last weekend, so that's a good question. Wow. Nice. But, oh, thank you. But my web series just dropped last Sunday. I bet it did. Fancy.

All right. So, scripted web series. Scripted web series? Yeah. Hashtag Persian moms? No, hashtag actually saffron and rose. Oh, saffron's really big

with you people. Yeah. You people? Yeah. I don't know. I'm trying to get into the Persian. I don't know what you call it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You people. Yes, Jeremiah? Is it true that Persians have scales and hide gold in caves? All up in Bel-Air, baby. Man, watch out. Sarah, so you've been living the college life pretty much? Yeah. So what's that been like?

What are the kids up to nowadays in college? What do they do for fun? The whip and the nay-n much? Yeah. So what's that been like? What are the kids up to nowadays in college? What do they do for fun? The whip and the nay-nay? Yes. I mean, I don't know. I'm like 25 years old, so I'm like supposed to be past the whole, like, getting drunk at frat parties. I'm 45. I'm 45.

I threw that last week. Do you want to go with me next time? Fuck yeah. I'll freak you kids out. Who wants to snort a little brown brown, huh? What? I'm shitting blood again, guys. Brown brown is the color of all of her family members as well.

Sarah, what do you do at these frat parties? Do you ever do crazy stuff? Keg stands? Anal chugs? Jaeger? No, no, no. No, unfortunately. I'm a boring, I'm a good girl, unfortunately.

You never drink? Well, no, I don't drink. You smoke pot? Is that what you were going to say? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I have before, yeah. Last thing you want is Persian parents finding out you smoke pot

and drive. You know what I mean? Persians are the ones that think anal is not losing your virginity, right? Yeah, yeah. That's what they think. Are you an anal queen? Now that I unfortunately can't talk. Pick your next words very wisely.

Yes, have you ever had an inflatable saxophone in your butt? Inflatable saxophone? Nah, it's okay. Forget it. Would you like to? I'm loving Jeremiah's character. Yeah. So, Sarah, you say that you're a good girl,

so what types of things do you do? What does a good girl do? I study. What would you say is the naughtiest thing you've done in your college time? Come on, you know what it is. Wow. Are you a virgin?

Why did I just say that. Are you a virgin? Why did I just say that? Are you a virgin? Bobby said that like he was trapping her into sex. Are you a virgin? We can get more for her. Play your cards right, and I'll show you. Whoa.

Play your cards right. I think she thinks you're Vietnamese, that you play cards. Yeah. Ooh, watch out. There's a game of Mao Jong coming up. Did I say that right? Funny enough, my web series is about that. Whoa, I bet it is. I don't know.

She's a virgin, but not in her ass. She's tattooed. Wow, Brian, you don't have to say it like that. Say butt or pee-pee hole or something like that. Make it cute. You don't have to be like like that. Say butt or pee-pee hole or something like that. Make it cute. She's not a virgin in her ass. What was that? Damn it.

Sarah, but you have a boyfriend? No. No? No, and it sucks. You on any of the dating sites or something like that? I just deleted my Tinder because it made me feel like shit. Wow. Why did it make you feel like shit? I think you just need better pictures or something like that. You just deleted my Tinder because it made me feel like shit. Wow. Why did it make you feel like shit?

I think you just need better pictures or something like that. You seem really cute to me. Thank you. I mean, if it wasn't working for you. Thank you. I mean, but, you know. No, I'm not really like the hookup type.

You know what I mean? I'm like, I expected to go find my Prince Charming on Tinder. Can I ask you something? Yeah. When you say you're not the hookup type, how do you know? Have you ever tried it?

I'm just curious. Would you like to? It's funny, Jeremiah. I used to have a huge crush on you. Whoa! And Tony! Wait a second. Keywords being used to. What happened?

I have a thing for very gaunt white men. I think it's the power dynamic. Gaunt white men? She complimented you and roasted the shit out of you at the same time. I used to be in love with you because I like disgusting people. That's not disgusting. Sorry, I've been eating like a king lately. Just getting over a case of the gout, I do believe.

Hey, what's a Persian mom sound like? Yes. Normally a... Normally a... I have no more questions, Tony. Yeah, me neither, really. Normally accompanied by a shoe in her hand when you haven't cleaned your room.

Really? Wow. Sarah, it was a pleasure to meet you. Thanks for coming up. What's the name of your web series? Yeah, uh... There you go. Good enough. Sarah Fatamy, everybody.

Tweet at it later. Saffron and Rose. There you go. Find her on Twitter. It's Sarah K-I underscore J-O-O-N. She's going the wrong way. Wow, there she goes. Oh, wow. Wow.

One more time for Sarah Fatamy, ladies and gentlemen. Getting the party started. I do believe we have another lady coming to the stage. Put your hands together for Paulina Kambau. Wow, there's a big pop there from the middle of the room. Here she comes. Here she comes. Hey.

Make some noise for the top shelf brass band, ladies and gentlemen. And Paulina Combow. Oh, my God. Hey, guys. Hi. No, you just wrapped it around the other way. Oh, sorry. I'm going to take the mic stand out entirely. This is driving me fucking nuts.

Here we go. I got you. All right. And an uninterrupted 60 seconds for Paulina Combo. Hey guys. Hey, I'm from Nashville. Hi. Not from like Nashville per se, but one of those little shitty towns, you know, where

people with the least amount of teeth can pronounce the most prescription drugs. Do you guys know about meth? Yeah, yeah. Bert knows about it. I don't know. I've been out here like a year and a half. The thing that's confusing me the most still is just the grocery stores. Like, first of all, you guys have them. That's

very different. But no, the other thing is just the names of them. Like, back home, our grocery stores are really cutesy sounding names, like Winn-Dixie, Piggly Wiggly. Like, that was my first job, Piggly Wiggly. I was a chucker. I know, I was in the Piggly Wiggly commercial. Like, that's why I'm here like trying to do my thing it went very well but yeah like we just have cute little sound of names where it makes you think like oh like I'm fine

with serving an animal face to my family but out here you guys have like battered women's shelters names for grocery stores like I went to a Safeway oh I like that there you go Paulina Comba Like I went to a Safeway. Oh, I like that. There you go. Paulina Combo.

Fuck yeah. I loved that set. That was awesome. I hated you on Breaking Bad, but I loved your set here tonight. Damn! But you killed it as Walter White's wife. I'll take it. Hell yeah.

She's getting royalties. Where exactly did you say you're from again? Nashville. I grew up in Franklin, Kentucky. My accent's way worse right now because I had a bunch of canned wine earlier. It's not usually this thick. Wow, you can take the girl out of Kentucky,

but you can't take the Kentucky out of the girl. Canned wine. Where do you even buy that at? Pink Dot. They don't serve the comics over there. That's awesome, Paulina. How long have you been in L.A.? A year and a half, almost.

Have you been doing stand-up for a year and a half? I started stand-up about six years ago in Nashville. What was it, Zany's is the club? Yeah, Zany's. They fucking love Bird in Nashville. I played there too. Yeah, yeah. I mean. Yeah, indeed.

You're a legend in your own right, but like he tears down some barbecue and some hot chicken. Oh, we're talking about eating in the city. Alright, great. I did a Kill Tony stand-up weekend, and four shows at the Grand Ole Opry there this year,

so I'm pretty sure we're just talking about eating in Nashville, right? Paulina, you sweet little country girl, what do you do for work? Right now I'm an assistant. For what? For people. Oh, okay. So you're pretty much looking for work. How much does that cost?

An assistant? Yeah, what is it per hour? I get paid like $20 an hour. Hired! I'll tell you what I will say. I didn't hear a ton of jokes in your set, but I feel like I really got to know you. Like I like you a lot. And you didn't make me, like, I smiled along

with you. It's a weird thing that you had me going like, oh, yeah. The Safeway joke was great. I just would have sprinkled in more jokes, but you're very likable. Very, very likable. You have, like, a Mia Farrow vibe. Thank you. And I could be your son. Thank you. Paulina, what do you like to do for

fun? You have any fun like country habits you play the spoons or anything like that my sister is pretty good at the spoons actually I can't take credit for that I like to build miniatures that's my thing miniature what like anything

that's when the candy bars are smaller oh they have other ones like the most recent miniature that you made. What is it? I'm working on a little camper, like an old-fashioned can-ham camper. It's a miniature version of it. Like a trailer?

Yeah. Hell yeah. I like that you guys call it campers. You try to be fancy on it. Do you have a boyfriend? No, no, no, no, no. She makes little things. Do. Do you have a boyfriend? No, no, no, no, no. She makes little things. Do you think she has a boyfriend? She's from Kentucky, guys.

Do you have a brother? No. She's from Tennessee. Originally from Kentucky. I paid attention this time. I'm not going to let you do that to me again. Not Sarah, yeah. I like the way you say miniatures.

You use all the letters when you say it. Miniatures. Miniatures. Jeremiah? Miniatures. I practiced. I was like, if he asks me my hobby, I'm going to say miniatures. Jeremiah Watkins?

This one confuses me. I'm sorry. Why do you look like a princess but sound like a stable boy? Thank you, Jeremiah. So you make miniatures. What's your living situation? You have roommates? I do have a roommate. How many? One. Are they a comedian, too?

Sort of, yeah. Are they really, really small? Everybody's small compared to me. All other women at least. All right. She has a big dick. You heard it here, folks. Tall. What's your favorite thing that you've done since you moved to Los Angeles?

Is this your first time living in a like, a big city other than Nashville? I lived in New York for a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, for just six months. Uh-huh. What was that like? Did you have fun there? No, it wasn't the greatest.

Right, all the cars and lights and everything. Dominicans. The people. Hey, we found out what he is. All right. What did you not like about it? The winter. I hated the winter.

Right. I moved here in, you know, January. Winter is coming. Yeah. I like your Safeway joke. I like the angle of, like, you know, of, like, all the things you see are different. But I also like, I like authenticity in the South.

Like, give me something really southern like uh like uh I saw an old man discipline his dog with a shovel one time that's the south right there you don't see that in LA so like give me something real south like you know you're in the south when I'll set it up okay okay you know you're back home in the south when? When you try to go for a jog and three people ask you if you need a ride home. That's real. That's real. I went for a jog. I'll tell you how the joke's written right now.

I went for a jog in Alabama. My wife has a house in Alabama. And these yokels pulled up in Wadawi and pulled up in a van. I was on a jog and they they literally, out of casting, go, boy, what you running from? And I looked at them and said, Jews! I got attacked by two dogs on that jog. You don't get attacked.

You get attacked by dogs still in the South. Bobby, anything else for Paulina? No. All right. Well, it was nice to meet you. Thanks for doingina? No. All right. Well, it was nice to meet you. Thanks for doing the show. Yeah, yeah. Paulina Combo, ladies and gentlemen.

All the way from Tennessee, trying to make it in Los Angeles. Thank you. Likeable little country girl. Moving on. All right, I believe this person's been on the show before. Make some noise for Johnny Roth. Here we go. Well, that was fast.

Oh. Main room, what's happening? We got action. A new 60 seconds. Who this? this well i'm from the south also i'm from texas and uh one thing about texas people we don't like to see nobody sober and they don't like to see us drunk because they know we be acting a donkey eeyore eeyore now uh Oh, now, back home in Texas, I walked some long miles, and I think that's the reason why I'm doing comedy now. Like, you know, we had some real hard times. One time, my ex, I wouldn't help her paint her room, so she told me she thinks about guys with really long ones and it still haunts me

one time i mixed my lean with dr pepper and it tastes like medicine and it still haunts me my favorite college football player johnny football there you go. Sure, go ahead. Finish it. Finish it, Johnny. Finish the joke. My favorite football player, Johnny Football, didn't pan out and it still haunts me. There you go. Johnny Rock. Fuck yeah. You shouldn't have finished it.

Much like Manziel, we could have cut that one short, right? This was fun. I never thought I'd get to have CNN's Van Jones on the show. It's only 15 people. I'm going to be on CNN again. What did you say when you first came to stage? You said something.

I think I said, main room, what's happening? What's happening? Hell yeah. I've never seen somebody wear a shirt the exact color of their skin before. What did you do? Go to the store like, I have something this color right here. Something to make a wonder of. Why my nipples look like buttons.

Oh, it's a shirt. Okay. Tony, I knew you. What's happening? How did you say that? What's happening? I said main room. What's happening?

Yeah. That should be your hook line. I need one. How about this? Yeah, you definitely need a hook. Yeah, you need a hook for sure. So say that up front, do a joke, and then do the same line again. What's happening? Go ahead, go ahead.

Main room, what's happening? Yeah, do a joke. Now do a joke. What's happening? Really good delivery, which is fitting because he's dressed like a UPS driver. Johnny, how long have you been doing stand-up? Going on about a year and a half. I started last year, the end of 2016.

What ethnicity are you? My mom's Spanish, so I'm Spanish. By Spanish, you mean Mexican. What is your father's name? We also got a lot of family from Louisiana. We also got a lot of family from Louisiana. Go ahead. We also got a lot of family from Louisiana. Interesting. Yeah, we got some Cajun family from Louisiana, too.

Shreveport. And you've been out of Texas for like a year, year and a half, you said? Yeah, just since I've been here. Other than that, I've never been out of Texas. Were you in a major city in Texas? Louisiana. Were you in a major city in Texas or a suburb? I don't know what's happening. What's happening? I'll Texas or a suburb? I don't know what's happening.

What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening. I'll tell you what's happening. Jeremiah is still waiting for an answer to find out what his father's family name is. He's a king, and he goes by last names. You're from the family? Rob. Pretty sure that's your first name.

Oh, Roth. I see what you're saying Hell yeah, he's from the Roth family My whole family's been here in America for a long time Wow, you think I'm an ICE agent or something like that? My whole family's been here a long time We're totally Spanish Man, Tony, I knew this guy was from Texas

Because his words are chopped and screwed Straight up Johnny, what do you do for work? Oh man, I do real estate because his words are chopped and screwed. Straight up. Johnny, what do you do for work? Oh, man, I do real estate. What does your father do for work? My father, he had a construction company. He retired now.

He didn't build you up. Sorry. Do you like men or women sexually? Women. Okay. Yeah. That's my thing. Wait, what did you just say?

I said women. No. Oh, I said that's my thing. Oh, you looked at them and went, that's my thing? You definitely are a catchphrase guy. I don't even think you need jokes, Just a bunch of good catchphrases. I'll be down with that. Yeah, okay, that's a good one.

I'll be down with that. You're just a catchphrase maker. You're like an app on my phone for catchphrases. Okay, I'm going to go home tonight. You know what? Maybe you, okay, I'll tell a joke, and you do the catchphrase, okay? Straight up. Okay? Let's run it. catchphrase okay? let's run it let's run it

here we go I gotta think of a joke real quick I got one bartender walks into a bar well not bartender walks into a bar I fucked up I got it fuck you man

let's run it let's run it I got it. Fuck you, man. Fuck you. Let's run it. Let's run it. Let's run it. Let's run it. Let's run it. Let's run it. Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, we have a drink named after you.

Grasshopper says, you have a drink named Steve? What happened to you? Whoa. What hopped into you? What hopped? I thought you were doing an Asian accent. What hopped What hop? I thought you were doing an Asian accent. What hop? How about the you?

No, like grasshopper. Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. Don't fucking do that again, all right, dude? One per second. All right. Oh! You could be a great compliment on a one-liner comics act. Like, if you just strutted out on the stage, you said, it's...

I'm going to Google that. I don't know what you're saying. you said... I'm going to Google that. I don't know what you're saying. I said, I'm going to Google that. I'm going to Google that. Yeah, I'm going to Google that. Your Texas, Louisiana, Mexican accent is going to impede you your entire career. No matter what happens. More catchphrases.

I just say something that happened in your day and drop a catchphrase. Like, went to McDonald's. What's happening? Try it, try it, try it, try it. I went to McDonald's. No, not what I just said. Do something that really happened in your day

that would surprise us. That would be interesting. Like, I rolled out of bed. What's happening? That's pretty good. Well, we're going to have to workshop this a little more. So, Johnny, what do you do for fun? You seem like a guy that would have some interesting habits.

You work in real estate. Let's cut to the chase. What do you jack off to? What I do for fun, I like to stay inside for three days straight. Three days straight and repeating questions to Alexa. I ain't got Alexa. Can you repeat that

again, please? What's happening? I'm sorry. I did not quite get that. Please repeat. I'm going to keep you on your toes. I'm going to drop a joke and I need a catchphrase quick. Ready? I wish Alexa had a flashlight attachment so I could shut her up the way I want to.

We got action. There he goes. Johnny Roth, ladies and gentlemen. Let's keep flying through it tonight. We got action. That's it. Johnny Roth, ladies and gentlemen. We're moving through smoothly.

It's a fun episode. You guys having fun out there? Can I? Of course you are. Would someone please, could I get another double Tito's and soda and a big glass no lime?

I want a Diet Coke. Two double Tito's and sodas then. Somebody get me a Diet Coke. A double Tito's and soda for the large one and for the little one a Diet Coke, please. Wait, how many vape pens do you have? He has a quiver of vape pens. That's called a faggot. It really does.

Okay. It's called a faggot. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We met this young lady for the first time a few weeks ago. Everybody absolutely fell in love with her. She comes pretty much every week. Put your hands together for the great Cassandra Cass. Whoa.

Here she comes. She's been on the show once before, and it was very fun. Cassandra Cass, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. Okay. Damn it. I haven't been writing. I've been so busy.

Okay, but I'm going to talk about eating ass. I don't know if anybody in here has done it. I know you have, sir. Eating ass is like eating yogurt without a spoon. It's very, very difficult. You know the Yoplait container? It's like, holy shit, can you guys just roast me? I've been such a bad girl.

I haven't really studied. I know. I know. I know. I'm sorry, Aphrodite. Okay, let me think. Damn, I just bombed. I'm sorry. What?

A booty picture? Shake my ass? What is happening? Cassandra Cass, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sorry. Let's just end now. Cass, ladies and gentlemen. Let's just end now. I'll jump in.

Thank you, guys. Wow. I fucking love this band set up. That was amazing. How about one more time for the top shelf brass band. So Cassandra, I mean, you have all the likability and charisma in the world. We would have

had no idea had you just said anything. I know. You could have literally said anything for 60 seconds except for I haven't prepared. You have no work ethic. No, no, no. I had a photo shoot at 6 a.m. I know. You could have literally said anything for 60 seconds. I was so. Except for I haven't prepared. You have no work ethic. No, no, no. I had a photo shoot at 6 a.m. I'm shooting a new calendar.

That's not an excuse. And I was like, I want to come and support. I wasn't going to put my name in the bucket. But I thought, oh, well, I wouldn't be called. Well, I mean, I wish you gave us the same effort. You give your calendar. I mean, it's not like I'm going to buy your calendar in February and December is missing. You're right.

I'm sorry. Calendar jokes, people. All right. I know. I wanted you to succeed so badly. Yeah. I can sit on your lap if that will make up for anything. Okay.

Cassandra. You can just slap it. Whoa, Jesus. Cassandra. Use me, God damn it. Use me. Witch. Get the witch off stage.

Witch! She is a temptress. Wow. Off with its head. I think its head's already been removed, Jeremiah. I don't know. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, shit.

It's been inverted. There's a difference. Thank you, motherfucker. Well, I mean, I wish you would have let more come out of you here tonight rather than keep everything inverted that you possibly had prepared. I mean, what's happening in your world? Cassandra, other than shooting a calendar, anything crazy going on in life? Yeah, it's so funny.

I've kind of reconnected with this guy that I broke up with. He was very, very uncomfortable with dating me. And I didn't talk to him for two months. very, very uncomfortable with dating me. And I didn't talk to him for two months. And then he came to me and said, you know, I was uncomfortable with the idea that I could be in love with a transgender woman. So it kind of has been very emotional for me.

Right. And then you looked him in the eyes and you said, Bobby, of course I forget. No, no. No, I said, I said, I said, bend over, bend over and let me lick that ass. Wow, is that really true? You licked his ass. Absolutely. Okay, how long did you lick his ass for?

Well... I mean, you really ate shit here on stage tonight, if I can say so myself, but... I did, I sucked. I admit it, I apologize. Just out of my curiosity, if you don't mind me asking, how long does an ass-eating session from Cassandra Cass last? It depends on the ass. Well, I mean, how long did you eat his ass for on that day? This is really making me ask this question.

No, but I'm very comfortable with my sensuality and sexuality. Like, five minutes. I think a lot of straight guys need to get over that shit. King Jeremiah, what do you think about getting your ass eaten for five minutes? At least nine minutes, no less. This is my impression of me asking my wife

to eat my ass. You ready? Yeah. Hey, will you eat my ass? What? Nothing. I can tell that you are a baby wipe

kind of man. Oh, I'm beyond that. Yeah, I would have to I have the Asian toilet that a baby wipe kind of man. Oh, I'm beyond that. Yeah, I would have to be the baby wipe. I have the Asian toilet that squirts water up your ass. Oh, okay. Oh, I'm like horrible. His name is Bobby Lee. Yeah, exactly.

I gotta be honest with you. I hope this is a progressive statement, but why is all transgendered men are so fucking hot these days? Anytime I see a really hot chick, I go, no, that's a dude. There's no way a woman could be as hot as you because a woman would never do all the shit that we want.

Like, your legs are perfect. Your arms are flawless. You look more like a woman than any of the women that were on stage here. You definitely look more like a woman than my wife. However, Johnny Roth sounded more like a woman than you do. No, just kidding, Cassandra. I can be a mute. So I guess, you know, for you podcast listeners, just kidding, Cassandra. I can be a mute. So I guess, you know, for you podcast listeners,

she's transgender, beautiful. I guess a question a lot of people have, like when you say inverted, like... Split open and shut down. Right, you had the full-blown operation, right? Yeah, I've had everything done. Right. Oh, for real?

Yeah. And I'm not a... No, I need to educate you. No, I don't know anything. I don't know anything. No, I know. I'm not a transgender. I'm what's wrong with America. No, you're not. No, I'm being dead serious. I don't know anything. I don't know anything. No, I know. I'm not a transgender. I'm what's wrong with America.

No, you're not. No, I'm being dead serious. You have cute shoes. Thank you. Okay, I'm not a transgender man. I'm a transgender woman. But then I don't even go by transgender. I'm just motherfucking Cassandra.

Wow. Okay. Wait, hold on. Wait, hold on. What is the definition? Dude, please do it. Just give me it. Transgender woman means?

You went from male to female. Oh, okay. You were saying transgender man. There's nothing man here except maybe my boys. Okay. Your boys? No, your boys. Oh, your boys.

Oh, I thought you said your boys. I went, wait, you kept your balls? That'd be awesome. A vagina with your balls. Who doesn't love playing with their balls? I got rid of the dick, but I have a vagina and some great balls. I keep them in the fridge.

Bobby's too shy to ask this, so I'm going to ask you what he's asking me. Come here, you little motherfucker. So do you self-lube? How does your vagina... No, no, no. People want to know. That's what I want to know. That's a good question. Okay, wait. no, no. People want to know. That's what I want to know. That's a good question.

Okay. Wait, no, no, no. Let me see your hand. I want to know. I want to know. Hold on. Is it sweat or is it your... Because your dick is tucked in.

Is it your own cum from the dick? Sit down. I am sitting. Fuck you. Sit. Right? Bobby is being manhandled here tonight. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. By the way, you can totally shit on my lap. I'm just trying to say it. Trans manhandled here tonight. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. By the way, you can totally turn on my handle. It's kind of the same. I'm going to show you. Yeah, please. No, I'm going to show you. Turn your hand. I want to show you.

Okay. Hold it. Oh! Bobby just jerked off. So you spit on your hand and rub it on your vagina. Well, I prefer lotion. I like flowered lotion, but yeah, you know, you have to use lube. You don't self

lubricate. Put like a Tide Pod in there or something. A Tide Pod, yes. Yeah. By the way, this is, I don't know if it would work in Dayton, Ohio, but this is material I would fucking pay to hear. Oh, yeah. Like if you could talk about, I'm dying to know more about this.

I mean, never mind. That's his way of saying I believe he wants his ass eaten. Or he wants to become Brianna. I could have sex with you? You're not my type. No, I meant no. I'm sorry.

What is your type? What is your type? Guys who work out? I work out a lot. Hey, I fucking work out two hours a day. Shallow fucking bullshit. Him and our artists. Wow. Do you consider...

No, I think you're very handsome in your own way. No, I didn't. Fuck you! So you're saying think you're very handsome in your own way. Fuck you! So you're saying, when you say they work out, you're saying you're like muscly, like ripped. No, I mean, listen, I don't care. At the end of the day, I've been with tall, short, fat. I mean, the last two boyfriends I had,

one was, you know, he wasn't anything to look at. He had a good heart. Is there a depth? Is there a certain depth that only your vagina can handle? My vagina could handle him right now. Because I haven't... It's very thick. Go fuck yourself, all right?

It's like a spam can. Like a spam can. No, I haven't had sex in like two months. So I usually start with... It's curvy. I doubt that. I can tell by your index. Whoa.

I'm sorry. She just calls it an index. I mean,. I can tell by your index. Whoa. I'm sorry. She just calls it an index. I mean, you're hot. Oh, she's right. She's right. Wow. All right. I tend to like Italians.

Both my last boyfriends were Italians. I like that fiery, kind of passionate. Mamma mia. You like being choked? Do you like being choked and all that? Yeah, I do like to be choked. I mean, I like it rough. You know, I'm a little kid. Look at me. I dress up like all these crazy characters.

I like to role play. So lovely. Are there any transgender females that are prudes? Oh, yeah. For real? Yes. It's not about sex

for you at all. I did this just to feel comfortable with myself, but I mean, I get a lot of... It's not about sex for you at all. It's about... No, no. Well, I did this just to feel comfortable with myself, but I figured if I was going to do it, I wanted to be a hot chick, you know? Right? You're beautiful.

You really are beautiful. Yeah, but I'm so driven by sex. No, I love sex. Do not get me wrong. I love sex. Me too. I have sex with my sister. Ha, ha, ha.

Are we related? Oh, shit. Oh, my God. I think that Lannister is about to put it in her canister, if you know what I'm saying. Holy shit. Tear down. The dragon's embers burn very, very. I should just come up here and you make fun of me I think that's what just happened Cassandra

It was fun to see you You just have to not say The only thing that you can do is show weakness on that stage I showed some major weakness You gotta drop that habit I'm not putting my name in that bucket until I got a set. Thank you all for being

patient and kind. Cassandra Cass, ladies and gentlemen. I love that. There you go. Cassandra Cass. There she goes. All right. I swear to God I didn't know she was a...

What the hell was that? She's so my type. I swear to God I didn't know she was a I didn't know either she's so my type like I'm nervous that my type is dudes like I looked at her and I was like why wouldn't my wife look like and then the whole time I'm like and then when I asked you I was like

what did you say? and you were like yeah I was like shut the fuck up alright I pulled another name out of the bucket put your hands together for Mark And you were like, yeah. I was like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Mark Sierra Mataro. Whoa, there's a big pop on the right side. Mark Sierra Mataro.

Mark Sierra Mataroara Here he comes In uninterrupted 60 seconds For Mark Ciara Matara I am Italian Sorry Bert I know I look like the community college version of Jonah Hill I mean comedy ruined

Jonah super bad ruined my high school years and my comedy career before it even started it's also the reason why I don't look in mirrors anymore it's fucking terrifying you know fuck Bloody Mary you see me three times you're gonna get fucking Pepto Bismol anyways I don't know if any of your dads have been to jail but mine has and I have some questions for them. Like, hey, dad, you

know, did you do anything in jail? Like, did they use cigarettes as currency? Or the question I really wanted to ask them for a long time. Hey, dad, did you get fucked in the butt? Or did you fuck butts? Because that's a really fucking hard question to ask. Anyways, I got a question for you fellas. Hey, how do you shave your cock? I shave it like this. I grab the tip of my head and I pull it out. I shave my cock like that.

My buddy looked at me like it was the most inhumane thing I'd ever seen. I was like, look dude, sorry I don't have a cock around to show you. Okay, sorry. Next one. Mark Ciaro Mataro. Next one. Mark, Sierra Mataro. Hell yeah. I like the charger

hanging out of your pocket. You look like if a Jewish guy worked at an Apple store. I didn't even know it was there. And I remember when Eric Cartman was funny. I wore the beanie. Mark, welcome to the show. This is your first time on, right?

This is my first time doing stand-up for trying it. Wow. Congratulations. That's a big deal. Pop this cherry. I couldn't even see you from the fucking boonies over there. You guys are badass. Well, you have...

You guys really are badass. You have really interesting ears. Like, your ears look like you have earrings. I get them after my grandpa. Wow. I have big ear lobes. That was my nickname in high school. My football coach gave it to me.

I tripped one time, and he grabbed my helmet, and he fucking head-butted me, and he was like, yo, dude, you're tripping over your lobes. And then everyone was like, lobes! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never tell that story again. So you said your dad was in jail, right? Your dad was in jail.

Why was your dad in jail? He actually had... He actually was holding on to some stolen stuff. Somebody was like, here, hold this stuff. And it just happened to be a couple paintings from OJ's house. Wait, hold on. The old house.

I don't know where he lives now. Holy shit. Did they have any blood splatter on them? No. So your dad stole OJ's paintings? He was the one that held them. Oh, yeah, we get it. We get it.

We get it. We're not cops. Yeah, we all know what that means. Get him off the truck. I'm only saying a little too much. How long do you spend in jail for stealing a murderer's paintings? They gave him six years.

Wow. Yeah. So now he's out? Mm-hmm. Did you ever ask him any of those questions? No. Do you want to?

Not really, but, I mean, yeah, it bothers me, but it's also something that I don't really want to ask him. Do you have your dad's number? Not really. Yeah, it bothers me, but it's also something that I don't really want to ask him. Do you have your dad's number? I do. You want to call him right now on the show? No, no, no.

I got to go with Bert. This makes me so uncomfortable. Confront your father to a duel now. How often do you talk to your dad? I went fishing with him on Friday and that was the first time I saw him You guys seem pretty close Why don't you call him?

Let's ask him if he ever got butt fucked Come on, give him a call Put him on speakerphone He's probably not going to answer There you go Yeah, perfect Here we go Mark Ciara Mataro

By the way, by the way, by the way Hold on If he was raped in prison we're bringing up the worst day of his life. But if he was the rapist in prison, we're bringing up the best day of his life. Come on, Bert. You got to look at the positives.

All right, so when you put it on speakerphone and then put the butt end to the microphone, which is probably what your dad did in prison, by the way. Wait, did he go to a federal prison? What kind of prison did he go to? He went to Corcoran. He was in Corcoran State. I think it's state.

Hit send. Put it on speakerphone. Calling his father, Mark Ciara Mataro. Did he have to join a gang? He had to be really quiet in the audience. He had to get rid of a bulldog tattoo. Everybody has to be quiet. Sorry, I have T-Mobile. Shh.

What's the... Pretend like we're not here. Okay. Yeah, you just called him out of the blue to find out if he got fucked in prison. Pretend you just woke up, like, you're like, Dad. He's gonna pick up. He's gonna be a normal dad Like he always is

Okay Yeah Just be like Dad I was just curious Don't let your phone number play Oh Wow So much for that

Fishing trip You guys went on. Oh, yeah. Hey, wait. Here's what I would say comedy-wise. What did you really ask him? Like, go into the authentic part of, like, what did you really say to him? Did you ever talk to him when he was in prison?

Yeah. When he was in prison, I only went and saw him once. Did they do the glass thing where you put your hand up? Are you serious? I didn't do the glass. I didn't put my hand on the glass. Oh. You put your earlobe on there?

Yeah. Once in six years, you only visited him once in six years. Yeah. Wow. Trying to make him feel bad for his raping, stealing father? He called and wrote letters.

He wrote letters? Yeah, on that big, wide-ruled yellow paper with the big pencils. It's called a legal pad. Mark, what do you do for work? I actually am unemployed right now, so that's why I had the time to come out here and get a shot. What was the last job you had?

I worked at an elementary school for eight years. Wow. What did you do there? I worked at a before-and-after-school tutoring center, so honestly, I just dumped on kids for a couple hours a day. You took dumps on kids? That, too.? That too. That too. Mark, this is the first time you ever performed in live?

This is the first time I've ever performed it live, yes. Well, I just want to say this. It was a brave thing that you just did, all right? So I don't really have any notes with you because it's your first fucking time, but you're a brave guy, and congratulations. Welcome to life. Welcome to life. Welcome to life. Yep.

How did your dad meet OJ? I don't think he met OJ. Really? He just decided that was the house he was going to break into. He didn't let go. Hey, man, how you doing? Oh, cool, baby. How did he?

Mark, let me ask you this. It's time, sir. These are gone. I can't. I love you, these. Wow, the machine and the washing machine laughing together. Amazing. Two fucked up balloons.

Mark, how did your dad get caught? He was walking down the street with a painting. Just paintings of OJ and the Heisman pose. I wonder where he stole those from. I guess somebody else that he was with that worked that job got

caught and then snitched on. Oh, fuck. What happened to that guy? By the way, I love that movie. I mean, I love that music. I mean, I'm picturing your dad probably doesn't live in a house with tons of paintings. He has one. He's in an apartment with just two paintings.

Wow. A coffee table and a fucking bean bag, but two paintings. One's in a white bronco. Did your dad ever confront the guy that snitched him out? He's actually dead. Oh, he's actually dead. Wow.

Crazy, Mr. Sia Mataro. You're actually one of the first people Ever in my life to get my name right Like pretty fast Yeah, I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world So Mark How did the guy die? The guy that ratted out your dad In his sleep?

With the fishes, see? Those are questions I didn't ask I didn't go too deep He got stabbed Did he really? I don't know. Those are questions I didn't ask. I didn't go too deep. He got stabbed. Did he really? Wow. Did you make that up right there?

This is a fucking real live show here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. This is going to be on forensic files one day. And he was away with the murder until this live podcast happened. The guy was stabbed. He was stabbed. Do you know how hard it is to have street cred in prison when they go, what did you do? And he goes, I was holding on to some paintings.

Oh yeah. They're OJ's paintings. I guess I answered my own question. Mark, I love your style. You look like both a life aquatic character and a submarine at the same exact time. I don't know how you pull it off.

Kind of what I was going for. Oh, yeah. Well, your first time doing stand-up, your first time on the show, I think I heard some friends or something go crazy over there. Somebody knows you over there. Yeah, who knows me over there? You have some fans already. I didn't know there were people over there.

And there you go. There he goes. Getting away with murder. Mark C.R. Mataro's first time on stage. Wow. We're meeting some real people up here tonight. This is fun. Mark C.R. Mataro's first time.

That painting thing's got you. I love giggling. This looks like a new name Put your hands together for Peter Kim Peter Kim Here we go We got movement From the far left corner I remember most of the names I pull out

I think Peter's a new name That's my boy I think Peter's a new name. That's my boy! He opens for me! Yeah! It's my boy right here! Peter Kim, ladies and gentlemen. You better fucking kill, dude!

Oh my god. Hey guys, hi, it's me, Gay Bobby Lee. I'm just kidding, Bobby is Korean and I'm just a very sleepy Mexican. That wasn't a racist joke, but if you didn't laugh at that, you might be a racist. I'm trying to be a better Asian. I'm trying to represent my people better, you know? But it's hard because I actually am a very bad driver. And I know it sucks.

It really does. But it's not, I don't think I'm a bad driver because I'm Asian. You know, it's just really hard for me to concentrate on the road. I'm constantly doing long division. Gotta carry the one. I'm also a Prius driver, which is the worst. Because the only thing worse than an Asian driver is an Asian driver you cannot hear coming. I'm being surprised. Peter Kim, ladies and gentlemen. I like it. Asian driver is an Asian driver you cannot hear coming. Huge surprise.

Peter Kim, ladies and gentlemen. I like it. Fuck yeah. Wow. Peter Kim, great job. Thank you. First time on the show, right? First time, yeah.

Hell yeah. There he is. But you do stand up, right? You do stand up a lot. I do. I can tell the one thing you did that no one else has done properly is handle that mic fucking stand. I'm telling you when I say this. In regular college, even when I go on the road, sometimes you will get the mic cord stuck under the mic,

and it'll fuck you up your first couple minutes. And as soon as you did that, I went, oh, this is smooth sailing. Cool. That's the first thing I learned in stand-up. that, I went, oh, this is smooth sailing. Cool. That's the first thing I learned in stand-up. Yeah. First time, right before I even went up, someone was like, get that shit out of the way. Take the mic out and move the mic stand

over to the fucking side. That was great. I love that silent, deadly Asian joke. Oh, yeah, thank you. That's fucking great. Very, very fun performance. How long have you been doing stand-up? About 6 years

Yeah really shows Really really fun All in LA This fucking guy This fucking faggot It's okay I let him say it We're friends okay guys Come on

I thought you guys just started getting along again The two different sides of Korea right I thought you guys were brothers getting along again, the two different sides of Korea, right? I thought you guys were brothers. Now all of a sudden you're over here launching missiles at the guy. Neither of us are North Korean, we don't have the body for that. This is what happens when you get Bobby Lee wet after midnight. But this kid You're friends with my girlfriend first, right?

Oh, Gilbert, Gilbert Gilbert, so on my podcast I have a guy named Gilbert He's our engineer He's friends with this guy So he opened for me a couple of times And I just can't follow This guy is a beast He was nervous tonight

I was And you still got laughs But this guy, when he's loose, he's so fucking good. No, I can tell. It's amazing. Are you from LA? No, I just moved here. From where? Chicago. Oh, very cool. Very cool. I like it. And you make all your money doing stand-up?

I make no money doing anything. I'm actually on unemployment. What job did you have that you got unemployment from? I was an actor. You were an actor? Yeah.

Oh, cool. At like a sketch comedy place. Were we Bobby Stand-In? I wish. I would be. Oh, thank you. No, I was a sketch comedy person in Chicago. And you're gay?

Yeah. You have a boyfriend? I do. Yeah? How long have you guys been together? Almost three years. Holy shit. Wow. He's good looking too. Is he an Asian boyfriend

or white? He's white. What a disgrace. Have you ever sucked an Asian dick, Peter? I have. Is it nice? Does it have like lychee fruit kind of a flavor? Mochi? Yeah, like a dragon fruit type thing. Like a dragon fruit kind of thing.

Dragon! No! Peter, have you ever seen my penis? Have I ever shown you my penis? I haven't seen it in person. I've seen it in videos and stuff. Online. Online.

Online, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's ugly, is it not? It looks like an orc. Yeah, more like a hobbit, but no. I mean, we have the same exact penis. No, mine looks like a sick alien now. Remember when E.T. was in the river and he was dying?

That's what it looks like. If I pull it out, flowers die. The glow is gone. Mine looks like the pig from Charlotte's Web. That's cute. Peter, your boyfriend, I'm sorry, were you going on? No, go ahead. Did your boyfriend move out with you from Chicago? Yeah.

So you guys came out here at the same time. We did. Huh. What does he do? He's an actor and a the same time. We did. Huh. What does he do? He's an actor and a comic and writer. Oh, very cool. Yeah. Very fun. And he's white?

He's white, yeah. Like how white? How pure is his bloodline? Blind hair, blue eyes? Has he ever said the N-word? No, he hasn't. Anytime you hear that pause before you, you know he's telling the truth

It's because we talk about it a lot And how he wants to say it He wants to say it? He wants to say it so bad In what the bedroom or something like that? Yeah just call me Is he ever racist like when you're making love Toward Asians

You fucking fat gook You yellow flat face gooks Is he ever racist, like, when you're making love toward Asians? You fucking fat gook. Fat? What the fuck? Where did fat come from? Well, you're not skinny. Okay. All right.

All right. Wait, does he ever say racist stuff to you? No, he doesn't. He's actually real, like, he's a cool dude. He's from Minnesota. His parents raised him away. Oh. Yeah. I know, it sucks. It would be better. I wish there was, like, some kind of... Wait, let's work a bit where. He's from Minnesota. His parents raised him away. I know it sucks.

It would be better. Let's work a bit where your boyfriend's a racist. I have a joke about that. Oh, I like it. Let me hear it. Okay. I have a joke about how...

Just do the fucking joke. Okay, I will. So... Okay, I will. So, my boyfriend's very woke, and I wish he was a little less woke, you know? He gets very uncomfortable when I try to do racist stuff in the bedroom, you know? So, and the other thing

is he is beautiful. He's 6'1", you know, blonde hair, blue eyes, you know, and hair blue eyes you know and i look like fat kim jong-un and um i think it's just kim jong-un yeah just kim jong-un i fucked that up um the actual punchline was kim jong-un who started eating kale uh but who cares anyway so one thing i really love doing is because he kind of looks like a young Harrison Ford and I look like fat short round that was a joke and so I like to do this I like to be in the bedroom and be like no Indy no no no Dr. Jones number Templar do

and he fucking hates it. I actually do that with my girlfriend. I dress up as a fat Indiana Jones and fuck Shortground. That's real. It is way creepier when he says it. Yes. Definitely. Okie dokie, Dr. Jones.

We did not need the act out. Good job, Peter. Thank you. So fun. Bye, Dr. Jones. We did not need the act out. Good job, Peter. Thank you. So fun. Thank you so much. People of all shapes and sizes, that's a six-year comedy veteran. Peter Kim, dropping in for the first time ever to do a minute on Kill Tony. What do you think?

Should we bring up our regular? Why not? This guy is an absolute Kill Tony sensation. You know him as the newest regular. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. In his short time as a regular on this show, he's gotten signed by a big agency

and manager and all that great stuff. He's a true example of what can be accomplished with a positive attitude and funny jokes. Let's see what happens this week. Put your hands together for the great Malcolm Hatchet. What's up, y'all?

Hell yeah. I went to five guys and there was four guys working. I was like, man, what type of shit is this? I'm sorry, what can we do about it? I need a discount or something. Everybody ain't here, so all my money ain't here either. I got a cousin, he killed two people,

but scared of dogs. Scared of dogs. Every time he said he gonna shoot me, I be like, all right, I'm gonna get a chihuahua on your ass I start barking My cousin tried to rob somebody I started barking he dropped the gun Fellas why every time you get some pussy from a girl

And be ready to leave she be like So you like me No bitch you was the only one up Now give me my damn coat No, bitch, you was the only one up. Now give me my damn coat. Why wouldn't black people get in car accidents if they lied to get money? Somebody hit my car earlier. I wasn't hurt.

The cop was like, man, you know you could have gotten a lot of money out of this? I was like, how? He said, a back injury. So I was like, oh, god damn you could have got a lot of money out of this? I was like, how? He said, the back injury. So I was like, oh, god damn. Malcolm Hatchett, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. Another new minute from the great Malcolm Hatchett. Very fun stuff.

This is your guys' first time seeing Malcolm. Initial thoughts. Go ahead. Please. You're great. What I like, I like the little stuff that I feel like are jokes written for me. When you go, bitch, give me my coat. Little stuff like that.

Those little specifics make me know that it really happened. Exactly. I love those. Makes it feel so real. Bitch, give me my coat. You know what it is? It's like you're intrinsically funny. You see somebody like Chris Dilley is a good example of somebody whose jokes are good, but

he's got, he can write. You know what I mean? But Chris, when I first saw him, he has this light, fun energy, and you have that same thing. And it's hard to find. And you, how long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, three and a half years. Yeah, so you're young in it. How old are you?

24. Yeah. You're cute as fuck, bro. You're cute as fuck, dude. You're cute as fuck, dude. Yeah. Just moved here seven months ago. Still sleeps in his car. His car broke down.

He put a GoFundMe up to all the Kill Tony fans and got twice the money of his GoFundMe to get a nice car. Did your car really get fucked up? Yeah, man. It was crazy. Yeah, it like... Somebody hit and ran that shit. I was shocked.

I was like, damn. You won too. Took off. Bobby Lee's giving you a handful of money right now. There you go. man it was crazy yeah it like somebody hit and ran that shit I was shocked I was like damn if you want to Bobby Lee's giving you a handful of money right now there you go a handful of cash from Bobby Lee

it's amazing you can watch his he's great on Instagram stories and he shows like you know how he goes to the thrift store

and like saves money you know by getting cool stage clothes I follow you you follow me? hell yeah you follow me? I'm following you right now what's your Instagram? you follow me I think How he goes to the thrift store and saves money by getting cool stage clothes. I follow you. You follow me? Hell yeah. You follow me? I'm following you right now.

What's your Instagram? You follow me. I think. My phone is there. Give me my money back. Give me my fucking money back. There he goes. Malcolm just ran off.

What's your Instagram? Malcolm H12. M-A-L-C-O-L-L. Two L's because people be disrespecting. Malcolm, how many Instagram followers do you think you gained? 20,000. That's a good amount. I just had 5,000.

Malcolm 12. Malcolm age 12. I'm at mostly sorry. You got to – the only thing you got to – Yeah, I follow you. Stop playing, man. Damn. Follow back.

I'm going to follow back. Wow. I already beat you to that bet.. Wow. No, no, no. Oh, here, let me get it. Yeah, you've got likes. Let me get you some followers by doing a story with you. Hell yeah. And you just point at Bobby and go, this racist motherfucker.

Okay? Ready? Here's Malcolm. What were you thinking about Bobby? This pit bull eating cat looking motherfucker. Cat looking motherfucker. Are you starting another riot? Follow him!

He look like an iPhone emoji. Hey, fuck you! Give him my money back! I love you. Come on, man. I love you. I'm with CAA, too, dog. Oh, you are?

I'm with CAA, too, dog! We're gonna do Rush Hour 4. Okay. Rush, dog. We're going to do Rush Hour 4. Okay. Rush Hour 4. Let's pitch it. Rush Hour 4. Negative 4. Yeah, hell yeah.

You're tight. Hey, hey, for real, for real, the only thing I will tell you advice-wise in this business is do not rest on the laurels of how likable you are and how easy it is to get laughs. Keep writing material. I'll be trying to act tough, but it don't work. But y'all know. Because you are very naturally funny. You could literally eat crackers on stage

and people would die laughing. That was racist as fuck. Yeah, it was. Wait. Wait. That wasn't racist. Black people aren't known for eating crackers. Oh, yeah.

Eat crackers. Oh, I get it. Oh, I didn't realize. You could eat crackers on stage. known for eating crackers. Oh, yeah. Eat crackers. Oh, I get it. Oh, I didn't realize. You could eat. Oh, you could eat crackers on stage. You could eat crackers on stage. Look at all the white people. They pissed off.

Oh, you got to use that as a joke. I ate a cracker one night, and she was on her period. Ah. I love that. Oh. Oh, wow. Everything else in life going good? Things picking up?

Did you do any thing crazy last week? Oh, last week. Not that I can remember. Where you from? North Carolina. What's Geechee mean? Geechee? Yeah.

What you mean like? Use it in a sentence. Look at that Geechee motherfucker. Oh, crazy? Okay. I ain't never heard of that shit. Do you know who he reminds me of? It's a young Mike Epps.

Oh, I get that all the time. Dude, my salt. Well, let me tell you, that guy fucking, I saw him when I first started stand-up. That guy murdered harder than anyone I've ever seen fucking murder. That's my favorite comedian. I just finished his book. That's crazy. Yeah? Did he write it?

Yeah, well, it's about him. I don't know if he wrote it or not. It's a buy my gift, man. I fucking love this guy. It's a misspelled word, so he probably did it right. I would be comfortable getting schizophrenia

if his voice was in my head. Yeah. No, it's true. That's why we made him the first ever male regular in the history of the show. And we're excited for a new minute every week from him live here on the Internet at the Comedy Store and on Kill Tony. He'll be here every week and on the five-year anniversary.

It's Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen. What do you think? Back to the bucket, right? Should we? Should we meet somebody? Should we get another Double Tito's and soda? There you go. Your shirt's still on.

Another Double Tito's and soda for Bert Kreischer. All right. This looks familiar. Put your hands together for Jess Wood. Jess Wood. Here she comes. Yeah. This is a fun one.

Oh, yeah. She was on a few weeks ago, a couple weeks ago. Good side move. Clear hands together for Jess Wood, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. Ah. Nice. Hey.

So I was raised by hippies in Topanga Canyon. And everybody was naked all the time. Like all the time naked. Not a nudist colony. Not that structured. Just naked. Pretty sure I've breastfed off five different ladies. You know, just like, here, it's free and it's love.

Just take it. It's free love. Who made this baby? It's awesome. I just found out what my first word was as a baby. I was so excited. I was like, oh, my God, was it mama? Was it dada? No, apparently my first word was ear. So it was exciting to find out. It's kind of scary when everybody's naked around you, you know, especially your dad.

Maybe you're looking for him one day and you're just like, Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Aw, Daddy! Oh my God, true story. Aw, Jesus Christ, I heard from the... Oh, thank you. There you go, Jess Wood. How about that? Boom.

I remember you. You were on the show two or three weeks ago. You've been doing stand-up. Was it seven? Or wait, no, you never even admitted to us how long you've been doing it. Was it seven years? Times seven. Yeah, so it's been a while that you've been doing stand-up.

Yes. And you're very funny. We had a great interview portion with you where you admitted to having, what was it, five abortions? Yes. Right? Well, your mom had five kids. I made the right choice. I guess so.

Yeah. If they are female, throw them in the well. Exactly. And another fun set here tonight. Thank you. So how's life going? It's good. It's really good.

I haven't done acid recently. We talked about acid last time I was here. Talked about PCP. Smoked a lot of PCP. Not anymore. But I have smoked a lot. So much that I'm really happy to be here. I see what you did there.

You feel me? Me too. Right? I see. Maybe. What's the matter, Bobby? Ask her that. Come on. You can do it. I'm not going to tell you who, but somebody up here wants to know why you just never

use condoms with a guy. Why do you just keep getting abortions? Are you allergic to rubber or something? I did get pregnant off a condom once. Once off the diaphragm, because I'm 92. And once off the sponge.

And once off... Are you putting them in your ass or something? How could you get pregnant all the times using all those different things? You're lying. Very fertile. I like what you just did right there. How could you get pregnant all the times using all those different things? You're lying. I'm very fertile. Yeah, that's so funny.

But I like what you just did right there. I got pregnant off a diaphragm because I'm 92. I don't think anyone knows. I don't think people use diaphragms anymore. But that's funny. Put that in your act. The sponge. What was that about?

You would just get cream-pied and shove a sponge up there? Oh, dude, the sponge was the shit. That sounds like I would have. I remember using the sponge. I would have carried around. If I was using the sponge. I would have carried around, if I was alive back then, I would have had sponges in my pocket just ready to go. The chick would,

I think she'd moisten it, put it in her vagina, and then you just hit it like a fucking heavy bag. Just go, go, go, go, go, go. It got taken off the market because everyone was getting pregnant from it. I definitely blew loads of chicks

with a sponge in them. Hell yeah. Yes. I guess blew loads of chicks with a sponge in. Hell yeah. Yes. I guess it's not really a cream pie. It's probably more of a sponge cake, right? Yes. Oh, lordy. So, Jess, would I ask you what you do for a living

last time you were on? No, for money, I'm a waitress. Oh, really? What denny's are you a waitress at? It's Roscoe's. Is it? No, I wish waitress at? It's Roscoe's. Is it? No, I wish. I wish I worked at Roscoe's.

No, it's some shitty place on Fairfax. I don't want to talk. I mean, I'll get fired. They already don't like me because I'm a Jew. You're Jewish? Yes. They love Jews on Fairfax. What are you talking about?

I know. It seems weird. It seems very weird. You were born in a Jewish... I just got high, so my head's not working right. What's up? No, my mom was a Jew, got a nose job, and changed her name when she moved to L.A. from New York

because she was an actress, and that's what you're supposed to do. Was she successful? No. Oh. Was she on anything we might recognize? The Last Starfighter. No shit.

There's some fans out there. That was a good movie. It's like a weird cult movie. Yeah, I was gonna say the two guys clapping look like real nerds. Can I ask you a question? Yes, Bobby. Hi. Did you start later in life? I mean, or did you do stand-up,

quit, and then come back? I mean, what's your story? Did you... I did, yeah. I did stand-up for a year, and I got on Def Comedy Jam, and then got on Deaf Comedy Jam. And then they broke my heart because they didn't know what to do with me because they wanted to put me in FUBU and braid my hair. And I was like, no, I want to be myself. And they were like, well, we don't know what to do with you. And they kicked me to the curb.

And it was sad, so it broke my heart, so I stopped. But I was doing, like, one-person shows. I could never stop being on stage and telling my story. Man, you should have worn the Fubu and braided the hair. You could have been the new Tiffany Haddish. Hi, Jeremiah. So that was Deaf Comedy Jam. But you refused.

I'm pretty sure you refused to tell us the year, right? No, I told you last time it was 96. And then you said I was 96. 1896. Yes. Yes, Sia. 96. Yes, Sia. 96. Yes, Sia.

Sweet. How old are you? I think we're all pretty much the same age. I said that last time. A little younger than you. Just a couple years. Yeah? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Very cool. Very cool. Say your age, wench. I did. I did. I love that Los Angeles tattoo you have on your right eye.

I do, too. Very aggressive. I love that. You're you have on your right eye. I do, too. Very aggressive. I love that. You're born and raised here? I am born and raised here. And the guy who did this was a graffiti artist that I grew up with who was homeless for a while, was in jail for a while, and now he's out and he's clean and he's doing tattoos. Wow.

So he does a lot of my tattoos. And to pay for it, did you jacked him off? Ah! I wanted to, though. I want to. He's the outlaw. I like him. I like outlaws.

Did he get his record expunged? Oh, shit. I don't understand. It's a sponge joke. Do you need tattoos on your diaphragm? No. I don't. My mom had a tattoo on her titty. My mom's dead now, but it's okay. She didn't like this life. But she had a tattoo

on her titty, and she always liked to show everybody. I don't have any tattoos on my titties. Well, that's the... I don't know if you know this, but women that get tattoos... We made out, Brian. And I met your girlfriend. Wait, wait, wait.

I want to hear this story. Peer, peer, peer, peer. We made out, Brian. The spotlight just came on. Make some noise for Danny Lucas. I love that. Next time, just hit the spotlight and turn off all the stage lights when that happens.

Oh, fuck. You guys made out, Brian? What do you got to say about this? I don't remember this. Wow. Before my mom died, she told me my dad Wasn't my real dad And it's a little late in life to find that shit out That sucks

She told you that right before she died So you told her She told you that and then you killed her Yes no about a year before she died At least it wasn't incest then What the fuck For a second I thought to myself Is one of the top shelf brass band guys

trying to make a joke during my show? And all of a sudden I realize it's you. A wacky boy over here. So how'd your mom die? Just in her sleep. She wasn't sick or anything. How long before she died did she tell you that your dad wasn't your real dad?

And where did she sleep? She was at the actor's old age home in the valley. They have like a home for actors. She slept in a bear trap. Oh, I thought you meant she was going to sleep on railroad tracks. Oh.

You did get high, fucker. How the fuck? I don't know why it's that fucking hilarious. Oh my God. Let me repicture it. My mom died in her sleep, but she was sleeping on railroad tracks. Fuck you guys. That is actually pretty funny now that I think about it. My mom died in her

sleep. No, she was sleeping in the ocean. Wait, what old, where did she die again? At the sag old. There's a sag old... Yes, yes, 100%. How sad is that? It's not, it's great. But she didn't make it in the business, so she's now dying in the thing? Well, she died in the thing. I get what you're saying, by the way, Bird,

and it is really funny. It's like my mom died in her sleep. Yeah, she was flying an airplane at the time and fell asleep. And she fell asleep. Payne Stewart died asleep. It's not working, Bert. She ran into some guy that was carrying

two paintings down the street. Let it go. The dog died asleep. She was on a motorcycle. She's a really bad narcoleptic. Jess, you are such a fun interview. I'm going to pass out.

Anything else you think that's worth talking about up here? I was just going to tell you that I DNA'd with a guy that was a criminal for 35 years that I'd never met before. I DNA'd with him. What do you mean DNA'd with him? We swabbed spit in the car in his Mercedes that he was driving. I was like, fuck, you have a Mercedes.

I was raised on welfare. I need to, you know, maybe he's my dad. I was really excited that he would be my dad. He sold coke to Richard Pryor. Like, I wanted this guy to be my fucking dad. He was a cool drug dealer on the Lamb guy. But he died too. It's a fucking great story.

Did he die in his sleep? Yeah. On railroad tracks. Fucking kidding me? All right. There she goes. Jess Wood. Thank you.

Great stuff, Jess. Thank you, guys. I love you. Come on. She's a comedy veteran. Make some noise for Jess Wood. It takes a lot of guts to sign up for this show, whether you have a lot of experience or not.

What do you guys say? We go to the bucket one more time? I don't know. The second level didn't really make any noise. You guys think so? One more? All right, let's do it. All right.

Put your hands together for Sid Williams. Here we go. Sid Williams. There he comes. He's your final comedian of the night, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds. One more time for Sid Williams, everybody. I got an email at 4 in the morning from Best Buy,

which is like, first off, get the fuck out of my email. Best Buy, if you're closed right now, don't fuck, if I can't talk to you, don't fucking talk to me, Best Buy. I can't bother you at 4 in the morning, don't bother me. So they send me this marketing email. It's it's like hey you want to buy a fucking two thousand dollar tv no best buy i don't so i unsubscribe right they send me they send me a second email just to be dicks let me know hey you're unsubscribed. But by the way, it's going to take 10 business days for the unsubscription to go through. The electronic superstore of the fucking world is going to take 10 days to unsubscribe.

Can you get fucking Geek Squad to unsubscribe me, you fucks? Yeah, that's all I got. Oh, I love it. Wow. That guy is... He's like Bill Burr, but with no punchlines. He's so passionate about this. He's just so upset.

He's just really passionately telling you what happened to him. You can really tell Sid accidentally leaves his alerts on his emails when he's trying to sleep. Oh, fucking best buy. I'm going to write this down in my joke book. This is the email I've been waiting for. Fucking Best Buy. This new material just writes itself. Email.

You're like the weirdest looking dude I've ever seen in my fucking life. Why don't you address that up front? I'm a black Spielberg. Don't get angry No, no, he's okay You look like Tim Burton drew you Yeah

Let me just catch you guys up Address that up front I haven't quite figured that out yet Like what I look like You look like Drake meets world That's funny Yes You look like Drake meets world. That's funny. Yes.

Yes, we've been over this with Sid a couple times, telling him what he looks like. I believe I once told him that it looks like someone put his head into a vice, squoze it, and elongating it. I believe I've said that he has a face that looks like an athlete's foot. Right? It's foot. Right? It's long.

All right. Sid, what do you think you look like? If you could describe yourself in a silly way, what would you say? I think probably the best way would be Drake meets world. When I was a kid, I got Corey Matthews a lot. Yeah. What about biracial Doug Funny? I don't know what that is.

From the cartoon Doug on Nickelodeon in the 90s. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Is that Rugrats? I didn't watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. I didn't watch Nickelodeon. It kind of looks like you took his face and then pinched and zoomed, but pinched and zoomed out.

You know what I mean? Yeah, you mean like put it in a vice? Yeah. You mean like put it out of the vice. I don't know what pinch and zoomed out. You know what I mean? Yeah, you mean like put it in a vice? Yeah. I don't know what pinch and zoom is. It's just hard to do rant type of comedy in 60 seconds. It is. Your style.

I have a 15 minute rant. About that best buy email? No, no, no. No, it's about my previous jobs. It's a 15 minutes. I've been working on it for like seven months or so. It's pretty sharp. 15 minutes.

Wow. What's longer, the joke or your face? Very funny. But it's more rant style. Actually, the joke I did tonight, somebody told me to do it. It was the first thing I ever did at an open mic. I just basically typed up a Best Buy rant, and then I did it at an open mic.

But I was like a lot. I just started. Rants are tough because they don't really start as rants. They have to build. Yeah, and then you just got to be a joke. You got to find the joke first that allows you into the rant. So if I were you, I'd take that Best Buy thing and just give me a punch so I'm along for the rant. So if I were you, I'd take that Best Buy thing and just

give me a punch so I'm along for the ride. Yeah. See, I have that longer rant and it's like it builds from the very start. It starts low and then it escalates. I had been working on it for a while and it's got jokes throughout. I didn't know. My friend was like

just do that Best Buy thing and kill Tony. It's only a minute. That person is not your friend. He's my manager, so we'll have to have a talk. Oh, really? You have a manager? I just got him last month. Wow. The manager at the Best Buy.

What do you do for work? I manage an apartment building. You manage an apartment building. Oh, really? My wife did that. Yeah, I know. It's really great. It is. It's a lifesaver. Dude, I never wanted to leave that apartment. Yeah.

435 South Detroit Street. That's a good neighborhood. It was a great neighborhood. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We had the top. With what? Top floor?

I don't know. I just realized we were just having a conversation. I'm interested. I'm interested. We had the top loft. It was fucking amazing. We had a loft. I have a one bedroom and it's all right.

But it does have a dishwasher Which is also another game changer What is your floor space? Square feet? I don't know what ours was back then So Sid How long have you been Managing apartments for?

It's been It's been Three weeks Since you looked at me A year Like two months What are the most Calls about?

You have to plunge toilets, snakes and shit? No, I don't do any of that. I just get a lot of useless stuff. Most of the stuff I get calls about is stuff that doesn't matter. They're like, hey, my smoke detector is out. It's like, all right, fuck off, change the battery. It's a lot of that stuff. You get a real microcosm of humanity

when you manage an apartment building. My wife had a bulimic, a schizophrenic, a person who was addicted to meth. We had a drug dealer. Like, there's bizarre things. Like, we had a drug dealer, and the cops would just try to bust him all the time. But he was our neighbor.

And he'd be like, hey, can you watch my turtle this week? And you'd be like, yeah, sure. But I would definitely delve into that that's one guy yeah i'm kind of waiting till i'm out of it oh yeah you know what i mean it's kind of like a lifesaver what's the craziest person you're building right now uh this old filipino dude he just won't ever leave me alone like he'll he'll come to our door at six in the morning everybody else he'll come to what he'll come to what to our door oh my god you morning. Everybody else. He'll come to what? He'll come to what? To our door. Oh my God. You're like everyone else texts and emails.

Cause everyone's, you know, and then he'll six in the morning, just ringing the doorbell and it'll be over nothing. You know, and it's just like, you wake up like, don't you know,

it was just two hours ago since I was awakened by an email. Sid, what do you like to do for fun? What are your hobbies when you're not doing stand-up and working at the apartment building? You seem like you're into, what is it, pinball or something like that? No, no. I do stand-up

a few nights a week. I have a show every Wednesday, so that's a thing. Comedy Chow, gonna plug it every Wednesday at the Hooters of Hollywood. Oh, wait. Wait, I've met you. It's fun. I've met you.

You haven't met me, but you probably met one of the other producers. I love Hooters. You should really do the show. You should do it. It's a good room. I love Hooters. Tony's done it a few times. He loves it.

He raves about it. He respects us a lot. Oh, I love Hooters. Joel did it. Yeah. It's cool. They built a stage. They put a lot of love into it. It's a fun it. He respects us a lot. Oh, I love Hooters. Joel did it. Yeah. It's cool. They built a stage. They put a lot of love into it.

It's a fun show. So we do that every Wednesday. I do that. And then, you know, I manage the building. I have a girlfriend. Would I have to sign up or would you put me right up? If you walked in, we'd probably throw you up. Thank you.

But the second time, we'd probably throw you away. Keyword, probably. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. One. And then I have a girlfriend that takes up a few nights a week as well. How long have you been doing that Hooters show? I've been involved personally for about a year and a half.

I've been hosting the open mic portion for about a year. Is your girlfriend here? Mm-mm. Damn it. What does she do? I just want to see what she looks like. She manages the building with me, and she bartends at night. And she does like modeling and shit like that.

Ooh. Modeling. Wow. Interesting. Tony, the band said she looks like Patty Mayonnaise. It's another Doug joke. All right. I'm really bad with references.

I don't get any references. Yeah, yeah. All right. Wait, what is your ethnic background if you don't mind me asking? I'm half white And half Puerto Rican Oh really Wow His ethnic background is

Huh Are you an angry guy I mean you have this I'm really not Yeah can you I just interrupted you Like a dick Yeah you did

No I No I'm not My My like Comedy's kind of angry But in real life I'm pretty chill. But I think comedy's kind of the venue for me to get it out. I don't know if it's because you look like McEnroe or you have McEnroe rage. I don't get the...

What's John McEnroe? It's John McEnroe, a very famous tennis player. You don't know who the fuck John McEnroe is? What does he do? No, there's no way he would. Why, it's tennis, no? Yeah, no, but it was tennis when we were kids. Yeah, very famous.

Even tennis today. Very famous. No idea. Amongst all ages. How old are you? 28, 29 next month. You're half Puerto Rican. Is your mom Puerto Rican or your dad's Puerto Rican?

Mom. Mom's Puerto Rican. Yeah. I could tell you were Puerto Rican when most of your jokes lost their power halfway through. Wow. That was a very quick joke. I got to give you props for that one. That was a good one.

Very funny. And that's how an episode of Kill Tony goes down. That's Sid Williams, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter. It's Sid the Adult. Wow, what a fun episode. Hey, can we make some noise for Bobby Lee and Bert Kreischer? You guys plug some dates, please.

The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Check that out. You guys plug dates, please, for the love of God. People are listening all around the world. I am on tour. I'm at the Stardome in Alabama sometime in June. Yeah, Bobby. Tomorrow night, I'm on a sitcom splitting up together.

Watch it. Jeremiah Watkins. Yes. Give it up for the at Top Shelf Brass Band on Instagram. Follow them. Yes, please do. And you can follow me on social media at Jeremiah Stand Up and listen to my podcast, Jeremiah Wonders.

The great Chroma Chris was here all night tonight. I don't know if you guys were paying attention, but he was there. Chroma Chris, what did you think about tonight's episode? I absolutely loved it, Tony. You could say it was a good night. Yeah. With a K. Chroma Chris.

How about we make some noise for Joel Berg, ladies and gentlemen? Joel Berg's on social media, mostly sorry on everything. What else, Joel? Thank you to San Francisco. We had a really good time there this weekend. At Top Shelf Brass Band for everything Top Shelf Brass Band. I love you guys. Josh Martin was amazing with us this weekend in San Francisco, all of his help,

all the fun dates that are coming up. I'm in Boston this Saturday at Boston Calling, a big festival. dates that are coming up. I'm in Boston this Saturday at Boston Calling, a big festival. And then, yeah, we have that new Portland Kill Tony, a new Cleveland Kill Tony, Fort Wayne Kill Tony, Grand Rapids. The new Kill Tony shirt could be found

at shopsquad.tv. Grand Rapids, Lansing, Detroit, Austin, Houston, and Dallas, Texas. TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets to my stand-up shows and to Kill Tony's and things, Texas. TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets to my stand-up shows and to Kill Tony's and things like that. We have other fun shows coming up here every Monday, 8 p.m.,

in the main room of the Comedy Store. Live audience, thank you so much for coming out. Have a great night. We love you. See you guys. Better than a old damn town Better than a hooking car Weiner than a junkyard dog Good Friday, that ain't me begging Hero, shootin' dice And at the edge of the bar

Sat a girl named Dolores And oh, that girl looked nice Well, it cast his eyes upon her And the trouble soon began And Leroy Brown, he turned a mess about a mess With the wife of a jealous man And he fell