KILL TONY - KILL TONY #269
Episode Date: June 1, 2018Ron Funches, Brent Morin, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 05/28/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/ad...choices
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Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website
DeathSquad.tv. There you can find all the past episodes, including video portions of all the
shows and all the stuff that we do at Death Squad. You could also check out our tour dates.
Click on tour dates and there you can get tickets to see Kill Tony every Monday
at the World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California.
Or we are always on the road.
We are coming to Detroit.
We are coming to Indiana.
We are even maybe Cleveland.
A bunch of new dates are being added all the time.
Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates.
Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website that has some tour dates on there.
Also, and all the information you need of the Golden Pony, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com.
Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist.
He drew every episode.
He drew the poster.
He drew the book.
Go to his website to get a bunch of cool shit.
Go to ryanjebelt.com.
And last but not least, shopsquad.tv.
There you have all the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including Death Squad hats and mugs and shirts.
But we also have the new Kill Tony number two shirt, the second shirt that we've done.
That's up for preorder right now.
So get in your preorders so you can guarantee your
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by going to shopsquad.tv
Alright, here's a brand new episode
of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Red Band.
Coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony.
Get up, Tony.
Hey, what's up, everybody?
Welcome. How are you?
Hell yeah.
I like this.
It's a mellow little Monday.
Just a little half-packed main room for you.
Memorial Day.
That's right.
Happy Memorial Day, ladies and gentlemen.
How about that? We're here.
A lot of people celebrating barbecues.
Not us. We came for blood, people.
You're at the number
one live podcast in the world. You guys having
fun so far? Brian Redband's here.
What's up, guys? Ryan J. Ebel
sitting there drawing tonight's episode.
And
a lot of fun stuff planned for us
tonight. And Kill Tony's going
on the road. Fuck yeah. Yeah, we're going to
Portland. This one got booked
spur of the moment. So
we're in Portland June 17th.
That's coming up. Yeah, very fast.
Yeah, I'm doing a whole weekend of stand-up
there June 15th and 16th. And then
Kill Tony's in Portland on the 17th on the
Sunday. And then Kill Tony's in Cleveland on August 1th, on the Sunday, and then Kill Tony's in Cleveland
on August 1st, of Hilarities, and then
we do Stand Up on August 2nd,
and then we do Kill Tony on August 4th.
And then I do Lexington
the 9th, 10th, and 11th of August,
and then we do Kill Tony Nashville
on August 12th. Did we announce
that last week, that that's the rescheduled
Nashville date? No, I don't think so.
Well, guess what, Nashville? I got some
breaking news for you.
August 12th, we're back at you.
Lansing, Michigan.
September 20th, Grand Rapids
the 21st. In Detroit,
Kill Tony with Danny Brown on the
22nd. Yes, that's Danny Brown
on the phone. Yes. And then we're in
Austin, Houston,
and Fort Worth after that.
The Kill Tony shirt
is available pre-order. It ships
this week. If you haven't ordered yet, go to
shopsquad.tv. We also ordered
a bunch of them we're going to have for the five-year
anniversary that you can buy here at the Comedy
Store. We just want to pick it up. And that's on the
five-year anniversary. That's June 18th.
That's already sold out. But the week after,
the guest will be Tom Segura.
So get tickets
for that. Why not? Everybody loves
Tom. And let's just jump
right into it, shall we? Should we bring
up tonight's guest?
Every week
I always have two of the
funniest, most amazing and awesome
comedians in the world on this show. This week's
no different. It's the return guest. You know him from so many great things. Put your hands together for our
Ron Funches and Brent Morin, everybody. Undateable, movies, television, Conan, The Tonight Show.
Plethora of great things. You guys have been on Kill Tony before.
Welcome back.
Always a pleasure to have you.
How are you guys doing tonight?
Doing good.
Hell yeah.
How about you, Brent?
I feel great.
I love it.
I'm excited.
So much fun stuff going on with you guys.
Brent, you're in Madison this weekend.
And Ron, you're in Vancouver this weekend.
You're taping your special
at the Neptune Theater June 19th.
Yeah.
Which is awesome.
You from Seattle?
No, I'm from Oregon.
Oh, yeah.
But it just seems like a fun place to do it.
God, I love the way you talk.
I know, it's so romantic.
It's just so soothing.
Yeah, I know.
I take a nap.
It like relaxes my energy.
So you're like my dog whisperer or something like that.
You, like, make me more mellow.
Yeah, he's like a natural Xanax.
Yeah, we do have, like, opposite energy.
It's true.
It is true.
Speaking of opposite energies, guys, we have a big, crazy band that's part of the show.
How many people out there have any idea what show you're at right now?
There's a band that comes out
every week and they commit to
characters. We never know what
they're going to do. Last week they had
a 10-piece brass band come out and
back them up, which was epic. It's amazing.
Yeah. Sometimes they're
mimes. Sometimes they just broke out of prison.
I don't know what they're going to be tonight. So let's
see what they do. It's the Kill Tony Band, guys.
Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, Chroma Chris, the Kill Tony Band.
Come on.
Where's the something?
Hell yeah.
Uh-oh.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
That's hilarious.
Star Wars.
Wow. Oh, my God. hilarious. Star Wars. Wow.
Oh my god, yes.
Jesus Christ.
That's awesome.
Wow.
Definitely Star Wars themed.
I'm not exactly sure who's who.
Wow.
What the...
Oh my goodness.
You're my sister!
Wow.
Alright.
Luke Skywalker and Joel just made out.
Yeah, that's Chroma Chris.
You're really liking this look, I can tell.
This is something you're really into this.
Wow.
Is this Han Solo if he was frozen longer in carbonite?
The thawing process did not work on you.
Hey, Tony.
Hey, there he is, Han Solo.
And then we clearly have, yeah.
Can we get the, that's perfect.
What?, yeah. Can we get the, that's perfect. What?
Fuck yeah.
We have Chroma Chris, who actually does in a weird way look like Luke Skywalker.
Pretty fucking weird.
I never really noticed it before.
So we found your true calling here tonight.
And then look at this dirty slut back here.
I think we've seen this wig a few times.
It's Princess Leia.
You can see those brown nips.
Yeah, no bra.
I mean, my labia is about to fall out right now.
Where did you get a Princess Leia dress from?
I don't want to talk about it.
I already had it. I love it.
Well, everything's in place. I have a bucket
filled with comedians' names. If I pull your
name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds of
uninterrupted stage time. Anything can happen.
You know your 60 seconds is up
when you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out
the angry West Hollywood bear.
You don't want
that to happen. You guys ready to start this show or what?
Here we are.
This is it.
Three weeks away.
Yeah, that's a fun little thing.
From the five-year anniversary.
Fuck yeah.
All right.
This looks like a new name.
Put your hands together for Alexander Rizzo.
Here we go.
Here we go.
I don't see any movement. I don't see any movement
I don't see any movement
Uh oh
Blacklisted
Fear got him
Or her
When you hear that backup alarm
Oh this is actually interesting
I know this guy
We know him if you guys are fans of Malcolm Hatchett
The regular on this show
I know this guy as the guy that's his neighbor,
and by that he sleeps in his car next to Malcolm.
I mean, their cars are next to each other, not next to each other.
And they both sleep in their cars.
So let's see what happens, ladies and gentlemen.
It's Srijoy Mitra for the very first time ever on Kill Tony.
I love it. He's
acting surprised like he didn't know
he slept in a car next to Malcolm every
night. He's shocked
that it's him. He can't believe
it. 60 seconds
uninterrupted. Make some noise
for
Sreejoy Mitra. Thank you. No vendre sans un bonnet Thank you.
That was great.
I'm just friends with Malcolm.
I just do music.
I don't do nothing else.
And I like Tony,
and I hang out with him sometimes.
Your power is so incredible that you broke the soundboard, Srijoy.
The cat literally fell asleep during whatever note you hit there.
Fuck yeah, Srijoy Mitra, ladies and gentlemen. There you go.
It's a huge breakdown in uh the show's format
sri joy all right wow i love what's happening here uh i thank you for taking a break from
doing yoga to be on uh this show first of all you seem so shocked is this you that signed up
tonight yes yeah it definitely was yeah. And then I pulled your name out
and you seemed so excited, right?
Like it was unbelievable.
Yeah, I, yeah.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
So how many times have you ever done
stand-up comedy before?
Never ever in my life. Right, you still
haven't. Don't get it twisted.
Yeah, I don't. Well, I'm not
going to lie though. When I went to private
school for 10 years,
I was the only brown person, so
before they could be racist
to me, I was racist
to myself in front of them.
It's like
a defense mechanism.
Can you give us an example of the types of things you would say about yourself?
I wouldn't say...
I would just...
What was that thing?
Wrong Disney movie.
This is Mowgli, dude.
Joelberg is here.
Holy shit.
I mean, it's brown on brown, so it's okay.
So, what do you mean you would make fun of yourself?
I would just talk like this.
Mainly, that was it.
I don't know.
They would just get a kick out of it.
Right, right, right.
So now, let me get this right, because I know a little bit about you,
because we have a regular on this show.
You guys know we've always had people
that don't come out of the bucket.
There's always one person that's a regular.
We have our first ever male regular, Malcolm Hatchett.
Cool story.
He's been on the show a couple months,
writes and performs a new 60 Seconds every week,
still lives in his car,
but just got signed by a big agent
and is already getting work opportunities
and things like that.
And then there's Srijoy,
who also sleeps in his car,
friends with Malcolm.
You guys are from the same hometown, right?
That's where in North Carolina?
Winston-Salem.
Winston-Salem.
There's some Winston-Salem music for you.
You know when you say Winston-Salem, all the wacky music starts.
Some of that New Orleans sounding.
That is such Winston-Salem music.
Am I right, people?
It's the last three seconds of Bare Necessities from Jungle Book.
That's what it is?
Like what's right before that sound like?
Okay, now I believe you.
Oh, wow, Han Solo knows how to play Bear Necessities.
I guess they were out in theaters at the same time.
So, Srijoy, you're a musician, right?
Yeah
And what do you do other than what you did here tonight?
You play instruments and stuff?
Mainly classical piano
And then I have material
On every musical
Digital media
Right, and that's what you want to be
You want to be basically like a rock star, right?
Yeah, I just want to pursue music, just play live my own songs.
Right, right.
No ghostwriters for you.
All right.
Well, I mean, how's that working out for you?
I mean, for example, Malcolm wanted to take the comedic route,
so he signed up for this show and sort of like you know a comedy show does
stand-up comedy for 60 seconds when he gets okay yeah i do there's a there's a jazz place i go like
after this so yeah it's the same thing it is consistency every single day practice and then
go out meet people in the industry yeah and just main thing is consistent. Yeah, take the mic out.
Uh-oh, settling in.
Let people know.
Yeah, no, I'm just saying like the main thing is consistency
through diligence, meeting people, practicing,
keeping a good mindset.
I mean, I know that the reason why I sign up is because like
you're friends with Malcolm, so like I know that if anybody
knows this other than Malcolm,
it's you that knows that it is consistency and commitment
to what you like to do.
Absolutely.
You are living your best life of Pi.
So imagine you're a rock star, right?
And the whole crowd is there to see your songs.
Can you give us an example?
Because I guess since you don't really want to be a stand-up comedian,
there's no point in us giving you any advice or anything like that.
But I guess we could practice your segues in between songs or maybe at the end.
What would be your version of, Hey, you guys want to hear one more fucking song tonight or what?
Let's hear that.
What do you mean?
You're a rock star.
People want an encore.
Did you just remix yourself?
Han Solo
taking no prisoners tonight.
I don't know what you mean by that.
I really don't know.
Break it down, baby.
So you're a musician, right?
Okay, let's say you're playing piano and you got the crowd all hyped.
What would be something that you would say into the microphone at some point?
Would you like more?
You know what?
That's pretty good.
We can't really give you any advice on that.
more? You know what? That's pretty good. We can't really give you any
advice on that.
Can you give us an example
of how you would arrive at your piano
and welcome the audience?
You don't really have to do the physical part so much.
Like that? I guess so.
If you just ignore them and walk right up to the piano
like a goddamn demented demon,
then that's what you should do.
If that's your approach,
is just don't acknowledge them.
Han Solo?
Tony, he reminds me of one of the sand people on Tatooine.
Yeah?
How?
Wow.
What was this?
So Street Joy
How do you survive?
Yeah, that's a good question
My parents support me
My parents support me
Your three hot dogs at 7-Eleven?
Whoa, Jesus, Red Band
Oh, come on
They're booing you
They're physically booing you tonight.
I love this crowd.
Look at that.
You podcast listeners, people are throwing tomatoes on this stage.
Thank God I'm hungry.
They work at Wake Forest University.
Sounds like a real place.
Yeah.
What?
They both work at Wake Forest?
What do they do at Wake Forest?
They are professors.
My dad does communication.
My mom is in biophysics.
Oh, they must hate your life right now.
Why do you live in a car then?
Yeah, why are they embarrassed?
I mean, is this car like tough love?
That's why.
I guess mainly because it took a while for me to convince them to allow me.
Yeah, now they work at Woke Forest.
Okay, I fucked that up.
I fucked it up.
No, don't laugh just because he hosts the show.
It's true.
Don't.
I'm telling you, I fucked that one up.
I guess no one in the family has done something like this and uh i've just can i've
i've shown them my devotion to music and yeah i have done good things in music before how old are
you 23 how long do you think they're going to support you for how long do you think you have
you you think it's everlasting? Well, technically it is,
but I don't want their support after a year and a half.
You've set a date.
You've set a date.
Did you tell them about this date?
No.
Just a case, you know?
Fucking perfect.
If I were you, then I can give you a good piece of advice here tonight.
My piece of advice is don't tell them that, Dave.
Well, they're going to hear it now.
But I've actually heard you play piano backstage sometimes after the show's over.
There's a big, giant grand piano back there, and he has access due to his immediate friendship with Malcolm Hatchett.
And it is pretty awesome.
You are sort of really great at that.
Thank you.
So how can people find your work?
Just by looking you up? S-R-I-J-O-Y?
Yeah.
If you want to just Google me,
that's fine. Google Srijoy Mitra.
M-I-T-R-A. Alright, man.
Well, thanks for getting the show started tonight.
Thank you.
There he is, Srijoy Mitra. Came up to sing a little note.
I don't know Anything can happen
That's what happens if someone doesn't do comedy
That's incredible
It just goes to show
The show completely runs on its own
Have a goddamn musician come up
Still the same
Put your hands together for Kenny Brown
Here we go Have a goddamn musician come up. Still the same. Put your hands together for Kenny Brown.
Here we go.
Here comes movement.
I see Kenny Brown.
Wow, a little Mos Eisley Cantina music.
Make some noise for the band.
Make some noise for Kenny Brown, ladies and gentlemen.
What's good, y'all?
A little about me.
I love the group NWA.
Niggas with attitude.
I love them.
Growing up in Long Beach and Compton, I thought I could be a nigga with attitude.
Then straight out of Compton came out and my dreams were crushed.
Did y'all know them niggas had attitude?
Them niggas had so much attitude, god damn.
That's not my group.
My group is niggas with asthma.
Niggas with Asperger's.
Coming straight out of my therapist's office.
Niggas with Ashley.
Those are niggas that are having sex with my girlfriend Ashley Ashley please stop this
stop having sex with these niggas
she is not here and not real
I like to wear all black at night
because I'm part of a competitive hide-and-go-seek league.
Thank you.
Are the people you're playing hide-and-seek against
the police?
Hi, Kenny.
Is this your first time on the show?
My third time.
Oh, okay.
What have we found out about you?
Last time I was on, I think.
No, you know.
You remember exactly what the fuck happened.
Last time I was on, we talked about my arms and how thick they were, how big I was.
What?
Yeah, no. You guys, like, talked about how small my how thick they were, how big I was. What? Yeah, no.
You guys talked about how small my arms were.
Oh, yeah, you do have skinny arms.
That's right.
No, no, I'm seeing it now.
Not how thick they are.
Not how thick they are.
I love that.
And last time I was on, Felipe Esparza, instead of Don Cheeto, he called me Don Hot Cheetos.
All right.
Well, look, works on two podcasts, I guess.
That's all I see is, like, toothp works on two podcasts I guess. That's all I see is like toothpicks coming out
of a potato.
That's true.
It really is incredible.
Those are some really tiny arms.
A real
what went wrong funches.
What?
No, but Kenny,
seriously, it's not all jokes.
He is one of the funniest up-and-coming quadriplegic fully mobile comedians.
It's incredible that you can move around and still have the bare bones.
I've got thick quads at least.
Yeah, everything else is normal size.
It's incredible.
Your forearms are more like one arms.
If we got Shree back up here, they could sing the bare necessities. else is normal size. It's incredible. Your forearms are more like one arms.
If we got Shree back up here,
they could sing the Bear Necessities.
He looks like Baloo. Alright, moving on. Wow.
Risky joke back there. Princess
Leia taking chances.
My goodness.
Wow. The force is strong back
there, huh?
Oh boy.
Kenny, what do you do for work?
I work security at a warehouse.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you learned that last time too.
Yeah.
Okay.
I do nothing.
I pretty much stand outside and listen to podcasts.
Have you ever had to secure anything?
I put out a fire one time.
Literally one time, that's all.
How'd you put it out?
Sat on it.
What's that supposed to mean?
Get off me! That's a fat joke.
It's a fat Baloo joke.
I'm a big guy. I'm a thick guy.
I, uh, no, I, uh...
Was it a fire extinguisher? A shirt?
Like, how'd you put it out? At first,
I got a couple water bottles and I tried
Oh, it was a trash can fire?
I tried that.
It was just a basic trash can fire?
It was like a little bush fire.
Just a little bush fire.
And then I tried it.
It didn't work.
The other cat came out from the office.
How did it start?
This homeless cat with a cigarette flicked his ass.
Wow.
Yeah.
So you're a hero.
Yeah.
The other cat with the fire extinguisher was
Yeah but you got there first
So there's that
First responder
You work with
Kenny when you're not doing stand up
What else are you into?
Competitive not having arms competitions
Good one Tony Thank you Thank you Han competitive not having arms competitions.
Good one, Tony.
Thank you.
Not clapping.
Thank you, Han.
To be honest, I just started working out.
Because I just went to the doctor.
He said I lost weight, and I had to.
It was in your forearm.
So you lost forearm weight in an unheard of event.
The doctor's like, this is incredible.
We've weighed your forearm separately from your body.
Wow.
So what kind of working out are you doing?
Legs weak.
I just go out and walk my dog.
I tried hot yoga for a couple times.
That's good, yeah.
Who's really walking who on that walk with your dog? He's dragging me back.
What kind of dog do you have? Labrador Retriever. Chewbacca.
Wow.
How long have you had
your dog for?
12 years.
He's 700 years old.
You live by yourself?
Nah.
Okay, guys.
All right, all right.
Who do you live with?
Can I play with that?
Who do you live with?
I live with my parents right now.
Oh.
And it's your dog or is it your parents' dog?
It's my dog.
I've had it.
I adopted it.
Ron has gotten permission from Red Band to play with the soundboard for you podcast listeners.
That's why everybody's laughing here.
You're fired.
Yeah.
Can you believe that that's a button?
That's a fun button
So Kenny I'm just going to keep the interview going
It's all good
Where were we just talking about?
My dog
So you live with your parents
And how old are you?
25
And you got the security job
You just started working out
Are you going to a gym?
You have a gym membership?
Yes. I don't use it, though.
But you said you just started working out.
Like, I walk, and I do, like,
fucking insanity and shit.
Like, home shit. I don't like being
out with people doing shit like that.
Oh, I see. Is this a service dog you have?
Do I look that retarded now?
No, that's not...
Yeah, Tony, does he look retarded?
Hey, his words, not Hans.
Kenny, what's your love life like?
What did you think Han Solo talks like?
I don't know.
I've been called space trash a lot over the years.
So classy and cool.
Turn him on.
Kenny, what's your love life like?
Yeah, how's Ashley? I've been single for three years And I haven't had sex in three years
Really
Oh I wish I had it
I gotta joke about it
Oh alright
Have you gone on any dates or anything
No
I don't know I don't like the apps Have you gone on any dates or anything? No. No? No. Just playing it cool?
I don't like the apps.
You don't like the apps?
Do you ask people out in real life?
It's hard.
You're really painting yourself in a corner there.
I'm not looking to date.
I'm not looking to date either.
To me, I'm not looking to date.
You're focused.
Have you ever thought about signing up for eHarmony.com
and using the backslash Kill Tony
and saving 30% off the first month.
No, but I've used MeUndies and used the backslash Kill Tony.
Oh, yeah.
And wearing them right now.
Oh, wow.
Well, look at that.
I mean, it fits people with tiny forearms.
The MeUndies.com.
We all put our MeUndies on one pant leg at a time.
Now we've got to get a girl to see the MeUndies.
What do you say?
You seem pretty shy.
Why are you so shy?
Have you always been shy?
Or did something happen in your childhood?
No, I've always been shy.
I've been shy since I was a child.
As an only child, something happened in my childhood.
Yeah, I'm an only child, so I didn't really have people to talk to.
Your parents there for you?
I love a shy security guard.
Yeah, it's like an indie movie.
Hey, God, please get out of here.
You don't have brothers and sisters?
Hey, when you have a moment, if you wouldn't mind vacating the premises, that'd be great.
Yeah.
Put that back.
You don't have brothers and sisters?
One adopted brother, yeah.
One adopted brother.
The parents like him more than you?
You can say that. Really?
No.
He's the athlete.
He's got shit together.
He's got big forearms.
Thick.
Is he like jacked?
He's got a girl. He's got dad bod now,
but he's pretty good. Nice.
What does he do? He's got a girl. He's got a dad by now, but he's pretty good. Nice. What does he do?
He's a software designer.
He does computer shit.
That's why he doesn't like the apps.
Deep-seated shit going on.
He can hook me up.
What do you spend...
It seems like you like to spend a lot of time at home,
sort of reclusive guy you'd call yourself, right?
Yeah, I would.
What are some of the things that you
do to keep yourself occupied?
Play games and shit. You keep the room
dark mostly? Is it a dark room you tend to hang out in?
I like to hide in the shadows, yeah.
Whoa. Aphrodite
reacted to that. I don't know. You're putting
out some kind of...
She can feel the fact that you haven't been fucked for three
years. She's piping up over here.
Aphrodite can't help herself.
All right.
Well, anything else for Kenny, guys?
I thought it was really good, man.
Oh, thank you.
You're talented.
I just think you should, you know, get out there,
try to have a more well-rounded life a little bit.
Yeah, it's right there.
You're not an ugly guy.
You can get a girl.
A lot of people think it's just all about comedy focus,
but what are you going to talk about, you know,
if you're not out there living and hopefully fucking?
Yeah.
Horse of truth on that one.
A little trick of the show.
Next time Tony asks you what you talked about last time,
remind him you spent the whole time talking about your big dick.
And then... the whole time talking about your big dick.
Han Solo's on fire.
Millennium Falcon speed over there.
All right, one more time for Kenny Brown,
ladies and gentlemen.
He's on Instagram at KennyBigBelly,
one word.
All right.
Show's moving along smoothly.
We have reached our flying... Some real powerful speeches coming out of these people.
Yeah, it is.
It's very emotional.
It is.
It's a powerful episode so far.
Very moving.
And I think we're going to stay on that path.
We've seen this young man before.
Put your hands together for Michael Pena.
Here we go.
I love that actor.
Michael Pena. Here we go. I love that actor. Michael Pena, popping up like a goddamn jack-in-the-box
from the middle of the crowd.
It takes a long time for the comedians to get to this stage nowadays.
It's a long walk.
Here he is.
One more time for Michael Pena.
Hello, everybody. My time for Michael Pena. Hello, everybody.
My name is Michael Pena.
Does anybody out there know what Pena means?
No, fool.
It means I'm Mexican with white privilege.
Look at this.
You know, the funny thing about the Latino culture is East Coast and West Coast don't necessarily agree with each other.
For example, I had my mechanic friend who's Salvadorian says to me, hey, ask the guy what
sospina means. Anybody out there
knows what sospina means?
What, did I say immigration
in the kitchen back there or something? Come on,
come on. It means, are
you gay? So I was sucking
this guy's dick, and I'm like, hell yeah, I'm
big ol' homo, 37 years of
fucking this dick. Okay.
I think my time's up.
All right.
Is that it?
You've given up?
He's tapping out?
He got in and out.
You're that confident that that was 60 seconds, huh?
Pretty close.
37 years of sucking dick.
You still really believe that, huh?
That's it. It's going to be so weird when you rewatch that right there. Oh, huh? Pretty close. You still really believe that, huh?
It's going to be so weird when you re-watch that right there.
Oh, yeah. No, it is.
All right.
I suck some dick. That's it.
Thanks for having me.
I've never had to explain this before,
but you guys know the clock doesn't start
when you start walking to the stage.
Oh, no.
The clock starts as soon as you get up here
and start talking.
A little fun fact.
I think he just got nervous for talking about
sucking so many dicks or something.
I mean, you talk about sucking dick
every time you're on this show, right?
No, it's the first time, actually.
Brian never forgets who talks about sucking those dicks.
I always remember you.
I always remember you, Tony.
Don't touch me.
Yeah, sucking dick's a pretty hard job. Yeah, get that straw. I always remember you. I always remember you, Tony. Don't touch me.
Yeah, sucking dick's a pretty hard job.
Yeah, get that straw.
Michael, why do you look like you're about to perform an exorcist on somebody?
What is this, a Bible hanging out of your pocket there?
Oh, no, no, no.
Jokes?
Just a thick hardcover joke?
No, it's just my look.
It's what I like.
No, it's a nice look. I go for business.
It's well put together.
I work for business. That's what I come from. Of course. my look. It's what I like. No, it's a nice look. It's well put together. I work for business.
That's what I come from.
Of course.
My office.
It's like a mayor.
It's a compliment.
At one point there, would you say that you've been gay for 35 years or out for 35 years?
36 years.
Yeah, I've been gay for 36 years.
See, that's why you're well put together.
1982.
1982.
How old are you?
56. 56. Wow. How old are you? 56.
56.
Wow.
How old were you when you came out?
I was 21 turning 22.
21 turning.
In the 80s.
Yeah.
Good time.
Did you always feel and know like you were gay, or did you just get some bad puss when you were 21?
You know what I mean?
No, actually, I was an athlete in college, so it just wasn't cool to be gay, so I wasn't.
And then when I turned 21, I kind of figured it out.
Wait, what were you in college?
I was a gymnast.
A gymnast?
Wait a minute.
Wait, what?
Definitely not cool to be a gay gymnast.
Yeah.
Doing the ribbons.
I mean, how tough
for these other gymnasts that you couldn't just say,
I'm gay.
You guys are doing floor routines with ribbons and you're afraid
to tell them, hey, you know, I'm thinking I'm a little gay.
They're probably all like, thank God you said it, so am I.
The irony, don't make me
hop down from these rings.
Dude, you better not be gay.
Watch this front end spray.
The irony, that's a very sexist thing to say, but it's true.
Wait, what's a sexist thing to say?
Oh, to say that all gymnasts are gay.
I don't think they're gay.
They're strong.
Yeah, they're not.
I'd be gay for a gym.
A very small percentage actually are gay.
No, a lot are gay.
Well, a lot of them are gay.
I mean, you were gay and you did it. actually are gay. No, a lot are gay. A lot of them are gay.
You were gay and you did it.
My brother was a gymnast and he's gay.
That's true.
Two for two.
Clearly the scales are not balanced on these gay gymnasts.
Well, the parkour movement today has
many, many people who are straight.
Parkour?
Yeah, same thing. I know parkour movement today has many, many people who are straight who are not. Parkour? Yeah, yeah. Same thing.
Gymnastics.
I know parkour.
Parkour is sort of like the bad boy gymnastics, isn't it?
I've never really thought of it that way.
Very true.
It's the rebellious gymnastics.
Do you ever...
Oh, yeah.
The Han Solo of gymnastics.
What?
Very true.
What was your thing when you were a gymnast.
I was a tumbler.
I was special on parallel bars.
That's my specialty.
Hold on.
Brian's playing some of his trademark tumbling music.
I've always wondered what it is.
That's parallel bars, yeah.
We won national championships.
Really?
Wow.
Against UCLA, actually.
At UCLA?
Against UCLA. Against UCLA. You. At UCLA? Against UCLA.
You guys won a national championship in tumbling.
No, in gymnastics. All six events.
Just overall gymnastics. Did you tumble in that
competition? In fact, I was the coach for that event.
Wow.
Look at you. Were you a little
Coach Nassery with any of your
clients? Never gave
them any of those dirty massages or
anything? I can't believe it.
Can we edit that out immediately?
That was one Mr. Nassery. Can we delete that
from all live streams?
Did you ever...
Can somebody make that a
ringtone for me?
What was that? My Larry Nassar joke?
Oh, Larry Nassar.
Yeah.
I didn't know him, but anyway.
Right.
I didn't know him.
Probably a good thing that you didn't tumble into him at any point.
That was actually women's gymnastics, just to clarify.
Wow, it's all the same.
Yeah.
So, Michael, when's the last time that you took a tumble
or jumped from a building to another?
Actually, we did a movie just about six months ago that I did that, yeah.
What did you do?
You jumped from one building to the other?
Yeah, it was just a scene that we had to do.
Casting couch type thing?
No.
No.
Actually not.
Can you still do the flips and stuff?
Well, yeah.
Really?
Yep.
Jesus.
Me too.
You don't do it at all anymore?
Always want to do it at all anymore?
I do when it's something that fits for the role that I'm doing. Do you ever use your gymnastics in the bedroom with one of your male partners?
Do you ever do a little accidentally tumble right onto his dick or something like that?
I think...
Is that too on the nose?
I think all men have tumbled for other people in the bedroom.
If I remember, you haven't been laid in a while.
Yes, it's still staying.
I have a guy that hasn't been laid in three years.
I say we can make this shit happen tonight.
Let's do it.
No, no, no, no, no.
You ever take a man's virginity before, Michael?
You ever had an arm up your ass?
No, no, no, no, no.
You ever pop a chocolate cherry?
Actually, never.
Brian, did you say arm up your ass?
Because he's got a real Kermit the Frog vibe.
His voice is the way you're...
Absolutely no.
Absolutely.
So, Michael, how long have you been on stand-up?
Well, I started a year ago here, actually, on this stage.
On Kill Tony, right?
Yep, yep.
Last June, sometime in the middle of June, I believe. Yeah. stage. I killed Tony, right? Yep, yep. Last June.
Sometime in the middle of June,
I believe.
Yeah.
How's life been going for you?
Great.
Really busy doing a lot of things.
He's obviously rich.
No, no, no.
He's rich.
Is that true?
What do you do for a living?
Well, I'm producing a film right now.
Oh, wow.
You are rich.
No, no.
Right place, right time.
Helping the right people.
What happened to the software company?
Still doing that.
Still doing that.
Wow, now you're producing a film.
Is this like a dream project of yours?
Actually, it's a very important project.
Yeah, it's about overcoming hate with humanity.
Yeah.
Oh, well, that's very cool.
From behind.
Yeah.
Yeah.
These people are really dropping a ball on the clapping.
Yeah, it's a little message. It on the clapping Yeah It's a little message
It's nothing special
Just something we're doing
You from LA?
I'm actually from
Phoenix, Arizona
But actually Portland
I came from Portland
How long have you lived here?
I lived here
About three years now
West Hollywood?
No actually
Santa Monica
Santa Monica
He's rich
With that hair
Yeah
Santa Monica vibe
Absolutely
Santa Monica A galaxy far far away with that hair. Absolutely.
Santa Monica,
a galaxy far, far away.
West side of USA.
And you lived in Santa Monica the whole time? You went straight from Phoenix to...
I went from Portland
to Santa Monica. We did this film
and then we did another one, so that's where we are now. Do you ever hang out in West Hollywood? No, it's a little too gay for me, to Santa Monica. We did this film and then we did another one.
So that's where we are now.
Do you ever hang out in West Hollywood?
No, it's a little too gay for me to be honest.
What's too gay?
Welcome to another episode of Too Gay.
All right.
What else is too gay to you?
Can you give us some more examples?
Too gay, sure. Comedians who say gay jokes and they kind of look at you and go like that after. That's too gay to you? Can you give us some more examples of... Oh, too gay, sure.
Comedians who say gay jokes
and they kind of look at you and go like that after.
That's too gay.
Whoa.
You let them know.
Why do I feel like I once accidentally did that to you
and now you're, like, holding it against me?
No, no, no, not at all.
I just think it's funny.
I actually have a little game I play
when comedians say gay jokes.
I try to determine if they're gay or not.
Oh, wow.
Most of them are.
Most of them are.
Because, honestly, I've never think of a straight joke, and I'm gay.
So they must be gay if they're thinking of gay jokes.
I don't know.
I got one for you.
I got one for you.
Go ahead, Han.
You're going to do a joke?
Wow, you're going to do a gay joke?
Yeah.
Okay, Han Solo doing a gay joke, ladies and gentlemen.
Where else do you get to see this other than Kill Tony live?
Built it up a little bit more than I would have liked.
When was the last time you had a lightsaber in your mouth?
Alright.
Is that the setup or that's the joke?
It's the whole thing amigo.
Is that George W. Solo over there?
What's going on?
Stop pointing at everybody Well Michael
You have fun doing stand up
How often do you do it now?
I go up three or four times a week
You enjoy it right?
You have fun doing it?
Oh yeah of course I do
And it all started here for you on Kill Tony
And you've enjoyed this last year
With you guys giving me a chance, absolutely.
There you go. Michael Pena, ladies and gentlemen,
back on the show again.
It's been a couple few times he's been on since the
first time. You never know
who's going to get pulled out of the bucket.
Sometimes it's somebody that's been doing
it for 20 years. Sometimes it's
somebody's first time.
This time,
it's going to go to Kristen Lundberg. Come on, make some noise
for Kristen, everybody. Here she comes. Kristen Lundberg.
Hey, what's up? My name's Kristen Lundberg. My hair's name is Raggedy Ann on bath salts.
So I came here from Dayton, Ohio.
I was like, where can I fail but more expensively?
Cha-ching!
When I was living in Dayton, I was a dancer.
Okay, stripper.
For a very short period of time.
Some guy said I had a nice turd cutter and I had to get the fuck out of there.
I didn't dance.
All the other girls danced.
You know, everyone else would do like a sexy fireman down the pole, you know.
Just meow.
I did it myself.
But not me, dude, because I'm weird.
So I would just like
scuttle across the stage like a crab.
Dudes would give me
dollars. I would just eat them.
Fuck it.
Kristen Lundberg.
How's it going?
Welcome, welcome.
This is your first time on the show, right?
I think I'd remember you.
Yes, yes, yes.
Wow.
Were you really a stripper in Dayton, Ohio at the living room?
No, I'm familiar with the living room.
In fact, one of my childhood nicknames was Kitchen.
You know?
Because I was conceived at the other one.
You know what I'm saying?
Not the living room, but the...
All right.
So this is what happened to the Wendy's girl.
All right.
She made all that money early on, turned to heroin.
Now she's trying to get it back together in the fine arts.
No, you're hilarious, Kristen.
I loved your energy up there.
You seem like you escaped
from a psych war just in time
to make it to this tonight.
Hey, Han, what are you doing, man?
Wow.
I found one that I like.
I would eat a dick off the ground right now.
I'm not going to lie.
Whoa, look at...
Wow.
Oh, Han.
You doing all right, Han?
Han Solo just pulled out his
lightsaber.
Yeah.
My goodness gracious.
Wow, is that your real hair color? What I've got to ask... lightsaber. My goodness. Gracious.
Wow. Is that your real hair color?
What I've got to ask. I amped it up a little bit.
How long, and this is a serious question
because I'm
into Wookiees.
How long
have you not been shaving those sweet, sweet
pits of yours?
I don't shave.
I don't shave anything.
Is that true?
It is true.
Can we see on this side?
I want to see how red your armpit hair is.
I got some mole hair on this side.
Oh, no.
I have one little belly button hair.
Wow.
Look at that.
If that's not the hottest sarlacc pit I've ever seen.
Kristen, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?
Well, I started about 10 years ago, and I got kicked out of Wiley's Comedy Club.
Why?
About 10 years ago, before being too raunchy.
Why?
What did you say?
It was at an open mic, and I was 18.
And I was telling too many mom dick-sucking jokes.
Is that true?
Your mom sucked a lot of dicks?
It was terrible.
Was your daddy Warbucks not there?
I mean, really, it's none of our business.
I don't know, but I would just talk crazy stuff.
You know, when you do, everybody's had their bad years.
Han?
Has anybody ever told you that you look like something Jabba the Hutt would hack up when he has a cold?
Pretty sure.
And I mean that in the best damn way possible.
I don't know if he would hack me up, but you might find me in a shower drain, if you know what I mean. I know exactly what you mean. I don't know if you'd hack me up, but you might find me in a shower drain,
if you know what I mean.
I know exactly what you mean.
I don't know what's going on right now.
The most confusing flirting I've ever seen.
It's called a Jedi mind trick, nerd.
Hell yeah.
It's going to be interesting to see Han Solo
hook up with the Mucinex girl.
Kristen, how long have you been in L.A.?
A month.
And are you living here now?
Yeah.
Yeah, so you moved here from Dayton, Ohio.
From Chicago, actually.
Oh, from Chicago.
How long did you do stand-up in Chicago?
Four years.
Four fucking years.
And now, how do you make money?
How do you survive in Los Angeles? Well...
Okay.
Every time I hear it,
my body hits the floor. It's like...
That's like a strip club
gunshot, man.
I don't know.
Look at that.
Kristen Lundberg, a little firecracker up here.
Just red pubes flying around everywhere.
I would have used a Pavlov analogy,
but that works just the same way.
Yeah, there you go.
So Kristen.
I hope you brought a book cover for those
was that a book job?
I'm reading you loud and clear
still the most confusing
flirting
they gonna be fucking tonight
it's called a Jedi mind trick
nerd
what's the longest
amount of time that you've done on stage before?
What are you comfortable with?
In Nashville
well I'm comfortable with 40 minutes
I did an hour and 20 minutes
in a Nashville comedy festival
that they're doing at the Broken Record Comedy Fest
in Nashville
Was the record broken before you performed for an hour and 20 minutes
or was that your fault?
Is that my fault? Don't talk to my girl like that. They needed me.
Two against Han over here.
Alright, so Kristen,
I guess, what was your answer
to how you're surviving?
Well, my first job here
has been the job of an ice sculptor.
It's crazy, I know, but when I was in Chicago, I did some ice sculpting stuff,
and then I moved here, and there's tons of ice sculpting jobs to be had.
So I have three swans.
I have to sculpt for graduations for your sons and daughters who are graduating.
I'm going to be sculpting their swans.
Hey, hey, if you're lucky, I'll sculpt them naked, all right?
And they'll wear them in the freezer with a chainsaw,
just so you get that.
God damn.
You are wild.
What kind of...
Some rich high school kid's getting ice swans
at their graduation parties?
I didn't know.
Why is it swans?
Why swans? I think it's just
because it's the most classical
thing.
I don't know. Mine kind of look like that.
She's sorry. Red Band doesn't
find beauty in things like
swans. Peacocks are too hard.
Okay, Brian.
Too many eyes.
Do you really use a chainsaw to do that?
Yes
How long have you been doing that for?
It's terrifying
About a month
You have a chainsaw
I got the job like seven days
From being in Los Angeles
Did you know how to
Yeah
I cold called him
Do you hold down jobs?
Thank you
Did you really not know how to ice sculpt before doing it?
I just got it.
I had seen it done a lot of times.
I spent hours upon hours watching ice sculptors in Chicago.
I was the assistant, but I never actually handled the power tools.
So when I moved to Los Angeles, I was like, I'm just going to tell them I know how to do the power tools.
I cannot. Can you guys
imagine how shitty that first swan
must have looked?
What was up with this duck?
You remember that lady in Spain that tried to fix
the Jesus painting?
It is my favorite episode of I Love Lucy.
She pretends to art.
Kristen, you live by yourself?
No, I live with my roommate.
His name is Stefan, and he's my best friend.
We have bunk beds.
And he's imaginary.
I'm the only one who can see him.
You top bunk or bottom bunk?
I'm top bunk.
Wow.
I like to scratch on the ceiling to make the people
above me think there's rats on the floor.
You are so rude.
You do.
That bitch needs to quit wearing high heels in the middle of the night.
Take off your shoes
when you walk home. For the love of God,
it's not comfortable to be in those things.
That's hilarious.
I've got a question for my girl.
Han Solo.
Have you ever had salmonella?
Because you look like you have I don't know but I kind of want some salmonella chocolate
Again
The most confusing flirting
I am trying
I don't know how to flirt man
Are you free Friday
To do a spot at the Ice House Death Squad show?
Wow.
Look at that.
The first ever ice sculptor at the Ice House.
Kristen Lundberg.
There she goes, ladies and gentlemen.
There goes Kristen for the first time ever.
She's on Twitter at Mammy Spanx.
M-A-M-M-Y-S-P-A-N-X.
Kristen Lundberg, ladies and gentlemen.
Wow, that was fun.
Yeah, she makes you happy.
She reminded me of every girl I ever dated in Portland.
You did date a lot of redheads.
She just gave me space herpes.
I didn't want to like her, but I had to.
Yeah, I know.
When I saw her hair, I was like, Ron's going to like her. Yeah, but I was like, I didn't want to like her, but that happened. Yeah, I know. I figured when I saw her hair, I was like, Ron's going to like her.
Yeah, but I was like, I don't want to like her.
Yeah, yeah.
But then I did.
She wanted me around.
I know.
But I still think she's probably insane.
She's got to be.
No, not there.
She could be fun insane.
Yeah, like a phone where you want to watch her do jokes, but not be around her all the time.
Yeah, especially in the bunk bed.
Yeah, I feel bad for Stephon.
I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys
having fun out there, huh?
Alright, put your hands together
for Lupe Estrada.
For those of you that fast-forwarded through
the dates that we just announced,
Portland, Cleveland, Fort Wayne,
Lexington, Nashville, Lansing, Grand Rapids,
Detroit, Austin,
Houston, and Fort Worth, Texas,
and Chicago, Illinois.
TonyHinchcliffe.com. Here's Lupe Estrada,
everybody.
Hey, hey, hey.
My brother
DeGaldo is gay, and he came out
when he was a junior in high school. It was 1998.
And the night he came out,
my parents blamed his homosexuality
entirely on our free trial of America Online.
That trial, though, was only 120 minutes,
and it was split between me and my four brothers.
So my mom and dad think my brother became gay
after using the Internet for exactly 24 minutes.
We got rid of the internet that night.
My dad ejected the disc from the computer,
and he's like,
no more of this beachy fucking internet.
And he just broke the disc over his knee
in front of all of us.
And I thought, Rob,
because I still had 11 minutes left in my session.
This joke's from Mike Pena.
Maybe in those 11 minutes I could have found out that, you know, I'm not gay.
So, thank you so much.
There you go, exactly a minute.
Ron couldn't help himself.
He's so excited for you, nailing the time.
Yeah, that's part of being professional.
Hell yeah.
Absolutely. for you nailing the time yeah that's part of being professional yeah hell yeah absolutely uh it's the first time i've seen somebody dedicate a joke in the middle of their set to somebody else
what was that what was that joke again oh he he said something like comedians make gay jokes
so i was like uh the end of that joke was i could use the 11 minutes of my American online trial to find out that I'm not gay.
I wanted to just dedicate that to Mike Pena.
It's cute.
I see what you did there.
I think you two are going to fuck tonight.
That's what's going to happen.
You've got sales.
He's going to put his disc into your hard drive.
You know what I'm talking about.
In the gay community, you're not what?
Come on.
Come on.
Believe me.
All right, take that back.
Okay.
Come on, Han.
All right, here he is, Han Solo.
If you wouldn't build me up like that, I'd appreciate that.
There he is.
You know him from Return of the Jedi, Empire Strikes Back, Star Wars, A New Hope.
It's going to be great.
In the gay community, you're what's known as an Ewok.
Was it worth it?
Yeah.
I think so.
I was into that.
It was good.
It was strong.
I saw it.
Yeah.
Those are the little bears, right?
Yeah.
Little cute bears on the planet Endor.
I didn't mean that.
The forest planet.
What?
Whoa.
Han Solo took offense to that.
I don't know what an Ewok is.
You don't know what an Ewok is? You don't know what an Ewok is?
I don't know what an Ewok is.
Isn't that the little bears?
The Houtini guys?
They're not little bears.
They're different kinds of people.
Oh.
When did you turn into an Italian mobster, Han Solo?
Oh, he's mad.
Han Solo's leaving.
Han!
Oh, no.
Han, I like Ewoks.
Oh, man.
Han!
Hey, Han, Princess Leia is showing her tits out here.
All right.
So Lupe.
Obi-Wan brings back an Ewok.
You from L.A.?
No, I'm from Southern California, but not L.A.
Oh, yeah?
What part?
Awanga.
Awanga.
Awanga.
It's by Temecula.
Oh.
Nice. Temecula sucks. You still live there? No by Temecula. Oh. Nice.
It really sucks.
You still live there?
No, I live in LA now.
How long have you lived here?
Two years.
Two years.
What do you do for work?
I work at Netflix.
Oh.
Wow.
What do you do there?
I'm a project manager.
So I manage assets.
So if you see movies, I manage all the subtitles, the artwork.
Holy shit.
Oh, man.
Can I just tell you that that was one of my favorite sets I've ever seen of stand-up comedy on this show.
And I think we can really help each other out here.
I'll take you under my wing.
You pass a note up to the next floor or whatever the fuck.
Yeah, I have no, like, sure, why not?
No, no.
I can tell.
Thank you till you make it, man.
No one with any power would actually sign up for this show, Lupe.
That's really cool that they use you for their order delivery service, though.
That's great.
No, I'm kidding.
How long have you worked at Netflix?
Two years, yeah.
I moved here for work. That's cool. Man, I'm kidding. How long have you worked at Netflix? Two years, yeah. I moved here for work.
That's cool.
Man, that's a lot of fun.
What do you do for fun?
Watch movies.
Well, I would ride my bike, but it got stolen two weeks ago.
Wait, say that again?
I ride my bike, but it got stolen.
It got stolen?
Let's fucking kick their ass.
It got stolen on 3rd and Western.
3rd and...
Wow.
What color was it?
Everyone's like, well, you shouldn't have left it out there, but it was locked.
They shouldn't have stolen it.
Right.
Whoever stole the rainbow-colored bicycle on Western and 3rd...
3rd and Western.
Yeah.
Did you see anything?
I'm sorry?
I'm a detective.
Was it any suspicious character?
Brent Morin is one of the top bicycle detectives.
He specializes in bicycles.
Bicycles.
In the Santa Monica area.
Looping.
Creta.
Trying to help you.
Have you noticed an influx in fun in your life since moving from Oahu or whatever you're from?
I actually used to live in San Francisco
for like five years.
Oh, okay.
What did you do when you lived in San Francisco?
I worked at YouTube.
So you have like a degree.
Yeah.
Ha ha ha.
You know?
Why are you here?
Yeah, what are you doing?
I like doing comedy after work.
Nice.
Wow, that's so cool.
What did you do at YouTube?
Same kind of stuff.
All their movies you can watch on YouTube,
I would manage those assets.
No one does that.
Where'd you go to college?
SF State.
And you specialize in assets?
Yes.
I studied television.
Huh.
Yeah.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Has your love life increased since moving out of the Burbs?
Was it better in San Francisco or here?
It's better here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks.
You on any of the apps or anything like that?
On and off. Yeah. Thanks. You on any of the apps or anything like that? On and off.
Yeah. Anybody that's... I don't expect you to stay on them
24-7.
Gotta close those windows every once in a while.
You know what I mean?
Not currently right now, no. Have you been on
any dates since you've been here? Yeah.
I've been on a lot of weird
dates. Give us an example of what's a weird
date to you.
I went on a date with someone who, like, our first night,
she asked me if I could lend her $300 for her gym membership.
For what?
For her gym membership.
Oh, for her gym?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could feed her.
Oh, she was an escort.
Yeah, that was just an effort.
Yeah, I was like, well, I met her on a dating website, and then I was like, oh, maybe she's a hooker,
but we didn't have sex, and I didn't give her the money. Well, that's where you fucked up. You just put it on a dating website. I was like, maybe she's a hooker. We didn't have sex and I didn't give her the money.
That's where you fucked up.
You just put it on the nightstand.
She's like, meet me at this
restaurant. Make reservations
for 8 o'clock. Don't dress up.
I won't either.
Then she had multiple bags with her.
She's like, I want to spend the night.
I love her.
I think she was homeless too.
She definitely was. I love that you think
she may have been. I'm starting
to get a suspicion here.
The bags, having everything
they own on them at once.
The fact that no gym membership
is $300. That wasn't for gym.
It was for Equinox.
Most people don't bring a picture
in a frame on a date with them.
And a lamp.
Pretty sure she was homeless.
So what was the restaurant that you met this blatantly homeless girl at?
Some really fancy restaurant.
Oh, yeah.
She got to get a good meal.
Oh, hell yeah.
In Beverly Hills.
And I didn't want to spend a lot of money, but she just kept ordering more wine.
I was like, fuck.
Wow.
That's the worst.
Yeah.
And I was like, okay.
And she's like, can I go back to your place and smoke weed and drink?
I'm like, yeah, sure.
And then, yeah.
She was Russian.
She's like, guess where I am?
And she had this really strong Russian accent.
So I was like, from Russia?
She's like, how did you figure out?
And I was like, it's pretty obvious.
Wow. Did she spend the night? She did. But she said, no hank figure out? And I was like, it's pretty obvious. Wow.
Did she spend the night? She did,
but she said, no hanky-panky. That's what she told me.
Whoa!
Did she steal anything?
And the next day, she's like, can you let her spend the night?
That's where his bike went.
Let her spend the night. Did she just cuddle?
No hanky-panky. She cuddled.
She said she didn't want to go back to her place
because she didn't want to be high while her roommate is home.
I was like, that's dumb, but you're like an adult.
What?
So I was like, yeah, sure, spend the night.
And no hanky-panky.
Wait, are you sure she was an adult?
Hold on.
So she's sleeping in the bed with you, right?
Yeah.
In the bed with you.
You guys are sleeping perpendicular or Willy Wonka style?
What are we talking about here?
They were spooning.
There was spooning.
That's pretty close to hanky.
It's definitely not hanky, but
she said no hanky-panky specifically.
She made me get her a lift right home
the next day, but I got lift line.
Did you try to dry hump her a little?
No, I don't want to cross.
No dry humping?
Did you kiss?
Brian, will you relax?
Advocate for dry humping?
It was bizarre.
For being Russian, she knew a lot about Mexican music.
So she was like, yeah.
She was name dropping all these bands I grew up with.
Sounds like a great girl.
And then I put on this song and she
really loved it.
At that point, she kissed me.
She's like, no hanky-panky.
How old is she? Who says hanky-panky?
She's 12 years old.
She was clearly in her late 30s.
She was Russian.
I could see a Russian saying hanky-panky.
Did you have any serious
conversations with this homeless
Russian hooker?
Do you remember
talking about anything?
What kind of things she's into?
I'm always positive she wasn't a hooker.
At least that was not how it was going
into the day.
But serious conversations about
Mexican music. It was weird.
I was not expecting that.
Anything else other than the Mexican music
you remember talking about with her?
What?
No, don't get distracted.
We can spoon, but it has to be heroin spoon.
Was her first name normal,
or was it like Cadillac or something like that?
I think it was Jenny, but I think that was a fake name.
Why?
And you don't think she's a hooker?
It's a hooker name.
Why do you think
this Russian woman
with a home
and a job
and a...
Why would she bring
her bags on the date
with her?
She came from the gym
but she had three bags.
I don't know who
goes to the gym with...
I don't go to the gym
so I don't know.
Clearly you've never
been to a Russian gym before.
It's all about
how many bags you bring in.
Yeah.
All right. Well, Lupe. Well, that's fun. Geez, man. I's all about how many bags you bring in. Alright, well, Lupe.
Well, that's fun.
Geez, man. I'm sorry about your bike.
My moped
got stolen twice, too.
Your what? Your moped?
Yeah.
The first thing I bought, it got stolen.
So many things have been stolen in LA, but I still like it.
You need to move to a better area.
Other than Koreatown,
right next to Hancock Park. That's your problem right there. No, it to a better area. I live in Koreatown, right next to Hancock Park.
That's your problem right there.
No, it's a nice area.
Somebody could rob you at gunpoint.
You're like, he was a sweet guy.
A woman three weeks ago came at me with a brick.
Why?
She got in an argument with her girlfriend.
They were fighting in public, and her girlfriend waved to me to call
the cops. Where was this at? This was
on 3rd, no, 3rd again.
3rd and Wilton. I was
waiting for the bus
and her girlfriend was like... You're waiting for the bus because
your mopeds were stolen.
It's just, he's such a sweet guy
and so many bad things.
I was a little stoned too and I see this woman getting thrown up against, they're outside of a church, too.
And I see this woman get thrown up against a bus.
No, sorry, a van.
She's like, call the cops.
So I call the cops.
And the next thing I know, her girlfriend's like chasing me with a brick.
And I'm like, she's got a brick.
Run.
So I ran and I tripped on the third street.
You tripped?
Yeah.
And a woman was recording the entire thing
poor guy
but I still like LA
wow
that's incredible you have such a good spirit
she could have killed me
you seem like such a positive guy
what makes you mad?
what makes you furiously angry in this world?
to where you yell and get weird about it
when people aren't self-aware.
Can you give us an example of that?
Am I not self-aware right now?
Should I check it off?
When people are not even pulled over,
but they're just stopped in the middle of the road.
I have high blood pressure,
and that just pisses me off.
When you say you have your blood pressure,
what do you mean exactly?
I have high blood pressure. Oh, you have high have your blood pressure, what do you mean exactly? I have high blood pressure.
Oh, you have high blood pressure.
Wow, how do you know that?
You checked it at CVS or something like that?
No, I had to have a colonoscopy this year.
Oh, wait a second.
Wait, wait a second.
Oh my God!
I mean, a colonoscopy for a gay guy,
that's sort of like, I mean...
I'm not gay, my brother's gay. I'm very straight.
Oh, you're like Rudy.
He's so cute.
I have a condition called
diverticulitis.
Wow.
Everyone's grandma has it in me.
It's like a...
Perforated intestines, right?
Yeah, you get pouches and food gets
stuck there. If you had to guess how you perforated your intestines, Lupe,
how would you guess that that happened?
What's the gerbil's name?
Just probably eating, like, crap.
I eat really crap.
Wait, you get pouches of food?
No, like, your colon gets pouches in it,
and, like, seeds get stuck in there.
And then I've been in the emergency room twice.
It's super painful, but they give you good pain meds when you...
They gave me fentanyl last time I was there.
You're just like a little pup.
Can I have your number?
Crowd goes crazy for fentanyl.
Look at that.
All right, Lupe.
I really care about you.
Yeah, I want you to succeed.
I'm doing better.
I'm trying to eat better I'm walking a lot
Is there a go fund me that we could do for life?
I feel like we should be
crowdsourcing things just for you
No one needs
Who here wants to donate their bicycle
to Lupe Estrada?
Who in the audience has a bicycle?
I got a great name
I'll get a bike soon, it's fine
I'll get a better lock this time
I mean, you're blaming yourself
Did you check the Alamo?
The basement of the Alamo
I don't want that shit to stress me out
I don't want to have a stroke
because I have high blood pressure
I'm chill about this type of shit
I try to just be like, okay, it's over
You're going to explode one day
Yeah, probably
When you have your blood pressure raised and you're filled with rage, is there something I try to just be like, okay, it's over. You're going to explode one day. Yeah, probably.
When you have your blood pressure raised and you're filled with rage,
is there something that you do to calm yourself down?
Power fuck.
I have to go for long walks.
It's super boring, but just a long walk. I have an old camera, so I'll take photos.
Oh, he's such a sweet soul.
He's such a sweetie.
I get very mad sometimes.
What?
That scares me.
I get so mad sometimes.
I can scream.
I really, really do.
I get furious.
Show us your mad voice.
Yell at us.
Give us an example.
Like, all right, so I'm not self aware
I'm just pulled in the middle of the street
And you beep your horn and you go around me
And I yell at you
I literally go what the fuck you beeping at
What would you do
Come on find it
I'd probably find like a friend
And complain about you
Hell yeah
This fucking. Hell yeah. This fucking guy.
Hell yeah.
Man, knowing all
that I know about you, I would steal your
bicycle again tonight.
Just for not
standing up for yourself,
Lupe. Yeah, we could rob him.
Do you have any weird shit?
Do you like to be choked or anything like that?
And there he goes.
Lupe Estrada, ladies and gentlemen.
He's on Twitter at Christ Estrada.
Spent way too much time with him.
It's where Brian gets down to his choking question.
Yeah, let's do it.
You guys know the show, right?
You guys have heard this show before, the podcast.
And you know that there's a regular every single week.
He writes and performs a new 60 Seconds.
It's a goddamn sensation.
Put your hands together for the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet, everybody.
Oh, snap.
What's up, y'all?
Yeah.
I used to love getting ass whoopings growing up.
Because I knew my mama would cook me a meal just so I could forget what happened.
Sometimes I get in trouble in school on purpose just so I could have a meal.
Miss Jackson, fuck you in this class.
You better sit down before I call your mama.
Bitch, I hope you do, because last time she cooked a nigga steak.
Now hurry up so the other can be preheated. I hope you do, cause last time she cooked a nigga steak.
Now hurry up so the other can be preheated. You ever get hit by your mama in the grocery store
and you see a pretty girl so you don't try to cry?
Tell something else.
Hey.
What's your name?
I ain't crying.
You're just so damn pretty.
I'm going to go to the tissue aisle so I can get something to write your number down on.
I'm going to be right back.
My mom never helped me do homework growing up.
Because every time I showed her, she'd be like, ooh, boy, that hurt my eyes.
I ain't ever seen no shit like this before. And as soon as I failed, she'd be like, you dumb or stupid? What happened, boy, that hurt my eyes. Ain't ever seen no shit like this before. And as soon as I
fell, she'd be like, you dumb or stupid? What happened?
Mom, it hurt my eyes. Never seen
no shit like this before.
Fuck yeah. Welcome to Action.
Another new minute.
Hell yeah.
How come it hurts her eyes? I'm confused.
Because she didn't want to do it.
Oh.
Ooh, baby.
Them equations.
She'd make them an excuse.
That's hilarious.
You talk with your mom a lot?
Yeah, yeah.
I try to.
How does that normally go?
A nigga got minutes.
Shit, I try to.
Minutes? Yeah, minutes on my phone. Oh, yeah. Shit, I try to. Minutes?
Yeah, minutes on my phone.
I'm just playing.
Nah, I try to talk to her, but sometimes, every time I talk to her, she starts yelling about nothing.
Like, I moved out here and I forgot to make my bed up.
I've been out here for eight months.
She call me up every day just cussing.
Malcolm, you ain't make your bed up.
I'm sick and tired of you.
I hung up.
You wasting my damn minutes, mama.
Wow.
She's tough on you.
Yeah, she loves me.
She wants me to come home.
She always bringing up shit so I can come back home.
So you do the show every week.
And this week, for the first time ever, we got up close and personal with one of your best friends.
You came out here with him.
Oh, Sreejoy, yeah.
He crazy.
Sreejoy.
There he is over there.
Yeah, he's hiding in the corner right there on the floor.
Being creepy.
The neurotic artist type.
Did you catch any of his performance?
Yeah, I was in back and I heard a nigga screaming.
I said, it gotta be Sri Joy.
So yeah, I seen it.
I was like, oh shit.
Because he's been trying to sign up.
My boy, he crazy.
He ain't gonna sleep for a week.
I know he excited.
That nigga horny.
He happy.
Look at him.
How's life been lately?
You're still in the car, you got a new one though Yeah, it's cool, I did a show the other day at a college, it was crazy
Somebody hit your car, right?
Yeah man, I was at the Chick-fil-A
And I was chilling in the car writing jokes
And I was finna get out
And I was like, oh shit, they close
And they hit it and took off I was finna chase out. And I was like, oh shit, they close. And they hit it and took off.
I was finna chase them though.
But my license suspended.
Did you get the license plate number?
I tried to, but my eyes hurt.
That was too much work. That bitch took off.
I wanted to though, but
I was like, she ain't hit it. And I got out. I was like, yeah, she hit it.
It left a good mark?
It's cute. You know what I'm saying? Tripping.
Were you in the drive-thru at Chick-fil-A? No, no, no. I was like, yeah, she hit it. It left a good mark? It's cute. You know what I'm saying? Tripping. It's cute.
Were you in the drive-thru at Chick-fil-A?
No, no, no.
I was in the neighborhood chilling and in front of somebody's crib.
Oh, okay.
I was finna go.
So did you get Chick-fil-A?
Yeah, I got Chick-fil-A.
You still got it.
What'd you get?
I got the number one.
Hell yeah.
That shit was good.
You know it's good when you bite the sandwich and close your eyes.
What else is going on in life?
I did a college show the other day.
Oh, yeah.
What college?
It was, I think it was USD, but I was at USMD, like the medical.
It was tight, though.
It was a whole lot of black people, man.
Really?
Going to medical school?
Yeah, man.
I was excited.
But that was ghetto, though. That shit was weird.
Wait, there were patients?
No, no, no. They went to the school. They was just
crazy. Had their hair wrapped up and
shit, popping gum.
Really? I'm like, hurry up and say
something funny. So I started roasting their asses.
Yeah, it was cool, man.
Then I did the podcast
with Goat vs. Fish the other day.
Wow.
Yeah, that's my dog.
There's something.
That's my dog.
He gave me a hat.
Holy shit.
Stuffed animals flying around the room right now.
Hilarious.
That's incredible.
So, how, like, anything go off track at this medical collegiate show that you did?
Yeah, it was some little-ass kids there.
I thought they was freshmen in college.
Then I seen their mama pick them up. I was like,
these little motherfuckers. But no, it was straight.
It was cool, man. They gave me money and stuff.
Wait, is that a lay down shirt that you're wearing?
Oh yeah, this shit is about to be out soon.
This is the warm up.
It's a sample. Wow, Malcolm's
got his own merch.
I love it. Yeah, it's cool.
Hell yeah. Alright, well guys, this is your first time seeing Malcolm. I love it. Yeah, that's cool. Hell yeah.
All right, well, guys, this is your first time seeing Malcolm.
Thoughts?
Talented, man.
Yeah?
Yeah, it's funny.
He's got a good stage presence, too.
Yeah, he came out, he owned the stage.
Real charming dude.
Yeah.
You had a theme, you kept to your theme, you know?
And he's already marketing himself.
Yeah, you seem like you know what you're doing, you know?
You're just going through a struggle.
Hell yeah.
Stay out of it.
Every day. Well, there you go just going through a struggle. Hell yeah. Every day.
Well, there you go.
Somebody say, oh.
Oh.
All right.
There he goes.
Malcolm Hatchett.
Another new minute.
All right.
Racking him up.
Stacking him up.
He's going to be here for the five year.
Anybody else notice that Han really did leave?
Say that again?
Did anybody else notice that Han really did leave?
Yeah, he really did.
He really left.
He just had something else to do.
He really did.
I thought he'd be coming back for sure.
Yeah.
But, uh...
I don't know.
That's commitment.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Wait, what?
Is this just you being silly?
Oh, my god.
Here we go.
Wow.
Wow.
It appears as though he has turned to the dark side, ladies and gentlemen.
I can tell by the shape of him.
That is Jeremiah Watkins under there
very clearly
the breathing will stay the same for this character
very heavy breathing
Darth Vader is here ladies and gentlemen
Darth
wait a second stop stop
oh okay
Darth
I didn't realize you even knew what
Kill Tony was
I've been watching
you young evil one
wow well thank you
I consider you a big inspiration
I didn't know Darth Vader wore Vans
laughter laughter how else could he consider you a big inspiration. I didn't know Darth Vader wore Vans.
How else could he Imperial March?
It's like high school Vader.
I skateboarded on the way here.
Look at that.
All right, Darth.
Well, you ready to go to this bucket,
meet some new comics or something like that? I didn't know straight guys wore those boots.
Wow, Darth Vader
spitting jokes back at Brent Moore,
and look out. Maybe I'm not straight.
Oh, shit.
God, Peña was right.
Alright,
we're going back to the bucket again, ladies and gentlemen.
The fun train continues.
Here we go.
Put your hands together for Mike Eshak.
Mike Eshak.
It's like a new name.
Mike Eshak.
I don't see any movement.
Oh, here he comes.
Mike Eshak.
Hell yeah.
One more time for Mike Shack, everybody.
I served four years in the Marine Corps.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And I'm a Muslim.
Exactly.
Being a Marine with this face is interesting
because people will say racist shit to me all the time.
One time this girl was like,
oh my God, you're a Marine?
Wait a minute.
United States Marines.
No, bitch, ISIS Marines.
They had better benefits.
The benefits of sleeping with 72 fucking virgins when you die
who doesn't want to sleep with virgins me okay when i think virgins i don't see
like copious amounts of hot sex all i can picture is a fucking obligation to watch vampire diaries
like if an isis recruiter came up to me like somebody needs to tell ISIS
virgins are out, hoes are in
there you go
Mike Esha
Mike you were on the show once before right?
what's that?
you've been on the show once before right?
yeah two weeks ago I think
I remember that
that was good welcome back, what did we learn from you last time you were on? before, right? Yeah, two weeks ago, I think. Yeah, I remember that.
That was good.
Well, welcome back. What did we learn from you last time you were on?
What did we find out about you?
You said that
because of DJ Khaled,
everyone thinks I don't eat pussy.
Alright.
Once again,
remind Tony you have a fat
dick.
I have a
fat dick. Is that true?
Did we find that out? He made me...
See, you've already controlled his mind.
It's Darth Vader, man.
He makes you say shit. What do you do for work?
Yeah, I invest in real estate.
That's what I do for money.
Right.
That is one scary bus bench.
Darth Vader, that was a good one.
Darth Vader that was a good one
Mike how long have you been doing stand up
I've been doing
on and off for like five years but then
like for real like a year and a half
like really pushing it
are you making good money investing in real estate
yeah
like how much money have you made investing in real estate?
I won't tell you that.
Like a ballpark of a number.
Just like somewhat annually
if you had to guess
how much you might make
without giving us a number
of how much you make.
Like maybe you could give us
a number of what a guy
in your position
should be making
and could be making.
How about that?
Yeah.
Nice.
You always want more, you know.
Yeah.
Nice. You always want more. know yeah nice you always want more how
long you want to stay grateful at the same time absolutely right right fuck life's hard right
it's not life's hard man life's hard right you gotta have both you gotta fucking want it all
you gotta you gotta be like ah i gotta have more but at the same time it's like, I got food in my stomach. Yeah, my family's okay.
Got a blowjob the other day.
Hell yeah, me too. I got one.
You gotta be like, thank you.
You look like you used the force to get that blowjob.
Well, I think that's right.
Have you ever done that, Darth Vader?
That sounds like a creepy way to seduce a girl.
Always.
Always. Always.
Wow.
My goodness.
All right, Mikey, Shaq. Well, I mean, what else with you?
What didn't we find out last week or two weeks ago that you think is interesting about you?
I do like eating pussy.
Yeah.
I think I'm really, really, really fucking good at it.
Do you have a girlfriend right now?
No, no, no.
Not at the moment.
You have an eligible bachelor.
Yeah.
When's the last time?
Ladies?
Yeah.
When's the last time you went down on a girl, Mike?
Last time I've been on a girl,
like when I was dating a girl about six months ago.
Like I only go down on if I'm dating her.
If you're hooking up with girls, I won't.
Whoa, listen to the groans.
This sounds like an episode of Wendy Williams over here.
All the ladies are getting riled up.
You know.
Oh, Aphrodite just squirted on the stage
for you podcast listeners.
It's unbelievable.
You don't do one-night stand girls or masseuses or anything like that?
I won't go down on them.
Why not?
A fucking masseuse.
You'd go down on a masseuse?
Fuck yeah.
You look like it.
Ah!
I like that.
What?
Very comfortable?
A masseuse?
Why a masseuse?
Is that like a thing?
I like his style.
You sleep with masseuses?
Is that a thing?
Of course it is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Especially if you go to Thailand.
That just happens.
Now I get it.
It's a red band thing.
Yeah, there it is.
The types of masseuses, if you Google,
masseuses that will fuck anything.
Yeah.
And then you find out.
Or just go to Van Nuys.
Any one of those.
Mike, what do you do for fun?
Any hobbies or anything cool?
You seem like you'd be into some weird shit like parasailing or something like that. Oh, yeah. Mike, what do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything cool?
You seem like you'd be into some weird shit like parasailing or something like that.
Oh yeah, I'm always trying new shit.
Hold on, let's all take a moment to acknowledge
depressed Darth Vader over here.
I think he just suffocated himself
in that costume.
That looks like a meme.
Is this what he looked like after the Death Star
blew up the first time?
I have no place to go home to now.
My head itches.
Wow, sad Darth Vader.
Is everything okay?
Things are not going well, Tony.
What happened over there?
You seemed fine.
I haven't eaten pussy in seven months.
Wow.
What happens if you try to eat pussy with that mask on?
It's a mess.
All right, Mike.
Well, we talked to you a couple weeks ago.
Why don't we go back to the bucket one more time with somebody else?
What do you guys say?
One last time?
Huh?
Or we could end it.
Those people over there don't seem excited.
The two people over there from
Evil Genius.
Did you guys see that documentary?
Sad Darth Vader is hilarious.
Yes. Look at that
guy. Kermit the Frog.
Alright. Here we go. One last time
to the bucket we go. This looks like
it could be a new name. Put your hands together for
June Gonzalez.
Alright.
From the deep corner, here we go.
June Gonzalez.
Portland, June 15th
and 16th with a kill Tony on the 17th.
June Gonzalez.
I just
became a father.
He's eight years old. I just became a father. He's eight years
old. I just met him.
He's real
bad. I'm getting phone calls from the teachers
talking about he's pouring out cereal for his dead
homies. He
wants to be a comedian just like me. He told me a
mom joke. He was like,
your mom's so fat she could cover the sun.
I was like, I got a better one.
How about your mom's so fat that's why I left the bitch.
And now we don't play that game no more.
I'm a cancer survivor.
That was her Zodiac sign.
She fell on me.
I almost didn't make it out that shit.
I slept with a girl.
She had tattoos of her two kids on her thighs.
And I kept busting a nut on them.
She called me a pedophile.
I was like, no, I just wanted to introduce your kids to mine.
Now we don't talk no more.
June Gonzalez.
June, how's it going?
Is this your first time on this show?
You've seen me before, but yeah.
On Roast Battle, I've seen you, right?
And my rap battles.
Oh, yeah.
That's why you hold the mic like a battle rapper.
Because I am one.
Oh, shit.
I did.
I saw you beat somebody pretty good a few weeks ago in the belly room, right?
Yeah.
You won that, right?
Yeah.
I was pretty surprised, too.
I kind of win all of them.
Oh.
Whoa, really?
Is that a fact?
No, it is, yeah.
Really?
Have you ever lost a rap battle?
I did, but not many.
Wow.
I got over like 11 million views on YouTube.
Jesus Christ.
That's incredible.
What's the call?
I want to see it.
Would you like to join the Imperial Army?
Sure.
Oh, shit.
That's fun, June.
I mean, has that ever gotten you anything fun, like your rap battling skills?
Do you make money through that?
Yeah, I do make some money off of it,
and I travel the world. I've been to Australia,
New Zealand, Paris, Sweden,
and Canada, and London.
Are all the rap battles that
you do pre-written?
Yeah, they're all pre-meditated.
Have you ever done one like freestyle, freestyle,
where you have an opponent that's just like, yo,
you really think you're the best? I'll take you
on right now. And then somebody just hits background music
and you go for it, some instrumental rap music.
No.
What is that beat?
Everybody knows that good instrumental rap music.
Who's he battling, Will Smith?
I'm actually from Philadelphia, too.
Tia and Tamara?
I don't think think I don't know
Alright
Who did you google
Unthreatening rap music
I don't know
What is that reference to
Rico Suave
Alright Brian
I was so white
What do you do for a living?
I just move there. I do Postmates.
Okay, where'd you get from?
Philadelphia.
So we ask everyone that does Postmates,
have you ever ate any of the fries? Every time.
That's right. Is that true?
You eat a little snack every once in a while?
Yeah, I take it all the time.
Do you deliver
to the Death Star? Huh? Do you deliver to the Death Star?
Huh?
Do you deliver to the Death Star?
On weekends.
Just killed him.
June, so you just moved here from Philly.
Did you drive or fly?
I drove.
Did you drive?
Did you bring anybody or anything with you?
I brought everything with me my whole life.
In a car?
Yes.
Oh, I forgot about that.
He brought one of those.
Was there anything that you brought in which you're like, I don't know if I should bring this, and you brought it and you threw it away since getting here?
No.
Okay.
I got everything still with me yeah wow what kind
of brown are you i'm puerto rican cool oh the very mousy puerto rican race okay okay all right
uh wow so you came out here and you're basically what? Going all out in stand-up. Were you doing stand-up in Philly at all?
Yeah, I was. I did Warm Daddies. I don't know if you ever heard of that. The Laugh Factory over there. I mean the Laugh House, sorry.
Yeah.
And I think that's like the only two spots right now that are like really popular besides open mics.
And you moved here how long ago again from Philly?
Three months.
Three months. Yep. And you brought that t-shirt again from Philly? Three months. Three months.
And you brought that t-shirt with you?
No, I bought it from here.
That's why it's so tight.
Wow.
He is wearing a boy's extra small
for the podcast listeners.
I still got the tag on it?
A lot of tattoos on you.
Are you like a SoundCloud rapper
or something like that?
No, just a regular battle rapper dude.
Any tattoos that you regret?
This one.
What's that one?
It was just a dragon.
I was 17, and my dad was like, you want something?
I was like, yeah.
He's like, what?
I was like, that.
That's cool.
I didn't like it.
I still don't.
Wow.
It's really dragging you down, it seems.
Oh, I just got that. It's taking me you down, it seems. Oh, I just got that.
It's taking me a while to get drunk.
Whoa.
Sorry, was that me?
Yeah.
All right, June.
Any other fun facts about you?
Like if you had a book written about June Gonzalez,
what do you think some chapters would be that would stand out to people?
I just did the Apollo last week over in New York.
Really?
Oh, nice.
You did the Apollo?
Showtime at the Apollo.
You did Showtime at the Apollo?
Did you rub the wooden stump?
Yeah.
I have the footage on my Instagram.
And you did stand-up?
Yeah. How long did you do my Instagram. And you did stand up? Yeah.
How long did you do there? A minute and a half.
Wow. They sweep you off the stage?
Nope. You just got to do it.
Yeah. Did it go good? I didn't get sweeped. But I mean, did it go
good or did you just... No, it went really well. I was really
happy with the results. I was really happy and
they invited me back. So you felt
the true power of the dark side.
Yeah. Hey man, would you like to also do the
Death Squad show Friday?
Whoa, look at that.
Making dreams come true.
The oldest
comedy club on the planet, the Ice
House.
Try to get Estrada there too, man.
I feel for that kid. What else about you,
man? Any hobbies or fun things that you're into?
I accidentally got stabbed out there, you know?
Excuse me?
Any other hobbies or fun things that you do?
Poor kid.
I do martial arts.
You do?
What kind of martial arts do you do?
Muay Thai.
Muay Thai?
Yeah, he could beat the shit out of me.
I got that vibe right away.
Wow.
Has anybody ever tried to start shit with you and you've had to use it to your advantage?
I've never had to use it.
Nope.
Wow.
Never at a rap battle?
Somebody made fun of the right thing at the right
time? You know, people get...
It seems really intense, but people are actually very
nice offstage. Right. It's just
the onstage thing. Any rap
battler ever make fun of your dragon tattoo
before? No.
He covers that up.
It should happen, but it hasn't for some
reason.
Alright. Well, well June.
I don't know what to do with you.
Thank you.
Is that you?
I thought you were saying bye.
You're sort of wild.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Did you have an interesting childhood?
Normal family? No.
What was that like?
It was very different.
Rico Suave.
We're hitting that one home tonight.
My parents were very different.
My mom was like the man of the family
and my dad, he had depression.
I can relate.
I know you can't.
Sad Darth Vader knows exactly what it's like
to be a powerful man facing
you know
that was different
how did you know your dad was depressed
he would cry in his underwear
he would cry in his underwear
with his underwear over his face
he would just wear underwear
and just cry
what kind of underwear are we talking about?
They were with tighty-whities with stains in the back.
Oh, shit. That is really sad.
Sad shit. Why do you think
I wear a full bodysuit and mask?
You have
shit stains on the back of your underwear?
Unfortunately.
Man, sad Darth Vader.
I don't think this is good for your brand.
I hope Disney doesn't watch this episode of Kill Tony.
I haven't seen my children in years.
Darth.
Look to the right.
My children are in London.
Sad Darth.
Wait, Darth, that's him sitting right next to you.
That's your son.
I guess I was so focused and consumed on myself,
I didn't see my family just to the right of me.
You want a hug?
Luke.
Okay, stop, stop, stop.
Luke.
This summer, Darth Vader.
Hold on, hold on.
Oh, Jesus.
I would like to make up your 16th birthday right now.
Would you like your very own X-Wing?
Oh, my God.
Would you like a TIE fighter instead?
What would you like?
This summer.
You know, that's your daughter's right there, too.
Yeah, right back here, Dad.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
Hold on.
June gave up, by the way.
He's just on his phone.
Darth, how do you feel about your daughter being back there
and you saying that you haven't seen your kids in a while?
She turned out much more attractive than I thought she would.
Well, that's a compliment.
Thank you.
I still remember you crying in your skid-marked underwear.
Yeah, Dad.
Not to mention my breathing problems.
I have had a sleep apnea machine for the last 700 years.
Sad Darth Vader.
Well, June, it was fun having you on again.
Yeah.
First time coming.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
We'll see you again soon.
Very soon.
There he goes, June Gonzalez,
ladies and gentlemen.
June Gonzalez.
Good job, buddy.
That's really it.
That's what it looks like.
Brent Morin's in Madison, Wisconsin
June 1st and 2nd,
brentmorin.com
and ronfunches.com.
If you live in Seattle
or Vancouver,
go see him in Vancouver
this weekend,
June 1st and 2nd
and a Netflix special.
There's only a few tickets left
for Ron's special,
so get them now. June 19th
at the Neptune. Look at that.
Ryan J. Ebel drew that tonight while
we were all sitting here. That's Ron
Funches and Brent Morin. That's amazing.
The band, Tony and Brian Redman.
That's seriously amazing.
He draws it every Monday. Those are available at
ryanjebelt.com. You can get the new Kill Tony
poster there as well.
So much talent. I think there might be rumors of a third one coming.
And that's it.
That's what an episode of Kill Tony looks like.
Anything else you guys want to plug?
Ron, Bren, anything crazy?
No, just go to our websites and see tour dates.
That's it.
Ron Funches and Brent Morin, everybody.
Thank you.
Jeremiah Watkins.
We love you, Comedy Store.
Kill Tony, we love you.
I'd hate to spoil
No spoilers but Jeremiah Watkins
Is the man underneath the Darth Vader
Attire
Jeremiah anything else you want to plug
New episode of Jeremiah Wonders out right now
With Kevin Nealon how about that
Jeremiah getting the fucking big guests
Nowadays
Listen to Jeremiah Wonders.
Follow me on social media
at Jeremiah Stand Up and get ready
for your minds to be blown
this fall when the Reagan and Watkins album
debuts. That is true.
I'm telling you right now, it's going to be your
favorite musical comedy piece that you've
ever found. I know these guys really
made something extremely special. Even
sad Darth Vader's nodding his head yes
on that. Chroma Chris,
Luke Skywalker tonight. What'd you
think about tonight's episode? Tony, I thought
it was out of this world.
Whoa!
Oh my god.
How about Schoelberg?
Princess
Leia back there. I'm mostly sorry
on Instagram. Bye. Thanks.
Yeah, there you go.
Kill Tony's going to Portland, Cleveland, Fort Wayne,
Nashville, Grand Rapids, Detroit with Danny Brown,
Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth.
So if you're listening to this show,
you might as well get tickets for that.
I'm doing stand-up in some of those places.
Sometimes, you know, we're all doing stand-up.
Some places only some people are. It's all crazy. So we're all doing stand-up. Some places only some people are.
It's all crazy.
We're busy, busy bees.
Get the new Kill Tony shirt.
By the way, if you want to watch
any of the past episodes,
every episode is at DeathSquad.TV.
Click on videos.
They're all right there.
Yeah, everything's there.
There you go.
Thank you, live audience,
for coming out tonight. Have a great night.
We'll see you again soon.
Remember, Tom Segura, the week after the five-year.
Tickets still available for that.
The five-year is sold out.
We love you guys. Good night.
Bye. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing
You gotta have something
If you wanna be with me
Nothing from nothing leaves nothing
You gotta have some of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the Yeah, let's do it.