KILL TONY - KILL TONY #269

Episode Date: June 1, 2018

Ron Funches, Brent Morin, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 05/28/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/ad...choices

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Starting point is 00:00:46 Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website DeathSquad.tv. There you can find all the past episodes, including video portions of all the shows and all the stuff that we do at Death Squad. You could also check out our tour dates. Click on tour dates and there you can get tickets to see Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. Or we are always on the road. We are coming to Detroit. We are coming to Indiana.
Starting point is 00:01:17 We are even maybe Cleveland. A bunch of new dates are being added all the time. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website that has some tour dates on there. Also, and all the information you need of the Golden Pony, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He drew every episode. He drew the poster.
Starting point is 00:01:41 He drew the book. Go to his website to get a bunch of cool shit. Go to ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. There you have all the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including Death Squad hats and mugs and shirts. But we also have the new Kill Tony number two shirt, the second shirt that we've done. That's up for preorder right now. So get in your preorders so you can guarantee your
Starting point is 00:02:07 shirt. Just click on Kill Tony by going to shopsquad.tv Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Get up, Tony. Hey, what's up, everybody?
Starting point is 00:02:33 Welcome. How are you? Hell yeah. I like this. It's a mellow little Monday. Just a little half-packed main room for you. Memorial Day. That's right. Happy Memorial Day, ladies and gentlemen.
Starting point is 00:02:46 How about that? We're here. A lot of people celebrating barbecues. Not us. We came for blood, people. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. You guys having fun so far? Brian Redband's here. What's up, guys? Ryan J. Ebel sitting there drawing tonight's episode.
Starting point is 00:03:02 And a lot of fun stuff planned for us tonight. And Kill Tony's going on the road. Fuck yeah. Yeah, we're going to Portland. This one got booked spur of the moment. So we're in Portland June 17th. That's coming up. Yeah, very fast.
Starting point is 00:03:18 Yeah, I'm doing a whole weekend of stand-up there June 15th and 16th. And then Kill Tony's in Portland on the 17th on the Sunday. And then Kill Tony's in Cleveland on August 1th, on the Sunday, and then Kill Tony's in Cleveland on August 1st, of Hilarities, and then we do Stand Up on August 2nd, and then we do Kill Tony on August 4th. And then I do Lexington
Starting point is 00:03:33 the 9th, 10th, and 11th of August, and then we do Kill Tony Nashville on August 12th. Did we announce that last week, that that's the rescheduled Nashville date? No, I don't think so. Well, guess what, Nashville? I got some breaking news for you. August 12th, we're back at you.
Starting point is 00:03:50 Lansing, Michigan. September 20th, Grand Rapids the 21st. In Detroit, Kill Tony with Danny Brown on the 22nd. Yes, that's Danny Brown on the phone. Yes. And then we're in Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth after that.
Starting point is 00:04:06 The Kill Tony shirt is available pre-order. It ships this week. If you haven't ordered yet, go to shopsquad.tv. We also ordered a bunch of them we're going to have for the five-year anniversary that you can buy here at the Comedy Store. We just want to pick it up. And that's on the five-year anniversary. That's June 18th.
Starting point is 00:04:21 That's already sold out. But the week after, the guest will be Tom Segura. So get tickets for that. Why not? Everybody loves Tom. And let's just jump right into it, shall we? Should we bring up tonight's guest? Every week
Starting point is 00:04:38 I always have two of the funniest, most amazing and awesome comedians in the world on this show. This week's no different. It's the return guest. You know him from so many great things. Put your hands together for our Ron Funches and Brent Morin, everybody. Undateable, movies, television, Conan, The Tonight Show. Plethora of great things. You guys have been on Kill Tony before. Welcome back. Always a pleasure to have you.
Starting point is 00:05:09 How are you guys doing tonight? Doing good. Hell yeah. How about you, Brent? I feel great. I love it. I'm excited. So much fun stuff going on with you guys.
Starting point is 00:05:19 Brent, you're in Madison this weekend. And Ron, you're in Vancouver this weekend. You're taping your special at the Neptune Theater June 19th. Yeah. Which is awesome. You from Seattle? No, I'm from Oregon.
Starting point is 00:05:32 Oh, yeah. But it just seems like a fun place to do it. God, I love the way you talk. I know, it's so romantic. It's just so soothing. Yeah, I know. I take a nap. It like relaxes my energy.
Starting point is 00:05:46 So you're like my dog whisperer or something like that. You, like, make me more mellow. Yeah, he's like a natural Xanax. Yeah, we do have, like, opposite energy. It's true. It is true. Speaking of opposite energies, guys, we have a big, crazy band that's part of the show. How many people out there have any idea what show you're at right now?
Starting point is 00:06:06 There's a band that comes out every week and they commit to characters. We never know what they're going to do. Last week they had a 10-piece brass band come out and back them up, which was epic. It's amazing. Yeah. Sometimes they're mimes. Sometimes they just broke out of prison.
Starting point is 00:06:22 I don't know what they're going to be tonight. So let's see what they do. It's the Kill Tony Band, guys. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, Chroma Chris, the Kill Tony Band. Come on. Where's the something? Hell yeah. Uh-oh. Wow.
Starting point is 00:06:39 Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Star Wars. Wow. Oh, my God. hilarious. Star Wars. Wow. Oh my god, yes. Jesus Christ. That's awesome. Wow.
Starting point is 00:06:52 Definitely Star Wars themed. I'm not exactly sure who's who. Wow. What the... Oh my goodness. You're my sister! Wow. Alright.
Starting point is 00:07:06 Luke Skywalker and Joel just made out. Yeah, that's Chroma Chris. You're really liking this look, I can tell. This is something you're really into this. Wow. Is this Han Solo if he was frozen longer in carbonite? The thawing process did not work on you. Hey, Tony.
Starting point is 00:07:36 Hey, there he is, Han Solo. And then we clearly have, yeah. Can we get the, that's perfect. What?, yeah. Can we get the, that's perfect. What? Fuck yeah. We have Chroma Chris, who actually does in a weird way look like Luke Skywalker. Pretty fucking weird. I never really noticed it before.
Starting point is 00:07:56 So we found your true calling here tonight. And then look at this dirty slut back here. I think we've seen this wig a few times. It's Princess Leia. You can see those brown nips. Yeah, no bra. I mean, my labia is about to fall out right now. Where did you get a Princess Leia dress from?
Starting point is 00:08:21 I don't want to talk about it. I already had it. I love it. Well, everything's in place. I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time. Anything can happen. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.
Starting point is 00:08:38 That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You don't want that to happen. You guys ready to start this show or what? Here we are. This is it. Three weeks away. Yeah, that's a fun little thing.
Starting point is 00:08:50 From the five-year anniversary. Fuck yeah. All right. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Alexander Rizzo. Here we go. Here we go. I don't see any movement. I don't see any movement
Starting point is 00:09:05 I don't see any movement Uh oh Blacklisted Fear got him Or her When you hear that backup alarm Oh this is actually interesting I know this guy
Starting point is 00:09:19 We know him if you guys are fans of Malcolm Hatchett The regular on this show I know this guy as the guy that's his neighbor, and by that he sleeps in his car next to Malcolm. I mean, their cars are next to each other, not next to each other. And they both sleep in their cars. So let's see what happens, ladies and gentlemen. It's Srijoy Mitra for the very first time ever on Kill Tony.
Starting point is 00:09:44 I love it. He's acting surprised like he didn't know he slept in a car next to Malcolm every night. He's shocked that it's him. He can't believe it. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Make some noise for
Starting point is 00:09:59 Sreejoy Mitra. Thank you. No vendre sans un bonnet Thank you. That was great. I'm just friends with Malcolm. I just do music. I don't do nothing else. And I like Tony, and I hang out with him sometimes. Your power is so incredible that you broke the soundboard, Srijoy.
Starting point is 00:11:12 The cat literally fell asleep during whatever note you hit there. Fuck yeah, Srijoy Mitra, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. It's a huge breakdown in uh the show's format sri joy all right wow i love what's happening here uh i thank you for taking a break from doing yoga to be on uh this show first of all you seem so shocked is this you that signed up tonight yes yeah it definitely was yeah. And then I pulled your name out and you seemed so excited, right? Like it was unbelievable.
Starting point is 00:11:51 Yeah, I, yeah. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. So how many times have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Never ever in my life. Right, you still haven't. Don't get it twisted. Yeah, I don't. Well, I'm not
Starting point is 00:12:09 going to lie though. When I went to private school for 10 years, I was the only brown person, so before they could be racist to me, I was racist to myself in front of them. It's like a defense mechanism.
Starting point is 00:12:26 Can you give us an example of the types of things you would say about yourself? I wouldn't say... I would just... What was that thing? Wrong Disney movie. This is Mowgli, dude. Joelberg is here. Holy shit.
Starting point is 00:12:43 I mean, it's brown on brown, so it's okay. So, what do you mean you would make fun of yourself? I would just talk like this. Mainly, that was it. I don't know. They would just get a kick out of it. Right, right, right. So now, let me get this right, because I know a little bit about you,
Starting point is 00:13:06 because we have a regular on this show. You guys know we've always had people that don't come out of the bucket. There's always one person that's a regular. We have our first ever male regular, Malcolm Hatchett. Cool story. He's been on the show a couple months, writes and performs a new 60 Seconds every week,
Starting point is 00:13:22 still lives in his car, but just got signed by a big agent and is already getting work opportunities and things like that. And then there's Srijoy, who also sleeps in his car, friends with Malcolm. You guys are from the same hometown, right?
Starting point is 00:13:35 That's where in North Carolina? Winston-Salem. Winston-Salem. There's some Winston-Salem music for you. You know when you say Winston-Salem, all the wacky music starts. Some of that New Orleans sounding. That is such Winston-Salem music. Am I right, people?
Starting point is 00:13:57 It's the last three seconds of Bare Necessities from Jungle Book. That's what it is? Like what's right before that sound like? Okay, now I believe you. Oh, wow, Han Solo knows how to play Bear Necessities. I guess they were out in theaters at the same time. So, Srijoy, you're a musician, right? Yeah
Starting point is 00:14:26 And what do you do other than what you did here tonight? You play instruments and stuff? Mainly classical piano And then I have material On every musical Digital media Right, and that's what you want to be You want to be basically like a rock star, right?
Starting point is 00:14:43 Yeah, I just want to pursue music, just play live my own songs. Right, right. No ghostwriters for you. All right. Well, I mean, how's that working out for you? I mean, for example, Malcolm wanted to take the comedic route, so he signed up for this show and sort of like you know a comedy show does stand-up comedy for 60 seconds when he gets okay yeah i do there's a there's a jazz place i go like
Starting point is 00:15:12 after this so yeah it's the same thing it is consistency every single day practice and then go out meet people in the industry yeah and just main thing is consistent. Yeah, take the mic out. Uh-oh, settling in. Let people know. Yeah, no, I'm just saying like the main thing is consistency through diligence, meeting people, practicing, keeping a good mindset. I mean, I know that the reason why I sign up is because like
Starting point is 00:15:40 you're friends with Malcolm, so like I know that if anybody knows this other than Malcolm, it's you that knows that it is consistency and commitment to what you like to do. Absolutely. You are living your best life of Pi. So imagine you're a rock star, right? And the whole crowd is there to see your songs.
Starting point is 00:16:11 Can you give us an example? Because I guess since you don't really want to be a stand-up comedian, there's no point in us giving you any advice or anything like that. But I guess we could practice your segues in between songs or maybe at the end. What would be your version of, Hey, you guys want to hear one more fucking song tonight or what? Let's hear that. What do you mean? You're a rock star.
Starting point is 00:16:32 People want an encore. Did you just remix yourself? Han Solo taking no prisoners tonight. I don't know what you mean by that. I really don't know. Break it down, baby. So you're a musician, right?
Starting point is 00:16:51 Okay, let's say you're playing piano and you got the crowd all hyped. What would be something that you would say into the microphone at some point? Would you like more? You know what? That's pretty good. We can't really give you any advice on that. more? You know what? That's pretty good. We can't really give you any advice on that.
Starting point is 00:17:06 Can you give us an example of how you would arrive at your piano and welcome the audience? You don't really have to do the physical part so much. Like that? I guess so. If you just ignore them and walk right up to the piano like a goddamn demented demon, then that's what you should do.
Starting point is 00:17:26 If that's your approach, is just don't acknowledge them. Han Solo? Tony, he reminds me of one of the sand people on Tatooine. Yeah? How? Wow. What was this?
Starting point is 00:17:46 So Street Joy How do you survive? Yeah, that's a good question My parents support me My parents support me Your three hot dogs at 7-Eleven? Whoa, Jesus, Red Band Oh, come on
Starting point is 00:18:02 They're booing you They're physically booing you tonight. I love this crowd. Look at that. You podcast listeners, people are throwing tomatoes on this stage. Thank God I'm hungry. They work at Wake Forest University. Sounds like a real place.
Starting point is 00:18:21 Yeah. What? They both work at Wake Forest? What do they do at Wake Forest? They are professors. My dad does communication. My mom is in biophysics. Oh, they must hate your life right now.
Starting point is 00:18:35 Why do you live in a car then? Yeah, why are they embarrassed? I mean, is this car like tough love? That's why. I guess mainly because it took a while for me to convince them to allow me. Yeah, now they work at Woke Forest. Okay, I fucked that up. I fucked it up.
Starting point is 00:18:53 No, don't laugh just because he hosts the show. It's true. Don't. I'm telling you, I fucked that one up. I guess no one in the family has done something like this and uh i've just can i've i've shown them my devotion to music and yeah i have done good things in music before how old are you 23 how long do you think they're going to support you for how long do you think you have you you think it's everlasting? Well, technically it is,
Starting point is 00:19:26 but I don't want their support after a year and a half. You've set a date. You've set a date. Did you tell them about this date? No. Just a case, you know? Fucking perfect. If I were you, then I can give you a good piece of advice here tonight.
Starting point is 00:19:43 My piece of advice is don't tell them that, Dave. Well, they're going to hear it now. But I've actually heard you play piano backstage sometimes after the show's over. There's a big, giant grand piano back there, and he has access due to his immediate friendship with Malcolm Hatchett. And it is pretty awesome. You are sort of really great at that. Thank you. So how can people find your work?
Starting point is 00:20:10 Just by looking you up? S-R-I-J-O-Y? Yeah. If you want to just Google me, that's fine. Google Srijoy Mitra. M-I-T-R-A. Alright, man. Well, thanks for getting the show started tonight. Thank you. There he is, Srijoy Mitra. Came up to sing a little note.
Starting point is 00:20:25 I don't know Anything can happen That's what happens if someone doesn't do comedy That's incredible It just goes to show The show completely runs on its own Have a goddamn musician come up Still the same Put your hands together for Kenny Brown
Starting point is 00:20:44 Here we go Have a goddamn musician come up. Still the same. Put your hands together for Kenny Brown. Here we go. Here comes movement. I see Kenny Brown. Wow, a little Mos Eisley Cantina music. Make some noise for the band. Make some noise for Kenny Brown, ladies and gentlemen. What's good, y'all?
Starting point is 00:21:10 A little about me. I love the group NWA. Niggas with attitude. I love them. Growing up in Long Beach and Compton, I thought I could be a nigga with attitude. Then straight out of Compton came out and my dreams were crushed. Did y'all know them niggas had attitude? Them niggas had so much attitude, god damn.
Starting point is 00:21:30 That's not my group. My group is niggas with asthma. Niggas with Asperger's. Coming straight out of my therapist's office. Niggas with Ashley. Those are niggas that are having sex with my girlfriend Ashley Ashley please stop this stop having sex with these niggas she is not here and not real
Starting point is 00:21:56 I like to wear all black at night because I'm part of a competitive hide-and-go-seek league. Thank you. Are the people you're playing hide-and-seek against the police? Hi, Kenny. Is this your first time on the show? My third time.
Starting point is 00:22:31 Oh, okay. What have we found out about you? Last time I was on, I think. No, you know. You remember exactly what the fuck happened. Last time I was on, we talked about my arms and how thick they were, how big I was. What? Yeah, no. You guys, like, talked about how small my how thick they were, how big I was. What? Yeah, no.
Starting point is 00:22:45 You guys talked about how small my arms were. Oh, yeah, you do have skinny arms. That's right. No, no, I'm seeing it now. Not how thick they are. Not how thick they are. I love that. And last time I was on, Felipe Esparza, instead of Don Cheeto, he called me Don Hot Cheetos.
Starting point is 00:23:01 All right. Well, look, works on two podcasts, I guess. That's all I see is, like, toothp works on two podcasts I guess. That's all I see is like toothpicks coming out of a potato. That's true. It really is incredible. Those are some really tiny arms. A real
Starting point is 00:23:17 what went wrong funches. What? No, but Kenny, seriously, it's not all jokes. He is one of the funniest up-and-coming quadriplegic fully mobile comedians. It's incredible that you can move around and still have the bare bones. I've got thick quads at least. Yeah, everything else is normal size.
Starting point is 00:23:41 It's incredible. Your forearms are more like one arms. If we got Shree back up here, they could sing the bare necessities. else is normal size. It's incredible. Your forearms are more like one arms. If we got Shree back up here, they could sing the Bear Necessities. He looks like Baloo. Alright, moving on. Wow. Risky joke back there. Princess Leia taking chances.
Starting point is 00:23:58 My goodness. Wow. The force is strong back there, huh? Oh boy. Kenny, what do you do for work? I work security at a warehouse. Oh, yeah. Oh, you learned that last time too.
Starting point is 00:24:12 Yeah. Okay. I do nothing. I pretty much stand outside and listen to podcasts. Have you ever had to secure anything? I put out a fire one time. Literally one time, that's all. How'd you put it out?
Starting point is 00:24:26 Sat on it. What's that supposed to mean? Get off me! That's a fat joke. It's a fat Baloo joke. I'm a big guy. I'm a thick guy. I, uh, no, I, uh... Was it a fire extinguisher? A shirt? Like, how'd you put it out? At first,
Starting point is 00:24:41 I got a couple water bottles and I tried Oh, it was a trash can fire? I tried that. It was just a basic trash can fire? It was like a little bush fire. Just a little bush fire. And then I tried it. It didn't work.
Starting point is 00:24:53 The other cat came out from the office. How did it start? This homeless cat with a cigarette flicked his ass. Wow. Yeah. So you're a hero. Yeah. The other cat with the fire extinguisher was
Starting point is 00:25:05 Yeah but you got there first So there's that First responder You work with Kenny when you're not doing stand up What else are you into? Competitive not having arms competitions Good one Tony Thank you Thank you Han competitive not having arms competitions.
Starting point is 00:25:26 Good one, Tony. Thank you. Not clapping. Thank you, Han. To be honest, I just started working out. Because I just went to the doctor. He said I lost weight, and I had to. It was in your forearm.
Starting point is 00:25:44 So you lost forearm weight in an unheard of event. The doctor's like, this is incredible. We've weighed your forearm separately from your body. Wow. So what kind of working out are you doing? Legs weak. I just go out and walk my dog. I tried hot yoga for a couple times.
Starting point is 00:26:02 That's good, yeah. Who's really walking who on that walk with your dog? He's dragging me back. What kind of dog do you have? Labrador Retriever. Chewbacca. Wow. How long have you had your dog for? 12 years. He's 700 years old.
Starting point is 00:26:27 You live by yourself? Nah. Okay, guys. All right, all right. Who do you live with? Can I play with that? Who do you live with? I live with my parents right now.
Starting point is 00:26:44 Oh. And it's your dog or is it your parents' dog? It's my dog. I've had it. I adopted it. Ron has gotten permission from Red Band to play with the soundboard for you podcast listeners. That's why everybody's laughing here. You're fired.
Starting point is 00:27:02 Yeah. Can you believe that that's a button? That's a fun button So Kenny I'm just going to keep the interview going It's all good Where were we just talking about? My dog So you live with your parents
Starting point is 00:27:15 And how old are you? 25 And you got the security job You just started working out Are you going to a gym? You have a gym membership? Yes. I don't use it, though. But you said you just started working out.
Starting point is 00:27:32 Like, I walk, and I do, like, fucking insanity and shit. Like, home shit. I don't like being out with people doing shit like that. Oh, I see. Is this a service dog you have? Do I look that retarded now? No, that's not... Yeah, Tony, does he look retarded?
Starting point is 00:27:58 Hey, his words, not Hans. Kenny, what's your love life like? What did you think Han Solo talks like? I don't know. I've been called space trash a lot over the years. So classy and cool. Turn him on. Kenny, what's your love life like?
Starting point is 00:28:28 Yeah, how's Ashley? I've been single for three years And I haven't had sex in three years Really Oh I wish I had it I gotta joke about it Oh alright Have you gone on any dates or anything No I don't know I don't like the apps Have you gone on any dates or anything? No. No? No. Just playing it cool?
Starting point is 00:28:45 I don't like the apps. You don't like the apps? Do you ask people out in real life? It's hard. You're really painting yourself in a corner there. I'm not looking to date. I'm not looking to date either. To me, I'm not looking to date.
Starting point is 00:28:58 You're focused. Have you ever thought about signing up for eHarmony.com and using the backslash Kill Tony and saving 30% off the first month. No, but I've used MeUndies and used the backslash Kill Tony. Oh, yeah. And wearing them right now. Oh, wow.
Starting point is 00:29:13 Well, look at that. I mean, it fits people with tiny forearms. The MeUndies.com. We all put our MeUndies on one pant leg at a time. Now we've got to get a girl to see the MeUndies. What do you say? You seem pretty shy. Why are you so shy?
Starting point is 00:29:30 Have you always been shy? Or did something happen in your childhood? No, I've always been shy. I've been shy since I was a child. As an only child, something happened in my childhood. Yeah, I'm an only child, so I didn't really have people to talk to. Your parents there for you? I love a shy security guard.
Starting point is 00:29:45 Yeah, it's like an indie movie. Hey, God, please get out of here. You don't have brothers and sisters? Hey, when you have a moment, if you wouldn't mind vacating the premises, that'd be great. Yeah. Put that back. You don't have brothers and sisters? One adopted brother, yeah.
Starting point is 00:30:02 One adopted brother. The parents like him more than you? You can say that. Really? No. He's the athlete. He's got shit together. He's got big forearms. Thick.
Starting point is 00:30:19 Is he like jacked? He's got a girl. He's got dad bod now, but he's pretty good. Nice. What does he do? He's got a girl. He's got a dad by now, but he's pretty good. Nice. What does he do? He's a software designer. He does computer shit. That's why he doesn't like the apps. Deep-seated shit going on.
Starting point is 00:30:35 He can hook me up. What do you spend... It seems like you like to spend a lot of time at home, sort of reclusive guy you'd call yourself, right? Yeah, I would. What are some of the things that you do to keep yourself occupied? Play games and shit. You keep the room
Starting point is 00:30:49 dark mostly? Is it a dark room you tend to hang out in? I like to hide in the shadows, yeah. Whoa. Aphrodite reacted to that. I don't know. You're putting out some kind of... She can feel the fact that you haven't been fucked for three years. She's piping up over here. Aphrodite can't help herself.
Starting point is 00:31:07 All right. Well, anything else for Kenny, guys? I thought it was really good, man. Oh, thank you. You're talented. I just think you should, you know, get out there, try to have a more well-rounded life a little bit. Yeah, it's right there.
Starting point is 00:31:20 You're not an ugly guy. You can get a girl. A lot of people think it's just all about comedy focus, but what are you going to talk about, you know, if you're not out there living and hopefully fucking? Yeah. Horse of truth on that one. A little trick of the show.
Starting point is 00:31:35 Next time Tony asks you what you talked about last time, remind him you spent the whole time talking about your big dick. And then... the whole time talking about your big dick. Han Solo's on fire. Millennium Falcon speed over there. All right, one more time for Kenny Brown, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Instagram at KennyBigBelly,
Starting point is 00:31:58 one word. All right. Show's moving along smoothly. We have reached our flying... Some real powerful speeches coming out of these people. Yeah, it is. It's very emotional. It is. It's a powerful episode so far.
Starting point is 00:32:13 Very moving. And I think we're going to stay on that path. We've seen this young man before. Put your hands together for Michael Pena. Here we go. I love that actor. Michael Pena. Here we go. I love that actor. Michael Pena, popping up like a goddamn jack-in-the-box from the middle of the crowd.
Starting point is 00:32:33 It takes a long time for the comedians to get to this stage nowadays. It's a long walk. Here he is. One more time for Michael Pena. Hello, everybody. My time for Michael Pena. Hello, everybody. My name is Michael Pena. Does anybody out there know what Pena means? No, fool.
Starting point is 00:32:52 It means I'm Mexican with white privilege. Look at this. You know, the funny thing about the Latino culture is East Coast and West Coast don't necessarily agree with each other. For example, I had my mechanic friend who's Salvadorian says to me, hey, ask the guy what sospina means. Anybody out there knows what sospina means? What, did I say immigration in the kitchen back there or something? Come on,
Starting point is 00:33:14 come on. It means, are you gay? So I was sucking this guy's dick, and I'm like, hell yeah, I'm big ol' homo, 37 years of fucking this dick. Okay. I think my time's up. All right. Is that it?
Starting point is 00:33:36 You've given up? He's tapping out? He got in and out. You're that confident that that was 60 seconds, huh? Pretty close. 37 years of sucking dick. You still really believe that, huh? That's it. It's going to be so weird when you rewatch that right there. Oh, huh? Pretty close. You still really believe that, huh?
Starting point is 00:33:46 It's going to be so weird when you re-watch that right there. Oh, yeah. No, it is. All right. I suck some dick. That's it. Thanks for having me. I've never had to explain this before, but you guys know the clock doesn't start when you start walking to the stage.
Starting point is 00:34:02 Oh, no. The clock starts as soon as you get up here and start talking. A little fun fact. I think he just got nervous for talking about sucking so many dicks or something. I mean, you talk about sucking dick every time you're on this show, right?
Starting point is 00:34:15 No, it's the first time, actually. Brian never forgets who talks about sucking those dicks. I always remember you. I always remember you, Tony. Don't touch me. Yeah, sucking dick's a pretty hard job. Yeah, get that straw. I always remember you. I always remember you, Tony. Don't touch me. Yeah, sucking dick's a pretty hard job. Yeah, get that straw.
Starting point is 00:34:33 Michael, why do you look like you're about to perform an exorcist on somebody? What is this, a Bible hanging out of your pocket there? Oh, no, no, no. Jokes? Just a thick hardcover joke? No, it's just my look. It's what I like. No, it's a nice look. I go for business.
Starting point is 00:34:44 It's well put together. I work for business. That's what I come from. Of course. my look. It's what I like. No, it's a nice look. It's well put together. I work for business. That's what I come from. Of course. My office. It's like a mayor. It's a compliment. At one point there, would you say that you've been gay for 35 years or out for 35 years?
Starting point is 00:34:57 36 years. Yeah, I've been gay for 36 years. See, that's why you're well put together. 1982. 1982. How old are you? 56. 56. Wow. How old are you? 56. 56.
Starting point is 00:35:06 Wow. How old were you when you came out? I was 21 turning 22. 21 turning. In the 80s. Yeah. Good time. Did you always feel and know like you were gay, or did you just get some bad puss when you were 21?
Starting point is 00:35:19 You know what I mean? No, actually, I was an athlete in college, so it just wasn't cool to be gay, so I wasn't. And then when I turned 21, I kind of figured it out. Wait, what were you in college? I was a gymnast. A gymnast? Wait a minute. Wait, what?
Starting point is 00:35:33 Definitely not cool to be a gay gymnast. Yeah. Doing the ribbons. I mean, how tough for these other gymnasts that you couldn't just say, I'm gay. You guys are doing floor routines with ribbons and you're afraid to tell them, hey, you know, I'm thinking I'm a little gay.
Starting point is 00:35:54 They're probably all like, thank God you said it, so am I. The irony, don't make me hop down from these rings. Dude, you better not be gay. Watch this front end spray. The irony, that's a very sexist thing to say, but it's true. Wait, what's a sexist thing to say? Oh, to say that all gymnasts are gay.
Starting point is 00:36:15 I don't think they're gay. They're strong. Yeah, they're not. I'd be gay for a gym. A very small percentage actually are gay. No, a lot are gay. Well, a lot of them are gay. I mean, you were gay and you did it. actually are gay. No, a lot are gay. A lot of them are gay.
Starting point is 00:36:27 You were gay and you did it. My brother was a gymnast and he's gay. That's true. Two for two. Clearly the scales are not balanced on these gay gymnasts. Well, the parkour movement today has many, many people who are straight. Parkour?
Starting point is 00:36:44 Yeah, same thing. I know parkour movement today has many, many people who are straight who are not. Parkour? Yeah, yeah. Same thing. Gymnastics. I know parkour. Parkour is sort of like the bad boy gymnastics, isn't it? I've never really thought of it that way. Very true. It's the rebellious gymnastics. Do you ever...
Starting point is 00:36:55 Oh, yeah. The Han Solo of gymnastics. What? Very true. What was your thing when you were a gymnast. I was a tumbler. I was special on parallel bars. That's my specialty.
Starting point is 00:37:09 Hold on. Brian's playing some of his trademark tumbling music. I've always wondered what it is. That's parallel bars, yeah. We won national championships. Really? Wow. Against UCLA, actually.
Starting point is 00:37:24 At UCLA? Against UCLA. Against UCLA. You. At UCLA? Against UCLA. You guys won a national championship in tumbling. No, in gymnastics. All six events. Just overall gymnastics. Did you tumble in that competition? In fact, I was the coach for that event. Wow. Look at you. Were you a little
Starting point is 00:37:40 Coach Nassery with any of your clients? Never gave them any of those dirty massages or anything? I can't believe it. Can we edit that out immediately? That was one Mr. Nassery. Can we delete that from all live streams? Did you ever...
Starting point is 00:37:58 Can somebody make that a ringtone for me? What was that? My Larry Nassar joke? Oh, Larry Nassar. Yeah. I didn't know him, but anyway. Right. I didn't know him.
Starting point is 00:38:12 Probably a good thing that you didn't tumble into him at any point. That was actually women's gymnastics, just to clarify. Wow, it's all the same. Yeah. So, Michael, when's the last time that you took a tumble or jumped from a building to another? Actually, we did a movie just about six months ago that I did that, yeah. What did you do?
Starting point is 00:38:31 You jumped from one building to the other? Yeah, it was just a scene that we had to do. Casting couch type thing? No. No. Actually not. Can you still do the flips and stuff? Well, yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:40 Really? Yep. Jesus. Me too. You don't do it at all anymore? Always want to do it at all anymore? I do when it's something that fits for the role that I'm doing. Do you ever use your gymnastics in the bedroom with one of your male partners? Do you ever do a little accidentally tumble right onto his dick or something like that?
Starting point is 00:38:57 I think... Is that too on the nose? I think all men have tumbled for other people in the bedroom. If I remember, you haven't been laid in a while. Yes, it's still staying. I have a guy that hasn't been laid in three years. I say we can make this shit happen tonight. Let's do it.
Starting point is 00:39:11 No, no, no, no, no. You ever take a man's virginity before, Michael? You ever had an arm up your ass? No, no, no, no, no. You ever pop a chocolate cherry? Actually, never. Brian, did you say arm up your ass? Because he's got a real Kermit the Frog vibe.
Starting point is 00:39:31 His voice is the way you're... Absolutely no. Absolutely. So, Michael, how long have you been on stand-up? Well, I started a year ago here, actually, on this stage. On Kill Tony, right? Yep, yep. Last June, sometime in the middle of June, I believe. Yeah. stage. I killed Tony, right? Yep, yep. Last June.
Starting point is 00:39:45 Sometime in the middle of June, I believe. Yeah. How's life been going for you? Great. Really busy doing a lot of things. He's obviously rich. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:39:54 He's rich. Is that true? What do you do for a living? Well, I'm producing a film right now. Oh, wow. You are rich. No, no. Right place, right time.
Starting point is 00:40:02 Helping the right people. What happened to the software company? Still doing that. Still doing that. Wow, now you're producing a film. Is this like a dream project of yours? Actually, it's a very important project. Yeah, it's about overcoming hate with humanity.
Starting point is 00:40:16 Yeah. Oh, well, that's very cool. From behind. Yeah. Yeah. These people are really dropping a ball on the clapping. Yeah, it's a little message. It on the clapping Yeah It's a little message It's nothing special
Starting point is 00:40:27 Just something we're doing You from LA? I'm actually from Phoenix, Arizona But actually Portland I came from Portland How long have you lived here? I lived here
Starting point is 00:40:34 About three years now West Hollywood? No actually Santa Monica Santa Monica He's rich With that hair Yeah
Starting point is 00:40:42 Santa Monica vibe Absolutely Santa Monica A galaxy far far away with that hair. Absolutely. Santa Monica, a galaxy far, far away. West side of USA. And you lived in Santa Monica the whole time? You went straight from Phoenix to... I went from Portland
Starting point is 00:41:01 to Santa Monica. We did this film and then we did another one, so that's where we are now. Do you ever hang out in West Hollywood? No, it's a little too gay for me, to Santa Monica. We did this film and then we did another one. So that's where we are now. Do you ever hang out in West Hollywood? No, it's a little too gay for me to be honest. What's too gay? Welcome to another episode of Too Gay. All right.
Starting point is 00:41:20 What else is too gay to you? Can you give us some more examples? Too gay, sure. Comedians who say gay jokes and they kind of look at you and go like that after. That's too gay to you? Can you give us some more examples of... Oh, too gay, sure. Comedians who say gay jokes and they kind of look at you and go like that after. That's too gay. Whoa. You let them know.
Starting point is 00:41:32 Why do I feel like I once accidentally did that to you and now you're, like, holding it against me? No, no, no, not at all. I just think it's funny. I actually have a little game I play when comedians say gay jokes. I try to determine if they're gay or not. Oh, wow.
Starting point is 00:41:45 Most of them are. Most of them are. Because, honestly, I've never think of a straight joke, and I'm gay. So they must be gay if they're thinking of gay jokes. I don't know. I got one for you. I got one for you. Go ahead, Han.
Starting point is 00:41:58 You're going to do a joke? Wow, you're going to do a gay joke? Yeah. Okay, Han Solo doing a gay joke, ladies and gentlemen. Where else do you get to see this other than Kill Tony live? Built it up a little bit more than I would have liked. When was the last time you had a lightsaber in your mouth? Alright.
Starting point is 00:42:35 Is that the setup or that's the joke? It's the whole thing amigo. Is that George W. Solo over there? What's going on? Stop pointing at everybody Well Michael You have fun doing stand up How often do you do it now? I go up three or four times a week
Starting point is 00:42:56 You enjoy it right? You have fun doing it? Oh yeah of course I do And it all started here for you on Kill Tony And you've enjoyed this last year With you guys giving me a chance, absolutely. There you go. Michael Pena, ladies and gentlemen, back on the show again.
Starting point is 00:43:09 It's been a couple few times he's been on since the first time. You never know who's going to get pulled out of the bucket. Sometimes it's somebody that's been doing it for 20 years. Sometimes it's somebody's first time. This time, it's going to go to Kristen Lundberg. Come on, make some noise
Starting point is 00:43:27 for Kristen, everybody. Here she comes. Kristen Lundberg. Hey, what's up? My name's Kristen Lundberg. My hair's name is Raggedy Ann on bath salts. So I came here from Dayton, Ohio. I was like, where can I fail but more expensively? Cha-ching! When I was living in Dayton, I was a dancer. Okay, stripper. For a very short period of time.
Starting point is 00:44:08 Some guy said I had a nice turd cutter and I had to get the fuck out of there. I didn't dance. All the other girls danced. You know, everyone else would do like a sexy fireman down the pole, you know. Just meow. I did it myself. But not me, dude, because I'm weird. So I would just like
Starting point is 00:44:27 scuttle across the stage like a crab. Dudes would give me dollars. I would just eat them. Fuck it. Kristen Lundberg. How's it going? Welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show, right?
Starting point is 00:44:50 I think I'd remember you. Yes, yes, yes. Wow. Were you really a stripper in Dayton, Ohio at the living room? No, I'm familiar with the living room. In fact, one of my childhood nicknames was Kitchen. You know? Because I was conceived at the other one.
Starting point is 00:45:09 You know what I'm saying? Not the living room, but the... All right. So this is what happened to the Wendy's girl. All right. She made all that money early on, turned to heroin. Now she's trying to get it back together in the fine arts. No, you're hilarious, Kristen.
Starting point is 00:45:25 I loved your energy up there. You seem like you escaped from a psych war just in time to make it to this tonight. Hey, Han, what are you doing, man? Wow. I found one that I like. I would eat a dick off the ground right now.
Starting point is 00:45:40 I'm not going to lie. Whoa, look at... Wow. Oh, Han. You doing all right, Han? Han Solo just pulled out his lightsaber. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:46:02 My goodness gracious. Wow, is that your real hair color? What I've got to ask... lightsaber. My goodness. Gracious. Wow. Is that your real hair color? What I've got to ask. I amped it up a little bit. How long, and this is a serious question because I'm into Wookiees. How long
Starting point is 00:46:21 have you not been shaving those sweet, sweet pits of yours? I don't shave. I don't shave anything. Is that true? It is true. Can we see on this side? I want to see how red your armpit hair is.
Starting point is 00:46:33 I got some mole hair on this side. Oh, no. I have one little belly button hair. Wow. Look at that. If that's not the hottest sarlacc pit I've ever seen. Kristen, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Well, I started about 10 years ago, and I got kicked out of Wiley's Comedy Club.
Starting point is 00:46:57 Why? About 10 years ago, before being too raunchy. Why? What did you say? It was at an open mic, and I was 18. And I was telling too many mom dick-sucking jokes. Is that true? Your mom sucked a lot of dicks?
Starting point is 00:47:15 It was terrible. Was your daddy Warbucks not there? I mean, really, it's none of our business. I don't know, but I would just talk crazy stuff. You know, when you do, everybody's had their bad years. Han? Has anybody ever told you that you look like something Jabba the Hutt would hack up when he has a cold? Pretty sure.
Starting point is 00:47:39 And I mean that in the best damn way possible. I don't know if he would hack me up, but you might find me in a shower drain, if you know what I mean. I know exactly what you mean. I don't know if you'd hack me up, but you might find me in a shower drain, if you know what I mean. I know exactly what you mean. I don't know what's going on right now. The most confusing flirting I've ever seen. It's called a Jedi mind trick, nerd. Hell yeah.
Starting point is 00:48:00 It's going to be interesting to see Han Solo hook up with the Mucinex girl. Kristen, how long have you been in L.A.? A month. And are you living here now? Yeah. Yeah, so you moved here from Dayton, Ohio. From Chicago, actually.
Starting point is 00:48:16 Oh, from Chicago. How long did you do stand-up in Chicago? Four years. Four fucking years. And now, how do you make money? How do you survive in Los Angeles? Well... Okay. Every time I hear it,
Starting point is 00:48:31 my body hits the floor. It's like... That's like a strip club gunshot, man. I don't know. Look at that. Kristen Lundberg, a little firecracker up here. Just red pubes flying around everywhere. I would have used a Pavlov analogy,
Starting point is 00:48:57 but that works just the same way. Yeah, there you go. So Kristen. I hope you brought a book cover for those was that a book job? I'm reading you loud and clear still the most confusing flirting
Starting point is 00:49:14 they gonna be fucking tonight it's called a Jedi mind trick nerd what's the longest amount of time that you've done on stage before? What are you comfortable with? In Nashville well I'm comfortable with 40 minutes
Starting point is 00:49:33 I did an hour and 20 minutes in a Nashville comedy festival that they're doing at the Broken Record Comedy Fest in Nashville Was the record broken before you performed for an hour and 20 minutes or was that your fault? Is that my fault? Don't talk to my girl like that. They needed me. Two against Han over here.
Starting point is 00:49:53 Alright, so Kristen, I guess, what was your answer to how you're surviving? Well, my first job here has been the job of an ice sculptor. It's crazy, I know, but when I was in Chicago, I did some ice sculpting stuff, and then I moved here, and there's tons of ice sculpting jobs to be had. So I have three swans.
Starting point is 00:50:17 I have to sculpt for graduations for your sons and daughters who are graduating. I'm going to be sculpting their swans. Hey, hey, if you're lucky, I'll sculpt them naked, all right? And they'll wear them in the freezer with a chainsaw, just so you get that. God damn. You are wild. What kind of...
Starting point is 00:50:39 Some rich high school kid's getting ice swans at their graduation parties? I didn't know. Why is it swans? Why swans? I think it's just because it's the most classical thing. I don't know. Mine kind of look like that.
Starting point is 00:50:53 She's sorry. Red Band doesn't find beauty in things like swans. Peacocks are too hard. Okay, Brian. Too many eyes. Do you really use a chainsaw to do that? Yes How long have you been doing that for?
Starting point is 00:51:08 It's terrifying About a month You have a chainsaw I got the job like seven days From being in Los Angeles Did you know how to Yeah I cold called him
Starting point is 00:51:18 Do you hold down jobs? Thank you Did you really not know how to ice sculpt before doing it? I just got it. I had seen it done a lot of times. I spent hours upon hours watching ice sculptors in Chicago. I was the assistant, but I never actually handled the power tools. So when I moved to Los Angeles, I was like, I'm just going to tell them I know how to do the power tools.
Starting point is 00:51:44 I cannot. Can you guys imagine how shitty that first swan must have looked? What was up with this duck? You remember that lady in Spain that tried to fix the Jesus painting? It is my favorite episode of I Love Lucy. She pretends to art.
Starting point is 00:52:02 Kristen, you live by yourself? No, I live with my roommate. His name is Stefan, and he's my best friend. We have bunk beds. And he's imaginary. I'm the only one who can see him. You top bunk or bottom bunk? I'm top bunk.
Starting point is 00:52:22 Wow. I like to scratch on the ceiling to make the people above me think there's rats on the floor. You are so rude. You do. That bitch needs to quit wearing high heels in the middle of the night. Take off your shoes when you walk home. For the love of God,
Starting point is 00:52:37 it's not comfortable to be in those things. That's hilarious. I've got a question for my girl. Han Solo. Have you ever had salmonella? Because you look like you have I don't know but I kind of want some salmonella chocolate Again The most confusing flirting
Starting point is 00:52:57 I am trying I don't know how to flirt man Are you free Friday To do a spot at the Ice House Death Squad show? Wow. Look at that. The first ever ice sculptor at the Ice House. Kristen Lundberg.
Starting point is 00:53:15 There she goes, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Kristen for the first time ever. She's on Twitter at Mammy Spanx. M-A-M-M-Y-S-P-A-N-X. Kristen Lundberg, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, that was fun. Yeah, she makes you happy. She reminded me of every girl I ever dated in Portland.
Starting point is 00:53:36 You did date a lot of redheads. She just gave me space herpes. I didn't want to like her, but I had to. Yeah, I know. When I saw her hair, I was like, Ron's going to like her. Yeah, but I was like, I didn't want to like her, but that happened. Yeah, I know. I figured when I saw her hair, I was like, Ron's going to like her. Yeah, but I was like, I don't want to like her. Yeah, yeah. But then I did.
Starting point is 00:53:49 She wanted me around. I know. But I still think she's probably insane. She's got to be. No, not there. She could be fun insane. Yeah, like a phone where you want to watch her do jokes, but not be around her all the time. Yeah, especially in the bunk bed.
Starting point is 00:54:03 Yeah, I feel bad for Stephon. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there, huh? Alright, put your hands together for Lupe Estrada. For those of you that fast-forwarded through the dates that we just announced, Portland, Cleveland, Fort Wayne,
Starting point is 00:54:23 Lexington, Nashville, Lansing, Grand Rapids, Detroit, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth, Texas, and Chicago, Illinois. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Here's Lupe Estrada, everybody. Hey, hey, hey. My brother
Starting point is 00:54:38 DeGaldo is gay, and he came out when he was a junior in high school. It was 1998. And the night he came out, my parents blamed his homosexuality entirely on our free trial of America Online. That trial, though, was only 120 minutes, and it was split between me and my four brothers. So my mom and dad think my brother became gay
Starting point is 00:54:59 after using the Internet for exactly 24 minutes. We got rid of the internet that night. My dad ejected the disc from the computer, and he's like, no more of this beachy fucking internet. And he just broke the disc over his knee in front of all of us. And I thought, Rob,
Starting point is 00:55:19 because I still had 11 minutes left in my session. This joke's from Mike Pena. Maybe in those 11 minutes I could have found out that, you know, I'm not gay. So, thank you so much. There you go, exactly a minute. Ron couldn't help himself. He's so excited for you, nailing the time. Yeah, that's part of being professional.
Starting point is 00:55:43 Hell yeah. Absolutely. for you nailing the time yeah that's part of being professional yeah hell yeah absolutely uh it's the first time i've seen somebody dedicate a joke in the middle of their set to somebody else what was that what was that joke again oh he he said something like comedians make gay jokes so i was like uh the end of that joke was i could use the 11 minutes of my American online trial to find out that I'm not gay. I wanted to just dedicate that to Mike Pena. It's cute. I see what you did there. I think you two are going to fuck tonight.
Starting point is 00:56:13 That's what's going to happen. You've got sales. He's going to put his disc into your hard drive. You know what I'm talking about. In the gay community, you're not what? Come on. Come on. Believe me.
Starting point is 00:56:26 All right, take that back. Okay. Come on, Han. All right, here he is, Han Solo. If you wouldn't build me up like that, I'd appreciate that. There he is. You know him from Return of the Jedi, Empire Strikes Back, Star Wars, A New Hope. It's going to be great.
Starting point is 00:56:43 In the gay community, you're what's known as an Ewok. Was it worth it? Yeah. I think so. I was into that. It was good. It was strong. I saw it.
Starting point is 00:56:54 Yeah. Those are the little bears, right? Yeah. Little cute bears on the planet Endor. I didn't mean that. The forest planet. What? Whoa.
Starting point is 00:57:02 Han Solo took offense to that. I don't know what an Ewok is. You don't know what an Ewok is? You don't know what an Ewok is? I don't know what an Ewok is. Isn't that the little bears? The Houtini guys? They're not little bears. They're different kinds of people.
Starting point is 00:57:12 Oh. When did you turn into an Italian mobster, Han Solo? Oh, he's mad. Han Solo's leaving. Han! Oh, no. Han, I like Ewoks. Oh, man.
Starting point is 00:57:23 Han! Hey, Han, Princess Leia is showing her tits out here. All right. So Lupe. Obi-Wan brings back an Ewok. You from L.A.? No, I'm from Southern California, but not L.A. Oh, yeah?
Starting point is 00:57:39 What part? Awanga. Awanga. Awanga. It's by Temecula. Oh. Nice. Temecula sucks. You still live there? No by Temecula. Oh. Nice. It really sucks.
Starting point is 00:57:46 You still live there? No, I live in LA now. How long have you lived here? Two years. Two years. What do you do for work? I work at Netflix. Oh.
Starting point is 00:57:55 Wow. What do you do there? I'm a project manager. So I manage assets. So if you see movies, I manage all the subtitles, the artwork. Holy shit. Oh, man. Can I just tell you that that was one of my favorite sets I've ever seen of stand-up comedy on this show.
Starting point is 00:58:13 And I think we can really help each other out here. I'll take you under my wing. You pass a note up to the next floor or whatever the fuck. Yeah, I have no, like, sure, why not? No, no. I can tell. Thank you till you make it, man. No one with any power would actually sign up for this show, Lupe.
Starting point is 00:58:35 That's really cool that they use you for their order delivery service, though. That's great. No, I'm kidding. How long have you worked at Netflix? Two years, yeah. I moved here for work. That's cool. Man, I'm kidding. How long have you worked at Netflix? Two years, yeah. I moved here for work. That's cool. Man, that's a lot of fun.
Starting point is 00:58:49 What do you do for fun? Watch movies. Well, I would ride my bike, but it got stolen two weeks ago. Wait, say that again? I ride my bike, but it got stolen. It got stolen? Let's fucking kick their ass. It got stolen on 3rd and Western.
Starting point is 00:59:02 3rd and... Wow. What color was it? Everyone's like, well, you shouldn't have left it out there, but it was locked. They shouldn't have stolen it. Right. Whoever stole the rainbow-colored bicycle on Western and 3rd... 3rd and Western.
Starting point is 00:59:17 Yeah. Did you see anything? I'm sorry? I'm a detective. Was it any suspicious character? Brent Morin is one of the top bicycle detectives. He specializes in bicycles. Bicycles.
Starting point is 00:59:30 In the Santa Monica area. Looping. Creta. Trying to help you. Have you noticed an influx in fun in your life since moving from Oahu or whatever you're from? I actually used to live in San Francisco for like five years. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:59:49 What did you do when you lived in San Francisco? I worked at YouTube. So you have like a degree. Yeah. Ha ha ha. You know? Why are you here? Yeah, what are you doing?
Starting point is 01:00:04 I like doing comedy after work. Nice. Wow, that's so cool. What did you do at YouTube? Same kind of stuff. All their movies you can watch on YouTube, I would manage those assets. No one does that.
Starting point is 01:00:19 Where'd you go to college? SF State. And you specialize in assets? Yes. I studied television. Huh. Yeah. Mm.
Starting point is 01:00:28 Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Has your love life increased since moving out of the Burbs? Was it better in San Francisco or here? It's better here. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:00:40 Yeah. Thanks. You on any of the apps or anything like that? On and off. Yeah. Thanks. You on any of the apps or anything like that? On and off. Yeah. Anybody that's... I don't expect you to stay on them 24-7. Gotta close those windows every once in a while. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:00:55 Not currently right now, no. Have you been on any dates since you've been here? Yeah. I've been on a lot of weird dates. Give us an example of what's a weird date to you. I went on a date with someone who, like, our first night, she asked me if I could lend her $300 for her gym membership. For what?
Starting point is 01:01:12 For her gym membership. Oh, for her gym? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could feed her. Oh, she was an escort. Yeah, that was just an effort. Yeah, I was like, well, I met her on a dating website, and then I was like, oh, maybe she's a hooker, but we didn't have sex, and I didn't give her the money. Well, that's where you fucked up. You just put it on a dating website. I was like, maybe she's a hooker. We didn't have sex and I didn't give her the money.
Starting point is 01:01:26 That's where you fucked up. You just put it on the nightstand. She's like, meet me at this restaurant. Make reservations for 8 o'clock. Don't dress up. I won't either. Then she had multiple bags with her. She's like, I want to spend the night.
Starting point is 01:01:41 I love her. I think she was homeless too. She definitely was. I love that you think she may have been. I'm starting to get a suspicion here. The bags, having everything they own on them at once. The fact that no gym membership
Starting point is 01:01:57 is $300. That wasn't for gym. It was for Equinox. Most people don't bring a picture in a frame on a date with them. And a lamp. Pretty sure she was homeless. So what was the restaurant that you met this blatantly homeless girl at? Some really fancy restaurant.
Starting point is 01:02:17 Oh, yeah. She got to get a good meal. Oh, hell yeah. In Beverly Hills. And I didn't want to spend a lot of money, but she just kept ordering more wine. I was like, fuck. Wow. That's the worst.
Starting point is 01:02:28 Yeah. And I was like, okay. And she's like, can I go back to your place and smoke weed and drink? I'm like, yeah, sure. And then, yeah. She was Russian. She's like, guess where I am? And she had this really strong Russian accent.
Starting point is 01:02:39 So I was like, from Russia? She's like, how did you figure out? And I was like, it's pretty obvious. Wow. Did she spend the night? She did. But she said, no hank figure out? And I was like, it's pretty obvious. Wow. Did she spend the night? She did, but she said, no hanky-panky. That's what she told me. Whoa! Did she steal anything?
Starting point is 01:02:53 And the next day, she's like, can you let her spend the night? That's where his bike went. Let her spend the night. Did she just cuddle? No hanky-panky. She cuddled. She said she didn't want to go back to her place because she didn't want to be high while her roommate is home. I was like, that's dumb, but you're like an adult. What?
Starting point is 01:03:11 So I was like, yeah, sure, spend the night. And no hanky-panky. Wait, are you sure she was an adult? Hold on. So she's sleeping in the bed with you, right? Yeah. In the bed with you. You guys are sleeping perpendicular or Willy Wonka style?
Starting point is 01:03:23 What are we talking about here? They were spooning. There was spooning. That's pretty close to hanky. It's definitely not hanky, but she said no hanky-panky specifically. She made me get her a lift right home the next day, but I got lift line.
Starting point is 01:03:39 Did you try to dry hump her a little? No, I don't want to cross. No dry humping? Did you kiss? Brian, will you relax? Advocate for dry humping? It was bizarre. For being Russian, she knew a lot about Mexican music.
Starting point is 01:03:56 So she was like, yeah. She was name dropping all these bands I grew up with. Sounds like a great girl. And then I put on this song and she really loved it. At that point, she kissed me. She's like, no hanky-panky. How old is she? Who says hanky-panky?
Starting point is 01:04:13 She's 12 years old. She was clearly in her late 30s. She was Russian. I could see a Russian saying hanky-panky. Did you have any serious conversations with this homeless Russian hooker? Do you remember
Starting point is 01:04:28 talking about anything? What kind of things she's into? I'm always positive she wasn't a hooker. At least that was not how it was going into the day. But serious conversations about Mexican music. It was weird. I was not expecting that.
Starting point is 01:04:42 Anything else other than the Mexican music you remember talking about with her? What? No, don't get distracted. We can spoon, but it has to be heroin spoon. Was her first name normal, or was it like Cadillac or something like that? I think it was Jenny, but I think that was a fake name.
Starting point is 01:05:01 Why? And you don't think she's a hooker? It's a hooker name. Why do you think this Russian woman with a home and a job and a...
Starting point is 01:05:10 Why would she bring her bags on the date with her? She came from the gym but she had three bags. I don't know who goes to the gym with... I don't go to the gym
Starting point is 01:05:18 so I don't know. Clearly you've never been to a Russian gym before. It's all about how many bags you bring in. Yeah. All right. Well, Lupe. Well, that's fun. Geez, man. I's all about how many bags you bring in. Alright, well, Lupe. Well, that's fun.
Starting point is 01:05:27 Geez, man. I'm sorry about your bike. My moped got stolen twice, too. Your what? Your moped? Yeah. The first thing I bought, it got stolen. So many things have been stolen in LA, but I still like it. You need to move to a better area.
Starting point is 01:05:43 Other than Koreatown, right next to Hancock Park. That's your problem right there. No, it to a better area. I live in Koreatown, right next to Hancock Park. That's your problem right there. No, it's a nice area. Somebody could rob you at gunpoint. You're like, he was a sweet guy. A woman three weeks ago came at me with a brick. Why?
Starting point is 01:05:59 She got in an argument with her girlfriend. They were fighting in public, and her girlfriend waved to me to call the cops. Where was this at? This was on 3rd, no, 3rd again. 3rd and Wilton. I was waiting for the bus and her girlfriend was like... You're waiting for the bus because your mopeds were stolen.
Starting point is 01:06:19 It's just, he's such a sweet guy and so many bad things. I was a little stoned too and I see this woman getting thrown up against, they're outside of a church, too. And I see this woman get thrown up against a bus. No, sorry, a van. She's like, call the cops. So I call the cops. And the next thing I know, her girlfriend's like chasing me with a brick.
Starting point is 01:06:37 And I'm like, she's got a brick. Run. So I ran and I tripped on the third street. You tripped? Yeah. And a woman was recording the entire thing poor guy but I still like LA
Starting point is 01:06:49 wow that's incredible you have such a good spirit she could have killed me you seem like such a positive guy what makes you mad? what makes you furiously angry in this world? to where you yell and get weird about it when people aren't self-aware.
Starting point is 01:07:06 Can you give us an example of that? Am I not self-aware right now? Should I check it off? When people are not even pulled over, but they're just stopped in the middle of the road. I have high blood pressure, and that just pisses me off. When you say you have your blood pressure,
Starting point is 01:07:23 what do you mean exactly? I have high blood pressure. Oh, you have high have your blood pressure, what do you mean exactly? I have high blood pressure. Oh, you have high blood pressure. Wow, how do you know that? You checked it at CVS or something like that? No, I had to have a colonoscopy this year. Oh, wait a second. Wait, wait a second.
Starting point is 01:07:36 Oh my God! I mean, a colonoscopy for a gay guy, that's sort of like, I mean... I'm not gay, my brother's gay. I'm very straight. Oh, you're like Rudy. He's so cute. I have a condition called diverticulitis.
Starting point is 01:07:54 Wow. Everyone's grandma has it in me. It's like a... Perforated intestines, right? Yeah, you get pouches and food gets stuck there. If you had to guess how you perforated your intestines, Lupe, how would you guess that that happened? What's the gerbil's name?
Starting point is 01:08:13 Just probably eating, like, crap. I eat really crap. Wait, you get pouches of food? No, like, your colon gets pouches in it, and, like, seeds get stuck in there. And then I've been in the emergency room twice. It's super painful, but they give you good pain meds when you... They gave me fentanyl last time I was there.
Starting point is 01:08:28 You're just like a little pup. Can I have your number? Crowd goes crazy for fentanyl. Look at that. All right, Lupe. I really care about you. Yeah, I want you to succeed. I'm doing better.
Starting point is 01:08:43 I'm trying to eat better I'm walking a lot Is there a go fund me that we could do for life? I feel like we should be crowdsourcing things just for you No one needs Who here wants to donate their bicycle to Lupe Estrada? Who in the audience has a bicycle?
Starting point is 01:08:59 I got a great name I'll get a bike soon, it's fine I'll get a better lock this time I mean, you're blaming yourself Did you check the Alamo? The basement of the Alamo I don't want that shit to stress me out I don't want to have a stroke
Starting point is 01:09:14 because I have high blood pressure I'm chill about this type of shit I try to just be like, okay, it's over You're going to explode one day Yeah, probably When you have your blood pressure raised and you're filled with rage, is there something I try to just be like, okay, it's over. You're going to explode one day. Yeah, probably. When you have your blood pressure raised and you're filled with rage, is there something that you do to calm yourself down?
Starting point is 01:09:31 Power fuck. I have to go for long walks. It's super boring, but just a long walk. I have an old camera, so I'll take photos. Oh, he's such a sweet soul. He's such a sweetie. I get very mad sometimes. What? That scares me.
Starting point is 01:09:53 I get so mad sometimes. I can scream. I really, really do. I get furious. Show us your mad voice. Yell at us. Give us an example. Like, all right, so I'm not self aware
Starting point is 01:10:06 I'm just pulled in the middle of the street And you beep your horn and you go around me And I yell at you I literally go what the fuck you beeping at What would you do Come on find it I'd probably find like a friend And complain about you
Starting point is 01:10:21 Hell yeah This fucking. Hell yeah. This fucking guy. Hell yeah. Man, knowing all that I know about you, I would steal your bicycle again tonight. Just for not standing up for yourself,
Starting point is 01:10:38 Lupe. Yeah, we could rob him. Do you have any weird shit? Do you like to be choked or anything like that? And there he goes. Lupe Estrada, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter at Christ Estrada. Spent way too much time with him. It's where Brian gets down to his choking question.
Starting point is 01:10:58 Yeah, let's do it. You guys know the show, right? You guys have heard this show before, the podcast. And you know that there's a regular every single week. He writes and performs a new 60 Seconds. It's a goddamn sensation. Put your hands together for the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet, everybody. Oh, snap.
Starting point is 01:11:19 What's up, y'all? Yeah. I used to love getting ass whoopings growing up. Because I knew my mama would cook me a meal just so I could forget what happened. Sometimes I get in trouble in school on purpose just so I could have a meal. Miss Jackson, fuck you in this class. You better sit down before I call your mama. Bitch, I hope you do, because last time she cooked a nigga steak.
Starting point is 01:11:44 Now hurry up so the other can be preheated. I hope you do, cause last time she cooked a nigga steak. Now hurry up so the other can be preheated. You ever get hit by your mama in the grocery store and you see a pretty girl so you don't try to cry? Tell something else. Hey. What's your name? I ain't crying. You're just so damn pretty.
Starting point is 01:12:12 I'm going to go to the tissue aisle so I can get something to write your number down on. I'm going to be right back. My mom never helped me do homework growing up. Because every time I showed her, she'd be like, ooh, boy, that hurt my eyes. I ain't ever seen no shit like this before. And as soon as I failed, she'd be like, you dumb or stupid? What happened, boy, that hurt my eyes. Ain't ever seen no shit like this before. And as soon as I fell, she'd be like, you dumb or stupid? What happened? Mom, it hurt my eyes. Never seen no shit like this before.
Starting point is 01:12:34 Fuck yeah. Welcome to Action. Another new minute. Hell yeah. How come it hurts her eyes? I'm confused. Because she didn't want to do it. Oh. Ooh, baby. Them equations.
Starting point is 01:12:50 She'd make them an excuse. That's hilarious. You talk with your mom a lot? Yeah, yeah. I try to. How does that normally go? A nigga got minutes. Shit, I try to.
Starting point is 01:13:05 Minutes? Yeah, minutes on my phone. Oh, yeah. Shit, I try to. Minutes? Yeah, minutes on my phone. I'm just playing. Nah, I try to talk to her, but sometimes, every time I talk to her, she starts yelling about nothing. Like, I moved out here and I forgot to make my bed up. I've been out here for eight months. She call me up every day just cussing. Malcolm, you ain't make your bed up.
Starting point is 01:13:18 I'm sick and tired of you. I hung up. You wasting my damn minutes, mama. Wow. She's tough on you. Yeah, she loves me. She wants me to come home. She always bringing up shit so I can come back home.
Starting point is 01:13:28 So you do the show every week. And this week, for the first time ever, we got up close and personal with one of your best friends. You came out here with him. Oh, Sreejoy, yeah. He crazy. Sreejoy. There he is over there. Yeah, he's hiding in the corner right there on the floor.
Starting point is 01:13:43 Being creepy. The neurotic artist type. Did you catch any of his performance? Yeah, I was in back and I heard a nigga screaming. I said, it gotta be Sri Joy. So yeah, I seen it. I was like, oh shit. Because he's been trying to sign up.
Starting point is 01:13:55 My boy, he crazy. He ain't gonna sleep for a week. I know he excited. That nigga horny. He happy. Look at him. How's life been lately? You're still in the car, you got a new one though Yeah, it's cool, I did a show the other day at a college, it was crazy
Starting point is 01:14:13 Somebody hit your car, right? Yeah man, I was at the Chick-fil-A And I was chilling in the car writing jokes And I was finna get out And I was like, oh shit, they close And they hit it and took off I was finna chase out. And I was like, oh shit, they close. And they hit it and took off. I was finna chase them though. But my license suspended.
Starting point is 01:14:31 Did you get the license plate number? I tried to, but my eyes hurt. That was too much work. That bitch took off. I wanted to though, but I was like, she ain't hit it. And I got out. I was like, yeah, she hit it. It left a good mark? It's cute. You know what I'm saying? Tripping. Were you in the drive-thru at Chick-fil-A? No, no, no. I was like, yeah, she hit it. It left a good mark? It's cute. You know what I'm saying? Tripping. It's cute.
Starting point is 01:14:45 Were you in the drive-thru at Chick-fil-A? No, no, no. I was in the neighborhood chilling and in front of somebody's crib. Oh, okay. I was finna go. So did you get Chick-fil-A? Yeah, I got Chick-fil-A. You still got it.
Starting point is 01:14:55 What'd you get? I got the number one. Hell yeah. That shit was good. You know it's good when you bite the sandwich and close your eyes. What else is going on in life? I did a college show the other day. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:15:12 What college? It was, I think it was USD, but I was at USMD, like the medical. It was tight, though. It was a whole lot of black people, man. Really? Going to medical school? Yeah, man. I was excited.
Starting point is 01:15:24 But that was ghetto, though. That shit was weird. Wait, there were patients? No, no, no. They went to the school. They was just crazy. Had their hair wrapped up and shit, popping gum. Really? I'm like, hurry up and say something funny. So I started roasting their asses. Yeah, it was cool, man.
Starting point is 01:15:43 Then I did the podcast with Goat vs. Fish the other day. Wow. Yeah, that's my dog. There's something. That's my dog. He gave me a hat. Holy shit.
Starting point is 01:15:50 Stuffed animals flying around the room right now. Hilarious. That's incredible. So, how, like, anything go off track at this medical collegiate show that you did? Yeah, it was some little-ass kids there. I thought they was freshmen in college. Then I seen their mama pick them up. I was like, these little motherfuckers. But no, it was straight.
Starting point is 01:16:10 It was cool, man. They gave me money and stuff. Wait, is that a lay down shirt that you're wearing? Oh yeah, this shit is about to be out soon. This is the warm up. It's a sample. Wow, Malcolm's got his own merch. I love it. Yeah, it's cool. Hell yeah. Alright, well guys, this is your first time seeing Malcolm. I love it. Yeah, that's cool. Hell yeah.
Starting point is 01:16:25 All right, well, guys, this is your first time seeing Malcolm. Thoughts? Talented, man. Yeah? Yeah, it's funny. He's got a good stage presence, too. Yeah, he came out, he owned the stage. Real charming dude.
Starting point is 01:16:35 Yeah. You had a theme, you kept to your theme, you know? And he's already marketing himself. Yeah, you seem like you know what you're doing, you know? You're just going through a struggle. Hell yeah. Stay out of it. Every day. Well, there you go just going through a struggle. Hell yeah. Every day.
Starting point is 01:16:45 Well, there you go. Somebody say, oh. Oh. All right. There he goes. Malcolm Hatchett. Another new minute. All right.
Starting point is 01:16:54 Racking him up. Stacking him up. He's going to be here for the five year. Anybody else notice that Han really did leave? Say that again? Did anybody else notice that Han really did leave? Yeah, he really did. He really left.
Starting point is 01:17:08 He just had something else to do. He really did. I thought he'd be coming back for sure. Yeah. But, uh... I don't know. That's commitment. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 01:17:19 Oh, shit. Wait, what? Is this just you being silly? Oh, my god. Here we go. Wow. Wow. It appears as though he has turned to the dark side, ladies and gentlemen.
Starting point is 01:17:40 I can tell by the shape of him. That is Jeremiah Watkins under there very clearly the breathing will stay the same for this character very heavy breathing Darth Vader is here ladies and gentlemen Darth wait a second stop stop
Starting point is 01:18:05 oh okay Darth I didn't realize you even knew what Kill Tony was I've been watching you young evil one wow well thank you I consider you a big inspiration
Starting point is 01:18:21 I didn't know Darth Vader wore Vans laughter laughter how else could he consider you a big inspiration. I didn't know Darth Vader wore Vans. How else could he Imperial March? It's like high school Vader. I skateboarded on the way here. Look at that. All right, Darth. Well, you ready to go to this bucket,
Starting point is 01:18:43 meet some new comics or something like that? I didn't know straight guys wore those boots. Wow, Darth Vader spitting jokes back at Brent Moore, and look out. Maybe I'm not straight. Oh, shit. God, Peña was right. Alright, we're going back to the bucket again, ladies and gentlemen.
Starting point is 01:19:02 The fun train continues. Here we go. Put your hands together for Mike Eshak. Mike Eshak. It's like a new name. Mike Eshak. I don't see any movement. Oh, here he comes.
Starting point is 01:19:18 Mike Eshak. Hell yeah. One more time for Mike Shack, everybody. I served four years in the Marine Corps. Thank you. Thank you. And I'm a Muslim. Exactly.
Starting point is 01:19:41 Being a Marine with this face is interesting because people will say racist shit to me all the time. One time this girl was like, oh my God, you're a Marine? Wait a minute. United States Marines. No, bitch, ISIS Marines. They had better benefits.
Starting point is 01:20:04 The benefits of sleeping with 72 fucking virgins when you die who doesn't want to sleep with virgins me okay when i think virgins i don't see like copious amounts of hot sex all i can picture is a fucking obligation to watch vampire diaries like if an isis recruiter came up to me like somebody needs to tell ISIS virgins are out, hoes are in there you go Mike Esha Mike you were on the show once before right?
Starting point is 01:20:38 what's that? you've been on the show once before right? yeah two weeks ago I think I remember that that was good welcome back, what did we learn from you last time you were on? before, right? Yeah, two weeks ago, I think. Yeah, I remember that. That was good. Well, welcome back. What did we learn from you last time you were on? What did we find out about you?
Starting point is 01:20:56 You said that because of DJ Khaled, everyone thinks I don't eat pussy. Alright. Once again, remind Tony you have a fat dick. I have a
Starting point is 01:21:16 fat dick. Is that true? Did we find that out? He made me... See, you've already controlled his mind. It's Darth Vader, man. He makes you say shit. What do you do for work? Yeah, I invest in real estate. That's what I do for money. Right.
Starting point is 01:21:32 That is one scary bus bench. Darth Vader, that was a good one. Darth Vader that was a good one Mike how long have you been doing stand up I've been doing on and off for like five years but then like for real like a year and a half like really pushing it
Starting point is 01:21:57 are you making good money investing in real estate yeah like how much money have you made investing in real estate? I won't tell you that. Like a ballpark of a number. Just like somewhat annually if you had to guess how much you might make
Starting point is 01:22:12 without giving us a number of how much you make. Like maybe you could give us a number of what a guy in your position should be making and could be making. How about that?
Starting point is 01:22:21 Yeah. Nice. You always want more, you know. Yeah. Nice. You always want more. know yeah nice you always want more how long you want to stay grateful at the same time absolutely right right fuck life's hard right it's not life's hard man life's hard right you gotta have both you gotta fucking want it all you gotta you gotta be like ah i gotta have more but at the same time it's like, I got food in my stomach. Yeah, my family's okay.
Starting point is 01:22:47 Got a blowjob the other day. Hell yeah, me too. I got one. You gotta be like, thank you. You look like you used the force to get that blowjob. Well, I think that's right. Have you ever done that, Darth Vader? That sounds like a creepy way to seduce a girl. Always.
Starting point is 01:23:04 Always. Always. Wow. My goodness. All right, Mikey, Shaq. Well, I mean, what else with you? What didn't we find out last week or two weeks ago that you think is interesting about you? I do like eating pussy. Yeah. I think I'm really, really, really fucking good at it.
Starting point is 01:23:26 Do you have a girlfriend right now? No, no, no. Not at the moment. You have an eligible bachelor. Yeah. When's the last time? Ladies? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:23:34 When's the last time you went down on a girl, Mike? Last time I've been on a girl, like when I was dating a girl about six months ago. Like I only go down on if I'm dating her. If you're hooking up with girls, I won't. Whoa, listen to the groans. This sounds like an episode of Wendy Williams over here. All the ladies are getting riled up.
Starting point is 01:23:55 You know. Oh, Aphrodite just squirted on the stage for you podcast listeners. It's unbelievable. You don't do one-night stand girls or masseuses or anything like that? I won't go down on them. Why not? A fucking masseuse.
Starting point is 01:24:09 You'd go down on a masseuse? Fuck yeah. You look like it. Ah! I like that. What? Very comfortable? A masseuse?
Starting point is 01:24:16 Why a masseuse? Is that like a thing? I like his style. You sleep with masseuses? Is that a thing? Of course it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 01:24:25 Especially if you go to Thailand. That just happens. Now I get it. It's a red band thing. Yeah, there it is. The types of masseuses, if you Google, masseuses that will fuck anything. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:24:36 And then you find out. Or just go to Van Nuys. Any one of those. Mike, what do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything cool? You seem like you'd be into some weird shit like parasailing or something like that. Oh, yeah. Mike, what do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything cool? You seem like you'd be into some weird shit like parasailing or something like that. Oh yeah, I'm always trying new shit.
Starting point is 01:24:51 Hold on, let's all take a moment to acknowledge depressed Darth Vader over here. I think he just suffocated himself in that costume. That looks like a meme. Is this what he looked like after the Death Star blew up the first time? I have no place to go home to now.
Starting point is 01:25:08 My head itches. Wow, sad Darth Vader. Is everything okay? Things are not going well, Tony. What happened over there? You seemed fine. I haven't eaten pussy in seven months. Wow.
Starting point is 01:25:23 What happens if you try to eat pussy with that mask on? It's a mess. All right, Mike. Well, we talked to you a couple weeks ago. Why don't we go back to the bucket one more time with somebody else? What do you guys say? One last time? Huh?
Starting point is 01:25:41 Or we could end it. Those people over there don't seem excited. The two people over there from Evil Genius. Did you guys see that documentary? Sad Darth Vader is hilarious. Yes. Look at that guy. Kermit the Frog.
Starting point is 01:25:58 Alright. Here we go. One last time to the bucket we go. This looks like it could be a new name. Put your hands together for June Gonzalez. Alright. From the deep corner, here we go. June Gonzalez. Portland, June 15th
Starting point is 01:26:16 and 16th with a kill Tony on the 17th. June Gonzalez. I just became a father. He's eight years old. I just became a father. He's eight years old. I just met him. He's real bad. I'm getting phone calls from the teachers
Starting point is 01:26:33 talking about he's pouring out cereal for his dead homies. He wants to be a comedian just like me. He told me a mom joke. He was like, your mom's so fat she could cover the sun. I was like, I got a better one. How about your mom's so fat that's why I left the bitch. And now we don't play that game no more.
Starting point is 01:26:52 I'm a cancer survivor. That was her Zodiac sign. She fell on me. I almost didn't make it out that shit. I slept with a girl. She had tattoos of her two kids on her thighs. And I kept busting a nut on them. She called me a pedophile.
Starting point is 01:27:10 I was like, no, I just wanted to introduce your kids to mine. Now we don't talk no more. June Gonzalez. June, how's it going? Is this your first time on this show? You've seen me before, but yeah. On Roast Battle, I've seen you, right? And my rap battles.
Starting point is 01:27:35 Oh, yeah. That's why you hold the mic like a battle rapper. Because I am one. Oh, shit. I did. I saw you beat somebody pretty good a few weeks ago in the belly room, right? Yeah. You won that, right?
Starting point is 01:27:47 Yeah. I was pretty surprised, too. I kind of win all of them. Oh. Whoa, really? Is that a fact? No, it is, yeah. Really?
Starting point is 01:27:53 Have you ever lost a rap battle? I did, but not many. Wow. I got over like 11 million views on YouTube. Jesus Christ. That's incredible. What's the call? I want to see it.
Starting point is 01:28:04 Would you like to join the Imperial Army? Sure. Oh, shit. That's fun, June. I mean, has that ever gotten you anything fun, like your rap battling skills? Do you make money through that? Yeah, I do make some money off of it, and I travel the world. I've been to Australia,
Starting point is 01:28:28 New Zealand, Paris, Sweden, and Canada, and London. Are all the rap battles that you do pre-written? Yeah, they're all pre-meditated. Have you ever done one like freestyle, freestyle, where you have an opponent that's just like, yo, you really think you're the best? I'll take you
Starting point is 01:28:43 on right now. And then somebody just hits background music and you go for it, some instrumental rap music. No. What is that beat? Everybody knows that good instrumental rap music. Who's he battling, Will Smith? I'm actually from Philadelphia, too. Tia and Tamara?
Starting point is 01:29:06 I don't think think I don't know Alright Who did you google Unthreatening rap music I don't know What is that reference to Rico Suave Alright Brian
Starting point is 01:29:20 I was so white What do you do for a living? I just move there. I do Postmates. Okay, where'd you get from? Philadelphia. So we ask everyone that does Postmates, have you ever ate any of the fries? Every time. That's right. Is that true?
Starting point is 01:29:37 You eat a little snack every once in a while? Yeah, I take it all the time. Do you deliver to the Death Star? Huh? Do you deliver to the Death Star? Huh? Do you deliver to the Death Star? On weekends. Just killed him.
Starting point is 01:29:57 June, so you just moved here from Philly. Did you drive or fly? I drove. Did you drive? Did you bring anybody or anything with you? I brought everything with me my whole life. In a car? Yes.
Starting point is 01:30:07 Oh, I forgot about that. He brought one of those. Was there anything that you brought in which you're like, I don't know if I should bring this, and you brought it and you threw it away since getting here? No. Okay. I got everything still with me yeah wow what kind of brown are you i'm puerto rican cool oh the very mousy puerto rican race okay okay all right uh wow so you came out here and you're basically what? Going all out in stand-up. Were you doing stand-up in Philly at all?
Starting point is 01:30:47 Yeah, I was. I did Warm Daddies. I don't know if you ever heard of that. The Laugh Factory over there. I mean the Laugh House, sorry. Yeah. And I think that's like the only two spots right now that are like really popular besides open mics. And you moved here how long ago again from Philly? Three months. Three months. Yep. And you brought that t-shirt again from Philly? Three months. Three months. And you brought that t-shirt with you? No, I bought it from here.
Starting point is 01:31:08 That's why it's so tight. Wow. He is wearing a boy's extra small for the podcast listeners. I still got the tag on it? A lot of tattoos on you. Are you like a SoundCloud rapper or something like that?
Starting point is 01:31:23 No, just a regular battle rapper dude. Any tattoos that you regret? This one. What's that one? It was just a dragon. I was 17, and my dad was like, you want something? I was like, yeah. He's like, what?
Starting point is 01:31:36 I was like, that. That's cool. I didn't like it. I still don't. Wow. It's really dragging you down, it seems. Oh, I just got that. It's taking me you down, it seems. Oh, I just got that. It's taking me a while to get drunk.
Starting point is 01:31:51 Whoa. Sorry, was that me? Yeah. All right, June. Any other fun facts about you? Like if you had a book written about June Gonzalez, what do you think some chapters would be that would stand out to people? I just did the Apollo last week over in New York.
Starting point is 01:32:12 Really? Oh, nice. You did the Apollo? Showtime at the Apollo. You did Showtime at the Apollo? Did you rub the wooden stump? Yeah. I have the footage on my Instagram.
Starting point is 01:32:23 And you did stand-up? Yeah. How long did you do my Instagram. And you did stand up? Yeah. How long did you do there? A minute and a half. Wow. They sweep you off the stage? Nope. You just got to do it. Yeah. Did it go good? I didn't get sweeped. But I mean, did it go good or did you just... No, it went really well. I was really happy with the results. I was really happy and
Starting point is 01:32:39 they invited me back. So you felt the true power of the dark side. Yeah. Hey man, would you like to also do the Death Squad show Friday? Whoa, look at that. Making dreams come true. The oldest comedy club on the planet, the Ice
Starting point is 01:32:58 House. Try to get Estrada there too, man. I feel for that kid. What else about you, man? Any hobbies or fun things that you're into? I accidentally got stabbed out there, you know? Excuse me? Any other hobbies or fun things that you do? Poor kid.
Starting point is 01:33:11 I do martial arts. You do? What kind of martial arts do you do? Muay Thai. Muay Thai? Yeah, he could beat the shit out of me. I got that vibe right away. Wow.
Starting point is 01:33:19 Has anybody ever tried to start shit with you and you've had to use it to your advantage? I've never had to use it. Nope. Wow. Never at a rap battle? Somebody made fun of the right thing at the right time? You know, people get... It seems really intense, but people are actually very
Starting point is 01:33:32 nice offstage. Right. It's just the onstage thing. Any rap battler ever make fun of your dragon tattoo before? No. He covers that up. It should happen, but it hasn't for some reason. Alright. Well, well June.
Starting point is 01:33:49 I don't know what to do with you. Thank you. Is that you? I thought you were saying bye. You're sort of wild. Yeah. Thank you. Did you have an interesting childhood?
Starting point is 01:34:04 Normal family? No. What was that like? It was very different. Rico Suave. We're hitting that one home tonight. My parents were very different. My mom was like the man of the family and my dad, he had depression.
Starting point is 01:34:20 I can relate. I know you can't. Sad Darth Vader knows exactly what it's like to be a powerful man facing you know that was different how did you know your dad was depressed he would cry in his underwear
Starting point is 01:34:36 he would cry in his underwear with his underwear over his face he would just wear underwear and just cry what kind of underwear are we talking about? They were with tighty-whities with stains in the back. Oh, shit. That is really sad. Sad shit. Why do you think
Starting point is 01:34:51 I wear a full bodysuit and mask? You have shit stains on the back of your underwear? Unfortunately. Man, sad Darth Vader. I don't think this is good for your brand. I hope Disney doesn't watch this episode of Kill Tony. I haven't seen my children in years.
Starting point is 01:35:11 Darth. Look to the right. My children are in London. Sad Darth. Wait, Darth, that's him sitting right next to you. That's your son. I guess I was so focused and consumed on myself, I didn't see my family just to the right of me.
Starting point is 01:35:30 You want a hug? Luke. Okay, stop, stop, stop. Luke. This summer, Darth Vader. Hold on, hold on. Oh, Jesus. I would like to make up your 16th birthday right now.
Starting point is 01:35:52 Would you like your very own X-Wing? Oh, my God. Would you like a TIE fighter instead? What would you like? This summer. You know, that's your daughter's right there, too. Yeah, right back here, Dad. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:36:13 Wow. Hold on. June gave up, by the way. He's just on his phone. Darth, how do you feel about your daughter being back there and you saying that you haven't seen your kids in a while? She turned out much more attractive than I thought she would. Well, that's a compliment.
Starting point is 01:36:31 Thank you. I still remember you crying in your skid-marked underwear. Yeah, Dad. Not to mention my breathing problems. I have had a sleep apnea machine for the last 700 years. Sad Darth Vader. Well, June, it was fun having you on again. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:36:58 First time coming. Congratulations. Thank you. We'll see you again soon. Very soon. There he goes, June Gonzalez, ladies and gentlemen. June Gonzalez.
Starting point is 01:37:07 Good job, buddy. That's really it. That's what it looks like. Brent Morin's in Madison, Wisconsin June 1st and 2nd, brentmorin.com and ronfunches.com. If you live in Seattle
Starting point is 01:37:17 or Vancouver, go see him in Vancouver this weekend, June 1st and 2nd and a Netflix special. There's only a few tickets left for Ron's special, so get them now. June 19th
Starting point is 01:37:25 at the Neptune. Look at that. Ryan J. Ebel drew that tonight while we were all sitting here. That's Ron Funches and Brent Morin. That's amazing. The band, Tony and Brian Redman. That's seriously amazing. He draws it every Monday. Those are available at ryanjebelt.com. You can get the new Kill Tony
Starting point is 01:37:41 poster there as well. So much talent. I think there might be rumors of a third one coming. And that's it. That's what an episode of Kill Tony looks like. Anything else you guys want to plug? Ron, Bren, anything crazy? No, just go to our websites and see tour dates. That's it.
Starting point is 01:37:58 Ron Funches and Brent Morin, everybody. Thank you. Jeremiah Watkins. We love you, Comedy Store. Kill Tony, we love you. I'd hate to spoil No spoilers but Jeremiah Watkins Is the man underneath the Darth Vader
Starting point is 01:38:11 Attire Jeremiah anything else you want to plug New episode of Jeremiah Wonders out right now With Kevin Nealon how about that Jeremiah getting the fucking big guests Nowadays Listen to Jeremiah Wonders. Follow me on social media
Starting point is 01:38:27 at Jeremiah Stand Up and get ready for your minds to be blown this fall when the Reagan and Watkins album debuts. That is true. I'm telling you right now, it's going to be your favorite musical comedy piece that you've ever found. I know these guys really made something extremely special. Even
Starting point is 01:38:43 sad Darth Vader's nodding his head yes on that. Chroma Chris, Luke Skywalker tonight. What'd you think about tonight's episode? Tony, I thought it was out of this world. Whoa! Oh my god. How about Schoelberg?
Starting point is 01:39:00 Princess Leia back there. I'm mostly sorry on Instagram. Bye. Thanks. Yeah, there you go. Kill Tony's going to Portland, Cleveland, Fort Wayne, Nashville, Grand Rapids, Detroit with Danny Brown, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth. So if you're listening to this show,
Starting point is 01:39:17 you might as well get tickets for that. I'm doing stand-up in some of those places. Sometimes, you know, we're all doing stand-up. Some places only some people are. It's all crazy. So we're all doing stand-up. Some places only some people are. It's all crazy. We're busy, busy bees. Get the new Kill Tony shirt. By the way, if you want to watch
Starting point is 01:39:33 any of the past episodes, every episode is at DeathSquad.TV. Click on videos. They're all right there. Yeah, everything's there. There you go. Thank you, live audience, for coming out tonight. Have a great night.
Starting point is 01:39:46 We'll see you again soon. Remember, Tom Segura, the week after the five-year. Tickets still available for that. The five-year is sold out. We love you guys. Good night. Bye. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing You gotta have something If you wanna be with me
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